#i’m so proud of myself for recognizing that this is a situation that i can’t handle at this time and that i need to accommodate for myself

[trashbaget]

making big decisions is so difficult

[urfavbooblover]

Letter with lipstick || Ada Wong x female reader

Warnings: none

(remind me if I missed any)

- Resident evil 4 masterlist link -

Y/N’s pov:

Earlier:

Sitting on my bed, i stared down at the letter in my hands. Her handwriting was beautiful, less of the words she wrote to me. She’s on a mission again, all the way in spain and couldn’t tell me one thing about it, neither why she was there. “It’s important”, she committed to the paper i was holding.

She just ended the letter with “Love, Ada”, as my eyes landed on the kiss she placed right next to it, with the lipstick she always wore. The kinda red i love seeing on her and she knew all about it. I let out a sigh, “The woman that you are, Ada.”, i said, folding it together again.

Ada and I are close, too close just to be partners. We ‘slipped’ one time and in the next moment you saw our lips all up on each others.

I missed her. I couldn’t stand the thought of now not seeing her again for who knows how long. She’s good at what she’s doing, fulfilling her job just for everyone to be more than satisfied and i was feeling proud of her, for how far she has come. But the thought of losing her, especially when she’s so far away, has taken over my brain.

I informed myself about the situation, asking everybody for detailed answers. Anybody needs to know where she’s at, no? They weren’t down right away to tell me, but eventually gave in. Who were they to stop her from going there? Exactly, she did her own thing, going after what’s happening in rural spain.

“I need you to take me there.”, i commanded, standing tall against them. There was nothing they could do about this either. I’m not easily giving up, someone must have the trust to let me ‘surprise’ my woman. At least that’s what i liked to call it. I know Ada will be more than caught off to see me, however she wouldn’t mind. Quite the opposite. I can’t expect much different than a nice welcome.

Present:

Now here i am. I’ve been dropped off by the helicopter and one of my kind co workers who brought me to this place. I can thank him a lot for this, i guess i owe him something but that’s not my worry yet. I have to find her. So i didn’t think much, i rather started looking at the area around me.

It looks like a farm, the area is completely destroyed. I walked over dead bodies, scrunching up my face in confusion. Nothing i’ve never seen before, but someone must’ve been the cause of this. Was it Ada?

I was informed about a little story, so i went careful into this. I was here for only one thing actually. Ada. Whatever comes in my way isn’t as much as important as her, nothing is. No one else. I was ready to be confronted by her pretty self and sped up my walking through the paths and winding ways.

I was prepared for everything. I had my weapons and all that i could possibly need. I’d do anything to bring us both out of here. Anything for us. She surely knows i don’t give up easily and most definitely wouldn’t on her. No one even compares to her and the way she makes me feel. There’s no one quite like Ada.

I needed answers though. Am i really on the right track? I guess i was answering my own questions and thoughts when i came across a giant creature laying eliminated on the ground. Who else could’ve defeated it? She was here, i was more than convinced.

I jogged along the stony and muddy path, when i suddenly heard something. I slowly moved forwards to where those sounds came from, confirming myself that i’m hearing voices. It was all blurry and i didn’t know whose it might be. Till i made out the statute of a familiar woman. My eyes landed on her, my woman.

“No way..”, i whispered to myself, taking one more step towards her. “Ada!”, i shouted, catching her attention. Her body turned around, slightly facing me. I felt something in my stomach, when i saw her face. She immediately recognized me, her gaze softening but then again with confusion written all over her. She was completely stunned and couldn’t seem to move.

“Y/N?”, she said in a questioning tone, as i moved over to where she was standing. I was about to open my mouth, before i glanced down. A man stood there, his eyebrows were furried together as my face expression could be read as jealous. Who the fuck is he?

“Y/N. Look at me.”, i heard her soothing voice close to my face, interrupting my staring interaction with that guy. I slowly turned my head, seeing the slight worry on her. “What are you doing here? How did you get here in the first place? Are you hurt?”, she placed her hand on my arm, only ever showing so much weakness around me.

“I’m okay, Ada. I came here just for one reason, it was a pretty long flight.”, i explained, looking into her eyes that always shined so beautiful. “What about you?”, i asked as she moved her hand down to grab my own. “I’m on this mission, i was doing fine till i saw you. Now i’m feeling even better.”, she gave me a small wink before that strange man interrupted us.

“Uhm? I’m still here.”, he said in a nervous tone, letting out a playful chuckle. “Who is-“, “I have a deal with him.”, Ada interrupted my question, knowing what i was about to ask. She knew how protective i can be of her. Not in a controlling way though, most things i do are out of worry, making sure she’s doing as okay as she always claims.

“I got a name too, lady.”, “I’m Luis. You must be that girlfriend Ada kept mentioning and talking about.”, he continued. Ada’s eyes widened in response as a smirk formed on my face. So she called me her girlfriend behind my back? “Well yes i am.”, i confirmed very proudly, as i could see a rose color appear on her cheeks.

I placed a gentle kiss on her cheek, taking her hand in mine. “I missed you, Ada.”, i whispered and watched her nervous state. “I missed you even more, Y/N.” I smiled at her, before looking down at Luis once more. “You surely don’t mind.”, i said, pulling Ada with me as we walked away from that scene.

“Hey! How am i supposed to get up here though?!”, Luis yelled after us, all desperate. We both chuckled to ourselves and i took Ada to a quiet place. I moved close to her body, our face just a few inches apart. “I came here just for you.”, i whispered, tilting my head a little to the side.

“Oh what would i do without you, Y/N.”, Ada responded in her typical flirty voice. “Be glad you have me.”, i muttered, closing the gap between us. It’s been way too long since the last time i felt her soft lips against mine. They tasted just like cherries.

[goodneighborxfallout]

[Trigger Warning-Suicide] How would romanced male companions react to walking into A female Sole about to kill themselves?

Trigger warning!! Read at your own discretion. If you are thinking about committing suicide, please talk to someone you trust, call the suicide hotline of your country and/or go visit your doctor or a psychologist. If you want to talk to me about it, you are always welcome to send me a message.

Fact about suicide: Most people who are suicidal don't actually want to die, they just don't know how else to make it stop. Talk to someone, there are people who can help!

A/N: I don't think all characters would go for a careful approach (like Gage), so I wrote them the way I think they'd react, even if that might be the exact opposite of what a suicidal person needs at the moment. Please, keep in mind that this is fictional: even if I made the companions successful in talking down Sole, I myself don't know how best to approach someone who is suicidal so some/most/all of their reactions may not be effective or appropriate. Also, I am under no illusion that talking someone down from suicide is this easy or that it will always have the desired outcome, but again this is fictional.

Danse

Pre-BB: His soldier instincts will kick in. All he sees is someone about to die. His brain doesn’t yet recognize that you’re doing it to yourself, so he will forcefully stop you in order to save you, only fully realizing what’s going on once he sees your distraught face. He’ll look at you in shock, unable to get any words out. Then he’ll just move in closer and hug you tightly, letting you cry in his arms. He’ll bring you over to Cade whether you want to or not and stay with you the entire time, holding your hand. 

Post BB: Panics. He will desperately try to talk you down from what you’re doing but he won’t approach you, scared that he’ll push you over the edge by doing so. He’ll cry and beg you not to do it, telling you that he needs you and suddenly an overwhelming feeling of guilt overcomes him. You’ve been piecing him together all this time while you yourself were struggling… 

Deacon

Freezes. It takes him a few moments to just simply say your name, grabbing your attention. 

“Sole, what are you doing?” 

His heart is beating loudly in his chest, he’s terrified to say anything because he has no idea what might push you over the edge. 

“I can’t do it anymore, Deacon,” you cry and it breaks his heart. 

How had he never noticed that you were struggling? How was he so oblivious? With everything you’ve been through, it was to be expected, and yet… it had never once crossed his mind. 

And now he’s panicking. “Look, I know I’m not the most sensitive guy, I-I’m not the right person to talk to about feelings and all that, but I’m here for you. You can talk to me, please talk to me…” 

You hesitate for a few seconds, but you nod and break down in his arms. Deacon will try his hardest to comfort you during the next hours until you’ve fallen asleep, upon which he will immediately run to Carrington begging for help. 

Gage

Gage will be scared, but he’s so used to hiding it behind anger and annoyance that he can’t help but do the same even during a sensitive situation like this. 

“You better not go through with that,” he says almost threateningly. “You wanna commit suicide? You can still do that tomorrow, next week, or literally any other time! But if you do it now, you’ll never be able to see or talk to me again and you owe me an explanation if you’re gonna pull this shit on me!” 

Miraculously, his speech guilts you enough to make you stop - which isn’t something he’s particularly proud of or anything, but hey at least it worked. He instantly has his arms around you and won’t let you out of his sight for days while simultaneously arranging for the gang leader of your choice to temporarily take over as Overboss so he can take you back to the Commonwealth and get you some help. 

Hancock

Hancock has seen some stuff in Goodneighbor. It's a rough life and you aren't the first one to try and end things. That also means he’s seen multiple attempts by others to talk these people down, some of which failed. He isn’t going to take that chance with you. 

He has his arms around you before you even knew he was there and he holds you tightly against him so you’re unable to do anything anymore. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” he growls in your ear. He doesn't mean to sound angry, but much like Gage he was scared and too used to masking his fear. However, he instantly calms down once he hears you whimper and break down. 

You cry apologies against his shoulder which he quickly hushes. “It’s okay, we’ll get you whatever help you need. Just don’t do this to me, sweetheart.” 

MacCready

“Woah, hey! What the hell are you doing?!” 

Mac grabs your arm in anger, spinning you around to him. That’s when he sees your tear-stained face. You start crying harder upon seeing his anger and literally break down. However, Mac quickly catches you and pulls you against him in shock. 

“It’s okay,” he says, his anger already long gone. “It’s okay, just talk to me please. What happened?” 

Mac will be worried sick about you and ask around everywhere for help. It doesn’t matter if he has to walk all the way to the Mojave with you, he will get you whatever help you need. 

Nick

Nick feels instantly guilty when he stumbles upon you about to commit suicide. He’s always acknowledged your pain, but he also always kept the conversations about it short. He hid his own pain by focusing on helping others, and he now realizes he pushed you to do the same, even though you were really the one who needed help. 

He says your name quietly, grabbing your attention. “Is there anything I can do to make things better for you?” 

You can't answer that, because if you knew of a way to make things better, you wouldn’t be in this position right now. But the fact that he asks, that someone cares causes you to break down and you are unable to execute your plan at the moment. Nick takes this as his chance to take you in his arms. “Let’s go see doctor Sun.” 

Preston

“Sole? What are you doing?” 

Preston will be in tears just seeing what you are about to do. He’s told you about his own suicidal thoughts before, so why had you not trusted him enough to do the same? He has your back, do you not know that? 

Seeing how badly he is hurting, you can’t go through with it at that moment, so instead you run to him and hide in his arms, crying. “I’m sorry.” 

“I don’t understand… Why? Why did you never tell me?” 

X6-88

Another companion who will forcefully stop you. X6 doesn’t think he’s the right person for you to talk to about what you are going through, so he takes you back to the Institute without a word and drags you over to doctor Volkert. 

You might think he’s mad at you, but in reality, he’s experiencing ‘panic’ for the first time in his life and it almost causes him to stop functioning altogether.

[borderlinereminders]

first i wanna say thank you for your blog. it’s helped me sm. second, i wanted to ask if you have any experience about recovery and the feeling of like you faked it all? to those close to me, it’s obvious i have bpd but i constantly find myself doubting which makes me want to get worse again. your posts remind me it’s because i put in so much effort that i’m doing better, not because i’m a liar, but i still can’t shake those thoughts. thank you again :)

I want to point out that this itself is a symptom. It sounds like a lack of emotional permanence! Because things are better, it’s hard to imagine they were ever “that bad”.

One thing that helps me is comparing how I handle situations now to before. For example, I was feeling insecure earlier this week and I asked the person I felt insecure about for reassurance. And it helped! It reminded me how years ago, I wouldn’t ask. I’d do something or say something that was indirect, and sometimes hurtful.

I find by comparing and recognizing my growth, it reminds me there was a past me who needed that growth. Which means to me, it wasn’t fake.

I still get the urges and overall big feelings, but I cope with them better and I note how I cope better.

A lack of emotional permanence is such a thing and something that helps me with that is journaling about certain things and my feelings so I can read back and remember.

The wanting to get worse thing is a very real thing for a lot of people. Sometimes recovery is scary because we may feel invalidated or that it was never that bad. But you are valid and I think you deserve to be proud of you and the steps you’ve made.

[emma-cantmakeuphermind]

Just A Project | VII

Nathan Prescott x Reader

Masterlist

Parts: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Warnings: slight sexual innuendo… swearing. probs ooc nate

Words: 692

It’s only a few moments later when I arrive at the track field. I see Nathan sitting in the grass with his camera, right in the middle of the track. I walk over to him, he must sense my presence because he’s turning around giving me a small wave. “Hey!” I say sitting next to him, my smile never faltering. “What’s got you all ‘Ms. Sunshine’ today?” Nathan says, noticing my giddy mood. I hum before responding, “What? I can’t be happy?” My smile only widens as he rolls his eyes. “Whatever, let’s just do this.”

I nod my head, “It is a really nice day. Though I don’t think the track field is what qualifies as ‘picturesque’.” Nathan hums in agreement, “Yeah, so maybe we take some shots of each other.” My face distorts in discomfort as I glance down at my appearance. “Eh, I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely not dressed for the occasion.” Nathan gives me a once over, his eyes move over my body in a way that makes my stomach flutter. “What?” He gives me a ‘You’re crazy.’ look. “You look fine.”

He seems to notice my unwavering hesitation as he offers to be the model for today. I give him a grateful look, then he hands me his camera. I don’t take it, I’m not trying to accidentally break his million dollar camera. He rolls his eyes again, “Just take it. If it breaks you’re just giving me an excuse to buy a better one.” I reach for the camera, taking it into my hands, at least trying to be gentle with it.

“Okay, so where do you want me?” Nathan says and I think for a moment. I ask him to lay down in front of me. Simple enough. “I’m gonna trust you on this.” He says skeptically. “Come on, trust me! I don’t exactly think I’d be here if my photos were shit.” I jokingly defend myself. “Yeah, yeah, just get this over with.”

I take position, lowering myself to the ground, trying to get a good angle of the side of his face. I take a few shots then instruct him to look at me. He does, and I snap a few more. As I’m doing so he makes a silly face for a mere second. If I blinked I would’ve missed it. I move my face away from the camera and sit up giving Nathan an incredulous look. A grin stretches across his face. It’s my turn to roll my eyes, as I move again to find another angle.

I want to get a good shot from above. I think that will look really artsy. I’m positioned on my knees at his side but I just can’t get the angle I want. So, without thinking I move my leg over his body, straddling his waist. I’m too caught up in taking the photos that I don’t even recognize the compromising position we’re in. Nathan’s breath hitches a bit, but I don’t notice… Obviously.

But on the brightside, the shots are great, the lighting is really on my side today. I move the camera away from my face to click through all the photos. They’re all really good, I’m actually pretty proud of myself. “I hope they’re worth it.” I hear Nathan mumble from underneath me. I look at him, brows furrowed, until he glances down to where our waists almost meet. I glance down as well, suddenly I’m overwhelmed with embarrassment. I hurriedly get off of him, stuttering out quick apologies, sitting back down next to him.

Nathan lets out a snort, sitting up from the ground, brushing off some grass off his back. “Chill the fuck out, nerd.” He’s acting like the situation was ‘whatever’ but I notice the blush on his cheeks. He stands up, “Let’s get out of here. It’s hot as balls today.” Good cover up, dude. But, I’m not above it so I use the same excuse for my ever growing blush. “Yeah, it is.” I stand up as well. “To my dorm?” I ask. He nods and gestures for me to lead the way.

[is-something-on-your-mind]

Thank you so much for running this blog, you’re such a kind person

Can I perhaps get some advice on how to deal with knowing you’re repressing your trauma, but not being able to un-repress it? I got out of an abusive relationship earlier this year, and I keep telling myself it wasn’t that bad despite KNOWING it was bad. I remember they did awful things to me, but I can’t remember them in detail and it makes me feel weird :|

First of all, I’m so proud of you for getting out of that situation! That takes a lot of strength, not only to recognize you’re being abused, but to leave as well. You’ve done an incredible job.

Regarding repression of trauma, there’s a lot to talk about, so I’ll try to break it down!

Scientists and psychologists alike debate on what repression of memories means, or if it’s something that our brains can actually do. But, really, that’s not terribly important right now. What matters is that you are experiencing something, and for you that makes it real and validated. There are symptoms, and so those symptoms can be addressed!

Our memories aren’t that reliable at all. Especially memories of traumatic events or experiences. The way our brains store trauma is in a series of fragments, not a linear recollection. That could be what you’re experiencing, which, if so, is normal and perfectly okay for what you’ve gone through.

And so is purposely ignoring or forgetting memories. They’re upsetting, and make you relive probably what was the worst part of your life. It’s natural that you wouldn’t want to remember or think about it anymore. But unfortunately, it does start to become a problem when it makes you believe your experiences weren’t “that bad”.

If you want to remember what happened, you can. Your memories aren’t completely inaccessible. Find a safe environment where you’ll be okay if you’re to have a panic attack or a flashback, or if things begin to become too much. Recall what you can, and let yourself play it back. Try not to instinctively repress it. Let yourself feel any emotions or reactions that come up. Your body carries the brunt of your trauma, physically. Whatever happened was “bad enough” that your body remembers it, and your brain tries to protect you from it. Everyone responds to trauma differently. There’s no weighing system of what trauma is logistically “worse” or not as serious. All that matters is your reaction to it, how it made you feel, and how it makes you feel.

It’s important sometimes to recognize and acknowledge the reactions you have to these experiences. It helps you to understand just how much it really affected you, even if you think maybe it shouldn’t have. But, the way you respond to things isn’t your fault, nor is it really your decision. It’s an instinctual response. You have nothing to blame yourself for. You didn’t do anything wrong. This is your trauma, and it’s also your right to handle it in any way you want. Just as long as it’s not actively hurting you. It’s your life. Make it comfortable for yourself! Not for others!

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

I posted 266 times in 2022

10 posts created (4%)

256 posts reblogged (96%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@rainbowrowell

@letraspal

@sailorblossoms

@artsyunderstudy

@stardustasincocaine

I tagged 266 of my posts in 2022

#simon snow - 204 posts

#baz pitch - 188 posts

#snowbaz - 168 posts

#carry on - 157 posts

#good art - 144 posts

#any way the wind blows - 89 posts

#cscb art queue - 80 posts

#wayward son - 67 posts

#simon snow series - 58 posts

#the simon snow trilogy - 53 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#the poses—on guard and confrontational at watford/facing away from each other for wayward son/tender and turned towards each other in awtwb

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Fic author self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you’ve written, then pass it on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love ❤️

Hey anon, thanks for the ask and thanks also to @messofthejess for tagging me to do this! I’m always awkward with any kind of self-promo but here goes.

Always the Sun (Teen, 11K) Baz Pitch is a well-recognized face and name in the intense world of high fashion. Fashion Week finds him unexpectedly thrust into forced proximity with Simon Snow, the inexperienced model who has become Watford's new face and director Mage's new protege.

Self-indulgent fluff. I had the best time writing this—their game of 20 questions particularly and I always love writing flustered Baz.

Little Secrets (Teen 2.5K) Simon joins a Live Action Role Play club and meets Baz there. Penny knows nothing about it and attempts to introduce them, since she's friends with Baz. In an effort to get out of telling her about the LARPing Simon gets himself in far more of a situation with the story he concocts. Baz decides to role play along with him.

Short one shot written in response to a tumblr prompt. I had such fun including all the canon call backs and having Baz just run with Simon’s story.

Let My Love Open the Door (Teen, 12K) Baz is a teacher quarantined at home and Simon is doing temp work delivering food for The Girl and the Goat, a local pub. A craving for a burger leads to Baz ordering from the pub, followed by weeks of mutual pining, the slow burn of a developing relationship thwarted by the physical constraints of social distancing, and a refrigerator full of pub food.

A completely self-indulgent, fluffy quarantine fic with mutual pining, wingman Agatha, and erotic hand holding. And flustered Baz. Again.

Bad Case of Loving You (Teen, 8K) Medical AU where Simon is an A&E (Emergency Room) physician and Baz is a surgeon. A miserable day and night on call bring Simon and Baz to some realizations about themselves and each other--amid medical emergencies, automobile wrecks, and call room mishaps.

This fic brought my fandom favorites into my world, into my line of work. They fell into this medical AU so easily and made me laugh so much as I was writing it.

Can’t Find My Way Home (Teen, 65K) Former school roommates Baz and Simon run into each other at an airport when their flight is cancelled due to inclement weather. They team up to try to get home for the holiday but luck is not on their side. A Travel AU with planes, trains, automobiles, snowstorms, road trip mishaps, mutual pining, bickering and banter, gratuitous use of tropes, and quite a bit of romance.

This is my longest completed fic, my most popular Ao3 and Carry On fandom fic. I enjoyed writing it so much. It was a daily part of my life for months and I still find myself thinking about this AU. I’m proud of the story arc and the characterizations. And the fact that it’s the one multi-chapter fic I sort of managed to finish.

This was fun. In looking over this list my favorites definitely all fall into the “fluffy AUs that make me laugh” category. 😂

Not sure who’s been tagged but I’ll tag @bazzybelle @fight-surrender @sourcherrymagiks @tea-brigade @palimpsessed

27 notes - Posted May 19, 2022

#4

UNSUNG HEROES

Thanks for the tag @bazzybelle

post your three most under-appreciated bookmarks! fics you love that may be flying under the radar!

1. Recapture The Magic by rainbowbaz

This is an older fic and I’m honestly surprised it doesn’t have more hits. I know some people have read it but it you haven’t check it out!! It’s one of my early favorites and one I come back to again and again.

Summary:

“If you don’t meet your spouse at Watford, Penny says, you could end up alone – or going on singles tours of Magickal Britain."

Ten years after Watford, Simon is lonely and magic-less, and ends up doing exactly what he vowed he would never do - going on a singles tour of Magickal Britain. The only problem is that out of all the mages in England, he's been matched with Baz Pitch, who seems just as moody, rude and annoyingly attractive as he used to be.

2. Wings by @aristocratic-otter

This is a post-Wayward Son fic that imagines the gang back at Watford after their return from America. It tenderly confronts the idea that Simon retains some residual magic, explores his Salisbury family connections, and gives such a lovely snapshot of this found family, and the depth of love between Simon and Baz. It’s a very healing fic. Canon divergent now that AWTWB is out but oh so worth the read. Just lovely.

Summary:

Simon may not have lost his magic after all.

3. Written in the Scars by half_a_numpty

Ok, full disclosure, I am so fond of reading domestic fluff and this totally hits the domestic fluff buttons, but it also is a very healing fic to read? It’s like an epilogue to AWTWB. It addresses some of their past Watford-era conflict and it features body worship and intimacy and just go read it! (Also, it’s this author’s first fic in the fandom and I’d like to see more from them.)

Summary:

A night at home a week after events of AWTWB. Simon and Baz in bed. An exploration of scars. Memories of their time at Watford. Confessions. Boys in love. Mostly fluff but a little hint of more. AWTWB spoilers.

I’m sure everyone’s been tagged but just in case I’m tagging @midnightbluskies @fight-surrender @penpanoply @meenawrites @makedonsgriva @angelsfalling16 @otherworldsivelivedin @amphipodgirl @ladymac111 and anyone else who would like to add their under-appreciated favorites

32 notes - Posted May 10, 2022

#3

This is a selection from the massive Simon Snow playlist I’ve been putting together over the past few years. This is a smaller collection of songs that make me think of Simon–at his best, at his worst, and somewhere in between. They span the Carry On, Wayward Son and Any Way the Wind Blows years. A few songs have been pulled from the official playlists but not many.

Happiest of birthdays to you, Simon Snow. You deserve the world. And Baz would do anything to be able to give the world to you 💚. Enjoy the cake and the love of those around you 💜.

36 notes - Posted June 21, 2022

#2

My Rosebud Boy

By @rainbowrowell

(slightly) Spoilery mood board

Below the cut

49 notes - Posted November 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANY WAY THE WIND BLOWS!!!

I can’t believe it’s been a year. All the love to this dragon-winged boy and his vampire boyfriend. Thank you for their story @rainbowrowell 💚

106 notes - Posted July 6, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[wintersoldierbmb]

thursday june 6 i feel like a useless person.

im not depressed and haven’t been for like a year now but i can feel it creeping back in. family drama somehow found a way to me and without saying too much i don’t know who to trust anymore. people really don’t care about me as much as they lie and say they do.

on another note I’m just not motivated to do anything anymore. i wish i could just die. i don’t want to be useless. even though i am in college and stuff i still feel like my life is going to go nowhere and i’ll just be another person existing, taking up everyone else’s oxygen for no reason. i don’t deserve to live if i can’t be useful. i feel like i am incapable of doing the simplest of tasks and that makes me feel like i have no future. i wish someone would get rid of me so i don’t have to kill myself. i wish i didn’t have ADHD. i wish my mind wasn’t on a trillion things at once all the time. i wish i was easy for people to understand. i wish the smallest ripples in how i feel in a moment didn’t have the potential to make my whole day crash and burn. i really wish i was rich, and if not rich then at least normal so that i could be a functioning member of society and be able to get a job or something. i wish i had my own house but i will probably never get one because i can’t save money for the life of me. music isn’t working even though I’ve been consistently doing that since i was born (literally) so there’s another goal in the trash. i have been wasting my time with everything i try to pursue. i should just die.

i’m 19 years old and the only asset i have is the fact that i’m in college. i passed my summer one classes (i think) and i can’t even celebrate it. i can’t bring myself to be happy about that achievement. all i can do is thank God and move on. internally i’m not happy or proud of myself. even now i want to drop out. i am my biggest enemy. i’m not capable of doing things everyone else has learned to do when they were 15, 16, 17 in high school. i don’t think i have an interesting future or even a good one at all. i will die with regrets on how i lived my life. if i grow old, it will be into a life of regret of how lame i was as a youth, and how i didn’t choose to do what everyone else did. my perception on life is very skewed, but i don’t even know how to look at life anymore. i spent so much time being high and under the influence in the past few years that it was the only reality i could function in. now i’m trying to be sober again and not depend on weed to make me a normal person and the only thing it is doing is making me feel like shit inside. my self worth is only high on one day out of the week (probably because i was high that day) and for the rest of the week i feel worthless. if i killed myself i wouldn’t hurt a lot of people except for MAYBE my mom and i don’t want to do that to her.

i feel like something is wrong with me or that i am mentally retarded. everyone else seems to have the necessary brainpower to do everything they need to in life, but here i am being slow in mine. i try every day to improve my work ethic and attitude about living, but my insecurities overwhelm me. all i can think about is how dumb i feel. i feel like a stupid person. i am not intelligent or as intelligent as people make me out to be. if i was in any situation worse than i have been in in my life i probably wouldn’t make it. i thank God every day for always giving me another chance, but i feel sad because i feel like i’m wasting it. He is too merciful to someone who cannot make anything for himself. music is all i have to offer anymore. nothing about me is special or different enough for me to get recognized for. i don’t even feel like a real person anymore. i feel like i’m nobody. i should die soon and quit wasting everyone’s time, but i’m too scared to do it to myself. drugs are the only thing that “restore” me, but thats how you end up being a fucking junkie. i will never be a junkie. i’m hoping one of these days i overdose or get a bad batch of some weed or tale a strange pill or get spiked and die from it. i don’t want torture or deserve a long painful death as i haven’t done anything to earn that. the only thing that i need to do is die. quickly

[goon-writes-her-thoughts]

January, 2023

TW: Childhood abuse and neglect, Cancer, untreated mental illness

This was written shortly after New Year’s in 2023. It’s on the topic of the neglect I faced as a child and my internal struggle about the pros and cons of remembering it all so vividly. It’s heavy so don’t read it if you’re not in the right headspace.

As I enter this new year still licking at the wounds of 2022, I’m forced to realize that there are large wounds that I never licked from over a decade ago. I’m reminded of these old wounds every time I hear Mitski sing of being so young when she behaved 25. As much as I love my mother in the present day and her cancer diagnosis crushed me, I cannot begin to comprehend the neglect I faced as a preteen. These wounds from November 2011 still haunt me in ways I can’t describe fully.

In a lot of ways, I envy my brother for being able to repress those memories. I wish I could forget those awful months, I wish they’d never surface ever again, leaving me to my life. With that said, you can only lick wounds you know you have. Because I remember the circumstances, because I recognize my mother’s symptoms as those of my own mental illness, I am able to forgive her. I have not healed the wounds, but I can see the situation with the layers it has.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to brush off the fear that all footsteps in my home are there to take me away, but at least I can try. Sometimes, when my hair is hard to brush, I’m thrown back to being the little girl who was trying to get her mats out enough to get herself to school. Sometimes, when I hear certain songs, I’m back in my bunk bed, counting the days to the light at the end of the tunnel when dad was set to come back. Sometimes, when I leave the house for work when everyone’s still asleep, I’m suddenly calling out ‘goodbye’ to my mom and brother in their catatonic states so I can get myself out to catch the bus. Sometimes when I open the fridge, I expect to see all the expired milk and chicken carcasses with an odor so foul that I faced as a 12 year old girl, too young to know what to do when I can’t eat. Those are the things I wish I could forget. The things that no child should ever have to do but I had to. The feeling of being so desperate to be 14 so I could get a job so I could afford to eat without stealing. The feeling of being muted by my school to a point of acting out so someone would listen.

Those are the wounds I want to lick but I can’t. They’re so hard to reach. They’re infected, they ooze every now and again and there’s nothing I can do about it but wait for another scab to form. Even writing this now, I feel those wounds breaking open again and I will have to form enough of a scab so I can go in and work in 3 minutes when my break is up. That’s all adulthood is. Scabbing over enough to go back to work.

When I say I’m proud of who I’ve become, I mean it. Not only did I come from less than ideal circumstances, I’ve found the words I was searching for as a little girl. I’ve found my strength through writing all the words I wish I could have said to my teachers, to my parents, but most of all: to myself. No matter how much my teachers didn’t listen if I couldn’t say it in French, no matter how much I couldn’t tell my parents, there’s still a 12 year old little girl inside me that needs to hear what I have to say.

I’m older now, with my age came good times, bad times, and wisdom through those times. I may not be the best with words, but I’m better than I was. Maybe I needed to remember that scared little girl, maybe I needed to still feel the pain she went through in deafening silence so I could tell her what she needed to hear and what I still need to hear: life was cruel to you, but that doesn’t mean the cruelty is forever. There are good days, there are bad days, but with some amount of Rainy Day People around, a sense of humor and the right soundtrack, the cruelty can be bearable and something you can flourish in spite of.

Odds are odds and considering the hand I’d been dealt, a retail supervisor at 23 isn’t something to sneeze at. I’ve got a car, a place to sleep, family, food and most of all, I’m still here. I’m still aughing in the face of adversity, laughing at the past that made me as fucked up as I am, and acknowledging that It Could Be Much Worse. If I had repressed those lonely days of neglect, I wouldn’t remember it enough to tell that inner little girl all that. Had I repressed her, I never could have given her the voice she so desperately craved. That would be a crime akin to what every other adult did to her. It’s better late than never.

[i-just-wanna-be-fuckin-happy]

A List of Ways to Stop Doing That Destructive Thing You Do

Figure out your crutch. Get honest with yourself: What’s the thing you know you don’t want to be involved with as much as you are? What’s the very first thing that comes to mind? Is it making out with random folks in bars? Is it eating ice cream straight from the pint on a day you wanted to be “healthy”? Is it drinking so much that you have to stock emergency Trader Joe’s pizzas in the freezer to soak up the massive amounts of booze you know you will consume this weekend? I have done all of these things to “feel better,” so no shade, no judgment. Write it down.

Okay, can’t be honest? Recognize the thing your friends tease you about the most. Write it down, circle it, and just think about it for a minute. I’m not saying your friends are right, but if more than one of them has joked that you are so addicted to work that “your schedule is allergic to friendship,” you might want to consider that most jokes hold some truth. If your friends tease that you “have an alcohol problem” and tell you they are “proud you didn’t fall down drunk last night,” I would suggest that’s probably not much of a JKJKJK situation.

Write down your crutch and why it doesn’t work for you on a Post-it Note and stick it to your bathroom mirror. Examples: “Weed makes me feel bad.” “Staying at work too long exhausts me.” “Too much chardonnay makes me cry.” Read and reread this note until it sinks in. This could take weeks. Months. But it’s hard to ignore something you have to read every time you look in the mirror, and, eventually, you’ll feel this truth.

Baby-step away from the crutch by making a deal with yourself that you can keep. There should be a real reward involved. If I don’t smoke weed this week, I get to take a bubble bath on Sunday. If I leave the office by six P.M. at least three times this week, then I get to buy myself a delicious-smelling candle. If I take a break from drinking at home this week, then I get to go for a thirty-dollar Thai massage.

Consider how the deal worked out. Did you keep it? If you did, how do you feel? And if you didn’t, then it’s time to make a new deal. One that you’re more likely to keep. But DO NOT beat yourself up. Giving up any habit is difficult and takes time! The good news is you are replacing your bad habit with a good one—a habit of self-care. You’ll like it more! I swear.

Be patient. Srsly. If you’ve successfully identified your distracting crutch, then you have already done something radically brave: You have been honest about a weakness that does not serve you. That’s SO FUCKING HARD. I would like to high-five you, then hug you, then give you a kiss on the forehead.

Is that too much? I’m just proud of you, that’s all.

[redfemme-com]

I have issues with basing how I perceive myself by others actions and I don’t really know how to interrupt that thought process. When I recognize I’m feeling bad about myself my go to self affirmation is that I shouldn’t base my self worth on others peoples actions (or lack thereof). Then this thought leads to well what can I change about myself to ensure I don’t feel like this again. Typically something to do with being extremely extroverted than normal or sudden drastic personality change which is incredibly overwhelming and often makes me feel worse because how does one change so much and where do you start. But I guess the only time I’ve grown as a person and become who I am today is simply by going outside of my comfort zone. Something I’ve now realized I haven’t prioritized or even done much of. Maybe this is why I’ve been feeling stagnant because I’m limiting what I think I’m capable of and not letting myself try other things. An example of this would be not going somewhere I want to because my friends can’t and I don’t want to go alone in fear of feeling awkward or how I used to feel ostracized in social situations. This has led me to miss opportunities and fun memories because not only am I scared of the possibility of feeling how I used to, I’m scared I will crumble due to it. But I know I’m much stronger than I was and things that used to affect me deeply don’t as much now because I put myself in uncomfortable situations in the first place. It’s easy to say you’ve changed a lot but still not recognize it until you stop and think about your motives for continuing. It’s easy to say “yes I have grown and changed immensely over the years because I no longer have extreme anxiety along with being much more confident” but that’s the surface level and if you only think about that then you’ll forget how you were able to change. I want to start doing things I might have initial apprehension about, for any reason. Whether it be going out to an event by myself or forcing myself to do something fun even if I’m “not feeling up for it”. I want to keep growing as a person and becoming more and more of my ideal self. I can be proud of myself for being the person I’ve always dreamed of but I shouldn’t stop myself here just because I’ve reached one goal when there’s still so much more I could do and accomplish. Everything I do is to make my younger self proud and heard and now I want to go above and beyond her initial hopes and show her there’s always more to something as long as you desire it

[jacksazrael09]

Trigger-warning SA/SH

28.03.2023 00:57

It’s late.

I need to wake up at 4 am. But I can’t get this out of my head and if I don’t writte it down now I will forget it and I need to vent.

So yea Trigger warning SA/SH

There is so much anger in me. I just can’t belive it. I can’t realy recognize myself now.

I can from a very toxic household. My mom used to meantally abuse me. I grew up watching how everyon get treated nicely and seeing how I got treated. My mom and dad were divorced but I got a step dad. I didn’t done so much with my biological father. I grew up knowing how much they love everyone else except me.

I grew up under full and constantly control from my mother. I was scared to speak up in every way. I got depressed starting with sh and more.

So one day this person and his lover came in to my life. They showed me love they warnt my trust again. They showed me that my parents were toxic they helped me out of there. I trusted them so god damn ducking much.

They told me “I’m proud of you” when I done something right or good. They listend to me. They didn’t punish me. They help me recover. They becam my loving family I needed to heal.

And then…

The summer came. I knew that we slapped another asses for fun. But… we were swimming and the others where playing and this dud. Just fucking touched me. He put his hands inside my swimming shorts. You all can Imagin where he wanted to go.

After that I try to forget this moment. I try to ignore it. But I couldn’t. He knew all about my trauma. Even that I got SA years befor. And he just did it again. I wasn’t feeling well. I got the flashbacks

I saw six year old self back sitting on that sofa with this hand from this dud in my pants! Not stoping when I told him. It was the exact same thing again years after recovery.

So I watched it all over. I try to hold distance to him. But he kept touching my body and making sexual jokes like “let’s have a threesome” and shit.

We are a system. A MPD system. I where the protector but I didn’t do anything. I saw my brother suffer in this situation. I’m so angry

He did so much to get my trust. I trusted him so quickly and he used everything against me. And now try to fight the truth. I didn’t wanna life like this.

I wanna punch him in the face scream at him. And at the same time I’m breaking done.

I don’t understand.

Why did he did this?

-Tyler

[ifnotnow-maybenever]

Today is 3/26/23. My day 1 sober. I have not been sober since 2021. While that may not seem like a long time, it has felt like eternity to me. I can’t really even remember a lot of my life from before I started getting high.

It started out me getting high because it was fun. I felt cool, I was fitting in with the people at work. I felt rebellious, I just felt connected to the part of myself that never branched out or dared a lot do anything that may upset anyone. And it slowly started to become my personality trait. And then it started becoming an everyday habit.

I would wake up and get high and stay stoned throughout the day, and have a hit before bed “as a treat”. It felt good to be high when I was in the last relationship because it numbed the heavy emptiness that I had felt. It numbed the pain and the stress and the fear. That relationship haunts me sometimes. Things could have gone very differently for me and i thank God that that situation was not my final destination.

Anyway, I have this dream to open a nonprofit coffee shop with my main tumblr’s namesake that uses its profits for literacy, education, drug addiction support, and the basic needs of those who don’t have access to such necessities. I want to provide that access to as many people as I can because I believe everyone deserves a fighting chance to live a life that they can be fully present for, a life they can fully embrace and feel safe in.

I am going to be sober tomorrow. This is important to me. I can’t continue to let my life pass me by in my bed. Watching tv, eating total junk food, i am just destroying my body who is fighting so hard to keep me alive. I’m hurting my body while it’s trying to save me, Im self-destructing.

But I will start this business and I will beat this addiction. And one day I will stand in front of a group of people who mean a lot to me and I will be reading this very note on the Grand Opening Day of my beautiful nonprofit coffee shop. And I’ll be grinning from ear to ear because while the 3/26/2023 version of me is terrified and scared of what the future is going to bring, present day me is so proud of her for taking the chance and the leap of faith, believing that there is more to life than what I could have ever thought. Because now, I can serve my community sober and wholeheartedly.

To future Raven: I am so proud of you. I knew that you could do this. I know it wasn’t easy and it took every ounce of energy to fight this addiction every single day. But you did it. Life is much more enjoyable and you can feel the love from God in the deepest depths of your tender heart. You are free, you are not tied to any earthly thing, you just recognize how much strength that takes. All the glory be to God. You are where I was always so scared I never thought I could be.

[0613magazine]

200912 CNN

BTS on making music, watching Netflix and working out during quarantine

BTS, they’re just like us – except with millions of fans and number one hits.

Members of the international K-pop sensation that is BTS were supposed to be on tour right now. But due to the Covid-19 pandemic, they’ve had to press pause.

Aside from releasing their latest hit single, “Dynamite,” the group told CNN in an interview on Friday they’ve been spending a lot of time in recent months streaming shows, like a lot of us.

“We’re working out, watching Netflix and learning to play instruments. I think we’re doing a lot of self-development, and also just trying to stay active,” j-hope said.

Jimin added, “We’re working on a new album. Although we cannot say for sure how concerts are going to go, we’re still working very hard. Personally, I don’t think I’m doing a lot of things myself.”

The global pandemic hasn’t slowed down the group’s success.

“Dynamite,” their first full English song, currently sits at the top of the Billboard Hot100 chart for the second consecutive week. This makes BTS the first South Korean pop act to ever achieve such a milestone, earning praise from fellow artists like Justin Bieber.

V said in a separate interview on Saturday that the success of “Dynamite” is thanks to their devoted fan base, nicknamed the BTS ARMY.

“This is truly amazing,” he told CNN. “We are sincerely so grateful. You made our dream come true. Thanks to ARMY.”

BTS, which stands for Beyond the Scene, said they felt they needed give their audience new music amid these challenging times.

“If everything went according to plan, we’d be on tour right now, but the pandemic has changed everything. So we thought about what we can do, and what we can do best at this point, in this situation. Everyone is going through such a difficult time, so we wanted to cheer them up,” SUGA told CNN.

Band members Jin, SUGA, j-hope, RM, Jimin, V and Jung Kook, still feel like their rise is a bit of a “pinch me” moment.

“It still doesn’t feel 100% real because we can’t perform in front of ARMY. We do and see all these things, but we don’t have the opportunity to perform,” Jung Kook said.

The group has been frequently compared to The Beatles, even breaking one of the English rock band’s records with three Billboard No. 1 albums in a single year.

j-hope said being compared to legendary group is humbling.

“It’s such a great honor to be mentioned along The Beatles. We want to keep doing our own music and show our own colors,” j-hope said. “As big fans of The Beatles, we are thankful for such association and we want to work even harder to put out great music. We will try to make the name BTS sound as cool as The Beatles.”

The group’s worldwide recognition grew in 2018 with their albums “Love Yourself: Answer” and “Love Yourself: Tear.” Beyond their accomplishments together, they’ve also scored numerous hits with other artists like Halsey, Ed Sheeran, Nicki Minaj and Fall Out Boy.

Their massive fan base is like no other.

But the group acknowledges their fame, comes with some tradeoffs.

“In Korea we call it fame tax, which we have to pay,” RM said with a smile. “As a citizen we have to pay a fame tax and we always pay it. You know, you have some positive sides and some negative sides as well but it’s our destiny.”

Jin said although he’s recognized everywhere he goes, making South Korea proud makes it all worth it.

“There are rare occasions when I inevitably have to go out. And when I do, people come up to me to say they’re really glad to see me, and that they’re really proud of how more people got to know about Korea because of us,” he said. “In those moments, I get a sense of fulfillment and feel like I’ve actually shown something to them.”

That BTS ARMY has helped propel them to shatter records across the music industry and also came to their defense on social media last year when the group was shut out from Grammy nominations.

The group is more hopeful for a nod next time around.

“We grew up watching the Grammys, so we know of its significance. And it would be incredible if we could be nominated,” SUGA said. “We never had a Grammy in mind when we first began, but it’s now become a more tangible dream. It’s something we do want to accomplish, of course, but it’s also not something we can make happen just because we want it. What we can do is to keep doing the best we can at what we’re doing.”

Source: CNN

[catastrophicmind]

Gaby— this post just unlocked the forgotten memories from the Halloween of ‘09. I’m pretty sure I was in the 7th grade.

Story time!

Myself and my three best friends were all obsessed with Total Drama. Like, we literally would call each other every week so we could watch the new episode that aired together and then throughly discuss afterwards. It was the focal point of most conversations and it had been out a year or so at the time (I’m pretty sure Action was running), so we were already obsessed and dedicated fans by then.

Anyways, back to the story.

So somebody came up with an idea that it would be so cool to make Total Drama the theme for Halloween and, of course, the rest of us were like, “fuck yeah!!” and the rest was history.

We each chose a character to dress up as— one that resembled us individually that we could personify. The one guy picked Chris (closeted, charming and obnoxiously outgoing), the other guy picked Harold (lanky, awkward, super nerdy/dorky), the other girl picked Gwen (super artsy, dark and gothic) and, naturally, I picked Duncan (deliberately defiant and rebellious).

For penniless, yet creative and determined 13 year olds, we legit went all out.

We ended up taking a trip to Good Will to handcraft costumes on like, a $20 budget that surprising turned out to be super accurate. Like, that shit was no joke meant to be. That one dumpy thrift store in our town coincidently had everything we needed outfit-wise. We all ended up dying our hair, did the required makeup, bought the props/jewelry needed, etc. We were on a mission and we’re in it too deep to half-ass any aspect.

Halloween was fast approaching and it had to be perfect.

The other girl in the group was an insanely talented artist too so she drew the character symbols in this totally recognizable, yet semi-realistic way. She was so proud of herself and our reactions totally hyped her up. We ended up printing and ironing them onto our shirts because we weren’t chumps who drew on our second-hand clothing with sharpies.

Honestly, I cannot express how overboard we went. I low key want to cringe 15 years later, but I just can’t. It was like our lives depended on this shit. It actually is a fond memory of that period of my childhood.

We even ended up posting our costumes on that old Total Drama Blogspot website and two of us were recognized because, you know, gotta share the glory with the fandom.

As an adult looking back, I have to admit that the whole thing was simultaneously badass and super weird/lame. It was really the period of time when all of our parents were like, “oh, this totally isn’t normal— it goes way beyond some show they enjoy watching together. Maybe we should be a little concerned.”

Like, I still vividly remember how fed up my mom was with entire situation. Especially when I begged her to buy me a spiked dog collar off eBay. She made me get rid of it as soon as Halloween was over because she refused to “encourage my troubled, punk rock phase.”

You could say she was a not-so-happy camper.

Long story short, we pulled the whole thing off and walked around like gods that night confusing every adult that opened the door for us when they asked who we were dressed as. That didn’t bother us though. We had until curfew to educate every adult we met about the greatest show ever created. After all, we were doing our community a great service by spreading the word.

“I’m sorry— Total Drama who?”

“Oh, ma’am, it’s okay, we’re here to help. Why don’t you relax, pop a squat on the steps and unwrap a Snickers bar while we indulge you on the glory of animated teens fighting for their lives in order to win more fictional money than you and I would ever know what to do with…”

Also me and who? But for the Duncney nation.

[thesunicarusfellfor]

Mortal of Gold - Part 3

(Yandere!C!Techno x GN!Shy!Reader x Yandere!C!Philza)

Anyone want my list of the characters as gods? There were a few characters that I couldn't think of like Ponk, so I just left them out. ANYWAY. Hi, how's it going? ALSO I CANT EDIT THIS DAMN POST AND THE SPELLING ERRORS ARE SO IRRITATING

Part 1 Part 2 TW: Mention of amnesia, memories being altered Send me a message via inbox if you wanna be added to a general or series tag list. Make sure to turn off anon, please. ------- “They weren’t born… A mortal?”

A light wind brushed over your features, causing you to give a small sigh and roll over onto your side in an attempt to block the light from hitting your lidded eyes. It was nice and quiet for once… “(Y/n)?” A distorted voice echoed softly, causing you to flinch a bit. You opened your eyes slightly to see a silky blackbird sitting on the sheets beside you, a few golden trinkets laying beside it. Upon seeing your eyes slide open, the creature hopped up onto its legs and began making soft cooing noises, “(Y/n)! (Y/n), you’re awake!” Glancing around at the surroundings you had been placed in, racking your mind for any sort of familiarity but failing to come up with anything at all, even who you were. You sat up, slowly brushing your fingers along your ombre silk clothing before putting your hands on the sheets below your body, frowning as you didn’t recognize the bed as yours. “Hello…” You murmured softly, reaching your hand out to the crow who eagerly jumped forward to nuzzle your hand. The feathers of the bird felt… Odd. They felt more like grabbing at misty fog, but with a light staticky cotton texture that caused a buzzing sensation on your fingertips, “I’m sorry, my memory… Seems to be a tad faulty… Could you tell me your name?” “I’m Chat, Dadza- er… Philza’s familiar! I was a gift from Mumza, oops... Kristen, the Goddess of Void and Death.” It chirped, its voice having multiple layers in your head, causing you to shake your head a slight bit, “No, they’re not married, only parental figures to the souls that pass on to the afterlife or those they saved sometime before they passed on… I believe they have more of a co-worker relationship.” You nodded slightly, pursing your lips at how the creature’s voice sounded in your mind. It was unsettling and caused shivers to crawl up and down your back, but at the same time, it was incredibly calming and had a soothing aura. How that worked, you had no clue whatsoever. Brushing off the unsettling voice of the bird, you decided to focus on the name that caused a light to go off in your head, “Alright… Philza… I think I remember that name…” “Yeah! Dadza- Eck… Sorry. Phil, he’s the God of Survival and Crows! He controls not only every crow in the mortal land, but he also controls whether or not someone will survive a situation. If there is no way that the mortal can survive, he will send a crow down and have them guide the soul of the mortal to him! Then he escorts them to Kristen! He has gained the name Angel of Death because he works for Mumza!” You decided not to question why the crow called Philza and Kristen Mumza and Dadza, knowing that you’d probably find out later, but by the sound of it Chat seemed to be multiple children, “Okay… Makes sense…” You mumbled slowly, nodding your head up and down. With a sigh you slowly brought your legs over to the side of the bed, only now becoming aware of how large the soft mattress was. Lowlands! (Hell) You could probably fit six people who were ten feet tall in it with room to roam! Pushing yourself off the bed, you also realized how high the beautiful bed was off the floor, Gods, whoever lived here was tall! Behind you, you heard a small chirp, and you saw Chat watching you curiously. With a small shrug, you decided to pick the familiar up and hold it in your cupped hands as you walked out the door, “Oooh! Dadza never carries us like this, and Technoblade does only when he’s about to yeet us out a window!” “Yeet?” You scowled in confusion as you walked through the arched doorway, your bare feet padding silently on the quartz flooring, “I'm scared to ask. Technoblade? Is he also a god of some things? He sounds familiar as well…” “That’s its word for throwing something. Well, it yells the word when they throw something or get thrown, so I assume it’s yelling in excitement,” A deep voice spoke from in front of you, causing you to gasp and lift your head from the crow. The telepathic chirping and squeaks from Chat in your mind quickly formed the name Technoblade, so… You had a feeling that your answer was on its way past his

lips, “I’m Technoblade, or Techno, the God of Blood and War. It’s… nice to see you finally awake…” He shifted awkwardly on his feet as you curiously studied him. His appearance could certainly be described as godly if anyone asked you. His long pink hair was mostly twisted and tied into a braid with bits of golden chain and a polished golden crown adorned with rubies, garnets and diamonds. Upon his pale skin, dozens of scars of varying sizes decorated his skin in different areas, but they were displayed in an almost proud manner. Almost. When he spoke, his dark pink eyes hidden behind cracked glasses searched your form for any sort of injury, “I’m… (Y/n)... I think. I don’t know if this bird is exactly trustworthy in its information… Do you know where I am?” Techno snorted as Chat gave an offended squawk at your statement, “That’s very fair, to be honest. You’re in the Tundra of the Upperlands, and this is my palace. No there is no snow, I believe the person who named this place has never looked into the name or word Tundra, but it’s been like this for too long to change it-” He paused for a moment as he noticed you looking extremely confused, “Ah. Right. Desert. Don’t worry about it.” “Oh… Okay…” You frowned at the tusked male for a moment before shaking your head, deciding not to question it much, “Now, uh… How did I get here, and why don’t I remember anything about myself? Or, about you and this Philza guy, I was told about.” You lifted Chat slightly toward Techno as a silent indication that Chat was the one who told you about Phil. “That’s uh… Phil’s field of expertise.” He rubbed the back of his head with his black-tipped fingers before adjusting his crown, “I don’t understand much of what happened, and Phil will tell you what you need to know that will keep you safe.” Hesitantly, he held his free hand out towards you making you realize that he was easily over seven and a half feet tall, “C’mon, I’ll take you to him and get you the answers you need.” His hand was extremely steady, you noticed as you stared down at it cautiously. Once you noticed that he didn’t seem to want to do you harm, you slowly shifted Chat into one hand and used your free hand to take the one extended to you, which you couldn’t help but notice, made Technoblade very happy, “Okay. Thank you.” The god held your hand in his calloused one for a few moments before beginning to lead you down the tan and white hallways that were turned a light golden hue from the rising sun. It was quite a long walk filled with a slightly uncomfortable silence, but you distracted yourself by looking around the palace curiously. It was obvious he was the God of War by how many swords hanging on walls and sets of armour he had placed on armour stands in the hallways. Eventually, he walked you through an archway that led into a wide-open room with multiple windows that had many crows perched on the windowsills, some chirping and singing some little tune in perfect unison while others shuffled around, seeming to do a little dance. You were quick to realize the whistling of one of the birds didn’t match up and noticed that it was coming from the man with the large white and green striped hat as well as massive black feathered wings dangling on his back, fluffing themselves up every so often. When you and Techno stepped in, the blackbirds started chirping loudly, losing the rhythm of the tune the winged man was whistling as Chat started telepathically squealing about… 2/4? Two out of four what? “Ah!” The hat-wearing male turned around and clasped his hands together upon seeing you standing up, “(Y/n), you’re awake. I was worried the injuries you sustained were enough to keep you out cold for a few more weeks. I’m glad to see I was wrong. I’m Philza, God of Survival and Crows, and I see you’ve met Chat and Techno. Pesky bird, I told it not to wake you...” You pursed your lips for a moment, analyzing the shorter god as the bird squealed out its protests. While he was shorter than Techno, he was certainly tall, standing roughly around six feet tall, his wingspan

probably double that for each wing! His blonde hair was long around his face but was pulled into a loose braid like Techno’s was, although instead of gold intertwined into his hair, it was silver. His outfit was made up of a loose green shirt and black pants, with a red heart-shaped pendant dangling off of a chain into the center of his chest. Why did that pendant… Look familiar? You slowly rose your hand up and clasped at the pendant around your neck, noticing how Philza smiled softly, “Technoblade… Said you could tell me why I can’t remember anything?” “You’re still wearing my gift, I see,” Philza gave a soft hum as Chat jumped from your hand and onto his shoulder, before gesturing for you and Techno to take a seat where he already had drinks and some form of cakes set out, but they certainly weren’t there when you came in. Upon seeing your confused blinking, he gave a soft laugh, “I’m a god, mate, magic is no difficult task for me, let alone creating some measly tea and desserts. Now, sit down and I will tell you everything…” - General - None Mortal of Gold -@generalalmond @binas-idea-vault @ohworm-writes