#i’m not a danger to myself i am just
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feeling super! super! super! suicidal hollow and empty and unreal and unravelled and useless and useless and and and
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i kinda want to live again
#not a vent#not literal#like. i wanna do things again. i wanna go places. i don’t wanna be holed up anymore#saw a mutual baking cookies#and my immediate thought was wow. life is so fucking wonderful#a stranger somewhere thousands of miles away from me is baking cookies. and i get to see a photo of it#and the color of the counter was the same as my friend’s old counter back in their childhood home#it gave me weird motivation to keep pushing through#very odd.#life is beautiful#i am mentally stable btw. just anxiety takes over my every waking moment#i am not in danger of myself don’t worry hang#GANG NOT HANG#THAT WAS THE WORST POSSIBLE TYPI I COULDVE MADE GIVEN THE CONTEXT OMG#i wanna live again#I’m going to join a club i think#start going to the library and chat up the librarians#maybe see if i can help them put away books. just for fun.#maybe i can get a job#maybe i can do this#maybe i can start saving up to move out. or go to college#im already starting to get a service dog. maybe i can do it#only issue is that driving is sensory hell for me so I struggle with it a lot#sooo#ill find a way#public transport here i come
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“omg I have stuff to do today I need to get up why am I so tired”
the leif i absentmindedly doodled past 11pm because I suddenly found the airbrush tool to be Very fun:
#not really tagging this as anything cause this isn’t art I put any effort into#I am just pissed off at myself lmao#spoilers in the upcoming tags#the majority of this post’s content is gonna be in the tags lmao#I watched a vid yesterday abt cordyceps. what a terrifying thing#iirc ants will actually carry away infected ants to protect the rest of them. isn’t that insane#ants are social bugs and I don’t think moths are (look I love bug fables but idk shit about bugs)#but it got me thinkin#ya think that if anyone else found out abt the whole leif cordyceps thing they might try to quarantine him or smthn?#his cordyceps couldn’t infect anyone else but moths so it’s not like the greater public is in danger#but idk if it would be seen as acceptable for him to hang out around muze and tod when he has a parasitic fungus that could kill them#eh who knows!! i am just spitballing.#my brain was just tossing around fic ideas. fics I will never write#like what if zasp knew. like when he was trying to save him from the scorpion attack he realized#‘oh shit there is a fungus in this guy’#like that wound was pretty deep right. he’d probably definitely see some cordyceps hanging out in there#even if he didn’t know exactly what it was#anyway idk what I’m talking about. I’m gonna shadow at the vet clinic in like. four hours#so I should probably get out of bed and stop thinking about parasitic fungi#but rambling abt bug fables while I sit in bed listening to pop music is so fun……
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Hmm
#thanks for coming to my ted talk#vent#I know it’s just the 2 am talking#on top of some very shit events occurring today#but I feel like making some decisions that will ruin my life#not in a a danger to myself or others kind of way at ALL don’t worry about that#I mean like#destroying personal relations with my peers kind of way#I’m so utterly and completely fucked#my future roomate bailed on me 2 weeks before school starts#so if anyone wants to live in Muncie#my place is wide open#fucker#what is her problem#like legitimately#I’ve been making myself sick over this for going on#SEVEN HOURS#I can’t sleep#I’ve just been so utterly fucked over I don’t know what to do#and I’m not gonna have even an inkling of a solution until my apartment complex emails me back#and it’s a fucking weekend so who knows when that will be#if I think too hard I’m gonna cry about it#Steph is such a life saver tho. listening to me scream about this and playing video games drunk on call with me#fuck#I’m going to blow my goddamn brains out. but not actually#I guess on the bright side I might get to live alone
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It’s spring, and I look exceptionally cute in all my springy dresses and for WHAT?
#I go to the office and I go home#If I try to go anywhere my parents have aneurysms…at this point I kind of want to wander Detroit at night just to make them shut up about i#because surely after THAT visiting national parks would be easy to do without them throwing hissy fits…right#They don’t stop me#They just DON’T shut up about how incredibly dangerous visiting the library in an ever so slightly larger city 30 miles away is#Or how careful I need to be if I want to walk downtown to buy myself a smoothie#And it’s not like I’m actually being reckless#I am a careful person and I am always armed#But I do get incredibly fed up with their constant nagging#They keep pestering me to get married already and stand in the way of my doing anything that might facilitate my meeting someone#I am always in a state of “all dressed up and no place to go” and it’s very frustrating this year specially
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Thinking back to the parking lot conversation I had with my coworker after I fully broke down and told her everything that has been going on at home and how I feel so fucking trapped because I can’t afford to leave and she compared it to intimate partner violence and it just. Sank in in a way that it hadn’t before. Like when my therapist told me to imagine if somebody treated the girl I babysit the way I was treated, would I think that was something to brush off or would I immediately report it? Just. Having somebody force you to view your struggles from another perspective is so powerful.
#to be clear I am not in any physical danger at home#it’s just psychological danger that I’ve been desensitized to and kept telling myself it wasn’t that bad#and that I should be grateful it wasn’t worse because I *could* be in physical danger#and was lucky enough not to be#I *could* have been kicked out and had to resort to living in my car#but I wasn’t#instead I’m told I’m welcome to stay and then guilt tripped over staying#get called lazy when I don’t do everything for everyone else and selfish the second I do anything for myself#I just can’t do it anymore#that’s only the tip of the iceberg but enough is enough#and I am scared shitless about how I’m going to manage it financially#but I have to move out it’s no longer just a want it is a necessity#eldest daughter syndrome
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pms is so stupid and it sucks so bad and i hate it so
#boycritter et al#like okay it’s a week before i’m bleedin out the pussy.#i will now have no motivation to do anything and be in extreme pain and also be vividly imagining my suicide at like 10 am#i don’t even want to kill myself there’s just like. a switch in my brain that turns on a week before my period#like ohhhh period in a week? let’s play the ‘how yr gonna kys’ tapes#again i am not in any danger of actually don’t that. don’t worry.
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Using my journal isnt helping so tumblr as my journal it is
#obviously the actual entry goes in the tags#i can feel a grief day rearing its head#I’m so tired too#fuck#i just#i want things to be good for longer than a week#i need to get through today and then tomorrow I can wallow and curl up and do whatever#ive pulled cards that warn I need protection but from what#maybe myself but like#in the way of me being stupid or me being too stubborn to feel this?#is it because of Halloween?#is it anticipatory of the holidays after Halloween?#every time I relax i feel like I’m drifting#is it me clinging too hard to control? like am I unable to relax because that feels like danger?#or is it something else#add the physical pain that comes with the seasons changing and the sudden (needed!!) uptick in hours and i just#i feel like I’m floundering and i know I’m not#life is good and yet I feel like I’m seconds away from wobbling right over a cliff#i dont know what to do with that!!!#fuck i just miss him so much#and i dont know who to talk to#i feel so small today#I’m doing my best and i keep telling myself thats okay thats okay thats all i can do and yet#and yet and yet and yet#for my therapist#or whatever the tag was#grief
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I tell my overprotective and overbearing family that I’m going on a trip and Jesus Christ, you would have thought I told them I’m going off to war…
#personal#They love me and I love them but holy shit…#Literally people from my family are already texting me checking in and I didn’t even LEAVE yet.#I did fib about Chicago and I feel terrible for it but if I told them I’m spending almost two and a half days in Chicago by myself?#They would NOT have let me go because Chicago to them is like the most dangerous city in the world…#So I literally just told them I have a ‘long layover’ in Chicago.#Am I scared of being solo in a huge city? Yes but I didn’t do this I probably never would do-#*so#*if I didn’t do this
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Was in an “I need to do something fun, novel, and mildly dangerous right NOW or I am going to self-destruct” kind of mood so I got a waffle cone locally then walked an hour or two to Target and Big Lots, bought some stuff I needed, and carried it back from 8:30–10:00. I saw the moon! It is very orange. Very beautiful. Very powerful.
I got a file folder for important documents and some Command strips and hooks from Target; and a denim chindi rug, an over-door organizer, and some pretty butterfly depression glasses, which I assume are for liquor from Big Lots.
I also helped some kids cross the street because they were unsure how crosswalks worked; and I gave a few dollars to a lady holding a sign who needed it to support her kids. Honestly I liked doing those things more than the actual shopping but I am quite pleased with my denim chindi rug. It’s pretty.
#Adventures with Tarrie#I hate it when nothing interesting happens on the way to the store so this was a treat getting TWO interesting things.#And of course there’s the whole walking home at night thing where it’s basically me marching through town at 3 mph#threateningly staring down cars and any crevice in which a person could possibly hide#When it comes to normal social situations I freeze up#but when it comes to potential danger I’m like “Where the FUCK are all the creeps#Come and GET ME. I dare you to lay ONE finger on me. I DARE you. See what happens. I will bite your entire fucking HAND off.”#I’m not afraid of walking at night. It just fills me with bloodlust and makes me want someone to try me more than usual#I am such a feral animal. As soon as I step foot outside the mask drops and all social norms go out the window#I saw someone’s little surveillance camera turn on with a green light on the way home so I stopped and waved at it#with my two giant bags of purchased items on each arm#I stopped and ceremoniously bowed to the moon in front of passing cars#I always haul ass on crosswalks#Constantly talking to myself and the animals and occasionally trilling at things#And I walk FAST over any kind of terrain
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The nice thing about Dalinar all things considered is that if he is fond of you, and you are in his good graces, and you are having a Random Irrational Very Sad Moment, he will let you do crying into his big huge large strong but also soft torso. And he will hold you tight. And if you wish to be pressurized into a diamond he will do that too. He’ll be so fucking awkward throughout but he will do it 💯
#luke.txt#drunkposting#ignore me I thought too hard about the implications of some friend stuff and started bawling#if any said friends see this: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND EVERYTHING UOURE DOING IS FINE I’m just catostrophizing#I promise I am on the whole doing okay and that you can say anything to me#I am not in danger. I have no intentions of hurting myself. I just unfortunately am drunk enough to reveal that I’m In My Feelings#but it’s irrational! and I am aware! so you can do whatever I don’t mind#I dunno man I’m already starting to feel better. like legit#I think I just needed to spend 15 minutes crying and then I was cured. hallelujah
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going back to my emo roots and painting my nails black again
#i was looking at pictures from 2012. which is v dangerous to do bc i have to avoid all the thousands of pictures of my dogs or i’ll have#a breakdown. but anyways 1 it wasnt fair that my family was always saying how fat i was and looking back i just looked like a teenager ?#not only did i just look like a teenager but i was also trying to recover from an ed and relapsing v frequently and anyway fuck them that#wasnt fair when in reality i was so young and small#anyway this isnt about that it’s about 2 how long i fucking wore black jelly bracelets for i’m. 💀#i’m even wearing them in my high school grad photos like 💀💀💀 girl#but i want some again ngl lmaooooooo#but 3 yeah i just really want to feel like myself again like. i’m so fucking lost after these last few years like i’m just shattered and#i have no idea who i am anymore so if that means i have to buy and wear black rubberband bracelets again i will and i’ll paint my nails#black again and only listen to pop punk again i’ll do it like i truly on god need to just go back in time and fix everything#and do it all over again but until i can do that yeah i have to try :/#what i Need to do is go home but i cant ever go there again lmao
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[physically vibrating with the effort of not just writing straight up fanfic for my writing class]
#teacher even said it was okay to do fanfic but I am NOT exposing myself as a danger days girly to my class okay#if they find out I’m a danger days author that gets them uncomfortably close to finding me online which CANNOT happen#but it’s dystopian so I’m just doing dd but to the left#<- zombies. not dracs they’re not dracs it’s zombies#chaoticbuggybitchboy#writing#<- this might end up posted idk
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It’s “is life even worth it” hours featuring my constant companion DPDR. All signs are pointing to no.
#I am not a danger to myself or others#it’s just so FRUSTRATING not to feel anything ever!#it’s like life keeps progressing but I’m just not experiencing anything#what’s the point of an unlived life
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killing myself rn
#only half joking i am on the edge of a massive mental breakdown rn#when the page finally loads it does THIS#i had everything planned out and then it all went to shit#my insanely mentally unstable ass is just abt ready to jump#also just to clarify i’m not actually in any danger of offing myself dw tho i am absolutely not ok
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Having a gap year was really great for me because it was the first time in my adult life that I was able to just sit with myself. Figure myself out. Work on myself. Even though I had been an adult for several years, I feel like I really matured in my year of nothing. I now feel much more firm in who I am, even with opposition; I have always been a big pushover, letting other people do whatever they wanted and letting my desires go to the side, but now I am much more likely to assert what I want and tell people no. I’ll just do and be without analyzing what others want or expect of me, and it’s so refreshing to let that go. People really do grow in the cracks
#my thoughts#I’ve worked on myself mentally#I feel like a fortress but not one with huge spikes and a dangerous moat to keep people out (like before when I was so afraid of people)#(because they could hurt me)#but instead I am like a fortress in that I am well built and stable and not easily knocked over#I built a little bridge over my moat that’s open on Tuesdays and Thursdays (and alternating Saturdays :D)#but also I’ve just really taken time to build habits like eating things (when I actually need to) that are sustaining#and got glasses for my eyesight to reduce headaches#finally went to the doctor and got migraine medication#went to the doctor TWICE MORE and tried different ones#made sure I got consistent sleep#learned how to balance productivity and fun so that I’m not wearing myself out to the point of dropping from exhaustion or a headache#I learned to listen to my body#I explored my sense of fashion!!!! which I didn’t think I cared too much about before!!!#(this was due to seeing fashion in the lens of my body not fitting into the things I liked therefore not thinking fashion was something for#me. but I pushed my boundaries and started wearing things that seemed fun ANYWAY and stopped caring about if it was *right* and#started thinking of it as a way to HAVE FUN and EXPRESS MYSELF)#(I *knew* that fashion was a form of self expression but I didn’t really get it until this past year.)#anyway. it’s been a good year in hindsight even though throughout it I had flashes of panic thinking I wasn’t going anywhere#but I grew in a different way sitting still than in the years I was *moving forward*#I’m ready to move now and I have new life skills to bring with me :)
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