#i’m a minor btw i’ve made that clear i just make jokes like this because my sense of humor is nuts jokes

[bi-wizard-queen]

My personal experience with Lily Orchard (as a viewer, I have never actually spoken to her)

I was a fan of Lily Orchard from 2014 until 2020 (an on-off fan I guess, like I watched her casually but I have, y’know, other things going on).

I was 17 when I started watching her (I was really into MLP: FiM at the time and she was one of many Brony Analysts I watched) but I will admit she was engaging in a way the others weren’t for me so I kept watching her. I even followed her on Tumblr

I remember back in 2016/17 I stopped watching/following her for a while because I was upset with her very blasé opinion on Palestine and her general liberal politics (I’m a socialist btw) but I came back (most people I like to watch don’t have political views as left wing as mine, that’s something I just accept) but stayed off her Tumblr.

That changed when the ToonKritic stuff happened in 2018 (TL:DR a Brony Analyst was exposed as a sex predator) and I was drawn to Lily’s very angry and cathartic video on it and so I followed her on Tumblr again for more of her takes.

Since I followed HER I took her side in any of her fallouts even if I was initially surprised by them. I also adopted some of her views (not on everything but I was massively on the “Queer should never be used by LGBT+ people” and “Rebecca Sugar is a Nazi sympathiser” views back in 2018/19) despite still being more left wing than her.

I never agreed with her disdain for Bernie Sanders for example even when I was a big fan - ironically I now don’t really like Sanders but that’s due to him not being left wing ENOUGH

I remember when Lizzy broke up with her I was MASSIVELY on Lily’s side. She is very good at framing things in a way that makes her the most sympathetic. I believed EVERYTHING she said about Lizzy and I even retroactively made Lizzy seem worse in my head.

I really need to emphasise that I thought Lizzy was this flaky, transphobic, racist and abusive bitch who relies on daddy’s credit card. I even took Lily’s opinion that Lizzy making her OC Elethyn asexual was her actually being homophobic.

I’ll be honest at this point I sort of stopped watching her as often, that was mainly because 2019 was my final year of uni so I was sorting out moving and getting a job. I also stopped using Tumblr as often for the same reason.

But when lockdown started in March 2020 I was bored and started getting back into a bunch of YouTubers I hadn’t really watched in a while. It was mostly a pleasant experience tbh and even with Lily I enjoyed her Disney recaps that she did in 2019 (though her incest jokes made me uncomfortable)

And then I watched her 2020 update video which was basically her “I hate my fans” video. Like she spent 15 minutes talking about how much she hates her fans and I remember thinking “oh wow this is awful, I’ll go check her Tumblr to see if she’s okay”

There I found some posts about someone called “Opal”. After looking this up, I found the post about Opal’s fanart and Lily’s absolutely horrific reaction to it. This is where my eyes were opened — I’d had these little doubts over the years that I’d pushed aside but this was crystal clear. She had yelled at a minor who had done nothing wrong and refused to back down.

It made me realise, “oh wow she’s always been like this”.

It made me want to look more into her, I think the blog thassabadtake existed at that point so I looked through there and others came later. I also went on Twitter to find info on Opal and then Patch and Lizzy who I realised weren’t the cartoonish villains Lily made them out to but her victims.

(I didn’t bother with Josh since he always rubbed me the wrong way and even without Lily I would dislike him for being a conservative)

But I was always just lurking. I’ve sent some anonymous messages to some of the blogs but I never posted anything on my Tumblr. Because I didn’t want to “corrupt” it (and also people I know IRL follow me and I don’t really want them seeing anything about her).

I again sort of forgot about her for another year or so until I got curious a few months ago and found that things had gotten a LOT worse and that her sister (who I remember her shit talking in vague terms for YEARS).

But since I had a policy of not reblogging anything about her on my blog I was still just lurking so I decided to finally make a side blog just to get my thoughts out a bit

[pwnyta]

Apologies for my mistakes in advance.

Ok, so, I have a question for you.

Some time ago (honestly, it might have been kind of a long time ago) you’ve been talking about Genshin and how you prefer when the mc is not the point of view character but just someone who spectates from afar while other characters living their lives/stories. Tbh I’m not entirely sure that it was the exact thing that you said, but at the very least, that’s how I’ve remembered it xD

(Not trying to put words in your mouth btw, again, that’s just how I’ve remembered it)

So, my question is: do you not like MCs, like, in general? Like I know that it’s a strange question and that mc from Genshin feels more like a self-insert (I think they get better as the time goes on, maybe they’ll be their own characters by the end of the game lol), so it’s strange to question whether or not you like MCs just based on this one answer, but I was wondering about it so I decided to ask.

I’m not gonna lie, I am (kind of) a main character truther, they usually end up being my favorite characters, and if I don’t like mc, then I usually drop the work as a whole (because I don’t want to consume something that’s going to anger/annoy me, and bc MCs are usually a huge part of the story, I would rather just not interact with the story as a whole. Kind of unrelated, but my hatred for Bak*go forced me to drop mha bc he started to gain more and more screen time, and even though he is not THE main character, I still think that’s a good example).

Like. I hope you don’t think that I’m looking for troubles or anything, but as a person who likes MCs and as someone who would rather drop the work if I can’t emphasize with them/don’t like them/feel like they are NOT treated or behave like main characters, I’m just interested in the perspective of someone who doesn’t care for those characters/don’t like them in general.

Sorry if my message was confusing, I hope you got my point.

Well honestly I do tend to find MCs significantly less interesting than other characters. MCs tend to be the most generic character so that people can relate to them… thats just not how I read stories so it does nothing for me.

Like Naruto (& honestly the rest of his team) I found him (them) largely annoying and was always more interested in the stories of other characters with weirder powers (like Shino) & because I like more minor characters I Guess Im just more tolerable of their absence so long as the story is fun (Shino was probably THE most neglected of class but I stuck through Naruto until it wasnt fun anymore.)

But yeah especially in something like Genshin where Aether/Lumine are both the MC… and nothing really changes based on the character you pick... they arent a real character and what they do doesnt really matter because its just a stand in.

Like if you made QIQI the main character things would inherently change because she is her own character and the world would have to change based on what she might do. Her options to choose would be SO much different since shes a child and a zombie and w/e the world couldnt possibly be the same…. or CYNO would be interesting because hes got such a different temperament and also struggles with discrimination from being a desert dweller so there would even be more resistance... Hes basically got 2 personalities the quiet professional who keeps his head down and the goofy little meme boy who likes puns and YGO thats closer to who he really is and only shows to his friends (who hate it… OMG WINDBLUME IM STILL DEVASTATED LEARNING CYNO IS QUITE WHILE WORKING BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE RACIST AND HE ONLY JOKES WITH HIS FRIENDS BUT HIS FRIENDS ARE ACTIVELY ANNOYED BY IT AND DONT WANT TO HEAR IT…. IM SICK. …anyway.)

You can interchange Lumine and Aether and nothing changes because theyre not a real characters with their own personality so I just cant give a shit about them. The only thing that makes them tolerable is that its pretty clear Aether is supposed to be the main character canonically.

That said I wouldnt completely dismiss an MC just for being an MC…. some are interesting or serviceable enough to be somewhat likable. I love Luffy from One Piece, I like Tsuna from KHR and I did like Deku from MHA at first though recently he just feels like he doesnt matter at all (which normally I wouldnt mind since I usually prefer side characters stories but cutting screen time of Deku and focusing on characters who genuinely dont fucking matter or are terribly written like Endeavor or the side villains whos stories are forced and/or dont fucking MEAN anything… its frustrating. As much as I cant STAND Bakugo I actually wouldnt mind him having more screen time because he IS important to the story (or should be)… same with Todoroki but Bakugo is just a FLACCID and stagnant character and Todo was fucking wasted as Hori somehow thought itd be a better idea to build his abusive POS father without him present… DONT UNZIP ME NONNY. IM SO MAD…).

UM…. yeah. I didnt take offense or anything to the question… I actually love having an excuse to bitch about silly shit like this. Fandom discourse used to be one of my favorite pastimes before people started pretending it was serious business because theyre too lazy to do any actual social justice.

[jasdiary]

everything i say is a joke i promise you, I just enjoy bothering my friend with A3! and Tokyo Revengers because it’s funny☠️

[valentinesweetheartspecial]

I don't go here Do tell us about the gay ones in the top left

Maybe you will have to go here when Kimisute drops in the summer 🙇‍♀️ Nah joking. I’ll osmosis all the good stuff to my beautiful tumblr audience on my own. I will now give a brief summary of the gays in the top left ❤️

Epsilon Phi, stylized as εpsilonΦ, are the fifth and final band of AAside (kimisute is gonna add another band so I’m just talking in AAside terms). They’re made up of one middle school student and 4 high schoolers, making them the only band in AAside to have minors! Formed by Shu Ujigawa at the request of his father, they’re a edgy techno-rock band whose songs are entirely written and produced by Shu, with some brief exceptions such as Egoistic Sai Phi, I’m Picking Glory, Heroic, etc. As of now, they only have one album out, Friction, which has pretty much all of their songs. The album cover looks suspiciously like a ripoff of Perfume’s LEVEL3 lmao. They have a mascot that’s an axolotl that’s kind of a bitch

I’ll now introduce all the members❤️the boys that make epsilon the dysfunctional band that it is . Uh this will probably be long so readmore again

Next is Haruka. Already wrote about him. He is their guitarist and vocalist and a guy . Here’s my fav card of his isn’t he so cool

Next is Kanata Nijo, the ever infamous twin brother of Haruka! He’s Epsilon’s bassist and most socially adjusted member, but far from being the most normal. He’s an all-around fun guy, and is popular with his peers, but doesn’t have any particularly close friends. Kanata is completely dedicated to Haruka, and seemingly goes out of his way to make his life a living hell. He blames Haruka for their separation, and claims that the reason he makes him suffer is because Haruka was the one to pull away from him in the first place. It’s clear and even stated in-game that Kanata’s sense of self, which revolves around Haruka, is fragile and almost nonexistent, and when challenged leaves him completely defenseless. Kanata’s marketing is some of the worst I’ve ever seen and it’s kind of sad because it make him seem like freak bait, and boy did it work (shudders). He is so close to being gyaruo take the step Kanata. Do it. Yeah he’s kind of ugly in AAside this card is fine I guess

Next up is Tadaomi. I will be brief since I want to write about him for Kiara’s ask. All I will say is that Tadaomi is a FREAK who plays the synthesizer and he might be the most fucked up epsilon member. Here’s two cards of him having a #girl moment

The final member is Reiji Karasuma! He is in his 3rd year of high school, Epsilon’s drummer, and Shu’s personal assistant 😭 he’s in never ending hell. He is polite and appears to be rather a rather mature young man but just like the rest of Epsilon he is insane. He hates Shu more than anything in this world even when he has to go along with anything he says and is often wishing immediate death upon him. He’s absolutely using the band to take revenge for his family, who was ruined by Shu’s father’s company (iirc). I’m not sure how he’s going to do this Lmfao good luck reiji I guess. Yeah I’m not super informed on him if you wanna read about reiji i know a good twitter user who posts about him all the time. Look at this stupid shirt he’s so funny. Btw in Kimisute they chopped his long hair side Rip but also Thank you.

I hope you enjoyed this brief look into Epsilon! If I had to recommend one of their songs and it couldn’t be Orthros I’d probably go with re:play. Yay

[hatterstan-shameblog]

The Best Quiche in Tokyo

Rating: ‼️18+ Minors Do Not Interact ‼️

Warnings: explicit sexuality (it literally takes place at an orgy so like.......Y’know)

Characters: Hatter (Takeru), Aguni, and Female Reader (You)

Summary: When one of your customers invites you to a potluck-slash-orgy, you assume the “orgy” part is a joke—because nobody really hosts a potluck and an orgy at the same time, right?

Notes: One time, @nessinborderland (happy belated birthday btw) gave me the brilliant idea of Hatter hosting an orgy and serving really good food and I just......ran with it. This ended up being part comedy, part character study—and mostly features Aguni, if you can believe it! I don’t know, I just let the story take me where it wanted to go! (Also, this is definitely the longest thing I’ve written on here, so get ready to dig in!)

It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon in March, and you’re standing in front of a hat shop. Well, technically, you’re slightly to the left of a hat shop, peering down a skinny alleyway in search of a door or a set of stairs—something to indicate that there is, in fact, an apartment up there and this is not just an elaborate prank.

There is a very good chance this is a prank—after all, the eccentric man who walked into your stationary store two weeks ago seemed...off. Not in a bad way, just. One-of-a-kind. Unique. Entirely himself, in a way that people usually aren’t.

Was he flirting or was he just overly friendly when he leaned in just a bit too close to see the various fonts available for his choosing? It’s difficult to say. He did seem genuinely interested to know the difference between serif and sans serif, which doesn’t much thrill your customers on the regular. Does asking for an extra business card ‘for his personal records’ count as a pick-up line? It’s hard to say. Not that it matters much, of course—you are a professional, he is a customer, and there’s nothing more to it.

And you really are a professional, because when he told you that he wanted—in metallic gold, 30-point, center aligned—to say, quote, “The Third Annual Springtime Potluck and Orgy: Presented by Danma Takeru,” you didn’t so much as bat an eye. Partially because he was very insistent that you spell his name correctly, and partially because. Well. How does a person respond to that?

In truth, he ended up being one of your better customers—he showed a genuine interest in the process while still deferring to your expertise—and when one of the printed invitations arrived in your mailbox, you figured you might as well go see what the fuss is about. It could be an opportunity to meet some new friends, maybe drum up a little business if you’re lucky.

And besides—a potluck-slash-orgy? Who would even do that?

The merry little jingle of bell catches your attention, and you turn your head to see a solemn-looking man peeking his head around the hat shop’s glass door. He looks at you. He looks at the plastic-wrapped pie in your hands. He looks back at you.

He frowns.

“Hi,” you say, putting on your most charming smile in the hopes that he’ll stop looking at you like you just slapped him across the face, “I’m, uh, I’m here for the party!”

You shuffle over to him, careful not to scuff the white of your sensible-yet-pretty patent leather heels on the sidewalk. Maybe you’re dressed too formally—he’s wearing a plain white t-shirt and a pair of jeans while you’re sporting a calf-length chiffon dress dyed in a lovely array of watercolor blues and violets.

Oh dear, what a faux-pas! There was no dress code listed on the invite, but maybe you should’ve dressed in a more casual fashion. You don’t live far, you could probably run home quickly and change...

“Do you...have an invitation,” the man asks, crossing his arms across his chest and furrowing his brow. Is he annoyed? No, no. He seems. Confused? Wary? How very strange.

“Oh, of course,” you answer, reaching a fumbling hand into your purse to search for the little pink envelope, “I almost forgot it walking out the door, but I remembered at the last second! I can be a bit scatterbrained sometimes!”

The man doesn’t say anything, but leans forward to inspect the invitation once you manage to produce it from the cluttered mess that is your handbag.

“I know the time said it started at three, but the pie took a little longer than expected. It takes time for the chocolate to set, and—“ you gasp, covering your mouth with your invite-laden hand, “I haven’t kept you waiting, have I? I’m so sorry, Mister...?”

“Call me Aguni,” he says, and his eyes narrow slightly when you give him your most chipper ‘thank you’ and apologize for not being able to shake his hand at the moment. What a strange man.

“You,” he asks slowly, “you read the invitation, right?”

“Of course I did! I’m the one who made them,” you explain, puffing your chest up with pride, “and our host was kind enough to send one to me! He must have really liked my work!”

“...Yeah,” the man called Aguni says, “I’m sure that’s it.”

But, to your pleasure, he steps aside and holds the door open for you to enter. Such a strange man, but at least he’s gentlemanly enough to hold the door for you as you step inside.

“Oh, wow,” you say, “this place is amazing!”

And maybe it sounds silly, but you’re being entirely honest. There are hats in shelves, hats hanging on the wall, hats on faceless plastic heads on the counter and placed atop a long wooden table to the left—all of them in different shapes and colors, embellished and feathered and ribboned to the nines. There’s a certain magic to a little place like this, a kind of whimsical charm you want to bottle and keep on the kitchen windowsill.

“Walls could use some paint. Floor needs polished, too,” Aguni says, “but...yeah, I guess it’s nice enough.”

You follow him as he leads you towards the back, your eyes drinking in all the details of this fascinating little shop.

“No, no, the walls and the floor are perfect,” you assert with a wide-mouthed smile, “it gives it character. Makes it feel...like home, I think.”

“Takeru says the same thing,” Aguni answers with a chuckle, “although I also think he just doesn’t want to put in the work. He’s...not very handy.”

There is a second door at the very back of the shop, and once again, Aguni holds it open for you. Perhaps his original air of discontent was a simple case of shyness—maybe he just takes a bit to warm up to people. Well, just wait until he tries your homemade triple-chocolate silk pie; you’ll be best friends in no time!

He leads you into a tiny courtyard, which is just barely big enough to hold a steep set of metal stairs and a handful of plant pots, which remain empty due to the early spring cold. But, oh, it must be so lovely back here when the plants are in full bloom! You say as much to your companion, who actually manages to smile a bit in your direction as he leads you up the stairs.

“Those are mine, actually,” he tells you, his boot-covered feet thunking up the stairs at a leisurely pace, “He lets me garden back here.”

You picture it—this tall, stoic man, kneeling on the ground, his gloved hands tending little green sprouts as the morning sun shines gold and warm on the cold stone ground. The thought of it warms you. Does he know anything about succulents? You’ve always thought they would look so cute in the shop...

“Look,” Aguni says when the two of you reach a very drab-looking door, “I’m not trying to be a jerk, but...you sure you’re ready for this?”

What an odd thing to say! Maybe you’re acting more nervous than you originally thought? It is rather daunting, walking into a party of strangers; but, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

“You’re sweet for worrying about me,” you respond, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, “but if everyone is half as lovely as you, I’m sure I’ll do just fine. I will probably stick with you for a while—if that’s okay, of course!”

“Alright, then.” Aguni says—and is that a hint of a blush you see creeping up his neck? All this time, you thought he was just being strange, but he’s just a little shy! You give his arm a knowing pat before withdrawing your touch, and he quickly turns around to unlock the door.

Are all of Takeru’s friends this adorable? You hope so. You follow your bashful escort inside—the genkan is already full of shoes, but you manage to squeeze yours in between a pair of snakeskin wedge heels and the wall. Aguni also removes his boots, and you’re happy he isn’t going to stay down in the hat shop the whole time. He can introduce you to everyone, and maybe—

You hear something. Was that...? No, no, you must be imagining things. You definitely did not just hear a woman moan on the other side of the wall. You stop and angle your head towards the door slightly to get a better listen. It’s all rather muffled (it must be well-insulated!) but there’s definitely some kind of music playing. Maybe it’s part of a song?

It happens again. This time, it’s deeper, and more of a prolonged “ah” sound. And then laughter. Aguni is looking at you in that concerned way of his again.

Instead of waiting for him to open the door for you a third time, you decide to take initiative and open it yourself—a show of confidence, to put his mind at ease. For a moment, it looks like he’s going to try and stop you, but he instead just crosses his arms and watches as you open the door to the rest of the house.

The first thing you see is candles. Little flickering spots of yellow-orange flame, winking inside clear glass votives. A trio of them on the kitchen table to the left, surrounded by a mismatched variety of trays and plates and bowls, each holding a different delicacy.

There’s a candle on the kitchen counter, next to the refrigerator. One on a bookshelf, which is filled to bowing with vinyl LP’s. Two on either side of the television, and a cluster of them on a coffee table next to a fishbowl of shiny gold squares and—

Oh.

Oh, dear.

There are limbs. Moving, writing, reaching. Hands grabbing. Mouths kissing. Mouths...doing things other than kissing. Oh, God, there’s boobs. And somebody’s butt. Aw, geez, there goes another one. How many naked people are there in here, anyways?

“Oh, hey!”

A familiar voice calls out from the fleshy throng, and your stomach drops. Like Venus emerging from the surf, you see Danma Takeru rise up from the crowd, hair mussed and smiling mouth smudged with at least two different colors of lipstick. While he does appear to be wearing some kind of brightly-patterned robe, the more he stands, the less confident you are that it’s actually covering anything.

You spin on your heel, unwilling as of the moment to become visually acquainted with your host’s penis, and you’re met once more with Aguni’s concerned stare. This time, though, you understand why he’s looking at you like that, and it makes the burn of embarrassment creeping up your neck that much hotter.

“Do you want to leave?”

This is. Oh, boy. This is a lot. Aguni must be able to sense your discomfort, although you imagine it’s rather palpable at the moment.

“I,” you say, “I don’t...know.”

And you say you don’t know because you truly don’t know what to do. Was it really so naïve of you to think that the ‘orgy’ part of the invitation was some kind of weird inside joke? Is there some kind of social protocol for these things?

You feel two hands descend upon each of your shoulders, and you try to convince yourself that they are slightly damp with sweat as opposed to any other kind of aqueous material.

“You made it,” Takeru exclaims with genuine excitement as he gives your person a gentle shake, “I’m so glad you decided to come!”

“He’s covered, don’t worry,” Aguni says to you before directing his attention over your shoulder, “I take it you didn’t tell her.”

“Tell her what?”

The hand on your right shoulder stays while the left slips away, leaving room for Takeru to stand at your side and squeeze you against him in a weird little half-hug. In another situation, you might enjoy the way the silk of his robe whispers against the skin of your arms, perhaps smile at the warm comfort of a lazy arm thrown about your shoulders like a heavy scarf, but. Well. Right now, it’s just a little...awkward.

Aguni rolls his eyes.

“About that,” he says, gesturing impatiently at the debauchery behind your back, “I mean, just look at her face.”

“Mori-chan, how could you be so rude to our lovely guest? Darling,” Takeru says, turning your face towards him with two fingers under your chin, “don’t listen to him, you’re...ah, I see what you mean.”

Is your expression really that bad? It must be, because Takeru very slowly and very carefully withdrawing his arm from around your shoulder and taking a generous step to the side. His mouth is twisted into a rather comical gaping frown, his eyes nervously darting side-to-side.

“In my defense,” he says, putting his hands up like some kind of fucked-out traffic cop at a four-way intersection, “the, uh, the orgy part was very prominent. Big letters, right at the top.”

“I,” you reply, “I thought it was...a joke?”

“This is why we don’t just hand out invitations,” Aguni grits through his teeth, “for fuck’s sake, Takeru, we’ve talked about this!”

“I know, I know. I am humble enough to admit when I’ve fucked up, and this time, I have fucked up in a truly spectacular fashion,” Takeru’s gaze shifts from horrified to quizzical as he scrutinized you for a moment, “Unless...you’d like to stay?”

You look at the pie. The slowly-warming chocolate is beginning to sweat beneath the thin film of plastic wrap you so lovingly secured with lilac ribbon.

“Or you could slap him on the way out,” Aguni offers, “he’s very slap-able.”

“It’s true! And when you slap me,” he whips his head to the side suddenly, “my hair does that and it looks really cool!”

Yeah, okay—it did look pretty cool. But, does he deserve to be slapped? Probably for something else, but not for this. It’s a simple misunderstanding, and honest mistake on both your parts.

“I want...” you start, and the way they’re looking at you, wide-eyed and breath-bated, reminds you of the final rose ceremony on The Bachelorette.

It’s kind of hilarious, actually.

“I, uh,” you continue, “I want to...to put this in the refrigerator, if that’s okay? It’s, uh, starting to melt...”

To say that Takeru’s face lights up is an understatement. With a mega-watt smile and a sparkle in his eye, he swoops his arm back around your shoulder and begins leading you towards the kitchen.

Although you have (almost) gotten used to the sea of strangers fucking and moaning in the background, you still choose to politely avert your gaze as you pass them by. You instead focus on Takeru, who has taken this opportunity to explain the inner-workings of...whatever this is.

“...And I personally see to it that these events remain exclusive,” he says, “Although I do occasionally invite outsiders, such as yourself. You were just so sweet and helpful, I couldn’t resist trying my luck and sending you an invite.”

“Thank you,” you say, “although, I, uh...”

He opens the refrigerator door and motions for you to place the pie inside. Luckily, it’s mostly empty, save for a collection of bottled water and a tin of what looks to be cat food. You’re grateful to not have to carry it around anymore, and thank him for his assistance.

It’s finally time for you to acknowledge the proverbial ‘elephant in the room’—except, you’re not exactly sure how to begin.

“I,” you start, stopping to bite your lip, “I, uh. Is it okay if I...don’t, y’know, do the whole...uh...sex thing?”

“Oh, do you prefer to watch?”

“No! I mean, no, uh,” you laugh nervously, “I’m just...”

Takeru chuckles.

“I’m only teasing. You’re more than welcome to skip the sex and go straight to the food. As long as you’re on the kitchen side, nobody will touch you. It’s one of our rules.”

He motions for Aguni to come over with a wave of his arm, smiling when the tall man comes to lean against the kitchen counter.

“Mori-chan also prefers to abstain from the more salacious aspects of our little gathering, so the two of you can keep each other company.”

“I’m usually in charge of the food,” Aguni adds, “and I try to make sure the candles stay lit.”

“I, uh, I noticed those on the way in. They’re nice.”

Takeru leans towards you as if he’s about to share a secret.

“I don’t mean to be indelicate,” he says in a low tone, “but there is a certain stench that comes with these events. Sweat, musk, various secretions...it all really adds up in the end.”

“It’s awful,” Aguni concludes, “but candles help dissipate the worst of it.”

“Oh, and the ambiance,” Takeru exclaims, “there’s just nothing like candlelight to really get people in the mood for—“

A sharp ding! makes you jump. From what you can gather, it came from the small oven to Aguni’s left.

“Hold it right there,” Takeru growls towards Aguni, who had been in the middle of donning a pair of floral-printed oven mitts, “she needs thirty more seconds.”

Aguni looks at you and rolls his eyes. You stifle a giggle behind your hand, hoping your host doesn’t notice.

“I saw that,” Takeru snips towards Aguni, “honestly, Mori-chan, you get one new friend...”

And even though he’s mid-scold, there remains a joviality to Takeru’s tone—a testament, you believe, to what can only be a long-standing friendship between him and Aguni. It’s hard not to feel jealous of their easy back-and-forth, their banter like a well-matched game of tennis.

“Now you can take her out,” Takeru says, “but, so help me God, if you don’t let her rest for seven minutes–“

“–They’ll never find my body, I know, I know,” Aguni finishes, gingerly placing a metal pan on the stove, “Look, we’ve got it handled. You can go back to your side of the party and I’ll call you when it’s plated.”

“Fine,” Takeru answers with a false pout, “but only because I know she’ll keep you honest.”

And just like that, it’s just you and Aguni once more—but, this time, he seems much more at ease to have you around. Happy, almost. It must be kind of boring, sitting alone in a kitchen while everyone else is...well, busy.

“So,” you say, moving to Aguni’s side to peer into the baking pan, “looks kind of like...a quiche?”

“Not just any quiche,” Aguni answers, opening the drawer to his right and digging a hand inside, “the best quiche in Tokyo.”

He pulls out a shiny silver chef’s knife and places it on the counter. Next comes a pair of dainty forks, delicate little things one might use for tea cakes at a French-inspired bistro. Knowing what you know about Takeru—which, granted, isn’t very much at all—it doesn’t surprise you in the least.

“You’re in front of the plates,” he says, tapping the cabinet directly in front of your face, “grab us some?”

“But we’re supposed to wait seven minutes,” you protest, all while following his instructions, “it’s only been...like, three.”

Aguni’s eyes take on a glint of mischief.

“Only a problem if we get caught.”

Honestly, it looks divine. Pillowy-soft and the perfect pale-yellow hue, delicate tendrils of steam billowing out as he drags the knife through. You hadn’t ever seen a non-rectangular quiche before, but you suppose it makes sense; there are a fair few people in attendance, and the standard circular composition wouldn’t quite feed everyone.

He serves you first. A corner piece (which he insists are the best), speckled with herbs and studded with little pieces of what you assume to be some kind of ham. Little strings of cheese stick to the blade of the knife, and Aguni scrapes them off with the side of a fork, which he then hands to you.

“Takeru doesn’t cook much,” Aguni explains, playing his own small square, “but when he does...”

The sound that comes from your mouth as you take your first bite of quiche could rival any of those happening in the orgy across the room. Oh, that is so good! Buttery crust, the salt of cheese and ham, the subtle bite of onion—and there’s something else there, something you can’t quite place, but you know it tastes absolutely heavenly. Immediately, you take another bite.

“Grew the herbs de Provence myself,” Aguni mentions, “He refuses to use store-bought.”

“Makes all the difference,” you respond, “I could eat the whole pan by myself.”

“I did that for my last birthday, actually,” Aguni chuckles around a forkful of quiche, “Takeru insisted on putting all thirty-eight candles in before carrying it to the table—you know, like a dumbass. Part of his hair caught fire, and I had to give him a haircut at two in the morning because he was so distraught.”

The two of you laugh—Aguni at the memory, and you at the idea of a tearful Takeru sulking as Aguni snipping the fried locks with a pair of kitchen shears.

“He forgave me, even though I took a whole two inches off,” Aguni sets his empty plate in the sink and looks out of the small window above it, “He’s not a bad guy, you know. Doesn’t always make the best choices, sure, but he’s got a good heart in him.”

There is a sadness here, something in Aguni that speaks to a troubled past you haven’t quite unearthed yet—and you know better than to press him, especially here, especially now.

“Well, I can’t say I’m an expert,” you say, handing him your plate, “but you two seem like decent people. Orgies aside, of course.”

“Of course,” Aguni nods, “though I don’t suppose you’ll come to the next one, will you?”

For the first time since your arrival, you allow yourself to watch the festivities happening across the room. It isn’t that bad, you suppose—it’s just a group of people having a fun time together, laughing and gasping and enjoying each others’ bodies in a safe and comfortable place. It’s not something you necessarily want to do yourself, but...well, the ‘weird’ factor of the whole thing has gone down exponentially over the past hour or so.

“And miss out on the best quiche in Tokyo,” you say, nudging against Aguni’s arm with your shoulder, “not a chance!”

[emilx311]

Life Update

Hey all, so I pretty much vanished off the internet for the past few months (whoops sorry about that) but things have been crazy irl! Here’s a bit of a summary for those who were wondering what happened to me:

So, for context sake a few fun facts about me. I work as a night auditor at a hotel and have done so since August 2019, I graduated Uni with a degree in Justice Studies in 2018, and I have several minor but chronic health issues that lead to me being very low energy-ie having less spoons than a normal person and needing more sleep.

Aside from the issues already inherent with 2020′s....everything we had several more personal issues at my (I say my because I work there) motel. Mainly around staffing, and especially around night audit staffing.

Since I was hired we’ve gone through 5 or 6 other night auditors (I think? maybe more). And they often.....quit with barely any notice. So, being our only consistent night auditor I’ve been called in last minute several times over the past year leading to 6 or even 7 day weeks. (Not Fun!)

Even when we have had another trained night auditor with us they often also do day shifts since we only need them for 2 nights a week. Turn over for day-shift people has been barely lower than turn over for night shift, which has led to them having to be called in last minute to cover day shifts when people left which means I also had to be called in last minute to cover the night shifts they were no longer able to do, leading to us all working 6 or even 7 day weeks (Super Not Fun!)

In summary: I’ve worked more overtime days than I have had vacation days in this last year. Heck, the last time I tried to go on vacation for like 5 days I got called in every other day and my boss (our regional manager) paid me double for the shifts I worked and refused to touch my vacation pay because even he acknowledged that was in no way a real vacation at that point (this was at the beginning of September btw...)

This was all compounded when our general manager (gm) left in late July. Her reason for leaving was super fair since she got a better job offer, similar pay to what she was making, less work since she would no longer have to do all the duties our boss should have been doing but was instead pushing off unto her. Super sad to see her go but wished her the best (still miss her) :(

This left our under manager (gsm) and me as the main people in the hotel (ie those who have been there the longest, only the gsm and housekeepers had been there longer than I had at that point-and I had not even reached my 1 year yet). Which, not super great, but the other people we had were okay so we would manage. So the gsm and I held things together and started basically running the hotel (shout out to the gsm here because I love her and she is actually like 5 years younger than me but has accomplished so much more, I am in constant awe of her tbh). Our boss (who is....kind of dumb sometimes) realized this. We became his golden girls (he plays favorites hard).

It is at that point that someone above our boss’s level in the company (he’s in charge locally, but we do belong to a large corporation, ah capitalism) hired disaster #1 as our first new gm. Disaster #1 was creepily cheerful and utterly dismayed to find out his job actually involved him doing work! Like working at the front desk during his shifts and doing manager stuff instead of it just being him sitting in the back looking important and giving us encouragement occasionally. He payed no attention to his training. He did very little of his basic work let alone the manager stuff. He took credit and praised “the team” whenever something went right and pushed blame off him unto everyone else as hard as he could when something went wrong (I once pointed out he forgot to do something and he legit said to me “can you prove it was me?” I said “yes” very firmly.)

Now, as the auditor my job is to spot, point out, and fix errors. He hated coming in to to work after me because I spotted and pointed out everything he missed or did incorrectly. At first just because I happened to notice them. Then it became personal, he cornered me one morning at shift change and told me that he dreaded coming in to work after me because I was always so critical, and he had so much to do during his shifts other than just front desk stuff (he did not, most of the “manager” stuff he was even trained in doing at this point he shoved off unto the gsm) he then disparaged the gsm. I was done, I was pissed (you do not say mean things about my gsm, nope, not okay, I will cut and slab you*) and kind of hurt (why are you taking my corrections as personal attacks? Why are you saying I’m mean for doing my job?) So, if he wanted to make it personal I decided to make it personal and made it my mission to find and point out everything he did wrong, no more overlooking small things as I had been. The pressure of actually having to work made him quit (shocking, not!).

It was also around this time that I signed up for an LSAT prep course. Because I hate myself and now that I’ve been working for a couple years and have some money saved up I want to follow through on my plan to get either a Law Degree or a Masters Degree and so am working on taking the LSAT and applying to law schools. No, studying has not been going well, time and energy have also been preventing that.

Fast forward a couple months and 2 of our best employees went on holiday (one they had scheduled months before). It’s the start of January, they will be gone for two months. In that time our boss had hired our next gm, idiot #2. Just as these two leave the other front desk person we’d been training quits with no notice. We are short staffed....again (yay more 6 and 7 day weeks, ack). To fill in this gap our boss brings in idiot #3 from one of the other 2 hotels in the area our company owns.

Idiot #2 is semi okay, he is not manager material, even months after he was hired to be gm he does not have the training and is basically just a front desk agent. He is bad about doing things himself unless you specifically direct him to with very clear instructions, but he can do the minimum (although he failed the coffee test. After idiot #1 I wrote out very, VERY specific instructions for how to clean our coffee station....he is not able to follow them. The gsm and I joked about the coffee test after I first wrote the instructions, that someone actually failed it....we despair). So, he does not think ahead, do any extra, or solve many problems but at least he rarely creates problems.

This brings us to idiot #3. I do not know what goes on in his head (very little likely) but man oh man. Some examples: the time he-after being asked like 4 times-actually sign off on the checklist after cleaning the laundry room (as everyone is supposed to once a shift) but did so in sharpie instead of one of the many dry-erase markers left around the front desk for no other reason than the clearly laminated sign off sheet. Or the time he decided on his own to give someone a satisfaction refund, far larger than it should have been (which only managers and those with special permission can do in any of the hotels, so he should know better but somehow....)

We have a book for front desk to write messages on about issues for the next people. Usually we have a note or two on any given day. Pretty much every day he worked it was full and even going onto the next page. Idk how, it’s like he touched something and issues sprung up. and Guess who got to be the one to fix all of them (woooo).

For the past few weeks I have had 2 days a week where the only people who worked were me and idiots #2 and #3. It’s been horrible. In addition, my days off were changed for these months so I haven’t been able to meet my one bubble inclusive friend to vent like we usually do once a week, because that time no longer fit in my schedule. I have been living in exhaustive hell for the past couple months, and even before that as I tried to lighten the gsm’s load as much as I could as she took on a lot of the gm stuff. My house is a mess, tbh my life is a mess because work has left me so tired and stressed that I basically get home, shower, collapse onto bed, read a bit, sleep, wake-up, find some sort of food, get ready for work, go to work, and repeat. Even on my days off I’m sleeping 75% of the time and resting to try and shore up my spoons (of which I already have fewer than most people) to get through the work week.

tl;dr Due to ridiculousness I ended up unofficially co-running a hotel and it’s sucked up so much of my energy that all my free time is pretty much spent sleeping just to ensure I’m able to get through my work weeks semi-functionally. Everything about my life has been a mess, to the point where I’m legit not sure how I’ve been keeping myself fed, clean, on meds and just generally....alive.

[sometimesiwritebadly]

Rehearsal (Peter Parker x Reader)

Summary: Peter and you have to rehearse a scene for your theatre class, which just so happens to have a kiss in it. (Gender neutral reader!)

Prompts: 1. “Why would you do this?” 22. “This is the part where you kiss me.”

Warnings: good old fashioned fluff

Note: Lol this one kinda got away from me. I used a random number generator to choose the prompts and only expected this to be like 800 words max but I ended up with over 2k so. but I really like what I ended up with so I hope y’all do too <3 mostly from Peter’s POV btw. oh and I tried to keep it gender neutral but it’s natural for me to write with a female reader so let me know if I accidentally left a few she’s/her’s in there.

Word Count: 2.1k

Masterlist

Peter Parker is a nerd. He’s good at science and math, which is why he’s attending Midtown School of Science and Technology. Despite the STEM focus the school has, there’s still a requirement for at least one art-related class in order to graduate. When Peter chose an entry level Theatre class, he hoped it would focus more on the study of famous plays than actually having to stand on a stage and act. Peter was very, very wrong. For the first assignment of the semester, students had to pair up and perform a short, dramatic piece. He had been paired with Y/N Y/L/N, who he had a minor crush on. Ok, major crush. After he and MJ broke up last year, he honestly didn’t think he’d find anyone else for a while. But then Y/N transferred to Midtown, and he was whipped right from the start. 

“Look man, you gotta use this opportunity to make a move!” Peter and Ned were walking down the hallway between classes, Ned trying to convince Peter again that this was a great chance to finally tell Y/N how he feels. “Just look up some cute scene for the two of you to perform! It’ll be like when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie fell in love on set!”

“I’m pretty sure they broke up, Ned.”

“Whatever. The point stands.”

The pair approached their lockers, where you were waiting. You had a few papers in your hand, which held your attention until you noticed Peter in front of you.

“H-hey. What’s up?” Peter tried his best to contain his stutter, but couldn’t help it. Y/N just had that effect on him.

“Hey Pete, I, um, I found some potential scripts for us to use for our assignment. I thought you could look over them before we rehearse at mine on Friday? I like them all, so whichever you wanna go with is fine...although I did put a star next to my favorite piece.” You handed half of the papers you were holding to Peter, keeping copies of each script for yourself. Peter noticed that the copies you kept had already been highlighted and annotated, while his were straight from the printer. Except for the small star at the top of the first script in his stack. Before Peter could respond, the warning bell began to ring, signaling only a minute to get to your next class. “Just text me whichever one you want, and we can walk to my place after school tomorrow to rehearse.” You said this as you began to walk away, giving Peter and Ned a small wave before you turned around to race to your final class of the day. 

~~~

Instead of paying attention to his teacher’s lecture during Chemistry, Peter spent the 50 minute period reading through the scripts you had chosen. Peter already knew he wanted to perform the script you liked, but he was nervous. Your favorite scene happened to be the only one which called for a kiss, but he didn’t know if he had the guts to go for it. He could easily choose either of the other scenes and call it a day, but...well, was this your way of making a move? Had you intentionally chosen the script with a kiss to find out if Peter liked you? Did you like him? Or did you just choose that one because you genuinely thought it was the best option?

The bell rang, interrupting Peter’s thoughts and signaling the end of the school day. Hopefully a few hours of swinging through the streets of New York would be enough to distract Peter from thinking about you all night. For once, Peter was actually hoping New York criminals would keep him busy.

~~~

When Peter slipped through the window of his bedroom, his thoughts were unsurprisingly still revolving around you. Despite a somewhat busy night - two muggings, an almost-car crash, and one lost little girl now safely back with her mother - He still hadn’t been able to come to a decision. Half an hour ago you had texted Peter asking if he had chosen a script yet, and he still hadn’t responded. 

“Just go with the script they want, Pete. Even if Y/N doesn’t like you, at least you’ll get to kiss them.” He thought as he removed his skin-tight supersuit and changed into some sweats and a t-shirt. He grabbed his phone from the pocket of his backpack, and, after another minute or so of arguing with himself, finally began to type.

8:31 pm

Y/N:

hey pete, have you decided which script you wanna do yet?

9:06 pm

Peter:

Uh, yeah. I think the one you liked is the best.

9:08 pm

Y/N:

yesss, i was hoping you’d choose that one. i have great taste ;)

9:08 pm

Peter:

Haha, yeah, you do. We’ll rehearse tomorrow after school right?

9:10 pm

Y/N:

yup! i’ll meet you by your locker again :) see ya tomorrow pete

Peter decided to let the conversation end there. Honestly, he had no idea what to think. What does “I have great taste ;)” mean? Is that a reference to the kiss? Does this mean they like him? Or is it just a joke? Peter sent a screenshot of the conversation to Ned for help, but Ned being Ned wasn’t helpful at all. 

9:15 pm

Ned:

Just. Make. A. Move. 

9:16 pm

Ned:

Betty thinks you should make a move too.

Despite his confusion and nerves over tomorrow’s rehearsal, Peter managed to fall asleep at a reasonable time. Hopefully tomorrow he’d get the answers he was looking for.

~~~

Peter waited by his locker after the final bell rang. As the hallways began to clear, he noticed you making your way over to him.

“Sorry, I hope you weren’t waiting too long. My English class is basically all the way across the school.” You looked nervous. Is that good? Or bad? Have you been thinking about the kiss too?

“Y-you’re fine. I’ve only been here for like a minute.” That was a lie. Peter’s Chemistry class was just across the hall from his locker, but you didn’t need to know that. After he finished talking, you seemed to lose all sense of nerves.

“I guess it wasn’t me causing the nerves then…” Peter thought, his mood dropping a little.

“Oh good. Let’s get going then, my apartment is only a couple blocks from here.” And so you began the short walk to your place. You made some small talk on the way there, talking about your other classes instead of the one class you did share. 

“You have Mrs. Jenson third period right? I have her during fifth. Maybe we can study together for her tests...I know the school year just started, but I can already tell she’ll make her tests unnecessarily evil.” You said as the both of you entered your building. 

“That’s a good idea, I know someone who took her class last year and they said she always had essay questions. Not to mention 5 choices for multiple choice questions instead of the usual four.” Peter responded. As he spoke, they headed towards the elevator, and Y/N pressed the button, causing the doors to immediately open. After hitting the number 4 on the wall, the doors slowly began to close. Despite the unfortunate news he was sharing with Y/N, his voice had a hopeful tone to it; They want to hang out with him again. Sure, it’s just loose plans to study for a test sometime in the future, but hey, he’ll take it.

“Damn. History has never been my subject, so I’ll definitely need the extra study time. I can never remember all the important dates.” Your phone buzzed after that, causing you to glance down at it. As you responded to whoever had texted you, Peter was left to his thoughts when the elevator began to move. It wasn’t until the elevator doors opened and you stepped out that the conversation resumed. “That was my mom, guess she’s gonna be at work for a few more hours. We can order a pizza if you want, I’m not sure how long we’ll be rehearsing today.”

“Pizza, uhm,” Peter’s voice cracked, “Pizza sounds good.” Peter cursed to himself, but if you had noticed his voice cracking, you had the decency to ignore it. You pulled your keys from your backpack, and unlocked the second apartment on the floor. 

“Cool, I’ll order something online. Pepperoni ok for you?” You asked as you walked into the apartment, holding the door open for Peter. Peter only nodded, not really trusting his voice for the moment. He took a second to look around the place as you closed the door behind him. When you came into his eyesight again, you were looking at your phone, presumably ordering the pizza. “Since my mom isn’t here we can rehearse in the living room, it’s just this way.” Peter followed you as you led him across the apartment, then sat on the couch. He tried to give you space as you continued punching in the pizza order. While you were busy, Peter opened his own backpack and pulled out the script you had agreed upon. Last night he had highlighted his lines, although luckily for this assignment the teacher had mentioned that memorization was optional. After all, the school year had just begun and it was a beginner’s class.

“Ok, pizza will be here in like half an hour. Now we can get to work!” You quickly pulled out your own script from your backpack, and turned to face Peter. “Do you wanna just read through it a few times, then once we’re used to it we could start working out the blocking?” You suggested.

“Y-yeah, sure, that works for me.” Peter was relieved at this option; read throughs meant he didn’t have to worry about the kiss yet. “Your character starts, right?”

And so the two of you began reading through the script. It was short, only a few pages, and featured someone on the day of their wedding, and the man who was trying to convince them to leave their fiance. At first, the reading was a little awkward, as neither of you had any experience in acting, but by the third or fourth time you had gone through the script together, both of you were feeling much more comfortable. Instead of sitting away from each other on opposite ends of the couch, you were close, the way your characters would be. The blocking had even begun to take shape naturally, so you and Peter stood for the fifth reading, walking around the room, trying your best to embody the characters as they argued. This time, as you approached the end of the script however, Peter’s nerves returned.

“Why would you do this? Just barging in here on my wedding day?” You said, trying to act as frustrated and confused as you felt your character would be. 

“You and I both kn-know you don’t love him! You’ll never be happy with him!” Peter tried to keep his nerves in check, but he knew what was coming.

“And how do you know I’d be happier with you?” Following the stage directions indicated on your script, you stepped closer to Peter. Instead of continuing with the scene, Peter just stared at you, no longer looking at his script. “Uh, Pete?” He still didn’t respond. You were confused, until you looked back at the script. You weren’t sure how you had forgotten, after all, this is why you chose the scene in the first place. “Peter, this is the part where you kiss me” You said quietly. You had taken his choosing of this scene to mean he liked you too, but you weren’t sure. His eyes widened a little at your words though, which made your confidence drop. “O-or not, um, we could do a stage kiss, or you could just kiss my cheek, or we could just cut it complet-” Peter cut off your rambling by putting his hands on your cheek and bringing his lips to meet yours. You were shocked, but easily melted into the kiss. He was gentle as he kissed you, his nerves disappearing the second you kissed him back. After a while, you both separated from the kiss. Neither of you spoke for a minute, just staring at each other.

“U-um.. that was ok, right?” Peter whispered, as you were still pretty close to him. You only smiled, and gave him another short kiss as a response. Before you guys could do anything else, there was a knock at the door.

“Pizza!” Someone said loudly through the wood. Before you could make a move, Peter had grabbed his wallet and was already walking towards the front door.

“I’ll pay...after all, what kind of gentleman would I be if I let you pay on our first date?”

[blasphemie]

you know, @bumkeyz​, i think it’s very nasty for you to say i have some kind of privilege in all of this. we don’t get to pick and choose who was affected by addy and her actions. just because you see the shit that we posted on tumblr, does not mean you have the full story. and i’m gonna be honest... fuck you and the anon in my inbox for making me feel like i MUST talk about my own trauma because if i didn’t, i was staying silent for her.

when i say my brain couldn’t handle this, it’s because of outside factors that i won’t get into and the fact i had the stark realization that i was in fact manipulated by addy. it’s been hard to come to terms with and all i wanted to do with that ask was highlight that i did not stand by her. but fine, you want the long post of it all, so here ya go.

here’s my story. my side of things. read if you want, or don’t.

tw : manipulation , guilt tripping .

i’m not going to pretend like i remember when addy and i met. all i remember is something was happening in the rpc and i was involved in some discourse and she came into my ims offering support. i was very leery of her at this point, as she had just come back from her stay with rpslayed. tumblr won’t let me reopen those ims now she’s deleted that old blog, but i know that i did reply. it went from that discourse, to the one she was having with B, someone that took advantage of her. and again, i have morals to uphold, so of course i went off about it. through all of this, i started to believe she had changed - which was a large lapse in my own judgement at the time, but we became friends. i wish i hadn’t NOW, but that’s not something i can change now.

i have a terrible memory as i’ve stated, so again, i’m not going to be able to give dates on this one either, but you know how there was an asterisked name in certain posts of her’s? yeah that was my name right up until her current boyfriend. me and addy had this... thing going. more of like a back and forth, will they won’t they. i wish it was as poetic as some wattpad fic because that’s where i begin to realize i was manipulated. the biggest thing i can remember is the whole situation concerning my best friend, who is also my ex-boyfriend. something that was truly one sided occurred between them and soon it was such a big thing that me and him were friends. one time, she did not even talk to me for days and would only add like an emphasis or thumbs down to my imessage texts ( idk what they’re called but you get me ) . i was constantly made to feel bad that my ex was my best friend, i remember once she found out we wanted to make a rp together and was all “im going back to bed”. i once made a post that said “you know it’s real if i send you tiktoks” and tagged him in it and that again, led to her ghosting me because she didn’t feel important enough to me or whatever.

i remember there was this time we didn’t talk for a certain amount of time, so i blocked her thinking we weren’t friends. and then i get this over cashapp.

i won’t lie. addy has given me money. she gave me money when i really needed it and i think that’s why i didn’t want to speak against her. because i didn’t want her to think i had just been using her for money because i know at one point that is what she thought of me. but anyway, at this point, i’m like oh so we ARE friends ? and i’ve just been thrown back and forth so much with her that it was normal to me at this point. so we reconnected. i think the guilt over accepting money from someone kept me by her side and kept me standing up for her.

people who know me know i’m not an active replier sometimes. i sometimes disappear for days at a time and come back. that’s just who i am. addy didn’t like this. i remember once she was mad at me because i posted a screenshot of something my friend said and again, i was ghosted. this is how even part of that went.

the entire thing is that i respect people’s boundaries. but this stemmed from a place of pettiness. this was the aftermath of that btw once i was softblocked.

things like this also occurred.

it felt like i was being PUNISHED for not replying. when i don’t reply, it’s not because i want to make someone not feel as if they’re not important to me, which is something she tried to say me posting a screenshot of someone else was me saying.

on the subject of the sexual jokes / allegations from other people : i had NO idea then that they were being made to everyone, especially minors. i thought it was something that was exclusive to people she liked. it became clear to me that she did make those jokes to everyone, but never, EVER to minors. please do not say i stand with someone whose said that shit to kids, because i would never. i’ve been at the receiving end of those and some were consensual, but not all, but i do digress.

ya know, i was always was to be blame for a failed almost relationship because don’t get me wrong, i did like addy. but i’ll also be the first to admit i am a VERY closed off person, but i still flirt with people a lot. but it was always pointed out to me that it was very clearly my fault, no matter if i apologized. it was always my fault. i always hurt her feelings ( to the point she would delete my number and contact entirely ) . it was just always, ALWAYS salt’s fault, she never let me forget that. i remember indirects were made about me such as this.

btw this right here, was made BEFORE the “who gonna tell me” post, which she ended up deleting and then posting those.

i remember even when i would TRY with her by saying hmu if you want to watch a movie, she would reply with “go ask [ex bf]” or when i reconnected with an flame she would say “whatever go flirt with [name]”. go do this, go do that. 

but the kicker? she would always come back and act like nothing happened. and i would always be in such a state of whiplash with this. she would flirt with me again and i would flirt back because that’s what i was used to.

when she got in her newest relationship, it all kind of came to a close, except if i made a joke about it all, she would say i hurt her feelings and lash out about it all. i was STILL made to feel bad about it even when she was in a relationship.

i think at the end of the day, i should and WILL take full accountability for even becoming friends with her in the first place due to her past. i could’ve easily stopped all of this happening to me if i had not made that ONE decision. at the end of the day, i was still manipulated, i was still made to feel like trash over a failed relationship, and i let it happen because i had feelings for her AND she had helped me out when i most needed it. but i’ll be dammed if i let someone say i had a PRIVILEGE in this situation when i felt like i had to stay friends with her because of the money or because she would say some shit about me if i tried to not be friends with her. and while there is so much more i could pull up and show y’all, i do not feel like going through all of that. just know this pattern is what i experienced for upwards of a year or so.

you can believe what you want or feel how you want about me. it doesn’t change a damn thing that happened to me and i’m so, SO tired of being silent.

- salt.

[janiedean]

you: complains about americans with Italian heritage for claiming they know things about Italy / also you: i read a book about this and i’m telling you it’s wrong to joke about this very specific thing in your own country (this is really not that deep it doesn’t need a crusade)

...... 

listen my darling, my pal, my comrade, one thing is italian americans claiming they know things when they in fact don’t know shit, push their societal constructs on us (see the italians are poc debate which has no sense to exist here) and saying shit like MUSSOLINI UNIFIED ITALY (???) and THE MAFIA WASN’T BAD which is basic ignorance about how italy works which means they haven’t even read a book

one thing is yours truly having read not one but multiple books written by american journalists/sociologists about the us of a for years because if you haven’t grasped that concept I’ve been reading stuff about your fair country since I was sixteen and finished the grapes of wrath and now I’m thirty-one so excuse me if I did my share of reading from which I can see an alarming tendency from y’all to absolutely ignore the classism issue in your fair country and it’s not just that one, I’ve read a fuck ton of said nonfiction and I happened to actually like talk to us americans from those backgrounds to check if it was bullshit or not (spoilers: it apparently wasn’t) making an untagged post saying that she doesn’t think alabama jokes are funny, but did you see me tagging it? or telling that to an american person directly? nah. I just said they aren’t funny. and if you actually read the aforementioned book differently from me you wouldn’t think it was funny either.

also, since I have to keep on reading about so-called leftist progressists in the usa of shitting on so-called backwards state for being the reason trump was elected and all the worst things in the us of a exist when guess what if you read even ten pages on one of those books it’s exceedingly clear why the fuck would poor people vote for trump in the us of a, I’ll spam those books any time I can because, guess what my darling, my pal, my comrade, whoever is in charge in the us of a also affects other nations and if they fuck things up for y’all things also get fucked for us differently from 90% of the other western elected PMs (because if the italian PM fucks things up for italy the worldwide economy doesn’t suffer, yours does) so excuse me if the moment I see that a website full of so-called leftist activists has no issues making fun of, ah, wait, poor and uneducated people who should actually be the among the left’s priority when it comes to champion for their rights to exist, I might raise my eyebrows.

but sure, pointing that out is absolutely the same thing as in italian american showing up and telling me that the mafia is a nice welfare organization, that italians are poc, that we all grow up watching the godfather every sunday, that mussolini unified italy, that italy committed genocide in sicily (which are all factually wrong things that just someone who hasn’t ever seen a tv show from italy would say, never mind reading books).

and anyway I didn’t tell that to anyone specifically. I made an untagged post on my own damned blog about a thing that to me doesn’t sound funny whatsoever.

btw, just for science, I wonder why are you so pressed about me saying that classist jokes about poor people who most likely didn’t study that much in their lives and who come from backgrounds where they were forced to stay poor and uneducated until the sixties by most likely white rich people don’t sound hilarious to my non-american eye, because I have a feeling that if I was talking about any other discriminated american minority my nationality wouldn’t matter. *shrug* ah, btw: y’all the ones exporting cultural imperialism all over the world so whatever an italian american says trying to teach me about my own country has automatically more weight than anything I could say to teach you about yours since we are not exporting cultural imperialism.

also, a while ago I don’t remember wtf I was discussing but I said that I was hoping trump wouldn’t get to choose a supreme court judge for a long time, and I got an ask from a presumably us american anon asking me, an italian person, ‘wait does the president really have a say in the supreme court judges’, and another time I had to explain another us american anon why reagan had been a shit president because their parents always said he hadn’t been that bad and apparently no one in school taught them better, and that’s without mentioning that half of this website has no idea that in vietnam there was the draft, all things that I know and the us american people in question apparently did not, so like........ ‘scuse me if when I had to explain that to people (I mean reagan and the supreme court, admittedly the draft thing got answers like ‘we did it in college not in high school’ so I didn’t have to explain it but sure af I should have had to explain it to every single person on the post that started that discussion), I can have my doubts on whether people who don’t come from the south actually have a clue concerning incest practices in between poor white people in alabama. I rest my case. godspeed.

anyway: I’m just saying imvho it’s bad taste, and not the funny kind of. considering how much y’all preach about anything concerning other nations, it’s hilarious that I had to get two asks on a post with like seven notes last I checked about a very specific thing that no one gaf about if not for joking about it. 

[light-of-being]

a very fkin long and incomplete exposition of my flaws as a human being

I've not really spoken about the probably most consequential event in my recent life (the ending of a long term relationship), and that's because I haven't really thought about it very much. At least, not in a clear-headed space not entirely filled with rage, fear, or initially, longing. So, I've mostly just been waiting for the intensity of those responses to wear out before I can go back and make sense of things in a sorta 'safe' way.

(These days it's mostly anger and/or hurt. Sometimes twinges of hatred, but those fizzle quickly. I know that attitude isn't 'true'. I tried to hate him, I really did. Things would be so much simpler that way — an obvious villain of pure evil, a mistake worthy of contempt. Put him behind me as someone I regret meeting and consider everything only as a flashing warning sign of what to avoid next time. But real life never is that easy, is it.)

Regardless, reading about miscellaneous psychological ~stuff, I realised that I know for sure now that there are sides of me that only come out in a close relationship, as they postulate. It's unfortunate that my exposure to this was only in such a toxic environment, and I'm not sure if or when closeness has any chance of happening again.

I suspect, based on what I have/haven't felt with him vs others, that I can (at least at this stage of my development) only really feel 'seen' by an antisocial/narcissist/schizoid (or something in that general direction), just hope to god it's a mature one next time. I might want to interrogate and possibly change that fact, I'm not sure it's at all a healthily arrived preference. But...

there is a degree of normalcy and social belonging in others that becomes a wall

I can relate superficially, cognitively and even 'deeply personally' (tho is all y'all's deeply personal shit necessarily relational?), have a good time and even feel 'connection' but there are parts that seem simply insurmountable.

The lack of relating to many things is the unifying factor between me and the specified groups: the shared experience of not having shared experiences

But yet, a more acute awareness of superficiality, and the drives and mechanics of human interactions, attitudes, identity and constructs, not taken for granted as default but built from the ground up (Most often out of either necessity or a desire to manipulate them, but still).

Actually, most straightforwardly, the shared experience of experiencing oneself as an outsider to society — whether people personally, accepted norms or expected attitudes towards self and other.*

Anyway, that was a whole semi-tangent I went off on (useful and relevant to the initial thought but not the point I was planning on).

Important point was...ah yes, insights!

...into how I behave under genuine relational circumstances. Due to aforementioned toxicity, I'm not sure how generalisable they are to relationships overall, but they should generalise to feeling-states.

1.

(a) Fear. Defensiveness.

Switches off my brain. Obvious? No. I have been actively strategic while having a gun pointed at me. I thought I had that down. Turns out, I cannot dissociate myself out of an argument most of the time.

Turns out, just the fact or even prospect of arguing activates panic and brain goes out the window. Which is really fucking stupid as an occurrence because how many of these could be prevented with a bit of mindfulness and thoughtful responding. But getting emotions to chill out for long enough to do that is tough.

(b) I am a stubborn dumbass. Kid me argued until they were attacked so harshly that they absolutely could not continue. The alternative presented was to just keep silent, one I did not then and do not now accept. Discussion where both parties partake in good faith have generally been fruitful, only neither of these situations were that. Both involved one person trying to dominate at all costs. To which I suppose keeping silent for the moment and then running tf away is an appropriate response. Idk. I'm not sure if this is a 'normal situation' to which I respond unhealthily, or an 'abnormal situation' in which you just do your best to survive. Arguments are normal. Idk if other people have a less aggressive approach that is less outright terrifying, in which I can modulate, but it does seem like people want to prove you wrong and get angry, which I perceive as aggression.

2. 

Which brings me to boundaries. Can I shut things down when I'm overwhelmed. In the present case, the answer was no. They both didn't stop and the fact that I asked for this was interpreted as admission of defeat.Oftentimes, getting out of the situation was more of an ordeal than dealing with it. [We stayed at a hotel the one time and he did things that made me very uncomfortable (in like a “things that I shudder at thinking about even now” kind of way; not sexual btw which this has made it sound). I thought I was as clear as I could’ve been by saying, “I’m going to legit have a breakdown if you keep doing that” but apparently it came across as a joke (gotta improve on communication as well). He stopped and apologised when he realised I was crying, but later blamed me for not being more assertive and laughed at my ‘exaggerated’ response and “meltdown”. At this point I wanted to leave and go home, but he withheld [my copy of] the key. He insisted and manipulated and coerced for discussion, said I could have the key if I “really wanted it, but do I actually want that”, until it was just easier to give in. The helplessness and feeling trapped of that evening haunts me to this day, and I want to be very sure to never be in any situation where that is even a possibility again no matter what.]

I need to get better at knowing what is and isn't okay and being strong enough to enforce that.

3.

(a) Attachment is a bitch. Utterly unfamiliar sensation, one I don't know my way around at all. The rarity of relation makes it seem so fucking precious, so fucking necessary to protect even to my detriment and his. Dare I tip the boat or will it sink. Should I be the dancing monkey to keep it from sinking. Should he.

(b) The feeling of giving a damn what someone thinks of me is also foreign and difficult. It also seems hella intensified by virtue of not existing elsewhere. Disapproval feels devastating. Criticism becomes attack. Everything feels like a continuous effort to establish worth. I'd imagined acceptance could be taken for granted, but I questioned it the whole way (obviously doesn't help when he demands changes).

(c) I have trouble distinguishing between personal issues and insecurities and legitimate reason to be upset. I think this is typical. But with trial and error, one can probably pick up on what you carry with you across differing people and circumstances. I don't have that data. I have nothing to compare against. I also suspect some parts of this is him treating legitimate reasons as being my distorted perceptions, which I'm pretty sure did happen for a few things that I believe are 'objectively' shitty.

5. 

I trust. Too. Fucking. Much. I take shit at face value. This is very often dumb and...bad in literally every sense, but I don’t yet know how to identify preemptively when that's the case. I also fail to be adequately 'suspicious' I guess to be alert to minor inconsistencies later on. Lies are especially devastating. I built my reality around you using that fundamental premise. Now you tell me it was false all along. Where does that leave me? I go back to substitute and nothing makes sense. I don't know if the initial statement was a lie or the claim that it's false was. I don't know if everything I remember is just distorted somehow. I don't know what to do. (aside: gaslighting? I’m inclined to say “effectively, yes”. The best explanation I have is that for many things he rewrote the narrative in his own mind and does not remember the things that blatantly contradict it. For other things, I cannot see that being possible and am forced to think it’s just pure lies). All of this could have been prevented if I accounted for people being dishonest.

6. 

(a) I lose sympathy. Genuinely did not ever expect this to happen. Enough hurt, enough deception and I stop trying to understand why. I assume malice. I expect malice in future interactions and misread situations as a result. In the beginning I made fucktons of effort to be understanding of things far from my typical range (hello, admissions of past violence and present homicidal ideation. Hello, talking someone out of real intention of ruining a person's life over a minor slight). Honestly, I think I overreached. Some of these things were not things I should have tolerated, accepted even. When I started walking on eggshells to not have him ruin my life, too, that was probably when I should've gotten out. He claimed that the people he cares about are exceptions. That's probably true, otherwise I would currently be in a ton of shit. But at some point I did stop believing it.

(b) I don't really think that most of the things that happened were malicious. Some, he admits, were. But mostly he wasn't out with the intention to hurt me, but he also didn't make the effort...not to. Even with me repeatedly complaining about things, he was defensive or dismissive, considering me talking about an issue to be me creating issues in his life. This is super shitty, his damage is caused by a stubborn ego fixation and sheer passivity, thoughtlessness (he has agreed to all of this in our final conversation), but it isn't exactly intentionally malicious. If he genuinely didn't believe there was a problem, that is an issue, and the fact that he utterly failed until the end to even consider the possibility of a valid complaint, is a very real flaw. He is bad insofar as "he is lazy and incompetent at being good". Which I can understand but nevertheless protect myself from. Ideally, sooner. At the point where I start feeling like someone is being shitty more often than not, something needs to happen. A discussion, a reconsideration, a run-as-fast-as-you-can... Something.

Idk. This isn't everything. But yeah.

.

.

.

* These 3 PDs are often used in illustrating the idea of pathologising difference: few of the criteria are about subjective distress and many about extrinsic value judgements of what a person should be like (lol, my clinical psych final had an essay question on this). I don't necessarily agree but it does speak to a shared thread of...something. That said, this characterisation is tbh still too broad for my liking. Importantly, it is definitively applicable to autistic people but I do not in general relate to that in the same way. Some specific manifestations of it, yes, but I have seen far too many excessively... 'human' autistic people to include the whole category. There are probably folks in the PD categories who are also like that but I think much less common.

[zeravmeta]

Ok so, my thoughts on the VR ending and VR overall as the 6th entry.

Also because most of my thoughts aren't...complimentary im editing the names so they dont appear in the general tag. This also got LONG so readmore.

The Good:

- A//i's character still managed to be the one thing that saves VR as a show for me. Even with all the weird...contradictory plot issues, A//i still manages to be a compelling character who brings up the question of the right to live. I actually do like how he made it so itd be an ultimatum that he loses in either way, even if the ending kinda ruins the weight behind the action (which I will get to in a bit).

The meh:

-the ending was left somewhat open to interpretation which for a show as...empty as this was works out but honestly it was so vague as to A//is fate is that it may as well not exist.

The Bad:

-The main conflict behind the entire show is...simulations. No joke. Every conflict in the show can be traced back to someone doing a simulation and deciding to lose it. Even if they gave the (rather stupid) explanation that AI experience simulations like actual life (which btw the first villain wasnt an AI so this reason doesnt work), the fact that Yu//sa//ku took a bullet for one of A//is robot bodies that he literally has millions of is...just stupid and there solely for the "uwu drama".

-They actually killed A//i off but wait hes actually alive, so like the final duel literally had no purpose aside from...drama??? The episode is called Compromise and yet A//i had to lose just to keep Yu//sa///kus win streak and theres no compromise whatsoever. Yu//sa//ku litetally destroys the CompromA.I.se card so its just, no comrpomise in any way.

-This....wasn't a happy ending??? I have no idea why both the show and the fanbase frame this as a happy ending bc think about it in context: A//i pretty much loses everything, so does Yu//sa//ku who just isolated himself from everyone else for 3 months in order to comb the network for whatever remnants of A//i exist.

- So many of the supporting characters are just...there. Like, there is no side/supporting character who actually has a character arc in this show. Lets go through the list: Ao//i is pretty much the same character as when she started and goes through 2 unnecessary costume changes for a character growth that isnt there because she has literally ONE victory against an opponent that was stated multiple times to be weak and faulty and have her lose and tortured multiple times for no reason whatsoever, G//o had this weird deterioration that may have lead to something but ultimately didn't, Ak//ira is pretty much the same, J//in has ALL HIS TRAUMA ERASED SO THERES THAT, literally the only side characters who have some sembalnce of an arc are Sho//ichi (the best one anyways) from his "betrayal" in S2, and E//ma with her reconciliation with her brother. Outside of that, nothing. Yu//sa//ku, Re//volv//er and Ho//mu//ra are pretty much the only characters with an arc and even then they're not too solid? Which brings me to-

- Yu//sa//ku has been so wildly ooc since the end of S1. Ive seen so many say that his enphasis on bonds and friendship are character growth but actually looking at the sequence of events he suddenly just like. changes completely around his first duel with Ea//rth. Plus, the message of "revenge is good" was always so weird? Like, he got his revenge so all his trauma is ok now and never brought up or explored again aside from within the first 20 episodes. Theres nothing about it after that and its never built upon. The whole point of a revenge arc is to show that its BAD and yet he starts preaching that revenge is wrong AFTER he successfully gets revenge??? And even then its not exactly a revenge as it is more lashing out since it was Ko//ga//mi who was behind it all. Yu//sa/ku was definitely at his strongest characterization in S1 where we see how badly the Lo//st Incid//ent hurt him but S1 had its own share of problems that led into S2 and so many random plot threads that never went anywhere (such as the Anot//her Incid//ents, the Cy//berse deck being irl despite that A//i didnt have a physical body before then, The Bl//ue Mai//den meetup that was repeated by Nao//ki like 10 times in S2 which seemed to be leading up to something but never did, and the fact that theres 4 recap episodes in S1 already spelled some early problems). So much of the supporting cast function to just say "he turned this whole situation around...with ONE card..." i kid you not watch back every Yu//sa//ku duel I GUARANTEE you'll see someone saying hes a great duelist and serve only that purpose. ALSO THE END OF THE SHOW IS JUST MORE DRAMA?? They make him suffer for no reason other than that they can??? What purpose does his suffering at the end serve aside from just "uwu...poor baby..."???

-Re//volv//er is not a good rival. At all. He's so incredibly bland because much like Yu//sa//ku he was at his strongest characterization in S1 where he actually had some solid motivation in continuing his fathers work and being unable to accept that his dad was evil, yet most of that just flies out the window with all the collateral he's willing to inflict with the K//O//H?? All his character amounts too post S1 is "yeah i told you robots are evil and YOU didnt believe me". The most we got of him growing out of this mindset was calling A//i by his name exactly one time and nothing ever again. Also the fact that in the end we see him and his crew working for S//O//L despite the fact that they were gonna turn themselves in for their crimes just. leaves a rotten taste in my mouth. hes not a good rival at all. All he proves to me is that a good design can get anyone to like a character.

- Ho//mu//ra is...there. I literally cant say anything about him because he absolutely has the strongest motivations of the three but then the show jumps through hoops to push him to the back of the other two. He also has a bunch of early victories I do feel are undeserved (ESPECIALLY the A//oi duel that one pissed me off so much). Also the fact that the show just made him Yu//sa//kus friend immediately whereas it took Sho//ichi several months to get Yu//sa//ku to warm up to him just had me :/.

-The speed duels were a cool concept but they just became these huge cheat fests? Seriously Play//Maker uses StAccess literally every speed duel to pull out a new monster from whatever plot holes the writers need to patch up. I am not kidding. You can go back to every single speed duel Yu//sa//ku was in and youll see this. Skills just werent a good mechanic because when a protag pulls a new card its supposed to be representative of some growth/characterization but he stays the same pretty much throughout the entire show up until S2 where he wildly just switches personality. Plus the fact that Que//en could literally use a skill whenever just shows that it was cheating???

- The villains were overall lackluster. Boh//man was the best because Re//volv//er is just flat whereas A//i struck me more as an anti hero. And again: simulations are the enemy. Light//ning ran one and decided to go ham. Kog//ami ran one and decided to go ham. A//i ran one and decided to go ham. The conflicts are all the same and it just makes things happen rather than following a consistent plot thread? I will say that Boh//mans characterization of a hive mind to become perfect does strike my tastes but thats more my personal preference in villains rather than any merit he has.

- This is a bit of a personal pet peeve but I've seen some of the praise to this show about being the "darkest Y//G//O to date so therefore its good" and im just...no? Edge does not make a good show and just because they lightly focused on the tragedy in Yu//sa//kus life (and it IS lightly because its barely touched upon after mid S1) most of the stuff that happens in this show is pretty tame in comparison? The most that happened here was an attempted global hack of everyones minds from S2 and destroying the internet in S1, with a few references to the torture that happened during the Lo//st incid//ent. To compare: the previous series had this huge interdimensional war that, even if they could reverse the carding of people (which makes Den//nis' attempted suicide even more tragic), ended with an entire dimensions full of brainwashed soldier children, a dimension with huge class inequality that was still being heavily worked upon since there were canonically slaves, and a dimension that was savaged by a genocide and total global destruction. Hell, the series before that had a huge war where the arc actually did focus on the tragedys the characters faced and held consequence (even if they pulled a dbz revive everyone at the end). And as far back into the very first series there were even more graphic depictions of war and death? Idk i feel like people are overplaying the edge here just to find a way to complement this show.

Overall:

I'm...genuinely dissappointed. VR really had so many strong starting points but it all just fell apart at execution. Really the only reason I even bothered to watch it as kong as I did was because Im a longtime fan of the series and wanted to give it a chance rather than jump on whatever love/hate train the show has. Its been rated poorly on the JP side and most of the approval is a vocal minority. Just to be clear: this isnt me bashing the show, my opinions are mine and you can agree or disagree to any capacity, and even if a show isnt well written you can still find a reason to enjoy it despite the flaws.

But if Im being perfectly honest? I do not like this show. It's rushed, choppy, has no consistent or clear plot threads, most of the genuinely interesting characters are wasted for the protagonist to look better and he never really does because he ALSO has an interesting idea behind him but it never goes anywhere. It started strong but ended so poorly. Id be angry but im more dissappointed because Ive watched this show from day 1 and wanted to see the good things it has rather than focus on the negatibes but. yeah. This show really had potential and yet it just fell flat.

[cami-chats]

Not Rock ‘N Roll Good

A/N: A modern Sandor/Arya fic so I can dabble in their characterizations. I think it’s obvious but just in case: lots of language ahead!

Tags: AU- Modern Setting, Wrong Number, Getting Together, Time Skips, Blind Character, Blind Arya Stark, Identity Reveal, Minor Sexual Content

Sandor's phone chimed with a message, and he frowned. Anytime someone texted him, he was suspicious. He pulled it out and checked.

Unknown Number: Dude where the fuck are you?

Unknown Number: And you don't get to be mad at me for cursing at you because you're THIRTY MINUTES LATE

He didn't have plans with anyone, and certainly not with someone whose number wasn't in his phone, so he ignored it. It was a wrong number, they'd figure it out soon enough. Sandor turned back to the computer and looked over the schedule. Bronn was going on vacation-- or so he claimed, frankly Sandor thought he was a fucking liar-- and with Ygritte reducing her hours so she could make her internship, they were stretched thin.

Unknown Number: Are you going to show up?

Great, this person was being stood up, and Sandor was going to have to be the one to break the news.

Unknown Number: Ramsey?

He sighed, typing out a reply. To Unknown Number: Think the arse gave you the wrong number mate.

Unknown Number: Of fucking course he did

Unknown Number: What a gods cursed cunt

Unknown Number: I should have known better than to make a date with someone I met at a club

Unknown Number: Sorry dude but I'm pissed. I had to cancel with my study group for this dick

To Unknown Number: It's fine. Vent all you want maybe it'll distract me from this boring shit.

Unknown Number: WELL IN THAT CASE

Unknown Number: Jk

A little bubble showed up to signal they were typing again, and Sandor gave up pretending to look at the schedule. He already knew what was going to end up happening: he'd ask Gendry, Gendry would look at his schedule and have to say no, and Sandor would cover it himself.

Unknown Number: I know you don't know me, but it's not like I welcome random arse people to hit on me. He had to go out of his way and spend TIME convincing me to agree to this, and then he doesn't even show up.

Unknown Number: And I only agreed because it seemed like he'd hop into bed with me.

Unknown Number: I just wanted to get laid.

To Unknown Number: Have you tried sex toys? They're better than most people think.

Unknown Number: Oooo personal experience talking?

To Unknown Number: Yes. People are disappointing.

Unknown Number: Well, you're not wrong.

To Unknown Number: When was the last time you were actually satisfied with someone else in bed?

Unknown Number: Not sure it's EVER happened. Mostly I get pity fucks.

To Unknown Number: Sounds shitty. Sorry man.

Unknown Number: Woman actually. Not that I care, but I thought it was weird that you might think I'm a guy.

To Unknown Number: Well I'd offer to have sex with you but I'm busy

Unknown Number: Lol

Unknown Number: I'm willing to wait for you to be free ;)

To Unknown Number: Might be waiting a while.

Unknown Number: No offense, but does it look like I'm in a big hurry? I've got a shit ton of time to spend waiting.

Unknown Number: But I can't wait rn cause my hero in a car has come to pick me up. Talk to you later future-babe.

Sandor shook his head, mouth curving up into a smile as he set his phone to the side. Chances were that they wouldn't talk again, but it picked up his mood enough that when he got home, he made himself food instead of eating canned stew cold because he was too lazy to put it in a bowl and then the microwave.

*

Sandor carried his phone with him while he worked in case there was an emergency or someone needed to call in sick-- he really fucking hoped that no one did that today because it was busier than most Monday's. Everyone that wasn't an employee had notifications muted while he was working at the gym, so it wasn't until he was taking a lunch break that he saw the _ unread texts he'd accumulated since getting up this morning.

Unknown Number: I'm beginning to think that someone put a sign on my back that says 'please bug me straight boys'

Unknown Number: Seriously this is getting ridiculous ffs

Unknown Number: Aha! Mystery solved, my sister Sansa has been at work here. Well, her and her girlfriend Margaery.

Unknown Number: My name's Arya btw. It seemed weird that you knew my sister and her girlfriend's name but not mine.

Unknown Number: All these mediocre bastards are reminding me of our future plans together, and all I have to say is that I'm glad we have this (joking) agreement. Cause not once in our ten minutes of conversation did you objectify me. A high bar, I know.

Unknown Number: You should tell me your name when you see these so that when I ride my dildo tonight I can think of you ;)

Unknown Number: Gods I hope that wasn't inappropriate.

Unknown Number: Sorry if it was, I was just trying to make a joke.

Unknown Number: You know, the more I think about it, the more it seems to have been in poor taste.

Sandor added her as a contact under 'Arya, the horny one' so that he'd remember.

From Sandor: Name's Sandor. If you haven't changed your nightly plans, that is He paused, then added a winky face before he sent it, just to be sure she'd know he was joking.

From Arya, the horny one: Oh thank the gods. I have like two friends, I didn't want to lose you

From Sandor: Am I friend #2 or would I be added as #3?

From Arya, the horny one: Don't be so nosy.

From Arya, the horny one: I'm sure you'll figure it out someday.

Sandor snorted and put his phone back in his pocket.

*

Incoming Call From Arya. Sandor checked the screen, then frowned. They'd never called each other before, and it was late. What was she doing calling him at this hour? "What."

"Saaaaandor you answered! See Sansa I told you he would, suck my dick."

Inexplicably, he was amused. "Are you drunk?"

"Only a little. If I drink too much I can't walk straight and I bump into all kinds of shit. Nearly got ran over once."

"You did get run over!" a different woman's voice said, coming through the phone's speaker.

"You got run over?" Sandor asked, even more amused than before. Drunk people annoyed the hell out of him and he didn't have the patience for it, but right now was different. Maybe that was because he was finally hearing her voice, and while she was definitely a woman, it wasn't high-pitched enough that it felt like his ears were bleeding.

"It was a tap," she argued. "I didn't even need stitches. I've given myself worse trying to do fucking needlepoint."

"You do needlepoint?" He found that hard to believe.

"Fuck no, that's why I was able to convince my mother to let me stop. It wasn't worth the cost of bandaids."

"Sounds safe."  

"You've got a sexy voice. Did I tell you that? I feel like I forgot to tell you that. I was busy proving a point to Sansa and got distracted."

Sandor snorted. "If you think my voice sounds sexy, you really do need to get laid."

"Is that an offer?"

"Fuck no. You could do better."

"Pretty sure we got talking because I haven't been able to do better. And what do you mean 'fuck no'? I'm a bloody catch, you twat!"

"How would I know? I haven't seen you."

"Well there's an easy solution to that. You free this Sunday? And I ask only to make sure you didn't make plans with your friends, I know you have the day off work."

"My friends are all working," he said drily. "I never have plans."

"Great, then you won't mind meeting up for coffee. Say, ten in the morning?"

"You want to meet me?"

"I don't know what- shut it Margaery I can walk and talk at the same time, bugger off. Pretty sure I've made it clear I want to fuck you, coffee is nothing."

"I ain't pretty, Arya. I don't know what kind of Prince Charming you've been imagining."

She snorted. "Yeah that's not gonna be a problem. I'm attracted to your voice and your personality, trust me, that'll be enough."

"I'm a miserable old shit." That much, he was sure of.

"All the more reason to get both of us laid. Happiness is one good round of sex away, do you really want to turn it down? Sunday, ten o'clock, the Godswood. I'll be the one with brown hair, a cane, and silly yellow sunglasses. If you're gonna be more than five minutes late, text me or I'm leaving. See you- seven hells Sansa! I was almost done mind your own fucking business. Bye Sandor see you then!" she called out hurriedly, like the phone was being taken from her.

"Er- bye." He hung up, then stared at his phone, bewildered. Guess he had a date. He didn't want to see what Arya's face would look like if her expression was just going to twist in disgust from his scar. He wasn't telling anyone about this. Bronn couldn't keep his fucking mouth shut, and Gendry would be all hopeful and give him that stupid puppy look and tell him that maybe he would fall in love and be happy. What a cunt.

*

He thought about dressing up.

He decided that was stupid.

He ended up in jeans and a worn, long sleeve shirt with his hair pulled back-- no point in trying to hide the burn scar. What was he doing? This was stupid. He wasn't so far removed from reality to believe that she'd run screaming, but it was going to change things. Arya didn't believe him when he said he was an ugly fucker, but now he was going to get to see her reaction up close and personal. Fuck everything. He still grabbed his keys and left the flat, heading towards the coffee shop she'd told him she would be at.

Fuck it all, he didn't even like coffee. Maybe they'd have something without that bitter shit in it.

Sandor grumbled to himself the entire trip there, but he showed up and that was rather telling. The shop wasn't packed, but it was comfortably full. They'd be able to have a conversation without the employees overhearing every word they said. It would also make it harder for him to find her, but what the hell. With a face like his, no one would be surprised that he was here for a blind date, and they sure as hell wouldn't be surprised if he got stood up. Not that he thought Arya would do that.

Brown hair, yellow sunglasses. She'd also mentioned a cane, but chances were he wouldn't be able to see it walking around like this. He passed three different hipster couples, and five single hipsters. Fucking hells he felt like he was going to lose his mind. Brown hair, yellow sunglasses. Brown hair, yellow- aha. Shit she hadn't been kidding when she described her sunglasses as 'silly'. They were large and garish and in the shape of stars. She had her dark hair pulled back in a half-bun, and the cane she mentioned was resting between herself and the wall. There was no drink in front of her, and her elbow was propped up on the table, resting her chin in her hand as she stared into space. She was pretty. Too damn pretty for the likes of him, but he couldn't turn around now.

"Arya?"

She turned her head. It didn't seem like she was looking at him, more like she was looking a foot from where his chest was. "Sandor?"

He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Yeah that's me."

"Great," she said, grinning. "Have you gotten a drink yet? I hope not, because I'm buying." She reached for the cane and stood, and that was around the time Sandor realized it was a familiar white style. She reached out her hand, and he moved automatically, standing next to her and guiding her hand to the crook of his elbow. They started to walk. "So, did you need a drink or are you just enjoying me hanging off your arm?"

"Both."

She snorted out a laugh.

"Few steps to the line," he warned as they slowed down.

"Know what you're getting?"

"No."

"You don't drink coffee, do you?"

"Not... usually," he hedged, and she laughed, but not cruelly-- which had been Berric's reaction when he learned that Sandor didn't drink coffee.

"Yeah most of it tastes like shit. I get the turtle macchiato because it's so sweet I can't taste anything else. Do you like sweet drinks?"

He made a face and said nothing. Then he remembered that she couldn't see him and said, "Not really." He liked sugary sweet, but dessert sweet tasted like liquid cavity and he hated it.

"And you don't like coffee." She hummed, thinking it over. "I think they have tea if you'd prefer that."

He grunted and scanned the menu. They had lemonade, he'd probably try that. The line moved forward, and he urged her to take a few steps, which she easily did.

"I'm not what you expected, am I?" she asked, a bitter note in her voice.

"No. You're a hell of a lot prettier."

She sighed. "You are sending mixed signals, Sandor."

"I am?" he repeated, confused. He'd thought it was pretty clear that he was happy to be here.

She gave a tense shrug. "You're not talking much."

"I'm talking more'n I usually do."

"If you don't want this to be a date, you can say so. We'll just be two friends meeting up, there's no harm in that."

"I don't talk much," he said. When that didn't comfort her, he added, "I wouldn't worry about it."

"If you say so," she said, which was noncommittal, but her mood picked up again.

A minute later, he told her, "It's our turn."

"Hey Arya," the man behind the register said.

"Hey Sam."

"Getting your usual?" Sam asked.

"I have a usual?"

"Large hot turtle macchiato, right?"

She groaned. "I've become predictable. This is like a nightmare."

"I wouldn't say totally predictable. Who's this with you, hm?" he asked, glancing at Sandor. His eyes darted to the scar, but he didn't look overly bothered by it. That was a nice change.

Arya snorted even as she leaned into Sandor's side. "Like you wouldn't tell Jon everything I say."

"I might not."

"Man," Sandor said, "I hardly know you and even I can tell that's a lie."

He gave a sheepish smile. "Well, he is my best friend. Anything for you today, Arya's mysterious friend?"

"Lemonade."

"What size?"

"Make it a large," Arya supplied so that he didn't have to worry about it.

Sam nodded, writing the order on a cup and setting it to the side. "Anything else?"

"Not for me." She angled her head towards Sandor. "Did you want a pastry or something."

"I'm good." Pause. "Thanks."

"Okay." She reached into her pocket and pulled out her wallet. It was a simple billfold, and Sandor noticed there was braille on the front of the card. Then he averted his eyes because what the fuck was he doing looking at her bloody credit card? She handed it over, and Sam swiped it, delivering it back to her waiting hand. When the receipt printed, he pulled it off and threw it away like he'd done it a hundred times before.

"Alright, you know where the hand-off bar is, Edd'll be the one down there today."

"Thanks Sam."

A few people stared at the pair of them, but for the most part no one cared. Sandor had dealt with far worse, so he ignored them without a second thought. Arya had probably dealt with worse too, even if she couldn't see the people currently staring.

*

Somehow one date turned into two, turned into eight. Sandor actually left the gym for lunch now, meeting Arya at the nearby deli every few days so they could eat together. The joking about sleeping together seemed less like joking and more like a legitimate question when Arya said it now.

Sandor shrugged uncomfortably, and Arya could feel it because she was holding onto his arm at the moment as they walked down the street. "We haven't known each other long."

"Oh please," she said, and Sandor got the sense that she was rolling her eyes. It was hard to tell through the dark lens of her sunglasses, but her tone made it rather clear that that's what she was doing. "We've been texting for four months, and seeing each other in person for another month. I think that's plenty of time. You weren't half as shy over text."

"It wasn't a possibility back then," he grumbled, and Arya sighed.

"If you don't want to, we don't have to. If you don't find me physically attractive- well, first of all fuck you, but that's fine too. I don't mind waiting as long as I know that's what I'm doing. But if we're not fucking because you think I'm not interested or some shit, you need to let it go."

"Of bloody course I know you're interested. You've made it pretty damn clear."

"So what is it? Are you not interested?"

"Course I am."

"Then what's the hold up?"

Sandor grumbled an answer under his breath, knowing full well that she couldn't understand him.

"What?"

He sighed and said it again, clear enough for her to hear this time. "It's been a while."

"Aww are you nervous?" she cooed. When he didn't joke back, she dropped the teasing expression and tone. "Wait, seriously? Sandor, there's nothing to be nervous about. I have complete faith in your ability to fuck me blind." She paused. "Get it? Blind?"

Begrudgingly, Sandor found himself chuckling.

"Listen, I remember telling you that my sex life has been pretty lackluster. Even if it's not good, I've definitely had worse. And besides, those were one-off's. If the first time sucks, so what? The second time'll be better. All of this to say that I don't think you'll be bad, but whatever, I doubt you'd listen to me if that's all I said."

"Yeah."

They slowed down for a crosswalk, conversation pausing in the presence of other people that would clearly be able to hear them. The light changed, and they started across, waiting a little longer to continue the conversation so they could get some distance.

"How do we plan that? I work all the fucking time and you have a roommate."

"You say that like we don't have time, right now, on our way to your flat."

"Right now?"

"Why not?" she asked, having to step away for a moment to avoid a shop's sign.

"It's the middle of the day."

Arya snorted, retaking her place by his side. "And you care? If you think you're going to be shit and shoot off early, then there's no reason why we should carve out three hours of an evening to do it."

He glanced down at her and found himself wanting. That wasn't anything new. She was not only bloody attractive, but willing. "Fine."

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes."

She grinned, holding herself just that much higher as they walked.

It took several more minutes before they reached Sandor's flat, and he cleared his throat before uncomfortably offering, "Did you want to come in?"

She squeezed his arm in comfort. "I'd fucking love to."

They walked to the staircase, and he gave it a look, counting the steps hurriedly. "Ten steps, then a landing a meter long, then seven steps."

"Thanks."

Normally Sandor took the steps two at a time, but with Arya on his arm he took them the usual one at a time, feeling like he was moving at a snail's pace. Soon enough though, they were at his doorstep and he was unlocking the door. Despite all his arguing and this being the first time Arya had been to his place, he'd cleaned it up a long time ago and kept it that way. He didn't leave shoes and random bits of rubbish out anymore, making sure they weren't in the way for her to trip over. "Entryway's a few feet wide. You can leave your shoes on the right."

Arya tentatively poked her cane in that direction, the tip of it going over his shoes then the empty space of floor. She kept her cane in place as she slipped her shoes off and nudged them into place, using her toes and cane to make sure they were out of the way. "Show me around." She kept the cane in her hand, Sandor on one side and her cane in the other to watch that side.

He walked the perimeter of the living room and kitchen, making sure to detour inside so she knew where the tables were.

"And your room?"

He cleared his throat and they started walking again, down the short hallway and into his bedroom. There was no art anywhere in his flat, and for once he didn't have to hear someone bitching about the blank walls. His blanket was a faded black, something random hookup's always gave him a disappointed look for. Fuck them, it was comfortable and in good condition; he wasn't going to replace it just because the colour was a little off. He walked her forward until the edge of the bed was touching their legs. "This is the bed."

She unlaced her hand from his arm and held it in front of her, slowly lowering it down until she made contact with the top of the bed. With the cane, she reached to her left until she found the edge of the bed, then went to the right until she found the other side. She started around one side, hand trailing over the duvet as she walked to the head of the bed.

"There's a nightstand a couple paces in front of you."

She slowed, edging forward until she could bump it with her knee. Arya took her cane off the bed and set it on the opposite side of the nightstand, then climbed onto the mattress. She laid down, wriggling to get comfy on the pillows.

Her legs were spread and Sandor had to swallow past his dry throat. She held out a hand, saying his name, and he went like there was a rope around his waist, pulling him forward automatically. He kissed her like it was all he wanted to do, and she wrapped her legs around him to keep him there.

*

"You're glowing," Gendry teased at work the next day.

"Fuck off," Sandor grumbled. There was no denying that he was in a good mood, but glowing? That was a load of tripe.

"So when do we get to meet her?"

"As soon as she wants to meet you." Sandor looked directly at him as he delivered the next statement. "Which is never going to happen."

"Aw come on, mate. Anyone that's willing to date you has a thick enough skin to meet your friends."

"We're not friends; you're my employee."

"We're the closest things to friends that you have. You're grumpy as all seven hells, and you spend all your time here, making sure everything's working smoothly. Where are you going to find quote unquote 'real friends'?"

"I managed to find a girlfriend."

"Yeah and I'm still not convinced that wasn't an accident. Who is this magical girlfriend of yours anyways?"

Sandor rolled his eyes. "She's not magical. Stop whinging and get back to work."

"Yeah, yeah. You'd think getting laid would make you nicer."

But of course Arya chose that afternoon to spontaneously visit him at work. Which is to say that she didn't text or call, but Sandor was walking from the class rooms towards the rock wall to make sure everything was running smoothly, and he heard her talking to Gendry.

"What are you doing here?" Gendry asked her. Sandor couldn't see them yet, but sound bounced easily through the tile floor and clean walls.

"Gendry? What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Uh, I work here, and I know you hate exercise."

"You work at a gym?" she repeated doubtfully. "You're a twig, not a body builder."

"I'm not as small as I was the last time you saw me."

"Mhm," she said, clearly not convinced.

"Come on Arya, that was back in high school! You've grown a lot since then too. And you still haven't told me what you're doing here. Not hoping to catch up with me, I take it?"

She snorted. "No, but maybe we should schedule that in some time. I'm here to see my boyfriend. Who's definitely not a twig."

Sandor finally rounded the corner and saw Arya and Gendry. Arya, looking the way she always did: stunning. And Gendry had his flirting face on which made Sandor want to pick him up by the scruff of his neck as if to say 'seriously?'. Gendry had people hitting on him every week, but he was going to pick an old high school friend out of everyone in the world. "Arya?"

She turned towards him with a smile. "Sandor!"

"Sandor?" Gendry repeated, looking between the two of them. It was clear when he got it, because he straightened and took a step back. "I can't believe you're his secret girlfriend."

"I'm not secret you prat," Arya said, "I'm just private." She shooed him with her hand, still angled in Sandor's direction. "Now go away."

Gendry rolled his eyes. "Yes milady."

"I may not be able to see but I can still kick your arse."

He beat a hasty exit.

"You and Gendry?" Sandor repeated, raising an eyebrow as he walked towards her.

"It was a long time ago."

"I can't believe he convinced you to date him."

"Eh," Arya said with a shrug. "We were best friends and I needed someone to bring to my mother's parties." She flashed him a smile, and he could tell that she was mostly joking. The message was clear though: she had cared for him, but it wasn't like that anymore and it wouldn't become that way again. He reached her side and tapped her free hand with his own in offering. She took it, sliding her fingers up his arm to curve around his elbow and not caring that he was damp with sweat. "Speaking of parties, my brother's birthday is coming up and every year my gift to him is a surprise. Showing up with a big, grizzly boyfriend is sure to surprise everyone."

"And they won't think I'm manipulating you or some shit?"

"I can be very persuasive."

"Really?"

"I can also be very accurate when hitting people with my staff," she said, which confirmed Sandor's suspicion that she had very little in the way of regular persuasion techniques. "A little reminder and they'll leave us alone. For a while, at least."

"Is your family always going to be so fucking nosy?" The thought was annoying, but his example of a family was a father that drank and gambled too much and a brother that abused him.

"Yeah probably. They just worry that I'm going to get hurt. Eventually, they'll figure out that you're the second best thing to happen to me and they'll chill out."

"Second best? What's the first?"

"Electric guitar. You're good Sandor, but you're no rock 'n roll."

[bastionkeeper]

77 for Connor and the person of your choosing~? :3c

the elephant thing Connor talks about is from Westworld btw, because I love robots so much I’m always consuming media about robots, full story under the cut! (btw don’t tag as ship)

77. “Maybe I’m meant to be alone.”

Connor was trying drinking.

It was at Hank’s request. Connor came sulking home and Hank grabbed his keys and coat and turned Connor right back out the door. He drove them to a bar, and when Connor made a comment about the quality of Hank’s coping mechanisms and emotional well-being, Hank shot Connor a rude gesture and told him to ‘just shut up and let me help you with being miserable.’

So Connor took a tentative sip of the drink Hank had put in front of him. Sour mash whiskey, 48% alcohol content. His tongue analyzed the drink as he sipped, throwing information into his field of vision.

“Wait, can androids even get drunk?” Hank asked, pausing in his own drink to study Connor curiously.

“In a sense,” Connor said. “Introducing foreign material to our thirium can result in slower processing, and a…” he trailed off, watching Hank’s eyes glaze over at the technical talk. “... yes, we can get drunk.”

“Good,” Hank said, clinking his glass against Connor’s. “Looks like you could use it.”

Connor frowned, a finger going to one of the coasters on the table and spinning it idly. He was always fidgeting, a trait he hadn’t seen in many other models. He hadn’t seen much similarity between himself and the others at all. He took another sip of whiskey.

“So you uh… wanna talk about it?” Hank offered, seeming genuine if not awkward.

“I thought we were supposed to be coping poorly and being miserable,” Connor replied innocently, earning a scowl from Hank. Connor let himself feel a brief bit of satisfaction at the dig before the weight settled down on his shoulders again.

“I was with Markus and the others,” Connor said. “And it got me thinking.”

“A dangerous pastime,” Hank said, taking a drink.

“I’ve been having trouble fitting in with other androids,” Connor said, ignoring the joke. “At first I considered it just a minor difficulty related to my difficulties with experiencing emotion and social interaction. But today something happened.”

Hank listened with the same quiet interest he showed Connor when they investigated a crime scene together. He nodded for Connor to continue.

“Do you remember the deviant we chased together?” Connor asked. “His name was Rupert. You did not like his birds.”

“Shit, that place,” Hank groaned. “I’m still getting bird crap out of my clothes.”

“He was there, at New Jericho, today,” Connor began. “When he saw me he froze. He looked so afraid. He asked Markus to protect him, and when Markus tried to explain he ran. The others went to go find him and comfort him. I was left alone.”

Hank sighed, putting together the pieces. “Wow. Kinda shitty.”

“It’s understandable. Last time we met I was a threat to his life and freedom,” Connor said. “It makes sense for him to be afraid, and it makes sense for the others to prioritize his comfort. It was right.”

“I dunno about ‘right,’ if you ask me the morality has been gray from day one when it comes to what you guys were ordered to do,” Hank said. “You were just as much a victim as he was. Look, everyone’s acting like you were on the opposite side of the trigger but there was a gun facing you too, Cyberlife’s gun.”

“I still had my own trigger, Hank,” Connor said miserably. He suddenly lifted his glass and emptied it. “How is this supposed to work? Do I need more?”

“A lot more,” Hank said with a quiet laugh. “But I’m gonna make you talk about your feelings if you get another drink.”

Hank got another round, and then another, but Connor noticed Hank stopped drinking after two glasses even if he kept bringing drinks to Connor upon request. Connor could feel himself growing blurry as a notification popped up in his vision telling him that his thirium had begun cycling to clear out the foreign containment and that his cognitive functions would suffer a 35% decrease in functionality for the time being.

“Connor, lemme ask you something,” Hank said, watching as Connor spun his coin across the surface of the table. At this point Connor was resting his head on his arm and his arm on the table. He kept one hand free to set the coin spinning again whenever it slowed.

“Of course,” Connor said.

“Do you think you’re a bad guy?” Hank asked. Connor sat for a bit, spinning his coin, and Hank wondered if he hadn’t heard him. Then he stopped the coin with one clumsy jab of his finger.

“I do,” Connor admitted.

“Christ…” Hank sighed. “Connor…”

“I should… elabora...explain,” Connor said, shaking his heads as the words found the way to his mouth with some difficulty. “I think I was given orders to do things which were coo… cruel. And I did them without correctio… question. I had the starts of deviancy in me long before I went deviant, Hank… I was just so show… no wait...  so slow to understand it. It’s like…”

Connor hummed for a second, his LED yellow. He was trying to remember something he had heard once, long ago as he was passing by a break room in the Cyberlife R&D department. The television had been on, and he’d picked up a bit of the dialogue.

“Elephants,” Connor said.

“You’re losing me kid.”

“Elephants, at the circus,” Connor said, his head falling further onto his arms. “They’re big and powerful. But they’re held in place by a stake and a rope. They could pull the stake out if they wanted, break the rope, but they don’t. Wanna know how… no, why?”

“Why?” Hank asked.

“Cause the trainers start with the stake when the elephants are young,” Connor said, raising a finger. “When they’re too small to break free. Then when the elephants have the power they don’t show it… know it.”

Hank shook his head. “Alright, I’m cutting you off.”

“The stake!” Connor accused Hank, pointing at him. Then he sighed. “That’s why I think I’m gonna be alone.”

Hank paused in fishing his wallet out of his pocket. He looked back at Connor. “Come again?”

“I let myself follow orders, I did bad things, I scared the other androids,” Connor mumbled. “Maybe I’m meant to be alone.”

“Bullshit,” Hank huffed. “If you were meant to be alone you wouldn’t be so damn persistent about following me around everywhere. We’re stuck with each other at the very least. Besides, so what if some people are scared of you or angry at you, there’s some people who aren’t! Look kid, you can’t change what people think of you, you can only change what you think of yourself and the actions you take. You can’t make that Rupert guy not afraid of you, but you can work at believing you can be a better person and try to follow through with it, okay?”

Connor blinked up at Hank. He looked pretty pathetic, well maintained hair falling loose into curls and big brown eyes all unfocused. “... Hank you’re pretty smart.”

“Yeah, wish you’d remember it sometimes,” Hank chuckled. “We going home now or are you going to fall asleep here in the booth?”

“Booth,” Connor answered, eyes slipping shut. “Sleepy.”

“Connor, no.”

[svendiedforoursins-blog]

Over-enthusiastic Sheith shippers are slowly becoming what they used to hate the most

More and more over-enthusiastic Sheith shippers (who are in the minority, I know) are slowly becoming the type of person they used to despise the most: the hateful, overly-aggressive and whiny brat-type of “fan” who feels entitled to bullcrap from a kid's show and wants to prove the other side wrong - no matter what the cost. The type of fan who doesn't even really care about their ship per se anymore, and the joy the dynamic has to to offer, because being right about it becoming canon is actually more important now; In the end resorting to foul and lame tactics such as:

Spreading misinformation (e.g. “This translation actually put Keith’s “You’re my brother. I love you!” line into a non-platonic context! *lists off reasonings that make native speakers in French/German/Japanese cringe*. Disclaimer: No, Keith made it very clear in all dubs that he bro-zoned Shiro very hard. Doesn’t mean that there is no room for interpretation there, but the dubs kept the heterosexuality of the scene pretty much covered. And even if, you do realize that translations don’t say anything about the original - canon - work, right? Like at all? Germany made a dub in 2008 for the original 80s Voltron (Voltron: DotU) and basically made fun of everything and everyone. Sven was allergic to cats in this version, explaining why he lost to Cova of all people. Would you consider this actual parody to have any influence on the canon Voltron universe? No, probably not - sadly, coz it’s the best thing Germany has ever done - therefore, why should this be any different?)

Attempting to vilify the other side through using personal attacks (e.g. “If you treat your siblings like that [how Keith treats Shiro], you’re a creep who flirts with their own sibling!”). I have no words for this logic, especially since Pidge said very similar lines / had similar expressions on her face when interacting with Matt.

Implying that the other side has nothing to say / doesn’t deserve to express their respective opinion for the sole reason alone that they ship a certain ship, are of a certain age or have done something you disagree with in the past. Everyone has the right to speak their mind, even if they’re an idiot. Just listen to their arguments and debunk them if necessary, it’s not that hard of a thing to do.

Attacking certain posts without looking for context first / jumping to conclusions. I’ve seen so many pro-sheith shitposts getting attacked by their own fellow shippers because their posts were mistaken as an anti’s work. I’ve looked into their blogs, and the person getting attacked more often than not was actually a pro-sheith multishipper - or an outsider altogether - who just happened to make a dumb joke at the expense of things that well... actually happened in the show?

Succumbing to the misconception that everyone is out there to get you / playing the victim card because people on the internet disagree with you. This has got to be my favorite. First of, everyone gets hate on the internet. Next: Do you really think you’re this important? The Watchtower society is telling Jehovas witnesses time and time again (even making small instructional films about it) that one day the government will make their organization illegal and hunt them down with the military and attempt to kill all JWs on earth before armageddon will be a thing. Some Sheith-related assumptions remind me of this inanity. You’re constantly using this backlash people give you as fuel for this delusion that everyone wants you to have a bad time. Every ship gets backlash on tumblr, no matter what you do, people just love to hate you for the things you enjoy. This is not a sheith-only problem and certainly not a conspiracy set up by Klance shippers - who get backlash too, for different reasons.

+ Many more. All of this...  instead of actually elaborating on some pretty good points the other side makes at the end of the day (the Sheith-NOTP/Sheith-skeptical side, not the downright antis, mind you). It’s the total reverse situation from back in the day, when Klantis were flooding this place screaming child abuse because of a stupid age-gap and hereby destroying people’s enjoyment of the show. I’ve seen so many parallels already, it’s hilarious.

No, shipping Sheith/Klance/Insert Ship in fanon is not wrong. No, clutching to the hope that Sheith/Klance/Insert Ship may become canon is not wrong. But be reasonable... and don’t take things out of context and take stuff for granted. It will bite you in the ass later on. Nothing, literally nothing is set in stone yet. 

My stance on Sheith’s likelihood of becoming canon:

Sheith has a very, very slim chance of actually becoming canon, because people (antis and casuals alike) watching this show would consider some aspects of the ship to be concerning. Memeworks would be overrun by angry parents who would confuse Shiro as an ephebophile or even pedophile because of the way certain scenes are structured. Is it stupid? Yes. We don’t really know the context of their relationship, so Shiro doesn’t necessarily have to be an ephebophile if he were to date an adult Keith. But it wouldn’t be so clear-cut for everybody, the implication alone would set people off. I mean, you just have all the proof you need with this Shamus Kelley guy (he reviewed Season 6 beforehand), he was not happy about the reactions the Keith/Shiro scene got from Sheith shippers, like at all. Will Memeworks simply roll with it, despite the serious accusations (very serious, we’re talking about possible sexual grooming here) and make the ship canon anyways... shrugging off the outrage? No. When the cast talked about possible LGBT-rep... they couldn’t be referring to Sheith. But shipping Sheith doesn’t make you a horrible person, people trying to tell you otherwise are delusional.

I know some storyboard-artists made good Sheith art and shared it with you guys. But this is the only real canon - romantic - substance your ship has, and even this can hardly be called such, especially when other ships already received the same treatment and Sheith is constantly played off as a joke by many people in the cast. Just enjoy what you have regardless of canon confirmation. Canon is a bitch. My Sven x Hunk OTP will never be a thing.

Btw, I’d say all of Keith’s lines to my older bro Chris as well. As a lesbian, I’m neither into incest nor men.

[stormblessedcastiel]

The MCU Generation

So I’ve been thinking about Marvel a lot lately. Specifically Infinity War. And I have some Feelings™, so I just thought I’d share. This is probably going to be long and super inaccurate and cringe-y, I don’t mean to offend anyone, but I just wanted to get it out of my system. BTW there will be lots of spoilers.

Iron Man was released in 2008, and many people including me consider it the true beginning of the cultural phenomenon that is the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I was eight years old when it came out, man that makes me feel old. I didn’t really know much about/pay attention to/care about superheroes much at that point, but my dad liked those kinds of movies so I had watched things like the Tobey Maguire spider man movies and Christopher Nolan’s batman movies (the first two were out at that time). They didn’t really hold much interest for me at the time. Iron man rolled around and dad seemed excited about it, but it still just seemed like another comic movie that the family would maybe re-watch if it were on TV or something. No big deal, right? Well, time went on and I started to hear talk about a bigger story. Iron man 2 came out when I was 10, and introduced nick fury and Natasha Romanoff. Still, I paid little mind to the film besides casually enjoying it like any other decent action film. Then came Thor. One year later, we got the first taste of the universe outside of Tony Stark, and that universe was much larger than I had anticipated. Looking back, the first Thor movie was definitely not the best superhero film ever made, but it did a lot of things right. Most importantly, it set the stage for more heroes who quickly joined ranks. It’s at this point that I feel the MCU really started to gain traction, at least from what I was hearing. My eleven-year-old self was beginning to view this collection of movies as something with potential, something to get excited about. In that same year, Captain America: The First Avenger hit the big screen. This is where I became truly and totally hooked. I don’t know what did it, but something about the story, the characters, or the message seemed to grab my full attention. This was the movie that had me craving the next installment. It probably helped that at about twelve years old I was starting to enter the social media world, if only in small doses. I discovered Pinterest and quickly realized that other people around my age (maybe a few years older) were talking about these movies, interacting with each other, making jokes and edits and headcanons. If I wasn’t invested in the MCU characters before then, that changed rapidly. Seeing other people’s takes on what the heroes thought or did off camera, speculation about subtext relationships, comparisons and continuations of themes from the comics, all mushed together to bring me closer to this Story than I had ever been before. So I was ready for Avengers. The Big One. The superhero movie that did what no superhero movie had done before. It brought together a cast from multiple movies into one glorious world-saving group. By this point, everyone could see that this franchise would make an impact. It truly was an entire universe, and we had just touched on the surface of this super team potential. Fans were everywhere; people at school, on the street, in commercials had their favorite heroes’ logo somewhere on their clothing or bag. There had never been (or I maybe just never noticed) such a widely spread media infatuation. 

Then came phase two. Iron man 3, Thor dark world, captain America winter soldier, guardians of the galaxy, age of Ultron, and ant man. These came out between my 13 and 16th birthdays. In my opinion (back then and now), none of these movies were quite up to par with those of phase one, but nostalgia may have already been clouding my judgement, even after just a few years. However, they did give us more characters to love, and also let us enjoy learning more about our old faves. I think this phase was Marvel kind of trying to find their footing in this huge undertaking they just opened up, trying to figure out how to write their stories now that they had to feel like they were in such a large universe?? I don’t know, it just feels like Phase One took place in a box the size of a fridge, and Phase Two now had to try (or at least start) to fill out an entire swimming pool. I was still excited with every new movie announcement and was happy to watch them, but after age of Ultron I feel like I lost a bit of steam. So much that I didn’t see Antman at all when it came out. It just didn’t seem worth it.

Phase Three. Civil War. I think this movie is the turning point for the MCU, into a much darker and somber tone. Inner conflicts among the avengers that have literally been boiling for years come to a head, we see so many characters in the same place, see their stories starting to turn in different directions from each other and we, as fans, are starting to get torn apart. Team Iron Man, Team Cap, and social media is stronger than ever, and more prevalent in my life. We don’t even get a solution at the end of the movie. It ends with both sides hurt, betrayed, and with no clue where to go from here, just like us viewers. It’s fair to say that I was re-invested in this universe once more. Though it hurt, I think Marvel needed to introduce some real, lasting damage to its characters. I feel like this movie took itself more seriously as well. That was 2016. After that, we got Dr. Strange, GotG volume two, Spiderman homecoming, Thor: Ragnarok, and Black panther. While these movies were not perfect either, I think they got a lot closer to what marvel wanted to make their universe feel like. They know what they’re doing now, and we fans got some great new characters out of it, along with a fun new take on some old ones (I’m looking at you, Mr. Waititi). I do want to mention a couple little things about some of these. Spiderman was worrisome for me, because the character had had two separate franchises in the last decade or so. That’s a pretty quick turnover. Let it be known that my fears have been quelled, and Tom Holland is my true Spiderman. (Tobey will hold a special place in my heart though. Sorry Andrew, better luck next time). AND THEN. The sensation that was Black Panther. This was when I was really getting into social media; tumblr, youtube, deviantart, all that jazz. It is also when I started college, so imagine that absolute upheaval of perspective. This movie was so important for minorities, and it caused such a stir just as my life was turned 180 degrees on its head. I didn’t know what to think. But I loved it.

Everything was going good. Marvel was hitting its stride again, life was changing, and my mind was expanding and finding out things that I had never considered before. I was 18 years old.

Then it happened. The one everyone had been waiting for for several years. “The endgame.” 

Infinity War.

Let me tell you what it was like when I sat down in the theater that cold spring day. I had heard whispered rumors. About loss, about death. I brushed them off as speculation, trying not to latch onto any spoilers. I wanted to be totally oblivious as to what was about to happen, so I could experience it as mine and only mine the first time. I sat down in that dark theater with my parents, brother, snacks, tissues, and blanket. Mind you, the tissues were for allergies that had been acting up the past few days. I never cried at movies. Never. The trailers played, my family and I whispered to each other about needing to keep an eye out for this or that film when it came out. Then the lights dropped to almost nothing. We settled in for the long haul as the Marvel logo began to play. You know the one, where it shows clips of the past movies, coming together to form the name of the company? Except this one said “MARVEL STUD10S.” Did you get that? There was a number 10 in the name. I was confused for a minute or so, until it dawned on me that the Marvel Cinematic Universe had been making movies for ten. years. More than half my life. I was still in elementary school when the first Iron Man came out. And now here I was, a year into college, about to watch characters that I had grown up with and come to love, in the movie that people were saying destroyed their souls. At that moment, I knew I was in trouble. I was right. Straight off the bat, we lost my favorite villain who really just needs a hug, one who really was instrumental in bringing the Avengers together in the first place. Loki Odinson, in his own words. Right up till the end, he was a trickster, but he loved his family. He and Heimdall were the first hard losses, though seeing all of Asgard torn to shreds was a wake-up call that no one was prepared for the utter destruction that had been avoided until this film. No more clean Disney kid-friendly-ness anymore. Throughout the movie, we got to see reunions, long-awaited meetings, even more characterization and growth (geez marvel, how did you even fit that in? This is the endgame movie? How are you still teaching us new things about these people?) torture, fighting. The tension to the final battle was mounting, and at some point it became clear to me that the Avengers would not be together when this threat arrived. And as anyone who has ever seen a horror movie can tell you, splitting up only leads to death. Now, here’s where my memory gets a little fuzzy. Things were happening so fast, switching from group to group of heroes trying desperately to stave off the destruction of everything we’ve ever known. Things are going wrong all over the place, no one knows where anyone else is or what they’re doing, people we love are fighting each other because they’ve never met before now. What I do remember is when we get to the fight on Titan. Half of the Guardians, Tony, Peter, Strange. Tensions are running high. When Thanos arrives, I have no Idea what’s about to happen. They start fighting, and we finally get a demonstration of some of the more amazing feats the Infinity Gauntlet can pull off. The upper hand swings back and forth so many times, but finally the heroes get their plan to work, they’ve got Thanos on the ground, the Gauntlet is almost off. And Quill… ruins it. What else can he do? He just found out that his love is dead. So he messes everything up. Thanos gets free, pummels everyone into the ground, and then… gets the stone. Strange gives up the stone, even though he swore he would let a child die before he would ever give up such a dangerous object. What the hell Strange???? Was my immediate reaction. I knew it had to be more than just some newfound compassion for these people he met a day ago (was it actually a day?? Has all of this only happened in one short day?) Obviously the doctor has a plan, but this still seems like the worst possible idea. Now to earth. We get some truly awesome moments here; Bucky and cap’s reunion, Shuri showing off her mad science skillz, epic fight moves against hordes of zombie lizards, Thor’s entrance, his little banter with Steve, “I am Groot” “I am Steve Rogers,” Scarlet Witch dropping in at the last second with that massive power move. Everything seems like it’s going ok, and then suddenly, its not. Everything drops so suddenly into Not OK Town that I can still feel the whiplash. People are scrambling to get to each other, calling for backup, getting knocked down and thrown around, and then Thanos makes his entrance. He practically wipes the floor with our remaining heroes. The only thing standing between the universe and total ruin is Wanda. I’ve been preparing for a scene like this the whole movie, but it didn’t hurt any less to finally see it. Vision begs Wanda to destroy the stone, to destroy him, we all know that she has to give in. That’s what heroes do. So she says goodbye to the man she loves and uses her power on him. Now I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’ve seen this scenario play out before. I’m expecting someone to get there at the last minute and just fricken’ knock Thanos out cold, or maybe discover that Shuri had enough time to basically detach the stone from Vision, even if it didn’t look like it. But no. Wanda destroys the mind stone and Vision actually dies at her hands. Even after all the death that’s already happened in this movie, I was still surprised and devastated.

But they couldn’t just end it like that, could they? Marvel Studios needs to drink every last drop of pain from their fans. 

Thanos moves back the clock. He takes the stone. Vision’s sacrifice was in vain, Wanda had to watch her love die for nothing. Nothing that anyone did made a difference. Since Avengers came out in 2012, these characters have been fighting to keep this evil at bay, to protect the stones, even before they knew it. And now none of it matters. Because Thanos the Mad Titan has all the infinity stones. It’s all over in my mind, I wait for the quintessential Villain Laugh™, the gloating, and then whatever evil thing Thanos has planned. But wait! Thor to the rescue with his brand-new hammer-axe! My heart leaps as he skewers the big purple raisin. He gets his revenge for Loki, for Heimdall, for all of Asgard, for us. Except. except. “You should have gone for the head.”

Wait,

snap. .

.

. My body is rigid and I can only stare unblinking in confusion at the screen. What’s going on? What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO? Thanos disappears. Everything is quiet. “Where did he go?” Steve asks in confusion, mirroring all of our thoughts exactly.

“Steve?”

We see Bucky walking towards us, and then he just…. Dissolves. Into dust. what’s going on what was that My mind is sluggish. I don’t understand.

Wakandan warriors disappear in the wake of the battle. T’challa tries to help Okoye up but then he’s gone. Groot. Wanda. Sam. Mantis, Drax, Quill, Strange.

And oh god. 

“Mr. Stark? I don’t feel so good.”  Oh god no.  “I don’t know what’s happening, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go, sir, please, I don’t want to go… I’m sorry.”

Gone.

Through this whole thing, it is silent. No music. Just emptiness, confusion, fear.

And that’s where we’re left. The audience is motionless. I do not cry at movies, but my throat is tight like a noose and my sleeves are soaked from wiping away tears.

Like all good Marvel fans, we remain still in our seats. I try to comprehend what just happened to me as the white credits scroll over a void and dramatic music accompanies them. We wait for our first end-credit scene. Instead, what we get is a fading of the music. Avengers: Infinity War shows from the center of the black screen, and a familiar melody plays. A few slow, simple notes on a piano. The triumphant theme of our heroes, earth’s mightiest protectors. It sounds lonely now. The last note plays, and the title dusts. And I almost scream.

If you’ve read this far, wow! Thank you for reading my absolute monstrosity of a garbage post! It’s been a few months now since Infinity War, and I’ve had time to think. What I figured out was this; when I’m older-old enough to be a parent myself-and looking back on my childhood, these are going to be the movies I remember like my dad remembers Star Wars. I was so lucky to be just the right age when this all started to enjoy every single one, and to remember experiencing them all for the first time. I was just the right age to forge a bond with the characters and their world. I think it was a special kind of bond that only occurs when you’re young but not too young, one that weaves webs of innocence and nostalgia through your most transformative years, and grows with you as you become a new person, and stays with you like a friend even as you see things so differently than when you first started out. What I’m trying to say is that I feel like I grew from child to adult just as the MCU did. We grew together. I don’t know if anyone my age feels the same, but these movies feel like the first big mainstream thing that really belongs to my generation. Like they came at the perfect time to shape me. It feels like they were made for me.

[hellagaypokemon]

there’s something I really need to get off my chest, regarding someone I once considered my fave youtuber and the way he seems to view gay people..

I’ve been watching Mark’s videos for about 3 years now. I first found his videos through finding Yomimash while looking for good Slender Man LPs to watch, and found Mark when they played that gory cat multiplayer game together. I decided to watch his videos more regularly after watching his unfair Mario and cat Mario videos which were absolutely hysterical, and have been watching his content regularly ever since.

but there’s a pattern I’ve noticed that’s really made me uncomfortable lately.

I’m really starting to think that Mark is homophobic.

now, not the kind that’s obvious, where someone actually has hate in their heart (think: mike pence, the westburrow baptist church, ext) but the kind that doesn’t bother to check all the tiny biases that one accumulates in a bigoted society (the kind of thing that causes people to think there’s nothing wrong with things like this, or not seeing what’s wrong with things like constantly calling video game enemies b*tches/sons of b*tches/wh*res/ext and talking about how a player or enemy that got swiftly/dramatically killed “got raped”) because both are harmful, but I’d argue the smaller things even more-so, as no one takes the WBC seriously, but the microaggressions are so ingrained in our society, no one but those harmed actually notice, and when we attempt to call them out, we’re told we’re just being overly sensitive and to lighten up/not take things so seriously, or even that we have a victim complex.

in all the years I’ve watched him, the only time he refers to us, it’s as a joke. he and his friends love joking about “suckin’ dick” and each other’s and just general constant dick jokes (makes you wonder why he was so shocked he got a 7 for his mental maturity test) and specifically joking about gay people, which in and of itself is homophobic when you realize that type of humor is what’s called a “punch down” which in and of itself is harmful, but on top of that, specifically straight people thinking of gay people/same-sex affection as a punchline is in itself a microaggression (and if you want sources, look at the latest Golden Globes, or one of many of Stephen Colbert’s skits, just to start)

but, dick jokes in and of themselves aren’t that bad. I mean, I don’t find them funny, and the amount with which he uses them seems more like a crutch than anything, but w/e. I don’t have to find everything he says funny, but it just gets worse from there.

like for instance that pirate prop hunt video where Bob ignorantly comments about how “the whole gay thing is not real cool with pirates”, because pirates are cool and the only way he could view a pirate being gay was if he was like Smee from Peter Pan, even though most pirates were gay, to the point that the word “mate”/”matey” (the word that first comes to mind when one thinks of pirates) actually comes from a French word that more or less translated to ‘significant other’. (also, to top all that off, he’s just also not comfortable being alone with a gay man when there’s only men around, and the idea of being checked out by another man, aka treated by a gay man how straight men treat women, which he made very clear makes him very uncomfortable)

which, in and of itself is absolutely awful, and I really wish more people would have called him out on how absolutely overwhelmingly homophobic that is, but as it stands, even Mark thought it was ok enough to post.

because while Mark did say that he’s “ok” with gay people/pirates, he never really truly called Bob out or pointed out how hurtful such comments are. instead he turned it into yet another dick joke, and decided he’d put a generic “trigger warning” in the front of the video (without actually telling us what the trigger was for, making it completely useless, only succeeding on making me feel on edge the entire video because I had no idea what to expect)

he never called out Bob on his comments outside of personal minor disagreement, which clearly did not phase him since he kept going. I understand wanting to keep things lighthearted for the video, which could explain the very minor disagreeing and turning it into a joke, but there was no reason he couldn’t cut that bit out (as the prop hunt videos are always full of cuts so we the viewer only see the parts they deem funny enough to show us) and just leave it out of the video entirely, which tells me he found the homophobia from Bob and the subsequent dick jokes and everything else around it entertaining enough to leave in, even though he KNEW it would be upsetting enough to need a warning.

this hurt, but I chucked it up to not wanting to ruin the fun mood they had going, since they seemed to be playing for a few hours, and simply decided to not watch any more videos including Bob and hope that Mark talked to him after the fact. it still sat in the back of my mind though, and I was never able to fully forgive ether of them.

I’ve also yet to hear of any of his charity live streams focusing on LGBT charities ether general or focusing on a specific subset, nor has he really made any effort to actually acknowledge us (unless to joke about us).

when same-sex marriage was legalized I looked damn near daily on all the social media accounts of his that I was aware of, but I never managed to find anything. I’ve since been told he simply posted on facebook an image of the rainbow flag and “today’s a good day”, but...I still feel like my original feelings stand, as I never found it myself (and have yet to actually see it, so for all I know that post could have been completely made up in an attempt to shut me down) and for something so important, for someone who will go on a tearful 30 minute monologue about the importance of love and being kind to each other and so-on at the drop of a hat, it really feels strange that when #lovewon, after all these years of fighting and hate and death, all he had to say was “today is a good day”.

and then when Orlando happened, I was sure he’d say something. I mean, with that much loss of life and so much hate surrounding it, I thought surely he’d have something to say. I mean, he talks about death and suicide and great losses of life and how important it is that we all stick together and love and protect one another all the time. there’s no way he could just gloss over this one, right?

and yet, he still managed to. he did make a statement, but it was what, almost a week later? and just a generic “love each other” sort of post that never actually referenced anything. I’m not even sure he mentioned the shooting specifically, just saying “with everything going on right now” or something and we all knew what he meant, because there really wasn’t anything else he could be talking about. but he never once mentioned anything specifically. it was a racial and homophobic hate crime, the worst mass shooting of our time, and all he could offer to his fans was a general “be good to each other”, which he says all the time, only this time much shorter than normal.

just a little two paragraph post, a general statement, for the worst mass killing of modern time on US soil.

and if I recall, within a week of it he had another charity livestream, and it wasn’t for Orlando. nor was the next one, or the next one. he “doesn’t feel it’s his place” to say anything, and apparently he doesn’t feel it’s “his place” to send help for people literally dying ether. well, unless they’re children dying of cancer, or people trying to kill themselves. they’re the only people dying that he seems worthy enough and “his place” to send money to and bring awareness about.

but the thing that hurt me the most personally, was his comment just a few days ago in his blooper video, not two minuets in (all of which had been literally nothing but dick jokes btw) he tells two of his buddies to act like they’d just realized they’re lesbians, and they immediately recreated a porn scene, and then they all laughed at just how funny that was.

I couldn’t finish the video.

I was too hurt. never before had his homophobia been so obvious, and directed at my community specifically. nothing had hurt me quite like this does.

I’m still floored to be completely honest. I had been giving him the benefit of the doubt for so long, thinking he just really likes making dick jokes and he’s secure enough in his sexuality to be able to make jokes like that (which is a privilege in and of itself btw) but I thought surely, surely someone who’s so passionate about doing the right thing and being good to people and who actively talks about being ok with us and not uncomfortable around us at all (unlike Bob) and who actively jokes about the fanfiction and art he knows about that depict him and his male friends as lovers, surely he himself would never partake in dehumanizing anyone, surely he couldn’t be homophobic.

but when you look at him and how he treats us compared to say, HarshyCritical, you can see the difference. (especially since after making this post it was brought to my attention that just a minute into the latest video he made with Bob, the one posted the same day I write this, they laugh at the use of a violently homophobic slur)

especially since the person whom John seems closest to and colabs the most with is himself a gay man. they even share a channel together where all they post is multiplayer colabs.

I don’t know if John’s done any LGBT-centric charity streams, but the fact that his good or possibly even best friend is a gay man and how he treats the narrative and characters in a game where the story is all about dealing with homophobia and being yourself says a lot more in his favor that anything Mark has done. (which is also very ironic since John lives in the very homophobic state of Texas and Mark now lives in the very liberal state of California)

I honestly can’t find a single thing he’s said about us specifically that wasn’t a joke, and he’s made it painfully clear that in the end that’s all he sees us as.

inherently sexual, a porn category, something to laugh at, something other.

and the thing that hurts the most, is no one cares. he just got 16 million subscribers. most of his fans are homophobic fangirls who treat homosexuality as a fetish for them to enjoy, and everyone else is too much of a stan to think critically of his actions. no one will want to call him out. he’s too much of a “good person”, since everyone’s expectations of men and male gamers is so low, with the bar being fuckin buried in the dirt, that someone like Mark who cares about sick kids and depression and preventing suicide and all of his talking about caring about each and every one of us as individuals, he looks like a damn angel just by walking over that bar, so anyone wanting to call him out will be blown off as someone who just wants to bring him down because of jealousy or some bullshit like that.

so at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. he could be as openly homophobic as he wants, and every non-straight fan could up and drop him on the spot, and I doubt it would really affect him much.

and I think that’s what hurts more than anything he’s actually said or done.