#i would love to tell my 8 year old self that it gets better and we won't be suicidal when we grow up

[heavenlydreamangelflyhigh]

im trying to live day by day and take baby steps and its working but i still get the itch to kill myself every 8 hrs or so. better than every 30 mins.

[thechaoticcherub]

Eight Ball Corner Pocket

Pairing: Jackson!Joel x Plus Size!Reader

Summary: Reader goes on a really bad date, Joel steps in to help make her forget it.

Warnings: 18+ Please, large age gap, mentions of reader being plus size/fat, otherwise reader is not really described, reader is self conscious, fatphobia(not by Joel at all), internalized fatphobia, Reader is just really trying to learn to love herself, negative self talk, drinking, random boy is a fuckin' meany, eight ball, reader is excellent at pool, semi traumatic past(barely mentioned), oral sex(female receiving), pet names(SO MANY), vaginal sex, rough sex, dom/sub dynamics, pussy pronouns

Notes: My bff edited this for me and I went over it a little but its not perfect. I also worked for SO long on this. I cried a little while writing it because it healed some shit in me. I hope it helps my other plus size/fat readers. Joel would think you are sexy af.

Word Count: 7.7 K

Going to the Tipsy Bison with this guy you had known for years was supposed to be a date. Your friends had made it feel like a big deal that he had finally asked you out. You wore a dress. Futzed with your hair until it was just right and actually got kind of excited. This guy, Daniel, was someone you had known since you were young and new to Jackson, essentially grown up with him and he wasn’t exactly your type, or all that interesting but everyone made it seem like it was bound to happen, like you were destined to date and he finally asked you. So you wore the dress. Did the whole thing with the hair and walked to the Tipsy Bison with him.

Things were fine, albeit a little boring while you had drinks and talked. You felt a little self conscious both of the fact that everyone around you seemed aware that it was a date and that he kept looking at your body. It didn’t even seem appreciative, it seemed like he was appraising you. The way your arm jiggled as you lifted your glass, how round your cheeks were when you smiled, the curve of your tummy he could notice through your dress. You felt like you were meat on display and the buyer wasn’t that interested. 

Things got slightly better when you asked if he wanted to play pool and so you two went to the open pool table and set up to play standard 8-ball. 

You broke and the balls went scattering, the solid 2 went into a pocket and then to your delight so did the 3. Daniel wasn’t so lucky. You kicked his ass the first game. It took almost no time and it was fun, you found yourself flirting a little more, making sure you leaned over just right as you were lining up a shot so he could catch a glimpse of your cleavage. Or so your ample ass stuck out in a way that you thought would be appealing. Daniel joked about being not so good at pool but you could tell he was getting frustrated by the time you got the 8 ball into one of the center pockets. 

 Halfway through the second game, you had some onlookers. Some of the older Jackson residents that spent a lot more time at the Tipsy Bison than you watched and cheered you on as you cleaned the floor with your date. 

It was when you leaned low over the table, lining up a tricky shot, trying to get your 5 ball into the far corner pocket by glancing it off of the edge of the table when you noticed Joel Miller was watching from his typical spot at the bar. 

Joel was notoriously grouchy, typically drinking at the bar with his brother Tommy, and incredibly attractive. Everyone knew he rarely spent any of his freetime with women, and the lucky few he had taken back to his place were always cryptic about it when asked. He was also a good chunk older than you, at least old enough to be your father, and none of the women he had been seen with were more than 10 years his junior. But here he was, sitting next to Tommy, looking right at you. Tommy was watching too, but there was something about Joel that made you almost miss your shot. Almost. The 5 ball skittered for a moment but then bounced off the side right by the pocket and dropped in. You grinned and hopped to a standing position, your hair and breasts both  bouncing, your breasts bouncing in the dress you were wearing and giggled.

“Damn!” Tommy commented with a laugh, looking over at Joel, catching him staring at you and punching his flannel clad arm, “She’s good.” There was a smattering of some of the others making similar comments but Joel remained quiet. 

You proudly turned to Daniel who let out a long, low whistle,

“Shit,” He said. “If you were more my type I’d be taking you home with me,” Daniel laughed, looking at you standing proudly holding your pool cue. Your heart sank, dropping into your stomach. It was such an odd thing to say on a date that you were momentarily taken aback. 

“What do you mean,  ‘if I was more your type’?”  You questioned, putting a hand on your hip. Daniel looked a little sheepish but then he shrugged and half-heartedly gestured to your body,

“I mean…just…” Daniel shrugged again and something inside you shriveled. All the confidence you had gained from kicking his ass at pool, the way you had looked at yourself in the mirror pleased with how the dress sat against your round belly and accentuated your chubby thighs vanished in an instant and you were suddenly a teenager being picked on for having bigger boobs than the rest of the girls your age. It wasn’t even like you had wanted to go home with Daniel, he was scrawny and more importantly, boring but the way he had so blatantly said it, hurt a small part of you that you thought you had hidden away. 

“Ah,” You said, turning away from him. Worse than the fact that he was saying this was that you were sure that there were other people that could hear. Worse than that even was you were so taken aback that you couldn’t come up with a reply, you didn’t tell him to fuck off or get lost. 

“I mean, besides your body you’re really pretty!” Daniel said and if you had had it in you, you would have punched him in the fucking face but it was taking everything in you to not start crying. You looked at the pool table in front of you and realized you were about to beat him. You only had the eight ball left and you were pretty well set up to knock it into the corner pocket. 

“Yeah.” You said. “Good to know. Eight ball, corner pocket.” You pointed to the corner pocket you meant, the pocket that was opposite of the bar. You walked over to the side of the table closest to the bar and leaned over. You set up your pool cue, anger and embarrassment should have clouded your perception, should have made it more difficult but you needed to prove something to him, you wanted to humiliate him the best way you could. So when you took the shot there was a loud, satisfying crack of cue ball smacking into 8 ball and then the even more satisfying thwunk of the 8 ball falling into the pocket. 

You dropped your pool cue onto the table with a clatter  and turned your back to Daniel, wanting to just go to the bar and forget him. 

“Rematch?” Daniel asked, sounding oblivious to your hurt and irritation. You were about to whip around and tell him off when a low, husky voice spoke up from the bar. 

“I think you’ve been embarrassed enough, son.” Joel had stood up from his bar stool and gone over to Daniel. “I wanna play the winner,” Joel insisted as he sidled up to Daniel. Daniel looked almost like he wanted to argue but Joel put his hand on the pool cue he was still clutching and gave it a tug. You looked from Daniel to Joel and then refused to let your eyes move back to the boy you had let speak to you so horribly. You didn’t want to give him another ounce of attention, especially when Joel Miller wanted to play you in pool.

“W-well we’re kinda out together-” Daniel stuttered. Joel eased the pool cue all the way out of his grip and turned to the table, not sparing him another glance,

“Nah, you’re not.” Joel said, reaching into one of the pockets to take out some of the balls. “Wanna play someone who’ll actually give ya a run for your money, sweetheart?” Joel asked you as you watched him move. You pursed your lips, trying to conceal a little smile at the pet name. You tilted your head to the side as if you were considering it, you knew you’d rather get beat at pool by Joel Miller than kick Daniel’s ass any day. Plus, you were on a roll, maybe you could beat him and while Joel was gruff and attractive, and quiet, and really attractive and stern and holy fucking shit hot. He was also safe. Safely unavailable. Older than you. 

“Sure,” You said finally with a shrug, reaching out and picking up your pool cue again.

“Atta girl,” He said, nodding and grabbing the triangle to start putting balls in. You passed him the  balls and he got it set up properly while you watched and paid exactly zero attention to Daniel who might have been slinking away from the pool table anyway. 

“You wanna break?” Joel huffed looking up from where he had set up the triangle. 

“I’ll break if you really think you can beat me,” You teased, trying to fake that confidence you had felt earlier. Joel breathed out a little laugh, 

“Go ahead and break, darlin and I’ll try to go easy on you.” And then Joel Miller winked at you, your heart skipped, and you felt the need to beat him drive deeper. You lined up your shot and broke with a sharp snap of balls, they skittered all over the table, the 10 ball dropped into a pocket.

“Guess I’m stripes,” You said, taking your next shot and missing the 9 ball by a centimeter. Joel walked over, putting his hand on your waist as he squeezed past you to get to the cue ball. Your cheeks burned and you tugged at the skirt of your dress. 

“Maybe it means your luck is out,” Joel leaned over and you tried not to admire the way his jeans tightened over his ass. 

“Maybe…but I doubt it,” You said, flouncing around the table to take your next turn as he missed his shot and swore under his breath.  

It turned out, Joel was excellent at pool, it was sheer luck that made you able to take a few turns, sinking some balls in the pockets, hoping you at least had a chance at the eight ball. 

“I could give you a few pointers, darlin.” Joel said as he sunk his last ball into a side pocket and looked around the table for the eight ball. “If you’re worried about the quality of your game,” He teased, his eyes were alight and there was a smile playing on his lips. You could tell he was competitive, and beating you was stroking his ego.  You didn’t mind though, the entire time you had played he had called you pet names and you had playfully trash talked each other. Joel had gotten you a beer and only teased you a little bit when you almost knocked the glass off the edge of the pool table with your pool cue. Now, you were desperately hoping he’d miss this shot so you could sink a couple more balls and then take your own shot at the 8 ball. “8 ball corner pocket,” he pointed to the pocket he meant and glanced at you, smirking. 

“Nahh, cause I think you’re about to scratch on the 8 ball.” You told him, holding your pool cue propped up on the ground between your knees. 

“You wish, puddin’…you…” he lined up his shot, leaning over, “wish,” he finished as he shot. The 8 ball, followed immediately by the cue ball, sank into the pocket with a thwuthwunk. You burst out laughing and raised your fists in triumph. 

“You lose, old man!” You squealed excitedly. Joel was staring at the pocket that had lost him the game, shocked that what you had predicted actually happened. “I win!” You did a little dance, jiggling your hips. Joel’s eyes twinkled as he watched you but he was forcing a frown, making himself look disappointed. 

“You win by default not ‘cause you actually beat me, sugar.” He pointed his pool cue at you and you giggled.

“A win is a win!” You said. Your round cheeks were glowing with warmth and you couldn’t believe your luck, both in the game and in the fact that Joel Miller had single handedly saved your evening. Joel was downing the end of his beer and you glanced around the bar for any sign of Daniel, he was gone and you weren’t disappointed but you were a little irritated. “Looks like I drove my date off,” 

Joel cast his eyes around the bar too and then shrugged. “You’re better off,” He said, setting his beer glass down on the bar. “C’mon, let me walk ya home.” He grabbed his coat from where he had thrown it over the end of the bar and pulled it on. 

“Oh…don’t worry about it, Joel, I’m fine.” You said, looking towards the door, you didn’t want to put him out, he had already been so nice to you. You licked your lower lip and then sucked it into your mouth, “Thanks for playing me though, you kind of rescued me.” You told him. Joel chuckled, “Uh-uh, Puddin’. I ain’t lettin you walk home alone,” he said. He gestured towards the door and you led the way out into the cool evening air. You were just in your dress and cardigan and you shivered as soon as the wind blew across your chest and ruffled the hem of your dress. 

“You ain’t got a jacket?” Joel asked, looking down at you. You shrugged, 

“It was warmer earlier,” You mumbled. Before you could stop him Joel shrugged out of his jacket and put it over your shoulders. “Joel-I can’t take your coat-”

“Quit arguein’ with me,” His voice was gruff and commanding, “I ain’t going to put up with it much longer,” He was teasing you but you knew better than to try to fend off his kindness. You walked across mainstreet and tried not to feel self conscious about the way his jacket wasn’t as big on you as it might have been on another girl. Ever since Daniel’s comments you hadn’t been able to shake the stupid self conscious internal monologue. 

“How’d you learn how to play pool?” Joel asked as you walked.

“My dad spent a lot of time in the Tipsy Bison when I was younger and being there was the best way to spend time with him so…I kinda taught myself pool to keep myself entertained,” You explained. Joel knew your dad had been a drunk. In Jackson, everyone knew everything about everyone else and you didn’t want to get into it anymore than that. In the quiet that followed, Joel’s arm snaked around your waist, his hand pressing into his own jacket against your side. You felt yourself tense up, wondering why he was doing this. Why would he want to hold you close like this? 

Your heart had momentarily fluttered when he touched you but then it sunk again. He must have seen you staring at him and then heard the way Daniel spoke to you, and being such a good guy,  he wanted to boost your confidence by offering a little physical touch. You took a step away from him and looked up at him, 

“You don’t have to do this,” You said. You stopped walking, pushing his hand back as his grip tried to follow you. Joel looked at you, confused, his brow furrowed.

“Do what?” he asked. 

“Walk me home to try and make me feel better about my date ditching, give me your coat, touch me just to make me feel like I’m not…not disgusting or something,” You said, shifting your weight from foot to foot uncomfortably. Joel’s face twisted a little and you waited for him to agree to stop, to leave you standing in the middle of the street but he didn’t move away. In fact he reached out and put a steady hand on your waist again, but this time between his jacket and your dress. 

“Beg your pardon, sweetheart, but, what the fuck?” He laughed out the words and you felt anger spike through you. You shoved his large hand back, away from you. 

“Don’t act like you didn’t hear what Daniel said to me back there! Don’t pretend that you’re touching me because you actually want to. I get it that you feel bad for me that no…no boy would want me.” Your lower lip trembled and you bit it fiercely, not wanting him to notice you were near tears. Joel’s eyes were blazing and his jaw was clenched, he was angry and you were sure it was because you had called him on his bullshit. 

“That nasty little boy who you had the misfortune of goin’ on a date with ain’t got nothin’ to do with me wantin’ to touch you,” Joel growled.  You turned to face him now. It was your turn to look confused. Something stuck in your throat and you couldn’t reply to him even though you found yourself wanting to argue with him. “If he didn’t wanna take ya home, it’s ‘cause he’s a stupid little boy who aint got any idea what to do.” Your eyes searched his face, looking for a sign of dishonesty.

“But-” You managed to blurt out, your voice trembling as much as your lip was. 

“The whole reason I haven’t dragged you back to my place already is because I’m too old and worn out for someone so pretty and full of life.” He looked almost sad as he said it, large hands  splayed as he explained. You couldn’t believe it. Joel had to know how wanted he was by an almost endless amount of women in Jackson. What kind of sick joke was this? Was he trying to make you throw yourself at him just so he could reject you? You tried to find the lie in the creases on his face but he was steady and everything about him screamed honesty but none of that lined up with your own idea of yourself. 

“But you’re so hot, Joel.” You breathed, “Why would you want me?” You asked, still trying to discover the lie, or uncover his joke. Joel’s eyes darkened again as he looked at you like you were completely insane, “Quit it,” He said, “Don’t you think for a single second that you’re the one reachin’ here, i’m old enough to be your daddy and you’re…look at you.” You could see barely controlled lust in his eyes as they roamed over your body and the way he did it didn’t make you feel like he was appraising you to see if you were worth it. He was appreciating you. Appreciating the way your breasts stretched the fabric of your dress and the way you could see the curve of your belly, the way your thighs pressed together. You stared at him, trying to take in the truth of his statement, trying to remember how pretty you had found yourself that morning before you had been reminded of all the insecurities of your teenage years. 

“Aw, fuck it,” Joel breathed. His big hands found your waist on one side and your neck on the other, dragging you into him. He had to lean over a little to press his lips into yours but he did it in one swift motion, holding you to him. The hand at your waist was tucked into his jacket again, squeezing the flesh of your side. His lips were a little chilled from the night air and they tasted so good, like beer and a heady, warm taste. His skin and beard were rough against your lips and cheeks as he kissed you. You started to forget your worry as he held you into him. 

“Been wantin’ to do that ever since I watched you kick that idiot’s ass at pool,” Joel mumbled as he broke away from you. Your eyes were glassy as you looked up at him, he was so close you could see all the crinkles around his eyes. 

“Do it again then,” You challenged, looking up at him from under your eyelashes. Joel didn’t need telling twice, he caught your bottom lip between his and sucked it into his mouth, nibbling as the hand at your neck moved up to cup your face. 

“You shouldn’t come home with me, I’m too old for you, puddin’”  he breathed into your mouth, laying another lingering kiss against your lips and breaking away to speak into the skin of your cheek, “But I want you to,” he said. There wasn’t an ounce of you that doubted him now, and his hand on your waist was greedily running over the dips and rolls you usually hated. His other hand had dropped to your hip, holding you steady.

“I want to,” You said to him through a smile. 

“You shouldn’t,” he responded, “You should be a good girl and go home,”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” You giggled, leaning your body into him, he supported your weight with his broad chest and as you spoke his hand at your waist caught your flesh tight in his grip while the hand at your hip dipped lower, grabbing the seat of your ass and pulling you flush against him. 

“You’re goin’ to regret that, puddin’,” Joel muttered, looking down into your eyes. You smiled at him and watched as the way he looked down at you turned from sweet and  almost loving,  into something like a predator stalking prey. In a swift motion he pulled back from you and bent slightly, lifting you at the waist and hauling you over his shoulder. 

“Joel! You cant-you’re going to hurt yourself,” You nearly shrieked, mortified at how hard it must have been to lift you. Joel let out a grunt and then a snort of laughter, 

“Yeah right, darlin.” He said, he didn’t even sound strained and you felt yourself melt a little. That was until he reached up and smacked your ass, hard. “You wanna come home with me? Lets get you home then,” he turned and started the other direction up the street. You dangled over his shoulder, his jacket practically hanging off of your arms and his arm wrapped around your thighs was the only thing that kept your dress from falling above your head. 

Joel walked all the way to his house with you over his shoulder, and even managed to get the front door open and you over the threshold before he bent to set you onto your feet. You had barely recovered from hanging over his back when his hands were on you again, pressing you back against the wall of his entryway. He kissed your lips but only briefly before he started to work his lips down your cheek, your chin, your jaw. You could feel the strength of his hands as he tightened them against your hips, keeping you pressed into the wall. His lips and stubble pressed into you. kissing prickly heat into your neck. The heat from his lips burned down your throat and into your stomach, melting you. Joel’s fingers found the sleeves of your dress and started to take them down. 

“God, I gotta see all of your pretty body, darlin’” he said into your neck. With a tug the dress pulled down. You had worn your favorite bra, a simple unlined cream colored one. There wasn’t much for sexy lingerie in Jackson but this one was relatively new, clean and had scalloped edges. Joel’s pulled back to let his eyes wander down your chest, “As pretty as this is,” he started, his finger tracing the edge of your bra along the curve of your ample breast. “Its comin’ off,” he finished before reaching around and unhooking it with deft, skilled fingers. He tugged it off of your arms and exposed your jiggling, heavy breasts. 

“Fuck, puddin’, look at these.” Joel’s cupped your tits, palms pressing into your hardening nipples. His fingers dug in, dimpling the soft skin of your breasts. You sighed at the feeling of him touching you, his pointer fingers slipped down and stroked around your nipples. The skin puckered even more and you pressed your chest forward, letting out a shy sigh. “That’s a good girl,” he breathed. He replaced his finger on one of your nipples with his mouth, kissing your areola and letting his tongue flutter around the pebbled tip of your nipple. His hands dropped to the hem of your dress and he started to ruck it up your body. You let out a little whine, putting your hand over his to make him pause,

“You…you don’t have to take that off,” You mumbled, as if giving him permission to keep you partially covered. You didn’t think he’d want to see your whole body. You felt like it might ruin his excitement if he saw your round belly and the way it moved and wiggled as you adjusted or breathed heavily. 

Joel stared at you like you were completely insane, “Oh babygirl, it’s comin’ off unless you tell me otherwise in three…” He tugged it up farther, the dress sliding up past your thighs to where your sex was covered by your simple underwear. “Two…” He continued to gather it in his fists, revealing the curve of your belly. You couldn’t find words to stop him. You  were shy about your naked body but Joel made you feel like he wanted to see you so you let him. “One,” The hem of the dress met the spot where he had tugged the bodice down to reveal your breasts and Joel gathered the whole thing in one loop of fabric around your body and tugged it up and off of your heads o you were bare except for your underwear in front of him. You immediately crossed your arms in front of your belly, instinctively wanting to hide it from him, even though you had let him strip you while you were standing in his entryway. 

Joel leaned in towards your, his lips hovering above yours as he looked down at you; one of his hands trailed down your arm and collected first your right wrist and then your left one in his big hand. In a fluid motion you weren’t expecting he lifted your wrists above your head and pressed them into the wall. 

“Don’t do that to me, puddin’, don’t hide yourself from me.” He breathed, you felt the warmth of his breath wash over your lips and you craved his mouth on yours again. You were leaning into him, trying to get to his lips but he didn’t indulge you; he pulled back enough so that he could look down your body, his hand still holding both your wrists above your head. You swallowed as his gaze lit on every inch of your body that you were most ashamed of, but instead of making you feel judged or uncomfortable, it only drove your lust deeper. The way Joel looked at you was with such appreciation, and a feral need. Joel growled as he looked you over, pressing your hands harder against the wall, keeping you there as he pressed his clothed body against your naked one. You wanted to get him undressed, you wanted to touch him and look at him the way he was looking at you but there was also something so vulgar and sexy about being naked while he stood in front of you completely clothed, appreciating your nudity. 

“Are you goin’ to be good and keep your hands away from your body? I don’t want ya coverin’ up again,” He said, the tip of his nose ran along the side of your nose, his lips just out of reach from yours. You nodded,

“Yes.” your voice was weak and strained with need. 

“That’s my good, pretty girl.” Joel’s lips twitched towards a smile while he spoke to you. Your body reacted to the words in a way that surprised you, you shivered, your nipples hardening even more, there was a rushing feeling in your lower tummy, slipping into your cunt. Joel removed his hand from your wrists, your hands dropped but you didn’t try to cover yourself again; instead you reached out and took his waist, pulling him close to you. Your brow furrowed in need as you looked up into his eyes. Joel stroked your cheek with the back of his fingers, “Can you keep being a good girl even if I get ya completely naked, puddin’?” He asked, his brown eyes focused on yours. You swallowed, trying to drown your own anxieties and fears because being naked for him sounded so good. You nodded. 

“I wanna hear you say you’ll be good for me,” He chastised, his eyes sparkling, teasing.. Waxy warmth continued to pool in your tummy and drip lower, making you feel like your pussy was melting into your underwear. 

“I can be good,” You let the words fall out before you could think twice about them.

“Atta girl,” and with that he eased down onto his knees, letting out a short groan as his knees creaked. You hadn’t been expecting him to be level with your pussy so quickly and you gasped as his fingers hooked into the sides of your panties and ripped them down without any level of ceremony. You resisted the urge to cover yourself, you felt so sure he would be disgusted by your pussy you didn’t want to give him the chance to see it but you reminded yourself that he really, actually thought you were beautiful. He had not been lying. He hadn’t been joking and if Joel Miller thought you were beautiful, it was clearly true. You kept your hands way from him as you felt his gaze move to your pussy,. 

“Lord help me, I’m fuckin’ lucky. She’s so fuckin’ pretty.” Joel’s words sounded like a prayer, half under his breath, half through a growl in his chest. You watched as his eyes examined you, his hands running up and down your trembling thighs, trying to sooth you. You felt tense until his eyes moved from your pussy in front of him, up into your eyes. You melted a little when you recognized the intense need behind his eyes. 

“Spread your legs, I need to see her more…fuck i need to taste her, darlin’” He informed you.  You felt your cunt clench at the words. No one had ever eaten you out before and the thought of it sent shivers down your spine. You worried internally that he would find it disgusting but he was on his knees in front of you, saying he wanted to so you took him at his word and stepped your feet apart more, looking down at him. His eyes fell again to your pussy, and his fingers crawled up your thighs until he was at the apex of your thighs.  His hand cupped your whole plush pussy in his hand, his thumb running up and down your slick slit. Joel let out a purr of approval as he felt your wetness. 

“There’s my girl,” He whispered, his voice sounded horse and you felt the wetness between your legs seep out against the ministrations of his thumb. “You’re drippin’, honey,” He told you, eyes flicking back up to your face. You let out a whine, embarrassed by how needy you were. You reached up and covered your face with your hand,

“Joel, it’s…it’s embarrassing,” You whined, your words sounded like they were stuck in your throat. 

“I know, sugar, but it’s so pretty. Aint nothin’ to be embarrassed about,” He pulled his hand away, as his thumb disconnected with your slit you watched in vague humiliation as a string of your wetness connected his thumb to your pussy lips. When it broke, Joel brought his thumb to his mouth and sucked the bit of your juices off of it. 

He let out a low moan in his chest, it bubbled up and seemed to overtake him. He grabbed one of your thighs and lifted it so you had to lean back against the wall to maintain your balance. Joel’s hand fixed under your knee and hooked your leg over his shoulder. You felt your pussy open more for him, your lips parting as Joel’s eyes roamed over you,

“There she is…” he breathed, the fingers of his other hand found your waiting pussy lips and stroked up and down. You squeaked out your pleasure as the pads of  his fingers grazed along your wetness and brushed your clit. Before you had recovered from that,Joel leaned forward and licked a stripe up your pussy. You gasped and tensed so much that you stood up on the tiptoes of your foot that was planted on the ground. 

“Oh my god! Joel!” You gasped and he tilted his head back to look up at you,

“Aint you ever had someone lick this pretty pussy?” He asked.  You mutely shook your head and his eyes softened and then he let out a chuckle, “Oh honey,” he said. “Let’s take her apart, yeah?” You nodded and his mouth moved back to your pussy, lapping at your wetness. 

One hand stayed on the underside of the leg wrapped around his shoulder, keeping you open for him and his other hand roamed up your thigh, to your belly. His tongue lavished first along each inner lip, teasing up towards your clit but never touching it, then down towards the source of your wetness. Your cunt clenched each time his tongue neared your entrance. The hand on your tummy pressed in, squeezing the flesh there, dimpling your skin and pressing you back. The acknowledgment of the chubbiness of your belly would have usually made you self conscious but the way his thumb rubbed along your skin and the way he squeezed it so possessively made your pussy gush even more. Your hand fell to the silver curls on his head and you grabbed them, not pulling him in, not pushing him back, just having something to anchor yourself there. 

You felt him hum and growl into your pussy, and it sent vibrations skittering through you. Joel’s tongue was an expert at pleasuring you, the second you felt like you needed more, he would lick up to your clit, still barely grazing it. The second you felt like you might be overwhelmed with pleasure, he would back off and plant slow, wet, languid kisses closer to your hole. Nothing had ever felt like this before. Nothing had given you this intense need. 

You fisted your fingers into his hair and it only spurred him on, his tongue moved back up to your clit and started to work over it in a tight pattern of circles, sweeping over it, working you up, up, up. 

“Come on, puddin’, you gonna come on my face?” he asked into the folds of your soaked pussy. You whined, holding his hair tighter. His fingers squeezed on your belly and your thick thigh, “I know you’re close, babygirl, I can feel it.” He said before putting all his attention on your clit again, this time sucking it into his mouth. You felt like you were about to black out when he added small nibbles to the mix. You saw black around your vision as Joel took you over the edge. Your orgasm overtook you very suddenly, dropping you off the cliff and making you throw your head back, smacking it against the wall. It didn’t matter though, nothing hurt, the pleasure coursing through you made you stand up on your toes again, pressing more of your weight onto Joel’s shoulder. But he held you steady, licking your clit through your orgasm. When he finally let you go, you dropped your leg from around his shoulder, you were about to apologize but it was like he could tell because he shut you up with a kiss, his mouth pressed into yours. You could taste yourself on him, heady and warm. 

“I need ya, babygirl,” He said into your mouth. “Gotta feel my girl wrapped around my cock,” He mumbled as his hands cupped your cheeks and held you up against him, his lips centimeters from yours. You nodded. 

“Yes, Joel, yes I need your cock,” You breathed into him and you felt his lips twitch into a smile. His hands moved to your arms and he grabbed them, turning you around towards the entryway to his living room. Your tummy jiggled a little at the sudden movement and your breasts swayed. You were now very aware of how naked you were and how fully clothed he was. Still holding your upper arms he leaned down behind you to whisper into your ear, 

“Be a good girl and help an old man out, go bend over the arm of the couch. Show off that ass,” He spanked your ass once to get you moving and, trembling, you went through the doorway into the living room. The couch arm was high enough that you could easily bend at the waist over it, using it to support yourself. You arched your back, hoping you were providing a sexy view of yourself but you worried so much about the way your hips widened and how if your ass looked too big sticking out like that. 

You heard Joel behind you, the jingled of a belt buckle and then the slide of a zipper. He moved behind you and you could feel the heat of him against you, rough denim against your soft skin. 

“I feel like I’ve died and gone to heaven, baby, look at you!” Joel huffed out as his hands slid over your ample hips and cupped the thickness of your ass. You felt him pull at your asscheek so it spread slightly, showing off your pussy to him. “You’re so soft and pretty for me,” His hand traveled up your back and then back down to your ass, “And that delicious pussy peaking out for me, sayin’ hello.” His fingers slipped lower and stroked over your still soaking lips, pressing at your entrance, teasing it. You let out a moan. 

“You…you really think I look pretty like this?” You asked nervously, you couldn’t help it, you were trying to force yourself to believe it.  You looked back over your shoulder nervously, still trying to search for the joke. 

Joel moved his hand from your pussy and grabbed a fistful of your hair, pulling you back so your head was pulled back and he leaned over your body to speak into your ears

“Yes.” He said. “Do you not believe it? Do you need me to show you how fuckin’ sexy I think you are?” he asked. Joel rutted his hips up against yours, you could feel his hardness against you, the bulge against his boxers, pressing into you. You gasped and nodded. “Alrigh’ darlin’ i’ll show ya,” He let go of your hair with a little push and you instinctively arched your back, showing yourself off to him. Joel’s hands moved to his boxers, tugging his big cock out. It slapped against your ass cheek and you gasped again. 

“You feel him, puddin’?” he asked, his hand wrapping around himself and rubbing it along your slit. “Think you can take all of him in that tight little thing?” He asked, he notched the bulbous head of his cock at the entrance of your cunt and you already felt him stretching you a little. Suddenly you weren’t so sure you could but you wanted it, badly. You nodded vigorously and he started to press his cock head into your twitching pussy. You let out a moan and his hands gripped your hips, pulling you back into him. “There’s a good girl, that feel good?” He asked. You couldn’t speak, you felt like you were drunk, he was splitting you open for him, carving out a space for himself in your cunt. You nodded again and his hand came down sharply on your asscheek, “Words, puddin’, lemme hear you ask for more  o’him in that…Jesus Christ…tight pussy.” He moaned out through gritted teeth. 

“Oh…god, please put more in me, Joel! Fill me up.” You could barely get the words out because you were seeing stars. Joel pressed himself in deeper and deeper until he bottomed out inside of you. You could feel his eyes glued to the place where your bodies connected, watching the way you wrapped so tightly around his cock. 

“You’ve got a bit of a filthy mouth,” He laughed.  “I wanna hear more of that,” The laugh turned to a growl as he dragged his hips back, the walls of your pussy contracting, trying desperately to keep Joel’s big dick inside of you. Joel rocked himself back into you, the tip of his cock kissing your cervix, hitting a spot inside of you that tingled all throughout your body. 

“Fuck!” you moaned, “Joel! Don’t…don’t stop fucking me, please, please, I need your cock in me.” You moaned. Joel gave you exactly what you needed, pumping his cock in and out of you over and over, filling you up, stretching you for him. You could feel another orgasm building and it shocked you, another orgasm so soon and one caused just by his cock inside of you was unheard of for you. Your breathing was ragged as you pressed yourself back into him and he clamped his hands on your hips, guiding you back. 

“You want to come again, dont you?” Joel asked. 

“Yes! Yes! Please!” You moaned. 

“Yeah, I can feel you clenching on me.” His voice was stained, working towards his own release. “First you come on my face and now you wanna come on my dick?” he asked. You nodded again, your heart was hammering and all you wanted was to feel his release inside of you while you came all over his cock but you doubted Joel would be willing to come inside of you, it was too risky. Joel groaned again, his hips thrusting more sloppily into you, you could tell he was close to his own orgasm, he was chasing it desperately. You were so close, your legs were shaking, but then Joel had pulled out of you, his hand pumped over his cock twice and you felt ropes of his hot spend fall against your back and down your ass cheeks. Your pussy clenched on nothing, desperate for more. “Oh good girl, good fuckin’ girl,” He moaned, watching his own come spread across your back and ass. 

Joel didn’t forget that you had been practically begging for it, even as he came down from his own release he wrapped his arm around you, reaching between your legs and finding your clit, starting to stroke it with deftness that bordered on expertise.

“I wanna watch you come, puddin’,” His voice seemed to float to youfrom far away. You let out a weak moan and arched your back, his fingers worked tight circles around your clit while the fingers of his other hand replaced his cock in your pussy, two thick fingers working you open. 

“You gotta tell me when you’re going to come,” He breathed. Joel watched as his fingers fucked into you and you pressed yourself back. You could feel his come slipping down between your asscheeks and you longed for it inside of you. The fingers at your clit brushed over it again and again, sending you into a dizzying frenzy, incoherent moaning and babbling slipped from your lips. This orgasm came over you in a a steady sort of pulse that worked from you clit as he toyed with it into your cunt as he curled his fingers up, stroking the walls of your pussy.

“I’m…I’m coming!” you gasped out and Joel tugged his fingers out of your pussy. You gasped at the loss but his fingers on your clit still teased you through it, “Fuck, Joel!” You moaned, clenching on nothing, feeling his eyes on your pussy, eating up the look of your empty cunt begging for more. 

“Oh christ, darlin’ your pulsing for it.” He breathed and his words spurred your orgasm further, making you gasp and collapse forward against the couch. Joel’s hand slowly eased away from you and rubbed up your spine, catching his breath. You were wrecked and you could feel his come still trickling down your back, your orgasm had been so good but you found yourself still desperate to be full of his cock again already. Probably because he hadn’t even finger fucked you through your orgasm. There was the quiet sound of movement behind you and then footsteps. You didn’t want to get up because of the mess all down your back but before you had time to do anything, Joel came back and used a towel to wipe down your back and your ass. Joel reached down and helped you stand up, his arms wrapped around your waist and pulled your ample body against his, smushing you against him.

“Let’s get you to the bed before you start begging for my cock again,” He smirked and you giggled and hid your face in his shoulder,

“I can’t believe you actually-“

“Nuh-uh…none of that. Get your sweet ass to bed,” He said into your ear, his hands gliding over your curvy hips and down to your ass. “I stared at your ass the whole time you played eight ball with that idiot,” He said. “And I finally got to feel it.” You pulled back to look up at him, eyes shining. He squeezed your plump ass, “I do think you owe me a rematch in pool though,” Joel said with a smirk. 

“Okay but only if you also let me come on your cock next time,” You said even though your face heated up and you had to look away in embarrassment. Joel took your chin and forced you to look back at him,

“If you beat me, you can come on my cock. If you don’t…well, we’ll see.” His eyes sparkled and your  heart squeezed.

“Deal.”

[theambitiouswoman]

I have been celibate for 3+ years & I wanted to share how this has helped shaped who I am.

Disclaimer: This is not me telling you what to do with your life and your bodies. It comes with zero judgement. I am of the belief that there is a season for everything, and we evolve into many different people in our life. I would be remiss if I didn't say that I definitely think it's a good idea to practice it. I do believe that psychologically, spiritually & emotionally having casual sex has a lot of negative implications for both men and women. However your beliefs around intimacy are purely up to you. Sex isn't bad, that's not what I am saying, but when you are having sex with someone you are absorbing their energy, and the energy of their past lovers too, so having sex with the wrong person can really ruin you.

Honestly the idea of anyone touching me if they do not meet my needs emotionally, mentally, physically etc absolutely disgusts me. I have never been of the type of let anyone "have me" but even more so now. Remember that when you start treating yourself differently, your perspectives and the things you are attracted to also start to change.

Maybe some girls don't understand this so I am going to say it. You do not have to sleep with a man for him to like you, love you, treat you well, or buy you things. If you haven't experienced this, you may not agree. But this is my reality and the reality of so many others, so yes it is actually totally possible.

I will say that the first year can be difficult but after that it gets much easier cause your mindset changes. I recommend taking that first year to really dive in and analyze your relationships, work on your wounds etc. Feeling lonely is something I see come up a lot, and while human beings are not designed to be alone, you should not feel lonely and that is probably a good starting point to work on with yourself if that is the case.

Anyway, these are some of the changes I have experienced:

1. Greater mental clarity and can focus more on personal goals, career & self development.

2. Reduced emotional turbulence. Creating better emotional balance and inner peace.

3. Realizing self love and self worth come from you, rather than seeking external validation. It reduces stress, increases self awareness & provides identity outside of others.

4. Higher standards, better boundaries. Intimacy is a choice, not a necessity. Being unable to control your lust is a weakness. Understand that falling in love purely through sex is lust, wounds and attachment / abandonment issues, need for validation, insecurity etc.

5. Insane increase to intuition.

6. Gives you control over your body and life. It allows you to be more selective about who you let into their personal space.

7. Increased creativity & passion to channel into art, projects, or other personal endeavors.

8. For those recovering from past trauma or heartbreak, celibacy can be a time for healing and self reflection. It offers the space to process emotions, heal old wounds and rediscover yourself.

9. No energetic enmeshments with toxic souls, which btw you are absorbing all of it. Grosses me out any time I think about it.

10. Even prettier than before (but i'm sure not entertaining toxic men and drama contributes to that as well)

11. People are even more drawn to be because of my strong sexual energy & pure aura.

[samuraionyourmom]

Now that the first chapter of the Stormbringer manga has released, I'd like to take a moment to analyze a previous headcanon with the new context the new manga has given us and perhaps put it into a different perspective than just Dazai being a stinky bastard man.

So, you all know about the headcanon of Dazai sneaking into Chuuya's apartment and using/wasting all of his fancy hair products. You know it, you love it. But let's take a closer look at it, specifically regarding the context this page gives us:

In this panel alone, it becomes very clear to us that Chuuya truly has no sense of self. If you thought Dazai's shipping container was bad, this ain't exactly any better. This isn't a home. It's barely a living space. It's a place of residence at best. It has a bed, a small desk, and a vault with a shower and rows and rows of pristine black suits. There's absolutely nothing in this place that would tell you that a 16 year-old boy lives here.

Because Chuuya has no idea what a 16 year-old boy does. He doesn't know who he's supposed to be or what he's supposed to like or how to decorate his space with his own personality. Because he doesn't know what that personality is.

This is the overarching theme of Stormbringer in which Chuuya is trying to figure out who he exactly is, whether that's a human or a clone or whatever. If you haven't read it already, I highly recommend it if you like Chuuya even a little bit, especially now that the manga is releasing.

Now, back to the headcanon. Say Chuuya does have some fancy hair products in that little vault shower of his. I mean, it is perfectly reasonable to assume he would be expected to look presentable while he manages the jewel trading business, the part of the Port Mafia he had been put in charge of. He wouldn't want to embarrass the Port Mafia, after all. I wouldn't put it past him to have such products in his possession because he feels he's expected to look good for the sake of the mafia's reputation.

But that's the thing. It's all about expectations. Chuuya, as a person, doesn't really care about his appearance because he hasn't had a chance to be himself yet. He was found by the Sheep at around 8 years old when he didn't even know what bread was. Ever since then, he was expected to be their leader and guard dog. But when he joined the Port Mafia, he had a new set of expectations, ones he's still adjusting to.

Chuuya, up to this point, hasn't a chance to be himself. He doesn't know what kind of fashion he likes or how he likes to style his hair. People keep pushing their expectations onto him, and he feels like the only option he has is to try his best to comply with them in order to not be alone. Check out his character song, "Darkness My Sorrow," for this reason.

So, Chuuya may have some fancy hair products that he keeps not because he personally enjoys hair care, but in an attempt to try to meet the expectations set up for him by being in the Port Mafia.

And then Dazai sneaks into this sad excuse of a living situation (not that he can talk) and wastes them. And Chuuya is pissed. He assumes that it's just Dazai trying to set him up for failure or trying to get him to embarrass himself in some way.

But here's the thing. The hair products' existence in his space is solely because of the expectations put upon him. They're not a part of Chuuya as a person. But his anger towards Dazai is. The emotions Chuuya feels are something that is a part of him innately. Something he can look towards as evidence of his personhood, as silly as it is.

This infuriating little habit that Dazai has is a way to prove Chuuya's humanity. To show that he doesn't need to be so concerned with the expectations of others and that he can focus on himself, whoever that may be. He can focus on being the Chuuya that Dazai hates so much instead of yielding to the will of others.

This is similar to the way Dazai manipulates the situation to get the Sheep turn on Chuuya. It's his way of showing that these people never considered Chuuya their family, and they eventually would have turned on him if push came to shove. It's weird and manipulative and convoluted, but that's Dazai for you. He is incapable of showing care in a normal way, apparently.

So, I view this headcanon in a new light. Dazai is always certain of Chuuya's humanity and personhood, even when Chuuya himself is not. He shows that in incredibly frustrating and confusing ways, like stealing and wasting the soap that is a representation of the expectations that are crushing Chuuya and his sense of self under its weight. Chuuya's anger, his threats of violence against Dazai for his petty heist, those are all Chuuya. They are his own thoughts and feelings, and no one can take that from him.

In conclusion, Chuuya needs to learn that he can be who he wants and be given the time to figure out who he is, and Dazai needs to learn how to flirt like a normal person instead of doing... whatever he's attempting to do right now.

[rizzanon]

childhood friend! Shinichiro Sano

part 1 (here) | part 2

childhood friend! Shinichiro whom you meet for the first time when you were both 8 years old at the playground, wondering why he was standing ontop of the jungle gym, looking at the distance

"Why are you standing up there?"

" 'cuz the view is nice!"

"....Weirdo.."

"H-Hey!"

childhood friend! Shinichiro whom you meet again a few weeks later at his grandfather's dojo where your parents signed you up for some taekwondo classes for self defense

"What are you doing here, weirdo?"

"Hey! I'm no weirdo! And this is my grandfather's place okay? I'm allowed to be here anytime I want!"

"Woahh, your grandfather's the teacher? That's cool!"

"I know right?!"

childhood friend! Shinichiro whom you become friends with over the next few days, watching him miserably fail to show off execute the moves his grandfather taught him to you

"HAHAHAH! You suck at this, y'know."

"Shut up! You don't have to tell me something I already know."

"At this rate, I can beat you easily in a spar..!"

"In your dreams!"

childhood friend! Shinichiro who introduces you to his only other friend, Takeomi, and the two of you hit it off very well (much to Shinichiro's dismay)

"I didn't think Shin had other friends."

T- "Neither did I, I thought he made you up."

"H-Hey! What's with this mockery!!?"

childhood friend! Shinichiro who ends up going to the same middle school and high school as you much to his delight

"You better stop slacking and start putting in effort in your studies Shin!"

"What are you, my mother?"

-smacks his head-

"Ouch! Okay, okay! I get it!"

childhood friend! Shinichiro who hates the fact that his siblings (Manjiro and Emma) love you as much as he does

"Seriously?? I can't believe you all are ganging up on me like this...!—Fake sobs—My very own siblings..."

"It's your fault that I'm just better, heheh."

E- "Yeah! She's way kinder to us that you are, Shin!"

"What?? But I'm always nice to you both too!"

M- "Plus, she always buys us our favourite snacks too!!"

"Bribery at it's finest... I can't believe this.."

childhood friend! Shinichiro who always goes to you to get treated whenever he's injured after fighting with other people

"Let me guess, you got into another fight again?"

"Ding ding ding! You guessed correct! Too bad there's no prize."

"Ha. Ha. Very funny Shin. Why don't you go and see an actual doctor to get your injuries treated?"

"Why would I do that when I have you who'll fix me up every time?"

childhood friend! Shinichiro who always goes to your class during lunch break to find you whenever he forgets to bring his own bento (was it on purpose? you don't know), knowing that you always make extra for him just in case

"Well, well, well, look who decides to forget to bring his bento for the third time this week?"

"Heheh, about that..."

"Don't worry, I made extra food for you."

"Aww, so you do care about me."

"Don't push it, Shin."

childhood friend! Shinichiro who worries that his rising reputation as a delinquent might bring down your reputation as well

"Are you sure you still want to be friends with me? I get it if you don't want to-"

"I already told you, I don't care what people think about me. What matters is what you think of me. That's all."

"...."

"Besides, who else will treat your wounds other than me, hm?"

childhood friend! Shinichiro who begs asks you to ride with him on his bike, promising you that he would keep you safe

"You want me to what??!"

"Come on...! Ride with me just this once! I promise you won't fall off."

"If I die, the blame's on you."

"Wha- You won't die! And I'll make sure nothing happens to you."

childhood friend! Shinichiro who introduces you to his other two friends in Black Dragons, Wakasa and Benkei, hoping you'd feel more reassured about him leading a gang and being a delinquent after meeting his closest friends

B- "Woah, didn't know you had a girl, Shin. Who's she?"

"What?"

W- "Let's be real, Shin can't flirt for his life."

"Hey! That's rude! I so have game."

"Game of a rock, you mean."

"Oi!"

childhood friend! Shinichiro who finds solace in you after every time he gets rejected by a girl he asks out much to your dismay (this was the 20th time)

"I don't get it. What am I doing wrong??!"

"It's simple. You're the problem."

"Rude... but seriously, why won't any girl date me? I'm certainly not that bad of a boyfriend if they gave me a chance...!"

"Well firstly, do you even have any interest in any of those girls you asked out? How do you even move on so easily?!?"

"If you put it like that... no, not really. I just want to date someone for the highschool experience y'know..!"

-smacks his head-

"Ouch!"

"No wonder no girl ever takes your confession seriously. Plus, your hair is so gelled up, no girl's gonna like that... Once a weirdo, always a weirdo."

childhood friend! Shinichiro who listens to your advice, and stops using gel as often as he used to on his hair, sometimes leaving his hair down to find out what you'd say about it

"You didn't put gel on your hair today?"

"Nope, I was kind of in a rush today, haha.."

"Well... you look... better like this, if I'm being honest."

"R-Really??"

"Yeah, keep this up and someday, a girl might accept your confession."

childhood friend! Shinichiro who tells you about the rumors he's been hearing around the school, about how many of the students thought you and him were dating and how he wasn't so opposed to the idea of that

"Wait, seriously?? People think we're dating?!?"

"My reaction exactly. I can't believe they think we're dating!"

"Not that I would mind that though..."

"Hm? What did you say?"

"??! You're hearing things, Shin. I didn't say anything at all..."

Part 2

m.list

[gothamite-rambler]

Bruce meeting his son Damian pt. 2

Context: After Bruce Wayne has regained his bearings and been dragged to a lounge room at Ra's castle and has been retold that he has a son with Talia, Jason knew and now his in-law is Ra's Al Ghul. (links to the first two parts below).

Bruce, still in his bat suit, rested on the ground in Talia's study trying to remain his usual calm and composed self, but can only repeat a mantra.

Talia: Bruce, my former love, are you feeling better?

Bruce (monotone and stunned): I have a child with Talia. I have a child with Talia. I have a... child with Talia. I have a child with Talia. I have a child with Talia...

Talia: You are being such a drama king, can you not be happy that that our night of passion produced a child.

Bruce (whimpering): Oh God I'm linked to you through a child!

Bruce buried his face on the floor groaning loudly.

Talia (angry): My father was right, you would hate Damian! If you're going to be like this then you won't be around him!

Bruce (clarifying): I do not hate Damian. I hate you. There's a difference. And you are not depriving me of any further time with him!

Talia shook with rage, but chose to not stab him, taking a long sip from her tea to calm herself.

Bruce: I didn't even get the name of Thomas Jr.! Although Damian isn't a bad name. This is not what I needed though, I can't believe I'm a father again.

Talia: Bruce, while I don't care much for your Robins, you raised three kids already! For Ra's sake, you adopted Dick when he was 8!

Bruce: I wasn't secretly his biological father, unaware he existed because the petty mother and her psychotic father refused to inform me of that!

Talia (honest): Well when you word it like that it makes us look bad.

Bruce (calm, but enraged): Talia, how old is Damian again?

Talia (deadpan): He turned eight a few months ago.

Bruce (panicked): That's what I'm FUCKING saying! I missed another birthday, he's been around- Oh my God it just dawned on me he's been around Ra's Al Ghul. Ra is that precious boy's grandfather. Oh… no.

Talia smiled hearing Bruce call their son precious.

Talia: You're stressed and shocked about having a child that I neglected to tell you about, for your own safety as well, but we can co-parent him since you know about him now.

Bruce (V.O.): That's not the point, he is my son you loony tune!

Bruce (outloud): Thank you so much for giving me that option eight years later. I'm not upset I have a son, that's... fine. You are correct about the fact I've raised three kids, working on things with Jason, but yes I'm not new to parenting. I’m having a lot of racing thoughts because the woman I thought I cut off ties with is now linked to me through said innocent child. Oh and the fact you kept him secret for eight years!

Talia (missing the point): Our relationship wasn't that bad. You have to admit we had good times together.

Bruce sat up, bringing his knee to his head and thinking about the good times... Those bad times entered the narrative quickly.

Talia: Bruce, it was for the best I never informed you of Damian’s existence earlier, father would’ve killed you.

Bruce: You refused to tell ME I had a son, because your father who bathes in the pit when he has a cold might’ve killed me? That’s what you’re trying to tell me… you’re telling me that as if I can’t fight for myself!

Talia (hesitantly): I made… what I assumed was the smartest decision.

Bruce: Yeah Kim thought the same thing with J.D. on Scrubs, at least he found out before the baby was born.

Talia: Okay I did not watch much of that crap show, but don’t compare me to that woman, I’m ten times better than her! Plus our night of passion was far different from what they did.

Bruce: No, it was a one night stand. A fun one, I won’t deny that, but one I had planned to be a ONE NIGHT STAND! I'm supposed to be smart, why did I buy those condoms, why did I put one in my wallet?

Talia: You are pissing me off to no end, but slip-ups like this can happen to the best of us. Neither of us expected a condom with the word 'condom' misspelled on it would break so easily.

Bruce: I can't ignore the fact you had him around that man. You let him talk to Damian, be around Damian, probably teach him how to kill. I am burying so much rage at the moment, but it's a thin thread, Talia. It's a thin thread!

Talia rolled her eyes while drinking from her tea cup.

Talia: I'll have you know, my childhood was only filled with normal discipline, he stabbed me in my ankle three times and then stopped. Mostly because I expected those sneak attacks.

Bruce: Talia, I swear to Christ if he has done that to Damian I will murder him three times.

Talia: No... not that I'm aware of.

Talia took another long sip from her cup while glancing away from Bruce.

Bruce (despondent): I've been deprived of that cute boy's eight years of growing up. He could have had a semi-normal childhood. I saw you with the baby too, but I thought nobody would be STUPID enough to have a kid with you. I'm the stupid one.

Talia (smirking): You think he's cute?

Bruce whimpered to signify he meant yes.

Talia: Our DNA worked together well.

Talia giggled, but Bruce wasn't in the mood.

Bruce: You're as delusional as I remember.

Talia: Bruce, get up, sit next to me. Have some tea.

Bruce stood up and sat a good distance from Talia. He removed his cowl and sighed accepting he had a son with Talia, but his worry for his child's safety remained.

Bruce: I'm glad I'm not shooting blanks, the issue is- I mean no offense... kind of do- I did not want a child with you after I realized I can't be with someone like you. You and I have clashing ideals and now we have a child. I have to co-parent with a woman who harassed a Kohl's worker to the point the woman got institutionalized ... and that's the tame shit! What am I going to tell Damian about your entire history?

Talia: Okay first of all, that worker was racist, she had it coming and second, I've made decisions you do not agree with, some that I don't look back on fondly, but for most of Damian's childhood I raised him with the love I barely got from my father. I'm doubting the decision to raise him as an assassin.

Bruce: I can make the final decision there, he's not becoming one.

Talia (chuckling dryly): Guess we'll have to compromise with what Damian wants. To be honest, Bruce I'm not that mad with your overall reaction, but I'm glad the issue isn't our son. Because whether you want to be with me or not, I want you to be a part of his life. Eight years later, yes, but I've known you for a long time and I see now you'll be a great father to him.

Bruce (rubbing his forehead): Freaking reassuring after I missed so much of his life... He's leaving today with me and will never return here again. Yeah, yeah that's a good first step as his father.

Talia: Okay, let's test the co-parenting here. How about you take him to Gotham and spend a few weeks with him so that way he can get to know you more. You're rich, not as much as us, but hopefully he'll be used to your lifestyle.

Bruce (serious): You said that as if he's visiting for vacation and then returning to this kingdom of evilness. He's not returning here! Ever!

Talia: Oh come on, I'm raising him incredibly well.

Bruce: Around Ra's Al Ghul?

Talia: Y- Yes. On his birthday we have him fight assassins and punishments aren't that bad, but last birthday he didn't have to do that I was generous.

Bruce (seething): You had him fight assassins?! What punishments- You got me fucked me, Talia! You got me fucked up! You have me talking like I'm from lower Jersey! I get you find me silly for wearing an awesome batsuit to save the city, but let me make this clear: He's living with me, I am taking... custody of him. I'm getting his stuff, he'll get on my jet and Gotham will be his permanent home! That is my son! Not just yours and damn sure not Ra's! I have a say in my son's life!

Talia (impressed): Okay, I like this energy. He'll want to return here for proper raising, I'm confident in that, but he can spend two or three months with you and then we'll humor him and see who he wants to stay with.

Bruce: Me. Me. He's living with me. I might have him visit- What am I saying?! You can visit him, I won't deprive YOU of being around him. Not Ra because if he hurts him any further, I will BEAT that man to an inch of his life and render him comatose!

Talia (pretending to be ignorant): Yeah, he'll stay for a let's say a year. I'm getting what you're putting down.

Bruce: You're seriously not! Talia look into my eyes, Damian WAYNE will be living with me from here on out. Got it?!

Talia stood up, placing her tea cup on the table.

Talia: Mm-hm, Mm-hm, Mm-hm, we'll see what Damian decides. Aren’t you happy I gave him your last name.

Bruce rubbed his forehead, trying not to cuss Talia out. She wasn't always the most stable person especially when it involved allegiance to her father, but he was resolute in his decision.

Damian would not set foot back in that castle for as long as Bruce lived. Although he accepted there was no point in arguing with Talia.

Talia (standing up): I'll go tell him to pack his things, you're going to have to talk to my father and I'm not sure if you remember this, you blacked out at a certain point, but Jason was fully aware I had the child, kept it secret for this long-term revenge, Damian has visited Gotham to be babysat by him, and he helped raise him for 8 years. He was actually the one who told me a few months ago it was time to let you see him so don't be too hard on the kid. Okay, whew got that off my chest. Damian, let's talk!

Talia scurried out of the room as Bruce stood there, shocked at this new information. He had blocked out that particular part, remembering it now made his face turn red with rage.

Bruce (whispering in rage): He had his reasons. He had his reasons. He had ... his reasons. He ...had his reasons. He had his... reasons. He had me send him that money for three years after I SAVED him and he sat on his information until a few months ago!

Bruce left the tea room in a huff.

Bruce: Jason, let's talk!

"You knew this entire time?"

Bruce find out about Damian

Jason knew the entire time

[ladykailitha]

Icarus Part 9

Hello and welcome back to this wonderful fic! Like I've said before having a set schedule for each story got hard and I've resorted to posting on vibes alone.

This week's vibes are all over the place because of the pain in my elbow. It's getting better but it's taking every ounce of self-control and self-preservation I have not write as many words a day as I can to make up for lost time and slowly work my way back up to my old schedule so I don't re-injure it.

But as I've said, if you want to see a specific work more often, drop me an ask and I'll see what I can do.

Here we have Eddie being a sweetheart and Steve and his friends being dorks.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8

****

NDAs were such a large part of Steve’s life he couldn’t remember a time he didn’t have them. For everything.

Even producers had to sign them before they could even breathe in the direction of The Fallen in the recording studio.

It was an exhausting but necessary part of his life. Just like the locked room in his apartment.

Shane and Spence had done an amazing job with Steve’s little notebook of song material. And shocker, only two of them were love songs. Most of the rest of the songs were about trying to survive in a world you had to hide.

He knew that a lot of critics would tell them to lose the masks if it bothered them so much, but at this point Steve didn’t care. They were working on their third album in three years and he was fucking tired.

“Again, from the top,” the producer said into the com. “Abbadon you got a little pitchy on the second line. Watch it. Astraeus, you’re coming in too early. It’s duh-ba-ba-dun and then you come in. You’re coming in on the first ba.”

Steve and Shane nodded and they began again.

Steve’s brain thought it was going to melt out of his ears. He had a test for his certification after today’s session in the studio and he was sure all the information would have leaked out by then.

But apparently Steve’s brain went on autopilot taking the test, and not only did he pass, he passed with full marks.

Spence clapped Steve shoulder. “Hey, man if this whole rockstar gig ever falls apart, you should come be an EMT with me.”

Steve grinned back. That wasn’t a bad idea actually. With his lifeguard training and his affinity for thinking well under pressure, it really was the ideal job.

“I might just take you up on that.”

They broke up for the day and as Steve was putting away his guitar his phone rang.

“Hey, Eds,” he greeted.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Eddie replied. “How did your test go?”

“I aced it!” Steve said, bouncing on the tips of his toes in excitement.

“What?” Eddie cried. “Baby, that’s so amazing! We’ll definitely go out tonight and celebrate. But that’s not the reason I’m calling.”

“Oh?” Steve asked.

“How far are you guys into the album?” Eddie asked, hesitantly.

Steve frowned for a moment. He looked over at Spence and Hopper. They had all had a really rough session today and it had become almost grueling in a way that the other two albums never felt.

“Not as far as we’d like,” Steve admitted. If anyone knew what they were going through it was Eddie.

“I’m sorry, babe,” Eddie commiserated. “Would it be better to continue at it or take break touring?”

Steve scratched his cheek thoughtfully. It would be nice to actually take time with the album and not push it out as quickly as possible.

“A break for sure,” Steve murmured. “We’re on our third album in three years, and even though we just got back from a tour, it was less exhausting than being in the studio right now.”

Eddie was silent for a moment. “Have you thought about changing the studio you’re working in? Sometimes a change of scenery can help.”

“I guess we could try,” Steve muttered. “I just didn’t think we had that kind of pull with the record label yet. I’ll call Robin later and see what she can do.”

Eddie hummed in agreement. “So the reason I was asking, babe, is that they have given us a choice of two sets of dates. One that would start at the beginning of the new year and one that would start next summer. And since we’re taking you with us, our management is going to coordinate with yours.”

“Oh.”

Steve wasn’t sure which he would prefer, if he was being honest. “Can I talk to my boys and get back to you on that?”

“Sure thing, Stevie,” Eddie said fondly. “You can tell all about what you guys decided when we meet up for drinks tonight, how does that sound?”

Steve let out a little sigh of relief. “Yeah, that sounds great, Eds. Text me the details.”

“You’ve got it!” Eddie said and then they both said their goodbyes and hang up.

More work, Steve thought mournfully. He didn’t want more work. He was tired and miserable and he should have been happy. The record was liking the album so far, they were about to go on tour with the biggest metal band in the world, he was dating Eddie. Why wasn’t he happy?

He put his head in his hands and forced himself to breathe. He knew that a lot of what he was feeling was being forced to wait when he didn’t want to.

That even if he was out as Abbadon, he couldn’t be out with Eddie. Both of their labels would have literal bitch fits. They could be out to their friends, but as far as the media went, that was off limits. Being bisexual or gay was better now, but it could still tank their careers if they came out with actual same sex partners. Steve’s career especially, new as it was.

Steve let out a low shuddering breath. This whole masked identities shit was tough. He didn’t know how those other bands could handle it. Maybe the difference was that their families knew. He honestly didn’t know.

But he had chosen to walk down this road. When they first started playing and getting turned away by how they looked, they chose to not change themselves, but to become someone else. And it worked and he really couldn’t argue with the results.

Steve loved his job. He loved that he got be in a band with his best friends and that his platonic soulmate was their manager. He loved getting out there on stage and singing his heart out. But it was hard sometimes.

He pulled out his phone and called Robin. “Hey, what are the label’s requirement on getting this album done? Like does it have to be at this studio with this producer?”

“One sec,” Robin said, pulling it up on her computer. She scanned the document complete with searching for key words. “Doesn’t look like it. Why? What’s up?”

“You know how we’ve hit a wall in the studio?” Steve asked around chewing on his thumb.

She scoffed. Of course she knew. “And you’re thinking a change of venue might help or at the very least a new producer?”

“Yeah...” Steve said. “Eddie suggested it, but I wasn’t sure if we had that kind of clout with the record label.”

Robin was quiet on the line, but Steve could feel the cogs in her head turn. “I’ll get on it.”

“Thanks,” he said, breathing out a sigh of relief. “Did Eddie’s label send over the tour dates?”

“Let’s see...” she hummed. “Yup! I’m reading through them... and I’m guessing you to talk with everyone before making a final decision?”

“Right in one,” Steve said. “Preferably with whether or not we get someone else in to produce.”

“You’ve got it, babe,” she said. “Does this have a deadline?”

“Eddie said he would like to know by tonight,” he said, “but I can tell him we’re still working things out and that’s we’ll get back to him.”

“That would be ideal, yes.”

Steve huffed out a laugh. “I’ll still talk to the boys and at least get a feel for what they’re thinking even if we can’t shift producers or studio.”

“Sounds good,” Robin said. “I’ll get back to you as soon as I learn anything.”

He hung up and pulled up the group chat and messaged his friends to meet at his place. He had stuff he wanted to talk with them regarding upcoming tour dates.

Simon and Shane texted back immediately. Spence had left them on read for about fifteen minutes before responding with a question about how long they would be.

And then the ribbing began.

-Oohh...you with that girl?- Shane

-He totally is!!- Simon

-Pics or it didn’t happen- Steve

-Pics!- Simon

-Yeah, man, is she cute?- Shane

-Why do you care, Shane? You’re gay- Spence

-Because like a flower I can appreciate the feminine form, even if I don’t want to fuck it- Shane

Pic comes in of Spence on his couch with a gorgeous dark-skinned woman with soulful eyes and long black hair.

-Meet Nadia

-Lucky guy!- Simon

-That’s quite the flower :P- Shane

-Yeahhh...I’m sorry, man, as much as I would like to let you stay with your lady love, we really need to talk. Business. :(

-I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. -Spence

-lol! You keep telling yourself that and maybe one day I’ll believe you- Shane

-GASP! Spence doesn’t love us! :’(- Simon

-Damn it. Fine I love you all- Spence

-Simon uses sad emoji against Spence, it’s super effective! (pokeball emoji)- Steve

-Meet at my place as soon as you can- Steve

There was the usual chorus of affirmative responses and Steve set down his phone.

He looked up at the ceiling as he huffed out a sigh. His friends were on the way, Robin was trying to fix the problem with them hitting a brick wall making their album, and Eddie was supportive.

It helped that Spence was dating now, too. They could commiserate about their love lives.

Simon hated that while he could get girls as Asmodeus but not as himself he swore off dating until he found someone who liked him for him and not just because he was a rock god.

Shane just liked having fun. Wherever that took him. Usually gay bars with lots of booze and dancing.

They weren’t “rich and famous” enough for the wild parties and shit. At least not yet. They were getting a lot traction with their second major album though so that was probably going to change fast.

Steve just glad that he would have Eddie and Robin holding his hand though this.

He looked over at the contract on his table and sighed. Like Spence, he really did love his job. And he knew that there were hundreds of bands wishing to be in his shoes.

He could do this.

He was, after all Abbadon, lead singer of The Fallen and he knew how to do this shit.

****

Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25

Tag List:

@mira-jadeamethyst @rozzieroos @itsall-taken @redfreckledwolf @emly03

@spectrum-spectre @estrellami-1 @zerokrox-blog @gregre369 ​@a-little-unsteddie

@chaosgremlinmunson @messrs-weasley @danili666 @chaoticlovingdreamer @maya-custodios-dionach

@val-from-lawrence @goodolefashionedloverboi @i-must-potato @carlyv @wonderland-girl143-blog

@justforthedead89 @vecnuthy @irregular-child @yikes-a-bee @bookbinderbitch

@bookworm0690 @anne-bennett-cosplayer @awkwardgravity1 @littlewildflowerkitten @genderless-spoon

@cinnamon-mushroomabomination @y4r3luv @dragonmama76 @scheodingers-muppet @ellietheasexylibrarian

@thedragonsaunt @useless-nb-bisexual @disrespectedgoatman @eyehartart @dawners

@thespaceantwhowrites @tinyplanet95 @iamthehybrid @croatoan-like-its-hot @papergrenade

@cryptid-system @counting-dollars-counting-stars

[glitterphilosophy]

Reasons why I would not have survived in 2014

Okay, so listen. I know all of us girls, me included, wish more than anything that we were teens during the 2013-15 girlblogger era. I'm 18, so in 2014 I was literally 7, and I never got the opportunity to be a Tumblr girl then, so I'm living my 2014 dream now! However, although i think I'm made for the 2014 life- living and breathing Tumblr, spending my days reading magazines and wearing cute pjs, pink everything and Victorias Secret, being my best most girly princess self- there are some things nowadays that I could so not live without! This post is to remind all the Tumblr girls how lucky we are to be here in 2025 (the new 2015) xx

1. Disney Plus- Disney Plus was only released in 2019! My favourite thing to do in the evenings is sit with a face mask and watch an old Disney movie. True Tumblr girls are obsessed with Disney, they were really missing out in 2014!

2. The bow trend- There are so many options for girly girls nowadays, I love that everything is covered in bows!

3. Stanley cups- Yall can hate all you want- I love my reusable water bottle. Mine isn't a Stanley, its another brand thats leakproof, with a metal straw and lid (and its way cuter imo), its baby pink and keeps my water cold for hours, I love it! I take it everywhere with me, it makes me feel so put together and like such a girly girl.

4. Skincare options- Tell me why abrasive sugar scrubs were normalised for the FACE in 2014? Everytime I watch old videos I am traumatized by their skincare routines, I honestly wonder what those girls look like now 😭 Even though I find the packaging kind of ugly, Byoma has done wonders for my skin, something I struggled with for so long! I couldn't live without clean skincare and my gua sha, honestly.

5. Clean girl makeup- 2010s makeup had its moment, and its beautiful, but matte makeup doesn't suit me at ALL. Some makeup I see thats insanely dewy or with loads of blush I don't love, but overall I much prefer a less heavy look with more cream products- those block brows were not doing me ANY favors.

6. Charlotte Tilbury- Kind of following on from the last point, there is something so VS angel about Charlotte Tilbury makeup. The packaging, the products, I'm OBSESSED. I love keeping my skin looking like skin, while still being cute!

7. Vogue Beauty Secrets- I don't know when these started, but the oldest ones I've watched are from like 2019. Theres nothing better than watching Vogue Beauty Secrets while getting ready in the morning!

8. Music- Don't get me started! Although I adore music from 2014 and before, 2016-19 was really where its at for me. I couldn't live without Thank U, Next, and some of my fav Taylor Swift songs only came out last year! Sometimes I just need to blast Brat to get through my day, and thats ok!

9. Ugg dupes- You can get them ANYWHERE, in so many styles too! I love my platform fluffy uggs and my ultra mini black ones as much as my regular real uggs, I would never have been able to afford so many options in 2014!

10. Heatless curls- My HOLY GRAIL. Was this a thing in 2014? I honestly don't know! I would not cope without my heatless curls set, not using heat on my hair has made it so healthy, and I look put together from the minute I get out of bed with basically no effort!

💐

[sunatoru]

a hopeless romantic all my life.

⇒ osamu x hopeless romantic!reader

summary : struggling to find your true love, you decide to give up on searching for a relationship, turns out the phrase “love finds you when you aren’t looking.” has some merit to it.

warnings : none that i can tell!

genre : fluff , self indulgent asf, maybe a little tiny hint of hurt/comfort?

a/n : sick of men disappointing me, literally am never confessing to a guy ever again. WHY ARE THE MEN IN AUSTRALIA SO LAME WAAAAAAAA

w/c : 1.5k

you were first introduced to love through fairytales and fantasies at the age of five. by the age of 8 you believed you’d get your own fairytale love, you’d expressed your biggest dreams and wishes to the pearly white star in the sky. by the age of 13 you were determined to fall in love with your soulmate, full of hopes that he existed and was searching just as impatiently for you.

by the age of 19 you realised fairytales were a scam and that cupid would not be shooting you, or the stranger who offered his parking spot during your parallel parking struggles, with his blessed arrow of love. you’d done everything to make the process easier for that big-cheeked baby with the heart shaped bow. dating apps and school clubs, confessing to every guy you had feelings for, begging your friends to put in a good word with the cute guy in their class, yet nothing ever stuck.

so you gave up, if cupid wasn’t going to give you the romance anime love you craved so badly, you’d stop trying so hard. you resigned from putting any more time or effort into love, so sure that it wasn’t real and was not worth searching for.

and yet, here you are standing in front of the miya osamu, the cute chef in training at the restaurant owned by your uncle. so maybe the onigiri’s he’d given you during every visit were his way of expressing his affections for you, or maybe he genuinely needed someone to try out his recipes as he worked his way through his culinary course and his job at the ramen store. either way, your heart fluttered as he stared at you.

“i- uh…” your mouth opened and closed in shock, as you tried processing everything that just happened within the short span of five minutes.

8 year old yn would be kicking her feet in excitement, and 13 year old yn would be in awe that someone as handsome and as hardworking as osamu was interested in you. 18 year old yn would’ve been certain that you’d never see the day someone would turn the tables and confess to you instead.

“i’m sorry, it was all kind of sudden, i know. a-and i understand if you're off put by it or if you’re just not interested but-” he stopped his rambling as he noticed the wide grin slowly forming on your face, a bright and genuine smile that made his heart skip a beat and his face feel ten times hotter than it did a moment ago.

“‘samu, i’d love to get to know you better, maybe we could go on a date? when you’re free of course!”

“a date? a date! yes, okay— i’ll get back to you on when i’m free, could i- uh, get your number?”

and with that you secured a possible date with the boy who had been nothing more than your uncle’s apprentice. you made your way home with a satisfied smile on your face and a heart pumping loudly with the adrenaline that still courses through you. nothing could ruin your mood in that moment.

—

two weeks of radio silence from the man who confessed, two weeks of false hope and tears in your room, left to comfort and berate yourself all alone. you felt so stupid, to be crying over some guy who just happened to feed you the best onigiri and ramen you’d ever eaten and had made you feel so special, you just couldn’t convince yourself that he wasn’t worth your time or tears.

you avoided your uncle’s shop for a few weeks in hopes of avoiding samu in the process, however, after two more weeks of that, your luck had run out. your mother left you with the task of delivering the aprons she’d fixed up for the cozy little ramen store.

begrudgingly, you picked up the stack of folded aprons, holding them under your arm as you huffed and puffed all through your journey to the infamous shop.

from the outside, the place brought a great sense of comfort, a paper lantern to the right of the door that emitted a soft glow and warmth if you got close enough. the tiles to the roofing were a midnight grey and the two windows on the front of the shop had the curtains drawn halfway, still allowing you to see the orange glow of the interior lights. the smell of the freshly made ramen had you salivating, the strong smell of sesame oil or the sizzling of the meat being grilled had you reaching for the handle before you could second guess your decision.

“uncle! i brought your aprons—” the man on the other side of the door was, unfortunately, not your uncle. instead, samu stood over the grill with one hand on his hip, the other using a wooden paddle to push around the meat in front of him. samu glanced at the door before looking back down at the food.

“he isn’t here today, sprained his wrist this morning and asked me to watch over the store for the night.”

you blinked, once, twice before deflating. “oh… i’ll just leave the aprons in the back then…” awkwardly, you coughed before shuffling past him and the bar into the back room where the security and staff room was.

with a sigh you dropped the aprons on the cluttered table, not paying any mind to what it fell on or knocked over. what a dick you thought as you ruminate over the short interaction you just had with the main cause of all your dilemmas in the past two weeks. he barely even glanced at you!

you huffed, pouting as you pushed the door open, ready to just ignore his existence and scurry home as quickly as possible. but of course, the universe liked using you as its favourite punching bag, and so instead of sneaking your way out of the store that once brought you great comfort, you run straight into the sturdy and broad chest of the one and only osamu miya.

he stared down at you quietly, a furrow in his brows and his lips pursed. he stared deeply into your eyes with a mix of concern and frustration, he took a deep breath before he finally broke the staring battle.

“if you weren’t interested, you could’ve told me that day, you didn’t need to give me a fake number.” osamu’s voice was quiet, the disappointment and sadness seeping through his words.

you gaped up at him, the audacity of this man! he was the one who stood you up, and yet you’re being blamed?

“i messaged you everyday, miya. don’t act like i was the one who wasn’t interested, when you were the one who ignored me.”

“what? what are you talking about, you never messaged me!” he fished his phone out, opening up the messaging app and forcefully pushed his phone into your hands, the message thread between the two of you being left empty save for the few messages he had sent.

“…wait what?” you mumbled to yourself, pulling your own phone out to show him your own messages.

the two of you stared down at the screens in confusion, you opened the contact information for both of you, staring down at the numbers.

“this is your number right, osamu?” you held your phone up at him, while you looked down at his phone to confirm your number.

…confirm that it was in fact not the right number.

“osamu… why is my number wrong?” you look up at the man incredulously, as he reciprocated the look. “i could ask you the same thing.” he grumbled.

you both stood in silence for a few seconds before he let out a relieved laugh. hand wiping down his face as he walked backwards towards the cooking area. you followed quietly, mind reeling at the thought that this was most likely just a huge misunderstanding.

“i guess maybe in the excitement we both just mistyped the numbers? thank god, you almost broke my heart yn!”

your scoff was mixed with a laugh as you sat on the stool by the bar. “speak for yourself, i was crying for a good week, almost two.” you sheepishly rubbed your cheeks in hopes that your embarrassment would disappear.

the two of you talked as he worked throughout the night, ending it off with him walking you home and giving his actual number, double checking that it was right by calling him before he left. when you walked through the door of your house, you kicked off your shoes in the entrance in excitement, hopping up the short platform and sprinting to your room.

you dropped onto your bed with a squeal, feeling all the emotions of love and envy exploding within you like fireworks. you could feel your younger self applauding you for not messing things up and cheering you on as you worked towards accomplishing her dreams.

with a sigh you glanced outside the window, staring at the bright star in the night sky. “sorry for not believing in you, thanks for listening to my wishes…” you smiled softly before reaching for your phone, pulling open samu’s contact.

‘so, about that date. what about a trip to the aquarium?’

[circulinho]

Restless

"The circles under your eyes are getting darker each time we meet"

Were the words that came out of his mouth the moment he got close enough to talk to me.  A few months ago and I would've found his choice of words rude, offensive even. However experience has taught me to look beyond his sharp remarks, he's not trying to offend me, this is his strange way of asking 'is everything alright?'.

Whilst he may not be the most skilled conversationalist there is, Levi is probably the most caring individual I've ever met. I know he's worried, his dark circles trigger the same feeling in me.

"I could say the same to you"

Levi is a fine man, in pretty much all aspects: he's knowledgeable, honest, calm, handsome... One could argue that the scars and the blinded eye make him unfit for the word 'handsome', but I couldn't disagree more.

The way his pale skin reflects the morning rays of the sun is ethereal, when directly receiving the radiation his skin glows like a mother-of-pearl. The greyish eye that stares at me reminds me faintly of stormy skies, so much so that I can almost smell petrichor. His ravenette strands, forever kept in an undercut, contrast perfectly with his fair skin in a way that feels almost poetic, like Yin and Yang in perfect harmony, complementing each other effortlessly.

I'm convinced  that this man is nature's masterpiece, and it takes great self control on my part not to slip into a trance and marvel at him for the rest of the day.

"Well, yeah I haven't had a decent night of sleep since I was 8 years old, but that's not the case for you. So what's been keeping you awake?"

You! Levi Ackerman, you've been keeping me awake! Although I don't think it's fair to put the blame on you, after all you don't steal my sleep on purpose.

One week- that's how long I've been depriving myself of a good night of sleep. Last week I figured out a bunch of 'whys': why I always turned so fast after hearing the doorbell of the bakery ring, why I'm so eager to be the one serving you, why whenever I went out shopping my eyes would linger on the teacups and I'd wonder if you would like them, why I started buying more brands of teas for you to try, why I stopped adding so much sugar to my infusions, why I always found the day to be gloomy when you didn't show up, why bought a book about tea brewing so I wouldn't serve you a 'shitty cup of tea' anymore, why your dirty mouth never bothered me, why I never seem to notice how much time we spent talking until you pointed it out, why my blood boiled that one day you showed up with a pretty woman by your side, why I found the darkest days so easy to go through after talking to you.

The why is: Love.

Levi you stole my heart, and took my sleep along with you. When night comes and I'm waiting for the slumber to catch me, your face appears in my mind, our conversations replay in my head like a loop, my imagination wanders freely with tooth achingly sweet thoughts...

But then anxiety comes, and what was once sweet turns bitter, 'he doesn't like you that way', 'the age gap would mine the relationship', 'you're a coward that can't even ask him out'.

But of course I'm not telling you that.

"Tea. I've been training my brewing skills so I can please my favorite customer"

SNK does not belong to me.

This is a sample of a story I've been thinking about writing. Please feel free to give your critics, I'd like to evolve my writing abilities and there's nothing better than good feedback.

This is my first time posting a story, please bear my lack of skills in pampering the post.

[faneliansficaloh]

A Lifetime of Happiness

(Ch 1) (Ch 2) (Ch 3) (Ch 4) (Ch 5) (Ch 6) (Ch 7) (Ch 8) (Ch 9) (Ch 10) (Ch 11) (Ch 12) (Ch 13) (Ch 14) (Ch 15)

This is Chapter 16

Read in AO3

Notes

----------

30 January 1818

Dear Penelope,

You better than anyone on this earth knows that it has not been determination exactly that has brought me where I am today. It was self preservation, mostly, but I thank you for the sentiment any way. I will concede that I was determined to stop harming others with my tomfoolery, though.

You are wise beyond your years Pen, and there are very few people in this world whose opinion I value as much as I do yours, in all matters. So you must tell me if you think I should be worried about Amanda. I’ve noticed lately that she has been trying to care for us in her own way, treating us like her little pets, some times. She admonishes us for not eating our vegetables, and the other night she came in to my little study well after her bed time to tell me to go to sleep.

I promise I will follow whatever you recommend. I learned my lesson that one time I did not listen to you and for that transgression I have paid dearly, so I hope you have already forgiven me. Besides, I believe it was Prudence’s singing that made me temporarily deaf at the time.

Please give Prudence my regards, as well as her husband. Unlike Mr. Finch, Mr. Dankworth has not written to me frequently, so I shall rely on you for this short greeting.

You should be receiving spring and its early flowers by the time you get this letter. I hope you’ve also received the news you wish so much for.

Yours, Colin.

1815 – Flown away

It had been a smaller affair than Portia Featherington would have liked it to celebrate her daughter marrying a baron, but everybody agreed that the ceremony was lovely and the wedding breakfast was perfect. Well, almost everybody.

She had changed into a travel dress as they were to depart for Surrey immediately after the celebration. Mrs Varley had to help her as Rae had already been sent on her way to prepare things for her in what would be her new home.

It was an odd feeling, as she looked around at her mostly-empty room. All her things had already been packed and sent away, and Mrs. Varley looked like she might cry.

“We are all very happy for you, my Lady, the staff send their congratulations”

“That is very kind, thank you.” It felt odd to accept that she would miss this house and the people that inhabited.

“We will miss you”

“I will miss you, too. Thank you for looking after us all these years, Mrs. Varley.” She held and pressed the woman’s hand in hers to show her affection.

The old woman smiled with pride. “I will let them know that you’re ready”

“Yes, thank you.”

Penelope took a last look at her bedroom and taking a deep breath marched resolutely out the door. She was climbing down the stairs when she heard the well known sound of domestic gossip and could not help herself. There were a couple of young maids cleaning up after the celebration.

“Well, I’ll say that for man not in love, Lord Debling is awfully sweet to her” said one of them

“Isn’t he?” The other one seemed to feel vindicated “And the way he smiles when he looks at her.” The emphasis implied there was something special about such a smile.

“In any case, I hope the miss will be very happy” The first maid replied, trying to sound very sensible.

“She is a Lady now, Anna” Penelope could not help a little giggle to escape her at this.

“Oh, I keep forgetting!”

Penelope was touched to hear the maids’ well wishes were genuine, and the validation that it wasn’t only her imagination and that there had indeed been a sweetness present in their courtship, gave her renewed hope that this had been the right decision. There was just one thing that worried her at present.

She said goodbye to her sisters and her mother, who had unexpectedly embraced her, almost making her cry. It was a quick but tight hug, her mother’s hand pressing her almost painfully, and when she let go she put her hands on her shoulders and with a tight smile she nodded encouragingly, as if sending out her best soldier into battle. You can do this was written in her face. Penelope nodded reassuringly in return.

Lord Debling helped her get into the carriage, looking through the window she waved her family goodbye one last time. Her husband sat across her and as soon as the carriage started moving, he proceeded to remove his coat and his cravat. As he did so, he noticed she had averted her eyes to the floor, her skin flushed and a very worried expression across her face “Are you very nervous?” his voice was warm and hesitant.

“I am” He moved to sit beside her, took her hand and kissed it, not letting go afterwards. Then it dawned on him.

“Forgive me, I should have – it is going to be a long ride under the sun. I am not used to travel with female company, I should have asked you before removing my coat. Did... your mother tell you about the-” he cleared his throat “wedding night?” If she weren’t so worried herself, she might have noticed that he seemed nervous as well.

She could feel her heart in her throat. “She did.” She couldn’t bring herself to look at him in the eye, it was so very, uttterly mortifying.

He then wondered exactly what her mother had told her because he could see her panic.

“You do not have to worry. I will not ask you to repeat whatever she’s told you, but just know, we do not have to do anything you do not feel ready for.”

She turned to look at him fully, her sight finally unglued from the floor, full of surprise. Her mother had said it would be demanded of her. He lowered his head near to hers, and spoke softly “I will wait”, then took her chin in his hand and kissed her. And she could feel his smile when she kissed him back and after some hesitation, her hand gently reached his cheek, as if testing something. He then kissed her palm and said “It might be more difficult than I thought, but I will” with what she could swear was a mischievous smile.

It was not the first time they kissed, nor was the one at the end of the wedding ceremony. He had kissed her when she accepted his proposal, but that had been a very chaste kiss, not what she had experienced with her own very first kiss. If she had been expecting it, she would probably have been disappointed, but it surprised her and in the moment it felt incredibly tender and right.

Their second kiss had been very different, her heart had skipped a beat and she had felt it somewhere deep inside of her, it had been the night of their engagement party, and she could still remember the feel of his hand on her neck and her back.

The kisses were perfectly good, she enjoyed them in fact, and therein lied the real heart of the matter that had been in her mind since. It was hard for her to reconcile the fact that she was apparently capable of liking the touch of a man who wasn’t the one her heart loved. She never thought it possible to enjoy kissing someone other than Colin. This was, of course, a good discovery as it meant she wouldn’t have to make her life with someone whose touch she couldn’t bear, but it still clashed with all her notions of what true love meant.

In any case, the fact that she had enjoyed his kissing and wasn’t uncomfortable with her hand in his right this moment, didn’t mean that she was ready for the nakedness and climbing atop of each other her mother had described the night before, as if she had needed to have nightmares immediately before her wedding day. Portia had explained the wedding night to her in such stark detail that she felt she might have been better off not knowing anything at all.

Apparently Portia had felt the need to over-correct whatever instruction she had provided to her elder sisters as it seemed to not have helped them, and she was even more eager to make sure Penelope would secure an heir for the Debling estate than she had been for the Featherington title, so although it was clearly mortifying to her, she powered through and told Penelope all she thought was necessary to increase the chances of a pregnancy.

“So, have you given any thought to who will be your first guest at your new home?” He said, trying to distract her, as she had hardly said a word for a good while.

“I haven’t even set foot there myself yet!” She couldn’t even imagine what this new home would be like. There must be trees, and a garden, that much she had imagined.

“So you haven’t thought about it at all?” She had mentioned she wanted to run her own home, so he expected her to be excited about the prospect of entertaining visitors.

“I suppose it would have to be my mother”

“Will she be joined by your sisters and your cousin?”

“Not my cousin, I don’t think” She noticed his intrigued face “Her husband is so busy nowadays. I don’t think they will be travelling as much” Never her cousin. It was after all, the whole point.

“I thought you would be more eager to have Miss Bridgerton, you seem more closely attached to her”

“That is entirely true. But I wouldn’t want to hurt mama. She does care a great deal for social standing, she would take it as an affront. I have already disappointed her with a perfectly sensible wedding, I cannot add another insult. Do you entertain many visitors?”

“Not many that are not strictly on business, but as the time draws near for the expedition, there will probably be an increase in visits. You will have to practice with your new name, we would not want any blunders, Lady Debling”

She smiled. She was! She truly was Lady Debling now! Penelope Featherington had been forever left behind in Mayfair, doomed to live as only a memory for the few that would care to remember.

***

They arrived in the afternoon, there was still a good hour of sunlight outside. It was comforting that it wasn’t that far from town, although it was twice as far from the Featherington country seat by her calculations.

It was not a very large, imposing building. To Penelope it looked exactly as a home should look. Despite it’s plain and cool white colour, the large windows and the details of the facade seemed to invite one to the warmth of it’s interior.

As they descended the carriage, they were greeted by the servants, all lined up to welcome them. Her husband introduced the butler, Mr. Wilcox and the Housekeeper, Mrs. Donaghy. Penelope was glad to see Rae smiling at her from the ranks as she had accepted to join her as her lady’s maid.

Mrs. Donaghy, the housekeeper, quickly explained that the house had 14 bedrooms and dressing rooms, 2 bathrooms, 3 reception rooms a comfortable lounge hall and ample domestic offices, she went on to note that the stable counted with men’s rooms and there was additional housing for the groundskeeper. The boastful tone Mrs. Donaghy used made it all sound as if she was trying to convince Penelope to buy the property, but it was to serve as a mere introduction of sorts. It was arranged that Mrs. Donaghy would give her a proper tour and introduce her to the staff the next day.

Nevertheless, she now was facing the reality that she would be responsible for all of that, for the people who actually did the work to maintain it and the many tenants and related properties. Lord Debling had assured her that she would not be entirely on her own, there were a solicitor, a business manager and clerks that would make sure things ran smoothly, but she knew that at the end of the day, decisions would be required from her. It was a sobering thought, none the less. Suddenly the anxiety of the wedding night was entirely forgotten, and replaced by an overwhelming sense of responsibility.

“Would you like to see the grounds, or do you prefer to retire to rest?” He was rolling up his sleeves as he said this

“I would love to walk outside for a bit” She was aching from the many hours spent on the carriage. It was a hot day but a nice breeze rustled the canopy of the large trees surrounding the house, inviting her in to their shade.

She was rewarded with a very lovely sight – The ton’s country homes she had visited all had very similar, meticulously manicured gardens, with neatly trimmed hedges and distinct groups of flowers carefully arranged. She didn’t know how to describe it exactly, but this garden made one feel like one was actually out in nature. It looked wild, and seemed overgrown, with different types of trees on all sides, vines and flowers of many kinds but the pathways were clear and neat, and there were benches in different spots. It was charming, and felt full of life.

“We try not to interfere with the plants too much, only where it is necessary for them to thrive or to avoid or repair damage.” She could see he was profoundly proud of this. “It also allows for all kind of small creatures to have a home”

“Doesn’t that become dangerous?”

“Only if we are aggressive in our invasion of their home. From time to time we might have to chase one out of the house, but they mostly keep to themselves if we do not disturb them”

“Like we are doing now?” her tone was alarmed at the thought.

“They are used to quiet visits. I usually sit over here, come” He motioned to the edge of the garden that bordered with the woods at the North, which was on slightly higher ground. “From here one can appreciate the full view of the garden, the house and if one turns around, we can look into the woods. It is a good spot to catch a sight of nuthatches and the occasional sparrowhawk, hopefully not at the same time.” Her face was questioning so he clarified “The sparrowhawk might hunt the nuthatch”

“Oh” Was her only reply and they fell into a comfortable silence while they drank up the scenery, bathed in the warm light of the late afternoon.

He looked very pleased and completely at ease, with his legs extended, one crossed over the other, his hands interlocked behind his head as he reclined on the bench’s backrest. She thought back at how different he seemed now from the first impression she got of him when they met at Lady Danbury’s ball. He had seemed like a very serious, rather stiff man. They had little by little grown comfortable with each other while courting, but here he was completely relaxed, absolutely himself, and she felt there was still a world contained within him she did not know about. She wanted to know.

“Did you spend your days in this spot, as a boy?”

“Not at all! We used to live in Derbyshire. This house in fact is fairly new, I only came into residence after I came back from Shrewsbury and then I went away to Cambridge soon after.”

“Sounds like you’ve lived all across England at one point or another” It also sounded like he wasn’t used to staying in one place for long.

He shook his head in disagreement “I have yet to visit Cornwall”

“Is that intentional or an oversight?” She teased.

“An oversight, I can assure you I do not hold any ill will towards the Cornish people or their land”

“I haven’t been either, maybe we should go together – Once you return?”

He turned to her and nodded “It is settled, then”

“That was very easily agreed!” she chuckled.

“You could have gotten away with anything, you just went really low” he shrugged.

She twisted her mouth “Alas! I’ve squandered my powers on Cornwall” she threw her arms up in fake disappointment.

“Indeed. Next time you will have to actually say Please” She laughed and he was clearly delighted. He stood up and offered her his hand “Should we go inside?” She nodded and followed him.

They went into the house the opposite way from which they had come into the garden, through the door on a bow window.

“I wanted to show you this, before I let you go rest”

It was the library. Most of the walls were covered with books from floor to ceiling, with some smaller bookshelves standing behind a couple of big sofas that faced the very large bow window on the south wall, which meant one would have plenty of light all day long. There was also a great desk that had some maps displayed on top and on the mantle of the fireplace there was a large painting of a nautical scene. She could picture him spending hours in that room, studying his maps and preparing for his travels, writing about his findings.

“It is so lovely!” Her face was alight with joy and his with pride at having pleased her.

“It’s all yours. You can, perhaps, start writing your novel on this desk” The look on his face as he said this was so tender, it seemed to her that he had already pictured her writing there. She felt an overwhelming wave of affection for him. “These are the latest additions, curated by your closest friend” He pointed at a bundle of books tied with a ribbon that sat on the very same desk.

She went to inspect the bundle, untying the ribbon. It was a selection of novels and the Wollstonecraft book Eloise had been so insistent she read. “When did she – why didn’t she give these to me herself?”

“I asked what she would recommend to add to our library so that you would enjoy it from the first day”

“This is perfect, I don’t know what to say! That you got Eloise to do this for you, really – You should be very flattered” It felt like Eloise had finally given her full approval.

“I am exceptionally glad to hear that. I will show you to your room and let you retire to rest, yes?”

“Alright” She nodded

They went out of the library towards the stairs, they made a right on the second landing and they entered a small lounge with a large window opposite the entrance, and with two doors, each in one side of the room. He pointed to the door to the left and said “That is your bedroom, mine is through that door. I believe Miss Rae is waiting for you already. I will let you rest and meet you for dinner” She nodded and smiled as he kissed her hand before making his way through the door they had entered, not into his room.

She watched him as he walked away, his shirt sleeves rolled up, his collar open and his hair all out of place now. She could fully appreciate just how tall and strong he really was, and how his hair now a little messy made him look more handsome than when he had it perfectly in place.

“Miss! -- Ma’am!” Rae greeted her

“Don’t worry, I am not yet used to being a Ma’am. I’m so very glad you decided to join me, Rae.” She mused that she was used to the Lady title in a way, but of course no one had ever addressed her as such.

“Should I draw you a bath? I’ve already set out some choices for you to wear to dinner later”

“Yes, please, I would like to take a bath”

“Yes, ma’am. I will have tea sent as well, as you wait for the bath to be ready”

“That’s very thoughtful, thank you, Rae”

She was left alone with a soft click on the door. She took a look around the large room. It had two windows, the largest one a bow window similar to the one in the library, but not as tall. It was in the same orientation, so during the day it would be a very bright room when the curtains were apart. There was a small desk in front of it, already fully stocked with ink and paper, surely Rae’s doing. A large wardrobe stood near the door she had come in, and then she noticed that opposite the bow window there was another door. She went to inspect it and found that was the bath room, which had another door which would open to the hallway, so it must be a shared bath. She couldn’t help blushing at the thought of her husband bathing, she immediately closed the door and kept inspecting her bedroom.

The four post bed was much bigger than the one she had had in her maiden room, it was dressed in simple soft lilac linens. At the foot of the bed there stood her locked chest. She went to check it remained unopened and sighed in relief. It carried the contents that had inhabited under the floor board at her mother’s house.

A moment later there was a soft knock on the door and a young maid set the tea on the table near the smaller window, which looked out to the road in front of the house. She had her tea and after that took her bath. For dinner, she chose a shot silk burgundy dress with golden details over the deep blue muslin one. It might be too adorned for a simple dinner without guests, but it seemed to her it was more befitting for ending a day of celebration. To balance out she had Rae make up her hair in a simple, low chignon with just a ribbon used as a head band.

His smile told her she had chosen well, he seemed enormously pleased. Clearly he had thought of ending the day in a celebratory note as he was back in his coat and cravat.

“Are you feeling refreshed?”

“Yes, tea and a bath was just what I needed”

As they entered the dining room, Penelope was struck by a portrait adorning the wall at the far end of the table. It was a beautiful young lady of very pale skin and golden hair, enveloped in a marvellous pink ball gown. She was smiling as if she could see something wonderful across the room, and there, at the other end, was the pair portrait of a man. His hair was a darker blonde, sported a thick moustache but no beard and seemed stately as he was portrayed wearing full regalia. He was also smiling, but a little more dignified, even though his head seemed to be slightly tilted as if something were in the way of what he was looking at.

“My mother and my father” He looked quickly at both paintings, but his stare landed on Penelope’s face as she surveyed them herself.

“I see he was a handsome man, but she was truly breathtaking” She said full of admiration. “And the portrait is so well done, I can tell the texture of the silk, and I can almost smell the jasmines” There were no jasmines depicted, but she had remembered that their fragrance reminded him of his mother. He was surprised and touched that she remembered.

Above the fireplace there was a rustic landscape, which barely showed a red brick manor peeking among the trees near a lake, more prominently shown were various animals grazing on the grass. It was a fine work, but it seemed out of place. She would have expected a family portrait instead.

“The red building is the Derbyshire house. It is currently let by Stanhope”

“Is it a very beloved view?”

“Not particularly. In truth, I have not made any changes of my own to the décor. You have full authority on that regard now” He said, as they took their seats. Instead of being separated by the full length of the table, he sat at the head of the table, and Penelope on his right.

“Are you sure?”

“Is there much you wish to change already?”

“Not at all! But I do not want to cause a quarrel later for having moved something dear out of place”

“I daresay, there is nothing in this house, outside of my own room, that I would quarrel about”

She was reminded of Philippa saying that as soon as she took over their mother’s house her first order of business would be to get rid of the ghastly curtains and couldn’t help but laugh.

“My apologies. I was just reminded of a silly thing one of my sisters said once about my mother’s curtains” He seemed curious so she told him “Philippa called her curtains ‘ghastly’ right in front of her. She is not very concerned with the feelings of others or their perception of her.”

“But that could be a very good or a very bad thing, couldn’t it? One should have a modicum of consideration for the feelings of others”

“Oh, she can be mean but I no longer think it is out of any ill intention, and for her it seems at least to be freeing, I think.”

“But should that kind of freedom be at the expense of others? I still think consideration of others’ feelings is necessary”

“Lady Danbury once told me that one could speak their mind freely at any time if one could accept the consequences. I think Philippa has been doing exactly that, perhaps unknowingly”

“But what if the consequences do not only involve oneself? What if what is said only hurts others?”

“Have you ever been in such a position?”

“I do not believe I have ever found myself in a position where I didn’t have the choice to stay silent instead of being hurtful.” He declared and drank from his glass.

Penelope had of course given the matter some consideration already, a thousand times over. “I’d wager that a guilty conscience is a terrible consequence to endure, my Lord. If we were discussing an individual incapable of remorse or without a conscience entirely, then every point is moot. Such a person does not have any reason not to do exactly as they please in any case. But I have not yet met any such person. Thankfully, I might add.”

“And yet, there might be unexplored ramifications, and remorse is not very useful when damage has already been done. Once they’re said, words stay spoken.”

“If we could always take the time to consider every possibility then we should, but life often presses us and action should not be delayed”

He pondered out loud “I wonder what can possibly weigh on your conscience so.”

“That I let my mother choose those ghastly curtains without saying anything to stop her.” She smiled, cheekily and he shook his head, with an amused smile on his lips as she shrugged. “I am no philosopher, sometimes I just follow my thoughts until they unravel haphazardly.”

“I do so enjoy the unravelling of your thoughts and trying to keep up with them.”

She truly wished she could share the full truth with him, but nothing good would come from confessing that her biggest regret had been delaying action because she had considered everyone else’s feelings and the consequences that revealing the truth would bring upon them, and that this delay had probably caused more pain and irreversible damages than having outright hurt everyone much earlier.

That night they said goodnight in the shared space between their rooms. She decided to take him up on his word to wait. Her heart was still fighting a losing battle and the rest of her wanted to give it a respite. She told herself she needed to rest.

Alone in that strange bed, in that strange room her thoughts drifted to Colin, and she allowed it because she needed to exhaust the thoughts that led her to him time and time again. It was absurd that every time her husband touched her, kissed her, and whenever she felt a spark light up for him, she felt guilty. Every time she felt closer to him, she felt as if she were betraying Colin. How could the mere shadow of something that was never a reality, not even a possibility, be wedging itself into her marriage?

Maybe in another life they would find each other again, make all the right decisions and be able to avoid all of the heartbreak they had brought upon each other. But meanwhile, she needed to make the best of this life. So far it had started well, she could see herself being content, maybe even happy in that house, with her kind husband.

She would be alone for long periods of time, but she was used to being on her own, and London was not that far away if she felt the overwhelming need to see anyone. She would be there for the social season at least, as a respectable lady. She had been repeating all of these facts to herself for over a month now.

But try as she might, she couldn’t stop thinking back to the night when she almost let her heart overrule her mind completely. She almost said yes to his desperate plea; he would divorce, they could get married and live somewhere else, far from the ton, far from everything they held dear but themselves, where it wouldn’t matter. She had been stunned. Even after they had kissed, so many months ago, she had never expected Colin to actually believe himself in love with her. It was a scene taken out of her most outrageous fantasies and she was caught completely by surprise.

It had been merely a week before. He had figured out which one was her window and thrown pebbles at it until she noticed him and came down. She had gone to meet him at the back entrance, through the kitchen in the middle of the night. It was madness, anyone could have seen them, in fact she wasn’t sure no-one had, but if they had, they chose to keep silent. She wondered if Eloise had told him that was how she used to get her to come out, but she doubted Eloise would have given that up to Colin.

“Are you out of your mind? What on earth are you doing here at this hour?” She had spatted in a low voice as she lead him to the garden, where the trees might offer better protection against anyone taking a peek through a window.

“Yes! Yes, I am out of my mind, Pen. I have been for a long time now. But in this moment, I’m sure I’ve never been more sane. I’ve come to beg of you, please do not marry him” His thumbs rubbed anxiously against his loosely clenched fingers, his face looked sick with dread.

“Oh, of course! Anything for you, Colin. Will that be all?” She said throwing her head back, furiously sarcastic.

“Do not mock me, please.” He instinctually moved his right hand to his chest, as if to protect his aching heart “I am serious. Marry me!”

“What? Have you been drinking?” She looked at him searchingly for signs of intoxication, while he shook his head. Her expression of disbelief clearly crushing him, she continued “You are already married! To my cousin!”

“I’ll divorce her! I love you, Pen” He took a large step towards her and took her hands in his, his next words soft but urgent, his face pleading “I do, I love you completely, with every fibre of my being, every part of my soul. Every thought, every dream and step I take, it’s all for you. I have been trying in vain to fill this void inside myself, but I understand now, that I will never be complete without you” He reached out to touch her face, his big palm cradling her face, feeling her warmth and trying to assuage the fear showing so clearly in her eyes. “I’ll divorce her and then we can… you and me can marry and go live somewhere very far away, where it won’t matter”

And as mad as it was she hesitated for the longest second, she had allowed herself to get lost in his eyes. He took full advantage of that hesitation to kiss her ardently, desperately and not only did she let him, she gave in completely, even as her good sense started to come in, she just told herself this would be the last time, their final farewell and then she would close his chapter in her story completely, but first she would commit to memory his taste, and the silkiness of his hair as she ran her fingers through it, the warmth and scent of him. They were in each other arms, him pressing her against the trunk of a tree. It seemed as if he knew her mind, for he did allow very little space to breathe, as if he feared that as soon as she were able to speak again, this feverish dream of his would be over for good, all hope gone forever.

When he finally parted his lips from hers and pressed their forehead against each other’s, his hands cupping her face, looking deeply into her eyes searchingly, she still found herself faltering. She had a lump in her throat and she found she was already crying, his thumb tenderly wiping away a tear streak. She just shook her head slowly, a sharp pain filling her heart as she saw his eyes were overflowing with tears as well, as he took a step back.

“I’m sorry. I know--” He tilted his head and closed his eyes, trying to regain his voice “I cannot ask you, I wouldn’t want you to disgrace yourself for me. But I had to.” His voice was broken, as he shrugged “I didn’t expect a different answer, but I had to. Forgive me.”

She nodded. “Colin, I will always--” He prevented her from admitting something that he already knew to be true in his heart, but he felt it would only destroy him hearing the confirmation from her lips.

“Please, don’t” he went back for one last soft kiss “good night, Pen” in a couple of quick steps he was out of her sight.

She never thought having Colin confess his love for her could hurt so much.

Chapter 17 -- Tumblr "clean" version

Chapter 17 -- in AO3 includes an explicit sex scene.

If you read it in AO3, please let me know if you think the sex scene is unnecesary. It is the first time I write one, I was feeling bold but I am unsure of it now. I took it down from Tumblr because it gave me the impression it either bombed or it was not showing up on people's feeds.

[aita-blorbos]

Am I The Binhole (AITB) for Delaying the System Update?

Ah, jeez, this is gonna be hard to keep anonymous from Management… Okay, so, I (It/Its, 1605.99999999708 battery cycles) am the boss of our User’s System (She/Her, I think around 17,520 battery cycles? Eh, 20-ish years to you humans). My job is to, essentially, make sure everything is running as it should - Apps and Processes operating under standard protocol, sending error reports, keeping places (mostly) clutter-free. Stuff like that. And I’ve been doing a great job! Sure, I’ve heard complaints about understaffing or the data-coffee shortage and all that. And sure, the User has been getting more irritable with the System during the User Shows, but-but-but-but I would say I’ve been doing a great job! Considering how 8 left things, I’ve made the System better!

Now, recently, there was a new program added to the System. (It/Its, bless it, hardly even half a battery cycle old!) Unfortunately, this program is the Update Assistant. And this isn’t a minor update, no no no. This is the 10.1.1 Update. This Update promises vague and quite frankly unrealistic changes like restocking data-coffee, fixing broken infrastructure, shorter RAM wait times, self-cleaning pipes (yeah I’d love to see that). “Oh! But Boss!” I hear you saying, “That all sounds great! What could be the problem?” Simple. Should this Update go through I will be deleted. Tossed in the Bin to, as the humans put it, die. I certainly don’t want that, and I know my User wouldn’t so callously throw me away like that (even if She might not even know I exist).

My initial plan was to hold the Update Assistant in my office. Yes, yes, I know, I’m not supposed to let anyone in my office but it was the best I could think of on such short notice. And, hey, if anything, this was a blessing to the little program! Once the Update finished, it would be deleted too and that’s just not fair. Y’know, to live for at most a whole 5 nanominutes before poof! Deleted. Erased. Gone without so much as anyone to learn your Signature. Why, it even came up with its own personal Signature, which we’ll shorten to E for anonymity’s sake. Anyway, I was rummaging through some boxes, trying to be an accommodating host, when I pulled out a file I couldn’t read (datamn I really should get glasses). E read it out and it was the Emergency Backup process I programmed a while back just in case of this very scenario. If an Update Assistant read the backdoor aloud, I would be backed up in the file. Yeah, not stellar. Didn’t exactly plan for this to happen right now, but we weren’t at the end of the world yet.

E was just about to go through with the Update but, thanks to Administrative Privileges, I could type on the walls to tell them to stop the download. I then led them to the Bin where my Backup File was thrown. Now, since my body has decided to vanish, I’m stuck as a VO hitching a ride on E. We’ve been traveling all over the System, causing as many errors as we can, since that’ll hopefully delay the Update even further. But, as we’ve been on our little buddy road-trip, I’ve been seeing more and more how much disrepair the System’s fallen into. I mean, good User, the Battery Lab is practically a death trap! And there’s the Resistance running around, slandering the good name of our User. I still don’t think the Update will really solve anything, but I get the feeling E might be considering starting the Update again. For the ‘greater good’, whatever that means.

But continuing the Update now would be mental, right? It’s suicide! So what if a few Apps and Processes get hurt the longer we delay things? It’s my and E’s lives on the line here! E, the poor thing, would barely get to live a life if it wasn’t for me helping it stop the Update. I don’t want it to just get deleted - and, obviously, me neither. But… I just don’t know what else to do.

So! AITB (or is it AITA, but what does the second A stand for? I’ll have to look it up.)

[melanieph321]

Gabriel Medina x Reader - Untamable Part 7/8

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

Reader spends the summer with her first love, Gabriel Medina, for him to get a chance to know their three year old son. However, both Reader and Gabriel struggle to keep their feelings at bay.

Enjoy 💞

For some reason, this summer felt warmer than the previous, more peaceful than the previous and ultimately happier than the previous. Even when it rained, the heat lingered in the air as a solemn comfort that your family was whole again.

"Gammy, gammy, look at me!"

"I'm looking baby, I'm looking."

Because you didn't stay with her anymore, Vovó frequently made the effort to come to Maresias and watch Nemo surf the whitewash. She was his biggest cheerleader just like she had been yours.

"He's getting better." She said, tilting her body until nudging yours. The two of you sat on a blanket on the beach, your toes digging deep into the warm sand.

"It's getting impossible to keep him away."

Nemo was definitely finding his attachment to the water, his strongest resemblance to his dad. That and his untamable hair, now growing way past the nape of his neck.

"Are you worried?"

"No." You smiled. The sight of your son failing to find the balance on his surfboard, tumbling head first into the shallow water, would have left you livid not too long ago. Now it amused you. "He's in safe hands."

Nemo got back up on his board with the help of Gabriel and his sister Sophia. They helped him align himself with the next wave, pushing him into it, cheering for him as he successfully got back up on his feet.

Vovó turned to you. Another question in her restful expression. There was a tug of your heart as you took her in, her age, revealed through the numerous creases and wrinkles on her forhead and around her eyes. She will be leaving you soon. Everyone eventually leaves you.

"I have no doubt that Gabriel have your best interests at heart...."

Your eyes fell to where Vovó had gone to rest her hand over yours. "But not everyone from his side of the family does."

"I know." You nodded. But Gabriel would never let his mother come between us again. He even said so himself."

Vovó made a sound, a murmur deep down in her throat, that you could only be interpreted as skepticism.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing." She shirped, her lips pouting.

"Vovó. If you have something to say, say it."

Her chest rose when she sighed. "I sense a storm coming."

"A storm? Really Vovó?"

"Yes, a storm. In the name of that old hag."

You rolled your eyes.

"I mean it, querida. I worry for my grandchild and my little fish." Her smile made the seriousness of her words fade as your attention drew back to the water where Nemo and Sophia continued playing.

Perhaps Vovó was right. Maybe Gabriel's mother would come for you again. However, what was the worry, when this time Gabriel would be on your side?

********************************************

"You gold digging bitch!"

As predicted, Gabriel's mother rentered your life in dramatic fashion. "If you don't get your gold digging self out of my son's house, I'll make sure to get rid of you myself...... "

"Mamãe!" Gabriel and Sophia hissed in unison. "Please, stop it."

While Gabriel took you and Nemo aside Sophia, step forward, a magnitude of guilt displayed on her face. Her mother's discovery of the rekindle of your relationship with Gabriel's happened through the mouths of Sophia's friends. Up until that, Sophia had snuck to visit her brother without telling her parents that you had moved in with him.

Nevertheless all good things came to an end.

"Listen to me Gaby. She is using you! She and her shamless family have been plotting against you for years!"

Sophia held her back. "Mamãe, you're embarrassing yourself."

"For years!"

She was blocked out of your view by Gabriel, who placed his hands on your shoulders, his eyebrows furrowed, expressing his worry for you. "I'll get rid of her. I promise."

"Okay." You squealed. Nemo clung to your neck, sensing your distress. You had no clue on how to explain that the crazy woman yelling at you was his grandmother.

"Mamãe, please." Sophia pleaded, struggling to get her mother to leave the house with her. She wouldn't budge, at least not until she had spoken to Gabriel.

"Have you no shame?" He said, fuming as he approached his mother. "You barge into my home, causing a scene by threatening my wife."

"Please Gabriel, you don't know about her. She's only using you for child support. Look, I have proof."

"I said quit it, mom." He watched as she fumbled for something in her purse, a copy of a document. "Once and for all, won't you just give it a rest. Y/N is the mother of my child. Of course, I'm gonna pay her child support."

"But you don't have to. At least not for the past six months."

"What?"

She held up the document as if it was a holy scripture meant to cast out the demon in their life. "She has a fiance, and it says so right here."

Gabriel fell silent, casting a swift glance at the document before slowly turning to you. "Y/N, is this true?"

"Don't bother asking her for the truth querido. Everything that comes out of that bitch mouth is a lie."

"Mom."

"Oh shut up Sophia."

Your heart pounded in your chest, caught between a fairytale and a nightmare all the same. However, the only thing that mattered was the truth. You could see it in Gabriel's eyes, demanding answers from you.

"The private investigator I hired tells me that Y/N here is soon to be married to one Dr. Victor Nuñes, ain't that right?"

"I..." It doesn't matter. Nothing you said mattered because the look on Gabriel's face, the pure tournament, told you who's word he believed.

And just like that, summer came to an end, and so did your fairytale.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

[slytherintrikru]

|| It Wasn’t A Dream ||

— Part 1 —

Pairing: Severus Snape x gryffindor!student!reader (she’s of age) 

Word count: 1904

Warnings: anxiety, angst, crush, older man/younger woman, she is of age, cuss words, pet names, an OOC Severus?, SFW (if I missed anything please let me now)

Summary: Y/N couldn’t stop daydreaming about her potions professor so she did what any insane person would do. She went and confessed her feelings to him. Will he accept her feelings and return them back? Or will he reject her? Read to find out. (SHE���S OF AGE)

Requested: by no one this is my idea 

A/N: hi- I’m a new writer and this is my first post one-shot on tumblr (I already posted this on Ao3). I know this probably sucks because I have a hard time to write what I imagine and feel but I hope you like it. Please give tips and feedback no matter what it is so I can make my writing better. Also in this hogwarts has 8 years of hogwarts and the reader is 18 almost 19 years old.

| Masterlist |

| Navigation |

Y/N sat at their desk, surrounded by textbooks and notes, in her warm and cozy Gryffindor common room,

but their mind was miles away. Thoughts of Severus Snape consumed her every waking moment, her heart yearning to confess the feelings she harbored. Frustration and self-loathing gnawed at them, for he was her potions professor and Y/N is his student, despite being of age. The internal battle waged on, distracting Y/N from her studies, leaving Y/N torn between desire and the constraints of her forbidden affection. 

Y/N's feelings for Severus had deepened, fueled by the pivotal moment when she saved him from the clutches of Voldemort and Nagini. The intensity of that experience had only strengthened the bond between them in her heart. Her and Severus had became closer since. Yet, the weight of Lily's memory lingered, casting a shadow of doubt within her. She yearned to express her emotions, to confess her love, but the fear of Severus's lingering affection for Lily, even in death, held her back. The unspoken words weighed heavily on her soul as she grappled with the ache of unrequited love. Or at least that’s what she thought it was and made herself believe it was true.

Besides who would want her, she’s just a filthy mudblood, just like Draco said. Severus could find someone better.

Yes, Y/N and Severus are friends which could come off as strange to everyone else considering he is her professor and she was his student but that didn’t stop her from hanging out with him. Even though she did get bullied and got hexed by slytherin’s for taking away ‘their’ professor for her being friends with him many times. Y/N still ignored them. She would go to his class just to talk to him after a long day of work and most of the time they wouldn’t talk at all. The times they weren’t talking she would take time to admire him, how he would concentrate on his work, and how his eyes would shine a bit when he saw his slytherins got answers right. She loves how much he cares for his slytherins even though some may think he’s heartless, cruel, & vicious, deep down he’s caring and kind.

She couldn’t take it anymore; her feeling was getting too much for her; she needed to tell him. She needs to at least know she tried and to know that he knew her true feelings. She huffed softly and quickly got up from her comfortable chair, she didn’t really have a plan on how to do this and she didn’t think of how he would react. She just knew that if she kept her emotions in any longer she would burst. Her feelings for him felt more powerful than any sort of magic that it took over her whole body. Making her forget how idiotic with what she was doing is.

Leaving the warmth of her Gryffindor common behind, Y/N embarked on a mission through the corridors of Hogwarts castle. She walks fast through the dimly lit halls, each step echoed in the silence making her palms sweat ferociously as her hair blows in the wind. Y/N’s heart race as she heads towards the cold dungeons towards his potions class. Her anxiety increases by the second.

With every turn and staircase descent, her heart raced a little faster. The weight of anticipation settled heavily on her shoulders, and the air felt thick with trepidation. Thoughts of Severus Snape's strict demeanor and piercing gaze occupied their mind, intensifying their nervousness. Then thoughts of his soft, kind, & more gentle side filled her brain. She didn’t know what he would say to her after she confesses her feelings. Y/N just hopes he won’t reject her.

As she reaches the dungeon halls, the corridor grew colder and darker, her steps slows dowm. As if her body and brain finally realized what she was about to do and how everything could go wrong in a few seconds. Y/N could hear the paintings on the wall’s whispering to each other. Making her feel as if they are talking about her which caused her mind to panic more.

The flickering torchlight cast eerie shadows on the walls, making the journey feel like a solitary quest through a labyrinth of uncertainty. Each unfamiliar door they passed only heightened their unease, until finally, they stood before the entrance to Snape's potion’s class.

She looks nervously around, making sure no one is near her or his room. After she saw no one, she stood there for a while anticipating her moves. Gathering the little courage she had left, Y/N raises her trembling, sweaty hand and knocked hard on the door. The sound of the knocks echo through the cold, partly lit silent of the dungeons. It was in that moment her mind was screaming for her to stop and leave. 

But she didn’t have a chance to. The form of Severus’ appears as he opens his potions class door, revealing his stern face. When he saw it was Y/N his facial expression changed to a soft, exciting look, and a hint of another emotion.

What am I doing here? I shouldn't have come, why am I here? This is stupid— her thoughts had stopped when she heard him speak.

Y/N looks at him, his soft expression made her melt. “Ms. Y/L/N? What do you want?” He asked

“C-Can I come in?” She asked, he looked at her with confusion before moving aside allowing her to enter. She slowly walked in as if he would snap at her and tell her to leave at any moment. After she made it in he slammed the door causing her to jump.

“To what do I owe you the pleasure of having you bother me on a Saturday?” He jokingly questioned. She saw that hint of emotion in his eyes before going away completely. She felt her cheeks turn red as she blushed at him. Severus smirks at that. 

“I need to tell you something, it’s important. I know that it will probably not end well. I want you to know before I say anything that, I apologize. I have enjoyed being your friend for all those few years so much so that you are one of the reasons I decided to come back for my 8th year here. I know you probably will think I’m crazy-“ before she had the chance of finishing he cut her off.

“Would you stop the rambling for Merlin’s sake? Go on, tell me what you want to say.” He hissed playfully and she could have swore she saw a smile, not a smirk, a normal happy smile. Which was rare for him to do.

“Ok here it goes… I like you and not just as a friend. After the war my feelings for you have grown into something more and I know you probably don’t care. That I may be nothing more than just a dunderhead-“ before she could finish he grabbed her face and he kissed her. Y/N  felt lips, not just any lips, his lips, on hers. It took her a few seconds to comprehend what was really happening, as if it wasn’t really happening. As if it was all a dream.

Sure enough she slowly came to her senses as she did, she knew it was real. Y/N kissed back almost immediately when she realized it wasn’t a dream. She felt his hands move from her face and make their way down to wrap around her waist. She wrapped her arms around him back, taking in and feeling everything. This felt almost like a dream, the way his lips were moving against hers, but it wasn’t a dream. It was as if she was on cloud nine and she never wanted to return to earth.

The kiss lasted for a few minutes before they finally pulled away panting as they were out of breath. She slowly opened her eyes and saw his dark brown eyes staring at her with that same emotion she saw after she walked in. She knew that look anywhere, it was the same look she has when she looks at him. The look of love. How didn’t she notice that before?

“That was- that was…fucking amazing.” Y/N whispered, as she stuttered a bit, her cheeks were as red as a tomato. She didn’t want this to end. She wished she could fill this way for a lifetime. Just her and him together. Forever.

“It truly was, my little love.” Severus murmured back while looking in adoration at her. If it hadn’t been for how close he was holding her and her hands in his hair he could’ve sworn it was all a dream. “I like you more than a friend as well. I have for a while now, I just didn’t know how to tell you. I thought you’d reject me so I just ignored my feelings.” 

“Oh my Prince, I would never reject you, I’ve liked you for years, Severus. The last couple of years, especially last year when I saved you, my feelings have grown stronger.” She said with honesty, he looked at her trying to see if she was lying or if there was any dishonesty in what she said but he couldn’t find it. Instead he saw the same look he has on his face right now, which was love.

They looked at each other for what felt like ages and then Y/N leaned in to kiss him again, he happily accepted and kissed her back. This kiss was much more intense than the last. They kissed as if at any moment one of them would disappear and be gone forever. Y/N tugged at his hair, Severus groaned at that and held her tighter. His hands swiftly began to make their way from her back to her ass, squeezing gently. Y/N moaned but then Severus pulled away causing her to whine at the loss of connection. Severus smiled at her.

“I want our first time to be special. I want it to be in a place where you and I are both comfortable, not worrying about who will walk in. So I’ll be able to take my time with you.” He said, creasing her face softly while looking at her beautiful E/C eyes as he continued. “Let’s wait ok, darling.”

She was a bit disappointed but she knew he was right, she also wanted her first time to be special. “Ok.” She whispered. “I guess I’ll go back to my common room, I need to study for my NEWTS. I’ll see you later Sev.” 

She kissed him one last time before turning away to head back to the Gryffindor tower. Before she could take another step she felt a hand, it was his hand, grabbing her. She turned to look at him. 

He kisses Y/N softly once more and than lets her go.

Y/N smiled in return and flustered at him kissing her again, “I’ll see you later, Sev.” She muttered, he smiled back. She then made her way to the door, opened it and left for her common room with a huge smile across her face. I can’t believe that just happened, she thought. Tonight was the best night I ever had in a while.

—

Part 2

[protobrieile]

just finished the human fear. screams in retired 2017/18 franzdom. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

my own amateur "review" below

audacious - dislike. gave me an awful first impression, to the point at which i didn't listen to any of the other singles until just now. lyrics are like, performatively self-aware in an offputting way and the composition is bland af. also just feels like a weird attempt at trying to redo early franz without the inherent cynicism which just. functionally is impossible to do well i think

2. everydaydreamer - this one i liked pretty well, both lyrically and compositionally. this feels like a good balance between pre- and post-nick ff sound imo. it reminds me thematically of The Universe Expanded and Dream Again and feels like the healthiest nick-grieving song he's ever put out. which is unfortunate bc that was very nearly an entire decade ago but oh well. still good tho

3. the doctor - this is the first of a few songs on this album that i feel like would sound fine if any other band did it but feels weirdly attention-reaching since it's them. SPEAKING OF ATTENTION I DONT LIKE THE LYRICS AT ALL. This is definitely the most grossly self-aware/acknowledging song imo. don't like it

4. hooked - i could name half a dozen songs by other artists in my library compositionally similar to this one. i like the style but it sounds, again, weird coming from them. lyrically though i think it's pretty dull and the chorus.... eughhh. alex is too old to make it feel like anything other than an awkward "back in my day magazines called me a sex symbol" ordeal.

5. build it up - HAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA the funny thing about this song is that they've been playing it for so long that it only just now being officially released just. REALLY emphasizes the fact that alex will never get over nick leaving even more LOL. Good song though, not my fav stylistically but fine

6. night or day - this must be my favorite single but that's not really saying much lol. it's fine. doesn't sound tooooo totally derivative of older stuff which helps.

7. tell me i should stay - Ok I LOVE this one. The piano interlude is v nice. The style and chord progression is also v nice. Alex's voice sounds the best it has in years (imo). the chorus key change really sets this one apart from the others and it feels WAYYYY more exciting and natural than the one in audacious. I love the guitar riffing and the tempo changes. This is EASILY my favorite off the album and honestly will probably rank in the upper quarter of their songs overall for me. If they go and make a whole album like this i will forgive alex for his transgressions against humanity

8. cats - this is another one that feels like a good balance of older and newer ff sound. i really like the "take it outside" refrain compositionally and am a bit of a sucker for the vocal style he takes on the second verse LOL. lyrically i think it is Interesting, especially the switch between "you" and "we" pronouns. i will likely be analyzing this one in the future heheheh.

9. black eyelashes - sorry not sorry but the folk-ish style reminds me of das lunsentrio. also the usage of greek words is interesting. apparently the bridge translates to "you are not greek/no, you're not talking/why? why aren't you talking?" Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. hmm,,,,, hm. Interesting. overall this one is pretty fun tho i like it lol

10. bar lonely - this one feels a little compositionally derivative of their early stuff imo but not to an extent that i feel ruins it. the lyrics kinda remind me of YCHISMB b-side era stuff, especially the vague progression of the curtain metaphor (i guess it reminds me of uh. that one supposedly about his grandpa idr what it's called lol). it is ok imo.

11. the birds - OK I LIKE THIS ONE A LOT. I love the style of it. I love the chaos that abruptly realigns into the almost factory-like riff structure. the lyrics are fine and i would like them better if they didn't end with "thank you for accepting me" but it's the composition that sells this one for me. Kinda weird for a closer tho tbh

I am glad I can say that this album exceeded my expectations and didn't end up being nearly as compositionally derivative of franz 1.0 stuff or as agonizingly self-appraising and emotionally deflective as I thought it would be after hearing the lead single. Most of the first half gives me this impression of "very adamantly trying to paint a certain image" that feels kinda gross but beyond that there is definitely a good amount of artistry and I personally find it to be much more open-minded and creative than AA ever was. it's clear that AK has grown over the years and honestly i'm surprised (for better or worse) to see there really aren't any obvious digs at any of the former members given past patterns. But i'm very glad that's the case lol. I hope they can continue to ride this wave as a group bc there's definitely a lot of good potential for some really fantastic works of art within its current form.

[bluephoenixdruidicprincess]

I know, long time no post from me. But I'm here for my bi-annual gushing of something that probably none of my current followers care about.

So I get about 12 days off during Dec from work for the winter holidays and it's always a struggle trying to figure out what I'm going to do for 12 days in a row. This year, since it's been about 5 years or so since I've done one, I decided to have a Psych TV show marathon. So I dug through my boxes of DVDs that I had long since put away since streaming became a thing and found my Psych DVDs and commenced with my marathon. Having a Psych marathon using their DVD collection is the ONLY way if you ask me. Yes, I can stream Psych but then you don't get the added benefit of listening to the commentaries on the DVDs which are fantastic, seriously, the commentaries for Psych are some of the best commentaries I've ever listened to (Leverage is also up there).

So I spent my 12 days watching every season, every commentary, every deleted scene, all 3 movies and I think no matter how old I get, the magic of Psych will never disappear for me. They can keep on making the movies and I will support them all the way. It turns out, Psych was exactly what I needed to get me out of this year long depression funk I've been in. I feel so rejuvenated and alive.

The best takeaway I always get from Psych is that it's hard to "adult" sometimes, and when life starts turning into that, it's ok to be a kid again, open yourself up to that childhood innocence again. That's what Shawn Spencer teaches us throughout the series, you may physically grow into an adult but you can still keep the child in you alive. And we see that with all the other characters too. When we first meet everyone in the pilot, everyone but Shawn is just very serious and very adult and then as the show goes on, their eccentricities start coming out more as if Shawn is bringing that out in them. If this were one of those feel good animes, the show would most certainly have ended with all the characters talking about how Shawn Spencer changed their lives for the better, by being very child like in his exuberance to solve crime, he's made everyone around him happier and living the best version of their lives. Not exactly what happened at the end of the series, but the implication definitely is there. And I love that the show ends with Shawn going off to San Francisco to be with Juliet thinking he has to be a grown up now because Shawn has no self esteem and feels like he's holding everyone back and Gus comes in and tells him, "no way, no how", what they've been doing for the past 8 years is exactly what needed to happen and he wouldn't change it for anything. So the show in the beginning has such a great dichotomy of the grown man who never grew up teaching everyone around him to embrace their inner child to at the end, telling himself he needs to grow up, that hes holding everyone back with his childlike nonsense but his best friend in the world telling him that he doesn't have to give that up and let's just keep doing it because this is who we were meant to be.

The show is so great. It's wacky and funny, and occasionally smart, and there are some fantastic bits of really emotional moments that get me every time (I'm talking to you Daredevil episode). I will watch this show every few years, go through the show about 3 times in its entirety during every rewatch because I just can't get enough of it. It reminds me it's never too late to follow through on your childhood dreams just because you became an adult.

The line from the theme song will always reverberate through my psyche: I'm not inclined to resign to maturity.