#i wish people would learn what fucking empathy is before they start posting these ignorant ass comments.

[fishysos]

Oh wow appalachia has been hit with flooding, I can't wait to see people say we deserved it because we're red states.

(nvm bc I've already seen fucking plenty)

[deliriously-drawing]

Hello Anon! Sorry about the super late replay! (´～｀ヾ) I’m going to assume when you say you want to know more about the 2p world you were referencing the post where I said I need to create a whole post about how 2p toonz and 1p toonz are “Angels” and “Demons”

But before I dive into that let me answer the second part. Yes I’m positive 2p boys have their own names since some awesome peeps here on tumblr have told me them when I have asked before but I can’t remember all of them of the top of my head.

I do remember is that 2p Wildcat has the name Zipcat (ﾟヮﾟ) the rest of the boys I don’t remember (´～｀ヾ)

I tend to just refer them to their original names because I kept forgetting what names the Fandom would use when referring to the 2p boys lol

So! As much as it would be funny if Cartoonz was a legit Demon/Angel in the 1p/2p world my brain wanted like a more Syfy element to explain why certain people have abilities that range from physical skills and to what other may consider supernatural.

So! In my headcanon on how exactly these two exist can possibly exist in the gang au that is like the main setting for 1p/2p these two are actually Aliens…. Yes aliens. Let me explain.

This isn’t meant to be like a slander of religion or what not, I just thought it’ll be a cool idea that your traditional alien and demon were actually aliens.

In the 1p/2p world humanity was created by two different Alien species fucking around on a planet and wanting too see what will happen if they created a creature made in their image but without any of their abilities. Hence the birth of humans, those humans called the species that had red skin, horns and tails Daimōn meaning “spiritual being that influences a person’s character.” And for those with blue skin, wings and a hallow they called them Angelus meaning “a messenger , those who are guardians.”

They called them this because at the beginning the Daimons would be the ones trying to influence the new species to explore new things, feel new emotions and experience others to observe how they would react to certain circumstance.

While the Angelus would be the ones to set certain standards, make them question their actions and to look at the results, try to make them think before they act. And helped them with any problems that might pop up.

At the beginning both these specifics of aliens worked together but over time they started to argue with each other for having different view on which direction to lead this new species. In the end it started a fight and humans caught in the middle. Over time humanity view on Daimons shifted to view them as pure evil becuase they blamed their actions on them. “They’re the ones who encouraged me to follow my desire, they’re the ones who said to ignore what other say and do what I wished. It’s thier fault for the fighting, it’s their fault for the temptations” and they view Angelus as their savior “they helped me with my problems, if I devote myself they will help me be safe, if I follow certain rules I shall prosper, they saved us from the fighting”

Both species of aliens eventually stopped fighting and agreed to leave humans be and check back every 100 years to check on their progress of things but to not interfere.

but this rule was broken by a select few who wanted to poke at humanity to see how they react.

In the case of 1p Cartoonz who is a Daimon (Demon) he was at earth watching how humans could be kind one second and vicious the next. He actually stumbled across Delirious who was a thief and a small time gangster fighting to feed himself but got caught in a bigger gang scheme and ended up being shot and dumped in an alleyway for dead. Cartoonz made a deal with him because he wanted to see what will happen if an ordinary human who got double crossed and thrown under the bus had abilities of the supernatural kind.

In the case of 2p Cartoonz who is a Angelus (Angel) he was sent to earth by his council to bond with a baby to learn how to experience Empathy and Remorse because unfortunately for 2p Cartoonz and his society he was born with traits of a psychopath who could not understand or feel empathy, guilt or love towards another. So bonding with a baby would help him experience these emotions from new born to adult hood. Of course 2p Cartoonz hated this idea and when he heard stories about 2p delirious who others called a lifeless machine, an emotionless attacked dog, he decided to create a bond with him because it would be far more exciting than following a baby around being an invisible figure who couldn’t interact with anything or anyone.

the rest is history lol. Of course this information is subject to change if I feel that some details need to be changed but overall this is the setting in regards to demons and angels for me.

[salt-volk]

i've never had much energy for typing paragraphs, ngl, so i'ma try to keep this short and not accidentally say something stupid. first of all, i appreciate your sincerity... buuut your condescension could use some work. for you to assume me ignorant, which is itself out of ignorance, is pretty hypocritical of you, especially while you are condemning the same ignorance in your post. "marginalized people" as if i don't know? you don't know my life, homie, you have no clue what kind of 'oppression' and 'marginalization' i've experienced.

you're not gonna agree with me on this i'm sure, but throwing around the term 'dogwhistle' on the internet is the dumbest shit. to ASSUME someone is a crackhead extremist without any REAL evidence is MESSED UP. you wanna ostracize and condemn someone for making a pop-culture reference when you yourself didn't originally know what people were upset about either? bruh. that type of shit can fuck someone up. why not... i don't know, ASK if you're curious???

it is important to deal with bad people i.e. murderers, ACTUAL REAL pedos, abusers, etc. that's the point of a justice system, but the jumping to conclusions like this is insane. not cool. it's like the 'that escalated quickly' meme, except you're fucking with peoples' self worth and in some cases their livelihood.

i didn't accuse anyone of anything, i'm making an observation. it was poorly worded, but man. i am. tired. are you SERIOUSLY telling me that someone going behind my back and starting shit about me is a victim? dude. what. the fact that you can even entertain that thought is insane to me.

been here before, this is online bullying. i don't care how you justify it, it is what it is AND i know i'm not the only one. that's why i messaged you, not to "defend myself". right now, i'm messaging you kinda hoping you might take your own advice and LISTEN. society as a whole uses cancel culture as a crutch and it's fucked up. you gotta stop. you ARE NOT PROTECTING ANYONE. you are hurting people.

-which leads into your next point. yeah, you guys are attacking me. i say "you guys" because YOU did participate. i can feel the judgement from AAAALL THE WAY over here. and... then you go and ASSUME i must have 'responded' to something in some way that warranted this? i grew up in abuse, this is too fucking familiar. don't do this shit. what you are promoting is not self awareness, it is mob mentality and bullying.

i like the matrix. what the fuck. i never imagined anyone would notice the little note i left for myself on my page, nevermind the drama. it's disgusting and pathetic, do you guys not have hobbies? we could've had a moment of appreciating a cool movie, but instead it turned into a mini online struggle session. tl;dr you gang up on someone, accuse them of some crazy shit, and then avoid responsibility by framing yourselves as victims in your own minds. you assume that anyone who doesn't conform to your standards of behavior is not worth kindness. this is not what 'community' is supposed to be like. i'm not "open to learning" about the sick ways that people justify this behavior and i do not care who i ideologically offended. please, grow a spine or better yet some real empathy.

nvm keeping it short, i guess i failed. oh well. i'm not prepared for anyone to WANT to have a reasonable conversation. i'd be delighted for you to prove me wrong. there's a character limit on asks, so i'm putting this in submissions. feel free to msg me on dv where i am contractually obligated to not curse

i didn't see that there were so many replies to the first thing i sent. i wish all of you could understand the gravity of what you're doing. to the mod, i hope you are doing ok despite all the drama and sudden political bullshit. what you wrote me was difficult to read and i stand by the submission i sent, but i really wish you the best. i liked the chicken ask, that was funny.

[popculturebuffet]

Amphibia Reviews: The First Temple or Bessie and Joe: The New OTP

Hello all you happy people! Amphibia season 2 moves right a long and it’s time for some video game shenanigans as we enter The First Temple! Family drama, snail on bird action, and outhouses await you under the cut with a recap/review with full spoilers. 

So we open with the Plantars having chocopillbug pancakes. Ironically my mom offered me chocolate chip pancakes after this and thank god for that. This is a rare treat to the point Anne didn’t even know they had choclate, and is suprisingly not strangling Hop Pop over this. Unsuprisingly he broke out the good stuff to try and make up for hiding the box and things are still VERY awkward between the two, with Hop Pop walking on Egghshells around Anne and Anne doing the same when he brings it up with both desperatley trying to avoid the subject and Sprig not helping by bringing it up a bunch. 

I like this a lot and didn’t really think about the series continuting any tension over his decision.. but should have. Partly because this is a modern animated show and most of this wonderful new wave of shows have a LOT of emotional nuance. ANd partly because this show dosen’t forget things even most nuanced shows forget: the fact the characters cause chaos and learn life lesons is outright RECOGNZIED by the show as a pattern and brought up quite often, as are the patterns that lead to it, like mostly being sprig and anne, anne’s impulsivness that sort of thing. It’s the kind of thing you just gloss over in most shows but this one lampshades to hell and back for funsies so when something THIS important happens, you’d better belivie it’s not just going to disappear. 

The tensions thankfully broken by a new arrival, as a massive sparrow shows up in the yard. “It’s a giant bird with.. books on it’s back.. what. “ Great delivery from bill there. Naturally it’s Marcy! 

I missed this little goober. Such a joy to be around, and she of course marvels over the Plantar’s house before getting back on track: She’s found the first temple.. even though she sent a letter saying that and it’s not commented on that she did. It set off the whole previous episode Marcy... you okay Mar-Mar?

That aside though it’s time for the first temple and Marcy asks for the Box, with Sprig trying to make a joke about how good thing she didn’t ask for it a week ago. 

Polly rightly punches him in the ribs... do frogs have ribs? Hold on.. okay here we go

Huh.. so they do not You learn something new every day. Well lack of ribs or no our heroes are ready.. while Marcy’s sparrow Joe is also ready TO GET IT ON. Yes really, he does a mating dance for Bessie, complete with an intersumental version of “Sylvia” from last season. God damn that bird’s got game. The only time i’ve seen more game is THIS. 

 Marcy tells him to knock it off. Look marcy your a pet owner now and as a pet owner, it’s your responsiblity.. to let your giant bird do horrifying things with a slightly smaller but still giant snail. it’s what nature intended. Nature was doing a lot of cocaine that day but we still honor her wishes. 

But anyways Marcy’s figure out something intresting about the box.. by winding it just right the gems pop out, which allows her to take one, we later find out it’s the green one, to use in the temple. So off we go with Marcy and the rest of the kids up top and Hop Pop.. screaming in Joe Sparrows claws. He’s fine. 

So while they get ready, Anne worries about the amount of puzzles and hazzards Marcy’s hyping for this but Marcy shurgs it off and gives her own big boast about how may RTS she’s beaten.. suspciously like Yuaan as one post on here pointed out. Not a huge suprise though, to Marcy she’d just be the grand hero out of one of her rpg’s and not think of how many people she probably killed or who she’s working for.. though you’d THNK given all the RPG’s both tapetop and on her switch she’s played, that Marcy would see that “the benevolent king turns out to be the big bad” trope coming. 

But Anne’s worry is not on the big bad of the show but on Marcy who has a tendency to get so in the zone she ignores the world around her, which goes from focusing on her game while helping anne get softserve leading to a mess, not letting Anne down in a play and.. Anne catching Marcy on tv as all the snakes escape from the zoo. 

Regardless our heroes arrive and while the awkwardness between anne and hop pop continues, they find a majestic temple.. and what appears to be an outhouse. Hey we all gotta poop sometimes, even people making a majestic temple.  If you don’t it comes out like this. 

So they head in and we get our first puzzle, a mysterious cube that lifts you into the air and allows you to tilt the thing around. 

Those of you wondering why I have such a strong reaction have ever never played breath of the wild or played it with a pro controller, i.e. NOT having to tilt the very thing your screen is on because Nintendo has failed to grasp that MAYBE people don’t like that, that it takes you out of the experince and that it’s really hard to focus on your screen while having to move the fucking system about. And the plantar’s getting horribly jostled around as she moves it is EXACTLY how it feels to play a puzzle requring that shit. 

Next is a color based tile dungeon leftover from Link’s Awakening DX. As marcy figures out the reds do fire and the blues do crushing... but she reads the language (And as she put earlier “Guess who learned an entire dead language?” God she’s precious. ) and finds a green with envy pun (Which Hop Pop takes offense to.. several of his friends are green.). Which is curious as given several citzens of amphibia are green.. why would they make a green pun? So she gets on one tile and Hop Pop plans to take the risk of getting on the other green tile, but Anne does it instead.. and things get heated between the two as Anne reveals she no longe feels like family since he did what he did for polly and sprig and hop pop takes offense as she IS. Even if he screwed up with her. But Anne’s near death experince activates the tile. 

The final challnge switches us from Zelda.. to Harry Freaking Potter. 

Now I used to love Harry Potter, with all of my heart. Then JK Rowling turned out to be a transphobic piece of shit who thinks she’s an ally, but is really a bigot who wants to “accept” trans people without giving them any rights. So yeah while I still love the starkid musicals, ore more accuratley the music from them, and own a copy of lego harry potter I got as a gift recently as both parties had no idea she was a monster when this stuff was made. Still a sore subject though, but if I didn’t bring up the similiarties I wouldn’t be doing my job as a critic and this was likely thought up long before JK outed herself as well...

No no the great mighty poo respects all peoples.. and wants to take their heads and ram it up his butt. He’s an equal opportunity butt rammer. 

Anyways this is the frog equivlent of chess flipfrog, and just like with Wizard chess, our heroes end up as the pieces minus marcy.. and in a nice twist on that scene, Anne ends up on the other side. Marcy is a grandmaster at it though so after an hour or so of play she almost wins.. only for the king equilvent to refuse to be taken and the automatic board she’s up against to send Anne against hop pop, and with our heroes magically restrained and given stone weapons, this can’t end well. Eventually though Anne’s forced to hit HOp Pop multiple times and while he says “well isn’t this what you wanted”, she says no.. she didn’t want to phsyically hurt him it’s just complicated. So we get one heck of an emotioinal scene as Hop Pop just wants to help and wants this to stop and dosen’t knoow how to fix this which as someone who desperatlyt ries to fix most emotional situations right away this hit very hard.. and her response of needing time hit harder. The two while not reconciled, ar ecloser to it and Marcy realizes what she’s done getting so obessed with winning and forfits for thier benifit. Our heroes leave, seemingly having lost.. only to find glowing arrows to the crap hole, which turns out to be the pedistal. The temple wasn’t just an intellegence test but empathy.. and the temples are clearly built to specifically test each of the chosen three, our heroines, specifically. Marcy’s tested her intellegence.. but also her willingness to let go of cold clyincal thought to do the right thing. That earns her her gem recharged and a flash in her eyes and her gem starts pointing to the next. She needs time to triangulate and hop pop and anne are back on workable footing... though our heroes offer to take a break instead of going to the next temple. 

Back in Newtopia, Yuaan reports on the toads gathering.. but dosen’t get to mentioning sasha before Marcy’s letter interrupts and Andridas oddly and aburbly dimisses her.. and goes to talk to a watcher with a thousand eyes, his “master” who has plans to undo the prophcey and get their revenge. 

Final Thoughts: This was a damn fine episode that gave Marcy some much needed character development, and gave the reveals of last episode some more emotiional fallout.  It also had some really great jokes as always. Top notch stuf. 

Next Time: Marcy tries to win everyone over through science and we FINALLY get an episode with the Frog Robot apparently. Horay

Next on this Blog: We go into final space yo! It’s unexpected births, ho yay, and horrifying zombie gary’s galore! 

Until then if you liked this review, follow me for more, join my patreon, comission a review if you please and i’ll see you at the next rainbow. Play us out jeff... and I haven’t done THAT bit in a while but eh. This song was too perfect. 

[cloveroctobers]

GENEVIEVE ALIU —

IG info/bio: @/genevealiu1 | 19k followers | currently on a journey as a junior doctor living in 🇦🇺🤎 | blm.card.co🖤 | sk💛

26 years of age

Born and raised in Glastonbury, England

Pisces sun? + libra moon?

Mother is Guyanese and works for a non-profit organization

Her father is Nigerian and works in property management

has one older brother who is a Prosthetist and resides in Nigeria with his pregnant fiancée

She can’t wait to be a auntie!!!

And a younger sister who is a medical laboratory technician

To say the least, their parents were happy that their children fell into the medical field. Based on their cultures it was a honor to have their children in these professions

Vieve grew up with a sassy demeanor and her parents have old videos on their camcorders to prove it lol, it never fails that the pair brings out the embarrassing vids during the holidays but vieve genuinely appreciates them 

Although thanksgiving is a RACIST American thing, vieve never misses the opportunity to share what she’s thankful for in life and counts all of it as blessings! But it’s still fuck the pilgrims

Has held a friendsgiving before, loves any moment where she can host gatherings or attend them! either is quite fine. She loves being around people

the only time she likes to look back on the past is to see how she and her family carried themselves then and how the evolved into who they are now, it’s interesting to see

Loves “how it started vs how it’s going” posts and might have participated in a few

Always knew from a young age that she wanted to help people in some way, she was always doing something to help around the house and especially her aging/sickly grandparents

Felt offended that many people around school that she thought were her friends would stab her in the back labeling her as this “fake saint” since she rather spend her time volunteering instead of going to house parties in hs

Don’t get it twisted, she still went to those too & had her fun but definitely felt like it was the same routine and nothing ever felt fulfilling at these functions after awhile

Well known with all the cliques around school but had her own group of friends that fit into many of those cliques but she never felt obligated to stick to one social group. If you were nice and cool with her, she was the same to you, if you weren’t? Depending on her mood, she’d ignore you/say things under her breath or be “fake nice” as a form of being the bigger person

Has a curly hair routine that she consistently follows (after struggling to find the right products to make them flourish) and gets annoyed with if her curls don’t turn out the way she knows they can, it’s always frustrating when things don’t turn out the way you want them to but isn’t afraid to at least try

Three times is the charm! Is one of her mottos

loves bright colors, flowy attire, big hats, brimmed hats, bucket hats, berets, etc...

Has faced racism/prejudices and bullying growing up in public spaces—mostly school/uni & some of those same hatred actions online now that she’s dating seb

Because of that there were times where she felt insecure but deff grew to forgive, heal, and rise above the hate, she knows her worth

Has never been happier in a relationship than she is with seb, he’s her “moody long-haired, soft-hearted bby”

they’re both complete fools for each other and vieve is more vocal about her being in love/finding her soulmate whereas seb doesn’t mind showing it rather than speaking it—even tho he’s on a podcast but we mind our business okay?!

Seb is thinking of moving to Australia with vieve, he’s ready to risk it all for this woman, HIS woman 🤩

canon: gives more than she should/taken advantage of/not reciprocating in relationships... ex) how she dated a guy that she did everything for! especially financially and also struggled to find her worth but once she did? Her aura shined brighter than before— Ik chill out there Rocco

Also believes in loving yourself first to attract what you need in this world and found that in her career and seb. I hope they’re endgame! Since they’re the only couple I rooted for this season? Except for tai & ciaran maybe? They’re probably not endgame but whatever

They still get nervous/shy around each other even tho they’ve been together for months now + are in a long distance relationship which is too cute! I think since they’re in this for the long game they can look back on moments and still feel the way they felt in that moment. You know if you get the chance or have already heard elderly people talk about their relationships and how they get all starry eyed? That’s vieve & seb, that shit gets me right in my feels ew

Vieve’s love language is quality time, it’s what she shows and likes along with acts of service from her partner

Makes the best jollof rice & her fav dish is Metemgee

Trying to be on a plant-based diet only but will have her cheat days on occasion—mostly when she’s drunk and forgets her diet plan lmao that’s me getting double cheeseburgers or anything with dairy drunk af

now living in Australia, she tried to like vegemite but...the it’s a no for her, respectfully ofc! She never wants to disrespect anyone

besides the food, the atmosphere is much nicer since she feels like she’s on a holiday almost everyday and that there’s much more to see and do when she has the time

Loves the beaches and is thinking about surfing lessons

yes she enjoys those doctor shows and can agree that most scenarios are not the same as rl ofc but great question!

Since she’s a junior doctor now, and on her way to graduation! She feels so accomplished and having this chance to complete what she’s wanted her whole life in a different place, makes her super emotional

All those stressful all-nighters will be worth it. She mostly did it on her own but is nothing but humble and Is thankful to those that have helped her along the way, what kind of person would she be if she didn’t mention them?

and when COVID hit, she was one of many already on the frontlines. Her studies became altered but this wouldn’t stop her for her mission on this earth, this was her purpose and she knew we would conquer it all—but definitely has empathy and gets angry with how it’s being handled from time to time

She’s been exposed to it first hand which aboustely worries her parents, seb, her friends, and friends from the villa

Keeps up to date when all medical news, has a whole app dedicated to health

Learning French with some of her free time and is doing well at it

It was only natural for her to become closer to elladine since their men are homies and have a podcast together

They’ve hung out a few times on a double dates before the boat vacation & once just as girls before vieve left to Australia

Vieve is always offering advice but knows that every relationship is different and what works for her and seb won’t work for elladine and Nicky, she loves them together and knows everyone has bumps in the road

feels there’s some sort of tension between her and Harry now? Which she found a little off putting since they were supposed to be friends but she realizes that Harry has a condition but it’s also not an excuse for him to treat her shitty sometimes which he does and feels like it comes out of nowhere most times but he always apologizes yet vieve is slowly getting tired of this unhealthy habits

So they’re talking less these days, which he notices!

She wants Harry to find his happiness too! If he hasn’t found it in mc first that is

has met Tim— he’s a great laugh and seems like a nice guy—they follow each other, talia and jake in person when she was out with seb—they were also super nice and congratulated them on their win, she went up to miles once on a night out—he’s still a arsehole, priya reached out to her via dm about her new boutique that she wanted her to model in someday, Hope was just as stunning in person along with Siobhan, Chelsea & mc s2 were also kind, and a couple of the guys also wished her and seb well

She’s also noticed some of the shit talking coming from Elisa, Allegra, Lucy, and mc s1 (subtle shade from mc, basically about how vieve reacted if mc decided to give Harry a go but that was only brought to her attention thru fans) online but again, vieve peeped it and felt majority of it didn’t require a response. She was too happy in life rn and she had a man and they don’t

Plans to get a komondor, thinks they’re super cute! — seb does not “if you love me, you’ll love our child.” “It’s a bloody mop dog! And I’m a cat dad, you know that!” “Don’t talk about him like that, he’s got feelings just like your cat babies!”

I feel like she’s a matcha & Frappuccino lover, tries to keep her drinks simple and feels guilty when she has to make adjustments but the heart wants what it wants

Mini Countryman owner, she also drives like a “granny” better safe than sorry! She hates fast drivers, there’s absolutely no need for it!

Minimal makeup: eyeshadow, moisturizer, & a nude lip and she’s good to go

Secretly obsessed with among us, second life, and SIMS!!!

Celeb crushes? Heath ledger, Tyler posey, KENDRICK SAMPSON, Jordan fisher, Algee smith, Donald Glover, Mack Wilds, Khleo Thomas, Robert Ri’chard, Tahj Mowry, & Hasan Minhaj

Listens to: DaniLeigh, ABIR, Mary J. Blige, TORI KELLY, Us the duo, 11:11, Jacob Latimore, fifth harmony, joya mooi, & Greentea Peng, etc...

Anthem: The Cheetah Girls — Cinderella

[ih8me2ash]

My Journal Entries (post #25)

The winter suits me better.

I just asked for a break, a break from this suffocating brick on my chest. To run away from this fear of isolation, putting a group of piranhas in a tank with nothing to eat for almost a year and watch them start to eat each other. If you want my honest opinion that's how I feel about the quarantine. I can't do anything, at all. And people wonder why 2020 is like the next great depression. The only reason why I'm scared of being by myself is that the words I'm writing now are what happens when I'm starting to talk to myself too much. I'm a rude son of a bitch, but I had to take a break from social media because I was being attacked left and right. The internet is like a pack of bloodthirsty wolves. Tell people they're wrong once and you'll be devoured. Even if you're right, and they're completely in the wrong.

Sometimes I think about taking a long smoke break, walk to the train tracks, and wait. I would feel cold in my hands, but the fire from my cigarette will keep me warm until then. I feel like no one would even look for my remains. My jeans wouldn't be the only thing torn and ripped. I could hurt myself and no one would even notice, trust me I know. I've forgotten to cover my arms before and no one even questioned me, people would take a glance, and then they would look away and I would overthink about my body and hide, then remember no matter how much my skin burns it's just a normal day for the world outside of mine.

I'm always thinking about how much I feel like a ghost, transparent, see-through. I'm the one who fades into a crowd of people so easily. And I have a hard understanding if that's a good thing or not. Because I hate being left alone, but when I run away from everything I don't want to be found. But even acknowledging me, just makes me feel like it sometimes forced to even put me in the picture. Why did you save me if you make me feel so out of place? Instead of making me feel like a ghost emotionally now, you should of let me be a real ghost back then and just left me to hang out to dry. Because now I feel like I could be buried six feet under with no concern. I'm not kidding where I am once again as I mentioned no one in the right mind should waste their time day worrying about me or care about me when I'm just a dead man walking, or that's at least how people make me feel.

If I stop breathing, no one is obligated to notice if I do. And that's on neglect, and being so used to it. No thanks to anyone in my family. Do you know how I can look through old posts on my Tumblr or on Elite Skills from four years ago talking about how much they "took cared of me, and how much I loved them and they loved me?" And I knew it was bullshit? That wasn't me, because I had someone moderating me, breathing over my shoulder to be forced to say that sappy shit. They didn't care about me, they only cared about the image I gave them. Once again, if you post anything public on the internet for anyone to see, get ready to have those canine fangs breaking your skin. You have an opinion anywhere else in your head, you really should keep it to yourselves, I mean that basically defeats me writing here, but people think I don't come on here and no one besides my therapist even looks at my journal entries on my Tumblr. Because I don't give that shit out to anyone because people who I don't and I mean I really don't even want them to breathe the same air as me, to find me. And I wish I could stop thinking about them, and how they use to make me feel, in those times no matter how much I took the bruises, the punches, the scratches, the cigarette burns, the kicks, the pulling, the bloody noses, I blamed myself. Even though I was going through shit, I didn't want them to take the blame because they made me feel like everything was up to me and that everything was my fault fully.  My baby hotel made an obedient loyal crybaby out of me.

Even now as a young adult, when people are using me for anything, I just roll over and take it. People say it's because I'm too nice or maybe I don't like conflict. When in reality it's because I was taught if I have any type of empathy or an opinion I was badly abused, emotionally, verbally, and physically. So when someone is upsetting me in a way or makes me feel uncomfortable, I kind of go into this numb state and block out everything, my whole body feels like when your leg falls asleep from laying on it to long, and I'm back on autopilot again and then after the whole ordeal, I beat myself over it for not stating my feelings. That's been an endless cycle since I was six. It started when I was five because sadly I believe even my baby hotel mother knew how easy it is to manipulate a child made by her womb tomb.  But if you hear anything about me when it comes from my family, I'm a betrayer, I'm an ungrateful bitch, I'm the liar, the disrespectful brat, or that I shouldn't have complained too much because even though I was going through a lot I should have just gotten over it. My aunt, my mother's sister, and my grandmother's oldest daughter flat ass told me when my grandmother died at the funeral that my crying was annoying and that I should have just gone outside if I was going to cry like a child. I was sixteen, and I cry softly. But most importantly I cried more over her mother than she did. Heartless, those people are psychotic heartless harpies. I'm not going to sugarcoat this, you can only put a person through that kind of shit for too long before that person learns to bark back because that sick twisted family betrayed me, they're the ungrateful bitches, a pack of liars, disrespectful and spoiled brats, do you know how demented and ignorant you all were and still are? And just because someone is different don't black sheep them because you're fucking boring, none of you could understand what I went through because you were worrying about how much you have that precious pathetic image that you held over your heads. I hope you know your "crowns" are falling apart.

And people wonder why I have so many trust issues, why I refuse to open up. Do you see how that's gotten me so far? No offense, but fuck you for using me to make you happy until you felt like you didn't need me anymore and left me wondering where I went wrong. Do you know what's the saddest thing is? The nicest, kindest, quiet, understanding people will never believe a single compliment they're given but they believe every insult. And wonder why when the people I was around treated me like I was nothing. My anxiety has made me physically nauseated because lately feeling anything has just left me heartbroken or like I can't do anything right anymore. To be honest, people would do better without me dragging them down with me. Maybe, just maybe, others are right about me being toxic and negative because I'm stuck in the past. No matter how far I try to walk the distance out of this tar, I'm just getting sucked in more, because now I'm looking closer at the warning sign and it says quicksand. More like guilt sand, I'm just one person so how am I supposed to live in this cage? I had to put all these posters up so I wasn't staring at white walls for too long, I'm told that I'm not crazy, but I do feel unstable. And I know I should just say this is my fault for letting this go for too long for just lying to myself that I'm going to be fine sooner or later, I'm not. Who am I kidding? You're looking at the worst luckiest person in the fucking world at this point. My karma is unbalanced when I didn't do anything to deserve this. But nope, my sister can walk Scott free, the same with my idiot of a mother. And I'm here, suffering like always, do they even feel bad for the way they treated me? Do they? Probably not, just my wishful thinking. People only care about themselves, they don't care about the people they might hurt on their way to victory. You're hurt? You're lonely? You're depressed? You're a victim? You were backstabbed? Do you ever think about how you made me feel? Because what you Kaylee my sister and you Jennifer my mother did to me was billions of times worse. Selfishness isn't helpful for anyone, not even for yourself. Because after you're done being bitter you'll look around and no one will be there for you. You are not anything you claim, Any of you. Not just my family, everyone who even gets close to me. You only think about yourselves, never about who you think you're hurting.  That’s why I feel like a ghost, because people treat me like I’m just nothing and nothing more.  - ａｓｈｔｏ n  ♡

[theartoflivingalways]

i’ve been awake for over 24 hours

I haven’t been on tumblr in years. i stopped using it after high school, but I don’t know why. but now I’m back tonight, because I needed someone to talk to, but I have no one to listen. i have friends, i have family, i have a boyfriend. i have a therapist. but no matter what: i feel so unheard, so unseen, and so ignored by everyone in my life that i literally feel like i have no one to truly turn to. for anything. so, here i am. hope i get a warm welcome!!!

here’s the thing: i’m NOT a depressed person. i’m not sad, i don’t have any major mental health issues apart from anxiety and some adhd. and before you take that the wrong way, please don’t. i just got my master’s degree in social work and i’ll be starting my new job as a therapist in a couple of weeks.

but, i’m also NOT a happy person. tbh, i can’t really describe my overall ~mood~ or whatever you wanna call it. i kinda just wake up and survive the day, every day. i take it one day at a time ... kinda like what AA says to do; but no, before you ask or the thought crosses your mind, i’m not an addict. at least not a alcohol/other drugs addict ??? sorry

maybe this is why there’s no one to listen when i need them to. i fucking ramble about literally nothing before getting to the point. 

it’s weird that i’m writing right now (ok, typing???). i haven’t done this since i was little. it feels good to do this, to have some sort of outlet when you feel so fucking unseen and unheard by every. single. person. around you. 

so i haven’t slept in over 24 hours. it’s my own fault for sure and i have adderall to thank for that (yes i’m prescribed). i decided to start a blog again because i’m sitting here, still wide awake in my apartment, alone, while my boyfriend is sound asleep in my bedroom.

so what’s my fucking problem??? why do i want someone to talk to?? i don’t know honestly. i just feel like lately all i do is listen to others, help others, give myself completely to others. and in return, i get nothing. nothing even close to what i give, or to what i’m capable of giving. which is sad. not for me particularly (maybe?), but for others, yes, i think so. 

i’m not saying that i expect anything in return for helping others, because i don’t. i didn’t enter the field of social work for the fucking money. and i know a lot of fucked up shit is going on in the world right now, and in no way do i want to minimize ANY of that. i’m just feeling a little lost and lonely, so i’m hoping this is a new outlet for me to sort out those feelings.

the last couple of hours, i’ve had a LONG string of thoughts. if you read through, you’ll eventually found out how they started. but one of the things i’ve been wrestling with in my mind is the type of person i am. 

you see, it’s difficult to be “that” person for others your whole life, especially all the fucking time. if you’re anything like me, you know what i mean by that. and if you aren’t anything like me, well, first of all congrats!!!!, and secondly, i’ll explain what i mean.

when you’re “that” person for others, like myself, it’s easy for other people to walk all over you. take advantage of you, take you for granted, expect you to ALWAYS be there no matter the cost. and of course, why wouldn’t they? you’re always there to help. you’re ALWAYS there to offer support, guidance, and advice. you’re nurturing. you listen. you’re a fucking irreplaceable, loyal to death friend. if you’re VERY much like me, you’re also the one person in your family who isn’t a total fuck up (at least not publicly?)

you’re also nonjudgmental, and you were blessed with the curse of being empathic towards others at all times. empathy of course is beautiful and a very good thing to have in this life, but do you know how hard it is to feel for every single person around you.. and not have anyone feel for you???? damn

also, you never let anyone down!! ever. you’re reliable, dependable, trustworthy to the point where it’s almost sketchy because like??? who can be that way to everyone else at all times? you guessed it- people like me and people like u!! (if this is even semi-relatable, i’m sorry) 

but people like us, like you, like me, tend to do this thing where we keep the same shitty fucking toxic people around that have hurt us, continue to hurt us both indirectly and directly, and who have let us down time and time again, because we continue clinging on to the fucking useless hope that “someday they’ll change”. someday, they’ll realize how fucking important you are to them and how shitty their lives are, and would be, without you in it.

you- we - also live by honesty and truthfulness, and assume others just live by this as well. but then you’re proved wrong over and over and over again, yet you never fucking learn your lesson because you are STILL hopeful that somewhere, somehow, deep down, other people DO stand by the morals you try so hard to stand by in life. most of the time, though, you’re completely avoiding the reality of other people and their experiences and who they really are, only to try to fit your own narrative of how you see things and how you think things should be. 

if this sounds anything like you... i’m sorry. i know it all too well. 

i grew up as the “golden child” in my family. not just my immediate family. my entire fucking family. the pressure to be perfect has lead me to develop debilitating anxiety in my 20′s, and it is what it is, but like, why the fuck couldn’t i have anxiety in high school like a normal teenager? why now? 

so yeah my anxiety’s pretty bad. it’s pretty bad tonight, which is why i turned here. to tumblr. to try to write out my thoughts. which, by the way, i’m sorry, because this is an absolute fucking mess and makes no sense. if you are reading this, though, thank you. thank you for listening when no one else seems to.

anyway. growing up with the pressure of being *perfect* has a cost. at least for me it did: 1) anxiety of course, and 2) perfectionist tendencies. these have literally- LITERALLY - ruined my entire college and graduate school experience. perfectionism combined with anxiety is a recipe for fucking disaster, and i’ve been cooking it for years.

i am deliberately writing this without proper punctuation/grammer/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit, not capitalizing my letters etc., because i want to not have to be so perfect all the time on here, if this is something i’m going to stick to.  i know that sounds silly but it’s actually been very difficult for me to write in all lower-caps and i’m very worried that no one will even read this and HEAR ME because of my literacy negligence (i have no idea if that’s even a real thing or if it even has meaning but it sounded right)

do u want to know why i decided to write this though, truly? what lead to me feeling like i’m “spiraling” - apart from no sleep in over 24 hours now? well, get ready to laugh, because i truly think i’m pathetic and going crazy.

i went to dinner tonight with my boyfriend and his fam. our waitress was a girl i used to know years ago in high school. my boyfriend knew her too. in fact, he knew her VeRY well. for the sake of my anxious overthinking, i don’t feel like going too much into the details of *that* situation, so thanks in advance for understanding.

anyway. this corny bitch made a joke about the current political environment. i won’t say what exactly, because i’d really like to keep my identity as concealed as absolutely possible on here. but long story short, no one really laughed - every one just kinda smiled awkwardly. but you know who did laugh? my boyfriend :) 

TO ME, it seemed intentional. she wasn’t fucking funny, for one. she made a bad - no, a very bad- joke. like one of those corny dad jokes. not even a dad joke actually. a step-dad joke, except your step-dad is a loser that you hate, who treats ur mom/dad bad, has no sense of humor or a horrible sense of humor and idk, just fucking sucks you know ???

sorry that got kinda dark and it was unnecessary but do u know what i mean??? and no, that was literally not relevant to me or my family system/structure in any way. just kinda came to me, ya know? ...writing works in mysterious ways man

alright so if you don’t agree, that’s fine. i already told you to get ready to laugh, because i am well aware of how insane i fucking sound. but you know what makes anxiety & perfectionism 100x harder to cope with? insecurities. and i’m FULL of them. 

so anyway. we left dinner. him & i were driving home. i will admit that i did have some wine at dinner, and i wasn’t drunk but i definitely was feeling cocky enough to stir the pot with him. so, i casually said, “hey... didn’t you date _____?” *insert annoying waitress’s name who i knew once upon a time*

i said it very calmly. very coooool. v collected and nice. he said “no? i’ve never even talked to or hungout with that girl”.

i wish u could see my face as i’m writing this right now bc i cannnot. like i gave u a choice.... the opportunity. tHE SIMPLE opportunity - a chance - to be fucking honest................................

this dude. straight up. lied to my face. about this fucking girl. ???????

YEARS AGO, they most certainly did talk. a lot. in fact, my crAZy ass searched their names on facebook to find their old little love notes to each other that they posted on each others’ walls. which were very cringey but nothing that made me feel jealous or insecure (for once). after all, they were from years ago- i’m talking 5+ - so likeeee.... why would he lie (: 

oh and they definitely did hang out because.... i remember clearly.... a PICTURE OF THE two of them *together* *hangin* (prob bangin too) (sorry) years ago in this now-waitress’s bedroom. i believe it was a ~webcam photo~ that they took on the new mac computer her parents prob bought her. so this photo is now NO WHERE to be found. and believe me, i looked. no, i LURKED. i went to the beginnnning of her instagram posts and deep into her uploaded facebook pictures. ok, not ‘deep’, i literally got to the first pic she ever posted on FB just to try to find this damn picture. and it took me for. fucking. ever. because this bitch has prolly posted a million pictures in the last 5+ years like who does that???

but i swear to fucking whatever the fuck that this picture exists. i have fucking seen it. i’d describe it in perfect detail right now as if i saw it today, but, once again, i’m concealin my identity, yo, so i can’t do all that. v sorry

anywho. this dude - who i call my boyfriend (and yes i love him very very much and our past is absolutely fucked but that’s a whole other story for a very different time) - had the nerve, the audacity, to tell me to my face, that he “definitely doesn’t have a picture with her” because “they’ve never hung out or talked before” ... ?!??????

obv i sent him screenshots of the dirt i dug up on facebook from 5+ years ago (i.e., the old posts between them in case ya forgot during my rambling) bc like, caught ya in a lie sir. red handed.

i might be late on mentioning this part, but here’s the fucking kicker (and i’ve never used that phrase and i don’t know why i said that but ok?): TODAY, for the first time in MONTHS, literally!!!, bc of the virus and the quarantine and all that, i got ready today for dinner with his family. like actually got ready. i spent HOURS doing my make up. i don’t even remember the last time i did my make up, ok. i dressed in a really cute outfit. i felt fucking very good about myself. i thought for sure when he’d come pick me up to go to dinner he’d at least say something. at least acknowledge it. he has literally only seen me in raw form for too many days now. like, complete bare face and sweat pants basically every day since march.

but. did he even look at me twice?!!? no. did he mention anything about how i looked? how it was drastically different from my everyday attire the last couple months? did he take 2 seconds out of his day to say something corny or flirty to me? even just, “you look beautiful”??? honestly i would’ve even appreciated, “you look beautiful, for once” ???

did u guess the correct answer? well if u didn’t, it’s N O.

but u know who he did look at twice.

our waitress at dinner.

(: 

i think i wrote enough for one night. if u think this is my anxiety/perfectionism/insecurities combination spiraling out of control after being tamed incessantly for 20+ years, PLZ TELL ME.

but also, if you have a fucking brain, you’d know that:

1) this is definitely NOT the first time i’ve responded to something like this the way i did, and 

2) i really just needed to ramble on and vent about all the shit that’s been going through my mind the last 2 1/2 hours, so there’s that.

have a good night get some sleep!!! thank u for ur time. 

[naysaltysalmon]

Shoutout to @tiburme for tagging me~!

Rules: Name 10 favorite characters from 10 different things and then tag 10 people.

Oh, massive spoilers below btw.

1. Gon Freecss from Hunter x Hunter: My favorite shounen protagonist by far. At first you think he’s your typical happy-go-lucky bouncy boye :D who definitely doesn’t have abandonment issues or self-destructive tendencies that literally actually almost kill him later on, and then, uwu... The amount of complexity that Gon has as a protagonist who hardly ever has stand-alone development is nothing short of astounding. How during the Chimera Ant Art his characterization totally dips off to the side to become an unknowable entity even to the audience, while still retaining amazing character development regardless -- not to mention how brilliantly daring his decision to threaten Komugi is that nearly every other author with such a happy-go-lucky protagonist would shy away from in cowardice -- is absolutely surreal to me. The more I think and write about Gon, the more I fall in love with him. If I ever meet his father, and by that I mean his real father, the creator, Togashi, I have nothing else to say but,,, well done, sir.

2. Tanjirou Kamado from Demon Slayer: I’m really hoping the Demon Slayer movie comes out soon because I absolutely love this boy and how charming he is. Unlike most protagonists, not just of shounen anime but of seemingly macho story lines that involve power-ups and training in general, Tanjirou never lets go of his kind heart. (Welp, except maybe in some cases when he’s facing the Upper Moons later on -- I haven’t caught up yet -- but WE’RE GONNA IGNORE THAT for now.) From the beginning, Tanjirou’s kindness isn’t an obstacle holding back his power, though other characters pose it that way, but rather he cultivates his empathy to grant peace to the demons he faces. He smiles in the face of anyone who treats him poorly because of his cluelessness, and that’s just so heartwarming to see, and dare I say subversive to the hardened, calculating, and cocky male protagonists we so often get. Good job, Gotouge.

3. Joseph Joestar from JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: Giorno Giovanna was a close second, but I gotta go with Joseph. He’s the one who made me fall in love with the series, and with the later parts too. Unlike Jonathan Joestar, who was chivalrous and manly, Joseph was a riot: colorful, arrogant, funny, but also extremely clever. I absolutely loved his, “Next you’ll say...!” because at first I expected it to just be him being an overconfident asshole and eventually he’d be proven wrong at the ~Dai Pinchi Moment~ (please excuse my weeb speech, I legit didn’t know what else to call it), but then he hit the mark every time and eventually I was just waiting for when he’d pull that out and it was so hype. Also I surely can’t forget his transformation as an old dude in Part 3 -- him screaming “OOHHHH MY GAAAWDDDA!” and “HOLY SHIIIT!” murdered me every time. And of course, last but not least, the raw fucking emotion when Caeser died -- the dude actually gave a shit and wasn’t made entirely of wit and absurdity, but heart too. Joseph set the tone for what JJBA was as a whole for me (fuck off with that “but Part 3/Part 4 is the best Part” bullshit, Part 2 will always be top tier for me because of Joseph Joestar’s brilliant, bright, and beautiful absurdity -- but Part 5 was really good too). Araki really is a genius.

4. Link from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess: My love for this series is a bit older than the series I’ve already mentioned, and TLoZ: TP was actually probably the first time I got seriously obsessed with a fandom. I love all the Links in their own ways, but Twilight Princess really drove home the “lone wolf chosen by the gods, fighting against the world” narrative for me. It made me feel important and strong at a time when no one cared about me. Seeing Link struggle silently through his quest with villagers who meant well but did nothing for him, and Midna who started out as a reluctant acquaintance and eventually became so much more, meant so much to me at the time I played the game. I will always love Twilight Princess the most because of what it did for me at one of the darkest times in my life, and because I felt completely and utterly immersed in every part of the story and gameplay through Link’s character, who was, and in many ways, still is, so relatable to me: Silent courage really is what I use to get through every day.

5. Greedling from Fullmetal Alchemist (Brotherhood): For once I’m not naming the protagonist of a series! Lissen, I still smile whenever I see the slightest reference to Edward Elric, but now he’s more of my childhood love. He’s just a part of my personality already? LOL. Anyway, FMA(B) has so many good characters that choosing just one doesn’t feel right (I mean, same with HxH tho). I say Greedling because that encompasses both Ling and Greed though, two of my favorite characters from the series! Ling’s apparent childishness in constantly running away from fights, making other people pay for his food, and failing to grasp the seriousness of the situation (until Lan Fan’s arm gets cut off lol oops) is so adorable and entertaining. He’s the best kind of idiot asshole, and I especially love how he teases Ed. After him and Greed fuse, Ling’s stout heart becomes even more apparent, as he constantly eggs Greed on to remember his past life, his friends, and become someone outside of Father/the Dwarf in the Flask. Conversely, Greed’s nonchalance and (of course) avarice are nothing short of entertaining and heartbreaking. Greed’s realization at the end, when he finally admitted to himself that what he wanted all along were “friends like these,” completely crushed me the first few times I watched FMAB. And when he’s screaming in the tunnels under Central after having killed Bido, remembering his friends, and he doesn’t understand why, and later attacks Wrath/King Bradley... that shit was so entertaining and cathartic to watch. None of his development feels like forced redemption, nor like it was too little development, since it mostly happens in the background and away from the “validating eyes” of the protagonists other than Ling. And at the end, when Ling and Greed work together to take down Bradley and all the soldiers invading Central HQ... it’s so beautiful. Many have said this before but I’ll say it again: Hiromu Arakawa wrote the perfect series.

6. Ciel Phantomhive from Black Butler: Another protagonist! And another older obsession of mine. Ciel remains in my mind to this day mainly for his heartlessness in relation to his age, and the fluidity with which Toboso tells his story. Normally when authors write younger characters into their serious stories, they make “child adults” of sorts, but Ciel feels totally realistic to the extent that he is both childish and adult to me. Obviously, Ciel is responsible and (normally) level-headed due to being the head of the Phantomhive household, but also from trauma. Yet, his cruelty at times is what sticks in my mind the most: You really feel that he’s someone who feels he’s been abandoned by the entire world, given his experiences, and that makes him disregard or use others sometimes in order to reach his own ends. Normally, authors would be too cowardly to let their protagonists, let alone child protagonists, go to such lengths to avenge their family, or carry out their duty as the dog of the military (looking at you, Arakawa -- she’s still a goddess tho). But Ciel is unforgiving. He lies to Snake and tells him his troupe is still alive. He murders the entire troupe because he’s triggered -- a childish decision, but driven with adult-like power due to trauma. It’s devastatingly riveting, and I cannot forget his unrelenting, contained rage to this day.

7. Ahsoka Tano from Star Wars: The Clone Wars: This one may come as a shock to most of you, because I hardly ever post Star Wars let alone Ahsoka content on here -- but it’s true. Other than the blatant, half-assedly inserted heteroromantic partner they gave Ahsoka in, like, idk season 3??, Ahsoka is a fucking goddess. From her origin as a wee baby in the earlier seasons who didn’t really know what she was doing and was a bit of a cocky brat, to how she matures and becomes wise, resourceful, and fierce in the later seasons, I just love Ahsoka’s design and character to this day. The episodes that stick in my mind aside from the obvious are when she’s possessed by the Dark Side of the Force on that Force balance planet and her arrogance becomes so exaggerated that she threatens and attacks Anakin, her teacher. It was so fucking cathartic. Normally female characters, let alone young protagonist female characters, are never allowed to show the ugly sides of themselves in fiction, since women are always portrayed as perfect beautiful majestic angels or some bullshit like that. (Or they’re cocky/sexy/slutty villain women. ‘Kay then.) Seeing Ahsoka devolve into her basal desires and come out of it like hardly anything happened and she’s still a perfectly valid character was so amazing to see on a meta level; it wasn’t about her learning a lesson or anything, it was a thing that happened like any other character and then they moved the fuck on. I also distinctly remember the episode where she was trapped on that island/planet and she had to take out the aliens that were after her all by herself. That was so fucking empowering to watch and god fucking dammit I need to rewatch this series now. And of course, let us not forget the fact that the entire time, we were all expecting Ahsoka to just be another domino in Anakin’s downfall -- and she was, but not through the refrigerator -- but through walking away from it all. That was so powerful and moving -- and heartbreaking. By the end of TCW, her character carried weight and agency in the narrative, and god, I only wish whoever wrote her could write more female characters in the future.

8. Tigress from Kung Fu Panda: Maybe another surprise, but I think she deserves this spot. Tigress is a female character who starts out as kind of an antagonist, given how she outright tells Po to leave the kung fu temple within the first day of him arriving. She’s even jealous of the fact that he’s chosen as the Dragon Warrior rather than her -- but that’s due to the backwash of years of trying to live up to the memory of Tai Lung in order to please Shifu (which means “master” in Chinese but ok I’ll shut up now), her master and mentor over the years. She never says this out loud in the movie, which is what makes her character more believable. Others even joke about how stoic she is (and not in bad taste). Her character development is definitely present for those who are looking -- but I put her on this list because I’m so happy the movie doesn’t make it some huge dramatic emotional thing, because so often in media women are depicted as being overly-emotional and here Tigress is just a hurt child trying to make her mentor happy. But, she gets over it, her and Po become allies, even friends to each other -- she and Po talk like equals in the second and third movies, and she even tells him to back out of the fight with Lord Shen and he listens (I mean he doesn’t stay put but he doesn’t undermine her opinion either lol, like most jokesy protagonists of Western media would -- looking at you, Marvel). I like Tigress because she’s an antagonist without being a bitch, she’s powerful without being overpowered, and she’s not sexualized despite being a well-trained, at times jealous, and even emotionally awkward kung fu master. And I almost forgot to mention the best part: There is never an indication of romance between her and Po, or any other character, for that matter. She’s perfectly capable, complex, and lovely on her own terms. And that’s that on THAT.

9. Bilbo Baggins from The Hobbit: I wanted to include at least one character protagonist from a live-action movie/book, lol. I feel like Bilbo’s pretty self-explanatory. He doesn’t wanna go on an adventure because he likes his doilies and warm sheets, but then Gandalf seduces him with the call to the outside world and possible death (LOL), and he fucking goes for it, grumbling the entire time. Isn’t that what any of us would do if given such a proposition? I like to think so. Bilbo obviously has his own gradual, evil transformation with the One Ring, becomes murderous and uses it to disappear, and grows a strong bromance with the King Under the Mountain (which happens in both the movie and the book), but I think what I like about him is that he really feels... down-to-earth? Like even though the adventure changes him, it never feels like he’s been stretched in a way that makes his core character traits of grumbling and bluntness disappear. He gets better at the whole adventuring thing, for sure, but he remains Bilbo, at least, to me, throughout the journey. It was heartwrenching watching him try to save Thorin in The Battle of Five Armies, honestly, but Bilbo’s the kind of character that I feel like has his own story and mythology aside from The Hobbit, and maybe that’s just the result of J.R.R. Tolkien writing the lore for every aspect of his universe, but My Point Still Stands. He feels like his own man apart from the series he’s in, yet he’s still so much fun in his series.

10. Barley Lightfoot from Onward: And last, this one is because I saw Onward yesterday and was pleasantly surprised by the characterization in it -- and anyone who thinks differently can kiss my *ss. :) I was not expecting the movie to take the twist of fleshing out the “annoying” (more like adorable) overconfident nerdy big brother. Normally those characters are swiped to the side because God Forbid The Comic Relief Have Any Sadness In Them. I was expecting the movie to focus on Ian’s journey to meet his fatha and that the movie would pull something stupid at the end like “oh actually there’s another phoenix gem underneath the school” or “actually since only his legs appeared then you still have 24 hours with him” or some shit like that, but I guess this isn’t an anime so those absurdist explanations wouldn’t hold water anyway. But still, for a kid’s movie, I was NOT expecting this movie to go so hard with the characterization. For once, the main character doesn’t get what he wants at the end, and instead realizes it’s his big brother, Barley, who’s been looking out for him his entire life. Meeting his dad would betray that reality. What happens instead is that the lovable big brother never actually said goodbye to their dad before he died, because when their dad got sick, said brother ran away from the hospital room in fear of all the life-sustaining equipment. (Is this some meta thing about Chris Pratt and Guardians of the Galaxy? Off topic and call me stupid, but I didn’t realize Chris Pratt plays him until I saw everyone freaking out about it afterward on Tumblr laksjdflak.) So instead, the lovable big brother talks to the dad at the end, and unconfident younger brother grows confidence and thanks big bro for being with him his entire life. It was so touching, dude. I cry. But the moment that sticks in my mind the most was when Ian was crossing the invisible bridge... Ian needed to have confidence in himself to be able to cross over a chasm in their path, and Barley knew that if Ian didn’t believe in himself, he would fall and die. They tie a rope around Ian for good measure, and Barley encourages him the entire way, but halfway over, the rope comes loose and slips off. Barley sees this and starts panicking, but of course continues to encourage Ian so that Ian will get to the other side. What got to me wasn’t the fact that he faked it for Ian, but that there are actual tears running down his face as he’s encouraging Ian to get to the other side, because he knows otherwise Ian wouldn’t have the confidence and would fall to his death. Like dude, that raw, complex emotion in a kid’s movie?! DUDE?! I was fucking surprised. The clear anxiety and grief in Barley’s face as Ian’s totally clueless and even dancing around in the air was just too much, omfg. Of course, then it’s played off for laughs, but... I guess that makes sense for the annoying overconfident nerdy big bro character. :’)

Okay these are way longer than I anticipated and I’m sorry, but also I’m really not. Hope you enjoyed reading my thoughts on my favs!

Seems I don’t talk to that many people on here anymore: @stupidbluejay @mirycactusito @chronicstarlight

[the-cookie-of-doom]

“B-b-b-but Derek Hale’s a failure and a shitty leader whose only purpose in the show was to be surpassed by Trash Wolf Scoot and make the audience realize what a great, competent, superior leader and better character Trash Wolf Scoot McCall is compared to him! Derek Hale got exactly what he deserved for refusing to obey Trash Wolf Scoot, really!!!!” https://princeescaluswords.tumblr.com/post/185664990955/stans-will-excuse-dereks-actions-by-portraying

russianspacegeckosexparty *whines and screeches and froths and drowns in his own bile because Teen Wolf fans and viewers have the nerve to prefer actually compelling fictional characters over his shitty idol Scott and because his shitty idol Scott is not EVERYONE’s fav*

Shitty, entitled middle aged white man & actual harasser PEW:

There are two competing impulses here in relation to the narrative. When these impulse are combined combined they form the toxic woobification also known as “Derek Deserves Nice Things.” This is the belief that Jeff Davis tortured Derek for no other reason than his and the audience’s sadistic amusement. They miss the writers’ goal: to show that in Derek’s role as a foil for Scott, he got exactly what he deserved for allowing his painful history to control him. Derek’s failures came from his inability to manage his trauma, to separate the people who hurt him from the people who didn’t.

In Season 1 and Season 2, Derek let his fear of the Argents and his shame about his actions with Kate (and Paige) influence his actions. He didn’t trust Scott; he didn’t share information freely with Scott; he relied on anger and its attendant violence to keep him safe. It didn’t work.

(It’s noticeable that when Derek let go of the past – when he started to trust Scott, when he started sharing information with Scott, when he did things like hand out Halloween candy to children – he got nice things! Derek ended Season 4 – a season which showed him being open, friendly, trusting, and complimenting and encouraging Scott – with a sexy, protective girlfriend; revenge on his tormentor, and the inheritance of his mother’s legacy!)

The first impulse was the need to make Derek more important than Scott McCall. The thought that Derek Hale was only there for Scott to learn what not to do never even occurred to them, even though the name of the show was Teen Wolf. Derek’s aggression, violence, and lies weren’t seen by them as obstacles for Scott McCall to overcome – which they were definitely intended to be by the writers. When the narrative had Scott overcoming and surpassing Derek, they were flabbergasted. Derek was a hot white man with an incredible body and a sad backstory. To viewers weaned on television culture, he should have been the lead – or if not the lead, the controlling narrative of the show. It should be Derek’s story that took precedence. But it wasn’t!

The second impulse was, of course, Sterek. There’s nothing wrong with the ship itself, as long as the viewers realized that – no matter what the MTV PR department said – it never had a chance of happening. Regardless of subjective chemistry, Derek wasn’t going to have a romantic relationship with Stiles because it would have taken too much focus off of the actual leader and star of his own show Scott McCall/Tyler Posey. It could have happened, if the show was about Stiles or Derek, but it’s not, and having a relationship between the lead’s two foils, including one closely echoing Derek’s backstory and being illegal, would have required too much focus.

Given these two impulses, the audience had to sell themselves the story that Derek Deserved Nice Things, that he was Not a Failwolf, in order to satisfy them. So that’s why they ignored the terrible things Derek did to others, especially to his own betas – seducing Erica, hurting Isaac, withholding information from all three of them – that sent two of them running for the hills and one of them running for Scott.

Cookie: Oh my god. Oh my god this is so horrible, what the fuck. 

PEW: This is the belief that Jeff Davis tortured Derek for no other reason than his and the audience’s sadistic amusement. 

!!! That is exactly what happened. Tyler has remarked on how he had to work any scraps of backstory for Derek aside from Tall Dark and Brooding like he was trying to pull teeth. Dylan said in an interview that “Have you seen him? We have to torture him, otherwise everything is too sexy for him.” Derek was only there to be abused. And that’s fine! God knows I love a good whump, and it is a popular dynamic that one of the main characters always has to be. Think Jace Wayland from The Mortal Instruments, with his tragic backstory. Or Harry Potter, spending his childhood abused at worst and neglected at best. The only difference is, those characters got a break from the abuse, they had sanctuaries to go to and people who protected them, but Derek never did*. 

*Except, of course, for Stiles, who protected Derek even when he hated him, even when he was afraid of him. I’m not even saying in a shippy way, but the only person who consistently was there to defend Derek was Stiles. Not Scott. Scott would never do anything for Derek unless he somehow got something out of it first; how about, trying to make Derek promise not to hurt Allison before being willing to free him from Kate’s torture dungeon? This even after Derek has done nothing to hurt Allison or imply he ever would, and going so far as to take her home when Scott decided going to a party was more important than learning how to werewolf, thus putting everyone, and Allison, in danger. This even after Derek has every right to hate Allison’s family, and not go out of his way to protect her. Which he absolutely did here. 

I had to scroll back up for this, but: “the toxic woobification also known as “Derek Deserves Nice Things.”

How lacking in empathy do you have to be to think that one of the main characters deserving nice things is toxic? Derek Hale DOES deserve nice things, for fucks sake he’s EARNED them after everything he’s been through. (And, not to compare trauma because that is equally toxic, but since they seem intent on doing it anyway: Derek has been through much more and much more than Scott. He, more than anyone on the show, deserves to have a goddamn break and a little sympathy.) 

I just. I can’t even touch on that last part about Derek deserving everything he got. That is so tone deaf and blind, how did PEW even manage to watch this show? Clearly he can’t see what’s right in front of him. Derek did not deserve what he got at all. Hell, NO ONE deserve the level of unending abuse Derek was put through for the sake of whump. 

“Derek let his fear of the Argents and his shame about his actions with Kate (and Paige) influence his actions. He didn’t trust Scott; he didn’t share information freely with Scott.”

Yikes. First off, as I already said, Derek had every reason to fear the Argents. They murdered his family. Derek has no way of knowing how many of them were involved; the only one who couldn’t have been was Allison, since she was a child. But Chris? Victoria? Yeah, Derek was right to fear them. And even if you take away the death of his family, the Argents are HUNTERS. They KILL WEREWOLVES, something Scott never did manage to figure out because he was too concerned with getting his dick wet. Even going so far as to side with them in the worst moment of cinematic history, before he even knew them or had reason to defend them. Allison was a pretty girl, and Derek was telling him what her family did to his, and Scott decided the Pretty Girl won over the death of Derek’s family, children included. 

As for trusting Scott? When did Scott every prove himself trustworthy? I’m sorry, but if someone looked me in the eyes and told me that maybe my family deserved to burn alive, I wouldn’t ever trust them. There is nothing they could do to earn my trust after that. But eventually Derek comes around, showing that he is in fact a better person that I am. Because I would have thrown Scott right at the Argent’s feet for that comment, and let them see just how merciful they really are. And that isn’t even touching on how Scott lied to Allison about her mother’s pack, directly resulting in her hunting down Derek and his pack, and attempting to kill two of her classmates. Conveniently, the two people Scott had claimed to care about when it was convenient for him as a way to keep Derek from building a pack. 

“The thought that Derek Hale was only there for Scott to learn what not to do never even occurred to them.” No character’s sole purpose is to be a foil. A character may be designed as a foil, but first and foremost, they are their own character. A thought that apparently never occurred to PEW. As much as he wishes it did, the show did not revolve around Scott, and neither did the characters. Because while he was the main character, he was not it’s only character. 

“Sterek. There’s nothing wrong with the ship itself, as long as the viewers realized that  – no matter what the MTV PR department said – it never had a chance of happening.”

Once again, PEW entirely misses the point. I don’t think anyone ever genuinely believed Sterek was going to be canon. We all knew better than that, we were not yet in an age where queer relationships happen on screen for anything other than comic relief like a sideshow freak; there only briefly. They weren’t going to do that with their main characters, because then they would have to get rid of them! Like when they wrote off Danny and Ethan, and kept Mason and Corey mostly out of the picture when they were together, or when they brought back Ethan and Jackson for the very end-for no reason other than exploiting Colton coming out and getting those diversity points! (Which were very much not earned, in my opinion. It was pandering at best.) 

It wasn’t the fact that Sterek was never going to be canon that made people so angry; it was the fact that Jeff kept dangling it in front of the fandom for years, once he saw how popular it was becoming. He would talk in interviews about how much he loved the Sterek dynamic, tweet about how much he supported it, and then write barely any scenes were Stiles and Derek interacted. We knew it wasn’t going to happen, and we didn’t appreciate being mocked. 

“[...] and having a relationship between the lead’s two foils, including one closely echoing Derek’s backstory and being illegal, would have required too much focus..” 

But it wasn’t too much focus when any other characters got together? No, of course not, because other relationships didn’t challenge Scott with their popularity. It’s okay not to like a ship, but don’t be so sanctimonious about it. 

Also, illegal? Cute that he brings this up as a ‘concern’ when it comes to Sterek, but where was the outrage when they started pushing for Lydia and Parish? You know, that 24 year old cop fantasizing about showering/amking out with a 17 year old girl? I think the power dynamics with that are inherently far more problematic than little old Sterek. 

“So that’s why they ignored the terrible things Derek did to others, especially to his own betas – seducing Erica, hurting Isaac, withholding information from all three of them – that sent two of them running for the hills and one of them running for Scott.”

The tag Derek Hale Is A Failwolf currently has 569 works in it. That’s a pretty good amount, considering many people don’t get into specific tags like that. I’ve never seen anyone ignore what Derek did; and on a broad level, no one is ignoring that Derek seducing Erica was kind of gross, or that hurting Isaac was wrong. Keeping information from them wasn’t the best idea either, but Derek did it from a place of trying to protect them. They were kids, and he was their alpha; he was trying to deal with the dangers like the alpha pack on his own because he didn’t want to put them in harms way. Unlike Scott who withholds information that directly puts them in harms way (see: lying to Allison about her mother). 

Derek also hurts Isaac during training. Rough? Yes. Unnecessary? Well, I would say that depends. Derek was showing Isaac what his body was capable of doing; he could heal, something he never had before. You can’t deny that gave Isaac some new perspective and a hell of a lot of confidence, no longer afraid to be hurt. 

And then you have Scott, who disgusting abuses Isaac to assert control over him. He was not trying to teach Isaac anything, he was just angry and jealous that Isaac wanted to kiss Allison, who had broken up with Scott, and made it clear that she didn’t want him waiting for her. They. Were. Not. Together. Scott had no claim to her, he wasn’t ‘defending her honor’, he was being an asshole ex. And Isaac paid the price, getting abused by his so called alpha. And what could he do in that situation? Scott was housing him; by challenging him, Isaac would be risking getting kicked out with nowhere else to go. A great situation to put an abuse survivor in. Scott had all the power and authority in their relationship, so do not try to paint Scott as the savior that welcomed him after he was banished by the big bad Derek. 

As usual, PEW is watching a very different show than the rest of us. But it does not revolve around Scott, and it never did. The characters all had their own lives and motivations. 

And, Derek Hale does in fact deserve nice things. Especially if those nice things involve a long vacation to somewhere that has no wifi, no cell reception, and no way to  be reached by a certain self-righteous teenager, with a certain human at his side. 

[citrus-feline]

ppl really are just like “lol ur just sad bcuz ur not allowed to be lazy” when mentally ill & disabled people complain about capitalism making them actually want to commit suicide because it makes us all seem like burdens.

how can you have such a lack of empathy?? for a fucking Second just imagine what it would be like from that persons perspective before telling them that they should suck it up and just do it (somehow?? despite their situations making that near impossible, if not outright).

idk what to tell you if you think that this is a thing that is okay to let happen. it is not uncommon to any degree for people in this type of situation to feel like a burden and to consider things as drastic as suicide. that isn’t uncommon. that happens, a lot. but you’d rather believe that we are all in some kind of evil group of dumb kids who pretend just because they want to be lazy??? there are kids who do that, yeah, but the majority of people who complain about this kind of thing aren’t like that.

you can continue to tell us that we are awful people for thinking this way, and i want you to know that it isn’t helping. you saying that shit is upright making it worse. even if it WAS true, what is the point of saying it? you are implying that people who go through this Deserve to feel like burdens and Deserve to want to commit suicide, even if that wasn’t your intention. that is what we see when you type that out.

you all act like we never have tried and we are just sitting with our unknowing perceptions of how things work, but let me tell you that almost all of us have tried, multiple times at that. finding a job with these circumstances in the first place is incredibly difficult. i can sometimes do an okay job at getting people to believe that i’m normal because my appearance isn’t really affected by what i go through, while other people don’t have that grace. and even then, even when i was hired after months and months of searching and being turned down over and over and over because my personality wasn’t what they wanted..... my employer would eventually learn that i am not normal. it’s Really hard to hide that type of thing when it affects you every single day of your life, turns out.

even taking the horrible process of getting hired into account, people will act like when you are hired that you are good and it’s all easy from there. it isn’t. it really isn’t. i worked as long as i did for my past jobs because i went in thinking that everything wrong with me would go away when i finally got to that point. because that’s what people act like. unfortunately, that isn’t how it works. i would find myself dreading work after a month or two. by the third month i would consider suicide nearly every minute on the job, to the point of me getting so scared that my employer would notice and i would get fired or i would end up quitting because i don’t want to die just yet.

you can go on and on about how young adults these days are just too sensitive and don’t understand anything, but like... im starting to think that everyone from older generations that felt this way just... died? killed themselves? or couldn’t find a job and ended up on the streets? you know that tons of homeless people are mentally ill or disabled to some extent, right? you know that, right??? and even with all of that you still continue to say how entitled we all are when we literally just want to survive.

my dream for what i want my future to be isn’t crazy or over the top. i just want to live with my boyfriend, get married in a few years, and maybe try to go to school when i feel ready. my goal in life is to just be happy. it isn’t to be rich or famous like you all seem to think it is. i just want to survive with the person i love. i want to be happy. why is that such an awful thing to want? how am i a bad person for wanting to be happy?

im quiet and always do as im told. i dont go out of my way to make things hard for other people. yes, doing things can be really hard for me, and they normally are. but ill end up doing it, it just might take a while. the problem with how things work is the expectation of happening fast and without issue. i’ve always done things slowly because of how much thought i put into everything. it has always, even since i was very young, difficult for me to work myself towards doing something.

this isn’t something that developed during high school like so many people seem to assume. i’ve been depressed and anxious for as long as i can remember. i remember being REALLY weird when i was very young, and that’s because i didn’t understand what was wrong with me. i was miserable most of the time, even as early as elementary school. i feel like i didn’t ever have the happy, lazy experience that everyone assumes i’m trying to keep in my life. i can’t keep that if i never had it. and even if i could somehow make it happen, it hasn’t. i’m in a pretty understanding situation with my boyfriend, and i’m given time to do things. he understands how hard things are for me, and doesn’t automatically just call me lazy like everyone else seems to. it makes me feel like i have some kind of worth.

isn’t it depressing to think about the fact that i will often find myself thinking that i am worthless because of the lack of what i do? i will find myself looking at me at the core and think “yeah this is worthless, and it should be thrown away”. even when i do well i think this way. nothing is ever enough, and no matter how hard i work to ignore it, my issues won’t magically vanish. i WISH they did. and i’ve tried so hard to make that happen. but it doesn’t. this isn’t something that is simply just a made up problem that i’ve convinced myself to believe. i was suffering from this before i even knew you COULD be like this. i just always thought that i was weird and broken and unlovable and... worthless. even as a kid. i tried the same tactic of making myself do tons of things in order to try to make it go away, but it didn’t work. being the smart kid never worked. being the kid who really wanted to have fun and play but assumed i couldn’t because i needed to work harder to be ‘normal’ like all the other kids Never Worked. i never had more than 5 friends at a time for the large majority of my school life. that got a little better in high school when i started to accept whats wrong with me, but even then it was still pretty bleak.

i just. i don’t get how people can come on here, look at a post written by someone struggling for other people struggling, and then tell everyone who agrees with it that they are all just lazy and awful people. does that make you feel good about yourself? you know that we all already know that we are far from normal, right? i know only one or two people who have gone through this all without mental illness or disability contributing, but so many more who experience it with those things being the core.

if you hate disabled and mentally ill people, just say it. because you acting like you are morally superior because you are lucky enough to be able to tolerate the work environment of today is obviously how you feel. we know that people hate us. we do. i’ve been verbally abused plenty over this exact thing, from lots of different people acting like they “know the best” for me.

please just. stop talking to us if you are so unwilling to listen. we listen to you constantly. its a rare case to come across other people being loud about this type of thing without outright looking for it. if you look for it, you can find it, but i wouldn’t have ever thought to do that for most of my life. the only reason i learned what was wrong with me was because a school counselor in middle school got so concerned for me that she made me see her once a week to talk about how i see the world. and turns out, most people DONT see it the way i do! wow! sounds stupid but i actually had NO idea that i saw things so differently than other people. what a shocker, right? well, it sure was for me when i was just learning then that some people have things like depression or anxiety.

im done with this post. im tired and im going to think about something else.

[another-tiny-ant]

Why an ant? What’s it all about?

So I heard that Tumblr is the place to come to vent your feelings, and I have been told by various counsellors, etc, that I ought to write things down to help clear my head. I got out a notebook and felt far too embarrassed to put pen to paper, and there was greater risk of someone I know finding it, which would humiliate me even more. So the internet it is- in true millennial form. I don't expect anyone to read this- I actually kind of hope they don’t. But I think I need to start talking, and typing/writing has always come more easily to me. Also this way, I can avoid burdening or upsetting the people I care about. So here goes...

I think mental health problems have always been there for me. I was bullied from the second I started socialising with other kids, and I’ve often wondered why that was. I have a learning disability, dyspraxia, which has affected my coordination, processing, speech (especially when I first started school), as well as other vital life skills, like organisation and planning. I know that, especially because I was undiagnosed, but also because kids are cruel, this marked me out as ‘stupid’ or ‘vulnerable’- an ‘easy target’- or whatever, but I don't think that can have been the only reason. Perhaps I was simply too timid, or kind, or willing to please, and so I got stamped all over (fortunately only ever verbally, though I say “only”...). It sounds pretentious talking about myself like that. But school was simply something to survive for me, not to enjoy, ever, for the whole fourteen miserable years I endured. Despite that, I have always had a love and thirst for knowledge and learning, and that was where I found my solace when things got too much for me- getting my head down in the textbooks (especially because most of my teachers were useless, or even abusive, to varying degrees), finding problems and then finding ways around them. I had to fight my own way through, and find my own coping strategies, because there was never anyone in school either with the time, empathy or will to care. I suppose that’s something to be proud of- I thrashed my own path through that jungle of dashed young hopes and dreams. Though that sounds painfully bleak.

I would be lying if I said I've never had friends, or fun, or love. I certainly have. Though I think my experiences have made it hard for me to trust people- I open up reasonably easily- though only superficially I suppose- but I find it very hard to trust. Friends have taught me to expect people to be unreliable. There are exceptions though. Can you tell, I’m forcing myself to be positive? I have people to see and talk to- I just crave some kind of connection or kinship that I haven’t really found from friends. The one person, however, with whom I do share that kinship, who ‘gets me’, and always not only exceeds, but explodes my expectations, is my boyfriend. Whenever I am down, or vulnerable, or upset, he doesn’t recoil, or ignore me, or push me down more, as I would expect any person to do- he gives me his hand and helps me up. He helps me brush down my clothes, clean myself up. He puts a smile on my face and reminds me that some people at least, are good. Not just good, but pure. Loving, open souls who spread positivity, like light that shines from their bodies and penetrates even the darkest shadows. And he does all of that, without even realising, or making any conscious effort. He is just himself. ‘Just’ implies some kind of put down- but nothing could be more perfect, or glorious. I don’t think he has any clue quite how wonderful he is. In fact, he’ll deny it out of hand. I wish he could see himself as he is reflected in my eyes- perhaps that would make his own battles so much easier to fight.

I have been struggling again recently. Just to state the obvious- anyone who read this I’m sure would see that straight away, just from my tone-of-written-voice. I would at least. But then perhaps, I’m different. I went to my uni GP surgery the other day- when I finally did get them to agree to see me- and tried to speak to one of the GPs there about what’s been going on inside my head. The trouble is, I stammer and struggle to get my words out, or really articulate what I mean, when I get worked up or confronted with those kinds of situations (hence this blog- my mind suddenly becomes less cluttered when I start to write- and less panicked). So the appointment really didn't go well. Added to that, I was very obviously quite under the weather- but the first thing I was told when I arrived was that “we can’t possibly address more than one issue in this appointment”. My mind becomes so much foggier when I’m ill, and my ability to cope becomes virtually non-existent. The only times I’ve ever punched bullies have been when I’ve also been unwell. Anyway, when I started trying to describe how i’d been feeling (and failed dismally to convey quite the aching bleakness I feel in my chest sometimes), the doctor googled a depression questionnaire, and got me to score myself on the questions. Naturally, I paled at the thought of potentially over-exaggerating, as I’m permanently paranoid of undermining the much bigger battles other people experience, so as always, I under-played everything I was feeling, and the results were pretty unrepresentative. Even so, I scored on the depression scale (though that sounds like an utterly arbitrary, bullshit scale to say the least). I suppose that was her way of telling me she was diagnosing me. Five minutes later, I was turfed out of the seat I was in, and clutching a list of phone numbers she’d handed me, as I walked out of the surgery, I felt no closer to mending myself that before I went. If anything, I felt even more cut loose and abandoned, in an institution that wouldn’t care if I lived or died. That’s not to say I’m suicidal, but I do often feel so overwhelmed that i just want to get on a plane and fly far, far away, and never come back. 

In case you hadn’t already guessed, I’ve kind of forgotten where I was trying to go with this. I suppose I’m just pressing keys and spewing words and hoping that I will suddenly feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. Nothing that miraculous has happened, but I do suppose I feel somewhat better for getting things off my chest. I suppose I just find it hard to see the good around me sometimes, and I take for granted what is special around me. I can remember from pretty much when I started talking (and more importantly, people started understanding me- let me tell you, that took a while), I was always called a pessimist. I have to consciously remind myself how lucky I am. I suppose that's why I feel so ashamed to talk about what's inside my mind. But I have my health (physically at least). I have my mind (for the most part). And I have potential. Most importantly though, my family could not be more supportive of me, and openly loving, and I couldn't be luckier to have my extraordinary, sunbeam boyfriend. Christmas is coming up, and not only will i get to escape university, but I will get to go home and spend quality time with the people I love most. I’m not in the slightest bit religious, but I love how everyone makes an effort to put all the crap to one side at Christmas, and just share their love instead. Beyond that, there will be the summer. So there is hope. I just have to keep reminding myself.

I remember now what the whole point of this post was. Haha! What did I say about my planning ability? I wanted to explain my Tumblr name/blog name/whatever-the-fuck-its-called, but basically why I am referring to myself as an ant. The basic reasons- it’s anonymous, first and foremost. But its also non-identifying, non-gender/age/class/creed/etc-specific. The real reason though is that it comes from something my mum has always said to me. So I’ve always been criticised for being a ‘perfectionist’. A counsellor even sent me links to webpages to read all about perfectionism, procrastination, and self-destruction. If I were to write an honest CV, those are probably the ‘skills’ I’d boast about. So when I get worked up about not doing a “good enough” job of something, or putting too much pressure on myself, or I’ve fucked it all up, my mum gently says to me something along these lines: 

“We’re all just tiny ants, scuttling around on the log of the Earth. None of us are more important than the other, but none of us are that important either. That’s not to depress you, but to remind you that existence is short. You’re not around for long. Don’t spend your life stressing about what you’ll achieve. Just do good. Even if it’s just in small ways. Treat people right. Care about the right things. Be kind, always. Make the small changes that you can and live happily. That's what it’s all about in the end. Just do the good that you can.”

That’s not to say that she doesn’t support any ‘big’ ideas that I have. Or that she doesn't tell me “you can achieve anything you set your mind to”, because those are also things she says to me all the time. What she means is take comfort in this perspective- don’t make things matter too much. Save your energy and enjoy your life, because life is short, and you do only get one go at it. And that perspective of being a tiny speck, if even that, in the plane and timescale of existence has always frightened me, but I think I am finally maturing enough to understand what she means. Live your best life, to the best of your abilities, with the best people, and love freely and plentifully. Don’t get yourself wrapped up in what it all means, or what the point of it all is. You’re just an ant- but not “just” an ant. You are a being with a life that you are going to live as best as you can. So this is me, trying to come to terms with the point of it all, but not wrapping myself up in “the point” of it at all. 

I’m Another Tiny Ant. 

🖤🐜🖤

[corellian-smuggler]

THE LAST JEDI SPOILERS REACTION - SPOILERS BELOW

So as you may know, I made the enormous mistake of seeing The Last Jedi in theaters Thursday night. I don’t know what on earth I was thinking, because TFA left me angry and upset and all of the promo leading up to this film was horrific. But I reasoned that I would need to at least be informed--being on tumblr with everyone inevitably arguing about it and without having seen the film would have been miserable. I also wanted to see the movie without spoilers so that my opinions wouldn’t be influenced prior to viewing. But also, despite having very low expectations, I couldn’t help but have just the TINIEST hope that maybe it wouldn’t be quite as bad as I was anticipating? Maybe at least I would be able to enjoy the storylines of Rey, Finn, and Poe? Maybe Luke’s role wouldn’t be THAT bad? And of course, I wanted to see Carrie Fisher in her final film.

As a result, I found myself in the theater with my twin brother, reasonably pessimistic but just the tiniest bit--despite myself--hopeful.

I have never suffered so much during a film in my entire life. There were multiple moments that made me consider getting up and walking out.

If you don’t want spoilers, DO NOT CONTINUE READING, because I am about to detail exactly why I was so upset.

1. The blatant assassination of Luke Skywalker’s character. Yes, he dies at the end of the film, but they killed him long before that. I don’t know who I was supposed to be seeing onscreen, but it was NOT Luke Skywalker. I’m starting with this because it was, in my opinion, the biggest, and most inexcusable transgression made by Rian Johnson (though don’t worry, there are multiple very close runners-up!). I started crying because of what was happening in front of me. First of all, the fact that Luke’s “first instinct” upon sensing the conflict in his nephew was evidently to ignite his lightsaber to kill him is without fail the most disgusting obliteration of a character I’ve ever witnessed. Who wrote this script??? Did they just not ever watch the original trilogy? The entire point of Luke’s character was his REFUSAL TO GIVE UP ON PEOPLE, and his UNWAVERING DEDICATION TO HIS FAMILY, and his INSISTENCE that his father could be saved. Did they miss the fact that even though Vader had ALREADY murdered countless innocent people and served the Emperor and aided in the establishment of a tyrannical, oppressive fascist regime, Luke’s IMMEDIATE reaction was “I won’t fight him, he’s my father, I have to save him.” Did they miss the part where Luke chose to THROW AWAY HIS LIGHTSABER rather than give in to fear and hatred and violence, even if it meant his father killing him? Even if it meant the rebellion’s demise? Did they miss the part where Luke’s FAITH--in humanity, in his family, in the Jedi and the Light Side of the Force--IS THE ENTIRE PURPOSE OF HIS CHARACTER?? THE ENTIRE PURPOSE OF STAR WARS?? THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY?!?! THE TRIUMPH OF FAITH, WITH LUKE BEING THE VERY EMBODIMENT OF IT????? And for some reason I’m suppose to sit there and believe that Luke’s first impulse in sensing the “conflict” in Ben--his own nephew, who hadn’t even done anything bad yet--was to KILL HIM??? To kill HAN AND LEIA’S CHILD?!?!?!?! What the ever loving FUCK kind of travesty is that? Character assassination doesn’t even seem an adequate term for what this is.

And that’s just ONE PART OF IT. There’s also the fact that his nephew and Snoke are running around DESTROYING THE GALAXY and BLOWING UP PLANETS and Luke is THE ONLY PERSON IN THE GALAXY WHO CAN DEFEAT THEM, and he DOESN’T CARE. Rey literally shows up and tells him that Leia is begging for his help, that there are two powerful Dark Side Force wielders that they’re powerless to fight, and that Han is DEAD. And Luke doesn’t fucking care. Sorry, but a Luke Skywalker who doesn’t race off to help his loved ones is not Luke Skywalker at all. Once again, this is 100% entirely and completely incompatible with all three films of the OT. Add to that the fact that Luke spends the entire first 2/3 of the film bitterly sneering at himself--about how stupid he was, mocking the very notion of Luke Skywalker as a hero, shitting all over the Jedi, calling himself a vain, ignorant failure... It honestly felt like a personal attack. It was literally the way that angry, dangerous male Star Wars fans who insist that the rebels were terrorists and glorify the Empire and say that the Jedi were no better than the Sith talk about Luke: with spite and disdain and cruelly irreverent, angry scorn designed to cow and hurt the people who think of Luke and the rebels as heroes. Except it wasn’t some reddit post. It was happening onscreen and coming out of Luke’s own mouth.

I honestly, truly do not understand how any fan of the original trilogy could ever think that Luke Skywalker would be tempted to murder his nephew, or turn his back on the Jedi, or be unwilling to go to Leia after learning Han is DEAD, or just not care about the fact that without his intervention, billions of people would die or be enslaved. I was literally crying tears of fury and horror and disbelief and grief. And then, what? He has 5 seconds of remorse and uses the Force to project himself across the galaxy to buy time for the resistance, and then he just? Dies? 

What the fuck was the point of having him be in the movies, then? What was the point of including him in the films if all that they wanted him for was to destroy his legacy, make him out to be a coward, rip every single thing that was ever true about Luke Skywalker to shreds, and then give him a quick “redemption” and kill him off like he was nothing? He just fucking dies off on that island after years of hiding from his problems, and even at the very end insisting to Leia that he won’t try to save Ben, that he’s not a hero, that he’s nothing? I am just, so angry that my anger is the only thing standing between me and utter devastation. I literally watched Rian Johnson murder Luke Skywalker and piss on his grave. He did everything in his power to kill any notions that anyone had of Luke Skywalker as the hero he is.

2. Kylo Ren apologism. This was easily the second biggest thing I had a problem with. First and foremost, the fact that they had the AUDACITY to write off his fall to the Dark Side on LUKE SKYWALKER OF ALL PEOPLE. They were so desperate to make him “sympathetic” and “relatable”--and to contrive some bullshit reason for Luke to be in exile--that they decided to make LUKE be at fault?!?! It wasn’t enough that they had to imply in interviews that Han and Leia were “neglectful,” now they also have to tell us that Luke was trying to murder him? First of all, that still doesn’t excuse mass murder, let’s just be clear on that. NOTHING they could have written would have been a valid excuse for what Kylo Ren has done. Nothing would make it “ok” or understandable. 

So once again, the writers have gone out of their way to make one of the OT heroes look like a piece of shit for the sake of the new characters, no matter what a disservice it is to the original trilogy, to the fans who love it, and to the characters who MAKE Star Wars STAR WARS. I literally wish I could look Kathleen Kennedy and Rian Johnson in the eyes and demand that they try to explain themselves. I wish I could look them in the eyes and ask how they could have EVER thought it was acceptable to suggest that Luke “failed” his nephew, that he tried to kill him. I want to ask them to explain to Star Wars fans why they thought it was ok to sacrifice Luke Skywalker to the Kylo Ren storyline--to destroy Luke to create that monster.

And that’s not even speaking of the fact that they are literally asking the audience to sympathize with a fascist murderer. Half of the movie was trying to get viewers to “rethink” what they thought they knew about Kylo Ren, to see that it wasn’t his fault, that it was awful LUKE who tried to kill him, and what would we have done? Kylo Ren aids in blowing up billions of innocent people. He orders the death of a whole village of innocent people. He serves the supreme overlord of a paramilitary organization bent on conquering and enslaving the galaxy. He might not be officially Sith, but he IS the Dark Side, which is, in case the writers forgot, a PERVERSION of the Force and pure EVIL. How DARE Rian Johnson, in a reality where we turn on the news daily to find school shooters (which Kylo Ren has done), terrorist attacks (which Kylo Ren has participated in), rapists (which Kylo Ren has symbolically done), racists (Kylo Ren aids a racist military regime), and entitled, wrathful white pissbabies (which Kylo Ren is), and ask us to SYMPATHIZE with the embodiment of ALL of those things??? How can he dare expect us to have empathy for this man? And at the expense of LUKE SKYWALKER? 

And then there’s the fact that not once, but TWICE Kylo Ren is referred to as “just a boy,” first by Snoke and then by Luke. Funny, Kylo Ren was a grown man when he destroyed the Jedi Order, when last I checked. But please, tell me again how he’s only a CHILD, just like society does every time any twenty/thirty-something white man rapes/kills/shoots people. Snoke also says that Kylo Ren has “too much of Han Solo’s heart” in him. Now, granted this is coming from Snoke, so it was most likely just to manipulate and torment Kylo Ren, but nevertheless, as it was consistent with the near constant theme of infantilizing and humanizing Kylo Ren, it ENRAGED ME. Kylo Ren has not one single SLIVER of Han Solo’s heart in him. If he did, he would never have joined the Dark Side, or the remnants of the Empire. He would never have murdered countless people in cold blood. He would never have participated in a genocide. He would never have tortured innocent civilians. He would never have KILLED HIS FATHER or have ordered his army to KILL HIS MOTHER. Kylo Ren is NOTHING like Han Solo.

The forced romance with Rey and Kylo was absurd. First of all, I swear to you there are countless shitty fanfics that did this exact same fucking premise of the Force connection--right down to the lack of clothes--so literally we were fed bad fanfiction. Kylo Ren tortured Rey, killed her mentor before her eyes, mortally wounded her only friend, terrified her, invaded her mind while taunting her that he could take whatever he wanted and could invade all her private thoughts and feelings in a scene heavily coded as a metaphorical rape, and almost killed her in the last film. And yet, we’re supposed to believe that because, oh, that’s right, LUKE APPARENTLY TRIED TO KILL KYLO REN, that just excuses all those things Ren did to her and now she has romantic feelings for him? Someone please call up all the women in the world who have been beaten or raped and tell them about something traumatic that had happened in their abuser’s past; they’ll be sure to have romantic feelings for them then!!!! The scene where he had his shirt off?! As though he’s some desirable heartthrob eye candy, and not a WHINY, ENTITLED FASCIST DARK SIDE MURDERER and the VILLAIN of the franchise???? It was sickening.

And yet, I’m not even sure what any of it was trying to accomplish? They went through all that trouble to woobify him and make him “sympathetic” (*derisive snort*), but then he still ended up succeeding Snoke as the new Emperor 2.0 and establishing himself as DECIDEDLY evil, even heartlessly ordering the death of his own mother, and Luke AND LEIA now both said that he can’t be redeemed. So what was the point of all that woobification??? Because now rey will try to redeem him in IX? Yeah, hard pass on that, thanks.

Someone please explain to me why they are literally plot point for plot point giving Rey Luke’s exact story, but also at the same time ripping that story away from Luke as though he hadn’t already done it all before? 

3. Rey as a result was entirely unlikable in the film. I went from enjoying her character in the last movie despite all the film’s flaws and the fact that they destroyed Han, Luke, and Leia for her sake, to simply hating her. She came across as ridiculously stupid--walking straight back into the custody of the First Order mere days after having escaped, because now she’s in love with the man who violated and tortured her and killed her father figure and blew up multiple planets? Wtf? And not only that, but what had been a feminist achievement--a female protagonist of a Star Wars film--was turned into a young woman “understanding” the pain of a fascist murderer and “fixing him” with her love. But failing? So again..... what was the point? To make Rey look stupid? Well, they succeeded. It basically just felt like Rian Johnson getting away with putting his own weird sexual fantasies onscreen as much as he could get away with.

4. Finn and Rose were entirely irrelevant. Finn was BLATANTLY demoted from co-protagonist to supporting role, and his side-plot with Rose was so sloppily done that it was obvious his character was an afterthought at best. But we know why that is (racism. It’s because racism). Their little side-trip to casino planet was visually incompatible with the rest of the Star Wars films, rushed, poorly executed, and, above all else, entirely pointless. They accomplished literally nothing and would have died had it not been for Whatsherface Holdo. And that kiss at the end was so out of nowhere that I was literally in disbelief. They’d literally only known each other for a few hours, and yet somehow we’re already having talk of “saving what we love” and kissing???? It was so uncomfortable and fell so flat and was so obviously only included to shove Finn out of the way so that Rey could want Kylo Ren and try to soothe his Man PainTM. Because, once again, racism. Finn’s entire sequence of waking up, by the way, serving as cheap, demeaning comedy at his expense, was weird and unnecessary. Someone please explain to me why they needed to have him walk around base naked and squirting water all over the place? What even was that? Another moment that didn’t feel like it belonged in a Star Wars movie. Oh, and his being framed once again as a traitor and a deserter for trying to get off the ship in the escape pod. Uh, hey so, pretty sure Finn isn’t ENLISTED and therefore he wasn’t DESERTING, first of all, and second of all, pretty sick of this trend of making the heroes look like cowards while trying to make the villains look like victims.

5. Just general bad writing, mischaracterization and sloppy work. Literally nothing happened for the whole movie. The resistance ran away from the First Order for like two hours of screen time while Luke milked alien animal titty and sneered at Rey and refused to help his sister. Then the resistance almost escaped but didn’t and had to keep running away. Then the resistance almost escaped again but didn’t and had to keep running away again. And then they again were almost safe but weren’t, and finally had to run away for good. It was so underwhelming that I literally couldn’t even believe it was approved. Who signed off on this? The whole thing was just a ship running away from another ship with lots of mentions of “almost out of fuel!!!!” and then getting in a different ship to keep fleeing. 

Also, Leia did literally NOTHING in the whole movie except almost die, slap Poe in the face, stun Poe, and look sad. So? K cool. Also they made it a point to say that they were broadcasting a distress call with Princess Leia’s personal code “because people believe in Leia,” but then they said the distress call was received and ignored by their allies. Indicating that no one actually believes in or cares enough about Princess fucking Leia to go to her aid. Because they just really had to drive in the knife that the OT characters are irrelevant and sad distortions of what they once were. Oh, and as a result evidently the First Order was able to blow up multiple planets and no one else in the galaxy tried to stand up and stop them from trying to take power?

Poe for some reason was characterized as this trigger happy, impulsive, irresponsible hothead who blundered around a lot and almost got the resistance destroyed multiple times and then this was never resolved. He just kept blundering until the end when Rey lifted the boulders for their escape. So, AGAIN, making the heroes look bad for no reason.

That Holdo character was so dumb I don’t even understand????? Why couldn’t she just tell the resistance what the plan was???? Literally they were all on a ship running out of fuel and thinking she was planning to just keep running til they ran out of gas and all got blown up. That entire nonsense situation wouldn’t have happened if she had just told the people whose lives were in her hands that she wasn’t just giving them up for dead. And if she was planning to die herself anyways, why didn’t she lightspeed at the First Order sooner? And how did a collision at light speed not obliterate the entire ship? How the hell did Finn and Rose walk away from that? So sloppy, so many plot holes there.

All that build-up to Snoke and he was irrelevant and now dead. They literally just presented us with the half-baked Emperor rip-off and then said “nah JK” and disposed of him. He was entirely pointless. Why not just start off the trilogy with Kylo Ren as the Supreme Leader, then, for all the effect that Snoke had (none) on the story?

Rey went “straight to the Dark Side” while meditating and was sneaking around with Kylo Ren and Luke didn’t trust her motivations at all, but then Yoda just appears and says that Rey already knows everything she needs to know about being a Jedi without Luke needing to teach her (um, what? how? Two days prior she didn’t even know what the Force even was?) and then that’s just magically resolved and she’s just now somehow all good to take up the mantle of the last jedi in the galaxy? Despite her overt foray into the Dark Side, which was seemingly without remorse? Despite the fact that she legit didn’t have a single second of training other than Luke telling her “the Force binds all living things and the Jedi shouldn’t have fucked with it”? Also, how could she do a Jedi mind trick without trying? How could she levitate stones without training? How could she best Luke with no training? Entirely inconsistent with the previous two trilogies, as was every word that came out of Yoda’s and Luke’s mouths. And then Snoke calling her a Jedi? SHE WASN’T A JEDI!!!! 

Leia saying “I changed my hair” as her first words to Luke? What the hell was that? I understand that it was a nod at what Han said to her in VII, but it was out of place and wrong. She should have run to him and hugged, like she did every single other time they reunited in the OT. 

The whole thing about Luke’s death being at peace seemed like they needed Rey and Leia to explain it to the audience, because otherwise no one would get it because it made no sense. Also the way they lowkey implied that Luke had finally gotten “purpose” with his death, as if he hadn’t already had purpose BEFORE when he was SAVING THE WHOLE GALAXY???? As if Luke needed to be redeemed???? Why was I given a story in which Luke Skywalker, the HERO, was in need of a redemption? And am I to understand that he just, exerted himself to death? Uh, ok......? Where’s that meme of Padme saying “Guess I’ll die” when you need it?

Also why was the ancestral Skywalker family lightsaber calling to Rey if she’s not related to them (assuming that Kylo Ren was telling the truth)? Why was she seeing Luke in her dreams? Because she’s “The chosen one”? Didn’t we already HAVE a chosen one? And speaking of that... wasn’t that supposed to have brought balance to the Force? And it... didn’t?

I’m glad that Luke legit asked who the fuck Rey was to be the one to be sent to him, because that made literally no sense whatsoever.

The scenes were cutting all over the place and felt choppy. The pacing was rushed and the plot forced in many places. The tone was all over the place. The humor was inappropriate and fell flat. It visually did not look like Star Wars. In fact, I felt like Rian Johnson did everything in his power to give us a movie that was as un-Star Wars-like as possible.

6. Somehow also an awful rehash of Empire Strikes Back?? If you were paying attention to the plot, it’s not hard to figure out that they were trying to subtly give us Empire Strikes Back in disguise. Film starts with the evacuation of the rebel--oops sorry, resistance base. Proceed to have two of our main heroes being pursued by the Empire across the galaxy, while the Force Sensitive Protagonist is off trying to persuade the Exiled Jedi Master to train her, and he doesn’t want to. Then she ventures into a Dark Side cave and has a disturbing (and just weird?) vision. Then, while Secondary Heroes try to outrun the Empire First Order, she convinces the Exiled Jedi to train her against his best judgment, but she has More Force Visions of her friends of the man whose dick she seemingly wants to suck and so she Leaves Exile Planet to go have a Confrontation with the Evil Force User where she learns a revelation about her parents and is invited to join the Dark Side but Makes An Escape. Then more fleeing from the Empire First Order. Then she rejoins the other lead characters in time to Escape Again, with some slight deviation from the plot--jumping ahead for Luke to die à la Yoda at the beginning of ROTJ, just as she reached her “Dagobah” a film early, as well.

They literally tried to sell us the exact same movie--but they used the same template with all the wrong actual content. They made a cheap knock-off of ESB and filled it with a Luke Skywalker in disgrace, a protagonist flirting (in more ways than one) with the Dark Side, the normalization of the Dark Side, and the destruction of central Star Wars themes.

So, all in all, they are simply reselling the original trilogy but also undoing the original trilogy and assassinating Han, Luke, and Leia as they go. I left the theater the instant the credits rolled. The ONLY positive thing I can say about it is that Mark and Carrie (RIP, she was hard to watch) gave good performances, even though their characters were ruined. I am heartbroken and obviously very angry. I am aware that this was supposed to be a review but became instead an angry rant, but I am as unapologetic of that fact as is Rian Johnson for what he’s done. In my opinion, Star Wars is irrevocably destroyed. The damage following VII was considerable, but this film just really took the cake. This is not my Star Wars, and I will never make the mistake of seeing another Star Wars movie again.

[fourplayergame]

An Analysis on Jason Dean

Being callous, cynical and disrespectful of othersI’ve wanted to make a post on this ever since I watched the musical + movie a few weeks ago. I want to make a disclaimer before I get into the rest of the post, however: Just because I’m making a point about this obviously horrible person, that does not mean that I believe that people with the disorders that I will be pointing out are bad people. 

The case of Jason Dean is simply me throwing headcanons, and using logic to back these headcanons up. If you don’t agree, then that’s your opinion that you are more than welcome to. 

This post also does not serve to justify his actions in the movie and musical. Jason Dean is a horrible, horrible person. No mental illness or diagnosis can change or justify his actions. 

With that out of the way, I’ll start my analysis under the cut. 

From my research of different disorders, Jason Dean shows very obvious signs and symptoms of two Cluster B personality disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder and Anti-Social Personality Disorder. In this post, I’ll be going in-depth with my reasoning as to why I feel that these two disorders fit Jason Dean as a character... Without including the murders that litter the plot of Heathers. They’re self-explanatory, and I feel that including them would be in bad taste, and there’s plenty of other subtextual things that prove my headcanon without the outright implication of “he murdered three people, that’s more than enough proof he has these disorders.” 

I’ll start with Borderline Personality Disorder. The list of symptoms that I will be using for this post can be found [here]. I’ll be going down the list and pointing canonical facts to support my claims. 

Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned

This one is fairly obvious, considering how he’s very quick to get upset over the idea of Veronica leaving him. He’ll do whatever it takes to keep her from leaving, because he needs her. See his promise to change in Seventeen, as well as his reaction when she breaks up with him after McNamara’s attempted suicide. 

The attempt to bomb the school falls under this, due to his views of the school + student body “taking” her from him, and causing her to abandon him. 

Also, see his warning to Veronica in Freeze Your Brain:

But the sky’s gonna hurt when it falls So you’d better start building some walls

A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

Four words: Meant To Be Yours. He’s so mood-swingy about Veronica in the song, and it’s one of the things that makes it so amazing to me. He goes from sadness to anger in a split second, and then back again. 

Not to mention the very beginning of the song!

You chucked me out like I was trash, For that you should be dead-- But! But! But! Then it hit me like a flash! What if high school went away instead?

It’s also important to note his views of the Heathers and the Jocks: they’re all terrible people who deserved to die. There’s no gray area when it comes to people for him. People are either good or bad, with no in between. 

Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self

His entire identity, throughout the musical, revolves around Veronica’s love for him.As long as Veronica loves him, he’s... Okay. Ish. 

Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating. 

I know that I said that I wouldn’t use the murders to prove my point,  but I feel this is a necessary place to: his decision to kill Heather Chandler is impulsive. A spur of the moment thing, and something that he obviously doesn’t think through very well. He’s very aware of how risky the situation is, yet he continues to not tell Veronica that she grabbed the wrong cup. 

Also in the movie he rides his motorcycle without a helmet. 

Self-harming behavior, such as cutting

The entirety of Freeze Your Brain. 

Also, in Meant to Be Yours:

You left me and I fell apart I punched the wall and cried BAM! BAM! BAM!

Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats

Once again, look at Freeze Your Brain and the fact that he??? Literally kills himself at the end. 

When the voice in your head Says your better off dead Don’t open a vein Just freeze your brain!

Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days

Again, I would like to point you to the  entire end of the musical, where his mood is changing rapidly. Not just in Meant to Be Yours, but also between Dead Girl Walking (Reprise) and Damaged.

Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger

Once Again, see Meant to Be Yours. Also, in general, how he gets incredibly angry over little things throughout the musical. Especially when he points the gun at Veronica, even if it is an accident. 

Difficulty trusting, which is sometimes accompanied by irrational fear of other people’s intentions

Freeze Your Brain’s beginning:

Don’t learn the names Don’t bother with faces

Now, for ASPD, or Antisocial Personality Disorder, I will be using the symptoms listed [here].

Antisocial personality disorder, sometimes called sociopathy, is a mental condition in which a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others. People with antisocial personality disorder tend to antagonize, manipulate or treat others harshly or with callous indifference. They show no guilt or remorse for their behavior.

Individuals with antisocial personality disorder often violate the law, becoming criminals. They may lie, behave violently or impulsively, and have problems with drug and alcohol use. Because of these characteristics, people with this disorder typically can't fulfill responsibilities related to family, work or school.

Disregard for right and wrong.

I feel that this one is fairly obvious. JD doesn’t really care if what he’s doing fits into society’s definition of “right” and “wrong.” He’s doing his own thing, and that’s all that really matters to him. 

Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others.

Did you meant: The Entire Musical and Movie? JD consistently lies to Veronica to get her to go along with what he wants to do. He purposefully doesn’t tell her that she grabbed the wrong cup, and also the whole “Ich Luge Bullets” lie. Both to exploit Veronica into helping him achieve his less-than-morally-sound goals. 

Being callous, cynical and disrespectful of others.

He has no respect for most other people, especially not the authority figures in his life. Veronica is an exception, in some ways. But even then? 

He’s a very callous and cynical person, and for fuck’s sake. He shoots a gun in the house just to piss his dad off. 

Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure.

Again, please see literally the entire musical. The Ich Luge Bullets scene comes to mind again, as well as his manipulation of Heather Duke to get those signatures for the note. He’s a manipulative person who’ll go to the extreme to accomplish what he wants. 

Arrogance, a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated.

“Our Love is God.” JD has a severe God Complex, labeling himself as the Judge, Jury, and Executioner of all those who had done terrible things at Westerburg. 

His opinions are really all that matters to him, and let’s take a look at the movie for a lovely example. In the scene where he takes Veronica away from the pasture? When he’s pissed about her spending time with another Heather? 

“Sorry, I’m feeling a little superior tonight.” Followed by the iconic: “Our love is God, let’s go get a Slushie.” quote. 

Recurring problems with the law, including criminal behavior.

Ignoring the murders? There’s still the fights that he gets into. 

Repeatedly violating the rights of others through intimidation and dishonesty.

Meant to Be Yours. Just, the entirety of Meant to Be Yours. He’s intimidating Veronica because he wants her back, not caring about how she feels about the situation. He’ll do anything to get her back, because she makes him feel loved. It’s not really about how much he loves her-- He loves the fact that she loved him. And he wants that back. 

Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead.

Admittedly, this entirely describes Musical JD. Movie JD is quite the opposite, however. 

Hostility, significant irritability, agitation, aggression or violence.

JD is snappy and violent throughout the entire musical. The scene where he pulls out the gun to shoot the TV? And then points it at Veronica by “accident” when she breaks up with him? 

He’s a very irritable and aggressive person, especially if he doesn’t get what he wants. Not to mention, again, violence. 

Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others.

He doesn’t show any remorse after the murders. At all. He doesn’t show any legitimate remorse throughout the musical. Not even in “I am Damaged.” He’s simply parroting the things that Veronica had said during Seventeen, proving his feeling that he deserves to die over her. 

Though I suppose the entirety of “I Am Damaged” proves BPD, more than anything. 

Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others.

I don’t think that there’s any canon evidence for this, but I can still see it. 

Poor or abusive relationships.

His relationship with his dad! His relationship with Veronica! 

How can anyone look at JDRonica and say that it isn’t toxic as shit? Because it is. Sorry guys, I love the ship? But it’s toxic as fuck, and I really wish that people would portray it as such. 

JD isn’t good for Veronica. Their relationship is toxic and unhealthy. 

Failure to consider the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them.

Seventeen happens, and then what does JD do after the Shine a Light incident? He suggests killed Heather Duke. He learned nothing from what he and Veronica talked about during the song. 

He thinks that Veronica will still love him, even though she made it clear that he needs to stop. Thus she breaks up with him, because he doesn’t know right from wrong. He doesn’t consider that his actions have consequences, and he oversteps the very clear boundary that was set in Seventeen. 

To conclude? JD is mentally ill and unstable as fuck, and needed serious help that he didn’t get. Things could have ended better if he had gotten the help that he needed, but he didn’t. And so everything went to shit. 

Please stop ignoring how unstable he is just for your “Cute” and “pure” ship. Learn to actually look at a character, instead of turning them into something that they’re not. 

[serpent-energy]

My Immediate, Bewildered, Emotionally Charged: Post-Election 2016 REACTION (through quite expressive language)

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Post-Election Feelings; Who is Needy?

Can We Divide The Greedy?

Written by Sean Kadagian

Scattered, yet Organized

Hollow, yet always,

is there a prize.

--

This massive, omnipotent, and the great: Economic Wheel--which I capitalize by the way due to its obvious and vast, and clearly apparent greatness-- in which America has created, ever and perpetually being moved in every direction, visible in waves with its motion being dictated by this invisible hand that feeds on pettiness, classism, and greed--its movement has been rapid and inconsistent and now the country divides. We stand, we move, in divided patterns. Static interrupted vibrations to feel across the lands.

Protests in masses of White because the "minorities" know there's no use and worse has happened to them so the whining Whites march in anger because their apparent, and only other possible, savior, Hillary Clinton-- the rigid, two-faced, emmy-award-winning politician who lost to none other but a reality-TV star with one of the weirdest haircuts and owner of the strangest most ridiculous faces to have ever been politically behold. Which would you want? I'd rather a blind date show up and see what they got.

Is this the best America has to offer? Some people say it is. That they grew up in American families, being taught at a young age American values and what to aspire to. But it isn't. It's not the best we got and to think so is naive and ignorant. We have better. But the money isn't in better. At least it wasn't during this political race and the multiple comical debates that so many people had to watch as the dutiful and informed Americans they are. And we were all left with the most appaulling two options in history.

Bullying and ripping on eachother is what America saw their two presidential candidates doing on stage for hours when we were supposed to get down to what's going on in our country. I, for one, am a recovering heroin junky, addict, whatever--among (of course) many many other things. It's been a little over a year since I've been off the junk, but I lost five years of my life to it including multiple overdoses. During the presidential race, I maybe heard mention of it...I don't know, I can probably count it on one hand. And I'd really have to think about it and if they even mentioned it five, loud and clear times.

And I'm not being selfish. It's an epidemic. Each candidate coined it this actual term unveiling the gravity of the situation. Even the current and momentarily remaining president, Barrack Obama said this probably the clearest and most seemingly heartfelt. He sure he is good at what he does though...Who knows if it really is a concern of his, or the others that can really, actually change the current status-quo pertaining to the epidemic. But, and again, like I already said, I can count on one hand how many times it's been mentioned in combination of all three people.

Addicts are dying to a drug many do not fear anymore because once painkillers (opiates and opioids) began becoming more regulated, and OxyContin went off the market not too long after it got sued for originally and initially stating that their drug, which is essentially so close to the feeling of heroin that many call it "pharmaceutical heroin", is not addictive. They got sued hundreds of millions of dollars. Did they care? Of course not. They must be showering in their hundred dollar bills daily. Profiting off the deaths and terrible addictions to what many people originally addicted to Oxys and other painkillers switched to, and with little fear, like I had--heroin.

My greatest problem, which also inludes a kind of question, is I want to know exactly how Wall Street is proffiting off the opium being manufactured to heroin and many millions of pharmaceutical opioids and opiates, sent across seas from Afghanistan (mainly), as well as Mexico? How much are they proffiting and do they feel any remorse or guilt? Or is money really the most addictive and destructive creation man ever gave birth to? I blame money. But I also blame the psychopaths and sociopaths walking around Wall Street proffiting off screwing so many people over.

I still struggle with temptations, because, as we all know, heroin is heroin. And heroin always fixes things. Temporarily of course, but it also grabs you by the crotch after that first shot.

Do they want a youth dying out to an epidemic the government is literally completely to fault here? Sure, some doctors were crooked and would take certain favors in order to write out extra scripts to people, as Florida became known as not too many years ago, the Pill Mill.

It's known. So sure, it's an epidemic. But what do we do?

Do we revert to things like eastern philosophical approaches like meditation, finding our true selves and some peace within, as well as the practice of mindfulness? It's an idea. It's a start. It's an approach. And it's being done with some success. But when an ex junky is truly uncomfortable, out comes the voice tempting one to reach for the syringe one more time. Just to feel okay.

Or is the reason because our society doesn't offer much hope to our youth as they grow to teenagers and struggle with their identities and existential questions, like Do I fit into this society? And then into their early twenties...

With so much competition...With such an overwhelming number in our nation's populus...it sure gets a little bit crowded and just a tad overwhelming up in here...

When a friend wants you to try something saying it makes you feel better and you already don't feel comfortable in your own skin, what is your first instinct? I was a curious cat. And boy did it help. And then ruin...everything. The amount of tears and worry my family had gone through during my days of active addiction is heart-breaking.

And now...

Now, readjusting and re-entering a society that was already one that angered me before my addiction because of its size, intimidation in the amount of people doing what I wish to do...I feel like I lost out on years of learning. And although I'm not particularly an unintelligent person, I have lost years of chances to learn and harnass life skills which I lack and am only now learning

This entry of feelings through words was, at first thought, going to be about the nation and its clear divide because of the election results. But instead I brought up a problem that I went through and am still dealing with, because my learning takes place almost everyday. And this is happening in every single state of our great goddamn America.

--

Donald Trump said a lot of words. A lot of things he wants to not exist anymore. One of which, is the drugs that come through the border like it's water through a siv. He wants that to be eliminated. So many things, to me, it seems he doesn't understand. Although I do, and seemingly always get the feeling that he just says things for shock value and for votes...also for division and exitement. We must remember, he was a reality television star, as I mentioned somewhere in the beginning. He's a show-man who, out of mass division and disagreement and lack of seeing things through one lense instead of way-too-many, became the elected president to take office in January.

He talked about rebuilding America's infrastructure. That's a thought. His 100 Day Plan sounds completely naive and unreachable. I don't know what will happen...but as I merely mentioned one problem pertaining to the heroin epidemic, though a terribly horrific, and worst of all-- realistic problem--other problems such as the now-clearer-than-ever: systemic racism that is evident where minorities live and where and how whites live.

Yes our country is still segregated, and if you don't think so, just take a walk around some inner cities and then take a drive through a suburbia where upper-middle-class whites live. It's just a visual. Most of the time, visuals don't lie. They just tell. The actual blunt truth in so many ways is hard to accept at one's core and then still walk around with a kind of lightness and have empathy for all of mankind. I certainly don't. Though I am moreso than not, a highly sympathetic and understanding, and (well, I'd like to think so) a person than tries to embody and radiate kindness and benevolence.

Working like ants in a farm and buzzing bees to their flowers and back to their nest for more and more honey. How much money can we stack before we can say we've done it?We've reached the final level and now we can explore this world for what it really is, and not what the American media and national blue-tube shining artificial light and colors and loud dialogues demeaning other people, all trying to one up eachother--tells you.

I wish to lift you up.

I see colors, sure. The color of one's skin I am speaking of now, of course . But I know, as it is a fact, that we are all human beings. Really...period. One species. The only difference between I, a considered white person, and another person with black skin (just for this example), is our backgrounds and where we came from. Which is vast. Sure. But my background and where I came from can vary greatly from just another white person's. To have this in the forefront's of our collective conscience is important. To blame, maybe, just the American government. The whole lot. Maybe, no definitely, the god damn mother fucking media. God, it's really starting to just sound like a dirty, scummy word. "Telling you the truth, but of course, only how we see it!" Should be most of their slogans with a white man's face smiling a fake-white, fake-inviting smile.

Usually I get along with all different colors, ethnicities, races, and hopefully the aliens that I'm  waiting for to come down and show me something exciting and meaningful.

What I'm trying to say is, as long as you wish and remain aware of the energy and vibrations (vibes) you are giving off to others, more often than not, the reaction from the opposite person you are interacting with will be that of, nothing more, than a human. True humanness is openness, benevolence, a hint of curiosity, and hopefully a sure feeling of kindness.

If my openness and kindness in turn breaks through the possible shell that another person had to create as a protection to the brutalities and hard-to-handle emotions that any pill could barely touch....if I can break through that wall--a wall in which we all have in one form or another...it's just adaptation to our surroundings...But yes! If I can break that wall, there is nothing like your good vibes being reciprocated with enthusiasm and comfort by the opposite person.

"Come play over here, man. What's your name by the way?" he said with some excitement and curiosity.

"I'm Sean. You follow the Knicks?" I replied with a kind of joy resulting from the clear fact that I'd just broken through a seemingly hard-shelled-wearing human being.

Another human being's shell they created over time for safety to outside stimuli eventually becomes one of familiarity, therefore, comfortability. We like what we know. To open up and break that kind of shield from the discovered dangers of the world, it's a scary process. Makes me wonder why something like romance isn't being preached and put on a pedastal for being one of the most wonderful things in the world anymore.

My journey is to become naked. Metaphorically of course. I can get literally naked anytime I want... Anyway, point is, my aim--my long, elongated aim--is to shed myself and rid myself of my hardened and old and, in spots, witheringshell. Like a turtle that just needs to get out. Maybe then they could run fast. Maybe then I'd be laughing last.

All I know is that I blame Society. There. I said it. Well, typed it.

I blame Society.

Oh, how you raised me!

The fear and the letdown from childhood to the years of my confusing teens.

Excitement to letdown. My creative creations and of how they lay around in the thousands all around my entire life. Poetry. Short stories. Writings, songs, broken instruments, and instruments needing tuning.

So I hope.

I hope because wishing is childish. Look at what happened to my Santa Clause. Sure I don't blame my parents, but maybe Society could've dropped that fairytale decades ago...start raising some realists instead of people still believing that that Utopia we've all daydreamed and drempt of at one point or another throughout our lives still could happen if only people just tried a little harder. Perfection is a myth, yet we are driven, and we are driven, and we are set to be constantly driven, and I think sooner or later we'll be driving straight into these god damn brick walls like drunken fools. Just right into them. Fucking....

Crash.

--

So crash the Market! Erase those irritating, really, meaningless and useless numbers and abbreviations rolling by constantly at the bottom of the screen. Maybe some sexy french girl speaking in english with her seductive accent in a smokey, breathey voice will tell us: "A new era is coming. We must, and we are now starting, as you see: completely eliminate all that is meaningless, useless, loveless...drenched with countless people trying to get one up on eachother...forever attempting this endless climb up a ladder wrongly labeled success...Paradise is in meditation in the most basic form of the word. You now must become aware of your surroundings, your body, others, and how you act towards and around others. Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

If I truly heard something like this I wouldn't give a shit what hi-tech anarchist group hacked the whole thing and gave and laid out this kick-ass short and sexy interrupted speech. I'd be psyched. Ecstatic probably. Do you think you would you agree with enthusiasm as well? Also, maybe, with a kind of exhaustion and some word like finally banging around the outer-layers of your mind?

Are you waiting for something to be done to change these ways that really are so immature and beneath our growth--and when bringing up how long humans have been on this planet, and more specifically pertaining to us: how long America has been a nation--don't you think we should be a little further a long than we are? Just a tad? Not technologically. Referring to products and all the useless fun stuff that's sold in our country while other human beings across seas are starving to death every few seconds....I'm reffering to all that....we're good on that part. So good it's sickening. The fact is: so much of what is in our country is outdated and must be updated with not profit in mind, but of betterment for the entire country. Until a movement in government begins and makes any progress regardless of how slow it is, it's clear that all the fun -isms will remain engrained into our country's way of life. Classism and racism am I hinting towards especially. Sexism...that's a whole 'nother horse. I'll just leave that over here for now...

And Art is scattered in the airs of the internet and searching for reads, views, likes, acceptance, appreciation, and of course, somebody saying: A job well done Bucko. Do you like my face? Maybe soon they'll have reconstructive facial surgery for people just simply discontent with the appearance of their own face, disregarding any actual injury.

But that's how bad power--and the lack thereof--can make somebody. In this instance I am pertaining this reference to the many people in power truly, actually dictating how the millions inside their nation lives. Okay, maybe not dictating because what they're really doing is merely perpetuating a system that's been in place for almost close to a century now. The only positive I see with Donald Trump becoming president and taking office in January of 2017 (what a laugh even writing that out) is that there's no doubt he will create much needed tension and create an exciting kind of friction within the government, and congress. Tell you what, I'll be watching the news everyday once he's president. I can't imagine a more hysterical and perfect man to run the country. He's the epitome of our country really if you think about it. In two big ways. Self-absorbed, pretends to be somebody he's not. I'm not even sure who or what the guy is really about...besides himself I mean. I'm no doctor or nothin', but if I were, I think it'd be a safe to assume that our soon-to-be president Donald Trump might just be a sociopath. Sure is a funny one though. As long as you don't take this thing too seriously that is.

How much more self-absorbed do you think we can really become as a nation? The media, the just so awesome five-minute long commercials on TVwhile I'm just trying to watch Old School and let my brain melt a little bit (meanwhile I'm being told if only only ONLY I had some odd-word for a pillow that I'd dream of the most beautifully seductively enticing naked women in HD, or something better than HD they were saying...I don't know...they're really all just words to me)--and the many billboards throughout the cities and highways all across the country. Yes, you, whoever is reading these lonely, probably overly-extended words trying too hard to get you to understand that...never mind...the writer is of no importance here....I am only, and innocently, wondering, how often do you feel less than because of how often one in America is told by these things (the media, comwmercials, billboards, filtered news stations) that without many certain products, their attraction to the rest of mankind...to the rest of humanity, is nil to lesss than. Hideous. Prozac nation, right?

If one were to think abstractly for a second, yet with a simple lense on, that all humans need is sleep, food, and sex, then one can let go of all the materialistic American bullshit and maybe go on a hike and close your eyes in the sun and tell yourself as long as I can neutralize all the hectic westernized false-needs by false-claims like a burn on one's skin with the right ointment, you must tell yourself that it's okay. That once that thought--that it's okay--makes its way to the very depths of your mind and becomes, in the future, part of your foundational structure in your consciousness and even subconscious, then you will find contentment. Then you will know what peace is. It's transcendental. It's transformational. It's enlightening. To grab, grab, grab, or just lazily watch what's on TV, the individual is feeding their psyche too much negative stimulation. It creates a path for us of shallowness unless we question what is and wha is being presented by the millions and zillions. I believe Trump as President may actually spark this to happen more across the seas of people in the country. I don't believe the average American accepts everything that funny man with a sick hairdoe says. When one disagrees with something, it's either because they have the actual knowledge and know it to be false, or they just feel it deep at their core that they're getting jerked around--then they either wonder why and search for the truth, or if their an apathetic old bloke, they do what apathetic people do: they don't care.

So I ask only you: How much more can they make us American people feel less than whole and perfect, even in our imperfections? You know most none of the crap being advertised to "better our hollow and meaningless lives" is something your average--or any-- actually needs?

You ever think they'll let us be? My creativity is dwindling and I've been forgetting to read. A real statistic for no one to see. Is that how you might possibly feel? Hold on, I have another thought. I'll be right back. Just wait on the dot.

--

Of that which I disagree and don't approve of, I find a deep-seeded kind of resentment inside of me...sometimes lazily and apathetically it lives, and sometimes quite dramatically, and at times seemingly tragically-- it screams. All aimed towards the terribly angering act and overall facade that our government puts on and wears like a designer robe, exposing some terrible truths sporadically, but then tying the belt around the waist and once again recoiling into itself to hide all the things that normal citizens "just wouldn't understand" (in a demeaning voice just like how it'd sound).

I also blame quite seriously and heavily our American society as a whole--if you couldn't already strongly tell.

Yes. Fact.

And this was just a quick entry into a computer that actually baffles me most of the time in all my honesty to give, which brings in itself a kind of embarassment and slight shame that I, a "first-world", white American male of 24 years old, am quite technologically retarded pertaining to all the new phones and new computers that put out their new updates and (at times, so they hope) aesthetically more pleasing devices. It's all just confusing to the point of pointlessness. Settle down guys. Maybe go work on the holograum idea or something or other boys. All these contraptions being manipulated and sold to thinking they are far more superior to the prior device that came out only six or so goddamned prior to this one! At second thought...I don't believe I should feel any type of less for not staying up to date on the countless updates these corporate devices keep putting out. Instead I just don't buy into every new... New, if that makes any sense. I used to like shiny Pokemon cards when I was a kid. But I'm not a kid anymore. I'm fine with what I got. So move on with your whole "You are less if you do not buy and consume and become our latest piece of trash truly pointless product". Because if you have the last couple, I'd skip the next few.

See, I'm not here to prove much more than a feeling of frustration and confusion through language and hopefully some interesting clarity. Okay, now flash back to me talking about my not so bright days of breathing my old, wretched Junky air. I lost five years to my heroin addiction, and even had to be revived once. Basically, and I'll say it again for reiiteration, I lost out on learning the ways and tricks to this world and this cunningly, and oh so deceiving: Planet Earth while most others not sticking needles in their bodies advanced and adapted as they did. All I'm saying is I'm trying in a country that seems to be breaking stalemate and coming out of the closet a little bit in terms of all the skeletons that are just standing there like zombies, now with the doors open, we see them, but my wonder is Now what?

So,

If America is the captain of this planet, and does influence through numerous, simply countless things such as (the easy and known ones:) music, movies, our media, and especially pertaining to what we allow other nations to know, and more specifically: what we allow other nations as well as our own to think...

Oh yes, so if we are the Influence...the ones to Look At when the shit hits the fan...if we are the preached endlessly to be Saviors of this world... Then we must start looking within our own country. We must start looking at the faces of the youth. Ages eighteen to twenty five or something or other. Interview. Ask questions. The right Questions. I can gaurantee all the debates on police brutality and the past killings and (most-likely) future killings to come, as well as the sexy topic of "Gun Control", will be idiotically debated back and forth by people that either know the massive amount of stupidity behind their claims, or we just allow dumbasses for average Americans--many of whom pick a news channel and stay with it and either agree, disagree, get mad at, or fall apathetically into a depression about--those Americans are listening to humans much less than a real...

Human...

Being.

It's all choice.

And many are content with the ladder floating around somewhere inside their noggins, aiming to take that next step towards (corporate) ascension and please the God that will be pleased with their job.

And then there are the thinkers. The searchers. The creative types. Could be left brains, or might be right brain people. I forget. Who cares anyway?

Thing is, the disconnection from those many Americans who come back from a shitty day of work doing something they hate, turn on the news and the perfectly blushed faces with too white of teeth--and they are arguing at random how the whites of the middle class and lower are being forgotten and how it became that way and why they are dissatisfied with their lives, and the person that flicks this on...it only heavily and seriously validates his feelings. So why wouldn't this person eventually vote for someone like Donald Trump? The liar, actor, masoginist, childish man with an odd bleached yellow hair cap...the man who spoke to struggling whites of that calibar during his stops in American towns and cities for talks. That's only one reason some voted for Trump. Not that I can sit here all day and just name the many reasons people voted for him besides discontentment, which branches out to many theories.

As I mentioned, segregation by race, and by class, which, and without any kind of humor, seems to mainly (and not-so-curiously) be those of color: black, brown, whatever...if you're not pure, we won't give you different bathrooms, but your living conditions are going to be shit and your schools are going to be and going to remain a joke offering that close to non-existent chance to excel and go to college and see what one of your stature can make of yourself....No. Most end up in jail from selling drugs, getting caught with drugs, trying to make it in the Hip-Hop scene here in America, or practice practice practice the game of basketball till one can shoot with their eyes closed. Stephen Curry is now the bar that has been raised and set and idolized and instead of philosophers or lawyers or other people with like-jobs, most blacks, and even hispanics, have idols that are more often than not, sports players, and/or rappers. A philosopher or lawyer or doctor won't lay out a possible path for success in packed living conditions and the only dreams seemingly possible is sports or music because of the many that have made it of their "color". How so insanely petty when I type the word out...color. Well, many of them aim for those goals. Is that odd? It's logical. I get it. And most of the time, as I said, me, the one writing all this rubbish out, is a (technically) man with white skin...I'm White...it's how we currently label eachother. It makes sense, again, yes, sure-- but it separates.

Will we ever just look at eachother as human beings?

Is kindness looked at as a weakness and is hardness a characteristic of the stereotypical Male in America? Do many wish to hold onto that coldness and hectic spiraling thoughts that must fester inside their being and psyche?

I gave it up. I had to. I still judge at times. Hopefully judge is the wrong word for it. I don't know. All I know is that when I go into Manhattan I see so many people trying to be people. Wearing designer clothes and big, you know, those too-big kinds of arrogant looking sunglasses? I see girls looking at me in my peripherals and when I look they quickly look away. I question why a lot. And also wonder if the beautiful girls I see in the city that I wish I could just take and bring into my life and see what might happen, if they really have an interesting personality and possibly even a fascinating past..but most I just walk past and see in incriments of five seconds or less and then they're gone.

We're all trying to be somebody during one's years in the 20s. I'm twenty-four and I probably wear a new mask every couple weeks. Maybe less. Sometimes it's every other day.

Who should I be today?

If I pretend everything will be just dandy will it snow so we can build snowmen together with bundles of joy in our hearts?! Oh, and bring a carrot for the nose!

I just want to grow. Grow inside a society that constantly feels too hard for me.

I have things to say.

And I love making strangers smile.

I think if you can make another person smile or laugh throughout your day then you made a positive contribution to mankind and just made their day a little more worth while.

It's a tough life. Of that is for sure.

But it's the ride and the waves!

Still learning to behave.

Oh, and you think Osama was really hiding in a cave....?

Words to dissect,

I think I'll go give this brain a rest before Trump comes out and builds us all Trump Tents instead of my cozy, cozy bed....

So Good Rest for now,

my friend of only friends...

For it's always the beginning.

And then it's the end.

oh yes, and we work!

as busy ants and busy bees pollinating their flowers for their honey-comb hives on the trees.

for peace

one day,

We will find it

And if not all of us before I close my eyes for my final time here,

Then I will leave blessed.

Blessed to have known that such a life of Duality exists,

for if one does not know the lower, darker vibrating energies that cause fear and discomfort-- then one will never know the pure beauty, joy, and ecstasy of life;

I'm in love with the Yins and the Yangs.

So just hold me close, for my bed is only so big.

Now I'm thinking of something of greatnes and purpose.

Oh yes, in my heart of only one hearts...I know

I will find you.

Oh yes, here I come

And if this does anything for your comfort due to all my prior words trying to make sense of a confusing American time, I'll say it, for it is nothing less than the truth

Yes I promise,

that one day in the future,

nearing the end

we'll all just float away....you and me, together, all of us

Like all the atoms and tiny molecules that we all are

We will cease to be

and just

disappear

in mid-air

Evaporate,

The Final Scare.

[thegracegatsby]

this post is all over the place but here’s a super long update if you care lmao 

So it’s officially been one month since i’ve been on this marketing internship in Prague which is basically working a full time marketing job without the pay (duh, Grace) lol I really thought I was going to be filing papers and going on coffee runs, but nope this is the real deal. I didn’t even get a day to fix my jetlag nor was I eased into the job. The day after I arrived I had 15 minutes to learn about all the projects everyone was working on, got acquainted with the office and the other interns, then started on all my tasks. To give you an idea of what I’ve been up to, my first week here I had to think of several marketing ideas for a local company and had to present them to the owner. The Stress and nerves had me on bed rest that weekend ngl lol. The owner loved the presentation, but I couldn’t help but be so hard on myself. I felt so underprepared I didn’t expect to be thrown into the field at full speed. I literally felt like the Mr. Krabs meme. I was shookington. I thought college and a regular part time job was hectic, but wow I was not prepared for job that required 110% of my time and mind. What I mean by that is I was/am technically working on four different projects and each of them need to be unique aka I can’t repeat ideas. I learned to trust myself and just trust that if I did my best…. it would just had to be enough. I can only learn from my mistakes and find a way to improve myself every day. Those “do one thing to be better than yesterday” quotes were always cute, but they have been extremely relevant this summer. That’s been such an important lesson and habit. Some other things I was up to is sometimes the company gets invited to special private events so so far I’ve attended two events. The first one being some networking event with a panel so different CEO’s discussed the future of tech & marketing and answered questions, then another event where the communications director of Manolo (shoe goals) spoke on the brand. Even got to meet her she was so sweet! Last week I got sent on my first official business trip to Poland to meet with different Korean companies at an expo! I had to basically see and negotiate potential products to market in the US and Latin America. Crazy. I loved every second of it. I’ve been meaning to write for a few weeks now so my thoughts are probably a little all over the place, but now is when I feel like I finally have the time and energy to sit down and catch up on a blog even if no one reads this lmaoo. It’s wild how a month and a half ago I left my job at the bank with a heavy heart and had my summer classes get cancelled/wasn’t able to register for any new one’s since they were all full. I was so close to doing nothing all summer except go job hunting again so this trip was such a blessing. It’s super challenging I’m not gonna lie. I feel like I’ve grown so much from being here. I’ve had to get out of my comfort zone in every single sense of the word. I’ve had to depend on myself mentally and emotionally in different ways than I’ve had to back home. I know this sounds super dramatic lol, but honestly this is the first time I’ve been away from my home, family, friends, city, for more than two weeks. Taking such a huge step without my family around has been difficult. It’s how I imagine it would have been like if I moved away for college. I’m going through “real life with training wheels” because I’m staying with family here so I’m not 100% on my own, but that’s the farthest thing from perfect. Like.. my extended family is going through some hell shit and I feel like I’m in the middle of it so I can’t escape it. I guess that’s where my desperate homesickness comes from. I was SO ready to go home I even asked if I could book a flight after TWO weeks of being here. That’s how desperate I was to go back home. I never talk about my personal life, but I will say that my actual home life, thankfully, is healthy. No relationship/family is perfect don’t get it twisted, but my parents learned from the mistakes of their families/friends and tried very hard to raise my sibling and I in a peaceful home. Don’t take this as the “I’m the best because my parents don’t hate each other can’t relate sweetie (: just be happy and drink tea” way because that’s not what I’m saying at all lol. Sadly, toxic families are everywhere, but reading/hearing about a household that is going through a nasty divorce with unhealthy drama happening every single day is completely different than actually experiencing/witnessing it with my own two naked eye balls. Especially from my own relative. I know this makes me sound immature or naive or whatever, but I mean… I’ve never lived anywhere else so I never knew anything other than my own family dynamic ya know? My empathy for children and teenagers who have to go through what I’ve been seeing on a daily basis has grown so much. Again, this isn’t a show off way of me saying “my life is semi-perfect” (no one’s is) I’m literally saying the change has helped me understand and appreciate the importance of a healthy home so much which… isn’t a bad thing. I’d rather learn this now seeing it from afar than with regret later on in my life. I’m genuinely so heartbroken and empathetic for every single person going through this much toxicity especially my own cousin who will have to grow up with the issues her parents are making alone. The biggest takeaway is I know what the fuck NOT to tolerate in relationships. If I thought my tolerance was low, now it’s even lower I’m not putting up with any bullshit ever wow. Now none of this would matter if I only got to work then go home and mind my business, but nah it’s not like that. An argument happened? Guess who gets some insults and bad attitude. Me. Since why did my extended family think it’s okay to disrespect and insult me for everything??? Don’t even get me started on the side comments about my weight :)) All I do is try to stay hydrated and mind my business! lmaofdnsfds. I guess that’s where the mental and emotional challenge comes from. I’ve never been a super emotional person literally the last time I cried from emotion was the day of the musical in high school because I messed up on stage and was super embarrassed. That was literally 4 years ago in April. I’ve had like two mental breakdowns already not including the countless times I’ve had to calm myself down, do some breathing exercises, and mentally try to disconnect from the fuckery. The hardest times being when I’m in public. I NEVER talk back tho which is weird because I hardly ever bite my tongue I’m quick to defend myself, but deep down I know the aggression stems from all these problems.. plus I try to tell myself it’s not that deep and I’m leaving in less than a month. I know I won’t have to deal with this ever ever again. Also honestly staying quiet gets everyone on my side because people see the way I’m spoken to and are like “wtf ignore it you’re doing great”. Lol I wish I could go into more detail because there is SO much tea I can spill, but for privacy (and maybe legal idk?) reasons I’m going to stay quiet. Another intern who started seeing the verbal abuse asked me about everything so I confided in her about all the drama and she’s like “wooow everything makes sense things were worse when before you got here” kjndvdf we were super tight it was so great :’) but she left and everything changed when the fire nation attacked. Honestly, everyone I work/have worked with have been so great. I only got close with like two or three tho but still everyone is so nice lol. So yeah even though the work experience here is amazing and something I will value for the rest of my life, the home life aspect is fucked up. I’m even trying to convince my parents to sell this plot to Lifetime lmao it’s THAT dramatic. *sigh* Some other news is I was supposed to be in Spain right now. I literally Uber’ed myself and my grandmother all the way to the airport yesterday morning, show up to the check-in counter with a smile and bags in hand just so they could tell me “Sorry, you don’t show up on our system” to my face. I’ve never had an issue with my flight so the room was spinning a lil and was low key panicking because 1. English isn’t anyone’s first language here 2. I was abroad and had no idea what to do because I didn’t even make the reservation so I had to call two different airlines and try to resolve the MESS, but nothing was resolved they fucked up my booking from the beginning so only my return flight was paid for not the departure :) so after easily deciding I was NOT going to pay $580 for a one-way outbound ticket, I had to quickly figure out my next move. (PRO TIP: ALWAYS BOOK DIRECTLY WITH COMPANIES THEY’LL WORK WITH YOU AND REFUND YOU IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG. EVEN IF YOU SEE A CHEAPER PRICE ON ONE OF THOSE TRAVEL SITES SOMEONE TOLD ME THEY’LL PRICE MATCH YOU AND EVEN GIVE YOU DIFFERENT FLIGHT ACCOMMODATIONS LIKE CHANGING LAYOVER FLIGHTS IT’S MAGICAL). Everyone I’m living with went to Spain the day before, so after bending over backwards to try and get the house key from my grandmother who already passed through security (she couldn’t wait for me bc the guy at security had 5 min to wheelchair her to her gate), I found a way to contact her (a blessing bc if not I would have had to stay at a hotel or something) and had her hand me the keys back to our place. I didn’t have the patience to take a bus back to the city so I paid the extra fare to Uber back home. The weird part is I’m not even mad. After calling the airlines, contacting my parents, contacting my family already in Spain that I wouldn’t be going, I was just… chilling. Got some groceries and I’ve been living la vida loca just eating and watching netflix lol. Sure, I wanted to go see a new country and even try to see the town my great grandparents were from, but if there’s anything I learned this year is… everything happens for a reason. I think it would have been an amazing trip, but there’s a reason I didn’t get to travel this weekend. Theres a reason I had to leave my job at the bank. Theres a reason I’m here in Prague in the first place. There’s a reason I’m witnessing this entire Mess. I guess there’s some growth in that too you know what I mean? Younger me would have probably combusted in hatred and be extremely negative and complain that “my life sucks” when in reality it’s fine it’s just in general, shitty things happen…. but life won’t stop for anybody not even me. On the bright side, some good lessons came out of this experience. Forget 2016, this was the real year of realizing things™. I’m going back to Miami with a completely different drive and mindset. For example, I knew school is important and I get good grades, but my attitude towards my education is COMPLETELY different now. Being “good” just isn’t good enough for me anymore. With my grades now I could get into a “good” grad school, but now I don’t even want “good” I want something better. I want great I want the best I want to work my ass off to get into an AMAZING school. I still don’t know everything or even want I want 100%, but this trip has helped me change how I plan to approach/execute my future goals. That “oh I guess I’ll work someday idk that’s a long time from now so I don’t care I’ll worry about it another day” won’t cut it anymore. Now that I’m thinking about it, a lot of things need changing when I get back. Which speaking of getting back, I’m counting down the days I’m so excited I leave at the end of the month ayee!! Lol okay I feel like I’m just rambling at this point. There were a few more things I wanted to say buut………… I forgot it so I’ll just end it here and make a new post if I remember lol. Even if no one reads this, future me will and she’ll remember how the Ctrl album from SZA was playing in the background while writing this and probably cringe at how bittersweet this whole experience/year has been.

TLDR I learned a lot on this internship (good and bad) and I’m basically going back home a new person :-)

[manicmustard-blog-blog]

Can there be a positive side to mental-health problems?

Well, it's been about a month...so article-time.  WHAM, BLAMMO, straight out the pot etc.  Nah.  In truth I wasn't sure what to write about as I didn't want to potentially drone on about the fitness or weight-loss routine and I'd prefer to stick to more positive things these days.  Unless of course they involve various customers at my workplace getting abused by a hairy Mexican cucumber called Steve.  In which case, go ahead.  Just take pictures.

So.. Having touched on the issue before of the various mental health issues I've had and still cope with on a day to day basis, I thought I'd actually go against the grain and write about some of the oddly positive effects that I've experienced having lived with clinical depression on and off for most of my adult life as well as psychosis.  Now.  This might seem a bit odd, obviously most articles touching on mental health deal with the negative effects as well as how to cope with day to day issues and all that shit.  But hey, we've read all about those and to be frank most of us have lived with our own mental health issues or most certainly known somebody with them.  So something different then.

Where to start?  Let's start by saying that what I'm about to write is obviously based on my own experiences and deals with my own philosophy on the subject coupled with my own coping strategies.  So it's my perspective.  That doesn't mean I'm not unaware of those that have much more crippling mental health problems than I've ever experienced or those that are dealing with them right now and feel like every day is hell.  This isn't meant to insult anybody or seem unempathic.  It's just my own way of seeing things.  Which you're here for I hope.  If not.  Get out.

So funnily enough, speaking about perspective.  That's one of the things that's changed for me quite considerably over the years.  I've found that as a result of spending various sections of my life utterly depressed and in some cases, incapable, I've learned to enjoy some of the simple things in life and not to take things too seriously.  You could say that I've brainwashed myself to be happy just because I'm not getting repeatedly curb-stomped by life right at this present moment in time, and you'd be partially correct.  But the interesting side-effect is that when shit happens, both mild (some idiot just pushed me out the way) or the more severe (getting cancer) you find yourself able to cope with it more.  Now, obviously some of this can always be attributed to life experience and growing up.  But part of those experiences for me have been getting utterly shat on at various points in my life by both body and mind and funnily enough, they've helped me to adapt and grow.  Also, while I still wish for better things in life, I realised that breaking your soul over the life you think you should be living is a pointless waste of the life you actually are living.  By all means, change what you can and improve, but don't fret over things that are never going to happen or simply out of reach.  It's a waste of mental energy and serves no purpose whatsoever other than to bring you down and make you even less capable of doing what you need to do to survive.

Second thing I've noticed that's improved is empathy and my general understanding of other people.  It's a weird one.  Because when your mind's hit the floor and you've spent some serious time considering whether or not life's actually worth living and if you'll ever be able to hold down a job again or even manage to walk out your front door, you find yourself suddenly not hating other people so much for their weaknesses and failings.  Sure.  The ignorant as shit chav scumbag you have to serve at work who doesn't know even basic manners would be a much more productive member of society if somebody turned him into glue or fed him to a horde of ravenous gerbils...but part of me can't help but think "Fuck.  What type of life has that guy had to become such an utter shitstain?"  Okay.  Maybe I'm confusing empathy with something else but you get where I'm coming from.

"No.  No we don't." - Everyone

Fine.  In short.  People are all flawed.  None of us are perfect and now I've come to terms with what an imperfect and occasionally cuntish person I can be, I've finally realised that the key to happiness is to simply not expect other people to live up to our expectations of what they should be, but to accept them for the lying, hypocritical and beautifully flawed human meatbags that they really are.

Basically every Disney movie ever.

"Too much Dij, too much." - Brain

So yeah.  Empathy covered.  What else?

Oh yeah.  Now this one's a bit personal to me and involves my psychosis I had several years back that had me experiencing complete delusions, visual hallucinations, a general inability to do anything and an overwhelming constant state of near suicidal misery that lasted for the best part of several months.  Oh and of course, the biggest part - the auditory hallucinations.  Aka, voices in my head besides my own.

To explain how ANY of this could have a positive effect, I should explain that in general, the lack of really living at the time as well as the utter lack of joy and lack of interest in ANYTHING coupled with a confusion about my own existence does tie in with the first point.  Perspective.  So yeah, living in such shit times obviously helps you appreciate what it's like to have your mind working normally.  Or relatively normal enough that you can function.

But the main issue is the voices.  Now, before explaining, I should explain what they are and what they were like in the beginning.  Well, they were the first noticable part of the psychosis that I really remember.  I don't actually remember the initial delusions, or the confusion, but I always remember the voices.  I remember how at the moment of breakdown, I suddenly heard friends, family members, all suddenly talking to me as loud as if they were in the room.  All conversing with each other and with me.  Some of them explaining the situation I was in, some trying to convince me that I was dead, others telling me they hated me and wished for my suffering.  Suffice to say.  It was a bit of a headfuck.

Would.  Not.  Recommend.

Now, without rambling on, these voices stayed strong for, well, years.  Even when I started my current job and despite the anti-psychotics, I struggled with voices, delusional thoughts and fantasy day-dreaming merging with reality.  But I managed.  And through coping strategies, I got better at managing them. Finally, I got off the meds and if anything, my thinking has never been clearer. But here's the thing I generally don't mention too often for fear of making people uncomfortable.  But sod it, I'll just say it because it's kinda necessary to make my point... The voices and delusions never totally went away.

Now, the delusions.  They still waft into my thoughts.  But I cope.  I ignore them. I'm firmly enough invested in "this reality" enough so that I discourage or ignore the idea that the universe might be different somewhere and somehow.  They're not overly beneficial, perhaps they make me more imaginative even when it's not necessarily appropriate but hey ho.

The voices however.  Now this is where from my perspective, things have taken an odd turn.  Of course, the negative personalities that seem to gain utter joy from my occasional bad fortune and actively wish me harm and indeed sometimes will it with all their strength are still there, but I've learned to ignore them so much over the years that now it's second nature. As for the positive side?  Well, I remember before the psychosis, I used to think my way through problems or life in general by doing just that.  Thinking about it.  Weighing up pros and cons, looking at the various outcomes and deciding what seems best at the time.  Same shit no doubt that everybody does.  Now though, I do all that but the different voices (or personalities would perhaps be more apt) chime in and give me their perspectives on the matter and actually discuss whatever's on my mind.  With occasional input from me of course.  Of course, occasionally they talk utter shite for their own amusement but to be fair, who doesn't?

Before I finish I should point out that of course I'm aware they're just different aspects of my subconcious.  Not demons.  Or spirits.  But, to be honest, who cares?  They come in useful and seem to help for the most part.  Weirdly enough from my own musings, they occasionally point out things and even ideas or viewpoints that I hadn't or wouldn't have normally been consciously aware of - difficult to explain, because of course, as soon as an idea pops into your head, you're aware of it, but this is different to that.  It's hard to describe, same mechanism probably, but a different way of delivery.  Suffice to say, it's quite different to thinking to yourself and having something occur to you.  But it's a positive, so what's not to like?

Either way.  Perhaps the greatest ability I've learned from all of my experiences so far is to follow the constant advice of many grandparents everywhere and simply try to always look on the bright side of life.  It doesn't mean you can't be cynical, or angry, or even hateful...but it's how quickly you turn it around or turn a shit situation into a manageable situation in your own head.  Because at the end of the day.  That's where it counts.  Not how somebody else feels about something, or how they manage something, but about how you manage to live with something.  You won't always succeed at fixing your head when something goes wrong, but try your damndest anyway and refuse to let the universe win.  That way you can't kick yourself too hard in the balls if and when you mess up.

So anyway.  Hope you've enjoyed reading my somewhat self-indulgent post.  To be totally honest, writing about it for others to read (judge/hate/lambast/poo self laughing at) has been kind of relaxing.  Who knows?  Maybe I am a people person.  I'll have to dig one out the freezer and find out.