ih8me2ash

[ih8me2ash]

My Journal Entries (post #28)

it's getting bad again, the way I look at myself. The way, I've been checking my body, my stomach looks like a puffer fish.

Food, I've been trying to avoid it for five days, sometimes I give in but then I make myself puke. I literally threw away so much food that was given to me yesterday, My boyfriend was trying to get groceries with me and I just wasn't having it... I only got two things that I might not even eat and tell them I did. Or it will just go bad and I would just say I forgot. I'm back to stress brushing my teeth again but at least I'm getting those calories besides in like a can of soda or none at all. When I look in the mirror I'm fully disgusted with myself. My face is breaking out because of the stress I'm under, I haven't been showering because I'm scared that my hair is going to fizz out. Growing out my nails so I can just clean them, picking scabs because I don't want them on my body. I've been hiding behind a blank face and four extra large hoodies.

I've been thinking slowly to start to just throw away my snacks in my cabinets, food feels like a chore, and the look and the smell make me feel sick. And since I cook mostly for my job, I'm always having pain in my stomach, and no it's not hunger, I lost that three days ago. It's the pain of wanting to just puke my guts out everywhere. This all happened because I stood on the scale five days ago. 187 pounds. I haven’t been that big since 2014 when I use to use food as a coping tool, plus cutting myself. I was 200 pounds at 14. And with my height, this weight that I am right now is really driving me crazy. Every website I've checked told me I'm obese, I've always had issues with my weight since I was a kid because I come from a big family weight-wise. But I was the smallest one out of them because of my fast metabolism, but those comments my family would always make still haunted me because the whole like "where do you put it, your such a little piggy." or "Careful, one day will have to pick you up with a forklift if you keep eating like that."  My family literally gave me the "cute" little nickname, human garbage disposal because I use to eat everyone's leftovers. At this time I wasn't even eight yet. I even hardly ate when I was in the hospital for those three years. Sometimes not by choice, 87 pounds at thirteen I had a feeding tube shoved down my throat when I was ten. I was so weak my legs would always give out on me, so I was in a wheelchair the first year I was there. Speaking of that, my body is even worst today, cold, shaky, and weak in the legs and arms. And god my stomach after making lunch. I’ve been telling everyone that I just can’t go to the bathroom, which is true but now I’m taking so many over-the-counter laxatives. My body is giving out. I’m so disgusted with myself. I’ve always had an off-and-on eating disorder. It was terrible my junior year in high school too, but it couldn't be helped because my sister basically made our childhood home a crack house. No food most of the time, and she forgot I was a picky eater. So when I left I weight around 134ish pounds at seventeen. It only got worst, hiding food under my bed, in napkins, flushing it down the toilet, and making myself puke in the shower so no one could hear me, or just turning on the sink, I was downing so many diet pills and the longest time I when without eating was almost a whole month. I was extremely skinny at nineteen. Is it wrong that I crave these feelings? I want to put my body through this, I feel like if I can't hurt myself on the outside, losing a couple of pounds on the inside wouldn't be so bad. My biggest habit back then was the gum and water trick. I had almost twenty packages of gum on deck. When I got lunch at work I would just sit in my car and throw the sandwiches and bags of chips in the back seat, and cried the whole 30 minutes and I would hoard them and never eat them until they started to smell then I would throw them away. I passed out a lot, I was so afraid to step out of the house because I was so far into the illness that even bigger clothes made me feel huge. I was heavily drinking, I had always attracted older people as "friends" even though they were children, but anyways they would always come through if I gave them money for booze and smokes. And for a whole year that was mostly my diet. I wasted money on food just to stare at it or smell it, and then end up throwing it away and crying. I was caught in this lie that I was healthy like I went to the gym three times a week just to run. I miss running, but my passing out was such a high risk that I just started walking a couple of blocks to the grocery store and back, I didn't even need anything it just was the farthest place j2 allowed me to go to.  I miss the sick feeling, I want to drink a cold glass of water with an empty stomach so my whole torso can feel cold, it was like a high. I just want to be skinny again, I know we're in this woke time, but I’m not fully there, I’ve never judged anyone for their weight but I’m super judgmental about my own. If they only knew, everyone has always told me how they were jealous of how skinny I was, if they only knew how I got that way. I was sick, I was mental and it’s crawling its way back inside and I think this time I’m too scared to push it out. I deserve this, for falling basically in love with food again, how dare I get comfortable with food? I never even enjoy the whole concept of eating in general, you work out your jaw, just to feel fully weighted down, and have constant diarrhea. Since my fast metabolism makes it feels like I need to relieve myself after just eating for 10 minutes. I just want to feel  good again, and sad to say that I can only feel good about myself when I’m making my body go through this cycle.  ａｓｈｔｏ n  ♡

[ih8me2ash]

My Journal Entries (post #27)

I’m just going to put this here, finding friends who actually care is so super hard for some reason. 

To the point that I think it’s just me, maybe I’m not a people person. I mean, I’ve always been a person to avoid others and keeps my walls up pretty high. But this is just stupid, I don’t talk to anyone besides the people in this house, I’m so alone all day, especially when my boyfriend goes to work. Since I work from home I don’t get out much. Most people think I’m very timid or I just look annoyed because of not knowing how to control my resting bitch face. Thanks, mom for that gene.

Also, close friends are getting on my nerves, I feel like none of them listen to me like I just had a conversation with an old buddy of mine that has heard this story more times than I could count about my kidney issues. Told me he had no idea, and just gave stupid comments about it, saying I should just do the surgery since I’m a borderline alcoholic. Funny enough I’ve told him I don’t have insurance multiple times too. Talk about not listening. Met two new people, but damn these bitches be dumb, because I’m back to being told all these issues on their side, and then when I open my mouth about being the littlest sad they just drop me, and then go do some other shit on social media like are ya'll for real? I literally told one of them about the other about that problem then they told me: “They were too drunk to do this conversation.” When they asked me in the first place how I was doing. So I’ve been ignoring both of them.

Lost full connection with everyone from Oklahoma, which is good. But still, before I moved here I lived with a friend beforehand because my adopted family life was getting to the point where I was thinking about killing myself, I was already starving myself and still cutting but I kept that to myself, for the most part, OH and my door were taken because of that, I was 19 and my door was taken from me. But back to her, so the thing about me losing contact with her was that it shouldn’t have happened. 

She slowly started to show red flags for the last couple of months before I had enough, and I was back to thinking about killing myself. Funny how my brain does that after a while of being somewhere. But, she still has a lot of my stuff, figures that cost over 4k, and a lot of clothes. ((which I saw her wearing in a Facebook profile picture and I got extremely pissed off about.)) But the whole thing is she mostly stopped talking to me because my adopted mother was trying to get a hold of her because I blocked my whole adopted family just a few weeks after moving in with my friend because I had enough issues because my car was repossessed and I didn’t tell anyone because I wanted to handle it on my own. Didn’t work out that way, my adopted mom opened one of my letters and found out, flipped her shit and started questioning me, and then started trying to make me vote, and telling me that she fully believed in super straight. And then when I moved here, my friend was getting “harassed” and I told my friend to tell her I moved out and I wanted nothing to do with that family ever again. But then my friend was trying to force me to make things better with my adopted family and try to work things out?? Like, YOU SEE HOW CRAZY THOSE PEOPLE ARE?! I was so mad, but I kept it myself and I kept telling her I wasn’t going even to try. 

Then I asked for her to mail me my W2, She said she would, few weeks passed and I asked her if she did it, and no reply. A couple more weeks later, I asked again trying really not to be bossy with her, no reply, and then she blocked me on Snapchat and Facebook Like?? You can’t just not give someone their tax forms? I think she wants me to rot in jail. 

I don’t know, she got a boyfriend, after claiming she was completely into girls and I even bought her a lesbian pride flag, but she started to act more sneaky, was leaving a lot at night, would have her boyfriend over when we had no food, and he would eat it all. She hadn’t messaged me for two days when she went to hang out with him, when I asked for a ride to work ((ended up walking)) and then tried to have a serious conversation with him right there, and I cried in front of him when I hardly even spoken to this man, Would go to work herself with him still in the house like? Other people live here too. It made my boyfriend and me super uncomfortable. Anyways, that friendship was mostly ruined because of that man. She was never home. Her boyfriend was always claiming he was broke but then not even a few minutes later they would go out to eat, go to the movies or the mall. The lying was non-stop, She was treating me like I was her parents, and she also claimed she disliked her family a lot but spend every other day there too. She was just all over the place. I felt like I already lost her. Which really hurt because I and my boyfriend would never make her feel left out at all, but she was basically avoiding us. She even had the gall to say my boyfriend was toxic. My boyfriend has bipolar, but he smokes weed, or THC to help that, and sometimes couples get into arguments, which I and my boyfriend hardly do, and the day she was referring to was when I was upset because my therapy wasn’t going to continue and I was out of smokes so I got upset with my boyfriend so we got into it. But that was mostly it, but now he was toxic.

I don’t know, I felt misplaced with her and replaced. We made plans if we were single by 30 we were going to marry each other at one point, I helped her a lot after too big breakups. I spent a lot of time trying to get her out of the house. Helped her love herself again, we laughed, we cried, and we had good times, she was my rock and I was hers. I was even making plans with her more than my own ex-partner and I. That’s one of the reasons why I broke it off with my ex. I for real lost a partner because of her. And this is what I get? To be forgotten like a childhood toy, did I fulfill my purpose? She made me feel like a nobody like I was just another bystander. That we weren't even friends anymore, and she hardly even acted like she cared when she dropped us off at the airport, which I and my boyfriend were surprised she did because she came home around 3 in the morning when we had to be there at 8ish in the morning.

I  don’t know what to do about friendships. I think that at the end of the day, I’m the problem? Maybe I am, I’m too much maybe.. I’m not saying I’m a saint but I have a lot of baggage. Maybe I’m just meant to keep this shit to myself, I only really talk to Dom about these thoughts, if any. Actually, I don’t want him to worry all that much. But that's why I was trying to find those friends. People to help me through that bad times, like they said they would help. They never did. So now I’m here confused and hurt because I just wanted a shoulder to cry on because I feel like if it’s always going to be my boyfriend he's going to leave me. Why do I think like that? I think everyone here secretly hates me, I feel like my boyfriend can do so much better. Then the thoughts, Jesus the thoughts are so loud and always in my head no matter what I do to make them go away.  As I was writing my boyfriend came in, and said: oh you writing again hell yeah! I leave you to it then. And remember his toxic 

- ａｓｈｔｏ n  ♡

[ih8me2ash]

My Journal Entries (post #26)

To be honest, I’m kind of glad I got away from most of my past, but this is still haunting me.

You know what so sad? That someone I met miles away understands me more than anyone in this god-awful state, I was about to swear off dating because the person I thought I was going to spend my whole life with just started to show red flags. I was on my last line, meaning I was planning on ending my life and if I tried I was going to pin myself away from the world. But it was all about them, so I just didn't tell them anything, or I chose to not talk in general. I was always a wreck, I was tired of stopping helping myself for others. I didn't mean it personally, we just kept fighting, it was 50/50 on each side, I am a part of that problem for not being fully honest because I was tired of feeling like I was complaining about the same thing over and over again to them. Just things kept getting worse for me, not saying they didn't have problems either but I'm only 21 and I can only get through so much until I break. Especially because of my suicidal past, I was ready to just let everything burn down. I didn't want to pick anything up, I was giving up. Then we broke it off, but it's not like I didn't still want to be friends with them, I guess they didn't feel the same. They agreed to be friends and then blocked me on Twitter and on Tumblr. So I did the same. Maybe it was hurtful to see me as they said if this ever happened, I was hurt too but I guess that doesn't matter. My feelings seem to not exist to people here. I'm fine with that, well I'm more used to it. To be honest, I didn't cry for you, I kind of knew it was going to happen. People use me, people act as they care, people leave and make me wonder what I did wrong. But, I didn't think about it. I was too numb and use to it.

I did feel lonely, like really lonely. I didn't want to put myself back out there. Making friends, Making Family, Finding people who care, like really care about my feelings and my problems. I was so scared of how people would act if they knew the real me. I didn't want to lie though, so my shy and timid voice spoke out and I tried finding people who care for months. I'm glad he found me and he tells me he's glad we met. Honestly, he has changed my thoughts about people, he's honest, he's humble, he's respectful, he's patient, he understands, he listens, he worries. After just talking with him for almost a week, I fell for him. I never put my trust in someone like when I'm with him. I never liked falling asleep on calls with anyone, I hate calling in general but I had to talk to him, he even understood completely and never forced me to feel bad for not calling him. I think I'm kind of obsessed with him. I just want to make him happy, because he helps me so much every day. He's the first person I see when I go to work, which makes me feel so safe when he is next to me. I'm actually surprised that he said yes to being my partner, that he was even interested in me. I mean, I'm a total bat case. He could have had been with someone else less, well, me? I’m very grateful that he is even here with me. I’m so madly in love with him, I mean he’s done things for me no one else has. I really hope I don’t mess this up, I really want to have a whole future with him... I want him to be with me, I don’t want to scare him away.

But even when I have a decent life, I have this strange feeling that my life is falling apart and I should be worried that I’m going to lose it again. I feel like my problems or how I am in general are going to get in the way of me and living my happiness. And I’m going to push people away, just like her. I don’t want to be her.

[ih8me2ash]

[ih8me2ash]

[ih8me2ash]

[ih8me2ash]

[ih8me2ash]

[ih8me2ash]

My Journal Entries (post #25)

The winter suits me better.

I just asked for a break, a break from this suffocating brick on my chest. To run away from this fear of isolation, putting a group of piranhas in a tank with nothing to eat for almost a year and watch them start to eat each other. If you want my honest opinion that's how I feel about the quarantine. I can't do anything, at all. And people wonder why 2020 is like the next great depression. The only reason why I'm scared of being by myself is that the words I'm writing now are what happens when I'm starting to talk to myself too much. I'm a rude son of a bitch, but I had to take a break from social media because I was being attacked left and right. The internet is like a pack of bloodthirsty wolves. Tell people they're wrong once and you'll be devoured. Even if you're right, and they're completely in the wrong.

Sometimes I think about taking a long smoke break, walk to the train tracks, and wait. I would feel cold in my hands, but the fire from my cigarette will keep me warm until then. I feel like no one would even look for my remains. My jeans wouldn't be the only thing torn and ripped. I could hurt myself and no one would even notice, trust me I know. I've forgotten to cover my arms before and no one even questioned me, people would take a glance, and then they would look away and I would overthink about my body and hide, then remember no matter how much my skin burns it's just a normal day for the world outside of mine.

I'm always thinking about how much I feel like a ghost, transparent, see-through. I'm the one who fades into a crowd of people so easily. And I have a hard understanding if that's a good thing or not. Because I hate being left alone, but when I run away from everything I don't want to be found. But even acknowledging me, just makes me feel like it sometimes forced to even put me in the picture. Why did you save me if you make me feel so out of place? Instead of making me feel like a ghost emotionally now, you should of let me be a real ghost back then and just left me to hang out to dry. Because now I feel like I could be buried six feet under with no concern. I'm not kidding where I am once again as I mentioned no one in the right mind should waste their time day worrying about me or care about me when I'm just a dead man walking, or that's at least how people make me feel.

If I stop breathing, no one is obligated to notice if I do. And that's on neglect, and being so used to it. No thanks to anyone in my family. Do you know how I can look through old posts on my Tumblr or on Elite Skills from four years ago talking about how much they "took cared of me, and how much I loved them and they loved me?" And I knew it was bullshit? That wasn't me, because I had someone moderating me, breathing over my shoulder to be forced to say that sappy shit. They didn't care about me, they only cared about the image I gave them. Once again, if you post anything public on the internet for anyone to see, get ready to have those canine fangs breaking your skin. You have an opinion anywhere else in your head, you really should keep it to yourselves, I mean that basically defeats me writing here, but people think I don't come on here and no one besides my therapist even looks at my journal entries on my Tumblr. Because I don't give that shit out to anyone because people who I don't and I mean I really don't even want them to breathe the same air as me, to find me. And I wish I could stop thinking about them, and how they use to make me feel, in those times no matter how much I took the bruises, the punches, the scratches, the cigarette burns, the kicks, the pulling, the bloody noses, I blamed myself. Even though I was going through shit, I didn't want them to take the blame because they made me feel like everything was up to me and that everything was my fault fully.  My baby hotel made an obedient loyal crybaby out of me.

Even now as a young adult, when people are using me for anything, I just roll over and take it. People say it's because I'm too nice or maybe I don't like conflict. When in reality it's because I was taught if I have any type of empathy or an opinion I was badly abused, emotionally, verbally, and physically. So when someone is upsetting me in a way or makes me feel uncomfortable, I kind of go into this numb state and block out everything, my whole body feels like when your leg falls asleep from laying on it to long, and I'm back on autopilot again and then after the whole ordeal, I beat myself over it for not stating my feelings. That's been an endless cycle since I was six. It started when I was five because sadly I believe even my baby hotel mother knew how easy it is to manipulate a child made by her womb tomb.  But if you hear anything about me when it comes from my family, I'm a betrayer, I'm an ungrateful bitch, I'm the liar, the disrespectful brat, or that I shouldn't have complained too much because even though I was going through a lot I should have just gotten over it. My aunt, my mother's sister, and my grandmother's oldest daughter flat ass told me when my grandmother died at the funeral that my crying was annoying and that I should have just gone outside if I was going to cry like a child. I was sixteen, and I cry softly. But most importantly I cried more over her mother than she did. Heartless, those people are psychotic heartless harpies. I'm not going to sugarcoat this, you can only put a person through that kind of shit for too long before that person learns to bark back because that sick twisted family betrayed me, they're the ungrateful bitches, a pack of liars, disrespectful and spoiled brats, do you know how demented and ignorant you all were and still are? And just because someone is different don't black sheep them because you're fucking boring, none of you could understand what I went through because you were worrying about how much you have that precious pathetic image that you held over your heads. I hope you know your "crowns" are falling apart.

And people wonder why I have so many trust issues, why I refuse to open up. Do you see how that's gotten me so far? No offense, but fuck you for using me to make you happy until you felt like you didn't need me anymore and left me wondering where I went wrong. Do you know what's the saddest thing is? The nicest, kindest, quiet, understanding people will never believe a single compliment they're given but they believe every insult. And wonder why when the people I was around treated me like I was nothing. My anxiety has made me physically nauseated because lately feeling anything has just left me heartbroken or like I can't do anything right anymore. To be honest, people would do better without me dragging them down with me. Maybe, just maybe, others are right about me being toxic and negative because I'm stuck in the past. No matter how far I try to walk the distance out of this tar, I'm just getting sucked in more, because now I'm looking closer at the warning sign and it says quicksand. More like guilt sand, I'm just one person so how am I supposed to live in this cage? I had to put all these posters up so I wasn't staring at white walls for too long, I'm told that I'm not crazy, but I do feel unstable. And I know I should just say this is my fault for letting this go for too long for just lying to myself that I'm going to be fine sooner or later, I'm not. Who am I kidding? You're looking at the worst luckiest person in the fucking world at this point. My karma is unbalanced when I didn't do anything to deserve this. But nope, my sister can walk Scott free, the same with my idiot of a mother. And I'm here, suffering like always, do they even feel bad for the way they treated me? Do they? Probably not, just my wishful thinking. People only care about themselves, they don't care about the people they might hurt on their way to victory. You're hurt? You're lonely? You're depressed? You're a victim? You were backstabbed? Do you ever think about how you made me feel? Because what you Kaylee my sister and you Jennifer my mother did to me was billions of times worse. Selfishness isn't helpful for anyone, not even for yourself. Because after you're done being bitter you'll look around and no one will be there for you. You are not anything you claim, Any of you. Not just my family, everyone who even gets close to me. You only think about yourselves, never about who you think you're hurting.  That’s why I feel like a ghost, because people treat me like I’m just nothing and nothing more.  - ａｓｈｔｏ n  ♡

[ih8me2ash]

My Journal Entries (post #24)

Never gonna fucking understand people. First off, let's just get one thing straight, remember when I said people shouldn't even waste their time caring about me? I'm still standing by that statement, very highly actually. Because these "friendships" people want to have with me are just disappointing me even more than myself does. I'm not going to say names, but there have been at least over four "friendships" that have two-faced me or backstabbed me just in the last few months of this shitty ass year. Reminder; if someone has full trust in you because you dragged them through that false hope of you being there for them, they "will" vent to you, or if their depressed, sad, upset, mad, or anything but "okay" and then you called them negative and toxic for them even trusting to talk to you for help, sadly you really need to look at yourself for a long ass fucking time. I've been told that, since June, fucking just being myself and being so-called reliable on these people, who I've been "friends" with for years. Now, I'm blocked and they don't talk to me because I show these emotions that people use to tell me it was okay to have. You know what, instead of getting my hopes up that I was doing a good job or getting my life together, you really should have dropped me on my fucking head before "wasting" years making it seem like you ever cared about anything or anyone else besides your selfish selves. Then, I'm told shit that I'm here by fucking choice? That I make myself depressed? That I'm an adult so I should just get myself together? I'm sorry, that I have trauma that I've been working on for four years and I still hold scars close to my heart because you can never understand how much shit happened to me. Just because you can get back up from something so easily and get a grip on life, doesn't mean everyone is the same as you. We can't just work out at a stupid ass gym and get the fuck over it. I don't care who you are, but saying everyone's mental health is the same, and getting over it is the same is completely ignorant. People have different triggers when it comes to trauma, for example, I'm afraid to sleep because of flashbacks in my dreams, so I don't sleep, which has given me insomnia up the ass. It could be the complete opposite for someone else, where they escape their flashbacks by sleeping. Now, I'm totally fine, if you yourself are not in the mindstate to handle other people's problems, just say that and not make it seem like it so easy to get over 17 years of abuse of multiple types, because sadly I'm a person who had a shitty ass fucking life. And the only thing you can say is: "I relate to you losing a lot of people who meant a lot to you because my mom took my phone for a week and I felt like I lost my whole family." If you ever think those two things are on the same fucking level you need to realize how insensitive that shit is and how they're not even fucking close to the same thing. Because I did, you didn't. I lost everything, I almost even lost my fucking life. I lost self-respect for myself, I hated who I was when I was lonely when I was around so many people who pitied me, I didn't need pity. I needed people who cared, but now people care since they think the water is clear. But they spilled their own dirt when they left, you can say it was in the past, but you can never understand anything about me when you hardly know anything about me. Because I needed people, not to trust me but not talk about STILL fresh wounds. Maybe just act like I wasn't dealing with the shit I had to at a young age. You should have cut me at that point. And saying I needed to grow up? Whenever did I ever feel like a child? I never had the chance to be a fucking kid, now I'm so beaten to the factor that I can't have fun, I just don't. You guys left a sixteen-year-old to fight for himself. And trust me, I still deal with things popping up. But I can't say shit. You can never take back the fact that you made me feel like a lost cause. I get you got your own shit, I didn't even ask you to drop anything to pay attention to me, to take care of me, I never even ask for your help at all. You felt like you needed to be my white knight in shining armor, you didn't need to be by my side. If you were going to make me feel like I can't do anything right for just even being myself, why drag me through something with false trust? Why promise me company just to leave? And you wonder why when people are going through shit, we just say we're fucking fine and keep to ourselves. Why we're bottled up so tight, that the lid is now just melted to the top of this shitty ass bottle. Because you have these such high standards on how people should work because of what you were taught, well what we learn is never fully true. I just can't handle people's shit anymore... - ａｓｈｔｏ n  ♡

[ih8me2ash]

My Journal Entries (post #23)

((This is a project/ writing thingy or whatnot that my therapist wanted me to write this out about the panic attack I had on Saturday, Sep. 5 2020))

So Avoidance, I’m like always being neutral as not to hurt people’s feelings but I get hurt myself trying to be a doormat for said people as I am a people pleaser and well, I know I have moved on from this to keep a stable friendship with you and not lose you since you helped me in a lot of hard times even though you live far away from me but this needs to be addressed I guess? Well, Back in 2018 the year I was about to get out of high school after you pushing me not to drop out multiple times because of your encouragement to stay in the running. I told you that I “loved” you. Like not platonically, like I wanted to be with you even through the long-distance romantically, I might have not explained it well but the memory has been blocked because it hurt me kinda badly. My feelings felt like they were nervously pushed under the rug and I don’t blame you for not sharing the same feelings as me. But if you want me to be honest you were my first crush, I told you about my partners in the past to actually kind of get you jealous because like that’s how younger me thought winning you over would work I guess? But like you made sure I was okay with my break-ups and what not... I have my perfect match right now, him and I have been friends as long as me and you have, and this isn’t to get you jealous this time in my head. I’m just trying to state that I “used” to have a crush on you, and yes you were my first crush. But this isn’t me telling you that again because I just want to be friends with you. So like I avoid you because I feel kinda hurt that we never talked it through because you were nervous or I was, but it was laughed about and I felt like shit, and like I made my own friend of so many years uncomfortable.

Once again, No one is technically at fault, maybe mine since I’m never good at explaining my emotion very well? I've never been good at explaining things, am I being over-dramatic like always? Or is this one of those civil wars in my head again? Conflict of confusion to even be concerned if I’m going to even make it out alive, I want to let these feelings go of not being good enough for anyone. And Rudi, I felt like I failed you. I abandoned you because I was scared of ever addressing the BIG elephant in the room because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable or even worst not explaining why I just hide from people in the first place. Maybe I wanted you to stay but with my paranoia, I was forced to push you away. I'm just wishing none of these things ever happened in the first place, but I'm told if I didn't have these problems I wouldn't be who I am today? So maybe that's just us growing up, and moving on with life to be better people. I don't understand why you are so forgiving? I feel like I've betrayed you, just about the ways I tend not to be very good at explaining things to an outsider to my world. Even though you said you relate, I don’t want you to, because of this feeling really fucking sucks. I'm extremely not comprehending any of the factors, that maybe just maybe that I'm running out of life hacks of figuring out who I am and how to act towards others. Because I don't know anymore, of who I am or how to treat people, not like a threat. I'm not surviving, I'm sneaking my way by, I've never wanted to be noticed. I bet you wouldn't be surprised that I didn't want friends in the first place? What can I say? Mama did raise an introvert, a short-tempered one, but one none the less. And those words you used, hurt but you're not meaning to. and sadly I can finally see that most of this is my self-built walls. But maybe we're more alike then I think about it, the more we talk about anything and get everything out in the open. We were stupid kids back then, now we're decent adults.  Once again, I have left my ways on guilt-tripping at the front door, and I’m decent mentally? I mean I finally have labels for what I suffer from, which the list is a little long I assume? I have depression, social anxiety, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, gender dysphoria, and a off and on eating disorder and relapses from my addictive personality. So giving you a heads up if you still want to be friends with little old me how heavy my weight might be around since I am so mentally fucked I like to be so hard on myself without any actual reasoning. I can’t stand alone for to long, leave me alone for a couple hours and I’ll start hating myself mostly since I’ve lost love and interests any hobbies I have. Even my art because I think I’m a shit artist.  - ａｓｈｔｏ n  ♡

[ih8me2ash]

My Journal Entries (post #22)

992 words 5,005 characters

I’m not an angry person, am I?

Once I get a taste of who I am supposed to be, my ego and courage are shattered. And I never get the chance to recover myself since I take the truth to much to heart as a normal naive person would. But I will repeat this to the day I die that I want people to be completely one-hundred percent honest with me, but somethings hurt too much to stand when I’m told it.

Am I being over-dramatic like always? Or is this one of those civil wars in my head again? Conflict of confusion to even be concerned if I’m going to even make it out alive, I want to let these feelings go of not being good enough for anyone. I keep messing up, who am I? I can’t even breathe to even know that anymore. I get mad and take it out on myself. I’m falling back into self-harm because I feel like when I get angry for no reason or when I’m numb I tend to blame myself and I need to get this pain out or it’s going to eat me alive... I was disappointed at first, I was scared at first, no one asked, so I hardly reached out when I relapsed. I just want to stop the scars from growing to much out of hand for me.

Why is it alright for others to make mistakes that I never mention because I trust they’ll get better, but it feels like I’m being jeopardized? Everyone else can be knocked off their horse but I’m supposed to stay on my saddle? I’ve just been quiet, but that’s not good enough, I thought I was doing things right staying out of it but people don’t like my lack of empathy behavior. But when I get involved I don’t know all the much about what I’m fighting for “apparently,” or I’m being to blunt because I’m standing my ground because people didn’t care about hurting me back then, so I don’t really care about hurting people anymore. “Lashing out” is the phase I keep hearing that’s going to make me snap, why do I feel misunderstood when I explain things? Is this because of the conflicted war in my head? Is having peace in my head so hard than it needs to be?

This is probably an easy fix but my mind is so shocked and misconstrued by what I had to deal with for seems to be a century when that was only seventeen years in my life. I’m twenty, and I feel like I’m never given enough time to morn because other people rely on me? Since when did I receive the title of a savior? Even heroes need to breathe and have time to think, but when I requested as such I feel guilty for leaving everyone alone. Sometimes I can’t take the pressure, sometimes I lie about even considering handing myself over to my suicidal thoughts because I’ll be missed? People are temporary, so is having the sweet relief of being even okay in this life anymore when I’m clearly only here to suffer in my own little world.

Why was I never good enough in the first place? Was this a sick prank god? Because you can stop it now, I’ve learned my lesson. Just please, let me be. Or at least you should have killed me those times so I would have been in my grave not having to avoid this heartbreak of being me. So I can stop thinking about my pity, or the party. Let my life be as steady as if it were me holding a swing set seat with my feet, I can use it to swing back and forth or just sway, and once I’m done I’ll get off after my smoke. I promise you can even check to see if my fingers are crossed. I’m just looking for balance and control in my life, and I’m tired of being on these crazy rides when I just want to take these two-quarters of a baby step at a time. I’m honestly not that special as everyone makes me out to be, I’m actually extremely fragile. But I have these two personas to keep in line, or maybe more? The question of the day is always going to be “Who am I?” and am I going to live long enough to find out at this rate? Since every second I sit here, I’m on the breaking point of hurting myself or the worst of attempting suicide.

It’s not even settled anymore, it’s just a switch in my head that says, “Kill yourself, hurt yourself, no one would even care since your not good enough anymore.” I can’t even look at myself in my mirror for too long without thinking about how dead inside I look. Am I angry? Or am I finally accepting that I am a monster like the rest of my family, and I’m going to turn everything and everyone into dust when I touch it? My eyes have dark circles because once again at night I’m scared to fall asleep, some part of me is waiting and praying for it to happen and the other is dreading and almost wetting itself of the thought. My head is like my room because it's a mess. I'm done feeling worthless, I don’t want to be so imperfect but the only person I can blame is either myself or my past. I can’t help to put the blade right on my wrist and slit until it spurts everywhere. If it wasn’t them clipping my wings, I’m continuing it for them now. I’m putting myself back in that birdcage because that’s how they taught me and I can't seem to break myself from the same thing repeating itself again and again.  I’m so confused, please just let me go..  - ａｓｈｔｏｎ ♡

[ih8me2ash]

⌜ F U C K ⌟

Guess who's back just for a ranting post to make people feel so bad for me. 

Sike

 I just got a bitch about something because I'm pretty sure you all really do miss me. If not I don't care anymore, But just saying this and this only. Fuck my real family at this point, you heard me I don't care about them besides my brother. I don't want to be bothered by them anymore.

***A little bit of back story, My bio baby hotel of a mother who has abused me since I was five, and neglected me since I was born. started deadnaming me and stalk my Facebook page and stealing my profile pics and claiming she is worried about me being dead? Harassing my friends and my adopted family about the fact that someone I guess told her I was dead? Why should she fucking care? I told her to get a life because I know she hasn't and blocked her because that was so annoying to wake up too.***

Let’s just start off saying, at this point in knowing my mother on a personal level I really should have seen this coming from her. Like she’s not uncommon to this whole tactic of when other people are doing “well” for themselves she has to try to bring them down to her level and make them suffer as much as her. I’m just really upset that she can act like she ever gave a shit about me when in reality she’s just guilty for what she did and let what happened to me. I know I am are aware of how much I am scared of being like her, she’s such a toxic person and I feel like prodigy coming out of her womb. Because I’ve changed for the better but she only knows how to change for the worst. And at this point, I’m just so tired trying with her. Do I feel like shit giving up on her? Yeah, but she gave up on me first and I feel like she doesn’t even understand how much as an adult that effects me. I’m scared to cry in front of people, in front of any of my friends because of what she’s done to me. I have nightmares of when she would beat me almost to death, and now she’s worried if I’m alive??? I’m calling her on this bullshit she’s trying to pull, she was never a good mother and she’s trying to prove it again. And honestly, I’m just old enough to see through the facade. I’m not her puppet anymore, I’m just pissed she’s trying this all right now for me to pity her. And I’m not biting, for all I care she could just drop off the face of the earth again.

I’m glad she went to jail, just mad they let her fucking stupid greedy ass out. And I doubt she has been looking for me because if she was she would have already found me. She is not looking for me, she is getting a needle probably shoved in her fucking arm in a back alley with some more homeless people. She has never tried for me, I did so much for her as a kid. And what did I get back? That bitch’s backhand, I’m bigger now so let’s see her crack ass try that with me now. I gave her to many chances then I should have had, and that's why I’m calling her greedy because she wants more spins on my wheel. She’s just a selfish person, like the most selfish person I’ve ever met in my whole life, and she has pride calling herself my mother? It really does disgust me. She is a complete headache, and knowing that she’s “worried” about me? It’s almost laughable, she wasn’t worried then she isn’t allowed to be worried now. Even further in the future, I’m an adult now. I don’t need her anymore, I didn’t need her in the first place. I might have my scars but I did best trying to survive. Even with the abuse and neglect, and she’s going to play the victim card and that she is just such an innocent person, my ass and she can fucking kiss it. If she can even get close to me which is 0 out of 100. I’m not going to give her a charity anymore. I’m not a fucking prize pony, I’m not that child anymore fill with sympathy and being so empathetic to her.

She doesn’t get a single brownie point from me, I know I sound so heartless to my mother, and yeah some of these things hurt talking about but it needs to be said. I’m not going to lie, I’m glad she gave birth to me, I wouldn’t have met the people who actually care about me, or like have friends like Rob, Bee, and Dan, but I’m not grateful of how she raised me. And I’m tired of hearing from other people who don’t know her as I knew her: “Oh, she was trying.” or “She was a struggling mother.” My ass, she was a stupid whore of a woman who could never keep her damn legs close long enough to give a shit about her living status to wonder if having a new breathing living thing was a good thing or not. She should have never had me to be honest but I'm happy I’m here now. Just wish I didn’t belong to that family, I’m happy with the new family now...

How the hell could you also forgive her? She was just horny to have any of her kids and when she realized no one wanted to be with her she gave up on them because once again she was fucking selfish, fuck mother's day. I didn't get her shit, because I feel like it would have broken out into something I didn't want to even deal with. That family is so dysfunctional and I was right, I knew if I look back to them I would of realize how better off I am to move on while they're still digging their own holes. I'm normal enough and if I'm not I have people who support me. People love me, they love Ashton, me, and if not? Who cares, I have a backbone now. You don't know how much I've started to take care of myself for the better in this life I've made. And guess what? I didn't cheat or lie to get it my way, shit just happens. Sure I was dealt a terrible hand but I'm accepting it to play my cards right now. No thanks to my real mother.

I've got this, I don't need you. I'm proud of who I am, and I'm not looking back anymore just looking forward. Don't pull me back because you're jealous. I was just tired of giving you so much of my time when it's so apparent that you didn't give two shits about what I was offering and when I have no more left to give you're crying my name and "searching for me" good luck with that. But that's what you get for biting the hand that fed you so many times. I did feel bad about you once when I still believed my mother would love me no matter what, I even use the same excuse of you not being on your pills. You were, just not the ones that were prescribed to you. I'm just tired of lying to myself that you're ever going to be a good mother, I think I've cried so much about that for so long, that you even being in my life is just so painful. Because I know you're just going to try to use me and then I'm stuck in that loop again with you.

It's just a sense of acceptance, I'm not that little kid anymore praying to God that my mom will come back to me better and healthy. And I'm not going to sit here and lie about it, I still do love you you're my mom but I just can't love you is the point. It's just that you're so self-destructive and so unaware of everything around you that if something seems odd you try to hurt it. And I was one of those victims to it, you hurt me for so many years physically and mentally and I don't think I could ever forgive you. So I have to choose not to love you for my own safety and my own mental and health benefits. And honestly, I never say these things to not encourage people to get better, it's just some of my own personal beliefs that you can't. I think you wasted too much of my time in my life that it's just easy to accept those beliefs. Because every time you try to pull me back in you're still doing the same thing, even when I acknowledge you. It's not like I have a title to keep up, to be honest, I'm pretty sure everyone in my real family still calls me the same exact thing. And they'll think this is another attempt to lash out at them when I really don't care that they have their panties in a bunch. It's just you jeopardize my title completely, but I can erase that that's my own decision and I'm so terribly sorry that you can't accept that. That was sarcasm by the way. I would never apologize to you because I know you'll never apologize to me. And for what it's worth you can keep it and use it for something to blow your nose with when you're done fake crying at you're own pity party.

And there is just too long of a list for your apologies, like neglecting me, beating me, insulting me, basically physically and mentally corrupting my mind at such a young age that sometimes as an adult it's really hard for me to function. Let's not even start with how many birthdays you missed after I grew up in my adolescence, not even accepting me for who I was even when I told you who I wanted to be. If you can't accept that your child wants to be your son and no longer your daughter I don't know how cruel you could be. Honestly, when we had that last fight, that's when I think that was where I realized there was nothing left to fight for with you. I think I lost you then. How can you apologize for so many years of trauma I have to work on now? The answer, you can't. You chose this life over making mine loving and cared for. You didn't pick me. Live with that. Goodbye.

That was a nice thing to get off my chest, catch yall on the flip side.

- ａｓｈｔｏｎ ♡

[ih8me2ash]

My Journal Entries (post #20)

Word count:  957     "So, here I am again. I'm just struggling so much that I just need to vent. I'd rather be ignored, and left alone just so it would be easy to depart. " "Speaking of departure, it's a constant trouble to make friends at my age and my mental status, I feel older in a manner that is kind of like an old man stuck in a nineteen-year-old's body. Like anyone around my age is just immature and wastes my time because they just want to ruin my life. Drama, and whatnot. I can't really figure it out, I was never really interested in people like in high school I would try to keep to myself because I was terrified to express myself. Granted I did collect a small amount of "Friends" Which they just wanted someone to hear their gospel about how much their lives are so miserably intolerable, when their lives were so built for them and they really had no room to complain in my eyes. Things happened to me when I was younger and up to my adolescence and I still to this day think about it. Which kinda keeps my wall so high with new people, strangers aren't so easily trusting, even if I had been talking to them for a good solid six to seven months, my wall is still there. I do seem emotionless to them, to keep them at bay. I don't want to ever get hurt by people, and right now I am. I trusted someone so easily again, she said we could be friends and that I was such a great person and I always have her. So I listed her under being a close friend, it felt nice to have someone care about me and understood that sometimes life just happens. But once again, it was a lie. She started to get very sexual with me with her choice of words. Me, stupidly thinking it was her way of joking replied the same. It got worst when she kept complimenting me, I already have such low self-esteem so I really didn't believe her but told her that was sweet of her to say. " "She and her partner had a falling out, and every single day, it was just the same old same old. "Let's hangout." "I'm bored." "I'm coming over even though you said no, you really meant yes." And I felt like I was being used for my company, which I kept reminding her that I'm not in a good mental state and she would start telling me the things I never wanted to hear from someone I wanted to be my best of friends, "Get over it." "You're always making everything sad, be happy!" "You're coping ways are super sad." Then the straw the broke the camel's back when I started talking to her ex-partner because I am still friends with them, told me that she just wants to have sex with me and didn't think of me as a friend but a lover. I am asexual, and to be honest, I feel like an airhead that I fell for the same red flags again, that people only want to use me for my body and break me down again. That I wasn't important to people unless I gave them a piece of me. That she betrayed me, that she wanted to fool around and leave me. It kinda hurts hearing that, and it seems so much like her to say something like that. I broke our friendship a week ago, I told her that I can't be her friend, and I started to shut her out. She still makes attempts to talk to me. But this is why I never like women in the first place, they make leaving so impossible. She just wants to keep things normal after me knowing that I was just a piece of raw meat in a lion's den." "We ended up having a few hours of a text argument, the last statement was her threatening suicide if I didn't forgive her. Saying she had been faking being happy all this time and that she does think about this very often, I didn't want to even relate to that statement, but you know after my line of things from attempting suicide thirteen times and failing all of the attempts just seem invalided to include my sob story since I told her already prior, and it sounded like she never listened to me in the first place. So my suspicions of her ex lying went away. That she only wanted one thing from me. Even though I told her more than three times that I would never be interested in her in a romantic way in the slightest because she would bring those conversations to the table. " "Some part of me is glad that it's over between us, and the rest of me keeps blaming myself for falling for an easy trap. I guess that's all I'm good for is being the emotionless dumb one. She wasn't really a good person either, it's just I'm so disappointed in myself that I kept defending her, and thinking that she actually cared about me. Warning signs just kept popping up and I just brushed them off, and now I'm left hurt. She seems so unphased after everything, we go to the same support group and she hasn't mentioned anything about it, neither have I. But she still tried to talk to me, and it very awkward being when someone fucks me over I get very hostile and defensive to make them hate me so they will stop trying to be around me first. " “That's my bad, it's my fault." - ａｓｈｔｏ n  ♡

[ih8me2ash]