#i wish i was joking /lie
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hear me out,,
#mcr#if you know you know#i feel in my heart that this is right#my chemical reunion#gerard way#my chemical romance#mcr 2022#frank iero#mcr tour#ray toro#mikey way#im omw to make myself a shirt rn#i wish i was joking /lie#pool boy at the vampire mansion
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How is she supposed to compete with him?
#my art tag#fanart#my art#art#artist#original character#oc#durarara#izaya orihara#shizuo heiwajima#shizaya#maybe???????#drrr#This is based on an episode of La Rosa de Guadalupe#I wish it were a lie#meme#joke#funny#selfship#i guess
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My day be so fine and then boom rsd
#someone made a slightly humorous joke at my expense and now I’ve decided to stop talking forever#that’s a lie unfortunately I can’t shut up no matter how hard I truly#as expressed in my last vent post#augh I wish I wasn’t too much all the time#someone remove my vocal chords#vent#rsd
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me: and that is the modern state of internet socialism, the religion founded over you that currently goes against your every principle, and hazbin hotel
Jesus Of Nazareth: ומהי שפת לועז?
me: משכב זכר? 🥺
#doctor's orders#the joke is that jesus is asking me “what language is that” in biblical hebrew#and im saying “gay sex” (man lie with man) also in biblical hebrew#because i wish to know jesus carnally#also his actual name was likely Yeshua Ben Yosef
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I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun
#sorry if anyone sees these im tired of using my personal discord servet to vent. i always spiral too much#anyways i have an idea for a good poem to write for class because of recent events#ughhhh idk i just wish i wasnt so annoying about asking if i can open ip to people#or if someone would just ask if i was okay. i mean actually id probably lie i am not actually good at being open.#but like hey idk it feels nice to feel like people genuinely want to know#ughhhhfhfhf i do this to myself sometimes JSHSJSKDJDJD#welp its just how life goes. i feel lonely all the time and i soldier on#surely helping the next person will make me feel better! nope. surely helping yhis next person will make me feel better! nope. surely-#tgats me. thats what i sound like#yeah idk it feels like everyone is going through something worse than me so itd be a moral failing on my part#to ask them if i could just like. feel bad. noticeably#not even talk about it just look down and out of it for a day#yknow i emailed one of my teachers asking permission to go by a new preferred name#this is at like. a massive very queer and trans art school.#and i asked him permission to do this#and i was joking with my friends about how pathetic i sounded in it#and one of them patted me on the head and said “there there buddy” like very jokingly#but i almost cried because thats the first time in so long someone has like. really tried to comfort me#or shown me much physical affection#my mom gives me hugs and stuff but thats always about her. i dont blame her shes got a lot of stuff going on#but idk its really selfish of me but i just wanna have people see me and feel bad for me and it be about my pain for a little while#ill get over it im just being a teenager but shit god fucking damnit#i just want a break from feeling like my world is falling apart#then getting some footing#then it falling apart again#okay i feel a bit better now better stop the complain train JDJDJSKSJD#hey why do i never hear that it rhymes and everything thays so good#damn i gotta use that more#welp weve reached our stop sorry if anyone ever read thjs. hope you have a nice day tho lol
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That sad realization that not only did the undiagnosed autism lead to me not realizing my "friends" were actually bullying me the whole time I knew them but I was also unintentionally doing something similar to neurotypical friends because I didn't understand how we thought differently
#i just want yall to know that when i first wrote undiagnosed my phone autocortected that to undigested so. yeah#you heard it hear folks. autism is undigestable. thats why we all got tummy problems#anyway this is why is struggling with communication and maintaining relationships is a symptom#although my relationships always seem fine to *me* because im oblivious as fuck#and this is why autism questionnaires need to be phrased differently#alsp yeah. thinking about that one time i went to a summer camp and i joked about a girl in mine and my friends dorm#who was sleep talking that night. and one of the counselors immediately shamed me for bullying#like we were all there and awake. everyone already knew and laughed so i assumrd it was funny#but then suddenly *I* was being mean...? i understand more now but i wish someone explained it to me more gently#why did everyone laugh it was mean? i thought they laughed because it was funny#still dont understand why people laugh if something is hurtful. i didnt want to insult the girl either#i considered us friends and i was just trying to include her in the conversation#it was still not ok though...#theres another time that comes to mind when i said matter of factly that my sister was a liar#in front of her boyfriend who then very aggressively silenced me#i didnt understand why you would lie if you cant accept being a liar#it wasnt meant as an insult it was meant as the truth#but maybe if it was insulting she should stop lying#idk it was really weird#maybe this is why i didnt realize people where insulting me#because to them they were picking on me#but to me they were either stating a fact or falsely accusing me#i get embarrassed too of course but only because its whats expected of me#that makes me feel scared and inferior and alone. and thats what embarrassment feels like for me#it feels like everyone is unforgivingly looking at me with a magnifying glass
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spending my time very productively (watching kimchay edits and crying)
#laying in bed curled up under 5 blankets with my laptop and a tissue box#i wish this was a joke#or a lie#but uh#i'm running out of tissues#maybe this wasn't my brightest idea#tea's ramblings#i think someone should take kimchay away from me#but i wouldn't survive that#so maybe not
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Dead Girl Walking (Reprise) is Link’s song… that’s it, bye.
#gothcleats#dndads#dungeons and daddies#dndads s2#scary marlowe#lincoln li wilson#link li wilson#dndads as songs#his solution is a lie#I wish your dad was good#I wish we met before they convinced you life was war#that’s him to scary no joke#dndads spoilers
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tag drop
#IS THIS INSANE? AM I INSANE? ; ( musings )#TAKE IT ALL! ; ( isms )#DOES MY FACE LIE? ; (face )#AND BY THE WAY... I FUCKING HATE GOLDFRAPP ; ( memes )#MAYBE NOT A CALABASAS GIRL ; ( about )#OR DID SOCIETY MAKE ME THAT WAY? ; ( character study )#TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE HAUNTED BY ; ( meta )#TEENAGE? YEAH. JOKE? NO. ; ( answered )#THIS IS WHEN THINGS HAPPEN YOU KNOW? IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ; ( aesthetic )#FOUR OUT OF FIVE DOCTORS AGREE THAT I AM ACTUALLY INSANE ; ( headcanons )#PRETTY PLEASE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP? ; ( wish list )#NOW IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP ; ( out of character )#WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? WORSHIP ME! ; ( self promo )
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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also I've mentioned this movie's unintended impact on my little brain before but, there's something in the fact that the first time I ever saw a trans male character was through click in the form of an annoying transphobic gag - like, I was 11, I was vaguely aware of what gender dysphoria was as concept, but don't think it was ever on my radar that people could ftm - and the fact that, given the choice, I would definitely want to age into christopher walken, who was also in that movie. not sure what that something Is but, it's there.
#it's also just such a. Weird passing gag. he skips ahead a few years and his nervous little assistant is a trans fella now#not gonna lie you don't see a lot of trans jokes that aren't misogyny-based and it's so out of the blue#that I'm too nonplussed to be offended by it#it wasn't exactly my trans awakening thank god that honour goes mostly to z.elda-sheik and that f.airly odd parents episode#but that was still a time where I thought ''disguised as boy'' was the limit in my world like wowww#it's so cool when girls get to pretend to be boys :)#I wish u could be a boy in real life.....
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Writing Shadow Ops lore is pretty fun actually
#by which i mean lore i just made up lmao#i have been reading the wiki + watching arena cutscenes to try get as much lore as i can#but there's only so much out there u know#plus its fun to imagine how the organization has evolved since arena#obvs this is for captain so the organization is at least 20+ years old?#but yeah.#i won't lie its pretty damn basic because im kinda just messing around at the moment#but still pretty fun#its also for a post captain story that kinda uhm popped into my head recently#set a few years after captain#tbh i dont know if i'll ever like talk about it because it is so self indulgent and its one of those it started as a joke but now its not#and so obvs inspired by a series that i am kinda fixated on atm that im a litte embarrassed 💀#but eh its all for my own amusement anyway so live laugh love besties am i right#<- im sorry i am unironically obsessed with saying live laugh love its just so funny to me#anyways i do wish we got more on the shadow ops in game and like what kinda things they do but ig ill just run with what i have
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.
#went to a friend's house for a get-together today#and we were hanging out in their basement. which is the ususal get-together spot#when suddenly!! and very much like a cliche!! SOMETHING catches my eye#now im not good at identifying computers#but according to my friends it was a first gen mac!! it even had the rainbow apple logo!!!#god it was so cute i am not even going to lie. like it looked PERFECT#i wish i could have gotten a picture tbh THAT'S how much i liked it#and like. i did a half-joke-y 'hey handsome you come here often?'#but later in the party i was looking over at it and like. felt REALLY nervous in a good way!! like seeing a crush#man. need to see it again#objectum
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nothing pisses me off more than how figure skating reporters/news will constantly and intentionally leave out important details of stories in order to produce ragebait for people who don’t know anything about figure skating
#like i’m sorry but surya bonaly is NOT the hill you want to die on.#they banned backflips BEFORE SHE WAS EVEN COMPETING because guess what!#USFSA/ISU doesn’t want to deal with skaters breaking their fucking necks and dying on live tv!#or make young skaters feel like they Have To Learn how to do it and then fucking dying because of how INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS it is.#dont get me wrong figure skating is conservative and racist as fuck and surya bonaly faced some pretty horrific racism in her career#but banning the backflip had absolutely nothing to do with her and everything to do about not having skaters fucking die#also i’m not sorry but her edgework fucking sucked. like her jumps were incredible i can’t lie but her edges were. painful to watch at best#see also: everything regarding the sambo 70 and eteri#i am so sick and fucking tired of seeing people who don’t skate just hype up these incredible abused teenagers and hail them like gods#they don’t need fame they need HELP and eteri needs to be in fucking JAIL for what she’s done to SO MANY KIDS#i hope this sport gets more boring!! i hope i see less quads and less teenagers!!#what i want to see is competitive skaters who are still able to skate when they’re 25+ because their training was healthy and genuine#i want to see good technique and clean lutz edges and no full blade assistance on toe jumps bc thats what will save your joints#i want to see skaters with muscle and fat who have healthy relationships w/ food and their bodies and are stronger for it#this sport is so fucked. it’s a joke. i love skating but i wish i never had to interact with the community around it#ESPECIALLY those who have never gone through the sport themselves. stop getting off on abused children and start advocating for SAFETY#rosie speaks
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hate how getting better requires opening up about what's wrong. do i look like someone who can do that? run a troubleshooting wizard on me and be done with it will you
#ramblings#making. efforts to figure out my Undefined Physical Illness. they are not going very well#(i am an anxious forgetful disaster and i take psychic damage from being perceived)#i wish i could know what's wrong with me without anyone else having to know what's wrong with me </3#idk what my problem with it even is. it's just. writing down or talking about how i feel invariably feels so Wrong#i have to lie about it or intentionally downplay it or turn it into a joke. i cannot be objective and earnest here sorry#this is probably a really common experience but . a#let me curl up like a scug and hibernate i don't wanna deal with this (the 'this' in question is me)
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I think my blog content has gotten so kazumaji-centric lately that my brain had to send me a romantic fantasy about nishiki in my Dreams to keep me in check and remind me of my roots here
#look. I can balance things. I swear#I’m half joking#I do honestly think I’m probably just really lonely and wish I had a boyfriend who looks like him. not even gonna front#fjdhghdjdjdn anyway this is so sad. i don’t have feelings all of this was a lie and you never saw anything#rambling
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