#i wish i had meds that worked on me
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Man 🙃
#i’m honestly amazed that i’m able to work at all#but tbh it’s the only thing keeping me somewhat sane#and gives me social interactions#but outside of work i’m a total mess right now#cleaning feels impossible and now even taking a shower feels like the hardest task ever#but i did manage to shower! hurray!#i wish i had meds that worked on me
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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🙃
#just want to apologize to anyone who has tried to reach out lately#just like I texted my friend I’ll tell you guys the same#haven’t been talking to a lot of people lately tbh#pretty sure I’ve mentioned php a few times by now#monday was my last day#and I was feeling on top of the world on Monday#I don’t remember the last time I was so genuinely happy#figured it was the med change or something#so I was feeling pretty optimistic#I’m in between programs now#and today was not the best#not as bad as some of my days#but definitely not even near the day I had on Monday#I just wish I could feel that every single day#I’m working on it but still#waiting to start ‘adult day treatment’ and case management#and I think case management will help me find a place??? I’m not sure exactly but that’s kinda what I was getting#which honestly? I know I’ve bitched about how badly I need to move#but while I was in php I realized I don’t think I’ll truly be able to heal while I’m living here… and that’s a scary thought#idk there’s a lot more deeper things that I don’t wanna talk about#but the fact I don’t have space and I don’t feel safe and comfortable here is hard….#my ‘safe’ space was my car but now that I’m trying to quit smoking my car isn’t the best place for me#I’ve been kinda getting used to my room and I’m finally trying to move a few things around#(now that I have a little energy again)#it’s just……. my arachnophobia is KILLING me here#in the past week I don’t even know how many spiders I’ve seen and killed#they haven’t been crazy and I recognize I don’t live in Australia or places where the spiders are as big as fucking cars#I came home and I was in a good mood until I saw a spider in my room 🙃🙃🙃 tried to vacuum it but not sure if I got it……..#so guess im sleeping on the couch….. again…. but can’t help think if out here is any better…#shut up rosie
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I feel like spiraling is always described as a quick thing but let me tell you. Girls will get afraid and slowly spiral for months I think.
#Like overall we're. Okay#Just wish I had disability getting approved soon or I find a new job or I can just somehow not be sitting in#Either the negatives or slightly above the negatives#Financially I am slowly dying and I'm not dead in the water because my beloved gf is amazing and thankfully can handle this#For at least a few months#But my long term thoughts are so uncertain#I just want to be around her and I just want us to live comfortably#I'm ever so slowly trying to crawl out of this over a year art block and that's a bit taxing mentally too#Idk I just want a bedframe that doesn't make me scared I'll fall every time I sleep or get on it#I wanna work off my fuckhuge loan debt#Its been so ungodly hard recently#I'm also thankful my dr rocks and meds have been helping with pain a good bit.#It just feels like I'm ever so slowly slipping into pretty much bed ridden territory again#Even with the meds. They help the pain a good bit (sometimes) but I still feel exhausted. And I'm getting insomniatic again#I just wanna sleep. I just wanna feel no stress for the first time. I've been stressed since fucking middle school#Or maybe even 6th grade because thats when the chronic pain started! Yayy!!!
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⛵
#I also keep seeing modern au aubrey-maturin art#that makes me wish I could draw and thereby contribute#unfortunately I can't even *write* modern aus generally. but I like transferring character dynamics from place to place in my brain#and I feel like I could do a university AU very nicely if I could do AUs at all#because I have had rowers in my class with as far as I could tell jack's exact personality#(unfortunately it has to be a US university AU because (a) that's what I know and (b) afaik nobody else does randomly assigned roommates)#(and I cannot pass up the opportunity for randomly assigned roommates.#OR RATHER#for 'you seem more or less human - quick let's request each other so we don't have to go into potluck'#I think that works best)#(but maybe they are both international students anyway. that works fine. & therefore extremely alarmed by potluck [can't say they're wrong]#sophie is a sorority girl. english major I think. and I can see her so clearly#(she's the part I want to draw)#she's not that into the high-octane social schedule her sorority expects her to have#but her pushy mother was a member and it is Unthinkable that sophie should not be#and a lot of the other girls are sweet :) so it's fine :) she says#feel like she has roommate issues (unlike her original self she is able to live away from mrs williams so this makes up for that)#so she's always over in jack and stephen's room. people who know her tangentially sometimes gossip about which one she's actually dating#(at that particular moment it is actually neither of them she's just hanging out with stephen)#diana freed from the shackles of 19th century womanhood creates even more and weirder drama than in canon#idk I just want to see the plot of post captain played out over text message#don't ask me HOW idk HOW i just want it#stephen is a biology major/pre-med obvs. if he can survive organic chemistry#jack is some kind of engineering major. I think he'd enjoy that with the math. diana has changed her major 7 times#(I don't know whether to put jack in rotc. I don't think it Actually actually fits - he's in the navy in canon because he's in the navy#not bc he's Inevitably Military In All Worlds. he would not want to do that if he didn't get to sail#but at the same time I find it hard to picture him not belonging to Discipline somehow.#it's more than a disinterested passion for cleanliness that drives him to wash stephen's mug for him that has had coffee and ramen in it#(and NOT in that order)#in the bathroom sink
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I'm so tired
#not to come on here just to complain and feel sorry for myself especially because i know things are so much worse for so many other ppl#but as hard as i'm trying it's hard to believe things will be okay i'm trying so hard not to fall into defeatist attitudes#but fuck man. fuck. it's not even that i'm surprised or anything it's just. man#i want to curl up in a ball and just be comforted and cry and be upset but i can't do that and i have no one to do that#my worker's comp payments aren't coming through like they're supposed to and i have like ten dollars and barely any food in the apartment#my injuries aren't getting better the pain is still there even though i'm doing everything i'm supposed to#my meds aren't working but meds have NEVER worked on me and i keep hoping and praying some day i'll find one that will but i fear they won'#i have more psych testing in january but a part of me worries about doing it because if (when) i test positive for certain things it will b#on my record and considering..... the state of things i worry about what that means for me and my autonomy esp regarding anything medical#i still can't convince any doctors to take my issues that are almost CERTAINLY endometriosis seriously and again.... given the state of thi#i find it very hard to believe that will change and will in fact only get worse and i will never be able to get any kind of sterilization o#hysterectomy and if something ever ended up happening and i DID get pregnant well. it would not be good for me#i feel very alone and like i need to and must handle everything on my own but i feel like i'm about to break doing that#and then this. this. this this this this. i know it's not fair to be upset about it. like i said things are so much worse for so many other#but fuck dude. fuck man. mentally i have not been doing good recently and nothing has happened in my life to really help that recently#i want to go back to being so repressed i genuinely felt/believed i was emotionless this was not a good year for the dam to break#i told my therapist the other day that i feel like a toddler. i was so repressed and emotionless for as long as i can remember#so i never learned to deal with big ugly and overwhelming emotions. so i react as a child still learning would because i never got the#chance to learn how to manage them and FUCK MAN i feel like i'm losing it#i know it's important to do what you can and not fall into overly negative mindsets but that's not something i was good at anyways#and now it's even harder but i'm trying. fuck dude i'm trying so hard i want to be hopeful i want to do what i can#i don't want to hate everything and jump immediately to wanting to kms or destroying my whole life because what's the point#i just. holy fuck. man i need a minute to breathe and i wish i had someone physically here to hold me and tell me it's okay#but i don't have that so i'll be a big girl and sort myself out like usual and just hope i don't break yet#i'm gonna go watch anime and try and read fic to distract myself but mannnnnnnn i feel like i'm losing it#kaz rambles
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Got my phone on my own account, so I am Officially independent of my father (in terms of stuff I pay every month)
Also now know what I'm gonna get from life insurance and. Well. It really is a life changing amount of money. Enough that I could potentially just... not work as I make my way through the rest of school.
I want to be careful with it, not grow too flippant about it, but with proper allocation, this could genuinely help me finally get my life on track.
I'm still kinda reeling over it. It's genuinely mind-boggling.
#speculation nation#so. some positives in all the utter crap of this situation.#this year was already the year of Unfucking My Life. that was my motto. it still should be.#grief is... a difficult beast. but im going to make sure that i make the most of this.#he had life insurance in the first place as a final gift to us should anything happen to him.#and im not going to squander it. i will get on adhd meds. i will finish school. i will pay off my debt.#i will get a good job to hopefully let me live a comfortable life.#and as much as i wish he was still in it. was still around to see the places i go.#i am his child. pragmatic to the end.#lots to think about. lots to process. for now i've got a house to keep working on packing.
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to the ppl that have sent me an ask in the past week or so: i saw them & will try to answer em tomorrow! sorry for taking a while. i am . perpetually lost in time
#very anxious also#+ every time im like ok today im gonna answer asks my brain is like go my scarab. and the scarabs name is executive dysfunction#i really wish i had meds to help me deal w/ it bc frankly its getting really out of control#i spent the entire day making shit out of corks instead of like. working on much more important stuff. that i Wanted to work on
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thinking abt how much of my life i’ve lost to depression and i truly want to throw up
#day to day doesn’t feel like much but. oh no it’s been like fully a decade#i wish therapy wasn’t so expensive#bc for a while i was on meds (that. didn’t do much tbh.) but that made me feel like i was Treating It so i was making progress#spoiler alert it did not. and now the fact that i’ve wasted so much of my life is making it worse#bc everyone else i know has like. lives and people in them#and i pretty much just have my parents. and my mom is also going through it#i have relied SO much on them and that also feels bad!!! feels like i’ve taken advantage of them!!!!!#i know people talk about how much it messes w your memory but i figured it was short term bc the days all blend together#i literally had a moment yesterday where i forgot i went to college at all#the whole thing feels like a missed opportunity bc i didn’t do anything i wanted to really#i was too afraid to go to clubs that looked interesting. i didn’t think practically abt what i was studying#i mostly didn’t have roommates but when i did i was Bad At It#i managed to go through the whole time only speaking to like. three people#so you can see how it’s kind of. completely forgettable#i have worked jobs bc it’s a paycheck. never really enjoyed them never really made friends (even tho now i’m kicking myself for not keeping#in touch with some people) but i have always kept a very strong work/life division even in school#because i was there to do a Specific Thing so that’s all that matters yknow#anyway. sometimes i DO wish i could go back to high school bc even tho it sucked. it was structured#and i had resources and more time to try things and like. a life outside of my computer. a little bit#yknow. i feel like people have more sympathy if you’re anxious abt everything and never gone outside#when you’re 16 as opposed to 25
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#sometimes i find the degree to which i cannot concentrate very alarming#like bro i canno read. i have so much to do but i wanna sleep forever#i just have to get up and go somewhere else. normally id go transfer algae or run but im stuck inside and .y fingers r all cold#usually its just in the morning that I get thr high distress so its prob the meds#but yesterday was kinda fucked. ugh.i just need to run around but i cant#i have such a sinister combo of: brain stops me from being able to b productive and if im not productive i am compelled to do horrible#things. mood issues and 0cd is horrible. horrible feedback loop#i just wish i could breathe. itll b fine. eventually itll b summer again and itll b fine#its like someone's squeezing my throat. like im sick but i kno its just that im anxious#i was doing so well the past few days in terms of reading and productivity despite the distress#and im trying to b kind and roll with the punches but its so hard#like i kno i need to relax and not resist bc resistance makes it worse but it's just hard and im worried this is how itll always b#i wish i could go back on lamicta1. i felt way better on low dose of that then i do on low dose of abi1ify. its so hard to stay on this#just bc of how my head works. and like things were complicated with the lamicta1. maybe i wouldnt habe had a reaction if i didnt get a#tatto0 while upping the dose but now im marked as allergic so i prob wont b allowed to try any of thr anti convulsive type antidepressants#ugh. i hate this. its so frustrating#unrelated
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I think a lot about how if I'd have been born like 200 years ago I would have been sent to the sea side and dosed with cocaine every day for my Mental Maladies but instead I'm walking around in 2024 and ppl are trying to make me feel like shit for not opting into hustle culture or convince me AI & crypto currency are the future...
#don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for my meds. like.... 100000000% thankful. tbh don't know I'd be shitposting on here today without em....#but my goddddddddddd I'm tired also#I don't want 6 jobs. I don't want to delivery drive all night. I don't want to turn shitty doodles into NFTs.#I take care of my disabled mother while also dealing with my own mental health deficiencies. I raised my brother. he still lives with me.#I'm Tired#I want to just take care of my mom and make cakes & desserts and for that to be enough. but it can't#because we devalue domestic work of any kind including care taking for the eldery/disabled#I mean my union has to FIGHT every few years to make sure we can KEEP our jobs#and it sucks cause... even if I lose my job.... I STILL have to take care of my mom so it's like 🤷♀️#I'm just Tired bro. so tired. I want my baking to work out so bad but I just... don't know. I know it won't net me gobs if money#I'm just so tired of living under this fuckin strain that is The American Dream USA number 1 woooo!#don't you dare ask to make a living wage!#and since I DO want this baking stuff to go well I KEEP practicing and it feels like.... meh.... I'm baking and baking and baking#I want it to be GOOD! but I'm taking my time! and not hustling and it just feels like idk. I'm going too slow#but I'm not.... I've been baking my whole life for free and everyone raved abt it. I want it to be STELLAR so I can make money#I'm just so fckn TIRED man. I wish I had like.... a crystal ball and I could just know if this was a good idea#erin explains it all
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#girl help#my interests are slipping through my fingers so rapidly its horrible#i need a distraction to keep me from thinking too hard about my mental state dropping all the time#but its not working#even Sonic isnt working and thats usually what i use to distract myself from everything#so i dont think#nothing is working#i wish i had motivation to create it makes me feel better#but the only thing ive been able to do is watch markiplier videos because that requires no thinking#i keep having nightmares about the past#and yet#i wish i didnt have to wake up#because sometimes its not nightmares#sometimes its good#i dont feel like im falling apart in my dreams#but when i wake up i feel like my meds are keeping me from falling apart with cheap glue and office tape#i dont know#vent#might delete later#or not. its my blog
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things r bad
#txt#ok they arent like. Awful but theyre bad#im so tired all the time i have no energy to do things I just want to be in my bed and like. hibernate#my meds arent working im gonna start a new assessment soon but that COSTS MONEY#and i DONT HAVE MONEY and i jusf AHHHUUGHHHHHHHHH#i just wish . sometimes . that i had a brain that worked with me .#i wish i had a brain that allowed me to Do things . you know
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really wish there was a tag that separated “I’m having Big Angry and/or Angsty Opinions about Star Wars” from “I’m goofing off with Star Wars I’m playing in the sandbox none of this is real so yes I will make my blorbo and this random glub shitto go on an adventure that makes no logical sense” posts because there’s too much of the former and not enough of the latter for my current mental state
#starlight personal#the good news is that I finally have another ketamine appt scheduled and it’s sooner than I thought they’d have an opening#the bad news is that the appointment is not tomorrow and we’re kinda at the end of my mental-emotional rope#now kids this is what we call: an inherent flaw in my treatment plan that cannot be removed#because pretty much in an ideal world I’d have ketamine appointments every 6 weeks but 1) expensive and probs can’t afford that#2) they don’t have enough availability for that to be realistic 3) can’t take off of work THAT frequently without consequences#4) I would probably start to doubt reality if I was tripping that frequently 5) I don’t think docs would allow it#treatment resistant depression and anxiety my beloathed if we could just chill that’d be great#treatment resistant PMDD my other beloathed someday I will do my damnedest to cut you out of my body#idk not to be too selfpitying on main but god it fucking sucks that I appear to be doomed to another cycle based mood thing#PMDD means I get two good weeks two bad weeks#ketamine being the only effective treatment for whatever my brain’s got going on means two good months followed by x bad months#until my next appointment#which like! two good months is better than no good months I am grateful that something helps#I just wish it was a more convenient help and it could be applied more consistently than my psych office provides#also wish I didn’t have to call them 3 times to get it scheduled but it is what it is#also also wish that I had fewer of the physical side effects of my anxiety and wouldn’t wake up puking the min things are rough#this is all to say: I want silly SW headcanons and droid headcanons and silly fic ideas and not Everyone is Always Suffering#but I’m also too lazy (I.e brain cannot make decisions rn) to search for new tags that may give me more silly#which means time to browse my bookmarks for good good comfort fics I have saved I suppose#(this is lowkey why i want to physically fight everyone i know who’s like ‘yeah meds would help but idk :/‘ like!!!!!!!!#bro it’s a privilege to have access to meds and it’s a privilege to have a body that doesn’t turn on you the min you take one!!!!#just try 10mg of zoloft I would kill for 10mg of zoloft to not make me entirely incapable of functioning!!!)#I don’t mean that - you have a right to take or not take medication and everyone’s reasons may be their own#I just had my body and have some rough feelings around treating my issues being so expensive and inconvenient#and then feeling guilty b/c I know I’m lucky that I can afford it and can take off of work for it when I need to#like I am pretty lucky to have something that works and to have a care team that helped me get here#so I don’t wanna be ungrateful or unappreciative of my own luck in this and the work that went into getting here#I’d just also like it if I could change the circumstances slightly#make treatment on the weekends an option - get my psych office to have more than 2 trip sitters so scheduling isn’t so bad
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everyone say well done charlie for going into the office twice this week!!
#wish i could record a voice note in the chat to explain all my feelings#work day isnt over but im leaving the office early to avoid rush hour traffic#had two excellent 1-2-1s my team leader was lovely and my coordinator made me feel so much better about that new procedure#im so so so so tired though#my amxiety meds make me feel so tired its like my eyeballs are melting out my face sometimes
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Couldn't sleep again due to immense body pain and said pain making me throw up. I'm too young to be living like this, can't get enough pain management to manage my pain and I'm already on the max dose of Gabby in addition to rotting my stomach and liver with over the counter stuff I'm in fucking hell
#and i ruined Halloween and i ruined something rotten forever like i ruin everything and i rot and rot and rot and wish i was in a coma#im a lost fucking cause i think losing the access to my depression med broke me and I'm never getting back to where i was before#even though I wasn't even remotely stable and i cried constantly about how much i suck and my#meds didn't work. i guess they did i just had no idea how fucking heinously shitty and useless i could get.#fucking rock bottom and I'm a useless idiot who can't climb
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