#its times like these where I wish I had meds LOL

[daltonsnightmare]

I know right now I will definitely NOT be making the deadline for any of these prompts but I swear I will finish at least one of these flashfics before the event is over. I prommy

[seriousbrat]

how do you deal with the fact that je*ulus and w*lfstat are so popular in this fandom because i think i may be too emotional but i tweak every time i see them

basically it's just none of my business. I definitely think the jegs should avoid spamming the jily tag for instance because that's pretty disrespectful. I also think that the same way they have every right to enjoy that themselves, I have every right to express my personal dislike of those ships on my personal blog-- as long as I'm not putting it anywhere they're likely to see it. It has nothing to do with jeg or wofl fans as individuals, it's not a personal attack. I think if it's viewed as such maybe people need to take a moment to value how much stock they put in the opinions of strangers. It doesn't (and shouldn't) bother me personally if I come across someone who hates jily or hates snape or something, the same way I'm not offended if someone dislikes olives (just kidding, if you hate olives unfollow me right now)

sure, I think it's worth pointing out that female characters are sidelined in fandom in favour of men. but all it is is pointing it out and discussing it openly, not demanding people change their behaviour.

Ultimately, I can't control people's opinions or preferences, at most I can give my opinion when and if it's warranted. I'd love for marauder fans to be more understanding of snape for instance and vice versa so I talk about them a lot, and maybe that gives someone cause to think differently about a character they hate but in the end I don't really have the power to change people's minds or dictate their interests. I do believe there is definitely a space to love both, as proven by the many people I follow who do so!

[a-leg-without-fear]

Hi congrats on 200 followers! Soon enough, you'll have 300 lol! Anyway, can I request a medium Caramel frapp and (gonna be greedy lol) peppermint latte for Matt Murdock (with a reader that has Dysautonomia?) Hope you have a good day or night or whatever 😅

Bye

Thank you so much!!! And hopefully we hit that (WILD) number soon :) One caramel frapp and a peppermint latte coming up!!

(NSFW warning, lovelies)

Caramel Frapp

Matt was someone who liked to take things slow with you. Taking his time loosening you up, making you so wet you soak the silk sheets below you, whines and whimpers echoing from your throat and into his waiting mouth. All the while cooing in your ear that you're "doing so good," and that you're "so beautiful, sweetheart."

Especially when you'd finally told him about your dysautonomia. He was even slower, if it was possible. Kissing you softly, gently caressing your sides, handling you like you'd break. It annoyed the hell out of you. Some nights you'd wish he'd just get on with it already.

Thankfully, this was not one of those nights.

Matt had texted you an hour before he came home, the message reading "Take your meds, sweetheart." You knew exactly what he'd meant.

His blood was up and he wanted to fuck you senseless.

The memory of his text flashed in your mind while Matt fucked into you from behind. Your meds were doing their job at keeping your blood pressure normal. You knew he'd stop instantly if your dysautonomia acted up. But, by the grace of God himself, your symptoms were manageable.

Matt's grip on you was utterly bruising. Still gloved hands gripping at your hip and throat, holding your naked body flush with his clothed front. Black fabric rasped against your flushed skin. His silver belt buckle dug into the flesh of your thigh as he rammed into you.

"Fuck, sweetheart, you're taking me so well," he grunted into the skin of your neck. He brushed his teeth over your pulse point and rumbled out a low moan, "Mm, you've definitely got a few orgasms in you."

As utter euphoria poured into your veins at Matt's honeyed words and his cock slamming into you, you couldn't help but smile. Thank God he wasn't going slow.

Peppermint Latte

It was a bad day.

Your meds wouldn't be filled for another two days, thanks to your stupid fucking insurance. The orange pill bottles sat miserably empty on your nightstand.

Staying awake was a hurdle all on its own. Constant fog seeped into the edges of your mind. You were drowsy, almost painfully so. Sharp-edged nausea bit at the edges of your empty stomach. It was near impossible to get up and feed yourself as you knew you'd faint after moving even the slightest bit.

All you could do was lay in bed and suffer.

Until Matt got home, that is.

The sound of his key in the door was like an angelic choir to your hypersensitive ears. Your eyelids lifted, the weight like two garage doors, and squinted through the bedroom doorway.

An extremely blurry, dress-shirt wearing Matt moved quickly and quietly through your shared apartment. He toed his shoes off, hung up his suit jacket, and slinked into the bedroom. His concerned expression broke through some of your blurriness.

"Hey, how're you doing?" he asked, delicately running a warm hand down the length of your arm. He must've left his glasses somewhere as his dark eyes were focused somewhere on your sweat-covered forehead.

"Not good," you mumbled groggily. Managing those two words felt like daggers in your inflamed throat. Your eyes squeezed shut again, the sun shining in through the windows becoming too much to your dizzying vision.

Matt sighed, "I'm sorry sweetheart. Want some saltines and water?"

You hummed in affirmation, the vibrations making you wince, then Matt pressed his lips lightly to your hairline. Gentle warmth spread through your body from where he kissed you.

"I'll be right back," he whispered, giving you another kiss then pulling away. You didn't need to open your eyes to know where he was going. This was an unfortunate common occurrence in your lives.

You couldn't help but think of how lucky you were as Matt rummaged around in the kitchen. He was your rock when your symptoms reared their ugly heads. He'd hold you when your dizziness swirled your mind, he'd write notes for you when your memory lapsed, he'd catch you when you fainted, he'd always have tissues at the ready when your eyes watered or your nose ran.

His hand brushed along your shoulder again, pack of saltines crinkling as he set them on the nightstand. You sighed as you nuzzled into his lap.

"I've got you, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere," he said while rubbing soothing circles into your sensitive skin. His presence was the reprieve you'd needed. Like a crackling fire in the middle of a harsh blizzard, Matt kept you warm and safe and comfortable when times were hardest.

I hope I did the struggles of dysautonomia justice!! I did research on the illness, so I hope I described it accurately. Wishing you all some Matt cuddles and... other things ;)

[2frosty4you]

Hello!! I'm the one who requested the reader getting hurt in battle haha, hope you don't mind me requesting again! Don't worry I won't be doing this too much lol. This one's probably a bit weird, so I completely understand if you don't wanna do it! I wanted to know if I could request the mercs comforting a teen reader who just got out of an unhealthy relationship? I just got out of a toxic relationship and it'll really make me feel better :,) Please and thank you!!

Mercs comforting teen reader after toxic relationship [Platonic]

| All mercs x GN!Reader Platonic | 749 words | Masterlist | Ask/Request |

Hi again anon! Hopefully you're feeling better now, it sucks horribly you had to go through that kind of relationship but at least you are out of it now <3

TW: Violence, blood n murder; the usual for ghosty's tf2 stuff

╔═════════════════╗

Scout

Big brother scout here is to kick ass for his younger sibling 💪💪💪

But honestly he doesn't know what do to, he offers to beat your ex's head in

Look its the scout way of showing his love, he's trying

Asks spy what to do, he doesn't help so he then goes to engie

He gives you some of his food, that being fried chicken of course

Soldier

"NO ONE HURTS A CADET UNDER THE WATCHFUL EYE OF AN AMERICAN SOLDIER"

He bellows down the hall when he sees you crying, look he cares about you. He just inst that bright

Already knows where your ex lives because he kept a close eye on them, more like stalked him but he's just being a good American dad

Beheads your ex and places it on a spike to use as target practice

Throughout the day he brings raccoons into your room, offers you guns and his American blankets

Pyro

>:(

Covers you in all their plushies and blankets, leaving you covered in soft pink balloonicorns and fluffy blankets

They roast marshmallows for you, and gets engineer to help make hot cocoa

They'll creep out of the base and hunt down your ex for hurting you.

Heavy

Russian man rise up 💪

He cooks you a nice traditional Russian soup

Keeps you on the couch and brings all the food to you, keeps scout far from you in this state

Will read some Russian fairy-tales or novels to you, with the lights dim and you covered in blankets

Gives you a giant bear hug

If he comes across your ex he will knock them out and give their body to medic

Engineer

Texan Father mode activated

The moment he finds you crying he is instantly ushering you to his workshop and offering to cook anything you wish.

He'll let you vent to him, but if you need silence he'll just work on his mechanics while in the room with you.

You are his child, no ifs or buts

and no one hurts his kid

but he'd get spy to give him your ex's address

then would absolutely strip your ex's car for bits and pieces, taking the wheels, engine, battery, steering wheel you name it

He'd bring soldier with him for optimal damage

Demoman

Drunk off his head (as usual)

Offers you his scrumpy

look he doesn't know what to do, like scout but he's trying to show you he cares

If you refuse the scrumpy he'd offer you to sit with him and just be in each others presence.

May or may not rig your ex's house with explosives

Medic

Where do they live, whats their phone number, whats their email, whats their blood type who do they live with and are they healthy?

You tell him any of that and he's instantly found your ex, kidnapped them, and while they're alive he takes all their organs and makes it as painful as possible

When you come for medic for some comfort he'll coo, patting your back while offering you a nice warm drink. draping his (CLEAN) lab coat over your back and letting you stay on his chair.

He's not good with comforting, but will let you vent to him and just stay within the med bay

Probably asks heavy to comfort you after a while

Sniper

Scraggly old man

Like most of the other mercs he has no clue how to comfort you during this time

I mean he lives out in his van and rather live in the bush than in a house

He'd take you out into the bush to get away from society, and keeps watch in-case you are anxious about your ex finding you

if you ex was extremely abusive sniper would kill them with no remorse, but ensure the bullet hits them where it would make their death slow and painful.

Spy

Spy comforting? lol no, sorry

He would pat your shoulder awkwardly

When you leave he's already tracked your ex down (not hard since he'd been keeping tabs on them ever since you two got together)

Blackmails your ex into the ground, forces them to make a video apology, give up their belongings and more. He sends the video and all his collected photos and videos of their abuse to your ex's family.

By family i mean everyone who is merely connected with them

Would throw his card at you, telling you nothing as he lets you go crazy with his money

He thinks retail therapy would help

If you thank him for anything he'd wave you off, saying "he deserved it" and lighting another cigarette.

╚═════════════════╝

[misc-obeyme]

Hello! :D

I simply can't stop thinking about Barbatos being insanely attracted and so deeply in love with MC that he don't make the effort to hide it anymore, but the problem is: MC doesn't actually think that he feels that way.

(I'm using female pronouns for better explanation, pardon my english 😔🫶)

Like, MC lives with many ancient and immortal beings who have lived for many many centuries and she is only a human who lived for a few years. In mc's conception, she doesn't see a reason why any of them would be attracted to mc in any way, so she just lives peacefully with them, not really expecting any romantic approach.

Mc and barbatos have a friendship, and mc is attracted to Barbatos (who isn't really?), but doesn't do anything about it. Kinda like the attraction you feel towards your favorite idol, you don't really make a move, but you wish you could get married.

Barbatos notices and kinda feels the same way, sending discreet signals when they were together. He finds it strange, because he sees her obvious interest in him, but doesn't do anything about it.

As time passes, Barbs feelings grow stronger and he grows frustrated and is determined to show MC his interest, his discreet moves now are obvious (only when they were alone bc its barb, cmon). When mc is talking he is just staring at her with such lovestruck eyes, blinking slowly and repliying to her in a flirty way. Mc only grows more and more flustered, not making any moves still.

It gets worse in a degree that once barbatos corners her against a wall and stares deeply at her soul, saying something bluntly urging her to do something since he knew she wasnt oblivious to the situation. Maybe in a teasing way, maybe serious.

I dont know if my ideas came out clear and I honestly think I'm a little lightheaded bc of anti-allergy meds, but this plot has been haunting my mind and I had to tell someone. Stay safe!! 🫶🫶🫶

Hi there, anon! While I'm a little concerned about medications making you lightheaded (like omg please rest and I hope you feel better soon!), I do think I understand what you're trying to say!

Because ahhh Barbatos he's so reserved. When I wrote my long fic, there's kind of a theme where the MC character doesn't believe that Barbatos returns their feelings. It's the cause of much angst and anguish, especially in the later chapters.

I think this is because Barbatos doesn't really express his feelings all that much. He's always calm and collected. He doesn't really get worked up about much of anything. Even when he's mad, it's like hidden behind a smile. The only time we really see him get truly angry is with Solomon in Nightbringer. (I mean there may have been other times but that's the only time I can remember.)

Anyway, I love the idea that he finally picks up on MC's feelings and realizes he has to start being more expressive with his own feelings. I kinda think he might realize that he only has so much time with MC, assuming they're still mortal. Like he's gonna hafta do something because time is short!

I personally am very fond of Barb being a tease, so I like the idea of him kinda teasing MC about it at first. But eventually he's going to get serious. If he thought MC really didn't understand how he feels and wasn't picking up on his teasing and maybe couldn't respond for some reason, he would choose to get serious and direct with them.

So yes, I think this is a delightful scenario and I am always rooting for Barbatos to confess his true love to MC lol!

[daechwitatamic]

Get to Know Me

I was tagged by @sailorsoon @tomodachiii and @eoieopda :)

WHAT'S THE ORIGIN OF YOUR BLOG TITLE?

made back when i considered myself a double-bias for Taehyung and Yoongi, it is half daechwita and half tata mic

FAVORITE FANDOMS?

I'm currently in bts, svt, and skz fandoms

OTP(s)/SHIPNAME?

i don't ship real people but in terms of friendships and dynamics you KNOW i'm insane about vmin and boochan :')

FAVORITE COLOR?

purple!

FAVORITE GAME?

i was heavily into the sims franchise for almost my whole life but my laptop stopped running it so i had to go cold turkey lol also ACNH, all the zelda games, and all the pokemon games

SONG STUCK IN YOUR HEAD?

lol actually it's ultra by skz rn

WEIRDEST HABIT/TRAIT?

i think a lot of things i do are probably weird. the random noises, the patterns and routines, many of my mannerisms, etc.

HOBBIES?

writing, reading, video games, shitty reality tv, puzzles, easy hikes, food and drink for enjoyment!!

IF YOU WORK, WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSION?

i am unfortunately in public education

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WISH, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

an author :/ that was the dream and goal when i went to college

SOMETHING YOU'RE GOOD AT?

writing, sometimes lol i'm also a strong swimmer and i think i have a lot of resilience to push through tough situations

SOMETHING YOU'RE BAD AT?

counting lmao. cooking. cleaning. anything the adhd says we shouldn't do.

SOMETHING YOU LOVE?

coffee :') my spouse. my cats. my couch. mornings where i don't have to go anywhere. traveling. eating good food.

SOMETHING YOU COULD TALK ABOUT FOR HOURS OFF THE CUFF?

certain books/authors, probably. my own misadventures... i've had an interesting life lol

SOMETHING YOU HATE?

my job lmfao

SOMETHING YOU COLLECT?

when i travel new places i like to get a christmas tree ornament to represent that place/trip :)

SOMETHING YOU FORGET?

lmao bestie i have seveeeeeeeere adhd and i am fast and loose with actually taking my meds so i forget every fucking thing.

WHAT'S YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE?

receiving is words of affirmation, giving is time spent

FAVORITE MOVIE/SHOW?

pacific rim and inception are my top two movies lol i'm only a little embarrassed about it. show might be the good place or ted lasso.

FAVORITE FOOD?

i fuck with all foods. i love food. give me any food. i think the only food i actively don't like is coconut and that's just when it's coconuts shavings on top of sweets, if its cooked in a dish we're fine lol

FAVORITE ANIMAL?

idk man cats i guess

ARE YOU MUSICAL?

i actually am very musical. started piano lessons when i was six and stopped when i moved out at eighteen, took vocal lessons on and off in those same years. played oboe with school band from age 10 to 18. played violin 2-3 years with school but couldn't tell you the first thing about it now that i'm grown. i love music, i'm passionate about music.

WHAT WERE YOU LIKE AS A CHILD?

loud and annoying!! also very very smart and very entitled because of it!! :) and that's on undiagnosed neurodivergence!!

FAVORITE SUBJECT AT SCHOOL?

reading and writing, everything else was torture

LEAST FAVORITE SUBJECT?

math in any capacity. i'm very slow at it and i don't remember math facts and formulas well

WHAT'S YOUR BEST CHARACTER TRAIT?

dude idk lol i try to be empathetic and fair and logical?

WHAT'S YOUR WORST CHARACTER TRAIT?

i reject this question on principle because young women spend too long learning to like themselves to them have to sit and yap about what's bad about them go away you're not my therapist and this is not productive!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANY DETAIL OF YOUR DAY RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

the fact that i have to go to work tomorrow :) and i have not had coffee

IF YOU COULD TRAVEL IN TIME, WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET?

Rumi but only if we could also speak to each other and understand so there needs to be a translation clause in with the time travel clause

REC YOUR FAVE FANFICS (SPREAD THE LOVE):

favorite authors are: @sailorsoons (also sailoryooons), @eoieopda, @moni-logues, @kkaetnipjeon, @withleeknow (also jeonqkooks),

@magicshopaholic, @casuallyimagining (also featseungmin), @bookyeom, @sluttywoozi, @ylangelegy (also xinganhao),

and @100vern sorry that you're all alone down here lmao but iirc it will tag everyone if its in batches of 5 by section

TAG OTHERS TO COMPLETE (NO PRESSURE):

anyone who hasn't played yet!!

[idkwhatever580]

Agatha All Along Commentary

⚠️WARNING⚠️ AGATHA ALL ALONG 1x6 SPOILERS AHEAD

you’ve been warned

Im late again guys 😣 alright. Here goes nothing. I’m seriously considering taking my anxiety meds before these episodes because atp that might help.

Started watching at 3:00 pm

I stg I stg I stg I stg if this turns out bad I’m gonna throw up. And that says a lot considering I have emetophobia

Ooh fancy he’s Jewish

I’m not familiar with the Jewish religion but seems pretty cool.

Okay so we have established that this is Billy Kaplan which idk how y’all dug so deep to figure it out but I guess it was common knowledge and I do not have common knowledge so it adds up

Ooh now there’s a party funnn lol

I wish I had parents that were proud of me

Lmaooooo “you’re both disgusting” is so fucking real

4:25

ARIANA WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???

She’s kinda hot guys. I have daddy issues but I’m a lesbian lmaoooo

5:14

WTFFFF I CANT DO THIS SHIT I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS BUT SHES TOTALLY LYING TO HIM IN THIS

5:42

wtf does the tower reversed mean bitch

6:14

Hearing her say baby is so fucking hot I’m gonna nut everywhere

Oh lord guys I seriously have problems… but don’t say you weren’t thinking it too 😏

6:51

WTF IS THAT THING A PROTECTION SPELL OR WHAT?!?!

DID SHE PLACE THE SIGIL?!?!

Omg if she placed the sigil on him that would be insane

7:46

If y’all out there with the theories about Billy maximoff’s soul taking over Billy kaplan’s body im kms because that’s so valid

——id like to let y’all know that I know nothing about the marvel comics and I do not intend on learning or digging that deep kk? I also don’t know what Wiccan is but I guess it’s Billy maximoff? Not looking for someone to explain it tho lol——

IM SCARED J DONT WANNA SEE MY BABY

NO WANDA NO WANDA I DIDNT NEED TO HEAR HER VOICE

8:34

Holy shit.

8:39

Watching it disappear is so sad. Like I know she’s hurting and saving the rest of them

9:00

OH MY GOD THE PARENTS STAYED ALIVE I THOUGHT YALL SAID THEY ALL DIED OR LIKE TWO DEATHS

9:33

NO FUCKING WAY THIS SHIT IS ACTUALLY TRUE

Y’all playing too hard

9:52

No fucking way. I’m actually so done right now. I’m so fucking done I need to scream at someone and it needs to be the fucking producer

10:15

That must be so fucking scary to go to “sleep” as Billy Maximoff and wake up in someone else’s body. Like in Disney shows when they switch and shit they have a moment where they look in the mirror and scream but this is def more realistic

Also I thought someone said there were two deaths. I don’t see no dead people up in this bitch

10:55

wtf is this?? inside out?

11:06

Noooohohohoooooo I forgot that Billy M can mind read and shit

12:33

That dog knows

Why is it always the dog that knows?

13:44

Having to call her mom must have sucked balls

15:22

Damn he already trying to fit the part bro. Moving on too damn fast

Him and his mom with the lying bro ✋🙄

Stop I sound like Agatha 😭

16:02

SHE DID PLACE THE SIGIL ON HIM WTFFFF

16:26

Okay I see you little emo gay kid having more piercings than me and having kissed more people than me and I’m older than you 🙄

17:26

Damn that’s crazy. He actually is telling this dude his shit

18:40

Damn that’s so fucking crazy his smile is creeping me out bro

Also I totally knew little Billy M was meant to be a little gay baby

19:24

Damnit all of these hoes have connection with him. Of some kind

19:57

You found a guy on Reddit. And you’re meeting him? That sounds like you’re getting killed.

OMG WHO IS IT TELL ME WHO IT IS

ITS RALPH NO ITS RALPH POOR RANDALL SORRY RANDALL ITS JUST WE KNOW YOU AS RALPH

21:06

Damn he went kinda crazy from being with Agatha all that time huh? That means the only one that can handle her is rioooooo

21:42

Don’t take my wife’s name in vain hoe

lol I’m kidding

I also apparently have multiple wives

Lmaoooo please ask about Agatha harkness

24:06

YOU FUCKING MURDERED SPARKY I WILL NEVER EVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS I DONT CARE IF SHE MADE YOU DO THAT SHIT I HATE YOU

24:19

Omg I can’t do this shit

Does this mean that Tommy is also in someone’s body?

25:27

I seriously do wanna know what kind of crazy that lady eats for breakfast. And I hope it’s me 😏

26:24

Yeaaaahhhh this song eats me up.

27:20

HOHOHOHHHHH THAT PICTURE IS THE IMAGE OF A FA- a gay woman. A gay witchy woman…. ����

27:36

OH YEAH THEY BROUGHT MY GIRL DOLLY INTO IT

DOLLY PARTON FOR PRESIDENT 2024

Ahem… excuse my political views ✋😭

28:20

Omg omg omg he’s going on the road to find Tommy I’m gonna cryyyyy

29:43

Oh he’s so emo with his eyeliner and his black heart boyfriend and his belt chain and his witchy witchyness

…okay maybe im jealous

29:55

Ugh mommy. They’re both so hot. I know we only see Agatha in this part but I’ll nut to the thought of Aubrey Plaza

30:06

You’re seriously using a fucking house lamp you idiot ✋😭

30:29

You tell me to stop I’ll do it mommy

OH LAWD I HAVE ISSUES

I have to shit bro 😭

31:07

Hooligan is so fucking funny 😭

31:33

Guys I’m nutting everywhere from her sitting like that she’s soooo gayyyyyy

The producer really said “gay” and Kathryn Hahn said “yes”

32:16

I think if I was in that situation as teen, I’d say I want to. I want to poke that damn bear and see if she’ll throw me on the desk and- oh. Right right. Not the point ✋😭😏

I ALSO JUST REALIZED THAT SHE IS WEARING A SHIRT THAT IS RALPHS RANDALLS? Idk anymore bro

32:59

Wait… this is so fucking funny bro 😭😭😭

33:45

OMG SHES LIKE IN THE INTERROGATION TABLE AND ITS ACTUALLY HER HOUSE BRO

I NEVER MADE THAT CONNECTION 😭😭😭

34:21

HOT HOOOTTTTT SHES SO HOT RIPPING THAT TAPE IS SO HOT

34:28

THATS SO FUCKING FUNNY BRO

34:46

Hold on these side swipe things are going too fast I’m so lost. 😭 I hate having a horrible memory that makes me not be able to remember every single detail when we’re going back to something from a different pov

35:10

STFU SHE COULDNT HEAR EITHER TIME AND BOTH TIMES HE SAID SOMETHING DIFFERENT I WONDER WHAT HE SAID ON THE ROAD WITH THE OTHER WITCHES

35:19

YEEESSSSS IM SK GLAD WERE BACK TO THE ROAD

35:28

Yes! Pull yourself out of that mystery goop!!!

36:11

FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU DONT BREAK THE SIGIL PIECE FUCK YOU

37:53

Wait. I am so gullible I like her being nice bro ✋😭

38:00

COVERED IN MYSTERIOUS ROAD GOOP OR NOT THAT POSE IS FUCKIGN HOT

38:09

I can��t tell if she’s crying because she’s happy the SIGIL is broken and she’s right or if she’s crying because she actually liked the kid

38:33

FUCK SHES BEING EVIL AGAIN I NEED A GOOD AGATHA AND I KNOW IM NOT GETTING THAT BUT A GIRL CAN DREAM

38:45

I’ll kill someone for you Agatha

39:05

Wait when she’s like don’t feel guilty about your talent I feel like she’s trying to be evil but it’s kind of endearing. Like. Shes so strong about it which means so many witches have felt guilty about their talents before and she doesn’t want that to hinder him. Even if she is evil that’s pretty sweet.

39:53

OH FUCK YOU BITCH KYS KYS HAHA THATS WHY YOU CANT USE YOUR POWERS BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO BE GOOD GOOD NOT DECENT GOOD

40:43

Stfu Agatha. Don’t mess with our bitch.

Robo papa? BAHAHAHAHAHAAA

she knowsssss

41:34

BAHAHAHHAAHAAAAA

42:02

“Got it” not her being serious for once ✋😭

42:25

DONT I KNOW IT BITCH YOU DIDNT HAVE TO TELL ME IM WATXHING YOU LITTLE MAXIMOFF BITCH

Post watching notes:

I seriously needed some Agathario shit and I didn’t get that and I’m mad. IM SO MAD THAT THE INTIMACY COORDINATOR WAS FOR TEO LITTLE BOYS I NEEDED MY MIDDLE AGE WOMEN TO MAKE TF OUT THEY ARE TEASING ME 😖😖😖

[sir-arlieosaurus-lung-struggler]

the holidays are always really fucking weird, i dont like many of them but specifically December is just- ew

Anyway ill just thro my mini pitty party real quick:

These song explains how I feel about christmas time *perfectly*

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas by mother mother (christmas playlist)

From heres basically a trauma dump about being in the hospital, but i typically talk about this in a tone more like "oh yea! i nearly died lmao"

When i was like, just turning 6 I had 💫pneumonia💫 & needed to go to the 💫hospital💫. So I spent like, 12/11-31/15 in the hospital. along the way i had these treats happen (not really in order, 💜=story from family member, ❤=i actually remember this)

💜being diagnosed by my sisters 16 yo boyfriend by looking at my gums, whereas medical staff took 4 days

❤Some mcdonalds, cool auntys banana bread, jello & making popin cookin sets w/ my older sister

💜a 5 day medically induced coma

lung surgery therefor cool fuckin scars on my back (WHICH I CANT FUCKING SHOW ANYONE CAUSE I WAS CURSED W/ TITS AND 2/3 ARE UNDER MY BRA)

💜waking up from said coma periodically only to say "im scared" w/ my mom trying to comfort me but i had ear shit going on

💜Finnaly actually woke up, yelled "IM DEAD", which is reportadly the scariest shit my dad has ever heard, my mom asks if i hurt, i say yes, she like "ur not dead honey" again i was 6 & in & out of a coma 😂 (idk why but I've always found that story funny)

💜my parents being thretened w/ truancy by my dumbass school

❤Christmas, I had *2* mini christmas trees in my hospital room 💅 1 was cool but my cool uncle & aunty got me a pink 1 which I still have to this day as a lamp

💜only trusting 1 of my doctors cause he looked like my grandfather who'd been deceased for 2years at that point

❤💜going on walks around the kids floor in a wheelchair & stealing a little gingerbread beanie baby ornament but they didnt care so they just let me keep it & i still have it somehwere.

💜my mom met a lady who had a son who was a few months old & they didnt expect to live past a couple weeks but he *did* (more on that later)

💜had food in the cafeteria and i proceeded to rub the pizza i got *into my hair*. My response? "Its just cheese" my family and I quote that to this day lmao.

💜being reverted to a toddler for a good minute (someone asked my age i said i was 3, i was not) & needing to relearn walking, talking, the little bit of reading i knew & getting into a shower w/out being scared of being pulled down the drain

❤said dude who asked my age worked at the hospital cafeteria & we visited him after most of my appointments. miss u uncle (that was what he went by), wish u well. Dont know where he since covid cause the part of the building cafeteria was in was torn down.

❤and after all that later and i got releaced on new years eve :>

results:

From there forward i had a 20-30minute nebulizer to do every 4 hours (which my parents had to wake up at like 2am for a half hour for), 2 twice daily inhailers, 2 nasil sprays, "the tire" (tastes like shit and makes me feel anxious) (that isnt even all of it my mom counted 8 meds at one point) and i slowly dropped them year by year till they had me down to just rescue inhailer as needed & if my lungs r really shit for a min i go on the tire. (Tire=prednisolone but what 6 year old is remembering that name lol)

specialist appointments every week, then 2 weeks, then every month, 3 months, 6 months, now im at checkup every year and check in as needed

"Look whos inside again" by bo burnham is my life in a nutshell

To this day the smell of a consentrated area of hand sanatizer just has me stop in my tracks lol.

seeing a picture of tiny me on my parents facebook feed yearly of me unconscious in a hospital bed w/ tubes in mah face

couple of close friend i met post hospital (keep in mind i was like 7) didn't believe me so i ran around the playground cursing them the fuck out (never did get in trouble for that 😂) ((I still talk to 1 of them shes cool))

Idk where to put this but about that kid I was talking about before, I found out last year around this time he had just died- of 💫pneumonia💫. yea that fucked me up for a good minute, he was around 6 too which didn't help, I never even met the kid and I still had a weird form of survivors guilt.

Anyway have a merry fucking christmas i really dont get this holiday lol, treat yourself kindly, feel free to be the grinch you are and explain in detail why u hate the holidays u arent alone lol

[jellyjamoh]

06/09/24

Halfway through the year, here are the bookish photo that I have took each month.

January

PLACE:

-The photo was taken at the National Library in Kalaw, Manila. T'was a typical sunny day and since I had nothing important to do, I went out to read. Twas my first time visiting the place and its nice (as in neat, orderly, and quiet). It kinda gives you a CCP vibe when you're in the vicinity. It's a perfect spot for a dorky person like me. Aside from outlets they also offer free services like wifi. The library is very accessible and highly recommended. :>

BOOK: Leota's Garden by Francine Rivers

-It is a series and I got curious the moment I saw the book. The summary defined an old garden that used to be beautiful and astonishing and Leota (the main character made some reconstruction). I picked it personally just so I could read something new. It is not my go-to novel and something that I'd choose to read on a normal day. Hence, I still bought it. Not expecting it to be a drama-heavy story. Though the author ended it beautifully. I would give it a 3/5 star rating then.

By the way, I bought the book in Booksale SM North the Block. The cute bookmark was purchased in Fullybooked Greenbelt. :>

February

PLACE:

-Photo taken while I was traveling on my way home. We were passing through SCTEX at that exact moment (if I am not mistaken). It was a fine day to read a book. The weather was partially cloudy and I was seated in a relaxing spot on the bus (luckily) where I got a glimpse of nature's wonders. The clouds looked like meatballs. (cloudy with a chance of meatballs) lol

BOOK: Henry V by William Shakespeare

-I bought this book in the National Bookstore Puerto Princesa City Palawan. I was accompanied by my friend Rj when I decided to buy it. That moment I couldn't wait any longer. I already had in mind to visit my Grandfather in the cemetery because I missed him with my entire being. Normally, it would take 3-4 hours of ride to get there from the City. I just couldn't travel without a handy book to keep me sane.

-I adore Shakespeare and his creations. I wouldn't elaborate any further on why I wanted to read his writings. He is very unique, gifted, and has a brilliant mind. He's a good companion I would say. I'll give this book a 5/5 star rating :>

March

PLACE:

-Brought a token of appreciation to a friend of mine. T'was an advance birthday card and I gave it to him because we only get to catch up once every two years. I hadn't even greeted him for more than 3 years already. I was alone when I took the photo and spent the remaining time of my staycation reading instead of watching a film. Mainly because I was so obsessed with this book.

BOOK: Surgery Platinum by Doc Ron Baticulon (lods) and a lot more

-Good heavens know how much I'm dying to read this. I wished summer of 2023 to own a copy of this edition. Unknowingly there's an available epub on the internet. It just took me some time to discover though. The moment I realized it, I downloaded a copy right away. ofc. :>

What do you like most about the book?

Amongst the 6 books that I've read, this is actually the top tier. To be honest I didn't plan on splurging with novels. I was supposed to be studying starting last year. I still have pending neuro journals on my lappy and they're scheduled to be read during my past time. I just stopped studying med-related stuff because as we all know Tanchi has willfully prevented me from studying my premed course. (which sucks. I know he sucks!)

-On the other hand, I am not yet through reading this. But so far, I can't express how happy I am every time I dive into it. The most interesting part for me was Chapter 3 I guess. The Medical Aspect of Surgery. Learning about different levels of transfusion reactions was cute (mild, moderately severe, and life-threatening). I also find the pre-op use of anti-coagulants interesting. It is so informative and a meticulous surgical technique nothing like I've heard before. Indeed, it is a 5/5 star rating for me. <3 <3 <3

April

PLACE:

-Photo taken in my room. :>

It was so random that I picked this book. I was waiting for the bus to arrive cos I just booked a ticket going to Occidental Mindoro at that moment. T'was my first time traveling to Mimaropa alone. (like alone alone) Such a fun-filled experience and I enjoyed reading a few pages on the ship.

BOOK: Extra Virgin Amongst The Olive Groves of Liguria by Annie Hawes

-I bought this in booksale Paranaque Bus Terminal. A novel like no other. When all you have in mind is a good trip and a total vacation experience, you might also pick something like this randomly. I loved Italian cuisine even when I was younger. Maybe, that's the sole reason why I find it interesting. I'll give this book a 3/5 star rating.

May

PLACE:

Bought matcha tea latte at a doughnut store just to get a decent photo of this book (for bookstagram purposes only). :> I thrifted 3 books this day too. I went out actually to set an appointment at a clinic.

BOOK: His Last Bow Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle

The book was purchased at Bonifacio Global City National Bookstore. I stayed there after my shift and bought it spontaneously. I spent the whole day at McKinley because I was contemplating whether I should or should not continue working in our company. lol I just had the worst shift that night and I almost wanted to give up.

I couldn't make more comments about Arthur Conan Doyle. He is wonderful. I am touched by a certain chapter though and I think it is edifying. Watson is a very caring person and Sherlock wouldn't be Sherlock without him I'd say. It's a 5/5 book star rating for me.

June

PLACE: Starbucks Cybergate

This has been my go-to study space. I think next to our office it has become my 2nd comfy spot in Araneta. I always buy matcha and or chai here before I start working. I've already read a lot of books here too. It is quite a memorable place for me. This night however was different. I waited for a friend while reading and we spent time catching up afterwards.

BOOK: Circles of Seven by Bryan Davis

Last year there was a book fair in SMEX Convention where I purchased this current read. :> It was a birthday present for myself. Couldn't rate it yet. I'd have to finish it first.

[maschotch]

hello I've been an on-and-off CM enjoyer(?) for a decade, with Hotch being my main area of interest… I just spent literal hours going through your blog lol. tbh it was exactly the kind of CM content I desperately wanted but had trouble finding initially (jfc the sea of x reader I had to wade through) anyway I stopped watching full eps at around S5, but I'm aware of how things go for Hotch and I'm v bitter about the missed opportunities. maybe a popular opinion in the fandom, but I've always hated how the Foyet attack was glossed over for example - my disbelief when I first watched 5x02 and Hotch just... shows up to work?? why'd they bother with such a major injury if its consequences were limited to one (1) episode years later, and even then the mental trauma was 99% ignored. no mention of meds/painkillers/recovery? nothing about "your scars are gonna look just the same"?? BUT that almost pales in comparison to all the other Hotchner things you got me thinking about, like his subtle aversion to fire or autistic traits or other facets of his character/relationships that are soooo tantalizingly hinted at but not expanded upon. I don't know the whole show that well so idk how Hotch fared compared to other characters but it felt like we got crumbs, especially since he was there for 11 goddamn seasons sorry this is so long but I've never talked CM to anyone before and you've made me love Hotch even more as a character, and now I'll have to further stew in my despair over him getting zero closure

i have similar issues with the show and fandom. the show looooves to traumatize its characters and then pretend it didnt even happen the second the arc is over. i understand its the nature of an episodic show like this (and i love that style for this show! i do!) but they could MENTION how hotch has scars (especially in season 10 when theyre all comparing scars on the plane) or how he needs medication (considering thats the only reason why they found foyet in the first place). foyet was the first big arc, so i understand why they needed to get on with it and bring hotch back to work by 5x02, but i wish they’d had an extra episode in between dealing with the team’s emotions about their leader being attacked (the way we kinda see them reeling from haley’s death and the potential of hotch not returning in 5x11 (or whatever the next ep after 100 is)).

no matter who your favorite cm character is, anyone can have the same complaint of them not following through about what undergoing these kind of traumatic events would mean for the characters. it’s definitely a sore point with criminal minds. especially because the only time they do it is when they want a character to leave (like gideon, blake, and kate). it fucking sucks bc there’s so much potential

and that’s where i feel like the fandom lets me down too. there’s not a lot of talk about it—mostly it’s just self inserts and shipping. there’s hardly any good character analysis out there, but that’s why i started this blog in the first place: if it doesn’t exist, make it yourself! (i would encourage you to do the same if you still feel this way. i talk shit ab the fandom all day but i still get so much positivity despite that from people who value the characters just as much but express it differently)

sorry for getting to this ask so late! maybe you’ll come across it eventually. if you do, let me know your other thoughts on the show/fandom! if youve seen more, if youve interacted more, or if you just have more to say!

[scalamore]

[Psychoanalysis/Spoilers Pt 1] Lari's trauma/healing

What I particularly like about this series, where it stands out, is its portrayal of trauma and PTSD. It's never stated that lari has PTSD, but given her panic and anxiety when she thinks back to TL1, we can assume she has it. PTSD is just one of the manifestations of trauma, and can come in mild-severe forms. No matter the causative event, the process of healing from it is fundamentally the same: Those affected individuals need to be exposed, to some degree, to the event/cause that caused the trauma, to accept it, to overcome it, in order to take control of their own life/narrative. In modern day medicine, there's two main aspects to treatment: either with therapy and/or meds: Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a talking therapy that can help you manage your problems by changing the way you think and behave Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) is a type of talking therapy. It's based on cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), but it's specially adapted for people who feel emotions very intensely. The aim of DBT is to help you: Understand and accept your difficult feelings and learn skills to manage them. + medication. But it's not sexy to read on how a person needs meds in a rofan novel lol. ANYWAYS. The point of CBT/DBT is simply to reframe the person's way of thinking. The person is completely valid in hating/fearing that event that is so triggering to them, HOWEVER, some people DO want to move on and move forward. Some people prefer to stay depressed and wallow in despair. But these are tools to help a person move on, if they wish. Breaking it down, Lari's source of trauma is the end of TL1: She 100% believes that Rupert is a maniac that completely, unnecessarily and violently killed her and her entire family. She spent the last few months of her life in jail, reliving their deaths over and over and being in complete despair. A huge barrier to Lari's healing, is that she has no one to talk to about TL1. She tried to tell her family, they said they believed her, but she knows they actually don't. She cant tell this to Riche or Aunt Amelia. At first, she wanted to keep it an absolute secret from Rupert's group, but at some point she wanted to tell him - but ultimately decided against it because she felt it was just useless information to him. So Lari unhealthily decides to cope but keeping it bottled in and dealing with it by herself, which causes so many conflicts in the main story. She also knows her family is suspicious, but she literally has no one else to trust. So she erroneously CHOOSES to trust in the wrong people, because she cling to what she was the truth - that her family loved her as much as she loved them, and would never to lie.

Her unhealthy coping habits is another post: She doesn’t fear the Rupert she knows and cares about from TL2, she fears the Rupert who could change at any time into someone she doesn’t know- Rupert from TL1. They are fundamentally the same person, yet so different at the same time. All she knows is he turned into a mass murderer at age 18, she knew nothing of his life or circumstances. she needs to be prepared just in case something happens when he is 19 that triggers this change. He’s 17-18 right now in the manhwa (ch 96)

But in terms of healing, ironically, Rupert is the key. By spending so much time with him, talking with him, and understanding and learning his true nature/personality, and how he won't harm her - she learns to question the past and move on - this literally describes CBT/DBT therapy.

Ultimately, Lari learns that her assumptions about TL1 Rupert were completely wrong, unjustified, and she was just blindly blaming him for everything without understanding anything - and this led to her blaming TL2 Rupert, who was completely innocent this whole time. It's HER who had issues, not him.

It's definitely a wake up call for her. This literally takes her the whole series - it is excruciatingly slow but steady process.

The more Rupert gets used to her and opens up, treating her kindly, the more Lari feels safe and does the same. The Lari who just regressed was completely murderous and wanted to kill him, who emanated fear and hatred at age 12, now sympathizes with him and wishes for his happiness at age 16. Her heart may have softened to him, but her brain still hasn't. She may trust him, but not completely.. There still remains that small part of her that can't truly trust Rupert, for fear that he'll flip a switch and turn into a tyrant - and that is the core of the climatic event. By this time, by seeing Rupert's actions, it is completely obvious how he loves and prioritizes her so much, and will do anything for her. Let alone kill her, he won't even let a fingernail get hurt. Lari knows this. But that seed of doubt in her heart still remains even until the end - What if he changes at the last minute? She spent so much time thinking about the Rupert in TL1, and could' figure it out why he turned out that way, if she's always seen the kind Rupert of TL2 (she doesn't know about Tory/Eva's manipulation). And because she chooses to keep her death and TL1 a secret until the end, it's what causes things to escalate that much in Vol 5. Given how Rupert responded to the truth, that whole climatic event could have been avoided if only Lari had told him the truth before it was too late. But this is the dramatic key event of the series, so of course it is unavoidable, but it is also important in that now that the truth is out, Lari has nothing left to hide, and FINALLY she can properly heal. There is no more secrets, no more need of appearances. She has nothing left to hide from Rupert - but it still takes a while to heal - another year in fact. After that, she's too afraid to face Rupert, not because of her worries that he'll hurt her, but rather because she's the one that hurt HIM because of her lies and deception. It does take some time, but eventually, Rupert is able to melt her heart and she opens up to him, finally having that face to face, heart to heart conversation about what she experienced in TL1. And that is what allows Lari to finally move on from her past. In summary: - Rupert is the key for her to move on from her PTSD - It took 6 years of constant interacting with Rupert for her to heal - The more she spoke to Rupert, the better her understanding of him, learning that he cares for her and wants her safe and happy, allows her to clearly separate Rupert from TL1 and TL2 - By understanding that he will never harm her, or her family no matter what, that he won't change suddenly, by him proving to her how much he cherishes her, and even him begging her to continue to live - makes her finally open her eyes to her new reality of TL2, that TL1 is in the past and she can't dwell on it anymore. She has to move forward. - it is very much a slow, steady active process; I would consider it active because she’s aware of her contradictory thoughts, of how she’s aware that TL1 and TL2 Rupert are different, but it isn’t u til the big event happens that finally slaps her to reality and forces her to accept the truth.

Some readers may complain saying that Lari’s path of healing is too slow, not active enough, she’s not putting enough effort in - I would say that each person’s journey of healing is different. Some needs more intense therapy, some need less. Some need more time, some need less. Some want to treat their trauma right away, some needs time to come out of their shell and begin treatment.

Within the limitations of the genre, I think Laris healing is reasonable - her daily interactions with Rupert, especially after he becomes crown prince, gives her daily reassurance that things will be ok, that she is safe now, that now she can stop obsessing over the past and think of her future - and once she and Rupert finally have a true heart to heart things improve much more and I think that’s wonderful :).

not to mention, it’s just not Lari’s priority to get over TL1 during most of the series. She can’t move on, she has to stay guard until the events of Vol 5. Luckily for her, the healing process had already started a long time ago :)

[catastrothy]

here is a little chronicle of my sickness journey btw. bc i feel like i need to write this down because its been hilariously awful lol

warning 4 gross stuff, oversharing, and me bitching, unsurprisingly

back in early august i got sick with what i thought was a cold. basic symptoms, fever, achiness, runny nose, etc. things are relatively normal at first, i've gotten sick dozens of times because i'm particularly prone to sinus and ear infections so i brushed it off

And Then The Hives Began.

all over my limbs and very rarely on my torso and neck. even had one on my face. at one point my throat got very itchy and i had a panic attack thinking i would get anaphylaxis for the first time in my life. thankfully i took a shitton of claritin + pepcid + benedryl and it kicked in fast enough that i was okay

i go to the local urgent care. the doctor is amazing and gives a shit and prescribes me some steroids + recommends i keep taking what i've been taking. tells me to follow up with my primary doctor and to come back if things get worse.

Things Continue To Get Worse.

i go to my primary doctor. she is not very helpful. i've been thinking of switching providers anyway because i'm moving and this has kind of solidified this decision because i'm told "well that's weird! just uhh. keep taking your antihistamines and don't go out in public. good luck :)" the only thing is its been a hot minute since i switched providers and i dont really remember what the process is like and i will inevitably get social anxiety about it.

this continues for a while. i'm managing, i feel like shit. but i am managing. now here comes the really gross part. this morning (9/15/23) i am chilling on my computer. i go to scratch my stomach, only to find... there is crust. around my belly button. why is my belly button so crusty? what? it turns out there is discharge of some sort coming from there. why? who knows! it's not too painful but between the fact my fever is now higher than it's ever been (although still a low grade one) and i have this unexplained discharge it throws me into one of the worst panic attacks i've had in a while. all the worst case scenarios (sepsis, my second greatest phobia besides anaphylaxis) are running through my head but i remind myself every time i've thought shit was mega fucked it turned out okay. mira also helps comfort me and im able to collect myself and go to the urgent care (again). also on top of this i have like 3 cold sores and my period going at the same time so i am extra suffering!!!!!!!!!!

the doctor there is again really understanding and wonderful. i love this woman. she tests me for flu, covid, strep, and mono. she says she tests for mono specifically because a lot of other doctors miss it and make patients suffer for no reason. all tests come back negative thankfully (or maybe unthankfully... because we still dont know what the fuck i got). she puts me on like 5 new different meds (antiviral, antibiotic, steroid, nausea meds, and an antifungal to help if i get a yeast infection while on the antibiotic). at this point i am genuinely wishing i could make this lady my primary doctor but alas, 'tis not to be.

i am now given 1 shot each of antibiotic and steroid. one in each butt cheek. my ass hurts so badly. sitting is vaguely uncomfortable.

i am given some gauze and also told to buy dial soap for the belly button infection. i go home and lay on the couch. and thus this is where we are now

also my electric company charged me like $200 for electricity which we do not have atm so thats a cool cherry on top

anyway moral of the story is that my immune system is garbage and i wish it attacked the virus instead of me <3

[filthforfriends]

I randomly woke up at 4:50 am today and my first thought was to check my notifications to see if you posted DILFIANO. You did 🫶🙌 praise the lord (and by lord I mean Thomas‘s solo and you) For the first time you left me actually speechless. You know me by now… you know I like to write long, slightly annoying messages every time you update a fic. This chapter awoke something in me and I don’t know how to feel about it 😂 Normally with GA and your other fics I imagine y/n as a character. In dilfiano I am y/n I just feel this story so much it’s crazy. I‘m gonna be 24 in a couple months but it makes me feel immature lol. I want y/n to make him jealous, make him loose his shit, hurt him and make him suffer, just because that grown man with his stupid morality won’t fuck her. (And it feels hella personal for some reason…I have never even had a similar situation…. It’s probably just the daddy issues haha) All my emotional intelligence goes out the door when I read this. I feel crazy but I love it. I feel like this is what great art should achieve. Make you really deeply feel something and maybe even make you learn or accept something about yourself. So thank you for your art ❤️

Remember when I said I was speechless and couldn’t say anything? That got out of hand haha Love you always 🫶 thank you and have an awesome day/week/year/life ❤️

warmest wishes and kindest regards

💧

Dearest teardrop, I am experiencing one of those days where it feels like I haven't taken my meds even though I definitely have so I can't figure out how to respond to such a lovely and thoughtful critique. I'm so glad you're enjoying DILFiano and that its doing what it was meant for, which is make people reexamine their own expertness

[mothusband]

vent/rant

realizing im never going to fulfill my dreams for my life as a teenager sucks so bad. i really thought i had it so clear cut. my dream was to become a wildlife biologist, or a park ranger or just SOMETHING i could do to be out in nature and with animals. but for years i was always told by my own family that i was setting my standards too high, only rich kids get to do things like that, you have to be smart to do that. i've been called dumb so much ive accepted it as reality. ive tried to tone down my dreams to something more realistic, wanting to be a vet tech, but i dont feel like thats going to happen either. i wish i could say in spite of chronic illness i would follow my original dream to do something involving spending time in nature, but im applying for ssi right now because i dont think any of my dreams will come true. ill be lucky if i can get my own trailer and move into my backyard at this point, because i sure cant hold down a job. its just so disheartening. i was set up for failure by being put in homeschool. this summer im going to apply to a school where i can finish my high school education, which ive wanted to do for years, but i still dont feel like thats gonna get me anywhere, its mostly just for myself. hopefully the ssi thing works out so i can get my own trailer house. thats the main dream right now. but i just think about my original dreams and want to cry for my teenage self because i feel like im failing them. even this time last year i thought i was going to be an au pair (then again i was on new meds and having a hypomanic episode lol) but then my dog died and i got my other pets to fill the void in my heart and now thats no longer an option if i even wanted to. gonna wrap this up now but i just needed to get my feelings out.

tl;dr: fuck my stupid baka life

[minnieposting]

yesterday got some sort of epiphany that like sunday my ass has been in a cage basically forever. in the sense that my ocd makes me so ashamed of myself, that its been forever since ive just Been. i was remembering when i was still a kid, at the peak of my vocaloid hyperfixation (possible special interest for the longest time, its died down tho. rip, but also, the essence of what i loved abt vocaloid is smth i carry with me my entire life) , i was just dancing!! SO HARD! to my favorite kaito songs. dancing for so long and not caring just absolutely feeling myself and i remember being so happy. its just one memory but that's what i miss the most about being small. i wasn't as Aware. im so hyperaware of everything and so anxious and paranoid about an invisible audience coming to strike me down when i do smth that's supposed to make me happy because how COULD i be happy how DARE i be happy when im such an evil person, such a gross person, yada yada. ive always wanted to sing, and everyday i feel like i come closer to fully belting out a song one day but i rlly just cant bring myself to and i don't even know why. im scared it'll be bad, scared being a bad singer is somehow a reflection of my morals???this is where all the similar rumination spirals come where its like omg how could i think i could freely do this when THE WORLD IS FALLING APART just. all that stupid ocd stuff. my point of this random reflection post tho. is that . my brain rlly has caged me for so long. and i can recognize this now, but i feel like im always recognizing the ways ive been caging myself. its like no matter what direction i go in, im met with the same roadblocks. the fuck do i do ??????

not sure if ive even explained myself properly but. well, >I< know what i mean lol. obviously sunday and i are very different people. but i just remember thinking that "oh my god. im exactly like sunday" in the car and went on an entire self introspection journey. but here's where the wallowing ends! sunday is working on himself, working on his freedom! in that sense, he reminds me a lot of why i love mayoi so much, at least one of the reasons. with mayoi, i watched him grow when i was so much worse than i am now, when i barely knew how much ocd had impacted my life. seeing mayoi learn that no he isnt a horrible person he's just a person was really comforting. and now that im not rlly into enstars anymore,,, i guess its kinda like mayoi "passing the torch" onto sunday lol. i do rlly value these charas so much and i wish i can just UNDERSTAND that I AM A PERSON TOO. i can be free too. but even when i feel so okay. i just get back in the cycle.

...in other words, im getting back on my meds tomorrow

[spoonieboy]

cw: mental hospital, mistreatment, brief suicide mention

every once in awhile i think about when i was in the grippy sock center. they gave me prozac one of the mornings and by the time we went out to the courtyard, it was already impacting me. I looked up at the 3 story roofline, spotted an access door i hadn't noticed before, and immediately caught myself wondering how to get up there so i could jump. this was a new feeling, tho the nuance is hard to describe. i also had a sudden increase in agitation and couldn't control myself. didn't help that they sent a girl home who explicitly told us she wasn't ready & she'd end it if they sent her back. and they still sent her home. I couldn't contain my anger and went to the bedroom, flipped the mattress against the wall, and beat it until i was a sobbing mess on the bare bed frame.

my 'tantrum' earned me a visit with the head doc to discuss my behavior. I told them I couldn't take it again tomorrow, that i hated how i felt and they told me that that was impossible - that it was all in my head. (to a fucking mental health patient!!!) 💀 So i tried to explain that i metabolize meds faster than most but she cut me off, told me i was lying, and that i couldn't POSSIBLY feel the effects of the meds for at least 2 weeks. i tried to have calm words but had a meltdown instead. i don't remeber what happened afterwards.

next morning, i flat out refused the meds. luckily it was my favorite nurse and when she pushed a lil to try and encourage me to take it, i broke down crying, told her what happened, and she stopped. She took the meds back and seemingly had words with the prescribing doc bc i had a new med to try a short while later in the day.

lo & behold, i have eds! meds process Hella fast for me. its almost like thats a thing! 🤔 surprise, surprise!

i just wanna go back & give that lady a proper bitch slap and a stern talking to, frankly. i cannot fathom how someone so rude & callous was supposed to be in charge of all these broken kids. i, at 14, voluntarily checked myself into a mental hospital because i was ready to end my life. thats not the sort of situation where you talk down to, insult, and berate someone!! you treat them with gentle compassion and kindness! like they fucking need!!!!!

ugh.

the only things i'm grateful for in that time were the two therapy dogs, occupational therapy, art therapy, the math teacher who was so kind, gentle, and understanding - and the fact that they ended up taking 12 vials of blood to discover that my entire ass thyroid had completely dumped itself. i ended up needing levo for 2 years afterwards.

abt that math teacher, i was so defensive bc i was really struggling with math at the time and had never been treated at my own pace before, but this guy was nothing but sweet, patient, and encouraging. he didn't make fun of me for what i didn't know, didn't pressure me to go faster, just celebrated what i did manage to accomplish and gently helped me through the items i was struggling with. when i couldn't bring myself to do the math, he let me tidy up & organize his classroom, which was relaxing for me. that guy was a Prime example of the type of person who should be working there. math, in that short time, became somewhere i wanted to linger rather than run from because i felt safe there. thank you, mr. math teach. i wish i remembered your name. i appreciate you more than you know.

anyways, if you've read this far, why? honestly? lol. but idk, thank you for letting me share. writing this down helped me let go of some of those angry feelings i've been holding onto about it.

if you need to go to a mental hospital in VA, try to avoid the richmond one 💀 thats all i'll say.