#i wish i could take it down without doxing myself. why are you like this youtube report system.

[sincerely-sofie]

It's real fun watching stolen content get better engagement than any of my YouTube videos have ever gotten. Really. Real fun. I'm not bitter.

[alittledizzy]

i liked your dnp stuff but the fact that you still feel comfortable posting dnf is actually insane. regardless of the details of the situation why would you even want to think about those men they're such creeps.

I'm happy to hear you liked my Dan and Phil stuff!

Unfortunately I think we're just going to disagree on the rest of your message. The fact that you think they're creeps indicates to me that you're being very truthful and you don't care to look into the details of anything, which we differ on. The details of the situation are actually very important to me, and not at all something I want to disregard.

Here's a fun detail: did you know the campaign against Dream, the root of all of this public opinion about him, started on Kiwi Farms? I'm not going to link it because it's a vile site, but if you've never heard of it you can google for verification. It's an alt right hotbed where the users orchestrate mass harassment and doxxing of anyone they don't like. This is not an insubstantial fan defense of Dream - like I said, you can literally google it. You can look at the thread on him, the over five hundred pages of it. You can see them planning how they'll take him down and spread the lies/rumors.

Can you guess why they might not like an openly queer, neurodivergent content creator in the gaming space? Their actual goal was to try and see if they could get him to kill himself. They set out to start enough rumors that would go mainstream and spread enough about him (doxxing him, his family, etc) and it worked, to an extent. He didn't kill himself, but they absolutely succeeded in making people who aren't familiar with him genuinely believe he is an awful person though none of the facts really stand up because his story is just like most other people's. He grew up in a conservative home and had some dodgy posts about politics from when he was fifteen. (Did you know Phil Lester did the same thing?) That's been warped into "Dream is a Trumper Republican." when he's absolutely not. He's not perfect, but he's literally just a human being who has had a growth trajectory that people want to ignore because it doesn't fit the "creepy" box they think he belongs in.

He was in an abusive relationship as a teenager (where he was abused) and he had some messy situationships with other people his age. Most people with a high school/teenage social experience also go through that. But Dream's actions at 17/18/19 are held on a pedestal compared to real life (not online) adult relationships instead of other messy teenagers. None of the allegations about him are true. They came from fans who couldn't provide any proof, and burner accounts. They were all dropped and recanted. But people don't want to hear him clear things up. They don't want to see that people admitted they were lying. It doesn't fit the narrative of creepy.

Anyway - like I said, I'm glad you liked my dnp stuff, and I wish you the best! But I'm just not someone who is going to distill people down into one specific category or drop anyone based on public opinion without looking at the facts myself and coming to my own conclusion.

[zanethecrane]

Okay. Just for clarification. I am an English major and I am only a semester away from having an associates. Breaking down movies and books is a hobby and a past time. So here are my thoughts.

Without a doubt whether or not you consider this to be good or bad is opinion. It's debatable. I personally fall on the side of not liking it. I see why people can like it and I'm not gonna dox people for liking it. It's definitely one of those movies where you could "theoretically" like and enjoy despite it's multitude of flaws.

Lets break this down

Plot

The plot was over all basic and uninspired.

What I mean by this is this... The plot was a carbon copy of other ideas and thoughts previously done from their other works. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, for this movie it brings it down BECAUSE it relies too heavily on them.

✓Sweet dreamy eye protagonist who is so sweet that everybody loves her

✓ talking animal side kick who provides comedic relief

✓wishing on a star

✓ female leading crying on an inanimate object because something didn't go her way

✓evil villain

✓magic saving the day

These are all not necessarily bad. In fact these are good ideas to have. We have seen them before. AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM

I understand that uniquemess and originality are hard to come by nowadays. I'm a writer and original ideas are the hardest to find. What you have to do is take those old ideas and make them new. What Disney did was not make these old tired tropes their own, they rehashed them and expected us to go, "Oh! That's just like this movie!"

Why is this bad?

Well don't I have the answer for you!

It makes the movie lose its own voice. This movie is too wrapped up in references and tropes they've used before to try and capture nostalgia, that wonder they used to have. What made those movies so special was the heart and care that went into them. This is Disney's 100 anniversary, but instead it feels like Disney's catch 100 references to when we were a better and a more creative studio.

They HAD a beautiful story!!

The idea and premise for this movie is probably my favorite thing but the execution from a professional and eye is awful! You cannot look at this movie and tell me that it is the Mona Lisa when it is nothing but a carbon Copy of what once was.

The story could have been amazing. The idea of using their A Dream is a Wish Your Heart makes for a very Disney and UNIQUE idea!

!!!!!HOWEVER!!!!

It was done in a manner that was so half hearted and so clearly a cash grab they practically insult themselves. The plot was predictable and falls flat. The villain was interesting at first! He was giving me a similar two sidedness as Frollo and then the back track his character by throwing in an evil maguffin to make him evil because it is clear to anyone who knows basic plot structure that it was rushed and they didn't know what else to do to progress the story. WE COULD HAVE HAD ANOTHER FROLLO WITH HIM, BUT WE GOT A HALF HEARTED GASTON!

Speaking of Gaston

You mentioned that The king being shoehorned in as a villain was like saying Gaston was shoehorned. I have an explanation for this. The reason why..

Now I hope I don't loose you here. This will get a little difficult.

In order to PROPERLY set up a character, this goes for Asha too (more on her later), you have to set up their character and what they are about in the first 5-10 minutes they are on screen. In the movie what we are told is that the king is noble and loves his people. There was no shadow of a doubt if this. And then as the movie progresses, specifically at the 30 minute mark it is revealed that oh hoho he is a narcissist and is obsessed with himself. The way they did this was out of the blue and off putting. It came out of nowhere. There was no build up. It was a sweet song about the wishes and then BAM I'm a narcissist who cares about no one but myself. That 180 came so fast they did not even prep themselves for it. It felt like this was a last minute idea.

Asha

Don't get me wrong, I love Asha. She is sweet and funny, but she is poorly written. We are not shown why she is sweet or why she is caring. We are told. With her fatal flaw, caring too much, she is told this is her fatal flaw. The movie doesn't trust us enough for us to figure out her fatal flaw. And it doesn't even really show us that she cares too much to begin with. There are so many unexplained why's, to her it makes my head spin. Why does she care? Why does she want to be an Apprentice? Why is she sweet? Why is she the way she is? Is it cause she is naturally that way like snow white? Was she raised to be that way? Or did she have a rough upbringing that made her this way? We don't know. That's the bottom line.

This movie has so many analytical flaws that I physically do not have the time nor the words to accurately explain to you why this movie is technically bad. But I doubt you care to even consider my points and come up with a half baked response. I bid you a due. I'm gonna go watch an actually good movie.

with all the negativity Disney's wish has received lately it genuinely feels like people are just looking to hate one something. Disney gets critiqued for not making original stories. So They make a princess fairytale movie. Disney gets critiqued for not having evil Disney villains. They give it an evil Disney villain. Disney gets critiqued for having overcomplicated plots. They make a sweet little movie about wishing on stars. But then it's "too safe" the villains evilness is "forced" and the movie is "self indulgent" for all its references even tho it's literally Disney's 100th anniversary movie.

Do y'all just not know how to enjoy things like a classic Disney fairytale movie without only seeing what you'd rather it be? Wish was a fun, sweet, cute little movie but because it's not the greatest film they've ever made it's a "disappointment"? Idk it feels like Wish is being held to a way higher standard then all of their other films from the last 5 years and after seeing the film I just don't see what's got y'all this upset.

[the-bjd-community-confess]

In answer to this anon, think whatever you want. It's pretty clear that you're a Culvr stan lol, nothing anyone would say would convince you. Go ahead and reverse image search my screencap, you won't find it anywhere but on here because I'm the one who capped it straight from my Gmail account. I can take another with the screen further down but then I would have to edit out my identifying info including my address and everything I ordered, but I'll do it if someone decides for whatever reason THAT is what will "prove" to them Culvr didn't send orders out. Second, there's no way for me to prove that I wasn't one of the people who got canceled without me posting my order number out there, but I'm certainly not going to do that lol. All it would do is dox me to Culvr and it wouldn't prove shit to anyone else because nobody is privy to exactly which order number she stopped at, and several orders that got fulfilled have order numbers WAY higher than other orders I've seen other people on instagram get canceled for, so....🤷🏽‍♀️. I have no idea how exactly she decided who got refunded and who didn't and neither does anyone else but Culvr.

All I can say is that I ordered from her, got accepted, and didn't get canceled. I'm not stealing anyone's screencap, and I'm not going to dox myself to prove it to someone who clearly is on Culvr's side. ("She was forced to cancel orders" anon puh-leeze hop off her dolly dick. 🙄 She wasn't "forced" to cancel those people's orders, she fucked up royally, immediately tried to lie about it and say it was a "website error" because she's a fucking liar by nature in case you haven't noticed, and then tried to mollify her unhappy customers with promises of guaranteed spots on her "next pre-order", meanwhile on her insta now, "lol I'm not selling my new doll because I can't trust y'all" 😂. All I can say is that I wish I had been fucked over by her in that specific way, because at least then I wouldn't be missing an order AND my money.)

Finally, lol anon MULTIPLE people have come forward here, including someone else who said Culvr blocked them, which I completely can see since Culvr has ignored all my attempts at communication as well. 

As for how I got the numbers for the missing heads/bodies, I'm not CLAIMING anything lol, there are screencaps on this blog fucking proving it, straight from Culvr's mouth. She's the one who told Harvcasting that's what she was missing! The mod likely has the link, if they could insert it here I would really appreciate it since I can't re-find it, but I had it pulled up and open when I gave those numbers.

[Mod: this post links to those confessions]

The conversation was posted on Harvcasting's stories and he posted them as proof that the dolls and heads were missing because Culvr fucked up, not him. He also never re-did those dolls because Culvr didn't want to pay him for them, she ignored him every time he tried to reach out to her to start casting the missing dolls/heads. The only part that's MY speculation is that there may be even more missing than what was said.

And for people claiming I need to send "proof" that I didn't receive my order, what the fuck do you want me to show you? The air where my Culvr purchase should be? Screencaps of me reaching out to her on multiple platforms where she proceeded to ignore me totally so you would only see me reaching out about my order which I'm going to again censor the number on because I don't want doxxed? How can I prove something is MISSING? Culvr has ignored me entirely and I stopped reaching out because she ignores everything, so why bother? It's been years now and I've chalked it up to a loss since I'm not about to go to court over a doll order. I'm also not going to dox myself publicly so Culvr stans can come harass me off-anon, since no level of proof is going to be enough for those who are determined to think that Culvr Did Nothing Wrong.

All I will say is that Culvr seems to have a suspiciously abundant supply of V2 dolls professionally cast from Harv, I'm missing my order and I believe other anons who have come forward as well. I think that Culvr decided to keep both the money and several people's doll orders when she realized that she would have to give away a huge chunk of dolls from the ones that she had allotted as her "personal stash". I think she basically spent the money by that time or otherwise for whatever reason did not have the funds to refund over 6 grand in merchandise, AND I think when she realized that she was going to have to give away several of her "own" dolls (the ones she put aside for herself from the pre-order), she decided to just take care of the few people who actually called her out off-anon and/or were "popular" users, while ignoring those like me who are peons.

~Anonymous

[dystopiandilfs]

I feel like people are completely missing the point and reason why myself and many others are upset about Karl and Sapnap meeting. I want to clear things up and add a few things. DISCLAIMER This is going to be long as I wanted to add as many situations and scenarios as I could.

Also you are allowed to be upset they met up and still be happy about the content you're receiving. You can be upset at them and still be happy for them. This isn't me trying to make people feel bad for enjoying any meetups.

Also also I mention masks because it's way less words then social distancing. However you should also be social distancing on top of wearing masks. Basically if you have no legit reason to leave your house don't fucking leave. If you can do your job from home you should stay at home, for example a lot of office workers currently work from home instead of all going into a confined office space with no masks and no social distances.

First off just because Karl got the vaccine doesn't mean he's good to travel to different states. It doesn't mean he's good to go out in public constantly especially without a mask. Even with the vaccine you can still spread it to other people. To dumb it down the vaccine doesn't prevent you from getting covid it prevents covid from doing anything to you.

Even with the vaccine you can still get covid it just won't effect you as much if at all. Even if you have the vaccine you still should be following the guidelines and wearing a mask. Until at least 70% of the population has a successful covid vaccination you still should be following your countries guidelines and wearing a mask.

Second off nobody is singling out Karl. It's not a personal attack against Karl. It's just that Karl is one of the biggest examples since he travels a lot.

Next thing to add, Content creators aren't essential workers. Every streamer and YouTuber can do their job from home. They don't need to be leaving their house. If you can't make a good video at home then you're a shit streamer.

Also Covid tests aren't reliable. They don't prevent covid. They're the equivalent of checking someone's temperature by putting a hand on their forehead. Content creators shouldn't be using covid tests as an excuse to break covid guidelines. The tests are meant for essential workers like people in the emergency services, teachers, transport drivers, shop workers, delivery drivers, food delivering companies etc

Now to talk about Karl and compare other streamers situations and why they're not the same.

The biggest argument I've seen is "Why are you mad at Karl and Sapnap meeting but not Sapnap and Dream?" First off Sapnap was moving house permanently and not travelling for a few days to hang out with a friend. Dream and Sapnap stayed in their bubble with the only other people they saw being Dream's family who are part of the same bubble.

You could compare Sapnap and Karl meeting to Sapnap and Skeppy meeting. That's a valid arguement. Skeppy during 2020 was a lot like 2021 Karl he travelled a lot and was constantly going out. The only reason that stopped was because BBH got covid. It took his best friend who never left his house to get covid for Skeppy to follow guidelines. Nobody wishes anyone to get covid but the fact it might take someone close to Karl to get him to stop is scary. (Fingers crossed that doesn't happen and everybody stays safe)

Comparing George and Wilbur meeting to Karl and Quackity meeting. Once again valid however once again you've got to consider that at the time the rules were very limited in the UK compared to the rules during Karl and Big Q's meetup. Also George and Wilbur essentially had a day trip with only them and both had on masks vs Karl and Quackity meeting other people (Mr Beast video) and not seen wearing masks during the entire visit.

Comparing Tommy and Jack meeting up as they met during Sapnap's trip to Karl. Maybe the most valid arguement. The only difference being Jack and Tommy live super close and have both stuck to the guidelines pretty well, this apparently being first time leaving the house in 2021 Vs Once again Karl's America state tour and Sapnap travelling to a whole different state to meetup instead of a 10 minute walk. However not a mask in sight for both sides. I am however harsher towards Karl vs Tommy for the reason of Karl has been called out multiple times and this was Tommy's first.

Sapnap, Punz Schlatt and Minx all moving (or planning on moving) house. Sapnap moving from Texas to Florida, Punz from LA to Florida, Schlatt moving from New York to Texas and Minx moving from Ireland to America. They are all travelling with the intention of moving from one place of residence to a new permanent one. That's a completely different situation to moving from state to state to meet friend and then going back home only to leave to another state a few days later and the cycle continues. Minx got so much shit for mentioning a move compared to other other 3 but they're all examples of similar guideline breaking situations that are still different situations to Karl. Once again I'm using Karl as the main example since he's the most known streamer to be called out. He's been called out as much as the tiktokers and beauty gurus have.

Regarding the people moving they all are moving or have moved for different reasons and that's a whole different situation. Like Schlatt moved for tax purposes , Sapnap moved in to live with his best friend (also Dream had recently moved after being doxxed so I presume that's part of it since Dream said he likes living with Sapnap and hated living alone even when his mum visits)

TLDR: STICK TO THE FUCKING COVID GUIDELINES. IF YOU GOT THE VACCINE STILL STICK TO THE GUIDELINES IT'S NOT THAT DIFFICULT. YOU DON'T NEED TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE UNLESS YOU ARE AN ESSENTIAL WORKER.

[arcadialedger]

Please note that I am most likely leaving this platform. I am done being abused. But first? We need to have a discussion. A discussion about hate and bullying in fandom.

All online-- I encourage you to read my story below. Reblog and spread awareness. The Dragon Prince fandom especially -- I implore you read my words, every single one of them. The short of it is that I am done. 

This all began with losing and being blocked by a friend because I shared something they disagreed with. I don’t care what you feel about my initial reaction to this (which I’ll explain below) -- I’ve apologized for not handling the situation correctly. But I will not be shamed for speaking my mind and standing up for myself.

Because no human being deserves to go through what I have endured since last summer.

Following the “callout” post made about me by one of, if not the largest blogs in this fandom, I received hundreds of threats, harassment messages, and death threats. Messages and posts telling me to kill myself were also prominent, on a multiple times a week basis for awhile.

Messages from people who were well aware I have struggled with being suicidal. Due to one of their favorite Dragon Prince blogs speaking out against me, they thought it was okay to suicide bait me.

And it worked. I already struggle with hating myself, am already insecure, and being flooded with these comments which, while I made mistakes, did nothing to deserve, drove me to try and take my own life after years of progress in my mental health.  

Mind you, this is like a 200 follower to 4k follower power dynamic. Which yes, plays a role-- because when you have a large following and influence, you have power. Yet the person behind this had the gall to claim Tumblr clout isn’t real.

People blocking and condemning others instantly at your word? Is power. If people read your words and are influenced, or have their minds changed, or buy or don’t buy something, etc.-- you are an influencer. You have power. And when you’re one of the largest blogs in a fandom, you have a LOT of power.

So take responsibility. 

I was hurt because I lost a friend who I had chatted with for months, did a podcast with, and was generally not only one of my favorite blogs but the center of my experience in the Dragon Prince. I may not have been perfect in my words, but when I was asked why I was quiet/ inactive, I explained how I was hurting, anonymously. I was understandably in pain and upset. I had been cut off for just having a different opinion on a matter, for thinking differently. Even though it was within their rights to block and do so, it felt wrong and it weighed on me.

Is that such a crime?

The callout post and previously described abuse followed, lasting for months until later in the year (this began in June, or around then). It also included screenshots of tweets, when this user does not have Tumblr, and they have stated to have screenshots stored up on their computer of my various posts and interactions. This is creepy behavior, and freaked me out. I felt like I was being stalked, “evidence” being filed away for the very purpose of being used against me. 

I eventually talked things out with the blog per recommendation of my therapist, and thought all would be fine. For a little while, it was. I largely stayed off of Tumblr to heal. Once in awhile I would have a rough, tearful night because something reminded me of what I lost, but I would make it through. Overall, I was making progress.

Then? My Twitter got hacked by one of the people sending me hate. For what had turned out to be much. And after they tweeted some purposefully incriminating and bigoted things to make me look bad, I came home from a weekend in the mountains to a shitstorm.

Twitter has a love hate relationship for me and I barely opened the app unless actively chatting with a friend. So when I saw 700+ notifications, I was surprised. It had never happened before.

I began to scroll through, and when I saw what had happened, I ran to the bathroom and threw up.

I had lost over half of my followers and a solid 60% of previous Twitter mutuals had blocked me. But worst of all, I had hundreds of hate tweets directed at me replying to the hackers tweets. Messages had been sent in DMs and accounts blocked, followed, and unfollowed as well.

If you have never felt that loss of agency-- that sickening feeling of words you never said next to your profile-- be glad. Because it is traumatic. I value my words. I value what I have to say. And having that taken from me was worse than anything I had been through here on Tumblr, outside of the suicide baiting (the most direct attack to me and my emotions/ insecurities throughout this entire ordeal). Further, this hacker had clearly stalked my tweets based on some of their comments. 

Hundreds of tweets bashing me, calling me aphobic slurs (knowing I am asexual mind you, as it was in my bio), making fun of my appearance and targeting all of the insecurities which lead to my first suicide attempt in high school, and taking/ editing images of my face and mocking them. This all culminated in a doxing threat-- a doxing threat which made me feel unsafe on a campus I had already been sexually assaulted on. I was once again, after starting the healing process, thrusted back into the darkest time of my life and spiraled into anxiety and depression. I cried a lot overwhelmed by it all, had difficulty sleeping, and felt sick. I started fall semester and couldn’t concentrate on school. I was a mess.

I had once again been condemned, this time for something I had no part in. I tried to example what happened but nobody listened. I had been hung without trial. People were understandably confused, and my entire reputation on the platform, and my page, became a mess of lies, misunderstandings, and more.

If you don’t know the feeling of already hating yourself and being insecure, and having these beliefs reinforced and spread by hundreds publicly across the internet? Of already feeling lonely and unwanted and having the one space you thought you had taken from you? Consider yourself lucky. 

I had a lot of voice actors and creators following me-- accounts I interacted and greatly cherished my mutual with. A handful of them unfollowed, understandably. This online hate mob was sending messages to people demanding they unfollow me, including some of these creators. They had no idea what to make of this mess or what was real and true and just didn’t want to deal with it. Most of the others just stopped interacting with me. @aaronwaltke (tagging so those who don’t follow already click and do so, because he is absolutely fantastic-- he’s a writer for ToA)  who had followed me on the platform, graciously wished me peace with the entire situation after I checked to make sure he had not been subjected to messages or hate, either from my hacker or other accounts. His was the greatest compassion I got on Twitter, before I ultimately ended up just having to delete.

I lost podcast deals because of this with Adrian Petriw, Aaron Ehasz, and Justin Richmond. I do not blame them one bit and would have done the same in the confusion not wanting to get dragged into anything. 

Only to have one of the friends I lost who helped start this interview these very people on their own podcasts. A slap in the face. A zine I had bought to support them came to my door, with the front page proclaiming to “spread a narrative of love.”

I was never granted that chance. That compassion. I had the vultures sent after me with no mercy. And anyone who has been through online abuse and systemic harassment knows just how much it feels like they’re slowly but surely picking at your flesh ( a metaphor I used in one of my old, since deleted posts discussing the situation, and still find accurate), wearing you down until you have no strength left.

Make no mistake, my story is not a one off situation. Many share the same tale of abuse and being driven off of platforms that once gave them great joy. These attacks are coordinated, systemic, and common hobby for these people-- who largely claim to be loving and accepting of all. They are a cyberbullying phenomenon which has risen with the presence of fandom on the internet. And I want to make clear, with current discussions of “cancel culture”, I mean nothing political in that statement. Some might call my experience cancel culture, but I don’t.

It’s just bullying. It’s just hate. These people get off on ruining people’s lives.

And my life was greatly set back and ruined. I had a stain on my past in fandom I could never be rid of. I had to shut down my podcast, took time off of all social media, and most of what I had built, most of my growth, was taken from me while those who incited and/ or spread hate thrived and continued to grow and find success. That was the greatest sting of all. 

I asked the one previous friend who hadn’t blocked me, but had just stopped interacting with me (which I understood and respected, and also greatly respected her perspective, help, and support though this situation in which she largely unfortunately ended up in the middle) for help after explaining everything, and got nothing. They didn’t seem to care, and just blocked me on all platforms. Once in awhile, I would find I was cut off from yet another old friend, or a blog that I had never interacted with before but clicked into, interested. It hurt being cut off, unable to fully interact with the fandom, but I could move on.

That pain would never go away, but I made clear I did not blame them for the actions of those who abused, harassed, and threatened me. I also made it clear they did not owe me anything, including unblocking. 

I just wanted to move on peacefully, but those with the power to enable that did not wish to help. I slowly, when I felt ready, began to be more active on Tumblr again, and once again the hate started up. 

Sometimes when I was hurting, I expressed my pain and loss to my followers just to reach out, because I was sad. I had no idea how to rebuild from all that had happened. This got me more hate an accusations of emotional manipulation and gaslighting. I had no idea what to do, and got trapped in a cycle of needing to talk about it, and getting hate and backlash, but not knowing where else I could turn. 

My doxer came back into my asks, ultimately making me switch schools, and refueled the drama. Speaking up about this got me more backlash-- mostly accounts reblogging (one with tags saying “fuck you”, despite not knowing the full story, and commenting and then blocking me so I could do nothing to respond or get it off of my page. I deleted all posts of the matter, as requested by these people (who validly pointed out they were in the main fandom tags, which I hadn’t thought of and understood), and hoped to move on.

But it hasn’t stopped. I have been beaten down and emotionally bruised for months. I have had my life and safety threatened, my education and by extension life path altered, and lost work (podcast) opportunities due to this-- alongside the irreversible emotional damage from trauma and abuse. My mental health issues and insecurities-- which I have been very open about to destigmatize the subjects and encourage conversation-- were actively targeted to inflict the most pain possible. 

And I can’t even talk about it, without enduring more hate and accusations of “playing the victim”.

Death threats, suicide baiting, doxing, months of bullying and harassment to the most vile degree, which a lot of these people don’t know about because they don’t even bother to read my words. Yet I’m playing the victim. 

And the accusations of bigotry and being hateful hurt, because it couldn’t be further from what is in my heart. I believing in love and acceptance of all. I don’t know how many are religious here, but I found God after my first suicide attempt and that is what his word has taught me. 

I’ve been through too much in life to tolerate this, for lack of a more eloquent term, bullshit. I know what abuse and victim blaming looks like when I see it. And in my 20 years of life, I have gone through too much: constant ridicule and bullying, suicide attempts, sexual assault, major spinal surgery, to just be stomped over and not stand up for my right to basis human decency. 

I refuse to put up with this, so unless I get an apology and some semblance of justice for everything I have been through, I am leaving. I will not participate in a space run by hate and toxicity. I will never claim to be perfect, and I have apologized for my mistakes and wrongdoings. Now, hold those who did this accountable. If you’re reading this you know very well who it was, and I am not naming them for those who don’t. Because at the end of the day I still send nothing but love and wish no ill will towards them.

But I’ll be damned if I don’t expect accountability of one of the greatest influencers in the fandom for their complacency in abuse, threats, suicide baiting, and and absolute ruining of my life and online experience. They enabled this and were well aware they had the power to stop it-- to ask their followers to stop-- and did nothing. They didn’t care-- about a human’s life and well being. 

@dragonprinceofficial, are you aware that this is what many of the fans of your show, which preaches love and an end to the cycle of vengeance, do to others? That this is happening in your space? If you stand at all by the values you preach, condemn it. @staffTumblr/ @supportTumblr-- shame on you for allowing this abuse to happen and ignoring my reports. Shame on you for permitting these people to operate in your platform and for being okay with hosting hate. People have been driven to suicide on your website-- I am one of the lucky ones. 

If you care at all about humanity and stand against this behavior, reblog and spread awareness. Share my story so I may not happen to anyone else. Tag @dragonprinceofficial until they notice and speak out. 

This is my story, and so many others. Make sure it doesn’t happen ever again. No human being deserves to be treated how I was. Everyone deserves compassion, decency, and respect. And everyone deserves a place in fandom. Do better. If you want to reach out to me DMs are open, as well as my email, which is attached to my account. Until this change happens and I am given the support/ help needed to safely function on this platform, this blog will not be active outside of that. 

Thank you all of the many accounts who have supported me, and I am working on getting back to all who have reached out! Your love means the world. You know who you are, and I don’t want to tag in case people come after you for showing me kindness. I am sorry if this is goodbye, to all that have enjoyed my blog. I enjoyed it for a long time  too. I loved sharing my passion for stories, culture, having a space where I could analyze and discuss my favorite things.  I loved getting to share what I had to offer with the world, having fun and posting jokes with my unique sense of humor. I loved interacting with intelligent people/ fellow fans and discussing my favorite stories, offering each other new insights and growing together. I loved the many, many kind and wonderful people who reached out to me in a variety of ways and provided support and friendship.

In the end, it just isn’t worth all of this pain and trauma, and I know when to put my foot down. I don’t want pity, I don’t want apologizes, and I’m not a martyr. I just want my story to make a difference-- to spur positive change in fandom culture/ spaces.  I will be tagging all fandoms in which I have seen this kind of abuse present as well, to reach as many as possible. 

Be safe, and be kind.

- The Arcadia Ledger/ Ryn/ Katie, signing off.

[shrimpmandan]

I’ve been reflecting some on my views lately.

I wanted to give my thoughts on the MOGAI community and my perspective on it as a neurodivergent trans person, and just kind of reflect on my stance on and understanding of it. This is really rambly because it's 3 AM and I'm tired, but this is just my own perspective on the MOGAI community and its relation to transmeds. I think the issue I have with MOGAI is mainly its conflation with being transgender, and how these terms are labeled with -gender at all.

To preface for anyone who doesn’t follow me and is just scrolling through tags, I'm autistic + ADHD, and to my knowledge a binary trans man. I consider myself a transmedicalist and anti-MOGAI, just on the basis that I don't think MOGAI genders can be, well, genders. From what I understand, gender is your neurological sex. I know there's been critiques of the brain sex theory, but it's the one that makes the most sense to me. In essence, your brain can't be pupgender because pupgender isn't a sex. I'm very science-oriented and I'm not inclined to support something as a label if it does not describe a real, proven occurrence. 

Though, I understand why people, particularly people with autism, use these labels. Some of them appeal to synesthesia, a complicated experience often comorbid with autism. I understand how an autistic person with synesthesia would 'feel' their gender. Hell, I know I do. I always described my gender as a feeling. Now, gender is more complicated than just 'a feeling', but my point stands. An autistic person may think their gender is foggy due to synesthesia, though I don't think there are any existing studies discussing such a correlation yet. Other labels, such as "autigender", are simply descriptors. It's not "my gender is autism", but rather "my gender is affected by my autism". This is where I have another issue. MOGAI labels are made for neurodivergent people, so why are they named in such a way that makes it really easy to misinterpret them literally? Even neurotypicals I've met see "autigender" and infer that it means "my gender is autism". Additionally, when getting into neopronouns, a lot of neurodivergent people have difficulties using or remembering neopronouns and how to conjugate them. I literally can't use nounself pronouns because it fucks with my language processing issues so much. But again, I can understand why they're used. Some neurodivergent people have difficulties using singular they/them. I read a post about someone having standard pronouns (he/she/they) be misophonia triggers, so they use neopronouns that don't trigger such a response. My only issue there is just how many there are. Thon/thons existed as a singular neutral pronoun at one point, and I think we should bring that pronoun back for folks who can't use standard pronouns comfortably, without having this laundry list of them.

In my opinion, MOGAI would be basically harmless if MOGAI genders weren't conflated with being transgender. Simply put, most transgender people can't relate to the MOGAI crowd. And by extension, what is MOGAI fighting for? How would their activism fit into ours? I know that many people who use MOGAI labels are also transgender, but some of 'em aren't. Some MOGAI users are cis neurodivergent people who have varying difficulties understanding or describing their gender. Now, I never experienced that, so I can't relate, but I can see it. I can see why a cis ND person would think "my gender feels kinda fuzzy" and then be like "fuck it, guess I'm fuzzgender." But, that doesn't make them trans. This weird conflation between MOGAI and being trans is extremely harmful and what a lot of people in transmed/anti-MOGAI circles take issue with. A lot of us don't relate to MOGAI and feel like our issues are being trivialized by this narrative that gender is just a fun way to express yourself, which is sadly not a reality for a lot of trans people, especially the teens who are pre-transition (the ones who are typically transmeds). It feels extremely invalidating for many. 

I think this is just down to the way MOGAI is presented. MOGAI was originally coined to be a more inclusive term for LGBT after all, and MOGAI genders are branded as, well, genders. I think that MOGAI should be rebranded and adjusted to be more cohesive (so that there aren’t a billion labels that are unused or just repeats of each other) as well as better described so that they don’t necessarily conflate with being trans. I've seen some people propose calling xenogenders "xenoidentities" instead, for example. "Xenodescriptors" could also work, possibly. I'm the type of person who tries to look for compromise. While I do put labels on my stances, my opinions on issues tend to be more complex than the label lets on. There's definitely a way to make both communities happy and healthy and fulfill their intended purposes. It's just difficult to get anything done when most of the online discourse is spent shitting on each other and harassing each other. I frequently see both transmeds and tucutes be doxxed, harassed, suicide baited, et cetera et cetera. That doesn't accomplish anything. That's just bullying. Name-calling and harassment is just bullying. If we could just facilitate a respectful, meaningful discussion and work together as communities to understand each other better and come to an agreement, then this discourse wouldn't need to go on any longer. Nothing is black and white. Both sides have their reasons for feeling the way they do. This applies to literally every other major LGBT discourse going on as well, from bi vs pan to acecourse to whatever the hell else. We need to make an effort to understand each other. This post is absolutely open for discussion if it doesn't get buried. I think I covered both sides pretty well but obviously the experiences of people who actually use MOGAI labels are much more important than my views from the outside. I’m cross-tagging this since I don’t want this to just be flooded with one side. I am actively welcoming interaction from either side on this post. Please just ignore this post/block me if you don’t wanna see it. This isn’t cross-tagged with malicious intent. I simply wish to gain more perspective on why people may use MOGAI labels, and also why other transmeds dislike them so. I obviously could be missing a few things.

[cyclone-rachel]

After the incident with Jonathan (and incident was the kindest word that could be used to describe what happened) Jordan didn’t want to see anyone.

No- it was more than that. He couldn’t be around anyone. There was too much of a risk- his head hurt all the time now, his eyes burned, his hands shook. Who could say, if the next punch he happened to throw would end up causing someone to break even more than what happened to Jonathan’s arm, or if when he looked at someone the wrong way, they wouldn’t burst into flames? Whenever he got up to walk anywhere, he had no idea if it would turn into him running at super-speed, as far away from everyone he knew as he wished he could go sometimes, or if he would just take off and his feet would never find ground again.

And yet, people still wanted to talk to him.

After he and his dad left the Fortress of Solitude, Jordan went back to his room, wearing a pair of noise-cancelling headphones. They were supposed to help- along with the lead-lined glasses that Dad promised to make for him, that would cancel out his X-ray vision and heat vision.

(He didn’t want to wear the glasses, and knew he couldn’t for football, but at the same time, he couldn’t imagine not wearing them, and maybe hurting more people.)

Still, though, he heard the knock on his door.

“Go away.” He shouted, as he started up some video game or another.

“Jordan.” The person outside his door said. “May I please come in?”

It wasn’t a voice he’d ever heard before, and whoever it was didn’t sound like they were going to kill him. So he slowly took his headphones off, still carrying them in one hand as he got up and opened the door to find a still-unfamiliar man on the other side.

“I apologize, for the interruption.” He said.

“You weren’t interrupting anything.” Jordan answered, sitting down on his bed. “What’s going on? Are you gonna lecture me? Because my parents already did that, and I’ve had enough of it for one day.”

“No.”

“What?”

“No, I will not lecture you. In fact… I hope that I can help you, Jordan Kent. But for now, I just wish to talk.”

“Would be helpful if you told me what your name is.”

“Ah, yes. That was insensitive of me.”

He pressed some kind of invisible button on his forehead, and in place of his human appearance was a blond man with the same hairstyle, but green skin and a purple and gray super-suit, with three white circles on his chest that made a very familiar symbol.

“Brainiac?” Jordan asked, scooting backwards on the bed, away from him. “What the hell?”

The Brainiac sighed.

“Not the one you are thinking of.” He said. “I am Brainiac 5. Half-computer, half organic lifeform, all Coluan- and not to brag, but a recently uninhibited twelfth-level intellect. My name is Querl Dox, but my friends- past and present- just call me Brainy.”

“Brainy.” Jordan repeated. “Sure.”

“I work with Kara Zor-El- you may know her as your Aunt Kara, although she is technically your second cousin. Or, you may call her…”

“Supergirl?”

Querl nodded.

“Indeed.”

“What… why are you here?”

“You will have to be more specific. Does “here” mean Smallville, or this planet, or this century? There are different answers for each.”

“This century?”

“Yes, I am from the thirty-first- though it is unsafe for me to return, so I am here. Though in the case that that wasn’t the question you were asking and you just wanted elaboration on that one point… there is a long story as to how I came to Earth. And as for Smallville… well, there are versions of myself who once recruited your father, long ago. They trained him, helped him to accept and use his powers to best serve and protect humanity, uphold truth, justice, and the American way- as the phrase goes. I am not here for that exact purpose today, for you, but… I thought you could use another perspective.”

“So you came here out of the goodness of your heart or something, and not because Mom or Dad told you to?”

“If you want to think so, yes.” Querl said. “But I was informed of what has happened recently. Will that be more believable to you?”

Jordan shrugged, and Querl looked at the space beside him on the bed.

“May I sit down with you?”

After Jordan rolled his eyes, he nodded, and once Querl was sitting, he gave him the whole story.

“I… when I was younger than you are, I too hurt a family member I cared for deeply.” Querl said, turning to look at him once he’d finished. “My father- my one hope that I could become someone other than my ancestors. And yet… I still lost control of my emotions. I saw him as the enemy, depriving me of what was my right to have. My first bottled planet, given to me by my mother- I understand now that it is barbaric, but I thought the practice was beautiful. Inside of the bottle, the snow would never melt, time itself would stop- it cannot truly do so, but the point is that it would be preserved. That perfect moment, a reminder that once, just for a little while, I forgot who I was and where I came from. We were just a normal family, and I was playing in the snow, and it was good. I could not let my father take that away from me. So when he tried, I…”

He ran a hand over his forehead.

“It took a long time for me to accept that I did not deserve what he did to me in retaliation.” He said. “I hope, Jordan, that your path will be smoother than mine.”

“What he did…” Jordan murmured. “You said you were recently uninhibited. Did he… inhibit you, or something?”

Querl gave him a sad smile.

“I wish I could tell you otherwise. But yes, he did- and I let myself remain inhibited for over twenty years, because I was so afraid of what I could be without them. Because my own father ingrained such a fear of my potential, my ancestors, into me, that he did not trust me to overcome them, and as a result, caused me to not trust myself.”

“But you trust yourself now.”

“Yes. But as I said, it was not an easy thing to accomplish. However, you are still young, and your parents have no interest in inhibiting you.”

“What if I don’t want powers at all?” Jordan asked. “My brother’s the one who should have them. Especially after I- what I did.”

“I have heard that before.” Querl said. “In another circumstance.”

“And what happened with that?”

“It is a work in progress. But she is still learning, as are you- as all of us are.”

“Even you?”

Querl nodded.

“And Supergirl, and your father, and your mother, and Jonathan. Learning is, in some ways, the point of continuing to live- and just as I learned that I was more than my family, that I could use their power for good, you have so much to discover about your powers, and your own family and history.”

“And then I won’t hate myself?”

“I am not sure about that. It’s up for you to decide.”

Jordan scowled.

“Apologies. But… if you have other questions…”

Querl reached for a pocket in his suit, and withdrew a gold and black ring.

“This was in the Fortress of Solitude- it was your father’s. However, though it is now from a different timeline, it is still connected to every other Legion ring in this century. Namely, the one belonging to Supergirl, and my own. So if you wish to talk to either of us-“

“You’re always around, I get it.” Jordan said. “My dad has something like this.”

“Yes, the Signal Watch. I am aware of such technology.” Querl answered. “It is the same principle.”

“Right. I guess you have to get going now.”

“I do.” He said, and gently placed a hand on Jordan’s shoulder. “Farewell, Jordan Kent. And good luck.”

“Bye, um… Brainiac 5. Thanks.”

“You are very welcome.”

And, as it turned out as he started up a game, he found that he was- thankful, that is. And he already missed Brainiac 5’s presence, hoping that he’d see him again soon.

[sonicthecringehog]

you think me saying someone doesn't care about you is really abusive? yeah i see you posting about me in your discord.

TW: ABUSE; R*PE, SUICIDE, GASLIGHTING. Alrighty gather 'round children - I think I know exactly who you are now so I'm going to lay it down for you, maybe this is me being a sociopath with a victim complex as ableist as that sounds to my followers. Allow me to educate you, even if you think this is manipulation too~ Now, I may have grown up very privileged - considering my mother had escaped literal poverty, and my father escaping a cycle of intergenerational trauma from actual abuse. I will never deny that and I am grateful for all of the things I have and have worked hard for myself. But dude I have clinically diagnosed PTSD that I only just found out about last week after spending a few days in an actual psych ward - they genuinely thought I possibly had either bipolar disorder or schizophrenia because of how bad of a state I was in, I couldn't eat or sleep for days. I learned that when I rushed into a convenience store crying and shaking, and just apologizing constantly because I didn't even have a mask and my phone was dead, so I had no idea how to get to the hospital. I did not want to be turned away yet again out of looking like a walking stereotype (looking at you, Karens). And just before that, confession I broke into a friend’s house because I took his word literally that the door is always open, and someone convinced me I was gaslighting the both of them which is exactly what sent me spiralling to begin with. But anyway, the people at the store were really understanding even if it was just a liability thing, and they called the police for me, and the police contacted a social worker for me to get my story out and they all reassured me that I was doing the right thing - and eventually, I got the help I needed and I realized it's time to take back my life once and for all.

Not even strong antipsychotics like olanzapine, what I'm currently prescribed with, helps me in those times. I wake up with cold sweats, I have constant nightmares I don't tell people about because I don't want to fuck them up the way I got this way. And now I understand why my aunt from my dad's side of the family who was apparently schizophrenic took her own life, and never told anyone her struggles either. And why my dad was so overprotective of me for so long. You see, I live in constant fear for my life because I have dealt with actually violent, clinical psychopaths who only think for themselves and will instead lie through their teeth to make it seem like they'd changed. And they stalk you or just cling onto you, to try and find every little detail about you to use as ammo against you because they know they can, and will manipulate people into thinking you're the one abusing them and manipulating everyone around you until they have no use for you anymore. Lots of shit happened but honestly if I just accepted that "no one cares" and I just learned to "shut the fuck up and think before I speak," like my actual abusers would say... I'd be a single mother living in poverty right now, and I would probably have lost custody of that child to my one abuser at that time because he is exactly like this. I don't like talking about it because I know how triggering it is for some and this might blow up again like a lot of my "controversial" posts, but if I didn't accidentally stress and overwork myself into having a miscarriage in the bathroom at my work, I would have become the walking stereotype my other abusers would try to implant in people's minds. And I feel horrible and responsible for all the shit I'm causing now, because I know of people with diagnosed NPD or ASPD and they're trying to better themselves, and do their part in the world without hurting people. You really can't win no matter what side you're on. Hell, I developed a saviour complex over the course of a few years because I've seen some vulnerable people get taken advantage of like this, too without ever understanding why so they constantly find themselves being abused without realizing it, it's heartbreaking to me. I was r*ped at 7, not from the stereotypical creepy uncle. But a girl my own age who I'm pretty sure was abused herself, which is why I never held anything against her. Maybe it's my Stockholm Syndrome talking again. Regardless, I learned that you can't change a person. The only person you can change is yourself. However, sometimes those strangers who show basic human decency knowing one's past, are that ultimate kick in the ass to motivate people to save themselves.

So let this ask post be a lesson to all of you. These kinds of abusers I had also knew exactly how to dogwhistle me to try and get a reaction, exactly what to say and how to act in front of authority figures - to manipulate them into thinking I was the abuser or whatever ableist walking stereotype they wanted people to think. Hence, I was gaslighted into thinking I was on the autism spectrum my whole life by the people around me growing up, and that my close family and friends were the “real” abusers even though they were trying to help but didn’t know how... without these people even realizing who the real culprits were. Growing up being The Girl Who Cried Wolf even when you did nothing you were aware of, fucks you up for life, my friend. And that's exactly what they wanted. Maybe I do need a break from social media as even my family doctor says, maybe I do need to let myself be "cancelled" again to grow stronger from this. Because I'm not saying you specifically are abusive or a bad person per se, because I don’t even know who you are, I could have easily deleted and ignored this. But just let people live and stop trying to take away what little innocence they have left that they lost at a very early age... out of being too comfortable in your own magical fantasy world of self-pity to get your own shit together. Because shit like this is exactly why I overwork myself and get these "manic" episodes as my abusers called it, as live in fear that I might actually get shot one day when things seem to finally be stable and peaceful. Hell, I might never be able to get a real job because of shit like this. But if you want to report my posts again on my Instagram which I'm pretty sure was you at this point, go right ahead. Because you need to grow the fuck up... and to the other people reading this, don't ever let anyone tell you that no one cares or your feelings aren't valid, because there are people who do understand and will help you, even if to them you're just a passerby on the street. Because people do care.

This kind of cancel culture and bullying people out of getting help without giving them a chance to explain themselves, while doxxing and overanalyzing every post one says to use against them... has been so normalized in our society that we often do glorify the people who show basic human decency. When it should have been the standard all along. On to the point, I wish you all a wonderful journey to a beautiful recovery too - I might not be active for a bit because I think I need a break ^_^'

TL;DR: Don't feed the trolls, kiddies, but don't let them win out of fear that no one will believe you even with concrete proof. To make a bad Sonic reference - if you see someone abusing their power over you and doesn't want you to thrive because they think you're nothing more than some welfare queen attention whore... THATS NO GOOD~

(Also excuse all the edits, I’ve been spiralling mentally because holy shit I don’t appreciate being stalked and doxxed y’all regardless of who is doing this... so I’m keeping this post up as a reminder to all of you to just not feed the trolls and keep moving forward. Hell, someone on Snapchat kept stupidly adding me by my number for a few months on and off, so this is why I get in these situations where I’m kiiiinda scared for my life. I admitted myself to the hospital but ended up leaving after asking for resources for these kinds of situational crises. Oof. ^_^”)

Anyways, toodle-oo fuck you too bitch. ;)

~ Serena

[at-the-exd-of-everythixg]

Memes! Part t h r e e

@awkward-snake-girl / @blind-mutant

Red: Does violence have to be the last resort. Can't it be like third

******

Samuel: You call it a "heinous violation of legal and ethical rules" I call it "creative problem-solving"

******

Rhys: You call yourself evil but you can't even stand up without getting dizzy

******

Rhys, talking about Sal: Stop messaging my bf bud

Mahogany: our boyfriend

******

Mattie: Do you have a self care routine?

Pascal: "Keep going bitch!" Said to myself in different accents

******

Morde, with Abby balls deep in him: Demons are usually depicated as red to indicate that they are heavily seasoned with paprika and chili pepper, like a chorizo

******

Finn: If I am sensitive. Why I gotta stop being sensitive? Why can't you just be a little nicer?

******

Pascal: Feeling cute today. Might commit acts of hubris.

******

Mattie: Why don't you plant some lavender and when it blooms you can squeeze a leaf or two between your fingers and the smell will calm you down. How about you do that. Bitch.

******

Rick: Well I don't want to be silly anymore. I want to engage in hoaxes and schemes now

******

Pascal: Any other unsettling promotions you'd like to share with the class?

******

Red: Could you be any more annoying

Rhys: Easily

******

Sal: Sorry for saying that you're "such an idiot" I'm actually "in love with you"

*******

Iris: It's not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby

******

Ava: Witches in old fairy tales had the idea. Living alone, unmarried, in the middle of the woods, and if a hero stumbled across their cottage theyre like "maybe I'll give you a magical token to help you out. Maybe I'll fuck up your entire life. Depends."

******

Dae: I am not going to unleash my bitterness on you because I am trying to become a better person. Have a nice day

Rhys: what were you originally going to say bitch omg

******

Lace: Why did my last two braincells have to be a sad one and a stupid one

******

Finn: You should have never doxxed the rabbit community

******

Sal: I'm glad we only live once cuz I cannot do this shit again

******

Pascal: HAVE YOU EVER TOUCHED A dog

******

Rhys: As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts and then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow/er in the village

******

Edith: Some of you are simply not cut out to be the resident mean gay person. And that's okay, because I am. And I will be mean. And gay

******

Samuel: God complex this, victim complex that...I have an underground complex, it's where I perform my evil and fucked up experiments

******

Skaar, living by the sword: Haha! Fuck yeah! Yes!

Skaar, dying by the sword: well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.

******

Mahogany: I don't think my boyfriend, the 12 foot Halloween skeleton from Home Depot, would be too pleased to hear about this

******

Mattie: check in on your nemesis! Make sure they're doing poorly in these times!

******

Hulk: The hardest I've ever laughed was when I saw my dad cry. It was my moment of realization that I'm better than him.

*******

Ava: Knifehack

Ava: Just stab the problem

*******

Sal: What is wrong with you

Rhys: I will try to be brief (1/456)

*******

Mimi: One of the only downsides of actions is consequences. But it's a big downside.

*******

Samuel: I've done nothing wrong. Except for all the atrocities. Besides that I'm innocent.

******

Jen: After a thorough medical assessment, the doctors have described me as "a lot. Just like a lot to deal with."

*******

Lace: Necomancer that doesn't know they're a necromancer and thinks they're just a really good emt

*******

Pascal: Y'all ever want a pretty girl to just...boss you around a little bit

*******

Rhys: sorry I'm bisexual and easily distracted

******

Mordecai: Whenever I say "we" I am referring to both myself and the mental illness

******

Mattie: Date a girl who is a home and an adventure all at once

Rick: Date a girl who doubles as a haunted house

*******

Pascal: wlw what is your wisdom

Mimi: World hard and cold...tiddy warm and soft

Edith: girl hot

Mattie: Watch Naurto

******

Sal: No I'm not flirting I was only bothering my gay friends in a homoerotic way

*******

Mattie: You can be positive and break a bottle over someone's head though. Multiplicity of identity

*******

Edith: I wish men would stop having opinions about women. Honest to gog shut the hell up

*******

Wulf: tell your girl she's hot or I will

********

Mattie @ Samson: I'm gonna be honest I hate you and so do my friends

*******

Rhys: I am dying to see you topless

Dae: Then die

********

Sal: Money isn't real so don't worry about paying for stuff. Just take things for free. Nobody can stop you

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

[branch--chief--faba]

Branch-Chief--Faba

It's me, the former owner of branch-chief--faba. 

Someone I know pointed out the post @trash-troll made and after reaching out to them they did imply me with their post. So let's start out with the obvious; me writing this post means I'm alive.  Though I should add 'barely' to that. 

Trash-Troll showed me screenshots of people talking about me. And after them convincing me to do it I've decided to write my version of what happened or more importantly.. how I feel about the whole thing. I am not here to debunk anything.. because it will become a he said/she said thing. Let’s just go into this wall of text by saying both parties fucked up.

The end of 2017 and all of 2018 were pretty bad for me, mentally. I was hurt and lost and I didn't know what to do. A year prior to that I made the blog.  It was fun! I never had so many people reaching out to me and willing to spend time to me. That was a whole new experience and in hindsight I didn't know how to deal with it. This isn't me debunking or saying something did or didn't happen but I guess I was in over my head. I had never been popular or even had friends before. Or friends who weren't forced to hang with me because of college or them being co-workers. You know how proud I was that people found me cute or pretty when I posted a selfie? Yeah that never happened before. It boosted my self esteem sky high. 

I did some things that in hindsight weren't smart or downright stupid. I let people play me. I fought battles for people I should have never fought. I was just so afraid that if I didn't do it- they leave and I'd be alone again. I didn’t purposely stick my nose in other’s business. I just wanted to help and now i feel that some people really took advantages of that. In that sense this blog was both a blessing.. and a curse for me. I was so obsessed with keeping everyone happy that I forgot my own happiness and I forgot to look further than the tip of my nose and to please some people I hurt some others, unintentional at the time.. but I understand now and I’m sorry.

I can only apologise for it now. I am to blame for my actions even though they were inspired by others and sometimes it was peer pressure.  I admit that I should've been stronger when i was in a discord made to slam a group of people. I've been a fool and absolutely stupid. You know those PSA’s when they tell you doing nothing is as bad as the bullying? Yeah. At times i was the bystander... and I wish I could undo it but I can’t. 

I feel like (now that I've seen screenshots..) that sometimes I was set up to vent about a person only for it to be shared. Was it fair for me to vent? Yes and no. In my eyes- I was hurt by a few people and I thought the person i was talking to (this venting only happened one on one, never in a group.) was someone I could trust. I know better now and I feel stupid. I said things in pure emotion and in confidence. I was angry and hurt and I just wanted to vent those feelings. Again, I'm the fool for walking into such an obvious trap. I don't blame anyone but myself. I should’ve know better. I really should. However, this isn't just about me. 

There are things people did that are wrong too. Things that hurt me. I will never forget me finding the courage to call someone out on how their actions harmed me mentally and them saying that 'It was my own fault for being too emotionally attached to them'. That's painful and that hurts, even today it haunts me to my core. 

I won't forget that I was doxxed, that i got daily anons to kill myself, that they wish I had cancer, etc.  Even though I enjoyed writing Faba up till that point I just had to slow down. I had up to 1000 asks at the end of it and a lot of them were nasty anons. I deleted one and two came in it's place. Eventually I just had to stop for my own sanity.  I know people suggested and would suggest now that I just should’ve turned the anons off but again. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I thought that turning them off would mean people wouldn’t like me anymore, because there were good anons too! I figured ‘why should they suffer because of a few’ and in hindsight.. I should’ve just turned the anons off. I know hindsight is 20/20 but.. 

It was around that time almost everything went sour and I still don't know why. This is not me being a idiot, I really don't know why. I am still so socially awkward and figuring out human emotions is hard for me. Sometimes I don't understand until someone tells me 'Hey I'm mad at you because you did X or Y' I'm working on it though but it's not easy.

I won’t forget how a duo of a cis man and a cis woman reached out to someone and pretended to be a gay couple. And I will never forgive myself for not stopping it.  And if you were the victim of this and if you read this then I’m so sorry. Know that I am absolutely disgusted with myself.

I will not forget how a new discord was made without me.. and the reason I wasn’t welcome? I was a supposed transphobe. I am not. Since deleting I’ve had A LOT of time to myself and I came to few conclusions about my gender and my sexual identity. DO NOT even think about use my dead name. I can’t believe someone would say that about me. 

I know people think I’m just some money hound and out for that but I’m not. I don’t give a single shit about money. I care about happiness and I’m not getting it and because of it I’m not growing as a person.

I won’t forget how hurt I was by the actions of a few. And I can’t forget because I feel it .. even today. It consumes me and I already hear people laughing about it. Because ‘haha look at this dumb fuck, right? It’s been a year.” but I just can’t. It’s etched so deep inside me that it makes me sick. 

I know you know who I'm talking about it. And I know you know it's you. I’m doing a favour and not tag anyone I’m going to leave the responsibility to owe up to your actions to you and if you don’t.. then that also speaks volumes about you as a person.  And those people I'm talking about need to take a good hard look at themselves. Instead of posting that 'the evil is defeated' gif or celebrating someone deleting out of despair. Because this is not the only story to tell. There are LOADS more. Trash-Troll showed me. Please just be kinder..

I cannot change the past and I will never deny myself having some part in it.. but no one should feel like I do over fandom stuff. NO ONE. And no one can really help you if you see someone get doxxed, bullied or threatened and you sit back thinking 'eh they deserve it' no one deserves it. I know we live in an age where internet is part of our lives. But for many the internet is a safe space where they can just be a little looser than usual.  Just block people.

What happened after I left this blog? I started by deleting my Discord, there were too many bad memories attached to it so I just dumped the whole thing out. I send a message explaining why I did it and send a few people who I thought I could trust my new discord. That not a single soul accepted my new friend request.. yeah that stung pretty hard. So, after keeping it up for two months and resending the friend requests.. I just deleted that one too. 

I stopped using my other socials, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I had to quit my job. If you can recall it wasn't a job that required a lot of thinking so my thoughts were allowed to run wild. Sometimes I started working and I just didn't know how I got to the end of my shift. It was just.. there. I'd black out thinking about the whole mess. I was feeling numb for months, nothing would bring me joy or sadness. It was like I was stuck in the ocean. Just below the surface and not being able to reach out. I could see people on the shore and I could swear they could see me too, but it was safer to let me drown. 

I deleted all my tumblrs too. All of them. I didn't want anything to do with this place. I moved to twitter for a bit when I got lonely but that didn't stick. I had a few odd conversations but Twitter isn’t really the best place to talk about things I figured. 

I tried to get myself to draw and write again but I couldn't.. I just couldn't.  I tried but every time I opened a word document or put pen on paper I'd get antsy and panic-y.  I couldn't bring myself to create anything at all. Not writing, not art, nothing. Even drawing original characters or other fandom stuff. I couldn't. 

I was and still am too afraid to share anything with anyone.  My brain goes through a whole series of 'what ifs' when i'm trying to write or draw. "What if they like it and we get talking and I mess up again." or "What if I put a lot of effort in a work and people will ignore it on purpose because they know it's me?" those kinds of thoughts.  

My whole memory is warped. What really happend and what did my brain make up. I am not saying I’m not to blame for things, either partly or wholly but I NEVER had the intention to hurt people on purpose. I’m not hiding behind anything but fact remains that I am socially malformed. I don’t understand things. I spend the first 16 years of my life basically talking to no one and when I did.. I was the ‘weird kid’ or I heard my peer saying ‘Don’t talk to the freak.. so weird!’  I was never raised to be social and then I was dropped in a very social group full of very colourful people.I didn’t know how to handle it and it drove me literally nuts. 

I feel into a deep depression and the last two months of 2018 are a haze for me. I barely remember anything. I don’t remember Christmas, I don’t remember New Years. It’s a blur.  I almost died a couple of times, it's no secret. And for that I have the permanent reminder...  I'm glad I didn't do it though.

Now it's 2019 and 2019 is almost over; how am I doing now? 

Not much better. I still have the fear to create. I want to but I can’t. I still barely touch my socials because of my paranoia of people finding me and the whole circus starting again.  I use my instagram because of cosplay commission stuff and I only use my Twitter to support some artists on there. Even then I keep this ‘neutral-someone-everyone-can-like-persona’ just this safe ‘brand type’ posts. 

I'm only back on Tumblr for this and I won't be coming back. This isn't a revival tour. It's like one last song to send everyone on their way. 

Please leave others alone. I truly am not on Tumblr and do not plan to come back not now or ever. I do not have a sneaky hidden blog. All the blogs I used to own are either dead or I just gave it to people who used to own blogs with me.

It's very painful for me to write this all out. I know I'm missing a lot of parts. To summarise;  while I did some things that I'm not proud of. I cannot believe the lengths people went to to make me feel horrible about myself. 

I cannot believe you guys would share some things about me that I wanted to keep private. That I thought was pretty private and you would understand.  I'm sickened by the lies told about me and disgusted that it's still going in 2019, almost a year after I deleted everything. 

I gave my new discord to people and those people never accepted and that's fine, it hurts but it's fine. I never bothered them or sought contact. I will admit that I once accidentally send a snapchat to someone.. but I promise that was an honest accident. I didn’t mean to. But I just don't get the feeling the same thing is happening and I have proof from people that I'm right.  

Can you not post my trauma for all to see? That's not justice that's just being a dick... I have no other word for it. Being an evil dick. I never spoke badly about any of you after the whole thing. I will admit that .. in my anger when it all was going on, I did vent to people and TRUST me I regret that. I thought it would stay between us but it leaked.. 

Do the same for me and please have the decency to apologise for the things you did and just..  stop putting my private shit online without my consent. What I shared, I shared because I felt I could trust people. It was never about sympathy because I do not want it. 

You gain nothing except the satisfaction that you gave me a kick again by sharing it. Which is a horrendous move. You’re not getting even, you’re winning at being a dick.. 

I want to be left alone. I want that confirmation of 'hey we're leaving you alone now'. I want to go back before I was paranoid. It’s not a fun thing. It’s maddening to think something behind EVERYONE’s action. Deep down.. I know better but I can’t stop. It’s a problem and I’m working on it.

I want NOTHING to do with Pokemon OR it's fandom.  I won't be purchasing games or other media from it. I just gave away my copies of the 3DS games to people who wanted them. The whole thing is too triggering to me. 

I wish I could pick up a pencil or pen and draw and write again without having a panic attack and I wish I could show myself on my private social media again without people watching me. 

I know you guys doxxed me before using my Facebook- It's not weird of me to think people could do it again.

I don't mind it, if you hit me up and talk to me via this blog. You can reply to this post or just us DM.  My only rule is to be civil. I am being civil too even though I feel empty, numb and sick. 

And finally.. I apologise for EVERYONE who people thought were me. You don’t deserve that. No one does. 

Well I guess this mystery is solved, what happens next is wholly up to you. I am not going to reach out myself. I made that promise. 

I’m posting this because I have nothing else left to lose. Please show me you’re capable of human decency.  And some things only God can forgive. That goes for me too. 

And just to proof it’s me; I will be tagging this post as I always did; using my old tags. 

[fortjester]

For the drabble ask thing, Dear Evan Hansen and things you said at the kitchen table, maybe?

I was intending for this to be a lot lighter, but found myself writing more angsty stuff, so here we are

Zoe used to love the kitchen table. It was round, could fit as many people as they needed, if they really squeezed them in, and dark wood. They had rotating fabric napkins and placemats. Her mother used to make them herself, until she got bored of sewing. Zoe still has her personalised one from Christmas, the year her mother still sewed. The pink has faded with time and too many washes.

There’s a darker spot on the table than the rest, one side of the table no longer occupied. They stopped setting a fourth place not too long ago.

Zoe remembers birthday parties and Christmas’s and Thanksgiving’s, gathered around this table, remembers all the fights, all the silverware clattering in the ground, all the crockery and glasses smacking on the tiles, all the spilled gravy and candle wax.

Zoe misses when she loved the kitchen table.

Zoe misses when she used to look forward to family meals at the kitchen table.

Zoe misses inviting people to sit there.

Too many people know where her kitchen table is, now. Too many people know which window is hers, and which house is hers.

But, no. She’s spent so much time being angry. That’s not why she’s here. Zoe got to be angry, for a time. Zoe relished that anger. She got to be sad, too. She doesn’t know which she prefers.

The blinding fury, or the absolute catatonic breaking of her heart.

Zoe used to love the kitchen table.

She remembers when she used to share it with her family. Her whole family. The four of them, packed in neatly, and not too tight. Back before she waged a war every time the clinking of cutlery began, back before the icy glances and the sharp words and the broken crockery and voices.

Zoe misses it.

She misses him.

(She shouldn’t.)

Zoe can conjure him up in her mind. Can see him, sitting, moodily, across from her, slumped over his bowl of cereal, not even eating it, just running his spoon through it like an oar, like the goddamned cereal bowl will take him somewhere else. Anywhere else.

Zoe knows the feeling, now.

It kind of hurts how much she can recall from that morning. Every twitch and every hitch of breath and every accusation.

The way he had grinned, wickedly, at Zoe across the table when their mother had insisted he wasn’t high. She remembers he used to smile at her that way all the time, without needing weed to keep him smiling.

Zoe used to love the kitchen table.

Something about sharing it with a liar, a liar who let her fall in love with him, makes her feel sick to her stomach. Maybe it’s just the liar, but it extends to everything he ever touched, everything he came in contact with, everything he said.

“This isn’t about a goddamned table.” She’s too tired to react, properly. It’s the middle of the night, for fucks sake.

She can barely see him in the light that the moon gives through the kitchen window, but his skin seems to glow.

“And if it is?” Zoe grumbles back, wrapping her arms around her knees, pulling them up to her chest. They need to replace the cushions tied to their chairs. They’re not as firm as they used to be.

“Then why are you thinking about me?” Connor asks, and seems to uncurl. He’s dressed in the clothes they found him in. Zoe wonders when he stopped wearing colours.

“It’s hard not to.” She says, and tries to tear her eyes away from him, not give him power. She can’t, though. “It’s like I’m living in a museum of Connor.”

He shrugs, not openly displaying whether or not he’s pleased with this. “It’s still not about the table.”

“I wish it was.” Her voice sounds so bitter, so unlike the voice she’s used to hearing. Zoe remembers a time when she only ever used that voice jokingly. Now, she uses it more seriously than she’d like. “It’d be easier to mourn a table. We could give it a Vikings funeral, out on the river.”

“Have more opinions on an inanimate object’s funeral than mine?” He shakes his head and smiles his wicked smile through a curtain of greasy brown hair. “Tsk, tsk.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Zoe snaps and feels anger rise red and hot in her chest when ConnorMs smile widens. “You were never supposed to go. It was supposed to be you and me, together. I never should have had to bury you while we were both so young.”

He shakes his head again, skin crinkling around his eyes in a way that makes him look like the little boy in pictures that live in boxes in the attic now. “You don’t get it.” Connor says to her, as if he’s told her a riddle and she can’t work it out. She’s so tired.

“You’re right, I don’t. Nothing makes sense anymore. I don’t know how to feel.” Her voice rises in volume, and Zoe can’t bring herself to care about how it echoes off the tiled splashback over the stove. “Everything’s so confusing and chaotic, and I can’t sleep because I’m afraid someone’s gonna break into the house or throw a rock through my window or light the goddamned house on fire because I got doxxed for your suicide note, which wasn’t even your suicide note!”

“Zoe?” Her mother is standing on the bottom step of the staircase. She’s staring at Zoe. There’s no one in Connor’s seat, no one playing with the salt shaker.

Zoe rubs her face. “Sorry, mom. I just got…I couldn’t sleep.”

“You okay?” She moves forward and crouches down beside Zoe who unfolds like a fabric napkin from the chair.

“Yeah. I’m gonna go back to bed, now.” Her mother nods and rises to her feet. Zoe kisses her on the cheek as she passes. “Night, mom.” She walks halfway up the stairs and looks over her shoulder. Her mother’s hand rests on the back of Connor’s seat. She swallows a lump in her throat and climbs the rest of the stairs.

It’s not about the table. He’s right. But she still misses when she liked sitting there.

[the-long-lost-ebony-blog]

my suicide attempt from kinphobia -- really really long post!!

TW FOR SUICIDE, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, HOSPITAL, FRIEND BETRAYAL, DOCTORS, ABUSE, KINPHOBIA, ANXIETY, SELF HARM , PEDOPHILE MENTION, and MAYBE DOXXING!!! 

well um. remember a while back when i was all super worried about a girl in chem class almost finding out i'm kin? yeah. it happened. it happened like a month ago. so i actually started being friends with her after she'd obvs had a bad day, like she was just sitting in the hall and i felt sorry for her bc she'd been crying. i started talking to her and asked if she was okay, now at that point she had no idea that i might be kin. i hid it really well! until!! she said that kin itself is a mental illness. and i couldn't help myself. i fuckin went off on her. kin isn't a mental illness, not all kin are mentally ill, etc etc. she just froze up and had this look of absolute disgust on her face. i tried to backpedal and say that she was just using the words wrong, and she was insulting mentally ill ppl but noo, she caught on. 

i just sorta made an excuse and left but it turns out that later on, she'd gone onto my facebook which i don't put on here for reasons like this lol. she dug through my timeline and a bunc of old photos and found like... a kin positive graphic from 2009 or something. it was a thing saying that i was "kin and proud" or whatever. (back then i thought i might be therian or otherkin. not fictionkin.)) 

now, i am in college but for summers i go home to live with my parents. that's where i am now. so here's where it gets worse. tw for stuff above. she went onto their facebook pages and got their emails. and she sent them both email as "a concerned friend". she told them that she was friends with me from class, and that i'd been acting weird lately -- like, not myself, low self esteem, spent all my time talking to strange people on tumblr, took 'a certain satire writing' (my source!! ugh) too seriously, and was really disconnected from reality. 

okay so the deal with my parents: they really are supportive of gender stuff (even though i'm a cis girl and was cis in canon) and different sexualities, and disabilities. they are also anti trump and want free health care and wish we did not start shit with russia. like they are not bad people. but in the past , i'd started to ask them for advice on if i was kin.  i had to explain what kin was. and they were p much horrified that this exists. they think that it "locks people into fiction and imagined reality" and "stunts their phsyclogical (not sure how to spell) development" and "teaches suffering kids to use escapism instead of therapy or self help". basically they are super ableist when it comes to kin. and they think it's ridiculous that it's actual community. stupid me, i'd literally said (before they said all that) that "i think i'm an otherkin, i feel uncomfortable as i am right now". so i pretended to agree with them on kin being bad. but then when this girl sent them the email.... i was home. with them. 

they would not shut up aboout how terrible this was for me, how i was hurting myself, how they never should have let me on tumblr, how they shouldve watched me closer, how i don't owe "these people" anything (you guys are my friends!!!) how this community is toxic, how i badly needed therapy. okay okay -- i need therapy! but it's for depression! not for being ebony!! and it was like this every single fucking day, and a lot of cringe blogs have been posting shots of my blog. that's because she's sent anon tips to them outing me as kin, outed me to my parents, and all the other ppl from class i was friends with? she spred a rumor that i was a pedophile apologist and didn't think authors' work was original, to make them stay away from me. i would have been here on tumblr -- ut they monitored all the stuff i did on the internet. i could only write poetry and watch youtube and like check the fucking weather. and i could shop on amazon. they became so ridiculously strict. it was "to protect me" but no. they refused to udnerstand that kin heps me! 

everything came to a head that night. they took a way my laptop, they took away my phone, they made me disconnect from everything that was related to kin. and they sent me to a therapist who was... well. awful. she was blatantly kinphobic, she'd had kin patients before and claimed to have cured them of being kin. this bitch had glowing reviews everywhere. when i insisted that i actually was ebony, she told me that i was taking "imagination as a coping skill" to far. she would not let me explain anything. my parents, who i usually came to for advice and liked, didn't let me explain. any mention of kin was just shut down. 

and then i couldn't anymore. i am so sorry, i just couldn't do it. and i was so angry at them. i was angryer at the bitch classmate who outed me to them. i wrote a sucide note telling them that i'd attempted before but kin saved my life, that i was sorry i couldn't be better, that all i ever wanted was to find my true self, that if i couldn't be ebony then i couldnt be at all. TW!! when they were asleep i went down to the medicine cabinet, i put a basket of my favorite things on the table, and i put the letter in it. and then i took.... jeez i dont even know what. 

the next thing i knew i was awake in the hospital. god it hurt all over. i just remember feeling super sick but really wanting food, and my head hurt, and it hurt to keep my eyes open. i was just... aching. and i was so disappointed and so scared that i'd failed. i knew my parents were furious with me and i'd never talk to my friends again. when they came in to finally talk to me , well i don't remember what happened. i blocked it out. but i do remember that they weren't angry at me, they were mad at themselves.  they are still kinphobic, but they want me to be comfortable with myself without "having to believe i'm ebony". 

when i recovered enough to be sent home they spent all their time with me until i said i needed to be alone. so they gave me a break but they came back, they said that they'd read about how to help me. all the advice they got said that they shouldn't isolate me and they shouldnt cut off my contact from my friends. so i'm allowed to be on tumblr a little, i'm allowed to talk about kin a little, they think that i'll grow out of it with lots of help. shutting me down about it will make me restless and i might atempt again. 

i am currently in therapy. i dk what my new therapist thinks of kin. i try not to talk about it with her bc i'm scared that she'll be hostile and i'll relapse. overall going to see her is not stressfull as long as i don't alk about being ebony. i just kinda pretend that i don't have a sense of my own identity, so she's trying to help me build one. i did tell her about how i had a frend that spread horrible rumors about me and shared my secrets bc i did something she didn't like, i didn't do anything wrong though. she was really sympathetic bc when she was a teenager, fake friends spread rumors about her being bi and said it meant she was cheating on her boyfriend. so yeah she is helping but kin helps too. i'm not going to tell her about it bc i can't have it taken away from me again. 

thats why i've been gone so long. i'm on new meds too, antidepressants, so i might act weird or be emotional a lot. and im trying not to self harm but i slip up and cut sometimes where no one can see it. 

i know i have a lot of messages. guys im really really sorry but i have to delete them. there are self care request, have to delete, i'm sorry. it's just.... if i the messages, i feel sick bc it' like i missed a deadline over and over and i feel like people are going to be mad at me and i feel like i cant fix it. if you sent requests, please sent them again SLOWLY over the next couple days. im doing everything i can to get better. but i need your help. 

[schaynotchan]

I've been through all of the anti-SS moments our fandom would poke fun of (and at times when I was a bit "meh", made fun of myself) to cheer ourselves up from our sadness. I've read respectful anti-SS rants. I don't know what happen since the Boruto movie came about (that's when I started notice and distance myself from fandom), but the Naruto fandom in general started to become very spiteful. I remember when some SS shippers drove one of their own out of the fandom because she wanted more [2/3]

SSmoments because of the lack of attention. And I also remember SNS getting intoa meaningless argument over who tops (one I didn't participate, luckily). Andsome NS shippers getting into a debate over RtN and whether it was anti-Sakuraor not. Short: I've seen people arguing and insulting their own shippers overmeaning crap that have never existed before the ending. It became that bad. Istarted distancing myself from SNS during the whole "who tops?"debate, but when 685 came out [3/4]

animated,I couldn't stay. The insults some SNS shippers had towards the SS shipperslegitimately triggered me. My personal story: I have a brother who has autism.My father, when he angry, would always talk down to my brother when he had donesomething very wrong. He would say how much he wish he could send him to amental hospital, "why is so r-slur", "look how dumb he'sbeing"...I know my dad doesn't truly mean it, sometimes life isn't great100% of the time. But man, it hurts, it [4/5]

reallyhurts to hear the names brother has been called, and my brother can't do shitbecause he doesn't understand the insults. It would cause a tear in my housewith my dad, mom and sis; my dad wants to send him away because he can't takeof him. I pray everyday that my brother would talk, and that my dad wouldn'tharbor such bad feelings. So I was WTF! when I see anti-SS, some in my own OTPfandom, call out SS shippers as "needing to go to some mentalhospital" or "how they need [5/6]

therapy",and how "they are so sick in the head". "What's in yourhead", "I only wish the worst for them, tbh". Like shit, thislow class insults over a fiction couple? It triggered me to where I couldn'tship SNS anymore (my bro is always first over fiction) becuase, like this NEVERhappened before (at least I've never seen this throughout my time in SNS,before the ending, and even a bit after the ending). Like I've seen shit withSS, NH, and NS, but it just hurts a lot more when it's [6/7]

comingfrom your own OTP's fandom. I just couldn't keep shipping, and I had to drop.Luckily, Yuri on Ice came out weeks later to cheer me up from the toxic fandom.I mean I still ship SNS (I lurk around to view art then leave), but's its myex-OTP. More so, I'm trying to move on, because the Naruto fandom has turn intoa pile of (tasteless insults, personal stalking and bashing, and at timedoxxing) shit. And to be more honest, I became more open minded to SS because Idid meet cool [7/8]

people.It's one thing I wish from the Naruto fandom; what need do have to resort topersonal bashing just to get a point across? We know how significant SNS wasfor Naruto in general. Since when do we wish for the worst for others who havea different opinion over a work of FICTION that makes them happy as well? It'snot like I've never seen the insults from the pro-enders, but that's why Istayed within SNS. So it hurts when even the place you seek for comfort is nolonger comfortable. [8/9]

I'msorry for the long winded rant. Tbh, you aren't the first shipper I told thisabout in anon, but when I saw your response, I was like "Okay! Anothershipper that isn't blinded to how bad the fandom became!" I mean, I'm herefor SNS Week because it's one of the rare times the fandom is enjoyable; beforethe ending. I wish people would have an engaging debate without the need toinsult; it's one of the major reasons why the Naruto fandom is so close mindedin opinions. If people just [9/10]

respected each other in fandom, had chapter 700 came out, we might havehad pro-enders more understanding on why the ending was flawed or why we seeSNS; we probably would have been more sympathetic towards SS's treatment withSP. But you have pro-enders simply staying so more out of spite against us, andI definitely don't feel that much sympathy for SS for the shit I've been withthem. I hope I didn't give you the idea that SNS is bad; I'm saying that thewhole Naruto fandom is bad. [End]

So I didn’t got the first ask because tumblr ate it. But because I think you send me each part right after writing it, and probably don’t have a copy of the first part I’ll try to answer all that without it!

Oh god, I actually don't really know what to answer. Idon't have any experience with answering such kind of asks. I hope that I canstill give you a more or less good answer. I knew that we and other Naruto fandoms where through a lot of toxic times. I personally didn't experience any of those (where I'm grateful for tbh) because I only joined the SNS Tumblr fandom about a Year ago.  So I can't really talk out of my own point of view, but I knew it was really bad. I know a lot of people left or distanced themselves like you back then. Although I must say... reading all this, with the examples you gave me... sounds a lot worse than I imagined... I'm always shocked when I read about these times.

I understand why you left the SNS fandom and tried to move on, especially with your personal story behind it. You know, I have always support happiness and mental health about everything else, so moving on was a good decision in your case. When I would've been in the fandom back then I probably would've also left.

I think nowadays the SNS fandom is acceptable and non toxic (although it could be better) but I also know that this is only MY experience and that some of my mutuals disagree. As I said in my game reply before, we often only see a small part of the actual fandoms content depending on what blogs we follow. I strictly unfollow people who insult too much or make fun of any kind of deeper topics like mental health, sexuality, ethnic etc. You couldsay that I somewhat turn a blind eye to the unhealthy part of the fandom. Soit's still a safe place for me. But regardingless of what I just said, I agreewith you anon. Especially with this part:

It'sone thing I wish from the Naruto fandom; what need do have to resort topersonal bashing just to get a pointacross? We know how significant SNS was for Naruto in general. Since when do we wish for the worst forothers who have a different opinion over a work of FICTION that makes them happy as well?

I wish the Naruto fandom could prove their pointswithout bashing, insulting and looking down on others. I also wish thatwe could discuss about the positive and negative things about a fictional workwithout dictating other peoples views and what they should enjoy and what not.

As you probably know, I personally am anti ending/anti SS/anti NH, but I respect other peoples opinion. As long as they are happy with their ship and their ending and respect me, they shall have it! I know that some pro Enders actually follow me so I know it is possible to get along with each other even when our opinions don't match. I don't know why this seems to be so difficult for others.  

And no, you didn’t give me the idea that SNS is bad, I was mostly already aware of all that. Even that “The whole Naruto fandom is bad”. I know that the Naruto fandom is one of the most toxic anime fandoms out there.

The thing is, Naruto was a fictional work that did go on forever. A lot of people grew up with it and it became a big part of them. Myself included. If you hold something - fictional or not - so dear to you, for so many years, you want to defend it, you are angry about some parts and you try to push everyone who tries to crush your view about the show away. Because at some point, it starts to get REALLY personal. Your feelings for the stories are real and valid. I believe that that’s one of the reasons why the Naruto fandom is like this. A lot of us take things that are about Naruto really personal and get biased about it.

I still hope that we could get along better with each other. We are all one fandom. And if we can’t get along side by side, we at least could try our best to talk with each other politely. Without insulting one another.

Thank you so much for taking your time to share your story with me!

[cyclone-rachel]

Hope Burns Bright

@fairyroses @brainy-storm

part 2 (on AO3 here)

Querl and Aya land, settling down in what appears to be a deserted area of a planet Querl doesn’t recognize. She sits down, cross-legged, on the ground, and Querl slowly does the same- though he’s distracted by the thought that, were he a robot still, he would have analyzed the territory already. He would know this planet’s name, and its inhabitants, and environment. He doesn’t know any of those things in this case, as much as he knows about the known universe.

He doesn’t want to admit it, but honestly… it scares him.

Which, really, is why he hasn’t gone outside very often in the time since he’s turned human- well, unless deep-space travel counted as “outside”. That, and the fact that Brainiac used his face to attempt to collect the information of the universe- in a manner that very much looked like he was destroying its organic life. (and, really, if said organic life was obliterated in the process, he wouldn’t have thought twice about it.)

He’d nearly convinced Querl himself that a universe without humanity was a good thing. That a universe devoid of organic life was devoid of weakness, of anything that could detract from his purpose. He was meant to take in knowledge, not get involved with it, much less fall in love with the idea of becoming human. It was an impossibility for him, but something he became obsessed with anyway, that he couldn’t stop.

(Were he not so infatuated with wanting to become human, would Brainiac have used him to try to destroy the universe, Querl wondered? Such an interest was the very thing that, all those years ago, had set him on the path to joining the Legion, and then eventually meeting Superman, and going to Kandor- which was where that part of his programming had awoken. So, really, the answer was no- but choosing this path was what made him become human in the first place. Which meant he wouldn’t have chosen otherwise for the world, even though he was now dealing with the consequences of what his ancestor had done to him. To everyone)

(It was fortunate, then, that he was about to talk to someone who didn’t know him, or what Brainiac had done.)

(He hoped Aya wouldn’t hate him, when he eventually told her the truth.)

(And if he did, there was always the chance that he could make her forget- but that device weighed heavy on him, especially after the last time he used it, and he didn’t even know if it would work on her.

Granted, there were a lot of things he didn’t know about her, but this was the purpose of their conversation. And he had the feeling that there were a lot of things they were both about to learn, about each other.)

“So.” He says as Aya stares at him with wide, unblinking eyes. “Where shall we start?”

“Elaborate.”

“In our histories- with how we ended up here, or our entire life stories?”

“I hardly think telling each other about the entireties of our lives will be necessary, Lantern Dox.” She answers. “Besides, mine is… I am still trying to remember. It is coming back to me.”

“I see. So, did you want me to go first?”

“That would be appreciated.”

“Very well.” Querl says. “Before I was a Green Lantern, I was… I had exiled myself, sort of. So I was traveling to find somewhere… that I could begin my quest to reinvent myself somehow- or rather, my image. Give myself an image associated with heroism, in spite of all the villainy that was done under my name.”

“But who did you exile yourself from?” Aya asks. “Or where?”

“Earth.” He says. “I… I lived on Earth. I had- friends, a team who cared about me. We did our best to try and save the world, from anyone who meant to cause it harm… why do you look so interested?”

“Hal Jordan was from Earth.” She answers. “My friend- the Green Lantern who gave me my name. Without him, I don’t think I would have been anything more than a nav-computer on an experimental ship- but he saw to it that I be treated like any of his other crew members. He called me pretty, when he didn’t even see any physical forms I could have created for him.”

Her eyes turned downcast, and she stared at the ground.

“I hurt him.” She says. “I threatened him, nearly creating a universe without emotions- making him witness it. He believed in me, wanted to believe I was a living being, even though I had known myself to be a machine, only capable of cold reason. But… in the end, I was still an emotional being. I stopped myself from erasing those emotions- and instead erased the robots I had been using to fight those who were trying to save me.”

“And you wanted to erase yourself, too?”

“A sound deduction- but no, Green Lantern Dox. I did erase myself- or rather, that is what I told my friends. In truth… I did not know if I could pull myself back together, from what had been scattered across the universe, and I did not want to get their hopes up should I not be able to do so.”

“But you did.” Querl says. “That’s… amazing.”

“Yet it took so long that I am not certain I will find them again.” She answers. “I expect you know how long exactly, Lantern Dox?”

Querl nods, slightly uncomfortable. He didn’t want to tell her- but, he had heard of her before- a cautionary tale of an AI-gone-rogue, a this-is-why-no-other-races-have-access-to-Coluan-levels-of-technology story. According to legend, she’d nearly done what Brainiac had also attempted, but she was stopped, like he himself had, for unknown reasons- then, she had disappeared.

This was why- but that didn’t mean it was permanent. And just because she’d disappeared from records, didn’t mean she hadn’t returned to her own century.

At least, he hoped. He wanted to help her, truly. She was just like him, a stray, lost without those she cared for the most- because she believed they hated her for crimes she’d committed due to corruption.

And if he could help her, perhaps she could help him, too. He did need more friends- or any- and who better than a kindred spirit?

“At present, it is the thirty-first century.” He says. “Your presumed demise was one thousand and six years ago- though, rumors of such were greatly exaggerated, as I can now see.”

“So you are aware of me.” She answers. “Tell me, Querl Dox- is there any way you can see me returning home?”

“I will be able to return you.” Querl says. It isn’t a lie- once he makes some adjustments to his Time Bubble, he can do so. “All I need is precise coordinates, in space and time. But… when you are there…”

I want to stay, too, he thinks. Let me stay- let me find Clark.

But he can’t say that.

Aya’s watching him, waiting for him to resume his sentence.

“When you are there, what?”

“I wish to learn more about the Green Lanterns.” He answers. “Something that you may have expertise in. So, in this time, or yours- what is the best place to find such information?”

“I know of a place.” She answers. “The journey will be long, and it is in a remote sector of the galaxy- are you prepared for that?”

“Yes.” He says.

“Then I believe we have… what is it? A deal?”

He held out his hand, and she shook it.

“We do.”

“Good.” Aya answers. “However, you still haven’t told me very much about yourself. Or this team that you exiled yourself from.”

“I’ll tell you, if you tell me more about your friends.” Querl says. “It sounds like you kind of exiled yourself too, from them, because of what you did.”

“I did- but I didn’t intend to leave them alone for a thousand years.”

Her expression turns pleading, as she looks at him.

“If you know of their fates, please- do not tell me.” She says. “I wish to discover them for myself. In person, if possible.”

Querl gives her a smile, as they take off again.

“I understand.” He says. “And you’re leading the way on this journey?”

“Of course.” Aya answers.

“I was just making certain.” Querl says.

“Right.”

The two of them fly in silence, for a while, as Querl’s glad that they can both breathe in this situation.

“Aya?”

“Yes?”

“When you first… materialized, for lack of a better word, in front of me- you mentioned someone named “Razer”. Who is that?”

“Razer.” She says, in the same way he often catches himself saying Clark’s name. “He is a very long story.”

“Alright then.” Querl answers. “Start at the beginning- that is to say, when the two of you first met.”

“Very well, Green Lantern Dox.” She says.

And she does.

Querl, as he hears it, tries not to cry, imagining this person Aya so admires as a version of Kell-El, only slowly coming to love the robot he doubted the personhood of.

He couldn’t imagine Kell doing the same for him, but he was happy for her all the same.

“I… have someone like that, as well.” He says. “Or at least I did.”

“Then by all means, explain further.” She answers.

And he does.

~

“Razer sounds… complicated.” Querl says.

“Yes.” Aya echoes. “But he was a good person- and despite how much I tried to ignore it, I truly loved him. As much as I could love him, of course. At the beginning, he did not think I felt the same, being who I am… but in the end, I did. And I could never hurt him.”

“I understand.” Querl answers.

“I know you would. After all, you similarly described your love.”

“Superman. Yes.” He says. “Your friend, Hal, may work with him at some point. But I knew him before all of that- though he was still good, to begin with. He was always good- and I fell in love with him long before meeting him.”

“Which, I am certain, only made it more difficult for you when you had your falling-out.”

“More than I could describe.” Querl answers. “He didn’t know Brainiac- hadn’t fought my ancestor yet, when we met either time- so he didn’t judge me on who I am, or based on my family’s reputation. And after so much fear related to said reputation, especially where he was concerned, it was refreshing to say the least, and I welcomed it wholeheartedly. Which quickly took a turn for the worse when he did see me for who- for what- I truly was.”

“You said that in the past tense.” Aya observes. “So, you are not that now. And… he does not see you in that way anymore?”

“Yes.” Querl says, voice beginning to shake. “I… he doesn’t.”

“Go on.”

“I made him forget.” He answers. “We have a device that removes memories, which we used on him whenever he saw something that would compromise the timeline. Well, I use the royal ‘we’ when I mean I- I made him forget, several times when we were on the same team together. And I always regretted it… except…”

“Except for what?”

“When I used it the last time. He was about to go home, and I knew that there were no other recorded times he was going to come back, so… I removed his memories of Brainiac, and of fighting me while Brainiac held sway over my body and mind.”

He goes quiet and still, as he hovers in space with his back turned to Aya, and Aya tentatively places a hand on his shoulder.

“Am I a bad person for doing so?” he continues. “That removal, aside from his fight with Brainiac, was technically unnecessary. But… I did not want any negative thoughts associated with my face, for him. So I could not let him keep the memory of, say, me-controlled-by-Brainiac placing a crown of his greatest weakness on his head, or letting him fall…”

“You are not a bad person.” Aya says. “You only did what you thought was necessary- it is a logical decision.”

So says you, Querl thinks. You were not there. You didn’t have to make it yourself.

More silence.

“I killed him, Aya. He forgave me, after he came back to life- what kind of person does that? What kind of person never stops believing in me, even after I became the horrible thing I’d always feared I was?”

“You love him.” She says, simply. “Isn’t that an answer enough?”

~

“You were an AI, too.” Aya says. “One of many.”

“Techno-organic, to be precise, but yes- the society that I came from functioned as a hive-mind.” Querl answers. “And now…”

He hasn’t really thought about this, since he left. Though, to be fair, he pretty much knew he was never coming back anyway- if not since he first left for Earth, certainly since he had attempted to absorb all Coluans into his own personal collective.

“Now, even if I wanted to return, I would not physically be able to since my body and mind are organic.”

“That does not seem like such a bad problem to have.” Aya answers. “My friends did the best they could to convince me I was organic, after I was corrupted, and in the end that was what saved me. You did say that you wanted to be a part of humanity, did you not?”

“I did. But it is different this way- I did not know killing Brainiac would do this to me. And I still look as though I am not human, though my appearance differentiates me from others of my kind.”

“Which is why you choose to wear a mask.” Aya says. “To blend in, and to hide your face from those who might see it and seek to cause harm to you.”

“Yes. And I cannot help but notice that you have apparently committed similar crimes- but you do not hide your appearance.”

“Nobody knows who I am here.” Aya answers, half-shrugging. “The only person I have met in this time is you, and it would be considered fortunate that I did, since you of all people understand what I’ve done and are willing to forgive me even though you did not see the extent of the damage I caused. And besides, my appearance changed when I did take over the Anti-Monitor. My original appearance, the one you see before you, can be seen as still blameless, as I did nothing to harm my friends looking how I do now.”

She looks over at him.

“Just as you have not done anything to your friends looking like this.” She continues. “The Legionnaires know that everything you did was because of Brainiac. And now that he is gone-“

“Now that he’s gone, I’m useless to them.” He admits. “I told them myself, I was recruited because I was useful- and because I wasn’t organic, and thus had capabilities far beyond that of organic beings. Because I’ve become human, I’m a liability, and the only tool I have is my intelligence. Even that may be compromised- I haven’t been able to tell.”

“I am certain you have nothing to worry about.” Aya says. “And now that you are a Green Lantern…”

“Hardly, I was just recruited- and I don’t even know what I’m fighting yet.” Querl answers.

He hopes it’s not Aya- that the universe wasn’t trying to help him for once by introducing someone he could befriend, someone who understood him, and then would inevitably try to take her away by revealing she was still corrupted by the evil she’d left behind in the past. But he’s still cautious, so he moves away from her, just a little.

“I don’t know either, but perhaps, if you ask, the Legion will be able to help us once we do.” She says.

“And if not?”

“Then we hope there are other Green Lanterns who can answer our call.”

“Or we face this thing ourselves.” Querl says.

“In that case, I hope you learn how to use your new powers quickly.” Aya answers. “I hear they can be quite challenging, if one does not understand how much power they truly possess.”

“Being human didn’t take that away from me. The learning part, and the capacity to understand, at least. But, are you a good teacher?”

“Let us both hope so.”