#i will listen to the most triggering vents from this person but when the one time i needed someone badly they were just like

[mooodyblue]

venting in the tags don't mind me 🤥

[yanderes-galore]

yandere concept for redson lmk? please

Sure...! Hope you like it :)

Yandere! Red Son Concept

Pairing: Platonic -> Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Denial, Dark themes, Stalking, Delusional behavior, Condescending behavior, Unhealthy relationships, Jealousy, Possessive behavior, Violence, Branding briefly mentioned, Isolation/Kidnapping, Dubious companionship/Forced relationship implied

I feel like Red Son would be the type of yandere to think he doesn't like his obsession... yet does at an unhealthy amount.

Due to how Red Son acts with people, I can see him in denial at the idea of liking anyone but his family.

This goes for both friends and family.

He just... doesn't think he can do such a thing.

He sees everyone as peasants compared to him and is too prideful to stoop to such a level.

He's dramatic and temperamental, he isn't used to being close with people.

So much that he gets uncomfortable with physical affection and fears being emotionally vulnerable.

As a result, I feel Red Son would be very rude to his obsession at first.

If this sounds familiar... This is because he seems like he'd fall a bit into the 'Tsundere' archetype at first.

Red Son acts like he hates your guts, like he only sees you as a peasant and wants nothing to do with you.

He may even sense this odd attachment to you but tries so hard to ignore it.

He can't seem to get you out of his head no matter how hard he tries.

In response, he may even be a bit more cruel in his words towards you.

He doesn't understand why he can't stop thinking about you.

Which makes him vent his frustrations about you... at you.

Red Son comes off as condescending at the start of the obsession.

He thinks he should see you as beneath him.

Yet, Red Son is quite the lonely demon due to his personality.

He's so deep in denial when it comes to you.

The moment he thinks of you fondly, or even finds himself wanting some sort of bond between you...?

He immediately thinks you did something to him and not that he wants to be friends.

Red Son would either take a long time to confront his obsession, or need someone to help him.

Said someone is most likely MK or Mei, which is a humiliating experience for him.

MK and Mei were most likely his first friends/allies, so if he ever did break and confess his situation... They'd probably tell him he wants to be your friend or something similar.

Red Son doesn't even consider romantic feelings until he becomes friends with you.

With some help, he finally manages to talk to you.

And you're so nice it's both sickening yet pleasing to him.

Even as "friends", Red Son struggles on connecting.

Yet he's less condescending now thankfully.

He does realize that his words have hurt you... and he doesn't want that....

He isn't the most affectionate friend, mostly closed off as he rants to you about something.

He's actually surprised you even listen to his rants.

It... feels a little nice, actually.

Keep in mind that Red Son is not used to anyone caring about his emotions.

So the fact you let him vent is a... nice yet foreign change.

Red Son would probably not see his behavior as bad once it starts manifesting.

He is still new to the whole friend thing... so jealousy is probably something he thinks just... happens.

He feels a bit embarrassed at first to admit he wants to hang out.

Yet when he puts aside his ego, he really does enjoy your presence.

Maybe you aren't a peasant....

Due to his temperamental nature, I think you can tell when he's jealous.

He's seething when your attention is taken away from him during one of your hangouts.

After all, this is time for just you two.

Why does someone else have to ruin it?

Due to his entitlement, Red Son would make a fuss over someone paying attention to you.

The moment you ignore him he has a fit.

No, no, no! This is your time together.

I can see you trying to prevent a fight due to Red Son threatening whoever decided they would speak to you.

Best you calm him before flames start sparking.

Red Son definitely thinks it's a privilege to be his friend.

He deserves your time and will get it no matter what.

Even when you don't hang out, I can see him still trying to watch what you're doing from afar.

After all... are you having more fun with other people?

In that case... He just needs to plan how to win you over better.

Until someone mentions something, Red Son may not realize his behavior stems from romantic feelings.

Isn't it normal for friends to be jealous of others?

Isn't it normal for him to enjoy your smile when he shows you his inventions?

It's gotta be normal for him to feel giddy at the thought of being alone with you... just you and him.

The longer he knows you, the more vulnerable he is with you.

Except he never notices until you point it out... immediately causing him to grow defensive at your words.

It probably isn't until someone comments on his behavior that he considers his feelings for you aren't friendly.

Someone probably mentions he could have a crush on you in a teasing tone, only for him to tell them off.

Only to realize... maybe they're right?

He'd be in denial of his romantic feelings for a long time.

But then... Hey... It makes sense to him.

Why else would he be so possessive around you?

You're even the only person he tolerates physical affection with.

He's easily flustered but he will admit your hugs are addicting... He keeps thinking about them even at home.

The issue is... He has no idea how he'd even confess such a thing?

Which, for a long time, leaves Red Son silently fighting with his feelings.

It doesn't help that his heart flutters when you smile or his skin heats when you touch him.

You're clearly trying to be friendly, but it just has an entirely different effect on him.

Even now he still can't hide the jealousy he feels when others get your attention.

Part of him wonders if he asks you out and you date... if that means you're his now?

If he makes you his partner, does that mean he has control over you?

All of this is so new to him... and he is a demon.

Demons are naturally possessive of what they enjoy.

Especially him.

I can only imagine Red Son's is something he tries to make grande.

He plans it all out as some big reveal before dragging you towards him.

He'd say that it should be an honor to have his heart considering his parentage.

He'd accidentally be condescending in this... which may make you say 'No'.

If you said 'No', he's baffled.

How COULD you decline his offer!?

He worked so hard to make this perfect!

He'd throw a fit, give up for a bit, then realize he still very much needs you and decides to try again.

If you said 'Yes', he's smug.

He knew you'd agree with some convincing!

Truthfully, he was never going to take 'No' for an answer.

Now that you're dating, he feels entitled to you.

He's clingier and more demanding, often wrapping an arm around your waist.

Now he's overconfident, braggin to anyone that'll listen that you're his.

He's obsessive about you to an alarming degree.

He refuses to let you out of his sight without throwing a fit.

Scold him if you want, he isn't listening, probably will just tell his parents about all of your fights.

He's a brat that isn't afraid to burn someone if it meant he got you to himself.

By this point there's no going back.

People can correct him, but he's not listening.

All he really cares about is having you to himself.

He's never felt this way towards anyone else but you.

He'd be a fool to give you up now.

In terms of if Red Son would hurt anyone over you? I don't doubt it.

Sometimes he can't control his flames, which may lead to someone getting hurt.

That and I can see him eventually trying to have you move in with him.

After all, he lives in a castle.

Don't you want to live in a castle?

He'd definitely convince you to stay at Demon Bull King's Fortress.

He'd als desperately look for his parents' approval of you.

If they say you're a good fit... Then you never have to leave!

His kidnapping is typically coercion, carefully drawing you in like a moth to a flame.

Then he can keep you isolated in the castle, just so he can keep you to himself.

After that I can see him clinging to you, surprisingly giddy at the thought of having you to himself.

Now he doesn't need to share!

Seriously, who's willingly going to come here?

Not many! Which means you're all his.

Now you can love in peace!

This may seem OOC, but maybe Red Son could brand his obsession as punishment?

It's definitely way later into the obsession, most likely when he isolates you in the castle.

By that point he would've had to snap in order to make such a decision.

He'd brand a specific symbol or pattern to remind people that you're his, then immediately attempt to comfort you afterwards.

Ironically, Red Son is like playing with fire.

You're completely oblivious to what you do to him.

You think being friends will be nice.

Unfortunately... He just gets worse.

If you stay with him despite the warning signs... you're merely growing the fire deep inside him...

Soon his obsession will grow and grow if nothing is done to prevent it...

Leaving you to get burned.

[stoutguts]

ADHD/neurodivergent 🧼 (💀🧼 too bc why not/it's my comfort ship and I love them)

(chock full of my own personal HCs and ideas, also mental health stuff/issues/problems heyo)

I am most definitely all for autistic Ghost, but what about ADHD brain/neurodivergent Soap? I've seen few people talk about this or explore it so here we go.

Like, even though Johnny's generally laid back, he still tends to be very hyper or high-strung. Maybe even overwhelming for some people, and is easily excited almost like a puppy (golden retriever Soap my beloved), (Ghost thinking it's literally the cutest thing ever). Bro has either the attention span of a nat or is so hyper-focused on something he forgets to blink.

He has APD (auditory processing disorder),—and will ask you to repeat yourself 15+ times before he finally understands what your saying. This is incredibly frustrating for him, but like Price will lose his shit, because having to repeat himself is like one of his pet peeves lmao. Same thing, with Yuri.

Even Ghost and Gaz get fed up with him on occasion. Though Roach doesn’t give a fuck because they’re just as ADHD as him, and just loves to talk, plus their echolalia helps to sort things out lots of times. Gaz will give him the silent treatment and refuse to talk to him. Usually when Simon finally gets irritated with him it's lead to a fight. But it isn't long before Ghost feels bad and apologizes, and reassures him saying "I know you can't help it". Simon tries to work on learning to be more patient specifically for him. 💕

He does the same things that Simon does to stim, (though particularly pacing and bouncing his leg). But he also likes to chew on everything, whether it’s a pen/pencil, a cap off a water bottle or other plastic drink bottle—(This pisses off Simon in particular, and they’re always scolding him about how he’s gonna end up choking on it. Not to mention, he always leaves the nasty ass, spit-covered things around and forgets to throw them away after he’s done with one. Either leaving Ghost to pick up after him much to his disgust, or forcing Johnny to throw his own shit away, (as he should). If he gets ahold one of those spiky silicone balls from an arcade machine he likes to bite the nibs on it, etc. Simon has even bought him some chewlery because he orally stims so much, to which Soap uses all the time and was overjoyed when Ghost first got it for him. Though his chewlery needs to constantly be replaced because Johnny has unusually strong and sharp teeth. It’s not uncommon for him to completely destroy shit that he gets his paws on. Simon often comparing him to a dog or a teething puppy.

I am also totally for Johnny being just as mentally fucked as Ghost.

He’s the four b's, bisexual, bipolar, bilingual, and a bitch.

Like Simon, Johnny has generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), for similar or for maybe even the same reasons as Ghost. Not nearly to the same level of severity, but panic attacks and flashbacks do happen on occasion. As with certain things he's easily triggered.

He also struggles with bipolar disorder and/or severe manic depression. His bipolar tendencies making it incredibly difficult to maintain relationships in his youth, among many other things, (his past drug abuse/addiction only making him worse and more unstable). Though these days he’s medicated and for the most part stable, only sometimes going off his meds, (particularly when he relapses or is heavily triggered by something).

No therapist has ever been able to help Soap, though he does see a psychiatrist regularly.

Mostly for anti-psychotics and other prescription refills and the like, but can vent as much as he likes to them. Either that, or Simon doesn't mind lending an ear to listen when he needs it.

Similar to Ghost, Johnny can have very low self-esteem, but can also be of very high self-esteem, (it fluctuates due to his manic depression). And Simon is more than willing to give him reassurance and comfort, but equally doesn't mind knocking him off his high-horse, and/or, taking down his ego a few pegs if need be. (Which isn't so bad, as Johnny just so happens to have a degradation kink). >:3

Johnny is a highly reserved person, (though he’s able to put on a mask/a show for other people and strangers), and pretty stoic (all things considered), due to his traumatic upbringing. He has a very unhealthy habit of bottling up his emotions until he quite literally explodes, though he's trying to get better about that. But he can’t help but genuinely let his guard down, and has LEARNED to let his guard down around Ghost, the 1-4-1, and his sisters (the most important people in his life).

This tidbit has less to do with mental health and rather his personality but I still wanted to include it here so…

Soap is highly perceptive and emotionally intelligent. You can't hide anything from him as he can always tell when someone's lying to him, and he always knows when something's wrong. A true empath. He's also a very good liar himself because of this, but he uses this secret power responsibly, and would never lie to those closest to him and/or his loved ones.

All members of the 1-4-1 having highly specific phobias? Yes please.

As for Johnny…

He is deathly afraid of needles and hospitals (Trypanophobia and Nosocomephobia), because when he was growing up and as a young kid he was quite sickly, and often was in and out of the hospital. He's immunocomprised and gets sicks all the time, most of the time nowadays when he gets sick it's just a small cold, with the occasional illness that may put him out of commission for a bit—Simon always doting over him and making sure he’s okay when he even so much as senses he’s got a runny nose—Johnny finding it incredibly endearing, but when he was a child it was horrible. When he was hospitalized he'd suffer at the hands of doctors and nurses much too often, going through one too many traumatic experiences. Mostly, because of incompetence or just straight up apathy. Getting his IV done is the worst, because he's cursed with almost non-existent and small veins. Oh so jealous, of Ghost's huge and bulging veins. Someone will stick him upwards of 10 times or more, or until his arms are swollen, until they finally get it right usually. Not to mention, Johnny also has Hemophilia, and so he bleeds a lot which only makes it even more distressing. Soap specifically underwent medical and first-aid training, just so he could avoid going to medical himself as much as possible. His medical knowledge and training has happened to pay off lots of times in the field, for himself or for his teammates or squad’s sakes. Despite his aversion, he's not squeamish at all when it comes to mending his own wounds, or others weirdly enough. Even if he's severely injured he refuses to go to medical. Simon used to get really mad at him for this, because of not only his stubbornness, but seemingly his cockiness was what really pissed him off. And they know Johnny’s skills only go so far, and he's immunocomprised and a hemophiliac for crying out loud. Eventually Ghost confronted him about this, and after Soap explained everything it was a lot more understanding and sympathetic. Though it didn’t change the fact that it will borderline harass him if he’s seriously hurt and won’t go help himself, or just straight up force him to go to medical. Johnny always protests but ultimately he gives in, and Simon makes sure to give him emotional support and stay with him when he needs patched up.

Thank you for reading my ramblings, next post will be about my take on Ghost, his mental health, his autism, etc, probably!

[becauseimanicequeen]

Don't Ask Me for QL Recommendations Because My Taste is BAD

Bad as in TRASHY.

For your own good, don't ask me for recommendations.

I'm writing this because I've gotten some asks lately for QL recommendations and I wanted to spare you the pain.

If you still don't trust me (because to be fair, why would you? I'm just a random weirdo on the internet), let me tell you how bad my taste is so you'll know why I'm doing you a great favor by sparing you the pain.

(I also watch, and rewatch, series/films for ridiculous reasons, yet another reason not to listen to me. I’ll come back to this in a minute.)

Let's start with a brief rewind to a couple of decades ago (because it matters in this context).

The first queer content of any kind I can remember watching was Xena: The Warrior Princess in the late 90s and early 00s (I was a child/pre-teen at the time). It was such a pivotal point for me, which is why I remember it vividly. Not only was Lucy Lawless (the actress playing Xena) the most beautiful human being I had ever seen at that point, Xena was also queer and I loved her.

The series, though? It’s bad.

It’s over-the-top, contains ridiculous humor, face-palm-worthy fight scenes, etc., etc. (But, it was also the 90s, so it was quality television at the time, no matter what anyone else says.) It was so bad that it was ridiculously entertaining. I would watch it today (if I could find it anywhere…). That’s how bad my taste is (or how attached I am to bad shit).

That’s when the groundwork for my bad taste was laid. I blame THANK Xena: The Warrior Princess for it.

Then there was a huge skip until July last year when I found the Asian QL world, because I had no idea it even existed (I’m from Europe, btw).

(My personal story is that I fell into the queer/gay film world before the QL world, and the queer films I could find were made and released very sporadically. But ever since I found the treasure trove of Asian QL series in July 2023, I’ve watched 291 series/films as of right now.)

The reason I fell into the Asian QL world was thanks to a Short on YouTube with the main characters from Roommates of Poongduck 304 kissing. (Want to know what convinced me to watch it? One of them was wearing blue and the other pink, two of my favorite colors. Yep, that’s the reason. Told you it would be ridiculous.)

Since then, I’ve been exploring this rabbit hole and loving every second of all the bad shit that’s out there (there’s some great shit too, and some great things that aren’t shit at all, but they’re not really my taste because my taste is trashy, remember?).

I quickly noticed what my taste was pulling me towards and, in some cases, the trashier it was, the more I liked it.

(I’m talking about fiction here. I’m mature enough to be able to separate fiction from reality. Just because I enjoy watching a series/film that depicts a problematic topic, and sometimes do it in a problematic way, doesn’t mean I condone it in real life. I’m just putting this here as a disclaimer because people on the internet are easily offended nowadays. And I honestly don’t have time to respond to people who are venting their anger after purposefully misinterpreting what I’ve said, unless there’s a very valid reason, which there usually isn’t.)

So, what are some of my favorites that I absolutely do not recommend you watch?

Unless you want to watch trash, then, have at it. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

(Btw, if you like any of these, I apologize for calling your taste bad and trashy. But, if you like any of these, I think you already know your taste is bad. Also, if you like any of these, hey, bestie!)

Let’s start with the less extreme ones so I don’t scare you away from the start. After that, they’re in no particular order.

(With the issues/TW section for each series/film I include possible trigger warnings, taboo topics, what viewers/commenters have brought up as problematic, my possible issues with the writing, etc. I won’t list everything (because some of them would have looong lists) but I’m including some of the major ones.)

Kiseki: Dear to Me (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, age gap, “adoptive” brothers becoming lovers, etc.

Both couples in this series have their own set of issues. Ai Di and Chen Yi are the “adoptive” brothers who become lovers while Ze Rui and Zong Yi have an age gap (I can’t remember how big of an age gap but I think it was close to 10-ish years).

(Before I move on there’s one thing you should know about me… I was born into a family with a varying degree of age gaps within marriages, from 2 to 23 years. Even though we’ve talked about the bigger age gaps occasionally, it’s never been an issue. I don’t mind age gaps as long as they’re legal. Does that mean I would hook up with someone in their late teens or early twenties? No. I would rather hook up with someone who has a fully developed brain, which science suggests doesn’t happen until somewhere in the mid-to-late-twenties. But it does mean that age gaps (as long as they’re legal) aren’t something I’ll be bothered by or judgemental of.)

Kiseki: Dear to Me is one of my favorite series because:

It’s from Taiwan, and the Taiwanese QLs are generally great at dealing with more difficult and taboo topics.

Ai Di is the feistiest, most colorful, and pettiest bitch and I love him with my entire ice-cold heart.

Chen Yi looks amazing in black.

The neon lights (because I’m a slut for that).

Also, the kissing (from both couples) is great.

You know, I did say that these would be series/films I absolutely do not recommend you watch. But I’ll actually recommend this one. Watch it. It’s great.

Unknown (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Age gap, “adoptive” brothers becoming lovers, etc.

This is another one I’ll actually recommend you watch because it’s great.

The main couple (Qian and Yuan) are the “adoptive” brothers becoming lovers while the age gap is most prominent between San Pang (Qian’s business partner) and Lili (Qian’s younger sister). There’s also the fact that San Pang is part of their chosen family and has seen Lili grow up and stuff. So, if that bothers you, then don’t watch it.

The biggest reasons I would personally recommend it to those I know aren’t particularly bothered by taboo topics are because:

The yearning is palpable (and I love shit like that).

Qian would move heaven and earth for his family.

The great story.

The even more amazing acting.

Some moments made me bawl (and since I'm an ice queen, I get obsessed with shit that shatters my ice and makes me cry).

I know I said my taste is trashy… but I would actually give myself a gold star for loving this one.

Now, back to the real trash…

Love in the Air (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, SA, rape, MAME, etc.

Everyone and their aunt (or however the saying goes in English) seem to have an issue with MAME (the original creator of LITA and several other trashy BLs) and for good reason. (I would say that she improved a lot with Wedding Plan, which is the least problematic thing I’ve watched from her and it’s the latest series of hers, as of right now.) If she’s grown, remains to be seen. But it doesn’t change the fact that LITA has some issues.

Honestly, I just watch this for the visuals, as in the motorcycles and the neon lights. That’s it. That’s the reason.

I mean, if you look at the whole first sex scene between Sky and Prapai, you get what I mean with the neon lights. It’s divine. (I recently rewatched LITA for this very reason. A waste of time, you say? Not when you’re a slut for neon lights.)

Don’t watch this though! Just enjoy this gif instead…

I just saved you 13-ish hours of your life. You’re welcome.

TharnType and TharnType 2: 7 Years of Love (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, homophobia, domestic violence, MAME, etc.

Don’t watch this. This is bad. As in, really bad. And all the issues are in the main couple’s relationship.

But, since my taste is really bad, I rewatched this recently for horny reasons (it’s Mew, after all, and he’s got me in a chokehold for some reason). It’s still as bad as I remembered it, but I would still rewatch it for Mew’s sake (and because Techno is ridiculous throughout both seasons, which means I love him).

To be fair there are other, a lot spicier, series that I watch more often for horny reasons (yes, some of them are in this post because they’re trashy too), but none of them include Mew. And since I have to get my dose of Mew from time to time, I return to TharnType (especially the second season).

Big Dragon (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, blackmail, etc.

This isn’t that problematic in my opinion, but there is definitely a drug-induced sexcapade that’s taped and used for blackmail for a while. And that's how the series starts.

I recently did a rewatch of this and it was still bad (in a good way) and I loved every second of it.

What I love about this series are:

The visuals. The set designs are beautiful (especially Yai’s home and the bar, before he demolishes it). As a visual artist, this is speaking to my soul.

The chemistry between Yai and Mangkorn.

Pong and Park. Two idiots I love with my whole ice-cold heart.

And the title track because it’s addictive as hell to listen to.

Also, the sex (which my horny ass needs). Let's not forget the sex. Those scenes were also visually stunning, which made me love them even more.

Honestly, I'll kneel and bow down to this shit because it's that great.

Don’t trust my judgment, though, because my taste is trashy.

Only Friends (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Manipulation, stalking, promiscuity, etc.

This series is messy in terms of intrigue (especially from Boston and then Boeing’s part). The ending had some issues. The sex isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, either. I, on the other hand, would drink a whole pot of this.

Overall, I loved this trash. Mainly because of:

How visually stunning it is.

Sand. He’s a hardworking, good person. He’s also a proud bi!

How they depicted and handled Ray’s addiction and recovery. (I know some watchers were upset that the focus of the series landed on Sand and Ray towards the end while neglecting the other characters, which is a valid point. However, setting that aside, the way they portrayed Ray’s addiction and then his road to recovery in the last couple of episodes was realistic, and I loved it.)

The promiscuity, because I loved it and the mess it created.

Boston being a slutty asshole. The more of a slutty asshole he was, the more I loved him. (I know, it’s a me-problem.)

Boeing coming in and kissing (almost) everyone.

It’s trashy, it’s messy, and I love it!

But, I don’t recommend it to anyone.

My Beautiful Man 1, 2, and 3 Eternal (Japan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, obsession, bullying, lack of (or no real) communication, etc.

I love this series (2 seasons + 1 film), but I honestly don’t see it as particularly problematic. But I know others will disagree with me, so here it is on my list of trashy QLs.

I don’t mind Hira’s obsession because I know Kiyoi is just as whipped for Hira (even though he doesn’t know how to communicate it to Hira at first, especially in a way that Hira understands). Would I be okay with someone’s obsession and stalking in real life? Of course not. But, as I mentioned before, I’m mature enough to separate fiction from reality.

Also, I love miscommunicating characters, especially when the misunderstandings they create bring out all the emotions (angst, hurt, anger, sadness, embarrassment, etc.) and even the flight response. I especially love miscommunicating characters when they learn to communicate throughout the series/film. And this series is especially delicious on the miscommunicating part.

But, it’s also problematic, apparently. So, don’t watch it.

The End of the World With You (Japan)

Issues/TW: Blackmail, biphobia, cheating, etc.

I’ll be honest and say that I’ve only watched this series three times. And that’s because the biphobia is fucking annoying. In this series, the bi character is depicted as a cheater (which is common in QLs, btw). It’s an exasperating stereotype. Cheating has nothing to do with your sexuality and everything to do with who you are as a person.

(I mean, you can be a proud bi like Payu in LITA or Sand in OF. They have eyes only for one person as soon as they’re pursuing or dating someone. Give me more bi characters like this, please.)

We could discuss how cheating can be used as characterization in certain stories. But not in this one. Here, they’re basically using Ritsu’s bisexuality as the reason he’s cheating (since he’s sleeping with Masumi while having a thing going on with a girl, and then sleeping with a girl when he has a thing with Masumi), which is why it’s bothering me in this series.

If I’m going to tell you why I like this series, however, it’s for 2 reasons:

It’s about getting a second chance, a topic I love.

The sex (laser-focused horny Ritsu is my favorite Ritsu).

Check Out (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Biphobia, cheating, lazy writing, etc.

(It should be mentioned that I’ve read some comments about some issues involving the company behind this series. I haven’t dug deeper into this so I don’t really know if there’s any substance to the comments I’ve read (like official statements from the company or the other people involved, etc.). But I’m putting this out there in case this might be a potential issue for you (even though I’ve already told you that I don’t recommend you watch any of these because they’re all trashy).)

When I first checked this out at the beginning of this year, this series seemed to have created a storm of bad comments and reviews on MDL since it first came out. So, obviously, I needed to watch it because my taste is trashy.

And, you know what? I loved it!

Besides having the bi character depicted as a cheater (again, the use of this biphobic stereotype is so fucking annoying) and the sporadic clunky and stale scenes, I loved this series because:

It’s about second chances. As I mentioned before, I love that topic.

Best (the actor playing Daonuea) is the best in this series. There’s just something about him that grabs my attention every time. He has me in a similarly tight chokehold as Mew.

There’s sex (and my horny ass needs it).

But, it’s also trash, so don’t watch it.

Pit Babe (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Domestic violence, non-consensual, SA, age gap, etc.

This became popular. Really popular. I saw people comment about it everywhere. And usually, when stuff becomes popular, it’s more than likely reduced to trash quality by the general public. So, obviously, I had to watch it.

Did I end up loving it? Yes.

Honestly, the biggest issue this series had for me was the whole omegaverse thing (this was a new thing for me because I don’t come from an erotic fiction background, my head was rather stuck in fantasy fiction). And, from my limited understanding of this, they didn’t seem to fully commit to the omegaverse thing in Pit Babe, which was unfortunate.

The racing was also so-so for me, which hurt my soul because I usually love racing (cars, mcs, boats, etc.).

What I did like, however, was:

The chemistry between Pete and Kenta (and I’m so sad I only got crumbs of this).

Pavel (the actor playing Babe). I would watch and listen to him recite product placement scripts for toothpaste all day long.

The sex, especially the scene with Babe and Charlie in ep. 9 (even though it was mixed with clips from the racing) and Jeff and Alan’s scene in ep. 13 (because it was sensual, if we ignore the music).

The neon lights (have I mentioned that I’m a slut for neon lights?). I mean, just look at this:

I can watch that pinkish light all day long, even though Babe and Charlie are trying to distract me. (Especially Pavel!)

Dead Friend Forever (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Grooming, bullying, suicide & suicide attempts, etc.

Besides the issues listed above, this also suffered from lazy writing at the end. BUT, I fucking loved DFF anyway.

I never expected to love this series because it’s just a bunch of teenagers stuck at a house in the woods. How interesting could that be? Turns out, very.

DFF wasn’t perfect (perfection doesn’t exist anyway), but what I loved about it was:

The morally ambiguous characters.

The revenge plot.

The poetic justice.

The questioning of what was real vs hallucination.

The visually stunning shots.

The mask!

And Tan’s mask!

The beheading scene.

I could go on, but you get the point. I just love this piece of trash.

But, please, don’t watch it. You will suffer from brain rot. Trust me.

I, however, am currently rewatching this because I choose the brain rot. And my taste is trashy, remember? Or, perhaps I just love watching chaos unfold…

HIStory 3: Make Our Days Count (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, age gap, tragic ending, etc.

Everyone and their aunt and even their dog have an issue with the ending of this one. And it’s understandable.

I don’t necessarily like or dislike the ending. Obviously, the bury your gays trope is tragic in itself, and, tragically, it’s still being used. That’s why I couldn’t find myself liking the ending, even though I don’t mind tragic endings. (Romeo and Juliet is one of my favorite classics, which people tend to forget is a tragedy and not a romance, btw, but I digress…)

At the same time, though, this series made me cry for a whole episode before tragedy struck because I could feel it. And you have no idea how obsessed I get about shit that makes me cry (since I’m an ice queen).

(Another side note: one of my favorite BLs is Once Again, which made me bawl throughout the whole series. It’s not on this list because it’s neither trashy nor bad, but it’s still one of my favorites because it broke me in the best ways. But, anyway…)

The best part of this series from beginning to end was the other couple, at least for me. This couple is the one with the age gap (which, again, doesn’t bother me) and I fucking love them! One, because Wilson Liu (the actor playing Bo Xiang) is such a gem. Second, because their first time was such a spur-of-the-moment thing fueled by a desire that went from 0-100kph in less time than a Ferrari would. And I loved it (just as much as the squeezing of boobs from behind, which, for some reason, appeals to me).

Also, the twins are so pretty it’s annoying.

Do I recommend it, though? No, because I don’t have time to respond to the clap back I’ll get when you come to the end.

HIStory 4: Close to You (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, SA, obsession, age gap, stepbrothers becoming lovers, etc.

This one has some problems (especially the relationship between Yong Jie and Xing Si), but I love both the series and its problems (yes, I’m trash). You could say that I’m as obsessed with this series as Yong Jie is with Xing Si. Would I get this series drunk and fuck the living daylights out of it? No. But I would watch it once every 3 months or so. Oh, wait… I already do that. Because I’m trash.

What do I love so much about this series (other than what I mentioned above):

It’s from Taiwan.

Li Cheng is ridiculous, which is exactly why I love him.

Every time I rewatch it, it gets funnier.

The chemistry between Li Cheng and Teng Teng is amazing.

As well as the chemistry between Yong Jie and Xing Si.

The kissing is just as amazing.

The main fujoshi girl, Mei Fang, is so cute I can’t handle her.

And the bathroom scene! In that lighting! It’s iconic!

I don’t care what anyone else says. This is fucking gold to me. But, then again, my taste is trash. So, don’t listen to me.

KinnPorsche (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, SA, torture, Stockholm syndrome-ish, etc.

This is some next-level trash, and I fucking love it.

Two of the major relationships in this series (Kinn & Porsche and Vegas & Pete) are problematic at some point. Especially Vegas and Pete who have this whole captor/captive, torture, BDSM-ish type relationship. Of course, I love Vegas and Pete because my taste is super trashy (yes, it’s a me-problem, but I don’t force my taste on other people, so, for the love of all that is holy, don’t watch this!).

Other reasons I love this series and rewatch it from time to time:

It’s visually stunning! The cinematography is amazing. As I mentioned before, I’m a visual artist, so this is a very valid reason for me to watch it again and again. And again.

The neon lights.

The whole mafia thing.

The sex (because my horny ass needs it).

Playboyy (Thailand)

Issues/TW: SA, homophobia, suicide, etc.

I was debating whether or not to add this to my list solely based on the ending. However, up until that point, I really liked it.

The fact that every episode starts with a whole ass list of trigger warnings tells me this is my shit. And it was.

At times, it was so bad that it was good (until the ending, which was just so bad it was bad). The things I liked were:

The mystery.

Win (who played Nuth). His acting was great.

The chemistry between Nuth and Phop.

The tattooed daddy that’s Aob and his chemistry with Puen (there’s also an age gap here, btw, but as I’ve mentioned before, it’s fine by me as long as it’s legal).

The weird ass sex scenes (and the underwear).

And the not so weird ass sex scenes (like the ones between Aob and Puen and the ones between Nuth and Phop).

But, this series is trashy. Keep as far away from it as possible. If you still decide to dip in, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Red Wine in the Dark Night (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Obsession, blood, human blood bags, etc.

This is a queer film that’s BL-ish with some dark themes. Mainly, it’s about how far Wine would go to help the person he’s fallen for (or become attached to).

What I loved about this film was:

Fluke (who plays Wine). He’s such a great actor and I love him in everything he does.

Wine who is so desperate to love someone and be loved that he ends up doing some weird shit.

The darker and sadder vibe, which I love.

Irresistible Love 1 and Irresistible Love 2 (China)

(This is also called Uncontrolled Love.) 

Issues/TW: Obsession, homophobia, codependency, adoptive brothers becoming lovers, etc.

This is another queer film (in two parts) that is more BL-ish than the films I’m getting into below.

This depicts a weird relationship dynamic between Xie Yan and Shu Nian where Shu Nian was basically adopted into the family to become Xie Yan’s friend/babysitter/lackey. This is some weird ass shit, and I love weird ass shit so I really enjoyed this rare, uncensored, gem from China.

But, it’s also trashy. So, don’t watch it.

The next couple of films I’ll mention are (obviously) trashy, but also complex and deep (which is why I love them).

One Summer Night (South Korea)

Issues/TW: Obsession, dependency, oppression, etc.

This is a low-budget film from 2016 (so, production-wise, it’s definitely nothing like the usual stuff from South Korea you can watch on Netflix), but I love it.

It’s gritty, it’s raw, it’s explicit (an emphasis on explicit because you’ll see dicks), it deals with being a North Korean defector but ending up in an impoverished situation in South Korea, and it ends with a dubious ending you can interpret in different ways.

This is definitely not for the general QL viewers who watch QLs for the cutesy stuff.

And it's trashy. So, don’t watch it.

Dangerous Drugs of Sex (Japan)

Issues/TW: All the trigger warnings! Seriously. I feel like it’s better to say that so you’ll look up the TWs for yourself (if you choose to watch this, which I'm asking you not to) rather than me mentioning a few and forgetting others.

With this film, what others see are all the trigger warnings (and, yes, I see them too, they’re fucking obvious). However, I can see beyond that and watch it for what it is at the core: Two characters dealing with incredible grief.

Grief is a topic that often affects me and I can relate to it because I’ve had to deal with a lot of grief in my relatively short life. Watching a film like this where grief pushes the characters to their very limits will (often) get a special place in my heart, especially if done well. And it’s done very well in this film.

Do I condone the characters’ behaviors? No (especially not Yoden Ryoji’s). But I do understand that grief can send you over the edge (and in some cases throw you off the edge) because I’ve experienced it. I do understand that grief can cause you to make horrible decisions because I’ve done it (though, not this extreme). I do understand that grief can be self-destructive because I’ve been there. This film shows it all. That’s why I love it so much.

Do I recommend you watch this, tough? No. Don’t do it. This is not for everyone. It’s definitely not for those who watch QLs for the cutesy stuff.

But it is for me because I love trash. Especially good trash. And this is the best trash I’ve ever seen when it comes to gay films.

Anything by Scud Cheng

Lastly, I want to mention any film by Scud Cheng because…

And I’m an artist so art means everything to me.

Cheng is a screenwriter and director from Hong Kong. His films, the ones I’ve seen, are gritty, nude, and real. They are more on the art side than the others I’ve listed above, which is why they have a special place in my heart.

They’re also deep and explore themes like introspection (are we doing things because we believe they’re the right thing to do, or because external forces have “brainwashed” us to believe they’re the normal thing to do?), the porn industry and how it exploits young and queer men, death, politics, and love, to name a few.

These are not for the average QL watcher. They’re not for the faint of heart. They’re not for those who want an entertaining watch.

These films require multiple viewings. I’ve watched some once, some twice, and some more times, and I still find new themes and meanings woven into the stories. So, they’re complex and deep.

But, don’t watch them because I know you’ll come at me later. So, to spare us both the time and energy it would take to argue about this shit, just don’t watch any of it.

Now, if you still want to ask me for recommendations after all that, don't tell me I didn't warn you!

[duckciferthecg]

Hello! I’m Lucifer, but you can call me Luci, Lulu, duckcifer, or anything you want Duckling

Welcome to my cozy palace little one

Asks are of course open

DNI if you’re: antiagere, nsfw, ddlg, proshipper, a meanie

All type of regressors for any age are welcome!

Is legit:

Anon list (that I’m aware of):

🐶, 🪽, 📺🦈, 🧁🦝, 🦝🐾, 🧜✨, 🌹💀, 🎀, 🐈‍⬛, 🦌📻, 🎸🪽, ☀️🍬, 🐇, 🤎🩸, 🧸🌷, 🥽, 🔋, 🐅, 🐺, 🎮🔥, 🦌🌹, 🎪🍼, 🍄, 🩹🌱, 🦖, 🦴, ⁉️, 🍼🐇, 🧚, 🖍️, ❤️🖍️, ☀️, 🎧, 🌊, 🤡🐸, 👽🐄, 🍭, 🐩🎀, 🧇, 🥫, 🐈‍⬛🐾, 🧃🐛, 🐶🎀, 👑, 🪲, 🪐, 🍂, 👁️😈, 🦈🩹, 🤍🎀, 🌟🦝, 🌻🧸, ☁️, 🔮, 🕸️🍓, ☀️🍼, ☁️🌙, 🍓🐦‍⬛, 🦕, ♾️🏳️‍⚧️, 🍰, 💙,🥤, 🐦‍⬛🧃, 🦖🐾,☀️🧸, 🧸🦈, 🫧, 🔧💜, ☀️👑, 🐧💙, 🔮🏳️‍⚧️, 🩵✨, ✨🐍, 👻🌻, 🪻📚

Grab a stuffie, chill for a while, and I hope you have fun!

Rules for Tumblr blog and discord (dm me if you want to be added to discord)

They had to be added because of issues the CGs have been having

Here are the rules:

- Absolutely no littles/pets in big chats

- Ask a CG their boundaries and respect it

- if a CG doesn’t do things like diapers, medical, or other then respect it

- Censor vents properly

- When certain fictive alters front, if they have source trauma, then avoid it

- If someone has something triggering at all avoid it

- Do not expect comfort from CG 24/7 [We are human too]

- No physical punishments

- Respect boundaries

- listen to CGS

- When a CG asks you to STOP you STOP

- No biting (playful biting okay is the CG is okay with it)

- no physical harm to yourself or the cgs. Don’t care if it’s “just rp”, it hurts and panics us

- No asking cgs to be big/little

- No asking for specific alters in systems to front

- Some cgs can’t read little talk, if they say no to it, then respect that. They want to understand you

- Be patient

- A lot of us have physical and mental disabilities too, so that may limit us from responding

- We have lives of our own and we can’t always take care of you

- No asking if we got your ask, no “tumblr ate my ask”. It makes us feel bad for not getting it

- Most of us are people pleasers guys. Don’t abuse that

- Only eat stuff that is edible

- LET CGS TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES

WE ARE NOT SELFISH FOR TAKING A BREAK

WE ARE NOT SELFISH FOR ACKNOWLEDGING OUT NEEDS

WE ARE HUMANS

- No bullying. We will be kind to one another

- It’s one thing if you have established a relationship with someone and it’s mutual, and it’s another thing to just bully. Knock it off. Just because you are in the mentality of a kid, doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk

- No babying someone unless they want to be

- No NSFW talk in little spaces (like drugs, s-xual content, alcohol etc)

- Don’t flood a blog

- If the person is clearly very overwhelmed, don’t talk to them as much

- If it’s important then direct message them

Thank you for reading!

[merbear25]

Anxiety is talked about fairly often, but some don't know how to handle a s/o or friend who struggles with it. That being said, those who care about you are willing to learn!

Monster trio, Robin, Chopper, Franky, Brook, Law

CW: SFW, headcanons, mentions of general and social anxiety. Zoro's and Law's parts don't start out that comforting. There can be different things that can trigger it (sometimes nothing necessarily triggers it!) so this is kept more broad. It's kind of a specific headcanon, but it's something I personally struggle with and maybe others can relate.

Luffy: It takes him time to realize how hard some situations are for you, and even then, it's not something he'll fully be abe to understand. But he doesn't need to understand in order to care about you and consider your feelings! He'll help you in anyway he can. If you're having a hard time coping with the rough seas, he'll draw your attention to him. You're feeling overwhelmed at a gathering? He'll stay nearby, giving you a sense of stability in the hurdles you're currently up against.

Zoro: He'd be able to notice something's different about you. However, he may be someone who didn't quite believe in anxiety (at least not in the regard of a disorder). That being said, when he started spending more time with you, it became blatently obvious that it was, in fact, something to be taken more seriously. Once realizing this, he'd be more considerate towards you. He wouldn't really be hands on when helping you, but he'd hover around, just making sure everything is okay.

Sanji: You'd have his undying support. Similarly to Luffy, he wouldn't fully be able to grasp the extend of your problems, although that's not obligitory when it comes to caring about the ones you love. He'd be more than willing to listen to what triggers you and would help you find coping methods to help push you through rough patches. He's a doer and wants to help you find ways to ease your troubled mind.

Robin: Similaryly to Zoro, she would have sensed something was going on with you, especially if your anxiety flares up during more social events. When she notices, she'd be tacktful when approaching the issue; she wouldn't want to make you feel singled out. She's always happy to learn about her friends and the ways they think, so you could open up to her without fear of judgement.

Chopper: He'd know better than anyone here just how hard social anxiety is. Being as empathetic as he is, he'd sob for you when you mention your qualms. Despite this initial reaction, he is still a doctor and is dedicated to helping people. Sure, his specialty doesn't lie in psychology, but he'd be determined to find something, anything, to aid you. He'd be a stand-in emotional support reindeer if you really needed it.

Franky: He's an extremely friendly, silly, and sociable cyborg, though that doesn't mean he doesn't know how to tone it down when he sees someone he cares about going through a hard time. Being a doer like Sanji, he would look for solutions to your problem. He'd opt for sillier antics when it comes to keeping your mind off of things, which may or may not be the most helpful. Either way, everything he does is in good faith.

Brook: If you're a music lover, he'd opt for playing your favorite song to get your mind off of things. He finds it soothing and figures you would too. He'd check up on you through out the day, giving you space if that's what you need. If you'd rather talk or vent about it, he wouldn't object to it. He wouldn't mind if you end up talking his ear off, not that he has ears.

Law: Being a doctor, he'd know better than to just dismiss your issues, but dealing with emotions is not his forte. He'd probably start out keeping himself at arms length from you, observing how you handle each wave of anxiety. In doing this, he'd gain a better understanding of how to approach you. This may come across as him out right avoiding you, though. Once he has a better idea of how to handle you during, and outside of, these flare-ups, he'd helicopter around you, taking out some of the things that'd set you off when he can.

[pinejayy]

If it’s okay please could I request headcanons of the upper moons (any of your choice) falling for an upper moon who is motherly towards them, has a calm but intimidating aura and is an insanely good fighter if the situation calls for it 💙💙

Sure thing!! I hope you enjoy!! uwu I kinda went over bored with Gyutaro, since I related with him the most,, I didn't have the best relationship with my mother, it involved with abu*e , but at moment we are good, but I did pour my heart for his part

Trigger Warning: mentions of abuse

Douma, Gyutaro and Aizetsu with a motherly S/O

Douma

He knew the second he saw you he would fall in love with you, and he did. You're so kind towards him, and probably the only Upper Moon who doesn't hate him with a burning passion.

He loves how sweet and gentle your towards him, he loves it whenever you hold him. He craves for your attention. He loves it whenever you stick up for him. Especially towards Upper Moon 3 Akaza.

Whenever Akaza is talking down on him you'll put a hand on his shoulder and dig your nails into his skin drawing blood. "If you were talk down on him again you're gonna regret it."

Douma doesn't remember too much from his human life, but he does know he craved for his mother love. And unfortunately he didn't get that. But with you in the picture he gets that type of love he craved for.

He loves how sweet and calm you are, he could be venting to you about some issues and you'll always give him the best advice.

Please hold him, he wants to be the little spoon. And when you do hold him please give him head kisses and play with his hair. Whisper sweet things to him. "I love you, I'm so proud of you Darling~"

Gyutaro

He doesn't understand why you're so gentle and kind towards him. He isn't used to this kind of treatment, especially with someone so beautiful like you. He doesn't understand why you're so kind? You're supposed to be an Upper Moon! But then again he has Daki...so maybe he does understand you.

At first he did lash out on you when you first were nice to him, he thought you were trying to get something out him. And yes at first he wasn't so fond of you. But as time passed by he did warm up to you, that he fell in love with you. That he craved for you love all the time.

He adores on how sweet you are to his sister Daki, one of his favorite things about you is that you're so gentle and kind towards Daki. Like you could be doing her hair or makeup and he'll just sit down and watch you. He could be watching you guys laugh and talk. He's so lucky that you made your way to his heart.

And you always treat their wounds, even though they don't need it you still will.

He can always count on you for support or if he needs someone to talk to. He loves your good advice, and he also enjoys your sweet comments.

Whenever you guys have alone time he'll want cuddles. He wants you to hold him. He would want to be the little spoon, so please hold him. He craves to be held.

He doesn't remember much from his human life, but he does remember that his mother was nothing but a pile of scum. She was a no good for nothing person. He remembers the abuse he went through because of her. He remembers her hurtful words.

But you always assure him that she was wrong, she's nothing but a pile of rat shit.

You're always telling him sweet things as you hold him. "You're so beautiful Darling." "I'm so lucky to have you by my side." "Please don't listen to your mother's words, It's in the past. She can't hurt you anymore." and "Don't worry my love, I'll always be by your side. I'll help you get through this."

He loves it when you play with his hair and trace a finger across his body, he melts at your touch. And at first when you touched him he did flinch afraid that a other Mother Figure would hurt him. But you assured him you weren't going to hurt him.

Honestly he shed a few tears when you first told him that you "You love him" He was so shocked. He doubted you but of course you assured him that you did love him.

He would die for you and his sister, he'll protect both of you to the end! You and Daki are the only special people in his heart!

Aizetsu

Now he loves how gentle and sweet you are to him, considering he's the punching bag from the other clones. He's so used to Demon Slayers being so harsh with him and other Demons being so cruel towards him. But you are different and he loves you.

He loves it whenever you stand up for him whenever the other Clones are giving him a hard time. It's mostly Sekido yelling at the poor blue eyed Demon. And most of the times it leads up to you and Sekido getting into a fist fight.

Aizetsu loves how calm you can be but also loves when you can turn into a mama bear! He adores how you always stick up for him.

Please hold him, please hold him. He wants to be held like a little baby. He just wants to lay his head on your chest and listen to your heart beat. AND YOU GIVE HIM A LOT OF HEAD PATS AND HEAD KISSES.

To the days he's really down, you'll go out of your way and bring him some human flesh and feed him a nice meal. And as he's munching on that human meat, you'll just smile at him.

You're always telling positive things. Like!! "Don't listen to the other clones they are annoying, and please don't let their words get to you. You're so much better than them." and "Wow you're my baby boy! I'm so proud of you!"

[thelaughtercafe]

Angel

Tea Type: Half and Half (This one was written to vent so it's got a little more hurt towards the beginning than usual)

Potential Triggers: Nonspecific mentions of emotional abuse

Pairing: Duncan/ F!Reader

Length: 1k+

Summary: You and Duncan are both desperately trying to stay awake for the challenge. The lack of filter allows confessions to slip from both of you.

“Ugh I’m starting to go. Can you help keep me awake?”

Duncan looked over and blinked in surprise. You hadn’t spoken much the past weeks save him teasing as he did with most of the girls. You didn’t outwardly encourage it but he could admit he got pleasure out of your flustered reactions to keep it up consistently with no provocation. 

A smirk twitched onto his lips as he moved to where you were sat leaning against a tree trunk a little ways from the main group. 

“Sure thing sweetheart. Tell me what I can do.”

You were already a blushing mess. It’d taken a great deal of courage to even ask but already you were growing meek again.  

“Well I…um…sorry.”

He softened a little after a glance over his shoulder, tugging you to sit behind the tree with him. Everyone was mostly sleeping and this way no-one would see his expressions before he heard them coming in advance. He didn’t want anyone hearing him like this. Hell, he typically wouldn’t ever dream of being like this but the lack of sleep was impairing his judgment. 

“Why do you do that? You constantly apologize for stuff that’s not even your fault. Or without having even done anything wrong at all. It makes you look weak.”

It wasn’t the nicest way to say it maybe but Duncan was trying. 

You looked down to your fidgeting hands and smiled bitterly.

“It’s not exactly a happy reason; but you don’t seem like the kind of guy to pity people so I guess it’s alright if I tell you. Let’s just say my home life wasn’t great. My mom was sick so I was left to do all the chores and such. Her long term boyfriend was quick to put me down and point out the smallest of inadequacies in my efforts.”

You shrugged before looking at the camera across the way and giving it the finger. 

“That’s for you if you’re watching this, dick.”

God, you really were tired. Your filter was gone. Luckily, your attention was shifted to Duncan as he smiled at you and lightly placed his hand on yours.  

“Well I say he’s lucky. If it was me I would’ve stopped doing them altogether. Guy sounds like a real piece of work." 

You turned your gaze to his and he noticed the hint of sadness within. 

"Which is why you’re the strongest person I know. That’s actually the first time I told him to fuck off. After making me spiral into panic attacks, giving me arachnophobia, and making me hate myself it still took me being on the verge of passing out on a reality show talking with a bad boy with a heart of gold to get the courage. Pathetic. isn’t it?" 

Duncan clenched his fists but managed his anger with a breath, trying not to blush at your honesty. 

"Right. You really think of me like that sweetheart?’

The typically antagonistic nickname now sounded sweet. 

You shrugged, finding it much easier to talk when not looking at him as you put your head on his shoulder. 

”‘Course I do. You may act all mean but you want us to win too. I don’t think you’re half as cruel as you pretend to be. You’re here comforting me and keeping me awake aren’t you?“

You yawned and he scoffed, glad you couldn’t see his face as a tinge of pink surely was evident. 

"Could just be doing it to get further in the competition. More chance our team wins if there’s two of us.”

You shrugged. 

“Sure. You could be. But I doubt it. I have a bad habit of only seeing the good in people and ignoring my gut feelings. But here on the island I’ve learned to start listening to it more. And right now it’s telling me you’re a good guy. It always has.”

Duncan sighed and looked down in amusement at you now fully cuddled into his side. He curled an arm around your shoulder and pulled you closer but when he felt your breaths start to slow he ran his fingers along your neck for a moment in warning. 

“Hey. Don’t fall asleep k?”

You jerked in his grip and giggled which made him blink.  

Huh. 

He noted the way you suddenly looked nervous, and the way your face had gone red. In addition to your eyes flicking everywhere looking for escape, a smug smirk crawled across his face. 

“Oh princess~ Got something you wanna tell me?”

He felt you stiffen and you giggled nervously again, clearly jumpy. 

God you were precious. 

“N-No! I just-I-thanks for helping but I-”

As you were about to scramble away he quickly turned to pin you against the tree, easily restraining your wrists over your head with one hand and leering over you.  

“You may as well give it up. I know you’re ticklish. Sure would be a shame if I let you fall asleep now ya know? Time to fulfill your duty to the team like the angel you are~”

Oh God. Time to pretend he didn’t just say that last part. Distract!

“D-Did you just-hey whahahahait!! Duncan!!”

You dissolved into squeals and giggles as his free hand began squeezing along your thighs suddenly regretting wearing shorts.

“You are such a jheheheherk!!”

Glad his moment of softness had been forgotten Duncan easily returned to teasing, feigning innocence.

“Oh? But I thought you were so sure I was a nice guy. Looks like your feelings were wrong. Good thing you have a thing for bad boys huh angel?”

He relished in the way you went even darker and sputtered over your laughter.

“N-No I-what!? That’s-crazy talk!”

“Your blush tells a different story. Plus, I’ve caught you stealing glances all summer. Lucky for you I like good girls just as much. Even called dibs in the boys cabin. Trent almost beat me to you but lucky for me he got more into Gwen around the same time which means you’re all mine if you want to be, angel.”

While he was talking casually his hands were moving easily all over, from your thighs to your hips up to your underarms and then to your neck where he opted to stay, keeping you in steady giggles as he waited for your response. 

You rolled your eyes before smirking back. 

“F-Fhihihine then. Gonna make me fhahahall demon boy?”

He grinned, full of roguish charm as his fingers finally slowed and he released your hands to cup your face in his palms and then seal your promise. 

“Only if you’re sure you’re ready for it sweetheart.”

No-one would find out until a few competitions later; when he got sick of hiding and kissed you so hard you swooned after a win you somehow managed to pull off. 

All insecure thoughts of him caring more about his bad boy image than you were  banished and it suddenly made sense to Courtney and Gwen why the nicknames, however passive aggressive, had stopped. They were all for you.  

Angel was still his favorite of course.

[z-i-a-f-o-x]

What is stopping you from going to a hospital? You don’t seem well and I don’t mean for that to come across as rude. It seems like you need significant help.

I talked a little bit about it on twitter, but it’s really a multitude of emotions and reasons..

Im no stranger to Depression or Suicidal Ideation. When I was a teenager I was Hospitalized and in Facilities multiple times for my own safety, and it was miserable, and was not helpful. Granted these were 5150’s (involuntary psychiatric hold by the State) vs. if I were to admit myself. So there is some trauma and negative associations there that I have with the effectiveness of institutions, at least in my case.

I have passive suicidal thoughts all the time; if you asked me at any given time if I’d opt out even when I’m “happy” I’d say yes. It’s just the brokenness of my mind. Those thoughts may be concerning to some, but it’s become background noise to me. It’s the times I get very low and the thoughts turn into compulsions that are the issue, but they aren’t triggered necessarily by anything in particular. They come on suddenly, intensely, and out of nowhere — so I guess my anxiety and thought process is fearing that I’d admit myself and be my usual passive self (which I know how to cope with on my own) when it’s the times of crisis that I’m really at risk.

To a mentally healthy person, it’s a no brainer to just go to the hospital and seek help for any issue you have. For someone whose brain chemistry is like mine, it’s not that simple. When I’m actively wanting to hurt myself, my focus is completely on that impulse and not on how to fix it. In those moments I’ve already made up my mind and it doesn’t feel like I can be unconvinced. In those moments, there is no finding the solution because I believe I already have. There is no wanting to help myself, there is just the goal I can’t stop fixating on. The times when I need the help the most, are the times I’m the least likely to reach out for it. I tend to self-isolate and shut down and not want to talk about how bad it is.. when I’m really bad, it feels impossible to put it into words for someone to listen. But especially to a professional vs. venting to my friends and in my safe spaces.

It really is just riding it out and waiting for the thoughts to slow down and mellow. And I’ve coped this far in my Life through those lows mainly by distraction, distraction, distraction, and focusing on the pain I’d leave my loved ones in. Because the impulses go away if I’m strong enough to just wait them out, it makes me question how much help a facility would be vs. what I’m already doing. It would basically be just an extra set of eyes on me to make sure nothing happens, while giving me the time I need.. and frankly part of me feels like it would be a waste of money.

In the past when I was hospitalized, I was isolated from outside Life. No connections to family or friends or access to my phone or internet.. and those are all things I derive nearly all my joy from. I don’t know if that would be the same situation as an adult.. but the idea scares me. It scares me to lose contact with the people I push on for, even if it’s only temporary. It scares me the isolation could make me more depressed, which I can’t really afford.

So ultimately, to answer your question — irrational fear and anxiety of the unknown, in combination of not believing it’s bad enough and not wanting to save myself enough. I don’t really have the answer yet on how to get myself to the point of believing I’m worth helping.

There are other options too though, like out-patient programs I’m considering more and more.

[emoflutterguy]

jesus fucking christ growing up and finding out the people who were shitty to u are massive hypocrites is . insane

TRIGGER WARNING FOR LIKE ABUSIVE FRIENDSHIP??? this is a little bit of a ventpost about how my shitty best friend in freshman year forced his transmedicalist idea of masculinity onto me only to grow up a little bit and start dating a cis guy and fall into the trap that most of us trans guys also fall into with cis guys of “oh hes cis so i obviously need to be Girly now”

thats ur tl;dr, read on if ure interested in the juicy details below the cut

so when i was in freshman year i met a kid who was supposedly a year older than me (he wasnt) but he was also a freshman because he got held back a year (he didn’t) (he was a filthy liar)

anyways he just so happens to be a trans guy and thats not where my problem lies with this guy . i wish it was that simple .

now im also a trans guy, and i had just come out at that point when we had met, like im talking i had just freshly come out as a trans man a month before we had met. i had no idea what i was doing or how to act or dress or how to be masculine, and he was like oh let me coach u on how to be a trans man The Right Way

and his “coaching” was terrible advice that literally any trans man whos been trans for more than 5 seconds would tell u is terrible advice;

he told me to eat, sleep and shit in my binder, he told me to abandon all girly clothing and only wear HIS clothes because HIS clothes were cool and masculine and would make me pass better (they didn’t), he told me not to wear makeup unless he was the one who did it, he shamed me for not passing well enough (i was 15 and had a baby face, as well as having big ass man biddies and also being chubby) and he gave me the worlds worst first masculine haircut and dyed it an eye bleeding orange in his kitchen. he forced me to listen to his music only because my music taste was supposedly terrible and he was the one who could drive so he got to choose the playlist (spoiler alert he wasnt legally supposed to be driving without an adult over the age of 25 but that was unbeknownst to me)

basically he told me that fundamentally, i was wrong because i wasn’t him

and any ounce of femininity i dared to show and be comfortable with was also fundamentally wrong

one time while we were all hanging out at my house (him, me, my mom and her boyfriend at the time) and i was talking about how bad i wanted to get on testosterone because i just wanted to feel like a normal teenage boy.

.and get this.

he told me i was “too girly” and “not manly enough” and i “didn’t pass well enough” to go on testosterone

and he told me he thought i was faking being trans for attention and he didnt think i was actually trans because i “wasnt trying hard enough” like he was

i promise this is relevant later im not just saying this to vent

he was also a horrendously shitty person to me and everyone else at the time, and im not saying this because im still salty, no bitch i was 15 he was 15 we were both kids kids are gonna be weird and mean sometimes, but “kids being kids” is not supposed to leave u with trauma that u may never heal from . and he did that to me . but thats irrelevant

anyways, now onto the part thats kind of funny in a fucked up way

so me and his ex boyfriend are best friends now because we both survived the fucked up shit he put us both through, at the same time might i add, and we often talk about how our respective relationships with him still affect us to this day

and today we were talking about going to a concert for a band we both really like that was introduced to us by our mutual enemy, the guy this post is about

and naturally the conversation turned to what hes up to now because my bestie likes to sometimes look at his social media out of curiosity and he told me

that evil bad guy mc bad

is now in a relationship with a cis biker guy

and dresses in crop tops and mini skirts and thigh highs and wears wigs and makeup now

and good for him if he genuinely just enjoys dressing like that now, if thats all it is then im glad hes finally had some character development

but i just have a feeling thats not what this is, that hes doing this solely for the validation of his fuck ass boyfriend

and the thing is, i would feel bad if it was literally Anyone Else going through that, but he did the same thing to me, to his ex who is now my bestie, to my other friends who used to be friends with him, to anyone who’s ever known him honestly.

and i dont wish him ill anymore. i really dont, i could not care less, and this post will probably be the last time i ever think about him because i really could not care about him less at this point, but its insane to me that he used to be so like firm in his opinion that men who were feminine werent real men, and he actively enjoyed making me feel like shit for being too feminine, and now he’s doing the same thing he used to make fun of me for.

maybe im just salty because i never got a real apology from him, but at this point i dont even want an apology from him because i know that it would be more akin to colleen ballinger’s “toxic gossip train” video than a real apology

well i think ive yapped on about this enough if u read all the way here thanks lol

[the-s1lly-corner]

facial dysmorphia comfort spot x reader

maybe maybe

Spot w/ an S/O who has facial dysmorphia

Okokokok two things!!

One I am once again so sorry for taking so long for getting to your ask 😭😭 same goes for everyone else who sent in requests <\3 but I got nothing going on tonight so I'll likely be knocking out asks throughout tonight!!

Second!!

Bit personal but I really didnt know there was dysmorphia that's centered around faces :0 I thought it was just body dysmorphia; and this ask kinda

Made me feel things

Not necessarily bad things but like

"Oh that's a hyper specific version of me" as someone with body dysmorphia that's very. Face centered

🧍‍♂️

Anywahs

Eeerm yeah!!

With all that being said some of this might dip into my personal experience with body dysmorphia <\3

Actually it kinda dips into a lot

It's the self projection for me

Not proofread we die like peter parker

He gets it

Kinda?

Sorta?

I mean it's not a 1:1 but

Close enough...?

I think he may have also had similar issues precollider tbh, like when he said "oh I used to be handsome by scientist standards" sounded... backhanded..

Anyways

Not the most attentive, he wont immediately catch your mood souring if you two are out and about; but he does eventually catch on if you're quiet or fidgeting

Offers you things you can fidget with to keep your hands busy; from small stress toys to rubber bands, to keep your hands busy

I know everyones different but again, self projection here

Helps especially if you mess with/tug your hair into place or pick your face at any perceived flaws

"Look at me dont look at them," when he notices you start comparing yourself to others when you're both out

Probably steps in front of you, if you're walking hes walking backwards to keep him in your view

He falls over/hj

Ah yes the mirror

Frowns

Another thing that spot would personally relate too; I believe I've mentioned somewhere in a different hc post that he tends to just

Stare and talk down to his reflection, post collider

It's a habit he probably had precollider too, but instead of his lack of face he's scrutinizing the moles and beauty marks

He never really liked his spots

But aside from sympathy when he sees you do the same he also feels

Hurt

Is this how he makes you feel when he does the same thing?

It's weird for him to be on the other end; watching you pick at your skin or teeth, sizing up every curve and crevice

He doesnt want to just go up to you and pull you away from the mirror or upright tell you to stop; nono that doesnt feel right.. it feels too.. forceful, accusatory... he doesn't want to make things worse

He'll probably try to subtly bring your attention in another direction; be it asking you what the plans for that night are, or asking for some affection

The most bold he'll get is walking up to you and gently bopping his face against you

He does his research, hes a scientist afterall

He makes sure that your shared home is a safe place to retreat to at the end of the day; his protective side outright banning anything that could potentially trigger your dysmorphia, doesn't matter what it is he's just not going to let it through the door

He never ever wants you to feel like your experiences are less than; whenever he notices a day is particularly hard hes immediately dropping everything to help and/or distract and/or comfort you

Listens diligently to what you need

He probably keeps a little notebook somewhere with notes scribbled down, along with things he knows you like and bring security

You both have feeling sessions; you both just sit down and talk, about anything really

Not necessarily vents but also not necessarily not vent but

You know

God forbid anyone ever makes you feel bad about himself

He would never... kill anyone (attempting to off miles dad aside!! I write these like. Imagining it's the time between the movies :0) but boy does he get thoughts

Literally just

Spawns a hole under them and sends them to god knows where

If you've got anything to help it, like say therapy or medications he'll make sure you keep a consistent and steady schedule with it

Insists on taking you to therapy himself

Via holes, of course

"Wait wait wait I think... I got it this time-!"

Proceeds to accidentally send yall to the top of some random building somewhere

VERY persistent about any meds, almost gets naggy with it

This is the same with any other stuff you may or may not take; other meds, vitamins, antibiotics, ect ect ect

Spot is more or less kind of. ..

I dont wanna say hes a mother hen, but asides from revenge, the thing he wants most is for you to be happy and healthy

It also kinda offers himself some reflection, because again he carries/used to carry similar behaviors; whether he had dysmorphia or not, he can see himself in you and it

Hurts

As a side note you notice his frequency in the bad self talk lowers

Gives off that "do it for her" simpsons meme, but its spot having a board of you

Figurative board of course

Maybe

I can kinda see him having some version of it actually

He just wants you to know that he loves you so so so much. He thinks himself to be the luckiest man in the world; hell in the entire multiverse, as cheesy as it sounds. Despite everything hes been through and going through, he still managed to get someone like you by his side. You give him clarity in his whirlwind of a life and he wants to let you know how grateful he is for your existence

Anyways

Yeah I dont know where I was going with this post and hcs I kinda just let my feelings and experiences talk here so <\3 normally I like to keep things like this vague so others can hopefully relate easier but

Man this topic got me

But

Yeah

I hope this is alright !! It's not often I write stuff with this sort of topic matter so I'm a lil rusty <\3

[sound0ut]

Nine people I’d like to get to know better

I’ve never done a post like this before, so be gentle, y’all. Thanks for the tag, @augustjustice!

Last song I listened to:

All My Exes Live In Vortexes by Rosie Tucker. Highly recommended if you need a way to vent your existential angst about living in the Anthropocene.

Currently watching/reading:

Currently watching season 2 of The Bear. I know I’m late to this one but as someone who used to work in a kitchen and had some of the most stressful days of her life there, it took me a while to feel ready. It’s really well-done, both in terms of writing and acting, but jfc it’s triggering for me sometimes.

Currently reading a bunch of stuff, as always, but what I’ll mention is that I’m in the midst of a reread of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic, one of the texts I tend to return to when I need a kick in the pants, creatively. Current favorite piece of wisdom from Gilbert (or Seamus Heaney via Gilbert) is this:

“A particularly elegant commentary on this instinct [trust in your creativity] came from Nobel laureate Seamus Heaney, who said that—when one is learning how to write poetry—one should not expect it to be immediately good. The aspiring poet is constantly lowering a bucket only halfway down a well, coming up time and again with nothing but empty air. The frustration is immense. But you must keep doing it, anyway” (148).

Sweet/savory/spicy?: Depends on my mood, but probably savory.

Relationship status: Happily married bi bb ✌️

Current obsessions: I tend to be a person of varied and rotating obsessions, including: finding the perfect early 80s tunes as the soundtrack for my current podfic project, Monster Theory scholarship (ask me about my personal theory about yonic imagery and the gates/monstrous mouths in ST), adding miles to my long ride, getting better at Travis picking, improving my voice acting/narration, writing my silly little stories (and never sharing them b/c 😱).

I have few mutuals on here and have talked to even fewer folks, so apologies if this is out of the blue, but @chaoskiro, @wynnyfryd, @cuips-not-cute, @onirislanding, @teddywesworl, @geddyqueer, @hullomoon, @n0connections, @xiaq I would love to learn more about you if you feel moved to share :) Or from anyone else for that matter, if you want to connect!

[yanderes-galore]

Romantic Light Yagami with prompts E-3 and M-1 from A-Z Yandere prompts list

Sure! Here's Light attempting to "help" you through an abusive partner... Then there's him. He's such a disgusting man in this, ugh....

Prompts Here

Yandere! Light Yagami E-3 + M-1

“I removed the problem. You should be thanking me.”

“I’ve done everything for you and this is how you repay me?”

Pairing: Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Manipulation, Possessive behavior, Abusive relationship (You're in one before Light... Then there's Light), Stalking, Murder, Implied physical violence (Your past partner, not Light), Swearing, Forced relationship.

Light knew about your partner.

Hell, out of anyone, he probably knows about them the most. After all, you're two close friends. Since middle school you've come to him to vent or hang out.

Naturally... Light is used to comforting you.

He never liked your partner. Even less when he began to notice you hiding bruises from him. Light never liked to show his distaste... always opting to quietly listen as you sit beside him.

Deep down he's pissed, brown eyes darkening each time you brought up your partner.

Light has always been there for you. He holds you when you need him, he lets you cry into his shoulder... He distracts you from your problems. You'd think he was just being a good best friend...

In reality he's infatuated even if you don't know it... The fact you're taken already gets on his nerves...

Even more so when the person who has you is hurting you.

There's only so much Light can take when he watches you. A bruise here, a cut there... It's infuriating. Each time he sees something new... He tenses.

Light wishes you'd just let him take care of things. While you're unaware, he keeps an eye on that partner of yours along with yourself. He glares when he sees your arguments...

He hates when someone hurts you.

Naturally, if you can't leave him alone, Light vowed to help in whatever way he can. You interpret this as comfort, as helping you get through it. You thought he'd just support you as you try to smooth things over.

What a naive thought, he almost wanted to laugh.

No, your partner deserves worse than that.

It was so easy to track them down. He remembered their face... He researched their name.... Honestly, he swore he heard Ryuk laughing as he came up with a grotesque scenario in his mind. Was it wrong to write your partner's name in the Death Note...?

No, not in the slightest, not to Light.

Light had expected you to be upset. Despite that, he hated that you still mourned for them. Even now he still can't have you....

Months pass and Light has done nothing but stay by your side. He comforts you, holds you close, and pretends to care about your partner's death. Despite it all... He's happy to see you smile... to know that bastard is gone...

Then you find someone else.

Light feels his eye twitch when you tell him the news. Months out of a horrible relationship, and you rebound for someone else? Someone not him?

"They've been a good friend of mine... I felt I should give them a chance... But I just don't know...."

Light just about lost it when you said those words. He felt himself gripping the desk in his room as he looked at you sitting on his bed. Ryuk ends up teasing him and his 'love trouble'... but Light snaps when he sees the blush on your cheeks.

“I’ve done everything for you and this is how you repay me?” Light snaps, making you jump. "I care about you, pour my heart out to you, and you look for someone else?"

You're immediately intimidated by the glare Light gives you. He stands up and you feel your heart sink. This feels so familiar...

It scares you.

“I removed the problem. You should be thanking me!” Light scoffs, standing in front of you and kneeling to look in your eyes.

"Light...? What do you mean removed the problem...?" You hesitantly asked, only for Light to laugh.

A chill runs down your spine.

"Oh, baby, you know what I mean..." Light coos, leaning closer. "It was so damn easy, too. That partner of yours didn't know what was coming...."

Another laugh occurs as Light cages you in, barely concealing the fact he's seething.

"I could do the same to that friend of yours..." Light whispers, eyes dark as he stares you down like a man starved. "That's all they are... a friend... I'm meant to be your boyfriend, baby...."

"Light, no, stop, I'm sorry—!" You plead, Light clicking his tongue.

"You're sorry?" Light muses. "You're sorry after playing with my feelings, after leading me on?"

You nod aggressively, even if what he said wasn't true. Light sighs deeply, pulling you closer. You go stiff...

You thought he was helping you...

Turns out he's just as bad as your old partner, he wanted something in return for helping you...

You're terrified.

"Fine, baby... I'll forgive you." Light sighs, burying his face into your neck. "Just prove to me you mean it..."

Light holds your chin, pulling back to look at you properly.

"Prove to me you mean it by being mine..."

You should've known Light wanted something... Wanted you...

You just doubt anyone's saving you this time.

[myfandomrambles]

C-PTSD & BPD Doctor Thirteenth Doctor pt. 1

(Doctor Character Study part 3E.1) 3E.2, 3E.3

An analysis of The Doctor as having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) along with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

[Thirteenth Doctor will be in 3 parts due to length. Find the whole thing on AO3]

13th Doctor 1. Introduction, Emotional Regulation, Anxiety, & Identity Formation

The Thirteenth Doctor is an interesting presentation of the C-BPD The Doctor has as she is both written and viewed to be very disconnected from the previous Doctor’s traumas, leading people to only see her dealing with trauma after she lost Gallifrey again and that the only trauma affecting her is The Timeless Child realisation. I posit that she always had trauma responses before TV: Spyfall pt 2. Her traumatic content in her body is held in the line of anxiety, hypervigilance, difficulty regulating emotions and being fully closed off about her history and emotions during her early stories. Trauma also comes out increasingly as a fight response later in her run, there are threads throughout her whole time making her very fascinating and complex.

Her agitation, agitation anger, hypervigilance, uncovering of past trauma and social difficulties and more are worth going through and analysing. 

A place to start with some of the basic triggers The Doctor experiences and trauma responses. Commonly a fight response. These incidents do not only happen in ways that are not as extreme or disconnected from the situation she is in. (TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum, TV: It Takes You Away, TV: Resolution, TV: Orphan 55, TV: Fugitive of The Judoon, TV: Revolution of The Daleks, TV: Eve of The Daleks, Prose: The Good Doctor, Comic: New Beginning, & Comic: Old friends )

An interesting early reaction of agitation we see her venting her frustration of being “too nice”, a response that screams strongly of a trauma response due to the struggle of being stuck in a situation that she had specifically warned Yaz against. This petulant comment highly references a fight response. (TV: Demons of The Punjab)

Of course, some of her strongest triggers have to do with facing her old enemies who have caused her a lot of pain. In TV: Resolution we see how she deals with her first Dalek in this regeneration. Starting when she first identifies the Dalek and going forward she is in a state of hypervigilance and a very strong fight response. 

“Doctor:...Let's see what we've got. No. It can't be. Yasmin: Doctor? I don't like it when you go quiet. Doctor: This is the DNA of the most dangerous creature in the universe. Graham: Does it have a name? Doctor: A Dalek.”

&

“Doctor: I'm going to find that creature. Yasmin: You can't do that on your own. Doctor: Always have done. Me and a Dalek, it's personal. Go on, get her safe.”

When faced with Cybermen she has a strong fear response that comes out in both fight and flight response and the need to protect her friends. The fresh loss of Bill to the cybermen along with other past people he’s seen become Cybermen, like Danny [this is an example even if he was dead to start with, the indignity in death still strains The Doctor’s emotions.] 

We can see this in TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati: 

“Doctor: One Cyberman, but then thousands. Humans like all of you changed into empty, soulless shells. No feeling, no control, no way back. I will not lose anyone else to that. Do not follow me.”

And continued into TV: Ascension of The Cybermen

"Doctor: I know. Yasmin: They destroyed everything we brought with us. Doctor: I know. Ryan: We haven't got anything else to defend ourselves or them. Doctor: I know! Listen to me. Do not argue. Go with the humans. Help them. Get them out of here. You won't make it back to the Tardis alive. Make sure you're with them. Ryan: What about you? Doctor: I'll hold them off. Graham: How are you going to do that? Doctor: This isn't a discussion. Yasmin: We're not just gonna leave you. Doctor: Yes, you are. You have to, all of you. No questions. Get out. I've been so reckless with you. Yasmin: What are you talking about? Doctor: You're human. If they capture you, they'll convert you. I'll find you. Get safe now!"

This interaction showcases a lot of the exhaustion and anger being triggered into remembering her worst memories, along with the reasonable fear of the situation and responsibility for her friends. 

Emotional lability presents with The Doctor; depressive, hyper, excitment anxious, frustration, and hostility. (TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth, TV: The Ghost Monument, TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum, TV: Kerblam!, TV: It Takes You Away, TV: Resolution, TV: Revolution of The Daleks, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, & Comic: New Beginning) A reference to this is mood issues is  in TV: Orphan 55

“Ryan: I'm up for a free holiday. Where is it? Graham: A place called Tranquillity. Yasmin: Me too. So long as there's plenty of sun and absolutely no deep-space squid. Might get you out of your mardy mood. Doctor: My mood's fine. Ryan: That's you told.”

I will break down these emotions throughout the rest of this analysis. 

She deals with a lot of anxiety (TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth, TV: The Ghost Monument, TV: Rosa, TV: Arachnids in The UK, TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum, TV: Demons of The Punjab, TV: Resolution, TV: Spyfall pt1/pt2, TV: Orphan 55, TV: Nikola Tesla's night of terror, TV: Praxeus, TV: Eve of The Daleks, TV: Power of The Doctor, Prose: Combat Magicks, Comic: Hidden Human History & Comic: Alternating Current). 

The Doctor tends to show her stress in a way that looks like what we view as anxiety. She’s not afraid of being viewed as anxious by her companions. It makes perfect sense she would be anxious due to her current past situations. Her specific expressions come through clearly and I think this is to some extent something that she views as acceptable to experience possibly because it doesn’t give much away. The Doctor is also relatively aware of her anxiety an example can be seen in TV: It Takes You Away:

“The Doctor: All right, no need to panic. Yasmin: I wasn't panicking. The Doctor: I know, I was talking to myself. Cos all this is very wrong.”

A way we can see the anxiety come through is that she talks a lot when under stress, both in the way The Doctor does to stall for time when thinking of a plan but also when there is no automatically viewable stressor. (TV: Ghost Monument, TV: Rosa, TV: Kerblam!, TV: Demons of the Punjab, TV: The Witchfinders, TV: It Takes You Away, TV: Spyfall pt2, TV: Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror, TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, TV: Village of The Angels, TV: The Vanquishers, TV: Eve of The Daleks, TV: Legend of The Sea Devils, Prose: Molten Heart, Prose: Combat Magicks, & Prose: The Secret in Vault 13)

An example is in TV: Arachnids In The UK we see the habit coming up during social interactions separate from fighting or other dangerous situations:

“Doctor: Look at your views. Never had a flat. I should get one, I'd be good in a flat. I could get a sofa. Imagine me with a sofa, like my own sofa, I could get a purple one and sit on it. Am I being weird? Ryan: A little bit, yeah. Doctor: I'm trying to do small talk. I thought I was doing quite well. Yasmin: Needs work. Doctor: Maybe I'm nervous. Or just socially awkward. I'm still figuring myself out. You really like junk. Are you collecting it, like stamps?”

Hypervigilance related to anxiety is something Thirteen experiences. Here hypervigilance is related to more paranoid thinking, seeing a threat coming up and carrying stress and alertness in the body. This concept can explain some of where her stress symptoms are rooted in. Her life experiences keep her head on a swivel so to speak. It’s useful for her life and it only worsens as time in her regeneration passes. (TV: The Ghost Monument, TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum, TV: The Witchfinders, TV: Resolution, TV: Spy Fall pt2, TV: Orphan 55, TV: Fugitive of The Judoon, TV: Can You Hear Me, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, TV: Once, Upon Time, Prose: The Good Doctor, Prose: The Good Doctor, Prose: Molten Heart & Comic: Alternating Currents)

We can see her reference the way she views safety in Comic: New Beginnings, linked to how her hypervigilance functions in her life. 

“Doctor: It's very rare to find true safety and certainty in the universe...”

Another moment we see The Doctor discuss her view on how they interact with safety can be seen in TV: Once, Upon Time:

“Doctor: I spend my life walking into new places and weighing things up fast. Who's who? Who has the power? Who's in danger? How fast danger is coming. Also, how likely my friends are to die. I've got good at figuring all of that out at speed.”

The Doctor even voices how she experiences hypervigilance in TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati:

“Lone Cyberman: You appear courageous, but your vital signs betray a heightened state of anxiety. Doctor: Or as I like to call it, Tuesday.”

A related symptom of hypervigilance and anxiety is agitation. She shows that she is on edge and sitting at a proverbial level eight in stress. This expression of stress becomes stronger as time passes and with the experiences with the destruction of Gallifrey, The Timeless Child & Flux. ( TV: The Ghost Monument, TV: Resolution, TV: Spyfall pt2, TV: Fugitive of The Judon, TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, TV: Revolution of The Daleks, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, V: Once, Upon Time, & Prose: The Secret in Vault 13) 

In Prose: Combat Magics we see this reference when it describes that The Doctor is “prowling like a caged cat”.

Not having access to a full range of internal regulations can create conflict with other people. 

We see when her anxiety is raised due to being separated from her TARDIS and being injured she becomes agitated and acts abrasive towards people trying to be helpful. She keeps talking and disrupting the ship in a conversation with the medical Doctor which could damage other people in TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum:

“Doctor: What were you worried about? Just as I was waking up, you... you saw something and you were worried. Astos: No. Doctor: Ooo, bad liar. Must be difficult in your job. Astos: Hey, I'm an excellent liar. Doctor: So you were lying, then. Astos: I didn't say that. Doctor: See? Bad liar. .... Astos: Enough, now. You can't be in here. I don't know what that device is, but if you don't leave, I have to restrain you ... Astos: Don't! If you interfere with the navi-systems, they'll take it as an act of hostility or hijack. They can detonate the craft. Doctor: I'm not being hostile! ASstos: Yes, you are. You're being hostile and selfish. There are patients on board who need to get to Resus One as a matter of urgency. My job is to keep all of you safe. You're stopping me from doing that. Doctor: You're right. Of course, you're right.”

Another example of this can be seen in TV: Orphan 55 in her conversation after she has had to deal with a threat to her friend. 

“Hyph3n: Guests aren't permitted in the... linen cupboard. Doctor: How about Pan-galactic Standards and Practices Officer? Health and Safety? Security and Hygiene? Resort Inspector. Now, are you and your excellent tail going to let me have a look, or am I going to have to bark at you? Cos I will. ... "Doctor: Oh, yeah. Of course. Deadlocked room with its own armoury. Don't tell me. Honeymoon suite. Kane: Hyph3n, what the hell are you doing? Who's this? (She turns The Doctor around.) Doctor: I'm The Doctor, and you, madam, are far too handsy.”

As we can see in these examples her agitation can come out as being abrasive with other people and it can cause problems when communicating with other people. (TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum, TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, TV: Once, Upon Time, Prose: Combat Magicks, Prose: The Secret in Vault 13, & Comic: Hidden Human History) We know she wants to communicate to some extent and will take in some of what others say but it’s still clearly a difficulty she has. 

In TV: Fugitive of The Judoon we have an example of this. 

“Doctor: She said she was my past, but I know my past, and she's never been me. Graham O’Brien: I'm sure there's a simple explanation. Doctor: Time is swirling around me. The Master, Captain Jack Harkness, Ruth. Something's coming for me. I can feel it. Ryan: Let it come. You've got us. Doctor: Ryan, I've lived for thousands of years. So long I've lost count. I've had so many faces. How long have you been here? You don't know me. Not even a little bit. Yasmin: Don't talk to him like that.”

They say nice things after this moment, and Thirteen appears to appreciate what they are saying. The TARDIS sides with them as well, and they quickly get into their next adventure and we see it takes a lot of time for them to fully communicate. 

Thirteen’s trauma causes her to tend to have a proverbial film between her and her companions, or ‘fam’ as Thirteen refers to them. This version of The Doctor very rarely lets them into her history and her inner world. We see her care about her companions in series Eleven at the same time they know very little about her. She will let them in on her nerves, and she asks for reassurance from them. But they don’t know the why behind any of it, and even the emotions she does share very rarely go deep. She oscillates between wanting them to close because she cares for them, and holding herself behind a wall. ( TV: It Takes You Away, TV: Resolution, TV: Orphan 55, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, & TV: Revolution of The Daleks)

This is very pronounced in the way it takes till TV: Spyfall Pt. 2 for her to tell them even the basics like her home planet, age or regeneration. 

“Graham: They're right. Five planets, you've barely said a word. Doctor: I'm fine. Graham: Why don't you ever share anything with us? Doctor: I share stuff. Graham: Not about yourself, though. Ryan: Yeah, you know everything about us. Yasmin: And we know nothing about you. Doctor: Fine. What do you want to know? Graham: Who are you, Doc? I mean, really."

Doctor: I was born on a planet called Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous. I'm a Time Lord. I can regenerate my body. I stole this Tardis and I ran away. I've been travelling ever since. The Master was one of my oldest friends. We went very different ways. Questions?”

In TV: Resolution we see another nod towards this wall she keeps with her companions. 

“Doctor: Ryan's Dad. Yasmin: It's complicated. Doctor: Yeah. Dads are, so I've heard.“

This shows a bit of how the wall works, she is a father in multiple ways over time and has Susan who is her granddaughter. Past Doctors have mentioned they were fathers, even if they tend to never go into much of it. Twelve says “Dad skills”. (TV: Listen) Ten tells Donna about his children whom he lost in TV: The Doctor’s Daughter. Not only does she not tell any of them about having children she explicitly says that she’s only heard about it. While a small moment compared to others it’s still an example of her tendency to isolate her heart from her friends. 

This can also be seen as the line of purposeful self-isolation. Just not sharing but pushing other people away. (TV: Orphan 55, TV: Fugitive of The Judon, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, TV: Village of The Angels, TV: Eve of The Daleks)

A humorous reference is made towards The Doctor’s broken communication style in TV: Orphan 55. 

“Doctor: Oh. Come on. This is not the way to resolve a family dispute. How about good old-fashioned passive-aggressive discussion?” While a joke it shows the cynical mind state The Doctor is in this episode, and also is honest for this Doctor. She doesn’t spend a lot of energy on her communication. 

In instances where she is fighting a bad guy, she can come across as less anxious when she is 1-on-1 with an enemy than in other situations. (TV: Rosa, TV: Demons of the Punjab, TV: Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, TV: The Vanquishers, TV: Eve of The Daleks, TV: Power of The Doctor & Prose: The Secret in Vault 13). During TV: It Takes You Away The Doctor shows a lot of anxiety when only with friends or with other people but shows more competence when talking to the Solitract. 

This Doctor also struggles with impulse control. (TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum, TV: Demons of the Punjab, TV: Kerblam!, TV: Spyfall pt2, TV: It Takes You Away, TV: Resolution, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, TV: Eve of The Daleks & Prose: The Secret in Vault 13) 

She can become very wreckless at times, her impulse control putting herself and/or others in danger.  This behaviour is seen right away during TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth. We see The Doctor be willing to jump distances, wanting to turn on sirens, taking Ryan Sinclair’s phone and reworking it before even thinking to ask. In TV: The Witchfinders we see her dive headfirst into the water to save someone, while the right thing to do, it shows a degree of acting without fully considering possible consequences. 

The behaviour can veer into recklessness. We can see this starting all the way back in her first episode in TV: The Woman Who Fell To Earth she starts her life jumping distances she can’t fully judge as someone who has a new body. During TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati, she acts dangerously by taking the Cyberium in and then giving it over to The Lone Cyberma,/Ashad. 

Thirteen deals with a lot of anger (TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth, TV: Rosa, TV: Spyfall pt2, TV: Orphan 55, TV: Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror, TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, TV: War of the Sontarans, TV: once, Upon Time, TV: Village of The Angels, TV: Survivors of The Flux, Prose: Combat Magicks, & Prose: Molten Heart)  Which gets worse after the destruction of Gallifrey and the retraumatization.

In TV: The Timeless Children we see a lot of a fight response coming out as anger. Starting with her interactions with The Master before the reveal. While commenting on The Master’s problems and his anger you can see and feel how she is angry and intentionally getting The Master worked up with her prodding. 

“Master: ... All gone now. Come on, ask me why I did this. Doctor: Why did you do this? Master: Not telling you. (laughs) Oh, crack a smile. Doctor: Proud of yourself? Master: Definitely. Doctor: All this death finally made you happy? Master: Ecstatic. Doctor: And has it calmed all the rage? Master: I don't think anything will ever do that. We're going to take a tour through the Capitol. Or its ruins, at least. Things I need to show you. And, er, I know you're worried about your friends. Plotting how to get away. I can see it in your eyes. But you can't help them, so don't even think about it”

Her reaction when faced with the memories of her abuse later in this episode causes a strong fight trauma response. She physically attacks The Master in an explosive outward response of anger. We know when The Doctor uses anything physical with her own body it is actions like Venusian Aikido that act as a quick disabling move versus these more unplanned and violent actions. It makes sense that this moment would push her over the edge, but it’s interesting to mark as we move forward. 

In TV: Revolution of The Daleks The Doctor tells Ryan about her anger after the events of her loss of Galifrey, people dying, the Timeless Children revelations and the interactions with The Master.

“Ryan: And The Master? What did he want with you? Doctor: It doesn't even matter now. Ryan: No, no, no. Don't give me that. Right? I see what you're doing. You're trying to avoid the subject. We've known each other long enough now. I know when something's changed. Doctor: Me too. I'm not who I thought I was, Ryan. What I always knew to be the story of my life... isn't true. I wasn't born on Gallifrey. Where I'm from, all the lives I've lived, some of that has been hidden from me, and I don't even know how much. Ryan: Seriously? And how do you feel about that? Doctor: Mostly... angry. While I was locked away, all I kept thinking was, if I'm not who I thought I was, then who am I? Ryan: You're The Doctor. Same as before, same as always. Doctor: Right. Same Doctor, same Ryan. Nothing's changed. Ryan: No. No. I didn't say that, did I? Things change all the time, and they should, cos they have to..."

This is an interesting conversation as it reveals the emotional state of The Doctor and how this emotional instability forces her to be willing to sacrifice a TARDIS, something we know has consciousness. Her fight response is very clear here, breaking through her common engaged and anxious headspace. 

Her anger and frustration can also come out cold, especially when dealing with people she doesn’t like. It heavily connects to a jaded sense of dealing with other people, she tries to be positive but there is anger and bitterness that highly impact her and can form an interesting dichotomy with her love and enjoyment. (TV: The Woman Who Fell To Earth, TV: Arachnids In The UK, TV: The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos, TV: Resolution, TV: Spyfall pt1/pt2, TV: Orphan 55, TV: Fugitive of The Judoon, TV: The Timeless Children, TV: Revolution of The Daleks, & Prose: The Good Doctor)

In TV: Rosa we see this ability to have her anger come across as cold, this allows her to stay in charge of a situation while still expressing her anger outwards to people she doesn’t trust or does not need/don’t deserve her to empathise with them like in TV: Rosa.

“Doctor: ...So, temporal displacement weapon. Horrible things. Can't stand them. Krasko: Thank you. Doctor: Not a compliment. Takes a lot of power to displace things in Time. I think you and I both know your weapon's pretty much out of juice. And I've got your spare battery. You've been leaving traces of residual Artron energy all over 1955. Krasko: And what are you, the Artron Police? Maybe you are. The blue box in the alley. Is it a Tardis? Doctor: Might be. What's it to you? Krasko: Well, it could be worth a lot. Doctor: Nah, not that one. Second hand, huge mileage, one careless owner. Mind you, it's better than a Vortex Manipulator, like the one on your wrist. Cheap and nasty time travel. Doctor: So, what do you want with Rosa Parks? Krasko: Who? Doctor: Oh, now you're being annoying. Krasko: The feeling's mutual. Doctor: How long have you been here? Krasko: Get out of Montgomery. Doctor: You're not the first to say that to us. Krasko: If I see any of you again, I will kill you. Doctor: Don't threaten me.”

Her agitation, anxiety and hypervigilance can leave her in a very restless state. (TV: The Woman Who Fell To Earth, TV: Arachnids in The UK, TV: Kerblam!, TV: It Takes You Away, TV: Spyfall pt1/pt2, TV: Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror, TV: Praxeus, TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, Prose: The Secret in Vault 13, Comic: New Beginnings, & Comic: Alternating Current)

The Doctor shows a strong need to be in control of situations, when she isn’t able to have a handle on the situation it increases the above-mentioned stress symptoms. She also uses her cold anger to maintain her control. (TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth, TV: The Ghost Monument, TV: Arachnids In The UK, TV: Kerblam!, TV: Orphan 55, TV: Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror, TV: Praxeus, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, TV: Village of The Angels, TV: Survivors of The Flux, Prose: Combat Magicks, Prose: The Good Doctor, & Comic: Hidden Human History)

The above quote from TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum after the loss of her TARDIS also shows the need The Doctor has to control the staff of the ship as well as putting her needs above the others when in a distressed state. In TV: The Witchfinder we see how being perceived as female puts her in a space where she is seen as having to automatically be less powerful, she consistently pushes back, and while warranted the way she goes about it matches other times she tries to maintain control. 

In TV: Fugitive Of The Judoon we have the way she tries to control the situation when the Fugitive!Doctor is trying to handle things. Thirteen can’t help but try to be the one who is manipulating events. 

“Fugitive!Doctor: She's nobody. Doctor: Fine. I'm nobody. Absolutely nobody. See, I know why you want her. You've got a contract, fair enough. But you? You want her dead because she left her job? Fugitive!Doctor: Shut up. Gat: Is that what she told you? This goes way higher than me. Doctor: So, who would that be? Who are you all ultimately working for? I'd really like to know. Really. Judoon: Information confidential. Fugitive!Doctor: I told you to keep quiet. Doctor And look where that's gotten us. Lots of guns in lots of faces. Fugitive!Doctor: And have you got a better idea? Doctor: I do, actually. My favourite. The curveball and the Judoon. You wanted to find The Doctor? Fugitive!Doctor: Don't you dare. Doctor: Well, here I am. Fugitive!Doctor: Will you be quiet? Doctor: Go on, scan me. Judoon 2: Fugitive match positive. Fugitive match positive. Fugitive!Doctor: Is there even a word for how dumb you are? Doctor: Doctor?”

In TV: War of the Sontarans we see how The Doctor challenges the power structure out on the field of battle, knowing she is the best option for survival, as well as having a dislike for those in charge. The people she is around don’t trust her to handle what she can because of her perceived gender and her wanting to avoid violence on the soldiers. 

A way this control is sometimes maintained is through having a bravado of how she interacts with other people. (TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth, TV: The Ghost Monument, TV: The Witchfinders, TV: Spyfall pt2, TV: Village of The Angels, TV: Survivors of The Flux & Prose: Combat Magicks)

This can play into overconfidence like when she goes to face the Dalek in TV: The Eve of The Daleks getting her and her friends exterminated. This shows again in TV: Power of The Doctor when she takes time to gloat towards The Master and ends up getting shot and regenerating. 

In TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati we have an interesting comment on the power and control in her relationships and how it isn’t always something The Doctor wants but has become what they feel they have to do:

“Doctor: ... The world you came from, the world you were created in won't exist, so neither will you. It's not just his life at stake. It's yours. You want to sacrifice yourself for this? You want me to sacrifice you? You want to call it? Do it now. All of you. Yeah. Cos sometimes this team structure isn't flat. It's mountainous, with me at the summit in the stratosphere, alone, left to choose. Save the poet, save the universe. Watch people burn now or tomorrow. Sometimes, even I can't win.”

This line means The Doctor doesn’t like control, but shows that control has become compulsive and built into how they function on a base level. 

While Thirteen doesn’t talk about her past regenerations or the ideal of The Doctor it’s still a huge part of her schema. ‘The Doctor is an ideal can be seen in this Doctor even if she talks about it less than the previous regenerations. But her struggles with identity are still very visible before and after the Timeless Child. 

She seems somewhat afraid of who she is. As discussed above she kept a film between her and her companions which makes it easier for her to not have to fully face it. Some of this seems to stem from her introduction to this regeneration being born from the suicidal space Twelve lived in. As well as she has lost many companions in ways where they are cut off and the perceived betrayal of Missy. As well as her first adventure ending with Grace dying. Forming the idea of who she is while she is still 'fizzing'. (TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth)

Her strong identity issues spiral out of control after the loss of Gallifrey and then the Timeless Child. (TV: Arachnids In The UK, TV: Demons of the Punjab, TV: Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror, TV: The Timeless Children, TV: Revolution of The Daleks, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, TV: Once, Upon Time, TV: Village of The Angels, TV: Survivors of The Flux & TV: The Vanquishers) 

In TV: Resolution we see The Doctor discuss her identity in terms of her long and horrible relationship with the Daleks. 

“Doctor: I learned how to think like a Dalek a long time ago.” & “Doctor: Oh, mate. I'm The Doctor. Ring any bells?”

She doesn't seem happy about her being able to understand Daleks, understandably she dislikes weapons and hides a lot of the violence-related trauma she has. Trying to integrate all of history is extremely hard for Thirteen who deeply wants to be a good and hopeful person. But in the second line when no one is looking at her she experiences glee in scaring the Dalek. She owns her name/title very strongly to get one up on the Dalek, but it hurts to do so when she would have to do more than threaten an enemy. 

Another key part of This Doctor’s characterization is a consistent need to present herself as hopeful and nice, moralising for herself and others,  and her history of connection to violence. She wants to consistently try and give people hope, even if her ability to feel it herself might be affected due to the stressful mindset her C-PTSD puts her in during the early part of her run and becomes stronger as time goes on.

Right off the bat in TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth we get a very prototypical Doctor quote while she is getting in touch with who is going to be. 

“Doctor: We're all capable of the most incredible change. We can evolve while still staying true to who we are.” & “Doctor: There's one thing I'm certain of. When people need help, I never refuse.”

A moment of trying to give others hope that is deeply genuine even with the grief overlaying it was in TV: Demons of The Punjab. During the wedding scene, she wants to believe and wants to be kind. And it was kind. She understands war, grief, and the loss of those closest to you. These are the moments when the silly old-time traveller is truly The Doctor. 

“Doctor: I know there aren't many certainties in any of our lives, but Umbreen, Prem, what I see you in you is the certainty you have in each other. Something I believe in my faith. Love, in all its forms, is the most powerful weapon we have, because love is a form of hope and, like hope, love abides in the face of everything. You both found love with each other. You believed in it, you fought for it, and you waited for it. And now, you're committing to it. Which makes you, right now, the two strongest people on this planet. Maybe in this universe.”

A similar situation happens in TV: The Tsuranga Conundrum where The Doctor invokes hope in a way that is both being kind as well using the idea as an identity support. 

“Doctor: Thank you, Mabli. I'll be sure to tell them how brilliant you were.” Mabil: You all were. Light in dark times. Doctor: People prevail. Hope prevails."

During TV: The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos we see her again invoke hope in a way that is slightly less meaningful and comes across as nicer than it does kind. It is part of a pattern she’s created for herself. 

“Doctor: None of us know for sure what's out there. That's why we keep looking. Keep your faith. Travel hopefully. The universe will surprise you... constantly”

This functions as a pillar of their identity, needing to be a positive person to embody 'laugh hard, run fast, be kind.’ Part of her need for control, and having a tendency towards black-and-white thinking.

[eclaire-went-bam]

i'm gonna post this here bcs initially i posted it to cf on instagram but frankly i have too many cfs who don't know i'm Disordered™ in this way LMAO

this isn't a super emotional vent & shouldn't have any triggers However it is a super annoyed one

i think i try too often to be "silly" scary & mean & Obviously i don't Actually Try to be either of those, i just like being annoying. i find i do this automatically with "friends" who aren't an ep — if everyone else leaves and i'm stuck with just an ep, i suddenly act like a normal person again LMAO

but anyways point is: in this act, i act really stupid on purpose. i act like a cartoon character. i'm a creature of Show✨. i often make subtle jokes abt murder & stuff that'd probably be seen as angsty teenager cringe. i tease people in a very well-meaning but annoying way. this is my persona that has been established in these circles. i want to make it clear, people do not get offended when i'm like this & when they do i make sure to ask about it & apologise bcs that's ~Healthy~ & at the end of the day they usually seem to really enjoy the way i act (some ppl actually seem to enjoy the attention from teasingly psychoanalysing them A Bit Too Much haha)

but SOMETIMES someone takes the act a bit too seriously?? thinking i'm actually Trying to be mean or threatening or whatevs??? & goes "ur gonna have to try harder than that!! it's not working!!!!" and i'm like okaaaayyyyy big boy

& then i actually do what they say & suddenly it hits a wound a bit too deep. just one single sentence.

this just happened 2 days ago & i get it but idk maybe don't get too proud when it's clear it's just fun&games (the same fun&games as Always) & then get shocked.

frankly, i will not feel bad

& i often don't even realise what is “too far” (it's either probably the autism or the low empathy + egocentrism = i wouldn't be hurt if someone said it to me, so why would others?) most times so maybe don't make it a competition bcz then my narc brain Will compete & then try to make me feel bad abt it

me when i'm in friend groups where i constantly intentionally do & say things so everyone thinks i'm stupid & then i act like i'm not for once ;;;

listen. i may not feel guilty for my actions. i may even think you're Unwise for making your ticks so obvious & then proceeding to act like they aren't. however i would greatly appreciate it if you didn't make it some competition that you can't be scared or offended when you very clearly Can Be, you just think you can't be by me bcs you think a cute little afab like wittle ole me is incapable. & then it all gets soooo awkward afterwards even when i try to apologise but they keep going on abt how it was Too Far and That Hurt & when they finally stop they're just awkwardly quiet until they leave

i can understand getting competitive like this & doing whatever necessary to "win" is not a healthy trait & is probably a result of x y & z npd stuff & yes i did feel very ugly when they started belittling me out of Nowhere but idkkk right now i'm just annoyedddd

usually if someone gets like that i have an ep w/ me who knows i'm a narc i can dm to tell them what i Wanted to say & they can laugh w me (sometimes just acting stupid with others but in the know with an ep makes the feeling go away without actually needing to risk doing anything toxic) but they weren't there this time </222

[copaceticjillybean]

TW: long and loud ooc vent/rant under the cut.

Ooc: OKAY, THAT IS IT!

I am not on a hiatus, I am on a BREAK. The difference? A break is a lot less scary or prolonged than a hiatus. It was gonna be a long hiatus, but I have changed my mind on that.

As for why I changed my mind? Well, I drank a big glass of Screwitol and have decided that I will NOT let something that’s supposed to be a hobby I do for FUN cause me emotional and mental distress-and neither should any of you, my lovely writing peeps!

If you need to hard block someone-DO IT! Don’t let yourself be terrified that it’ll hurt someone’s feelings. Life is too short, and unless that person is someone you genuinely value to the point of having a legit friendship with them (as in more than just writing together) then STOP LETTING YOUR INNER PEOPLE-PLEASER MAKE YOU MISERABLE! I’m sure gonna start blocking more easily and without fear going forward.

If you need to filter content-DO IT! Why come onto a site just to see stuff that sends you into a triggered mess? This is supposed to be FREAKIN’ FUN!

And if someone you know/follow is interacting with someone who makes you uncomfortable, you have only 3 choices-ignore it, mention it to them and leave it in their hands, or block them. (Note: the 2nd option should only be done if the person in question is committing ACTUAL HARM against ACTUAL PEOPLE. You not liking their content isn’t enough to try and make your writing peeps aware-they likely know that stuff already and are able to handle it according.)

And if you do option 2 and they want to continue interacting with them? Then you can either do options 1 or 3 next. And don’t let anyone make you feel like you can’t make EITHER CHOICE. We are adults who are trying to write with other adults-the middle school bull crap needs to stop. If you decide you don’t want to play with someone anymore, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO!

Tumblr has a very dangerous precedent of people either whining about ‘there’s no such thing as over-communication’ (which, as someone who suffers from confession-style OCD, yes there absolutely is!) or getting waaaaaay too attached to people in downright parasocial ways. I don’t think I really understood that until recently, but it’s unfortunately really true.

It…it’s just exhausting, seeing that kind of BS all the time. And it genuinely DID make me consider leaving, to try and hide on discord only, where common sense seems a bit more prevalent.

…but I won’t. For 2 main reasons.

I won’t because, for as actual unhinged as this hellsite is, there are people here who I’ve come to enjoy writing and interacting with so very, very much. People who are talented and kind, and who I’m so excited to see pop up on dash. They have listened to me when I was hurting, and helped make me a better writer and a better person.

And I won’t because I am spiteful. I WILL continue writing on here IN SPITE of the creeps who continue to circulate the site. I WILL continue writing on here IN SPITE of the way we’ve been conditioned to not speak Ooc in a way that’ll ’rock the boat’. And I WILL continue to write on here IN SPITE of how scary it can be. Because I will be the one who makes the choice to leave this site entirely-my anxiety and the fact predators and abusers exist will NOT run me off.

For any who read all that: thank you.

For my lovely mutuals, thank you for being so freakin’ awesome.

For my irl bestie: I love you to the moon and back, and you are literally one of the most important people in my life and the best writer I know.

And for those of you on here who helped talk me through the anxiety that put a major dent in my Christmas Eve and Christmas Day this year: Yoy majorly helped talk me down from an anxiety spiral that shook me hard. I am forever grateful for that.

And now, with all that said-I’m going on a little break. But I will be back. And until I am-stay safe, stay kind, and ttfn, ta ta for now!

-Mun TNTPig :@3