#i will listen to the most triggering vents from this person but when the one time i needed someone badly they were just like

[mooodyblue]

venting in the tags don't mind me 🤥

[turtletaubwrites]

Bend Until You Break ~ Part 1

Thank you for this request from the lovely @anemptypuddingcup for a Yandere!Law that the Reader goes to for help with a serious health condition, only for Law to take a liking to her... I swear I will write sweet Law one of these days, but for now please enjoy Yandere!Law. This contains !!DARK CONTENT!! so please check the warnings, and skip this one if it may be triggering or uncomfortable for you. This one's for us hypermobile baddies out there. 🥄

Pairings: YANDERE!Trafalgar Law x Fem!Reader

Bend Until You Break ~ Masterlist

Word Count: 2679

Ao3 Link

Summary: You have struggled with mystery pains and injuries for most of your life, and had resigned yourself to suffer after every doctor told you there was nothing wrong. But when a world renowned doctor/pirate comes to town to offer aid in exchange for supplies, you decide to give hope one more chance. Maybe you'll finally find a doctor you can trust.

Rating/Warnings: Explicit Sexual Content, 18+ ONLY, MDNI, AFAB!Reader, She/Her Pronouns for Reader, Reader-Insert, DARK CONTENT, DUBCON, Dubious Consent, Swearing, Eventual Smut, Yandere, Manipulation, Power Imbalance, Hypermobility, Medical Examination, Medical Trauma, Medical Conditions, Chronic Pain, Injury, Physical Disability, Physical Therapy, Doctor/Patient, Abuse of Authority, Kidnapping, Possessive Behavior, Other Additional Tags to be Added, (Reader is described as having hair "above her shoulders" that she can brush)

A/N: This chapter is SFW, but I'm adding in many tags to start out with since this mini series will contain heavy/dark content. PLEASE heed the tags, and do not read this fic if you aren't comfortable with these topics. Some of these medical issues may or may not have come from personal experience 🙃

Extra A/N: I am not a doctor, and this is not meant to be educational, or to contain any health advice. Please seek a health professional. Hopefully you'll have better luck than Reader 🙄

| masterlist | about me | rules | ao3 |

I should just leave. He’ll just tell me the same things. It’s a waste of time. 

You were close to convincing yourself to walk away, especially as the discomfort and pain of standing in one place for so long started radiating up your body. 

The line got shorter, and you stretched and bounced, trying to hang onto a sliver of hope.

“Hello, how’s your day going?”

A talking polar bear in an orange jumpsuit waved at you from behind a small table, handing you a clipboard. 

“I-I’m well thanks. How…”

“Good! It’s always nice when the captain can help people. He’s the best! Just fill that out, and he’ll be with you soon.”

Looking at the form brought you out of the shock of speaking to a bear. Instead, it filled you with intense frustration, until you were practically boiling in your skin.

‘Rate your pain from 1-10.’

How the fuck am I supposed to rate all the different types of pain I’m in on any given day?

‘Circle the parts of the body where you are experiencing pain.’

I could put circles over so many things. Might as well circle the whole fucking chart, and have them call me a liar.

‘List your diagnoses, and family medical history.’

I don’t have one, doctors never find anything. Mom has some similar symptoms, but they're so mild that she's never tried to get a diagnosis. You’re the one who’s supposed to figure this out!

You resisted the urge to vent your anger onto the page, bullshitting your way through instead. You tried to write in the most convincing way to get this new doctor to take you seriously. 

This new doctor. “The Surgeon of Death.” A fucking pirate. 

But he was supposed to be the best, and he was here on your shitty little island for a couple of weeks, trading medical treatment for the town's supplies. You had already heard reports of “miracles,” that he could perform surgeries in an instant, that he could fix anyone. 

Please fix me.

This was it. You couldn’t take anymore trying after this. Just trying to get a doctor to listen to or believe you was almost worse than the daily pain. Almost.

“Miss Y/N? The captain is ready for you now. My name is Bepo, by the way,” the bear grinned as he took the clipboard from your clammy hands. At least you hoped it was a grin.

He handed the form back to you as he led you through the dimly lit hallways of this strange submarine. It felt like you’d entered some other realm, an underworld, on your way to strike a deal with a demon. 

As long as he can fix me…

“Here you are,” Bepo motioned as he opened a large metal door. “You’re in great hands.”

Hands. 

Hands were the first things you noticed as you entered the examination room. 

Those hands were tensed over the back of a rolling chair, gripping the thin padding as if waiting for you so he could sit down. 

Long fingers mesmerized you, tattoos etched along the back of each hand. And as you stepped into the well lit room, you saw the word “death,” spelled out across both sets of those fingers. 

The sound of his throat clearing snapped your eyes to his, your skin flushing as you realized he’d been speaking to you. 

As you realized how fucking gorgeous he was. His black hair looked a bit mussed, but it only added to the effect, along with his goatee, and his dark, pretty eyes.

Already more useful than my other doctors. Easy on the eyes. 

“May I look at your form, miss?”

‘Oh, of course,'' you stuttered, thrusting the paper toward him. “I’m Y/N.”

“Dr. Trafalgar. You can take a seat.”

Well, his bedside manner seems pretty standard, you thought with a small sigh, sitting down on the familiar crinkly paper covering the exam table. 

He circled behind you to close the door, and what sounded like a lock clicking into place had your heart rate spiking. 

“Stand up, please,” he said firmly, your form still unseen in his hand. 

“Oh, sorry. I thought you said–”

“Walk to the corner, and sit back down, please.”

His voice was unreal. You would have jumped through hoops for him anyway, praying that any doctor would listen. 

But his command seemed to curl into your brain, and you followed it immediately. 

“Why are you favoring that hip?”

“Oh, it…” 

Here’s where your credibility would fall apart. Your nails dug into your palms as you willed him to believe you.

“Sometimes if I stand too quickly, it feels loose. Sometimes it pops, and is so painful that I can’t put any weight on it.”

He stared at you for a moment, and you fought not to recite a list of excuses, to try to explain why it hurts when you’d never been injured before. 

“And your right knee?”

“Oh, it’s not bad right now. It used to swell sometimes, and was really painful. But it’s not as bad as it used to be.”

“Did you sustain any injuries?”

“N-No. None that I can recall.”

His lips quirked a bit before he reviewed your chart.

Believe me. Believe me. Believe me.

“You’ve reported your shoulders as being your most pressing concern. Why is that?”

His eyes were almost painfully sharp as he scanned you, focusing on your face as you answered him. He’d sat backwards on the rolling chair, his arms folded across the back with his legs spread wide to either side.

“They’ve been acting up recently. They often feel… loose. That’s how it feels to me. Sometimes if I move a certain way it almost feels like they pop out of place. But I can still move them after, it’s just incredibly painful. And then it’s weak, and I can barely hold anything.”

“What are some of the activities that have caused this to happen?”

He was impossible to read. But you couldn’t lie. He wouldn’t be able to help you if you lied.

“Um, brushing my hair. Taking off a jacket. P-Putting a sports bra on.”

“Did you used to have longer hair?”

“What?”

“Do you keep your hair above your shoulders to prevent shoulder pain? Or does brushing it still cause issues at this length?”

“Oh. Yes, actually. I used to have much longer hair.”

“I imagine you’ve adjusted many aspects of your life to cope with this pain.” 

Warmth flowed into that deep voice, and you shivered as you watched him steeple his fingers against his lips for a moment. 

“If you are comfortable, I would like to run through a few simple movements to check your flexibility. Many of which you can do on your own, but I will check in again if you are comfortable with me touching you for the others. You can always let me know if you would like to stop.”

“Okay.”

The doctor dug through a drawer to pull out a clear measuring device, almost like two rulers connected at one end. He adjusted it, creating an angle before setting it aside. 

He never picked up the device again, and you fought not to shake. He looked at your elbows, your knees, your thumbs, your pinkies, frowning slightly as you followed his instructions.

“Now, please bend over, and try to touch your toes. Just go as far as you– hm.”

Your palms were flat on the ground, just as they’d always been able to go. You could even put the back of your hands down, and stretch them along the ground behind you if you wanted to. 

“Doctor?”

“You can take a seat.”

Wincing as you sat, you shook out your legs, feeling his eyes as he watched your every movement. 

He stood, towering over you as he came close.

“For this next part of the examination, I will be touching you with my hands, and in some cases leaning or holding parts of your body against mine so that I can check the range of motion in your joints. I may also massage certain tight muscles to help you relax as we move through the problem areas. You have quite the list for us to get through, but if at any time you wish for us to stop, just let me know. Do you understand?”

“I do,” you breathed, your face angled up to meet his.

“Do you consent to me touching you?”

His voice came out softer once again, and you couldn’t hold in a shiver as you consented.

Those fingers…

His long fingers were so gentle as they crept across your body, testing, pushing, pulling. You fought to listen to his commands, pushing against or holding your body how he told you. 

“I imagine that seeking treatment has been challenging for you,” he rasped as he leaned over your face, his fingers gently massaging your shoulders. 

The pain and pleasure of his hands testing you had brought up a strangely emotional pressure, almost like tears in your throat.

“It has.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N. It must be incredibly difficult to suffer so much pain, and not be believed.”

You started to nod to keep your voice from cracking, but he pressed his fingers into your skin just a bit.

“Can you keep still for me,” he whispered, and it sounded so close that you opened your eyes.

“Just relax,” the doctor soothed as he stepped away, pulling a few tissues out to press against your cheeks and temples, catching the tears that had spilled when you’d opened your burning eyes.

“I’m sorry, doc–”

“No need to be sorry, Y/N. You have been suffering, been living with pain for years. It’s all those doctors that left you like this that should feel ashamed.”

His fingers had returned to your body, still relaxing, and testing.

“Thank you, doctor.”

“Please, call me Law.”

He was pressing gently along your collarbones as his name rolled over you, a small sound escaping your throat as you melted beneath him. 

“Do you have a good support system? People in your life that can help you with this?”

“I mean, my mom and my boyfriend help me. They’re supportive.”

He took those fingers away, and you mourned them, wishing you could feel that soothing touch forever.

“I’m going to test your hips now, Y/N. Please tell me if you experience any pain.”

“Okay,” you agreed, feeling self conscious of your breathy voice. His words just kept pouring over you, his voice so relaxing, so good. 

“How does that feel, Y/N?”

“Fine.”

He had your leg stretched along his torso, your foot dangling over his shoulder. You clamped your eyes shut. The sight of him between your spread legs, pushing your leg toward you, had you biting your lip, trying not to make any more embarrassing noises. 

“How’s this?”

“Fine.”

He hadn’t gotten close to your limit, but he went agonizingly slow. You could feel his firm abs warming your thigh through your clothes, his thin shirt not doing much to keep the press of him at bay. 

“You said that your mom and your boyfriend support you. How do they do that?”

“Oh, uh,” you shook your head, trying to focus on the question, and not the gentle rocking motion he’d started as he pushed you even further.

“They help me when… They help me when I’m having bad days. They listen. They both do little different things when things are bad.”

“How’s this?”

“Still fine.”

“You can go further?”

“Yeah, I can–,” you had reached for your thigh, planning to pull it toward your chest to show him, but his eyes above you stopped you before his voice did. 

“I’ll get you there, Y/N. You can hurt yourself if you rush. Can you take it slow for me?”

“Perfect,” he praised when you nodded, still gently rocking your body forward and back as he pushed, finally reaching the limit. 

“That is quite the range of motion,” he noted, carefully laying that leg down to move to the other side. “May I?”

He set himself up again, moving slow as he used his body to stretch you.

“You said that they help you on bad days, is that right?”

Meeting his sharp eyes, you took a minute to understand.

“Yes, they do.”

His face tilted a bit as he pressed closer. He started that gentle rocking motion, almost thrusting against you to help your body relax. 

“But Y/N, from what I’ve seen today, it seems like all of your days are bad. Aren’t they?”

“I…”

“All these years with no one to believe you. It must be hard to believe yourself sometimes. Do you think they really believe you, Y/N? Do they believe how much pain you’re in as you struggle through each day? As you stand up too fast, or brush your hair? Do you think they understand?”

He’d pushed closer, looming over you as he held your thigh against him. 

“Why are you–”

“I need to make sure that my patients have the support systems they need.”

His voice had smoothed back now, from almost heated to cool and detached.

He’s the only person that’s ever seemed like they understand. He must believe me. Of course he would be passionate about it, he’s a doctor. A doctor that believes me.

Closer and closer, his eyes watching yours.

“Do they believe you?”

“I think,” you started, eyes wide as you fought more tears, “I think they try to believe me. They just… They don’t know what it’s like. They don’t understand.”

“How’s this?”

“It’s fine.”

“Alright, last push.”

Your thigh was pressed between your bodies, and he stayed there.

“Does this hurt, Y/N,” he rasped, his breath warming your face. 

“No.”

He helped you stretch your leg out on the table, sitting backwards in the rolling chair before he told you to sit up.

“I believe I understand the cause of your pain, and why you’ve had a difficult time obtaining a diagnosis.”

“Can you fix it?”

Your thrill of excitement got caught in your throat at the look in his eyes, his palm up to halt your questions. 

“I believe it may be a connective tissue disorder, which would explain your hypermobility, as well as the complications you’ve had with many parts of your body. You've already met the criteria for one type based on our examination today. I would like you to come back tomorrow so that we can review more of your symptoms to be sure, and to discuss treatments.”

“You can do surgery, right? Can you fix it?”

You had gestured to him, your body panicking with failing hope. A gasp left your throat as those tattooed fingers caught your hand, his thumb rubbing over your skin as his voice went low.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. This is not a condition that can be cured,” he confessed, squeezing your hand as your body slumped. “Connective tissues run throughout our entire body, and if I am correct, yours may be weaker than most. 'Loose,' as you said. Unfortunately, there is no known way to repair or replace those tissues.”

A weight fell over you, and you found yourself not quite in your body. Your body that you’d fought so hard to fix.

That can never be fixed.

The doctor pressed your hand between his, smoothing over and warming your fingers until you were present enough to meet his eyes.

“It may not be curable, Y/N, but it can be managed. You don’t need to suffer alone in such pain like you have been. I’ll do everything I can to ensure that things are better for you. Do you trust me?”

There was something so intense about his face. The way he looked at you felt heavy, like he really did see the weight you’d carried all these years. You sank into those gray eyes, and realized you did.

“I trust you, Doctor.”

“Please. Y/N,” he hummed, releasing your hand, “call me, Law.”

Likes and reblogs bring me much ✨dopamine✨ thank you so much!

a/n: Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! Welcome to my frustration with the health care system 😅

Tag List: @shewrites02 | @jadeddangel

Part 2

| masterlist | about me | rules | ao3 |

[yanderes-galore]

yandere concept for redson lmk? please

Sure...! Hope you like it :)

Yandere! Red Son Concept

Pairing: Platonic -> Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Denial, Dark themes, Stalking, Delusional behavior, Condescending behavior, Unhealthy relationships, Jealousy, Possessive behavior, Violence, Branding briefly mentioned, Isolation/Kidnapping, Dubious companionship/Forced relationship implied

I feel like Red Son would be the type of yandere to think he doesn't like his obsession... yet does at an unhealthy amount.

Due to how Red Son acts with people, I can see him in denial at the idea of liking anyone but his family.

This goes for both friends and family.

He just... doesn't think he can do such a thing.

He sees everyone as peasants compared to him and is too prideful to stoop to such a level.

He's dramatic and temperamental, he isn't used to being close with people.

So much that he gets uncomfortable with physical affection and fears being emotionally vulnerable.

As a result, I feel Red Son would be very rude to his obsession at first.

If this sounds familiar... This is because he seems like he'd fall a bit into the 'Tsundere' archetype at first.

Red Son acts like he hates your guts, like he only sees you as a peasant and wants nothing to do with you.

He may even sense this odd attachment to you but tries so hard to ignore it.

He can't seem to get you out of his head no matter how hard he tries.

In response, he may even be a bit more cruel in his words towards you.

He doesn't understand why he can't stop thinking about you.

Which makes him vent his frustrations about you... at you.

Red Son comes off as condescending at the start of the obsession.

He thinks he should see you as beneath him.

Yet, Red Son is quite the lonely demon due to his personality.

He's so deep in denial when it comes to you.

The moment he thinks of you fondly, or even finds himself wanting some sort of bond between you...?

He immediately thinks you did something to him and not that he wants to be friends.

Red Son would either take a long time to confront his obsession, or need someone to help him.

Said someone is most likely MK or Mei, which is a humiliating experience for him.

MK and Mei were most likely his first friends/allies, so if he ever did break and confess his situation... They'd probably tell him he wants to be your friend or something similar.

Red Son doesn't even consider romantic feelings until he becomes friends with you.

With some help, he finally manages to talk to you.

And you're so nice it's both sickening yet pleasing to him.

Even as "friends", Red Son struggles on connecting.

Yet he's less condescending now thankfully.

He does realize that his words have hurt you... and he doesn't want that....

He isn't the most affectionate friend, mostly closed off as he rants to you about something.

He's actually surprised you even listen to his rants.

It... feels a little nice, actually.

Keep in mind that Red Son is not used to anyone caring about his emotions.

So the fact you let him vent is a... nice yet foreign change.

Red Son would probably not see his behavior as bad once it starts manifesting.

He is still new to the whole friend thing... so jealousy is probably something he thinks just... happens.

He feels a bit embarrassed at first to admit he wants to hang out.

Yet when he puts aside his ego, he really does enjoy your presence.

Maybe you aren't a peasant....

Due to his temperamental nature, I think you can tell when he's jealous.

He's seething when your attention is taken away from him during one of your hangouts.

After all, this is time for just you two.

Why does someone else have to ruin it?

Due to his entitlement, Red Son would make a fuss over someone paying attention to you.

The moment you ignore him he has a fit.

No, no, no! This is your time together.

I can see you trying to prevent a fight due to Red Son threatening whoever decided they would speak to you.

Best you calm him before flames start sparking.

Red Son definitely thinks it's a privilege to be his friend.

He deserves your time and will get it no matter what.

Even when you don't hang out, I can see him still trying to watch what you're doing from afar.

After all... are you having more fun with other people?

In that case... He just needs to plan how to win you over better.

Until someone mentions something, Red Son may not realize his behavior stems from romantic feelings.

Isn't it normal for friends to be jealous of others?

Isn't it normal for him to enjoy your smile when he shows you his inventions?

It's gotta be normal for him to feel giddy at the thought of being alone with you... just you and him.

The longer he knows you, the more vulnerable he is with you.

Except he never notices until you point it out... immediately causing him to grow defensive at your words.

It probably isn't until someone comments on his behavior that he considers his feelings for you aren't friendly.

Someone probably mentions he could have a crush on you in a teasing tone, only for him to tell them off.

Only to realize... maybe they're right?

He'd be in denial of his romantic feelings for a long time.

But then... Hey... It makes sense to him.

Why else would he be so possessive around you?

You're even the only person he tolerates physical affection with.

He's easily flustered but he will admit your hugs are addicting... He keeps thinking about them even at home.

The issue is... He has no idea how he'd even confess such a thing?

Which, for a long time, leaves Red Son silently fighting with his feelings.

It doesn't help that his heart flutters when you smile or his skin heats when you touch him.

You're clearly trying to be friendly, but it just has an entirely different effect on him.

Even now he still can't hide the jealousy he feels when others get your attention.

Part of him wonders if he asks you out and you date... if that means you're his now?

If he makes you his partner, does that mean he has control over you?

All of this is so new to him... and he is a demon.

Demons are naturally possessive of what they enjoy.

Especially him.

I can only imagine Red Son's is something he tries to make grande.

He plans it all out as some big reveal before dragging you towards him.

He'd say that it should be an honor to have his heart considering his parentage.

He'd accidentally be condescending in this... which may make you say 'No'.

If you said 'No', he's baffled.

How COULD you decline his offer!?

He worked so hard to make this perfect!

He'd throw a fit, give up for a bit, then realize he still very much needs you and decides to try again.

If you said 'Yes', he's smug.

He knew you'd agree with some convincing!

Truthfully, he was never going to take 'No' for an answer.

Now that you're dating, he feels entitled to you.

He's clingier and more demanding, often wrapping an arm around your waist.

Now he's overconfident, braggin to anyone that'll listen that you're his.

He's obsessive about you to an alarming degree.

He refuses to let you out of his sight without throwing a fit.

Scold him if you want, he isn't listening, probably will just tell his parents about all of your fights.

He's a brat that isn't afraid to burn someone if it meant he got you to himself.

By this point there's no going back.

People can correct him, but he's not listening.

All he really cares about is having you to himself.

He's never felt this way towards anyone else but you.

He'd be a fool to give you up now.

In terms of if Red Son would hurt anyone over you? I don't doubt it.

Sometimes he can't control his flames, which may lead to someone getting hurt.

That and I can see him eventually trying to have you move in with him.

After all, he lives in a castle.

Don't you want to live in a castle?

He'd definitely convince you to stay at Demon Bull King's Fortress.

He'd als desperately look for his parents' approval of you.

If they say you're a good fit... Then you never have to leave!

His kidnapping is typically coercion, carefully drawing you in like a moth to a flame.

Then he can keep you isolated in the castle, just so he can keep you to himself.

After that I can see him clinging to you, surprisingly giddy at the thought of having you to himself.

Now he doesn't need to share!

Seriously, who's willingly going to come here?

Not many! Which means you're all his.

Now you can love in peace!

This may seem OOC, but maybe Red Son could brand his obsession as punishment?

It's definitely way later into the obsession, most likely when he isolates you in the castle.

By that point he would've had to snap in order to make such a decision.

He'd brand a specific symbol or pattern to remind people that you're his, then immediately attempt to comfort you afterwards.

Ironically, Red Son is like playing with fire.

You're completely oblivious to what you do to him.

You think being friends will be nice.

Unfortunately... He just gets worse.

If you stay with him despite the warning signs... you're merely growing the fire deep inside him...

Soon his obsession will grow and grow if nothing is done to prevent it...

Leaving you to get burned.

[stoutguts]

ADHD/neurodivergent 🧼 (💀🧼 too bc why not/it's my comfort ship and I love them)

(chock full of my own personal HCs and ideas, also mental health stuff/issues/problems heyo)

I am most definitely all for autistic Ghost, but what about ADHD brain/neurodivergent Soap? I've seen few people talk about this or explore it so here we go.

Like, even though Johnny's generally laid back, he still tends to be very hyper or high-strung. Maybe even overwhelming for some people, and is easily excited almost like a puppy (golden retriever Soap my beloved), (Ghost thinking it's literally the cutest thing ever). Bro has either the attention span of a nat or is so hyper-focused on something he forgets to blink.

He has APD (auditory processing disorder),—and will ask you to repeat yourself 15+ times before he finally understands what your saying. This is incredibly frustrating for him, but like Price will lose his shit, because having to repeat himself is like one of his pet peeves lmao. Same thing, with Yuri.

Even Ghost and Gaz get fed up with him on occasion. Though Roach doesn’t give a fuck because they’re just as ADHD as him, and just loves to talk, plus their echolalia helps to sort things out lots of times. Gaz will give him the silent treatment and refuse to talk to him. Usually when Simon finally gets irritated with him it's lead to a fight. But it isn't long before Ghost feels bad and apologizes, and reassures him saying "I know you can't help it". Simon tries to work on learning to be more patient specifically for him. 💕

He does the same things that Simon does to stim, (though particularly pacing and bouncing his leg). But he also likes to chew on everything, whether it’s a pen/pencil, a cap off a water bottle or other plastic drink bottle—(This pisses off Simon in particular, and they’re always scolding him about how he’s gonna end up choking on it. Not to mention, he always leaves the nasty ass, spit-covered things around and forgets to throw them away after he’s done with one. Either leaving Ghost to pick up after him much to his disgust, or forcing Johnny to throw his own shit away, (as he should). If he gets ahold one of those spiky silicone balls from an arcade machine he likes to bite the nibs on it, etc. Simon has even bought him some chewlery because he orally stims so much, to which Soap uses all the time and was overjoyed when Ghost first got it for him. Though his chewlery needs to constantly be replaced because Johnny has unusually strong and sharp teeth. It’s not uncommon for him to completely destroy shit that he gets his paws on. Simon often comparing him to a dog or a teething puppy.

I am also totally for Johnny being just as mentally fucked as Ghost.

He’s the four b's, bisexual, bipolar, bilingual, and a bitch.

Like Simon, Johnny has generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), for similar or for maybe even the same reasons as Ghost. Not nearly to the same level of severity, but panic attacks and flashbacks do happen on occasion. As with certain things he's easily triggered.

He also struggles with bipolar disorder and/or severe manic depression. His bipolar tendencies making it incredibly difficult to maintain relationships in his youth, among many other things, (his past drug abuse/addiction only making him worse and more unstable). Though these days he’s medicated and for the most part stable, only sometimes going off his meds, (particularly when he relapses or is heavily triggered by something).

No therapist has ever been able to help Soap, though he does see a psychiatrist regularly.

Mostly for anti-psychotics and other prescription refills and the like, but can vent as much as he likes to them. Either that, or Simon doesn't mind lending an ear to listen when he needs it.

Similar to Ghost, Johnny can have very low self-esteem, but can also be of very high self-esteem, (it fluctuates due to his manic depression). And Simon is more than willing to give him reassurance and comfort, but equally doesn't mind knocking him off his high-horse, and/or, taking down his ego a few pegs if need be. (Which isn't so bad, as Johnny just so happens to have a degradation kink). >:3

Johnny is a highly reserved person, (though he’s able to put on a mask/a show for other people and strangers), and pretty stoic (all things considered), due to his traumatic upbringing. He has a very unhealthy habit of bottling up his emotions until he quite literally explodes, though he's trying to get better about that. But he can’t help but genuinely let his guard down, and has LEARNED to let his guard down around Ghost, the 1-4-1, and his sisters (the most important people in his life).

This tidbit has less to do with mental health and rather his personality but I still wanted to include it here so…

Soap is highly perceptive and emotionally intelligent. You can't hide anything from him as he can always tell when someone's lying to him, and he always knows when something's wrong. A true empath. He's also a very good liar himself because of this, but he uses this secret power responsibly, and would never lie to those closest to him and/or his loved ones.

All members of the 1-4-1 having highly specific phobias? Yes please.

As for Johnny…

He is deathly afraid of needles and hospitals (Trypanophobia and Nosocomephobia), because when he was growing up and as a young kid he was quite sickly, and often was in and out of the hospital. He's immunocomprised and gets sicks all the time, most of the time nowadays when he gets sick it's just a small cold, with the occasional illness that may put him out of commission for a bit—Simon always doting over him and making sure he’s okay when he even so much as senses he’s got a runny nose—Johnny finding it incredibly endearing, but when he was a child it was horrible. When he was hospitalized he'd suffer at the hands of doctors and nurses much too often, going through one too many traumatic experiences. Mostly, because of incompetence or just straight up apathy. Getting his IV done is the worst, because he's cursed with almost non-existent and small veins. Oh so jealous, of Ghost's huge and bulging veins. Someone will stick him upwards of 10 times or more, or until his arms are swollen, until they finally get it right usually. Not to mention, Johnny also has Hemophilia, and so he bleeds a lot which only makes it even more distressing. Soap specifically underwent medical and first-aid training, just so he could avoid going to medical himself as much as possible. His medical knowledge and training has happened to pay off lots of times in the field, for himself or for his teammates or squad’s sakes. Despite his aversion, he's not squeamish at all when it comes to mending his own wounds, or others weirdly enough. Even if he's severely injured he refuses to go to medical. Simon used to get really mad at him for this, because of not only his stubbornness, but seemingly his cockiness was what really pissed him off. And they know Johnny’s skills only go so far, and he's immunocomprised and a hemophiliac for crying out loud. Eventually Ghost confronted him about this, and after Soap explained everything it was a lot more understanding and sympathetic. Though it didn’t change the fact that it will borderline harass him if he’s seriously hurt and won’t go help himself, or just straight up force him to go to medical. Johnny always protests but ultimately he gives in, and Simon makes sure to give him emotional support and stay with him when he needs patched up.

Thank you for reading my ramblings, next post will be about my take on Ghost, his mental health, his autism, etc, probably!

[becauseimanicequeen]

Don't Ask Me for QL Recommendations Because My Taste is BAD

Bad as in TRASHY.

For your own good, don't ask me for recommendations.

I'm writing this because I've gotten some asks lately for QL recommendations and I wanted to spare you the pain.

If you still don't trust me (because to be fair, why would you? I'm just a random weirdo on the internet), let me tell you how bad my taste is so you'll know why I'm doing you a great favor by sparing you the pain.

(I also watch, and rewatch, series/films for ridiculous reasons, yet another reason not to listen to me. I’ll come back to this in a minute.)

Let's start with a brief rewind to a couple of decades ago (because it matters in this context).

The first queer content of any kind I can remember watching was Xena: The Warrior Princess in the late 90s and early 00s (I was a child/pre-teen at the time). It was such a pivotal point for me, which is why I remember it vividly. Not only was Lucy Lawless (the actress playing Xena) the most beautiful human being I had ever seen at that point, Xena was also queer and I loved her.

The series, though? It’s bad.

It’s over-the-top, contains ridiculous humor, face-palm-worthy fight scenes, etc., etc. (But, it was also the 90s, so it was quality television at the time, no matter what anyone else says.) It was so bad that it was ridiculously entertaining. I would watch it today (if I could find it anywhere…). That’s how bad my taste is (or how attached I am to bad shit).

That’s when the groundwork for my bad taste was laid. I blame THANK Xena: The Warrior Princess for it.

Then there was a huge skip until July last year when I found the Asian QL world, because I had no idea it even existed (I’m from Europe, btw).

(My personal story is that I fell into the queer/gay film world before the QL world, and the queer films I could find were made and released very sporadically. But ever since I found the treasure trove of Asian QL series in July 2023, I’ve watched 291 series/films as of right now.)

The reason I fell into the Asian QL world was thanks to a Short on YouTube with the main characters from Roommates of Poongduck 304 kissing. (Want to know what convinced me to watch it? One of them was wearing blue and the other pink, two of my favorite colors. Yep, that’s the reason. Told you it would be ridiculous.)

Since then, I’ve been exploring this rabbit hole and loving every second of all the bad shit that’s out there (there’s some great shit too, and some great things that aren’t shit at all, but they’re not really my taste because my taste is trashy, remember?).

I quickly noticed what my taste was pulling me towards and, in some cases, the trashier it was, the more I liked it.

(I’m talking about fiction here. I’m mature enough to be able to separate fiction from reality. Just because I enjoy watching a series/film that depicts a problematic topic, and sometimes do it in a problematic way, doesn’t mean I condone it in real life. I’m just putting this here as a disclaimer because people on the internet are easily offended nowadays. And I honestly don’t have time to respond to people who are venting their anger after purposefully misinterpreting what I’ve said, unless there’s a very valid reason, which there usually isn’t.)

So, what are some of my favorites that I absolutely do not recommend you watch?

Unless you want to watch trash, then, have at it. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

(Btw, if you like any of these, I apologize for calling your taste bad and trashy. But, if you like any of these, I think you already know your taste is bad. Also, if you like any of these, hey, bestie!)

Let’s start with the less extreme ones so I don’t scare you away from the start. After that, they’re in no particular order.

(With the issues/TW section for each series/film I include possible trigger warnings, taboo topics, what viewers/commenters have brought up as problematic, my possible issues with the writing, etc. I won’t list everything (because some of them would have looong lists) but I’m including some of the major ones.)

Kiseki: Dear to Me (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, age gap, “adoptive” brothers becoming lovers, etc.

Both couples in this series have their own set of issues. Ai Di and Chen Yi are the “adoptive” brothers who become lovers while Ze Rui and Zong Yi have an age gap (I can’t remember how big of an age gap but I think it was close to 10-ish years).

(Before I move on there’s one thing you should know about me… I was born into a family with a varying degree of age gaps within marriages, from 2 to 23 years. Even though we’ve talked about the bigger age gaps occasionally, it’s never been an issue. I don’t mind age gaps as long as they’re legal. Does that mean I would hook up with someone in their late teens or early twenties? No. I would rather hook up with someone who has a fully developed brain, which science suggests doesn’t happen until somewhere in the mid-to-late-twenties. But it does mean that age gaps (as long as they’re legal) aren’t something I’ll be bothered by or judgemental of.)

Kiseki: Dear to Me is one of my favorite series because:

It’s from Taiwan, and the Taiwanese QLs are generally great at dealing with more difficult and taboo topics.

Ai Di is the feistiest, most colorful, and pettiest bitch and I love him with my entire ice-cold heart.

Chen Yi looks amazing in black.

The neon lights (because I’m a slut for that).

Also, the kissing (from both couples) is great.

You know, I did say that these would be series/films I absolutely do not recommend you watch. But I’ll actually recommend this one. Watch it. It’s great.

Unknown (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Age gap, “adoptive” brothers becoming lovers, etc.

This is another one I’ll actually recommend you watch because it’s great.

The main couple (Qian and Yuan) are the “adoptive” brothers becoming lovers while the age gap is most prominent between San Pang (Qian’s business partner) and Lili (Qian’s younger sister). There’s also the fact that San Pang is part of their chosen family and has seen Lili grow up and stuff. So, if that bothers you, then don’t watch it.

The biggest reasons I would personally recommend it to those I know aren’t particularly bothered by taboo topics are because:

The yearning is palpable (and I love shit like that).

Qian would move heaven and earth for his family.

The great story.

The even more amazing acting.

Some moments made me bawl (and since I'm an ice queen, I get obsessed with shit that shatters my ice and makes me cry).

I know I said my taste is trashy… but I would actually give myself a gold star for loving this one.

Now, back to the real trash…

Love in the Air (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, SA, rape, MAME, etc.

Everyone and their aunt (or however the saying goes in English) seem to have an issue with MAME (the original creator of LITA and several other trashy BLs) and for good reason. (I would say that she improved a lot with Wedding Plan, which is the least problematic thing I’ve watched from her and it’s the latest series of hers, as of right now.) If she’s grown, remains to be seen. But it doesn’t change the fact that LITA has some issues.

Honestly, I just watch this for the visuals, as in the motorcycles and the neon lights. That’s it. That’s the reason.

I mean, if you look at the whole first sex scene between Sky and Prapai, you get what I mean with the neon lights. It’s divine. (I recently rewatched LITA for this very reason. A waste of time, you say? Not when you’re a slut for neon lights.)

Don’t watch this though! Just enjoy this gif instead…

I just saved you 13-ish hours of your life. You’re welcome.

TharnType and TharnType 2: 7 Years of Love (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, homophobia, domestic violence, MAME, etc.

Don’t watch this. This is bad. As in, really bad. And all the issues are in the main couple’s relationship.

But, since my taste is really bad, I rewatched this recently for horny reasons (it’s Mew, after all, and he’s got me in a chokehold for some reason). It’s still as bad as I remembered it, but I would still rewatch it for Mew’s sake (and because Techno is ridiculous throughout both seasons, which means I love him).

To be fair there are other, a lot spicier, series that I watch more often for horny reasons (yes, some of them are in this post because they’re trashy too), but none of them include Mew. And since I have to get my dose of Mew from time to time, I return to TharnType (especially the second season).

Big Dragon (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, blackmail, etc.

This isn’t that problematic in my opinion, but there is definitely a drug-induced sexcapade that’s taped and used for blackmail for a while. And that's how the series starts.

I recently did a rewatch of this and it was still bad (in a good way) and I loved every second of it.

What I love about this series are:

The visuals. The set designs are beautiful (especially Yai’s home and the bar, before he demolishes it). As a visual artist, this is speaking to my soul.

The chemistry between Yai and Mangkorn.

Pong and Park. Two idiots I love with my whole ice-cold heart.

And the title track because it’s addictive as hell to listen to.

Also, the sex (which my horny ass needs). Let's not forget the sex. Those scenes were also visually stunning, which made me love them even more.

Honestly, I'll kneel and bow down to this shit because it's that great.

Don’t trust my judgment, though, because my taste is trashy.

Only Friends (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Manipulation, stalking, promiscuity, etc.

This series is messy in terms of intrigue (especially from Boston and then Boeing’s part). The ending had some issues. The sex isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, either. I, on the other hand, would drink a whole pot of this.

Overall, I loved this trash. Mainly because of:

How visually stunning it is.

Sand. He’s a hardworking, good person. He’s also a proud bi!

How they depicted and handled Ray’s addiction and recovery. (I know some watchers were upset that the focus of the series landed on Sand and Ray towards the end while neglecting the other characters, which is a valid point. However, setting that aside, the way they portrayed Ray’s addiction and then his road to recovery in the last couple of episodes was realistic, and I loved it.)

The promiscuity, because I loved it and the mess it created.

Boston being a slutty asshole. The more of a slutty asshole he was, the more I loved him. (I know, it’s a me-problem.)

Boeing coming in and kissing (almost) everyone.

It’s trashy, it’s messy, and I love it!

But, I don’t recommend it to anyone.

My Beautiful Man 1, 2, and 3 Eternal (Japan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, obsession, bullying, lack of (or no real) communication, etc.

I love this series (2 seasons + 1 film), but I honestly don’t see it as particularly problematic. But I know others will disagree with me, so here it is on my list of trashy QLs.

I don’t mind Hira’s obsession because I know Kiyoi is just as whipped for Hira (even though he doesn’t know how to communicate it to Hira at first, especially in a way that Hira understands). Would I be okay with someone’s obsession and stalking in real life? Of course not. But, as I mentioned before, I’m mature enough to separate fiction from reality.

Also, I love miscommunicating characters, especially when the misunderstandings they create bring out all the emotions (angst, hurt, anger, sadness, embarrassment, etc.) and even the flight response. I especially love miscommunicating characters when they learn to communicate throughout the series/film. And this series is especially delicious on the miscommunicating part.

But, it’s also problematic, apparently. So, don’t watch it.

The End of the World With You (Japan)

Issues/TW: Blackmail, biphobia, cheating, etc.

I’ll be honest and say that I’ve only watched this series three times. And that’s because the biphobia is fucking annoying. In this series, the bi character is depicted as a cheater (which is common in QLs, btw). It’s an exasperating stereotype. Cheating has nothing to do with your sexuality and everything to do with who you are as a person.

(I mean, you can be a proud bi like Payu in LITA or Sand in OF. They have eyes only for one person as soon as they’re pursuing or dating someone. Give me more bi characters like this, please.)

We could discuss how cheating can be used as characterization in certain stories. But not in this one. Here, they’re basically using Ritsu’s bisexuality as the reason he’s cheating (since he’s sleeping with Masumi while having a thing going on with a girl, and then sleeping with a girl when he has a thing with Masumi), which is why it’s bothering me in this series.

If I’m going to tell you why I like this series, however, it’s for 2 reasons:

It’s about getting a second chance, a topic I love.

The sex (laser-focused horny Ritsu is my favorite Ritsu).

Check Out (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Biphobia, cheating, lazy writing, etc.

(It should be mentioned that I’ve read some comments about some issues involving the company behind this series. I haven’t dug deeper into this so I don’t really know if there’s any substance to the comments I’ve read (like official statements from the company or the other people involved, etc.). But I’m putting this out there in case this might be a potential issue for you (even though I’ve already told you that I don’t recommend you watch any of these because they’re all trashy).)

When I first checked this out at the beginning of this year, this series seemed to have created a storm of bad comments and reviews on MDL since it first came out. So, obviously, I needed to watch it because my taste is trashy.

And, you know what? I loved it!

Besides having the bi character depicted as a cheater (again, the use of this biphobic stereotype is so fucking annoying) and the sporadic clunky and stale scenes, I loved this series because:

It’s about second chances. As I mentioned before, I love that topic.

Best (the actor playing Daonuea) is the best in this series. There’s just something about him that grabs my attention every time. He has me in a similarly tight chokehold as Mew.

There’s sex (and my horny ass needs it).

But, it’s also trash, so don’t watch it.

Pit Babe (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Domestic violence, non-consensual, SA, age gap, etc.

This became popular. Really popular. I saw people comment about it everywhere. And usually, when stuff becomes popular, it’s more than likely reduced to trash quality by the general public. So, obviously, I had to watch it.

Did I end up loving it? Yes.

Honestly, the biggest issue this series had for me was the whole omegaverse thing (this was a new thing for me because I don’t come from an erotic fiction background, my head was rather stuck in fantasy fiction). And, from my limited understanding of this, they didn’t seem to fully commit to the omegaverse thing in Pit Babe, which was unfortunate.

The racing was also so-so for me, which hurt my soul because I usually love racing (cars, mcs, boats, etc.).

What I did like, however, was:

The chemistry between Pete and Kenta (and I’m so sad I only got crumbs of this).

Pavel (the actor playing Babe). I would watch and listen to him recite product placement scripts for toothpaste all day long.

The sex, especially the scene with Babe and Charlie in ep. 9 (even though it was mixed with clips from the racing) and Jeff and Alan’s scene in ep. 13 (because it was sensual, if we ignore the music).

The neon lights (have I mentioned that I’m a slut for neon lights?). I mean, just look at this:

I can watch that pinkish light all day long, even though Babe and Charlie are trying to distract me. (Especially Pavel!)

Dead Friend Forever (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Grooming, bullying, suicide & suicide attempts, etc.

Besides the issues listed above, this also suffered from lazy writing at the end. BUT, I fucking loved DFF anyway.

I never expected to love this series because it’s just a bunch of teenagers stuck at a house in the woods. How interesting could that be? Turns out, very.

DFF wasn’t perfect (perfection doesn’t exist anyway), but what I loved about it was:

The morally ambiguous characters.

The revenge plot.

The poetic justice.

The questioning of what was real vs hallucination.

The visually stunning shots.

The mask!

And Tan’s mask!

The beheading scene.

I could go on, but you get the point. I just love this piece of trash.

But, please, don’t watch it. You will suffer from brain rot. Trust me.

I, however, am currently rewatching this because I choose the brain rot. And my taste is trashy, remember? Or, perhaps I just love watching chaos unfold…

HIStory 3: Make Our Days Count (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, age gap, tragic ending, etc.

Everyone and their aunt and even their dog have an issue with the ending of this one. And it’s understandable.

I don’t necessarily like or dislike the ending. Obviously, the bury your gays trope is tragic in itself, and, tragically, it’s still being used. That’s why I couldn’t find myself liking the ending, even though I don’t mind tragic endings. (Romeo and Juliet is one of my favorite classics, which people tend to forget is a tragedy and not a romance, btw, but I digress…)

At the same time, though, this series made me cry for a whole episode before tragedy struck because I could feel it. And you have no idea how obsessed I get about shit that makes me cry (since I’m an ice queen).

(Another side note: one of my favorite BLs is Once Again, which made me bawl throughout the whole series. It’s not on this list because it’s neither trashy nor bad, but it’s still one of my favorites because it broke me in the best ways. But, anyway…)

The best part of this series from beginning to end was the other couple, at least for me. This couple is the one with the age gap (which, again, doesn’t bother me) and I fucking love them! One, because Wilson Liu (the actor playing Bo Xiang) is such a gem. Second, because their first time was such a spur-of-the-moment thing fueled by a desire that went from 0-100kph in less time than a Ferrari would. And I loved it (just as much as the squeezing of boobs from behind, which, for some reason, appeals to me).

Also, the twins are so pretty it’s annoying.

Do I recommend it, though? No, because I don’t have time to respond to the clap back I’ll get when you come to the end.

HIStory 4: Close to You (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, SA, obsession, age gap, stepbrothers becoming lovers, etc.

This one has some problems (especially the relationship between Yong Jie and Xing Si), but I love both the series and its problems (yes, I’m trash). You could say that I’m as obsessed with this series as Yong Jie is with Xing Si. Would I get this series drunk and fuck the living daylights out of it? No. But I would watch it once every 3 months or so. Oh, wait… I already do that. Because I’m trash.

What do I love so much about this series (other than what I mentioned above):

It’s from Taiwan.

Li Cheng is ridiculous, which is exactly why I love him.

Every time I rewatch it, it gets funnier.

The chemistry between Li Cheng and Teng Teng is amazing.

As well as the chemistry between Yong Jie and Xing Si.

The kissing is just as amazing.

The main fujoshi girl, Mei Fang, is so cute I can’t handle her.

And the bathroom scene! In that lighting! It’s iconic!

I don’t care what anyone else says. This is fucking gold to me. But, then again, my taste is trash. So, don’t listen to me.

KinnPorsche (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, SA, torture, Stockholm syndrome-ish, etc.

This is some next-level trash, and I fucking love it.

Two of the major relationships in this series (Kinn & Porsche and Vegas & Pete) are problematic at some point. Especially Vegas and Pete who have this whole captor/captive, torture, BDSM-ish type relationship. Of course, I love Vegas and Pete because my taste is super trashy (yes, it’s a me-problem, but I don’t force my taste on other people, so, for the love of all that is holy, don’t watch this!).

Other reasons I love this series and rewatch it from time to time:

It’s visually stunning! The cinematography is amazing. As I mentioned before, I’m a visual artist, so this is a very valid reason for me to watch it again and again. And again.

The neon lights.

The whole mafia thing.

The sex (because my horny ass needs it).

Playboyy (Thailand)

Issues/TW: SA, homophobia, suicide, etc.

I was debating whether or not to add this to my list solely based on the ending. However, up until that point, I really liked it.

The fact that every episode starts with a whole ass list of trigger warnings tells me this is my shit. And it was.

At times, it was so bad that it was good (until the ending, which was just so bad it was bad). The things I liked were:

The mystery.

Win (who played Nuth). His acting was great.

The chemistry between Nuth and Phop.

The tattooed daddy that’s Aob and his chemistry with Puen (there’s also an age gap here, btw, but as I’ve mentioned before, it’s fine by me as long as it’s legal).

The weird ass sex scenes (and the underwear).

And the not so weird ass sex scenes (like the ones between Aob and Puen and the ones between Nuth and Phop).

But, this series is trashy. Keep as far away from it as possible. If you still decide to dip in, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Red Wine in the Dark Night (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Obsession, blood, human blood bags, etc.

This is a queer film that’s BL-ish with some dark themes. Mainly, it’s about how far Wine would go to help the person he’s fallen for (or become attached to).

What I loved about this film was:

Fluke (who plays Wine). He’s such a great actor and I love him in everything he does.

Wine who is so desperate to love someone and be loved that he ends up doing some weird shit.

The darker and sadder vibe, which I love.

Irresistible Love 1 and Irresistible Love 2 (China)

(This is also called Uncontrolled Love.) 

Issues/TW: Obsession, homophobia, codependency, adoptive brothers becoming lovers, etc.

This is another queer film (in two parts) that is more BL-ish than the films I’m getting into below.

This depicts a weird relationship dynamic between Xie Yan and Shu Nian where Shu Nian was basically adopted into the family to become Xie Yan’s friend/babysitter/lackey. This is some weird ass shit, and I love weird ass shit so I really enjoyed this rare, uncensored, gem from China.

But, it’s also trashy. So, don’t watch it.

The next couple of films I’ll mention are (obviously) trashy, but also complex and deep (which is why I love them).

One Summer Night (South Korea)

Issues/TW: Obsession, dependency, oppression, etc.

This is a low-budget film from 2016 (so, production-wise, it’s definitely nothing like the usual stuff from South Korea you can watch on Netflix), but I love it.

It’s gritty, it’s raw, it’s explicit (an emphasis on explicit because you’ll see dicks), it deals with being a North Korean defector but ending up in an impoverished situation in South Korea, and it ends with a dubious ending you can interpret in different ways.

This is definitely not for the general QL viewers who watch QLs for the cutesy stuff.

And it's trashy. So, don’t watch it.

Dangerous Drugs of Sex (Japan)

Issues/TW: All the trigger warnings! Seriously. I feel like it’s better to say that so you’ll look up the TWs for yourself (if you choose to watch this, which I'm asking you not to) rather than me mentioning a few and forgetting others.

With this film, what others see are all the trigger warnings (and, yes, I see them too, they’re fucking obvious). However, I can see beyond that and watch it for what it is at the core: Two characters dealing with incredible grief.

Grief is a topic that often affects me and I can relate to it because I’ve had to deal with a lot of grief in my relatively short life. Watching a film like this where grief pushes the characters to their very limits will (often) get a special place in my heart, especially if done well. And it’s done very well in this film.

Do I condone the characters’ behaviors? No (especially not Yoden Ryoji’s). But I do understand that grief can send you over the edge (and in some cases throw you off the edge) because I’ve experienced it. I do understand that grief can cause you to make horrible decisions because I’ve done it (though, not this extreme). I do understand that grief can be self-destructive because I’ve been there. This film shows it all. That’s why I love it so much.

Do I recommend you watch this, tough? No. Don’t do it. This is not for everyone. It’s definitely not for those who watch QLs for the cutesy stuff.

But it is for me because I love trash. Especially good trash. And this is the best trash I’ve ever seen when it comes to gay films.

Anything by Scud Cheng

Lastly, I want to mention any film by Scud Cheng because…

And I’m an artist so art means everything to me.

Cheng is a screenwriter and director from Hong Kong. His films, the ones I’ve seen, are gritty, nude, and real. They are more on the art side than the others I’ve listed above, which is why they have a special place in my heart.

They’re also deep and explore themes like introspection (are we doing things because we believe they’re the right thing to do, or because external forces have “brainwashed” us to believe they’re the normal thing to do?), the porn industry and how it exploits young and queer men, death, politics, and love, to name a few.

These are not for the average QL watcher. They’re not for the faint of heart. They’re not for those who want an entertaining watch.

These films require multiple viewings. I’ve watched some once, some twice, and some more times, and I still find new themes and meanings woven into the stories. So, they’re complex and deep.

But, don’t watch them because I know you’ll come at me later. So, to spare us both the time and energy it would take to argue about this shit, just don’t watch any of it.

Now, if you still want to ask me for recommendations after all that, don't tell me I didn't warn you!

[nicoline1998enilocin]

Bready or not, here I crumb!

PAIRING | Chris Evans x Best Friend!Female!Reader

WORD COUNT | 2.5K

SUMMARY | The tension between you and Chris is only rising more and more until it boils over, and the two of you have the night of your lives together. Though you were initially scared, there is no one you would rather spend this experience with than him.

WARNING(S) | This is your official trigger warning. Do not proceed if any of these topics upset you. Light angst, smut [ Oral (F receiving, fingering, protected sex, taking of virginity ], implied aftercare.

A/N | I know I've been building it up for a little while, so here it finally is, the smut you all have been waiting for! I hope it was worth the wait, and I can't wait to find out how this will play out! 😉🖤

Likes, comments and reblogs will be very much appreciated 🩷

Divider is made by @firefly-graphics | Header & 18+ banner are made by yours truly

Main Masterlist | Chris Evans Masterlist | AU Masterlist

Chris spent the entire day in the kitchen preparing some of your favorite cupcakes for when you're coming home because he wanted to surprise you since you've been stressed out of your mind lately.

It was during your break that you called him because you couldn't take it anymore and needed to vent to him about it.

''Muffin? Is everything okay over there?'' he asks as he picks up the phone, not expecting you to call him during work.

''Not really,'' you sigh as you're fighting back the tears; you got all the rudest customers today and could not handle that.

''That's it, I'm coming over,'' he says, and before you can protest, you hear your front door open and fall shut, notifying you Chris is on his way.

''Cupcake, please...'' you try, but he doesn't listen and keeps running to the diner while talking to you, telling you everything will be okay and that he'll be there soon.

A few minutes later, Chris runs into the diner, through the kitchen, and to the back, where you're sitting with your back against the wall, your phone beside you.

The moment he enters your field of vision, it's like a dam inside you breaks, and you can't help but sob into his shirt while he's holding you close into his arms.

All the stress you're experiencing from school, a busy work schedule, and the rude customers have pushed you past your breaking point.

''I-I'm so s-sorry,'' you hiccup against his shoulder while sobs keep tearing through you. Your chest starts to hurt, and your throat feels raw from the crying and sobbing, but you can't stop yourself.

All you know is that Chris is here with you, and you don't want to be anywhere other than his arms right now.

''Hey, can you look at me, Muffin?'' he asks, but you don't move; you keep your head buried in his shoulder while slowly calming down.

''It's okay, I'm with you. There's nothing to be afraid of, Muffin,'' he whispers into your hair between small kisses, and a few minutes later, you've calmed down enough to look at him finally.

''Hi, pretty girl,'' he says as you look at him; your eyes are entirely bloodshot, and tears are still staining your cheeks, but Chris looks at you like you're the most beautiful person in the universe. And to him, you are precisely that.

''I'm sorry you had to come over here for nothing,'' you sigh, but Chris doesn't want to hear any of it.

''Muffin, please. There's no need to apologize; I know what assholes some customers can be, and you don't deserve that. You only have an hour left of your shift, right?'' he asks, and you nod, wondering what he will plan.

''Alright, I'm gonna go home and prepare a relaxing evening for you so you don't have to think about anything other than pure relaxation and the cupcakes I've been baking for you today,'' he says. Your eyes immediately twinkle at the thought of Chris' cupcakes.

''Okay, but I want to order Chinese food today, especially since you've already been in the kitchen for me the entire day,'' you tell him, and he agrees.

His thumbs wipe the tears from your cheeks, and his lips press a soft kiss on your forehead to reassure you everything will be okay. His lips linger briefly before he moves away and pulls you up.

''I'll be here to pick you up in an hour, okay? You need to hold on a little longer; it'll be over before you know it,'' he says as he pulls you in a last hug before he goes home and you return to your customers.

Chris is nothing if not a man of his word, and precisely when your shift is over, he walks through the door, ready to take you home.

In the hour you were still working, he went to the store to get some things for your perfect night. He got a fluffy blanket, a book from your wishlist, a bath bomb in your favorite scent, and the Chinese food you mentioned earlier is already ordered.

''Hi Cupcake, I'm gonna get my bag, and then I'm ready,'' you tell him, and you do, being back in record time.

''Ready to go?'' he asks, and you nod, hooking your arm through his as he guides you back to your shared apartment.

''All you have to do is sit on the couch while I put on your favorite movie and wait until the food is here,'' he says as the two of you step into your apartment, but you still want to change into something more comfortable first.

''Would you mind if I just put on something other than my work clothes?'' you ask, and he doesn't mind, but instead of going to your bedroom, he sees you walking to his to grab one of his shirts.

You take off your work clothes and bra before putting on Chris' shirt, which is too big for you, but you prefer it that way. All you're left with is his shirt, panties, and fuzzy socks, finally ready to relax like he told you.

When you walk down the stairs, Chris looks over to greet you, and when he sees you in his shirt, he softly gasps and completely forgets what he is about to say.

It's not that he's never seen you wearing his shirts before because you do it all the time, but there's something about how you look right now that has him questioning everything.

''Looking good, Muffin,'' he says, and you can't help but smile.

''Thank you. I hope you don't mind me borrowing one of your shirts again,'' you say, knowing he never minds, but you still like to tease him about it.

You sit on the couch and wrap your legs under yourself, getting comfortable in the corner you always prefer.

''I got you a few things to make you relax even more,'' Chris tells you. Your interest is immediately piqued, and you look over to him.

''Oh?''

''Yeah, I got you a blanket to cuddle with and a book you've wanted for a long time. To finish it off, I also got you a bath bomb in your favorite scent so you can read your book in the bath with some candles,'' he tells you, and you swear your heart stopped for a beat or two as he tells you everything he did.

''And of course, I have some cupcakes for you,'' he added while getting one for you to taste.

He hands you the plate with a cupcake, and a moan leaves your throat as soon as the taste hits your tongue. Chris can feel himself chub up in his pants at the sound, but now is not the moment to make a move.

''This is delicious! You have to share this recipe, Cupcake,'' you tell him, and he stands awkwardly, hoping you can't see him getting hard.

Luckily for him, someone knocks on the door at that moment, and he quickly goes to answer, repositioning his now hard member so it's not obvious that he's sporting a hard-on.

You got off the couch to grab some plates and cutlery, but the dishes are a little high, so you have to stand on your toes to reach them. The shirt you're wearing rises slightly, and when Chris walks back in, he sees the light blue lace that barely covers your ass.

Just when you're getting a hold of two plates, you feel Chris behind you as he cages you in with his body, his now very noticeable bulge pressing against your lower back, and you gasp softly.

''Let me take care of you, Muffin. Let me show you how a real man should treat his girl,'' he whispers in your ear, and you can't help but feel the slick between your legs slowly drip down your thighs as his words form goosebumps on your neck.

''C-Cupcake,'' you gasp as he slowly starts moving a little lower, his hard cock brushing over your ass as he moves back and forth, gliding it gently over your covered cheeks until his shirt rises.

''P-please...'' you whisper, and he turns you around and picks you up, taking you to his bedroom.

He puts you down on the bed softly, your head on his pillows as his hand ghosts over your thigh, hip, and belly, past your breasts and slowly cupping your cheek.

Your hair is splayed out like a halo around your head, making you look even more angelic to Chris.

''Please tell me to stop if you want me to now because I don't think I can stop after I have started...'' he whispers in your ear, but you don't want him to stop. You need him just as much as he needs you in this moment.

''I want you, Chris,'' you moan softly as he places soft kisses along your jaw, but he slowly trails to your mouth, attaching his lips to yours with the most delicate kiss you've ever felt.

It's everything you've ever wanted out of your first kiss with him and more because you've thought about this moment many times. Your hands find their way to Chris' shirt as you fist the fabric, pulling him closer to you.

''Gonna make you feel so good, Muffin. Can't wait to make you feel so amazing you can only think of my filling you up,'' he whispers as he makes his way down your body until he's settling right where you need him the most.

His nose nudges your clit through the light blue lace that covers your dripping cunt, and you gasp softly at the feeling as he pulls it to the side and licks a stripe from your entrance to your clit without warning.

''Tastes even better than I imagined. Sweet like a little peach,'' he says, and he keeps pleasuring you by licking, sucking on nibbling until you're a moaning mess for him.

Your hands are holding onto his hair as your first orgasm washes over you, his name like a prayer falling from your lips as it takes over you completely.

''F-fuck, feels good,'' you say, and Chris smiles at your words, knowing he made you feel this good. He doesn't slow down, and soon, you're bordering overstimulation until he slips a finger into your entrance, making you whine at the feeling.

''Hmm, such a good girl for me,'' he says as he slowly starts moving it in and out of you until you take it entirely.

''Yes, taking my finger like the perfect girl you are. Think you can handle one more?'' he asks, and you nod, unable to talk anymore with all the pleasure you're feeling.

''Alright, doing so well for me, Muffin. Taking my fingers so well, this pussy was made to take me,'' he says, more to himself than anything.

When he works up to three fingers, he slowly picks up the pace with them while working your clit with his tongue until you cum again, this time even harder than the first.

''F-fuck, Chris! Yes, right there!'' you scream out as you go completely limp from the power of it, not knowing up from down and left from right for a bit as Chris works you through it, his cock leaking with precum as he ruts his lips into the mattress to give himself a little bit of release.

After you've come down from your high, Chris climbs over you again and captures your lips in a soft, sweet kiss, and his tongue slips inside as you part your lips ever so slightly.

You can taste yourself on his tongue, which is addicting in the best way. Soft moans leave your lips as soon as the taste hits your tongue, and Chris swallows every last one with his mouth.

''Wanna see you, Muffin. Let's get you out of these clothes,'' Chris says, and he works his shirt off your body, showing him your perfect breasts; he immediately attaches his mouth to one of your nipples, and his fingers play with the other.

He keeps this going until the one in his mouth is pebbled and sensitive before switching tactics, all while whimpers leave your pink lips, and Chris is reveling in the sound of him making you feel this way.

When the other nipple has gotten the same treatment, he takes off your underwear, followed by his own, and you gasp at the sight of his red, leaking cock as it looks angry between his legs.

''Can't wait to find out how tight your pussy will be around my cock,'' he says as he grabs a condom and tears the package open, taking it out and rolling it on.

He has dreamt about how you would feel as he slides it in bare, but he didn't want to risk anything since it's your first time together.

When the condom is on, he leans over you again, capturing your lips in a sweet, sensual kiss as he lines his cock up with your entrance and slowly pushes in.

''C-Chris!'' you yelp as his tip slides in, and it burns a little, so he lets you adjust before sliding in a little further. When he's entirely inside, you let out a deep sigh you didn't know you were holding, and you feel safe in Chris' arms.

Right now, everything feels like it's precisely the way it should be like it was meant to be all this time. This feeling intensifies when he starts moving, and moans and whimpers leave your lips at the feel of his veiny cock moving so deliciously through your walls and hitting your sweet spot.

''Cupcake, please. Want you to ruin me,'' you whisper as you look into his eyes, your hands on his shoulders as he picks up the pace, his forehead leaning on yours.

''Oh, fuck, feels so fucking good when you squeeze me,'' he says through gritted teeth, your orgasm creeping closer, but it seems that you can't quite get there yet, not without a bit of help.

Your hand moves between your bodies, and you rub your clit, and with one last thrust and a scream of his name, you cum all around his cock, closely followed by Chris as he buries himself deep inside you while he spills his load.

''Jesus, you feel amazing, Muffin. Wish I had done this years earlier,'' he says, and you can't help but laugh a little at his statement, but he's right.

''Love you,'' you say as you capture his lips with yours, slotting them together perfectly like they were made for each other.

The rest of the evening is spent in the bath with your new bath bomb, soft touches, and little kisses littered over each other's bodies before moving to the couch, where you eat your reheated Chinese food under the new blanket Chris bought.

When you were getting sleepy, Chris carried you to your bed, and you asked him to stay with you, so that night, you spent the night together in your bed.

This wasn't the first time, but your dynamic had shifted, and you were delighted as you slept in Chris' arms. You're in your happy place and weren't planning to leave anytime soon.

[duckciferthecg]

Hello! I’m Lucifer, but you can call me Luci, Lulu, duckcifer, or anything you want Duckling

Welcome to my cozy palace little one

Asks are of course open

DNI if you’re: antiagere, nsfw, ddlg, proshipper, a meanie

All type of regressors for any age are welcome!

Is legit:

Anon list (that I’m aware of):

🐶, 🪽, 📺🦈, 🧁🦝, 🦝🐾, 🧜✨, 🌹💀, 🎀, 🐈‍⬛, 🦌📻, 🎸🪽, ☀️🍬, 🐇, 🤎🩸, 🧸🌷, 🥽, 🔋, 🐅, 🐺, 🎮🔥, 🦌🌹, 🎪🍼, 🍄, 🩹🌱, 🦖, 🦴, ⁉️, 🍼🐇, 🧚, 🖍️, ❤️🖍️, ☀️, 🎧, 🌊, 🤡🐸, 👽🐄, 🍭, 🐩🎀, 🧇, 🥫, 🐈‍⬛🐾, 🧃🐛, 🐶🎀, 👑, 🪲, 🪐, 🍂, 👁️😈, 🦈🩹, 🤍🎀, 🌟🦝, 🌻🧸, ☁️, 🔮, 🕸️🍓, ☀️🍼, ☁️🌙, 🍓🐦‍⬛, 🦕, ♾️🏳️‍⚧️, 🍰, 💙,🥤, 🐦‍⬛🧃, 🦖🐾,☀️🧸, 🧸🦈, 🫧, 🔧💜, ☀️👑, 🐧💙, 🔮🏳️‍⚧️, 🩵✨, ✨🐍, 👻🌻, 🪻📚

Grab a stuffie, chill for a while, and I hope you have fun!

Rules for Tumblr blog and discord (dm me if you want to be added to discord)

They had to be added because of issues the CGs have been having

Here are the rules:

- Absolutely no littles/pets in big chats

- Ask a CG their boundaries and respect it

- if a CG doesn’t do things like diapers, medical, or other then respect it

- Censor vents properly

- When certain fictive alters front, if they have source trauma, then avoid it

- If someone has something triggering at all avoid it

- Do not expect comfort from CG 24/7 [We are human too]

- No physical punishments

- Respect boundaries

- listen to CGS

- When a CG asks you to STOP you STOP

- No biting (playful biting okay is the CG is okay with it)

- no physical harm to yourself or the cgs. Don’t care if it’s “just rp”, it hurts and panics us

- No asking cgs to be big/little

- No asking for specific alters in systems to front

- Some cgs can’t read little talk, if they say no to it, then respect that. They want to understand you

- Be patient

- A lot of us have physical and mental disabilities too, so that may limit us from responding

- We have lives of our own and we can’t always take care of you

- No asking if we got your ask, no “tumblr ate my ask”. It makes us feel bad for not getting it

- Most of us are people pleasers guys. Don’t abuse that

- Only eat stuff that is edible

- LET CGS TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES

WE ARE NOT SELFISH FOR TAKING A BREAK

WE ARE NOT SELFISH FOR ACKNOWLEDGING OUT NEEDS

WE ARE HUMANS

- No bullying. We will be kind to one another

- It’s one thing if you have established a relationship with someone and it’s mutual, and it’s another thing to just bully. Knock it off. Just because you are in the mentality of a kid, doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk

- No babying someone unless they want to be

- No NSFW talk in little spaces (like drugs, s-xual content, alcohol etc)

- Don’t flood a blog

- If the person is clearly very overwhelmed, don’t talk to them as much

- If it’s important then direct message them

Thank you for reading!

[merbear25]

Anxiety is talked about fairly often, but some don't know how to handle a s/o or friend who struggles with it. That being said, those who care about you are willing to learn!

Monster trio, Robin, Chopper, Franky, Brook, Law

CW: SFW, headcanons, mentions of general and social anxiety. Zoro's and Law's parts don't start out that comforting. There can be different things that can trigger it (sometimes nothing necessarily triggers it!) so this is kept more broad. It's kind of a specific headcanon, but it's something I personally struggle with and maybe others can relate.

Luffy: It takes him time to realize how hard some situations are for you, and even then, it's not something he'll fully be abe to understand. But he doesn't need to understand in order to care about you and consider your feelings! He'll help you in anyway he can. If you're having a hard time coping with the rough seas, he'll draw your attention to him. You're feeling overwhelmed at a gathering? He'll stay nearby, giving you a sense of stability in the hurdles you're currently up against.

Zoro: He'd be able to notice something's different about you. However, he may be someone who didn't quite believe in anxiety (at least not in the regard of a disorder). That being said, when he started spending more time with you, it became blatently obvious that it was, in fact, something to be taken more seriously. Once realizing this, he'd be more considerate towards you. He wouldn't really be hands on when helping you, but he'd hover around, just making sure everything is okay.

Sanji: You'd have his undying support. Similarly to Luffy, he wouldn't fully be able to grasp the extend of your problems, although that's not obligitory when it comes to caring about the ones you love. He'd be more than willing to listen to what triggers you and would help you find coping methods to help push you through rough patches. He's a doer and wants to help you find ways to ease your troubled mind.

Robin: Similaryly to Zoro, she would have sensed something was going on with you, especially if your anxiety flares up during more social events. When she notices, she'd be tacktful when approaching the issue; she wouldn't want to make you feel singled out. She's always happy to learn about her friends and the ways they think, so you could open up to her without fear of judgement.

Chopper: He'd know better than anyone here just how hard social anxiety is. Being as empathetic as he is, he'd sob for you when you mention your qualms. Despite this initial reaction, he is still a doctor and is dedicated to helping people. Sure, his specialty doesn't lie in psychology, but he'd be determined to find something, anything, to aid you. He'd be a stand-in emotional support reindeer if you really needed it.

Franky: He's an extremely friendly, silly, and sociable cyborg, though that doesn't mean he doesn't know how to tone it down when he sees someone he cares about going through a hard time. Being a doer like Sanji, he would look for solutions to your problem. He'd opt for sillier antics when it comes to keeping your mind off of things, which may or may not be the most helpful. Either way, everything he does is in good faith.

Brook: If you're a music lover, he'd opt for playing your favorite song to get your mind off of things. He finds it soothing and figures you would too. He'd check up on you through out the day, giving you space if that's what you need. If you'd rather talk or vent about it, he wouldn't object to it. He wouldn't mind if you end up talking his ear off, not that he has ears.

Law: Being a doctor, he'd know better than to just dismiss your issues, but dealing with emotions is not his forte. He'd probably start out keeping himself at arms length from you, observing how you handle each wave of anxiety. In doing this, he'd gain a better understanding of how to approach you. This may come across as him out right avoiding you, though. Once he has a better idea of how to handle you during, and outside of, these flare-ups, he'd helicopter around you, taking out some of the things that'd set you off when he can.

[pinejayy]

If it’s okay please could I request headcanons of the upper moons (any of your choice) falling for an upper moon who is motherly towards them, has a calm but intimidating aura and is an insanely good fighter if the situation calls for it 💙💙

Sure thing!! I hope you enjoy!! uwu I kinda went over bored with Gyutaro, since I related with him the most,, I didn't have the best relationship with my mother, it involved with abu*e , but at moment we are good, but I did pour my heart for his part

Trigger Warning: mentions of abuse

Douma, Gyutaro and Aizetsu with a motherly S/O

Douma

He knew the second he saw you he would fall in love with you, and he did. You're so kind towards him, and probably the only Upper Moon who doesn't hate him with a burning passion.

He loves how sweet and gentle your towards him, he loves it whenever you hold him. He craves for your attention. He loves it whenever you stick up for him. Especially towards Upper Moon 3 Akaza.

Whenever Akaza is talking down on him you'll put a hand on his shoulder and dig your nails into his skin drawing blood. "If you were talk down on him again you're gonna regret it."

Douma doesn't remember too much from his human life, but he does know he craved for his mother love. And unfortunately he didn't get that. But with you in the picture he gets that type of love he craved for.

He loves how sweet and calm you are, he could be venting to you about some issues and you'll always give him the best advice.

Please hold him, he wants to be the little spoon. And when you do hold him please give him head kisses and play with his hair. Whisper sweet things to him. "I love you, I'm so proud of you Darling~"

Gyutaro

He doesn't understand why you're so gentle and kind towards him. He isn't used to this kind of treatment, especially with someone so beautiful like you. He doesn't understand why you're so kind? You're supposed to be an Upper Moon! But then again he has Daki...so maybe he does understand you.

At first he did lash out on you when you first were nice to him, he thought you were trying to get something out him. And yes at first he wasn't so fond of you. But as time passed by he did warm up to you, that he fell in love with you. That he craved for you love all the time.

He adores on how sweet you are to his sister Daki, one of his favorite things about you is that you're so gentle and kind towards Daki. Like you could be doing her hair or makeup and he'll just sit down and watch you. He could be watching you guys laugh and talk. He's so lucky that you made your way to his heart.

And you always treat their wounds, even though they don't need it you still will.

He can always count on you for support or if he needs someone to talk to. He loves your good advice, and he also enjoys your sweet comments.

Whenever you guys have alone time he'll want cuddles. He wants you to hold him. He would want to be the little spoon, so please hold him. He craves to be held.

He doesn't remember much from his human life, but he does remember that his mother was nothing but a pile of scum. She was a no good for nothing person. He remembers the abuse he went through because of her. He remembers her hurtful words.

But you always assure him that she was wrong, she's nothing but a pile of rat shit.

You're always telling him sweet things as you hold him. "You're so beautiful Darling." "I'm so lucky to have you by my side." "Please don't listen to your mother's words, It's in the past. She can't hurt you anymore." and "Don't worry my love, I'll always be by your side. I'll help you get through this."

He loves it when you play with his hair and trace a finger across his body, he melts at your touch. And at first when you touched him he did flinch afraid that a other Mother Figure would hurt him. But you assured him you weren't going to hurt him.

Honestly he shed a few tears when you first told him that you "You love him" He was so shocked. He doubted you but of course you assured him that you did love him.

He would die for you and his sister, he'll protect both of you to the end! You and Daki are the only special people in his heart!

Aizetsu

Now he loves how gentle and sweet you are to him, considering he's the punching bag from the other clones. He's so used to Demon Slayers being so harsh with him and other Demons being so cruel towards him. But you are different and he loves you.

He loves it whenever you stand up for him whenever the other Clones are giving him a hard time. It's mostly Sekido yelling at the poor blue eyed Demon. And most of the times it leads up to you and Sekido getting into a fist fight.

Aizetsu loves how calm you can be but also loves when you can turn into a mama bear! He adores how you always stick up for him.

Please hold him, please hold him. He wants to be held like a little baby. He just wants to lay his head on your chest and listen to your heart beat. AND YOU GIVE HIM A LOT OF HEAD PATS AND HEAD KISSES.

To the days he's really down, you'll go out of your way and bring him some human flesh and feed him a nice meal. And as he's munching on that human meat, you'll just smile at him.

You're always telling positive things. Like!! "Don't listen to the other clones they are annoying, and please don't let their words get to you. You're so much better than them." and "Wow you're my baby boy! I'm so proud of you!"

[thelaughtercafe]

Angel

Tea Type: Half and Half (This one was written to vent so it's got a little more hurt towards the beginning than usual)

Potential Triggers: Nonspecific mentions of emotional abuse

Pairing: Duncan/ F!Reader

Length: 1k+

Summary: You and Duncan are both desperately trying to stay awake for the challenge. The lack of filter allows confessions to slip from both of you.

“Ugh I’m starting to go. Can you help keep me awake?”

Duncan looked over and blinked in surprise. You hadn’t spoken much the past weeks save him teasing as he did with most of the girls. You didn’t outwardly encourage it but he could admit he got pleasure out of your flustered reactions to keep it up consistently with no provocation. 

A smirk twitched onto his lips as he moved to where you were sat leaning against a tree trunk a little ways from the main group. 

“Sure thing sweetheart. Tell me what I can do.”

You were already a blushing mess. It’d taken a great deal of courage to even ask but already you were growing meek again.  

“Well I…um…sorry.”

He softened a little after a glance over his shoulder, tugging you to sit behind the tree with him. Everyone was mostly sleeping and this way no-one would see his expressions before he heard them coming in advance. He didn’t want anyone hearing him like this. Hell, he typically wouldn’t ever dream of being like this but the lack of sleep was impairing his judgment. 

“Why do you do that? You constantly apologize for stuff that’s not even your fault. Or without having even done anything wrong at all. It makes you look weak.”

It wasn’t the nicest way to say it maybe but Duncan was trying. 

You looked down to your fidgeting hands and smiled bitterly.

“It’s not exactly a happy reason; but you don’t seem like the kind of guy to pity people so I guess it’s alright if I tell you. Let’s just say my home life wasn’t great. My mom was sick so I was left to do all the chores and such. Her long term boyfriend was quick to put me down and point out the smallest of inadequacies in my efforts.”

You shrugged before looking at the camera across the way and giving it the finger. 

“That’s for you if you’re watching this, dick.”

God, you really were tired. Your filter was gone. Luckily, your attention was shifted to Duncan as he smiled at you and lightly placed his hand on yours.  

“Well I say he’s lucky. If it was me I would’ve stopped doing them altogether. Guy sounds like a real piece of work." 

You turned your gaze to his and he noticed the hint of sadness within. 

"Which is why you’re the strongest person I know. That’s actually the first time I told him to fuck off. After making me spiral into panic attacks, giving me arachnophobia, and making me hate myself it still took me being on the verge of passing out on a reality show talking with a bad boy with a heart of gold to get the courage. Pathetic. isn’t it?" 

Duncan clenched his fists but managed his anger with a breath, trying not to blush at your honesty. 

"Right. You really think of me like that sweetheart?’

The typically antagonistic nickname now sounded sweet. 

You shrugged, finding it much easier to talk when not looking at him as you put your head on his shoulder. 

”‘Course I do. You may act all mean but you want us to win too. I don’t think you’re half as cruel as you pretend to be. You’re here comforting me and keeping me awake aren’t you?“

You yawned and he scoffed, glad you couldn’t see his face as a tinge of pink surely was evident. 

"Could just be doing it to get further in the competition. More chance our team wins if there’s two of us.”

You shrugged. 

“Sure. You could be. But I doubt it. I have a bad habit of only seeing the good in people and ignoring my gut feelings. But here on the island I’ve learned to start listening to it more. And right now it’s telling me you’re a good guy. It always has.”

Duncan sighed and looked down in amusement at you now fully cuddled into his side. He curled an arm around your shoulder and pulled you closer but when he felt your breaths start to slow he ran his fingers along your neck for a moment in warning. 

“Hey. Don’t fall asleep k?”

You jerked in his grip and giggled which made him blink.  

Huh. 

He noted the way you suddenly looked nervous, and the way your face had gone red. In addition to your eyes flicking everywhere looking for escape, a smug smirk crawled across his face. 

“Oh princess~ Got something you wanna tell me?”

He felt you stiffen and you giggled nervously again, clearly jumpy. 

God you were precious. 

“N-No! I just-I-thanks for helping but I-”

As you were about to scramble away he quickly turned to pin you against the tree, easily restraining your wrists over your head with one hand and leering over you.  

“You may as well give it up. I know you’re ticklish. Sure would be a shame if I let you fall asleep now ya know? Time to fulfill your duty to the team like the angel you are~”

Oh God. Time to pretend he didn’t just say that last part. Distract!

“D-Did you just-hey whahahahait!! Duncan!!”

You dissolved into squeals and giggles as his free hand began squeezing along your thighs suddenly regretting wearing shorts.

“You are such a jheheheherk!!”

Glad his moment of softness had been forgotten Duncan easily returned to teasing, feigning innocence.

“Oh? But I thought you were so sure I was a nice guy. Looks like your feelings were wrong. Good thing you have a thing for bad boys huh angel?”

He relished in the way you went even darker and sputtered over your laughter.

“N-No I-what!? That’s-crazy talk!”

“Your blush tells a different story. Plus, I’ve caught you stealing glances all summer. Lucky for you I like good girls just as much. Even called dibs in the boys cabin. Trent almost beat me to you but lucky for me he got more into Gwen around the same time which means you’re all mine if you want to be, angel.”

While he was talking casually his hands were moving easily all over, from your thighs to your hips up to your underarms and then to your neck where he opted to stay, keeping you in steady giggles as he waited for your response. 

You rolled your eyes before smirking back. 

“F-Fhihihine then. Gonna make me fhahahall demon boy?”

He grinned, full of roguish charm as his fingers finally slowed and he released your hands to cup your face in his palms and then seal your promise. 

“Only if you’re sure you’re ready for it sweetheart.”

No-one would find out until a few competitions later; when he got sick of hiding and kissed you so hard you swooned after a win you somehow managed to pull off. 

All insecure thoughts of him caring more about his bad boy image than you were  banished and it suddenly made sense to Courtney and Gwen why the nicknames, however passive aggressive, had stopped. They were all for you.  

Angel was still his favorite of course.

[emoflutterguy]

jesus fucking christ growing up and finding out the people who were shitty to u are massive hypocrites is . insane

TRIGGER WARNING FOR LIKE ABUSIVE FRIENDSHIP??? this is a little bit of a ventpost about how my shitty best friend in freshman year forced his transmedicalist idea of masculinity onto me only to grow up a little bit and start dating a cis guy and fall into the trap that most of us trans guys also fall into with cis guys of “oh hes cis so i obviously need to be Girly now”

thats ur tl;dr, read on if ure interested in the juicy details below the cut

so when i was in freshman year i met a kid who was supposedly a year older than me (he wasnt) but he was also a freshman because he got held back a year (he didn’t) (he was a filthy liar)

anyways he just so happens to be a trans guy and thats not where my problem lies with this guy . i wish it was that simple .

now im also a trans guy, and i had just come out at that point when we had met, like im talking i had just freshly come out as a trans man a month before we had met. i had no idea what i was doing or how to act or dress or how to be masculine, and he was like oh let me coach u on how to be a trans man The Right Way

and his “coaching” was terrible advice that literally any trans man whos been trans for more than 5 seconds would tell u is terrible advice;

he told me to eat, sleep and shit in my binder, he told me to abandon all girly clothing and only wear HIS clothes because HIS clothes were cool and masculine and would make me pass better (they didn’t), he told me not to wear makeup unless he was the one who did it, he shamed me for not passing well enough (i was 15 and had a baby face, as well as having big ass man biddies and also being chubby) and he gave me the worlds worst first masculine haircut and dyed it an eye bleeding orange in his kitchen. he forced me to listen to his music only because my music taste was supposedly terrible and he was the one who could drive so he got to choose the playlist (spoiler alert he wasnt legally supposed to be driving without an adult over the age of 25 but that was unbeknownst to me)

basically he told me that fundamentally, i was wrong because i wasn’t him

and any ounce of femininity i dared to show and be comfortable with was also fundamentally wrong

one time while we were all hanging out at my house (him, me, my mom and her boyfriend at the time) and i was talking about how bad i wanted to get on testosterone because i just wanted to feel like a normal teenage boy.

.and get this.

he told me i was “too girly” and “not manly enough” and i “didn’t pass well enough” to go on testosterone

and he told me he thought i was faking being trans for attention and he didnt think i was actually trans because i “wasnt trying hard enough” like he was

i promise this is relevant later im not just saying this to vent

he was also a horrendously shitty person to me and everyone else at the time, and im not saying this because im still salty, no bitch i was 15 he was 15 we were both kids kids are gonna be weird and mean sometimes, but “kids being kids” is not supposed to leave u with trauma that u may never heal from . and he did that to me . but thats irrelevant

anyways, now onto the part thats kind of funny in a fucked up way

so me and his ex boyfriend are best friends now because we both survived the fucked up shit he put us both through, at the same time might i add, and we often talk about how our respective relationships with him still affect us to this day

and today we were talking about going to a concert for a band we both really like that was introduced to us by our mutual enemy, the guy this post is about

and naturally the conversation turned to what hes up to now because my bestie likes to sometimes look at his social media out of curiosity and he told me

that evil bad guy mc bad

is now in a relationship with a cis biker guy

and dresses in crop tops and mini skirts and thigh highs and wears wigs and makeup now

and good for him if he genuinely just enjoys dressing like that now, if thats all it is then im glad hes finally had some character development

but i just have a feeling thats not what this is, that hes doing this solely for the validation of his fuck ass boyfriend

and the thing is, i would feel bad if it was literally Anyone Else going through that, but he did the same thing to me, to his ex who is now my bestie, to my other friends who used to be friends with him, to anyone who’s ever known him honestly.

and i dont wish him ill anymore. i really dont, i could not care less, and this post will probably be the last time i ever think about him because i really could not care about him less at this point, but its insane to me that he used to be so like firm in his opinion that men who were feminine werent real men, and he actively enjoyed making me feel like shit for being too feminine, and now he’s doing the same thing he used to make fun of me for.

maybe im just salty because i never got a real apology from him, but at this point i dont even want an apology from him because i know that it would be more akin to colleen ballinger’s “toxic gossip train” video than a real apology

well i think ive yapped on about this enough if u read all the way here thanks lol

[the-s1lly-corner]

facial dysmorphia comfort spot x reader

maybe maybe

Spot w/ an S/O who has facial dysmorphia

Okokokok two things!!

One I am once again so sorry for taking so long for getting to your ask 😭😭 same goes for everyone else who sent in requests <\3 but I got nothing going on tonight so I'll likely be knocking out asks throughout tonight!!

Second!!

Bit personal but I really didnt know there was dysmorphia that's centered around faces :0 I thought it was just body dysmorphia; and this ask kinda

Made me feel things

Not necessarily bad things but like

"Oh that's a hyper specific version of me" as someone with body dysmorphia that's very. Face centered

🧍‍♂���

Anywahs

Eeerm yeah!!

With all that being said some of this might dip into my personal experience with body dysmorphia <\3

Actually it kinda dips into a lot

It's the self projection for me

Not proofread we die like peter parker

He gets it

Kinda?

Sorta?

I mean it's not a 1:1 but

Close enough...?

I think he may have also had similar issues precollider tbh, like when he said "oh I used to be handsome by scientist standards" sounded... backhanded..

Anyways

Not the most attentive, he wont immediately catch your mood souring if you two are out and about; but he does eventually catch on if you're quiet or fidgeting

Offers you things you can fidget with to keep your hands busy; from small stress toys to rubber bands, to keep your hands busy

I know everyones different but again, self projection here

Helps especially if you mess with/tug your hair into place or pick your face at any perceived flaws

"Look at me dont look at them," when he notices you start comparing yourself to others when you're both out

Probably steps in front of you, if you're walking hes walking backwards to keep him in your view

He falls over/hj

Ah yes the mirror

Frowns

Another thing that spot would personally relate too; I believe I've mentioned somewhere in a different hc post that he tends to just

Stare and talk down to his reflection, post collider

It's a habit he probably had precollider too, but instead of his lack of face he's scrutinizing the moles and beauty marks

He never really liked his spots

But aside from sympathy when he sees you do the same he also feels

Hurt

Is this how he makes you feel when he does the same thing?

It's weird for him to be on the other end; watching you pick at your skin or teeth, sizing up every curve and crevice

He doesnt want to just go up to you and pull you away from the mirror or upright tell you to stop; nono that doesnt feel right.. it feels too.. forceful, accusatory... he doesn't want to make things worse

He'll probably try to subtly bring your attention in another direction; be it asking you what the plans for that night are, or asking for some affection

The most bold he'll get is walking up to you and gently bopping his face against you

He does his research, hes a scientist afterall

He makes sure that your shared home is a safe place to retreat to at the end of the day; his protective side outright banning anything that could potentially trigger your dysmorphia, doesn't matter what it is he's just not going to let it through the door

He never ever wants you to feel like your experiences are less than; whenever he notices a day is particularly hard hes immediately dropping everything to help and/or distract and/or comfort you

Listens diligently to what you need

He probably keeps a little notebook somewhere with notes scribbled down, along with things he knows you like and bring security

You both have feeling sessions; you both just sit down and talk, about anything really

Not necessarily vents but also not necessarily not vent but

You know

God forbid anyone ever makes you feel bad about himself

He would never... kill anyone (attempting to off miles dad aside!! I write these like. Imagining it's the time between the movies :0) but boy does he get thoughts

Literally just

Spawns a hole under them and sends them to god knows where

If you've got anything to help it, like say therapy or medications he'll make sure you keep a consistent and steady schedule with it

Insists on taking you to therapy himself

Via holes, of course

"Wait wait wait I think... I got it this time-!"

Proceeds to accidentally send yall to the top of some random building somewhere

VERY persistent about any meds, almost gets naggy with it

This is the same with any other stuff you may or may not take; other meds, vitamins, antibiotics, ect ect ect

Spot is more or less kind of. ..

I dont wanna say hes a mother hen, but asides from revenge, the thing he wants most is for you to be happy and healthy

It also kinda offers himself some reflection, because again he carries/used to carry similar behaviors; whether he had dysmorphia or not, he can see himself in you and it

Hurts

As a side note you notice his frequency in the bad self talk lowers

Gives off that "do it for her" simpsons meme, but its spot having a board of you

Figurative board of course

Maybe

I can kinda see him having some version of it actually

He just wants you to know that he loves you so so so much. He thinks himself to be the luckiest man in the world; hell in the entire multiverse, as cheesy as it sounds. Despite everything hes been through and going through, he still managed to get someone like you by his side. You give him clarity in his whirlwind of a life and he wants to let you know how grateful he is for your existence

Anyways

Yeah I dont know where I was going with this post and hcs I kinda just let my feelings and experiences talk here so <\3 normally I like to keep things like this vague so others can hopefully relate easier but

Man this topic got me

But

Yeah

I hope this is alright !! It's not often I write stuff with this sort of topic matter so I'm a lil rusty <\3

[sound0ut]

Nine people I’d like to get to know better

I’ve never done a post like this before, so be gentle, y’all. Thanks for the tag, @augustjustice!

Last song I listened to:

All My Exes Live In Vortexes by Rosie Tucker. Highly recommended if you need a way to vent your existential angst about living in the Anthropocene.

Currently watching/reading:

Currently watching season 2 of The Bear. I know I’m late to this one but as someone who used to work in a kitchen and had some of the most stressful days of her life there, it took me a while to feel ready. It’s really well-done, both in terms of writing and acting, but jfc it’s triggering for me sometimes.

Currently reading a bunch of stuff, as always, but what I’ll mention is that I’m in the midst of a reread of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic, one of the texts I tend to return to when I need a kick in the pants, creatively. Current favorite piece of wisdom from Gilbert (or Seamus Heaney via Gilbert) is this:

“A particularly elegant commentary on this instinct [trust in your creativity] came from Nobel laureate Seamus Heaney, who said that—when one is learning how to write poetry—one should not expect it to be immediately good. The aspiring poet is constantly lowering a bucket only halfway down a well, coming up time and again with nothing but empty air. The frustration is immense. But you must keep doing it, anyway” (148).

Sweet/savory/spicy?: Depends on my mood, but probably savory.

Relationship status: Happily married bi bb ✌️

Current obsessions: I tend to be a person of varied and rotating obsessions, including: finding the perfect early 80s tunes as the soundtrack for my current podfic project, Monster Theory scholarship (ask me about my personal theory about yonic imagery and the gates/monstrous mouths in ST), adding miles to my long ride, getting better at Travis picking, improving my voice acting/narration, writing my silly little stories (and never sharing them b/c 😱).

I have few mutuals on here and have talked to even fewer folks, so apologies if this is out of the blue, but @chaoskiro, @wynnyfryd, @cuips-not-cute, @onirislanding, @teddywesworl, @geddyqueer, @hullomoon, @n0connections, @xiaq I would love to learn more about you if you feel moved to share :) Or from anyone else for that matter, if you want to connect!

[yanderes-galore]

Romantic Light Yagami with prompts E-3 and M-1 from A-Z Yandere prompts list

Sure! Here's Light attempting to "help" you through an abusive partner... Then there's him. He's such a disgusting man in this, ugh....

Prompts Here

Yandere! Light Yagami E-3 + M-1

“I removed the problem. You should be thanking me.”

“I’ve done everything for you and this is how you repay me?”

Pairing: Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Manipulation, Possessive behavior, Abusive relationship (You're in one before Light... Then there's Light), Stalking, Murder, Implied physical violence (Your past partner, not Light), Swearing, Forced relationship.

Light knew about your partner.

Hell, out of anyone, he probably knows about them the most. After all, you're two close friends. Since middle school you've come to him to vent or hang out.

Naturally... Light is used to comforting you.

He never liked your partner. Even less when he began to notice you hiding bruises from him. Light never liked to show his distaste... always opting to quietly listen as you sit beside him.

Deep down he's pissed, brown eyes darkening each time you brought up your partner.

Light has always been there for you. He holds you when you need him, he lets you cry into his shoulder... He distracts you from your problems. You'd think he was just being a good best friend...

In reality he's infatuated even if you don't know it... The fact you're taken already gets on his nerves...

Even more so when the person who has you is hurting you.

There's only so much Light can take when he watches you. A bruise here, a cut there... It's infuriating. Each time he sees something new... He tenses.

Light wishes you'd just let him take care of things. While you're unaware, he keeps an eye on that partner of yours along with yourself. He glares when he sees your arguments...

He hates when someone hurts you.

Naturally, if you can't leave him alone, Light vowed to help in whatever way he can. You interpret this as comfort, as helping you get through it. You thought he'd just support you as you try to smooth things over.

What a naive thought, he almost wanted to laugh.

No, your partner deserves worse than that.

It was so easy to track them down. He remembered their face... He researched their name.... Honestly, he swore he heard Ryuk laughing as he came up with a grotesque scenario in his mind. Was it wrong to write your partner's name in the Death Note...?

No, not in the slightest, not to Light.

Light had expected you to be upset. Despite that, he hated that you still mourned for them. Even now he still can't have you....

Months pass and Light has done nothing but stay by your side. He comforts you, holds you close, and pretends to care about your partner's death. Despite it all... He's happy to see you smile... to know that bastard is gone...

Then you find someone else.

Light feels his eye twitch when you tell him the news. Months out of a horrible relationship, and you rebound for someone else? Someone not him?

"They've been a good friend of mine... I felt I should give them a chance... But I just don't know...."

Light just about lost it when you said those words. He felt himself gripping the desk in his room as he looked at you sitting on his bed. Ryuk ends up teasing him and his 'love trouble'... but Light snaps when he sees the blush on your cheeks.

“I’ve done everything for you and this is how you repay me?” Light snaps, making you jump. "I care about you, pour my heart out to you, and you look for someone else?"

You're immediately intimidated by the glare Light gives you. He stands up and you feel your heart sink. This feels so familiar...

It scares you.

“I removed the problem. You should be thanking me!” Light scoffs, standing in front of you and kneeling to look in your eyes.

"Light...? What do you mean removed the problem...?" You hesitantly asked, only for Light to laugh.

A chill runs down your spine.

"Oh, baby, you know what I mean..." Light coos, leaning closer. "It was so damn easy, too. That partner of yours didn't know what was coming...."

Another laugh occurs as Light cages you in, barely concealing the fact he's seething.

"I could do the same to that friend of yours..." Light whispers, eyes dark as he stares you down like a man starved. "That's all they are... a friend... I'm meant to be your boyfriend, baby...."

"Light, no, stop, I'm sorry—!" You plead, Light clicking his tongue.

"You're sorry?" Light muses. "You're sorry after playing with my feelings, after leading me on?"

You nod aggressively, even if what he said wasn't true. Light sighs deeply, pulling you closer. You go stiff...

You thought he was helping you...

Turns out he's just as bad as your old partner, he wanted something in return for helping you...

You're terrified.

"Fine, baby... I'll forgive you." Light sighs, burying his face into your neck. "Just prove to me you mean it..."

Light holds your chin, pulling back to look at you properly.

"Prove to me you mean it by being mine..."

You should've known Light wanted something... Wanted you...

You just doubt anyone's saving you this time.

[tododeku-or-bust]

you deserve to be treated well and treasured!!! would def be interested to hear about the bf situation. do what's right for you!

I appreciate that, and I agree!

Ice's vent about her partner troubles and life journeys and growth under the cut. Feel free to be nosy:

So... I've talked about this before on here, but I've been working very hard on myself, and that includes my communication and my grace. I am far from the hair trigger, explosive tempered person I was 8 (well, therapy was 6) years ago, and that was not just "time". That was effort. It was knowing that I didn't like how I felt, and how draining it was. Like yeah, I burn at a constant irritation to this day (tis the PTSD), but just bc I feel that way doesn't mean I can't control the words that come out of my mouth or the actions that I take. I try very hard to implement this grace in my life.

That being said, just because I choose grace, does NOT mean I'm a pushover. I know how to stand on business for myself.

That being said, I do feel like it's come to a point with my partner where... I don't think I'm the issue. Well, I don't think there's anything I can do to stop being his issue. My partner is a good man, but... I don't think he's a strong man, not necessarily in the way I need him to be. What I need in my life is somebody that allows me to relax, that allows me to express without feeling like I have to always prove something. To carry some weight so I don't always have to.

We have this thing, where he'll do something that upsets me, right? And I'll express, tone annoyed sure, but still direct communication, that it bothered me. And then suddenly the conversation will go from that, to how 'he can't talk to me bc sometimes I'll get mad and sometimes i don't', bc 'I don't listen or acknowledge his feelings and that's how he feels'. Now I admit, this long in, I sure don't take his retorts seriously like he'd like, and that's bc I don't appreciate how it always manages to go from "the thing that happened that caused this" to "I don't like how you responded". Like... Bruh. YOU caused this, but somehow I'M the one on the stand?

For example. Last night I was worried his water bottle lid wasn't on tight and it'd spill on him. So I pointed it out to him, urgently. He stares at me, continues drinking, and puts it on the table silently. ...okay. so I say it again, this time annoyed. Bc no tf you didn't just look me in my face and ignore me. He says "that's how it always looks" I'm like "does it" and he pushes the cap down. Okay, so it wasn't broken. So I tell him I don't appreciate that you ignored me when I was expressing concern for you. I coulda just let the bitch spill (I didn't say that part like that but I thought it).

Then it becomes "well I was drinking so I couldn't reply", and "you wouldn't believe me anyway bc sometimes you dont", and "that's why sometimes I do speak and sometimes I don't because you get mad". Bruh. Why wouldn't I be upset if you ignored me straight to my face? Ntm, you do this every time I bring something up, and notice how I STILL approach you and directly communicate my feelings! Like I just don't get it.

A bitch couldn't even enjoy the last of her Soju buzz, when he pulled this shit.

So I finally had to tell him, maybe we should stop bc I'm tired of being treated like a threat or a burden. ESPECIALLY when I carry most of the weight financially and emotionally in this house! Yeah it is wild to me that I work, cook or buy the meals, buy most of the necessities and 2/3rds of the bills... And you think you're being victimized when I tell you your communication skills are not good at your big age. Like it doesn't matter, but it's insult to injury to me rn. And mind you, I've never complained. I don't mind that he's struggling to find work bc ik it's not his fault, I've even offered to help him go back to school. But now you got me in here experiencing the very struggle love I hate most in the world?

Bc I can go. I got my first car, and I realized for the first time in my life... I can go where I want. I can buy my own shit, carry it... Literally I have no use for anyone else lmao. So now it's down to WANTING this man in my life... And you choose to stress me out?? And again, he's not a bad man. Genuinely, one of the best Black men when it comes to political opinions and allyship and such. I feel safer with him than any other man in my life. But still, that whole "men need to be explicitly told everything" shit Black people love teaching their daughters bro come ON you're a grown ass man, and your actions have consequences. This is ridiculous. Like I'm not doing this the rest of my life, he either need to grow some critical thinking skills or I'm good. He's the only guy I've ever wanted to marry, but I'm not doing this shit the rest of my life lmao if I gotta be stressed I might as well be single.

[eclaire-went-bam]

i'm gonna post this here bcs initially i posted it to cf on instagram but frankly i have too many cfs who don't know i'm Disordered™ in this way LMAO

this isn't a super emotional vent & shouldn't have any triggers However it is a super annoyed one

i think i try too often to be "silly" scary & mean & Obviously i don't Actually Try to be either of those, i just like being annoying. i find i do this automatically with "friends" who aren't an ep — if everyone else leaves and i'm stuck with just an ep, i suddenly act like a normal person again LMAO

but anyways point is: in this act, i act really stupid on purpose. i act like a cartoon character. i'm a creature of Show✨. i often make subtle jokes abt murder & stuff that'd probably be seen as angsty teenager cringe. i tease people in a very well-meaning but annoying way. this is my persona that has been established in these circles. i want to make it clear, people do not get offended when i'm like this & when they do i make sure to ask about it & apologise bcs that's ~Healthy~ & at the end of the day they usually seem to really enjoy the way i act (some ppl actually seem to enjoy the attention from teasingly psychoanalysing them A Bit Too Much haha)

but SOMETIMES someone takes the act a bit too seriously?? thinking i'm actually Trying to be mean or threatening or whatevs??? & goes "ur gonna have to try harder than that!! it's not working!!!!" and i'm like okaaaayyyyy big boy

& then i actually do what they say & suddenly it hits a wound a bit too deep. just one single sentence.

this just happened 2 days ago & i get it but idk maybe don't get too proud when it's clear it's just fun&games (the same fun&games as Always) & then get shocked.

frankly, i will not feel bad

& i often don't even realise what is “too far” (it's either probably the autism or the low empathy + egocentrism = i wouldn't be hurt if someone said it to me, so why would others?) most times so maybe don't make it a competition bcz then my narc brain Will compete & then try to make me feel bad abt it

me when i'm in friend groups where i constantly intentionally do & say things so everyone thinks i'm stupid & then i act like i'm not for once ;;;

listen. i may not feel guilty for my actions. i may even think you're Unwise for making your ticks so obvious & then proceeding to act like they aren't. however i would greatly appreciate it if you didn't make it some competition that you can't be scared or offended when you very clearly Can Be, you just think you can't be by me bcs you think a cute little afab like wittle ole me is incapable. & then it all gets soooo awkward afterwards even when i try to apologise but they keep going on abt how it was Too Far and That Hurt & when they finally stop they're just awkwardly quiet until they leave

i can understand getting competitive like this & doing whatever necessary to "win" is not a healthy trait & is probably a result of x y & z npd stuff & yes i did feel very ugly when they started belittling me out of Nowhere but idkkk right now i'm just annoyedddd

usually if someone gets like that i have an ep w/ me who knows i'm a narc i can dm to tell them what i Wanted to say & they can laugh w me (sometimes just acting stupid with others but in the know with an ep makes the feeling go away without actually needing to risk doing anything toxic) but they weren't there this time </222