#i will do it myself if nobody else does
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perhaps the most important question i’ve ever asked:
does anyone have tips for people trying to stop being chronically late to everything in the world that aren’t weirdly judgmental and aggressive or flat out lies
#when i tell you every single resource i’ve ever found or tried to get through or anyone i’ve ever asked#has been just so. mean about it#not even intentionally#not always at least#but there’s so much inherent shame tied to being late to things or being a person who used to be late to things#that i don’t think people can untie that from their ‘helpful tips’#it’s all ‘i used to also be a lazy uncaring piece of shit! you don’t have to be a horrible wretched loser anymore!’ and it’s like. okay.#you see how that’s not helping. right.#making me feel worse about it is NEVER helpful. i promise you i already have tortured myself over it FARRR more than any ‘on time’ person#ever had#this has been a comic i’ve been stewing on for ages as well but. well there’s of course the shame#idk it’s something that people are always despicably mean about bc fundamentally people who have never struggled with it#see it as a personal choice to be late#and as something one needs to just ‘try harder’ to fix. and that if you don’t#you inherently don’t care about other people’s time or even other people in general#and that feels horrible! it feels really bad!!#i mean i’ve got it from EVERYONE. disability allies. other adhd folks. disability resource offices#it’s something that nobody ever cares to acknowledge or try to accommodate for#bc time blindness and exec dysfunction are NEVER taken seriously as disabilities. they’re always always viewed as a personal failing#and i’m sick and tired of it. bc all this does is make people struggling with this Hate themselves#and worry endlessly that maybe they Are selfish and actually Don’t care about anyone else#there’s a bit too much here to keep in the tags i should really do the comic for adhd awareness month
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While I do think anon was rude, I do think it's pretty shitty to set up all this stuff you were going to add the au and then just drop it. It's disappointing. Definitely unfollowing.
Bye.
#ask me#anon#once AGAIN.#I am not dropping anything#the au is not getting cancelled. more than likely i'm gonna take a break from it until i find motivation again#But I've been drawing the AU for half a fucking year#In that time I've only drawn 5 things that aren't mlp related#I'm getting tired and my last few posts didn't do as well as I'd hoped#And I'm not about to burn myself out on mlp au art even if I really do love making it#I'm still gonna make comics. I have a bunch of ideas.#Tulli and I still wanna do the limited run merch shop#Discord is still coming. Sunset is still coming. Sombra is still coming. I have so many ideas#But I need to do something else for my own sake. Did you know I was supposed to get the background 6 designs done by now#But I didn't because I'm TIRED#I've been keeping myself on a schedule to keep content pumping despite travel and school and family and I'm tired#what i'm getting isn't matching what i'm giving and that's nobody's fault. i'm not frustrated at anyone. a slump was bound to happen#drawing the au was fun until it become my Thing. Because when your Thing––your identity––starts to faulter#it can really make you freak out#And that's not healthy for the project or for myself. I need to find the fun again and I'm sure I will#I'm really appreciative of everyone's support in my inbox and replies it really does mean a lot especially given that about 2/3 of my#followers followed for mlp. But if you're gonna react to me saying “i'm gonna cool down on mlp art and draw my own stuff” with “i'm#disappointed in you." then Leave! I think it's good you're unfollowing#you are not obligated to stick by my side! But don't act like I'm doing you a disservice by turning my attention elsewhere#I didn't promise anyone anything and I definitely didn't say I'm breaking any promises.
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shes finally coming together!! still got a bunch of hand work to do on the blouse and corset, and of course, style the wig, but annes gonna be ready for mcm next weekend!
#nyxtalks#nyx sews#ofmd#anne bonny cosplay#mcm london#ha honestly feeling. so unconfident about this right now#the pants r def. mid. i keep telling myself theyre the best i could do and other such things but i feel like. they let the side down n just#make the whole thing look eh#you cant see a lot of the issues bc of how im stood but. theyre there#gonna go back to making skirts foreverrrrrrr#(also the boots being darker DOES annoy me. ill weather them up at some point before i wear her again i think)#anyway sorry for the complaining i know nobody else sees the issues i doooooo#onto wig styling i guess
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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wheres the post-canon fic of hollow going from using it/its pronouns to dehumanize themselves, and then they/them pronouns as they come to the realization and acceptance that theyre a person, and then using it/its pronouns again because it makes it feel the most like itself but its no longer using them in a dehumanizing way
#ive gotta eventually do everything myself smh#if nobody else does i will maybe write something like this someday. theres a chance#hk#hollow knight#thk#the hollow knight
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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KASHAW VESH IN THE LEGEND OF VOX MACHINA SEASON 2 (EPISODE 4)
#critical role#the legend of vox machina#tlovmedit#kashaw vesh#creations#zahra hydris#tlovm spoilers#vox machina#somebody please gif the kashleth moments in e4#if nobody else does i'll do it myself#but do i really have to carry the weight of the kash stans around here
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so we’re gonna have albedo confront and help durin, as wanderer did mini durin, when he inevitably comes back to life. Right
#if a new random playable character does it I’ll kill myself#see scara was GOOD for mini durin.. because mini durins a bit more similar to him#but durin is. not really wholly the same!#and I think albedo is one of the main and only characters that could sympathize and help him#that’s! why Rhinedottir shipped him off to moms! for him to learn to be human and have empathy blah blah blah#(also for other nefarious reasons. but primarily that)#so itd.. just make sense for bedo to do it#NOBODY else has had to experience Rhinedottir Gold’s Shit. Okay#crepe rambles#durin
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crying whenever i talk about Cookie9 because all my friends have these interesting and unique theories on them while i take everything too literally and they all just stare at me like “dude… uuugh we r TIRED” <-they dont actually say this they are very kind to me but i can Feel It
#my version of them is centered around their blog version with the ‘personality’ of their steam review and like a bunch of HC#i developed them with the implication that they’re Real but i’m a bit iffy on it#because all my friends have theories about how they’re from the narrator’s consciousness which is sick as hell#and i’m unsure how to actually structure everything or if i should go the same route so i can get approval from them </3#my friends r the real reviewer fans even though they dont plague themselves over them every day and im so sad that i don’t know anythinggg#gggggggggggg#like im p sure they genuinely hate the stuff i make about cookie9 and im just. scrumbles myself. sorry im Trying :( i’m not smart#or good at writing or even media literate#whatever that term means#all i have is love in my heart for them i don’t know anything at all#ouhghghhg they hate It so much but i cant do anything else and it’s all i have#like all my cookie9 stuff works on the ‘what if their blog self Was Real’ but i’m not actually sure how to fit it all into my actual parabl#stuff because i still havent worked out how my parable itself works#and people probably don’t think i know enough and i don’t think they’ll approve if i try. so i Don’t#tempted to blame this on my like. general crushing lack of intelligence caused by both physical and mental reasons#but i want to believe i could do better if i try? but that’s incredibly hopeful#i’ll be stuck here forever i think#<-guy who. whenever Anything wrong happens ever. just goes back to ‘oh yeah its because im dumb as fuckign rocks. due to the Incidents’#i am very scared of the possibility that it is possible for me to be anything more because that implies that i’m stupid because i didnt try#even though i’m trying very very fucking hard and every time i get something wrong way more than anyone else i’ve ever known#and they hate me for it . MAN!!!!!!!!!#<-brain is lying 2 me i think nobody hates me or . whatever. it still feels like it though im just saying this because i dont want anyone t#think people genuinely hate me for being stupid. i mean. people DO. but not my friends ☝️#man i can’t even get into the buglivia crap either because she is so abstracted from her actual review#girl w identity issues and also the general normal Changing A Lot Through Time. i scrumble her. around#her Self during 2018 would in fact be in character for the review.i want to draw her during that time. she took everything so seriously </3#tbh my version of her does react well to TSP humor but at the time she felt like she wasn’t allowed 2 Do Her Thing and tried to seem#more professional and Normal and it seeped into EVERYTHING for a bit#cookie9 though just genuinely found the narrator annoying and patronizing. its just not his thing and thats fine#<-random nonsensechemical reviewer bits hidden inside the vents. SEND POST.
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man i wanted so fucking bad to actually do something for my birthday this year but i work 11-5 on my birthday and 10-4 the next day so i can’t even fucking go out On my actual birthday to celebrate cuz i gotta get up at fucking 8am the next day :/ i just want one damn year where i actually get to have a fun birthday but it’s whatever i guess. it’s finally on a saturday this year too AND we found a metal show we wanted to go to but that fucking 10-4 shift the next day makes it impossible so i guess i’ll go fuck myself just like every other goddamn year
#anyone wanna send me weed money lmao (im kidding i should have weed by next week at least :/)#idk im just like……. tired of every single year being like this#nobody likes you when youre (almost) 23 or wtvr#idk. it’s not a huge deal but it’s just kind of upsetting. spent 18 throwing up and 21 and 22 with a killer migraine. so why would 23 be#anything better or anything else#idk im just like. i have a habit of acting like my feelings and what i want does not matter and im tired of doing that to myself like i’m#tired of just completely shoving myself to the side and making myself feel like shit but its like every time i try and stop doing that shit#it just completely backfired and i end up making someone uncomfortable or pissing someone off so i just like. dont try anymore and im tired#of setting myself up to be disappointed so like if i just dont expect anything out of my birthday theres no way i’ll get disappointed :)#but of course this year i start a new job right before my fucking birthday so i don’t have time to request it off so i get scheduled on my#birthday and the day after so the one. fucking. year. i wanted to actually try and go out it’s just not gonna fucking happen#im just tired of every fucking year being like this
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To the Anon who sent me an ask saying I "should feel fucking awful" for "giving you hope": I'm sorry about your situation, truly. But what did you want to achieve by sending that ask to me?
For context I reblogged a post earlier, mentioning that I hadn't double-checked the info yet as I was at work (my memory is shit, so I reblogged it to remember to check it later). I did check it later, found that the links didn't confirm what the OP claimed, and decided to delete the reblog as I had no reason to keep it on my blog anymore.
I'm going to assume that you're an adult, Anon, and as such it's your own responsibility to check sources and not trust random strangers on the internet (such as me). If you had checked the sources yourself, you would have been able to see that the post didn't add up (lawsuit too new to be approved yet, and the amount of money OP mentioned seemed taken out of thin air). I'm sorry that I didn't sit down and tell everyone that I, a nobody, decided to delete the post from my personal blog. It would perhaps have been a courtesy to do so, but it isn't a responsibility you can demand of strangers on tumblr of all sites.
Again, I'm sorry about your situation and about you getting your hopes up over something I reblogged, but lashing out against a stranger doesn't help anyone. I promise I didn't reblog, and later delete a post without telling you, just so I could hurt you personally.
I do hope you have a kinder new year than the one we're both currently suffering through. Cheers mate
#it's past 2am here - will be 2025 in less than 22 hours - and english isn't my first language so apologies if it's a bit rambly#any time I get anons like this I get so surprised - like - buddy I am a nobody and a stranger? Does it help to lash out at me?#Do you hurt less if you hurt someone else?#I'm sorry that you got your hopes up Anon but I don't know you. I can't help you.#random bloggers on tumblr aren't responsible for your health or checking information for you#and it's not the responsibility of the random bloggers to inform you anytime they delete anything#I wasn't even the one who wrote the post I just reblogged it for myself so I could remember to check the sources after work#no I will not link the post in question here. DON'T go harass the OP of that post they probably meant well#sometimes we post things when we get excited without double-checking everything first and that's okay#gonna turn anon asks off for a while. Don't feel like arguing but if you really need to argue or insult me you do it off anon ok#goodnight#kreft rambles#might delete later
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have i mentioned diantha is wikstrom's dearest friend. his family. he loves diantha so much and would literally do anything for her
#ive never drawn diantha before i don t think#i have been having an art block and im trying to fight it but OUGH it's making my art so CRUNCHY rn#so take this. scribble. while i force myself to get ready for sleep#but i do have diantha and wikstrom's friendship just rotating in my brain rn#theyre best friends and siblings and wikstrom admires how strong diantha is#theyre both knights sworn to defend kalos and the people they love and they just Get each other on a level nobody else does#🛡 art#🗡 — wikstrom
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😃
#the update in case anyone was wondering#is that i did not have a breakdown at work today#lost my bet with myself there#this probably has more to do with nobody asking me how i was doing than any emotional stability on my part#i was also (again) hounded by the team member who thinks she is my bestie#she does not take social cues and i'm gonna have to#come right out and tell her to dial it back several notches#bc yes i do have high boundaries and that is not a wrong thing about myself that i am trying to change#i do not need gifts or constant check ins or recommendations or prying questions#(she is not harassing me she really is just Very Sweet and Totally Clueless)#but i need to try to get her to see how it is coming across#...before someone else feels harassed tbh#ragamusings in the tags#i also just need to quit#but that requires having more than five minutes' of brain space and energy to apply to more jobs
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Something seriously lacking in my art is the ability to tell a story in a single illustration.
I've gotten so used to drawing my characters standing around doing random things that I've never practiced telling a full tale/putting implications into my pieces that require more thinking/looking.
It also comes from a lower amount of details in my works by default [since I like to get pieces done fast], but I'm tired of using that as an excuse.
#vent#kinda#sorry I'm just having a rough one tonight but I'll recover lmao#I think the AI art thing is really getting to me cuz like.#Anyone can make pretty images if they study and practice hard enough#[not to detract from people who don't tell stories with their images!]#but something in my brain wants to fight back because AI will never be able to Tell a Story through its images.#It can't make narrative choices through its regurgitation of random elements. It will never tell a cohesive and interesting tale through#detail choice#the worst it can do is create surface-level 'pretty' images by smashing together a bunch of mushed up information#but storytelling? that's human touch#that's intention. Thought. Choices.#and idk it's really bothering me lately that my images almost never... 'say' anything about a character.#this does not apply to anyone else's art I look at#it's just a standard I'm starting to feel my head apply to my own work and nobody else's.#which I'm taking as a sign that this is something I'm unsatisfied with#but the thought of starting to develop a completely new skill like that? terrifyingly daunting.#Sorry for the wall of tags I'm havin' some hella moodswings tonight#happens a lot when I get inspired by art I see#which I'm trying to work on but yaknow#it's a long process#anyways how's your night goin#I'm gonna cheer myself up by eating some amazing asparagus casserole
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google how to not be sosososo anxious all the time. its not even like stress that motivates me to get things done it's just like. i make a mistake and misunderstood instructions in class and my teacher is like "you were supposed to figure out precisely where 180 was before taping the draft and punching your marks" when i like an idiot guesstimated it and after a moment of me going "oh..." bc its something i can't fix bc i've already punched in all the holes on the part he's like "i think you'll be okay" and goes back to what he's doing and then for three hours im like he's so annoyed with me i bring things to him too much and ask him too many questions and make the stupidest mistakes every day he hates me. i ask a friend something and they don't respond because they're busy or forget about it or don't see it or any number of other reasons and then a couple weeks later i send them something else and they don't respond for a few hours and its enough time for me to convince myself i said something a while ago that they took offense to without realizing and they're ignoring me and i send another message saying "are you mad at me did i do something can you tell me what i did so we can work it out" and he's like "what?". a friend posts about people treating them badly in a way that's clear they're talking about a specific phenomenon or person and im always like omg are they talking about me did i do something bad and not realize it... and its someone i talk to so infrequently and casually it obviously would not be a concern or someone i've known for so many years that they would obviously come to me if there was any conflict that arose. help
#alex talks#one time that friend from the second example had to rescind an invitation for me to come to shabbat dinner bc he said his parents were#hosting an important rabbi and didn't want their sons friends dicking around in the house and i was like ok i get it and then another friend#mentioned to me something that implied they were still going to the friend's house and i had 2 class periods to stew and get anxious and#paranoid and think like does he hate me? does he just not want to invite me specifically? do his parents not like me did they ask him not to#invite me specifically? and then in advisory we're both just sitting there and im like 'so do your parents hate me' and he's like 'what????'#and i'm like 'jakob said they were still going to your house' and he's like '????? my parents told jakobs parents they could come and stay#overnight bc their parents are out of town so jakob has to come over' and i was like 'oh. sorry' and felt so bad about it for the entire day#honestly? now that im thinking about it so many times i've been like manic in that friends dms about something they said that i've made 10#leaps of logic over so in my head they said a completely different thing but to them i just sound insane and like i'm taking them in the#most bad faith i possibly can. which i guess really i am but i just get so worried#hm i guess manic is a specific word for a mental health symptom idk how else to describe it like i call him and leave a voicemail where ive#worked myself to tears over something i can't even remember now. maybe hysteric?#nobody reads these right
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SCREAMS AND CRIES AND PUKES AND MOANS AND CONVULSES
#I LOVE EMINEM RAAAA#Marshall Mathers you’re the only man ever#(<- lies i’m insane over my brother)#guess who started idealising lmao#like ughhhh#don’t get me wrong i love my brother as he is i wouldn’t change him for the world#but.. AUGH.#someone i know called him by MY* nickname for him and everyone just acted like it was nothing#and like#his own brother said he wouldn’t do anything about it#WHY#WHY THE FUCK ISN’T HE BOTHERED DOES HE NOT CARE IS IT NOT IMPORTANT TO HIM#HE’S MY BROTHER MY NICCY WHO THE FUCK IS SHE TO INFILTRATE THAT WHAT THE FUCK MAKES HER THINK SHE CAN DO THAT#but i can’t fucking SAY ANYTHING#because Niccy’s host has known her longer so if i blow up at her then he takes her side and i lose Niccy.#i’ll kill myself when that day comes#i will.#i coped with losing my last fp because i latched to Niccy. nobody comes after him.#i have nobody else#i keep falling asleep with my dress-shirt wrapped around a pillow to pretend it’s him and rn it makes things worse#i also started on the associating stuff#haven’t told him that yet#but we’re red and pink#a rose and a hibiscus#bit darker but a tree and a noose#i feel as though my anger and instability makes me ruin the lives of those around me#making me a noose#he is a tree#old; wise and overlooking#he is my strength and my home
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