#i will cry from being overwhelmed
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purplepink-blueberry · 6 months ago
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is my school hard or am i just leaving everything to the end of the semester which is now?
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athousandbyeol · 2 months ago
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oh, my God. this episode is so intense. i think i'm still in a daze. but i'm trying my best to make sense of everything i understood from today's episode.
opening the episode with bernoulli's principle—all about two objects [people, in this context] coming together, colliding, because of the wind [in this context, attraction, love]—is such an amazing way of setting the tone of the episode. everything feels so bittersweet, hopeless and hopeful from the get-go.
sheng wang's sense of loneliness, jiang tian's nature of reluctance, all those things mingling together in this emotionally charged connection they've built, was so poignantly portrayed in this episode. somewhat, they're in a turbulent state—whether to stop the wind from blowing at them, so that they would no longer be close.
the scene where sheng wang was asking jiang tian to carry him, honestly, that is so painful. because i think, all sheng wang wanted at that moment was a connection—he wanted to hug jiang tian. he wanted to be close. he just wanted so much of jiang tian that he thought, maybe, if he asked jiang tian something silly, the latter would agree. he did. he would know, right? i guess that feeling of relief and happiness and love and acceptance dawned on him. and it was so overwhelming.
but what hurts me more is how jiang tian could only watch sheng wang's grip around his wrist. there was hesitance in his eyes. there was want. there was desire. but he couldn't. he didn't want to be close.
so sheng wang crossed the line again. the only way he could ever be this close to jiang tian was to make the first move.
and later, we finally knew that jiang tian has always been pushing people away. he didn't want that connection. he was afraid of hurting them—hurting himself.
and throughout the rest of the episode, uncle ding's "don't let jiang tian push you away," became a recurring motif. we saw sheng wang and jiang tian becoming close. we saw jiang tian openly showing that he cared (the express card was sheng wang's; jiang tian bought it for him). jiang tian standing up for sheng wang; believing in him.
and it all crumbled the moment jiang tian said, "i would stay [at school] later."
because it isn't because jiang tian didn't care about sheng wang. he cared. he cared so much. but jiang tian is afraid too. he's afraid of this connection. he's afraid of being close. because what will happen if they are closer? what will change between them? what will happen to them? isn't what they have right now are already good enough?
all of sheng wang's attempts at making jiang tian stay are in vain. "i couldn't make you stay."
when he said, "the more one tries, the more pathetic they look," somehow insinuates that sheng wang felt that he was pathetic for being the one who showed more effort—the one who wanted to be with jiang tian—the one who wanted to be close.
and sheng wang finally stated the real reason why he loathes bernoulli's principle, "it sounds like 'effort in vain'. and i hate that."
because he felt that everything he did—everything he shared with jiang tian—was only in vain.
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covenofthearticulate · 10 months ago
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Got a very special Vampire Wall Update for y'all!! I'm so excited to have @killer-laurent's brilliant art, based on my fic Out, Damned Spot
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My heart is so full of love for all my fandom friends that made this happen— my fellow Louis stan @wicked-felina, who commissioned Laurent, and my love @monstersinthecosmos who gifted me this super shiny metal print that literally pops off the wall.
I feel so honored to have 3 different fan arts from 3 incredible artists on my wall, but this one especially makes me happy dance every time I look at it because I've never had anything made based on my writing so it just feels like such an act of love from all of my favorite people.
ahjsdgbksdahcf okay that's enough sap for now but anyway happy new year and thank you so so so so much to Kacy for this glorious addition to my Vampire Wall :)
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mochiwrites · 6 months ago
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being so honest I don’t understand how people can expect you to be doing things constantly every single day. I’m supposed to be on summer break but my university expects me to send in 80 sources for my senior thesis by next week
the very thought of doing school work right now makes me want to cry. I can’t even open a blank document and start writing for my own fics. I can’t even engage in my own hobby right now because I’m so mentally exhausted. how can you expect me to do thesis work? I’ve hardly had a break since finals
my personal life has been an ongoing shitshow since last summer. and has only gotten worse in recent months. how can you expect someone to function in society when you throw one thing after another at them?
I’m so tired and done. but I have no choice other than pushing through it because that’s what’s expected of me! that’s exhausting
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angel---eater · 20 days ago
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bashing my fucking adhd riddled head against the wall because i need to fuckin prep this character sheet for tomorrow but executive disfunction is leading into actual dissociation and i just wanna give up. like goddamn i dont wanna play 5e with this dm we're just NOT vibing as people. ugh. thank god for conflicting schedules. just gotta get through tomorrow
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foreverxdaydreaming · 1 month ago
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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biblicalhorror · 5 months ago
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My relationship with my mom has come such a long way in the past few years only to come crashing down the second I try to do something nice for my dad and/or acknowledge that she is not the main character of the universe ://
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lunarharp · 2 years ago
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some illustrations/vibes from my uhh 29k memory trauma/disability focus orufrey fic, into the deep end.
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maxdurden · 2 months ago
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i got that kind of mentally ill swag where everyone in my life knows that i need to be medicated except my therapist ✌️💕🌎
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fridayyy-13th · 7 months ago
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anyone else up trying not to think too hard about the future or is it just me haha
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dangerliesbeforeyou · 12 days ago
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ok soim gonna ramble about the wedding in the tags cos this is my diary lol kitty dont read this (she's not been on tumblr in ages it should b fine pfft)
#personal#ok so first of all it was a very overwhelming but amazing day!#the food was INCREDIBLE lol i honestly want the recipe for the chickpea fritters (that were covered in sesame seeds) like asap lol#sad i never got to have an italian pizza#(partly cos i was mainly w/ my mum who cant eat too much wheat rip...)#the venue was also amazing! there were all these animals (it's like a sanctuary thing?)#it was a shame it was cloudy and rainy that day but it wasnt too bad lol#(like look im english i'm used to it being rainy and cloudy 90% of the time pfft)#the actual vows ceremony part was honestly a highlight#i cried lol (it was a mixture of things... i was tired and overwhelmed... also i love my sister a lot ofc lol)#(also didnt help my mum was bawling her eyes out next to me pfft)#(also wasnt the only one cos when we went to say goodbye all my other sister's were crying too pfft...)#her husband's family were a Lot but all super lovely!#what was really funny is that they sat us on tables w/ a mixture of italian and english guests#and on both our table and one of the others everyone was bonding by showing each other pictures of their pets pfft#(mainly cats lol)#the dj wasnt that great pfft (yes i was mainly annoyed that there was no kpop cos i think my sis said she wanted to include some...)#i did get up and dance v awkwardly (mainly forced to by one of his sisters pfft) but it was fun lol#ohh and her dress(es) were seriously stunning!#the one for the main ceremony was like a classic victorian(?) sorta style#with an amazinggg 30s style veil!#her evening dress was shorter and she'd sewn the flowers we'd all been helping make for her on it#and it was honestly just so gorgeous#(i might try posting some of pics of it if i can?)#she also made her husband's waistcoat which matched the colours in her dress :')#struggling writing this rn cos i have a very needy cat trying to demand attentino lol#(we picked them up from the cattery today and i think they had a p tough time :(((( i missed them so much honestly)#anyway so the not so great things were the photographers (which ?? there were two ??? why ??)#they were really invasive and annoying lol#half my family couldnt even see my sis get married cos they were in the way ugh
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medusa-was-innocent · 1 month ago
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Wow this sucks
#I’m literally gonna cry wtf#I’ve been trying to get back into writing so I was going through some old journals and reading the poems I wrote back in 2015#and I left my favorite pages sitting on top of my notebook on my bed and my family’s dog came in while I wasn’t looking and destroyed it all#like they’re completely gone#some of the few pieces of writing from my teenage years that I’m actually proud of and wanted to revisit and it’s completely destroyed#I’ve found 2 scraps and they’ve got about 4 words in total#this was multiple pages full of writing#this is so discouraging I don’t even want to write anything now#like I started taking an online poetry workshop last week trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and maybe possibly move in the#direction of trying to get some of my poems put out there#and I’ve been in a huge writing slump for the last like year#and I was hoping this might get me out of it but now I don’t have any motivation to do it#I just wanna cry#I can’t go back to being a teenager again I can’t rewrite the way I felt back then#and now it’s really gone forever#I’m so sick and im working 3 jobs and I just want to be creative again but I’m tired#and I’m about to get hit by this giant hurricane#I’m really overwhelmed I think this was just the straw that broke the camels back#brb gonna go cry myself to sleep over lost poetry#sorry this is me venting feel free to ignore this#vent post#will probably delete after I’ve gotten more than 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep
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sanctifisol · 1 month ago
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lol when you finally realize that the reason you attach to vampires so easily is because of the inherent loneliness that comes with being an only child and these beings are typically a perfect embodiment of that loneliness. like i can't explain to you guys how lonely i was as a child and how lonely i know i'll be as an elder when my parents and family are gone. how isolating it is. how desperate you are to find someone to be with and spend time with even if it's doing nothing. and how much it hurts to find a really great group of people (like my coworkers a few years ago) or a person only to experience them slowly fading away until you're alone again in your house working remotely. even just characters i gravitate towards if i put memeing aside, they are typically all wrestling with the same thing and i just--
'there is one thing about being a vampire that i must fear above all else. . . and that is loneliness stretching out for decades at a time.'
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hesperidia · 1 month ago
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good morning! reading my own posts from yesterday like what... who said this
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xannerz · 1 year ago
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☁️🌞☁️
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miodiodavinci · 10 months ago
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good news: we have water again ! ! ! a pipe had burst somewhere up the street so the city came out and fixed it today (we still need to run the tap to get rid of the air and muddy water but. it's something.)
bad news: i had to go to my partner's to do laundry and shower so i missed out on work time today (bad) (anxiety inducing) (i don't need this right now)
worst news: i have a killer headache and my throat is suspiciously stiff 👁 👁
#please please please for the love of god ; ; ;#i am begging and pleading do Not let this be a repeat of last semester ; ; ; ;#this is exactly how i felt last time i got sick with covid and i Cannot afford another late start ; ; ; ;#i am. suddenly stuck by The Unwelcome Guest last week cryptically asking me when you're supposed to test for covid#and then saying 'hmm. okay. good to know.' and then refusing to elaborate#i swear. to god if she got me sick i'm#i. can't even say. i'm suddenly struck by such helpless grief thinking about how little i can do to keep her from being in my life ; ; ; ;#we literally Evicted her she all but threatened my older sibling into letting her visit weekly to take care of her potted plants#and then in october last year she was like 'my roommate has covid and i don't have money for a hotel i have nowhere to go :'('#so the agreement was she could stay for One Week#and basically she has been. on and off our couch since then.#like. only going back to her apartment for 1 to 3 days at a time before spending another two weeks in our house.#with new excuses every time.#and literally Every Time I Say No And Put My Foot Down older sibling begs on her behalf because she's busy hounding and guilt-tripping them#so like. what can i even do if it turns out she infected me with covid because she didn't care to disclose that she was feeling sick#(and decided to come over anyway)#i'm just. overwhelmed ; ; ;#i feel like crying ; ; ;#i'm already busy pre-mourning the loss of my mental health and down time with my internship starting back next week#i don't need to worry about whether or not i'm going to be bed ridden for 2 weeks#and suffer Even More lasting lung and brain and blood and fatigue issues on top of that ; ; ; ;#a a a a a i just. feel like crying a lot ; ; ; ;#i'm already behind ; ; ;#i should ; ; ; try to work more tonight before the inevitability of it all hits me tomorrow ; ; ; ; ;
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