#i will cry from being overwhelmed

[purplepink-blueberry]

is my school hard or am i just leaving everything to the end of the semester which is now?

[athousandbyeol]

oh, my God. this episode is so intense. i think i'm still in a daze. but i'm trying my best to make sense of everything i understood from today's episode.

opening the episode with bernoulli's principle—all about two objects [people, in this context] coming together, colliding, because of the wind [in this context, attraction, love]—is such an amazing way of setting the tone of the episode. everything feels so bittersweet, hopeless and hopeful from the get-go.

sheng wang's sense of loneliness, jiang tian's nature of reluctance, all those things mingling together in this emotionally charged connection they've built, was so poignantly portrayed in this episode. somewhat, they're in a turbulent state—whether to stop the wind from blowing at them, so that they would no longer be close.

the scene where sheng wang was asking jiang tian to carry him, honestly, that is so painful. because i think, all sheng wang wanted at that moment was a connection—he wanted to hug jiang tian. he wanted to be close. he just wanted so much of jiang tian that he thought, maybe, if he asked jiang tian something silly, the latter would agree. he did. he would know, right? i guess that feeling of relief and happiness and love and acceptance dawned on him. and it was so overwhelming.

but what hurts me more is how jiang tian could only watch sheng wang's grip around his wrist. there was hesitance in his eyes. there was want. there was desire. but he couldn't. he didn't want to be close.

so sheng wang crossed the line again. the only way he could ever be this close to jiang tian was to make the first move.

and later, we finally knew that jiang tian has always been pushing people away. he didn't want that connection. he was afraid of hurting them—hurting himself.

and throughout the rest of the episode, uncle ding's "don't let jiang tian push you away," became a recurring motif. we saw sheng wang and jiang tian becoming close. we saw jiang tian openly showing that he cared (the express card was sheng wang's; jiang tian bought it for him). jiang tian standing up for sheng wang; believing in him.

and it all crumbled the moment jiang tian said, "i would stay [at school] later."

because it isn't because jiang tian didn't care about sheng wang. he cared. he cared so much. but jiang tian is afraid too. he's afraid of this connection. he's afraid of being close. because what will happen if they are closer? what will change between them? what will happen to them? isn't what they have right now are already good enough?

all of sheng wang's attempts at making jiang tian stay are in vain. "i couldn't make you stay."

when he said, "the more one tries, the more pathetic they look," somehow insinuates that sheng wang felt that he was pathetic for being the one who showed more effort—the one who wanted to be with jiang tian—the one who wanted to be close.

and sheng wang finally stated the real reason why he loathes bernoulli's principle, "it sounds like 'effort in vain'. and i hate that."

because he felt that everything he did—everything he shared with jiang tian—was only in vain.

[gemallass]

I have said it before and I am saying it again: Ford should get to be a bit of a crybaby when regressed, as a threat 👏

He can unlearn the shame of crying better (speculation/hc since he's a man in his 60s--or late 50s if you want--that grew up in the 60s with a toxic father figure. I don't have a single doubt that Filbrick would've taught his children that. One way or another, even) when he's feeling small.

Plus, rather than supressing his fears, anxieties and etc he could just, let it out. It would be good for him, me thinks.

Yeah obviously it doesn't mean he would have a 180º change in attitude once he's done, and, hell, I think he would still try to supress it even when he's regressed and such, but I think the key difference is that he would struggle more to do so at that moment, and so he would end up in a puddle of his own tears.

And then later the shame comes since "boys don't cry", "men don't cry" and blah blah blah, but ya know, baby steps.

Or if he's with someone else he gets a nice hug and pets while he lets all the stress out.

He gets to be vulnerable, and soft, and to be the protected, as a threat.

[mars-ipan]

interesting to me how when i turned 19 i was kinda terrified bc i was like “oh shit this is my last year as a teenager….. i won’t be a teenager after that… i wanted to be a teenager for all of my childhood and now that part’s almost Over. aaaaugh” and now approx. 9 months later i cannot fucking WAIT to stop being a teenager oh my god i am ready to move on. 20s please i would like to be in them. i am done being 19 thank you !!!

[peppermintmochafem]

Need somebutch to come lay on my chest and let me pet them to sleep!

[mochiwrites]

being so honest I don’t understand how people can expect you to be doing things constantly every single day. I’m supposed to be on summer break but my university expects me to send in 80 sources for my senior thesis by next week

the very thought of doing school work right now makes me want to cry. I can’t even open a blank document and start writing for my own fics. I can’t even engage in my own hobby right now because I’m so mentally exhausted. how can you expect me to do thesis work? I’ve hardly had a break since finals

my personal life has been an ongoing shitshow since last summer. and has only gotten worse in recent months. how can you expect someone to function in society when you throw one thing after another at them?

I’m so tired and done. but I have no choice other than pushing through it because that’s what’s expected of me! that’s exhausting

[foreverxdaydreaming]

x

[biblicalhorror]

My relationship with my mom has come such a long way in the past few years only to come crashing down the second I try to do something nice for my dad and/or acknowledge that she is not the main character of the universe ://

[spxrm]

Shawn, baby, I don’t care what anybody says. Pls don’t ever let go of/suppress that sensitivity in you. It is such a blessing to feel things deeply and sometimes it may seem annoying or overwhelming, but it truly is a gift. There are people who literally feel nothing or don’t know how to express their emotions, so to be able to feel so naturally is beautiful.

[thethingything]

so recently because of how bad our depression has been, when we try to do things we enjoy it's like our emotions are really dulled down or even just completely numb, but for whatever reason today it's been pretty much the opposite so I keep looking at things I like and just being overwhelmed with emotion which is kind of wild and making me wonder what's going on with our brain, but also kind of refreshing and it feels like it's been really cathartic

[ame-to-ame]

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[lunarharp]

some illustrations/vibes from my uhh 29k memory trauma/disability focus orufrey fic, into the deep end.

[reading-writing-dying]

Thinking about it and I'm pretty sure writing and posting fanfiction is one of the healthiest things I've done for myself in the last year

[maxdurden]

i got that kind of mentally ill swag where everyone in my life knows that i need to be medicated except my therapist ✌️💕🌎

[fridayyy-13th]

anyone else up trying not to think too hard about the future or is it just me haha

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

ok soim gonna ramble about the wedding in the tags cos this is my diary lol kitty dont read this (she's not been on tumblr in ages it should b fine pfft)