#i will cry from being overwhelmed
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is my school hard or am i just leaving everything to the end of the semester which is now?
#i will cry from being overwhelmed#i spent today and yesterday reading like 20 EU documents and making 30 pages of notes from them#written by hand#now that im thinking its prolly more than 20 EU documents but also some UN stuff#and i wrote 1200 words for the assignment#tomorrow i am aiming for like 1000 as well#and to format it properly and cite#and then off i go readig about armenia and azerbaijan#and preparing for an interview as part of my final for another class#and maybe i will also start working on my bachelor thesis#i love studying political science tho#like at least i dont have to think about business stuff or biology or stuff like that#i love humanities#uni BS
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oh, my God. this episode is so intense. i think i'm still in a daze. but i'm trying my best to make sense of everything i understood from today's episode.
opening the episode with bernoulli's principle—all about two objects [people, in this context] coming together, colliding, because of the wind [in this context, attraction, love]—is such an amazing way of setting the tone of the episode. everything feels so bittersweet, hopeless and hopeful from the get-go.
sheng wang's sense of loneliness, jiang tian's nature of reluctance, all those things mingling together in this emotionally charged connection they've built, was so poignantly portrayed in this episode. somewhat, they're in a turbulent state—whether to stop the wind from blowing at them, so that they would no longer be close.
the scene where sheng wang was asking jiang tian to carry him, honestly, that is so painful. because i think, all sheng wang wanted at that moment was a connection—he wanted to hug jiang tian. he wanted to be close. he just wanted so much of jiang tian that he thought, maybe, if he asked jiang tian something silly, the latter would agree. he did. he would know, right? i guess that feeling of relief and happiness and love and acceptance dawned on him. and it was so overwhelming.
but what hurts me more is how jiang tian could only watch sheng wang's grip around his wrist. there was hesitance in his eyes. there was want. there was desire. but he couldn't. he didn't want to be close.
so sheng wang crossed the line again. the only way he could ever be this close to jiang tian was to make the first move.
and later, we finally knew that jiang tian has always been pushing people away. he didn't want that connection. he was afraid of hurting them—hurting himself.
and throughout the rest of the episode, uncle ding's "don't let jiang tian push you away," became a recurring motif. we saw sheng wang and jiang tian becoming close. we saw jiang tian openly showing that he cared (the express card was sheng wang's; jiang tian bought it for him). jiang tian standing up for sheng wang; believing in him.
and it all crumbled the moment jiang tian said, "i would stay [at school] later."
because it isn't because jiang tian didn't care about sheng wang. he cared. he cared so much. but jiang tian is afraid too. he's afraid of this connection. he's afraid of being close. because what will happen if they are closer? what will change between them? what will happen to them? isn't what they have right now are already good enough?
all of sheng wang's attempts at making jiang tian stay are in vain. "i couldn't make you stay."
when he said, "the more one tries, the more pathetic they look," somehow insinuates that sheng wang felt that he was pathetic for being the one who showed more effort—the one who wanted to be with jiang tian—the one who wanted to be close.
and sheng wang finally stated the real reason why he loathes bernoulli's principle, "it sounds like 'effort in vain'. and i hate that."
because he felt that everything he did—everything he shared with jiang tian—was only in vain.
#this episode feels like a punch in the gut#and a slap on the face#i didn't cry. but my chest feels so heavy now#it's so... overwhelming#the scene where jiang tian said that he could only think of how scared sheng wang was when he was beaten...#that was painful. that really gutted me to the core of my being#because we could see how broken jiang tian was when he said that; as if he was talking from his experience [he was]#and he would never wish that pain on anyone. especially sheng wang#this episode is physically and emotionally painful#i want to hug them both so badly#tianwang#the on1y one#na rambles#na discusses
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Got a very special Vampire Wall Update for y'all!! I'm so excited to have @killer-laurent's brilliant art, based on my fic Out, Damned Spot
My heart is so full of love for all my fandom friends that made this happen— my fellow Louis stan @wicked-felina, who commissioned Laurent, and my love @monstersinthecosmos who gifted me this super shiny metal print that literally pops off the wall.
I feel so honored to have 3 different fan arts from 3 incredible artists on my wall, but this one especially makes me happy dance every time I look at it because I've never had anything made based on my writing so it just feels like such an act of love from all of my favorite people.
ahjsdgbksdahcf okay that's enough sap for now but anyway happy new year and thank you so so so so much to Kacy for this glorious addition to my Vampire Wall :)
#it's literally shinier than my fucking glass-paned portraits LOL do you have any idea how hard it was to get these pics#the gold is just so so gorgeous in person and ties in so well with the gold iwtv movie art#actually back to being a sap for one more minute: i was just thinking about how around this time last year#was when i first moved into this place#and before unpacking any of my boxes the first thing i did was hung up my art#and during a meeting with our bipoc affinity space (which is just a chill space at work) one of the ice breaker questions was like#what makes you feel safe?#and i lowkey teared up because i was like. curating my environment is what makes me safe like no matter where i am in the world#if i can look up and be reminded of the things that i love i don't feel so overwhelmed#having a wall with my favorite things gifted from my favorite people is so so so special i cannot overstate that enough#anyway i'm out here crying in the club thank you and goodnight#fan art#killer-laurent#fave#absolute fave
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interesting to me how when i turned 19 i was kinda terrified bc i was like “oh shit this is my last year as a teenager….. i won’t be a teenager after that… i wanted to be a teenager for all of my childhood and now that part’s almost Over. aaaaugh” and now approx. 9 months later i cannot fucking WAIT to stop being a teenager oh my god i am ready to move on. 20s please i would like to be in them. i am done being 19 thank you !!!
#marzi speaks#it’s . probably bc of the vasculitis thing#which like. while it is a traumatic thing that i need to work through and plan on going to therapy about#it also put a LOT of things into perspective for me#and like actually i do not think i am afraid of growing up anymore !#i mean i still have like. the imposter syndrome and the fear of getting overwhelmed and falling behind#that’s not gonna go away overnight that’s been there for as long as i can remember#BUT!! i know deep down that i can figure it out now.#bc i figured out a lot. i figured out how to gauge my physical well being#i figured out how to be someone who can regularly make phone calls without crying#i figured out pharmacies. and i’m figuring out how insurance works#and appointments and withdrawing from school and reapplying to school#and all of the lifestyle changes that come with having an autoimmune disease#i’m learning self advocacy. i’m learning how to respond when people treat me poorly (always accidentally so far)#yeah getting my license has been hard and slow just bc i have all the anxiety shit about it. but i AM putting that effort in#i dunno it’s just. adult responsibilities are horrifying and the prospect of existing independently in our current society#is horrifying. and i think i’ll always be scared.#but i used to think i might not be able to handle it. that i would fall apart#i know now that i won’t. i will find a way to move forward and be happy. because that’s what i’ve always done#if i can take the scariest couple of months in stride the way that i have. then i think i can handle it#anyways. 19 was eventful enough can i be 20 now. i think being 20 would be good for me#still a Weird thing to think about. two whole decades. but like i can do it methinks
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being so honest I don’t understand how people can expect you to be doing things constantly every single day. I’m supposed to be on summer break but my university expects me to send in 80 sources for my senior thesis by next week
the very thought of doing school work right now makes me want to cry. I can’t even open a blank document and start writing for my own fics. I can’t even engage in my own hobby right now because I’m so mentally exhausted. how can you expect me to do thesis work? I’ve hardly had a break since finals
my personal life has been an ongoing shitshow since last summer. and has only gotten worse in recent months. how can you expect someone to function in society when you throw one thing after another at them?
I’m so tired and done. but I have no choice other than pushing through it because that’s what’s expected of me! that’s exhausting
#delete later#sorry I’m really frustrated rn#and screaming into the void is a better solution than keeping it bottled up#I really want to disappear rn#I’m not finding enjoyment from the things I love any more#I physically can’t bring myself to write#I’ve been stuck in this survival state since winter#everything feels so bad and overwhelming#I think I need a break or something#I don’t know#I don’t know what’ll help anymore#I don’t know what’ll make me feel better#I just want to cry#all the time#I miss writing. I miss being proud of what I wrote#I miss when I would be able to post something and I was happy with it#when I didn’t feel like I had to rewrite it over and over#I miss feeling like myself#lately I’ve just… felt like a stranger in my own body#going through the motions of life#and y’know what fuck I miss feeling like I was cared for#and loved#but I’m Me so yknow. I don’t get that#maybe I should take a nap
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I still can't get over this. Phantom why do you keep tugging at my heart strings 😭😭😭
#Ghost#Ghost BC#Phantom ghoul#Nameless Ghouls#Phantom#Phantom legitimately imprinted on Little Sunshine and I can't get over it#I can see him being one of those people who gets covered by puppies while on the ground and straight up cry from being so overwhelmed#the band Ghost#Ghost band#Ghost the band
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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bashing my fucking adhd riddled head against the wall because i need to fuckin prep this character sheet for tomorrow but executive disfunction is leading into actual dissociation and i just wanna give up. like goddamn i dont wanna play 5e with this dm we're just NOT vibing as people. ugh. thank god for conflicting schedules. just gotta get through tomorrow
#our t#i just wanna focus on the campaigns that actually MATTER to me but this 5e one demands. so fuckin much#theres so much shit to keep track of and its really overwhelming#and the dm didnt lead us in properly at all#we're joining in on a campaign thats already been running for a while and they under the banner of 'being cautious of spoilers'#gave us ABSOLUTELY ZERO CONTEXT for their custom worldstate or their very involved custom lore#OR what happened in the campaign previously w/ the other characters WHICH IS YKNOW THE MOST IMPORTANT THING#so we are literally floundering and i simply dont care enough about this dm (who is virtually a stranger to me) to use my spoons on this#its distracting me from stuff i need and want and would rather otherwise be doing ttrpg ways. idk sorry im just#really fuckin disabled and feeling frustrated about it#'5e is beginner friendly!' liarrrr you are a liarrrr you lied to meee playing 5e for the first time as a pre-leveled LVL6 character#is ADVANCED SHIT and with my learning disability? very literally nearly impossible#if i end up crying at table then i end up crying at table idc idc it'll get me outta the situation#maybe i should just start screaming IM GOING INTO LABOUR#sometimes you gotta ask urself what would jake english do and then seriously consider doing it
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My relationship with my mom has come such a long way in the past few years only to come crashing down the second I try to do something nice for my dad and/or acknowledge that she is not the main character of the universe ://
#i tried to ask her if she wanted to get sushi with us for fathers day (48 hours away) and she said 'yeah unless something happens'#and i was like 'okay well the website says they wont seat us unless we're a full party' and she was like 'maybe ill make it maybe i wont'#then hung up on me#THEN texted me like 'just put me down for a no.. i cant decide this on less than a moments notice and you clearly dont want me there anyway#and 'thats the answer you wanted right? 😘'#fucking GOD FORBID i try to do something nice for my dad on FATHERS DAY after not being able to see him for several months#bc hes been flying to and from IL every couple of weeks to care for his dying father#and the saddest part is that for mothers day or her birthday or anything like that my dad is always the person bringing it up first#to my sister and me to make sure we can all plan something that will make her feel special and appreciated#and meanwhile my mom acts like a fucking toddler the second the attention is not on her for 2 seconds#'im tired and so busy and you gave me no time to decide' i literally would have given you a few hours to think about it if youd communicate#instead you passive aggressively imply i hate you because im doing something nice for someone else#ALSO you are not the only person on the goddamned planet that is busy and overwhelmed right now like are you KIDDING#i want to cry#personal
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Shawn, baby, I don’t care what anybody says. Pls don’t ever let go of/suppress that sensitivity in you. It is such a blessing to feel things deeply and sometimes it may seem annoying or overwhelming, but it truly is a gift. There are people who literally feel nothing or don’t know how to express their emotions, so to be able to feel so naturally is beautiful.
#coming from someone who feels everything deeply#I will literally cry from being happy sad angry overwhelmed feeling cared for… just anything really#I used to think it made look weak but it is such a superpower especially in the world that we live in today#shawn mendes#sweet potato#He’s such a crier but same
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some illustrations/vibes from my uhh 29k memory trauma/disability focus orufrey fic, into the deep end.
#witch hat tag#orufrey#idk what more i'll draw so i'll just put these here. i think my failing eye qifrey will be with me forever now.#yesterday - i realise this is probably weird - i BURST into tears for ages like hot tears bc i just suddenly was overwhelmed#by oru's feelings rather than qifrey's. i was just in my orufrey mindscape as usual teehee and i just. oru wanted qifrey to be able to look#at him so much suddenly. and realised that can't ever happen again. i could literally cry a lot again now. i wrote oru trying so hard#to focus on the good qifrey can still have from living and i felt bad and HE felt bad in that moment for being SO sad about it#but until then i/he hadn't processed the truly painful parts of disability that you can't deny. sometimes it hurts so bad and it's unfair#the thing is i do feel that shirahama is leading up to this. disability is so central to witch hat and as for qifrey's narrative...#mm. i can't really believe the powerful and desperate emotions orufrey give me lol anyyyyywwaaayyyyy read my fic haha#i want more ppl to read it and tell me they enjoyed it..but you can't beg for such a thing. no matter what orufrey is..god they are so much#i am so glad from the bottom of my heart that i encountered this manga.#the first drawing is meant to express the feeling of pain coming from one place in your body. and feeling like a conduit#*oru voice* You are a human being.
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i got that kind of mentally ill swag where everyone in my life knows that i need to be medicated except my therapist ✌️💕🌎
#literally reconnected with a friend from high school and she was talking about her struggle to get adhd meds#and i was like 'oh yeah glad to not have to deal with that anymore'#and her reaction was literally just: 'you're not medicated?? 😨'#like girl.......#but then i go into therapy and cry for an hour straight about how i can't imagine continuing live with my current level of anxiety#and my therapist is like 'what about the same meditation technique i've suggested five times now ✨ i bet that would fix you'#and also my therapist being like#'of course when we get this overwhelmed we want to turn to things that dissociate us from the feeling. like addictions.'#me a bitch who they know has both addiction issues and a whole disorder characterized by dissociation: 😶#that's right boys it's MY turn to vent overly personal stuff on tumblr dot com#read my vent post boy#i'm just. frustrated and tired. and very very tired also.#and did i mention tired#figs sillies#vent post
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anyone else up trying not to think too hard about the future or is it just me haha
#friday chats#there's just so many THINGS y'all#why the fuck is college so expensive. why the fuck is the college i want to go to so much MORE expensive#will the scholarships i applied to email me back? so far the answer is no#and i'm worried that NONE of the scholarships i have applied to/am currently applying to will do so#and then i'll have to go with my second choice and i really don't wanna go there bc it's where my parents want me to go#and it's all so much to think about. on top of my current schoolwork no less#not to mention i'll have to get used to living on my own and being far away from my friends and that's a WHOLE 'nother thing#and i just wanna lay facedown on the floor and cry a bit about it yknow?#i know some of you are out of college/currently in college how did/do y'all manage#genuine question btw please help#i am very overwhelmed
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ok soim gonna ramble about the wedding in the tags cos this is my diary lol kitty dont read this (she's not been on tumblr in ages it should b fine pfft)
#personal#ok so first of all it was a very overwhelming but amazing day!#the food was INCREDIBLE lol i honestly want the recipe for the chickpea fritters (that were covered in sesame seeds) like asap lol#sad i never got to have an italian pizza#(partly cos i was mainly w/ my mum who cant eat too much wheat rip...)#the venue was also amazing! there were all these animals (it's like a sanctuary thing?)#it was a shame it was cloudy and rainy that day but it wasnt too bad lol#(like look im english i'm used to it being rainy and cloudy 90% of the time pfft)#the actual vows ceremony part was honestly a highlight#i cried lol (it was a mixture of things... i was tired and overwhelmed... also i love my sister a lot ofc lol)#(also didnt help my mum was bawling her eyes out next to me pfft)#(also wasnt the only one cos when we went to say goodbye all my other sister's were crying too pfft...)#her husband's family were a Lot but all super lovely!#what was really funny is that they sat us on tables w/ a mixture of italian and english guests#and on both our table and one of the others everyone was bonding by showing each other pictures of their pets pfft#(mainly cats lol)#the dj wasnt that great pfft (yes i was mainly annoyed that there was no kpop cos i think my sis said she wanted to include some...)#i did get up and dance v awkwardly (mainly forced to by one of his sisters pfft) but it was fun lol#ohh and her dress(es) were seriously stunning!#the one for the main ceremony was like a classic victorian(?) sorta style#with an amazinggg 30s style veil!#her evening dress was shorter and she'd sewn the flowers we'd all been helping make for her on it#and it was honestly just so gorgeous#(i might try posting some of pics of it if i can?)#she also made her husband's waistcoat which matched the colours in her dress :')#struggling writing this rn cos i have a very needy cat trying to demand attentino lol#(we picked them up from the cattery today and i think they had a p tough time :(((( i missed them so much honestly)#anyway so the not so great things were the photographers (which ?? there were two ??? why ??)#they were really invasive and annoying lol#half my family couldnt even see my sis get married cos they were in the way ugh
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Wow this sucks
#I’m literally gonna cry wtf#I’ve been trying to get back into writing so I was going through some old journals and reading the poems I wrote back in 2015#and I left my favorite pages sitting on top of my notebook on my bed and my family’s dog came in while I wasn’t looking and destroyed it all#like they’re completely gone#some of the few pieces of writing from my teenage years that I’m actually proud of and wanted to revisit and it’s completely destroyed#I’ve found 2 scraps and they’ve got about 4 words in total#this was multiple pages full of writing#this is so discouraging I don’t even want to write anything now#like I started taking an online poetry workshop last week trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and maybe possibly move in the#direction of trying to get some of my poems put out there#and I’ve been in a huge writing slump for the last like year#and I was hoping this might get me out of it but now I don’t have any motivation to do it#I just wanna cry#I can’t go back to being a teenager again I can’t rewrite the way I felt back then#and now it’s really gone forever#I’m so sick and im working 3 jobs and I just want to be creative again but I’m tired#and I’m about to get hit by this giant hurricane#I’m really overwhelmed I think this was just the straw that broke the camels back#brb gonna go cry myself to sleep over lost poetry#sorry this is me venting feel free to ignore this#vent post#will probably delete after I’ve gotten more than 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep
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lol when you finally realize that the reason you attach to vampires so easily is because of the inherent loneliness that comes with being an only child and these beings are typically a perfect embodiment of that loneliness. like i can't explain to you guys how lonely i was as a child and how lonely i know i'll be as an elder when my parents and family are gone. how isolating it is. how desperate you are to find someone to be with and spend time with even if it's doing nothing. and how much it hurts to find a really great group of people (like my coworkers a few years ago) or a person only to experience them slowly fading away until you're alone again in your house working remotely. even just characters i gravitate towards if i put memeing aside, they are typically all wrestling with the same thing and i just--
'there is one thing about being a vampire that i must fear above all else. . . and that is loneliness stretching out for decades at a time.'
#hi lestat's dialogue centering around loneliness has me crying in the club again#the amount of times i'll lay in bed and just get this overwhelming feeling of loneliness#remembering fun i had with my old coworkers in the city#or being in college with my friends#and it just sort of hits you that those times are gone and you're left alone#and you just start crying#not because you're always lonely now#of course my husband is here and i spend time with my family#but like. . .#the times in between?#'and then i was alone. . . i cried. . . i called to god. . . i didn't want this.'#anyways HI I DON'T MEAN TO BE SAD OR ANYTHING#literally a tiktok got me bent out of shape#you can all try but you'll never tear lonely characters like lestat or serana or anyone else from MY COLD DEAD HANDS#. . ˚ . ooc .
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