#i went to the normal doctor. described my symptoms and that shit

[liar-remastered-2011]

i think the lady at the doctor's office today is a vampire

she took my blood........

[sykosomatic]

Tee hee hee can you write adam surviving the bathroom but hes really messed up and shit. Also I would not mind some hurt/comfort

(heavily heavily inspired by this post, so thank you op!!!)

‘adam survives the bathroom and is fucked up’ au for all my angst fans out there <3

i was gently flirting with the idea of a part 2, let me know if that’s something you’d want lol

⚠️ content warning!!!!! depression, anxiety, ptsd symptoms ⚠️

and if you were curious, this is the song i was listening to while i was writing lol:

blinds shuttered in a quick whoosh, plastic clacking against itself as adam’s heavy eyes fought to stay open just a few minutes longer. the sun had set; it was dark out, the sky turning a dark, heavy purple. he stared at the blinds for a second, blinking slow and heavy. his little flip phone buzzed on his bed, another phone call missed. they’d leave another voicemail.

adam checked, double checked, triple checked his locks; his closet, his bathtub, under his bed. he sank slowly onto his bed, arms folded so his hands white-knuckled his biceps. he shivered a bit, but it wasn’t cold in his apartment.

“i wanna live! i wanna live!”

and he had. somehow he had clung to life long enough to get out of that damn bathroom, and what had it helped? what, did he think everything was just gonna go back to normal, now? now that he’d been through that?

adam couldn’t sleep. he hadn’t slept much since he’d gotten.. well, if you wanted to call it rescued. in truth he was on the fence about whether he should’ve died in that bathroom. the people who’d found him called it a miracle and adam had to say he agreed. cosmic injustice; a gift straight from god himself, whoever that was.

he sighed softly as he stood, rubbed his hands on his arms to keep himself from shivering. the doctor told him he had circulation issues now. because amanda — he’d learned that was her name after her and her weirdo ‘boss’ tried to recruit him.. after he ‘won’ — had strangled him with a plastic bag. she’d been sent to do a mercy killing maybe. and he’d survived. twice he’d survived that bathroom. why wasn’t he done yet?

adam had a collection of other maladies courtesy of john kramer — jigsaw.

his grip strength in his right arm was a little.. wonky. it felt like what people described carpal tunnel to be, tight muscles and a weak grip, pain when trying to hold something tightly. he’d been scrubbing a plate the other day and found out that he probably shouldn’t do that.

he didn’t think it was a huge problem but — he’d gotten odd looks from his friends when he spoke.

they said he was… different. and well.. duh, he was different. you don’t go through prisoner of war type torture and come out the other side shiny and clean.

he didn’t like the way they said it though. he hadn’t talked to them in a long time because of it. well that and the fact that he spent most of his time sitting in his bed and staring at the wall. thinking. he’d never spent that much time thinking before.

he went to the bathroom— his bathroom— catching his reflection in the mirror and seeing streaks of tears down his cheeks. he hadn’t realized he’d been crying. he’d been having days like that — most days were like that. he used the heels of his hands and rubbed stars into his eyelids, trying not to see lawrence’s foot out of the corner of his eyes.

lawrence; he hadn’t thought about that name in at least a day. a new record. the only other person who knew exactly what he’d gone through, and he hadn’t bothered to reach out. yet. maybe he was going through the same things (or at least similar things) as adam was. adam himself hadn’t spoken a word out loud in a very long time. not since the last time a friend had come to check on him. was that last week? he didn’t know, couldn’t remember. he sighed, started stripping down out of his clothes. cold showers and nightmares were the only things that kept him awake.

he couldn’t help but think about lawrence in the shower, while he washed himself with one arm as the other sort of hung there idly by his side. he wondered what sorts of things lawrence had to do now, now that he’d cut off his own foot.

on the surface adam looked unchanged, save for the gaunt look in his eyes and sunken cheeks, his already slender frame astonishingly leaner with stress. he maybe looked like a drug addict, he thought, but drugs were one thing he hadn’t sunk to yet. he figured he’d have to leave the apartment for that and he really didn’t want to. not just yet.

adam finished his sad little shower, drying off and stepping back into his apartment. it was cooler now, he thought, surely it wasn’t just him being unreasonably cold all the time.

he suddenly remembered he’d left his window open when he’d shut the blinds, and he could feel his heart about to explode as he rushed over to shut it. he could feel his vision start to blur and his head spin, the edges of his sight turning dark as he fought the urge to panic. he slammed the window shut; it creaked as he clicked the locks shut.

his chest heaved as he sat down on his bed, half-naked, grabbing the knife he kept under his pillow. he brandished it out into the dark as he stood and re-checked everything three more times. he didn’t find anything. how could he have forgotten to shut the window?

adam dropped the knife on his bed suddenly as if it was burning him; for a second it looked like a bloody hacksaw by the streetlight coming through the slats in his blinds.

he collapsed in shuddering sobs quite suddenly, bringing his knees up to his chest. his face pressed against his knees, he let himself cry for a bit. when his body couldn’t take it anymore, he looked up, caught his phone buzzing again.

missed calls from friends, a few texts from them as well. checking in half-heartedly. he could tell they were getting tired of him being.. the way he was. well he figured he wasn’t changing back anytime soon. not unless they could erase his memory for him or fix what that bathroom had broken in him.

and then he saw it — an unknown number messaging him. he picked up the phone and looked at it, his eyes savoring the shape of the letters, taking them in and digesting them, holding them close to him, letting him just live in them for a moment.

‘adam? it’s lawrence. do you have a moment to talk?’

adam felt his lips curve up into the closest thing they’d gotten to a smile in a long long time. if anyone was able to help talk him off the edge it had to be someone who went through the same thing as him. right?

[samkerrworshipper]

Oh sweetheart I’m afraid you ate with that fic.

“You’re in pain, your uterus feels like it’s got knives embedded along the lining of it, like there are needles poking in and out of your back and gunshots being fired across your lower abdomen.”

I’ve never heard anyone describe a period so accurately in my life. I hate it when I get cramps in my stomach and in my back cause literally no position feel comfortable. This just puts it into words.

Also on another note, I share a lot of symptoms with R in the fic (not self diagnosing or anything), but I was wondering if I could hear more about your endometriosis experience? Like when exactly did u find out? And also how do you get doctors to take you seriously cause I’ve literally fainted from the pain before and they only gave me Panadol

okay just found this in my asks so sorry if this response is super late!

i was told i could potentially have endo when i was about 16 from one of my gymnastics doctors. long story short i was stubborn af and thought that endo was pretty normal and just something that you kind of had to live with.

I got injured when i was 17-18 and had a big perspective change on life and started to get my shit together more, so I talked more to my team doctor, got a referral for a gynaecologist specific to sports and from there went through the process of getting diagnosed. I was very fortunate that from the beginning I had people who were in my corner and wanted the best for me!!

[crimsun-n-clover]

why are medical professionals all professional cunts

went to the cardiologist today for my probable POTS and was so close to just MAULING these bastards

first nurse was alright. respected my autism (bare fucking minimum) and warned me before doing things. immediately made a bad impression though because she walks in and goes “i’m gonna have to ask you to take your headphones off and be in the moment with me” and i said “too autistic for that” and she was cool with it. as if that fucking matters? even people who are just prone to anxiety shouldn’t be questioned for their sensory aids. it’s not about disrespect, but now it sure fuckin is. i don’t need to “be in the moment” with you. i’m listening. neither of us want to be here so don’t pull that shit and make it worse.

she leaves and in comes a new enemy

she’s this scrawny, balding west asian woman. she keeps doubting me and asking me to describe basic symptoms in ridiculous ways as if they don’t happen constantly daily. she kept insisting that i took lexapro as a beta blocker when i took it for depression. we had holter monitor test results and she says “whatever that is” girl. you are a nurse practitioner working under a cardiologist. i’m gonna fucking kill you. i’d react like a normal person to her incessant bullshit and she’s raise her voice and cut me off and talk down to me like i’m fucking crazy. i tell her that my therapist and psychiatrist think it’s POTS and my primary care doctor is a piece of shit who thinks i’m faking everything so he doesn’t count. and she goes “well they’re not doctors are they” in the bitchiest tone. NO? THATS WHY IM HERE. quit doubting me you rabid cunt.

if i weren’t me and heard someone describing my symptoms i’d be like “holy shit you’re dying” but nooo

third one comes in and he’s the actual cardiologist. the second bitch stands behind him guarding the door. it looked like a little kid calling for backup. anyway. this guy sucked significantly less but felt the need to describe that anxiety is normal and that ohhh it could be your thyroid or anemia

next person who says “thyroid” dies by my blade

i have blood labs that say all that shit is fine and i’ve been dealing with this for FIVE YEARS and now it’s getting bad enough that i’m collapsing. this isn’t my fucking thyroid. you’d think after FIVE YEARS of treatment and solutions and therapies and even a FUCKING WITCH DOCTOR someone would’ve figured out something was up with my thyroid. and they did and it’s FIXED NOW.

anyway. i now have a heart monitor strapped to my chest for the next month and i’m seeing the cunts again in six weeks. it’s not waterproof, just water resistant. i have to carry around a bigass android phone that’s connected to it to report when i feel symptoms. i can’t turn the brightness down.

because of the heart monitor i’m gonna have to stop doing at least half of my heathen shit.

they’re getting live reports and flags of cardiac activity so. i’d assume no sex, no caffeine (or at least not the 300 milligram miracle cure i usually take), nothing thrilling, whatever. just kill me at this point. that’s all i care about. who am i if i’m not high, getting off, or stealing shit??

just strap me to that fuckin tilt table and get the torture out of the way so i can rip this fuckin thing off of me ffs

[quirkypossum]

personal life shit ahead btw

gonna talk about some personal life bullshit under the cut so if you're not interested in my life drama or potentially triggering shit then I'd scroll past. Content warning for talking about disturbing/self-destructive thoughts, chronic pain and illness, and trans stuff..

well, I'm at the point where I am second-guessing myself again. my mom and her husband actually think I'm a hypochondriac and I didn't help my own thought spiral by watching a bunch of videos on people who supposedly made up their own chronic illnesses for crime or other reasons...

like i genuinely think there has been stuff going on with me for years now, but because i never brought some of it up to doctors at the time they tend to not believe its that serious.. Half the time they blame my symptoms on my weight (something that has changed very little over the last five years not including getting the tits chopped earlier this year) or they will blame it on my diet (another thing that has if anything gotten healthier over the last five years as I've explored more veggies and fruits).

Most recently, I went in after doing a bunch of research on POTS and hypermobility without really saying anything specific, keeping the most specific description at general hypermobility while describing my joints and pain and other problems. Well, the outcome I thought was going to be better because normally they dismiss it and don't do anything but this time it seemed different because my doctor actually ordered new blood tests that I haven't had before to rule out things like arthritis and lupus and stuff. The problem was that she said she would follow up and never did and its been like a month now since then and still nothing. Based on the ranges they show with the tests I'm within range for everything pretty much so part of me wonders if that's why she never reached out to confirm the results or what, but I am planning on sending her a message to ask what the next step is.

I know it's not smart to self-diagnose and do a ton of research into symptoms because you could be wildly off but given the fact that the doctors I keep getting just dismiss everything as normal without really doing anything to check most of the time I just can't forget about it and move on. I shouldn't be dealing with all the health problems that I am at the age that I am. Older adults always say stuff like "wait til you're older, then you'll really know pain" and it makes me so disheartened for my future if I'm already overwhelmed by it all rn. Like I really am at a "whats the fucking point?" type of mental state because of all this.

I feel like no one in my life really believes that the issues I have a real and everyone just thinks i make it all up because I complain a lot. Part of me wonders if I am faking it all and I'm just so delusional that i don't know I'm faking it. It's the same kinds of thoughts I have about being trans sometimes or about money. I've been really trying to avoid self harming lately because of all this shit.... Its so weird cause I'll have a great awesome day where I got all the shit done I needed to do, did something fun, socialized, showered, ate, all of it and at the end of it all I feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet... Like everything I said and did was wrong and of course my doctors don't believe me Im just making it up, of course my brother said no to sitting outside with me, I'm being annoying as usual. idk....

I have so many wishes for my life and my loved ones' lives and my mom always says that obnoxious response of "you wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up faster" to try and bring me back to reality and make me feel better I guess but obviously it never works. it just makes me feel worse about it like I shouldn't even complain in the first place. I really do wish things were different.

I wish I wasn't in pain every day, I wish I didn't have stomach problems every day, I wish I didn't feel like I might pass out every day, I wish my anxiety was the normal amount and not the terrifying heart palpitations I get every day, I wish I had enough money that these health problems wouldn't worry me so much, I wish my mom didn't have to work her soul-crushing job just to keep a roof over our family's heads, I wish that things were different....

If you read through all of this I applaud you and hope you can't relate to any of it.

[squarebracket-trickster]

Omg you are describing me too!!!

I actually did not realize I was hypermobile until I was in my teens. As a kid I had a theory that my knees were a little weird because the other kids' legs did not look like *that* when they were standing, but maybe they were all just bending their knees slightly and I missed the memo?

And every kid can w-sit and sit in lotus position and touch their heels to their belly-button, right?

Besides, I couldn't even touch my hands to the floor. How could I possibly be hypermobile? I was like the least flexible child I knew! I had friends that could do the splits!

One time another girl in my grade 6 class back-bent her elbows as a party trick and I was like, "haha cool trick! wish I could do that!"

I only started to realize something might be amiss when I was in my teens. One time after martial arts a few of us students were talking about a wrist lock we do during warm up. One of the senior students was demonstrating it and I realized her fingers did not bend back more than 90 degrees so I asked her why she was clenching her fingers and if we were supposed to do that. And she looked at me like ????? Then we all started comparing how far back our fingers could bend and that is when I discovered I was not normal.

Only after that did I realize I could, in fact, back-bend my elbows and I should probably stop doing that when I do push ups...

When I was 15 I had a naturopath tell me "you have a unusually long history of weird, unexplained health issues including fatigue, GI issues, terrible circulation, and random joint complaints... maybe you should google this thing called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and see if any of the types seem like you."

So I googled them, went through the symptoms of each of the 13 types, and went "holy shit! this all sounds so serious! none of this is me! ...well, maybe type-III could be me? but like, only if you apply the diagnostic criteria really, really loosely." So I told my naturopath I was fairly certain I did not have EDS and it never came up again.

Until I was in my twenties and my chronic fatigue got so bad I was like, "okay, think. are there any other weird things about my body that might be symptoms of something?" I revisited the EDS-III (now hEDS) criteria, decided it still wasn't me, but I did stumble onto some stuff about BHS/JHS/HSD and I was like "oh... oh. This is me."

So I went to my doctor, sat down in his office, twisted in my seat and cracked my back in 13 places at once, then went, "I think I have either Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome or Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder".

And he, without missing a beat, went, "sounds like it."

And then I feel down the rabbit hole of researching my condition and well, suddenly, soooo many weird things from my childhood started to make sense. I'm still discovering new things all the time about my HSD. Apparently it's not normal for your joints to pinch and grind together when you unscrew a jar lid??? And apparently that one vein that's always been visible beneath my eye is an indication of the thin, translucent skin that sometimes shows up in hEDS (I don't have it nearly severe enough to be worried about vEDS though THANK GOD). Also, apparently I do, in fact, have heel papules. I genuinely did not think I did (answered no when my doctor and I reviewed the hEDS criteria together...) until a recent imposter syndrome-induced hyperfixation on the hEDS criteria had me actually google what they looked like and how to make them show up.

fun times...

But, I agree, bendy bodies are great for sports. Other students at my dojo like practicing with me because it forces them to work on their technique. You need to get the angles for locks and pins just right if you want any kind of control over my arms. Luckily I have never been injured due to my hypermobility in 11 years of Aikido but I have started practicing with compression braces on my wrists (and thumbs), ankles, and elbows, just to be safe.

Writeblr Re-Intro

Yo! I'm V Saintsin. Or V or Vin or Saintsin or whatever you want to call me that sounds right on your tongue. I'm a self-proclaimed Social Media fumbler who got a late start to the party and has never quite figured it out. I hate how hipster and edgy it sounds to say "I'm bad at social media" but like I used to work with some people who actually managed the social media accounts for the business we worked for and there were rules and whatnot and damn, I think online media is just not my medium. That being said, here I am! Hah

I'm an author and general mess who's hoping to be the miracle man (somebody who makes a living writing silly little stories). I do use a pseudonym but please hear me out when I say I didn't realize how edgy it sounds, it just has some sentimental value to my personal life. I'm so sorry that I sound like I'm in my emo phase HAHA

About me -

He/Him Transguy from the American Midwest (arguably the south, depending on who you talk to, but the older people still say "Sodi-pop" and "ope").

I'm dysautonomic, bendy, permanently sleepy, and a survivor of Crappy Doctors Who Suck At Doctoring.

I like DnD, Pathfinder, Baldur's Gate 3, Cyberpunk, Dragon Age, and other things in that vein.

I do make art of my stories and characters (Tablet is currently not working so I'm in a dry spell).

My writing background is predominantly ancient, dusty RPs from as far back as the foopets days and fanfic writing on Quizilla - I am an old and wizened elder of the net.

My formal education was music performance and behavioral neuroscience, I don't really know how I got where I am.

This is not my first rodeo with tumblr but it is the first time I have anything to SAY instead of just lurking.

In the event of malfunction, you can put me outside for 5 minutes and I'll probably factory reset.

My existence as I know it hinges on a massive number of sticky notes plastered throughout my room.

What I'm lookin' for -

Idk, whatever? I'm down for most things. Did you write it? Cool, let me see. I'm not too bent on genre or anything, just fascinated by the art of storytelling.

A bit tentative with fanfiction but that's just because if it's not a fandom I'm familiar with I am rather clueless about what the hell is going on and if it's a fandom I am familiar with I HUNT DOWN THE DEEP LORE.

I like art a whole lot, including fanart. Also art advice, love seeing things from different perspectives and learning something new.

Mutuals, really, for any reason. Building better connections on here, getting to know people. I am hideously bad at this but I try.

What I write -

Science Fiction with heavy subjects that matter to me - trigger warnings on a story-by-story basis.

High Fantasy (eventually books I think?) characters and their backgrounds for DnD and Pathfinder - I have been tempted to share these to help people get ideas or just for free use?

Things that I delete because I have crippling imposter syndrome and publishing makes me nauseous (doin' it tho).

Stories that I hope will make people feel less alone or that people could relate to, stories that I wish I had when life was worse and I was reaching out for anything I could find to keep me afloat, stories that try to be critical of things that SUCK in a way that's any helpful.

Lots of curse words and cussing (that's just how people talk 'round here), dubious science, things that I hope might make you cry but in a good way though.

Character-Driven stories that revolve more around the development of the person and less around the plot itself if that makes sense.

I've put blurb things below for my primary project/series which features a grumpy, queer, 37-year old chain smoking Frenchman and his misadventures with life and love and unbridled rage. If any of that sounds cool stick around and hang out? (This part is a plug bc I did a thing and I'm proud of it) And if my books sounds interesting the first one is 99 cents on Kindle and you just need a phone and a free app to read it!

THE SECRET OF LIFE (Published) - Sci-Fi/Psychological Thriller, Bi M Lead, Lovers to Enemies, AI but the oldschool cool kind not the real world thing that's stealing our future

Carlisle-Trystan Antoinette is a mercenary on a hard road, navigating life and death itself in an infinite cycle started by powers above his understanding. He has one mission - warn The Dianican Space Station of the coming threat and put a stop to a war that would encapsulate the whole of the Sol System before it can ever begin. Unfortunately for Carlisle, reality is a tenuous thing, made up only by our understanding of it. At least, according to his Psychiatrist, who tells him that there is no war, that he was never a mercenary, and that what Carlisle is experiencing is a severe but manageable psychotic break. Stripped of his combat enhancements, his bio monitor, and everything he's every known, Carlisle has a decision to make. Does he give in to the thoughts and memories, so real that he can almost taste them, or does he live a life of comfort and ease, returning to a husband and daughter that he left behind?

TWs: Domestic and War Violence, suicide, rape, medical trauma, grief, drug use

THE SILENCE OF ANGELS (Due July '24, TSoL 2) - Betrayal and Rage, Learning how to love again slow-burn romantic subplot, Learning how to Dad, A general inability for any one thing to just go right

(Quick Rough Blurb that offers no spoilers for TSoL) Making connections isn't easy for somebody who's accustomed to burning bridges. Isolation has always been Carlisle's mantra for surviving his life. Playing a role comes second nature, pretending to be the man that everyone else wants to see in him. When an old friend is murdered Carlisle finds himself as the primary suspect with all evidence pointing to him so clearly that even he calls to question what he is capable of. Unwilling to believe that he could commit such a heinous crime, Carlisle sets off to find the truth of his friend's death - was Carlisle framed or does he truly have the capacity to bring such harm upon those he loves? Old and new bonds will be tested, faith broken, and the future of everyone called into question as lines are drawn and sides are picked.

TWs: Violence, mentions of SA, graphic character death, more grief, more death

I don't know what else to say... Later!

[zeyan]

self introspection post ignore me

thinking a lot lately about how my behaviors very very do not line up with the anxiety disorder everyones told me I have like. things like "oh nobody's actually going to make fun of you for just existing it's all in your head :)" don't help bc people LITERALLY made fun of me for existing bc I acted weird. I'm worried people don't like me because I can't tell when someone's being genuine, I see people who seem to be on good terms with eachother talk shit when their back is turned and my brain just can't tell the difference. strongly been thinking lately that I am ND in some way (maybe autisim?) but the only thing a diagnosis would do (if I could even get one as an afab adult) is give doctors another reason to not believe me when I go to the hospital for something. I made up a long list of things I think might be ND behaviors that I do in case I ever do get to see a therapist/psychiatrist again but I probably never will, and I wasted all the time I actually got with one talking about my stupid family problems instead of getting to talk about my actual issues. I've wanted to go again ever since getting a job bc it's given me a lot more insight on what might be wrong with me. like going to work and coming home crying after only being there for 4 hours because there were too many sounds that day is not normal. and being told that it's just anxiety didn't help bc my brain just went oh this is probably one of those panic attacks you're supposed to have :) and ppl are like “oh don't assume you have something bc you share 1 or 2 symptoms” but that was enough for them to just slap the anxiety label on me and give me medications that either didn't work or actively made me worse. a lot of my issues WAY more strongly align with ND things than with an anxiety disorder. like yeah I talk quiet sometimes but I also talk REALLY loud at other times, I can't control my volume both ways. I don't like chatting with strangers but it's not bc I'm afraid of them it's bc I don't know how to have a conversation. I was afraid to go to the airport by myself but when my friends gave me clear step by step instructions on what to do once I got there it was FINE like having a list of what to do so I don't "mess up" fixed the problem and made it easy. also just like. with the way I acted as a kid before I learned to shut up and be quiet makes me wonder why none of my teachers ever told my mom to get me tested for something. there's a lot of other things on the list between my food texture issues/ not liking to be hugged or touched but it's difficult for me to describe in detail. I guess I just wish I didn't have to fight to know what's wrong with me. and i wish the result didn't have consequences so i could just know :[

[goddessjynx]

Any parent please answer?

Idk if anyone will see this, but right now I need just anyone to tell me I'm not crazy.

Am I a bad friend for wanting to hang out with my ex-bestie (eb for short) while she has her kids or she's busy and can't hang, so I offer to come over, to help watch, to help clean? Anything just to be there for her, why? Oh because she was on her third child, at this time I literally went over to her house to play dnd with her husband and brother and her sometimes. So I would try and say "hi" or talk, but instead we stayed doing something else or barely said hi. Ok, fine, hormones, got it. It got to the point of she wouldn't want to hang out with me for reasons she stopped telling me decent sounding excuses. Fine, That's fine, I have other friends who I can hang with or find other things to stay inside and not get out of the house to do. I don't need to leave the house, to get away from the suffocating inside the house with a mentally and verbally abusive, controlling husband. That's. Just. Fine.

So you know, time goes on. we find out that the reason she won't hang out with me, but will hang out with the other girl who she hates (Mind you the other chick literally broke into their house, tried to start drama all the time, and be hazardous to her already two children But who am I to judge about the person you rant to me about how you hate them so much?) But the other chick was also pregnant after divorcing her wife. It's honestly such a mess. So "anyways, I get excluded now because I "Don't understand what she's going through" or "I won't have the same experience" or I'm "not a good source of help" Lol, Okay? I still can't help? Be happy for you? Cool. So things go on, and just things have gotten worse on my end. I'm over here with such a mind debilitating baby fever, that I'm having to pull my car over watching children get off the school bus because I'm in such a crying fit that I can't breathe or see straight. So who the hell would I go to about what do I do? My Bestie right? (There's a reason we are eb rn) I tell her, well try, Idk how much she actually listened. But I tell her how I just can't think about anything else right now. I did everything right, and the world keeps slapping me back.

I own a 4 bedroom house. we have two cars, we even have decently everything working out in our favor, But all of a sudden, I'm not good enough for anyone. My own husband two months after getting married said he hasn't found me attractive for the last two years. THAnks. That's a real boost. This didn't start the fights, but that's a whole other set of rants. about a year before my eb got pregnant, around or right before July 4th, I strictly remember, I was in the walmart fucking bathroom. I had felt so sick the weeks beforehand. Like, My menstrual cycle hates me. She's savage af. Not to mention she likes to disappear randomly and appear with just cramps or a whole flood. I never know. But I remember calling my husband in a panic because I don't know what to do while I had to go to the bathroom so bad it hurt, and all I have is half dollar sized clots. Just something my medical brain, and senior year of AP biology says, "Fuck!" I have him figure something out because I'm really needing someone to just hold me in the bathroom I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm dizzy and all these symptoms I tell him to tell the doctor or whoever he calls.. So he calls, they say whatever to him. I don't either remember or he never told me what they said, (this is a normal of hiding information from me, A LOT) They said (What he told me) to just wipe things up and clean up then if it persists in the next 24 hours to go into the hospital. But I will have to see an ob-gyn.

So, Okay. Nothing bad. but they are in charge of everything along those lines. But those were including two words, that I now know were the two words this man didn't want to hear despite, DESPITE all the teasing and jokes about having kids with me when I was younger with him and literally just dating. That was because I had to see a family planning doctor. I was told by HIM that it was nothing, and we will be fine. I just blamed it on my cramps that are horrible and never put thought to it because I had believed that's what he was told. So that's a trauma my brain locked away until recently as I'm going through my divorce right now. But, I was thinking about how shortly after that, I got a call from my eb about how they were all waiting on me because I'm making us late for bringing stuff to the grill out and bonfire later. Fine, mask all the pain and keep fucking going. right?

She seemed genuinely not worried, saying it was probably just a bad cycle. She gets them all the time too. Its whatever. My now bestie's sister has gone through the same thing I described multiple times, enough that she looked at me and was like, "No, You possibly miscarried." even her mom went on about, "they should've never NEVER brushed that off like they did. If they cared then they would've made sure you were ok. My husband denied me from going to the doctor to see anything about it. Even after when I knew my hormones and emotions were just soooo off. But that's in my mind now, when before maybe around the same time my eb came out saying to all of us even her own husband one time saying she's been feeling crummy because she went in and she found out she had miscarried. It was so short after my stuff that she disregarded then took and made attention for herself that upset her own husband because she never told him until she told a bunch of us at a bar. I mean I felt bad for her, but Now thinking back, my gut says it was a ploy to make her husband to feel bad for her and to try for another one. Where as I'm over here waiting patiently because I jumped through Hoops to get where I'm at now.

My husband promised me children. Lots, its a fucking dream to be a mum. I care for everyone else, and their kids, why not have some kind of mini me to show of what I did. That I did good. That I can be useful to this world too. That I'm not just a lump of no good nothing to this world. But first, he needed a better paying job than a gas station.

Did that, he worked at a metal parts production place. But we then gave the fact that we still live in the apartment I got after moving out from high school. We rented a house. It worked, and it was nice. But now he needs a car, but he cant do that until he learns how to drive. 3 years older than me and I taught him how to drive. AND I helped him buy his first car, a truck. Oh but now, we still can't start a family. We are only renting. I have enough good credit that I could get a house alone, but I needed a higher pay. Bam with his income together we got a house.

Bam, I'm hit with baby fever and what not. NOW I get told, we aren't ready for anything like that yet, so wait two years. Alright, I'll wait. I can do that. We were going to go on trips together and do many things together and all of a sudden, the walmart thing happened, and it just got worse from there. It got to a point I got a job paying BETTER than him and I was the laughing stock to him and his buddies. THANKS. But I'm fine, everything is fine. The walmart thing was about two years after, so I mean, it was actually in the time frame and whatnot. Things just kept going on getting worse at home, I just kept listening. For reasons, I had to quit my high paying job, and then everything got absolutely horrible at home. Had to put everything I had control over money wise into his account for he worried it would take too long to find an new job and make money to suffice for bills. It was argument after argument, but I went to my eb explaining things, asking what the hell do I do? Her advice? To just do what he wants. The thing I had to quit about? She basically never cared about it. Everything just went on being a mess. I went on just letting people walk over me because that was the advice I was given.

I voiced my feelings that I have been following lies and how I feel hurt that I'm told dreams and having them be taken away. We never went on trips much. Instead we would buy a crap ton of ammo or new guns that I'm not allowed to use, yet I'm helping fund so you can get them, but when it was my own that I BOUGHT, all of a sudden, my things went missing and he would be out using and letting his buddies use my new guns and using up the ammo I had purchased on my own. I mean, fine, but let me at LEAST take yours out if you're going to use mine without asking. It got to be so annoying that we would be asked when we would get married or when we would have kids. He would be hugging me and smiling all cocky saying "Oh well we haven't stopped trying." every time. He would start that tell people this and I finally had enough. I stopped him and told him to put his money where his mouth was. He always said shit but never actually did it or acted on what he said. He would just lie to everyone. Tell people lies because it sounded nice. Best part? I had bought a ring for him. I proposed to him because he would joke about things like that. So I basically said, "bet" and did it. I have never received a damn ring! He wouldn't even want to look at them with me. Because they were expensive. Not all of them are. I don't care what price it is, but something to say, "Hey, I love you and Don't want the odd peeps at the bar to keep hitting on you so take this with you, its dangerous out there." (Shut up. I'm a nerd) But like.... I just would make notions about, I wanted a ring. He would beg me to pool together money and buy new guns, I mean I"m not against, but I would bring up that I will want a ring. Or even something else would be you know, amazing right now because I'm in a lost place wanting kids still and my eb just announced they were having their third. (which her own family was so upset about it that they ranted to me and my mom, her own brother said that its just another kid that they will end up taking care of instead of her so she can go to the bars again. Yep) So next we talked about getting a gun safe because, before we can have kids, we need to be SAFE. Ight, we bought it. Nice matte black 33 capacity, fire and water proof, best part the front had a reallly pretty engraved waving American flag imprinted on it. It was just so smooth. (Guess who has that right now btw) So oddly enough in the middle of me not being enough for my eb, My cycle kind of returned to being semi regular, and all of a sudden disappeared. Well that whole month beforehand we went from never wanting to touch me unless it was my birthday to every night he was angry after work and took it out on me instead. I mean, whatever. But when it came to me not feeling well, I told him.

Instantly it wasn't mine. I was fooling with other guys. Like instant psycho. His childhood friend came and moved up with us, she saw this for a good few months and had to move out because he was trying to control her as if she were a child. She told me that it was not right for him to be that way and that she will never talk to him for how he treated her. (which was exactly how he was always with me too) I'm not sure if he was trying to get my jealous because his bff was a girl? Idk we worked out like literally sisters. Sooo much in common and she told me, She believes he's never wanted kids. And she watched how I broke down after he told me he wanted nothing to do with me until I took a test. He DEMANDED that I took a test right away. If it was positive, it wasn't his until proven so. And if it was negative he would be fine. this was ridiculous. He wasn't at all happy or excited. Purely upset. I felt so shitty that after the test was negative I told him and he threatened about it happening again he was leaving back to Kansas. He threatened this every damn fight, it got to the point that I gave up, I said leave then. And instantly he shut up. I got him out of gangs, crime, jail, living on the street or with his mum, and being a maaajor drug addict. Yet I'M THE BAD PERSON.

Back to recently when my eb is getting closer to having her kid, I just go through finding out I'm not and my husband is freaking out at me, nonstop yelling at me that I'm not good enough and all this shit. Yes, lil ol me trying to keep the peace in the house is a cunt and a whore. Wow. Name calling, but hitting where it hurts? I told him before, how my mother in an argument said I would be a horrible mother. And that shit sticks. IT STICKS. So what does the smart ass pull out? He repeats it. He says he's glad I'm not pregnant because I'd be a horrible mother in the end.

That. That just kills a person. That kills dreams and the feeling of wanting to keep living. Who the FUCK says that to their partner? Am I wrong for thinking that's not right? Well my eb thought I was. I told her my feelings. How I don't want to be jealous of her, but I am. That she's more beautiful, she's always had guys hitting on her in school inviting her to do things and hang out, I was the nerd in whatever class that got invited only if it was mandatory. She will be having three kids and a loving husband that can never take his hands or eyes from her, where as I have to act like a clown to get my husband to look up from his damn phone. To say something nice. To

be acknowledged while in the house. I've left and came back the next morning because I hung out at my now besties house. He didn't say a word until I came home the next morning and he looked at me like "when the fuck did you leave" No care, no love. I was stuck being a burden. Anything I ever did around the house was in vain. Everything I helped with I got shoved away because I didn't do it right. EVERYTHING I did was not good enough. I would tell him this that is how I felt and he would deny it. One day, I caught him yelling at me saying that what I did wasn't ever good enough. Calle him out right away. Bitch... He tried to change the wording to go around what he said. I HEARD IT. it was so bad I had to have my bestie on the phone to listen to how he talked to me behind closed doors. Away from public view. HER MOM HEARD IT. Thought she was watching some kind of dramatic show, until she realized it was me on the phone. She's listened to so many calls its unheard of. There was a day, I had enough of it. (Ok A lot actually) but I grabbed my laptop and my charger and left the house. I sat in the park drawing on my laptop. Texted every person I could think of that I cared so deeply for that they would care for me back. I was in a dark ass place asking for Advice. My eb shrugged off what my husband was doing and scolded me for leaving. For sitting in a park drawing out my feelings instead of being with him because he's being dramatic to her husband upset that I started an argument. I didn't understand what I started when it was over me telling him not to throw the controller when he loses a COD game because that's how it breaks. Why he threw it? Because I distracted him by playing with my cat while he was playing the damn game and made him lose! yep. Exactly that. So I was yelled at to quit. So I did. I went back to my drawing and then with my headphones on I was humming to my music. It distracted him and he lost. So I flipped out because I can't do anything in my own house without being scolded for it. So I stormed off to the bedroom to draw some more. I'm upstairs and away from him. Didn't want to eat now I'm stressed and upset. So I didn't cook anything and now he's hungry and upset at me for not making food yet. YES. That's how it started and I again was the bad person in the story for safely removing myself from an environment where all my mind was telling me to do was dark things that hurt to say. To give up on everything I have worked for and all my dreams.

That was the last time I spoke to her for a while because everything started to be only about baby and about doing this for baby. Doing that for baby. But then she would never answer me back. I was done trying to fit time to hang out. To do something, I made new friends who didn't have kids and hung out more with them. It got horrible. the sound of a child crying made my stomach hurt. I had non stop dreams of the same thing happening. It was just awful. I looked it up and it was just meaning I had something and lost it. Whatever is missing in the dream what what I had lost.

In this dream I was dressed in all black, lace and long dress covering every inch of skin on my body. I had a hat with a veil and I was rocking a bundle in my arms in an old decrepit room with peeling paint and broken toys. It was a nursery. An old ruined nursery. I was rocking just a black blanket swaddled with a hole that emptied to the void. It gives me chills, I get this dream so much that me explaining just makes my skin crawl and my body ache. It hurts to think of but I just cannot understand it. Makes sense now that I looked into it.

But me going through all of this, I can't talk to my husband about my feelings because I'm too needy and being selfish for not taking his feelings into an account. That he's not ready that we are not ready and that I'm not ready because I'm going to be a horrible mom. Cool.

I have tried so much. I couldn't be around kids. It made me so sick and I jus would have to find somewhere to hide and cry for hours. I would cry myself to sleep. Never getting comfort by him because I'm throwing a pity party. I was so hurt. Still am. I'm broken hearted. Thinking that if I had a kid, at least I would have something that needed me and would love the care I gave and would love me back. I wanted to feel loved for how much I put out in the world. I wanted to have something to ground me to this world before I did something stupid. I was in such a dark place that I drove an hour to go see my bestie because I was scared that I was going to do it. That I was going to be the big disappointment he told me I would always be. Three months later, baby is here and I go back to playing dnd with my friends and its at their house. My husband is rubbing it in my face. He's holding baby and talking to baby and doing all these things making my mind break. He asks if I want to hold her. If i if iififififi NO.

I can't I cannot. I'm trying to be respectful. I missed out on other games because I had to hype myself up. I procrastinated because I didn't know how I would be or if I could handle it. I got to the point that my eb's husband told me that he doesn't want me playing anymore because I sent a text trying to apologize to my now eb that I feel so bad but I can't see her right now since seeing her kids just sends me into a panic attack and I can't stop thinking horrible things. So she takes that as I have a problem with HER kids and not just the KIDS situation. Doesn't hear me out. blames me for everything and has me banned from coming over. in which her husband says he doesn't want me over anymore. Which my rebuttal is because she's telling him only. But he said it was his choice. I don't know don't care. It just hurt that THATS the reason I got kicked out. Not because I was good, but that I couldn't handle their kids. And I would not pay attention by drawing the whole time. I was distracting myself because I'm trying to drown out the noises of cooing making my gut rot and my mouth dry. So by all means I'm selfish for wanting a dream that I was being promised for the last 6 years of physically being with my soon to be ex. I've know for actually 12 years. And that I drove 15 hours to bring you to me since you couldn't drive.

So I need to know from real parents, was I out of line for telling my eb that I had feelings and that them not being heard or just cast to the side hurt? Am I crazy for feeling that I've been robbed? For being upset when my husband comes home drunk and abuses me? For being hurt when I'm called all sorts of names and told I'm worthless by the man I should trust the most? Please. I need to know.

I know I'm ranting, but I need to get it out. I need to find some sort of something to figure out why I'm feeling this way, or why I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm fighting for the divorce since i haven't been to my owned house in the last 5 months since he changed the locks on me. I moved an hour away from my home and my family and still to this day, I hurt to hear or watch children around me. I'm happy, but inside something aches and just feels empty. Not to mention that I got told by people that know me that he's been caught buying condoms. We are still technically married, and he can't be doing those things right now. Am I jealous? Upset? Hurt? All of the above? It just sucks and I'm drowning in debt a bit trying to work my ass off to get where I want in life again since all of everything has been ripped from me. I'm trying. Please let me know if I'm crazy or out of line? I want to be heard. I'm going to start to save up. I have a plan for my 27th birthday. If it doesn't work in time for my 28th birthday, I'm not sure what else I can do but join the 27 club.

[ii-zi]

Truthfully can't remember ever not being sick. Afaik I've been "sickly" since birth; this meaning I'd get sick a couple weeks right after getting "better" of the same thing, having multiple illnesses afflicting my body, being sick for months at a time, etc.

Literally just last year I was (and still am) continuously "sick" to the point of barely functioning for over 7 months. I was only "functioning" because I completely disregarded both my mental health and the toll it'd have on my body just so I don't "fall behind" on life lol. I wouldn't even know I actually got COVID if it wasn't for my family all getting sick too due to how the life altering symptoms are so similar to what I'd experience in a mildly bad day.

A couple months (?) ago I saw that post about the "pain index" for hospitals. I actually knew about it beforehand? But what i learnt sorta put it in perspective. It's like a 1-10 scale for when you go to ER (emergency room) and have to describe you pain to the doctors. Can't remember exactly how it went but it was something like "barely ever exist, not aware of it most of the time/doesn't affect" to "can't move bc of it can't think of anything else". The same post went on a tangent about how abled/not chronically ill people have a base index of 0. Which means that, in a un-injured, resting state, the pain they constantly experience is 0. 0. No pain inflicted as a secondary reaction to existing. It hit me somewhat hard, bc at first i thought "yeah that's normal", but quickly i realized it was not my personal experience: the fact that I can ("can") regularly function (i.e. force myself to) doesn't mean I don't experience it. At this point people just don't believe be bc I "can't possibly be in pain/going thru something all the time"

I don't remember ever not being in pain. I've had to, since the very first moment of my existence, make several extra efforts to function quasi-effectively in the same way others do on a regular basis. When normal people experience the symptoms I'd have in a good day, they'd usually call in sick: stop momentarily their busy lives to recover (and with good reason) not only due to how taxing it's for the body, but also because of how hard it is to simply function as a normal person under said conditions.

I know the "world isn't fair" and all that kinda stuff we're always told, but why do I have to perform up to a regular standard when I gotta start in such a disadvantaged position?

The most realistic outcome I could get out seeking a diagnosis would be debt because I'm also fucking poor a "minor" bothersome issue (ex. gastritis) and a "keep pushing" lol. The next best thing would be a "chronically ill but Fit to Work".

I've had to force myself, since the very beginning, to function minimally like the others, overstressing my mind, over abusing my already pained body. I'll never be "allowed" to perform on even terrain, but i am permanently expected to get not only similar, but excelling results so I can "prove" I'm still "worth it" because of all the same shit that makes it all so difficult.

Not only i want a fucking rest, but the permanent option of taking one whenever I fucking need it

[sunkensubtext]

This will be my last update on the covid situation. I'm alive and I'm finally recovering.

Breathing is still a little meh, but no more coughing until my face turns blue and no more oxygen levels in the 80s. I went up to 97% oxygen saturation today, briefly!

I'm still too dizzy and weak to move, but now that I'm a little stronger and I'm eating more, I'm able to hold conversations and sit up in bed, so I'm overjoyed.

I'm able to say, now, how horrific that was. I downplayed a LOT in my updates because I didn't want to put out bad vibes or worry anyone too much during the holidays, but I had an extremely, extremely severe case of covid. If I had gone to the hospital for a third time yesterday, there isn't a doubt in my mind I'd have been put on a ventilator, and I've been trying to avoid that at all costs.

This has been one of the scariest weeks of my life. The doctors have told me I legitimately almost died twice, at least. Even my therapist, hearing my symptoms and seeing me at my worst (very briefly before rescheduling) was stunned that I'm alive. If I hadn't waited up and called my primary care doctor the morning after my last discharge to beg for cough meds, he wouldn't have found the covid pneumonia that the hospital missed, and I would be dead.

I know everyone is saying this virus isn't too bad if you're vaccinated, but please remember guys that there are still outliers. I don't know why I was one of them, but I was, and if I wasn't vaccinated against this virus, I honestly believe I would be dead right now.

It's all too easy to rationalize going out in this shit until the worst happens--we have to get back to normal, I cant live cooped up like this, this is what the vaccines are for, it's just like a cold, etc. It's sucky staying home when everything seems to be opening up and going back to normal, and it's tempting to want to take off your masks when public places have signage saying they're not required for vaccinated people, but believe me. It's not fucking worth it. At ALL.

I had VERY minimal exposure and was still infected, and I went downhill FAST. Nothing is going to be able to prepare you for the abject horror of having a doctor look you in the face while you're showing every sign of being near death, and then having them say there isn't anything more they can do that you can't do at home. That the problem with this virus is that they can only try and manage the symptoms, and I'm at home doing just as good of a job as they can.

The feeling of helplessness that comes along with this is so unbelievably scary in a way that I'm having trouble describing even now. Imagine being on your actual deathbed and knowing it isn't worth it to go to the hospital, because all it'll do is make your breathing worse from moving around, and they'll send you home anyway because they need to save the beds for ventilator patients/people with other ailments. Covid isn't something to be fucked with, even the "less intense" omicron variant.

I know this little rant isn't going to change anyone's mind on anything because I know the reach of my posts and the people I interact with, and we're all on the same page pretty regularly. I guess I just needed to get it out just in case, because this is the first time in my life where my own death seemed like such a sure thing.

I had a point, even, where I passed out and got this overwhelming sense of calm and peace, and I hallucinated this beautiful green field with tiny little yellow and white flowers, and in a shady patch was the cutest little lamb. I wanted to sit down and rest so, so, so fucking bad, but as soon as I thought about it, panic seized up in my chest so badly and I forced my eyes open because I immediately knew I wouldn't be getting back up if I went to lay down. It was an instinctual type of fear, like my body knew what it meant before my mind could clear the haze enough to figure it out.

It's completely changed the way I feel about dying. I've never been religious, and I'm still not--I think that whatever happens is what happens, and time spent arguing the afterlife could be better spent going out and being kind. I think we are what we put out into the world, and it makes me genuinely happy to be kind and helpful to others, so I don't think on religion much because I like to think that kindness at least counts for something. But goddamn. I've been going to therapy for my issues around death for years, and this one hallucination was enough to calm me down. It felt so serene, and so welcoming and peaceful. There was no pain whatsoever--in my other hallucinations I could still feel the fever in my bones and the fucking crushing weight on my chest, but it was completely gone in those few seconds. I could cry thinking about it even now.

Don't fuck around with this virus guys. Like...this has been SUPREMELY fucked up.

And thanks again for everyone's well wishes and engagement, even when I was too weak to muster up any kind of reply. I love you guys, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that your words of encouragement were really one of the only things keeping me going in a time where it seemed so easy to just give up and let it take me. You guys are the reason I forced myself to stay positive, even if just online, and that was enough to turn the tide on this for me and stop me from going down the rabbit hole and giving up. I'm so grateful that I've found people in a little online anime community that were able to do something like that, and I don't know how I can pay you back for it. I only know that I'll try.

[order-of-river-phoenix]

Im dying for some nixon! Could you do one about nix and the reader post war married, she finds out shes pregnant after discussing symptoms with her friend and has to find out how to tell him? Nix as a dad is just adorable 😍

Breaking The News; Lewis Nixon

Fandom: HBO War; Band of Brothers

A/N: this took me waaay too long but I hope you still like it 🥺 thank you so much for the request. School has been stressing me out and work has been wearing me out, but I squeezed in some writing. Hopefully w winter break coming I’ll feel up to writing more.

Notice: female reader

Taglist: @liebegott @stressedinadress @hellitwasyoufirstsergeant @teenmagazines @hbohmygodx @meteora-fc @punkgeekchic @vintagelavenderskies @hoosiers-hoe @mavysnavy @inglourious-imagines @warrior-healer @alienoresimagines @hannahbear1 @easy-company-tradition @wexhappyxfew Please let me know if you’d like to be added/removed/you’ve changed your user (or feel free to do so yourself via the link in my description)

__________

"Oh, honey," your friend giggled. "So is this your way of telling me you're expecting?"

"Expecting what? I'm genuinely concerned for my health!"

She shook her head, patting your hand. "Don't tell me you didn't suspect a pregnancy. You have all the classic symptoms: morning sickness, missing... you know what. I can't believe you hadn't pieced it together yourself by now."

You sat back in your chair, taking in the information. You were stunned to say the least. "What'll I tell Lewis?"

"Don’t worry about it. He'll be happy."

"Oh, are you sure? What if he's not ready?" Your anxiety was making your stomach turn.

"He can get over it," she rolled her eyes. "Clearly, one of you had to have realized it was a possibility at this point. You've been married how long now?"

"Nearly 6 months."

"Exactly." She sipped her lemonade like that had explained it all.

“Exactly what?”

She gave you a pointed look. “Do I need to explain how babies are made?”

__________

You paced around the house, words filling your head but none of them feeling right. You had to tell your husband in a good way. It couldn’t be super sudden, but you also didn’t want to beat around the bush. Before you knew it, the sun had set, meaning Lewis would be home soon.

“I’m home!” he announced, knowing fully that you could hear the door open and close from just about anywhere in the small house.

“In the kitchen!” you called back, never looking away from the recipe you were following. It was a more complex version of some comfort food Lewis had mentioned before. You hoped good food might make your announcement a little easier.

Upon finding you, a contagious smile broke out across his face, and he hugged you from behind, as to not keep you from what you were doing. “Hi. I missed you.”

His breath warmed your shoulder, and you smiled to yourself at his tenderness. “I missed you too. How was work?”

“Work was work,” he groaned. “Boring could describe it, but that’s still too generous.”

You shook your head, amused by his dramatic comment. “That bad, huh?”

He shrugged before letting go of you and leaning against the counter. “I guess not, but anything without you is insufferable.”

“Maybe I should work at the plant then.”

“You were supposed to suggest I quit,” he sighed. “Forcing me to respond with why I can’t and why that would be bad for our futures and for our children.”

You tried not to react too much to his last words. “Children?”

“Well, yeah. I assume we might have a couple.” He looked at you earnestly. “If you wanted to. Do you not want kids?”

“I think I do,” you quickly cleared up. “I just wasn’t sure where you stood.”

“I stand wherever you are.”

“How absolutely-“

“Romantic?”

“Cheesy is the word I was going to use.”

Dinner came and went—successfully, you might add, and you were still trying to find a way to tell him your news. You were kicking yourself for not saying anything when the topic was brought up. Now, you were both getting ready for bed.

As you brushed your teeth, he came in behind you to do the same. The comfortable routine normally set you at ease, but with the unintentional secret you were carrying, everything felt off. You ran through what to say again and again as you spit out the toothpaste and rinsed off the toothbrush.

You sat up in the bed, and he seemed to notice you didn’t look exactly ready to sleep.

“Something the matter?” He crawled in next to you. “Normally you’re halfway to dreamland by the time I get to bed.”

“Just thinking.” You slid down until your head was on your pillow.

He frowned a little and cocked an eyebrow. “Care to share?”

“Maybe.”

“Ah, okay then,” he yawned. Maybe you’ll feel like sharing tomorrow.” He pulled the covers up to his shoulders and closed his eyes. “Goodnight, sweetheart.”

“Goodnight.” Just before he had completely drifted off, you kissed his temple and whispered a quiet confession. “I’m pregnant.”

He mumbled incoherently and stilled.

When you were sure he was asleep, you rested peacefully knowing you had told him. Whether he had heard you or not was an issue for the morning.

__________

You woke up slowly, but you quickly noticed that you weren’t alone in the bed. Fighting the urge to shut them again, your eyes opened to see Lewis sitting up. “What-“ you yawned as you raised yourself up. “What are you doing up?” You blearily checked the clock on your nightstand. “It’s not even 1 in the morning.”

“I had a strange dream, Y/N.” He seemed to be reminding himself what it was before he continued. “In my dream, I heard you say you were pregnant, but that’s it. That’s all I remember.”

This woke you up a little more, and you sat up next to him. “I am pregnant.”

“What?”

“Lewis, we’re going to have a baby.”

He stared at you, mouth agape for a small eternity before pulling you into him. “Oh my God. You’re pregnant? When d’you tell me? Did you tell me? Oh well, you must have.”

“I may have whispered it to you as you fell asleep,” you admitted. “But I couldn’t figure out a good way to tell you.”

“I can’t believe my brain retained that.”

You eased yourself away from him, seeing the huge grin he had. “I can’t believe it woke you up this early. Can we squeeze in a couple more hours b-“

“We need to prepare. What are naming him? Or her? Shit, what if we have a girl? I don’t know anything about raising girls.”

“Good thing I know a couple.”

“What kind of things do we need to buy? A crib, toys, diapers, clothes. Oh, and the doctor’s appointments! You’re going to need a good doctor. I mean, I think I remember the name of the one we went to for Michael.”

“Lew, honey? Hey,” you put your hand on his cheek to catch his attention. “Hey, there. Calm down. We can figure this out later. We’ve got plenty of time. Let’s sleep, okay?”

He shook his head in agreement and followed you back down to the pillows. “I can’t wait,” he whispered, kissing your nose and closing his eyes to go to sleep for the second time that night.

[vtforpedro]

sorry to anyone who subs to me on ao3 and got a second notif about the same fic. I forgot ao3 sends them out for some fucking reason and doesn’t give me the option to not notify subscribers HNNN I’m sorry I know the majority of my subscribers don’t sub for that fandom anyway, I don’t know what my last health update was or when and I’m too tired to look right now. I’ve gone through a very, very, very bad couple of weeks. my head has been so severe that I’ve had episodes up to five times a day when it normally averages 1-2. I had to go to the ER by ambulance because it was so bad and it truly feels like my death is imminent when it’s like that. one marked difference now is that everyone fucking believes me since I have a potential diagnosis that explains all of this horrible brain shit from my neurosurgeon. isn’t it funny how the patient describing the same shit for a year and who has lost all quality of life is telling the truth and actually experiencing these things. I’m still so angry y’all, it makes me feel a rage I’ve never felt before. I never had to suffer like this if I was just taken seriously from the beginning. they even told me at the hospital ‘oh yeah that causes a lot of severe symptoms and feels awful’ and it’s. HOO BOY. it’s hard to say much of anything when I’m in the middle of it, let alone tell them how angry I am because I’ve known that for a year now, thanks ER doctor and I were in agreement of why it’s so bad right now and that’s because of my chemo pill! I’ve been having issues with it and my hematologist took me off of it last Monday because I was (and still am) feeling extremely poorly. my numbers looked the best they have in this last year so it sucked to get off of it but my body was just not tolerating it at all. my hematologist said I looked unwell and she wanted me off of it for six weeks to recover. one of the worst side effects from it tho is fluid retention. I already knew it was causing that from the first time I got off of it but this time my body didn’t release any of the water on its own so I’m taking a water pill to get rid of it right now but I wasn’t on it yet when I went to the ER and the doc and I agreed that fluid retention was causing more pressure in my brain and making my symptoms so severe. so hopefully this calms my head down a little because it + how awful I feel on AND coming off the chemo pill is kind of destroying me right now lol I started to feel sick two days after the ER and thought I got covid too, so that’s fun. I got tested on monday, still waiting for results, but I feel mostly better now. a lot of nausea, sore throat, headache, stomach ache, bloating, fatigue, just feeling sick all around. but I never got a fever or a cough so we’re leaning toward that also being the chemo pill. I stopped taking it the day before I went to the ER. but yeah truly thought I had covid and was gonna die because my immune system is so messed up right now and I have like four comorbidities. this has been a really bad couple of weeks lol I am so tired. I feel like I’ll never not be tired anymore my hematologist ran the blood test to look at my cancer numbers (only done about every three months) and they called me this morning and said it’s undetectable in my blood. this doesn’t mean remission and it will likely be detectable again when we run it in three more months, if that’s what she wants to do, but I was going to ask to be off of it for a few months anyway so I’m happy about that. I know it’s objectively a good thing that it’s undetectable in my blood but I am so fucked from all of this that I truly feel numb about it. I just want my head stuff to ease, it’s the most horrific thing to go through and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone ._. sorry if I’m all over the place, I really am exhausted and I’d love to sleep for a week. I hope you all are doing better and coping with the madness that is 2020, especially if you’re in a country where the pandemic is still raging. please stay safe and well <3 love you all, thanks for always being there for me!

[zoobus]

2020 was better for me than most since I mostly maintained employment. It was also the sickest I've ever been. I don't think I've thrown up more in entire life combined then I have this year, here's some things I learned from it:

You might have heard the phrase "[feeling] so strong, it knocked me on my ass." This can apply to nausea.

If you start waking up at 3am to vomit, keep a diary! Always good to notice a pattern

You might feel inclined to read stories about people with cancer when you're at your worst. Don't fall into this trap.

It's very possible to grow a hatred for eating, the concept of eating, and the fact that you need food to live while you try to figure out what's causing this.

Fear also.

Yeah yeah doctors are heroes who went to medical school not google university - If you go to your doctor because you keep vomiting and laying in bed all day because of nausea, do NOT let that motherfucker get up in her feelings about how you're "normalizing" suicidal ideation because you've accepted you're not going to be very happy while your condition persists.

In fact, do not let your doctor turn your limited pto/vacation days into a lecture about depression just because their 200 iq med schooled brain apparently cannot comprehend that if you ask shit like "do you feel hopeless often" "have your eating habits changed" "are you waking up in the middle of the night" to someone who's experiencing random forced kinning with that girl from The Exorcist, the answer might possibly have very little to do with mental illness god I'm still so fucking mad about this

It's hard to describe the despair of believing you've found the source/fix for your problem only for it to come back even harder. You think "oh I was simply allergic to an ingredient I consumed all the time, now that I've thrown it all away, I'm free now" and you're not.

Nonstop burning pain in your upper abdomen so bad you can only force yourself to sleep over and over to get through it... It's pretty bad. Pretty bad.

It was probably an ulcer. Can't confirm, I could afford an official test or medication, not both but it's been almost a month(!) without symptoms though so! 🎉🥂🥳🎈🎉🎈 end this year

There's chemotherapy-grade anti-nausea medicine. Bless the inventors.

I wish I'd remembered Goodrx before I lost my insurance, but you live you learn

Nobody said this to me, but fyi "relax! It's just stress" is the most pointless statement on earth. There's no such thing as "just" stress.

What a year

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt.38

Heading back downstairs, Shiro was leaning against the wall at the foot at the stairs. Keith had intended to head back to the kitchen, try to keeps his temper then find an opening, apparently that wasn’t going to happen

“Want to tell me what that was?”

“Lance was upset. I was checking on a friend”

“Alright. I get it, you’re mad at me. I thought we could talk”

“By ambushing me?”

“By waiting for you. Look, I know I was gone for the better part of a month, and I’m sorry it took that long”

“You left me here”

“And you seem fine. You’ve even befriended Lance”

“He’s not... he isn’t like normal vampires”

“We already knew that. So can we talk? Or are you still mad at me”

“Both. Where’s everyone else?”

“Curtis is with Matt and Rieva. They wanted to take a walk outside after all the travelling we’ve done”

“Then we’ll go to the living room”

Despite the space, Shiro sat right next to him on the couch. The hunter didn’t like being mad at Shiro, but his emotions had the better of him. Shiro knew that as well as he did

“Soooo...?”

Keith closed his eyes, feeling like this was going to be a long conversation

“You transferred us”

Opening his eyes, Keith didn’t know what to do with his hands. He kind of hoped Blue would come flying from nowhere and land on his lap to give him something to keep him preoccupied

“Ah. Yeah. It was one of the conditions of Matt’s and Rieva’s release. We’ve got a meeting with Coran on Sunday, and he’s going to find us an apartment in Platt”

“So it’s all decided then”

“You sound like you want to stay here. Are you and Lance that close?”

“He’s not intolerable... He’s actually... He’s actually pretty fun to hang out with”

“So leaving you here wasn’t all doom and gloom?”

“No. But... it’s complicated”

“Tell me about it”

“I will if you tell me where you’ve been”

“You know the Blades. Meeting after meeting, then waiting on their decisions. Coran’s done such a good job with his management of the area that they were willing to have him vouch for both Matt and Rieva on the condition we deal with a vampire problem emerging in Platt”

“There’s always something. What about Lance? What’s the verdict on him?”

“Provided he continues check-in’s with Coran and continues to drink blood bags, they’ll monitor him for the next six months. Shouldn’t be a problem”

That was easy for Shiro to say. Keith was the one who had to tell Lance that there’d be an invisible collar around his neck

“Great”

Shiro bumped his shoulder against Keith’s

“Keith. What happened with you? I don’t know what it is, but something seems different about you?”

“A good different? Or a bad different?”

Keith didn’t like the word “different”. When people told him he was different it was usually followed by him being left behind

“Good. You seem more relaxed. The house seems to be standing too, and you seemed concerned about Lance”

“Lance is always tense. He hasn’t been well, so he’s got a lot on his mind and he feels bad about before... but... He’s a good person”

Shiro leaned back against the couch cushions, eyebrow raised

“He’s a vampire. You were certain he did something to you”

Aaaaaand he regretted what he’d done. Past him was a very stupid man

“I’m not saying he didn’t . He didn’t turn me. Coran said he didn’t. I’m human... but... I... I’m having problems with my heart. Lance is worried about it. I guess I am too... He wanted to make sure we talked”

Shiro’s grey eyes widened at him, expression clouding with worry

“What do you mean something’s wrong with you heart? Why didn’t you tell me? Does Coran know? Have you gone for a physical?”

“I was...”

“This is your health! What have you been doing here this whole time? How could you ignore your health?!”

There’s been a lot going on... and it wasn’t like he’d died

“Because I wasn’t the only one with something going on. Lance has been sick. It’s not like I can just go to a doctor. You need to calm down. I can’t talk to you when you’re being like this”

Shiro got to his feet, Keith knew he was about to start pacing. He was bad before Adam’s death, but now he was ridiculous. He’d pace himself into a hole if left alone

“You should have told me”

Shiro started the dreaded pace, one arm across his stomach as his hand went up to pinch the bridged of his nose

“I’ve been fine... it’s annoying but I’m okay. Besides, how could I tell you when I have no idea what you were doing”

“I was taking care of things”

“You left me here! I thought I was turning and you left me here”

“I had to help Matt...”

“You up and left. Lance has been sick. He’s been sick and he’s been struggling. He’s the one turning! And he’s not okay. You have no idea how hard he’s trying to be okay!”

Shiro paused mid-pace

“What are you talking about? Why are you so concerned about him?”

“We got close. While you were gone. I like him”

“What’s that got to with things? We’re talking about you”

Shiro had left him with Lance. The pair of them had seemed friendly enough before Shiro left. Shiro had to have some kind of feeling he could trust Lance to leave him in his care... Not that he wasn’t old enough to care for himself. He didn’t want to talk about his heart or the vampire who’d weaselled into his heart. He’d let Shiro lead the conversation away from their sudden move and transfer

“I mean, I like him. He’s helped me with a lot of things he didn’t need to. And... we got closer. Heaps closer. He even got me a new camera so I’d have something to do. And clothes. Oh, and he lets me choose my coffee and buys lactose free milk because of me”

“I’m not seeing how what’s going on with him as affected you so much, to the point you didn’t call me to tell me that you’ve been having problems with your heart”

Of course he didn’t. He didn’t want to hear anything that was more important than the issues he was having

“Coran says we have compatible quintessence. My blood... my blood changed him. I was the first human he drank from, or he would have presented earlier... Coran says he a “breeder””

“What’s that?”

“It means Lance isn’t safe. He’s a target for vampires and werewolves if this gets out. He can have children”

“Keith, he’s male. He can father children”

His brother was fucking dense

“Lance has the bits to grow a child, because of my blood. He can fall pregnant”

Shiro looked ready to have a stroke on the spot. He was pissed

“That’s not funny”

“I’m not joking. He’s been sick because his body has been growing the parts he needs to carry, like a womb and shit. His body isn’t stable right now. He keeps getting random flushes of what he’s calling heat, like a werewolf. It’s also why he keeps randomly turning into a bat when his emotions get too much. So yeah, we’ve been dealing with a lot since you left”

“How does this relate to you not telling me about your heart?”

“Because it doesn’t happen all the time. I’ve been fine training and living here. I’m going to sleeping in his room tonight”

“Absolutely not. Not if you’re sick”

“I’m not sick! My heart just keeps racing for no reason, or it get all warm in my chest. It mostly happens when Lance is around, so we’ve both been monitoring it”

Shiro threw himself down next to him. His brother looking serious

“Tell me more. What does it feel like?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes it’s racing, or sometimes it gives this weird beat, and sometimes my chest feels tight when it’s racing... like I said, it mostly happens when Lance is around for no reason”

“When Lance says something or does something?”

“I don’t know, maybe. Like when he laughs or smiles...”

Keith’s chest was starting to feel kind of tight thinking about Lance... He had this annoying way of laughing with his whole body when he laughed, that wasn’t annoying at all even if it should be

Shiro let out a deep breath

“Don’t do that to me. Do you know how worried you had me?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your heart was racing, right then. When you were thinking about Lance?”

“How did you know?”

He couldn’t stop his stupid heart from being stupid for no good reason

“You have a crush”

“What do you mean I have a crush? It’s been happening for weeks”

Keith would know it was a crush! He’d know! He’d know... He’d... know...

“We can’t be sure. We’ll have Coran run tests in Platt, but what you’re describing sounds a lot like you’ve got a crush on Lance. Your heart racing and skipping a beat when he smiles. I bet you didn’t even realise you had feelings like that”

“I’ve kissed people, you know”

“Kissing is easy. Love, not so much. I definitely don’t think it’s wise for you to share a bed with Lance”

“Why not?”

“Because you have a crush on him. It’ll leading to feelings and you’ll do something stupid like ask him out”

Keith frowned

“What’s so stupid about that?”

“Well, think about it. How would it work between a vampire and a human? For one, he doesn’t grow old like we do. And now you say he’s a breeder... someone who’s in danger. No. It’s better you put some distance between you and him”

“And what if we were already dating?”

Shiro laughed. He laughed so hard Keith wanted to kick him in the face

“What’s so funny?”

“I left you with him for a month. You can’t possibly be dating so fast. You didn’t even realise you had a crush on him”

Keith went bright red. It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t go around asking for random crushes to attack him with physical symptoms

“Things change. I’ve changed...”

“You’re a human. You’re my kid brother and you’ll always be my kid brother, all it takes is a glance around this place to see you two live in totally different worlds”

“Yeah. Well, I like him”

“We were sent to kill him”

“By his brother”

That sobered Shiro’s laughter right up. Keith secretly enjoying knowing Shiro was now kicking himself hard. It was his brother’s fault for failing to listen to him properly. He’d tried to tell Shiro he really, really, really liked Lance without smothering him with information or making himself seem stupider

“What?”

“His brother. He’s the one who put the job in. He’s paranoid Lance is going to hurt their mother”

“His own brother... That’s... that’s not right”

“Nope. He won’t even do anything about it. I never thought I’d be friends with a vampire, but he’s a good man”

“You’ve said that more than once now. Are you really that close?”

“Yeah... He’s my friend. He hasn’t hurt me. Even when I thought I was turning, he didn’t physically hurt me to prove it. Coran said that fresh blood would help take away his pain, but he won’t drink me from because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He collapsed a mineshaft to protect Pidge...”

“He did what?”

“Pidge found a map of the old mine entrance... so we broke in...”

Shiro sighed in disappointment before scolding him

“Keith! What were you thinking?!”

Keith huffed. He’d been fine. Lance had done the hard work. Plus, they’d found that cool cavern

“Lance went first. He didn’t want me to come down...”

“He should have stopped you”

“He was underground... it was kind of cool down there... And I met his mum... He’s the least vampire vampire I’ve ever met”

“He’s still dangerous”

“He’s not going to put me in harm. If anything, he’s fucking paranoid about hurting anyone”

He was getting angrier by the second

“Keith, I’m not trying to dismiss your feelings, but dating Lance isn’t safe for either of you. If he really is a breeder, what do you think the order will do to him?”

“You’re going to report him?”

“No. I owe him for giving you a place to stay, and for taking Matt, and Rieva, in. But you have to understand how it would look”

“I like him”

“I know kiddo, but one day you’ll meet someone and you’ll know. Even if it takes months, you’ll find someone”

Telling Shiro wasn’t going to be an option. Not until his brother destressed enough to be rational

“Whatever. I’m still mad at you. How did bringing Matt here take nearly a month?”

“You know there’s a process to these things”

“And I know the Blades precious Champion means you have sway. Did you at least ensure that pack in Prague was gone for good?”

“Krolia saw to it. She asked after you”

“So?”

“So, maybe you should reach out to her”

“She’s made it clear to her job comes first”

“She still loves you. You know she always enquires about your missions”

“Yeah, because she’s making sure her precious legacy hasn’t ruined her name”

“That’s not it, and you know it”

“Shiro, fucking drop it. You’re impossible to talk to when you get like this. Go take a damn nap, and stop being so sangry”

“Sangry?”

“Scranky. Scangry. Sangry. Whatever being cranky is because you’re sleepy”

“I wasn’t aware I was”

“Now you know. I missed you, you arsehole”

“I missed you too, kiddo. It won’t be much longer and we’ll have our place again”

“I can’t fucking wait to hear your snoring again”

Oh let him count the ways he missed sleepless nights and wondering he should just smother Shiro with a pillow so he’d manage a few hours sleep before his morning coffee. Shiro laughed it off

“I prefer to think of it as breathing loudly to remind you I’m still alive”

Keith rolled his eyes. He’d kill Shiro himself if his brother thought of leaving him permanently

“There’s breathing and there’s sounding like a freight train mid accident”

“You wound me. Here I was, thinking you were doing better”

“I was until you went into douche mode because you haven’t had your nap”

“Aww, so you do care about me”

Keith kicked Shiro’s leg the best he could

“Your my brother, I don’t not care about you. I’m just angry you made all the decisions and you won’t even listen about Lance”

“That’s because what you’re saying shouldn’t be possible”

“Shouldn’t be, but it is. Just like Curtis shouldn’t be alive, but somehow you neglected to tell me that he is”

Shiro cleared his throat, after making a strange cough like he’d choked on air

“Yes, well... I’m as relieved as you are that he seems to be doing well. I might take that nap”

Fucking sprung right there. Shiro seemed guilty as hell and if his brother was dating Curtis then he had no right to talk about him dating Lance. He was going to find out what was going on between the pair of them, but first he had a stick to find.

[scowlowl]

Hi c: I remember a post, I think it was from you, about long covid and getting it? Was that you? A friend of mine is struggling and I was wondering if you had any advice about what she can do :< Thank you!!

Oh no, I hope your friend feels better soon! That might have been me, I think I posted about it here a few times and there have definitely been twitter threads.

Standard disclaimer stuff: I am not a doctor. What I found helped me might not help someone else. Long covid is kind of fucked up to deal with because it seems to hit everyone in different ways, in different areas, and months later something that wasn't a problem before can suddenly become one. The long haul groups talk about it as something that feels like it moves around the body, like a total shit gremlin.

The thing that helped me the most initially was joining the facebook groups with other people figuring shit out. This was back April/May for me but they're still very active and full of people sharing resources.

Survivor Corps is I think the big one and they've been the ones reaching out to media and doctors to try to gain some recognition with the medical community initially (as far as I know, all kind of a blur tbh). There's also a long covid group here, and if your friend searches for like, long covid + the country they're in there are usually more local/regional ones for resources closer to home too.

Because we don't really know what specific mechanism is triggering a lot of the long covid stuff yet, most of us are just treating symptoms. Some people have been diagnosed with mast cell activation syndrome (MCAS) and I don't know diddly squat about that but it might be something for your friend to look into. My whole thing has been inflammation and my immune system basically attacking itself because immune systems are both very complex and compellingly fucking stupid. Not to victim blame the immune system or anything.

What helped me depended on what was going wrong at the time, obv, but it means it's a long list.

This is just going to be a brain dump, sorry.

- I never had pneumonia. Mine started in my throat, probably damaged my vocal chords, but never turned into pneumonia. I still had shortness of breath, pressure in my chest, and my oxygen levels dropped. I could breathe but with great difficulty and described it to the EMTs as "breathing is like work." It took all of my energy and focus to breathe in enough. If you are that this point, ever, like, literally fucking ever, call an ambulance.

- Tylenol for a fever. 

- Blood thinners if necessary, I never had any but we know now that a lot of problems are blood clot-related. Tbqh my blood is more thin now than anything but I always had anemia and some sort of “your blood is too small actually?” problem and we don’t know why. I just bleed a lot and bruise easier now. 

- If they try to tell you it's anxiety or in your head or you're not that bed, tell them to go fuck themselves and go to the hospital. Get tested if you can. A lot of the problems long haulers ran into was that we got sick before tests were available, or we were talked into staying home by the emergency workers, and we never got tested. This opens the doors for doctors to tell you it's all in your head, psychological, anxiety, allergies, etc. Just. Go when you first feel sick if at all possible. Get tested before it turns into long covid. 

- I was not sure in the beginning what "shortness of breath" or "pressure" actually felt like, and it made me delay calling for an ambulance for a few days as well. For me, it felt like there was an elastic band of pressure around my lungs. I couldn't fully inhale. My diaphragm was fucked in ways I still don't understand. My lungs also felt heavy, like there was a weight on them or like my lungs themselves were too stiff to inhale. That all counts as pressure/tightness/shortness of breath. So does air hunger, or feeling like you want to be swallowing air.

- I know I'm being super obvious but seriously shortly before I got sicker, I hit up twitter to ask what "pressure" was supposed to feel like because I couldn't tell if what I had "counted."

- Breathing: lying on my stomach with my chest propped up by pillow, in bed helped. So did  pursed lip breathing: here.

- I was prescribed salbutamol initially, which did help with the worst of the wheezing and opened up some of my lungs so I could breathe easier. When I went to the ER again a couple months later, they gave me like 5x the usual dose and sent me home.

- I'm also taking Flovent/fluticasone twice a day for asthma maintenance.

- Histamines are a problem for a lot of people. Some develop a histamine intolerance, which can be helped by eating a low histamine diet.

- Antihistamines helped me the most. I was taking Allegra-D daily. Pepcid AC also helps, because it targets a different kind of histamine. There was such a run on Pepcid when this started that it was actually impossible to find in my area and I had to order some online. 

- I was recently prescribed Singulair and it has been life-changing this past week or so. As far as I know it's not really an antihistamine but blocks/inhibits a particular receptor involved in inflammation that comes into play when allergies do.

- Electrolytes. I don't know why, but my electrolytes are permanently fucked and too low now. If I don't go through like a litre of gatorade a day (or whatever, pick your brand of supplements), I am even more tired and brain foggy than usual. Helps a lot.

- Inflammation is a major problem all around. Sometimes I go for the naproxen or advil and it will help any really major acute flare-up now (like, I can feel when my gallbladder is getting inflamed and about to spasm and I can cut it off sort of), but mostly it's also daily maintenance. I take cucurmin and black pepper daily.

- Other supplements: vitamins A & D, a multivitamin, NAC.  

- CBD oil. This worked wonders for me for a lot of the side-effects of covid, costochondritis and shingles pain especially.

- Diet. I mentioned the low histamine one above. Other people have had some success with a low inflammation diet. Some folks also have so many GI problems that they basically ate chicken and rice and slowly reintroduced foods to see what would trigger something. I appear to get super fucked by nightshades now, e.g. Alcohol is an absolute no. I had to cut caffeine for months because of my heart. (No caffeine/alcohol/red meat was my doctor's first and best advice for heart stuff at the time.)

- Speaking of the heart stuff, if your friend is dealing with that: electrolytes again. I have pedialyte freezies that I would suck on whenever heart palpitations started and it helped calm it down some. My heart was so, so fucked for months that whenever I ate or stood up or sat down it would hit like 140bpm and I had to spend an hour moving as little as possible or I'd just about pass out. There are a LOT of long-haulers now dealing with POTS and I can't really speak to what helps that in particular but if your heart is messing up at all: call a doctor. I still don't know how damaged my heart is from all of this because doctors and wait lists, etc. Get a jump on that.

- Insomnia was absolutely the worst I’ve ever had and I’ve had lifelong, “I’m awake for three days wee” insomnia. The Singulair knocks me right out at night, so that's a bonus, but there has not been a single night since getting sick where I didn't have to take something to help me sleep. I was on Zopiclone before getting sick, at least, but seriously talk to someone about insomnia if necessary. The sleep deprivation alone was making so many things worse.

- Brain fog? Brain fog. I don't have any or many answers for this. My short-term memory is wrecked and usually I'll remember something 2 weeks later, so I live my life on a 2-week lag now.

- Related to brain fog, fatigue. Don't fuck with it. Do not. Chronic Fatigue and Myalgic encephalomyelitis are both brought up often with long covid. I am dealing with it but don't know what to say about it yet because I haven't had a single doctor give a shit thus far. I've spoken to a relative who's an occupational therapist about it and her most helpful advice was about "energy envelopes," which is basically spoon theory. If you feel tired: stop. If you don't, or if you try to push through, we relapse hard and fast and you can pay for one day of walking 10 minutes too long with weeks of being stuck in bed. It's miserable. It will take longer to get back to normal. Some of us can exercise and feel amazing after; others are exercise intolerant and it wrecks them. (I feel best after like, 10 minutes of walking and sunshine right now, which is after months and months of being bedridden.)

- Treat mental exertion the same as physical. Doctors told me to drink Gatorade after mental work because it's still work, and it has helped a lot for whatever reason. It also helps to work on one thing at a time, take a break, switch gears, take a break, etc. I can't multitask anymore anyway.

- Eliminate whatever stressors you can. Stress will make everything worse. 

- It comes and goes. Every relapse was a bit shorter and a bit easier for me, so that now when I fuck up it's like 2-3 days instead of weeks, but it's a rollercoaster.

- It can be random as hell. For about two months my gallbladder just decided to up and die, basically, and we were talking about having it removed. And then it was fine. Hasn't bugged me again lately. I know I said it's symptom management, but it's also like... symptom chasing and trying to figure out what's happening every time the sun rises. This is also exhausting. Everything is exhausting.

- Brain shit. Some of us have serious trouble reading. Sentences swim together. Letters wouldn't turn into words. I took this as a Challenge and started reading children's books and then Animorphs again, like... slowly, as much as I could do without pushing it, and it's still not perfect or great but it was an okay place to start. Honestly the hardest part was the embarrassment and going from a PhD program to reading kids books, but. Do what you have to. Do what you can.

- Sticky notes and labelling things around the house so I could see them when I needed them. I am not fucking around when I say brain fog. I can open the fridge, know I have milk, know it is in the door, and literally not see it to find it. I will put the cream in the dishwasher. I will spin in circles in the kitchen remembering and forgetting and remembering why I’m there again. Sticky notes. Also: journals, index cards, write literally everything down if you need to remember something. Put it somewhere obvious. I like writing on the bathroom mirror for the important shit. (Don’t use lipstick.) 

- Unsurprisingly, a lot of us are struggling with anxiety and depression. Don't let doctors get it backward: it's not anxiety making us sick, it's being sick and ignored and fighting to be helped that's making our mental health worse. So many doctors tell us it's all in our head. I did not move across the country because I was too sick to take care of myself because of ~allergies~ or ~anxiety.~ Fuck off.

- So, so many people report that they relapse whenever they menstruate so if your friend is in that group, they might want to prepare to feel like fucking trash every 4 weeks no matter what they do. I don’t have any advice on this one, I’m sorry. There are a lot of people discussing it in the FB groups, though, and those are searchable for symptoms. 

- So... a tl;dr list of things that might help: anti-inflammatory diets, anti-histamine diets, pepcid AC, allegra or other allergy meds, vitamin A/D/E, multivitamins, electrolytes and gatorade, albuterol, fluticasone, zopiclone (or anything that helps with sleep), CBD oil, singulair, anti-nausea meds (buscopan), muscle relaxants (spasming gallbladder). Rest, so much rest, do not fuck with The Rest if you can help it. I also encourage just getting high and edibles as much as you can because it sure helped me chill out big time and I think was a big factor in my recovery, at least as far as helping me calm down and helping my heart were concerned.

- The actual most helpful part outside of what to take or do was other people. Friends would go out and get me things when I could not, including like, cat food deliveries and all. I had co-workers ready to step in to take over my work on days I could not. I had friends calling doctors because I was too tired to fight them or self-advocate. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say they helped save my idiot life this year. Literally. It's a lot to ask of anyone but it's also that level of support that some of us need, and there shouldn't be any shame in it. (I still feel bad about it anyway but what are you gonna do.)

Depending on where you live, some places are setting up long-haul covid clinics to help people. Reports are mixed: some demand you had a positive test even if you were sick before tests were available. Some people are getting a lot of help regardless. Some are being sent home and told not to come back anyway. It’s kind of a gamble right now but either way, there’s at least some medical recognition making headway now so my fingers are crossed.

Anyway you basically sound like a good bean and your friend is lucky to have you asking around. I have absolutely forgotten something at some point in here because, well, brain fog and no memory, but if you have any questions or want something clarified please just ask. Stay safe!

[im-bipolar-but-thats-okay]

Fuck You, Covid.

I do not even know where to start with this, ya’ll. I’ve been a little MIA but a lot has been going on. I’m going to try to break it down into a couple of posts, but here is the biggest thing right now.

I originally got sick with Covid the week of Thanksgiving. It was really shitty timing since I work in retail and Black Friday is one of our biggest weekends. My symptoms were not bad. I only had a sore throat, congestion, and a headache with extreme fatigue. I never got a fever and I never lost my sense of taste or smell. I didn’t feel that bad but obviously I had to quarantine. I slept for like a week straight, then when my symptoms were gone I was ready to head back to work. I was excited to go back. I was done with Covid, but Covid wasn’t done with me.

I went back to work but I wasn’t fully “healed.” It seemed like everyday I was dealing with something different, a new sickness. A couple of times I felt like I was battling a stomach bug. Lots of days I just felt really tired. Then the week after Christmas, I woke up with a sore throat again, but, this time, I had a fever as well. I didn’t know what to do. I called my doctor who prescribed me some antibiotics. She felt that it wasn’t Covid again but strep throat. She thinks that being sick from Covid weakened my immune system and now I have been getting sick more easily. Well, it doesn’t stop there.

After a few days on the antibiotics, my throat got better and my fever went away. I was excited to get back into a productive routine at work and at home. Too bad though. I started to feel extreme fatigue. I don’t know how to describe it aside from being constantly tired and always ready for a nap. I started dozing off at my desk at work. I would doze off driving home from work. It isn’t even a 10 min drive. One time a staff member was asking me a question and I was falling asleep as he looked at me! Originally, I thought I just messed up my sleep cycle trying to stay up late to hang out with Casey, but it started happening everyday. A couple of times I had to leave work early to go home and nap because I just could not make it through the day. 

 I did go to my doctor after I realized something is obviously wrong. With no other symptoms it is hard to pinpoint what it is. The doctor took a bunch of blood and did a bunch of tests. Most of them came back normal. My liver enzymes are high, but that would not cause fatigue. My iron is good. I am not diabetic. I am not pregnant. My vitamin D is a little low, but not enough to cause this much fatigue. She still started me on some pills. She really isn’t sure what is causing this fatigue. Her only guess is Covid. Basically, it is still fucking with my body and not letting me run at 100%. Shit. I don’t even feel like 80%. 

Being this fatigued, she suggested I take time off work. I was really hesitant about this and took a few days to think about it. On the one hand, I was not being productive at work. I could maybe work the first hour or two then spend the rest of the day fighting my fatigue. On the other hand, I just didn’t feel “sick” enough to take time off. I felt like even an hour or two of work could be helpful and I should be contributing. Also, my work department is at a moment of a big change. I have a new co-manager starting. A bunch of new reps starting. And a new trainer set to start soon, too. Casey really convinced me that I should take this opportunity. He has seen me struggling everyday and I think he is worried. Also, my boss had a talk with me. He told me I need to take care of myself and the store will be there when I get back. I guess I would want the same thing for my teammates if they were sick. I would want them to take the time to get better too. But I do hope I feel better soon. It has only been a couple of days and I want to go back.

I’ve been doing some of my own little tests to figure out how much sleep I need and maybe find a new routine. So far, if I do not set an alarm, I will sleep for about 12 hours over night. Then when I get up I feel a little groggy but fine. After about 2 or 3 hours I start to feel tired again and need a nap. I can push myself to stay up but I will start to doze off easily. My naps last about 3 hours. I fall asleep almost instantly. 

Today, I went to get more bloodwork done and tomorrow I have to go again. Hopefully they will get the results quickly. I went to the lab directly so I don’t have to wait on samples being transferred or anything like that. I’m not really sure what to expect. I’m scared there is no answer and I will have to deal with this fatigue. I’m not sure how I could work around this when nothing helps. Caffeine does nothing and apparently neither does any amount of sleep. This level of exhaustion is different from my normal depression fatigue. I can feel it in my whole body. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s terrible and I hope I get passed it soon. 

I have a lot more stuff going on in my life that I would like to update including my budding relationship with Casey and an update on my meds. So stay tuned. Hopefully I will post again soon, just as long as I don’t feel too tired.