#this started the other day when i was reorganizing my toy shelf by catagory for the 3rd time in the same week and i was like huh

[zeyan]

self introspection post ignore me

thinking a lot lately about how my behaviors very very do not line up with the anxiety disorder everyones told me I have like. things like "oh nobody's actually going to make fun of you for just existing it's all in your head :)" don't help bc people LITERALLY made fun of me for existing bc I acted weird. I'm worried people don't like me because I can't tell when someone's being genuine, I see people who seem to be on good terms with eachother talk shit when their back is turned and my brain just can't tell the difference. strongly been thinking lately that I am ND in some way (maybe autisim?) but the only thing a diagnosis would do (if I could even get one as an afab adult) is give doctors another reason to not believe me when I go to the hospital for something. I made up a long list of things I think might be ND behaviors that I do in case I ever do get to see a therapist/psychiatrist again but I probably never will, and I wasted all the time I actually got with one talking about my stupid family problems instead of getting to talk about my actual issues. I've wanted to go again ever since getting a job bc it's given me a lot more insight on what might be wrong with me. like going to work and coming home crying after only being there for 4 hours because there were too many sounds that day is not normal. and being told that it's just anxiety didn't help bc my brain just went oh this is probably one of those panic attacks you're supposed to have :) and ppl are like “oh don't assume you have something bc you share 1 or 2 symptoms” but that was enough for them to just slap the anxiety label on me and give me medications that either didn't work or actively made me worse. a lot of my issues WAY more strongly align with ND things than with an anxiety disorder. like yeah I talk quiet sometimes but I also talk REALLY loud at other times, I can't control my volume both ways. I don't like chatting with strangers but it's not bc I'm afraid of them it's bc I don't know how to have a conversation. I was afraid to go to the airport by myself but when my friends gave me clear step by step instructions on what to do once I got there it was FINE like having a list of what to do so I don't "mess up" fixed the problem and made it easy. also just like. with the way I acted as a kid before I learned to shut up and be quiet makes me wonder why none of my teachers ever told my mom to get me tested for something. there's a lot of other things on the list between my food texture issues/ not liking to be hugged or touched but it's difficult for me to describe in detail. I guess I just wish I didn't have to fight to know what's wrong with me. and i wish the result didn't have consequences so i could just know :[