crimsun-n-clover

[crimsun-n-clover]

i’m insane thank you mcr

i lost my shit when i woke up from a nap to hear about the remasters and had to wait until the sun went down to run around in the park to calm down but that wasn’t enough so i climbed this tall ass fence (like. 10 feet) a couple times and it sliced my hands the fuck up but it was worth it

and then i waited until midnight for the album to release and it’s SO good. someone said it’s like seeing color tv for the first time and it really is. all the people i saw bitching about how it’s just a cash grab or a distraction (bc no mcr5) have all retracted their statements because it’s that fucking good. i’m never gonna be the same

i went batshit on here and live blogged the whole thing and talked to my mutuals it’s so fun when stuff like this happens i’m so happy

like. happy enough that i thought i was manic but i can look in the mirror just fine so i think im good

[crimsun-n-clover]

liz is pregnant it’s so over

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adding to the i love my mom chronicles

today she comes into my room holding a bag and says “i got you new compression socks, three are halloween print and three have animals on them” 😭 she knows i love patterned socks (specifically halloween ones that i wear year round) and found some online that’ll help with my flare ups 😭

and i got her into the fnaf movie today. she was actually interested and wants to see the second one when it comes out. i told her it’s a stupid movie about a video game that came out when i was a kid and she still watched it and loved it.

only reason i was able to do that was because my dad was out in the garage working. he came in when i was trying to eat dinner which was unpleasant but whatever

when i came home there was a little grogu keychain (to add to my impressive collection of star wars keychains) on the counter i love my mom 😭 like. i get little stuff from her and it’s so sweet and she likes the music i play for her and always dyes my hair if i think im gonna fuck it up

i’ll forever be mad about her bringing dad back home because that (and her conservative views) is the only thing keeping me from being a full fuckin mamas boy

i was in the kitchen talking to her while she was cooking and she was like “sit down and play some music for me” and so i sit down and then her phone lights up to say “[fathers name] is home” and i had to make an excuse to get the fuck out of there before he inserted himself

whenever i’m talking to mom he just. shows up. and decides it’s party time and we allll need to bond. and sticks around way past his welcome. and asks stupid questions and goes on about “i haven’t seen you in forever” BECAUSE I DONT WANT YOU TO

they’re joined at the hip and it drives me batshit i make mom bring me dinner to my room so i don’t have to get looped into whatever shits always going on in the kitchen i can NOT deal with his ass when i just want to eat my one meal of the day. and then when i get up to throw away my plate i have to pray he’s either asleep or sulking in the garage

every time i pass him he always makes some big deal about “hey” and if i don’t respond he gets upset. mom tells me to leave the house through the garage to “acknowledge your father” I DONT WANT TOOO

i want to be around my mom but i CANT because if he comes into the house and sees us together he sits his fucking useless ass down and makes it about himself

[crimsun-n-clover]

i want coffee sooo bad but it’s 2 in the morning and i can’t make it without waking up my parents probably i wish i was dead

[crimsun-n-clover]

AUGH DONT FUEL MY EGO DALIA

[crimsun-n-clover]

everyone wants to talk to me when i’m having heart palpitations and trying to watch evil dead

like you guys are great and all but i have two new people i don’t know (who seem super sweet!! im just an asshole) breathing down my neck about what i’m doing and i know that’s like a good thing and i do like them but eugh im. scared

[crimsun-n-clover]

PLEASE don’t be having visions again 🙏 im having a spontaneous medication defying period (like when i had my bad episode) and i was trying to sleep earlier and heard AND FELT (there’s like a difference in the air) my bedroom door open. and i keep hearing sounds when im falling asleep but that was the weirdest one that im not writing off as “well maybe i didn’t have an auditory hallucination maybe i just thought about it reallyyy hard” but why the fuck would i be thinking about babies crying

[crimsun-n-clover]

EW EW EW THE NICOTINE PATCH I FORGOT I WAS WEARING MELTED INTO MY SKIN OVER LIKE TWO OR THREE DAYS AND IM STICKY NOW :(((

[crimsun-n-clover]

when i came home there was a little grogu keychain (to add to my impressive collection of star wars keychains) on the counter i love my mom 😭 like. i get little stuff from her and it’s so sweet and she likes the music i play for her and always dyes my hair if i think im gonna fuck it up

i’ll forever be mad about her bringing dad back home because that (and her conservative views) is the only thing keeping me from being a full fuckin mamas boy

i was in the kitchen talking to her while she was cooking and she was like “sit down and play some music for me” and so i sit down and then her phone lights up to say “[fathers name] is home” and i had to make an excuse to get the fuck out of there before he inserted himself

whenever i’m talking to mom he just. shows up. and decides it’s party time and we allll need to bond. and sticks around way past his welcome. and asks stupid questions and goes on about “i haven’t seen you in forever” BECAUSE I DONT WANT YOU TO

they’re joined at the hip and it drives me batshit i make mom bring me dinner to my room so i don’t have to get looped into whatever shits always going on in the kitchen i can NOT deal with his ass when i just want to eat my one meal of the day. and then when i get up to throw away my plate i have to pray he’s either asleep or sulking in the garage

every time i pass him he always makes some big deal about “hey” and if i don’t respond he gets upset. mom tells me to leave the house through the garage to “acknowledge your father” I DONT WANT TOOO

i want to be around my mom but i CANT because if he comes into the house and sees us together he sits his fucking useless ass down and makes it about himself

[crimsun-n-clover]

i matched with a girl on a dating app (not a fan. hate when that happens) and she followed me on instagram (NOT A FAN) and i was gonna block her out of fear (i shan’t start a talking stage i CANNOT let me read my comic books in PEACE) but then i found her profile and it says she’s mainly looking for friends so i went with it and we talked a bit and she plays guitar and put an mcr song as her note she’s won me over

plus i could say this to maggie

full message is “if i was slightly worse i would go yayyy this is to get on my good side but i’m not she just has good taste”

[crimsun-n-clover]

i wish i was dead bro i always think im over dalia and then some stupid ass shit happens and i’m kicking my feet (despite the heart palpitations. because i usually get them when she talks to me.) and we’re back at pathetic fucking day one

i’m gonna start advertising myself to get bitches. i need an infomercial. i need a late night surreal infomercial that goes over my good qualities. but wait! there’s more!!

[crimsun-n-clover]

oh right i’m 19 now i didn’t post any crisis shit on my birthday like i usually do because i was too busy sleeping and gorging myself on pizza with a side of stimulants

growth.

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past me always has my back i fucking hid a pack of reese’s in an extra blanket and just found them I LOVE ME

[crimsun-n-clover]

[crimsun-n-clover]

oh my god can someone take me to the vet and get me euthanized my poetry is fucking stupid. we get it you’re gay. you don’t love your father but you love dog metaphors and also your kid sister and nothing else. shut the fuck up.

it always seems sooo important at the time and then i reread it and it’s like. get a load of this guy

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buying sex toys at spencer’s is already harrowing but having the cashier say “i’d recommend a disinfectant for this” and my fucking dumb ass going “no thanks i already have some” now everyone in this spencer’s knows im a master gooner

it’s so bad dude like i was there buying a second toy specifically because i kept killing the battery on the other one and having to stop in the middle of it to charge the damn thing for like 20 minutes. i have a rotation now. i got vibrators on speed dial motherfucker

[crimsun-n-clover]

we were never equals, no matter what we told them. i was loyal to you and you alone, and i knew how to sit and stay like a good dog.

you didn’t want to be with me, but you didn’t want me to be with anyone else. your jealousy boiled over on more than one occasion, and it hurt me because i’m your good dog. how could i do that to you?

you said you loved me. you said you needed me. you said i was everything you’re not, and that’s why we were perfect for each other.

and you lied, of course. you’re a filthy liar. and i’m just a filthy faggot. your new boyfriend says so too. but for a moment in time, i was your faggot. all yours to parade around in front of your friends at the party.

i waited at the door for you day after day. you’d let me in and send me right back out with new wounds to lick each time. and i sunk my teeth into what we had and held on with all of my strength while you beat it out of me.

after all, i was just your dog. your fucking dog.