#i was recently diagnosed with bpd i don’t think it’s college!

[creepycrawliess]

what college does to a motherfucker 😭😭

[blochnessm0nstr]

Way too much info about me!! (Warning, word vomit)

My stats:

Height: 5’7

Sw: 184 lbs

Cw: 156 lbs

Lw: 151 lbs

Gw: 96 lbs

I’ve been bulimic since March but last night i binged and could barely purge, scared me right back into ana. I was ana for about a year before that though.

It’s currently 8 AM and i haven’t slept, but i don’t wanna sleep through christmas eve so i’m too scared to go to sleep now, oh well I’ll pull another all nighter

Kind of? addicted to getting high on benadryl which is really stupid but yknow. Trying to stop because last time i dosed i had 35 (875mg) and barely hallucinated at all and if i dose again i’ll probably want at least a gram which scares me, don’t want seizures. Was alcoholic when i was 14 but passed out behind a closed down bush’s chicken (blood alcohol level was 0.27) and had to go to the hospital, haven’t really drank since. Been hospitalized once for benadryl as well, took 35 before my tolerance was very high (like it is now) and was speaking gibberish and my mom found me :/ went to the psych ward after that one.

Been to 3 psych wards in the span of 2 months for various reasons, was diagnosed w a lot but i don’t trust them because they diagnosed me w BPD even though i’m only 15? Off all my meds too because fuck em.

Dad recently shot up my house then killed himself so that’s fun. Happened 8? days ago i think. He had a little psychotic break. He had pretty bad bipolar disorder so honestly he wasn’t really acting out of character.

Obsessed w butterflies and ready to make it my whole personality. The color purple too.

This is mostly for my own well being because i really need somewhere to vent/blog and why not make it public?

I love piercings sm, and will be getting more hopefully in the near future. I currently have 4 lobes, both daiths, 2 helixes, 1 nostril, smiley, frowny, tongue web, and a vertical labret. I really want snake bites, medusa, other nostril, and dimples, as well as a shit ton more on my ears. Have to wait until after my dad’s funeral though, his family is very conservative and my mom doesn’t want to be judged.

I really like working out and have a bit of muscle, but i wanna be way more toned.

Still unhealthily obsessed w my ex who dumped me right after i got out of the psych ward the first time (and ditched me to drink alone, which is when i almost died) he was good to me before the end, I think he’s in jail now though, not positive. He just kinda disappeared.

Mom keeps trying to send me to a ed clinic, rehab, or RTC so if i disappear i probably didn’t die.

Came from twitter but it’s shit now so i’m here, i like it so far.

I used to self harm a lot, like a lot. Used to have a shtwt account but we don’t do that anymore, it made me feel special because i could cut to beans 😬. I won’t post any gore on here. If i ever post my body (unlikely for a long while) be warned there will be scars.

edit: I’m also depressed asf if u couldn’t tell 😭 barely hanging on by a thread. I need to clean so bad i’m considering overdosing on sudafed to give me the energy.

I live w just my mom, my brothers in college, and my dads dead (obvi) probs gonna have to move now that we only have one income.

I doubt anyone read this but that’s my whole life basically. I’m really sweet but get so scared ppl r judging me when they interact so i may not answer 😭

[yndigot]

I don’t have the ability to focus unless I’m hyperfixating or maybe sometimes when things are past deadline already This has been true my entire life, but I did manage to get very high grades in high school (by staying home “sick” and turning things in late) so it was never considered a problem. My parents just regularly told me I was lazy and berated me for not being able to manage my time. And then acted pleased that somehow telling me I was trash for years and years got them a valedictorian. Who crashed and burned hard in college and spent 5 years suicidal while earning a degree that I’ve never been able to use -- and with a glorious 2.5 gpa. (I either got an A because I managed to throw myself into a class or an F because I never showed up or turned anything in, so congrats on that C average, at least I eventually graduated.)

I have a migraine(? so a neurologist told me years ago) almost every day. This includes pain for all or part of the day, depending on how well I’m able to medicate and how hard it hits. It also makes my thinking incredibly fuzzy, especially when it intersects with pressure/weather changes. How exactly this intersects with my other attention issues, I couldn’t tell you, because they’ve both been going on for a substantial part of my life.

I also just recently found out that having a racing heart and dizziness/blacking out when upright is not really a migraine thing, but it sometimes coincides with my migraines, and that may be some kind of blood flow issue. (I was describing this and someone I know was like “...do you mean POTS?” and ... no, not that I’ve been diagnosed with, and I always just assumed it was the migraines, but that’s not really a thing, evidently.) 

Through the years, dating back literally to elementary school, I’ve also been slapped with diagnoses for depression, anxiety, OCD, and possible BPD (although other doctors have gone on to disagree with that one, and I admit it fits in some ways better than others). I’ve been on probably 8-10 different meds but struggled to stay on them and keep up with appointments. I struggle to form and maintain friendships and relationships which means I have virtually no support system, and absolutely no support system I feel comfortable with. I rip off my own skin until I bleed. I’ve gone through periods of self-harm (less cutting, more giving myself friction burns -- also the above mentioned body focused repetitive behaviours focused on ripping apart my skin that I mentioned, but I’m counting more conscious self-harm separately).

All of this before my horrible living situation and my evident unemployability for anything that comes with decent hours and benefits. 

The point of all of this is that I should probably go to a doctor, but I have no idea even where to start -- either how/where to get an appointment (could try to look that up I guess?) or what I’d even say to explain the problem(s). That’s setting aside how much of a pain in the ass it is to get out of my house because of my mother. Also I haven’t been to a doctor for anything in the past 5 years except for an ER trip when I got bitten by a dog and a quick office visit when I injured a foot and thought it might be broken (it was not). I had different insurance then because I had like ... some income at the time, so now I’d have to start all over, and I just don’t have the energy to figure that out right now.

The last few times I managed to get myself any kind of help, I basically walked into emergency mental health clinics and declared that I wanted to die, but the last time I did that, they discussed outpatient hospitalisation and ... I would rather not.

[system-of-a-feather]

5,15 & 20 for the ask meme?

5. How many people know that you’re a system?

Quite a few at this point actually. I’ve kind of taken to being open about being a system so like, my mom and oldest sister know (my dad and middle don’t because they aren’t safe / worth it to tell). My fiance, his mom, and I think by extension his dad know. Four close friends know. I think I mentioned it to four or five of my college friends that I hang out with when we are in the same town. My therapist and the three or four psychiatrists and two doctors I’ve been to since I was diagnosed. I also told some of my mental health organizations that I try to be part of and a few Psych professors for context to some discussions so like... probably more than I’m willing to count. I don’t go around telling everyone, but if I consider someone I hope to be good friends with / hang out regularly, if it is important to a conversation / medical history I usually tell them.

To be honest I’ve dealt with some people deciding to ghost me / shun me / avoid me once I tell them my diagnosis because of the stigma, so I typically am pretty up front with friends at this point so that if they are going to be the type that are not going to give me a chance due to preconceived ideas and stigma on a disorder I can’t change, then they can get out of my life early. 

15. Have your headmates got any disorders or disabilities that you don’t have or vice versa?

Kind of? Maybe? Our therapist hasn’t been ever too clear with the diagnosises of specific alters, but Ray has / had notable anger issues, Aderis was being considered for having BPD, and Lucille used to have autistic traits - though I strongly doubt this system would be considered autistic as much as it is likely what our first therapist (who specialized in autism) stated was the alternative if we didn’t have it which was that “we grew up in an environment where two of the people we interacted with the most were autistic and learned a lot of behavioral and personality traits that would be seen in someone with autism”.

Beyond that though, most of the differences are more of “who has MORE experiences with XYZ” because we all have OCD, Trichotillomania, GAD, and some stomach issues that have yet to be diagnosed though the intensity varies between parts. I’d probably say myself and an alter we don’t talk about on here have OCD the worst by far in the system where it is mild in others.

I also individually dissociate way harder than the rest of the system as I specifically have dissociative disorders within my dissociative disorder XD Cause while it rarely / doesn’t happen for others in the system, I do experience dissociative fugue, amnesia, and occasionally severe derealization / depersonalization without switching. 

20. Who’s your newest alter?

“Newest” is hard to define and really hard to understand cause you gotta consider dormancy and if being an undefined fragment counts and then trying to figure out where all that lines up - but to make things simple - if newest means “newest to come to awareness and work with the system and form a more solid identity” then that would maybe probably be Jii? Either Jii or another alter we don’t talk about on this blog XD

Currently I would think of it to be Jii though. They’ve been around as a floating blob of a fragment until recently where due to a mix of trauma processing and stuff they’ve rooted down more firmly and been working more into the system.

Theoretically they’ve been around for like... four to six years, but formally to our awareness and to having a more established presence and existence, they’ve been around for like... maybe a month? Time is hard to judge XD

-Riku (Host)

[meowmixtape]

okay i think i’m drunk enough to open up about this

i’ve suspected for several years now that i have a psychotic disorder. and yes, i’m trying to get a therapy appointment in order to figure it out (whether or not i have a psychotic disorder i need help, i’m breaking sobriety and have so many other problems). which one, idk. my aunt has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but my mom thinks she’s doctor shopping/diagnosis fishing and that she actually has bpd. i know for a fact my dad was mentally disordered in some way, he didn’t believe in therapy, he believed in crazies who got locked up or killed ppl. he was pretty paranoid, he thought the neighbors were watching him. he thought the police were coming for him. he thought i had it out for him.

i’m told i’m like my dad. if i have his talent (art), his looks, his temper, what’s to say i don’t have his disease?

i recently had an episode where i was scared to get food and went hungry for a few days. i was told my mom despised me for living off her and hated seeing me go to get food off her buck (i know she doesn’t but i just forgot). i had another episode in chicago last year while trying to go to pride: i thought everyone was watching me lost trying to find my way to the parade and laughing, i lost it, turned tail, and ran back home. i’ve been paranoid of room mates in college and of other members of my family. i plotted to kill my father because i was convinced he was trying to kill me (i didn’t do it, he passed away of cancer in 2015... speaking of his cancer, i thought i’d directly caused it when he was diagnosed in 2007). i’ve been paranoid of my sister, and she recently had a baby, so this needs to stop, i will not subject another generation of this family to a rift between siblings. i feel like i have another brain that has its own thoughts and agenda. it’s always there, sometimes commenting on what i’m doing, sometimes judging, sometimes warning and even commanding (maybe my addiction has been dictated by this brain). drinking has always made me feel more like myself, maybe every alcoholic can relate to that, but for me it shuts out that inner voice, and all that’s left is me and my brain (my very inebriated brain but y’know it’s better than the other brain). visual hallucinations are very rare but i have seen dark flickers in my peripheral vision and spiders on the wall and on one memorable occasion a figure in my window. i’ve brought up these auditory and visual hallucinations to my family and this is what i’ve been told:

that’s your anxiety telling you that

those are floaters, everyone gets those (do you get dark floaters that look like spiders and people? ma’am?)

you’re looking for attention. some people actually have schizophrenia. i know you can be a drama queen, but undermining what they’ve gone thru is taking it too far

i think i’ve said my piece. while i wait for my therapy appointment (they’re reviewing my case, that’s a new one but i did apply online) i wanna hear input from people with psychotic disorders. is this legit? how do i explain this to my family? can schizophrenia exist on a spectrum (if i have it i think i’m a case of presents-better-but-struggles-on-the-inside)? i’m not trisha paytas, i’m not clout chasing or diagnosis fishing, i’m legitimately worried how i’ll go forward with this. i think the thing that bothers me the most is my conviction that i was right about everything (or even just most things) has shattered because i don’t have a solid grip on reality.

[never-not-ever]

SO

For years I’ve known I wanted to work in the mental health field but recently I’ve started leaning towards eating disorder treatment specifically. Maybe later on down the road (20+ years) I’ll want to be a therapist in a clinic or something but right now (as in as soon as I’m done with all my school stuff aka probably 6ish years from now) I want to work in a residential or inpatient setting and I’m really thinking a lot about it being in an eating disorder treatment setting. I’ve never been diagnosed with one nor do I think I have one but I can understand a lot of body image things to a certain extent of course. I know that an eating disorder is more mental than physical and I’m quite experienced with dealing with mental health. I’ll be farther along in my recovery with self harm and BPD before ever working in the field to make sure I am stable enough but I honestly don’t see my level of care ever increasing to more than what I do now and on the opposite end hopefully decreasing soon.

I’m going back to school in the Fall to finish my associates degree. I only need 12 more courses which someone could probably do in 3 semesters one of them a Summer one and therefore only a year but for me I have to take it slow because I don’t want to burn myself out and have to drop out again. I’ll also be working full time as well. So my projected graduation with my associates is Spring 2021 which sounds so far away and so distressing but I’m looking at this as my 2 year plan. I’m a florist manager at my current job, a supermarket I’ve worked at for 9 years. For the past year I’ve been a “floater” and I’ve worked in 7 different stores, sometimes 4 a week. But on Monday I’ll be getting news of my own store!! I’m not sure which one it’ll be but I’m so excited and ready to have some stability again. And I’m seeing this as my new home for the next two years-my final two years at my job. The Summer in between leaving community college and transferring to a 4 year school I’m hoping to be able to find a low entry job in the mental health field. Hopefully a residential, php, iop or inpatient setting as a mental health staff/counselor. I know that the hospital where I’m currently a patient at accepts job applications for MHS with no prior experience nor education and since I’ll only have my associates I’m hoping to find a place like that to work in.

Holy crap this has been so long and probably rambled on from topic to topic but I just wanted to share the exciting news that I finally feel like things are moving in the right direction. It’s a slow move but in the end it’ll be so worth it!

[rcsecoloredx]

⌐ ( june diane raphael. female. she/her. ) i heard that colleen carlilse has been causing some drama lately. i’m pretty sure they live in walden and have been for 2 years, so that’s not really a surprise. they think that the rivalry is a little dumb, but she used to believe in it more when she was from briar glen. the 34 year old is a journalist, right? i heard that even though they’re outgoing & adaptable, they can also be insecure & emotional. i don’t think they want anyone to know this, but she was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. i hope for their sake no one finds out. ⌟

full name: colleen danielle carlilse nicknames: idiot, col, cee birthday: november 30 zodiac: sagittarius  mbti: entp label: the hedonist alignment: chaotic neutral hogwarts house: hufflepuff fictional character comparisons: eleanor shellstrop, ilana wexler, sutton brady

parent/sibling relationship:  

colleen never had a good relationship with her family. she was a bit of a black sheep in their perfect rich family. her dad was a ceo of a tech company, her mother a socialite. she would purposefully ruin parties. we stan.

they cut her off from her money like two years ago because she was using it to travel the world because she was determined to sleep with one person in every country.

she has at least one or two siblings that completely judge her lifestyle. not only is she poly, she’s a writer and has yet to marry a good white boi to bring home to the family tech bis. 

she’s fun at family brunches.

important platonic relationships: 

please give me friends for her tbh

important romantic relationships: 

eva and colleen have been dating since college, they’re practically inseparable. col moved into eva’s when her parents cut her off from their money. she feels super guilty about it, but at least she’s paying rent now.

summer and colleen have just started dating, and col is trying to ruin it and failing which is annoying because “people aren’t supposed to care about me other than eva”

important negative relationships: 

i’d love for her to have a bitch off with someone from briar glen who makes fun of her for being in walden now

more backstory/fun facts/whatever you want: 

she may have a bit of a drinking problem but not enough that it’s.... worth talking about yet.

she literally just up and disappeared about two months ago, and came back a month ago. she used to do this all the time when she had the money to and people were able to be like “she’s in paris! again! it’s fine!” but she has no money anymore so it was pretty sus. SUICIDE ATTEMPT TW she had tried to kill herself, and ended up being put in inpatient care for a month. she was diagnosed with bpd, is on meds now, but refuses to tell anyone.

she’s mostly just freelancing right now when it comes to her job. she can’t even bother getting off her couch long enough to get a job at the local newspaper smh

[sandbox-sandstone]

September 18 2022

!TW DEPRESSION, EATING DISORDERS, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, SELF HARM, MEDICATION, DRUG USE TW!

I feel a downward spiral coming like I’m going to relapse. I don’t know how I’m going to relapse though. Is my ED coming back to rear it’s ugly head? Will I go back to self harm? They aren’t good options, but I can come back from those. I can’t come back to life if I kill myself.

I don’t wanna have another depressive episode where I live in a depression hole but it’s already starting. My stuff is starting to pile up it’s getting hard to walk in my room. Anyway about today. I woke up early and took my meds. I’m on new meds I’m off Olanzapine and on Abilify instead. I also got put on Wellbutrin. I’ve been telling my psychiatrist the truth and now I’ve been diagnosed with BPD and I’m on a lot of drugs. It feels as if I’ve got a life threatening illness but that illness is just me.

Tomorrow I will weigh myself again. I’ve gained 15 pounds recently and it’s been triggering my ED. It’s been years since I’ve been in recovery and I feel it creeping back. I don’t feel beautiful and I feel out of control I crave to have that control back. I’ve worked on my ideas that equate thinness with beauty though so I don’t have the want to be the thinness girl in the room. I just want to fit in my clothes again.

Maybe if I don’t break down and I feel good with myself I can clean my room and go through my clothes and thrift for clothes that fit. Today I’m actually seeing people. I surprisingly made a friend my first semester of college but they ended up dropping out and we fell out of touch. Recently I ran into them at a get together in the woods and we said we should hang out more so we are. I’ll probably get high while I’m there.

I’ve been enjoying smoking weed the more I do it the only problem is I gotta be in a good mood cause it intensifies my feelings. The intrusive thoughts get worse and so does my impulse control so I have to be sure I’m not doing something rash.

It’s been a while since I wrote the earlier stuff

I smoked and drank some it was good. I’m gonna sleep over at my friend’s place it’s closer to campus. My boyfriend got jealous and upset. I think he had the wrong idea of what kinda friendship we had. I reassured him cause I love him. The new friend of mine was upset. I think the weed might’ve hit them too hard.

This completely turned my day around. My friend is going to go meet up with a guy. A shitty guy she hooks up with. I obviously think it’s a bad idea, but I can’t make the choices for her. I feel like me and the people I know act the way they do because of their individual trauma. She’s smoking some more and I kinda want some. I took a hit and I plan to sleep soon. They’re dropping off the friend that was upset. I hope they feel better.

That’s all for today…

[komorebi-and-petrichor]

PINNED POST

ko·mo·re·bi. noun. dappled sunlight that filters through the branches of trees.

pet·ri·chor. noun. a pleasant smell that frequently accompanies the first rain after a long period of warm, dry weather.

Hi there! My name is QiLan, he/him pronouns please!

This is my mental health and recovery positivity blog. I’ll be sharing things that make me feel nice and uplifted, sharing little daily triumphs and pleasures, and answering questions and offering encouragement.

Things to know about me:

- I like gaming, nature, and coming up with stories. I like soft purples, golds, and greens. I’m very introverted so I might not talk back-and-forth too much. I’m something of a problem-solver.

- I’m a part of a professionally-recognized DID system of roughly 20 or so alters. I am not the host, so this blog might run on a queue for a while at a time if I’m not fronting. My system is seeking functional multiplicity and not looking to fuse, but we have no judgement against those who do for the right reasons. Also, even though I’m part of a system, this is my own blog, and usually will just be run by me rather than others.

- We’ve been in therapy for over a year consistently, and this is a recovery-positive space. We are a survivor of immense amounts of trauma of many different kinds (specifics will remain undisclosed). We’ve been diagnosed with Autism/ADHD, PTSD/cPTSD, BPD, AVPD, Social and General Anxiety, and Depression. We also suffer from fairly severe chronic pain and various other physical health problems which I’m not going to disclose specifically, but we’re going through it— but managing as well as we can.

- The body is 21+, intersex, and a POC, currently living just above the poverty line in the United States. Most of us identify as masc or transmasc. We’re in a closed relationship. I personally am 22, he/him, and LGBT.

- This blog will be mostly sfw, but some troubling topics may be brought up, such as mental health struggles and trauma. While I will try not to get too in-depth about issues, anything that I think might be potentially triggering will be tagged appropriately. If you need something tagged, please send an ask or a message to let me know! I want to do my best to curate as safe of an environment as I can.

- I don’t want anything to do with syscourse or other negativity. Anything of that nature sent to my inbox will be deleted without response. That being said, I am not pro-endo. That is the only thing I will say on the matter. If you find my posts helpful or uplifting, you’re welcome to follow and interact, just don’t bring any kind of syscourse into my inbox or messages. I’m just here to share uplifting things.

Askbox Etiquette:

- Anon is on and will stay on. Rude anons will be blocked. One of our protectors will be screening asks for me and deleting those that would make me uncomfortable. It’s within our rights to answer or refuse to answer any ask.

- I’ll do my best to keep up with replying to messages, but I might get overwhelmed.

- While some of my system-mates have a fascination with psychology, none of us are in any way a licensed psychologist or therapist or know anything besides our own experiences, research, things that our therapist has told us, and the college psychology class one of our former hosts took. So take any of my advice with a grain of salt and don’t expect me to be able to solve your problems. I can offer encouragement and kind words, and maybe a little advice if it’s a problem we’ve experienced and worked through, but please consider talking to a real therapist if you can.

- I might not be able to answer questions about relationship problems (romantic or otherwise), as that’s not something I’ve really experienced. I also don’t like talking about religion. You can ask about my life, but keep in mind that I’m an alter and, while I have some knowledge of the body’s history, I don’t have too many consistent memories, since I only recently started fronting more often. I also will not be answering questions about myself too specifically, and will only share what I’m comfortable with.

- If you want me to answer an ask privately, then please just let me know in the ask! I’m more than happy to do that.

- Do not send any NSFW images or deliberately triggering material. Do not send anything with any kind of B*ble verse or Chr*stian language (anything that assumes Chr*stianity is fact/truth). Any of this will be deleted and the sender blocked.

DNI:

- Racist/White Supremacist

- Cons*rvative

- You believe in converting others to your religion

- Anti-Choice/Pro-L*fe

- Ableist

- LGBTQ+phobic

- TERF/Radfem

- Discourse/vague-blogging/drama etc.

- You believe that people should have to pay for basic survival necessities (food, water, shelter, medical care).

- MAP/Pro-MAP

[thewasteland]

Hi I hope your morning/evening is going well! I came here and was wondering if it’s okay to ask for advice or ask if anyone else is going through something similar?

TW: One mention of SH (only mentions the initials)

I recently was diagnosed with BPD which has been helpful but also incredibly stressful with changing therapists and getting into contact with new psychiatrists and all that fun stuff. I opened up to a few really close friends about my diagnosis (and family) and something kinda unexpected happened? My friends who all have diagnosis ranging from autism, adhd, MDD, PTSD, etc. are being kinda insensitive about everything? They keep making these harmful statements like “She can’t do this anymore or she’ll have an episode” or making fun and/or being condescending towards the fact that I took a gap semester and took a break from my job and am now getting back into everything (straight up one friend holds the fact they make $1.00 more than me over my head like ???) “It’s about time you went back” “She might have an episode this isn’t a good idea” I’m really frustrated because A) they aren’t around me when I have episodes I self-isolate and they don’t know anything about what an episode could look like B) they started actually like this after I told them about my diagnosis they never treated me like this before. Also I don’t SH at all, so now they’ve actually tried to take things away from me and laugh about how I will try??? I did open up to them about how i felt but they keep talking over me or you know get all defensive over it and so resolving this actually has been difficult because they won’t listen. I’m just really frustrated and disappointed and honestly becoming so fed up I’m really considering ending some 10+ yr friendships and I really wish I had friends rn who understood what it’s like having this and weren’t treating me like a ticking time-bomb.

Hi anon! It’s definitely ok to drop into our ask box to vent or ask for advice, it’s always open!

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I do know BPD has a lot of stigma surrounding it but I’m so sorry that you’re going through this with your friends, those are such horrible things to say. I don’t know why anyone, especially people who call themselves your friends, would make fun of your pain like that.

I will say I did have a couple similar experiences with friends in college, although mostly they just cut me off when I dropped out :))) but I don’t think I’ve experienced any bullying to the extent that you are, that sounds truly awful.

I will post your question and tag it to see if anyone else has advice for ya. My personal advice would be to cut those people off and find new friends, maybe even a support group for people with BPD? Idk what kind of options are available to you. But the sad truth is you can’t educate someone who doesn’t respect you, and it doesn’t sound like your friends are showing you any respect or love right now, which is what you deserve. There are better people out there, I promise 💖

Again, I’m really sorry to hear you’re experiencing this. People can be so disgustingly ableist and act like mental disorders are a funny joke and it’s so horrible when these conditions can be debilitating or even lethal.

I hope you’re holding up ok anon, and if you ever wanna reach out we’re here for ya. Best of luck💖💖

[jasperjk]

starting this bevause a friend introduced me to tumblr again (f). i want to try journaling a little bit on here. maybe, i’ll probably give up on it eventually.

a lot of my posts might be like, vague, or not specific because i go through a lot and it’s hard to describe things in detail, especially on writing. i’ve always had a hard time writing about my feelings because it’s just all too much and it can make it really hard to process.

first off. my name is jasper. i’m 18 and a non-binary/woman? i think? very confused at the moment. my pronouns are she/they and i’m queer. i work at starbucks and i hang out with my friends during my free time. my friends are j, f, and g. i love them with my whole heart. my other friends are n, c, and v but we’re become distant recently. i might be lowkey in love with j but that’s a different story.

i’m going to college in the fall and i have no idea what i want to do with my life. as of right now i’m majoring in psych with a minor in WGS but i definitely want to change my major, but i don’t know what to. i love music and i might try that again? who knows

i am diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and ptsd. i’m pre-diagnosed with BPD because i was a minor when they wanted to diagnose me. i am reaching towards the official diagnosis though. i also believe i have ADHD and dpdr. i’m going to a psychiatrist soon to try and set these in stone but i’m a lazy fuck who always puts things off to the last minute.

my family includes my dad and step mom, l and e, and then two little rat children who i don’t give a fuck about and i won’t write about them much. my mom passed seven years ago.

i might use this as a place to rant about the people i hate indirectly. i don’t plan on having people find this account because this is just for me and it’s not going to be a form of social media. so if this ends up causing drama i don’t give a fuck because this is going to be my outlet.

so yeah. there’s kind of an introduction. let’s see how this goes. (picture of grand canyon that i took for fun)

[hide-the-cutlery]

It’s one of those stupid nights where I keep checking my phone, just hoping to see something from someone.

I’m lonely. The kind of lonely that digs at your insides.

I had a really vivid dream about my ex last night. I was in a car with I think (?) his actual girlfriend/fiancée/wife, and his mom was there, talking to us. She was talking about him finishing his high school diploma (he graduated irl, with me, actually, but I didn’t know him at the time...) and then start college. And, as it always is in these dreams, he’s not with me, and I’m trying to get him to talk or listen to me, because I’m desperately telling him he’s with the wrong girl... that it’s me, not her (whoever she might be).

In this dream, I spoke to her. I asked if they’d ever broken up, and she said yes. I asked why, and she said because of some other woman, and I asked “Nicole?” And she said yes! I laughed. A big, ugly, fake, “I knew it!”, sucks for you, laugh. I don’t remember what really happened after that. I did have sleep paralysis in either that dream or another one later in the afternoon. I slept a lot today. Sleep paralysis is terrifying. I kept trying to move and thinking I did move, only to realize I was actually still frozen. I even tried to yell for someone to come wake me, but I think only a nonsense muffle came out, if anything. The strange part was I trying to get my vibrator (which hasn’t seen any action in like 2+ years) and a toy I don’t even have anymore. Finally, I woke up. I tend to have sleep paralysis when I take naps. And sexual dreams. Fun fact: I have orgasms in my sleep. And believe me, they’re very real. I guess I at least get some tension out that way, because I don’t even try anymore. To touch on an entry I think I started yesterday, the last time I actually enjoyed sex (besides when I was with a woman) was my ex, who shares a name with one of my celebrity crushes. He’s most known for playing a certain “villain” in a very popular space saga, but he is a phenomenal actor in everything I’ve seen from him. (It’s Adam Driver 🙄)

Anyways, (my) Adam was special, but I was too deep in my disease to see it. Well, I did see it, I just didn’t know what to do with it. He was on pills, and I was drinking heavily. We both were. I used to be floored with how fast he’d go through bottles of Percocet and Soma, along with alcohol, when now I go through my meds just as fast. He loved nature and was a very emotional person. I’ve never seen a guy cry so much, but it was okay. I liked how vulnerable and open he could be. When I was sad, he’d play his guitar and sing to me. I miss that — a lot. He wanted to go off and live in a commune, and I wanted to be a doctor with a nice house with a “white picket fence”, all that. We both couldn’t see the merit in each other’s visions. I’d take off with him to a commune right now if I could. I think of messaging him all the time, but I’m too shy. I check every so often to see if he’s still on my Facebook. (He is.) Funny I worry about interacting with someone I once shared such an intimate bond with.

I got into it with my family again. I tried to have a conversation with them regarding how difficult it will be to get a job with all that’s going on. It was supposed to be just a neutral thing, but it blew up, like always. They don’t understand how my poor mental health is impairing my general functioning. I don’t understand why my mental health is impairing me so much. I don’t know what’s going on with me, but I’m getting tired of it. I need more help than I’m getting. I tried to get more help than I’m getting, and it didn’t work out. It was no fault of my own.. last year I was supposed to spend a few weeks in an inpatient facility, and I got accepted, but my insurance wouldn’t cover it because I hadn’t been hospitalized recently enough. I could get myself hospitalized, easily, but I feel like that’s a bad idea and I should avoid that. But I wouldn’t have to tell a single lie to get baker acted.

Q: Do you think about hurting yourself or other people?

-I did last week.

Q: Do you think about suicide?

-Constantly.

Q: Do you want to kill yourself?

-I don’t know. I’m just so tired. Things aren’t working out in this life, and since I got sober, I can’t think of a single thing that makes this miserable existence worth it (besides my cats, and their lives aren’t good because I can’t give them something better). Maybe what comes after this is better. I like to think our spirits are working their way through the Universe. Sometimes I’m ready to just say “okay, this one (existence) sucks — NEXT.”

Who knows — maybe something good would come of it. I met Adam in a hospital, in the psych ward, after we’d both been baker acted. They gave me Remeron to sleep, and it made my legs give out. I crawled out of my room to get a nurse, and he was sitting in a red, comfy chair outside my doorway. He helped me get off the floor and got me a nurse. He waited with me while me and the nurses waited to hear back from the on-call doctor. We were both really drugged, and he talked to me about books. I think he was telling me he was really into Lewis Carroll. I’d read Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland at least, so I didn’t look that stupid. He would get the vegetarian meals (I can’t recall if I did, too), and we’d make fun of them. I remember when I got discharged and my dad came to get me, we were leaving, and I saw him on my way out. He had elected to stay a few days extra, but we hugged and swapped numbers. About a month later, I sent him a text, and within a few weeks, we hung out a few times, and had one crazy night together that I don’t think either of us expected, but we definitely wanted it. Then we got separated for a while, but stayed in contact — phone calls and letters. I loved his letters. He’d adorn them with lyrics and doodles, just like I do. I kept them all. What a sweet guy. God, I’m so tempted right now. Just to say “hi there, I wonder how you’re doing (a lot? Frequently? From time to time? Occasionally?), and I hope it’s well.” Why can’t I just say that? Ugh, I’m such a pussy.

Anyway, my parents and I fought again. My dad did acknowledge that I have health problems, but I know he thinks I’m making too much of them or is in complete denial. My mother just doesn’t get it. She twists my words and tries to make me sound nasty, condescending, lazy, etc... I asked my dad how old I was when they realized I wasn’t “right”, and he kinda dodged the question, saying he never really thought I wasn’t “right”. I’ve been talking to a friend a lot lately, one of the only people who understands me. She seems to think I might be a survivor of childhood (sexual?) abuse, because she is herself, and says comparing my behavior and demeanor to hers and other abuse survivors, I just scream TRAUMA. I brushed it off at first, but I’m realizing some things, like my lack of memories as a child and the fear I felt as a child that I still carry with me today. I guess there’s more, like the way I respond to people, my anxiety, “The Third” part of me, how I disassociate at times, my rampant addictions... the list goes on. Maybe she’s on to something, or maybe she’s planting falsities in my already crooked mind. I do know she’s brought me to a very unique state two or three times now, where it’s like I’m having terrifying epiphanies. Why can’t my therapists work that hard at cracking me?

I don’t think I’ve written about “The Third” yet — not by name at least. The Third is the part of me that separates itself from the rest of me (I imagine it to hover over my right shoulder) that talks to me in stressful situations. It’s typically always criticism of my behavior or accusing me of lying. “Shut up! You know that’s not true! They don’t care! You sound stupid! Why the fuck did you say that?! You’re an idiot! Tell the truth! Tell the fucking truth!” At first he didn’t have a name, but I guess he and I came up with “The Third” together, because people are typically two things: mind and body. This is a third extension of me. Maybe everyone has a part of them hovering over them, smashing their nose in the dirt, or maybe not. I tried to tell my psychiatrist about him, but he was pretty dismissive. He did, however, change up all my meds again. He put me on something he said he’s seen work well for people who are having mixed episodes of bipolar disorder. I’ve never been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, although my last therapist (who told me I had BPD) said she “wasn’t sure” I didn’t have it. I don’t think I have it. I’ve had some manic spells, for sure, and I guess I do have depression, even though I don’t like to admit it. For some reason, I’m not okay with the thought of just having depression. I feel like my symptoms are too much for just having MDD. I’ve been on practically every SSRI on the market, and I just don’t respond to them. He’s dropped the phrase “treatment-resistant depression”, but I think it’s more likely that I’m being misdiagnosed. My big problems are my bizarre thinking, anxiety, and panic attacks, not depression. The things that make me sad are situational. I know situational depression can turn into clinical depression quickly, but I still don’t consider it what I most importantly need help with.

In other news, we acquired Tom Brady, and Biden won FL. For shame.

[pretty-volatile]

Journal entry

Thursday, June 6th, 2019 1:40am

So I realized I haven't really journaled in a hot minute and I'm trying to keep track of shit so I know what to bring up when I finally see the psychiatrist.

First of all, only 15 more days until my appointment. I'm still self medicating with weed, but my usage varies day to day. Some days I don't need to smoke AS much, some days I need a lot of help, some days I'm okay but I just want to have fun. My tolerance is higher so I can do daytime use without being affected really. I feel it helps with the anger episodes too. It used to teeter between being helpful/unhelpful for when I was feeling down. Sometimes it would make the overthinking worse because it'd be harder to pull myself out. Lately, I've been exploring my emotions more and being high just helps me open up but kind of numbs some of the pain I might experience. It's more of an emotional trip.

Second of all, I really fucked up this quarter. I'm a 4th year college student and I had already accepted that I need longer, but like. I am worried that I might get kicked out lol. I was Subject to Dismissal ever since I failed my entire Winter Quarter 2018. Oops. Then the next quarter I thought I was going to be able to pick shit back up but then I couldn't keep up so I dropped out of the quarter Week 10 (literally the last week of the quarter lolol). Ever since then I've been trying so damn hard to keep school up while my mental health just kept failing me. I'd start out new every new beginning of a quarter and then by Week 4 I'd start falling behind because I just didn't want to do anything. I couldn't. But then there was a time or two that I was able to pick my ass back up and got decent enough grades to go onto the next thing. This quarter started out pretty well. I was on top of shit til about Week 5 or 6 or something. But I fucking finally cracked this quarter. I had started to pick up on some of my habits, and then I looked up Borderline Personality Disorder and I just lost it. I opened the floodgates to some memories that I had forgotten about or blocked out. Everything started to connect and I started to experience trauma on top of present reality. It was TERRIBLE. Still is but like. It was just so overwhelming to recognize things I didn't even know I did or I didn't know that they weren't okay. Then I reached out to my therapist and I was like I think I have BPD. Of course she couldn't diagnose me because she's not a psychiatrist, but she has experience with supper groups for folx with BPD and she has experience with DBT. But she kept bringing up that she thought it was more likely that I have bipolar disorder. I was still set on BPD. Trying to think of all the symptoms that I experience and match with. I was obsessed with proving there was something wrong with me or that I needed help. Part of me was also thinking "There has to be something wrong because if not, then I really am just a piece of shit...." My insomnia has been pretty bad, which the only thing that helps is...you guessed it!....weed. which sometimes it fed into it too so I'd have to smoke so much that I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I started to accept the possibility of bipolar disorder too and I was trying to pay attention to my mood(s) more too. Since I was aware of the symptoms of BPD and then later on bipolar, I was starting to pick up when a change was starting to happen so I could warn my partner. At one point my mood was like I was starting over again every single day. It'd start out moderately good and then by the end of the night I'd be breaking down crying about how I didn't want to go to bed just to start the whole day over again. During that time it was EXTREMELY hard to pull myself out of my depression/emptiness. Then once that nightmare stopped my mood switched to being hypomanic for about 6 days. Then right when I needed to get my shit together for school, I started to fall again. At first it was a numb "I don't want to do anything, life is dull, what's the point, fuck it". Then I just became really really sad overall. I didn't want to get out of bed or do chores. I didn't go to class. It was just TOO MUCH but like it made me feel like shit because I knew I needed to go.

Oh and all while I was experiencing most of this, my therapist has been away on medical leave since May 17th and the last time that I actually talked to her was yesterday (6/5 @ 1pm) but it was just for a brief 20 minute call. But we'll be able to pick things right back up when she gets back. I only have to wait 11 more days, so that's good.

Oh and my like impulsive behaviors/reckless shit (for me) was like spending money on food outside of groceries way more than I should have....I got a really bad case of the fuck its and I couldn't really say no because if I didn't buy snacks and food that we didn't have to make we wouldn't have eaten (we as in my partner & I) because of my lack of motivation and energy to do anything at all. I got to use my eating disorder as an excuse to feed into my impulses, oops. Oh and of course I'm addicted to smoking cigarettes and like I smoke weed all the fucking time so I guess those could be some other "reckless" behaviors :P I don't really drink much because of my mother's alcoholism and PTSD. I've had tendencies in the past and when I turned 21 I had a bit of a freak out, but now I'm just like. I'll drink if everyone else is too or if it's for a show or if I just wanted some tall can of yummy stuff at home. Otherwise I REALLY prefer being stoned. It lasts longer. There's not really any PTSD associated with it, debatable but still. It helps me get over the anxiety of dealing with people or strangers specifically. Unfamiliar places with a shit ton of people are definitely a trigger for some panic episode or anger episode. I'll turn into a sour bitch for no reason other than that all the people freaked me out that much. I'm very much like I want a whole separate world for my partner & I and our friends so that we don't have to deal with shitty or creepy people....I like people once I get to know them and stuff but otherwise I'm just like SocIalIZing? Psssh ha...no. That also made it difficult to go to class because I got antisocial as fuck. I LOVE going for walks and doing errands while stoned and listening to music, but like...interacting with people? Having attention drawn onto me? Nooooooo thanx.

Finding out the BPD stuff though weirdly helped me to start talking to other humans again? Kind of? I mean it was mostly me like venting or whatever but I was actually talking to people? (Via messaging mostly) lololol the funniest thing is that a fp was the reason I even looked up BPD. I developed a "crush" first and then later I looked up BPD because I was like ya know... I wanna know. I looked it up once before because there was a time that we thought my mom had BPD. Come to find out, she had bipolar instead. But I remember the first time I looked it up I was like "ha! Some of these symptoms/signs are personally calling me out" but I was mostly looking at it to understand my mom so I wasn't really thinking about myself that much. Plus when I looked it up first, I was still disassociating pretty bad that I wasn't entirely aware of what I was doing or how I was feeling. But when I looked it up the second time... literally EVERYTHING or just about everything that was coming up was exactly how I was feeling or how I have felt in the past. Then I found out about the Favorite Person thing and I was like oof, that's some...that's some shit right there. I still have to sort out what relationships/crushes were actually crushes or just a fp thing that eventually faded away into me not talking to them anymore. That was really fun to admit to my fp that they were the reason I looked up BPD. Lol but we did have a good conversation and like I tried to talk to other people that either understood second hand or first hand. Another person I talked to has BPD, and the other already has mental health issues and his fiance has BPD (so they both understand). Found I am/was an fp to another person that I apparently inspired him to finally go get the help he needs, but like he just had to fuck it up recently by bringing up a touchy subject. I can only imagine how angry or upset he is with me for not responding, which is also why I don't want to answer because I'm too scared with that kind of pressure of being someone's fp 😭😓🙈🙊 sorry bud....just had to bring up something that happened to be a touchy topic 😅

Lately I've really been trying to use music to get me through shit again. Back in high school all I would do at home was stay up, listen to music, draw, write poetry, watch movies, stay up on my phone or laptop. And I was creative as fuck! I've been trying to listen to old music, which also helped me realized just how much help I need(ed) because of how much I would relate to this music and this music was like really deep and really...just it was concerning that is as so young and connecting with what these adults are singing about. It also helped unlock memories. unlocked old feelings. Lots of drifting. But now my music listening is a little more controlled and I used to go on these emotional trips full of memories and just letting myself get swept off into it. I probably can only do this successfully since I eventually said fuck it to the rest of this quarter. (I saved one class but uh unless my professors can make my BPD/bipolar go away then there's nothing we can do.) But like the emotional trips have been really therapeutic for me honestly. Sometimes I feel a little "aw fuck that's all I did today, oops". But other than that it's been helpful. I was also able to draw! I've done like 3 drawings within the like past week ish. Which is more than I thought I'd be able to do. For the longest time I was so blocked off from my emotions and thoughts, I'd feel like drawing but once I sat down it was hard to start it or finish it. Or I'd be able to do like 1 good one every few months. Back in high school I was constantly drawing and even into the beginning of college, but once I started disassociating it was like bye bye creative motivation. Obviously I don't want to take advantage of this burst of creative motivation but like it feels REALLY good. I eventually want to get back into poetry too. I'm actually an art hoe, but when I disassociated I like had no drive to document anything nor the mental capacity/awareness to connect the dots. Which really cramped on me being artsy because my whole art experience is fluid, just let it take me where I need to go. I did some poetry within the last year though. Mainly relating to addiction/alcoholism/insomnia. I'm very much an emotional set type person. It's almost always centered around a feeling or situation that invokes feelings/thoughts.

Okay that's even impressive that I got this much of journaling done, but I think I should stop now. This is long enough and now my thoughts are just kinda scattered and I'm too tired to keep coming back to any points I'm making. This was meant to just be a check in but it turned into like a full on documentation of how I've been feeling or whatever. Whew exhausted. Maybe I'll jot shit down again later after I reread my post later. Goodnight for now ✌

[hookedleviathan]

This is a story (rant) about a boy

CW / TW - mental health (anxiety, panic attacks, depression, BPD), hospitalization, hooking up, heartbreak

Alright.

So.

I vented to a co-worker for five minutes today and it wasn’t enough.

Let’s call him DEFCON - because that’s a name of a poem I wrote about him that leads up to nuclear destruction, which sounds about right.

I met DEFCON almost a year ago in July through a friend of a friend. We hooked up (by that I mean between making out and having sex because there’s no way my mental health will let me do a one night stand nope) and exchanged numbers and oh yeah I had a panic attack right in front of him like less than 24 hours after meeting him because boys give me anxiety attacks that last for a few days but normally the next morning, not the during. And while he didn’t know what to do or how to respond / help me, he was incredibly sweet.

Flash ahead to November. We’re on our 3rd round of hooking up -- he asks if I’m looking for a relationship. I say yes, because always. He explains that while he’s flattered, he plans to go away to school in Florida (which is very out of state and very gross) and doesn’t want to start a relationship with someone only to lead them on. Super commendable and sweet of him.

Flash ahead to February. Take that cutie petewtie up to my bedroom, have a lackluster hookup, then stay awake for four hours just talking with him. During this talk, I mention my own mental health & help him explore his own. He had the misconception that depression meant feeling a lot of sadness -- I clarified that it also means lack of motivation, sometimes lack of any feelings, low self-esteem... Put shortly, I helped him realize that he has depression. 

I showed him a painting of a rabid, barking dog that I’d recently finished because that’s what I think of when I think of my depression: a dog that I didn’t ask to adopt, that I can’t send to a pound or vet to put down. It’s a beast that may bite me or others, and I am responsible for it, and I must train it, and I can train it. He was awestruck over this painting.

Flash ahead to March. My depression got to be the worst I’ve ever had. I decided to try medication. He and I texted back and forth about our doctor visits and we started on SSRIs on the same day. Like a macabre, dark humor romance story.

Flash ahead to the end of April. He asks if I have a Snapchat. Of course I do because I’m not a cavewoman. I add him. We share some mundane photos. Then, he sends me a photo of himself with the caption “I want to ask you out on a date” I am over the moon -- I’ve harbored so much love and pain with DEFCON, and I was thrilled by the prospect of a date after this handful of hookups.

---Let me also insert: I know that putting in time and energy and love into someone does not mean that they owe you romantic love. My intention was never to “be a good enough friend until we can date”. I have both platonic and romantic interest in this boy, and to have the prospect of growing our relationship in this direction was exciting to me. Because, like, I kinda feel like I could marry this guy. Maybe. But that’s dramatic and obsessive of me ---

Flash forward to the end of May: I’m graduating college, about to move out, about to move into a new place, about to start a new job... and DEFCON notifies me that he got a girlfriend. So I’m crushed.

But it can’t just end there.

The language he used in his text messages to me conveyed that “she’s okay with me still being friends with you”, as if his view of our relationship is conditional, as though suggesting that he’d stop communicating with me because he just got a girlfriend.

He also never once asked how I felt about this situation and never initiated a discussion of what this change in dynamic would mean for our relationship.

So I send him like 500 seconds worth of Snapchat videos of me ranting about how he has been treating me more like a therapist than a friend, that I deserve better, that he needs to show even a fraction of the investment in me that I show in him, that I should matter to him whether or not he has a girlfriend, and that I still care about him and want to work through these difficulties with him.

Flash forward to the start of June: DEFCON texts me to let me know that he is going to the ER for his mental health and will not be reachable for 3-5 days and that he loves me. This is the first time he says these words to me. I know to interpret them platonically -- though there is a part of me that side-eyes that word choice with how our relationship has been going.

Middle of June, around my birthday: he sends me a Snapchat of a pic of a tattoo that he’s designing, then of it a few days later on his arm. It’s a rabid dog. Now, I know that I might be projecting, so I don’t ask too much about it, but I side-eye again, thinking “Huh, well isn’t that familiar...?”

Start of July and yesterday: Radio silence from him, which is typical. If I don’t initiate conversation, I won’t hear from him. Even when I initiate, responses take days. But that’s how it’s always been, and I have other friends with mental health difficulties, so even though I have my own difficulties with self worth and validation, I initiate conversations and interactions with most of my friends.

I reach out and ask how he’s doing. He tells me that he’s been scared to talk to me. When I ask why, he explains that he was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and he’s been in and out of the hospital for the past month for his mental health. We text back and forth about his changing condition, and I send him a super long text message validating him and saying how proud I am for addressing his mental health, wishing him well, etc etc.

He decides to call me. We talk like it hasn’t been, what? 4 months since I’ve heard his voice? We click right off the bat, and he tells me that I inspire him. He explains that the new tattoo of a rabid dog was inspired by my painting.

So I’m over the moon again. I’m excited to see him again at the end of July.

He sends me his Instagram info saying “it’s important”, so I add him even though now I’ve got like 3 people I’m following because I just made the damn thing a month ago. So I’m scrolling through the feed, and guess what pops up? A Tinder screenshot of girls he’s been chatting with.  

So I’m crying.

And since this social media platform has just become my paddle in Shit Creek, I start rowing. Another Instagram screenshot of a girl asking why he’s on Instagram if he’s been told & understands that it’s no good for his mental health (since people with BPD especially struggle with forming and maintaining constant relationships & self esteem & self image) and he tells her off and writes in the caption that he feels proud for doing so and knows it was best despite her being “an obsession to get over”

So I’m crying again, because I agree with the girl, and also oh yeah been crushing on this boy for a year and also being a good friend to him and oh yeah we’ve still not talked about that April date?

Another Instagram screenshot: a girl opening a convo with “Remember that time I blew you in my basement?” to which he responds “Good times”

So I’m crying harder because I did not want to know that and what? Why did he so badly want me to add him on Instagram? So he could tell me without telling me that it looks like he’s broken up with his girlfriend and he’s looking for some kind of a relationship with some girl?

But I don’t feel broken by it.

It’s probably the SSRIs talking, but yesterday, even when my emotions were rising up, my logic stayed in control. I didn’t feel totally lost and shattered by this. I felt wounded, but still standing. Out of the ashes I rise with my red hair and eat men like air and all that.

And I’m still so willing to forgive him.

And I’m not even upset with him, but I’m upset with myself for letting him have this power over me. I’m upset that I relax all these regulations of friendship for him but wouldn’t dare stay friends with anyone else who would pull this shit. I’m upset with how my own emotional abuse wasn’t enough of a red flag, but finally, seeing how he decides to utilize an application that encourages forming ephemeral relationships despite it damaging his mental health and harming others around him. He is teaching his dog to chew and belch out disposable woman, and I am not okay with that.

I’m not looking forward to seeing him at the end of July at this festival where I’ll be performing poetry, but I know it will happen, and now, I hope to every deity that he’ll be there when I read my poem DEFCON. I hope that I’ll be able to have a long talk with him. I hope that I’ll be able to stand up for myself.

Because for the past year, I’ve continued our relationship the way I want to: with intimacy, support, love, kindness, and asserting frequent contact. But soon, I might have to act the way I need to: by letting him go.

[borderlinebabyjesus]

Okay here we go….for BPD awareness month day 31.

Day 31: Post a picture of yourself and tell us your story.

Not all my pictures are like this lol this is a photo from a bunch of pics I took recently for an ID and it was the most recent in my camera roll. I don’t have quite the energy to talk about my whole story or go into detail about things so I’ll just highlight things and generalize.

I grew up in a somewhat physically and emotionally abusive home. My childhood wasn’t bad, but it definitely wasn’t normal. My dad was an alcoholic and although he got sober when I was 6, his addict tendencies show through constantly. I had some anxiety and depression earlier in life but it came in in full swing when my dad had a heart attack when I was 12. I was honestly more angry and confused than upset. He’s still alive. After his surgery he literally was doing the opposite of everything the doctors told him, and I along with my family would plead with him to try to take care of himself but he only responded with anger. I took it personally and felt neglected by him and began to hate him, which has lessened a tiny bit over the years but we still have basically no relationship. The next big bump that really set things off was when I was 16. My parents and I had a huge physical fight and that’s when I realized my parents hitting me and hurting me physically was not normal, that this shouldn’t be happening, even though it was drilled into me throughout my childhood that it was just discipline and I rarely questioned it. I got really depressed and suicidal. A DCF case opened up and my parents hated me for it for awhile. Luckily that only lasted like 6 months because DCF fucking sucks. I’ve always had bumps, some bigger than others in my relationship with my mom but I know that I love her and she’s definitely important to me. Especially since my dad has always been emotionally absent and shitty. There’s a teacher I became really close with when that stuff was happening with my family when I was 16 and she was basically my surrogate mother. I later realized that she had been my FP. Big time. She definitely saved me and kept me alive for awhile but long story short after a while she couldn’t manage it anymore and abandoned me. Which shattered me but I’ve slowly been moving on from it. Just last week I was sexually assaulted by one of my best friends. I’ve been pretty numb to it so I’m not sure if I’m over it or just suppressing.

Those are some highlights. I’m gonna list my hospitalizations, target behaviors, and diagnoses.

Hospitalizations: October 2015, November/December 2015, February/March 2016, and June/July 2016 for suicidal ideation. January 2016 and October 2016 for suicide attempts (both overdoses).

Target behaviors: self harm (mainly cutting and burning)– now almost 6 months clean, substance abuse (alcohol and benzos)— I just started smoking weed again regularly but I was totally sober and have still been abstinent from alcohol and benzos for a little over 7 months, restricted eating.

Diagnoses: general anxiety, major depression, borderline personality disorder, and EDNOS, all professionally diagnosed. I think I have PTSD symptoms due to trauma but idk if that would be diagnosable or if it just manifests in my BPD, so for now I’ve self diagnosed myself with it.

If you’ve read all the way down to here, thank you. I know I just talked about some heavy stuff so I wanna end this on a lighter note. I used to hate, and still kinda do, when people say “it gets better”, but it honestly does. Or I like to say “it doesn’t always get better, but it becomes easier to manage”. And it’s worth it. I haven’t been hospitalized in over 7 months when at one point the most I could go out of the hospital was 5 weeks. I’ve been privileged enough to have completed an intensive outpatient DBT program which although for much of the time I was resistant to it, it helped me so much. And my therapist has kept me alive and is my best friend/ FP. I have some wonderful supportive people in my life and am going to be starting college in the fall. I still feel suicidal a lot, but I’ve learned that it can’t be an option for me. And I can find value in things that make me even the slightest bit happy, and glad that I’m still alive.

Although I’ve made it clear I’m not a professional, please message me if you ever need to talk!!!! xoxo I love you all

[justemotionalabusethings]

♤ 1/2? I'm trying to decide if it counts as something akin to PTSD: when I was in high school I was taking college courses, and the workload was so much that I didn't have time to focus on my chores. When my parents confronted me about it, I said that I felt like I was going crazy (I actually had depression and DID then, they didn't know). My dad straight up told me I was just manipulating them and trying to get their sympathy.

♤ 2/2 Since then (3 years ago now), whenever I have panic attacks, I force away any help and the attack gets worse because I feel like I’m just faking everything to get comfort and attention. That’s gotten worse recently because I got diagnosed with BPD so theres even more issues stacked on. So I guess two questions. One is, can I classify this as PTSD or is there a better word for it? And two, is there anything I can do to make this go away? It’s so scary and I don’t know what to do.

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i’m sorry you’re struggling with this, you don’t deserve it at all. :( i’m not an expert, nor am i diagnosed (officially or by myself) with PTSD but from what you’ve said this doesn’t sound like PTSD, just the result of trauma. PTSD is the result of trauma, but not all trauma causes PTSD. as for making the panic attacks go away, besides medication or therapy which may or may not be available, i find when i have high anxiety moments (i dont get panic attacks) i watch food stim or paint mixing videos, so maybe that or something like it would help? i think the fact that it’s distracting me from the anxiety makes it helpful, so anything that would distract you can help!