#i want him irl so badly this is unhealthy

[aimedis]

everytime i finish a sam audio i feel so empty inside (he should empty insi-) like he's literally my man?? wdym i need to wait another 1-2 months to hear new content from him????

hes so fine i'm going crazy, i need to BE darlin' so bad

[unhappy-last-resort]

Broken Scars and Burning Cards (Yandere Scar X GN Reader)

Warnings: Implied past abuse (Reader), feeling of being broken because of it, seeking out unhealthy relationships instead of healthy ones, mentions of physical scars (not specified what kind)

A/N: This is specifically exploring the feeling of being broken and afraid of healthy relationships and finding "safety" in an unhealthy one because it's 4AM. Please do not actually chase after toxic people IRL to soothe your pain, it will not work.

Word count: 833

Status: not edited

You know you should run, that the black sheep above you is nothing more than a mask for something monstrous, a lie to get you to lay down with your back bare and let him run his claws over your scars and run his fingers over your jagged edges.

You knew that all too well because you had been hurt and broken so many times to know, but something about this time felt so different than before.

You could never settle into relationships easily, for the most part you ran away from them every time you felt someone get too close to something delicate, to something that might hurt them.

But when he showed up next to you that day when you were alone, his messy white and red hair, burn scar on one half of his face, a smell of fire and looking all too eager to devour you whole, glass shards and all, your breath shuddered.

You didn't accept his offer immediately, you were smarter than that, smart enough to know that despite whatever misplaced flutter of your heart that it was in your best interest to stay far, far away from him.

But he never left you alone.

Every day you'd catch a glimpse of his unforgettable red outfit, a flash of his black cards in the corner of your eyes, and every night you could hear his voice phantom whispering in your ear of how badly he wanted to taste the scars on your flesh and hold the pieces left of you so tightly that they started to become a part of him too.

Perhaps it was just brainwashing, or your own insecurities and fears of never being loved that drove you to seek the comfort of someone worse than you.

You can feel his breath hot on your throat, his hands digging into the ground at either side of your head, a wolf ready to hold down its catch before feasting on it. You know this is bad, you know this is stupid, but it's so hard to run from something so familiar even when it's so dangerous.

He tastes you, you can feel the tip of his tongue run across the outer edge of your soul, it cuts him and he bleeds, but he savors it and he holds you so closely, too closely. It hurts. It hurts, but it hurts so nicely too.

The dig of his nails on your flesh, a warning, a refusal, a lesson, and you know it so well and you lean into it. You let yourself fall into that familiar grip, let yourself feel the familiar feeling of teeth sinking into your flesh, you let yourself breath in the smokey fumes that he called his cologne.

You breathed in slowly, feeling pain stab your lungs and poke through your ribs and you felt him twist in response, hands elongating into larger, monstrous, black ones, legs twisting into hooves and the light pressure of his head was replaced with the overwhelming sense of a skull far larger than your own leaning over you.

His shadow enveloped you and his nostrils breathed you in with pride. He nuzzled his snout against your neck, his breath tickling your face as his pointer finger traveled down your spine, memorizing the shape.

"Humans..." He whispered, as close as a monster could get to it. "Are such ugly creatures. They hurt, kill, and pillage everyone around them. Just look what they did to you, surely you've grown tired of being shackled to those beings?"

The feeling of his finger disappears and instead you feel a hand larger than your torso lay over your back and press down. A threat. "Join me and I will promise you the finest seat to their demise before we set things right and build the world anew."

His fingers curl around your form and you panic, thrashing to get away from the threat, prompting a growl from above you as he harshly stabs his claws into your body and hoists you up, flipping you over so you can truly see the monstrous beast in front of you.

His eyes have multiplied into four, two on each side, one big and one small, both with that rectangular slit that all goats and sheep have. His grey mane is held back by two large, black horns curling forward towards you. You can feel the expectation of his presence, you can see where the fire lays just below his veins should you refuse.

You can already feel yourself start to regret this choice as his nails sink ever deeper into your skin. Just like the time before, and the time before that, you have no choice and you weren't sure there ever really was one.

The only thing you were left to wonder, just like last time, and the time before that, as he trilled at your acceptance of the situation, was how long would it be until you could carve yourself an escape again.

[wheretheharekissesthefox]

Confusing Cruising - Chapter 4

Astarion's pissed - seething with rage, really - since his abusive ex-boyfriend/boss/most influential lawyer in Baldur's Gate had taken everything from him. So, naturally, he self-medicates by drowning himself in work and running on the treadmill. While at the gym, he sees a cute guy and decides to have some fun. Nothing serious, of course... And Astarion's fucked.

Trigger warning (18+): Alternative Universe - Modern Setting, No Magic, No Vampire, No Wizard, Graphic Description of Sex, Smut, Anal Sex, Anilingus, Fingering, Rimming, Switching, Cum Eating, Past Abuse, PTSD, Unhealthy Anger Management, Food Aversion, Gale's Low Self-Esteem, Exercise instead of Therapy (don't try this at home, kids), (Failed) Cruising, Car Sex (Author strongly advises against this irl) Hand Creme as Lube (Don't try this at home kids), Lawyer!Astarion, Professor!Gale

Scowling, Astarion was running on the treadmill, music blaring into his eardrums.

"Smoke on the water, a fire in the sky.

Smoke on the water.

Burn it down."

He was definitely burning something down, his own dignity that is.

It had happened three more times. They'd gone to the gym, had done their respective workout, had showered, and then had jerked each other off while kissing until their lips were numb.

"Something takes a part of me.

You and I were meant to be.

A cheap fuck for me to lay.

Something takes a part of me."

But Astarion craved more. He wanted to feel Gale's dick in his mouth, wanted to taste him, fuck him, and be fucked by him. He was lost to his lust. Gale was no longer a one-time hookup, he was his regular and sole partner. Astarion was fucked.

The sixth time they found themselves entangled, Astarion's determined to get Gale's dick in his mouth. That had been his plan since day one. But, as soon as he'd kneeled down, Gale shied away again.

"Stop being a spoilsport!" hissed Astarion angrily, glaring up at him.

"Not here," Gale said, pulling the other man back onto his feet. Oh, interesting. So, it was no longer "We should be safe" but "Let's not do this here". Astarion squinted at him and asked: "What are you playing at?"

"Nothing. I simply don't want to be more intimate in a gym's shower stall. You deserve better, Astarion."

"Just because I jerked you off a couple of times doesn't mean you're an expert on my needs now!" hissed Astarion, moodily.

"Of course not, that's not at all what I was implying. I -"

"Just shut up and fuck me!" Astarion snapped back.

"Oy! Not in here! Don't be disgusting!" shouted someone in the changing room. Astarion groaned irritated.

"Now, you ruined the mood!"

With an angry huff, he banged open the shower stall door and rushed over to his locker, ignoring the accusing glares he received left and right. Glowering, he packed his things and stomped to the parking lot. It was already getting dark outside, the cold November wind biting his face.

"Wait! Astarion!"

Gale ran after him.

"What else do you want? I'm no longer in the mood," growled Astarion, unlocking his car.

"That's not why - I'd never do anything without your explicit - I just want to talk to you," Gale stammered. "We're dancing around each other and I'd like to go on a proper date with you."

Astarion gave him a sharp look.

"Why?"

"Pardon?"

"Why do you want to go on a date with me? We don't know each other, we're practically strangers!"

"That's exactly why I'd like to go on a date with you; to learn more about you."

"Why?"

"Why not? Is it so hard to believe that I'm genuinely interested in you as a person?"

"Yes!"

"Wha- Astarion..." Gale seemed flabbergasted and... sad? "I don't understand. Why do you think people wouldn't want to know you better? You're wonderful. Who hurt you so badly?"

The addressed's jaw clenched.

"Doesn't matter," he got out.

"But it does matter," Gale retorted stubbornly. "I want to know you better." Much softer, he added: "Please, Astarion, let me know you better."

Instead of answering, the addressed huffed and threw his bag into his car before locking it once more and stating: "Let's go to your car, it's more spacious."

Gale's station wagon was indeed bigger than Astarion's leased red coupé, an Infiniti Q60, but also much more banged up, the witness of dozens of mud splattered dog walks and trips to the vet with a yowling cat.

When Gale unlocked the door, the stereo system started blaring. Impetuously, Astarion bullied the other man onto the backseats and hastily pulled off his shoes and trousers, leaving him bare from the waist down. After taking a quick look around the parking lot, Astarion kicked off his own boots, trousers, and boxershorts, throwing them onto the car's floor, before crawling onto the seat and closing the door behind himself. Despite locking the car to shut off the lights, the music kept playing.

"Tonight,

I want to give it all to you

in the darkness.

There′s so much I want to do.

And tonight,

I want to lay it at your feet

'cause girl, I was made for you

and girl, you were made for me."

"I apologise about that. Something's wrong with the stereo equipment and it must be turned off manually," Gale explained, flushed.

"I don't care," Astarion replied and kissed him passionately. When they parted, panting and rock-hard, he squirted some of the hand creme sitting in the centre console onto his fingers and pushed them into himself with a groan. Gale's eyes went wide.

"What -"

"Shut up and fuck me already," Astarion interrupted him. He bent down and finally, finally, got his mouth on Gale. His dick was the perfect size, and the noise he made as he was sucked off sloppily was even more perfect. Astarion forced himself to draw back, admiring the flush that spread from Gale's face all the way down to his heaving chest.

"Beautiful," he purred, smeared the rest of the hand creme onto Gale's erection, and tried to straddle him. Astarion hit his head on the roof, hissing at the pain, but before Gale could voice his concern, he sank down on him.

"Oh!" Astarion whimpered, hindered by the roof to throw his head back in pleasure. Gale gazed up at him reverently and whispered: "You're beautiful."

The addressed smiled nervously and started to bounce in his lap.

"I was made for lovin' you baby.

You were made for lovin′ me

and I can give it all to you baby.

Can you give it all to me?"

Astarion fell forward, capturing Gale's mouth in a messy kiss.

"Star... I'm close. Where -"

"Inside me," the addressed panted before giving him another biting kiss. Gale's eyes rolled back in his head when he climaxed with a loud moan. Astarion bore down on him as hard as he could, desperately tugging on his dick. One more heated look at the wonderful man beneath him and Astarion was coming, spilling over that tan, hairy torso. Dazed, Gale slowly swirled his fingers through the mess on his skin, and then licked it off, making Astarion groan in satisfaction. Gale was perfect.

"That's it, darling, you're wonderful."

Astarion leaned down, careful of the mess he'd made, to taste himself on Gale's tongue. The latter looked at him, moonstruck, while petting Astarion's hair in post-coital lazy bliss.

Maybe one more time, the lawyer told himself silently. Maybe, he could have sex with Gale one more time before cutting things off.

[thatonedeadd0ll]

˚✧₊⁎ COPING WIV ZE VERY TROUBLED CHILD ⁎⁺˳✧༚

hee ☆ they\them ☆ 9 to 11 y.o ☆ dad’s kid ☆ taken

🎀 hii w0rld ; welcome to me personal diary ✨

PLEAZ D0 N0T SEND ME WEIRD GR0SS ADULT DM. LIKE SEXUAL 0NES. IT IZ MAKING ME FEEL UMC0MF0RTABLE N TRIGGERS ME A L0T. ME D0ESNT WANT A DADDY 0R D0M 0R ANYTHING BC ME ISNT INT0 DAT. ME IS 0NLY IN L♡VE WIV ME FATHER. DIS IZ N0T ZE SAME 💔🔪

read zat tumblr at ur own risk bc this is ze safe place of a very mentally ill person who needs to have a place for their thoughts !!! dnt even consider me as real bc im only existing for me dada, me friendz nd fam irl 🤭. this tumblr contains very problematic, unhealthy, abusive posts so pleaze dnt read it if its not ok for you, block me tumblr nd forget abt me instead hihi. im very very very delusional mostly bc of me mental illnesses like general anxiety disorder, c-ptsd, depression, ocd, abandonment issues, paranoid thoughts and others. also im auDHD. dnt try to reality-check me or talk badly abt me dad, he is my god, the only person on earth who deserves me luv nd devotion. he is my whole life nd yee he is my father, not me partner, he saved me from everything nd since he has become me dada im finally starting to learn how to connect with myself, shut me brain off when im with him nd heal.

🖤 he created me to be perfect for him only 🖤

i dnt want to disclose my legal age since i dnt connect at all with it. bc of me childhood traumas n me autistic brain im basically ageless atp, mostly stuck around 9 to 11 y.o. to be clear it is me genuinely acting without masking anything, not me playing weird stuff. if you have a problem with incest or loli nd stuff : run away very quickly bc me can use or refer to those terms as a coping mechanism. i consider meself as a yan but me fear of abandon kinda overwhelmed me most of ze time, me is part of ze jirai community even if me doesn’t interact wiv anyone bc me is shy. my is a permanent age regressor but tbh me is doing adult stuff wiv dada so me cant interact wiv ozer kids bc me is not pure anymore bc of him 🥺. also me being childish, candide, high pitched voice n stuff dnt mean zat im not smart, actually me is very smart 👉🏻👈🏻.

last thing ; im nonbinary so respect me pronouns (they\them), basic decency huh. im very feminine i know but being this stupid mix of very girly doll presenting, androgynous body nd personality of a kid suit me perfectly. also dnt use feminine coded nicknames with me, ze only one i allow is for me dada only🖤💕✨.

🔒🎀 : me is taken by @thatonedeadboy |@thatonedeadboi nd me is in a exclusive relationship with a very jealous nd possessive god, so be careful for your own good since me dada is a yan wiv violence tendencies nd no control sometimes when it comes to me. he is also seeing all of your ask|dm bc me he looks out for me like ze perfect father he is 🥺.

✨ ME D0ESN’T HAVE ANYTHING T0 0FFER BESIDES CHIIIT

CHAT. C0NSIDER ME AS UR 0WN LITTLE VIRTUAL SHRINK ✨

YAN MBTI : RAHL | CDDAF | CDWI | LSMT

TAGGING SYSTEM

vent/rant/journal : ⋆𐙚₊coping with the very troubled child₊⁎⁺˳✧༚

my dad’s related thoughts : ⋆𐙚₊hades to me persephone₊⁎⁺˳♡༚

ask/anons : ⋆𐙚₊the weird kid around tumblr₊⁎⁺˳✧༚

reblogs : ⋆𐙚₊me likey some disturbing thingies₊⁎⁺˳✧༚

dad nd me movie gallery : ⋆𐙚₊dnt kill me mister ghostface i want to be in the sequel₊⁎⁺˳♡༚

[seariii]

A condition called love EP 2

..... Huh.....

I see myself a little bit on the mc-Hotaru, in the sense that she is clearly aroace spec....

But now.... Damn....

Like, the guy isn't healthy, and she has never been in love, but this is an anime about learning to love, or so I've heard, so yes.... But.... Even so they're very sweet and kind to each other

... the "trial period" seemed reasonable, seemed understandable... "If I don't fall in love with you, I'd still want you as my friend" "no. I don't want to be your friend, I don't want to be another man in your life" "If we aren't a couple, what will happen to you?" "You won't see me again" ..... I was impressed by that he knows what he wants I thought, my brother thought it was unhealthy, but my mom said that it was the healthiest option... And....

When the friend recommended getting close to each other, as if they were gonna kiss, that that would help her notice if she feels something.... To me it also seemed reasonable, just like to Hotaru.... But when she proposed it, and after the guy said to not let anyone she isn't sure how she feels towards do that to her... I was a little caught off guard.... My mom and my brother both agreed that yeah it wasn't okay for her to ask that, because it would be painful for him if she actually didn't like him... My brother said it stung badly when she asked it.... I was very surprised... I mean... The reasoning behind it was "if you don't like them you'll back off, if you actually like them you won't" a little archaic but to some degree made sense....

I... There is a lot of times where I notice I really don't understand allos... I don't understand how their mind works, how they view the world or certain stuff... On an RP that I have with the bestie, my character, when she felt frustrated at not understanding allos, and at how no one tried to look from her arospec pov, she got told "you wanted a relationship with an allo, right? You have to adapt to that" .... And.... I still think about that sometimes... I don't understand so much stuff... Stuff that comes naturally to others, I have to put effort on understanding... It's kinda frustrating... And I mean, that's not just in romance, there is a lot of stuff that I don't understand... That when I'm told not to do something or something like that, I do as I'm told, but I don't understand the reasoning, why is it wrong?...

I might seem all knowledgeable and like I know what I'm doing, but sometimes I notice how little I actually understand others... How simple stuff that everyone understands I don't... Basic behavior that everyone does or avoids, that I don't know about.... It's frustrating...

I... Try, I search, I ask.... The amount of stuff I've heard that is wrong from my brother is impressive... And the amount of explanations the bestie has given me on why an action is wrong is also massive....

At the end... Both what's happening on the anime and what's going on irl will end up being nice... But.... I do wonder.... If it was selfish of me... Was it wrong of Hotaru to accept that?.... She wanted to learn, to give it a shot, to see if anything happened... She had fun, she tried her best... She even adapted to him.... and he also seemed happy...

....

Well....

I don't know if my past actions were right or wrong... I just... I'll just keep going forward... I like the path that I'm walking... And I can see where I'm going... Even if it takes a little while... Yeah... I want to continue on this path.... And everything seems like it'll fall into place... So we will just... Watch as it happens....

[randoimago]

Unpopular opinion alert but I just wanted to get this off my chest but am I the only one who hates the "I can fix him" mentality we find in so many pieces of literature and in real life and in fanfiction like I don't want to be anybody's therapist or mother the only way a person can change themselves is if they want to through their own choices and will like the character you want to "fix" doesn't need love they need therapy or jail and some cases a ass whooping

Put the rest of it + my response under the cut!!

"Part 2 of my rant but I'm not trying to shame anybody who reads or writes and enjoys media like that you can like what you like it's fiction as long as you don't support or condone it IRL then it's fine you just need to be able to separate reality and fiction and know that type of mentality is what lands so many people in abusive relationships heck even I read/write stuff like that but I know that it's incredibly unhealthy and dangerous in real life

Part 3 like maybe it's just me but am I the only one who wants to embody this type of energy like I don't want fix you I want to be the one thing you fear so badly in your life that you change your morals and turn around your life so that you don't piss me of"

I mean, on one hand I understand having a favorite problematic character and wanting a good ending for them. But on the other hand, if that character is an asshole that's done awful things then I want karma to kick them in the ass.

I mean, luckily for me at least, I've only come across a handful of people that get too deeply attached to fictional characters that it's unhealthy. But I do know and have heard of how attached some people can get to fictional characters.

Idk about your last statement of wanting someone to be afraid of you and that's why they change (which kind of contradicts with your first message of "the only way a person can change themselves is if they want to through their own choices and will") just cause I can see the people that do confuse fiction and reality to use that as being the cause of the unhealthy relationship.

Idk, if a character is evil and messed up then I want them to stay evil and messed up. I want evil characters that are just evil characters. Redemption arcs are great now and then, but sometimes I just want a really good irredeemable villain.

[clarabowmp3]

Mildly stalked your blog and I’m curious if you have thoughts on the whole Taylor never really being single thing. As a 25 year old exiting a 5 year relationshio myself I feel like I need 6 business months on my own at the very least

Interesting! That’s so real tho, I’ve never been in a relationship anywhere that long so I can’t say for sure but I imagine it makes a lot of sense to take a breather and focus on yourself.

After the breakup news dropped, I felt like it would have been really easy for her to play into the whole #girlboss thing, loving being single etc, esp with the man as one of her eras tour songs. Maybe she wanted people to stop talking about joe/start gushing over her and her new boyfriend/stop talking about how sad she looks every night, like it could be anything. It could also be that she just went along with Travis shooting his shot, so as of today I’m not sure just how attached she is to having a partner yk. Part of it could also be that she wants to get married soon, since she talks abt marriage on you’re losing me and loml, which is why she’s jumping from relationship to relationship, but obviously this isn’t healthy.

So basically my point is that as a huge celebrity today, there’s so many factors that could motivate her actions and ofc we only know what we can observe, we don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes, so in terms of actual irl events I don’t really know what to say.

Based on her songs tho, yea I think her never being single thing has taken a toll on her personality/sense of self. Almost her entire discography revolves around her relationships, and the issue with that is certain lyrics reveal how she doesn’t seem to have sufficient self esteem (at least in my opinion) to let herself get so badly fucked up by the most mediocre guys. I mean the whole of ttpd?? Over MATTY HEALY???? Even if I was that down bad you could not waterboard all that out of me 😭😭

I think we see this in but daddy I love him especially, like she seems to romanticise this whole narrative of loving someone so hard against all odds. I don’t think it’s healthy to ‘burn your whole life down��� rather than listen to what others have to say. Of course, it makes sense that she couldn’t logically evaluate what others were saying at a time when she was so emotionally vulnerable, but I think that’s all the more reason she needs to have some time to herself, and learn to have a partner that is a part of her life rather than someone who becomes her whole life.

Also, even though this isn’t the actual meaning of the lyric, I think ‘old habits die screaming’ kind of point to how it’s a pretty deeply ingrained habit for her to get so unhealthy invested in her relationships/the idea of being in a relationship that it clouds her judgement. I understand her skepticism to listen to others/“snarkers” after being so badly cancelled in 2016, but I rlly think she needs to have some voice of reason to ground her. Right now, given the kind of questionable decisions she’s made over the past year or so, it feels like she’s surrounded by a lot of yes men which isn’t good for anyone.

Even in the archer, the whole bit about ‘you could stay’ and pointing to the fans thing makes me a little uncomfortable. It’s a song that’s very dear to me cuz of how visceral the anxiety and insecurity is in the song, and it came out at a time when I was soooo very insecure, and I can get the romantic element of having someone who helps you through those kinds of thoughts and feelings, but I don’t like how she rewrote it from being about joe to it being about the fans. It makes me feel like she’s floundering and just needs someone cheering her on, regardless of how close she is to that someone, which again isn’t healthy. This also contributes to parasocial relationships but that’s a whole separate topic.

Also, I don’t want this to come across as me criticising/blaming taylor, especially given the culture of the era she grew up in. I’m so grateful every day that I grew up in a time and place where feminism was picking up, I had those values/ideals instilled in me in a girls’ school during my most formative years as a teen, and because of that I’m so confident/self-assured (except on my bad days) that I’d never let anyone let alone some guy shake my sense of self. Taylor clearly had different life experiences which moulded her into the person she is today, just like how everyone is in some way or form a product of their environment

[the-anonymous-vent-blog]

hey, dude. I'm genuinely really sorry for saying this but I needed to get this out anonymously and it the first vent blog thingy I found soooo... Ya...

Idk how chronically online I'm gonna sound saying this, I need to get it out badly, plus I have infact touched grass, showered and seen a therapist

First, it always starts off with "oh, this characters cute, I like him" and then somehow escalates all the fucking way to "I wish you were real", "I don't love anybody but you", "I really need you" and it genuinely feels like such an unhealthy obsession. I cannot express how much I love this fictional character and how I want him to be real. Idk if it's a coping mechanism or what but MAN it hurts SO bad. I used to try reality shifting purely because of this, but I couldn't, and then I lost motivation and stopped after a while.

But I literally feel so empty without him, man, like I NEED him, though I probably just need someone irl to fill that void

First of all, you don't need to feel sorry for sending in an ask, no matter how strange you perceive it to be. That's what this blog is here for!

Secondly, definitely a coping mechanism. But that self awareness is good! It sounds like you're on the right track broski. I've gone through the same thing, so no judgement here. Just keep going to places and trying to build connections. You'll be able to do it!

[transexualpirate]

oh im definitely afraid. i do think it's quite possible that they'll do exactly that, and pretend john walker was a good guy from the beginning and was just a bit misguided - which is what they did in a few comics comics. and i hate that.

i mean no hate to you or to oneday-23, btw. we can all have diverging opinions and it doesn't necessarily reflect on us as people, and i think it's really cool that you took the time to write this and explain your point of view, i appreciate it. im just elaborating on what i meant in the original post

now, ill be the first to admit im not a connoisseur of john's comics. matter of fact ive actively avoided him. that man pisses me off. not like, say, thaddeus ross (the worse marvel character ever in my opinion) or reed richards or even, sometimes, tony, but god i hate him. im not even saying he's this big villain huge bad guy that needs to be stopped im just saying that i really really fucking hate that guy. i think he got away with far too much already, i think his character arc only made sense (and became a problem) because of his huge ego and his arrogance, i think his "redemption arc", if it even can be called that, was half assed at best, and i wholeheartedly believe that if the character isn't racist then he was created by some extremely fucking racist writers who projected onto him hard. in the comics, that is. in the mcu i think an argument can be made that he was created as a critique and badly interpreted, but idk. still badly done in my opinion. anyways, all that's my opinion, so (i also really fucking hate john's overly patriotic views. like, for instance, steve and sam are patriotic to a point that already deeply bothers me, but there's so much more to their characters so i still love them! i can and do nitpick the character traits i want to focus on because i wouldn't like any marvel character if i didn't lol but if you ignore or even diminish walker's patriotism at all he stops making sense as a character, and that is disturbing to me personally). but that's just me. i am also a bucky lover first and human second - he's been my favorite marvel character ever since i got into marvel years ago, my first comic i actually bought was his, i write about him constantly and im always talking about him. ask anyone that knows me irl, he's so so so important to me, like, to a point where it's honestly unhealthy (the way i am attached to this man would not be approved by any therapist) so seeing a version of him be friends with someone like john walker, someone who in the mcu treated him like nothing but an asset and arrogantly demanded his "help", it would make me angry, ergo the i would not be responsible for my actions joke

it's almost 2024 and i want everyone to know that if they make bucky and walker friends in thunderbolts i will not be responsible for my actions you have all been warned

[ophelianated]

Not sure if anyone has pointed this out yet, but I'm currently reading the Brigadier Gerard stories and one thing I realized - or more like fished out of my eye as it was that impossible to miss - is that irl Arthur was the Napoleon simp.

This bitch would scream, cry, foam at the mouth, vomit, shit himself and faint at the same time if he could meet irl Napoleon in person, that's how much of a simp he is. There would be no "'Léon" or "Napo" - to Arthur he would be "Your Majesty" and "Sire" only. (On that note, there would be no "Jeanie" either. Whom Napoleon respects, he respects tenfold.)

He would kiss the ground Napoleon walks on. Would stare at him with heart eyes whenever they're in the same room. You could not get one coherent sentence out of him because every single neuron in his brain would be occupied with thoughts of admiration for him. Mix in a bit of Cybird!Arthur, and if Napoleon wanted to fuck him, he would be prepped and ready on all fours atop his bed in 10 minutes tops.

He would be ecstatic to show him his stories set in the Napoleonic era, and Napoleon in turn would take a reserved kind of liking to him upon reading the shameless and incessant praise for his person paragraph after paragraph (it would be balm to his inferiority complex). Arthur would treasure every second Napoleon spares him, still, by his own request, he would be in charge of all of his meals and letters just so he could observe the hero, the legend, the emperor that much longer. He would be at his heels 24/7 like a loyal puppy and Napoleon would enable him (for the most part) because devotion without question is his kink a quality he could have used more of in his people during his days on the throne and it makes him feel more secure to have it now, especially in this unfamiliar time, even if from just one person. He would ask Arthur to be his guide, since he's more familiar with the technology, fashion and conventions of the 1890s, and Arthur would legit shed a tear or two, overcome with joy to have received such an honour from the man himself.

(Also he wouldn't shut up about it for months and the other residents would strongly contemplate just dumping his body in some ditch after the first week, which the only reason they refrain from doing in the end is that nobody dares piss Napoleon off. Jeanne would be the only one to try because she hates the British - and let's face it, she could take on Napoleon's Oswald Cobblepot-looking ass any day -, but would promptly be scolded by Comte for attempted manslaughter of precious guests.)

Their dynamic would be interesting, if a bit unhealthy, is what I'm saying. And I need more simp!Arthur.

Bonus: badly edited memes of Arthur at any given moment

[irrealisms]

so THREE DAYS AGO i told @simplepotatofarmer​​​ that i would write up my opinions on the bedrock bros teamup “later today”

this was derailed in part because i’m bad at things but in PART because i wanted to make sure that my memory was right and rewatch VODs and get transcripts and so on. this, uh, got long. 

cw for both c!techno crit and c!tommy crit, as well as both c!tommy and c!techno apologetics; that said, i tend to be significantly more critical of techno and less critical of tommy, which is why i haven’t tagged the c!tommy crit.

tl;dr my viewpoint is that they both behaved quite badly, their communication was Shit, and they both treated each other in ways that were cruel, given each other’s existing issues. the way they acted was understandable and sympathetic to me, and in some cases they genuinely didn’t have better options, but it was still a wildly unhealthy situation. i think that you can argue either way on whether tommy betrayed techno, and i think it is inarguable that he hurt techno, but i still think that his decision to leave was correct. i also defend my decision to hold techno to a higher standard than tommy due to age, circumstances, etc. 

yes, i realize this is all a rehash of things that have been debated to death. in my defense, i’m relatively new to the fandom, and also the lore drought is slowly killing us all.

so the first thing i want to address is that the teamup began because tommy broke into techno’s house, started living there, and stole his stuff. this was right before the butcher army, which techno only survived due to dream’s help; if tommy living with techno had caused dream to rescind that help in the future, that puts techno in an extremely vulnerable position. not only that, but techno did not know what had happened in exile. it would be (and was) kind of techno to shelter him, but it was not a moral obligation. this is especially true when you keep in mind that--unlike irl--it is normal in minecraft to start your life with nothing in the wilderness. tommy having to be in that position months after joining the server sucks, but it’s not something that might be life-threatening the way it would be irl.

the second thing i want to address is that... yeah, it can be argued that tommy wanted to just use technoblade. in the video where he moves in, he reacts to the idea of asking technoblade to stay by saying “Are you insane? Why would I want to do that? I hate him. I could just stay, and then, every now and then I go up.” While obviously this changed, it’s important to note that he originally wanted to stay with technoblade, not because of his affection for technoblade as a person, but because staying with technoblade makes him less vulnerable.

but i don’t think this was wrong of him. from tommy’s perspective, he can’t return to l’manberg without being returned to his abuser. he can’t return to the greater dream smp without being returned to his abuser. as far as the broader wilderness goes-- dream is good at pvp and has a specialty (cf his skill at parkour tag in mcc, as well as broadly transferrable skills from his manhunts) of finding, chasing down, and defeating another player; i know i called the wilderness not life-threatening earlier, and that’s true to the extent that tommy’s not going to get hypothermia from a snow biome, but it’s not true to the extent that dream very much wants him back. not only that, but in the wilderness he would be totally alone, and the dream smp has not shied away from the effects of isolation, either in exile or during the current prison arc. sure, he’s “using” technoblade--but not as a weapon, as a shield from his abuser. does this suck from technoblade’s perspective and exacerbate his issues around people only wanting him around for his items and pvp abilities? sure. but was it wrong of tommy? i don’t think so.

okay. now it is time for TRANSCRIPTS and ADDRESSING THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, which is “who betrayed who”. the first transcript is from “Nothing goes wrong”, and concerns how they first teamed up:

Techno: You see, Tommy, I know a lot about putting trust in other people, and having them, having them betray that trust, using me, as a weapon, and then casting me aside when it's most convenient for them. "Oh, just a little threat from Dream, and oh we gotta exile TommyInnit, oh, 'cause Dream will get mad at us," what's the point? What's the point of a government if it sells out its own citizens? It doesn't even work! ...That's why we have to take down the government, Tommy. You wanna be friends with Tubbo? You wanna know what's driven you apart? Why you don't have your discs? It's because of the government! If there was no government, you and Tubbo could be friends, you could have your discs back, there'd be nothing to threaten! ...Join me. Let's destroy L'Manberg. [long pause while Tommy thinks and Techno has an unrelated whisper conversation with Ghostbur] Tommy: You promise if I... if I join you, we don't have to be pals-- Techno: We don't have to be pals. Believe me! Tommy (overlapping): You, you-- hey, listen, listen, you'll help with-- Techno (overlapping): In fact, we, it's not even an option! Alright, just give up on that. Tommy: You-- you'll help me get back my discs. Techno: I'll help you get back your discs, Tommy. Tommy: I won't help you but you'll help me. Techno: You'll help me just destroy the government. Tommy (overlapping): I will not destroy L'Manberg. I won't help you destroy the government. But you'll-- you'll let me-- Techno: Well, tell you what, we'll do some minor terrorism, from which the government can-- eh, you know what, Tommy? We'll get the details on the way. We'll get the details on the way, Tommy, alright? Tommy: Technoblade, I am a huge fan of minor terrorism. Techno: That's just what I wanna hear. Tommy, truthfully-- Tommy: Not major terrorism though-- Techno: Yeah, just, just-- Tommy (overlapping): I don't wanna take down no governments, I'm just, all I'm saying is just-- Techno (overlapping): Just follow me, follow me, Tommy. Tommy (overlapping): Listen, listen! I don't wanna be pals with you. I-- if you promise, promise me, hey, pinkie promise, eh? Techno: Yes, yes, pinkie promise. Tommy: To get me my discs back. If you help me to get my discs back, 'cause, uh, my options are looking real slim, I'll be honest-- Techno: Yeah, your options are pretty terrible now, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, it's not looking great for you.

Their original agreement was clear: Tommy has a hard limit around helping to destroy L’Manberg, and does not want it taken down; he is, however, willing to do minor terrorism. In return for the minor terrorism, he wants Technoblade’s help in getting his discs back. (That said, Technoblade is not exactly quiet about his preferred goal being to destroy L’Manberg.) They also both acknowledge that Tommy’s in a bad situation and doesn’t have many choices.

The second transcript is from “Tommy Is Betraying Tubbo”, and it covers their conversation in the community house, which includes their renegotiation. I’ll be splitting it into parts, because there are a few things I want to address with it, and it’s really long.

Techno: Tommy, let's take things one at a time, let's destroy L'Manberg, and then we can worry about the other discs, alright? Tommy: Why would we destroy L'Man-- L'Manberg's where I-- why, no no no no no, I'm just getting back my discs, we're not destroying it-- Techno: Right, right, I, uh. [pause] Y'know, Tommy, I think it-- I think it's time I came clean to you, Tommy. You know, when I first found you in my house, you were, uh, you were just like living in the floorboards like a raccoon, and I'm gonna be honest, Tommy, I didn't really respect you back then. You were kinda useless, loud, annoying, British, you know, it's like the worst combination. [laughs] I just thought of that, I thought, "that's gonna be funny, wow." [digression about viewership. PSA: subscribe to technoblade] Tommy: What were you saying though? Techno: Anyway, so, I'm gonna be real-- y'know, I'm thinking, at first I thought you were kinda useless, Tommy, I was just kinda, just kinda bringing you along to achieve my own ends. But, uh... now that we've committed all this terrorism together, I'm starting to think you might not be completely useless! I mean not-- maybe not like above average, but at least average, you know, on the usefulness scale? What I'm saying is, Tommy, I think it's about time I told you that my real plan, Tommy. I am going to destroy L'Manberg, alright? I am going to leave it a chunk error. That country is gone. I am not going to rest until that entire country has been completely obliterated for what it did to me and Phil, Tommy, alright? [pause, Tommy looks out at L'Manberg] And I think you should join me, Tommy. I'm telling you this because I actually- I actually have the slightest trace of respect for you, alright? Maybe not as equals, but, y'know, I think you're worth being honest with, Tommy, because L'Manberg? They've screwed you over as well, Tommy, alright? They exiled you, they abandoned you, L'Manberg is the source of all of your problems. And that's why we need to get rid of it, Tommy.

some of the relevant things I want to highlight here is that Technoblade admits that he has been hiding (...again, not very well) his plans to destroy L’Manberg from Tommy because he did not respect Tommy and was just using him to achieve his own ends. He notes that he does not see Tommy as an equal. they converse more (I have a transcript of the rest of it as well but this is already wayyyyy too long), and then:

Tommy: I don't really... why, why-- Techno (overlapping): You don't have to decide now, Tommy. Tommy: Why have you only just gained respect for me now? Techno: Oh, because y'know, you've actually stood up to Dream, you've actually like done some terrorism, I'm gonna be honest, Tommy, you were kinda useless and annoying when I first met you. But now, you've actually been doing things. The violence, the terrorism, you might go a little bit too far sometimes, Tommy, but you could actually be useful. Tommy: Techno? Techno: You could actually be... dare I say it? ... A friend. Tommy: You know that's all I've ever wanted from you. Techno (overlapping): The choice. The choice is yours, Tommy. Tommy (overlapping): I mean, you remember Hypixel Skyblock, when I'd stand, trying to-- Techno (overlapping): Hypixel Skyblock is now canon-- Tommy: I mean this is-- Techno: It's now canon! Tommy: You remember how that's all I've ever want-- [cuts himself off abruptly] [pause] Techno: The choice is yours, Tommy. But I'm just being upfront with you, that I'm going to destroy L'Manberg, all right? No lies, no deception. Tommy (quietly): ... 'kay. Techno: And I'll understand, if you don't wanna join me. But I'll do it myself. Alright? Tommy: I-- Techno: That country is going to be gone. Techno: You don't have to help me, but I'm telling you it's in your best interest, but it's up to you. Alright? Tommy: Techno, okay-- Techno: That country, it cast you aside, it's made your own friends turn against you... that country caused all your problems. [pause] Tommy (very quietly): Technoblade, I will join you. Techno: Aw, yes! Aw, yes, it's gonna be a red Christmas, weeks after Christmas, actually-- Tommy (overlapping): I, uh, listen to me, listen to me, I'm not-- I, you didn't hear me out, I'm, you didn't hear me out. You didn't hear me out! Techno: Oh. Sorry, was there like a conditional statement? Tommy (overlapping): I'm getting back the discs. Techno: Ooh, discs, yeah. Tommy (overlapping): I'm getting back the discs, yeah, that's, you know that's my thing, but then. It's Tubbo's home, it's my home, it's not finished, it's not ready-- Techno (overlapping): This seems like the opposite of destroying. Tommy (overlapping): It's not ready to go. Well I'll- you said "do you wanna join me?", I'll join you, but I can't-- I mean, you know I need my discs. Techno: Well yeah, we can get you your discs, but that country's blowing up is kind of a separate, a separate condition here. Tommy: But the discs first, alright? Promise me that. Techno: Um. No. Tommy (overlapping): Please. Techno: I mean, I can help you get back your discs, but that country, that country's going, it's going up in smoke, first opportunity. But I will help you get back your discs. So, who has it? Like, Dream, Tubbo... Tommy (overlapping): Just Dream, just Dream, I knew, I was saying it to Fundy, I already knew, I just wanted to know-- Techno (overlapping): Doesn't Tubbo have discs? Tommy: Tubbo? Oh, yeah, Tubbo, and Dre... Tubbo. and Dream. Techno: Yeah, so, Tubbo. Tommy: Yeah, but we don't have to -- as soon as we get the one off Dream, then the one from Tubbo is fine, I'll-- we just need to take away Dream's power-- Techno (overlapping): Nah, I'm not-- I'm taking the first opportunity I get of blowing up L’Manberg, man-- Tommy (overlapping): We need to take away Dream's power. Technoblade! We should totally, dude, we, dude listen to me, we should totally blow up the community house! Like, that would take away his power, that would be the thing that makes him unstable, we get the fucking-- Techno (overlapping): I, I really-- are you saying that the community house is Dream's home, so if we blow it up, he'll be homeless. He'll be homeless for real. Tommy (overlapping): Yeah, he built that, he built that! We blow it up, well, we can't blow it up, oh we could just literally do it off stream, man, that would be so-- would just record it, make a highlight-- Techno (overlapping): I-- I don't know if that's a great idea, Tommy, I'm mostly-- Tommy (overlapping): Five million views, let's do it, let's do it! Techno: I'm mostly just trying to blow up L’Manberg, here, I'm not-- Tommy: Well-- Techno: That's a separate issue-- Tommy: Okay. ... We didn't check on our dogs. [conversation ends.]

In this, Tommy does agree to join Technoblade, who is making it clear that his goal is to blow up L’Manberg. However, this is conditional on Technoblade promising to get the discs first, which Technoblade flatly refuses. Throughout the conversation, Technoblade emphasizes what he is going to do no matter what, which is “destroy L’Manberg ASAP”. He is willing to help Tommy get his discs back, but not to prioritize this over destroying L’Manberg, and focuses on Tubbo and Tubbo’s power over Dream and Dream’s power. Tommy says he is willing to join Technoblade in response to Tecnoblade talking about destroying L’Manberg, but Tommy’s very unclear throughout the rest of the conversation what he thinks he is agreeing to--he talks about L’Manberg being his home, asks for a promise to get the discs first, and focuses on Dream and Dream’s power over Tubbo and Tubbo’s power. The conversation ends without them resolving this.

Also of note is Tommy’s outro to the video:

Tommy: Between us, chat, I really don't the whole, you know, him being all like, "We should just obliterate L'Manberg."  Uh, I actually know that I don't want that at all. Shit, boys. Shit. Well!!! Thank you all SO much for watching[...]

I include these conversations mostly because I want to be clear that this teamup was always doomed. In both conversations, both parties are relatively upfront about their goals and desires. Tommy does not and has never wanted to blow up L’Manberg; he is, in fact, consistently opposed to this. Technoblade does want to blow up L’Manberg; he’s willing to help Tommy only insofar as it aids him in this goal. These are incompatible goals. Both characters were upfront about this from the beginning and teamed up anyway out of convenience to achieve their own ends. Both characters have moments of being unclear or even lying--Technoblade in the first conversation when he emphasizes minor terrorism and says that they can work out the details later, Tommy in the second conversation when he agrees to join Technoblade while Techno is discussing destroying L’Manberg. They also both tend to talk over each other constantly. This is not a situation where I would consider either “Technoblade wants to destroy L’Manberg” or “Tommy does not want to destroy L’Manberg” a betrayal; again, they have both been very clear about this from the beginning. Admittedly, Tommy has not been clear about what he will do if Technoblade destroys it anyway, which is (in my opinion) largely because... he cannot do anything about it. Again, Technoblade’s house and in the presence of Technoblade is quite plausibly the only place on the SMP where he will not be returned to his abuser. It does not surprise me, reading these conversations, that he would help Tubbo try to stop Technoblade from destroying L’Manberg as soon as this was a thing he could safely do without being returned to exile with Dream, because he does not and has never wanted L’Manberg to be destroyed. is it a betrayal? well, maybe. if the situation is that Tommy and Technoblade are on a team together against L’Manberg, then yes, it’s a betrayal, the same way that defecting to an opposing army during a war is defecting. if the situation is that Tommy and Technoblade have an agreement where [Tommy helps with terrorism against L’Manberg] in exchange for [Technoblade helps Tommy get the discs], then--given that Techno was not, as far as I can tell, particularly prioritizing the discs, and certainly did not actually get any--it’s not particularly a betrayal for Tommy to call the deal off entirely. (If he did take actions specifically towards getting the discs back, let me know--I know he says a couple times that the L’Manberg terrorism will help Tommy get his discs back, but this was before he was being particularly honest with Tommy, and most of the terrorism was leveraged into getting Techno items or information in order to destroy L’Manberg. That said, it’s definitely possible I missed something, there are a lot of VODs, and it would definitely be a betrayal to try and get out of an agreement without doing your part after you’ve benefited from it!) Personally, I do see it more as a team-up situation, especially given how much their friendship grew during this time period, so I do think Tommy betrayed Techno, but.. mostly I think that they suffered from extremely poor communication. 

speaking of their friendship: it’s also a betrayal of their friendship, which I think hurts them both worse by the end of it, but... that was inevitable from the start. they were both clear on what they wanted; neither of them compromised or had any real willingness to compromise. they had incompatible goals and values. this is broadly fine in the first conversation, when them being ‘pals’ is out of the question! but by the time of the second conversation? when they’re friends? it hurts a lot worse. this sucks! but… neither of them are particularly at fault in that situation.

and here’s where i put my tommy apologist hat on: while i’m putting aside the question of whose values are right (...because this post is already Too Goddamn Long), I do think that it was the right choice to betray their friendship. their relationship was unhealthy and unsustainable. they didn’t see each other as equals. they used each other. they didn’t listen to each other. I’m very unclear about the canonicity of the streams and the morality of torturing someone if it’s for a bit and played for laughs--obviously, say, taking Antfrost as a “slav” in pogtopia doesn’t say much about anyone’s principles--but most of the “minor terrorism” involved hurting, non-canonically killing, or torturing people. and i think tommy realized this. at the green festival, when tommy said:

Tommy: What am I-- what am I doing?  Tubbo: I- I don't-- Tommy (whispered): What am I doing? [frustrated noise?] [Dream laughs?] Techno: Tommy. Tommy. Dream: Thank you, Tubbo. I really appreciate it. Techno (overlapping): Tommy, what are you doing? Tommy (also overlapping): I'm not-- Techno-- I'm so- I'm-- Tommy: This isn't me, this isn't... I mean, I look around, and I'm-- I'm not the person I wanna be. [incomprehensible] Techno: Tommy, what are you saying? Tommy: [Tries to start words a few times] I'm--[sigh] [Tommy turns away from Technoblade to Tubbo] Tommy: I'm so sorry. Techno: Tommy, we could get out of here, we could pearl out, I'd cover your escape, Tommy. We can still get out of here, Tommy, we can regroup! We can plan for another day, Tommy! Tommy: Techno, Techno, if this is what I've become-- Techno (overlapping): (Oh, we're surrounded) Tommy: Then I don't wanna be me anymore. I-- I'm-- Techno: Tommy, what are you saying? Tommy: I'm sorry. Techno: What do you mean, Tommy? Tommy: I'm with Tubbo. Techno: Heh?? Tommy, when I said-- perhaps I wasn't clear yesterday, Tommy, when I said that I'm going to destroy L’Manberg, and that you don't have to help me, when I said you don't have to help me, Tommy, I meant that you could sit it out, not SWITCH SIDES AND FIGHT AGAINST ME! Tommy: I'm not-- Tech-- well, what am I doing? Well what am I-- we've-- Techno: YOU'RE BETRAYING ME IS WHAT YOU'RE DOING, TOMMY! Tommy (overlapping): You wanna know [? hard to hear] but Technoblade, the discs are-- just-- they-- I [distressed noise?] Techno (overlapping): You just told him to give the disc to Dream! Tommy: I'm worse than everyone I didn't wanna be! [pause] Tommy: I-- You know that-- you know, you know-- Techno: Tommy, think hard, think hard about this-- Tommy: I'm-- Techno: Before you make this decision, Tommy, 'cause you can't undo this, you can't undo this decision, Tommy. Tommy: [sigh] Technoblade, I know what I've done, and I hate me for it. I'm sorry.

I support tommy in that conversation. whether or not that is a betrayal, I support that. I support people taking the actions that let them live with themselves, I support people in staying true to their principles and not doing things that make them hate themselves, I support people in going “I hate myself and this is what I need to do to stop”. I am a tommy apologist, but… I try very hard to support this across the board. I think Technoblade made the right decision for himself on November 16th. I think it was wrong of Pogtopia to expect someone to stand aside and let people do something that he thinks is wrong because they’re on the same team. Are Tommy’s values and boundaries less clear than Techno’s were? Probably. Tommy is also 16 and coming directly out of a severely abusive situation. Quite frankly, I think he was remarkably clear about being opposed to destroying L’Manberg, given the situation he was in, where supporting Technoblade’s actions is the primary thing keeping him safe from his abuser. obviously, technoblade is valid to be upset and angry about this! he just got abandoned to a 1v30! he specifically confided in Tommy earlier that he has trauma around being used as a weapon and then discarded when no longer convenient! but… I can’t condemn someone recognizing that a relationship is bad for them and leaving. I just can’t.

this brings up my final and last point, which is that… Tommy is not in a healthy mindspace coming off of exile. Tommy regularly gets confused about what he wants and who his friends are--I didn’t grab transcripts because, again, this post is already too damn long, but I also don’t think there’s substantial debate on this point. While Technoblade also has a lot of trauma, I think this is not immediately obvious to Tommy, especially because Technoblade’s arguments tend to be calm and principled; meanwhile, I think that Tommy’s trauma probably is obvious to Technoblade, given that Technoblade talks him down from at least two panic attacks that I can remember off the top of my head without checking VODs. While Technoblade’s canonical age is unknown, including to Technoblade himself (implying that he’s quite old, although it’s also possible that he’s young and just bad at counting or keeping track), he’s certainly more mature than Tommy, and in a significantly better mental place. There’s also a serious power differential between them: even if he doesn’t use it, Technoblade has the power to give Tommy back to his abuser; if there was a fight between them, Technoblade would almost certainly win, and might even take Tommy’s last canon life. The worst Tommy has the power to do to Technoblade is steal or destroy his chests of items--which would be bad, certainly, but not really... comparable. This dynamic absolutely informs their relationship, especially given that Technoblade makes it clear that he would in some circumstances be willing to return Tommy to Dream (the infamous “Well that’s going to be a bit of a problem, Dream, because this guy’s with me. […] Unless, of course, you want to call in that favor?” conversation). So while, yes, they both used each other and treated each other badly, IMO, Technoblade had more of a responsibility in this position to do right by Tommy than the reverse, and I judge him more for his failures at it. This is especially true because I believe Techno recognizes this differential to some degree, although he may not realize the extent of the power he has over Tommy due to not being aware of the extent of exile: he says things like “your options are pretty terrible now”, and he was dishonest with Tommy because he didn’t respect him as an equal, which changed when Tommy was able to e.g. commit acts of terrorism and stand up to Dream. I believe that if someone is in an extremely vulnerable position, this gives others more responsibility to do right by them, and makes me more inclined to forgive them for behaving poorly.

[kaminohana]

the meme man full analysis

Yeehaw here we go. Analysis of Mikoto Kayano’s video and song, along with some theories about the many themes and symbols in the video. Note: If there’s any other supplemental material for him out there, I haven’t read it. This is just an analysis with the music video we were given. If I happen to miss stuff that was mentioned before, I may talk about it in another post lmao

I was SUPER invested in this video as I watched it and soon realized “Oh shit, I think Mikoto’s plural”. Cuz, you know, I’m plural too (not disclosing what kind) and it felt SO good to see some actual parallels to stuff I go through- though of course not to Mikoto’s degree.

That said, I feel I should make a disclaimer in passing: yes, portraying your only plural character as homicidal ain’t the best representation. But, you know, we’ve seen other cases like that in Milgram so I’m just gonna leave it at that. Personally, I’m not that offended because the execution is SO top-notch. Though, hey, I totally understand how this can be very frustrating to other systems to see plurality depicted in such an unhealthy light- if it’s not for you, it’s not for you.

Keep in mind the point of the Milgram series is to make you uncomfortable in so quickly incriminating someone; if you’re hesitating to determine someone as guilty, hey, that’s probably intended and good! It’s about personal decision, so I’m not going to judge you one way or the other in voting. I just find it fascinating how these videos can put us in such conflict. This is all just my own perspective, BTW, so if you disagree with some of these points, good! I’m just hoping to share my thoughts since I can make a lot of connections. I’m by no means an expert in plurality or tarot, I just have some background in both and decided to try my hand at this analysis, so I really don’t the final say on what’s going on in the video.

Now, onto the actual video analysis.

I’m sticking with the basic idea that Mikoto is split into two parts; his more loveable, gentler side, which I referred to in another post as Softboy Mikoto, and the more violent side which may be acting as a catharsis to his frustrations. I referred to this side previously as the Devil alter, as he is depicted with the Devil major arcana tarot card. I can see how this could be taken badly, so for now I’m just going to refer to him as the shadow alter. There are many themes of duality in the video, most commonly with the symbol of the half moon which appears so many times. Shadow of the moon etc etc. I’ll be bringing this up several times as I analyze the lyrics. I’ll be breaking down the lyrics as evidence to support the idea that Mikoto is plural, and to show how softboy Mikoto (and shadow alter Mikoto) view this particular relationship and how this culminates in murder. Sometimes I refer to Mikoto (as a whole), softboy Mikoto, or shadow alter Mikoto depending on what I’m trying to describe in the below.

First piece: the title. MeMe. Me x2. A dead giveaway, like Umbilical. Also, it can be a meme, which is interesting taking the definition of the word meme in this context: “an element of a culture or system of behavior passed from one individual to another by imitation or other nongenetic means” (Oxford Dictionaries).  HMMMM. I know memes are generally within the context of a community, but I think it’s interesting to actually apply this to Mikoto. What exactly is being passed on? Could we argue that Mikoto’s frustrations from one of his parts is being passed on to the other? Interesting to think about, though it may not be relevant.

Going into the lyrics:

So from here I’m guessing there was a point in Mikoto’s life where his plurality was not an issue; or, potentially, there was a time before his split. These were the good times.

Playing dead vs. being alive – representing duality. May refer to how, when one side has their way, the other is locked away in the headspace with no control, thus feeling like being dead. In the context of “if only”, perhaps he’s wishing that he just didn’t do anything if only to prevent things from getting this far.

“If” I could end- I believe Mikoto (particularly softboy Mikoto) is saying “Hey, I have no control over my other side. If I did, would things still be the same? Would I still be ‘letting’ this happen?”

“Keep it” and “hide it away” I feel like are both representative of his shadow alter and of the desires that alter represents. Many words related to destruction are tied to this alter, so it could be seen as Mikoto trying to hide those urges as well.

“’I’ will save ‘me’”- this is a very interesting line that I think very well encapsulates the shadow alter’s initial motives; he’s saying “hey, I’m going to take care of us,” I believe to try and convince softboy Mikoto to let him out. As far as if softboy Mikoto can actually “let” him out is TOTALLY up for debate.

Part of the reason I refer to the other alter as softboy Mikoto is because there are softer words I notice used by him in the song; here’s I’m seeing “snuggle”, so I think this side of him is more vulnerable and soft.

SWITCH, shake up that brain- wow couldn’t be any more obvious here

This is where the chorus starts. This I think is from softboy Mikoto’s perspective, PARTICULARLY when he’s trapped in the headspace. There are many forms of plurality IRL in which alters cannot simultaneously front, so one or more are “pushed” back into the headspace. This very act occurs several times throughout the song in the weird minimalist vaporwave shadow realm room, where the tarot cards are. During this time, we can assume that is when the shadow alter is fronting. Softboy Mikoto slowly starts to become more helpless and fearful in this space as the song goes on, and this is where he makes his celtic cross tarot spread that quite frankly defines the whole song. I discussed that in my other post.

Another facet of plurality that is applied here is amnesia, which is common, especially when alters are pushed back to the headspace. Within the headspace, there may be a lack of awareness to the outside world, which Mikoto seems to express in his confused sentiments like the above (in the video, he is also scratching his head, which as a gesture can represent being confused). “Why am I here?” can act as a double entendre, both referring to “Why have I suddenly been pushed to this headspace?” as well as the whole point of Milgram- “Why am I in prison?”. He may not be aware of exactly what he did, hence why he feels it’s a mistake. He may be experiencing amnesia of what his shadow alter is doing, so he doesn’t even know what crime he committed. However, he at least has enough awareness to tell someone else is present in his body doing things, so he begs the viewer “Hey, just watch whatever my body is doing and it’ll all eventually make sense. I don’t have access to this information, but you do.” I thought this was an interesting fourth wall break.

The truth revealing itself could also be the truth coming to light from the particular tarot reading he does in the headspace; note that the cards only seem to be appear in this place and not in the outside world. So softboy Mikoto is trying to figure out what’s going on this way. If he can’t figure it out himself, maybe the cards can give him some direction.

Another duality- “I won’t forgive you if you reveal the truth” vs. “However I know I’m right when I say I’m innocent”. Or he could be right about something else.

I’m wondering if the breaking here is just reflecting the shadow alter or is softboy Mikoto actually wishing he could end the shadow alter. He at least wants things to change; the way things are right now is not something he’s okay with. Though, it sounds like he isn’t getting help with this and has no idea if he can even arrest full control again. It seems at this point, this has been going on for a while so he’s stopped trying.

In the video, the shadow alter is doing a GREAT job hiding the evidence; while of course probably just trying to not get caught, the shadow alter may also be trying to hide his crime from softboy Mikoto so he’s none the wiser.

He’s hoping he can be rid of the shadow alter side, but I think he also is dumping all his difficult feelings onto the shadow alter. Maybe he feels its some sort of release, even if he can’t control it, so he feels a lot of guilt over the shadow alter’s existence, even though that alter is serving a purpose as a conduit for those emotions.

I really really think though that there IS some connection between softboy Mikoto and shadow alter Mikoto. Maybe they are both truly aware of each other, hence the scene where they are viewing each other through the mirror. I think here, softboy Mikoto might be admitting that it feels good to let the shadow alter out, like a hug. The “minus energy” probably refers to the shadow alter.

“Maybe it’s okay that we’re separated like this?” he wonders. There seems to be a sense of feeling alive at least that is conveyed through the shadow alter.

SPLIT IN HALF- yeah, again, pretty encompassing.

In the video, I think this is when we have a switch, as Mikoto’s expression changes in the outside world mirror.

The chorus again, softboy Mikoto is shoved into the vaporwave shadow realm headspace. He’s asking the audience to investigate him here, but I also like to joke that he’s like “uwu look at me I could never harm anybody, pwease let me out”, which may be true only so far as softboy Mikoto is out.

I wonder if in “I will NEVER forgive you if this is happening to me” is directed at the shadow alter instead of the audience? Like softboy Mikoto is saying “I swear to god if you murdered someone im gonna be so pissed, but I also already kinda know it’s happening.” Just another take.

In the video, softboy Mikoto is THROWN into the headspace, where he is gifted with just one hint of what’s going on: The Devil tarot card.

You DARE accuse Miette of murder? Oh! 1000 years jail for Milgram viewer!

Now the vaporwave space starts to turn into a bloody mess; perhaps now softboy Mikoto is starting to put two and two together.

“Hurting it, holding it down, it doesn’t change anything, does it”- I definitely understand this being plural, like if your alters are causing problems, you may try and chastise them, or you may try and lock them away deep inside, but that often doesn’t stop them from existing. It’s really cool how that idea is present here. Like YES that’s how it is quite often. So even if softboy Mikoto TRIES to smother or accuse his shadow alter, that’s not going to change anything.

It being the same anywhere he goes makes me think he’s been putting up with this for a long time, that it’s not about what environment he’s in because his shadow alter is with him everywhere he goes.

“It’s like what’s wrong isn’t wrong”- may be referring to multiple things:

-the shadow alter having a different morality (hence why murder is okay for him, his indulgence in smokes and…redbull/alcohol, etc)

-OR, how softboy Mikoto’s amnesia isn’t letting him understand the full picture so everything is okay when he’s out fronting (shadow alter cleaned the place up and stuff, perhaps hiding all evidence of murder)

-“I’m already the fake one”- a very common sentiment for plural folks, worrying if you as an alter aren’t “the original” or if you’re not actually split and it’s something you’re making up, etc. I think softboy Mikoto is having these feelings. Poor boy, wish we could get you some therapy instead :/ (all of Milgram would be very different if only most of these people could get therapy, let’s be honest)

Now, what’s special here is that BOTH alters are in the headpace, with shadow alter Mikoto looming ominously behind softboy Mikoto.

During this next instrumental, just a side note: we see what’s going on through security footage. The security cameras reflecting a third person perspective is kind of neat in context of pluralism, where someone else fronting can feel like a third person awareness to another alter. I may be thinking too much into this one, but it’s a fun connection.

Another thing many plural folk go through: DISSOCIATION FROM REALITY. Ah yes, my good friend dissociation. Especially like in Mikoto’s case, where the consequences of being split have drastic consequences, he could be running away from the truth which may always be partially concealed to him. Something’s VERY wrong, he knows this for sure, and it may be at this point he really realizes “Oh shit. I just committed murder.” But instead of taking responsibility in any way, he’s trying to imagine that it’s a fabricated reality. I’m not going to say if this makes him bad or not, but it is a known coping mechanism.

I know I mention that the bad habits of smoking and drinking may be the shadow alters habits, but they could also be softboy Mikoto’s own methods of escapism, which definitely fits with the above lyrics. “I need to wake up soon”- but he still realizes that he’s going to have to face the harsh truth of reality soon.

Now this point indicates a marked change in softboy Mikoto and shadow alter Mikoto’s relationship: I believe there may be a time when softboy Mikoto expects to come back out to the front, but now the shadow alter is starting to take over fully and keep softboy Mikoto locked inside. This is supported by the Outcome card in his celtic cross spread being The Devil. Not only does this card have its own meanings, but here it may mean that the more violent side of him takes over.

Again, don’t know if he’s talking to the audience or his shadow alter in never forgiving this outcome. I believe softboy Mikoto does have a clearer morality in that murder is NOT okay, and if he were to fully acknowledge that he as a whole was capable of that, I think he’d break down. So he’s like “it better NOT be true” because he doesn’t know how he’d be able to deal with that.

Interesting in the video is when Mikoto snaps and the headspace turns red again; I would think this is when the shadow alter is entering the scene and taking over. The snap here is symbolic of the switch.

Now presumably softboy Mikoto is like “PWEASE WET ME OUT MISTEW OBAMA”, which, again with the double meaning, can refer to letting him out of the vaporwave shadow realm headspace OR letting him out of prison. Both apply.

“That it’s a lie

That I’m right”- a nice duality here. Mikoto is having difficulty separating the truth from reality.

Also NOW he is forgiving. Forgiveness vs not forgiveness (grudge)

I think it’s gotten so bad that he’s like “okay fine. Fine if I committed murder, fine if you’re accusing me of murder, but please help me understand what’s going on. Let me out”. Maybe he’ll forgive the shadow alter if only he fesses up to the murder.

Of note for the scene however is that shadow alter Mikoto is holding up The Fool card, which represents softboy Mikoto in this case. “I’m right” may be the shadow alter’s sentiment.

-THE CARDS AT THE END-

Then, all the cards show up in more detail, all depicting weapons instead of the standard minor arcana that you might see in your standard Rider Waite tarot deck (which these are based off of). The Wands are baseball bats, the Swords are kitchen knives, the Cups are…poison cans? Acid? The Pentacles are….records but I can see these being rotary saws if you squint. The Wheel of Fortune has car wheels with a snake….GTA time baby (the snake being hidden danger, the devil’s temptation, etc). The chariot is a really weird motorcycle death machine. I was thinking how like, people would drag people along behind them while driving a vehicle as a method of torture so there is that.

Now we see some cards not in the original spread- I think this represents shadow alter Mikoto inserting himself into the headspace and changing things to fit his goals. We see a couple placed in the original spread, but some don’t and are just free-floating, but you’ll see below we have enough context to decipher their meaning.

First, it’s the Page of Pentacles, which has taken over the position of the 7 of swords as the current challenge affecting the issue. This card indicates “Manifestation, financial opportunity, skill development”. I think this means the shadow alter is finally learning to take full control.

Then we see the reverse 2 of swords, which represents “Indecision, confusion, information overload, stalemate”. This could probably represent softboy Mikoto not suddenly understanding why the shadow alter is ALSO in the headspace. Maybe his dual presence in the outside world AND the headspace is indicative of exactly when he learned to take full control. This was NOT in Mikoto’s original spread.

Wheel of Fortune again, which was in the original spread. “Bad luck, negative external forces, out of control”. Yup, that confirms it.

Next, the Five of Swords from the original spread comes up. “Conflict, tension, loss.png, defeat, win at all costs, betrayal”. Softboy Mikoto is now being completely taken over. There is a facedown card on the chair. This might be the one that reads as Death later, so it may be that softboy Mikoto is…KILLED OFF?

Cup of Ace, “Love, compassion, creativity, overwhelming emotion”. I think this one is also meant to represent softboy Mikoto, but it could be that the shadow alter sees it as an act of mercy to take full control for softboy Mikoto. Maybe he feels his alter can’t handle reality and he’s going to take over full time. Or more likely he just has ulterior motives.

Reverse King of Cups. “emotional manipulation, moodiness, volatility”. Softboy Mikoto was lead along, thinking it was okay to leave things to the shadow alter or to exist alongside him. Now we see that isn’t a viable solution.

Reverse Five of Wands. “conflict avoidance, diversity, agreeing to disagree”.  I went over this more in the other post.

Chariot is the last one, WHICH ALSO WAS NOT IN THE ORIGINAL SPREAD. “Control, willpower, success, action, determination”. The shadow alter Mikoto has taken full control. Which is very quickly followed by…

Shadow alter Mikoto drawing Death. Also not in the original spread. Perhaps effectively “killing off” softboy Mikoto and betraying him.

Concluding Thoughts.

Now, I understand I do take most of these lyrics from softboy Mikoto’s perspective, but I’m sure there’s a layer of deception added on by his shadow alter. The Challenge card of the 7 of swords did represent betrayal. So softboy Mikoto’s only context into what’s going on outside may be his headspace tarot reading. If you want to question some of the lyrics, or even think one of the alters is lying, that would add SO much to the complexity of the situation, and I wouldn’t put it past the Milgram team to add something like that.

Common Themes/Symbols:

The mirror, both in the headspace and in the outside world bathroom

The Hanged Man- in a painting in the headspace and on Mikoto’s shirt. Indicative of being wrongly accused or martyred. Softboy Mikoto is likely represented with this, as well as The Fool. The Fool painting probably is there to show that he doesn’t know any better, that he is without the knowledge of what his shadow alter is doing (or doesn’t believe he’s doing anything wrong)

The Half Moon- a light side and a dark side. Pretty self-explanatory. Symbolically, it can also represent life and death. NICE.

Sorry if the conclusions end up being kind of vague. That’s the way a lot of this video is; what’s really going on, as it usually is, is up to viewer interpretation at this stage. I was just hoping to provide a bit of context into the images in the video, plural life, and narrator interpretation. I just really love this video and after this full analysis hope others can at least appreciate the work that went into it.

[littledevil-jpeg]

Okay, so last post I was giving Lucifer 5B some credit for getting me interested and intrigued about a shitty character, so, as all things should be balanced, here comes the other side of the question. I'll say right off the bat that Lucifer was never a show I took seriously, all at once because of the tone, the way they chose to develop and delve into the themes, the monster-of-the-week format (though also done in spn, there it's redeemed by the darker tone and more subtle theme-development. Obviously, this is S1-S5 I'm talking about) and again the overall way this world works. I've been known to accuse Cobra Kai and even Breaking Bad for coincidence-bending, but they don't even come close to the level of Lucifer here. Then, of course, there's how easy everything is, like a bloody sled on ice: drugs - no problem, kill someone - no problem, infiltrate a mafia group - no fooking problem. How? Well, glaze over that, it's not that important. Except it is. Remember how in that same Breaking Bad Walter's team spent considerable chunks of the show planning, hiding evidence, preparing, measuring little details, diligently covering up their tracks. And they were only involved in a measly drug manufacturing business. Imagine the shit Lucifer runs, with crime bosses, drugs, demons and prostitutes piling out of his front door. Obviously it's a show about angels and demons, and the realism isn't the focus of the program, but still, these things matter. There's always a convenience to it. Like, oh, you need to infiltrate the Russian mafia or some shit? Don't worry, I know a guy - and poof, problem gone. That's not even to mention the universe bending out of shape all around Lucifer, everyone (Chloe especially) putting up with his humiliating bullshit, the fact that he would be kicked out the police in anything even remotely resembling real life, that the mc's get away with almost everything, the unrealistic dialogue that no human irl ever speaks, the second-hand embarrassment, the cheesy "morale" speeches, the dull, predictable cases that are all done by the same formula... and more. So okay, there's a lot, a lot, of problems with this show. Which is why no one really takes it that seriously, we all know it's kind of trashy. But "kind of trashy" is one thing. Now, when season 5 introduces a genuine "evil twin" that we're meant to take with even a bit of seriousness, in the footsteps of such chef d'oeuvres as Dispicable Me 3, when that twin is the most caricature-like villain in recent history, when the allmighty is a buffoon with half a brain, forget omniscient, and isn't even in-line with the stuff he's done before, when one of the main cast is offed as though mid-sentense, with no lead-up, no foreshadowing, no preamble, like a toss of a dice, when the main character is on a race to become God himself, and his love interested Mrs God, and when, oh, Jesus fucking Christ, just stop already! I truly wonder if the writer's room a big dart board with all these drunk-ass ideas stuck onto it, and they blind throw to make the next season. It's finally hitting me now, as I'm writing this, what on god's green earth I watched yesterday.

Why does Lucifer need to become God? Why does a war in Heaven even have to be introduced? Why not focus of the more intricate inter-personal conflicts on Earth, on the characters and their mentalities, on those meaningful arcs that hold actual importance, and emotion, and down-to-earth (lol), well, meaning again. Why do we need a heavenly war? Why does Lucifer need the approval of the angels, when the moral seems to be that he makes himself who he is, not his status, not his people, not his past and not the Silver City (an excellent moral, by the way, so credit where it's due. This self-actualisation business is the second best thing in the whole show)? I get that this is why the majority vote doesn't work, but then what does work? Are they ment to self-actualise into becoming God? Now, I'm aware it's left uncertain whether Luci really is God, so I won't go there for now, but then we have the issue of his resurrection. Was it a reward for self-sacrifice? That wouldn't fit so well, considering all the previous sacrifices that were much more impressive than this one. And what's the philosophy behind that - he's acting out of love? But to what end, if by dying he practically fucked all the other people on Earth, including the very same Chloe he just brough back down? Are these really the qualities for a God to have?

Or did he once again self-actualise, but this time he actualised himself to life? That would truly be a stake-killer. I saw a theory that he finally saw himself as worthy of Heaven, which doesn't quite link to coming back to life. Well, these are perhaps, once again, speculations, and maybe this will be cleared up next season. As for Lucifer's God status, it's a shitty move on the writers' part. Not only was the execution rushed, but thematically, again, Lucifer becoming God to feel worthy of Chloe is nonsense. From a plot and theme standpoint, why does this need to happen? This Godly status holds no meaning, no emotional worth, it's not fullfilling, not symbolic of anything fitting other than that same old "bad to good" and I guess the irony of the Devil becoming God, but the irony is an empty one if it has no real meaning. Which is the case. The whole thing is empty of substance, and I don't know why they went there. You know, it's hollow anyway, not least because Lucifer really doesn't deserve it. Even this season, he is nothing but a child - he acts and thinks like a child, he unchangeably does the same "projecting" bs from season to season to season with no actual sign of emotional maturity other than that in the words of other characters. But you can say he's different all you want, it's not gonna work if the subtle signs of his change aren't there. Say, imagine if Endeavor kept running his mouth about atonement, but kept dutifully abusing his kids - this is that. And yeah, Lucifer loves Chloe in his own way, cares about her, and even comes out of his self-absorbed little world for her, which by the way bugged me about their uneven relationship since season 1 (you know, treating her like shit with a flimsy excuse and then "making up" for it with a grand gesture of sacrifice or a round of angsty suffering. Time after time, every time.)

And finally, of course, there's the issue of how inconsiderate it is to Chloe for him to become God. I mean, it's dead obvious no relationship will be possible there, not without becoming even more unhealthy than it already seems. Themathic significance and meaning aside, even then, even in-universe, it's a shitty thing Lucifer does, again, for himself. So that he feels worthy of Chloe. What she feels, once he's made it his goal to do something, essentially doesn't matter anymore. And the plot fascilitates this splendidly, I mean, she always forgives him without fault like a well-oiled machine. Always, whatever he does, and it's gotten old a long time ago. We know Lucifer can do anything, anything at all, and he will be forgiven - by Chloe, by Maze, by Dan, by Linda, by Amenadiel, by anyone that he needs to forgive him. You'll be lucky if they don't do it the same episode, and extraordinarily lucky if it takes them three or four.

There are many other things to discuss this season, like Dan's ridiculously badly written death, Chloe's whole character stagnation, the, khm, the musical episode, the saturaday morning cartoon villain problem, the fact that Michael manages to descieve an omniscient being, and God himself. I might do those separately, might not, we'll see, as those aren't nearly as interesting to dissect as the above.

Aaaand, anyway, if he is now God, I strongly suspect they'll play the angle of "even though he's God, he stills feels shitty, as true self-love/worth comes from elsewhere" and the usual thing.

[pluviophile-bookworm]

High School Musical: The Musical: The Series: The Rewatch pt.3

Ok, full disclosure: I should not be doing this right now. But I've been thinking about it since yesterday and, well, I reckon I can go over 1x4 and 5, and then move on to my actual work. So here we are. I'm really, really excited for these two, so without further ado, I'll dive right into:

1x4: It's hard to believe that I couldn't see... the majority of what happens in this episode when I first watched it

Why is Nini such a pro at making a scene with whoever her current boyfriend is in the middle of a public place? I mean, I get it that she's upset about EJ going through her phone — who wouldn't be — but maybe - and this is just a friendly suggestion — she could try and discuss that in private, not start a shouting match within view of all their classmates. Just saying.

'Ricky would never steal my phone' — well, perhaps not, but he's not quite above deleting stuff from it, either... I wonder if whoever is writing this show knows that there are many other ways to make a relationship unhealthy... it's not funny anymore. Just repetitive.

Ahhh Natalie and her emotional support hamster! At least there's one good thing about this scene.

Sure, Ricky, blame Big Red for the fact that you misplace your stuff... a very nice best friend he's got, indeed.

Gosh, everything is so awkward and there is just so much tension all over the place — Ricky's parents, then EJ and Nini, and then Carlos just being oblivious to the fact that they just broke up... you know, that last part just made me laugh. And then Ricky's reaction to his parents legally separating just broke my heart. That boy's been through too much.

Big Red being completely clueless about theatre terms is super funny and endearing, but let me just put myself in his shoes for a sec. He's followed his best friend into a badly thought-out scheme to get back together with his ex, got dragged into joining the crew, and is now expected to know what everything is. I would not put up with that... ok, who are we kidding, I'm a massive pushover and would put up with anything, but my point is... he shouldn't have to. At least people are doing the bare minimum to help him learn and nobody's laughed at him for not knowing. That's the good thing about this crew.

Ok, so I have posted about my thoughts of their take on What I've Been Looking For before, back when the episode was brand new, so I won't go into detail about that. In short, I think they've got the arrangement all wrong considering that it is a plot point in the original movie, but... the execution is funny. The scene is about Nini and EJ's post-breakup tension and it shows. I just kind of wish now Miss Jenn had pulled Nini out and put Gina in, even just for this rehearsal — and I might or might not be saying this as a Portwell shipper.

Miss Jenn is done with the students' personal drama and honestly, I'm right behind her. These kids are being completely unprofessional — and well, I realise that we can't expect them to be professional at this stage, but... they could at least try to concentrate on rehearsal and not their personal lives for a second.

Ricky hugging a cushion is my spirit animal. That's it, that's the comment.

Ahhh the tension between EJ and Gina though... 'around here seniors don't follow sophomores' — well, we'll see how it goes, Mr. Senior.

What gives Nini the right to shout at strangers about their relationship? I am honestly so frustrated with her these days. Wonder why I never was during season 1. The reasons are all there.

'He loves you' — yeah, like a little sister, he does. Also, Ash is so precious, always trying to see the good in other people. EJ 1.0 is so lucky he had her as an example.

Ok, I'm not going to go into what an amazing best friend Big Red is because we all know that (plus I'm saving it for a certain scene in 1x5), but this must be so hard for him. I mean, he's trying his absolute best to help Ricky feel better and distract him from his problems, and Ricky is turning everything down. I mean, I guess I understand where he's coming from too, but I'm unable to look at things through the lead-centric lens alone anymore. I'm more aware of non-lead characters now (some more so than others) and this is putting a whole new spin on my perception of everything that happens.

I've got no idea how Big Red can sleep with all this noise, though. I could never. But to each their own.

'perfect on paper' — that's EJ 1.0 to a T. I've got to give Nini that.

Ricky wearing the pride t-shirt... we love to see it.

See, this is why I keep forgetting why I ever shipped Rini and then remembering again... their chemistry is just so on-again-off-again, and here it's definitely present, but I just need a couple with consistent chemistry, you know. Hey, isn't that kind of what All I Want is about? Kind of. I don't know. I've been unable to listen to that song ever since it got big irl. I have this... problem with media that becomes popular and mainstream... I mean, I never hold a grudge against things just for being popular, but I just... relate to underrated stuff much easier. Not because it's underrated, but it just so happens that nearly everything I like and relate to is underrated in some capacity. Even HSMTMTS itself — it's practically unheard of here in Bulgaria, so I would not have found it if I hadn't been looking for it specifically. Ok, this comment got derailed several times. I guess I'll just stop here and move right on to 1x5 at this point.

1x5: A bedazzled tablecloth, a perfectly balanced unicycle and bad reception at the barn... not the perfect ingredients, but they can still... Work This Out

'Miss Jenn says that's a life in the arts... well, that and almost constant unemployment' — alright, I know this line is not supposed to be funny, and that it's a painful reality for a lot of people, but... maybe it's the delivery. I just laugh every time.

See, this is what I mean when I say I want to see consistent chemistry — Seblos have it. I mean, I really don't want to jinx things, but... they do.

Big Red seems to be in a more... outspoken mood today, I guess you could say. Too bad Ricky is still shutting everything he says down. Seriously, Big Red and Seb should start a club for people who try their best to be there for their loved ones and still keep being shushed.

I might be super frustrated with nearly everything Nini says and does (can somebody please tell me why that is?), but... flushing her dress down the toilet? Major mood.

Listen, I love Miss Jenn and that she's close to her students, but... emerging from a toilet cubicle and inviting herself to Kourtney and Nini's girls' night was... Will Shuester level of questionable.

Ricky being the mature one about his parents separation is... I mean, it's admirable, but how did he move past the impending depression of last episode and towards being the one who tells his dad to get up and move on? Well, I mean, good for him. But I think the issue is far from buried yet.

'Friend of the year'? Ricky? I don't think so. First of all, if he were, he'd know that Big Red does not have two left feet. Wasn't it you, Ricky, who was stumbling over the steps in HSM a couple of weeks ago? You're one to talk. Plus Big Red's been listening and trying to help while you've just been spouting off about your personal problems for... how long has it been now? I get it, Ricky has issues that he needs to work through, but he's almost legally blind in both eyes when it comes to Big Red.

Ok, but Ricky is the epitome of 'cannot solve his own problems but has a suggestion on how everybody else should solve theirs' in this episode. Maybe take a step back and listen to your own advice?

'My parents think I'm bonding with the livestock' — I've got no idea why I find this line so funny, but I do. And I've got so much love for this entire scene. Carlos' reaction to Seb's response to his invitation is just... the most adorable thing ever! My heart might just burst. Especially given what we're about to go through tomorrow in 2x10... I am. Not. Ready.

The entire karaoke scene just reminds me of... pretty much every extended family reunion on my mum's side. Her cousins love karaoke and are also completely tone-deaf. I love it that they're able to have fun with it, but my ears are still recovering from my great aunt's birthday party two years ago.

'When did you become Nini?' — Why does Mr. Mazzara know so much about his students' dating lives? I mean, Miss Jenn does, too, but he doesn't strike me as someone as invested in them as her. Idk, it just struck me as kind of weird.

'I didn't agree to photos' — please, EJ, I'm sure you'll want memories from your first fake-dating gig with Gina... once you're no longer fake-dating, you know. Boy, these two are going to have stories to tell to their grandchildren.

I've said some stuff about Nini, but... 'a bedazzled tablecloth' is the funniest description I've heard for Gina's homecoming dress.

'Maybe it's not actually about you at all.' Yeah, you tell him, Reddy! Ricky needs to get over himself.

The way Big Red sniffs out the drama, though... I was not-so-randomly reminded of that moment in 2x9 where Seb was like Carlos. and Big Red was like, 'Are you guys fighting?'...

Big Red doing a comedic lip-reading of Gina and EJ's dramatic scene is absolutely hilarious. I might or might not have sold my heart and soul to him after seeing that scene for the first time. But I just remembered how he said earlier that maybe he can't read lips and that just makes this 100% funnier — he was basically like a child who can't read yet making up a story based on the pictures in a book, and I mean it in the best way possible. He's a theatre dark horse, this one, and they should all be intimidated — or inspired, whatever they choose — by his hidden talents. Gosh, I love this guy. But can you blame me?

'You think I'm actually going to confide in you?' — Absolutely. You can't bully someone from your position of authority over them and then act like you're their friend. I do know now that Mr. Mazzara has hidden depths, but he had no right to be as rude to Carlos as he was in 1x3. He was right about one thing, though — Carlos doesn't need a dance partner to dance.

Ricky saying he was going to apologise to Gina and counting that as an apology is giving me major TJ/ Buffy flashbacks. I wonder why that is... * sarcasm *

Nini feeling like a fraud makes me actually sympathise with her for a second. But I feel like Nini's flaw of defining herself through boys and Ricky in particular has been addressed one time too many now, since it was first addressed here in this episode. If they make her and Ricky get back together again in season 2, I will riot. [side note: I feel like the Born to Be Brave scene says a lot about both Rini and Seblos as couples. Nini and Carlos both feel, in the moments leading up to the song, like they are incomplete without their partners. Ricky, too, has built his personality entirely around Nini at that time (and is still not completely over that in s2). And then the song comes in to remind them that they don't need a partner to be happy. I'm just thinking of Big Red's 'perfectly balanced unicycle' comment from the promotional materials, and of how he and Ashlyn, even when they're dating in s2, are never portrayed as being incomplete without each other. I guess there's a reason why they're the Beta Couple of the show — their relationship drama is nearly non-existent, and when it does exist, it's just caused by them caring too much about each other. Every other couple on the show should learn from them.]

Everybody supporting Carlos during the Born to Be Brave number just warms my heart so much... I am actually crying real tears. And then the end, when Seb finally shows up, right in time for the slow dance... I have a lot of feelings about this scene.

Seblos' dialogue here still kind of makes me cringe a little... but like, in a good way.

Yikes... Miss Jenn's getting into trouble... I mean, it was bound to happen sooner or later. But she's lucky she's had enough time with her students for them to love her enough to fight for her. Still, this is a topic for another episode, and so I won't expand on it in this post.

Well, that's it. That was 1x4 and 5. Those were pretty much my favourite episodes when season 1 was airing. And I can definitely see why, even if my views on some things have changed due to stuff that happens later. But, as I constantly say, that's what rewatches are for. In other words, 'once more, with feeling this time' as my choir director used to say.

[twoidiotwriters1]

Hollywood!AU -(Anne xFem!Reader)

A/N: Warning, this is LONG and ends up abruptly. I hope it was somehow near to what you were imagining! -Danny

Request: 🍇-Ik I'm late but I rly wanted to try this out. So the characters and me and a girl named 'angie' Anne. It's basically set in hollywood and they both are enemies, but they grow fond of each other over time and start dating. Paparazzi interfere and what not (i'm bored). Can you make it really angst and some smuts? (I'm a bi girl, btw) @nandos-hub-for-dumbasses​

Warnings: Mentions of smut and sad cuties

Twoidiots Masterlist

Okay so, you guys kinda grew up in the industry so you became “enemies” while being really young

And it was probably a silly fight, or maybe your parents put you against each other, or maybe you were always competing for the big parts on tv shows and movies

The point is that by the time you guys were seventeen you hated each other with a burning passion (as any seventeen-year-old does)

Then it happened: You were casted as best friends for an indie teen movie

You really wanted to refuse, but Ruby (your irl best friend) did her best to convince you against it

This could be your big break (and it was)

But only bc the chemistry you and Anne had on screen was ??? so wholesome and great???

You even made a sequel 

And then it became a trilogy, with your characters going to different schools by the time they graduate HS so it’s really cheesy and heartfelt

but Anne and you actually worked out your differences during the process and by the time you finish the third movie you both actually cry bc you won’t work together again??

You keep in touch but both of you have projects and things to do, until three years later when you both are invited to the Oscars and HOLY FUCK ANNE IS HOT NOW???

Like sure she was always beautiful, which was part of the reason why you kinda disliked her but omg right now you wouldn’t mind it if she kicked you in the face

Anne sees you and rushes over to hug you, the paparazzi are going WILD this is the reunion of the bffs from that movie everyone used to love!!

In the middle of the ceremony you even convinced THE Marilla Cuthbert (amazing actress) to switch seats with you so you can spend the rest of the night with Anne

The after party’s wild, everyone’s there. Funnily enough, you can’t recall most of the faces bc all you can remember of that night is 1-you ended up drunk as hell and 2-right before you two started drinking Anne had already made out with you in the bathroom

What came next was pretty much the best time of your life. Dates, nightcalls, instagram stories, suddenly a month turned into six, then nine...

As twenty-something-year-olds, you and Anne have tons of offers falling into your laps, Anne gets a call for a casting call and she gets the main role.

This main role happens to have a romantic interest. Who turns out will be played by none other than Gilbert John Blythe.

He’s been in the industry for like two, maybe three years. But the kid’s a charmer, he’s got brains and he’s beautiful. Everyone loves him. 

And everyone wants Anne to love him as well. 

You get tons of video recs on youtube titled “Anne and Gilbert in love for ten minutes straight” or “everytime Anne undresses Gilbert with her eyes”

It’s alright, you’ve seen this before, and you can’t blame them, they have an amazing chemistry in the show and it’s only natural that people wants that to be real

But god, the toxic fans are the worst, the comments about “imagine having to say goodbye to Gil only to go home and find Y/N there... disgusting”

You should stop reading those comments, really you should. They’re unhealthy, and these people don’t even know you

You manage to ignore most of it until the press releases the pictures: Anne and Gilbert walking out of some random restaurant in the city where they film the show... kissing.

Angry doesn’t even start to describe you rn. You’re seething, you’ve been humiliated, your twitter and your texts are both blowing up with notification. 

Anne calls you at least thirty times before she stops trying.

She finished season one and takes the first flight back to you, and it takes all of her courage, but she goes to your house as soon as she lands safely. 

Then two hours pass before you open the door. 

You were out with Ruby getting wasted, so when you get home you come face-to-face with Anne sitting on your driveway and crying her eyes out thinking you’re just ignoring her.

She sees you and she stands up, you try to escape and ignore her, you tell her you don’t wanna know, that she should move on and forget you bc she’s clearly happy with Gilbert

She says it took her by surprise, that Gilbert kissed her without her consent, but you don’t believe her.

But you’re also very drunk, and shit, you’d missed Anne so badly...

Her perfume somehow smells stronger than usual, and your eyes land on her pouty lips, you’re bitter, but you’re also desperate to feel her mouth on you.

You pull her in roughly for a kiss she was definitely not expecting, but her hands are quick to get all over you. Half an hour later, her fingers are in you.

You hate her, but you’re deeply in love, and you can’t remember where one ends and the other starts. You’re all feelings, and every single thought in your mind belongs to her.

it’s only when you’re completely sober, after the third -or was it the fourth?- round, that you decide to get it over with.

“Do you like him?” 

Anne’s falling asleep with her arm around you, but she tenses. She wants to say no, of course she doesn’t! Gilbert would never compare... Gilbert shouldn’t occupy a single though in her mind

Yet, she keeps thinking about his kiss, even though they ended up in really bad terms afterwards

“I love you. Isn’t that what you should care about?”

That’s not the answer you want, and both of you know she can’t give you a real answer, you know her so well by now, you can practically read her swirling thoughts, all confusing, undecided.

“I can’t be your partner for as long as you continue working with him. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to quit, I’m not asking you to... I’m tired of the hate in social media, of me being the one that somehow doesn’t belong next to you simply bc I’m not the popular heartthrob—” “I want you!”

“But I want to be happy.”

Add yourself to out taglist!

Forever Taglist.

@i-am-scared-and-useless-bisexual​ @just-here-to-escape-from-reality​ 

ANNE Taglist.

@ninizkd @http-itsrebecca​ @aleksosoto​ 

[foxymoxynoona]

hi foxy!

I actually didn’t know about fan fictions until recently and I discovered yours from a friend. My bias before reading ur stories was tae BUT IT CHANGED TO JUNGKOOK after reading. That’s how much of an amazing writer you are 💜 Your stories aren’t specifically about Jungkook in real life but u incorporated his cute little habits which made me FALLL IN LOVE WITH HIM. I know it’s unhealthy for me and I feel like I’m doing something wrong Bc I am simping for him so badly. Like even in this “😏” way?!!!??!!? HELP. I don’t wanna be a delulu but he is so hot and perfect. Sorry. I really wanted to share this with everyone hoping someone can make me feel better for this obsession I now have with Jungkook 😂

WOW. Funny enough, Tae is actually the one who initially got me into BTS! And I still love him but I think IRL he and I would maybe murder each other if we tried to be romantic. We'd have to be friends who love and squabble, I'm certain of it.

Honestly, the fun part to me of writing FF is finding the ways to incorporate cute little habits and details. It's like a puzzle or a challenge, "Ok, I'm writing this story, but what are the little things I want to make sure I weave in."

He is so super duper hot but actually one of the reasons I think he's so fun to write is that he isn't perfect! And his imperfections are perfect in the same sense that any of the imperfections we see in ourselves are also perfect! I really like that he's talked in the past about things he doesn't like about himself, because it helps me be like 'wait! but I like those things about you! Maybe... I am... likeable too...??!" (Also, let me tell you, some of his "endearing" traits would not be as endearing if you were actually married to them, lol, I promise...)

As for obsession, look. LOOK, my friend. I go deep into my interests. And there is nothing wrong with that as long as you set some warning flags for when you need to pull yourself out. Are you letting your daydreams impact relationships with real friends? Are you neglecting self care? Are you saying no to social things you'd actually really enjoy? Are you letting your hobby drift into a dark realm of imagination that makes you feel not good about yourself or think bad things about yourself because you don't live up to your own imaginary demands? Then stop, take a breath, put yourself in time out, make yourself do something to catch your breath.

But if you're just daydreaming and happy and having fun, then have at it! We shouldn't judge passion based on its output! Who cares if you watch four hours of Run BTS a night? Other people work on their car engines or watch sports or weave baskets or bake cookies or whatever. Passion is passion, and as long as you're still taking care of yourself and not letting yourself lose sight of your own health, you're all good <3