#i want friends who live nearby
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all that i want is the friendship that bears in trees sing about. is that too much to ask.
#let's go#i want friends who live nearby#or with me#and we do things together#'hey i'm going to the store'#'hey let's have a campfire tonight'#'hey i love you'#i'm fucking yearning#bears in trees
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Why does tfcon have to come right when I need to pay rent 😔
#relic answers#normally this would not be an issue#but we’re waiting on my grandma’s social security money that’ll come right in the middle of the tfcon dates#and she kind of Can’t Pay The Rent By Herself#and I feel like it would be jerkish of me to leave my other family who lives nearby to do it#so even though I really want to go I have to be responsible 😞#I would’ve met a lot of my friends in person for the first time if I were to go#…great now I’m making myself sad ahshdhdh#I’ll stop before I start spiraling lol
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I having lots of emotions about not graduating this spring this evening and I don't appreciate it.
#my friend just got offered a national parks job#which is what he's wanted for years#we took a class together two falls ago and he was talking about it then#and i am so so happy for him#he has worked his ass off and deserves it#but i am also so sad for me#i feel like i've lost so much time to being sick and like i haven't accomplished the things i wanted to in college#but everyone else around me is#national parks jobs. fulbright finalists. grad school applications. editor of the school paper. starting a band. getting engaged soon.#idk i know this will pass and five years from now this will not seem like a big deal#but right now it is so heavy#and also i'm pretty lonely in my real life right now#my roommate spends so much time with her boyfriend who lives an hour away#my other friends are so busy i rarely see them#i don't live on campus anymore so i don't have a nearby community#i get most of my social interaction with my residents at work#and i love them but i do desperately need other kinds of social interaction#anyway everyone ignore this
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I am soooo bad at transitional times of life. High school graduation ? More like, fuck,
#sierra speaks#half my friends are moving away for college...#and im working all summer#and some of my teachers are leaving the school not that I'll be there anymore#leaving behind juniors who I'll miss#not knowing what yearbooks gonna do...#not getting to do as much w art club as i wanted to#its like high school is hell and it feels like it lasts forever but suddenly its just gone and there wasnt enough time#i know i know theres life after it yeah#but i...#it's still a change and its sad#my best friends family is moving out of state too#shes coming back and will live in dorms nearby me but still it's...#and i have to learn to drive...#even though i dont want toooooooo#like i do cause im a big kid now but like#no one prepared me for the emotional damage that growing up was gonna do and i havent even like done the risky heartbreak shit#anyways thats ur daily dose of sierra questioning life#maybe tmrw I'll journal instead of writing in the tags of mt ow posts NFJSFBDJ
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Culturally I am Too Online but in practice I am not online enough to try to date other extremely online people. I ended my last relationship because it annoyed me that she wanted me to discord message her consistently throughout the day and I think I was in the right for that.
#also her whole group of friends had location tracking turned on on their phones so that they could see where each other were at all the time#i was like hello??? you need to know me for 3-5 years before you can demand constant access to my time and attention lmao#fuck instant messaging#anyway. i want a normie boyfriend who doesn’t use social media and lives nearby
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I really want to do some paintings right now !!!
#I’m staying with my grandparents right now which is nice but I’m bored out of my mind#I want to paint so bad !!!!#I’m not actually too bored cause I used to live with my grandparents for a long time so I have lots of friends here who live nearby#but I do not have paints here… sad….#and I’m not sure when I ger to go back home so who knows when I can do my painting#idk I brought my book I guess I will read -_- or do some drawings in my sketchbook which is actually so nice but then it’s like ok. well I#can’t color it :(
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born to love carrot cake, forced to live in a world where everyone hates carrot cake
#ramblings#shitpost#i really want to make carrot cupcakes#BUT it would mean i would have to eat them all on my own#because my friend who lives nearby doesnt like carrot cake and i dont know anyone else who likes it#so i kinda need to make some sort of muffin/cupcake he likes.#unless i eat it all on my own#which yeah i CAN do that. but also that is not a healthy ammount of carrot cupcakes lol
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this weekend i am feeling like the most loved and spoiled and luckiest girl in the universe
#i get to live in this place where the kitchen gets the most beautiful sunlight in the morning ?#with all of my precious postcards on the walls and my trinkets all around ?#with my cat whos been with me for nearly 18 years ?#i get to spend time with lovely friends who live nearby ?#i get to taste my best far away friend's baking for the first time ? i get teared up by generosity and love ?#i live with the cuddliest person who can't help but hug me 20 times a day ? i can work right next to him and bug him whenever i want ?#amazing
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I think I might be more mentallly ill than i thought haha
When im truly alone i talk at nothing. Just took a sip of water and said, “hydrate before you diedrate motherfuckers” while pointing at a door that leads to *my* room. Like- *who am i even talking to????* who tf knows
Theres also the barking
#lifeblog#shitpost#idk anymore man#i talk at nothing cause i cant shut up ever#good luck to anyone i live with in the future who i fully unmask around#if thats even anyone cause im so used to masking around EVRRYONE for their comfort#mostly cause theres usually someone nearby who i dont want to unmask around#so no one has ever seen me fully unmasked besides my pets#cause its not something i can express to online friends#and those i know in person i dont trust enough to fully unmask
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some girls i know just did their turning 20 ceremony (japan) and asked me what i did for mine. ......T_T
#look up 20 year old ceremony kimono T_T theyre so beautiful#i love kimono. this particular style you only really get the one chance to wear.#the photos online dont really do it justice#my friend wore a bright teal one with an orange obi. but you could barely tell because of how patterned it is#jaw dropping#i live nearby a great second hand clothes place that ive gotten a couple of little things from. im considering making a bigger purchase#before going home. either a fox pelt (with a face and everything) or an old kimono#just to have#a lot of japanese people thing its nice when foreigners wear kimono in japan but i couldnt do it when i get home i dont think#im not saying theres a rule book about what to do im saying i would feel uncomfortable doing it#i would be buying it just to have. i already own a kimono its proper silk and embroidered.#maybe i get an obi#who knows. i love the store so i want to give them more of my money before i go#anyway i was jealous bc i havent celebrated my birthday since i was 8 bc my friend didnt invite me to theirs and i got confused so i stoppe
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so one of the girls I met through theatre is this super chill and laid-back punk art major who let her hair grow out and kept it natural through the entire play and then the day after our closing show chopped it into a pixie cut and dyed it bright pink and she's the same age as me and incidentally one of the first people I "met"/became acquainted with when I moved here only we didn't ever actually talk until we were working on the play and honestly I think there's something funny and quite a bit meant to be about that
#Providential mayhaps#because I was too wallflowery/bitter/unwanting of friends when I first moved here and met this girl (I met her mom first#bc she's the head librarian at the library and she told me about her daughter who's my age. and then I saw this girl in the store#and she had funky colored hair and I told her I liked it. we said hi whenever we saw each other. etc.)#but now a yearish later we can actually be friends!!!!! and I'm so glad!!!!#she's the only person my age I know who lives super nearby so honestly I might literally ask her if she wants to rent an apartment#with me at the end of summer once I have to leave my brother's place sksndmdnfkanfsknvg#Lu rambles#shrimp emotions#<- that's kinda my tag for theatre and/or growing-up shenanigans akshdkabfskfna
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don't wanna damage my brand but i touched some grass earlier and it was pretty good
#jokes aside i spend a LOT of time here#and i'm not normally a photos kind of guy but my friend who used to live nearby wanted pics#so i thought i'd show you guys too#this is my park!! do you like it??
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I know this is everyones new years resolution but. I really do have to start going to the gym again ._.
#I COULD go on the track team again but I dont really want to because ill be a senior so its like ill be the one everyone looks up to...#and i am not very good at track :[ like at all#so really i just have to exercise noncompetitively#although i would love to do it with a friend#i dont have that many friends who live nearby but it would be nice to have people i could go to the gym with#I should ask my friends and see if anyone lives nearby enough..#bloggy
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i want to watch the things on my watchkist but i also never do its rly tragic
#i have plenty of time i always could but instead im like idk what abt laying in bed#whatever. im having a stupid gay moment so i have to like do that instead. <- this judt means i have to sit here and go God i want to be#loved god i wabt to hold somebody i need to be held i should buy a revolver. not elaborating on the last one there are several ways you can#interpret it.#DJFBFJFNFJGNGN#IT JUST. SIGHHH. SIGHHHHH. its my fault for engaging with romance media bc it always makes me so lonely. which sucks#bc it also makes me giddy at times like i like it. but then im likr I dont have this and then i get all emo#its whatever one day when we spontaneously grow and become a real person maybe we will be able to like go out and do like. i dont know#something#almost 1 year its crazy yk. idk.. sigh. i need 2 get my ged#not rly related to any of it but it is ged is the Thing i need to do so i can do everything else#like i need a ged to get a job i need a job to fix my life (itll force me to keep a schedule again) and to get money and i need money to#do Anything at all. sigh#i miss alcohol but also drinking alone sucks. but i cant drink with ppl anymore bc i get too sad. not like my friend edibles who never make#me sad At least not abt that. there was that post abt like humanity through the ages that i cried at RLY HARD for a full hour bc i kept#crying until my screen turned off and then calming down a bit and then turning my phone back on and seeing the post again and immediately#crying again DJFNJF#anyways ive been thinking and i rly wish there was likee. sigh. unfortunately ignoring the mushy stuff i need a partner for utility purposes#1 finances 2 i cant drive and i dont think ill ever be able to . ik i should just try and learn but the thought makes me real life nauseous#but i also uppn reflection would like to live in the countryside maybe. idk i change my mind constantly#bc city is convenient and i havent lived in Cities very much i dont like suburbs bc you cant walk anywhere and theres nothing 2 do#cities you can walk everywhere country you cant but you get to be outside and i want to start being outside again... creek rly solidified#this. my dream house it has a creek nearby#in fact its kind of exactly the same as the creek at granny n papaws house. but without leeches LOL. and maybe less cow shit#but ya. thered be a creek... well in one of my dreamhouses at least#my dreamapartment there isnt a creek bc the apartments in a city with lots of food options. which is a requirement#but maybe there is a little creek in the park in the city but i couldnt swim there i bet. unfortunately.... sigh. but this is where partner#with car clmes in in both situations is in rhe city they could drive me out to a lake . we would go together and maybe wed paddleboard#or we could get one of those little boats that you umm. with the umm. feet. what the... what r they called#whatever we had those at family reunions w papaws family when i was a baby. they were fun. paddleboat???????
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Many years ago, I was wandering around downtown Ottawa with my best friend. We ran into a friend of his who offered us some hash (it sucked), then said there was a really good house party nearby if we wanted to go. We were like, yeah, sure. So that's how we ended up at some completely fucking random person's house.
I look around to ask if my friend knows anyone here and he's simply gone, as is his friend. And this isn't some red solo cup hangout; this is a party. There's people counting out pills on the kitchen counter. I am clearly neither as cool nor as drug-savvy as the kitchen people, so I back away and instead wander aimlessly into the living room, which seems to give off more of a chill vibe.
A bunch of people are seated in a circle on the floor. One of them is fiddling with a big wad of newspaper or something. A really cute grunge girl with piercings and tattoos scoots aside to make room for me, so I sit down.
"What's that," I ask her, gesturing at the newspaper wad.
She gets a really big smile on her face. You know the smile. It's the I'm About To Watch This Innocent Soul Get High As Fuck smile. "You've never smoked a tulip?"
"What's a tulip?" I ask.
"It's like if a joint was also a bong," she replies. "You gotta try it."
"Alright," I reply, a little uncertainly. This will not be my first encounter with weed. I am more comfortable with the janky newspaper bong than I am with whatever the fuck is going on in the kitchen. Besides, this girl is really cute and I would like to have a friend here now that my existing friend has turned into vapor or been transported to the Upside-Down or whatever the hell happened to him.
I watch as one person holds the newspaper joint-bong upright and holds a lighter over the top while another gets beneath it, tilting their head back to take a puff. Apparently smoking this Cheech & Chong monstrosity is a two-person job.
"Oh," I say, looking at the fist-sized knob at the top of the wonky newspaper joint. "Yeah, it does kinda look like a tulip." Grunge girl smiles at me.
I watch as the tulip is passed around the circle, along with the lighter, and hits are cooperatively taken. It reaches grunge girl, who takes a huge puff and holds it for an extended moment before exhaling an impressive blast of smoke. She smiles expectantly and holds the tulip up for me, preparing to spark the gigantic meteor of dank that makes up its tip. By this point I have completely forgotten about my missing friend. I only care about making a good impression on grunge girl. I tilt my head back and hit the tulip like a smokestack.
It is the following morning. I am sleeping between a couch and a wall. I'm not positive that this is the same house I was just in. My memories are gone. Someone is yelling at me: "dude! Dude! Wake up, dude!"
I sit up. My mouth tastes like cigarettes. I do not smoke cigarettes. "Wha," I ask the yelling man, who I am quite confident I have never met before in my life.
"We're going on a quest," he tells me, gravely. "You have to come with us."
I look around. Neither my friend nor his friend are anywhere in sight. I also do not see grunge girl anywhere. I shrug helplessly. "Okay."
We embark from this house. I learn that the destination of this quest is Tim Horton's. This is a relief to me, as coffee and a donut sounds really fucking good right now. Somehow, the route to Tim Horton's takes us past the Governor-General's residence, which everyone else in the group loudly heckles on the way past. I do not know what the Governor-General has done to raise their ire, nor do I particularly care. I trudge along with my hands in my pockets, pleased to note that I still have my wallet, phone, and keys. I fervently wish that I could remember anything about last night. Maybe I talked to grunge girl. Maybe she's why my mouth tastes like cigarettes. The tulip tasted nothing like cigarettes.
I am asked about my politics. I voice my frustrations with corporate corruption, the pay-to-win electoral system, the lack of transparency and accountability. This is met with great approval. The guy who was yelling at me claps me on the back. I get the impression that we became friends last night. I don't recognize his face. I do not know his name and he definitely does not know mine. I behave as though we're friends anyway. We are comrades on a quest.
By the time we make it to Tim Hortons, the gaggle of stoners I'm walking with have all run out of energy and/or attention span. People order snacks and break away in pairs or solo, to call for rides or plan the day's events or just vegetate and wait for the drugs to leave their systems. I look around and find that my nameless friend has also gone to the Upside-Down. As I wash the cigarette taste out of my mouth with coffee, I unsuccessfully try to remember whether I saw grunge girl smoking tobacco at any point. I remember nothing. That tulip was so fucking powerful that it instantly sent me a whole day forward in time.
Alone in the city, I try to call my best friend and get no answer. I walk to the nearest bus stop, catch a bus most of the way home, and call up my parents to ask for a ride back. They ask where my friend is. I tell them that I have no idea; we went to a house party and I don't remember anything else.
When they pick me up from the bus station, they ask me some very safe, nonspecific questions, and seem to relax when I describe what little I can remember. It isn't until years later that I realize they were probably terrified I'd gotten rufied or something, and were so relieved to learn otherwise that they didn't even bother chiding me for smoking myself unconscious in an effort to impress a strange woman. In any case, they were probably happy to find out that I did, in fact, like girls; I suspect they had been privately wondering whether I was gay.
After getting home, I finally manage to get my best friend to answer his phone. I discover that he tried the kitchen pills, spent most of the night crossing the entire city on foot, and crashed at his cousin's house. He sounds like shit. I tell him that he should have tried the tulip, instead. He fervently agrees with me.
I never see grunge girl again.
That's okay, though. She got to see a clueless stranger get fucked the entire way up on some ungodly strain of giga-weed, and I got smiled at by a cute girl, and then I got to go on a quest. Wherever grunge girl is, I hope she's happy. I hope she's smoking the fattest fucking blunt and smiling as some kid passes out behind a couch.
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