#i usually just get 7 hours a day
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I just slept for 14 hours last night and even took a nap for 2 hours (siesta) with my jumbo sized lilia plush. I felt like a refreshed pc today.
#my sleep schedule when i was a kid#i usually just get 7 hours a day#i feel amazing#i didnt feel like yawning the whole day
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embracing my morning gym girlie routine i think. gonna study for like 3 more hours then hit the gym in the cutest workout fit. and then im rewarding myself w my favorite veggie wrap after <3
#studying first thing at dawn just sets the day right for me and i love doing it#but i usually delegate the gym to evening hours. and yesterday i was sour as fuck after bc i just did it on empty#plus i try to get around 7-8 hours of studying in and working out earlier in the day would help me feel sm better#i need the endorphins.#and i could get some flash cards out of the way while i’m there#AND have extra time to hit my orgo lab in the evening and get in a couple hours of research#my social life has been on a major back burner but i can barely get a second to myself these days#so i’m trying not to feel guilty ab my 82727 unanswered msgs. we ball
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I'm so fucked
#ramblings with major#cursing#trying to fix my sleep schedule so i can be on time at work when i have to show up ~6 hours before the store opens#meaning at least 6 hours before i usually get up on early days#and im still struggling to wake up#it doesnt help that i close the night before and if i were to pass out the moment i get home and wake up with Maybe enough time to get ready#id still only get 7 hours of sleep. so with dinner. showering. getting ready for bed. thats at least two hours lost.#and then whether or not i actually fall asleep once my head hits the pillow. well that could be a couple hours.#especially if im so stressed about waking up on time#im not gonna get sleep. i might not even wake up in time. and then i work for 8 hours.#aaaaaaaa#why cant they just close the store. for a DAY#so we can work the NORMAL HOURS
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ok on the verge of whimpering fr now
#my entire leg is fucked and i have to leave for work in an hour#for the 2nd day in a row#still 7-8/10 so not like screaming dying but i don’t want to get up#i was limping yday which i usually try to avoid bc being unbalanced makes it long term worse but i just couldn’t#and my wrist and shoulder are still weird#godddd#p
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I am having the most normal day ever. Not normal as in normal for me, but normal as in for the average person. Ok so I was allowed to skip school today because school is short because of the election and there was no homework or anything, so I slept in, I ate breakfast, I took a shower, I cleaned my room, and did other productive stuff like that and like this all feels so normal? Like usually I don’t sleep well on school days and I don’t have time to shower in the mornings or eat breakfast and I’m usually very lazy and stuff but I’ve done all those things and this feels like an average guy day? Like the type of day that would happen in like a movie or like the type of day you’re supposed to have if that makes any sense? Idk I just feel so jarringly different today and it’s like wow I’m living like a normal guy should? This is so weird to me but it feels like a normal thing and idk how to explain it very well but like this is so strange I’m going to eat lunch and get ahead on my homework all productive-like and just wow I’m having an eerily normal person day???
#sorry to anyone not having a normal day I understand why that would be the case#hope everyone is doing as best as they can be#I just felt like sharing how weirdly normal my day feels this isn’t meant to like flex on anybody or anything 😭#Like wtf I’m cleaning my room and stuff instead of lazing around#this is probably because I slept properly and ate properly I should take better care of myself more often#not that I take horrible care of myself I usually get like 5-7 hours of sleep and eat 1-2 meals a day + snacks#just in case anybody is worried or anything I promise I am not like sleep deprived or starved#personal#not as in secretive but like this is just about my day so far#I am overthinking this post way too damn much bruh I need to just post it#ramble#long post#rope/spider post
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I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.
I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.
There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.
That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.
25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.
Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.
It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.
I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like
I dunno
Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.
I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?
All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.
I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.
#i really wanted to believe that if i just sat down and did the math i'd be able to figure it out.#but there is literally not enough time in the day for me to do all this.#i suppose i could sleep less. it's...not great for me to get less than 9 hrs a day#but i could probably pull it off for brief stints#a week on a week off or something#get an extra two hours a day that way#and then of course there's my old go to#i could just stop eating or taking care of myself#lord knows it's my well-being that restri ts my time more than anything else#and if i work myself to death like mom did instead of committing suicide at least the life insurance pays out#in case anyone gives wifey inheritance trouble#i already don't eat until dinner so that part won't give me a TON of extra time#but an hour a day at the end of the night to write does sound lovely so it might be worth it#on the weeks i sleep less i could use my 2 extra hours a day to do ingredient prep so that wifey's food doesn't go to waste as much#maybe even work on the garden and the yard's facilities a bit. i have a few projects that need time and attention so those'd fot in#if i cut my pain meds too i could put an extra $50/week back in my budget and i could use that for project supplies and emergency funds#god even thinking about this is making me so tired.#i don't know what this will leave of me#i've been doing this so long now#feels like the last time i remember having a consistent hour to myself every day was my BA sophomore year#and that was the first time too lmao#i'd spent high school waking up at 3am every day after going to bed at 12am because I needed to do my hw in the mornings#my bus left at 7:30am and i had to do all my paper assignments - make myself lunch for the day - wash dishes/tidy the kitchen - and THEN#i could finally make sure i had my shit together for the bus and maybe nap for 5min#then i didn't get home from school until 4pm and i had to fix the kitchen from whatever my parents did before i got back#then make dinner for the family#then clean the living room from whatever the pets had dome all day#then take the dog for her nightly walk and take a shower#and usually sometime after dinner around 9pm I would get permission to run to my room and try to get a head start on my hw before 11pm#that was my lights out curfew so it gave me a blessed single guaranteed hour to do something for me.....assuming i could stay conscious
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hm hm hm !!
#just me hi#it's always the little things ghfhshvh#i wanna a thing and#/hang on lemme put on some tunes lol#thank goodness for osts.. anyway hfhs#//there is consistently some tiny thing that i get caught up in that makes stops me from doing something altogether#like for example when i want to work on one of my main projects i'll get pretty well into it and then suddenly drop it like it's on fire#halfway through gfsvh#because i couldn't get the line right or i forgot which font i used or the characters positions just bother me but i'm 8 panels into this#scene dang it ! !#or i get a fresher idea for the whole thing and don't get around to it for months because i need to recharge after u-turn like that. can yo#tell i'm going in circles hfhshv#i really do have around 15-20+ versions of the first chapter of pi.e.. it may almost be described as 'not a good thing' hghhfhsvh#Is it perfectionism? maybeeeeee loll - i've got a vision (and another and another and another) and very short patience#and also my ideas do Not have a good shelf life lmao ; they're like badly sealed pickled fruits <3#that's part of the reason i make stuff so fast tho. because the Ideas Are Running Away From Me ljfvsfhj#i have hardly any stand-alone pieces that are unfinished. but the Moment i tryta work on a longform thing it just does not work..#and i Could try to do everything in very small pieces but when i try to go small on purpose i usually end up doing my usual 7-9 step 1-4#hour process anyway and i not even catch it until it's too late fgshfbvh#yea though. i'm back at it again lmfshv :3👍#this may suck So hard but i'm gonna get it one of these days ! ! roman 3 roman 3#so let me try to stay on track again lol :> i will maybe return.. mayhaps hfhsv#//i've still got some stuff from during and before artfight (unrelated to it) that i still wanna post so maybe i'll do that later too lol :#toooooodles ~+~!~+~
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my football team is so hopeless
#not dortmund lol i mean the club i play at myself#it makes me want to quit ngl#there are just so many things i'm fed up with#at times it's not fun anymore#i like playing football but there's just a lot wrong with this team#but i'm mostly just hanging around because i don't want to let my coach down like he cares and genuinly seems like a good coach#the only thing which gives me a bit of hope#and i hate letting people down 😅 that and also i hate giving up#but i have never seen a team more hopeless or felt more hopeless playing a sport 😅#and he apparently thinks i'm kind of important to the team which i kind of get but also it doesn't really make a difference...#we're just so hopeless i can’t turn this around lol#i always start and i hope it continues but there's not much i can do#we just have too many people who don't care last match so many have given up#some of our team just refuse to run or move at some point it's awful#like why can't you try#we always loose so high like what's the point but still don't give up#besides that the endurance (and also sprint speed) of most is awful which could be trained to a point#but whenever the coach tries to do that almost no one shows up 💀#and i usually play wing or outside midfielder but i'm supposed to also be a defender apparently what#whenever we get a goal on my side and i'm not back in defence someone moans at me like that's my fault#i get working back but i can’t be everywhere especially when some people don't move#and i actually try to get the ball foreward or try to get the ball back in the front because i don't give up when we're behind#i want to score goals and not settle with loosing and only sit back to do defence anymore#naturally there will be open spaces when i try to do that but how is giving up better even when it's hopeless we could still try scoring#and i can't be everywhere they should try my position they would never last 90min running like i do#besides i'm already exausted each week from my training before like i do sports 2-3 hours 6 or 7 days a week#unfortunately i have to because once again i'm trying some entrance exam (for sports to become a teach in sports and english hopefully)#asides from that i don't like most of the people at my club 😅 it feels a bit like highschool again and i didn't like highschool#so many are ignorant and judgemental#like the girl i told you about with her comment about the cleaning lady instead of wanting to clean up her stuff herself 🙄
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save me local historical attraction
local historical attraction save me
#In the few days I’ve been gone I’ve applied for about twenty jobs and bookmarked a bunch of used cars and listed 7 items on eBay#Suddenly I’m productive again…#…disturbingly productive in fact#More productive than someone without executive dysfunction. I can clean and organize and read long paragraphs at will#alternating for an hour or two at a time all day long#On the downside I seem to have lost some of my musical ability.#I can’t play through songs I was capable of playing flawlessly just a week ago#I’m making weird unhinged mistakes on the recorder I’ve never made in my 11.5 years of playing#Like hitting the low C so it squeaks and reversing the order in which notes are played#or playing notes that are straight up wrong that I’d never mistake for the correct notes in a hundred years#Also I’ve noticed that when I go into a grocery store I tend to be way more spacey than usual#(staring without blinking at fluorescent lights#having a delayed comprehension of words spoken to me#feeling the need to lean heavily on the cart and walking around aimlessly in kind of a daze etc. etc.)#My speech has been getting progressively worse as well. I know what I mean to say but the words will not come to me#Hopefully I’m not headed towards a meltdown and its horrible week-long hangover lmfao#That would suck ass#Omg I just remembered I have that icepack mask thing#Yeah#gonna use that right now LOL
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Ok triple vaccine is kicking my ass. Now. I am.now grateful that I scheduled it with a day off after
#speculation nation#negative/#i will be real this is genuinely one of the worst pains of my life#but to.make matters worse. my period started :/ so im dealing with first day cramps of Those#i got only 4 hours of sleep bc despite taking a melatonin i just Could Not Fall Asleep#my feet and legs were so very cold that even 45 minutes under a hot pad still hadnt warmed them#it took hours before i felt like i could remove it. idk how long exactly id finally fallen asleep#but june wouldnt stop crying until eventually she came up to bed#and poor sweet girl did her normal thing of climbing on me. which is usually fine.#but she stepped on my arm and. hhhhhholy shit lmfao That had to be one of the worst pains of my life.#like a 7 or maybe even an 8. right now doijg nothing id say its a 5#i need to take ibuprofen but i need to get some food in me first#which. oh yeah. i got out of bed to try to eat a bit so i could take some ibuprofen. ended up lightheaded as fuck#had to sit down several times. until at one point i got hit with a spell so bad i was Convinced i was gonna throw up#sat beside the toilet with a cold sweat as i waited for the nausea to subside.#i was gonna have corn dogs for a small meal. they r in the microwave even. but rn i am.just gingerly sipping on an Ensure#with a plastic bag beside me lol. just in case. bc i dont fuck with nausea risks man i am.not puking on my floor.#eurgh why did my.body decide to make things worse for me.... this Sucks#emetophobia/
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What if I just don't sleep. What then.
#it is 11:01 and i just finished taking a shower that was supposed to have been taken at 9:30#look. unless someone (steve usually) forces me to go to bed i will not despite knowing i will be complaining the entire day#“im soooi tiiiiired” well maybe its cause you only slept 6 hours you fucking microwave oven#ik its recommended for teens to get about 10 hours of sleep but if the school system wanted me to be healthy they should not make an entire-#-essay due in three days and maybe consider letting kids have more than 10 days absent or even not starting the day at 8 am what about that#huh??? huh??? wisconsin school system i have a complaint to make#see i get 6 hours of sleep. 7 hours at school. that leaves me 11 hours for personal stuff and a good four of those are spent eating and-#-doing chores and talking to family etc etc. so i get about 7 hours to myself add in showering homework and laying on the floor sobbing#and ive got like 5 and a half hours of free time so excuse me if i like to. yk. do thingsand maybe im not getting the recommended 10 hours#- of sleep.#im regan thank you for coming to my speech i wrote it in 10 minutes it is now 11:12 goodnight of youre going to bed if not?#join me in being a fucking goddamn disaster all the time :)
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First week at the new job is in the books! ☺️
And while I have a lot of work to do to get the volunteer program to where Mother Superior wants it to be, I basically get to rebuild the entire volunteer program from top to bottom and I am so excited for the opportunity to do so & I can't wait to really get started!
#personal#new job#I'm also so exhausted#not from the job itself but from my new hours#my old job was from 9-6 and my commute was usually more than 20mins#my new job is from 7:30-4 and my commute is now 45min on a good day#so instead of getting up around 8am#i now have to get up no later than 6#which sucks since i'm a night owl 🙃#plus it doesn't help that i went from getting an hour long lunch to just a 30min lunch
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i must confess that fall is the worst season in my opinion and i don't know why people like it. everything bad about the world is represented in october - november
#seth.txt#1. the colors are dingy most of the month and aren't that great. worst shade of orange#2. sickness is increased as it is cold and flu season. when i get sick it's always fall or winter#3. seasonal depression increases as the days get shorter and shorter. why do you people like when it's dark at 5pm#4. the food is lame. people who love fall usually love the food or thanksgiving which is just mash potatoes and pumpkin which both suck ass#5. the holidays in winter at least make it worthwhile because christmas and new years are both objectively better aesthetically#6. halloween feels really superficial like no one truly celebrates it anymore on a widespread level. should be hyped up like christmas#7. idc what people say dealing with cold is way worse than dealing with heat if you have ac. i am always cold so colder = always bad#8. all plants dying is so ugly to look at and there are no little birds and animals around during the fall which makes the depression worse#i could think of reasons for hours i think i have explained my manifesto well enough for now#actually hold on adding another amendment.#9. having to wear long sleeves pants and socks indoors is torturous and disgusting to where battling the coldness is the lesser evil#10. the sky is always fucking grey for some reason fucker that isn't beautiful esp when it's not even raining#11. you can't go swimming or eat ice cream as easily. name any fall activity that remotely compares to swimming in the summer you're wrong
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lso literalllllllllly sobbing i asked for morning shifts not realizing the dunkin I applied to starts at FOUR FUCKING AM.
so i'll be waking up at like 3am. every day. except for Monday, but I'll have to wake up at noon. for the next four months straight. hahahahahahhaha wow. I do not think I'm gonna stay long.
#i mean i honestly have no problem waking up that early but I simply do not want to be that tired.#cause ive been staying up later recently#so i'd get like 3 hours of sleep#and wake up at the ass crack of dawn#i mean...#at least i'll be working there during summer months so it'll be light outside by 4am#that's ... a plus.#the only plus.#im so not about it#idk#im the type of person who wants to have a good time before I run out of time#i want to focus my energy on stuff that isn't really productive#but work usually saps all my energy so I wont have anything left to have a good time.#imean#it isnt even like it's a hard job (IMO) like I genuinely enjoy doing that stuff. I've done it all before. i like working in customer servic#and i dont even mind dealing with asshole customers cause literally why would I they have zero influence over my life.#the only part im having a problem with is the HOURS. waking up at 3 and working 7 days a week...#like i said this is just a temporary arrangement before I can request six days.
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my boss just put out a new week and im fucking furious, im scheduled for 8 consecutive days totaling 49 hours and im not gonna see a fucking dime of overtime for it bc it's technically the last 5 days in one "workweek" and the first 3 days in the next AND the last shift is fucking 2:30-8pm the day before my vacation starts so i get to go on this trip ive been planning for months strung out and exhausted, likely in serious pain from overexertion and burnt out to the point of being on the edge of a fucking emotional breakdown
#the fact that a company can be penalized (in the form of overtime) for scheduling someone sunday-sunday or monday-monday#but tuesday-tuesday etc is business as usual is so fucking asinine and just fucking insulting#like thank you so much govt for protecting my rights and dignity two days of the week#im so grateful i dont even mind being screwed over for the other 5 uwu#and now its fucking my responsibility to go around begging ppl to take my shifts or trade for my days off the week before#its just fucking disrespectful is what it is#AND THERE'S A FUCKING CLOPEN IN THERE#so im working 2:30-10pm and then 9hrs later i get to go back in for 7-2:30 aka working 15 out of 24 hours in a day#without even the dignity of being able to attempt a full night's sleep#also the fact that when i google 'consecutive days worked labor laws' or 'clopening' ITS ALL ADVICE FOR EMPLOYERS#like. here's how much ur legally allowed to run ur employees into the ground:)#u should try to avoid clopening bc it can cause health issues and that would lower job performance/profits (aka what really matters)#personal
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My manager at the call center isn't gonna be here for the rest of the week. Nor is our office manager. I'm gonna throw up. Like I'm literally nauseous with dread
#it's JUST me and my one coworker because they fired coworker libby a few weeks ago#we're so fucked oh my god like#i ask my manager for shit ALL THE TIME oh my goddddd#i don't even have permission to use bonding slots for ortho emergencies omfg i'm gonna actually kill myself#and i took 53 calls on monday?? calls take like 5–10min usually & there's only 480 minutes in a work day?? and now we're down one person??#i was literally physically ill with stress today having to constantly call people back and i only took 43 calls#(7 of which were 10–20min new patient calls which each require like a good 15+ min of follow-up as well. but i digress)#i also got a call that was just fifteen seconds of BLOODY MURDER SCREAMING until i got way too scared and hung tf up. jfc#(which i thought that was one of those scam calls where they just play audio of a woman screaming for her fucking life#but it came from a patient's parent's phone number?? so idk??????)#(sometimes i hear kids screaming in the background cuz it's a pediatric dentistry but this was something different.#no talking just horrific screaming for over ten seconds straight. oh my god)#anyway on the OFF chance we have ANY free time tomorrow taking 80+ calls on our own. we'll have to spend it CALLING BACK MISSED CALLS#AND I'LL NEVER GET MY FUCKING NEW PATIENTS IN. GOD#ONLY 56 HOURS OF THIS JOB LEFT. CHRIST A-FUCKING-LIVE. PARENTS ARE GONNA BE MAD AT ME AND ORTHO COORDINATOR CANDI WILL YELL AT ME#AND I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF. I HATE MY JOB AND I HATE THIS FUCKING DENTISTRY. GODDDDDD#personal#work shit#work blogging#work
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