#join me in being a fucking goddamn disaster all the time :)

[whoa-where-did-the-pancakes-go]

What if I just don't sleep. What then.

[yakumtsaki]

Dear readers, we've been through so much together and you know at this point it takes a lot for me to describe a situation as 'out of control'.. yet here we are. So Kea moves in and the following happens in the span of like 2 hours:

Barth beats up Felina.

Kea beats up Spice.

Barth beats up Cyan.

Felina beats up Barth. Like seriously, ENOUGH. I've decided that next generation when we're at the third cousin tier relation I'm just gonna let whoever wants to date a cousin do it because holy hell, breaking them up has been a disaster. Everyone is near aspiration failure, everyone has shit grades, we're BROKE, and to top it all off..

-HELLO AGAIN

Why. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING WE DON'T OWE ANY BILLS LIKE THIS IS LITERAL THEFT. I also love how everyone is already so miserable so the repoman just comes and takes all the fun objects we can't afford to replace, FML

Barth's aspiration meter is absolutely pathetic as a result of everyone viciously assaulting him and desperate times call for desperate measures..

-Well well.. If it isn't Glitched Butler #9.. How's it hanging? ;)

-Same as always, I'm here to not cook and to open the doors we no longer have thanks to Baby.

-You know what, I'm too depressed to seduce you so will you just sleep with me?

-As you well know my butler programming prohibits me from doing anything helpful!

FFS. It's ok Barth, I will fulfill your throw a party want, I don't see how anything could go wrong with the situation in this house being what it is!

-Hey there! Join our party! Sleep with me! I COMMAND YOU

Barth please get it together.

-I CAN'T FUNCTION ROMANTICALLY BECAUSE I'M SO SAD BUT I REFUSE TO THROW ANY WANTS THAT DON'T INVOLVE ME SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE

OK DO YOU MAYBE SEE THE PROBLEM WITH THAT APPROACH

-NO

-Ugh, Spice is so hot when he's crying after I beat him up.

Ok Kea, I'm only gonna ask this once: are you fucking kidding me????

-What? It's only natural to be attracted to your girlfriend's ex who is her cousin and your enemy.

I'm just gonna pretend I didn't see this shit and move on.

So I have invited several of Barth's existing and potential lovers to this party and my goal is to figure out who, if anyone, I'm gonna marry him to. Now please enjoy this sequence of events:

a) Barth is flirting with my current top spouse pick, Stella Terrano, and it's going great!

b) Barth leaves Stella Terrano to go sleep with GODDAMN GUNNAR. Since I can't seem to shake this fucker off, the only option remaining is to give him a ridiculous fake accent to make him bearable.

-Oi luvs you, Barth!

-Why are you talking like a servant from Downton Abbey? Also who the hell caught me cheating now?

Who knows or cares? Let's continue:

c) Barth goes downstairs to beat up Cyan.

d) Klara aka my former top spouse pick attempts to leap into Barth's arms and HE LETS HER DROP

-Äääääh mein arsch!

-Sorry Klara but I refuse to get caught cheating by Gunnar..

-..unless it's with Stella Terrano!

LOL OMG, I really thought I'd have to marry him to fucking Gunnar due to THIS SHIT:

But God's mercy finally shines upon me!!!

Oh man I'm so upset by this >:)

-Ha culd youse do 'is, ya broke ma 'eart!!!

-What?

-Oh my, turtles are considered the sexiest animal in my planet👽

Stella ffs. Oh well, so sad, goodbye Gunnar, I was really hoping to add your freakish lack of chin into our gene pool but looks like I won't have the chance huhu!

e) Barth flirts with Stella again and is caught cheating AGAIN..

f) ..by Sarah Love who I keep forgetting exists but man that's a HARDCORE slap, she legit got her fingers in his eyeball(s)

-SORRY WHATSYOURNAME BUT I THINK BLINDING ME IS A BIT OF AN OVERREACTION

Yay! See Barth, our amazing party did the trick and now everything is gonna be ok!

-IM BLIND IM BLINDDDD I CAN'T SEE

Excuse me?! You know what Barth I'm done helping you, nothing is ever good enough for you!

[starforgedthor]

when you become untouchable {Vigilante / Adrian Chase} // nine

nine. no crime in being kind.

Summary: during your first mission for project butterfly, you're the only one that knows you've been tailed by a certain local menace to society. arguably your favourite menace to society. so you go to hang out when things get dull.

Need to Know: She/Her pronouns. villain!meta-human!reader. self depricating reader. chaos. implied dehumanisation. canon typical violence. heavily implied smut. slowish burn.

A/N: i know its been eight months. i have no excuse. i still think about this fic. i love vij and the reader here but they might be inconsistent idk lol. you understand, it's been a while. ANYWAYS, please let me know what you think!!

[ masterpost ]

Taglist: @16boyfriends-and-me @a-girl-who-loves-disney @amysuemc @generalfoolish @idkanymoreaboutlife @home-of-disaster @2guysonascooter @demure-doll @grippleback-galaxy @demeterdavis @specificpuppy @gay-cold-brew @siberianallen @evvilspawn @bright-cherry-bombzz @simping-4-jason-todd @girlinchair @blackwatxr @plzu

Taglist is always open, feel free to message or comment to be added! xx

Problems began the moment Peacemaker was handed his gun, and he realised it didn't have a Dove of Peace on it, the same way all of his personal weapons must have had.

"Get me a Dremel -" you offered in the face of Chris's rising frustration, the only one willing to tolerate his antics in this moment.

"Do I look like I have a fucking Dremel?!" He hissed back furiously, clearly not thrilled with your suggestion. Harcourt flatly offered to get a marker for him to draw one on, but Chris still didn't exactly seemed pleased with the solution; "the most important part of killing someone, at least to me, is the goddamn Dove of Peace! Can you even draw a Dove of Peace?" He demanded to know from you.

It takes you a moment to suggest pulling one right from his memories, that you could draw with one hand and hold his hand with the other to get it perfect. While he hesitates for a moment, by now he seems willing enough to trust you, which is honestly more than you got from anyone else these days.

So that's how you find yourselves while the others, the ones who 'weren't potential liabilities' got the rest of the site and it's equipment set up.

Chris lay in the grass, one hand behind his head, the other resting in the space between the two of you, while you pulled your gloves off, his sniper rifle in your lap, something jabbing your back pocket that you ignore for the time being, and the marker beside you.

Taking his hand, his life and memories rush over you. While you'd done this before with Chris, to stitch up his wounds the other day, the memories always feel fresh. There's a moment of genuine shock as the newer memories include you, wanton and breathless and stark naked between him and Vigilante, but at least his thoughts were complimentary, if incredibly vulgar. It was more that you'd never get used to seeing yourself in that situation from an outside perspective. Still, you tried to ignore those and focus on the other Doves of Peace from his weapons.

Technically you could just take the memories of the Doves no longer need to be in contact with him, but there's something about this moment, this cool afternoon and him relaxing in the sun, holding his hand and drawing a pretty decent Dove on his rifle, that would probably be very nice if you weren't all here to commit murder. Something about the way Chris was perfectly content in this moment for you to hold his hand, happy for you to have free reign on his memories and experiences, no shame and with complete trust. Even Harcourt took years to develop that kind of trust. Despite his reputation and attitude at times, you were genuinely glad to be able to call Chris your friend.

Harcourt finally joins you both when you're handing over the rifle, and Peacemaker's giving begrudging compliments about the last-minute Dove addition. It pitters off into general small-talk before Chris asks you if you've been around this area before.

"I'm usually not allowed in Washington," you mused, knowing you still had a long time to wait before the targets to arrive, "especially not this part, considering the amount of important people that live within, like, a ten mile radius of here," you gestured towards the targets' house, "Senators and stuff, you know? But isn't it beautiful -"

"I need you to be like forty percent less Disney on this stakeout," Harcourt rolled her eyes at how you'd chosen to phrase the factoid about yourself, "why are you even out here, shouldn't you be in the van with the others?"

"I hope not, there's barely room as it is," Economos's mutter comes through the line and you beam at Harcourt.

"And you're my favourite," you coo at her, voice syrupy.

"Tell us what you really think," from Harcourt's other side you hear Peacemaker's snicker.

"Seriously, Chaser, where are you meant to be- Murn," Harcourt goes back to her headset, "where is she meant to be?"

"We're literally just killing time, they're not due for hours -" You pitched yourself back against the grass with a groan.

"What do you mean you're usually not allowed in Washington?" Peacemaker speaks up, however back to the thought you'd had just a few moments ago.

"Technically," you started, looking up at the sky through the dappled leaves, "I'm not allowed anywhere that isn't Belle Reve, you know?" You huffed a strange little laugh at that, "but the rules on where I am and am not allowed to be kind of change depending on where I'm needed." Silence filled the air for several long moments, "there's lots of people in Washington; I've found a lot of people in Washington, and I don't know where they are now-"

"Okay," Harcourt says sharply, and your gaze snaps to her. From her pocket she pulls a zip-tie, and she doesn't even have to say, "go be Disney somewhere else for a bit, Cujo," for you to take it and loop it around your wrist.

It takes all of five minutes of wandering around the surrounding shrubbery for you to feel the pressure of the item you'd stuffed in your back pocket before leaving the hotel that morning.

The fucking multitool.

It was still light out, nobody was talking to you directly over the comms, it was just a little, silly thing for you to entertain yourself with, no-one would care -

Except with your glove half-off and the multitool against your hand, you could feel that it's owner, Adrian Chase - that fucking busboy, Christ if Vij ever ends up actually telling you his name you're going to have to live with the embarrassment of never having connected those dots - was much closer than you'd anticipated.

Still, considering you knew how you felt about Vij and Adrian when you believed they were different people, there was something strange about knowing they're not, especially when Vigilante clearly went to great lengths to hide his identity. You reasoned that if you could earn his trust, he'd tell you himself, and so you didn't want to know it until then, at least if you could help it.

So you take a moment to store the information of his location in your mind, which is the first step that lead you to getting the name The Chaser in the first place, and pulled your glove back on properly. Contact broken between your palm and the tool you now clutched in gloved hands, all you knew is where he was, and that it was definitely within walking distance.

"I'll be back! I'm exploring!" You hollered, and we're met with dismissive mumbles. The multitool was clutched tightly in your hand.

There's a maroon Sebring a quarter mile away that you know Vigilante has ducked down behind before you even properly see it.

"You and I both know what my powers are, Vij," you sighed after turning your mic off.

"I still want to ask how you found me," you hear, "but only because that's how this kind of dialogue usually goes."

"Chaser isn't just a vanity title," you found yourself grinning, leaning on the hood of his car. Vigilante pops up, and you like to imagine him looking miffed. You offer his multitool with a blithe smile, "you should also take this if you don't want me to be able to find you again."

"Why are you out here?" He asks slowly, taking the multitool finally. You breathe a sigh of relief, climbing to sit on the hood of his car.

"I was bored," you told him honestly, before adding, "also I almost gave that away, I know you said I should keep it but really it's in safer hands with you."

"To who?" Vigilante asks finally, and when you ask if he has any snacks instead, he offers a protein bar from the box in his back seat. He's got binoculars, and a shitty radio with the other having been stashed near the others.

"What do you mean?"

"Who did you try to give the multitool away to?" Vigilante clarifies. At that you lean back against his windscreen, scrubbing your eyes with the heels of your palms.

"I know his name," you groaned with frustration, "he told me!" You actually whined, before the idea came to you, "you're from around here aren't you?"

"I- uh-"

"At Fennel Fields, you literally bought us lunch from there the other day, starts with A, around my age, he's -" Vigilante is frozen beside you when you turn to him, his arms are crossed so tightly over his chest it looks painful, "Vij, your dick has been inside me, and I'm pretty sure you used to get off to the idea of fighting me-" he loudly spluttered protests at that, but you continued, "you are not allowed to judge me -"

"For what- why?! I'm not judging you!" He crowed, and you puffed out your cheeks for a moment.

"Seriously, you're not allowed to judge me, or tell Chris about what I'm about to say, he's already a judgemental bitch about my taste -"

"What does that even mean?"

"Don't worry about it," you blurted quickly before powering on, "the bus boy, the cute one with the face and the - don't fucking judge me, Vij - the nice hands, good handshake - Adrian!" You lit up, as the name finally found you.

"What?"

"His name is Adrian!"

A long silence follows.

"Why would you save something like that?"

"Save?"

"Like with your powers."

"He told me, and I remembered it, like a normal fucking person," then, after a long moment, you couldn't help but point out, "you sound weird, Vij," you smile slyly, "don't be jealous, you're still my favourite from around town."

"Peacemaker is-"

"I adore Chris but not only does he bully me but he also knows you're my favourite and bullies me about it."

"But I'm Peacemaker's best friend, I can't be your best friend -" Vigilante was beginning to sound distressed, and immediately you tried to assure him.

"No, dude I know, it's okay, I'm not asking you for anything, I have a best friend, it's Harcourt -"

"Is she the one who tried to veto our friendship -?"

"You called it a friendship!" You crowed with delight, "I win! We're friends!"

"Yeah, obviously," Vigilante snorted. A far more comfortable silence fell over the two of you, and you opened the protein bar. Then, out of nowhere, he leans over enough to bump your shoulder with his.

"You've got a crush on a bus boy, you're so lame!"

"Oh god," you groaned, "you're not jealous, you're just a nosy bitch like Chris," you shoved him back, "and who I do or do not have a thing for is actually none of your business, Vij."

"Actually it kind of is," he sounds like he's stifling a laugh.

"Why? Has Chris said something?"

"About what?" He seems genuinely confused for the moment, but it piques your interest. Why would Vigilante feel like your feelings are his business if Chris hadn't mentioned your possible crush on him?

Still, as neither of you seem to be able to elaborate one way or the other, a comfortable silence settles between you as you sit side-by-side on the hood of his car.

"I thought you only knew how to find someone when you were in contact with a thing of theirs," Vigilante mused, inspecting his multitool carefully for a long few moments. Considering how surprisingly forthcoming you usually were about your powers and how they worked, the sudden silence he's met with actually surprises him.

When he looks to you, for the first time he can remember, there's a cold, calculating look in your eyes. It's the first time he'd felt like you came close to resembling your reputation.

"Why?" There's no humour, nothing light; he doesn't quite understand what nerve he's struck, but clearly it's an unexpected one.

"Uh," he's at a loss, momentarily fumbling for the reason he'd brought it up in the first place, while you're laser-like focus never sways from his face, "I thought you were wearing your gloves when you found me," he points out, before he looks back at the tool, "but that's what you do, right? You have to have skin contact - like, your hand has to have skin contact with the thing of whoever you're chasing down, and then you know them and you kill them," his frown grows deeper as he considers how you'd arrived, muttering to himself, "that can't be right..."

"You're very observant." Your voice has that strange, cool tone, and there's sirens going off in the back of his head that he's in immediate danger. He can feel his tool belt heavy on his hips, wondering if he'd be fast enough to stop you if you sprang at him. But you're too close, sitting shoulder to shoulder on the hood of his Sebring; if you attacked, he can't trust that you don't have some form of plan, some kind of weapon or training assistance in your pockets. There's a moment when he wonders if this is where he dies.

"You know the owner of whatever you touch, right? And their position and the thing's whole history and whatever, you know that while you're in contact with it, right?" He tries to keep his tone light, like he can't see the way your pupils have grown dark and wide and searching.

"Right," you say slowly.

"Well parts... Parts of this conversation, I don't think would make sense if you knew that much about me," he admits easily, leaning back on his elbows, repositioning himself to appear more casual while his taser became more easily accessible.

"And...?"

"I won't tell, you know?" He shoots for casual, and angles his head just a little further towards you, enough to see your eyebrows slowly rise, "that you like me so much you wanna know my location forever. You saved it, and you're embarrassed that I figured out how much you like me." He's spelled it out. Stated in no undercertain terms. Sure, he dressed it up in something light and teasing, but you both knew now that he knew that you could retain more than just memories; that much, he concluded, wasn't information you were quick to broadcast.

Despite his teasing, light tone, he watches the way your expression shifts. His fingers twitch towards his toolbelt in anticipation; if you were going to kill him, now would be the time.

Your expression, however, slides from cold, to genuine surprise, to uncharacteristically thoughtful, before you scrunch up your whole face with a bashful smile.

"I can give it back," you tell him, expression still squished, eyes still closed like you don't want to look at him, to see him looking at you, "I should have given it back before I gave the tool back to you, I'm sorry," your expression smooths out, eyes opening with something faintly exasperated and apologetic as you look at him, "it's weird, I must seem so weird, I'm sorry, I can -"

"Why didn't you?" It's not accusatory, he's genuinely enquiring. Your rambling stops, and you give a little half-smile, as if there's some kind of joke he's not privy to.

"I think there's something I don't want to know about you."

"That you got from my little, tool thing?" At his question, you nodded, still wearing that smile, "but you knew who I was when you held it?" Another nod from you, "but you didn't think that was important to save, like, all things considered?"

After a very long moment, you took a deep breath, looking over your other shoulder to the woods from which you'd emerged. Vigilante sits back up, resting his elbows on his knees, reasonably sure you weren't going to attack him.

"You're okay with knowing my location at all times, but don't think it'd be important to know my name?"

"I can give it back," you insisted again, still not looking at him. This time, however, you offer a hand towards him. For a long moment, he looks at your open, gloved hand, and frowns.

"If you don't want to know about me, you should give it back," he sounds almost sulky as he rummaged through his pocket for the tool.

"I didn't think it'd be as damning as your name," you admitted lightly, turning to look at him, amused.

"Well you'll probably be able to figure out where I work, where I live, where I patrol -" he's sounding grumpier by the second as he practically slams the tool into your waiting hand, still rambling, "Google maps is free, it's not a very big town, and I can't control what you do with your days off -"

"I wouldn't stalk you!" The way you laughed made it sound like you found the very notion absurd.

"So even if you do have the means to find out who I am, you won't even bother?"

"I'm sorry," you scoffed, "are you offended right now?" Removing your glove you both fall silent as your fingers close around the multitool. Vigilante immediately stiffens beside you, gaze snapping to your face, only to see your eyes squeezed shut, expression reading almost embarrassed.

"Ah, fuck, take it, I'm an idiot -" you tell him after barely a moment, taking the tool with your gloved hand, holding it out. Eyes still closed, you appear to be wincing.

"What just happened?" He asks, clearly confused.

"I probably found the thing I didn't want to know," you cracked your eyes open, expression still a little pained, "which was probably reliving me trying to awkwardly give it away as a tip to that poor busboy in excruciating detail, the way my powers like to show everything."

"What?"

How- why- surely you knew he was that busboy, right?! You'd just been in contact with his multitool, you must know he's Adrian Chase, that very same busboy, who's definitely taken that very tool to work in his back pocket at least three times before -

Granted, Adrian knows he's not the best at reading people in situations like this, but he's pretty sure that if you were operating with the knowledge of who exactly he was, you wouldn't be reacting like this.

"Seriously," you wave the tool at him a little more insistently, "it doesn't take me long to give back things like that, you can go and get lost if you want, and I'd never be able to find you," you hesitated for a moment, "well, not using my power. There's still conventional methods, you know?" After another moment of deliberation you add, "but they haven't caught you yet!"

Vigilante takes the multitool, quickly stashing it back in his pocket.

"So you've had the ability to know my secret identity ever since we first met, pretty much, and you haven't even bothered?" Again, he sounds strangely offended.

"I didn't think you'd want me to?" You frown, confused.

"I don't, but still!"

"I wouldn't violate your boundaries just because I can!" And while Vigilante babbled out half-protests, clearly having not thought about it from that angle, you sit back, "and learning your secret identity with my powers would just cause so many issues I don't want to deal with now," you continue talking, listing off the issues without giving him a chance to interject; "one, you're my friend and this would mean you'd probably never trust me again, which would be a bummer and a half, two, I'd have zero plausible deniability, not that anyone's asking me to identify you in a line-up, but like, in our line of work, if I knew who you were and I saw you on the street and had even a slight reaction, that could be bad, and three," you sighed, taking a moment to breath, "interacting with you, knowing your identity, and knowing you didn't want me to know it, that kind of unbalanced dynamic in a friendship it feels like -" you searched for the word, but Vigilante cut in, tone surprisingly understanding.

"Meta-gaming."

After a beat of silence, you frown and remind him you don't play videogames. Laughing, he shakes his head, tone having brightened considerably.

"No, it's from- well, I know it from D&D, but I think it's a thing in most tabletop role playing games like that; like say our group, in the game, has split up, and my character's in a tavern hitting on some hot elf, and then we have to focus on some of the other characters, who have just found out from someone else in the bar that the hot elf is here to see her half-elf son, and they put two and two together and realise she's my estranged mom or something, and I, as the player, have heard all this because the entire group of players is sitting around my friend Alec's table in his basement, but my half-elf character wouldn't be aware of this development. I can't just be all like 'ew gross you're my mom' in character, because my character wasn't with their characters in the game when they found out. I'd be operating on information I logically shouldn't know; meta-gaming." He shrugged for a moment, looking out ahead and stretching, seemingly pleased with the surprisingly fitting explanation, "I don't know, I get it can be hard to not meta-game when you have the information and can't get rid of it, and maybe some people feel more powerful or secure or whatever having that information, but I don't think it's as satisfying for my character, you know?"

"I know -" you say, quietly.

"There's no -" and he's halfway through his next sentence before he'd registered what you'd said, and it finally hits him as his final words trail off - "... fun in that."

"Exactly," and you're wearing this soft, gentle smile as you look at him, and he can't quite believe it's taken him this long for it to actually make sense.

"You haven't been doing a bit; you - Chaser, Y/N - you like me as a person. You like being around me." His bluntness leaves you flustered, but you try to laugh it off, having though that you'd made as much clear already. He still seems to be in shock from this revelation, however - "you don't benefit from being close to me, I've straight up admitted to fantasizing about killing you for years, you... want to be my friend," he paused, "like normal people do." His tone was soft but otherwise unreadable, and you couldn't bring yourself to look at him.

"Sorry, I know all things considered, that's probably really weird, and like, borderline impossible," you admit with a self-conscious laugh.

"All things considered, you're putting in a lot of effort," Vigilante hesitates, "more than I realised." Then, "you're good at being a friend, aren't you?"

"Yes, but I'm good at everything," you answer automatically, sounding like your mind is far away, quoting someone else, "that's the point of me." After a moment, you seem to come back to yourself, and give him a smile, "but I'm trying, so thanks."

And neither of you quite knows where to go from there. There's so much more you want to say, but again, all things considered, there's no way it'd be the right time to bring any of it up. It's too early in the friendship for anything more. Yet. Hopefully.

You know you should head back. Your comms have been blinking a red light at you for the past three minutes, if you didn't answer soon, Harcourt would probably send Economos or Adebayo out looking for you, and you didn't want to get Vigilante caught.

So, you jumped from the hood of his car, stretching, breaking the moment.

"Cool, just came by to drop off the multitool, I should head back," you announce nonchalantly, leaving Vigilante to catch up on the mood shift.

"Uh, okay, sure -" he nods, "be, uh, safe or whatever? Good luck?"

You're already headed back the way you came, and you throw a wave over your shoulder as you click your comms back to life -

"- five-to-one odds she's dead somewhere, probably roadkill," is the first thing you hear, from Peacemaker of all people.

"I'll take those odds," Economos snipes back, and you debate whether or not to pipe up, or stay quiet and see if John could make some money off of Chris and his bullshit about you. Ultimately, however, you knew you had to interject.

"I appreciate the show of support, John," you answered cheerfully, which only ignited everyone else in the chat, berating you on being gone with your comms off for at least fifteen minutes.

"I'm sending Economos to come and get you," Harcourt sounded less than pleased, once the outrage had died down, despite John's protests -

"Why me?!"

Glancing over your shoulder, you knew it would be too close for comfort for Vigilante.

"Sure," you answered easily, "I can show him where I shit in the woods."

Silence.

"The fuck?" From Economos.

"Yeah," you continued blithely, "what did you guys think I was doing?"

"Not shitting in the woods!" Harcourt countered without missing a beat, "what is wrong with you?!"

"Don't answer that," Economos added, before you got the chance, and you couldn't help but laugh.

"When in Rome -" your response was infuriatingly mellow.

"- shit in the woods?" Adebayo sounded like she couldn't quite believe the situation at hand, and you snorted.

"I feel like I have a better understanding of bears now, spiritually," after a beat you added, "thought it might help with the mission."

"Why would it help with the mission?" Economos groaned.

"The Berenstain Bears?" You reminded them all.

"They're not the kind of bears that shit in the woods," Adebayo sighed deeply.

"And they're just code names!" Economos crowed with frustration at your continued antics. Still, when you get back, no-one asks where you've been, and no-one seems to want to investigate your absence further.

[the-bar-sinister]

Deicide (49946 words) by VickytheSnake, thesavagesabretooth Chapters: 13/?

Summary: In the aftermath of the raid on Onigashima everything changes. The path to the One Piece is a course that can only be charted by those who agree to join together as friends and fight without taking the easy way out.

catch up here.

-

Smoothie stood tall, one foot on the figurehead of her personal assault ship as she stared out at the sea. 

Wano was a disaster. Their mama had lost her damn mind, both figuratively and literally, regressing to a state where she could no longer properly lead her own pirate empire before being slammed into a coma that ensured she could not.

Katakuri and Pudding were still missing, the big alliance with Kaidou turned into a farce just before he too was pounded into the ground and taken off the board and the Straw Hats were still skulking about the sealed off island doing hell knows what.

It was a real failure, and one that set her blood boiling and fired up her need for a stiff drink.

“And then the fucking Marines got involved,” she hissed low under her breath. “What a pain.” 

"It could have been worse," her brother, Perospero said, leaning on the rail of the ship just below where she stood at the figurehead. "I'm not entirely sure how, but give me some time and I'm sure I can think of a way."

“Those straw hat freaks could have decided to turn around and finish us off?” Smoothie snorted “I cannot believe we lost to them…us, the sweet generals and mama’s elite!"

Pero drummed his figures on the railing. "It's like a nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from. The newspapers are calling Straw Hat and Buggy the Clown the new emperors you know. We've lost all of our status."

Smoothie’s eye twitched as she turned to look at her dear brother. “You’re kidding me, Pero. They can’t be seriously…already? So damned soon?” 

He held up the copy of the paper in his hands and unrolled it for her. Sure enough, only four days after the incident on Wano, the headline read: "Kaidou and Big Mom Toppled. New Emperors Reign Supreme."

"I wish I were joking."

Smoothie grit her teeth. 

“All of that wasted effort, and wasted life…and for what?” She reached out a long arm to slap it against the front of the paper. “For some upstart who tried to destroy our family and a goddamned clown to take it all from us.” 

He pressed the paper into her hands, shaking his head. He tugged frustratedly at the brim of his hat.

"Everything crumbled in an instant," he said. "Although…"

There was a look in Pero's eye that Smoothie knew well. It was the look he had when he was about to say something very smart, or something very stupid.

“Here we go,” she murmured as she held the paper up to the light and stared into Straw Hat Luffy’s unsettling eyes. “I’m listening, brother.” 

He met her gaze and a thin smile crawled across his sharp face. "They say when one door closes another door opens. If dear mother is no longer in a position to lead the family when she wakes up, between her mental state, the shock, and whatever else— maybe this nasty setback could be the beginning of a new era."

“You’re suggesting we take the helm while mother’s …” She glanced out in the direction Cracker’s ship had long left them by to take mother home. “indisposed?” 

"I think on a temporary basis we absolutely must take the helm," he nodded. "We can't leave the family without direction in a time of crisis, now can we?"

Smoothie’s smile crossed her face like a knife. Mother was a tyrant; killing her own children when she got into one of her moods. As loyal as she was, as dedicated, the thought had come to Smoothie’s mind more than once to slit her throat and take the reins for her beloved siblings’ sakes.

“I doubt she’ll ever return to full health, Pero.” Smoothie purred as she leaned towards him. “It may be best for the family while they’re in need to have a …stable…leadership.” 

He nodded, his smile only growing like the thin edge of a knife. "You see exactly what I mean. And this sort of thing has to be taken care of in a hurry. If we delay, there's more time for worry to grow among the family. For our contact to increase the severity of this defeat in their minds. But if we take the reins now…"

Smoothie placed a hand on his candy shoulder, a broad grin on her normally placid face. 

“Dearest brother. You really are brilliant, you know that?” She chuckled under her breath. “If we take the reins now , we can recover our strength while the family still sees themselves as strong and united.” 

He put his hand fondly on her arm in return.

"I knew I could count on you for your support, dear little sister. We'll get the situation in hand, and come out stronger than ever."

“We certainly will, Pero.” she agreed, almost continuing before the voice of another dear sibling rang out from a small mirror that the high ranking members of the family were all required to carry.

Looking into it, she saw Brulee, tugging excitedly at a lock of her lilac hair with the biggest smile she’d seen on her face in months.

“Brother, Sister!!! You won’t believe the good news!"

Pero craned to peer into the mirror his sister held. 

"I'd love to believe it, sister," he said. "What exactly is the news that's too good to be true?"

Brulee nearly seemed to be crying as she cheered. 

“Big brother Katakuri and little sister Pudding contacted us! They’re okay!”

Smoothie’s eyes widened “that…is good news. Welcome news even!” 

"Things are looking up already," Pero said, taking off his hat and slicking back his hair. "Where are they? I'm assuming they heard the news about mother dearest?"

Brulee’s smile hitched for a moment before she muttered too quiet to hear.

“Speak up, sister.” Smoothie demanded , before Brulee did with a nervous nod.

“...they’re on Germa 66’s flotilla. But they promised they’re okay! They’re not captive! They’d heard the news about mother and were trying to make sure we were okay too!” 

Pero grabbed Smoothie's hand with the mirror in it and pressed his face to the glass with sudden alarm. "They're with Germa fucking 66? You're sure they're alright? Where's their fleet, we'll change course this minute!"

“Ahhh!!” Brulee squeaked before she flashed a bright smile. “don’t worry! They’re actually headed our way now!”

Smoothie looked up, a grimace written on her face as she saw the telltale sign of masts on the horizon— too many masts— rising up like a small city on the sea.

“Damn it all to hell.” 

Pero twisted his hat in his hands. "Well, Smoothie. Are you ready for the first challenge in our leadership of the family, then?"

“You know me, Pero. The only thing I like more than a beautiful partner and a stiff drink is a challenge.” She cracked her knuckles with a wicked smile. “if Germa wants a second round…they’ll regret it.”

"Well then, Brulee. Please let Katakuri know that we'll be happy to see them— and their escort— when they arrive."

000

"I'll tell you right now," Killer said as they boarded the Kid pirates's ship– the Victoria Punk– "I am not going to miss Wano."

Basil had his bag over his straw shoulder, hiking it up onto the ship as he took one last look out at Wano’s countryside.

“The aesthetics were nice, but I certainly won’t be missing it either. Too many bad memories.”

"If you wanna enjoy the aesthetics, we'll get a postcard before we set sail," Killer drawled, leering as he walked past him up onto the deck of the ship. He let his own bag down and took a deep breath.

Killer just shook his head at the comment. "Too many bad memories is right."

Basil laughed, shaking his head “no, I think I’ve seen enough of it for a good long while, Captain.”

He started up the gangplank with a serious smile. “I think we all have. Good riddance, I say…”

He really wouldn’t miss Wano at all. He’d been used as one of Kaidou’s attack dogs, he hadn’t exactly made connections while simultaneously losing the ones he had before he’d arrived.

Wano was a country of loss, a cursed turn of the cards that was now finally clearing off the board. 

"Good riddance," Kid agreed. "And welcome aboard, Bas. Try to remember that I'm the captain."

Kid's grin was as mean as ever, but Basil was used to it from their time as allies. He might have a reputation for hot tempered cruelty, but among friends at least, his rough manner was decidedly affectionate.

Basil held his straw hand up with a wry smile. It was admittedly one of the more charming things about the man.

“I’ll endeavor to do my best…but I can’t promise not to sit in the captain’s chair every now and again out of habit.” he joked as he finally stepped on board. 

Kid stepped over to him and put his arm around him– the weight of metal heavy but not crushing on Basil's shoulders. "Careful there. You can sit on the captain's chair, but only if I'm already in it."

Basil’s pale face turned a touch pink as he leaned into the weight of the metal against straw. 

“My, my.” he smiled up at him. “I don’t even need my cards to see what the future has in store. I’ll remember that, Captain.” 

Kid brushed the fingers of his flesh hand over Basil's cheek. "See that you do, crewman."

Behind them, Killer chuckled and started putting away supplies.

000

Carrot didn’t bring much onto the mainland of Wano, but somehow she’d wound up with more than she’d started with. New clothes from Zou’s allies, a keen edged sword from the battle itself…and a whole bundle of sweets and fresh vegetables to ask Sanji to hide for her to nibble on later.

She was just putting the finishing touches on packing away one of her new kimono when the doorway rattled open and she was surprised with a ferocious tackle hug from the captain of the Straw Hats.

With a rabbitish squeak, she stumbled forward before looping arm arm back around him and nuzzling the back of her head against his cheek “Garchu! Hey Captain!” 

"Eheheh! Hey, Carrot!" he grinned, nuzzling her back. Luffy was always just as affectionate as a member of her own race. "Packing up?"

It was probably that very quirk of his that made her so comfortable around him, enough to travel with him through the early part of the grand line after her search for a lost comrade took her far, far from Zou.

“I most certainly am! You didn’t think you were gonna leave without me, did you?” 

He poked her chest fluff soundly with the tip of his finger. "I told you I wouldn't! Did your Zou friends try to convince you to go back?"

Carrot’s smile faltered as she laughed. 

“Yeah, they did…you know they wanted to make me the King of Zou?” 

Luffy's mouth fell open as he hung on her with his arm around her. "No way, they wanted to make you the king?"

“Yeah! Crazy, right? I wasn’t even one of their top musketeers or anything. I dunno why they wanted to offer me the job instead of like, Wanda or someone.”

She pulled him closer to chew a bit on his cheek thoughtfully “Inuarashi and Nekomamushi are retiring.” she said, mid chomp “to be a part of Momo’s personal guard I guess…so they tried to get me to accept it and be their new king in their place.” 

Luffy leaned on her as she nibbled him, idly petting her hair. "Sounds like they're kind of hard up. But I'm glad you said no."

He looked at her askance. She hadn't said that she's said no. Rather, the firm tone from the captain said that he expected she'd said no. After all, she'd already promised to sail with him.

Carrot bumped his hand, nuzzling against his hand with a quiet laugh. “I actually left them a note that they’re not gonna see until I’m gone.”

She hadn’t firmly said no, or rather— she’d tried. She’d tried and the wave of ‘but Carrot we need you’ and ‘why don’t you give it a little more thought’ seemed to drown her out.

It was better this way, Carrot was a wandering swordsman, a grappler, wasn’t she? A swordsman had no place just sitting around on a throne all day.

"I knew it was a good idea to sneak out of here," Luffy said quietly, nuzzling his face into her shoulder, suddenly pensive. "I don't get why this always happens to my friends."

Carrot leaned back into him with a tilt of her head, her ears bopping the top of his head. “...geeze, it really does huh?” 

He nodded, frowning a little as he reached up and played with her ears. "Like when Vivi left. And they tried to do it to Rebecca too. And then Sanji! You're not even a princess!"

She sniffed in frustration, her ears twitching against his hands as he played with them.

“I know right? I’m just…I’m just a musketeer. And not even the only musketeer who was a Kingsbird too!” She laughed, trying to brighten the room. “Maybe all your friends are so great everyone just wants to keep ‘em?” 

It drew a smile out of him, exactly as she had hoped. "They sure are! But they can't keep them 'cause they're my friends! My crew."

He held on tighter to her, wrapping his legs around her midsection.

She loved cuddling with Luffy, it was something most humans seemed to get strange about, but never him. In times like this, when she was feeling rough, and conflicted it always helped her calm down.

“And your crew’s never gonna leave you, Captain! I promised, right? I promised you that I’d sail with you back on Thriller Bark— even if we fulfilled your part of the promise to help me check on Zou again, and find my lost comrades…I’m not gonna just leave you.” 

Luffy looked at her with the same wide, dark eyes he'd fixed on her the first time that he'd demanded she join his crew, and he smiled his wide smile again, nuzzling his head into her neck.

"Good. I'd definitely have to fight these guys over it if they tried to drag you back."

Carrot looked deep into his eyes with a warmth under her fur and the slight sting of faint tears in her eyes. 

“I know you would, Captain…you’d fight anyone who got in your way about it…” She laughed and leaned in to nuzzle her nose against his cheek. “which is EXACTLY why I wanna sneak away. Talk about a weird goodbye!” 

He giggled at the ticklish sensation and squeezed her. "Yeah, it'd be pretty weird. Nami would probably say something about making a bad impression. But I don't care."

“I…kinda don’t too.” Carrot grinned at him as she gave him an affectionate squeeze. “it’d be a little sad but…I have to draw my line in the sand someday, right?” 

"You gotta," he nodded firmly. "Oh, that reminds me. I should check on Robin, too. She said she had some stuff to do about the ponygliffs."

Carrot placed a hand atop his head with a bright smile and rustled her captain’s hair. 

“...you should. I bet she’d really like that.” She closed her eyes with a bright smile as she said in a quieter voice. “Captain…thank you for having me along. Thanks for wanting to sail with me to the end of the sea.” 

He grabbed her hands in his and squeezed them, looking at her with his intense gaze.

"I'm going to keep sailing with you even after that. Even after we run out of sea. Promise." 

000

There was something both awe-inspiring and relaxing about making rubbings of Poneglyphs…it was a preservation of history mingled with a sort of calming busywork and attention to detail that Robin thrived in.

For some time, the former King of Wano had been there with her and the pirate captain Law of the Heart Pirates. True to her word, she had copies for him and for Kid before he fully disembarked.

She smiled as she rubbed the graphite on the paper, getting the imprint of the text nice and clear. No matter how dire the past was— no matter how bad the news— it was better to know the history and adapt than to remain blind.

Maybe that was how she was able to smile despite the worrisome information she’d just received. 

When she was done, rubbings in hand, she departed the strange little shrine that held the ponegliff like a piece of another word and came back up into the daylight.

She was almost immediately nearly bowled over by her captain.

"Robin! Traffy told me you'd be here!"

She caught herself on a pair of legs that sprouted from her knees to balance her, several arms blooming as well to hug him tight as she laughed pleasantly.

“Of course he did…good. I was on my way to look for you.” 

He giggled and wrapped himself around her. "I guess I was way ahead of you! I remembered you said something about ponygliffs."

Luffy grinned broadly. Ponygliffs. Robin knew for a fact that Luffy knew what they were actually called, but he liked calling them that way.

Robin rustled his hair with an affectionate half smile. 

“I was on my way to rent one to ride around Wano.” she joked dryly.

Luffy laughed and nuzzled her hand. "I knew it. Don't bother though, I'll carry you back if you want."

“Oh my, you’ll be my ponygliff?” Robin smiled down at him. “how can I say no? It’s not as embarrassing as that docking travesty, after all.” 

He laughed again and planted his feet back on the ground. "Nope, not like that at all. Just a good old fashioned ponyback right. Ponygliff ride."

Robin chuckled obligingly and fondly, before she climbed onto his back with her arms wrapped around his shoulders. “I’m a little tall. Are you sure you can manage?”

He pumped his fist, showing off his– admittedly impressive– muscles. "I'm strong! there's no way I'd have a problem carrying you."

Robin kissed the top of his head. 

“Then high ho, steed.” She rested her chin on his hair after her kiss, looking out at Wano. “We’re one step closer to it, Luffy. One step closer to the secrets of the past.” 

"Yeah?" she could hear the smile in his voice as he carried her down the beaten dirt path. "That's exciting, right?"

Robin nodded against him. 

“You know it’s always been my dream. To unlock the history of the Void Century. No matter what it holds, good or bad…don’t you think it’s better to know than to be in ignorance?” 

"I don't know," he admitted, his voice soft for a moment. Hesitant. The confidence came back into it almost immediately. "But I know it's amazing because it's your dream, and I'm going to help you get there!"

Robin closed her eyes for a moment. 

“I know you will, Luffy.” she squeezed him tighter. “and when I do, I’m going to use what I learn to help you no matter what.” 

He squeezed his hands around her legs. "Thanks, Robin. Talking to you yesterday really helped get me to talk to everybody else, too..."

Robin had already been able to tell that even though he was smiling today, what they'd talked about yesterday wasn't far from his mind.

“Always, Luffy.” she lowered her head to his shoulder, looking sidelong at him. “and I know they all wish to support you too…in their own ways. I know these are troublesome times.” 

He glanced up at her as he walked. They were reaching the edge of town now.

"They are. But we'll get through them together. I know, because I have you, and the rest of my crew. Even if it turns out to be really, really hard… as long as we're together…"

Robin met his eyes with a soft smile on her normally sharp features. 

“and we’ll always be together, Luffy. Remember…” A hand bloomed to poke his nose “you promised to take responsibility.” 

"I promised," he nodded. "And I'm not going to let you down again. I'm not going to let any of my crew down."

He leaned into the hand that had bloomed, garnering funny looks from the people of Wano in the street nearby.

Robin simply smiled at them before turning her attention back to Luffy. 

“And we’re not going to let you down either. Luffy…I want to do my best to make sure you become exactly the person you want to be. No matter what.” 

"I know," he nodded. "I'm trying not to worry about the next fight. When I might be tempted to break out gear five. When I do, I'll turn to you guys instead. But– I guess, it's funny I'm worrying about it. I don't even know what the next fight will be…"

Robin’s arms bloomed to hold him at multiple angles as he walked, one’s fingers brushing his cheek. 

“It doesn’t matter what it is…another Emperor, an old enemy, a new…a god…” she cooed softly. “You won’t have to use Gear 5. We’ll fight together as a crew to make sure you don’t have to even think about using it again.” 

He nuzzled his head against her hand. "Thanks, Robin. Whenever I'm struggling, I know exactly who I can turn to. If you guys had been there. On that day… if we hadn't been separated…"

Luffy had never said it. Not all the way. But she'd heard him suppose it before. If they hadn't been separated. If they'd been there at Marineford.

Then Ace never would have died. The crisis could have been averted.

When she’d heard the news she’d cursed herself for being so far away and unable to help.

Her arms held him gently as she nodded. “I know, Luffy. We can’t change the past but…we can make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

His grip on her tightened. "I'm never letting you guys go again," he swore. "We're getting to the end of the grand line together. And beyond it. Just like I told Carrot."

Robin nodded against him , looking out at the Wano skyline and the bustling shops to the distant ocean beyond. “From now till the end of our era and beyond, no?” 

"And way, way beyond."

[v1ll1anousblackhat]

M̸i̸n̸d̸ y̸o̸u̸ a̸l̸l̸ t̸h̸i̸s̸ f̸i̸c̸ i̸s̸ g̸o̸n̸n̸a̸ g̸e̸t̸...e̸x̸p̸l̸o̸s̸i̸v̸e̸ 🌚

E̸n̸j̸o̸y̸, y̸o̸u̸ s̸u̸i̸c̸i̸d̸a̸l̸ m̸a̸n̸i̸a̸c̸ 🧨🩸😋 (Fanfic my best bud Tai wanted me to write)

"S̸o̸ l̸i̸g̸h̸t̸ e̸m̸ u̸p̸ u̸p̸ u̸p̸ u̸p̸!"

Monday, The worst day of the week. Tai got up out of bed. "Fuckkkk Ion wanna do this shit bruuuu I did my time" Tais edgy ass wanted to scream in a pillow she dreaded school so damn much she wanted to...blow it up 😏🧨 Tai got outta bed used the bathroom blah blah blah she got dressed, drank coffee, blck eyeliner usual emo kid shit....she got her bag and walked to school.... 15 minutes later she was hella lage to first period but she usually is she doesnt wanna be there so early anyway..."Great Mr BJs class. Kms" Tai walked in class. Mr Johnson eyed her and greeted her "Goodmorning, Tai." Tai rolled her eyes and sat on her desk slouthing her bacm and fidgeting with her pencil as the teacher explained the assighment Tai heard boys whispering making fun of her "CuT mY lIfe InTo PieAceS" "EmOo GuuRrrlll" "Yo SuIcIdE SqUaD" Tai couldnt handle it and put her earbuds on full blast theu were all gonna read a boring and useless story anyway so she didnt care. She was researching some rare illness she discovered instead of dking the assnighment and the teacher noticed and obv got mad so he slipped her a detrention slip. She was so tired of dealing with teachers, annoying kids always giving her shit it was this day she was gonna let something ignite.

-R̸e̸c̸e̸s̸s̸- Tai was hanging with her two buddies. Toby and Alan. Now Toby and Alan don't go to school because their run away psychotic hathetmen that meet her at the desolate area of her school.... anyways.... "Yo guys...I got an idea" The two Hatchet men looked at her "W-whats up Tai-?" Toby asked. "Lets fucking explode the school with fire works and gasoline and light the prison up. Im at my goddamn limit." The two looked at eachother and smiled mischievously "Hell...yes...we love that idea!" Tai smiled and explained the plan.

It was 5th period the period before lunch and tai decided to skip and escape all together. She called up her two buds and they all walked to the nearest mini mart to grab some fireworks. Toby already had Gas and lighters/Matches (ofc he did ...) so saved Tai her money. They surrlunf the school with gasoline being carful not to gey caught toby tracing the halls with gas as Tai traced the entrane with gas, Alan traced the outside of the classes full of gas. Then they ignited the fire works and they blew the hell up following like dominos the entire school blew in flames. It was like one big star of disaster. Tai didnt feel remourse no...she laughed her ass off the entire time. This was the best thing in her lifetime. Screams of so many people were heard Toby and Alan stokd there..mercyless... Tai realized how many people she killed... "Holy shit...wellllll....mosttttt of them desserved it. Asswholes." Tai hugged her two hatchet welding friends and "BOOM" The entire school in smitherines... "uhjh yeah lets go before the cops show up-" Alan said "Uhhh yeah fuck this" Toby spoke back and the 3 musketeers sprinted to all hell away from the skull as police lights were surrounding the school luckily enough they escaped and hung out for the day to celebrate Tai's accompolishment. They were in town by the mall outside the mall Alan spotted Ri & Evan

"Yo Wassup Ri!" Tai fist bumped her best friend who wasnt at her highschool today..? "Yo you didnt go to school?" Ri smiled and looked at Evan the two in sync "Fuckkkk noooo!" "Dude, Tai me and Evan skipped and decided to just go to the mall and stay here half of the day HAHA "Yeah it's pretty fucking fun!" Evan said with that evil smirk on his face. "Welll... in that case can we join ya?" Ri nodded and held Tai's arm "yeah obviously you mofoooo" then the group of misfits fucked around in either hottopic or spencers Tai and ri stole a few belts and shirts while Even was being immature asf in the back of the spencers but Toby laughed his ass off (yo if you dk wha I mean by bck of a spencer's lmk) Alan was standing besidd Toby giggling a bit. Yeah...its true this school semester did end with a BANG 🧨😏🎆🎇

[queenofbaws]

taking a quick break from flash fiction to have dinner and to ask myself an incredibly (un)important and (not even a little) serious question:

is it too late for me to completely change the plot of like wringing blood from a stone, because replaying ud has me thinking the only thing worse than jack being involved in the mess at hackett's quarry is the hackett brothers being in blackwood the night of the fire

just

just.

just...

imagine.

jack has. so much to do that night. we see him all over the mountain, and let's be real, he's a middle-aged dude - a monster hunter sure, but that snow is DEEP and you KNOW ya boy is getting tired out there. he's following sam, he's sneaking up the mountain, he's following mike and jess to the cabin, he's saving emily in the mine, he's delivering ominous messages at the lodge, he's getting his head cut off and dying, it's a FULL! NIGHT! FOR! HIM!!!!!

so what if

for (mumbles) reasons, the hackett boys have been up on that there mountain with him the whole goddamn time too and they're just. worse versions of themselves adkslfjsldjfasdfjasfkl

jack keeps to the mines for the most part because that's his thing. he's the one of them who has the best hang of hunting, is able to stay the stillest, and just plain isn't as scared of what's down there. emily still bumps into him, and later he's able to help find jess and matt because he knows those tunnels like the back of his hand.

chris starts off at the base of the mountain and is the one to watch the kids coming in. he reports it to the others, keeps them on their toes, but he doesn't join them up on the summit until he has to. he hates it up there. he's more the face of their operation, mostly hanging around blackwood township, so he is less than pleased to actually be dragged into a hunt. he's the supplies guy. he supplies the supplies. he doesn't actually hunt, are you kidding me?! the other three can do that crap.

bobby sticks around the lodge itself because he's not very good at being QUIET or HIDDEN out in the open, but he knows how to get in and out using the sanatorium tunnels, and if anyone's making sure nothing's getting into the lodge through the basement, well, it's him. he is. UNBELIEVABLY CONFUSED when he starts finding dead pigs and old sawblades piled up in the old resort. CONFOUNDED. every time he reports back to the others, they're just like "bobby, jesus christ, no there's not a saw movie happening down there, you're being dramatic." he is not being dramatic.

travis, of course, is the one to slink after mike and jess - at least until disaster strikes. next to jack, he's the best at staying out of sight and disappearing when he needs to. is there a NOTABLE silence that falls over the walkies when he immediately volunteers to be the one to tail them? yes. does that silence make him immediately very angry? yes. does that anger make his motives any less transparent? no. BUT NO ONE'S LAUGHING AT HIM WHEN YOU-KNOW-WHAT HAPPENS AND HE BUYS MIKE 5 EXTRA SECONDS TO KEEP JESS'S FACE ATTACHED TO HER HEAD.

mostly though

mostly

i'm thinking

about the moment

where after escaping the mines and the conveyor belt, emily rejoins sam, ash, chris, and mike in the lodge. you know. the moment. where we usually meet jack. only this time

this time

there's a very authoritative knock on the door. and someone with a very official voice calls out that it's the blackwood pd. and everyone in the group is so relieved

except for emily, who just barely gets a chance to remind everyone:

"they told us they wouldn't be able to get here until dawn"

before mike and chris tentatively open the door

and chris (hackett) kicks it the rest of the way in because he's just so fucking glad to be back inside instead of out there with those things, and travis oozes in with him, and the gang is suddenly very, very, very tense again because who the FUCK are these guys?! one is being very friendly and the other is being very unfriendly, and neither seems too worried about any of what's going on.

this tension only gets worse when one of them yells "how's it goin' for you, b?" and bobby comes up from the basement, twice as big as usual given his winter clothes, and suddenly the gang realizes no, whoops, oops, oopsie daisies, they haven't been alone all night. someone has been watching them. a few someones in fact.

a few someones who have spent too much time living in a blasted-out sanatorium in the middle of a deserted mountain to understand or appreciate the importance of personal space.

im just saying

i think

for how fun it is putting jack in hackett's quarry and making him the (extremely begrudging) voice of reason, i am suddenly STRUCK with how fucking hoRRIBLE IT WOULD BE IF THE SHOE WERE ON THE OTHER FOOT AND THE HACKETT BROTHERS WERE ALLOWED TO DEVOLVE INTO THE VERY WORST HORROR MOVIE VERSIONS OF THEMSELVES, BEING RAISED MORE LIKE FIDDLERS KLJASDKFJASLKDFJASLKDFJ

chris being all chummy and pretending he can't tell how deeply nervous he's making the people around him

bobby just grabbing people to keep them from running off

travis smelling the girls' hair

im just saying.

i am just.

saying.

i think that scene in the lodge would just be. so much more awful. and tense. and nerve wracking. if the kids were more or less matched with hunters vs. it being the five of them and jack.

i love the hacketteers, i do, but with the exception of laura, none of those kids were looking to commit a felony that night. the blackwood kids, though????? the blackwood kids?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!!

youre gonna look me in my eye and tell me if the blackwood kids suddenly thought this was a hostage situation, they wouldn't just fuckin go for it? sam cracks chris over the head with a lamp before making a break for it. ashley stabs whoever's closest (she deserves it). in a concerted effort, mike and emily almost knock bobby down the stairs. chris keeps getting confused when someone yells "chris," as does chris! they're both too keyed up to realize it's a same hat situation.

jack finally walks in after climbing up out of the mines and ages 20 years when he sees everyone fighting

hannah shows up and everyone starts screaming instead

THE! POSSIBILITIES! ARE! ENDLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[milesmentis]

From the Pride OC asks!

3) How did your oc discover themself? Did something cause them to question, or did they always know?

for ALL OF THEM (please? 😁)

*cracks knuckles* Okay ... let's do this!

Daren: answered here (everyone else is under the cut)

Gil: She was my late bloomer. Going back to the mention about Gil and demisexuality, she probably has the closest parallel to my own journey. When she was growing up, she definitely thought she was asexual because she had -100% interest in boys and 0 interest in girls. She has that intense Eldest Daughter Syndrome that most Hawkes tend to carry and that + her discomfort with male attention made it easier to just ignore anything that had to do with her own sexuality because it make her feel complicated messy things. She was an incredibly awkward and apologetic teenager, but when she's older (around 19/20) her feelings for other women started to really develop. She doesn't fully blossom though until she gets to Kirkwall, cuts off all her hair, and starts hanging out with a bunch of disaster bisexuals

Hallapan: She figured out she was a girl at a pretty young age (I'd say about 7 or 8), because I headcanon that's also when the gender roles in her clan would have started hitting. That's also about the same time that her magic manifested and I feel like those two things kind of run parallel in her mind ... the idea of suddenly becoming something else, something rare but a little strange. Clan Lavellan wasn't actually her birth clan, and when a few more mages manifested when she was a young teen, she was sent to them. It was a two edged sword - she was upset that she had to go, but also excited bc it meant that she could go train as a Keeper in another clan where they never knew her as a little boy. It was a fresh start and helped her anxiety about puberty and social transition a ton.

Magnus: Oh Maggie ... my dear angry macho bisexual. Out of all my characters he is the one who struggles the most with his internalized homophobia and toxic masculinity. I headcanon that the further north you go, the more rigid things like gender and sexuality tend to be. In his case, Magnus was from a small town in the free Marches with a very strict father who joined the army the second he had the chance and stayed there for over a decade. Those two things gave him a kind of skewed view of masculinity and male-attraction. He's honestly something of a frat boy, so his own feelings for other men were a thing he could explain away through, like, the rituals of male-bonding. Definitely a guy who would say, "Of course I've fucked dudes. I was in the army wasn't I?" Meanwhile, Daren and Donnie would be staring at him like "......... bro." It takes until he's about 30 to get really comfortable with his own queerness (he has such a huge crush on Cullen, it's insane) and honestly his friendship with Dorian is so healing. Just finally having another queer male friend to talk to, and one with such a different but equally repressive upbringing ... yeah ... I think they're real neat.

Brosca: The female Brosca origin is so goddamn Gender to me! Unlike the canon, Brosca is actually older than Rica (about 33) and experienced a ton on gendered violence, starting from their mother. She grew up under a constant tirade of "Everything would have been better if you were a boy, you useless failure" (her father was merchant class). After Rica's father leaves for the surface and their mother falls into depressive alcoholism, Brosca is the one who has to shoulder everything - she becomes the breadwinner the only way she can (breaking heads for Beraht) and does everything she can to protect Rica (usually by making herself the wall or the target). Orzammar being so aggressively heteronormative forces her to carve out a sexless space for herself in order to survive. She's not a woman like her sister (pretty, painted, artistic, kept) and she's not a man like Leske (desperate, letcherous, envious, possesive). She's a knife and if you touch her for ANY reason, you're going to get cut. Going to the surface changes her life in so many ways, but I think one of the most powerful is hearing gender-neutral Ser for the first time. She never truly unpacks her own feelings about sex and gender, because she doesn't have the reason or language to do so, but even though she continues to use she/her for the rest of her life as a convenience, she really grows to think of her own gender as Warden. And that finally feels right.

Eyas: Eyas is a very reserved and introspective person, so I feel like he figured out that he was both gay and aromantic in his mid-teens. It was always a kind of perfunctory thing: clans are very interconnected groups and as a result, I don't think things like nudity, sexual interest, or gender really ... matter as much? Because everything is so interpersonal. When he leaves the clan, however, he doesn't handle it very well. He becomes even more withdrawn, and the only person who he even slightly warms up to is Zevran. Unfortunately, Zev interprets this change in behavior as romantic interest, and when he offers sex to Eyas, he panics. It takes a long, complicated, and shockingly emotional (for him) conversation until he finally admits how badly he's hurting, how little he wants sex, and how afraid he is of losing the closest thing he has to a clan brother because he can't feel the same desire. Zevran is absolutely understanding and helps him talk through his feelings about sex and romance (generally) and specifically (pining for Alistair), and gives him reassurance that what he feels is natural and understandable. They become even closer after that - a literal lifeline for Eyas in many ways - with a tinge of that homoerotic non-tension that really good queer friends always have. His actual "awakening" doesn't happen until Awakening (if he makes it that far) ... the second he lays eyes on Nathaniel Howe.

Donnie: The only character I've ever made who Gets The Goddamn Therapy and Support They Deserve! Aside from the background radiation of "Mild Homophobia and Sexism That Permeates Military Life Even In The Future" he doesn't have any hangups about his sexual orientation. I think, like most bisexual nerds, his awakening was Star Wars (which might be two centuries old, but he will defend with his dying breath). Like Daren, he gets a kick out of people assuming he's straight but he's never shy about mentioning ex-boyfriends. He's primarily attracted to women and a lot of the bros-to-lovers arc he has with Kaidan revolves around them both talking about hot women over beer and then dropping a quick reference to hot men ... no homo tho ... haha ... unless.

[clericofshadows]

I’ve written over 6K words of a hurt/comfort, angsty, grief/morning monster of a zaeed/kaidan fic that takes place after the events of the ME2 prologue and right after take me back to eden and there’s still no end in sight...

not that I’m like, complaining, but damn, I really wanted to work on my regis/kaidan version of the UNC hostages mission with the L2 biotics but I guess this is where I’m at lol

anyway here’s a snippet of what I’m working on:

Kaidan shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not. She and I've never been close, but that's mostly due to Regis."

"He was very tight-lipped about his childhood. Not great?"

"He never wanted to be a spacer kid."

"And he joined the Alliance anyway?"

"He did, but he did it on his own terms."  And because I was there to do it with him.

Zaeed chuckled. "I can see that." He crossed his arms against his chest, giving Kaidan a calculated look. "What is it you aren't telling me about him and space?"

Shit. 

Kaidan tossed his shirt on the bed, mingling with Zaeed's clothing. "The last thing Regis wanted was to die in space."

Zaeed widened his eyes. "Fuck."

"And I listened to it," Kaidan admitted, sitting back down on the bed. "I heard every last word, every breath he struggled to take, every plea he had for him to somehow not die in space."

“Wait, you heard him get spaced?  What really happened?”  Zaeed sat down next to him.

“We were hit by an attack from some kind of unknown ship.  Ripped us to shreds damn near instantly.  He ordered me to get off the ship while he grabbed our pilot.  He was able to get our pilot out, but not himself,” Kaidan summarized.  “Regis wasn’t going to leave anyone behind, but I knew all the details of his ‘disaster’ plans, and our pilot disobeyed his orders.”

“How so?”

“Regis was a bit of a pilot himself, at least, when it came to smaller ships and shuttles.  There’s a story I should tell you about the time when he was a teenager and stole a shuttle off his mother’s ship to get to Earth.” Kaidan cleared his throat.  “Anyway, Regis recognized when a situation couldn’t be helped, and wanted our pilot to get himself out alive because there were moments that no good piloting could save a ship.”

And the space above Alchera was one of them.

“Feel free to blast me across the room for even asking this, but do you blame ‘the pilot’ for not abandoning the goddamn ship when he had the chance?” Zaeed asked.

Kaidan laughed mirthlessly. "You read me too well."

"Part of the job. You don't have to answer."  That’s answer enough, was left unsaid.

"No, I might as well tell someone else," Kaidan sighed. "We exchanged some heated words after the fact once we were all 'settled' back on the nearest Alliance station."

"What the hell happened, Joker? Why wasn't he with you?"

"There was another blast right when he got me in the shuttle."

"Did Regis have to drag your ass in the pod?  You knew he was going to come for you!"

Ashley came up behind him. "Kaidan—"

"Don't 'Kaidan' me!  He knew what the fucking plans were and still stayed put!  I don't care what you have to say Joker, Regis—"

"My piloting ensured as many of you could get the hell off the ship!  I know that Regis died while saving me, but don't go blaming me for something that I couldn't have controlled!"

"Couldn't have controlled?  No, you just couldn't stand being wrong about anything involving the Normandy!  But it doesn't matter anymore, now does it?  You might've saved the ship a few precious seconds but Regis didn't get any!"

Ashley stepped between them, interrupting whatever Joker was going to say next. "This is not the time to be fighting!  God, it's a terrible day when I'm the fucking mediator. Joker, you knew what the orders were. Both of you, walk away before things get more ruined than they already are."

"You aren't going to call out Alenko for prioritizing his boyfriend over the rest of the crew?" 

Kaidan felt his biotic corona roar to life. "Go fuck yourself Joker, and remember that Regis died for you!  He was never going to leave anyone behind!  And he chose you."

Zaeed listened to the story, never betraying anything with his expression about his own thoughts and feelings on the matter. 

"We haven't talked since, not even during the damn funeral.  All I've heard is that he's grounded now, and with his record, I'm not sure if he'll fly anything like the Normandy ever again," Kaidan finished. "I'm not proud of how I reacted, but I'm not yet ready to apologize for anything that I said."

"No need to defend yourself to me, but it sounds like you at least have a good friend there in that Ashley."

He nodded. "She tore me a new one, and I don't blame her for it. But I had to know."

"Regis once told me he felt like he finally found himself a home on that ship," Zaeed said after a short moment of silence. "Even if he did bitch about some of the crew."

"Like who?"

"That pilot you were talking about. Some of the younger Marines.  The asari you rescued," Zaeed listed off. "But he seemed to like everyone for the most part. Would've loved to see him in his element.  God, I should've brought out the goddamn whiskey for this talk."

Same group Regis would always complain to him about. Kaidan hadn't thought about T'soni since the Saren mission, not really caring where she went after the battle of the Citadel. 

Regis prioritized her mission last, and he never really formed a bond with her in the same way with all the other crew members and ground teams on the ship. He saw her as a liability, and openly refused to let her meld with him. 

Honestly, Kaidan wouldn't have allowed it either if it were him in that situation. It still shocked him that Regis let Shiala in, but that was far more dire in comparison.  Especially since Regis was able to supply enough detail for T'soni to figure out where the Conduit lied purely from his descriptions. 

"There's still time."

"Nah, even I can admit that would've made things worse right now. It's too damn fragile right now."

To hell with it.

Kaidan leaned in and claimed Zaeed's mouth with his own, pressing in against him and making him fall back on the bed. Warm skin rubbing against each other, feeling every inch of the man underneath. 

A feeling he's yearned for again for too long. 

Zaeed made a pleased noise, one hand grasped in Kaidan's curls, the other slowly teasing down his front.  Kaidan joined his hand on top of Zaeed's, guiding him down to his zipper as he started to kiss down his neck. 

"Anything changed since our last encounter?" Zaeed asked, pressing lightly against his hardening cock. 

"No, not really," Kaidan said, hovering next to his ear. "But I've taken to an even greater liking to being in charge."

"That doesn't surprise me.  Want to order me around, be in control?" Zaeed chuckled, but his expression was serious. 

Kaidan pulled back slightly so he could face him. "No, not today." He maneuvered himself so that he was leaning against the pillows, switching their positions for the moment. 

It would be so easy to say yes, to claim and that semblance of control he so desperately wanted to have right now. 

But not yet. Not when things felt so delicate between them. 

Not when the ghost of Regis still lingered.

[masquenoire]

“Dead?! What the fuck do you mean they’re dead?!?” Roman snarled, apoplectic with rage at the news he’d just received. The piles of paperwork littering his desk scattered like leaves in the wind as he slammed his fists down heavily upon solid wood, the gesture doing nothing to appease his foul mood and only fuelling it further when Horsehead’s suspicions had been proven true. Business on the streets had been sinking like a corpse in Gotham Bay for some weeks now. Naturally there were slow periods from time to time, so Roman hadn’t been overly concerned after the first week but then profits only continued to decline, with today turning up less than a few hundred measly dollars. A few hundred fucking measly dollars! His profits had never been that bad, not even when he was a fresh-faced rookie for crying out loud, so where had all his customers disappeared to? Turned out they hadn’t just disappeared, they’d been turning up dead all over the city, many of them familiar names who’d bought from him for years. Now all of a sudden they were dropping like flies in just a few weeks? It didn’t make any sense and because of that, Roman was pissed. "So what the hell happened then?? And don’t tell me, they all decided to join a doomsday cult? The crap we sell is clean so it can’t have been that killing them all!” The muscle, those slack-jawed idiots shuffled on their feet uncomfortably, not one brave soul amongst them daring to lift his gaze for fear of getting a punch to the jaw for his trouble. Even Ms. Li didn’t have a smart quip for once which didn’t make him feel any better. Rocco was merely a dog, blissly unaware and uncaring of the situation that had befallen his master and Roman envied the mutt for the briefest of moments, wishing life could only be so simple. Horsehead was the only one who seemed composed, but the rubbery white equine mask he always wore concealed any and all expressions from others. ”Word on the streets is that bad drugs have gotten into Gotham and they’re coming from your territory. No idea what they are or where they came from just yet, but it’s bad stuff. Real bad. The GCPD claim twenty victims have turned up dead this week and they’re finding more and more bodies every day. Buyers are getting nervous so they’re staying away, you know... just in case they’re next.” ”No fucking shit. This is bad for business!” Roman snapped, running a hand over his blackened scalp. Today was turning out to be an absolute disaster. Roman didn’t give a rat’s ass about some random dropheads too stupid to know not to OD themselves but he did care about his reputation and how badly profits would be hit should people believe these lies being spread about him being the one distributing whatever the fuck was killing his regulars. Ever since the fiasco that caused him to lose Janus Cosmetics, Roman always double-checked his deals and made sure he’d gotten exactly what he’d been promised. Poisoned drugs were not what he desired - the dead didn’t come back for another fix and now he was out of pocket and liable to end up in serious shit if he didn’t get a handle on this situation quickly. It was only a matter of time before the bat brigade came snooping, if they hadn’t been doing so already, and tossed his ass in Arkham. Worse still, Red Hood might believe he was responsible for these killer drugs snuffing out people all over the city and would do a hell of a lot more than just breaking his bones and dragging him back to the slammer. And Roman really didn’t feel like dealing with that asshole today. Unfortunately, Horsehead seemed to read his mind and commented further before he could say anything against it. ”Why not contact Red Hood? He can’t be worse than the Joker, plus you might find out what the hell’s going on around here.” ”Have you lost your fucking mind, Horsehead??? The last time we dealt with that asshole, he nearly blew our previous building to Kingdom Come with a goddamn ROCKET LAUNCHER!!! Or did you miss that newsflash somehow??” ”That’s because he wanted to make a good first impression. Next time we might not be so fortunate, especially if he thinks these rumors are true. Shoot first, think later and all that.” Roman gritted his teeth, seething at what he was hearing but knew he didn’t have any better suggestions. For all his issues, Red Hood didn’t target civilians so he couldn’t be the one responsible for the killer drugs either. He would not poison a bunch of random people just to make up an excuse to come after his enemies, he did so anyway regardless so there weren’t many other options avaliable and like hell was he running to the Bat.

”Fine. Send a message to Red Hood, tell that prick we need to talk. Where and when, I don’t give a damn - somebody’s trying to set up shop or cause trouble between us, one or both and I ain’t interesting in taking the blame for this mess.” The muscle, who had been watching this exchange nearly breathed out a collective sigh of relief as Roman signalled for them to go, clearly wanting to formulate a plan with Horsehead in private. They did so quickly, coming up with the idea that the equine-masked man would instruct a new underling, one of the most harmless members they had on hand to get the vigilante’s attention and let him know Black Mask needed to discuss a delicate matter at a time and place of his choosing, preferably sooner than later. Roman sighed once Horsehead also left, collapsing back in his seat and pouring himself a shot of whiskey which he downed fiercely. What a way to start the week. At least he’d caught wind of this situation early, and would soon root out the little rat bastard who’d poisoned half his regulars and scared off the rest. Horsehead’s words rang in his mind, that Red Hood couldn’t be worse than the Joker. Roman had a hard time believing it but what options did he have at this point? He had to make his move before anybody else did and stop this from getting any worse than it already had. @jp-todd-rp​

[raxistaicho]

Are we not engaged? part 2

-Celine perfectly one-rounded the boss, that was big cool.

-Oh hey it’s loli dragon Azura. Why is everyone so young in this game.

-Lol, Veyle did a reverse jump scare.

-Celine: “But here I found that you are rather more... human than I expected.”

-Wow, Celine implying Alear being friendly is a human thing rather than a dragon thing. Fucking racist. Go join Edelgard, Celine, it’s where you belong.

-Also Celine hasn’t mentioned tea once, which I was told is her character gimmick, so that’s a good sign. She beat out Alfred who mentions muscles in his fucking Engage line of all places.

-I can steal random animals now lol

-Vander was apparently holding out 10k from me lol

Chapter four is where the game started getting good in terms of gameplay. Louis can pretty smoothly choke the center of the map but you you need to abuse your Emblem stuff to reach him quickly.

-I was promised faster load times after Three Houses, but load times for the Somniel are still noticeable.

-Heals are pretty cheap, which is good since I’ve been having Framme spam heal for exp. Then again that depends on how often I get more money.

Alear Clanne C: It’s basically just Alear Vander C all over again.

They keep saying the stewards took care of Alear, but what did they actually do?

-Oh my god, those surge tomes from chapter 4 were 1 range only!? I’m a goddamn idiot T_T

-The fuck there’s a Ring Vault in the Somniel, why on earth weren’t they just kept there.

-Celica’s rank 10 thing is a recover staff. Celica famously did have staffs in her games!

-Oh, Chloe’s really tall. Big nice :3

-I did pushups. It was actually a bit engrossing.

-Man, how’d the Elusians take Firene castle, it’s only got 1 bridge leading to it.

-It looks like Eve is about to drop slurs.

-Also the Elusian commander looks like a dipwit. They let idiots like this in charge?

-We see Zephia’s tits twice before we see her face.

-Zephia: We will now kill every living soul in this castle one by one!

-She’s gonna be “redeemed” isn’t she, lol.

-Zephia’s talking like she’s reading from a book of villain cliches. Also she seems to recognize Alear. And she calls Lumera a beast. She didn’t seem to know she’s dead.

-Fell Dragon’s back, baby.

-Celine might actually be one of the better characters, by simple virtue of Celica being bonkers, Celine having her first in ch4, and Celine having better bases than Clanne.

-First instance of a boss having a self-res crystal. Kaga did it first.

-Breaking into the boss’s room was actually pretty tough due to high enemy density. So far Engage is pretty fun from a gameplay perspective, but the plot is still a disaster.

[dwarf-vader-of-middle-earth]

Life is genuinely shit right now... I haven't felt this depressed in nearly a year, possibly longer...

All my friends are unavailable to hang out in person, and I have seen 1 friend in person in the last 6 months for 1 singular hangout of just a few hours. I'm isolated and alone, and I can't even go out to do fun things because it all costs money to go places, and I have absolutely no money whatsoever.

I would love to go to Pride, but today was the festival and I couldn't go because, again, no money for gas or tickets or food or anything.

All my friends are planning these HUGE summer vacations like cruises and worldwide trips and shit, and I'm forcibly stuck here in my room at my house doing not a goddamn thing going nowhere, because I have no money and no friends available and even if I did I wouldn't want to be a financial burden on them.

And what's worst of all is that I haven't spoken to any of them really about any of my problems, or how I've been doing, or what I'm going through, because I just don't want to be an emotional burden on them. They deserve to live happy lives. They shouldn't have to shoulder what I'm living through, or take on my troubles, and be weighed down terribly as a result. I'm alone to handle this shit, and I hate it. I hate being fucking depressed with no help. But I can't even get therapy because again NO FUCKING MONEY and my parents REQUIRE that I pay my own therapy bills.

Every day my father forces me out of bed ay 7:30am to start job hunting even though I've gone to every fucking in person location in a 20 minute drive radius of me that I can possibly find work that I'm capable of or qualified for, only to be told, "I don't know if we're hiring, check online." And yet my father keeps forcing me to go in person and hound these people and keep looking and motherfucker it's not fucking working I've applied to over 40 jobs in the last month alone and I got 0 interviews anywhere period!!!!!!!!

I can't take this. I am a fucking mental mess, I am a disaster, I cried myself to sleep just a few hours ago, and my whole body hurts like fucking hell and I can't do anything about it because I've taken so many goddamn painkillers for months straight now that my stomach is aching consistently and I have to stop.

I'm fucking done. My favorite game ever that's been my hyperfixation for many years now is coming out with an expansion tomorrow, and it's the first time I can't get the expansion at all. I've gotten every single one since release, I played them all many times over, and this is the one I just can't have, and it honestly feels like I'll never have it and never play it.

I can't even play any of the games my friends do. They've got like Helldivers and keep begging me to join them, to buy it already, but I keep telling them I have no income at all, and literally $4.80 to my fucking name right now. That's it.

I'm alone. I'm isolated. I can't reach out to a friend without feeling like a fucking burden. I can't go hang with them at renfairs and LARPs and concerts like we used to do because money is inexistent. I can't play games with them from my home because we don't have any games to play together and I can't buy any. And I can't even get help with a therapist because yeah I have no godsforsaken money and I therefore can't get therapy and I just hate being alive seriously.

Fuck this. Fuck me. Fuck my life!!!!!

[adelaidedrubman]

wip wednesday!

tagged over the past week or so by @schoute @poeti-kat @starsandskies @marivenah and @purplehairsecretlair for wip day, and now that we’ve circled back around to a wednesday i’m finally doing it! sending fresh tags to everyone above if you have new stuff, and to @florbelles @henbased @heroofpenamstan @blackreaches @belorage @strafethesesinners @ishwaris @derelictheretic @dihardys @beautiful-delirium @stacispratt @confidentandgood @shallow-gravy @vasiktomis @the-delicate-disaster @snake-in-the-garden @bluemojave and anyone i might be forgetting!

bit from wildfire chapter 15, below cut for major spoilers... finally getting something i think we’ve all been waiting for for a long time now ;)

“Well I guess I’m real fucking sorry I didn’t pay appropriate goddamn respects to your inanimate fuckin’ bar,” Jestiny replied, words seeming to sting her tongue with her own surplus of bitterness now leaking out.

“Rook, I know that you don’t mean to —”

“She’s speaking her piece.”

“But I care because I’m interested in getting our living and breathing people back from him, and bringing ’em back to somewhere they can halfway survive,” she shot back in completion, ignoring Jerome’s increasingly concerned expression.

Mary May scoffed, rolling her eyes to shoot a disbelieving look to the Pastor, as if waiting for him to join her in offense, then narrowing her eyelids and looking back towards Jestiny.

“What do you think we’ve all been doing?” she asked, puff of air falling from her nostrils. “Everywhere?” she added, slanting brows down further. “Why are you only interested in the ones you gotta storm up to John Seed personally to get?” she demanded, voice rising with the queries, before she undercut it with a slight chuckle. “Do you just miss him that bad or something?”

“Oh, fuck off,” she spat back, gripping a hand against the ledge of the bar. “Yeah, Mary May, I miss being around the guy hunting me down and threatening to lob my skin off. Was hoping we could have a nice picnic by the water while I’m there. Maybe a sleepover! Braid each other’s hair, paint each other’s nails. Talk about boys,” she chimed sarcastically, craning out her neck to thrust her head forward, into the woman’s space. “It’s not my fucking fault he’s obsessed with me,” she hissed. “And it’s sure as shit not my fault I’m the only one around here bothering to dedicate an ounce of fucking attention to figuring out what he’s up to.”

“Come the fuck off it with that shit too,” Mary May responded, snarling her lip and stretching her own neck forward to meet her. “Always in here ranting and raving about how you know him…”

“Well I fucking do!”

“For fuck’s sake Rook, do you think you’re the first person he’s tried to play the obsessive little mind games with?!” she asked, before Jessie could say more. “You’re not! You’re just the first person sad and sorry enough to actually wanna play back!” she shouted, looking her up and down with an expression of disgust that appeared earnest enough to make Jestiny’s stomach churn.

“Whoa now —”

“He tried pulling the same shit with me, too. And tore my family apart doing it. Took everything but this place from me,” the bartender ignored Jerome to continue, breath falling hot against Jestiny’s face as she shouted. “Or, since buildings don’t matter to you, and you’re so concerned with people all of a sudden, how about you take a drive down the road a bit and ask Nick and Kim Rye about all the shit he’s put them through?” she asked, raising her brows. “Been obsessed with getting his hands on ’em both for years,” she elaborated, before Jessie could inquire. “Fucking came in and stole the shit folks gave ’em at their baby shower a few weeks ago, Rook. Just shit we were giving them for their kid. What brilliant fucking reasoning can you figure behind that?”

Jestiny flared her nostrils, drawing in a deep breath.

jerome in the background trying to radio out a distress signal to dutch:

(also normally never add commentary but for anyone unfamiliar with the deets on jestiny’s canon she’s being a giant liar here and has 100% earned the mary may callout)

[mikeys-bike-slut]

Untitled Part 6

Part 5

Warning: angst, minor injury

A/N: I didn't realize how short this was, I apologize ^^ But I'll upload part 7 soon! Things are getting real .-.

Enjoy and thank you for reading!

***

After concealing the marks I left on Mikey we both made our way to the shrine separately. On the entire ride there my mind was filled with what Baji said to me. Mikey might have fucked my brains out but apparently not well enough to shut off the haunting thoughts of what is actually going to and could happen. Tonight's meeting is possibly going to be a disaster. I am worried for how Mikey will react; Pah's in jail and now losing another core member of Toman. I was so into my thoughts I didn't even realize I already arrived at the parking lot, when I woke up it was too late to reduce speed or to break so best I could do is swerve my bike before I'd crash into the others which resulted me being stopped by a tree and have a close encounter with a bush. The crash sent panic to my gang mates who I almost crashed into. 

"Shit! Angel!" Mitsuya exclaimed as he rushed to me along with Draken who scooped me out from the bush I landed in. 

"Are you okay?" the tall blonde asked me in a worried tone as he caressed my cheek. 

"What happened Ang?" Mitsuya asked in a worried as he checked over my body for injuries. "Nothing feels to be broken at least" he said in a relieved tone.

"Nothing, just that bush looked really interesting" I answered with a forced chuckle which seemed to put the males at ease or at least Mitsuya. 

Draken still given me a suspicious look but I just pecked his lips and gave him a reassuring smile which made him be a bit more on ease. I held onto Draken as he helped me walked up the stairs -as it seemed I did injure my leg in the crash- Once we were at the shrine Mikey given me a weird look when he noticed my limping and my very nature based look with the leaves and small branches sticking out of my hair. He just given me a look which told me we're going to talk about this later. Oh the joy.

"Valhalla wants to start a war with us. They may have more men than us but are we going to back down? Are we going to let them just take over Toman? No. Not without a fight. So I'm asking you all, are you with me?" Mikey's voice echoed in the night.

"Yes!" the answer came almost in unison from the members then...

"I have to pass. Not feeling up for a suicide" a voice came from behind the crowd and I recognized it instantly... Baji. So this is it. 

"Baji... I'm pretty sure I told you, you are not welcome at our meetings" Mikey said in a calm tone as he watched the raven haired man slowly approach him. 

"What you gonna do? Kick me out?" Baji replied with a grin then cock his head. "Let me make it easier for you. I, the Captain of the First Division of Toman, officially resign from my position to join Valhalla" as he announced the a loud murmur ran through the crowd. 

"You goddamn traitor!" I yelled as I rushed up to him as much as I could with my limp and just slapped him hard across his face. He just grinned and cocked his head then suddenly grabbed my cheek, to an outside eye it seemed violent but it was gentle; I knew it was all an act.

"Don't worry sweetheart, you'll see me soon. I promise when we take over Toman I'll take you as my personal slut" he grinned then shoved me back.

Mikey's face went cold at that sentence. "Leave and don't ever come back" he said with a serious, dark tone. 

Baji just laughed as he ripped his Toman coat off and threw it by Mikey's feet. "See you all on the battle field" he waved before he walked off. 

I kept up my fake shocked and angry face but deep inside I couldn't help but feel heartbroken. Something inside told me it'll be the last time I'll ever see Baji. 

"Anyone else wants to leave?" Mikey roared at the murmuring crowd which frightened them enough that even if they wanted to leave they were too scared to do so. "That's what I thought. I'll discuss details tomorrow with Hanma then we fight" he said then walked off. 

I waited for the crowd to dissolve to pick up Baji's coat and hid it under my uniform jacket before anyone else saw. I was about to start walking -or hopping- down the long stairs of the shrine when suddenly someone lifted me up from behind and throw me in their arms in bridal style. As I looked up I saw Draken, he gave me a small smile and just kissed my forehead. "I'll help you down and take you home, I don't think your girl is in any shape to be ridden right now. I'll fix her up tomorrow for you" he said in a soft tone as he walked down the long steps until we reached the bottom where, to my surprise Mikey was standing there with his trusty 250T and looked up at us.

"Go home Kenny, I'll take her" Mikey said and Draken just nodded before gently putting me down. 

"If you need anything, you know where to find me" he said softly then looked at Mikey. "Take care of her..." 

"As always" Mikey nodded then glanced back at me. "Are you ready?" to which I just nodded and he just took off. 

I held onto him closely and tried to clear my head but I just couldn't. Usually a night ride always clears my head but this time it just given me more time to over think. I felt as a ball slowly grows in the back of my throat and the feeling of break down crying just seconds away. I didn't want to cry, especially not in front of Mikey. Mikey was the only person to whom I always hid or at least tried hiding my emotions, because I constantly wanted to prove myself that I was worthy of the uniform.  Maybe accepting his ride was not the best course of action given my current emotional state. He probably just wants to take me home and fuck me. Before I could over think that situation Mikey stopped the bike and I realized we arrived at my house. He got off his bike then helped me off. He fiddled in his pocket then pulled out my spare keys and opened my front door. The little shit. 

"You just stole my house keys, huh?" I looked at him cocking a brow. 

"Are you really complaining right now?" he cocked a brow at me then just picked me up and walked in with me. "I'm staying tonight" he announced after putting me down and locking the door behind us. Like hell you are. 

"Manjiro, I really am not in the mood to do what you want" I said in a serious tone and I felt as the crying grew stronger and stronger enough for my eyes to start tearing up. 

"You don't even know what I want, so I guess you have to suck it up" he said in a monotone voice then took his jacket it off and helped mine off but stopped as Baji's coat fell out and I froze. He looked at the jacket then me, then bent down to pick it up then folded it and placed it on top of the armchair. "However I may feel towards Baji, he was your best friend. I have no right to be mad at you nor question you for this" he said pointing at the jacket. 

"Thank you..." I said quietly, unsure of how to react or what really to say. 

"I'll run a bath for you then I'll take a look at your leg" he said then after taking off his boots he walked off to my bathroom. 

As I stood there dumbfounded my phone buzzed and it was a text from Draken:

I smiled to myself as I put my phone away, really wishing I would've said no to Mikey and gone with Draken. I love Mikey but he is really shit at comforting people, he is not the most socially acceptable person, and his solution to everything is basically sex, that or a ride. Not something I needed in that minute. I guess I should just have faith in him? 

"Alright, let me see your leg" he said once he walked out of the bathroom, after what I assume running a bath for me. He crouched down then gently pushed me onto the arm of the arm chair so I can sit. To my surprise instead of taking my pants down he just rolled up the leg of my pants. He pulled my sock off then just examined my feet and leg pressing at certain places asking if it hurt. 

"So what's your conclusion Dr. Sano?" I cocked a brow and he just rolled his eyes, I guess he was not in the mood to joke. 

"You hit your leg pretty hard and the swelling pressing against your muscles so whenever you flex those muscles they press against the swelling hence the limping, you should be okay if you just rest for a few days" he explained and I looked at him very confused. 

"I'm in a biker gang I need to know some basic first aid, don't give me that look" he said slightly annoyed and just rolled his eyes. 

I was really confused at his attitude, why he wanted to come in and help me if he is clearly not in a good mood. He is not exactly the type who feels guilty if they don't help someone, or that they feel like it's their responsibility to help someone. At any given second he could just ring Draken and he'd be here in second but instead he is still here. 

Then I realized he isn't here for me, he is here for himself. He needs someone.

"Mikey..." I called out to him and he just replied with a 'hm' as he looked at me. He tried to hide but I seen the pain behind those onyx eyes. "Come here..." I opened my arms for him and just pulled him in my embrace. It took a few minutes but he wrapped his arms around me and clung onto me tight. I knew he didn't want to talk and I didn't want to pry him so I just held him close and caressed his head. "How about you join me in that bath?" I asked softly as I pulled away to look at him.

"I'd like that" he nodded softly and as I went to pull away he pulled me back and kissed me. "Thank you..." He whispered quietly into my lips.

"Nothing to thank me for. I always said I'll be by your side, Manjiro"

He gave me a small smile then took my hand and led me to my bathroom. We both undressed and he helped in the tub. We just laid there, without a word with his arms around me and that's all we both needed, just the pure presence of each other, feeling safe in each other's arms clearing our heads of the burdens we both carried.

Once we finished the bath we climbed into my bed and fell asleep in each other's arms.

The next morning I woke up to an empty bed. When I checked the time it was way past 12. I was about to almost panic until I noticed a small note under my phone. It was from Mikey.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 320: Deku vs. Class 1-A

Previously on BnHA: Flashback!Kacchan was all “fuck Deku and fuck his stupid goodbye letters, I need to speak to somebody in charge.” Endeavor was all “hello, I am Somebody In Charge.” Kacchan was all “listen up asshole, you need to let us go out and collect our wayward nerd because you stupidly left him alone with All Might and that’s a fast track to disaster right there.” Endeavor was all, “[self-incriminating silence].” Rat Principal was all, “okay sure, have fun kids.” Back in the present, class 1-A was all “hi Deku” and Deku was all “I’M FINE!!!!!” and Kacchan was all “THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU’D SAY YOU DUMB FUCKING NERD” and so the kids all got ready to fight, because OF COURSE they’re gonna fight. Sorry guys, but yeah it’s happening.

Today on BnHA: Kacchan is all “what’s up Deku you look like a possessed Rorschach test, so anyway how are the new quirks coming along.” Deku is all “they’re coming along like THIS” and uses Smokescreen to try and get away. Kacchan is all “PHASE ONE COMMENCE”, and Kouda, Sero, Jirou, and Ojiro leap into the fray to shower Deku with heaps of love and violence, because this is a shounen manga and kicking someone’s ass while simultaneously proclaiming your undying admiration for them is just how it’s done in these parts. The KoudaSeroOJirou squad then passes the baton to Satou, Momo, Tokoyami, Kaminari, and Shouji, who are all “fuck this mask” and do a bunch of stuff to tear Deku’s mask off because they’re the real heroes. Shouto is all “LOOK AT THE LITTLE CRYBABY, THAT’S RIGHT, GO AHEAD AND FUCKING CRY and by the way let us share your burden please,” and once again I swear this is all very deeply moving and touching within the actual context. The chapter ends with Tsuyu being all “look at me. I’m the cliffhanger now,” and damn.

lol what

I don’t think anyone was expecting that. I mean, not that I’ve got anything against Tsuyu or anything. anyways it’s a very nice cover and I love the colors and I hope this means Tsuyu’s gonna do something badass

also, “Deku vs Class A” -- pretty much the expected title, but it’s still got me hyped nonetheless fuck yeah let’s go

IIDA ANGST

Iida Tenya really said “fuck the uniform code, we’re leaving the helmet at home today.” sorry kids, prim and proper C-3PO Comic Relief Iida has left the building. can I interest you in some Serious Iida

meanwhile Kacchan is all “sup Deku, I heard you got a few more quirks, and might I just add that you look like the Snyder Cut of Detective Pikachu”

“you look like a tarred and feathered squid” okay easy there Kacchan. I mean it’s all true of course, but still

“thank you all for coming” OH EXCUSE ME SON, WERE YOU PLANNING ON GOING SOMEWHERE. LET’S JUST SEE HOW THAT PLAYS OUT

yep and there’s Smokescreen, right on cue

okay Horikoshi, I leave it in your hands. hopefully you can come up with some more interesting combos than my dumbass predictions lol

LOL THIS ISN’T A COMBO AT ALL

“explosions solve everything” -- Horikoshi Kouhei, 2021. something something shockwave, something something handwave ta-da no more smoke. lol okay then

oh, ouch

he would know, wouldn’t he. nice application of one of your many hard-earned life lessons, Kacchan

by the way you guys, just as an experiment, I’m going to try to anticipate some of the discourse this week in the hopes of preemptively addressing it and thus saving myself some time later on lol. so here’s our first test run!

ANTICIPATED DISCOURSE: “oh my god what a fucking hypocrite can you believe this fucking guy”

PREEMPTIVE REBUTTAL: it’s precisely because Kacchan has been in this exact situation himself that he’s able to recognize his past self in Deku now and call him out on it. just because it took him sixteen years to get it through his head that he can’t accomplish every single thing completely by himself doesn’t mean Deku has to go down that same path. so yeah, maybe it is a bit hypocritical, but if you insist that the only people qualified to call out stupid shit are people who have never done a single stupid thing in their own lives, then what you’re basically saying is that absolutely no one on earth is qualified lol. so yeah, I’d have to disagree

and one last unrelated note, I’m willing to bet the whole “you didn’t even say a word before you ran off” thing is possibly the first thing Kacchan’s said in this whole encounter that actually does stem from genuine hurt rather than his tough-love-harsh-truths strategy. I’M TAKING NOTES HERE HORIKOSHI. at this rate it’ll take twice as many chapters as DvK2 for them to hash out all the stuff between them, geez

anyway so I gotta say, so far Deku vs. Class A is looking an awful lot like a DvK3 wearing a hat, trenchcoat, and sunglasses lol

OH SHIT I TAKE IT BACK??

FUCK YEAH, YOU GO KOUDA. and I guess he ditched his mask as well! excellent

so far the strategy here seems to be “Kacchan says all the mean tough love shit while the rest of 1-A balances it out with warmth and kindness”, which actually works pretty well imo. Deku is one of those people that doesn’t usually need a Kacchan Translator anyway, but just in case, this is very efficient

mm but of course Deku is slingshotting himself away with Blackwhip. all right then, who’s up next!

FUCK YEAH

okay but seriously you guys, what is going on with Sero’s face in these last couple of chapters though, it’s really starting to unnerve me. is he trying to emulate Kacchan’s whole asymmetrical facial expressions thing?

in fact let me just quickly hit pause here because,

ANTICIPATED DISCOURSE: “SERO IS TOGA??!”

PREEMPTIVE REBUTTAL: no

oh snap looks like Jirou’s getting in on the action too!

poor Jirou probably spent days racking her brain trying to think of something she could bond with Deku over. is Horikoshi doing these in reverse order of the kids who have had the most interaction with him? that would explain why poor Kouda didn’t get a flashback lol

omg. well that answers that

so by my count, Satou and Hagakure are the only ones remaining in this first tier of kids who Still Appreciate Midoriya even though they’ve barely ever spoken two words to him in their lives lol. so they’ll probably be next, and then we’ll get to the next tier of kids who are pretty good friends with him but not quite besties. and then we’ll move on to the IidaRokiRaka trio, and then lastly, to the boy who is in a tier all his own

BUT FIRST, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR

and by “sponsor” I mean the Dekuangst. just in case that wasn’t clear. indeed, many thanks to the Dekuangst for making this all possible

(ETA: okay so this whole “take me away” line seemed pretty weird to me, and sure enough it’s yet another one of those cases where only the verb is specified, and the object is left to the reader’s interpretation. so even though the translation says “take me away”, I’m pretty sure that what Deku’s actually saying is “take you away” -- as in, his loved ones will be taken away by AFO.

and that is literally the way he phrases it, though -- the verb used is “奪う” (ubau), meaning “to snatch away; to dispossess; to steal.” which, god, that hurts my whole goddamn heart though, because for him to say it like that?? not “AFO will kill you”, but “AFO will take you away from me.” he can’t have nice things anymore because of AFO. he can’t be around the people he loves because AFO will hurt them. he can’t have happiness because AFO will take it away from him. anyway so where the fuck is AFO right now, motherfucker I just want to talk.)

by the way can Ojiro just extend his tail to whatever fucking length he wants or what because it’s like twelve feet long in this panel lol

WOOO FUCK YEAH TOKOYAMI

YOU LOVE TO SEE IT!! BUT WHERE’S YOUR FLASHBACK? YOU’VE HAD A BUNCH OF INTERACTIONS WITH HIM, THAT’S NOT FAIR

okay so now Satou’s stepping in which is back to my anticipated order, so maybe Toko will finish his little moment afterward

dskfjfkk

“REMEMBER THAT TIME DEKU BORROWED SATOU’S FOOD COLORING” Horikoshi says, sweating. “AND REMEMBER THAT TIME HE, UM, SMILED IN HAGAKURE’S GENERAL DIRECTION”

actually I am curious about what Hagakure’s part will be because, you know, the whole traitor thing lol

(ETA: funny how we just skipped right over it huh. can we get a traitor reveal countdown started here? definitely getting close to that time.)

whoa lol wtf

MOMO??? THIS HAS MOMO WRITTEN ALL OVER IT DAMMIT

-- SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK

“SORRY MIDORIYA-SAN, I LEFT MY FUCKING CHILL AT HOME IN THE LOCKER NEXT TO IIDA’S HELMET” holy shit lmao

and here I thought she’d get a flashback to her time on the Baku Rescue Squad or something. but nope, no flashbacks from Momo, only terrifying sci-fi torture devices

poor Dark Shadow is such a trooper omg

“why am I the only one who has to make prolonged contact with his smelly disgusting self” taking one for the team there DS

FUCK YEAH KAMINARI NO JUTSU

THE PRICKLY BASTARD WHISPERER STRIKES AGAIN!! don’t suppose you brought any clean clothes you could sneakily force him into huh Kami

okay here we go, so now Shouji and Tokoyami are joining forces

um excuse me this is fucking awesome

wonder how he’ll break free? don’t think he’ll reveal Fa Jin until the end of the chapter, so maybe Air Force or something? idk

TOKO GETS AN EXTENDED MOMENT BECAUSE HE IS A TIER TWO PATREON REWARD LEVEL FRIEND YAY

WHY IS MOMO MAKING THIS FACE LOL YOUR THING WAS WAY WORSE

and Shouji just casually hitting him with what is easily the best comment from anyone yet. too bad Deku’s just gonna ignore it. you deserve better Shouji

KAMINARI OMFG

it only just occurred to me that Kami is currently trapped inside Dark Shadow right along with him lmao omg. realest one in the entirety of BnHA, right here. we will never forget your sacrifice

aaaaaaand Deku’s yeeting himself

do you really hate the thought of taking a bath that much my dude

oh shit the mask!!

-- oh shit the feels

o(TヘTo)

fuck. and I mean, we knew he was crying, that was a done deal. but still, to see him in this much pain is just...

and the acknowledgement that he knows they’re worried about him, but that it doesn’t change his mind one bit. this, right here, is why they have to be a bit harsh with him, you guys. because they’re up against the full, unbridled stubbornness of Midoriya fucking Izuku, and if they don’t match that stubbornness with an equal stubbornness of their own, they basically don’t stand a chance

(ETA: quick note that there is apparently another mistranslation here -- rather than saying that his friends are oblivious to the danger, what Deku is actually saying is that none of his friends have activated his Danger Sense once throughout this entire fight. which I had been wondering about, and it turns out Horikoshi actually confirmed it. so basically none of the kids bears any ill intent toward him, and there’s literal proof right there.

incidentally, as @class1akids​ pointed out, this also casts an interesting light on this chapter in terms of who hasn’t fought Deku yet. not to play the Hagakure Traitor Music for the billionth time you guys, but I’M JUST SAYING lol.)

anyway, but the good news is that they all seem to understand that. and the even better news is that we have reached the tier 3 friends!!

“OR ELSE” lol, great to see Shouto wielding his friendship just as aggressively as Deku once did towards him. I do love a good role reversal

p.s., ANTICIPATED DISCOURSE: “why is Shouto being so cruel to Deku can’t he see how hard this is on him”

PREEMPTIVE REBUTTAL: this is a callback to the classic “even heroes cry when they have to” Shouto line from chapter 137. Shouto is clearly following Kacchan’s lead here and going for the more ruthless approach, knowing that the gentle approach isn’t getting through to him (if anything it’s only making him more stubborn as we saw on the previous page). basically it’s his way of pointing out that even heroes are still only human, and so is Deku last time he checked

ah okay, and there Tsuyu is at last

okay real talk, I get why Tsuyu is included in the tier 3 friends, because she was one of the first people to team up with Deku going all the way back to USJ. but that said, this probably would have had more impact if their most recent interaction hadn’t been like 150 chapters ago

but anyway though it’s still a good speech. maybe not quite a cliffhanger-level speech, but a good speech nonetheless. in a way though, I’m glad to see that Horikoshi seemingly didn’t give a fuck whether he ended this on an actual cliffhanger or not for once

and that “headed toward the climax” part has me excited too, ngl. because if we really are getting to the so-called climax this soon, that makes me even more certain that there is indeed a DvK3 in the forecast. so I presume that next week (or I guess two weeks from now) will be the tier 3s along with the remaining tier 2s like Kirishima and Aoyama

and then after that, well... [orange and green banners being hoisted] [sound of screeching airhorns and vuvuzelas in the distance] [sound of All Might approaching in his car which I didn’t notice until I looked back at this page a second time whoops] THE PROPHECY WILL NOT BE DENIED

[riverdale-retread]

Riverdale S6 Ep 18  (#113) Biblical

So Riverdale, a formerly pretty, now busted up looking town where a series of unfortunate events have occurred without break, is so desensitized to disaster that they all just calmly invented silly explanation for signs of the apocalypse and went on with their days! 

Frogs ‘escaped the biology lab,” flies, lice!  Ew!  Ack!

The most unrealistic part of this for me, the true sign of the end times, was that they somehow got Cheryl Blossom washing lice out of her niece’s hair.  She looks like she wants to vomit and she roped the hapless Heather into it, but still she does it. With her own luxuriant mane down.  

There is a completely bonkers transition by the way.  The camera zooms in on the foaming lice killer on Juniper’s head which I was terrified was going to show me a big dead lice but then it did something worse - the lice killer shampoo TURNED INTO CAPPUCCINO that Veronica Lodge directly sipped from.  WHY?

And there is an answer, actually!  Veronica Lodge is about to get news and receive a request that is exactly as palatable as sipping poison foam flecked with dead lice:

Toni tells her that she and Fangs are getting married (siiiiiighhhhhh) 

AND

that she is not going to be bringing money and profit to Veronica by renting a champagne suite (Did the Five Seasons get run out of business? I feel like it’s been a while since we’ve heard about the hotel.) 

AND

that she is being asked to be a wedding planner. 

Veronica is the nicest of the OGs. She really is.  She is clearly a bit disheartened by this request, but she keeps the smile on and says only the most perfect, kind, appropriate things. 

We cut to Betty and Archie  in their nice cozy home.  

Betty looks very pretty despite a very loud stripey cardigan made of bath towels, and Archie has surreal brassy reddish orange hair that clashes with his very depressive blue flannel. 

Archie says he agreed to be a groomsman for Fangs as long as he doesn’t have to make any effort.  I’ll say this for Archie - he always says exactly how much of a limited person and unabashed asshole he really is.  It’s not his problem that everyone around him refuses to actually listen to him. 

Betty for her part is looking forward to a happy event to dress up for after her difficulties at SlaughterCon.  They kiss sweetly  and are nice to each other.  I agree with them that all of them “need something good to celebrate,” as Archie says.

But a fucking wedding between Toni and Fangs cannot POSSIBLY be a good thing. No.

Another fun shift as we burst through the wall of the Barchie residence to Jughead typing away on the typerwriter Betty got him back in the day.  The last word he types is ‘Boys.’  Jughead is in the Bunker with Tabitha.  Jughead ropes in all his girlfriends to be his beta readers (unless he’s writing about them directly, maybe) so Tabitha is standing there reading the pages hot off the presses.  Tabitha says she loves the La Llorona story he wrote. When asked how he’s suddenly so prolific after suffering long bouts of writer’s block, Jughead says that he’s been ‘riffing off’ of the voices he has been forced to contend with (from Percival’s violating his mind’s boundaries).  She is so gentle with Jughead, Tabitha is, so she asks him in the least pressured, most calm way whether he can consider coming out of the goddamn bunker and join normal life.  I find it distressing how the bunker behind Jughead looks more and more like his home with her - the bric-a-brac in the green shelf in the corner, the Jughead Jones candle fetish out in full force, his penchant for creating bulletin boards on the fridge.

Tabitha tries to draw Jughead out of the bunker for the (I’m sure it’s cursed) cursed Foni wedding but Jughead says that while writing (by riffing off the voices) does make them subside, he just isn’t ready to go back out into society.  Then he says he doesn’t want Tabitha to go alone to a wedding ,and she very gently says she just wants him to be OK.  I just love Tabitha so much, and really, after all his troubles, it’s so wonderful to me that Jughead has someone who looks out for him consistently.

In his magic shop, Percival is muttering magic spells (which subtitles are telling me is Latin), bringing on more plague events.  There’s a very convenient hole in the brick wall through which Kevin peers in on Percival, and watching him drop something in a bowl of water while muttering makes Kevin freak out quite a lot. 

Tabitha is on a tour of good cheer because the next sad person she visits is Veronica.  Unlike Toni, Tabitha picks up on the sadness that Veronica feels about her present situation in life, and what Veronica lays out highlights all the ways she’s the Jughead Girl Version.  Veronica is mopey because she had a brief but glorious “Dreams Comes True” time in NYC (her as a Wall St. hotshot, him as a hotshot new writer) which then went terribly wrong, replete with a toxic partner, which landed them back in Riverdale under much less fun and thriving circumstances.   For his part, Jughead really lucked out in terms of starting a relationship with Tabitha, but Veronica hasn’t had good luck in that area of her life.  

Which makes me circle back to Toni.  I agree with her that if I wanted something big done right one should go to Veronica Lodge, but she’s asking the woman who had to shoot her husband dead in self defense to plan her wedding.  It’s bizarrely cruel. 

Tabitha tells Veronica that her five year plan’s also gone to shit, leading to these two brilliant, beautiful, energetic young women having a moment of grief for their aspirations. It was a little bit too real.

Just as Veronica gets done saying she has a lot of love to give and wants to share her heart with someone, she gets an intercom message saying “There’s something wrong with the plumbing.”  So I think this must be of a piece with her drinking the lice shampoo cappuccino - her heart is plumbing, and her actual building plumbing is spewing blood. 

Everyone’s water is blood - Archie doing his dishes, Britta trying to get a gulp at the fountain, Toni and Fangs’ sink.  Kevin chooses this time to visit to make a big announcement: He will no longer be seeking custody of Baby Anthony!  So, while Kevin’s custody-stealing arc has come to a pretty OK resolution with his seeking forgiveness, I do find it a little dispiriting that he does it with these words: “You’re his mother, Toni” and also “You’re his REAL father, Fangs, not me.”  

This seems exceptionally retrograde for this nonsexual throuple family - a gay couple and their best girl friend and the ambiguous baby daddy / sperm donor / who cares about the paternity had a breakup and now we have a straight-looking couple with their bio baby who are getting straight married with the gay guy on the outs seeking forgiveness for disrupting their nuclear family peace.

Bisexuals in a straight coupling don’t stop being bisexual OBVIOUSLY but this is a weirdly conservative way for the show to drive these relationships.  The Foni relationship  looks straight and now Baby Anthony’s biological provenance is important. What the fuck.

Oh and also.

FANGS. STILL. HAS NOT. TOUCHED. BABY ANTHONY.

The extremely sad look that Fangs gives Kevin is a tiny nugget they threw my way, I guess. 

Archie is trying to mess around with his plumbing. While he’s down there Percival gives a call, demanding that Archie call off the strike.  The difference between American TV Villain Brit cadences (so very sing song and high pitched) and All American Hero speech (vocal fry, growly, low, curt, almost monotone) is a fun contrast.   Being ominously poetic at Archie Andrews might be fun to do but is ultimately useless, so after flapping his yap about God’s Lowliest Creatures and so forth, Percival is left with no choice but to tell Archie to watch the news which is so lame.  Archie Andrews’ density does come in very handy quite a lot of the time. 

Right on cue comes Alice Smith Cooper on the news, and she hilariously describes Sweetwater River as having turned ‘blood red.’  Uh, whether a fluid is actually blood or not is actually testable, you know?  But the apparently incompetent “scientists” of Riverdale, who are “at a loss to explain this stunning, apocalyptic development” are unable to test whether the fluid in the river is blood, and will only concede that it is red of a bloody hue.  It’s up to Alice Cooper to editorialize and put words into people’s mouths (“dare *I* say”) like the trash tabloidist she is at heart. 

It’s only after having his girlfriend’s mom tell him through the television that it’s APOCALYPSE NOW that Archie looks concerned and freaked out.  His eyebrows are black and his hair is a terrifyingly unnatural color.

Percival “insinuated that he was responsible” for the water going weird, is what Archie tells the assembled Riverdale Avengers (minus Jughead).  It surprises me that Archie uses words like ‘insinuated.’  I like that the Riverdale Avengers is this collection of very pretty, extremely strange women.  Cheryl (no explanation needed), Betty (ultraweird), Veronica (poisonous murderous party planner) and Tabitha who fits in like she grew up with these people.  Tabitha thinks Percival is boasting.  Cheryl concedes that powerful sorcerers exist but is not willing to give that crown to Percival just yet.  

Cheryl has been all about the low cut top with the push up bra these past episodes and I don’t know, do people get desensitized to such magnificence?  I find it so distracting. 

Anyway, Cheryl says that she is an awesome Devil’s Advocate, Veronica gives a very funny nod-nod of agreement. Cutting right to the chase, Cheryl suggests that they just kill Percival. She delivers this suggestion with a bright smile, and very responsibly offers to do the deed herself.  Tabitha looks not alarmed but rather skeptical, Veronica is stressed, Betty just looks at Cheryl like she’s told a bad joke, Archie puts a hand over his eyes.  Cheryl’s exasperated, sotto voce, “Oh my god” before she points out that they have all thought about it is both true and very amusing. I love Cheryl. 

Archie as the leader (?) kiboshes the murder plot by saying that in the fight between good and evil you cannot choose the ways of evil.  Cheryl rolls her eyes, and so did I. I don’t know about you, but using evil’s tools to dismantle evil looks really good to me in real life right now. Good keeps losing and maybe we need to get our hands dirty? 

Whatever. SO anyway, continuing on with the very bizarre retrograde values kick the show is on by forcing this marriage between Toni and Fangs, Archie says that the wedding should not be rescheduled (as per Veronica’s very sensible suggestion) because a wedding will remind everyone about what they’re fighting for, because a wedding is a symbol of a better tomorrow for our families.  Right.   But that’s so cursed, because this quickie shotgun wedding between the Serpent King and Queen was originally manipulated out of Fangs by Toni under false pretenses (she wanted to marry him to win the custody war), the need for which has now dissipated. 

Betty, who has just recently told Archie that getting married, being a mom, and living in a white picket type situation may not be for her, casts a very worried look at Archie as he delivers this speech about Family Values, essentially, being paramount to well being.  Oh dear.

Jughead in the bunker is visited by La Llorona complete with water drip and squish sound effects.  

The ventilation, plumbing and other issues with this bunker fascinate me all the time. Jug is burning candles in votive cups and bottles all night apparently, because I guess he’s scared of the dark while he sleeps? But doesn’t that do weird things to the air quality, to burn so very many candles like this in a closed space?  Also does he LOCK the bunker at night? 

Jughead narration says immediately after that he had “vivid nightmare.”  It’s not clear what time it is or how soon after that La Llorona visitation (or dream).  He asks “Can someone have snuck into the bunker and stolen it?” about the missing La Llorona manuscript.   Well I don’t know Jughead!  Can you lock the bunker??  The fact that he still makes these single hard-copy drafts of his works even after Jess made off with an entire (cringey, drug-induced) book length manuscript is amazing to me. Get it together, sis.

Meanwhile at the diner the striking workers are chafing at the bit, because having no income (supplemented by whatever per diem the union is able to provide and free meals at Pop’s) is not enough.  Tabitha (who has her own business) exhorts everyone to hang on ‘for the future.’  This is the key weakness shared by movements like this, I guess. The present is such a terrible burden, so the endurance necessary for something to be realized “for the future” cannot be sustained. 

At the FBI office, Betty asks Agent Lin to get her bibles and texts about apocalypses.  The response is highly weird, because Lin immediately assumes that Betty is asking for these things for her personal needs. (“I didn’t know you were such a religious person”). Is this how Riverdale thinks the FBI works, that Betty as the senior ranking (somehow?) agent can make Lin do her personal shopping? Betty explicitly explains that she needs it for a case.

Veronica and Tabitha are spending a lot of time together, which is soothing to me and grounding for the show which is doing a lot of audacious things (La Llorona wetly jumping universes from Vale to Dale; Biblical plague brought on by a black magic sorcerer, Toni and Fangs getting fucking married etc).  Veronica is not wearing her very questionable 1980s first lady type skirtsuit with big buttons, for which I am relieved.   I love her in polka dots. 

Veronica lays the stakes full out: 

Tabitha is fighting for Jughead. (WHICH NOBODY HAS EVER DONE BEFORE EVER, NOT ONCE NOT EVER, OMG THIS IS HUGE. ahem). (Betty would have fought for Jughead, in theory, but in actuality did not.)

Betty and Archie are fighting for each other. (Is this right, though?  I feel like Archie is fighting against Percival. Archie doesn’t seem like someone who fights FOR things. And Betty is along for the ride, but as always Betty is primarily grappling with the problem of herself.)

Toni and Fangs are fighting for Baby Anthony (So, Veronica the smart one knows that Toni and Fangs are not marrying for love. They’re marrying so they don’t lose their son or risk losing him to Kevin Keller, because Kevin is just that untrustworthy and unreliable. She knows what this is.)

Veronica doesn’t know what she’s fighting for, which is interesting. Most of her teen life she was either actually fighting with her dad or with her idea of her dad and how it affected her. Now he’s dead (at her hands) and she’s feeling adrift, rather than liberated. Tabitha is very tactful and doesn’t try to suggest things that Veronica can feel attached to.  Instead she invites Veronica to find out, for herself, her reason for staying in Riverdale.  

Except, uh oh, Veronica looks very called out. 

At Thornhill (does Heather just live here now?), Cheryl tells Heather that she agreed, at Toni’s request, to officiate the Toni/ Fangs nuptials.

I -

OK So.

The deliberate, unthinking violence that Toni seems to keep doing to her friends (Veronica first, now Cheryl) as she marries the baby daddy that she tricked into marrying her, who really wasn’t that into it, is awful.   Cheryl was fortunately wearing her version of Veronica’s 1980s political candidate wife skirtsuit (with the same round brass buttons), and it gives her the affect of a Jackie O post-assassination.

Fittingly, having this act of aggression inflicted on her while she doesn’t have the coldness that I have to just refuse to participate drives Cheryl into deciding to commit homicide as a present for Toni.

Cheryl is all Id.  She wants to kill Toni for this cruel, careless, self serving request, so she channels that and wants to give a marriage she disapproves of a charred corpse as a ‘gift.’ Nice.

Percival in the meantime lovingly puts together an altar of food, beautifully lit like a classical still life, before doing some Latin magic spell to do with making things putrid.  It rots the food on his tableau but it also rots all the food set out for the Toni/ Fangs wedding.  

This is when both My Five Year Plan Failed Tabby Tate and Nothing To Fight For Veronica Lodge both get pissed, but for very different reasons.  Tabitha, as a food purveyor, is very annoyed at the ruination of perfectly good, edible food.  Veronica, as a very uptight person who used to get a lot of her sense of self from doing and achieving things, is FURIOUS that the thing that she recently put a lot of energy into has been rendered for naught.  To fulfill her own ego needs, Veronica insists that the wedding and the rehearsal dinner must go on, in the face of Toni’s very reasonable conclusion that it should be put off.

Meanwhile, Jughead is typing away in his bunker when he get a supernatural delivery of burger, fries and a cup of coffee, which came along with some watery sounds that apparently he can’t hear.  He recognizes the scent.   Jughead apparently never got over his intense food insecurity, but the scene that happens  is extremely funny.   Jug sees the clearly NOT NATURAL  burger, but only says it’s weird, rather than,  I am losing my mind.  He says, I shouldn’t touch it, and then touches it.  He says, I definitely shouldn’t eat it, then takes the hugest possible bite out of the potentially poisonous burger. 

Cheryl in her blue suit and Heather in her Little House on the Prairie pajama dress have made a huge salt pentacle lined with red candles.   This is to project Cheryl’s power to burn Percival by burning his poppet.  The extremely childish way they recite the common language incantation is a big warning that this is not going to work, because in evil and magic Latin trumps everything.  They even wrote it into a little ditty.  The fire projection DOES hurt Percival for a bit, which was very fun to watch.   But he defeats it, as expected, with Latin.

Nana Rose is set on fire!  Cheryl comes in and screams her head off.

Cheryl is not at the rehearsal dinner.  

Veronica is not ok.  She ends up dissing Pop’s in favor of complimenting Toni (“she elevates everything to five stars” which means Pops isn’t, which, true, but still).  Tabitha is shown not to mind. 

Then she bursts into song. She sings a song to single girls at a wedding rehearsal dinner. Her eyes did dim watching Archie and Betty kiss just then, but this song has been preplanned. Britta is having a good time because the beautiful Ms Lodge comes to sit on her lap (uhh) but all the adults are increasingly scared at Veronica’s rendition and the pointed delivery of these already sharp lyrics.

I mean, Toni, you brought this on yourself. 

You asked Cheryl to officiate, and you forced Veronica to do this, which is only half a step better than asking KEVIN to be your wedding planner. I already didn’t like Fangs this season and now they’ve taken Toni away from me. The bastards!

Veronica takes a glass off the Barchie table, GLARES at them, and then smashes the full glass on the floor.  Betty checks to see nobody got stabbed by flying glass while Archie blanks out.  Veronica then yanks Fangs out of his chair to violently fling him against the bar, sits on him as the lights turn an evil red, before slamming his head down on the bar top. She hollers “dieeees” as this happens. 

She looks insane.  She starts shouting at people to rise. Rise! RISE!  And nobody does, because they’re too scared, so she points at individuals who have no choice but to comply

Some of the attendees at this thing just think she gave a rousing (if inexplicable) performance because you can hear some dude going Woah! Yeah!!! but Toni, Fangs, Archie Betty, even little Britta - people who all know Veronica when she’s well, are worried, scared, confused, concerned.

So - I am not the hugest fan of Broadway musicals (or West End musicals either, tbh) but I will say that Veronica doesn’t sound bad at all and doesn’t falter in what sounds like a big belting number that has lots of pitfalls for the vocalist. 

Afterwards, Veronica is sitting alone at the bar quaffing alcohol.  Betty is the only person brave enough to approach her at this juncture. Is this what hell looks like for Veronica?  To be weirdly (in)famous in a little town, too rich, too fancy, too successful, too beautiful to be approachable?  Betty says something that could be read either way - “That was quite the performance, V” and henceforth I am going to take after Veronica when interpreting statements of this kind. I will simply assume they are praise so that I can respond accordingly. 

Betty asks if Veronica has a date to the Foni wedding, knowing the answer is no, so that she can suggest that Veronica third wheel Barchie. 

I retract my question - this IS hell for Veronica.  I did like the mutual sarcasm of the two girls calling themselves ‘badass’ about their distinctly very lame adventures in being the two girldates of Archie Andrews all the way back as sophomores in high school.   This trip down memory lane appears to lead Veronica to conclude that what she’s fighting for is “her friends.”  But actually, Veronica just wanted to make this conversation end.  Betty did make the right gesture in asking her to talk, but said a series of useless things.  That’s kind of a cause for despair, isn’t it? When your female friends can’t come up with the salve for the wound.

Just then, Tabitha and Archie tell B&V about the summons to Thornhill. Cheryl says that HEATHER is rubbing a salve on Nana Rose’s burn wounds, which  - why is this?  Shouldn’t Cheryl be doing this? It’s HER grandmother. Or maybe this is my not-American credentials coming out.  The gang - Archie, Betty, Veronica, Cheryl and Tabitha (as Jughead proxy?) put all the pieces together:

Percival is a powerful sorcerer

He is bringing all the plagues

They must call off the strike and try for subterfuge of the Ghost Train rail construction instead.

Betty wishes they had someone on the inside. Veronica says Kevin might be coming around to the light, so Betty says she will speak to Kevin.  Is this wise?  Betty and Kevin’s relationship is really actually kind of terrible. 

Meanwhile, in the bunker, the magic burger is disagreeing violently with Jughead, who vomits, and then has to lie down. 

In the depressing forest greens of the Andrews house interior, Kevin is making a confession to Betty, who absolves him (“I went along with it like a fool” - “You weren’t the only one.”).  I see now why it had to be Betty that had this conversation with Kevin.  Betty, sensible and practical, has to be the one to bring the audience along to accept the magic /supernatural turn that this story is continuing to take.  Tabitha and Cheryl are already too involved in the magic, and Archie and Veronica do not have enough of a connection to Kevin.   Percival is officially confirmed as A Magic Man Who Performs Spells. Kevin is given the mission of trying to steal Percival’s book of spells.

At the relocated diner, Fangs is leading The Guys with his tits out to go play basketball. (He touches the basketball, and does not hold his son.  Yeah I am fixated on this. Maybe I have daddy issues.  What about it?)   Archie does forthrightly bring up the topic of calling off the strike to negotiate better working conditions terms with Percival.   

HE DOESN’T TELL THEM ABOUT THE FUCKING PLAGUES AND THE UPCOMING APOCALYPSE.  

When the very dim Fangs says, without the necessary information that would allow him to make an INFORMED decision, that he wants to do ‘what is right,’ Archie grins and says “Screw it” to unilaterally alter the plan.  

Betty has put up a Plague Board in her office.  Boils are next.  And right on cue, Percival starts ‘boiling’ little men figurines.  This is not what boils mean.  Archie runs over to Percival, and as he plays around with the chess pieces, Archie asks “What the HELL are you PLAYING at?”  Masterpieces.

Percival doesn’t care about the strike. He now just wants Archie’s submission.  “Work for me” often means slave labor in Riverdale.

Jughead is visited in the bunker by Cheryl looking fucking amazing in her Rivervale Midsommar get up. She says, “Sweet Forsythe, what ails you?” which is AN AMAZING LINE.  He still has his tummy ache.  Cheryl stabs him to make it all better.  Jughead wakes up , freaked out, only to discover that there’s an actual knife stabbed on his desk.  To someone (himself? us?), Jughead narration asks, “How much do you want to bet another one of my stories was stolen!”

Kevin has entered Percival’s lair to enact his mission.  He gets caught IMMEDIATELY.  Very cleverly, Kevin plays the sad low-self esteem man which disarms Percival.

Betty’s sifting through Bibles when she finds a really well done plate of the Whore of Babylon. Flashback to TBK calling Betty that, which she takes very seriously. 

From here we directly cut to Archie Jesus carrying the cross on Riverdale Golgotha.  The Jughead narration intones, AND LO IT CAME TO PASS, ON THE THIRD DAY WHILE ARCHIE ANDREWS WORKED THE RAILWAY TO SPARE HIS CREW ANY MORE SUFFERING,  

I just basically lost consciousness. 

I was so scared I was going to get struck by lightening.  Like that time I watched The Last Temptation of Christ scene where Christ walks off the cross led by an androgynous angel to Mary Magdalene’s house to fuck her while she asks if they’re gonna have babies. 

Fortunately, the scene is short and we move on to everyone else: Veronica is busily setting up the wedding, FONI are putting their wedding vows together, while a solar eclipse happens which Alice Cooper didn’t make any sort of announcement about.

Betty, as the voice of reason whose job it is to take us all along on this journey, sounds exceptionally beleaguered as she says something literally impossible: “And now SURPRISE ECLIPSES ARE HAPPENING IN RIVERDALE.”

This sounds like something someone who watches a TV show called Riverdale might write into a snarky episode summary, doesn’t it? 

Kevin is there to tell her that Percival is buying weapons. “Stockade for the Harlot of Babylon” is the one that really captures Betty’s attention.  So Betty goes charging to Percival.   She keeps speaking for the viewers (“I don’t understand it. I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND IT”) but charges ahead to say that she knows she’s the Whore of Babylon and Percival’s war is the only war (on the planet?) that she is “aware of, currently,” a phrase that sounds like it was put together by a legal team.  She offers  to put herself in the stockade in exchange for a stopping of the plagues.  Percival tells her what he really wants.

Cut to!

The Blossom residence which is massively done up in candles again (Cheryl and Jughead decorating soulmates). Turns out what Percival wants is Baby Anthony.  Earthquakes, Fire from the Sky, Pestilence, Hail and Death of the First Born are next.  

Heather has a huge reaction to the word “stockade.”  She knows what this is and Cheryl and Heather read the witchy gobbledygook at the group.  Two witches, a woman who travels through time, an FBI agent, a mob princess, a cult follower and a Fail Serpent Queen decide to invade Percival’s lair.  This is to me strongly reminiscent of True Blood, except nobody is a vampire. (Can Kevin be a vampire, please?).

While they’re doing this, Jughead is talking to a deep dark hole. “Who are you?” and “What are you?” and “What do you want from me?” and “Why are you stealing My Work?”

I really adore Jughead for the way he talks about His Work  all capitalized like that. 

The dark hole sends him a message in a bottle, that says, Keep Writing, type written.  He has a flashback (forward?) to Vale’s Jughead with his ships in a bottle that made Vale Tabitha finally break down and want to kill him. 

At his shop, Percival is cooing at a pestilent insect perched on his hand. Betty enters carrying a baby shaped thing in her hands.  She even dandles the baby, but it’s a big doll.  She is wearing a very interesting outfit for this - a lowcut red dress and purple blazer that doesn’t go with it at all.  She summons all the other ones who approached invisibly using Cheryl’s witchcraft that they all accepted and acted as though it totally worked.

Um. OK so - I know JKR is persona non grata to a lot of people so Harry Potter Reference TW  (Skip to after the second ***)

****

Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley showed MUCH MORE surprise at the functioning of Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak and they went to Hogwarts, than the librarian, the former banker, the diner owner and the sheriff’s son do that Hold Your Breath and Think of Cheryl rendered them invisible to the local wizard sorcerer. 

****

Cheryl knocks Percival out with the blow-in-your-face powder that functions like whatever it is  Donna Sweett used on Betty back in the day.

Cut to Archie, shirtlessly building the railway, Surprise Eclipse or no.  He looks marvelous, all rippling muscles and sweaty skin in the red glow of doom.  Jughead is having a wonderful time continuing to use Ye Old Biblical Speeche that I haven’t ever seen in a Bible in our post Vatican II era. Or maybe this is how he actually feels any time he sees Archie without his shirt on - he wants to shout : AND LO!

Percival is captured which brings the sun back.  Or rather, the capture of  The Mad Monk is what does it.  This is what Jughead calls him because I guess Jughead doesn’t realize that Percival and Kevin have fucked. Or maybe he does that on purpose. Oh.  

Veronica in a very interesting checkboard green knit outfit, takes the time to taunt Percival, locked up on the very stockade that freaked out Heather so much, in the dungeon she’s rigged up for him in the basement of her establishment (Her vault).

We skip over to the Foni residence where the queers are reconciling.  Toni and Fangs tell Kevin that he’s invited to their wedding (which is very not straight, at all, nope) and Kevin excitedly asks of Moose can come too, to which Fangs says yes.  Fangs and Kevin and Moose have all fucked each other.  This could be so bohemian and out there, but I just hate it. 

The Toni/Fangs wedding cake IS A MONSTROSITY.

WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME IT WAS LIKE THIS?

It looks like a pile of rubber tyres wound through with rose petals on thorny vines topped by what looks like a big bloody turd but turns out to be an intertwined pair of a red and green snake forming a heart as the green snake kisses the red snake on its head.

You mean to tell me Veronica Lodge ordered this cake.  On purpose?  She’s secretly anti-Tangs, anti Foni. Veronica is on my side. I know she is. Because nobody but an anti-fan could order this cake. oH No.

The aesthetics of this wedding horrify me.  Cheryl has dusted off her red Serpent jacket to wear over what look like bedazzled matador pants.  Toni is wearing a wedding dress that doesn’t flatter her with weird lace cut outs at the sides, Fangs has YELLOW ROSES in his lapel while dressed for a funeral, wearing a terrible fail beard.

Fangs and Toni also got INITIATED into the Serpents. Did they get punched in the face too?  I thought they were BORN Serpents?  (Goes off into the distance to pitch my usual fit about how I wish they wouldn’t bring up Serpent lore if they’re going to fuck around with it this much).

The speech Fangs gives is mostly fine, except it’s terrible.  He says he loves her and their family, but he doesn’t say he’s in love with her.  He says it’s us against the world and Toni looks very neutral. Why are they going through with this?

Her speech is even worse.  "I love how unconventional, surprising and beautiful our relationship is.”  Then she lies. “You’re an amazing father.”  No he isn’t. He’s just the sperm donor and has acted like it all season.  She says, “You make Baby Anthony and I very very proud.”   She does not mention the word love once to speak about Fangs.  This is the most damning wedding speech of all time.   

I am very appeased by how the writers are making it very clear that Toni knows exactly why she’s getting married. She has realized that she needs to grab as much privilege for herself as she can in order to protect herself and her needs and heteronormativity is one of the few that are available to her.  Fangs being queer is helpful because she wouldn’t be able to breathe in a marriage of convenience with a completely straight man (that’s why she loves how ‘unconventional’ their relationship is). 

While this bullshit is going on upstairs, Percival hums Flight of the Valkyries to himself to summon the pestilential insects.

Fangs and Toni kiss and everyone is completely BEAMING for unknown reasons (like why is POP’s so happy about this? Or Principal Weatherbee??) but Kevin and Moose are merely being polite. They are correct. 

Kevin sings a song with Moose on keyboard at this wedding. Britta has a girlfriend!   They’re so excited to be dancing. Britta & girlfriend are the only people that are making me happy during this number.  That and the fact that Moose apparently plays keyboard. This makes me like Moose even more.

Percival has broken out of the vault with the help of insects.  The first place he goes to is Thornhill, where he murders Nana Rose.  She’s the eldest living first born child of Riverdale and he kills her.  As the Eldest Daughter I am deeply offended that they’re altering the plague to be First Born CHILDREN and not First born SONS as in the original. 

Listen.

LISTEN.

FIRST BORN DAUGHTERS HAVE IT HARD ENOUGH OK?  Even Yaweh understood this and gave us a pass that time.  Fuck you Percival!

Nana Rose RIP. Her last exhaled breath is red.

At the wedding, Veronica is very upset, watching Barchie dance.  Tabitha approaches to comfort her.  Veronica asks WHO IS ENDGAME. I’m shocked that she asks Archie And Me as an option for Endgame.  Veronica actually tried to make the Endgame with Archie happen, but she couldn’t stand it.  Why girl, WHY?

Tabitha knows! And is about to tell her!

But Archie dies. 

Then die all the First Borns.  Fangs (yay!). Toni (yay!).  Unknown Serpents 1.2.3.  Cheryl runs directly to Toni. 

At the Bunker, Jughead wakes up. I love Jughead wakes up scenes, he’s so great at these.  This is again a different variation from what he’s done before. This is being woken up after falling asleep expecting to be woken up by an unwelcome visitor.   Jughead has flashlight at the ready (for some reason he didn’t light all his usual candles!).

His unwelcome visitor is HIMSELF!  He shouts at himself to turn around. Other Jughead glares meanly at him, but our Jughead starts to expire, under the curious and not very concerned gaze of Other Jughead. 

At the cursed wedding where both Toni and Fangs are dead, Betty weeps over only Archie, and nobody went to Sunday school because they all forget that it was THE FIRSTBORN SONS that died, and shouldn’t have affected the women, but I suppose Percival hates women and he upgraded just for us. (I am taking this very personally.)

Everyone names their older sibling (Hermosa for Veronica, Jason for Cheryl) but nobody cares about Heather so she doesn’t say anything.  Kevin doesn’t say who his older sibling is and nobody asks about that either.  Or Moose.  And Baby Anthony is still alive somehow. 

The only person who gives a care about Jughead is Tabitha, who runs as fast as she can on super high heels and a tight dress.  Betty, Cheryl, and Kevin all simply absolutely utterly do not give a shit.  Wow. This is a truly lonely life that Jughead Jones lives. Goddamn. 

Heather mentions that they should call on Sabrina the necromancer.

[in-tua-deep]

SO i watched the old guard and loved it and i have a habit of combining things i love and it’s 1am and i can’t get to sleep until i purge this from my brain i think SO consider this 

Five jumps in time into the apocalypse and - he dies. Of course he dies. Maybe it’s the time jump itself, managing to rip himself apart because he tried too much too soon. Maybe it’s the apocalypse itself that kills him. Regardless, he dies.

And then he wakes up. And he’s fine. And he continues on.

Except - he has weird dreams. He dreams of - of all these people? He dreams that they’re in the apocalypse as well. It’s weird. He would brush it off but, well, he keeps dreaming of them. Again. And again. And again. 

(He likes dreaming of them, honestly. When he doesn’t dream of them he dreams of ash and fire and his siblings dead and decaying and wailing at him for failing them.)

He continues to live in the apocalypse and years pass and - he’s not getting older. He cuts his leg open on some rocks, and it heals way too quickly. All of his injuries are like that, actually. 

(He spends a whole week starving to death over and over again once. It isn’t pretty. He doesn’t even know he’s dying.)

Eventually he comes to a conclusion - his time jump fucked him up. He’s in a permanent... stasis? Sort of? He keeps continuously returning to the state he was when he jumped through time, including his body now? Rejecting injuries? Presumably because he wasn’t injured when he jumped?

It makes sense to Five, shhh.

And then he gets picked up by the commission. and then he doesn’t shoot JFK. and then he goes home.

(He keeps dreaming about His People. They aren’t in the apocalypse when he isn’t, which is nice. They’re probably some weird manifestation of his subconscious, considering his brain keeps casting them as people during the time periods he’s visiting)

Now I know what you’re thinking - Five is dreaming about these glorious weirdos in the apocalypse, obviously they would try to find him because they’re dreaming about him as well, right?

See, the thing is this: Andy doesn’t remember the exact date she first had a dream about The Boy. 

(The Boy definitely deserved the capital letters, because he’s the weirdest enigma that they never solved.)

But she remembers her and Quynh being horrified because - the next immortal was a child? They freaked out about it and tried to write everything down they could remember to help them hunt the kid down.

And they tried - they did! for a whole three days! except after those three days the dreams just - stopped. cold. nothing new.

This was, of course, super super confusing. And maybe they would have written it off as a shared hallucination if it didn’t keep happening.

There’s no pattern to when they dream of the kid. It just happens. Sometimes a few times in a year. Sometimes there’s decades or centuries between dreams. The first time Nicky and Joe dream of him, Andy has to sit them down and explain that no, don’t worry about it. Yes she knows that it’s a child. No, he’s not a new immortal. They’ll stop dreaming about him in a few days, a week tops, it’s fine. No, she doesn’t know What The Fuck That Is About.

By the time Nile joins the team it’s sort of a weird inside joke. There’s longstanding bets about when the boy will pop up in their dreams again. It’s fine. Okay, so it’s weird, but their lives are already so goddamn weird.

(So imagine the old guard fresh in the apocalypse, no human life on earth. they’re dreaming about the boy again, and the only weird thing now is the consistency of it. maybe they’re in europe or something, but most of the planes have been destroyed in whatever-the-fuck took out the population of the whole ass world. it might have taken years to literally find and dig each other out of the rubble. yeah it’s weird the boy is not a frequent dream thing, but it’s not like it’s urgent.)

Anyway, Five jumps into his family’s courtyard and stumbles out, and eats and peanut butter and jelly sandwich, avoids questions about his age by rambling about quantum versions of himself, and goes to Griddy’s where he ends up getting attacked by commission goons and having to walk home barefoot because he had to ditch his shoes

(The Commission couldn’t put a tracker in his arm. His body kept rejecting them somehow, thanks to his... weird temporal nonsense. The Handler kept promising him that they’d find a way to fix him or whatever, but they never did. Assholes.)

Now, the Old Guard squad go to sleep and, thank you, start dreaming of Five in all his somewhat feral glory.

They bolt awake and - “You guys owes me so much money.” Nicky crows victoriously, because he totally won the pot on the next kid dream year, thank you very much.

And any other time that would be the end of it, because they’re used to these fleeting dreams of the boy.

Except Nile exists now. And of course she’s like, we have to find this kid.

Of course the others try to explain to her - except Nile points out a very important fact: it might have taken weeks or months or years to find other immortals back in the day due to travel times and lack of information and all that. But it’s 2019 baby. They have the internet and very fast plane travel. Did you have that when Booker was a baby immortal? no. it took them like, a day to go hunt Nile down though.

“You say you dream about him for a few days or a week or whatever.” Nile points out to the group’s dawning realization, “Well we have the power to get to him in a few days. So we can find him.”

“If we find him then we can never bet on him again though.” Booker points out, and Nicky who is in the process of gloating about his latest win (Nicky has won three times in a row motherfuckers) looks a bit crestfallen. Andy, on the other hand, just looks determined.

“Get off your asses.” Nile says firmly, spinning her laptop around and showing them the one (1) result for a “Griddy’s Diner” that she found that matches whatever the fuck the dream showed her, “We’re going to America.”

“Again?” Nicky complains, “I thought we swore to not go to America again for at least a century.”

(Until Nile’s family definitely dies, they don’t say.)

So they all begrudgingly go to America, during which time Five manages to get called potentially insane by his favorite sister, not get any sleep, bribe his brother to investigate an eye that doesn’t exist, and mourn losing his one lead to who the fuck started the apocalypse.

I don’t think Five or the og squad were expecting to actually meet.

But they’re hunting Five down and looking around and Five is pondering his next move and then just - across the street, their eyes meet.

“YOU.” The OG squad bellows, because Five has been a goddamn mystery for literally thousands of years.

“Me?” Five says, very confused, like someone who has definitely had trauma induced hallucinations and flashbacks whose dream characters decided to show up on the street outside his house for some reason.

And they go over to Five, and Five is like “wow what a weird hallucination to be having, maybe if i ignore it it’ll go away because that’s a healthy mindset to have (:”

and then one of them touches him and just - 

Five lashes out. It’s instinctive. He has a knife and he just - stabs. Automatically. and his dream person winces and steps back and - 

(He stabbed his dream person. Hallucinations don’t touch him they’re not supposed to touch him and they can’t be stabbed what - )

And then the dream person heals before his eyes.

“I probably deserved that.” Booker muses, grimacing at the hole in his new shirt thank you very much.

“You’re not real.” Five says a little too loudly and a little too insistently to sound at all convincing as he takes a step backwards.

“I’m not real? You’re not real!” Nicky butts in, slightly offended, “You’re the one that keeps - keeps vanishing!”

“Oh my god why are you all disasters.” Nile mourns putting her face in her palms as though she can block out her new weird family by sheer force of will.

“Hey, remember when you died?” Andy offers with a shrug which just makes Nile groan louder. “What’s that about? I’m not even shooting him this time.”

“You can’t shoot him, he’s a baby.” Joe gasps, gesturing towards Five’s thirteen-year-old self.

“I’m not a baby!” Five snaps, bristling on autopilot because the rest of his brain function is stuck on a repeat of “what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck”

“Baby boy. Baby.” Nicky backs his husband up, leaning against Joe and smirking.

“Am not!” Five growls, “And give me my knife back!”

“Finder’s keepers.” Booker says nonchalantly, spinning said knife in his fingers, “If you didn’t want me to have it then you shouldn’t have stabbed me with it.”

“It’s my brother’s knife, you can’t have it.” Five argues.

“Booker.” Andy says firmly, making Booker shrink a little like a scolded child, “Give the kid the knife back. How would you feel if I took your gun?”

“You wouldn’t take my gun.” Booker mutters, handing an increasingly confused Five the knife back, “I would simply shoot you.”

“Ooh,” Nicky snickers, “Fight! Fight! Fight!”

“Don’t encourage them.” Joe says, nudging at Nicky. Which would be fine if he hadn’t added in a slightly lower tone that they could all still hear, “Fifty on Andy.”

“That’s a sucker’s bet, my love.” Nicky laughs, pressing a kiss to Joe’s cheek.

There’s a beat of silence.

“No offense, but what the fuck is going on.” Five states rather than asks, clutching his slightly stolen knife (Diego didn’t even notice when he’s snagged it which honestly means he didn’t deserve to keep the weapon) tight to his chest. “Are you guys... with the Commission?”

“What the fuck is the Commission?” Joe does not whisper to Booker, who is supposed to be the research guy but he just shrugs because he’s useless.

Anyway that’s how the whole Old Guard squad winds up in Reginald Hargreeves creepy ass mansion trying to explain to an increasingly erratic immortal child that, yeah, he’s a little bit immortal. No it doesn’t have anything to do with his powers (powers?? powers??????? what the fuck i mean yes their lives are already so goddamn weird but there is a line and Booker draws it at teleportation what the fuck). 

What’s this about an apocalypse?

(When they asked Five for his age, they were not expecting a curt ‘fifty-eight, probably’. Yes they are now aware there is funky time travel involved - which honestly explains so much about the frequently vanishing immortal - but still. 

He looks baby but also he is baby. He’s younger than Booker!! Not even a century! They have two whole babies on the immortal squad !!)

“The world is going to end on April 1st.” Five explains, looking deeply uncomfortable. And afraid. 

(And young. So very terribly young. He’s been thirteen-years-old for a long time. If these people are right - he’s going to remain thirteen until his immortality, what, wears off? Which could be literally thousands of years in the future?

He has family god damnit. He doesn’t want to outlive them. He just - he just wanted to see them again. To save them.)

And honestly why not. Five has already demonstrated teleportation. Time travel does explain his random popping into their lives via dreams. Why not? And let’s be real, they have way much more to lose by not believing him than believing him.

“Alright let’s stop an apocalypse.” Andy says, clapping her hands together.

“You’re going to help?” Five asks in a small voice, because he had sort of resigned himself to going at it alone.

“Give me the number for the eye.” Nile says kindly, “We have someone we could contact about that sort of thing, or at the very least who can keep an eye out for when it is manufactured and let us know.”

(RIP Copley when he realizes he has to deal with anything involving the Umbrella Academy. I am sure they were a very deep thorn in the governments side for a long time tbh)

“Who The Fuck Are All These People In Our Living Room.” Luther asks, Very Loudly, with Allison close behind.

And yeah. No one really knows how the fuck to answer that, let’s be real. What are they supposed to say? Hey, sorry for crashing, we’re here to lowkey kidnap your newly re-found brother because surprise! he’s immortal! Because that would go over so well.

Anyway, so the Old Guard squad are just there like,, trying to teach Five about his newfound immortality (at least he’s got good at the whole “fuck cameras” thing during his stint in the commission, though admittedly there were plenty of mission from pre-camera times. ah, the age before technology.) and also adopt him? because being immortal means family and family means no one gets left behind (or forgotten, hello Quynh)

(okay yeah they tried to put Booker in time out that one time but after a few years they were just sad and everyone was texting him anyway so now it’s just something they bring up at every opportunity. Joe wants the first turn in the bathroom? Booker, you betrayed him. He was a lab rat, Booker. And on and on until Booker throws up his hands and gives in. Yes, fine, you can have the bathroom first.)

And the Umbrella Academy usually would leave Five to his own devices but... look. Five might have vanished for seventeen years or whatever but he’s still their brother and they can be surprisingly territorial.

At least some people are getting along like a house on fire.

(“You were a crusader?” Klaus asks with wide eyes, “How does that even work?”

“What, being gay?” Nicky asks, tilting his head, “It’s fine. I have a permit.”

“A permit.”

“Mmhmm. From the Pope and everything.”

“I kind of want to be you when I grow up.”)

I can’t tell if things would go more smoothly or if the fuck ups would be even more epic in proportion. On the bright side, the apocalypse probably wouldn’t happen because Andy and Nile immediately clock Leonard-Harold’s serial killer vibes.

(Leonard realizes they’re onto him and tries to kill them which is a big mistake lmao, bye bye Leonard)

It probably ends up in an all out war against the Commission honestly, and the OG squad and the Umbrella Academy teaming up to destroy it.

(“How is this even going to work?” Allison asks at one point, gesturing at Five and the old guard.

“Shared custody?” Joe suggests brightly before doubling over because Five has pointy elbows and is not afraid to use them.)

Andy and Five probably go feral together at one point and it sure is something to behold. 

“Now that is a kid who understand what a signal is.” Booker admires after a particularly large explosion happens. Nile just nods along because yeah. 

(“How come you guys get to call Five a kid without being stabbed?” Klaus complains.

“He isn’t even a century old. I’m 250 and I was the youngest until Nile popped up.” Booker shrugs.

“We’re in our 950s.” Nicky says, “If little Cinque does not want to be called a kid he should have been born earlier.”

“How old is hot axe woman?” Klaus asks, absolutely enraptured.

They OG squad all exchange a look and just collectively shrug, “Old as balls.”

“Besides,” Booker says dismissively, “What’s he going to do about it? Kill us?”

and that ends that conversation)

(They also don’t discuss how young Five is. How young he was when he died. How that’s going to effect him all his life. How he’s going to be old in years, but he’s always going to be thirteen in the same way that Nile is stuck in her 20s. Sometimes it seems like the immortals are getting younger and younger in age and... it sucks.)

anyway just. Old Guard and Umbrella Academy shenanigans as they stop the apocalypse and try to look after the semi-feral teenager they have been saddled with and figure out what comes next