#i try to do that with chronic pain by popping my joints all the time but it doesn't really work

[autisticlee]

having some sort of chronic pain and tiredness issue and joint problems and whatnot but not knowing exactly what the problem is is really good at leading you feeling like you're faking it or making a big deal out of nothing or making it up. especially if there's a good day where it's not as bad and you can walk straight without limping for the first time in a year. but then you can wake up the next day and can barely walk and wonder why you can't just walk normal. it's hard to not guilt trip yourself into dealing with pain by trying to ignore it and force yourself to walk "normal" all the time

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Love cleaning my elbow brace and how it smells like detergent for weeks after <333

[powerfulkicks]

my head hurts and body hurts but in new fun ways

enrichment for chronic pain people fall through a ceiling every now and then to unlock new pains to collect

[moonstruckme]

Hi, I love the emt!marauders you post, I was wondering if u could write one that the reader has a chronic disease that involves getting sore when it's cold? Idk how to explain, I have lupus, and when it's cold, my joints tend to get sensitive and sore...so something with fluff/comfort, pls?

Thank you for requesting my love <3

cw: reader has unspecified chronic pain that flares up in the cold, I relied on the internet to write this so if anything seems wrong/inaccurate please let me know

emt!marauders x fem!reader ♡ 887 words

Sirius is furious with himself for not checking the weather report. It’s so rare that you all have time off work on the same day, it’s possible you’d gotten ahead of yourselves in the excitement, but the sudden onset of winter wasn’t part of anyone’s plan. Even in Remus’ coat and tucked under James’ arm, you’ve gone quiet and withdrawn. Sirius can practically see you cringing with every step you take down the sidewalk. 

The other boys are similarly concerned.

“Let’s pop in here,” James suggests, maneuvering you all towards a bookstore. 

“Jamie,” you say, voice all sweetness even when it’s threaded through with exhaustion, “don’t go in somewhere you don’t want to just for me.” 

“Doll, I know how it might seem that way,” says Sirius, “but despite popular misconception, James actually can read.” 

You crack a smile, though it looks like it costs you. “Right, thanks, but we’re supposed to be out doing things we all like. If we went into a bookstore, you two would just end up sitting somewhere while Remus and I looked around.” 

“I like seeing you comfortable,” James says, somewhat poutily, “and I like buying you things. A bookstore is sounding rather enjoyable right now.” 

“Don’t you want to go inside?” Remus touches his knuckles gently underneath the butterfly-shaped rash on your cheeks that’s worsening due to the sun and cold. It’s not a terribly frigid day but the wind makes it worse, and however you try to act your boyfriends can see the toll it’s taking on you. “Even if it’s just for a while, it’ll be good to give yourself a break.” 

“Rem’s cold too,” Sirius says, noting the tension in the other boy’s posture now that he’s given up his coat, “aren’t you, lovely? C’mon, I know where we can go.” 

You don’t seem to have it in you to protest as Sirius leads you all down the block to the coffee shop around the corner. The heat is blasting inside. He finds you a table away from the door, where the cold breeze coming in can’t reach you and the whirring of the coffee grinders is less deafening. James insists on buying you each a warm beverage and a sweet (only you and Remus protest this; Sirius doesn’t know why you bother). 

“My poor girl,” Sirius murmurs, holding your frozen hands carefully in his. Remus’ coat pockets have done an insufficient job protecting them. Sirius devotes himself to rubbing warmth into each finger. 

“I think my drink would do as good a job of warming them up,” you say amusedly. 

“As good? I’m insulted.” 

“You know she really should be stretching her joints herself, love,” says Remus. 

“I do know,” Sirius replies primly, “thank you very much. It’s only that I’m very selfish.” 

Remus hums into his tea. “Selfish enough to let her drink go cold.” 

Sirius relents and lets you pick up your mug. You squeeze his hands thankfully before letting go. 

The windows at the front of the shop are foggy. It’s not cold enough yet for frost around the edges, but the mist gives the bustling street a blurred, wintry look, like the four of you are encapsulated in a warm snow globe scene, unmoving and separate from the outside world. Sirius finds it rather peaceful. 

“Did anyone bring ibuprofen?” James asks. 

You cringe sheepishly. “No, sorry. I forgot it at home.” 

“Don’t be sorry, lovie.” James palms the back of your neck, thumb rubbing soothingly. “Any of us could’ve thought of it. We’ll stop somewhere and grab a bottle.” 

“It never hurts to have extra,” Remus agrees before you can argue. 

“Okay,” you say, voice gone soft as it often does when you feel your boyfriends are taking too much notice of you. Sirius doesn’t understand your aversion to this in the slightest. “Thanks.” 

“It’s ungodly freezing out,” Sirius complains. “I move that we make a coffee shop stop every two blocks.” 

James’ face lights. “It could be like appetizer hopping—”

“But with pastries,” Sirius finishes. 

You don’t immediately argue, a promising sign. Remus appears to be warming to the idea as well. “We’d have to pace ourselves a bit more,” he points out, looking at your table cramped with plates and saucers. “Maybe at each place we pick one thing to share.” 

Sirius scoffs. “Suit yourself. I’m not splitting a muffin into four pieces and eating only one.” 

James looks as though he agrees, but he only says cheerily, “We’ll figure it out as we go. Does that sound good?” 

He poses the question to everyone, but they all know he’s really only asking you. Remus and Sirius give their assent quickly and you shrink a bit in your seat, embarrassed. 

“If it really doesn’t sound too inconvenient for you guys.” You lift one shoulder in a shrug. Sirius thinks with satisfaction that the motion looks easier than it might have when you first came in from the cold. “Then yeah, I’m alright with it.” 

“Oh, yes,” Sirius teases, “an afternoon spent enjoying coffee and pastries with the three most fetching people on the continent. I should really rethink this, it may be too inconvenient.” 

“Prick.” James elbows him and leans over to wrap an arm around you protectively, but your smile blooms, and that’s all Sirius wanted in the end.

[onlyangel4]

life of pain. LL30. part one. smau + written.

liam lawson x chronically ill reader

reader has dealt with pain for as long as she can remember but what she did not respect was for her pain to be the reason she met her soulmate.

author's note: i shall be writing this from experience so reader suffers from elher's danlos syndrome, chronic pain syndrome and chronic fatigue syndrome. but if you have a different chronic illness please do imagine it as that

faceclaim: kristine froseth

part two

y/ninsta posted a story

written: think i just won daughter of the year

y/ninsta posted a story

written: pj day

y/bff replied to this story: are you alright y/n you only wear pjs all day when it is a tough day

y/ninsta: i'm okay just been suffering the past week

y/bff: aren't you going to vegas soon

y/ninsta: fly out tomorrow

y/bff: just be safe okay love don't push yourself too far

y/ninsta posted a story

written: can't wait to celebrate you this weekend, love you dad

y/ninsta posted a story

written: fit check

y/ninsta posted a story

written: finally here

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"great more walking", you whispered under your breath as you tucked your phone back into your handbag. this was not your dad's fault, he had no idea that you had hardly gotten out of bed all week and now you were in las vegas pushing your body to do things that it really did not want to do. your lids were already heavy, ready for bed and it was barely 9pm, a feeling that you were used to but would never feel normal.

you had decided that you wanted to get good pictures from this trip, so you had only packed heels, a cruel way of forcing your pained body to wear the fashionable shoe rather than slipping into your good old faithful worn out sneakers.

slowly weaving through the crowd you made sure to keep your head up and not slump shoulders, a way of making sure the shooting pain in your shoulder didn't get worse. but as you walked your eyes looked up to see a large group of people walking towards you, they already looked drunk. fucking brilliant.

you just continued to walk forward feigning importance with each step but even then you got shoved by one of the men. your brow furrowed, no one got to disrespect you like that. you turned to get a look at the man who had shoved you and give him a piece of your mind but you quickly regretted that choice.

you twisted badly on your right near and as you were in heels there was no stopping your right knee from dislocating. something that happens all the time but does not get any less painful. your joint quickly popped out of place and then back in but the damage was done as a yelp left your lips and you crumbled down to the floor.

the people in the paddock were too preoccupied with the excitement that comes with attending a formula one race that they just did not notice you on a crumpled heap on the ground hand grasping your knee just to make sure that it was properly back in place.

you were getting yourself ready to stand back up all by yourself when you noticed a blonde man with his eyes looked on you making a beeline towards you. "shit are you alright, you took quite a spill there", he spoke and your brain registered the accent instantly. "i'm okay i do stupid stuff like this all the time", you spoke and the man gave you a gentle smile, "what exactly happened that looked a little more than a small fall?"

"my dislocated", you spoke seeing the usual horror spread on his face.

"shit do i need to call an ambulance"

"no, like i said this happens all the time"

the man looked at you with pure concern on his face, you could practically see the cogs turning in his head as he tried to work you out.

"i have elhers danlos, you probably have never heard of it but it just means my joints like to dislocate all the time"

prince charming slowly nodded, "okay lets get you up and then i can help you find your friends"

"i'm here with my dad, he text me saying he was in the williams garage. i was trying to find him"

"okay i'll help you find him", he spoke before wrapping his arm around your waist.

"if you are going to touch me like that i better know your name mister", you teased as you heaved yourself up into a standing position.

the man looked a little taken back by your question almost like you should have known who he was, "i'm liam", he smiled

"nice to to meet you liam, i'm y/n", you spoke before beginning the walk with him, his arm still around your waist, just helping you keep your balance as you hobbled over towards the williams garage.

the walk to the garage was really nice, liam was asking you all sorts of questions like where you were from and what your medical condition really meant for you. you yapped on about your life, enjoying the man's company as you got to the williams garage.

your father was stood outside eyes searching for you but when he spotted you and your company his mouth opened wider, "Oh y/n", he called out as you and liam approached him.

"you worried me girl, did something happen", he spoke still side eyeing liam making you quirk an eyebrow.

"i'm okay, my knee dislocated, i'm fine though", you spoke knowing how worried your father got sometimes.

but your father was a little more focused on the man next to you, "liam", he spoke, "it is lovely to meet you", he smiled and you frowned a little, how did your father know liam?

"i am very happy to see you back in f1, you drive brilliantly"< your father spoke and you gasped.

"shit, you are liam lawson, the new rb driver", you spoke turning to him, "i am so sorry i didn't recognise you, i am a casual f1 fan, my dad here is the real superfan", you explained to the man rambling on a little bit.

"that is okay y/n it was kind of refreshing to meet someone that doesn't know who i am", he spoke kindly, "i'm going to have to head back over to the garage for some media bits but i was wondering if i could have your number. i could hustle you two seats in the rb garage for the race", he spoke, "it will a lot safer there for you", he smiled.

your father was looking at you two starstruck and you just nodded, "of course", you spoke before he gave you his phone and you plugged your number in, "thank you for helping me liam", you spoke before waving him goodbye.

he left you stood there stunned as your father asked you ever question under the sun about your interaction with the driver.

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[wheelie-sick]

Basic dislocation/subluxation first aid

Keep in mind I am not a doctor, this is information I've gathered from medical sources and personal experience. I've done my best to link sources.

Some vocabulary first:

Dislocation - A bone is out of place to the extent that the bones are no longer touching

Subluxation - A bone is partially out of place but still touching the other bone

Dangers

When dealing with frequent dislocations and subluxations it's important to note that dislocating some joints is more dangerous than dislocating other joints. While all dislocations are medical emergencies some people choose not to go to the hospital for all dislocations and subluxations they experience however there are some that absolutely require emergency attention. In particular:

Vertebrae - Dislocating or subluxating a vertebra will cause a spinal cord injury. It's important that you seek emergency care to evaluate the extent of the damage and prevent further damage as severing your spinal cord completely can be fatal.

Collarbone - If your collarbone dislocates inwards it's important to seek emergency care to prevent further damage. A dislocated collarbone can cause life threatening problems with breathing and blood flow.

Knee - If your knee (not kneecap) dislocates it's important to seek emergency care as up to 40% of knee dislocations cause vascular injury that can threaten the entire limb if untreated

And while not all dislocations and subluxations are life or limb threatening all will damage your soft tissues in the surrounding area. A joint popping out of place is bludgeoning in all the surrounding structures in the process. That's why it's important to take care of your dislocations and subluxations correctly.

Improperly healing a dislocation or subluxation also poses its own risks. When dislocations and subluxations first happen the tissues holding the joint in are damaged making it easier to dislocate/subluxate a joint again. Not allowing these tissues to heal poses risk of additional dislocations and subluxations and can create a vicious cycle of tissue damage.

Reduction (Relocation)

Jaw

Vertebra - Go to the ER

Collarbone - Requires medical assistance

Shoulder

Elbow

Finger

Hip

Knee

Kneecap

Ankle

Toe

There were no available guides on reduction for wrists and ribs

What to do following a dislocation/subluxation

Reduce the joint

Apply a brace or splint to the joint. This brace will need to stay on for several weeks-months to allow the soft tissues to heal. This brace is more than a day-long commitment. Bracing is important because it stabilizes the joint while soft tissues heal and prevents further dislocations/subluxations.

Take weight off of the joint/avoid using the joint for 1-2 weeks. When people have been dealing with chronic pain it's easy to try to continue using a recently dislocated/subluxated joint. That joint needs time to heal and that healing will only happen with rest.

-> "I dislocate/subluxate joints so frequently that I cannot possibly do this"

I would make sure that what you're experiencing are actually dislocations/subluxations. A lot of people with disorders that cause subluxations/dislocations mistake ligaments and tendons popping for subluxations and mistake subluxations for dislocations. This causes people to think they are subluxating/dislocating many more joints than they actually are.

If you are truly experiencing that many dislocations/subluxations I would strongly recommend speaking to an orthopedist to discuss bracing and/or surgery for your joints.

If you aren't able to see an orthopedist it's still worth trying the above steps to the best of your ability.

[hopefulromances]

Yes, Chef - Jamie Tartt

Word Count: 1.4k

Summary: Reader wakes up with a chronic pain flare up. Jamie just wants to help her.

A/N: Someone once told me to write for me so.... here's something. Wanted to write something for fellow chronic pain/disabled girlies!!!!

OoooO

I woke up and knew it was going to be a bad day. I could feel it in my joints, pain. Just aching pain in my knees and hips, spreading around my muscles like static. I reached over to find Jamie, to find something to cling to but he was gone. Right, early morning training. He wasn’t home. He wouldn’t be home for hours. 

I settled myself to get up and get to the couch. At least there I could be near the kitchen to grab food and be near the TV. Jamie would usually want me to call him or text him to tell him it was a bad day but I didn’t want to bother him. It was embarrassing being me. The girl with the invisible disability who woke up some days and could barely walk with the star striker of one of the best teams in the premier league. How could he settle for that?

Despite my worries, Jamie constantly reassured me that it didn’t matter. That it was irrelevant to our lives that my joints hurt all the time for no reason, preventing me from going on walks, exercising, or even standing up sometimes. On those days he would just pick me up, like it was nothing, and carry me wherever I wanted to go. 

But he wasn’t here today, and I didn’t want to be a nuisance to him, so I would make do, like I had for years. Before I met Jamie and I had just started living on my own, I couldn’t afford treatment or care so I learned how to survive. I’d done it for months then, I could last one day without Jamie here. 

I could feel it as I walked down the stairs. The ache in my knees, popping and stretching with each step. It felt like my joints were made of styrofoam, creaking and screaming threatening to snap with each movement I made. I could feel it in my hips as well. A warm aching pain that spread to my back, making even standing feel difficult. I flopped onto the couch, finally, feeling instant relief from being off my feet. I took a deep breath, it was going to be a long time.

Jamie arrived around 5 that afternoon. I hopped up off the couch, regretting it almost immediately, but I managed to hide my wince as I walked over to him. 

“Hi Jamie,” I greeted, cheerfully smiling. 

 “Hey, babe.” He wrapped an arm around me and planted a kiss on my head before walking off towards the kitchen. “D’you wanna cook somethin’ for dinner?”

I started my walk towards the kitchen, walking stiffly but trying not to show it. “Sure! We can make pasta? We have your weird, zoodles, or whatever.” 

“You alright?” He checked, looking me up and down. 

“Yeah, fine!” I brushed him off, walking over to the refrigerator to start pulling out ingredients. “Want to start boiling some water?”

Jamie’s eyes remained on me, watching my every movement. Fuck, I was trying so hard not to step to hard on my knee, knowing he’d be able to tell it was bothering me. 

“Y/N, stop,” He commanded, coming over to shut the refrigerator. “Jus’ stop.”

“Jamie, I’m fine,” I insisted, trying to duck away from him. I reached for the refrigerator door handle but he stepped in front of me, crossing his arms. 

I rolled my neck, letting out a huff. He stared down at me but I refused to meet his eyes, leaning back against the island behind me. We stood there in silence, Jamie waiting for me to crack but I was unyielding. He didn’t get it. He couldn’t get it. 

“Y/N,” he started again. “I just don’t understand why-”

“Exactly, you don’t understand,” I snapped. My voice betrayed me, daring to crack and show my emotion. “So please, just let me do this.”

“You’re in pain!”

“Yes, Jamie! I’m always in pain,” I cried. I hated the way my eyes flooded with tears when I was angry. I hated the way my voice wavered and deepened with the ball growing in my throat. “Every fucking day I wake up and I’m in pain.” 

This was what I was trying to avoid, the truth of my chronic pain that is so hard to describe to other people that just don’t understand. But Jamie just looked at me, his eyebrows furrowed as he waited for me to continue. 

“Jamie…”

“No, please,” He nodded, genuine. “Explain it to me. I want to understand.”

I took a breath and chewing on my bottom lip. My eyes darted back and forth as I figured out exactly what I was going to say. 

“It’s like I look in the mirror and I think I should be able to do all these things,” I explain, trying to put into words the feeling in my body. “But then I can't, or I can but it really hurts and I’m exhausted afterwards. And it’s the most frustrating thing in the world. Like I want to rip my hair out of my head.” 

“I see you and everything you can do and it’s so amazing. But I feel soooo… inadequate sometimes. Like I can’t walk up the stairs without my knees aching but you… you can do so much more. And yeah today it’s bad. I spent the whole day on the couch. But now you’re home and I just want to cook with you. I just want to be able to do one thing without feeling so… useless.” 

Jamie pursed his lips. I could see the cogs turning in his head as he processed what I said. I was afraid if I looked too hard you could see smoke coming out of his ears. Then he walked away. I ran a hand over my face, scrambling to save this. 

“Jamie, wait, this isn’t about you, it’s not your– what are you doing?”

Jamie walked over to the counter and grabbed one of our tall bar chairs and brought it over to the island. 

“Sit,” he instructed. I frowned but he just pointed before repeating. “Sit.” 

I pouted and sat in the chair. Jamie moved quietly, grabbing ingredients out of the fridge in front of me. This had to be a sick joke. He was really going to make me sit there, watching him move and cook when I just told him that’s what I wanted to do. 

He grabbed the cutting board and placed it in front of me. Then he placed the tomatoes, garlic, and other ingredients in front of me as well. 

“Chop,” he directed me, motioning to the food and utensils. I looked down and realized what he was doing. I hesitated and Jamie let out a sign and turned my chair towards him. “Y/N.”

I looked up at him with big eyes and he chuckled, bringing his fingers to my chin, shaking my head slightly. 

“You’re not useless,” he insisted, rubbing his thumb over my chin. “You are stubborn as hell though.” I breathed out a laugh, letting the corner of my lips turn slightly. He sighed, sliding his hands down so they were on the chair on either side of my hips. “Y’know, maybe I could help you. You ever think of that in his big brain of yours?” 

He knocked his forehead against might, lightly. 

“You’re not inadequate, or a burden, or any of those other awful things that I know are rolling around in your head,” he continued. “It hurts me to know that you’re in pain and I’m sorry if I’m overbearing. But can we work together on this? Yeah? Figure out ways for you to be involved and do the things you wanna do. But in a way that doesn’t hurt you so much.” He pushed back some hair from my face, cradling my head in his hand. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I squeaked out, kissing his palm. 

He smiled at me, pulling me into a sweet kiss. I sighed into the kiss, relishing the slight pressure that his lips pressed onto mine, filling even the shortest of kisses with so much love.  

“Alright, now these tomatoes aren’t going to cut themselves,” he ordered, pointing to the cutting board. “Let me get my zoodles ready.” 

And he walked off. How could he do that? How could he kiss me and take my breath away and just walk off like it was nothing. I smiled as he went back to his normal routine, starting to ramble about training and the number of suicides that Roy had him run. I started chopping and chatting along. It wasn’t much, but just knowing that he heard me and – at least on some level – understood me, made my heart soar. 

[noodlesoup1819]

Day 5: Chronic Illness - Sigma with endometriosis

(Cw: periods / menstruation, panic attack, throw-up)

(Read on Ao3)

For some naïve reason, Sigma thought this would stop once he joined the agency.

He had woken up multiple times in the middle of the night, lightheaded, nauseous, and hurting. He had probably only gotten a few hours sleep total and what he did get was restless and uncomfortable.

This wasn’t an entirely uncommon occurrence for him. 

Sigma might only have a few years’ worth of memory, but for its entirety, he’d felt like this. Nausea and headaches. Bone deep fatigue. Joint pain and body aches. Not to mention the sensation Sigma can only describe as someone trying to chip off pieces of his hip bones as they stabbed at his organs…

Not pleasant. To put it lightly.

Regardless of how unpleasant it is, it’s how it’s always been.

Dos-kun had once explained that stress could exacerbate the symptoms of periods. And both the desert and the sky casino and everything that followed were nothing but stressful. He also told him that all periods hurt. Sigma often spent time gazing at the women he knew wondering how they did it.

While the agency was no where near stress-free, it was still leagues better that anything he’d had previous. He’d only been there a couple weeks, but…he’d still expected things to get better.

Nonetheless, Sigma had a job to do and he prided himself on doing his job well, no matter if that was the casino or here at the agency. In fact, Kunikida-san often praised his exceptional work ethic and Sigma had no intention of messing that up regardless of how he felt.

Popping a few Tylenols, Sigma finished getting dressed and headed out the door. If he was lucky, he’d have enough time to stop in the café and get a coffee and something for breakfast before he needed to head upstairs to work.

-----

With caffeine to dull his headache and a small muffin in his stomach, he’d felt a little better all morning. The Tylenol was doing it’s job and while the pain in his abdomen wasn’t exactly comfortable, he was able to go through his daily morning routine of checking his emails, filling out mission reports, and assisting the office staff with anything they asked. He’d even managed a small mission with Kenji.

But by the time the two were heading back at close to lunch time, the sharp pains in his hips and lower stomach were becoming unbearable again. It was hard to keep walking without folding over and his nausea was building quickly. As soon as the two got back to the agency, Sigma excused himself to collapse onto the floor and heave into one of the toilets in the agency’s bathroom.

“—Sigma-kun~? Are you in need of my assistance? I’d be happy to help if you’ve gotten hurt on your mission~” Yosano-sensei’s voice traveled through the door. If Sigma was honest with himself, she still scared him a little.

“No, no. Don’t worry about it. I’m alright.” Sigma called back.

“Really? Because Kenji-kun said you looked like you were in pain when the two of you got back. And I’d be happy to fix you up~.”

Getting up and rinsing his mouth out, Sigma tried to make himself as presentable as possible before opening the door. “I’m alright, Yosano-sensei,” Sigma said, trying not to grimace at the pain, “I’m not injured. And besides, I don’t think your ability would help with this anyway.”

Yosano seemed skeptical. “You sure? You’re doing a pretty terrible job of hiding the fact that you’re in pain. And what is ‘this’ anyway?”

“I’m just on my period,” Sigma sighed. “This just happens sometimes.”

“Your period is causing this? And this is frequent?” Yosano seemed concerned. “Have you ever been to a doctor about it?”

“No?... I thought that it was normal for periods to hurt?” Was that not true?

“Sigma,” Yosano started, “periods are not supposed to hurt. They can be uncomfortable, sure, but they are not supposed to cause you debilitating pain. They are not supposed to make you so sick to your stomach that you have to heave in your work’s bathroom.”

“But… I was always told…” …By Fyodor. He was told all those things by Fyodor. The person who lied and manipulated more than Dazai. The person that lied about a whole world war and used it to manipulate someone revered as a hero into a weapon of destruction. He told him that it was normal. That that was what was supposed to happen. What an idiot he was for believing that load of crap.

If it wasn’t normal, what about him was. He doesn’t have a family or a home. He doesn’t even have a place where he was born and then tossed away. He was written down on a special piece of paper and then thrust into being a pawn for everyone he’s ever met since. He doesn’t have an ideal type or romantic fantasy. He doesn’t have a strong gender identity. And now, the one thing he thought was at least somewhat normal, isn’t either. Does he even count as human at this point?

“—Sigma! Breathe!” Yosano’s voice cut through his thoughts.

Was he not breathing? No? He was breathing too much? His chest hurt and his body hurt and he can’t breathe. Is he dying?

Something grabbed his hand. “Sigma follow my breathing. You’re okay. You’re fine.” Sigma doesn’t think he’s ever heard Yosano’s voice be so comforting. As he followed her instructions breathing got a little easier again.

“Sorry—I just…”

“Sigma, it’s okay. Let’s start from the beginning, alright?”

------

After that day with Yosano-sensei, things got better.

 She gave him some stronger painkillers and nausea meds and sat him down to explain things. He learned what was normal and what wasn’t.

He learned that periods usually only last 5-7 days once a month instead of the almost 9 days twice a month he was experiencing. He learned that periods usually cause cramping and could cause other things but were all things that should be managed (as in taken care of completely!!) with over-the-counter meds. He should not throw up or feel like passing out.

But, as much as he learned what was different, he learned what was normal about him. He learned that he was aroace and that lots of people didn’t experience romantic or sexual attraction. He’d even learned that Ranpo was aromantic! And he learned the word agender. Something that described his experience with gender completely.

He’d felt…whole. Like he was a whole person. Like he was normal. Like there was hope for things to get a bit better.

He’d started playing with different ways to express himself. He was diagnosed with something called endometriosis and Yosano-sensei worked to find meds that helped him. Even though they didn’t stop things completely, his flare-ups had become manageable.

The agency had been really accommodating too. It’s become common to see Sigma cozied up on the agency couch with a heating pad and his laptop on worse days. The president said he could take the day off on those days if he wanted to, but he liked being at the agency.

“—Ku-ni-ki-da-kun~ Sigma-chan looks so lonely sitting all alone on the couch! It’s my duty as a member of the armed detective agency to make sure all our members are taken care of! You should let me go join them!”

That was a new development, too. Being invited into Dazai and Chuuya’s weird situationship has been interesting to say the least. Even though she doesn’t experience romantic or sexual attraction, they’ve grown fond of the two of them and their relationship worked well.

“I can guarantee that Sigma is not lonely the all of seven feet away that he is. And Sigma actually completes their work when she’s on the couch! You’d just use it as an excuse to nap all day!”

“He’s right, Dazai,” Sigma interjected before the two could start actually fighting. “I’m fine. I’m a bit ahead actually. We can head home a bit early if you get your paperwork done.”

Yeah… that sounded nice. Heading home early to spend the evening in with both his partners. Chuuya would probably prepare a nice bath and he could relax as much as they could. Flare-up’s weren’t pleasant, but between her concoction of meds, the agency, and her partners, they were bearable.

“Hmph. Fiiiiiine. But only because Kunikida-kun will let us leave early if I do.”

“Sigma. You’re a godsend. Please never quit the agency, please.”

Yeah… Things were pretty alright.

[amloveabledeathmo]

Doctors need to actually listen.

I am really fucking sick of dealing with medical professionals around here. At the beginning of the year I was referred to a rheumatologist to try to figure out the cause of the chronic pain, it has taken at least 3 years of telling my primary about the constant pain to even get the damn referral.

The Rheumatologist gave me a huge list of like 14 different blood tests to get done at a lab, my veins are difficult so I like to go to the same lab because they have been far and away the best at causing the least amount of bruising and pain, so I always ask if I can get blood work done at my preferred lab. They said yeah gave me the paper with the lab orders.

I went that week and got it all done. 2 months later they call a few hours before my appointment time to ask if I ever got the blood work done. It's good they called because the appointment was for telehealth which they absolutely did not inform me it was going to be a telehealth and not in person. Anyway they claimed to have not received any results, call the lab, yes the lab sent them to the office months ago when I got the tests done. Turns out, according to the rheumatologist, the codes must have been wrong because they didn't get any results for the tests they needed and that was the whole appointment. They said they'd fix the codes and I could drive over an hour one way to pick them up or they could email them. So I confirmed my email, waited a few days, nothing, texted them since that's what they always want, nothing, called, nothing, retexted, nothing. So I've been ghosted by the dr apparently.

Had a primary dr appointment and got referred to a pain clinic. Got an appointment immediately basically, probably should have made me more suspicious. Had a 30 minute phone call to do all the stupid intake questions and what not before the appt. Get there and what the fuck do I have to try to fill out? The same DAMN questions! They kept asking for my pain on the pain scale, and would not let me say the pain scale is much to arbitrary and impossible to actually answer.

They then asked where the pain was, which I already had said was everywhere. NO they insisted Where's the MOST pain and just so you know we specialize in joints so which joint is the worst. There is not a consistent most pain, it depends on how I've been moving, what's popped painfully the most recent, so I said I guess shoulders, wrists, and ankles. Oh no still wrong, I had to choose ONE, one single joint. So I said the previously broken ankle. They finally moved on from joints just to question if I've had a sleep study and do I stop breathing at night. No I cannot deal with stuff touching my face. So they harped on about sleep studies for a while.

They asked if I had any diagnosis for the pain which I had already told the intake person all about the rheumatologist bullshit and had to retell them who then said oh well let us know when they give you a diagnosis because that will change the way we treat the pain. Then proceeded to tell me that most pain is caused because people need physical therapy, need to exercise, and need to cut out any animal products in their diet.

This was after I said that I have gotten less and less active because of the pain. I am in pain at all times. I can't even sleep through the night because there is not a completely pain free position for me, I have to rotisserie all night. I said I swim some but this year even swimming hurts. THIS MOTHERFUCKER then goes on and on about how swimming CANNOT hurt because there is no pressure on the joints and I need to go to a swim physical therapy because of course I'm in pain since I'm not exercising.

Which I don't do because I can't even go shopping anymore! I told them this. That just going shopping and walking around for like an hour can make me basically unable to move the next day because of so much pain. Well that doesn't matter because if I would just cut out all animal products and exercise I would be better. We also discussed how I am basically resistant to pain meds and just most meds in general too. Oh but don't worry I'll send in a prescription for some inflammation meds at the lowest possible dose and it might help you sleep too!

Oh he also said he saw that I was a patient of the dr who did my hysterectomy and that he had prescribed pain meds to help me. NO YOU GODDAMN MORON! HE PRESCRIBED THE PAIN MEDS BECAUSE I HAD A VERY PAINFUL SURGERY!

THEY JUST DO NOT LISTEN AND I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT!

[my-gender-is-void]

Hello chronic conditions side of Tumblr.

I've been experiencing many symptoms for a very long while (technically all my life but obviously I didn't start paying attention until I was like 12-13) and I don't want to self diagnose but I do know it might be a key part of getting a formal diagnosis, I'm going to list the main symptoms and tell you what I through my research and various legit symptom checkers have concluded I might have.

I am hyper mobile, the orthopaedic told me that when I was like 5 but I never got a formal diagnosis because my parents didn't think it was relevant, however to this day my hip does something weird sometimes when I walk and then hurts afterwards and I have to overstretch it so it stops hurting as much, all of my articulations pop, I've had chronic low back pain since I was like 9 and back pain in general since I was 11, my injuries have a thought time scarring and they scar badly, my hands and feet are generally cold and peripheral blood circulation is kind of a mess, my skin is sensitive and reactive and I get cuts on the less damaging things ever, I have a propensity for bruising and they take a long time to reabsorbe, my pinky and ring finger get numb and tingly when I hold certain stuff (carpal tunnel is on the other 3 fingers I checked), my legs go numb often, sometimes my muscles just feel weak and I'm scared to pick up stuff in case they stop responding. I have a propensity for all kinds of headaches, my gums are also sensitive, I tend to be constipated no matter how much fiber I eat (and yes even if I eat lactose being lactose intolerant I'm still constipated, I just bloat), I have a heat intolerance (I even get rashes if it's too hot out).

I forgot but my ribs feel like they shift when I lay on my side and a couple of times I've had people horrified at something a joint of mine could do (generally my shoulder) and I quite frankly think I almost popped my shoulder out in one of those.

I'm also hypotensive and have a propensity to tachycardia and dizzy spells (or that thing where your vision gets black around the edges) when I stand up and when I do exercise (it doesn't happen when I walk, no matter how fast I do it) and when I exercise I have to stop even if my body doesn't feel tired because I feel like my heart rate is too high but I get cold sweat and shaky hands like it happens when I'm going to pass out. Which I might add I get those symptoms even just sitting sometimes and I have to lay down on the floor or sit with my head between my knees.

I live in a constant state of fatigue no matter how happy I feel, how well I eat or how much I sleep, which I also struggle with sleeping. And the brain fog makes it hard to concentrate.

That fatigue includes my body feeling heavy for no reason at all and being like a zombie all day struggling to even do stuff I want or hang out with friends most days.

The research I first did was regarding the whole hypotension, tachycardia, sport/rest/standing up dizziness fainting thing and honestly every conclusion lead me to POTS as the most likely condition.

That sent me into a rabbit hole of trying to find where the other symptoms where coming from, my search on hypermobility lead me to EDS, particularly H-EDS and honestly I must say a lot of things would make sense but I don't want to self diagnose so what do you guys who suffer any of this conditions have to say? Should I see a professional and just ramble all if my symptoms and see if that gets me somewhere?, or do I have enough of a valid basis to go to a doctor and tell them I suspect I might be suffering from POTS and maybe H-EDS?

Keep in mind I'm from Spain and I can tell you most if not all of the primary care doctors I've gone to have shrugged off all of my symptoms once they checked my heart worked properly in general, they don't even care that I have passed out from low blood pressure during blood draws and have even had convulsions twice after fainting, that and my sensitivity to anesthetics, fuckers just said "you're probably just tired because you're a high school/college/master's degree student", I've gone a fair amount of times since I was 16 and they never check it's always a "maybe it's your period", "maybe you're anemic" (I'm not, my reserves are a bit low but not enough to be considered a deficiency to treat), my blood tests come back well so they couldn't care less, my body weight sits in it's normal range (thankfully, because otherwise I know a good chunk of them would just point to my weight and my period).

Thing is, because I keep overworking myself due to my family situation and I was gifted and I guess that kind of transferred a bit to college, I've finished a degree and I'm on my way to my 3rd master's degree this academic year, and honestly I probably don't complain about the level of pain and tiredness I'm in enough because a) my mother would try to instantly blame it on weight or Physical activity or even just food itself (she's one of those everything you eat is bad, white carbs are the devil incarnate types of person) and I already had an ed for years due to her

b)when I complain about the fatigue my mother tries to one up me and everyone else just advices me to do more sports, spend time with family (no thanks), blame my sleep pattern even though the fatigue is purely physical, tell me I'm over exaggerating or over complaining and that I used to handle pain better as a child (she yelled at me when I complained and told me I couldn't be that tired because I was too young)

I'm going to tell you some more things about me as a child I just now remember my mother complained about: every school day I came complaining that the soles of my feet hurt and my palms too (particularly the right one since I'm right handed) and they'd turn out to be distended. My skin was even more reactive, I was so tired and borderline translucent even when they made me spend all summers at the beach that they took me to the cardiologist several times to check if I had a heart condition and It was working just fine, I experienced headaches almost daily, my immune system was an absolute disgrace, I refused to grip the pencil (scissors and other tools) right because it hurt my fingers, I was always coming home with bruises and injuries that were too extreme for what they would've been for my brother and to reiterate I started complaining about back ache at around 9 years old and of fatigue at 11, and even then me being seemingly constantly tired granted me a couple visits to a doctor to check for leukemia or heart conditions.

I need opinions and people to tell me if there are other conditions I should be researching or if I should just go ahead with the ones I have.

[localsamalicer]

Is there a specific reason you draw Gwen with a cane or is it just the vibes you got from her?

Thank you for asking!!!

I hc Gwen with Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, therefore she has uses a mobility aid (I chose to give her a cane mostly) at times and she has some tape on her wrists arms to help with mobility/ pain there too! (Altho understandably I think it gets mistaken as a sleeve pattern/design a lot oops) Sometimes I will give her ring splints, I can’t imagine typing away at a computer all day is good for anyone’s joints but that’s stubborn Gwen for ya

Tbh I forgot what gave me the idea exactly in the first place -probably just popped into my head randomly tbh- but once it did it stuck with me.

I personally am not diagnosed with a disability or any chronic pain that affects my mobility so it wasn’t me giving her something I have, and while I have been doing research I don’t have a large wealth of knowledge so I am still very much still learning about EDS / hEDS / Hypermobility. I am trying my best tho and will admit I am not the most knowledgeable and best for creating representation for such an aspect of a person!

On a tangent, I had given Elias a cane a while ago (not with the thought of it being a genuine mobility aid at first) and think now adays that if they shared something like that, even if they end up not being blood related somehow in TMAGP universe , it would be something interesting to tie them together.

Along with some rep it also just opens the door to deepen the perspective of the struggles and perseverance of these Bouchards n their lore to me and it felt right at home with them.

May or may not have a couple of ideas for some character relationship development moments through this, as well as some funny moments. As I learn I will probably come up with an even more well rounded understanding as well as as the series develops, and I cannot wait for it!

I have been kinda waiting for a chance to yap about this thank you so much!! Sorry it turned into ramblings that probably only make sense in my little pea brain haha

[caroline-writes]

Chapter 3: Loyalty

Thursday was a bad day; Violet had decided that it was bad before she even opened her eyes. It was definitely going to suck because all her joints protested quite vehemently whenever she even dared to move. She closed her eyes against the pain and scrunched up her face before forcing herself into a sitting position. It was only her second day at Tyrrendor she couldn’t miss work so early into her probation – her probation which Fen had never actually given an end date for, as far as she was aware he could perpetually keep her on probation.  

Violet reached for the glass of water and the pain killers which lived on her bedside table, her hands shook as she took two tablets and swallowed them with three large gulps of water. Tairn jumped up onto the bed and tried to nudge her back into a horizontal position and while she would have loved nothing more than to go back to bed that simply was not on the cards for her today.  

“Sorry boy,” she said pushing him off, the effort required to do that caused her wrist to pop and click in all manner of unhealthy ways, “we’ve got to get up. Rhiannon is meeting us for coffee and then we have to go prove our loyalty to the man that my mother hates most in the world.” Violet cupped Tairn’s face and pressed her forehead against his, she was rewarded with a hesitant lick. “I love you too.” she told him pressing a kiss to his forehead before moving to get up, the effort of moving caused her whole world to spin, she steadied herself with a few breaths before pushing up off the bed and towards a cold shower, cold because she wasn’t sure that her head could cope with the steam of a hot one and the last thing she needed was to collapse in her shower.  

-  

“You look like shit.” Rhiannon Matthias greeted her best friend with a grimace. Violet had already sat herself down in the coffee shop and she was seriously beginning to doubt her ability to actually stand up again, “No seriously, you’re actually turning green while I’m looking at you. Bad flare?” her tone became sympathetic as she looked at Violet critically.  

“I’m trying very hard to ignore it.” Violet replied, one of her hands rested on the table but was clenched tight her knuckles were white with the strain.  

Rhiannon shook her head, “You know chronic illnesses don’t go away when you ignore them.”  

Violet resisted the urge to roll her eyes, “Have I ever told you that I hate you.” she replied in a deadpan tone.  

Rhi smiled wide, “Once or twice, but you always come crawling back to me, so I must be doing something right. Have you considered texting your hot neighbour who also happens to work at your new job to ask for help?”  

“He has a name, Rhi. And no, he barely knows me and the first time we met I was almost unconscious I’m not asking him for help again if I can help it.” She knew telling Rhi about that whole situation had been a mistake.  

“Maybe I should walk you to the door, then at least I’ll know you won’t collapse in front of some total strangers again and embarrass yourself...again.” Rhiannon suggested partly due to concern and partly because she wasn’t sure she believed that Violet really worried at Tyrrendor now.  

“Normally I would tell you to go fuck yourself...but today I feel especially rough so I’ll allow it.” Rhi’s eyes lit up excitedly, “You can’t come in though. They have a very strict no Navarre employees policy.”  

Rhi laughed, “How did you even get through the door? Surely your family ties alone should’ve stopped you from crossing the threshold.”  

“I’m not a vampire Rhi.” Violet said with a shake of her head.  

Violet allowed Rhiannon to slip an arm through hers as they walked together, she would never admit to how much she appreciated the support and Rhi would never tell how much of Violet’s weight she actually supported. As they reached the large glass fronted building Violet stood a little straighter and pulled in a deep breath.  

“It's a rather imposing building.” Rhi commented still holding onto Violet’s arm. “Lots of glass.”  

“Do you want to come to my neighbour’s house warming party on Friday?” Vi blurted out suddenly self-conscious, “I won’t know anyone else and I’m sure I’ll be an outsider and...okay I’m scared.”  

“I...I’m seeing Tara on Friday, but I can push-”  

“No, no. I’ll...work it out. Enjoy your evening with Tara. Forget I asked. We’ll have another coffee date soon.” Vi grinned gave Rhiannon a hug before moving away towards the glass fronted building.  

-  

Violet’s cubical was in a corner, no window, with her back to the rest of the room. It made for poor sight lines to the rest of the office and also meant that while she couldn’t see others, they could definitely see her. She had jumped more than a few times as people had either spoken to her or placed files on her desk.  

“Hey, oh sorry.” Liam had approached from behind and greeted her with what he had thought was a gentle and friendly tone, Violet had been about to take a sip of some coffee and had subsequently jumped and spilled it all down her shirt.  

It was still hot, it was boiling hot, “Ow, fuck, ow.” Violet swore as she flinched, she hissed in pain again as her joints protested at the sudden unexpected movement. This Thursday well and truly sucked.  

“Liam don’t scare the new girl to death.” Violet looked up at a mountain of a man, she had yet to be formally introduced but she had heard someone call him Tavis which she assumed was a surname.  

Liam looked down at her now coffee-stained shirt, “I was just going to say that we have a team meeting in 5...do you have a spare?” she sighed and shook her head, she was sure that under her shirt now would be an angry red mark, she just hoped that it didn’t blister, another symptom of her illness was extremely sensitive skin, she bruised like a peach.  

“I have a jumper I can put on over it. Thanks for the heads up I guess.” She grimaced before introducing herself to the large man who had chastised Liam, “Hi, I’m-”  

“Violet Sorrengail, yes, we all know who you are. Quiet the acquisition you have been, Xaden said his dad wouldn’t stop talking about you after your meeting on Tuesday. Garrick Tavis, very nice to meet you. We should probably show you were to go.” He motioned for her to follow and tilted his head slightly when she didn’t immediately stand.  

“Sorry...I,” she paused knowing that if she stood too quickly Liam would have to pick her up off the floor again. Tairn nudged her leg slightly in warning, “I just need a moment. Having a bad day and the coffee has really topped it off.” Garrick looked down at her in confusion but he didn’t ask as she steadied herself for a moment after pulling the jumper over the coffee stain, the rapidly cooling liquid made for an unpleasant feeling against her skin. Tairn stood and followed as she walked on shaky legs a half step behind the tall men.  

The meeting room was already looking pretty full Violet realised with a jolt that she would be hard pressed to find a seat and the idea of needing to stand for any length of time made her feel sick. She followed Liam into a corner and propped herself deliberately against a wall hoping that it would provide her joints with a modicum of relief.  

Liam glanced over at her a grown wrinkling his brow, “You alright there?” he could tell that something was bothering her, “You aren’t about to faint, are you?” he asked her seriously.  

Violet exhaled a laugh, “I can’t promise that.” Her hand on Tairn’s lead was already starting shake, “I woke up this morning to a bad day and standing right now is probably not going to work-” she hadn’t finished explaining but Liam was moving away from her, she worried for a moment that she had simply bored the poor man into walking away. Talking about her chronic illness had bored a lot of people in her life before so she wouldn’t hold it against him if he had been bored, but it was so all encompassing for her that a lot of the time there was little else for her to talk about. She mentally kicked herself for misjudging the man before her as he returned carrying a chair, she stared at him for a moment before muttering her thanks and sinking gratefully into it.  

The buzz of talking quietened as Fen walked in followed by the most beautiful man Violet had ever seen, she knew him instantly, his image was often seen with his father in the news. Xaden Riorson was stunning, a mop of loose black curls atop his head, dark brooding eyes which scanned the room before settling for a moment on Violet. Something flashed in those eyes, confusion, anger, something deeper? She couldn’t be sure. Violet continued to study him, his well-muscled figure stood at his father’s right hand ever present and waiting.  

The meeting seemed to be a catch up for all involved, they talked numbers and progress and all manner of things until Fen’s gaze drifted to Violet and she had the awful feeling that she was about to be introduced to a room full of people, there was definitely the expectation that she would stand up for that introduction, she swallowed thickly and steadied her heartrate as she waited for Fen to speak.  

“Now, some of you may be aware that we have a new hire among us.” Eyes turned to Violet all of them intense and some felt more than a little hostile, “I want you to make her feel welcome. She has pledged to prove her loyalty to us and we are going to give her the grace to do just that.” his eyes fell on her once more and a small quirk of his eyebrow was the cue she needed to stand. She lifted a hand in greeting and watched as a few of the faces around her smiled, others held their barely contained resentment, “To those who don’t already know, this is, Violet” he paused, of course he did, it almost felt like he did so for dramatic effect, “Sorrengail. She is one of us now and will be treated as such.” there had definitely been a gasp when he’d said her second name, Violet’s gaze shifted to Xaden once more and she realised that during the entire introduction he had been staring at her. The intensity of his gaze burned her, she felt in that moment that she needed desperately to apologise for something, had she wronged him in some way? He looked like he was filled with unimaginable rage.  

With the meeting done people began to filter out, Violet stayed seated knowing that moving during the rush would only spell disaster for both herself and Tairn. As she bent down to collect Tairn’s lead a shadow blocked out the light, she glanced up at the imposing form of Xaden Riorson.  

“Hi,” Violet greeted standing up as slowly as she dared, she wished in that moment that she weren’t 5 foot nothing as she really had to look up at him, “I’m-”  

He smirked, “I know who you are. I just don’t know what you want.”  

She looked at him in confusion, “What I want?”  

He lifted an eyebrow, Violet noticed in that moment that a scar bisected it and continued down his cheek, “You must have some sort of ulterior motive to be here. I intend to figure you out.” he told her, she wondered if he had meant it as a threat but she couldn’t find it in her to feel intimidated, she held back a smile which caused him to frown, “What?”  

“Nothing, I just love it when I get to prove people wrong.” Okay she’d delivered the sassy line and now she just needed to gather the strength needed to walk out of the door. One foot in front of the other. Simple. It was a short walk back to her desk; she could make it. She gave a little push off the chair and Tairn was at her heel in an instant ready to go, Xaden turned slightly as he let her pass and Violet was sure that he had reached a finger out as she felt it ghost over her wrist.  

-  

ACCESS DENIED – the words blinked angrily at Violet on her computer screen. She had been trying to look at the sales information for one of the new medications she needed to file a report on, apparently, she wasn’t yet trusted with that information so she would need to report on it without that. She closed the file and began typing away. It was getting late, several people had already gone home, more people than yesterday had bid her goodbye which felt like a win.  

“You should go home,” a voice from behind her caused her to jump for about the fifteenth time that day, “you look exhausted and I think your dog is trying to tell you something. Xaden Riorson was just about the last person she expected to see and to hear a somewhat concerned tone was even more unexpected, out of the corner of her eye she saw Liam waiting a little way off and horror filled her as she realised, he must have told Xaden about their first meeting. Not looking weak was going really well.  

Tairn pushed his nose into her leg more insistently, he had been signalling for about half an hour but she had been ignoring him, “Ah,” she looked at the time, “he’s telling me that I’m late for my meds. And that I should probably go home.” she stifled a yawn as she hit save on her work and closed her laptop. Xaden watched her, clearly waiting for something, “Oh right, meds.” she pulled out a pill box from her bag and selected three which she swallowed with some cold coffee.  

“Liam will take you home.” Xaden stated leaving little room for argument, Violet would try to find some however.  

“I don’t-”  

Xaden had already turned away, “You do,” he told her as he reached Liam, “you live next door it would be foolish not to let him take you home.”  

“Does Liam get a say in this?” Violet asked as she shouldered her bag, she winced as the weight caused her shoulder to pop angrily. Xaden hadn’t stopped, his quiet arrogance carried him from the room clearly assuming that she would be doing as he had told her.  

Liam grinned, “Not usually, but really its fine. It makes sense.” he reached a hand out toward her, “Let me take that, you really do look like you’re about to pass out again. Let me get you home.” The stubborn knot which twisted in her stomach must’ve been visible on her face but she fought through it to hand Liam her bag and allowed him to lead her to the underground car park.  

“Do you do everything he tells you to?” Violet asked as she looked out the window at the bright lights of the city at night.  

“Well, he is my line manager...”  

Violet snorted in response, “You know that isn’t what I meant.”  

There was a pause and they fell into a comfortable silence before Liam spoke again, “I owe him a lot. He’s family to me. I think I would do anything for him.”  

Violet chewed on her lip considering his words, “Does he really think I’m some sort of spy?” she asked her eyes glued to the condensation which fogged the window.  

Liam let out an uneasy laugh, “I think a lot of people want to know why you came...corporate espionage could be a credible reason.”  

“I’d be the worst spy,” Violet mumbled, “I just want to help people. And if that means I can help me too then I’m going to do that.” She paused for a moment before clarifying, “I rely on quite a few of the medications that Tyrrendor produces.” Again, that need to explain herself to Liam, “I’d be grateful if you didn’t share with any more people how it is we first met.” she told him feeling vulnerable all of a sudden as she looked over at him for his reaction, she was pleased to see that he had winced.  

“Sorry about that, I told Xaden before I really knew who you were.” He pulled in a breath before adding, “I would never want you to feel embarrassed about that by the way. I’m all about helping people too.” Violet studied his side profile as he focused on the road ahead of them and knew that she believed him. Xaden seemed to have this man’s unquestioning loyalty and he seemed to be a good man, maybe Xaden wasn’t all that bad either.  

[alvie-pines]

hey, can anyone with fibromyalgia explain what it feels like to you? and/or how you realized you might have it? my grandma has fibro and im wondering if i do too...

i know i have chronic pain and exhaustion, mild joint problems, and very sensitive(?) skin. i have symptoms of cold urticaria (cold temperatures cause painful itchy red swelling, and a swollen throat that makes it painful or difficult to breathe) and i dont know if that might be related? im sensitive to temperatures in general, i think. heat drives me crazy and cold is physically painful.

i always attributed this to autism, but sometimes my clothes hurt. sheets too. like my skin is rubbed raw, except it isnt, i didnt do anything to cause that. i try to put up with it but sometimes i have to undress, or wear nothing but boxers and a very loose smooth shirt. it burns, it feels almost like a sunburn or something? i dont know, hard to describe.

i also get brief stabbing pains sometimes--not in my bones or muscles, like, skin-level. i can recognize bone or muscle pain (i have both, im double-jointed so my ribs and jaw pop out of place and it hurts, and i have a muscular injury that causes chronic pain). sometimes it keeps me from sleeping and thats the worst! (oh, and i have insomnia in general T-T)

the injury that caused my back pain was several years ago and didnt seem that serious at the time, and i have to wonder if its just that injury or if there are other factors.

i also have brain fog and ive heard that that can go hand in hand with fibro?

and with my fatigue, i can sleep 16 hours and still feel fucking exhausted. or 2 hours. still exhausted. 9 hours? exhausted. doesnt matter.

thats all i can think of right now but i can answer questions

i plan to talk to my doctor about this too, of course, but i want to hear from real people who actually have fibro as well

[imjustheretoseetheprivateblogs]

The Five Quotes Of Hotaru Tomoe

Something I wrote for K8tj17 for a Discord Secret Santa featuring Hotaru Tomoe. Posted today for her birthday. Hope everyone enjoys :)

Spongebob Squarepants

She supposed it was like something she’d heard off an episode of Spongebob Squarepants. “It all started when I was born.”

What started, they would probably ask.

Trouble, Hotaru would reply.

But then, that was a bit of an exaggeration.

In reality, it happened more around the time she was eight years old. She remembered the TV had been playing that night, giving a storm warning about severe unseasonal weather heading towards the Sankakusu District.

She’d paid it no mind at the time.

But considering how a bolt of lightning had struck their building and caused enough feedback to start a fire and cut all power to their part of the building, it probably would behoove anyone, young or old, to pay better attention.

She should have died that day. Burns all over her body, smoke in her lungs, they had to peel her mother’s body off of her (she could still remember the sound of it).

The pain had been excruciating. She’d wanted to just expire right there.

But the love of a father is a rather… restorative thing.

She remembered awakening to phantom pain and the confusion at seeing her arms and legs replaced with a mesh of metal and flesh that stung at the connections. She couldn’t recall screaming, but if she had to guess, that was the moment the trouble all started.

 Macbeth

She hated it. The silent looks, expressions ranging from “that poor girl” to “I’m just glad I’m not in her class”

Hotaru Tomoe had never really had the chance to make friends in her life before her accident. And afterward it just seemed to much a hassle. Especially when her father’s new “business partners” seemed to keep his attention far more than any practical or family pursuit.

Six women. Beautiful, mysterious, each one a member of the Mugen Academy staff or student body, where she attended.

But still, no matter how high the accolades, no matter her questions, the only time the illustrious Professor Tomoe seemed to give her attention was when her “condition” somehow worsened to give her trouble.

And that wasn’t even counting the…

She didn’t have a name for them.

Her chronic pain had become so bad that her father had opted to try alternative medicine. Namely exposing her to something called the “Tairon Crystal.”

And those treatments were the start of those… nameless image sequences. 

Nightmares? Too vivid and linear.

Repressed memories? Too surreal to be anything she experienced in this life.

Visions? Not clear enough to be called as such.

And those moments where the sight of a woman that could have been her mother staring back at her, arrogant and cruel, shook her awake at night with a dull ache inside her ribcage, she’d look at her hand and legs and wonder just what did her own father do to her.

What did he put in her?

Fillet of a fenny snake? Eye of newt and toe of frog? Wool of bat and tongue of dog? Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting? Lizard's leg and howlet's wing? Finger of birth-strangled babe?

Then she’d push it down and buy another lamp to add to her already extensive collection.

But still, there existed the fear of the mystery surrounding her treatment.

By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.

 The Bhagavad-Gita

She probably should have seen it coming when her body became the vessel of a veritable Anti-Christ.

For what must have been a minute (she couldn’t tell; nobody really timed transformation, have they?), Hotaru endured the most excruciating pain she could imagine. Bones lengthening and cracking, sockets popping out and back into joint, and voices, too many voices, ringing in her head. They rang almost metallic in her ears, a chorus of otherworldly chants, welcoming the arrival of their eternal master, Pharaoh 90.

It was in that moment, buried in the recesses of the mind of something like Mistress 9, finally released after all those years of alienation and worry that Hotaru felt it.

Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds

Her purpose, as host of Mistress 9, had been to lay waste to the world and ready it for the rule of the Tau Star System's denizens.

End of story.

But the end of one story is sometimes the start of another.

 Frankenstein

She’d been sewn up as a patchwork of her former self. Hotaru had known this for years. In fact, Hotaru couldn’t remember a time from before she had her pain or her cyborg arms and legs.

But the release of Mistress 9 unlocked something else. A flood of images much like the visions from her darker half.

Visions of ancient castles with spires reaching into star-filled skies, of long dresses, of a kingdom that seemed to be mythology come to life.

And her.

She stood in the center of all of it, strong, formidable, wielding a glaive of continent shattering power.

And she would use it. She saw this “Silver Millennium” (the name just felt so right for it) rise on the surface of the moon and fall to the influence of Metallia’s war with earth. All from her home in Titan Castle.

She, princess of the ringed planet.

Senshi of death.

Sailor Saturn.

These weren’t vague images like the ones she received from housing Mistress 9, these were 100% crisp memories of a past life. She was sure of it.

As sure as she felt that the end of Pharaoh 90 was near.

That the end of her own troubles was near.

And nothing on earth could stop it.

Not the worries or fears she’d held onto her whole life or even in the previous one.

Beware, she thought, for I am fearless and therefore powerful

 The Upanishads

From delusion lead me to truth

Sailor Moon. She owed a lot to her, Hotaru supposed. And to Chibiusa.

The latter had been her first friend, seeing her as more than just a burden. She’d listened to her interests and her wants and hadn’t shown a hint of disgust at her appearance or complained of her condition.

The former had swayed Sailor Saturn to stay her hand, to choose mercy over extinction and give the people of earth another chance.

And they’d both planted a seed in her mind; the doubt of the thought “only my father will ever understand me.”

From darkness lead me to light

Maybe with the power of the silver crystal, they could resurrect her father, give him a new lease on life. But maybe not yet.

Hotaru knew now just how exhaustive her father’s influence had been. She had another family now. People who wouldn’t need to learn to not view everything and everyone as a science experiment.

From death lead me to immortality.

And now, she could have the childhood she’d lost and so much more. She could make friends her own age, enjoy daydreams and make memories. And so much more.

Let there be peace everywhere

And even now, as she walked up the aisle towards the rest of her life, Hotaru could only wonder what she could even say about this life of her’s.

[doctorguilty]

-_-

Grandma comes downstairs to do something and then opens up the porch door to let my cat out and I'm like Please DON'T open that I'm freezing like I have the heat on down here right now,,,,, and she like huffs n puffs like "c'mon just for a little while he wants to go out there" like I just said I have the heat on I'm trying to HEAT my room and now you popped the porch door open to let in the enormous draft and she's just like "well why do you have short sleeves on then 🤨" even though I have socks and long pants on and my hair is down like because autism!!!! I don't want to bundle up like I'm in the fucking tundra while I'm in the house is that so much to ask?? And I'm the one who lives downstairs everyone else is upstairs so yeah nobody else feels it when the porch door is left open just me, also I've been over this SO many times I'm this 👌 close to becoming a serial killer and carving it onto the skin of all my victims the biggest thing impacted that hurts the most by the cold is my hands and I AM TIRED!!! TIRED!!!!!!!!

TIRED!!! LIKE COMPLETELY UTTERLY TIRED I WILL SNAP ON SIGHT

Of everyone's solution to my suffering re: the cold temp being "bundle up" like I'm expected to wear gloves in my own home constantly and completely lose use of my hands when every hobby I have involves my hands and i am CONDEMNED to living my life in my room all I can DO is entertain myself in here like you're practically telling me to just lie in bed like a corpse like not even use my PHONE how is that fair??? I think it's a load of bullshit personally like just let me HEAT my room to some semblance of warmth so every joint and muscle fiber in my hands aren't in agony and stop telling me I should just like dress like I'm prepping for antarctic expedition just to Live My Life INDOORS like oh God forbid I say I'm cold whilst wearing a t-shirt must be my fault even though I'd STILL be cold in other exposed places on my body if I wore a sweater ??? Nobody takes my chronic pain seriously my hatred is starting early this year I hope it's 75 degrees for the rest of October and when everyone gripes about sweating I'll say "why don't you just take more layers off :)" see how you like it

(This is a vent post abt chronic pain containing some hyperbole not an invitation for debate abt warmies vs coldies etc)

[heart-shaped-chains]

This should go on the not horny account but I'm too lazy to log off and log back in lmao. Anyway long ass vent about a mystery...condition? I guess. Warning for internalized ableism, probably.

I'm just always stiff. Like if I put my hands in a claw (like a cat) position and turn them, there's just so much popping. My neck pops pretty easily, so does my back. My back and neck are always hurting because they're so stiff. Same with my fingers, hands, wrists, and even elbows. Even my fucking. Ankles and knees get it sometimes, though not as frequently as everything above the waist. Hands are definitely the worst though.

I've lost my appetite over the course of a few months for no seeming reason. I'm not complaining because I was at my highest weight and I've dropped 10 pounds. Not that I'm insecure about being fat, but I know that my peak weight (in terms of just general fitness) is quite a bit lower than what it is currently. Just surprising because I haven't really changed my lifestyle, I just haven't been as hungry recently?

Despite taking off that weight and having less to carry on me, the pain hasn't eased up. If I take like, a small jump and land the wrong way, or put too much force in a step, shooting pain in my ankles, maybe even my knees. And I'm fucking. 19, barely 19, too. People my age do crazy shit. They do stupid stunts, they can do super cool shit. And my hands shake and if I sleep wrong, my back hurts and everything just hurts all the time.

And like. You get used to it, but it still hurts. But ofc, you're not diagnosed with anything and you feel like a fake. You're pretty sure you know what you have, but what if you're just being dramatic? What if the doctor you get referred to doesn't believe you because you're too young? I mean, my mom was diagnosed well into her adulthood, and she had been dealing with this pain since she was my age. It just discourages you more, even though you're being hyper vigilant about it. Because again, what if you're just being overdramatic and it's not normal?

I woke myself up crying one night because my hands were hurting so fucking much. It was super bad in my wrists and palms, bad in my fingers, and it even went down my forearms to my elbows. I tried like. Every position to get them to stop, I was trying to completely relax them since gripping, along with opening/straightening up, just makes it worse.

It's like my hands (maybe tendons? Not bones.) are just rusty. There's so much pushback if I try to straighten my fingers out completely (like this🖐️), they just. Automatically go back and I have to try harder to get them straight. I gave up on ASL because I can't fuckin. Separate my fingers far enough, I don't play piano songs that challenge me, nor do I play for as long as I want to, and my bass is collecting dust. Now I'm rethinking pursuing forensics and (maybe) becoming an autopsy tech because my hands are so fucking shitty.

I deal with the pain. I try not to show it because I'm young, and this shouldn't be happening. It's not accepted that this happens. And I love my family, but they're crass. And I don't need them calling me a pussy and claiming I have a low pain tolerance or whatever. Plus, my mom has it way worse than I do. So I just feel like I'm being overdramatic because she deals with excruciating pain every day and she just. Goes on. She yells and cries, but she keeps pushing. And I'm much healthier than her, so what right do I have to lay down and cry about it?

I'm kinda coming to terms with the fact that this isn't normal for people my age. And that it's probably some sort of health problem, and that because of genetics, it could be a chronic illness. And I just. It feels so unfair because I'm fucking nineteen. I could deal with getting that at 30, but I'm already dealing with fuckin "stiff back/hand hurty/joints hate you" syndrome at not even twenty???

Like. It's a fucking joke. I didn't even get to do any wild shit like go bungee jumping or go exploring in some random hole in the ground that turns out to be an unmapped cave system (true story. Source: my dad). I didn't get to like. Do parkour and shit, I haven't even done martial arts since middle school....My closest near death experience was almost choking on my vomit while I was alone in my room, tripping balls. That is hands down, the saddest fucking way to go. Also the fuckin. Saddest (derogatory) near death experience. No cool story, just dumb luck bc I happened to automatically sit up. And now I'm scared of being nauseous lmao. That's not cool, that's just fucking sad.

Like. I should've gotten some more time before this started happening. I see people joke about how when you turn 30, you start feeling injuries for longer, or you hurt more when you bump into something. Or just. Small things like that. It's a joke about aging and how your body's breaking down, it's gallows humor for everyone who's aging and dealing with that. I can't even legally buy cigarettes and I can relate to that shit, it's not fair.

And it makes me wonder, how bad is it gonna be when I do turn 30? Is it just gonna get worse over time? I don't wanna take painkillers because knowing me, I'd get hooked. So what do I do? Just hope that it doesn't get that much worse? Just hope that my pain tolerance is more developed by then since I'll have gotten more used to it? I don't wanna ask my mom about it, even though she lived it. I'm taking a break from therapy bc I'm switching therapists so I can't go in depth about it with a professional. It's just. Ugh.

It's bullshit. My hands ache all the time and I didn't even do anything. Like. What the fuck did I do? Is this God's way of punishing me for fucking up my teenage years? I was a kid. Yet the aching started when I was like 16, before I even started doing drugs...

It's probably just random. It just happened that I got it. It's just so unfair. Like I already have bad intrusive thoughts and shit, just, a very bad state of mind. Yet mental pain wasn't enough? It needs to be physical, too? That's just shitty. That's so fucking shitty. My hands shake, that's not fair.

Anyway, thanks for reading this far if you did. Sorry for the overall bad vibes. Feel free to armchair diagnose me if you want lmao, any advice is welcome. Please be nice to me, thanks 🩵