#i truly hated the year i lived there
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hahahahahahahahahaha, yeah, yeah, okay, this is very funny, cuz that is in fact where i grew up. it’s, like, five minutes from my childhood home via car. 😂
small world!!! that's totally wild! my family was spread around the area—some in miami, boynton beach, coral springs, etc. i went down there for my great uncle's funeral in?? 2021? but before that i hadn't been back since 2010. sadly i gotta admit, it is not my favorite part of the world lol
#ask#lauriscrafty#i truly hated the year i lived there#my childhood memories of spending summers there is mostly colored by my memory of living there now#so it's all kind of tainted
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And some days, I just wish you wouldn't look at me at all.
#ffxiv#sketch#wol#meteor survivor#zenos yae galvus#adventurer zenos#oh no#its the consequences of his actions#everything is fine until the only man on the star you care about looks at you with the same contempt your father did#(Meteor's not doing it intentionally- its a reflex after he comes back for quite a bit)#and zenos is getting bodied because its been a while since... you know... him being able to really feel anything at all#and no- its not him regretting anything that had to do with varis- just him regretting the thought meteor could look at him like that#little does Meteor know he's emotionally bodying the man he's trying to be cordial with#its a little okay because in how I write adventurer zenos this serves as one of his main wake-up calls to make some changes#and realizing both the mistakes he's made with meteor and that meteor hating him in any way is actually -not at all- what he wants#but not okay on the end that every time meteor does this he has to watch zenos actively dissociate right in front of him#until zenos just kinda autopilots and walks away#the second time (or perhaps third) in the last 11 years that zenos has felt regret to any major capacity-#on meteor's end I just enjoy seeing the progression of the WoL through subtext#and why meteor is willing to even entertain the idea despite how much he hates zenos- his decisions and the path he's walked#is the realization that there is high chance that he could actually be a direct catalyst for zenos' growth#and the realization the wol has that they were the only one zenos has ever genuinely reached out to#besides- i just like the idea of having your equal other half fighting back to back with you- or being able to handle threats you cant#and i find their dynamic neat- of meteor not forgiving zenos but giving him his last chance- and growing to enjoy being around him#and zenos being able to work on moving past being the weapon or the monster- finding the connections he's longed for#and giving himself purpose to finally truly just live- for him to learn to experience and have the freedom to find what he enjoys#(and curiously him having estinien's brand of accidently helping people even in StB gives me ideas...)#but enough tag ranting- ill get to zenos' actual adventuring in another post lol
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I'd pay so much money to hear you give a lesson on paleontolgy. Whenever you write about you seem so formal and passionate ✨️
this is sooooo sweet but i guarantee you don’t want this bc the first lesson would be on terminology and the geologic timeline, some of the most boring but fundamental shit 😭😭
or, hear me out—that but my feeder is stuffing me more and more. the lesson keeps getting interrupted by sips of weight gain shake and many belly rubs
#‘boring’ is relative btw#i hate how and why words work but i love the geologic timeline#i love how life has developed throughout all of it#and i love how a deeper understanding of that span of time truly changes your worldview#i see things as their path through time#idk if that makes sense but i see an oak tree and am just happy to know they’ve been around for like 40 million years#and i LOVE knowing what formations and areas fossils come from#one goal of mine is to have a piece of live oak fossil wood from the willis formation of southeast texas#it’d take some work to identify but god. i am willing#talk#ask
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wait.
if Nandor knew that the only way to reverse the transformation was to kill the vampire that sired Guillermo...
he was going to travel the world...with his best friend...go back to his home...turn Guillermo at the banks of the Tigris
in s3 finale, after Guillermo had cornered Nandor, proving he can have violent intent towards him, Nandor says, "yes, yes. this is what I've been waiting for. you've passed the test"
but he wasn't talking about being a vampire...
he was talking about what he would have to do after...
#wwdits#what we do in the shadows#nandermo#guillermo de la cruz#nandor the relentless#but tonight you've proved that you have what it takes to take care of yourself#i mean Guillermo would have never been ready to kill Nandor#and Nandor would have known that#but he would (potentially) be ready to live without Nandor#like how Laszlo writes in his letter to Nadja#“you don't need me to protect you anymore”#and Nandor has always protected Guillermo from the realization that he could never truly be a vampire...#Nandor was going to have a beautiful time with who he loved most#go back home#turn Guillermo#and after some time - proving to Guillermo that he wouldn't be able to commit to being a vampire#he would have killed himself#in his homeland#prbly where he feels like he should have died 700 years ago#thanks i hate it
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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now I Know this is being overdramatic and petty which is why im posting about it instead of actually saying anything but I wish to fucking god my roommate would stop having ppl over without warning me beforehand.
#j.txt#genuinely cannot think of any instance since last year where she hasnt had someone over for more than 3 days in a row#and for the past couple weeks its been her shitty ex who shes already told me she cut off bc of things he did to her when they were first#dating so like. girl im trying not to judge but What Gives !!!#and it wouldnt even be nearly as much of a problem if they werent constantly in the kitchen or living room. ik its me being neurotic#and antisocial but I Hate fixing my meals with people around like if im cooking for/with someone thats different but otherwise it bothers m#so fucking bad. idc if ur back together with him yall just go to your side of the space please!!!!!!!#theyre never even doing anything that would necessitate being in the common areas like she has her own tv in her room that they watch so in#living room they just sit there on their phones. and I'm trying so hard to be polite abt it#but I dont want that man in my goddamn house for weeks without paying rent like .am I insane or does that truly just not make any sense#just realized I mistyped at beginning of this when I say since last year to clarify I mean since last aug when she moved in#anyways .guess I'll wait until they clear out to go eat which will prob be around four hours if precedent serves .🙃#vent#delete later
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truly it’s so funny how shana is one of my most well-adjusted characters. leads a genuinely happy and fulfilling life. very cruel lmao
#he often says that he is living breathing proof that karma is either bullshit or got seriously fucked priorities lmao#of course while realising the irony of the situation he enjoys it very much when people get upset about this lmao#he truly lives for the everyday joys big or small. a true hedonist.#and finds them in so many places too.#after so many years of being in the horrendous monster business you’d think he’d get tired of hearing stuff like#‘you disgust me/you’re a monster/i hate you’#‘i thought you were my friend/love/i trusted you’#and#‘please don’t hurt me’#but he truly doesn’t. gets so creepily excited and sometimes even like. giddy about it every single time without fail#he says it’s like chocolate treats for him. still just as delicious and addicting as the first time he had them. lol#oc: shana
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#i used to hate myself and life so much#i used to be isolated and lonely and always felt hopeless#and listen life is fucking hard and college is kicking my ass and some days my brain fucks me over#but i no longer hate myself#i no longer hate living#i have a sense of determination#and despite everything i have a sense of who i am#so many years of being afraid of being who i truly am but in the end i came to terms with it and i’m happy#so many things i’m passionate about#i’m no longer isolated and i’ve made such great friends#i have a fucking career i give a damn about and it’s something i actually fucking love#so many people that shown me how much they care about me and have supported me#and life is fucking worth living goddamnit#i just want to hug 13 year old me and tell her—tell /him/—it’ll get better#and i love him deeply and i love myself and i’m so fucking proud of myself because it’s been so goddamn hard but i pushed#and keep pushing through and at the end that’s what’s most important#logan.txt
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is episode 8 the domitian arc ? more on this and EVEN MORE narratives i’ve been ignoring that the show said “actually,,,” about in 5
#hermes staying domitian’s hand… hermes’ face a flash of discomfort when he was torturing tenax… hmm. character growth.#WHAT WAS THAT HERMES. WHAT WAS THAT LOOK. NO GIRL GET BACK HERE I CANNOT ALSO DO THIS NARRATIVE OF YOU NO LONGER ABLE TO PULL HIM BACK FROM#THE BRINK OF HIS CRUELTY WATCHING HIM CHANGE AND SEEKING OUT SOMEONE ELSE IN HIS NEED AND FEAR AND ANGST. NO BABY GIRLLLL#I DON’T WANT TO WRITE A HERMES POINT OF VIEWWWW OF THE SIX YEARS HE SPENT WATCHING DOMITIAN BLOOMMMM INTO HIS POWER AND CORRUPTTTT because.#correct me if i’m wrong but in that very first scene that was a young hermes in the white right he watched domitian give his speech and saw#his father to truly see him the whole time as hermes has seen his brilliance.#NO I ALSO SAW THAT GUARD’S HEAD FOLLOW HERMES oh i hate it here. you know what i also hate? i need domitian to be successful for tenax#but also i do kinda like titus… NOOOOOO NO KILLING TITUS DOMITIAN I JUST SAID I LIKED HIM!!!! DOMITIAN!!!#oh. ohhhh no. OH NOOOO okay listen we can redeem this. we can have the whole turning point of the narrative be domitian’s mercy of hermes#the ultimate staying of his hand. proving he’s not entirely gone that hermes & his love still means something. do i think this will happen#no absolutely not. before he can kill his brother domitian has to kill the only other living person he loves perhaps more than titus if he#could ever realize it. (a brief interlude to yell LET’S GO LESBIANS LET’S GO HI IRIS) domitian… please spare him… OH WAIT HELLO THE BLOOD!!#ALSO a brief interlude to say i knew it was coming but ELIA’S SPEECH ABOUT LOVING INCITATUS??? I WAS ON THIS INCITATUS SHIT WITH THE LITTLE#NOD THEY HAD WHERE SCORPUS CALLED HIM TO BEAT XENON OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!!! elia’s going to crush him. incitatus won’t listen.#scorpus is going to die twice once when they call elia’s name instead of his and then the second time when the scorpion bites him again#(he kills himself and tenax finds him. sorry to give everyone absolutely maximum damage here but uh. that’s how i can see it going down)#or alternatively worse: after killing titus who at times he loves and hates in equal measure (if y’all don’t think I have some UNHINGED#brothers quotes. we’ll keep mum here about why but suffice to say it is. relevant to other fandoms. and thus i have a Collection) the last#thing domitian has to do is kill hermes. and this one is both out of betrayal but also love because I think somewhere in here titus’ queen#berenice plays a role because domitian’s hatred of the jews probably comes to play a role and I think titus would show up and protect her#like Domitian engineers some kind of a situation where in theory titus could escape alive or beat him but he can’t do that & save berenice#and so of course he saved berenice. or she dies in his arms and he goes mad with grief and any way you put it berenice is the trap & titus#happily crawls into the lion’s mouth to save her for love of her etc and domitian sees him die for it. he gives titus every chance to come#back to him to work with him to be what he wants him to be and he always chooses himself he chooses love and domitian can’t understand even#when it makes him weak. and then he sees hermes dirty and emaciated and still terribly terribly beautiful and feels such a pang of longing#and love that he decides he has to die because he (domitian) cannot be weak. he cannot have any of it. also giving domitian worse paranoia#than he already has because if you kill your brother the one person who should always love you—support you—who can build me a new brother—#you’ve gotta generate some MAJOR issues. namely trust issues. and if he kills hermes they’ll be even worse. so like ideally To Me domitian#wouldn’t kill him but i do very much see the symbolism of cutting off his last earthly tie & desire to ascend to the divine imperial throne#those about to die
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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just absolutely fucking obsessed with the 0.5 evil marriage bad end deep in love deep in suffering of it all, everything that could've possibly went wrong went wrong and they're in it together
#truescholar.txt#the way that from the beginning of the book mo ran absolutely portrays it as him one sidedly tormenting chu wanning out of hate#but slowly it unfolds the realization of the sheer degree of intimacy and 'you would not be fucking doing that if you just hated his ass'#it's strongly been my conviction that once chu fei realized what was going on and 2.0 chu wanning inherited his souls and memory#thus meaningfully continuing his existence on (and i want to think it's a more complete continuation unlike soma level memory self shit)#that his perception of their years together in taxian jun's palace would completely change#and that he would almost treasure the time they had together even if during it was the most painful and agonizing time of his life#toxic trauma bond moments but they were in it together#and mo ran would've never done this to him in this way (ie the illusion of not loving him deeply in body heart and soul)#2ha is definitely not a moral tale nor an 'example of what you should or can do in a relationship'#but instead the story of how two deeply mentally ill and traumatized people fought their hardest to find their way home together#over two lifetimes#over many lives lost and regained#it truly only works because it's them and because they have the exact same kind of madness for each other
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I'm not a "I was born in the wrong generation because I wanna see 1980" girl I'm a "I'm born in the wrong generation because I'll never get to see the milky way collide with andromeda because humans won't last long enough to be able to see it and i desperately want to" girl
#i hate being such a curious person because I'll never get to see all the things i wish to see#because its just not possible 😞#also the fact that scientists just know we definitely won't last another million year's is funny#they said yeah... no#humans truly only live for tiny speck of time in comparison to the earth
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ive actually put myself in so many situations and seem to come out doing socially well, youd think at some point i could get it in my head im not irredeemably bad
#that post about dysphoria like ‘u feel like ur covered in slime and people will eventually see the rot’ rly truly hits it#idek if its dysphoria or autism or what at this point#maybe its everything#but shit#ive stayed at hostels and hung out with and chatted w complete strangers#i went back to my hs reunion this week and actually hung out w people i thought didnt fw me anymore#my coworkers generally seem to like me- its felt rare when one didnt which is a shocking percentage#ive maintained friendships with my core group of friends despite living w them for over a year (u know how that can go) and not#being able to participate in like half the activities they do (sex parties i dont wanna attend or im busy at work)#made internet friends. believe it or not there was a time as a teen i thought id never be able to do that!#shit bitch even the guy i like who i constantly worry secretly hates me#and i constantly worry only puts up with me etc#yeah he doesnt always seem to let me in much but he barely lets anyone in?#comparatively he does seem to let me in a lot#i really have to remember to put things in perspective sometimes#just bc im not in my holmes/watson era or facetiming someone all day doesnt mean im a lonely loser……. smh#there was once a time i had no irl friends. I CHANGED THAT. I DID THAT. i can do anything
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Yesterday in line at the printer i saw a girl i thought was someone from illustration i knew back in year 1 so i asked her and she was so disgusted id assume she's studying illustration...? To top it off she went on to say she hopes i dont guess animation next? Bitch these wouldve been compliments. Turns out she was from my major, and you know i hate my major, so it checks out
#of course no one in my major is actually a real person i refuse to believe they have inner lives and such#but wow i truly hate you people in every single year huh
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lazy scribbling of my baldur's gate 3 characters
#*emerges from 430 HOURS of life-changing playtime blearily like a lost and confused kitten*#i lost my interest in drawing bc everything is too sad & horrible right now. it was a luxury and privilege to lose myself in this instead#what follows will be my personal and trivial emotions about that#i'll do better proper drawings later. for me. they are both so very dear to me... deeply dear...unforgettable journeys of fate#truly have played like one possessed for the past few weeks. you have no idea. what do i do now. what do i do.#their personalities are so vivid to me though they mostly made the same choices. both intersex and they/them - canonically <3#i missed out on FOUR PARTY MEMBERS in my first playthrough due to not understanding anything whatsoever.#gloaming ended up with wyll and pavane romanced karlach and astarion. and ended up with the one i did NOT plan on. this wasnt the plan#one of the most fulfilling romance paths i've ever..i cant say more..it all got too immersive and now i have to just.. MOVE ON ??????????#live in THIS world where i can't gut imperialism personally and emerge alive from that?#without Long Resting? without my character requesting a kiss from their beloved after a tough day ??#without preparing my little spells? without channelling divinity from my death god to keep us all alive?#without dyeing my man's clothes fancy colours for him? without him Approving whenever i lie and double-cross our enemies#without sharing clothes with my ex? without choosing to eat the heavy food first so that the weight is easier on her Carrying Capacity?#without orchestrating ways for all of my friends to kill the abusers that ruined their lives for a decade or even 200 years?#without experiencing degrading horrors on a daily basis but in a cathartic way where we always make it back to our rooms at the inn#WITHOUT SPEAK WITH ANIMALS???????????#at least there's music. just like with persona 5 that will always be with me. always#like how p5 melodies take me back to those feelings. those rich and personal feelings.... BUT THIS WAS A WAY MORE NUTS EXPERIENCE#i thought i would hate it. i did at times. thought it would desensitise me to various things. it did. but there was so much more..it was...#Well anyway *continues my life* imagine if dnd was real..something to think about
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that crushing feeling of realizing you have no talents no original ideas you’re not good at anything really and you basically have nothing to offer the world
#yooo who wrote that.#no but like. i really am trying to solidify the idea that my value doesn’t need to come from how good i am at things.#or what certain skills i have. but also#it kinda is really like that… like that’s the world we live in#and it doesn’t even matter what other people think anymore like. it just comes down to me#IM unsatisfied with myself#im boring and im not that smart im not exceptionally good at anything (I WANNA BE!! But also not?) im not that funny or Cool#i dress boring im awkward i have 0 flavour there’s nothing remotely interesting about me at all.#oh but!!!! no like you don’t get it#i don’t even have like. interesting hobbies#im just so. mundane and part of me really really hates that and it scares me also because#how much of that is truly who i am and how much of it is just being#20 years old … Lol#like shoot i really have nothing to offer ❤️#this too shall pass hopefully#Whatever#♡ dear diary…#queued 🦋
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