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eponymous-rose · 4 years ago

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Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E127 (March 2, 2021)

Tonight’s guests are, of course, Ashley Johnson and Marisha Ray!

Marisha, on her thought process behind the date: “It was a fascinating study on designing something with another player in trying to navigating how to do that in a way that makes sense and wouldn’t be too metagamey or overly scripted or anything like that. I had a bunch of ideas thought out, then I just typed it out and sent it over to him, and then he interpreted it as such.” Liam had ideas, but Marisha wanted him to keep the details a surprise. The theme of “let’s start over” was the leading motif for the design. Three acts: pre-game cocktails at the Nestled Nook, picnic in a field of Xhorhasian wildflowers, and then close it with after-dinner drinks and hot tub at the Steam’s Respite. And the very last thing was “and all the cats were dogs”. Brian: “What was his response to that?” Marisha: “He texted me and was like, ‘Are you serious or is this dog thing a joke?’”

Ashley is asked what it was like to know it was coming but not know the specifics. “For both of us, I don’t think we thought it was going to be right then. I think because it’s been so long in the relationship between Beau and Yasha and it felt like such a natural progression for the two of them, and they’re both awkward together. I think there was something to just being thrown into it.” She spent time thinking about what things Yasha would talk to Beau about on a date. “We got to maybe one of them. It was just so fun! Exploring romance in D&D can be super weird, especially when you’re streaming. But it felt like that’s where our characters were going. There was that excitement of trying something that is out of my comfort zone, and I think so much of Marisha was part of that, as being the initiator as Beau, where I was like, okay, this is where it’s going it. Let’s do it, let’s see what happens!” She mentions how “fun and freeing” it is to trust your improv partner in something like this.

Marisha: “I just wanted Beau to be a fuckboi!” But she highlights that it’s hard to deny the deeper connections that come up in D&D scenarios. “They’ve been with each other through so much that it’s difficult to deny when those bonds start to happen.” She texted Liam in a panic before the game. “What do I wear? And he said, ‘In the game or in real life?’ Both!”

Marisha was expecting a Sam curveball at some point. “My/Beau’s reaction of ‘I love you!’ was pretty accurate. She does care! She’s not just a troll trying to ruin our shit.”

Marisha on Yasha liking dogs: “I clocked that shit when you bought a dog figurine.” She keeps notes about all the members of the party when they reveal things like that.

Ashley has started taking more detailed notes, partly to play catch-up for events she may have missed earlier. “Turns out, notes are very helpful and can help you in your RPing!”

Favorite parts? Marisha: “The fade-to-black moment at the very end, and I think it’s because Ashley’s eyes--maybe this is going to get weird--we had this moment where we were in the hot tub at the end, and I looked over and was like, ‘hey’, and you looked over and were like, ‘hey’, and I was just dead. I will never forget the look on Ashley’s face. There was just a pure moment.” Ashley: “That’s so funny, because I was going to talk about this one moment with Marisha. It’s just clicking into the scene and clicking into the moment.” Marisha talks about how the moments associated with the game have real, tangible emotional connections. Brian highlights that the emotional side of things is what you remember the most after the campaign is done.

Character thoughts on Kima? Marisha: “I was like, step on me! Please! Both of you! We’d be friends.” Ashley: “It’s also that nostalgia that feels so good at the table. These characters we know and love are still living and breathing and happy together and just kicking ass. For Yasha it was an amazing example of a relationship that works in this world, and something beautiful that these people who are different but are connecting. It was a lot of-- it was cool. I think Yasha’s a very big fan of Kima and Allura. When she gave over the sword, Travis texted me and was like, it’s the Holy Avenger. Looking it up and talking about it, it was like, holy mackerel, this sword is insane. But there’s going to have to be some conversations had to attune with the sword. But I like that Matt presented that challenge, that this isn’t necessarily in your class, but let’s do some RP and see what happens.”

Where’s Yasha at with the Stormlord right now? “I’m curious to explore that more, but knowing that the Stormlord was the first person to bring her back to her own will, of pulling her out of whatever was happening with Oban and the Laughing Hand for however long. It’s also weird to see the relationship that the clerics have, and I think Yasha’s still figuring out how to be her own person, but also... not serving somebody, but still trying to figure out that relationship with her god. But again, he saved her from a very, very dark place, and I think that’s something she values and holds on to.”

Cosplay of the Week: An amazing Essek! (Blushingvioletcosplay on Instagram)

How is Beau handling the Eyes? “All the theories! It’s hard for it to not feel like a ticking time bomb. I always have to try and separate my theories from Beau’s theories. That’s acting and shit. I, Marisha, am very interested if I can somehow utilize this to our advantage. Beau, also interested but simultaneously terrified that it might be a bad idea and I might just get further initiated. When it comes to Matt, you know there’s always something more lurking underneath all of this. As players it’s kind of our job to navigate that.”

How about Yasha? “I think it’s one of the things that didn’t really come up in the date, which is funny, because it’s something I was thinking about. Me as a player, that’s something I’m extremely stressed about. We don’t know what’s going to happen. We kind of got into it, but I think the fact that Lucien was listening, and the Eyes, I think it made me as a player as Yasha very nervous about interacting with Beau, because I don’t know what they’re picking up on. There’s so much we don’t know, and Lucien is so confusing, and the Eyes, and with Matt... we don’t know! It’s a point of extreme concern for Yasha, especially someone that she has feelings for and cares about, it’s an extra level of I don’t know what this means and I can’t lose this person, but I need to protect at all costs.”

What was it like for Beau to discover that Dairon and the Soul not only listened but took action? “That moment was so deeply powerful. Honestly, I was just as taken aback as Beau was. I never in both mine or Beau’s thought process did I think Matt would take action in that way, or that would ever be handled. And I think that’s what makes it so emotional. You condition yourself to think these things just happen, so much so that they permeate your D&D game. So rarely do abusers get held accountable for their actions. What was powerful about it was that he was, and other people cared. That alone was so emotionally impactful, and I was completely thrown by it. I feel like I had to walk away from that situation kind of unpacking those things. What does that say, what does that mean? Same thing for Beau, where the cycle of abuse has happened repeatedly to her with no repercussions to anyone who’s causing it. It’s why she’s always had a weird tenuous relationship with the Soul. It throws you into these layers of reconciliation and thought. I didn’t think this was going to be addressed. What does that say about society? So many different layers to peel back. It all speaks to so many real-life experiences that happen every damn day to so many people. There’s not many examples in media of abusers getting handled, and especially not in a way that’s not some sort of device to motivate somebody.” She highlights how rare it is that the abuser was handled without pulling the victim into the mess. I’m definitely not doing what she’s saying justice with my speed-typing.

How is Yasha feeling about solidifying her identity as a protector? “Putting together this character and starting to play as her, there was a part of me that wanted-- when I work on characters, you go through the list of questions you have as an actor, what’s your motivation and all that stuff. But I very much wanted to see if I could have a character that doesn’t necessarily know what their purpose is, because I feel like a lot of people feel that way. I think when we see movies or TV shows, there’s always a character who says, I know what my purpose is. I wanted to explore what it meant to not know what that is. I left that open with Yasha, and I didn’t want to set that for her, because I thought that was an interesting thing. I still like that idea, but in the conversation with Beau and knowing the date was coming up, there were a lot of internal conversations I was having of how is Yasha feeling in this moment. At the end of the day, I feel that’s a very solid purpose for Yasha in this moment, of all I can really provide is protection - and of course she can provide more than that. But now I’m just, yeah, I think protection for her is the best way she knows how to describe her purpose.” Brian: “And once we arrive there, the goal is to find a greater purpose, to be of service.” Ashley has tied in Yasha’s protectiveness with her grappling with loss.

Fan art of the week: A second amazing Essek! (by Saturday_sky)

Thoughts on the amulets: set-up or bad luck? Ashley: “I thought they were a set-up!” Marisha: “I think [Astrid’s] an opportunist. But I think it’d be much more convenient if anyone other than her killed Trent. To what end, I don’t know.” Ashley: “Me, personally, how I interpreted her crying in that alleyway, I felt like she was crying because of a betrayal. But I don’t know! I think she definitely cares for Caleb.” Marisha: “I also got betrayal tears. That felt like guilt-crying to me.” Brian: “I don’t like any of this.”

What prompted Beau going full assassin? “If they were to get in and out and I could have jumped over that tower without killing that guy, I would have.” She didn’t have a lot of options as a monk and not a rogue assassin, but needed a quick and quiet way to get him out of the way. “I went through so many ideas in my head. I thought of an idea to dump all of the ball bearings under him, then light fireworks” to try to get him to fall off the edge.

Is Yasha’s hope for Molly still alive? “Yes. I think that because Yasha has been on the other end of doing terrible things under someone else’s influence, she has a lot of forgiveness for people. At this point, of course, it’s hope that he’ll come back or have some type of recognition of his life as Molly. There’s a lot of questions. I don’t think she’ll ever give up on him.” The only moment of hesitation was when Lucien was cool with Gelidon leaving with Beau.

How are they feeling about their odds? Ashley: “I feel really great about the ideas that the group has to get out of tricky situations. This one I’m nervous about.” Marisha: “I agree. We have our little side player thread, minus Matt, and I don’t see how we’re getting out of this without some sort of compromise that’s not necessarily in our favor. I think we’re going to get out of it, but I don’t think we’re going to get out of it completely.”

Ashley didn’t tell Brian about the date after the episode ended, but wound up blurting it out right before he was about to watch the episode for Talks.

#long text post #critical role #critical role spoilers #talks machina #talks machina spoilers

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dylanobrienisbatman · 3 years ago

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comparing everlark and malina you are going to make my cry. they are both so good and it totally explains my idea to rewatch thg movies shortly after finishing tgt books (i haven’t done that yet though). i always thought they were similar but so many people compare malina to everthorne and it chips away at my soul. anyway, just wanted to say i love the malina/mal posting you’ve got going on. i am very comfortable with the energy you’ve created in the studio. <3

AUGH thank you!!!! I’m glad the energy I’m putting out is a good vibe! And now I’m gonna rant because you gave me an inch and I’m taking the mile here.

BOOKS SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!

When it comes to the everlark/everthorn/malina question, i think it’s yet another example of people misunderstanding Mal and Malina and what Leigh was trying to do with the story. In THG, peeta represents peace and safety and a comfortable “boring” life, whereas Gale represents war and fighting, and forever being in a space of conflict. The “choice” for Katniss isn’t about them as men, it’s about what they’re supposed to symbolise. As with all well done YA books, the message of the story in total is supposed to be reflected in the “choice” of romantic partners. The heroine will end up with the person who best fits with the overarching themes of the story, because in the end she will choose the path that best fits with those themes. THG did it extremely well, and I think TGT did too, but people seem to lack the ability to actually understand what it means.

In TGT, Alina has three “choices” in both her life, and in the men who are presented as options. The Sun Summoner, Sankta Alina, or just Alina. The Darkling, Nikolai, or Mal. As usual, the romantic plot is meant to mirror and help solidify the thematic choices the heroine has to make. Each man represents a different path for Alina, and a different outcome in the story.

The darkling is a path of darkness and power and a corruption of the self. Throughout the story it’s made extremely clear that he is and always has been a monster, and in the narrative he represents the main overarching theme of the books: absolute power corrupts absolutely. That’s why Alina can never be with him, because choosing power over everything else takes away her humanity. He represents Alina giving up on humanity in pursuit of her own power. He also represents control, over and her and her gifts. He wants to claim her power for himself, so to choose him would be to choose to give up her agency.

Nikolai represents another kind of power, and I think he’s less of a real thematically driven romantic option. She never really considers him as an actual romantic choice, which makes sense because Alina never wanted what he represents, which is political power and fame and glory. His offer to marry her makes that very clear. He doesn’t love Alina, he wants to be married to Sankta Alina, so he can claim that name and the political influence it holds for himself. He is another man who wants to claim her, and even tho he more wants to claim what she represents, it still shows that he values what she can give him rather than Alina herself. Alina choosing him would be choosing to live a life as a false “saint”, which we see clearly throughout the story that she’s not interested in, as well as once again giving up her agency and allowing herself to be used. She doesnt like being paraded around or made to put on a show. She doesn’t want what Nikolai represents, even before he shows up, which is why he’s never truly an option to her, in the romantic sense.

And then there’s Mal. Mal represents humanity and peace, and exists to ground Alina, and Mal is continuously the only one of the men who values Alina herself, rather than what she can do or what she represents. There’s a reason she always thinks of him at the Little Palace and why he always shows up in moments where the Darkling is starting to corrupt her or when Nikolai is being too much of a smooth talker. He steps in to remind Alina that power and influence mean nothing if she looses sight of who she is on the inside. Mal exists to keep the narrative themes of the story in Alina’s head. He is there to show her, and the audience, when she’s letting things go to far, or when she’s starting to become someone she’s not. I think it makes him unpopular because people think he’s trying to limit her, but he’s not. He’s trying to keep her from becoming someone she can’t come back from. He’s trying to keep her human. He represents home and peace and safety for her, but he is also her guide star. He keeps her on the path to becoming a hero, and in dying for her shows that he was the only one truly willing to allow her to achieve her own destiny, no matter the cost to himself.

Mals sacrifice is another way he mirrors the themes of the story. Alina must achieve a power too great to hold in order to defeat the darkling and banish the fold, and in so doing she must then loose that power. To save the world, Alina must sacrifice her power as the sun summoner. And Mal’s sacrifice mirrors that. For the world to be saved and evil to be defeated, Alina must give up the man she loves. He symbolises her putting the world above herself, which is then mirrored by her power being given to the world. But in the end, it’s not this wonderful life affirming moment. To lose something dear to you can be traumatising and horrific, and just because it was for the greater good doesn’t make it any awful for her. To be forced to kill Mal is HORRIBLE for Alina, but because she is the hero of the story, and because Mal has helped to remind her time and time again that she must choose humanity over herself and her own power, she does it. And in doing so, she then looses her power and

I think that’s why Malina and Everlark have the same vibes, because in the end Mal and Peeta are both the character in the plot that helps to ground the heroine and remind her of the thematic intent of the story. That peace is what we should strive for. That humanity and kindness should always prevail. That sacrifice for the betterment of the world can be noble, but it’s still devastating and traumatic. That love should be a soothing balm on your pain and troubles, and home should be where you’re safest, and where you’re most yourself.

#malina #shadow and bone spoilers #everlark #mal oretsev #alina starkov #shadow and bone #the grisha trilogy #the hunger games #nikolai lantsov #the darkling #peeta mellark #katniss everdeen #they’re so wonderfully paralleled i love it

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entertainment · 4 years ago

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Entertainment Spotlight: Bianca Bosch, The Kissing Booth 2

Bianca made her feature film debut in Netflix’s global hit franchise The Kissing Booth as the flirtatious and fun-loving Olivia, leader of The OMG’s, which she reprised in The Kissing Booth 2. She will next appear in the third installment of the franchise—The Kissing Booth 3, slated to debut in 2021. Born and raised on the eastern cape of South Africa, Bianca started ballet at just four years old and trained and competed in high-level contemporary dance until she was 19. A small role in a production of Evita solidified her passion for bringing characters to life, which she followed to The New York Film Academy and the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. Bianca is passionate about giving back to her local communities in St. Frances Bay and Port Elizabeth, South Africa, and hopes to inspire women of all ages and from all walks of life to go after their dreams and heal those who need it, with strength, wisdom, and empathy.

What do you find exciting about portraying Olivia?

When people first meet me, they always sum me up as the bubbly, dramatic, ditzy blonde, and don’t anticipate my intellectual aptitude. They also soon realise that I’m super laid back, easy-going, and value a great sense of humour. Many people always say my exterior doesn’t match the interior. With portraying Olivia, I got to push those qualities that people assume I am at face value, as well as those mannerisms that come naturally to me, but are actually far from who I really am. It was so much fun living in that heightened, exaggerated bubble.

Can you tell us anything about Olivia’s development between the first and third installments of The Kissing Booth?

Being the “it girl” of the school, Olivia knows all the gossip going down and will not let any information slip past her because she is the ring leader, and has to have a first peek at any potential. As the story evolves, you see a softer, more supportive side to her, for example, when she cheers on Ollie and Miles as they have their first kiss at the kissing booth.

Which character from The Kissing Booth do you personally identify with most, and why?

I identify mostly with Elle. Navigating relationships can be hard and confusing, especially when the person you love lives far away. Having faith in your relationship and in yourself is important, but not always easy. I have been through those doubts and dilemmas. At the end of the day, communication and respect are vital to making a long-distance relationship work.

Alongside acting, you train in Vinyasa Yoga and Reiki, while also running a lighting/interior design business called MOODMAKERS. How do you cope with wearing so many hats?

I’ve got to keep up with my lifestyle somehow! Obviously, with acting, you’re not always employed and shooting. You might constantly be auditioning, but it’s been said that you book 1 in 25 auditions—so in between, someone has to pay the bills! Why not incorporate jobs that are already a part of my daily routine and always will be?! Plus, I find that the busier I am, the more I actually get done. Educating and practicing Reiki and Vinyasa yoga are more hobbies than jobs for me; plus, they all coincide with wellbeing and creativity.

Do you have any advice for young women who would like to become entrepreneurs themselves?

You have to think about your individual strengths and potentially use those to fill a gap in the market by providing a good or service. In my case, it was a product, in the form of a portable light. The opportunity in South Africa was the inconvenience of load shedding, which refers to rolling blackouts that occur due to the lack of electricity in our country. My father is an interior designer, so being surrounded by design my whole life sparked the idea to provide a stylish solution with portable, rechargeable lamps.

How do your experiences as a dancer influence your acting work?

I feel very in tune with my body, and every character needs their own physicality. So it helps me to sink into and develop the character’s mannerisms. Not only is it great for keeping correct alignment while staying physical, but also it provides discipline through general practice.

You engage in charity work in your hometown, can you tell us a bit about that?

Well, recently, with COVID-19, volunteer work has changed with social distancing in place. I believe charity starts at home, and home for me is in Saint Francis Bay. So, we’ve shifted focus to the local townships’ impoverished areas. We coordinated and prepared meals once a week and delivered them to the local soup kitchen for as many residents as possible. After going there each week and seeing the living conditions, and how excited these families were for their meals, I felt guilty but also so appreciative to come home and live the life I do.

How do you practice being an ally, and what does your allyship mean to you?

It means being a part of something bigger than yourself. My mission statement is to inspire young girls to go after their dreams, not only through my own actions and successes but also by mentoring them in person where possible. Being an ally also means being committed to educating myself on struggles that differ from my own experience and standing up for others in unjust situations.

How can mental and physical wellbeing and self-care help to sustain creative work?

I think physicality, mental health, and self-care are as vital as working on your acting skills. This career path takes dedication and perseverance. Keeping grounded in the madness and focused on your goal is crucial. This industry is tough on your body, especially when you’re working long hours on set or doing back-to-back night shoots. It’s not the usual 9-5 job. Plus, you want to be looking and feeling your best for the camera. You need to promote wellbeing for concentration and maximum performance. Having irregular sleeping patterns due to shooting schedules throws off your circadian rhythm, which can have a huge effect on your adrenals, which ultimately affects your skin, moods, and weight. You want to feed your body with the best nutrients, so when the tough times come, your immune system holds up strong. I generally tend to stick to a gluten-free + dairy-free diet and pump my body with loads of greens! Lean proteins and healthy fats! It’s so hard to say no to sugars, so when desperate, I try to go towards the natural sugars (honey, xylitol, etc.), because if I don’t, it results in inflammation and feeling sluggish. Also, I recommend loads of water to promote glowing skin and avoid water retention! Although this might all be beneficial for aesthetic reasons, it’s also preserving your body long-term for your career! Mental health is highly important, as this industry is mentally taxing when it comes to confidence and self-love. I practice meditation every day to promote self-worth and to help me stay grounded.

Describe each of the following in one word: who you are, what you value the most, and what you’d be if you were a food item.

Who you are - Firecracker

What you value most - Family

What you’d be if you were a food item - Peach

Thanks for taking the time, Bianca! The Kissing Booth 2 is now streaming on Netflix.

#entertainment spotlight #bianca bosch #the kissing booth 2

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flyinghome-againstthewind · 4 years ago

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the best by far is you: chapter 17

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For all the things my hands have held, the best by far is you - Cecilia and the satellite

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Summary: An exploration of Claire & Jamie’s story if their firstborn had lived and they had the chance to be parents together of wee Faith Fraser before the Battle of Culloden.

Chapter 17

Edinburgh

June 1746

Edinburgh proved difficult to search. One lone carriage was hardly something of note for residents of Edinburgh, and that besides, Claire was quite certain this was where that particular journey had ended. They had no way of knowing where in the city Jamie and Faith would’ve gone once they’d arrived. So they checked every tavern, inn, and boarding house they could find, hoping they weren’t too late, that Jamie and Faith hadn’t moved on to some other place.

It was once again the horse, of all things, that gave them hope.

They were walking through a bustling market when Fergus stopped so abruptly in front of Claire that she nearly knocked him over. “Fergus, what are you‒”

His gaze was frozen on something ahead. “It’s Donas, Milady.”

“What?”

He didn't wait another second and surged forward into the crowd, leaving Claire and Murtagh to scramble after him. When they caught up to him, they were both brought almost nose-to-nose with a black horse that was unmistakable to them.

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ,” Claire whispered tightly, eyes widening at the sight before her. Donas was tucked back into a stall just off the busy street, but his head swung curiously over the wooden gate.

She glanced about, trying to get her bearings. If Donas was here, then‒

“Get back!”

The three of them startled at the sharp voice, Claire’s hand flying to Fergus’s shoulder as if that could shield him. Off to their right, a man had appeared ‒ a blacksmith by trade if his gritty, grimy appearance was any indication. “Unless ye want tae lose a hand. That beast is the devil’s own.”

Donas reared back suddenly, as if he understood and took offense. Claire was used to the horse’s attitude, but his timing always was something else, she thought. The blacksmith only took this as confirmation of what he’d just said, nodding sharply toward the horse with wide-eyed suspicion.

“See? He kens it.”

“That is not‒” Fergus began. Claire squeezed his shoulder.

“Please, can you tell us where we might find the owner of this horse?”

The blacksmith’s gaze shifted over the three of them, considering. Finally, he folded his arms over his chest and leveled a withering gaze at Claire. “Ye’re lookin’ at ‘im.”

“What?” She balked. Her gaze flew back to Donas, looking him over more discerningly. It had to be him. Then…?

“When did you acquire him?”

“I dinna see why ye need tae know.”

It was clear the man was growing tired of them, but before Claire could respond, Murtagh had fired back a reply. “I dinna see what harm there is in answering the lass.”

The blacksmith hardly concealed his annoyance but threw his hands up in defeat. “If it’ll make ye leave. A man brought him ‘round last week and sold him to me‒”

Claire felt her breath leave her lungs in a rush. A week ago. They’d never been this close before. A light, buoyant feeling filled her.

“‒ under false pretenses, mind. Tha’ horse was docile as a wee lamb when he brought ‘im here. Soon as he’s gone, I was dealing wi’ a demon.”

“Maybe you should‒”

Whatever Fergus was about to say, Claire was certain it wouldn’t have been flattering. And she needed more from this conversation still.

“Last question and then we’re out of your hair.” She felt an odd flutter in her stomach at the thought of what answers they might be able to walk away with. “What can you tell me about the man who sold you the horse?”

They’d come to stay so long in Edinburgh that Faith’s understanding of “home” was beginning to solidify around the place they’d resided there: Mary’s aunt’s house. And while the streets were still crawling with soldiers, Jamie had gone so long without incident or recognition that the wariness was fading each time he stepped outside.

Mary's aunt had been hospitable in opening her home to Jamie and Faith when they arrived with Mary, though Jamie got the distinct impression that she wasn't exactly thrilled with this arrangement, given that she knew he was a Scot.

Still, it was a safe haven while they waited for sea passage to open up again.

Jamie entered the house, lugging his bundle of purchases, and was almost immediately greeted by Faith's high-pitch squeal from the other room. He paused, wondering if it was a squeal of excitement or some sort of fit.

There was a bustle of movement up ahead from the parlor and then Faith tumbled out into the hallway, tripping on the hem of her dress. It was new to her, an old dress belonging to one of Mary's cousins, and they were adjusting it for Faith.

"Da!"

Happy squeal, then.

He grinned broadly and dropped to one knee as Faith toddled over to him, nearly tripping again as she reached him. "Did ye behave for yer Auntie Mary, then?"

She didn't respond to him, only looped her slight arms around his neck and started to hang from him, giggling all the while.

"Alright then, ye wee fiend," he laughed, scooping her up as he moved to stand.

By now, Mary had appeared at the threshold and greeted him before they all moved into the parlor. Jamie noted that none of the other inhabitants of the house were in the room and breathed a sigh of relief. He was abundantly grateful to be able to keep Faith sheltered here, but he had no great desire for the company of near strangers ‒ especially those who looked down their nose at him.

“I’ve had a letter from my father,” Mary announced.

“Aye?”

“He’s sending my younger brother to escort me back to my father’s estate.”

Jamie nodded at that, though he wasn’t sure how he should feel. “And how did he take yer news?”

“Oh quite well,” Mary said swiftly. “I knew he would. Of course he wishes I wasn’t so recently widowed, since he’ll have to make arrangements for me to be married again. But there’s no shame in being widowed and with child.”

Jamie took a deep breath, ready to dive in on that comment, but thought better of interfering in her family matters and bit his tongue instead.

“Find everything you were looking for?” Mary asked.

“Oh aye.” Jamie pulled out the fresh ginger he’d purchased. There had been a number of items he’d needed to prepare for the upcoming voyage, but none quite so important as the very thing he held up for Mary to see. “For my seasickness,” he explained and then grinned ruefully. “Canna seem to so much as set foot on a ship wi’out getting sick.”

“Is it bad?”

“It’s no’ a pretty sight, I’m sure.”

“What will you do with Faith?”

Jamie’s gaze dropped to Faith in his lap and he swallowed roughly. “I dinna have much choice but to pray the ginger tea keeps me standing. I canna afford to get sick.”

Mary fell silent at that, her hands fidgeting restlessly in her lap.

But he knew even without her saying it that it was a foolish endeavor. He knew how sick he became on sea voyages and without anyone else with them, he ran the risk of becoming too sick to care for his child. But what other choice did he have?

“I could go with you.”

Mary’s words were spoken so softly, he almost didn’t catch them. His head snapped up and he stared at her. “You canna be serious.”

“Of course I’m serious!”

“It’s‒ I mean no offense to ye, Mary. It’s only… well, yer brother is already on his way and‒”

“That’s not a problem. I’ll just leave word here with my aunt telling him where we’ve gone. He can follow after and escort me back, same as he intended before.”

“That hardly seems fair to him. How old is the lad?”

Mary hesitated briefly. “George is fifteen, he’s old enough.”

Jamie swore under his breath. “We dinna even know where we’re headed yet. Could be as far as the colonies. And even if ye did accompany us on the journey and instructed yer wee brother to follow us… by time he arrives, ye willna be fit to make the journey again wi’ the bairn coming. You’ll have to have the baby in another country, alone.”

“I’ll be alone no matter where I am,” Mary pointed out and Jamie immediately regretted his words. “Doesn’t matter if I’m in Italy or France, the colonies or my father’s estate.”

Jamie sighed. “I still dinna like the idea. Ye’re finally safe here and under no obligation to help us further. I’m already indebted to ye for getting us this far. No, I couldna ask that of ye.”

“Good thing you didn’t ask then.” Mary straightened her spine. “And it’s… it’s me who’s indebted to you. If you hadn’t come to Inverness, I’d still be‒”

Jamie raised a hand in silent pleading. After all they’d been through since he’d knocked on her door in Inverness, there simply was no keeping score of how they’d aided one another. And he valued her friendship too highly to think of it as mere transactions.

He sighed loudly, hating the idea but seeing that determined look in Mary’s eye.

“Besides,” Mary added, “I’m not really doing this for you.”

He smiled cheerlessly, once again turning his gaze back to the red-headed toddler in his lap. For Claire, she’d said at the start. And it had never escaped his notice just how much Mary risked to repay Claire’s kindness, her friendship. “Well, I thank ye for it. Truly. Ye’re a good friend, Mary Hawkins.”

The evenings were always bittersweet in Edinburgh. It meant putting Faith to bed, a small routine that they’d carved out no matter where they were, and a time that Jamie always treasured. And it also meant once his child was asleep that there was nothing to preoccupy his mind, to keep his anguished thoughts at bay.

But before then, his complete attention was always on Faith.

“C’mere, lass.”

He scooped her up and headed toward the nursery where Faith slept. He felt her head rest heavy on his shoulder as they went, and her small hand patted his opposite shoulder gently.

He was helping her change into her nightgown when she sneezed. Three times in quick succession.

“Something tickling yer nose, a nighean?” he said lightly, though his hand went to her forehead and tried to gauge her temperature. Felt normal, but there was a small voice in the back of his mind ‒ Claire’s voice ‒ reminding him that unless the fever was very high, it was often hard to discern if someone had a fever by merely feeling for it.

Faith rubbed her nose with the back of her pudgy hand and looked up at him with glassy eyes. “Christ, I hope ye’re not sick.”

He took her wee face in his hands and pressed a kiss to her hairline, then rested his cheek there for a moment. She felt a little warm, but did that mean…?

Faith’s little hands wormed their way between them and pushed his face away. “No’ sick.”

He chuckled and pulled back, startled by her boldness, her certainty. A pint-sized force of nature, even if she was ‒ perhaps ‒ feeling under the weather.

But God in Heaven! He wished Claire was here for this. For all of it with Faith, but especially this. She would know better than him what to do if Faith got sick.

“Ye ready for bed then?”

She shook her head vehemently. “No’ yet, Da.”

“Not yet?”

Again, she shook her head, this time with a hint of a smile on her face. The more she learned to talk, the better she became at delaying her dreaded bedtime. She burst into a flood of speech ‒ not much of which was intelligible to Jamie, but she had something to say nonetheless ‒ which ended promptly with the word “story.”

“Ah. Ye’ll be wanting yer bedtime story then, is tha’ it?”

A curt nod from Faith.

“Aye, I can oblige ye there, mo chridhe.”

He stood and watched Faith scurry over to the small bed that was all her own. As was their nightly ritual, he situated Faith off to one side and pulled the covers up for her before carefully easing his six-foot-four frame onto the comically small bed, curled onto his side with his feet hanging over the ledge. A gentle breeze could’ve knocked him backwards off of the bed, but this was what he’d done the first night in this strange house when Faith had been too scared to sleep alone. Now, she slept well enough so long as he was there to tuck her in, give her a story. Once she was asleep, he would move her more towards the center of the bed before he left and retired to his own room.

“What story would ye like tonight, a nighean?”

“My mam?”

He exhaled a laugh. They were always about Faith’s mam. Even while he worried that Faith would never truly know Claire, it couldn’t stop him from wanting to talk about her to Faith. To help her understand the magnitude of Claire’s love for her, and that it wasn’t Claire’s fault that she wasn’t here now with Faith.

“Aye, I can tell ye about yer mam,” Jamie agreed softly. He started as he always did ‒ with a memory of Claire, whatever came to him in the moment. And he’d simply talk for as long as Faith needed, weaving one memory into another until he noticed her eyelids getting heavy, her breathing slowing to a steady rhythm.

“Ken yer mother was verra canny,” he prefaced his next story, slipping subconsciously into past-tense when he spoke of Claire. “What she didna ken about healing could fit in a shoe. After the Battle of Prestonpans, I was so weary and hurting ‒ got stepped on by a horse that day, ye ken, and och yer mam was furious wi’ me ‒ but I came back into the cottage to watch her, tending to the injured men. She was tireless and so determined…”

When Faith was finally out, he reached over and felt her forehead again, battling a sinking feeling that Faith truly was coming down with an illness. She’d been sniffling and sneezing, but that could be nothing. Or it could be the first sign of something more.

“A Dhia…”

He ached for Claire every minute of the day ‒ needed her like the very breath in his lungs ‒ but he’d never felt so wretchedly helpless without her until this moment. What would he do if Faith became sick?

Panic squeezed his heart in a vice grip. She was all he had now. Faith, still so wee and fragile, was the only thing keeping Jamie from careening off into the dark. And suddenly, he wasn’t even sure he could do this on his own.

He wanted to steal away back to the stones with Faith, to find some way to fix this. She should be with Claire ‒ she should’ve always been with Claire ‒ and it wasn’t right that they had been separated. That Faith couldn’t travel like her mother could.

Since he was a lad, he had a habit of speaking to his departed brother, Willie. Since Willie had been the oldest, he rightly should’ve been laird. So much of Jamie’s life growing up had been the result of Willie’s death. Honors that would normally befall the oldest son passed to Jamie instead, like fostering with his Uncle Dougal or continuing his studies in Paris. This had always been front of mind for Jamie, and when faced with a decision as Laird, he found it only respectful of Willie’s memory to ask his older brother’s thoughts on choices that should’ve been his to make.

Aye, the dead had a way of living with Jamie. He hadn’t only talked to Willie, but to the plovers along the shore, which legend said carried the souls of young mothers lost in childbirth. And he’d done this for years before he lost his da, but never once in the time since Brian Fraser’s death had he spoken to his father.

But suddenly, he found himself longing to pour his heart out to his departed father, in conversations he’d been too hesitant to have with the weight of Jamie’s misplaced guilt over Brian’s death. Suddenly, more than anything, he ached for one last conversation with his da.

“How did ye do it, Athair?” he whispered in the still room the question that had been plaguing him. He was intimately familiar with the pain his father would’ve suffered when his mam died. “How did you keep on living wi’out yer heart?”

The answer was there before him in the sleeping form of Faith. His father had survived for his and Jenny’s sakes, carried them through their grief and gave them hope. And though it felt impossible, though everything within him screamed that this wasn’t how it was supposed to be, Jamie would do the same for Faith as his father did for him. “I ken now the pain ye were trying to hide, Athair. But ye raised me and Jenny well despite it all. Help me do the same.”

His hand gently brushed over Faith’s wispy curls as he then addressed his sleeping child. “I’ve told ye plenty about yer mam, but nothing of my mam and da. We’ll need tae remedy that. Another time.”

He breathed in deep and then sighed heavily. “My da only ever kent me as a lad. Sometimes I wonder… if he saw me as I am today, would he be proud of me now? Would he approve of who I’ve become? And would I be much different from who I was before... or would he still recognize me as his son?”

His thumb softly stroked at her hair just above her temple before tucking a few wayward locks behind one tiny ear. “But I look at ye, Faith, and… there’s nothing ye could do that would ever change how I love ye. How I’m bursting at the seams with pride o’er ye. And that’s one thing I ken my da would’ve been very proud of,” he shifted slowly and pressed a kiss to Faith’s head before he finally stood, “My bairns.”

It had been a week since they’d found Donas and they still didn’t have a crumb of information for where Jamie and Faith might be.

“Would it have been better to wait at Lallybroch in case he sent word? Before we went trampling across the country in search of him…” Claire wondered aloud.

“That would have taken months to wait for news to arrive.” Murtagh eyed her protruding belly, just starting to appear noticeable to others under all her layers of clothing. “Ye dinna have that kind of time to wait around.”

Claire sighed. “Aren’t we just waiting here, until we find a trace of him? Doesn’t feel much different.”

Murtagh didn’t reply, just made that Scottish sound low in the throat and eased into a chair.

There was a boyish shout from outside and Claire’s gaze flickered over to the window. Fergus was out in the street with another boy, playing some sort of game. She’d told him to go run some energy off after he’d been driving her up a wall all afternoon within the cramped confines of their rented room. They’d had no lead on Jamie even after finding Donas and that had hit Fergus hard. But even worse had been walking away without the horse that Fergus had loved so dearly ‒ all the time wondering why Jamie had sold him in the first place.

“What if they’re already gone from here? How long do we wait ‒ how long can we wait before the money is gone?”

They’d had no collateral of their own to offer up for the horse and even though they had some money ‒ money that they’d carefully skimped and saved during their journey before arriving in Edinburgh ‒ it wouldn’t last forever.

Murtagh grunted softly again. He’d heard her, he just didn’t have an answer.

Claire had even tried offering her services as a healer here when they first arrived. But Edinburgh was a bustling Lowland city, not a remote Highland village, and where those small populations would flock to Claire, the people of Edinburgh turned their nose up at her ‒ a strange woman they had no cause to trust or even to need in a large city such as this. So even the small hope of word getting out to Jamie of a Sassenach woman healer had quickly been dashed.

Her gaze sought out Fergus again and her heart sank in her chest. She wasn’t sure how much more disappointment they could shoulder before it became all too much. Or how much longer they could search before the only obvious solution was to turn home for Lallybroch.

Her hand fell to her belly. Murtagh was right about that at least. They didn’t have all that much time before there would be a baby to consider as well.

The ports had reopened in Edinburgh ‒ but not without British control over what came in and out of the harbor. The sale of Donas helped provide enough to book passage on a ship, but they’d had to be careful in arranging it. Jamie had begun to notice the new broadsheets going up around Edinburgh and among them, one for Red Jamie. No doubt as the dust from Culloden began to settle, his disappearance hadn’t gone completely unnoticed.

He had followed the captain of a cargo ship recently docked in Edinburgh into a tavern one night. The captain ‒ a Scot through and through ‒ and Jamie swapped tales over drinks well into the night and only once he was sure the good captain had been plied with enough drink to make him amiable did he bring up the request to book passage with him.

“Ye dinna even ken where we’re going,” the captain laughed, his cheeks ruddy from drink.

Jamie laughed too, though he realized he’d made a misstep. That it might sound more suspicious now than if he’d learned of the destination first. Instead he tried to play it off as being cavalier. “Tell ye the truth… it doesna really matter where ye’re going, so long as it’s away from here.”

The captain chuckled and shook his head. They negotiated the price and sealed the deal there at that tavern table. “Write yer names down for me. I’ll have them added to the ship’s manifest. We sail in three days. Dinna be late.”

“And where are we sailing for?” Jamie finally asked.

“Och I thought it didna matter!” The captain roared with laughter again and Jamie reminded himself he couldn’t strike the captain that was giving him a way out of Scotland.

The captain stood to his feet, a bit wobbly at first try. Jamie thought of Mary and how she planned to leave a letter for her brother to be able to follow. How could he follow if he didn’t know where they went?

He opened his mouth to speak, but the captain clapped him hard on the shoulder and said, “Le Havre, man. We’re only going so far as Le Havre.”

In three days’ time, Jamie, Mary, and Faith were at the docks ‒ Jamie with his hair recently dyed black to cover his roots and Faith with her red hair tucked under a bonnet and then the hood of her cape as a precaution.

They would need to be allowed past by the Redcoat checking the ship’s manifest, the only hurdle standing between them and freedom. And having spoken with the captain that night in the tavern, they couldn’t fall back on their old gimmick of Jamie-as-a-mute. But this was a calculated risk he knew he would take, hoping that the time and miles between here and Culloden would be enough to shed any suspicion that he might be Red Jamie.

“Name?”

He met the eye of the Redcoat staring him down. “Alexandre Beauchamp,” he said evenly, letting a little bit of his admittedly imperfect French accent bleed into his thick Highlander dialect in hopes that it would at least confuse him. Off the surprised look from the man, he added with an easy smile, “I get that look a lot. My father was a Frenchman but my mother a Scot. Ye can see for yerself which side I favored in looks.” He could hide the red hair, but the towering height, the build of a man descended from Vikings… that could not be so easily hidden.

“And your companions?”

“My daughter, Faith Beauchamp, and Mary Hawkins.”

The man’s gaze flicked between Jamie and Mary, and though Jamie’s heart felt as though it might beat right out of his chest, this conversation was flowing exactly as he’d anticipated. They were almost through.

“And your relation to Mistress Hawkins?”

“My late wife’s sister. She’s accompanying me to care for my child.” It wasn’t terribly far from the truth ‒ and it was a necessity now to be able to explain why Faith called her Auntie Mary.

“And your reason for journeying to Le Havre?”

“My father’s family is there. My grandfather is in poor health and I must return.”

The Redcoat looked him in the eye again and Jamie knew what question came next. “And are you a Jacobite or have you ever aided the Jacobites in any way, Mr. Beauchamp?”

“No.” He was met with a look of vague suspicion and he mustered every ounce of easy confidence into next words. “I am not nor have I ever been a Jacobite, or a Jacobite sympathizer for that matter. And I never aided their cause in any way. I am loyal to the crown.”

The Redcoat quirked one eyebrow at that and Jamie felt his stomach twisting into knots. “They all say that… now.”

But with a quick jerk of his head, the Redcoat dismissed them. Jamie blinked, stunned for a moment that it had been that easy. Because even without proof… the Redcoats could have treated him any way they wanted. That was their claim as victors. They didn’t need a reason to not let him through and that had been the one variable Jamie couldn’t have planned for ‒ the mercy of a Redcoat.

He shifted Faith to one arm and moved past the man, ushering Mary ahead of him up the gangway to the ship.

“Sir! Wait.”

He froze, hearing the Redcoat’s voice ring out. Mary stopped too and whirled around to look back at him. His hold on Faith tightened and he turned slowly.

The Redcoat stared at him curiously.

Jamie forced a smile. “Have I forgotten something?”

“As a matter of fact…” the man held out his hand. In his palm was Sawny, which Jamie had given to Faith to keep her occupied. She must’ve dropped it.

“Ah. I thank ye, Corporal.” He grabbed Sawny and handed it back to Faith. “I would’ve had a verra unhappy child on my hands had that been left behind.”

He wasted no time waiting for a response and turned with Faith to head back up the gangway where Mary still stood. “Let’s go,” he uttered under his breath when they reached her. The sooner they could be at sea, the safer he would feel.

What he hadn’t expected to feel was the loss.

He held Faith in his arms as he stood by the railing and watched Edinburgh fade farther and farther away. Watched his homeland fade away, knowing they’d likely never return.

“Christ,” he muttered, blinking fast against the unexpected sting of tears.

Faith stretched her arm out in front of her, towards land, and waved.

“Ye saying goodbye, a leannan?”

“G’bye,” she echoed in a soft, song-like voice.

Ah but he would do it all again in a heartbeat for her, no matter the cost. It was always for her, for her wellbeing and chance at a happy life.

She grinned up at him ‒ not a trace of sickness, though they’d dealt with the sneezing and runny nose for a few days before she was back to her usual self. “Ken you’re mine, a nighean, but ye dinna have to rub my nose in it that yer stomach is as hearty as a sailor’s,” he teased her before moving below deck, where Mary was waiting. His stomach was already rolling and it was only a matter of time…

July 1746

Claire was writing a letter to Jenny ‒ an update without much news, but she still wanted to keep Jenny apprised ‒ when Murtagh burst into the room, startling her violently.

“Jesus Christ!”

Without giving her much time to recover, he dove breathlessly into the reason for his unsettling arrival.

“I just spoke with a deckhand down at the docks, just come back from Le Havre.” Murtagh’s eyes were aglow and Claire tried to temper the hope buoying in her chest. “He said he remembers someone that looked like Jamie who booked passage on the ship last time they came through here. Said he was sick as a dog the whole trip… and he had a wee lass with him.”

Claire was trembling and her simple question came out in a frantic whisper. “When?”

Murtagh smiled broadly, his chest still heaving as he tried to get the words out without stopping for a breath. “Just last month. They’re in France, a nighean. We found them.”

She hardly recalled how she went from sitting at the desk to being wrapped up in an almost painful hug from Murtagh, shouting with joy to keep herself from bursting into tears.

“What’s going on?”

She pulled away from Murtagh to see Fergus enter the room, concern etched into his face.

“What happened?” he asked.

Claire couldn’t keep the smile from her face even as her vision misted over with tears. Not just for her joy of being reunited with Jamie and Faith, but for Fergus’s as well. “Murtagh found them, love. We’re going home!”

When Fergus ran to embrace her, she nearly stumbled backwards from the impact of it. She cupped the back of his head and held him tight, rocking slightly.

“We’re going home.”

“D’ye have everything then, Mary?”

“I believe so.”

Jamie turned to help Mary up into the carriage. Upon arriving in France, they’d gone first to Jamie’s Uncle Alexander at the Abbey of Ste. Anne de Beaupré, that being the closest and safest place to turn to. Jamie and Faith meant to stay on at the abbey a bit longer, but Mary needed to return to Paris, to her aunt and uncle who would welcome her into their home until her younger brother arrived.

“Wait. No. I did forget something in my room.” Mary turned and stepped down from the carriage. “I’ll be right back,” she yelled over her shoulder.

“It’s alright, lass. We have time.”

“Jamie!”

He turned to find his uncle exiting the abbey, making a path towards him. “Aye?”

“We’re expecting a delivery to the abbey today. Could you help them unload when it arrives?”

“Aye of course.”

It wasn’t long after his uncle had left him that he noticed the wagon jolting down the dirt road towards the abbey.

Nobody saw what spooked the horse pulling the wagon as it neared the carriage.

It happened too fast, the one horse trying to buck itself free of the wagon, and the team of horses hitched to the carriage panicking as a result.

One moment, Jamie was standing beside a carriage and the next, he was flat on his back with a searing pain in his leg and a crushing weight pinning his body down.

And then it all went black.

#jamie x claire #outlander #outlander fic #faith fraser #tbbfiy #the best by far is you #my fic #OL fic

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alicenpai · 4 years ago

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ask: some thoughts on finding “style”

ANOTHER ANSWER THAT WAS TOO LONG FOR CURIOUS CAT, I’VE ETERNALIZED IT ON TUMBLR!

anon asked, “Hi I love the way you stylize characters! I constantly am experimenting with different drawing styles, I really want to find a style im happy with but I just cant seem to find something that sticks. Id like to know Is this a normal part of finding a style? did you experience something similar to get to your current style? sorry if these questions are kinda weird but thank you if you do answer!“

hi anon! I'm not sure I'm the right person to ask bc all of my work looks .. vastly different.. but thank you I'm trying to solidify my look a lil more and go through an upheaval this summer ^^;

edit oct 2021: i attached an image here to display all of the different “styles” i work in (and also for visual appeal, otherwise this post is 100% text)

if you came here looking for tips on how to draw characters in your style, while keeping likeness.. i’m sorry if i misinterpreted the question GDHDGJDFJDGJ maybe i will write on that another day if people are interested? apticho wrote some really good stuff here in the meantime ^^ (snippet above)

--- ---

// part 1: gathering inspiration

hi anon, that's totally normal! it's okay to go through a lot of different looks in your art, both in a short or long period of time. it’s also perfectly alright to be unsure and insecure about your art/style. some people know where they want to go from the get go, but be patient, and i know if youre a younger artist, it’s easy to be envious of others who seem to have a consistent look throughout their work. I know I did!! i still do!!

i’m going to be talking about my ideas about style and content below.

edit oct 2021: one of the easiest things that will help you build a style is to just gather inspiration material. that’s it! keep a separate insp/reblog tumblr blog, save images on your phone/computer (keep it organized in folders as much as possible! i know it can be hard haha...), make moodboards formore ambitious drawings. or just make moodboards for fun. do all of these things or only do 1, it doesn’t matter.

I like to archive all/most of the art that I like. I know pinterest is awful for many reasons, but more often than not I find some really good artists through there (and i follow them too!). I’m a messy person by nature, so I like the way you can organize content on there, esp with subfolders. I label folders like “character design, anime styles i like, cartoon/visdev styles i like, lighting, photos of faces, pose reference” etc.

edit oct 2021: i also like to keep folders of the artists i like on my phone (easy access compared to computer..). consider what you like about their style. is it the way they draw eyes? the colour and light? their line weight? character interaction? dynamic poses? angst? all of these things combined come together to create a “style”.

// part 2: analyzing artists

both the LOOK and the CONTENT are important factors in one’s own style. someone else may draw using the same brushes etc like me, but unless they have the same personal values, you can tell who’s who. For example, they might draw more action-y poses, something im not good at. This is a bit controversial but whenever there are certain popular artists in certain circles, a lot of people may be inspired by them, and you can see a lot of the popular artist’s work in their fans! it can be both a good or a bad thing - take what you will. Anyways, another example: a lot of artists back in the golden age of American illustration (late 1800s to mid 1900s) drew quite similarly. let’s look at some examples to pick out what sets them apart. I used some really distinct examples but you can apply this idea for other artists too.

Here’s Norman Rockwell. He’s quite well known and I’m sure you’ve seen some of his art if you live in the western hemisphere, he was commissioned for a lot of magazines and other places. style: I would personally characterize his work as realistic and painterly. content: heavily focused on interaction and expression - sometimes a bit funny - but these are expressions that feel completely natural, and dont fall into the uncanny valley. This is what differentiates his art from other golden age artists, and his work is unique IMO, even if it’s realistic in nature.

Here’s Earl Oliver Hurst. style: His work is cartoony, but not flat, bold black ink, and has a really great sense of the “line of action”. content: he drew a lot of pretty men and women (probably because they were commissioned for magazines and advertisements), and they’re usually doing recreational activities like sports or posing in fashion shoots. I love his work and I think more people should know about him!! definitely in my top 10.

Here’s Mead Schaeffer. style: His work is moody, the colour palettes can range from monochromatic to a full palette, and with an amazing sense of depth, light, and shadow. content: he usually draws people in shadow, and their full facial features may not even be visible, he uses shadow to only indicate facial features are present - what a master! His work is also very dramatic; both men and women are in perilous situations in his work. The sense of light and shadow go hand in hand with the content that he depicts.

other noteworthy names: Dean Cornwell, J.C. Leyendecker, Thomas Blackshear (absolutely recommend him!), female illustrators are hard to come by but here is a list!

a contemporary artist example:

This fire emblem awakening drawing by katy/inktho (wonder if reposting is OK for educational purposes?). style: the family atmosphere is heightened by the soft, neutral light, and the warm, rustic, homely decor. i would characterize this artist’s style as warm, and they excel at drawing character expressions and interaction. content: This drawing speaks a lot to me - even though I've only played a bit of FE:A, I can really feel the family bond between these characters. The interaction feels natural, lighthearted, and playful. I think that's the power of telling stories in your art, if it's told well, people will enjoy it no matter if they know the characters or not.

Moving on... I know i share this drawing all the time. I know! but i wanted to share the moodboard we were required (i think?) to post in the zine discord server. as you can see there’s both the LOOK that i focused on, as well as reference for the CONTENT (foliage + clothing). my vision for this 2 page spread was “victorian greenhouse fashion spread”. the look and the content are 2 things came together to form this “style”.

// part 3: art you like vs the art you want to draw

some artists i look up to: rei_17, yoneyama mai, mochizuki jun, ask, emmmerald, xanthe bouma, sara kipin, apticho, just to name a few.

another note for reference material: moving further, there's certainly a difference between art you enjoy, and art that you wanna draw. it’s okay to have a disconnect between those two things! art is broad and you can’t cover the entire spectrum. it’s okay if you see an artist with a broader range than you. but they similarly can’t cover everything either, they’re also human.

for me, I like a lot of different art styles, ranging from like, the baroque period, to the mid 20th century golden age of american illustration, UPA cartoons, french comics, to gritty 80s, 90s, 00s anime. however, I wouldn't say I draw like any of them. there are so many drawings I see where I go "wow I want to paint like that!" or "I want to do lineart like that!" or "I want to do lineless like that!" ..... I think my work ends up looking more like a person who grew up with both anime and western cartoon influences and mixed them together.

but I think eventually I drove myself nuts !!! thinking that I want to draw like every artist whose work popped up on my feed. and on top of that, I think I became a lil unhinged when I focused too much on "fandom" in the past. I talked to a few friends about this, and we all agreed we had a few favourite artists who we love, no matter what they draw.

// part 4: style vs content (how this applies to my own work)

*instead of focusing on the "look" or "style" of my work, currently I'm focusing more on "content" - try to find out what kind of TOPICS you want to draw FIRST, and I believe that the style you choose will fall in place!! right now I want to try my hand at depicting character interaction, and the scene/world they live in - so, telling stories. i’m moving away from the cartoony, flat styles i sometimes worked in during my first 2 years of animation school. now that i’m older, i feel that i want to involve more dimension in my art, and the flatter styles, although fun, just don’t cut it for me anymore.

i also am stepping a bit away from my lineless work, if you look at the image below, there are a lot of details that got lost from the sketch -> local colours -> final with relative colours. it’s a style i worked in a lot, but over time i felt increasingly frustrated that i could not depict emotions as clearly. my lineless work has a strong focus on aesthetics, but i want to focus more on facial expressions, body language, and most importantly, atmosphere, moving forward. as i focused more on those things, i naturally went back to my more anime style.

this is the kind of content i want to get better at, and by narrowing down my content, the style i wish to work in falls in place!!

some examples of old stuff VS where my work looks a bit more anime or comic influenced as of late:

^ 2020 portfolio work (OC)

^ 2018 (OC)

2018 (ace attorney)

2021 (pandora hearts)

2021 (ace attorney)

moral of the story: find your content first, then your style will fall in place.

i don’t really have any closing thoughts other than i hope that can help inspire you!!

#ask #anonymous #tutorial #edits in oct 2021 #made some things more cohesive and added some new thoughts

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kuroopaisen · 4 years ago

Text

03:22 am || sugawara koushi

➵ existentialism doesn’t have to be depressing.

wc: 2292

warnings: gn!reader, philosophical talk (I’m so sorry), existentialism

a/n: sorry for rambling so much about existentialism dslfk i was doing my best to get into the 3am mindset

The stars aren’t particularly bright, but you’re grateful that you can even catch a glimpse of them. Your apartment’s balcony is only small, and you can only see so much unobstructed sky. What you can see of the constellations are bleached by the city lights, but that hasn’t dampened either yours or Suga’s desire to stargaze. The two of you cuddle up on a dingy banged-up couch, barely big enough to fit both of you. Not that either of you care.

Suga seemed particularly unphased, littering quick kisses across the side of your face.

“Koushi,” you chuckle, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Hm?” A peck to your cheek.

“Are you quite alright?”

“I’m just peachy.” A kiss to your temple.

“Do you want something?” You giggle, turning your head to look at him straight.

“Nothing,” he beams, pressing his lips to your nose.

You grin, kissing his own nose in response.

You take a moment to admire him, bringing a hand up to cup his cheek.

He looks a bit like starlight personified, all silver hair and round, bright eyes. He’s got one of those smiles that lights up his whole face, crinkling his eyes in the most endearing way.

Those kind eyes of his were one of the things that had drawn you to him at first. Initially, your intentions had been purely platonic. But how weren’t you supposed to fall in love with this boy made of starlight?

“What’re you thinking about?” You ask, smoothing a thumb over his cheek. He smiles at you, those beautiful eyes of his touched with a hint of melancholy.

“Nothing.”

“You’re thinking about something,” you smile. “You’ve got that look in your eyes.”

His eyes are kind, warm, gentle. But they’re perhaps a bit more expressive than he’d like.

Suga grins, shaking his head. “I was a fool to think I’d get anything by you, huh?”

“Good to see you’re learning your lesson,” you tease. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “I’m just… thinking about the inherent meaninglessness of life.”

You snort, but you’re not surprised. This isn’t unusual for him. “That doesn’t sound like ‘alright’.”

“Oh, but it is,” Suga grins, looking you directly in the eyes. “It’s great.”

“Why?”

“I get to do whatever I want,” Suga shrugs. “It doesn’t matter if there’s no greater meaning to any of it. I get to live my life in a way that makes me happy.”

“What makes you happy, then?” You ask, smoothing the top of his head.

“You,” he fires back immediately, a cheeky grin on his lips.

“That’s a cop-out,” you snort, poking his nose.

“I just…” He sighs, turning his gaze back to the faint stars. “I just want to do right by the people around me.”

“That’s wonderful,” you smile. There’s such beautiful sincerity in his eyes.

“It sounds cheesy,” Suga scoffs, his cheeks tinged pink.

“So?” You ask.

His blush deepens as he meets your eyes. “Well… you know…”

You’re well-aware of what the concern is, but you’ve decided to mark it down as ‘silly.’

“If you’re going to be a nihilist, you may as well be nice about it,” you shrug. “Nothing’s worse than being an asshole who’s rude to people because ‘life is meaningless’ and ‘humans are just base animals’ or whatever.”

Suga chuckles at your rather accurate impression of a man in a first-year philosophy degree.

“Just don’t start quoting Nietzsche at me,” you grin.

“I would never,” Suga scoffs. “It’s gotta be Kierkegaard.”

“Wasn’t he just… really sad?” You ask, tilting your head at him.

“He hated democracy.”

“He did?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

Suga shrugs. “I dunno. I just know he did.”

You giggle, shaking your head. “Good to see you’ve been paying attention in class.”

“Look,” Suga raises a hand, “I found that out when I was just scouring the net, okay?”

“Mhm…”

“Philosophy is supposed to make you think about life, not some guy’s opinion on democracy, okay?” Suga grins.

“You have to write a dialogue, right?” You ask. You remember him telling you about it, but you can’t quite recall what he’s actually supposed to do.

He nods. “Yeah.”

“Are you arguing with Nietzsche?”

He laughs. “Not sure yet.”

“I think you should,” you hum. “I’d laugh.”

“I can’t believe my assignment is basically me writing fanfiction about me and Diogenes hanging out,” he grins.

“Actually yeah, write about him,” you snort. “I, too, would like to find an honest man.”

Suga chuckles. “Unfortunately, that’s not gonna help me get a good mark.”

“You’re going to get a good mark,” you say, pouting at him. “You always do.”

“Bold of you to put that much confidence in me,” he scoffs. “I haven’t even started writing it yet.”

“Have you planned it out?”

“Kind of?”

“Well, what’s your key argument?” You ask. You enjoy talking to him like this; unpicking his brain, finding out what he thought about the world. He always had something interesting to say, a thought to share about life in general.

“I mean…” Suga sighs. “I always sorta figured that if life doesn’t inherently mean anything, then we’ve got a choice, right?”

“A choice?”

“Yeah.”

“What do you mean?” You shift yourself in his lap, your legs now dangling over the armrest.

Suga pauses, pressing his lips together for a moment. “Well… you’re not morally beholden to anyone, right?”

“Uh huh…” You nod slowly.

“So… why wouldn’t you want to choose to do the kind thing? It’s not hard.”

You bite your lip. “But if you’re not ‘morally beholden’ to anyone, then what’s the point of being kind?”

“You know… it’s the decent thing to do.” He raises an eyebrow at you. “And it feels good.”

“But why?”

“Do you disagree with me?”

“No,” you laugh, shaking your head. “I’m just trying to help you solidify your argument.”

“Ah, playing devil’s advocate, I see,” he grins.

You flick him in the forehead gently. “How dare you.”

“I’m just waiting for you to destroy me with facts and logic,” he teases, grinning at you. His eyes are much brighter now, twinkling with mirth.

“Well,” you smile, running your fingers through his hair. “Presuming I did destroy you with facts and logic, then what would you say in response?”

“Okay,” Suga sits up a little straighter, a determined glint in his eyes. “You know the whole ‘existence precedes essence’ thing, right?”

“Kind of?”

“Well, the basic principle is that we exist before anything else,” he begins. “That sounds obvious, but what it’s trying to get at is that our consciousness exists before anything else. There is no ‘essential nature’ to any of us.”

“Right,” you nod.

“So, we create our own values, our own meanings, because we don’t have any inherently,” he continues. “We have to make them ourselves, and that’s how we give our existence significance.”

You hum in response.

“A lot of people get kind of down if they believe there’s no inherent meaning to life, but that just means there so much more freedom. And there’s power in that freedom.”

“What do you mean, exactly?” You ask. You’ve had these sorts of conversations before, but he’s been getting better and better at articulating himself. If anything, he seems relieved by it.

“The essential meaninglessness of life isn’t a burden, it’s a chance to define ourselves and where we want to go,” he continues.

“Mhm,” you nod, paying him the attention he deserves.

“We may be meaningless in the grand scheme of the universe, but that means we’re free.”

“How so?” You ask.

He considers your question for a moment, a tiny pout on his lips. “We’re not inherently ‘good,’ but we’re not inherently ‘selfish’ either. We get to choose.”

“Right,” you nod. “But… won’t some people find that overwhelming?”

“What do you mean?” He asks.

“Isn’t that just the whole absurdity thing?” You’re trying to find the right words, to call on all the concepts you remember him telling you about. You may be no philosophy student, but you know Suga won’t judge. “You know, the… the contradiction between finding meaning and purpose in an inherently chaotic and meaningless world?”

“Oh, right,” he nods. “Well… the absurd itself isn’t the problem, per se. If anything, one of the best things you can do is to accept that absurdity, even if it’s difficult.”

“Yes, life is absurd,” he stresses. “Yes, it can be hard to find the motivation to press on when you feel that life is meaningless.”

You wonder, for a moment, if he’s speaking from experience.

“The idea is that you live on in-spite of that,” he smiles. “It’s like a big middle finger to a universe that doesn’t care about you.”

“So… by deciding what matters to you is a way of biting back at a world that doesn’t care?”

“Exactly!” He beams. “Freedom means we create our own meanings, and can find satisfaction in our lives by figuring out what we really want and how we feel we should live best,” he continues. “And it means that instead of having to worry about our ‘inherent, essential goodness’, we get to define ourselves by our actions -- people can claim that humans are inherently selfish, but we’re not.”

He’s glowing now, eyes shining and cheeks bright. He really is beautiful. And good. So, so good.

“Because neither behaviour is encoded in us, we’re responsible for the choices we make. We choose to be cruel, or we choose to be kind. We can choose to be good.”

“And you think most people would do that?” You ask.

“I’m not naive,” he sighs, “but I do think most people would want to do right by others. Not all. But most.”

He takes a deep breath, looking to the sky once more. You follow his gaze upwards.

“I just…” His voice is quiet now, almost as if he’s praying. “We’re all thrown into this absurd world, and we can make it easier for one another.”

You press a gentle kiss to his temple, your heart feeling fuzzier than ever.

Suga looks at you with the gentlest smile, a bright spark in his eyes. “We can bear the burden of the human condition together and show each other compassion.”

You run a hand through his hair, massaging his scalp with the tips of your fingers.

He closes his eyes and leans into your touch, still smiling. “And the way I see it… if there’s no inherent meaning or purpose to the way things are, then there’s no reason to succumb to suffering.”

“That’s a bit bold of you,” you chuckle.

“I’m not saying that suffering is unavoidable or anything, but I mean, like…” He frowns, trying to unpick the implications of his own words. “Of course, there’ll be things you can’t escape and things that’ll fucking suck. I just mean that... You don’t have to do anything. In that sense, you can pursue what you want to pursue, prioritise the things that make you happy…”

“I see.”

“I’m not saying that life’s a free-for-all either. Like, I’m not saying that it’s okay for people to be awful to each other,” he continues. “And I understand that the world we live in places limits on us and what we can conceivably do…”

“What, like the… struggling artist thing?” You clarify.

“Yeah,” he nods. “I know that it’s not that simple and everything won’t work out just because you want it to. I just think… if it makes you happy then… then it’s worth a try.”

He sits back in the chair, sinking into the cushions. “But… I don’t know,” he sighs. “It’s hard to articulate.”

“That’s okay,” you smile. “You’re making sense to me.”

He chuckles, shaking his head. “Unfortunately, I’m not sure if my tutors have that same insight into my brain.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself,” you giggle, shifting yourself in his lap. “Can you think of a good one-liner?” You ask, tilting your head at him.

“Hm…” He muses for a moment, tilting his head upwards. “At the end of the day, I just think that… we have a choice to be kind. Why wouldn’t you be?”

You laugh. “Why would you say something so brave and yet so controversial?”

“Isn’t that meme outdated now?”

“I don’t know,” you shrug. “I can never keep up with what the young people are doing these days.”

He snorts. “What are you, seventy-two?”

“In body, no,” you shake your head. “But in spirit?”

“Great, I’m dating a geriatric.”

“You knew this going into it,” you giggle. “I’ve just been burdened with age. There’s no space in my heart for optimism anymore.”

“That’s a lie and you know it,” Suga grins, gazing at you fondly.

“I like that about you,” you smile, smoothing a thumb over his cheek.

“I just think that there’s a lot of good out there if you look for it,” he shrugs, his words earnest and sincere. “I know the world isn’t that simple and that there’s plenty of horrible things too, but…” He chews his lip, eyes softening as he once again looking to the sky. “I want to contribute to the world as best as I can.”

You watch him as he watches the stars. You wonder if he knows he’s the brightest amongst them. If he knows how much joy and light, he’s brought to everyone who’s had the privilege of loving him. It’s a gift to be counted amongst them.

You’ve been told that people are made of stardust, but Suga makes you believe it.

You lean in and press a gentle kiss to his cheek, letting the warmth in your chest diffuse through your body. “I love you.”

He smiles at you, and you’re sure he can outshine the moon.

“I love you too.”

#suga x reader #sugawara x reader #sugawara koushi x reader #sugawara koushi x you #sugawara x you #suga x you #haikyuu x reader #fluffvember 2020

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monomonomagines · 4 years ago

Text

Prompt #23 Caramel Apples with Ryoma

While there were plenty of fun fall activities to head out to do on date night, Ryoma was normally the person who'd rather have a night in with you. It wasn’t that he hated going out per se but rather that being around all the large crowds and all could make him a bit uncomfortable at times. He was closed off and didn’t really concern himself with the hustle and bustle of the big festivals nor did he desire anything that was of high value unless you were counting that by a scale of intrinsic value.Yes, Ryoma was just content getting to be close to you in your shared apartment with your pet cat where you two were safe and sound, as if you were in a space that was fully secluded from the outside world.

There was no way you’d ever drag him away from the safety and warmth that he had at home. Even if it was tempting to, you knew that if you were going to be enjoying any of the typical fall festivities you’d be far better off bringing the fun home and directly to Ryoma rather than making him go out. Thus, came about the idea to make some caramel apples together where you knew he was sure to have fun.

It didn’t take much time at all with the kits available at the store to finish shopping for the necessary ingredients you needed so by the time you finished with set up it was rather easy to get started. All you had to do was to clean off the apples, stick a skewer into them, and heat the caramel so that you can dip them in it. Seems easy enough you thought so may as well just jump in head first after you decide how to split the work between the two of you.

You knew of course how Ryoma tended to dislike working in the kitchen at times with his height causing so many problems for him even with all the stools and other items you had to help him so you both decided to give him what you thought was the easier of the tasks. He’d wash and skewer apples while you’d head the caramel mixture.

As you grabbed all the ingredients to set next you on the counter closest to the stovetop you gave him a smile, happy to see that this didn’t seem to stress him too much.

“Hey, you gonna be ok with those apples all by yourself?” You quip, struggling not to let out a small giggle as he keeps a rather straight face.

“I’ll be fine. Are you going to be fine working with all that hot caramel? There’s been a few close calls when we’ve cooked before.” He replies smoothly, saying it in a half teasing manner and half remindful one so that you would remember not to get too careless even if your task seemed to be an easy one.

It was embarrassing to know that he did catch onto your mess ups but rather than let it get you down you instead laugh it off. “I’ll be fine! I promise so you can have fun skewering apples while I get this started!”

Of course, you wouldn’t call it “fun” necessarily to just do such a mundane activity as cooking alone but both of you seemed to reach the same sentiment that so long as the two of you were together even small things like cooking side by side weren’t simple tasks anymore. Now they were acts of love and kindness, something that you can end up doing with an effortless smile on your face as you think of the happiness it’ll bring the other.

Now with a small nod of understanding on each of yours end it was time to begin your task! Heating caramel as worded within the instructions on the back of the kit you had bought. First, add milk and the caramel mix, put it on high, and once it starts to come to a boil, put it on medium and let it start to solidify slightly. It certainly seemed like a lot when you first gave it a readover but it didn’t seem to be that many steps regardless. Now focusing on the mixture with utmost concentration, you add the necessary ingredients and turn on the stovetop. The only sound between the two of you being light banter, the sound of a skewer piercing the flesh of an apple here and there, and the low bubbling of the caramel mixture.

Within a fairly short amount of time though, the sounds on Ryoma’s end stopped as he walked over a tray of skewered apples ready to dip to you, having to hand them off to you so that he can go get his stool to help him see the stovetop from the same perspective as you.

“Done already?” You ask, surprised by his speed as the caramel mixture still didn’t do so much as continue to lightly bubble in the pot you were working in.

“Yeah, it doesn’t take much work to skewer a few apples.” He admits bluntly, looking over to the mixture himself. “Do you need any help with the caramel?”

Blushing a bit at how long your end is taking you shake your head. “Nah, nah! I think I’ll be ok so long as the mixture starts to boil.”

Not seeming to take your answer to heart though, Ryoma only continued to look down before returning his gaze to you and bluntly asking, “Isn’t there supposed to be milk in the caramel?”

Milk! That’s right you forgot to add it but you had it already out on the counter nearby. “You’re right! Can you hand me the measuring cup next to you?” You blurt out, flustered by your mistake.

“Sure.” Is all he replies, handing you the measuring cup as gently as possible, making sure not to let go until it was securely in your grasp.

“Thanks!” You reply, blushing as you add the milk and see the mixture instantly improve. “You’re definitely more on top of things than I am!” You joke, trying to cover your embarrassment as he shakes his head.

“I’ve just done this before.” He admits, his tone sounding more distant than usual. “I told you before, my girlfriend used to really like to make sweets so sometimes I’d watch her or help out.”

Feeling a tug on your heartstrings you take your eyes off the stove to face him, taking a small hand in your own and giving it a squeeze. “Is this too much for you? You could’ve told me if it’s too much.”

“I know I can. It’s not too much...really...it’s just that it’s been a while since I’ve done anything like this.” He replies, not elaborating though you can tell from the soft expression on his face that he’s doing ok. “Let’s just finish up the caramel apples and watch a movie like we planned ok? We can talk more about that later.”

You wanted to agree but rather than any words coming out all you could do was nod as you quickly gave him a small hug and peck on the cheek. You were happy to know that he felt comfortable around you enough to open up back then even if it wasn’t much. You knew how big of a step that was for him and decided that you may as well work even harder now to make this a great experience!

Turning down the heat as the caramel finally came to a roaring boil, you gently pluck a caramel apple from the tray Ryoma had brought over to you ready to try your hand at coating it in caramel the way you’ve had at pumpkin patches and festivals. With an encouraging but sleepy looking smile, Ryoma gives you a thumbs up as if you signal that now is the time, allowing you to take that first step and dip your first apple.

You admit you’re no five star chef but as soon as that first apple came up with a clean coat of caramel sitting pretty on it you were absolutely beaming at him, determined to make sure the others were sure to be as great of a result. Of course, it may seem a bit funny even to admit but with Ryoma watching over and coaching you on how to dip the apples it was a pretty easy process even if it felt as if he was something as silly as the ultimate caramel apple dipper and you were his trusty apprentice learning the trade for your first time. But regardless of any of those soft and silly moments shared or your few clumsy mistakes, you were happy to look at a successful tray of caramel apples now just waiting to be eaten.

“Ryoma, we did it!” You cheer, nearly hugging him off of his stool out of excitement and earring a small deep laugh from him.

“We did. You did a good job, S/o.” He praises giving you a small peck on the cheek this time as a small smile crosses his features once again. “How about we take a small break to enjoy them.”

Nodding in agreement with a small hum you smile at him sweetly as you pluck an apple in each hand and place one in his hand as gently as he had been with you earlier.

“To us!” You half joke, happily taking a bite into the fruits of your labor (literally).

Smiling as he watches you he can’t help but utter out something under his breath. “It’s sweet,” you think you catch though he hasn’t taken a bite out of his apple yet.

“What's sweet?” You inquire, tilting your head to the side like an inquisitive feline.

“Moments like this. I’m glad I met you, S/o.”

#danganronpa #danganronpa imagines #drv3 #danganronpa killing harmony #ryoma hoshi #ryoma x reader #october prompts #mod toko #Ryoma is one of my personal favorites so I always adore getting to write for him #I hope you all enjoy this one with some softer Ryoma moments that mention his past a bit more

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princess-of-the-corner · 4 years ago

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Ok here's a little bit more for the phantom Phamily AU idea just to get it out of my system for now. Just a bit of an expansion on all the other halfas in the family.

Vlad is mostly the same only instead of "clearly evil vampire" he kind goes for a more smooth gentleman design. Kind of like how the original idea of Dracula was that he's meant to seduce first, not terrify. Like his ghost self matches his canon human form more while his new human form is a bit more of a messy, casual scientist look.

For Jack I see him having a big of an earth/vibration core. Like his powers are that he's ridiculously sturdy to match his action based personality. He can shift the ground or send tremors. Sometimes he makes like these subtle telremors whenever he's super excited about something, kind of like when really big dogs get excited and their huge Tails thumb against the ground. I'm not sure what his ghost form could look like but maybe leaning towards being more armored and knight like. Like just something that screams quests and adventures.

Rounding out the fire and earth of her partners I see Maddie being more Water based. She's very patient and while she can be as reckless as Jack is sometimes, she's usually doing so with the confidence that she's relatively prepared for anything she does. She values versatility and adaptability which her water powers are great for. I think she might like a more mystical design and she's more flowy like a goddess or something. She has like this books and times in her ghost form that kind of materialize what she knows into physical forms.

Now for the kids. I think that since they were born as halfas their cores and obsessions work differently in that they kind of develop over time rather than having anything from birth. They're kind of affected by the environment and who they learn from just like any kid on development. So even though genetics doesn't play a role in their eventual obsessions they can still pick up peices kf their parents obsessions when their own develops. It's basically a discovery of who they are and once they have an idea of who they want to be, it solidifies alongside their powers and traits.

Jazz kind of took her mother's obsession with learning and curiosity and Vlad's desire for understanding and connection to develop her own obsession for wanting to help others through understanding and therapy. She's basically the reverse Spectra. Jazz is an empath that wants to help others understand their emotions and develop. When the ghost portal opens her obsession further solidifies into helping and understanding ghosts. I'm not sure about core but I'm thinking light as a sort of soothing beacon for those she wants to help. Her ghost design is probably more monk and Buddhist inspired as she trys to give off as much of a tranquil vibe as she can.

Danny is mostly the same as canon. He takes Vlad's desire for connections and Jack's desire for action and still ends up with the protector and guardian focus that he originally had. His ice core is sort of a result of him desiring a way to fight that's as nonlethal as possible. Ice to protect, heal wounds, for defenses and trap enemies etc. His suit is similar but leans more heavily into the superhero motif.

And finally Elle I'm seeing her mother's curiosity combined with Jack's more thrill seeking attributes to create a more explorer/wanderlust themed obsession. As a result of this her powers are more related to outright speed and movement. Maybe electricity but the element can more or less be whatever. I'm less sure about what ghost design she'd like the most.

Ok I think that's enough for now. If you want more, I'll see what else I can come up with.

I am in love my dudes

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unproduciblesmackdown · 3 years ago

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returning the favor: do you have any hcs re: winston, past or present, that you haven't expounded upon before or at length or just feel like talking about again. whatever you like

Thank You.......yeah idk really what hc's i've like "officially" described here that often lol, but then also there's that whole complication where i don't really ever come up with ideas & when asked anything i'm probably going [???] like, classics like "what do you like out of [broad parameter]" & it's like damn....i dunno. what ideas do i have about winsotn who i've thought about every day for > 2 yrs??? that's tough.....& Then the further chaos of like, when i do have hc's or w/e it's less discrete, concrete invented ideas & more towards the end of the spectrum that's like "well i kinda interpret this part of canon vaguely this way" &/or "i have This vague notion that i haven't solidified into a pretend fact or that i'm not at all committed to or take that seriously" where it's like, not only is this not really nailed down but it's basically free floating / i might have other ideas that would contradict each other lol. seems like a more concise list of Stats that are fully/exclusively my ideas is more exciting, but instead i can offer vague "i dunno / what ifs" based on vibes that i verbosely describe lmao, plus i'll forget a bunch of ideas i may have had i'm sure but you know. what else have i ever offered; never really trying to sell this material to otherwise uninterested parties or only make posts that guaranteed more than one person might enjoy, why would i be starting now; and ig if i write a bunch of stuff here & go "oh & i forgot like a half dozen obvious things" i can add on to it if it's a big deal.....plus it's always tricky with billions in particular being vague abt its own characters lmao, we only see [outside of work] personal stuff if it's going to become directly tied to [definitely at work] professional plotlines, or Maybe glimpse some character contextualizing things for the more central characters....side characters have more blanks to fill but also that means. just more that's blank lol & kinda a mystery of Up To Interpretation.....i figured one way to have any structure for this at all is to have a part looking at each winston involving episode's info. well anyways, after this meandering intro that kind of illustrates how i'm sure the rest of things will go here lol, i'm just gonna throw a bunch of stuff down in general. thanks again for the prompt to do so, b/c why not

really the one concrete discrete idea i have which isn't in the canon text is, of course: he is autistic

does he Know? idk. either way, think he's pretty aware of how he operates (& how he Can't operate), but if he doesn't know that's probably more for the "also: he's self loathing, which was basically textually implied" stuff lol. just mentioned it but i do always enjoy the tayston idea that taylor's talking abt in the past having it floated by a therapist/s or whomever that they could be autistic, them considering it but it not applying; winston going "hmm" & doing his own considering & researching & then maybe exclusively sharing the news w/taylor....but of course, maybe he's figured it out himself at some point before. i do think he'd figure it out himself though rather than anyone else directly suggesting it (maybe out here being diagnosed with "just the guy who sucks who we don't like / won't act right or normal" sort of usual experience) & i think, if he knows, he's not about to want ppl at work to know, b/c not as though anyone (but taylor & other quants) particularly seems to be impressed by his quanting proficiency, but he sure gets some validation/affirmation through that route (more re: that of course) and knows that ppl going "oh he's autistic so of course he's better at Doing Math / computer stuff as a like, mechanical efficiency sort of thing" or whatever. and the fact that taylor can interact with him / gives him some leeway to generally do his thing means he's kind of already got space to operate how he operates, see the start of this section....and idk. transitioning into the next section ig

just an Interpretation Of Canon thing here but, re: how these characters generally operate & what their reason is for being around doing stuff in the first place, i guess it's that winston does genuinely like to do & is interested in the math/coding stuff involved here, was also genuinely interested in working for taylor specifically (whatever The Hype specifically was), then you have taylor having the "despite your demeanor, your skills are superior" stance & appreciating what he can do & letting him do it by hiring him for real & all, & here we are, Q is for Quantitative, baby......he must find it rewarding enough to be getting to do this quanting stuff and also, the potential for validation when anyone recognizes he's good at it & by extension finds something about him good & wants him around to any degree

okay just that Episode By Episode stuff for a section here

3x03:

kinda extra room for interpretation b/c this was written as a one off character and reintroducing him in 3x09, written to be recurring, feels like it kinda offers a Soft Reboot for what we got here, where i guess how i take things is that we can suppose in both 3x03 & 3x09 winston's putting on a deliberate Performance to some degree based on what he thinks the potential employer wants to see, but it's also not completely fake / inaccurate either time, & like, maybe the 3x03 vibe wasn't a type of performance he'd only just ever put on for this axe cap interview, & even if it was deliberately bold maybe he was sort of thinking he Could bank on his value as a quant meaning he holds most of the cards (or can get away with acting like it)

building on that & as a More General point of interpretation again: think it's easy to suppose winston could've had an existence w/many elements of frustrations & disappointments & Rejection, but where like, he did figure out these areas of interest & proficiency that seemed to be a more positive force in his life, & leaned into them / focused on them further for it, & i could see him focusing on milestones / graduating from one thing to the next & conceptualizing like, well, if i just get to This point by working on This thing then i'll have it together & be able to move through existence more successfully, like, there's winston going into undergrad & kind of disappointed he's not having that good a time socially / feels like he's missing out / being left out still, but he can be like, well that's fine (: i'm totally fine abt it b/c i'm focusing on the Education & Experience here & when i'm entering the job market as an amazing quant anyone would want to hire then ppl will be seeing me in a positive light & things will fall into place / go great for me / i'll feel like i fit in & am doing things right within some structure. & i think maybe he Did have all those other job offers / opportunities & he was at least partly feeling a bit "objectively" confident, & also maybe just hoping he Could be that confident & that, you know, if he goes ahead & acts like that's the case, it could be confirmed / become true....anyways then obviously disillusionment time

since his outfits are introduced here: more "just how i'm interpreting canon" stuff in that i do just suppose he is mostly focusing on comfort & it'd kinda get in the way of things if he couldn't. flipflops might've been a statement piece but also i figure at least in part about the comfort / lack of much opportunity for restriction or ill fit or chafing texture or anything, same goes re: pants & shirts. interesting he likes to wear the patterned layers but doesn't really wear like, stripes or plaid ever. plus it could well be that Just A Tee is too informal unless you're the formalest of all by virtue of position, i.e. the ceo, but also we sure often enough see him wearing hoodies &/or multiple layers, like, maybe that's just for warmth or weight or what have you, always considering "what if it's about being self conchy as well (different way of saying self conscious)"

3x09:

so yeah with winston not having taken another job (at least maybe only like, temporary ones as these self contained gigs / just something to pay the bills) figure it's been a Depressive Period for him here lol & deliberately going on a journey of like self reflection / examination & going "haha yeah hated what i saw" is like, i don't think the self loathing is anything new, the confidence in 3x03 kind of an optimistic bandaid lol like well here's the new me as i understand / hypothesize / hope he could be, totally confident in being backed up by how valuable he is as a quant, then taylor kind of ripped that off and wound's open again but that wound was also not brand new or something he was unaware of / that didn't affect him before now

re: math meetup, i can see that being him presenting more evidence of his talent as a quant but also specifically going "see, i do this collaborative thing" to present this more conciliatory and cooperative approach to taylor, & am also taking it as evidence that he really does Enjoy math / coding stuff beyond it simply being a means to a professional end. i also like to think he has been / continues going to math meetup regularly, at least once a month, maybe every other week, and that it's this semi social event, like the relevant irl group you found back in the day that like, meets up for pizza before and drinks afterwards. i also like to think that, like, while he might come off as A Bit Much during said math meetup / just speak up frequently enough and often enough with some insistence lol, people Are there to meet up about the math and his contributions Are valued despite if his delivery/approach isn't always endearing or whatever. and even if he's not really popular / warmly embraced in the more [socializing event] bookends of the meetup, he's perfectly tolerated, and there's even a person or two or three (also regular attendees) who do vibe with him enough to like, invite / even want him to sit with them / talk with them outside that Math Setting. math meetup pals, maybe he doesn't meet up with these people outside these events but maybe they have each other's contacts and sometimes text. not these intimate personal relationships, but still something real and positive and refreshing. it'd be nice if math meetup could kinda be like what he hoped for from quanting, this way his math lets him "qualify" to access this group / activity, his aptitude "making up for" perceived lack of interpersonal / social charm & charisma & what have you, & having some reliably friendly people around even if of course that's not on its own going to mean he's totally socially fulfilled / not often lonely or anything. hc: he's often lonely & not totally socially fulfilled

he does, of course, want to work for taylor specifically, as long as they want him to, and this is sort of his second chance to find validation through working as a quant lol. think that yeah sure winston likes validation in general, who doesn't but also of course he's maybe a bit Above Average sensitive to / keen on it, but he'll also care about Affirmation if it's coming from people whose opinion he particularly values. think that it's easy to suppose he's also especially sensitive to taylor's assessments here thanks to the fact they really hit a (raw) nerve with him like, sure is the potential to get caught up in feedback loop city & say, have a few months mired in self loathing & an especial lack of certainty & confidence, if someone's kinda gone "i hate your self hatred" lol, but he also Did have this especial interest in / high opinion of taylor before that 3x03 interview, & so that's what continues to be part of it here

but then also interpreting that second 3x09 scene as like, he Does independently Know His Value as a quant and yknow not only has his pride but also can't and isn't going to first and foremost focus on trying to socially perform being peak Accommodating and Appealing here lol. but he still cares about what taylor thinks, wants to work for/with them, and i think it was Mutually Appreciated in the last scene that there was Mutual Effort to cooperate w/the other, giving him a Cue instead of just being mad & obfuscating it unless & until giving up on him completely or w/e is Constructive. interpreting winston as someone who sure can be a bit petty on purpose, especially in the face of some wounded pride (where he seems to take pride in his quant abilities & maybe not much of anything else: see the self loathing otherwise), but isn't really one to be deliberately antagonistic, especially not towards, yknow, the person he specifically wants to appeal to, but he also knows he can come off as grating whether inadvertently or not, so he might be testing the waters a little as well

3x11

he's using headphones even though no one else is in the room, that's a preference / he may also just like to block out other sound in general, as there's no audio of [winston's music faintly playing as / before he takes off his headphones] or indication he paused anything. does he like metal, what with the yngwie malmsteen reference? maybe, but that might just be a Billions Reference thing that isn't meant to indicate much / anything abt the specific character. i don't have any hcs about it anyways besides "okay" if so

first time we see his watch, it's not the calculator watch until s5 but i am a fan of said calc watch....gotta suppose it could represent him being here for the math of it all, what with how fancy/expensive watches are kinda the whole like status / power play thing, and a calculator watch is, afaik, not expensive, these casio calculator watch listings i'm seeing are all priced like, $15 to $25 range. so.

2nd scene is the first time we see sleeves pushed up, a frequent choice, maybe if he's focusing sleeves against forearms / Wrists & Hands can be bothersome. also not the first time he puts his hands in his pockets but i think that's a deliberate choice for winston's sort of Default Pose, equate it to the choice to have jared hang / hold on to his backpack straps.

guess he can also be a bit petty / rude / grating on purpose if ppl are getting in the way of his mathing / coding or otherwise thwarting it, at least probably taylor can relate / sympathize what with them wanting to Get It Right / being bothered if people get it wrong but could've avoided this

noticing all the caffeine and the fact he maybe didn't leave the basement / was powering through that project All At Once....just noting that down as a potential Approach, wanting to not interrupt focus &/or bear down & keep a fairly intense pace until it's finished / stay in the zone or what have you

definitely doing some deliberately cocky Testing / pushing back / amicable power struggle with taylor there, confirming he does have leverage due to that quanting ability after all, Despite His Demeanor / not being "sweet"

by this point definitely consciously kinda wants taylor to rail him.

4x03

i have no concrete hc's of instances inspiring winston to think he's "always seeing the future" but god i wish he did. he's right a lot though, maybe he just notices as much lol

talking mostly to taylor here, then concluding with "i only thought it but didn't say it; doesn't count....damnit." like he wants Their validation thanks, even if recognizing his Win here still wouldn't help them either way....also first time we see him w/coworkers for real, he's really freely Interacting.....time to go ahead and say he'd like to be work friends / at least have friendly interactions at work, might be a bit desperate for such positive social interactions, especially in this environment where he thinks the "objectively" good thing about him is most relevant, but it's cringe & fail (&/or vulnerable to Attack) to outright Want something, like validation / affirmation / a positive response or a simple "yeah you're right" "positive" response

first Space Shirt, followed by ones that are like, also &/Or Sci Fi Shirts. does he like space? i guess so

he's autistic

4x08

here & in 4x11, we don't know how he's gotten this info about taylor re: the arc w/their dad or with axe cap, but he's apparently mused on it on his own like this & isn't just quoting what someone else told him about how taylor must feel about xyz & how that might apply to the situations at hand, even though (unless he cassandra'd it) he wouldn't've had that much cause to suppose it'd definitely be relevant to have ideas about how taylor feels / is navigating a situation & why, maybe he just likes to be prepared like that / stay in the loop but yknow, maybe he's just also interested in them as a person beyond what's most immediately relevant to him doing quant stuff for them

he's already done the sort of kicking himself / wincing / apologizing or agreeing he fucked up an exchange thing before but, the genuine disappointment / momentary discouragement in it always lol....self loathing guy

love how he has these little like, clarifying explanations of things. "total control of the instrument," "always seeing the future," "because i win".....he's out here wanting to communicate to connect & to be understood, not so much as a potential for a power play / status climb and thus a conflict.....can see ppl who are used to / Do see interactions in that light to interpret winston yelling about having won as a like, rubbing it in people's faces show of superiority thing, but pretty sure he's just excited and wants a high five

4x11

having talked about the fact none of the desks in the tmc hq main floor seem to be winston's (& knowing that Could just be wroland not being reliably available to be in the bg of shots lol, analyzing s4 shots for some Consistently Empty desk) but it is fun to also consider that maybe tmc Could've had a secret extension in that that quant haunt in the basement was kept. a little more furnishing and it could be pretty chill, even though the lack of windows might not always be ideal. where's he sit!

also the whole "guy who'd be the first one smothered" moment like, guess i could've mentioned it in 3x03 more but yeah my Headcanon here is that winston maybe has a master's degree, not a phd though (him saying "50 phds" in 3x11 i think was meant to differentiate from him on both points, aka he's 1 guy, without a phd) & this is his first "real" job in any field. b/c i'm guessing like, people are here to get Paid, but as mentioned w/the watch (& just how winston acts in general, he doesn't really seem like he's raring to show off / really take advantage of having money or anything) it doesn't seem like he's, like, the "exceptionally focusing on personally making as much as possible" guy, and lauren's remark seems to emphasize / place the context on winston just not having like, savings from prior salaried years at a job or anything, more of a practical matter, maybe he's out here hoping for some more financial security, also they are all living in nyc, so. on that note, maybe he has an okay apartment but like, not without problems / not absolutely ideal, but it's okay. this would just be Convenient as an hc also lol

don't think the monologue was completely memorized, but it wasn't completely off the cuff either, he'd maybe been brainstorming scripts in his head / had some particular parts solidified word for word, but also hardly think he was guaranteed planning to deliver an admonishlogue at all, seems like it was some important factors that he was just kind of already irritated, nobody was listening / people Were social pressuring him to drop it or not interested in entertaining like "yeah i think you should talk to taylor about it" at all, think it was clear that talking to others was only going to lead to them telling him to drop it / trying to not have anyone say anything to taylor, and then that taylor just jumped in, which i hardly think he was hoping for

always Something that we can expressly see winston moving to sit down in that soon to be empty meeting room as everyone else is clearly filing out lol, like, can see how he might not be able to go "well, back to work" immediately and need some irritation / feeling like shit / guess who just got yeeellllllllllled aaaaaat to burn off, might need some time to absorb "well i guess i just deferred so no bonus as was probably expected," but can also suppose that maybe when winston gets majorly Shut Down he has shutdowns. saying all of four words in the wake of things, otherwise the fact he has this approach of tensing up, not talking at all, kind of just holding onto eye contact as his last way of "properly" participating in the exchange w/o bailing entirely, while also outwardly withering, like clearly these kinds of moments are pretty significantly affecting....feels like he could find it difficult to talk much, or at all, in the wake of some / need some time to recuperate a bit & have some distance & quiet & not just jump back into work like he's having a fine and normal time. sometimes pondering like, not only those notions like taylor insisting winston not be Interrupted when he hasn't technically started talking yet (giving him the buffering / latency time) but also like, fun kinda imagining them sitting across from each other having a texting conversation....or times winston would rather have an exchange via email......or make use of the sticky notes......or just have taylor talking to him and picking up on his nonverbal responses

winston's very Not present in tmc meetups / get togethers this season & again we know that this could be because his actor wasn't very available but it's still the case In Canon that there's only so many tmcers and they're all seeing each other outside work / market hours for varyingly formal or informal purposes & he's never included. & simultaneously hold the hc's that he could be choosing not to go or he could just never be invited in the first place l o l.....in either of these situations the reason for declining to go or being excluded could be up to "b/c other ppl don't like having him around" and idk, best case scenario is he doesn't want to go for some other reason, but he acts pretty okay with the All Hands meetups we do see / when in meetings with the other named employees he's pretty raring to interact with them, so :/

4x12

i do like to think it's fun to imagine What If Taylor Had A Phonecall With Winston Before This Monologue; someone once told me that explaining is an admission of failure, i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart.....just them both having a more sympathetic approach with each other and a sort of dialed back reconciliation, tbt 3x09, without an audience / roomful of other people

do think that his wearing a tmc logo tee into axe cap hq was a deliberate Statement Piece, like wearing flipflops into axe cap in his true first time being there lol

first time we see the backpack, & the headphones (in this season), like the point you (nothingunrealistic) made about the backpack possibly kind of exerting pressure / compression in a Sensory Way. let's see it again

as good a time as any to bring up how it's such a consistent pattern that it Must be a choice that winston smiles in this direction :/ and grimaces / winces / frowns this way :\ but a choice of the actor of course, was it ever a conscious thing on winston's end, would not put it beyond the realm of possibility he's ever consciously thought of stuff like "even if words fail me(tm) i Gotta hang on to eye contact".....i'm thinking of times he is smiling hard enough that you just gotta do it more symmetrically, like here in 4x12

5x01

he likes bagels

think that this could've been another case of "people who are used to interactions used for conflict / power plays / stepping on other people to status climb (axe cappers in general, maybe team ben having to be extra prone to be on the lookout for these strategies when they're more often on the receiving end of them) misinterpreting winston socializing as means of connection (wanting to talk about the common work thread / interest with coworkers)"

even if for some reason quants were cold shouldering axe cappers like, a sound strategy even if team ben are worthy exceptions. Winston Can Get Petty When People Blame Quants Talking About Being Quants For Axe Cappers Harassing Tmc & also when in the process of doing so everyone's like "also you're smarter than us but no you're not, any math quants could do fundamental analysts could do better" like, winston getting more deliberately antagonistic when ppl are going after his Math Aptitude / value as a quant when that's his "objective" point of pride & confidence & possibly like haha self loathing can't get me here

5x02

winston's decimal points being more precise here i think indicates that the show is not taking the stance of "yeah the quants are just any old analysts with an attitude of superiority" lol

do think he selected that particular seating placement b/c it's like, hey furthest away from axe cap, most aligned with taylor's desk & angled towards it, perfect.....what a letdown

guess this episode suggests he and mafee have chats sometimes, and winston maybe confides At All Sensitive Info w/the guy? bold

always just smh like well thank god we were given this subplot where winston was a plot device really for dollar bill's arc or whatever............what a gift

5x03

just noticing as always how winston is the one person saying they should go for it vs the other two's skepticism / trepidation, and taylor decides to go for it.....they do value his input / trust his judgment

i am also noticing how often winston, as the math guy who doesn't really fit in w/ the whole axe / caply approach & style, has this role in giving taylor these crucial opportunities to pursue their own direction rather than be mired down in the misery of axe cap determining everything....3x11 & his algorithm letting them break completely away from axe cap, 4x11 & his admonishlogue making some Points & then next episode taylor does decide to abandon the revenge jag & says they were wrong & they're sorry....5x03 & this nlp strategy plotline being the first thing taylor could actively pursue for tmc after 2 eps of being dragged painfully through axe cap nonsense, & the fact this, in the next episode, leads to the Impact Fund idea / mase carb

5x04

see that last point

5x05

guess that until confirmed, The Glances being significant is a Headcanon Interpretation lol. anyways i do like taylor giving him these discreet, nonverbal cues as a very deliberate method of communication titrated betwixt them

oh right and an Age Cue here, before that was nailed down i think i already hc'd winston as either the same age as, or a year older than taylor, and that's still true lol, think that's how it goes with the timelines (taylor's being kinda uncertain, and winston's as well, having prior just kinda gone "well if taylor's 22 when they show up as the typical post undergrad age, and each season spans approx a year, and maybe winston spent just a year or two post undergrad getting a master's b/c nothing nails down how long it would take & he could've kinda been ahead of the curve as it were, he could be, say, 23 thru 25 in s3 when he shows up, to taylor's Maybe 23" as the Idea)

just wants to work for taylor as long as they'll have him, but would also like to be openly valued / affirmed on a pretty basic level lol...

one of those matters that's like, i do think that this is what the material is Trying to convey but it's not concrete / explicit, in that i think winston somewhat Likes rian right off lol like. i mean he's also still annoyed on principle, this is maybe his replacement & that stings that it's even a possibility & of course he has reason to want to feel like "oh well this person Clearly sucks" lol, but then there he is trying to scope out the situation & get immediate intel & it's like, here's this fellow 20something you immediately think is pretty (the mental comparison to an A lister as a dunk, lmao) & you see her being perfectly friendly with your nice coworker you're also friendly enough with, that's one degree of separation, now here he comes talking about how cool & epic & smart & capable she is, again makes sense he's still first & foremost bothered by the situation & has cause to just be more jealous about how well everyone immediately thinks of her (see: winston making bad first impressions that may never be undone, the fact other coworkers were probably never going around openly impressed with / praising him after meeting him for 5 sec, or like, ever) but i suppose this immediate underlying sense of attraction / affinity hits in that First Sighting as well

love that we see the feet up on the desk show of confidence again, very funny & glad it's back.....a tool in his arsenal for when he's Very Bothered But (unsuccessfully) Acting Very Unbothered / when he's trying to pitch for his employment lol

when did he have a first gf? perfect time for an hc.....feels like it'd have been like, idk, older high schoolers at the youngest, that kind of emotional commentary....or in college. sometimes pondering the idea like, what if he had a bf first actually.....or not, & Feeling A Way around other guys sometimes like, hmm guess i think this guy is pretty cool &/or i'm kinda like "god i wish that were me" about, then some more noticeable Tension as he's older even if he can't really discern the reason b/c this person's pretty nice & cool actually, hmm. then one day you're doing hw together with a while for code to compile & Oh Hey Lol

meanwhile think clearly rian defuses the Reason For Rivalry (and also clearly immediately likes him / interacting with him & you know, outright sticks up for him & in this significant way) & then when they connect over Math it's all coming together very outright like Oh Hey Lol 😳

also he Gets Right Back To Work easily enough, & like, i think already there's a deliberate performance of "i'm now totally unbothered," but he's just pretty good at shaking things off apparently. & he kind of has to be, to not bail completely or else tamp down his own personality / avoid interactions, but you know. plus that like, he may get irritated when his pride's wounded but around here people can have a whole crisis & arc about it if their egos are bruised in the slightest, so like. pretty blasé

5x06

this isn't really any hc or Interpretation by any stretch but this is the first time we've seen winston pull that particular attitude in that second scene with rian and it's beautiful.....if something's bothering him he's so often like outright indignant but this is like, i'm Bothered but i'm being so dignant about it, for like 4 sec

also the bright green hoodie / bright, high contrast, geometric blockbuster tee is so Vivid but like, always noting how he wears relatively colorful outfits. fun to go "maybe this one's deliberately extra eye catching b/c of this new crush" lol

5x07

the difficulty in reading that much into things when the lack of sobriety could be making any & everything an outlier, & can't even really read into "apparently down to take stimulants (beyond caffeine) on a dime" b/c well, so is everyone else, so that this situation can unfold, we knew he had a crush on rian (or i guess we didn't, but this is pretty direct about it), we knew he likes validation, taylor Knows him well enough that it's not just like "oh he's acting weird? well that's winston for you" to them, which we also knew but it's fun to confirm further lol

and now for some more free floating / general concepts

family? i have no idea. feel like he either has no siblings or several but yknow, anything's possible. we know what he's like Now, don't think he got that solid self esteem / self confidence as an emergent quality from [everything that happened to him before 3x03] & don't suppose he has this like, rock solid close warm familial relationship of understanding & unconditional love & support w/whoever he grew up with, parents or siblings or whoever he lived with....like, the relationship/s could be Fine but you know, still not all that close

i don't think he was every completely friendless (or if he was, it didn't last Too long) in terms of like, throughout school maybe he had some pals, no amazing close [fingers crossed Like That] ones where someone had like, grown up as his next door bestie and they did everything together & knew everything about each other, nothing all that close, but he had people to sit with at lunch or what have you, even if at times like, the table nobody else really sits at but the people who don't have anywhere else to sit lmao. maybe some slightly closer friendships here & there, but people often kind of got subsumed into other friend groups that he wasn't otherwise a part of / otherwise just kind of gradually distanced again...but also possible he had perfectly amicable occasions of like, maybe only having a class or two with certain people, not striking up intimate friendships but hitting it off well enough.........like, winston's out here Not having been stomped down into suppressing his personality all the time, he's still fairly earnest & forthcoming & eager to connect, just sort of vaguely going for "he maybe have always had this element of discouragement & disappointment re: socializing / connecting / forming relationships / sometimes just being accepted on a basic level, but he also didn't have his spirit totally extinguished either" although there's also the room for stuff like, yknow, him Holding Out Hope like "well nobody likes me now / i'm unhappy but maybe once i'm in college [gets to college & still isn't having a great time] okay well once i Enter The Workforce" lol. you know

but it's also like, hardly think he's Only Just Now experiencing the [winston: ___ everyone: get his ass] type stuff & pushback & punishment & disdain over not really doing anything but people hate his style & vibe, & feel like there's also still room for like, yep wow got burned sometimes / having had some pretty negative experiences......we do have to end up in this place where, you know, 3x03 happens and he doesn't just go "guess finance isn't for me!" & dust himself off & go get some Guarantees from some tech firms, & instead he's Really Glad [Taylor] Called & hasn't taken some other more desired job between 3x03 & that call & is immediately like "good news: i do hate myself" so like, can't see him having just thrived his way to this point....evidently not all dating relationships have been just epic highs & victories, maybe he has those math meetup pals now & maybe idk there's other people he's in sort of in contact with, maybe people from college / grad school or the like, still not that close, figure he's generally been lonely like, overall, despite regularly enough seeking out / striving for connections

oh yeah speaking of, the idea that he has a cat maybe lol, in part simply for company, a little guy that lives in your house / apartment....but also maybe he doesn't

always just some general notions like, also idk maybe he engages in hobbies, talks to people through that just like with math meetup....talked about the Embroidery idea, got that computers/programming connection, was thinking like, idk fuck it amateur photography, develop your own film, maybe he took a class in college or high school or something, same with like, maybe he plays a musical instrument, said "the cello, why not" about that as an early [shrug] idea lol. he does like space, maybe he does Anything with that....rip to any astronomy clubs In Nyc like, guess you're not seeing shit, but. 4x11 au, after deferring his bonus he goes to some cool cinematographic celestial occasion like taylor & the sea glass fish carousel lmao. taylor catches up & they have their [i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart] exchange lol.....except also not, b/c you wouldn't really want to have Parallels with m/any moments ft. wendy & taylor :/

recalled like a particularly casual / throwaway idea about like "lol what if he was somewhat thalassophobic" in part b/c once actor william dropped that lore abt himself in an interview, but. could have somewhat some other phobia/s. or not really any! what a world

maybe sometimes he's out here like, single & ready to Fuck like, focusing on just hooking up w/people sometimes rather than really looking to date at the juncture, although it could both be true like, he'd Like to be dating but also doesn't really currently want to do all the Putting Himself Out There & such of seeking it out / trying to consciously navigate it, but sometimes it's more manageable like, just wanting to have sex. looking out for himself when he can & how he can lol

speaking of, some vague sexy hcs

gets pegged

especial fan of Tongue Against Tongue texture, enjoys some Grounding elements to avoid being overwhelmed / narrow things to the more relevant sensory input at hand, like the weight/pressure of a partner leaning / lying against him / holding him tightly, if he's overwhelmed in a good way / kinda got some sensory overflow in a good way he might cry during sex In A Good Way lol, took some time maybe in his Personal Sexual Experience to figure out some general differences in "what he doesn't like at all" or "what's off the table / too unpleasant for him at some times but Not necessarily at all times & might be completely enjoyable sometimes," like, am i willing to perform oral sex, am i willing & Enthusiastically so, is that way too much actually, it can be all of them at varying times....maybe in more everyday general situations he refrains from stims in front of others unless stressed enough, but while having sex with someone especially if at all nervous it's like, there can be this transition between repressing stims & being more unfiltered / uninhibited where they kind of build up & then come through in kicks only to be reined back in, either like, he simply does go for a more reined in approach the whole time or anyone else is willing to ride this out with him / he kind of has the time & space to figure out more of a flow, in which case he might still stim but you know, not as though people aren't used to stims in this situation, i.e. reacting to stimulation with movement & vocalization is at least expected & it could once again be like "well he's a bit weird with it but hey" lol or you know, not that some partners can't be understanding or have had experience w/similar partners. hardly make or break but this can be a vulnerable interaction here / hard to shake the self consciousness & sense of "i Do have to filter myself and act The Right Way" all at once just b/c you'd want to

hey and let him sing karaoke or something lmao, winston is as Dramatic as he is, he would give a performance. work in a way to let everyone who sings sing around lol, could throw in some Affectations so that it's like yeah winston can sing without having to be like "wow winston, when'd you become a trained broadway performer" lmao. imagine. which reminds me of the time will joked about like, oh yeah winston Gets That A Lot re: people recognizing he looks like the guy in deh, aka will roland....the limitations of "this is set in real nyc" including occasional references to recent / popular shows, fuck it maybe will roland does also exist in the billions universe. well anyways it would be fun. the karaoke anyways, and that he'd give a top tier Performance whether or not people are first and foremost enjoying his technical / artistic skill at the art of singing, it'd at least be personality infused and engaging

taking it way back to the ideas about winston's social misadventures in general, i'm sometimes considering for fics i never end up writing if he might have some like, misgivings / anxieties about like, is this person i Like acting like they maybe Like me back as some kind of elaborate joke, & maybe the caution comes from experience like you know, classic over the line "pranks" like asked out As A Joke, kissed As A Dare that he wasn't aware of, think there could be like, would be Friendship / friendly acquaintanceship experiences in there where such "pranks" / "jokes" / "messing with him" (and not in a good way) could happen, or even just you know, more Spontaneously, don't even know this person & he's treated as a joke for other ppl's entertainment, realizing at the time or retrospectively like oh maybe i was more being bullied then having any positive social interaction / getting to feel at least "included" or what have you, like, the idea of getting to hang out with a group as The Funny Guy, but he's had these experiences getting to hang out with a group & realize it's b/c they thought he was funny / Amusing in a laughing At him, not with him way, which is easy also b/c winston isn't really out here trying to be funny that we've seen lol. only realizing he was still being excluded after some time / distance from the situation, or escalating open hostility / just more blatant meanness / over the line shit from some people, maybe some stuff that just immediately feels shitty but he figured was just like, well idk, maybe that's normal & still friendly, maybe it also felt more outright embarrassing / demeaning at the time but it's like haha yeah you got me :'] at the time just to save any face lol.....possible unexpected / spontaneous amicability in his socializing history, but also shittiness, whether it's coming at him all at once or he's kind of holding out hope like, well, i just keep at it / have a Friendly attitude here and surely i'll make friends b/c if people didn't like me At All why are they talking to me / letting me be here at all.....

always kind of pondering Fashion Variation, we haven't seen it but it could be possible, musing on "what would he think Looks Good On Him / how does he feel capable of like, dressing for romantic success or what have you lol" like, was the vivid 5x06 outfit anything, cue the drawing like, a bralette & short shorts is shaking it up and could be a Felt Cute outfit and could also be comfortable enough....not always That much room in men's(tm) fashion before you start having to be aware of [Gender] and dunno that winston out here has had the inspiration / motivation / opportunity to consider / try out / explore but hey. what are we here for

just remembered that post like "uhh i just saw a guy crying in the library & then his phone alarm went off & he stopped crying, opened his laptop & started typing / it's called time management" lmao like winston's not out here having the Most amazing time, he could have such Time Management experiences of like, letting it out some on purpose but then reining it right back in, and/or just like some spontaneous paroxysms of crying for a minute or two more unexpectedly in a "do you ever [experience a tiny inconvenience] & realize the thread by which you're hanging on is quite thin" way or otherwise, you know, oops experienced this frustration & now i'm crying over it, or idk, just feeling a bit more vulnerable for whatever reason & something has unexpectedly plucked some emotional string attached to another string attached to another & the resonance = i'm crying now ig. he can't be Thriving out here & i don't think he's all about having such a stranglehold on emotions that he's like oh tf i Never cry (aside from having sex, in a good way)

although speaking of like, emotional repression, maybe he's out here just "good at" compartmentalizing some experiences lol in that "well anyways, back to work" way & stuff like, sure he knew he was risking it in 4x11 but it also did not seem to affect his dynamic with mafee at all lmao like wow.....

think that him not really having anything on his work desk is a choice / preference but also am not sure that that really applies to anything else lmao. what if he had a little plant. that'd be funny

oh yeah and the idea that winston might literally have like prophetic dreams & they're just kind of a nuisance to him but sometimes they can be plot devices in fics (that don't exist) about him kissing people

well i'm just calling it a night there lol but like, it always feels Lacking writing out hc's like, plenty of ideas but also hardly any, and yet the fact that other individual ideas are so Vague / casual that it wouldn't be like "oh i gotta share this via post or manifesting it some other way" so then it feels like, oh no, if i don't list absolutely Everything on something that's specifically a list of hc's, i can never talk about whatever gets left out......and just that like, i ought to have a bunch of really specific, concrete, unique Factoids about winston here to be of any interest but hey lmao. that hypothetical set of concepts is never gonna happen, & the Ultimate Comprehensive List Of Everything I've Ever Pondered Re: Winston is also going to be difficult lmfao (not as though that's what you've asked in the first place) but you know, we took a swing at things here & covered some ground & the thinking about & talking about winston never ends, & this isn't really a post meant to have broad appeal / if you're not already having fun reading vague musings about the quant then i'm sorry you're reading this after having read all that and gone "wow, i'm disappointed" lmao but hey, weird choices made to bring you to this point......also god knows plenty of hcs are more filed away under specific like [Tayston], [Benston], [Riawin] sort of things (lol, [Mafon]) b/c on the one hand, i find it easier to kind of think in Scenarios and the details particular to the "scenes" therein, but i am also not good at thinking of those scenarios! out here operating on vibes, he's autistic and wants to kiss taylor (also now rian but that's kinda right in canon, not just my head) and that's really the crucial info here

#winston billions #nothingunrealistic #posting these things at 7am lol just had to give this a shot all at once really #there was never going to be a concise & comprehensive post here so just gotta go for it #certainly vs trying to think up that beautiful engaging collection of concrete hc's & thus never writing Anything lol #and anyways it's also like; this is a niche post for an even nicher audience so #quantnoisseur is about having fun and being yourself. for me #thanks again for returning the favor!! do love the opportunity here #again hope i don't like recall three dozen obvious things i should've included once i post this but

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hunnynectarine · 3 years ago

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After maybe like, I wanna say 3 years, I’ve begun to realise that I’m not made for online dating. I know I said whatever to that boy studying Geography at uni 2 years back already but now I’ve begun to feel like I truly believe it.

Initially I feel infatuated by everyone I meet because I believe in fate and everything happening for a reason but somehow things just don’t pan out the right way.

Online dating provides a platform where two individuals can recognise that they both like the looks of each other's faces and things they associate with but appearance can only serve as a surface level indicator of a potential relationship. When you’re put into the environment of online dating, you very easily find yourself already knowing that the other person likes you but you just need to discover little things about the other person to solidify decision-making. Almost forcing you to become shallow in the process, maybe because there's half reassurance.

It’s hard because maybe I’m taking everything too seriously but I prefer not knowing whether someone likes me. I’m someone that would much prefer pining and longing for someone, the “I hope they like me” phase I suppose. The not knowing whether someone likes me is an aspect of courtship that I like. Trying to read someone's eyes, their soul and somehow translating it into something that could be legible and comprehensible. Maybe it sounds too whimsical to look at things this way but this is something I want. Too often I find myself amused by random people in the beginning because it is entertaining but never sincere or long-lasting. When you engage with people in the real world it’s more a situation of understanding strangers on a level where you learn about someone’s values, interests and personality prior to figuring out whether you like them and expressing any interest, this includes tiny quirks like how they react to things that make them mad, happy, sad and a roller coaster of other emotions. Something that I also had an issue with in terms of online dating was probably the various amounts of typos, tones of voice and inability to articulate certain ideas across to different people solely through the means of text. A lot of my humour stems from sarcasm and being sassy but it doesn’t look on text and perhaps it would’ve been in my favour to initiate a phone call to sort out the issue but secretly I think I knew I wasn’t prepared to be in a relationship with any of the people I met online.

When you start to log off it’s actually so easy to see that there are so many people you’re already surrounded by that you’d very much get along with. Somehow it's very easy to be switched on around these people because there's less chance of mixed signals and a vibe that you can follow. And I would be ecstatic to be in a relationship with any of them actually, truth be told. There’s a sense of organic connection in that too, just stumbling across a face and becoming acquainted by them. Everyone really is a stranger at a first glance and we only build upon that as time goes on.

It’s very early days to say if I feel anything for anyone new atm but feelings do come and go. If relationships are based on feelings then how am I supposed to make a decision based on a fleeting moment? It’s all so confusing really. I don’t even know myself.

#personal #me

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evolsinner · 3 years ago

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⊱┊31

morning arrives. after getting dressed, i stand in front of the full~length mirror that’s stuck to the back of my bedroom door. my ring shines in the reflection and i aimlessly roll it around my finger.

i've made up my mind, this is what i'm going to do: i've already told kayrem about the baby so that's off my conscience. if i let isaac know how uncomfortable i am with keeping it, he'll be sure to support me on whatever my decision may be. besides, he doesn't even have to know about how it came to be so yeah.

"mum," i take the final step down from the staircase. "hi, i was going to~"

"take a seat," she gestures to the chair next to maxi, my usual spot.

all of them try to not stare at me, though i can see how hard it is for them to keep their eyes cast down. maxi's the only one that's not making me feel like an animal in a cage. he's too busy passionately eating his porridge.

"roséah," mum says when i've finally settled down, "your father might've touched on it briefly, but we would like to say it officially."

okay?

"honey, only if you spoke to us about how much pressure we've been putting on you lately then we would've understood," she explains.

"but~"

"let me finish," she shuts me down. "ever since kayrem left, we vowed to better ourselves in the parenting department purely to ensure something like that would never happen to another one of our children again. we know now," she glances at dad, "that we've failed."

kayrem was right, when he left all those years ago, it was cause he wanted mum and dad to be better for me. i mixed up a sacrifice with selfishness. that’s on me, i guess.

"and for that, we are both deeply sorry," dad summarises.

“you’ve got to talk to us,” mum emphasises. “but teenagers barely ever do,” she adds bitterly.

"thank you for understanding, i guess.”

"with that being said," mum exhales loudly, a sudden deviation in her tone, "there's something you should know because as parents we're obligated to tell you."

kayrem clears his throat.

"you should know that.." she pauses before starting again. "isaac killian was a convicted criminal."

"what?"

"it's true, hun," dad solidifies.

"are you guys crazy or what?"

kayrem scoffs.

"we're not 'crazy', rosé," dad tells me. “we care about your safety.”

"you both may be lawyers and you both may be my parents, but that doesn't mean you go around falsifying shit just to have things your way!"

"listen to them, marie," kayrem chips in.

"shut up, you moron!"

maxi jumps in fright.

“hey, maxi,” i say softly. “why not you go upstairs and feed homie his breakfast? he must be really hungry.”

maxi gives me a quick hug and silently leaves.

i return my attention back to my parents, “you seriously have to do this in front of him?”

"all charges have been dropped against him because, well, look at his assets," mum speaks in a passive~aggressive tone. "however, you can find anything if you dig deep enough."

this is total bs and i'm not having any of it!

"if he did it once, he can most definitely do it again," she continues. "i'm only telling you this, roséah, because you're not as smart as you think you are. and as parents, it's our job~"

"oh my god, mum, just shut up with that 'as parents' shit! i get it!"

"do not talk to me in that tone, young lady!"

"alright, alright," dad puts his hands up. "ladies, let us keep this civilised, shall we? rosé," he faces me determinedly, "think about it this way: is this the first time isaac killian has lied to you?"

no... hélène, too.

"and let's not forget how it was not an accident, it was deliberate!" mum adds in for extra shock value.

"this is all bullshit!" i stand up, my chair scraping against the ground. "you're the ones who are lying to me!"

mum firmly pushes her seat back and stands up. she walks over to her tote sitting on the countertop and returns with a manila folder which she tosses flat on the table in front of me. "read it," she demands. "legal documents don't just make themselves up!"

"so mama i'm in love with a criminal! so fucking what?"

"don't be ridiculous, roséah!"

"fuck this. i'm out!" and i run out of the house.

kayrem follows me out, "marie, slow down or you'll get yourself hit by a car!"

i spin around, stopping in the middle of the road, "i sure hope so!"

"look, this isn't even about you or me or our parents even! it's about him! do you really think a sane person goes around killing families on purpose? no, because that'll make them insane! but of course, risk everything for the sake of some airy~fairy love, right? seems perfectly reasonable to me."

"he isn't a goddamn killer!"

"you're just afraid to face the truth. it's as simple as that."

"oh yeah? and is this the 'truth' you, mum and dad are making it out to be? all you guys ever care about is the shit that gets written down in the papers, about your dumb reputations! not at all about the root problem, and the root problem being that you should've never left us in the first place! scratch that. you should've never came back!"

there’s a sudden long pause and he glares at me through it every second of it, "you are just one dumb fucking fat bitch, marie.”

“wow! got more to say? go ahead, say it. i wanna hear it.”

“yeah, i’ve got some more,” he takes a few steps closer to me. “you don’t deserve to be loved. why? because you play with people’s feelings. you want something and you get it. and when you want more, you get more. doesn’t matter who you fucking hurt in the process because, hey, at least it’s not your own damn self, right? you’re selfish! a goddamn worthless slut! i’m ashamed to even call you my sister.”

his words didn’t hurt me that much, not until he said that last line... that cut deep. “and here i thought you cared about me.”

he laughs, “care about you? i would never.”

“really?” with each sentence, i take a step closer to him. “are you sure about that? because last time i checked, you’re the one who kissed me first. you’re the one who wanted to kiss me again when i clearly said it wasn’t a good idea.”

“lower your damn voice!” kayrem says through his teeth.

“you’re the one who ate, my, pussy.”

“marie, are you deaf?! mother and father are right fucking there!” he points to the house furiously.

“you’re the one who wanted me to suck your dick! so, no, don’t go around saying that you don’t give a shit about me when it’s pretty damn obvious that you d~”

whiplash, i’ve been pulled in and a pair of lips are attacking my mouth. i don’t put up much of a fight. my brother wraps his arms around me. mmm… the kiss deepens quickly and it’s like we’re taking out our frustrations about each other on each other.

“fuck off!” i break the kiss and push him away.

he scoffs and roughly grips my wrist. then instead of dragging me back to the house like i expect him to, he drags me to dad's car. "let's go and find that idiot and let him tell you himself," he opens the front seat door and waits for me to get in.

i stand my ground.

“get inside now or i’ll fucking throw you inside,” he orders.

with a scowl, i obey and kayrem grabs my seatbelt, roughly clicking it in for me before slamming the door shut after me. it thuds loudly and pieces of my fringe go flying up in the air. i’m left in awful silence whilst he runs back into the house to get the keys. he comes back and starts the engine, not even bothering to put his own seatbelt, and roughly reverses out.

gosh.

#love #teacher x student #story

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justsomeartsthings · 4 years ago

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Fireworks

Summary: During a slow day in the lab, Sans picks Gaster’s brain about some human thing that’s been nagging him. Established Sanster, Sans POV, Fluff.

“hey, boss?”

Gaster doesn’t look up from his paperwork. You can barely see him past the stacks of paper and your own feet, which you’ve propped up on your desk.

You toss a crumpled piece of paper at him. A conjured hand bats it out of the way.

“Must you?” he mumbles.

“what’re fireworks?”

He stops writing for a brief moment. Then he shakes his head and resumes. “Have you ever fought a moldsmal?”

“m’not really the fightin’ type.”

“Of course not. My apologies,” he says insincerely. And then doesn’t elaborate.

You stare at him, but as always, he’s got the Underground’s worst case of tunnel vision. His hand is moving so fast over the forms you can barely see it. “k. so. you gonna tell me why you’ve been bullying moldsmals?”

“What?” That gets him to look up. Finally. “I have not been bullying moldsmals.”

“no, see, ‘cause i was wondering why i don’t see them around anymore.”

“That would be because they prefer Waterfall’s marshy climate. The temperature at which moldsmals melt is far below the average temperature of Hotland.”

You turn sly eyelights on Gaster.

“…melting point.”

“Yes, melting point. Hell, without the CORE stabilizing the air currents, I presume it would even get hot enough to reach their boiling point. Hence their absence,” he says, and adds, “Not because I have been ‘bullying’ them.”

“‘course not. you’ve just been melting them.”

“Sans.”

“jeez, doc. how many moldsmals have to go before your reign of terror is complete?”

“The majority of moldsmals have a traditional bullet pattern reminiscent of fireworks,” Gaster growls. “If you keep talking, I will be sure to give you a demonstration.”

“there ya go. that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

He glares at you. At least, you think he does— his expression’s hard to read, given that his permagrin is different than you or your brother’s. It leaks lacivious intent at random intervals, especially when his eyes go all half-lidded like that.

Not that you would ever tell him that.

You’d rather just admire from a distance.

He goes back to his paperwork. You crumple up another piece of paper and toss it between your hands. You wait just long enough for the silence to get comfortable.

“alright, doc. you’re killin’ me. tell me already.” You shoot the paper towards his desk. He catches it mid-air with a conjured hand.

“Perhaps if you would stop lobbing confidential documents at me, I could tell you.”

“they’re reports based off bad data. fruits of a poisonous tree, an’ all that. shredding ‘em is as pointless as keeping ‘em.”

“Of course. After all, why shred them when you can just as easily make projectiles out of them to pester me with?”

You wink. “they told me you were a smart one.”

Gaster sighs, putting down his pen to scrub at his face with two real hands, cored palms and all. “It’s one hundred and twelve degrees fahrenheit, if you must know. Do not ask me how many unfortunately itinerant moldsmals I have had to transport back to Waterfall in a beaker.”

“uh. heh. yikes. nice image, but not what i was fishin’ for,” you say. The expression he shoots you is blank. Probably. You splay your fingertips. “fireworks, doc. fireworks.”

“Ah.”

“any day now.”

“Yes, yes. Fireworks were explosives the humans were quite fond of using during festivities and the like. They would make colorful… patterns in the sky. They were also terribly loud.”

“wait, so they just sent stuff up in the sky and blew it up ‘cause it looked nice?”

“Essentially.”

“huh,” you say, sliding your feet off your desk. “sounds kinda like us.”

His permagrin might not allow for many clear expressions, but it’s perfect for incredulity. “How on earth did you come to that conclusion?”

“well, think about it. potentially dangerous things flying through the air in patterns ‘cause it’s pretty?” You scoff. “i know i don’t use bullet patterns that much in my day-to-day, but i know ‘em when i hear ‘em.”

Gaster hums. He’s got that stillness that always comes over him when he’s thinking through a problem. He’d solidify completely if he thought it would make his thoughts faster. “I suppose there are similarities. I wouldn’t be surprised if fireworks were the product of human envy over our traditional patterns.”

“or maybe they just liked the look of them.”

“Possibly.”

“well, it sounds to me like you don’t like ‘em.”

“Humans?”

You splay your fingers. “fireworks, doc. fireworks.”

“Yes, of course. I mean— no, I did not like them back when I was. Er. Younger.”

“mm.” You nod slowly. “…think you’d like ‘em now?”

“I couldn’t say for—” You physically see the thought hit him. It’s better than drugs. “…certain. Oh, dear.”

“yeah, doc?” If you weren’t grinning since birth, you’d be splitting your skull trying to smile even wider.

“Sans,” he says.

“yup,” you say.

“Do you have fireworks,” he says.

“yup,” you say.

“Where did you get them,” he says.

“the dump,” you say.

He takes a deep breath. And then another. And another. “How… did you even know what they’re called?”

“i’m gonna call that a lucky guess.”

From your pocket, you pull out one of the rocket-shaped things and toss it to Gaster. Despite his earlier dexterity with the paper balls, he fumbles the explosive. It slips straight through his palm.

When he picks it up, the look on his face is priceless. You know why— the word ‘fireworks’ is branded on the side of the rocket in faded lettering.

“I can’t believe this,” he says. He quick to correct, “I can’t believe you. This— this isn’t even damp.”

“yeah. i found ‘em a couple days ago, figured i’d let ‘em dry. wanted to ask you about ‘em in the meantime.”

“Wh— they’ve been in your pocket this whole time?”

“uh. yeah?”

“Sans, you work in a lab that is surrounded by lava.”

“that’s why i kept them in my pocket, doc. c’mon. it ain’t rocket science.”

Gaster flattens you with a vaguely lascivious glare. “This is unbelievably reckless, Sans. Do you know what could have happened if one of these had fallen out of your pocket?”

“nope. actually, i was kinda hopin’ to find out. y’know. once i got ahold of someone who knows what they’re doin’.”

“You—” And then he stops, because he’s always speaking faster than he’s thinking, and sometimes it takes him a minute. “You wanted to set them off. With… me.”

“uh, sure? i thought watchin’ them was the point,” you say, “but yeah. thought it’d be a cute date idea.”

“But this,” he says, and then, “I don’t,” and finally, after another deep breath: “Okay. I suppose… that sounds… fine.”

“fine,” you repeat. “heh. doc, we don’t have to.”

“I… No, I think I would like to.”

“you think.”

Gaster sighs. “I am not as young as I used to be, Sans. Reckless fun caveats responsibility and consequences. It is hard to think past them.”

“you tryin’ to tell me you’re not impulsive?”

“…You have a point.”

“hey. what can i say? we skeletons are pointy dudes.” And then, because you care, “c’mon. you know your comfort zone better than anyone i know, doc. just say the word.”

Gaster appraises you for a long moment. Being skeletons, a relationship doesn’t come with much touching, or even proximity. But time is something Gaster values above anything else— and sometimes it baffles you that he chooses to spend so much of it paying attention to you.

The staring is edging you closer to mushy territory. You can’t look away.

“The word,” he says finally, “is that I would like to spend my evening watching fireworks with you.” Except he says it like he means every evening, and you don’t know if you can take this. “As long as you’ll have me.”

“…k.” It seems the melting point of your soul is embarrassingly low. Your voice sounds a little like you swallowed a vat of melted moldsmal slime. “guess that’s settled.”

“Indeed,” he says evenly. You’re pretty sure he knows exactly what he’s doing to you. Cheeky bastard. “We will not, however, be setting off dangerous explosives after work if we do not finish working.”

“yup.”

“Please use the shredder this time.”

“right.”

“And Sans?”

“yep.”

“I love you.”

Your soul boils in its cage.

Bastard, bastard, bastard. Not for the first time, your permagrin feels too small for the smile you feel bursting in your soul.

“yeah,” you say, helpless. “love you too, doc.”

AO3

#sanster #undertale fanfiction #undertale fic #sans #gaster #fireworks #wrote this because if my neighbors can do whatever they want with fireworks at ungodly hours i will do the same but with words #=3

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dahniwitchoflight · 5 years ago

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Homesquared Chapter 3

So i have seen smidgens of this on tumblr but just havent had time to do anything about it

and jesus christ Callie Jade is so horrifyingly creepy, and you know the things she’s narrating the characters can also hear which is also hilarious, it just reminds me of that comic about how “yeah sure there’s a giant ominous red floating eyeball in your kitchen, constantly staring, constantly judging, but can you be sure that’s a bad thing?”

and then someone tries to talk to it, but it doesn’t answer and the person goes “fine be an asshole i dont give a fuck”

thats exactly the dynamic happening with Callie Jade right now

Grumpy DaveKat is hilarious

and Hey! we finally get to see how people look, I really dig Roxy’s look

“ROXY: dude doesnt "believe" in "substances"”

This line from Roxy makes sense, as a person wholly ensconced in the idea of their own self and always being in control of themselves and their own mind and faculties they would hate anything at all that causes that iron mental grip to slip

That’s probably why Dirk avoided sleep even when his dreamself was awake, even sleeping and dreaming was considered a form of himself losing control over himself that he couldn’t integrate the idea himself and his dreamself were the same person rather than two identical people and also I remember that the Jujupop didn’t affect him either

Later on Dirk in the narrative will say something about his own trauma, but not really go into what it is, but if I had to hazard a guess (and really it’s not much of a guess at this point)

Dirk probably has memories of a version of himself being under the mental influence of another, Lil Cal, LE, Doc Scratch etc what have you, So Narrative Dirk may actually be a version of Dirk who’s not quite yet poisoned into being a version of those 3, but his words also hinted that just because he’s aware of a certain way that he’s acting doesn’t make him more likely to stop it

Like he’s equating that you can be aware of the influence something else is having on you and in the exact ways it is influencing you without being able to stop, the exact thing he is traumatized and afraid of being most likely

So his one driving fear, is he does not want to lose control of his own soul, his own being, his own way of life and existing, to something else, something other. Even though he most likely is fully aware of the things and mannerisms of the other that have slipped into himself? Like he’s probably fully aware of the similarities between himself and those mentioned above, but maybe the thing that he’s hinging on is that instead of those guys poisoning him into being like them, instead perhaps he can convince himself that it’s his own self influencing others to act like himself instead. His influence reaching out and expanding instead of shrinking as he fears it

Anyway, Dave and Kanaya have a cute moment, I really like that

We get a nice shot of them in shadows against a backdrop of stars and Kanaya starts talking about a story Rose would once tell so that’s story is already gonna be dripping in metaphorical potential

“ A Wriggler Story About A Young Prince And The Beloved Flower He Loved And Lost”

Though that’s a story I’m actually familiar with

KANAYA: A Singular Wild Rose He Failed To Cherish When He Had Her

KANAYA: And His Journey Of Discovering What She Meant To Him All Along

KANAYA: Culminating In A New Quest To Find Her And Win Her Back

KANAYA: The Story Comments On The Nature Of Friendship

KANAYA: And Of Course In Turn Love

KANAYA: How Once They Connect There Is No Distance Or Circumstance That Can Seperate Them

KANAYA: How The Worlds In Each Ones Mind Take On Contours Shaped By Their Memories Of The Other

KANAYA: Places And Moments And Orbiting Passersby Becoming More and More Entangled In The Context Of Their Mutual Affections

KANAYA: Such As With A Garden Calling To Mind An Engagement Once Declared There

KANAYA: Or Something To That Fucking Effect

So obviously Dirk and Rose

Dirk has Rose with him, discovers an actual genuine connection with her, likely because he already viewed her as an equal, despite his manipulations of her, and chapter 4 spoilers but he genuinely wants to play a game with her when there really isn’t any reason for it, so he is actually curious to see who comes out on top of it, Him or Her, so Dirk is probably in some way desperate to have an actual equal partner in some way instead of drowning in himself all the time, not surprising. But Rose, obviously, will leave and reject him, likely when the manipulation comes around and is revealed/Kanaya and all them reach her/that part of the story

But then the story tinges onto a romantic nature and is framing Dirk trying to get her back as a romantic quest to save his partner/friend something something love and friendship, “no distance can separate them” yeah that doesn’t sound like obsession with the first person you’ve ever truly seen as an equal/a real person,

yeah “A Garden calling to Mind an engagement once declared there” definitely sounds like the garden of eden/adam and eve paradise fantasy that Dirk has been trying for some reason, to setup on the new planet

Really begs the question for why Dirk cares at all to do all of this? Except we now the answer is already its not the thing itself he cares about, its the value hes putting into the story as something that generates interest in the audience

He doesn’t care about actually making a society or being gods or whatever, he just knows thats what the audience wants to see and cares about so therefore he does it

and the reason he does all of THAT is because is ties into his trauma of his sense of self eroding away becoming a person he’s unfamiliar with

I wonder how he’s going to handle how much he’s going to change in order to fit the role of the story he’s writing when all is said and done

the Dirk at the end of this is going to be very different than the Dirk that started in Homestuck, despite all of his fears and intentions, and that he could not say all of it wasnt his own doing because of the iron control he made sure to have from the very beginning, I honestly think that will be kind of a shock for him if a meeting like that ever one day happened

Specifically for the fact that he seems to be aware of the romantic in nature tropes hes writing himself and Rose into and for now still seems to be avoiding them, not having gone that far, but, well

Maybe this is where we’ll start to see where Doc Scratch’s odd tendencies starting coming from

You know he was always really weird with Rose and Vriska (Maybe because he sees Light players all as extensions of Rose herself?)

Anyway yeah this is def the story metaphor I think we’re going to see in this, but Kanaya doesn’t fully get it, she thinks the story refers to herself and Rose

DAVE: that seems kind of wack for a kids story

KANAYA: Its Possible I Am Projecting Slightly In This Specific Circumstances

KANAYA: It Was Just A Metaphor

KANAYA: But In A Way I Feel As If It Is the Greater Universe Trying To Tell Me Something

KANAYA: It May Simply Stem From My Longing To See Her Again And How Much Is Indicative Of Something More Sinister

Which is cool because it makes this opposing connection between Dirk and Kanaya as opposites, which I like because it solidifies a tiny bit more the idea of Sylph being Passive Create to A Prince’s Active destroy.

Oh yeah, there was a tiny hint of Mind metaphor as well, can’t forget Terezi is with them

KANAYA: How The Worlds In Each Ones Mind Take On Contours Shaped By Their Memories Of The Other

KANAYA: Places And Moments And Orbiting Passersby Becoming More and More Entangled In The Context Of Their Mutual Affections

KANAYA: Such As With A Garden Calling To Mind An Engagement Once Declared There

Basically the idea that your experiences of a person and your memories of them shape who they become as well, the boundary between you and I is controlled by both of us, so each has an effect of the personality Heart of the other through our own decisions and Mind

like the way people tend to mimic those they like and want to be close to, or the way they actively try to distance themselves and what they are like from those they hate

But that at all seems to be more about Mind in general than referring to anything specifically Terezi

though it is exactly that understanding of Mind versus Heart and how one affects the other that could make Dirk realize that in the question of the self he’s only had half the picture the whole time, he’s only had the understanding of Heart and has thus far not been able to understand how Mind plays a role in the sustaining of the self, how what other people do to help you to be you, which is his entire philosophical conundrum

“DAVE: the dude youve spent the last 7 years convincing yourself isnt an egomaniacal anime villain

DAVE: and who isnt actually lying in wait to completely decimate your life and your emotions and shit“

oh, that makes me sad, this is def bringing up some bad trains of thought for Dave ):

“ KARKAT: KANAYA BARELY EVEN TALKS, CALLIOPE WON’T LEAVE THEIR CABIN, JADE JUST FLOATS AROUND LIKE A CREEPY BALLOON THAT’S MOSTLY MADE OF HAIR.

OH RIGHT, I forgot Calliope is actually WITH them on their journey, despite seeming to want absolutely fuck all with Jade Callie, I totally thought she was gonna stay back on Earth C but I guess not!

It’s so odd to see them so terrified of their alternate self like this when they’ve interacted mildly before. I still don’t know what to think of that much, other than they seem to be doing that weird thing that the other kids went through, like how John scribbled clowns on the walls unknown to himself for the longest time due to Gamzee’s unseen mental influence

that’s exactly the type of shit Dirk would be afraid of, so I wonder if that’s what Callie was afraid of as well? Maybe its Jade Callie that’s influencing them this way not Gamzee, to scribble strange things on the walls and not come out, but it’s the same fear of the other regardless manifesting and changing the self.

It is a very oddly non social thing for Our Calliope to do, when the point of different between the two Callie’s was how social Calliope was versus how antisocial Jade Callie is. Worries me ): but at least they’re here I guess

KARKAT: SOMETIMES IT ALMOST FEELS LIKE WHATEVER SLATHERING MONSTROSITY OF A COSMIC HELLBEAST THAT PUT ALL THIS SHIT INTO MOTION...ACTUALLY LIKES ME?

ROXY: fucked up if tru

Karkat is really popular as a character in the fandom lol

and that’s that one, time to get to Chapter 4, which has a lot more juicy exposition

With all the Garden of Eden metaphors though I can’t help but think of the Apple of the Garden of Eden when I think of “story exposition” now

The juicy tantalizing forbidden red fruit that when you bit into it you suddenly understand and know things you did not before and you’re eyes are opened, I wonder if that’s enough to just make Apples a solid Symbol of Light in Homestuck’s context? Most of it’s association with knowledge is external to Homestuck, just referenced symbolically, it’s not actually used in any cirumstances pertaining to knowledge, but more as the metaphor of it being the gate to leave the garden of eden, more like a teleporter, Rapture and Revelation in general rather than just Knowledge itself

aka my new headcanon is that one thing needed to Alchemize a Transportalizer is inexplicably going to be an Apple, if that ever comes up at all

#Homesquared #Homestuck^2 #Dirk Strider #Rose Lalonde #Terezi Pyrope #Apples are the essence of Portal Technology #long post

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angstmonsterwrites · 4 years ago

Text

This week delivered a pretty harsh emotional gut-punch. I had to end the only non-family friendship I had where the person in question lived within a 100mi radius.

She and I had been growing apart for a bit as it was--the way I saw it was that we simply had become two different people than when we first met online back in 2014. We'd exchanged emails for the longest time, and met once at a convention. She was someone who'd been easy to relate to and understand at first because of a traumatic upbringing, but the substance of her messages never changed or varied throughout the years--it was always, always about who had wronged her this time and why it was evidence of how terrible people are, but how she was "hardworking" and "different". We scarcely talked about anything else. Victim mentality. The one time we met only solidified that this was who she was. Imagine someone side-eying perfect strangers in a crowd of cosplayers and constantly grumbling about how they were too scantily clad and making remarks about how sure she was her favorite character would disapprove. (Yes, there was a concerning disconnect from reality there that often made me wonder if there was something schizoid-flavored going on.) Suggesting that she could do anything differently or an alternative point of view was usually met with a lot of reaching and bending over backwards for reasons why nothing was ever her fault or how it was someone else who had to change.

In short, it wasn't commiserating. It was years of me reading long screeds, and going, "Yeah. Uh huh. That sucks." Most of the time, if I brought up any complaint of my own, it was met not with compassion, but with either dismissal so that we could focus on her again, or more ranting about how it was all just more evidence of how right she was. Even just attempts at sharing new interests resulted in a sort of pushback where she'd barely stop short of telling me I was wrong or somehow treacherous for doing so. Trying to share good news always prompted her to double down on refocusing on how awful everything was for her.

As we got into the vile meat of 2020, my energy to respond to long-form emails was pretty well shot, and my responses had slowed down substantially. She started to badger me with the question, "What am I to you?" I explained that I felt our attitudes and values had seriously diverged over the years, and that my stress level was simply too high, but that if she still wanted to keep in touch, it was a better idea to message me here on tumblr or just text my phone. I have no issue having quick back-and-forths, and little to no restrictions on when it's okay to message me. As a general rule, I answer as soon as I see it. This seemed like it would solve the problem with the lapses at least, and communicating in a way that offered instant responses should have provided reassurance that I wasn't just ignoring her. Yes, we had our differences, but for the most part, I was unresponsive to the emails because I was having a hard time with my own mental health.

Should have. She agreed to respect the boundary I'd set, but then unfollowed me here and sent a long paper letter instead--the furthest thing from what I'd requested. She then would only message in months-apart check-ins to see if I'd read the letter yet, growing increasingly aggravated when I had not. At one point, she explained that it was meant to reveal to me how much she'd accomplished, and how I was wrong about her, and also contained a poem she wanted me to read aloud to my household. The hysteric "What am I to you?" questions continued.

After deliberating, I explained why the letter and her related actions had upset me. She said that she'd unfollowed (without even trying to message at first) me because she suspected I wanted nothing to do with her. She then also insisted that she'd sent the letter before unfollowing, complained about how badly she missed the email routine, and went on a tirade about how unfair it was she was the only one reaching out, and how she'd done so much more for me, and so forth. It essentially devolved into overt gaslighting.

It was then that I calmly told her that I felt it was probably best for us to leave one another in peace. Those were my exact words. If we couldn't even agree on how to talk without an explosion of manufactured drama--if she couldn't be bothered to respect one simple ask without making herself out to be a victim of unfair treatment--then there was nothing left to say. She responded saying that she was even more afraid I wanted nothing to do with her--at this point, it had become true--and again demanding to know what she'd ever really been to me.

I had had enough. I blocked her.

Two days later, I got one last email from her, and a phone call with no message. (Or I certainly hope it's the last. Good grief.) In it, she reiterated her belief that she'd been the one pouring all the effort into our relationship, how this confirmed I was 'just like everyone else', and that she wasn't going to let herself be hurt by me anymore.

And...I've been feeling like complete garbage ever since. Not so much because I felt it was time to end that friendship--the descent into blatant gaslighting was all I needed to push the proverbial EJECT button--but I’m left questioning why I tend to attract that sort of person more than any other--selfish, histrionic, delusional. Making and maintaining friendships is difficult for me, so the question of how I might have done anything differently has to be asked. The simple answer, I believe, is that I should have just been open about my disagreements and our incompatibility much sooner. But even with more emotionally mature individuals, I do have an unfortunate track record of lapsing into silence unless spoken to when I'm overly stressed, and I know that can send the wrong message. I don't want to be that person who does nothing but use the other as a doormat for continual complaining and nothing but. I don't want to burden anyone the way this person burdened me.

That's the emotional backlash I always face when a friendship fails because of toxic behavior: Is it possible that this same toxicity lives in me too, and I'm just too myopic or self-righteous to see it? Is it possible that this is why being any kind of a social person is so challenging to me? I don't think so, but what if I'm wrong? What if I'm reading my own tone wrong? What if I'm measuring the content of my conversations with others in a way that minimizes exactly how much self-centered bitching I do? Do I come off as someone with a victim complex?

I find myself coming back to the damaging, impossibly mixed messaging around socializing I was raised with. If I share what's good or fun, that could be selfish because what if the other person is having a hard time? What if I'm just rubbing something in their face they can't have? If I what I share is sad and difficult, I may be overburdening them or dragging them down when they'd otherwise be doing just fine. Sometimes just talking at all feels invasive--that is, attempting to get to know or draw closer to another person makes me feel like I'm stealing something that doesn't belong to me. I was always told that it's rude to pry, and that if others really want to talk to me specifically, they will without prompt.

In sum, these 'rules' allow for zero proactive communication, suggesting that any such effort is doomed to be bothersome and thoughtless at best. Of course, I don't buy into them anymore, but that doesn't mean that they aren't engraved into my psyche in such a way that violating them still comes with a serious wallop of guilt.

And as folks with a history of emotional abuse go, there do tend to be extremes of embracing victimhood as an identity, low-key messiah complexes, and what have you. I absolutely am guilty of nursing one of those soft-core messiah complexes, I think. Unfortunately, this means that when someone comes along with no end of narcissistic self pity--that is, not just someone truly down on their luck-- it's an easy trap for me to fall into. I always see it as my role to fix things for people or to try save them from their troubles, or to be the one who listens and gives. I want to be useful and relied upon and a source of comfort, understanding, and peace, but then I want to act all surprised when I get used and stepped on time and again when I fail to be 100% honest about any frustrations or misgivings I might have. By the time I decide to set any real boundaries, it’s far too late to maneuver out from under unreasonable expectations without snuffing out the relationship altogether.

When someone with a baby savior complex clashes with another person who possesses a loud-and-proud victim mentality, I suppose it's bound to be a slow-moving train wreck.

Maybe I'm not like her, but I can't escape the fact that in many ways, I really did bring this upon myself...Again.

---

TL;DR: I asked for some minor changes in how I communicate with a friend because my stress level was so high that the idea of jumping off a local overpass wasn’t not bouncing around in my head. Her response? Act like a jilted lover, thinking only- “But what about me?” And I realized it’s been that way with her for a long time.

#musings #personal musings #A tale of social ineptitude and regret.#Or...why I attract emotional leeches.#I do have two long distance friends who aren't Like That.#It's just a pity that a decent friendship seems to require >500mi.#This one will probably be eating at me for a while.#I had a similar in-person situation that really blew up on me in my early 20's. I actually lived with those ones.#I should have learned something from that. But it seems I failed.

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