#i truly cannot get over that most recent picture tho

[sequencefairy]

There’s a very fucked up part of my brain that wants to hear your theories about the alleged NYC polycule 😭 but it’s also…too much lmaooooo

Beloved, sweet, wonderful anon, you tempt me too much with your repressed desires to join me in the tiny closet off my office, where I keep my bulletin boards and my red string.

I should note, before we begin, that my contributions to these theories are but contributions, the true architect is a friend, who I will not publicly out, but they know who they are.

With that out of the way, let me paint you a picture, dear sweet anon.

It was late summer, I had watched six hours of TV over the course of three days, because my friend had talked about this TV show to me, and the characters therein, for weeks. I did not expect to like this TV show, I wanted to watch it solely so that I could participate fully in conversation, because I enjoy very much when someone I care about loves something and shares that with me. Despite my intentions to the contrary, I emerged from the six hours of TV wholly changed.

And so began my not-so-slow downward spiral.

(under the cut)

My friend and I had deep and complicated discussions about characterization and the narrative choices and depictions of mental illness and trauma. We shared vulnerabilities, as ways to expand our understanding of the depths that this show plumbs, but does not always reach with solidity. We thirsted. Oh, did we thirst.

I came to the conclusion that I did, indeed, want to climb Oscar Isaac like the compact, solidly built tree that he is. I wanted to bury my fingers in his hair, I wanted to see him smile. I wanted to see the characters he plays beaten, bloody, and miserable. I wanted to see them broken, but I also wanted them to heal, such as they were able, given their unique circumstances.

In short, I became obsessed.

My life has spun wildly out of control, I am sitting on roughly 50k of Moon Knight fanfic, currently unfinished, but being worked on feverishly. You are not here for that though, so let us move on.

We initially began our conversations regarding the NYC polycule on a fair evening in September, when my friend arrived in my dms to alert me to an item of interest. It was a photo, from September 9th, posted on Elvira's Instagram account, and in it, was Oscar, one of his children, and a man, tagged as Tim Nolan.

Further research revealed, of course, that Tim Nolan is none other than the long-time hair stylist for Oscar. We reviewed Tim's Instagram page, thrilled by the discovery that Tim seems to accompany Oscar on many filming trips, including during the filming for Moon Knight in Jordan.

Knowing this, and also knowing that the only other person who appears in photos in their house with their children with such familiarity is Pedro Pascal, we began to make certain assumptions about this relationship.

I won't spend too much time on Pedro Pascal, I think we all know that he's involved.

For now, let us continue along with Tim.

Oscar has been filming In The Hand of Dante in Venice, of late, and so we have been thrilled to see BTS pictures of him, on set, and etc. We have also been thrilled, most recently, by Tim's presence. Tim recently celebrated his 41st birthday in Rome, and the following weekend, was with Oscar being touristy.

Some things to note:

Elvira's comment under Tim's birthday photo, which was taken in Rome. This is not unusual in and of itself, she is very free with her affection for the people in her life, and her comment is correct, he is looking extremely good.

Tim touring around Rome with Oscar, on the weekend after his birthday, clearly not at work, just there to have fun.

The next photo is the one that sealed the deal for me. You have probably seen this one, because I reblogged it onto my blog, but here it is again, for posterity.

We know, from various interviews, and behind the scenes footage, and the way that Oscar is in them, that he is affectionate with his male friends, we know that he is happy to be close to them physically, but there's ... something about this picture. There's a familiarity, a casual intimacy, a closeness that speaks to other kinds of closeness.

All this to say that I believe that Tim Nolan is and has been in the polycule, just like Pedro Pascal is and has been. Perhaps not at the same time, perhaps there are others who move in and out, but the anchor is that Oscar and Elvira have a marriage with room for others, and I wouldn't be surprised, at all, if someday, someone made a mistake, and posted something we shouldn't be seeing, on a public account.

Alternatively, I am going to move to NYC with the intention of becoming another member of this small, loving group of people.

I'm sure my partner will understand.

[dellinah]

I recently lost my best friend to cancer, and words cannot describe how incredibly painful every waking hour has been since I got the news.

They say time heals all, and I can only hope that the memories that suffocate me now will soon become nostalgic treasures that will soothe my longing.

Right now, it fucking hurts tho

And grief is just a weird feeling. It's trying to face a reality that you cannot comprehend, much less accept; but it forces itself onto you regardless, bc there's no way back.

No way out.

This how it is now.

But really, in trying to process this new reality, it has dawned upon me just how... weird, it is.

Just how weird it all feels to me.

I still know his birthday by heart.

And when it comes around, I know I will think of what gift I should get him for a second - before remembering he's gone, and crying all over again over a wound that never truly healed.

I still know his favorite shows, and I know that he collected funko pops of them. There's a list on my phone with the ones he already had, so that I knew to look for new ones when shopping around.

The messages we sent are still on my phone. Still among the most recent ones, for now.

And when I click on them, the last words we ever exchanged (and will ever exchange) stare back at me. Just like they're any other ordinary message, unaware of the massive weight they carry to me.

As does his profile picture, a frozen image of what he will forever look like in my mind.

Spared the burden and the blessing of aging beyond his mid twenties.

The audio messages are still there, too.

His voice still calls me, by name, every time I hit play. Like an echo of what once was, a voice I will never hear again in this lifetime.

But the recordings remain.

And it hurts me so, so bad.

Yet, I play it over and over again.

Maybe hoping the words will be different at one point, like he's just recorded something new.

But by now, I know each audio by heart.

Over and over and over again.

I still know by heart all of the inside jokes that only he and I knew. And now, I have no one else to tell them to.

When I see a pair of blue pants, or finding nemo merch, or a news reporter wearing yellow; I'll have to keep it to myself from now on.

Because no one else in the world gets why that is funny to me.

Or why it was funny to us.

It's just, I didn't expect everything to vanish when you did.

But I didn't expect just how much what you left behind would hurt.

Your birthday. Our inside jokes. The recipe we always made together. The road where we'd drive at night almost every weekend. The shows we watched together that you'll never see the end of. The path we walked home after school as teens. Your favorite color. The book I borrowed and never gave back.

You are gone, but so much of you remains with me.

It's like a letter adressed to an empty house.

What do I do with it all now?

[lucyreviewcy]

The Three Three Musketeers (or Where The F*ck Did All The Stupid Hats Go)

I read The Three Musketeers and then I watched the 1973, 1993 and 2011 adaptations. Which one wins tho?

Adaptation is a fascinating concept, especially of texts which are frequently adapted or parodied. After I rewatched the 2005 Pride and Prejudice I was reminded how weirdly divisive the two dominant adaptations of that book are. A lot of people consider the 2005 to be an inferior betrayal of the 1990s BBC version. I actually prefer the 2005 because I think Matthew McFadyen’s Mr Darcy is a wonderfully complex character. McFadyen imbues Darcy with social awkwardness and anxiety, which Lizzie misinterprets as his pride. To overcome the “Lizzie doesn’t fancy him ‘til she sees his house” debate, director Joe Wright includes a moment where Lizzie glimpses Darcy alone with his sister. He’s comfortable, his body language is completely different, and he’s smiling broadly. That moment really sold me on the entire film because it made Darcy a full character and was a really simple addition that rounded out the story. I still like the 90s version but for me, it’s the 2005 that takes first place.  (Although an honourable mention for Pride and Prejudice and Zombies because it is an excellent romp.)

Look: adaptation is always a complicated topic. You can’t untangle one adaptation from another, because it’s pretty rare that somebody adapting a classic text like Pride and Prejudice or The Three Musketeers is not already familiar with existing adaptations. The most recent adaptation of any classic text is not simply an adaptation of that text, but the next step in a flow chart that includes all the previous adaptations and the cultural context of the newly created product. These three adaptations of Dumas’ 1844 novel are all texturally and stylistically very different, and two of them diverge significantly from the original text. What I found truly fascinating was what all of them had in common, and what each new era (these were made at around 20 year intervals) decides to add or remove. What do all these movies agree are the essential parts of the story, and what are some adaptations more squeamish about including from Dumas’ original narrative?

Before we dive in, no I have not seen every single adaptation of the story, that would be a dissertation level of research and I do actually have things to do right now (although, I will admit...not many.) I’m looking at these three Hollywood adaptations because they all had star studded casts (for the era they were made in), they’re all English language, and (crucially) they were all easily available on the internet for me to stream.

What are the essential ingredients of a Three Musketeers adaptation?

Firstly, there should be at least three musketeers. Secondly, D’Artagnan (Michael York 1973, Chris O’Donnell 1993, Logan Lerman 2011) should be a young upstart who is introduced part way through a sword fight. He should also have silly hair. He is also consistently introduced to the musketeers in all three films by challenging them each individually to duels at noon, one o’clock and two o’clock. 

The films all maintained some elements of the original “Queen’s Diamonds” storyline, and featured the Queen, Milady and Constance. The characterisation of these three varied a lot.

Our villains in each case are invariably the Cardinal, his pal Rochefort (who always has an eyepatch, although this trope is not in the book and is actually attributable to the way Christopher Lee is styled in the 1973 film), and Milady de Winter. Satisfyingly, at least two of the villains usually wear red because they’re bad. Red is for bad. 

All three are very swashbuckling in tone, have elements of physical comedy, and two of them include one of the three valet characters Dumas wrote into the original story, Planchet (1973 Roy Kinnear, 2011 James “ugh why” Corden). They also all bear the generic markings of the movies made during the same era, our 70s D’Artagnan feels like a prototype Luke Skywalker. The 90s version features a random martial arts performer. The 2011 version has CGI and James Corden in equal measure (read: far too much of both.)

What are the big differences?

I’m going to divide this category into three main segments: character, story and style. My own three musketeers, the three musketeers of movie making.

Character

D’Artagnan

D’artagnan in the book comes across as a pretty comical figure. He’s nineteen and there’s something satisfying about how similar Dumas’ caricature of a nineteen year old is to a modern character of the same age. He’s overconfident, has a simplistic but concrete set of morals, and falls in love with every woman he sees. If D’Artagnan were a 2021 character, he’d really hate The Last Jedi, is what I’m saying. He’d definitely have a tumblr blog, probably a lot like this one, but perhaps a scooch more earnest. He really loved The Lighthouse but he can’t explain why. Isn’t it nice to know that awkward nineteen year olds have been pretty much the same for the last three hundred years at least? 

In all three films he’s kind of irritating, but at least in the 1973 this feels deliberate. This version has a certain “Carry On Musketeering” quality to it and D’Artagnan is your pantomime principal, he’s extremely naïve and he takes himself very seriously. This is the closest D’Artagnan to the book, and the 1973 is, in general, the film which adheres most faithfully to that source material. 

The 1993, which is (spoiler alert) my least favourite adaptation, has Chris O’Donnell as the least likeable D’Artagnan I’ve come across. I’ve only seen O’Donnell in one other thing, the Al Pacino movie Scent of a Woman. He’s bearable in that because he’s opposite Al Pacino, and so his wide-eyed innocence makes sense as a contrast to Pacino’s aged hoo-ah cynicism. Rather than being introduced in a practice sword fight with his father, as in the other two films, D’Artagnan is fighting the brother of an ex-lover. This captures the problem with the film in general: this adaptation wants D’Artagnan to be cool. He is not. The comedy of the 1973, and indeed the book, comes from D’Artagnan being deeply uncool, and from his blind idolisation of the deeply flawed Musketeers who actually are cool, but not necessarily heroic, or even good people. Their moral greyness contrasts with D’Artagnan’s defined sense of right and wrong, but he still considers them to be role models and heroes. 

2011′s version also suffers from “Cool D’Artagnan” syndrome, with the added annoyance of that most Marvel of tropes: the quip. One of the real issues with this film is that the dialogue has a lot of forced quippery that doesn’t quite land, and the editing slows the pace of the entire film. D’Artagnan’s first interaction with Constance is a bad attempt at wit which Constance points out isn’t very funny. The problem is that Constance has no personality so there’s no real indication that she’s in any position to judge his level of wit. She’s just vague, blonde and there: three characteristics which describe an entire pantheon of badly written female characters throughout the ages. Cool D’Artagnan also means that Constance should be additionally cool, because in the book, Constance is older than, smarter than and over-all more in charge than D’Artagnan. 

Female Characters

Let’s go into this with an open mind that understands all these films were made in the sociological context of their decade. The 1973 version would absolutely not be made in the same way now. Constance is a clumsy cartoon character who is forever falling over and accidentally sticking her breasts out. This is not the character from the books, but does at least leave an impression on the viewer one way or another. 

In contrast, the 1993 has a Constance so forgettable I literally cannot picture her. I think she holds D’Artagnan’s hand at the end. That’s all I can say on the subject. 

The 2011 has Gabriella Wilde in the role, and absolutely wastes her. Anyone who’s seen her in  Poldark knows that she can do sharp-tongued beautiful wit-princess with ease. It’s the writing of this film that lets her down, in general, that’s the problem with it. The storyline and design are great, but the actual dialogue lacks the pace and bite that a quip-ridden star vehicle needs. This Constance is given simultaneously more and less to do than the Constance of the original book, who demonstrates at every turn the superiority of her intellect over D’Artagnan, but doesn’t get to pretend to be a Musketeer and whip her hat off to show her flowing golden hair like she does in the 2011. 

The best character, for my money, in The Three Musketeers is Milady de Winter. Even Dumas got so obsessed with her that there are full chapters of the book written from pretty much her perspective. In the book, she’s described as a terrifying genius with powers of persuasion so potent that any jailor she speaks to must be instantly replaced. My favourite Milady is absolutely Faye Dunaway from 1973. She’s ferocious and beautiful and ruthless, but potentially looks even better because the portrayals in the other films are so very bad. 

The 1993 version has your typical blonde 90s baddie woman (Rebecca De Mornay), she wouldn’t look out of place as a scary girlfriend in an episode of Friends or Frasier. 2011 boasts Milla Jovovich who presents us a much more physical version of the character, even doing an awkwardly shoe-horned anachronistic hall of lasers a la Entrapment except instead of lasers its really thin pieces of glass? The “yeah but it looks cool” attitude to anachronism in this film is what makes it fun, and Jovovich’s Milady isn’t awful, she’s just let down by a plot point that she shares with 1993 Milady. Both these adaptations get really hooked on the fact that Athos used to be married to Milady at one time (conveniently leaving out the less justifiable character point that Athos TRIED TO HANG HER when he found out she had been branded as a thief - doesn’t wash so well with the modern audiences, I think.) Rather than hating/fearing Milady, the two modern adaptations suggest that Athos is still in love with her and pines for her. This detracts from Athos’ character just as much as it detracts from Milady’s. Interestingly, and I don’t know where this came from (if it was in the book I definitely missed it), both films feature a confrontation between the two where Athos points a gun at Milady but she pre-empts him by throwing herself off a cliff (or in the 2011, an air-ship.) I think both these versions were concerned that Milady was an anti-feminist character because she’s so wantonly evil, but I disagree. Equality means it is absolutely possible for Milady to be thoroughly evil and hated by the musketeers just as much as they hate Rochefort and the Cardinal. If you want to sort out the gender issues with this story, round Constance out and give her proper dialogue, don’t make Milady go weak at the knees because of whiny Athos (both Athos characters are exceedingly whiny, 1973 Athos is just...mashed).

The Musketeers

These guys are pretty important to get right in a film called The Three Musketeers. They have to be flawed, funny but kind of cool. Richard Chamberlain is an absolute dish in the 1973 version, capturing all those qualities in one. Is it clear which version is my favourite yet?

Athos is played variously by a totally hammered Oliver Reed (1973), a ginger-bearded Kiefer Sutherland (1993) and a badly bewigged Matthew McFadyen (2011). They all have in common the role of being the most level-headed character, but the focus on the relationship between Athos and Milady in the 93 and 11 editions undermines this a lot. Athos should be cool and aloof, instead of mooning over Milady the entire time. The 2011 gives Athos some painfully “edgy” lines like “I believe in this (points at wine) this (flicks coin) and this (stabs coin with knife.)...” which McFadyen ( once oh so perfect as Mr Darcy) doesn’t quite pull off. 

Porthos seems to be the musketeer who is the most different between interpretations. A foppish dandy in the 1973, a pirate (!?!) in the 1993, and then just...large in 2011. I think the mistake made in the 2011 is that large alone does not a personality make. There are hints at Porthos’ characterisation from the book: his dependence on rich women for money and his love of fine clothing, but these are only included as part of his introduction and never crop up again through the rest of the film. Pirate Porthos in 1993 is... you know what, fine, you guys were clearly throwing everything at the wall and seeing what stuck. 

Aramis is our dishy Richard Chamberlain in 1973, followed by womanising Charlie Sheen in 1993 and then strikingly suave Luke Evans in 2011. I actually didn’t mind Luke Evans’ interpretation, his dialogue is forgettable but his sleek charm stuck in my head. For some reason, this version has Aramis working as a parking attendant for horses, it worked for me as a fun A Knight’s Tale-esque bit of anachronistic character development. Charlie Sheen has never managed to appear likable or attractive to me and so his role in the 1993 falls flat. In fact, in that edition there’s not much distinction between the musketeers as characters and they’re all just very 90s and American. As anyone who’s read this blog before will expect, I think Keanu Reeves as Aramis would have really upped this film’s game. In fact, Keanu Reeves as Aramis, Brad Pitt as Athos and Will Smith as Porthos could have been the ultimate 90s adaptation, throw in DiCaprio as D’Artagnan and Roger Allam as the Cardinal and I’m fully sold. 

The King and Queen

All three films try and do the “Queen’s Diamonds” storyline, but only the 1973 actually includes the Queen’s affair with Buckingham. The queen, played by Geraldine Chaplin, is a tragic romantic figure (she doesn’t have a tonne to do besides being wistful and sighing over Lord Buckingham). The king is played as a frivolous idiot by Jean-Pierre Cassel (voice dubbed by Richard Briers). He doesn’t really think of the queen as a person, more as a possession that he doesn’t want Buckingham to have. 

In the 1993 version, Buckingham doesn’t really feature, and it’s the queen’s refusal to get off with the Cardinal that prompts his fury at her. The book does touch on the Cardinal’s desire for the queen, but it’s placed front and centre in 1993. This is definitely the boobsiest version, with quite a lot of corsetry on show and a cardinal who hits on literally all the women. The king is shown as a stroppy teenage boy under the thumb of the cardinal, who just wants to ask the queen to the dance but doesn’t have the nerve. The king is, essentially, a Fall Out Boy lyric. 

The 2011 also seems to be really squeamish about the idea of the queen having an extramarital affair. It paints Buckingham (played with excellent wig and aplomb by Orlando Bloom) as a stylish villain, who’s advances the queen has rejected. Like the 1993 version, the King is a feckless youth rendered speechless by the presence of his wife. Both these versions want the King and Queen to be happy together, while the 1973 doesn’t give a fuck. 

The Cardinal and his Cronies

The cardinal is kind of universally an evil creepy guy. One of the characters from the 1973 version who actually left the least impression on me, played by Charlton Heston. I think he’s overshadowed in my recollection by cartoonishly evil Christopher Lee as Rochefort. Lee’s Rochefort is dark, mysterious and wonderfully bad, and so influential that all other incarnations’ design is based on him. The 1993 version had truly over the top Michael Wincott as a character I could honestly refer to as Darth Rochefort from the way he’s framed, while 2011 boasts a chronically underused Mads Mikkelsen in the role. 

Cardinal-wise, 1993 was my favourite with Tim Curry in all his ecclesiastical splendour. It was disappointing that everything about this film, including the Cardinal’s sexual harassment of every single female character, really didn’t work for me. Tim Curry is a natural choice for this role and gives it his campy all. 

2011 has not one but two trendy bond villain actors, with Mikkelsen working alongside Christoph Waltz who was...just kind of fine. I was really excited when he appeared but he didn’t really push the character far enough and left me cold. 

Story

The story is where the different adaptations diverge most completely. 1973 follows the plot of the novel, D’Artagnan comes to Paris, befriends the Musketeers and becomes embroiled in a plot by the Cardinal to expose the Queen’s affair with Buckingham through the theft of two diamond studs. D’Artagnan, aided partially by the musketeers, must travel to London to retrieve the set of twelve studs gifted by the King to the Queen, and by the Queen to Buckingham. He does so, the plot is foiled, he’s made into a musketeer! Hurrah, tankards all round.

The 1993 version drops D’Artagnan into the story just as the Cardinal has disbanded the Musketeers. I found the plot of this one really hard to follow and I think at some point D’Artagnan ended up in the Bastille? There was this whole plot point about how Rochefort had killed D’Artagnan’s father. In the original, and in the 1973 version, D’Artagnan’s entire beef with Rochefort is rooted in a joke Rochefort makes about D’Artagnan’s horse. I guess for the producers of this one, a horse insult is not enough motivation for a lifelong grudge. That is really the problem with the entire film, it forgets that the story as told by Dumas is set in a world where men duel over such petty things as “criticising one’s horse”, “blocking one’s journey down a staircase” and “accusing one of having dropped a lady’s handkerchief.” The colour palette and styling are very 90s “fun fun fun”, but the portrayal of the cardinal and the endless angst about D’Artagnan’s father really dampen the mood. 

The 2011 version, this is where the shit really hits the fan. We meet our musketeers as they collaborate with Milady to steal the blueprints for a flying ship (it’s like a piratecore zeppelin). Milady betrays them and gives the plans to Buckingham, they all become jaded and unemployed. D’Artagnan arrives on the scene (his American accent explained by the fact that he’s from a different part of France) and befriends the Musketeers. The cardinal tries to frame the queen for infidelity by having Milady steal her diamonds to hide them in Buckingham’s safe at the tower of London. Something something Constance, something something help me D’Artagnan you’re my only hope. MASSIVE AIRSHIP BATTLE. The king and queen have a dance. James Corden cracks wise. 

It seems like as time has passed, producers, writers and directors have felt compelled to embellish the story. I think, specifically in the case of the two later versions, this is because they wanted the films to resemble the big successes of the period. Everybody knows no Disney hero can be in possession of both parents, so D’Artagnan is out to avenge his father like Simba or Luke Skywalker. In the 2011 version, the plot is overblown and overcomplicated in what seems like an attempt to replicate the success of both the Sherlock Holmes and Pirates of the Caribbean franchises. Remember the plot of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End? No, me neither. 

Style

The style of these films grows increasingly wild along with the plots as time passes. The 1973 features a lot of slapstick comedy, some of which really made me cackle, and some of which was cringeworthily sexist (Constance’s boobs through the window of a litter.) That’s the 70s though! I love The Godfather but Diane Keaton’s character is unbelivably dull and annoying. Star Wars features a pretty good female character but she does end up in that bikini. The 70s seems to be a time of movies that were great except for their occasional headlong dive into misogyny. That doesn’t mean the entire movie is bad, it just means it’s suffering from the consequences of being made in the 70s. There were other consequences of this, I doubt many modern productions could get away with physically injuring so many of it’s cast members. From a glance down the IMDB trivia page, this film yielded a higher casualties to cast ratio than the My Chemical Romance Famous Last Words music video, and that’s a hard figure to top. 

The 1993 version is a Disney feature and suffers from having a thin sheen (not Charlie in this instance) of “Disney Original Movie” pasted over every scene. It looks like The Parent Trap might be filming in the adjacent studio a lot of the time. The vibrancy of the colours makes the costumes look unrealistic, while the blandness of the female characters means this movie ends up a bit of a bland bro-fest. Also occasionally the sexual and violent moments really jar with the overall tone making it an uneven watch. One minute it’s Charlie Sheen cracking jokes about trying to get off with someone’s wife, the next minute you see Milady throw herself off a cliff and land on the rocks. Weird choices all round. 

The 2011 version, as I’ve already mentioned, was trying to borrow its style from the success of Sherlock Holmes and Pirates of the Caribbean, with a little Ocean’s 11 thrown in. The soundtrack flips between not quite a Hans Zimmer score and not quite that other Hans Zimmer score, and after the success of Stardust it ends with a Take That song (for it to match up to the story it should have been Take That feat. Harry styles imho). Visually, there’s some fantastic travel by mapping going on, there’s far too much CGI (one of my friends pointed out that the canal in Venice seemed to be full of Flubber). Everyone is dressed in black leather, and there are not enough big hats at all. One of the best things about Musketeers films is that they’re an excuse for ridiculous hats, and in a film with a quite frankly insane visual style, I’m surprised the hats didn’t make it through. The cast, unfortunately, really lack chemistry which means the humorous dialogue is either stilted or James Corden, and the editing is just very strange. It’s one of those films that feels about as disjointed as an early morning dream, the one where you dream you’ve woken up, gotten dressed and fed the cat, but you actually are still in bed. 

Conclusion

Adaptations focus on different things depending on the context they were created in. The 2005 Pride and Prejudice is deliberately “grittier” than its 1990s predecessor, at a stage when “grit” was everywhere (The Bourne Identity, Spooks, Constantine). The Musketeers adaptations demonstrate exactly the same thing: what people wanted in the 70s was bawdy comedy and slapstick with a likeable idiot hero, the 90s clearly called for... Charlie Sheen and bright colours, and the 2010s just want too much of everything and a soundtrack with lots of banging and crashing. The more modern adaptations simplified the female characters (although the 1973 version definitely is guilty of oversimplifying Constance) while over-complicating the plot. There’s a lot of embellishment going on in the 2011 version that suggests the film wasn’t very sure of itself, it pulls its plot punches while simultaneously blindly flailing its stylistic fists. 

The film that works the best for me will always be the 1973 because it’s pretty straight down the line. Musketeers are good, Milady is evil, falling over is funny and the King’s an idiot. The later adaptations seem to be trying to fix problems with the story that the 1973 version just lets fly. The overcorrection of Milady and the under characterisation of Constance is the perfect example of this. If you want your Musketeers adaptation to be more feminist, don’t weaken Milady, strengthen Constance. Sometimes a competent female character is all that we need. A Constance who is like Florence Cassel from Death in Paradise or  Ahn Young-yi from Misaeng could really pack a punch.

I adored the energy of the 2011 adaptation, I loved how madcap it was, I loved how it threw historical accuracy to the wind. I thought the king was adorable, and I really enjoyed seeing Orlando Bloom hamming it up as Buckingham. I was genuinely sad that the sequel the ending sets up for never came, because once they got out of the sticky dialogue and into the explosions, the film was great fun. It was a beautiful disaster that never quite came together, but I really enjoyed watching it. I love films that have a sense of wild chaos, some more successful examples are The Devil’s Advocate, Blow Dry and Lego Batman. I think the spirit of going all out on everything can sometimes result in the best cinematic experience, it’s just a shame the script wasn’t really up to muster for 2011 Musketeers. 

I’m excited to see what the next big budget Musketeers adaptation brings, even if I’m going to have to wait another ten years to see it. I hope it’s directed by Chad Stahelski, that’d really float my boat (through the sky, like a zeppelin.)

[bluealmondpie]

haikyuu!boyfriends!

ho ho ho me and my love for side characters has struck again~ the coaches are all so underrated and it is not fair so here is some love for our wonderful swan coach

bf!akira (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

* the picture of reliability

* this man knows. he is observant to details

* totally can tell when you're angry or upset or excited. he pays a lot of attention.

* i imagine he would be nervous on the first date, and it might b a lil over the top? a nice restaurant and an uncomfortably dressed (see: formal) akira with flowers. it's adorable (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)

* he is easy to tease. cute reactions. he usually will gently rebuff after being surprised or shocked, but he doesn't mind on the inside. actually it's q obvious he doesn't mind so you can keep teasing him if u want he will tease you back, and it's an enjoyable sort of push and pull

* nowadays dates are more chill, usually hanging around his apartment (you've practically moved in at this point) cooking, watching movies or reading together

* akira is p laid back. a little short of happy go lucky, he goes with the flow most days. his easy going nature makes your relationship really comfortable. it's such a cute little relationship filled with domestic scenes and just so... simple and sweet ugh.

* imagine: he's late home because of volleyball practice. he comes back to see you asleep on the couch with lukewarm pudding on the table, and just softly smiles. the tiredness melts away. he puts the pudding in the fridge and gently lifts you up to move you to the bedroom. akira? you mumble, your eyes fluttering open. mm i'm back, he says softly. rest, i'll join you in a bit. you pull him closer and he kisses your forehead to seal the promise as he places you under the covers. he washes up quietly and slips in next to you, and you curl into his chest. he wraps his arms around you and closes his eyes. you both drift off to sleep.

* i imagine he likes plants but he's not v good at taking care of them. you've set up the reminders on his phone to water the different succulents he has (just two, because he's killed enough to make him sad. you bought the first one for him when you were out grocery shopping and you noticed him staring at the little baby succulents. when it passed away he admitted he wasn't good at taking care of plants and you replaced it, setting up watering alarms for him. the other was a gift from a student.) he's feeling a lot more successful about this recently. the succulents are on his phone lock screen. you are the home screen.

* when you're sick he will take you to the doctor's. he will bring you warm porridge and feed you. he will sit beside you while you sleep and read or watch game tapes on headphones. one of his hands will be holding yours.

* when you're angry he will get flustered. he will send flowers and cards and balloons. he doesn't want you to be angry, and he's usually p observant so it's probably pretty rare for you to be angry at him.

* if you're angry about work or something he will rub circles on your back while listening to you rant. will totally buy you bubble tea (or your choice of favourite drink) so u feel better. he thinks you're cute when you're ranting

* the shiratorizawa kids don't know he is dating. tendou has an inkling, but he hasn't said anything cos he cannot confirm. washijou sensei doesn't know either, but anabara knows. maybe anabara introduced you two, bc he thinks that saitou needs more female friends. he probably didn't think you two would hit it off so well. in hindsight he thinks he should have seen it coming.

* i've said he is easygoing, but he isn't a pushover either. the emotional support pillar of shiratorizawa, he is the teacher they look up to because he is fun and so relatable. washijou obviously knows this and leaves the rapport up to akira. you think it's cute how he stays up late to reply to tendou's strange and silly life questions or giving comments on the latest shounen jump, or teaching goshiki calming down strategies. sometimes you think he puts in too much effort since he gets really tired staying up late, but he is happy doing that so you hold back your criticism and just make sure he gets more rest on his off days.

* i imagine the team finds out one fine day after they've all graduated. tendou is especially excited to know more about your relationship. akira will be flustered, but it will be okay. you've heard enough about them that you know who is who before they introduce themselves. the boys will find it heartwarming to know that their coach loves them enough to talk about them with you. you secretly want to adopt all of them. akira will oppose they have families! we can't tear them away /ahhh but you want to, don't you, you tease him.

* domestic dates! imagine 2: it's sunday evening and you're both hungry and decide to cook dinner. there's no food in the apartment as usual (he usually goes out or gets takeout) so you both head to the nearby super. you argue lightly about how to tell fresh produce apart and which is the cheapest/most value for money deals. the cashier mistakes you for a newly wedded couple. akira laughs, blushing slightly. neither of you correct the cashier. the walk back to his apartment is filled with quiet expectation. akira wonders what kind of rings you like, and what kind would look good on you. he glances at your interlaced fingers and smiles. he can't think of any better than a wedding band.

*******

i know haikyuu is one of those mangas with a huge huge cast and even tho people consider hinata/kageyama to be the main mcs and to a certain extent karasuno as main also and therefore all the other teams are side characters, but this makes our coaches truly the most sideline characters ever. but still they are all quite well written support characters and so ive always wanted to give them a little more fleshed out stories. also domestic akira is so cute they r also so underrated. the young hq coaches all deserve our love! ukai obv but so is our coach saitou here and let's not forget mizoguchi and naoi. anabara is a lil older than them i would think~ (i'm a little annoyed at those people saying that they like older men but they only talk about keishin like oooook sure idk maybe but have u considered that u just like bad boys with a soft heart and not older men??)

requests are open, rules are here ♪( ´▽｀)

masterlist here (♡-♡)

next hq!bf post will only have the same team tagged, cos there's so many to link now (;-;) please click on masterlist~

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Witness State & Coup de Grâce | Feeding Habits Update #3

Hey People of Earth!

Before we get into this update, TRIGGER WARNING that this chapter discusses attempted suicide, mental health issues, animal cruelty, toxic relationships, and some nods to starvation, so if these are topics you’re sensitive about, I would skip out on this update!

This chapter was a slight nightmare to draft as it went through many, many iterations due to a real struggle to attain the desired emotional arc, and also because of a few logistical problems. In total, it’s about two and a half months of work as it combines some scenes from the old chapter two while also patching areas I cut with new content. Despite the difficulties, I am so happy I pushed through because the final product is quite strong. Here’s a scene breakdown:

Scene A:

We start at the “beautiful place” AKA the cove Lonan and Eliza frequently visit. The last time we’ve seen Lonan was at the end of chapter two, when he had his mild “public freakout moment” on the steps of a cathedral. 

On the beach, he rests on the shoreline while reflecting on all the things he’s been tormented by since chapter two (wicked children, fathers, parenthood etc).

He sees an illusion of his father who is obviously not there (he’s very dead!) which propels him to converse about him with Eliza (remembering that Eliza and Lonan’s father were once romantically involved).

This conversation goes south as Lonan is able to unpiece some of Eliza’s mistruths until Lonan finally admits he wants to see his father again, insisting he’s still “alive” through the darkroom abandoned in Oregon him and Harrison failed to destroy in ch. 1 of Moth Work.

Scene B:

Lonan watches a moth through the window (that moth motif tho). Here he recounts what occurred at the hospital in ch. 2--the mother and her three kids taking him there, and then eventually being whisked away by Eliza.

Lonan heads to the kitchen to drink an acetaminophen but quickly realizes he’s not alone in the main apartment. His father sits on the couch looking over photo albums, each leaf holding the same photo: the postcard of Eliza that Harrison initially finds in chapter one of Moth Work. This vision obviously does not exist and is prompted by sleep deprivation but he doesn't know that lol.

Seeing this photo and his father prompt him to believe that he can only get away from this feeling of being haunted without Eliza in his life and further bad decisions ensue which I won’t get into!

I explained the meaning of the title HERE.

Excerpts:

Here’s the opening bit which is the most recent addition to the chapter:

The water is never murky, but today it doesn’t sparkle. Like it’s taken a low dose of cyan, it foams pale against the shore, an offering that wets the tips of Lonan’s shoes. He sits under the cove with one hand pressed into the current, each singular wave like a finger tottering over his veins. Today, their beautiful place is only an arched wall of stones and roily ocean.

Eliza is sunbathing. She lies on her back in the centre of the cove, where its mouth opens to a ceiling of sun. On the drive from the hospital, they both remained silent, Eliza’s hands taut like leather around the steering wheel, and Lonan’s head soldered to the cool window. Even when she pulled into the lot of a diner, named after a vague Canadian city or perennial flower, she said nothing, exiting the car to return to it with two crayon-coloured slushies, his red, hers orange. By the time she pulled up to the beach, her drink was half empty, his fully melted, urging against the brim of the cup. He followed her when she exited the car, parked against a row of pebbles, and placed his hand palm-first against the water the moment she lay against the sand and closed her eyes. Now, water puckers over the shoreline and between each of his fingers, a sort of absent massage. The water is a dull, vitamin-like blue. Warmer than he’s expected for the middle of February, pleasantly pruning his fingertips.

This is a direct continuation of that:

The sun has started to set. It flares against the horizon, its orange singeing the water’s blue. Like in front of the church, it fills him, its heat a comfortable grip around his throat. Though it should remind him to keep awake, its warmth lulls him closer to the sand until he rests his head just where the water laps. He knows it says nothing. He knows he has not slept in days. But to him, its rays nurse his skin like the loop of a nursery rhyme, and when he is parallel to the sky, he closes his eyes and welcomes the sun like it’s an infection. As colours pulse underneath his eyelids, water soaks the crown of his head, and it truly is like being buried at sea, just him, the sun, and the water at his perimeter.

The next chapter in this update is chapter four, aka Coup de Grace. This chapter was an absolute joy to write after struggling to get a handle on chapters two and three, and I’d consider writing this chapter to be, by far, the best writing sessions of my life. In this chapter I feel I really figured out the “crux” of Lonan’s character/his darkest secret, and that’s essentially that he believes all children are the wicked stems of adults, a belief he actually doesn't want to have, and actively combats until he sort of becomes absorbed by it. I learned a lot about my boy in this chapter and learning such important details about a character I’ve been writing for five years feels like a gift!

This chapter plays with form/the timeline a bit because we jump around on the timeline, almost like a movie that begins at the end. This was difficult to do in fiction, but I think I pulled it off, and am really happy with the chapter. Bear with me tho as this breakdown may be confusing:

Scene A:

We start with Lonan rapidly making his way to his father’s darkroom which sits in the middle of a forest. He’s brought supplies with him to destroy it.

The first line of this chapter mimics the first line of Moth Work, which you’ll see below.

Scene B:

We jump back in the fictive past to the morning that would’ve occurred right after the end of chapter three. Lonan goes about his morning routine but is disrupted by a loud thud from outside. Anya, the woman he’s befriended from chapter two, has jumped from the roof of the apartment complex. This attempt is unsuccessful.

His first reaction is to run to Anya’s apartment to see if her son, Joey, is okay. 

Scene C:

Less of a scene and more of an internal monologue of Lonan reflecting on Anya’s attempted suicide, and that he feels in some ways, she’s administered her own “death blow”.

Scene D:

Eliza takes Lonan to his father’s cabin to “get him away” from what’s happening at the apartment since he’s really taking the news badly.

Eliza tries to get Lonan to eat something because he hasn’t eaten much since Anya’s news, and they have a conversation about Eliza’s motives in volunteering Lonan to help Anya in the first place.

Scene E:

A flashback where 14-year-old Lonan and his father are at the cabin, about to kill a fish using the ikejime method. His father has informed him the fish is dead, but Lonan knows this is very much a lie.

Scene F:

The fictive present, where Lonan lies on a couch inside the cabin, Eliza tending to a fire. He has a bad feeling (he’s right about that lol)

Scene A2:

We continue the events from scene A as Lonan enters the darkroom, only to find out it’s been cleared out save for three pictures hanging that tell a story and reveals a lot of Eliza’s secrets.

All you need to know about these photos is that it makes their romance feel somewhat like a lie lol.

Eliza finds him at the darkroom despite telling him not to go alone, and Lonan tries to process the new info/secrets revealed.

Scene G:

In the fictive present, Eliza cuts off Lonan’s hair and together they burn each weft. They discuss a few things (his father, the women he’s befriended, future children, mating habits of the praying mantis)

Scene E2:

Back to the flashback where Lonan and his father have killed, cleaned, and eaten the fish. They rinse their hands off in the lake before his father knocks them both into the water.

Excerpts:

This is the opening, ft. the mirroring first line which makes me a lil too giddy:

The darkroom isn’t haunted, but a dead man owns it—and he knows exactly where to find him. Through the woods, Lonan brushes past bushes of gooseberries and wild rhubarb, a gas can sloshing rhythmically in his hands. In his teeth, he holds his flashlight so its beam brightens the pathway. It is not yet dawn.

This is a description of the darkroom that leads to the end of the scene:

He shouldn’t know where he’s going. The forest is so dense and unanimous, a duplication of itself, nothing more than repetitions of the same tree, same flower, same stream. But he doesn’t need to see to know where his feet take him—he doesn’t even need the flashlight. He’s memorized the direction to the darkroom like the pattern of veins on his own arm.

He is not surprised to see it still stands. As if protected from rain, thunderstorms, the fallen trees that crisscross at the walkway; it’s always been a divine place. The air is damp, and particles of mist cling to his throat.

He sets the gas can in front of the steel panelling that makes the door with urgency. He does not need to rush but cannot take his time.

Wildflowers burst from in between the cracks of concrete the shed sits on and he knows each species like they’ve been bred in his blood. Wax flowers, thistles, clusters of asters he’d sometimes gather as a boy and leave as offerings in the heart of the forest’s most prominent clearings, like an offering, or a ransom.

Lonan kneels once the first thread of sunlight leaks between the whisper of trees. He is familiar with this forest, the cabin not too far away, the messages the water speaks to him when he sits at its edge most nights, why the darkroom was his father’s favourite place and why it always will be. So when sunlight hits his eyes, he presses his fingertips against his lips, and looks to the sky for mercy.

Lonan watching his fave TV show that leads into Anya’s jump:

He turned the television onto its usual program while on his last three mandarin segments and looked on as a herd of caribou dotted a waterway. They moved like the current, pattering along the prairie, worriless. He should have heard the part where a wolf caught up to the herd, the same wolf that would later go on to single out a young fawn and silence it with two teeth in its throat like bullet wounds. He should have seen the part where the prey was consumed, its flesh a desperate shade of red. But the thud distracted him. Maybe not even a thud, more like a crash. A sound he felt in his temples, a ringing in his ear, like a chickadee. Lonan set the skin of the mandarin onto the coffee table and stood slowly. It’s his body that moved him, no force of the mind, toward the balcony. In one movement, he unlocked and shoved open the glass sliding door, rucking it forward with his body weight when it stuck. On his lip, he tasted citrus and salt, a mixture of fruit and sweat.

He heard death before he saw it. The way each identical sliding door of the apartment units around him shook open, just like his. What a woman on the sidewalk declared, her tone so shrill, he couldn’t tell if she was delighted or horrified, something like, “I thought she was a bird—I thought she was a gift from heaven.” The garbled sound of an infant, confused by the sound concrete makes when a human batters it.

We get Lonan’s first response and some Joey and *that stunning motif tho*:

Lonan did not deescalate the stairs to the ground floor to join the growing crowd. He did not call an ambulance or rush to perform CPR. He ran upward, scaling flights of stairs as if airborne, with little effort. Once he reached her unit, it was the tin of madeleines he noticed first, sitting unopened, untouched, dare he thought, neglected on her welcome mat. It’s this that lulled him, freezing him in place for a moment. He recollected nothing of bringing the madeleines to her the evening previous, of leaving them neatly tucked against her straw welcome mat. Innocently idle there, his gift unrecognized.

Joey sat on the couch. The television was on, projecting technicolor polygons onto the boy’s face. Lonan did not register what it was he watched, which animated shapes pounced and danced on screen. Joey did not cry at first. He sat, staring wondrously at the screen like it was a trap door to a different dimension. The socks secured around his miniature feet looked freshly ironed, and his hair smelled like his mother did when Lonan first met her—like coconuts.

The buzzing of onlookers and neighbours sounded like the caribou running. A constant drumming of a snare, a guttural kind of ambience. He thought of Anya the day previous, her desperate excitement to paint over the wall, the way she mixed that orange juice drink, incredulous, experienced. He thought of the sourdough he never picked up, and there on the counter they sat, one torn down the middle like it was ripped bare-handed, the other skewered with a chef’s knife. He thought of Anya’s hospitality, her coy excuses to help them both avoid embarrassment, the way each part of her apartment transformed into gold. He thought of their conversation, Anya’s initial instruction when she left him alone with her son. So when Joey cried, Lonan knew exactly to reach for the remote and tick the volume up until his sobbing quieted, like the last few minutes of a rainstorm, passionately loud, then stunningly silent.

Here we briefly reference 2 Kings 21:6: “And he burned his son as an offering and used fortune-telling and omens and dealt with mediums and with necromancers. He did much evil in the sight of the Lord, provoking him to anger.”

Anya will never be the mother she once was, in the capacity she longed to be. Joey will grow up without a father and with a mother who cannot mother him in the ways she’d always hoped; he’ll have no one to recreate. That is the real loss—what could have been. Anya burned herself into an offering, administered her own kill shot, provoked her own fate; either life or death, and her fate chose neither.

The following mirrors something Lonan’s sister, Reeve, says in Houses With Teeth about hunger:

The day Anya jumped from her balcony onto the sidewalk below, Eliza took Lonan to his father’s cabin. In a daze, he watched her pack a bag with enough things to tide them over for a month, and in that same daze, they reached the cabin before sunset. That night, Eliza rifled through the cabinets to put together a meal, and her findings assembled as a can of tuna topped with crumbles of saltines—cheap take on a deconstructed pâté.

She served him his dinner on a set of plates he vaguely recognized—terrazzo with a scalloped edge, maybe held a scrambled egg or halved tomato when he was a child. He stared through the French doors, down to the water that padded below. Even when she tried some for herself, putting on her enjoyment in exclamations like “It’s a culinary masterpiece. Refined. Daring. A little spectacular,” she couldn’t convince him to eat. His appetite disappeared when Anya fell from the sky; there would be no hunger as penance.

This is the fish flashback:

Lonan knows the fish is not dead. He is fourteen but not naïve. Sun warms the back of his neck; maggots shimmer over the gummy slick of the water’s surface. Today is what someone would describe as the perfect day. Trees whisper secrets amongst the spines of their leaves. Birds teeter on the neck of birch trees. A butterfly dusts its wings of the shore’s sand and nips at his childish knuckles.

The fish is not dead. This is fact. In his palm, it expands, its gills like the crescent cut of the moon. The fish is not dead. Its mouth kisses the air like it’s a divine thing, each blip of its lips greedy, like the air tastes of gold. The fish is not dead. Its scales grate against Lonan’s palms, shimmering, its prettiness its last defense mechanism. The fish is not dead.

More with this fish memory:

“It’s dead. It does not even know the taste of life. Why save it?”

“I don’t want to save it,” Lonan says. His father’s wedding band digs into his forehead. To an onlooker, it may look like he’s about to dip him forward into the water, not a drowning, but a baptism.

“What do you want to do with it?”

Mourn it, he wants to say. Pity it. Sacrifice it.

The water whistles ahead of them, all the uncaught sunfish gloriously slashing naively in the water. They are unaware of their future demise, and the current demise of their loved ones, bodies all piled into the net as if on display. Lonan’s eyes sting with lake water, a streak of it dripping onto his lip so when his father reaches over him and secures his hand like a marionette around the screwdriver, he tastes salt and doesn’t stop tasting it.

And the end of part A of the fish memory that gets a little gory:

“It dies for us,” his father says, his voice dampened, like the distant blip of the lake. “So we give it mercy in return.”

As the screwdriver’s tip lowers closer to the fish, Lonan licks his top lip and asks, “Why do we need to show it mercy if it’s already dead?”

“Le coup de grâce. A death blow. To end the suffering of the wounded.”

“But it’s already dead.”

“Even the dead still suffer.”

Lonan does not register when the screwdriver impales the fish’s brain. He does not register when his father uses both their hands to slit the fish’s gills with a hunting knife or register the warm spurting of its blood up their knuckles. He stares at the fish’s glasslike eye, and as he and his father gut and scale the fish, puppet and puppeteer, he imagines the way he’ll feel with its head in his mouth.

Here’s a section from the fictive present:

Seven days after Anya jumps off her apartment’s balcony, Lonan lies on a pig’s leather couch his father once towed in from the city, a damp washcloth doused in eucalyptus essential oil pressed to his forehead.

At first, he fears the blinking comes from stars and that the cabin’s roof has been removed. But as he comes to, he smells it, the earthy crack of wood, the wisp of smoke, and he knows the light that pulses is a fire.

Lonan opens his eyes. As he’s thought, he lies on his father’s couch, essenced water dribbling down his temples from the washcloth. Eliza sits hunched on the stone of the fireplace’s ledge, her shoulders ripening under the orange heat. She’s burning something. The scent of scorched film is not unfamiliar to him. Like his mouth, it is dry and acrid, like the lick of a battery.

“You promised,” she says, as if sensing he’s awoken. Lonan does not move, even as the eucalyptus soak drizzles into his eyes.

Eliza no longer wears the parka. She’s stripped to a pearl-coloured camisole, her feet bare and propped flush against the brick. Glossy red lacquer colours her toenails, reflects the light in ovular patterns along its surface.

“A false witness shall be punished, and a liar shall be caught,” she says. “Proverbs.”

Going to leave this tea here casually:

The darkroom was misplaced. This was Lonan’s first thought when he yanked open its steel panel door and entered to reveal its contents. He did not need the glimmer of a flashlight to confirm his instinct. This was not the same darkroom he’d known as a child, or the darkroom he found his sister in, or the darkroom him and Harrison tried to destroy. Everything was slotted away, puzzled back into a configuration so unknown to him, so wrong to him, that the organization felt more like war.

Unlike when he and Harrison had last stepped foot inside of the darkroom, lugging the gas can along with them, not unlike what he did then, the photos that used to string clothespinned in no justifiable order were now taken down. The bricks of photo paper forming a maze around the developing tables, the amber bottles of chemicals—all of it, meticulously put back in places Lonan knew they never had. Under his boots, he did not feel the crunch of glass or slip of forgotten negatives. The darkroom had been swept clean.

Lonan dropped the gas can at the darkroom’s entrance, and removed the flashlight from between his teeth, thumbing it off. He worked his way around the shed like he’d been wounded, staggering, stopping to hold himself upright. Nothing was in its rightful chaos. Expired film lay stacked in a waste bin he’d never seen before. Bad paper cuts had been shredded. The photos he’d been so accustomed to not looking at, all gone, except for three, evenly clipped on the last three lines.

In the distance, an eagle cawed. The stream trilled. Tadpoles cricketed along the embankment.

Lonan approached the remaining photographs like they’d electrocute him. They were displayed one after the other, each on its own line. The first, a picture not unfamiliar to him. Eliza standing in front of a colourful street of vendors. Her loopy signature on the back a jagged indication of where she signed it, most likely wobbling on a train, or in the back of a taxi. He picked it off its clothespin and held it up to a hole in the roof where sun bled through. Nothing had changed from the photo since he’d taken it last year, and he was almost grateful she’d left it fossilized when she took it from his pocket. His gratitude did not last by the time he saw the second photo, so unexpected, he had to glance twice.

His father stood arced slightly behind him, his hands not visible. Lonan knew where they were—one secured around his forehead, the next urging a screwdriver up a stone. Sun scalded the water’s surface, wrinkled it with light. He remembered the song his father whistled as he fried the sunfish on a birch branch, truly less of a song and more of a reminder as he hummed up and down each minor scale, not once stopping to check his work, like he knew better than any instrument.

Lonan plucked the photograph off the line and held it closer. Though he was shaded mostly by his father’s back, he knew they were both in it. He shouldn’t have been surprised when he turned it over to find that same looping signature inked onto the back, smudged, like she’d forgotten to let the ink dry before handling.

It would’ve been easier to think about the second photo’s implications had he not seen the third. He could’ve excused it—a shot taken by a neighbour, though the cabin was remote. A shot that fired itself, the camera discarded on the ground, though it was taken at eye level. A shot signed with familiar initials E.L.K, as if those letters could stand for anything but Eliza Louise Kiang. It would’ve been easier to excuse her presence. To excuse her knowledge of him, to forget she’d ever told him she didn’t know his father had children, that she swore she’d never have been with him had someone informed her. It would’ve been so much easier.

The last photo was not a photo at all, not in the same capacity at least. The ink had gone purplish from the elements but swirled, almost horror-like around the photo’s frame. He could have pretended the white swishes of colour were strands of lace, or the awkward scratch of photo blur. He could’ve pretended to not understand. But there it was. The light funnelling down on the black and white shape so he understood it was not a photograph he looked at, but a child.

I have already shared this line a few times, but it’s my favourite thing I’ve ever written oops!:

When she looked at him, she grinned, and he turned his face to the ceiling where a hole in the roof caved around a branch. The sun’s eye disappeared behind the bullet of the wood, leaving only its outer edges to skirt the sky, a veiling that felt less like an eclipse, and more like evidence of an exit wound. 

Obligatory “I’m the grass” shoutout:

“All people are like grass, and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field,” he says without once reading what’s actually written on the page. “Isaiah.”

“Isaiah was onto something, don’t you think? Poor grass, poor flowers—they all die in the end, but they have their God. They have their saviour. Everything dying except for God and his word.”

Eliza cuts another clump of hair. The fire welcomes its feed with haste.

“What does this have to do with children?”

“Do you feel you’re the God of these women, Lonan? Are you their saviour?”

Lonan shakes his head. “I’m the grass.”

And to finish:

After they eat the fish, Lonan and his father rinse their hands in the lake. This is respect. This is self-ordinance. This is a holy act.

His father stoops farther into the stream than he does, water nipping his knees. The sun has disappeared beyond the horizon, the sky now coloured periwinkle, silvering his hair. The taste of sunfish coddles Lonan’s tongue, oiled and briny with saltwater. They share a bar of orange glycerin soap, its scent cloying, like a rotting fruit basket. His father peels the bar between his palms, scrubbing until his fingers disappear under suds.

That’s it for this update! Hope y’all enjoyed! :) I’ll be back soon to update on chapter 5!

--Rachel

[godlessfm]

⤿  ––––  op,  well,  hello  !  i’m  neptune  and  it’s  been  a  lil  bit  since  i  last  REALLY  rped. pls  be  gentle.  it’s  like  learning  to  walk  again. anyways,  since  my  intro  posts  are  always  miles  long,  i’m  gonna  try  and  keep  dis  as  short  as  possible  (  spoiler  alert:  it  was  not  short  ).  also.  there’s  300+  typos  in  this  and  i’m  so  sorry  if  none  of  it  makes  sense.  u  got  questions  about  any  of  this,  i  can  answer  it  the  best  i  can.

( harry styles , demiboy , he/they , twenty-six ) omg ! i was walking yonge street downtown , and you’ll never guess who i saw . west holiday ! i just saw a post about them on sixsecrets ! i think it said something like “ heart-breaking, heartthrob west holiday’s series of drunk tweets about his recent sex-capades now have their own twitter account ” . isn’t that wild ? i guess it makes sense though , since they’re apparently abrasive and shameless . but i’ve heard they’re also  indomitable and debonair ! i’ll just stick to giving them the benefit of the doubt . i mean , it’s not like i know them personally — they’re a famous singer/songwriter ! you know , i’ve actually heard rumors that ( redacted ) , but they’re just rumors … i think . i dunno . if you happen to run into them , tell them i’m their biggest fan !  (  the  1975  career  claim  )

so,  first  and  foremost.  fuck  this  kid.  i  hate  this  guy  and  i’m  sure  you  will  too.  not  because  i  think  he’s  fleshed  out  bad  or  anything,  he’s  just  the  #Worst. i’m  just  gonna  go  straight  onto  bullet  points  bc  this  will  actually  take  years  if  i  rant  on  about  this  boy. 

to  start  of,  he  didn’t  really  grow  up  great.  like  ya  he  was  mad  rich,  but  his  two  moms  cannot  stand  each  other.  they  were  constantly  yelling  at  each  other  and  throwing  things  but  hey.  west  just  kind  of  *wipes  tears  w  hundos*  so  he  didn’t  think  it  was  that  rough

he  grew  up  mainly  in  cheshire,  england,  there  for  he  has  a  pretty  heavy,  thick accent  that  comes  across  in  his  music.  i mean.... his  career  claim  is  the 1975  so you  know  that  i  mean

uh  he  has  lil,  baby  sister,  anabelle .  she’s  v  small  so  sadly  no  wc.  but  she  is  his  whole  world  and  if  you  saw  them  together  u  would  think  west  has  nice  twin  brother.  he  doesn’t  but.  if  he  did.... west  is  the  evil  twin.

though  they  always  fought  they  stayed  together  for  some  dumb  reason,  that  dumb  reason  that  they’re  lil  boy  got  MAD  RICH.  he  started  of  making  some  cash  by  playing  out  on  busy  foot  traffic  areas  and  having  a  guitar  case  wide  open .  and  people  would  just  toss  money  in  there  and  once  he  saw  a  career  in  this  he  straight  up  just  dropped  out  of  high  school  and  pursued  music.  basically,  what  i’m  saying  is,  he’s  dumb.  big  dumb.

besides  being  the  biggest  dummy  he’s  really  super  talented  i  swear.  the  only  problem  is  that’s  his  ONLY  redeeming  quality. im  not  even  being  dramatic.  that’s it. that’s  the  only  good  thing  about  him.  like  yeah,  he’s  charming  and  he’s  strong  or  whatever  but  do u  think  he  uses  that  for  good ??? NO. 

he’s  quite  literally  the  guy  you  have  in  your  phone  as  ‘DNR’  bc  if  u  do  he’s  gonna  try  and  charm  you  into  coming  over  just  so  he  can  hook  up  with  you  and  get  you  an  uber  when  y’all  are  done.  he  won’t  even  cuddle  u  wtf  bro.

TRUE LIFE: I’m A Disaster Bi

if  y’all  wanted  to  know  he  is  covered  in  tattoos  just  like  harry,  and  he’s  short - haired  harry.  even  tho  as  my  fren  put  it:  all  harry  lives  matter.  watch  me  making  west  grow  it  out  bc  long - haired  harry  is  my  personal fave.  we’ll  see  how  long  it  takes  for  me  to  cave. place ur Bets

uh . so  about  that  headline ... am  i  right  Laid  Ease.  uh,  so  basically,  he  recent  made  like  74  tweets  about  the  guys,  gals  n  enby  pals  that  had  recently  been  in  his  bed  bc  all  he  does  is  eat,  play  music  and  sleep  w  anything  that  breaths. im so  sorry  for  that  but  chances  are  .  if  you  let  him,  he  will  get  u  into  his  bed.  or  try  his  best .

pls  dont  be  offended  if  y’all  have  slept  together / met  and  he  doesn’t  remember  you  name .  chances  are  he  will  call  you  bro,  dude,  babe,  etc  until  he  remembers  your  name  or  you  remind  him

west  has  this  rly  weird  habit,  it’s  kind  of  funny.  HE WILL TRY  AND  SHOVE  HIMSELF  INTO  YOUR  DRAMA  BC  HE  IS  BORED.  like  sure. he  means  well  ........ Well. no  he  doesn’t.  he’s  a  little  shit  and  is  so  proud  of  it

pls  hate  him.  im  beggin  u  he  thrives  of  being  hated,  he  rly  does  like  he’s  got  fans  that  love  him  and  see  the  him  that  stops  to  take  pictures/calls  you  honey/loves  his  fans.  but  he’s  like..... simply  put ?? A  Dick.

u h.  so  since  he’s  horrible  he’s  never. EVER. been  in  love.  any  relationship  he’s  ever  been  in  is  100%  fake  and  means  nothing  to  him.  it’s  all  for  pr  and  he  knows  it’ll  get  his  ratings  up  so  like. 

i  truly  cannot  think  of  anything  else  so  like....... uh . pls  plot  with  me.  i’ll  make  him  a  pinterest  in  a  lil  bit.  but  until  then,  this  is  all  i’ve  got.  he’s  still  a  total  work  in  progress  but  u  kno . 

okay  !  so  !�� that  was  a  giant  mess.  but,  i do  have  a  quick  little  list  of  wcs  before  i  actually  work  up  a  whole  wc  page  !

001.  100%  smash  on  a  game  of  smash  or  pass:  uh . so lets  say  west  played  a  game  of  smash  or  pass  on  a  talk  show  and  they  asked  him  who  is  his  number  one  smash.  das  where  ur  muse  comes  in .  ur  muse  is  his  number  one  smash.  ALWAYS. 

002.  most  recent  public  relationship:  so  west  and  ur  muse  were  probably  spotted  out  somewhere  and  his  pr  team  was  like.  wow  ur  album  is  blowin  up  keep  asking  this  person  to  hang  out  with  and  plead  the  fifth  if  they  ask  if  y’all  are  together.  ur  muse  can  choose  whether  they  were  together  or  not.  but  at  this  point  they’re  definitely  NOT  together,  but  they  could’ve  stayed  friends  or  not.  we  luv  enemies. 

003.  dead to me:  would  absolutely  kill  for  this  plot. bc i  LOVE  enemy  plots .  but  basically  west  and  ur  muse  dated,  you  know,  for  pr.  he  didn’t  love  them  no way jose.  but  it  ended  REALLY  badly  and  ur  muse  absolutely  despises  him... rightfully  so.  but  basically  we  can  totally  work  on  this  but  i’m  sure  they  get  into  twitter  feuds.  their  breakup  was  v messie  GIVE  IT  TO  ME. 

004.  i  need  just  one  person  to  not  hate  his  man........  just  give  him  one  single friend.  it’s  all  he’s  allowed  i  swear. 

[kor-ra]

Fun challenge for you based on your recent tags: Explain to me, someone who has never watched a single episode of the 100, why you ship Bellarke? I am curious, and I'm hoping this is entertaining for you to do lol

Oh gosh ok you asked for it, the flood gates have been opened. Sorry this took so long to answer but I wanted to explain it in the best way I could (or at least try to). I’m going to do a short version and a long version so people don’t have to read my entire explanation lol. Also I’m only going over the plot as it relates to their story, so there will probably be some holes.

Clarke Griffin and Bellamy Blake are soulmates, plain and simple as that. The growth that they have had since the first season till now has been a long and winding road. They were enemies then became co leaders then best friends and now are (hopefully) on track to admitting that they love each other. The amount of parallels the show draws between them is insane and they both have such a profound understanding of each other due to their shared leadership role and constantly being the person that the other one goes to when they need someone to comfort them. Time and time again they choose each other, even during some of the most difficult decisions they will ever have to make. Their growth almost always comes back to how they influence each other to try and be better people. Canonically, they make better decisions when they are together: The Head and the Heart. They cannot exist as their full selves without each other in their lives because their lives have become so intertwined with each other that they are fundamentally different people when they’re apart. No matter how often they’re apart, they always find a way back to each other. And if nothing else, the gazes and longing hugs that they give each other just oozes love and understanding.

Ok that was the short version. Here’s the Long Version🤪

Ok so Bellamy and Clarke definitely did not start off this way. From the very first episode they are at each other’s throats. Clarke is trying to be the practical leader to get these kids to survive while Bellamy is the dynamic leader inspiring these kids to “do whatever the hell they want”. They don’t see eye to eye and Bellamy even says he’s willing to cut off Clarke’s hand to get what he wants. This doesn’t change until 1x03 when Bellamy sees Clarke mercy kill Atom, another kid on Earth.

This girl, who he thought was a pampered princess, was able to make this tough decision while he couldn’t. After that they begrudgingly try and coexist together. Then “Day Trip” happens and Bellamy and Clarke go off on their own and almost die by a rogue delinquent. They kill him and while they’re recuperating Bellamy wants to run away from all the hardships and mistakes that he’s made. Instead of holding it against him, Clarke gives him forgiveness (“if you want forgiveness, I’ll give it to you ok, fine you’re forgiven”)

For the first time they are truly vulnerable with each other and make their first decision to lead together. This is the turning point. From then on they co lead together, sharing the burden and responsibilities of leadership and being the person that the other depends on. They don’t always get along but they learn to rely on each other. The season ends with them separated at the end of their first big battle. Clarke closes the drop ship door to save her people from the enemy and she thinks he didn’t survive the blast outside

S2

Bellamy and Clarke are separated (a common occurrence that you will soon find out) Clarke is trapped in Mt. Weather and although the rest of her people are comfortable there, she is determined to get out and find out if the rest of her people -cough cough Bellamy- are alive. Bellamy likewise also starts to look for Clarke. Angst and drama ensues, but the important part is that we get our first ever Bellarke hug and man is it a good one (and an absolute fan favorite)

Like Bellamy is so stunned by the way she RUNS and wraps her arms around him and slowly after the shock hugs her back. But this hug cements just how important they’ve become to each other. From here on out they protect each other. Bellamy saves Clarke from being poisoned, he volunteers to go into Mount Weather and Clarke (originally) violently opposes it saying that “She can’t lose him to” in reference to losing the boy she loved, among other things (imo this is when Bellamy starts to develop real feelings for Clarke). Finally towards the end of the season when they face off against the “big baddie” they have to make the choice to kill hundreds of innocent people among the guilty to save their own people. An impossible choice, and Clarke being the self sacrificial puppy that she is wants to “bear it so they don’t have to”. But Bellamy won’t let her do that, they’re going to share that heavy burden. And they pull the lever together

So they return home, people rescued and the guilt hanging high above their heads. But for Clarke the guilt is too much to bear and she tells Bellamy that she has to leave. And Bellamy BEGS her to stay, even repeating that same line that she said to him in the beginning of the show. However, she leaves him and her people behind, which would lead them both down a path of hurt.

S3

And hurt they do. Clarke leaving didn’t fill the hole of guilt in her heart, and Bellamy was left to (try lol) and heal his broken heart on his own. I will also say that both Clarke/Bellamy get their own significant other with Lexa/Gina respectively and this is because (imo) they both go down paths where the other is not in the picture I’m so certain that if they stayed togehter, they would’ve been together and that’s why they’re always separated. But then for the first time in the 3 months since she left, Bellamy finds Clarke, while she’s being taken captive and literally DROPS EVERYTHING to rescue her. When he finds her it is the most tender thing.

This is soon interrupted when Roan (her captor) comes back and Clarke BEGS him to save his life, saying “I’ll do anything. I’ll stop fighting just please don’t hurt him.” Bellamy gets stabbed in the leg and and Clarke and Roan get away. Unlike a normal person, Bellamy Blake is hopelessly in love and devoted to Clarke so he STILL TRIED TO GO AFTER HER WITH A HOLE IN HIS LEG AND WE GET THIS BEAUTIFUL SCENE RIGHT HERE

Cut back a little while later Clarke is safe in Polis with Lexa, trying to unify their two clans and Bellamy finds her again. He tells her to come back to Arkadia (their home) but she says she needs to be here (in Polis). This breaks his heart and is what sets him literally down a VERY DARK PATH of murder to try and justify a war (complicated stuff, what matter is he fucks up). Clarke eventually does come back to Arkadia only to find a very angry and heartbroken Bellamy who tries to justify his actions (You Left Me). They have a very Bellarke™ talk full of emotion and love.

And just when you think everything is going to be alright, he handcuffs her to a chair lol. And they spend a good chunk of the season apart.

When the going gets tough however, they know that they need each other. And after episodes of not speaking to each other they have another one of their Bellarke™ talks and hugs where Bellamy says “I was so mad at you for leaving. I don’t want to feel that way anymore” And then they hug like this, like c’monnnnnnn platonic my ass.

I’m going to speed up for the sake of getting to more stuff. But they end season 3 as they always do, fighting the evil together. Other highlights include Clarke’s (brainwashed) mom using Bellamy as her 1st choice to sacrifice in front of Clarke. There’s also a cute hand holding scene hgngnghngg

For all the angst however, this is the first season when other people call them out on their feelings (mainly Bellamy’s tho) for each other well Octavia already called him out during the first hug but that doesn’t count because She knows him too well. His other friends call him out for not being devoted to his old girlfriend Gina (who died) and Murphy comparing his feeling for Emori (his CANON love interest) to Clarke.

S4

Ok, I know a lot of this post has been focused on Bellamy’s feelings and that’s mostly because Clarke has had a love interest in every season so she hasn’t had time to recognize her own feelings. However during s4, we get to see the extent of just how much Clarke means to Bellamy as well. There are a lot of moments in this season so I’m just going to try and focus on the big ones/my faves.

(This isn’t super important, but in the 1st episode of s4, Clarke is still grieving her gf Lexa who died and IMMEDIATELY AFTER, we get a cut to Bellamy like way to be subtle guys. no platonic explanation for this edit)

Ok basically what you need to know about s4 is that the world is going to end by a nuclear radiation cloud thingy called Praimfaiya and it’s up to Bellarke (along with some other peeps lol) to save everyone from it. So one of the things Clarke has to do is write a list of 100 people to choose for a potential bunker. So of course Clarke puts Bellamy on spot 99 but can’t bring herself to write her own name. So Bellamy who is sleeping on the couch wakes up because his Clarke is sad sirens are going off to tell her to put her name down. (If I’m on that list, you’re on that list) Still she can’t do it sO BELLAMY DOES IT FOR HER (because this boy needs her to be with him). and then he puts his hand on her AND SHE LAYS HER HEAD ON HIS HAND....so tender.

Ok so a few episodes later Bellamy (and Kane) get held hostage and Clarke has to sacrifice part of a large shelter that they need to escape Praimfaiya for them, it’s a tough decision but one that Clarke obviously makes. (Literally the only reason Bellamy was even taken was because Roan knew how much he meant to specifically Clarke). I can’t find a gif, but trust me it’s worrisome

Ok god next episode is when we start getting into that high stakes shit (THAT I LOVE). So basically Clarke and Bellamy are going to be separated AGAIN and right before he leaves Bellamy says this

LIKE IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO ARGUE THAT HE WAS NOT ABOUT TO CONFESS HIS LOVE TO HER LIKE CMON PEOPLE LOOK AT EVERY TROPE OF THIS EVER. Clarke of course was like “No, we will see each other again” but uhufhdjejdwkndwk he was going to say “I love you” in my book

Ok now towards the end of the season, most everyone in Skaikru is in this Bunker except for Octavia and most of the grounders (people on earth who survived the original radiation). I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned this yet but Octavia is Bellamy’s younger sister and throughout the show he has sacrificed so so much for her and risked a lot of things to keep her safe. So now when Bellamy learns that Octavia is alive and outside the bunker he rushes to open the door for her. But here’s the catch: if they open the hatch, there’s a chance the radiation is bad and everyone in the bunker (THE HUMAN RACE) would die. However, because Bellamy needs to save his sister he’s willing to take that risk. For Clarke, that isn’t though and POINTS A GUN at him. But Bellamy says if she shoots she’s “going to have to make it a kill shot”. AND SHE CAN’T BRING HERSELF TO SHOOT HIM. CLARKE CANNOT KILL BELLAMY EVEN IF IT MEANT SAVING THE HUMAN RACE. Of course it was fine but still man c’mon.

And then later in order to try and lighten the mood, when they’re trying to drive the rover, Bellamy makes Clarke laugh and IS SO DISTRACTED BY HER SMILE HE CRASHES THE CAR. ok moving on

OK HERE IS THE BIG LEAGUE MY FAVORITE BELLARKE SCENE IN THE SERIES. So Bellamy and Clarke have this big heart to heart cause Clarke thinks she’s gonna die and it is the softest scene ever. So Clarke, thinking she’s going to die says “You’ve got such a big heart Bellamy. People follow you, you inspire them because of this (his heart). But the only way we’re gonna make sure we survive is if you use this too (his head aka what Clarke represents in their relationship” AND TO THAT RESPONDS “I got you for that” IN THE MOST TENDER WAY LIKE THEY’RE SO IN LOVE. And also they have one of the best bellarke hugs of the show.

So Bellarke and like 6 of their friends head off to the space station to avoid the death wave. However, the satellite that allows them to get in isn’t working, so Clarke sacrifices her self to go and fix it while the rest of her friends can go to space. Bellamy makes the HEARTWRENCHING DECISION to leave her behind in order to save the rest of his friends from the death wave. So Spacekrew go up to the station to wait 6 years until Earth becomes habitable while Bellamy grieves Clarke’s death.

Except she’s not dead

Clarke has special blood called “nightblood” that made her immune to the radiation. She spends the next six years on the only available plot of green land left with her adoptive daughter Madi (who has nightblood and she found when she survived the radiation.) So for the next 6 years CLARKE CALLS BELLAMY ON THIS RADIO EVERY DAY. This radio doesn’t even work, but Clarke calls him anyways to keep her sane and (imo) this is when I truly think Clarke realizes the depth of her feelings for Bellamy, because I for sure wouldn’t call my platonic buddy EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. for 6 years (THATS 2199 DAYS) like c’mon

S5

Ok so 6 years have passed, and Clarke is waiting for Bellamy + Co (Spacekru) to come back to Earth. But before Spacekru comes back, another ship lands on Earth full of escaped prisoners who have been cryogenically frozen for the past like 150 years. So basically they come to Earth, capture Clarke and hold her hostage, while Madi (her adoptive daughter) escapes.

Literally a little while later Spacekru finds their way back to Earth and stumble upon Madi who tells them Clarke is alive, much to all of their shock but ESPECIALLY Bellamy (cause ya know the love of his life is back from the dead). So he goes to find and rescue her his wife from the prisoners. When he finds her they threaten to shoot him on sight, but he has leverage. He can send a signal back to the spaceship so, he trades 283 lives in order to save Clarke because of course he does.

Bellamy and Clarke finally have their moment to reunite 6 years in the making and it’s as soft and sweet as you could ever expect it to be and they have another one of their classic Bellarke™ hugs.

Ok so happy ending now for them right? They’re finally back together !!! Well NOPE because after Bellamy was done grieving Clarke he got himself a girlfriend :))))))) named Echo (context Echo was an assassin/spy the “bad guys” until end of s4, then she went up to space w/ them) but Bellamys whole schtick is forgiveness, which he learnt from Clarke COUGH COUGH . Anyways when Clarke sees them making out for the first time she is let’s just say ~taken aback~

and the second time she sees them she looks straight up heartbroken !!!

Now that Clarke has finally realized her feelings for Bellamy he’s with another girl :///// But Clarke still holds a very dear position in Bellamy’s heart and we see that when he confronts his sister. Remember Octavia? The sister who he would do anything for??? Well now she’s kinda lost her marbles and became an evil dictator when she was leading everyone in the bunker. So now due to ~plot~ Octavia wants Clarke dead. Bellamy CANNOT have this happen. I mean he just got her back !!! And he pleads for Octavia to save her life and Octavia says this

HIS SISTER WHO KNOWS HIM BEST (well besides Clarke lmao) CALLED HIM OUT ON HIS FEELINGS. And the best part is that Bellamy doesn’t even try to deny it. Then he says “I can’t let you kill Clarke , O” AND PROCEEDS TO POISON HIS SISTER. THE ONE WHO HE HAS RISKED HIS LIFE FOR LIKE FOREVER (she doesn’t die tho) Bellamy choses Clarke over her without hesitation, and that has come a long way my friends. 

Ok while, we’re riding this high it gets kinda worse. So, remember Clarke’s adoptive daughter Madi? Well now Spacekrew wants to put this thing called the flame (ok sorry I glossed over it before but it’s really important to the show, I just hate it !) which all previous leaders of the grounder people had, in Madi’s head because she’s the ~destined~ leader (it’s confusing I know just roll with it). Clarke is like fuck no because she also hates the flame (queen) and doesn’t want Madi to become a leader and carry that burden. So Bellamy locks Clarke up to get to Madi, but then Clarke grabs Madi and leaves Bellamy to die in Octavia’s apocalyptic fighting pit to fend for his life.

Not looking great right? Bear with me for a moment lol. So flash forward to the end of the season and one of the prisoner dudes accidentally sets off a bomb that’s going to destroy the one green valley that was left. Bellamy is pissed at Clarke for leaving him to die, but Clarke was only trying to save Madi but doesn’t know how to fix this. Then Madi (our mini bellarke shipper) tells Bellamy how important she is to him. Like this girl probably watched her make these calls every morning, SHE KNOWS

And just like that Bellamy cannot be mad at Clarke anymore, because he realizes the bond and isolation and dare I say LOVE she must have for him to do that. So they all make it back up to space as Earth explodes for the 2nd time (RIP). So remember that prision ship with cryogenic pods? Yea so now basically everyone who is on Earth is going to rest in these pods until Earth heals itself. Except it doesn’t (at least not in the 10 years they had hoped for). So two of Bellarke’s friends and couple named Monty and Harper stay awake and spend their remaining years finding another planet to live on. And when they find one 125 years later guess who they picked to wake up first. You guessed it, the co leaders themselves Bellarke. So they have a tender moment watching the sun rise over this new planet

S6

Ok this is the last season before we’re caught up but my god it’s a big one for Bellarke. Ok so the season starts off on this new planet and everyone is distrustful of Clarke for what she did on Earth to protect her daughter and make ONE personal sacrifice when she sacrifices everything for everyone all the time god Anyways, on this new planet due to this like “red sun” they hallucinate on the surface and Bellamy says to Clarke “I don’t need you anymore Clarke”(remember this it’s important). After the red sun fiasco, the actual residents of the planet show up (they were descended from an earthship that came there like 250~ years ago).

(I can’t believe I almost forgot to put this but Bellamy tells Clarke about the radio calls before they hallucinate and it’s such a whole some scene and helps to bridge the gap between them once more)

So the people show Bellarke + crew their customs which includes a ceremony where they repent and let go of their past mistakes. Clarke uses this to apologize to Bellamy for her actions as she declares to him “Hey, you’re my family too. I lost sight of that. But I promise I will never forget it again” like boyo that scene brings me to tears like fuck !!! and then once again they have a classic Bellarke™ hug and god it’s a GOOD one.

So yay, they’re on good terms !! That means something bad is about to happen again per usual. So it turns out the leaders of this group of people have been alive for 100s of years using these “mind drives” to back their consciousness up and put into new bodies when their current body dies (fun!). And take a guess as to who has the special blood and can be a new host :))))))))))

Clarke gets stolen and *dies* so Josephine can take over her body. While Josie!Clarke fools everyone for like an episode, guess who is the first to think ‘hey that’s not really Clarke’ ofc our boy Bellamy. AND THEN THEY GIVE BELLAMY AN ENTIRE EPISODE TO GRIEVE CLARKE LIKE HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO LOOKS THIS SAD THROUGHOUT THE EPISODE. way to be subtle JR

But then guess what !!! Clarke isn’t dead. She’s trapped in her own mind, but very alive. And you’ll never guess how Bellamy finds out. Josie!Clarke taps her fingers on her legs and Bellamy interprets it as morse code that translate into “ALIVE”. LIKE IMAGINE TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO SOMEONE THAT YOUR SUPPOSED DEAD WIFE BESTIE IS STILL ALIVE CAUSE SHE SENT YOU MORSE CODE, LIKE MY BOY I KNOW YOU LOVE HER BUT THAT’S QUITE A STRETCH.

Anyways, this sends Bellamy into overdrive mode, because goddamn it he is not losing her a 3rd time. Throughout the next episodes we see Bellamy prioritize Clarke over everyone, including his girlfriend Echo when she is in danger. He risks himself and even the lives of others to try and save Clarke to get Josie out of her head. And it all culminates to this masterpiece of a Bellarke scene.

Clarke’s heart stops and she won’t get up and Bellamy arguably becomes the most desperate he has ever been. He whispers, “the head and the heart” before LITERALLY BECOMING HER HEART AND PERFORMING CPR ON HER AND BANGING ON HER CHEST TO GET HER TO WAKE UP (HOW MUCH FURTHER CAN THEY TAKE THIS METAPHOR). Even when Octavia gives up, Bellamy yells at her that she’s not dead. “I need you” the first time he has openly admitted that he PERSONALLY needs her in his life. “You’re a fighter Clarke now get up and fight”. Clarke literally (in her mindspace) finds the will to get up and fight by hearing Bellamy’s voice. And like a miracle she wakes up and AN ICONIC AND BEAUTIFUL Bellarke™ hug occurs, even though it looked like she was literally about to kiss him !!!!!! Like tell me these aren’t heart eyes ?!!??!

So then for the rest of the few episodes Bellamy is still super protective of Clarke but they have to split up again because ~plot~. BUT WE HAVE ONE MORE GREAT HURT/COMFORT BELLARKE MOMENT IN THE FINALE. Clarke’s mother had just died, and who does she seek in a crowd for comfort: Bellamy...hopefully you know this by now. God they give each other such meaningful looks in this last scene and have another once again iconic Bellarke™ hug, but it’s a hug where they run into each other like from s2 !!!!! parallels

So they end s6 closer than ever and now we’re all caught up in the present to s7 and lemme be honest besides 7x11, it’s been a HORRIBLE bellarke season, but last episode has had things shake up finally god. So basically everyone assumed Bellamy was dead (including Clarke!!!), but *surprise surprise* he’s alive, but as they soon find out he’s been brainwashed by an evil cult. NOW IT’S CLARKE’S TURN TO SAVE HIM BY BEING HIS HEAD LIKE HE WAS HER HEART LAST SEASON (or I at least hope so). As of writing this post, Bellarke isn’t canon but I’ve been watching this show for 5 years and these two have such a hold on my heart it’s embarrassing, but I hope this explained to you why I and many others will be ridiculously obsessed when it comes to them hehe. Pray for us to be canon, we only have 5 eps left for this beautiful story to come to a conclusion.

[moneyshvt]

☆ . · . simay barlas, twenty-two, female, she / her . · . ☆ AYLA CLEARWATER lives in that huge mansion over there! no, not that one. look for THE LARGE NATURAL STONE FOUNTAIN and that’ll be it. the SPORTS PHOTOGRAPHER has offered occasional glimpses of LIGHT GREEN walls and an impressive collection of EMPTY PICTURE FRAMES in the background of social media posts, but all of that is nothing compared to seeing the opulence in person. they’ve remained CLEVER as ever since moving to tercet court one year ago, but it seems like they might’ve gotten a little more of NARCISSISTIC too. maybe that’s why they’re rumored to have such a FRIENDLY relationship with everyone else who lives on this street. ☆ . · . ooc info: ollie, they/them, 21, est . · . ☆

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘

— she was adopted when she was just under two years old from turkey, so the clearwaters have always felt like her family to her. she knew the greater part of growing up that she was adopted, it just never was an issue for her. it was a fact, but it really wasn’t an important fact. she has no desire to try to find her birth parents or family, though she has visited turkey.

—  the clearwaters are a triple threat in sports : her grandfather retired mlb player and coach, her father a retired prominent defenseman in the nhl and current dartmouth men’s hockey coach, and her older brother ( 26 ) is making a splash in his third year in the nfl as a wide receiver.  however, her parents made sure she and her brother had a ( fairly ) average “middle class” bringing up, though they had their fair share of money in the bank. didn’t have to struggle, really, but didn’t get everything she wanted either. had a summer job scooping ice cream for two years in high school.

— grew up in norwich, vt, real big on nature and hiking and all that jazz and lowkey misses it in the heart of la.

— when she was ten she got one of those kid’s polaroid cameras ( u know the ones where the film is only a little bigger than a postage stamp ) and she was obsessed. she worked her way up through cameras over the years, having a natural eye for it.

— one of the first games she ever shot was one of her brother’s high school football games which sounds sweet but it was actually because she was so bored out of her mind and wanted something to do. needless to say, though, that was the start of it. some might say it was kind of inevitable she gravitated toward sports somehow — she was a clearwater at heart. since then she has gained a lot of knowledge and respect for all different kinds of sports.

— for college she was torn between dartmouth and nyu. she ultimately chose nyu because it was somewhere new.

— she went to nyu for advertising and photography, shooting various nyu sports teams while she was there and throughout her years, managed to shoot a few rangers, knicks, and yankees games as well. she held two summer internships with the yankees ( on her own merits or because of her family name, she may never truly know ) and ultimately graduated from nyu a year early.

— she then spent the better part of a year after graduation road tripping as you do and ended up in california. it’s all about who you know, and in picking up a favor for a friend in cali she stumbled into the perfect opportunity. from there she landed a role on the company that handles the photography for staples center and other notable teams, most notably the kings, lakers, and dodgers ( photography company based on this irl one ).

— she moved into tercet court not long after she knew she would be in la for much of the time being. it’s definitely not her house, considering she makes just enough to live on. it’s a family home, purchased initially by her father who’d wanted to sink some money into tangible assets instead of the stock market and to have a west-coast home available for the family. hey, worked out pretty well for her.

— she has predominately been tasked with shooting the kings the past year or so, though she started with shooting dodgers games last summer and is doing so this summer as well. she’s also shot a handful of lakers’ games when a friend needs someone to cover. three of her photos so far have been used in large ads and banners in the city ( including most recently her current MONEY SHOT of the game winning goal in a come back win ) --- very cool moment for her. several others have been used by local publications and websites.

— she does a little freelance work as well ; mostly for friends or friends of friends, though she’s been considering lately trying to make her skills and business available in a more professional manner. she does do a lot of photographing for herself --- a lot of candids ; she thinks they capture the true spirit of a person moreso than when they’re posing or prepared for a photo. but not in a creepy way --- she’s been the victim of the paps enough times by association with her family to know the correct boundaries and limits.

𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐂

— lowkey loves playing games with the paps, though she’s probably the only one that finds it funny. as a photographer herself she has a good eye for where they’re hiding and will also snap photos of them in turn just for her own amusement.

— she hopes someday to be the team photographer for a team, hopefully in one of the “big four” ( nfl, nhl, nba, mlb )

— she played field hockey and lacrosse through high school.

— ayla thinks she’s better at shooting people. part of what she loves about being a sports photographer is how active and unpredictable it is to shoot a game. she’s had to learn a lot to try to predict what she can.

— very much a morning person. has never had a problem waking up in the morning. who’s jealous bc i am. goes for a run at sunrise, and has showered, gotten ready for the day, and is at a local cafe shop editing photos / making graphics and drinking an iced mocha by 8. truly couldn’t be me...

— so desperately wants to be that girl with tons of cute aesthetic plants in her apartment but tragically plants always die in her care no matter what she does. probably has gotten one of those tiny tabletop sand zen gardens to make herself feel better tho she still keeps trying with plants. so far the only ones that have lived any length of time are the air plants.

— she really wants a greyhound but is afraid to make the commitment to actually adopting one.

— her personal insta ( the non-sports one ) has a modest following. a few thousand, probs.

— she has struggled a bit with people who think her opportunities have only arisen because of her family pedigree ( which some have gone so far to tell her they’re “not her family” --- which, don’t even go there, lads... ), and that has made ayla work all that much harder to prove that she’d gotten where she has on her own merits.

— she has a rule ( and in the case of the nhl there is a rule enforced by a signed contract ) about not getting involved with anyone she shoots ; it’s considered a conflict of interest. i imagine she has a really good relationship with the players though --- probably doesn’t hurt that she is pretty. at least one of them have hired her to shoot their wedding this summer even though she is wildly under qualified.

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

alya is a chill and laidback person at heart. her approach to the fame attached to her due to her father and brother has been to laugh it off good-naturedly. she’s generally well liked, with a hint of sass and humor. she comes across as a bit of an air-head at times, but that’s part due to a persona she put on from a young age. she has an observant eye that drew to her photography in the first place and will often allow her to draw certain conclusions about people. she’s well versed in all the sports she shoots, something that tends to surprise a lot of people, but how is she supposed to be good at her job if she isn’t ? if she gets bothered during games she typically shuts people down with wide eyes and some obscure bit of knowledge in her cute, raspy lil voice. dareisay... elle woods, what like it’s hard ? energy ??

a few of her downfalls include her narcissism and need to be liked. she looks to look and feel pretty, by her own standards, and is a queen of the self-timer and remote self photography : has two instas because of it -- one for her sports photography and one that’s a “personal” and mostly just pictures of herself. her need to be liked is something she doesn’t even realize. she likes to be seen in a positive light.

𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄

alya stands at 5′4″ with a slim but athletic build. her hair is naturally brown, but is dyed to have blonde highlights. she does not need glasses or contacts and has no tattoos.

she’s almost always wearing the same pair of beat up timberland’s she’s owned since freshman year of college. she likes to be able to move easily ( bc homegirl absolutely cannot walk in heels at all ). despite what the tabloids like to call her unfortunate choice in footwear, she likes to look cute, often pairing them with short, flowy sundresses or skirts + crop tops. when she shoots games, however, she’s dressed rather practically in skinny jeans, a crop top, and a cardigan. her hair is often kept down and loose, or in a messy bun.

𝐎𝐎𝐂

it me. ollie again. i also play fitz ( miguel bernardeau fc ). yes the overlap between fitz and ayla is not great but i truly only know one thing that that one thing is hockey asldfalsdjf sO. if y’all seeing me rping with myself on the dash bc i think it’d be fun to bounce fitz and ayla off each other mind ur own business...

[fuck0ffnleavemealone]

What I wish I could've said

Since the last post I made was fueled by emotions, so I'll give this post more effort

let me get a few things straight.

I believe what you told me. Because I'm done playing games, I thought I knew you. I really did.

But the more time passed I started to question if I could be wrong. And after all you said and did, I can't say that I recognise you.

Yes, you were a broken person. And to many extends you still are. But you changed in those years we spent together. I saw it in you, especially in the talk we had after my birthday and you can't deny that.

Let me also say that I definitely agree that our relationship was doomed to fail because we both didn't improve ourselves in ways we should have. That's why I can say that I'm glad it ended the first time. We were young, dumb, and had spent no time appart to determine if we were ever truly going to work as individuals. I defined myself by you. You made me who I am today, you gave me my name and with that an opportunity to grow. To live not defined by my past.

I won't deny that I should have known that the things I did would have a deeper effect on you. Even if they were small to me, such as liking photos. And I will never again defend the worse things I did or that I slept with a different person. And for all it's worth I see that nothing justifies what I did. I did what I did because I didn't think as I do now so i made a wrong choice. It's that simple. I hurt you because I didn't think. Though that does not mean it is less painful to admit

contrary to what you believe I see what you mean. Intimacy has become something that I cherish. Something I don't want to share with anyone else besides the person I love. And it has been like that ever since I saw what I did to you. While kissing still might be more special to me than to others I know that it is just an abnormality on my side.

I have chosen to adhere to my rules.

For you I'm honestly glad that you seem to be prioritizing yourself. Even if I think that you might have a few steps to go. I'm glad you're taking the journey, that's all I ever wanted for you.

Although I really have to say that starting a relationship while you yourself are still on the way of figuring things out/ or if you just ended things with someone you loved/ love, is something that is morally questionable. Because I've been there. But I decided against It because I will never again hurt the people who love/like me if I can help it.

I can't say more. Because I really don't wanna argue with you. Yes we have different views, that's actually what I enjoyed about us. As I saw in recent times, a perfect partner wouldn't make me happy. You may not realise it but a large part of my change is thanks to you. For that I thank you. From my view it really hurt to see you do the same thing you did with Serhart. Because it is not a conincidence that you chose your new guy. An anti me. But comparing the two of us is not fair to him and me. Especially when you seem to know that I changed a whole lot.

But for all it's worth, and as much as it may hurt to know that someone else is making you laugh now. I hope it makes you feel a little less shitty and I hope that I was special enough to not be a completely bad memory.

In regards to toxicity, yes. You are one of the most toxic people I've ever met. And I don't say this to hurt you but because I know where it comes from. That's why I took every beating you gave me. Because I knew that most of those words weren't what represented you. But that doesn't make it right. I'm glad you know what you did to me. Even though I think you might not see the whole picture. But I'm sure I dont see yours as complete either.

In regards to our relationship, yes we didn't work out. I knew that I have accepted that. What I wanted to achieve was greater than that. I said I wanted to be there because that is truly what I want. I wanted to be as important to you as you were to me. Simply a person that's there for good. You didn't have to be my girlfriend.

Although I hoped that maybe after a few more experiences or simply enough time that we would realise that we both had something very special that does not come often. A feeling. Something I could not feel for anyone else and something that just made me like it was all worth it. Atleast for me. Even tho I really saw what made our relationship difficult. I was glad that we were different enough to grow and learn. I'm sure you're not the same person you were when we started dating. And that was my point. People change, in both directions.

I just really wanted to be there to see the change and maybe even help you. Because at the end of the day I would always enjoy your company. Even if it would just be once a month for a coffee and some shit talk.

As for the point that you never felt good enough. I know, and I'm really sorry you felt like that and that I contributed to your feelings of inadequacy. But I assure you that in my fucked up mind, you were always what I wanted. I just often thought that you would wake up one day and realise you didn't want me anymore. So I did stupid things to hide how attached I truly was to you. Ironically is that the reason why I acted the way no normal person does and I drove you away from me in the first place. We both had issues, once again. That's why i thought it would be good if we split up, because I knew that as long as you weren't gone for good. I'd get my shit together eventually.

You tried to give me a chance. But if I'm honest, you never did. That's why I still think I was treated unfairly by you. Because if we just look at what happened after that time. I really tried to fit myself to you. I gave you your space as much as I could and only tried to do what you wanted. I might not have been very good at it and Im Sure I sent wrong signals from time to talk me. but I just wanted to lay low till you were strong enough to give me the love I knew you were capable of but needed time. I was happy just being with you. All I wanted in return was honesty.

This is probably the one thing you won't change my mind about. My big problem is that in the end I feel like you didn't really respect me at all. And that made me think I wasn't worth it. (I know that this might be shitty to hear from me, but having delusions is not something that only you gotta deal with) That you couldn't look me in my eyes and hurt me. Knowing it was the right thing to do. And all the on, off, on and off after that hurt me even more. Because I told you explicit that I would understand if you don't want to be with me, but you should've told me right there in that car. Because I knew I couldn't take one more ride on the "I'm not sure" rollercoaster. And you looked me in my eyes and told me you loved me. That is all I needed to hear to give you my heart once more. Because I saw you really meant it.

Then you still broke up with me over text and sent me a lot of mixed signals which didn't make it better (the last night we slept together)

I feel like a person who cared even a little bit about me wouldn't have done that to me because love is a deep form of respect and appreciation. (But that is my thing "view" I cannot change, just like you with my sleeping with someone else.)

And that is why it's so hard to let go. Because the last time I really saw you, we made love. You held me and showed me that there was still something between us. And then you left. So in my head, all of that is still very real for me. I never saw the person I loved again. It's almost like you died and I never got to say goodbye. Because if you did give me the chance for a goodbye. I could've let you go easier. I wouldn't be sitting here simping for a person who told me time and time again how much distaste, disgust and hate she feels for me. Because you know I have my weird quirks, this is one of them. If it's not in person, it doesn't quite feel real.

The truth is, I wanna let you go, focus more on me than I already do. Let you live your life without having all these mixed feelings towards you. To have my good memories while being able to move on (not into a relationship because that is nothing I really want right now, but the form of platonic love I experience right now)

I saw what all the thoughts of me did to you. That's why I actually wanted to talk to you a few days before you broke things of. I wanted some time away from me for you. I wanted to let you heal and experience the world like you could not have done before. Because I knew it would be good for you. But I would always be there in case you needed someone. I'm sorry I didn't tell you these things earlier

I'm glad you regret what you did to me. I'm glad we both regret things, because that's the first step of change. It doesn't make right what we did. But i am okay with the fact that it is a good thing that I can see now how wrong and hurtful I could be. Because I know I could never be like that again.

It makes me truly sad to hear what you went through, and I never wanted that for you. One reason I wanted to give us both a clean cut, so we could heal better and healthier. But to be clear, I went down a dark part as well. I guess you could read my suicide attempt out those lines. Or the time random people had to save me from alcohol poisoning. I did a lot of horrible things to myself, and that's noones fault. I think if I hated you it would have been easier but because I didn't let my pain turn to hate I went out of control.

I did not want to exist in a world where the only person I was ever ready to love. The person who made me what I am, and the one whom I wanted to grow old with. threw me away just to replace me like a used napkin, because that's what it felt like.

But similar to you, I know that that I am worth much more than I thought I was. I deserve love and respect. Most of all from myself. And that is the person I have to learn to love first before I can ever be right for anyone else.

I hope you find the best person you can be. And don't choose the easy path because it's convenient. Life is fucking hard right now. But our mistakes make us who we are. Show us how we can grow and change as people.

No I didn't only think about who suffered more. The thing is that I didn't see you suffer. I only heard bits and parts that made it seem like you didn't. That you were okay, that not having me in your life wasnt a big deal. So I felt betrayed. I felt like you lied to me. Like you used me. Which I thought you did.

Yes you told me you didn't wanna talk. But I told you why it was so important to me, because I thought I could still talk to you on a base of respect. And I still stand by that. I'm aware it would have been hard for you. But sometimes it's about doing the right thing, giving someone that what they need just because you can and know it will help them. But you did not and that is what I still don't understand. Because I can imagine how you feel about me. But just justifying dissapearing by "I don't owe you anything" makes you seem like a coward or someone who doesn't know how to respect anyone they dont love (anymore)

I thought of us both, because even though you might think the opposite. I am sure it would have helped us to come to an end. Because what i asked for wasnt “taking the whole hand” ( casue in that case i dont know what the small finger was, you even texting me back is not something i should have to be thankful for) It was simply my last try to do things right. Because that is what humans want, people want closure. Thats one of the most common desires.

I'm sorry you think I don't want to listen. Because I do. I really wanted to know what was wrong. I wanted to know what went on Inside your head. But it is really hard to know what to believe because you lied to me so much that I don't know anymore what is your mask and your coping mechanisms and what is the real you. no matter how often you say them. I sadly cannot believe them because I can't see your face to know if it's really the truth.

I regret how I treated you and that things didn't work out. As I said once, I really wish I would have met you in five years. When you're doing great, and I'm finally good enough to myself to be good for someone else.

I don't think love ever truly goes, I think you reach a point where you realise you either love enough to see that things werent working out and that people need time appart or even a split for good and to not see eachother again. Or that you realise that the love wasn't ever really there.

Because anything less isn't love in my mind.

But that does not mean I'm right or that anyone else has to live by these standards.

Yes it hurts to read those words and to think about that you really believe in them. That there is no true end. But just a stop. To hear that it "was love" for you, because I still don't know when that ended. I'm sorry that it is this hard for me to accept. But I know about myself now that once I love. I love for good.

I sadly still think I won't love again. Because I don't know how to stop loving you. Believe me I want to stop. But at the same time I don't want to because I remember what made me love you in the first place.

That's not your fault, I'm aware I might make it very hard for myself. But thats just the way I do things. I don't wanna be like my mom and blame everyone else and just spend my life hating everyone. I accept that I love, and I accept that I can't show it ever again.

I hope I will make it through this as much as I hope you do the same. And that you know deep inside that I never meant to hurt you. That I'm not as bad as a person as you tell yourself I am. Because yes, I have my fuckups now and then (you are a very sensitive point for me emotionally, so i get triggered really easily when it's regarding you)

But I think you'd be proud of me if you saw me acting around and caring about my friends. Kicking out people who use me. Standing up for myself when people think they can push me around just cause they are bigger or think they are more important. If you saw me going about my day even tho I'm not feeling fine. Me still existing even tho I almost stopped to. I don't think I'm toxic. (That's what a toxic person would say I guess) I just think I have the capacity to do things I'm not proud of but I also know I will be better in the future.

And from the bottom of my heart I really wish you the best in your life. From yourself and from everyone around you. I hope that you fail as much as possible, to know how to improve. And then I hope you succeed with what you truly want to do and who you want to be. I hope you one day look back on this as a fond memories. Because I know I will. Because I will always remeber you as what you are to me. and who knows. maybe ill see you again in 30 years and i can smile because you could have found your way and i could have found mine. Ill never know what the future holds

It's really hard for me to see you go. Because I really want to be a part of you and your journey. But I never meant to stop you. I guess you listened to your heart and it told you what to do. You don't seem to want me and as sad as that makes me. Looks like what we joked around once turned out to be true.

It eez what it eez

Yours truly

Moe

Ps: this is the last I'll say on the topic, everything else doesn't need to be said again. I will stop looking at your Tumblr.( So maybe don't reply to this. if you ever even read it. ) Even tho it is the last thing that let me check on you. But I want to try and heal. and I cant do that if my phone reminds me everyday of what I miss most. Eventually I will be fine. Even tho im scared of the future. The universe didnt let me die for a reason. I just have to find what that reason is.

[1-800-444-tune]

I have cancer ...PLEASE DONATE !!😫😪😔😞

HOME

This is my main blog, I mostly do Tarot and other divination services on here, and most often it is for FREE. Which, this is NOT fair to me, but none of ya 'll know about my struggle.. bug it is real hear me out, yo.

ABOUT ME

I am nearly 30 years old now and I was actually first off diagnosed with Ovarian cysts at the age as young as 14 yrs old, yes, I was 16 by the time it went untreated and had spread all through my ovaries and to all the fallopian tubes and my uterus... then untreated still another couple years (because of poor health care in my smaller rural communities including my hometown) then at 19 my whole entire uterine lining was xomething of a mess, the doctors said basically all there woukd have been to prevent it from dpreading the cancer elsewhere would have been a full out take of my sexual organs , i believe the term is a hysterectomy....but on my paperwork i see here that it says that I was to undergo something else... + + The removal of an ovary together with the Fallopian tube is called salpingo-oophorectomy or unilateral salpingo-oophorectomy (USO). When both ovaries and both Fallopian tubes are removed.

But that did not happdn due to complications. So now, its spread to my other organs as youd guess, spleen, liver, kidneys, etc...it is a shitttSHOW I knowe.

This is why I would appreciate it if some one, any one would stand up for me ..just have a say in whether I eat today or not, or whether I stay in this residence without having to move this winter, I mean, Winter, its settling in.,,

I do not always feel totally blessed to be me; But ai I cannot complain when the bills is caught up and I gots good food at home(and the fight food, I am on a special expensive diet)

Cancer is expensive…AF!  If you have cancer, this is no news to you. But until cancer happened to me, I had no idea how expensive it truly was.  I think it’s safe to say that that seeing how much it will cost to undergo treatment is almost as frightening as getting the actual cancer diagnosis.  My diagnosis has definitely opened my eyes to the shocking reality of the financial burden that cancer causes for an individual and their family.  The astronomical expenses that accrue from treatments, tests, surgeries, scans, integrative therapies, etc are outrageous! While there are both public and private health insurance that defray medical and drug costs, huge out-of-pocket costs can be devastating to patients and force major changes in their lives. I’ve had to make several changes and my life has been affected indefinitely due to the financial burden that cancer has caused. The financial stress it causes for people during treatment until remission alone is hard, but imagine living with cancer where the treatments, doctor visits, tests and lifestyle adjustments are ever enduring, like when you have metastatic cancer.  It’s life altering… to say the least.

HOW MUCH DOES CANCER TREATMENT ACTUALLY COST?

This is an impossible question to answer. The cost of treatment obviously varies from individual to individual based on their diagnosis, the type of treatment they will require and the longevity of the treatment.  However, the “typical” cost of breast cancer looks a little something like this according to recent studies.

“For patients covered by health insurance, out-of-pocket costs for breast cancer treatment typically consist of doctor visit, lab and prescription drug copays as well as coinsurance of 10%-50% for surgery and other procedures, which can easily reach the yearly out-of-pocket maximum. Breast cancer treatment typically is covered by health insurance, although some plans might not cover individual drugs or treatments. For patients not covered by health insurance, breast cancer treatment typically costs $15,000-$50,000 or more for a mastectomy or $17,000 to $35,000 or more for a lumpectomy followed by radiation.”

New cancer drugs are being approved at a fast pace.  Numerous are approved each year and new drugs are constantly in trial and in the pipeline to be FDA approved. In the past, these drugs might cost around $10,000 for a year’s treatment. But newer studies have found that newly-approved cancer drugs carry price tags between $120,000 and $170,000!  One of the drugs I take as part of my daily cocktail, is a newly FDA approved drug called Ibrance… for heavily pretreated ER+ metastatic patients.  It has worked wonders for me but a month supply of this drug is over $12,000.  I am blessed to have good coverage, but not all people are as fortunate.

“Depending on the individual case and the type and number of treatments needed, the total cost of breast cancer treatment, on average, can reach $100,000 — or, in advanced cases, $300,000 or more. This includes the cost of the chemotherapy drugs, additional drugs to help manage side effects, administration of the drugs and medical care for chemotherapy-related complications.”

And again, if you are anything like myself and are living with a metastatic diagnosis, treatments and care is endless with no foreseeable light at the end of the tunnel.

😔😫😫🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗😔😔😫

WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE???

The never ending list of cancer expenses looks a little something like this:

 🎗Frequent doctor visits with surgeon, radiologist, oncologist.  I personally see my oncologist once every 3 weeks and check in with my surgeon every couple of months.

🎗Lab Tests.  This includes blood tests, urine tests and more. I get my labs done every few weeks when I see my oncologist to check my levels and tumor markers.

🎗Clinic visits for treatments. When I was on IV treatment I would be in the treatment center every few weeks.  Currently I take an oral chemo and only have to be in the treatment clinic once every few months for my Lupron injection. But many people are in the treatment clinic, daily or weekly to get their infusions and injections.

🎗Procedures for diagnosis or treatment. Such procedures can include biopsies, room charges, equipment..  I’ve had a few biopsies and had to get lung taps done frequently when I had lung mets.

🎗Imaging Tests. These tests include X-rays, CT scans, MRIs and PET scans which may mean separate bills for radiologist fees, equipment and any medicines used for the test.  These tests are extremely costly too…yikes!  I get PET/CT scans every 3 months, consistently for the past 6 years now.

🎗Radiation Treatment  (implants, external radiation, or both) I have never had radiology but as we know, it’s a very common treatment for most cancers.

Drug🎗 Costs. (inpatient, outpatient, prescription, non-prescription and procedure-related) The cost of chemotherapy drugs is crazy!

🎗In-Home Nurse Care (if you need it, and I do actually, yes) and its freaking insane how much these so called "nurses aids -assistants" want an hour!!

Hospital 🎗Stays. This can encompass many types of costs such as drugs, tests and procedures as well as nursing care, doctor visits and consults with specialists. I have been admitted twice, each time for a week stay for cancer related issues.

🎗Surgery. Costs can accrue from surgeon, anesthesiologist, pathologist, operating room fees, equipment, medicines…  I have had 3 lumpectomies and 2 other surgical procedures related to my cancer diagnosis.

🎗Fertility.  If you are blindsided and diagnosed in your 20’s or 30’s with a cancer diagnosis and want to have a family, freezing your eggs is an option, but a costly one.  You will be required to pay for tests, and medications leading up to the surgical procedure to remove your eggs.  I paid about $10K out of pocket to cover the cost of freezing my eggs.

While these are examples of the clinical costs associated with cancer, there are other adjustments you may want to make that will also prove to be costly.  I personally changed my diet and started to eat all organic foods and sought integrative therapies to add to my clinical regime.  You can read more about the therapies I have incorporated here.  All of these expenses add up and certainly are a financial strain.

🎗🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟And of course we need to pay... Rent, heat/hydro, car/transportation/ambulance bills , always bills bills bills billsssss.....and wifi/internet/television/mobile phone znd/or tablet or computer and gaming systems... camera.....im z girl so clothes..makeup,(I'm thrifty ricky tho) and always last, maybe maybe get sweets healthwise branded cookies or some type of peanuts(unsalted).

I never get go, go nowhere, do anything, get a coffee from a coffee shop, i can't afford to do just about anything a normal individual such as yourself yourself would do, i just cannot do it its not in my budget ... I currently own ONE lipgloss, and one broken eye liner , that is my makeup beauty kit, who the heck wants to even go out or take pictures thenn? Ugh....

Www.paypal.me/believeitxxnot is the link to the Cancer Fundraiser🎗the email for it is believeitornot.ripley.tv@gmail.com

Anyways, do not feel bad for me. I am here to service YOU for ever I know this . TY so much ily guys , please please if you will not donate to my awfully painfully really urgent cause then PLEASE SHARE POST ..... BOOOST POOOOST !! PLZ !! XOXO

I need the supporters !! Yo yo ! DOOOONAAAATEEEEE!!

A n y t h i n g h e l p s m e r i g h t n o w , p l e a s e ! ?

[stories-from-my-mind-to-yours]

This is a Public Service Announcement.

TL;DR: Quick thank you to the reader, please give feedback, part of my most recent story further down. /end TL;DR

This is aimed at all of my 64 followers, to whom I truly am deeply grateful. Should anyone else find this, I am more than happy to share these lines with you as well.

The motivation to keep writing is largely thanks to you, yes, You, the one reading these words. As I write them, it feels as tho we are connected, on a level that cannot be easily explained. Now, less sentimentality, and let’s get this PSA underway.

I’ve been working on the latest addition to my page, and the aim for it is to be a lot longer than my previous stories. Some time in the future I would like for it to be released as a book, but that may be aiming for the stars with a broken slingshot. But nonetheless, I have set a goal, and I intend to pursue that goal like a stubborn child clinging to his favorite toy. I will be releasing excerpts, but given the depth of the storyline, as well as considering the time it takes a fully fledged author (which I am not) to write a decent book, there may be large gaps of time where I won’t be posting anything at all. But it is my sincerest hope to bring forth a story that you will enjoy, in fact the enjoyment of reading the story when it is finished is my only motivation. The possibility of my writing bringing some form of financial reward to the table would absolutely be a tremendous bonus, but it’s not something that I’m counting on in the foreseeable future.

But enough about that now. I promised you an excerpt, and I shall deliver. Feedback is greatly appreciated, good or bad, if you have an opinion, I want to hear it. The stronger the opinion, the more I want to hear it. Hell, I’ll even give you my phone number, if you want to call me and tell me how much my story sucks. Or how much you like it, your choice. Either way, that’s the end of my PSA. I hope you enjoy.

A Tale Of Time. Chapter I.

Far away from home.

The bright white sky above him was breathtaking, almost unbelievable. The two Suns was a magnificent sight all on itself, but the two large planets, visible even in the daytime sky, made it all feel unreal. The furthest planet reminded him of the pictures he'd seen of distant planets as a child, but this one had rings. The rings were turned on its head, going north to south, and covered much of the planets appearance, although it was painfully obvious he should’ve crashed on that planet instead. That planet had both oceans and vegetation, and an atmosphere. He could even faintly see the white clouds as they went on their way. The other large planet was on the opposite side of the planet he stood on, much closer to the binary star, and had paid a terrible price for it. The surface looked like a charred steak, cooked for far to long, and too close to the fire. It reminded him of burned flesh, covered in ash. If it weren't for the sun visor built into his helmet he wouldn't even have been able to turn his gaze anywhere near the source of light, it was simply too close and too bright for Terran eyes. Even with the visor down, the light hurt his eyes, but it was surely a sight to see. The two stars rotated so close to each other, it was almost hard to make out where one ended, and the other one started. He could see that the smaller one had started drawing mass from the bigger one, a sure sign that a supernova was due to happen soon. Well, soon considering an astronomical scale. It could be tomorrow, it could be in a million years. He had to look away, or risk permanently damaging his eyes. He blinked a few times, the sun spots on his eyes would take some time to disappear. There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky, most likely because there just wasn't enough moisture in the atmosphere to form even a single tiny cloud. And what little wind there was, only brought more heat, and sand. If it wasn’t for the slight situation he found himself in, he would’ve been amazed by the view and the scenery. The scorching sand below wasn’t much better than the bright light. Every step with his bulky boots was a struggle, the weight on his back and shoulders made the desperate fight for his life far worse. But at least he hadn’t chosen the black suit, and the suit did keep most of the heat from the sunlight off of him. “Cherish the little things in life sweetie, soon they’ll be gone, and then you’ll have nothing.” That’s what S'am used to say to him when he got cranky. If she had been here she would’ve had a few harsh words to say to him, that’s for sure. He could see her face in his mind, that short red hair, and the way her big blue eyes twinkled when she tilted her head to the side and smiled. And that cute little wrinkle she got between her eyebrows, she'd do that sometimes, mostly when he had done something stupidly dangerous. What he wouldn't give to see that face just one more time before... He shook his head violently, trying to shake his thoughts in order. No, that train of thought was not leaving the station. He tried to think of something else, but there wasn’t much else to occupy his mind. Sand. Sand dunes. A few small rocks sticking out of the dirt. More sand dunes. It didn't matter where he looked, it all looked pretty much the same. But he knew he couldn't just sit down and wait for the inevitable.

"You gotta keep moving, Jackass." He said to himself as he started walking. The concept of time quickly became completely pointless in this burning hell. There was nothing but sand and small patches of rough, dry dirt as far as the eyes could see. He couldn’t for the life of him remember the name of the binary star this god forsaken planet orbited around, but he remembered that both the inner planets were tidal locked. That meant that, if he was unlucky, which he apparently had a habit of being, he may have to cross a quarter of the planets circumference before finding some form of shelter. And to make matters worse, he felt the heat had already taken a heavy toll on his mind. He could hardly remember his own name. “One more step, Bru'ce. Just one more step.” That was the only thing he focused on, the next step forward. He couldn’t even begin to guess how far he’d walked, or for how long. But his survival instincts and his training took over, and ushered him forward. He knew damn well that the chances of him finding shelter was low, so he had made sure that he at least wasn’t wandering in circles. As he reached the crest of a small sand dune he stopped and turned around. The tangled mess that had once been his parachute, and the only reason he was still alive, dragged behind him. He looked to see if the lines it made in the sand behind him were somewhat straight. To his surprise, they were. Well, sort of. Not the straightest lines he’d seen or made, but absolutely good enough. With the sun on his back he kept walking. He was certain the two suns had been higher when he started, so he must be getting somewhere. But he hadn’t a single clue as to what he was aiming for. But there had to be something, somewhere. If he could find the escape pod, if there was anything left of it, then maybe he could send a distress signal. The relay wasn’t that far, it should be able to pick up the signal. Hopefully. No, definitely. It was going to work, he was getting off this lifeless rock alive. He just had to work hard for it. He adjusted the solar panels behind his helmet, trying to deflect as much light as possible. It had started getting hot as soon as he had woken up. He had flashbacks of the chaos on the ship, something catastrophic had happened, but he couldn't say exactly what. The onboard computer had been beeping furiously, just about every alarm possible had gone off at the same time. No cabin pressure, engines failed. Even the damn near indestructible antigravity reactor had gone offline. Then, darkness, and falling. He had woken up again in the escape pod as it tumbled down towards the surface. The emergency parachutes had deployed too soon, and burned up in the scorching hot atmosphere. If he hadn't bailed out in time and deployed the suits built in parachutes he would've been as dead as... Well, as dead as this planet. His thought were interrupted by the water reclaimer beeping discreetly in his ear. He glanced at the cracked display on his left arm. Water level at 35%. It had been 20% just a little while ago, but the thought of drinking his own recycled body fluids felt less appealing than ever. At least his batteries were fully charged. He knew he wouldn’t suffocate, unless the carbon filters clogged up due to all the sand. The rest of the display wasn’t much use, the atmospheric data was unreadable, and he wasn’t going to remove the only shade he had either way. The chances of this planet having an oxygen-based atmosphere, in sufficient quantities, were probably not the best. He laughed to himself. "Not the best? That's the understatement of the century right there." He kept his eye on the horizon and kept walking. “Come on, Bru'ce. One more step. I’m coming home, S'am. Just one more.” He started walking down the sand dune, desperate to find something.

[thedeviousdo]

I admit I’m sad that we didn’t get the Bald Loey picture to carry on with the Enlistment tradition. Naively I didn’t think about potential COVID restrictions in South Korea (they seemed to get this thing shut down tight very early on and it just didn’t cross my mind) but of course EXO cannot break that rules - they would be torn to shreds!

But it’s even sadder if EXO fans are turning on each other. I am a baby EXO—L; I only discovered them in early 2019! 😩. And I legit can’t keep up on Twitter as most posts reference issues that are never clearly stated so I can never work out exactly what the beef is.

I get that there is a lot of criticism of SM for not supporting/ promoting EXO. I don’t know how much of that is valid but I suspect a lot of it is true. He company will always be on the look out for the next cash cow.

But when the do call fans start dragging the members it’s just so sad. Sehun seems to g the target today. If it’s not posted on social media it didn’t happen 😫. Maybe it’s because they live their own lives constantly attached tho their phones that they cannot imagine that people can have a whole life away from sm platforms and not everything needs to be a performative gesture!

Absence of news about DO has to be a conspiracy that the company are trying to hold him back...why can’t he just be busy with his album, learning to play the guitar (or was it piano?) and prepping for the movie role that was announced when he enlisted?

Why does his enlistment have to be in retaliation of SM not supporting him rather than a very sensible decision to go early to allow him to do the movie this year?

Hello sweet anon, it is hard to see how the fandom has acted over the last year or so. But in all fairness, it’s like this in nearly all of them. You have the good and you have the bad and some days the bad wins. Recently that has been the case and it doesn’t help that the entire world has been dealing with a pandemic which has left all of us acting in ways we haven’t before. We are grasping for any kind of interaction online with social media and when we don’t get what we want, we get angry and we get sad and we have the stupid Cancel Culture happen. We have put so much importance on social media and that we must know every little thing someone is doing. This will never be the case, we will never see everything we want to see and we will never have a right to demand it either. That is what people sadly are not understanding. We are acting like our shoe size and not our age.

With Yeol enlisting, restrictions were in place due to Covid, and instead of using the little amount of visitors he was allowed to have for his members he wanted his family there instead. I don’t know why that is a bad thing. I said earlier that enlisting is usually a very personal thing and family oriented, so the fact his family was there instead shouldn’t be a shock.

When has Soo ever been a boisterous person or even really use any social media? The fact that the man has been silent shouldn’t be a shock. Yes, he has a film that starts filming I believe in May, so more than likely he is prepping for that (most films have pre-filming prep that lasts 6-8 weeks). He also said he was working on the album but that takes time as well. Sehunnie is someone that posts comments or even updates his social media accounts randomly. He wakes up that day and prob thinks, Yes today I will say something on this post. So the fact that he did today and not on other posts the past few days and is getting hate for that is ridiculous.

No member in this group doesn’t get ridiculous and unfounded hate. For some, it is easier to hate rather than be kind. The past few days have been heavy, you had grief with a member leaving for a bit and excitement for another member releasing music. For some, that isn’t a good mix. Even I was affected by it when it happened when Soo enlisted and took a few days away from social media. SM doesn’t care about our woes, they care about money, just like any other management company. They don’t want you to focus on the sad, but instead this shiny object. For some, it’s an easy and welcomed distraction, for others it feels like a slap.

I truly hope you still enjoy this group and the fans of them as well. I have met some of the most amazing people bc of this group and I’ve had even more amazing memories bc of them.

[starsandnines]

So recently I promised that I would share my new brocdes “headcanon” with you all, so here it goes. I will try to express myself as best as I can but I won’t promise anything because I kinda have lots of feelings about this.

So this new headcanon/theory thing came after I closely analyzed Nico’s and Lewis’ behaviour this year. But before I start, I think it is for the best that I share what had been my originial theory about these two up until now.

First of all, looking back at the rivalry of these two, I always assumed Lewis was the one who was kind of an asshole towards Nico and that’s why they drifted apart. I thought this not because I think Lewis is an asshole or anyting but because let’s be honest he is the one who can be the more dramatic, and the one who is more likely to make a hurtful comment or the one dissing the other. It is just the way Lewis is. Nico is always, ALWAYS diplomatic or at least he tries to be, he tries to keep this composed, calm and collected facade up. That has always been his coping mechanism. So all this led me to believe that Lewis was at fault mostly. And let’s be honest I always had a soft spot for Nico so who knows I might have even been a little bit biased and automatically didn’t blame him. Anyway, on to the next point. After analyzing their personalities even more deeply, I think Lewis’ behaviour is immensly misunderstood in this fandom most of the time. And it makes me sad because Lewis is often treated like this arrogant asshole who always makes rude comments about other drivers. However, Lewis is more complex than that. I’m not saying his statements and comments about Nico are not hurtful because they are. But life and people are not black and white I’m afraid. 

Let’s go back to the time after Nico’s retirement. Nico said that he and Lewis didn’t get on after a while because they obviously wanted to be treated equally in the team. He said that as long as one of them didn’t accept to be the number two then they couldn’t maintan a friendship. Now obviously the one who was always forced into being the second best in the team was Nico. Nico obviously didn’t want to accept second place and honestly why would have he? Now, I’ve always assumed that Lewis, already having championship titles, didn’t take this behaviour from Nico smoothly and I can’t blame him either. He rightly thought that he is the better driver (proven by his titles) and of course there was his competitiveness which naturally every driver has. So when I looked at these facts I believed that Lewis was the one who pushed Nico away and treated him like shit because of his own massive ego. Now, from Nico’s point of view. He must have been furious many times regarding Lewis’s behaviour with the team orders and of course Mercedes (even tho they always said otherwise) kind of wanted Nico to be the second driver. And Nico due to being diplomatic and composed about his feelings in tense situations could easily give people the impression that even tho he wasn’t happy about the drama and the tense rivalry with Lewis and his comments he still seemed to accept it somehow and learnt to roll with it. What I didn’t take into consideration is how hurt Nico must have been all the time. He must have felt like shit being treated like that and honestly just beacause he didn’t show his feelings to the cameras he might have been absouletly cold towards Lewis. Just look at how Nico reacts here (x) to a question about being friends and rivals with Lewis at the same time  and how Lewis  was just trying to make Nico laugh about it almost as if he already knew that Nico didn’t like the situation. So what I’m trying to say is that Nico mght have been the one who started to drift apart from Lewis because he was hurt and couldn’t bare being treated in such way in the team. 

(I hope you can still follow me because I haven’t even started the main theory yet :D)

So now comes a little psychology lesson even tho I’m no expert. Nico has always been very consistent with what he said about his and Lewis’ relationship during his time in the team. If you look at press conferences, post race/quali interviews he used to say the same thing all over again, sharing very little with the media, rambling about the ‘base respect towards each other” etc… Right after his retirement however, he immediately started to open up. He emphasized many times how he wanted to make things right with Lewis because he was not in the team anymore so it should be easy right? At first I was like, sure that’s the right thing to do. As this year’s season went on, Nico somehow always talked about Lewis on twitter or in interviews. Bordering on being a little too pushy in my opinion. Now I get it that he is still connected to Mercedes as he is the ambassador of the team and I guess he still has to suppport them and that means not talking shit about Lewis. But I always thought that he could have tone it down a lil bit if he wanted to but he seemed honest and genuinely happy for Lewis’ succes and race wins this year. So we saw Nico’s behaviour and after this gifset (x) where Lewis didn’t even look at Nico’s direction even tho he touched his arm, and this post (x) where they have shown a picture of Lewis and Nico to Lewis and he simply didn’t want to do anything with it, he didn’t even want to say a word about it, almost like wanting to forget that he and Nico have ever been friends. Now these passive vibes coming from Lewis almost immediately, being hugely in contrast to Nico’s kind and open approach towards Lewis, had been criticized by many in this fandom, saying how petty Lewis behaves and how he “can’t let go of his rivalry with Nico”. But in my view, that is not how people work. Lewis had many rivals in the past before Nico, I don’t think I have to specify these drivers. Nonetheless he still moved on and still can be civil with those drivers. Which leads us to the conclusion that NO Lewis is not childish and not petty and not miserable. He is hurt. Which leads us to another conclusion which is that Nico might have been the one who was at fault in their relationship turning for the worse. Furthermore to support this idea, Nico can be easily open (like I’ve mentioned a few lines above) and forgiving towards Lewis because of this exact reason that he was the one who started it all. Rightly so he is the one who should initiate the making up. Speaking from experience, my mum when she argues with somebody, tends to forget it really quickly and she always thinks that after like 5 minutes everything is forgotten without her ever apologizing. If you read what Lewis has said recently here (x) you might start to see my point. Lewis basically said that he loved Nico and so he tolerated everything but he realized that it was unhealthy for him and so he distanced himslef from Nico. I find this really tragic. I know how hard it can be to do this, when you love someone but you know that your relationship with that person is not good for your mental well-being so you move on.

I think if Lewis was such a pathetic and petty driver who cannot move on from old arguments then he would be like this with everyone. However, Nico is the only person who Lewis “treats” this way and that’s why I’m basically writing this post because it made me think about how hurt Lewis must be from the fight with Nico. And that is because Lewis is not hurt by the championship title taken away from him last year or the previous years’ dramas. He is hurt because it was NICO who (might have) hurt him. And let’s just consider the fact that they have known each other since they were kids. SINCE THEY WERE KIDS. Like, can you imagine what that feels like? 

I am not saying that Nico is the one who is the asshole here. I love both of them with all my heart. I’m just saying that recently their behaviour has put things into different perspective for me. And I also think that Lewis might be waiting for Nico to truly discuss things and he doesn’t make do with twitter mentions and what not. Or he might be so hurt that he doesn’t want to do anyting with Nico for now. Who knows.  So this is it. I feel like I just poured everything that I think into this post and I’m not sure if this is comprehensible so let me know what you think or if you need me to explain some parts then write me and I’ll try my best :)

[ridleytheknight]

Perfect Strangers

Two fics in one night? And one’s a one shot? Yes. I do do this to you and for you. None are Lance tho... maybe this weekend ;) Still! Enjoy some Ereri!

---

The morning was cool, a soft, wet feeling in the air. A rhythmic tapping was heard in his ears, the tapping of his pencil on the stone lunch bench he sat at in the high school courtyard. His fingers twitching nervously as he stared at the book in front of him. Math. His homework, which wasn’t just math, but history, foreign language, and then science. Luckily his creative writing class was finished already.

It was… a different assignment. He had to pick a prompt and use it in a poem. Either, ‘Hello to you,’ or to write a poem about an everyday hero. The teacher had said to pick one that spoke to them and made them emotional connect to their piece. And for him, a guy who could barely comprehend his own emotions… it was a train wreck. There were eraser marks everywhere and his writing was sloppy.

How he’d even gotten into the class was pure luck, a miracle. One he hadn’t even really wanted. His English teacher had forced him into the class. He didn’t like his writing, he didn’t like people. It was pointless to him. All it did was force more work on to him and stress him out as they often had to do workshops where he had to work with others.

Now, to get this completely straight, Eren was not hateful of people. It was just more of, scared. Unsure how to deal with them? He was an anti-social piece of shit. Saying all the wrong things and being an unfiltered asshole by complete accident. How was he supposed to know she wanted him to lie and say she looked good in that two sizes too small vomit color sweater?

Sighing, Eren put the books away. He couldn’t focus, and his class was soon anyway, Eren’s eyes fell onto an umbrella. Lying on the ground. He looked it up and down, picking up the small thing. This was Isabel’s. He could recognize the strawberry pattern from anywhere. Eren looked over his shoulder. Seeing no one. He held the umbrella and walked away. Moving down the corridors and passed his classroom and to the locker bays. Stopping at a locker with a small label. Isabel in red letters and cute little stickers. She’d been his locker mate for as long as he’d been in the district. Always giving him a smile and a wave from the corner which he cramped himself into. He took the small ribbon on the handle and tied it to the lock. She’d find it there.

And without even looking back Eren walked away to his class. It wasn’t a big deal, just another day. He had always done stuff like that. It was, a way of interacting with people without actually having to look them in the eyes. It was easier than talking. He’d always done it. Always would do it. Just like today would go. As he sat down in his first class. Practically day dreaming his way through the classes. Slipping notecards with answers onto people that were called out without preparation or understanding. Leaving behind a sandwich for the girl who couldn’t afford lunch. Secretly letting the guy who worked nights to support him and his sister cheat off him. Acting like he didn’t know as to not humiliate him. It all lead up to his English class.

He scooted into his desk and was surprised as another sat beside him. Looking at him, Eren had never seen someone fit the profile of perfect stranger so well. His hair looked silky soft, and his skin was porcelain. Levi Ackerman. He was a junior at his school. He was also in Eren’s creative writing class. Though Eren had never been as close to him as he was right now. The others grey eyes narrowed in an expression of boredom. Yet, when he spoke, Eren could hear a kernel of interest.

“Eren, right?” Eren’s hand moved quietly as he stared at the other, not noticing as his hand grabbed a notebook that was falling from his neighbor’s desk before it could hit the floor without looking. It was her diary, and he knew she kept pictures in there. No need for it to spill everywhere. Giving a sheepish smile to the other as he slipped the book more firmly onto her desk.

“Y-yes.” Levi grunted, as if Eren’s affirmation wasn’t needed, even though Eren thought he’d heard question in the other’s tone.

“Do you even notice when you do stuff like that?” Eren got nervous. He hadn’t been caught had he? No. This stranger had only seen the notebook thing. He could play dumb and make it to next period. Levi would forget him by tomorrow anyway. This was just a fleeting interest in the boy that never talked to anyone. Many people did the same thing. Then they got frustrated or tired of Eren’s distant and despondence and would leave him on his own once more.

“Do what?” Levi shook his head.

“Nothing, did you do the assignment for creative writing?” Ah, school. This is probably why Levi approached him… but why? There were so many better writers in the class. Unless Levi wanted to ask something from the worst writer, then Eren could do it.

“Yes... you?” Levi leaned back, he wasn’t used to ever being the main speaker. That was usually Hanji, but it seemed like that was his only option to keep this conversation alive, but even Eren could tell he was basically a fish out of water. Then again, maybe not. Eren was almost as quirky and awkward as him.

“Not yet, but I’m working on it. What prompt did you pick?”

“Hello to You.”

“I couldn’t figure that one out.”

“So, you’re doing everyday heroes?” Eren was interested, looking at Levi.

“Yeah, I’ve been looking around at students. Teachers and adults are too cliché in my opinion. But, you don’t realize how little you know about people until you actually think about it, don’t you? I don’t know half these names. Like that chick over there. No clue.” Eren looked. It was Mikasa.

“Mikasa… she likes boxing if that helps…” Levi looked at Eren curiously.

“She a friend of yours?” Eren shook his head, turning away.

“No, she’d gone to our school for a while. She’s nice. Well, I guess most are if you really look at them…” Those grey eyes seemed to bore into him. Searching his soul. It made Eren feel bare. He immediately disliked the feeling.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” And Levi stayed there. Making small talk until Eren parted with him at the end of school. Not seeing the other after that. Not that Eren minded, they never stayed around anyway. He was always a passing flame. A small thing to try and get close to. Until they got sick of the cold and walked away to a warmer welcome.

Things said, and the weekly postings of Creative Writing came in. The post that held every single piece by each student in that week. It was a requirement. A part of their grade for their work to be published in a weekly ‘paper’ for the English wing. Though, a certain piece caught his attention. Making him stop dead in his tracks and go pale. White as a sheet as blood drained from his body. No. There was no way he knew.

Secret Hero, by Levi Ackerman

No one sees him, sees those ocean eyes, Not noticing the way he stays, remembering each one Listening to the whispers, watching the morning skies. The returning the umbrella to the girl who loves fun Unseen.

Sharing enlightenment to those who were lost, called out Never one to get frustrated, ever patient, never to shout Giving a break and a gift to the girl who is in need Running away before any see him, a silent creed Turning an ever-blind eye to a boy with a wandering eye Protecting of secrets, hidden in leather binds about to fall from high Unseen

All of these things, he does without credit, Helping the people who don’t mention him Yet, still, he names them one by one, sticking with it He’ll smile, eyes like oceans even as the skies turn grim, Unseen.

A truly secret hero.

But, where his all good, to you, a pure dove There is a crime which he has committed to me Unknown, in secret as in everything he does Thievery, his left hand doesn’t know that what sin may be, A grievous sin, not of his fault, but mine. As he stole my heart, hand in disguise That secret hero of ocean eyes.

A… poem. For him. He saw him! Though… it seemed it was only recent. Oh, god he must of looked like such a freak… but. A thief? Eren reread the last stanza. Turning a bright red as he finally soaked in the meaning. Oh, gods. What was he going to do?

Well, the answer came to him in the form of a google search. Write a poem back to the gorgeous perfect stranger. Though, giving him the poem was going to be a something to contemplate. Writing it came first however. Scribbling it down in his classes. Finishing it. Though as crappy as it was… Eren knew that was as good as it was going to get. So, Eren found Levi after school. Standing in the courtyard.

Eren was going to try and put aside his usual antics and walk up to Levi. Give it straight to him and walk away coolly, but chickened out at the last minute. Instead folding the poem into a small paper… thing. And chucking it straight at Levi. Making eye contact, which was a glare that softened at the sight of Eren’s fearful eyes. Which made Eren quickly turn tail and sprint the fuck away. Escaping to the spare classroom at the other end of the school. Eren panted. He could still remember the crap that he’d written.

Perfect Stranger, by Eren Jaeger

Grey eyes and a sharp gaze For one that’s unseen it was unsettling But I didn’t mind The presence of you is magnetic Even if its one I don’t know

You called me a thief, which, may be true In some ways at least But any wrong I’ve done. I’ll erase With you, I hope Repentance is a silent creed too.

However… repentance, is only good for A wrong you want to undo And I don’t I want to keep your heart from you Selfishly. A boy with a cut tongue cannot speak But, wants to keep a captive heart as his own Please forgive him for his wrongs. He really tries.

Eren panted, a hand on his chest as he slowly sunk to his knees. Leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. It could have been coincidence after all. What kind of ego maniac was Eren to think Levi would write something like that for him? It was ridiculous. Stuck in his thoughts, Eren didn’t hear the door click open. Until his eyes opened to gunmetal eyes starting into him. Almost like they were ripping open his soul.

Breath catching in his throat. Eren stiffened, back rigid against the wall as he straightened up. Gulping almost inaudibly as his fingers ticked again, yet Levi still stared, as if he were a piece of art. Constantly changing meanings. Endlessly awe-some to look at. And the raven leaned forward. Sealing those soft pale lips against his own. Being undeterred as Eren didn’t respond right away, only kissing the corner of his mouth. Getting Eren out of his haze as Levi placed his lips on Eren’s once more. Finally getting the brunet to respond, tilting his head and leaning up to the other and gently reaching up. Grabbing the others jacket as Levi pinned him against the wall, immediately deepening the kiss and making Eren explode in shades of red and grow flustered. Unsure of what to do. Just submitting and letting the other do as he pleased. Letting Levi coax his tongue into playing his game, exploring his mouth.

Slowly, Levi pulled away, staring into Eren’s wide eyes all the while. Taking in the flushed cheeks and dazed look on the other’s face. Levi smirked, bumping the other’s head with his own softly, playfully. Until Eren finally responded.

“Fuck.” Levi laughed at that. Such an awkward little shit. But, he was now Levi’s socially awkward little shit. Levi pressed a kiss to the other’s temple. Wrapping his hand around the others as they sat on the empty classroom for.

As a first kiss, Eren could easily say that it was absolutely perfect.

[whybaddecisions]

To the one that got away:

It was winter when she first came to picture, I was just an ordinary guy that worked abroad didn't know what to do no goal, ambition, or even dreams if I can consider it, Was making money but I can't feel satisfaction while doing it soulless and partially lifeless in the process, before I came home I was in a long distance relationship with someone from France and everything worked out just fine but eventually we lacked personal intimacy, to the point that were not even trying to communicate with each other just went with our days without even saying "Hi" or "Good morning" to be honest I thought that she would be the one for me and I'll be the one for her, I was greatly mistaken to have thought that, because if u truly wish someone to be with you till your last breath it must have the right amount of perseverance, the strive to push forward and not to quit and fight! One day we came to an agreement that the thing we have isn't working out anymore, so we broke up decided to be friends, just like that in a snap of a finger she was gone and so am I.

I know that it's rough on both of us but on the other hand it felt that the chemistry wasn't there anymore so it's better to leave that be.

After a month I decided to focus more on my career first since I'm waiting for my agency to call and kick me out of the country again but with a new job on a cruise ship around Us and Europe, while waiting i knew that my brother knows a lot of people here in the Philippines that has a company related to my forte so I asked him

"Man do you know anyone in the industry looking for a waiter?"

He told me that there was one here in Batangas and she was a good friend of his.

"yeah I know a place just a 5 min drive from here"

So I was excited cuz I'm going to work my ass off and forget what has happened.

So there it was "TRICIA'S" name of the workplace my brother told me about, and on December 17, 2019 I started there as a waiter, it was an open house bar kinda rowdy but in a good way but damn do these kids party hard! My shift was from 4pm to 4am and it was messy as hell always but I had fun in the process.

Then that faithful day came to place, all the stars were aligned and the soothing falling of leaves was upon me, I didn't expect any less from that day than any day cause for me it was just goin to turn out as an ordinary day, but then u came and I saw you with my best friend. 🙏 well I couldn't care less at first if u talk to me or not, but the first time you shut me down is when you were passing by my side I thought that u are going to get a menu off the bar, and I was psyched and told myself "now's my chance to like give her the menu and make small talk" Then u said "No" off the bat cuz u were just going to grab that box of tissue, boo me assumer! Then I remembered u were with my best friend so time to show off I think? Like provide them with the best service possible, bring the drinks on time, food must be hot, bucket of ice must be full all the time, no delay in anything like to the fullest service a server can give them, after all was served I was shocked that u said Hi and Hi again and again complimented my cologne called me by my nickname which wasn't really needed, I was shy just making a grin of my mouth just to show her I'm not bothered, but I'm to the fullest extent cause I already asked for ur name, checked u out on Facebook through my best friend that's why I was shy.

The u guys left. And I asked my bff

"should I add her on FB? What ya think?"

She replied with so much enthusiasm

"Gooooo! Add her, she wants to be friends with you also"

And boom it hit me like the biggest meteorite just punched through earth, I was so overwhelmed and cannot wipe the smile of my face that morning.

I'm not normal I can say that proudly in a good way of course, but if someone overwhelmed already with the thought of his/her crush wanting for them to be friends and then out of nothing she says that do you want me to bring you coffee, that would be the most awesome thing that would happen to you, you'd probably be smiling for the whole day like legitimately smiling at everyone with the upmost feeling. For me coffee is sometimes is more important than people but for what she did LFU!!! And she brought me my coffee that morning and she insisted on bringing it , on that day she already got me.

Time passed and things were going accordingly, perfectly some bumps along the way, but we were happy and contended to what we had and a few dates, I remember on the night before Christmas I was supposed to give u your present and you stood me up because of a party your family held and I understood that situation of yours, kinda sulk tho that we didn't get to meet but one of my favorite memory is when you asked me out on a date and it was Christmas, you got to meet my parents also sorry if your hills was soaked in water cuz it was pouring heavily that day. We ate at "Romantic Baboy" a Korean restaurant with unlimited pork skin, chicken strips and cheese on the sides, and you know what's my favorite part of that particular day? Is when I took a picture of you smelling a rose and thought to myself that I don't want this to end may the universe hinder us from us but I'll fight with my last breath to preserve what we have and what else will happen. Then I fucked up.

Scribbled words, nauseated, anxious, crippled, out of way, bothered, stressed,fretful,fretting, disturbed, agitated, irritated, apprehensive, to the point that I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror so disgusted to what I did, execute me if the universe wants to, the feeling of overly doubting my self worth was inevitable, brought to me by my own decisions that messed me up entirely.

Wondering what happened haunts me in the most gruesome way possible. So here it goes, I lied to her big-time which I didn't know that it was possible since I did it already not multiple times but only ONE THAT GOT ME REAL FUCKED! Is when I received a message from my longtime best friend from way back as kids, 20 years to be exact . On the message she told me

"when are you going to show urself I haven't seen u in forever"

Then I was shocked cause normally she wouldn't Pm (Private Message) like that in the past, then I told her.

"one of these days when I'm not busy cause of work"

Then she asked about my love life and u were the first in my mind so I told her about you.

"there's this girl that I'm seeing, my other best friend introduced me to her and she already met my parents last Christmas then we ate outside and we had a great time"

That's what I said then I also told her to help me find a perfect present for you.

Then on December 27, 2019 I told you that I'll be visiting a long time friend with a kid and I didn't tell you if it was a girl or a boy cause I don't want you to get angry at me but then again I should've told you that in the first place. When I was there at her house since we were long time friends we had a great time also with the kid in the picture, happy and overwhelmed at the same time, then her mother came down gave me a hug and greeted me welcome home or back to the phil, cause she hasn't seen me for over 4 years I think. After the the greetings my best friend told her mom that I'm seeing someone which is you. Well I didn't expect that she would be sly about it and drop your name so casually, so I just came right through it and said yes I'm dating this girl and she's wonderful, but her mom told me that r u taking things way to fastly you just got out of a relationship, I told them that also I was off with someone before I met you. So after they told me not to deepen anything with anyone yet, assuring that I would not get hurt cause for them I'm family also, cause her dad was the godfather of my brother that's why our families was close still to this point they are.

Then the next day came I went again to her house because I was having fun playing with her son and missed talking to her a lot, because in the longest time I had a crush on her and knowing me I couldn't seal the deal from before, but this time I thought to myself maybe this is it when she'll notice the man i have become, and you passed my memory, in me saying that I'm dating this girl and why should I break her heart? Did u deserve to be treated that way Nooooo! In fuckin million years no! But I did anyways. Without even consenting my best friend, myself and most importantly God. I messed up 😭

So then it happened the happiest'sh and the worst'sh decision in my existence trampling over someone that didn't deserve any hardships cause you were the most beautiful soul ever seen. Yeah I misunderstood the fact that she'll replace you over and over again because of the thing we had in the past like 20 years of friendship over something that just happened recently was a very wrong thought to even deliver in a person's mouth crippling fear came over me I didn't know what to do my life was in chaos lost in the path, I part take wishing it all away silently murmuring to myself that if had the power to change it all I would, I was blinded really blinded by that stumbling and staggering in every situation possible, even with work I wasn't happy anymore so I left, it's not like me to leave unprofessionally but I did cause it broke me down to my core knowing that I did something to hurt the most, I don't know if it's faith that we met or just me knocking on the door of heaven praying and longing for someone to bump in my life and there you was. But I was too blinded by the fact that I thought that she'll be the one to save me but you were there standing without flinching and with the unyielding love that a human person can give to another and I wasted it all away. Knowing that we were supposed to go to an amusement park, and guess what? That Jan 3 was the day destiny punched me in the face for me to tell you what I got in stored deep inside the dark and deep corners of my heart which was hard to let it out, but I was willing to get out of my comfort zone, break boundaries and say what I really mean.

But then again it didn't happen because of me. But why is that I don't have a perfect checklist of good things in life and almost all of it is on the bad side, really looking inside I didn't have any intention of hurting you, but when I came to see you coming from manila was one of the blurriest decision I've made cause I was going to fix everything but was still blinded, so I did see you but what I said that day when we were inside the car was all true, you mean the world to me but how dumb can a human be maybe I'm the epitome of that, knowing her and thinking she was the one was greatly poor on my side, some people are worth suffering for and I'll suffer for you anytime of the day, week, year or anywhere.

Saying this honestly you are the one with a pure heart on the other hand she also has but like only in a normal state and I thought she was a diamond but day by day she turns to coal slowly breaking and burning me in the process I don't blame her for that but knowing her I didn't expect that a shallow river is bound to drop over me and drown me, because in your eyes I saw a girl swimming in a vast ocean with many things to look after but was calm about it, and composed in a way that anything can turn out good and without harms way. Simply saying that u r different really different in a good way of course.

The self realization made it clearer than the brightest day, clarity filled up inside,b the blindness was cured and I can see far from what I saw before straightforward only walking in one path never turning right or left staying on a pace that'll last, growing abundantly in each other's presence. point here is i really know that u are the perfect illustration a right decision

I hope and pray eventually time will get us to see and feel that something happens for a reason, it's not just the way it was given but on the way it ends and begins again, hoping,praying, begging, pleading, that when that time comes even if it's on a reciprocal I will greatly cherish it and give it as grace without asking for anything in return like a river splashing water on the ground with the little weed sprouting through time, it doesn't have to be the entire ground but the important parts only, perfect timing, right alignment of stars and even if the wind blows strongly or a single rain drop I'll always bring you close by my side and wanting you to stay beside me. I just wish in time we would see each other in our arms again.

And to the one that got away.

Looking back to those days we were so happy I really wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, and the simple things u did, like looking at me with those mesmerizing eyes and the captivating depth and clarity it shown, the way you cling was warmth beyond any parka or furred jacket I've worn before saying slowly while you hug me that you'll never let go. And the way you pull your hair back showing roaring waves but calms me up to the core while the strands of your hair graze my face tingles my curiosity to kiss you in the forehead. And I never felt an urge every time you kissed me on the cheek and while you ask me to kiss you back was the sweetest tune my ears can imagine like angelic figures playing the harp or something like that. And the way we used to drive with ur friends feels like ecstasy having fun and in a euphoric way, I like seeing you laugh a lot, curse a lot at people, things or anything cause im not finding any wrong in that, because that's who you are and what you represent. Also the times we had so much fun singing those songs you recommended me. And to this particular song which made me see you in whole different level, cause you were the first one who dedicated something for me, those giggles that both of us shared is more important the . The unparralled and unrequited feeling that those gestures are simply producing, but what I say is the manifestation of genuine love is you.

[godlessfm]

⤿  ––––  op,  well,  hello  !  i’m  neptune  and  since  my  intro  posts  are  always  miles  long,  i’m  gonna  try  and  keep  dis  as  short  as  possible  (  spoiler  alert:  it  was  not  short  ).  also.  there’s  300+  typos  in  this  and  i’m  so  sorry  if  none  of  it  makes  sense.  u  got  questions  about  any  of  this,  i  can  answer  it  the  best  i  can.

( harry styles, demiboy , he/they, 26 ) no way ! i swear i saw west holiday walking down danforth avenue ! i just saw a post about them on 6secrets ! i think it said something like “heart breaking, heartthrob west holiday seen drunkenly flirting with another taken starlet”. isn’t that wild ? i guess that makes sense since they’re apparently shameless and cynical. fans will claim that they’re ( indomitable ) and ( charming ). i mean , it’s not like i know them personally — they’re a famous singer/songwriter. whenever i think of them, i think of crinkling crows feet on the edge of green eyes when someone makes you smile, wild curls that were purposefully styled to look like chic bed head, a small figure swallowed in a button up that is too big for them. i wish i would have asked for an autograph !  * the 1975 career claim !

so,  first  and  foremost.  fuck  this  kid.  i  hate  this  guy  and  i’m  sure  you  will  too.  not  because  i  think  he’s  fleshed  out  bad  or  anything,  he’s  just  the  #Worst. i’m  just  gonna  go  straight  onto  bullet  points  bc  this  will  actually  take  years  if  i  rant  on  about  this  boy.

to  start  of,  he  didn’t  really  grow  up  great.  like  ya  he  was  mad  rich,  but  his  two  moms  cannot  stand  each  other.  they  were  constantly  yelling  at  each  other  and  throwing  things  but  hey.  west  just  kind  of  *wipes  tears  w  hundos*  so  he  didn’t  think  it  was  that  rough

he  grew  up  mainly  in  cheshire,  england,  there  for  he  has  a  pretty  heavy,  thick accent  that  comes  across  in  his  music.  i mean.... his  career  claim  is  the 1975  so you  know  that  i  mean

uh  he  has  lil,  baby  sister,  anabelle .  she’s  v  small  so  sadly  no  wc.  but  she  is  his  whole  world  and  if  you  saw  them  together  u  would  think  west  has  nice  twin  brother.  he  doesn’t  but.  if  he  did.... west  is  the  evil  twin.

though  they  always  fought  they  stayed  together  for  some  dumb  reason,  that  dumb  reason  that  they’re  lil  boy  got  MAD  RICH.  he  started  of  making  some  cash  by  playing  out  on  busy  foot  traffic  areas  and  having  a  guitar  case  wide  open .  and  people  would  just  toss  money  in  there  and  once  he  saw  a  career  in  this  he  straight  up  just  dropped  out  of  high  school  and  pursued  music.  basically,  what  i’m  saying  is,  he’s  dumb. big  dumb.

besides  being  the  biggest  dummy  he’s  really  super  talented  i  swear.  the  only  problem  is  that’s  his  ONLY  redeeming  quality. im  not  even  being  dramatic.  that’s it. that’s  the  only  good  thing  about  him.  like  yeah,  he’s  charming  and  he’s  strong  or  whatever  but  do u  think  he  uses  that  for  good ??? NO.

he’s  quite  literally  the  guy  you  have  in  your  phone  as  ‘DNR’  bc  if  u  do  he’s  gonna  try  and  charm  you  into  coming  over  just  so  he  can  hook  up  with  you  and  get  you  an  uber  when  y’all  are  done.  he  won’t  even  cuddle  u  wtf  bro.

TRUE LIFE: I’m A Disaster Bi

if  y’all  wanted  to  know  he  is  covered  in  tattoos  just  like  harry,  and  he’s  short - haired  harry.  even  tho  as  my  fren  put  it:  all  harry  lives  matter.  watch  me  making  west  grow  it  out  bc  long - haired  harry  is  my  personal fave.  we’ll  see  how  long  it  takes  for  me  to  cave. place ur Bets

uh . so  about  that  headline ... am  i  right  Laid  Ease. basically  he  was  seen  flirting  with  another  rich  kid  /  celeb  that  is  publicly  taken !  cool  plot  there !  please  hit  me  up  if  you  think  it’d  work

pls  dont  be  offended  if  y’all  have  slept  together / met  and  he  doesn’t  remember  you  name .  chances  are  he  will  call  you  bro,  dude,  babe,  etc  until  he  remembers  your  name  or  you  remind  him

west  has  this  rly  weird  habit,  it’s  kind  of  funny.  HE WILL TRY  AND  SHOVE  HIMSELF  INTO  YOUR  DRAMA  BC  HE  IS  BORED.  like  sure. he  means  well  ........ Well. no  he  doesn’t.  he’s  a  little  shit  and  is  so  proud  of  it

pls  hate  him.  im  beggin  u  he  thrives  of  being  hated,  he  rly  does  like  he’s  got  fans  that  love  him  and  see  the  him  that  stops  to  take  pictures/calls  you  honey/loves  his  fans.  but  he’s  like..... simply  put ?? A  Dick.

u h.  so  since  he’s  horrible  he’s  never. EVER. been  in  love.  any  relationship  he’s  ever  been  in  is  100%  fake  and  means  nothing  to  him.  it’s  all  for  pr  and  he  knows  it’ll  get  his  ratings  up  so  like.

i  truly  cannot  think  of  anything  else  so  like....... uh . pls  plot  with  me.  i’ll  make  him  a  pinterest  in  a  lil  bit.  but  until  then,  this  is  all  i’ve  got.  he’s  still  a  total  work  in  progress  but  u  kno .

okay ! so  ! that  was  a  giant  mess.  but,  i do  have  a  quick  little  list  of  wcs  before  i  actually  work  up  a  whole  wc  page  !

001.  100%  smash  on  a  game  of  smash  or  pass:  uh . so lets  say  west  played  a  game  of  smash  or  pass  on  a  talk  show  and  they  asked  him  who  is  his  number  one  smash.  das  where  ur  muse  comes  in .  ur  muse  is  his  number  one  smash.  ALWAYS.

002.  most  recent  public  relationship:  so  west  and  ur  muse  were  probably  spotted  out  somewhere  and  his  pr  team  was  like.  wow  ur  album  is  blowin  up  keep  asking  this  person  to  hang  out  with  and  plead  the  fifth  if  they  ask  if  y’all  are  together.  ur  muse  can  choose  whether  they  were  together  or  not.  but  at  this  point  they’re  definitely  NOT  together,  but  they  could’ve  stayed  friends  or  not.  we  luv  enemies.

003.  dead to me:  would  absolutely  kill  for  this  plot. bc i  LOVE  enemy  plots .  but  basically  west  and  ur  muse  dated,  you  know,  for  pr.  he  didn’t  love  them  no way jose.  but  it  ended  REALLY  badly  and  ur  muse  absolutely  despises  him... rightfully  so.  but  basically  we  can  totally  work  on  this  but  i’m  sure  they  get  into  twitter  feuds.  their  breakup  was  v messie  GIVE  IT  TO  ME.

004.  i  need  just  one  person  to  not  hate  his  man........  just  give  him  one  single friend.  it’s  all  he’s  allowed  i  swear.