#i think we should all be discussing their chronic pain more
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logan and wade helping each other deal w their chronic pain <3
#having a metal skeleton and literally being made of cancer cannot be fun#i recently read a fic where wade would pick fights w logan bc the endorphins from the exercise and pain from being stabbed distracted him#from the pain of his cancer#and i thought that was a very interesting take on pain management that can only be done with these characters#could also look at it from a self harm perspective…. but i digress#i think we should all be discussing their chronic pain more#anyway#poolverine#deadpool#wolverine#txt
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Difficult Placements in the Natal Chart
*Difficult: defined as "not easy; needing effort or skill to do or to understand"
I'm going to be discussing what placements I believe are more difficult to have in a natal chart. I just want to emphasize that this is my opinion (Tamra Judge voice) . Let's remember that all placements have their pros and cons, you are not defined by a few unfavorable placements. Of course, aspects and orbs matter... Chiron with 3 squares to your personal planets will be more difficult to handle than if you had Chiron trine Sun and Venus, for example.
One last thing: Difficult placements can be the ones with the most value. They teach you things, make you stronger, and they can make you an inspiration to people dealing with similar situations. Difficult placements have their positives too, which we will discuss.
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Sun conjunct Chiron: These natives go through a lot of pain, physically and emotionally. They go through many trials and have to learn how to heal again and again. I feel like the universe puts them through a lot so that one day they can help others, which is nice but damn. This aspect can easily make someone slip into addiction, depression, and bitterness if the energy isn't channeled correctly. These people are prone to psychic attacks that lead to chronic illness, specifically migraines.
Positives: Can become a healer, can help other people through their problems, can become an inspiration, selfless character.
Sun square/opposite Neptune: These natives struggle when it comes to their fragile ego. They are deeply sensitive and feel things intensely. They absorb energies meaning if they're around negative people, they themselves will become negative as well. It's so important for these people to be surrounded by positive and successful individuals. Sun square/opposite Neptune is also easily manipulated and taken advantage of since they tend to see the world through rose-colored glasses. Throughout life, this placement can make an individual feel unworthy and inferior which can lead to a victim mentality that's hard to break. Watch out for escapist behavior because these people are prone to addiction.
Positives: These people are very psychic and should work on their spiritual abilities. Becoming religious or spiritual can be very beneficial for them. They have the most impressive imagination and are super creative.
Capricorn Moon: I've noticed that people with Capricorn as their moon sign have difficulties with being vulnerable and asking for help. They are the people that hold their family and friends together - they are the strong one. Oftentimes, they become responsible too early in life, which probably cut their childhood short if they had one at all. Their sense of responsibility is their strength but its also a weakness; they don't want to be thought of as "weak" or "needy" so they hold their feelings in. Like Pisces, when their emotions come on strong they need an escape, Capricorns rely on work and their sense of duty. They are prone to becoming workaholics and will ignore painful situations by working all the time.
Positives: Likely to become successful career-wise, very driven and ambitious, people trust them, they make great friends because you can rely on these people.
Aquarius Moon: Similar to Capricorn, Aquarius Moons struggle with their emotions and how to express them. Their emotions might not even be felt in some cases. They look at things intellectually and in a detached way; they think "Should I be sad about this?" or "Am I supposed to be angry?". Growing up, they probably didn't have someone that they could emotionally confide in or even worse, they could've been punished for showing their emotions. I've noticed a lot of Aquarius Moons have a detached sense of family, they could've been adopted or they just feel "different", they could even look at themselves as the black sheep.
Positives: Can come up with creative solutions to problems, a great friend, nonjudgemental and open minded when it comes to others and their life experiences.
Moon square Pluto: This placement could've been the victim of abuse, especially from their mother. Their mothers could have struggled with mental illness and unfortunately these natives could've been the scapegoat and received the backend. Their mothers could be careless one second and the next they could become obsessive; the obsessiveness usually shows when the native leaves home and creates space between them. This leads to distrust in people, women especially. Moon square Pluto people cling onto any sense of control because they grew up in utter chaos. Unfortunately, these people can deem self destructiveness as "normal" since it was what they knew throughout their whole childhood.
Positives: If these people conquer the negative traits brought on by this aspect, they could become great psychiatrists or therapists. These people are devoted and loyal.
Moon square Saturn: This placement could've struggled with feeling unsafe in childhood; like they couldn't count on their parents. Their mothers were less affectionate than normal and they didn't receive the comfort that they needed, which leads them to being uncomfortable with affection in adulthood. They probably went through some tough changes in childhood which is why they loathe change as an adult. This placement could've felt like they had to parent their parent, specifically their mother. And their mothers could've vented to them about problems that they had no business hearing, cutting their childhood short. Their mothers could go to them for advice a lot of times. They could've felt like a burden growing up, usually an emotional burden but more likely a financial burden.
Positives: Strives to become successful, these people are independent and self sufficient.
Virgo Venus: Virgo Venus isn't too bad but can make a native struggle with self esteem issues. I put this on my list because these people attract lovers that need fixing. Venus in Virgo love to fix people and make them "better". The people they're trying to fix could be toxic and destructive; the "bad boys/girls". But having their partner in focus and ignoring their own needs makes them resentful after awhile. I've noticed this placement attracts creeps and stalkers as well because they have a vibe of innocence and purity. In love, they can grow to be very demanding and make their partners feel inadequate in the process. They also get the ick quite easily, meaning its easy to turn them off.
Positives: Is reliable in love, a lady in the streets freak in the sheets type, definitely someone you want to bring home to your family, will take care of you.
Venus in the 8th house: Venus in the 8th house natives tend to be possessive and jealous in love. It's not that they view their partners as property (they can but this placement alone doesn't indicate that imo), they are just extremely loyal and expect their partner to be as well. From my experience, Venus in the 8th house people are ready to give it all up for someone they love. They want to merge and become one with their partner. Their intensity comes from a good place but once a relationships ends, it can be very very painful for them. Love and relationships trigger transformations for these people and sometimes triggers transformations in their partners. They come out of relationships a stronger and better version of themselves but this is usually achieved through heartache. This placement also has a real fear of abandonment and will stay in toxic relationships for this reason.
Positives: Loyal and devoted in love, is a ride or die person. They are very alluring and magnetic. Not easily forgotten.
Venus in the 12th house: I believe these natives are too good for the world. I say this because, like 8th house Venus, they are ready to give it all up for love. Venus in the 12th house is self sacrificial to a fault, oftentimes neglecting themselves in relationships. Love can bring subconscious pain to the forefront, attracting lovers that make them face hidden problems they hold within themselves. Venus being in the house of the hidden, it's not uncommon for these individuals to be the "other woman/man" or be in secret relationships for whatever reason. They can be easily manipulated and taken advantage of since they're hopeless romantics. This can lead to them having to regulate how much love they have for someone; they'll hold back their feelings and needs in fear of being naive and walked on.
Positives: They love people genuinely and whole heartedly, they see the best in their partners, they form deep connections in love.
Venus square/opposite Saturn: These natives may have grown up in an environment that lacked physical affection. This creates a person that is uncomfortable in love and becomes very regulated with how they express their emotions. They may be inherently insecure when they're young which creates doubt around being loved; they're prone to thoughts like "why would anyone love me?" which then creates trust issues. These people also struggle with self-love, they have feelings of inadequacy and compare themselves to others a lot. Since they have low self esteem, they often attract partners that treat them badly and the worst part is they think they deserve it. These people aren't fans of PDA or physical touch and often express love through gift giving or acts of service.
Positives: Self sufficient, usually has a "glow up" later in life, once this placement is conquered (could be the second half of life) they are unstoppable and have so much love for themselves.
Mars in 4th, 8th, 12th house: Mars doesn't feel very comfortable in water houses, this is especially true if the native has a lot of squares and oppositions to their Mars or water house lord. Mars ignites the emotional watery nature of the houses which can lead to sudden outbursts. Mars in the 4th house natives could have dealt with a prominent mother who dominated the household (4th house). This could indicate that a father figure was absent or estranged. Either that, or his role was weak compared to the mothers. Mars in the 4th house could also signify an aggressive mother and hostile home environment. Mars in the 8th house natives experience extreme emotions a lot of the time, this can include anger, obsession, and jealousy. Since Mars is in the 8th house of transformations, you can expect these people to go through many many painful changes in their life because Mars here speeds things up. These natives are prone to accidents involving vehicles, tools, gym equipment, etc. so watch out for transits! Mars in the 12th house could suppress their martian traits; sexuality, motivation and anger... or it could be the opposite, they could become addicted to sex and have a wicked temper, depending on the sign and aspects. Trauma related to sexuality and the inability to stick up for oneself could be prevalent here as well, or they could be downright violent towards others. These people can either lack motivation or become extremely restless. They also probably have crazy vivid dreams and aggressive hidden enemies.
Side Note: Mars in water houses can either be horrible or not so bad, it really depends on the rest of the chart. I included this because the negatives can be extreme.
Mars square/opposite Pluto: These natives usually had a childhood filled with violence and witnessed a lot of strong emotional outbursts. This makes the native think that reacting aggressively or even violently is normal. They could've been abused by their peers, siblings or parents. As they grow up, physical violence, fights, and anger issues could arise. They can get offended really easily and people just assume they're picking fights. Has a lot of physical energy that can manifest as aggression.
Positives: If they channel their energy correctly, they could become talented athletes. Has enough energy to meet their goals and then some.
Saturn in the 1st house: These people have had it hard since childhood. These natives struggle to be comfortable within themselves due to being surrounded by critical people and even being bullied growing up. The judgmental voices they grew up listening to becomes the voice within. They could struggle with body dysmorphia and have deep rooted insecurities. They are confused within themselves and their insecurity could make them miss a lot of great opportunities.
Positives: These people often have a deep sense of responsibility and can be very successful in their career, depending on the rest of the chart.
Saturn in the 7th house: Saturn, the planet of restriction and blockages, sitting on the 7th house of partnerships can make a native go through a lot of trial and error when it comes to one on one relationships. These people could be shy and fear intimacy due to their self esteem especially when they're young. Since Saturn is very karmic in nature, these people could attract toxic relationships or partners that don't fit well with them in order to learn necessary lessons. These people should be careful of going into business with people and also should be careful of divorce settlements (sign that prenup!)
Positives: After Saturn return, these natives will finally meet an adequate partner and since the universe put them through trial and error, they'll be ready for it. Has meaningful life long friendships.
Chiron opposite ASC/Chiron in the 7th house: These peoples' lessons come in the form of lovers. Betrayal, deceit, heartbreak, and infidelity can make their way into these natives lives. It doesn't have to be those themes although it can be. Depending on the sign of your 7th house, those are the themes that'll teach you the lessons and open up old wounds. For example: Leo in the 7th house (Aquarius rising) you may attract and deal with partners who, worst case scenario, are selfish, egotistical, and want everything to revolve around them. This could trigger your childhood in which your parents fought with each other and forgot about you in the process. Another example is Aries descendent (Libra rising) you may deal with partners who are aggressive, dominating, and maybe even violent. This could trigger old wounds from childhood: maybe you lived in a home where domestic violence was prevalent. You get the idea.
Positives: You're not doomed in love by the way, it's just 7th house signs and their themes that will show up throughout your life. The examples I used were pretty extreme to get the point across. The positive here is that most of the time, the themes are much more discreet. For the 7th house Chiron in Leo example I used, it could be that your partner is self centered and you recognize and treat this. Could be an easy lesson learned (well it better be because if not it's gonna keep showing up).
Chiron in the 11th house: Chiron in the 11th house is a placement I personally have using Placidus. These natives never feel like they fit in, they feel like they're looked at as the outcast, like they don't belong. This is usually the consequences of being bullied as a child and made to feel less than. These people could go through a hard time in life where they have no friends and feel like they have no one to turn to. Loneliness could be a prominent theme in their lives especially when they're young. Chiron in the 11th house would rather have one on one connections than be part of a friend group.
Positives: Could be an advocate for people sharing similar experiences, knows how to be a good friend, values friendships and knows how to be alone.
Chiron conjunct Pluto: I have this one! I've noticed that certain painful experiences; death, heartache, betrayal, rejection affect me SO much. Growing up my mom would just brush these things off and say that they're a part of life. But to me, these things would happen and I would grow to fear them immensely. For example; my grandmother who I was super close to passed away when I was 17 and ever since then I've been terrified of my parents dying. Painful experiences really change people with this aspect, for better or for worse.
Positives: These people are forced to confront their deepest fears which in turn makes them stronger. They have the power to transform themselves after traumatic events.
Lilith in the 1st house: Lilith is the exact opposite of what "women should be" which rubs people, men specifically, the wrong way. It also rubs older generations the wrong way or whoever believes in traditional gender roles. Here in the 1st house, these natives embody Lilith which, you guessed it, rubs people the wrong way. They usually have trauma related to males trying to put them down or put them in their place, even as a child. Growing up, adult women could talk about them negatively as well. Everywhere they go, there's people that look at them sideways; they're either disgusted or intrigued. They often experience people hating them for "no reason". The real reason for this reaction is because they make people feel threatened just by being. They were also sexualized from a young age and could've had older people, mostly men, commenting on their bodies.
Positives: Extremely magnetic and alluring, blessed with beauty, intense aura and presence, always gets what they want.
Lilith in the 10th house: Similar to Lilith in the 1st house, these natives have a tendency to set people off just by being themselves. This creates a lot of disturbance in the workplace; people either love them or hate them but either way their reaction to them is extreme. Male authority can either sexualize them or belittle them making the workplace uncomfortable. Lilith being Lilith here, they may use this power to their advantage and climb the ranks so to speak. Rumors about them swirl around the workplace because people are just obsessed.
Positives: Strong people, very attractive, can use their good looks to their advantage, will grow to be a boss.
18° in Personal Planets/1st house/6th house/8th house: 18° is the shadow side of Virgo. Having this degree could indicate serious illness, tragedy, and critical misfortunes playing a role in your life. This doesn't have to be the native themselves experiencing these things, but it will affect them whether that be through family, a partner, friendships, etc.
Positives: I feel like this could be true but not always so if you have this degree anywhere you're most likely safe. But then again you might not be. Good luck. :)
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I'm definitely forgetting a bajillion placements but it's all so negative so I'm going to end here. I'm not trying to be negative I'm just shining a light on certain placements because they're fucking hard to deal with!!!
To the people that say no placement is bad or negative: how does it feel to have rainbows and sunshine shooting out of your fucking ass?! Be forreal.
Life is hard, we all know that. How could we appreciate the fortunes if we didn't have misfortunes? For all the negative there will be positive too. Here's to all of us and our shitty fucking placements 🎉
#astrology#astro observations#astrology community#astro#astro community#rising signs#sagittarius#leo#scorpio#harsh aspects#astrology degrees#Aries#Taurus#Libra#cancer#Saturn#Pluto#Neptune#zodiac#house placements#astrology aspects
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heya, this might be too much for a single post, but i would delight in a ramble about the overlap between dwarfism and disability (whether or not you/the community as a whole generally consider it a capital-D Disability or if theres more nuance like with the autism or HOH/Deaf communities where it just Is and folks feel the the struggles with outgroup folks are like, culture clashes, or perhaps a secret third thing?)
similarly, id love for a ramble on the overlap between dwarfism and queerness, especially The Genders. i have ehlers-danlos syndrome and theres a huge number of us who are trans or nonbinary, to the point where masculinizing hrt is (anecdotally) understood to be a bit of a treatment for some symptoms. i know theres a lot of overlap between queerness and disability as a whole, but so far the couple of artists with dwarfism ive found and followed are all some flavor of trans or nonbinary, so id love to know if thats as common of a thing in your community as it is in mine
dwarfism is for sure underrepresented in discussion about both disability and queerness, and as a disabled queer person they are so intertwined in my head, and im forever curious about other folks experiences so your thoughts are appreciated!
Hello!! I love these questions!!
Firstly, yes, I do identify as being both a little person and disabled, but that isn't the case for everyone with dwarfism. Though dwarfism falls under the classification of a physical disability, not all little people find it physically debilitating. For me, my Achondroplasia dwarfism has resulted in sleep apnea, arthritis, chronic pain, hearing loss, limited mobility and dexterity. I cannot walk long distances and I use multiple moblility aids (wheelchair for long distance, rollator most of the time, and cane for short distances or around the house). My disability is dynamic, meaning that my ability changes day to day depending on pain levels, spoons (unit of measure for disabled energy), and activity.
Being that I am both a little person AND noticeably disabled, I have experienced ableism within both the abled community and the LP community, which is something I don't often talk about. I've been in situations where I feel alienated from my own community - additionally for my queerness. When you exist at the intersection of as many things as I do, you experience many flavours of ignorance and discrimination from the very people who should accept you.
That being said, I have also had the privilege of meeting other little people who are trans, queer, and nonbinary like I am. Our community is incredibly diverse, but spread along the globe. It is easy to feel a profound isolation, but the internet has provided me with a means of connection which I greatly appreciate.
Disability and queerness is something I discuss in depth in my public speaking roles, as I deeply value intersectionality in education and activism (I hope to share some of my talks as I record them in the future!).
I am forever painful aware that ableism is alive and will within the queer community - even when "all are welcome", we are still an after thought. I really urge my fellow queers to think beyond our own community to bipoc and disabled folks, otherwise you're really just dipping your toes into radicalism. Read more books by black disabled trans women of colour, and expand your thinking. (Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk lol)
I can't really speak to hate from the other direction, as all of the disabled folks I know on a personal level are also queer. Though I will say that I certainly receive queer-phobia from older (white) disabled folks - in my experience, when white folks become disabled with age and have not faced any other injustice in their life, they can be very hateful.
This has been quite a post, so I hope I've answered your questions in full! I would be happy to discuss it more if not/answer other related questions! Thank you so much!
Elliot (they/them)
#asks#intersectionality#queerness and disability#disability and queerness#queerphobia#ableism#disability awareness
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Rented You Out - Part 2
(Read Part 1 if you haven’t already!)
Chapter 1 - Exposed
Moments after Markus got ejected from Denholm’s body, he got up and got dressed with the extra clothes he brought. He then got Denholm dressed too. He got very curious on the switch behind his back, which was currently on “on”. He then flipped it back up, where all of a sudden Denholm started breathing. The rip on his back was also completely gone. He was human again. Markus saw this as an opportunity to escape Denholm’s house, when suddenly he woke up. “Ma..Markus??? Wha..what are you doing here??”, Denholm said while breathing heavily. Markus didn’t moved a single muscle. He didn’t even wanted to turn around as he was going to open the door. “Markus hold on! Why do I feel… tired.. like my insides hurt so bad…” Denholm added. Again, Markus didn’t say a word. “Markus I knew you did something to me. What did you do?! Markus!” Denholm got increasingly angry. Markus finally turned around and screamed, “You were turned into a goddamn suit! You got kidnapped and got abused by a group of men and left you at the gym where I discovered you and then you became a literal bodysuit so I decided to put you on for a day so I can spend time more closer to you!” Markus abruptly said everything that happened. Denholm was stunned. “What?!?” He stood up. “Look at your back! It has a switch in it! If you turn it on, you’ll lose consciousness and become a bodysuit that anyone can control!” Markus started explaining how it worked. Denholm was more shocked to see the lustful selfies that Markus took on his phone which he forgot to delete. “Bro listen… I’m tired of all the bullshit I’m going through right now so please. How do I fix this??” Denholm begged Markus. The two got more tense and Markus was put under pressure. “Why is this my fault?! All that you should know is that I was the one who discovered you! Who saved you! Who covered up a story for you! And I did that ALL for you because I love you!” Markus started tearing up, and he walked away. “Markus please.. don’t leave me. I know you love me but I love someone else.. but please. Don’t leave me here.” Denholm begged Markus to stay. Markus reluctantly agreed. Time flew by and the two started discussing on how to handle the situation, then something else came up to the discussion, Denholm’s father. He is currently in pain right now and is suffering from a severe chronic disease, and Denholm doesn’t know how long he will last. His family is also running low on funds to sustain his father. Markus then jokingly said, “since we have you as a bodysuit, why not we turn that into a rental? Like someone would try to live your life in exchange for money.” “Are you crazy? That would of course violate me!” Denholm got mad. “Please trust me, I will take good attention of your body while you’re not conscious. I promise. I will set out limitations for the people that will use you.” Markus tried to convince Denholm, to which he said, “Well if that’s the only way… so be it.”
Chapter 2 - Mr Denholm
The next day has passed, Paula and Denholm went to school together as usual. Markus waited for Denholm so they can set out their plan. Conveniently and inconveniently, their teacher, Mr Singh was walking around the halls when he overheard the two’s conversation. He confronted the two of them and asked, “What in the blackmarket is going on here?!”. Markus said, “But.. its true.. You can live through as Denholm because he has the ability to turn into a suit..”. “Please, don’t expose us!”, Denholm begged.
Mr Singh then grinned. “Expose? Well I think you got the wrong idea. Actually I NEED to live someone else’s life! This is a wonderful idea to have!” Markus and Denholm were in shock. “In fact, allow me to be your very first customer. I really wanted to know what it feels to go back to high school. Especially as a popular boy like you.” Mr Singh said.
At the school’s boys shower room, the three initiated their plan. “Are you ready Denholm?”, Markus held his best friend’s hand. “Yes. All for my dad. Take care of me bro.”, Denholm surrendered to his fate. Denholm got undressed and wore only a bathroom towel as Mr Singh got prepared.
“Just turn on the switch and start wearing inside him. Legs first then up to head.” Markus explained. Mr Singh went to the other room and got undressed. Denholm was turned around. “Ready when you are”, Denholm said. Mr Singh switched it on. Denholm was a suit again.
There was minimal sound when it happened, so Markus assumed it was going very well and smooth. After around 5 minutes, a new Denholm emerged from the other room, wearing teacher’s clothes.
He was just looking at Markus while chuckling. “De..Denholm? What happened?” Asked Markus. “No. it’s Mr Singh.”, “Denholm” replied. Markus’ heart sank as he saw Denholm looking like a hot math teacher. “Woah… sir.. you look attractive..” Markus was in awe. “Don’t call me sir, that’s awkward! Just call me Denny! I’ll be your bro for the day!”, said Mr Denholm. Markus nodded and whispered to himself, “Damn. Daddy got more daddified?! What in the actual fuck?!?”
Chapter 3 - Youth in You
Mr Singh was filled with ecstasy at that time. He didn’t know where to start, if he wanted to ace a math test, play at the football field, get cheered by his co workers at the faculty, or make fun of the students that he hated. You name it.
“I am so grateful for this Markus. I’m feeling SOOO ALIVEEEE!!” Mr Singh or Denny said as the two walked down the hallway.
“Umm… Mr Singh-erm- Denny, it’s just weird to hear my friend say that, considering that he always feels down.” Markus felt like he was always missing something from Denholm.
“What?? But I’ve always seen this kid as the happiest man alive! And who would’ve thought I would ever see the world through these eyes!” Denny said while admiring Denholm’s body.
“Well you wouldn’t get it sir. If only you witnessed the time when he told me that he didn’t wanted to live his life AT ALL. It’s always the people that seem happy who actually feels miserable in their lives.” Markus was sad.
“Geez… that’s really awful to hear. I’m sorry if I was insensitive about it. I wish I could hug your best friend right now to comfort him.” Denny stopped smiling and turned very serious.
“I mean… can I hug you sir?? Or him..” Markus was about to tear up.
Denny opened his arms to hug Markus. “It’s okay, come here. Rub it in.” Markus embraced Denny’s body.
“May I ask why… are you crying??” Denny wondered.
“Well… um… I love him. I love Denholm.” Markus confessed to Mr Singh.
“Oh-ohh… that’s really.. that makes a lot of sense now.” Denny was shocked.
Without a warning when Denny turned around, Markus grabbed him and kissed him on the lips. Denny hesitated and pushed him away.
“Markus what the fuck?!? Why did you do that?!” Denny was bewildered.
“I’m sorry!! I’ve been wanting to do that to him for a long time! But the rejection hurts too much!” Markus was desperate.
“Well Markus let me tell you something, you are a GOOD kisser.” Denny was impressed. “I know you’re hurt and all, but what about you forget about all that and let’s have a little bit of… fun”, He added.
“What the fuck? Sir! This is wrong! You’re violating my friend! I’m violating my friend!”
“Well, the contract stated I could do ANYTHING I WANT. So come here to my classroom before I change my mind.” Denny was pissed but maintained his seductiveness. Markus had no choice but to submit to him. Denny then grabbed him into the Math classroom to have a little fun time.
Chapter 4 - Stuck With You
The tension between Markus and Denny increased, as Denny closes the classroom doors and turns off the lights. He then proceeds to take his shirt off.
“Have you ever wondered what you and Denholm would’ve been if he was actually gay?”, Denny flirted with Markus.
“I think about that every night..”, Markus sighed.
“Well you don’t have to wonder now 🫦, Come here baby.” Denny started to move towards Markus. Markus felt mixed emotions as he indulges on Denny’s warm body.
Then, here comes the fun part. As Markus undresses to reveal his hardening 5.7 inches down under, Denny looked in awe. “Hard already? Let’s do it.” Denny then stripped to reveal his new rubbery 6.8 inches.
The room suddenly got sweaty, and suddenly Denny’s body shimmered in glimmering white. It was all so perfect, like a movie scene, something Markus would’ve longed for, and now he finally had it.
“Yes… yess.. YES!!” Markus started screaming. The pleasure was so good and it felt so real for him. He never been happier in his life until that moment. The chalkboards rocked as the two slammed each other against the wall, sharing a sweet long kiss as the both of them felt each other. It was a goddamn fever dream.
Then, came the loads. “Hey stop! Don’t we need protection??!”, Markus stood up from the floor. “Why the fuck do we even need that?! This is a rubber dick!”, Denny laughed, then pulled Markus to the ground. Denny couldn’t resist it but to release massive amounts of load. Denny then inserted the huge thing into Markus, and the silicone-like texture made it more pleasurable for Markus.
The creams came pouring down, and that’s when Markus felt like he was drowning, but that’s when he could finally breathe. It was too good to be true. Well you know what else is too good to be true? NOT GETTING CAUGHT.
Suddenly, students from outside heard the blunt noises that were coming from the classroom, and knocked to see if something was up.
“What the fuck do we do?!?” Markus whispered.
“Go clean up the mess! I’ll assure them everything is FINE!” Denny said while wiping off the cream on the walls. The two got to work.
Denny opened the door and saw Denholm’s friend, and the student council Vice President, Sabrina. “Bro, what’s happening in there?” Sabrina looked at him weirdly as she noticed that Denholm looked and stood very oddly.
“Hey Sabrina, it’s nothing! I was just substituting for Mr Singh’s class and decided I would lock myself in the room to prepare!” Denny smiled.
“And the screams? I’m sure that was also part of the practice?” Sabrina looked in disgust.
“Well, I was raging over something that’s all. Say, why not you do me a favor and go to the faculty to pick up my stuff for class.” Denny redirected the question.
“YOUR stuff? Seriously dude what the hell is up with you today? You didn’t showed up to the council meeting this lunch and now I’m put in trouble because of some random screamings that came from this room!” Sabrina was mad.
“Well I’m sorry, I’ll promise I’ll make it up to you.” Denny apologized. She walked away as Markus appeared behind Denny’s back. Denny went to the window to have a talk with Markus.
“There’s no screamings, but there IS creamings.” Markus joked. The two laughed uncontrollably.
“I enjoyed it while it lasted, but sadly things need to come to and end.”, said Denny.
“You should spend the rest of the time hanging out with people. Trust me Denholm literally gets along with everyone. He makes everyone feel special.” Markus said.
“Ok, I’ll meet you later at the parking lot. And I promise, I’ll bring him back in one piece.” said Denny. The two then had one last kiss before Denny said goodbye.
Chapter 5 - Sweet Goodbye
As Markus pulled up to Denholm’s house, it was all set. It was time for Denholm to return.
“Are you ready Mr Singh?” Markus asked.
“Well I am gonna miss being this kid. He’s all I ever wanted to be.” Denny said as he looked into Denholm’s reflection and felt his body one last time.
“Here it goes. Goodbye.” Markus said. Mr Singh unzipped Denholm’s body and went out. Then, Markus turned off the switch. Everything is now back to normal. Mr Singh then bid farewell to Markus to head home.
“See you tomorrow, kid. Calculus homework is due.”, said Mr Singh.
“Markus.. is that you?” Denholm mumbled as he tried getting up from the ground.
“Denholm… I- I’m…” Markus couldn’t finish his sentence.
“Why.. why does my arms hurt so bad… And it felt like I pulled my groin… Argh… it hurts.” Denholm struggled to walk.
“Well.. nothing happened I promise!” Markus was shaking.
“That’s good to hear, you should get going now. Thank you so much bro.” Denholm hugged Markus as he left.
“Well, at least the real you is still kind to me. But I know all I’ll ever get is a hug.” Markus whispered as he walked away from Denholm’s place.
#male bodysuit#male body possession#male meatsuit#bodysuit tf#male tf#male body swap tf#male bodysuit possession#bodysuit possession#male transformation#male muscle growth#male muscle suit#bl story
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Pelvic Floor Health for Detrans Women
A disclaimer before we start: I am not a doctor, a PT, or an expert of any kind, I just noticed there was a lack of information about pelvic floor health in the detrans (and trans) communities and I wanted to compile the information that I’ve gained. If there are any issues or you have any wisdom to share, please DM me! I plan to add to this post and edit it over time as I learn more.
95% of females who have been on testosterone report pelvic health issues, which can include urinary leakage or retention, bladder pain, difficulty emptying the bladder, general pelvic pain, pain with sex, vaginal dryness, vaginal atrophy, vaginismus, anal issues, and more. (Source)
Here’s a discussion with a pelvic floor expert on the issues faced by females who have been on testosterone.
If you’ve experienced any of these problems, you’re not alone, and there are things you can do!
Vaginal Atrophy
The vast majority of detransitioning women (and females who are transitioning) have vaginal atrophy, which is a thinning and weakening of the tissues that line the vaginal wall. Atrophy can lead to pain during sex, or with regular movement, bleeding due to small tears in the vaginal lining, narrowing of the vaginal canal, urinary issues, and more.
Because testosterone affects our ovaries, we can think of this issue as something similar to GSM (Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause). Many of our symptoms mirror what happens to women as they age and their estrogen production decreases.
Treatments for Atrophy
1. Vaginal estrogen comes in the form of creams, suppositories, and insertable rings.
2. Vitamin E suppositories have been found to be as effective as vaginal estrogen in some studies. (Source)
3. Sea Buckthorn oil capsules have been shown to be effective in vaginal health. (Source)
4. Regular sexual activity can help by filling the vaginal wall tissues with blood, which can help to revitalize those tissues.
There are also many options for dryness, including vaginal moisturizers, aloe, coconut oil, and more. Sometimes the simplest natural options can be the most effective! Always talk to your gynecologist and do your own research on products you’re considering buying and make sure the ingredients are safe. Some people may experience yeast infections and other issues when using certain products.
Vaginal atrophy itself is to blame in many cases for the urinary symptoms that many of us report, and treating the atrophy may be all that’s needed in order to improve the urinary symptoms.
In other cases, we also need to look at overall pelvic floor health. I would argue that taking care of your pelvic floor is essential for any woman at any stage of life, since it can help with so many things!
Pelvic Floor Muscle Issues
Pelvic floor health issues can be divided into 2 types - Hypotonicity and Hypertonicity. Both types can lead to bladder issues, among other things.
Hypotonicity is the classic type many women experience after having children or during menopause. It’s also described as having a weak pelvic floor, and kegels are often the best treatment. The YouTube playlist at the end of this post includes videos for beginner and advanced kegel exercise methods and yoga.
Hypertonicity is the opposite type, where the pelvic muscles are chronically tight. For this, the treatment is to use muscle release methods to relax the pelvic floor. Remember - Relaxed muscles are the best at doing their job.
Anxiety can also be a factor in hypertonicity! If you’re often anxious, get used to checking how that feels in your pelvic floor. Many young women experience bladder leakage or discomfort, feeling like you have to go when you don’t, or pain with sexual activity, due to anxiety which causes overly tight muscles.
You wouldn’t think at first that Hypertonicity could lead to urinary symptoms like leakage, but when your muscles are overly tight, they just don’t work the way they should.
Sitting a lot and generally not getting much exercise also causes muscles in the pelvic floor, hips, and hamstrings to tighten and become shorter, so stretching these areas is very helpful.
And when you have a urinary issue, or you’re dealing with the aftermath of childbirth, surgery, or any other medical trauma to the pelvic floor, there can be a tendency to reflexively tighten your muscles all the time, for fear of what might happen if you don’t. Some people with hypertonicity also experience their symptoms getting worse if they do a lot of kegel exercise. In these situations, kegels can become counterintuitive.
That said, using methods to address both types can be the best option for some people. As long as you listen to your body, keep track of how each method makes you feel, and talk with a doctor or pelvic floor PT if you have serious concerns or don’t understand how to do something, you should be able to figure out something that will help!
Vaginismus is also a very common condition that’s connected to hypertonicity and potential mental causes. You’ll know you have Vaginismus if you’ve always had trouble inserting things into your vagina, or if your partner has had trouble with it. Many women describe it as a sensation of the vagina closing up when faced with something trying to get in. You may find that at certain times or with certain objects, you have no problem, and at other times or with other objects, you do. Stretches and massages for hypertonicity can often help with Vaginismus.
Prolapse is a relatively common issue in women who have had kids and older women in menopause. This can also cause urinary symptoms. The incidence of pelvic floor prolapse in females on testosterone is not known, but due to atrophy weakening the walls of the vagina, it’s possible that testosterone will increase your risk. It’s also more common in people who have had a hysterectomy.
Tools
1. Vaginal dilators can be helpful for people who have trouble with Vaginismus or feel like their vagina is small. These are also helpful for people who have difficulty inserting fingers
2. A pelvic wand or vibrator can help you with massage to loosen muscles, if needed
4. Kegel trainers come in various types and can help you perform kegels more effectively if you know that your issue is hypotoniticy
5. Pessaries can help in cases where atrophy has led to pelvic floor prolapse. Make sure you get diagnosed before using one!
6. Your hands! Don’t underestimate the power of using your hands for external or internal massage
The biggest thing to take away from this post is this - Don’t be afraid of your vagina or pelvic floor! Don’t be afraid to try things that may help you improve whatever issues you’re having.
Your vagina is a normal part of your body, and especially when you’re experiencing issues, that’s when it’s time to really learn about it and understand what’s going on. If you’re anything like me, you’ve gone your whole life being too afraid or too uninformed to do certain things or explore your body in certain ways. We need to reduce the fear, stigma, and awkwardness of vaginal and pelvic floor issues, and the first step is to get to know your body. 💪
Exercises
I’ve put together a playlist of YouTube videos that have helped me in this process, which I will continue to add to. I hope they help you too!
And again, please DM me with any information you think is helpful or stories about what worked for you.
And if you’re a medical professional, I would love for you to review this post and suggest edits or additions.
Please share this with all your friends! My intention is for this to be a community resource we can use to spread awareness✌🏼
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Why Alters Are All You, & The Formation Of DID
Tw for talk of abuse (implications to different types), trauma, unsafe caregivers, trauma responses, homophobia, and brief talk of death. We're talking about the formation of DID, childhood trauma, please be cautious if you continue.
Let's discuss what people say is the basics of Dissociative Identity Disorder, its formation. The current leading theory is the Theory of Structural Dissociation (ToSD). Yes, we still need to know more about this disorder, but this is the current leading theory and was written by Ellert R. Nijenhuis, Kathy Steele, and Onno Van Der Hart. They took some research, ideas, and words from other authors and researchers, added their research and ideas, mixed it all together and presented us with the ToSD in their book: The Haunted Self.
Now, there are plenty of problems with the theory, and I know that Hart and other researchers you see in this field haven't been the best people. However, it is currently the leading theory. Colin A Ross spoke about numerous problems with the theory, but he even states that this theory is a significant contribution. While yes, it isn't perfect, and any scientific theory can and should be constantly improved on, its pretty damn good. What I understood from reading Ross' response, the understanding it gives us of DID is good, the issue is when it addresses other disorders, or lack there of. I will state, before going onto my point of the post, that Ross mentions that there is confusion of what counts as an emotional part (EP). In the sense of, how differentiated does an EP need to be, to count as a separate dissociated state?
I don't want to go into that all today, because I'm not a professional and cannot confirm what would count, at least in Ross' eyes.
What I want to talk about, is what the ToSD does give us, and why it explains that all parts/alters are You.
Now, I know I will get a lot of hate for this. So all I'll say is that: I'm willing to discuss this matter further, however I will not tolerate any insults, threats, belittlement, or any other kinds of hate. If you are mature, I'm open to discussion.
The ToSD states that everyone is born with ego states. These states are in charge of meeting specific needs. A child needs love, affection, food, comfort, sleep, etc etc. If a child is able to dissociate to a high level, has a disorganised attachment to their primary caregiver (which is inherently traumatic), and experiences repeated childhood trauma, they can potentially develop DID.
If a child experiences trauma, their brain is going to do its absolute best to protect them. They may fight, flight, or freeze (especially if it is repeated). Maybe all three. That child may subconsciously think that if they were a different gender, or a different age, or maybe if they were stronger or scarier, they could prevent this from happening to them. Maybe they felt like they deserved this pain, that they're an awful monster, or just a toy or an animal to their abusers. Maybe they just refused to accept this was happening to them because if it did, they would be dead.
Their brain will do anything it can to try and prevent and explain this trauma.
They may try to seek help from caregivers, but remember, in the case of DID, that child will have some kind of disorganised attachment. That child will not feel safe enough to tell them about this trauma, or if they do, they aren't supported in the way they need to heal and process. Maybe their caregivers are the source of this trauma, they have already tried to tell them to stop.
Nothing is working, this child is essentially trapped.
So, like I said earlier, this child's subconscious is working on overdrive and trying its absolute best to survive this. Dissociation is a very complex and extraordinary coping mechanism.
So the child pushes away the trauma, dissociating so chronically they disconnect to everything happening, and themselves. This dissociation is keeping those different ego states separated, preventing from them integrating during childhood. Instead, this dissociation basically creates amnesiac barries between each ego state. If that dissociation wasn't there, those states would try to integrate, but because some experienced trauma, they cannot harmoniously coexist. This is the differentiation between ANP's and EP's. ANP's (apparently normal parts) are the parts that are in charge of daily living, they are disconnected from any trauma. EP's (emotional parts) are the parts that remember or are connected to different traumas. EP's dont have to be emotional, it simply is to refer to the parts that are connected to trauma.
Anyway, mini ramble aside. ANP's and EP's are separated from each other, they still are aiming to meet certain needs for the child/person now. That's why it is so helpful or common for systems to catagorise alters into roles. Some parts are simply trauma responses, some exist to make friendships and connections, some have very specific roles/needs they meet, some alters exist to soothe, or protect, or whatever. They are still dissociated parts, aiming to meet needs.
All alters are still dissociated from each other, and some may believe they are the only one there, or the "original" because they are an ANP or host. Again there is not an "original" because the full personality was never whole to begin with. You started with different ego states, and you still are different ego states (obviously alters have grown and developed (but still not fully)).
So with that being understood, lets address the title of this post. All alters are You. Thinking about everything I have addressed for far, all alters are dissociated from each other, so what do you mean there can be a "You"? Again, I'm not talking about an "original", I'm talking about all aspects of the Self that is being dissociated from.
I used to find this fact absolutely ridiculous and hurtful and dismissing. But after starting to learn more about this disorder, working on self validation, and starting on trauma processing, it has made it so much easier to understand.
I, Virgil, am a part of Clem and Skye. Clem and Skye are parts of me. And this is the same for all alters. We are all different ego states that are dissociated from each other, from the Self.
So, what happens if we all fuse? And no, I'm not saying that's the only way to heal, I'm just trying to put this in perspective. If we all fuse, we would be dissociating so much less, we would be fused ego states and we'd create a fully formed and developed personality. We are all parts, and if we fuse, we create a whole.
A whole that we are no longer dissociating from. We will be the whole Self, the whole "You". We will not be dissociating from each other.
I cannot express this enough, fusions happen when you no longer need alters to be separated, they can exist harmoniously, they share emotions and thoughts and feelings and they are not dissociated from each other. There is no memory amnesia, or identity amnesia between them.
Again to clarify, all alters are dissociated ego states that grow and develop, and then if you all fuse, that is when the Self is no longer dissociated from. You'll finally be a complete You.
Another thing I want to address is differing opinions of alters. Let's use another hypothetical. Let's say you have like five different alters that are all queer in some way, but you have five that are cisgender and straight. Two of those cishet alters are homophobic and transphobic. So, if you all fuse, what will you identify as? While I cannot say anything for certain, I can take a big guess and say that no matter what you identify as, you may not be homophobic/transphobic. In this hypothetical, I'm assuming those alters have those beliefs because of things they experienced growing up. Internalised homophobia and all that. As you process trauma and become more accepting of yourself, and you fuse, I would guess those parts are no longer dissociated from that queer identity, whatever that identity may be.
I hope this makes sense. While alters can and do grow outside of trauma, those foundations are shaped because of the experiences of the child. Age, gender, opinions, personality, species, and even sexuality, can all be based and rooted in that trauma and experiences.
Healing from that trauma means reconnecting with the Self, whatever that looks like for you. It may not be the singlet persona many systems use, it may not be the host, it may be something different than what you originally thought. But it will be You and it will be right. It will be the Self that you've finally reconnected with.
Anyway, I think I've rambled enough. TLDR: all alters are You, and if you fuse, you will reconnect with the Self that was originally being dissociated from.
small edit: it is okay if you aren’t ready to accept alters and trauma. but that doesn't change the fact that you're all dissociated parts ✌️
#anti endo#actually did#did system#did#endos do not touch this post#osdd#dissociative identity disorder#actually cdd#osddid#system#systempunk#syspunk#syscourse#is this syscourse#virgil rambles#tw mentions of death#mentions of death#trauma#tw trauma#tw abuse#abuse tw#abuse#homophobia#tw homophobia
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Bingyuan Oneshot
dreaming you the same sun in a different place
JRaylin441
Summary:
[Activating: Bonus Chapter – In Another Life]
[We notice that you are searching for someone. Would you like to accept the bonus chapter mission In Another Life in order to reunite with User: Shen Yuan, Bound Role: Shen Qingqiu?]
Shen Qingqiu disappears. Luo Binghe isn't going to let that stand.
Written for a Gotcha for Gaza prompt "Luo Binghe sucking Shen Yuan's dick (any dynamic)" from an anonymous prompter
Content Warnings: Subspace, amnesia, comphet, internalized homophobia, little bit of gray areas for consent (due to the last three things mentioned, as well as the system explicitly wanting them to have sex this way, more details in the final notes), manipulation (typical bingmei levels), undernegotiated kink, homelessness (not discussed in detail), dietary limitations, vague allusions to chronic pain, typical negative self-talk for binghe. As always, I have done my best to think of everything I should warn for but, if you think of something else, please let me know and I'll be quick to add it!
Read it on AO3 here (x)
Shizun disappears from the bamboo cottage in the middle of Luo Binghe's inner palace in the demon realm. More than that, he disappears from within Luo Binghe's arms, as they sleep curled around each other.
Luo Binghe had sworn that no harm would come to Shizun, now that they were married. The world had shown again and again that this was a promise that would be difficult for Luo Binghe to keep. For it to happen, at the very heart of his home, is a failure Luo Binghe cannot bear to look at for too long. He worked for so many years, to finally have the kind of power that would make it impossible to take the people he loves from him, and yet even this is not enough.
No cultivator or demon should have been able to access that room without Luo Binghe's knowledge. There is no trace of energy or invasive presence. Shizun was there, and then he was not, and Luo Binghe does not wake up until one of his arms falls through the space left behind, to hit the sheets below.
He rises from his bed in a fury and tears the palace apart in his search for Shizun. When that does not yield any result, he scours the cultivation sects, the Northern Palace, the hiding places of any demonic clans that may have hinted at some level of dissatisfaction with his rule.
When two days of searching still turn up nothing, Luo Binghe returns to his palace and calls together the court. What use is all the power he has amassed if he cannot wield it in a time like this? He paces and snarls and threatens each member of the court until they understand exactly how tortuously they will perish should his shizun not be found within the day.
And then, when he stops by his room (not to sleep - the combination of demonic energy and qi can be used to keep moving for days longer before he would need to sleep) to remove the trappings of court for more effective travel wear, a ghostly glowing blue box appears before his eyes.
[Activating: Bonus Chapter – In Another Life]
[Welcome to the System. We hope to provide you with the best possible experience. It is our sincerest wish that, during your time, you can fulfill your desires and, in accordance with your heart’s wish, learn more about your love interest. We hope you enjoy.]
[We notice that you are searching for someone. Would you like to accept the bonus chapter mission In Another Life?]
Luo Binghe reacts without thought, Xin Mo slicing through the glowing shape in a shatter of small colored boxes that immediately reform behind it. Insubstantial, then. Luo Binghe has fought enemies like this before, easily able to reform from a slashing hit. He jabs Xin Mo into the center of it, channeling his demonic qi though it until the blade is red hot and boiling the air around it. The box shimmers but stays present.
A heart demon. A qi deviation. A dreamscape.
He takes out each technique he has developed over the past decade of relentless attacks, and unleashes the full force of his martial prowess on this floating box, and still it remains. Unaffected and bright. Almost smug in the way that it follows his line of sight.
Luo Binghe does not have time for something like this. He needs to find Shizun. The box has not changed or made any move to attack. Luo Binghe checks the flow of his qi, both spiritual and demonic, but there is no tangible blip or drain.
Fine. If a floating box wants to follow him around, it can do that. He can see through it enough to continue on his way and Luo Binghe has larger concerns than this.
He moves the concern of the blue glowing box to the back of his mind and carries on with his earlier mission. Changing into more appropriate clothing for long travel and battle. He mounts Xin Mo right there in the center of his quarters and flies out through the large open pavilion at the back of his inner palace.
It is another several hours of relentless searching, in concentric loops out from his starting place. He reaches for his Heavenly Demon blood, which has never cut him off from Shizun since the moment he first made him consume it, but it remains just as silent as it has since he woke up with his arms empty.
It is getting hard to breathe, the way that bands of steel tension seem to be tightening around his ribs, pulling in close to his lungs and making each exhale rasp on its way out.
This happens sometimes. Used to happen all the time, back when he first joined the Cang Qiong sect, and then again when he was deep in the Endless Abyss. He can push through it, control his own blood to push his lungs to their full capacity, breathe deep and let it out. It is a simple matter of mental weakness, feeling overwhelmed by all the danger that seems to dog his steps. It is unhelpful and it changes nothing.
Luo Binghe forces his lungs open, breathes as best as he can, refocuses on his frantic reaching for any response from the blood he knows courses through his husband's veins.
He hasn't needed the reassurance of it since all the business with Maigu Ridge. Shizun has barely left his side since that moment, even more so once they shared a drink and took their bows together.
Luo Binghe knows that he fed his blood to Shizun in a moment of frantic weakness. He knows that it upset Shizun. That happened back in those horrible weeks of miscommunication and hurt feelings. He had just wanted to make it so that he could heal Shizun. He had just wanted to make it so that he would always know where Shizun was. He had just wanted to make it so that he could never be thrown away again.
It was a violation of his privacy and crossed so many of those boundaries that Shizun insists are so important. More than that, it scared him. That is the part that Luo Binghe can't abide by, in his memory. He hadn't meant to scare Shizun and he wishes it had happened differently.
Still, the blood parasites had been a blessing, while Shizun was trapped in the Water Prison and he had been able to check his position while using every scrap of self-control not to crawl on hands and knees to his side and lay his head on his lap, like he might have been able to as a young disciple.
They had been a blessing, while Shizun was dead for those long, empty years and Luo Binghe had laid beside him every night, dedicated himself to memorizing every cun of his body and repairing it. Doing everything he could to remind himself that the body was still here. The blood was still able to flow. There was still hope of bringing his soul back.
They had been a blessing, while he had been undertaking the terrifying and exhilarating honor of learning how to please Shizun as a husband does. The blood parasites had allowed him to guide relaxation, increase pleasure, maintain stamina, long past when a normal human cultivator might have needed to finish. They also allowed him to prevent any long-term pain or consequences, when Luo Binghe was still trying to learn how to channel the desperate hunger that craved under his skin into something loving and good.
He can feel the old, desperate thing at the core of him shaking off its slumber, soothed by the last year of stability but never gone. Shi-zun. Shi-zun. Shi-zun. It beats inside of him, along with his pulse.
He is flying through the air and watching for Shizun and pullingpullingpulling on the blood parasites but nothing is happening.
And then, the blue screen shifts a little, brightens a bit, moves itself back to the center of his vision.
[Activating: Bonus Chapter – In Another Life]
[We notice that you are searching for someone. Would you like to accept the bonus chapter mission In Another Life in order to reunite with User: Shen Yuan, Bound Role: Shen Qingqiu?]
Those words, reunite with Shen Qingqiu. It may be a cursed monster, offering a deal, but he has faith that he can defeat any enemy placed before him. He agrees with just a thought, before he has time to consider it for a second further.
One moment, Luo Binghe is flying over the forest on Xin Mo. The next instant, he is standing on a strangely level path next to the scream of metal carriages as they whirl past. The momentum of his flight suddenly interrupted makes him stumble for just a moment.
[The System was successfully activated! Starting C-Points: 100. Please ensure C-Points do not fall below zero, or the System will automatically mete out punishment.]
[You may earn C-Points through completing quests. Current quest: Locate Shen Yuan. Good luck!]
*~*~*
The city Luo Binghe has found himself in is much like any other city. There are pedestrians moving quickly down walkways, large buildings here in the center that grow smaller as you move toward the outskirts. A large city, to be sure, since the towering buildings stretch so far up and out in every direction.
Yes, there are strange carriages that seem to be loudly hurtling past on the road, making it impossible to cross safely on foot. Yes, there are strange magical light fixtures with no visible flame that allow Luo Binghe to see the strange, scandalous fashion the people of this place wear. Yes, he has no idea where he might go to find a map or gather his bearings.
But, Luo Binghe was thrown into the Endless Abyss while still a teenager and emerged stronger than before. Luo Binghe conquered the demon realms and easily could have done the same to the human realms, had he not found something he liked more. Luo Binghe had the best teacher to have ever lived.
All this to say: Luo Binghe may not be familiar with this particular world, but he has been taught for much of his life all the ways to quickly adapt and comport himself with dignity, no matter the situation. This world seems to have its own unique kind of magic, but it is populated with humans, and they can be counted on to respond to certain things in consistent ways.
Luo Binghe spends the next several hours as a man on a mission. He hides away his more demonic features immediately. He finds his way to a building that seems to provide clothing similar to that of the others walking on the street, and Luo Binghe copies what an individual in a painting on the wall seems to be depicting as appropriate fashion. With the speed his cultivation and demonic heritage grant him, it is not difficult to be a thief.
The people who live here speak with an identical dialect to the one that Luo Binghe grew up speaking, even if their word choice seems bizarrely informal and contains strange slang. The first two people he attempts to approach seem to be overwhelmed by his aggressive posture and intense focus, and so Luo Binghe watches those who walk past him, catalogues their interactions, tries again. This time, he is more able to mimic the humble, meek way to approach a stranger on the street, and he is able to pretend to be someone visiting from another town who is in need of guidance. The stranger points him in the direction of something called a Visitors Center, and Luo Binghe has his next goal.
It would be humiliating, lowering himself to this kind of begging, after all that he has done to earn respect. It would be, if it weren't for the fact that he would do things a hundred times more degrading for even the chance to see Shizun smile.
And, right now, his goal is so much more than just his husband's smile.
*~*~*
The woman in charge of what the locals call the Visitors Center appears to think Luo Binghe is some kind of incompetent stranger in need of coddling and gentle guidance like a child. Her soft touches and slow speech grate on him, but he grits his teeth and pushes through it. He does not know what he is doing in this world, nor how to begin to locate his husband within it. The blood parasites still are not working, and so he will need to learn the methods by which a normal human locates another in a city like this.
He needs her help. This is the kind of help she is offering, and he will take what is on the table if it brings him even a step closer to where his husband is. The mysterious System seems confident that Shizun is hidden within this strange world, and that's the only lead he has so far. It says that the next step is to locate someone called Shen Yuan.
So. He will sit at the chair she has pulled over for him. He will fill out the paperwork with her delicate hand resting on his shoulder. He will grin and bear the way that she keeps talking so loudly and so slowly and so directly in his ear, as if he isn't the emperor of an entire demon realm. The man who could have united the two realms. Could have ruled over both. Could have destroyed the world.
She provides him with a map of the area, circles a few locations that she says could be helpful when looking for more resources. She offers him something to drink which turns out to be water with a strange chemical taste, from some kind of sealed, flimsy, transparent container. She asks him if he has any relatives that she can put him in touch with.
And, finally, there's a question that might actually help them get somewhere.
"My husband," he says, "Shen Qingqiu." She starts at that, and then shakes her head as if brushing off an errant thought.
"You have the wrong word," she emphasizes, each word taking her three times as long to say as it should. "Do you mean your wife's brother?" Luo Binghe does not know what he has done to convince this woman that he does not know this language or that he is some kind of idiot. He would let it stand, but he cannot let someone brush off his Shizun like that.
"No, my husband." He wants to slow his speech down too, mock her to her face, rip out her throat for daring to make this take a moment longer than it needs to.
"Okay," she says, but with the tone of someone who is choosing to let someone think they are right when they know for certain that they are wrong. This is already longer than Luo Binghe wanted to spend without being reunited with his reason for existence. He was trying to do this the normal way, the conventional way, because sometimes that is the fastest way to get what you want.
The woman behind the counter works much faster with the long and vicious edge of a blade held to her throat.
"You will tell me where I can find Shen Qingqiu," and Luo Binghe's voice is the sleek, friendly threat that identifies him at his most dangerous. She does not use that condescending, bright tone anymore. In fact, she does not speak at all, making her way over to the glowing contraption and shaking beneath his grasp. Good. She understands the gravity of the situation and just how quickly Luo Binghe would kill her to get what he wants.
She explains that there are multiple people in this city with that name. Luo Binghe makes his displeasure clear enough that she provides papers with neat, staggeringly regular characters on them with a list of locations for each one.
He could leave it at that. But, well, Luo Binghe has always been paranoid and overcautious. His perfect husband always talks of Luo Binghe's intelligence. When he doesn't think Luo Binghe can hear him from the other room, Shizun will talk to himself about Luo Binghe being the best person in the world at solving puzzles and interpreting information. He likes to talk about something called an "eye queue" at the same time as all of that.
The truth is that Luo Binghe has always felt somewhat smart, but more than that is his burning and unrelenting desire to follow a single goal. He has always found himself uniquely able to push past any barrier or discomfort in order to get what he wants. So, if what he wants happens to be his husband's love and safety, he could see how that might look to Shizun as if he is particularly smart in all areas of life.
All this to say: Luo Binghe is bending every single ounce of his focus and will and eye queue to this task.
The strange glowing blue box is a menace and he will never forgive it for being seemingly involved in whatever took Shizun away from him. It is also the only thing that seems to have an idea of what is going on. And, twice now, it has mentioned the name Shen Yuan.
He doesn't have all of the pieces to this puzzle yet, but Shen Yuan seems to be someone important, and he has no desire to come back here.
She provides another several sheets of paper. This seems to be an even more common name in this large city. No matter. He will do whatever needs done.
He does not thank the woman. Rather, he deigns to leave her alive on his way out the door to find his Shizun.
*~*~*
He has been to visit a total of twenty-four places of residence, so far. It took a while to figure out how this strange world organizes itself and denotes location. He had stopped someone else on the street, showed them the nonsense written on a page under the first option for Shen Qingqiu. They had pointed him in the right direction, drawing a simplistic map on a small piece of parchment that they were carrying with them.
Luo Binghe is a single-minded arrow. He had focused all of his logical abilities on understanding how the strange combination of words and numbers could have led him to the location he found himself at. It still took one more helpful stranger before he felt truly confident trying it for himself. Beyond a few complications, such as the first time he came across the secondary numbers that come when there are many small residences stacked together like an inn, Luo Binghe has managed to figure out this process quickly.
The first residence he found was occupied, and an elderly man responded to his knocking and call of the name Shen Qingqiu. He did not, however, answer to the title Shizun, nor did he bear any resemblance to Luo Binghe's missing husband. He had turned around and moved on to the next location almost as soon as he had made contact.
Luo Binghe moved through the rest of the list in a similar manner. Some of the Shen Qingqius were not in their home. He would lurk outside for a day or so, waiting to see them come back. Sometimes that worked. Other times, he would move on to the next and come back a few days later to see if anything had changed. On the two occasions where the home had still been empty, Luo Binghe had simply broken into the residence.
Many individuals in this world seemed to be quite fond of keeping incredibly realistic images of themselves and other important people as decorations around their homes, and he was able to quickly confirm that these homes, too, likely did not contain his missing Shizun.
Luo Binghe knows how to live in a world that does not know how to accommodate him. He knows how to carry on for days on end in a search for his Shizun. He knows how to feed himself when he has no currency. When he reaches the end of the list of Shen Qingqius without finding his husband, he turns his attention to the next lead.
Luo Binghe moves to consider the input of this cursed glowing blue box. When he reaches out with his mind and requests an update, similar to how he once communicated with Meng Mo, the System responds.
[Mission issued: In Another Life]
[Current quest: Locate Shen Yuan. Current C-Points: 100.]
[The System is here to provide fast and consistent service. We wish you a swift success.]
And that was the only lead left, so Luo Binghe had started his way down the other list, the one containing all the strangers named Shen Yuan.
It's a very similar experience, going through this list. The same arduous process of crossing off every individual, except this time Luo Binghe has to check with the System rather than his own perception, as he has no idea what it is the System is trying to have him locate in the first place. He assumes that it will alert him, whenever it happens.
In the end, it doesn't actually need to. The blue boxes are infuriating and distracting, and so Luo Binghe has ordered the System to keep them out of his sight unless he specifically requests an update.
When he arrives at this newest residence, there is nothing immediately remarkable. He has learned, at this point, that this is one of the cleaner, more difficult to access, and larger spaces he has been to, which he assumes means that the person living here is wealthier than some of the other Shen Yuans or Shen Qingqius.
Luo Binghe knocks on the door. For a long moment, there is no answer, and he is mentally preparing for his usual approach, scoping out the hallway for the best locations to begin a stakeout without being identified as a suspicious person. Some of these doors have the small, circular magical talismans outside them, which he has learned can be used to view this location from any distance away. Sometimes they even allow for an individual to recall and view this information long after something has occurred. They are fascinating technology that he would like to bring back with him, if possible. They also make his task significantly harder.
The door opens, and a young man is standing on the other side. He has short hair, in the manner that Luo Binghe has learned is typical in this world. He is wearing pants made of soft-looking, drooping fabric that pools on the floor around his feet and seems to have frayed where he steps on it, as he is currently. He has worn house sandals on his feet. His shirt is larger than seems to be the typical style, and a large, bright drawing of a woman with white clothing and long blue hair in two separate tails is splashed across the chest. There are large glass spectacles on his face, something that wasn't unheard of in Luo Binghe's world but seems significantly more common in this strange place.
He is...slight. With wide brown eyes and soft limbs. Most importantly, he is not Luo Binghe's Shizun, so he couldn't care much either way.
"I didn't think I ordered anything," the man says, and he smiles at Luo Binghe like he is trying to invite him in on a shared joke. "But it's pretty easy to lose track these days."
He is holding out his hands, with an expectant look on his face. As if he is waiting for Luo Binghe to put something in them. This is not the first time one of the people he has visited has assumed that he is there to give them something. It must be normal in this world.
Luo Binghe should just turn and walk away, as he has with every house before this. There is something, though, about this particular Shen Yuan, that is making that difficult. Something in the elegant tilt of his wrist as he holds his hands out. Something in the soft way he met Luo Binghe's eyes before making his soft-spoken and self-depreciating joke.
"Shizun?" Luo Binghe asks, because he does not care for even a moment about embarrassing himself when Shizun is on the line. The young man, Shen Yuan, jerks his head back a little bit in surprise. He laughs awkwardly and lifts a hand to scratch the back of his neck.
"Um, no. Do you need help with something? Why are you here?"
He said no, but the uncanny resemblance in movements is becoming more and more overwhelming the longer he speaks. There is something in the way he shifted his head when surprised and scrambling for his bearings. Something about the way that he curled his tongue around his words when he spoke them. It shakes in Luo Binghe's bones, the familiarity of it all.
"Shen Qingqiu." And he demands it this time, stepping assertively toward this Shen Yuan, because something strange is happening here and it has to do with Shizun and he needs to understand it as soon as possible. The young, slight man seems to skitter back a step without even thinking about it.
"Um?" And his voice has gone high and questioning, and it's Shizun. It's him. Luo Binghe knows him. "What the fuck is happening? Are you talking about Proud Immortal Demon Way right now?" Crude language but more and more the certainty is beating along inside Luo Binghe's chest.
He pulls up the System to check, and it bursts into being before his eyes with a small shower of what seems to be colorful paper, that only Luo Binghe is able to perceive.
[Congratulations! System notification: Shen Yuan has been located. Current quest completed, C-Points +50. Current C-Points: 150.]
[Initiating next quest: Even in This World? User Luo Binghe may earn C-Points by increasing positive feelings between himself and Shen Yuan.]
[Good luck!]
He wants to grab it out of the air and crush it between his fists, but he's already tried that and knows it doesn't work. What matters now is that the System told him that this mission would reunite him with Shizun, and now it is telling him he has made progress toward that goal. The man before him has so many of Shizun's mannerisms that it is impossible not to know him.
Luo Binghe does not understand what is going on, but he knows that he cannot leave this place yet.
If this is his Shizun, then he does not seem to recognize his husband. Some kind of memory loss, perhaps. Or maybe some kind of possession.
If this is his Shizun, then Luo Binghe knows him well enough to know that he looks uncomfortable. This is the kind of smile he puts on when he wants Shang-shidi or the sect leader to leave already, and they are not picking up on his blaring hints. Usually, this is the point when his doting husband would step up and happily enforce Shizun's desires.
He can't be sent away. Not yet. He needs a reason to continue this conversation.
He knows his husband.
"Can you help me, please?" Luo Binghe changes his posture, his voice, everything. He softens his stance, looks down, glances back up with eyes limned in tears. His hair is long and slightly unkempt after days of living with other priorities. He looks a little bit like a mess already and, with these changes, he now looks pathetic and worthy of pity as well. It is the sort of thing his husband could never resist, with that tendency to take any undeserving menace under his wing in a blink.
And, sure enough, there it is. The subtle shift in posture, in the crinkling of his eyes, and Shen Yuan is leaning out of the doorway, eager to be helpful. Luo Binghe's heart is going to leap out of his chest and land at his feet. He is going to fall to the ground and cry genuine tears and hold on to his Shizun's ankles until he can never leave him again.
Instead, he fumbles into the pockets that exist on these strange clothes. They are in the pants rather than the sleeves, and are small and somewhat difficult to access, with the way that the thick fabric clings so tightly to the body.
Even so, there are papers in his pocket, containing a list of names and addresses. Some of them he has ripped to shreds with his teeth in frustration. Some he has left behind him on the street. This one, though, remains. It contains only one set of information, for some Shen Qingqiu who is not his Shizun. Luo Binghe removes it from the rest of the papers and holds it gently toward this strange version of his Shizun, making sure that his hand is trembling just a bit with the movement.
"I have never lived in a city this big. I came from far away and have always lived in a small town. I can't seem to find my way to anywhere I need to be." This Shen Yuan is leaning forward even more, opening the door wider to make up for the way that it tilted closed when he pulled away earlier. "Please, I need help finding my mother's friend. She said I could find him here."
Shen Yuan gestures Luo Binghe a little closer, and he easily goes. He doesn't smell like Shizun. He smells like a human who has been sitting in the same room for a long time and has been wearing the same clothes for much of that. Beneath that, his demonic senses are able to detect the more unique, individual scent that every person carries, but even that is nothing like his Shizun. He reaches out with his demonic blood, but again, there is no response from any blood parasites.
"Oh!" Shen Yuan exclaims, looking closer at the paper. "His name is Shen Qingqiu. That's funny. I never really thought of that as a name a normal person might have."
Luo Binghe isn't sure what he could possibly mean by that. He knows for a fact that there are multiple "normal" people with that exact name throughout this city, so he cannot see what the surprise might be. He cocks his head to the side a little bit, because it makes him look young and cute and because his Shizun always tracks the moment with his eyes when he does it. Sometimes he gets headpats out of it too.
This Shen Yuan tracks the moment too, eyes lingering for a second on Luo Binghe's neck, the fall of his curly hair. Luo Binghe watches him take a single, rough swallow (and it's Shizun, this is what Shizun does when he wants Luo Binghe) and then he flushes bright red (something his Shizun would never do and what does that mean) and returns to looking at the paper.
"This is all the way on the other side of the city. How did you end up over here?" He tsks his tongue lightly under his breath and turns in a little circle, seeming to try to get his bearings. The sound cuts through Luo Binghe. There are tears that want to gather in his eyes, because he could swear that this is his Shizun except for the cold way he doesn't seem to recognize his husband. Except for all the little mannerisms that are different. Except for the body that looks nothing like him.
It does, somewhat, now that Shen Yuan is studying the paper and Luo Binghe has more time to study him, look a little bit like the mushroom body that his Shizun inhabited for several weeks. He would never forget any form that his Shizun has taken, and there is something here in the shape of the nose, the color and texture of the hair.
And what does that mean? Is that a clue or a coincidence? There are no answers, and the System has provided no additional information, and Luo Binghe can feel his breath wanting to go unsteady and ragged the way it does when he lets his weakness overwhelm him. He ignores it, uses his blood to force his lungs into a steady pattern. He can't afford to draw attention from this Shen Yuan or show any genuine vulnerability until he is better able to understand what is happening.
"Here. I can draw you a map. Let me just..." Shen Yuan trails off, pats at the pockets of his comfortable, baggy pants, and then starts back toward the inside of his residence. "You can come in. I'll need to get a pen and paper."
And then he leaves to walk further into the house. If this is his husband and his memories have somehow been removed, then Luo Binghe is going to have to have a conversation with him later. Because this is not a safe decision at all. A strange man arrives on your doorstep, larger and stronger than you on every dimension, and you turn around and invite him inside! Luo Binghe could be a robber! This is why he needs to be at Shizun's side at all times. His wonderful husband is far too prone to assuming the best of others.
Luo Binghe follows anyway, because he certainly doesn't mean his husband any harm, and also because he is helpless to do anything but that now that he has finally managed to find his Shizun. Probably.
That quest from the System is still glowing in the corner of his vision, as if Luo Binghe needs any motivation from the System to increase positive feelings here. If this is his husband, and his husband does not remember him, then Luo Binghe has exactly two priorities.
1) Make his husband fall in love with him again and
2) Get his memories back from whoever dared to take the memories of the emperor's consort
The residence is larger than many of the ones that Luo Binghe has broken into in the past few days. There are huge, open windows along entire walls, and he is able to see further across the city than he has from any of his other locations. Able to see just how much space he has covered and been lost in so far.
Shen Yuan is bustling around over in a room that Luo Binghe has learned serves as a kitchen, from a time when he was watching the wife of one of the other Shen Qingqius through the window and waited for him to arrive.
And there.
Hmmm.
There, in the kitchen, are several small little decorations. At first, they do not draw Luo Binghe's eye at all. It feels quite normal to have a sword on display in a home, until he looks closer and sees the shoddy craftsmanship of the sword, the poor quality of the tassels hanging from the end. This is not the sort of weapon that would hold up in a fight and is, therefore, not the sort of weapon one usually sees on display. That, in addition to the fact that he has not seen any other homes with weapons on display like this, and Luo Binghe is starting to feel confused.
He looks around the room, through the doors he can see into from his position at the table. Shen Yuan is puttering around the kitchen with the same harried relaxation that his Shizun has always demonstrated when he's happy to be taking care of another person and is resisting the urge to dote. He's not sure what he would do if Shen Yuan tried to dote on him right now. There is clearly some connection between him and his Shizun, but this is all still very confusing.
And then, Luo Binghe catches sight of something strange through one of the doors that seems to lead into one of the sleeping chambers here. There, mounted on the wall and visible even from the kitchen, seems to be Xin Mo. But, Xin Mo if someone had seen it several times and then attempted to describe it to someone else. And then that person had tried to make it after only a brief apprenticeship in bladesmithing. The balance is clearly all wrong and the decorative metalwork ornamentation on the sheath is laid terribly, so that it would clearly get in the way of movement in battle and catch on robes.
But it is meant to be Xin Mo. The coloring is right. The blade is pitch black where it sticks out of the sheath. Most damningly, Luo Binghe's demonic huadian is traced into the metalwork near the pommel. Which would never be the case. It's tacky, first of all. It's unnecessary, since Xin Mo is always at his side. On top of all that, Xin Mo was not created for him or his bloodline. It's a blade that he discovered buried deep in the Abyss for centuries and forcibly tamed to his will.
Still. It can be no other blade than the scourge of the demonic realms.
Is this a sign, from that terrible System? What would it be doing here in this world? Does Shen Yuan know that it is there?
"That is a strange blade you have," Luo Binghe tentatively posits. He can pass it off as his speaking of the blade on display in the kitchen, if Shen Yuan cannot see this fake Xin Mo for any reason. Instead, he walks over with eager steps, when he sees the direction Luo Binghe is looking. He's got a light in his eyes, the way Shizun always does, if you're watching closely for it, that means you have stumbled upon a topic that he would love to discuss for the foreseeable future.
There are differences too. Primarily, there is a large and excited smile spread across Shen Yuan's face, in a manner that his Shizun would never allow, not even after a year of marriage, without the safety of a fan to hide behind.
The differences are itching under Luo Binghe's skin.
And then, well, there is something significantly more distracting happening.
"Oh!" Shen Yuan is eager. "That's called Xin Mo." How strange, to hear him say the blade's name without the tinge of bitterness and dislike that usually flavors it. Shen Yuan is excited to bursting and is holding himself back from saying more. This is something Luo Binghe is familiar with navigating.
"It's a lovely blade. This one wonders how someone such as Shen Yuan came across something like this."
The moment he's accustomed to, even if there are more expressions on display than ever before. The hesitant side-glance and smile. Luo Binghe leans forward on the table, rests his chin on his hands, clearly gives Shen Yuan his full attention. The brightening of his expression. The unlocking of the flood.
"It was certainly hard to come by, you're right about that! The etsy store that sells those only makes a few a year and they sell out faster than you would believe. I had to keep notifications up for that store for months before I was able to act fast enough."
"What is the significance of this blade, that Shen Yuan dedicated so much effort to acquiring it?"
The twitch of a hand that would generally precede his reaching for a fan. In this strange alter world, Shen Yuan turns his face away and speaks while facing the sword itself.
"Ah, it's from a novel that I read. The main character has a sword like that, and I thought it was pretty cool." The side-glance again, waiting for a sign as to whether this was okay to talk about. Luo Binghe is very good at lying. He keeps his face amiable and interested enough to keep Shen Yuan talking. It is effortless, almost, to take all the turmoil brought about by that statement and hide it behind a smile and soft eyes.
And Shen Yuan is happy to take the encouragement. He lights up, waving his hands through the air, as he starts to describe a book that he claims is poorly written and fails to live up to any of its potential. He discusses his deep interest in what he refers to as "worldbuilding" and the "monster lore." And then, as he continues on, he starts to describe his favorite character.
Luo Binghe
It's strange, to hear him say that name, specifically. Shen Yuan speaks with the same nuance, the same quirks, as his beloved Shizun. When he comes to this name, though, something is terribly off. There is excitement and interest, sure. Shen Yuan clearly seems to like this character in this book that he is reading. That much is obvious.
But, well, it's still different. When Shizun says his name. When he calls him so sweetly, Binghe, husband, there is so much more in his voice. In that one word, Luo Binghe can hear the fondness that has grown over a decade of shared joys and struggles. He can hear the tentative love and attraction that he agonized to hear for so long.
The way Shen Yuan says it now, by comparison, is so very strange. Affectionate and passionate but distant. A concept rather than a person.
Luo Binghe maintains his mask. He will not let on to anything going through his mind until he is able to gain a better understanding of the situation he has found himself in. By continuing to show interest, he is led further into the residence, into the sleeping quarters.
There are paintings. There are small statues and larger statues. There are pillows. A thousand items, all covered in what is clearly intended to be a representation of Luo Binghe. There are minor inconsistencies, sure, but it is the same as the Xin Mo replica, where the inconsistencies make it even more obvious who this is intended to be.
It's not just Luo Binghe, though. It is Luo Binghe at his worst. At his most monstrous, his most demonic, his most blood-spattered. The version that he tries his hardest not to be again. The version he tries to hide from his Shizun and himself. Something that is not worthy of the love of a peak lord of Cang Qiong sect.
The whole room is set up as something like a shrine to Luo Binghe and Shen Yuan guides him eagerly through each item, discussing just how hard he worked to acquire it. He calls him Luo Binghe, or just Binghe or, sometimes, bafflingly, Bing-ge (and that one grates against the shock of Luo Binghe's mind in the same moment that a flame of curiosity flares in his chest). He recounts the "scene" each image or statue is from, listing off some of the most horrifying and upsetting moments that Luo Binghe has ever lived through as if they are common knowledge. As if Luo Binghe has ever had the courage to mention them to a single living person, even his own husband.
The mask is strong. After all the different things he has lived through, all the terrible things that this Shen Yuan seems perfectly aware of, it is no matter at all for Luo Binghe to smile benignly and ask interested follow up questions, even while his breathing tries to go short again and he can feel the terrible, devastating panic yawning up within him.
This is normally when he would stop whatever he is doing. As a child, he would hide himself away in the woodshed. As a young man, he would search for wherever Shizun was and cook him one of his favorite dishes. As a new emperor, mourning the loss of the love of his life, he would find the newest threat to his power and decimate it with extreme prejudice. More recently, he has been attempting to share some of how he feels with his husband, in an effort to build what Shizun insists is healthy communication.
He cannot go to his Shizun right now. Because the person in front of him is either some strange, alternate version of his husband, someone with all his husband's memories removed, or someone who has taken over parts of his soul and body to use them for some nefarious purpose. No matter what, this is not someone Luo Binghe can trust with healthy communication.
He makes it through the next hour of conversation. It would be cute, if he could be sure that this is his Shizun, the way that he so eagerly talks about this topic. It would be cute, if Shen Yuan was not speaking eagerly and happily about the worst parts of Luo Binghe and the worst things that had ever happened to him. It would be cute, if the conversation did not occasionally swerve in truly incomprehensible directions, such as the amount of sex Luo Binghe tends to have with random women and the staggeringly large harem he has supposedly collected.
He makes it through the conversation with a smile and encouragement. When Shen Yuan finishes explaining every piece of "memorabilia" in his quarters, he remembers what had led them here in the first place and scrambles to return to drawing a map for Luo Binghe to make his way to his friend.
Luo Binghe pouts, flutters his eyelashes again, leans hard on the rapport they have built over the past hour of his listening. Shen Yuan takes very little convincing to join him in a walk across the city. Part of Luo Binghe wants to test him in other ways, try to determine just what is happening here. But, whoever this Shen Yuan is, it is obvious that he is either the best liar Luo Binghe has ever met, or completely oblivious to the larger game at play. And he is so knowledgeable about this strange other-Luo Binghe. Luo Binghe still does not know what is going on, but it must somehow be related to this. What a strange thing to include in the alternate world, otherwise.
He will think about it more, allow the panic to come, once he is on his own again. For now, he will gather all of the information that he can from someone who knows more than him.
"This book," he starts, walking down the streets of the city as though he has lived in this world his whole life, easier to do after the days of searching, "you said that it was called Proud Immortal Demon Way?"
"Yes!" Shen Yuan enthuses. "Why? Were you thinking of reading it yourself? I've already spoiled a lot of it."
"I ask because, when this one arrived at your door, you asked if I was talking to you about that book, I think." He had. Luo Binghe had said the name Shen Qingqiu and Shen Yuan had said are you talking about Proud Immortal Demon Way right now?
"You're right. I completely forgot about that. It's because Shen Qingqiu, your mom's friend, he has the same name as one of the characters in the book."
And then it all goes a little sideways. Shen Yuan talks eagerly and without much need for encouragement, considering all the effort Luo Binghe already put into showing his interest. And that's a good thing, probably, because this is most definitely some kind of clue, but Luo Binghe cannot bring himself to even open his mouth, lest he do something awful like vomit on the pavement or start crying.
Shen Yuan speaks of Shen Qingqiu, the leader of Qing Jing peak, who was Luo Binghe's shizun. Shen Qingqiu, who was "an abusive and pedophilic piece of shit who deserved everything he got." Shen Yuan spits out facts with an impassioned fury that Luo Binghe recognizes from every other time his Shizun has encountered someone truly cruel.
If Luo Binghe thought it was bad before, hearing the details of his time in the Endless Abyss, this is worse. This is terrible.
Shen Yuan talks of Luo Binghe's first years on the Peak, before his Shizun had his qi deviation and changed. The beatings. The bullying. The boiling tea over his head. The woodshed. The blatant blind eye to his misfortune.
There are things from Luo Binghe's life that he does not think about. These are the majority of them. The horrible, awful years when he thought he had finally found a form of security and instead stumbled into relentless exclusion and pain. Rejected for a reason that he had never been able to understand. The pain bestowed by a version of his husband that no longer exists. The ache before something changed.
His husband is different now. Has been since the qi deviation. But that doesn't mean that those things did not happen. Luo Binghe has tried to explain it to himself a thousand different ways over the years. He still does not have a definitive answer.
In this awful, terrible story that Shen Yuan tells, Shizun never changes. Never becomes the kind Shizun that Luo Binghe married. In this awful, terrible story that Shen Yuan tells, Shen Qingqiu still throws his disciple in the Endless Abyss.
In this awful, terrible story that Shen Yuan tells, Luo Binghe rises from the Endless Abyss full of rage and revenge. He hunts down everyone who had ever hurt him and he kills them. The Luo Binghe of this story finds his Shizun. He traps him in the Water Prison of Huan Hua Palace, tortures him for days, cuts off all his limbs and tortures him still.
It's horrifying. Luo Binghe has imagined similar things, sometimes, at his very worst. But he has never acted upon those thoughts. And he has never considered something like that toward his Shizun.
"I recognize these streets." He speaks too abruptly, and it cuts off the end of Shen Yuan's story. Something about Yue Qingyuan and traps. Luo Binghe can't hear it. He can't see or hear anything past the images in his mind. "I know where I am going now, Shen Yuan."
"Oh," there is disappointment and hesitation in Shen Yuan's voice, and Luo Binghe should fix it, but he can't make any more words come out. He is going to cry. "Okay. I guess I'll let you go the rest of the way on your own then?"
He's waiting for an invitation to continue the walk, and it's one that Luo Binghe cannot give.
"Yes, thank you." He gives an aborted salute, realizing halfway through that he hasn't seen anyone do something like that in this world. Shen Yuan laughs a little and gives a sloppy sort of salute as well.
Luo Binghe starts to walk away, but he only gets a few steps before he hears Shen Yuan call out again.
"Wait!" He's taken a step in Luo Binghe's direction, and he needs out of this conversation, but he can never disobey his Shizun. If this is him. "If you need any more help, or if you just want to talk, you're welcome to come by again. You know where to find me and everything."
Is it Shizun? Is it Shizun? Is it Shizun? This Shen Yuan is staring at him with a kind of friendly desperation, his hand outstretched between them, and Luo Binghe would never dare to deny his husband such a simple request as this. Luo Binghe would never dare to grant a request like this from someone other than his husband.
"Thanking Shen Yuan for his help today," he grits out, because it's all gone so far past too much and he doesn't know what will happen next, "but this one must go now."
And he leaves, hustling off down the street, fading into the darkness as quickly and effortlessly as he can, so that Shen Yuan will not be able to follow him any further.
He can see, though, as the slight figure of Shen Yuan turns to make its way back the way they came. Part of him yearns to follow still, but there are too many thoughts shouting in his head.
Shen Qingqiu. His husband. The version of him that had been so cruel and unkind in Luo Binghe's childhood. A version of himself that had tortured him for days on end before finally killing him.
He sits down in the stench and damp of a side alley. It may be a different world, but a gutter is a gutter and Luo Binghe has sat in his fair share of them.
He needs a moment. Luo Binghe is famous for his strategic mind. His husband, in his softer moments, will say that Luo Binghe is the smartest man in the world. There is a puzzle here, and he will figure it out. He will uncover every mystery until he finds the path that will lead him back to his Shizun.
Three worlds. There are three different ones, at least as far as he has uncovered so far. The version of the world that he was born in, where he met his kind Shizun and married him. The version of the world that he is in at this moment, with its strange technology and lack of magic and potential other-world versions of people he knows. The version of his original world as told in a story in this world, full of staggering secrets no one should have access to and staggering inaccuracies that could never be true.
Shizun’s World
Shen Yuan’s World
The Cruel Shizun’s World
What does Luo Binghe know? He knows that Shizun disappeared from out of Shizun’s World. He knows that the floating blue boxes have followed him from one world to the next. The only consistency beside himself.
Shen Yuan is something of a consistency. There are common threads. All the mannerisms of his husband with none of the appearance. Although, again, Shen Yuan's face somewhat resembles that of the mushroom body his Shizun inhabited for a time.
This is edging close to something that Luo Binghe has been toying with for many years. The mystery of the kind Shizun. Because he had known Shen Qingqiu for years and years. He had studied his every mannerism, trying desperately to uncover the secret to keep him from flying into a violent rage. Luo Binghe, when he was younger, had made it his hourly mission to know where Shen Qingqiu was located, what he was doing, what mood he was in, what was happening to him at that time, how it might impact his mood in the future. He needed to do everything he could to know when to avoid him, when to bring him fresh firewood, when to stand still and take it.
It was the only way he could find to escape the whip and the hot tea and the bullying of his sect siblings. Luo Binghe had never gotten to the point that he could track it completely. He was too young. By the end of those first few years, though, he would argue that he could stand in the top five people who knew Shen Qingqiu best. Maybe not his deep secrets and history, but certainly his daily life and how it might influence his moods.
It was easy, then, to notice the shift after the qi deviation. When his Shizun turned distant and quiet and then, several weeks later, truly emerged as the kind Shizun that was so easy to love. That Luo Binghe worked for and admired and desired until he married him and could do it all even more.
Luo Binghe was watching closely. First to avoid danger. Then to try and understand what was happening. Then because he couldn't bring himself to look anywhere else.
He knows that the rest of the sect had concerns about possession. They thought they were so subtle, sneaking past with all their artifacts and tests and secret meetings. It was easy to see, though, from Luo Binghe's place on the very outside of everything.
He knows it was not possession or a curse. The sect would have noticed. He has formed his own theories over the years. His husband has claimed that it was the qi deviation, and that is possible, given the wide-ranging effects that a qi deviation can have. But, even so, what kind of deviation could create such a fundamental and lasting change? It was as if a completely different person was leading the peak. Different mannerisms, word choices, facial expressions, opinions on disciples, punishments, tastes in food. He would sometimes be able to recall a single memory with accurate detail, but the daily minutiae of running a peak, of classes, of past events seemed to have completely escaped him. It was as if a completely separate person had slipped right into the skin of Shen Qingqiu.
Luo Binghe had truly never put much thought in it beyond that. Shizun was someone completely different. That was enough for him. Whoever that man was who had initially been Shen Qingqiu didn't deserve his concern or respect. This kind Shizun, whoever it was, was the person who had taken over, whether through removed memories or through possession or some crack in his meridians deep in the core of who he was. Whatever had happened to that previous version, Luo Binghe wished him good riddance and eternal torture while he was able to live in wedded bliss with the only man who had ever deserved that face.
But, well, if they were looking at a face-stealing situation, then that is suddenly a very relevant thing for Luo Binghe to identify. Because he is in an alternate world and searching for his missing husband. And there is a man here who has the same mannerisms, word choices, and facial expressions as his beloved.
All of this, of course, brings him to the final consideration: the floating blue squares. Luo Binghe does not trust them. The way that they have behaved up until this point has been intentionally vague and cheerful. He does not trust sourceless kindness. That, in addition to the fact that the boxes appeared just as Luo Binghe was at his most desperate and that they offered the one thing he wanted most in the world.
He is not the sort of man to trust something like that.
It cannot be denied that they know more about this situation than him. Even if he does not trust them, he is still willing to use the boxes to get the information he needs.
System, he commands, and the box appears with a cheerful ding that sends a shiver down Luo Binghe's spine.
[The System is here to provide 24-hour service! How can the System help you today?]
I would like an update on my C-Points.
[User Luo Binghe has progressed on quest: Even in This World? You have increased positive feelings with Shen Yuan.]
[Current C-Points: 239]
Dismissed.
[Good luck!]
The blue box disappears but Luo Binghe holds in his satisfied smile despite that, feeling that it could still be watching him at any time.
It had said something earlier, right when Luo Binghe was deciding whether or not to leave his world. We notice that you are searching for someone. Would you like to accept the bonus chapter mission In Another Life in order to reunite with User: Shen Yuan, Bound Role: Shen Qingqiu? It had offered this mission as a method to reunite with his Shizun. The missions so far have all been toward his interaction with Shen Yuan.
And those words. User: Shen Yuan, Bound Role: Shen Qingqiu. The System refers to Luo Binghe as User Luo Binghe. What does it mean that it refers to his Shizun in this way?
If it's true, that his Shizun is some kind of face-changer, then it would make perfect sense that this Shen Yuan would be his husband, in yet another face.
And, Luo Binghe cannot help but think of the mushroom body, now that he's remembered it. It could be argued, by some, that his husband's mushroom body had been some halfway point between this Shen Yuan and the body he met his husband in.
He had done his own research, over the years, on the Sun-Moon Dew Mushroom. His husband is someone who loves the magical flora and fauna in the world, and so Luo Binghe has made it one of his many labors of love to learn all that he can about the things that matter to him, including any magical living thing. When he came to the information on the Sun-Moon Dew Mushroom, some of his own curiosity flared as well, to learn more about this mushroom that was able to save and protect the soul of his most beloved person.
Something very interesting about the Sun-Moon Dew Mushroom: it is not meant to create a perfect replica of the cultivator's body. Because it is cultivated with regular input of that person's spiritual energy, it should grow a body that matches their spirit. So, perhaps if the cultivator had lost a limb at some point in their life, or gained several scars, those may not transfer over. From the limited experiments done by the person who published that particular manual, the mushroom would grow to reflect the image that the cultivator held of themself, in their heart and spirit. So, if that person had taken on their life as someone with a lost limb, if that is how they saw themself in their innermost spirit, then the mushroom would grow to reflect that.
User: Shen Yuan, Bound Role: Shen Qingqiu. A husband whose truest reflection of his soul is some combination of the two.
So, then, maybe not just a face-changer. Not someone who jumps from body to body when it suits them. Rather, someone who has jumped from exactly one other body, or at least only one other body that has had any influence on his husband's image of himself.
User: Shen Yuan, Bound Role: Shen Qingqiu. That's how the System defines and knows him.
So, the System has been involved as well, at least enough to have this information. Luo Binghe is not surprised about that. It clearly has the power to move someone between worlds and realms effortlessly, to take Luo Binghe's husband from his very arms at the heart of his palace. Almost a god, then, with the level of its powers.
The fact that the System is defining his husband by the name Shen Yuan first, as well, says something. The idea that his husband was once Shen Yuan and then was designated as Shen Qingqiu, the kind Shizun.
Well, if that is the case, then that means that his husband is still here, in the body of Shen Yuan. And that makes all of this so much easier. Luo Binghe knows how to make his husband like him. How to make him care for him. He's been working toward that for years and years.
The question now, is what it will take for him to regain his Shizun, the one who remembers him and everything they have gone through together. Preferably, to return to the world they have left behind, where they had been in the process of building their life and home together.
The question is whether that is something the System is offering and, more importantly, whether it would be more effective to follow the path the System might offer or to simply destroy it for daring to touch the person Luo Binghe loves most in this world and then to find out how to return on his own. He could certainly do it. If there is one thing that Luo Binghe has learned over the course of his life, it is that there is always a solution to every problem, if he is willing to dedicate every part of himself to finding it.
[Warning! User Luo Binghe should know that there is not magic or spiritual energy in this world and that returning to his original universe is impossible without the assistance of the System.]
How convenient, that the System chooses now to speak up on its own. And how does this lord return to his original universe, then.
[User Luo Binghe must complete the bonus chapter mission In Another Life in order to return memories to Shen Yuan and regain access to his original universe.]
And does that mean that Shen Yuan is this Luo Binghe's husband in this world?
[In order to return to his original universe with his husband, User Luo Binghe must complete the bonus chapter mission In Another Life regarding User Shen Yuan.]
That's not an answer, Luo Binghe points out, in the sing-song tone that so many of his enemies have learned to fear. He allows his qi to flare, black demonic flames flickering between his fingers. While there may not be magic in this world, Luo Binghe still has his birthright.
The flames flicker harmlessly through the bottom of the floating blue box, but that does not mean that Luo Binghe has given up on ever being able to hurt it. There are ways to hurt everything that exists. If this System has taken his Shizun from him and does not do what it takes to help Luo Binghe regain him, he will not stop until he finds what it takes to hurt this System.
[The consciousness that resides with Shen Yuan is the same as the one that existed within the one that User Luo Binghe sees as his husband.]
Thank you, System. Luo Binghe uses the smooth, threatening calm of his diplomatic voice, even here in his own mind.
[The System provides top-quality, 24-hour service!]
The blue box quickly shrinks into a very small blue box before vanishing entirely. How interesting. Luo Binghe can't help but notice that it had appeared on its own after he had begun to consider ways to destroy it and go around its requirements. How interesting, as well, that it had been so quick to answer questions once Luo Binghe had begun to consider its destruction more thoroughly. The System's voice might have remained bright and strangely disjointed, but Luo Binghe knows that timing like that speaks only of fear.
He will play by the rules set forth by the System for now, because that seems to be the most straightforward way to return to his husband's side. Luo Binghe is also more resolved than ever to find a way to destroy the System, now that it has made it so obvious that something like that is possible. After all, why would it be so quick to defend itself if there were no need for defense?
In the meantime, though, how wonderful to know that this Shen Yuan he spent his afternoon with is his Shizun in another body. A small, cute, wonderful body, that shows its feelings and expressions so freely and blushes so easily. To think, that this is his husband's consciousness, in a body that Luo Binghe could lift off the ground without a thought. Such a soft, sweet, spoiled body. One of a precious young lord who has never had to work a day in his life, just as it was always meant to be.
How lovely, to be able to see his Shizun in yet another body and all the alluring and perfect ways his dearest love inhabits that face. How is Luo Binghe meant to do anything other than fall immediately and even more deeply into the love that he swims in every moment of every day?
He will find a way to return tomorrow. This is his dearest Shizun, without the memory of the life they have built together. He will be very angry about that at some point, particularly if he finds that the System is not cooperative in his efforts to return his husband's memories. But, well, for now, it will be sort of fun. Like a game, to make his husband fall back in love with him. Like when they play pretend that they are meeting for the first time, and Luo Binghe is given the chance to see the way his Shizun tries so hard to hide that wonderful warm fondness in his eyes but slowly loses the fight against the tide of it all.
This will be fun.
*~*~*
Luo Binghe arrives at Shen Yuan's door late in the morning. He would have liked to arrive right at dawn, as the sun rose, so he could see its light reflected in the eyes of this new face his husband has chosen.
But, well, Luo Binghe has lived with his beloved Shizun long enough to know the truth of how that would go. His Shizun does not enjoy the light of dawn in the same way that Luo Binghe does. In a world like this, where his hands are soft and uncalloused and his skin is pale as the moon from the way he has hidden away from the sun, Luo Binghe does not believe that his husband would ever be awake for the light of the rising sun, and he will not begin this acquaintance by waking him early. That way does not his Shizun's love lie.
Shen Yuan opens the door after the knocking, and it must still not be late enough, because his staggeringly short hair is mussed and standing up on one side of his face, and there are red marks along his cheek as if he was resting it against his arms in his sleep.
Luo Binghe wants to eat him alive. His Shizun is always beautiful, always desirable. The face that he fell in love with is stunning like a cold creek or a distant mountain. Staggeringly lovely and unreachable. Luo Binghe longs to muss him up, mark his skin, stake his claim in a way that can never be erased. And his Shizun welcomes it, best of all.
This face, though, is something so small and cute that Luo Binghe isn't sure if he wants to swallow him whole or hunt him like prey. He could build him a castle made only of soft and sumptuous things and keep him there so that he never had to feel the touch of a single rough thing, other than the callouses on his own lover's hands. Luo Binghe wants to hold him up against a wall. He wants to destroy this version of his Shizun. Wants to see what it would take to make him cry. Luo Binghe wonders if this is the same kind of passion and impulse that overcomes his husband when looking at him.
"Oh!" Shen Yuan exclaims. “It's you!" And he flushes a little. Luo Binghe wants to lick it off his cheeks. "I realized after you left the other day that I never asked your name."
"This one is Jiang Ruobing," Luo Binghe demurs. After Shizun's long explanation of the character Luo Binghe yesterday, it will likely raise more suspicion for Luo Binghe to suddenly claim that as his name as well. "I made Shen Yuan lunch, as a thank you for his help yesterday."
Luo Binghe did make this lunch, coincidentally including all of the things that his husband most loves to eat. What he does not tell Shizun is that, last night, after he had undergone several revelations, Luo Binghe had broken into an empty restaurant and taken the time to learn how to use their strange tools that decorated the kitchen. He had cheerfully stolen the food, as he has no money to his name and refuses to accept that as an excuse for his Shizun to eat anything less than the best. He had made several iterations before he found himself pleased with his understanding of these heating units and stoves. By the time he finished, the sun was almost coming up, and Luo Binghe had escaped, keeping the food warm with a talisman.
He can see the moment the smell of the food hits Shen Yuan, the way his nostrils flare, eyes widen, gaze flicks down to the box in Luo Binghe's hand.
It is easy to make Shizun happy, once you've made as much of a study of it as Luo Binghe has. Luckily for him, he is already off to something of a fantastic start. His Shizun had always had a soft spot for poor, suffering strays. It is something Luo Binghe had gleefully abused in his childhood and continues to teasingly abuse to this day. It's not just the tears, though that has always been effective, but any hint of what Shizun has quietly referred to as a "tragic backstory" tends to do the trick. Convenient, then, that Luo Binghe had been able to arrive at his doorstep, lost and confused in a large city and requiring his Shizun's guidance.
Beyond that, his Shizun has always been the sort of person to care very deeply and in detail about certain topics, such as the proper way to write a story, all magical flora and fauna, and the many faults of his close friend Shang Qinghua. He enjoys any opportunity to pontificate for hours, teaching or ranting, to a captive audience. Luckily for him, there is little his husband enjoys more than to watch the flush of righteous anger enter his Shizun's eyes and to listen raptly to determine if there is any obstacle he may need to obliterate. Yesterday, Luo Binghe had been trying to conduct an extensive evaluation of both this world and Shen Yuan, to determine his footing. Again, convenient that this resulted in his paying close and careful attention to the words of his Shizun while he talked about something he truly cares about in this universe.
The third approach, that Luo Binghe will now be taking, is to feed Shen Yuan. His husband has always been a picky eater, someone who tends to prefer inedia to consuming any of the food offered by Qing Jing Peak or the restaurants they pass on their travels. This, of course, no longer holds true as soon as it is something his Binghe has cooked.
"Thanks for doing that. You didn't need to." Shen Yuan takes the proffered wooden box of his favorite lunch foods and carries it inside, gesturing for Luo Binghe to follow. Luo Binghe has never been one to walk away from an invitation from his Shizun, and he certainly won't start now.
Back into this strange, comfortable, cluttered space. Luo Binghe makes his way to the table he stood by last time, and Shen Yuan brings over chopsticks and plates before starting to unpack the lunch. He removes one layer of dishes and seems surprised to find more beneath it. In between each new layer that he removes, Shen Yuan sends looks of panicked confusion Luo Binghe's way.
Ah. This again. His husband is no longer used to being spoiled by someone else. While he may have the body and dwelling of someone wealthy, he has clearly never received this kind of aggressive pampering from another person before. Luo Binghe props his elbows on the table and rests his chin on top of his hands, grinning to let just a little bit of fang peek through. He can see in gleeful moment by gleeful moment, Shen Yuan noticing the slightly impolite sprawl of his limbs, just a little impudent in the way his Shizun loves. Shen Yuan scoffing at the flirtatious posture of his hands. Shen Yuan noticing, glancing away, noticing again the sharpness of the tooth and Luo Binghe's smile.
"Will Jiang Ruobing join me in this meal?" Shen Yuan offers, like Luo Binghe had known he would.
"This one couldn't possibly." Luo Binghe tips his head to the side. His Shizun has been known to compare him to a dog, when he does this. Luo Binghe wonders if it's too soon for head pats. "This humble one worked hard to make a meal for Shen Yuan, who was kind enough to help him yesterday." The flush from earlier has crawled its way down from Shen Yuan's cheeks into his neck. Luo Binghe wonders how low it goes. He wants nothing more than to learn every such thing about this new body of his husband's.
"Please, I insist. This is so much food I could never eat it all, and I don't want all your hard work to go to waste."
"Of course, if Shen Yuan insists, how could this one do anything but obey?" Luo Binghe knows that, for many others, he may be coming on too strong. This amount of flirting could be nothing less than utterly shameless! But, he has gone through the process of seducing his husband before, and Luo Binghe doubts a single implication of his words has yet to successfully land.
"Ha," Shen Yuan scoffs uncomfortably while he hands over a set of chopsticks and a plate. Now that he has been invited to partake in the meal, Luo Binghe takes over the distribution of dishes into an artful arrangement on the table between them, making sure that his Shizun's most beloved favorites are closest within his reach. "Where did you say you were travelling here from?"
"I am from a small town far north of here," Luo Binghe replies lightly, because this Shen Yuan has not yet learned that this is how his voice sounds when he is lying. "Shen Yuan would not have heard of it, but the people there are close-knit and old-fashioned."
"That explains," Shen Yuan hesitates in his words, waves his hand in Luo Binghe's general direction, clears his throat. "Never mind." He looks over the spread of food, seeming to need to take another minute to adjust to the sheer amount Luo Binghe has brought with him. "Ah, do you know which of these dishes might have gluten in them?"
"Gluten?” Luo Binghe is caught off guard by the question, as his husband has never shown such curiosity regarding specific ingredients before.
“Wheat, or things made from wheat,” Shen Yuan clarifies, as if that was the concern.
“There would be some in the jiaozi and the sauce of the jing jiang rou si." Luo Binghe gestures toward two of the dishes closest to his husband, ones that he always receives as if they are a treat, no matter how many times Luo Binghe makes them for him. At the motion, there is a sad little smile that appears on Shen Yuan's face.
"Then Jiang Ruobing will have to enjoy those ones for me, I’m afraid." He pushes the plates in Luo Binghe's direction and begins to provide an explanation before Luo Binghe can determine if there is a polite way to obtain one. "I can't have any gluten or it messes me up for at least a day or two. Don't want to bring that kind of energy to your visit."
"Shen Yuan has things he cannot eat?"
His Shizun scoffs a laugh, the kind of noise he's always made when there is a much larger story that he doesn't feel like going into at the time. "Ah, yes, for sure. I can't really have anything with gluten or strong dyes in them. Heavier meat is okay when it's just a little, but I try not to eat that too much either." He huffs a little again and smiles in a self-deprecating way. "No need for you to deprive yourself on my part, though. I would be happy for you to enjoy those things for me."
Luo Binghe had always noticed some of the mannerisms his husband displayed that indicated he may have, at one time, been quite sickly. Without-A-Cure had been one thing, but there were comments he would make about food or rest or pain or treatments or medication that always hinted at previous experience with chronic concerns. This, then, might have been what he was thinking of all those times. Luo Binghe tries not to be too frustrated with himself, because there was no way he could have known this before this moment. But, then, at the same time, what kind of husband is he, to not know the diet of his most beloved person? What if he had accidentally poisoned his Shizun somehow, without even knowing it?
"Begging Shen Yuan's pardon, but would he be willing to tell this lowly one more about the foods that might cause him harm? This one would do much to avoid making such a mistake again."
"You'll be here for a while if you want me to explain it all." Another warning, another quiet, self-loathing smile. His Shizun clearly does not expect Luo Binghe to be interested in this topic, which is going to be a surprise for him, since there is nothing Luo Binghe enjoys more than activities which allow him to both know more about his husband and do a better job taking care of him.
"Anything Shen Yuan is willing to say, this lowly one would be honored to hear." A faint blush again, but still likely in response to the flattery rather than any awareness of devotion or flirtation. Even so, Luo Binghe is able to coax out more information from his Shizun over the next half hour or so, particularly once he has taken a bite of one of the dishes and realized just what kind of delicacies Luo Binghe has on offer. Shen Yuan talks and Luo Binghe listens with every particle of his body, doing everything he can to commit each piece of this to memory. He will not make the same mistake again.
After their meal, Shen Yuan seems to hover in the awkward in-between of not knowing whether Luo Binghe is supposed to leave, or if he wants to invite him to stay. Technically, Luo Binghe brough the food with him, they ate the food, and now they're done. Shizun is clearly feeling a little guilty though, about eating the gift Luo Binghe brought and then immediately sending him on his way. Luo Binghe is doing absolutely nothing to help the situation, and is, in fact, actively making it harder for his dear husband, by continuing to sit at the table and smile guilelessly, as if he is not picking up on any of the subtle feelers Shen Yuan is sending out.
"What was Shen Yuan doing, before this one so rudely interrupted?"
His husband grimaces shame-facedly, the way he always does when someone asks him a question like this, and the true answer is that he has been reading some awful novel that his husband searched high and low to discover for him. His eyes dart toward the square in the other area of this room, so reminiscent of the floating blue box of the System, but stationary. Luo Binghe has seen these things all over this strange world, and it seems they are able to portray visual information from far away.
The one in his Shizun's room seems to be relatively static, showing an image of a forest, greyed out and overlaid with several images of text and information. When Luo Binghe continues to wait patiently, Shizun gestures sort of vaguely in that direction and smiles self-depreciatingly.
"Oh, you know. Mostly just Witcher 3 today." He clears his throat.
"I do not know." Luo Binghe tilts his head again, in that way that his Shizun has always loved, and he watches with growing anticipation as one of his hands twitches just a little before stilling. "Who is Witcher 3?"
"You haven't?" Shen Yuan pauses, searching Luo Binghe's face to see if he is teasing or lying. The good news is that Luo Binghe is telling the complete truth. He has no idea what Witcher 3 is. He likely would have asked this exact same question in the exact same way no matter what, though. He opens his eyes wide, lets his smile turn eager and endeared. He is his husband's precious little white sheep, harmless and curious and ready to learn about something new. "Oh, well, I'm not trying to spend another day telling you about something I'm obsessed with. You don't want to hear about this."
"Please," Luo Binghe lets his bottom lip just out just a little bit. Just enough that it's probably an accident. "I want to hear about everything that interests you. Shen Yuan is one of the most fascinating speakers and best teachers I have ever encountered."
Shen Yuan rears back a little, the blush that had faded over the past meal coming back hard and fast. Good. He's had a long enough break. It is not difficult to make his husband talk about the things that he loves, when he is met with an eager and willing student.
"Ah ha ha," he scratches the back of his head, pulls at the loose-fitting shirt that he is wearing. Luo Binghe might have used every piece of his willpower to avoid letting his eyes linger on the exposed skin of his wrists and arms, if this had been the day before. Today, he sees no reason to pretend as if he wants anything less that to do whatever this man asks and several things he would never think to ask. His husband is certainly not yet at a place where that explanation will even enter into his mind. Luo Binghe does not have to worry about getting ahead of himself. "Well, I could explain it to you?" He gestures again in the direction of the box, and Luo Binghe perks up, jumping eagerly to his feet and not allowing even a second for his Shizun to doubt his offer or take it back.
Shizun guides him over to the incredibly clean and plush sofa and Luo Binghe settles in quite a bit closer than would be appropriate in his world. From the people he has observed here, this is too close here as well.
And then, over the next few hours, his wonderful husband tells him another story. This time, he speaks of a fierce warrior who travels the realm and fights terrifying monsters. He speaks quite in depth about the monsters. He also speaks in depth about the many women who flock to this character, Geralt, and all the ways that he has gained and lost his power and reputation over the course of his unnaturally long life. Shen Yuan speaks in general terms at first, but he becomes too enthusiastic in his discussion of the various monsters and reaches into his pocket to bring out another, smaller glowing box which he uses to show various pictures.
He displays the most interesting monsters. Luo Binghe can't help but strategize about how he himself would attack such a creature, and his Shizun is happy to interject and praise and correct. After the monsters, though, he begins going into more detail about the history of this Geralt. Luo Binghe is put in a situation where he must rapidly come to the realization that his husband has what he and Shang-shishu would refer to as a "type."
This Geralt has long hair, though his seems to be frequently unwashed and quite greasy and dirty. Not the sort of hair his Shizun would want to pat or play with. He is a strong and unmatched fighter, but Luo Binghe has seen the monsters he faces. He would be able to beat Geralt in a fight. He would have no defense against his blood parasites, Xin Mo, the combination of demonic and spiritual qi that has proven effective against a thousand foes before him. This Geralt is some hybrid outcast that many use for his strength and then discard. Shen Yuan makes it very clear just how "cool" he thinks that is.
Luo Binghe knows what sort of man and what sort of husband he is. He knows that he gets jealous easily. It is something his husband pretends to be bothered by but is actually quite fond of. When Luo Binghe gets sticky and whiny and possessive, his beloved Shizun is quick to hold him close, reassure him, show with his body just how much he belongs to Luo Binghe. Now, though, with his Shizun's memory being what it is, he can't do any of that. Worst of all, he can see that light in his husband's eyes, the way that he lingers on pictures of this Geralt. It speaks of the kind of ashamed attraction that he has learned to pick up on over the years, from the many times a similar expression was directed his way.
This Geralt is just a character in what his husband has referred to as a "video game." But, then, Luo Binghe is just a character in a book, as far as his husband is aware. So maybe Luo Binghe will have to keep an eye out for this strong man with long, white hair. Just in case.
He can come to terms with the fact that he is jealous of a character in a story. He has never pretended to be the precious white lotus his husband thinks he is. Well, that's not quite right. He has most certainly pretended to be that white lotus, but he has never once believed himself to be. He knows that he is possessive and that he has never been happy to have his Shizun's eyes or thoughts on anyone but him.
It is frustrating, to sit here on the same sofa as his most beloved person, and listen to him talk about another man that he is clearly interested in, all while knowing that he is unaware of the commitment he made to Luo Binghe.
It is not that difficult, though, to direct the conversation back to the monsters in this other world, and Luo Binghe will never tire of seeing this part of his husband, one that so few are ever granted the privilege of meeting.
The next hours pass like that. Shen Yuan talks and becomes more animated and forgets himself completely. He has no fan to hide behind, and Luo Binghe gets to learn how the same facial expressions fit onto a different face. When he finishes explaining everything through words and pictures, his husband takes a strangely shaped contraption and uses it to control the images on the glowing box. He continues to explain and narrate over every second and the sun slowly makes its way across the sky, outside those wide windows.
Luo Binghe would never bother to pay attention to something like the System, when his husband is in the room to take all of his attention. It seems as though the System does not like this fact, and so several hours into their interactions, a small floating box with just the number of his C-Points appears in the bottom corner of his vision.
They pass their day. His husband sits just a little too close to him and continues to talk. Luo Binghe basks in his presence, no matter what form it takes. And the numbers in the little box continue to go up.
*~*~*
Their time together that day does not end with a kiss. Neither, does it end with another walk home. Shen Yuan informs Luo Binghe, laughing a little shame-facedly, that the walk the day before had been a little ways outside of his normal mobility exercises. Luo Binghe takes a moment to reassess the activities of the day through this lens. On second glance, his husband had been much less active today, compared to the day before. Looking closer, Luo Binghe can see the telltale signs of his Shizun hiding pain. It's in the careful and intentional motion of every joint and limb. Luo Binghe resolves not to make a mistake like this again.
Their day together does not end with a kiss. Neither does the next one, nor the one after that. Luo Binghe knows better than to think for even a second that his husband will be so quick to realize that he is being courted. Even so, the days slide by with a sort of wonderful agony.
Luo Binghe doesn't know if he'll ever be able to put these days into words. How wonderful, to be allowed to meet your most important person in another world and find a way to learn them and fall in love with them all over again. How wonderful, to watch as they slowly grow fond of you in return, to watch the love slowly return to their eyes when they look at you.
And yet, how awful to be stuck in this strange and unfamiliar place. Luo Binghe is the kind of man who could adjust to any situation without difficulty. He has been kicked to the ground so many times, who would he be were he not able to drag himself back up out of the dirt? He knows how to survive on his own. When he married Shen Qingqiu, a peak lord and immortal cultivator, he had thought it would never again be necessary to find a way to survive on his own.
Well, that's not quite right. When you learn a lesson like that, so many times over, at such a young age, there is little you can do to escape it. Luo Binghe never truly stops preparing to have to survive and fend for himself in a world that is cruel and unfamiliar. He had always been prepared for this, in the back of his mind, guard never fully down. He had hoped that, now that he was married, it would mean that fear could slowly bury itself, until one day it might finally vanish. One year of marriage is not long enough for something like that.
The days slide by, and it's wonderful to know his husband in this new world and this new life. He wants to be able to tell someone what this has been like for him. He wants to see that joyful spark return to his Shizun's eye, when he opens the door to see Luo Binghe on the other side. And, when that spark finally does return, he wants nothing more than to run home and tell his husband of the wonderful thing he has accomplished this day.
Instead, when Luo Binghe "goes home," all he's really doing is slinking down the block and wedging himself deep in an alleyway, where it would be difficult to see him should someone pass by on the road. He does not want his Shizun to accidentally encounter him. Each morning Luo Binghe is able to use his qi to burn off any sweat or dirt on his skin. He has yet to discover a way to access any bathing facilities. He has stolen several more outfits, so that his husband will not start to question his repeated clothing, considering Shen Yuan arrives to every day with a new colorful shirt and loose pair of pants.
And they are spending every day together. That is one thing that Luo Binghe is quite proud to admit. He has worked hard to integrate himself into this version of his husband's life. Not as difficult to do, when he has spent every moment since his adolescence planning for how to do exactly that. He knows what it takes to gain a fond smile, and he knows how to read each line of his husband's face to see what it is he might desire next.
It is because he knows his husband so well, that he knows this pattern is not sustainable. The System continues to rack up points, making it clear in data Luo Binghe did not need that Shen Yuan is growing in his affection toward Luo Binghe. If left to his own devices, Shen Yuan would be content to live forever in this pattern. Luo Binghe might feel slightly guilty about pushing him beyond this, if he had not seen all the ways it made his husband happy as well. Over the past year, Shizun has made it clear that there are times when he wants Luo Binghe to push him.
This is not entirely selfless. Luo Binghe wants his husband back, as much as he is enjoying this smaller, softer version of him. He knows that his husband is growing in affection toward him, but affection alone does not seem to be what the System requires for their return to their home and the treatment of his amnesia.
Even so, there are weeks of Luo Binghe bringing every meal, home cooked, or more accurately, cooked in a stolen kitchen until he receives an invitation into Shen Yuan's home. Shared meals, shared walks, and shared time together in that small apartment. Luo Binghe does not understand much of this world, but there is no need to. He has all of the important things.
After these weeks, an alert pings on the floating blue screen of the System.
[Congratulations! User Luo Binghe has completed quest: Even in This World? by maximizing positive feelings that User Shen Yuan has toward him.]
[New quest: This New World Sucks. User Luo Binghe may earn C-Points through sexual pleasure provided to User Shen Yuan. Important: Success criteria for this mission require that User Luo Binghe provides oral sex to User Shen Yuan. Good luck!]
And that throws Luo Binghe for a little bit of a loop. He has no moral, sexual, or personal hang-ups over the idea of pleasuring his husband with his mouth. Certainly none. The only barrier, would be the simple fact that his husband does not seem to want it. Until now, that had been all that Luo Binghe needed to know in order to mark the topic as closed. He has learned from their first sexual encounters and does not intend to repeat such a mistake.
Luo Binghe has never been allowed to pleasure his Shizun with his mouth. Not even once, in the year since they finally worked out their communication and started to build a life together.
It wouldn't be a concern, if it were simply that he thought Shizun did not prefer sex that way. He is certainly a particular and exacting man, with clear and strong opinions on most things, even if he tries to hide them behind a thousand painted fans. Luo Binghe has learned how to notice every subtle twitch, every change in posture, and he would never want to do something that his husband would not want.
It doesn't matter that he fantasized about it so much, as a young disciple in the side room, quietly muffling his breaths into his arm while he pleasured himself in the small bed. He worked so hard to be accepted as the person who would serve his Shizun, in every way that he might desire, and he would imagine all the ways that could happen and evolve. Imagine one day sitting next to Shizun at the table over dinner and being called over to bend down and provide pleasure in one more way.
Luo Binghe has many, many extensive fantasies of the various ways that something like this might occur, and has only become more creative over the years.
Even so, Shizun was always a willing and eager participant, in these fantasies. Even the rougher ones.
So, if it was simply that this was not the way his husband preferred to receive pleasure in bed, then that would be the end of it.
Luo Binghe has learned how to notice every subtle twitch, every change in posture, that might indicate something that his husband would not want. He learned how to do it when he was still a new initiate, struggling desperately to figure out just what it was everyone else on the peak had figured out that he had not. Just what it was that made him so despicable to his peak lord, so that maybe he could stop doing it. And then, he learned it all over again, when he changed into his kind Shizun, and all his terrifying little mannerisms changed with him. This time, not to avoid rage, but rather to find out just what it would take for one more smile, one more head pat, one more soft gesture of warmth.
So, he knows when his Shizun is saying no because the thing being suggested is repulsive to him. He knows what it looks like when he is saying no so gently so as to not upset the overly fragile feelings of his endless admirers, even when he would rather spit than consider whatever they may be suggesting. And he knows what it looks like when his Shizun is saying no but what he's really saying is something more like please, Binghe, I can't admit how much I want this until you bully me into it.
That one is Luo Binghe's favorite.
Which is why it is so infuriating that the face his Shizun makes when Luo Binghe suggests one of his many childhood fantasies is none of these options. Instead, it seems to be some kind of horrified shock. Like it is completely unfathomable to Shizun that his devoted disciple might want to pleasure him in this way as well.
It seems, to Luo Binghe, a completely natural extension of their dynamic. Shizun is the kind of person who loves to be cossetted and pampered. He loves nothing more than to read a book, fanning himself lightly under the warm and comfortable rays of the sun while his adoring husband toils away in the kitchen and brings him snacks and tea and soft kisses pressed just to the crown of his forehead.
His husband loves nothing in the world more than being spoiled. How convenient, then, that Luo Binghe gains such joy and fulfillment from being the one to spoil him. There is no greater pleasure in Luo Binghe's life, after his childhood of endless deprivation and loss, after years in the Endless Abyss when he often had nothing to eat but his own limbs, after the years when Shizun was away and he had all the wealth he could want and no reason to use it. What more could he want than to have the ability to keep the person he loves near to him, meet their every whim, ensure that they want for nothing?
It seems like a natural extension of their dynamic. Shizun loves nothing more than to be pleasured and Luo Binghe loves nothing more than to bring his husband pleasure.
He would think that Shizun would enjoy it, to lie back and relax while his adoring husband worshiped him, brought him to climax with his clever mouth and careful hands. (Or, even more so - while Binghe is bringing up his husband's myriad and confusing sexual reservations - to allow his Binghe to undergo all the time-consuming discomfort and preparation so that he could take his pleasure from the clutch of Luo Binghe's body. Binghe would certainly enjoy it. Both. Either.)
But always, in this one way, his Shizun behaves as though Luo Binghe has said some terrible, taboo thing. Shocking and unthinkable. The sort of topic he will not even give enough thought to in order to discover whether or not he might want it.
Which is why this is such a concerning situation. The System has set such a thing as the necessary requirement in order to return memories. Luo Binghe is willing to at least have an intentional conversation about it, in the way his husband has always been so quick to avoid. Should he continue to report discomfort or displeasure at the idea, Luo Binghe will simply hunt down and torture the System until it agrees to return them without such unnecessary requirements.
At that thought, a bright and happy little blue screen appears in front of him again, providing cheerful encouragement and a hint toward how to achieve his goal. As if Luo Binghe does not know his own husband and is not aware of what will be necessary to complete this achievement. He closes the screen with barely a glance. If it is still so quick to respond to his thoughts in that direction, then he remains firm in his belief that it is possible to kill this System. He has only refrained from doing so due to his enjoyment in growing to know this alternate Shizun, and the fact that a clear path back to their home is laid out before him. As soon as this becomes any more convoluted or unattainable, he will set out to circumvent these ridiculous quests.
For this moment, though, there is something more interesting for Luo Binghe to focus on. "maximizing positive feelings that User Shen Yuan has toward him." He had known that his husband was growing fond of him again, but the idea that Luo Binghe can know that his husband feels as fond of him as he is capable of feeling. Despite it all, it's a heady feeling.
It also means that he has lost his last excuse as to why he has not told Shen Yuan the truth of his existence here. Up until now, Luo Binghe has been waiting until they had built a relationship strong enough that Shen Yuan would at least listen to what he has to say. In the best case scenario, he will simply believe him. But Luo Binghe at least needs him to be willing to listen.
His husband does not have the best track record in responding to stark revelations about hidden details of Luo Binghe's identity. Even if he may eventually change his tune, come around to understanding, his husband's first reaction to such information could easily be to lash out and push Luo Binghe away. He has been trying to make sure that their relationship was close enough that this would not be the automatic response. He has maybe been putting it off, and using the closeness of their relationship as an excuse.
Luo Binghe promised his Shizun that he would never let any more harm befall him. And yet, over and over again, he has failed in that promise. He is doing all that is within his power to fix it. It's selfish to hold back this detail, just because he would not know how to survive in this strange world if his husband were to cast him out.
Not true. He could survive. Luo Binghe knows how to survive anywhere. He's being selfish, because there is always a way that he could find to solve this problem, even if it means killing the System itself, but he instead holds himself back, just because he does not want to be alone again. And so, again, he is choosing his own happiness over the potential harm of his husband.
These revelations all occur while he is sitting on a couch next to Shen Yuan, distantly watching the drama that his husband has been so eager to show him. Luo Binghe is enjoying it, but there is so much space left in his brain with which to agonize over things like this. Enough space left to remind himself just how selfishly he is behaving.
"Shen-ge?" he says, because he tried calling him Shizun and Shen Yuan wasn't willing to let it happen. They arrived on this compromise just a day or two into their meeting in this world. It's overly-familiar, just as much in this world is. At first, it almost made Luo Binghe blush to say it. Now, he has noticed that Shen Yuan will often be the one who is blushing, when he says such things, and it's become much easier to say. "This Jiang Ruobing has something he would like to tell you."
Shen Yuan has been trying to dissuade him from speaking in such a formal way, but that has yet to happen, and will likely never occur. At the tone in Luo Binghe's voice, though, he can clearly see as Shen Yuan straightens up, leans forward to pause the drama, turns back to face him on the couch.
"Of course, Ruobing. You can tell me anything and I will listen."
How lovely, to be back in a world where his Shizun says such kind things to him. The same sort of kind words that he would use when Luo Binghe was a child too, before he threw him into the Endless Abyss anyway.
Selfish.
"This Jiang Ruobing is not who he has portrayed himself to be." Luo Binghe goes to pour out his whole story, but just that first sentence alone causes the System to flare up before him.
Unlike previous times, when it has arrived with a cheerful-sounding bloop and shared its words on an easily-dismissed blue screen, the System begins flashing a bright and blinding red. The screen is so large that it takes up the entirety of Luo Binghe's vision, blocking out even his view of his husband.
[Warning! Mission failure warning! User Luo Binghe must not disclose the existence of the System or his status as someone from another world to anyone else! Doing so will result in the loss of two thousand C-Points and his automatic deportation to his original world.]
The words remain there, flashing, as Luo Binghe feels a sudden, staggering, overwhelming rage rip through him. A level he has not felt since the destruction of Xin Mo. He knows he is on the edge of lashing out, of vicious and destructive violence.
He cannot do that. Not here and now, while his husband of this world sits before him with his uncalloused hands and a delicate constitution. The window of the System's screen will not close without him manually telling it to do so. He cannot focus long enough to give the command.
Luo Binghe is a demon. A Heavenly Demon. His blood runs hot in his veins and he has lived the last decade with one foot in the more violent culture of the Demonic Realm. He will not allow that to overtake him. Luo Binghe breathes in deep, holds it, pushes through the overwhelming pressure of the screen before him. He breathes the air out slow through jaw-clenched and volcanic fury. He closes the window.
Shen Yuan still sits on the couch before him. His Shizun. His beloved husband, unable to remember anything about his Binghe. Unable to understand what Luo Binghe might be feeling at this moment. Unable to provide the same kind of soothing words and touches that he would, were he to remember his place at Luo Binghe's side.
He looks worried, a furrow between his thicker brows and a hand outstretched onto the couch between them. Luo Binghe has worried him, and he cannot even explain why.
He will force it down. He cannot do this now. This is not what will return his husband to him, and that is the goal here. Luo Binghe forces his face to relax, none of the fury showing. He smiles a loose and calm smile into the face of his husband's worry.
"Apologies, Shen-ge. This Jiang Ruobing was simply overcome with worry for a moment." The tension and release as Shen Yuan initially doubts the explanation before buckling under the trust he holds for Luo Binghe. Buckling under the lies and manipulation. "If Shen-ge is still willing to listen, this one would still like to share his thoughts."
Another lie. He cannot say what he was planning to, but there are so many secrets between them, and the System is only the largest.
It may be wrong, to try and seduce his husband under such false pretenses as this, but there is no option for telling the truth beyond the loss of him entirely, and Luo Binghe is willing to cross every boundary he has to avoid that outcome. If this is the way in which he is able to regain his husband, then this is how it will happen.
Luo Binghe glances down, blinks slowly in a way that he knows emphasizes the length of his eyelashes. His blood moves as he wills it to, and he wills it to flood his cheeks in a high flush. When he glances back up toward Shen Yuan with wide eyes, it is obvious that this is having the impact he intended. Shen Yuan stares at Luo Binghe open-mouthed and with a matching flush on his own cheeks.
"This one only means to say that he admires Shen-ge very much. Shen-ge has been so welcoming and kind to this Jiang Ruobing, and this Jiang Ruobing would like to be a part of his life for as long as Shen-ge would allow, as a boyfriend or a spouse or a friend." The only way to confess to his husband is to remove any possible room for misinterpretation. Luo Binghe allows a little bit of fang to peek out the corner of his mouth and worry at his lips, as if in nervousness.
"Jiang Ruobing!" Shen Yuan gasps the name as if any of this should be a surprise to him. His eyes are locked onto the place where Luo Binghe's tooth is showing, and he pauses to lick his lips before continuing. "That's, I mean, huh. I never would have thought that someone like you would be interested in men." This is not a surprise to hear only because Luo Binghe's husband has said such things to him before. Luo Binghe accepted long ago that his husband has some internal rule system for who he expects Luo Binghe and others to be attracted to, and it is rarely anything close to accurate. He never worked to correct this because, if Shen Qingqiu suddenly gained the ability to notice when someone is romantically interested in him, Luo Binghe's life would become significantly more complicated.
"This one hopes he has not made Shen-ge uncomfortable with his feelings." This is a lie. Luo Binghe knows that he has made his husband uncomfortable. It happens any time anyone takes the time to speak of genuine emotions. He also knows, after a year of marriage and a decade of shared life before that, that it is impossible to progress in a relationship with Shizun if one is unwilling to make him somewhat uncomfortable. This is another reason why Shen Qingqiu has yet to become aware of his many admirers. Also, Luo Binghe knows what his husband looks like when he is attracted to someone. He knows what it looks like when his husband wants him. Shen Yuan has been looking at him in such a way for weeks now.
"Oh, no, it's okay. I'm an ally and stuff." Luo Binghe nods as if this is a word that he understands. He certainly understands the tone. "Just, you know, I'm straight. So, it's cool and shit, but I don't really feel that way about you." This does not bother Luo Binghe, because he knows that his husband finds him attractive. He also knows that his husband has always struggled to come to terms with this attraction. It wasn't until Luo Binghe came to this world and saw how they might treat attraction to other men that he started to understand part of why that might be.
"This one thanks Shen-ge for being so kind to listen to this lowly one's confession, despite his lack of attraction. This lowly Jiang Ruobing is simply thankful to be in Shen-ge's presence, however he will have this one." Luo Binghe's dear husband sighs in relief, thinking that this conversation is over and that he has escaped unscathed. This is because he has forgotten his history getting to know Luo Binghe. "This one only hopes-" Luo Binghe lets a hitch in his breathing cut off his words for a moment. He calls tears to his eyes, effortless as breathing. "This one only hopes that his dearest person will not send him away now."
It is a delicate balance, navigating the endless invisible barriers and hangups that prevent anyone from reaching the part of his Shizun that is willing to be loved and touched and desired. It takes years to master. Luo Binghe has put in those years. Now, for him, it is not effortless, but his muscle memory can easily take him through the steps.
"Oh, no, Jiang Ruobing." Shen Yuan's soft hands flutter helplessly in the air around Luo Binghe. He ducks his head, as if embarrassed about this display of tears, calling more blood to his face as he does so. The bright red of embarrassment. "No, it's okay. We can still be friends and hang out every day and stuff. Nothing has to change about this friendship. It's, shit, please stop crying."
Shen Yuan's hand finally crosses that invisible boundary that has existed between them in this world, reaching out to pat gently at Luo Binghe's bent head, settling in among his curls. Luo Binghe manages not to curl into the warmth of it, only barely, because then Shen Yuan would take it away and he can't stand to lose it so soon. Despite the lie of some of this, he truly has been desperate to feel his husband's touch in any form over the past two months. This whole process is a show, only in that Luo Binghe is intentionally letting some of the upset that he carries with him show externally. His Shizun always knows when he's exaggerating, and it has never stopped him from showing his endless care and love, so Luo Binghe has never bothered to get out of the habit.
"I'm sorry," Luo Binghe whimpers. "This one will stop crying. It is only that this one has wanted so badly to kiss his Shen-ge, just once. But this one understands. He will not bring this up again." Luo Binghe huffs out one more shaking breath, stops the flow of his tears, raises his eyes back to his husband without wiping his face. He takes one more breath and forces out a smile with a lip that is trembling just a little.
"Hush, hush," Shen Yuan murmurs, reaching out to wipe away the tears that have smeared across Luo Binghe's face. The pads of his thumbs are so soft and smooth, and the gentle brush against his cheeks brings Luo Binghe back to the first time his Shizun was so kind to him after he cried, when Luo Binghe was still newly 14 and ashamed to show such weakness, before his Shizun reassured him that he never needed to hide his tears again.
It only lasts a second, before Shen Yuan seems to notice what he is doing, at which point he jumps back to reinstate the distance between them, rubs his hand against his pants, and clears his throat stiffly. "Ah, that's, sorry about that."
"This one did not mind."
"Right, of course, yeah, sorry about that." Shen Yuan clears his throat again. Luo Binghe allows the silence to stretch thick and heavy in the room. He can see Shen Yuan fidgeting a little, in the way that he always does when he's being made to sit in an emotionally vulnerable conversation.
Finally, when the silence is becoming almost painful, Luo Binghe takes one more deep breath and glances off to the side. "This one apologizes for bringing it up." He gets to his feet. As he stands from the couch, Shen Yuan's fingers twitch in his direction, as if to grab him and keep him from walking away. Good. It is still just as he thought it was. "Please allow this one to make dinner for Shen-ge, as a way to make up for any discomfort this one may have caused." That helps his husband relax, just a little, knowing that Luo Binghe is not about to leave the house entirely.
Luo Binghe makes his way to the kitchen. These past few weeks, he and Shen Yuan have created something of a routine. Usually, in their home world, his Shizun will work on creating lesson plans and evaluating field reports from the students back on Qing Jing Peak, while Luo Binghe cooks dinner, and then they will eat together. It is peaceful and quiet, for them to both go about their respective duties and then share their thoughts afterward. In this world, however, Shen Yuan does not seem to have any such duties or responsibilities, and so a new routine has developed. Instead of working quietly and in tandem, Shen Yuan will often perch on some chair or counter and make idle conversation with Luo Binghe while he prepares their meal. It is something about this world that Luo Binghe has grown to treasure with every part of his heart.
Tonight, they do not follow that routine. Luo Binghe sets to work on several of Shen Yuan's favorite dishes, modifying them in ways he has already tested to make sure they do not include any of the foods he is unable to digest but still have a taste that is up to Luo Binghe's standards. Some are complicated dishes. Even with much of the preparation completed ahead of time, it will take almost an hour for Luo Binghe's competent hands to bring together. Luo Binghe works in silence and Shen Yuan remains in the other room, presumably sitting still on the couch where Luo Binghe left him.
Luo Binghe is not worried. His husband is the sort of man who needs time to adjust his thoughts to new information, especially when they include details about other people's feelings. Especially when it involves things like attraction. He has not always understood this, and it contributed to many of the complications between them when he emerged from the Abyss, as well as many frustrated nights when they were first married. His husband does not understand what someone is feeling unless they state it to him as directly and clearly as possible, sometimes multiple times. And then, his husband does not know what to do with that information unless he is given time to process it.
Poor Shizun. Everything Luo Binghe has ever learned about him suggests that he has never encountered a person who treats him in this specific way, allowing him to go through most of his life in blind denial and oblivious ignorance. It makes Luo Binghe furious, at times, to think that no one in his Shizun's life before him had ever taken the time to learn how to form a genuine connection with him. At the same time, however, and much louder than all that fury, is the jealous possessive pleasure, at the fact that no one else on earth has ever known his husband the way that Luo Binghe knows him.
He finishes with his cooking, chicken mei fun, a sliced tofu salad and honey lotus root with sticky rice. And eclectic combination, perhaps, but one that he has learned Shen Yuan is always delighted to see.
"Shen-ge," he calls, quietly, to not startle his Shizun from where he has likely completely descended into his own mind. "Dinner is ready, if you would still like to share a meal with this one."
The soft patter of Shen Yuan's slippers against the floors of his apartment, as he quietly makes his way over from the sitting room. Just that sound alone is enough to make Luo Binghe's heart turn over in his chest again. He loves him he loves him he loves him.
"Jiang Ruobing, ah, you didn't need to go through all this trouble," Shen Yuan mutters, but he still sits down eagerly at the table to join Luo Binghe, so he doesn't pay the protests much mind at all. He has been hearing similar things from his Shizun for years, at this point.
"This one loves nothing more than to cook a meal for his Shen-ge that he might enjoy," Luo Binghe demurs. His husband clearly starts to respond, but is blocked by some silly thought or another, because he opens his mouth, stutters, closes it, clears his throat, and begins to eat instead. Luo Binghe is more than happy to join him.
The silence persists, because Luo Binghe is letting it persist. It is generally his job to break through the awkward tension his husband will sometimes create, lost in his own thoughts. Luo Binghe isn't going to distract him, though, this time. He wants his husband to be having these thoughts.
Sure enough, they make it through almost the entire meal, before Shen Yuan clears his throat again. Luo Binghe wastes no time in snapping to attention. This is, after all, still his Shizun. Also, his Shizun had always enjoyed what an attentive student Luo Binghe can be. He is not above taking advantage of all of his prior knowledge, in a situation like this.
"Jiang Ruobing," he starts, then clears his throat, tries again, "you said earlier that all that you had wanted was to kiss me, just once." That high flush is back in his Shizun's cheeks and Luo Binghe wants to bite them until they stay reddened like that for days to come. Yes, that is exactly what he said. Yes, this is what he thought his most beloved husband may have been thinking about, alone in the other room.
"I did say that, Shen-ge. But I would never want to make you uncomfortable and will be sure to never bring it up again."
"Well, ah, well hold on for just a second. I didn't tell you you needed to never talk about it again."
"Shen-ge did not, but this Jiang Ruobing values this friendship as it stands, and has no desire to bring strain to it by making Shen-ge uncomfortable."
"Hush," Shen Yuan snaps, just a little. Luo Binghe can feel his blood responding to that fond, embarrassed, chiding tone. "Let me say this. Cause, see, I was thinking that kissing really is just the same, whether you're kissing a girl or a guy, as long as the guy doesn't have a beard or mustache or things." Oh, this is a fantastic excuse. Truly, Luo Binghe will never tire of seeing the intricacies his husband's mind will go through to allow himself to want the things he already wants. "It's really just lips, at that point."
"I suppose that is true, Shen-ge."
"Right, exactly. So, you know, a guy kissing another guy doesn't necessarily mean that he's gay. Or that he's attracted to men, just that kissing feels good and it feels the same either way." This is one of the most ridiculous things that Luo Binghe has ever heard, as someone who has only ever wanted to kiss one person and has, in fact, only ever kissed that one person.
"I had never thought of it like that, Shen-ge." His husband's face becomes just slightly more red every time he calls him Shen-ge, and it is something Luo Binghe will never forget.
"Right, well, no one is willing to talk about things like this. It takes a lot of security in your masculinity, and stuff. So. I'm not surprised you've never heard about it before."
"As Shen-ge says."
"So!" And here, his Shizun shifts a little skittishly. Luo Binghe is a wolf at the table, watching as a rabbit slowly explains to him just why it would be perfectly okay to crawl into his mouth. He uses every piece of his self-control to keep the hungry smile of a predator off of his face and nod like the little white sheep his husband likes to say he is. "If that's the case, then, ha, I don't see why it would be a problem for me to let you kiss me, just the once."
The rabbit is setting one dainty paw right on the edge of the wolf's maw, smiling calmly and easily while it does so. Luo Binghe holds himself so, so incredibly still.
"Shen-ge does not have to force himself, if he does not want this."
"Well," his husband sputters, "It's not necessarily that I want to kiss another man, but I don't mind kissing in general-" his husband has never kissed anyone before and Luo Binghe knows this for a fact, "and if it’s something my friend wants, then I don't know why it has to be a big deal or anything."
"As long as Shen-ge is sure that he would not be making himself uncomfortable for this Jiang Ruobing's sake," Luo Binghe hedges.
"Haven't I just said so?" He clicks his tongue and Luo Binghe loves him so incredibly much he will have to invent new languages just to capture it all. "Don't make me repeat myself."
"Of course. Sorry, Shen-ge." Luo Binghe ducks his head. There is a silence that stretches and pulls like taffy, now. "So, then, if Shen-ge is willing, may this Jiang Ruobing kiss him?"
"Not yet!" Ah, so he needs time to adjust to this idea as well, now. Luo Binghe can wait. He can hold so still. "With our dinner only halfway eaten? Are you trying to have all of this food go to waste?" Only until the end of dinner? Oh, Luo Binghe can easily wait that long.
"Sorry, Shen-ge. Forgive this one for being over-eager." Both of them are blushing now, only one of them intentionally.
"Eat your food."
"Yes, Shen-ge."
They finish their meal. It is silent again. Shen Yuan fidgets more and more as they draw closer to the end. Luo Binghe is going to ruin him.
First, though, he carefully carries the dishes back into the kitchen and begins to wash them. His husband drifts quietly after him, clearly still caught up in his head. Luo Binghe holds the dripping bowls out and Shen Yuan takes them to dry silently.
And then the dishes are done. There are no more convenient excuses to delay the kiss. Shen Yuan has an anxious, frantic energy to him now, as if he is thinking the exact same thing.
"If Shen-ge would allow it, this one would like to kiss him now." Luo Binghe has dried off his hands. Shen Yuan is still standing near the counter, and Luo Binghe takes a large step toward him, so that his back is pressed against the marble just so he can maintain the space between them.
"Shouldn't we move to the living room or something? Wouldn't that make more sense?" He has nervous, fluttering hands, and his eyes are darting, but there is no trace of true fear in his husband's face, nor is there any sign that he might flee.
"This Jiang Ruobing would like to kiss Shen-ge here, but of course Shen-ge can choose where he would be most comfortable."
"Ah, well, then. Ha. Haven't I told you you don't have to address me so formally?"
"This Jiang Ruobing cannot help but wonder if Shen-ge is trying to change the subject." Luo Binghe tilts his head to the side in curiosity, smiles gently and with a little bit of fang, glances up through his eyelashes.
"Ha," another strained laugh, but his eyes are lingering on Luo Binghe's teeth again. "Of course not. You can, you know, go ahead and everything."
Luo Binghe takes that final step forward, closing the space until there is only a breath between their bodies. Shen Yuan leans back over the counter just a little, but not out of Luo Binghe's reach. He moves slowly, hand in clear sight, so that Shen Yuan has every warning and chance to pull away. When he doesn't, Luo Binghe traces his too-sharp nails along the thin skin at his husband's temple, hungrily watches the resulting shiver, threads his fingers into the shockingly short hair that his husband has in this world.
"Thanking Shen-ge," he murmurs, and then he uses that touch on Shen Yuan's face to pull him in until their lips make contact.
When Luo Binghe had his first kiss, he was desperate and overeager and terrified and willing to do anything in the world to keep his Shizun by his side. It had been messy and full of teeth and likely painful. Now, though, he has over a year of learning how to kiss this very man in a way that he enjoys. Shen Yuan, on the other hand, does not remember ever having been kissed at all.
Luo Binghe wants to make it good. He knows how to make it good.
The kiss is soft but not chaste. He holds Shen Yuan's face like a soap bubble, guiding him into a good angle and pressing into the warmth of it. There is a tiny mmph noise from Shen Yuan, as he adjusts to the feel of it. Luo Binghe holds it there, for a moment, to allow him to settle before he deepens the kiss.
It starts with a smile, because he can't hold all his joy at this moment inside himself, pulling his lips into a new shape and opening his mouth a little. And then, now that his mouth is already a little open, Luo Binghe refocuses, alternating between sucking gently against his Shizun's lips and little kitten licks against the seam of his mouth. Another noise, this one in a slightly hungrier tone, and Luo Binghe can't help the way his hand tightens in Shen Yuan's hair, the way his other hand latches onto the plushness of his hip.
Shen Yuan's hands are smaller and softer than his husband's usually are, and one of them comes to rest tentatively on Luo Binghe's chest, where the soft fabric of his shirt gapes low over his collarbones. There is still a dampness there, the faint smell of soap, because they are standing in the kitchen together and just finished washing the dishes and it is suddenly so much that Luo Binghe can feel the tears, real this time, gathering in his eyes and choking him.
This is his husband. This is the husband that Luo Binghe has been missing for months now, finally showing some of that affection back. He doesn't deserve this, not with all the ways he has failed in his promise to keep him safe, but Luo Binghe wants to be near him all the same. He is always skin-hungry and starved for love, always craving touch with an intensity he doesn't think will ever truly go away. And finally, finally, finally here is his husband, loving him again. Kissing him again. The kiss does not stay light, though it never loses its gentleness. Luo Binghe would chew off his own arm rather than hurt his Shizun again.
The accumulation of all those weeks is yawning up withing Luo Binghe, and Shen Yuan is soft and pliant under his touch, and Luo Binghe cannot help but dive in further. He kisses him, adjusts their angle, kisses him deeper. Shen Yuan has opened his mouth to welcome him, now, and Luo Binghe has never the type to refuse an invitation such as that. He delves into his husband's mouth, tastes the meal that he just worked so hard to make for him.
Shen Yuan moves his tongue as well, touching back so tentatively and artlessly, and it's almost enough to knock Luo Binghe's legs out from under him. He leans in further, closes the space between their bodies, until they are pressed together head to toe and breathing in only each other. Shen Yuan keeps making those quiet noises, and at some point he has raised his hand into the mass of Luo Binghe's hair to tangle in among the curls. It's so much. It can't fit inside of Luo Binghe's chest. His arm is around Shen Yuan's back, pulling him in closer, an embrace along with the kiss.
It carries on for just a moment longer, Luo Binghe doing everything in his power to merge their two bodies into one. He could have kept going for hours more, taking advantage of the invitation to kiss Shen Yuan “just once,” but his husband has not learned the skill of keeping his breath while engaging in such activities, and he pulls away with a wild gasp.
And then Luo Binghe is left to be struck over the head with what his husband looks like in this body, when he has just been freshly ravished. Shen Yuan blushes easily, and that carries over here. There are two spots of pink high on his cheeks and his lips are red as fresh blood. His eyes are dazed and unfocused even as they slowly blink open and look in Luo Binghe's general direction.
It is too much. It's all too much, and Luo Binghe can't help but pull him in closer, by the grip on his waist and his back, pull him into an embrace and hide his own face in the short hair, just to take a moment to remember this feeling.
"Ha," Shen Yuan gasps, still out of breath from the way his chest his heaving against Luo Binghe's. "Well. Ha. I hope that was, you know, everything you were hoping for."
"Shen-ge could never fail to live up to all of this one's hopes." Luo Binghe can't help himself from nuzzling into Shen Yuan's hair a bit, feeling too-big and animal in this moment. There are still tears wet on his face, and he hopes Shen Yuan didn't see them. He doesn't have the ability to explain why this mattered so much to him. He doesn't want to scare him away. "This one hopes he did not make Shen-ge uncomfortable, in return."
"Jiang Ruobing shouldn't fish for compliments. You surely know that you are a good kisser." And maybe Luo Binghe preens a bit at that. He wasn't a good kisser for his husband, not very long ago. He dedicated himself as a student to become better.
"This one is glad to hear that Shen-ge enjoyed it."
"Okay, you can't keep talking to me so formally when you just did...that." Shizun's words are slightly strained, but he is making no moves at all to distance himself from where he and Luo Binghe are still pressed together. "I officially am not allowing it. It'd be too weird."
"This one simply desires to show his respect and care for Shen-ge."
"Yeah, but don't you feel weird about it? You're making me feel like a creep. I'm not going to let you kiss me again, if you keep addressing me like that."
Luo Binghe knows that he has been compared to a dog many times before. Even so, he cannot help but perk up as though he has just heard his name called.
"You would be willing to kiss me again?"
Shen Yuan snickers a little, where his nose is somewhat mashed against Luo Binghe's collarbone. "So it was that easy, to make you stop?"
"You are trying to distract me, but I will not be moved from this topic."
"You still pick words that sound like you're in a historical novel."
"Begging your forgiveness, but there is only so much I can change at once."
Shen Yuan grins, and if there is one thing that Luo Binghe enjoys about this face of his husband's, it is just how freely it shows his emotions. A smile like this, toothy and joyful, is something that would only show in the delicate light of the early morning, from one pillow to the other, and only when Luo Binghe is very very lucky. In this world, there are no fans to hide behind and, it seems, less pressure to present as a peerless, calm immortal master.
He still looks kind of hazy and well-kissed, though, and is still resting comfortably in Luo Binghe's grip. Luo Binghe is running his calculations into just how far he can push his luck, here.
"With this change, would you perhaps like to continue?" Luo Binghe cocks his head to the side, relishes in the resulting gentle brush of fingers through his hair. What a good idea this was. Finally, the touch of his husband's hands again.
"I mean, I don't know if we need to jump right back into it and stuff." Shen Yuan is sputtering, but Luo Binghe allows him to continue rambling. That's usually the best way to get to a desirable outcome. "Of course, every red-blooded man would enjoy some kissing. That's completely natural. I suppose you haven't had much time to go out and pursue women, or, I guess, men, if that's what your preference is, with the way we've spent pretty much every day together. I can't blame you for being a little bit pent up after something like that."
Luo Binghe smiles blandly and does nothing to deny the assumption.
"And you're younger than me too. I know that I can even get, a hem, I mean, look, I could see why this would be something someone your age might be interested in. Just as long as you understand that I’m not interested in men. Like, I don't want to accidentally send you the wrong message or hurt your feelings or anything."
"Shen-ge would not hurt this one's feelings, no matter how he decides to proceed in this relationship." Shen Yuan raises an eyebrow, and Luo Binghe grins apologetically at the slip back into overly-formal language. He cannot help himself. He was raised alongside a teacher who beamed with joy every time he presented himself in the most proper and upstanding way possible. How could he speak in any other way now?
"As long as you understand, it's fine, then. It's really normal for people to be friends-with-benefits and things. Some friends just kiss each other sometimes and it doesn't mean anything more than two normal people allowing themselves to meet their needs."
"Just as you say."
"So, I guess, it wouldn't be so bad if we did something like this again." Shen Yuan's cheeks are a furious red, and he can't make eye contact, but this is all that Luo Binghe has been waiting to hear.
"Is Shen-ge saying that he is willing to continue, then?" Luo Binghe can feel the leer starting to stretch across his face and, for the first time in weeks, he does nothing to stop it. Shen Yuan's eyes dip again, to the fangs, and Luo Binghe is making a note of that. He has always worked hard to keep himself as human and fluffy and innocent as possible, around his husband. That is, after all, when he showed the most affection toward him. His husband likes a fluffy little white sheep, that cocks its head to ask questions and smiles guilelessly in joy. Of course, he has been kind to welcome Luo Binghe back into his life and his bed, even following all the changes that have overtaken him, but it has never been easy for Shen Qingqiu to hide his joy and endearment when Luo Binghe shows himself a certain way.
That is part of why Shen Yuan's interest in the more demonic parts of him has been so intriguing. Yes, Luo Binghe keeps them hidden to the point of plausible deniability, but there is only so much he can do. His canines are pointed, his nails are pointed, his ears are pointed. All less so than they could be, but unavoidably so.
The first time they had spent several hours together in this world, watching a drama, Shen Yuan had reached out a cautious hand almost to touch Luo Binghe's ears, before pulling back.
It's funny, it almost looks like you have elf ears. He had flushed in embarrassment, and it had been too cute for Luo Binghe to bother with the panic of what he might mean by a comment like that.
That, and then the focus on his teeth, the shiver at the touch of his claws. There is something about this version of his husband that is quite happy to see the more demonic and threatening parts of Luo Binghe. He would ask about it, if he thought this version of his husband would have the memories to answer or if the other version of his husband would have the face to have such a conversation. As it is, Luo Binghe suspects this might be one of the mysteries that comes with loving someone like his Shizun.
His Shizun's eyes drop now to the fangs on display, and Luo Binghe smiles just that little bit wider, lets his nails press the sharp tips in where they touch Shen Yuan's hip. His husband has a very showy swallow, in this body, all exaggerated Adam's apple. He doesn't say yes, but he jerks the tiniest little nod and rolls his eyes in a sort of get on with it manner, and Luo Binghe has known him long enough to know the ringing endorsement that stands for. He wastes no more time, swooping in close and taking his husband's lips with joyous enthusiasm, now that he is even more secure in his welcome.
It goes on like that for almost an hour. His Shizun is perfectly virginal in this body, seemingly surprised by every new sensation and eager to chase after any new thing that he has learned feels good. Luo Binghe is eager to comply with his wishes. He will always give his husband what he asks for, and here is no different at all. They stand there in the kitchen, Shen Yuan grabbing tight to the collar of Luo Binghe's shirt with one hand and the other tugging a little at his hair in a way his clever husband has already discovered Luo Binghe enjoys.
Luo Binghe, tired of the novel strain in his neck that comes from a husband who is suddenly so much shorter than him, had reached behind him to lift with one hand and place him up on the kitchen counter several minutes ago. Shen Yuan had released a preciously adorable yelp at that, and then had gone back to their kissing with deep huffing gasps and a wet mouth that made Luo Binghe quite sure of his welcome between his spread thighs.
Husband, husband, husband
This is as close as Luo Binghe can get, in this world. This is the bare minimum, and it should be enough. If this was all he was allowed to have, he should learn to be content with that. He has, however, always been a starving animal. When that is such a large part of your childhood, it never really leaves, and he spent so much of his childhood fighting with the feral dogs and children on the street for a scrap of food, a scrap of attention, a scrap of opportunity.
He is a desperate, starving thing, and he has never learned to be satisfied with what he is offered. If he loves someone, he wants all of them, all they can offer. If the person he loves loses their memory of him, he wants all of it back, with the new knowledge added, not some halfway compromise.
But he will take it. That's part of being a starving, desperate, feral thing too. You take whatever is offered to you. You take all of it and you still want more but you don't leave a single scrap of it behind.
His husband, in this form, seems to enjoy a little bit more manhandling than he is used to getting away with, and Luo Binghe is willing to take that too, take everything offered. Shen Yuan has more fat to him than his Shizun did in his previous body, and it makes for two glorious handfuls when Luo Binghe grabs him off the counter and starts to walk them over to the couch. Shen Yuan yelps, sure, and slaps a bit at his arm in indignation, but he gets a handful of Luo Binghe's bicep and leans right back into the kiss, so he isn't too concerned about this beyond his husband's tendency to always protest anything that makes him happy.
He wants to devour him. He must hold himself back. This Shen Yuan does not know the lengths to which his husband can go, and Luo Binghe will not destroy this, as he destroyed the first sexual encounter between himself and his husband in the first world. As he complicated many of the ones following that, as well. He will do better. He will be gentle. He will listen and be responsive.
It is appreciated, clearly. For all that Shen Yuan has protested his lack of attraction, there is no denying the whining moan that falls from his lips into the space between their mouths, when Luo Binghe lays him out on the couch in the living room and drapes himself over him. He has moved his hands from Luo Binghe's hair and collar, one hand now around Luo Binghe's neck and holding him so close that it would be impossible to pull away, were he not many times stronger than Shen Yuan. Holding him so close that it is still impossible to pull away, if only because his husband has made it quite clear where he wants him to be. The other hand is slowly sliding from Luo Binghe's bicep, to his pectorals, to his abdominal muscles. The appreciative drag of soft fingers along the ridges of muscle, particularly in areas where it is difficult to deny the masculine features Luo Binghe possesses, does much to destroy the last remnants of his husband's arguments.
He pulls Luo Binghe down onto him and then, when Luo Binghe thinks he can't feel any more self-satisfied, he feels the gentle brush of his husband's foot along the back of his leg. It's tentative at first, before it properly winds its way around and latches on. The leg that was wedged between the back of the couch and their bodies has found a much more comfortable position for itself, wrapped around the back of Luo Binghe's thigh and bringing their bodies even more flush together.
Luo Binghe is a desperate, starving, feral thing. He takes what is offered to him. He cannot help the luxurious roll of his hips against the place where his husband could not more clearly be interested in their activities.
It startles another high, whining moan out of Shen Yuan's mouth, and he flushes red immediately, pulls away to stare at the ceiling, slaps a hand over his mouth. There will need to be some damage control, then, before they are able to continue.
"Do you have a third fucking leg, what the fuck is that?" Shen Yuan's voice is high and flustered and Luo Binghe knows that he is particularly well-endowed, particularly because his husband wastes no opportunity to mention it and complain about it. He huffs a small laugh against the exposed line of Shen Yuan's neck and nibbles at the delicate tendons there.
"This one thinks Shen-ge knows what he is feeling."
"Bro what the fuck. You cannot think that you are putting that fucking monster cock anywhere near me." Luo Binghe cannot help the full-bodied laugh that breaks out of him at that. It shakes his body atop Shen Yuan's, sets him to squirming away from the breath on his neck, and that is one more delicious discovery: that this body is ticklish. Luo Binghe licks a long stripe over the same area, just to feel the tremble course through his husband's body one more time, as well as to receive a slap that goes to the area within Shen Yuan's reach. This just happens to be his upper thigh, right near the crease of Luo Binghe's ass, and this does absolutely nothing to cool his ardor.
Even so, there is some truth to this. Luo Binghe knows that he hurt his Shizun. It was, actually, quite frustrating to be so well-endowed, at the beginning of their relationship, before he had learned how to properly prepare his husband. Before his husband had learned to relax and trust him and tell him when it hurt. Even beyond that first time, it had taken months before it had been properly good for both of them, and they still make mistakes.
This body is smaller. This body had no spiritual veins of qi. This body is not accustomed to taking Luo Binghe and, most importantly, is certainly not relaxed or particularly trusting in this moment. It would not be a good idea, to try anything close to putting it in, right now. Which does complicate things, a bit, because that tends to be the only sexual position his husband is regularly open to, and Luo Binghe is significantly less practiced in other options, outside of a lifetime of vivid imagination and dream control.
[Reminder: User Luo Binghe may earn C-Points though sexual pleasure provided to User Shen Yuan. Important: Success criteria for this mission require that User Luo Binghe provide oral sex to User Shen Yuan. Good luck!]
The System winks helpfully in the corner of his vision. Luo Binghe closes out of it and returns to the more important things before him.
"This Jiang Ruobing would never think to do something like that without his Shen-ge's invitation," Luo Binghe licks another stripe up the jutting tendon along his husband's neck, following with his teeth and savoring the shivers that result from it. "Shen-ge made it very clear that this was only kissing, and only between friends." Luo Binghe rolls his hips again, feels his husband's erection against his hip, pointing out the obvious interest Shen Yuan seems to have in progressing further. "Although, this lowly one cannot help but think that, if kissing is the same whether it is between two men or a man and a woman, then that should be true for kissing anywhere, should it not?"
"Huh?" gasps out Shen Yuan, where he has clearly lost focus on the conversation in his effort to lean his head far enough back that Luo Binghe can leave a line of bright hickies along his neck, while simultaneously trying to squirm enough that it relieves some of the desperation in his cock, all while trying to pretend as though this is accidental and something that is happening to him, rather than something he is an active participant in. Truly, his husband is a multitalented individual.
"This one merely said-" his words cut out, because Shen Yuan's effort to focus seems to have reminded him that he has requested that Luo Binghe not communicate in this register, and he slaps another reprimanding blow against Luo Binghe's thigh, leading to his hips jerking helplessly forward and a shudder running through him, head to toe. "Of course, of course. I merely wished to confirm my understanding of the terms of our encounter." Another roll of the hips, with delicious slowness, and the unquestionably positive reception of his dear husband's body.
"Right, right."
"I am happy to stop, if it would make it easier for you to follow this conversation," Luo Binghe sniggers, and he feels the offended huff travel up his husband's throat before he is given the gift of hearing it.
"Don't think so highly of yourself. I can do both at once. This is merely a casual kiss between friends."
"Of course, of course, of course," Luo Binghe murmurs, pressing a soft kiss to the underside of Shen Yuan's jaw in between each repetition. When he makes it to his chin, he bites it once, softly, before moving in to kiss him for another few minutes. "And a kiss does not necessarily need to be only on the lips?"
He can see the time it takes for his dearest beloved to refocus, remember the conversation they were having, and it is one of the greatest feelings in the world, to hold this man in his arms, bring him pleasure, drive him to distraction. "Right, it wouldn't really be different. Cause it's just lips and shit."
"Right." Luo Binghe cannot help his smile, the grinning pecks he smatters over Shen Yuan's face. "Just casual. Just lips. And it doesn't matter where."
"Right," Shen Yuan echoes, clearly more focused on finding a way to get Luo Binghe back to his lips properly. Luo Binghe smacks a few more pecks around the line of his brow before answering his husband's request, as he always has, as he always will, and pulling him back in for a toe-curling kiss, grabbing tight to his hip and pulling him in even closer, following the tightening grip of the leg around his thigh. He would crawl inside his Shizun's ribcage and live there, if he could. He would sew their skin together into some grotesque amalgamation of bodies, so that they would never not be touching again. He would swallow his Shizun whole, just to never not know where he is.
"So, then, if this one were to ask to kiss Shen Yuan elsewhere, he would not be opposed?"
"I just said, didn't I?" he snaps, cranky and beloved.
"Of course, of course, of course." Again, the kisses down the neck in between each repetition, but this time Luo Binghe does not stop at the neck, tugging Shen Yuan's shirt out of the way to latch his teeth onto his collarbone. Shen Yuan whimpers and squirms more aggressively, grabs at Luo Binghe's hair, but, notably, does not stop him. In fact, he seems to be holding him in place, to the point that Luo Binghe would be fighting against resistance, if he were to try to pull away. And, well, if this is his husband's request, then he is more than happy to grant it.
Luo Binghe contents himself with his husband's chest like the dog that he is, as though he has been handed a bone to gnaw on. There are marks all along where a gaudy necklace might sit and, after several minutes, he is even able to convince his husband to remove his shirt, exposing endless soft and plump skin for him to taste and nibble and suck.
His nipples are there and, based on his reactions to Luo Binghe going near them, would likely be quite sensitive. Luo Binghe knows better, though. This is a tentative balance, and his husband's hangups are the type to emerge suddenly and devastatingly, ending any encounter as they arise. The first time he attempted to taste his husband's nipples, it had led to a week-long conversation regarding whether that was something only women were meant to enjoy. Luo Binghe hadn't understood at the time, why it mattered whether or not this was something only women were meant to enjoy, as his husband clearly had enjoyed it, for the moment he allowed it to happen, and surely that was the deciding factor?
Luo Binghe does not want to stop this encounter for another week-long conversation. He does not want to have to wait another week to see his husband again, particularly when it seems as though they are headed in a direction that may result in his return today. So, even though it is clearly a lost opportunity, Luo Binghe steers clear of his husband's nipples, leaning down to teethe against the love handles that cause him to whimper and squirm.
"It would be okay, then, for this one to kiss you here?"
"Obviously, yes. Stop asking."
"This one merely wishes to be sure of his hu-, of his friend's comfort."
"It's just kissing."
"Right, of course." And Luo Binghe returns his focus to the task at hand, even as those words land with a strange pang against his heart. There is a trail of bristling hair leading from Shen Yuan's navel to the waistline of his pants. Luo Binghe buries his nose in it and takes several deep, huffing breaths, even as Shen Yuan laughs above him, apparently ticklish here as well. "And that would mean that Shen-ge would be comfortable, even if this Jiang Ruobing were to continue kissing lower? Even if he were to remove some of the barriers in his way?"
A part of Shen Yuan is clearly not at all opposed to this idea. The jut of his erection through the soft cotton of his pants is unmistakable, where it presses against the lower corner of Luo Binghe's jaw. There is a damp spot in the light grey fabric, where his excitement has already leaked through. Even so, there is a blatant pause in the stream of agonizedly pleased noises that have been emanating from his Shizun's mouth, so far above Luo Binghe's head already. His hands are still in Luo Binghe's hair, kneading and tugging, but every other muscle has frozen. Luo Binghe leans back, rising to sit back on his knees opposite Shen Yuan.
For a moment, he is allowed the glorious pleasure of surveying his disheveled husband where he is sprawled out, well-kissed and aroused, with his limbs all akimbo, before the thin face kicks in, and Shen Yuan sits to mirror Luo Binghe's position on the other side of the couch. His knee is cocked up beside him, though, in a clear attempt to disguise his erection. Luo Binghe makes no such effort himself, very aware that his cock is straining against the stiffer fabric of his own pants.
"You mean, ha," Shen Yuan clears his throat when it comes out all shot to gravel, tries again. "You mean, like-" he gestures toward his own crotch in what he clearly determines to be demonstrative enough without having to say the words. Ah, his beloved, thin-faced husband. If they were back in their world, he would make his dearest Shizun say the words out loud, tease him until he was red-faced and pouting and finally starting to say the things that he desires of his lover.
This is not his world. The man before him is his husband, yes, but his husband as if he had never met Luo Binghe in the first place. Never worked for a decade to figure out how they best interacted with each other, communicated with each other, built a life together.
And so he does not push his husband on this. Because he does not think his husband would be willing to take that leap of faith right now, trust that Luo Binghe would always be there to catch him, to meet his needs when he finally works up the nerve to ask for them. This is fine. This is what it will take for him to get his husband back.
Instead, Luo Binghe follows his husband's gesture down to where he is still trying to play off his obvious erection. He smiles salaciously and then, when that still seems to not properly convey the message, he licks his lips to make them wet and shiny, leaves his mouth just slightly open. "Shen-ge has made it clear that kissing is something that does not need to indicate sexual preference or attraction. It should stand to reason that, if kisses are kisses, then it does not matter where that is happening."
"Right, yes," Shen Yuan says, with a level of confidence that makes it quite clear he is faking it. "That is the perfectly logical extension of what we have already been doing."
"Then Shen-ge would not mind if this lowly one were to pleasure him with his mouth?" There it is, that lovely flush that the countenance of a peerless immortal would never allow, that starts at Shen Yuan's chest and travels in bright red splotches up until it covers his entire head. Luo Binghe can see now, with his shirt off, just how low that blush goes. What a shame, to be sitting in this position and unable to lick around the edges.
"You don't-, Ruobing, What are you-. What kind of man just volunteers for something like that?" That is not a no. That is so, so incredibly not a no, and Luo Binghe can work with that.
"This one has made it clear that he values Shen-ge above all others." No, that's not the approach to take. Not here, with this version of his husband. "That is, you said that friends will do things like this, casually, sometimes. I assumed that you would be comfortable with something like this too, but please tell me if that is not the case."
He has left the bait out. He does not know if his husband will take it. He has put it on the table, made it his own request, given him an easy out. All of this makes it easy for Shizun to say no if he wants but, more importantly, gives him the ability to say yes out of a desire to help Luo Binghe and not needing to bring his own desires anywhere near it. Were this something he wanted, like a home-cooked meal by Binghe's hand, then the trap would have already snapped closed.
This, on the other hand, is a little more unclear. His husband has never been open to this proposal before. There is something that prevents him from wanting to. If Luo Binghe had the impression that it was due to some unpleasant memory or deep fear, then he would have already killed the System for even suggesting it and also would have found and hunted down whoever it was who dared to make his Shizun afraid.
It seems to, for the most part, be a preference. More than that, it has all the markings of another one of his Shizun's sexual hangups, similar to his reaction to having Luo Binghe lick his nipples, or pick him up during sex, or refer to himself as a "wife." So, this is not a brick wall, rather a potentially permeable barrier. Luo Binghe will never again hurt his husband during sex, or push past his genuine boundaries, but he will ask about things, and he will proceed if his husband indicates that he is consenting.
"I mean," Shen Yuan scoffs, and Luo Binghe would do well to focus on this conversation rather than get lost in his own thoughts about a husband who is not here. This is what it will take to get his husband back so, as long as Shen Yuan is willing, this is what is going to happen. There is nothing else to it. "I mean, yes, that is exactly what I was saying."
"Unless, of course, this would make you uncomfortable. Or if you would not want to go that far."
"What is this?" Shen Yuan snaps, and it is looking more and more like this will be happening today. This is more than Luo Binghe ever thought he would accomplish, walking through that door this afternoon. "I might as well be asking if you are comfortable! Are you trying to imply that I wouldn't be experienced with things like this?" He is not experienced with things like this. He has told Luo Binghe this before. "If I tell you that this is something casual friends do, then this is something casual friends do."
"As Shen-ge says."
"Don't talk like that." There is a fraught pause, and Luo Binghe is about to try diving back in, as it were, when Shen Yuan clears his throat again in an uncomfortable way. "But, you know, I know I said it earlier and everything," another long pause, "but, you know, I mean. This is casual. Because I'm straight and everything. So, you know, if you are uncomfortable with this, we also don't have to do anything."
How sweet, of his husband, to try and look after his feelings like this. As if there would ever be a time when Luo Binghe would not want to have sex with him. He smiles with the kind of feral, desperate hunger that he hopes conveys everything he is holding back for the sake of his husband's thin face. "I am, of course, willing as long as Shen-ge is as well."
"Well." Shen Yuan coughs, looks to the side, holds his leg in a little tighter to his body, stares up at the ceiling. He's so inexperienced and cute. Luo Binghe is going to ruin him for anyone else, and then he's going to have his husband back, and he won't have to worry about anyone else anyway. "Well, then, you know. I guess we can get on with it, then."
And that is all that Luo Binghe's self-control can take, actually. With the invitation, he practically lunges back across the couch, into his Shizun's space, kissing him and kissing him and kissing him. This is not what he thought it would be. This is not what he thought would happen when he arrived here today. This is not what he thought his husband would say, when he made the offer. This is not what he thought Shizun would say, when told of his husband's feelings.
It will be okay, of course. All he needs to do is pleasure his husband in this way. The way that he has fantasized about since he was nothing more than a young cultivator, sleeping in the woodshed, still overcome by what it looked like the first time he saw a genuine smile on his Shizun's face. The first time he saw him disrobed and tied up.
He kisses him, kisses him, kisses him. And Shen Yuan is still so clearly new to all of this. Has never kissed anyone before and especially not like this, not for this long, with this much intensity and anticipation. Luo Binghe is happy to show him, happy to help him discover what parts of this body are sensitive, happy to help him become more confident in his own actions and touches.
Luo Binghe kisses him, laughs for a moment into the space between their mouths, kisses his way back down again, nipping at chin, at neck, at collarbone. The flush is still there, and he takes his time dragging his tongue along the border, savoring it all the more for how long he had to look at it without being able to do this. His husband's stomach in this body is soft and plush, and Luo Binghe takes a playful bite of it as he passes. Shen Yuan yelps, the skin jumps away from Luo Binghe's teeth, and he is giggling. Ticklish. The wonders never cease. Luo Binghe breathes out against the skin, making a terrible raspberry noise, and Shen Yuan is laughing, laughing, slapping playfully at the top of his head, and this is so good. It's so good, and he seems so happy and comfortable with it, all things considered, and why haven't they done this together yet? What has been stopping his husband, that does not stop Shen Yuan?
No matter. No matter and no answer available at this point in time. Not until Luo Binghe proceeds with this until its natural conclusion.
He kisses further down Shen Yuan's stomach, stopping to laugh, stopping to give his husband time to thread his fingers into his hair. Shen Yuan is sputtering a little in discomfort, the way his husband does when he is unsure what to do with himself in a situation and is trying desperately to pretend as though that is not the case. That's okay. Luo Binghe doesn't know what he's doing either. He's never actually had the chance to do this before, beyond his extensive imaginings and the several not-at-all-shameful-and-actually-very-practical times he might have practiced with a daikon in his youth. Shen Yuan has done it once or twice to him, and that was certainly quite pleasurable, no matter what he did. So, there is no reason to be nervous about this. Surely no matter what he does, it will be good for his Shizun.
Luo Binghe has never been anything less than an unambiguous teacher's pet and try-hard, for as long as he has known his Shizun. No one would argue with that. Is it so strange, then, to want to excel here as well?
Still, there is no way to improve without doing, as he has already applied himself thoroughly to every bit of technical study he has available to him.
Luo Binghe slides off the couch and situates himself comfortably on his knees. It is already unbearably erotic, actually, to be in a position of such obvious subservience and worship. The heat that lances through Luo Binghe's stomach, just from this view, so close and still needing to look up, is a reassurance. The interest is undeniably there. The desire is staggering. All he must do now is be so incredibly careful to take his time, not allowing for his passion and excitement to override the comfort of his partner. It is the thing that ruined his technique for so long, in the beginning.
"Where, ah," his husband hesitates, "where do you want my hands?"
"Shen-ge can-" Shen Yuan tugs harshly against a lock of Luo Binghe's hair in warning, as soon as he hears the tone and term of address, and Luo Binghe cannot help the whimper that wrenches out from him. Kneeling like this, preparing to serve his husband, having him tug his hair and instruct him on just what to say, Luo Binghe is vibrating with how much he is enjoying it. There is something buzzing and shifting under his skin. "Apologies. You can hold my hair, or pull it if you want. You can do whatever you want to me and I would be happy to take it."
Shen Yuan seems almost struck across the face with those words, sitting back against the couch with eyes blown wide. He does not, notably, look the way he does when he is about to call everything off and run away. It's for this reason that, rather than jumping into apologies and explanation, Luo Binghe tilts his head to the side and smiles at him with sunny innocence.
"Don't. Don't say something like that."
"It is important to communicate about what feels good and what does not. Is there anything that Shen-ge - ah - that you would like from me as well?"
"I don't have, like, anything in particular. Just, you know, go ahead with it, I guess? If you're still good?" Shen Yuan squirms a little awkwardly, and Luo Binghe cannot help but lean forward and take another sharp bite of his side, just to hear the way he yelps and jumps away. See? It's fine. This is Shen Yuan, and this is Luo Binghe, and this is his husband, even if he doesn't know it right now, and this is going to be fine. This is how he gets his husband back. This is what needs to happen.
Luo Binghe slides his hands down from where they grabbed at Shen Yuan for the bite. He presses his nose into the inner close warmth of his thigh and snuffles there for a second, reveling in the fact that he gets to have this, even if it is nothing like what he would have thought it would be.
Shen Yuan is holding himself as still as possible, but after Luo Binghe has lingered there for a second, his hands drift down to his hair like gently falling leaves in the autumn. Luo Binghe wants to encourage this behavior, so he leans hard into the touch and revels in the firmer pressure that comes as a result. When Shizun has wrapped his fingers deep into the roots of Luo Binghe's hair, hasn't used the grip to push him away, Luo Binghe begins his work.
"Have dreamed about this for so long, so long Shizun," he gasps, and maybe it was a slip-up to use that name, but Shen Yuan seems suitably distracted by the movement of Luo Binghe's hands. Some of the trousers in this world are hellishly complicated and difficult to get in and out of. Luo Binghe has learned how to do and undo those fastenings because he has found that he is particularly eye-catching to Shen Yuan when he has a few more straps, buttons, belts, and the like. Thankfully, his ever-wise husband tends to wear softer pants that fasten closed with a simple tie, similar to the underrobes that Luo Binghe has been wearing his whole life. It is a simple matter to pull the threads loose and luxuriate in the strangled whimper that his husband makes in response.
These pants do not open at the front, conveniently, the way that so many other pants in this world do, which means that, once Luo Binghe has undone the drawstring, he must reach around to Shen Yuan's lower back, reach his hands into the waistband of the pants and the underclothes beneath them, and lift just enough to create space for him to pull it through and out. Shen Yuan tries to make a secret of his reaction, but there is no disguising the noise that he makes when Luo Binghe uses the strength of his biceps alone, while kneeling on the floor, to lift the entirety of Shen Yuan's body, merely through a firm grip on his ass. His hands tighten viciously in shock at the base of Luo Binghe's curls, where they meet the back of his neck, and it sends such a glorious shower of shimmering sparks down his spine that he cannot help but falter for a moment before continuing. Luo Binghe would be lying if he said that he didn't allow for that sound to go directly to his ego and feed it in a way that it has been lacking for these past few months.
And then, well, then there is very little stopping Luo Binghe from pulling Shen Yuan's pants down the rest of the way, loosening them from his ass and sliding them down his legs, allowing his cock to spring free, still very clearly and eagerly interested in all current proceedings. Luo Binghe, suddenly overwhelmed with the fact that this is happening, that he is sitting here, about to pleasure his husband like this, about to get his husband back, has to take a moment to bury his face in the soft creamy skin of Shizun's exposed thigh. Just a moment, to get it all back together. To come to terms with the fact that this is how this will be happening for the first time, rather than with the person that he worked so hard to build up trust and intimacy with.
Just casual. Just a thing between friends. And that's fine, because that's how his husband had to justify everything that brought him pleasure, back when they were first figuring out their relationship together. It's the mask his husband still hides behind, at times, but always with the willingness for Luo Binghe to reach out and pluck it from his face.
There are, mortifyingly, tears gathering at the corners of Luo Binghe's eyes, and he'll be damned if the first time he tries to pleasure his husband this way begins with him crying all over his cock. He does not have time for this breakdown, because he is minutes away from solving this entire problem, anyway, and also because the one person that he would want to talk to about something like this is not available to him right now. There is nowhere to go but forward, and that is where Luo Binghe will be going. It is fine, that Shen Yuan says that this is simply a casual encounter between friends, because Luo Binghe knows better than to take his husband's words about things like this at face value. He gathers it all back inside, presses down the tears, commands his blood and body to take them away.
"Uh, Ruobing?" Shen Yuan seems to be kneading at his head again, rather than pulling the hair. "Is, uh, everything, like, okay? Down there?"
"Of course," he purrs, because this is what needs to happen, and he's happy to be here. This is what he has wanted for years. "Everything is perfectly fine, Shen-ge. This one was simply overcome by Shen-ge's beauty and required a moment to recover."
The flush grows deeper, spreads further, but Shen Yuan is still sitting on this couch, with his legs spread apart, completely unclothed, with Luo Binghe kneeling before him. There is no way for him to pretend as though he does not have a vested interest in these proceedings. No fan for him to hide behind in this world.
"Ha, well, okay."
And then, well, the soft fat that gathers in his inner thigh is right there, and Luo Binghe is already down here, and there's nothing against leaving a love bite, where no one will ever see it. Luo Binghe sets his teeth to worry against the delicate, pale skin and feels the way that Shen Yuan is already suddenly wound tight as a bowstring, bending over his head and pulling his hair even if it is without conscious thought. Luo Binghe purrs, somewhere deep in his throat, at the sensation and feels the trembling that shudders through Shen Yuan as a result.
He is so sweet, and so soft, in this body. And, most importantly, still his husband. The same as how Luo Binghe loved his Shizun in the mushroom body. The same as how he would love his husband, if some terrible accident were to occur and he were to lose his memory of Binghe forever. Of course, it is difficult to reach out for the well-established patterns of fondness and support that he has built over a decade with his Shizun and to instead be met with empty air. That is painful. But, most importantly, that does not mean that the soul that composes his Shizun is gone, and he must never forget to be thankful for that.
Even though his husband may not be in a position where he would be willing to marry him again, that does not mean that he would never reach a place like that. Surely, this alone is indication enough, the fact that he is currently allowing Luo Binghe here, between his legs.
Luo Binghe can feel the beautiful, glorious flush of his husband's soft skin between his teeth, the increasing warmth that comes with a rush of blood to the surface. He bites into it in the same way that he might bite into a fresh breast of chicken, when he had still been a starving child in the depths of the Endless Abyss. There is the same hunger here, the same animal instinct to burrow in with fangs and gnaw.
When he pulls away, there is a string of five bright red love bites lining the skin of each of Shen Yuan's inner thighs, and he has started to breathe with a sort of rasp on the end of each exhale, alternating between pulling tight at Luo Binghe's hair and smoothing his hands over where he must imagine there to be stinging pain.
And even if his husband does not remember him, at least there is this, the blatant mark of Luo Binghe's presence here. No one else would be able to see his husband like this without knowing that someone had been there first. Without knowing that, even if Shen Yuan does not remember it, there is someone who has laid a claim on him. The idea is so satisfying that he cannot help but run his tongue over them one more time, worry one of them between his teeth, pulling a high whine out of Shen Yuan's throat.
"It would seem that you are still comfortable, then, unless something has changed that this one is not aware of." Shen Yuan does not deign to respond to that with words, huffing in indignation and pushing uselessly at Luo Binghe's head. He lets it move him a little bit anyway, just enough for him to roll away and then roll back, pressing the teeth of his smile into the ravaged skin of Shen Yuan's thigh. "If that is the case, then this one would quite enjoy the opportunity to continue."
"Ah, yes, well. You, if you must."
"Thanking Shen-ge," he murmurs, and then there is nothing standing between himself and the main event. Shen Yuan's hands are still in his hair, right where Luo Binghe asked for them to be, and they move with him as he leans forward.
Shen Yuan's dick is a perfect size for the size of his body, perhaps a little bigger than one would expect, honestly, considering how small and compact the rest of him is. It strains red and wanting up toward his abdomen, canting toward the left slightly. Luo Binghe has a large mouth. He is able to open wide, and he had worked hard as a young disciple, with the aforementioned daikon, to learn how to swallow around something like this without choking and without needing to come up for air all the time.
He wraps one hand around the base of his husband's cock, confident in this motion from practice, though not with this body, and even that is enough. Shen Yuan lets out a long, wandering groan, and leans his head to flop against the back of the couch. His hands are loose in Binghe's curls, and what a wonder, to know that Shen Yuan is so responsive in this, so much more so than the body of Shen Qingqiu. Luo Binghe has a grip on it, and the tip is red and winking over the top of the wrap of his large hand, and there's really nothing more to do than to give it a welcoming little lick, just to get an idea of what this might taste like.
"Ha!" Shen Yuan shouts, in a sort of giggle-yell, and that's as good a sign as any to keep going. The taste is bitter and musky, but that was to be expected, and it is his husband, so of course Luo Binghe will be honored to take it into himself, no matter what the taste is. Besides, there is something about the huffing breath, the animal physicality of this, that has him trembling like a leaf. It's so much. It's so much to be here, right now, doing this, kneeling before his husband and letting him take his pleasure while Luo Binghe is nothing more than a servant to it.
The tug of hands in his hair is what grounds him, what holds him here, in this moment. It's an aching sting, a sharp counterpoint to all the wonderous thoughts in his head, and Luo Binghe is here. He's here, and he's holding Shen Yuan in his hand. He is here and he is pleasuring his husband, and there is nothing else that needs his attention right now.
The world narrows. The sounds of the room, of the city, grow quiet. There is only this moment, here, with Shen Yuan. Luo Binghe laves several wet kisses over the tip of his husband's cock before sucking it into his mouth like tanghulu, swirling his tongue across the top. Shen Yuan is groaning, whimpering, his voice travelling up and down the registers of several octaves. He's forgotten his strength, and there is nothing he could do to hurt Luo Binghe, but he has been pulling at the mass of Luo Binghe's black curls with what seems to be all of his might, pulling him in toward the crux of his thighs, ever tighter.
If that is not a welcome, then Luo Binghe does not know what else is.
He learned this much from watching his husband, actually, the few times that he tried to provide a similar service to Luo Binghe. Cocks are not easy to fit in one's mouth, without any kind of lubricant, and there is very little of that along the shaft, unless one is willing to be quite diligent with their spit and tongue.
Luo Binghe has always been a diligent student.
It is no different here. He kisses a teasing hello along the shaft of Shen Yuan's pillar, laves little kitten licks behind him, moving all the way down to nose at the hair curling around the base. He sucks one stone into his mouth, suckling at that too, rolling it behind his lips, and Shen Yuan has thrown his head back again, wrapped his hands around behind the back of Luo Binghe's head, as if to hold him in closer, bring him nearer to the center of his body.
Luo Binghe, more sure of his welcome than ever, moves to pay close attention to the other, and then kisses his way back up until he can press one peck to the winking tip of the head.
"Ruobing, Ruobing," Shen Yuan gasps, and Luo Binghe pretends it’s his name instead, his real name, and not some strange pretense he doesn't know how to break. It's fine. This is how he gets his husband back. This is what his husband is willing to offer him right now. He's still shaking. "Shitting fuuuuucking god-damn hell," Shen Yuan adds, very elegantly, as Luo Binghe decides he has been patient enough and fits the entirety of the head of his cock into his mouth. Another swirling lick of his tongue, because Shen Yuan had seemed to enjoy the pressure against the spongy tip, and the increase in pitch and volume indicates that this is still the case.
He slides down, the way slicked and somewhat tacky from his attentions earlier, but there is still a need to ease his way now, with careful application of lips and tongue. Luo Binghe is up to the job, as Shen Yuan's cock presses against the hard palate of his mouth, then further back, until it is brushing the back of his throat.
It has been several years since Luo Binghe has practiced something like this, but he was a motivated student, alone with his daikon, and he has control over his blood, his bodily functions. He will not choke at this.
And indeed, he does not.
“Ruobing, Ruobing," Shen Yuan is still gasping, rocking his head back and forth along the back of the couch cushion. Luo Binghe takes this as positive feedback, focuses in on the task, focuses on the warmth and lust in his husband's voice, and not the fact that it's still the wrong name. Not the fact that he can't stop shaking, just a little. "Fuck, ha, yeah, good boy." He sort of sighs out those last words, and there is no way for Luo Binghe to respond, with the fact that his mouth is somewhat occupied at this point in time.
And that, oh. Luo Binghe has known that he enjoys being praised in bed. He enjoys praise from his Shizun at any time of day, really, no matter the activity. He enjoys knowing that he is doing well, that his husband is pleased, that he continues to meet or exceed expectations. He has always enjoyed that.
Something about this, though, the way that his knees are aching against the hardwood floor, the way that he remains fully clothed while his Shizun is sprawled and flushed and indolent, the way that his own pleasure has been entirely neglected for that of his husband's. That, paired with the praise, knocks something a little bit loose in the connection between Luo Binghe's head and his body. Suddenly, it does not matter what his Shizun calls him, what the specifics of the situation are.
Luo Binghe is on his knees. He is working to pleasure his husband, and he is a good boy.
The tingling outside-himself feeling spreads like sparks from all his extremities into the very center of him, and Luo Binghe is nothing more than a vessel for his Shizun's pleasure. How could he ever desire to be anything but that?
He frees his hands from where they have been bracing the base of Shen Yuan's cock, reaches back to where Shen Yuan's hands are clasped at the back of his neck. Luo Binghe holds his hands over top of Shen Yuan's, unwilling to free his own mouth long enough to explain, and presses with his fingers until Shen Yuan has grasped on even tighter, until the strands of Luo Binghe's hair are held like a leash. Like a choke chain on a misbehaving and unpredictable dog.
He presses, hard, against that grip, using it to force his own head forward, and Shen Yuan swears again, under his breath, as the pressure makes his mouth bob on his dick. Luo Binghe hums at the deep satisfaction that wells up in him, just at the suggestion of this kind of guidance, and it triggers some kind of beautiful chain reaction. Shen Yuan's leg jerks up, spasms a little in shock at the feeling of Luo Binghe humming around him. It ends up thrown over Luo Binghe's shoulder, the knee right at the curve of his neck, another point of leverage. This staggered shift draws Luo Binghe closer again, and he cannot help but moan around Shen Yuan's cock, imagining what it is they must look like. The simple disciple, kneeling to pleasure his most beloved person, while that person pulls him forward, uses his mouth to take what he wants in the haze of his own pleasure.
That moan has Shen Yuan's hips jerking, reflex, and his hands pull tighter, and Luo Binghe feels as the head of his husband's cock, which had been pressed at the back of his mouth, shoves all the rest of the way in, past any resistance, until it is pressed into the back of his throat. Luo Binghe's nose is pressed tight to the scratchy curls of his Shizun's pubic hair, huffing deep breaths of the musk and sweat there, when he is able to snatch a bit of oxygen between thrusts.
"Wait, shit, Ruobing, pause a second."
Luo Binghe pauses, because he is a good boy, and he will always listen to his Shizun. Luo Binghe does not pull away, though, and simply allows his husband's pulsing erection to sit hard and throbbing against his tongue.
"We need to, fuck," a small, helpless thrust of his hips, back into the back of Luo Binghe's throat before pulling out to leak against his tongue. "We need to talk about, like, safe words, and shit. What if, ha, what if you need to stop, or something."
Luo Binghe still does not pull away. He has his husband warm and safe in his mouth, after years of wanting this, and there is no indication that he has stopped enjoying or wanting this, and so Luo Binghe is not going to pull away. He does, however, take the time to look up and make eye contact, which is enough for Shen Yuan's pupils to blow that much wider and to coax another swear out under his breath. When Luo Binghe is sure that he has Shen Yuan's attention, he reaches up to slowly gather a pinch of the soft flesh of his inner thigh between his fingers and twist. Shen Yuan yelps a little, in shock more than pain, and his cock twitches against Luo Binghe's tongue.
"Oh, yeah, okay, sure, I guess that works."
And that's all that Luo Binghe needs to hear. He lowers his hands back down, allows them to twist behind his back and out of the way. The haze that he had peeked out from under settles fully back over his mind, and he refocuses on the task at hand.
It is easy, now, to swallow around Shen Yuan's cock, bring it deep. He has practiced for this moment. He has spent his whole life preparing to be the perfect vessel for his husband's pleasure. And here, now, finally, he can do that. He can be the good boy that his husband wants him to be. He can kneel and service his husband however he sees fit to take from Luo Binghe.
Shen Yuan had paused, drawn himself out of the fugue of it, but it is not hard to draw him back in. Luo Binghe is discovering the mechanics of this, the best way to maintain lubrication, the best way to maintain a rhythm as he pulls away on Shizun's pull back, maintains suction, swallows him back down and deep on the return, lets him bury himself as deep as he wants to go, move Luo Binghe's mouth wherever he sees fit, fuck into him until he is nothing more than a hole to be filled.
"Good, good, good, it's so good, Jiang Ruobing," Shen Yuan gasps, and that's enough. That's good. The taste of him is growing more bitter. His rhythm is turning jagged, and it is clear that he is close to his climax. This is good. This is what Luo Binghe is for. He can keep doing this. He is doing so good.
Shen Yuan's climax, when it arrives, seems to surprise him. There is no word of warning, not that Luo Binghe would ever do something ridiculous like pull away, in a moment like this. Instead, Shen Yuan seems to almost flinch forward, his hips pistoning to fuck into the back of Luo Binghe's throat one, two, three times, and then there is a pulse of tacky fluid, salty and bitter and barely tasted with how far back he is buried in Luo Binghe's throat. He releases one long, wandering ahhh that breaks in multiple places. Shen Yuan curls forward, wrapping his arms and legs and body all around where Luo Binghe's head is buried, until there is not a single part of him not held and squeezed.
Luo Binghe is good. He's a good boy. He did this, brought his Shizun pleasure with his mouth alone, and his own arousal is such a distant second to the buzzing peace that has come with this. He waits there, suckling, allowing his beloved to ride out the aftershocks of his orgasm across his tongue with little, shivering thrusts, until he has truly taken all that he might want from his Binghe.
[Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Important things must be repeated three times! User Luo Binghe has completed quest This New World Sucks. Current C-Points: 1252. Memories will be restored to User Shen Yuan, Bound Role Shen Qingqiu at this time.]
Luo Binghe startles a little at the sudden appearance of the bright blue box before his eyes, when he had eliminated the automatic information it provides several weeks ago. He doesn't even take the time to read it, head as empty as it is right now, simply waving at the air to make it go away and be something he can deal with later.
This matters more, more than any ridiculous celebration the System seems to be trying to throw. Shen Yuan is pushing away a little bit, at Luo Binghe's head, and he pulls off with a sense of bereavement.
"Ha, well, yeah man, that was pretty fucking, uh, um, ha-" Shen Yuan's tone of casual dismissal fades out into some kind of disorganized confusion, before his voice fades out entirely. There is a moment of silence, just a single moment, where Binghe continues to kneel before him and wait for further guidance and instruction, before he hears that beloved voice again, this time with a sound of panicked shock. "Binghe?!?"
And, suddenly, the world is slamming back into Luo Binghe's full awareness, with all the color and sound and feeling returning to him in a rush.
"Shizun?" he asks cautiously, and his voice comes out rough and raspy, ruined from his previous activities. Doesn't matter, couldn't matter less, shizunshizunshizun.
"Binghe, what on earth is-" but he doesn't have time to finish the sentence, because Luo Binghe is scrambling up his body, off his knees, throwing himself at his husband, slamming their mouths together and breathing deep at the way that his Shizun, despite the confusion and disorientation, relaxes immediately into it, kissing back and reaching up to hold Luo Binghe back the way that he always has. There are tears streaming down his face, and he can feel them, can taste them, even, as they catch at the place where their lips join. There is a sob building in his throat, juddering against the parts of him that are rubbed raw by friction, and he would never regret something like that with his husband but it's different now, it's all different now because his husband is back he came back to him and Luo Binghe is going to rip open his chest and crawl inside his ribcage so he can never leave him ever again.
"Binghe," his husband tries to ask, but Luo Binghe is not done kissing him in welcome yet. He presses into the words, swallows them down, keeps kissing, and his husband accepts the intrusion, allows the indignity with nothing more than a quiet chuckle between their mouths, kisses him back again. It is his husband, back, because Shen Yuan had never responded to him like this. Like he was welcome and comfortable and eager to touch.
"Shizun," Luo Binghe murmurs, mouth still pressed against his husband's while he says it.
"Yes, husband?" The brightest point in the universe says.
"Shizun," he says again, still pressed against him, using both arms and all his strength to pull him even closer.
"Yes, husband?" The only one that matters laughs.
"Shizun," he can barely manage to get the word out, caught and wrapped up as it is with all the sobs that are ripping through him.
"Yes, husband," his most desperately beloved coaxes, pulling gently at Luo Binghe's hair, just so that he is far enough away to show his face and the tears that decorate it. Shen Qingqiu shushes him gently, thumbing the tears away with the same motions that have comforted Luo Binghe since he was nothing more than a young adolescent, learning what it was to want someone like this.
When Luo Binghe does not stop crying immediately, when it becomes clear to his Shizun that these are not the same as the tears that he will bring out at the drop of a hat, Shen Qingqiu clicks his tongue in the warmest chastisement and pulls him back in. He tugs Luo Binghe down until his head is resting against his husband's breast and he has draped all of his larger body weight over top of him, on the couch again.
"This husband is assuming that his lord would not allow them to pass their time in such a way, if there were some pressing danger." Luo Binghe doesn't bother to respond, which his husband seems to take as a confirmation, because he hums to himself after a moment and taps his fingers in a gentle pattern against the nape of his neck. When Luo Binghe does nothing more than nuzzle in a little closer, Shen Qingqiu begins a gentle scratch with the tips of his fingers.
The press of his still-exposed skin is so lovely and soft and warm. Luo Binghe could live in this moment, right here and now, and never emerge again. He feels that way about almost any moment, when he is with his husband. And, thanking every good thing in the world, his husband simply holds him in silence for an uncountable length of time, stroking through his hair and scratching at his scalp while he waits for Luo Binghe to stop holding him quite so tightly, for the tears and weeping to stutter to a quiet halt. When that finally happens, he does not try to pull Luo Binghe back, but allows him to stay there, pressed close, while he starts the conversation.
"This one remembers, now, all that has happened in these past few weeks. It was disorientation from suddenly remembering everything that caused this one to be confused, for a moment." And that's a relief, because Luo Binghe would not know how to put any of this into words, if his Shizun did not remember. "I am going to assume, though, that there were many parts of the story I was missing, considering the fact that you and I are here at all."
"Shizun vanished," Luo Binghe grumbles, because that was the start of this all, and also is an accurate summary, in some ways, of the last two months completely. "What could this husband do but follow him to wherever he may have gone?"
"Yes, and what a lovely job my husband did, finding me in this world as well as every other." There is a soft kiss laid at the point of his forehead where his hairline begins, and more tears leak from the corners of his eyes at such a familiar touch. "But this one still wonders how it was either of us came to be in this world in the first place."
"Shizun vanished from his very bed, from within his husband's arms, in this lowly one's inner castle. When his husband awoke, he was frantic and searched day and night for his lost love. When even that proved fruitless, there was-" and here Luo Binghe pauses, starts to pick around his words carefully. The System has already made it quite clear what would happen if he were to reveal it, and he is unwilling to lose his chance at bringing his husband home safely, now that they are so close to regaining everything that was lost. "An entity appeared to this lord and offered him the opportunity to try and recover both his husband and his husband's memories."
"An entity?" His husband, for all that he appears to be a face-changer and all that he can be spoilt and lazy and a thousand other wonderful things, has never been a bad fit for the scholar's peak. Shen Qingqiu is relentlessly curious, especially in the face of an unfinished story or a mystery with missing pieces. His husband, when set before something nonsensical, is scathing in his critique and relentless in his pursuit of knowledge. It is one of the infinite things that Luo Binghe loves most about him, and he can see the spark of it enter Shen Qingqiu's eye now. "What entity has the power to travel between dimensions like this?"
"This lord would imagine it to be the same sort of entity that would allow his husband to travel between worlds previously. Unless this is not the case?" He pauses there and watches the inspiration light behind his husband's eyes.
"When I returned to this world-" and his husband pauses even here, seeming hesitant to confirm that much of Luo Binghe's theory. As if waiting for some kind of consequence to strike from above. When it does not, he exhales a shaky breath and continues, each word chosen with care and precision. "I did not make the choice to do so, unless this is the only memory that continues to elude my grasp. It sounds, though, as though this one's husband did not have a similar experience."
They sit in silence for a moment, and there is clearly something large hanging in the air between them. Luo Binghe has not seen his husband afraid in years, not since the times when he was still fleeing from Luo Binghe himself. Perhaps he was afraid at Maigu Ridge as well, but Luo Binghe's memories of that time are red-tinged and hazy. He has not seen his husband afraid in many years, and it sits differently on this version of his face, so it takes this long for Luo Binghe to realize that is indeed what he is seeing. Something here, something in the topic of conversation, is scaring his husband enough to be this hesitant. It makes Luo Binghe want to rip the world to shreds until that expression leaves his face.
"Would this...entity still have access to my husband, even in this world?" Careful, careful, his husband is being so careful right now. Luo Binghe is going to kill whatever made his husband look like this. As soon as he obtains all the information his husband is willing to bestow upon him.
Luo Binghe is hesitant to answer back, now, catching his husband's caution like a virus, and staggeringly aware of that earlier warning, that revealing the System would result in his immediate return to his universe, without his husband or his husband's memories. Has that changed since he completed his "mission"?
"This lowly one would assume that, should an Entity have the power to travel between realms, it may also have the power to observe the one that it sent, in this other world." He waits for the screen to appear again, flashing and red and too close to his face. When it does not, he finds himself more tense rather than less so. His husband's eyes are shrewd and focused on every minute twitch in his expression. Are they speaking of the same thing? Does his Shizun know of the System? It would presumably be so, given that it seems to frequently refer to Shen Yuan as a "user" and indicates extensive knowledge of both faces he has used.
"This teacher wonders, if he and his husband are speaking of the same entity, whether it may be safer to delay conversation until they are returned to their home." He can see the effort it takes, for Shizun to say something like this, rather than continuing to chase down the information and solve the mystery immediately. "Unless, of course, Binghe believes there to be some danger to following that plan, or has information this teacher does not."
"Shizun is wise," Luo Binghe murmurs, and Shizun scoffs, making a motion to hide behind a fan that he is not holding in this world. Luo Binghe takes advantage of the fact that his face is not covered, that this body of his blushes so much easier than the other, and leans in to steal another kiss from his lips.
And then his husband's body turns to stone beneath his hands. Luo Binghe feels himself snap to attention, watching for the threat. When the room around them remains still, his qi flares out to sense nothing, his blood mites find no sign of threat, he is able to relax smug in the knowledge that there is nothing more causing them danger than the rising blush on his husband's face.
"Binghe, where are my clothes?" If he thinks the sudden, stern tone he has taken on is going to discourage his husband, then the sudden predatory smile and the twitch of his cock against his hip will hopefully dissuade him of that notion quickly enough for Luo Binghe to take some liberties. "You ridiculous man, where did you put my shirt!" Shen Yuan's smaller body starts to wiggle beneath Luo Binghe's bulk, trying to look around and see where Luo Binghe ended up throwing the shirt (it went over the counter and into the kitchen. There's no way he'll be able to see it from here). Luo Binghe makes himself as heavy as possible and gives exactly no effort toward helping.
"This lowly one will be happy to help his husband find his clothes. Or, if his husband would prefer, this one could join his husband so that he will not feel uncomfortable." Shizun slaps a little at the bulk of Luo Binghe's bicep, a fond reprimand, and there is nothing Luo Binghe can do to disguise the way this, too, makes his erection twitch.
Shizun gives up after a few more squirms, flops his head back onto the couch and allows Luo Binghe to kiss a reverent trail down the tendon in his neck.
"This husband," he starts, and then stops himself, and this is when Luo Binghe knows it is important to listen. He continues with his soft pecks, drawing a necklace of them on his love. His husband is more wont to speak when there are no eyes on him, when he does not feel as though someone is waiting on him. "Before this husband regained his memories-" Another pause. Binghe presses a smile into the crook between his beloved's shoulder and neck and nuzzles in, blowing lightly over the places he has kissed. "That is, ah, it seems as though Binghe was very intent on engaging in certain...activities. That we have not done before."
"This Binghe loves any activity with his husband."
"Hush." A gentle rap on his head. "What I mean to say is, this one did not know his husband...desired such things. Before." His husband is naked and in a strange body in a strange world. His husband does not find conversation or vulnerability to be a simple thing. Luo Binghe sits back up, reaches down to the floor to hand Shen Qingqiu his underthings, makes his way to the kitchen to retrieve the shirt.
When Shizun sees what he is doing, he rolls his eyes in exasperation, a mannerism that Luo Binghe has only come to see and understand in this world, but he quickly takes the articles of clothing and dons them, seeming much more settled once he has done so. Luo Binghe's own arousal is flagging. While he has always been the type to easily return to that place, it is clear that this is not the moment for such things. When Luo Binghe returns to the couch, he leans against the opposite side and opens his arms. Shen Qingqiu puts up a nominal fight and resistance, but is soon laying atop Binghe instead, with his husband's arms wrapped around him and his face hidden from view, nestled in at Luo Binghe's neck. He can still feel the hot flush of embarrassment against his skin. This form is so much more prone to blushing. So much smaller. He could wrap him up and hold him with one arm, Binghe thinks. What a precious thing, to hold every single thing that matters within his arms.
"This Binghe hopes that his husband knows that he desires any and every thing his husband is willing to give to him." The flush grows hotter, but no sound of resistance comes. "While it is true, that he has desired such things as that before, his husband did not seem to share such desires."
"Well," sputters Shen Yuan, "this husband has always thought that Binghe would prefer to be the one, ah, in charge, as it were." He is hiding his face, not looking, barely able to get the words out. The obvious difficulty his husband is having is the only reason that Luo Binghe does not react in a more extreme manner.
"This husband often wonders where it is that Shizun finds such ideas." He does not pressure Shen Yuan to show his face, but nuzzles his nose in among the short hair that he can reach. "This husband loves nothing more than to take care of his most beloved person, in whatever way that person may want. If my Shizun would enjoy being looked after in such a way, how could this one do anything but thank him for the opportunity?"
Silence reigns for minutes after, and Luo Binghe resigns himself to the conversation stopping there. It was already far outside his husband's usual comfort zone. And then, into the silence, he hears his husband speaking with even more care than when he was trying to avoid the wrath of some great being that may be listening in.
"In that book. That book, Proud Immortal Demon Way."
"Ah. Yes, husband spoke of this book at length."
"Hush. In that book. The Luo Binghe of that world. He never. He was always the one in charge. When he was. Yeah." That is all of the information that Shizun seems willing to provide at this time, but it is more than enough for Luo Binghe to begin putting the pieces together. This other version of him, with 3,000 wives and no idea of what it is he is missing. Yes, he does sound like the kind of man who would be unwilling to serve another. There is no room for pity or empathy, not when Luo Binghe is almost certain that he has met this other version of himself. And did not like what he found.
"It seems that this other version of me may have influenced my husband in many ways, over the years." He cannot bring himself to make the statement into a question. There are things, ideas, suspicions that have been growing in the back of his mind since that first day, when Shen Yuan was so eager to recount the plot of that horrible novel. Ideas about the Endless Abyss. About his husband's fear of him. About the way he ran. The way he always seemed to know what things to avoid doing. There are things in this world that, when Luo Binghe comes across them, they send him back to the abyss or the years before his kind Shizun arrived. He has issued edicts in the demon realm to avoid having to come across such things.
He has never once had to tell Shizun to avoid things that make the same sort of sharp cracking noise that a whip makes against soft flesh. He has never had to ask his husband to make a sound when he approaches from behind, so as to not catch Luo Binghe off guard. He is starting to suspect that this is not only because their hearts sing the same song, but perhaps because his husband knew of these parts of him long before they even came to be.
"This husband also could not help but notice that Shen Yuan seemed to very much enjoy learning more about the adventures of this other version of me." He cannot help the teasing tone, and can feel the subsequent burrowing of his husband closer into his neck. This is safer. He can tease, here, about this. While his husband may be embarrassed about his previous interest, this is not the same kind of ripped-open vulnerability that they have been engaging in. "From the decoration in this place, this one may assume that Shen Yuan had quite the appreciation indeed, particularly for this one's physical form."
"He was an interesting character!" Shen Yuan wails. "He had potential! Just because I was interested in him as a character, it does not mean I was attracted to him!"
"Is my husband saying but he is not attracted to this Binghe?" Luo Binghe allows his voice to tremble, a tear to rise to his eyes. "And here I thought I had finally come across the proof that my husband appreciates me in the same way I do him."
And then, well, there's a little bit of a terrible thought. Because Luo Binghe looks almost the same as that other version. Except for the parts where that other version is more willing to wear his demonic traits proudly. Except for the parts where he smiles with blood spattered across his face and bloodlust in his eyes. Except for all the parts where he doesn't look like this Luo Binghe at all.
He doesn't say a word, and yet, Shizun still seems somehow able to tell, when it has shifted from light-hearted teasing to yet another one of his husband's insecurities.
"I only liked him as a character. I was never attracted to him or anything." Shizun mumbles the word into Luo Binghe's chest. He's clearly trying to help, but it's not having the effect that he might think. That's the tone of voice that his husband uses when he is claiming to not be attracted to someone he is attracted to. Luo Binghe has dedicated much of his life to being able to identify this particular tone. He cannot bring himself to agree, and the silence where his acquiescence would usually fall is glaring. "You can't be jealous of an alternate reality version of yourself. That doesn't make any sense."
"I think Shizun will find that this one can."
"You've already met that version of you. I have too. And. Well. I chose you, didn't I?"
It would be mere scraps in some relationships, perhaps. But Luo Binghe doesn't care about any of those other relationships. He knows his husband. He knows what incredible vulnerability it took for him to say something like that. Luo Binghe cuddles him closer and presses three quick smacking kisses to the top of his head.
"Shizun likes this version of me better?"
"Who's fishing for compliments now?"
"Even so, if he could say it just this once."
"This is the version of you that your husband married, is it not? I have met that other version as well."
There is a balloon of warmth growing in Luo Binghe's rib cage. This joy, this love that he worried he might never get to feel again in quite this way. He loves his husband with every single piece of himself. He’d tear himself apart to find new pieces to offer, if he thought that his husband would accept them.
"If that's the case, then perhaps husband will not assume that this version of his disciple wants the same things as that other, terrible version."
"Perhaps," Shen Qingqiu pauses, clears his throat, tries to start again. "Perhaps this husband could work harder to ask what it is his own husband would want. Making assumptions based on that terrible book has never seemed to work."
"Husband can always ask for the things he wants as well. This one will always listen to what it is his husband has to say."
"Ah, my face may be too thin for that."
"Did husband not just say that so many of these problems come from assumptions? If this lowly one were to assume based only on behavior and reactions, he might assume that husband also enjoys when the roles are reversed in such a way."
Shen Yuan slaps gently at Luo Binghe's bicep, but does not protest with actual words. Binghe cannot help the sharp smile that grows across his face at that. From his husband, that is a ringing endorsement. He will be sure to listen closely and learn well.
"This husband also cannot help but notice that, if Shizun likes this version best, he must like this one quite a lot. It is hard to imagine a house decorated like this to be the lesser version of his regard."
"Binghe," Shizun hisses, seemingly becoming overwhelmed to his limit with Luo Binghe's shameless words, to the point that there is nothing left for him to do but bite at Luo Binghe's chest in reprimand. This does not deter Luo Binghe. This may, in fact, cause a terribly indecent moan to rip its way out of his chest and linger in the air between them. Shen Yuan pulls away from where his face is hidden, staring down at Luo Binghe in shock. Luo Binghe does not feel any sort of shame for the way that he desires his husband, and the smug smile he shows in return makes that abundantly clear. He has been trying to find ways to convince his husband to be a little rough with him since long before the day they were married.
They stare at each other, like that, for a long moment, Shen Yuan's eyes dipping down to catch where Luo Binghe's fangs peek through, just as they always have since they met in these bodies. Luo Binghe is going to have a conversation with his husband about that too, when he has the chance. Slowly, the heat of the lust and embarrassment in their gaze fades, until they are left smiling softly at each other, and his husband, so small in this body, nestles back in out of care rather than an effort to hide.
"Shizun," Luo Binghe calls, only to experience the bone-shaking joy of hearing his husband call him back, "Binghe."
"Is there anything else that Shizun wishes to do in this world, before he returns home? Or, rather, does Shizun wish to return home at all, or would he prefer to stay in this strange world instead?" Luo Binghe's arms tighten around his husband with that question, and he forces himself to loosen them again. It does not work to trap his husband. He has tried that. He must simply hold him when he can and trust that he will not run away.
There is a long pause while his husband thinks. Luo Binghe allows it. He holds down the tears that threaten. It does not mean that his husband is reconsidering their life together. This is likely difficult for him, if this is the world that he is originally from. If this is a place he left without the time to properly plan for a goodbye. Perhaps he will want one now. That is not a bad thing.
"I think-" another pause, briefer this time. "I think that the only thing I might want would be to see my family again. But, well, I don't know if they still think I'm alive or if they already know about my, ah, passing." This time, Luo Binghe does nothing to stop himself from tightening his grip. His husband is speaking of his own death as if that should be something understood and accepted by the both of them. He has done this before, in their world, when referring to his past self-destruction, but this lends some clarity as to why that might have been such an easy topic for him, if that was also the prerequisite for his ability to change his face. Perhaps that is part of why it has always been so much easier for him to talk about.
"This husband is here, Binghe." A soft pat against his bicep. A soft kiss to the hollow above one of his collarbones. The gentle ways that his husband provides comfort. Luo Binghe tucks them away inside his heart and tries to bring himself back to the conversation.
"This one is here, as well."
"Good." Another soft kiss. "I would like to see my siblings, I think, before I leave. But I don't think that we can talk to them. That wouldn't be fair, if they have already grieved me."
"Shizun can do whatever it is that he wants. The others can manage it on their own." Luo Binghe grumps, because he is still having trouble hearing all of this talk about the death of his most beloved person, and also because he truly lives his life by that belief. It's just that he doesn't always say it out loud.
"They are your family too, you know." There is a shyness in the way that his husband says this, as if he is hesitant to say such a thing. As if he has not just laid a paralyzing blow to Luo Binghe's chest. "We're married, so they are your family as well."
Luo Binghe has not had family in so long. The only person he considers family passed away decades ago, and he only had her in his life for a few years at that. Of course, he has met his biological father much more recently, but he has never particularly counted as an actual father or family member. His family is his Shizun. Luo Binghe had always...assumed that his Shizun was without family, just the same as he is.
And, well, in a way, he certainly is. It seems that his husband has family, multiple family members, but if they are living in this world and he has lived in Luo Binghe's world for the past decade, then his family is, in a way, just as dead as Luo Binghe's has been. To suddenly be struck with this idea: that Luo Binghe has family-in-law, is something he had never known to prepare for, and suddenly Luo Binghe is aching with the desire to see them as well, even if only from a distance.
And so they do.
Luo Binghe helps his husband get fully dressed again, allows his husband to help him do the same. They put themselves back into order, covering each other in light kisses as they go, pausing at the end for Luo Binghe to hold him close and savor being near a husband that remembers him again. And then, well, it is a simple matter to find each of their family members. Shen Yuan shows Luo Binghe how their family is, apparently, quite well known and, if one has the desire to do so, one can use the clever Internet to find updates on where each member of the family is at most points in time.
They go to see Shen Yuan's da-ge first, finding the restaurant where he is meeting business associates for lunch and watching him through the wide windows while he conducts his business. He entertains many other people who carry themselves with the familiar body language of power. He seems like the kind of warm and firm individual who easily charms others into thinking it was their idea to do the things he wants. Luo Binghe can see similar hand gestures here, things he had always seen as unique to his husband alone, but here it is again, mirrored over onto a completely different man, because they are family. Because they learned them in the same childhood home.
After that, they go to find his er-ge, who is apparently a professor in this world. The room in which he conducts his lesson is large and many-tiered, and they are able to slip into the back row of seats without catching the notice of anyone else in the room. Luo Binghe is able to marvel, here, as well, over the similarities. He has watched his Shizun teach with the riveted eyes of obsessive first love, and so he is easily able to note the ways that they explain things, the use of metaphor and quiet checks for understanding. They teach in much the same way, because they are family. Because they learned how to teach from the same parents.
The final visit is to Shizun's meimei, and that is a different sort of visit altogether. It seems as though she spends much of her time making videos, similar to the ones that Shen Yuan and Luo Binghe have spent their time watching together in the past two months. Shizun explains that this is not like the other things they have watched, that the video they are watching is a vision of what his meimei is doing at this exact moment, and that other people are watching as well, and able to comment in the words on the side of the video.
I am so very honored to meet you. You remind me of someone whom I love very much. It is my dearest wish that you live a fulfilling and loving life. Luo Binghe types, in what Shen Yuan has explained is a way to talk, with her seeing him in the disguise of an anonymous "guest" rather than the person that he is. When she sees the message, Shen Yuan's meimei, Luo Binghe's meimei, holds her hand to her chest and smiles warmly and kindly out of the screen, and it is the same warm and loving smile that his Shizun bestows upon the disciples that he cannot help but love.
I miss you. I will always miss you. I hope you are well. His Shizun types, in disguise as the very same "guest," and her smile goes a little funny but no less warm. It is the same, because she is family. Because she may have learned how to smile from watching her brother.
And then, when that is complete, his Shizun stands in the center of his apartment, tears in his eyes, and steps close into Luo Binghe's arms.
Luo Binghe holds him close, so so so close. The System, when he calls for it, comes easily.
[Would User Luo Binghe like to return to his original world at this time?]
The System will be returning both this Lord and his husband, correct?
[That is correct! User Luo Binghe has completed the bonus chapter mission In Another Life and can now return to his original universe, accompanied by User Shen Yuan, Bound Role Shen Qingqiu.]
[Would User Luo Binghe like to return to his original world at this time?]
Luo Binghe holds his husband close in his arms. He reads the messages over again, one more time, to make sure there is no way that this will result in his leaving without his Shizun.
Mentally, he tells the System yes.
And then the world around them shatters into glowing blue squares. Luo Binghe holds tightly to the most precious person in his grasp, as the rest of the world spins around them, tearing itself to pieces and rebuilding from the ground up.
When the world stabilizes, and it's possible to see again, Luo Binghe is standing on the forest floor, just below where he was flying when he accepted the mission.
In his arms is his husband, back in the body of Shen Qingqiu. Tears are still wet on his face. When Luo Binghe makes a noise of inquiry, he looks up, loops his arms around Luo Binghe's neck, and kisses him full on the mouth. It's more initiative than he usually takes, and Luo Binghe cannot help the sigh of contentment that leaves him as he wraps his arms around his husband's waist, pulls him that much closer.
They will figure the rest of it out. Luo Binghe still wants to find out exactly how much of what happened was different due to the influence of Shen Yuan and what sort of things were things that his husband may have wanted all along but never said, with such a thin face. He still wants to know more about this family that now belongs to both of them, that both of them have lost. He wants to know how often they cross his husband's mind, what it would take for them to find a way to visit again, in a way that would cause more good than harm. He still wants to know all the things that his husband knew about him from that terrible novel, and where it was wrong, and where it led him astray. He wants to understand why his husband seemed to so easily accept the existence of an omniscient being that was providing quests and monitoring Luo Binghe's words. He wants to know if the suspicion he has been nursing since then is true and, if so, how that has played a role in their lives these past years.
There is so much he wants to know. And they will talk about it. They have time.
For now, though, Luo Binghe simply wraps his arms closer around his husband, holds him that much tighter, and lets the rest of the world pass by. They will figure it out, when it's time, together.
#svsss#bingyuan#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#bingqiu#reverse transmigration#scum villain#scum villian self saving system#my writing#svsss fic#svsssaction
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SJM + Eugenics + Ableism in her Writing
thinking about how insidious eugenics can come up in writing- specifically SJMs writing. Personally I take a lot with a grain of salt bec I don't think a lot of ppl realize how fucking deeply entrenched and rooted it is in everything and more often than not its not intentional
and to an extent I don't think it was intentional by SJM. she does have a degree of plausible deniability in her story telling
however that being said:
the Cauldron "pairing mates" has allusions to being a breeding program of some kind of supernatural predestined idiocy. Sam + Melissa on Tiktok have some pretty great videos on it
However, while they think that SJM is providing commentary on the matter, I do have a different view, not that I really disagree with what they're saying
SJM has a track record of using disabilities as an aesthetic for her characters. It's often a point of suffering and/or there ends up being a magical fix (yay fantasy eugenics providing miracle cures!!! /sarcasm)
Chaol, severely injured with a spinal cord injury that left him paralyzed goes to the super special healing place to have the world's bestest healers where the magical healing trope + black girl magic collide. He spends the whole book, a duration of only six months, regaining the ability to walk, with a cane most days. Chaol spends a large part of the book feeling sorry for himself and immasculting himself. Yerene, a professional trained healer who helps him with PT snaps at him in frustration to "just get up" when he's being difficult with her Note: some of these detailed may be incorrectly remembered + I never finished the book bec I can't stand him
Lucien: he gets his eye ripped out and is literally blinded but now he has a magical eye that is even better and can sense magic and spells and all that good shit
Rhys: chronic pain; never addressed
Azriel: scarred hands and wings, but so far we've seen no real struggle or accommodation of any kind or even a real discussion on how he had to learn how to fly at an older age due to his captivity and scarred wings
Cassian: his wings were beyond shredded but between books they got fixed up right as rain. it would have been fantastic rep for this decorated veteran and leader to be disabled, esp for a culture of warriors where flying is so crucial + where thr women are also forceably mutilated and can't fly either
speaking of the illyrian women
the Illyrian Women: not being able to fly and use their limbs is a disability. We have seen zero repercussions of Emeries father (and brother(?)) for disabling and mutilating his daughter
the mental health crisis of NESTA for ONE. in both the Fandom and in the series the grating toxic positivity and lack of patience and understanding and support and willingness to meet her halfway enraged me holy shit. The tone policing, the lack of autonomy, the unaddressed childhood trauma that has made Nesta the core of who she was. it was vile and disgusting
Aelin: quite frankly should have difficulty moving as fluidly as she does. she was whipped to ribbons and beaten bloody. Her back should be full of chronic pain and difficulty
Elide: as far as I'm aware Elide isn't too bad and she's incredibly intelligent and resourceful but it's been a hot minute since I've read the series. I do remember when they talked about it at the end about possibilities to heal her ankle (they couldn't)
I haven't read CC yet but I heard that LIMBS CAN GROW BACK???? sure let's just completely erase and magically fix imputations I guess?
I find it a lit harder to forgive "accidental eugenics" when her disabled characters disabilities are either made into Aesthetics, not properly addressed, or just healed all together
and when you pair magical eugenics + aesthetics:
You get Rhysand, the most powerful high lord of ever that you just have to keep being told is the most powerful high lord ever due to his parents being mates that his father whisked away from moments before she became mutilated like all the other Illyrian Women at 18 years old to a 900 year old man
you get his entire IC who is made of The Night Courts super special powerful clique who now happen to be the most powerful illyrian EVERRRR (Cassian + Azriel), Amren who was some trapped angel of death or something and Mor who is just so super powerful a mountain quaked or something when she was born
the entire IC is a concentrated powerhouse who also uses a specific mindset of "might is right"-
-and have forced others hands across the entire series or just outright lied and stole. also trespassing and routinely breaking laws but hey
Rowan, Aelin, Aedion, Dorian, Manon are all ToG Powerhouses. Rowan is described as the "most powerful full blooded fae male alive". there's an implication that human blood "weakens" fae traits and magical abilities [this is rather common in a lot of fantasy books]
every single character in this series is seen as some sort of extraordinary person with some sort of extraordinary power or ability aside from maybe a few. Hell Chaol, the only fully human character with no powers is the "Captian of the Guard" which he got bec he's a nepo baby from being Dorians friend. He gets disabled and they immediately go to get him fixed
tagging: @feynessupremacy @bookishfeylin @andramoreaux
I thought yall would appreciate
#prev. wolfgeneralashryver#sjm critical#acotar#a court of thorns and roses#throne of glass#tog#ableism#eugenics in acotar#eugenics in tog#eugenics#my posts get good traction yall cowards better interact with these posts. i see yall scrolling whenever i talk about this
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AITA for getting upset at my best friend for calling me a hoarder in passing?
My (29NB) best friend (also 29NB) have been going through major crises lately at the same time—we will call them Sun. So, yesterday, they sent me a text, when we weee talking about how they haven’t wanted to be over at my house for a while, mostly bc they don’t like my partner…although the subject was in discussion bc my partner and I are splitting up, and I will be living alone again in a couple months. At some point in this discussion, they mentioned the more pressing matter that’s caused them not to be over as much is that they are very allergic to one of my cats—but only the one I just adopted a couple years ago, they’ve had no allergy issues w the other one and they love her very much, she is their niece.
However, at one point, they mentioned that a few years ago, when I was using drugs a lot more irresponsibly than usual—to the point where I got injured from falling down the stairs—they had been speaking to my other close friends. Which is appreciated, and I knew about this already obviously since there was an intervention that happened around that time…the way they mentioned this was upsetting. Specifically, they mentioned that “they approached [other friend of mine] about my drug use bc they thought I was becoming a hoarder” and that MAJORLY triggered me—specifically the hoarder comment. The woman who gave birth to me/raised me is a hoarder, which is a well known fact to just about anyone who is close to me irl, especially anyone who’s known her irl, and ESPECIALLY Sun, who worked as her caregiver for quite a while. Also being compared to/told I am just like my abusive egg donor is the thing that will hurt me the most, bc she is the most cruel, manipulative, abusive people I’ve ever had in my life.
So the thing is, my house is indeed very messy…I have too much junk around, and it’s very difficult for me physically to keep anything clean. It’s actually one of the reasons I’m separating from my partner, and as ashamed as I am about it, I understand. However, it’s not a hoarding disorder at all—I don’t hold onto anything I don’t need out of sentimentality, and if I could wave a magic wand and simply get rid of all the extra shit I don’t need/make everything nice and clean, I would. Unfortunately, I am very disabled with too many chronic pain/fatigue conditions, and actually cleaning the house/sorting through shit to get rid of takes immense physical effort. But whenever someone offers to help me, I jump at those opportunities! I take things to be donated all the time (if I’m able to sort through the stuff that needs to go) and it’s entire worlds different than my egg donor refusing to give up several bins of my baby clothes bc she can’t bear to part with them, despite them never seeing use in her possession ever again.
So, I responded to Sun’s mention of a past conversation thinking I’m a hoarder, with offense and saying it hurt me. We had been discussing just downsizing and how we will be going through my stuff as we pack for the new place, and had mentioned that I should make sure to get rid of certain clothing things if they have holes/are worn out/whatever, which to me, sounded like they think I have a hard time throwing clothes away even if they’re not even wearable anymore. With that and the hoarding accusation in mind, I told them I was very hurt by this. I made sure to be respectful and kind yet assertive, but after explaining how this was an unfair assumption/description of me, they got upset and said I should’ve asked for clarification before coming at them.
Now, do me, I wouldn’t have even considered they meant anything other than how I interpreted it, so it would never have even occurred to me to ask for clarification if I’m not even aware there’s a miscommunication. Apparently, the reason they mentioned getting rid of clothes that have been too worn out is an issue they have themselves, but this isn’t anything I was ever aware of, and once again never would’ve thought was referring to anyone but me. They also say they’re aware that it’s my physical difficulties that make cleaning physically painful for me…but honestly, that’s not anywhere near the same as having a hoarding disorder, which is indeed what they’d accused me of.
Of course, I know the both of us overreacted—me, being offended about being accused of being a hoarder (especially since my immense difficulty cleaning the house is part of why I’m separating from my partner and is therefore something I’m incredibly sensitive about right now) and them, being offended that I took what they said wrong and being upset over some things they didn’t actually intend w what they said…but I’m just not sure if maybe I AM in the wrong here, for expressing being hurt by being called a hoarder here, or if I really am making the entire thing a big deal out of nothing.
So, AITA for voicing my offense at being called a hoarder?
What are these acronyms?
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next // previous
august 26, 2021 4:00 a.m. a balcony, somewhere
time somehow seems to simultaneously slow to a crawl and race beyond the speed of light. grant doesn’t remember when they’d ended up perched like lovebirds at the pinnacle of a staircase, peering out over the night-drenched landscape, but it must have been a while ago. customers have long since stopped streaming in and out of the restaurant on the street below.
he remembers in better detail the stream of their conversation–they’d shifted from food and a strangely peaceful, humorous discussion of kicking the bucket to movies, and at some point, paranormal stories came up along the way.
it’d be hard to forget talking to yunha.
there’s something curiously enrapturing about her, something that had drawn him to her when he first made eye-contact with her.
the look in her eyes, maybe. it’s piercing, like she’s baring right through your skin and into your soul, but not malicious or judgmental. it’s friendly, it’s curious, it’s playful.
the way she speaks, maybe. she’s the most engaged conversationalist he’s ever encountered. everything you say, whether she agrees or disagrees, is met with affirmations and a lot of nodding. yes, yes, of course. i see, i see. i understand. ohhh, wow! really?
she’s unraveling every shard of the puzzle that is his personality and piecing it back together in one whole picture, analyzing it. figuring it out. appreciating it.
or maybe it’s the sweetness that radiates off her. she appears unafraid to smile, instead all too happy to flash those pretty, crooked bunny teeth for the world to see.
“so, i'm going to guess you’re not accidentally good at singing.”
she seems not to mind revealing her own puzzle pieces either, and the more she says about herself, the more fascinated he is with her. with who she is. with what makes her tick.
“i hope it’s not an accident,” yunha replies, laughing, “because shit, then years worth of practice was a waste.”
“time enjoyed is never time wasted.”
the unabashed cringe of the line garners an immediate eye roll, but she still seems to find it funny.
they’ve definitely been sitting here a while. grant straightens his back, fixing his gradually slouching posture, and is is met with an immediate flash of pain, distinct from the chronic dull ache underlying every day of his life, that radiates down every vertebra.
“what got you into music, though?”
yunha’s rosy pink lips purse in thought as she dwells on the question.
“a lot of things. my parents like music. i listened to a lot of different kinds of songs my whole life, first with them, and then later with my friends. i had some time between classes and studying to spend having fun, but i couldn't spend any money, so my friends and i would go to this music store. we walked around and picked random albums to listen to on the headphones. we never bought anything.”
grant nods supportively. “what’s, like, the first album you remember really liking? or albums. you don’t have to pick one.”
“ah! i treasure so many albums. seo taiji and boys IV. i think that’s still my favorite nostalgic album ever. i also remember fondly, um, this girl’s in love with you by aretha franklin. i heard that at the music store, and i was so impressed by her talent. i still am.”
“i'm not a music expert. surprise! i know, i know, i'm sorry to tell you, i did not practice for centuries for that wonderful spice girls performance earlier. no, but seriously, i most often just listen to the same old emo stuff i liked when i was 13. so, unfortunately i don’t know the first album at all, at least not yet, but i do know the second one. you have fantastic taste, that’s a classic.”
despite his ignorance, yunha still smiles from ear to ear. “you should look up the first one! look up, like, seo taiji ‘come back home.’ that’s the most popular song on the album. i don’t wanna bias you, so listen on your own and make your own opinions.”
“wilco. and if you don’t mind me asking, how’d you turn the interest in music into a skill? you are talented, but i know it's very much a skill. it does take a lot of practice to become tangibly good at music.”
“to express myself,” yunha says plainly, “it’s easier to tell your story in art than talking about it, and singing is free. you don’t need supplies to learn it. but yes, i needed that kind of outlet, you know? i always liked singing, always did it, but i needed more than only entertainment from it over time.”
“oh yeah, art is helpful. i really should have gotten on that train earlier. i got on board about a year ago. it's much better for you than intellectualizing everything. or at least that's what i tend to do. do you perform, by the way? outside of karaoke, that is."
"sometimes. but also, not in a long time."
there falls a brief, but peaceful lull in the conversation. grant’s eyes draw to black night sky as he recalls the last haphazard art he’d created–the mushy-gushy attempt at processing the universe. seeing it hanging above him now, his thoughts are no less conflicting. light pollution washes out the shining sea of stars, but the sky still retains its beauty, its bewilderment. visible or not, an infinite chain of dimensions and celestial bodies exist in the vacuum of space, orbiting independent of him, yet factoring in the tiny fraction of his mass on the mass of the earth in their delicate ballerina dance across the fabric of spacetime.
the universe must have created me for some reason, for something other than anguish.
his own words. again. ever-present.
“i miss seeing the stars.” yunha’s buttery soft voice breaks his concentration. “you can’t see anything here.”
“polaris.” grant raises his left arm and draws his index finger across the sky until it hovers above the only star he’s seen thus far. “technically, that means we should be able to see sirius, too, but we don’t need to get all science-y and talk about magnitude and that polaris isn’t–”
“i would like it if you did.”
she was thinking of the stars, too.
synchronicity.
“aw shucks! well. i’ll say this, polaris isn’t the brightest star. we just talk about it way more frequently because it has the most cultural significance in the northern hemisphere for, you know, navigation reasons. but hey, give it about 12,000 more years, and it even won’t be the north star anymore. thank you, wobbly earth axis. but also boo, woobly earth axis, because it's a little sad to think about.”
yunha’s eyes glitter with fascination. “it’ll be something else?”
“yep! the next north star will be vega,” he explains, “come on down, you’re the next contestant!”
“maybe we’ll see it happen.”
“if my consciousness is still floating around as little dust particles, that’d be pretty sick. you know? forget fly me to the moon, fly me to vega. why not?”
“i don’t think i'll be dust,” yunha says, not missing a beat at all, even as her focus remains fixed on the faintest twinkle emanating from polaris, “it’s kind of troubling. you don’t want to be, like, stuck in the whole cycle of the universe, but if you’re still here, you can see some really beautiful things.”
“ah. reincarnation?”
“if you’re asking me, you’re not going to be dust. either you escape the suffering or you come back in some kind of physical form, human or not, and you try again.”
grant thinks about it for a moment. and then the feelings, like usual, spill out at once.
“i'm not going to lie, that idea has always given me the heebie-jeebies. i think it’s very cool as a concept, but i'm, like, man, i don’t want to do this shit again. also, look, we're doing the thing again. oh, and shit, that sounded judgmental. i just run my mouth too much."
"most people don't know they lived before. you can't really remember your other lives without a lot of study," she answers, "and no, you don't. i prefer to hear your real opinion. it's actually stupid when people tell you what they think you want to hear."
"do you ever wonder what you were up to last go-around?"
"not too much, but i always heard strange birthmarks and scars are signs from your last death. fears, too. things you avoid. so, i guess, like, a clown stabbed me in the neck with needles."
"are you afraid of storm drains, by any chance? if so, i think pennywise had it out for you."
"hahaha." yunha shakes her head. "wait, i have to ask. is it not worse thinking you can only live once? that's not uncomfortable? feeling like you have to make everything perfect in your one lifetime?"
"oh no, it's terrifying. dying and just being done with everything is eerie, too, because there are nice things to do and see here in the real world. you’re right about that. and yeah, there is a lot of pressure to get it all right. also, that's not even mentioning that there are people i love that i don’t want to be gone forever. i'd like to think they remain somehow. conscious or not. i kind of think they do, but i don’t know. am i contradicting myself? capital-P probably."
“you don’t know what to think.”
grant immediately bursts out laughing. “yeah, no, absolutely not. i do not know. i just kinda waffle around and hope some scientist throws out some numbers and whatnot that proves some explanation of everything correct. but that’s impossible. it’s literally impossible. we can’t even simulate or predict the wacky physics that were going on at the exact moment the big bang happened.”
“not to be, like, all quirky, but...” yunha reaches over, patting him on the shoulder. “maybe don’t think about it? you’re gonna go crazy. you can just not know? and it's fine. this doesn’t mean anything anyway. the answer to anything is already in you, it’s not out there.”
and then she, too, starts giggling all over again and her cheeks blush deep red from sheepish cringe.
another stereotypical line, but he doesn't mind. they sound better coming from her than him anyhow.
a second later and she checks the time on her phone. her cheesy smile erodes into a slight frown.
“ahh, i really need to leave soon. i have a schedule in the morning.”
grant checks the time as well, drawing the sleeve of his hoodie up just enough to read the minuscule roman numerals on his watch.
on the watch an ex-girlfriend gifted him. not päivi, but...
4:00 a.m.
fuck.
right.
you’re leaving the country in two hours.
#ts4#the sims 4#sims 4#sims 4 story#sims 4 storytelling#simblr#hlcn: everything the stars promised#GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS#*screams into the void*#i have too many thoughts and i need to WATCH IT in my tags gushing because i will reveal too much either way#all i'm gonna say for now is ermmmmm i've been thinking about these scenes for literal years and i am pretty happy with how they came out#also i needed to advance the plot a bit for [REDACTED] story elements hence the unusual conversations#but nonetheless i love people getting to be a little funky and weird with each other and idk i've had similar encounters with random people#classmates and whatnot and you just find yourself talking about topics that are hard to get into but somehow you did#holocene.docx#holocene.png#hlcn: grant#hlcn: yunha
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I hate when people act like trans men aren't also killed and are "just" misgendered. It downplays that misgendering is an act of violence, and it erases all the trans men who have been murdered or driven to suicide. Plus many trans men are misgendered in death, so we don't even have accurate statistics. I feel pity for people who are so self hating they target other trans men/mascs and claim they have a victim complex and that they "need to center (trans) women." Like, no, you're allowed to center yourself. People are allowed to center themselves and their struggles. It's good to discuss other issues and nuance within certain groups, but individuals are allowed to care about themselves more as long as they aren't harming others.
The minimization trans men/mascs are expected to do towards their own experience is a great example of transandrophobia and the intersection of sexism and transness. "Shut up and stop whining" is something plenty of AFAB folks have heard before. It's not suddenly radical when it's been done to trans men/mascs, it's still basic tack misogyny.
I'm tired and brain foggy/chronic pain-y so I'm starting to ramble a bit so I'll end my ask here. It's just so frustrating, seeing people cannibalize their own and themselves while pretending it's to "further the cause" or whatever
tbh I think @thorne1435 said it the best. If "just misgendered" isn't so bad, then why don't [general] you detransition and live your life being forced out of transition and live as your assigned sex? Is it because "just misgendered" would drive most transgender people to suicide if that was their only option? Is it because "just misgendered" is one of the leading causes of suicide within the wider transgender community?
Leelah Alcorn was "just misgendered". She also stepped in front of a truck, and she's dead now. By this logic no one murdered her. She killed herself. Because she couldn't imagine living a life of being misgendered, because she was afraid that even if she transitioned it was "too late" and she'd be read as a man for the rest of her life. And her family that refused to accept who she was "just misgendered" her to the point where she saw no other way out except death.
Leelah's death was a tragedy. I'm not saying it wasn't. No trans teen should feel forced to choose between killing themselves and never transitioning.
I just wish it was recognized as a tragedy when other transgender people do this, too.
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Hello, I am going to discuss my thoughts on content/trigger warnings as someone living with OCD. I am absolutely open to good faith engagement and discussion on this topic.
Having some thoughts on the idea that adding trigger warnings somehow ultimately harms the person with the trigger. They absolutely can create an easy tool to obsessively control your access to the topics/to avoid them, but I’ve always felt it should be the potentially triggered person’s decision on what they were ready to do about it. Uncontrolled exposure is just as capable of causing obsession as is avoidance, in my opinion.
I think of the (terrible telephone retelling of a) case I heard about while discovering recounts of actual lived experiences with OCD.
—The following example discusses intrusive thoughts about domestic violence.—
A woman had an obsession with being was afraid of hitting her boyfriend. Her compulsion was that she would have to hold her arms stiffly by her side. She recognized this as OCD and sought exposure response prevention. Her therapist told her to try and ignore the compulsion, or potentially do the opposite. The woman became so obsessed with healing she forced herself to keep her hands away from her sides (almost obsessively) and constantly checked whether or not she “still wanted to hit him.” In the end, the ERP just became entangled with her obsessions.
It takes so much strength to face these types of problems and practice the mindfulness and grace with yourself to recognize it. It’s something you really need to be ready for because it’s going to take a lot of effort to do the hard thing when the easy thing is right there.
How can we claim it’s best to “force” exposure on someone else? How can we go around vigilante therapising people we have deemed too ill to do it on their own (or just be left alone)?
This is not to say that anyone is bad if they can’t or don’t want to tag things. More just my thoughts about how pushback against that idea can swing too hard into trying to prove not tagging was morality correct.
Some articles that articulate so much of my experience with OCD:
Having No Cure for OCD Is the Cure
Help! I Have OCD About What’s OCD
In the spirit of bodily autonomy, I think we all deserve agency in our lives no matter how “incompetent” other people may think we are. When you’re ready, you’re ready. There’s no healing to be had sitting around thinking you’re broken or lazy or whatever for not being ready to change. We all owe each other the kindness to do what we can in good faith, too.
I started doing too much table setting in the tags, so I’ll put it under a read more, lol.
I recognize that this isn’t very radically (in the abolition vs reform sense) anti-psychiatry, and I do have a complicated relationship with that idea. I recognize that I have a good deal of privilege (particularly among people with more stigmatized/less understood “disorders”) but this framework is the only one I’ve ever been able to access that gives me any insight into myself at all. That isn’t something everyone can afford to do in several senses.
As a physically disabled person, I just connect my experiences with chronic illness and mental illness (which I think can fall under the umbrella of chronic on its own) more and more these days. What truly was the difference between not being able to do something out of pain versus anxiety? Our brains are organs, too. Our thoughts are chemical and hormonal, too.
One of the fondest memories I have of coming to terms with disability was explaining my experience with an autoimmune condition to a bipolar friend, and he replied that we were “chronic illness buddies.” And I felt so understood as someone who has suffered with various types of anxieties for their entire waking life.
#actually ocd#antipsychiatry#i guess maybe this falls in that category? idk#mental health#intrusive thoughts#ocd#as an OCD haver I lean a lot on stuff like the CBT methods used in ERP#just in the first article I link the author (therapist with OCD) talks about getting dumped by the book (DSM)#and it just hits home rlly hard#I have more a take what you want and leave the rest approach to it#ocd tag
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Falls on Me
Day Three: Evening
Rating: Teen (For This Chapter)
Previous Chapters: Chapter One , Chapter Two , Chapter Three
Characters: Gale Dekarios and F!Tav: Copper
Warnings: Gale POV, Mentions of chronic pain, body image issues, accidental flirting/sexual innuendo, and embarrassment. Also, mentions of Mystra (I think she deserves a warning for any Gale story).
Gale is dealing with a major bout of pain and he consents to Ki Restoration from Copper to help battle the degradation from his orb.
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The team agreed with only mild protesting from Astarion to give Gale the Sword of Justice to consume. The relief was instant but Gale couldn’t bring himself to tell his party members that pings of pain returned by nightfall.
To be fair they did battle a hag today so maybe Gale just overexerted himself.
All Gale wants to do is lie down and curl up with his newest book and a glass of wine. He is about to kneel down to recline into his plush pillows when a sharp stab crisscrosses his chest and he grunts out in pain. He finds himself falling forward and catching himself with shaky hands.
"It shouldn't be bad like this so soon," Gale grunts from an aftershock of pain, nails digging into the rug of his tent. He just consumed a magic item this morning.
Cold dread fills his head at the thought of Tara's treatment no longer working and his life ending with the dreaded little orb eradicating him into lumps of flesh and bone. Everything he was and everything he could have had gone because of his idiotic decision to chase after Mystra’s lost fragment of the Weave.
“Hey, are you alright?" Copper asks, leaning halfway into his tent. Concern clearly on her face. "I heard something falling to the ground."
Sweating and disheveled, Gale tries to wave the monk off. "I am fine. I'm fine,” he says a little more steely than usual. "Nothing to worry about here. I just had too much wine."
Copper gives him a glare. "You need to come up with a better lie than that to chase me away," she scolds as she gently helps him up. "What's really the matter?”
Gale quickly debates if he should lie again but just sighs and tells the truth.
"My pain is returning. Rather quickly this time." Another spasm causes him to wince and the rest of his sentence comes out more desperately than he wishes to convey. "I just consumed a magical item today…but with this rapid degradation of my health, I don't want to think about how this affects my timeframe to stay in this world.”
“Gale, you remember our discussion about the differences between Ki and the Weave?”
“I remember you not budging on your points in the argument,” Gale mutters. “I must say, it was very un-monk like of you.”
Copper rolls her eyes at the wizard’s displeasure about her not conceding the superiority of the Weave over Ki but otherwise stays quiet not wanting to start another debate. Especially with the man hurting as he was.
“I can help you feel better if I heal your pathways. So your Ki flows better.” Copper ends up saying.
Reluctance settles in the pit of Gale's stomach but another flash of intense pain makes him reconsider.
“Fine, let's try your not-magic magic healing,” Gale says in his most cheerful tone, which makes Copper gently shake her head at his stubbornness.
“You’ll need to take your shirt off and lay down on the ground so you have something solid to support your back.” Copper says as she reaches for one of his spare blankets and drapes it on the ground.
Gale stills, as his stomach clenches at the thought of showing off his body. He is nowhere near his prime. Over a year of sequestering himself in his tower, growing weak and frail has made him a poor image of his former self.
“Is it essential for me to take my shirt off? I don’t even like Tara staying in the room when I change my clothes.” Gale half-jokes.
Copper flashes him a quizzical look that she quickly replaces with a neutral face.
“We can do whatever you are comfortable with. However, seeing your skin will help me notice any abnormalities that I can focus my healing on.”
Gale lets out a bitter laugh. “There’s one large abnormality right here, all right.” As he pats his chest over his orb.
“What you have a third nipple or something?” Copper asks, with a straight face.
“What!?! Gods no!” Gale says aghast. “I have two perfectly formed nipples. Thank you very much.”
“Then what’s the problem?” Copper gives him another quizzical look that she doesn’t bother to hide this time. “I treated a man at one of the Ilmateri Temples who had an additional hand coming out of his armpit. Not a fully grown hand, mind you but I highly doubt you have anything weird enough to top that. You appear to be a very handsome and normal-looking person.”
Gale finds a small blush trying to form on his cheeks but the annoyance of being called normal clouded out the pleasure of being called handsome.
Gale was anything but normal...well he once was. Now he couldn’t really argue that he was anything special since he squandered his gifts to achieve Mystra’s love.
But before he could get lost in his self-loathing, Copper cleared her throat, obviously waiting for Gale to answer.
“Ohh yeah,” Gale coughs, embarrassed by the lapse of his response. “Well, it is not as strange as an additional appendage but I have a "magical injury" on my chest. There’s a large scar where it’s located and skin discoloration. Plus, I haven’t had much of an appetite since I was cursed with this…thing.” Gale spits out. “My body isn’t quite up to par for viewing but as long as you promise not to run away screaming at my loose skin and bones I’ll consent to taking my shirt off.”
“I promise, I’ll only do that if it was a third nipple,” Copper jokes, which puts a smile on Gale’s face.
Gale lifts his shirt, and a stab of pain accompanies the motion causing him to be more determined to go through this test to see if Ki restoration would help. Copper turns her face away from him, to allow some privacy as he disrobes and lays down on the blanket.
At first, all Gale could feel was the rise and fall of his chest but shortly after the hard surface feels strangely nice as the pressure of the earth pushes into sensitive spots on his back.
Copper kneels down over him, emitting a calm and tender presence that Gale often associated with Mystra in the past before she was his lover and more of a teacher.
“Here,” Copper says gently as she grabs his hands, which he didn’t notice were clasped together tightly on his stomach, and guides them down to his sides. “I am going to examine you by placing my hands on areas of your chest and releasing a small amount of Ki into your system to figure out if you have any areas of buildup in your meridians.”
“Build up in my meridians?” Gale questions, mainly out of curiosity, instead of worry.
“Sometimes when our bodies are damaged, our pathways get blocked and we end up with Ki building up in unwanted areas.” Copper says as she shuffles, in her kneeling position, readjusting to get a better angle over Gales’s body. Her braid falls over her shoulder, softly tickling Gale as she continues to work. A glowing energy built up in her hands.
“Ok, Gale. I’m going to start the process now.”
Gale feels a cool but calming sensation touch his skin. If he was honest with himself it felt nice to be touched by another human being again.
He watches the young monk, a pensive look on her face, as she works. Gale notices Copper’s eyes are very pale and reflect the soft glowing light around them before he closes his eyes and feels a small shift in his energy. The tightness in his chest was evaporating like morning dew but the hungry pit of the orb remained.
After several minutes of relaxation, Gale suddenly blinks his eyes open at a surprise sensation, as Copper moves from examining his chest, to gently touching his neck. “I’m going to apply some pressure here ok? You have some built-up of Ki in your neck that I need to release.”
“As long as you don’t choke me, I’m not really up to that kind of foreplay right now,” Gale says drily before realizing he let his tongue slip. “Urgh, my mind can be so perverted sometimes without my permission.”
Copper must have realized what he said because she stilled in her perusal before continuing.
“You must be feeling more comfortable if you can joke like that.” Copper huffs out, as she applies slight pressure to his neck, relieving some pain. “I might have to rethink my decision about helping you if you don’t behave. I don’t think you are old enough for me to excuse your words as just delusions.”
“Ugh, I am so sorry.” Gale groans out, humiliation staining his cheeks bright red. “Does that happen to you a lot? Some fool running their mouth while you are just trying to help them?”
“You won’t believe how many little old men and women at the temples try to give me a kiss full on the mouth, tongue, and everything.” She says scandalously but with a light air around her that Gale’s transgression wasn’t a big deal. “I became an expert at dodging while changing bedpans.”
“Well, I promise you won’t be anywhere near my bedpan.” Gale jests, feeling physically lighter than he has in weeks.
“I usually have a spell that magics away all that nastiness anyway. But don’t expect me to tell you where it goes once it gets enchanted away,” he adds with all seriousness before giving Copper a shy smile as she shifts back away from him, her work complete. Happy his embarrassing slip of the tongue wouldn’t put a strain on his relationship with a teammate.
“So how are you feeling?” Copper says as she stands up patting herself clean from the dirt on the ground. “Did the Ki restoration help at all?”
“I feel lighter than I have in months. The crick in my neck that has been bugging me is gone but the pain from my infliction is still there.” Realizing he might not sound grateful, Gale quickly adds. “But it feels duller than before. I am no longer bending over in pain.”
“I am glad it helped a little.” Copper smiles, “There’s so much damage to your heart chakra, I was worried I wasn’t going to help at all.”
“No, it helped. I definitely have to put a little more stock in Ki techniques. Thank you for sharing. Maybe one day, I can return the favor with a lesson in the Weave.” Gale says fondly, getting up and putting on his shirt.
He didn’t realize until now he wasn’t worried anymore about Copper seeing his disfigured body and she didn’t comment on it, like a true professional. He smiles fondly.
“Ohh, no.” Copper says, waving her hands in protest, slightly backing out of Gale’s tent. “It will be impossible for me to have any talent in the Weave.”
“Nonsense,” Gale reassures while cheekily adding. “You probably didn’t have the right teacher. But alas, a magic lesson will have to wait. I am awfully worn out and I feel a particularly good sleep is waiting for me.”
Backing fully out of the tent, Copper gives Gale a warm smile. “Sweet dreams, Gale.”
“Goodnight, Copper,” Gale adds as he watches her disappear from view. Laying down on his bedroll, Gale doesn’t even get the chance to read his book or drink a glass of wine before sleep claims him for the night.
Author's Note:
The romance is going to start building up for Gale and Copper moving forward.
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incoming rant about discussions about diet culture & body positivity i've seen online (for context, I am a fat person):
I really do appreciate people who spread body positivity and dispell myths about bmi and diet culture, but seeing people be like "well if you are craving a food that probably means your body need it!" has me a bit... concerned? like I respect the sentiment. I really do. we don't need to feel shame about what we eat. however, some of us have adhd, messed up gut microbiomes, binge eating disorder, and/or metabolic issues. like sometimes I need to tough it out and not give in to my cravings because if not I might throw up, pass out, or feel physically sick.
like, another example, I have PCOS and a lot of chronic pain. diet culture in terms of like, obsessing over calories or thinking you can't have any of a certain food is not good. however, my doctor gave me an anti-inflammatory diet plan, which is basically a packet that says "these are kinds of foods/ingredients that tend to increase inflammation in people who have PCOS or other inflammatory issues, so try to avoid these if possible" and when I do follow it I absolutely feel better than when I'm constantly eating the food that is feeding my adhd dopamine cravings. adderall sometimes helps with my ADHD binge eating, but when I ran out of it for a month because of shortages, my eating got out of control and now my gut and brain are having a really hard time adjusting back to where I was (not to mention my ADHD causes me to forget to take my Adderall a lot too 🤦♀️).
like, there are lots of foods being marketed to us constantly that really aren't that great for us. not that they are necessarily dangerous, but they are being made to taste as good as possible so you'll keep buying them, by corporations that do not have your health in mind. and like. if you eat "unhealthy" all the time and give into your cravings, that's okay! it's completely understandable. food is good and fun and sometimes your body does need certain things! plus sometimes the "healthier" food is wayyy more expensive or hard to make. but I just think we need to be careful making blanket statements about food when certain foods are more harmful to some of us.
like, again, we shouldn't feel shame about food or being "fat." there are fat people out there who are very healthy! however, some of us who are fat have chronic illnesses or disorders that are tied to weight gain. now, tbh our goal shouldn't be to manage our chronic illnesses or disorders so that we'll be "skinnier," the goal should be to try and manage our illnesses (as much as one is able) for the sake of our health/wellbeing. unfortunately, a lot of doctors tie weight to health, and say "oh you're losing weight the treatment plan is working!" when that really shouldn't be the indicator, or at least the sole indicator, that a treatment for a chronic illness or disorder is working. we should change that mindset. (there's so much more one could say about fatphobia in the medical field tbh).
Idk, I'm just very literal and don't like blanket statements made online without a lot of nuance or backing. I feel like there's a middle ground between obsessing over weight and dieting and encouraging people to eat whatever they want without taking other health factors into consideration.
like, even though I'm prediabetic and struggle with inflammation, I still eat sugar and carbs. but I try not to over-do it if I can (some days I just don't have the impulse control and that's alright). for example, I buy dairy-free ice cream sandwiches that have 9 grams of sugar (very low compared to most ice creams treats) and real fruit frozen pops (that have natural sugars) because my brain is always craving sugar. but they aren't as sugary as some of the other stuff out there and don't have the dairy or dyes that trigger my inflammation. I also love bagels so I eat these really yummy protein bagels. they probably have more carbs than I really need, but if I'm gonna eat a bagel for that sweet sweet dopamine hit, at least they are organic whole wheat (which is better) and the protein helps keep me full for longer. it takes research sometimes, but it can be helpful to find a middle ground between your cravings and "healthy eating" especially when you have a chronic illness or disorder you are trying to manage. but if you are struggling to find that middle ground and are just eating "unhealthy" a lot, you aren't any lesser for it. Or even if you just, never chose to try and eat "healthier," you aren't lesser for that either. you still deserve respect. we shouldn't change our diets because of judgement from others. I feel like that should be the ultimate goal of body positivity/anti-diet culture discussions.
#personal#would love to put this in a related tag but I'm not looking to start discourse I just wanted to get my thoughts out lol#tw: food#tw: dieting#tw: eating disorder
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How do you think the Hells would handle a de-aged soft Ashton from the In a Situation Prompt list?
Prompt
19 De-aged
Oh yes! I have many thoughts about this with two main variations: Retains Memories and Only Childhood Memories. (I kind of favor only childhood memories)
Also, my preference for a de-aged Ashton is essentially half-and-half: they're reduced to a Shifting age no later than the Shift reaching their bellybutton (in my usual feet up fashion), as it adds some shenanigans/angst while still allowing for I Was Soft Once.
Retains Memories
So anytime an adult character is de-aged to a child, they should be more emotional, even when they haven't lost their memories. Kid bodies just aren't built for the usual calm control of an adult because the chemical soup of the brain is changing and adjusting as we grow towards adulthood.
Which really sucks for Ashton, who puts a fair bit of effort into controlling themself and hiding certain emotions.
It's so much easier to become upset like this, and with his adult memories, Ashton knows how to turn upset into battle rage. And he instinctually does that when his emotions get too strong. Also, while his body no longer bears the marks, his soul is still laced with dunamis, so all the battle rage temper tantrums are accompanied by his chaos magic, and it's even more uncontrolled than normal.
Que Bells Hells doing their best to keep their baby-fied friend as calm and happy as possible. And Ashton resenting and loving the attention and care in turns.
Ashton is also more cuddly as a kid because the chronic pain is gone. Still hates being touched by strangers, of course, because that's a matter of trust. But with Bells Hells? They're not avoiding touch anymore and are, occasionally, willing to instigate. It's also interesting to (re)discover how nice it is to have someone brush their hair, run fingers through it.
Oh, and a sprinkling of "Ashton doesn't know how to be Soft anymore" is also appropriate since they have twice as many memories of being stone, as discussed in part already here in the Bodyswap section.
Only Childhood Memories
If Ashton only has their memories up to the age their body is reduced to, they're going to remember Hishari more clearly and have the wariness that Greymoore has started to beat into them, but not the full cynicism and brokenness of adult Ashton.
If the de-aging takes place on the road, Ashton's not going to attempt to run off on Bells Hells immediately. But he is going to be considering it since he has no memory of how he got where he is or who these people are (even though they already know his name).
If it's in a city, Bells Hells definitely has to worry about Ashton running off if they can't quickly gain his trust (which he is predisposed to trust them because his soul knows them and its got fucking dunamis bullshit in it). And if Ashton does get the chance to try running, Bells Hells is very thankful that Ashton can't or doesn't remember how to use Pass Without a Trace, so he can't get away without Orym's Passive Perception noticing/catching him.
It turns out that the old adage of "the quickest way to a person's heart is through their stomach" holds particularly true of little Ashton. They have a large appetite and are used to Greymoore telling them "no" when it comes to seconds or larger portions. Meanwhile, Bells Hells are continuously offering more food if they think Ashton looks hungry. Growing children need nutrition! And it's pretty clear that Ashton has been underfed as a child. The freely offered food makes Ashton willing to stick with them on the merit of "getting to have a full belly on the regular" alone.
And while it's very tentative at first, the moment little Ashton feels comfortable with a member of Bells Hells, he's cuddling up to them, looking for and luxuriating in comforting touches. He hasn't really had that sort of thing since Hishari, so he's happy to have somehow found himself in the care of such nice people. Bells Hells kind of adores this cuddliness, and quietly laments that adult Ashton can't have this so freely with his chronic pain.
Little Ashton gets cagey talking about where they're from pretty quickly after deciding they want to stick with Bells Hells. They don't want to be sent back/abandoned again. But with careful coaxing and promises that they're keeping Ashton no matter what, Bells Hells can tease out some information about Hishari as it was. They care less about knowing more about Greymoore since adult Ashton seems to remember all they want to know about there.
Also, little Ashton needs to ride the FCG segway at some point since he's small and (probably?) light enough for it. Maybe a Too Sleepy to Walk ride.
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With all due respect but depression, anxiety, etc are not disabilities. I have anxiety, bipolar and depression, and it’s tough. But 2 years ago I got into an accident that rendered me legally disabled. And that’s when the nightmare begun. So while those condition are rough they are NOWHERE near the level of pain, distress and struggle actually disabled folks go through
Hmm I can't speak for the mental problems myself. My physical disability is not in your level. My condolences for you. It's definitely not easy for you, that's what I'm sure about.
My impression of the original post was that people shouldn't be so hard on themselves as "I need to do better, I need to be as good and energetic as an abled person. I'm not disabled enough to make my life any easier with all the things disabled people use". It speaks to me, too, as I'm telling myself "I'm not disabled enough" when I'm 24/7 in pain and half-dead, because someone else out there has it WORSE.
My condition and your condition should never dismiss or be used against other people's issues with health, whatever those might be. I would never tell my depressed friend, that "Well, I'm in pain 24/7, you're just depressed. I've got it worse than you. You've been depressed just a few years, I've had this condition for decades".
I think it should never be a competition who has it worse, as someone always has it worse than you (not meaning you, anon), and someone has it easier than you (again, not meaning you, anon). My experience about humans is that they whip themselves too much and don't give themselves break, aid, permission to ask help and seek help, because "I'm not disabled enough, sick enough, low in energy enough, chronically ill enough, mentally ill enough, physically ill enough, traumatized enough etc."
Of course, physical disability caused by physical illness/trauma is different in nature, but it shouldn't dismiss people who are mentally ill/traumatized. If mental illnesses weren't causing disablities in people - an in this context meaning that they can't survive the daily life the same way as abled people - then we would have no mentally ill people who have retired from work due their mental illnesses, dropped from schools etc. Just in Finland, people with severe mental illnesses are allowed to retire and they're not expected to work, because they are disabled.
Illnesses and disbalities appear in people in so many forms and people should be allowed to be KIND to themselves, to seek out help and aid WITHOUT having the legal status obtained from health care as "Ok, now you're allowed to make your daily life easier at home, like eating from paper plates instead of regular plates to avoid dishes, as you pass as disabled enough".
The level of disability is not a competition, nor it should be behind gate keeping. If your health - whether mental of physical - affects your daily life significantly - so that you need to plan your daily life around your disease, whatever it is - you're not ablebodied and you're allowed to find ways to make your life easier. And, if the disabilities are very severe, as I think it is in your case based on what you told me, then people need to be allowed to find the help from the society, doctor, law etc.
I won't discuss about this matter more. I've said my version of this - as a disabled person myself, too.
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