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humongousgothskeletonfarm · 9 months ago

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TSC CHAPTER ELEVEN SPOILERS AHEAD

STARTING OFF THE CHAPTER STRONG AS FUCK DISASTER BISEXUAL JEAN MOREAU AWARENESS

picturing jean in a pair of raybans is good for my mental health

“Missed a couple spots. Need a hand?”

jeremy u flirt

do the trojans ever realise that jean is NOT IN FACT deaf and standing right in front of them when they are talking about him?

oh ok so chapter 11 is in fact worse than chapter 10

if anyone reading this has ever believed that they deserved the abuse, trauma/suffering they’ve experienced, i’m here to tell u right now that nobody deserves that and it is not ever ur fault, no matter what others might say or try to convince u. whatever happened to u is unequivocally not ok. please seek help from a professional if u are worried about urself or others in ur life.

if u have ever felt uncomfortable or violated in certain situations just know that no matter how ‘big’ or ‘small’ the situation may seem (i use these terms loosely because i do not believing in ranking peoples traumas), ur feelings are 100% valid and u always always deserve to be respected and heard.

i hope u know that u are not alone and never will be.

sending lots of love to all of u

wtff jenkins is a girl?? did we all know this or have i just read too many fanfics always thought jenkins was a guy?

It was sacrilegious even in the privacy of his head, and Jean hunched his shoulders against a blow that never came.

fuck that’s a good line. traumatic as fuck and makes me wanna cry for all these boys have gone through but god as an ex-catholic raised queer person i can tell u this line struck hard even though i cant relate to the specifics of the scene

Jean didn’t mind cooking, but he didn’t say that. This was the first time his room truly felt safe and right, and he was content to hold onto it for as long as he could. He closed his eyes again, but now his thoughts were snagged on Jeremy. At length he broke the silence to say, “Two beds would fit in here.”

jean moreau u are so loved

“You are not them,” Jean said. “Kevin would not have sent me here if you were.”

THE PARALLELS IN THIS BOOK ARE FUCKING KILLING ME PLS NORA LET ME LIVE IN PEACE THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE

ANDREIL EXISTS IN EVERYTHING

Just because he had to meet with this man didn’t mean he had to speak to him.

jean, u diss aaron earlier in the books but really ur just the same as him

betsy dobson to the mother fuckibg rescue someone get this bitch a ‘worlds best therapist’ mug

and jean, dude do u know how fucking similar u and neil are, seriously like u guys should be besties like-

“It was not my choice,” he sent back in warning. “I do not need counseling.�� He didn’t trust her at all, but there was no point spelling it out.

CHAPTER TWELVEE

dude wtf is it with me and napping while tryna finish this book, literally just accidentally fell asleep for 2.5 hrs when i could’ve been reading

“Imagine getting changed so we can practice,” Jean said.

king is fed uppp

“It’s not about size, anyway.” “Defensive,” Jean said, tugging his glove straps with his teeth. Jeremy straightened in indignation. “I don’t have anything to be defensive about.” Jean lost his grip and bit his lip, and Jeremy hurried on before either of them could think too much about that double entendre.

OKKKK JEREMY I SEE U

“That’s not—I do care. I want you to play with us, and I want you to have fun again. I want to see what you can do on the court and what you bring to our defense line. I want us to finally win this year after coming so close and failing too many times. But it’s just a game, Jean. Your safety and happiness will always be more important than our season.”

GOOD GOD ITS WHAT U DESERVE JEAN

“Every time you say that you take a year off my life. I’d really like to live to ninety, so please knock it off.”

now the trojans understand how the foxes feel when neil whips out his ‘im fine’ line,, also i’m never gonna stop saying that neil and jean should be besties it’s literally just a fact

“I do not believe you when you are drinking such filth,” Jean said, with a disapproving look toward her drink. Laila stared him down as she sucked a long gulp through the straw,

this book is so devastatingly depressing and explores some of the most horrible traumatic things that could happen to a person but it’s interspersed with some of the funniest scenes that it gives me whiplash

“Pat and Ananya have wanted to fuck Cody’s brains out for almost a year now. I really thought Cody moving in with them this summer was going to finally get that ball moving, but apparently not. It’s getting kind of pitiful.” “Pat and Ananya have been engaged almost as long as Cody has known them,” Laila pointed out as she fit herself against Cat’s side. “You can’t blame Cody for being scared of where they might belong in something like that.”

NORA GIVING US THE POLYAMORY WE DESERVE AFTER CUTTING KANDREIL FROM THE OG BOOKS LETS GO QUEER REP

YK THAT RUNNING JOKE THAT USC IS THE QUEEREST TEAM AND NOBODY HAS AS MANY GAYS AS THEY DO??? IM SO FUCKIBG HAPPY NORA HAS BASICALLY MADE THAT CANNON

CHAPTER 13333

jeremy is so hopelessly crushing on jean and that’s real of him

meanwhile jean:

Threat assessment, he told himself, and it was almost the truth.

sureee buddy

They’d arrived holding hands and dressed in matching cream-and-teal outfits. Even their gold-rimmed sunglasses and teal sneakers were identical.

well that is definitely an outfit!

“Speaking of happy endings, has Laila bought you a sex toy yet?”

EXCUSE ME

this whole scene was so fucking random but jean deserves great friendships

ANOTHER TRANS TROJAN LETS FYCKING GOOOOOO CONGRATS ON UR TOP SURGERY XAVIER

‘i’m sure the ravens wouldn’t have taken neil in if they’d known he was the son of a mob boss!!’

uhhhhh…

i don’t know how to tell u this buddy

dude i just cannot stop think about the whole new world of fanfics we’re gonna get now that tsc has come out like the aftg universe is expanding and becoming more detailed it’s gonna be crazy

chapter 14!!!

Jean eyed him. “For what purpose?” Jeremy looked to the ceiling for patience. “For fun.” Jean sighed as if Jeremy was the one being unreasonable.

oh jean we’ll get there eventually

Jean was a starving dog on a short chain who’d learned years ago not to bite back.

OH MY FUCKING GOD GIVE ME PEACE

MY CHEST IS ACHING AT THIS METAPHOR

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP THE PARALLELS ARE DESTROYING ME I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE

“You are Jean Moreau. Your place is here with me, with us. I’m your captain. You’re my partner. We’re supposed to be doing this together, aren’t we? Stop leaving me behind. Look at me.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that he hurt you, I’m sorry that you’re still afraid to talk about it, and I’m sorry that you think I’ll never understand. I’m sorry that he tricked you into thinking you deserved it. But I’m not sorry he’s gone. I can’t be.”

“Neither am I.”

TEAR MY HEART OUT AND STOMP ON IT NORA JESUS CHRIST

everytime one of the trojans says ‘we’re here to listen whenever your ready to talk and open up to us’ and then they go and demand he tell them every secret he’s ever kept

kevin and jeans relationship in this book is so fucking well written, it’s tearing me apart and giving me so much life

they have so much shared trauma and the relationship is so complex but they understand eachother so deeply

He is not used to having a voice, and he has never had power. I cannot promise he will ever talk to you.” “I will wait as long as it takes,”

“Be careful with it,” Kevin said. “Be careful with him.”

“Night practices with Andrew and Neil,” Kevin said. “Obsessed,” Jeremy

exy fiend kevin day representation

also

“No, Jean is fine. As fine as he can be, anyway. Yes, I know.” (kevin when talking to someone ‘offscreen’) i just know he was talking to neil

She crossed the room and leaned over, catching Jean’s head in her hands so she could plant a kiss to the top of his head.

this is the love jean deserves

chapter 15:

“Your fourth line has a smart mouth, Coach,” Jean said. “I was hoping he would bite his tongue off in the fall and save us both some grief in the long run.”

jean i love u

Jean wished he had the common sense to shut up,

he’s so me

“And keep Kevin’s name out of your ignorant mouth,”

THEYRE SO IMPORTANT TO ME UR HONOUR

i keep forgetting that jean only learnt english after he moved into evermore and that kevin probably taught him but i love the subtle little reminders every now and then when he has to clarify a word, like when he has to ask what a ‘floozy’ is and:

due to egregious injuries.” Jean didn’t recognize that word, but since Lucas was already running his mouth, he didn’t get a chance to ask.

it’s such a good detail that just adds so much more depth to his character

“Permission to break his face, Coach?” Jean asked. “Denied,” White said.

SCREAMING

THIS IS SO NEIL AND WYMACK CODED I LOVE IT

JEAN MOREAU ON A MOTHERFUCKING MOTORCYCLE HOLY SHIT

catalina alvarez u wonderful human i love u

jean realising how big the world is and the fact that he’s explored more of california than any other place he’s been before is making me tear up he never should’ve been kept trapped inside he deserves to see the world

So long as she existed as fractured memories, she was safe and small and sheltered.

oh god don’t do this to me

Jean gazed out at the endless horizon, feeling small and infinite from one moment to the next.

beautiful, just beautiful, absolutely immaculate

A cool evening breeze. Rainbows. Open roads.

A COOL EVENING BREEZE. RAINBOWS. OPEN ROADS

SECOND LAST CHAPTER!!! LETS GOOO

“He is not going to hit you. Okay? We don’t do that here. You said you’d try to do better and that’s enough for us.”

starting off strong

You’re one of my kids now.

don’t mind me i’m just sobbing

no no no no no no no no no

holy shit no what the fucking fuck

don’t do this to jean rn oh my fucking god i’m sick to my stomach on the verge of fully crying right now

actually dreading reading on right now

um ok yeah so i read it and to anyone who hasn’t finished the book yet beware there is a graphic violent scene followed by an intense panic attack in chapter 16 that’s is very difficult to read

i did cry and all i can say is thank fuck for lisinski’s timing

Jeremy’s response was low but unhesitating: “I will not look away.” “I do not want you to look.” It frightened him how much it sounded like a lie,

only redeeming part of this chapter is that neil’s back but i’m still in so much shock over what’s just happened that i cant properly appreciate him

chapter 17 the finale:

feeling incredibly somber as i reach the end of the book

please god destroy anyone who has ever hurt jean moreau

nora’s really filling in all the plot holes left from aftg - why did nobody question why neil’s hair was dyed after evermore ????? why did nobody question neil being at evernote in the first place???

i’m laughing at neil’s map print-outs he’s so uncool, also i keep forgetting this is still meant to be 2007

jean-yves moreau oh my fucking god

“says who?” Stuart asked. “The dead kid?

stuart hatford u are so funny, is this where neil inherited is sarcasm from?

stuart hatford says fuck riko and so do i

Neil shrugged. “Do you have anyone who can take on local work?”

NEIL JOSTEN U ARE MY HERO I LOVE U U BADASS MOTHER FUCKER

Neil offered her a disarming smile that would never sit quite right on his face.

devouring these scraps about my boy

YOOOO WTF NORA RLLY JUST WANTED TO GIVE JEAN THE WORST FUCKING DAY HE COULD POSSIBLY HAVE HUH?? JUST DROPPED THE FACT THAT HIS SISTER IS DEAD MY POOR BOY

Neil filled in the finer details with an ease that would have been impressive to listen to any other day

- yes neil is incredibly smart, thank u jean for confirming to us

The only thing left to ask for was something he barely understood: “I want to go home.”

oh the complicated nature of home and one’s sense of belonging that persists throughout these books will never fail to make me feel absolutely everything. nora knows exactly what i want in a book

“I can see the kitchen. There should be a door out to where the dumpsters are. We can make it back to the garage from there.”

to be loved by neil josten is to be offered a way to evade the fbi together

“Tedious,” Neil said. “I’m trying to eat.”

my hero

Neil waited until he was done before deciding he wanted to finish his drink. Neither agent was impressed with their absolute lack of urgency,

i love u neil josten pls give me ur autograph

Neil, being the person he was, pointed at the fire hydrant adjacent to its front bumper and said, “That’s illegal, just so you know.” “Shut up and get in the car.”

i wish neil josten was real

He couldn’t fear a government who was so easily infiltrated and manipulated

FUCK THE GOVERNMENT

Neil flipped his takeout box open and started eating. “I’m allowed to visit people.”

he’s everything to me 🥰

“You’re one to accuse others of intolerable attitudes,” Browning said, and Neil only shrugged indifference.

and—for once—without any of your usual bullshit.”

- browning u love him just like the rest of us don’t lie rn

ngl i’m never getting over the fact that jean and neil are the same age like this is crazy to me nora whyd u have to do this i cant cope

“The more people I hold onto, the less of a threat I am, because I won’t want to endanger them by acting out.”

oh neil look how far uve come, i’m so proud

“Lock your door tonight if it will help, but Grayson will never bother you again.”

THANK U LORD FOR THE BRILLIANT NEIL JOSTEN HES ANSWERED MY PRAYERS U BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL HUMAN IM SO THANKFUL FOR UR PRESENCE

all my favourite bamf! neil fics have him taking out a hit on someone for the benefit of the people he loves and i’m so glad that’s canon

i’m going fucjing crazy i didnt think it was possible to love neil anymore than i already do

best friends ❤️

jean tearing up and throwing away the notebooks and realising he trusts the trojans and the four of them going to eat one of cats new recipes after they waited up last midnight for him

A COOL EVENING BREEZE RAINBOWS OPEN ROADS AND FRIENDS

!!!!!

I CSNT BELIEVE ITS OVERRRRR I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS HOLY FUCK

#aftg #all for the game #tsc #tsc spoilers #the sunshine court #jean moreau #jerejean #jeremy knox #catalina alvarez #laila dermott #neil josten #david wymack #stuart hatford #nora sakavic

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the-girl-wh0-cries-w0lf · 1 year ago

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You're waiting for a train...(4)

Painted Windmills

Robert Fischer x reader

description - Eames and Y/n embark on their intel operation and Eames only has one rule for Y/n; do not be seen.

word count - 2.4k

warnings - hospitals, blood (so minor tho), sadness

a/n - finally we have them meeting!!! Also I know some people may disagree with Eames' reactions in this but remember he is thinking about how this job is important for Cobb and Y/n.

Previous Part Series Master list Master list

If you want to be added to the taglist - here

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Eames led me in with his hand on my back in faux professionalism but with genuine care. We had dressed up all nice and proper for our first day. The thick black dress hugged my curves in a way I was not used to, and revealed my legs way more than I could stand. It felt constricting compared with the jeans (which I’d had for years) and baggy shirts I usually wore on jobs. I fixed my newly acquired fake glasses and my disguise was complete.

We walked up the stone steps to the house that loomed like my private gallows. Why was I so nervous? Eames was right next to me, and this was hardly the first intel operation I’d done with him.

I wobbled about in my precarious heels and my ankles practically gave out when I reached the fourth step. My embarrassment was saved by Eames’ quick grasp of my elbow, righting me lest I draw attention to our entrance.

Our fancy dress shoes clinked in synchronisation and stopped to face each other before we breached the fateful doors. One last debrief.

“What are we here to do?” Eames prepped me.

“Gather as much information about the father-son relationship and see what we can use to our advantage. And you’re going to be studying Browning to mimic his movement, mannerisms, and speech.” I completed with pride.

“Very good baby Cobb.”

“Hey! I vetoed that nickname!”

“The most important thing is don’t be seen.” I raised my eyebrow at his ridiculous request. “You know what I mean, don’t draw attention to yourself. And whatever you do, don’t talk to Fischer.”

I laughed at how serious he looked holding my gaze. I tried to leave to go in, thinking the conversation was done. But I was held in place by his hand on my arm.

“Don’t talk to Robert.” He tilted his head, and I felt the meaning of his words. He’d seen me with the picture. I shucked his hand off my arm and left abruptly.

“Don’t be ridiculous!” I seethed.

He met the quick pace I had formed so he didn’t see the distress I felt at his distrust. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust me, he thought he needed to manage me. Take care of me. Like I was a child.

We both arrived at the top of a dark oak staircase that exuded the feel of wealth and prosperity. The house was so quiet that my heels were like a gunshot in a library. I began to tilt my head up to look at the expanse of the house in wonder. It seemed it had more shadows than glimmers of light. The house choked on its own emptiness.

“Mr and Mrs Trent?” A perky blonde approached us as we walked around the first floor aimlessly.

I panicked at her assumption. “No, no, no, no. We are not a couple—not even--. Miss James.” I shoved out my hand hoping she and I would both forget my stuttering. Great first impression.

She reluctantly met my hand. “Okay, I see well if you both come this way, we can get you started. There is quite a lot to do due to Mr Fischer’s declining health. You will both be responsible for sorting through the different files; making sure, if an account is prepared, it is filed away, and if it’s not, it is highlighted to be looked at.” Eames’ and I’s mouths ached from the smiles we were forcing towards Little Miss Big Boobs.

But we both righted our faces to make it seem like we were focused on the 'challenging' task rather than admitting this kind of work was trivial compared to our own jobs. We placed our bags down, took the exaggerated lapel badges handed to us, and began to quickly complete our task. We had previously discussed that we would complete the task first, not wanting to have hindered the Fischer empire any more than we were already going to, then go about our snooping.

I opened my first file, quickly read it, then assigned it it’s place. I’d always had a mind that worked faster than most. Arthur used to joke that my projections run rather than walk. This meant general schoolwork had seemed mundane to me when I was a child. Kids can be cruel to the kid who always finishes first. No one likes a show off.

After I had read my 10th file in less than 5 minutes, I noticed Eames was gesturing and mouthing something towards me.

‘SLOW DOWN’ Ah I forgot. Don’t draw attention to yourself.

My job here wasn’t exactly defined, by Fischer or Eames.

Eames trailed Browning like a shadow, subtly mimicking every move in a sort of dress rehearsal. I tracked him with my gaze, in awe at his skill. Partially because his skill was slick enough to pass between everyone’s tired eyes.

All at once, a commotion began around my section. Some balshy intern had decided to push Browning for an answer on question he didn’t want to hear. He went on to sarcastically suggest that the intern should bring the question to Maurice himself. He strutted away and drove open the large double doors that blanketed the room. When the oak parted I found myself moving away from my corner to peek into the scene revealed.

Maurice Fischer lay on his hospital bed surrounded by equipment which stood in contrast to the dark interior that sat around them. Browning walked through and instead of approaching Fischer senior; he made his way to the window where a man stood. His back was to me, but his figure was distinguished. My feet edged me forward a little more.

“Argghh” Maurice flailed out his arms. In his frenzy, he had knocked down a picture from his bedside. The man turned at the noise and it was there I saw the face I had longed to see. Robert Fischer.

He moved to pick up the picture with a sort of meekness. And as he looked up to his father there was a sense of shame there. As if he was once again the height of a young boy. He rose, broken picture scarring his hand. I see Browning and Fischer exchange words. I inch forward more so that my frame centres in the doorway. Suddenly…

“Mr Browning, I have some—” CRASH.

The balshy intern from before slams into my shoulder and knocks me onto the floor. Papers fly everywhere and I audibly wince when my knees come in contact with the hardwood floor. Shit.

I compose myself, trying not to consider how obvious I just made myself. As I slide my pages back together, 2 more hands join my own. I stop in my tracks, registering the person before me. I reluctantly look up and fall into a pool of blue.

“Are you okay?” I sharply intake.

He studies my face as I fail to speak. When I see him poised for an answer, my brain snaps back.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

*Robert’s pov*

“I put it there.” My finger drags down the cracked memory. “He didn’t even notice.”

My thoughts are overtaken when a loud crash reverberates throughout the room. My head snaps up, annoyed at the offending noise, but when I look up, I am overcome. I see a girl on the floor struggling to clean up her mess. I rush to her aid, glaring at the man who had knocked her down. As I passed him, I gently stated,

“You’re fired.” He goes to argue but retreats back into the office.

I kneel in front of her rushed attempt at clearing up and chuckle at how she had just seemed to make more mess in her haste.

“Are you okay?” She met my eyes and my breath caught as I fully took her in. She was beautiful.

Minute long seconds passed of us just gazing. I could have stayed there a lifetime if she let me.

“Yes, I am fine. I am so sorry about the mess; I’ll clean it up and I’d understand if you want me to leave.” I stopped her rambling by clasping her hand in mine. I then picked strands of her hair to place behind her ears to reveal more of the face she was trying to hide. Her spew of words was like music to me and what interested me even more were her little laughs between thoughts, as if apologetic for what she said.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

*your pov*

My sputtering was pathetic, but I was rendered speechless when he held my hand. I quickly retracted the offending limb to push up my glasses as if they could save me now. My thoughts were equally filled with his words but also my warnings. I had to leave and tell Eames the mistake I’d made so we could rectify it.

Together we had collected the papers into a transportable pile, and I stood up. But I braved it too quickly and found myself stumbling in my heels once again. Robert hadn’t let go of me even as I stood up, making sure I was okay. My leg which had gone numb from my position on the floor gave out and pushed me into Robert’s awaiting arms.

I let myself sink further into the perfect feeling of being in his warmth. He felt like a warm beach in the afternoon sun. But I quickly remembered my place. I jumped back in fright.

“You’re bleeding!” Robert exclaimed. As I stumbled back, he had noticed drops of blood adorning my newly scraped knee.

“Oh, it’s nothing.” I tried to placate his worry as I began to make my way to the exit.

“No, come, I’ll clean it up.” He grasped my hand and led me through his father’s room despite my protests.

“Mr Fischer, please, you are far too busy. I can sort it myself.” We had made it through another door that led into a room which was so uniquely childlike.

“Please, I’ve been looking for an excuse to leave.” He smirked at me and led me to sit down on the window seat. He went to a drawer for plasters and then another for disinfectant. He moved about the room with assuredness. He returned and lifted my leg so that it rested over his knees. I tugged down the end of my short-ish dress. He opened the disinfectant and dabbed it with cotton wool. As he went about this, I took in the room around me.

It felt busy but not cluttered. In the middle of the back wall sat a single bed with light blue cotton sheets. The sheets were decorated with multi-coloured windmills. The white bedside tables held many trinkets of a young boy. The chest of drawers was home to more pictures and framed memories. My head lifted higher, and I saw the sky painted blue and it held wooden planes that flew around the room with a freedom I believe the owner wished he had.

“This is your room, isn’t it.” I whispered.

He didn’t look up from my scar. “Yes.” He chuckled. “Not that I stay in it.”

We both laughed. “I could see you still squeezing into that.” I pointed to the neatly made bed.

“I have thought about it.” He remarked.

I braved my next words. “Or maybe you just want to sleep in a simpler time.” Our eyes met again.

I noticed a familiar picture which sat on the chest. And I realised it was the same one that rested on the window seat between us, covered by Robert’s jacket.

“Is that you and your dad?” I mentally smacked myself for such a stupid question.

“Yeah.” He spoke.

“How old are you here?” I picked up the delicate frame. I smiled at the picture of a young Robert blowing on a handmade windmill, sat in his father’s lap. I could feel the love radiating from this image. It now seemed so different to the coldness one felt in this house.

“10. The nurse said he may respond to being surrounded by happy memories. That was the happiest day of my life.” He placed his arms around me to join mine on the frame. “I just didn’t think that it might not be one for him.” As I turned to face him, I realised how close we were. One gentle slip and our lips would touch. Each exhale was felt on the others face. “There’s something. Have we met before?”

What was I doing?!

I retreated back, freeing myself from his arms. I had to leave. Find Eames and get out of here.

“I am so sorry, but I have to go—I just—I--.” I barely even finished a sentence as I ran out, back to the office. I threw my hair in front of my face as if that would help me now. Eames, Eames, EAMES!

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

*Robert’s pov*

I ran back to catch her before she left. I was unsuccessful so I asked Browning. She’d left so quickly I’d never even gotten her name. But I knew I needed it.

“That intern, what’s her name?” I asked my godfather.

“I don’t know, why? Where did you just go off to?” He responded.

“I’ve had to be numb to a lot in my life, but just then I felt something.” I would see that girl again if it’s the last thing I do. "Something real."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

*your pov*

Eames and I were safely in our rental car, driving back to the warehouse. Eames seemed pleased at his progress and thankfully hadn’t noticed my absence.

“I have Browning down to a T and I think he is going to be the key. If we can somehow get Robert’s own projection of Browning to—” As he prattled on, I struggled to quieten my breathing after my speedy getaway. All I could do was watch the world pass by my window, willing my mind to forget everything that just happened. How Cinderella of me.

“You, okay?” Eames looked over to me concerned.

“Yeah. I think the bad relationship with the father is the way in. Everything about that dynamic is so…broken.” I softly spoke.

“Nice. I like a good gap to sneak through.” I rolled my eyes at his childishness but also couldn’t help but laugh.

“He saw me.” I admitted.

The car came to a grinding halt. I sat cowering hearing Eames’ heavy sighs. “I’m sorry.” I managed to stumble out through my choked throat. Eames’ head hung low in his hands.

“Why?” he huffed out.

“I didn’t really have much control over it!” I argued back. This wasn’t a complete lie, in more ways than one. It had to happen. “Please don’t tell my dad, I can’t have him thinking I blew this whole case. Because I didn’t okay, because it’s fixable! You know that! Please you can help me fix it!” I was now begging Eames by scrambling at his coat to force him to look into my apologetic eyes.

“I thought you were better than that.” He spat.

“So did I.” I slumped back in my seat. A minute of silence passed. We both just stewed in it.

“I won’t tell your dad.” I let out a breath I hadn’t realised I’d been holding on to. “But-“ I gave him my entire focus. “You mustn’t get distracted. Promise?” He held his pinkie out to me. I giggled remembering fondly.

“I promise.” I finished, linking my pinkie with his and then we both kissed our thumbs together whilst making a corresponding sound.

We drove off once more. Eames satisfied in the promise he’d made me make. I was terrified that I would break it.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

a/n - they've finally met!!

taglist: @jonsncws @h-l-vlovesvintage @theethy @fashionki11a @felicity1994 @bearchermer

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statementlou · 9 months ago

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my post yesterday about why I don't really care if Louis Tomlinson supports starbucks shocked me by actually circulating and getting notes and obviously I like validation and appreciation.... but I feel kind of weird about my big contribution to the topic being something that might come off as discouraging attempts to help Palestine. Feeling powerless in the face of such injustice is horrible and scary and traumatizing and while there are certain things that I do not think make much difference (like boycotting irrelevant targets), that's NOT how I feel about the situation in general! We CAN make a difference and help the Palestinian people! It can feel impossible to fight against all that power and propaganda and military might- but it has been done successfully over and over, colonialism has been destroyed in one place after another a hundred times in the last century, apartheid regimes have fallen, occupations have ended, because over and over, always, even all the military might in the literal world is less powerful than a united front of the PEOPLE. As Ursula K LeGuin said, "We live in capitalism. Its power seems inescapable. So did the divine right of kings. Any human power can be resisted and changed by human beings", and as Louis Tomlinson said "The power and magic comes from the people, you guys. Don't undermine your role in all of this" and "get off the 'gram and into the streets"!

Under the cut are things you can do that I believe actually directly impact the Palestinian people and the Israeli government, including some easy ones, and the key to a successful movement is to have every type of contribution, to have NUMBERS. However- it is also necessary to have people willing to do the actual work of fighting injustice, not just changing their consumer habits or yelling at people online. I strongly encourage people to explore becoming physically involved in activist work, and not to see it as yet another tiring obligation but rather as a way to help yourself feel less overwhelmed and exhausted. Feeling powerless and defenseless is a trauma that follows us into every corner of our lives, but standing up and working for change can not only save lives, but is good for your own mental health as well, I promise.

I can't make you an exhaustive list of resources, only tell you some tactics that I believe are actually useful. I'm not an expert or whatever, but I have been actively involved in social justice advocacy, activism, and direct action for over 20 years and am drawing on that history of both things that worked and were great and things that were not from my personal experiences. Thank you to @captainrayzizuniverse for helping me (but she didn't see the post any stupid things said by mistake are entirely on me), and especially for pointing out a big (typical white person) slip up, which was to almost forget the very first item on this list: Listen to, support, and amplify Palestinian voices!!! The whole starbucks issue wouldn't even exist if people just went by this single important guideline and did the things Palestinians were asking for rather than making up other things to do instead. In life altogether, and speaking as a disabled person god does this come up a lot: if you want to help someone, start by asking them what they need and then do that even if it isn't what you think they should want. Don't fucking wing it!! Join local groups organizing for Palestine: the people united are powerful, but only if they are united and working in large groups! Join a group! This is hard because... how? who? And I can't answer that for everyone but I can tell you that in the US JVP (Jewish Voice for Peace) is doing a huge amount of very accessible recruiting, you can just join (you don't need to be Jewish) and get involved straightaway in the great actions they're putting on. PYM (Palestinian Youth Movement) is not open to everyone to join but you should definitely follow them on SM to keep up on actions and maybe find ways to support. If you're a student I bet there is some kind of group at your school?

Go to protests: protest works, period. The general politician rule of thumb is that anyone who bothers to actually go out and march represents 10-100 voters. When they look at the numbers (like- '500-1000 people protested the most recent bill you signed') they do this math and they worry. But also honestly if it's something you can manage- it's good for you. It helps. Even if you just go alone and don't talk to anyone, being in a crowd of hundreds of people feeling the same things you are, caring as much as you do, it helps. If you can, yell along to the chants as loud as you can. Get fired up and use that energy to keep going and not despair!

Call and write officials: if you live in the US or UK this is HUGE. What I said above about how they count people at protests as standing for more people who didn't bother but agree? Same with phone calls for sure, it REALLY pressures them. Many orgs make this really easy- I get emails all the time with links to send a letter in a single click or click to call and all you have to do is read the script, get on some lists I guess? But many sites also have this feature, JVP does for example

Support BDS: the Palestinian led BDS have been doing the work of isolating and chipping away at Israel for 19 years and like I said, the actions of the masses only work if we are united behind a few strategic targets rather than all over the place; they have made this possible. It's good to avoid buying from the companies they target; even better to work on the big divestment campaigns. For example, student groups pressuring the big universities to divest from BDS targets echo the successful University divestment efforts that helped end apartheid in South Africa.

Send money: money helps, immediately and concretely, and again if we are many, each person doesn't have to do a lot. Do what you can spare, it all adds up. This has been painful with Gaza for sure, with millions donating but aid being blocked. I don't have The Answer but here's a group I found that actually seems to be getting aid in, and here's a spread sheet of gofundmes- note that people who have foreign passports do not have to pay the horrible border crossing fees, so you may wish to focus on funding those who don't have that privilege. this could maybe be better and there was some other stuff I wanted to say about doing activism to tie up the "activism as self care" thing from above and also bringing it back around to talk about Louis more but I'm tired and I'm hungry right now and this is a lot already. So. Bye lol sorry. send me asks if any of that is something you care about or want to hear

#yes the first Louis quote is kind of just me being silly I know he was referring to live music... but also he SAID IT #and those words have power regardless of the context and I believe it is an ethos he believes in #and the second thing is literally something he posted from an actual protest. my guy!! 🥰#palestine #blah blah blah #starbucks discourse

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aceofwhump · 5 months ago

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Hi Ace! Any advice for this newfound adult? (18)

ALSO ALSO I love your page so much its literally one of the bestEST!!! In my eyes you're like a whump celebrity! 😀🔥

Asdfghjkl omg thank you so much!!! You're too kind! I'm glad you enjoy my blog! And hello! Welcome to the adult world! It sucks! lol sorry. I'm not the best at adulting at all but sure I can share some advice. Some things I've learned since turning 18:

Other adults are just as dumb as you feel. We're all drowning and have no idea what we're doing so it's okay to feel like you have nothing down and don't know what you're doing. Cause we all feel like that. We're all just kids trying to make our way in the world.

Work should not be the center of your world. Work is supposed to be the place you go to make money so you can live your life. Don't let it take over your life. Don't let the frustrations of work destroy your mental health. No job is worth that. If it gets to be too much and it's affecting your health, it's time to find another job.

Maintaining friendships can be harder as you reach adulthood because schedules get crazy and people move and such but it's so worth the work. It won't be as easy as it was in high school because you're not gonna see people every day. You have to work hard to make time to see people and remember to text your friends every now and then even if it's just a "hey I'm thinking about you" or sending them a funny gif or video. Make the effort. Reach out to people you care about. Tell them you care about them.

Now I don't know your home life but as someone who still lives with their parents and has never moved out, THAT'S OKAY TO DO. You are not required to move out as soon as possible just to say your an adult. Life is hard and expensive and sometimes it's nice to have people to come home to.

Don't worry about what others think of you. Wear what you want, enjoy your hobbies whatever they may be, eat what you want, live you life for yourself. Not for others. You'll be happier. Trust me.

Go out there and try things!! You're young! Do things! You never know what you might find until you look.

Learn how to budget but remember that it's okay to spend money on "stupid stuff" that makes you happy. Go ahead and buy that stuffed animal or toy you've wanted since you were a kid.

Lists are very helpful for keeping track of important dates, chores to do, bills to pay. Makes lists. Keep them up on the fridge or a bulletin board above your computer.

Take care of your health. Brush your teeth, try to eat healthy, go outside for a walk, etc.

The best advice I got concerning credit cards was this: use one for big purchases but only use it when you have the money in your bank account to pay for the item. So like, go buy a chair with your credit card and then as soon as you can, pay the credit card bill with the money you should have in the bank. That way you don't end up going into massive credit card debt because you're spending money you don't have.

Be patient.

Be open to new things and meeting new people.

Be kind but take no shit. You never know what the other person is going through and we all handle stress and fear in different ways. It never hurts to just be kind when you can. When you can't be kind? Take no shit. Don't let someone walk over. Stand up for yourself.

Wear sunscreen!!!

Find a hobby. And I mean something you do just for yourself that has nothing to do with making any money. Create something. Learn to crochet or knit or make things with wood or draw or build legos or sew or cosplay or write or make movies or photography. SOMETHING that lets you use your hands and that you do just for yourself because it makes you happy. It's also a great way to meet people. Most of my friends I've met through my hobbies. Hobbies are great for your mental health

Put the phone down sometimes and just be in the moment. Just enjoy life for a bit without thinking about taking photos for social media.

Work hard but don't kill yourself. It's good to work hard and have a good work ethic but remember to take a break and don't push yourself beyond your limits.

GO THRIFTING!!! I can't say that one enough. People tend to look down on places like Good Will, Savers, and thrift stores but I can buy a brand new couch for like 30 dollars at these places. I have bought an entire wardrobe for next to nothing. Go thrifting. You'll find some really great things for cheap.

Ask for help when you need it. It's not shameful to ask for help. And that's for everything. Don't understand something at work? Ask a coworker or manager. Not sure how to cook something? Ask a friend or family member if they know how. Struggling with your mental health? Ask for help from a friend or family member. ASK FOR HELP

And finally, there is no deadline or boxes you need to mark off to be considered an "adult". You don't have to get married, buy a house, have kids, etc. to be successful at adulting. Live your life how you want to live your life.

Good luck nonny!!!!

#mod replies #ask #personal #stuff i've learned #is it good advice? i hope so but i'm still learning how to do all this stuff too

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tavyliasin · 5 months ago

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Disability Pride Essays - Shadowheart, Memory Loss, Depression, and Invisible Chronic Pain

We’re at our last Origin Character for the Disability Month Essays, so it’s time to dive into the most mysterious of the starting companions. Shadowheart has quite a complex story as it relates to physical and mental health, as well as how the two can be inextricably linked to one another too. There’s a lot to look at in how she progresses through the game, from how her story can follow different paths, to her own relationship to her sense of self and memories. So let’s start off once again with our warnings for the content that will follow, and you can then choose if you are in the right headspace to proceed with the discussion or if it’s best skipped or saved for another day. I’ll be taking a look at the difficulties of memory loss through a variety of causes, from PTSD to degenerative conditions. I’m also going to mention some of the deeper aspects of depression and potentially a few of the less helpful coping mechanisms for that. Shall we?

What is Shadowheart’s Disability?

Shadowheart’s main issues are quite clear from the beginning of the game, with her lack of most memories and a very casual attitude to how it is affecting her. We also catch glimpses at times of the pain, which might be something that people who experience fluctuating pain conditions - and particularly nerve pain issues - may well identify as they look on screen. Once we get deeper though, we see more aspects akin to depression and trauma - her lack of care for whatever it is she’s missing in here memory with the adamant denial that “it must be so terrible there was a reason I don’t want to remember” or simply that Shar knows best. There’s also a potential thought further on her mental health, as she pins her entire identity and life goals on what someone else has decided for her.

How Do We See The Disability In The Game?

We have quite a clear progression in Shadowheart’s story, with the big twist in the middle of whether she can be convinced to take the harder path to healing (and the fun “reinvent yourself by changing your hair/look” is quite common in those struggling with mental health) or whether she leans in to the nihilism and darker thoughts. The early sections also show more of the pain coming out of nowhere, as she grips her hand, looks to be in obvious distress, yet soon minimises her own suffering because there are more important things that she needs to do and worry about. The impact really comes from how the lack of memories impacts her decision making and even her interactions with others. Once she regains her memories, realises what she has been made to give up, there’s a marked difference in how Shadowheart relates to both those around her and herself as well. A lot of it is shown through her relationship to the very-real-in-Faerun gods Shar and Selune, though you could easily think of these instead as literal representations of Loss and Depression vs Hope and Healing.

How Does This Reflect Real Life?

In real life, we don’t have spiteful deities and cult-like church leaders physically stripping memories from our minds, or an angelic being helping us to restore them, but there are plenty of conditions that can cause temporary and permanent memory loss. One that is sometimes controversial in the field of psychology is full memory repression - which is where a person’s mind, upon encountering a deeply traumatic incident, will completely repress the traumatic memories in an attempt to protect the individual from the impact of them. It’s one of those automatic and not consciously decided coping strategies that the mind will utilise for self preservation - if you don’t remember the terrible thing, it can be as if it never happened to you. I’ll go into this in more detail in its own section later, but it is one of the ways we can interpret Shadowheart’s memory loss and probably the closest to her experience in real world terms. Other causes of memory loss can be literal physical injuries disrupting nerve pathways in the brain either losing the memory completely or temporarily blocking the ability to access it. Medication and other treatments can also cause temporary or permanent memory problems, as can a number of conditions such as dementia, stroke, seizures, and similar brain-related incidents. Aside from this, we have the physical pain that Shadowheart shows in her hand. When I saw this, I immediately felt that connection to my experience of chronic pain and particularly nerve conditions. These can cause a sudden flare up of pain with no cause - out of nowhere it can feel like someone has grabbed hold of your bones and crushed them, or that somehow there must be a wound in your shoulder because it hurts so suddenly and acutely… Similar to how Shadowheart doesn’t understand her own pain’s cause at first, it can be deeply frustrating and also terrifying to not know when you’re going to feel as if you’re being actively hurt by something.

But let’s take a deeper look at each of these, and how we can relate Shadowheart’s story to our own lives and better understand those around us too.

Sudden Onset Pain

I’m going to start with the simplest here - the pain. Most peoples’ experience of pain is that it is a cause and effect equation: There’s something making it hurt, and there is also something that will stop it from hurting (eg, medication, rest, heat packs, etc). Some disabilities, however, are marked by pain that does not have a cause or a cure. Something can hurt with no warning, no reason, and there will be nothing that can stop it from hurting. It’s unfair, it’s scary, and it can also be confusing and frustrating to those around us. That’s where we need patience, for our friends and loved ones to take a moment to realise this pain was not a choice and there’s not much we can do about it. There’s no healing potion, no spell or cleric or herb or simple prayer that will just make it go away, and it may hit at very inconvenient times for all of us. Do try to avoid the temptation to suggest treatments, and be aware that one very good way to make us feel better is for anyone telling us that diet or yoga will make it all better to be immediately removed from the vicinity - preferably by trebuchet, but the nearest door will do! Which is to say, well meaning concern and offers to help and advise aren’t what we need. We need companions who will stay with us, listen, understand that whilst we might be able to go adventuring one day we may not be able to manage the same thing the next day.

And, of course, that we are probably more frustrated than anyone else by having sudden onset and unpredictable symptoms prevent us from living our lives.

Trauma and PTSD

Let’s go a little deeper now, because it really is impossible to discuss Shadowheart’s story without looking at PTSD and the marked impact it has on her life and ability to function in the ways that she wants to. The biggest thing for her for a long time is around wolves - similar to how someone in real life might be chased or even bitten by a dog in childhood and develop a fear of them, Shadowheart similarly finds her nightmares filled by the phobia of wolves. We see this in how she reacts even to just a sound, but when faced by more we have those game stats showing the just how strong that fear reaction is. Connecting by tadpole, we catch glimpses of the tiny scraps of memory that it brings back out, but it doesn’t make sense to her. There isn’t enough there to put all the pieces together. That’s something that may well feel familiar to those who have experienced memory loss from PTSD - tiny shards of that fractured memory can linger in dreams, or rush to the surface in flashbacks when exposed to a triggering stimulus. A sound, a smell, a word, a phrase, a sight, a texture, a taste - any of the senses can be the key to reopening memories that have been repressed. What I mentioned above, flashbacks, those are arguably the most severe symptoms of PTSD. In these moments, a sufferer who has encountered the triggering stimulus will find their mind can begin to recreate the entire traumatic scenario. This could even include hallucinations, but is often marked by very strong emotions and a more dream/daydream/nightmare-like rush of memories and images and sensations. “Feeling like you’re back in that moment” is the key, whether it’s limited to the emotions of feeling everything that was felt at that time, or a far more direct reliving of the memories and experiences. In the game, Shadowheart is able to confront the source of her trauma incredibly directly, and in doing so to overcome that. Real life, unfortunately, rarely affords such simple solutions. Instead there’s a lot more work with the help and support of both trained professionals and loved ones, but it is still possible to recover. Just as we see Shadowheart in her Selunite ending - finding peace with herself, her family, and even learning to bond with animals again over time - so can we in real life take the time to do the hard work (and therapy really is work) to uncover the causes of the trauma and deal with them until they no longer impact our lives so severely. Which really is to say that even though it might seem impossible, like there are just too many mages in a battle casting darkness and unfair spells constantly, it’s a fight you can still win with the right party, training, and inventory.

Memory, Identity, and Depression

Now let’s focus in on the memories. Shadowheart presents us with a very distinct and severe memory loss, it’s quite clear cut at first as she can tell you what she remembers and that the rest is just not there. As we move forward into act 3, and also bringing her back to her home city surrounded by familiar things, that’s where we see her memories returning and stabilising again. She starts to identify things, talk about them, telling stories as they come back to her about her youth and the things she still recalls. This can be quite a strong parallel to a variety of memory issues, but particularly I feel this connecting to degenerative memory conditions like Dementia. This might sound odd, but there’s some strong suggestions that being around the familiar and stimulating the sufferer by talking with them often and encouraging them to talk about themselves can retain more memory. Whilst it might still fluctuate, inconsistent and changing from day to day, there can be more “good days” when that stimulus is there to bring up more positive memories. But aside from the basic mechanics of being able to remember, there’s also a core part of our identity that’s formed by our experiences. For Shadowheart, she has lost her name, her family, her past, and anything that Shar and Viconia decided she didn’t need to be able to fill the role they made for her. She pins everything for her future on a single goal, following orders and aiming to gain what she believes to be a prestigious position that she has always wanted. Becoming “Shadowheart”, hardening herself, ensuring she doesn’t allow herself to be “weak” or to fail the task assigned to her… It becomes an entire identity. There’s nothing beyond that at first, and her arc if she regains her memories becomes about regaining her identity and working out how to reconcile everything she strived so hard for with the full reality and what her new goals have become.

And there are parts of this that can mirror depression, too. Leaning on darker thoughts, going through the motions to complete tasks without much thought beyond that one goal, and also becoming very closed off to those around you. It’s very easy to see that if Shadowheart had remained on this path, isolated from all positive influences, she would’ve continued along it easily.

It is simply easier to go along with the day to day, to sink into the comfortable and not put in that work to change, and I realise as I’m writing this that it might sound as if I am blaming those struggling with depression for not fixing it, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I know very well that easy path, how it’s simpler to push people away than to let them in, how it can be far more comfortable to avoid unpleasant thoughts and memories than to face them head on.

There really is a common theme for a lot of us to try to dye our hair and change our look as we’re pulling out of that low place, to have that strong physical difference that reminds us we are moving forwards, but it does come with a risk. We need to reconcile our entire selves, rather than simply rejecting who we were or pretending that our struggle is gone completely. Similarly, Shadowheart finds her whole look changing, a very striking and physical difference that marks her turning away from Shar and the comfort of forgetting, to the far harder path of trying to heal and face her fears.

Looking back on the essay with Astarion, there’s another moment here where we can see a parallel to addiction and former friends turning against us. This might not be so common with depression, but there may still be friends and loved ones who see a change in how a person is when recovering from an extended depressive episode and finding that they no longer fit in any more, or that the relationship is not as compatible as it used to be. That can be painful, to lose friends or even have them turning against you, but it is something we see both in the game and in real life at times.

Depression and mental illness are tough, and the recovery is arguably even tougher, but it is still very much worthwhile. Do try to ensure you have the proper and full support both from your friends and family as well as mental health professionals if at all possible.

And remember - it may well feel worse before it feels better. It might not be as simple and clear cut as a battle against physical foes, but to get out of that darkness there will be a fight and often some shadows of fears and memories that need to be brought into the light and fully understood before they can fade and shrink away. Recovery is rarely such a straight and smooth line, too, but one bad day does not erase the progress.

What We Can Learn From Shadowheart’s Story

Perhaps some opinions may differ, but one of the main things I take away from Shadowheart’s story is how patience, understanding, and letting someone work through things at their own pace as much as possible can be far more effective than trying to deny their reality or force them to change all at once. Whether we can identify and sympathise with the experiences of mental health struggles and memory difficulties, or the more direct suffering of chronic conditions and pain that doesn’t have a simple cause, there’s the common thread that we do not need to fully understand what’s going on to show kindness and care. It might be a tough concept to really empathise with from an outside perspective, but these experiences can be quite simply terrifying. It’s said that a lot of fear comes from the unknown, and that’s a common theme here too. From not knowing the real cause of visceral physical pain, to a literal lack of memories, to the absolute peak of fear in the form of PTSD and phobias when we may not know what triggered it or when it will subside - all of them stem from that unknown. That’s why it will always be important to talk about these topics, to gain understanding not only of those around us but of ourselves too - even if you have been fortunate enough to never identify directly with anything covered in today’s topics, you might just understand a little more about yourself in other ways. So I’m going to leave today with a slight apology for the delay between pieces, and also if this one feels less coherent - I’m feeling a little foggy myself from the impact of some stresses and medications, and an all-too-common lack of quality sleep on this side of the screen! But I hope you have found some of this to be interesting as we’ve looked through Shadowheart’s journey through her story, and how this can mirror real world experiences of disability and chronic health symptoms. As always, I’d love to open the floor to any of you in the comments or reblogs to talk about how you’ve connected to the story of Shar’s disciple and her journey to recover what she lost. I’ll see you next time as we go over Halsin’s character and how he can relate to disability, followed by a couple of bonus rounds from NPCs if I have time and energy before the month is out.

Be kind to yourselves and those around you, there’s no way to know what pains someone might be keeping quiet about. Patience and compassion can go a long way to helping us all find the light in the dark~

#baldurs gate 3 #shadowheart #disability #chronic illness #essayposting #bg3 essay #disability pride month

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apocalyptyx · 5 months ago

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I’m aware visibility on this platform is rough, but it feels wrong to keep posting stuff about this fic without addressing the Jakei situation.

For the longest of time, Underverse has sustained this entire fandom upon its back. And for a lot of people, including myself, it introduced us to the world of Undertale and the Multiverse. Underverse was my biggest inspiration to begin writing TFOUZ.

Underverse is the catalyst to hundreds of thousands of people’s most influential times in their lives. The UTMV fandom is where I grew into who I am today. Underverse threw me into this delightfully chaotic experience, one I never thought would end. One I hoped would never end.

And now, possibly the largest beacon within this fandom is subject to be knocked down and shattered by yet another group of sad individuals who have nothing else to do with their lives.

Today on the internet, we can’t have anything good. People always find reasons to be nasty, hateful, and ruin every little thing we have. Not only have these people destroyed a beautiful thing, but they’ve dragged down one of the most important people to this fandom. How does it feel to be the reason you made this creator give up? This event is going to shake the entire community, whether Jakei decides to quit or not.

On the topic of her quitting, my heart goes out to her. Mental health will ALWAYS be more important than an animated series. Whatever she needs, I pray the people of this fandom don’t blast her even more. She has done so much for this community, and no matter what happens, we’ll always be on her side.

We can survive, UTMV fandom. We’ve done it for nearly ten years (or longer, not quite sure!), even if 6 of those years we had Underverse. I saw a post earlier that said something along the lines of “Ink wouldn’t want us to quit making art” (def not verbatim), and I can’t express how true that is. This is not how we are supposed to be. We are not supposed to be worrying about the future of our fandom. To all of you out there who are thinking about quitting, who are thinking about giving up, leaving this experience behind them: please don’t. This is our happy place. We can thrive. Supporting eachother is the best thing we can do here.

And to anybody who may have contributed to the harassment, the shitstorm that has been this situation: I give you a big, giant, massive, gleaming FUCK YOU.

You have ruined something so precious. You have torn down a part of internet history that will never be forgotten. You will never be considered a part of this fandom. I hope somewhere along the way, you find happiness. I hope you find a life. I hope you find your place on the internet. Because right now, you have none of those things.

With that aside, I don’t care how many views this post gets- I needed to get this out there. I needed it to be known where I stand, I needed to give my condolences. Honestly, a part of me wanted to ignore everything that’s happening, because the UTMV fandom is my happy place. The first fandom I ever joined. The most chaotic, too. And I would never have changed this for the world. I didn’t want to believe that this could be the end of the best era in my life.

But, we’ll be okay. Stay strong, and keep creating art. Most of all: support Jakei, no matter what she decides to do. We’re on your side.

Remember to give an enormous THANK YOU to this fandom and everybody inside it. It provided for us, and we should continue to provide for it.

#utmv #underverse #jakei95 #undertale multiverse #undertale #stay strong #keep making art #fandom #utmv fandom

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l00rem · 2 years ago

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Sammy Lawrence character analysis

I had a small epiphany recently about Sammy’s character which just recontextualized his entire character for me and I really wanted to write it down so here’s a mini essay about our beloved musician and prophet :)

I think one of the biggest questions people often have about Sammy as a character is why he never left JDS despite the fact he seemed quite aware of how horrible it was for his mental health and that he had the talent to get a better job. My answer to this is also the main basis of this entire analysis: Sammy is a person who would rather be treated horribly then be useless.

There are many examples of this throughout the entire series. To make things easier, I’ll be going through his character in a mostly chronological order.

Before being hired

To repeat what I said earlier, people find it quite strange that Sammy didn’t leave considering his level of talent and artistic genius. But I think it’s important that we flip this around. If Sammy has so much talent, how come before being hired by Joey he was taking on jobs that he clearly didn’t really want to be doing? To quote one of his scenes at the party:

‘ The man at the piano shook his head. He seemed annoyed.(…) Sammy was not a fan of attention and definitely didn’t like putting on a show like this’

So it’s obvious that performing to audiences isn’t how Sammy wanted to be using his talent. But judging by the amount of praise Joey heaps onto him, he could’ve gotten any job he wanted right?

This is where I’m going to start heading into headcannon territory, because we don’t really know much about Sammy before working with Jack apart from the fact he once worked for the cinema.

I think it’s highly possible that Sammy suffers from the case of being really gifted , but still not good enough. He’s definitely talented, he knows this himself. But for whatever reason he was never good enough to be hired to compose for movies or anything else he seemed he’d rather be doing. Perhaps this was because of his personality putting people off? He’s quite a straightforward guy, I wouldn’t be surprised if his employers didn’t appreciate his unsolicited criticism of their works ( in other words, they can’t handle his autistic swag lmao). In fact, going off of how suspicious and distrusting he is of Joey, Its possible that he’d been tricked or scammed by his past employers. Whatever the reason, it lead to him having to settle for less and not pursue his passion the way he truly wanted to.

This is why I think he’s surprisingly so easily hired by Joey. Sammy continuously acts like he’s disinterested in Joeys offer, even though we know he’s going to be working at this place for the next 16 years of his life. I believe this is because Sammy knows JDS needs him, he is too talented for this place which makes him important. Which means he’s useful and won’t be thrown away. This makes sense when you consider the state the music department is in when Sammy demands to see it.

‘ I opened the door to the small music room. An upright piano and music stand were tightly packed inside, barley able to fit in the space. (…) This definitely did not look impressive.’

The fact that Sammy immediately begins demanding things after seeing it says a lot too. It’s as if he’s immediately pushing to see what Joey will allow, to see how badly he needs him. The more desperate Joey is to hire him, the more safe and secure this job will be for him.

And so he takes as much control as possible, demanding complete creative control over his area. The more he’s responsible for, the more he’s proving himself useful. Even if this will lead to him having waaaay too much work for one person to handle.

Working at JDS

Sammy’s 1935 tape shows us just how much he’s willing to put up with as long as it means he’s useful. He’s completely aware of how overworked he is, but ignores this in favour of ‘ keeping the little devil happy’ which most likely refers to Joey. Despite how much he complains, I think he prides himself on being able to get so much work done in such little time. Perhaps he even sees being overworked as proof that the studio just needs him that much? That he’s that significant to the success of the cartoons? Joey probably also used this tactic to manipulate Sammy, to convince him that he’s only giving him so much work because he trusts and believes in him so much.

I think Joey also figured this out from the way he talks about Sammy in Tiol. In fact it’s as if he’s actively mocking him.

‘ I wouldn’t say I was lucky to get him as part of my team, nor that I’m lucky he’s stayed with me all these years.’

‘I can’t make anyone do anything, even as a boss.’

‘ I’d never trade Sammy Lawrence for anything.’

= ‘ oh yeah he’s really talented and could totally have another job if he wanted but I actually need him and would never throw him away! He totally has the will to leave if he wants to but he stays because he knows he’s wanted here :)’

Jack’s 1943 tape does seem to confirm that the studio needs Sammy. By 1943, bendy wasn’t very relevant. Most people hadn’t really heard about the cartoons. And yet Sammy and Jack were still winning awards for their songs. In Sammy’s mind this probably solidified that the studio needs him. He doesn’t care that Joey took the credit because that’s not what matters to him. Better to know your doing good at your job then to risk upsetting your employer.

It seems he prides himself on being able to take on so much work too. In the employee handbook there’s a newspaper article on how Joey mistreats his employees and here’s what Sammy has to say about it:

‘Some people can’t take it and that’s fine’- he’s highlighting the fact that he is someone who can take it and therefore is useful to the studio. He even seems to be projecting, calling those who drop out ‘ useless’.

I think ‘ love requires sacrifice’ isn’t actually something Sammy made up to appease bendy, it’s something he lived by for most of his life. He’ll sacrifice his entire mental health if it means he’ll be loved in return. Of course, this would later take on a more darker and literal meaning.

In fact, I think there’s another factor that contributed to Sammy not being able to leave. @threadedsafteypin wrote this analysis on how Sammy may have struggled with imposter syndrome:

https://www.tumblr.com/threadedsafetypin/668068661627600896/sammy-lawrence-having-imposter-syndrome-its-more

So this gives him another reason as to why he can’t leave. If he’s working at JDs because it enables him to feel wanted and useful, then quitting because he’s struggling would be literally admitting that there’s an area in music he struggles with. In his mind he’d be proving his insecurities right, that he’s not as amazing and talented as the world thinks he is.

But Sammy had people who cared about him that would’ve been able to prove to him he’s worth more then what he can do for others right? Probably, but I think he failed to see that because of how important it is for him to feel wanted.

Let’s look at his partnership with Jack. I do believe that they truly trusted each other and remained friends during their time at JDS. However, it wouldn’t surprise me if Sammy deliberately distanced himself from Jack. Sure, Jack is one of the few people Sammy seems to actually like, but would he leave Sammy for someone better if he realised how much Sammy was faking it? I doubt it. But Sammy’s fatal flaw is his lack of trust in other people, he’s so paranoid of being worthless in the eyes of other people that he’d rather isolate himself then risk losing them. Especially someone like Jack who is directly linked to him through his talent in music.

Tragically, I think his fallout with Susie would have confirmed this paranoia for him. From his perspective, Susie doesn’t like him anymore because she no longer works for him. He isn’t her boss, isn’t there to direct her anymore and is therefore useless to her. Of course, we know this isn’t the full story. Joey intentionally orchestrated Susie’s firing so that she’d think it was Sammy’s fault. It isn’t that she stopped caring about him because she didn’t need him anymore, it’s because she thought he’d abandoned her. This outcome is very beneficial for Joey, it’ll make Sammy more desperate to seek validation from working for Joey rather then his relationships with other people. So he’ll be more reliant on Joey, no matter how much work is shoved onto him. The moment someone doesn’t need him they’ll cut ties with him, so it’s best to stay with someone who obviously needs him.

Serving the ink demon

Sammy’s devotion to bendy is the best example of how far he’s willing to go to be useful to someone. I think when Sammy accidentally drinks ink for the first time he was actually in a very desperate position. In his letter to Joey at the start of Batdr he seems uncharacteristically worried.

Considering what we’ve established, it makes sense that he’d try to help the studio not shut down. If it does, not only will he lose the place he feels secure in, but it will also show that he wasn’t good enough to keep bendy successful ( this isn’t actually the case, we know it’s all Joeys fault for his spending habits, but I think this is how Sammy would see things).

Furthermore, by the time he gets infected Susie would have been fired for a while and Jack seems very absent in DCTL ( probably because he was murdered by Joey off screen) so Sammy would be lacking what little support system he actually had. Suffice to say, he would not have been doing mentally well.

Sammy knows this company is going down hill, it’s inevitable that it’ll go bankrupt at this point. He’s losing his purpose. Enter the ink demon. A terrifying and powerful being who promises to give him a new use. Sammy says it himself in Dctl:

‘It wanted me. He wanted me.’

‘The more I felt him. Heard him. I need to please him.’

He was so desperate to not be cast aside that he was literally willing to sacrifice his coworkers in order to be of use to someone.

And then he gets sent into the ink realm at some point and the ink demon presumably stops talking to him. He’s lost his purpose but doesn’t even have the option to leave anymore. So no wonder he deludes himself Into thinking bendy will set him free. He basically has no choice, if he faces the reality of his hopeless situation will he even be able to keep going?

He convinces himself that it’s all just a test, he hasn’t been abandoned, bendy does everything for a reason. He just needs to get him to notice him again through sacrifice to remind bendy of how useful he can be.

Bendy killing Sammy was a massive reality check for him. It sends him into a complete spiral as he’s forced to confront the truth that he’s been thrown away yet again. But he still can’t fathom why he’d been ‘ left to rot’. After all, he’d kept on sacrificing people like bendy originally wanted hadn’t he? He’d remained faithful even after being ignored for years, spent years praising bendy’s name despite all possible logic pointing against it!

He has nothing. He’s worth nothing. All the suffering he endured was for nothing. We can clearly see that Sammy despises being useless more then anything else. If bendy had kept on talking to him, even if it was all lies, he would have probably have been happier then facing the truth.

Having no purpose

He may have a stupidly small amount of screen time in batdr, but I think his jail scene still tells us a lot.

I’d go as far to argue that the Sammy we see in prison is probably his lowest point in the series that we’ve ever seen.

I mean just look at him. He doesn’t even turn to look at Audrey when she enters. He’s been told that his lord is dead, that he’s a false prophet, that nothing he’s done has mattered because no one is coming to free him. If this is how Sammy acts when he feels worthless it’s no wonder that he lied to himself about bendy being his lord. He’s completely dejected of all hope.

To add to this feeling of uselessness, it doesn’t even seem like he knows how to play anymore. It sounds like he’s trying to play hellfire follis but miserably failing. Not only does he fail as a prophet, but he can’t even be a musician- the last part of his identity he could even latch onto at this point.

And honestly, as happy as an ending as Batdr seems for most of the cast, I don’t think this’ll be the same for Sammy. After all, his lord has completely left the ink realm. He has no one to serve anymore. He’ll lose all his purpose, and everyone around him tells him this is supposed to be for the better? He’s supposed to be content with remaining an ink man for the foreseeable future just because there’s no other option?

I think Sammy actually has the potential to be a villain in the next game ( assuming we get one judging from that scene at the end). Maybe someone from gent, like Alan Grey, will somehow get in contact with him and promise to give him a use again. All he has to do is go against the residents of the ink realm in order to serve him. And if Sammy’s desperate enough, I wouldn’t be surprised if he accepted.

I really do hope we see more of Sammy. I don’t think the meatly is a particularly good writer so I’m not expecting some amazing character ark but tbh I’ll take any crumbs at this point. As long as they don’t make him forgive Joeys bs ‘redemption’ ark I don’t think they can mess up his character too badly. But I’ll guess we’ll have to see when the next bendy game comes out in five years.

#sammy lawrence #bendy and the dark revival #batim #batdr #joey drew #character analysis #wow I wrote so much for a character with such little screen time #what being hyperfixated on a character for months will do to a bitch #in conclusion please give Sammy more screen time bc he has so much potential as a character :)

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scariercnidaria · 7 months ago

Text

CRIME & PUNISHMENT: THE CULPABILITY OF THE FAMILY, PSYCHIATRY AND THE STATE

before we begin i would like to give a brief trigger warning for discussions of mental health, violence and crime including abuse and sexual assault, and misogyny. I have tried not to linger gratuitously on any one subject but they are mentioned, unavoidably so.

If you are forced (as I am) or otherwise choose to listen to local radio for long enough now, you will eventually hear an advert by my local police. The contents of the advert, it's more like a PSA, but they are something like the following... ohh when you see violent crime, it affects all of us. It affects all of us, it's very bad when violent crime goes on. Please report violent crime to the police, the police who will definitely do something about it. These are *our* streets, and you can help take them back. Report it to the police, who never commit violent crime themselves.

These are our streets. It was that bit that stuck out to me the most. These aren't their streets. The advert positions the listener in opposition to these outsider-criminals. Is inline with the typical conservative view of crime and also criminals being something that spontaneously and inevitably appears in a society, almost as if through abiogenesis, and the only thing to be done is to take a tough stance on law and order. Be tough on crime, whatever that means.

Of course the PSA was explicitly and specifically calling out for action against violent crime. I think most Marxists come to the table already having come to an understanding of the social nature of certain nonviolent crimes. Ask a communist or more broadly an anarchist what their views on shoplifting are and they should say its cool and based-- its not praxis and it's not moral but it doesn't have to be, it's simply a fact of life that not everyone will have the money to pay for things under capital.

Sometimes the liberal-progressive will agree with you up to a point where they hit you with the "no bc actually the companies take it out of their employees wages so youre not actually hurting the man" at which point you hit them back with the "that's illegal for them to do that" to which "yeah they do it anyway" and now the liberal has demonstrated an understanding of the contradictions of bourgeois law, so congratulations, but the crux of the matter is that shoplifting isn't praxis so it doesn't matter.

The tory kind of crime culture is something that must be combatted and sometimes goes overlooked by communists. But it is eminently important to certain layers of the population and must be addressed. Mostly petit bourgeois and their neighbourhood watch it must be said - but for those who are drinking deep from the law and order Kool Aid on lawbreakers/troublemakers/whathaveyou, they really care about it and we need to be able to explain our position in a way that isn't just whatabouting the white collar criminals in the banks and government.

Because while it may be true that wage theft is more impactful to the average person than robbery it still doesn't assuage the fears of those to whom we might propose, for some point far along in the future, to "abolish the prison industrial complex" or "stateless society" and hear "anarchy! anarchy!". The cult of law and order must be dismantled, brick by brick.

So: on violent crime. I want to return to a phrase I mentioned earlier; the "outsider criminal". This is a common distortion of reality, and pure idealism with no material base. Take any category of violent crime and largely you will find that it is far more likely for abuses to have been committed by people known to the victim than by a stranger. Most kidnappings are by one of the parents over custody disputes. Most severe cases of child abuse, torture and exploitation occur in isolated family units. Most rapes are committed by a friend, acquaintance or partner.

Flying in the face of reality, the fearmongering over the unknown emerged in 1979 beginning with the kidnapping of Etan Patz and followed by a spate of high-profile child kidnapping cases. CBS Evening News in 1982 informed the American public that "up to 50000 children were being kidnapped by strangers each year", a number that journalists, social psychologists and government officials had assured the public was highly inflated by the mid 1980s. But a hysterical wave had already overtaken the American people.

There was the perception that society was becoming increasingly unsafe, and something had to be done about it. But in reality by the end of the 1970s the crime rate was already falling. At the same time, deindustrialisation battered New York and some two million white Americans fled the city for the suburbs.

And with the social-cultural backdrop manufactured by the bourgeois news media it was nevertheless responded to with bulked-up policing at the same time as austerity. The Reagan administration gained consent to build a number of new prisons in California the number of prisons doubled in the decade of the 1980s, where previously it had taken 70 years to construct even half of that number).

These prisons did nothing for crime; the most obvious trend observable was that as the number of prisons increases, there are a greater number of prisons. They were an abject failure in their stated mission, but highly lucrative for shareholders.

Of course there are the social impetuses around the experience of being incarcerated that make recidivism more likely; the "networking opportunities" that lead to disorganised, petty criminals coming into contact and making connection with more experienced, organised criminals on the inside.

The skills decay, "gaps in employment" and legal discrimination faced by those with arrest records once they are on the outside. The disenfranchisement of felons. The income lost while incarcerated or stolen by police upon arrest, or spent on legal fees that must be recouped sooner rather than later. But often the psychological effects can be side-stepped by our movement.

There is perhaps a tendency to focus on certain kinds of offender (property crimes, non-violent drug offences), which is easy but tired, and can provide opponents with a "gotcha!" when confronting us with the question, for example, "what do we do about murderers and pedophiles?"

Of course the quick answer is that Leninists are not for the immediate abolishment of all carceral systems (but people did get paid in the gulags, so it isn't slave labour like usamerican prisons). But rhetorically that can feel like backpedalling, and it is useful to be able to explain the full and complex picture of crime in current society.

On the other-hand, there is also a tendency to shoehorn every single violent crime into the category of "mental health concern" while downplaying ideology as a factor. The western individualist petit-bourgeois centre cannot comprehend having a cause that one is willing to die or kill for. This incredulity serves to tourniquet both arms of politics: the courage and conviction of Aaron Bushnell's self-immolation is minimised, the ideology driving it reduced to fine print beside a suicide hotline, and the vile stochastic terrorism of far-right demagogues and incel forums are obscured behind lone-actors reacting to "male loneliness".

The case of right wing terrorism is particularly prevalent, because right wing terrorism itself is particularly prevalent at the moment. Conversely, in the era of the 70s when left-wing terrorism had its day in the sun bourgeois demagogues had no trouble denouncing the dangerous radicalism of the anarchist and Maoist coalitions. Meanwhile at present we see the woobification of mass murderers like Elliot Rodger or Kyle Rittenhouse or the Columbine shooters Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris as misunderstood, victims of bullying, merely suicidal in their pre-actions instead of the fermenting Hitlerites that from their journals it is clear that they were.

It was Sue Klebold, in fact, Dylan Klebold's mother, who was the one to launch a media campaign in the wake to have her son painted as a victim. It was her book-- a NYT Bestseller-- and years later the TED talks too that were major contributors to this brand of disinformation. I don't think I need to tell comrades here that there are plenty of mentally ill people who are not violent, who are violent only against themselves, or who are violent in ways that are not better explained by an ideology that encourages the dehumanisation of other people.

This is not to do a "no true mad person" fallacy on it-- as in certain cases perhaps mental illness will be the framework through which someone's actions are best understood-- but pathologising categories of action as default, far from turning them into something able to be treated, lends itself to helplessness in prevention. In the cases of far-right terrorism, it is the ideology that is the catalyst.

The class instincts of the bourgeoisie will always be to protect their own, over the out-group. Capitalism sublimates other identities below the class-instinct, such that even women become defenders of misogyny, POC of racism, gay people of homophobia; all of whom by this mechanism defenders of capital. It is not necessarily *in*conceivable why; in a survival situation it is much more helpful to be a member of the bourgeoisie than a member of a proletarianised minority group, this ought to be clear.

But dialling the extremity of our cases back some, and revisiting a recent phenomenom in greater depth: what is this so-called epidemic of "male loneliness" but a different expression of capitalist alienation as Marx described all those years ago? If not the very same? Of course the solution to this problem is, in that case not a consolidation of the patriarchy-- expecting women to bear the brunt of violence is itself a kind of interpersonal reformism. Like "oh, if women don't like these men they should enter relationships with them and try to push them left from the ground up". To suggest that would be as ridiculous as suggesting the same for proletarians in collaborationist parties.

In a similar vein, it is clearly nonsense to suggest that it is the bourgeoisie who gets the shortest (or even an equally short) end of the stick under capitalism, as it would be to suggest that men get a shorter or equally short end of the stick under patriarchy.

Alienation does not compare to exploitation. Alienation precludes connection, fulfillment, wellbeing; but such a condition is not the sole burden of the exploiter (the proletariat experiences alienation from their labour far more acutely than the bourgeoisie; the women who the alienated men around them are unable to connect with suffer at least as much from that particular disconnect as the men do. Of course there are unique experiences, and to every party the suffering felt is real-- this is not being said to dismiss it).

But to recognise this fact is not identity politics, it is a recognition of the material realities and contradictions of capitalism and the various compounding and nuanced oppressions that reinforce it in order to create as an accurate a picture as possible of the Hydra we are facing. To deny men the ability for consciousness, on the other hand, to use their own experiences and relate that suffering to the broader ailments of society, and to subsequently divide the struggle on any lines other than class-- the superidentity through which all other forms of oppression express a material form, however, most certainly is.

The exact contradiction faced by working class men which leads to their alienation from each other and the rest of society is the combined experience of having a foot up when it comes to the patriarchy, while simultaneously being crushed under the boot of capitalism in their experience as labourers.

This contradiction will, depending on the man and the environment in which he finds himself, go one of two ways: either a redoubling of the patriarchy, which may compensate his individual lack of control in the professional sphere but represent a concession to bourgeois ideology that can only feed-back into greater alienation from his fellow humans, entitlement to the women around him; a rotting cope that cannot resolve, will not save him and will change nothing for his children. Or in the realisation of his position under capitalism, as in class consciousness. Only the latter is capable of providing a way forward.

Patriarchy serves capitalism historically as the commodification of women and their confinement to the domestic sphere provides a vast well of labour that is able to go unpaid, labour that is vital for the reproduction of the next generation of proletarians and used to be reflected in the wages of the husband.

Then came the proletarianisation of women (which is perhaps a misnomer-- certain layers of women, the poorest, among whom was particularly black and immigrant women, had always been working) and perhaps moreso with the right of women to open up their own bank accounts independent of a husband-- and thus accumulate their own capital, have their own inheritors. This of course was a progressive step as opposed to the formal slavery of women that came before. Now they were free to enter into wage slavery as the men were.

This-- the feminist 2nd wave-- and the rise of what we colloquially think of as liberal ideology (not the classical liberalism of for example Thomas Hobbes or Steven Crowder) was correlated with the decline of the family unit, a pattern that is real, and correctly identified as real by reactionaries but wrongfully attributed to the aforementioned ideological developments. In reality it was the greed of employers at the potentiality of a new and untapped source of labour in women that finally overrode the antiquated prejudices of the bourgeoisie, as they realised they'd be able to pay women less and pit the now even more saturated labour market against each other to drive wages down.

However, it soon became impossible to support a family on a single income as it had been throughout the 50s and 60s.

This, being the precursor to as reactionaries identify it "the degeneration of the family", was not-- as reactionaries identify it-- the fault of women but of manifold factors, including: the deindustrialisation ongoing since the 50s in places such as Detroit as auto manufacturers left or soon to go on in New York state, and the north of England and in Wales under Thatcher here at home-- which was in turn driven by the emigration of these manufacturing jobs to newly open and exploitable markets in the global south, the declawing of the unions, the inevitable slowdown of the post-war boom, and the market organisation of labour in the first place.

These developments were bound to place even more stress on what was already a fundamentally fragile social unit in the first place-- the nuclear family.

Even prior to it's decline and the successes of 1st and 2nd wave feminism, the nuclear family had been a tenuous and unstable building block on which to structure a society. Marx wrote of the flaws of bourgeois marriage-- community of women, union based on accumulation, the consequent alienation-- which had been evident even in his day.

And on the eve of what we may consider the old order overturned, the sunset decades of traditional Americana in the 1950s and early 60s, there was still the stereotype of the valium-addled housewife & mother and the disciplinarian salaryman husband & father.

But such a structure can only ever reflect the conditions of the society in which it exists; this society is of course the dictatorships of the liberal bourgeoisie and all its flaws. The contradictions between the "united front" of the parents over the children, while the mother/wife is exploited in the domestic, and in marriage generally, and finds dominion over the children, the husband/father too is exploited in his work, and finds dominion over the wife.

It is this that was promised implicitly to young men, and this that the more reactionary layers of them wish to RETVRN to, yet is impossible under the current conditions-- even if women were willing to enter into relationships with them. Every "trad" influencer you see online is being kept afloat by egregious generational wealth.

And the structure is one absolutely primed for abuses. "Nuclear" is an apt metaphor, the power struggle between the subatomic forces will necessarily lead to conflict and reckoning, fission and decay. The disenfranchised child is sole property of their parents, the wife property of her husband. Both husband and wife chained by bureaucratic and financial pressures and obligations that may not inherently cause but facillitate and exacerbate abuses, and forces each party to endure past the point when individually and free of constraint they would choose to leave.

When exploitation of a child occurs outside of the immediate family it is usually by trusted adults wielding social (or actual) capital. On the occasion it is perpetrated by a stranger, it is always the lack of agency felt or experienced by the child that is preyed upon and manipulated.

It is with this understanding of the family that we must approach one of the dominant paradigms in contemporaneous psychiatry-- that is, the parental blame game-- and its incompleteness.

It might surprise you now for me to say that I do not believe the family's flaws to be an adequate explainer of mental illness on their own.

Other than the biological approach, this is perhaps the framework of psychotherapy one is most likely to encounter. Not for no reason-- it is inarguable that the actions of caregivers during developmental years have a profound effect on later wellbeing. It just so happens that under capitalism and especially western individualism (which is an ideological cornerstone of capitalism itself) the purview of "caregiver" is reduced to the role of primary and secondary, of most commonly mother and father. That the onus for raising a whole human being-- multiple, even-- should fall on just two individuals is not a natural law but a result of current cultural conditions. It takes a village to raise a child, after all.

A child that is unisolated, is listened to and taken seriously, who is and has always been free to leave a situation in which they are uncomfortable, and who has a wide network of support that is simply not feasible under capitalist alienised-atomised living, is far more difficult if not impossible to victimise. There is a reason that Engels included childcare and early childhood education in his Principles of Communism, there is a reason the Bolsheviks instituted those, as well as freedom of divorce and abortion, almost as soon as they came to power.

That the blame should be placed entirely on one or both of the parental unit is not just a convenient scapegoat for the bourgeois influences out of the parents' control, but a fundamentally unhelpful tactic especially in reaching certain layers of the proletariat who come to the table with an understanding that their parents had done the best that they could in raising them, given the circumstances, and will not hear badly against them.

In a not insignificant number of cases this is not an incorrect one-- they may not consciously realise it but those circumstances of course are capitalism. "Man makes his own choices but does not do so in conditions of his choosing" - this was Marx's conception of human nature. It is the pedestal on which nuclear parenthood is placed which lends itself to disappointment.

But think as well of the bourgeois child, who grows up with all the advantages of wealth and none of the traumas of poverty. They are sooner raised by a nanny or governess than their own family, with the influence of the parents elevated to a non-presence hanging over the entire childhood. What does the child learn but that love and care is a commodity to be bought and sold, hired from the underclass?

Capital is substitute for connection. Perhaps in this way-- and in the simultaneous recognition of the lie of meritocracy-- it can be understood that capitalism does not merely reward sociopathy (which would imply that individual traits have any bearing of the makeup of executive boards), but *breeds* it.

It is not necessary for us to distinguish between whether or not an individual member of the bourgeoisie is "really" ASPD (the clinical term for sociopathy) or NPD (Narcissitic Personality Disorder). It is also not necessary to particularly worry about the stigmatising effects of "mis"-using such labels in such a way, as these labels were invented in the first place to stigmatise people displaying certain groups of behaviour.

(The technique for remembering which PD cluster is which is still "Mad, *Bad*, Sad", after all. It is difficult, knowing this, to believe the puported scientific non-bias of psychiatry as a practise, given the sweeping moral condemnation of some of its most vulnerable patients. It is impossible to destigmatise the word "narcissist"; it's like naming it "Irredeemable Abusive Asshole Disorder" and then being surprised when people throw it around as a pejorative against anyone they don't like. If they gave a shit they would have called it what it is, which is "essentially CPTSD but we don't like your coping mechanisms and we would rather discard you as a person entirely than attempt to understand the nuances". But I digress:).

For the members of the bourgeoisie whose actions may be described as sociopathic from the outside, they are functionally the same and might as well be called as much. I would indeed suspect, however, that a significant proportion of "sociopaths" among high level executives may not be so in the strictly clinical sense; diagnostic criteria and treatment for personality disorders still tend to operate off the assumption that once personality has developed it becomes intrinsic and unable to be meaningfully improved-- such was the original conceit of the distinction between Axis I and Axis II (major psychiatric VS personality disorders) in the DSM-- but more recent findings challenge this assumption. Through the dialectic-- the process of development of human thought-- we also understand that the self as everything is constantly in motion.

These informal sociopaths in executive positions, therefore, may better have their condition (and "condition" here as in the non-clinical sense) explained by various "ism"s-- classism that allows them to dehumanise their employees, sexism that allows them to dehumanise their wives and pay women employees less for the same work, racism that allows them to dehumanise their constituents or, in the case of redlining bankers, hopeful borrowers. Their own bourgeois ideology above all that allows them to justify it all to themselves: through meritocracy, through bootstraps-isms, through trickle-down economics, through American and broader western exceptionalism, through plain straight denial-- this particular magical thinking, *this* disconnect from reality, is not termed psychotic by the status quo.

Culturally we see certain allowances made for yet more aspects of bourgeois ideology too. Believing in aliens, or ghosts, or angel-number universal energy is considered cause for psychiatric concern. Believing in God is not. As Marxists we understand that all of these are idealism, but liberal ideology is unable to reconcile the contradiction.

With the pathologisation of discrete actions, which had started with suicide (of which there is still declared to never be a logical reasoning behind, even in the wake of Aaron Bushnell's protest, even in less clear cases where the Samaritans themselves recognise something called "Shit Life Syndrome", from which suicide could be construed a protest against the conditions of capitalism itself) and which has not yet extended to religiosity in general, it has yet diffused across all manner of behaviour-- some perhaps genuinely useful as markers of psychological processes that are more difficult to measure, as in sensory avoidance for one. But increasingly many others rendered completely meaningless by pop-psych content farms, according to whom for example sleeping in the foetal position is a potential sign of autism.

This is formal logic. That one or even several peripheral or correlationary traits makes a disorder. In reality, even mental illness adheres to at least one part of the dialectic. Many symptoms are common across disorders and many symptoms express themselves subclinically (in a non-disordered way). It is the presence of a sufficient quantity of symptoms that turns into the quality of "having" a "disorder".

It is the formal logician that sees their friend's breakup and instantly diagnoses the other party as a narcissist, no matter how small the action given as evidence. And it is the formal logician who is unable to see that this "narcissist" in reality suffers very little in his other interpersonal relationships, and it is simply the misogyny he has learned throughout his life that is the cause of conflict in his romantic relationships.

Look through the DSM and the ICD and you will not find a single disorder for which misogyny, or racism, or homophobia, or transphobia, or any other kind of bigotry is a symptom. They are, however, symptoms of capitalism-- and of class society generally.

You will, however, find disorders of which anti-authoritarianism are symptoms-- as in Oppositional Defiance Disorder, or ODD, which is varyingly just either ADHD or PTSD, primarily applied to black children or other children more likely to be considered aggressive, and attempting to challenge the diagnosis in any way is considered yet another symptom.

The Cluster B personality disorders also tend to get slapped on the record of patients that are considered difficult. A major consequence of psychotic disorders are that you de-facto lose the ability to argue for your own experiences (you are, after all, delusional). Genuine concerns over their own safety and desire to have locks on the door in the (real) case of a schizophrenic rape survivor in a women's shelter are brushed off as paranoia.

Any Marxist considering "Anti-Social Personality Disorder" must take into account exactly *which* society the personality is deemed to be "anti", especially given that the diagnostic criteria requires "disregard for the law-" *bourgeois* law "-and repeated criminal behaviour prior to the age of 18".

People with Narcissitic Personality Disorder are generally unlikely to seek treatment for it and it instead tends to be identified during treatment for comorbidities-- most commonly Substance Use Disorders, which itself straddles the line between crime and illness.

Crime for the homeless addict, or the single mother caught with a gram of weed in her nightstand, or the line cook on their eighth 10-hour shift in a row. Illness for the celebrity at private rehab, or the white suburban mother on enough Prozac to kill a horse, or the rich partyboy on college track. "Irrational", perhaps, in all cases; never a thought given to the conditions that make constant intoxication preferable to the throbbing mental illness of capitalism.

The line between crime and mental illness is, generally, less distinct than you might think. Treatment for psychotic disorders differs very little from incarceration. Institutionalisation is functionally the same as arrest-- except it is generally even more traumatising ("oh you believe that people are plotting to come get you and take you away, so we've arranged for a group of people to come get you and take you away")−− and you don't even have the right to a trial.

Science under capitalism is and always will be subject to the hegemony of the bourgeoisie. It is for that reason that treatment is restricted to that which will get you back to work the quickest. This is usually drug therapy instead of talking therapies, which require greater skill (and therefore are more expensive to train and produce) and take longer to show effects. In USAmerica at least it is also the case that doctors essentially receive sponsorships from pharmaceutical companies in exchange for prescribing a quota of a specific drug, whether or not it is in the patient's best interest.

I feel obligated to include The Mark Fisher Quote in here somewhere, but I won't dwell on it; "If it is true that low levels of serotonin cause depression, it still has to be determined *what causes low levels of serotonin*?"

The cases of depression and anxiety have been repeated ad nauseum. Schizophrenia is often thrown out as a counterargument by those championing what is essentially biological determinism, but even schizophrenia expresses itself less severely and less violently in less individualistic societies.

Schizophrenia at present requires family therapy anyway, for the people around the sufferer to adjust their behaviour and learn how to approach delusions. The most humane treatment for schizophrenia is still a wide support network such that interpersonal conflict can be spread out and it does not become a trigger. People should not have to endure neurological damage and seizures from taking enough meds to be productive in order to have the right to life. In all cases it is the alienation that kills you. The bid for human connection that is rejected or dismissed that leads to self-destruction.

What would persecutory delusions look like under a dictatorship of the proletariat? Without special bodies of armed men that *do* have the power to take you away? Of religious persecution in a society that has moved past the need for religion? Of grandiosity in a world where the category of celebrity does not exist?

When the punishment for doing worse is not unemployment and homelessess, perhaps suddenly recovery is not so impossible.

Liberal ideologues through their flattening of the entire scope of criminality, including and especially violent crime, into "mental illness", and mental illness onto the family, fail to see the forest for the trees. This is unsurprising, and par for the course with liberalism.

Right wing ideologues, on the other hand, blame crime and criminality on "not enough family", or "not the right kind of family". They believe that all that is necessary is for the correct values to be instilled in a child. But poverty is as with all things the great exacerbater. In reality it is not some metaphysical human need for a present father that makes a two-parent household superior, but the advantages of *two* potential streams of income, of *two* extended families, of greater options for childcare. This could be achieved as easily by two women or two men as by one man and one woman, but we need not stop there; it would be achieved even easier with proper social support, with the abolition of poverty, with a shorter working day, with communism.

#What tags do i use to make the tepid DNC “leftie” libs on this site download this fucking post into their brains #antipsych #anti family #youth liberation #marxism #essay #postingposting #communism #read lenin

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