#i think it’s the anxiety?? like is it my subconscious protecting me or something because I have a feeling if I start crying it may turn

[superdillin]

The Time We Have

The Time We Have campaign ends soon and I REALLY want as many people as possible to experience this game. I also wanna talk about my experiences playing it!!

I've played this game twice so far. Once was private, with my friend @rowanzeoli, and once on recording for One Shot, with @morebluebs

I have brothers, but I didn't grow up with brothers, and there's the whole "raised a girl" thing so I was a little worried that the dynamic would be too unrelatable for me to truly get the most out of the game. OH! I was wrong.

I would never lay all my emotional cards out on the table for public consumption, because goodness knows that's not healthy to do. Trust me, the game Elliot and I played is emotional, and real, but still has a thin filter of the public boundary layered over it. But in that private game with Rowan I really, really did put it all out, as did she. I sat locked inside my bathroom with Rowan on the other side, and realized that I was playing through a scenario I spend a lot of time thinking about as a chronically sick person - saying goodbye and knowing I'm leaving people behind. Rowan was playing my little brother, someone who felt like I already had abandoned him when I left him home on his own with our homophobic parents. And then, in that moment, I'm leaving again forever, and won't be able to protect him from the horrors outside.

Gang, in all these years being sick, I've gone to so much therapy about confronting mortality, and how to cope with those anxieties. Sitting in that closed white room and playing out my own end of life with someone I love so much took a blacklight to all the unseen critters that I did not realize were crawling through the sheets of my subconscious. And of course that's not enough, because games aren't therapy*, but those are things I now talk about, with my loved ones, with my therapist, with myself. And when that door re-opened and I hugged Rowan we were 10 times the friends we were before. We sat on my couch with a drink, pulling on all the loose threads that the game experience made us aware of and unraveling them with each other. Identity and love and unfinished business and how we are all burdened by each other and why that is beautiful. I learned her life story, she learned mine, we shared insights and wisdom and every so often we kept pointing back to something that was said in that game that lit that part of our real self up.

Playing through themes like this is something that a few years ago, I would never have touched. I came into the hobby a little traumatized and green and I just wasn't ready to use games in this kind of deep and existential way. It was all escapism, no introspection. This game in particular makes me feel so grateful that I've gotten to a place where games can be as deep and as uncomfortable for me as they have the capacity to be.

I think this game is a little window to Elliot's enormous heart, and it speaks directly to mine, and I hope others will love it all the same.

Go back the game please:

*games are like, a little bit therapy. I know that's taboo to say, but like. Lots of things are therapy. These things are not so black and white. I could say more but that's not what this is about.

[girlscience]

Why do I feel so immature compared to literally everyone I interact with. Why does everyone treat me like I am some naive baby that needs to be protected. Why does everyone act like I am incapable of putting myself out there to get things done.

[theorangebywendycopepdf]

i have been in the verge of crying for a little over a week and it just won’t happen! i need to release whatever this is brewing up in my heart but i can’t and i don’t know why!!!

[torturedtypewritersdept]

the sun + the sand - pt. six - the proposition

↳PAIRING: bff!rafe cameron x fem!reader

↳SUMMARY:you have a stalker, but your best friend rafe won't let anything happen to you, even if he has to come clean about how he really feels.

↳WARNINGS: mentions of stalking, blackmail, inappropriate behavior (not from rafe), protective!rafe, etc.

↳A/N: this is a repost from my old blog @illicitfixations + @lovelornanonymity. all of my works are being reposted to this one + the previous blog has been deactivated.

The aluminum of the boat you sat in swayed back and forth, the ebb and flow of the current beneath it creating a rocking pattern against your skin. It had always made you nauseous – being on the water. There was something about the unsteady, uncoordinated movement of the waves that reminded you how much you were like them, floating through life with no destination. You had always followed what everyone else was doing and when you were drowning, Rafe clung to you; he had always been the life vest protecting you amidst the water trying to permeate your lungs. The nausea was overwhelming as you listened to Pope spew facts he had learned at the science camp he had spent the first few weeks of his summer at; his obsession with becoming a coroner shining through as he led the conversation. You couldn’t quite wrap your mind around what was being said the same way John B’s arm draped around your shoulders, you should’ve been enjoying affection from a boy, especially one so sought after. But, you couldn’t because really, it all felt wrong. It always did when you spent time with this crowd. Though the blue and pink hues of the decorated cotton candy sky was a nice addition to your sunset boat ride, you still felt out of place. You knew you would no matter what. Even after John had practically begged you like a puppy to join the gang for this rendezvous, promising JJ would be nowhere in sight – it still felt odd and wrong to be there, to be amidst his friends, when all you could think about was Rafe. You were torn away from the thoughts that your brain was creating at the speed of light as your phone chimed. 

Unknown: you look so beautiful today. 

The screen read a sweet message and you wondered who it was from, it couldn’t be Rafe. If he was going to say something sweet, he wouldn’t text you from a private number. You quickly closed and locked your phone thinking it must be nothing more than a wrong number, even though the compliment gave you the resemblance of butterflies in your gut. 

Unknown: don’t ignore me. 

This time as your phone chimed, the message changed in tone and you decided to reply – a snarky, sarcastic comment for the person who remained anonymous was what you dished out. 

To unknown: It’s hard to reply when I don't know who I’m speaking to. 

As quickly as you had hit send, another message appeared in the queue. 

Unknown: watch your mouth or I'll gut you like a fish. 

You swallowed thickly at the words that littered your screen, unsure of who was behind them. You couldn’t think of anyone who would talk to you like that unless it was one of your boys playing a joke. But quickly pushed away the thought. Surely, they’d never speak to you that way even if they were kidding, or so you hoped. 

“Are you alright, y/n?” 

John B’s voice echoed against your ears as tears pricked your eyes and panic rose through your chest, the walls of your heart contracting simultaneously, you subconsciously recognized the tells of an anxiety attack creeping its way up your throat. John B’s lack of awareness, lack of knowing you the way Rafe did was just one more reason why you needed to be away from him. 

“R-rafe, take me to Rafe. Please.” 

You begged and he nodded though reluctant, wanting you to trust him and confide in him the same way that you did Rafe. He wanted you to be his peach, to regard him in your heart the same way you regarded the Cameron boy, though part of him knew it would never happen. Girls like you weren’t meant to end up with guys like him and even if you loved him in the same way he loved you, he knew Rafe Cameron would die before he ever let it happen. 

-

John B barely had time to get the hms pogue adjacent to the Cameron’s dock before you jumped off the ledge, clearing the width between the aluminum and the wood of the pier. You needed Rafe and you needed him now, it left no time for pleasantries and frankly, you didn’t care about the routledge boy enough to provide him with a false sense of comfort, a false sense that you were his when you weren’t. So, you did what you knew how to – you ran. Your feet padded against the wood of the dock as fast as they could, your breath uneven as you made it to the end and scoured the property for your person. He stood by Kelce and Topper at the pool, his tan skin stretched across broad shoulders, muscles contracting as he laughed and sipped from the red solo cup in his hand. You made your way toward him, almost knocking him over as you latched on to him like a child after losing their parents in the grocery store. 

“I know those arms, anywhere.” 

He chuckled against you, leaning into you as you hugged him from behind. You stilled against him, muscles retracting in relief as just his aura brought you an immeasurable amount of peace. His laughter stopped as he felt tiny drops hit the skin at the middle of his spine and before you could protest he turned around, taking you in. His blue orbs searched you for injury, it wasn’t like you to look so panicked, especially in public settings. This behavior was not like you in any sense and he couldn’t figure out for the life of him what was going on. So, he did what he did best. He picked you up, guiding your arms and legs around his neck and torso in a koala like hold and carried you to his bedroom, knowing that whatever was plaguing you couldn’t be shared in front of the other two stooges. As he entered the threshold of his bedroom, he placed you onto the blue satin sheets that you loved so much, the coolness against your skin was already soothing you as Rafe parted your knees and wedged his body between them, balancing on the balls of his feet. Your eyes remained focused on the tan skin of his chest, his pectoral muscles built to such a degree that it made him look like a c-cup. You smiled briefly at the thought. 

“Peach, baby, what’s going on?” 

He asked, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear and rubbing his thumb across the skin of your cheek. 

“I-, were you and the boys sending me weird texts earlier?” 

You stuttered as you asked, afraid of his answer being yes, but also afraid of it being no. You wanted so badly for it to be a practical joke and for you not to have a reason to be scared. 

“No, baby. Why would you ask that?” 

You didn’t respond, simply handing over the phone, placing it in his hands and watching as he took in the conversation. His eyes darted back and forth as read the contents of the screen, stopping only when he was finished. 

“Are you alright, sweetheart?” 

He questioned, remaining in his spot between your legs. 

“I’m fine – that’s the last thing I need to hear right now, Rafe.” 

He swallowed thickly before retorting. 

“Well, what do you need to hear? What am I supposed to say about this? About you showing up on my doorstep every time you’re in trouble?” 

His words stung – he knew they had, shit, they had felt like vomit expelling from him, the twist of his insides after he lurched over the toilet ever present. That’s what he felt as he watched your face contort in sadness. 

“I don’t know, tell me this is fake, that it’s a joke, that I don’t have a reason to be scared. I mean, this paired with all the other weird shit, it just, I don’t know, okay? Sorry – I’ll go. I just didn’t know what to do. But, hey – I’ll figure it out.” 

You said, swaying on your feet as you stood, preparing to walk away from the room of the boy you loved. Your brain didn’t process any of what he said in normal emotion, it only registered that he was sick of you and you were adding stress to him and that was the last thing you ever wanted to do. He pulled you in by your wrist, making your face collide with the muscles of his chest as he rubbed your hair away from your face and craned his neck to plant a kiss on your forehead. 

“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean that the way it came out. I want to help you, okay? You are not going to navigate this by yourself, peach. I’d die if something happened to you. Now, I think I may have an idea.” 

You pulled your head away from his chest, meeting his eyes with question laced in yours. 

“What did you have in mind?” 

You asked, moving to sit on the bed again and Rafe followed your lead, plopping down parallel to you before turning to face you. 

“Well – it seems like all this stuff is related, that weirdo at your house and these texts. I’m worried someone is stalking you, sweetheart.” 

He said, blue eyes boring into yours and you had to fight the urge to laugh at him. 

“Stalking? Come on, Rafe – as if. I’m not special enough for someone to stalk me.” 

You muttered.

“Peach – yes you are. Just because you can’t see that, doesn’t mean it’s not possible, baby.” 

He replied, grabbing your hands in his. 

“Okay, so what’s your big idea? I mean what are we supposed to do? We don’t even know who it could be.”  

You stated matter-of-factly. 

“I think we should be boyfriend and girlfriend.”

He replied and you were shell-shocked, the question and confusion written on your face. 

“Huh? Like for real?” 

You asked. 

“I mean – I need to protect you and come on, it’s not so far off for us, is it? The idea of being your fake boyfriend for a while, I mean. No one will come near you if you’re with me, sweetheart and it just means more time with my Georgia peach.” 

He said, smiling from ear-to-ear. 

“How long are we supposed to keep this up?” 

You questioned. ‘Forever, I hope’ he thought as he stared into your sweet face. 

“As long as it takes.” 

He replied, pushing his thoughts down. 

“Okay, but we have to make it look real, Rafe. People will figure it out otherwise, we can’t just act like we usually do.” 

You said and he curled his eyebrow upward. 

“What do you propose, Peach?” 

He asked.

“I mean – we could kiss?” 

You said, almost in the form of a question and he leaned forward, pressing his lips to yours. You were shocked, mostly because it felt the way it was supposed to, the way you had always daydreamed about, electricity running from your mouth to the tips of your toes. You pulled away after a moment and looked at him. 

“Just practicing.” 

He said, a smirk lifting on one side of his mouth. You couldn’t help but smile and wished so badly that one day, this would all be real. 

as always, if you'd like to be added to my taglist, please let me know <3

taglist:

@maybankslover @inthelibrarybtw

[charmedreincarnation]

Hi Maya! my name is Claire and I got into the void state, shifted and manifested my dream life using your lucid dreaming guide, and your recommended subliminals!

I think lucid dreaming is the easiest way to do anything spiritual related because dreams are the link of reality to the subconscious. I have now entered the void, shifted, and practice manifesting while using lucid dreaming. I had been trying for 3 years and your guide really gave me clarity I needed to complete my journey. This was a couple of months ago when I first read your post that I got my dream life so I just want to share my experiences in case it could help others!

Sooo….I first restarted my journey after downloading tumblr. I knew I wanted to do lucid dreaming so I did my research and found your guide and the rest is history. I started small, and after using FILD I combined that with your intention method and your recommended subliminals and it sped up my journey. I crawled before I walked and I first started with having small manifestations using lucid dreaming

In my lucid dreams

*I practiced driving in lucid dreaming and manifested my license

*I practiced my public speaking and manifested less anxiety

*i talked to my guardian Angel. It took form of an owl, which is the first spiritual experience I ever had.

Then I went bigger and tried shifting. After a week of practice I got lucid dreaming down and could become lucid every night.

Then I shifted. Best day of my life and I had no plans so I ended up shifting to a reality where no men exist 😭 it was honestly so fun and I spent a week of dr time telling women about what men are, what they do, and the oppression women in this reality faced. It was in a futuristic yet renaissancey type like reality. Anyways as I explored this new society I discovered something miraculous: the disappearance of men has actually created harmony. Women are now able to focus on themselves and the things that matter most to them without worrying about the men.This newfound bliss didn’t last long however as I soon realized that a new problem had emerged. With the absence of men many essential tasks were left undone. And so, the women of our society had formed a collective economy in order to fill this void.One of the most peculiar duties that the women had assumed was to take care of the sheep. With no shepherds to take care of them, women used their skills to care for these animals and protect them from the elements. They have become so adept at this task that they have perfected it. The lack of men may have been a dramatic adjustment, but it has made for a joyful and empowering society.

When I came back I made a list of realities, like self created ones, tv shows, books, etc that I wanted to shift my awareness to and historic past places I wanted to visit. I spent a lot of time doing that, I was barely ever in this cr tbh and I enjoyed it throughly. I decided then that I was going to one day permanent shift and explore the infinite vast world for eternity. When I came back to this reality after having the first initial exploring crave I realized I hated my life lmfaooo. But I knew about the void and started reading stories about that and then I decided I wanted to change my life here too.

I mean.. I have the multiverse to my will so might as well fix this life here too. I hated coming back to this reality after my shifts because my parents were abusive, I was kind of ugly, and my life had gone to shit. I didn’t really care to change it because I was barely here anyways but after reading Neville and the law and understanding that “clones” really don’t exist and I’m just switching states I decided up stop being such a loser and realize it’s all me and only me. Anyways I manifested a complete change in my life in every aspect. I don’t really care to make a list but I am gorgeous, my family is revised to be old money rich, loving,and taken care of, my house is 30,000 sq feet,revised my name to Claire (it’s so pretty I love it) I have a loving boyfriend who is into shifting and spirituality as well, and so much more. I still do plan to permanent shift one day and I reserve to sundays for exploring the multiverse but I want to enjoy this reality now.

I thought being here was an accident after shifting, but nope everything happens bc you intended to and it’s so goddamn beautiful. This came out super ranty and lame but I just wanted to share in case I motivated anyone! I still sometimes come on tumblr so can I be your 🎐 anon. I love seeing all the success stories and everyone living their best life ! Anyways the best tips I can give you as a stranger who has been through all this is be kind to yourself and never give up. You found it all for a reason and you deserve to have everything and you will.

The first reality you shifted to reminds me of a very vivid dream I had four months ago. Regardless anyways your entire experience is so beautiful and I relate a lot to your experience I’m glad you have found happiness in every reality including this one beloved :)! Thank you for sharing 🎐 anon

[porflenet]

NSFW HC's | König

tags: nsfw MDNI, mean!König, dom!König, degradation+praise, hunter/prey (just mention), little bunny/slut/whore/bitch used as a gn!term, gn!reader, rough sex, jealous/obsessive!König, master used for König, edging to König, overstimulation to reader.

word count: 1993

commentary: This man awakes things in me, this gif of him awakes things in me. Just take this König brainrot, tried my best to make it completly gn, if you see something that was gendered please do tell me so. English is not my first language, enjoy!

König takes a long time to cum, when he was younger he got pretty frustrated while trying to pleasure himself, always edging himself without wanting it, not being able to finish because he was taking way longer than he wanted to.

Getting older he learned how to pleasure himself, but unconsciously developed a liking for edging, which makes him get pretty rough when he is about to finally have an orgasm.

He has anxiety and it shows in how he loves control. Everything needs to be the way he wants to, or he will be mad. Of course he doesn’t have the harshness of a Colonel in bed, but definitely the authority.

He is mean, but normally he is a good mix of degradation and praise. Even more when he is back from a mission that went south, or he had a stressful day in base, degrading you until you’re crying and cumming all over his cock, making sure you’re overstimulated until the words coming out of you sound more like a false language, tears falling from your eyes while you desperately tries to get away from his hold, his cock deep inside you while his hold in your hips start to mark your skin with a mix of red and purple. 

He subconsciously lets everything go when he is with you, hand on your neck while the other holds you in place against him, forcing you to hump over his clothed bulge. The way you whine quietly and hold on to him with all your strength while you make a mess on his cargo pants. He loves watching you lose yourself while trying so hard to not make a sound.

That’s why he is addicted to fucking you where there is a high chance of you two getting caught. At first his anxiety would win over his wants, even if you looked so tempting getting down on the ground of the armory to take some bullets that fell down, or how your ass was in the perfect position to just take you right there while you were leaving your report on his office.

But once he gets over his initial paranoia, you better run if you’re not that comfortable with quickies all over the base. He is a Colonel after all, and what if he abuses his power to have his way with you whenever he wants?

He adores to see you fighting for your life to not make a sound or to stay as still you can when someone enter the room you two are fucking behind some boxes, while he keep thrusting into you making your legs lose it’s strength, forcing him to hold you up and go deeper into you. The way you let go a shake breath, almost groaning, when whoever that was around finally leaves the place, only for him to go harder, his cum shooting inside you while he covers your mouth to muffle the moan you make while milking his cock with your orgasm. 

You’re his nasty little bunny (he will call you his little bunny independent of gender/stature), his favorite pet name for you since I think he is a big fan of hunter/prey, and he would make sure to treat you as such, even more when it’s punishment time. 

Like I said before, he is mean on default, but if he is angry at you, this man shows you his colors. Maybe you smiled too much at a rookie, or you laughed too loud to a joke that he didn’t tell, hell, when he is in one of his moods, just not looking at him enough is a reason for you to be bent over, ass up and taking everything he does because you’re just a whore who doesn’t know your place.

He is pretty possessive and jealous, he doesn’t share what is his, and he will protect you no matter what he needs to do, and when I say that I mean it for real. What are some more war crimes if it means you’re safe and in his arms? 

He doesn’t really like to use his mask while with you, not because he associates it with his job or anything, mostly because it’s quite annoying needing to move it out of his mouth when he wants to kiss or eat you out. But when he wants to punish you he puts it on, because he knows how you get when he is in his full gear, and he wants to make sure you completely lose it for him only.

Little to no prep in moments like this, he knows you can take it, maybe it will hurt but you had worse don’t you? After all you’re just a slut pet who forgot who your owner is, he needed to make you remember, right? You may complain from the pain at the beginning, but you will be moaning his name in no time.

Bites you all over, making sure the mark of his teeth is well seen all over your neck and shoulders. Bites the inside of your things while shoving three finger inside you in one go, you groan in pain but fuck, you loved when he is like this.

He almost cum in his underwear hearing you beg for him to use his mouth, cock, anything that is better than his fingers, not like it wasn’t amazing to have them inside of you like this, but you needed more.

He makes you beg and apologize multiple times, it’s your fault that he needs to do this, or else you will lose your focus on him, how could you smile like that at that weak rookie? You know that you’re only allowed to be this tempting only for him, don’t you know how many of the others in the base wished they were the one to fuck your brain numb like this? You better be sorry for being such a whore with everybody.

Tears fall from your eyes out of frustration and overstimulation, desperate for him to just forgive you, you’re such a good toy for him, you just want to be used by him, only him, you’re his good little bitch.

   “Please, Kö! Fuck me already! I need you inside me so much, I need to feel your big cock in me, please!” You say weakly while you grab the arm he is using to fuck you numb, looking pitifully at him while you feel another orgasm approaching. 

  “Kö?” His voice was deep and husky with need, pushing his three fingers deep inside you again while watching you roll your eyes while arching your back. Getting closer to you to whisper in your ear “You know what I like to be called, little bunny.”

  You try your best to control your orgasm and let the words out, only to almost scream the words while the orgasm leaves you seeing white dots and your body arching uncontrollable  “M-Master! I’m your bitch, your good pet, your- Hnng!” He hits that special place inside you making you almost choke in your words. “Per- Perfect toy! Fuck! Just shove your cock in me Master, fuck, please, please!”

The way this man fucks you after you use the magic word is insane, he wanted to watch you break a little longer, but his dick was painfully hard, and hear you beg like this, how could he deny what his perfect toy want so much?

König grabs your hair with his free hand while taking out his fingers from inside you, a sound of complain escaping your lips while you are pulled by your hair to kneel down on the ground, while he struggles to quickly open his belt with one hand while he hungrily licked his finger under his hood, making sure to make it as loud as possible alongside with his moans so to watch you shake in pleasure under him.  

Shoving down his pants and underwear to free his cock, rubbing it around your face, making his precum join all the mess of fluid over your face.

He pushes the tip against your lips and you gladly comply, opening your mouth the most you can so he can shove his dick inside, hitting the back of your throat in one thrust making you gag involuntarily. The groan that left his lips was brutal, making your whole body shake in pleasure and roll your eyes back while the fucked your mouth, holding you by your hair, forcing you to stay in place.

Being only able to see his eyes behind the mask while he looked down on you, you knew the bastard was smirking watching you cum hard while you got throat fucked. Your throat was amazing, but König was too lost in your punishment to be able to cum just with that, he needed to cum deep in your hole so you would be forever marked by him.

When König finally lets go of you, and you finally manage to swallow your saliva mixed with his precum, the relief of finally having air back into your lungs makes you almost fall to the ground, but you two weren’t done yet, you still had a lesson to learn.

Your Master grabs you by the hair again, pulling you up to guide you back to the bed. Pressing your head against the bed, while his other hand grabbed your hips and forced you to keep your ass up for him.

He shoves his dick inside in one trust, fucking you fast and hard, chasing his own high feeling your hole tight around his dick just the way he liked it, when you were so out of it from the pleasure that your body reacting on its own, moving so that your hips clashed against his, wanting more and more of the intoxicating feeling the man always manage to bring to you.

You were making a mess of saliva, tears and cum on the sheets under you, trying to hold onto anything around you like your life depended on it, the groans and moans escaping you hurting your throat that you knew you wouldn’t be able to even talk tomorrow, or walk if you were being honest.

His breath was out of control, it had been a while that he had lost the rhythm of his hips, he was so fucking close, he needed to fill your hole with his cum so fucking bad, but the knot in his belly completly refused to let go. In frustration he pulls his mask out, feeling the need of extra air in his lungs.

König pulls your hair maybe way too hard, forcing you to get up and crash your back against his chest, his other arm holding you against him by hugging you tightly by your hip, letting go of your hair to close his hand around your neck.

Your moans and frantic breath close to his ear, feeling your crazed heartbeat against his chest and hand, the sounds your hole made each time he thrusted inside you, God he was so fucking close.

He bites your shoulder hard, making you moan loudly before he finally cum inside you, you swear something on your brain broke, you didn’t cum again, mostly because you were too far gone at this point. Incapable of feeling anything besides the pleasure he gives you, your whole body feels so heavy, your mind in a fog that doesn't dissipate even if you had the strength to try. 

König stays still, making sure all of his cum gets inside of you before he tries his best to gently let both of you collapse on the bed, turning around so you would be on top of him, still deep inside you to make sure you get properly marked. 

Taking his time so both of you catch a bit of your senses back before he whispers in your ear. You’re only mine, little bunny.

[nekoooooo-p]

Hello! May i can ask 4 frei or charles (hello charlotte) like ur partner?, sorry my english is bad t_t

A/N: My English is not perfect either, haha, and of course you can! If your native language is Russian, I can translate, but only if Russian is the only other language I know... Also sorry for disappearing, I'm a little burned out.

Okay, let's go!

Warn: I cover up the holes in my ignorance of the canon with slight romance and OOC. I played Charlotte not so long ago, but I almost forgot some of the characters, and unfortunately Charlie n Frei is one of those characters...Please forgive me for this...

Hello Charlotte! Headcanons: Charles and Frei - your partners.

~Charles Eyler~

× Charles worries about you when you do something sloppy.

× He loves spending time with you.

× You communicate mainly on the Internet, but in reality you also know each other.

× He tries to protect you as much as possible if something happens, and if it doesn’t work out, he helps you psychologically and physically after the incident and apologizes very long and sadly.

× Perhaps he will write about you in his fanfic.

× Charles is a good listener.

× If he falls in love with you, he will try to do everything to make you feel good... even if he doesn’t succeed, know that he tried very hard.

× He will also torment himself for a long time about his failure, turning it over in his head and thinking about where he's fucked up. Please support him.

× In the same case of falling in love, he will be the first to suggest you run away. Anri will also receive an offer, but after you. But accepting his offer or refusing, like Anri, is your choice.

× He will reveal himself to you completely sooner or later.

× The tulpa treats you with aggression. Charles is incredibly irritated by this. Scarlett thinks that you are preventing Charles from concentrating on his studies and Mother.

× And frankly, she's right.

× Charlie is very shy to kiss you. Therefore, you will have to take the first step.

× He trusts you.

× He appreciates you.

× Please trust and appreciate him in return.

× You (don’t) want everything to be fine =), do you?

Dark lace dividers: prayr on Tumblr

pic from Tumblr: albedoxkeo

~Frei~

× If you mean Frei, then keep in mind that your subconscious itself gives the appearance of the Parasite.

× Who knows what he might look like in your head?

× Frei - a reflection of you from the inside. He is the truth. Horrible and rude in places.

× Parasites are basically sarcastic companions, aren't they? But if you were in harmony with yourself, it would be easier for you to bear it.

× Well.

× Frei.

× Your partner.

× Partner or partner?

.

.

.

× "I cleaned up your Library. Isn't your head clearer?"

× He doesn't care if the library suddenly looks creepy. This is your mind. It was important to him to clean up the mess, and if he exposed old wounds in your head... it's just you. You. The host of the parasite.

× "I came up with a new melody. Will you listen?"

× He started playing without your decision. As you can see, he doesn't care a bit.

× He often gives wise advice. It's worth listening to him. Now he is your subconscious.

× However, you don't have to listen to him. His job is to voice advice.

× He loves to play with your hair. If they are long. If it's short, he just combs your hair sometimes with a small comb. If they are very short, then he obviously doesn't do it. But he can pat you on the head.

× The more you communicate, the more you grow together and become one. Rotting.

× Speaking of how you could work as partners....

× He gives you advice and puts order in your head, dispelling fog and anxiety. And you follow his advice.

× By the way, having someone like Frei in your head is also very convenient because if you have an exam ahead, he will have time to sort out the memories you need. Convenient, isn't it?

× ...as ...partner.

× He's very tactile.

× Honestly, this is self-cest. Don't you think? Especially if he didn’t love you right away, having gotten into your head.

× However, he cares and appreciates you from the very beginning. Albeit from one’s own needs and benefits.

× He's cruel, but he does it for you. Revealing the rotten truth is better than always getting dust in your eyes, right?

× Despite his tactility, he only kissed you once or twice at best.

× You may have started to feel sleepy. How strange.

× He doesn't like being ignored. He will force you to pay attention to him.

× For example, he will scatter your thoughts so that your head is a mess, he will slip in incorrect memories and do all sorts of mischief, until you attack him in your sleep shouting “stop it!”

× He's not a Yandere. He simply hates being ignored. Therefore he will do it.

.

.

× ...Yandere Frei is a topic for a separate, albeit not large, post. (almost not a hint:D)

[luxismygf]

A deep dive into the way I think about Syo and Toko’s relationship with each other and how they share information.

I guess describing their relationship as sibling-like would make sense, but I feel like it goes even deeper than that. Not only are they bound by blood, but they are bound by body and mind as well. Toko and Syo are destined to be connected for the rest of their lives, they have to be close in some ways. I do believe that Toko resents Syo to some degree, she is a serial killer after all, but deep inside her she acknowledges and appreciates the fact that Syo does protect her. She either kills people who have hurt Toko previously or people who have a chance of hurting her. Syo cares about Toko and does go out of her way to make sure she is alright. She also does not accept or speak on anything for Toko, an example being when Komaru gave her a hug and an apology that was meant for Toko. Instead of making it into a joke or accepting it on her behalf Syo openly told her she did not have a right to accept it. She wanted Toko to receive it because she knew what it would mean to her and she didn't want to invalidate her. At least, that's how I see it.

Of course, the both of them would never admit that they are even the slightest bit reliant on one another, but I fully believe they are. Syo would not have formed if their subconscious believed Toko had the capacity to handle life of her own. I think they confide in each other when they deem it necessary. Talking in head-space is confusing and anxiety inducing for Toko as she still hasn't fully grasped the idea of it, so they communicate mostly through a notebook they have had for years. Switching is not a rapid thing most of the time so they write each other long paragraphs in order to speed up the process. The topics they discuss vary, but I believe it is mostly the intense, emotional stuff they can't really tell anyone else. It is the deepest, darkest parts of both of them. They don't allow anyone else to look in that notebook, not even Komaru.

I don't think they would ever refer to each other as friends, they view their relationship as something more forced than that, but sisters doesn't sit right with me either. I am fully sure that they care for and like each other at least a little bit though. I think when you're stuck with someone for that long and you go through hell together you form a bond that is oddly stronger than just friendship. The relationship I imagine for them doesn't even have a clear definition. In a way it is the deepest form of human connection people can form with each other. It is so interesting to think about.

This is almost all speculation, by the way. The way they really feel about each other will literally never be revealed and that's totally okay. I just have brain-rot and they never leave my mind.

[garpond]

i feel like i have a lot to say about ocd now that ive been working towards teaching myself ERP for the better part of a year.. probably one of the most useful things to me was learning to visualize OCD as something like an ai large language model. or generative image ai or something if your ocd comes in more as visuals. but thats the best way ive found to explain how it works. even though your mind really knows how to hit on your worst fears, its important to remember that the part of your brain responsible for intrusive thoughts doesn't actually know what it's saying... it only learns what is a "threat" and what isn't based on your reactions to things and the thoughts that happen in your conscious mind. but that's all it is- the use of your conscious awareness/memories/learned information/etc to pick out patterns and use those patterns to send you thoughts.

Like... imagine you for some reason decided to train an LLM to generate messages that scare you. at first the messages arent tailored to you at all, just random potentially scary things it's drawing from its machine-learning understanding of what concepts are "scary". most of them don't bother you, but eventually it makes one that really freaks you out. in response, you give a positive rating to this message, and the Ai knows that *this* is what you want when you say "scary". so after this, the AI just keeps using this positively-rated message to make related scary things, or even just re-hash that same exact message and repeatedly send it to you. since it got your feedback on that one, it now knows that this is what it is "supposed" to be doing, so it's just going to keep doing that, even though it doesn't actually understand WHAT it's saying the way a human being would.

that's basically all OCD is, believe it or not. it's a type of anxiety disorder that occurs when a random thought from your subconscious was reacted to with an amount of fear and distress that signaled to the brain that the content of the thought must be a threat, and that something needs to be done to neutralize it. but again, your brain doesn't actually understand what the thought was, or what the threat was supposed to Be. All it wants is this: to "warn" you about the Scary Thing all of the time, since clearly you are very worried about it, and to get you to do something to Protect Yourself From Scary Thing. It doesn't know wtf is going on!! For all it knows, maybe your house is filled with deadly snakes and that's what you're so afraid of all the time, so it needs to remind you to watch out for snakes and it can only relax when your brain activity indicates that you Have in fact watched out for snakes. But it doesn't grasp the situation itself- only the mechanics of it. This snake situation could just as easily be "oh my god what if i dropped my credit card in the gas station I need to walk around the whole building again staring at the floor and then check my bag and then check my bag Again and" and your brain genuinely will not know the fucking difference. It only grasps "scary thing, neutralizing thing" chain of events, and your level of fear when it sends you the prompt to Watch Out. This is how OCD perpetuates itself- it sends you a Scary Thought complete with a large fear reaction, and when you Do The Thing, it serves as positive feedback for the brain and it thinks "wow, looks like there was a threat! I'm doing a good job. I'll continue." It's not trying to hurt you, and it doesnt KNOW anything about the situation that you don't... it just has no idea what's going on because it wasn't built to, and it's doing its best. It didn't evolve to understand situations the way your conscious brain does. It only evolved to make you react to things that scare you fast enough to keep you alive. And so consequently, it doesn't grasp whether or not the thing it's making you worry about actually makes any practical sense. And this is where ERP comes in, because the way to get your brain to Let Go of that topic is to train it in reverse. Just like you'd train an AI, basically. ERP preventing a response is basically teaching you how to train your brain that there is no threat, and that's why we don't have to do the action. The less you do the action/compulsion, the more times you send your brain the message that this thought isn't important, this isn't something that needs to be worried about, and it doesn't have to keep sending you that intrusive thought and anxiety. And it works!! If you would have told me a year ago that I would make as much progress as I had I probably would have started crying because I didn't think it was possible but here I am. It's possible to take your life back and learn how to keep OCD manageable! It just takes patience, trust in yourself (which you have to build from the ground up which is HARD and SUCKS but please keep at it), and a willingness to learn about OCD and how it functions. but it's been helpful for me, so helpful that I cannot recommend it enough

[ponuchuu]

nick hello!!! i hope you don’t mind me stopping by with a little pry into more puppergear stuff if you’d be willing to share 🌸 i was flicking through their tag and seen their trope is rivals to lovers and was wondering ( if you’ve not spoken about it before ) if there were any key moments between niko and wanderer that sort of … made them second guess the rivals title of their relationship lol! who begins to develop feelings for who first? and when? is there a particular moment where they realise and how does that effect how they interact with eachother in the future? 🥺🙏🏻

hi vana !! happy to see your in my inbox ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

IT GOT LONG ILL PUT IT UNDER THE CUTE HELLPP

hmmm... if for a specific moment that made them question their "rivalry" ? i dont think theres a define moment that does that-- idk if theres a like, another way to describe them but their dynamic is more "mild annoyance to frineds to lovers" more than actual enemies or rivals but its easier to imagine when using those title so i feel like its more like their weird grudges against each other just fade out after they spend time with each other (usually and mostly unwanted at first cause they attended the akademiya so seeing each other is inevitable and theres rlly no one niko knows either plus they keep going to places the other find comfort in so💀)

BUT !!!!! there is one moment where their relationship turned from "my feelings towards him is probably unrequited" to "are we...?" is after their biggest fight yet !

now i have a whole timeline here to show you how long it took for them to become an official couple, but i havent reallt talked about what kind of fight it is--

usually whenever they have banters and such, its mostly sarcastic or just over stupid stuffs (and the venom slowly losing as they became friends) but after one or the other got hurt from trying to protect the other that they have a dull blown serious verbal fight because they care way too much about the other that seeing them hurt just trigger that deep anxiety buried deep inside them. It ended with them lying on the grass, tired, looking at the night sky as they take their breathe and calmed down, instead of feeling heavy from the fight (altho it does linger somewhat) they feel this weird warmth from knowing the other person got so mad because they care for each other a lot--

OK SO !!! who fell first ? god this gonna sound so cheesy--

niko fell first, he doesn't know when or why it happened but he just suddenly feel himself becoming more and more jittery the more they hang out-- suddenly he became worried whetehr or not his appearance mattered that day and what word to pick despite never even paying attention to both of those things before, he found himself staring at him longer and whenever he got caught, his face would burn.

you bet he was in deep denial about it tho-- sleepless night chanting to himself as if thinking about it more would remove his crush or something--

but even tho niko is the one who fell first, wanderer fell way harder, when he realized he started having feeling for local stupid inventor, his immediate reaction was 'how annoying' and believes it was going to fade soon-- after all none of his past fling when he was scaramouche ever lasted. but unfortunately he was way too wrong. whenever niko didn't show up in their usual (unoffical too might i add) hang out spot, he found himself frowning, he'd think 'finally some peace' but his eyes can't help but dart towards the grass next to him where niko usually sit (heck he almost called niko by name out of habit before realizing). if niko didn't show up on one of his particular bad days, he'd find himself way more pissed before noticing he was subconsciously looking for him for comfort (heck he'd probably fly over to places niko mentioned like visiting in hope of finding him there and "accidentally" bumping into him again.). Also he gets jealous so easily its insane, he likes (or just pretend) to think he's good at hiding his jealous or just his feelings in general but then he'd subtly glare at whoever niko was talking to-- how dare they interrupted HIS conversation--

(the pic is more exaggerated but itd just be so similar to this help)

UM I HOPE THIS ANSWERED ALL YOUR QUESTION VANA !! IT ENDED UP WAY TOO LONG IM SO SORRY 😭😭😭😭

[animalsmadeoutofglass]

Yapping about Mouthwashing (as someone who is hyperfixated on it)

Note: this is just my opinion, and I tend to get very nervous or even scared sharing my thoughts on things. But I’m taking my chances in hopes that this community seems nicer than others I’ve been in in the past.

Please know I am completely open to other’s opinions, just be kind. Please understand that I am not a victim of S/A but have my own trauma regarding men (I’m not going to traumadump, that’s fucked up). And please be warned that I will be talking about heavy topics such as:

- S/A, manipulation, character death(might come up?), Jimmy (take this as a joke or not. I put it just in case someone does find him to be a triggering character) and spoilers for the game.

All in all, my opinion isn’t anything groundbreaking. I share the same as many others, but also try to see those who share different, too. But, maybe unlike the majority, I really struggle to like Curly. Not that his character is poorly written (because it’s not) but more because of his actions. I am aware of the fact that there was only so much he could do while he was captain, or that he himself was also a victim to Jimmy’s manipulation. I know it couldn’t have just been Anya given that we know the two men where friends prior. But it still hurts me greatly. Maybe because I find comfort in Anya as a character. It could also be that I see myself in Curly and it upsets me. I want to grab him by the shoulders and say ‘you need to grow a spine. Do not be a doormat. Fight against this and do what you can regardless of Jimmy being your best fucking friend.’ It’s silly, I know.

But when I see people treating him like ‘he’s baby’ or saying things like ‘that’s my husband’, it’s a bit confusing knowing he enabled Jimmy’s behaviour. Maybe that’s due to a number of reasons on my end. I’ve never been one to be like that. Even for characters I love (like Daisuke and Nyon). I’m always going to see Curly as someone who, subconsciously or not, was an enabler. I’ve also seen a lot of people bring up the capitalistic system, and I very much agree with it. Only problem is that I really struggle on how to word it. I try to talk about things I know I can confidently say without it sounding too ignorant. This doesn’t mean I don’t see Curly as a victim— I do.

I find Anya as a comfort character due to my own experiences. She’s seen trying to appease and keep Jimmy calm or prevent him from getting upset the best she can by being apologetic, kind, admitting the other is right even if she may not believe it. I tend to do these too when I’m around someone who is triggering anxiety or panic in me. She does this all to keep the peace in game the best she can. I do not think she’s weak or fragile. I do not want to frame her that way. I think she’s so powerfully written. The men around her seeing her or assuming due to her more quiet and shyer nature to be nothing more than that. A nurse who is weak, shy, fragile, and in need of protecting and being too sensitive / emotional. Which is so wrong. She’s a brave, strong woman who made the choice to see past people’s actions in hope. Of not wanting to label them as ‘monsters’. I feel as if Daisuke was the only one who didn’t treat her like this (and maybe Swansea). He was just looking out. He cared so much for someone who was wronged. I like to believe that Swansea could’ve done something. I like to give him the benefit of the doubt, judging by him being sober when him and Anya were discussing either what happened between her and Jimmy and/or him saving the pod for Daisuke. There’s so much more I could say, but I’m terrible at wording things.

I got sidetracked, so sorry this is randomly cut. When I get an urge to do this again I’ll just repost and go from here. I may take this down if I get too nervous. I really do hope this makes sense and everything is worded correctly.

[catboyidia]

sorry if you're getting SPAMMED with omega Genesis asks, BUT. your baby fever post got me thinking.

what would Genesis be like while pregnant. how would Angeal/Seph be around him (I imagine when Angeal found out he was just absolutely weeping while Sephiroth stood there processing with this face: 😀)

lots of love!! ♥️♥️♥️

ah no don’t worry! i’m not minding it all! if anything i’m actually kinda surprised my interpretation of it is liked enough that i have gotten multiple asks about it :) if anything i’m just more worried i won’t be able to answer the way people want lol <3

as for my thoughts on how genesis is during the pregnancy:

- definitely the ultra emotional type, he will cry over everything whether it be happy, sad, or angry

- more clingy than usual, and he needs near constant love and support from angeal and sephiroth

- all of his insecurities and anxieties kick into total overdrive, especially the further into the pregnancy he gets, furthering his need for support from angeal and sephiroth, which also makes him feel worse because he hates the feeling of bothering them by always needing reassurance

- closer to the end of his pregnancy he’s not able to be as independent as he would like, and he absolutely hates it, not because he dislikes having angeal and sephiroth’s help, but because he hates needing to be so dependent on them, and at times he feels almost guilty for it

- but sometimes he is also just so fed up with being pregnant, or angeal or sephiroth will do something he doesn’t like, and he will make angeal or sephiroth do things for him with the excuse of “you’re the ones who did this to me, its the least you can do” just to be petty

- he gets ridiculous cravings, except half the time it’s for inedible things

- he gets ultra protective over his unborn baby and does everything in his power to keep it as safe as possible, and is constantly worried about the babys wellbeing

and as for angeal and sephiroth:

- finding out genesis was pregnant, i also definitely think angeal was super emotional, like the most emotional any of them have ever seen angeal, and it’s the best moment of his life

- angeal immediately goes into full dad mode though, and he is the dream “will do absolutely anything for genesis and their unborn baby” husband kind of guy

- sephiroth definitely takes a little longer to process it, and he definitely has much more he needs to learn about pregnancy and whatnot, but he’s just as happy as angeal (even though he doesn’t show it like angeal)

- sephiroth definitely tries to be as supportive as he can possibly be for genesis though, even if he’s unsure how exactly he’s supposed to go about it

- while angeal obviously does a lot for genesis, i feel like the things sephiroth does to try to help genesis are a lot more subtle, just small things that in the long run make life easier for genesis

- angeal is just as protective over the unborn baby as genesis is, to the point he refuses to let genesis do a lot of things in worry something might go wrong and it’ll hurt genesis or the baby

- angeal and sephiroth try their best to keep genesis comfortable, which gets harder the longer the pregnancy goes on, but neither of them mind doing whatever it takes, even if it inconveniences them

- neither of them ever complains about needing to do things for genesis, or needing to comfort genesis, even if sometimes they do get a little tired of it

- i think surprisingly, not only does genesis get super clingy, but angeal and sephiroth do too, the three become more inseparable than usual

- they both commonly cuddled genesis while subconsciously resting their hands on genesis’ stomach, which also meant eventually they would feel the baby kicking, and the first time sephiroth felt it i think he probably looked like a confused kid at first, wondering if it was supposed to do that, but after having it explained to him they got to see a rare sephiroth smile! and when angeal first felt it, i think he immediately got super giddy about it (and i’m entirely convinced angeal is the type to kiss genesis’ stomach and try to talk to the baby)

[rin-henricov]

Are you feeling okey? I know you are having a bad time right now but just wanted to say I love your art and enjoy seeing your reblogs on my dashboard I know I'm terrible at comfort but just wanted to say that

To tell you the truth, when I got your message, my hands were shaking for a while. I am the type of person who tends to accumulate negativity for a long time, and when someone asks me what's wrong, I often fall into a stupor and do not find what to answer. I'm really sorry to have served as the cause of someone's anxiety, especially in a situation like this. I was diagnosed with astheno-depressive syndrome when I was 15, and lately suicidal thoughts have become as commonplace for me as, for example, reflections on what to make for breakfast. This is the third year I've been trying to do something I can't decide to do until now. I often imagine my last trip to the pharmacy, where I buy sleeping pills that can be purchased without a prescription, so that I can finish what I started. However, it scares me that at some point I may subconsciously take a smaller dose than the one that should lead to a fatal outcome: perhaps some part of me wants to be saved, but I still tend to think that this is nothing more than a protective reaction of the brain. I'm still alive, but only because of a heightened instinct for self-preservation. I am afraid of hurting myself and often think about what will happen to my family when I am gone. But I'm not sure how long I can hold out. I am very pleased that you like more than just my arts, and I just want to express gratitude for your support. I appreciate all the kind words that are said to me, so don't worry that you may have said something wrong! Promise that I will try to stay afloat as long as possible from now on. Take care of yourself, anon.

[ne0nwithazero]

Wait how is Klieg with Rouxls then? Not the nsfw part I mean Rouxls called Klieg his husband? sorry

Aromantic people can still get into relationships, have children etc etc :)

In my AU, Klieg is a bit awkward on the romance side as it does not come naturally to him At All and it often ends up feeling performative (Something which I also struggled with a Lot when I was in relationships...) so he often finds himself expressing his affection in other ways <:)

He's very comfortable with Rouxls and likes being around him a lot, which is super rare for him because Klieg very much struggles with anxiety and him being mean is his weird way to protect himself LOL He's like a cat whose idea of hanging out is just chilling in the same room as you even if you're not doing anything hehe

idk if they'd personally care to label their relationship a QPR or anything of the sort, but I feel it's closer to a very committed friendship, partners in crime sort of situation... Who end up having a daughter at some point in the timeline LOL

Rouxls is more than fine with this! Admittedly I've wanted to explore an arospec interpretation with him as well, but I never got around to it hehe He's bi and transmasc in my interpretation!

And Klieg is unhinged enough in his ways of expressing affection, if he was romantic about it it would just end up being overkill 🤣🤣 I get the feeling that Rouxls in my AU would be a bit stunned if romance was expressed to him?? I need to explore my take on him more, I feel like he definitely has some unresolved issues from ch1

On a personal note, the more I think about it, the more I realize that if I was partnering, I'd probably be Aro4Aro because it's just a completely different vibe, I can't quite put it into words here ;v;

hngkfj I get just a bit flustered talking about their relationship, but they're both really sweet... I posted about it the other day, but I worry that people would think their relationship is bad or unbalanced or that Rouxls is "missing out" or something like that because of Klieg being aro??? :(

That's just my own anxiety messing with me so I've subconsciously avoided talking about it even though it's not the first time I've explored these kinds of pairing dynamics with my aroallo characters

Rest assured they are happy and chaotic and getting sillier everyday <3

[spurgie-cousin]

watching my friend (who previously stated she respected people's pronouns and identity, and was a generally supportive and kind person) become slowly radicalized through instagram reels and becoming transphobic. fuck the algorithm. im not sure what to do. i send her info (im not rlly good at debating and making points) and try my best to dissect the video but she doesn't reply. i have a hard time making friends so its hard to distance myself. i also am bad at making points and arguing and finding sources.

i've also had people in my life radicalized online to various degrees, and yea, unfortunately, i don't think there is one set way to address that.

the problem is that the videos your friend is watching are confirming some sort of fear or anxiety they have about trans people, whether that fear is subconscious or not, and that is what is motivating them to interact with that kind of content as opposed to them actually wanting to learn about trans people/issues.

so when people are motivated only by having their biases confirmed, it doesn't matter how many facts you try to share with them. if they were concerned with that, they could very easily test their biases against mountains of documented, scientific information that is available to all of us at any given time of day (esp if your friend is a younger person and knows how to do basic internet research). at the end of the day we're all responsible for our own education, and i feel like if people purposefully avoid doing research on obviously controversial topics, it's for a reason; they want to keep believing the thing they believe (unless it's due to mental illness or something the person can't control, which is a whole 'nother rant).

they way i've dealt with it just depends on the person in question. for friends and acquaintances, it's usually too exhausting for me to have those kinds of people in my life who want to argue all the time and be cruel to minorities, so they just get cut out or put at an extreme distance (and if they ask why, i'm honest with them). if that's not an option for you my only advice is to make your beliefs very clear, and set boundaries as needed, like no political talk if this person is going to dehumanize trans people. or set a boundary for yourself, like if this person crosses this line, then i need to be done with them.

for family that this applies to, i just shut down all political conversations because they're pointless for the reasons i described above. i keep the lines of communication open as long as my own boundaries aren't crossed and am very vocal when they are. it's harder for me to cut them off for a lot of reasons, but mainly because i know i'm the only left-leaning person some of them even interact with and i guess i have this idea that if i can be a person they love who they know holds different beliefs, then maybe they'll connect the dots and realize that people who disagree with them can be worth knowing. and that they aren't the caricatures they've been fed by the conservative media.

anyway, this got way longer than intended sorry, it's a hard subject for sure. the tldr i guess would be: make your beliefs known, try to identify the emotional factor that's motivating their shitty behavior, and protect your own peace at all costs.

[that-is-just-so-typically-me]

The “ask for nothing from anyone” instinct that my traumatic relationship instilled in me runs so secretly yet powerfully in my subconscious… it’s actually terrifying as someone who generally feels like they know why they do what they do. I almost never catch when that part of me is in the driver’s seat, which is honestly for weeks and months on end until something truly random and innocuous happens that just luckily somehow illuminates the situation and I become of aware of what I have been doing. I think what I need to practice more is pausing when I catch this happening and remembering/imagining how the “me before she destroyed me” version of myself would react and act in the scenario I’m facing and what it would feel like to do that exact thing right now about this current situation, and then when that inevitably gives me anxiety or makes me roll my eyes at past me being a “stupid naïve needy child” or something, asking myself very direct and honest questions about why I think that way and whether that’s actually true perhaps or just my perception*. Just gently challenging those kinds of beliefs is so often the first step to dislodging them entirely.

*and a maladaptive coping mechanism that my brain came up with when my life was overturned overnight and tried to do its primary job (keeping my body alive) by trying to protect me from that ever happening again by making me never be any kind of burden or annoyance or “uncool” in any way because all of the foreshadowing to her leaving me was in the moments where she was clearly feeling annoyed or burdened by me and when she was the most attentive was when I captured her interest with something new and cool