#i think ill allow myself actually
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#can i post this here#i think ill allow myself actually#yeah ..#iforgot to post this one actually#fentnut be upon ye#throws these two at yo#i wish i could hold fent like a helpless miserable kitten#wingnut#fent#oc x canon#fentnut
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i got lazy in the second panel and didnt feel like coloring or whatever bite me
#i think she'd be petty enough to do this if rebecca actually lived#flirting with her man. unacceptable. eats#the trend of uzi in the suit and n in the dress is the funniest shit ever to me. n would be so willing to wear a dress#and she'd totally wear her combat boots over the pants. they're not going anywhere#she should be allowed to say fuck#art#murder drones#murder drones uzi#murder drones n#serial designation n#i can finally tag it myself exclamation mark#biscuit bites#uzi x n#murder drones nuzi#lizzy was recording it to send it to v i swear shes not just playing subway surfers#i dont understand outfit design in the slightest im just making it up as i go#ill figurre out a speechbubble design for uzi later im tired#oh yeah uhhh#murder drones rebecca#murder drones lizzy#hope i didnt forget anything ok bye
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The weekend isn't enough I've literally been passing out on the bus.
#ive had a teacher encourage us to protest cause my school is so big. Like a very small town level of big.#may it be that I dont eat or sleep or drink water or water based things?#Maybe but like.#School is draining my energy to be a person.#Failure after failure ans I cant fix it.#Ugh#I need years of sleep#or just time to myself#Every minute of my day is overtaken with assignments and worrying#I already have enough to deal with.#I cant keep doing this and yet limitations do not bind me.#Sigj#I know I keep sayinf “Ill reach my limit and snap one day” but im a liar#Sadly Im infinately adaptable to any situation no matter the gravity.#I just keep living like the specter I am.#Odd how living feels most like death. I imagine death is quite beautiful.#In another life I would be a poet. To bad my understanding of whatever composition is is nonecistany#Would be fun to dabble in poetry. How many things are you allowed to do?#Cause I write and draw and I want to learn music so I think learning poetry would be excessive.#And I dislike the formats#Haiku are to short.#Sonnets are actual hell on my brain I nearly killed someone trying to write one#Sigh.#If only random musings could get mw somewhere.#i feel so joyless#manic's joyless rants#Please dont tell me how being positive would help me I will straight up kill you#Positive thinking evades me and always has faking a smile and acting happy is not a thing I have energy for.
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so what that i slept in for the exam. my voice teacher just called to talk about yesterdays concert and said some truly insane shit that made me cry again (but like. in a good way lol) so who even gives a shit lol
#she can singlehandedly fix me#she said so many insanely beautiful things. about ME. i am still reeling from it.#also she said we 'clearly have the exact same vision when it comes to this aria' and im sooooo normal about it uwu#yes queen ill be your little bitch ill sing it exactly as you want it (except i WILL use chest voice sorry thats not optional)#anyway i hate this because see this is what my brain does now. i got so many insane compliments that now all i can think about is#“when will i lose it”. now im gonna live in fear that one day ill wake up and ill forget how to act.#that i will suddenly just lose all my idk stage presence and all my musicality. because i just cant have nice things#and i cant have things to actually be. if not exactly proud of. then at least happy about. im not allowed.#the moment i let myself believe it and truly appreciate and value myself and consider myself objectively good at something - ill lose it all#or rather - it shall be taken away from me to teach me a lesson. see for a person who doesnt believe in god#i sure do live in a constant conviction that he's just waiting for the opportune moment to lure me into a fake sense of safety and happiness#just to snatch it away at the peak of it if only to prove to me that i dont get to have nice things and i shouldnt dare to even want them#gotta love being normal
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i need to remember that i can become gayer if i pass my exams, which is a bigger motivator than just not wanting to redo them next year
#i told myself that i can get my eyebrows pierced IF. i passed all my exams last semesterr. which i didnt :3#i only failed like 2/6 which given the mood i was in during that entire time is GOOD.#but yeagh the promise of allowing myself to look cool couldnt pass the exams that time so were trying againn o7#and tbf i do think these subjects are easierrr but also. i deserve it.#if i dont pass all of them this semester it goes over onto the next BUT TTHEN.#id have to wait a while bc i am NOT piercing them over summer break when ill probs be camping for 3 weeks.#even during our canadatrip this summer i got too scaredy of my transverse lobe that i already had for like 6months soo =3=#i dont wanna do that#ohohhhhh i am already scaredy of it easily rejecting bc my transverse lobe left so early butt i think i can do proper management this timee#aka. fidgeting less and not. sleeping on them. :3#im so good at piercing care /s =w=bbb i totally am not currently having trouble with my 1year old second lobee :3c#whatevereee..#anyway. its 12pm lets actually get started on this studying thing and not use tumblr as an avoidant <3 save mee#sillyposting
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-n- okay yeah so arin made me some noodles with too much ginger a while ago and I've never liked ginger but it's like, impossible for me to tell when an aversion is autism and when it's mcas unless I way push it and trigger an obvious mast cell reaction, but those noodles triggered an atypical but fairly unambiguous reaction. so it's like okay guess I can't eat too much ginger. matt keeps making ginger cookies and suggesting that I eat them and I took him up on it this time and he's all "just one cookie will be fine" but no my mouth still hurts like it did with the pumpkin seeds. it's frustrating. at least I didn't like ginger anyway.
#as soon as I said (after eating it) 'idk I don't think I'm allowed to eat these'#he was immediately like 'does it hurt? do you need a benadryl? I'm getting you a benadryl.' so.#it's not that he's not taking it seriously it's just that he sees me push myself all the time#and also hears my own uncertainty about what is or isn't actually a problem for me#also his friend group includes several hypochondriacs of varying degrees#while I'm kinda the first with a really serious illness that isn't also old#so he's very used to having to push people
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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I'm not going to pretend it doesn't make me angry that I spend months and years trying to peddle my work to make ends meet, that I spend so much time mentioning my books and comms and everything, and people ignore that consisently... But the moment I finally break under the hopelessness - when it's obvious that it's fucking futile, that almost no one deems my work good enough to share with anyone else - suddenly they're concerned and scolding me. I'm working several jobs, bathing, generally keeping things clean, and I do this with several health problems including chronic pain. I found out that one of my cysts is growing and I may need to have it surgically removed. Which means potentially missing work to recover. Which means more money I lose. I spend so much time crawling out of the hole and it goes ignored, but the moment I just give up bc I don't have any strength left, suddenly that's my fault and I'm mentally sick. And that kind of makes me wish my entire situation upon people, and when they whine that it's hard, well fuck you, you thought I could ace it so surely you can, babe! I hate being angry about this, but it's just so exhausting to tell people who accuse me of not trying that I HAVE I HAVE SO FUCKING HARD AND YOU DID NOT PAY ATTENTION THEN Or you know you're attempting to gaslight me by claiming I didn't try despite that I obviously have worked my ass off trying, and that's so much fucking worse
#mcalhen personal#and I'm not saying I'm not mentally ill but ffs stop using it as a weapon to discredit people when they have the solutions right there#feels like people hate my writing and me and that's why I didn't go “I got the job” bc friends who never support me would be like#“I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU CONGRATS” cool I'm not I spend an entire day usually recovering from very calm shifts at a job I like#but the moment I publish a book it's not congrats it's I don't know this guy I don't know Cal and I'm gonna pretend I never saw anything#I don't even hate my goddamn job even tho it can be stressful but it's the easiest thing for mostly just 2 days a week#but it is not sustainable and I cannot survive on this and disability would be invasive as hell and y'all don't know shit about how they#treat disabled people in this country but goddamn I have watched that shit unfold with my autistic brother who can't work#and I can never help him at this rate#bc I can't help myself#I can't help anyone#and saying that is a big fucking issue with people who think if they say 'it gets better keep going' I'll magically unfuck my life#as if I haven't spent the entirety of my life trying to unfuck things#as if I didn't give myself an education in spite of my family#y'all never been threatened with physical violence bc you weren't supposed to ask for school supplies and it fucking SHOWS#I have learned so many things on my own time out of sheer desire to better myself and my situation#but at a point where nothing works out and each day is just filled with more bad news#at what point am I actually allowed to give up?#or am I supposed to just keep this up until I die with 40 more years of collected bullshit pain#bc if you want me to live like this for 40 years then... you never cared at all#and what's so stupid is that I really want to earn my living by doing the work#I work on my art and writing but let's just admit that it's pathetic already#no mental health services or pills will erase that I'm a pathetic garbage can of uselessness#also I realize no one owes me anything like boosting my work or w/e#but also don't ask me to turn rotten ingredients into a feast and say I'm not trying when I can't fucking do it
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"You don't look disabled/trans/bi/like a guy/sick/diabetic/mentally ill/neurodivergent/autistic/in pain"
*Fucking smacks you with my big paws*
#dorian speaks#for a lot of these it's just dealing with bigotry/blatant ignorance#and many people won't even listen to you if you try to explain#they'll just believe their own assumptions to be true#and as a result - they'll “suggest” things that are legitimately harmful/don't apply whatsoever#this has been particularly true for me being a T1 diabetic#and people not knowing how hugely different it is from T2 diabetes in most ways#like... T1 is something you couldn't HOPE to prevent if you tried and it can happen to literally anybody - it's AUTOIMMUNE#I don't have any known family history of ANY diabetes and I got it#people will assume I'm not “allowed” to take any spaces for the disabled#just because they don't see my disability (T1D... chronic joint pain... foot injury that won't heal due to circumstances... etc)#and people have specific beliefs of what LGBTQIA+ people “should look like” or whatever which is just... don't.#The “you don't look neurodivergent/autistic” shit is something a lot of people deal with#If you had seen me as a kid you'd definitely think I'm autistic (actually a lot of people did but only as a reason to bully me)#But like... do you expect me to act/behave/have the same experiences my ENTIRE life without ANY changes whatsoever?#You do realize people learn to cope/adapt to some stuff... right? The experiences will differ throughout life. Each person is different#Nobody bothered to diagnose me when I was still a kid and my country doesn't diagnose adults at all so... fun times being taken seriously#I won't “look” neurodivergent or even mentally ill because there's this little thing called MASKING#and I had to learn to do that to keep myself safe for much of my life (from judgement/abuse/etc)#which has brought its own challenges#People don't have to look/sound/behave/outwardly seem like they're something or dealing with something to be valid#Idk how to phrase any of this any better but I feel like a lot of this is stuff people have experienced to some extent
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I havent talked to my grandparents all year and seeing my grandpa try to call me made me think ohhh what if I was bein a lil bitch. Maybe I should give em a chance again. Then I found out my sibling cut them off too and that was enough to reel me back in lol fuck them
#seriously been thinking about them since I moved back bc they dont know im here#but since i started the process for goin back to school and lookin for a new job ive just been reminded#of how they literally never really helped with this and just made me feel bad for not doing it myself#and now my familys helping and supporting me and im Actually happier than i ever was living with them#AND my siblings doin the same with our dad which like. hes just as bad but theyre makin moves#its just makin me roll my eyes bc i want to talk to them and share my achievements but its not worth hearing bout how#lazy and stupid i am yk. bc if i turn it on them then im lazy stupid AND cant take criticism#whatever ill wait til i start school n find a job so i can rub it in their face#i think im allowed that at least#mag.txt
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#hrrrrrrrgrrrrrhrhrhrhrgrrhr#vent post vent post vent post lalala#just accidentally saw a picture of myself when i was thinner i am normal im okay. im sexy im hot and i am allowed to not be either actually#lalalalalalalalalal cant hear any ed thoughts at all#i need to dye my hair i need to bleach my eyebrows i need to give myself horrible bangs that ill regret aaaaayyy cant fuckin do this anymor#im normal im normal im normal ripping the sink from the wall i am okay and i will go to therapy and i will be fine#i dont miss the ed i dont miss how i felt back then i dont i dont i dont (i doooooooooo UGH)#what am i doing with my life oh my god lol&lmao#quick quick get the hyperfixation we need to stop thinking about our real actual life mmmmm old men fucking yessss delightful#anyway i think im gonna relapse the moment i arrive in wr*cław lmao hugs and kisses
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I mean the least i can say for this problemy problem of body sensation is how it for real does everything to fight my. Forgetting anything concerning that happens if it can go away on its own. My..... respect.....
#some shit#problemful in interupting myself? annoying but u and everything else. concerning location of problem. prolong duration of problem.#this one is key. gotta get me time to think while im stuck express#experiencing it. repetition. sooooo important. ill forget otherwise! variation on a theme. this is spicy. it allows me to recgonizs it as#likely the same problem. but in a diff context. and most most most importantly. increased. fucking. happenance.#happening at night during sleepytimes? bad. im sadscared abt it. but i forget and am so so sleepy next day. at work?? im annoyed abt it!#im saying hey im at work and the this shit? At Home?? during social hours!!!! now thisos the most most key one#causing me to actually say there is a discomfort to another person!!! twice!! wow. good job.......#NOW CAN I NOT HAVE PROBLEM......
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i dont know if im any version of guest in particular or just like, a guest in general? guest disambiguation? a specific guest, maybe? or all of the above?? i do definitely associate myself with guest i always have but. aaugh. aauuoooguh
#burnt out matches - 🔥#this is so bad for me#i have a lot of issues of 'i cant be public/admit i kin this character because i cant/dont know Everything about source'#its what stopped me from admitting i was teto for a long time cause i felt like a faker who didnt actually know what i was talking about +#like i didnt have the right to be kin with teto#which is like. that doesnt make any sense im aware#but aaughh. it bothers me a lot#im not a 'classic' roblox player so i cant associate myself with anything 'classic'#im not alloweddd!!#./hj. in my head im not allowed#how do i even look into this do i even wanna try should i even bother#aaghh i squeeze my paws. my partner has shown a lot of interest in party noob recently#maybe if i get time ill talk to em#or not. who knows#fuckkk should i tag this as a vent???#i dont think so i dont think this is a vent
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im up too late doing New Fandom Hyperfixation shit (which i will not specify bc this is not my fandom blog) and i fully coherently thought the sentence "i feel crazy, i feel fucking crazy!" which is funny bc i really don't think in straight up words & sentences usually, like generally i have to be actively writing or talking out loud for my thoughts to go from Just Thoughts to Actual Words, but i thought those words actually in words, in order and all, and that's when i remembered that oh yeah im gettin into that spring mania again (hypomania if we're technical about it but 'spring hypomania' doesn't flow as well imo) and immediately i then had the follow up thought "well yeah i *am* fucking crazy" and uhhhhhhhhh not sure how im feeling about that but I Sure Am Feeling It,
#x: axel talks#holding a job for eight months and maintaining friendships for several years is allowing me to recognize patterns in my moods#that I would never have noticed with the cycle of school changing every year or friendships coming and going as a consequence#or the years i spent isolating and doing nothing at all so i didn't have anything i could compare myself to just to make a relative judgmen#but also just time passing makes a difference. to learn to recognize patterns over that much time#and it just occurred to me that i have friends that will have known me through multiple seasonal cycles which i now recognize happening#and i am not far away from closing a full loop at this job also#and it feels strange to think about that.#and my perception of my own mental space. has involved a recognition of its fundamental difference from most others' by necessity#and just having a moment that feels like lucidity. that i am hyperfixating on this thing due to neurodivergence (adhd)#and mental illness (bipolar)#and in the moment of feeling Fucking Crazy about it. it is in fact coming from a source that would generally be included#in a literal interpretation of 'fucking crazy' by some.#and in that moment i just. actually felt that. it felt like a true thing.#idk.#Anyway Another Smash Hit Brought To You By Post-Midnight-Axel#breaking a semi-unintentional mini-hiatus just to gift this to u 😘
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THOSE FOOLS
#ohhhhh they dont even knowwwww THEY DONT KNOWWW#i got my grade back :3c for the exam that i put my 'only get eyebrows pierced if this passes' on (more so on the whole semester but yk)#and its a 7/10 aka HUGEE pass#so i went downstairs to tell my mom since gramma and great aunt are also heree and i am. very proud of this AS I SHOULD BE.#but manannannnnn they dont know what this means.#they dont yet know how hugely i will allow myself to celebrate if i pass... aka mostly permanent body altercations <333#THESE FOOLS. celebrating ME. 'destroying my face' in their eyes (probably) HEHE#sillyposting#=w=bbb SLAYYAYYY this is so incredibly huge you haaaveeee to understanddd#fuckedd up that i now actually have to go and get them done but. UWAAA#big day. holy shit.#fuckckckk next thursday will be big day if i dont chicken tf out. and if the pierce shop i wanna go to is actually open.#^-^ YIIPPEEEE#happiness of having passed this course and getting piercings are getting mixed together rn so i will. think about this moreee. but i will.#fuck this is . uwaa#(watch out im about to undermine my own accomplishments again and think im not deserving of pride)#tbf i kinda knew this was going to happen bc the actual exam went so much better than the first tryy#+ the first try was at the very end of the examweek AKA. lil not-that-good-at-planning me was. expectedly prepared (not)#which. makes it reasonable why i think this second one was so much easier than the first but also i swearrrr this one was easier#emotions are so awesomee i like being all ^w^ TEEEHEEEEE#erm yeaghgh ill look into actual care for eyebrow piercings and shop time etcetc now =w=bbb yaasssss#im not going to let anyone know and just send a picture to my mom after theyre done =w=b#its scary otherwise + funnier like this + i wont have to deal with the 'but i dont want you to :(' of it all#really about to pull a page from my 17 y/o 'tell them about two facial piercings the week before' book =w=bb#but its okayer now bc im. like grown and stuff.#god. so huge.#were soo back in the uni life. yesterday i realized one class i thought would doom was actually so fine. AND NOW. waugghgh#o7#prepare for me to get worse ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧
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the way I am fully planning out an amv for a show I haven't even watched
#what arcane does to a mf#I GUESS#im not allowing myself to actually start editing it until i watch the show though#plus itll make actually making the video go a lot easier since ill actually have knowledge of all the scenes i can use for this#instead of scraping together an understanding of scenes and dynamics and plot from gifs and screenshots and posts and clips on tumblr#i might start watching tomorrow or something because my brain has decided that this amv is the only thing i can think abt until i do it#.....why am i like this. this is embarrassing
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