#anyway i hate this because see this is what my brain does now. i got so many insane compliments that now all i can think about is
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widevibratobitch · 6 months ago
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so what that i slept in for the exam. my voice teacher just called to talk about yesterdays concert and said some truly insane shit that made me cry again (but like. in a good way lol) so who even gives a shit lol
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mejomonster · 4 months ago
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I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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the-yearning-astronaut · 1 year ago
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you can do fun little meta exercises about your blorbos and their vibes by pulling inspiration from other random bits of media just for the hell of it with absolutely no intent to do anything with what you come up with it's just a game but Watch Out....
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kavehater · 8 months ago
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I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness
#There’s this specific part of the song#It srsly alters my brain chemistry#Anyways#i hate tumblr sm#Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm#No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much#Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely#Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D#The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏#Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it#The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc#To show her how messy it was ….#I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone …#Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th#Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious#And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei#It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking#To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I#Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia#And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games#All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car#Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke#Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon#Like me go mad with all these things#Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up.#dora daily#Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable#Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more#Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing.#Essay tags 😻😻😻
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vxnuslogy · 3 months ago
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— will they, won’t they.
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pairing: hoshina soshiro x gn!reader
premise: hoshina soshiro has been hopelessly in love with you for years now. and for the first time, you finally hear him say the words "i love you."
— warnings: down bad + jealous hoshina, modern setting, reader is a kyudo player.
— author's note: little miss says she's going on a break then proceeds to write about hoshina soshiro for all the dying fans (its me, i'm the dying fans.) art credits to @.BByo_chick on twitter.| ~700 words.
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“how long are ya gonna keep me here?”
“no one is forcing you to.”
hoshina only clicks his tongue and stares at the dojo walls. his finger impatiently tapping at his chin as he hits crossed leg on the floors. it’s half past 5 in the afternoon now and you have no intentions of going home anytime soon.
“i’m gettin’ bored here,” he drawls, hands stretching over his head as he watches you shoot another arrow with pin-point accuracy that makes his smirk twitch uncomfortably. you’ve gotten too good at kyudo, and it shows.
“then go home,” you reply as you pull the bow back and aim for your next shot. “you don’t have to keep waiting for me to finish.”
but that was the thing: hoshina wanted to wait for you and he always will.
he wants everyone to know that you had him and he’s all you’ll ever need. there was no need for that guy who caught your fall a few days ago—not when he’s been catching you for the past 3 years. he was your guide in the train station every morning, so why do you keep trying to go to the station earlier and ask your junior for directions? hoshina soshiro was always by your side, so why couldn’t you see that?
“i’ll wait,” he murmurs into his hand, eyes looking at anything but at you. “got nothin’ to do at home anyways.”
it was a weak excuse, but it always does the trick. you always relent and let him stay but not without throwing a look over your shoulder that screams “you’re acting strange.” because he was. hoshina, against his will, feels his lips being tugged into a frown whenever you interact with anyone that isn’t him.
that sounds very bad–it is bad in a sense–but hoshina would never dream of taking away your freedom. so he just watches, painfully by the sidelines, with a scoff on his face as another student from a rival school stammers to ask for your number. it was irritating, having to watch everyone throw themselves at you when you’re clearly uninterested. 
“what the hell will happen if i’m not by yer side, captain.” hoshina jests as you pack up your stuff and lock the dojo.
“is this about earlier?” you ask with an amused lilt to your voice. “when the new student asked for my number?”
hoshina hated how you always aimed for the heart.
“i have no idea what yer talkin’ about,” he weakly tries to change the topic. hoshina racks his brain to think of something—anything—to help change the conversation, but his mind keeps circling back to you. how you almost looked serious when some guy–who was leagues below you by the way–had the gall to ask you out for a date.
“never took you for the jealous type.” you tease.
“it’s because ‘m not.” he said through gritted teeth, hands balling into small fists against his school bag. “‘m lookin’ out for ya, alright? that guy was a creep. i’m keepin’ yer ass safe from weirdos.”
you looked unconvinced but didn’t comment on his unusual aggressiveness. hoshina let out a frustrated sigh, a hand coming to ruffle your hair and pull just a tiny bit closer that would make everyone question your relationship. this was driving him crazy but he couldn’t do anything about it.
“‘m not jealous. get that over yer pretty little head.”
and until you both got on the train and went your separate ways to go home, hoshina soshiro never once let your hand drop to your side. he kept you impossibly close to his side and whispered sweet good lucks into your ear. body so comfortably lax in your presence he was slouching on the train seat so he could bury his nose in your hair. 
hoshina soshiro was so unfathomably in love with you. 
how could he not love you when you use your own heartbeat to calm his erratic one during every competition? when every hug has his mind spinning with gold and you. every victory is dedicated to your name, and no trophy or medal could ever compare to the feeling of running into your arms and drowning in your praise.
“i love you.” he mutters as you sleep peacefully on his shoulder on your way home. how many years has he been saying it before he lost count? it’s truly just a matter of when you’ll wake up and finally realize it yourself.
he feels the blood rush to his brain as he throws himself on his bed, unable to wipe the image of you smiling as if you had heard him.
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© vxnuslogy 2024. do not plagiarize, repost, or translate any of my works without my knowledge or consent in other platforms or websites.
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sinning-23 · 3 months ago
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Backseat Pillow Princess
Hey y'all! I like to call this game, "Guess what I saw and cant stop fucking thinking about?" Take this because I need them both carnally and I'm sure you do too!
Enjoy :D
Warnings: violence, blood, swearing, the reader is annoying and Logan pretends to hate it in a way that seems like he actually does, they should have fucked but uhhh they didn't, lots of tension, pt.2 coming soon hopefully?
PT.2 UP NOW
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"Bae i love youuu, you my everythinggg~"
"Can she shut the fuck up"
"I'm your main bitchhhh, fuck a wedding ringggg~"
"Only if you ask her nicely,"
"Nah, I like when he's mean."
"You've gotta be fucking kidding me"
The nonstop back-and-forth bickering had been going on for about 2 and a half hours now and the man the myth the legend, Wolverine was getting dangerously tired of it, unfortunately. Your shitty renditions of Sexyy Red matched with Deadpools incessant yapping was becoming too much to bear.
But little did he know, that was exactly your plan.
"Are we there yetttt" You whine from the backseat, sprawled out with your arm over your face.
It had been what felt like days (despite it only being a couple hours as previously mentioned) you'd been driving and the fact that you were in a small space filled with touch-starved testosterone(Wade and Logan) wasn't helping your case.
"If you shut up it'll go faster," Logan grumbles, Wade's chatting only worsening.
"No, it won't, you're just being mean! What's a sexy, super talented, immortal.. sorta, girl like myself supposed to do?" You whine again, an idea soon popping into your head.
If there was anything you loved more than seeing how far you could push this crotchety son of a bitch, it was stirring the pot.
Knowing the idiot riding passenger, a slip-up was inevitable and all it would take was the right pressure applied from yours truly.
"Hey Wade, wanna ask Wolvie what he's gonna do when he gets back? To his own timeline that is." You hum, resting your elbows on the middle console and your chin in your palms.
Ah yes, the fantasy your sick little brain conjured up was almost to fruition. All they needed were a few nudges and you'd all be at each other's throats with as much violent, sexual tension you could dream of.
"Yeah, what will you do if the TVA can fix your timeline?"
Bingo
You lean back, preparing for the absolute bloodbath that's bound to take place as the tension skyrockets.
Now up until this point, you'd be trying your damndest to get into Wolverine's pants, call it 'something you needed to scratch off your bucket list'. Anyway, from the "Mad Max"(as Wade put it) esque part of the void all the way here, you made your fair share of passes.
Unfortunately, all were shot down with a snark comment, the unsheathing of those gorgeous adamantium claws, or a growl...all of which only further fueled your desire. What could you say you liked a challenge?
"What did you say?"
You lean forward, making eye contact with Wade, his head shaking as if to say "No don't don't don't" but you were never good with social cues.
"He said 'IF' sweetheart." You retort, practically kicking your feet as the look in Logan's eyes grows wild, that growl barely bubbling in his throat as he and Wade converse back and forth.
"You shut the fuck up." He seethes, though directed at you his eyes stay focused on Wade.
You fight the urge to say 'make me" but you soon become quiet when Logan really starts to read your buddy in red. Oh, this fucker was definitely projecting...
"And you," He's got an accusatory, gloved finger pointing at the center of your face.
"You got some unresolved daddy issues or something? I don't know what hole or holes you're trying to fill but I can sure as shit tell you the harder you try to get under my skin the more it makes me wanna rip yours off that pretty-looking face." He growls, your heart practically beating out of your chest.
"Now I suggest each of you shut your goddamn mouths until we are where we need to be."
It's silent for a second again and you can feel the bridge about to break...anyyy second now.
"I'm gonna fight you now."
Three...
Logan chuckles, amused at the fact that Wade would even suggest he could getaway with something like that
Two..
And mid-sentence, Wade's fists make contact with Logan's nose.
One.
You scoot back, the car shaking as Wades head makes contact with hr car door and then the radio, each smack of his skull changing the station.
“Omg nooo don’t kill each other you’re both so hot and sexy and cool, nooo.” You yelp, your false concerned pleas falling on deaf ears.
And once the blood from each blow splatters against your face, you feel a bit opted to join in. Besides, he hurt your feelings, he deserved a little ass-kicking.
Question, when three seemingly frustrated and regenerative assholes get into a car fight with tensions, sexual or otherwise, that have been building for about 2 days now, what happens?
You slip past the pair of claws that just barely nick your side as you shove the driver's seat forward, effectively trapping Logan for a moment.
"You did this on purpose! You honry fuck!" Wade shouts, using his elbow to crack your skull and shoved you right back into your spot behind them before you can respond. Logan pushed the seat back again, now trapping you as his claws stabbed through the cushion, impalling you through the back of the seat.
"FUCK! This isn't how this was supposed to pan out in my head!" You yelp, gasping when the claws leave you feeling the worst kind of empty.
"I didn't even do anything he's the one that lied!" You seethe, using the heel of your boot to kick Wade's side in, the crack of bones bringing you much satisfaction.
"IT WAS AN EDUCATED WISH!" He defends, unloading about 3 bullets into your sternum before kicking Logan out the winsheild, glass falling inside and out.
You take a gulp of air, digging the bullet out before locking your arm around Wade's neck and the passenger seat headrest.
"You red-clad cunt! I was supposed to rizz him up, fuck him, and ride off into the sunset with my rugged fucking mountain of a man and you RUINED IT!" You shout, releasing Wade when six separate knives dig right back into you.
Taking the chance, you throw the back of your head at his face before pulling his claws from out your sides and kicking Wade's chest in. Looks like legs were your strong suit today!
"You said you didn't wanna fill any holes, yet here we are!" You growl in frustration, turning back around to shove your boot heel into this man's rock-hard chest.
He only grabs your ankle, pulling you forward, once again skewered by his claws. Your position is less than ideal, any other angle would for sure look l like you were on the receiving end of some damn good strokes.
And there it is, that stupid bloodied grin he gives while he watches your eyes squeeze shut and your head tilt back. A light, yet pained swear left your bloodied lips and the gasp that leaves your lungs when his claws retracted was just as erotic as you'd imagine.
"Would've been better off fucking at this point huh?" You joke, seeing Wade creep up behind the backseat door.
"Maybe." He responds a bit coy, the tension only dying down for a fraction of a second before you're at each other's throats again.
With your help, Wade is right back in the car, and the three of you are now waiting for the next move. Logan's up against the dash, Wade is heaving against the backseat by your side, the two of you manspreading with a dangerously hungry look directed at the man in yellow.
"This is pointless. We're gonna be here for hours regenerating and fucking each other up, but damn if it isn't fun." you chuckle, letting your head lull back against the completely destroyed headrest.
"So what do you suggest, 'sweetheart'," Logan growls, using your little pet name from earlier.
"Oh I think you know very well what I suggest, but I'm starting to believe you just can get it up can you peepaw?" You insult, Logan's face contorting in a sneer.
There's another silence, your gaze locked with Logan's as you both teeter on the edge of regular frustration and the urge to rip each other's clothes off. This fuckers love language was definitely acts of playful violence...if playful meant an absolute bloodbath in this stupid-ass honda odyssey.
"I feel like there's some underlying tension here that I definitely wanna be a part of.
"You shut the fuck up" You speak simultaneously, Wade doing just that.
"So what'll it be, bub. Fuck me or fight me?" You mock, seeing that smile right back on his face.
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You would like to say that the remainder of the day, into the night, all the way into the wee hours of the morning were spent furiously love-making in the bloody and battered Honda, but that would only be half the truth.
The moonlight had shone so brightly down on the three of you, each movement calculated, as you continued to punch, stab, pick and damn near fuck each other in the enclosed space.
At one point your hands were pinned to the dented dashboard, Logan slotted between your legs, Wade right behind your oddly bent body....accept Wade's gun was at the small of your back and Logan had his hand wrapped tightly around your throat as your legs squeezed as tight as possible.
And at another, you'd been hovering above Logan, hands at his chest while Wade had a fistful of your hair, his grip lethal... a-although your hands were only at his chest cause you were double-fisting two knives that you had wedged to the hilt into each to his pectorals...and Wade was also pulling your hair to get a better angle at your chest since he deemed it was "only fair" considering you were going the same to the man beneath you.
It had only gotten worse, your comments ranging from rude to just plain nasty, and the farther along you went in the night....strangely enough, the better everything felt. The slight accidental/intentional grind of your hips against Logans, or the way you just so happened to fall back into Wade's chest, your bodies pressed so close together you could feel each breath you both took.
"Oh you just don't know when to quit, do you honey?" Logan grumbles, throwing you off him, your positions quickly switch.
"Not in my vocabulary sweetheart." You shoot back, gasping when Wade grips your hair again.
"Yeah, thought you were seeing the pattern ready peanut, she's hard to break." He chuckles, a filthy smile making its way over your bloodied face.
You were practically sandwiched, Wade behind you, his chest to your back, and your legs just barely make room for Logan who was kneeling one leg on the backseat, the other slightly off the edge.
"This is a little unfair don't you think? Feels like I'm about to get tag-teamed." You joke, the moonlight illuminating the current position just enough.
"You'd like that, wouldn't you? You're sick." Logan scoffs, only feeding into your slight delusions.
"Yeah, I might be sick but you're a hypocrite, You want it too, don't you? I know for sure Wade does, 'cause that's definitely not his gun on my ass." You shoot back, body and brain stirring from the hours of activities.
He doesn't say anything, just tightens he grip he has on your hips.
“Cmonnn, we had our nice,” you glance over at the destroyed radio, your hopes of trying to get the time seemingly crushed.
“We’ll say 9 hours give or take, we’ve already been fighting and none of us are really satisfied.”
You can feel Wade adjust, his hands now secure at your shoulders, massaging the small of your neck with his thumbs.
“We all know what’s gonna solve that and we can put this whole debacle behind us.” You coax, your hips rolling a bit to meet his and he turn his head, jaw working as if he was seriously considering the offer.
And with a finally huff what really sounded more like a growl of last restrained, he’s on you.
——————————————————————-
YES IM MAKING A PART TWO YES THERE WILL BE SMUT BECAUSE WTF YALL. UHHH HOPE YOU ENJOY LMK IF YOU WANNA BE TAGGED I. THE NEXT PART!
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ddiidi · 3 months ago
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bf!Bangchan x gn!reader (felix mentioned)
Masterlist
When he calls you clingy, so you distance yourself
Previous Pt. 3
Pt. 4
Next Pt. 5 (last part)
!Warnings: angst, reader is confused about their feelings, Chan gets pushed away (no actual harm done!), fake!texts, swearing (lmk if i missed anything)
Side-Note: *does a happy twerk dance bc I actually came up w something even tho my brain is fried rn* No but rlly, I didn't even want to do a 5th part but I had to find a way on making it work between them and this part turned out to be too long☝🏽😞💔💔💔💔💔💔 now I'm heartbroken... ANYWAY ENJOY
It's been 2 days. 2 days and you already miss him. It's not that he doesn't deserve it, but you really just want to hug him right now.
You've spent the last 2 days, crying in your bed and not a single text message from chan. The other members did message you, but you only want one from him...you know you told him not to message you, but it's his fault in the first place.
You stood up and got out of bed. Maybe unboxing my stuff will get me on other ideas, you thought to yourself and made your way to the living room, taking your time unboxing and placing your items on the furniture you bought weeks before.
Everything went well and your mood brightened up till you got to one specific box. The box, filled with Polaroid pics from your date, loveletters and poetries written by chan for you and more. You just stare at them for a while, but then decide to close the box and take a nice warm bath, maybe then you'll relax for a bit and not think of him.
You went to your bathroom, and turned the bathtub water on, taking off your clothes next. You take some bathing salt and a bath bomb out of your cabinet, throw them in the half filled bathtub and step inside. You've nearly melted at the feeling of the hot, but not too hot water on you skin. Since you're together with chan, you've barely looked after yourself, you nearly forgot how good it felt to just spend you time and have no one else around and suddenly, it wasn't that bad that chan isn't around anymore. You actually felt, relived, so you just close your eyes and relax....
xxxxxx
You must have fallen asleep, because when you open your eyes, the water was cold. You've rubbed your eyes, washed yourself, wrapped your body in a bathrobe and left the bathroom. You yawn out and went straight to your room, when you hear your phone vibrate. Someone is blowing up your phone and in the back of your head, you wished that it's the person, it actually is. Chan.
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You throw your phone on your bed and walk over to your wardrobe and bang your head against it. What. The. Actual. Fuck Y/l/n Y/n. Why would you possibly ask HIM, to come into your apartment after you told him you wanted space???
You grab some clothes out of your wardrobe, flinching as you turn around, as someone widely bangs open the door to your bedroom.
"Y/n?! Y/N!" chan screams, excited and runs over to you like an excited puppy, just to stop in his tracks as he remembers that you warned him not to touch you, so he stands still in front of you, with a giant smile on his face.
"Get out of my room. Can't you see i'm changing right now?" you coldly reply to him, fighting your inner demons to not jump right in his arms and hug him. His smile drops and he just blinks at you confused, which nearly breaks your heart. How is it possible that he was so mean to you, but is also so freaking cute which makes it so hard to hate him? "I-I don't understand.. why do I have to go out, it never was a problem to you-" "Do you want me to kick you out of the apartment instead?" you ask, as you walk over to your bed.
"NO, no i'll leave.." Chan lowly responds, walking out of the room. You weren't going to risk him calling you clingy again, for changing while he's in the same room, not happening.
xxxxx
After you've changed into something comfortable, you've asked him to come back inside and sit next to you on your bed, with a good amount of space, which Chan stared at with a questioning look, but didn't comment it any further.
"So? Why are you here?" you started asking, "I mean, why did you come to my apartment. If you came to just apologize, you can go again, because what you said needs more than an apology. Just because you'll feel better after apologising doesn't mean-" "-Doesn't mean that it's actually okay, I know baby.." Chan interrupts you, as he stared down at your arms "Can I...hug you?" "Excuse me?" you ask confused. Since when does he ask if he can hug you..? "I mean, sure I guess" you just say and with that Chan grabs you by you waist with one hand, putting his other hand, securingly on your neck, hugging you. You were about to hug him back, but stop midway.
Why did you just stop? Isn't that what you wanted? He's here now so why don't you hug him? Could it be that you're...scared? Scared that he might think you're actually clingy and annoying? Scared of that he'll push you away if you make a move? Or are you...
"You smell so good...i missed you so much..." chan's words pull you out of your thoughts, as you push him off. He looks at you, confused. Why did you suddenly push him off? "Wh-" "You should go." "Wha- But why.." "Please Chris just go." "Can I at least get a kiss-" "GEEZ CHRIS JUST GO!" you yell. You didn't intentionally yell at him, but you needed some time for yourself to collect your thoughts, and he's only in the way.
"Please...just go" you mumble out, and Chan stares at you for a while, before standing up from the bed. "I'll text you when I'm home" he casually says, with a hint of sadness in his voice. He mumbles out a quick and quiet >>I'm sorry, for everything<< out, and makes his way out of the apartment.
What was wrong with you? You've missed him so much so why would you not hug him back? Why would you ask him to go? And why...why didn't you kiss him?... You've loved to do it before....so why not now?..
What....was wrong with you?
Are you really...
As clingy as he said?
⁺˚*・༓☾✧༺🖤༻✧✧༺🖤༻✧✧༺🖤༻✧☽༓・*˚⁺
@stay-tiny-things @finnbbl @emilyywhyy @wolfs-howling @justastraymoa @loveyouamory @muraae @callmekdab @seungquokka @vive-la-v-i-d-a @sunghoonnolgy
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writingwithcolor · 11 months ago
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Author with cultural disconnect: How do I write without making it seem as if I hate my own heritage?
Anonymous asked:
I’m a white-passing Asian author, and I’ve never felt all that connected with my heritage. My current story centers on a fairy (re: fantasy-world POC) child and ends with her realizing that her parents are toxic af and her human best friend’s family takes her in. This is the perfect opportunity to sort through my own issues with my heritage and finally convince my monkey-brain that it’s okay to not know how to cook Vietnamese food or celebrate tet or speak Vietnamese… But I also realize that if I’m not careful, this could easily slip into “Hey, I hate my heritage and so should you!” So how can I stop that from happening?
Writing for yourself first, not an audience
I ask you a simple question: why put pressure on yourself to have any sort of non-offensive messaging for a story that hasn’t been drafted yet and is to convince your monkey brain it’s okay to exist as yourself?
That seems like the fastest way to stop the story from being actually cathartic and instead a performance art piece when you already feel hung up on performing as “properly” part of your culture.
As I said in Working Through Identity Issues and Other Pitfalls of Representation, not all stories you write need to be for public consumption. Especially stories you’re using for your own self-processing and therapy, because you’re trying to get a cathartic moment that is rewriting your own story.
At what point does the public need to be involved in that?
I do understand the compulsion to want to post—I have definitely posted some Questionable™ material in my drive to get validation for feeling the way I do, wanting people to witness me and say “same.” It’s a powerful urge. Sometimes it’s worked, but most of the time it’s just made me feel horrifically exposed.
But you really do not have to post in public to get any sort of validation. Set up a groupchat with friends if you want the cheerleading and witnessing—people who will know your story and give you good-faith interpretations and won’t accuse you of anything. Honestly I’d suggest setting up this groupchat anyway; as someone who just got one again after quite a few years without it, my productivity has skyrocketed from being around supportive people.
Let the monkey brain have its monkey brain moment and shut off the concept the story is for the public. Shut off the concept of performing for an unknown audience. It’s for you. Be authentic, no matter how bad it would look to outsiders. They’re not reading it. Part of getting catharsis, sometimes, is being the worst version of yourself, somewhere nobody else can see it.
Deciding to publish the work
If, after you do write it, you find that you actually do want to polish it up and put it somewhere… edit it. Rewrite it entirely if that’s what it takes. Take the story through the same drafting process every story needs to go through, ripping out the unfortunate implications as you go.
Editing can be its own form of healing, as you try to figure out what this character would need to not be hateful. As you realize, once this longform journal entry is out of your head, what was bothering you now that you can see it pinned down on a page. But you absolutely do not need to write with the intention of editing in that healing. When I’ve tried, it’s fallen flat.
The healing will come from being yourself, no public involved, and writing about your feelings in their rawest form. Anything else is extra.
There’s no point in trying to put guard rails on the drafting process, not for a deeply personal piece. And by the time that drafting process is done, you’ll likely have specific scenarios and contexts that you can ask about, and you might even have ideas on how to fix it yourself once the story has a shape to it.
This is 100% a situation where there’s no real sense in idea workshopping something in the plotting stage. You’re doing something for you. Decide if it’s for public consumption later (while acknowledging “no” is a perfectly valid answer), and only figure out how to make the story not overtly harmful if you decide to put it out into the public.
~ Leigh
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amimuu · 5 months ago
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What if Narinder was a scum villain or smt…. (AU THING!?!)
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You can you up, no can no bb. If you are so insistent on the story being terrible, okay, go on and change it! Let’s see how this story’s biggest hater does in the shoes of the main villain.
SVSSS x COTL?!?!!? More likely than you think!!!! (Doodles under the cut!!
‼️Slight blood warning‼️ )
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Hey….
*crowd actually cheers for once*
That’s weird. Who are you people.
*crowd stares at me confused*
Uh…Bing bong so my brain once more decided to torture me with visions (mixing one of my fave books with one of my favorite games—) so now this exists—
These weeks have been a LOT. I went into a stress induced creative block and right after went to French summer camp?! Writing this as I’m supposed to be asleep LMAO (dw I’ll be okay) but ANYWAYS!! What is this?!
Crossover duh—but to those who don’t know the plot—okay. Just imagine ???? is this guy who reads a webcomic. (Which is cult of the lamb! Let’s forget the game exists. It’s a webcomic in this universe ) So he hates it because it’s bad. Like. Bad. The protagonist is too powerful, there are a bajillion plot holes, too many love interests—and god, what is that world-building?! He detests it, so as soon as it’s done he leaves one last hate comment—
As he chokes on his food.
That doesn’t end well.
Anyways, waking up, ???? realizes he has transmigrated into said story…as Narinder, the main villain, hated by all, and with the worst ending of all the antagonistic characters. The why of this? Well, the story is so bad, surely even someone like him could take matters into—quite literally—his own hands. Plus, he’s got a game-like system that rewards him or punishes him depending on how well he does in “fixing” the plot…while also not being able to break character, at least for the first story arc. Oh dear.
And so Narinder’s adventure starts. Survive, improve the outcome for everyone and—seduce the protagonist…? Wait—no—that wasn’t part of the plan-!!
Anyways. I’ll talk more about this silly thing later…when I’m not falling asleep at least dkfnkdjfjejfj. Hopefully you enjoyed the ramble and the doodles. Until next time
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revelboo · 1 month ago
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I've been reduced to checking your page everytime I open tumblr just to see if there's a new Starscream post (you're feeding my obsession, please continue) (ily and your writing)
Aww! Thank you!
I’m dropping the taglist, since it’s apparently not behaving properly anyway and I greatly overestimated my motivation and ability to remember to monitor and keep it updated anyway. I’m not savvy enough for such things. My unorganized, goblin brain just wants to write.
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Everything is Alright Pt 33
Starscream x Reader- home
• Wings trembling as he slowly shifts, he comes out of recharge by degrees, his head rolling forward and he groans as he bumps his helm on something hard. A building? It takes a few confused moments to remember where he is. Why he’s sprawled in the grass. And to feel the spot of warmth in the palm of his hand shift. Optics flicking down he just stares at the tightly curled nest of pillows, blankets, and soft human laying in his upturned palm and tries to figure out how you’d managed that without him noticing.
• What he does notice? The way you’re curled as tightly in a ball as you can get and the fact that you’re shivering from cold. You’d discovered him and still chosen spent the night outside with him even though it’s far too cold for you? Because you’d wanted to be near him. As he curls his servos, you stretch out an arm from your cocoon and grab at him. Like you’re afraid he’s going to leave again and you think you can hold onto him. Venting softly, he curls his servos more firmly about you.
• Shivering in the chill morning air, you lift your head to see him watching you. It’s his expression that pulls at you, he almost looks perplexed like he can’t figure you out. The feeling’s mutual. Why ditch you only to follow and spy on you unless it was some sort of test? Unless he’d been trying to do the right thing and hadn’t really wanted to follow through. “You left me,” you say, hating how sullen those words sound. Like he owes you something.
• “I did.” He lifts you closer to his chassis, cupping you against him until that shivering lessens and you lean into him and his heat. How to explain that it had been to keep you safe, but he was too selfish to just let you go? His little caged bird almost sounds hurt at being freed. Like you think you’d been abandoned. Unwanted. Running a servo over your hair as you lean into him, he tries to think of an excuse, a lie, but can’t. No, doesn’t want to lie to you. “I wanted to protect you.”
• He feels you press your cheek against him and wonders if you can hear the thrum of his spark like he feels your little heartbeat. Does that rhythm soothe you the same way? A now familiar sound you need and search out because it means everything is okay? “Maybe I don’t want to be protected,” you mumble, voice sleepy as you touch his canopy and idly trace spirals on him to make his wings shudder, because surely you don’t understand he can feel that. When he looks down, your eyes are closed. Almost asleep against him, lulled by his heat. “Maybe I just want to go home, Star.”
• Home. The words feel right even as you say them. He stiffens against you, the servos cupping you to him pressing you tighter until you slap a hand on his canopy cause you can’t breathe. He’s staring down at you as you frown right back, too sleepy to figure out what that look is for. It’s cold and he’s warm. Safe. “Home,” he murmurs, shifting you in his grip so he can transform around you and the terror of that smacks you fully awake as you find yourself in his canopy. Willingly going back where you’re not an equal, but you’re needed as hilarious as it is, because this giant, alien robot does need you.
• “That human whose vehicle you got into. A friend?” He asks, watching you flinch and look around trying to figure out where to focus on. Seeing as you chew on your bottom lip in a tell he knows and rumbling around you as his turbines scream. Because you’d gotten into a vehicle with a stranger. Primus help him, you’re far too trusting. You need him to look after you. Warmth spreads through him to mix with the irritation that you’d do something that foolish. You need him to protect you, and he’s willing to fight for it. Even Megatron if need be to keep what’s his.
Previous Next
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Early birthday present. I can’t assemble it until Saturday anyway, so that works out.
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gay-dorito-dust · 1 year ago
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hobie brown (spider-punk!!) is giving me severe brain rot, i love him sm 😭
if you ever decide to write for him, could you do some relationship hcs??
ty ^^
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Not sure wether this is what you wanted but I hope it was worth it.
Music from the heart:
One of the most obvious ones is that Hobie would have a plethora of songs about you, it’s fucking adorable and so sweet, and so he would play them for you within the comfort of your room because where else would you rather be serenaded?
If anything it makes the moment more special and memorable for the both of you as something you can look back on with fondness.
Though you probably try teasing him one day by asking how many more songs of you he had in the works and Hobie would either say ‘too many to count.’ Or ‘a whole albums worth.’ He’s not going to hide the fact that he’s got notebook after notebook filled with song lyrics dedicated to you.
Pda though not quite:
Hobie isn’t the type to heavily involve himself in PDA but isn’t against the likes of:
holding hands.
his hand being placed on the small of your back when guiding you somewhere else.
the classic arm over the shoulder.
Thigh holding
His/ your head resting on each others shoulders and or laps.
Guitar pick:
This one came to my head out of the blue but I’m gonna add it here even though I’m not too certain but here it is anyway:
if Hobie uses guitar picks to play his guitar -which he probs doesn’t but idk- I’d like to think he’d make you a guitar pick necklace from one of his old picks.
Sure he hates gifts and such but this is the sole expectation alongside any and all handcrafted jewellery you may give him because he wears that shit with pride.
Terms of endearment:
Love
Darling
Sweetheart
Impromptu sleepovers:
Hobie crashes at your place more often then not to the point he might as well be living with you in regards of how often he leaves something of his at yours, so much so you’ve begun to wonder if he was doing it intentionally or accidentally.
Either way you made sure that his stay was comfortable by having a makeshift bed set up for him so he didn’t have to constantly sleep on the uncomfortable couch and wake up with a crooked neck.
Hobie appreciates all that you do for him but would often tell you it’s not necessary but you weren’t about to get into a discussion about whether or not he was deserving of help because the answer was obvious and that answer would always and forever will be; yes.
Also he’s a bit of a cuddle bug but only with you but that’s your little secrete.
Date nights:
Most, if not all of your dates are either just the pair of you being your natural selves in the comfort of your own home where’d you would talk about anything and everything that came to your mind, free of judgment.
or
showing Hobie your undying love and support by showing up to his gigs and scream the loudest because he is talented as shit and deserves a lot more in your eyes.
Either way as long as you were within each others company, anywhere you both went could be considered a date.
Spidey business:
Now this is all dependant on wether or not you know he’s Spider-Man:
If you did then you’d probably would help him patch up his wounds after every fight he had
Or
If you weren’t due to Hobie wanting nothing more then to keep you and that life as far from each other as possible, you’d most definitely would be concerned when you see him with any sustained injuries he tried patching up himself.
No matter how hard you try to get him to tell you what’s wrong, Hobie would just tell you it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle.
Meeting his friends/ Bragging rights:
Before introducing you to the likes of Pavitr, Miles and Gwen(if you haven’t already met her), it’s almost an 100% guarantee that he brags about you anyway he knows how which only intrigues them more and more to the point they’re just pleading with Hobie to introduce his cool, kickass partner to them.
So when he does, the three are practically hounding you about your relationship with Hobie and when you looked back at him for help in wrangling in his over excited friends, the little shit merely smirks and shrugs his shoulders as though he had no idea they’d react like this, all the while leaning on the wall with his arms crossed over his chest; happy to see all his favourite people he cares about a lot interacting with one another to the point that by the end of the day you’re very good friends with each of them.
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katz-rambles · 5 months ago
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Hello again, lovely writer! It's a new day, and I have a new idea for you. Especially since you did such a beautiful job bringing my previous ideas to life. Thank you for that <3
How about the ghoul of your choice being locked away in their room during their heats/ruts because they become a bit feral during that time, and what if reader accidently got locked with them ? How would that go down ?
(Again feel free to ignore this if you wish <3)
Hii! I'm so so glad you liked the others, that means so much to me!! I wanted to try something new with this one, so I've put them into headcannon form, so I can do multiple ghouls, so I apologize if it's not the best. This includes all the current ghouls/ghoulettes because why not.
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(NSFW, ruts/heats, gn!reader for the most part but there is some fem!reader, reader gets tied up, some dub-con elements if you squint, theres a fuck-machine, threesome/gangbang mention, possessiveness, knotting, some dom!reader. I think this is it!)
˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰
• Now we all know that he's already aggressive and ungodly horny,
Dewdrop/Sodo
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• Now times that by 10. He goes insane during ruts.
• Humping everything, constantly hard, he's more grumpy and stompy than usual as well. All because he's horny and has blue balls lmfao.
• So.. now we've added his favorite person, you.
• He's on his knees. Begging for you to let him fuck you, breed you, touch you. Basically, anything his horny brain can come up with. (heavy on breeding, even if you can't get pregnant, he'll still try.)
• He has a constant possessiveness to him during his ruts, so once you're in there, you're not getting out until it's over. Don't expect to walk after.
• He has no glamor or mask on at all during his rut so if you really want to rile him up so he'll rail you, pull on his horns while he gives you head or tug on his tail. He'll go absolutely bat shit insane.
• He'll cover you in hickeys and bite marks so everyone knows you're his. Like I said, possessive.
• He'll knot you, and he won't stop knotting you until he thinks it's the one that'll get you round with his kits.
• I'm sure that if you ask nicely, he might sub for you during his rut. He hates to admit it, but he probably gets off on the thought of being a sub. Tie him up, sexually torture him, and humiliate him. He loves it.
˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊
• Where do I start.. he's going to he so whiney his whole rut. He might even spam call/text you because he needs you.
Rain
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• Obviously, you're not going to give in, you know the rules.
• But if you did, by accident or on purpose, he's going to go insane.
• He'll do anything you ask of him. He gets off on your pleasure. But if you tease him, he may lose his patience.
• If he does lose his patience, he'll fuck you into the mattress, he might even tie you up if you're into that, he'll mark you like crazy... he's a horny bitch (just like me frfr.)
• So let's say you've found yourself with a Rain in a rut. Good luck. He'll rail you like there's no tomorrow, because to him, there's not, he thinks you will leave at any second so he won't stop until you physically can't anymore.
• His stamina is INSANE when he's in a rut.
• He could probably smell you from a mile away, so if you do accidentally find yourself locked in the same room as him, don't try and lie to him, or do.. who knows, maybe he'll punish you.
• If you don't have a dick, grab a strap on, he'll be the subbiest little bitch for you. (he's probably into fem doms). And he probably has a dildo/strap that he uses on himself anyways. He could probably cum just from the thought of you on top of him, and he will.
• Huge on your tits by the way. You're a guy, it doesn't matter, you're flat, he doesn't care, you have bigger tits, he's begging for you to ride him so he can watch them. He loves your tits.
• MARK HIM BACK. Please. He loves to feel you sink your teeth into him. He loves to see the marks the day after even more thought, a reminder of how he's going to pay you back with twice as many marks.
• Aftercare king, though. Even during a rut. I mean, you have to be in good shape if you're going to be the one to have his kits.. right?
˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊
• Big boy, and not with just his height.
Mountain
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• But if you happen to stumble upon a Mountain in a rut, it's not that someone's locked the door from the outside or something.. no, he's locked the door. You're not leaving until he's done with you.
• All this man is thinking about right now is how fucking hard he is, and how good you'd feel around him. So he's not going to be nice.
• He might degrade you.. but that's okay, because he'll apologize by fucking you until you're dumb.
• You better hope you're not wearing any expensive clothes, the second he gets his hands on your they're torn up and on the ground. He'll replace them when his rut is done, though, don't worry.
• Pull his hair. That's it. You want to get railed into oblivion, pull his hair. It's a one way ticket.
• He probably won't sub, but on the off chance he does, he will put up a fight. Now, if you've found yourself locked with Mountain in a rut and you want to keep your ability to walk, you can get him to sub for you, and he gets super sensitive when he does so, please, edge him.
• He'll knot you, and there's just so much. He'll whisper to you about how this'll be the knot that'll get you round with his kits.
• If you call him Sir, it could be out of fear/intimidation, or you're just teasing him, you're done for. There's no way you'll be able to walk after, so I wish you luck.
˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊
• Already horny ghoul, somehow, even hornier (is that even possible??) you're in for a wild ride (literally and figuratively).
Swiss
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• You're in a room with him. Before you can even say anything, he'll have you pinned to the ground, and your clothes will be off.
• Mating press, missionary, cowgirl. Anything where he can see your face as he fucks you dumb you'll be put in, doesn't matter if your flexible or not, he'll find a way.
• You want to rile him up even more (again, is that even fucking possible?!) beg for him, get on your knees and beg. He will go insane, and you won't be able to walk, but it's not like he was planning to let you go. No, no, you're his now.
• If and when he knots you, it's inevitable he will, he will probably fall asleep with his cock half-hard inside you and if you fall asleep as well ans shuffle a bit with him inside you, sweetheart now he's wide awake and ready for round two.
˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊
• Omfg. He's so needy. He might as well be worshiping the ground you stand on, he loves you and he needs you.
Phantom
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• He needs you to sit on his face, btw, now that he's in a rut it's just doubled.
• So you've found yourself in quite the predicament. You've found your way to a rut Phantom, so what's the next step (back to where you came from, turn around, and leave), honestly, just you acknowledging him during his rut could probably make him cum, he's that needy.
• He'll bend you over any and every surface known to man. Don't expect to be safe anywhere.
• If you're kind enough to help him through his rut, then he'll, probably get on one knee and propose, do anything you need him to as long as he gets to fuck you when you're done.
• Rub his horns, and he'll bust. Trust me.
• He's dominant during his rut, so don't expect normal subby, needy, Phantom. No, not you've got, dom, needy, and unbearably horny, Phantom whose prepared to stuff you full of his seed in every hole you'll let him.
• He's going to knot you. This isn't even a question. He will. It doesn't matter if you can't get pregnant because you don't have the proper biology, he will try his absolute hardest, and you won't complain because this means Phantom constantly breeding him, he has a breeding kink.
˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊
• I'm in love with her.
Cumulus
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• She's quite dominant. She has a strap on, probably one of the double-ended ones, too.
• If you offer to use it on her, she might just go crazy. I hope your stamina is good because she won't be letting you go for a while.
• If you have female anatomy, scissor her. I beg of you, she'll beg you too. He might reward you by eating you out after..
• Her tits are ungodly sensitive during her ruts, so any type of touch on them, and she'll immediately be on top of you.
• Please let her tie you up. You'll look so pretty tied up and begging for her.
• She's going to mark you, so don't be alarmed when you see the dark marks the next day. And she will mark you anywhere she can, your neck, thighs, tits, anywhere.
• If you're good she might get Cirrius to fuck you along side her, and don't worry, Cirrius is just as good, and she's mean so you better be ready. (I'm head over heels for both of them, I love women.)
• She will overstimulate you until it hurts. She's just so mean sometimes.
• She will make you squirt. That's her goal. Even in a rut, she's still determined to see you squirt.
˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊
• She's mean. That's it.
Cirrius
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• She'll tie you up and attach a vibrator to you and she will fuck herself as she watches you writhe.
• She might even put a gag on you if you start to get too loud.
• Once she gets her hands on you, she won't let you go until she's had her fill.
• If you call her mommy, get ready for a night full of fun because, baby, you've just fucked yourself. She won't let up. Her stamina is insane, and it combats Rains.
• So, if you ever find yourself locked in a room with Cirrius in a rut, don't expect to leave any time soon. Even after her ruts over, she might keep you there.
• If you're being good for her, maybe just maybe if she's in the mood for sharing, she'll get Cumulus or Swiss in there. (maybe even both)
˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊
• I unfortunately don't know too much about her, so I apologize if she's ooc.
Aurora
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• She's got a pretty firey personality as it is, so now she's got that personality AND an unbearable feeling of being constantly horny, and you'll be the only one on her mind.
• Okay.. now you're with her, she might sub..? If you ask nicely, that is.
• But she will also fuck you dumb with a double-ended dildo. So be ready for a wild night. She has a bunch of things you've only heard of, and she plans to use them.
• It's not a question that she'll tie you up. We already know she will. But if you're into it, she might put you on a fuck-machine while she rides your face until she's satisfied.
• You can probably turn the tables and switch positions, and if you do, expect her to be loud. It's okay though, she sounds so pretty.
• She will scissor you. She probably can for hours. So by the end of her rut, you'll be sore and marked, and everything will hurt. But it will be worth it.
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epiicaricacy-arts · 11 months ago
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oh we’re still so young, desperate for attention
this was super experimental so i will talk about my process (+ clearer version) under the cut
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i’ve been looking at a lot of “messier” or more textured painting styles recently and an artist that stuck out to me is clariondeluna ! they posted a self-portrait recently that i really liked and i was super interested in the brushwork seen in their work. i love all the textures and how the shapes feel so loose yet everything is so detailed.
that’s not a method for me at all!!!! i cannot paint like that at all and the stuff i like to paint is very different to theirs. which is okay!!!! i had no intention to copy this artists style so closely like with what i tried to do in my raiden painting, i just wanted to try this style out :^)
it’s been a goal of mine to avoid over-rendering like i tend to do a lot, and i think i’ve been doing good with that recently! the mindset i’ve got going on right now is that if i find myself staring at it too hard for too long, i have to leave it and move on. if there’s still something wrong with it, i can fix it later once ive got a fresh view!
i’ve been trying a lot of things with my art this year. i always try to challenge myself with each piece, and to end the year off i wanted to be as uncomfortable as i possibly could be with this painting. i let myself draw whatever i wanted because i still wanted to enjoy it, but everything i did in this process was new, including parts of the subject matter.
i’ve never drawn a head at an angle like this, and i struggle with drawing mouths open. i don’t do bold lighting like this, and if i do, it’s not fire. i’ve never drawn fire! i also rarely work with warm colours and i hate using green, so i combined those to be my colour palette. i like working cleanly so instead of having a dozen different layers for one section, each section only had 1-2 layers for rendering. instead of clipping masks i would simply paint over things loosely and clean it up later. i never like having limbs cut off in a drawing so i had his other arm go GOD knows where. i don’t like weird patterned backgrounds so i made myself figure out how to like it!
IS THIS MY FAVOURITE PIECE OF ALL TIME. no. absolutely not. but i’m very proud of how this came out with all the challenges i put on myself. i WANTED to get better at these things and be more broad with my art, both in terms of the styles and subjects i portray.
okay let’s talk about wtf this drawing is
for those who don’t know, the design in this painting is my fatui/“Father” lyney fan design (read the design post here). the concept isnt super complicated and i don’t really have much explanation for it, but i wanted to combine the story of how lyney wanted a delusion before getting his vision, fire eating circus acts and how olympic medalists will bite their medal to prove it’s real??? don’t quote me on that i’m like 75% sure that’s a thing that happens. i don’t watch sports though so im just believing someone i heard on the internet ages ago.
anyways. i think fire eating acts are cool. and i think the fact that lyney wanted a delusion is very interesting to me. scratches my brain in the right places. and yk as a magician lyneys character revolves a lot around fooling people and creating illusions so i guess what im saying here is that lyney is trying to prove to himself that this power he’s been bestowed is real. bc his whole life his only constant has been lynette so he is trying to see if he can trust this new power. cause i guess this is an alternate universe where lyney does eventually become “Father” but he never got his vision ??? idk im not making lore for this i just wanted to dress up this funny little guy.
ok i’m done
thanks for reading
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here’s my dog
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Astarion underestimated you.
Seduction edition. First Round.
Warning for game spoilers and adult themes.
Tea time! Got the hibiscus tea out this time to match some of the tart in this post. No blame, no shame, it's your game.
As a hypervigilant person, facial expressions speak louder than words to me. This unpacking is based off of his face as the time things were said, vs what he said or dev notes. This is a cannon post. Not fact.
In my playthrough I triggered the sex scene before the Tiefling party. Which had me in hysterics because his dead ass propositioned me in front of everybody in the party that day. Like he was asking me to share a sandwich later and not offering to put me on my knees and make me beller like a mule.
Astarion Audacity Ancunin! Really?!
Anyway....
I am fairly certain when he promises you a night you wont forget. He wasn't thinking that he too would not forget that night. Lets look at how you disrupted his rizz.
The initial seduction goes as normal for him. He is charming, suggestive and even encouraging when you are unsure. Ensuring you come willingly to his web.
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After you agree, you get your your first glimpse of what I believe is him disassociating. He does not smile or continue the seductive look when he says "I can't wait." His yes are just gone. He hates this game.
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After you meet up with him in the woods he is pretty confident that you are going to do exactly what he expects of you and his plan will go off without a hitch. However...
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You play hard to get.
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Nothing says "What game are we playing here?" quite like this face when you tell him he does not have you yet. He is trying to figure out your intentions here. He was pretty certain you were coming out in the woods to ride him to the fey wild and back and most likely did not expect you to be cheeky. This might be the first moment he realizes this might not be a typical encounter.
"I need to get this back on track!"
Enter the redirect. The split second where he slips out of the sexy facade due to your flirty comment and then back into it.
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He thinks everything is back on schedule and he is in control again.
But then, you ask him what he wants.
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Oh, hello real Astarion. (brain exec has failed here)
You can bet, given the consistency of his past, he was ready for you to just speed past the formalities and get your hands on him for you own needs like every conquest before you. He does not expect anyone to care enough to ask him about his own desires in these moments. (He affirms this down the friendship route where he says he himself never got any pleasure out of the act.) So when you do, the mask of the seductive rake slips off even longer as he suddenly has no idea how to respond to someone who has gone completely off script. To me, the look on his face reads "Oh shit. What did they just ask me?! Why did they ask me that?! What in the hells do I say?! " But he redirects again trying to bring the encounter back into familiar territory by dialing up the sexuality again by using "taste" as an inuendo.
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But then doubt sets in. "That's what you want, isn't it?"
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He is on the back foot now. The facade is crumbling. You are not where he can see you in his normal view of how this rendezvous should go. You're not responding like he is used to. You haven't tried to grope him yet. You haven't gotten into his personal space. He's given you the "go" why are you not moving?
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"To lose yourself in me."
I know a lot of people read this moment as he is sad you are agreeing to sleep with him. But it doesn't quite fit. Why try to be so convincingly seductive through the whole thing just to drop it all right at the "win" ? The smart thing to do would be to keep the mask of lust on. But he doesn't. It falls completely off here.
Maybe its because you are not responding with reckless lust in return and he feels like his plan has already failed.
Maybe it because you are being too nice to him and he is feeling ashamed for manipulating you.
Maybe he fears this might be another Sebastian situation where he is using someone he doesn't feel he should.
Maybe he has a moment where he forgets that he is free and thinks Cazador will take you away when its over.
Maybe he is tired. Tired of of hiding behind the hypersexual avatar he as played for centuries. Tired of putting himself in situations where he is a thing to be used to get what he needs. Tired of being a gateway of death. Tired of connecting to nothing.
It could be a number of things. Who really knows.
But then you nod. And the game is back on. His normal is returning and he feels like he is in familiar territory again.
"I thought so."
But I think he already has a feeling this is going to be different. Or at least, lets himself hope that it will be. Someone who is thoughtful enough to ask how they can meet your needs surely won't be the same as those who didn't give a damn.
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The morning after and we claim to notice that he was disassociating at times.
"Shit, they noticed!"
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He probably has not had to worry about hiding the fact that he was disassociating. But then here you are caring about his comfort during the deed that he got caught. He wasn't expecting that. And is quick to admit, because he can't deny it, and quick to excuse it. But even if he did space out form time to time, it wasn't all the time.
"That night was special to me. I've been on my back ten thousand times or more and forgotten half of them. But you, you I'll remember."
He literally says he didn't disassociate as much with you as he would have others. Given it was default mode for him during sex, I like to think he fought to stay present with you as best he could.
But you, you are a complication.
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moonstruckme · 7 months ago
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have a bonfire - send a character + a trope (one bed, fake dating, etc.) and I’ll write a drabble
i’m such a sucker for a fake dating trope, could i request a drabble with eddie or tasm!peter? (i feel like out of all of the boyfriends they are the most likely to do it lol) <3
Thanks for requesting lovely!
Eddie Munson x fem!reader ♡ 686 words
You drop Eddie’s hand as soon as you’re around the corner. “Baby?” your voice comes out disgusted, blissfully steady. “That’s what you’re going with?”
“I don’t have a shit ton of practice being couple-y,” he replies, huffy. “Sorry if I didn’t have time to whip out my domestic dictionary.”
You shrug. “Guess I just expected a little more creativity from you.” He does spend most of his time fucking around with chords and making up stories involving dragons and mages. 
You cross your arms, walking with a couple of feet between you and your part-time boyfriend now that there’s no one around to see. Eddie turns to look at you, his hair falling over his shoulder. “You like it.” 
He’s teasing, you think. He can’t possibly know that. But your face heats and you can’t look up from the sidewalk, because there had been an undeniable commotion in your stomach when Eddie had said in front of everyone, voice smooth and sweet as iced tea, You getting tired, baby? I’m about ready to head out.
It had been a warm sort of commotion, more bees than butterflies, buzzing all the way from the pit of your stomach up into your brain, where they’ve stayed, humming quietly even now. 
You try to pass your flustering off as pique, rolling your eyes and making sure Eddie sees. “It’s infantilizing,” you say. “I hate when guys call girls that, it’s so weird. I’m not a literal baby.” 
“Could’ve fooled me.” You look over, and Eddie’s grinning at you now, laying it thick on in the way he has been all night, except that was for show and this appears to be just for you. With how wobbly it makes your limbs feel, you don’t know how much more of it you can take. “You seemed a lot like a baby, the way you let me open every door for you all day and were just about falling asleep on my shoulder a couple of minutes ago.” 
And just like that, the happy buzzing quiet. Real indignation sparks to life in your chest. “I thought you were just being chivalrous for a minute there, but I figured that was ridiculous.” For a second, Eddie looks confused. “And anyway,” you go on, “it’s not like you were any better. I thought I was gonna have to pry your hand off my waist if you got any more comfortable.” 
“You still might have to,” he teases, reaching around your side to squeeze at that favored spot. Your vexation breaks up as a laugh jostles out of you, and you try to move away but Eddie doesn’t let you get far, pulling you roughly against his side. 
Any more of this, and you’ll have to get a tattoo of his handprint on your waist with Eddie’s spot written inside. It’ll be tasteless and suggestive, and you know Eddie will laugh for days. 
“I’ve got to find something equally punishing for you now,” you say. “How do you feel about sweetpea?” 
Eddie rolls his eyes. 
“No? Honeyboo?” 
“You know—” 
“Pookie?” 
“—I actually don’t care what you—” 
“Oh, I know! Stud muffin.” 
“Would you shut up?” Eddie squeezes you around the middle again, cutting you off with your own giggles. He doesn’t look nearly as embarrassed as you’d like, still grinning down at you like you’re a source of endless amusement. “Stud muffin actually isn’t bad, but I don’t give a shit what you call me, so long as it’s you.” 
Some of your playfulness fizzles out, and he smirks at what he takes for your dissatisfaction, stopping and grasping your upper arms to look you in the eye. The metal of his rings are cool on your skin. “Got that, baby?” he asks, stretching the endearment out long and teasing.
It takes you a second to react, grateful for Eddie’s hands on your arms as you try to remember how to balance on your own. Once you do, you scoff, ripping out of his grasp and continuing ahead. “Fuck you,” you say. 
Eddie all but skips to catch up to you. “Oh, you wish.” 
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mythbringer-mayhem · 10 months ago
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GODDAMNIT
man, I was just scrolling and now I'm a goddamn Raidioapple shipper what the FUCK
Ok ok-
And now I'm going to elaborate just because.
I was expecting someone out there to ship Lucifer and Alastor the second I heard Hell's Greatest Dad. I mean- two people singing/arguing over being father figures? Sounds gay to me /pos. The internet sure does love it's enemies to lovers (me included. I'm hopless lmao.)
BUT. I have specifics for this ship.
I hate it when people just look at Alastor's aromanticism/asexuallity and just go "nah. I'm just gonna do it anyways." I used to headcanon Alastor as complete aroace in the sense that he just can't feel that way for someone (this is not meant to sound like "oh he can't love anyone :( he's incapable" I mean specifically a romantic/sexual relationship.) Then fucking short ass king of hell arrives, and Alastor just IMMEDIATELY chooses violence.
I didn't think much of that besides "oh that's a little interesting," and then I stumbled across Radioapple and had to take a double take. My brain needed to figure out how that would work, like how it would start, flourish, ineract, yadda yadda-
.....so now I consider Alastor Demiromantic-
(I'm still goddamn writing jeez-)
Read on if you like random people looking wayyyyyy too much into fictional characters.
Headcanon timeeeeeeeee
When Lucifer and Alastor first meet, Alastor is surprised Lucifer doesn't know who he is. Up to this point, everyone knows about the terrifying radio demon, so it must be a little weird for someone to be completely ignorant to his existence. Especially when that person should probably know the ins and outs of what's going on- ....because he's the fucking king of hell.
This is something new for Alastor. It made him curious. When you're curious, you try to learn more right? So, Alastor starts pushing Lucifer's buttons, seeing how he reacts. On Lucifer's end, Alastor's just being a smug asshole. However his true intentions are information on the esteemed oh-so-powerful king of hell. Maybe Alastor doesn't quite know where this fascination comes from, but regardless he wants to learn more. I can picture him progressively bothering Lucifer more and more (this is his unique way of getting to know him semi-discreetly)
As well as figuring out what ticks him off, Alastor would also probably passively learn things Lucifer likes. For instance, he finds out what Lucifer's favorite alcoholic drink is or something- bare with me- Let’s say Lucifer has a rough day, and it's very clear to everyone in the hotel. While he's frustrated in his own room, he hears a knock at the door. Answering it, he finds his aforementioned favorite drink. At this point, he wouldn't know who left it. But after a while, he'd be able to figure out it's Alastor through process of elimination. (This is inspired by a comic I saw! :))
Now we've got Alastor trying to discreetly be kind to Lucifer, and Lucifer is aware without his knowledge. And Lucifer would call him out for it lmao. Slowly, they'd start acting friendlier towards each other. It would take a long, long time though. The slowest slow burn of them all. They'd hang out more, do things, kick angel ass, have friendly banter, do stuff with Charlie. Untill Alastor finally realizes that he might have a crush on Lucifer. Though, I feel he'd take a while to fully figure that out, do some soul searching, maybe go to Rosie for advice.
Then they'd confess. Or they wouldn't lol. I can totally see them going on what is essentially a date, even though they just consider it "hanging out". It would be a quiet relationship. Something you'd miss if you aren't looking for it, but it is there. They both just need someone they can rest with in my opinion.
These ideas are probably sporadic and nonsensical- but I ✨️don't care✨️ I just needed to rant about the old timey deer man and the short depressed apple gremlin.
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