#i think id be better off gone
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The problem is that I didn’t think I’d still be alive at 26 and i am and i have no fucking direction or ambition or drive and I am just left feeling like a burden. But I’m funny as fuck thanks to my mental illness so there’s that
#personal#depression#tw#trigger warning#im a burden#i think id be better off gone#who the fuck knows
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Suspirium - Thom York
#this is my very favorite song and i think ive been wanting to make this for abt a year#when i was at my most compulsivly unwell i would be focusing so hard and sleeping so little that i would feel physically sick#like the world was tilting around me and i would think: all is well as long as i keep spinning#bc i would stop moving and suddenly id be in pieces on the floor. but now i think my favorite lines are: when i arrive will u come and find#me? or in a croud be one of them? bc its such a profoundly lonely idea. i dont believe in a life after death. i think when ur gone ur gone#your brain stops and the thing that made you you is gone forever. but if i imagined an afterlife image getting off a train onto a crowded#platform and searching for my mom through all the chaos. when i arrive will u come and find me? would our connect extend past a lifetime?#or would u be in a crowed one of them? would i stand alone in a sea of people waiting for someone who was never coming?#its a very upsetting thought#im glad i waited to make this bc i feel the song more deeply after the death of my mom. it feels more sad and more ethereal.#there r like 2 different versions of the lyrics bc thom york is so fucking hard to understand#so i use the version i like better#original art
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Jitterbug
#whenever my meds kick in it feels like im gonna piss myself. not literally but its really really feels like it#and now whenever that happens my mind goes back to pancho (grandmas dog) at a xmas party years ago#bc he peed when we arrived bc he was so excited to see ppl and my cousin had to clean it up :o)#well for better or for worse i know that feeling now when im pumped on 20mg of adderall#im still getting used to this whole diagnosis thing cause ive gone untreated and undiagnosed for the longest time. so theres probably a lot#i still dont know and have to learn to get myself to be.. functional on my own? self managing????#i even set up reminders on my phone for work periods meals and stuff. but the problem is actually getting myself to stick to that to a T#because the minute i slack off or something gets in the way it throws it all off until i can be bothered to get back on track. it sucks#at least ive built up other habits like writing notes and setting alarms ahead of time.. but i feel like i could do better#its always hard to change something if youve been doing it wrong for the longest time. especially behaviour and thinking patterns. sigh#in other news my glasses bailed on me so i have to get a new pair sometime. i just realized i never draw my sona with glasses but thats#mostly bc i forget. id love to get some browline glasses like my old pair but im picky and its hard to find one id like for the next 5 year#i also finally managed to collect all the fish in my animal crossing file!!! pulled out a char last week and boom now i have a poster :o)#THAT was a moment where i almost peed myself for real. id love to get all the bugs but i cant stay up late on the switch :o(#yapping#my art#myart#doodles#personal#diary
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what are the consequences of lying to a psychiatrist asking for a friend
#AKA what wld their reaction likely be if i told them i havent been taking my meds for the past month#and that ive felt better in that time than ive felt in the past 2 years#thats like. thats good right#thats a sign i *shldnt* be taking these meds right#like im not saying im anti-medication or smth#there are still things going on w me that i think meds cld help with#i just really truly believe i was put on the wrong ones at first#and rather than stop and go “okay maybe these ones arent working” we just started treating the side effects with OTHER meds#like#fuck#i KNEW they werent working from the moment i started taking them#and i TOLD my drs#but they were just like “give it more time��� or “well lets add this one on and see how you feel”#im so curious now what this past year wldve been like if id never taken any meds#i genuinely think it wldve gone better#anyway. i think im just gonna be honest w him#im not a danger to myself or others rn#i dont think hed see it as a Red Flag or anything#im specifically trying to tell him how much *better* i feel off of them#god. wish me luck.
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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date back on for sunday now. His friend is okay. thank god. And uhhh, yea now we're finally be fr about the "hey we met on a dating, lets be so fr about what our experience has been" uncharted territory besties. we're not at "so what are you looking for?" but i already essentially told him my approach is to just really try getting to know ppl i find interesting and letting a spark develop from there w/o pressure. kinda like in school where you consistently see people in casual settings. and he thought it was a good plan so uh. here we are.
#basically he's had no luck and only like 2 matches (excluding me i believe) and all those people just never responded to him#which must be so funny bc now theres like. me. where i have seen his id. know his govt name. address. dob. and vitals. like. crazy.#and he's seen mine too ofc. equality. and uh. sounds like he's never dated. never had any bug feelings for anyone despite wanting to fall i#love so bad. which is... interesting. i feel like he has liked ppl and not recognized that it's a crush. nit just wanting to be friends but#imma hold off on sharing that until further developments.#i basically told him that I've had a very different experience. not to like brag but like most women will have better luck on apps (also hi#profile kinda sucks. all 4 photos look like a different person. his like actual answers to prompts aren't bad. they're good. thats what mad#me think 'oh i think i could rlly get along w/ this dude' but he'd attract a very niche type of woman)#which i also. didn't fully say. bc time and place. it'll come up but not right now. but yea so i told him that like. ive gotten many matche#but a lotttt of it is super low quality. lot of wasted time. so like. yea. we all have a bad time on dating apps till someone sticks and we#dont. we basically have both admitted to having idealized people in the past and getting the ick irl. and yea. building some good common#ground. ive always wanted to ask to ppl ive gone out w/ what their experience looks like but i feel like thats not smth to talk abt till#later on and I've never wanted anything past a 2nd date before so. yea.#although my first date did tell me but she was poly and like much more open to talking abt that than most monogamous ppl would be
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Need to get on top of whatever dumb fucking inferiority complex I got going on I'm tired of looking at everything about myself and going "Wow I am really sub-par." I know it's 2am but this isn't the midnight thoughts talking this is a fucking persistent curse throughout my day.
#ventings#drew up a really cute sketch and I will be honest I wanna share it at this stage sooo bad but my brain keeps telling me#that my dialogue writing is atrocious. so i guess im keeping this to myself until its lined lol#its going to take so much for me to share it and not go `sorry if this is ass haha..` BECAUSE I DONT WANNA SOUND LIKE IM FISHING#FOR COMPLEMENTS. IM NOT. I JUST GENUINELY DON'T THINK A LOT OF WHAT I COME UP WITH IS GOOD#LOL. LMAO EVEN idk im not even sad about this its kinda just pissing me off. can i not be confident in my works at least once#i think this is why i dont write a lot either. cuz id love to do it more i just constantly think what i put down is complete ass and it#demotivates me. positive comments are nice and i appreciate them sm but then my brain goes back on its bullshit#going to throw up and cry so many talented people surround me and i genuinely do not get what anyone sees in me LOL#like you can follow people who emulate the fnf style better. you can follow people who make better ship art or fics#you can follow people who are funnier. the worst is feeling like everyone around you is a moment away from realizing youre#actually worth nothing and dropping you for someone better at articulating things or who are funnier or are less annoying or#okay i just looked into the invisible camera and gave a toothy smile and a thumbs up to stop myself from crying i think#ive gone far enough into this. im going to bed#sorry everyone who sees this i promise im not normally this much of a sad bitch!#my inhibitions are just lowered cuz im tired and also all of my friends should be asleep rn so im not gonna accidentally#make people feel bad for me cuz of this. gluh. ive got shitpost doodles in the works ill be back to being goofy shortly
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Saw an earnest yet completely inaccurate or misinformed take and it's like okay fine fine just ignore that even tho they're out to lunch on what happened in that scene no need to comment keep it to yourself. Or at least your own post's tags
#as tho being fifteen and asking your friends to ask a favour for you is a personal slight#or that the bb game was planned weeks in advance when im pretty sure they said they found out the night bfor bc they won that game#at most it would have a week notice#that that was the schedule. and hlfre was a weekly club. not an event. a weekly activity#so like ya i gues ls could have asked for the reschedule but it was already clear eddie held no love for jocks so why would he think eddie#would do that for him? mike and dustin had better chances considering Dustin's closeness to eddie.#also playing a major session let alone a finale without one of your players sucks bc you play to have fun with friends#literally like. eddie is 19/20. lucas is 15. and already an outsider in hlfre as demod by the distain for 'jocks'#this aint all on him#and acting like lucas feeling like ddie doesnt like him is irrational is just. idk. insulting#i was trying to be vague and then wasnt lmao#basically if i were lucas i would have absolutely asked mynfriend who was club leaders fave to ask to reschedule dnd bc#i wasnt expecting our team to get to the finals but still wanted to play the FINALE SESSION#i get the other members would have been bummed but like. 'we cant reschedule bc this guy graduates in three months and-'#'mike is gone for a week' comes off very 'you picked your side and i dont like it so now deal with it' to me#but the other members would just have a night off. it was already clear for hlfre. because it was hlfre night.#so itd be disappointing for them and maybe frustrating having to wait two weeks but.#idk id rather wait two weeks than have a missing party member. or a REPLACEMENT??? for the FINALE#like whatever you can think eddie was right for not rescheduling but it wouldn't have been the end of the world#tbh no wonder lucas didnt sit with all of them. i dont blame him at all#sorry for the tag rant its just. cannot believe folls think its lucas' fault.#also where is the teacher advisor for this club. why were they not making this decision.#also what if some of the other hlfr members wanted to go to the game?#they set up an interesting parallel of eddie ALSO being stuck in his veiw of the world and how one should act but did nothing with it#idk if i should tag this st or not for my own benefit or jsut. let it sit#finda's rambles#finda writes stuff#there. ill be able to find it maybe#idk feel free to reply to this post#i just got worked up into a protective rage on Lucas' behalf
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well now that we know the cult is back, imma need some heavy bernard angst from the comic. the panic attacks, relapses into unhealthy behavior, pushing people away, imma need all of it.
#'but you're okay now?'#'some days.'#make that no days now bear#i need it to start off innocuously too. like he puts off a date or two claiming that he has homework. he's clumsier now. like he doesn't#care what's in front of him. he walks into a pole once and ends up with a huge bruise on his shoulder. bernard presses on it for weeks.#and then comes the 'it's just once. I'm not gonna do it again.' behavior. the purposeful pain. the dig his nails into his wrists until#it stings. the bandages on the inside of his thighs kinda pain.#the 'tim can never find out about this' type of unhealthy behavior.#i need bernard to escalate until he wakes up aching one day and it's like he's gone back in time to the beginning of his cult days.#i need him to look himself in the mirror one morning and realize that even if could stop hurting himself he's not going to.#i need him to start loitering around the old cult building knowing that it's wrong to wish they were still active but wanting it anyway.#i need him to go on several benders. so sorry but i think he has a fake id and definitely buys alcohol.#oh my god... wait wait wait!#i need him to go out one night after assuring tim that he's gonna go straight home and get kidnapped by the cult again.#oh my god he wakes up on the altar again. mouth filled filled with wine and his hands tied down and he-#he relaxes. because he was chosen the first time and now he been chosen again. he's still good. thank god thank god he's still good.#and the first time they chose him he was bad. struggled too much begged too hard to be let go. but he's better now.#they chose him. again. he won't fight it this time. he'll be good this time.#this is just your friendly reminder that#cult conditioning takes at /least/ 5 years to wear off. usually more.#my man bernard is gonna be having a Lot of bad days#anyway#bernard dowd#dc#td:r#timbern#ig
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writing the emotional turmoil of springtrap's one and only person in the world he cares for who's not already dead dying horribly and coming back as a literal toy he created for him. like yeah that's him but he's forever changed now and nothing can be done about that....
#g.txt#me personally i think id be better off#like no spine pain?#headaches r gone?#i dont need glasses???#sign me up#however#springtrap thinking hawk is dead only to come back twisted into one of his creations tee hee
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started yellowjackets with my family awesomeee……. lez out and kill in the woods ladies!!!!!!!!!
#also i was like. how long would it take you guys to eat someone if you were stranded like that#because ive thought abt it a lot lately esp since i watched castaway bc i think id do it right away#like not KILL someone and eat them that would take longer. but if there was an accident and people died during it id probably eat them#right away bc like. theres a whole bunch of meat going to waste. itll only attract predators for later and stink up the place if u have to#take shelter there. plus like if theres a crash it would scare away anything small you could catch in the area for a day or two so that food#option is gone. and then you have to scavenge like what if theres nothing around or u cant tell whats okay to eat#its better to eat someone fast to keep your energy up for how much work youll need to do finding shelter and water and food to survive#beyond a few days#anyways. i didnt say all this before bc i wanted their true answers and my mom said not for a very long time/probably not and my dad said#probably not WHICH SURPRISED ME BAD BC I THOUGHT HE WOULD SAY YES#and i was like. well lol. heres my opinion 🫢#idk if id actually be able to pull it off BUT. im just saying that would be the best option#better to cannibalize people already dead rather than kill someone youve gone through horrors to survive with as i always say!
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Hey gang more nsfw questions/vent(???) Idk uh. Any tips? What do you do for solo aftercare?
FUCK ok this is only the second time its ever happened but it still makes me nervous so uhh for the girlies what do you do abt pcb aka some blood after sex/masturbation
Logically I know its just from being a little too eager and that I should be fine and probably wont have to get it checked out but uhh. Idk. Fuck it this is tumblr dot com why am I being shy. Srsly. Anyways so I went too rough solo and its been a few hours but now I feel kinda small and nervous and ive been gentle w myself but I'm still slightly bleeding and yeah. :/ tips?
#had a GREAT time but now i feel like i need aftercare tips😅#because like i said this has happened once before -ive had a soak in the tub already & know dont go fucking anything for a week or two obv😅#but idk ive been gentle w myself its just the nervousness is still a thing bc well im bleeding when im not supposed to🤷#and like i want to be held (cant) but dont rlly want to talk abt it to my friends either bc ik we joke abt it but idk#i just dont rlly want giggled at or with rn bc like i said. i feel. small and a bit scared. and i want to be comforted.#my friends are sweet dont get me wrong but this is a me thing rn. lol#im a little sore (😏lmfao) but my main thing is i can feel the spots inside where it hurts and my lower back aches obv😞#mainly typing this to let some nervous steam out of the pot so i dont like fester in my thoughts#anyway at least i can like. daydream abt ratchet or knockout taking care of me😅 theyre doctors so i think theyd be very sweet abt it#😅😔i think im gonna get a heating pad and marinate instead of fester. gonna make a nest about it and read comfort fics#if it doesnt let up by the end of tomorrow ill see abt getting checked out😔💀😅#one of the few times where id prefer to not be single. and i LOVE being single. just in unsure times itd be nice to have someone to hold me#aha. ill be fine mentally by morning& less scared but as long as i still feel little zings of pain i am going to be whiny😅😂😞#anyway i think im alright just. feeling small at my own violations and cant seem to come back to myself fully??#idk i think after i make my nest and get cozy and feel safe itll prob be a huge weight gone and ill feel 1000x better#wanna feel guarded/protected rn. like room service hellooo? casper the ghost where the FUCK are my snacks? lmfaooo#srsly tho i love being single and honestly feel i function well alone too but hh.🙄needing someone isnt bad or anything to me but#when you want cuddles you want cuddles.🤷😔#anyway made my nest now!<3 i have earl grey alongside my water bc i wanted it✨💜gotta grab+hook up the heating pad then off to fanfiction😌#my cat is w me too ofc💜💜 sweet bby purring and making biscuits on his part of the bed💜💜
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The way my sister's arrival here is still over two weeks off but the nightmares are back already. I KNOW im gonna be in the fucking trenches
#all i want is a prayer circle she WILL as she said only be here for three weeks and then fuck right off again#thats shes not just gonna arrive here dump her shit at my moms and be like surprise......im not leaving again no backsies#apparently her life is turning to shit in every way possible and shes been pretty deep so my mom has said like#if youre actually suicidal id rather have you come home and rebuild your life again from here instead of being dead#and im like wow thats heavy @my mom i understand you saying that.#but also. shes ruined things here so badly no one actually wants her here again so it's like. my mom already has too much going on.#the cancer has improved her mood and energy is better and to think my sister would come here and be that burden again. absolutely not.#very much a make your bed and lie in it type of situation. youve burned all these bridges. do us a favour for once and maybe stay gone tf#ANYWAY right after her arrival theres a school holiday so i know my sleep is gonna be even worse w my upstairs neighbours rip#the week after the school holiday is my week off though. i NEED to look into quiet nature stays and get tf out of here somewhere safe#she doesnt have my address my mom doesnt keep it written down either but the knowledge there'd be some miles between us....yeah.....
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i think one of our hens is actually a rooster
#tales from diana#my parents got 6 new eight-week-old chickens in july#this one particular white one grew to be the biggest of the new ones and then recently the biggest of just. All of them#and it's not just big but tall and it has enormous feet#and it's been displaying very problematic and MEAN behavior. like even though i've had chickens for over a decade now#i had never see chicken bullying like this but i think now (supposing that it is a male) it might've been mating behavior#like it would stand on the other hens' backs and peck them and id have to go in and chase it off#i just kept saying wow you know mag is such a meanie mag is such a bully what are we gonna do about her?#now the new ones are still young so some of them are still developing their voices#like they don't really bu-ckaw yet even though they've lost their baby cheeps#but this afternoon i heard from out my window some cocka-doodle-dooing... like... uhmmmm#again i've had chickens for 11 years and ive heard a lot of chicken noises but ive never heard one of our hens make that sound#i mentioned to my dad last night 'hey you know is there a possibility that they gave us a rooster? would we be able to tell?'#and he was like 'yeah we could tell. theres no way we wouldnt know'#i spend more up-close time w the chickens anyway but especially since my dad got hip surgery 2 weeks ago#he hasn't gone out and done anything for them. obviously. he's recovering#i think mag is a boy#well. if that's the case we need to find someone to take him bc we aren't equipped to hatch eggs#but i'll seek out opinions from ppl who know better.
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i know its my own fault i'm in this situation but i'd really love if people could stop reminding me of that every time i try and ask for help to get out of this situation and get better and stop it from happening again. no one wants to acknowledge that hey maybe the guy who got to such a mental low point that he attempted suicide isn't actually just magically doing okay when he's got no one IRL to support him and that frequently being reminded of the fact that he repeatedly fucked up massively and that he has been asked to move out ASAP when he is already incredibly fucking sorry and working on addressing things and doing everything he fucking can to try and move out within a month without also jeopardising his healthcare and his longer term housing options. like sorry i already know ive hurt people and i feel incredibly fucking bad about it but im doing my best to stop it from happening again and shoving all my other shit aside so that I can do all the things I need to do to move out ASAP and i do not appreciate the constant insinuation that im not doing enough, especially right after i've talked about how much i'm struggling in all of this. If it was within my power how long things take I would not still be in this house, hell if it was within my power I wouldn't have had any of this happen, but it happened and everyone is all dealing with the consequences and just because it's my fault doesn't mean I chose for this to happen or that I can't also be struggling and it sucks when the one person in all of this who will even talk to me just constantly puts me down and then tries to suggest they're being compassionate for talking to me at all when I never asked for them to be the middle man and I'd actually be doing much better and probably able to make a lot more progress if on top of all the shit I'm dealing with I didn't have them there to remind me of things I already am all too aware of.
#ash rambles#vent#personal#rant#frankly i wish i could just attempt again and actually succeed this time#bc its been made blatantly clear that people don't want me around and they'd be better off without me#but i dont have access to any fucking feasible means with a high enough probability of a successful attempt to make it worthwhile#so im doing my damnedest to just fight my way through this and im so scared and alone#and no one other than a few online friends and my NHS mental health guy have been able to recognise just how hard im working myself#like idk man im fucking tired and suicidal and i dont really have a reason to live but im doing it all anyway so as not to cause more hurt#and yet im still the bad guy and will forever be treated like the bad guy when i just want to get better#but its whatever i guess. as long as everyone else gets their happily ever after at once im gone.#maybe then i can lie down and think about everything without wishing id died.
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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