#aha. ill be fine mentally by morning& less scared but as long as i still feel little zings of pain i am going to be whiny😅😂😞

[hoardingwordslikeawhore]

Hey gang more nsfw questions/vent(???) Idk uh. Any tips? What do you do for solo aftercare?

FUCK ok this is only the second time its ever happened but it still makes me nervous so uhh for the girlies what do you do abt pcb aka some blood after sex/masturbation

Logically I know its just from being a little too eager and that I should be fine and probably wont have to get it checked out but uhh. Idk. Fuck it this is tumblr dot com why am I being shy. Srsly. Anyways so I went too rough solo and its been a few hours but now I feel kinda small and nervous and ive been gentle w myself but I'm still slightly bleeding and yeah. :/ tips?

[phantasticworks]

Terminal Chapter 2

I finally wrote it!! It was a ride and I’ve been working on several other stories as well as this one but I figured it was time to finish it! Enjoy! 

read on ao3

Words: 24k 

Description: Three years later/flashbacks to that Florida trip where they first met. Everything isn't always perfect in a relationship, but Dan and Phil are trying to learn how to be okay with that.

Warnings: Swearing, smut (two separate scenes), light angst (who do you take me for), talk of family planning, mental illness

“Dan, hurry up, it’s already seven, we’re going to miss our flight,” Phil shouts down the corridor from where he’s stood in the lounge, frantically checking and double checking that he’s got his chargers, wallet, and socks in his bag. It’s the third time he’s opened his suitcase this morning, and he’s zipping it up as he starts yelling again. “Daniel, I swear to god-“

“Could you stop screaming at me? I was in the shower,” comes a voice from the doorway, startling Phil enough that he nearly knocks the suitcase off the sofa.

“Shit, you scared me!” He exclaims, his gaze snapping up to meet Dan’s. He’s not expecting his boyfriend to be dressed already, but there he’s stood, black jeans, black and white grid jumper on, and of course, a pair of black socks on his feet.

“Sorry,” Dan mumbles, looking far too sleepy for someone who’s apparently already showered. He yawns then as he saunters over to Phil, leaning down and puckering his lips for a kiss.

Phil presses his mouth to Dan’s for barely a second, swiftly moving away to glance over to where Dan’s own suitcase is stood by the front door. “Do you have all of your things in your suitcase? Your chargers and everything?”

Dan has a strange look on his face when Phil turns to look at him, but with a blink it’s gone, masked by a bored expression. “Yeah, I’ve got everything packed.”

“Your toothbrush?” Phil presses, unable to help himself for how annoying he’s being. He knew of course, after three years of dating, that Dan wasn’t always the most reliable when it came to catching flights on time, and normally Phil wasn’t even this bossy about it. There was something about this trip though, and Phil was on edge, waiting for everything to fall apart at any second. Missing their flight due to Dan’s infamous procrastination would be the domino that knocked down everything else, at least in Phil’s mind.

The younger man didn’t share Phil’s concerns. “Yes, fuck. I’ve got all my toiletries, my chargers, pants, and even lube in my case.” Dan says sarcastically, rolling his eyes as he moves over to the door where he’d left his shoes. He mumbles something as he shoves his feet into the sneakers, and Phil can feel his skin prickling with annoyance.

“What was that?” He asks, his voice harsher than he’d intended.

Dan huffs, struggling with his stupid zipper shoes apparently. “I said we probably don’t fucking need lube, considering you’re acting like you’ve already got a stick up your ass.”

The words are as physically hurtful to Phil as if he’s just been slapped in the face, and for a moment he can only stare at Dan. What had started out as just Phil’s stressed annoyance and sleepy aggravation on Dan’s part was shaping up to be a proper argument.

Almost as soon as Phil has processed the words and what they might mean for the rest of their day, Dan is whirling around, a look of panic on his face. “I didn’t mean that. Fuck. I’m sorry, babe, I didn’t-“ he takes a deep breath. “I don’t mean that. I know you’re stressed. I don’t know why I said that.” Brown eyes plead Phil to show them some mercy, and Phil’s never been proficient at ignoring them.

“It’s whatever,” Phil mumbles, staring down at the zipper on his bag. He was hurt, and Dan knew it.

There’s a short silence that fills with the sound of Dan sighing. On another morning, maybe Dan would apologize properly. Maybe he’d kiss Phil and offer to make it up to him later, and they’d just forget about it.

But today isn’t that day.

“C’mon, or we actually will miss the flight,” Dan says, grabbing his coat from the wall and shrugging it on.

Phil doesn’t look at him as he moves from the sofa, double checking that his phone is in his pocket before grabbing his suitcase and hauling it off their sofa. He fixes his gaze on the floor as he moves over to the front door, grabbing his coat off the rack and shoving his arms in, ignoring the weight of Dan’s stare.

“Here,” Dan says softly, stepping forward and reaching for Phil’s hood. He stays still as Dan adjusts it carefully, probably tucking the annoying tag back inside as it always tries to weasel its way out. “There.” Dan’s hand slides over his shoulder but falls away before Phil has a proper chance to react.

“Ready?” Phil asks, his voice flat.

“I guess,” Dan mumbles.

“Let’s go, then.”

~~~

The ride to the airport is awkward, to say the very least. Dan sits with his head resting against the window, playing a game on his phone as the driver tries to make idle chit chat. Phil feels anxious the whole time, and he’s sending Dan as many pleading looks as he can, begging for him to step in and help. It’s not until they’re nearly to the airport that he finally lifts his gaze to Phil’s, a guilty look on his face when he sees the panic there.

“Here,” he murmurs, handing his AirPods over. “That should help.”

“Thanks,” Phil mumbles in response, shoving the buds in his ears and quickly unlocking his phone to connect them. Before he can, soft music fills his ears, causing him to jump in surprise. His gaze flies to Dan, who looks a little sheepish.

Dan reaches out and plucks one of the buds out, tilting his phone for Phil to see the screen. A Spotify playlist is pulled up, but Phil can’t quite make out the title. “I, uh... made this for you a while ago. Forgot to show you.” His face flushes when Phil only stares at him in shock, and he clearly takes it as a bad sign. “You can listen to your own music, if you’d rather. It’s whatever, this is- this is stupid, I just-“

“Dan,” Phil says softly, barely raising his voice over Dan’s. Brown eyes widen as they stare into blue, and Phil gives him a smile. “It’s sweet.”

His face only flushes more, but Dan nods, looking out the window once more, his phone sitting forgotten in his lap. It may not be much, but Phil feels they’re already a step closer to normalcy than they were this morning. He longs to reach out and intertwine his fingers with Dan’s, but he knows they’re not quite there just yet.

As they turn a corner, Phil glances outside, and suddenly he feels a strange nostalgia creeping into the corners of his mind, reminding him of another car ride, to a different airport. With one of Dan’s chosen songs streaming into his ears, Phil settles in his seat and allows himself a moment to reminisce.

~~~

3 years ago, Marriott hotel in Orlando

“Phil. Phil, wake up. Phillll,” a voice, incessant and not completely familiar to Phil’s barely conscious mind, breathes into his ear. “Phil, I’m hungry. And bored. And you’ve stolen all the covers.”

“Ngh,” Phil grunts into his pillow, still unconscious enough to be convinced this is all some sort of illusion.

“Phil. C’mon, wake up.” The voice is whiny now, and something about that makes Phil’s lips quirk into a smile. “Aha!” The voice yells, startling Phil into proper awareness. “I saw that smile, Lester. I know you’re awake.”

“‘M not awake. Sleepin’.” It’s not entirely convincing, even to Phil’s ears, and he can’t help the grin that forms when he hears the exasperated huff.

“Fine. I guess I’ll go get off in the shower and go down for breakfast alone,” The voice teases.

That gets Phil’s attention.

“Wait,” he protests, lifting his head to get a better look at the man he’d fallen asleep with the past two nights. His hair is wild and curly from sleep, and probably also from their escapades the night before. His skin is glowing in the soft light of the hotel room, and his cocoa eyes stare at Phil with fond exasperation.

“What?” He demands, cocking an eyebrow.

Phil smirks. “Will you bring me back some pancakes?”

Dan groans loudly, rolling onto his back. “I dangle morning sex right in front of you and all you want are pancakes? Am I that unappealing?”

With a laugh, Phil rolls closer to the brunette, nuzzling his shoulder. “Can I drip syrup all over you and lick it off?” Phil breathes in a low voice, licking a stripe across Dan’s neck.

Dan swallows hard. “I think that would be very messy,” he whispers, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

Phil smirks against his skin. “Is that a no?”

Groaning, Dan rolls over to the nightstand and grabs his phone. “I don’t think we even have time for breakfast, it’s already after seven and our flight leaves at nine.”

Against his will, Phil feels a flash of panic. “Yeah, we need to go,” he says, trying not to alarm Dan, even though they do need to go.

There’s a soft smile on Dan’s face. “Okay. Do you want to shower before we leave?”

Phil considers this, and starts to decline before the underlying meaning behind Dan’s words sinks in. There’s a smirk on Dan’s face when he glances up, and Phil’s heart skips a beat. This is still new, they’re still new at doing this sort of thing together, and he feels nerves thrumming under his skin. “Sure. Save water, right?” He says cheekily.

Dan grins at him. “Something like that.”

He manages to pull Phil from his comfortable cocoon of blankets and into the bathroom, stripping the moment he’s stood in front of the shower. “Turn the shower on?” He suggests, giving Phil a sultry look as he shoves his pants down to his ankles, leaving him stood bare.

Phil licks his lips unthinkingly, suddenly parched. “Uh- right, yeah.”

He tinkers with the faucet until the water feels pleasantly warm, flipping the tab to set the shower on. Warm hands work their way underneath his T-shirt, stroking across his back in gentle sweeps. Phil shivers despite himself at the contact, leaning back into Dan’s touch. “You should be wearing less clothes,” he mumbles against the back of Phil’s neck.

“Yeah?” Phil says teasingly. “Maybe you ought to help me out.”

“Gladly,” Dan laughs before shoving the shirt up and over Phil’s shoulders, tossing it to the floor with a flourish.

Phil hums as the shirt hits the floor, tilting his head to give Dan a smirk. “Thought you didn’t like clutter,” he mocks.

Dan rolls his eyes. “You’re never gonna let that go, huh?”

“Hm…” Phil pretends to consider it. “No, actually, probably not.”

With a huff of laughter, Dan pushes against the waistband of Phil’s sleep pants. “Get undressed, you spoon.”

“Bossy,” Phil mumbles, doing as instructed anyway, kicking his legs out of his pants in a very uncoordinated fashion. Dan giggles behind him, but luckily doesn’t comment.

“Phillll,” Dan whines once he’s stepped into the water. “It’s cold.”

“It literally isn’t, shut up,” Phil laughs, pushing against Dan’s shoulder gently to make room for himself in the shower. It wasn’t actually big enough for the both of them, but that absolutely wasn’t stopping them from cramming their bodies together under the steady stream of admittedly not very warm water.

“I’m cold,” Dan complains.

Phil rolls his eyes but leans over to tamper with the controls, turning it to a slightly warmer temperature. “Better?” He asks, voice unintentionally soft when he sees the pleased expression on Dan’s face.

“Much. Will you wash my hair?” He requests, holding out the tiny hotel sized bottle of shampoo with dark eyes.

Something about the way he’s said it makes Phil quirk an eyebrow. “Is this one of those, “wash my back, I’ll wash yours” sort of things?”

Dan balks, nearly dropping the shampoo bottle in his surprise. “Phil!” He protests. “That’s- I’m genuinely shocked at you for that one.” He shakes his head, focusing on opening the bottle himself, but he doesn’t succeed in hiding the rosy patches on his cheeks, even with his head ducked.

Phil grins and reaches for the bottle. “Turn around, I’ll wash your greasy wig,” he teases.

“’S rude,” Dan mumbles, even as he does as he’s asked. He sighs the moment Phil’s hands come into contact with his hair, and Phil snorts under his breath.

The bathroom is filled with a silence as Phil works his hair into a thick lather, taking as much time as he dares to do so. They did have a flight to catch, after all. Dan makes these breathy little sighs that make it all too easy to forget that they haven’t got the kind of time Phil wishes they had, and he tugs on a curl in reprimand when he realizes Dan is doing it on purpose. “Quit flirting,” he chastises, dropping his hands to Dan’s shoulders to guide him back under the water. “Rinse your hair out, love.”

The endearment falls out without his permission, and his eyes widen as they dart to take in Dan’s reaction, an apology already on the tip of his tongue. Instead, he finds a soft grin and the tiniest hint of Dan’s dimple. “Here,” Dan says, handing the shampoo over so Phil could wash his own hair.

Despite what the both of them clearly want this morning, the shower is quick after that, both of them trading places so that Phil can rinse his own hair out once Dan is finished with his. The tension is there, just boiling under the surface, and it’s very nearly broken when Dan reaches down to take Phil into his hand, under the premise of saving time and effort on Phil’s part. “You can rinse your hair while I-“

“What? Clean my bits?” Phil taunts, trying hard to keep his voice even under Dan’s ministrations.

Dan huffs a laugh. “You don’t miss a thing, do you, Lester?”

Phil sighs. “I’m going to miss this,” he says softly, tilting his head back to rinse the suds out of it and to hide from Dan’s gaze.

“Yeah,” Dan whispers in response, barely audible over the sound of the water running. “Me too.”

He doesn’t stop moving his hand, even when Phil mumbles something about being late. Instead, he shushes the older man and brings him off slowly and gently, the pleasure coursing over Phil in soft waves. He starts to return the favor, but Dan gently pushes his hand away. “We don’t have time, remember?”

Phil frowns but nods, watching as Dan steps out of the shower and grabs a towel. Something in his chest sinks with disappointment, but it’s cleared away when he steps out of the shower and finds Dan stood with another towel in his hands, a soft smile on his face. There’s something sickly sweet crawling up Phil’s throat at the gesture, but he shrugs it off and says a quiet thank you before taking the towel.

It doesn’t take them very long to get dressed and gather their minimal luggage, but Phil does feel a certain anxiety in his gut when he sees that it’s already eight. If Dan is bothered by Phil’s persistence, he doesn’t show it, and they head down to the lobby for check out with their hands intertwined. Phil begs off and shamelessly allows Dan to handle the actual human interaction of check out while he pulls his phone out to make sure the car he’d ordered was outside.

“All set?” Dan asks when he finishes with the concierge, an eyebrow quirked in question.

“Yep,” Phil replies, locking his phone and leading the way out the door.

The drive to the airport is filled with mindless chatter, but the closer they get, the more uneasy Dan appears. His jokes are flatter, and his laughs are shorter and half-hearted. By the time they’ve pulled onto the road where the airport is located, he’s gone completely silent.

“Dan?” Phil asks softly from where he’s sat, pressed close to Dan from shoulder to thigh. “Are you alright?”

“Will you actually call me when we get back to London?” he asks, his voice wavering uncertainly.

Phil spares a glance at the driver, who doesn’t appear to be paying them much attention right now. “What? Of course I will.”

“Do you swear?” Dan asks, turning his wide brown eyes onto Phil, his body practically thrumming with nervous energy.

“Yeah, course,” Phil whispers, his heart squeezing at Dan’s uncertainty.

Dan nods slowly, turning to stare out the window. Before Phil gets the chance to question his sudden doubt, Dan reaches down and intertwines their fingers. “This is really important to me. I don’t know how I’d bear it if I lost it after I only just got it.”

Phil sends another fleeting look to the driver, who’s currently huffing at the state of traffic in front of the airport. Certain that they’re currently safe from any sort of homophobia, he reaches for Dan’s chin, tilting his head to the side and pressing a firm kiss to Dan’s pliant mouth. He doesn’t give Dan much of a chance to reciprocate, but with a swipe of his tongue against Dan’s bottom lip, he pulls away. “I’ll call you when we’re in London. I swear on my life, okay? You don’t… There might be a lot of things that aren’t certain in your life, but I don’t want to be one of them, okay?”

Dan swallows hard and nods, his eyes glassy. Phil presses another chaste kiss to his lips before leaning away just in time for the driver to announce that they can get out of the car. Phil hands him a few bills before turning to gently usher Dan out of the vehicle. “Phil?” His voice is bordering on desperate.

“Hm?”

“This is a sure thing, right?”

“Yeah, love, it’s a sure thing.”

~~~

Present day

“Phil,” a voice is saying into his ear. The voice is annoyed and familiar, and Phil has no desire to open his eyes. “Phil, come on, we’re going to fucking miss the flight.”

With a small, resigned huff, Phil opens his eyes and shifts from where he’d clearly fallen asleep leaning against the window. He frowns at his boyfriend, rubbing at his eyes and nearly knocking his glasses off in the process. “I’m up.” His voice is flat, tired.

Dan rolls his eyes and flings his door open, muttering as he goes. Phil only catches pieces of it, but most of it is just swears. He ignores it. Apologizing to the driver, he leaves a tip, knowing that Dan had likely already paid. When he steps out onto the curb, Dan is stood staring down at his phone, typing furiously. Phil has an odd moment of panic, wondering who Dan is texting but it’s gone just as soon as it had arrived. They were long past the point in their relationship where Phil doubted Dan’s commitment, but on days like today, when they’re already not quite on the same page, he feels that same doubt creep back in, slowly but surely.

“What’re you doing?” Phil asks despite himself, despite knowing that Dan will huff and accuse him of not trusting him and about a million other things before he gets around to some vague explanation of what he actually is doing.

As expected, Dan huffs, a short bitter thing. “Fuck you,” he spits. It’s unwarranted, and Phil flinches at the tone. Dan doesn’t even look up.

“I’m going inside to find a café or something. I need coffee.” Phil means it as an invitation for peace, maybe a chance to restart this weirdly aggressive morning they’re having.

“Fine, whatever.” He waves his hand dismissively before announcing, unprompted this time, “I’m doing the online check in since someone apparently thought it was time for a fucking nap in the car.”

Phil bites the inside of his cheek and counts to ten. It doesn’t actually work, but sometimes he feels like if he doesn’t at least give himself a chance to calm down, he might actually do something he regrets. He glances at the time on his phone, unsurprised to see that they’re actually only fifteen minutes late, and even then, they’ve still got plenty of time to get to their gate and everything. But something changed Dan’s temperament in the car and he’s not letting it go right now. “Okay. Do you want me to check our luggage in?” He offers, even though that’s his least favorite airport task.

“No, actually I’d prefer that someone who isn’t so fucking socially inept take care of our possessions, thanks.” On another day, that would be almost funny. On a normal day when they weren’t semi-fighting, Phil would’ve rolled his eyes and made some self-deprecating joke before leaving Dan to his devices, since he was always the one who was better at all of that sort of thing.

Today isn’t a normal day.

“I’d appreciate it if you could quit being a prat for about five minutes, Dan.” Phil’s voice is wobbly, against his permission, of course, and he knows that Dan can hear how close he is to losing it.

Dan glances up at him, clearly a little surprised. That’s the funny thing about their relationship on days like this; Dan is bossy and runs over Phil like a freight train, and Phil often just puts up with it. He knows that it isn’t Dan, exactly- rather a Dan who’s at the mercy of a harsh chemical imbalance that makes him say and do things that he’ll regret within an hour. Phil knows this, and normally he has the self-preservation to keep his mouth shut and let it run its course.

Today isn’t one of those days.

“Go get your coffee,” Dan mumbles in dismissal.

Phil lets out a long breath before nodding and turning to walk into the airport, dragging his suitcase behind him. He’d check in his own, but he’d let Dan take care of himself. Sometimes on days like today that’s what they both needed, the space.

The line for luggage check is a short one, thankfully, so Phil only has to wait a few minutes before he can hand over his red suitcase, smiling politely when the woman greets him. “Isle of Man, huh? Anything exciting going on over there?”

Phil tries not to be annoyed. She was just making idle chit chat, he couldn’t fault her for just doing her job, even on a day when he’d rather not speak to anyone. “Not particularly, just visiting my family.”

She smiles broadly and hands him the other end of the luggage tag. “That’s lovely, dear. You know most young men don’t make time for their family, these days. They’re so busy with girlfriends and dating.” She waves a dismissive hand. “It’s nice to see a nice boy going home to see his family.”

He smiles tightly as he shoves the paper she’d handed him into his backpack. “Right. Have a good day,” he says awkwardly as he moves away from the counter, desperate to end that conversation.

She responds with a similar sentiment before turning to repeat the interaction with the next person in line. It must be a dreary life, he suddenly thinks, living like that, repeating the same actions over and over again, with random stranger after random stranger. He doesn’t envy her job at all, even on the days when his own feels particularly stifling.

He’s still considering the whole airport concierge thing and how much of a bum deal it is when he walks into a Starbucks. There are several people stood in line, several of them in business casual attire, as well as one young mum with a fussy toddler. Phil can’t help but study the little child’s face, splotchy with all the tears they’ve likely cried. He feels a tug in his chest and has to divert his gaze when the baby looks directly at him, an unexplained weight on his heart.

After waiting for several long minutes, finally it’s Phil’s turn to order. “I’ll have two caramel macchiatos to go, please.”

The barista doesn’t look at him as she asks what size, reaching for the cups before he’s even opened his mouth. “The names?” She asks then, her pen already poised above the plastic.

“Uh, Dan and Phil.”

She nods, gesturing for him to step aside and wait while she takes the order of the next people in line. He shoves his hands into his pockets as his gaze flits around the café, idly acknowledging all the lives that are being lived right in front of him. It’s strange, he thinks, that these are all people who have their own lives and their own dreams and hopes and aspirations, and he’s just passing through their day. It was even stranger when he considered that the reverse was true; he had his own life, problems, and hopes for the future, and these people were just passersby. With a start, he realizes that nearly everyone in his life was a passerby.

“Dan!” The barista calls out. “Phil!”

Right. Dan wasn’t a passerby. But on days like today, sometimes it felt that he might as well be. “Thanks,” he says to the barista, shoving his phone in his pocket and grabbing both of the drinks.

He’s careful as he makes his way out of the coffee shop, glancing around in search of his boyfriend. Dan really wasn’t a hard guy to spot, being so tall and everything, so Phil spots him pretty quickly. He’s stood at the luggage counter, his backpack slung on one shoulder as he shoves something inside it. Phil decides to wait where he’s at, since there was quite a lot of people stood between himself and Dan, which could easily be a disaster with his clumsy feet.

Dan must feel Phil’s gaze, because his head tilts up and his eyes start scanning the area, a confused look on his face. As soon as their gazes meet, his shoulders relax. Phil can’t help but feel a little bit pleased at the reaction, at the fact that even on his bad days, Dan still finds comfort in his familiar presence.

“I got you a drink as well,” Phil says in lieu of a hello when Dan reaches him, holding the drink out instead.

“Is it some of your festive bullshit?” Dan asks as he takes the cup, his tone only slightly less bitter than it had been earlier. Phil thinks he’s probably genuinely trying to make a joke, even though his voice would suggest otherwise. Phil almost acts on the slight offense he feels, but he can tell that Dan’s exhausted from fighting the demons in his head, and really, he can’t fault him for his body’s messy chemistry.

Instead, he forces a smile and gently places his now empty hand on Dan’s lower back to guide him in the direction of their gate. “No, I figured I’d give you a break from that.”

Dan’s eyes flicker at this, and he looks a little surprised. Instead of saying anything, he takes a sip of the drink. There’s a shift of his expression then, and if Phil hadn’t been studying him so closely he’d have missed it entirely. A tiny twitch of his lips, a signal that he understands why Phil ordered this for him, and maybe even appreciates it. That theory is proven correct when he leans just slightly against Phil’s side. “Thank you,” he says quietly.

Phil’s heart clenches. There he is. “You’re welcome, baby.”

Dan closes his eyes for a moment, allowing himself to be led and trusting that Phil won’t lead him astray. It’s a trust that Phil takes seriously, one that he would die a hundred times for in order to keep that trust intact.

Well, maybe that’s a little dramatic, which is usually Dan’s thing.

Still, Phil is careful not to lead Dan straight into any walls or unsuspecting airport goers.

~~~

“Could you turn that down?” Dan snaps.

Phil sighs deeply. Whatever moment of peace they’d had has been thoroughly shattered for some reason, and now Dan is back to being a proper twat. It wasn’t that Phil wasn’t used to this; he was, and that was the problem. That’s not to say that Dan was always like this, of course he wasn’t. But it was just that for some reason it seemed worse this time, almost like Dan was trying to outdo himself by seeing how much of a dick he could be to his boyfriend. It was a challenge Phil felt their relationship could probably do without.

“Sorry,” Phil mumbles, turning down his music just as Dan had asked him. “Better?” He doesn’t intend to mock Dan, and his tone is soft.

Dan glances over at him from where he’d been writing in his journal and rolls his eyes. “Yeah, thanks.” His words are dripping with sarcasm, but Phil resigns himself to accept that for now.

They had been waiting for nearly half an hour at the gate now, and if the time on his phone was correct, Phil deduced that they’d be boarding their flight in about fifteen minutes, if everything went to schedule. He really doesn’t want to be stuck next to a moody Dan for an hour-long flight, but right now it’s looking like he might not have a choice.

It’s unfortunate, really, he thinks, that Dan is in such a state right now. It was only a few days before Christmas, and Phil’s stomach churns with the idea that they might not be over their row by Christmas Day. He glances over at Dan for probably the fifth time in as many minutes, desperate to fix things somehow.

But he couldn’t fix Dan. He knew that better than anyone. There’d been attempts, of course, at the beginning. There’d been long arguments and slammed doors, tears and screaming, ignored messages and empty flats. Dan’s depression was something he’d had to learn to live with, and on the days that it didn’t control their lives, Phil swore that Dan was the best thing that had ever happened to him, when even Dan himself didn’t believe it.

He wonders, idly, if maybe he made it worse. If maybe his affection for Dan was weighing him down, if maybe it made Dan feel too responsible, too vulnerable. Maybe that was true on the bad days, but on the good ones, Phil figured that Dan loved him just as much as he loved Dan.

On a whim, he pulls out his phone and types a quick message. He locks his phone immediately after, dropping it back to his lap as he tilts his head to study Dan for a reaction.

Dan’s phone dings in the silence, and he nearly jumps at the sound. Phil suppresses a smile at that. Dan digs into his pocket and pulls it out, allowing his journal to close, momentarily forgotten. Phil spares a glance at the leather, a loathing so deep pooling in his chest before he swallows it down.

There’s a complicated look on Dan’s face. His eyebrows are furrowed as he stares at his phone, but Phil sees the way his eyes gloss over and he twists his lips, drawing his bottom one in between his teeth to chew on. It’s a habit Phil hates, but one that he’s learned to live with, just like all the other parts of Dan.

After a moment, Dan’s gaze flicks to Phil’s. Phil offers him a small smile. Dan nods, a jerky movement, before his thumbs fly over the keyboard to type a response, Phil assumes. A second later, Phil’s own phone buzzes, and he looks down at it with a feeling of trepidation in his chest. It was always a gamble on days like today, the kind of reaction he’d get from sharing his affection with this man.

This time, he’s beyond pleased with the response he sees.

Phil: I love you.

Dan: I love you more.

Of course, that doesn’t undo the things Dan had said today, and of course there’d be tearful apologies later, followed by a proper conversation about what needed to be done to prevent these things from being harmful to their relationship going forward. But for right now, there was this. There was Phil, loving Dan more than he felt he’d ever loved another person, and there was Dan, returning that love.

And for now, that could be enough.

~~~

“Phil?” Dan whispers. His voice is close to Phil’s ear, and when Phil turns to look at him, their noses barely brush.

“Hm?” Phil asks distractedly. It may have been three years of their relationship now, but that didn’t change the fact that Dan was irresistible to him, even with his chapped lips and furrowed eyebrows.

“I want to take a nap,” he’s still whispering, even though no one around them appears to be sleeping or disturbed by their quiet conversation.

Phil can’t help the small smile that creeps onto his lips. “C’mere,” he shoves the arm rest separating them up and out of the way before holding an arm out in invitation.

Dan hesitates, as he always does, and takes a quick glance around. They were both out and secure of their sexualities and their relationship, but the things that bother Dan about PDA aren’t the same things that bother Phil, so sometimes it wasn’t something they shared. For now, though, Dan seems comfortable and relaxed enough not to care what people might think. He leans into Phil, snuggling close to his chest and allowing him to wrap an arm around his shoulders.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles against Phil’s jacket. “For being a dick. I don’t… Today’s not a good day.”

“I know,” Phil says, trying not to sound bitter. He presses a kiss to Dan’s hair to soothe the subtle accusation. “It’ll be a long day, but if you want to go to the bedroom and nap when we get there, you can. Mum won’t mind.”

Dan sighs. “Kath’s a saint, she wouldn’t mind if I asked to be fed exclusively cake the whole time we’re there.”

Phil lets out a giggle. “She’d gladly feed us cake and tea the whole time. She might sneak some chopped up carrots in there, though.”

Dan crinkles his nose adorably. “Nevermind, your mum is a psychopath.”

“I’m telling her you said that,” Phil teases.

“No! I can’t lose my favoritism!” Dan protests.

“Your favoritism? Out of what, the two of us?”

Dan smiles, but shakes his head. “Out of me and Cornelia.”

Phil laughs outright at this. “Babe, I hate to break it to you, but Cornelia definitely has superiority in that department.”

“She does not!” Dan’s pouting, but Phil knows it’s in jest. He’s tilted his head to stare up at Phil, and something about the angle of it is so cute, he can’t help leaning forward and pressing a kiss to the tip of his nose.

“She’s been there longer, there’s definitely superiority there,” Phil says, not missing the blush that’s lingering on Dan’s cheeks now.

“Whatever. I’m your mum’s only son-in-law, so I’m still special.”

He’s joking, of course. They aren’t married. Yet, at least. They have discussed it, a little, and are at least in the same chapter, although Phil isn’t sure they’re quite on the same page yet. Though, at the start of their relationship they weren’t even in the same book, so he figures it takes time for a decision like that to be made.

“You’re special to me,” Phil concedes, his voice dripping with sweetness.

Dan crinkles his nose at the sentiment. “Ew. Don’t be sappy.”

Phil huffs out a quiet laugh. “Okay. I’ll be sure to tone down my affection for you.”

A sad smile twists at Dan’s lips then. “Right,” he says, a little disappointed.

“I’m kidding,” Phil reassures him softly. When Dan glances up at him, Phil presses a quick kiss to his temple. “I don’t pretend, not about you.”

He sees the way this affects Dan in how the younger man swallows hard, blinking fast as he ducks his head. He presses impossibly closer to Phil now, and Phil isn’t sure if he imagines the feelings of lips against his shoulder or if it’s real. “I love you,” Dan whispers.

Phil ducks his head to press his mouth to Dan’s ear. “I love you more, babe.” He knows the pet name gets to Dan; it always has.

Dan lets out a shaky laugh. “Not possible.”

And Phil doesn’t want to argue with Dan, not while he’s being sweet and flirty and pliant like this. Instead, Phil drops another kiss to his curls before leaning his head against Dan’s and closing his eyes. “Nap time?”

“Yeah,” Dan replies in a soft voice. “Are you sleeping too?”

Phil glances out the window, surveying the rather impressive view they have. “No, actually I think I’m okay. But you should get some rest, you need it.”

Dan crinkles his nose but doesn’t protest. He nuzzles against Phil’s shoulder in the most adorable way, and Phil has to bite his tongue to hold back a coo that he knows would only embarrass Dan. “Night, love,” he whispers, turning his gaze back to the window.

Like every time he takes a flight with his boyfriend, his mind is thrusted back into that place where they met, and the first flight they took together to head back home to London. Phil never told Dan, but on some level he did consider that their first trip together, even though they had technically only met and hadn’t even made things official at the time. He spares a glance at the man beside him, studying the way a curl is hung over his eyebrow. The creases in his forehead haven’t fully smoothed out yet, and Phil knows he’s not actually asleep yet. If he really wanted to, he could poke his cheek and keep him awake, reflecting on that first trip with him.

But as it were, Dan was already in a mood, and Phil didn’t want to make it worse. So, he’d let him sleep and think about that day to himself, without Dan’s introspective comments there dissecting every moment Phil is fond of.

~~~

3 years ago, Orlando National Airport

“Rock, paper, scissors for the window seat?” Dan suggests with a sheepish smile.

They were probably holding up traffic, honestly, as there was a line of frazzled flyers behind them. Phil would love to indulge Dan in yet another one of his little games, but this time he figures it’s in their best interest to let it go for now. “I’ll take the window seat this time, you can have it next time,” Phil negotiates, not even realizing how presumptuous it sounds until Dan quirks an eyebrow at him. “I mean-“

“Sit down, Phil,” Dan says with a good-natured roll of his eyes.

Phil gives the other passengers an apologetic smile for the short hold up before scooting into the row and settling himself into the window seat. Dan is right behind him, settling closer than is probably strictly necessary. Sure, they were both large men and this was a small airplane, but still, Phil thought that maybe their thighs pressed closely together was just a preference.

“Close, innit?” Phil teases gently.

Dan squints at him. “I don’t think so, no. We’re still in Florida, Phil, we won’t be close for quite some time.” At first, Phil is a little taken aback, but as soon as he goes to elaborate, Dan grins cheekily.

“You knew what I meant,” he says with a roll of his eyes.

The brunette only laughs cheerily. “I did.”

Phil knows he’s got a fond look on his face, but he doesn’t know how to tone it down. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

Predictably, Dan’s face floods with color, clearly not adjusted to hearing these kinds of compliments. “Am I?”

“Yeah,” Phil says, his voice decisive. “You are.”

They entertain themselves with I Spy for a little while, but eventually Dan announces that he wants to play an “adult game,” which unsurprisingly, got the attention of several adults sat around them, and more than a few raised eyebrows. If Phil thought he could make Dan blush, it was really nothing compared to the color on his cheeks now. He mumbles an apology while Phil is sat shaking with silent laughter, shrugging helplessly when Dan glares at him.

“You know what I meant!” Dan hisses.

Phil quirks an eyebrow with a smirk. “What “adult games” did you have in mind, Danny?” Dan punches his arm, causing Phil to yelp in surprise. “Dan!” he whisper-shouts.

Dan is just on the verge of telling him off when they’re interrupted by someone clearing their throat. Phil glances up, face flooding with heat when he locks eyes with the flight attendant. There must be something that gives it away on his face, because Dan’s eyes widen comically.

“Excuse me, sirs, I’m going to have to ask you lower your voices, you’re disturbing some of the other passengers.”

Before Phil has the chance to stutter out some half-assed apology, Dan speaks. “Yes ma’am, terribly sorry about that, my boyfriend was choking on an almond.”

The woman has a bored, disbelieving look on her face. “Right, well, just keep it down, lads.”

They both nod, Dan hiding a smirk as he looks back over at Phil. As soon as the flight attendant is gone, Dan lifts his head, his nose up in the air in what is clearly an imitation of the lady. “Keep it in your pants, boys,” he says, imitating her accent.

Phil tries not to laugh, he really does, but the giggles spill out against his will, and he just barely manages to cover his mouth to contain them. “Shut up!” He whispers in reprimand. “She’ll come back and- and-“

“And what?” Dan challenges. “Kick us off the plane?”

“Well… No, probably not that, but-“

“The worst she could do is probably have the pilot ask us not to fly with this airline ever again,” Dan says, rolling his eyes.

Phil balks. “Well I don’t want that! I like this airline, thanks very much.”

Dan’s lips twist into something resembling a smirk. “I’m sure you could afford much nicer flights with your big editor bucks,” he says flippantly. There are definitely bitter undertones in his voice, but Phil pretends not to notice.

“I like to live modestly, actually,” Phil says as casually as he can. He did actually make rather good money, but that wasn’t something he really liked talking about, especially since he wasn’t entirely sure that Dan’s financial situation was a good one.

“Yeah? Why’s that?” Dan asks, almost tauntingly. “Like to look humble or whatever?”

Phil cracks a smile at the way Dan’s eyes fall as soon as the words are out, clearly regretful of his words. “Nah, I just like spoiling my boyfriend and I can’t do that if I blow all my money on fancy airplane flights.”

Dan’s mouth literally drops open at that, and Phil can’t pass up the chance to be just a little cheeky. He gently strokes his chin before tilting it up so that Dan’s mouth closes. “Careful, babe,” he whispers. “You’ll catch a fly in that trap of yours.”

At this, Dan seems to come back to his senses, shoving Phil away and crossing his arms with a mumble. “That’s just rude.” His cheeks are slightly pinker now, though, and Phil can’t tell if it’s because of the boyfriend comment he’d casually made or if it’s because of the fly trap thing. Either way, he figured Dan couldn’t stay embarrassed too long.

Sure enough, a few moments later, Dan leans closer, staring out the window beside Phil. “It’s beautiful, huh?” He says softly.

Phil’s eyes don’t leave the brown curls and perfect dimple not two inches in front of his face. “It really is.”

Dan’s eyes flicker over to Phil, and for maybe the first time ever, Phil manages to hold his gaze after saying something so cheesy. He expects Dan to roll his eyes or huff or maybe even shove him away again, but instead, he surprises him. His gaze softens and he slowly leans closer, puckering his lips just slightly.

Phil knows they’re on a flight, a crowded one with people they don’t know who could very well be homophobic assholes. That doesn’t stop him from leaning in to close the distance, framing Dan’s lips with his own. It’s sweet and chaste, almost to a fault, but that doesn’t make it any less special to Phil.

When they part, Dan has a very pleased look on his face. “Thank you,” he says in a whispered voice.

Phil doesn’t know exactly what he’s saying it for this time, but that doesn’t stop him from responding. “You’re welcome.”

~~~

Present day

“Dan? Wake up, c’mon. The plane’s landed.”

The brunette lets Phil know exactly what he thinks about that in no uncertain terms. “Fuck off.”

“Love you too,” Phil rolls his eyes. “Get up, we’re about to get off.”

“Don’t wanna get off,” Dan mumbles, nuzzling against Phil’s shoulder once more, a pout on his lips.

Phil snorts. “That’s the first time I’ve ever heard that coming from you, mate.”

Dan opens his eyes at this, giving Phil an incredulous look. Phil sees the way he goes rigid, his eyes darting around as if trying to see if there’s anyone who heard. “Phil-“ he starts.

“I know, I know. Sorry.” Something about it just rubs Phil the wrong way and he shrugs Dan off his shoulder before standing. “Get up, c’mon.”

“I-“ Dan looks like he’s on the verge of apologizing, regret in his eyes, but Phil shakes his head in warning.

“Don’t,” he mumbles. “Get your stuff.”

For once, Dan doesn’t argue, doesn’t even try to make a snarky remark. Instead, he quietly shoves his arms back into his coat sleeves, grabbing his phone and shoving it in the pocket. There’s lots of people already pulling their things out of the overhead, and Dan stands to grab their shared backpack without being asked. Phil expects him to whine about it being heavy or something, but instead he just tosses it over a shoulder and stands waiting for the people in the row across to move out of their seats.

As soon as they’re off the plane and walking through to baggage claim, Phil feels his phone vibrating in his pocket. He knows without looking that it’s probably his brother, who’s supposed to be picking them up at the airport.

“Hey, Mart,” Phil answers as cheerfully as he can, standing beside Dan and watching the bags on the carousel move around at a snail’s pace.

“Hey. You off the plane?” His brother’s voice asks.

Phil resists the urge to scoff. “Well, I’m answering your call, aren’t I?” He ignores the nervous glance Dan sends him when he hears his tone.

Martyn sighs. “Don’t be a twat, please. Mum’s so excited to see you, and it’ll crush her if you’re fussed when you get here.”

“Yeah, I know,” Phil tries to soften his voice. Dan is braced beside him, almost as if he’s anticipating a fight. It makes Phil frown, and he gently reaches a hand out and brushes his knuckles against the back of Dan’s hand in what he means to be a soothing gesture. “I’m fine. Just tired. Early flight and all. Are you and Corn picking us up outside?”

“It’s just me, Cornelia wanted to stay home with mum.” His voice is uncharacteristically nervous now, and Phil doesn’t quite know what to make of that.

“Okay. We’ll be outside in a minute, we’re at claim right now.”

“Alright.” With that, Martyn hangs up. Phil frowns at his phone and the weird way his brother is acting. He wasn’t sure if it was just him being paranoid, but he was pretty positive that something was going on. His brother normally didn’t act quite so… anxious. But perhaps he’s projecting.

Dan has stepped away to pull his suitcase off the carousel, but Phil sees the way his eyes scan the surrounding ones for Phil’s. Trying not to brush limbs with too many people, Phil moves closer to where the carousel starts and waits until he sees the red case. When he turns around, suitcase in hand, Dan is stood just a foot away, waiting with a nervous look on his face.

“Ready?” Phil asks, offering a small smile.

Dan nods, a jerky movement. Phil cringes internally. He really didn’t mean to freak him out, but Phil couldn’t help the annoyance prickling under his skin. What he could help, he decided, was how he treated his boyfriend because of it. He takes a quick glance around and deciding everyone is far too busy to be bothered with them, he holds a hand out. Dan stares at it with wide eyes.

“Are you-“

“Yes,” Phil says softly. “Please?”

After surveying the area for himself, Dan slowly steps closer and nudges Phil’s hand with his own, intertwining their fingers loosely. He stares pointedly at the ground as Phil guides him out of the airport, looking around for his brother as soon as they’re outside.

“There they are! Took you long enough,” Martyn calls with a roll of his eyes. He’s stood outside the car he’d borrowed from their parents, and even with their strange phone conversation hovering in the back of his mind, Phil can’t help but smile at the sight of his brother.

“Hey, Martyn.” As it had been a few months since they’d last seen each other in person, Phil accepts the hug and even the playful hair ruffle from the older man before stepping back.

“Dan, how are you, mate?” Martyn has a pleasant smile on his face as he goes in to hug Dan as well.

Phil can’t help but smile at the slightly awkward look on his boyfriend’s face as he awkwardly returns the embrace. He felt accepted by Phil’s family by now, Phil knew, but it probably was a little uncomfortable to be so warmly welcomed by someone he saw maybe once or twice a month. “Good, good. How are you and Corny doing?”

Like Dan, Cornelia understood the feeling of being the significant other of a Lester boy, which made her his closest confidant during all the family visits they all took part in. Dan had once confessed to Phil how much more at ease he felt with her around, and Phil was honestly relieved that Cornelia helped settle Dan’s nerves and made him feel more welcomed.

“We’re doing well, yeah.” There’s a twitch of Martyn’s lips then, and Phil just barely sees it, but it has him furrowing his eyebrows in curiosity the moment he notices it. Before he has the chance to question him, though, Martyn is waving them over to the car, taking their suitcases and shoving them in the boot with a carelessness that makes the careful part of Phil cringe. “C’mon, now, Mum’s waiting for us to get back.”

Phil grumbles but follows the instructions, moving to sit in the back with Dan. Martyn gives him a look at this, and Phil glares. “What?” He demands.

“When was the surgery?” He asks, his voice painfully nonchalant.

Furrowing his brows, Phil shares a confused look with Dan before turning to look helplessly at his brother. “What surgery?”

“Oh, the surgery where you two got physically connected at the hip.” He’s clearly teasing, his voice light and just this side of laughter, but the effect on Dan is instant.

Slowly and carefully, he pulls his hand out from under Phil’s, tucking it under his own thigh and turning his head to gaze out the window. Quietly, he mumbles, “We aren’t connected at the hip.”

He sounds hurt, but of course Phil’s brother has no idea how Dan’s mind works. He’s got no idea the struggle Dan has had finding his own independence and feeling like his own person, especially since he and Phil started dating. Martyn doesn’t know how many nights Phil has sat up holding Dan to his chest as the younger man cried his eyes out, struggling with himself to find any meaning to his existence.

Martyn didn’t know any of this, and with a single sentence, he’d sent a wrecking ball into Dan’s carefully constructed understanding of himself and his personality.

Trying to undo the damage Martyn had unknowingly done, Phil sits up straight and locks eyes with his brother in the rearview mirror. “Dan’s his own person. Intimacy doesn’t default the settings of his personality to zero, Martyn.”

His brother looks just as surprised as Phil feels at his slight outburst, but mutters a quiet apology nonetheless. The car is filled with a sort of nervous silence then, as Phil waits for Martyn to say something or for Dan to react to what he’d said. Luckily, both work out just fine.

Just as Martyn begins telling a story about a Polish man who’d been on he and Cornelia’s flight, Dan’s hand comes to settle on Phil’s thigh. When Phil glances over at him, Dan is already looking back, a soft, fond look on his face. He squeezes Phil’s leg just once before offering him a smile and turning back to gazing out the window.

It wasn’t much, and it was probably only a small step in recovering him from what Martyn had flippantly said, but Phil hoped that it could be enough for now.

~~~

When they finally pull up outside of the house, Dan has seemingly recovered from the incident, and looks excited to be there. Phil can’t help but smile at this. He knew how much Dan enjoyed spending time with his family, and it never ceased to make him smile when he saw how Dan lit up as he interacted with Phil’s family. They get out of the car and move to get their things out of the back, Martyn leaving them to go open the door.

Dan takes a deep inhale as he stands beside Phil, suitcase in hand. “The air feels different here, you know,” he says, his voice nearly a whisper.

“It’s the sea,” Phil tells him, his standard response when Dan say something of the sort when they’re here. Because he did, he always mentioned how much he loved it there, every time.

When Phil turns around to face him, Dan is staring down at his hands. “It’s… Yeah, maybe it’s just the sea.” He sounds disbelieving, even to Phil’s ears, but before Phil has a chance to respond, the front door is swinging open again.

“Are you two ever going to come inside? It’s literally freezing out here, and I’m not just gonna stand here with the door open,” Martyn grouches.

“Yeah, yeah. We’re coming.” Phil gently presses his hand to the small of Dan’s back, gently guiding him forward. “C’mon, they’re waiting for us.”

Dan lets himself be guided into the house, much to Martyn’s relief. “Mum’s in the kitchen, I think she’s making tea.”

Phil sets his suitcase down near the front door, leaving it there while he shoves his shoes off, kicking them out of the way. Dan follows his actions in a near robotic way, but Phil knows he’s always a little weird about it when they first get there. “Well we better not keep her waiting then.”

As soon as they step into the kitchen, Phil is met with a warm, tight hug. “Philip, honey, I missed you!”

“Hey, Mum,” he says gently, tilting his head to rest his cheek against her hair. Sometimes it was honestly laughable how much taller he was than her.

“Have you been eating enough? You and-“ She pulls away suddenly, holding him by his arms as she cranes her neck, searching. Phil can’t hide his smirk as her eyes land on Dan, immediately filling with fondness. “Dan! Come here, come give an old woman a hug!”

Dan laughs, a little red patch on his cheek as he steps forward and holds his arms out for a hug. “Hi, Kath,” he says softly.

She squeezes him in the same way she had Phil before stepping back and looking up at both of them. “Oh, I’m so glad you both could come. Phil was so nervous when he asked if you could come for Christmas, and obviously I said yes, you’re one of my children too, Dan, and-“

“Mum,” Phil intervenes, clearing his throat. His face is warm, and he avoids the shit-eating grin that Dan is sending his way. “I heard something about tea?” He tries desperately to change the subject.

“Oh!” She spins around quickly, hurrying back over to the counter where the cups were waiting. “Yes, yes, of course. Go on and sit down, I’ll bring everything into the lounge.”

Phil turns to do just that, but Dan, ever the suck-up, steps towards his mother instead. “Is there anything I can help with?” he asks sweetly.

And Phil really wants to make fun of him for being a suck-up, really, he does, but no matter how hard he tries, he can only find it maddeningly endearing that Dan would go through the trouble of being so sweet to his family every time he visits.

“Oh, no, I’ve got it, dear, thank you.” Kath is just as endeared by it as Phil is, he can tell. She waves them away, though, but as soon as they’re out of the kitchen, they hear her call, “Martyn! Could you be a dear and come here for a minute?”

Phil snickers into the palm of his hand as his brother meets them in the hallway, a grimace on his face when he sees them walking out empty-handed. “Useless, the lot of you,” he mumbles. He shoves past Phil into the kitchen, and Phil pauses to listen in. “Did you need help with anything, Mum?” He asks kindly. That just sends Phil into another fit of giggles, and Dan digs an elbow into his side.

“Shush!” He laughs.

They end up in the lounge, finding Cornelia sat on the sofa, a scrapbook in her lap. She looks up when they walk in, her face flooding with pleasant surprise when she sees them. “Hey! Martyn said you’d arrived!” She gets up and holds her arms out for an embrace, which both of them indulge her in. It’s a little funny, since she’s even shorter than Phil’s mum, but it fills him with a flood of warmth anyway. “How’ve you been?” Cornelia steps away then, her gaze flicking between the two of them, settling on Dan just a fraction of a second longer than normal.

“Good, we’ve been good,” Dan surprises Phil by being the one to answer first. “Yeah, how’re you?”

Cornelia bites her lip for a second, almost hesitantly, and that feeling is back again, that feeling that there’s something Phil doesn’t know going on. He doesn’t like it at all, the way it twists his insides and makes him feel nauseous. “I’m good, really good. How was the flight?”

They settle onto the sofa with her, small-talking about the flight and what they’ve been up to lately. Phil carefully doesn’t mention work, his or Dan’s, and he notices the way Dan flinches when Cornelia says something about her own job, carefully steering the conversation into safer territory the moment he gets the chance.

A few minutes later, they’re joined by Martyn and their mum, who informs them that Nigel is just out getting some groceries for a bit. They settle into easy conversation, with Kath telling them all about her garden and a lovely couple she and Nigel met at their favorite restaurant. Martyn is sat on the armchair closest to Cornelia, and for the first time in years, Phil notices him being oddly affectionate with her. It’s not that they never shared little moments together in the company of family, but Phil had always noticed a reservation in them that he and Dan were only just adapting to in their own relationship.

Eventually, it seems to come to the attention of their mum, who makes no qualms about calling them out on it. “Martyn, what on earth are you so hyper about?” She asks, cutting herself off from a different story entirely.

Martyn’s head snaps up immediately, and only then does Phil notice his leg is bouncing wildly. Phil shares a confused glance with Dan before turning and trying to catch his brother’s eyes, to no avail.

Chewing his lip, Martyn glances over at Cornelia, his eyes pleading. “Should we wait?”

Cornelia slaps his arm playfully. “Your dad should be here, love.”

Clearly, whatever it is holds some importance if Martyn doesn’t want to tell them without their dad present. “What is it? We can act surprised when he gets here,” Phil is nearly bouncing in his seat now, excited for the surprise. Were they getting married? Getting a dog? Buying everyone a luxury cruise ship ticket for Christmas?

Okay, so the last one was probably a little farfetched, but Phil could dream.

Martyn rolls his eyes at his brother. “You’ll find out when dad does, idiot.”

Almost on cue, they hear a voice from the edge of the lounge. “Find what out?”

“Dad!” Phil grins as he stands to greet him.

Nigel has a pleased smile on his face as he pulls Phil into a hug. “How’re you doing, son?”

Phil nods after he steps away. “I’m doing well, yeah.” He glances over to the couch to find Dan hovering awkwardly, clearly unsure if he should come over for a hello or not. Phil subtly gestures him over, and Dan seems to take that as all the encouragement he needs.

“Daniel, how have you been? We’re glad you could come,” Nigel greets pleasantly, holding his hand out for a much more business-like handshake.

Phil tries not to let it bother him. He knows his dad isn’t homophobic, but he did have a hard time adjusting to the idea that one of his sons preferred the company of other men. And he’d proven time and again that he considered Dan a part of this family, but that didn’t change the fact that Phil still wished there was a little more affection there. It was silly, but in a way, he wished that his dad could be a surrogate for Dan’s own father, though he’d never say it.

“Thanks for having me, I really enjoy visiting,” Dan says politely.

Nigel smiles again before turning to the rest of them. “Now, what did I walk in on? What are we waiting to tell me?”

Martyn glances at Cornelia, widening his eyes pleadingly. She rolls her eyes fondly, but nods. Martyn grins and turns to look at his family, taking his girlfriend’s hand in his own. Phil feels like the room is holding its breath as they all wait for this announcement. His brother’s eyes flick over his face before moving to their dad’s, coming to settle on their mum as he opens his mouth to speak.

And honestly, of all the things that Phil expected them to say, what he hadn’t thought to expect was-

“We’re having a baby.”

Silence.

And then, predictably- “Oh, love, I’m so happy for you!” Their mother is already blubbering as Martyn goes over to her, crouching down and giving her a hug. “I’m going to be a grandma!”

“You are, yeah,” Martyn says gently. His eyes are wet, and Phil can feel a phantom smile on his lips. He knows he’s happy for his brother, of course he is, but something in his chest is twisting and he can’t quite make it stop.

He feels a hand clench his then, and his eyes slowly move over to stare at his boyfriend. Except Dan isn’t even looking at him. He’s not looking at anyone, actually.

He’s staring out the window, something like hopelessness on his face as he squeezes Phil’s hand. And Phil knows, he just knows what Dan’s thinking, how he’s feeling- because honestly Phil is feeling it too, just a bit.

But when his brother turns to look at him, looking a little hesitant, Phil stands and gives him a bone-crushing hug. “I’m really happy for you guys, Mart.”

“Thanks,” Martyn grins, pulling away and messing Phil’s hair up. “Means a lot from my little brother.”

Phil grumbles before turning to give Cornelia a pitiful look. “You really did pick the worst man to have a child with, Corny, I swear.”

She laughs, her eyes a little red too. He gathers her in a hug, mumbling a congratulations into her ear. When she pulls away, her eyes scan around the room before settling on Dan. Something sad is on her face now, and it makes Phil’s stomach twist. “Dan?”

The brunette slowly meets her gaze, forcing a smile that Phil hopes looks authentic to everyone else. “I’m really excited for you, Corn. That’s great news.”

She smiles broadly at this, settling Phil’s nerves just slightly. It was one thing for him to know that Dan was having an off day; he was his boyfriend, he knew him better than anyone else. But for someone else to notice it, well that usually wasn’t very good. “Thanks, love.” She goes to sit with him then, and he’s quick to wrap her into a hug. Phil can see her speaking into his ear, but he can’t make out what exactly she’s saying. He does notice, though, the way that Dan’s eyes fill with tears.

Before he can attend to that, his mum is exclaiming that they need to get ready to go out for a celebratory dinner, ushering everyone out of the lounge. She interrupts whatever moment Dan and Cornelia had been having to pull her into a hug, and Phil watches as Dan excuses himself, moving to grab his suitcase and escape to their room no doubt. As he watches him slip away silently, Phil can’t help but feel like this is the calm before the storm.

~~~

Dinner is quite an affair, if Phil is honest. Not in a bad way, necessarily, but he does find himself relieved when his parents call for the check. Dan had been quieter than usual, but it was honestly hard to tell if it was a Dan thing or because of all the attention on Martyn and Cornelia’s news. Either way, Phil knew he needed to have a word with Dan as soon as they had some privacy.

But as it turns out, that’s a harder feat than it should be, as the moment they get home, Phil’s mum demands that they look through old scrapbooks, or as Phil likes to see it, embarrass her two adult children in front of their significant others for several hours. It was something she was quite well known for at this point, and Phil honestly didn’t understand why she had to pull them out every single time they were there, but he’d indulge her anyway.

“And here’s Phil, when he was Superman. Isn’t he cute?” Kath is sat on the sofa between Cornelia and Dan, while Phil and Martyn sit in either of the armchairs in the room, silently protesting.

“Look at that hair! Babe, you should really give the ginger thing a go again, I think it’d suit you,” Dan says with a Cheshire grin.

Phil tries not to be petty, but if he accidentally sticks his tongue out at his boyfriend, then it’s surely just an accident.

“Aw, is this Martyn?” Cornelia asks, pointing to a photo.

Kath smiles proudly. “It sure is! And that’s Phil, of course. Tiny little thing, wasn’t he?”

Dan smiles, a soft look on his face. Phil is already cringing, expecting Dan to make some sort of horrible innuendo, but he’s surprised when that’s not at all what happens. “Sometimes when I see kids, especially like baby Phil, I just feel so warm and fuzzy, like I can’t wait to have kids,” he shares, still staring at the photo.

Cornelia smiles fondly, and Kath makes a cooing noise. Phil, however, is completely floored. They hadn’t really talked much about kids, and he honestly didn’t know just what to make of Dan’s comment. On the one hand, he was surprised, because he didn’t really expect that to be something Dan wanted, but on the other, the words cause a spark of warmth in his chest.

Dan must feel Phil’s gaze on him, and his eyes flick up to meet Phil’s, an embarrassed look on his face. “Not with you, obviously,” he says quickly, red creeping up his neck.

And he laughs, as does pretty much everyone else. And Phil tries to, he does, but something about the comment, quick and short as it was, is like a stone in Phil’s already sinking chest. He feels small, now, and honestly, a little humiliated. Dan and his family carry on talking and laughing as if Dan hadn’t just said that, as if Phil isn’t currently swimming in doubt and insecurity.

Phil reasons with himself that it’s likely just a joke, Dan is only kidding when he says things like that, usually. But the insecure part of himself, the part that still feels some doubt when Dan says he loves him, is wild and restless. He sits there for as long as he can, listening to his mother, Dan, and Cornelia sit and gush over the pictures. He can’t call it watching, because for most of that time, his eyes are on the ceiling, or the floor, or just on his shoes.

Eventually, when it’s clear that they aren’t going to be finished anytime soon, Phil stands, startling everyone else, even Martyn, who’s finally joined in on the fun. “I’m not feeling well, I think I’ll go to bed,” he announces, his voice a little shakier than he’d like.

Dan is immediately on his feet, looking a worried all of a sudden. “Is it a migraine? Are you dizzy?” He asks, bringing a hand up to feel his forehead, clearly checking for a temperature.

Phil shakes his head, staring into warm brown eyes and wishing more than anything they didn’t make him feel the anxiety that he currently feels. Ignoring the eyes of his family, he leans in, cupping Dan’s cheek and pressing a soft kiss to his lips. It wasn’t too often that he and Dan were overtly affectionate in front of their families, but when they were, it was always Phil’s family. It was a safe space for both of them, but when Dan pulls away just a second sooner than Phil would’ve liked, he can’t say he’s too surprised to find the look of panic in his eyes.

“I’m fine,” Phil reassures him quietly, trying to ignore the way he too feels a little awkward now. “Just…” He scrambles for an explanation before realizing he can sort of tell the truth. “Just a little nauseous.”

“Do you need some ginger ale? Or-“ Dan starts, his eyebrows furrowed.

“No, it’s fine,” Phil says, a little too quickly.

Dan frowns deeply at this. “Okay… Do you want me to come lay down with you?”

Phil shakes his head. “I’ll be fine, you should stay down here and visit. Find some good blackmail pictures from my childhood,” he says, trying to force a smile. He knows he’s failed by the way that Dan stares at him.

“Okay…” He says finally, slowly moving to sit back on the sofa. “I’ll… um, I’ll be up in a bit, then.”

“Yeah,” Phil says with a tiny smile. He gives his mum and Cornelia a hug, and punches Martyn in the shoulder in goodnight. Dan watches him, a helpless look on his face as his eyes follow Phil out of the room.

~~~

Roughly 2.5 years ago, London

“You know, I think that was one of the best plays I’ve seen on the West End since I moved to London,” Dan enthuses. They’re just now leaving the theatre, and Phil is smiling as he tucks his hands into his pockets.

“Yeah?” He asks, pleased that Dan had seemingly enjoyed it. “I’m glad you had a nice time, love.”

Dan has a grin on his face when he turns to look at Phil. “The night doesn’t have to end there, though, does it?” he asks, his eyes holding a certain kind of mischief that Phil has grown quite fond of over the last couple of months.

He smiles as he steps closer to Dan, hooking an arm around his waist. “Hmm. I guess it depends on what you’re suggesting, Howell.”

At the mention of his name, or maybe the display of affection, Dan stiffens. His eyes are already scanning around, and while it’s still not something Phil really understands, he’s adjusted to this odd behavior of Dan’s when they’re in public. “Right, um,” Dan says awkwardly as he steps just a little bit out of Phil’s grasp.

Phil tries to hide his frown, but he can’t hide the way his skin crawls with disgust at his own behavior. He knew Dan had a thing with PDA, and yet there he is, crossing that boundary like he’s got some sort of free pass to do it. It makes him cringe. “So, did you want to… Um, did you want to come hang out at my flat?” He tries to keep his voice neutral, in case Dan’s thing with PDA is more serious than just physical gestures of affection. Even after knowing each other for six months, there were still things Phil wasn’t completely privy to, and this tendency of Dan’s was one of them.

This time, at least, Dan doesn’t act awkwardly. He seems to let out a sigh of relief before nodding with a smile. “I’d love that, yeah.”

After ordering an Uber, they stand together talking quietly until it arrives, acting like the previous situation hadn’t even occurred. By the time the car shows up, Phil is properly worked up about it, squirming with nerves as he tries to figure out a way to ask Dan about it.

Dan is chattering to him absently from where he’s sat, probably something about the show they’d just seen, but eventually Phil can’t bear it anymore. “Are you in the closet?” He blurts.

Whatever Dan had been saying comes to a screeching halt as he stares at Phil, shock on his face. “What?” he asks, almost nervously laughing.

Phil is wringing his hands as he spares a halfhearted glance at their driver, who doesn’t seem to be paying any sort of attention to them. Lowering his voice, Phil expands, “I just- I get so confused when we’re together and you just- is it me? Or are you just, like, not out? Or am I just overthinking it and you just don’t like PDA- which is fine! But I, um, I don’t know, I’m just-“

“Phil,” Dan cuts him off. “Breathe, baby.” Dan waits until Phil sucks in a deep breath, his face no doubt flushed due to Dan’s use of the pet name. “What’s got you so worked up?”

Taking a moment to breathe and gather his thoughts first helps. After a moment, Phil begins speaking again, slower this time. “You don’t let me touch you in public. Or, I mean, it just seems to make you uncomfortable when I do. And I… God, I don’t want to sound like a prat,” he pauses, sending Dan an uncomfortable grimace.

Dan doesn’t seem to be mad yet, just weary. “Go ahead, you know I don’t think you’re a prat.” When Phil doesn’t react to what he clearly meant as a joke, Dan reaches over and squeezes Phil’s knee. “You can talk to me, okay? Always.”

Sparing a glance at the driver, who seems to be much more annoyed with traffic than their conversation, Phil sneaks his hand into Dan’s, squeezing it softly. “I just feel gross. When I do that, and you go all rigid like you don’t want me to touch you.” Phil’s positive he’s got cotton growing out of his teeth, the words nearly impossible to get out of his mouth. “And I want to know, if that’s what it is, so I can stop doing it, because right now I just feel really creepy and gross about it, Dan, and I- I can’t do that anymore.”

When a few moments pass in silence, Phil works up the courage to spare a glance at Dan- and immediately wishes he hadn’t. If there’s one word he could use to describe the look on his face, it would be guilt. And Phil tries to calm his racing heart, knowing better than to get himself worked up over something that may not even be a thing at all, but the look on Dan’s face makes it nearly impossible for him to even think about calming down.

“I… I’m sorry, Phil,” Dan says eventually. Phil’s heart squeezes painfully. This is it, Dan’s going to break up with him. And they’ve barely begun dating, they haven’t even made anything official yet and- “I haven’t been entirely truthful with you.”

And oh god. There it is. Dan is going to say he’s married. Or in the secret service. Or he’s a celibate priest and being with Phil would mean breaking his vows- okay, well maybe not that last one, actually. Dan is the least religious person Phil had ever met, so he can’t quite imagine how that one would work out, but still- the panic, the fear of the unknown, consumes him.

Swallowing hard, he nods. “Okay. Can you… elaborate?” He requests, voice tight.

Dan glances at the driver now, a grimace on his face when he looks back at Phil. “Can it wait until we get to your flat? I… I think I’d like some privacy, to talk to you about this.”

That does absolutely nothing to soothe Phil’s nerves, and if anything, it just makes them even worse. Still, he nods, because it’s not like he’s going to refuse that request. Dan must notice how nervous he is though, because in the darkness of the backseat he leans over and takes Phil’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers. Another glance at the driver and he brings their hands up to his mouth, pressing a kiss to Phil’s knuckles tenderly. “It’s not, like, a bad thing. Okay?” He whispers. “Don’t freak yourself out. It won’t… I hope it won’t change anything between us.”

Phil nods, the movement a little jerky and a lot nervous. “Okay.”

Dan offers him a reassuring smile before staring out the window, his thumb stroking circles on the back of Phil’s hand as they’re driven to their destination.

They arrive not too long after that, and Phil stumbles out of the car with unsteady feet. “You okay?” Dan asks, moving to walk beside him in record time. Perhaps he was a vampire, Phil considered. He could date a vampire, he thought. He quickly discards the idea when he remembers he’s seen Dan sleep, which is something practically every vampire lore says they can’t do.

“Yeah,” Phil nods. “Just clumsy,” he tries to smile, but he’s not sure it looks any different than a grimace.

Dan snickers anyway. “You’re definitely clumsy, but I think it’s well cute.”

This prompts a proper smile from Phil this time, and if Dan’s answering grin is anything to go by, he’s relieved.

Phil lets them into his apartment with shaky hands, and for once his unsteady limbs are for a different reason than they normally are when he and Dan are about to be alone together for indeterminate amounts of time.

“Tea?” he offers as soon as he’s closed the door behind Dan.

“Um… Actually, can we just sit down? I really feel like I need to tell you this, before we get too comfortable.”

For the second time tonight, Phil’s mouth runs ahead of him, regardless of his thoughts. “Are you breaking up with me?”

Dan looks surprised, and then confused. “What? No? Did you- oh god, were you going to break up with me?” Now he looks panicked, and Phil nearly laughs at how ridiculous they’re both being.

“No, of course not! I just… I don’t know, I don’t really know what to expect of this little “talk” you want us to have.”

The panic on Dan’s face eases into a small smile, and he shakes his head with fondness. “No, love, I didn’t come here to break up with you. I actually want to talk to you,” he pauses here, sitting on the sofa beside Phil with a sigh. “About my job.”

Phil stares at him, confused. “Your job,” he repeats, something about that not quite making sense to him. “Why do you want to talk to me about your job?”

Dan is clearly nervous, his hands wringing together as his leg bounces. “Well, I um, haven’t told you about it yet, have I?”

“I mean… Not really? I don’t see how that’s-“

Just as he was about to explain that he didn’t understand how Dan’s job was relevant to the topic at hand here, Dan interrupts in a rush of words. “I’m a writer.”

Phil blinks.

“What?”

Sighing, Dan runs a hand through his hair, and Phil can tell his hand is shaking. “I write. That’s, um… That’s my job.”

“Okay…” Phil says slowly, as if he’s talking to a child. “What does that have to do with the… the other thing?” He’s not entirely sure what to call it.

Dan sucks in a deep breath. “Well, I don’t suppose you’ve ever read anything I’ve written, and even if you had you probably wouldn’t know it-“

“Why wouldn’t I know it?” Phil asks.

“I have a pen name,” Dan admits quietly. “I prefer to use that on the majority of the things that I write, because it’s… er, well, it’s…”

“What?” Phil is properly intrigued now that he’s getting this new layer of Dan knowledge, and there’s Dan, a stuttering mess and barely able to speak.

“I write erotic novels,” Dan whispers.

Phil stares at him. And stares some more. And then, to Dan’s surprise, he starts laughing. “Oh my god, you write what?”

Dan’s on his feet in a flash, his mouth set in a thin line. “I shouldn’t have even told you, it was a mistake, I-“

“Hold on, wait a minute-“ Phil quickly follows after him, gently taking Dan’s arm and spinning him away from the front door. “I wasn’t laughing at you, Dan.”

“Oh, but weren’t you?” Dan says bitterly.

Phil offers him a weak smile. “I was just- I didn’t expect that, okay? It was more just me being relieved that you didn’t say you were a porn star or a secret agent or something.”

Dan gapes at him. “You thought I was a porn star?” His voice is full of disbelief, and Phil’s face flushes with color.

“I mean- no! But I- I didn’t know what to think!” He says defensively. “Here you were, telling me we needed to talk about your job, all serious, and I thought that it was going to be something like seriously strange!”

This time, Dan raises an eyebrow as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing. “I just told you I write erotica… Like as in, I write porn… And you’re telling me it isn’t strange?”

Phil can’t quite tell if Dan’s offended or not, so he decides to tread lightly. “I mean, it’s different, yeah! But, I mean, loads of people have these phases where they write fanfiction and like, smut and stuff, so- Dan?”

Dan has turned around, heading straight for the door. Phil follows close behind him, confused. “I thought I could tell you, thought that you wouldn’t judge me, but I see now that I was wrong.”

“What? I’m not- Dan, I don’t care what you do for a living, it doesn’t matter to me if you write porn.”

Dan spins around so fast it nearly makes Phil dizzy. “A phase? I do this as a career, Phil. People buy these books, and you just- just-“

“Just didn’t know what to say,” Phil says gently, slowly reaching out for Dan. When Dan doesn’t flinch away, Phil carefully slides his hand up to rest at the back of Dan’s neck, holding him close. “I’m sorry if I offended you, baby. I didn’t mean to, if I did. I just… you just caught me off guard, is all.”

After a few moments of silence, more than enough time for Phil to start feeling uneasy again about what he’d said, Dan finally speaks. “You promise you don’t think it’s too weird to date someone who writes porn?”

Phil smiles. “I promise I think it’s just weird enough. I don’t care what you do for a living, Dan, I’m just happy you finally shared it with me.”

Dan huffs out a breath, still very clearly agitated. “Okay.” He concedes. “If you say so.”

“I do,” Phil says. His voice is just a little too gentle, and he clears his throat, his eyes shifting away from Dan’s once he realizes what he’d just said.

Luckily, Dan seems to find it cute rather than weird. He laughs, rolling his eyes teasingly. “Did you want to play some video games or something?” He asks, switching the topic entirely.

Phil waggles his eyebrows playfully. “Or something?”

Despite his earlier comments, Dan’s face does fall slightly at this comment. “I actually… I was thinking that before we do… well, that,” he stutters out with red cheeks. “We could have, like, a proper fancy date.”

“Oh,” Phil says, a little surprised. “Okay. If that’s what you want. I’d love to take you out to a fancy restaurant or something. Actually-“

“Can I ask?” Dan requests softly. “I want to ask you on the date.”

Phil smiles at him before leaning in and pressing a kiss to his cheek. He was so cute sometimes. “Of course, you can, babe.”

“I want to take you to a skybar, my treat. So, Phil, would you like to go on a date with me, say, next Friday evening?”

There’s nothing to stop the grin on Phil’s face at this. “I’d love to.”

~~~

Present day

It’s late when Dan decides to bless Phil with his presence. Not ridiculously late or anything, no, but Phil has all but convinced himself that Dan wasn’t coming to bed at all by the time that he does show up. It’s probably only been an hour or so, but Phil could swear it feels like it’s been about four.

“Hey,” Dan whispers when he steps into the room.

Phil blinks at him in the dark, his eyes already well adjusted. “Hi.”

Dan shuffles to the end of the bed where their suitcases were laid, digging through his own for some pajamas. “Were you… um, had you been asleep?”

“You didn’t wake me up,” Phil says, knowing that’s what Dan is actually asking.

“Okay, good,” Dan mumbles in response. He looks a little awkward for a moment, like he’s on the verge of saying something else, but then he stops, shakes his head, and moves towards the bathroom.

Phil stays still, waiting patiently for his boyfriend to return. It may be their holiday, but he wanted to speak to Dan about what he’d said earlier, and he didn’t want to lose sleep over it. So, he waited until Dan came back in, neatly placing his discarded clothes back into his suitcase before moving to crawl onto the other side of the bed. He rolls over to face Phil, an oblivious smile on his face.

“Hi,” he breathes.

“What did you mean when you said that you didn’t want to have children with me?” Phil demands, the words tripping over each other in their haste to leave his mouth.

“What?” Dan looks surprised.

“Earlier with mum,” Phil explains. “You said that you didn’t want children with me. You said it was obvious.” He’s trying to keep his voice neutral, trying to sound as if it’s just another day, just another conversation about the weather or something, but even he can hear the tremor in his voice.

Dan stares at him. “You’re serious?” he asks.

“Um. Yeah?” Phil isn’t sure why it comes out as a question. He repeats himself. “Yes.”

“Phil…” Dan looks pained, but more than that, he looks uncomfortable. Phil can feel his fingers itching to touch him, so he tucks them under his armpits. “Isn’t it kind of… I dunno, early? To be talking about having kids?” He’s nervous, Phil can tell, though he hasn’t the faintest idea why. If it was so “obvious” that he wouldn’t want kids with Phil, shouldn’t he have a good answer as to why?

“We’ve been dating for three years now. I… I don’t really know how early you think is early here.”

There’s a tense silence then, and when Dan finally speaks, it’s not at all what Phil had been expecting to hear. “Okay.”

He waits for Dan to continue, to elaborate and maybe explain himself, but when that doesn’t happen, Phil squirms. “Okay, what?”

“I… I don’t know. Just, like, okay.” Dan sounds confused, and on the verge of being angry. Phil really doesn’t want them to go to sleep on an argument, but it’s late and Dan is stubborn.

But Phil is stubborn too. Stupidly so, if the next words out of his mouth are anything to go by. “So, you don’t even want to talk about it?” He can’t mask the accusation in his voice. It’s there and it’s so, so painfully loud.

“About what?” Dan closes his eyes, probably in an effort to try and escape this conversation. Phil almost wishes he had the sense to let him.

“About having kids!”

Dan sits up suddenly, startling Phil back an inch or so. “Why the hell do you want to talk about it so badly?” He hisses.

“I don’t know!” Phil cries. “But you’ve obviously thought about it, and I thought maybe that’s a discussion we needed to be having together.”

“I haven’t thought about it,” Dan denies, shaking his head. He looks away from Phil, towards the window, and Phil watches his jaw twitch.

“Then why did you say you didn’t want to have kids with me? And to my mum, of all people?” Phil can feel the anxiety crawling under his skin, its claws taking hold of his veins and making them turn cold. He hates fighting with Dan.

“Phil! I was just talking, okay? Jesus fucking Christ. I was literally just making a joke. Quit trying to make a big deal out of stupid shit.” Dan huffs out a breath then, raking his hand through his hair and making it stand up in some odd angles. If this wasn’t a fight, Phil would lean forward and coax it back into proper curls, and probably press a kiss to Dan’s neck.

He doesn’t touch him.

Instead, he just makes things even worse by opening his mouth once again. “So now how I feel about the topic of having kids is stupid?” His voice is dripping with sarcasm, and Dan’s head whips around to glare at him.

“I’m not doing this with you tonight.” He turns away then, laying on his side and scooting to the very edge of the bed, putting almost a foot of distance between them.

Phil’s heart twists and drops, an amusement park ride, right there in his chest. “Dan,” he breathes, his voice full of tears.

“I’m going to sleep.”

It wasn’t the first time they’d fought, obviously, but Phil had a very specific rule when it came to dating: never sleep on an argument. And that’s exactly what Dan was trying to do right now, and Phil hated himself for it. He tries to push the sickness in his throat down, swallowing hard. He wouldn’t cry, no. Despite the fact that he hated making Dan upset, hated fighting with him, Phil was still angry, and he was allowed to hold onto that, too. Dan didn’t have a monopoly on the emotion, after all.

“Fine,” he says, forcing the word out. He wishes he felt some sort of pleasure at how his voice doesn’t shake. He swings his legs off the bed, grabbing his phone and his pillow before moving around the bed towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Dan asks, his voice hesitant and small.

“I’m going downstairs so I don’t bother you. Wouldn’t want you to have to share a bed with someone you’re obviously,” he spits the word out. “Not interested in.”

“Phil…” Dan sounds chastising, and that just sells it for Phil.

In an effort to maintain some sort of his sanity here, he needed some space. He wasn’t sure where the tsunami of emotion was coming from, but he didn’t want Dan to be witness to it when he wasn’t even sure why it was happening in the first place. Maybe this would be good for them. Maybe they needed the space so that Phil could cool down. He tries to convince himself of this as he slips out of their bedroom without another word, and all the way down the stairs to where he settles himself on his parents’ sofa. He repeats the mantra in his head until the words don’t even sound real anymore.

Maybe this is what we need. Maybe this is what we need. This is what we need.

~~~

When Phil wakes up, it’s to the sound of voices filtering in from the kitchen. He blinks in confusion, completely lost as he looks around, the room blurry without his glasses. He doesn’t remember taking them off after coming downstairs last night, but he finds them on the coffee table, nearly knocking them off as he tries to pick them up. As he adjusts to his surroundings, the night before slowly comes back into his head and he recalls just exactly what he’s doing on the sofa. Bits and pieces of the argument come back to him, and he can feel himself cringing as he thinks about it.

He's in the middle of a spiral when his mum comes bustling in, humming to herself. “Oh! Morning, love, I hadn’t realized you were awake already.”

She doesn’t sound judgmental in the slightest, and Phil is beyond grateful for that. She sets out a mug of coffee for him, winking when he looks at her in surprise. “I figured you’d be awake soon, with all the noise.”

“Is Dan up?” Phil can’t help but ask, his voice still rough with sleep.

Kath surveys him for barely a second before nodding. “He is, but he’s not here.”

“What?” Phil swears he feels his heart stop. “Where did he go? Did he-“ He’s already reaching for his phone, ready to call his reckless boyfriend, when his mother’s hand falls onto his wrist.

“Relax, love. He just went for a run, he said. I told him it was far too cold for that, but he said it made him feel better if he had a run in the mornings.” She pauses then, long enough that Phil can brace for what he knows is coming. “Did you two have a row?”

There’s no reason to lie to his mother, at least not about this, so Phil just nods tiredly. “A bit, yeah.” He takes a sip of his too hot coffee, his eyes trailing to the window of their own accord, as if he’s going to see Dan strolling up the road. He’s surprised to find a dusting of snow on the ground instead. “Did he wear a jacket? A hat?” Phil asks, turning to look at his mum.

Kath grins, almost to herself, but nods. “Popped the bobble hat on his nonce myself.”

“Gloves?” Phil presses, knowing how much Dan complains when his fingers are cold.

“He is a grown man, Philip,” his mum reminds him with a quirked brow.

Phil blushes deeply at that, ducking his head. “Right, yeah, course, I just-“

“Drink your coffee, dear, Dad’s making breakfast.” She pats his knee affectionately before standing, making her way back to the kitchen.

Just before she leaves, Phil remembers something, or at least thinks he has some sort of memory, of someone taking his glasses off. He stops her just as she gets to the hall. “Mum?”

She turns to him, an expectant look on her face. “Yes, son?”

“Thanks for taking my glasses off last night, I always forget to do it myself,” he’s honestly a little embarrassed about it, and knows that it drives Dan crazy when he does it.

Instead of the pleased response he’d expected, his mum just gives him a confused frown. “Love, I didn’t take them off. I didn’t realize you’d slept here till this morning.”

Phil frowns at this, confused. “Oh… Okay, then.” He shrugs. “Maybe I did it and just don’t remember it, then.”

Kath smiles. “I’m sure Dan would be proud of you,” she teases.

Smiling, Phil looks down at his coffee as she retreats to the kitchen. He sips it languidly as his brother and Cornelia filter into the lounge, bidding him good morning and pretending they don’t see the proof that he’d slept on the sofa the night before. He appreciates that.

They’re in mid-conversation about possible baby names (Phil suggests Bartholomew as a joke and Martyn punches him in the arm) when the front door swings open, revealing a sweaty and slightly red-faced Dan. He’s panting as he wipes the back of his hand over his forehead, toeing his shoes off by the door like a good houseguest. Cornelia and Martyn are still talking, but Phil has gone silent, watching his boyfriend with rapt attention for some sort of sign that he’s still mad.

He looks okay this morning, not too broody or sad, which is a welcome change from the Dan of yesterday. Phil can’t help but run his eyes over his lean body, feeling that familiar twist in his stomach as he takes in just how hot his boyfriend looks like this. His eyes dart back to Dan’s face, and luckily, he doesn’t seem like he’s noticed, his head leant back as he sips out of his reusable water bottle.

Dan must feel eyes on him, as he slowly lowers the bottle and scans the room. He doesn’t look surprised at all to find Phil staring back at him, but his face stays blank as he turns away, headed to the stairs. Phil’s heart sinks even further, and he slouches on the sofa at the rejection.

“Where you headed, mate?” Martyn calls, his voice teasing.

Dan startles, but turns to grin at Martyn. “I was gonna go shower, but if you’d rather I stay and season the air with my natural musk, I can do that too.”

Martyn crinkles his nose but snorts out a laugh. “Go away, you stink.”

“I’m going, I’m going,” Dan chuckles. His eyes flick back to Phil’s for a half a second before he asks, “I’m not holding you guys back from today’s adventures, am I? I kinda lost track of time.” He sounds embarrassed, but Phil knows this is Dan for “I was trying to run away from my problems, and one of them is sat on the sofa with you right now so I didn’t really want to come back.” Phil tries not to feel offended by the hidden meaning he feels is there.

“Of course not, Dad’s making breakfast before we go anywhere.” Cornelia is the one who answers this time, and Martyn smiles at her before nodding in agreement.

“Great,” Dan’s eyes once again flit over to Phil, seeking some sort of reassurance, and Phil nods.

“Go ahead, I’m not leaving you behind.” He pretends, for the sake of their audience, that he’s only talking about embarking on their hike they’ve got planned today.

Dan always knows just what Phil means, so Phil isn’t surprised to see the flicker of understanding in his eyes before he turns to escape upstairs.

As soon as he’s gone, Phil feels eyes on him, and he’s unamused to see Martyn staring at him expectantly. “What, Martyn?”

“What happened? Mum said you slept downstairs last night.”

“I did,” Phil acknowledges. “And it’s none of your business why.”

Martyn frowns. “You used to tell me things, you know. Not everything was a secret.”

Phil hates hearing that, he really does. He hates that Martyn feels like he’s being shut out, but Phil doesn’t want to share his borderline psychotic behavior with anyone, especially his brother, who likely would never let it go. To soften the blow, he shrugs. “It’s not that important. We’re fine, I was just being dramatic.”

Surprisingly, Martyn seems to buy this. “I thought Dan was supposed to be the dramatic one,” he observes, turning to face his girlfriend. “Didn’t you think so?”

Cornelia hums. “He was in theatre, you know. He has it in him to be an actor.”

Phil tunes out of their conversation until eventually Martyn pulls him back in, as the topic had moved on to some of their childhood experiences. He chimes in when he can, mainly anything just to embarrass his brother, but he can tell by the shine in Cornelia’s eyes that she finds it endearing. Luckily, he doesn’t have the time to feel emotional about this before their parents are calling them into the dining room for breakfast.

“Just in time, little brother,” Martyn pipes up as he passes the staircase, and Phil glances up to see Dan descending them.

Dan grins, and Phil knows that he loves being included as if he’s a part of the family. Phil’s heart warms at the way that his family goes out of their way to make him feel welcome, and it’s almost enough to make him forget what happened the night before. But when he steps closer to Dan and drops a hand to the small of his back, the younger man subtly moves away, and Phil’s mood plummets once again.

If anyone at the table notices the tension between them, which Phil knows they probably do, they’re kind enough not to mention it. Martyn and Cornelia sit opposite Dan and Phil, while Kath and Nigel take either end of the table. Unlike most times, when Phil would slip his hand onto Dan’s thigh at the table or something, he keeps his chair an appropriate distance away, trying to convince himself that this is fine, that they’re fine. It’s just a row, not completely unlike ones they’ve had before. Sure, this one had a different sort of implication, as it involved their life plans rather than just an average disagreement, but Phil tries to ignore that.

Kath passes out food and asks lots of questions, getting the whole table engaged in a discussion about the best way to cook eggs, when Dan pipes up.

“Phil makes the best scrambled eggs I’ve ever had, literally.” He’s smiling, as if they’ve not just slept apart in Phil’s family home after a fight.

Phil smiles tightly before shrugging. “I’m a good chef,” he concedes, feeling a little awkward when he feels the weight of his mum’s eyes on him.

Dan shakes his head, gesturing with his fork. “No, no, I didn’t say that. But your scrambled eggs are god-like. Everything else is debatable.”

“What is your secret, Phil?” Martyn asks, lowering his voice conspiratorially.

Phil decides to play along. He’d missed his family, and this is the kind of banter he was supposed to enjoy while he was with them. “A dollop of cream. Can’t just add milk, gotta add the cream or you might as well just not have them at all.”

Martyn pretends to write it down, nodding seriously as Cornelia rolls her eyes fondly beside him. Kath clears her throat with an expectant smile. “And who taught you that trick?” She says sweetly.

Phil rolls his eyes good-naturedly, leaning over and patting her hand. “You did, my dear mum. Taught me all that I know.”

“I bet she didn’t-“ Dan starts before his eyes widen unexpectedly and his mouth snaps shut. There’s a patch of red on his cheek that Phil knows means he’s embarrassed, but it takes Phil a moment to process what Dan had started to say before he realizes where his thoughts were headed. Phil hides his smirk as Dan scrambles for something else to say, something to save himself.

Phil can’t sit back and watch his boyfriend struggle, especially at the confused looks of his family, so he makes a show of rolling his eyes and plucking the first thing he can think of out of his mind to use as an example. “If you say one thing about the cupboard doors, or the contact pot on the tap, I swear-“

Luckily, everyone bursts into laughter at this, and Phil doesn’t miss the small, grateful smile that Dan sends him. Everyone at the table is poking fun at Phil’s annoying habits, but he can’t even be particularly mad about it now. He’s just pleased that Dan’s icy attitude towards him is melting a bit.

“Just be thankful that he’s starting to remember to take his glasses off before bed,” Kath says, rolling her eyes fondly. “I can’t tell you the number of frames we went through when he was a child, he’d fall asleep reading and ruin them all the time!”

Dan laughs knowingly before raising an eyebrow. “When did he learn to take them off? Did I miss something?”

Phil shakes his head, laughing quietly. “No, but I think I may have pulled them off last night and just don’t remember it, but they were on the coffee table this morning.”

There’s a bit of an awkward silence as everyone realizes what Phil has just admitted to, and he feels his stomach sink with something that feels like shame.

It’s a relief when Dan snorts in disbelief. “You didn’t do that, you spoon. I came downstairs and pulled them off after you’d already fallen asleep.” He turns to face the rest of Phil’s family, jabbing his thumb in Phil’s direction with a mutter of “this guy,” that makes them all laugh.

Phil, however, is too caught up in what Dan has just said to find the amusement in his domestic banter. While everyone at the table moves on to something else, he leans closer to Dan, dropping his voice to a murmur. “You came downstairs?”

Dan looks uncomfortable, but nods. “Yeah, I came to check on you. I- You were already asleep when I got down here, so I figured I’d just let you sleep.”

There’s something unspoken there, but Phil knows they can’t get into it at the breakfast table with his family. Instead, he hums. “Thank you, then.” He says softly.

Something shifts on Dan’s face then, and he’s closed off once more, his gaze sliding away from Phil. “Yeah,” he mumbles.

Phil’s face falls at the clear indicator that while Dan may not be as upset anymore, he’s definitely not completely over it. Phil figures he can’t exactly fault him for that, but some part of him is desperate to hold on to his own anger, considering he felt like he was the one who was hurt by the events of the night before. But he knows it isn’t that simple, it’s never that simple for Dan. So instead, he swallows down his anger and turns back to his breakfast in silence.

~~~

Roughly 2.5 years ago, Phil’s flat

“That was the best fancy dinner I’ve ever had.” Phil is laid on the sofa, Dan nestled between his legs, as he makes the announcement.

Dan laughs, somewhat shyly. “You’ve mentioned that a time or two.” There’s a smile on his lips, his dimples just barely there at the corners.

“I want you to know how much I appreciate the fancy date my boyfriend took me on,” Phil says, his voice teasing as he presses a kiss to Dan’s temple.

“Sounds like a snob,” Dan replies dryly.

Phil hums in consideration. “Not really. He’s kind, and generous, and well fit.”

Dan doesn’t say anything for a moment. When he does, he sniffles. “Shut up,” he mumbles.

Giggling, Phil hugs him to his chest. “C’mon, you have to let me be nice to you sometimes, Dan.”

“You can be nice,” Dan protests. “Just don’t be, like, all sappy.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “I’ll be quite as sappy as I like, thanks,” he sasses.

Dan wiggles in his grasp until he’s laid facing Phil, at a bit of an awkward angle in Phil’s opinion. “Do you remember what we talked about last time?” He sounds nervous.

Phil has an idea of where this is going, but he doesn’t want to make any presumptions about it until he knows for sure what Dan is referring to. “We talked about plenty of stuff, dork. Is this about your writing?” He doesn’t actually think it is, but that’s the only other big thing he can think of that Dan might be referring to.

“Erm- no, actually,” Dan stutters out, his cheeks going red as he realizes he’s going to have to spell it out. “I meant, um, like… Like we talked about having sex. Remember?”

A laugh falls from Phil’s lips then, without his permission. “I do remember, yeah. How would I forget that?”

Dan rolls his pretty eyes. “I dunno, Phil, but I thought you did.”

Tilting his head just a bit, Phil pecks Dan’s lips gently. “I remember. What about it?”

“Well…” Dan bites his lip, fluttering his eyelashes at Phil. Phil honestly doesn’t even think Dan realizes what that does to him, and for some reason that makes it even more tempting. “I said I wanted to have a fancy date, before…”

“Oh, yes. And that was, as we established, a fancy date, right?” Phil teases.

Dan narrows his eyes. “I know you aren’t actually making fun of me right now,” he says, his tone mildly accusatory.

Phil tries not to laugh, holding a hand up defensively, the other settled on Dan’s back. “I would never.”

“Mhm, sure.”

“I wouldn’t!”

Dan shakes his head with a roll of his eyes. “Did you actually want to talk about…” He trails off, blinking up at Phil with an expectant look.

Phil smiles. “I’m ready for that, if you are.”

Nodding, Dan chews on his bottom lip. When Phil swipes his thumb across the chapped skin, Dan makes a noise before his tongue darts out to lick Phil’s thumb. “Can we… Go to your bedroom?”

Phil would be lying if he said that didn’t give him a thrill to hear those words fall from Dan’s lips. “Absolutely.”

He gently pushes Dan off him, following him off the sofa and guiding him down the hall with a hand on his back. As soon as they’re in Phil’s bedroom with the door shut, Dan is turning around and pressing his lips to Phil’s with fervor. Phil returns his enthusiasm, but when Dan opens his mouth to the kiss, Phil pulls away. “What’s wrong?” Dan asks, already breathless.

“I wanted to- hold on.” Phil steps over to his nightstand, rummaging through it until he finds a box of matches. He grabs the candle on his dresser and lights it, smiling when he hears Dan make a soft, surprised noise. As soon as he’s lit the few candles he’s got in his room, Phil steps back, flicking the light off and turning to smile at Dan. “I… I kinda figured you might like this. You’re kinda the romantic type, so, I figured...”

Dan stares at the flickering candles with a look of awe on his face for a moment, eventually turning to smile at Phil. “It’s perfect,” he says, his voice strangled and eyes glassy. He wipes his eyes with his wrist, clearly trying to get rid of the tears there.

“Love, don’t-“ Phil steps closer, winding his arms around Dan’s waist. “Please don’t cry.”

“I- I’m sorry,” Dan hiccups. “I don’t know why I’m so sappy, honestly. But that’s- this is really fucking sweet, Phil.” He smiles up at him, leaning in to kiss Phil’s lips softly.

Phil brushes Dan’s hair over his ear, running his thumb over the shell of Dan’s ear gently. “I want you to feel special when you’re with me.” The words are out in the open before he can even make the conscious choice to say them, but he bites his tongue to hold back any other declarations that are already there at the tip of his tongue.

Dan surprises him by ducking his head, snuggling against Phil’s chest and kissing at the collar of his shirt. “I- Phil,” his voice is choked, his fingers gripping tightly at the sides of Phil’s shirts.

“Sorry. Too much?” Phil’s flushed and a little embarrassed now, but luckily Dan can’t see him with his head ducked down like that.

“No,” Dan whispers softly. “I… I dunno, I just… I’ve never felt like this with another person.”

And that pretty much does it for Phil. His chest is physically aching, and if his teeth dig down any harder on his tongue he’s certain he’ll bite it completely off. “I think I’m in love with you, Dan.” The words are rushed and whispered. He holds his breath, waiting for Dan’s response.

It takes a moment, but when Dan speaks, Phil’s shoulders sag in relief. “Say it again,” he begs.

“I’m in love with you.” Phil’s voice grows stronger with the words this time, as does his grip on Dan. He peppers kisses to his hair, muttering the words again and again. “I love you.”

“I-“ Dan stops, hiccupping again. “I think I’m in love with you, too, you know.”

Phil can’t help but laugh breathily. “Well that’s a relief. Be a bit awkward if it was just me.”

“Shut up, nerd,” Dan laughs wetly. He not-so-subtly tilts his face to wipe his tears off on Phil’s t-shirt, earning himself a soft protest in response. “Get over it, Lester. You love me, what’re you gonna do about it?” He grins up at Phil, then, and Phil’s heart floods with warmth.

“This,” he mumbles before bringing their lips together again.

They lose track of time as their lips move together, Phil walking them backwards until he can lay on his bed and pull Dan to lay down on top of him. Dan goes willingly, running his hands over Phil’s chest, up to his shoulders, and down his arms in gentle, exploring sweeps. He shuffles down a bit to kiss and nibble at Phil’s neck, so Phil threads his fingers through the curls, massaging at Dan’s scalp gently. Apparently, this has some kind of effect on Dan, as he keens against Phil’s throat.

“Please,” He whispers.

“What do you want?” Phil asks him, his voice lilting up on a gasp as Dan starts dragging his hips against Phil’s. “Ah, fuck,” he sighs out.

“Will you- I want you to-“ Dan stumbles over his words as he moves in sharper jerks, providing himself with a pleasure that he’s sharing with Phil. “Fuck me. Please?”

Phil groans, a lot louder than he’d intended. He’s suddenly grateful that he lives alone, because it was the sort of sound that would embarrass him if anyone else heard it. “Yeah, fuck, of course. Let me-“ He gently pushes Dan off so that he can search through his nightstand for some lube and a condom.

He’s back on the bed as soon as he’s collected what they need, tugging his shirt up and over his head, tossing it to the floor carelessly. Dan watches with a smirk, propped up on his elbows. “I’m enjoying the show,” he teases.

Phil rolls his eyes and tugs at Dan’s shirt. “C’mon, rat, this is in my way.”

“Are you always bossy in bed?” Dan asks with a glint in his eyes.

“Are you always this talkative?”

Dan’s lip twitches down, just barely. “Yes.”

Phil smiles, leaning in to kiss him. “Then let me be bossy.”

That coaxes a laugh out of Dan, who actually pulls his shirt off himself now. “Okay, sure,” he mumbles.

His skin is so soft, Phil notes as he runs a hand down Dan’s chest. “So gorgeous,” he mumbles, pressing kisses to Dan’s throat.

“Hey,” Dan whispers before Phil can move down the bed. As soon as their eyes meet, Dan brings a hand up to gently caress Phil’s jaw. “I love you.”

Phil grins, turning his head to press a kiss to Phil’s palm. “I love you, too, babe.”

Dan’s skin is a lovely pink color as Phil kisses a trail down his chest, licking over his nipples thoroughly as he goes, knowing that Dan likes that. Dan’s already making those soft, sweet noises when Phil reaches the waistband of his jeans, and Phil takes his time kissing and licking just below his navel.

“Phil,” Dan snaps. “Don’t be a tease.”

“I would never,” Phil taunts, winking up at Dan.

The brunette drops his head to the pillow with an exaggerated sigh. “C’mon, we should be naked-er.”

Phil outright laughs at that, burrowing his face into Dan’s stomach to stifle the sound. “Oh my god,” he cackles. “I love you.”

“You know what I love?” Dan says, his voice already verging on a laugh.

“Please, don’t,” Phil warns, already assuming the worst.

“I really love being fucked by my hot boyfriend,” he giggles. “You know, the boyfriend that I love?”

Phil grins, hiding it against Dan’s skin. He unbuttons Dan’s jeans as they laugh, tugging them down the best he can while laying across him like this. “Lift your ass,” he instructs, sitting up and tugging the fabric down, along with the black pants Dan’s wearing beneath it.

“Your turn,” Dan mumbles as soon as he’s rid of his clothes. He watches Phil with keen interest as he rolls his eyes, standing up to shuck his jeans off.

“Creep, much?” Phil teases him.

Dan shrugs. “You’re hot and it’s been like two weeks since I’ve seen that cock. I missed it.”

Phil flushes. “Dan!” He squeaks.

The man has absolutely no shame, shrugging carelessly as he takes the bottle of lube in his hand, snapping the lid open. “Am I doing this, or are you?” He asks casually.

Phil swallows hard. The imagery of Dan doing it to himself is incredibly tempting, yes, but… “Can I?” He asks, a little shy.

Dan smiles. “Yeah. C’mere.”

He holds a hand out for Phil’s, pouring a generous amount of lube over the older man’s fingers. “Go a little slow, it’s been a bit since I’ve done this.” He flushes as if he’d embarrassed, but something about it makes Phil’s stomach twist.

“You haven’t… Not since we started dating, right?”

Dan’s head snaps up and he furrows his eyebrows up at Phil. “Of course not. I… Even before then, it’d been a while. I just meant, like…” His face is even redder now, but Phil just stares at him, puzzled. “I meant like it’s been a while since I… you know… myself.”

“Oh,” Phil says, dumbly. He’s about to ask for an elaboration, but then it hits him. “Oh,” he repeats. And now his face is red, too. “Er- right.”

Dan seems to find solace in Phil’s embarrassment, smirking at him. “Hope that’s not a deal breaker,” he jokes.

Phil shakes his head quickly, almost trying to shake away the imagery to focus on the task at hand- or the lube on his hand, rather. “Not a problem, nope.” He drops his hand to Dan’s entrance, then, rubbing the pad of his finger there, teasing.

“Oh, fuck,” Dan whispers. “Go ahead. Please.”

Phil smiles at him. He liked this Dan, the one that was laid out beneath him, pliant and trusting. It felt intimate. It felt like love. “I love you,” Phil reminds him as he presses a finger in, gently going in to the knuckle.

Dan bites down on his lip, hard. “Love you too.”

There aren’t very many words exchanged for a while after that. Dan’s breaths are shaky as Phil stretches him open, but eventually he’s got three fingers in, and Dan is whimpering for more. “Are you sure?” Phil asks one last time, just in case Dan’s changed his mind.

“Yes,” Dan breathes.

Phil nods, rolling a condom on and using what’s left on his hand to lube himself up. “Do you want to do it like this? Or is there another position you like better?”

Dan seems to consider this, shifting his hips as if he’s taking stock of himself. “Er, for our first time I want to- I like to be face-to-face.” He glances away as he says it, mumbling a soft, “Please,” afterwards.

“Of course. Whatever you want.” Phil moves a little, enough that he can prop Dan’s legs up. “Do you need anything?” Phil asks before he presses in, noticing the slight discomfort on Dan’s face.

“Um, pillow?” He says tentatively.

Phil nods, reaching up and grabbing one. “Under your back?” He asks, already helping Dan lift his hips. The man nods, so Phil tucks it underneath him. “Better?” He asks.

Dan sighs in relief as he relaxes back. “Mhm, yes. Thank you.”

Phil leans down to press another kiss to his lips. “Sure,” he hums. “Ready?”

“Mhm.”

Gently, Phil drags Dan’s thighs up to bracket his waist, taking hold of himself and pressing against Dan’s fluttering hole. It feels so quiet, so still, as he presses inside. Dan’s eyelids have fluttered close, and he looks so serene like this, so relaxed. Something about it, coupled with everything he knows about Dan, makes Phil feel a little emotional. He leans down as he works towards bottoming out, nuzzling against Dan’s neck.

“You’re so perfect, Dan.”

Dan lets out a contented sigh. “I feel perfect when I’m with you.”

And damn it if that doesn’t make Phil’s eyes fill with tears. He’s suddenly thankful that Dan’s eyes are closed, knowing it would just be far more overwhelming if those chocolate eyes were on him.

It’s a relief when he bottoms out, but he feels immediately strained as he waits for Dan to give him permission to move. Luckily, he doesn’t have to wait long before Dan is tightening his legs around Phil, urging him to go. “Fuck, fuck,” Dan gasps. “Little, uh,” Dan bites his lip.

“What do you need?” Phil breathes.

Dan opens his eyes then, a flustered glaze to them. “Um… little bit… like, higher.”

Phil shifts back, holding himself up to try and aim for the right spot for Dan. It takes a few thrusts, but he knows he’s found it when Dan’s body jolts, and a loud groan falls from his lips. “Good?” Phil asks, almost smug. Almost.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s-“ He breaks off with a little gasp. “It’s good.”

The air is full of Phil’s heavy breaths and Dan’s little gasps and whines, every now and then punctuated with the sound of a swear falling from Dan’s lips. Phil can already feel his orgasm building up to that lovely boiling point, and he reaches for Dan’s cock to stroke him through it.

“I- I’m close,” Dan mumbles.

“Me too,” Phil breathes.

Dan whines loudly at that. The sound, coupled with Dan squeezing, intently, Phil figures, is what does him in. With a short gasp, Phil’s hips stutter in their pace, his release flooding his veins like fire. He feels it down to his toes as he buries his face into Dan’s neck again, licking and kissing the damp skin as he comes.

There’s a whimper beneath him, followed by Dan warning, “Phil, I’m-“

He releases over himself and Phil’s hand pumps him through it until Dan is making a soft noise of protest and weakly pushing at Phil’s shoulders.

Boneless, Phil pulls out of Dan slowly before falling to the bed beside him. His limbs are still entwined with Dan’s, but neither of them seem to mind as they take a moment to catch their breath. Eventually, Phil feels a hand running through his hair and glances up at his boyfriend. “Was it okay?” he asks softly, a little nervous for the answer.

Dan stares at him for a second before erupting into giggles. Before Phil can reply, Dan rolls over and cradles Phil’s face, pressing kisses all over his cheek and lips. “It was so good, babe. Promise. Definitely worth the wait.”

Phil grins, closing his eyes. “Good.”

“Phil?” Dan whispers.

“Yeah, baby?”

“I love you. Like, proper. I really do.”

Phil tilts his head and blindly finds Dan’s lips, kissing them softly. “I proper love you too.”

Definitely worth the wait, Phil thinks as he drifts to sleep. He can feel the bed shifting as Dan moves, likely to clean himself up, but that only prompts a drowsy smile. Definitely, absolutely worth the wait.

~~~

Present day

They go on a hike with the rest of the Lester family later, and to say that Phil is pouting would be a grand understatement. He’s trying not to be too childish, but he finds himself dragging behind the others, watching in defeat as Dan chats with his family amicably. Phil’s not sure what part of that annoys him more, the fact that Dan is speaking to his family but not him, or just the idea that Dan not speaking to him holds this power over him.

Eventually, Dan drifts away from the group, off to stand closer to the edge of the cliff, looking out over the water. Phil’s stomach swirls with anxiety at this, beyond worried that Dan might do something stupid like jump, but before he can force himself forward, he feels a hand on his arm.

“Lovely day, huh?” His mum asks, smiling gently at him.

He hums noncommittally. “I guess.”

They stand there, quiet for a moment, just watching the others. Phil’s dad is standing near Dan now, and Phil watches as his boyfriend glances over, smiling before saying something. Phil can’t hear him from here, obviously, but Nigel laughs and moves closer, pointing at something on the water. Phil’s heart fills with something warm and hopeful at the scene.

“I hate to pry, love,” his mum starts from beside him. “But do you want to talk about whatever you and Dan are fighting about?”

At first, Phil can only shrug. He’s staring at his shoes, but he can feel Kath’s gaze on him, prying in that subtle, caring way that she has. “Dan doesn’t want to have children with me,” he eventually admits.

“My god,” Kath exclaims. Phil’s gaze darts to her immediately, his eyebrows raised. “A bit early to be thinking about that, love, innit it?”

At a loss now, Phil just stares at her a little blankly. “I, um… I don’t- I don’t know. Is it?” His voice shakes with embarrassment.

Kath laughs but loops one of her arms through his, tutting. “Martyn and Cornelia have been together about seven years now, Phil. That’s a long time, you know.”

“Yeah, but-“

“They didn’t make that choice overnight.”

“Well, yes, I know that, but mum-“

She sighs. “Did Dan explicitly say that he didn’t want to have children with you?”

Phil balks at her. He’s amazed that she’s already forgotten the events of last night. Maybe her memory was getting bad, he frets. “He… yeah, yesterday. You heard him!” The words trip over his tongue, and he clears his throat when she gives him a blank look. “Last night. He said he obviously didn’t want to have children with me.”

Her expression doesn’t change for a few moments, but eventually she laughs, shaking her head. “Oh, dear.” She pats his arm as if she’s comforting a small child. “I don’t think he was trying to make a grand statement or anything, love. I really think he was kidding.”

“But…” Phil stutters. “I… I mean, maybe, but-“

Again, she cuts him off. “Have you talked to him about it?”

“I tried! I asked him last night why he didn’t want to have kids with me, and he-“

His mum apparently has no issue interrupting people these days, as she does it yet again. “Philip! You honestly asked the poor lad why he didn’t want to have kids with you?”

“Um… yeah? Why, what about it?” He can’t keep the defensive tone out of his voice.

“It’s a wonder the man isn’t running for the hills, then.”

Phil can’t help but bristle at that. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He snaps.

Kath smiles gently, rubbing his arm soothingly. He feels guilty for snapping at her immediately, but she speaks before he can apologize. “A question like that shoudn’t be something that you spring on someone after a joke. That’s a tough decision, and one he can’t make at the drop of a hat.”

“Well…” Phil considers this, and eventually just nods, defeated. “Okay, you’re right.”

She presses a kiss to his cheek. “I know. Mums are always right.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” he rolls his eyes, feigning pain when she gently slaps his arm in reprimand.

He glances up when he remembers that Dan was hovering near the edge of the cliff, but he’s relieved to see that he’s only stood there, holding his phone up to take some photos. Nigel has let him be, and he’s heading towards Kath and Phil now, a smile on his face as he looks at his wife. There’s a calm feeling settling in Phil’s chest at the sight of his dad, reminding him of how much he loves his family, especially the bond his parents had. He’d always wanted that, ever since he was old enough to want a relationship.

“How did you know?” Phil murmurs to his mum, his dad still too far away to make out his words. “That you wanted to spend the rest of your life with dad? Was it like love at first sight or something?”

“Oh, heavens no,” Kath laughs, as if it’s absurd to even assume that. “I didn’t “just know,” or any of that nonsense. No, dear.” She’s gazing lovingly at Nigel now, and something about it seems a little too personal, and Phil can’t help but glance away. “I had to choose him. I have to keep choosing him, every day. It’s not as simple as just wanting something. It’s hard work.”

Phil takes a second to digest this information, but before he can even begin to process a response, his dad is joining them, sending Kath a suspicious look. “What’re you spoiling our son with now?”

Kath sticks out her tongue playfully. “Nothing you need to worry yourself with, old man,” She teases, winking at Phil in the process.

Nigel clicks his tongue at her, shaking a finger at her. “Now don’t go filling his head with more nonsense, lovey, you’ve already got him believing in ghosts and things.”

Phil laughs at that, while Kath tuts indignantly. They’re playfully arguing, but Phil is already tuning out, his gaze locked on Dan, who’s just standing at the edge of the cliff now, his hands tucked in his pockets and his shoulders set in a stiff sort of position.

Quietly, and with a small smile to his mum, Phil makes his way over to Dan, clearing his throat just a little when he gets close, so he doesn’t frighten him. Even then, Dan jumps a little when Phil slips his arms around his waist. “I’m sorry,” Phil murmurs against the shell of his ear.

“For what?” Dan asks stubbornly. Phil half expects to be pushed away, but Dan actually relaxes against him, a good sign on a day like today.

Phil sighs. “For being a prat. For cornering you about something neither of us are ready to talk about.” He could go on, but he knows Dan hates it when he rambles during an apology. He says it makes it feel less genuine, as if Phil’s just covering all the bases rather than apologizing for whatever the source of the problem is.

“I’m sorry too,” Dan eventually mumbles.

“For what?” Phil laughs without humor. “You didn’t do anything.” It’s not entirely true, but Phil knows that Dan, at least, had more of a reason for acting the way he’d been acting. Phil just did it out of anger and spite.

“I hurt you. I hate hurting you, but that’s all I ever do. I’m sorry, I-“ Dan’s voice has gone all wobbly, and Phil knows he has only a few seconds to remedy this before it becomes a full breakdown.

“No, you don’t. You make my life better. Every part of my life is better with you in it, Dan.” He presses kisses to the back of his head, nuzzling into the curls a bit as he squeezes Dan just a bit tighter around the waist. “We both have bad days, yeah? This was just one of those. Tomorrow is different.”

“I hate hurting you,” Dan repeats on a sniffle.

Phil sighs. “Well… I know you didn’t mean to, bear. It was a misunderstanding. We’re allowed that, you know.”

“Yeah. Do you… are you cross with me?” He asks, his voice soft.

Now this part, at least, is easy. “No, I’m not, baby.”

Dan sniffles again, nodding before turning in Phil’s arms and wrapping his own around Phil’s neck. “Okay. Can we have makeup sex tonight?”

And just like that, the tension is shattered, and Phil is wide-eyed and speechless. “Dan!” He hisses, glancing around to make sure his parents haven’t heard. Not that they’d never done anything of a sexual nature in his parents’ house, but, well, he’d rather they not know about it.

“What?” Dan feigns innocence. “Something about the isle always makes me horny, you know that.”

“Shut up. Literally shut your mouth right now, I don’t want my parents to hear this filth.” Phil is shaking his head, but he doesn’t move away.

“Mm, I’m pretty sure I heard your parents banging the last time we were here, they’ll live, I promise.”

“Dan!”

~~~

They do, actually, have makeup sex that night.

They’re quiet, as Phil is anxious about his parents finding out, but he opens Dan up with slick fingers, the younger making soft noises in the back of his throat that Phil catches with his own lips. “Condom?” Phil asks, just to be sure. Sometimes, especially when they were somewhere away from home, Dan preferred they use a condom so that there was less of a mess to clean up afterwards. He was assuming tonight would follow that same routine, so he’s a little surprised when Dan answers.

“No, not tonight. Wanna feel you.”

“Yeah, okay. Let me- towel, yeah?” Phil is clumsy with his words and movements as he climbs off the bed, heading to grab a towel from the ensuite bathroom to put under them. He’s so deliriously horny that he can hardly think straight, especially when he walks back in and sees Dan with his hand between his legs, fucking himself on his fingers as he lets out little gasps. “Fuck,” Phil breathes, a word he hardly ever uses.

Dan opens his eyes and instead of the smirk Phil is expecting, he smiles and pulls his hand away, propping himself up on his elbow to get a good look at Phil. “C’mere,” he murmurs, gesturing with his hand.

Phil is quick to comply, scrambling onto the bed and capturing Dan’s lips in a deep kiss. Dan hums, pressing closer, practically crawling onto Phil as he breathes him in. When they pull away for a moment to breathe, Phil skims his lips down Dan’s neck, nipping gently at his collarbones. “Such pretty collarbones, baby.”

“I love you,” Dan replies.

Phil smiles against his skin. “I love you,” he breathes in response. “So much.”

They get caught up in pressing their lips together, teeth and tongue and an exchange of fluids that would probably embarrass Phil a bit if he wasn’t so settled into their relationship. Eventually, though, that’s not quite cutting it for Dan anymore. “Phil,” he breathes. “Fuck me.”

“Lay back.”

Dan is all flushed skin and dark eyes, spread out on the bed and gazing up at Phil with heavy lidded eyes. “Are you just gonna stare at me?” He asks, mockingly.

Phil quirks a smile at that. “Maybe I am,” he teases.

That gets him a smile. “Please, baby. I missed you.”

And damn it if Phil isn’t a sucker for that pet name. He can only comply, leaning in and pressing his lips to Dan’s and shifting his hips to line himself up. He knows Dan can take it, but he still presses in slowly. Dan moans quietly, reflexively lifting his hips to meet Phil’s. “Ah, ah. Be patient,” Phil pants. He’s barely controlling himself, even after all this time. He really just couldn’t help it. Dan always felt so hot and tight around him, and something about that look, those eyes-

“Phil,” He whines. “Fucking move, man.”

“Sorry.” Phil kisses his chin in apology. He bottoms out, studying every twitch of Dan’s face to make sure he isn’t hurting him in any way. “Need a pillow, love?”

“Er- yeah, please.”

Phil holds himself up and grabs one of the pillows, sliding out of Dan long enough to press the pillow under his lower back. He’s quick to sink back in, and Dan sighs in what sounds like relief. “Better?”

“Mhm. Much. Thanks.”

Phil lets out a laugh as he begins moving his hips. “No problem, mate.”

Dan makes a displeased sound. “I hate when you call me that during sex.”

It’s sort of a joke, really, but Phil picks up on the slight waver of Dan’s voice, barely masked with his sarcasm. “Sorry.” He kisses Dan’s lips, swiping his tongue over the bottom lip, a pleasant twist of his stomach when Dan’s tongue chases after his.

“Bit faster,” Dan instructs.

“Bossy,” Phil retorts, even as he listens and does speed up his movements.

“Shut up, I’m trying to have an orgasm here.”

“And who’s in control of that?” Phil teases.

Dan quirks an eyebrow at that. “I thought you didn’t want to try that.”

Phil can’t help but flush. “Shut up,” he mumbles when Dan snickers. “That’s not what I meant.”

Dan shrugs. “I mean, if you wanted to try the dom/sub thing, we- oh, fuck.”

Smirking, Phil drives in harder, against that spot that he knows works Dan to the edge just right. Dan is a bit of a mess after Phil’s found his prostate, all slurred words and gasps. “Shh, Dan, remember where we are.”

“Fuck,” Dan whimpers. “Do you think they can hear us?”

“God, I hope not. I couldn’t look my mum in the eyes ever again if she heard me having sex.” Phil almost shudders at the very idea.

Dan laughs weakly. “Don’t make me laugh,” he warns, sounding almost pained.

Phil goes quiet, working his hips as his hand comes up to wrap around Dan’s cock. He’s tugging in quick, tight strokes, just like Dan likes it, and he can already feel himself getting closer. “Close?” He whispers to his boyfriend.

“Mhm. Just… uh…” Dan shifts his hips up to meet Phil’s, tossing his head as if he’s almost there, but just can’t quite reach it.

Phil has a solution for that.

Leaning in close to Dan’s ear, he begins muttering hoarsely. “You like that we’re fucking in earshot of other people, huh? You like that someone else could hear, someone else might know what we’re up to in here?”

Dan groans, a lot louder than he had the entire night. Phil panics, bringing a hand up to cover Dan’s mouth. Dan stares up at him helplessly, his eyes pleading. “Please,” his voice is barely muffled by Phil’s palm, but Phil hears him crystal clear.

“They probably heard that, you know,” Phil continues, feeling a similar sense of urgency racing through his veins at the very thought. While one part of him was completely mortified at the idea of his parents hearing him having sex, the other part, the part that had dabbled in this sort of voyeuristic game of theirs, was thrilled.

“Uh, uh, uh,” Dan pants.

“They probably know exactly what’s going on here. Someone can probably hear your noises, and they’re probably wondering what it is that gets you going. But they won’t know, will they? Only me, right?”

“Only you,” Dan whispers.

“Right. Only me, and only you. This is ours.” He’s rambling at this point, but Dan doesn’t seem to care.

“Fuck, Phil, I-“

He comes all over himself, whining as Phil strokes him through it. As soon as Dan weakly pushes his hand away from the overstimulation, Phil feels himself fall over that edge himself, spilling directly into Dan, pressing a wet, open-mouthed kiss to Dan’s clavicle. He feels exhausted after, down to his bones, as he settles on top of Dan. He knows that Dan hates that feeling of his release being smeared all over the two of them, but right now he doesn’t care.

“Was that okay?” Phil asks when he’s caught his breath.

Dan kisses his forehead. He’s unusually quiet, not even complaining about the mess, so Phil tilts his head back to look at him. He’s staring at Phil already, a thoughtful look on his face. Apparently, with Phil staring back, he realizes he’s been asked a question. “Hm?”

“Was it okay?” Phil repeats, a little self-conscious now.

Smiling, Dan nods. “It’s always perfect, Phil. Promise.”

“Okay,” Phil nods, accepting that answer for now. “Are you alright?”

Dan quirks an eyebrow. “It hasn’t been that long since we fucked, you know.” He rolls his eyes, but doesn’t bring the contact back, so Phil has a suspicion that Dan understood the question he was asking perfectly.

“That’s not what I meant,” he says gently.

“I know,” Dan says stubbornly. Phil waits quietly. He knows it isn’t his turn to speak. “I’m just… I don’t know.” He stops then, staring up at the ceiling helplessly.

Phil waits a few beats, but when Dan doesn’t start talking again, he gently pulls himself away. “How about I get us cleaned up and we talk about it?”

Dan glances up at him, nodding. Phil hurries to retrieve a flannel, running it under warm water before returning to clean up their mess. Dan hasn’t moved, but when he sees Phil, he reaches out for the flannel, frowning when Phil shakes his head. “I’ll clean you up.” He pauses, glancing at Dan again. “If you want.”

Sometimes he didn’t, sometimes the intimacy of it was too much. Tonight was evidently not one of those nights, as he only nods. “Go ahead,” he murmurs, pulling his legs up to give Phil better access.

“Do you want me to…”

“Eat me out?” Dan grins, ever the crude one.

Phil rolls his eyes but nods. “Do you?”

“Not tonight. Tired. Wanna talk before I fall asleep.”

“Are you implying that you’d be able to fall asleep with my tongue up your ass?” Phil asks with a quirked eyebrow as he cleans Dan up with the flannel.

Dan snorts at that. “No, but I don’t think I can get it up again quite so quick, so maybe not tonight.”

Phil grins at him. “Now who’s the old man?”

“Hush.”

When Phil is finished, and Dan is clean, he tosses the flannel towards the bathroom carelessly and climbs into the bed beside him. “Disgustang,” Dan mutters, all the while attaching himself to Phil’s side like a koala.

“You love me,” Phil argues, kissing Dan’s cheek.

“I do,” Dan agrees easily, snuggling into Phil’s neck. “Can we talk about the fight we had?”

“Yeah,” Phil murmurs.

Dan is quiet for a moment before he says, “I do want to have kids with you, you know.”

“You do?” Phil asks, because no, he didn’t know that. Or, he wasn’t always sure, at least.

“Yeah, of course. I want to have a house, and some kids, and maybe even a dog with you.” Dan’s voice is so soft, so sure, and Phil can feel his heart aching for that future.

“I do too,” Phil says, his voice weak. He swallows hard. There was one other thing he felt that tied into their future that was still a little blurry, a little uncertain, and if they were doing this tonight, he wanted to clear it up now. “I want to marry you, Dan.”

“I know,” Dan whispers.

When he doesn’t elaborate, Phil blinks back tears. “How do you feel about that?”

Dan’s quiet for a long time. “I want a ring, first of all, Lester. I know you’re not going to sit here and propose to me without one.”

Phil jerks away as if he’d been electrocuted. That was absolutely not the reaction he was expecting, and by Dan’s cheeky smirk, he knows it. “What?”

The smirk falls, replaced by a teary smile. “I love you, nerd. I don’t really know why because you’re a dork, but you love me and you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Of course I want to marry you, too.”

Dan’s barely closed his silly mouth before Phil’s is on it, pressing and nipping and begging for entrance. Dan grants it, for barely a moment, before he pulls away. “I’m serious about the ring.”

“Shut up, rat,” Phil mumbles, capturing Dan’s lips again, silencing whatever smartass remark was on his lips.

~~~

Later, Phil would go on incognito mode on his phone to look for engagement rings, but Dan would be asleep. He would find several styles that he thought Dan would like, but ultimately, he would send Dan a link to the shop so he could pick it out himself. Dan was his best friend, his soulmate, the best thing that had ever happened to him; but Dan was also very particular about what he wore.

But that was okay with Phil. As long as Dan did, in fact, wear the ring.

And he would.