#ive gone far enough into this. im going to bed

[gemharvest]

Need to get on top of whatever dumb fucking inferiority complex I got going on I'm tired of looking at everything about myself and going "Wow I am really sub-par." I know it's 2am but this isn't the midnight thoughts talking this is a fucking persistent curse throughout my day.

[runningfrom2am]

leveling the playing field IV

summary: you didn't meet the requirements for the plinth prize, only to find out that you're not just missing out on that- you're missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime. your friend wants to help, because maybe you can help each other.

pairing: coriolanus snow x fem!reader

wc: 2.5k

tags/warnings: capitol brat!reader, maybe slightly ooc coryo, idk i tried my best. do they love each other or hate each other? who knows (we do, kind of). implications and discussion of abuse, so read with caution!!

masterlists // nav // requests

join my taglist here

a/n: im just hammering this out at this point-

next part

The following days were full of a new routine. Every morning, take pain medication for your now neverending migraine, gather food for Lucy Gray and the Snow's, check in with Jessup and redress his bite as best you can, go to the hospital and be denied visitation to Coryo, go to class, and then start the cycle again that afternoon. You were getting burnt out, and quickly- your parents were displeased that you weren't home as often. Their patience was wearing thin.

If you were honest with yourself, your patience was also wearing thin. You were catering to Lucy Gray, which of course you agreed to do, but in the case that she wins the games, the Plinth Prize would not be going to you. It would still go to Coriolanus- and he was in the hospital doing nothing but recovering. Which was good. You remind yourself several times a day that you are happy to help because at least he isn't dead.

The sun is setting when Coriolanus wakes up again, this time feeling less groggy. He's been in and out the last few days, most of it as a blur due to the pain medication that has been pumping into his system through an IV for the last few days. He does vaguely remember waking up to eat as much as he could stomach, talking to Clemensia, maybe, unless he was hallucinating, and telling a nurse to stop letting you in when he kept seeing covered plates and glass containers showing up with more food. It had to have been you, and while he was grateful for it, he loathed the idea of you pitying him.

Tigris and Sejanus were both present, now, and despite telling the staff to not let you in, he's more than a little disappointed you are not there. He furrows his brow, attempting to pull out the tube from his hand. "Hey, hey-" Tigris stops him, shaking her head out of confusion. "What are you doing?"

"I'm fine. I'm better." He insists, pushing her hand away.

"I need to go check on Lucy Gray..." He mumbles, shaking his head.

"Y/N is with her. She's fine." Sejanus tells him, standing by the end of the bed.

"Now? What time is it? How do you know?"

"Well, the interviews will start in an hour or so." His friend explains.

"An hour?" Coriolanus asks, now more frantically pulling out the tube with a hiss. He has to be there, he has to go introduce Lucy Gray. He didn't even consciously realize time was passing while he was there.

"No, Coryo, you can't go. Y/N can handle it." Tigris says, trying to calm him.

"Sejanus, are you going?" He asks, ignoring his cousin completely.

Sejanus looks down, shaking his head and twisting his fingers out of nervousness. "No, uh, Marcus escaped. He's gone."

Coriolanus was disappointed- he was hoping he would be able to hitch a ride with him. He'll have to run- though it isn't too far.

"Okay, well, I'm going." He insists, grabbing a pile of clean clothes that Tigris had brought for him the day previous.

Tigris gives up on trying to stop him, and Sejanus hasn't really attempted to. He knows that you would be happy to see him if he is feeling well enough to go. Watching you in class, constantly jittery and even a little pale, made it evident that you needed Coriolanus, or you were worried, at the very least.

Thankful for the morphing he still had in his bloodstream, he makes it to the studio in time for Lucy Gray's interview, even with a few minutes to spare. As soon as he sees you, he can tell that you've been struggling. The bags under your eyes couldn't be hidden by makeup, nor could your healing bruises from the bombing that were now turning a shade of green that would typically make him ill. Scattered as well among them were some darker ones, purple ones, around your elbow and on your wrist. Regardless, you're smiling- talking in a hushed tone to Lucy Gray.

You're opening your brother's guitar case, carefully lifting it out of the velvet that surrounded it when you see Coryo walking toward you, and you're immediately abandoning your effort to stand up and greet him. "Coryo? What are you doing here?" You ask, excitement fading into worry.

"I wouldn't miss it." He smiles politely, adjusting his cuffs.

You sigh, finding the effort to match his smile. "You made it." Lucy Gray grins at him, brushing over her face with a cloth you offered her, a small effort to clean up the dirt and grime that clung to her skin in the zoo.

"Well, I got her a guitar. It's my brothers." You quickly move on, already feeling comforted by his presence alone. You grab it, holding it out to him as Lucy digs into the makeup that you had brought for her to borrow, hoping to add some life back into her face.

He takes it, looking over the polished wood and the brand-new strings. "Thank you. And it's tuned? Working order?"

"Tip top shape." You promise with a nod. "I had it professionally looked over this morning."

"You're a dream." Coryo praises you, making you blush. "Thank you, Y/N. Truly."

"It's my job."

Lucy Gray did amazing in her performance- and everyone loved it. She received the most donations by a long shot, which will allow Coriolanus to help her in the arena. As much as he can without changing her abilities to defend herself or fight, anyway.

You had made it home shortly after, returning your brother's guitar and having a shower before practically crawling into bed. Finally, you feel like you may be able to get a good night's sleep. Coryo is home, and even though you have an early morning, you'll be able to relax enough to rest.

That is, until you hear something snapping against the window next to your bed. You try and ignore it, covering your ears with your pillow, but the tapping persists.

You flick on your lamp and hesitantly pull back the curtain, peeking out to track the source of the noise. It was only a moment before your eyes landed on Coryo, who waves when he can see you in the window. You rub your eyes, squinting from the light and sliding the window open.

"Coryo?" You ask, confused as to why he's here.

"Come down, bring your notebook." He whispers loud enough for you to hear, but his voice is still soft enough to not wake anyone else in your house. "And a coat, it's quite cold."

You sigh. "Okay. Give me two minutes." Apparently, rest isn't a part of your evening plans.

You follow alongside him all the way to the arena, already set up to host the Hunger Games in the morning.

"Woah..." You gasp, walking into the same clearing you had just days before, but now it looked like a whole new place. "Okay. This we can work with." You smile a little to yourself, not noticing Coryo training his eyes on you.

He watches as you walk ahead of him, immediately toward the center of the large room as you scribble in your notebook. You wanted to get down as many details as possible, every new pile of debris or hole that could offer a place of refuge for Lucy Gray. Coriolanus wants to focus on the task at hand, but this is the first time he's been around you without the prying eyes of classmates or adults in a long time. You were never alone, he almost always was outside of school.

Walking up next to you, the light from the moon hits your hair and the side of your face as you look around, hardly glancing at the book in your hand. "Are you..." He starts, being reminded of what he noticed on the walk over but wouldn't dare to mention.

"Hm?" You prompt him to continue, drawing your attention to the boy in front of you now and lifting your pen to your mouth, biting onto it while you shake out a cramp in your wrist.

"Are you wearing makeup?" He asks, leaning in slightly to get a closer look.

"Excuse me?" You laugh awkwardly after grabbing the pen once more, taking a small step back. "Certainly your grandmother taught you its unbecoming to ask a lady such a question."

He chuckles slightly, looking away from you. "Bold of you to assume I consider you a lady." He jokes.

You gasp in mock offense, playfully smacking his arm. "How dare you!" You can't help but laugh. Now you remember why you were friends. Or why you considered him a friend, and why he believed that he was merely tolerating you. In reality, he didn't have to bring you. He could have come on his own, but why should he when you would be willing to accompany him? You're known for your attitude, your brashness, and he admired your unwavering ambition- whatever you wanted you would get. Not just because of your family name, either. You were willing to work for it, to fight for it.

Coriolanus was walking a fine line between desiring your presence and his own indifference. Now, surpassing a mere tolerance of you, this change scared him. "I know what you look like, you know. It's the middle of the night, there was no use wasting our time with putting on makeup." He says, not wanting to let on his own intrigue on the topic.

"I would argue that you don't, not since we were fourteen, anyway." You reply, dipping your head to get back to your sketching. "It's more of a force of habit."

His closeness allows him to grab your chin between his thumb and forefinger, gently but firmly lifting your head back up to get a better look at you. Your eyes widen, your heartbeat increasing with a mix of fear and embarrassment.

His eyes bore into you, into every part of your face as if your skin would somehow tell him the full story. You can't bring yourself to speak, just waiting for him to find the answers he wanted.

"Is it your father?" He asks, looking into your eyes now, his grip loosening on your chin.

You take a quick step back. You were aware that he knew something, he was the only one who tended to stare too long at your skin wherever it was exposed ever since you were thirteen and he asked what happened when you came to school with a bruise on your cheek. Notably more so after your essay last year that rewarded you with only a B.

"I won't tell anyone." He says, and your own voice echoes in your mind after telling him the same thing just the other day at your house. "I would have by now if I was going to."

"Why do you care?" You bite back, defensiveness being your go to weapon in a war of self-preservation.

He wants to spit at you that he doesn't, but that's a lie he couldn't even dream of in this moment. You'd storm out, probably never talk to him again, and that idea hurt him. "I want to help you."

"Well, not much anyone can do now is there?" You reply, attempting to move on. "Let's look around." You try and change the subject, give yourself an outlet to walk away, but this doesn't work as Coryo is grabbing your wrist, stopping you from taking another step.

"You can help by ignoring it." You sigh, his blue eyes just staring as he scrambled to find the right thing to say. "By not treating me like I'm going to break at every turn. How does that sound?"

He opens his mouth to speak but he doesn't, slightly shaking his head. He wants to release his grip on your wrist, tense and tight with urgency, but how could he without giving you the idea he thinks he's hurting you? He slides his hand into yours, holding his breath. "I apologize. It's not what I intended."

Now it's your turn to be speechless, staring down at your hands locked together.

"I just wanted to keep you safe." He explains, dancing around the idea even in his own mind that maybe he cares for you more than he should. "After Arachne, and after Clemensia, and now the Ring twins and Felix still fighting in that hospital bed it's so obvious to me that we are far from safe in this. We always were."

Your brow furrows. "What happened to Clem?"

"Dr. Gaul..." He takes in a deep breath. "One of her experiments, Clemensia has been in the hospital for days and she has these scales growing all over her and I thought I watched her die and then you almost died and-"

"Hey, hey, woah-" You cut him off, stepping closer again and not daring to drop his hand as he begins to crumble in front of you. "I'm still here, aren't I?"

He just nods, attempting to swallow back the fear in his voice.

"Okay. So, we've made it this far. You'll get that prize, we'll move on. Next year it will be someone else's problem. You will be safe." You say, squeezing his hand gently. "We're almost done, just a few more days."

His mouth is dry, and despite his heart racing, he knows you are right. After tonight, you won't be face-to-face with the tributes again. Neither of you will be in harm's way anymore, at least, not due to the games. Life will return to normal for you, and he will claim the prize he is owed and his life will change for the better. You won't be bringing him food every day, and you won't both be stressing over how to best prepare Lucy Gray. The tightness in his chest returns as his thoughts devolve- will he miss you?

It catches you off guard when he pulls you into a hug. Tight, panicked, heavy under the weight of all the tragedy and grief the two of you walk around with day to day. There is no one who gets him quite like you do. This time, he rests his chin on your head as your arms wrap around his waist, hands overlapping on his back. No, it's not enough. He tilts his head down so he can feel the warmth of you on his cheek, holding you tight as he takes in the scent of your hair. It's not roses, not like his mother's powder or what's left of her clothes in the Snow apartment, it's fresh. The smell of whatever soap you use doesn't demand to be noticed and inhaled, it's mostly full of you. Raspberries. That's it- it's raspberries mixed with you.

"We're almost done..." You whisper again, gently rubbing his back now in reassurance. He wonders, could you not feel the weight of everything? Of both of your entire lives barreling toward you all at once? Of course not. You were Y/N Y/L/N, you could only feel the pain of others; altruism drips out of every ounce of your being despite your habit of lashing out. Of course, you couldn't see it. You only saw him right now. Not his fear of losing you.

taglist: @keziahcore, @kitscutie, @annaelise, @serrendiipty, @babyspice6, @fratboyharrysgf0201, @totallynotkaibiased, @stelleduarte, @klplynn, @secretsicanthideanymore, @bejeweledreverie, @gloryekaterina, @andrewgarfieldsbitch, @queenofspades6, @pixiepopz, @pepperonipastas, @ladybug0095, @lunamothwrites, @nhlfs, @sbrewer21, @mus-tbe-a-weasley, @splxtscreen, @unclecrunkle, @karmaswitch, @sunghoonsbakery, @coconut-dreamz, @nekee-lilac02, @ooooglymoooogly, @riddlerloveb0t, @lovedbalances, @notyourwildestdream, @snowlandson-top, @too-lit-for-fanfic, @utopiakys, @@deafeningballoonnacho, @darlingisntit

if your name has a strike-through, that means i was unable to tag you so please double check your user is correct!

fill out my form linked here to join my taglist!

[angelyuji]

yandere wonder woman headcanons

diana prince x reader

tw // people pleasing, manipulation, usual yandere stuff, lasso of truth being used to interrogate/misused

big buff girls pls hmu ;) jk.... unless

missss diana prince i love you sooo much

wonder woman is known as a compassionate hero that values the truth (ive been reading the comics guys im so smart 😊) (ngl finding good comics for my girl was hard so rec me some pls)

shes kind, caring, so incredibly empathetic

she’s stubborn, reckless, and a hardcore people pleaser (shes just like me fr!!)

the first time diana prince meets you was a complete accident. she was running after a getaway car when she spots you. headphones in, attention completely on your phone. with another burst of energy, she launches herself in front of the car, one arm out to protect you and another arm to stop it completely. you can’t move frozen in fear as the car smashed into her arm, almost . you were pulled into her arms without a second thought.

“are you alright?” her face was overcome with worry.

you break down into sobs, “thank you. thank you. thank you” you bury your face into her shoulder

in that moment, all diana wanted to do was take you away from all of it. your touch on her skin felt like holy fire. you were angelic.

from then on, you saw her every day. first at a coffee shop, then at the grocery story, then at your work, then in front of your house. she wouldn’t pretend like she didn’t see you. no secret stalking. she would come up to you, ask you how you are and ask you about your day. to you diana became one of your closest friends. to diana , you were the one.

one day, she’ll tell you that she’s in love with you

“(y/n), i must confess something to you.” she turns to you on the couch.

you look over at her and she almost melts, “what’s up, di?”

she takes a deep breath, “i like you.”

“oh.” she stares at you, waiting for more. “diana, i’m not sure how i… feel about you.” you try to let her down easy, but she grabs your hands.

“(y/n), everything about you makes my heart stop. i wait with bated breath for any word from you. i would give you my soul if you asked. i love you.” diana got closer to you as she spoke. you try to inch away, but her grip on your hands were too strong. guilt swims as your mind processed her words. “please don’t say no. i love you, (y/n). i would do anything to prove it.”

you let out a breath, “maybe let’s go on a date first?” you see her eyes light up and you smile, happy to make her happy.

you keep going on dates with her becuz u didn’t want to upset her and she seems so sincere with her feelings

dates to dating to engaged to married

at the end of the day…. ur a people pleaser just like her

she would do anything for u babes like… anything

the emotional manipulation, the gaslighting, diana takes it to the MAX

she knows you would fold if she pressures u enough

shes so mother, mommy, wife, mother of my children

she babies you

like a lot

yk that post i made earlier about genius yanderes or wtv? its like that

she doesn’t trust u to do anything

treats u like a grown child

but its cuz she loves you!!!!

if you decide enough is enough and that u don’t want to get involved romantically…

“you’re lying to me.” diana’s eyes were fierce as she glares at you. it hadn’t gone too far but as she led you to the bedroom, pressing sweet kisses to your neck, you knew you had to tell her.

“i’m sorry, diana. i don’t like you like that. you’re my best friend. i just… didn’t want to lose you.” you were sobbing as you sat on the edge of the bed, head in your hands.

“all these months… you had been LYING TO ME?” with one push to your shoulders, you land flat on the bed. she straddles your hips, hands pushing your shoulders into the bed. you feel her hands tighten.

“please, diana, i’m sorry.” you choke out a sob. she lets go of your shoulders before leaning back to sit on your hips. you take in deep breathes as she shakes her head.

“no no no. you’re lying.” her eyes looked crazed and you don’t respond, fearing her strength. she starts to laugh. “you love me, i know it. the truth will prevail.” she states, she gets off of you. you sit up, afraid to move. you see her grab her lasso.

“diana, don’t you dare.” you try to move, but with one quick whip, her lasso had looped itself around you. you were trapped. “diana, don’t do this please.” you beg.

“what is your name.” diana’s eyes were cold, as she interrogated you.

“(y/n).” you can feel the words tumble out of your mouth.

“where are you.”

“in your bedroom.”

“do you love me, diana of themyscira.” you try to keep your words in, fighting the lasso. you know she would twist your words. “DO YOU LOVE ME, (Y/N). YES OR NO.”

“yes.” you sob as the word gets ripped out of you. the lasso loosens.

she wraps you into a hug. “i knew it. i knew it. i know you love me. i don’t understand why you’re fighting, (y/n), but we will figure this out. together.” she smiles at you, tears streaming down her face. you don’t respond and she presses a kiss to your lips.

i need her so bad guys i want a big buff gf soo bad i want u diana prince

not movie diana. FUCK movie diana. this is only comics diana. fuck ww 1 & 2 and FUCK gal-can't-act gadot.

[mihwee]

"I just wanna eat him up."

Siyun Baek x M! Reader

SYS: You were staying over at Baek siyuns house, — Due to some unfortunate circumstances. your shirt JUST had to get wet. And it just had to rain. Whats up with these coincidences?

Well..Your both men right? Theres no need to worry. A little nap would be fine...

TAGS: NSFW. Blowjob, handjob, Deepthroath, dirty talk, Slight-ish taboo. CNC, Cum play, Cock Play. (He sucks ur cock when ur slesping 🔥 summary)

Warning: CNC. Harsh/explicit language as said, He does naughty stuff to your balls when ur over there pretending to be snoring (LMAOO) if your uncomfortable with that, you can leave. again MALE READER. no one is strictly top here so.....

MINORS UNDER 14 DNI. MINORS UNDER 16 DO NOT REQUEST. DNI :(fujoshis, Fudans alligned.)

Setting: His bed

A.N: Hey guys~ ive been gone for so long.... sordy~ busy with shs

By the way, you can request anything! Ive been catching up to the trendy manhwas these days, and trust me. Im not that picky when it comes to fantasies lolll . My friend just reccomended me this manhwa, and i told her im not really interested in romance. Pfft, the look on her face if she ever sees my account would be astronomical...

Siyun quietly sat on the bed. Staring intently at your sleeping figure. "Asleep already?" He thought, He hasnt even been out for 10 minutes. He hums, his fingers brushing over your hair, Your soft skin visible.

He felt himself flinch, Your soft breathing, the way you looked so peacefull on his bed. In his clothes, With HIm. He smiled a little, oh what Could have he been if your not there? He felt his eyes darken. You dont need those pesky pests that makes you miserable all the time. Just stay with him. Just say the word and he'll....

He softly mutters under his breath, his silver strands slowly falling onto your skin as he leans in closer. Enough to feel his breath against the corner of your lips. "Fuck."

.

.

As you feel him shift away from the bed, and eventually walk his way to the kitchen— you slowly turned around, and shot your eyes wide open. 'What the fuck was that??' You bit your inner lip, trying to compose youreself as you felt some heat creep up your face. 'So he really does like me...' you blinked profusely, Trying not to bite your nails.

You felt his lips graze onto your neck just a minute earlier, does he act this way even when im not around? You thought. Its not like your repulsed by actually finding out he likes men. Its that... you never believed someone like him, Likes YOU.

Your face heated up more at the thought of siyun liking you intimately. 'And its not to self loathe but there are many variety of optio'-

You tried to muffle your yelp as you felt a pair of hands dig onto the fabric of the mattress. Siyun came back. And to the best of your efforts, You tried to put up a best act. gripping onto a pillow and grunting, Laying upstraight.

Siyun watches a little, his eyes slanting as he observed your every move. Has he found out you were awake from the beginning? Ah, shit. But what suprised you even more, is that his hands were slowly spreading your legs apart. You closed your eyes tightly, hes infront of me? What the hell is he doing? You sweatdropped.

You felt him scoff from above, his raspy breath evident. You feel youreself twitch as he leaned down to your crotch, you feel like you could die right now. What is he planning to do? You gripped onto the pillow tight. Trying to hide your flushed face.

Siyun smirks a little, Hes never done anything like this before. And he knows fully well your wide awake, trying to pretend. He felt himself heat up. Your not pushing him away, you wanted this. You needed this. You needed his mouth on your dick. And your not exactly offended by the thought either. Lets just see how far you can go without fucking into his mouth, begging for more.

He hums lowly, his lips brushing against your inner thigh as he let himself get comfortable beteeen your legs. He lets out a soft "Aah" sound as he opened his mouth, placing his lips just right above your clothed tent.

He kissed your bulge softly, letting his sharp canine graze onto your waistband. Slowly dragging out stiffled reactions from your mouth. His hand onto your thighs, and his face burried deep. So you can feel his every breath on your most sensitive spot. He chuckles slightly, letting out sounds of soft lip kisses onto your cock, his hooded eyes staring right through you in the pillow.

"Fuck, i just wanna eat you up." Siyun muttered, grinning quite widely, before letting his broad tounge lick a strip up your bulge. Your reaction evident as you gripped onto the pillow tightly. Barely managing to keep the gasp inside of your mouth.

He hums in satisfaction, His boney fingers tracing your cock slowly. Circling the wet spot as he rested his head oh so casually just beside your erection.

You cant see whats going on, yet you feel so sensitive. You cant help it, Fuck. Shoudnt you be stopping him now? Why... ah..

You feel his finger snap around your waistband, and slowly dragging it down to your boxers. Humming all throughout the way. As your pants was on thigh level, he felt like it was appropriate enough to start sucking you off. He licked his lips a little, flicking your boner with the tip of his fingers.

"Desperate little thing huh?"

As he whispers, he lets out a blow onto your tip. Feeling annoyed that he cant see your face. But sure, Lets play this game Y/N.

You let out a involuntary moan as he wrapped his lips around your cockhead, Feeling a stripe of his tounge dart out and take a taste.

Occasionally, beads of tears well up against your eyes as he licked up long stripes against your shaft, his teeth grazing every once in awhile. His hand pumping against your base as he slicked up your dick with spit. When did he even learn this anyway? Did he observe from "those" dreams or something?

You held onto every ounce of pride you mustered, to not fuck into his mouth. Feeling his hands firmly press against the sides of your hips and finally take you whole into his mouth.

"Mmghh...mmmh." he moans happily, letting his tounge slide around your cock as he hollowed his cheeks, his eyes glancing at you through his eyelashes. Your arms still gripping on that fucking pillow.

He felt his eye twitch, determined to make you cum deep inside of his mouth. To forget about those two Insects for awhile, and focus on him entirely. He tries to let out every lewd sound to drag out your reactions one by one.

"Ngahh..." he moaned, licking a broad stripe under your shaft, He felt himself redden. Your cock was twitching and resting onto his face. his lips pursed to kiss every vein on your cock.

Shit, you were so cute. Your little whimpers drove him crazy. Every time your hips Bucked involuntarily, it got his own dick hard. He should control himself. He should... Ah, ah.... what should he even do with you?

He kissed the top of your cock, before enveloping it once more into his mouth. Trying to hide his excitement as his throath clenched around your lenght. He bobbed his head up and down, slowly tasting every part. Slicking it completley wet with his salivia. His nose hitting your pelvis as he let his mouth get penetrated.

You bit your lip, hiding your face under the pillow as you heard his mouth elicit wet squelches. I wonder whats the look on his face? You huffed out. Cut and erratic. The normal you woudve been slapping him on the face already. If not, you woudve been slapping youreself too.

You tilted your head discreetly, your eyes half lidded as you took a short peek. Yet you felt your heart race even more.

—He was directly staring into your eye. Your dick making a dent onto the side of his cheek. He smirked, Letting go with a slight 'pop' sound.

Siyun felt your cock twitch under his fingers, He bit his lip in excitement. He cursed under his breath, and pushed your pillow aside. Gripping it under his fingers as he threw it on the wall.

You huffed out, drool pooling onto the shirt you borrowed from him. Your eyes wide open and looking above him. "I...uh- ugh..." you muttered, before getting cut off immediatley. The lips that sucked your dick onto your own, tasting your own precum.

You moaned into his mouth, your tounges Inexperiencedly exploring eachother. Yet you coudnt care less. You placed your palm onto his nape, as he bit your lip. Rubbing it against his sharp teeth.

Your breath hitched once more as his palm went back onto your hard cock, fapping it more faster than before. "....y/n... your so cute. Your so so cute." He whispered, His thumb onto your tip. Is this a good time to confess? Well no fucks sake.

You bit your lip hard as he moved his mouth to bite and lick your earlobe. Whispering sweet nothings as his hand continued to pleasure your cock. " Ah... hah.. You love this. You fucking love it. So... so stay with me. Forever. Please..."

siyun felt himself get more and more turned on by your moans and whimpers, Without even touching himself. He wants to pleasure you for now... He doesnt want to push you too far. He should focus on you only. He can come later on.

You let out a broken moan that sent his eyes wide open. The grip on your cock tightening as white spurts of thick liquid shot out. Your hips bucked onto his hand, covering his fingers with sticky cum.

"Ah... ahhh.... u-uooh..."

he smirked widely, letting go of your softening cock as he lifted himself up. Sitting onto your thigh. As he looked at his hand, he coudnt help but feel a sudden rush of adredaline. His face flushed with his own sweat, not even noticing his own boner thats weighing down inside his pants.

He moaned onto his fingers as he licked your cum, Letting the salty taste spread onto his tounge. And looked at your breathy figure underneath him.

His fingers caressed your bruised lips, before letting two of his fingers enter your mouth. Your eyes half lidded,... before slowly sucking it.

His eyes widened, grinning even widely than before. You tilted your head down to take his fingers deeper inside your mouth, holding onto his wrist firmly.

"Ahh..."

"Fuck."

Oh my gosh, well... i was thinking of doing a part 2. So thats why there wasnt any aftercare as of now, Where its either he rides reader, or reader rides him...

Its up to me anyways~ u can comment. Maybe i can get convinced to continue this hehe

[h3arts4harry]

- dissappeared -

- summary: y/n gets her first tattoo ever and shes lucky enough to have nicolas sturniolo as her tattooist, she comes in for a bunch more over the next week and they become best friends, what happens when y/n drops off the face of the earth 2 weeks later?

warnings: angst, tattoos, abusive dad, hospital, suicide, swearing, idk lmk if i missed anything

nick sturniolo x platonic! reader based in: LA, California

y/n 19 madi 19

chris 20 matt 20 nick 20

delilah "del" (22) cassidy "cass" (21) veronica "vee" (20)

-

=Y/N POV= -saturday-

im going out with my friends later for a well-needed girls night, we haven't gone out in so long due to us all being busy with work and our personal lives. i turn to my phone switching it on to see the time is 5:17pm and we are meeting at in n out at 7 to eat before we go to the club. i jump from my bed heading to the bathroom. i quickly undress, hopping into shower. once ive finished i step out and head to my closet to choose my outfit, picking through my hung up clothes i remember i bought a cute new outfit the other day when i went shopping with my sister, Nicola, i bend down picking up the shopping bag, turning placing it on my bed laying it out. i smile looking at it before putting it on. i step back facing the mirror, examining how it looks on me happily. i pick up my phone again to check the time and its 6:14 "oh shit" i mumble, swiftly sitting down at my desk grabbing my hair dryer out my drawer plugging it in. it takes around 25 minutes to fully dry my hair, messily section my hair and straighten it, leaving me 20ish minutes to do my makeup and leave.

-7:19pm-

since we're all drinking tonight we all had to walk or uber to the in n out, me living a 10 minutes away i walked there, leaving me to be a little late but when am i not so its fine. walking through the doors i see Delilah and Cassidy on one side of the booth and veronica on the other facing me, i run over to them "heyyyy" i smile sliding in next to vee, she side hugs me as del greets "hey baby", "took your time girl" cass laughs "you cant rush all this" i say as i push the hair from on of my shoulders. the waitress walks over and speaks as she looks up from her notepad "hi what can i get y'all?"

we all order and while we wait for our food to arrive we catch up on our lives. "so i have big news" vee starts, we all look to her "ur not preggo are you?" del jokes, vee shakes her head "no god no, not that i know of anyways" she laughs, "im moving to new York for fashion school" vee reveals, "OHMYGOD VEE THAT SO COOL" i squeal bringing her into a tight hug "im so proud of you vee" cass says as she and del reach over the table to join the hug "that's huge vee" del says in the hug". as we sit down vee carefully wipes her teary ears cautious to not ruin her makeup, "aw vee dont cry lovely" del rubs the back of her hand, "i just didn't expect you guys to be so happy about it, im moving so far" she sniffles, "of course we'd be happy for you vee" cass smiles "we're obviously gonna miss you so fucking much but we want you to be able to follow your dreams and if that means moving a mission away, we'll support you the whole way through it" i reassure her. "thank you guys, i love you so much" "we love you more girl".

-8:30pm-

we all finished our food and were walking to the new nightclub that had opened last month, we would've gone closer to opening but we couldn't get a date where we were all free. as we walk up the street we see a line leading out "oh my fuck look how long that line is" cass points in the direction we're walking, "youre joking" del shakes her head, "what the fuckkk" i drag out bringing my palm to each side of my head, vee just laughs "cmon guys im sure itll go down quick it opens at quarter to so we should be waiting like 5 minutes" she says.

vee was right, we waited for around 7 minutes before getting in. as we walked in we looked around in shock the place looked so cool, we all quickly made our way to the bar ordering our first drink of the night, i obviously ordered my favourite drink to ever exist, tequila sunrise, i worship the person who made these cause oh my god they are so good.

-12:49am-

i walk over to the bar to order another drink, no clue how many ive had already, we lost count a while ago. i reach the bar leaning my arms on the surface as the brunette women walks over to me, "hiya gorgeous, what can i get for ya?" she smiles i think for a minute, "urmmm i want to try something new, have you got anything sweet?" i ask looking at her big brown eyes "how about a margarita?" she tilts her head slightly to the side, "sounds great" i smile sliding my card towards her, "dont worry about it lovely, its on the house" she says turning around to start making the drink, "wow thank you so much" i smile looking down putting the card back in my purse.

-1:03am-

we left the club now, as we were all so drunk we were stumbling over each other as we walk, planning to go back to my apartment as its the closest. laughing loudly walking down the street cass notices something "guys guys omg" she speaks loudly over our laughs tapping our arms, "look we so should get matching tattoos" she points towards a lit building down the street, "FUCK YES LETS GO" i yell holding onto dels arms almost tripping us both over, "fuck it why not" del says, we all look to vee who is nodding "one thousand percent yes, cmon lets go" she says. we run down to the shop, i look in the window to see if theres anyone in there and theres a brunette boy sat at the front desk with his feet up scrolling on his phone, i open the door peeking my head through, "hey are you guys open?" i ask, he looks up in surprise "hi yes we are" he says with a smile, i walk in waving in del, vee and cass. "my names chris, how can i help?" he asks, "im y/n, that's vee, that's cass and that's del" i say pointing to each of us, i hope he doesn't notice how drunk we are and doesn't kick us out, "nice to meet you" he looks between me and the girls giggling behind me, "we want to get matching tattoos" i stated, "sounds great, i dont want to be rude but you guys seem quite drunk are you sure you want to do this?" he looks down to his computer before looking up again "tattoos are permanent" he adds, "we've been best friends since high school so im sure we'll be fine" del replied from behind me, he chuckles looking down grabbing paper on clipboards "here fill these in and once you bring them back we can get started" he said sitting back down, we thank him and go sit down on the couches by the window opposite him.

we fill out the forms and decide on getting four stars along the side of our wrists, we all walk back over to chris handing over our clipboards, "looks great, follow me and we can get started" he says walking out from the desk through the door next to it. "okay first clipboard is cassidy, cassidy this is madi, shes great, here you go mads" he passes Cass's clipboard to her, "good luck cass" me, vee, and del says as we continue to follow chris through a curtain separating the stations, "second clipboard is veronica, this is matt, hes quiet but one of our best, here" he passes vee's clipboard over and continues walking, "alright this is my station" he looks down at the clipboard "Delilah looks like youre with me" he looks back up, "make yourself comfy ill be right back" he places her clipboard on the table behind his chair, turning to me "okay y/n youre with nick, he is our best, trust me, i haven't got any yet but when i do im 100% going to him" he chuckles a little, i smile and nod following him, almost tripping over my feet.

"yo nick" he says turning to see the blonde boy asleep "oh my god wake up duffus" he says gently hitting the clipboard on his head "dude what" nick grumbles, opening his eyes a little then they immediately widen seeing me stood there "oh hey sorry" "its all good" i giggle slightly, "nick this is y/n shes getting matching tattoos with her friends, heres her clipboard" "thanks" nick nods taking the clipboard from chris's hands, he then walks through the curtain back to his station. "hey im nick" he smiles putting out his hand, i reach to take it forgetting to move my feet resulting in my stumbling over, hands pressed against the chair inbetween us "omg are you okay" he asks standing to help me up, "im okay just a bit drunk" i laugh covering my face in embarrassment. he chuckles sitting back in his chair after helping me carefully sit in my seat. "so it says here you want four stars along your wrist" he asks looking at the clipboard to his side, i nod "yea, one star for each of us" i confirm, "that's so cute, me and matt have matching tattoos on our arm" he says lifting his sleeve to reveal a cowgirl on his upper arm "i have this cowgirl, and he has a cowboy skeleton" he explains lowering his sleeve "i love that" i say looking back to his face from his arm, "have you gotten a tattoo done before?" nick asks sorting out everything he needs, "uh no, no i havent" i shake my head laughing a little looking down at my hands in my lap, "woah no shit? well its my pleasure to be your first" he jokes, i laugh looking back at him, "what about your friends, is it their firsts too" he questions, "no they all started getting them as soon as they could" i chuckle "del has 6 to 7, Cassidy has 4 and vee has 1" i add "how come you didn't get any?" he looks over to me "just never had the chance to i guess" i shrug.

-2:42am-

"i cant believe i like it so much thank you so much nick" i say, giving him a hug from my chair. "of course, it looks awesome im happy you like it" nick says hugging me back. after wrapping the tattoo, he goes through the aftercare instructions with me, but also puts a leaflet with all the information in my purse so i have something to go back on. we walk out to the main room where del, vee, cass, madi, chris and matt are talking between each other, "theres our baby" del says walking over to me wrapping her arms around me neck, "hi del" i wrap my arms around her back as we swing side to side a little squeezing one another. "del youre gonna squeeze her to death" vee laughs from the couch, everyone joining in laughing, del back up a little "sorry baby, how was it?" she asks lifting my hand, turning it to see the wrapped tattoo "it was okay, me and nick talked to whole way through it so i was distracted basically the whole time" "that's great, are you thinking of getting more?" Cassidy adds, del moves back to the couch pulling me to sit next to her, "yea i actually am" i proclaimed looking back to nick who was sat on the reception chair pulled around to us. we all talk for like half hour before they close up shop and we all head home, the girls coming back to mine.

-3 days later-Tuesday-3pm-

im currently walking back to the tattoo shop, i booked another tattoo with nick the next day of getting my stars. as i approach the shop i see a convenience store next door so i run in there and buy 2 bottles of water before returning, walking in chris sees me "hey y/n hows ur stars?" "theyre good chris thank you, i um booked a tattoo with nick" i smile standing the other side of his desk, "yup nick told me, ive got your details from last time so youre all good to go through" he nods up to me, "thanks chris" i say before walking through the curtain, madi wasn't in today maybe she doesn't work weekdays, walking through the next curtain i see matt scrolling on his phone, he nods to me and i nod back before walking through chris's station to nick's. "y/nn heyy" nick says getting up from his chair, greeting me with a hug, "hey nick" i say hugging him back. "nice to see you sober this time" he laughs "yea definitely" i laugh with him, "oh i brang you a water" i remember reaching into my bag grabbing both waters, handing him one "thankyou omg you didn't have too" he says placing the water on his table, "so just to confirm you wanted a lower back tattoo today?" he asks looking from the texts back to me "yup, do you still have the photo?" i ask, reaching into my shorts back pocket grabbing for my phone, "yea this right?" he says before turning his ipad to face me showing me the picture i sent, i nod with a smile "perfect" he says, as he pulls out the stencil, i lay on my stomach on his chair, pulling the top of my jeans down a little so nick had room to put the stencil where i wanted it. "hows this" he asks showing me the placement through a mirror "that's great thank you" i say turning back onto my stomach, "okay lets get started then" nick says with a clap.

-5:30pm-

"and we're done" nick announces sliding back in his chair, "that hurt way more than the stars" i laugh, "im sure it did, can i take some pictures for my profile?" nicks asks holding his phone in his hand, "of course" "okay, itll only be a couple seconds" he says before snapping away "thanks y/n", "always, i mean i wouldn't even have it if it wasn't for you so you can take as many photos as you want"

-2 days later-thursday-

"third tattoo in a week y/n? your crazy" chris laughs as i walk into the shop once again, "you know it chris, youre gonna get sick of me" i laugh, "i dont think i could" he admits, as i walk through the stations into nicks at the back, "hey girl, we doing the butterflies on the back today?" nick asks looking up from his ipad, "that's the one" i confirm putting my bag on the floor, "okay girl come lay down" nick directs picking up the stencil, i pull of my top leaving my top half in a bikini i put on so it doesn't get in the way for nick.

"it looks amazing nick thank you" i smile looking in the mirror, "of course y/n, you're my favourite client i could have you here everyday" nick says while wrapping the tattoo, "i would be here everyday but i would go broke" i chuckle.

=NO POV= like 2-3weeks timeskip-

every 2-4 days y/n came back for another tattoo, she now has a total of 10 tattoos which include her stars on her wrist, her butterflies on her back, her lower back tattoo, a flower by her boob, a butterfly in between her boobs, stars on her stomach, 444 on her arm, butterflies behind her ear, a hand tattoo, and a butterfly on her thigh.

y/n had booked in to come again to get 3 stars on her ankle in 3 days, nick had set everything up and was ready for y/n to walk in on time as normal so when she didn't he was a little worried but shrugged it off and shot her a text asking where she was. the time went by and nicks next customer had arrived, nick was concerned about y/n but carried on with his day as he would've. after the store closed nick packed up and met chris and matt in the lobby.

"wasn't y/n meant to come by at 4 today?" chris asked nick with locking the door to the stations, "yeah, i texted her but i haven't heard anything" nick replied, "hm weird" chris hummed.

-3 days later-1pm-

no one had heard from y/n. vee had gone to new york a week after they got their stars so she wasn't to aware of what was going on but Delilah and Cassidy was worried so they decided to stop by the shop to see if nick had seen her as they knew she was there almost everyday.

"hey Delilah, Cassidy, here for another tattoo?" chris asks from behind the desk, "um no we were wondering if y/n had been here in the past few days, we haven't heard from her and we know shes been coming here a lot" Cassidy says, "oh um no i haven't seen her, let me go get nick for you" chris gets up from his seat and walks through to the back station where nick is, "wassup chris" nick not looking away from his sketchpad, "Delilah and Cassidy are here looking for y/n" nick looks up at chris with furrowed eyebrows, "what" "yeah they're in the lobby, i said id get you" chris nods, nick gets up placing his sketchpad on his chair behind him before following chris to the lobby. "hey guys" nick says his eyebrows only slightly scrunched now, "hey, uh have you seen or heard from y/n?" Delilah asks worried, "um no i haven't, she was meant to come in what 3 days ago?" he looks back to chris who nods, "for a tattoo but she didn't show, i texted her too but no reply" nick shakes his head at the end of his sentence. Delilah and Cassidy just look at each other like they were talking to one another through their minds "do you think her dads back?" Cassidy says just above a whisper to which Delilah bites her lip shaking her head slightly while shrugging. "thanks nick, but um we're gonna go, if you hear from her youll let us know right?" cass turns towards nick whos leaning against the front desk, "yea of course, text me if she shows up i miss my boo" nicks says standing up straight. Delilah and Cassidy both wave as they leave the store. nick turns to chris whos scrolling through his phone "im gonna go back to my station Elizabeth should be here for a coverup in 10" chris looks up to his brother and nods before nick leaves.

-next day-4am-

'y/n'

nikk hel sent 4:07am

-NICK POV-10am-

"what the hell" i mutter under my breath as i pick up my phone from my nightstand. i haven't heard from y/n in like 5 days and shes finally texted me back but what shes said concerns me, nick hel im so confused, did she mean hello? hell? helmet? help? why would she need help? she probably just got drunk and misspelt hello.

'nickyy<33(tats)'

hey y/n! where have you been girl i missed you!! sent 10:17am

i shoot a quick text to the Delilah and Cassidy that y/n had texted me.

nick

heyy just wanted to lyk that i heard from y/n ^screenshot of nick and y/ns texts^ sent 10:23am

Delilah

omg thankyou for telling us dyk what she meant? sent 10:25am

nick

i thought maybe she was drunk and meant hello but idk, it was sent at like 4am i might just be weird but have a bad feeling about it sent 10:28am

Delilah

y/n wont drink by herself, shes always with me, cass, vee or some of her friends from work but they all said they haven't spoken to her in like a week plus vees in new york sent 10:32am

Cassidy

she spelt your name wrong and didn't finish the word 'hello' when shes drunk she can still type? sent 10:33am

Delilah

wait your right maybe she had to send it quickly and wasn't paying attention? but then what would she be saying sent 10:34am

nick

help? it would explain typing fast if she was in danger but what from? sent 10:36am

Delilah

cass did you find out if her dads back? sent 10:36am

Cassidy

i didn't think he is maybe he just got back? sent 10:37am

nick

whats up with her dad?? sent 10:37am

Delilah

hes an abusive prick who should be in jail but y/n wont say anything. sent 10:38am

Cassidy

Delilah rose. sent 10:38am

nick

i dont mean to overstep but wdym? sent 10:39am

Cassidy

y/n and her dad dont get along, hes never been good to her for her whole life but y/n will let everything go "bc hes still her dad" she says sent 10:39am

Delilah

he was better than he is now before her mum died sent 10:40am

Cassidy

he was still a jerk del sent 10:41am

Delilah

he was MORE than just a jerk but im just saying hes worse now sent 10:41am

nick

oh shit sent 10:42am

Cassidy

yea sent 10:42am

nick

so do u think her dad did smt? sent 10:42am

Cassidy

that's what we're worried about sent 10:43am

Delilah

he better not have or istg sent 10:43am

nick

cant we go to their apartment? sent 10:44am

Cassidy

we tried before we came to ur shop no one answered sent 10:44am

Delilah

she basically always answers the door sent 10:45am

nick

if her dads back in town would he go to y/ns apartment? or does he have a house somewhere sent 10:46am

cassidy

he would usually go to y/ns apartment, saying like he goes more than once every 100 years. he sold their childhood house after her mum died y/n said he said it was cause the pain was too much but it was obviously for money cause he bought some small shitty house in the middle of fucking nowhere and spent the rest on fuck knows what sent 10:48am

-timeskip-NO POV-

just over 2 months go by since y/n disappeared, they've gone to her apartment atleast once or twice a week to see if she shows up but still nothing. they went to the police but they aren't taking it seriously because shes 19 and 'most likely ran away', which they all find ridiculous. matt, chris, nick, madi, Delilah, and Cassidy all sit at the lake where del, cass, vee, and y/n would go whenever they felt they needed an escape hoping shell show up but mainly to try distract themselves from their missing friend. nick, del, and cass have been really down not knowing where she is or what happened, they called vee and asked her if y/n had shown up to her school or new apartment but nope, vee said she last saw her the day she left, shes said multiple times over the phone that shell drop everything to come back to cali for the girls but they said for her to stay, just incase y/n was trying to get here. vee and y/n had been friends for as long as they could both remember, their mums became friends when y/n was 3 and vee was 4 and they instantly clicked, so inseparable you'd never see one without they other, they were basically sisters.

the whole group was at the lake having a small picnic. they talked, ate, and swam from 4pm to 12:30am. matt and chris dropped madi home then went back to their house, while nick, del, and cass went back to delilahs, they tried texting y/ns number but to no surprise there was no answer.

-NICK POV-next day-5am-

y/n calling

"oh my god y/n??" i yell into the phone bringing it to my ear. "nick? nick please, its my dad, hes drunk again, i- i need help AHH" i jump dropping my phone, her scream gets cut off by the phone hanging up, i quickly call her back but im met with no answer. i call her again and again but to no avail she doesnt pick up.

i turn over in the bed to del and cass still asleep, i reach over shaking del as she was next to me "nick? whats going on its 5am?" she groans half asleep, "y/n just fucking called me an-" "omg what what happened" she cuts me off "she said her dads drunk and then started saying she needs help before screaming like shes in a fucking horror movie, then it hung up, i tried calling her back like a million times but she didnt answer" i quickly explain pulling on my shoes as del wakes cass. "whats going on" cass grumbles, "y/n just called nick we need to go now cmon get up" after hearing del, cass shoots up quickly slipping on her shoes. we all rush out of delilahs house, del slipping on her crocs by the door. we jump into cassidys car and speed just over the limit to y/ns.

as soon as we get there we all jump out and get to the front door, "dont buzz the door lets go round the back" cass says leading us round. we all rush up in press the 6 button in the elevator for the 6th floor. once the the door opens enough we push out and run over to y/ns door. i knock on it but it doesnt open, no sound or movement can be heard inside. "do you think they left?" i ask the girls next to me. "im not sure" del says trying to look through the peep hole, "its like no ones been here but where else would she be?" she adds, nick shrugs and so does Cassidy. "wait y/ns spare key" del remembers bending down to the plant pot next to the door moving around the soil inside looking for the key before finding it and picking it up, unlocking the door. "wont y/n be mad we're like intruding her home?" nick asks "nah its fine shell understand" cassidy places her hand on his shoulder as the two follow Delilah. "look around try see if y/ns here" cass directs before walking into the bathroom, "it doesn't looks like anybodys been here in months" del mumbles entering y/ns bedroom, nick going to the open plan kitchen-living room area. they all look around but find nothing.

-NO POV-

"Delilah!" cass shouts from the guest bedroom, del and nick rush to the room to see cass stood next to the bed, "what?!" cass steps aside revealing a big dark blue suitcase opened on the messy bed filled with males things, she lifts the tag connected to the handing reading it "george y/l/n, its her dads" she looks to the del with worry over her face "shit, did u see anything in the living room or kitchen?" delilah asks looking to nick, "i dont think so, but im not quite sure what could be different, ive only been here a couple times" nick purses his lips after his sentence. delilah walks behind nick to the room, looking around before noticing the corner of the kitchen island has chipped, she glides her finger over it looking around the area to see if anything else is different to then see a barely noticeable small dark red spot on the floor as if it dripped from the missing corner and was attempted to been cleaned, "guys look!" del shouts, nick and cass run in and see what del found. "what is that?" cass questions bending down sitting on her ankles looking at the spot without touching it, "i could be way off but it looks like blood" nick says mirroring cassidys sitting position. "i really hope its not" delilah mumbles "we should go to the hospital see if shes there, even if shes not itll be worth checking" she adds walking to the front door, "wait del you have something on your shoe" nick points out, del looks down picking off the paper, unfolding it and turning it to see it had been written on. it takes her a minute trying to read the messy writing "the handwriting is horrible, y/ns is usually like perfect" she mutters, "what does it say?" cass asks wrapping her hand on dels arm, nick the other side of del. "urm 'idk if any1 is gonna find this but dads back + his drinking is the worst ive ever seen and idk how long ill last wit him like this. im rlly scared an'" del squints a little trying to make out the words "it just ends there? in the mid of the sentence" del scrunches her eyebrows flipping around the note to see if she missed anything, "what the fuck" nick mumbles, "cmon lets check the hospital, bring that with u del".

-12:27pm-

they get to the hospital and head straight to the front desk, cassidy asks if anyone called 'y/n y/l/n' had been admitted and the receptionist confirms that only a y/n coleman had come in today, which caused delilah to furrow her eyebrows in confusion as her last name is coleman. she thought 'surely its just a coincidence' she looks to cass who has the same reaction on her face, they ask what room y/n coleman is in and the women says room 293. they all head up to the fourth floor, and walk down the hall until they see a blue sign hanging out above a room reading 'room 293'. cassidy peaks into the room to see y/n laying in the bed asleep with a white bandage wrapped around her head. "wait omg, shes in here?" cass says in a confused tone, walking into the room, delilah behind her "why has she come in with my last name" del asks, moving to y/ns side holding her hand. "im not sure" cass tilts her head looking around the bare hospital room, the only things in there being the bed, a chair and a set of drawers, all belonging to the hospital, as she opens the drawers to see theyre empty she looks to del, "do you think her dad knows shes here?" del shrugs. nick then walks into the room, "where the fuck did you go?" del questions, "i was talking to a doctor about what happened to her" he responds walking to the side of y/n opposite Delilah, "So?" cass walks over. "apparently some man, i assume her dad, came in with her passed out in his arms..

"i need some help over here" George shouts walking into the large building, 2 nurses rush over with a gurney, George lays y/n down on it and the nurses push it through the hallway, "sir what happened?" one asks, "she uh she- she was in the kitchen making herself food when she dropped her phone and banged her head on the counter reaching to pick it up" he quickly speaks in a serious tone, "how long has she been out for?" the same nurse questions, "id say for around 45 minutes. i brang her here straight after i found her and she lives 10 minutes away, 25 with traffic" the nurse nods to his answer as they push y/n into a room, leaving George outside.

after half an hour to an hour passes, a doctor exits y/ns room to inform George of what had occurred in the room to find no one outside waiting, the doctor waits outside for 5-10 minutes before looking around the hallways by the room. confused he goes to the front desk and asks if the man had left, the receptionist looks up from her desk and nods her head yes, "i saw him leave i think 45 minutes ago but dont quote me on it" she smiles, looking back down to her computer, the doctor thanks her before returning to y/ns room, he checks her making sure the bandage is on correctly and that shes stable before leaving.

..the doctor said that she hit her head pretty hard to cause it to bleed out but no long term damage though she does have black eye, a few broken blood vessels and a concussion." nick finishes. "woah" del sighs, "should she be asleep with a concussion?" cass asks biting the side of her bottom lip, nick shrugs "doctor said she hasn't woken up yet."

-15:38pm-2 hours later-Y/N POV-

i wake up to my head pounding, squinting my eyes open to bright lights shining above me i lift my hand up to my forehead where the migraine is rubbing over the area. "omg y/n youre awake" i hear from my right side, i slightly jump turning to see nick getting up from the chair. "nick?" i whisper, scrunching my face "yea its me, are you okay?" he says pouring some water into a plastic cup "i guess so, my heads pounding" i groan, taking the cup from nick chugging it down, "nick who are you- omg! y/n youre awake!" Delilah squeals running over wrapping her arms around me "hi del" i smile hugging her back, "del quieten down, she has a headache" nick says just above a whisper, trying not to worsen y/ns pain. "oh sorry baby, i just missed you so fucking much. where the fuck have you been?" del asks, sitting on the side of the bed, her legs hanging of the edge, "i-um its a long story" i shake my head, leaning my head back on the upright pillow, then cass walks in before she can say anything del quickly and bluntly says "sh dont be loud" cass nods opting to not say anything before rushing over giving me a hug, "hi cass" i giggle, reciprocating her embrace. "y/n was just about to tell us what the hell happened the past two months" del reveals, my eyes widen and jaw drops "its been two months??" i almost yell but my dehydrated throat wont let me. they all look at me confused, "yea y/n its the 27th of august" i look down to my lap with furrowed eyebrows. how the hell has two whole fucking months gone by "y/n?" i look up to cass speaking to me "are you okay n/n?" i slowly nod, not even believing myself. "what the hell happened to you baby" delilah whispers as her head tilts to the side in sympathy. "im not even sure anymore" i bring my hands to my face covering my eyes for a moment attempting to focus my racing thoughts. "its okay baby, take your time" del reaches and rubs my shoulder, making me flinch under her touch, "y/n?" "m'sorry i didn't mean to" i mumble avoiding all their eyes looking down on me, "its okay y/n, just take it slow and tell us what happened" nick says crouching slightly to my level.

after a minute, i take another sip of my water and sit up a little more "ill start from when my dad arrived, the closer to now its all sort of a blur" i take in a breath before continuing "i remember getting ready for my tattoo appointment with nick when the door knocked, i thought it was you two so i opened it without looking but to my surprise it was my dad holding a big suitcase, he walked in ignoring me, heading straight for the spare bedroom, i obviously followed him and asked him what he was doing, he told me he needed somewhere to stay and that because im his daughter i had to help him so i did-" i interrupt myself with a coughing fit, bring my left hand to cover my mouth. "here y/n drink your water" nick tries to help passing me a refilled cup of water, i take it and bring it to my mouth drinking almost all of it, my coughs stop and i clear my throat "sorry, um what was i saying?" "you let your dad in" "right yea um, so i let him and i said about his drinking and he slapped me and said not to question him and to remember my place, i guess i had to deal with that for a few days before he started to get worse" i sniffle and wipe the tear that started to brim my waterline, "he uh he broke my phone and started to get more violent" "oh baby' cas whispers leaning me into her chest, wrapping her arms around me. "its all kind of a blur from there, im sorry" i sniffle again, a few tears fall down my face, "no y/n dont you dare apologise okay" del snaps "none of this is on you, its on that horrible man" "del calm down" Cassidy says as i look down to my hands fiddling with each other. "no cass, no i wont calm down because no one should be treated like this its disgusting. it makes me literally want to-" "Delilah rose stop it right now!" cassidy speaks firmly instantly shutting Delilah up, "thank you" she says politely, "im sorry y/n i didn't want to shout" she mumbles next to my ear. del walks over to me gently bringing her hand to the large purple bruise spread over my cheek and jaw, rubbing her thumb over it "im sorry baby, i just hate to see you hurt" i lean into her hand and close my eyes, finding comfort in dels hand and the slight pain from the bruise. i open my eyes a second later to see Delilah looking at me with a small smirk, "what?" i lift my head from her hand, "nothing" she mumbles backing away.

after 20 minutes of just talking, comforting each other, the doctor walks in. "hello y/n, how are you feeling?" she kindly smiles, holding a clipboard to her chest, "i have a bad headache but im okay" i smile back, she asks if i want tablets to help to which i nod, she steps outside for a moment before coming back in handing me some with a bottle of water "thank you" i say taking 2 of the pills. "if you feel well enough, the hospital says youre allowed to go home" i smile nodding a little "yea, yea i do" "of course, just remember you have a concussion meaning headaches and trouble with concentration, memory, balance, mood and sleep, and they usually last between 14 and 21 days. and then with the broken blood vessels if you place a cool compress on them and they should soon clear up. i have this paper bag that has information about everything if you need it and some pills for any migraines or pains you may experience" she informs handing me to light blue bag "thank you".

-20:12pm-10 mins later-

"right so where are we going?" Cassidy asks as we all pile into her car, Delilah helping me into the seat behind Cassidy. "we can go back to mine? i think matt chris and madi are there" nick says pulling on his seatbelt, "sounds good" Cassidy nods starting the car.

-20:33pm-20 minutes later-

we pull up to nicks house and we all click of our seatbelts, Cassidy opens my door and helps me out while del runs over to help. we walk through the front door following cass whos following nicks up the stairs into their living room, who matt and madi were sat. "holy shit y/n?" madi says jumping up rushing over bringing me into a hug, "what?! no way is y/n here?!!" chris shouts from the bathroom, you can hear him rushing out to see if im actually here. "no fucking way" matt stands up pulling me into a side up after madi let go. chris then runs out the bathroom wrapping his hands around my shoulders "i cant believe youre actually here" he says grinning, "me neither" i mumble, he takes a step back placing his palms on the corners of my shoulders, "are you okay? where have you been??" he goes on to ramble before nick stops him, "chris she just walked through the door, please give her a minute" he says as we all walk to the sofa, sitting down. "im okay" i sigh a little.

everyone talks in their conversations, while ive been sitting in silence spacing out then Delilah wraps her arm around me, "are you okay y/n?" "mhm" i nod absently, "baby look at me" i slowly turn to look at her seeing a concerned look over her face, "whats going on?" "m'just tired del" i hum. "okay c'mere" she says bringing me into her chest, i lay there and close my eyes, easily falling asleep.

-NO POV-

"is she okay?" matt asks from the end of the sofa, "yea shes just tired" Delilah nods, stroking her fingers through y/ns hair. "i dont wanna overstep but is there something going on between you and y/n?" chris leans forward looking at the two sat together, blocking their view of madi and cassidy sharing the corner, "no not at all, shes my best friend", cassidy laughs a little shaking her head a little "del calls y/n baby because y/ns the youngest and smallest out of all of us, so shes like our baby" "ohhh" chris leans against the back of the sofa. nick turns to cass and whispers in her ear "theres gotta be something going on between them to or am i reading this all wrong?" to which she quietly giggles and whispers in his ear "oh a hundred percent, i just dont think they know it yet" she nods in the direction of me and delilah laying together.

after another couple hours of talking everyone eventually goes to bed, madi and nick going to nicks room, matt and chris going to matts room, and Cassidy going to chris room. Delilah decided to stay on the couch with y/n, not wanting to disturb her sleep.

-7pm-Y/N POV-

we all hung out today at the triplets house, we watched movies, ate snacks, talked and what not. "i thinks its time i go home, its getting late and i wanna get in my bed" i laugh a little nearing the end of my sentence, "what if your dads there n/n" cass asks, "im not sure if he will be, if hes the one who brang me to the hospital he would've for sure disappeared after" i shrug, "let me take you, then i can be there for you if he is" matt suggest standing up, "thank you matt" i say getting up but then falling back onto the sofa, i chuckle before speaking again "got a bit dizzy there" i try stand up again but delilah stands with me, "ill come with, see you later everyone" "byee" we all exchange byes before walking down to the garage.

-7:56pm-

"okay we're here, ill walk up with you two incase your dads there then once everything is all good ill leave you two be" matt speaks, getting out the car following me and delilah, "Sounds good" i say and delilah nods. once we get up to my apartment you can see the door is slightly ajar, "del the doors open" i whisper pointing to the door, she turns to matt behind us who has furrowed brows and is walking to get ahead of us. he reaches the door as pushes it open to see an empty apartment, "is he in there?" del asks, matt shakes his head, "doesn't look like it" he stated walking in, looking around, "y/n theres a note on the counter" he yells from the kitchen, me and del walk in hand in hand into the room. i look at the counter picking up the note, i open it and read;

'y/n if youre reading this that means you got home okay i want you to know that im sorry im not the father you deserve which is why you wont have to deal with me anymore i should've quit drinking for you but i just couldn't its not your fault, none of this im sorry it had to be this way mum would be proud of you dad x'

i wipe a couple tears falling down my cheek as i speak up "i dont think hes coming back again" delilah picks up the note giving it a scan over before dropping it down and wrapping me in a hug. ive gotten a lot of hugs recently. "im sorry y/n" matt says from behind me, i turn my head to him "thanks matt" i sniffle, "im gonna head out, is that okay?" he asks, "of course matt, del ill be back im just gonna have a shower quick" i say walking to my room, matt following behind me as my bathroom is on the way to the front door. i push open the bathroom door to my dad on the floor in a pool of blood. i let a loud scream falling back into matt, who looks confused before he sees what i have. del rushes over to see me on the floor hiding my face in matts chest, "whats?! matt what is it??" del says sitting on her ankles next to us, matt hasn't said anything still in shock but trying to comfort me, delilah turns her head to see the horror i stumbled upon. she doesn't say anything but lifts me up from matt bringing me into the living room, sitting me on the couch by the arm, "stay here y/n itll be okay" she whispers before walking into the hallway. the words in his note repeat in my head 'you wont have to deal with me anymore' 'its not your fault' 'im sorry it had to be this way' again and again in my head, i start to lose my breath, feeling like i cant breath, my vision starts to blur itself, i cant focus on anything but the note and the scene in my bathroom, "y/n? y/n you need to breath" del tries to help, "matt!" she yells. "y/n listen to me you need to focus on breathing can you do that for me?" matt says in a steady voice, "look here copy my breathing" he lifts my hand from my lap, uncurling it from its fist placing my palm on his chest, "you feel that, there you go keep going youre doing so well y/n" he reassures me, after a few seconds my breathing regulates and my vision focuses on matt infront of me, holding my hand against his chest, he lowers my hand into my lap "its okay y/n, youre okay" del says from next to me holding onto my other hand. i struggle for what to say for a minute before whispering "he- he left me" dropping my head, closing my eyes "hes not ever coming back" i shake my head a few tears falling onto my lap. del moves her hand up and down my back "itll be okay y/n i promise".

-

this is rlly old, like i think its the second fanfic ive ever written idk

this bitch has been sat in the drafts for time lmfaoo but i havent posted a fix in a while sooo🤷‍♀️

THANK YOU FOR READING

LOVE U HOES

taglist:

@m0r94n @sturnzsblog @junnniiieee07 @raysmayhem-72 @chrisgetsmewetterxo @sturniolo-slvt @mattspolitank @cerismo @chrispotatos @pvssychicken @ncm9696

[fluffypandabun]

Lee Casey jr ler Leo raph don Mike and April?

(Decided to just limit it to one two lers sorry!)

Casey crept as silently as he could down the hallway, near the end of it he could hear voices talking. He knew the latest scout group was there getting ready to depart on another scouting mission, a scouting mission that Casey should have also been on thank you very much.

His leg wound had healed ages ago and he was sick and tired of just sitting around the base and taking up resources that other people could use way more then him.

He knew he was getting better at his ninja training, he wasn't anywhere near his Master yet but to the untrained person he could be hard to spot if he so desired. And right now he certainly desired.

It would be simple, he'd creep in, blend with the group, and by the time they noticed him there they'd already be to far gone to turn around. It was foolproof! Perfect! It was-

Casey turned a corner and ran face first into the hard shelled chest of his Master.

"And just where do you think your going young man?"

Casey swallowed nervously , allowing a timid smile to creep across his face as he looked up to meet the stern gaze of his Master Leonardo. The turtles arms were crossed and his gaze was stern, quirking a brow as he waited for an explanation.

"Well?"

“I was well….uh….”

“Planning on sneaking out on patrol?” Leo filled in the blank, brow raising even higher on his wrinkled forehead.

Casey winced;”Nooooo…?”

Leos eyes narrowed further and Casey managed to last a full three seconds before his whole body deflated and he let out a long sigh, shoulders dropping as he suddenly became interested in staring at the floor as he nodded.

Leo let out a very long and tired sigh; “Case why? You know weve told you; your not healed up enough for patrol yet.”

When the kid didnt give any further answer the elder turtle simply shook his head with a huff.

“Alright then; back to the lab with you.”

Despite his stern tone the hand he put on Caseys shoulders was gentle as he guided the boy back down the hall and towards the lab where his own medical bed lay away from the main medical room which was lined with multiple beds; many which were full.

Upon entering the lab; the door opening with a soft woosh, they were greeted by Donatello, who sat in his large work chair. Upon their entering he turned around dramatically with his hands pressed together, like some sort of Bond villain, Leo snorted.

“Casey Jr.”

“Uncletello” Casey muttered in return, sounding utterly miserable, Donatello raise a brow.

“I’ll admit you got pretty far this time, I wouldn’t have even noticed you’d managed to sneak out….that is of course if I didnt have cameras all over the place which of course I do. I commend your effort however, you’re stealth skills are improving.”

Casey perked up a bit at the praise while Leo pinched the bridge of his nose “Don’t encourage him Don, he shouldn’t even be sneaking out in the first place, he could have gotten hurt on that patrol.”

“I would have been fine.” Casey grumbled, hunching his shoulders in on himself, Leo gave him a look.

“No you would have not been “fine”, Casey jr you are still healing.”

“But I’ve been healing for ages! Besides Ive seen people go out injured before!”

“Only in emergencies Casey, and those are grown adults were talking about not kids. Even then I don’t like doing it.”

“But Im not a little kid anymore!” Casey burst out in frustration, finally pulling his shoulder out of Leos grip and whirling around to face him.

“I’ve been working so hard to train and be ready for this! I’m not some helpless little baby anymore Leonardo!”

Donatellos tattooed on eyebrows rose in slight surprise at the use of the turtles full name coming from the boys mouth, meanwhile Leo closed his eyes and let out a slow breath.

“Casey.” He began, “It’s not just you I have to consider.”

He knelt down further to Caseys level and placed a gentle three fingered hand on his shoulder.

“If you had gone on that patrol not only would you be risking yourself, but the whole mission and everyone on it. Going out while injured isn’t a show of skills; its a show of lack of care of others on your team…and for yourself.”

Casey clenched his jaw,”But I do care.”

Leos gaze softened as he gave Caseys shoulder a gentle squeeze. “I know you do buddy, which is why I need you to understand that I also care. I know you’ve been training hard and you’re doing a good job, but I still cant, and wont, send you out injured. For your and everyone else’s sake.”

“I…I just…” Casey voice shook slightly as his body finally deflated. “I’m just tired of sitting around and doing nothing, I feel like I’m just wasting resources while everyone else is out there fighting to earn theirs.”

“Wha-Casey what are you talking about?” Leo asked, genuinely taken aback.

“Where is this coming from? Has someone said something to you?” He offered, behind him Donnie, who had mostly been pretending to only be half listening to the conversation, turned in his chair to start typing on his keyboards. No doubt getting ready to search security footage to find whoever had put the idea into Caseys head.

But Casey quickly shook his head,”No one I just….I just feel bad…your supposed to earn things and all I’ve done is sit around and ‘heal’”

Leos gaze softened as he reached out a hand to cup Caseys face. “Case…” he began softly “Kiddo you aren’t a waste of resources, I don’t care how long you have to sit around and heal for, you’d never ever be a waste of resources to me or anyone else on this base.”

“But-“

“Casey Jr.”

The boy startled a bit as Donatello suddenly called his name and he turned to face the purple clad turtle who was now turned back around in his chair.

“….Uncletello..?”

“Casey Jr, there are currently ten people recovering in the med bay; do you see them as a waste of resources?”

“I-Of course not!”

Donatello hummed approvingly; “Good, then logically, as you are among those ten that are recovering, you should not be considered a waste of resources either.”

Casey paused at that for a second, before he sputtered “Thats-Thats not…Thats not fair!”

Donatello looked smug as he turned back around in his chair. “It is quite fair actually, Casey Jr.”

Casey sputtered for a moment more while Leo chuckled, bringing Caseys attention back to him.

“Donnies right Case and you know it, you are in no way a waste of resources, no on here is. We take care of each-other here, remember?”

Casey sighed and nodded, seemingly somewhat convinced by Leonardos words.

“Yes Sensei…” he muttered, Leo offered him a smile, gently pulling him into a hug, of which Casey happily leant into.

“Atta boy”Leo hummed, before his smile widened into something a bit more mischievous. “Now….” He began as he lightly tightened his hug, squeezing the boy and making him squeak.

“Wheres that smile~?”

Casey let out a little huff, burying his face deeper into Leos shoulder, the turtles grin widened, eager to lighten the mood.

“Come onnnnn.” He teased, lightly shaking the boy back and forth in his arms and drawing out a faint giggle from him. “Wheres that smile at? Let me see!”

Casey clung to Leo tighter, grinning against his shoulder as he shook his head. Leo raised a brow, smirking.

“Ohhh I see, your hiding it from me.” He chuckled. “Thankfully I know exactly where to find it.”

He suddenly scooped Casey up into his arms, holding him easily in one arm leaving his other free.

“Your hiding it rightttttt here!”

The turtles three fingered hand descend down to dig into Caseys belly, forming a claw and shaking around; drawing out peals of childish laughter from the boy.

“Aeheheheh! N-Nohoho! Sensei hehe!”

“Aha!” Leo grinned. “There it is!”

He carefully pinched and prodded at the soft flesh of Caseys belly, chortling at all the silly squeaks and snorts it drew out of him.

“Now…..where else are you hiding a smile from me? Here? Or how about here? Oooo or maybe…here!”

With each word Leo switched spots, goong from pinching up his sides to skittering under Caseys neck, each new spot sent Casey into more fits of wild happy laughter as he fought to try and grapple with Leos much bigger hands, smacking at them lightly as he cackled. He squealed when Leo pressed his muzzle against his cheek and blew a raspberry.

“Ahem”

Leo paused for a second at the clearing of a throat, looking over to see his brother staring at him unimpressed.

“Really Nardo? I expected better from you.”

Leo raised a brow, ready to ask what the purple turtles problem was when suddenly he wheeled his chair over to the two. Plucking Casey out of his arms and dropping him giggling into his lap

“This is the proper way to do it.”

With that, Donatello lifted the boys shirt and leaned down to blow a raspberry onto his belly, prompting him to shriek before bursting into loud happy laughter. Donatello pulled away smug, fingers still tapping out a tune against the boys sides.

“Really, I expected you to be better at this Nardo. “

The blue turtle sputtered, laughter in his voice “Whahat? Are you serious?” “Well of course im serious, I take Caseys happiness very seriously.”

Leo snorted shaking his head, “Alright then, you called that a raspberry? I’ll show you a raspberry.”

He leaned down to scoop Casey back up, taking a big deep dramatic breath that set Casey off into a fit of laughter before the turtle even lent down to blow a massive raspberry onto his belly, letting out playfully little growling noises.

Donatello scoffed, reaching to take Casey back, “Psh, please, that was nothing. Give him here.”

Leo pulled the boy away and out of his twins reach “No way, get your own hes mine.”

“Statistically speaking he belongs to all of us, now give him here.”

“Nah”.

“Leonardo.”

“Nope.”

“Don’t make me get anglo.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

Caught still laughing his heart out between the two bickering turtles , Casey found himself feeling better already.

Maybe healing wouldn’t take as long as he thought.

[nappingnai]

megumi drabble

angst with no comfort at all, hinted at itafushi, wc; 670, im sorry i love u guys, not proof read so if theres mistakes im sorrryyyy

itadori is gone, and gojo has been given a task from before his execution. to give megumi a handwritten letter. gojo wants to snoop and see what it says, but he knows its not smart.

the soft sound of knocking interrupts megumis thoughts, muttering a small "come in" as he makes himself look somewhat presentable. gojo strolls into his room, sighing as he lookd around.

"yuji wanted me to give you this." is all he says before turning around and leaving, unable to let megumi mutter a word or let a single noise escape his vocal cords. megumi looks at the paper— a small, off-white, folded up— signed by itadori. his messy, but pretty handwriting with small doodles around it. mainly just silly ones of megumi, or itadori himself.

it takes megumi a couple of moments before unfolding the paper, letting his eyes quickly scan over it to see what the main jist of it was before taking a deep breath and deciding to genuinely read through it.

"hey fushiguro! if you're getting this note, its quite obvious ive passed on. i dont wanna say i'll see you soon because i want you to live longer than i did, okay? ill see you someday, though. thats for sure. anyways, i dont really know how to go about this. all those books i borrowed, you can have them back, if you want. they should be in the drawer next to my bed, unless gojo-sensei cleared my room out already. i think he'll leave that to you, though? i did ask him too, but you cant get everything you want, yknow!

anyways, other than all that stupid stuff, i'll miss you. i would say to tell kugisaki i'll miss her too, but, i can tell her that myself now. im sorry for leaving so soon, but you still have gojo-sensei and some of the others. i know you're not a huge fan of communication or anything, but don't continue to be that person that sits in the corner at parties!! live life a bit. i get you're a sorcerer and you assume everything will always be shit, but you can still live. it wont kill you to not be a misanthropist for once in your life fushiguro.

dont drown yourself in guilt over this because there was nothing you could've done to stop it. i was going to meet my end whether you wanted it to be stopped or not. i always had a question, fushiguro. i lived a somewhat nice childhood for someone like me, but the question always ran through my head atleast once a year. was i raised without love, or was i unloveable? and i figured out the answer. i was raised with love, just not enough for me to feel like it. and im not unloveable because i know you loved me with every ounce of love your soul could provide to me.

i think this is long and sad enough already, so, moral of the note, thank you. tell gojo-sensei im sorry for having to leave so soon, but it was bound to happen. i lived an interesting life because of you. id rather die than never meet you. thank you for this, and i love you, megumi."

megumi had already balled up the piece of paper in his hand once finished with reading it, the tears lining his waterline threatening to fall. he let out a shitty attempt at a chuckle, which seemed to be the breaking point of it. instead of a chuckle, it was a choked back sob, making him cough a bit. he threw the paper, even if it didnt go very far. he sat on his bed and stared down, sobbing. he kept wiping his eyes to try and make the tears disappear, but they kept appearing as if nothing could stop them.

megumi went to bed that night with nothing but tears and a hole in his heart that he feels will never be filled until he sees itadori again.

(misanthropist - a person who dislikes humankind and avoids human society.)

[tea-and-secrets]

so me and my ex gf of 5 years had a bad breakup last year, around the end of summer. when i moved out (we lived together, like we had an entire life and friends together) i didnt tell anyone. i waited until she was visiting family, i packed up and left while they were gone. i ended up taking her cat when i moved out of state (like FAR).

*brief reference to animal neglect, none actually occurred, but, well youll see*

ive been in this cats life for the 5 years my ex and i were dating, so its not like 😺 wasnt my baby. and ive been the one primarily taking care of him for those years (for a long time i was a stay at home or worked less than 20 hrs a week to ex's 40+ hr weeks, so it made sense). once we broke up - and there were a lot of reasons why, the biggest one being the "rescue" of a bait dog, and subsequent neglectful abuse of her in the resulting weeks. i ended up working 2 jobs at 50+ hrs a week, while taking care of an ex bait dog (who had SERIOUS behavioral issues, especially around colored men, which i am), a special needs cat, and all the house/yard chores for a 2b2b - she told me to "stay the fuck away from my 😺 and 🐶"....but would be gone for days at a time, rarely being at home for more than enough time to sleep & shower & [redacted]. suffice to say these animals would have greatly suffered, maybe even died, if not for my IMMEDIATE intervention. i was already so used to caring for 😺 anyways, and i grew up rehabing strays so im used to the bites and aggression

fast forward to when I'm about to go. the 🐶 had been rehomed properly through a shelter, and no one ever found out about ex's abhorrent neglect. i know taking her 😺 was wrong, they were together for 3 years before i came into the picture . 😺 was her ESA even! when they finally noticed 😺 was gone (5 days after id left. no idea if thats how long they were gone or if that's just how long it took to notice 😒) they said they filed a police report, but nothing ever came of it. no calls, no letters, no warrant for my arrest, nothing. but i genuinely believed it saved 😺 life.

i know i made the right decision, but i still feel so guilty about it, on top of all those icky feelings from a breakup 😞

*for those wondering 😺 is doing fantastic!! he's f i n a l l y up to weight, his ibs is 100% under control, his arthritis has been successfully accommodated & no longer bothers him, and hes reliabily getting his 3x a week intestine medicine. his fur is full and luscious, his teeth get brushed 1-3x a week, his hair is brushed everytime i brush my own, same with his nails. i also keep it fucking immaculate in my apt, unlike the very...unhygienic 🤢 environment i removed him from. which is huge, he was having a LOT of issues due to that, 😺 loves that i clean the litter box every 5-9 days (if i can smell it, if he complains, i scoop it) now

not only that, but 😺has all sorts of: toys, cat nips (theres like 6 varieties?!?!), treats (wet & dry), beds, blankets, hidey-holes, tunnels, and [human] friends who love on and help me take care of 😺 if im unable. 😺 even gets supervised outside time once or twice a week (in a backpack or on a leash), which they obvs goes fuckin nuts for!

all in all, dont worry, 😺 is very loved and cared for to the point where 😺 (10ish yrs) acts like youngin now... i just still feel guilty 😭 and had to tell someone other than my therapist

.

[exmotranny]

mom, im sorry

i hate your church

i wanted to stop lying, but couldnt help myself

when i came out to you

and the words you said

that rang in my head were

"do you still believe?"

i promise, im glad you accept me

but you seemed so relieved-

like it was all a dream-

like its okay because im not too far gone for you

and thats when it hit me

i don't believe

and yes, the church makes me angry

because of all the hate and money and fame

but the part i hate most

is the look in your eyes when you talk about god and satan

like these words ive heard a million times are so real to you

i don't believe

but you do

im sick of how you act on sundays

i hate how you think blaming everything bad on satan will fix me

i hate that i cant cleanly get away from this church

and most of all, i hate

how you

my mother,

smartest, strongest, kindest person i know

has fallen victim

i hate how no matter what my future self wont be good enough for you

because i don't believe

how is god so real to you

more real than your child

who is standing here

i am standing here

and i hate how

i don't recognize you at church

you become the woman you wish you were

but i hate her

i hate you when you say "in two years you don't have to go to girls camp"

how your stubborness to be a normal church family made me come out

i wasnt ready

and now im sorry because im terrified of you

just as im terrified of the church

of the stares of the people there

you used to keep me grounded to earth

but now when i lay in bed i hear your voice asking "what is wrong with church?" and i feel like im falling through the sky

im terrified of you, mom

im so so so scared of you

i never ever want to go to church again

i never ever want to see that look in your eyes

during scriptures and prayer

that weird pride, like

this is the christian mother i always wanted to be

im just guessing

i don't know anything about you

maybe the church is true

i don't know

and i hate it

and i don't want to hate you

[aettuddae]

SERING KISS!!! guys admit it, SERING 🗣🔛🔝‼️

alexa play how sweet by nwjns please

im literally screaming (in my head bc it's almost 2am) and kicking my feet in bed rn. ive been waiting for this moment for yearsss. my ship 🥺❤

idk much abt dogs but serim gives me silly black cat vibes, ik ppl see black cats as serious and quiet but some just act like burnt orange cats. and they're just so silly n cute. ningning is def calico, a little silly and orange but also serious when she has to be. I love her sm. also the crying cat pic w its paw in its mouth :3 hehe

as much as I love jimin, toxic yuri, and angst i need jimin to stay away from serim bc she hurts her so much, T^T just let her be happy bro or stop sending mixed ass signals and fix ur shit first.

sorry for the inactivity, ive been mourning the fact that it could have been me watching her live in hk for the concert for the last couple of weeks. my mom and bro went to china and hk to visit family recently I only said no to going bc I can't stand my brother. I should have gone T^T ningning looked so good, I could have def ignored my bro for what, a month? (that's a lie, we can barely sit together for dinner without arguing) I COULD HAVE SEEN NING SAY SMTH IN CANTO!!! smth abt pretty girls that speak the same language has me so weak(mando and canto r similar enough,,,)

haiii, hru btw? hope ur day has been as nice as mine ever since reading the new update :3 hope u have a great day/night and that both sides of ur pillows r nice n cool!!!<3 also sorry for always writing so much. I can't stop yapping

- ur friendly neighbourhood 🦈

i wrote it for those like you who deserved to live sering to the fullest ✊🏼

she could be a silly black cat, i guess. at the end, how jimin perceives her is up to her, the rest we can have our own opinions 😅 THE CRYING CAT PIC, i love you ningning imitating the crying cat every 5 seconds, it gives me a lot of joy

but she's staying away.. kind of.. lowkey.. i mean, she gifted her a hedgehog, but other than that 🫴🏼

i hate to say this to you, but the hong kong concert has probably been the best one so far 😔 but it's understandable, if you went with your brother you would have probably not been able to enjoy it fully, it would have had a bittersweet feeling knowing someone else ruined a great experience for you. it wasn't the moment, anon, you will get to see them in the future, i'm sure !! at an opportunity where your enjoyment and happiness won't be compromised 😌

i'm fine, overall, having a decent streak 👍🏻 happy to know you're doing okay, anon, i'll have a good day, and hopefully you too. take care of yourself, and don't worry about the yapping ! 🫂

[nobodyaskedmeifiwasokay]

sick

i always feel like shit. day after day. it always my head aching, or my bones, im either fatigued or restless. all the muscles in my body have atrophied. my joints are constantly popping. and fuck, my head always hurts. my heart hurts. i can feel it racing as if im alive, but ive felt dead for many, many moons. my heart has gone cold over time, i have no room and no hope for love or being loved. i couldnt possibly be loved by someone let alone be accepted. im just too damn weird. ive always known myself to be weird, but i mask it extremely- even scarily well. i always feel like shit. my body is never propelled to do or pursue anything. i have to force it. some days i cant even drag myself out of bed. those are my darkest days. i know what i am and what i want to be. that has been my biggest struggle my whole life. i dont think nor function the same as everyone else. i dont even function, i always feel like shit. im always going back and forth between crippling depression and delusions of grandeur. i can never sleep. i can never sleep right. i always feel like shit. my self esteem is in the gutter. i never thought it would still be so low this far into adulthood. i always did doubt and question myself, more than whats considered a healthy amount. my stomach is never truly satisfied unless its completely empty. something thats never empty is my damn mind. im always over analyzing, obsessing, lying to myself, making up scenarios. i fear a lot too. i fear so much in this twisted world. i fear being a victim, to many things. the horrors of this world... i always feel like shit. ive been consumed by lonlieness. i dont talk to anyone anymore. im not seeing anyone. no one thinks about me... its a scary feeling, realizing just how alone you are. i havent been okay for many, many years. i know i need help. i know it so bad. but nobody cares enough, if at all. i cant even afford to pay someone to care. i cant do anything i just cant. theres so much i want to do but i just feel incapable.. constantly. i either mentally or physically cant- or both. im so tired. im so tired. my heart is tired. i always feel like shit.

[tothedarkdarkseas]

Hello i have read your entire collection of fics and i gotta say. Wow . what a Talent for the Grime. im not a 2doc girlie unfortunately but I've been softened. won over. I can now see 2doc and go "well that's very interesting. I wanna see where this author goes w it" instead of the general feeling of he would Not fucking say that. bc the truth isthat maybe he would . say those things he says in your fics etc. You understand. Most of all i have an appetite for grime and i have had it Saciated. i saved the plastic beach fics for the end bc i knew they'd be the ones id be more predisposed 2wards and while i was right i will say -> paula fic sweep. i love ms cracker she's such a cunt. as a dyke well all i can say is come 2 bed sweetheart your horrible mean gross standoffish attitude is wasted on a rockstar like stuart. I haven't read a hotter woman in a while Congrats. um but yeah also the plastic beach fics i left some comments bc oysters got to me Bad i never fully felt the impact of plastic beach from a murdoc perspective w such INCISIVENESS and POWER just the fucking spiraling horror of putting yourself in that position out of desperation and PRIDE??? god. GOD. and then the fic you have pinned. the fic that.made me check out your ao3. god . ive been in bad relationships that hurt me greatly and i had to keep seeing the.person. It was So cathartic. the mixing of 2ds identity w murdocs the enmeshment the. The

sorry 4.the.long ask im a little drunk but you HAVE to know you have got a NEW BIG FAN

i wanna see.more of your noodle and cyborg noodle :( noodlez mean so much 2me and 2d and noodle in seething coast got to me so fucking bad. russ' small role also got me weeping but not as much as 2d and bday girl noodle ending did. your 2d is perhaps the most interesting read ive seen on the character so far .

This message brought so much joy to my night, as did your comments on AO3! I apologize for my lateness; I absolutely intend to respond to them over there (as far as my intentions go for the foreseeable future I will always respond to comments or asks, so long as anyone is kind enough to stop by! It just takes a few days sometimes, whoops) but I'm so enchanted by the ephemeral nature of the drunk message, I've got to let you know I've seen it, haha.

I love the sentence "unfortunately, I am not a 2Doc girlie" as it feels quite backwards from the other side of it. I would say, being someone who has written exclusively 2Doc stories for their fanfiction career and runs a bizarrely devoted 2Doc blog years longer than they ought to have, being a 2Doc girlie is an unfortunate thing to be. I wouldn't blame you having apprehensions! If you can believe it, when I got into Gorillaz I would avoid the shipping element altogether and skip past any 2Doc that popped up along my way; I also felt a sense of... neutrality to profound disinterest toward it, and had things gone differently after I may have bowed out without any lasting words exchanged and moved forward along the fandom line, as so many do. I felt some sense of shame, I think, to admit I was reshaping the characters by my own wants, but I accept now that this is what Gorillaz fandom is; the nearer to canon one can go in tone, the better, but there's a point where the road forks (splinters into four forks, and four more further down, really) and for the sake of your own stability and consistency, you have to make a decision about that character's path. Anyway, sorry, I'm rambling! Hopefully that doesn't bore you to tears, but your message made me think about it all again, and I enjoy doing so!

Thank you for reading everything, good gravy, it's a tall order and I'm just-- I am beyond flattered. I am beyond humbled. I am moderately embarrassed by some of the early writing, but I'm incredibly touched nonetheless. I am especially grateful for Paula to make her way into a loving home, biting and spitting all the way. Stuart is not and will never be equipped for the job. ("It's rotten work, especially if it's you," only Paula's not asking him to do it and she's sure as shit not offering it in return. God, I love that woman.)

Thank you. I don't know if it's too sappy and too sincere to say, but I think we grow in sincerity, I think we are emotionally and mentally fed by honesty even to a degree of discomfort, and so I swallow that embarrassment and say... you naming those stories, sharing your thoughts, sharing with me a connection and a sense of caring for Oysters, Ampersands, Seething Coast-- the stories that I cared most for, stories that drew the most from myself even when I tried to obscure it, stories that still sit close to the breast-- that is special. That really means more to me than a comical reply can express. I'm really glad that these scenes meant something to you and that they get to live in another person. That's the horror and the prize of writing, it's the thing you dread doing wrong and losing in the void; but to hear months or years later that it's found someone, and they felt something for it, and they're not embarrassed for you that you've stumbled through making something like this from these characters, that's all you can dream of. That's everything. It matters very much. I can't say I have anything new on the horizon for Noodle (...and I can't say what I have done in the past few months is anywhere near cresting the horizon) but this message gets my heart thu-thumping and has me mulling her over. Maybe one day we can revisit the mess again. If you'd like to listen, this song always makes me think of Stu and Noodle, specifically on that illusion of solid ground in the years after Plastic Beach. I listened to it sometimes to get in the mood to write them.

[asbestieos]

we used to be friends, way before, and like, wow, youve gone so far, proud of you

🥹🥹🥹 oh my goodness!! anon if youre who i think you are (i am somewhat confident in my silly hunch), im so happy to know youre still out there even if we dont talk anymore!!! admittedly i have the most terrible memory ever so i barely remember much of our time together (i wish i remembered more!! but as is, i cant even remember the last time i showered lmfao) but since its been such a long time, i hope its ok if i give you a Riley Life Update of the past.. two, three years? <- it feels like it has been longer than that 😭😭

2020!! i graduated!! i enrolled in school! i girlslayed hard! however due to World Events, i cant go to school in person and am relegated to online classes in my room </3 unfortunately im also in the deepest depths of my genshin phase and ran both my own And denver’s acc. sometimes i paid for her acc’s battlepass too it was bad DBDKBFJ

2021! girlslaying starting to fail from burnout and severe depression from being shut in! i passed my first semester exams with flying colors! i failed all but one of my second semester exams. also come january im both afflicted with covid and experiencing a bad bed bug infestation. #girlsuffering. i dropped out in the summer ^_^ this is when the terrible moodswings hit (i thought they were moodswings but as it turns out, i was incredibly emotionally unstable!! more on this later)

2022!! last year oh my gosh! denver and jasper/moth and i started talking about moving in together, which requires me to have money of course. so aprilish i get a job! i work at starbucks! i girlslay REALLY hard. i also start playing ensemble stars (the beginning of my curse……..). come july i had a massive breakdown and almost broke up with denver and our mutual friend group 👍 it was Bad bad.. but things worked out? <- this experience has led me to believe im probably a bpd haver becos of how wildly unstable i am. fun! crasy asf!

moving plans fall through as summer goes by, im still employed at my job, still havent gotten my license yet but it is ok i will get it soon, and come 2023, moving plans are back on!! hopefully will be seen-through ny the time summer comes…

tldr i have bpd, i dropped out and got a job, im gay a shit over idol bot gacha game, and by summer, ill hopefully be moved in with denver!! yeha those are the important updates! for me at least. randys in college now btw!!! in her sophomore year!! shes incredible truly! she lives on campus so i usually only see her once a month or so but shes literally awesome ^_^

very long update post and i made it all about me 💔 theres history between us that ive unfortunately forgotten and im sad that ive forgotten (then again i could always read back, but every time ive tried, ive only cringed at myself like OOGH is that me?? sickening) but im really glad to have gotten this anon!! if youre not the person i think you are thats okay and also i am sorry i assumed UEGEJVFDJF i needed this i think to try and reflect back on. the crazy ass time my newrly three years of adult life has been.. im 21 in july!!! crazy as hell!

i also hope the formatting is ok, i try to break up big paragraphs w/o starting a brand new one for the sake of readability <:] i think i mightbe learned that from you? i dont remember though guwbddjjd.. but i think about you on the occasion as i do with everyone ive ever met ever and im glad to know youre still kicking it like i am.. life is rough a hell 💔

theres not enough words i can say that can make up for not remembering us too well and also for saying and doing hurtful things to you if theres one thing ive not forgotten, its that i was not a very nice person way back when. but i hope now youre in a better place and you have friends who love you just as much as i did and still do!!

i have to go to work but uuwheuehehhehehrhfht thank you for reaching out anon i hope this post was nice to read and feel free to live in my inbox for forever, even if you wanna stay anonymous forever i dont mind! if youre not the person i was thinking of, rest well with the joy that youve given me a moment to reflect on myself euwhhwrh but if you ARE the person i was thinking of. im sorry i hurt you. and thank you!! i love you!! im glad you were a part of my life. i hope your day is good and your tomorrow is better!! live in my inbox if it pleases you!!

EDIT: FROGOR TO SAY IM PROUD OF YOU TOO 👍

[aroacedragongirl]

Im just going to answer all of these because why not

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

its complicated

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

my father

03: Do you regret anything?

so many things :)

04: Are you insecure?

definitely

05: What is your relationship status?

single, hoping to stay that way

06: How do you want to die?

preferably painlessly

07: What did you last eat?

Honey bunches of oats with almonds

08: Played any sports?

i did karate for like eight years and hated it for at least like half of that

09: Do you bite your nails?

not really

10: When was your last physical fight?

see #8

11: Do you like someone?

this is a really ambiguous question. not romantically or sexually, thats for sure

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

no

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

yes

14: Do you miss someone?

I miss my friends who have all gone off to college around the country

15: Have any pets?

two dogs and a chinchilla

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

tired and annoyed by my mother

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

nope, never anywhere, for that matter

18: Are you scared of spiders?

no, i think they are cute

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

probably not, because it is impossible to predict the far reaching effects of what you do, and you could irreversibly change your life forever

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

what the fuck does that even mean? actually I dont think i want to know

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

i have no idea right now

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

nope

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

nope

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

calculus, physics, and computer science, probably

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

that is literally the same question as question 14

26: What are you craving right now?

sleep

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

probably by accident at least once without realizing it

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

never been in a relationship

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

never been in a relationship

30: What’s irritating you right now?

upon reading this my entire body spontaneously became itchy, fuck you

31: Does somebody love you?

I think my parents do?

32: What is your favourite color?

purple

33: Do you have trust issues?

definitely

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

I crashed the car that i am borrowing

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

one of my parents, i dont recall which

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

probably

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

i am guilty of both

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

no

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

never have; hoping to continue that

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

no

51: Favourite food?

i wrote an entire essay on this one in response to an ask if you want to know go read that

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

if the consequences of our actions and random chance count then yes, otherwise no

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

game with friends

54: Is cheating ever okay?

I dont think i am qualified to answer this (aroace)

55: Are you mean?

sometimes unintentionally

56: How many people have you fist fought?

complicated answer, see question #08

57: Do you believe in true love?

no

58: Favourite weather?

just cool enough to wear a hoodie, not too cold

59: Do you like the snow?

yes

60: Do you wanna get married?

no

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

definitely not

62: What makes you happy?

Making things, success, sometimes hanging out with my friends

63: Would you change your name?

probably, idk to what though

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

jokes on you ive never kissed anyone

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

apologize for being unable to adequately reciprocate also why exclusively opposite sex?

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

idk

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

my mom

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

also my mom

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

no

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

probably not

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[fraener]

9/7/24

if i had the time to write, i would have. this past month was one of the hardest ive gone through. i didnt have a day off since before my last entry in here. im listening to stefans piano music in bed now, had dinner, painted for the first time in a really, really long time. it didnt give me the same level of enjoyment as it used to but i think id like to start doing that again every day. i had to leave work early today because my period finally came with a terrible vengance, 20 days late. the stress of the move nearly killed me i think. i lost even more weight im pretty sure, ive never been this thin. im going to try and get my thyroid tested again because im getting very worried about it. h told me he felt like i criticized him too much and was so ungrateful for all his help moving. i am not allowed to have any feelings about what happened in front of him because he feels this way. i told him he was right so hed stop yelling at me. its just yet another thing i cannot rely on him for or trust him for, i dont feel like i ever want to ask his help for anything ever again, at least not that big of a thing. it just doesnt seem like a good idea anymore and im almost glad i never let go of my suspicions around it. im too depressed to really be disappointed or saddened by it. this is just what relationships turn into for me, a strange dance of self suppression when faced with the continuous obstacle of being something foreign and unordinary in the face of what the other person wants and expects. i feel like im speaking a different language to most people. i feel so extant and as i get older it becomes less and less surprising that i feel that way. i wonder what would have happened had i been ordinary or had a shot at seeing the world in an ordinary way. i dont really think i have it in me to keep trying to find someone who will see me and understand me and love me for what and who i am. maybe thats a good thing. i dont really know. i want to lean into my uncommonness again. i am unloveable in my uncommonness, i think, but strong in it. tomorrow i think id like if i am able to go and paint on the hill above the bay and watch the little sailboats go by. for the first time in a long time im feeling reasons to return to myself rather than turn away. what am i here for? what do i like to do? i want to paint, i want to watch other people enjoy learning something new, i want to be included in or witness to someones passions, i want to find my friendship in the nonhuman again. i miss rosie so much. i miss all the animals i cant talk to anymore like ed and zoey. at least rosies still alive. and gigi is too, and tally. so many friends of mine are so far away now. learning over and over that i am so terribly lonely here! i think maybe im beyond sad about h. this hasnt been a very good relationship but i havent been well or strong or brave enough to end it even when its really bad or even when its not so aggressively bad but just so bald faced in its discrepancies that it doesnt make any sense to keep going. for some reason i keep going. for love or habit i do not know. i dont feel loveless like i did with m but i dont feel like the love is enough most days. im tired of writing in my journal about him. i want him to matter less in some ways, maybe just matter less in the darker matters of the heart. i saw o's play and we spent some time together. theyre so magical and i can see so pure as day why we didnt work out. exactly what i admire about them is the thing i cannot stand! funny how it works sometimes. im glad to see them a little again, a year from when we did last. always the end of summer with that one. i miss my apartment, my new house is quiet but lonely without my ghosts. the fellow above the doorframe threw the picture one last time at h while he was scolding me which was really funny but a bit naughty. not that h would know or understand necessarily. yes, tired and lonely. one day soon maybe ill feel a bit better, or at the very least, different.

[aamethyst000]

Another Late night May 5,24 - 3:07am

Even when i take my meds, i cant seem to sleep. so i think i may need those melatonin stuff, i think ill take them in gummy form. now that i have emulators downloaded, i think that is what ill use up my time for. Especially if i cant sleep. Change of subject, since i havent worked for a whole ass year now, i am just going to start looking for a job. at least, what i can do here in this small(ish) village (i say "ish" because, as ive been told on may occasions, we arent exactly "small" we have about 4200 and more while the other villages has way less than that). there isnt much to do, and i want to save up money to move and possibly visit my older brother who lives down south. since ive been planning this for years, i have been getting better at saving up my money. so far, the method i have been using is working now. i got less than i have hoped but it is way better than nothing (i definitely would have cried about having no savings). im just so worried about never having enough. since prices have gone up, it has been making me very hesitant about moving anywhere. owning is too expensive, renting is way out of my limit, even with one other roommate. it got to the point where i added another person to my personal plan to move down south. I dont mind it, since its my best friend. but i also have plans to move in with my brother too. whoc was my original plan; find an appartment and move in with him.

then, after my little brother graduates, he and i can save up and have him move in with us! i want that more than anything. Before this whole ordeal. i wanted to move in with my 2(two) childhood best friends. then shit happens in our own life, individually that is, like, it got so bad that we drifted apart and it is not even our own fault (or am i just making an excuse for us?). It sucks, but what can i do? one lives in the same village as i do and i hardly go to see her, the other lives in town and she, herself, doesnt go see anyone othere than her immediate family. shit got crazy during our teen years man, it isnt even funny.

anyway, i figured, since i cant fall asleep, il just use this time to rant/vent about whatever was on my mind. and it seems to be on the past, im trying to let that go but i cant, or rather, i dont want to. cause as much as i hated being that young and naive, and those shit happening to us and around us. there were good moments that over ride the bad in my life, and i am desperately clinging on to that hope and happiness i had before turning 13-14. and that is way too young to be left undiagnosed and depressed.

but who would believe a teenager actually being depressed? we were "attention seekers" and "trend follower" (to be very fair though, i really did try to follow a lot of trends in my life) there was even a moment where i went to this little convention event thingy that was going on in my village, and it was about suicide prevention. so, i decided to go, because if i wasnt going to get help from my own family, i may as well get it from somewhere else (i really was trying so hard to activly not look for bad habits to start on, one of them was already developing without me knowing or realizing...so). when i got there, and we got into a circle to introducing ourselves, open up and talk. the instructor said to talk about why some of us choose to go to that event, so when it was my turn. i talked about how i--

((((by the way, very strong TRIGGER WARNING!!!! talks about suicide attempt and possible eating disorder))))

--was feeling so alone and just so very lost and caged up because of my ex boyfriend, i sat there on my bed with scissors i grabbed from the kitchen and just stared at my arm. i didnt message anyone, or even write a letter. i just wanted out. i opened the scissors enough to make it easy to hurt myself, that part alone i was trying to figure out how i should do it. that thought did scare me at the time but it does now, holy shit. anyway, i made the decision and then, like a movie theatre, memories of both my brothers played in my head, their smiles and laughter loud and clear for me. like someone was there just waiting for the right moment to show me them, who ever they were, im glad and thankful. because at the very lowest moment of my life, i was already struggling with my eating habits. there was no inbetween for me. i either ate a lot, enough to be "teased" about looking or "being preggo" which is sick by the way when your teasing a literal MINOR (12 through 17) about being pregnant. like, why would you even do that? anyway, it wasnt my family that unintentionally helped me develop those bad eating habits. it was my friends and me comparing myself to every girl and characters out there.

i didnt care that it was a bad thing to get into at the time, to me, i was surrounded by girls that were skinnier than me, or, who i thought were skinnier than me. ive seen photos that my family and friends took of me, i cannot believe that i ever thought i was ever fat, ever, but i guess thats what low self esteem and bad comparisons does to you. i mustve been looking through foggy mirrors how dysphoric(???) i fucking felt. it was so bad that most days i choose to either have one meal or throw that plate away in my own garbage bag and just have a toast for my first "meal". i didnt care about the calories i was eating up, or lack therof, like raw ichiban, dry cereal, or just popcorn, and on "good days" i let myself have pop and chips with my first meal which is usually dinner time. it made a bigger effect on me when my little brothers dad decided to act like a total bitch and not get any proper groceries and just get chicken nuggets, ichiban, cereal, hot dogs, milk, and rice.

so, i forgot to mention, but i was 16 when all of this was overwhelming me and when i nearly took my own life. i didnt tell this story as detailed as i did while in the circle, but as soon as i finished, feeling (while it was very short lived) lighter after i told my reasoning, you know what i heard? on my right, this elder lady: *snickers* "im sorry, i didnt mean to laugh, but i think that was cute. that was all?" i didnt hear the rest because i was ready to cry again. how can you say that? i shut down for the rest of my time there. i dont remember how long that event went, but i knew from there on, not to ever open up here in the village. ever. mind you, there were other servivors who talked about their own stories in their own ways but why was i laughed at? How in the ever loving fuck is what i almost did "cute"? how was my story not made a big deal just like the others? i wish i knew but that fucking hurt like hell.

((((END of TRIGGER WARNING))))

wow. i did not think that this would be a big post (journal entry) but here we are. im not going to lie, im still feeling iffy about posting this. or if i want to delete that whole section and just say " id rather not go into detail about my...." idk what else to call it other than my lowest point. i dont know what else to write about so i am going to get ready for bed and see if i can fall asleep after having a toke. cause right now, it is currently 4:16am and i want to get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight, or at least try to. hopefully i feel better after writing this out and sleeping on this. we shall see tomorrow.

good night.