jess-mortimer-chappell

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

Some Days...

This one sat in my drafts for years somehow....it just goes to show how I have grown and healed as this is where I sat for so long....

Sometimes it feels like my soul is a black hole...that even with all of the love I feel and am surrounded by sometimes is over cast by the darkness that looms in the back of my very being...it feels like a black fire lying beneath my blood under the veins of red that carry the life and love I have its hiding underneath waiting to be released into my bloodstream to over take my system and turn it black...it starts slow like a drip a small cut into the fabric of my life just enough to let that blackness leak slowing into my being and slowly it fills my body and mind and soul...until I wake up one day and all I see is darkness no matter how brightly the sun floods my room and wakes me with warmth on my face I open my eyes and feel the anger, the hatred, the worthlessness...the emptiness and it consumes me...days like this it takes everything in me to get out of bed...and most days I regret getting up...I would rather just sleep if I must be alive...sleeping through the pain is the easiest way of dealing with it though I know that it really isnt dealing with it...it just pushes it down and still remains...sometimes I can sleep and it will be gone by the time I wake up but often it still is there in some form...a headache, stomach ache...physical pain or lack of energy...some times I just cry...and cry until I physically can not cry any more...some times I distract myself by focusing on another persons issues....try to trick myself in to thinking i am actually useful...that I have purpose...that I am not a complete waste of time and space...it works sometimes...other times my mind just floods with all the reasons I shouldn't be here...all the lives I would have not damaged with just my actions, words and presence. How even now I dont  really make a difference...I have failed so much in life...I failed at being a daughter...I am a disappointment in the eyes of those that really matter to me I let them down...hurt them. Pushed them away i still keep my distance to help make it easier to not remind myself of how much I have failed them...I failed at so many friendships. Relationships...who am I trying to fool that I could possibly be happy now...that in some twisted world I could deserve happiness...I’ve found it...but I must be stupid to think that I actually deserve this that I am worthy of such a great love...even if I dont deserve it I want it so badly and I will keep pushing for it even if I am wrong...another trait I suppose and that's my selfishness...I’ve failed at being a mother...though I really feel like it saved me...but at what cost...I’ve brought 3 children into this world...with two people that dont even care for them...that treated me like garbage and now dont even make an effort. I set them up for failure by not being more careful...i’ve passed down my issues of depression and god knows what else to them...how is that right or fair to do...they never asked to be here.I’ve gotten to this point hell lets call it mid life....im surprised ive even made it this far...each and every day surprises me more and more that im still here...and some days are better some days i feel like i will make a difference that i am a good mother daughter friend and girlfriend...but some days...a lot of days...Im no different that shit...i’ve got to get better at life...i cant keep going back and forth...its not fair to those who care about me...why in the hell they make that mistake who knows but they have and i cant keep putting them or myself through this...I’ve got to figure it out and keep on going some how...

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

My adventure into love...

14 year old me had a rough go at life...I had been through a lot of just bad...and in the midst of what I consider Hell...I met the sweetest soul...the kindest boy my teenage soul had ever encountered...this boy...would turn into my best friend..my light in all the darkness...though I would never tell him...I wouldn't risk losing that light... that friendship..so I kept him close as my friend wanting more of course but I was a silly girl...we would be separated by time and by life...we would stay in touch..always such a good friend..I learned so many life lessons...many that were so hard to learn...and took so much time...we both went through relationships that left use drained and empty...but with blessings...our children..the heartache..the abuse we both endured had blessings along the way..and never losing tough we would support each other in friendship...then I had enough...I couldn't let my children see me the way I was...I couldn't let them grow up and think that type of relationship was acceptable and I never want them to settle..so I left..I packed everything in my car that meant anything to me...and I moved across the county..from east coast to west..and I started over...it has been the best decision I have ever made..I found a crap job at first lol but then found the best one I have ever had...I feel like I make a difference for once and that I am valued...then who knew that my best friend..my light would also be waiting for me here...he turned into my love and my light...he has made me feel needed,loved,wanted,he has been a true partner...this love...one i never thought would come to be...one of innocent friendship turned true love...the feeling of peace and wholeness that I have found is so hard to put into words yet I wish this feeling could be described...and I hope everyone experiences in their lifetime...No I don't know where this journey will lead but I look forward to walking the rest of this life with him by my side and in my heart... for as long as he will have me..

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

Wholeness...

I read somewhere recent a thought that “Happiness is not a permanent state of being or mind...but wholeness can be”...and it really struck me...I have spent so much time and energy pushing the thought that “happiness” must be constant but it really isn't and doesn't have to be...it has helped me with not only myself but my significant other...we both strive to bring happiness to the other...it is a daily goal...and while often we ask the other “are you happy?” the answer is “you make me happy” but we both have days of fighting with the demons inside. For me depression never goes away...sometimes it’s voice is a whisper that I can drown out with my day to day...but then I have days where it’s the loudest sound I can hear....but it doesn’t mean I am not “happy”. Happy is just not a constant state...but I have found my wholeness....I have fought my way through abuse,drugs,self harm,depression,destructive relationships,and a lot of general crazy shit...and i have went through years of feeling like I wasn’t good enough, and that I didn’t deserve “happiness” which I now know as wholeness...but I have overcome it and I still have struggles but for the first time in my life...I feel whole...and a lot of that comes from my partner...I am blessed to have someone who was always there as a friend...grow into this amazing partnership and love that I really never thought I would find in this lifetime...and we do push to bring happiness to the other each and every day...the best thing is our presence alone by each other’s side brings that sense of complete that wholeness... my hope is that everyone that struggles...with whatever demons you fight...instead of looking to always be happy...look for what makes you feel whole...it isnt always a person..maybe its what you do in your life...the differences you make the impact you spread...whatever brings that warm feeling of being complete look for that...you will have good days and bad days you will have days of happy and sad they come and go...but once you found that feeling of being whole....getting through the bad is always worth it...it helps you feel that you have a purpose and that you make a difference and for me that comes with the bonus of having the love and light of my life next to me to enjoy what this life has to bring for us....I finally feel like I am healing and that everything....all of it...was worth it...

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

Love is what you make it...and it may not be enough...dont worry this isnt a sad tale...

I find myself engulfed in this overwhelming feeling of love and peace...Never have I felt such a feeling..this love is like breathing...it fills me with peace and calm...and makes me whole...Many say love is work but I disagree..we as humans are work...we have to work to make sure we are happy with ourselves and work on the things we wish to change...but love...no love isnt work...its breathing and calm and peace...that feeling that everything is ok even when the world around you is not...its that after a long terrible day you come home and are flooded with acceptance and warmth..that feeling that everything will be ok...the acceptance and understanding of your love language or in my case the understanding the need of all of them... It was not until I started a relationship with my partner that I understood why all of my past relationships never worked...and part of it was me I am not perfect but a big part was the incompatibility that was there...having now met my other half..my true equal and love we are so compatible its scary....this love scares me because never before had I felt complete...I over compensated for my past partners lack of understanding of my needs thinking that if I tried hard enough to make them happy I would in turn be happy...man was I a fool...but it taught me that even though now with my love my light I want him to be happy above all else...if he didn't want the same for me it wouldn't work...if either of us was only focused on our own happiness we would never make the other happy...we listen...we ask...we talk and discuss everything...and even though we both chose to start life over at 30 we knew from our failures in the past exactly what we wanted and were both upfront with the other about that...TRUST...it is amazing how much that matters and how the lack of it dooms you....we trust each other...we trust that we will talk to each other if something is wrong even if we are shamed by it even if we know the other can not fix it we communicate and we tell each other what we need and sometimes its nothing sometimes its space and sometimes its touch...we are open and honest...even at the expense of our own happiness because we both need that honesty and trust to be happy...I mean it when i say sometimes LOVE ISNT ENOUGH and that is ok...you can love the wrong people you can love the worst things about you and as long as you are happy as long as you know than it will work out of you...but if you feel empty...incomplete...lost and alone surround by the ones you love than maybe just maybe LOVE ISNT ENOUGH...you have to figure that out for yourself and many people are fine for settling for just ok or just enough....but when I tell you that if you dont settle and you look for that feeling of being needed,wanted,desired,and loved once you found that person that fills you with everything you have ever been missing that hole you just couldn't fill...once you do it is the best feeling in the world...and once you have it...going back to just ok...its never the same...I have been through hell...I put myself through hell...but you know what...now I know it was worth it...this feeling I share with my love...being able to have this with him...being able to appreciate it because of the hell I have went through...I wouldn't change a damn thing..I hope everyone finds this...I hope everyone finds their true equal in love and life..

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

Love and Treading Water

People who have known me more than a few years, have mentioned to me how happy I am now...the smile that lights up my face when I talk about my boyfriend and my kids...the difference I show in my passions in life...then I have a bad day..and they blow it off like oh you just woke up angry or depressed...the truth is yes..I have never and I really mean never have I been this happy...I am in a healthy,balanced,and loving relationship with a man that has always been a part of my life...he brings out the best in me...he inspires me to be a better person and gives me hope for the future..but even with all the happiness he brings my depression will never go away...I have days where it is easier to deal with and I have really bad days that it takes all I have to stay afloat....I tread water and have my life preserver near by...the difference now is I also have him and he not only supports me and is there for me but understands on the same level what it means to barely be holding on...to just have your head above the water...and he gets it...he doesn't use it against me....he doesn't try to fix me...he knows we are broken and can never fully be fixed...but having someone there with you in the water to help you stay afloat even if its just to support you and tell you to find one thing to do today and then another and that you just have to make it through one more day...each and every day...that is the difference...that is love..and understanding and acceptance...and I am so blessed to have finally found honest love...it took awhile...it took some really bad relationships...but each and everyone one of those helped me to see what love was and what it wasn't it helped me grow and I can honestly say without the past I would not appreciate the now...I had to go through that shit for my ...what I feel and hope is my happily ever after...my version that is...I feel I have a purpose...and that helps me keep going...when I have those hard days knowing I have someone that will just listen or just hold me or see through the bullshit I put myself down for and tell me not to listen...that makes all the difference... I have never looked forward to waking up each morning and sleeping each night until now...my entire life has been blessed with this light...he is my sun and stars...the light in my darkness...and inspires me each and every day...I am thankful for your love...I am thankful to all those who never stop checking on me...making sure I am still treading water...you have also helped me get to this point...just by pushing me a little on that life preserver... you helped...thank you..you helped save a life and you didnt even know... my boyfriend shall remain anonymous for now...but know...I am happy and loved..I feel needed...wanted...and loved...I finally have found my place in the world and it is by his side...

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

Love....What the F#*K!

People have it in their heads that love is enough...if you love someone, nothing else matters...and its bullshit it really is...love isn't like the movies and it's not something you should have to work at...do you have to work to fix your own damn flaws ? Sure, if you are not happy with them but love isn't something you work at love should be as easy as breathing and if it's not then you either live with it or find what you want love to be for you

If the other person wants love to be something different than what you want that's a incompatibility...that was the issue I've had my whole life and now I have finally learned a lesson my  Dad taught me long ago about life overall and that is to stop  lowering my expectations for others to meet. Now I have found someone who met the high fucking expectations i had set for what love was for me....and not everyone finds that people settle and a lot of people are happy settling but not everyone is..and once you see that you have to make the choose to either live with it or find what you are looking for..you see now that you have different exceptions for love than the other person does and no matter what they can not ever change to be that no matter what they think. They also have to accept that and go find someone that meets their expectations...Now if that person ever really cared about you or even loved you then they would want you to be happy they should want you to be happy even if its not with them...that's what love is all about....well ya know according to me

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

After the storm...

Sometimes it is easier for me to just write shit down as it flows through my brain....sometimes it is an over flow of just thoughts and feelings...sometimes actual coherent bullshit is there as well...

At times I find myself just sitting for a moment and transported back to hell...where I dont feel....dont think...just exist...the only time I feel like a person...where I feel complete is when I am with you...I leave the shell of who I was...you are my sun and stars...the only light in my world...you light up my darkness like a shiny star and at times burn brighter than the sun...but I also love that you too have darkness and our darkness knows one another...you make be feel that it is ok to have both the light and dark and somehow everything will be ok....you see me...really see me who I am...what makes me who I am and you accept it...you love me and you are not afraid of the love we have..you dont hide from it and you let it wash over you and become a part of who you are as well...

even with this all of this...I am still afraid...I have been used and hurt by so many before you that promised me the world and their love as well...they promised me loyalty and laughed behind my back as I was a fool to trust them...it will take time...you have my trust....but myself doubt and hatred wont allow me to believe it fully....it is getting easier with each passing day...but sometimes especially when you are gone....those thoughts creep into my head and remind me of all my failure...its hard to drown them out...but I keep fighting...I am fighting for my happiness because now I now it is possible...now I know what love truly is...and my future is brighter now because it holds you..and us...and I can see us having a grand adventure in this life...together...

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

Hope, New Beginnings, and Endings....

For once in a very long time, I think my life is about to take a turn for the good....it will take time...18 months to be exact... but if all goes as planned I will be able to have a fresh start in life.... I will be done with school and a whole new world will open up...I have for far to long been held down and held back from being happy...from being so much more...I know I have it in me to do great things and bring happiness to those around me...if given the chance...

Love is a funny thing...you go through phases in your life... some say you have three stages of love or three different kinds of love...each one there to teach you something to help you grow...

Love for me has been hard my whole life....My birth mother betrayed me in ways no child should ever have to endure... She abandoned me at a very young age and then years later tried to come back and made empty promises and would get my hopes up only to tear it down... She allowed me to be physically and emotionally abused and encouraged and part took of the abuse....all i ever wanted was her LOVE...  Her abused and betrayal taught me at a young age that if I couldn't trust the one person who’s love was suppose to be unconditional than how could I ever trust anyone and how could I know what love really was.

Hate is what really sits in the center of my heart and it is black as tar...and it grows with each fight that I have with my spouse...maybe he loved me once...maybe he actually showed me love at one point.... it has been so long I can not remember any longer... But now he shows resentment, regret, anger and dissatisfaction... always looking for a way out but only if he can blame me...

Love is there for me....I know it is... I see it on the horizon...upon a sailboat out on the sea... waiting for me to sail away....

I just have to be patient and bide my time and one day...love will take me away and allow me to be happy and free, and finally I will be loved for just me...

Falling In Love the 1st Time: The Love that Looks Right

It’s been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime. Yet, it’s also believed that we need each of these loves for a different reason.

Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairy tales we read as children.

Falling In Love the 2nd Time: The Hard Love

The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation.

We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before.

Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this storyline, because it’s the emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high.

With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should.

Falling In Love the 3rd Time: The Love that Lasts

And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.

This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.

We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.

It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.

This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer.

Those who make it to their third love are really the lucky ones.

They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love.

But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not.

Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now.

What it really comes down to is if we are limited by how we love, or instead love without limits. We can all choose to stay with our first love, the one that looks good and will make everyone else happy. We can choose to stay with our second under the belief that if we don’t have to fight for it, then it’s not worth having—or we can make the choice to believe in the third love.

The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after.

And maybe there’s something special about our first love, and something heartbreakingly unique about our second…but there’s also just something pretty amazing about our third.

The one we never see coming. The one that actually lasts. The one that shows us why it never worked out before.

And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love.

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/11/we-only-fall-in-love-with-3-people-in-our-lifetime-each-one-for-a-specific-reason/

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

Get to know me more :)

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

After a much-needed conversation with my most respected spiritual and life go to person I'm going to make this statement my Facebook is for me to put my opinions and to share my life with far off friends and family a way to stay connected while I am busy with school work and life in general I'm not going to debate My Views with anyone I know that I will never change anyone's opinion over the internet and that is not my intent and for those of you who care for me and my family but disagree with our opinions please remember that Family Ties should be stronger than political and religious views if something was to happen to you tomorrow I would be there because I love and care for you regardless of how you believe I believe each one of you to be a good person and I hope you would do the same for me so if you disagree with My Views just scroll past the post can remember that family will always be stronger if we leave our religious and political views out of it. I love you all and if you feel that you can no longer have me as part of your family or friends because you cannot respect my feelings of not wanting to debate religion and politics then please remove me from your life as there is nothing more that I can do then agree to disagree and I believe we can all do that and still love each other family is always more important then how we view the world

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

you think you know me ? ?

there are those around me that think they know who I am or what I am Capable of , but I barely know me and I've changed in So many ways in such a short time that there is no one who really knows me not even Myself. It is a very lonely feeling .....

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

I use to write often when I was younger but then everything I had written was taken from me & burned …. by a person who I never should have trusted. Ever since then there have been times I would begin to write only to be haunted by all that I lost and would again stop, Only now that I am in college and have to write often do I feel Comfortable writing once More. It helps it really does I have so much built up inside of me with no one to really talk to about it I hope through this outlet I can find the peace I am Searching for. Please excuse the random upper case letters I am using screen write with my styles pen as it is the comfort of my own handwriting which also helps me but for Some reason it thinks I randomly use upper case letters. I am unsure of what exactly I will write or how Often but I need this venting post to help me express what I need to at the time. I will treat it as an open Journal where I may ask the world questions and if you have an answer please post it if you have a question please ask it I hope for this to be interactive and a way for me to more new friends and become closer to those around me. So thats that and welcome to my Wonderland.

[jess-mortimer-chappell]

We are all mad here.

Alice in Wonderland