#i think i made myself too upset writing this actually. im gonna go fuck off now

[cryptiiids]

i aint frustrated with my art or anything but i am frustrated w how long it takes me to finish a piece. ya feel me

[carmenized-onions]

as soon as i read the word ‘amish’ i physically recoiled because i just knew you would mess with my mental stability this chapter!

ignore how much of a shambles this is, i start off coherent but end up just making incomprehensible statements so don’t worry if you need help translating! i just wanted to make sure i gave you an idea of HOW FUCKING GOOD THIS WAS

i love the way you wrote this interaction, like i feel like it’s perfectly both average and extraordinary if that makes sense - which perfectly sets up what mikey and chips friendship was omg you are too good

of course he won’t let you have peace that’s literally a member of the berzatto family they haven’t known a moment of peace in their lives

MIKEYS ALWAYS SEEN YOU and fixer friend combo is insane don’t play with me

love me some divorce era richie angst

i’ve never heard the word jamoke before i had to google it is that so british of me

“you’re not gonna remember that” oh sweetie you will remember richie because i will make you remember

they are my fav comedic duo #guarddog vibes

a moment for the pork sandwich, and the yoink

i don’t want to go back to a time where mikey wasn’t there after reading this first section, like it’s too much

wait you giving me carmens pov of his worst friday ever is enough for me to slightly forgive you for mikey tb

random but i want to know what chips handwriting looks like - i know it’s a reader x carmy book but she’s basically an oc in my head now

no way chip is a youngest child wtf

no one gets being the guy like mikey and chip i fear

she keeps kid band aids in her wallet oh yes

YOU FUCKING TELL HIM carmy (im still mad at you btw)

her being mikeys sponsor i can’t i really cant do it

she quit being an emt for him

this is almost as painful as hearing him call her a failure

“im not a fucking patient chip” - oh you berzattos when you feel vulnerable

jazz hands away the awkwardness so real

never assume they are together ever ever

chip will not listen to people calling addicted junkies ever

the whimsy is gone

no.

get him syd go for the jugular

they’re multiplying DONT MAKE ME LAUGH NINE FAKS

eva’s richie she’s a little richie “insane uncle”

no … not the funeral … NOOOOO

she is a patoot!!!! she really is!!!!

performance anxiety… girl that’s your brother

it’s still michael’s office

richie the book nerd era

i took no notes after this as i was too upset!!! i’m sorry all i can say is it’s ur fault for being too good

IT’S THE FINAL ASK BEFORE WE UPLOAD NEXT CHAP BABY LETS FUCKING GO I DID IT I DID IT IN A NIGHT I’M GONNA BUY MYSELF LUNCH IN THE MORNING CAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO MAKE ONE TONIGHT LMAO who wants to donate to my ko-fi kidding kidding kidding

I WAS SOOOO HOPING FOR THAT RECOIL. What I love about the “what are you amish” is that I don’t know if everyone remembered— But that story chip told was so specific and so immediately upon seeing amish which has only been used one other time, it IMMEDIATELY TRANSPORTS YOU AND I LOVE THAT. 

Thank you thank you thank you— Any thoughts are good thoughts and you’ve always sent the most wonderful analysis’ so to see you rendered kind of speechless really is a genuine tremendous honour so thank you I do appreciate i DO!

I absolutely wanted that like perfectly average yet extraordinary meeting— It’s like Tina and Mikey meeting to me— Or even honestly like, us as viewers meeting Mikey for the first time in his first scenes he actually speaks in— Those were genuinely so magical to me. It was like getting to meet the fucking wizard. Or the ghost that haunts us. Two things can be true. 

This family doesn’t know the WORD peace, they know the word piece. Like pieces? Is that what you ordered? Torn to pieces u say? FIXER FRIEENNDDDD!! I can’t believe Jamoke hadn’t made it across the pond until now. Happy to educate. Had to look up if Jamoke is used in chicago— A solid 5 articles came up so I think I’m good. 

Genuinely while writing everytime I had to switch I was like MOM DONT MAKE ME GO OVER THERE I HATE IT THERE!!! And then I’d get stuck in and have a lot of fun, and then I’d have to switch back, and the cycle would repeat. 

Ahhh Chip’s handwriting. What would it look like? I feel like it’s gotta be either really neat like wrote the most insane school notes in college with mildliners and everything or it’s literally fucking incoherent. Maybe both. When she’s got time it’s the first, when she doesn’t, it’s the second.

I WILL NOT TAKE YOUNGEST CHILD SLANDER ITS MY TURN ON THE XBOX I GET TO CHOOSE THE SIBLING DYNAMIC REPRESENTATION!!!! No one’s gonna ever get being the Guy like Chip and Mikey (and her child bandaids)

I should clarify also— Did Mikey’s OD act as the final nail in the coffin of quitting? A million times yes. Does Mikey think she abandoned the career for him? A million times yes. But she really WAS considering quitting already— SHE GETS TO MAKE THE CALL OF WHAT SHE BETS ON MIKEY YOU FUCKER !!!!

Berzattos when anyone tries to take care of them in any way: Oh so you think i’m fucking crazy? You think I need to be put in a ward? I’m going to prove you wrong by going ape shit right now.

Chip gets so defensive over Carmen sayin’ junkie ESPECIALLY because Mikey said it about himself!! To hear the brother that Mikey loved so much say that shit OH her blood was boiling. Jazz hands the pain away. Sydney get his ass. 

Faks are multiplying, Richie is multiplying with a little Eva— PEOPLE GET PERFORMANCE ANXIETY OVER A LOT OF THINGS— I GET PERFORMANCE ANXIETY WHEN I MAKE TUMBLR POSTS OKAY

I don’t honestly remember if I intentionally wrote it being ‘he goes back to Michael’s office’. I hope i did that intentionally because it’s fucking gutting. I also did forget they redid the office in S2— Which like. Why. Why are we spending any of the budget on anything not required. I dont. Gettit. Regardless, in CK, it’s absolutely the old shitty S1 office and i have NO intention of changing that. 

Thank you for these thoughts i would spend so much longer thanking you but we have to get thIS FUCKING CHAPTER OUT BECAUSE I WANT TO REREAD IT BEFORE BED THERES NO TIME I LOVE YOU LOVE YOU NEW CHAPTER IN LIKE 10 MINUTES OKAY PROBABLY LESS

[mackenzielovee]

heyy! can you do an angsty one where rafe and the reader are “friends,” for a long time, they’ve been in the same friend group and she’s been with love with him for a while now, and he knows and uses that for his advantage. she always does stuff for him, help him whenever he needed and more, and he treats her pretty badly/rudely in return. their friends (top n kelce,) always try to tell him to stop and more and finally she’s had enough she confronts him and show how much he was actually draining her, and he acts like he doesn’t care but he does realize what he was doing, but meanwhile he’s reflecting on his actions, y/n is getting closer to jj? thanks lol the end is up to you. love u and ur fics <3

a/n: hi love! im so sorry it took me so long to write this. I hope you love it!! it took me forever to finish hahaha but i loved writing it!

Warnings: swearing, underage drinking

my writing

pretty damn lucky - rafe cameron

You sigh as you pull Rafe's fresh sheets from the dryer, breathing in the scent of the detergent mixed with the scent of him. He and the boys had way too much to drink last night, which resulted in Rafe getting sick all over his bed when they got home. You had stripped his sheets immediately and put them in the wash, then made a makeshift bed for Rafe on the floor with all of his blankets.

He had grunted at you in return for all your work, collapsing down on the floor and passing out before you could even say goodnight to him.

You had washed the sheets once again this morning when you woke up, then stuck them in the dryer and waited on them.

Topper groans on the couch as you pass him on your way to Rafe's room. You stop and chuckle, watching as he hesitantly opens his eyes.

"Oh, fuck," Topper grumbles as he sits up, clutching his head.

"I think you guys brought the bar home with you."

He glances up, eyes meeting yours, and groans. You laugh and step over to him, taking a seat on the couch beside him.

"Can I get you anything?" you ask him.

"Yeah, a time machine. Don't let me drink so much," he whines, collapsing back down on the couch. You stand, letting out a laugh.

"Water and aspirin. Got it."

You walk up the stairs and stop in front of Rafe's bedroom door, knocking on it lightly before you peak your head in. He's still laying on the floor, but you can't tell if he's awake or not. You stop inside, warm sheets in hand, and close the door behind you. He grunts at the noise, but it's not enough to make him open his eyes.

"Hey," you say to him, "I washed your sheets. How are you feeling?"

Rafe moves on the floor, opening his eyes only enough to see you, then rolls back to his initial spot and closes his eyes again.

"Just put the sheets back on, I want my bed."

You sigh and nod your head, stepping over to his bed to start making it. You watch him as you work, laying on the floor, mouth parted slightly and eyebrows furrowed as he tries to focus on not throwing up again.

"Okay," you whisper once his bed is made, "Come on. I'll help you."

Rafe allows you to wrap your arms around his torso, helping him stand from off the floor. He leans all his weight on you as you two stumble over to his bed, then he collapses onto it. You cover him with his comforter and then fix his hair so it's not sitting in his eyes anymore. He doesn't say anything at your movements.

"I'll get you some water and some medicine. Be back in a minute," you whisper to him. He just nods as best he can.

You hurry back down the stairs, rushing past Topper and into the kitchen. You grab two water bottles out of the fridge and then rifle through the cabinets until you find a bottle of aspirin. As you walk from the kitchen to Topper on the couch, you stop in your tracks.

"Topper," you say, your voice authoritative, "Where is Kelce?"

Topper laughs, which is how you know it's bad. You hadn't noticed that they were one friend light when they stumbled in last night, mostly because you had been too worried about Rafe to be concerned with where Topper and Kelce crashed.

"He fell down outside last night. I'm pretty sure we just left him there."

You sigh loudly, handing him a bottle of water and aspirin as you swear and rush to the front door. As you approach, you can already see him, face up in the Cameron's new flower bed that Rose had worked so hard to make perfect. You open the door and rush to Kelce, annoyed with the boys for not even telling you he was out here.

"Kelce?" you question, stirring him awake, "You alive in there?"

Kelce sits up, as if you'd awakened him from a dream, and glances around. He looks at you and then down to the clothes he's in, and you watch as his eyes widen.

"Those motherfuckers did not leave me out here," he gasps.

"Kelce, I'm so sorry. I had no idea you were out here-"

"I'm going to kill them - ow."

He tries to stand up, but the throbbing of his head makes him fall back down into the dirt again. You grab onto his arm and try to help him up, noting how you do most of the work. When he's finally upright, you brush off the dirt from his back and then lead him inside.

"Shit," he mutters, "My stomach. I'm gonna need to eat."

"I'm on it," you tell him, leading him into the living room and placing him on the couch next to Topper.

"Hey, man," Topper greets, "Rose sure will be happy you observed the flowers so...closely."

"Shut the fuck up, Top," Kelce snaps, reaching over and punching Topper in the chest. He groans at his head and sits back again, making you laugh.

"All right," you declare, picking up the aspirin and water bottle for Rafe, "Eggs? Toast? Bacon? Sound good?"

Kelce nods his head and Topper looks at you, already looking better with the water and medicine in his system.

"Hey, thank you, Y/N. For always taking care of us," Topper smiles at you.

"Yeah," Kelce agrees, "I'd still be lying in a bush outside if it weren't for you. Thank you."

You smile at them and shake your head, "Of course, boys. Back in a minute. Kelce, don't kill Top. Please."

Kelce grunts, telling you he's still debating if he will or not. You laugh and then rush back up the stairs, hoping Rafe is still alive up there. You knock softly on his door when you reach it, not wanting to just bust in on him.

"Rafe?" you say when you walk in, seeing him laying in the exact same position he had been when you left him.

"What took you so long?" he grumbles.

"I'm sorry," you say, sitting down beside him on his bed, "You guys left Kelce outside and-"

"Do you have the aspirin or what?"

You sigh and nod, handing him the pill bottle and a bottle of water. He sits up, hair messy and eyes only half open, and pours three pills into his hand. You stare at him, observing his sharp jaw line and his soft skin, and you can't help but wonder what it would be like to be able to feel him. Touch him. Love on him the way you've been dreaming about since the day you met him.

"Do you want me to make you something to eat?"

Rafe swallows the pills, then brings his eyes up to meet yours, "That breakfast place I love. Why don't you go pick us all up something? Card's in my wallet."

He lays back down, which is his way of excusing you from the room. You just nod your head and grab his card out of his wallet.

"And move the seat back in my truck when you get back. I always hit my head when I get in after you."

"All right," you say quietly, wishing he'd at least say a 'please' or 'thank you'.

You take orders from Topper and Kelce, then hurry out to Rafe's truck. You have to move the seat way up in order to drive the truck, and you make a mental note to move it back when you get back to the house.

You pull up to the restaurant and climb out of the truck, fumbling with the keys and your purse and Rafe's card, too wrapped up in yourself to notice the blonde boy standing about five feet from you.

"Damn, I didn't expect someone as pretty as you to hop out of that truck," JJ smirks at you, watching your eyes shoot up to him.

You smile, "Hi, JJ."

"How are you?" he asks, cheeky look on his face.

You set your hands on your hips, keys and card tucked between your fingers, as you observe what you're wearing for the first time. You'd snuck one of Rafe's Kildare Island shirts from his dresser last night and had on jean shorts underneath.

"Y'know," you shrug, "You like this place, too?"

"Ah, little pretentious, but the food's acceptable," he teases, "You eating alone?"

"No. Just picking up food for Rafe and his friends."

"What, are you his assistant or something? Tell Cameron to pick up his own food," JJ huffs.

He'd never tell you, not wanting to upset you, but he's hated watching you run around the island as Rafe's bitch since you met him. JJ's been dying to hang out with you, even asked you a few times, but you always say no because you're on some sort of mission for Rafe.

"It's just a breakfast order," you reply, starting to inch toward the restaurant.

"Just a breakfast order," he shrugs, "Just getting him a beer every time he asks, just following him around like a lost puppy, just-"

"Okay," you stop him, "I'm a big girl, JJ. I can take care of myself."

You turn and start to walk away from him, trying to brush off his 'lost puppy' remark. He groans loudly, which is enough to earn your attention back.

"Prove it," he yells out, making you turn, "Tonight. There's a thing down at the beach. Meet me."

You start to shake your head, but he steps toward you and stops you. He runs a hand through his blonde hair, messing it up even more than it already is.

"JJ-"

"Come on, Y/N. Take the Kook chains off for one night. Please. Rafe can do his own dishes and get his own drinks."

You sigh, glancing down at your feet before back up to him, "Maybe."

"Ah- you know what? That's better than a no. I'll take it."

You nod at him, trying your best not to smile too wide, then point to the building. You start to back off, but you keep your eyes fixed on the blonde boy.

"What time? You know, if I decide to come."

JJ smiles wider than he had the entire conversation, "Seven."

You smile back at him, then turn and walk away before you can get even more wrapped up in this boy.

"What the hell took you so long?" Rafe questions as you walk through the door with several bags filled with food.

"Sorry," you sigh at him, "Got caught up."

Kelce and Topper stand up and step to you, taking the bags from you. You thank them quietly, watching as Rafe rolls his eyes and stands from his place on the couch.

"Yeah, never mind the fact that I'm starving to death," he mutters.

"Rafe, come on, man," Topper smacks Rafe on the chest, trying to get him to chill out.

"Yeah, quit being a dick," Kelce tells him.

Topper starts to unload the food from the bags while Kelce leans down and gives you a friendly kiss on the cheek. You smile gently, glancing up to see Rafe watching with his jaw clenched. You try to put distance in between you, but Rafe doesn't seem to care about your efforts.

"Thanks for running to get it, Y/N," Topper smiles to you.

"You're welcome."

"Did you put my seat back, at least?" Rafe asks you, swiping his car keys from the counter where you set them.

"Yes, of course," you reply.

"Of course," he mutters, "You never do."

"Rafe," Kelce says authoritatively, holding his hands out to his sides as if to ask what the hell he's doing.

"I'll fix you a plate," you tell Rafe, setting a hand on Kelce's arm as if to thank him.

Rafe exhales loudly, then steps away and back into the living room. Kelce rolls his eyes at Rafe, giving you a pat on the shoulder. You make Rafe a plate, a little bit of everything, then follow Topper into the living room to take it to him.

"Quit being an asshole to her, man," Topper mumbles to Rafe, slapping him on the back of his head.

"Don't fucking hit me," Rafe growls at Topper.

"Here you go," you hand Rafe a plate. He takes it from you without a word or a glance, inspecting the food you've given him.

"Where's your plate, love?" Topper asks you as Kelce sits down beside him, "I'll make you one. Sit down."

"No," you say quickly, earning the attention of all three boys, "I'm not staying. I gotta get home, I kinda have plans later,"

"What plans?" Rafe asks, judgment present in his voice.

The boys watch the look on your face and Topper and Kelce immediately erupt into fits of laughs and hollers.

"Boy plans, huh?" Kelce smiles at you before he shoves bacon into his mouth.

Your face flushes as you stand in front of them, glancing at Rafe to see his reaction. His jaw is clenched tightly and he's stopping eating all together.

"Who's the lucky guy, Y/N?" Topper snickers.

"It's not a big deal, you guys."

"Why am I jealous right now?" Kelce teases you. You look over at him and roll your eyes, hiding your smile from him.

"What plans?" Rafe repeats himself, raising his voice. Your eyes shoot over to him, watching his expression.

"Um, I'm going down to this thing at the beach," you say, looking down at the floor. Rafe sets his plate down on the coffee table in front of him, not wanting his food anymore.

"Are we invited?" Rafe asks, already knowing the answer. He just wants to make you say it.

"I- it's not my thing," you stutter, "I'm just meeting some people."

"Who?" Topper asks through his food.

"Uh, JJ Maybank and his friends-"

Rafe scoffs, interrupting you, "You're ditching us to hang out with Pogues?"

"I'm not ditching you, Rafe," you frown.

"Funny, that's the way it looks."

"It's just a few drinks on the beach, why are you getting so bent out of shape?" you question, watching as Topper and Kelce squirm, growing more uncomfortable.

"Bent out of shape? " he repeats, voice as if he doesn't believe you just said that, "You're the one driving across the island for shitty ass beer-"

"It's not like I was asking your opinion on my plans-"

"No, no, you were just informing us that you have plans to fuck JJ Maybank, understood."

"Rafe-" you start, but stop when Kelce sits up straight in his chair and speaks.

"What the fuck, Rafe?" Kelce stares at his best friend, "Why are you so mean to Y/N all the time? She doesn't have to hang out with us every day, and honestly, I wouldn't if you treated me the way you treat her."

"Oh, fuck off, Kelce, you don't know shit," Rafe waves him off.

Topper glances at you, then over to Rafe and speaks up as well, "He's right, Rafe. You're an asshole to her. And not just today, but a lot lately."

Rafe sits back on the couch and crosses his arms in front of his chest, rolling his eyes.

"You two don't know anything," he huffs, "Y/N and I are fine."

"Actually," you say, earning Rafe's complete attention, "I don't think we are."

He stands up now, stepping over to you and grabbing onto your wrist, "Let's discuss this in private."

You glance at the boys, trying to offer them a silent 'thank you for trying', then allow Rafe to pull you into the guest room down the hall. He slams the door once you two are inside, then runs his hand through his hair before he speaks.

"What the fuck are you doing, embarrassing me in front of the two of them?" he scoffs.

Your mouth falls open at how that is his main concern after you just told him you have doubts that the two of you are okay. Your heart sinks, watching as he paces the room. You watch the way his jaw is clenched and how his eyes are frantic as he tries to figure out how to fix things with the boys.

"I'm sorry," you say quietly.

Rafe seems to not hear you, "Jesus, now the two of them are gonna be up my ass about you for the rest of the day."

"Rafe-"

"And what the hell is up with you partying with JJ Maybank? Do you not realize how that could look, you hanging out with him?"

"Oh, my God!" you yell, not being able to take any more of his bullshit, "I don't give a shit, Rafe! I mean, seriously. I spent my entire night last night and my entire morning taking care of your ass. Because I care about you. And now, I say I want to do something for myself, and you act like I'm being selfish? Are you kidding me?"

"Oh, please," Rafe shakes his head, "You're always taking care of us, don't act like you're all noble."

"I'm not trying to be noble. I'm trying to tell you how I feel-"

"Well, I didn't fucking ask, all right?" he yells.

You frown and step back from him as if his words struck you across the face. He reaches up and pinches the bridge of his nose, trying his best to control his frustration.

"Rafe," you choke out, feeling your emotions as they rise up, "I care about you so much. But, I can't keep walking on eggshells around you. I have done everything you've asked me to do, I've been a good friend to you and I-"

"You what?" he growls at you, stepping forward and grabbing your shoulders.

"I love you, you asshole," you whisper, watching the way his eyes soften at your words, "I love you. But I'm drained. I'm exhausted. And I'm sick of being treated like some bitch who just follows you around and hopes you'll throw her a bone."

Rafe stares at you for a moment, and for the first time in a long time, you genuinely cannot tell what he's thinking. After a few seconds, he releases your shoulders and lightly shoves you away from him.

"You should leave," he says, staring at the floor.

"Really?"

"Yeah, you gotta get ready for your big date night, right?"

You laugh sarcastically at his comment, feeling stupid to have expected him to say anything different than that. He sets his hands on his hips and sighs, not bothering to look up at you. You lick your lips and take a deep breath, debating whether or not to stay and fight with him. For him.

"Fuck you, Rafe," you say.

His shoulders fall but he doesn't look up, so you turn and walk out of the room. Topper and Kelce are standing right outside the door, shocked when you suddenly emerge. You roll your eyes at them, not surprised they had been listening. They don't bother trying to stop you, because honestly, they'd leave Rafe, too.

You rush out of the house and slam the door behind you. Topper usually drives you home, but you don't bother to go back inside and ask. You can walk, it's not far.

As much as you love Rafe, as much as you'd kill to be with him, you can't condone the way he's been treating you. You know that you deserve better, just as Topper and Kelce have been reminding him. Better is exactly what you plan to have.

The beach isn't terribly busy when you arrive. You know by the time the sun sets completely, it will be packed. You spot JJ's blonde hair towering above almost everyone on the beach, watching as he laughs with his friends and tips a red cup against his lips. You walk over to him before allowing yourself to hesitate and think about leaving again.

Your fight with Rafe had completely drained your energy, and if you didn't feel like getting completely drunk to forget about it, you'd leave. JJ spies you as you approach and grins widely, starting over to you.

"No fucking way," he smiles, "Can't believe you showed, Mrs. Cameron!"

"Ha ha," you grumble, shaking your head and trying to hide a smile.

"How'd you escape from the prison that is Kook land?"

You roll your eyes, reaching up and taking the cup from his hand. You gulp it down before he can even object, and when you look up at him again, he's staring at you with his mouth wide open.

"Okay. Got it. Drinking, no talking," he reaches down and takes your hand, leading you over to the keg.

"Lots of drinking," you mutter, watching as JJ pretends he didn't hear you.

JJ grabs two beers from the guy handing them out and hands one to you, returning his hand to yours. You start to walk back over to JJ's friends, but he pulls on your hand to keep you where he wants you.

"What are you doing? Don't you want to hang out with your friends?" you ask him.

He shakes his head, "No, I'd rather figure out what's going on with you."

You sigh and take another long sip of your beer, avoiding his eyes on purpose. Although you and JJ hadn't hung out a lot, he still seems to be able to tell that you're bothered.

"It's not a big deal," you say.

"If it's bothering you, it is," JJ insists. His eyes are wide as he looks at you, and you can't help but notice how he hasn't taken one sip of his beer.

"JJ-"

"It's Rafe, I can tell. Did he hurt you?"

"No," you furrow your eyebrows, unsure of why he would even ask that. JJ just nods his head, tightening his grip around your hand.

"All right, then what?"

You give him a small smile, grateful that he's pushing so hard to try and figure out what's bothering you. You've never really had anyone do that before.

"We just got into an argument. But, it's fine-"

"Y/N-"

"I came here to have fun with you. Please don't make me spend the whole night talking about Rafe."

His eyes soften as he stares down at you. You watch as he takes a deep breath, then licks his lips and nods his head. You give him a small smile, watching as he shamelessly return it.

"You're right," he speaks after a minute, "Who needs that asshole, anyway?"

You nod, although you're hesitant to talk shit about Rafe like that, even after everything. JJ squeezes your hand once again, then tugs you toward his friends.

"Come on, let's party."

JJ pumps you full of beers, at your request, and laughs every time you attempt to get him to dance with you. His friends all watch as JJ finally gives into you, standing up as you tug on his hand and allowing you to lead him upright.

You can feel the alcohol rushing through your body as JJ spins you around in the sand, laughing at how much you're loving it. His friends cheer the two of you on, and by the time the song ends, you're completely exhausted. You collapse into JJ's chest and he wraps a strong arm around you, holding you up.

"I didn't realize I'd had so much," you tell him, slurring your words a bit against his chest.

"That's all right," he laughs lightly, "I'll take care of you."

JJ leads you back over to the log the two of you had been sitting on and helps you sit down, smiling when you lean your head down on his shoulder.

"You're nice to me," you tell him.

JJ laughs at your drunken state, pressing his cup to his lips once more. Say what you will about JJ Maybank, but never call him a lightweight.

"You deserve to be treated nicely," he fires back.

"You really believe that?" you ask him, not noticing your eyes fluttering closed against him.

"Of course, Y/N," he whispers, moving his face so his lips graze against the top of your head, "You know, there's a lot more out there than just Rafe Cameron."

"You don't know him like I do," you say quietly.

"You're right," he scoffs, "Nobody else would defend him."

"I'm serious, JJ. He's sweet and caring and protective-"

"And rude, and unkind-"

"JJ," you sigh, "I mean it. Underneath all the bullshit, he's a really great guy."

JJ's silent for a second, then you feel his body tense slightly under you. His friends are all in their own little world, to notice, but JJ isn't.

"Well, that really great guy just showed up to the party."

Your eyes shoot open and your head comes off of JJ's chest as you glance around, trying to steady your vision as you look around to see what he's talking about. When your eyes meet Rafe's, he looks upset. He's watching you and JJ like the thought of you two together actually, physically breaks his heart in half.

Topper and Kelce stand behind him, pushing Rafe forward to you. You stand up, with the help of JJ's hand steadying you, which you immediately let go of when you stand up straight. You tears your eyes away from Rafe long enough to glance back at JJ, asking him silently if it's okay if you go to him.

"Go on," he gives you a sad smile, "Tonight was fun. But, you know, I'm not the type of guy to chase after some other guy's girl."

"JJ-"

"Go, Y/N. You love him. I can tell."

You start to object, but close your mouth when you realize you have no defense. He's right, you know he is. You give JJ a little smile, then turn back to Rafe. The asshole, your asshole, who looks ready to put your heart back together again.

He starts to you and you to him, but he covers way more ground than you given that he's stone cold sober. He can tell you're having trouble standing, so he reaches out and offers his arm as soon as he's within range.

"Hey," he says quietly.

You wrap your cold hands around his arm, steadying yourself and absorbing his warmth. You take a deep breath, inhaling his familiar, heart wrenching scent and letting it fill your lungs.

"What are you doing here?" you question him.

"I- uh, I need to talk to you."

"Why? So you can yell at me and then tell me to leave again?" you spit before you can even think about it.

Rafe clenches his jaw and moves his eyes from yours, glancing around the beach as he considers what the best thing to say is in response.

"I'm sorry," you mumble.

"It's fine," he shakes his head, speaking too fast to actually mean it, "I deserve it. I was an asshole. I came here to apologize."

You nod your head, doing your best to keep your eyes on his and not trailing all down his body. He's wearing the snapback you love on him, and he has on the shirt the two of you bought together at the mall on a trip.

"You may," you tease him, giving him a small smile and hoping to get one in return. You get it, thankfully.

"I'm really sorry, Y/N. I didn't mean to ever make you feel second rate. You have been so good to me and I know I don't deserve it-"

"It's okay," you stop him, reaching one hand up to stroke his cheek. His skin, his soft skin under yours feels like heaven to touch. You know the alcohol is the only reason you're not putting up a larger fight.

"I wasn't finished," he smiles widely.

"Well, what can I say? I'm a sucker for that hat," you tease.

His grin only widens as he stares down at you, pulling you into a hug before he can even think of it. His arms wrapped tightly around you make your heart rate speed up to a dangerous level.

"You promise we're okay? Maybe we should talk again when you're sobered up-"

"I'm fine," you lie.

Rafe reaches up and cups your face in his hands, staring down at you intently. You stare back, unable to break away from his gorgeous blue eyes.

"Good, because I've got something to tell you."

Rafe watches as your lips part, wanting to question him but unable to find the right words. He smiles, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear before he continues.

"I love you, too," he whispers.

You blink rapidly at him, trying to figure out if he really just said those words to you. You shake your head and squirm out of his grasp, taking a deep breath as you look at him.

"You mean that?" you ask him.

"Yeah," he nods, swallowing nervously, "It took me half the day to realize it, but the thought of you down here with JJ literally made me want to kill him. And I'm sorry that I haven't realized it sooner. I was just scared of my feelings, I guess, and I just thought if I pushed you away-"

"You don't have to explain," you stop him, "I just can't believe you feel the same way about me."

"Who wouldn't? Topper informed me today that I happen to be the luckiest guy to walk the face of the earth because I'm loved by you. And I guess, I don't know, it made me recognize my feelings."

You smile, wrapping your arms around him and hugging him. He hugs you back without thinking twice, pulling you close and breathing you in. After a second, you pull away, and feel him tilt your chin up to meet his eyes.

"I don't know, I'm feeling pretty damn lucky right now," you whisper.

Before either of you know it, he places his lips gently on yours. His hands move themselves to your cheeks once again, pulling you closer to him. You both can hear Topper and Kelce hooting and hollering from yards away, which makes you laugh against Rafe's lips.

"I regret bringing them," he says against your lips, laughing along with you.

"You should," you agree, standing on your tip-toes and kissing him one more time.

"Can I take you home, now? Please?" he asks, voice impatient.

You bite your lip and nod, allowing him to give you one last kiss before he brings a hand down to yours, wrapping his fingers through it. He turns you toward the boys, the oh-so happy boys, and leads you away.

Away from the beer. Away from JJ. Toward your future, together.

Tags: @hollandsour @flowerkidlxrry @kookkyra @pogueslandia @sarahwasfound @fuzzyhumanpersontrash @rafecameronn @rafeswh0ree @outerbankies @morganwilliams

*if you would like to be added/removed from my taglist at any time, please send me an ask!

[monsterenergysimp]

Permanence

corpse husband x fem!reader 

summary: you meet corpse on a stream and you’re surprised when he reaches out to you 

warnings: cursing, mentions of tattooing

word count: 1.9k

notes: This is proof read but could have missed some stuff. This is my first corpse fic and my first time writing fanfic since I posted that super cringey book on wattpad when I was like 12 or something. I’d appreciate feed back so please reach out to me :)

main blog @itsmysleepover

read part 2 here!

✧���ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

You were cleaning up your station so you can get home and stream. You loved your day job as a tattoo artist but you also really enjoyed streaming. It started as a way to promote yourself as an artist and the shop you worked at but it eventually became a really fun way to destress at the end of the week (or day if you were really itching to stream). “Hey Y/N was that your last client?” your boss, KC, asked as she walked to the front of the shop and put new flash drawings on the walls.

“Yes ma’am!” You said back excitedly. You finished cleaning your station and tossed your black gloves in the trash. “And you can’t trick me into staying and taking walk-ins,” you joked with her. She rolled her eyes and walked back into her office “It was one time,” she said as you slid on your jacket. As you walked out your phone buzzed in your pocket and you checked to see who had texted you. It was a message from Sean asking if you were free to play Among Us with him and some other streamers. You replied that you were on your way home right now and totally down. You were excited to see who was playing this time around since their Among Us streams are super entertaining and have gotten really popular.

On your way back you tweeted and posted to your Instagram story that you’d be streaming soon and set up all your stuff once you made it home. After a few minutes, you had a couple of thousand people watching. You entered the discord chat and Sean spoke up. “Everyone this is Y/N she’s sensitive so be gentle.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you guys and I’m not gentle, I'm ruthless,” You say into your mic and notice the chat calling you a liar. Everyone was in the lobby waiting for the game to start. “You sound way too sweet to be ruthless,” Corpse said. The countdown started and you were imposter with Charlie.

“This should be fun,” you told the stream. Yout tried playing strategically but after such a long shift your brain was mush. You saw Poki in nav and killed her then vented into shields. Not long after the body was reported and you were sure you were going to get voted out or at least sussed.

“Where was the body?” Felix asked. “Nav and I didn’t see anyone near there so whoever is imposter must have vented,” Corpse responded. Felix spoke up again. “I think I saw Y/N walk that way and I haven’t seen her since.”

Shit, shit, shit shit. “I’m in shield right now so-” you said trying to defend yourself but Charlie spoke up. “I was doing tasks with her earlier and I saw her walk into shields so she’s safe but I’m still not sure about Rae.” Everyone discussed a bit more and some people, including Corpse, voted for you but Rae got the majority vote and was ejected. You released your breath and kept playing being extra careful.  

“Okay, guys that was super close. Corpse knows and is out to get me,” you said to the chat. You were eventually voted off but one round later victory was written across your screen with your ghost and Charlie’s avatar. “Good game guys,” Corpse said.

“I told you guys I was ruthless!”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

You sat at your station doing nothing because a client had canceled a four-hour session. You were listening to music and sketching some stuff but you were bored out of your mind and you didn’t want to leave in case you got a walk-in. The music got quiet as you received a twitter notification saying someone had messaged you. You reached for your phone and saw you had gotten a dm from Corpse.

C: hey :)

You didn’t know what to respond. You were mostly confused as to why he decided to message you out of the blue. Did he want something? But what would he want?

Y: Hii! This is sudden

C: was i bothering you?

    shit sorry!

Y: Youre fine I wasn’t doing anything rn

C: how has your day been

    i dont usually do stuff like this

Y: Im glad you did im doing better now I was so bored

C: what were you doing that was so terrible

Y: NOTHING! thats the problem :(

C: im sure youll find something to do

You stared at his message. Unsure what to respond.

Y: Im gonna give myself a tattoo

C: what?

    NO!

You tossed the needles you used for your tattoo into the sharps box. “Oh my god you didn’t,” KC said. She noticed the wrap on your calve from the tattoo you just gave yourself out of boredom. “It’s not my fault I didn’t have anything else to do!” You said trying to defend yourself. She sighed and just shook her head. “Just go home business is slow today.” It was raining so the shop probably wasn’t going to get a walk-in anyway and you didn’t have any more clients for the day. It was only 2 pm but you drove home and after making lunch for yourself decided to stream. You weren’t expecting too many people so it was bound to be super chill. Your leg felt sore reminding you of the tattoo. You snapped a quick pic of the fresh jack-o-lantern on the side of your calve and messaged it to Corpse.

Y: [image] it came out nice!

C: thats  super cool actually

    i was concerned why you would just give yourself a tattoo but i found your instagram and       youre super talented

Y: Thank you!

For some reason, it felt strange to just have that be the end of your response.

Y: Im about to start streaming if you wanted to watch

    [link]

C: ill be watching ;)

What’s that supposed to mean?

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

You sat in your apartment watching tv, hand lost in a bag of Doritos, and scrolling through twitter. You had stopped paying attention to the anime playing on the screen since you’ve watched it a hundred times and knew you wouldn’t miss anything. It was Saturday and you usually take those days off. Take the time to do chores or meet up with some friends but today you felt like not doing any of those things. As you continue your endless scroll (not helping the twitter addiction you told yourself you’d try to get a handle on) you got a message from Corpse.

C: wanna talk?

You looked down at the message unsure of how to answer. It was a simple yes or no and the obvious answer was yes. You and Corpse had started talking more regularly. You still didn’t have each other’s phone numbers but it was fine. Your conversations weren’t too big-- just you sending him memes, tiktoks, and telling him how much you liked the songs he would drop. Or him complimenting a tattoo you did. Sometimes he’d message you during streams telling you funny stuff his fans would say in the chat and you’d do the same. You learned a bit about each other but nothing too deep or serious. Like how you two lived a few cities away and you both really liked Donnie Darko. When Sean first invited you to that game out of everyone else there you were most excited to meet Corpse. He’s just so sweet and funny. Of course, you’d love to talk to him but you were also itching to talk to him and the last thing you’d ever want to do was make him uncomfortable.

Y: Yeah id love to talk

Here goes nothing.

Y: Wanna facetime or something?

     No pressure or anything it could even be a regular call

     I think facetime is just my default lol

You sent those last two messages quickly after you had sent the first. You wished you could know what he was thinking. It was killing you to think you had turned him off from talking to you completely. You put your phone down on the couch and went to wash your hand of Dorito dust. When you got back from the kitchen you turned off the tv and tossed yourself onto the couch.

Still no message.

Why am I so fucking stupid?  

Just as you were standing up to stretch from sitting on the couch all day your phone buzzed. You reached for it fast and looked to see that it was him. You became super excited still not even knowing what the message said. It could have told you to never talk to him again for all you knew.

C: sure lets facetime

    xxx-xxx-xxxx

You had his phone number. You added him to your small but growing contact list and called. You sat on your couch waiting for a response when he finally picked up the screen was black. It didn’t upset you; you kind of expected it and didn’t care what he had to do to make himself more comfortable during this call.

“Hey,” he said. His voice was raspier than usual.

“Did you just wake up?” You asked and looked at the time. It was about a little past noon and you had only eaten Doritos all day. Shit, you should probably make a decent meal.

“Not that long ago but yeah,” he responded and giggled. That giggle.

“Well, I’ve eaten nothing but Doritos all day while rewatching Ouran High School Host Club, so you’re welcome to join me as I make myself something to eat.”

“Sounds like fun; what are we eating?”

“I don’t know yet,” You said as you stood up and made your way to the kitchen. You opened the pantry and looked. You noticed a can of diced tomatoes and reached for it then checked the expiration date. It was still good. On your counter were some onions and garlic. “How about some tomato soup?”

“Sounds delicious.” you smiled at Corpse and your phone screen not knowing if he was also looking at his screen or not. “You’re really pretty-- you know that?”

“Thanks, but you don’t have to--”

“I’ve already told you what an incredible artist you are so many times I bet you’re tired of hearing it, but you already know what a talented artist you are.”

“That is very kind of you Corpse,” you said to him bashfully as you chopped the onion and opened the can of tomatoes. “But once again you don’t have to reach so far to compliment me.”

“I’m not reaching you are talented and beautiful and--”

“I thought I was pretty.” You could hear him chuckle with a smile on his face. “You’re both,” he said. You could feel your face getting warm from blushing.

“Fuck you you’re making me blush. My face is all hot and stuff.”

He laughed at how flustered you got. “That’s the cutest thing ever.”

You didn’t know how to respond so you just put some olive oil in a pot and tossed in your onions. It became silent but it was a comfortable silence. You turned the stove on and watched the flame for a few seconds. “If it was dark we could pretend we were together and having a bonfire or something,” you said to the phone as you turned the camera to show him the flame (still not 100 percent sure if he was looking at you or not).

“I’ll put it on the list of things to do when you visit me someday.”

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

How Bad is Sia’s “Music” really?

I watched it illegally (because there was no way I was paying for that bullshit) and found out. It’s not as bad as we thought... It’s worse.

TW for ableism, Sia, drugs, alcohol, just in general a terrible movie, meltdowns, blackface

Literally the first thing you hear while they’re showing the production companies is THOSE stereotypical noises. If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ll know what I mean.

And yes, she does this for the WHOLE fucking movie

What was the need to show her in her underwear? Maddie Ziegler was 14 when this was made, so what was the need??? And why did Sia prolong the scene by having her hitting herself?

Less than a minute in and my reaction was already “what the fuck is this shit?”

So the opening number not only had stereotypical exaggerated facial expression, it has Maddie in BLACKFACE?!? And with culturally appropriated hair?!?

The exaggerated facial expressions are literally constant and I took photos during the film to show it, more later, but I’ll keep mentioning it

ITS LITERALLY THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME SHE IS ON SCREEN

Even her way of walking is fucking offensive, Jesus Christ

The vocalisations just had me cringing so hard, I cannot describe how awful it made me feel

Why do all the neighbours need to be paid off and help her when she goes for a walk? I don’t-

Yes, by about the five minute mark I was already seriously debating all my life decisions. It was that bad.

Kate Hudson really didn’t give a fuck that her grandma died

I will keep saying it but WHY are the facial expressions/vocalisations CONSTANT?!! Literally they do not stop at all. I work with a child who is actually similar to this in that he’s nonverbal and he makes similar noises/faces, but the way they’re in this movie is so over-exaggerated?!? And even the kid I work with doesn’t do it 24/7?!?

Sia, calling your characters Zu and Music doesn’t make them interesting in the slightest. They’re still painfully terrible and one dimensional

Literally ONE minute after being left alone with her autistic sister, Zu calls the mental health service asking if they could “theoretically” “pick up” her sister?!? Like she wants to get rid of her already?!?

“A magical little girl” - autism isn’t a magical power?!? And Music is a young woman, not a little girl?!? Why are you infantilising her?!?

Okay I’m not being funny but this choreography is NOT hard. ANYONE can do it, so claiming that you needed to hire a dancer to be Music because of the numbers is literally bullshit (and even so, there are so many amazing autistic actors and dancers?!?)

20 minutes in and I wanted to give up

So she had her first meltdown because her hair didn’t get braided immediately and that’s... certainly interesting??

The fact that Leslie Odom’s character says “I’m going to crush you now”?!?

AND THEN HE FUCKING PICKS HER UP AND FULL-BODILY PINS HER DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR

“I’m crushing her with my love” - oh fuck you, just fuck you

So Sia lied, the restraint scenes were NOT removed and there was no warning. She’s a fucking POS liar

I have no idea why he’s called Ebo or why he has such a cliche African accent?!? I might have missed out on why because I was busy trying not to bang my head into the table while I watched this film but just... yikes

“He (his brother) liked to be held” - YEAH, HELD. NOT FUCKING CRUSHED

“He is dead now” - IM NOT FUCKING SURPRISED IF YOU CRUSHED HIM LIKE THAT

The constant babying and patronizing of the autistic character is so exhausting to watch. I’m so tired

“Planning on sending her to the people pound but I guess I’ll keep her a little longer” - SHE WAS JOKING BUT THAT WAS NOT EVEN REMOTELY A FUNNY JOKE. NOT EVEN IN AN AWKWARD WAY

STOP THE FACES IM-

^ YEAH, Sia, totally a fucking love letter to the autistic community here ^

So Zu finds this necklace she made as a kid that had a little dog on it, and she says to Music, “He had seizures too, just like you”... MELTDOWNS AND SEIZURES ARE NOT EVEN REMOTELY THE SAME FUCK THIS MOVIE-

It’s like Sia is trying to make the movie funny but it’s really not at all

Is Zu implying that Music is autistic because the mum was a junkie?!?

For real though, the dialogue in general is so fucking awful and cringey. Whoever wrote this should never be allowed to write again

Did she seriously leave her autistic sister alone to talk to who I’m presuming was her dealer or loan shark?!?

Also why is he - a white dude - wearing cornrows?!?

So who is the film really about? The autistic girl or the older sister saviour? I think we all know the answer to that one

WHY IS SHE WALKING AROUND WITH HER TEETH JUTTING OUT LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME

The musical numbers are literally so painful to watch. The overly bright colours, the flashing... my eyes were hurting and so was my brain

Autism representation aside for a second, the musical numbers/choreography are all fucking atrocious. Ditto for the costumes

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE PINK OOMPA LOOMPA FRUIT THINGS?!? THEY LOOK LIKE THE PINK VERSIONS OF VIOLET BEAUREGARDE THE BLUEBERRY

I wanted to cry by this point, this movie is far more awful than I thought

“I’m not saying she doesn’t want to change, I’m saying she can’t” - FUCK YOU. Why is it okay for him to assume what she can or can’t do

Can I just say that autistic people aren’t constantly in a coked up wonderland state?!! We don’t see the world as a wonderland fantasy world 24/7?!!

“She can hear you from two rooms away” / *shows her listening through two brick walls to a conversation* — Also, we don’t have super fucking sonic hearing?? WE CANT HEAR THROUGH FUCKING BRICK WALLS?!?

“She can understand everything you’re saying to her” - she’s autistic not fucking deaf

Less than 45 minutes in, there’s another meltdown in the park

“I’m not climbing on top of a small screaming white girl in public” - yeah please fucking don’t

So Zu fucking pins her down with her weight 🤦‍♀️

“She doesn’t know who she’s hitting” - IM SORRY WHAT

EBO LITERALLY SAID ��TREAT HER LIKE A BEAR” when talking her through the prone restraint, I fucking CANNOT

“Tell her she’s safe” - NOT IF YOU FUCKING RESTRAIN HER LIKE THAT SHE IS NOT

The fact that she gets up, smiling and happy after a meltdown and immediately is excited to get a snow cone... I can honestly say that after a meltdown, I am in no way happy or smiling. I am often not very verbal and I’m withdrawn/not myself for at least several hours, usually the rest of the day. Fuck this film

This film is literally just about Zu, and Music is there for a plot device to give her character development. That’s all she’s there for.

Love how Sia shoehorned Zu being suicidal in there. You know, just to try and make her more easy to sympathize with (it doesn’t work)

This film is literally just a 1 hour 47 minute Sia music video with ZERO plot

WHY WERE THEY WEARING PILLOW DIAPERS IN ONE NUMBER-

I really did not feel into the side plot with that guy who was fighting but it was still better than the actual movie so...

I am SO DONE with the NON STOP CONSTANT vocal shit. So tired.

LOJ’s only role in this film is to be the stereotypical wise black guy who assists a white woman’s story. There’s like hardly any other depth there

The Ebo/Zu romance is so fucking stupid and pointless and out of NOWHERE. I couldn’t even tell if they were into each other or not

I was already so bored of the musical numbers by this point. They added NOTHING to the plot but they pretended they did, and I was so over it. And it’s not because I’m not “creative enough” or anything to understand, I love musicals and I think it could have been cool if done right... but it wasn’t. They were a mess. It’s just bad.

Sia really tried to pretend her movie was deep but really it’s a shallow mess

So Zu is meeting rich drug clients and says to Music “try not to have one of your freak outs up there” and “if you could try to get it out now”... FUCKING YIKES. It’s not an on/off button, shut the fuck up

YEP THIS WAS THE SIA CAMEO FUCK THAT BITCH

The fact that she just calls “DRUG DEALER?!? DRUG DEALER IS THAT YOU”, fucking end this please-

I fucking hate this bitch I’m dead serious

“We’re gonna send them to Haiti cause there’s been an earthquake. All these buildings fell down, children’s bones were dislocated” - WHY WAS SHE SO CHEERFUL ABOUT IT

“Gonna buy a shit load of pain meds, gonna but them on my private plane” - FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU

“Pop stars without borders” - Sia thinks she’s so clever but I would give anything to punch her I swear-

ANOTHER MUSICAL NUMBER JUST STOP IM BEGGING YOU

There’s this awkward conversation/bit with Zu and her drug dealer/loanshark about his outfit that was clearly meant to be funny but was just flat and painful

Yep, Sia really showed Music eating chewing gum off the underside of a park bench. Of course.

Look, the kid I work with does similar stuff by putting literally anything and everything in his mouth but like... why would you put that in your movie?

And there’s no indication before this that Music puts everything and anything in her mouth, she just randomly decides to get on her knees, under the bench and eat chewing gum, like she calculates that it’s there and gets it???

She has a THIRD meltdown after an allergic reaction to a bee sting and her sister just yells at her before realizing... I’m not here for this movie, I feel like I drifted off and was not really there

So Zu got angry because she left the drugs at the park but she’s not that upset that her sister had an allergic reaction???

Zu gets absolutely drunk because a) she lost Sia’s drugs and b) she’s stressed out by her autistic sister... wow, great message, Sia!

She really fucked off and left her sister alone to go clubbing/on a bender

The less said about the musical number here the better

Sia’s movie also checks the box of having stereotypical Asian parents, specifically stereotypical Asian dad being harsh/angry and hitting his wife!

ALSO HE PUSHED AND KILLED HIS SON WTF IS HAPPENING

Less than 3 minutes after the last, there’s a musical number that I think was about this side character going to heaven... another shitty Sia-esque number

The patterns during the number made my brain hurt.

Also there are so many autistic actors who can also dance, and yet Sia chose the neurotypical one because ✨ N E P O T I S M ✨

I just want to know how it was deemed necessary to show the fact the autistic character peed/wet herself? I mean... ??? It’s just so undignified and not at all necessary to the plot. Nothing happens after that, it just moves onto the next scene and it didn’t do anything

“I have no one” - 1) YOUR FUCKING SISTER. 2) GEE I FUCKING WONDER WHY, couldn’t be that you’re a shitty human being?!?

There’s a scene where Music is walking and she does ALL the stereotypical behaviours at once... just YIKES

Zu somehow stopped another meltdown just by grabbing Music by the shoulders and sitting her down???

Aaand yep. Another shitty musical number

Zu really goes to put her sister in a fucking facility and claims it’ll be “better for her” - BULLSHIT. Better for Zu, maybe, not Music.

Ah yes - the girl who the characters have said has problems with routines being changed/change in general... you’re now going to fuck up her routine by dumping her in a facility. Perfect Plan.

The nonverbal autistic girl suddenly speaking to say “don’t go” - you can just predict it from the off, can’t you?

Love that as soon as Music starts talking, Zu is like “fuck it, I’ll keep her!”

Zu really went and crashed Ebo’s brothers wedding... in a fucking bralette... YIKES

“I almost gave Music away” - SHE IS NOT A DOG YOU DONT GIVE PEOPLE AWAY

“We should sing a song” - PLEASE DO FUCKING NOT

Also that kiss/romance montage between Zu and Ebo was the CRINGIEST fucking shit ever

This movie seems to be implying that Music has locked in syndrome or something, like she’s locked in her own head or whatever it’s called, and I just... *sigh*

Oh and now Music magically fucking sings in a room FULL of strangers... this is literally embarrassing, please let this end

I mean it, this movie was fucking painful to watch on ever level

She got a service dog puppy which... okay?

Oh look, it’s the only decent song on the soundtrack but with an absolutely shitty over-stimulatory music video with the credits!

I can only name 5 characters in this film. Maybe 7 at a push, but even then I would be guessing

AND YEP SHE THANKED AUTISM SPEAKS OVER THE CREDITS. FUCK YOU SIA 🖕🏻

Let me reiterate: this is a movie about a neurotypical former drug addict whose character development comes from the autistic character, from having an autistic sister she has to take care of. I’m so tired.

We are NOT plot devices or tools for character development. Not once does anyone in this film treat Music like a human being - she’s treated as a burden, a problem, and then like a pet that they decide to keep. Not once is the film focused on how she is feeling - it’s always about Zu or Ebo. The performance itself was so over exaggerated and it made me want to cry when I watched it because this is how the world sees us, and this movie will make it ten times worse. It’s stuff like this that made me think “I don’t want to be labelled as autistic because people will think I’m a certain way”, that made me wait so long before going to the GP to get a referral.

As I said, poor autistic representation aside, the movie is just so appallingly bad. It truly is one of the worst films I’ve watched. If you’re going to watch it, please don’t - or, if you want to because you want to see how bad it is/to raise awareness/critical posts, at least do it illegally. Do not give Sia your money.

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Tony Stark’s son (Part 2)

Tony Stark x son!reader

warnings:

a/n: had to split it into 2 parts bc i hit the text limit dhshaggags

prompt: continued

part 1

~sokovia was ur first big mission~

“why is y/n here, stark?” -cap

“the first mistake was letting me become a father”

“good god, tony...”

you having the time of your life crushing robots

“WHEEEEEE”

also proving useful by saving avengers a handful of times

“thanks for the assist, stark clone” -clint

rip pietro

rhodey was actually the most worried about you if we’re being honest, he didn’t understand why they let you in this one???

“y/n? y/n, talk to me! are you alive?”

“yes, uncle rhodey! i’m perfect, stop worrying!”

“i love you, kid! be safe!”

✨a good family you’ve got✨

soon the avengers broke up bc your dad cant get along with steve and it was just really awkward

but you chose your dad’s side

“sorry, steve! he pays my allowance!”

peter was actually a little okay, you know!! spazzy at first, but he was cool

“dude, you’re y/n stark! you’re tony stark’s very own son! i’m talking to mr. stark’s only child!”

“yep, that’s me. i’m what earned tony the title of ‘DILF’”

teenage teamup? ofc

“am i doing alright?”

“looking a-okay, pete!”

tony was worried fighting steve would traumatize you so he made you wait at the hotel with happy and peter

“don’t do anything to embarrass me, y/n. i dont want to see you on the news for something stupid”

you and peter ended up hanging out in your room and watching tv and ordering room service

“how do you do that so smoothly? i’d just freak out and go get it myself”

“years of experience as a spoiled rich brat”

absolutely positively being up all night and trying to fight your exhaustion

“you two seem to be getting along well. couldn’t be me” -happy

“for someone named happy, you never seem to be happy”

“not around teenagers, no”

“i remember when you loved me, ‘uncle happy’”

peter texted you every day after that

whenever flash picked on peter for “never meeting tony stark” he’d show a picture of you and him taking selfies in the lab together yes you invite him over much to the dismay of everyone else around you

plus tony was out of town and you were finally trusted enough to be left alone unchecked so like, happy would just leave at the first sign of peter

“that’s not real!”

“jealous?”

you actually showed up for homecoming on a dare (but in disguise)

didn’t wanna attract all the attention, you just wanted a high school experience

but you got called into avengers tower to help move early on :/ bad timing too cuz peter had to fight his first villain and u missed it

“dude, how do you feel?”

“bruh sound effect number two”

“oh my god”

FRIDAY heard him and pulled up the sound and you were WEAK you couldn’t stop laughing

“please....i think i broke a few ribs. cant laugh until tomorrow”

tony offered peter the avengers gig and peter said no, you were very disappointed but u understood that not everyone wanted to be in the spotlight like that

but you and peter obviously still hung out

oh, tony proposed! they interviewed you on sight!

“y/n, how does it feel to know that you’re going to have a stepmom soon?”

“you guys are aware that pepper helped raise me, right? right?!”

moving on, life was smooth for a while, there was some wedding planning, talk of you being a best man (which rhodey fought you on)

“no, i’ve known your dad longer!”

“i’m his son!”

i n v a s i o n

oh boy that was rough

bruce was surprised that you had fucking grown so much in the past 3 years good lord

“y/n...your VOICE”

“puberty, i know. when’s it gonna happen to you?”

“it hurts more when it’s from a teenager”

“uh, did you forget my birthday?”

peter’s back! peter’s back!

finally, man

“spider-kid, i could use an assist!”

“on the way!”

“aliens, why did it have to be aliens?”

up up and away for tony and peter, leaving you on the ground with all the earthly chaos and fear

“you two are the absolute worst, you know that? DAD, PETER, GET BACK DOWN HERE”

“no can do, kid. i—” *cuts off*

“oh great, no service on the space donut, huh? find a damn wifi password and call me back you asshole”

pepper was probably having a heart attack bc the news stations were having a field day but you were one of the only active avengers left, meaning you had to help clean this up

“bruce, we gotta get going”

“what? where?”

“upstate”

patching up the avengers as best as you could to take care of the threat

but you guys always win, this should be a cake walk, right?

wrong.

this was bad, very bad

after a lengthy battle with thanos in wakanda, you had failed. thanos got the stones, he snapped. the world was in ruins. but you didn’t get to see that part

you dusted away

“tell dad i’m sorry and i love him”

tony finally came back to earth hoping to see you, but upon seeing pepper’s face, he knew you were gone

“he did everything he could, tony! he didn’t deserve it!”

she was extremely upset, she saw you like a son of her own

soon, her and tony restarted their life and had a daughter, dad always wondered what it’d be like to have a little girl. it was different, it really was

she was eager to meet you

morgan stole pictures of you to hang up in her room

“when i meet y/n, im gonna give him a big hug! then we’ll have a tea party!”

tony has a picture of you and peter in the kitchen, he misses the two of you, but found comfort in the fact that you may be with each other

an ounce of hope, he had to try something

save his only son, and his other son

when he got to 2012, he was disappointed that he hadn’t let you become an avenger yet because he couldn’t see you here

yada yada he fucked up now he’s in the 70s and he fixed the fuck up and now hes in 2023

and bruce snapped

and you were all brought back and the way you kicked ass was inspiring

tony had to see his son now. right now.

“y/n, dear god! you’re okay! oh, man. i love you so much, kid. i missed you”

“i love you too. and i can’t believe you went to space without me, meanie”

“get over it”

ah, back to old times

peter and you obviously had to team up for this one! come on, what a story to tell!

and then, a snap and the warriors began to fade. you turned around and saw him on his knees

“no...”

you rushed over to where peter already was and tried to hold back tears, to be strong for him

“hey, dad. i’m here. no more missed goodbyes, okay? i’m here.”

you sat beside him and held his hand while the rest of your family made their peace with him and he finally slipped away

“y/n...are you okay?” -peter

“not even a little”

peter was worried about you, but you were worried about peter

mutual worry

meeting morgan was...surprising

pepper forgot to tell you they had a daughter while you were gone

she was so sweet and for the first month you lived at the cabin, she slept in your room

you got NO space

“i love you y/n”

“love you too” *thinking about dad bc she just reminds you of him so much*

“i love you y/n”

“love you too, morgan”

over and over

peter and you had sleepovers a lot, usually at his house bc you were the only one besides ned allowed over bc of all the spider-stuff

ned fanboyed over you

also sleepovers at peter’s were a nice break from being at tony’s cabin where you were constantly reminded that he wasn’t there

“y/n, i’m going to europe for a field trip! it’s gonna be awesome!”

“dude, you’re gonna love it. are you bringing your suit?”

“no, this is my offical vacation. no spider-manning”

“good for you, man!”

peter sent you all the pictures he took on his phone

all of them

Peter-Man: And this one is me and Ned in our crappy hotel room. And here’s the river. And here’s MJ covered in birds, and here’s the airplane, Mr. Harrington fell asleep on me

you had to come to europe once you heard what was going on

happy and you picked up peter and he was a mess

“you gave away dad’s glasses?”

“i think we’re past the point that i am not smart”

“jesus, peter. you should have called me about them. i would have taken them off your hands if you weren’t ready for them”

having to make sure that you guys didn’t get hurt bc this was honestly your guy’s first solo pair-up

there wasnt much backup here

finally, you defeated the evil (who apparently held a very large grudge against you. sorry mister beck) and were able to go back home

“call me if you need anything, pete”

“i will. i promise.”

and the next thing you know...peter’s identity was exposed

“i left him alone for one day!”

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @lokihiddles // @frostedgiant // @emygirl // @lotsoffandomrecs // @johnmurphyisbisexual // @teenwaywardasgardian // @pappydaddy // @captainshazamerica // @freya-xo // @ravenmoore14 // @purpleskiesstorm //

[rhaenyraisadyke]

My New Purpose Transcript: 8/4/21

It's the entire thing! Heres it on a google doc if thats easier!

T: Hello, Big Q! Hello?

Q: Ah! OH, oh, sorry sorry sorry sorry, I was just just making sure that they went- they left hehh

T: Are you alright?

Q: That was ha-heh

T: That was, that was pretty

Q: No no no yeah that was interesting huh

T: Yeah I didn’t expect that- but they seem to be a lot more you know like… agitated then I thought. I didn't think this was gonna be too much of a big deal hehe

Q: Ha ha well yeah it's just what happens when people start you know.. when people start competing against you…

T: Yeah yeah

Q: And Tubbo here’s the thing, the saying I’ve always heard… is people will root for you until you are doing better then them alright?

T: Really?

Q: When you start doing better than them, that's when everyone turns on you and starts getting jealous and all that… you know um so I think this is a situation where maybe I don’t know Wilbur was rooting for us until

T: Until

Q: We started doing better than them?

T: Heh yeah I mean we know, you know we haven’t really made any burgers yet and we’re not quite doing better yet but we should- we gotta work on that

Q: Oh Tubbo, Tubbo you shouldn’t even worry about that, I have so much trust in you to run this place, you know, I- this, this place ah has had the possibility of having many employees and I thought you were the best, and you, you were telling me telling me this whole thing about how you needed to find purpose, how you needed to do something

T: Yeah

Q: And um, you know this, this I think this is a good place to start!

T: I just want to say thank you so much for letting me work here man I feel like I’ve not had much to do ever now since I’ve had this job like its nice to finally have a purpose, something to do, a reason to do stuff

Q: Yeah Tubbo listen, it doesn’t have to end here, a lot of things are happening in the country you know there’s a lot of people in here um

T: Yeah yeah

Q: Things move forward in a really really good way and Tubbo I- I trust you I mean we were comrades in Lmanburg and all of that so this is, this is great this is really good

T: Thank you I appreciate that

Q: But

T: Especially after that little blip we had

Q: Yeah, thats what I was gonna say- but

T: Yeah

Q: I don’t want to ruin, I don’t want to ruin the moment but there is something we have to discuss

T: Yeah yeah maybe we should head over there, yeah okay

Q: I, listen I’m putting a lot of trust in you

T: I appreciate that as well

Q: But we ah

T: This is a really nice- this is really exciting

Q: I do want to talk about that one thing um and we never really discussed it

T: Yeah we kind of yeah we left it, I kind of didn’t want to jeopardize my chances of getting the job you know?

Q: no and at the end of the day its not even about the job Tubbo it's more that our friendship and the history we had together

T: Yeah

Q: I think that's the most important part to me because you know what? Um jobs come and go, you you are meant for so many bigger things, this is where we’re starting Tubbo but you know um

T: Yeah you know, first this, tomorrow the world I guess

Q: Yeah absolutely - waha I’m just, I’m gonna be straight up with you wh-a

T: Why the fuck is there a duck on it? Haha

Q: What what's this tubbo?

T: I’m gonna be honest thats not me- I didn’t I didn’t do that one

Q: So the cookie outpost, we had a discussion, you and me we were fighting

T: Yeah it was getting pretty heated

Q: And so what is this really for tubbo?

T: It was to mainly sell cookies if i'm honest, I - I just I- I wasn’t myself that day

Q: Tubbo… Tubbo….. Tubbo….

T: Yeah?

Q: What was it actually for?

T: I- uh just wanted to keep an eye on you I wanted to see what everyone was up to, it wasn’t a sign of aggression or anything I kind of wanted to see what everyone was up to and me being nosy, I wasn’t acting like myself, I’m sorry

Q: I- I it just felt super uh out of nowhere and build this whole entire thing

T: Yeah this complex

Q: In Front of my country so um, you know what uh, it still feels a little weird, it it feels like a needle poking, I have no problems with you but there is something there that keeps me uneasy

T: Yeah, I 100% understand that

Q: Tubbo, I don’t think , this is a really nice structure, this is a really nice structure.

T: Aw I appreciate that

Q: You have full ownership of this place right?

T: More or less yeah, Started it all out under my name, definitely, I mean I’d like to leave the past in the past you know and just work on building from there

Q: I- I can’t figure out any other way to do that than probably to take- no no you know what Tubbo? You know what?

T: What?

Q: Clean slate clean slate. I don’t think we should take it down because at the end of the day, you, you built it and I think its uh

T: I think it also helps show my initiative on what I can bring to the burger shop as well.

Q: Of course, of course but I have an idea, how about we integrate this land, this structure into Las Nevadas?

T: Wait, you want it to become part of Las Nevadas?

Q: Yeah yeah!

T: That could be cool

Q: Yeah you know what we can- forget about everything in the past forget about everything in the past, we can integrate this beautiful place into las Nevadas its built close its built in proximities,

T: It makes sense it's on the outskirts and maybe-

Q: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah so we can integrate it into the las Nevadas outskirts and we can do you like that idea? Are you down with that? We can just make it part of las Nevadas

T: Well yeah yeah I mean

Q: It’s your structure, your property

T: Yeah i'm a little apprehensive but I mean as long as I get ownership, it's just that you own the land

Q: Yeah yeah yeah! I own the land, its like rent but you’re not going to be paying rent obviously

T: Yeah yeah yeah

Q: I just can't make sure this can be part of Las Nevadas and so there’s no confusion and stuff. Is this cool with you?

T: Yeah its cool with me just like keep it as it is, keep the pond keep the farms

Q: Yeah it's your ownership but yeah it does have to be a part of Las Nevadas land and everything. How about we make it official?

T: You want to make it official?

Q: Yeah yeah yeah I have a book and quill

T: Oh, okay I wasn’t expecting you to move this quickly already. Could we sign it up to the top of the needle so we can have a look at it while we do it, you recon?

Q: That is a wonderful idea, let's go there right now.

T: Yeah I mean it makes sense, its where we first had our first discussion about this, it only makes sense to you know cross the t’s dot the eyes, put the past in the past

Q: Yes yes especially since its part of las Nevadas

T: Yeah It makes sense to sign it in one of the most significantly important buildings in las Nevadas here I'd say

Q: Absolutely Absolutely tubbo, hey I think it's great you’re taking steps to move your life forward um wow- how you know, I haven't really spoke to you properly after everything that happened in Lmanburg

T: Yeah everything with Technoblade… Damm

Q: Yeah we talked about this whole project and you and me but um you know what I want to know a little bit about your insight of what happened in lmanburg and all of that

T: What happened with Lmanburg? Oh yeah I didn't see you after Technoblade left, to be honest I haven't seen much of Technoblade either, I barely have seen anything or anyone, like yeah I kind of have been isolated on my own just hanging out, like I said no kind of purpose, just walking around, drifting kind of you know living in the past mainly and im trying to move that behind me, uh well what happened with- uh after um well you went Awol in lmanburg well its all kind of a blur, all the values just changed away um like we lost our core values and the country fell after that. Which is really, yeah that's more or less it.

Q: Yes, yes sorry I feel like I’m not paying enough attention, im writing the thing im sorry my bad

T: No its fine

Q: We will insert the coordinations later but yeah, just yeah really fast just sign that

T: So “Tubbo cookie outpost proper is now part of las nevadas land and is under its rules and constitution.” Yeah this um

Q: yeah we’ll well insert the coordinates later

T: I- I sign on the second page right?

Q: Yeah yeah yeah go ahead and sign it on yeah the second page there

T: Okay done and I still feel like I own the property there, everything still belongs to me it's just part of las Nevadas which is cool

Q: Right which, right it's just part of las Nevadas, its territory,, its rules constitution and all that, but you inergreating into the country is that first big step and Tubbo,

T: Yeah?

Q: I just want to say thank you for your disposition to just to just you know help out with las Nevadas and everything it- it means a lot you wanting to manage the place and again I felt like it was the right thing for you

T: Aw thank you man.

Q:I mean briefly you told me about how much you miss Lmanburg, how much you miss those times….

T: Yeah it's been, it's been I’m gonna be honest it's been a little bit upsetting as of late especially, I’ve just been missing it as it was a year ago yesterday… it all started and I've been there since the beginning of it and to see where its all come now has been a bit upsetting

Q: I- yeah…

T: but it's really admirable with what you’ve done here,

Q: Thank you tubbo, thank you tubbo

T: It’s got a solid foundation, you're really inspiring I feel very inspired just looking around

Q: Thank you, thank you tubbo. You know, I uh, thank you, that means a lot man

T: It’s alright man

Q: It's been uh, things can, things can get difficult, but I appreciate that Tubbo, but at the end of the day, you know whatever you need from me, whatever you need or require anything at all from me tubbo, just let me know. That restaurant you managing it now, you have a project to go off on

T: Yeah

Q: And there’s a lot of opportunities so if there’s anything you need, anything else you need you can cem talk to me

T: Will do,

Q: And we’ll figure stuff out

T: Will do yeah, I think it's about time for me to get back to work, I wanna scope out - they apparently they said they had a burger shop they said so yeah

Q: Yeah

T: I wanna make sure we are taking strides in the right direction for the competition, i'm gonna make burgers that will be remembered.

Q: Right, would you want me to go with you? Would you want to-

T: I- I think I’ll go alone I think I can see it just actually, is it that little thing behind the pool area, by the penthouse thing?

Q: Yeah yeah I like to call it a market study

T: Yeah yeah

Q: Yeah I usually do that alone, so Tubbo, Tubbo, I’ll. Be up here

T: Yeah when I’m done with my market study we can come up with some groundbreaking material for the burger shop!

Q: Oh yeah absolutely, actually you know what, just meet me at the burger shop, I’ll be there working on it, making some changes doing some redecorating and stuff

T: Alright, sounds amazing! Again, thank you so much for the job!

Q: Of course Tubbo!

T: Thank you!

Q: Oh Tubbo you shouldn’t be thanking me, I should be the one thanking you- you you are a great, you are like a gear in the machine and you are one of †he most important gears in the machine, you know when the machine loses a gear and it- Tubbo you’re a pillar you’re like a pillar to our structure is what I’m saying

T: Aw thank you man I do appreciate it

Q: Alright

T: Catch you later mate

Q: Alright cya

T: Ohh I thought he was gonna be more upset about the cookie outpost, I thought he would be a bit more upset, Alright let's check out the burger shop, I think it's gonna be nice, I think it's gonna be really really nice because the way Wilbur described it it was a really nice place.. oh oh! Ranboos here!

Hello!

R: Oh! Oh uh - hel- hell- hello

T: Hi Uh

R: Uh ho- how are you doing?

T: Um im I’m doing alright

R: W- what were you up to?

T: Well I- I was just talking with Quackity over the burger business and stuff you know

R: Well is everything okay with that?

T: Yeah, Yeah I'm pretty sure it's fantastic!

R: You- you sure?

T: Yeah 100% I think it's going really well. Can I come inside? I kinda want to have a look at your place!

R: Sure- I mean its it's not all done we are still uh me and Wilbur are still working on it and stuff

T: Why do you trust Wilbur so much?

R: Hmm?

T: Why do you trust Wilbur?

R: Well, here here’s the thing, basically I I don’t trust trust Wilbur yet but I do have more trust in him then you do

T: Yeah

R: But I mean 13 years I mean a guy is gotta change throughout all of that right?

T: I mean I suppose so I don’t not think he has changed, I just think he has to have the opportunity to prove it because- trust

R: Yeah thats why, why I am here so when he does something that does redeem himself, then someone can be there that will be able to see it and everything and honestly I rather it be me the person, rather it be me than someone else. So um

T: I guess I guess that makes a lot of sense I guess, I I don’t know I guess I don’t think I feel I can put my life in his hands again if you know what I mean.. heheh..

R: Well this isn’t this isn't putting my life in his hands this is just making a little little burger shop and everything… Are you okay with all of this right?

T: Oh yeah I yeah its fine its fine

R: okay that's that

T: Yeah it's enjoyable, yeah I understand it all it makes a lot of sense

R: You sure you understand? Because like- if if you need me to stop, then i'll stop

T: Yeah yeah, I noticed, is there a reason that you haven't told Wilbur about the tax reasons.. marriage hehe

R: Yeah yeah thats just because from what I’ve heard from Tommy and everything the Wilbur that thirteen years ago at least used stuff against Tommy and everything so you know just incase I mean I still trust Wilbur not super fully just at least a little bit

T: Ahh, I can fully completely understand that honestly

R: I like working with him as well its nice it's just nice to do something

T: Yeah, fair enough, I think the competition will be good yeah I mean i'm very excited I haven't felt this happy in quite awhile, I feel like I finally got something under my belt, something I can you know really sync my teeth into and be apart of, it feels like I am part of a bigger cause now, like-

R: So, so you’re sure now that this is the - you’re all okay with what’s going on?

T: Yeah yeah it's just friendly competition man, it's gonna be awesome, if anything it will just be better for consumers which means its gonna be better for everyone

R: Yeah yeah that makes sense at least

T: I mean are you alright?

R: How did you bury the hatchet with Quackity though? That's what I don’t get…

T: Bury the hatchet, what do you mean by that?

R: I mean, how how did you make peace with him because the last time we spoke with him you were talking about how he had a roll in your… unfortunate uh removal of life

T: Yeah he did, but to be honest, this, it's a lot… Well no I’m not even sure it is as much Quackity’s fault as Wilburs, I don’t like- I was gonna die no matter what that day, it just happened. I mean, I I dont have much quarrel with him, he seems to uh I mean look at what he's built, he seems good

R: yeah

T: I mean I managed to also clean up all the ruckus over the cookie outpost and stuff as well so that's in the past now.

R: Wait, he's all okay with that now?

T: Yeah he promised me a good life,

R: What do you mean? Was your life not good before?

T: No- no no no no it was, he talked a lot about Lmanburg and he

R: That wasn’t really much of a good life for you though was it?

T: Oh no you- you’ve only heard the bad bits of Lmanburg, lmanburg was amazing

R: So he promised you the good bits?

T: Yeah yeah basically yeah which is awesome

R: Thats good thats good

T: Yeah so I- I figured out how to get rid of the tension regarding the cookie outpost, I signed a contract, dotted the t’s and the i’s put the past in the past I’m excited to uh keep moving forward its exciting

R: Okay… a-a awesome. So he's Okay with the cookie shop now?

T: Yeah hes 100% okay, we basically came the agreement,

R: Awesome

T: I wasn’t being myself like before when I was working on the cookie shop, I- I was

R: MHm

T: upset and sad and I - I was like I just wanted to have something to feel part of something bigger again but then I realized that instead of fighting the thing that would of given me that feeling I tried to make my own, I dug my heels in, it wasn’t really the right thing to do I-

R: mhm

T: So we signed a contract, so the cookie shop is owned by me. It just exists in las nevadas now and.. yeah, it follows its laws and regulations.

R: Okay So is, is everything everything, um everythings everythings… w- wait so how exactly sorry did you make Quackity okay with it all?

T: We went up to the needle, we just talked it out, we wrote up a contract, we talked it out, basically agreed to have the cookie shop become part of Las Nevadas. Because I mean-

R: Wait, you gave away the cookie shop??

T: I didn’t give away the cookie shop away, I still own it, its just now part of las nevadas,

R: part of las nevadas which is owned by quackity,

T: Well yeah, but not entirely

R: Y-yeah entirely,

T: no.. that's not how it works at all it it's still owned by me just exists in his territory

R: Which is property of las nevadas which is owned by quackery…….

T: Noooo it's not like that at all

R: Okay…. It seems like you just….

T: No there’s a lot more than that, it's not black and white like I just “gave it to him” I still own it I still have full control over it, it follows his laws which is fine

R: And his rules- ……..

awesome cool um that's great oh which would you look at that the bread is stale, it was nice um it was nice uh talking you to, I’m gonna go throw this bread in the river

T: Okay

R: Alright thanks for stopping on by, ill ill talk to you later alright?

T: uh okay, buh bye

R: bye

T: That was….. that was um uh I wasn’t expecting that to go uh quite like that, I didn’t think it mattered that much. wuhhh… uh that was I was not expecting to- he seemed, oh god that felt a little awkward, I I didn't, I mean it's mine to give away I built the entire place, I built all of it, that's so weird…. Okay I’m gonna come up with some burger recipes I didn't actually manage,

I probably should've done some research that would of been nice- OHFUCK

Q: oh god holy shit

T: Sorry honestly

Q: You fucking scared me

T: I didn’t notice you just then

Q: Tubbo tubbo you were supposed to be here uh work has already started your a little late

T: Oh sorry

Q: you’re a little late tubbo

T: sorry sorry, I’m sorry

Q: Remember we can’t build a kingdom here of fast-food burger- sorry sorry I got like 10 things in my mind right now uh tubbo

T: Yeah

Q: You can’t keep arriving late okay

T: Okay?

Q: We gotta make sure you- this place runs very well, listen I have an idea help me take this thing down

T: Oh, okay…

Q: You’re gonna love this tubbo, when Wilbur sees this because I know hes gonna be fucking spying around hes gonna freak out, hes gonna finally realize what an idiot- Wilbur is for whatever he decides to do

T: Why do you care so much about what Wilburs is doing?

Q: Check this out check this out

T: I’m excited for it

Q: That guy really thinks he can go in and blow up the godam restaurant, who does he think he is? Who does he godam think he is?!

T: I thought you weren’t that bothered?

Q: It’s so fucking annoying that he does this shit its annoying man. Check this out Tubbo, you ready?

T: What's this what’s this? Oh my gosh,

Q: What do you think?

T: That's awesome dude what the hell??

Q: I cant wait to see the look on- what his stupid fucking face is gonna look like- im gonna absolutely, Wilbur’s gonna see this and realize he messed with the wrong fucking person Tubbo and that I am no one you want to mess around with and his little buddy Ranboo is oh- oh sorry I don’t know if you, guys are friends-

T: Yeah yeah we are

Q: but for fucks sake they FUCKED up Tubbo

T: Did they?

Q: They fucked with the wrong person, he is going to regret what they did to me

T: What did they do?

Q: And to my fucking country

T: What did I feel kinda left out?

Q: What what?

T:What happened?

Q: I’m sorry, I'm sorry , ignore me, I'm just rambling, I'm just rambling, you know what we gotta do, besides selling burgers we gotta sell more shit, we gotta do this NFT, did you hear about these NFTs?

T: Yeah yeah, the turburgers NFTs?

Q: The tuburgers NFT system they have a system, we are gonna make a system too

T: Not just one, but TWO

Q: Yeah yeah, I need you to try this out, its Wilburs burger

T: Oh okay,

Q: It’s smelly— Tubbo, do you see this fish tank?

T: Yeah?

Q: It looks normal to you and it looks normal to them, but to them, they left a huge crater in my goddam restaurant and they could think they could fucking get away with that but this fishtanks means much more then that

T: Does it?

Q: IT means much more than that, this fishtanks is not who he thinks he is right? He used to be slick and all this powerful guy in lmanburg, he's not the same guy.

T: Do you think he's changed? Hes- old age I guess?

Q: Changedd? Haha Tubbo you think Wilburs changed? Comeon, Wilbur hasn’t changed one bit and Im excited, I’m excited once he realizes everything we are doing and everything we are up to its not gonna be the fucking same, I am going to destroy him, we’re gonna destroy him

T: woahhh

Q: WE”RE gonna destroy him in

T: friendly competition of course?

Q: yes yes of course

T: We aren’t gonna hurt them right?

Q: No no no no I’m sorry I get. Little startled

T: Financially maybe

Q: I’m sorry I’m sorry I just like completion

T: Competition is good for everyone, friendly, the only people that win here are the consumers and that's what matters. That could be our motto, “the customer is all that matters''

Q: I love it I love it, let's do that, lets do that Tubbo uh I apart from this, sorry I got a little startled I think it is important to recognise we need competition at the end of the day

T: Oh of course we can’t exist without them

Q: This is your place this is your place now its set in stone

T: That is such a cool sign

Q: You’re the manager, what's the next boss?

T: Do you want to hear my three step program? I have a three step program for this

Q: Oh sure sure!

T: Well be in the kitchen woohoo I thought of a couple of ways to make burgers quick and not sacrifice the flavor so from what I can see in their place they don’t have smokers and you still get the quality, we can smell smoked steak burgers

Q: Oh really??

T: We can sell the wagyu burgers if you know what I mean?

Q: Wait actually???

T: I think we are doing wagyu burgers,

Q: I love that I love that, Tubbo, based on what you’ve told me this means a lot to you.

T: Thank you

Q: Resources, items, what farms, what do you need, you say it's an important project, what do you need to make this thrive?

T: We need grain we need a lot of grain, we need a way to make fresh dough, our supplies are a little dire

Q: Just, just close that chest

T: This is like my first actual day

Q: We will get you the best of the best products

T: When will you get the grain farm down?

Q: Is grain different to wheat?

T: nonono its the same just we take the grain from the wheat and grind it to make the dough

Q: Tubbo, come with me… look at this!

T: WOAHHH

Q: I thought you had seen this

T: I must have completely overlooked this!

Q: Yeah!! And we also have a spot for meat. They are grass-fed tubbo. Look at this Tubbo listen, I want to emphasize that this is all you man, this is your project. The sign out there says tub burger so as far as i'm aware you are incharge of the restaurant. I know there’s also food regulations that are put down and stuff

T: Oh yeah yeah

Q: If you need any way around the constitution let me know

T: I noticed the kitchen is a little worse for wear, I noticed the kitchens a little, we are gonna have to get that cleaned up because it's probably a health violation

Q: Yeah yeah we will get that cleaned up for you

T: Yeah its really gunky its genuinely, it's really strange

Q: Ah I had a friend who lived there for a little while

T: In the kitchen……?

Q: Yeah he kinda was like yeah.. he left the place a little slimy, I’ll get it cleaned up

T: How… what?

Q: He he actually uh -

T: When was the last time he showered?

Q: You know what, you know what man? You should meet him one day

T: Does he still live there or does he have a place now?

Q: He-he's around I think, I haven't seen him in a bit but he can…. I haven't seen him in a bit of tubbo…. Besides before

T: You haven't seen him?

Q: He should come back soon

T: Well if you ever need anyone to lead a search if it gets to that point, I can do that

Q: No no no don’t worry

T: It’s not like a big deal- no?

Q: focus on your project instead of worrying about these other issues others may have…

T: Let's get started on naming the burgers shall we? Do you have any signs or. anything?

Q: Well for original or classic tubbo? The tubburger right?

T: Oh defiantly, we should number them so it's easier to order them and on this side we do like… gold, I’ve seen your city

Q: Ohhh so you’re thinking more than fast food

T: No i'm thinking we can account of the masses like the people who want that find dining and the people who want the quick bite

Q: That's genius

T: Do you want to know the second step in my three step program?

Q: Yes, yes tubbo of course

T: We need a drive through on this place, we need drive through wagyu beef

(Goes to break a wall down)

T: Wait- uh people live there

Q: uh I try to act impulsively its-

T: No no it's okay

Q: I really really

T: It makes sense

Q: I think it would be really badass

T: Yeah yeah, do you think we could get like a road going through here for the drive through, do you think that could work?

Q: Oh yeah yeah

T: They got a burger van, they are on the roads, we are in the roads if you know what I mean

Q: 100% tubbo, 100%, Tubbo you’re coming up with all of these great ideas I- I couldn’t of chose a better person to run this place then you tubbo

T: Aw thank you man

Q: I think that's one of your more underrated features

T: I’m gonna be honest I’m just enjoying a place to feel like I’m doing stuff again

Q: I don’t know if anyone has told you this Tubbo but one of your most underrated features is your creativity and drive to do good things, I dont think I’ve ever seen you tubbo and thought on this is a bad person

T: Oh… oh the fish may have just offered itself….

( A couple of beats of silence, then quackity goes and eats the dead salmon

Q: One of the most underrated features Tubbo and I don’t think anyone has told you this

T: Yeah?

Q: That your drive to do good things

T: AW

Q: I dont think I’ve ever seen you and thought oh this is a bad person, I think you are inherently good

T: Aw thank you so much mate

Q: Yes tubbo build up the menu

T: I will I will get on it

Q: I’ll make sure everything works well, the wheat farms…

T: Oh what the hell have you seen this book? “YO SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR DOOR YOU SHOULD PROBABLY CHECK THAT OUT I THINK YOU GOT THEM HALF OFF AND I DON'T MEAN PRICE WISE” Sorry I mean

Q: That- Wilbur, fucker that guy… that guy thinks hes so fucking funny “Yeah big q don’t you think there’s something wrong with your doors you should probablyy check that out I think” shut the fuck up, fuck you fuck you how the hell do I get rid this this I will spit on it and throw it in the fucking garbage can

T: Woahh woahh

Q: What the hell is wrong with that guy

T: Who wrote that, how do you know who wrote that?

Q: WHO DO YOU THINK “WROTE IT”

T: What Wilbur?

Q: Of course it was fucking Wilbur wanna know what he did to this place he fucking came and blew ahhh oh my god

T: Yeah I heard about the explosion, I never got to see it though,

Q: It doesn't matter it doesn't matter, you know what Tubbo, don’t ever even like bring it up in front of him don’t talk about it it never happened

T: Okay so we,- we just are better than that. We just

Q: We’re better than that, bigger and better and everything good

T: We don’t need to resort to staboutouge

Q: 100% 100% I - ahh whatever man, listen tubbo, I’m gonna go back to my office and count how much money I have and then I’m gonna come down here for a quick lunch break and then, I’m gonna tell everyone to start helping with your wheat farm, your grain farm, your bread farm

T: uh huh

Q: And we’re gonna up the production with cow meat

T: And I’m gonna get more recipes down thank you so much, thank you so much im gonna get on and start working on that

Q: This is all you tubbo, this is all you

(Sam logs on, maybe to ellude quackity is going to torture dream in the vault who knows)

T: This is unbelievable , I can’t thank you enough honestly

Q: I can’t thank you enough tubbo, I’ll go back to my office and get some work done, and how much money we have

T: I’ll get to the kitchen. Goodbye mate cya later!

Q: Not gonna lie tubbo, that fish was some bad shit

T: hah ahha, ohhh

Q: my stomach I really have to go I really have to go

T: Oh god i'm so sorry I’ll get the fish water treated, bye mate

Q: Yeah… yeah- bye mate!

T: Yeah okay, time to get off and work. I'm gonna start working on some new recipes, let's be excited, it feels so good to have this new job finally.

[angeltrapz]

oosdkk dude im sorry ur mood dropped too.. i hope u feel better soon <3 but like i wld love 2 hear more abt ur thoughts on Art in general bc Boy Is He Interesting, and also a lil more abt Daniel coming out as nonbinary to his dad (whether he knows Eric is trans or not at that moment skjdfhdskf)! + if ur feelin it just more abt Mallick in general ESP cuz we agree that Brit doesn't make it thru V

djhfjdks thank u sm <3

okay Art first. I genuinely wonder abt him so much, something in specific I think abt is that aside frm Amanda (+ Eric, obviously, but talkin abt disciples) Art is one of the only trap victims EVER 2 be tested twice and it’s like... what’s that abt? Why? as u’ve said b4 it rly depends on how you personally view his character: whether he’s a disciple or not. fr me, both options are equally plausible, n honestly I don’t rly confine myself to either; it sorta depends on what I’m feeling/writing. if we’re talking abt art being a disciple, then the Spinecutter not going off (one of my BIGGEST questions) makes total sense, as Hoffman’s side of the trap was never set up to work either, + Jigsaw disciples have a history (aside from Lawrence) of appearing as victims in other tests/traps. if he were not just another pawn and was in fact a disciple himself, then the Spinecutter was never meant to go off - it was there just to make Eric think it COULD go off/make it look convincing to outsiders. which brings me to ANOTHER question: what does Art know abt Eric? does he know anything? what does he think of Eric?

(lil side note: if Art is a disciple, then I kinda wonder if it’s a lil bit of a Hoffman + Lawrence situation where Hoffman didn’t know abt Art either? just bc he looks so shocked when he sees Art’s face fully fr the first time... that could’ve just been acting on Hoffman’s part but IDK. food fr thought)

personally, I feel like Art probably does know a lil bit abt Eric - at the very least, he’d know tht Eric had been previously tested + failed by John’s rules, but then I feel that he wld also know Eric didn’t rly have a chance in his second test. that is why Art trying so fucking hard to keep Eric alive is interesting 2 me: what is his motivation 2 do that? like he’s been told Eric’s basically just there to get Rigg to participate, he doesn’t have any personal obligation or anything like that. sure, the aim is to keep Eric alive + see if Rigg can pass his “test,” but nobody said anything about grabbing a man you barely know around his ankles to keep him frm hanging himself w a noose made of chains. nobody said anything abt speaking to him so softly, not even raising your voice beyond saying “hey,” and asking him do you understand? when you tell him to keep still and prevent him frm killing his counterpart (which, if Art is a disciple, he knows it won’t, but he still speaks to Eric so softly, so compassionately, doesn’t he?)

nobody said anything abt grabbing him around the waist and steadying him again after being punched by said man. but Art does that. he stabilizes Eric’s feet on the ice as best he can and he keeps his hips straight and he basically says “look, we’re all stuck here, you need to keep it together ‘til that clock counts down if you want us to live, but I’m giving you a choice,” and he presses the gun w the single bullet into Eric’s hands and tells him it’s up to him. nobody said Art had to care but he does, I think, and it’s just like. he really didn’t have to keep Eric alive over the course of Rigg’s test. he didn’t. but he did and I just,, where does it come from? why does he care? this is even going beyond the fact that we’ve talked abt them being together after their test in a scenario where they both survive - I just think that Art at his core is a very stubborn but very compassionate person, whether he wants 2 be or not. like he HAS to know that kind of involvement cld prove to be extremely detrimental but he cares. I feel like that says a lot abt him (even if he does call Eric an asshole a couple times while doing it,,).

plus I also just. I think his reason for being tested (as it seems to be in most cases) is extremely flimsy. he was doing his job. he’s a LAWYER. often times it has nothing 2 do w personal feelings; they’re there to do their job and sometimes, unfortunately, that is defending possibly reprehensible people (in cases like Rex’s & Ivan’s). + John was already upset w him regarding their argument abt the urban renewal group so like it just feels So Very Petty, y’know?? even in the scenario where he IS a disciple, testing him twice seems entirely like John having a personal vendetta against him. Amanda is the only other person to be tested twice aside from Eric, so like. what. is that abt Mr. Kramer.

like I’ve said b4 in dms one could argue that Art is grey morally, bc we never rly see anything of him outside of flashbacks + acting as a test controller in IV, esp given that he... rly doesn’t seem too bothered abt it all? which is fair. but I also feel like the concern he shows towards Eric is smth to be considered as well.

-

+ YESS NONBINARY DANIEL I know I’ve mentioned it b4 but for reference, I read Daniel as masc nonbinary (he/they)! so I feel like Daniel wld b pretty comfortable w his identity, he’s never rly had a reason not to be (it’s rly anyone’s guess here tho bc we never see Eric + Daniel + Kate... as a family unit, for obvious reasons), so I feel like he’s vry chill abt it? and in the scenario where Eric survives n is dating Adam, I feel like Daniel wld talk 2 him abt it first (Adam is an adult they quickly come to trust + he’s vocal abt being trans himself so there’s that added layer of understanding - other than his mom maybe Adam might b the first person they come out 2). they’re just kinda like “so I wanna tell my dad I’m nonbinary but like I’ve literally never thought abt coming out what do I do” and Adam’s just like. Aha. bc he knows Eric is Also Trans so like, he doesn’t tell Daniel that bc it’s not his info to share, but he’s definitely like “oh it’ll totally be fine. trust me you have no reason to worry” so Daniel’s just like Okay. I Got This

+ I know I mentioned this in dms but Daniel wld absolutely wear those floral ripped hem skirts over jeans, so I feel like on one of his visits to his dad’s, he just. wears that combined w a completely random niche graphic tee he bought when shopping w Adam (I adore this hc n I am Holding Onto It) n is just like. not super open abt it bc he doesn’t know what to expect? he just kinda waits fr Eric to comment on it but when he doesn’t, Daniel gets nervous n is like “do I look okay?” and Eric’s rly chill abt it, like “yeah! it looks vry cool, vry alternative.” n like Daniel is relieved, of course, but also he’s just like God Pls Say Something so he just comes out w it like “okay this is not working. I’m nonbinary.”

and he’s COMPLETELY SHOCKED when Eric is just like “oh why didn’t u say so? do u have a different name u wanna go by? is Daniel still okay?” bc he wasn’t sure how much Eric knew, so he’s just like “uh no Daniel is still good, he/they pronouns though” and Eric’s just like alright cool but internally Daniel’s just like ??????

n THAT is when Eric asks him 2 come sit out on th front steps w him n is just like. “I don’t think I ever told u this but I’m trans. I transitioned during training in my early 20s” n Daniel is nodding while internally he’s like Adam I’m gonna throttle u. he worked himself up fr NOTHING. he just kinda laughs abt it and Eric is like “are u good?” ‘cause he’s a lil worried but then Daniel just smiles and is like “yeah I’m fine! just realizing I had nothing 2 be worried abt” and it’s a rly good moment fr them. they sit out there together talking abt their experiences for quite a while n at some point Adam steps outside 2 find them deep in conversation + he just smiles n goes back inside bc he cares abt them both so much and seeing them talk like that makes him so 💞💞 (Eric is SO PROUD u can see it on his face)

-

ohhh gosh Mallick,,, I spend a lot of time thinking abt him actually. he’s just one of those characters I feel vry connected to (me 🤝 Mallick: Ambiguous Disorder 💕) n one I got surprisingly attached to? hello (he IS one of my f/os)

I feel like Mallick is a very lonely person at his core. the way he sort of clings to Brit (w out the whole like. adrenaline of being in very very real danger w ppl trying to kill u SEVERAL TIMES) somewhat confirms this fr me. this is someone who has no reason to look out fr him, no reason to keep protecting him when their fellow captives hit him over th head w a club or attempt to push him into a bathtub to ELECTROCUTE him, but she keeps doing it and he’s just. in awe of it a little bit? ‘cause she could just let Charles knock him tf out or let Luba push him in but she fights for him, some1 she has no obligation to n met fr the first time literally when they woke up.

the moment they share b4 they stick their arms into the saws to activate the 10 Pints of Sacrifice is so very vulnerable and maybe even a little tender. yes he calls her a monster, yes she calls him one back, neither of them deny it. it’s an admission and an acceptance. they’re monsters, sure, fine, okay. but they are monsters and they are in this together. Brit tells Mallick it’s okay when he says he can’t do this alone. she says okay, okay, it’s okay, we’ll go together. and they help each other secure their tourniquets and they stick their hands in together bc it’s the two of them, literally hand in hand, fighting for their lives n for each other n they’re in so so much pain but they are doing it TOGETHER. I lose it thinking abt it!!! they even have a head bonk moment!!! I very much feel like it has some cinematic parallels to Adam & Lawrence’s moment in SAW 2004!!!!

+ as u mentioned, we both share the thought that Brit likely died since she wasn’t present at Bobby’s meetings, and. I want to touch on how fucking despondent and lost Mallick looks when we see him again in 3D. lights on but no one’s home. I feel like for Mallick, losing Brit was losing the first chance at a real connection he’s had in god knows how long - and for him, that’s just very shattering. he’s been thru hell, he’s watched three people die right in front of him, he sawed his ARM IN HALF, n the person he went through all of that with didn’t make it. but he did. and I feel like for Mallick that’s just like... he doesn’t understand it. but he feels even lonelier than he ever has b4 because the One Person who was there w him thru it all, the one person who could ever possibly understand what happened that night, is gone.

the Mallick we see in V would NEVER sit down n willingly listen to Bobby Dagen’s bullshit abt loving yr scars n taking pride in the fact u survived. he wld hate that man with a passion n I am very much sure of this. the fact that he’s sitting in that chair looking numb and glassy-eyed and silent? Mallick is trying to find some1 to connect to, find a place where maybe he belongs. trying to fill that hole that losing Brit made. why else wld he be sitting there, listening to someone he would ordinarily tell to shove his self-love bullshit up his ass? he’s lost. he’s just trying to keep his head above water and find a way to shore even though everything in him is fighting not to. he’s adrift without her.

+ ALTERNATIVELY, bc the reality of that is just. crushing n maybe not where I needed 2 go, in the scenario where Brit survived + just doesn’t want to put up w Bobby’s bullshit, I imagine them to actually move in together after a lil bit of time getting 2 know each other better w out the pressure of “oh god we’re gonna die.” she kinda helps him build up a sense of self-worth bc GOD it’s practically non-existent n thinking abt possible reasons why makes me sad. she’s definitely just like “no, you do deserve to be cared for and you deserve help when you need it, you deserve good things n to be happy.” she just kinds shuts it down while still making sure to talk 2 him abt WHY he feels that way (she’s not dismissing, but she’s trying to nip it in th bud) n Mallick is just like. huh. bc no one’s really done that fr him before. but it rly does end up helping in the long run, even if it is a very slow pace toward actually getting 2 a place where he recognizes his own worth + realizes he deserves all the things he wants Brit 2 have too. they’re there for each other thru thick n thin and if they made it thru their game, they can make it thru anything.

[hobidreams]

*record scratch*

Ok last night I wasn’t in the best of moods and I was reading the MLT angst to make it all make sense and I feel like my review was not up to par with the masterpiece of a heartbreaking chapter you gave us. So this is an updated review.

BESTIE WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? YOU ARE BREAKING MY HEART, OCs HEART, AND YOONGIS HEART!!! 😭😭😭 OC was being an absolute queen and working off her heartbreak (which like, go off bestie. Show those men who tf you are and prove you’re a better doctor than them!) and you had to go and make yoongi appear to make it worse! And like I said previously their interaction was so awkward and not natural for them. The only thing that was natural was him talking to her about his struggles with work but that isnt what we need 😭 and him talking about the advisors letting up now because he is married and then they just dig the hole and talk about the MASSIVE elephant in the room and the tension is so palpable it’s insane.

But then he stops and says that he isn’t there to talk about her. Like I’m sorry my dude, you literally HAVE to talk about her. You need to discuss what to do now. The solution is clearly divorce and run away with oc. But I’m sure he’ll get there on his own.

Also how oc is like “she is your wife after all” and he says “no, mama is-“ and you don’t finish that sentence. RAIN WHAT WAS HE SAYING??? WHAT IS MAMA TO HIM???? I NEED TO KNOW THAT HE WAS GOING TO SAY IT WAS ALL A RUSE 😭😭

But then oc just breaks down. She can’t hold it in anymore and I couldn’t either. I cried too. The way you write, Rain, is so stunning that I can feel their love. And I feel OCs heartbreak too. It hurts so much. It’s just not fair. She is so incredibly strong and she just couldn’t do it anymore. She needed to let it out. And I think it shattered Yoongi’s heart to see her so upset, but I think he needed to see it. He needed to see how hurt she was and not see her strong façade that she puts on. She needed to show her true feelings.

But Rain, when you wrote the last three paragraphs it sent me into a tailspin. I could feel the pain from her asking him to leave. She didn’t want him to, she wanted him to hold her, but he couldn’t do that anymore. And he didn’t want to leave. He wanted to help her just as badly. “I never wanted this.” WELL THEN JUST QUIT BREAKING MY HEART 😭😭😭 “but I’ve always wanted you” HELL YEAH YOU HAVE. It’s so frustrating because even if she said something, it wouldn’t change anything. He would still be married (and have to be) and they’d still be so upset. 💔💔💔💔💔

I’m just so fucking heartbroken for them both. They love each other so much and they just can’t have each other and it’s the worst feeling in the world. It’s gut wrenching. It’s like what are you supposed to do when the man you love marries someone else and he doesn’t even want to get married either. That’s seriously the greatest pain I think anyone could bear. It’s earth shattering.

Ok I think I made myself sad again. So I’ll stop there. Just know I’m obsessed as usual and I’m so looking forward to the end, but also dreading it because this is such an absolutely fantastic story. You’re so incredible!!

BAAAAABE 😭😭 the fact that you sent in?? an even better ask after your already amazing one???? ur spoiling me 🥺 it is such a delight to be read with so much love 💗 but uhhhhh YES i caused a lot of carnage with this one for sure 😭 the awkwardness between them was actually unplanned. as i was writing it, i was feeling like ... wtf why is everything coming out so stilted when im not even doing anything intentionally different? then i realized it’s what the characters wanted to be. they were naturally pulling themselves apart. it was such a surreal experience for me so i leaned into that awkwardness.

i imagine he was gonna say something like “she means nothing to me” but unfortunately even the mama alone seems to contradict that fact to poor oc!!! im glad the last three paragraphs hit you bc i spent a lot of time on them. y’all know my obsession with endings by now 🤣 i wanted them to sucker punch as hard as they could (but be assured that i was also caught in the blow. i was reeling from thinking about oc’s heart T___T). it’s such a shitty situation but its EXACTLY the kind that royalty must deal with so 😭 as hot as kings are, they have a whole host of problems with them, huh? 

[herrashmoo]

secondly, im not a tumblr teen. ive been on this website for god knows how long and ive been well versed in queer history. me calling them a pedophile, after a conversation with them resulted in them refusing to admit sexual imagery is not for children, them calling me a bootlicker and several other names, before getting wildly upset and blocking me, had nothing to do with their sexuality and everything to do with the fact that they couldnt tell me sexual imagery is not a thing for minors to consume period end of story. this is AFTER the fact i had been a bit more educated about pride and had ALREADY agreed where i went wrong. now about the sanitization of pride- thats wrong as well. dont get me wrong. but you cant seriously look me in the face and tell me that sexual imagery is not for minors. like- just that statement alone, right? so how is this such a controversy?

ugh okay I guess I’m gonna write A Thing. I’ll get into a proper response to your final questions but first, let’s do some context work.

first thing to make clear is that I know Jux irl, and I also want to make it pretty clear that they and I have pretty similar opinions here, I’m just slightly more likely to put my anger aside to reply to stuff. Do not get it twisted, rhetoric like the kind you were/are using is like, a big red flag for me, it’s the kind of shit reactionaries have been using for eons and like, were I in a less chill mood, I would’ve also likely written you off as a bootlicker troll. Their response was pretty aggressive but not completely misplaced, so I just want to make it clear that like, as another queer dude who is tired of seeing this shit every fucking May for the better part of a decade, I’m also exhausted and pissed off.

As for my claim of teenagerdom, I apologize if that offended, but you have to understand that, generally speaking, the loudest groups having this conversation on the regular are (1) right-wing reactionaries, TERFs, and their ilk trying to stir shit up (see: Operation Pridefall) and (2) young people who don’t have any context for Pride, often haven’t been, and only really have queer politic and history from tumblr and twitter threads featuring reactionary revisionism from the first group. When I see people engage in this conversation, I generally assume they’re in the latter group, as it helps me try to frame my responses in the best faith I can given how tired I am of this shit.

But that aside, sure. Kink isn’t for children. But provided there’s a parent accompanying this hypothetical child at Pride, their job is to explain and provide context for the things they can, and give a solid “you’ll learn more when you’re older” for the things they can’t. The Village People are all each in different kink gear, and as a kid I was told “they like to dress up, and there’s some costumes specifically for adults,” and I was good. I saw bare titties at festivals, smelled weed at concerts, saw bulge at the beach — these are normal human things that happen in the world, and having a responsible adult nearby to explain or provide context for them made them non-issues for me. I don’t think a kid seeing a pup hood is thinking anything more than “oh cool, that dude is dressed up as a dog.” Kids understand fantasy and make-believe. And especially as they age into their teenage years, withholding or sheltering them from knowledge about sex and sexuality can do real damage — hell, we’ve been having that conversation for over a century at least.

(Spring’s Awakening was first published in 1891 and was deeply censored in productions for the better part of a century, due to the content of the work, which is about how sheltering young teens (both straight and queer) from sexual content (and also mental health resources) leads them to try to figure shit out on their own and make catastrophic decisions that they don’t understand the consequences of until it’s too late. Great play, pretty great musical adaptation, wild that we keep rehashing its points like clockwork over a century after publication.)

But I am also of the opinion that Pride isn’t for children, as, while two decades of assimilationist politic would desperately try to argue otherwise, I am queer because I am sexually attracted to, and have sex with, other men. Pride is a response to the criminalization of queer sex acts, and so it is, in turn, a celebration of queer sex acts. So if someone wants to walk around in chaps and a jock, great! If someone wants to wear their pup gear or a harness or a rope tie or a vest, fuck yeah! It’s a space specially carved out for celebrating the queer experience — the original Pride flag (before it was simplified to make it easier to mass produce for profit, which, again, love seeing our culture made into product) had a pink stripe at the very top, specifically representing sexuality. It is, ostensibly, the thing that defines our community (at least the L G and B parts of it) as an outgroup against the mainstream society.

I think that, if you are uncomfortable with kink displays, or you’re uncomfortable with children seeing kink displays, then Pride is not for you or your children! Don’t go! There’s kid-friendly and sanitized versions of Pride in most major cities, do some research into your local/state Stonewall organizations and you can find more about them. But I’m already sick of having actual cops at Pride, I don’t need people who are uncomfortable with displays of sexuality also policing myself or any other queer person in a space they have spent decades carving out for themselves.

A final note — if you don’t understand why a queer person would blow up and completely write off your bullshit after calling them a pedophile, I urge you to do more reading, more listening. I know that in this brave new world of same-sex marriage equality and PrEP access that it’s hard to remember the collective trauma that the community has experienced, but this shit is inflammatory, you’re straight up spewing fightin’ words. The dude wearing a leather harness at Pride isn’t trying to corrupt any youth or fuck any kids, they’re just trying to live their shit, and I’m sorry that you and so many others have somehow decided that that’s an attack on a demographic of people who aren’t the audience for a celebration of sexuality. We’re not fucking pedophiles, and this “think about the kids” nonsense is some Reagan-era bullshit.

[theimprobabledreamersworld]

Yayy! Despite trying to fight off a monster of a cold, I’ve got a new chapter written! :D

As I mentioned yesterday, this one is written from Logan’s POV because I’ve been wanting to create a back story for him in this story :) 

I’ll post the chapter under a line on here, but please check it out on Ao3 too! I love reading comments and stuff to find out what people think :)

Hope you like it!

Taglist: @psychedelicships  @edupunkn00b  @jwillowwolf @kacklingisanart @look-ma-im-on-tv @stardustlv @lost-in-thought-20

Chapter 5. My Heart Was Made Of Stone. And You Broke It Twice.

“But the wind has changed. My walls are weakening. They’re gonna fall soon. And I’m gonna need you.”

Logan was a man who always kept his emotions in check. He never let himself get too consumed by any kind of feeling. Happiness, sadness, love, hate, anger… Ever since he was sixteen, he refused to be vulnerable ever again. If you’re vulnerable, you can be broken. He had been broken far too many times when he was growing up.

His parents were agreeable, he couldn’t deny that… but he was never enough for them. Even as a young child, nothing was quite good enough. He remembered when the class teacher told his parents that he was the first child to learn how to write his name… he stretched up to show them and they let the paper flutter to the floor saying it wasn’t neat enough. He was only four! It got worse as he got older. Every time he was proud of something he had achieved, like getting a high grade, he was always asked why it wasn’t full marks. The unattainable goals were never reached and it took a lot to even vaguely satisfy them. He worked himself into the ground for the entirety of his school life, it affected his health, but they still weren’t happy. He was never strong enough, creative enough, serious enough, smart enough… and it hurt so much to know that. His friends however were amazing, they would always encourage him and make him take breaks when they knew he was working way too hard. They could always cheer him up and he was eternally grateful for that. Logan clenched his fists… he hated how much it knocked him down when he would walk in smiling over something that happened at school, to be told they weren’t interested and to just go and study. He always set himself up for the fall almost every day… no wonder emotions became such a hinderance. Luckily, music was his salvation for about eight years.

Logan took his head out of his hands, readjusted his eyes to the light and felt how raw they were from crying before staring at the dusty piano in the house intently. He used to be pretty good at playing. He loved his classical music, and still does. Just not playing it anymore. When he still had lessons, he was always thrilled with the challenge of increasingly difficult pieces given to him by his teacher. It was funny, his music teacher was the only person who ever truly believed in him. He was also the one person who could convince Logan to perform. The last concert he ever played in was the day before his sixteenth birthday, he played his most difficult piece to date… Chopin’s Fantasie Impromptu Op 66. They decided on that because it was originally a piece that no one was ever supposed to hear, Chopin never wanted it to be released after he died… but they did it anyway. His teacher said that he could then perform it however he wanted to, artistic interpretation and all that. He practiced and practiced at school so his parents wouldn’t hear it before. When it got to the concert, and his parents actually turned up, he was genuinely surprised. He walked out on the stage and sat down looking for his teacher who gave him a smile and a thumbs up, then the music began. He felt almost like he was watching himself play, he had never played with such determination before and as the final note rung out… there was silence. Before the room broke out into applause, his teacher was standing up clapping vigorously, then some of his classmates and other parents stood up too. His parents however were sat down, clapping politely with a neutral expression on their faces and Logan’s smile faltered. He gave a quick bow and walked quickly off the stage. His teacher followed him and gave him a hug while telling him how proud he was. Logan couldn’t stop the tears, he had never cried in front of another person, but no one had ever been proud of him before either. How embarrassing. The first time he had been shown positive interest by someone he respected, and he cried until the top of their shirt was damp with his tears. His teacher just held him and told him everything was okay. After he had calmed down and the tears had stopped, he went to go and join his parents for the second half of the concert, but their seats were empty.

In that moment, he didn’t get upset again and stayed unusually calm, and he knew that this was the final straw. He stayed at a hotel for the night at the insistence of his teacher, that way he could sort out his head and start looking up different apartment options. Which he did realise could be tricky as a sixteen-year-old… but he was smart, reliable, didn’t drink or smoke and had a substantial amount of money at his disposal. He waited until the morning and snuck back into his parent’s house to collect all of the things that he deemed necessary. Thankfully, the hotel manager was understanding and let him stay for the bare minimum price until he could find an apartment for himself. It took a few months, and the landlord had to be persuaded by his music teacher, but he found an apartment which was close to everything he needed and was affordable. One day, he would repay that teacher back for everything he had done for him.

He looked at the calendar, the picture of him and Virgil smiling and holding up their wedding ring hands was taunting him on the wall. He noticed the date. Wow, it had been ten years since he left without looking back, and he never heard a single word from them.

That was clearly for the best.

Ever since then, he never let emotions get the better of him ever again. However, as he looked around at the decimated living room, he had clearly broken and let all of those emotions consume him once again. Logan inspected the damage, as he traced the hole in the wall, the shattered photo frames and glass covering the floor, it caused his heart to fill up with regret. His heart was already full of pain, the regret was enough to make his heart quite literally tear in two. Virgil was the first person he felt like he could be vulnerable with again. When they first met, there was something about him, something that reminded him of himself. Maybe this guy was just as broken as he was, as he saw him hiding in the corner of the coffee shop trying to stay away from the world. He told Virgil this many times, but he had encased his heart in stone to keep it safe. As their relationship developed, as stupid as it sounds, he could feel the stone wall cracking and breaking off piece by piece, and he honestly didn’t mind in the slightest.

Now, he didn’t know what was going on with his heart. He was hurt, he was angry. It’s not every day you find out that the man you’ve been married to for the last five years spent most of his life as a well-trained and dangerous assassin. Going by Virgil’s words alone, the body count to his name is staggering and who knows how many people he’s hurt over the years. The argument they had earlier in the evening was playing on repeat in his mind.

“I couldn’t tell you!” Virgil shouted across the room.

“Why the hell not?! I’m your fucking HUSBAND Virgil, you are supposed to trust me. No matter what’s happened in your past!” Logan rubbed his forehead in frustration.

“Okay, you want to know why I hid everything from you? I did it to PROTECT you! My past is something that can be used against me, it is still being used against me. If anyone from it came after you… I would never be able to forgive myself!” The tears wouldn’t stop rolling down Virgil’s face as he spluttered out the words while his body shook with sobs.

Despite the hurt of seeing Virgil in so much pain, Logan couldn’t contain his anger. “What makes you decide if I need protecting? I can handle myself, ever since I was sixteen I’ve been on my own… You know that!”

Virgil sighed, like he was debating whether or not to say his next sentence.

“Remember when we met all those years ago? You told me about how you were attacked and how scared you were after it? Well… it was me. I was the guy who saved you. Every day since that moment, I vowed that I would protect you no matter the cost. Then I fell in love with you along the way, and I’ll love you until the end of time. If you want to know the truth about me, I know he gave you something. Look at it, and I won’t blame you if you try to turn me in to the police afterwards. I have to go now though, otherwise you will get hurt… I’m sorry, Lo.” Logan was left dumbfounded, and Virgil ran out of the front door, slipping away into the night.

There had been so many lies and too many secrets. He remembered that USB stick he threw in a drawer months ago. He opened it up and stared at the blue object, the label that read ‘Virgil… ?’ taunted him mercilessly. He looked over at his open laptop that was spared from his destructive anger, should he look at it?

Logan shook that thought away instantly, he needed to clear up first before making any kind of decision. He crouched down on the floor and started to sweep the glass over towards the sofa with his hand, just so he could clean it properly soon. He got to the first photograph, him and Virgil sitting in a restaurant holding hands and smiling at the camera. That picture was taken by Thomas and Nico, their two closest friends… He thought he should text them and see if they could come over. Virgil left half an hour ago, and he already felt too alone.

He’d contact them later, but for now. He wanted to stare at photographs and revel in his memories.

[pan-inc]

SDR2 Boys +Chiaki Figuring Out Their S/O Is FtM

  Blank (Aka Mod Rantaro) was working on part SDR2 and DRV3 of the boys when they have a crush on you, but she dislocated her wrist part way of writing them and insisted she finish them herself, so I decided to do some work and write this with some ideas from Blank since I’m not too good at making ideas ;;

  I don’t think I was too specific on whether or not they’re FtM or MtF, so go ahead and change the pronouns if you need!

  (I myself am not transgender and don’t know anyone who is, so I’m very sorry if I get some incorrect information on you guys)   Non-Despair AU

  Y/N- Your Name   D/N- Dead Name

-Mod Chihiro

Spoilers under the cut

  (Warning, there is a tiny bit of dead naming in this but not in a ‘them trying to be transphobic or rude’  way, just them not knowing your actual name yet.)

Hajime Hinata

  Not even gonna hide it, I headcannon Hajime as FtM as well, so let’s just go with he hasn’t told you about how he’s trans either.

  “YOU’RE TRANS?! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME BEFORE WE EVEN STARTED DATING D/N?!”

  Him calling you by your now dead name made you flinch slightly, “I-Im sorry! I knew that you would be grossed out and stuff, so I-”

  “Grossed out? Why the hell would I be grossed out by you being trans?”

  “Y-You just got mad... Mad at me? And... A-And......” You are very confused, his mood switch from yelling to being concerned was a bit too much to deal with over the heart-pounding anxiety of coming out to him.

  Your anxiety dies down a little and confusion rises through the roof once Hajime hugs you as tightly as he can, “I wasn’t mad at you being who you really are, I was just... A little upset that you didn’t trust me with this information earlier in our relationship, but I guess I have no room to talk.”

  You hug him back while not processing the last part of his explanation, snuggling your face into his neck instead. “I also have something to tell you.” “Hm?”

  “I’m also trans,,,,”

  So after you two coming out to each other he takes a little bit to get used to your new name, and he promises to himself that he’ll buy you literally anything you need from The Store™ to feel comfortable once he gets a hang of your name.

  If you feel ~dysphoria~ before then, he will not hesitate to let you borrow some of his baggier clothes and possibly even a binder if your body hates you enough.

Nagito Komeada

  You wanted to talk to him about your transition, but he just started rambling on and on about hope. You were getting a little upset (so was Hajime, but a lot more than just a little upset.) but your anxiety about him not accepting you forced you to stay quiet and just let him ramble.

  “God Nagito, if you’re not going to shut up for me at least do it to hear what D/N has to say.” Hajime snaps, shutting up Nagito.

  “Y/N...” You whisper softly in an attempt to correct Hajime, but he doesn’t hear.

  “Okay, what do you need D/N?” He seems slightly upset that Hajime interrupted his preaching, but lightened up when he started talking to you.

  “Please call me Y/N!” You accidentally shout, quickly covering your mouth, “Sorry for yelling...”

  Hajime, despite not knowing how to spell without help, clicked it in his brain what you were trying to say to Nagito, so he quickly excused himself and walks away.

  “I’m sorry Y/N, what do you need?”

  “I, uhm... You’re bisexual right? So, that means my transition won’t be too hard on you right?”

  Nagito tilts his head to the side, but then quickly picks you up and hugs you.

  “My wonderful Y/N is so amazing, don’t be filled with so much despair just because you want to come out to me!”

  Honestly, what else would you expect. He’s insanely supportive of your transition and thinks of you as an even more special hope that he isn’t deserving of. 

  You might have to reassure him a bit more than you usually did, but it’s 100% worth it in the end.

  Will totally lend you his jacket.

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu

  To be honest, you came out to Peko before getting anywhere close to coming out to Fuyuhiko. You knew he loved you with all of his heart, but you were worried about if that would change if you transitioned.

  Peko was really supportive, but she had let it slip a few times to Fuyuhiko.

  Thank God Peko is smart enough to make a smooth recovery to make sure Fuyuhiko doesn’t find out before you’re comfortable with him knowing.

  After a bit of encouraging and planning from Peko, you finally decided it was time to come out to him.

  You walk up to Fuyuhiko, who was talking to Peko, and pull on his suit sleeve as gently as you could while still gaining his attention. “Huh? Yeah D/N?” “Can we talk about something?” You respond, trying to not sound too serious to try to not scare him.

  Fuyuhiko looks at Peko, back at you, then back to Peko, as if asking for permission to leave the conversation.

  “Go ahead Young Master. Our conversation can wait.” She smiles and walks away, leaving you panicking to yourself and a confused Fuyuhiko.

  “U-Uhm... Does the Kuzuryu Clan support same sex relationships?”

  “Huh? The hell? Why do you want to know that?”

  “Because I am now the second leader of the Kuzuryu Clan, Y-Y/N! A-And now your.... Your b-boyfriend?”

  “Well fuck, they better support gays and transgenders or they’re getting kicked out and fucking murdered.”

  Peko smiles in strong Ally.

Kazuichi Soda

  Big think.

  Was he into guys? Before he got to know you, a gal (Sos if you aren’t), better he was enamored by Sonia, also a gal.

  From what you know, he’s never liked any guys, so what if he wasn’t okay with dating you when you transitioned?

  (Spoiler for later in this scenario, he’s bi-curious uvu)

  You decided to come out to him using your knowledge that he taught you about making electronic stuff.

  It was hard to hide that you were making something from him. but with a quick “I’m making a gift for you, you’re going to be so proud of me!” He (reluctantly) leaves you be to create whatever your creating.

  After a long bit of working, you had finally finished.

  Two little doll-like items (Kinda like Mini Maru) that looked like Kazuichi and the real you. The Mini Y/N was holding a trans flag and Mini Kazu had a blank flag that can be changed at a later time, and the two Minis had their arms intertwined.

  “Kazu~! Look look, I’m done with my project!”

  He turns and looks at your invention. “Oh, what is this D/N? Is that me? Who’s that?”

  “It’s me and you of course!”

  After a bit of his confusion, he understands and supports you greatly. Like a simp 

Gundham Tanaka

  After thinking about the pros and cons of every possible way to come out to  G U N D H A M  T A N A K A , you just decided to come out to him in a more straight-forward way after brainstorming with Sonia.

  You run up behind the slightly embarrassed G U N D H A M  T A N A K A who was being complimented by Sonia and jump onto him, almost making him fall over onto poor Sonia. After giving her the signal she excuses herself and makes her escape.

  After getting off G U N D H A M  T A N A K A ‘s back and calming him down from his extremely blushy state, you start panicking over what to do again.

  ‘What if he doesn’t like me because I’m a guy? What if he’s transphobic? Love isn’t the purpose of life, but he’s been such a huge part of me that I don’t even know how I’d be if he was gone. You’d be so lost without him-’

  “Fallen Angel, are you alright? My skin didn’t poison you, did it?” He asks, obvious concern in his voice.

  “Oh, no, it’s not that.” You take a deep breath, look up at him, and push your anxiety as far down as it can go.

  “I-I don’t want to be your Queen a-anymore!”

  “You... Don’t want to be my Queen?” There was a lot of pain in his voice and you realize what you said.

  “T-That’s not what I meant! I want to be your Queen of the Underworld and Overworld, b-but I would...” You take a deep breath, “I would rather be your K-King!”

  He pulls you into his arms and hugs you as tightly as he can, burying his face into your neck.

  You hug him back, “Also, please call me Y/N.”

  “Anything for my King. I will tell my Devas of this news so they do not make you uncomfortable.”

  Sonia is very happy about the energy she has created in the studio today.

Nekomaru Nedai

  I’m not very good at writing for Nekomaru so I’m gonna have to skip the coming out part, I’m very sorry if you wanted to read you coming out to him TvT

  But anyways~

  He isn’t the brightest light bulb, so he does his research.

  If you wear chest binders he’ll panic quite a bit but after asking you and gaining more knowledge, he goes less hard on you when it comes to exercising.

  Your binder is giving you troubles? Fucking take a break, take it off, B R E A T H E.

  Oh, you want muscles to look more ‘manly’ like him? First, he will let you know that you don’t have to look ‘manly’ to be who you are. If you still insist then he will help with your want.

Teruteru Hanamura

  Before you officially got together he would flirt with practically everyone no matter their gender, so you were pretty confident about him not leaving you because he’s ‘NoT gAy’.   So uh

  I’m horrible at writing him

  So just know he’s supportive and doesn’t really mind that you transition.

Chiaki Nanami

  “Hey Chiaki? Can I talk to you about something?” You walk into her room with your beautiful flag in your arms.

  “Yes D/N?” Chiaki hums, not looking away from the screen of whatever she was playing.

  You drape your flag over your arms and then wrap them around Chiaki’s neck in an attempt to hug her from behind, “Please call me Y/N.”

  She looks over at the flag and after a bit of the wheels in her brain turning, it clicks in her brain what you mean. “Okay. Is there anything else you need, Y/N?” You smile at your names coming from her and sit next to her properly and nuzzle into her hair while using your flag as a blanket, “Just your support.”

  She smiles softly, “You already have that bunny, you should know that already. Also, tell me if my nicknames make you feel uncomfortable.”

  Very supportive, will get into the head of anyone who says anything mean to you about you being transgender.

  But besides that she doesn’t really make a big deal of you being trans. A gud gorl.

Ultimate Imposter

  He’s someone who can and will be the impostor of anyone no matter their gender (’Cuz that’s his whole ultimate) So he absolutely wouldn’t judge you for changing genders, right?

  So I’ve rewritten this like 4 times, even with the help of Mod Rantaro, and neither of us know his personality very well so sorry about this.

  Either way, he’d be very supportive and buy you everything you need to feel comfortable in your body.

Izuru Kamakura

  Hm.

  Oh, you’re trans?

  Oh cool.

  So who are we giving despair to today?

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

[kpopblurbs]

Kinktober Day 25 - Filming

Pairing: Jae/Reader Word Count: 1.4k Tags: Phone sex, filming, deepthroating, vibrators, masturbation, long distance, female reader Kinktober 2019 Masterlist AO3 Link

(A/N: Yall this was so hard to write i literally finished it late last night and i was so fuckinf done with it lmao but like i dont hate it as much now as i did last night so i hope yall enjoy lmao also the formatting on this is terrible im sorry in advance)

You hated it when Jae went on tour, of course you were proud of him for being successful enough to spend so much time touring, but you hated that it meant you hardly got to see him. He did his best to facetime you as much as he could but most of the time he was tired and you understood that. Tonight though, you were determined to get his undivided attention. You had put on his favorite set of lingerie, the lacy fabric emphasizing all his favorite parts of your body. You waited until the sun was in the perfect spot in the sky, the golden light making your skin look like it was glowing. You took probably a hundred pictures until you were satisfied and laid down on the bed to look through them. You waited until you were sure he was done with any schedules before sending him a couple of your favorites. His response was almost immediate:

Are you trying to kill me??????

Just trying to make sure you dont forget about me 😘

That's all? Not trying to get anything else?

I'm sure you're tired so…

I'm never too tired for you We're almost back at the hotel gimme a few and then you'll have all my attention😉😉😉😉

You laughed, happy your plan had worked, you decided to use the few minutes you had to grab a couple of your favorite vibrators. You were already planning how your conversation with him would go as you laid out the toys neatly and snapped a picture.

(Image Attached) Pick one 😉

Are you trying to get started without me?

Absolutely

Heartless

😘😘😘😘 Pick one now and I'll wait I swear

The one I choose isn't in the picture There's a box in my underwear drawer

…....why?

I was saving it to surprise you when you needed it and apparently you need it

You squinted at your phone suspiciously before walking over to the dresser. You opened up his drawer and dug through it quickly finding a small box. You opened the box to reveal a small U-shaped vibrator. Your phone lit up with a notification:

I bet you found it by now It's bluetooth So I can control it From here

This is the most romantic gift I've ever gotten 😭😭😭

You're annoying We're at the hotel I'll call you when I get to my room

I'll be waiting 😉

You sat down on the bed and messed around with the vibrator flipping through its settings and seeing how intense it could get. You jumped as your phone rang, scrambling to pick it up before taking a deep breath.

"Hey." you answered the phone, not letting your excitement show just yet.

"What made you so impatient today?" you heard the noise of his hotel room door shutting as he spoke and you smiled knowing that he called you the second he was alone.

"I just missed you, is that a crime?"

He laughed, "Only when you tease me like that when I'm not alone."

"Well then I guess you better punish me." you said putting on an overdramatic sexy voice.

"How am I supposed to punish you from so far away?"

"You're a smart boy, you'll think of something." you teased.

“Did you test out the vibrator?”

“Of course.”

“Turn it on.” you did as he told you and waited for a few seconds before it started changing speeds and vibration patterns on its own until it stopped.

“Did you stop it?”

“Yup.”

“It works.”

“God technology is incredible.”

You laughed, “Are you gonna marvel at it or are we gonna actually have some fun?”

“Bold of you to assume I’m not already having fun.” you heard him shifting around, the unmistakable sound of him shimmying out of his pants coming through the speaker.

“Without me?” you gasped doing your best to sound offended.

“For someone who was so impatient earlier you sure are taking a long time to get this started.”

You sighed, laying back on the bed and setting the vibrator on your stomach, “Well how do you want me to start?”

“Well it’d be great if you could touch me instead of having to do it myself.”

“Pretend it is.” you said, your voice lowering as you tried to set the mood, “Imagine I’m there, wrapping my hand around your dick.” You heard him grunt as he touched himself and smiled, “You remember how I do it, right?”

He groaned, “You -ah- you start off slow.”

“Do it like I would.” you instructed. He groaned but you could tell he was doing what you told him, his breathing starting to get heavier as he teased himself. “Let me see what you’re doing, baby.” you said, upset that you weren’t getting the full experience.

“Shit -ah- hold on.” you heard him moving around, about a minute later you heard the sound of a notification coming through. You checked your phone to find a video that he had sent, you pressed play, the video only filming his hand on his dick you watched his slow teasing movements.

“God I wish I was there to make you fall apart.” you said as the video finished.

“Use the vibrator I wanna hear you.” he whined, you smirked at how needy he was as you moved your hand down your body letting out a soft groan as you slipped your hand into your panties and rubbed a finger over your clit. He went silent, listening to your soft whines as you teased yourself, you slipped a finger into yourself, getting yourself well and truly worked up before grabbing the vibrator. You pushed one end inside of yourself and let it settle into place, the U-shape allowing it to press up against your g-spot and clit at the same time.

“Okay, baby, do your worst.” you said with a grin, you jolted as the vibrations started letting out a moan as he turned it up high. “Fuck that feels so good.” you gasped out, your free hand gripping the sheets tightly.

“Do you wanna know what I get off to when I’m away?”

“W-What?” you heard the sound of another notification and checked your phone to see that he had sent you another video. This one was older, you remembered when it was filmed, “You still have this?” you asked.

“Of course it’s my most prized possession.” you laughed as you pressed play, immediately you were greeted by a video shot from Jae’s perspective of yourself on your knees in front of him. You watched as you wrapped your hand around his dick, stroking him a couple of times before taking him into your mouth. You heard him groan from behind the camera as you took him fully into your mouth.

You couldn’t lie, watching yourself suck Jae off was getting you worked up much quicker than you expected, “Wow, I see why you like to watch this.” you said between moans and whimpers. You watched as in the video you deepthroated Jae, gagging around his dick and bringing tears to your eyes.

“It’s so fucking hot.” Jae moaned out, you felt the vibrator turn up a level and gasped.

“God I wish you were here.” you moaned.

“You would feel so much better around my dick than my hand.”

“And you always fuck me so good.” you could feel yourself getting closer to your orgasm just thinking about being with him.

“I’m -ah- I’m close.” Jae gasped.

“Cum for me, baby.” you moaned. You heard him cry out as he came, the sounds pushing you over the edge. You moaned loudly, the vibrator working you through your orgasm, you switched it off before it could overstimulate you, knowing that he was too distracted to turn it off. You were both silent, breathing heavily as you came back down from your highs.

“That was fun.” Jae said after a few seconds.

You laughed, “I miss you.” you said softly.

“I miss you too.” he responded, “Now go eat something, I know it’s dinner time for you.”

“I’d rather talk to you.”

“Same here but I’m not gonna let you starve yourself for me.”

“Can we facetime after I eat?”

“Absolutely.”

“Then fine I’ll go eat.”

“Good, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Hey.”

“What?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” the two of you quickly said your goodbyes and you sighed as you hung up the phone before getting up to get yourself food as promised.

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 7

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.2k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: that evening together will end in the next chapter! it makes me so happy to get all your comments and asks, so thank you times a million. im always super excited to update this because of you guys, so thank you, ily!

here are a few requests!

(SPOILERS OF THE CHAPTER)

Chapter 7 : His chapter

NIALL

I remained awake for hours, just laying on my back in the dark as Heidi was sleeping. I could have thought about the tantrum she threw or how I was going to comfort her in the morning but the truth was, the only thing that was obsessing me was the almost-kiss I had had with Olivia. I grabbed my phone on the bedside table and went back to our conversations. It was short, pretty much the opposite of how we used to text each other, and I licked my lips as I stared at my screen. I wanted to text her even if I knew it was a bad idea. I felt like we had to talk about what had happened or more about what hadn't happened.

'I'm sorry I hope you're okay'

I stared at the words and sighed before deleting it and typing again.

'Can we talk? Coffee tomorrow?'

I blinked a few times and this time, I just raised my eyebrows and shook my head as I deleted my words again.

'The song is about you.'

This time, I stared at my words longer. I didn't have a good way with words and communication was never my biggest strength, hence why I focused and counted on writing songs to let out my feelings, but I was not sure it was a good thing to let her know. Most likely, she already knew that. After all, I had written a whole album about her already, and I made it clear I still had feelings for her, didn't I?

I had my thumb hovering over the 'send' button as I held my breath but I was not sure I had the courage to actually click on it. I don't know how long I stared at the screen but I frowned slightly when my phone started vibrating in my hand, showing Louis’ smiling face, his two middle fingers up. I rolled my eyes with a chuckle, remembering he was the one who had actually picked this picture, and got out of bed quietly. I walked out of the room and closed the door slowly before answering him in a low tone as I walked to the kitchen.

"Hello?"

"Hey mate, were you sleeping?"

I opened the fridge and grabbed milk before getting a glass.

"No." I sighed. "Sorry again for earlier, it was a mess."

"Don't worry about it, I think some of us had too much wine." he brushed it off. "I was just calling to know if everything was okay. Did Heidi keep yelling at you?"

I sighed and turned around, pushing my glass of milk further and leaning my elbows on the counter as I closed my eyes.

"She didn't, and yea i'm okay." I said before pressing my lips together. "How's she?"

I didn't have to say a name, I knew Louis understood immediately who I was talking about. I felt bad that she had to go through my girlfriend's outburst but it was not really surprising when it came to Heidi. After she sat on me a few times and kissed me at random moments, I realized why she had proposed this dinner. She just wanted to 'claim' me as hers in front of Liv. If I had known, I would have been clearer with her before our guests would have arrived that I didn't want too much public display of affection but knowing Heidi, it wouldn't have changed much.

"I don't know." he finally admitted. "I mean, i'm at El's right now."

"You left her alone?" I felt something in my stomach stir, trying not to show that it upset me but I was pretty sure it showed.

"Mate, i'm not her mother. Olivia is a big girl, she can take care of herself. Besides, she's not alone."

I held my breath at his words and shut my eyes tighter. Of course she was not alone, what did I expect?

"How do you know?" I just grumbled low, making Louis chuckle.

"I texted her to ask her if she was okay but she just said she was with Dylan. You know what that normally means."

"I don't want to know."

It was one thing to know that sometimes, she had sex with her boyfriend but to know exactly when it happened made me feel sick. I put my glass in the sink and walked to the front door, opening it slowly and walking outside. The air of the night was cool and I shivered slightly as I stared up at the sky.

"You still love her, don't you?"

His words, especially after such a long moment of silence, seemed to slap me hard.

"Yes." I let out as I sighed, shaking my head and closing my eyes again.

"She's getting married, Niall." he added firmly. "What are you gonna do about it?"

When Louis called me by my name, I knew it was getting serious. I rubbed my eyes hard and sighed again as I realized how tired and exhausted I was. I had been in contact with Olivia only for a few days and everything was already a mess. I was a mess and so was she, I could see it in her eyes earlier, in my room.

"We.. we almost kissed." I admitted low, passing my hand in my hair.

"Fooking hell, Niall."

The way her lips had brushed against mine, her breath on my skin, the way she smelled... all of this was driving me insane, and the worst was that I realized it had nothing to do with sex. It was just her. She had that effect on me.

"She's the one who stopped it."

It made me realize that if we had kissed, Heidi would have caught us, she would have yelled louder, she would have told everyone and she would have broken up with me. Yes, it would be an even bigger mess but that way, Liv and I would have had a chance. I shook my head at this disgusting thought, ashamed of myself for even hoping for it just a second.

"I know you're confused, Niall, but I swear on my life, if you hurt her again, i'm gonna fucking kill you."

"Louis, I would never-"

"No no, no. I was the one who picked her up, okay? Not you. I was the one who heard her cry every fucking night because you broke her heart to go fuck with half the town. I was the one who lived with her, who saw it all." he let out rudely, making me hold my breath. "I saw how far she's come. I saw her get stronger, more self-confident. I saw her get a smile back, allow someone else in, I saw her turn into a queen. You weren't there, Niall. You have no idea how tough it was for her."

"It was... it was tough for me too." I argued, grimacing at my own words.

"So tough that the next day you had your prick buried in some random fanny." Louis said bluntly as I closed my eyes. "Don't make this about you, Niall. You broke up with her and now you regret it. I get it, I've done the same stupid thing, but for different reasons. You just can't come back and mess up the life she built without you, at least not if you're not sure it's exactly what you want."

I remained silent because there was nothing else to say, nothing to add, nothing to argue about. Louis was right, I didn't know what she went through and I was the only one to blame for this. Did that mean I had to give up?

"Look, Neil, go to bed okay?" Louis proposed after sighing. "We all need to sleep on that."

"Okay."

"Just make sure that you do that because you really love her, and not because you can't stand to see her happy without you, or because you want to prove to yourself that you can."

I shut my eyes tight and felt my heart jump in my chest as I pulled on my hair. It was not that at all and I knew it. I thought about her every single day since the night I broke up with her. I never stopped loving her, not even a second.

"'Night mate, sleep well."

"You too, Lou."

We hung up and slowly, I walked back inside and let myself fall on the couch. I lied down and put my arm over my face to hide my eyes as I felt them tingling. I swallowed hard not to make a sound but I felt myself tear up and turned around to face the back of the couch. It was ridiculous, I didn't even know why I was crying. All I knew was that I needed it.

                                                   ---

I woke up to the sound of dishes clinking and footsteps. I groaned, turning on the couch and sighing until I realized it was impossible to fall asleep again. My eyes still closed, I sat up before rubbing them and finally turned to my girlfriend who was moving quite fast around the kitchen.

"What are you doing?"

"A shake." she just said without looking at me. "I'm a bit late, I was supposed to work out this morning."

I grimaced and finally got up slowly, walking to the kitchen to make coffee. She leaned against the counter to finish her drink but I could feel her eyes on my nape as I grabbed a mug. I didn't want to turn around to face her, I didn't want to have a discussion. All I wanted was a cup of coffee and my phone.

"Did you sleep well, alone on the couch?"

I shrugged and slowly walked away to grab the sugar and milk, making sure I didn't look at her.

"I couldn't sleep last night, came in to watch tv and fell asleep on the couch." I explained, looking at the brown liquid falling in the pot. "Could have been worse."

"The tv was not on." she pointed out.

"I woke up in the middle of the night to turn it off but was too tired to get up and get back in bed." I replied with a frown, finally turning to look at her. "What's this? An interrogation?"

"You want a real question, Niall?" she asked, taking a step closer and putting her glass on the counter. "Did you kiss your ex girlfriend last night?"

I was surprised at how forward she was and at the same time, I felt relieved. All that mattered to her was what I did, and not how I felt. I would have had a hard time answering a question about my feelings for Olivia, but my actions were clean, at least for now.

"No, Heidi. I didn't kiss her."

I kept staring in her eyes as she was studying me and I could sense that she was not sure if she should believe me. I couldn't blame her, I was very close to kiss Liv. Hell, if she had wanted me to, I would have kissed her without a second thought.

"I'm sorry for how I reacted, but I still think it was inappropriate of you to be together alone in the same room." she admitted with a small shrug, grabbing her glass again and drinking what was left in it. "She's not your girlfriend anymore, and she's not even your best friend anymore. That best friend relationship you two had has died with your  romantic relationship. It can never be the same, and you both can't expect Dylan and I to accept it."

I stared at her and felt my heart sink in my chest. Was she right? Was everything I had built with Olivia in twenty years over because of a mistake I made? Was I holding onto something that would never come back?

"I'll be back later." I jumped when I felt my girlfriend's lips against mine and shook my head lightly. "Love you!"

I watched her leave and licked my lips, knowing I should answer her but not really wanting to. She waved at me and sent me a small smile that I answered before letting myself fall on one of the chairs, my face in my hands. How was I supposed to forget about the only girl I ever fell in love with? How could anyone expect me to get over her?

                                                    ----

I decided not to call Olivia and wait until she would reach to me. I knew that when we almost kissed, it had changed things between us, I just wasn't sure what had changed and how. Did she hate me now? Would she decide it was better if we didn't see each other anymore? The first day, I was checking my phone every half an hour, just in case I missed it, but it had been three days and I was losing hope. That's why I glanced at my phone and groaned when I heard my phone ring. I sighed but finally reached for it, feeling my heart skip a beat when I realized it was her.

"Hey petal, how are you?" I just said, trying to sound casual.

"Hey Nee, uhm, look, I've got a problem." she admitted in a low tone, making me frown. I sat better on the couch and waited. "We don't have power here and they say it won't be back before tomorrow. I have this super important scene to write and I just.. I was lazy, and basically, i'm last minute. I'm supposed to e-mail it to them before morning. I know your girlfriend may not like that but, would you mind if I came by for a few hours and worked at your place?"

I felt my heart jump again in my chest and licked my lips.

"Heidi's not here, you can spend the night." I proposed. Silence. "I have a guest room."

"Oh. Uhm, are you sure it's alright?"

My lips curled and I cleared my throat, squirming a bit on my seat.

"Yes, of course. Do you need me to pick you up?"

"No, it's cool, thank you so much, I'll be there in half an hour."

I felt suddenly nervous when we hung up and I just got up to change the sheets in the guest room since no one really slept there ever. I walked around the place to be sure everything was alright and finally checked in the fridge for a bottle of wine. I found a white one and brought it to the living room just as the doorbell rang. I saw her stand there, biting her bottom lip, with her bags on her shoulder, her purse in one hand and her laptop bag in the other.

"You're my savior." she just said when our eyes met, shaking her head slightly. "They'll kill me if I don't send this damn script."

My lips curled more and I chuckled low, moving to let her in. She stepped inside and let her bags fall next to the couch before turning to look at me. I watched her from afar and realized how perfect the sight was : only her in my living room. This is exactly what I wanted.

"It's my pleasure." I just said before she smiled and grabbed her laptop. "You don't write all the scripts alone, do you?"

I saw her grimace as she placed her laptop on the coffee table and turned it on.

"Not really. I write a draft, they check it and change a few things. We have to agree on everything, that was part of the deal. I didn't want to let them change my whole story you know? I needed a veto right."

I walked closer and poured us a glass of wine and she thanked me after taking a long sip. We both sat down and I leaned my elbows on my knees to be closer to her as she stared at her screen. I knew I shouldn't bother her but I couldn't help it.

"I'm surprised you called me." I let out. "I mean, i'm surprised you asked for my help."

She glanced up at me and grimaced.

"The truth is, you're the fourth person I call." I raised my eyebrows, feeling a bit hurt, but tried not to show it. "There's no power at El's either, Harry and his girlfriend are gone to London and Julie wasn't answering."

"Oh."

"Sorry Niall... To be frank, I thought your girlfriend was here and last time I saw her she yelled at me so I wasn't too keen in coming here but I was desperate. Where is she?"

"She's uhm." I sat better and rubbed my eyes slightly. "She's gone for the weekend. Just filming an episode of a new tv show."

I noticed her face change a bit, her smile faltered, her eyes dropped and she licked her lips. I wished I could decipher what exactly that meant and she sent me a sad smile. Why did she seem disappointed in my answer?

"Dylan's gone for the weekend too. Just a meeting to talk about that new movie and all." she explained with a shrug. "Can't believe he'll be gone for weeks after that. And in Australia, too. What's so great about Australia anyway?"

I chuckled and shrugged. "Where to start?"

"I heard about how good the women look, you can skip that part."

"Is that something that bothers you?"

She looked up and her sad smile turned into an amused one. She chuckled and shook her head, grabbing her glass again and taking an other sip. I watched her and suddenly she seemed to glow exactly the way she did when I saw her at the bakery. It made me want to grab her face and kiss her. It made me want to take her on that damn coffee table. It made me want to fucking marry her.

"Naa, not at all." she admitted with a shrug. "If the person i'm dating leaves me for someone else, they were just not meant for me. I'm tired to be jealous and scared. No matter how I feel, if they have to leave, they will. It doesn't matter if I cry, or get jealous."

My lips parted at her answer and that's when I knew exactly what Louis meant when he said he saw her turn into a queen. She was the same Olivia I knew, that much was true, but the girl I knew was now a woman, and the way she thought was sexier than I thought it would be. That confidence she didn't have before turned me on physically but also emotionally. I was in love with a queen.

"What?" she wondered with a chuckle. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"N-No I mean, I just didn't expect that answer."

Her smile faltered and she looked back at her laptop, her fingers running on the keys quickly.

"You're part of the reason I think like that, Niall." she confessed in a low tone as she kept typing quickly. "I gave you all of me and you left anyway."

Something twisted in my chest and I swallowed the guilt that seemed to go up in my throat. She was right but that was a very painful lesson to learn, and I was the one who hurt her that bad. I always knew it but hearing it from her mouth seemed to hit me even more.

"You were never the problem." I admitted after a few minutes of silence.

She stopped typing and breathed in and out without moving, her eyes still on her screen. I wanted to get closer to her and take her in my arms but I didn't dare. In fact, I felt like I didn't have the right to touch her at all.

"You left, Niall." she explained, shaking her head lightly. "That's pretty much the only thing that matters. I did believe the problem was me for a very long time, no matter what everyone told me. But now, the only thing that remains is the fact that you left. If Dylan does the same thing, whether it's for an other girl or to be single, then he will."

"He won't." I just said, realizing that this fact actually hurt me.

"I don't think he will either." she agreed. "But I didn't think you were going to leave and you did. I mean, I didn't think I'd lose your friendship."

"I realize now that I was wrong but, when I broke up with you, I thought you hated me." I explained. "That's why I disappeared."

This time, she turned her head and we looked at each other again. I could see the light from my lamp reflect in her sad eyes and I glanced down at her lips when she licked them before looking up back up. She seemed so strong yet vulnerable at the same time and all I could think about was that I wanted her to be mine again.

"I never hated you, Niall." she whispered before clearing her throat. "That's always been my biggest problem."

I was about to tell her that I never hated her either, that i've always loved her, that actually, I was still in love with her and always would be, but she cut me with a fake smile and a shrug.

"I really need to finish this, can you give me an hour or two?"

I swallowed my words and nodded, grabbing my phone to check stuff online. I didn't want to turn the tv on in case it would distract her and make it harder for her to write, but I couldn't help and glance at her from time to time. Watching her write was always something interesting to me. She made faces, shook her leg nervously, licked her lips, groaned and grimaced... She didn't even realize what she was doing, and witnessing it made my heart swell with love. I could swear I  turned into a teenage girl whenever she was around and I could barely handle my feelings.

After exactly an hour and fourteen minutes, she groaned and leaned against the back of the couch, rubbing her eyes and yawning. I put my phone away and stared at her as she stretched her arms and finally sighed.

"It really sucks, but i'm sending it anyway."

"You're got all night, no worries."

She chuckled and rolled her eyes before bending down again and clicking on something quickly.

"My mind is blank. I'm tired. It's sent."

I grabbed her glass and filled it again before handing it to her and she smiled at me. We kept quiet as we drank a bit, enjoying the silence of the evening but after a while, I took my phone in my hand again.

"Pizza?"

"Fuck, yes please." she replied with a laughter, making me smile even more.

I ordered quickly and grabbed the remote to turn the tv on. We watched a funny tv show but all I could do was focus on the way she laughed. I was so happy she was there with me I could barely believe it. I've never been a firm believer of that but, was that fate? Was someone or something giving me a second chance? Or was I just seeing into this too much? Because when you really want something, anything can look like a sign of destiny, right?

"D'you think you can get us more wine?"

I smiled and nodded before quickly getting up just as the doorbell rang. I turned to her and raised my eyebrows, shrugging a shoulder.

"I'll get the wine, you get the pizza." i proposed. "My wallet is on the table next to the door. I think I've got a few bills left."

She nodded but rolled her eyes and left while I reached the kitchen, searching for an other bottle or white wine. When I walked back, I watched her as she turned off her laptop and put it away, replacing it with the pizza. I stood in the door frame just staring at her pushing her hair out of her face and over her shoulder as something stirred in my stomach. I never needed her more than I did in this moment and although I knew it was wrong, I knew I needed to find a way to get her back. It was not about winning, it was not about proving to myself that I could, or being pissed that she was happy without me, like Louis said. No, the reason was deeper. I wanted to spend my life making this girl happy, and only her. I had the deep conviction that not only she was my soulmate in this lifetime, but in every fucking lifetimes and alternate universes you could think of. We were meant to be. I knew it. And when she turned to me to send me a fond smile, I knew that she shared the exact same certitude.

[taikeero-lecoredier]

i literally feel like I’m getting punished for being such a procrastinator

Back in 2017,I had such an overflowing energy to discuss septic egos/ mark egos ideas and stories with my friend.And because I was such a procrastinator,i never ended up drawing or making fanfics out of those storied,despite me saying stuff like “oh i should draw that”I feel like I missed so many opportunities,and this year,despite me saying I’d create more (which I still intend to do) i feel like..I’m too late.The community seems to be tearing itself from the inside,people dont want to be associated with Sean anymore (i dont wanna go into the specifics again,and honestly,i cant blame them for wanting to do that) and so many people recently would rather turn their versions of the egos into ocs rather than keep them as egos on their own (which,again,i understand,as its a different sort of outlet to use your creativity flow,so all the more power to you,im not making this post to bash people turning the egos into ocs,itd be so fucking ridiculous)But I cant help but feel so distressed by all of this.Because before,people weren’t turning away like that en masse. Like many people,I also ask myself this question.What hapenned?Why is this happening? I’d rather see people saying they lost interest and move on,rather than leaving because they resent Sean,or JSE stuff in general.It would be such a better ending to this. And now,that im planning on thinking off art events to let people go wild with their creativity with the JSE egos,people are leaving. And..it hurts.And i regret so much not starting interacting more with people sooner. I feel guilty. I’m not planning on leaving or disconnecting myself form the septic egos myself anytime soon,but its just so painful to watch. I’ll never regret joining the fandom,because through this,I was able to meet some of my best friends. (You know who you are,and I love you guys so much) It just stings so much that,a place that used to be so warm,and welcoming,and full or fun stuff is turning up like this,because of multiple factors. And I have the bad(???) habit to try and reassure EVERYONE I come across being sad regarding this situation that “hey,maybe its just a bad moment!Maybe things are super shitty right now,but since things can’t stay the same forever,surelly that must mean there’s still hope,right?” Right? But people can only stay hopeful for so long.And who can blame them? Im just..so sad,and tired. And now that i’m kicking myself in the butt so I can actually do something with the egos,and that i’m seeing what’s happening with the fandom,its like I’m being told: “Aha!Too late!You waited for too long to get moving and do something with your ideas,and now everyone is leaving because of those bad stuff happening!Its your fault for not starting to draw or write seriously earlier!!Too bad!!You should have created when things were good and stable before!Sucker” Thats literally what i’m feeling right now,and its literally eating me away. I feel a bit bad making this post after I just talked to my friends about this,and they already gave me advice,like stop going in the jse tag,and other things,but.. ... I hate making people worry because of stuff I feel,but If i keep bottling things up,its just gonna explode at some point. Im sorry for posting this in the main tag,but ..I just..I just want for those who are unaware to.. be aware of what’s happening. I really,really want people to understand. Some people don’t understand why people are upset toward Sean.Or why they’re unhappy with the community. Its simply because people who brought up genuine concerns are sometimes being bashed by others who can’t stand seeing negavitity,despite being in their right to speak about those issues in a civil manner. People who speak up get unfairly placed in the same category of those “hateful tea blogs” who treat people who still have hope in Sean/are still in the fandom as the literal devil. (and other stuff,but Im too done to talk about these blogs in depths) For a fandom that was so accepting,encouraging,and welcoming?It feels bad to see so what’s happening.I feel bad. I feel even more bad when i remember that one person,who was such a sweetheart,and so creative with the egos.What would she think of this situation if she were still here? Would she have stayed regardless?Would have she turned her versions of the egos into ocs?Would she have resented Sean and left completely?Or would she have made some uplifting and hopeful posts? I dont know.I’ll never know. i miss her. I miss the old times. ... So please..We can’t rely on jack to make everything all better in the community,it seems.So.. Please. Let people who are worried speak up in peace.Don’t put them in the same basket as those who shit on jse fans and put down sean just for the sake of putting him down. Let them speak. And please,don’t pull the “If you dont like Sean anymore than fucking leave/stop watching him if you dont like the content” when they’re literally calmly saying “Hey i dont like [x] thing Sean did recently.I’d like for him to adress this tbh!” This. This would be the first step toward a better future for the community,if you stopped doing this. Please stop driving nice people away from the fandom by doing this. Please. I want 2020 to be a good year. People should be allowed to criticize things Sean does respectfully.it does not equal hate automatically. ..This is starting to be long. So i’ll just end by saying..For those who wish to stay regardless of this amdness..Don’t hesiate to send me asks okay?..I want to keep enjoying the egos.And seeing people’s creations.I will always give feedback and reblog if i see an edit,fic,art,etc,that i like. I will get that prompt list done.I swear.In the meantime..Stay safe,keep creating and..

Be civil.