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ALEXITHYMIA CH 3: nightmares, pepto, and fire
Roommate AU: Carmy Berzatto x Reader (R18)
ao3 link ch 1 ch 2 ch 4
Chapter Rating: M (7.9k)
Chapter Summary: Carmy can't run from how he feels anymore. His dreams, his conversations with his coworkers and friends, everything is forcing him to face reality. Upon being pushed to his limits, he will finally have to start to speak the truth.
content tags: wet dreams, repressed carmy (as per usual), self deprecation, mental illness
A/N: Carmy gets a wet dream AND a nightmare this chapter! I'm putting him through the ringer babes… I had a lot of fun with the drama, interactions, and imagery this time. Also fun fact, this is the end of what I refer to as "Act 1" in my notes! Act 1 consists of repressed Carmy to the max, barely even acknowledging his feelings… but that's gonna change after this chapter :) enjoy!
After a torturous day at work, one that makes his limbs feel like lead, Carmy is more than relieved to see the door to his apartment.
Surprisingly, though, it swings open without him even touching it. He's too tired to think twice about it. He steps inside, and the first thing he sees is his roommate. They're dressed exclusively in a black apron, just like they were that other night.
“Hi, Carmy,” they say quietly, and their makeup is messy and dark just like that night they were trashed. He remembers how he felt the first time he saw them like that, because he feels it now. “I missed you.”
“I missed you, too,” he hears himself saying.
They walk up to him, and suddenly, they're on top of him. Their hands press gently against his tense shoulders. His back hits his bed, pillows under his neck.
“You snooped through my stuff, didn't you?” Their hands move behind them to drop their apron, revealing skin, skin, and more skin. It goes on forever.
“Sorry,” he mumbles half-heartedly, distracted by their nakedness.
“Hm. I don't think you're all that sorry, but…that's okay.” They drag their hand down the center of his chest, slowly, teasingly, lovingly. “I wanted you to see.”
A bottle of lube materializes in their hand.
“You did?”
“I did,” they whisper. They uncap the lube with a low pop, and suddenly, their skin is shiny with it. Carmy runs his hand down their chest, squeezing, and it's slippery to the touch. “You wanna see what I like to do with this?”
“Please,” he whispers back, breathless, desperate for it. They smile, and it doesn't quite look like them. Heat circles in his gut nonetheless.
“You're so sweet,” they say quietly. “I love that about you.”
He can't respond, not with the way they're touching him. Not that he can come up with a response to that. The pleasure is like fire under his skin, hot, alive, and painful.
“Don't say that,” he pleads, and it feels so good.
“Why not? It's how I really feel about you.”
Their mouth is on his neck now. He can barely breathe. A part of him worries that there's gonna be lipstick marks he'll have to get off again, but he honestly couldn't care less. He'll go to work covered in lipstick marks if he has to.
“Shut up,” he tries again, but it's even weaker this time.
I'm gonna end up hurting you, he wants to say, but he can't.
“Don't you like how good I can make you feel?” They lean up to seal their lips against his, and smoke fills his mouth. He takes it in like water. The high hits him immediately, along with the spike in pleasure.
“I'm close,” he whispers, bucking against their hand.
“Me too.” They straddle his waist then, a playful look in their eye. “I know just the thing…”
Just as they go to unbutton his jeans, an alarm screams into his ear, and his eyes fly open to see his bedroom ceiling.
Stunned, he slams his hand down to shut up his alarm. He lays there in the silence, slowly processing everything. From the moment he woke up, his heart's been racing.
He moves to sit up, get a sip of water, and that's when he feels how sticky his boxers feel.
“Motherfucker,” he mutters under his breath. He doesn't even have any water on his nightstand, and he just came in his sleep for the first time since highschool. “Shit.”
The shame is too much. He has to sit there for several more minutes in silence before getting himself clean.
There are no words to express the emotion he feels as he changes his boxers and wipes himself down. It's a strange mixture of guilt, shock, and lingering arousal. He needs to make sure he doesn't think about it at work unless he wants to walk around with an obvious bulge in his pants.
You need to head into work so you can stop thinking about it, he tells himself, to which he agrees.
He does his best not to think about it on his way to work, which only garners minimal success. In other words, it's a spectacular failure. It's a miracle he doesn't clock in with a poorly concealed boner, but there are other factors.
For one, his nausea. It crept up on him soon after waking up, and it looks like it's here to stay. It's fine, though, because he's used to his stomach being fucked. His brain is on fire and so is the rest of his body—just as usual. He'll just take some pepto when he gets to work.
Except that when he reaches for it on the bathroom shelf, there is no pepto bottle. That's when he remembers the way he chugged the rest of it the week before. So the nausea remains.
When he arrives, the comments about the lipstick mark being gone is unavoidable. His irritation is also naturally unavoidable. His sour mood does him no favors. However, in a twisted sort of luck, he realizes they're behind on far too many things, and he hones in, focuses on nothing else. Everyone else is too swamped with work to keep up the teasing.
The lunch rush is expectedly awful, especially with the swelling tensions in the kitchen. Everyone gets through it with minimal screaming.
Staying busy is supposed to help. Keeping himself occupied is supposed to help, but the moment the lunch rush ends, the nausea hits him at full blast.
“You look like shit,” Richie kindly tells him. A ‘fuck off’ sits on the tip of Carmy's tongue, but so does the feeling of bile, rising in his throat. “Wow, you really are sick, aren't you?” He remarks at Carmy's lack of response.
In as little words as possible, Carmy relays to everyone he'll be in his office.
He keeps the lights off and the door cracked as he falls back onto his chair. The world around him seems to settle like sand. It's been a while since he's dealt with nausea this bad. He counts that as a blessing in itself.
The darkness and the quiet is nice. It relaxes his body. On the flipside, though, there's no noise to overpower the thoughts he's running from.
He closes his eyes, and he sees imprints of his dream. He feels their mouth on his neck, their voice in his ear, their hand on his—
Carmy slaps a hand on his forehead. Then, he sighs, dragging it slowly down his face. His stomach twists inward into itself.
He thinks about seeing his reflection in the mirror last night. His skin was free from the lipstick mark that everyone was relentlessly teasing him about. And yet, he was struck with a profound sense of disappointment.
You liked seeing it there, a voice somewhere hidden in him whispers.
Carmy really feels like throwing up now.
He settles in the darkness for a while longer until a notification lights up his screen, briefly illuminating the room with a low white light.
His first instinct is to groan and flip his phone face down, which he follows about halfway through until he sees the contact name.
The text message is from the person haunting his dreams and his waking life.
- hey thinking abt cooking chicken and rice tonite or something. u want some??
Just when he was able to get a break from thinking about them. Just like that, they're orbiting his brain again.
Visions of them jacking him off aside, he's unsure what to say. He doubts he's gonna be able to get anything down today. This isn't the first time something like this has happened on his end.
> maybe tmrw, stomach is fucked today. ill take leftovers if u make some
- oh no :( feel better man. u got medicine?
> no but its ok, ill take some after work
- but thats so far away!
He can't help but smile, even if looking at the screen isn’t making his nausea any better.
> ill be ok. ill make it
He’ll make it because he has to. No one else is gonna run the place for him. That’s a part of what makes him stand up, take in a breath, and return to the kitchen. The other part is the familiar distant sound of arguing. He slips his phone in his back pocket, stands up, and gets back to work. No matter how begrudgingly it may be.
A number of problems quickly make themselves clear to him. First, the toilet’s busted again. Two, the plumber won’t be here for another three days. Three, the cash register isn’t working. Four, the meat order got delayed. Carmy doesn’t even wanna start worrying about that last one yet with how awful it’s gonna be.
“When is Fak gonna get here?” Carmy asks Richie. They’re stationed at the front, taking the lack of customers while they can.
“He said he'd be here soon.” Richie's fucking with the aforementioned cash register. Carmy’s leaning against the counter, watching him aggressively jam receipt paper into the machine out of the corner of his eye. It's refusing to print receipts again. “He said to tell you to not get your hopes up. He's not a plumber.”
“I know, but he's got the best chance of fixing the thing.”
“I'm telling ya, if you just let me fuck around with it—”
“You don't know how to fix a toilet by watching youtube tutorials,” Carmy mutters.
“So you wanna have to keep going across the street to take a piss?”
“Cousin—this is my restaurant, not your goddamn apartment—”
“Alright, then be my fuckin’ guest—”
He's so in the middle of arguing that he doesn't even hear the bell on the door ring when it opens.
“Look, Fak's gonna be here in a couple minutes,” Carmy says, pinching his eyebrows together, “and then you can fight it out like alphas or whatever the fuck you were saying. Okay? God—”
When he straightens up, pushing himself off the counter and turning back towards the front, the last person he expected to see stands right in front of him.
They've got this bashful smile on their face, and their cheeks are flushed from the cold. Their hair sticks out from their beanie in a way that Carmy insists is not cute at all. Not one bit, not even the way it's messy when they yank it off.
He also insists to himself that the color on their cheeks doesn't remind him of his dream. Not at all. Not even a little bit. No way. No matter how much the visuals are rampaging in his brain.
“I was sorta worried I wasn't in the right place,” they admit.
“What're you doing here?” Carmy blurts out, even though he immediately recognizes it for how rude it is.
“Uh—” Nerves flash across their face. They hold up a little paper bag. “Sorry for just showing up, I just wanted to bring you some things.”
“No—don't apologize, I shouldn't have just…” He trails off, unable to find the words. He studies the bag in their hand. “Sorry. What did you bring?” He asks, softer this time.
“I know this might be a bit much,” they clarify nervously. They walk up the counter and set the bag down before him. “It's just, you were saying that you weren't feeling well, and I was in the area doing some shopping…”
Carmy reaches inside and pulls out several things. The items reveal themselves to be a small, green bottle of papaya pills, a little bag of ginger candies, and most importantly, a bottle of bubblegum pink pepto bismol.
As he stares at the items, a tiny flower blossoms in his chest.
“You really didn't have to get all this,” he says softly after a beat of silence. He stares at the items for a moment longer before looking up at them. There's an odd feeling in his chest.
“I wanted to. Seriously.” They still look oddly bashful, and it's captivating. “I mean, you helped me out a ton the other night, so…”
“You didn't owe me anything.”
“Then consider it a gift.” Their smile so effortlessly dazzles him. “Unless I can't give you gifts?”
“Yeah—I mean, no, you—” Carmy fails to stifle a quiet laugh at how ridiculous he sounds. They so easily fluster him. “Thank you,” he says finally, remembering himself. “This is…really nice.”
“I hope it helps,” they reply, and he tells himself the color on their cheeks is still from the cold. He tells himself that they're the one that looked into his eyes first, so it's okay for him to look back. “If you end up not liking it or needing it, though, it’s fine. Do whatever you want with it.”
“No, I appreciate it. Thank you,” he says again.
They're beautiful, he thinks all of a sudden, and the thought is so potent he can't hide from it for a single second. His anxiety tells him that they're gonna hear his thoughts if he keeps thinking so loudly. The bliss of tracing his eyes over their features is worth it. He's not sure if he feels any less nauseous, staring at their darling face like this, but he can't deny he likes the way this feels. His chest aches.
Then, the obnoxious noise of someone clearing their throat reminds him that they're not alone.
“Cousin.” Carmy's head whips around. How could he forget that Richie was right there? It's incredible how silent Richie could be when he wants to. “You gonna introduce us?”
“Shit, right, uh—” Carmy fumbles, making a hand motion with no words to match. “This is my cousin Richie. And Richie, this is, uh, my roommate.”
Oh, how he's dreaded saying those words for reasons he will see in just a matter of seconds.
“So you're the roommate!” Richie makes a big show of it, eyebrows raised in dramatic shock.
“Yeah, that's me.” They shrug. “Nice to meet you.”
“Likewise. Can't believe you're roomin’ with this guy,” Richie says, slapping a hand on Carmy's shoulder. It is promptly shoved off. “Carmen's not an easy guy to be around, I know.”
“Oh, not at all! He's a great roommate.” Carmy feels the tips of his ears growing warm.
“Really?” Richie gives him a skeptical look. “Who would've guessed.”
“Fuck off,” Carmy snaps, but the way he mumbles makes it lack any intensity.
They don’t stay for long. Something about needing to run some more errands. A part of Carmy wants to keep them there somehow, although there’s no logical reason for that. If anything, the faster they’re out, the better. It gives Richie less time to say something scathing that ruins their perception of Carmy.
Not that you need any help fucking yourself over, Carmy thinks to himself distantly.
“Well, I hope the stuff helps.” They readjust their beanie on their head, pulling it over their ears. “I’ll see you at home?”
“Yeah, I’ll see you,” he replies. “Thanks again.”
“No problem. Bye!”
They wave to him and Richie as they leave. As soon as the bell above the door rings and they’re out of sight, Carmy feels Richie’s eyes on him.
Actually, he feels a number of eyes on him.
He turns around to see his fellow chefs peeking over the deli counter, standing in a row like a line of matryoshka dolls. They freeze when they see him, but they don’t make any move to run away. Absolutely remorseless.
“Back to your stations, chefs,” Carmy scolds them, but his meak words are quickly overtaken by noise.
“If the two of you aren’t dating, then what the fuck is this?” Richie picks up the paper bag full of medicine. “That was some sappy shit the two of you were pulling!”
“The two of you? What the fuck did I do?” Carmy spits back.
“What the fuck did I do,” Richie imitates, rolling his eyes. “Fuckin’ goo-goo eyes over here wants to know what the fuck he was doing.” Carmy snatches the bag out of his hand.
“You were makin’ goo-goo eyes at them,” Marcus agrees. His elbows are propped up on the glass counter.
“And if they’re bringing you medicine, it’s serious,” Tina adds with a sly grin.
“There’s nothing to be serious about,” Carmy insists. He feels like a broken record. “We’re just friends.”
“Friends that kiss each other,” Sydney comments. “Right. Of course.”
“We don’t—I’ve never—” He’s a tea kettle, and the lid on him is starting to rattle. “Chefs—”
“Cousin, loosen up already. Why you always gotta make shit so serious?” Richie throws an arm around his shoulder, but Carmy shoves it off.
“Because this shit is none of your fuckin’ business. That goes for all of you!” Carmy whips around, gesturing accusingly with his hand at the line of chefs. “Get back to work! Now!”
A sad chorus of “Yes, chef” resounds, and everyone despondently trickles back to their stations. All except for Richie, who is not a chef.
“They’re obviously into you,” Richie tries, and Carmy’s glare could burn two perfect circles into his face.
“Drop it,” he hisses.
“Why’re you always like this?”
“Like what?”
“Like a little bitch? You’re a pussy, Carmen. That’s what you are. A pussy—”
“You have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.”
“No. Y’know what? I actually do have a clue, because I know you, Berzatto. You act like all that shit’s above you, but it’s not. And I’m tryin’ to do you a favor—”
“A favor? What fucking favor?”
“I’m trying to help you get a fucking clue! That’s what! Because you’re too dense to see what’s right in front of you!”
“Richie, I happen to be doing just fine without your help. I don’t need whatever the fuck you think helping me is!”
“Then explain this to me. Explain this little thing to me, Carmen fucking Berzatto. You and Claire—”
“Richie. Don’t.”
“That could’ve been a good thing. A great thing. The two of you—”
“I told you—”
“You were obviously into each other, and yet—”
“Shut the fuck up, you piece of shit!”
There’s a rage threatening to spew out of him, lava coursing under his skin and in his head. Richie’s looking at him like he knows he’s right, but he’s not. He’s not right about Carmy. He’s not right about anything. Not about any of this.
“Fak is on the scene! What is up, guys?”
With comedic (or arguably tragic) timing, Fak bursts through the front door with his heavy tool bag on one hand. Carmy and Richie’s heads both snap to him when he arrives. Fak freezes in his steps.
“Fak,” Carmy says.
“Finally,” Richie mutters. “Slow ass.”
“Uh…I’m getting the impression I shouldn’t be here right now. Should I be here right now?” Fak takes a step back towards the door.
“Yes, I really need you to look at the toilet,” Carmy says. Richie is uncharacteristically quiet, but Carmy can’t stand to look at him.
“If you say so.” Fak shrugs. “What’s the damage?”
“Mild to severe, depending on how you look at it,” is Carmy’s dry response.
The rest of the day, Carmy operates on autopilot. When he finally remembers to open the bottle of pepto, nausea surges in him at the sight of it. He manages to force it down. Miraculously, the toilet gets fixed, and even more miraculously, no one mentions the roommate again. Not even Richie. Although Carmy does sense how badly he wants to bring it up again.
His stomach continues its incessant rampage throughout the rest of the day. Despite improving since the pepto, it’s still generally upset. This nausea leads him back to his care package again and again throughout the rest of the day.
The ginger candies have a sharp flavor, maybe even a bit too much, but the sharpness grounds him. It also does admittedly dim the nausea. He wonders why he’s never bothered to keep him on his person.
“Chef?” Carmy’s cleaning his station when he hears Syd next to him. It could only be her, anyway—the sun has set, and everyone else has gone home for the day. He perks his head up to see her concerned expression.
“Chef,” he acknowledges back. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she says quickly. “Nothing wrong with me, I mean. I was actually wondering if, uh, you were okay?”
“Me?” The question surprises him. “Uh, yeah. I’m okay. Stomach’s better, so…”
“Oh, good.” She nods. “Stuff your roommate gave you working?”
“Yeah. It is.” He rolls the candy around on his tongue. “Hand me my knife?”
“Yeah.” She slides it over to him. “And, uh, I just wanted to say—I don’t mean to be nosy. I really don’t. Earlier, everyone was just gathered over the counter, and—”
“It’s fine.”
“I just wanted to see what the commotion was about—”
“Really, it’s fine,” he repeats, firmly. “They’re just like that, anyway.”
“I—Okay. Okay.” She exhales. “It’s just—y’know. I don’t wanna be an ass. I just…”
“You weren’t. You’re not.”
“I’m just…wondering about one thing.”
“...Yeah?”
“Why have you never invited them to family?”
“Family?” This question surprises him even more than the last. “Well, family’s for…family. Just the workers.”
“I mean, yeah. But, like, sometimes it’s not, right? Like, you let Marcus’ roommate come last week.”
“Marcus was on family anyway.”
“Sure. Right. You let me bring my friend recently, though.”
“You wanted to show her where you worked, didn’t you?”
“And Fak has family with us almost, like, all the time.”
“Fak is Fak,” Carmy reasons, and Sydney can’t argue with that.
“I don’t mean to be an ass,” she repeats. “I’m just curious.”
Right, he thinks. She asked a question. Why have I never brought them to family?
He’s never even considered it before. Bringing them to family. It’s not a habit to bring outsiders in, for lack of better wording, but it’s not necessarily off-limits, either. He doesn’t actually mind when others bring people in. He trusts them not to bring in anyone stupid. Mostly. As for himself…
He’s never had anyone in his life to bring before. Ever.
“I don’t know,” he answers honestly. “I guess I just never thought about it.”
“Huh.”
“Wouldn’t it be…weird?”
“Why would it be weird?”
“I don’t know,” he says again, “I just…I just thought…” He sighs. “I didn’t wanna deal with Richie, but…”
“Little too late for that,” Sydney notes in amusement.
“Little too late,” he echoes.
“Well. I was just curious. Sorry if that was weird.”
“Why would it be weird?” He jokes, imitating her from earlier.
“Shut up,” she shoots back with a grin. “You know what I mean.”
“It’s fine. It’s not weird.” He pauses for a moment, thinking about Richie. “Everyone else is an ass about it. Not you, though.”
“I try.” She grins. “I…I think everyone just gets excited because…it’s different. Seeing you with someone else like that.”
“Mm.” Carmy nods, and then pauses again. Lets it sink in. “Do I…” I shouldn’t ask this, he thinks, but he’s already started. It’s too late. “...Do I act differently?”
“Around them? Yeah. A little.”
“...” Carmy straightens up, taking a step back from his station. This is starting to feel weird. Really weird. “I do?”
“Kinda. You just seem…calmer, I think.” Sydney’s expression seems uncomfortable. “I dunno.”
“No, it’s fine. It was a dumb thing to ask.” Carmy’s making the executive decision to stop talking about this. “I gotta stay and sort through some stuff in the office, but you should head out for the night.”
“What, can’t afford to pay me overtime?” Sydney teases. Carmy rolls his eyes.
“Partially,” he jokes back, although it’s not much of a joke.
Nevertheless, it is almost 10 pm, so Sydney does indeed head out for the night. The whole place is eerily silent without anyone else there. There’s the sound of the rattling AC unit, noisy plumbing, and passing cars, but there’s a distinct lack of sizzling pans, knives against cutting boards, and shouting. It just feels strange, is all.
Carmy barely remembers to replace the bottle of pepto in the bathroom before heading out. He puts the new bottle there on the shelf, and as he stares at it standing there, he considers putting other gifts there too.
He returns to his office where the small bag of ginger candies and bottle of papaya pills sits. They’re seated on the corner of his desk. He goes to grab them, but for some reason, he doesn’t. They look like they belong there.
Then consider it a gift, he remembers them saying earlier. Unless I can’t give you gifts? If you end up not liking it or needing it, though, it’s fine. Do whatever you want with it, he hears them saying again.
A certain possessiveness grips him then.
It was a gift, he tells himself. For me. No one else.
He decides to leave the candies and pills on his desk. Those will be just for him.
When he finally gets home, it’s almost 12 am. He does his best to open the door carefully, but it’s as squeaky as ever.
He’s greeted with a surprising, although not unusual sight. His roommate is curled up into a sleep ball on the couch, snuggled into the pillows and blankets. The tv is playing some youtube video essay about lost media from the early 2000s. All the lights in the apartment are off, leaving the only source of illumination to be the tv screen.
Carmy carefully moves to turn the tv off. After he does, he turns to see if he’s woken them up. He hasn’t. They’re still in deep sleep. Very deep sleep, rather, with how they’re lightly snoring.
That familiar ache he gets in his chest when he sees them makes itself known. It’s the ache that pulls him in, forcing him to sit on the floor next to the couch. It’s something beyond his will that makes him gaze at their peacefully sleeping face.
His eyes trace their features like he was earlier when they stopped by The Beef, except this time, much more unabashedly. He takes note of the faint blemishes on their cheeks, the loose strands of hair in their face. The squish of their cheek against the pillows.
Cute, he thinks to himself, not for the first time, and he’s too tired to push the feeling away.
You’re different around them, he hears Sydney saying. Calmer.
I don’t know about that, he thinks. He absentmindedly brings a hand to brush their loose hairs out of their face. I don’t know how I feel when I’m around you.
A part of him wonders if he should wake them up. The part of him that wins is the part that doesn’t want to disturb the peaceful look on their face. He wouldn’t want to upset them.
He trudges into his bed instead, flopping wearily onto his mattress. It’s been a taxing day, right down to the moment he woke up this morning. His mind and body were both in shambles, and now, he’s exhausted.
As he falls asleep, he distantly hopes for a dreamless night.
. . . . .
“Where’s the olive oil? The pan’s heated. I need to start cooking the beef.”
Carmy stands before a pristine stainless steel pan. Next to him on the counter sits stuffed beef carefully wrapped in twine—beef braciole.
“Guys,” he repeats, annoyed. “Guys, have you seen the olive oil?”
He turns to see Michael and his roommate sitting at a kitchen island. They’re both opening cans of San Marzano tomatoes, although it’s definitely not a two person job.
“We haven’t seen it, Carmen,” Michael says. “Anyway, like I was saying—you should’ve seen his face. Really! When I told him I couldn’t work at the restaurant, it’s like I told him our dog died or something.”
“What I wouldn’t give to see that,” his roommate remarks, snickering and shaking their head. “Such a baby.”
Next to them, Carmy spots the bottle of olive oil. With a scowl, he snatches it.
“Hurry up on those tomatoes, guys, I’m gonna need it real soon,” he reminds them, irritation growing.
With the bottom of the pan coated in olive oil, he carefully places the beef into the pan. The sizzle is strangely whistle-like and high pitched. He inhales, searching for the smell of cooking meat and garlic, but he can’t seem to smell anything at all.
“Did he cry?” They ask.
“No, but he looked like he was going to,” Michael sneers, and the two of them are laughing again.
“You wouldn’t wanna work with a guy like Carmy, anyway.”
“Exactly. Exactly. He doesn’t really get it, y’know. How much of a colossal fuck-up he is. I can see it in him, though. I didn’t have the heart to tell him then.”
“That’s okay. I don’t blame you. He probably wouldn’t have been able to handle it.”
“He has no idea! And he thinks he’s fooling everyone so well, but the thing is—”
“He’s not.”
“He’s not! He’s really not.”
“Chefs, I need the tomato puree. Hand it over,” Carmy interrupts abruptly. When there’s no response, he turns around. They haven’t even opened one can of tomatoes yet. “Are you two fucking serious?”
They look at him, eyes wide, and then they’re laughing so hard they’re crying. They’re doubled over the counter, cackling and kicking their feet.
“You’re too easy to fuck with, Carmen,” Michael gets out between chuckles. “You’ve always been like that.”
Carmy ignores him and reaches for a can of tomatoes.
“Give me the fucking can opener,” Carmy snaps.
“Oh, you won’t need it,” his roommate answers.
As soon as Carmy grabs a can, it explodes in his face.
Puréed San Marzano tomatoes fill his hand and drip from his hair into his eyes. He steps back, staggered from the red explosion. Somehow it got all over him and not on anything else.
“Fucking shit!” He wipes his eyes, and that’s when he remembers the beef. He rushes back to the pan. It needs tomato purée now. He lets the splattered tomato drip from his hands into the pan, filling it with sauce. It sizzles and smells like smoke.
“I could always see you for who you really were, y’know. I always knew,” Michael goes on. “I could always see it.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Carmy snaps. The growing anxiety in his stomach is tightening his body and ejecting the words out. “What the actual fuck are you talking about?”
“He’s saying that you’re just not a good person. That’s all,” his roommate reasons. Carmy tries to keep his eyes focused on the beef, hastily spooning tomato over it. The pan’s still filling with puree. It’s overflowing. “You’re just the sort of person who will never change. Once broken, always broken, y’know what I mean?”
“If you’re not going to help, then fucking leave!” Carmy snaps, finally. He whirls around and wipes all the cans onto the floor. They explode in glorious unison, staining the floors red. “Just get out and stop getting in my fucking way!”
“But you don’t want me to leave, do you?”
“I don’t care what you do, I just need to finish this—“
“No, you care. You care if I like or hate you. You care if I stay or leave. You care about me, Carmy. You really care about me.”
“I don’t fucking care about you. I never have, and I never will.”
The beef’s burning on the pan. It’s all burning.
“Oh, Carmy…” Their arms are wrapped around his torso, squeezing him in a gentle hug. “It’s too late for you to say that sort of thing. Not anymore.”
All of a sudden, there’s a gush of wetness that soaks through his shirt. He pulls back, and their mouth is oozing tomato puree. In an instant, Carmy knows they’re dying.
“Fuck,” Carmy curses. “Fuck!”
“This is what happens,” they say, gargling through mouthfuls of puree.
“Why?” He asks.
“Because it’s you,” they answer, and Carmy wakes up.
He wakes up stumbling back from the stove by someone pulling on his shirt. The stove has pots and pans filled with flaming frozen food. He can feel the blazing heat against his skin. The orange flames are flicking off the steel pans and arch towards the ceiling, reaching. As Carmy stumbles back, he falls to the floor, barely managing to steady himself with the palms of his hands.
There’s the familiar sound of the fire extinguisher, spraying out into the base of the fire. Propped up on his elbows, Carmy watches the fire shrink with a thumping heart. His heartbeat marches in time with the tune of the fire alarm, piercing and high-pitched throughout the apartment.
Carmy finally takes notes of his roommate, looking about as distressed as someone who just woke up to a fire in their own home. Their hair sticks up in several different directions as if they just woke up, which they…probably did. With a displeased grunt, they march over to the window to slam it open. The cloudy smoke compacted near the ceiling begins to trickle out.
“Fucking hell,” they mutter under their breath, coughing from the smoke. They turn around to look at Carmy, expression twisted with stress. “Dude. What was that?”
“I,” Carmy starts, but the words just won’t come. He tries to move to get up, but his legs aren’t moving.
“Carmy. Hey.” They lean down next to him, staring him in the eyes. He still doesn’t respond. “Carmen!” They snap, and he jolts.
“Shit, I’m sorry,” he gets out. They help him up, wrapping his hand in theirs and yanking him upwards.
“We should step outside while the smoke clears.” They cough as they move to grab their coat.
“It’ll be fine, it’ll be gone in a couple minutes,” Carmy hears himself saying. He’s met with a blank stare.
“So this has happened to you before?” They open their mouth, as if they’re about to say something else, but they shake their head. “No, we’re not staying in here. We may smoke everyday, but this isn’t good for us. C’mon.”
He doesn’t quite feel his body moving as he grabs his wool jacket. He doesn’t feel it as he walks down the stairs, not even when he steps outside and the chilled night air whips at his face. He feels far, far away.
After leaving the awful song of the fire alarm, the quiet of the night is uncharacteristically loud. If he listens closely, though, he can pick out the sound of their fire alarm, distantly ringing. Or maybe that’s just his tinnitus.
The clicking sound of a lighter is what recenters him. He looks to his side to see them shakily holding a lighter up to their cigarette. After a couple more sparks, the flame lights.
They take a slow pull of it before wordlessly handing it to him. An olive branch of sorts. He takes it. They let the pool of smoke sit in their mouth, and then they exhale with a heavy, heavy sigh.
“What happened back there, man?” They ask quietly. “That was…” They sigh again. “That scared the shit out of me,” they whisper, and that’s what makes it all finally settle in.
Fuck, Carmy realizes with a pang. The realization starts in the pit of his stomach and drops lower and lower. Feeling returns to his body, and he feels cold inside and out. I really fucked up.
He can just imagine it—him, dead on his feet, sleepwalking into the kitchen. Grabbing the frozen food out of the freezer and turning the stove on high. Cooking nonsensically with plastic-wrapped chicken breasts and frozen peas. Too fucking asleep to stop the fire from starting, to stop the fire alarm that woke up his sleeping roommate on the couch.
“I used to sleepwalk, sometimes. When I was at culinary school,” he clarifies nervously. Shame douses him, coating him evenly like oil on a pan. “Or, sleepcook, I guess.”
He passes the cigarette back to them. They take it.
“Shit,” they mutter. “Never heard of anyone doin’ that before.”
“...Yeah. Me neither.”
The two of them are silent for a while before they speak again.
“Carmy—why didn’t you tell me? That you—” They laugh dryly, full of irritation. He doesn’t like seeing anger on their face, hearing it in their voice. He doesn’t know if he’s ever heard them sound like this before. “That you’re prone to cooking in your sleep? Don’t you think that’s something I should know? As your roommate?”
“I—I didn’t mean to hide it,” he protests, even though he did.
“We could’ve really gotten hurt, y’know.”
“You’re right, I know, it’s just—it hadn’t happened in so long, so I just thought that I had, that I was…”
I thought I was getting better, he wants to say, but it’s stuck in his throat. It won’t come out. As per usual, he can’t get the words out.
It always stays the same.
“...” Strangely enough, their face softens. “Must’ve been scary the first time.”
“What?” He wasn’t expecting their anger to dissipate so easily.
“The first time you caught yourself cooking your sleep. Were they all like this? With the fire and stuff?”
“Yeah. All the fire and stuff,” he confirms bitterly. A beat of silence. “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you. You shouldn’t have had to…put out a fire I made.”
“It’s okay. I mean, it’s not okay you almost burned our place down, but…” The end of the cigarette sizzles, bright and orange as they inhale. “It’s not like you did it on purpose, did you?”
“Of course not,” he rushes to say, “I would never—”
“I’m just kidding with you,” they laugh. They exchange the cigarette again. “I know you didn’t.”
Impossible, Carmy thinks all of a sudden. The nicotine usually calms him, except not today. Not right now. This is impossible.
“I thought you were mad at me,” Carmy blurts out. He can’t compute seeing a smile on their face right now.
“I am,” they say calmly.
“Then why? Why are you—” There’s static in his head, fuzz filling his mouth. “Why aren’t you—you should be—fucking, I don’t know—why aren’t you yelling?”
“Do you want me to be shouting at you?”
“No! I don’t want that, I just—I just don’t understand.” There’s blood rushing in his ears. “I fucked up, so just—just get it over with already!”
“I—get what over with?”
“Just tell me that I’m a worthless piece of shit and that you were wrong for ever seeing anything good in me,” he spits out. His eyes feel hot. He doesn’t know where all these words are coming from. “I know you want to say it, so just get it over with. Please.”
A moment of silence, broken by the drive by of a car.
“...Is that really how you think I see you?”
“How could you not?” He laughs bitterly, shakes his head. Images of Michael flash in his head. “I’ve just somehow managed to convince you that I’m worth your time. I don’t know how, but…” Frustration surges inside of him. “But now you know,” he says, finally.
So this is how it ends, he thinks to himself. I knew it couldn’t last. Nothing ever lasts.
We’ll call it The Bear, he hears himself saying. Michael and him at Christmas. The drawing he made of the restaurant.
Michael’s dead, he hears Sugar sobbing over the phone. Her voice is crackly and broken through the speakers. Please come home. Please.
You didn’t even show up for your brother fuckin’ funeral, he hears Richie screaming. Your own fucking brother, Carmen! What the ever living fuck is wrong with you?
This is great, Carmy, Michael says softly to him, the gifted drawing of their restaurant in his hands. The house is on fire. There's so much fire. Thank you.
They don’t say anything for a while, opting to instead smoke their cigarette and stare distantly across the street. When they finally turn to look at him, their gaze pierces him. It’s that look that strips him bare, lays his soul out open for them to pick apart.
“You’re allowed to mess up on onions,” they say.
“...What?” Is all he can think to reply.
“When I was drunk, you told me about how you dropped some onions.”
“No, I remember, I just—why are you saying that now?”
“Because this fire is the same.” They tap the ash off their cigarette, the gray dust shattering in the wind. “People make mistakes, Carmy. It’s okay.”
“This is a lot worse than spilling some onions,” he reasons weakly. They just shrug.
“Objectively speaking, sure. I can’t deny that. But that’s not really what I’m trying to say…” They hesitate. “Can I speak plainly?”
“Please,” Carmy begs.
Two cars whiz by before they speak again.
“I can’t change how you see yourself,” they start. “I’m the same way. I think almost everyone is. I know I can’t make you less hard on yourself. If anything, that’s part of what made you into such an incredible chef.” They exhale shakily. “But this…with me…I don’t want it to push me away.”
“...I don’t want you to get hurt,” he confesses, messily. This isn’t like him, but he can’t seem to stop talking. I care about you too much, he thinks painfully.
“It’s impossible to go through life without hurting others. Look—I consider you a friend, Carmy. A good friend. And I thought you felt the same, but…”
“I do,” he interrupts urgently. “You’re one of the closest friends I have,” he confesses, and their smile is beautiful.
…I didn’t mean to say all that, he thinks, startled by himself. That was supposed to be, “I think of you as a friend, too.”
“Then fuck up some onions. You don’t have to be a perfect person. No one can be, and I don’t want you to be. Besides—I’m not stupid. You’re not tricking me about anything. I’m pretty good at making sound judgments of people.”
“I didn’t mean to insinuate that you were stupid,” he says quietly.
“I know you didn’t.” They keep being gentle, so gentle.
“I…I’m not used to this,” he admits, finally. He needs to be honest with them, regardless if saying the truth is like coughing up glass. “You're a good person. Really good. More than I'm used to, to be honest. I think…I think a part of me doesn't wanna believe it.”
“Oh.” Their pink cheeks could very well be from the cold, or from something else. “I—well. Thank you. That's nice to hear. But, ah, do you think I have some dark alter ego or something?”
“No, not like that. It’s just—there’s always another shoe, isn’t there?”
“Another shoe…” They hum. “Yeah. Unless there isn’t.”
“That’d be a first,” he says, and they laugh.
“True enough.” The distant sound of the train. “I'm not a perfect person, Carmy.”
“I know. I don't expect that.”
“Then stop expecting it from yourself.”
“...” He blinks, staggered by their bluntness. A million arguments begin and die on the tip of his tongue, but all of them feel as cheap as the last. He knows they're right, and there's not much room for argument there. “I'll try,” he says finally with a nod. It's all he can say.
“I say it like it's an easy thing to do. I know it's not.” Their smile is knowing, rueful. “I certainly haven't gotten over it myself.”
“You also…?” The implication lays silent in the air. They nod. “I’m sorry for starting a fire,” he apologizes again, because he feels like he has to. “And for…freaking out.”
“You are forgiven. But you don’t need to apologize for, like, having emotions. That’s fucked up.” They let out an abrupt bark of a laugh, and it makes him laugh, too. “Is it, like, a stress thing? The sleepcooking?”
You’re worthless, he suddenly hears a familiar voice saying. The head chef. You’d be better off dead. You don't deserve any of this.
“Usually,” he says simply. “I can’t really…predict when it’s gonna happen, though.”
“Unfortunate. I guess it’d be too easy if you could see it coming.” They put out their cigarette on the back of their lighter, flicking off the ash. “How are you doing now?”
“I’m fine,” he responds instantly, all on instinct. “I’m…better,” he amends, and they look happy with that. “I should be asking you that. Are you alright?”
“Not gonna lie, it was pretty scary, but I’m okay. I can look back at it as a bonding experience.”
“A bonding experience,” Carmy mutters, half out of amusement and half out of disbelief. “I guess you’re not totally wrong.”
“Nobody got hurt, right? And next time, I'll be ready.”
“There shouldn't be a next time.”
“No, I suppose not. But there might be, and that's okay.”
“But—“ He stops. “I'm sorry.”
“I know.” They pat his back.
“Do you wanna come to family tomorrow?” He blurts out.
“Huh?” They say, which is a pretty reasonable response. “I mean, probably. What is it?”
“Right, sorry. It's, uh, a thing we do everyday at work. One of the chefs cooks dinner for everyone, and we eat together. It's a way to, ah…have everyone get along, I guess.”
“Oh, cool!”
“And I'll be the one cooking tomorrow,” he adds hastily. God, why is this so embarrassing? “So. Yeah. If you wanna come, then…”
“You mean I get to have your cooking? Of course I wanna come,” they reply, their expression brightening. Carmy's stomach twists inward, giddy. “Oh my god, yeah. As long as it's not weird that I'm there?”
“Not weird,” he promises. “We bring people all the time. Not too many, of course.”
Except for me, he thinks. I barely even eat family enough as it is, let alone ever bringing everyone. You're the only one.
“Okay. Okay!” They make a pleased noise, stepping excitedly in place. “Then I accept. What time should I come?”
“We eat before opening, so come in around 2. The door should be open.”
“Sounds good.” They stop then, fixing him with a puzzled, amused look. “You're not just doing this because of what just happened, are you? Although I guess it'd be cool if you were—”
“I'm not, I'm not. I just…wanted to.” He's not being very convincing. To be fair, it's only half of a lie. “But I will. Make this up to you, I mean.”
“I'm just teasing. You don’t have to, but I won’t stop you. And…thanks for inviting me, I'm looking forward to it.” They yawn suddenly, eyes scrunching shut. “Think we're good to head back in now?”
“Probably, yeah.” He checks his phone. It's 1 AM. “Sorry for keeping you up.”
“It's fine, really. Besides, I did this to you the other night. And, uh—Carmy?”
“...Yeah?”
“I'm really glad you think of me as a friend,” they say, and it sounds like a confession. “I feel super lucky to have a roommate that I can call my friend, too. I…just wanted to say that.
There are countless unspoken sentiments that Carmy wishes he had the courage, the faith to say. I didn't know how important you were going to become to me, for instance. I don't know if I can go without your company anymore. I’m not sure if I've ever liked someone so much, and that terrifies me. I never wanted to admit how much I like you.
It's too much, far too much to say aloud, but at least, finally, he can admit it to himself.
It does not always have to stay the same.
“I feel really lucky, too,” Carmy says instead, and the words come easy, easier than they ever have before.
~
@zorrasucia
#carmen berzatto#carmy berzatto#the bear#carmen berzatto x reader#carmy berzatto x reader#the bear fx#others#carmy x reader#carmen x reader#carmy berzatto x you#carmen berzatto x you#the bear fanfiction#the bear hulu#my writing#my fics#i had this ready for the past week and i just kept forgetting to post it. that happens when u have a job lmfao#anywayyyy like i said its the end of act 1!!! carmy is gonna be happier and more open with them from here on out... at least he's gonna try#slow progress is still progress! THE SLOW BURN IS SLOW BURNING ALL OVER THE PLACE#rly excited to play arnd with these guys more... any thoughts are appreciated + thanks SO MUCH for the kind words and reads so far!!#Alexithymia fic
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hey. hope this message doesn't bother you. I love you. I love your work. you are one of my favorite fic authors, I am absolutely obsessed with everything you write. reread everything ten times over, drarry or not, fluffy or angsty - even when it absolutely shatters my heart (e.g. for lack of wanting, SUCH a great fic btw i'm so obsessed with it). the four doors? life changing. two to lie and one to listen? engraved into my brain for eternity. what's mine is yours? what a ride holy shit, im VERY normal about it. wrapped? my comfort read. and so it goes.
if I could aggressively smother you with kudos and love I WOULD!!!
awhile ago you said that there's no such thing as "big deals" in fandom and I 100% agree but at the same time you are a big deal TO ME!!! not in the sense of any kind of hierarchy but purely based on the fact that I think you are such a cool person and your writing is amazing and poignant and your presence in fandom makes it so much better. it's been a pleasure following you here on tumblr and just reading your tags and posts.
idk I just think you rule. that's it. thank you for hanging with us. MWAH 💛
ahhhh anon sorry for leaving this message sitting in my inbox for a couple of days but !! i have zero idea how to react to this!! you're so kind!! thank you!! please discard any and all inclinations u have that i am a cool person bc i can assure you i am NOT!!
#tumblr tag essay time? tumblr tag essay time#why can't i do this in the main body of a post u ask? pure obnoxiousness ig idk#scarier when it's not greyed out and in a little whisper innit#1) anon i love and appreciate you + your kind words so so much but i rly cannot stress enough that literally nobody here is a big deal 😭#like i know u don't mean it in That Way but even so!!!#this is a hill i could write another 1k words about before i die on it again but i will spare u 😅#2) ur also v v kind to say the thing abt my presence in fandom#but unfortunately i'm coming to terms with the fact that my presence in fandom is v much on the sidelines#a non-presence#i'm embracing my role as the crotchety old hag who does not attend the functions#i have a hut in the woods and u can find me there (here in tumblr tags) muttering to myself#occasionally i'll wander into the town square (ao3) and present an unnerving thing i made from mud and twigs (a fic) and then i'll fuck off#that's about all i can handle in terms of group settings i think 😅#but the door to my hut (my DMs) is always open if u want to stop by!#3) i can't even begin to acknowledge all the nice things u said about my fics kjhsdf you are truly too generous 😭#let me smother YOU with love!!! cmere!!!#4) this is the second nice anon message i've had in the last couple weeks which is !!!!#anon(s) i'm kissing you wherever u consent to be kissed!!!#but ofc now i'm paranoid ppl will think i'm sending these to myself skdljf#can't stress enough how open my DMs are on here/twt/discord if ever u wanna chat in a way that i don't have to post publicly to reply to 😅#5) i'm soooo sorry about these tags#could have just said “thanks!” couldn't i#please put me right in the bin#anyway sorry again thank you again ilu very much ❤️
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//HERE TO SAY!
//Whatever canonically happens to Law, it does not interfere with any individual plots I have brewing with other people. As far as those are concerned, he is right where he was when we left off. Continue to enjoy his race home "fellers!"
#ooc#screamo-mun#//thank u guys so much for letting me try mason out#//he is SO MUCH FUN#//and im glad everybody seemed to think so too#//i know he took up a lot of time on a blog that doesnt belong to him#//but i rly rly appreciate everyone letting me have my fun#//u guys are so great !!!!!
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@confetticakegirl I spotted your tags on the most recent page of Altar and your kind words made me smile as much as they made me laugh. So I felt compelled to draw a silly picture as a token of my appreciation lmao I am so glad even one person enjoys Ruza as much as I do ✨️
#sin scribbles#bloodborne oc ; ruza#(SORRY I HOPE U DONT MIND ME TAGGING U BUT UR COMMENT RLY TICKLED ME.)#(and flattered me honestly i am so grateful u enjoy my stuff and appreciate the good hunter lady ruza as much as i do akdjsjdjsk)#(i see you in my notifs a lot!!! thank you so much for your time and ur kind words i always am so appreciative)#(the vision of this pastel shoujo type piece came to me and i laughed about it for like 10 mimutes SO NATURALLY-)#(and i love pastels so it was obvious what had to be done)
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thank u to everyone who sent anons especially my friends I love u all so much and talking with you all n seeing u makes me so happy, I had been having a rough time the past two weeks n honestly I rly needed those messages
#twiddling my thumbs#its always been a bit hard for me to feel like I fit in or that I'm not being annoying gahh so.. they really mean a lot. thank you....#i love my friends#all of u#even if we don't rly know each other or haven't talked much I still appreciate u..
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Ive re read your pwasoi like 100 times
can you finish it for me
#IM KIDDING FJKGHKJDFHG#100 TIMES...are ur eyeballs ok JKFHGJKFHG#THANK U THO I RLY APPRECIATE THAT U LIKE IT ENOUGH TO READ SO MUCH <3333
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sometimes i think maybe it's a good thing i'm so traumatized and fucked up mentally and emotionally bc then i never expect ppl to be kind or even just plain old nice to me, so when they ARE kind or nice i feel overwhelming gratitude and almost a sense of awe HFDSJKL like... i dont know if i would have had this appreciation for each little piece of kindness if i wasn't the way that i am. but also i know thats kind of an absolutely wild way of thinking about this LMAO
#but then on the other side of things i still get really hurt when ppl are cruel or just the usual flavour of mean#like i had a mother with a stroller get huffy and aggressive w me yesterday as i was getting off the bus and that rly stuck w me#idk what else i could've done in that situation except control my tone a little better maybe but i was really anxious#because her stroller was in the way of the aisle and i was trying to figure out the fastest way to navigate around it to exit#bc the bus drivers are always in a hurry so i didnt want to keep anybody waiting while i got around her stroller#so i just said ''sorry i just need to get by'' and i think my tone was not Perfectly Pleasant bc i was really anxious and unsure#but i meant it as a ''sorry if i touch ur stroller as i squeeze past'' dsjfkl i didnt mean it like ''u need to move ur shit for me''#alas. i think she took it as the latter. also im pretty sure she was on edge already bc she knew her stroller would be in the way#anyways i said that and she did the thing where ppl throw up their hands in a really quick defensive/aggressive half-shrug gesture#where they're gesturing like ''what the fuck !!! what are you doing !!!'' idk how common that gesture is dsjkl i see it a lot around town#and i just quickly squeezed past her stroller and tried not to touch it as little as i could and then said thank you and scuttled away#BUT IT REALLY BOTHERED ME THAT SHE GOT SO HUFFY ABOUT IT. i've been trying to figure out what i could've done differently#unfortunately i think its just one of those things where we were BOTH anxious or on edge so she was just assuming i was being aggressive#bc she probably expected ppl to be rude about her stroller so... when u expect that it'll colour ur perceptions of ppls behaviours#so i am not even upset w her at all fsdjkl i simply wish it had gone better. alas!! what a silly little encounter to be ruminating over#ANYHOWDY... I am glad that i can have such appreciation for kindness when it happens fdsjkdl#like i had a little snippet of small talk about bananas with a stranger in the grocery store last year and i still think about it happily#bc idk. it means so much to me. making little connections w ppl! its very very important to me bc i dont get it very often!#and theres some kind things ppl have said to me online that have stuck with me or will stick with me for honest-to-god years fdsjkl#and perhaps i am a sap but ... I'm just glad i can hold these small bits of goodness so close to my heart bc it makes life a little nicer#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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IVE BEEN WAITING TIL YOU MAYBE WERE GONNA WRITE TOKYO REVENGERS!!!! they have so many characters i thought you’d do so much justice :3333. the kazutora piece is by far my favorite <333333. i cant wait to see what you do with the haitanis!!!!
OH HEHE HI ANON!! <33 aw thank you so much!!!! i’m really happy to hear that you enjoyed my lil kazutora piece!! (´∀`)♡ i can’t wait to write more for tokrev!!! i have like three different haitani oneshots in the works (but they’re all set within the same AU) n a bunch of other lil pieces hehehe c: my favourite characters are:
rindou (!!!!!), ran, mikey (!!!), shinichiro, mitsuya, kokonoi, kakucho, takeomi, sanzu, kazutora (!!!), wakasa, hanma, and shion
so those are the characters u can expect to potentially see writing for / those are the characters i’d like to talk about and write about the most!!! <3
#I LOVE THE HAITANIS SOOOOOOOOO MUCH ITS UNBELIEVABLE#they’re so wicked interesting!!!!!#rly rly rly in love with their character dynamic <333#have also fallen head over heels for mikey; bonten mikey specifically#he is so messed up and sick i absolutely love him#kazutora is quickly becoming a comfort character because his whole story is so bittersweet#(we reject the ‘canon’ ending here on inkykeiji dot tumblr dot com)#but yeah!!!!#thank you for letting me know ur thoughts anon i rly appreciate it!! <33#i’m soooo glad u liked it!!!!! (*/ω\*)#have a fab saturday n enjoy ur weekend!!!#inky.bb#clari gets mail#inky.tr
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u guys r too nice ill cry :((
#i feel a bit guilty for begging for affection from strangers on the internet tbh but rly it warms my heart a lot :((#its been a rly rough 2024 so far and like. its just been rly hard to feel anything but doomed. i cant rly talk to anyone abt it rn either.#bcs of my job and my home life and my friend situation....#so it feels like im having to work thrice as hard to not only keep myself safe but convince myself its worth it. and some days its so hard.#n its even hard to feel like just enjoying myself or being silly on the internet is something i deserve. so idk its just rly appreciated#whenever anyone takes the time to send me something or to wish me well. i cant describe how much it means rn.#yeah i know its stupid to get so worked up abt something so simple. but its a lot rn#thank u even if ur anon even if i dont answer. i love u thank u#dl
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btw! i think i am back maybe! hesitantly using tumblr again djdksl a very short break (much needed though!) but I had a counseling appt that sorted out the biggest issue i was experiencing, so now I'm hesitantly stepping back into the social media sphere!
#thank u for the well wishes btw i never responded to those but they were/are rly appreciated :') 💗!!!!#some of the issue too was that another part in the system was taking front more often so i like. just wasn't around as much djfkdl#and he has noooo interest in this sort of thing fjdkdl and i wasnt sure if he was gonna be around for a Long time or if he'd step down again#so i figured I'd just make a hiatus post fjdkdl just in case#i think im back at the wheel for the most part now though!! esp bc things got sorted out brain-wise a bit :o]#okay anyway! gnight and I hope everyone is doing well !!! (。-ω-)zzz
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birthday accomplished…
#thank u all so much for ur sweet bday wishes 🥺😭💛#twas not the easiest or happiest of birthdays but y’all made me smile a bunch and i rly appreciate it!!#and now i am . so achy and exhausted. so i’m gonna get wizard high and veg out til bedtime 🫡#izzy.txt
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❥ send “🔆” if you enjoy seeing me on your dash !!
sorry for putting these all in one post dhjaksmd i started feeling bad clogging dash since it slowed n i'm losing energy but i love u all sm;;
@crownedveil : 🔆🔆 :pleading:!
@atdutiesend : 🔆
@unmeiha : 🔆🔆🔆🔆🔆🔆
@tenuuchlegch : 🔆🔆
listen i adore each one of u sm okay u all make my dash so bright n lovely !! i'm holding my silly muse out to u n holding ur muses gently n adoring them sm
#crownedveil#atdutiesend#unmeiha#tenuuchlegch#[ i hope u all kno how amazing u are !!! thank u SO much for sending these i am crying bdhaskm ]#[ i appreciate it sm i rly rly do ty ]#━━ ❥ out of character »#[ i dont think ill ever run out of kermit memes bhdasnkmd why am i this way ]
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Congratulations on getting close to 200!
I haven't been following for super long, but I really like seeing your art and hunter and just generally your brainrot. It's really cool. Hope you're having a good one!
Aaaa thank you so much!! I'm just glad you decided to follow and hang around at all and that you're enjoying my work and watching my constant spiral deeper into my incurable brainrot 😂 You're not that late to the party though, I haven't been in the fandom too long-I only completed my first playthrough of BB in Feb of this year, but I have been churning out stuff for it ever since. Seriously, the world of Bloodborne has me in a chokehold the likes of which I've never known but I'm glad about it!! It's a constant well of inspiration and this is probably the most engaging, sweet and welcoming fandom I've ever been a part of ❤️
I am having a really awesome time here, and I am so appreciative for all of you lovely people who make it so. I'm grateful to be growing as an artist alongside so many cool and inspiring people and that individuals like yourself are so kind and supportive of the stuff I do here. Pls stay tuned for ever deeper levels of bloodrot👍
#sinbox#(WONDROUS INBOX MESSAGES...)#(thank u sm for taking the time to visit i rly appreciate!!!)#(i am having a gr8 one i hope u are too friend)#(i remember lmao...buying bloodborne in like july of 2022 and being too intimidated to play it)#(bc i couldnt even get past the basic enemies in central yharnam and i didnt come back until feb this year)#(AND LOOK AT ME NOW LOOOL ON NG+5 AND A NEW SAVE FILE FOR RUZA SPECIFICALLY)#(and part of the best fandom i have personally ever found HOW THE TURN TABLES HUH)#(i love bb so much........i always have so much to say. its just gotten even worse since ruza was born LOL)#(I am permarotted so lmao THERE WILL BE LOTS MORE TO COME!!!)#(thanks again!!! i love chatting with y'all!!)
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great and now she's STILL scheduling shit on thursdays. the one day of the week she knows I'm busy. she really doesn't fucking want me around huh guess I'll just go kms
#at this rate im never going to spend time with them again lmfao.#whatever theyre her friends so fair enough. ive never rly been a part of their group just on the outside 👍#and she doesnt let me forget it! thanks really appreciate it. I give up man I dont know what u want from me anymore#.vent#i just dont understand what did i do am i being punished for something please#i cant do this i feel so trapped its been so bad for weeks and everyone keeps pushing me smaller and smaller and it hurts so much#i need someone i can cry to or just talk to and im just being left behind over and over and its bringing up so many intrusive memories#and im tired of having bad dreams.every nigtj theres no escape from it snd feelinf trapped is a trigger for me it makes me want to harm#so im having to deal with reining in that urge while also not having any other way to direct how i feel.outwards i feel like.im imploding#if i think any more im going to start screaming or throw up. i hate being stuck.in this body with this stupid fucking mind#and no one gives a single fuck its just a 'mental health moment' so its cool i guess!!!!!! normal and fine things to experience!!!!!#i cant i cant i cant i feel like a fucking three year old.having a temper tantrum this is so stupid why am i so broken i cant do this
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hii no need to answer this i just wanted to say your docsona is really cool!
!!!! this means a lot to hear, thank you sm for taking time to read their lore!!! 🥹🙏
#7429#ik it was a lot so i rly cant express how much i appreciate that someone read it thru#and actually liked/found them cool.. thank u!! (((o(*゚∀゚*)o)))#flowerpot chatter
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Just wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts, Clari 💞 Psych evals are tough
oh anon you’re such a beautiful soul <333 thank you so very much for this!!! it means a lot <3 i am sending u tons of love!! ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭*
#yeah it was roughhhhh ugh it was just under 2 and a half hours#and u kno i had to go through my whoooole childhood and all of that and it’s just so tiring#but it was really productive and i’m really glad i went!!!#thank you so so much for this anon bb <333#i rly appreciate it!!!#please have a fantastic evening and stay safe n hydrated!!#inky.bb#clari gets mail#tw mental illness#just in case!!!
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