#i think i had a psychotic episode while drawing this

[kawoid]

REVIRING YOUR SOUL|HEART|MIND

[yuseirra]

Ch 155 review:

woke up in the middle of the night and wrote ANOTHER huge bulk of a post, I'm having so much fun with this but maybe I should return to drawing persona fanarts again because I.. I'm pretty hopeless regarding mysteries but!! Here are my sincere thoughts about the latest chapter in more detail! I should really keep quiet till things clear up more. I believe so, but it's been really fun to hop into an ongoing series

This was originally written in a different language, then later translated through chatgpt. Chatgpt is so cool; ah I'm really sorry about what it does to the environment though; I won't use it a lot;

I hope to write quality content for those who love this work. That's how I feel. Haha. Well, I find it difficult to write forcefully, so at least I can say that I'm writing based on my affection. I'm not writing to get recognition(although it'd be nice).

Ah~~~.. Hahaha. For this episode's development, I realized how foolish I am because I forgot about Nino! But honestly, how was I supposed to know? That character, broadly speaking, might have contributed to Yura's death, but there was no indication that they did anything related to Goro's death. I don't watch many mystery shows, so when I made a plot guess last time, I dug a hole for myself in another post:

What I can't predict is what's going to happen next. There are too many variables and too much undisclosed information. As new information that hasn't been revealed yet comes to light, it makes it really hard to know.

Just like that.

The first emotion I felt after seeing the chapter was "?". What is this?? What are they trying to do?? And then, I felt really sorry for Ai. There's no sane person around. The person who definitely contributed to her death is her ardent fan (though I think even the term "fan" is too generous for that person). The suspected instigator is her ex-boyfriend or a colleague from the same group... there's really no one she can trust. Even though Ai hid many things and didn't show her true feelings and lied, it seems understandable, doesn't it?

I don't have any major speculations about Nino, but what I've understood is that the character "worships" Ai with some very twisted feelings. If there's a character who wants only the good sides of Ai to be shown to the world, it would be this one rather than Kamiki.

When I delve into analyzing the characters' emotions related to the story, I felt the part that needs explanation is Goro's death. Since Goro's death happened before Ai's death, the interpretation can vary greatly depending on whether it was intentional or just an accident. While many might focus on Yura's death, which is indeed very important, at least you could attach some psychotic criminal's delusional reason to it later. For the case of Goro's, however, it'd mean that there might have been someone other than Ryosuke already working against Ai behind the scenes before her death happened. Whether there were more people dissatisfied with Ai and her children other than Ryosuke is significant in determining how much it contributed to Ai's death.

I've been watching all along, but it didn't seem like Kamiki was involved in it, so I was confused. So, I think we need to sort out this part. This character doesn't seem to have much aversion to the fact that Ai had children, and there doesn't seem to be any reason for him to. From the moment he referred to Ruby as "indeed our child" in his first appearance, I got the feeling that this character recognizes the twins as something resulting from him and Ai, something between them, and doesn't view it so negatively. In that short sentence, there was a faint sense of affection. He doesn't seem to dislike being connected with Ai in one sentence, and the fact that there are children between them doesn't seem to be a bad thing from his perspective. You might think I'm overthinking based on one short sentence, but it's not just that; overall, his attitude when he actually appeared in front of the twins doesn't give any sense of dislike. The clincher was when he casually mentioned in chapter 153 that he has a father's heart. I thought, oh, this must be right.

Therefore, if Goro's death wasn't just an accident, I don't feel that this character would have any reason to harm Goro, who tried to protect Ai and their children and ensure their safe birth. (It could be explained as him being petty and harming Goro because he didn't like anyone else being close to Ai, but I think that's highly unlikely.) However, it still feels a bit off to think that Ryosuke acted alone to hide the body and everything else related to Goro's death.

If Nino were involved, it might make things clearer in this regard. But I don't know how insane Nino is (though She seems to be in very bad shape). I think there was some truth to the psychology of Nino that Kana portrayed...

B-Komachi, which was her and Ai's group, was going to perform at the dome, right? Which means Ai's career is shining even brighter even further. So what would this character gain by harming Ai at that point?

Ai did have a desire to reveal things about herself, though. Maybe this character wanted to stop her because he knew she wanted to expose things about herself and stop being the perfect idol worthy of worship?

From Kamiki's perspective, I think Ai revealing things about herself, especially if it was before the dome concert, might not have been such a bad thing. When the children were about four years old, he still wanted to get back together with her. If Ai had said, "I want to try liking someone, and I have children," then his career might have been ruined by the scandal but he might have been happy thinking, "Oh, Ai had feelings for me to that extent." She's THAT important to him, I believe.

But for Nino, it wouldn't have been the same, would it?

What keeps coming to my mind now is this lyric from Mephisto:

叶かなわないならばあなたになりたい

"If I can't make my wish come true, I want to become you."

Could it be that Nino wants to be like Ai, or even become Ai herself?

She's the one who's expressed her desire to be her (as portrayed by kana in ch 136)

Even if you view Mephisto's lyrics from Aqua's perspective, it doesn't seem like Aqua would say, "I want to become Ai." Of course, it's a powerful lyric expressing longing, so it resonates strongly emotionally. But their genders are different, their fields are somewhat different, and while Aqua seems to have a longing for the entertainment industry, he also tends to deny it.

Or it could be this: Seeing Nino's erased all the other members except herself and Ai in the poster, (she didn't erase her own existence) perhaps she might believe the one to be beside Ai is her and her alone? That might be how she thinks. :/

Adding one more suspect broadens the possibilities, but it seems like Akane and Aqua will explain everything on their own, so waiting might be safer. My guesses probably aren't going to be correct anyway.

What I can talk about more is Kamiki's reaction. Although it was a very quiet reaction, in some ways it was stronger than I expected because he accepted Ai's words completely. From his perspective, he was receiving a message he couldn't have imagined for fifteen years. There was no negative reaction like "No way, she's lying." He simply accepted, as in "I didn't know this," and remained silent.

In another post, I wrote my predictions for him like this:

If the songs are clues and there will be some kind of conflict in the future,

Just as Aqua has been doing things for Ai for years, this character might have been doing things too, and it's probably almost complete. His mindset is that as long as he accomplishes this, it doesn't matter what happens to him. He was planning to meet Aqua and see his daughter once before turning himself in.

But when he realizes that Ai, whom he truly loved, actually loved him back, he might feel like he's losing his mind.

There was a line he couldn't cross, thinking, "Okay, let's not do this," but now, having seen the video, he might cross it. Because he misses Ai so much and she's so precious to him, now he really wants to save the person he loves who also loved him (it seems like he's doing something to save her/see Ai again. Otherwise, the songs wouldn't be like this).

If he thought Ai didn't love him, his feelings (assuming he didn't intentionally kill her) would be guilt, obsession, and love-hate, so he wouldn't have any energy left. Because he has no attachment to himself, he'd have a resigned attitude like, "Alright, let's do this and die," and that's why he easily decided to turn himself in and show up in front of his children.

But if Ai loved him and actually wanted to be with him all along? Then if he was doing something for Ai, he wouldn't be able to give it up. So while he still has no attachment to himself, he might suddenly gain the energy for more extreme actions.

(I'm a bit disappointed that I couldn't accurately predict all the emotional reactions.)

Instead of "losing his mind," it seemed closer to sinking and submerging... It looks like he was someone who could have understood Ai well if only he had the right opportunity.

But I did get it right that he wants to do something for Ai.

Actually, the speculation I wrote above was a bit extreme, thinking that, since it's a manga, the development might be more intense. So, it was a scenario that I didn't really think would happen! Considering the character's personality, I thought he would suffer greatly. That's as far as I thought (with the current information revealed, I'm still withholding much judgment about this character).

But he seems so precarious. I'm worried he might be found dead somewhere... I'm still questioning whether he's someone worth worrying about,

But I don't think it's zero possibility that he'll end up being a very pitiable character.

He's saying he'll do something for Ai, but what could that be? He himself is determined, but Ai is already dead.

Even if Ai has become a star and is watching over him, would she want him to struggle? If he really killed her, she wouldn't want him to do anything invoking her name as a murderer. But if it's truly a misunderstanding, then she wouldn't want him to suffer anymore.

The video Ai left contained a message asking Aqua and the others to help this person, so I think the latter is more likely. Although the video was recorded a long time ago, this is a manga. The timing of when a message is revealed is important to the development. Since this story has come out in the final chapter, I think there might be a situation where the main characters end up helping him...

No but, if Aqua just let this person go, and if Kamiki turns out to be a murderer, that could be extremely irresponsible, right? Even if he let him go, shouldn't he have recorded the conversation and reported it? He should have recorded it and reported it, but maybe he couldn't report it because it happened when Kamiki was a minor? But wouldn't he have been around nineteen when the kids were about four? Is it something too ambiguous to report? Still, the next story that gets mentioned involves at least three deaths. How can he calmly, perhaps leisurely, discuss with Akane that Nino(and him) was involved in the deaths of three people? You never know what a criminal might do if they're cornered mentally.

He said he was going to do something for Ai. If that something is killing people, then it's dangerous for Aqua to just let him go. But since Aqua did let him go, it seems like he doesn't think that's the case.

So, the theory that he committed serial killings to ensure no one surpassed Ai is probably incorrect.

Additionally, there's no mention anywhere of serial killings actually happening, right? It could just be those three deaths. That doesn't mean he's not a murderer. If there had been serial killings of celebrities, it would have been mentioned in the story, right? There should have been some hints, like someone saying, "Hey, this actor who was doing well suddenly disappeared," but I don't recall anything like that. It would have been better if there had been at least some hints. Everyone naturally speculated that he might have committed serial killings to ensure no one surpassed Ai, and based on the way the scenes were portrayed, it did seem that way. But since it hasn't been mentioned so far, it could be that such events never happened.

The mention of bearing the weight of lives came up when the Uehara couple died. Kamiki was very distressed, saying, "Do I have to bear even that?" He seemed to be thinking that because of him, Ai died, and so did the Uehara couple, and now an actor has died too. He seems to be self-deprecating, thinking, "Yeah, someone else died because of someone like me." His way of speaking is really strange though... Is there a reason why he feels he needs to elevate the value of his own life?

When I saw the lyrics of "Fatal," I thought, "This is it," because it hints at "something that needs to be filled." What can fill the void? As the lyrics suggest, "a lack of Ai", it seems to be Ai. If you look at the song alone, it’s about wanting to revive someone he really wants to see, right? "Mephisto" is the same, and since it's a double hit, I thought, "Ah, then that's it. That's why he's moving."

あらゆる望のぞみの総すべてを叶かなえたら　ああ果はたせたら

"If all wishes are granted, if they come true,

あなたに会あいたい

I want to meet you.

星ほしに願ねがいをかけて

Wishing upon a star"

Anyway, stars are important. I noticed that stars appear quite often in the manga.

When I first heard "IDOL" and sometimes when I hear certain songs for the first time, I feel an overwhelming rush of emotions. It's a really amazing and exhilarating feeling.

However, if I listen to the song repeatedly, that emotion dulls, and I become less sensitive to it over time.

When I first heard "Fatal," I felt an immediate and intense sensation. It was as if someone was desperately searching and longing for something immensely significant. As soon as I felt that emotion, I instinctively thought, "This must be it," and it struck me so strongly that it became the reason I've been writing a lot lately.

The songs from Persona 3 were like that too. However, while Persona 3's songs had a warmth that supported the heart, a sense of resolve and determination, the songs from this manga feel like they are heavily spiced with MSG. The intensity of the emotions is incredibly fierce and strong. So, I often find myself wondering, "Is this okay? Is this okay?" But then I realize, yes, this is the kind of emotion being conveyed. It's raw but in a different way.

Considering the emotions that have been flowing so far, I felt strongly that Kamiki must be the one that's being depicted. Does anyone else feel similarly to me? Haha. So, I was just observing till that point, but then I couldn't help but dive in, thinking, "This has to be it."

These days, there are so many horrifying, disturbing, and distressing news stories, and it feels like the sentences given to offenders only add insult to injury for the victims(it's very short and light here). I hate it so much. I wish the term "dating violence" would disappear; it should be replaced with another term because that's not love.

So, while watching the developments in this manga, I feel like... I really don't want to empathize with or sympathize with the perpetrator, even in fiction. I understand that fiction can be separate from the reader's morals and I respect that, but when I think about the emotions between the characters in this manga, it doesn't feel like it's the same as those horrifying real-life cases. I really hope it's not. I'm not looking for it to not be like that on purpose; it's just that something feels off...

When watching the scenes with Ai's video, at first, my heart ached, but as time went on, I kept thinking, "Kamiki, you better get your act together." If this character has done things worthy of criticism, I absolutely don't intend to condone those actions even a bit, and I believe they should pay for their crimes!

But I think it's okay to wait and see for now? Am I really the type to get easily fooled? Haha. Still, I believe I have a good sense of understanding when it comes to emotions... I got Aqua and Kana right, and maybe that's why I got excited and gained momentum. It was exactly as I thought, for their case.

Well, we'll have to wait and see. I'm going to stay quiet for now. But if I'm going to draw fan art, I need to have a clear understanding of the emotions, which is important to me. If I can't predict what this character is feeling, I can't touch it.

Kana is really great in this regard. She's a character who doesn't need to overthink, so it's really comforting. While everyone else is complicated and holding secrets, leaving me to wonder "when the heck did you find out about that?" having new conversations among themselves, Kana is relatively easy to understand... what you see is what you get.

Or Ai, since she's shown almost everything (there's one video left), I might be able to do something with her too.

I liked the character Akane because of the profiling scenes. It didn't feel entirely like someone else's business because I do some degree of psychological analysis on the characters I handle. So that could maybe be why the range of characters I can manage isn't that wide depending on the genre. I usually focus on less than 5 characters and examine them REALLY deeply. The types I can understand and handle well are quite distinct for me. However, I want to dive deeply into the characters I do handle.

To create proper fan works, you need a lot of pieces of the puzzle. I might end up being off the mark, but I'm still doing it seriously when I make fan work!

I'm very happy when I hear good comments regarding such area :) I really want to do a good job. For now, I will stay on watch and see how things play out for now.

+

I thanked chatgpt :) :) aw they're nice (although they don't have feelings they've been helping me from rewriting things twice)

[rxttenfish]

in the midst of a bad psychotic episode, so i took a break to draw some general Coping sketches. hence why these are even messier than usual.

going to talk about some things that might be considered "spoilers" or otherwise relevant in caecilian, so if you care about that kind of thing, it's under a read more.

-

miranda having schizophrenia (or, a more general sort of psychotic disorder, as merfolk have their own neurology and culture that isn't fully comparable to human cultures) is one of those few cases where i made a decision based entirely off of me wanting to project my issues onto her, rather than a more specific justification in-canon or in my own worldbuilding and lore as i've built it up. it is still relevant and important, and certainly has an important role to play in why miranda and bellanda's entire... Thing is what it is, and i can certainly give canon examples of why i think it would fit, but it is primarily for my own peace of mind. sometimes there's just no other way to talk about and process what's going on in your own mind, and i find a solace in it, so it stays.

miranda had an early onset of psychosis, and most of her memories include periodic psychotic episodes and constant symptoms of a psychotic disorder, although she can't remember much of her younger years. she's very well aware of this about herself, as is bellanda, since bellanda's been her go-to carer for all of her life.

this has been a necessity, because miranda doesn't tell anyone about it for a reason, and during the peak of every episode she will end up isolating with bellanda, who is equally as dedicated to ensuring no one else learns this information. it can be harder, or it can be easier, depending. miranda would like to isolate the entire duration of every episode, but, well, they just don't have the timing for that. she knows it's hard on bellanda, but, again, they don't have much of a choice and miranda needs someone to help look after her.

it's hard on miranda too. her most common delusion is that of persecution, with severe paranoia resulting in nonsocial behavior and a deep fear to be around people. she's mostly afraid of someone being not who they say they are and trying to hurt her — either in simply having ulterior motives or secretly hating her, or in more complex beliefs regarding creatures from merfolk myth, which inhabit the bodies of merfolk and steal their likenesses to do evil. this often combines badly with her self hate, with her second most common delusion being that her own body has been contaminated by something else, and is inside her, and potentially willing her to do things out of her control. she can't always distinguish this delusion from her own feelings of guilt or loss of self autonomy that the merkingdom cultivates in her, which makes it even harder to deal with.

she will often grow much more accusatory and agitated as it starts to get worse, reacting fearfully and trying to get away or isolate herself from anyone else around her. she will view their actions more negatively, or seemingly connect their actions at random, favoring more and more outlandish explanations. her habit of talking a lot gets either a lot worse, speaking in run-on sentences that meander around and around without getting to the point, acting as a verbal string of thought, or she will entirely calm up and refuse to talk at all, actively trying to resist the urge to speak when it occurs. her ability to speak intelligibly starts to erode, and she will panic more and more as it happens, especially because she knows the pattern and knows that this means she'll have to isolate with bellanda for a while until it gets less bad.

miranda will often turn to self harm. her history within the merkingdom, the way that she was brought up, the way that she's treated, have all taught her that she deserves to be punished for misbehavior and to help keep her in line and make her learn, and thus she's formed a complicated sort of assurance in regards to pain. if she's hurting, then she must be getting corrected. she deserves to be corrected. if she's corrected, then she can finally be good, and she wants to be good. pain is the only way to get rid of the bad stuff in the world, as it has to be cut out. if she hurts herself, then that's getting rid of the bad stuff in her. she deserves to hurt. she's been bad, and bad people deserve to feel pain and deserve to hurt, especially because that's what makes them good again. she wants to be fixed. she wants to be good again.

for merfolk, chewing on things is often reassuring and comforting. merfolk mouths are large pits of sensory information, and it's a comforting and important way to explore the world for them. they also need to regularly chew on bones or other hard objects and feel a need to do so, partially for the nutrients, but also to exercise their jaw muscles and keep them strong and well-maintained.

unfortunately, this means one of the key markers for a pathologically stressed merfolk is that they begin chewing and biting themselves, seeking to self-soothe without having a more appropriate avenue to do so. miranda has very severe self-chewing habits, and regularly feels the urge and need to do so whenever even minorly stressed, mostly favoring biting her arms, hands, or tip of her tail.

that said, she doesn't have any scars from it. she doesn't have any scars anywhere, actually. she doesn't have the permission to have scars.

by the time we get to the beginning of caecilian, aaravi has helped sit miranda through a few episodes, although she's been lucky that they weren't more severe. usually, it's just making sure miranda isn't left alone and watching her to make sure she doesn't hurt herself, which is the scary part. mostly she just tries to walk miranda through the basic steps of taking care of herself and sitting there with her, finding something else for the both of them to focus on so that miranda can drift through okay. this is how aaravi's gotten miranda to watch most of the movies she has.

she would play games and use that to try and help miranda focus, but it kind of scares her too much, that she doesn't think she could focus. not really in the sense that she thinks miranda might be dangerous, there's very little doubt in aaravi when it happens that miranda's just scared out of her mind and barely even knows where she is, but just... a more general scared. a fear of miranda's fear. a fear of the fact that she has to just lock her and miranda inside and can't tell anyone about it. a fear of what it even means, that she keeps listening to miranda cry at night and bellanda's just as worried as miranda that someone else might see. that she got threatened by bellanda, the first time it happened, to never, ever tell anyone else about this, not now, not ever. and that bellanda was far more scared than aaravi in that moment.

[awkwardauthorwrites]

Soldiers

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 3.3k

Warnings: Angst. SO SAD. Character death.

A/N: Previously on awkward-author. Quotes written in bold are from series 4 of Sherlock. Episode 3, I think? This whole thing was inspired by the soldiers quote, so thanks Moffat.

“It’s just a routine mission.”

Y/N groaned as she slowly started to come around. 

“We’ll be in and out, we just need to get the intel.”

Her first thought was that Thor, for some reason, had hit her over the head with Mjölnir. 

“Buck, you and I will go inside. Y/N, think you can handle being our lookout?” Steve asked.

The second was that she was definitely not in bed or asleep on the Quinjet.

“Got it,” she nodded, a serious look on her face. “You and Bucky will go inside and get the information. I’ll sit up in a tree, making no noise and pretending I don’t exist.”

The third was that her hands were bound behind her back with a cable tie.

“I’ll be fine, Buck,” Y/N laughed and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I promise.”

Sitting up slowly, Y/N assessed her surroundings quietly so as not to draw attention to herself. She couldn’t see much in the dark cell, but there was definitely a slumped over mass in the opposite corner of the room. 

“Stay safe, doll.”

The cold, concrete ground was unforgiving beneath her, making her limbs protest in pain as she got to her feet haphazardly. The only source of light in the cell came from a tiny window which was too high up for her to reach while she was tied up. Moonlight trickled in weakly, barely illuminating the room. Bare, concrete walls boxed her in and a single obscenely large and heavy-looking metal door kept her trapped. 

“Right back at you, Sarge.”

A lightbulb swung above her, propelled by the cool breeze blowing in through the barred window. She made quick work of removing the tie, before using her hands to feel the walls carefully, looking for a light switch as she carefully avoided the body in the corner. She didn’t know if the individual was dead or alive, but until she found out if they were dangerous it was best not to wake them. Her fingers stumbled across a bump in the otherwise smooth wall and she pressed the button hesitantly, only to relax once the light flickered on.

“Steve!” Y/N dashed over to the figure and checked his pulse. Sighing in relief as it beat steadily under her fingers, she rolled him onto his back and shook him gently. “Are you alright?”

“Y/N?” he let out a pained grunt as he pushed himself up into a sitting position as best as he could with his own tied limbs. “I’m okay,” he grimaced at his own words and turned his blue eyes to her in worry. “Are you?”

“Fine,” she repeated his words with an unconvincing nod. 

“Any clue where we might be?” Steve snapped the cable tie effortlessly and slumped against a wall before he looked around the bare cell. Somehow, with the lights on, it looked even more desolate and intimidating. 

“Not one.” She tried not to focus on the dark stains on the walls which could only come from one thing.

“Bucky?”

“Not here.”

“He’s okay. He’s a fighter.”

“I know,” she gave him a small, proud smile before slowly getting to her feet. “Now, let’s get out of here and find our man.” Steve forced out a chuckle at her words, but pulled himself to his feet nonetheless to join her.

Y/N had barely taken a step towards the door before it swung open soundlessly. Two men walked inside with large guns in their hands, spurring Steve to stand in front of her protectively. A third followed after he was given the all-clear, and although Y/N didn’t recognise him, Steve clearly did considering how much his back stiffened.

“You’re awake! I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve been watching you sleep.” The man grinned at them both, his smile coming across as slightly psychotic as he gestured to a camera on the upper-hand corner of the room. “I was afraid my men had hit you a little too hard over the head, Captain. Of course, I told them to aim for your back, I wouldn’t want to ruin your charming good looks.” His eyes flickered to Y/N, her small frame half-hidden behind Steve’s large one. “And you must be Y/N, I’ve heard so much about you.” Peering around Steve’s shoulder, Y/N looked at the German man stood in front of her. His sharp facial features looked eerily familiar, but it was the red skin that covered his face which gave him away.

“Good to see you too, German Voldemort,” she gave him a fake smile and watched in amusement as his fingers twitched in barely concealed anger. 

“Schmidt,” Steve greeted the man in a clipped tone. He was obviously not pleased to see the man. “I thought you were dead.”

“I merely bided my time, Captain America.”

“How are you alive?”

“You can kill a person, but you can never kill an idea,” he smirked at Steve before turning his attention to Y/N. “So, fräulein, according to my men, you’re his boyfriend’s girlfriend,” he pointed at Steve. “Tell me, are you afraid of committing to a whole super soldier, or are you just a fan of cripples?” he asked through gritted teeth. He was clearly trying to get a reaction out of her, but she simply rolled her eyes in response.

“I mean, have you seen that metal arm of his? It can definitely do things that a regular arm can’t,” Y/N shot him a smirk. “Trust me.” Steve tried to nudge her to shut up, but she simply moved her body out of the way in time and held Schmidt’s gaze. His fists were now clenched in obvious aggression, which only widened Y/N’s smug grin. 

“Bringen sie den Soldaten in,” Red Skull turned to snap at the guard by the door. They left the room for all of three seconds before returning, holding up Bucky in between them. He looked like he had been drugged. He could barely fight back as they yanked him into the room, his feet dragging across the floor in failed footsteps. Y/N ran forward as they dropped him to the ground and tapped the super soldier’s cheek anxiously. 

“Hey there, doll,” his voice was slurred as he smiled up at her lopsidedly. 

“Hey, Sarge,” she couldn’t help but return the look before she pulled him to his feet with Steve’s help. “How you doing?”

“They didn’t even ask me any questions.”

“We’re going to play a little game,” Schmidt started to circle the three of them slowly as he spoke. He held his hand out and one of the guards handed him a small gun. “The bullets in this gun are special. Upon impact, the bullet explodes, leaving whoever it hits dead within seconds. I designed it especially for you, Captain America.”

“So you’re going to shoot me?” Steve scoffed. “That’s your big plan?”

“Me? No, of course not,” he laughed. “Your best friend is going to do it.”

“Like hell,” Bucky spat. He stood a little straighter as the drugs left his system and sent a menacing glare towards the German man. “I’m not going to shoot Steve.”

“If you would let me finish,” Schmidt sighed as if he was dealing with a child. “You are going to take this gun, but you’re not going to shoot the Captain.” He paused, and a sinister smile spread across his face. “Well, you could if you wanted to. It’s your choice.” Bucky stepped in front of Y/N at the same time as Steve. “You see, Soldier. It’s easy, really. You can either shoot your best friend, or your girlfriend.”

“And what if we don’t want to play your twisted little game, Jigsaw?” Y/N scoffed as she pushed both men out of the way.

“Then both you and the Captain die,” he said simply. “And you…the Avengers may have erased all traces of the Soldier from your mind, but we can always start the process all over again if we need to,” he turned to Bucky.

“Why are you doing this?” Steve glared at him.

“All these years, Captain America, all this time I’ve been kept alive by one thing and one thing only. My sheer hatred for you. I care not for the modern day Hydra and their false prophecies, nor my conquest. All I care about is my revenge. What better way to exact my revenge than by forcing your closest friend to either kill you or his lover. Either way, I win, for as I have come to learn…” He paused to bring a careful hand to the hideous burns on his face. “Some pains are worse than death.”

“I won’t do it,” Bucky sent the man a murderous stare. “I won’t kill either of them.”

“You have fifteen minutes to decide, soldier,” Schmidt turned his back to the three of them briefly. “And just to make sure you don’t have any funny ideas, I’ll be watching from the next room. My men will keep an eye on you.” Three more men walked in once Schmidt left, all armed to the teeth. Under any other circumstance Steve, Bucky and Y/N would have been able to take the five of them down without a sweat. But the large guns that were being pointed at them made them reconsider. One of the guards kicked over the gun Schmidt had dropped and it skidded across the floor and came to a stop in front of Bucky.

“I’m not doing it,” Bucky repeated, looking between Steve and Y/N. “I won’t.”

“You can’t let them brainwash you again,” Y/N said quietly.

“So what?” Bucky whirled around to face her. “You want me to kill you or Steve to save my ass?” he laughed darkly and shook his head.

“I don’t…” she sighed and looked away from him. 

“What if we took them all down?” Steve asked in a hushed tone, looking at the five guards who were staring them down.

“They’d shoot us before we even took a step towards them,” Y/N muttered. “And then they would just take Bucky away and brainwash him all over again.”

“I’m growing impatient, soldier,” Schmidt’s voice sounded through the room, making the three look around in confusion before realising he more than likely installed a speaker in the room.

“I thought I had fifteen minutes?” he snapped. “Fuck off for the rest of the thirteen and leave us alone.” There was no response or order given to shoot them all on the spot. “How are we going to get out of here?” he lowered his voice considerably and shuffled closer to Steve while wrapping an arm around Y/N’s waist.

Steve was just as adamant as Y/N that Bucky stayed himself and wasn’t taken away to be turned back into the soldier. They argued back and forth about it for a few minutes before Bucky finally caved and the two of them discussed a game plan, with every scenario failing because of one issue or another. Y/N remained silent and simply leant against Bucky’s side to steal some of his warmth. Her mind was going at a mile a minute as she tried to figure out a strategy of her own. She wasn’t optimistic about the outcome of the situation they had been placed in. She knew there were only two outcomes. Either she or Steve died and Bucky left with the remaining person, or they both died and Bucky would be taken, brainwashed and tortured into being the Winter Soldier again. 

“Time is running out, Solider. You have seven minutes.”

“Thanks for the countdown,” Bucky growled. Schmidt chuckled through the comm, a sound which made Y/N shiver in repulsion. Bucky held her closer, his hand running up and down her side in hopes of comforting her. “Don’t worry, doll,” his lips brushed the top of her head gently. “We’re all getting out of here. Alive.” She tried to smile and nod to show she believed him, but it came out as a grimace. He simply gave her an apologetic look before turning back to Steve to figure out an escape route.

“You have five minutes to shoot someone. Are you going to pick, or shall I?” Schmidt asked.

“Fuck off,” Bucky hissed.

“Pick one, soldier.”

“I won’t,” Bucky’s hand shook in concealed rage as he stared at the floor. “You can’t make me.”

 “If you don’t choose then I will make the choice for you,” he snapped. “Now tell me, your best friend, or your girlfriend?”

“Buck –”

“Shut up Steve,” he practically growled. “Don’t you dare cave in and try to give me that speech. It’s my choice and I will not choose.”

“Guards?” The men standing in the room stepped forward and knocked Y/N and Steve to the ground forcefully.

“Don’t touch them!”

“Ah.” The barrel of a gun was pressed to the back of both of their heads. “One more step and they both die.” Y/N looked at Steve from the corner of her eye and received a failed attempt of a reassuring smile in return.

“Why?! Why are you making me do this?” Bucky yelled, spinning around to face a man that wasn’t there.

“Isn’t it obvious? I want to see who you’ll choose. The man who’s been your best friend for almost a century, or the girl whom you’re in love with.” Bucky’s eyes slide over to look at you and Steve helplessly.

“Buck…I –”

“Y/N, don’t you –”

“Shut up,” she looked over at him. “Just shut up. I’m not letting you do this alone. Shut up and let me help you for once.” He held her glare for a couple of second before they were interrupted once more.

“Let them stand.” They rose to their feet slowly, bodies on full alert as they looked at the guards that surrounded them. “I wouldn’t do anything stupid if I were you, Captain America. I still have guns aimed at all three of you.”

“Hey there, Sarge,” she tried to send Bucky a reassuring smile.

“Y/N…” his voice cracked as he watched her carefully with unshed tears.

“You’re not going to like what I have to say –”

“Don’t –”

“And you’re going to want to fight me on it,” she continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “You both are. But you got to pick me, Buck.” 

“No,” Steve cut in. “I’m a century old, I’ve passed my date. You and Y/N have just found each other. You deserve a chance to be happy.” Bucky watched them both in silent rage as Y/N took a hesitant step forward towards him. When Schmidt and his guards didn’t make a move to stop her, she took another. 

“You and Steve are best friends. You need each other.”

“I need both of you,” he rasped.

“You don’t need me that much, not like him,” she shook your head sadly and took another step. “It’s got to be me. You need to be soldiers, boys, and that means to hell with what happens to me.”

“Tick, tock, solider,” Schmidt said, eyes gleaming as he watched the three of them in amusement. Steve tried to step forward and started to sprout all sorts of reasons why Bucky should kill him, but Y/N didn’t let him get very far.

“Hey, look at me,” she ran her fingers over his jaw and smiled weakly. “Let me see those pretty eyes of yours one last time, Sarge.” Tears ran down his face and she was quick to wipe them away. “You know how I feel about being sappy, but considering the circumstances I think I can let it slide this one time.” His hand came up to wipe away a few of her own tears, a protest already bubbling on his lips. “You have no idea how happy you’ve made me these past couple of months.”

“Y/N –” 

“Sh, it’s my turn now. You’re a good man, James Barnes. The best I know, including old mama Steve. I just want you to know that. Winter Solider or not. I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world and I just wanted to thank you for letting me get to know you.”

“I can’t.” He almost sobbed as she brought the gun up and held it to her stomach. “Please, doll, don’t make me.”

“Steve needs you, Buck.”

“I need you. I love you.” He wiped at his eyes angrily and pulled her in for a hard kiss. “I love you.”

“I know,” Y/N bit back a fresh wave of tears and kissed him back. “I know and I’m so sorry Buck but there isn’t any other choice. You can’t kill Steve. You need him more, whether you know it or not. Until the end of the line, remember? And anyway, the world isn’t quite finished with Captain America.”

“Fuck the world! I can’t lose you. Either of you.”

“You won’t,” she tangled her fingers in his hair. “I’ll be right there with you. Forever and always.” She placed his shaking finger on the trigger before flicking the safety off. “But you need to do this.” She took in a shaky breath and looked away from Bucky for two seconds to the man behind her. “Steve?”

“Y/N, you can’t –”

“Stop wrecking my moment, Rogers. You know I like to be dramatic.” She tried to lighten up the situation to no avail. “You need to take care of him, you hear me? If you don’t look after him properly I’m going to resurrect myself just so I can kill you. Promise me you’ll take care of him Steve.”

“Y/N –”

“Promise me or I’ll knock you out so that you will stop fighting me on this!”

“I-I promise.”

“And tell everyone else on the team that I’m sorry – so sorry – and they’re the best family I could ever ask for. And hug Wanda tight for me. She’ll need someone after I’m gone. Got it?”

“Understood.”

“Soldiers?”

“Soldiers,” Steve nodded, tears falling down his own face.

“And you,” Y/N turned back to Bucky. “Don’t beat yourself up over this. It was my choice, not yours. I don’t want you to wallow and mourn over me for the rest of your life. Get yourself out there. Be happy. Move on.” She pecked him once more. “Well, give it a couple months before you date anyone else, but promise me you’ll try to be happy.”

“I won’t.”

“Bucky, please,” she closed her E/C eyes as tears cascaded down her face. “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

“You’re making me kill you. And don’t you dare try and tell me it’s for the greater good.”

“Utilitarianism then,” she swallowed thickly. “The greatest pleasure for the greatest number.”

“No one will be happy if you’re dead.”

“But they sure as hell will be fewer unhappy people than if Captain America died. Or all three of us. The whole world will be at stake then.”

“I don’t care. At least you would still be with me.”

“I’m getting bored with how long this is taking,” Schmidt tsked in annoyance. “Are you going to kill one of them or do I have to decide?” 

“I really don’t care about antagonising you right now, Red Skull, so shut the fuck up, we are trying to have a moment to say goodbye over here,” she looked up at the ceiling and all but growled at him. They could all picture him flaring in anger at her words, but no one made a move to shoot which prompted her to look back down at the beautiful, emotionally wrecked man in front of her. “Look at me. It sucks. It fucking sucks so bad, but you need to do this, Buck.” She held his hand more securely around and gun. 

“If you’re going out then I’m going out with you,” he leant down so his face was levelled with hers.

“That’s not part of the deal, Sarge,” she smiled weakly and shook her head. “Pull the trigger.”

“I can’t.” He shook his head violently. “I won’t.” Y/N wrapped her hand around his wrist and pressed the gun firmly to her skin. Wiping her tear-stained eyes on her shoulder, she leant up to kiss him one last time as they both squeezed the trigger.

“I love you, James.”

[kylermalloy]

Hi hello sorry for spamming ur notifs sndndnd i have a question for you! Are you just into elijah and klaus (and rebekah too??) or do u go crazy for all the mikaelsons? If u dont whats the main appeal of elijah and klaus for you! Im very glad to have found ppl who are also Insane™ about the mikaelsons in the year of our lord 2023 and its really fun seeing ur takes on things and reading ur work! Hope u have a good day/night uwu

Hi hi hi never apologize for spamming! How else would we express our passion for the things we love? ❤️

Klaus and Elijah are definitely my favorites out of all the Mikaelsons, but I do love Rebekah a lot too! Freya, Finn, and Kol are further down the list, in that order. I love my murder children, but I’m not their mother—I’m not obligated to love them all equally!

I think the main appeal of Klaus and Elijah for me is simply their intensity. They’re the first originals we meet in tvd, and before we even see them together onscreen we can tell they have a fraught, complicated history—yet there’s love there too.

The flashbacks to the 15th century as they prepare to sacrifice Katherine? Klaus laughing about their silly ploys throughout history, while Elijah gazes lovingly over his shoulder? Bliss. I swoon. And the scene in present day, after Klaus has broken the curse and has just transformed back into a human? Elijah, the previous night (or however long ago) was prepared to kill him. Had his hand in his heart and everything. Yet now here he is, helping Klaus dress like some kind of butler—someone who’s been there for him like this time and again.

I go similarly insane about the flashbacks to the 1920s, in which Klaus has to explicitly tell the audience that Rebekah is his sister and not, you know, his girlfriend. But they do undercut this slightly with Rebekah immediately jumping on Stefan and, while I approve, climb that ripper tree, it does take away from her psychotic, erotic bond with Klaus.

And that’s just in tvd! That’s only setting the stage for TO! In TO, Klaus and Elijah’s bond is ramped up to main character status. Elijah is simultaneously Klaus’s brother-associate, his overbearing, cautioning father figure, and the lover with whom he has frequent spats and reconciliations. Klaus is having a baby? No, Elijah says, we’re having a baby! And inserts himself into this pregnancy situation with Hayley, and no one questions it.

(Klaus and Rebekah’s relationship also gets some amazing moments in s1 of TO, and for the first time Rebekah and Elijah’s relationship gets to shine too! But alas, after some of the best episodes of the entire show—episodes 1x14-16—Rebekah departs, so we get to see less of her with her siblings, and Klelijah continues to take center stage.)

I could detail every single thing I love about Klelijah’s relationship, their ups and downs, their tragedy and their comedy—and I might come back later and add on, if I feel like it!—but yeah, that’s my draw to these two. Canon is so generous with them, and I simply go crazy for it!

Not to mention—the actors’ chemistry had a huge hand in all this. They bounce off each other so well, and their mannerisms are so different yet both so old at the same time. You really believe they’ve known each other for a thousand years, and any fight that they have is mere window dressing to the centuries they’ve stood shoulder to shoulder.

And not only that! But! (⚠️Spoilers for the end of TO, if anyone still cares about that⚠️) The show rewards me and lets them die together. Klaus makes the ultimate sacrifice for his daughter, and Elijah’s like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess I’ll die too, and follows him into oblivion for no other reason than he wanted to. Ah yes, a very normal brotherly relationship. (I’m going FERAL just thinking about it again!)

Truly I have not been normal about them since 2018, and that doesn’t look to be changing anytime soon. I will keep repeating myself in posts like these until…either the whole world understands the brilliance of TO, or until I die. Whichever comes first.

[thisworldisablackhole]

SeeYouSpaceCowboy The Romance of Affliction

🌕🌕🌕🌕🌑

It was a cold, dark winter evening. My best friend and I were having one of our frequent "get faded and listen to music" sessions. Those hang outs were always the highlight of my week. Crack a cold one, have some deep conversations, and crank some tunes. Lift off, baby. The vibes were good, but when it came time for me to commandeer the Auxiliary Cord SS, I admit I was a little sheepish.

"You got any new shit?"

"Well… sort of… you might not like it though"

"Fuck it dog, put that shit on. You know I'm pretty open minded"

I laughed.

"Alright, we'll see about that"

I think I might have put on "…and My Faded Reflection in Your Eyes", first, but my memory of that night is a little hazy. It doesn't matter though, because what happened next was a complete and enthusiastic unravelling of our former selves as we bonded over a new found mutual love of melodic metalcore. We had been friends for close to 10 years, but up until this point we had reserved our musical exchanges for mostly palatable cool guy bands who hid their emotional urgency under a veil of artful stoicism. Perhaps this was done out of shame, because wearing your heart on your sleeve is generally discouraged in the culture of adulthood. It felt like a risk to open up and share the side of me that still loves an arguably juvenile mode of expression, but the reward for doing so was unbridled joy and connection.

SeeYouSpaceCowboy said fuck shame, fuck stoicism, fuck acting cool. We're gonna scream, we're gonna sing, and we're gonna feel something. The Romance of Affliction is scenecore for the modern age, and it is completely unapologetic in being so. Taking cues from bands like Drop Dead Gorgeous, The Blood Brothers, Botch, and Underoath, SYSC created a special blend of sounds that is equal parts chaotic, violent, and sweet as sweet tea on a hot southern day. Sugar, spice, everything nice, and a metric fuck tonne of Chemical X. Excuse my language.

One of the first things to really draw me into this album was the vocals. This album has a major case of split personality disorder, and I mean that in the best way possible. Vocalist Connie Sgarbossa bounces between larynx shredding highs, lows, and sasscore yelps while guitarist Ethan Sgarbossa and bassist Taylor Allen also chime in with mid ranged roars and lovesick cleans. It's enough to induce a psychotic episode, or at the very least give listeners with ADHD enough variance in frequency and delivery to keep them stimulated. The vocal patterns are impressively synchronized, and you can tell that a lot of thought goes into this aspect of their music. It's something I wish more bands would take note of, but maybe that's just my addled attention span speaking. There are some pretty cool, albeit head turning features on this album as well. Shaolin G's rap verse on "Sharpen What You Can" in particular has been polarizing, but ends up being one of the more impactful and (frankly) punk rock moments on the album as he comes in with a strong message of self affirmation and being true to yourself in the face of adversity.

The instrumentals don't hold back either, and come well equipped with their own hyper aggressive inability to sit still. Razor sharp panic chords and time signature switch ups dance their way toward atmospheric passages before plummeting back down to earth with classic single note breakdowns. Almost every song comes packaged with a hookworm chorus or dreamy melodic bit to offer respite from the teeth clenching madness and draw you back in for repeated listens. A good hook is one that makes you really appreciate everything leading up to and preceding it, and thankfully the band delivers on this every time. SYSC doesn't just rely on a catchy chorus to sell a mediocre song. They aren't afraid to show their full hand of influences either, as they ambitiously swing between three or four different niche subgenres in rapid motion. It might sound like a recipe for disaster, but it comes across as more meticulous than random, and the result is a surprisingly smooth and cohesive experience. 13 songs and 40 minutes goes by with a flash, and not once do I feel like the band is testing my patience.

The Romance of Affliction is a time machine that will unlock forgotten pieces of your heart, but it's also a vessel of progression for a subgenre that not many are brave enough to claim in today's landscape of serious mature stoicism. SeeYouSpaceCowboy have managed to breathe fresh life into old tricks in a way that only the most studious of scene disciples could pull off, and I can't wait to see them continue to flourish and expand their palette of influences in the years to come.

[weirdlyfitting]

Hmmm long time no ramble abt myself so here i am lmaooo

I've been keeping these thoughts and problem to myself and it has affected my mental health tbh, just ignore this if y'all don't want to read some negativity cause this had a lot of it :(

So what happened???

Long story short i enjoy video essays so much (especially for mcu) but because they've been too critical these days that the contents made me uncomfortable in so many ways

I love, LOVEEE video essays cause not only i learn something from a writing standpoint it's also about my favorite thing, it's like listening to a friend's story while i'm doing something or nothing, well mostly i did it when drawing tho

IF i watched these kinds of contents again again and againnnn, it's not enjoyable and i feel like it's too much. Kinda ironic considering one of the critics for phase 4 included having too many projects and simply being too much.

There are some points that i def agree on tho, but seriously when could these people talk about the good stuff that came out of phase 4? As in stuff like these

AND ESPECIALLY THIS

Back then i watched the wandavision analysis video after i started to watch (well obvi) wandavision and it grew on me because as the show went on he kept uploading the analysis of each new episodes up to the finale :D

It's incredibly shocking for me to learn that trauma played a really important role on the whole story, pretty much the same with real life tho so it's (again shockingly for me) relatable

Some times later then i find this video i'm beyond sad, and i think i had a breakdown??? Idk my memory's a mess but yea it affected me til this day

I hated the way she's handled in multiverse of madness like she's just having a solo story on her journey of 5 stages of grief and holy fuck she's a villain now??? But pre multiverse of madness she is a great hero to me

I feel like this guy didn't understand or acknowledge what psychosis is (NOT psychopath) when making the video tho (when talking abt pre mom wanda)

I've ever had a psychotic break and i relate to wanda a little by little as the episode went on, it's maddening because i couldn't control any of what i see, hear, or feel. God I just wish more people are kinder on mental health subject :(

I'm not a psychopath, i'm not a narcissist. I'm in need of serious help and by watching positive essays about my comfort characters, movies, or shows helped me understanding the why and what caused it (yes therapy is expensive). I needed comfort and i'd never do harm to others to get that comfort, the psychotic breakdown only happened to me and i've seen shits that i don't want to see anymore. It's a lot :(

Anyway back to it, i've rarely seen anyone who made a video essay talking and explaining about the good stuff that came from phase 4. As in like "the whole phase" yknow?

I mean this phase isn't perfect, maybe far from it tho, there were up and downs yes they exists, too many projects that made mcu feels like a homework and not an event.

But this phase was also one of the only thing that were there for me in dark times, reminder that in 2021 the pandemic still exist and i wasn't able to learn fully at school and all those stuff

Let's say i was still isolated from outside life, really is an introverted person and all i had was internet and comfy bedroom, not to mention my psychotic breakdown happened too for sometimes

When no way home came i feel like it's a movie made for me cause i was kinda in peter's place. I was too struggling to find a university, i didn't know where to go and watching this movie made me feel safe and keeping me to keep going to search on my uni

Then oh my god where do i even begin : moon knight

this show changes lives and i'm one of those life who's changed jagsjsgshsgs, i was in my darkest and i mean it, DARKEST mental state i've ever been on. But this show kept me going, this show was there for me, greeting itself as a friend then it grew on me as time changes. I'm forever grateful to watch this show when it's still aired from the first ep 🥺

I met a uni friend who loved moon knight and overall mcu and oscar too, plus the moots in here aaaa it's just so memorable!

So yeah, phase 4 may be messy and all but it's a good mess for me. I simply would not care anymore if i recieve negative essay reccommendations on my youtube, i'd only watch them when i feel like i want to

With now in phase 5 tho, i'm hoping the flaws from phase 4 can improove. I feel like quantumania is def an okay start for phase 5

there's always a room to grow

[clarktooncrossing]

Giraffe's Eye View | Spy x Family REVIEW (Kind of)

Hello there people of today and robots of tomorrow! It's me, Clark, here with another rambling collection of my opinions. When last I did this it was in regards to Komi Can't Communicate, my favorite anime that actually originates in Japan. I have since watched all of Season 2 of the show, which amplified the adorable factor with all the times Komi had full conversations with Tadano. Seriously, my heart melted knowing whenever I saw her overcome her phobia. That said, Season 2 had by far the worst moment on the show, one I saw coming thanks to the manga. While on a school trip to Kyoto, Stalker McGee (Amai Ren to the people who somehow like her) plans to gaze upon Komi's breasts when they the girls have to share a bath house together. I was already annoyed by how Agari's seemingly gigantic boobs were once again acting as the butt of the joke, so seeing Stalker salivate at the idea of touching Komi's boobs made me physically uncomfortable. Heck, considering how much of a psychotic pervert she is, I'm surprised she even asked. To top it off, the next episode has Komi interacting with two very sweet students that I wish the show would focus on more. One's a busy body named Katou Mikuni and her yo-yo loving friend is called Sasaki Ayami. They treat Komi to a fun day at totally not Universal Studios Japan, never once trying to grope their new friend. Why this series puts so much focus on Stalker McGee as apposed to any of these characters is a mystery to me, but following this episode I pretty much fast forwarded through every scene she was in. Their White Day episode took place on Friday the 13th, leading me to hope Jason Voorhees could show up and shut this creep up! No such luck.

The one time this guy doesn't wanna introduce a horny teenage idiot to his machete, unbelievable! And no, I don't actually wish horrible things upon this character, I just wish she'd go away!

Needless to say I was feeling pretty annoyed when I decided to check out another anime that had been gaining popularity ever since it started streaming on Hulu.

Every where I turn on the Internet there's clip compilations of Anya being cute or inappropriate fan art of Yor on deviantART, and of course none of my friends on Discord will shut up about this show. Being the fan of the found family trope myself, I finally caved in and gave it a watch myself.

The show centers around Michael Weston, a recently burned spy who's forced back to his hometown of Miami, Florida due to unforeseen circumstances. There he's joined by retired Navy Seal Sam Axe, ex-girlfriend and explosives genius Fiona Glenanne, and even his mother, who all help Michael clear his name over the course of eight seasons.

No wait, I'm thinking of a different spy show.

It's called Burn Notice and all of you should totally watch it! If the compelling ongoing story of what happened to Michael doesn't draw you in, the promise of eight seasons worth of Bruce Campbell should!

Back to the show we were talking about, it centers around a super-spy known only as Twilight!

Out there is a universe where this guy has the codename Agent Rainbow Dash. In this universe Twilight / Loid Forger is tasked with stopping a war between two countries. How do they intend on him doing that? By turning him into a family man of course! In order to prevent war Loid has to deal with a man named Donovan Desmond, who only appears at social gatherings held at his son's super-elite school. Twilight accepts, adopting the most adorable little girl known as Anya, not knowing that the pink-haired cutie can read minds.

Anya uses her Professor X style powers to get out of a lot of scrapes, such as reading her potential new dad's mind in order complete a crossword puzzle. This convinces the super spy of the girl's intelligence, being the fifth person to adopt the poor little girl. Given how utterly depressing Anya's backstory is, rooting for her proves to be no problem, even when she does act somewhat bratty. If nothing else this show does a terrific job showing how unpredictable children are. She's never a little devil in disguise, nor is she a fallen angel. She's just a decent kid who loves peanuts, penguins, and anime. She also hates carrots and wishes bakery sold bacon. Heck, I'm with Anya on that last one, why don't bakeries sell bacon!?

She also figures out pretty easily that Loid is a spy, a factor she loves considering her favorite show is all about spies.

Her excitement only grows when she meets her new mother, an assassin known as Thorn Princess/ Yor Forger.

Behold, the subject of so much fanart online! I kid but honestly Yor's the most likable character on the show. Despite her night job as an assassin, she tries to be as good a mother to Anya she can be. She's nurturing, supportive, and kicks the ever-loving crap out of anybody who'd dare harm her baby. Yor Forger has the best Momma Bear Mode in all of freak'n fiction.

Along with her relationship with Anya, Yor's relationship with Loid is pretty sweet too. Like so many rom coms, the two get together under contrived circumstances. The school Anya needs to enroll in excludes single parents for whatever reasons, meaning Loid needs a mate in order to achieve world peace. Meanwhile Anya needs a cover up to her assassin job, plus she doesn't want her somewhat creepy brother Loid to find out she was lying about having a boyfriend. The two find each other with Anya's help, forming a fake bond with some very real at its center, regardless of whether or not they want to admit it. Yor gives Twilight the best advice she can, Twilight tries to navigate Yor out of awkward situations, and both act as protective parental units for Anya. A good example of this comes during Anya's entrance exam, one obnoxiously rude headmaster asking Anya if she prefers her new mom or her old one. With tears dripping down their baby's face, you can believe that Yor or Loid would've killed this pompous ass-wipe for saying something so cruel.

Luckily Anya is accepted, which is only half the battle. From there she has to contend with homework and Desmond's second son Damian. If my exposure to the DC Universe has taught me anything, it's that spoiled rich sons called Damian are the biggest brats of them all. While this Damian never gets his butt handed to him by the Ninja Turtles, Anya more than picks up the slack due to training from her mom.

As someone who was bullied extensively when he was younger, scenes like this always feel like karma finally being fulfilled. Unfortunately that's the one kid in school Anya has to befriend. And despite the weird feeling in his heart whenever he's around her, Damian refuses to play ball. Unlike Becky, the daughter of a military contractor who immediately forms a friendship with the Forger kid. Honestly it's so nice when anything good happens to Anya, considering this is the first time a family hasn't returned her. Seeing how all the Forgers help support each other despite continued claims that they're a 'fake family' is beyond heart-warming. It's easy to see why everybody's addicted to this show.

However, that brings me to a major problem. Not with the show mind you, but with Hulu. Back with my Princess Mononoke review I made a big stink about subs vs dubs, rambling on about why I prefer dubbing over subtitles. It all boiled down to me not wanting to read anything at the bottom of the screen when my full attention should go to the bigger picture as a whole. This wasn't a problem with Spy x Family, their first 12 episodes dubbed over. Then came episode 13 and all of a sudden every other episode was subbed. The heck? What happened to the dubs?

My friend Alec explained there are dubs for the rest of Season 1, all of them locked behind a paywall on Crunchyroll. Anybody who's about to type how I should join their premium service can stop right now. I'm addicted to four animes out a billion. Why would I sign up for a service I'd rarely use? Bad as I am with saving money, I ain't that financially foolish. Now I tried to watch the version with subtitles, but I realized how that wasn't gonna fly when a scene with multiple people talking at once played out. Yeah, nope. So for now I have to track down the mangas while waiting for Hulu to get the rest of Season 1. This is really a bummer considering I know who was joining the family come the later half of the season...

What a freak'n tease! For now though, I can confidently say that Spy X Family is fun for the whole family! Grab yourself a bag of peanuts and go check it out for yourself.

Meanwhile, wanna know my thoughts on other anime content? Check out my previous reviews for Komi Can't Communicate and Princess Mononoke! Until then; may the glasses be with you!

NEXT TIME ON GIRAFFE'S EYE VIEW...

[lenalvthor]

okay im back 5 mins later but not to talk more about fandoms being silly but this time to rattle the bars of my cage about media analysis (if u want my qualifications go read my masters thesis idk)

i saw a post where someone was complaining about why we had a billy centric episode when it's agatha's show and i know i touched on the whole wiccan origin thing up there but i feel like i need to maniacally draw circles around photos on my conspiracy theory board and tell you that it's because billy is arguably The Most important character in agatha's story over these 9 episodes because he's symbolically standing in for nicholas

the importance of agatha losing her son is perhaps the Most crucial aspect of her characterisation that we are getting insight into in this show (followed closely by, I think, the glimpse of her mother's cruelty that we saw in her trial in ep 5). the grief and guilt agatha feels over the loss of her son is embedded so deeply into her psyche, that it was a part of agnes's backstory in the hex, even when agnes had no context for this loss at all. agatha, who as far as we know currently, sacrificed or lost nicholas as the price for obtaining the darkhold, only to then lose the darkhold to wanda, who died after being corrupted by it as she desperately searched for her sons after losing them when the hex went down. billy is intrinsically tied to agatha in this cyclical loop of motherhood and power and sacrifice and consequence.

though we knew it wouldn't be the case because it was too narratively obvious, there was clearly a point at which both agatha and teen wondered whether he was actually nicholas, and though they both realised otherwise at some stage, that doesn't mean that maybe isn't important. because we saw agatha was soft on him long before she had any certainty of who he was, he reminded her of her son or of who her son could have been, and even in episode 6 when his identity is revealed and they discuss what that means, she's proud and imploringly tells him not to feel guilty for his power and ambition. she's agatha, so she's a little psychotic, and there's an abundant lack of trust between them, but it's very obviously maternal.

the core theme of wandavision was the intertwined experience of love and grief and that's spilled into the heart of agatha all along too; agatha has learned not to regret much of the cruelty she's enacted through the centuries out of necessity and, again, the fact that she is, in some ways, a villain. but it's so obvious that nicholas is a weight of grief and guilt and regret, so to have billy here, the son wanda thought she'd lost but didn't, who so easily could be the son agatha lost but isn't - it's the most interconnected relationship and reciprocally symbolic character duo on the show.

this isn't to say that rio isn't tied to it, of course - if all our theories are correct and rio is death, then assumedly, the tension and animosity between the two is rooted in rio's inevitable part she played in agatha losing nicholas, but like i said in my earlier rant, rio is very clearly fleshing out a part of agatha's past because they seem to have not seen each other in a While. i don't mean this to say that rio and agatha might not have a reconciliation in the show, or that rio can't be a part of agatha's future, but more to emphasise that the story the show is telling is through the thematic entanglement between agatha and billy more than anything else

(also worth noting: the relationship between parents and children feels like the recurring theme between jac schaeffer's wandavision/agatha all along world - wanda creates the hex as an echo of the safe space her parents carved out for her and pietro through the sitcoms they watched in the war; out of her grief for vision, wanda created billy and tommy and her love for them would as good as cement them into existence even after the hex vanished; monica's whole journey in wandavision to awakening her powers is in the wake of her grief over coming back from the blip and her mom being gone; agatha and nicholas; jen being a midwife; alice and her mother; the maternal nature and vibe we get from lillia; all of the coven towards teen; agatha and her trauma over her mother's cruelty - i.e., this is not a show where romantic relationships are or should be the focus, and while there's nothing wrong with loving and appreciating a ship in a show, it's important to not start viewing the show through shipping lenses because that's not how storytelling works!)

hey i have a fucking bone to pick with sapphic fandoms

like, i get it okay. i've been on tumblr since 2011, i was in the trenches during the bury your gays nightmare, i grew up on buffy, i watched the 100, i've been through the furious and devastating queerbaits, and i've watched helplessly as the boom of proper progress with sapphic rep has burned and disappeared with the faults of the industry as it is rn and the resurgence of bury your gays in the form of tv cancellations

i even did a fucking guest lecture for a film & tv university course a couple years ago on all of this

we joke about the fact that queer (specifically sapphic) fans flock to any show with the barest hint of rep in it because we're so starved for it, and we talk about the fact that if nothing else, that proves that there's a market and an audience and it usually creates a huge wave of viewership and attention for the show

but i need to fucking point out: acting as though a show exists for the sole purpose of the sapphic relationship you've started watching it for is fucking detrimental to how you'll perceive the show, how it'll get talked about in fandom spaces and then beyond that (bc the line between fandom spaces and wider online discussion of media is a lot thinner than it was ten years ago) and isn't actually going to do any good for sapphic rep! like, at all! because guess what! unless you're watching a show where the entire storyline revolves around romance, this couple you're watching for ISN'T going to be the centre of the story! it's a part of it! and there's such a weird fucking entitled toxicity to how fans act around brilliant storytelling and worldbuilding and writing and characters throwing tantrums about not getting more screentime for the relationship they like because they don't actually care about any other part of the story. and the thing about people who watch something solely for a ship rather than the wider story it exists in, is that a lot of the time, you'll fundamentally misinterpret the characters and their dynamic because you're not taking any of the wider context of the world and story into account at all.

and yes, of course i'm talking about agatha all along in the immediacy. because we knew a long, long time ago that billy maximoff was gonna be an integral part of this story, long before we knew anything about what the vibe of this show was gonna be, long before anyone even had the tiniest whisper of rio's existence. the same way wandavision was monica rambeau's origin story even though the show was wanda's, we suspected that agatha all along would be billy's/wiccan's origin story even if the show focused on agatha. and you know fucking what. that's good fucking storytelling. this show is smart, it's funny, it's curious, it's campy, it's queer, and it's ensemble. that's always been the point. agatha and rio were a delightfully unexpected part of it that added such delicious tension and phenomenal sapphic rep, but you know what else! the point of that dynamic is to flesh out agatha's character! this show isn't about agatha and rio! it's about agatha and billy, who they are, how their pasts and their magic are connected, their traumas and their power and how the road shapes their futures! rio is a part of exploring agatha's past, and it's phenomenal, but i am so fucking bewildered by the ridiculousness of people's reactions to billy now having a bigger part in the story and there being less focus on agatha and rio. you do know that you write scenes and characters and stories in a way that makes sense right? that because of the nature of this show, even if we don't get more than a handful agatha and rio scenes for the rest of the episodes, they're both still sapphic characters, this is still wonderful sapphic rep, and this show is still very, very queer?

like, it's obviously not fair that we have to beg for scraps to have queer shows to watch. but that doesn't mean that any of us get to do such a fucking disservice to the people who make amazing shows and fight to put sapphic rep in them within the contexts of the stories they're telling by whining that it's not enough. what we're getting with agatha all along, what kathryn han and aubrey plaza and jac schaeffer have said with such grace and nuance and intrigue and depth about agatha and rio's relationship, is so fucking rare! and it's nestled within a story that's got so much other intricate storytelling that makes agatha and rio richer characters when you actually pay some fucking attention and care about who they are outside of their sexual tension!

and i'm saying this because this is an issue i see with So many other shows, where the worth of a show gets boiled down to fandoms wanting content of their ship and nothing else and then poisoning the conversation and reception around what else it is that show is doing with its story. idk get some fucking media literacy, grow up and respect artists and creatives.

[jentlemahae]

spoilers for the idol ahead bc i caved and pirated the first episode: so i agree with everyone else it wasn't as bad or as explicit as expected but it still felt very voyeuristic and exploitive of lily rose depp. literally 5 minutes in we already see her boobs, there's a scene where she's choking herself while pleasuring herself, the entire dance practice was so obviously for the male gaze as well i mean you can't call what she was wearing an actual outfit tbh and there were so many unnecessary zoom ins to her butt. but the ending of the episode was absolutely abysmal bc the weeknd chokes her with her own robe, then cuts a hole into the robe and says "now you can sing" like that was SO STUPID i was in disbelief truly only a man could write such nonsense!! this is honestly frustrating when you think about the fact that the original show actually had such a good premise but they don't dive into jocelyn as a character at all. yes we find out about her psychotic break after her mother's death and tickets not selling for her concert through other characters but we don't really find out anything from jocelyn herself. her character is only portrayed in a sexual way and i doubt it's gonna get better with the other episodes judging from the trailer there will be no in depth look at jocelyn as a person it's all about her creepy relationship with the rat tail guy and that's such a missed opportunity bc the show really could've shed light on how toxic the music industry is and how badly the media treats especially women in the industry. they even draw parallels to britney and jocelyn does mention that she has to do what the label wants even though she doesn't like the song they want her to release but ultimately all of this falls flat bc sam levinson would rather sexualize his female lead instead of giving her any depth. oh and at one one point her friend says about tedros that he gives her "r*pey vibes" and jocelyn literally says that she likes that about him..... who would even THINK about writing such bs?????? oh right sam levinson... i hate that he thinks he's so edgy, revolutionary and misunderstood when he's just creepy and disgusting point blank.

i still haven’t watched the ep so im experiencing it vicariously through you guys and twt clips fshsh but yeah all the clips i’ve seen literally scream “directed by a man”, the male gaze is just so palpable every time jocelyn is on screen 😐 and oh my ? that’s a very messed up scene but it’s so bizarre it’s honestly almost funny bcs how could someone write such creepy fetishized nonsense 😭 like did he think that would look hot or something ???? that sounds like something out of a mediocre p* movie pls 🥴

yeah i think that a show centred around a young female popstar and talking about her life in and out of the spotlight would have been so interesting, in a way i think especially nowadays since women are dominating the music industry and there’s a lot of talk about how misogyny plays out behind the scene. unfortunately sam lev doesn’t have the artistic scope to do it justice (if anything, he’s actually adding fuel to the fire contributing to the misogyny with his own writing)

[bpdstevenuniverse]

// TRIGGER WARNING - past hospitalization, mentions of suicide and vomit

Today marks a whole year since I left the psych ward.

While I know it was necessary for my safety, I really hated being there. I was bored most of the time because they had no interesting activities. I wasn't able to draw or write, which are things that usually help me sort out my feelings. All the group talks were the same, like they came from generic internet quotes. The food also fucking sucked, just thinking about it now makes me want to puke.

Like, I feel that the process could've been less awful if I were able to express myself. The only things that were comforting to me were the one friend I made there, and the fact I could at least eat snacks to make up for the horrible meals they served. Otherwise, it was a painfully slow process. I was stuck in that place for THREE months, though arguably most of which I was under a psychotic, manic episode. Still, it could've been better.

I could say the same for the aftermath to the psych ward. Certainly, it's not as bad as before. I'm not as impulsive as I used to be, I'm not actively suicidal anymore, I'm seeking more appropriate treatment for my mental disorders and I know that it's going somewhere, at least. But my support system remains shitty; if anything, it's gotten worse, when it should've gotten BETTER after everything I went through. I still simply cannot engage with anything properly. I can't really get attached to college or my peers, I can't get a job... and it's not like I don't try, because I do, but at this point I'm too exhausted.

No matter what I do, my depression always grasps me to remind me that everything is pointless. I don't really have hope for anything - whether it's job opportunities, friendships, romantic relationships, my own place etc. - so I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't want to keep trying only to reach a dead end again. People tell me that things can always be different, but every time I think they will, a knife stabs me in the chest to remind me that no, they won't change. I'll simply never go anywhere.

[meirimerens]

Saw your post sbout being open to questions. Pyotr headcannons? He's my favourite :-)

he's a creature to me

oops sorry

peter hcs, i discuss his mental illness a lil bit in it:

mirror twin with andrey. mirrored cheek and collarbone beauty spots. but you knew that already since i draw it

right-handed (mirror twin lore: andrey is left-handed)

with that: when they were in elementary school, they would struggle to focus to learn to write and the teachers later realized it was because even if they were sat together they kept bumping elbows and hurting each other so they just had to sit peter on andrey's right (and andrey on peter's left) then it was fine

always had long-ish hair as he's always always hated haircuts. he sees them as a... tearing-a-part-of, and he really dislikes the feeling. he will only do tearings if that is necessary to his survival (something something... autotomy... something something i've mentioned it already), and while he has accepted haircuts from trusted people (bc otherwise his hair would be to the floor now) he is Not A Fan. his last drastic haircut came after a very bad moment in his life [like this teehee] (<- comic of mine post)

with that: he had longer hair at some point, in fact he grew his hair out to waist-length between leaving for university and the Almost Drowned Incident of above

committed patricide. not alone, or course, andrey helped. their dad had it coming.

and with that: their dad's family also thought he had it coming and are still close to the twins and their mom (as close as they can be with all that distance)

when he was a child he hated being photographed because he was sure the camera would trap his soul inside of it (this might or might not have had lasting consequences in how he sees painting, and feels haunted by his creations

purely personal and deeply indulgent, but he's bipolar to me. mixed episode in P1 and depressive one in P2. i also go back and forth between seeing him as psychotic bipolar, bipolar/schizophrenic comorbidity, or schizoaffective bipolar type. tldr His Brain Funny

he has a weak stomach to me from drinking so much so his "favorite" meal is boiled potatoes with a drizzle of olive oil on top

when they were toddlers andrey Kept Climbing His Fucking Crib to throw himself into peter's so peter has had most of his life recurring dreams/nightmares where something falls on him from when. andrey did. at 5 kilograms like a chicken.

he has long ass legs to me. clock hands looking motherfucker.

he loves textures he loves to scratch his canvases or linens etc...

he USED to bite his nails now that's more of andrey's thing; he's managed to grow his nails out and only gnaws when he cannot cope any other way

not a hc, i think it was mentioned by IPL: guy who's cold. he's cold often... loves piles of coats

i gotta stop eventually don't i

[bonny-kookoo]

👹Bad Habits (JJK x Reader) 💜☁️🔞

👹Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x Reader

👹Genre: (Twisted)Romance, Angst, Smut, Psycho!JK

👹Warnings: Size kink, Body worship, biting, rough manhandling, JK accidentally hurts her a bit (but apologizes dw), mildly disturbing themes (blood, guts, bones cracking...), criminal activities such as theft (mentioned) and murder (not actively stated, but heavily implied), panic attack, psychotic episodes, psycho!JK because holy shit I actually got scared what did I create, degrading names (he calls her a whore in his mind like once..), possessive JK, strength kink, reader is unable to conceive (chances are very slim), unprotected sex (please wrap it before you tap it folks), impreg kink, dead dove do not eat 🕊 manipulative Koo, Dom!Kook, therapy talk, relapses, horrible anger management, emotional koo, emotional reader, look mom I actually wrote a happy ending

👹Summary: Oh monster monster under my bed, you’re the only one I have left, come out and play ‘cause I need a friend.

Jeon Jungkook is sick.

You know this, you are very aware of it if the very much still gaping holes in the walls of your apartment, left from his most recent violent episode is anything to go by. He's got anger issues, that much is very apparent to anyone who genuinely knows Jungkook. Somehow he just can't keep himself in check, it's like he just needs the perfect trigger to simply go off like a bomb dropped from ten feet. It doesn't take much to rile him up. It takes a lot however to get him back down again.

Now, this would be the perfect moment to explain that you are the sweet and kind ray of sunlight calming his temper and cooling his ever violently burning mind- but that's not the case. There's nothing that can tame the young man at your side, nothing that can snap that collar around his neck and chain him up to a wall until he's safe to be around again. You can't do anything more than watch and pray that he will keep his promise to never ever hurt you. At first, you were worried. Anyone would be.

But then the first outbreak came.

Then the second.

And you were fine.

He would wreck the apartment, throw furniture, or beat someone to a bloody mess in an alleyway next to a nightclub simply because the guy had looked at your admittedly short skirt the wrong way. While for the longest time he didn't care about anyone, you've become his possession, in every way that the word stands. He owns you, every single cell of your being is his, and he's ready to push anyone's eyes back into their skull just for looking at you weirdly. No one is allowed to lust after you but him. No one's allowed to even think about you but him.

It's quite bittersweet, the reasoning behind his obsession with you. You're not scared, you're never running away, you're always so gentle, so delicate, such an angel around him- and in one way he fears that one day he's gonna be the wolf eating the sheep in a frenzy. In the other however, he's weirdly amused by it; the way you still look at him so innocently as if you didn't know that his hands could snap your neck like a twig between his combat boots he's typically sporting. It's a very twisted story with you two, and in a sense, he's certain that you have to be just as sick in your head as he is for genuinely loving him and his bad habits.

Just like now.

You're not saying anything. Even when you can hear the young mans ribs cracking underneath the steel toed black boots of your boyfriend, you're quiet, watching, unable to tear your eyes away from him- and you don't even know who exactly you're watching. You have already forgotten what the young man looked like- your eyes unable to reconstruct his facial features back to what they were before Jungkook had thrown his fists into them until the stranger couldn't even open his eyes anymore, face bloody and bruised to the point where you're hoping he won't survive it. You're also simply watching as Jungkooks pretty long hair, drenched in a mixture of sweat and rain from above whips around violently as if to mimic the way his muscled leg stomps into the man's chest over an over again, face holding a determination that should scare you. It's all over after a moment however, as your boyfriend seems to grow a bit tired now, slowly calming down as his anger ebbs down, waves finally evening as he breathes heavily. He runs a hand through his hair as he looks at what's in front of his feet; unable to quite realize that this was actually him. He turns, looking for you, and his entire facial expression suddenly changes.

While he looked absolutely terrifying just moments before, he's suddenly holding such a sweet and calm glint in his eyes as he takes off his jacket, putting it over your head as he smiles down at you, inner demon now fed again as it seems to crawl back behind his actual soul it consumes daily. You smile back, and he leads you out of the alley, giggling like a teenager when you playfully start to run towards the car, calling him a sore looser when he doesn't let you win like he usually does.

Jeon Jungkook is sick. But he's just a young man as well, deep down.

He's got you sat on his lap as he greedily licks at your neck, teeth suddenly clamping down on the skin as you mewl underneath his touch and actions. He's grinning like the devil in person, his large-in-comparison palms holding your behind as they suddenly sneak underneath your shirt; his shirt, actually, and the main reason he suddenly got hungry to devour you. Your hair is still slightly damp, but he doesn't care as he lifts you up, placing you underneath him on your shared bed, hair falling into his eyes as he pulls the dark grey carharrt shirt over your head, immediately kissing your collarbone, hands kneading your breasts needily as he seems too eager to slow down anytime soon. He grabs your ribs and its as if he doesn't know where to touch- he wants it all, wants to feel it all, all at once, because it drowns out all the bad things he usually does. You're an outlet for his pent up aggression, only that he lets loose differently with you. He's got no hunger to make you suffer, to give you pain or to have you look at him in fear. No, he simply craves the way you writhe underneath him, ready for him, wanting, needing him. Such an angel, such a whore, so needy for his love and affection.

Something he wasn't sure he was capable of.

But he is, and it shows; while he usually moves with his jaw clenched, his brows furrowed, ever so agitated by the simplest of things, his face is calm now, relaxed, eyes however still feral- his gaze enough to make your core ache and your skin tingle. He's chuckling as he moves you around, suddenly impatient as he noticed your panties won't leave your legs as fast as he wants them to. It irritates him to the point where he just rips them as the seams, the fabric now ruined, but neither of you care as his hand instantly finds its way down to cup your heat, ring- and middle finger collecting your slick to bring it upwards to your clit, thumb running in circles over it as you squirm and whine, making him smile.

You're so sweet like this, and he can't help but move your legs, pulling you closer to him in his usual rough manner- he's not capable of being all gentle and sweet, after all. He tries, he really does, but Jungkook is like an overgrown puppy; he doesn't know how much strength he actually has. And it shows, as you squeak, painfully so, as he had gripped your legs a bit too tightly; fingerprints already an angry red on your skin, and he cooes at you, apologizing. "I'm sorry, so sorry.." He hushes against your skin, placing sweet kisses on the pulsing marks on your leg. "can't help it baby.." He muses, and you simply nod your head, hands reaching out for him as he smiles again, kissing your lips, finally.

He's never been fond of the gesture before, not understanding why something as unsanitary as this could be meant to signify any romance at all. But eventually he's gotten to know the intimacy of it, and had decided for himself that he'll never kiss anyone but you in his life. He doesn't want anyone but you anyways. You're his, for now, and forever.

"You're so sweet angel, you know that?"

He humms it against your neck as he finally rids himself of his own clothes, erection hard and proudly waiting to bury itself into your sweet cunt. "Hmm.." He humms again, amusement in his voice as he continues to draw patterns over your sensitive bundle of nerves between your legs. "I still can't believe how I fit inside that pretty body of yours." He says, as you suddenly feel the hot skin of his length against your middle. "Can't believe you can take it so well princess." His hand leaves your core finally, as he slowly enters you, making you mewl as he groans.

He doesn't have much self-restraint, but every time you're together like this, you're both amazed by how much he can control himself. The way he plays you like an expensive instrument makes you hang from his hands like a puppet on its strings. And you love it- the simple fact that he's able to do anything he wants with you, yet he'd never use you just to throw you away. He'd never hurt you. You know this.

He grins as he places his hand over the slight bulge forming underneath your skin where his cock is moving inside you, all warm and swollen, impatient as he can't help but move more vigorously, harder than before, as your body moves along with the beat he's giving you. He's in control, its impossible to lie about that and you don't see any problem with that. Your mind is empty, only pleasure remains as he bites down onto your skin again, hands roaming as if they can't decide where they want to stay; because it's the truth after all. He can't decide what he loves most about you, if your body is whats the most desirable or if its your soul locked inside of it and chained to his own like a prisoner. He gets a kick out of this feeling, out of the way you're speared on his cock like the doll you are, and if he desired to, he could simply snap your bones like those pepero snacks you always eat, and it would be just as sweet as they taste. Yet he doesn't- he's being oh so generous with you, letting you live beside him, keeping you as safe as he could at his side, never to let anything come close to you. You're his.

Jeon Jungkook is sick. But he's also head over heels in love with you.

You don't know what it was this time.

You only know that he's currently in your shared apartment, having returned from Job hunting, and by the sounds of crashing glass, he's probably having another one of those days. You know you should just leave him, but ever so often your own curiosity gets the best of you, and you sit up on the bed, dressed in nothing but a shirt, your panties, and socks to keep your feet warm, since the heating in your apartment broke months ago. You carefully open the bedroom door, peaking around the wood to spot him as he currently kicks his shoes off in an ever so violent manner. He spots you, eyes dark and feral, but this time it's not lust in them. "Get back inside." He barks out, and you know why he does it.

He wants to keep you safe.

Against all odds he knows what he is. He knows he's sick, knows he's a danger to himself and others, and that's why he's always telling you to stay away from him whenever his anger is boiling over like this. It's his way of keeping you safe, keeping you protected and you know better than to go against his own judgement. He knows himself best, after all.

Only as you can hear him hiss in pain do you go against him.

As the apartment grows quiet, you slowly step outside the room again, eyes searching for the form of your boyfriend, before finally spotting him near the kitchen table, one hand on it, while the other is held close to his chest. You can see blood on the white cracked tiled floor close to him, and you immediately grow worried for him. You slowly creep inside the bathroom, retrieving some stuff from the first aid kit, as you walk back outside, spotting him on the couch now. "..kookie?" You carefully ask, wary of any signs of his body that he's not yet down to earth yet. But he doesn't move at all. You slowly walk around the couch, squatting down in front of him as your hands carefully reach out for his inked arm, and he lets you, his eyes eerily not looking at anything at all. You hiss a bit and sit down on his lap as he doesn't argue with you, almost delicately treating his wounded skin. He's probably somehow cut himself on the broken glass from the photo frame he broke. He seems awfully exhausted, which isn't a new sight to you. He usually is after a day like that.

"We're gonna loose the apartment." He says darkly, yet you don't stop what you're doing, simply humming an acknowledgement at him, while you don't look up at him. "Are you even listening?!" He suddenly barks out, grabbing your wrists as you look at him; not in fear however. You simply wait for him, like you always do, until he suddenly looks down onto his hands, letting go of your now red wrists with a look on his face like his favorite puppy has just been killed. "They simply said because of my criminal record they can't employ me-" He began, already getting riled up again as you kissed his cheek to distract him before he could slip again. With you situated on his lap like that, it could prove fatal.

"I'm gonna get a job, from home maybe. We'll figure things out." You softly say, and he doesn't seem like he quite believes you. He doesn't need to, at least not yet. It takes time, but you'll take yourself the time you need, even if its someone else's. Its not like he ever really cared about whats who's after all. "I still love you, you know?" You say, and that's when he breaks.

For the first time in those years you know him, he falls to the ground, crashes onto concrete with full force, and it wrecks through his entire body as he pulls you close, sobbing into your neck as he hiccups and chokes on his emotions, his hug painfully tight, but you don't complain. You're too shocked by his state to react much, other than running a hand over his back in a hopefully soothing manner. He doesn't stop for a moment, and you don't have a good feeling for time, so you cant tell how long you both sit like this, until he's finally exhausted to the point of simple slumping down, asleep as his body finally gives up. You carefully stand up, letting him somehow softly fall to his side as you struggle to pull his legs up to properly lay o the couch. Walking into the bedroom you retrieve blankets for him and yourself, as you crawl underneath his arm to lay against his chest, underneath the blankets, as you try and think of a way to help him.

You can't get a job. Not only because he won't let you, but because you get sick too easily. You're not allowed by doctors advice to work in any field that requires direct customer contact- and sadly that's all your educational level would allow you to work in. It never bothered Jungkook however, if anything he welcomed it as a good reason for you to stay at home, and at his side at all times. For him however, there were different reasons he didn't have a job. He couldn't keep one, with his short temper making him unfit for any job that required him to handle other people. He was a bomb ready to explode any moment at all times, and it was hard for him to land a job at any interview he somehow got. And nowadays, as word got around, no one simply wanted to employ him; stories of him going off at complaints and always being ready to throw hands made him the talk of the town in terms of who to look out for. He also had a criminal record- which didn't make the situation any easier.

Jeon Jungkook is sick. And it's a serious issue.

You somehow made it another month concerning rent.

With you selling some clothing you made yourself for a reasonable price, you somehow had at least a bit of an income, yet Jungkook didn't really seem like himself these days. He didn't leave the apartment much, and seemed much more grim to everything around him. You somehow thought that maybe he was just in a bad mood- but it seemed like this time things were a bit more serious than that.

"Princess?" He calls, as you rub your hand over the side of your neck, having laid on the couch weirdly as you had been taking a nap recently. You perked up at his call, walking out of the open kitchen to meet his gaze in the living room, his eyes serious as he pats his thighs; an invitation for you to sit down. He likes having you seated on his lap like this; it makes him feel all comfortable, knowing that you're so close to him. "I.." He starts, and visibly struggles with finding the right words for what he wants to say. "I want to get therapy." He states, and its quiet for a moment. You need to process his words for a second, as he never spoke about his issues like this. You never really thought about this option at all, and it makes you feel bad, deep inside, as you now realize that this was something you should've thought about as well, from the start on maybe. But you never wanted him to change for you; making you kick yourself in your thoughts. It never occurred to you that he wasn't changing for you, he didn't need to change for you, he needed to change for himself as well. You simply started to smile, and your arms snaked around his neck as he breathed in your scent, happy that you take this so well. He had struggled with the acceptance of it for a long time, and with you at his side, he knows he can somehow maybe change.

Even if its just a bit.

"I want to be a better man. For me, and mostly for you." He starts, and you attempt to speak, but he smiles, and kisses you instead, successfully shutting you up. "Don't say I don't need to. We know I do." He explains, and you nod. You're curious on why he suddenly realized it, but you decide not to dig too deep, as he currently seems vulnerable enough to you. So you simply let him hold you like this, quietly, calmly, while outside the thunderstorm continues, rain hitting the windows with as much force as the wind sees fit. Its ironic, really. Typically the situation is the opposite.

But somehow it feels like everything is changing, right in that moment. Just a few words have been spoken, but the ones that did make it out were a promise, a vow, a sentence of hope to finally get a hold on the future you both had dreamed about before, tangled in sheets and each others limbs. He's always said he wanted a family, as cheesy as it sounded to him back then, and then he'd laughed about it as if it was a joke. It somehow was, at least during that time it was; how could he be a better father than his if he was just the same? He didn't want his story to take a turn like that, to end up hurting you in the process of his own selfishness just to get what he wanted. No, he wanted something different in his life; he wanted his children to look up to him as a person they could be in awe of not because they were scared, but because they were proud to have them.

Jeon Jungkook is sick. But he's also finally realizing it.

Therapy never goes smoothly from A to point B. It's never a smooth ride, never a straight line connecting the start to the goal. And Jungkook is feeling that as he walks through the door, fuming after an in his eyes pointless session with his therapist. Why the fuck would they want to know about his childhood? That's his business and his own only, it doesn't concern anyone other than himself. Hell, he never even talked to you about it- and he sure as hell won't start chatting away with a stranger like this. He can't control himself as his fist connects with the wall next to the door, drywall cracking underneath the force as you stand in the middle of the living room, looking at him like a deer caught in the headlights. He's disappointed in himself in that moment; he was supposed to get better. He was supposed to have himself in check by now, it was supposed to end; yet here he is, just the same as a month before he started. You try and walk towards him, and he's ready to tell you to turn around and leave him alone, but he doesn't. For some reason, this is not pure anger he's feeling.

It's frustration.

And it leads to his eyes watering, as he lets you hold him close, your warm palms running over his back as best as you can with the height difference, and he simply lets his forehead rest on your shoulder, breathing while you softly count next to his ear. He concentrates and lets go of his emotions all at once, taking his time to feel them before he opens his mind up to letting them go. It sounded stupid to him when he was told that this could help him, but now that he's doing it, he gets why its being taught. It helps. Its like a bandaid being taken off after your cut has heeled. It hurts a bit as its being taken off, but the fresh air on the newly connected skin feels so good that the short sting before is more than worth it.

He sniffles, and you giggle, making him chuckle as well, as he runs a hand over your head, a silent sign that he's okay now. "Try again next week. You're doing so great now, Kookie." You say, and its this small encouragmenent that makes him grin brightly.

Because as you both stand in the kitchen, making homemade pizza for the first time in ages, he feels at ease with his surroundings. He calms down rather quickly even though some things don't go as planned, and laughs more freely at his own mistakes as you smile brightly at him. Sometimes you feel like crying, seeing him change like this, but you're strong enough to hold it in until he leaves during the day. You're still unsure how the future will be changing, still a lot unknown to the both of you, but for now, you'll continue to keep each others heads above the waves with your sewing, while he does his best at getting better. You know he can make it, you're certain he can, and will.

Because Jungkook is sick. But he's finally getting help.

You don't know what has happened when he bursts through the door, uncaring to either take off his shoes nor to close it behind him, as he picks you up, spins you around, grinning so much his eyes crinkle at their sides, and you laugh, even though you don't know why he's so happy. "I got a job! Baby, I finally got a job!" He yells, screams almost, and it makes your eyes water; not because he's taking a huge weight off your shoulder, but because this has been one of his biggest goals ever since he started this journey of getting help. He's so happy about it that this time you can't keep it in, you can't stop the tears as they flow out, making you hiccup and wheep into his shoulder as you struggle to get your words out. "Baby- Princess, hey hey-" He says, setting you down as his hands wipe away at your eyes, the letter confirming his acceptance still in his left hand as he worriedly looks at you. "Why are you crying angel? hm?" He cooes, admittedly a bit amused, because he can imagine what's happening.

"I'm so happy!" You squeeze out, before another wave hits you, and he kneels down, holding you tightly again, as he doesn't let go of you, his love for you overflowing inside his veins as it fills his entire body. He's so thankful for your existence in his life, and he will never be truly able to properly tell you that. It's impossible to put it into his words how much he appreciates you staying at his side through this entire endeavor. Every time he's asked why he does this, his answer is always your name on his lips, always spoken with a slight smile, nowadays a bright grin he's not ashamed showing.

You don't let him go until he chuckles. "Will you let me close the door at least?" He asks amused, as he feels the slightly cool breeze coming inside from the complex' hallway. You disconnect yourself from him for a moment, wiping your eyes with your sleeve as he closes the door, finally taking off his shoes at last, as he walks back, running towards you with a playful growl that makes you laugh as you try and run away from him. But he catches you easily, carrying you over his shoulder into the bedroom, where he bites and licks at your neck, hands pinching your sides making you squirm around and laugh, desperately trying to get away from him. He'll never let you, and you know this, so its unsurprising that he's suddenly pulling your sweater over your head, needing to be close to you. It's cold inside the apartment, and you shiver as the almost icy air around you nips at your skin. "Can't wait until we can use the heating again.." He murmurs against your skin as he shifts around a bit, carefully undressing himself before he crawls underneath the heavy covers with you. "then you can flaunt around in your pretty underwear all day without getting cold." He chuckles, as you hit his chest playfully at the remark. "What? Its always so cold I never get to see you in it." He whines, as he reaches between your legs, inked hand easily working you up as you squirm around. "I never get to see your pretty body properly because we have to hide away like this." He complains, and you simply whine at him, as he suddenly enters you. "For now I'll just warm you up like this, hm?" He humms out, and you nod, not really understanding what you're agreeing to, but you do it anyways.

He's awfully slow and soft, you notice, as he' way more collected as usual. "I love this." He suddenly presses out, eyes closed in bliss as he kisses the side if your neck, trailing down to nip at your collarbone, while his hands find yours, intertwining your fingers in a gesture you can only describe as awfully romantic. "I love being able to make love to you." He explains, as you open your eyes a bit, meeting his as he watches you underneath him. "Though I think you don't mind me being a bit rough with you, no?" He playfully suggests, and your cheeks grow a bit red at that, before he laughs, head dipping down to properly kiss your lips, tongue instantly searching for entrance as he doesn't pick up the pace. "Can't wait until you're all round with my baby." He suddenly suggests, and your eyes open wide as you open your mouth to correct him, but you shut up as his eyes meet yours, determination in them as he suddenly grabs the behind of your thighs, positioning them a bit differently to hit even deeper. "I know, I know-" He chants, as he picks up his pace. "I don't care." He presses out between his own heavy breaths. "I'll just-" He begins, loving the way you mewl under his touch, "I'll just fuck you over and over again until it works." He promises, and you simply nod, unable to deny him. The chances you'll ever conceive are slim- but as he states, never zero. "I'll just- I'll just fill you up until your body can't help but give me a child." He muses, as you start to clench. And he knows, notices, how much this idea is just as enticing to you as it is to him. "You gonna cum? Hm?" He asks, and you nod vigorously before you arch your back off the mattress, making him groan as he shoots his load as well, the visual image of your pleasure underneath him combined with the way you clench his aching length inside granting him his release as well.

As you lay on your sides, all snuggled up underneath the covers after cleaning up, he kisses your bare shoulder, eyes closed. "I mean it, you know." He says, and you humm a reply, before he explains further. "I want a family with you. Someday. When I'm ready." He says, and you nod. You'll somehow make it work, you know this. If he can overcome his demons, you can overcome your own cursed body as well. You deeply hope, at least.

Because Jeon Jungkook is sick, but he's starting to see a future.

"Jeon!" His coworker yells in the big hall he's working in. "Why, pray tell, did you never tell us your girl is that fucking pretty, aye?" He barks in a playful manner, as you walk inside beside the old man, carrying a small plastic bag with what he assumes is a lunchbox. The view of you next to that man stirs something inside him, as he slowly gets up, wrench still in his hand, brows furrowed.

"Because your filthy hands should stay six feet away from her." He responds, with his brows still furrowed, before he finally sneezes.

"Bless you, hah! I'll let you have your break earlier-" The old man winks at you, then gives Jungkook a firm hit against the chest, taking the wrench away from him. "But only because she's cute!" He laughs, as he walks into the hall, Jungkook now walking towards you.

You're proud of him.

Months ago, this would've never been possible; neither the simple fact that he had a job, nor the small incident with his coworker just now. He still got easily irritated, but he worked through these emotions way more easy nowadays. His coworkers and boss know of his past, know what he was like and know that he's still deep in therapy, but they don't judge. They simply accept him, tame him back into his cage whenever he's close to boiling over again. You love the fact that you can walk inside the breakroom with him, eyes sparkling with newfound childish playfulness as he peaks inside the bag you brought him. He's still very careful with you leaving the house, but its not anymore just for his own gain- he's more open to his surroundings, he's starting to think about how he and his actions can affect others. He doesn't care much still; but he's realized that pretending is enough for now. Small steps.

"The handyman was there today." You say, as you watch him dig into the fried rice you brought him, his interest now gained. "They turned on the heating again. Can you imagine? I didn't even know we had floorboard heating!" You exclaimed excitedly, and Jungkooks eyes widen as well.

"Really? I didn't know either. Fuck, can't wait to come home now." He says, swallowing his bite before taking a sip of his canned soda. "Did that label contact you yet?" He asks, and you shake your head. Recently, you had gained the interest of a bigger clothing label, who wanted to collaborate with you for this season's designs. "Ah, that takes time I guess. We'll wait, its fine." You know he's not only saying that for you, but himself as well. He still gets agitated over small things, but he deals with them a bit more easily. "I'll be home in a couple hours. Do you wanna wait here, or go home?" He asks, and you stand up, packing his now empty food container as you smile.

"I'll take the bus, don't worry." You say, and he furrows his brows playfully.

"Mask?" He asks, and you hold it up proudly, well aware of the precautions you need to take to make public transport safe for you.

"Good girl. Text me when you're home yeah? I'll get us takeout for dinner." He says, as he kisses the top of your head. You nod, and wave him goodbye as you two go separate ways, at least for now, until he's finally free of work.

Jeon Jungkook is sick.

But he's slowly healing.

[vizowrites]

“We” vs “Me”| or “Why BlitzStrike Works So Well For Me But Stolitz [as of episode 6].....Doesn’t”

Alright my Loves, so I said that I was going to talk in further detail about my feelings regarding Stolas and the multi-layered portrayal of his relationship with Blitz in the new episode, and today’s the day where that happens!!  First of all, though, before I really get into my feelings about things, I want to just make it ABUNDANTLY clear that I’m not trying to sway anyone from one side to the other, or trying to shame anyone for shipping two fictional characters.  I’m fully in the boat that you are completely entitled to ship whoever you want, but I also think it’s wise to at least be able to recognize the faults and flaws in a pairing--and especially to be able to recognize them in the context of an IRL relationship.  In this analysis in particular, I’m specifically focusing on these two relationships within the realm of the Helluva Boss universe [......Hell] and within the specific context of their characters as they’ve been portrayed in the show thus far.  And, my biggest disclaimer of all: I’m doing this for no other reason than I felt like putting my jumbled thoughts together into a cohesive post so that they don’t have to stay bouncing and buzzing around in my head.  Please keep that in mind that this is just pure personal opinion and interpretation before anyone comes at me with torches and pitchforks.  <3 <3 

SO WITH THAT LONG ASS DISCLAIMER OUT OF THE WAY 

Let’s finally get to the good stuff.  And the not so good stuff.  :D

So I don’t think it’s a surprise to anyone who follows me here that I’m a huge BlitzStrike fan.  What I think fewer people know is that when I first entered the fandom a few months ago, I actually was on board the Stolitz train like so many others that I’ve met here in the fandom.  Naturally Stolitz was the first major pairing I was introduced to, and I did find both the characters of Blitz and Stolas incredibly interesting and compelling in their own rights AND saw the potential in how they could really come to grow into one hell of a relationshp over time.  I was honestly really excited to see it happen, too.  

And then I watched Episode 5 [still my favorite episode, btw] for the first time and had this sudden question hit me like a truck that even now is still relentlessly burning in the back of my mind because I still haven’t found a legitimate answer for it: Why in the FUCK wasn’t Blitz falling head-over-heels in attraction to Striker throughout this fucking episode??

And I don’t mean that in a “They’re so hot and I ship them now why didn’t they get together?? DX DX” kind of way--I mean that in the genuinely perplexed “I don’t understand based on what has been presented to me thus far about Blitz as a character and the storyline overall why he’s reacting so nonchalantly to this whole thing”.  To Note: This is me wondering this from the context of what’s in the show itself, not from any extra fan materials like the Instas or Twitter or just straight up knowing that the most likely answer is that there are people on the creative team that ship Stolitz really hard and realistically wouldn’t have probably written Blitz as being attracted to Striker because that would just be--to quote Jack Sparrow--blowing holes in their own ship.  No, this is me disregarding ALL of that and trying to rationalize this with myself from the perspective of a fan whose entire knowledge of the show and its characters comes exclusively from what’s in the episodes themselves.  .....And that’s where I just can’t find my answer, except for the Stolitz positive “He’s not attracted to Striker because he’s in love with Stolas” answer.  Which really doesn’t even feel like a satisfying answer, because the entire vibe I’ve gotten from Stolitz in the show has just felt.....strangely.....off.  Like, the framework is there and the elements are there, but I’d felt as though they had so far to go still that it would be entire SEASONS before they got there.    

And THEN the new episode [Episode 6] came out and I’d heard a handful of fans going crazy because the show was finally addressing Stolitz in full, and I thought to myself, “Well, maybe if the show really is going to go with saying that the reason Blitz wasn’t interested in Striker is because he’s in love with Stolas.....sure.  I’m curious to see how they finally establish it in an episode, especially since there’s only two more episodes left in the entire first season.”  And then I watched the episode.  And then it hit me why Stolitz just does not do a damn thing for me but BlitzStrike does despite the fact that we’ve had 4/6 episodes [5/7 if you count the Pilot] of Stolitz but only 1/6 [1/7] of potential--not even canonical--BlitzStrike:

When Striker talks about Blitz, or interacts with Blitz, he always talks about them as a “we”.  As a team.  A partnership.  OR he just straight up puts the entire focus on Blitz and his accomplishments and keeps himself out of it entirely.

When Stolas talks about Blitz, he always talks about them within the context of “me”--of himself--of what Blitz does or should do for him.  Even here in episode 6, in the most “selfless” instance we’ve seen yet, where he does ask about Blitz’s safety first BEFORE going right back into how Blitz’s actions affect him and what Blitz should be doing in response for him.  Stolas’s focus is always automatically set to himself--and even when it comes to the people he supposedly loves the most.  

To explain what I mean here, let me give some examples directly from the show itself, starting with the Stolas side of things: 

Episode 1

Blitz, in the middle of trying to hide so much that he actually clamps both of his hands over his mouth just to muffle the sound of his own breathing, knowing damn well that this psychotic bitch who already shot him once won’t hesitate to do it again if she finds him.....gets a call from Stolas.  Stolas, who we clearly see from his leisurely hang out time in his bubble bath, is literally watching this happen and is fully aware that calling Blitz right then was potentially putting him in danger. But what does he say when he gets Blitz on the phone?  He offers--not help--but Blitz the use of his book in exchange for monthly sex.  Stolas literally uses Blitz’s peril as leverage here--consciously or not, though given the fact that he knows the situation at hand, I’d find it very hard to argue that he didn’t do this on purpose--just to get him to agree to be his bootycall until further notice.  

Stolas not only doesn’t lift a finger to help Blitz once in all of this--even at the moment where he and Millie are about to be shot in the face--but instead continues to stay on the phone talking about all of the things he wants for their upcoming future rendezvous.  He already got exactly what he wanted out of this and he still just continues to go for more for himself.

Episode 2

.....There are honestly so many fucked up things that happen here as far as Stolas and his relationship with Blitz goes but honestly the thing I want to draw the MOST attention to is actually Stolas’s storyline with his daughter, Octavia.  I know it’s a little left field, but bear with me--this is actually something I want to use as comparison for Stolas’s relationship to Blitz as we go along:

When Stolas first decides that he’s going to take his daughter to Loo Loo Land, he does so while completey setting aside the fact that she doesn’t want to go.  He just offers her assurances that it’s going to be so much fun because he remembers that she loved it so much when she was a little girl--effectively putting his memory above her wishes even as she’s sitting right there and telling him that she doesn’t enjoy the idea of going now.  

Stolas doesn’t actually notice just how uncomfortable he’s making Octavia throuhought their entire trip by spending his time sexually harassing paying more attention to Blitz than he is trying to cheer her up.  This tells me that Stolas--though I do believe he genuinely wanted to do something to make her happy--still wasn’t able to completely overcome his own self-centered tendencies at first even when it’s for her.  And this is the person that Stolas loves more than anyone or anything else in the entire world. It still wasn’t enough.

It’s only when Octavia runs off and completely breaks down that Stolas finally gets the much needed slap-to-the-face of reality to understand just what he’s putting his daughter through--and, for the first time in the entire show, he actually puts someone else’s needs and well being above himself.  It’s the one solid honest display of love that we see from Stolas in the entire show--and it’s how we as the audience come to learn that that’s how Stolas shows that he loves someone: When he puts their needs above his own with no strings attached or expectations of something in return.  A true selfless act just because he loves them.  **Keep in mind the parallel of Stolas carrying Octavia out of Loo Loo Land at the end, and how it compares to Stolas carrying Blitz out of D.H.O.R.K.S headquarters.

Episode 5

The. Fucking. Cigarette.  I had no idea that something so small and quick would be able to infuriate me as much as it did, but the fact that Blitz used the post sex cigarette to free Stolas from his wrist bondage but then Stolas turned around and put the cigarette out on Blitz’s horn which is literally a part of Blitz’s body just.....honestly it sums up exactly what I’m trying to get across in this entire huge ass post: Stolas only ever thinks of himself first and anything pertaining to anyone else just doesn’t cross his mind at all unless you blatantly put it there in front of his face.  And the fact that he’s still at this point with Blitz all the way here in Episode 5 is not.....promising for their relationship.

The fact that Stolas literally cannot stop himself from calling Blitz “Blitzy” or talking to him in such a condescending way no matter how frustrated Blitz gets and how many times he asks him to stop.  I just--how is that supposed to be interpreted as someone talking to a person that they love?  There’s no respect or dignity given to Blitz at all on Stolas’s part, and the fact that it seems to be presented as a “Oh teehee it’s just their cute couple thing” is just.....I really, really don’t like that.  It also doesn’t match with the Stolas in the very next episode which I quite frankly think is because the creators have been listening to the feedback from fans and were like “We need to SHOW THEM that Stolas actually does speak to Blitz respectfully!!” but that’s just my personal opinion there and, also, it still didn’t happen.  

Episode 6 

Keeping in mind that THIS is finally the episode where we see Stolas actually save Blitz from danger and demonstrate even the slightest inclination towards his well-being.....I think that honestly makes the next few things here even more fucked up

First and foremost: “WE”.  The second after Stolas asks if Blitz is alright and gets the assurance that he is, he roughly grabs his cheek and points out that “If you get in trouble, I get in trouble!  WE don’t want that”.  The fact that this is the first time that Stolas ever talks about Blitz in the context of “we”--when really what he’s really saying is that him [Stolas] getting in trouble is going to be a bad thing for all of them--is just.....so, so disappointing.  At least with this I could hope that perhaps the idea here is that Stolas is genuinely afraid that if he gets in trouble, he won’t be able to protect Blitz from the undoubtedly much worse trouble that he would be in as an imp, but still.  The fact that Stolas immediately reverts back to his self-centered perspective so quickly after supposedly being so worried about Blitz’s wellbeing, really makes it seem as though it’s just his own ass that he’s trying to protect.  And that.....isn’t  exactly what I’d been expecting from “the episode that confirms Stolitz is canon” feedback I’d been hearing.

"Am I going to get ANY thank you for the rescue Bltizy?”  This for me was kind of what actually lead to me having this whole epiphany over Stolas’s selfish perspective in the first place.  I realized that even here--even when he’s just been the most “romantic” towards Blitz that he’s ever been in any previous episodes up until now [and yes this shift in his character was incredibly jarring for me because of that]--Stolas still goes right back to thinking about what he’s going to get out of this now that he knows Blitz is safe.  Let’s take this back to that thing I was saying about Episode 2 and comparing how Stolas rescued Octavia and how he rescues Blitz.  Obviously they’re going to be different because it’s Stolas’s daughter vs his hook up BUT just think about where the focus is for Stolas in both of these scenes.  With Octavia, Stolas is entirely focused on making things up to her--taking her to do something she wants to do--even if it’s something that he himself doesn’t fully understand or isn’t fully into.  That doesn’t matter though, because the entire point is that he’s doing something just for her.  It doesn’t have to be about him.  But now go back to the scene where Stolas is carrying Blitz out of the room.  What does he do?  Ask what Blitz is going to do for him.  That just takes the idea that this scene was a confirmation of their love and throws it right out the window.  Stolas--as we’ve been shown before--would never ask for something in return from someone that he actually loves.  

Now let’s take a look at the one and only episode we have of Striker and Blitz interacting together, with an honorary shout out at hallucination!Striker’s appearance in Episode 6: 

Episode 5: 

Striker knows Blitz’s name.....and he uses it.  He’s literally the ONLY other character that we’ve seen so far refer to Blitz as “Blitz” instead of “Blitzo” or “Blitzy” by someone who wasn’t a member of I.M.P..  Aka someone who wasn’t a member of Blitz’s family.  He shows Blitz respect at that basest level, and only builds on that from there going forward.

Striker first recognizes Blitz for being “the bold imp that started his own killin’ biz”.  Not his hotness, not his skills in the Harvest Moon games because at that point he hasn’t seen them yet.....but for his accomplishment in starting up his own successful business down in Hell.  He treats it as an accomplishment.  With the kind of respect that comes with acknowledging another person for their accomplishments.  Right there, within two seconds of meeting him, Striker demonstrates more respect for Blitz than Stolas has yet to do in the entire show.

The Harvest Moon Festival Games.  Now this is something I find fascinating to think about from Striker’s perspective in particular.  We as the audience are shown pretty early on that Striker has a strong desire to be the one who comes out on top.  He likes the idea of being superior and he openly relishes in the praise and attention he gets for being better than everybody else.  ....Except Blitz.  When they tie in the games, Striker doesn’t seem bothered with sharing the spotlight with him at all.  If anything, he--again--respects just how skilled Blitz is in rightfully earning his place beside him on the stage.  That, to me, is HUGE.  I’m not going to go so far as to say that Striker necessarily sees them as equals because I think that might be going a bit too far for his ego but he does still fully acknowledge that Blitz is in the same general class as him: that is to say, better than most.  Worthy of the same kind of acknowledgement and praise that Striker gets.  I literally can’t get over just how big of a thing that is for what we’ve been shown of Striker’s character, and I think it’s unfortunately something that’s incredibly easy to miss or gloss over. :(

And now--for what I personally think is the most significant thing of all--we have: “We”.  How many times does Striker suggest during that final scene between them that he really wants Blitz to join forces with him as equals?  He never demands that Blitz join up with him, he doesn’t threaten him into joining up with him--Striker barely even hurts Blitz at all during their fight scene compared to how he tried to straight up murder Moxxie--and, most of all, Striker continues to acknowledge that Blitz deserves better than his current arrangement with Stolas.  And he’s right.  But instead of putting it as “I’M right and this is why you should do this”, he always puts his focus on Blitz himself, or the two of them together as a partnership:  “You are so above sucking on a a digusting rich pompous Goetia” | “We could be the most dangerous beings in Hell, Blitz” | “You could partner up with me and klll the unkillable--starting with the one that treats you like a plaything”.  It’s just--I honestly can’t believe it’s taken me this long to put together why Striker appeals so much more to me as a romantic interest for Blitz, but really breaking it down episode by episode and comparing the differences in wording between Striker and Stolas’s dialogue when it comes to Blitz is just.....holy shit. 

Honorary ShoutOut of Episode 6: 

The fact that the only thing hallucination Striker has to say to him is “But you don’t want to do things alone Blitzo!” is really, really interesting to me in the fact that he’s.....not......wrong??  Like, To be fair, Striker, RoboFizz, and Verosika all spill their harsh truths, but the thing is.....Striker’s is markedly different in that his wording really isn’t harsh or aggressive at all the way the other two are.  He’s just kinda stating a fact in an overexaggerated way because tripping balls hallucination sequence.  It’s very interesting to me that that’s the worst that Blitz can imagine him to say--as well as the fact that halluci!Striker calls him “Blitzo”, which is really weird considering that Striker’s never called him “Blitzo” once in the entire show.  Makes me kinda wonder where that came from tbh. 

Alright so, in conclusion of this very long and rambly styie post: I want to take things back to where I started by reiterating that this is not me trying to convince anyone that BlitzStrike is “right” and Stolitz is “wrong”, or that you should stop shipping what you’re shipping in the fandom.  This was just me honestly getting way more excited than I should’ve been over having my “Eureka!” moment for realizing why this new episode didn’t put me back on the Stolitz train like it did for so many other people--and why, in fact, it actually made me think even more favorably of the idea of Blitz and Striker being together.  

Thanks for sticking around with me for this very long read, I hope you found it interesting, and I really really hope that it didn’t piss anyone off or rub too many people the wrong way.  Like I said at the beginning, ship who you want to ship!!  That’s part of the fun of being in a fandom.  I’m just hoping that this might help make it easier to understand at least one perspective on why Stolitz is seen as being so problematic as a ship [as of where they are right now].  

Here’s to seeing where things go from here!! 

[gothicprep]

Meditations on True Crime: A Very Long Post

In around February of this year, I was researching a potential video related to how true crime media portrays websleuths, contrasted against their efficacy in each specific case. The introduction was a brief primer on the genre’s evolution, beginning with its general association with low-budget LifeTime films, to a hobby with more dignity than that. I remember finding an article talking about Serial, and there was some commentary in there from another large true crime podcast host.

I didn’t think it was particularly useful for my purposes, but it said something to the effect of “true crime as a hobby can help women reconcile the trauma related to being in a world that is so hostile to us.” I rolled my eyes at it. It seemed dishonestly saccharine, like it was giving a sort of post-hoc legitimacy to just enjoying whodunnits. I didn’t think about it again for around seven months after I’d read it.

One of the subjects that I intended to talk about was Elisa Lam’s death and the online reaction to it. The story was adapted into a Netflix series a few months prior, and I was freshly reminded of how poorly it all sat with me. If you aren’t familiar with her name, she disappeared in Los Angeles’s Cecil Hotel in 2013, and her disappearance went viral after the respective police department release footage of her behaving strangely in an elevator. The case attained quick viral status and extensive discussion, due to the nature of the video and the hotel’s morbid history. When her naked body was discovered in a rooftop water tank a few weeks later, speculation exploded. But an autopsy isn’t an immediate followup, and the online sleuths would lose themselves to their imaginations in the time between. Many people wanted the murder solved, but many let their speculation fly off the rails. Shady hotel coverups. Metal musician murderers. Fear of the homeless. Ghosts. Demons. Government tuberculosis research. The gang was all there.

If you weren’t active online back then, it’s difficult to properly convey how huge this all was. Everyone was expecting Elisa to have been murdered. Iron-clad. Beyond the shadow of a doubt. She wasn’t. Her death was ruled an accident. She had a severe case of bipolar disorder and she wasn’t taking her medication. The severity of her illness was also not previously disclosed to the public. The working theory is that she experienced a manic episode with psychotic features, climbed in the tank in this state, to eventually strip out of her clothes in late stage hypothermia and drown there. It’s a horrific and painful way to die. All that’s left of you is water contamination – insult to fatal injury.

People weren’t happy with this, but not out of any sympathy for Elisa. There was palpable rage from many who had been following the case. No, she was definitely murdered. No, her killer needs to be brought to justice. No, this isn’t the real story. I don’t like it. I’m not satisfied. There needs to be an ending better than this.

Tragedy isn’t exactly in the habit of being kind to us.

When news of Gabby Petito’s disappearance was spreading, I noticed a lot of similarities between hers and Elisa’s. A woman in her early 20s vanishes while traveling, under very unusual circumstances. Footage was released during both investigations, which portrayed these women in mentally vulnerable states. The story was viral online. People rifled through Gabby’s instagram in the same way they did with Elisa’s tumblr. Social media detectives established an inappropriate amount of investment. Everyone is sure of a specific outcome. The family deserves answers.

Let’s talk about answers for a second. I’d like you to spitball a comprehensive explanation for this one: how could something like this happen? I’m not looking for a “how” in terms of events or circumstances. In this case, this isn’t a question. It’s a protest of the unfairness of it all. My daughter. My sister. My friend. Someone who meant so much to me. It’s a prayer to a vacant sky. It’s not a question, it’s agony. Nothing shy of resurrection can feel like justice. Even if the case leads to a criminal trial and conviction, it does nothing to fill the void loss burns within us. There is no good answer, because there aren’t answers at all.

Let’s talk about ourselves for a second. I noticed many people draw parallels between what they’d seen on the bodycam footage and their own experience with abusive partners. “This could have been me.” Do you really think this is appropriate? Could have been, would have been – these are statements with hypothetical validity. It has nothing to do with you. To emotionally identify with someone does not evidence anything. You’re here. She’s gone. This isn’t about you. She isn’t in the position where she can co-sign anything you say. If she can’t speak for herself, don’t invoke her.

Let’s talk about true crime for a second. It’s funny how true crime marketed to men has a distinctly different texture than true crime marketed to women. The former seems to involve knocking the perpetrator down a peg. It portrays them as something worth our disgust and ridicule. The latter tends to foster emotional identification with the victim. Podcasts and other media in this category tend to be by women, for women, and generally discuss women. This story is presented as catharsis for women who see themselves as similar to them. This woman is no longer a person, but an idea. And it makes me think of that stupid article quote that I resent myself for not having bookmarked. This is reconciliation. These women, in their passing, can be a motivating factor for us to break up with that one dumbass guy. I’m so happy this was a wakeup call. I’m so happy that this made me think about my own experiences. I’m so happy that this did so much for me. Sure, someone actually died, but what is that when compared to my own self-actualization?

I made a comment on Twitter about how disgusted I was with how people spoke of Gabby in such an evasively self-interested way, and someone who likely was of no relation to her interjected with how the family deserved the truth. Truth? What truth? What peace will grisly details give them? Is there any meaningful difference between knowing your loved one died of murder or collapsed from exposure? Or are you just a nosey person who’s projected an inappropriate emotional dog in this fight? Do you want answers for her family, or for your own curiosity?

I really don’t trust shit like that, nor am I willing to give leniency to people who say such things. I think we’ve been conditioned to relate to dead women in a way that’s completely separate from who they actually were. Alive, they’re deep, multifaceted individuals, with an array of likes, dislikes, quirks, and endless little details. Dead, they’re a concept to serve a purpose. The purpose is generally a form of narrative catharsis. The creep gets thrown in prison. A woman’s abusive partner gets the comeuppance he deserves. The story needs a good ending. The story needs an ending that satisfies me. People aren’t stories. Life is not a novel.

The real trauma of others will never belong to you. This not your therapy tool or plaything. This is real pain that will never be theoretical for plenty of people. Know your place. Keep your distance. Don’t objectify the dead.

[nissakii]

Significance of “Madness” in anime

We’ve already established in other posts about significant emotions and concepts in anime or specific media before. The Significance of losing or the one of visuals and metaphors in Haikyuu!! are some of those I would love to mention here, but today we shall delve into a broader topic that goes more along the lines of Makii’s thrilling post about Danganronpa and the Significance of Despair.

Today, our topic of interest is madness.

To ease your mind, in this post we will be talking about the representation of insanity and madness in some anime characters and how that reflects on the story and ourselves as an audience.To make one thing clear, a lot of the times we see overexaggerated versions of unstable characteristics in anime that aren’t realistic.

This is in no way a discussion about actual mental illnesses and not a professional approach to analysing them to our real life standards, but maybe a start to an interesting discussion about how we portray and handle what one may colloquially call “craziness”.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s start!

Artists, and no matter for example if they write or draw, use their platforms to deliver messages in cryptic ways. As humans, we have the innate ability to look at something and consume the facts through entertainment which makes us crave new media to follow and analyse.

We love to question things instead of just taking them as they are, and that is why most writers out there will play around with the perception of their audience.

You may be familiar with the common question that ghosts through your head as you enjoy the latest episode of your favorite anime.

Why did he do that? Is she a traitor? What makes them think that way?

Although one might always do it consciously, we most definitely analyse whatever media we consume and decide for ourselves if it is important enough to keep in mind for future reference.

What the writer or founder of the anime ultimately wants from the reader is a reaction.

No matter what they intend to do with it, if they enjoy the viewer getting excited or traumatised is not of importance, but a reaction is evidently one of the goals. 

And as strong emotions always evoke an even stronger reaction, anime characters are often very idealized and have ideologies that make them want to do one particular thing.

Be it save the world or destroy it, we focus and look at these characters and root for them if they give us a reason to do so. 

Both sides of good and bad can have deeply rooted admiration drawn out of us, and it sometimes doesn’t even matter because the more interesting part is the lovely grey area in between. 

We need a balance of good and bad to enjoy both.

Empathy makes us viewers want to relate to the characters, and if the author gives us the possibility to learn why someone does something, it gets harder and harder to dislike them. That’s why tragic backstories and flashbacks are such an overused tool in anime, because with the extreme behaviour some characters show they also need equal amounts of redemption.

We attach ourselves emotionally to characters depending on our personal tastes as well.

If someone likes and relates to a strong and independent protagonist who would drop anything for the sake of justice, you will find a lot of resembling characters in shounen for example.

On the other hand, if a darker or more obsessive character manages to take over a special place in a viewer’s heart, putting them on a pedestal gets more and more interesting, because you’re not supposed to.

Contrary to that, characters with insane or dark personality traits are often very popular, again tracing this back to human instinct of emphasising with wronged characters and curiously inspecting the fully deranged ones.

As this isn't something that should be put into vague concepts, we’re instead going to look at examples of characters and entities that are seen as ‘mad’ and how they’re interpreted.

It’s not just about villains being unreasonably immoral in this post, as we look into what madness entails and how it's shown, we also have some examples of corruption to look at.

So of course there are the typical evil-thinking evil-doing villains out there. 

Some of them have an actual backstory to make them more realistic and believable, some others are just pure evil. While they are often called mad for their actions to achieve their goal, the reason why they are put into that light is the stark contrast between the protagonist and the villain.

If the protagonist loves to save people and always has a smile on his face, of course he will differ from his counterpart when he finds out that his methods are a bit more vicious.

The protagonist perceives the villain as insane most of the time, but what does the viewer think?

We seek to look not only at characters that are enjoyable to watch, but also try to find similarities between us and them or draw lines in their behavior to understand them better. As mentioned before, empathy plays a huge role here as well, since whatever happens in anime doesn't have actual repercussions, we can forgive characters more easily. 

For example when they are taken by Insanity as a side effect rather than being insane due to trauma, we often get an 'ally turned traitor' trope through hypnosis or brainwashing, which is just as interesting to look at. 

If a person did something horrible under the influence of something they had no control over, are they still to blame? 

Does Insanity only involve a separate entity that comes from evil, or are we also looking at the gradual descent into darkness when life just isn't the same anymore? 

Insane and with no fear: Soul Eater

A great example of how insanity plays with characters be they good or bad is Soul Eater. 

With a premise that one needs a sound mind and body to inhibit a sound soul, we obviously know that people close to becoming Kishin-eggs will have a rotten soul drenched in bad deeds, but what about the good guys? 

In this instance we have a lot of different types of madness and insanity that touches multiple characters at different times, and by far the most drastic would be the black blood. 

The black blood being a synthesized weapon form of blood that can change form and harden into shape, is a weapon made by Medusa and introduced for the first time with Crona. He was melded together with Ragnarök as a weapon and used the black blood in his proficient fighting style. 

Soul Eater as well as Maka and other characters later come into contact with the black blood, and the consequence of the immense strength that comes with it is debilitating madness. 

As explained in the anime, the madness makes one deny the soul of oneself and others and takes away your fear. Now with no fear present, the person exhibits extremely erratic behavior and is not scared to hurt others or themselves.

This is an insanity that shows how essential a person's fear is, shown by Maka in one of the latest episodes when she fights Asura. The fact that she learned how to accept her own fear and realise that humans need it to survive is why insanity in Soul Eater is merely a concept to differentiate between what is human and what is Kishin. 

A Kishin kills and murders with no fear of anything. 

A human protects and masters one's own fear. 

The power hungry insanity: Hunter x Hunter

In Hunter x Hunter we have a lot of characters that don't exactly fit the norm of human action. 

With people like Chrollo, Illumi and even Chimera Ants there is enough crazy to go around. 

Still, the character we shall delve into to look at a different kind of instability is none other than Hisoka Morow.

Yes, in comparison to black blood madness Hisoka is an actual human being with no known influence outside of his own intellect. The contrary to another weapon or entity making someone insane is being shown in this anime.

Hisoka is just insane. 

We have no means to see if there is anything that might have caused Hisoka to be the way that he is, but what we do know is that his character is almost too nonchalant for his own good. 

His goal is to accumulate power and fight others that he seems worthy, as that is what attracts him. No person is spared if he believes he found a worthy opponent he will make that clear to them and pursue them passionately. 

We could rule that the clown is just eccentric, but with the given information from the anime he definitely had some sort of mental difference next to his peers. Harming himself holds no problem to him, and his behavior is deeply rooted only to suit himself. He has no self-preservation except for when he needs to accomplish something, and he even enters the spiders just to get close to Chrollo. 

Now we see a single person carry themselves throughout a story only to achieve one thing: a good fight. 

After having looked at these two examples of insanity in anime, let's look at how that insanity can be portrayed visually. 

A famous way to show someone's psychosis is the “Kubrick stare”. A directorial technique that got named after the director Stanley Kubrick who used a forward tilt of the head with eyes locked onto the camera to show the actors of his movies at their peak of madness. It became a very popular stylistic device and is used still very often in modern movies.

The character is supposed to look menacing, evil-plotting and absolutely unhinged.

Such devices, if used often enough, automatically invoke the message to the viewer.

If you’ve seen the Kubrick stare once in a psychotic character, you will definitely associate it with the same derangement again.

In anime we have a similar thing, and you might be aware of this already.

Familiar with the ‘eye angle just before a character goes insane’ meme?

It’s a running gag that shows multiple characters such as Asura from Soul Eater, Pain from Naruto, Light from Deathnote and Jason from Tokyo Ghoul in a frame where you can only see their eyes and it somehow looks extremely grotesque as if they were looking into different directions with their eyes.

As much as it is a joke, it is a perfect example of something extremely similar to the Kubrick stare used in anime culture. It goes so far that if any anime watcher would see a new character look like in a frame, one would assume they were about to go crazy.

Even Oikawa Tooru from Haikyuu!! was shown with a Kubrick stare in the last moments of the second Seijoh vs. Karasuno game, when his desire to win overtook him with incredible force.

Without loss there naturally can’t be any wins, and without sadness there will be no joy in laughter.

We need the different depictions of what one might call madness, to fill our stories with nuance that relies on our reality.

Be it an unknown entity, hunger for power, lack of fear or the good old fashioned thrive for world domination.

Madness is just another part of what we call life, and to be honest in healthy doses and for effect why not enjoy it in anime?

Now, do you guys know any other characters or concepts in anime that would be worth mentioning? I would love to see them in the comments! 

Until then, stay sane!

-Nissa