#i think he would have a mental breakdown
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on a completely separate note; shizun luo binghe with a disciple shen yuan who fell into the abyss??? *thinks about LBH canonically stealing SQQ's corpse for 5 years* he'd hallucinate i think. like, like visual and audial hallucinations.
Keeps thinking he's seeing SQQ in the corner of his eyes, or wandering between the trees, amongst a group of disciples. Thinks he hears him calling for him, but its just the wind or another disciple.
Gets Xiu Ya reforged but patently fucking refuses to make a sword mound. Because his disciple Is Not Dead :))) There was No Body. He's Not Dead. And If You keep Insisting That He Is, He's Gonna Skewer You :). He's holding onto Xiu Ya so he can return his most favored disciple's sword when he returns. It's on his hip right next to Zheng Yang where it's supposed to be.
Also this motherfucker?? does not sleep btw. He has the image of SQQ, wide eyed and hysterical and standing at the mouth of the abyss burned into his fucking eyelids. Can't use the dreamscape to escape it either because he keeps trying to save him and either he does and it's an incredibly cruel trick to wake up to, or he doesn't and he gets his heart broken in several different pieces again.
There is no convincing this man that Shen Qingqiu is dead. Absolutely nothing at all. He is buried so deep in denial that moles would be jealous of how deep he is. He keeps making tea for two in the bamboo house only to remember that it's just him. SQQ's fans are hiding everywhere, little reminders of his presence. He goes to wake up SQQ on the mornings he sleeps in-- only to find the room empty.
#svsss#luo binghe#svsss au#scum villain#scum villian self saving system#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#disciple shen yuan#lbh. visibly exhausted and with twitchy eyes: im fine :) | everyone else: ho no the fuck you ARENT.#SQQ was hysterical not because he found out LBH was half-demon but bc he was having a long-awaited mental breakdown over his autonomy :)#or (limited) lack thereof. he was having a sudden onset crisis of mortality and was handling at quite literally the WORST time. oops#im thinking very hard that LBH would never push his disciple into the abyss especially with no system to force him to. so SQQ either#had to goad him into it (failing always) or throw himself in. he ended up doing it himself but not before some very impressive hysterics.#BUT ALSO. IF THIS HAD BEEN WHERE SQQ WAS THE HALF-HEAVENLY DEMON INSTEAD IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO GREAT.#and by great i mean horribly angsty bc SQQ is NOT doing too hot and has. in very SY-like fashion. convinced himself that LBH will kill him#when he finds out he's a demon. so when it comes out i have this mental image of him lunging at LBH and LBH flinches back. but SQQ wraps hi#hands around the blade of Zheng Yang and yanks it up so the tip of the blade is digging into his chest where is heart is. LBH can't yank th#sword away without risking slicing into SQQ's hands. SQQ's hair has fallen out of its tail/bun and is now messily spilling down his#back and its NO helping the kinda deranged look he has going on. he's visibly shaking and his eyes keep flittering away and back at LBH's#face. SQQ is looking at the messages from the system warning him that he has to go into the abyss or punishment will occur. he's like.#rambling though. talking about how shizun doesn't *like* unclean things and there is nothing more unclean than a demon. like he is#INSISTING. LBH can't?? get a fucking word in. actually. SY isn't listening that much either anyways. too overwhelmed with the system and#the amount of stress he's under and his crumbling mental state and the innate and primal desire to live even when he's standing in front of#his own executioner. it all ends with him sitting on the ground at the lip of the abyss with his hair falling in his face. he looks so#unkempt and fallen apart and so distinctly *non-Shen Qingqiu* that LBH feels physically ill over it. tears are streaming down SQQ's face#and despite everything he is smiling. its not a nice smile. its a very frayed falling apart at the seams about to crack smile.#he tells shizun not to worry about staining his blade with this disciple's filthy blood because this disciple will take care of it himself.#and then he falls into the abyss before luo binghe can so much as grab him. the only reason LBh doesn't literally jump in after him is bc#he was numb with shock and the abyss was already closed before he could feel his legs again :]
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Ghost Cora AU where he’s actually been following Law around ever since he died but nobody has been able to see him, so all he’s able to do is watch Law get hurt and suffer in silence. UNTIL, miraculously, the battle of Dressrosa ends, and for some strange reason—through some supernatural bullshit or maybe just fate—one person is finally able to see him.
Law is sitting on the deck of the Yonta Maria watching everyone party when Luffy comes trotting over to him. And Luffy plops down beside him and says, “I’ve been meaning to ask, Torao, but who’s that really tall blonde guy with the funny makeup that’s been following you around?”
And Law’s just like
#Meanwhile Cora is absolutely THRILLED. LMAO#Eventually Zoro calls Perona over and since her devil fruit power deals with ghosts. She makes it so that Law can see Cora too#(And by some bs he’ll probably be brought back to life somehow idk)#One Piece#Trafalgar Law#Donquixote Rosinante#Cora#Corazon#Luffy#Law: Ha. Haha.#Law: You’re shitting me right.#Luffy: ??? What? No?#Cora: LAWWWWWW 😭😭😭#Luffy: He’s crying your name this guy CLEARLY knows you Torao#Law; having a mental breakdown: Uh. Uh-huh???#Shima speaks#Sorry I’m coping. I’m coping really hard rn#Actually. I feel like I was more upset about Cora’s death than Ace’s. WHICH LIKE. YOU’D THINK IT WOULD BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND BUT#I’m very. Very weak for the unsuspecting father figure who dies trope#(Sideeyes Tony and Harry (who didn’t even die anyway but it was still Traumatic for Eggsy to watch))#COUGHS
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Peeped the horrors
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#a-qing#xue yang#A-qing went 'there are horrors he is committing and I am going to peep them' and then faced horrors that she could not fathom#The fact she sees the evidence first hand but it genuinely is too much to handle is a lovely tragedy that betrays her youth#It is interesting that she clearly does have more knowledge than the lay person about cultivators and night hunts (possibly from xxc?)#she does mentally call out xue yang for using the right terminology (betraying his 'no one important' façade)#but corpse poisoning is...well....probably not something she could have known about#so instead she has to encounter this horrible and suspicious event and justify it to keep herself sane#Ah....that's not going into the really interesting ambiguity of xue yangs targets#the people he kills specifically slandered *all three of them*#Was it just for himself? Was there a sense of protectiveness over his two blind companions?#I don't want an answer. I love that it is ambiguous#And oh man. having the noble XXC do the killing is so deviously evil. What a loaded chekov's gun.#you know xxc is gonna have a breakdown over it *when* he finds out. Its all a matter of timing#ok ok funny tag time#I think little apple and xy should meet up so they can swap arson tips. Truly the power team nobody wants. Not even them.#they would fight to the death and little apple would *win*#EDIT: HAPPY BIRTHDAY XUE YANG
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:( its sad nobody does aus where izuna comes around on the concept of the village and then madara still eventually leaves it and izuna stays behind. like izuna is famously stubborn so i think if you've written him as actually being convinced that Konoha is worth it, he'll stick it out to an insane degree. that includes staying even if madara leaves.
i could imagine him becoming the second hokage, partially out of people respecting his commitment to the cause after his brother abandoned it. honestly you could even get interesting with tobirama in this version of it because you have a lot of canon paths to go down with this. Izuna picking Konoha over Madara would firmly place him in the same mental space as Itachi or Kagami to Tobirama ("he chose the village over X and thus is a wonderful shinobi who i respect") leading to an overly respectful tobirama, which would completely alter his legacy. like you as the reader might know hes kind of insane about the uchiha but the village would just see him dutifully supporting an uchiha hokage.
Alternatively Tobirama's deep seated issues with Izuna specifically could make it difficult for him to see Izuna in that way and he could have a total crash out, ruining his legacy (lol) and slotting him in the same historical space as madara, ironically.
OR third option, he's weird about Izuna but also cautiously supportive, so he's just like a really helpful assistant to him who happens to constantly be checking Izuna for signs of what he considers mental degradation. Izuna is either slowly poisoning him or slowly sowing political rumors about him, either way he's putting in the effort to keep tobirama weak enough (mentally/politically) that he can't do anything against him but is also still around to assist because he is a useful second. I think in this version Izuna would pick Kagami as his heir, both because Kagami is the best trained for it and because Izuna would ensure power remains with the Uchiha, but also somewhat because Tobirama cannot argue against it (Thats HIS student) but wouldn't have picked him first out of all his students (As we know canonically).
this would mean during canon when all the hokage are brought back tobirama isn't and Izuna is, which would do a lot to the plot but this post is long enough so im leaving it there. immovable force vs unstoppable object izuna vs madara essentially
#i get we usually do it bc we want to tell a lighthearted story where the gangs all there and not trying to murder each other so no judgement#(lol) just like. it WOULD be a fun path to go down#also he and tobirama are similar enough i think he would have the same perspective that like#“konoha is NOT perfect but abandoning it entirely is not the answer”#/“people might never choose peace but you cannot take the choice away from them”#in the version where izuna is poisoning him btw they are also fucking. they are having such weird sex constantly and it has no affect#on their interpretations of each other as “that guy is definitely on the verge of a breakdown that could destroy us all”#if a shinobi found mental imbalance unattractive they'd never date another shinobi.#in any version where izuna and tobirama appear to get along btw madara would be like HES STOLEN MY BROTHER FROM ME#even in the version where izuna is slowly poisoning him and tobirama keeps saying vaguely offputting things about his organs.#madara is just like that monster.....as if izuna did not pick the village over him long before the situationship with tobirama#hokage izuna is always so interesting to me conceptually. and fun. love that little dude and the wild affect it would have on konohas futur
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"Since the Netherbrain fell, you and Astarion have seen more of Faerûn than you ever thought possible. One night, he tells you that these last six months of happy memories are the counterweight to two hundred years of misery."
idk what's up with my obsession with drawing astarion being happy and cared for but I'm sure it's not gonna come up in therapy. AFFECTION BEAM!!!!
#baldur's gate 3#bg3#bg3 fanart#bg3 tav#bg3 astarion#astarion ancunin#astarion x tav#tav x astarion#zyrastarion#bloodsong#dinosaur laser art#can you tell I'm getting bolder with posting my shit on tumblr#hey welcome to my tags where I have a mental breakdown#I'm unwell about this character. severely#and I'll make it everyone else's problem thank you good night#listen I just think we should allow astarion to be goofy.#postgame astarion is a good old fashioned lover boy (tm)#spawnstarion my BELOVED I would do unspeakable things to you#what's the maximum amount of tags I can add to this#I don't care if this is ooc I don't CARE he's my silly rabbit#I'm 28 years old and I've lost control of my life#I'm on my second run and I tried so hard not to romance him#I was having a genuinely miserable time LMAO dear lord#I gave up and romanced him anyways it's fine we're all fine#in all seriousness drawing this kind of stuff is therapeutic#he's a comfort character to me due to shared trauma etc#and I find comfort in seeing him in mundane situations#but like. happy and thriving and free. as he should be#larian studios meet me in the pit you've ruined my life#EDIT: I forgot tieflings have a forked tongue please kill me
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something I’ve been thinking abt is how many people think Makoto is immune to despair. I don’t think he is. I think becoming the ultimate Hope was BECAUSE he felt despair. He wouldn’t have fully reached that point without Junko. Makoto becoming such a beacon was his last attempt to avoid completely falling and it wasn’t because he didn’t feel despair, it was because he was too damn stubborn to allow everything to go to waste and he refused to sacrifice his beliefs for someone else’s. His inner monologue tells me he DID experience the same new low the other suvivors did in the final trial, but at the point where he had the choice to give up and die, he looked at the others and he looked at Junko and he couldn’t allow it to happen, not out of self preservation, but because the idea that Junko would have control over their lives made him FURIOUS. and that utter refusal to die kicked in, wether luck or otherwise, and he made the concious effort for one last push while something in him was breaking. He had to be broken in order for the Ultimate Hope to come through so aggressively, bc it could only exist in the face of the Ultimate Despair. He snapped the same way she did, but in the other direction. In what could have been his final moments he chose to embody everything Junko wasn’t, and every single optimistic and luck fueled ideal in him suddenly charged forward and pushed him. It was a combination of the final straw and a choice. Makoto isn’t immune to feeling despair, he’s just too stubborn to fall into it of his own volition. I think that’s why I like that scene in DR3 so much. People were SO SHOCKED Makoto actually fell for the tape, that he actually became despair for a moment. I saw people getting mad or disappointed, saying it was pathetic and Makoto seemed to fall from some sort of pedestal for them. Honestly part of me wonders if that sort of mentality, which clearly people had in universe, affected Makoto a bit. Like he started to see himself as less of a person, subconsciously. Prompting him to take more risks, less self preservation, act way more bold. It seems he has to be reminded a lot not to put himself in danger by his friends, to not do something too reckless. All over the place I would see in regards to that scene either this frivolous ‘oh this was just angst drama with no meaning behind it’ or ‘he can do better than that. he’s so weak’ or ‘come on, there’s no way he’d fall into despair, he’s the Ultimate Hope!’ This kind of mentality, which was kind of ironic considering Ryota was there the entire time saying the same thing and treating Makoto the same way. Like Makoto was superhuman. Like Makoto didn’t feel despair the same way ‘normal people’ did. In a way that was also how Munakata saw Makoto. Makoto stopped being a PERSON to the world when he became Ultimate Hope, he became a concept, a belief system, much the same way Junko ascended beyond herself. But the difference is that treating Makoto that way is the opposite of the reason Makoto became such a representative for hope. He wasn’t doing something no one else could. He was doing something everyone had the chance to, he just… was a little more optimistic, a little more stubborn, a little more ‘gung-ho’ about things. He just took the lead where no one else did, where no one else knew they even COULD in the face of Junko’s unstoppable force. She had overcome the biggest threats and obstacles in the world, what could one person do? And the answer Makoto found was, anything. Everything. It doesn’t all rest on Makoto, he’s just the one that was inspired to try to do what seemed like the impossible. But as evidenced by the change in his friends after that trial, it’s clearly not something only Makoto is capable of. The others pulled out of despair thanks to Makoto, but it was their choice to do so.
“But… this world is so huge, and we’re so small. What can we do…? No, we can probably do anything. Yeah! We can do anything!”
#makoto naegi#Danganronpa character analysis#Danganronpa#danganronpa thh#danganronpa future arc#I fucking love Makoto Naegi man.#I think there’s a fine line of nuance to Makoto that’s easy to miss bc he doesn’t really make it known#he’s not a pushover and he’s not overpowered. he’s a people pleaser but he will say what needs to be said#he’s an immovable object and the exact opposite of Junko but he’s also just a normal guy who’s optimistic and (un)lucky#he isn’t invincible but he has immense power to his words the same way Junko did#if anything his superpower is being kind above all else. he’s compassionate to some of the worst people in the world.#he was even conpassionatr to an extent to Junko. he didnt want her to kill herself despite everything she’s done#and he still acknowledges that for years she was a classmate and friend.#I do think the more he learned abt what she did the more he’s come to actually hate her though#post the first game he always refers to her without a suffix to her name which is one of the most subtle rude things you can do#it means you have zero respect for the person you’re referring to#and he speaks about her with some venom he doesn’t use for anyone else in the future arc#he’s not incapable of feeling negative emotions#I really liked the future arc scene bc it showed that Makoto DID experience enough despair to have overcome him if he didn’t refuse#and that it still affects him deeply. people treat him like he’s either this perfect ideal Chad or this baby chick who’s so delicate#and no one really focuses on how makoto shoulders so much and yet is still vulnerable.#honestly that guy was DUE for a mental breakdown even without the tape. it would have happened eventually#I actually wrote one based on him finally hitting a breaking point after giving so much of himself away and keeping nothing for himself#that his issues that he shoves down constantly finally can’t be held down anymore. Hajime helps him bc he knows how that feels#it was a LONG time ago that I wrote that but honestly if I can remember where i was going w it I might finish it#it was initially an rp but I could make it a fic#anyway. the point is Makoto is SO much more complex than people give him credit for#the most fundamental thing about him is that he’s normal and that’s ok! that’s what helps him rise!
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Okay DBD fandom. Bear with me, this is stupid as hell, but I’m laughing uncontrollably on the floor of my room and I have to share.
For context, there was this show I used to watch: Galavant. It only ran for like two seasons back in 2015, but it was awesome. It was like this fantasy/comedy/musical type thing. I was recently reminded of its existence when I randomly heard one of the songs.
It was a song that they did in the show sang by this evil witch. When the main character meets her, you find out she owns this tavern, and it’s full of all these muscly dudes, so you’re like “oh he’s about to get the shit beaten out of him.” Long story short, no. The witch owns a gay bar, and instead of beating him up, they proceed to do a musical number titled “Off with His Shirt.”
I don’t even know if I have to elaborate more on this, but I’m cracking up at Charles and Edwin meeting Desire and it being exactly like this.
#ignore the fact that edwin would have a mental breakdown#for the sake of the joke#i’m going to pretend he would simply feel scandalized#instead of the likely scenario of it giving him ptsd#ALSO#again for the sake of the joke#ignore the fact that they’re like#kind of minors?#but we’re already kind of ignoring that?#as a fandom#especially with catwin#ages are weird there but who cares i guess#also i like to think that in the future#edwin grow increasingly more confident in his sexuality#and even his own body in that sense#now i’m rambling sorry#this entire post feels a little embarrassing#whatever tho#i’m not on this app to be cool lol#dead boy detectives#charles rowland#dbda#dead boy detective agency#edwin payne#Spotify
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Anyone else just not feeling like a real person much lately?
#'lately' he says#as if he's not been feeling this way for the last 28 years#idk man#maybe it's bc I'm getting older and so are the people i hang/chat with#but it feels like everyone else has a real life and real interests and experiences and things to say#and I'm some kind of hollow scarecrow person just full of memory loss and sadness#i feel very stupid and very boring#which i know is too harsh. and i know i should be kinder to myself bc life and covid and shit can't have helped the brain situation#and i should absolutely believe my friends when they say they wanna hang with me bc it's mean not to take them at their word#but I'm still like... why though?#genuinely what's the appeal of being around me. my head is empty i have nothing to add and I'm not interesting or that funny#it's been creeping up on me. this feeling like i just genuinely have nothing to offer.#i don't even know who i am#except for a person who like. lives vicariously through fictional characters experiencing feelings I've never had cause to feel#i can relate to emotions SO vividly except i myself haven't even felt the half of them#i just sort of quietly exist somewhere on the spectrum between content and discontent#with occasional drops into the despair zone#and even if the stuff i think is keeping me here went away tomorrow. like if mum stopped being an issue and i was free#like... what would i even do?#i don't even know how to want something#anyway. this has been morning mental breakdowns with newt#I'm going to go make some made up guys live the life i haven't now#mr. bees speaks#negative
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THIS GHESTIE HAS JUST FOUND OUT THEY PERFORMED BIBLE LIVE AND NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT IT!!!!!!
#I DIDNT THINK THEY WOULD EVER PERFORM THIS LIVE ONLY TO FIND OUT THEY DID OMG#AND PAPA IS SINGING THE WRONG LYRCIS THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE SONG AND ITS SO CUTE OMG#he is just like me i always mess up the lyrics lmao#tobias can you please please perform this again i want this no i need it#sorry i am having a mental breakdown rn#tobias forge#ghost#ghost band#papa emeritus#ghesties#the band ghost#ghost sweden
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the psychickers make saiki watch romantic killer and tease him cuz the protagonist is literally him if he didnt have esp
#im right#teruhashi and saiki relate to like. most of the conflict in the show though.#and the characters#theyre saiki if he didnt have powers and teruhashi if she actually registered her trauma#cough cough also kusuo and anzu r both characters that get aroace stereotypes pushed onto them COUGH COUGHHHHH#like its lovely to hc them as on the aroace spectrum but ppl in both fandoms do the whole-#'if u dont think theyre aroace ur supporting aroace erasure🤓' thing and its fucking stupid and gross#teruhashi would fucking cry at both saki and kazukis stories btw#i mean anyone would but it hits so hard for her#the fact that in the long run the thing that fucked kazuki over wasnt even his looks it was his genuine kindness.#that would give teruhashi a mental breakdown#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki kusuo#toritsuka reita#aiura mikoto#akechi touma#pk psychickers#meows post
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exetober days 13-15 (jack-o-lantern, doppelganger, decay)
oops i spelt doppelganger wrong
link to prompts here
#exetober#my art#sonic.exe#majin sonic#sunky#sonic#sth#2017x#lord x#thats a lot of sonic.exe actually wow#i finally committed to being lazy for my tober days (which was what i wanted to do in the first place) yay!#yapping time :)#day 13: i didnt have any good edgy ideas for this. but i knew i wanted to draw sunky for this day (which is very unedgy) so i decided to pu#majin sonic alongside sunky because of this one really good fanfiction series i read (i forgor name). these guys would NOT be serious#about it though man. majin sonic got a whole majin army and sunky is sunky. what did you expect for their pumpkins#(2011x is the one in the corner he has a sonic jack o lantern what a nerd. such a cameo that i wont tag him)#day 14: if 2017x found out he wasn't sonic at all he would have a mental breakdown and get his ass whooped by sonic and lay down on the#floor crying. you know i think ive drawn 2017x the most so far in this exetober (my favorite is 2011x oops) but 2017x is so goofy. i cant#help myself. oops#day 15: smelly old man. my ROTTEN BOY I HATE MY ROTTEN BOY ROTTEN BOY! ROTTEN BOY#unrelated do you think lord x takes showers at all... i get the feeling he doesnt...
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I also don’t subscribe to the idea that sassy forced ted into having sex
#ted is mentally ill. he admits to having a breakdown. but that does not mean he did not fully consent to having sex??#’sassy ONLY shows up when ted is mentally ill she must have a radar for it so she can sleep with him!!!’#i do not think y’all understand how little she knows abt Ted#his mental health is not a topic of discussion for their hookups …??#like she does NOT know abt his panic attack in 1.07 or 2.10#bc like how would she#ted chose to have sex w sassy. now was that a smart idea on his behalf? who knows#but sassy isn’t his psychiatrist nor his friend lmao
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Looking at a transcript of episode 10 and I love how you can feel Izzy's fear just from reading this
And, um, in the meantime, maybe, you could, you know, polish things, or, maybe, swab the deck.
#aaaahhhh every time i think about how he was stuck dealing with a bunch of people who tried to kill* him and the only thing stopping them#was a complete mess of a man hiding in a blanket fort and on the verge of a total mental breakdown i just feel so many things for him#*i don't really think they would have killed him but i love the angst potential of imagining they were#our flag means death#ofmd#izzy hands
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'live up to your name' au where og knight of blood and iron javier gets "killed" in the middle of the plot but instead of dying he's transported to modern south korea, waking up in a random alleyway with no injuries whatsoever. and because he's a protagonist no matter what universe he is in, despite being deeply disoriented and confused when he sees a group of thugs harassing a guy he steps in and chases them off with no problem and barely any mention of cutting off limbs. and then after making sure the guy is okay he very sheepishly asks him if he could please help him because he was lost and had no idea of where he was or how he got there
and kim suho who just saw a gorgeous but obviously foreign stranger in awesome cosplay chase off his would be muggers with what looked like a real ass sword and is currently high and smitten in "oh thank god i didn't get my week's work salary stolen" endorphins and is about to have the weirdest week of his life innocently says "yes of course"
#i talk a lot <3#tged#the greatest estate developer#og javier asrahan#kim suho#listen i just need javier to be the fish out of water in modern south korea so badly my heart aches for it#of course as time goes on suho goes from believing javier is just a very in-character cosplayer to thinking he just found someone#having a very bad mental breakdown lol#but the guy Did save him and he thinks it would be a shitty move on his part to leave him to his own devices when he's clearly not well#so despite this being more than what he signed up for he decides to keep trying help him even if his help does switch from trying to locate#his hotel and maybe a group of friends if they're lucky to trying to corral him into going to a hospital or a police station where they can#find who this guy really is and why the fuck does he believe he's javier asrahan protagonist of his latest favorite novel#of course that all goes out of the window when by pure chance and a healthy dose of bad luck suho almost gets run over by dear truck-kun#and when javier shields him with his own body they find themselves back in lorasia. in the middle of the plot. the very tragic#very action filled very dangerous plot#still figuring out the later details but it would definitely involve a couple more switches between universes#and the subsequent adapting to a different world than your own shenanigans
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ᯓ★
#i feel the way i feel and i dont owe it to anyone to hide my sadness </3333#also i just have bpd and even somewhere many ppl have that u cant even say anything but im just having a breakdown now 🤷🏻♀️#anyway what i wanted to say is that i AM sensitive and emotional and stupid#and it does hurt so much when the person i want and love doesnt feel that way for me#and i feel bad saying stuff like this bc ppl dont really understand but#i dont feel..: a whole lot... for anyone but him thats just how it is#so he IS a loss he IS so hard to lose and thats just how i feel#and it hurts sm bc hes the only one i wanna talk to but i cant#i know this is smth most ppl deal with in life and like it's just part of being a human#i just everyday keep thinking of things that remind me of him or i read a book i wanna tell him abt and then the pain comes back#bc the thing is i kinda only want to talk to him abt it all bc i just dont /feel/ a lot talking to others#that doesnt mean i dont appreciate it or care i just dont know how to explain#maybe it's my avpd? but i just dont feel happy or nice or good or comfortable or excited or interested in the same way :((((#i dont know i barely know what im talking or thinking about#and i keep saying the same things over and over again im just so sad and it feels like i always will be#bc i have bpd and then the pain feels all consuming and like it will never end and its just so hard to deal with#and even if it might be true when ppl say stuff like u deserve love or you're gonna find someone else etc#im not ready to receive it bc i only want this specific person and i get that many ppl deal with unrequited love and its part of life#but i AM scared bc im 25 and i've never ever met anyone i feel even a fraction for what i feel for him#what if im someone who doesnt get many chances w ppl? what if im cursed to be alone and never find anyone i have a mutual connection to????#so therefore i just wanted thought believed and hoped it would be him#and yes i acknowledge that a lot of it was just me wanting that and not realizing reality but its still how i felt#and as a bpd girlie my emotions are all consuming 🥴#so bottom line is i kinda just wanna die bc i wanna talk to him every second bc im crazy and mentally ill and since i cant do that im in sm#pain hahahah :D#and i will complain abt it bc it hurts so much idk what to do!!!!! ☺️
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decembhyur, day 14: water
I have a recurring dream of hector, and paris is not in it. I dream of him frozen in a moment in time that forces me to relive the heartache and terror I put him through. he's separated from me by water; at times it appears to be a lake, and other times an ocean. I hear the roar of waves and the wind chill against my face, but hector does not move from his spot. I cannot discern if he says anything to me during these moments. he just stands there, away from me, just like before. he looks so small and fragile marooned out there, and yet I cannot save him. as I stand firmly rooted in place, as I've done so many times before, a heavy fog begins to roll over the tide. it engulfs everything in its path, including hector. my voice seizes, a lump forms in my throat as I watch him vanish before my eyes. I feel hot tears mixed with kohl race down and stain my cheeks, and still, I cannot speak. I cannot cry. I cannot scream. all I can do is stand there, just like I've always done before, suddenly so helpless and useless in the face of a horror of my own making. I failed him. I pushed him aside so callously when he needed me the most. he will always be here, trapped by ever-flowing water. I cannot reach him… not anymore. — ♫
#decembhyur#decembhyur2023#i hate tumblr formatting btw#you guys have NO idea how hard this prompt was for me. i agonized over this for 4 days straight because i was drawing blanks#but then the omori ost gave me inspiration#i know i said i wasn't gonna include hector in this but i needed angst and some mildly creepy vibes#andi has this nightmare because she feels guilty over not listening and helping hector when he was showing signs of a mental breakdown#she wanted things to be just like before where everything was right in the world#but in the end she distanced herself from him and ended up being the cause of halmarut possessing him#sidenote: paris rarely appears in andi's dreams because she doesn't think about them. her own child#she assumed that paris would be safe and sound with cassandra and have a semi-normal life. well she thought Wrong#q.#mygposes.#ffxivsnaps#gposers#ffxiv gpose#ffxiv oc#hyur
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