#so we can be sad and lonely together
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now that the seven busiest days of the year are FINALLY over, I can get back to my Maximus insanity. here have a close-up of the hands and arms that make guest appearances in every daydream I have ever had
#fun fact: every night i am getting absolutely WRECKED by him in bed because we’re Married™️#i will have more to say tonight but honestly what more is there to say#hands hands hanDS HANDS HANDS HANDSSSDS#i need him to grip me like the fleeting glimpse of happiness#i need to hold onto him like he’s my last chance of joy#ohh how i have missed being on this blog every day all day#this is my entire support system#having a rough time so i think i might rewatch gladiator#no one is having as bad a time as maximus#so we can be sad and lonely together#and then happy and fulfilled together! *sobs*#but anyway#salivating rolling on the floor screeching at volumes previously unknown to man over this picture#i wish i were that white dust all over his hands#i wish i were on my knees between his legs looking up at him while he holds my face in his hands#I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING#TO MAKE HIM SMILE#TO SEE HIM LAUGH#TO FEEL HIS SWEET TOUCH#gonna have a full on mental breakdown over him#gladiator#maximus#maximus decimus meridius#gladiator 2000#russell crowe#text posts
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so tonight starts the first night of me living alone in a farmhouse for a full month. bthe closest town in 15 minutes away (and is also the town they filmed friday the 15th in) and i'm gonna have to both clean the house and take care of some animals. but! luckily my cousin only lives 15 minutes away (not in the town) so we can hang a lot and i can get her husband to teach me how to do work on cars and how to play guitar or smth :3
#im lowkey sad about leaving my brother at home esp since we're in the middle of watching a show together#but tbh he's been a straight up dick lately to me so fuck him lol#like i GET IT he wants to spend as much time as possible with his girlfriend I GET IT#but if you say we're gonna have a night to just smoke and watch as much of our show as we want#DONT COME HOME AT 11 PM AND THEN STOP AFTER 3 EPISODES JUST SO YOU CAN CALL YOUR GF AFTERWARDS#OR AT LEAST GIVE ME A HEADS UP BC I WILL UNDERSTAND!! AND DONT BE RUDE TO ME WHEN I TEXT YOU A MEME BC IM APPARENTLY INTERUPTTING TIME WITH#UR GF WHO YOUVE SEEN EVERYDAY THIS WEEK LIKE LITERALLY YOU DIDNT EVEN HAVE TO RESPOND TO ME IF IT WAS THAT MUCH OF AN ISSUE#anyways. yeah glad to get some space from him and also i'm gonna start making him pay more for his cut of weed.#also he said he didn't want to hang with me on my birthday so he's legit just being a dick#anyways#rant over#lonely farmhouse time :)
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#god this is soooooooooOOOOOO pathetic but I really don’t wanna be alone next Wednesday night#I hate that I will be#I hate that I’m already feeling sad about it and I still have almost a week to go#I just. eughhhhhhhhhh! I hate this#literally sitting here about to cry about it which is so weird and pathetic and it’s making me wonder if my period is coming early#whatever I’ll just order a slice of cake and hang out with Lettie and it’ll be fine and I’ll get stoned and ignore how I’m feeling#(I am feeling alone. not lonely but alone. I can’t stand feeling this way and best friend Abby asked if we should get everyone together#but I said I didn’t feel like I deserve it and she hasn’t pressed the issue thankfully and I just feel!!! insane about it)#November can absolutely go fuck itself#my stuff#molly rambles#please ignore this
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family picture
#me#my dog bono#and my cat violet#bono has been in my life for almost 12 years he is my best friend firstborn soulmate love of my life. he very much saved my life when i was#a depressed teenager and he still keeps me steady as a bipolar adult#recently he's started having serious health issues#a heart problem that has developed into a lung problem causing sincope#for the last few weeks he's been fainting has been lethargic and he seems sad#im afraid always afraid his time is coming soon#i remember the first night when o got him#i cried all night long thinking about how this moment would be#but it seemed so far away#he was a 4 m/o puppy#he had years to live#i was going to be at least 24 when he died#basically a whole life time away#but next month I'm turning 26 and he is just getting sicker and sicker#i honestly dont know what i will do when he passes#i wish so much that we had more time together but no amount of time would ever be enough#violet is still a baby#barely 3 y/o#a scardy cat and shy girl that likes scratches on her chin and ears#she has two dimples on her cheek and her nose is two colors#we don't know each other as well but i can feel everyday out bond strengthen#I love them both so much and don't know who I'd be without them#anyways#just something off my chest#personal#don't mind me im just feeling lonely even though thanks to them im never alone
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#feeling extra melancholy tonight#all of my feelings and loneliness just simmering in the salty broth of my tears#yes I’m still melodramatic but to be fair we were both melodramatic and i think that’s why we were such good friends#or i think we were such good friends; perhaps I’m misremembering now#breathing in the miasma of retrospect i suppose#i can’t reduce it all to ‘one thing that hurts the most’#they’re interconnecting pieces—a glass jigsaw puzzle and no identifying pattern to help put it together#your requests for my patience and my endless store of it#your invitation and my fear it would be retracted#my faith in your assurances and your subsequent retraction#you said you only asked me because you were sad and lonely as though the potential hadn’t been dangled in front of me for years#this all sounds bitter i know but it’s really just me thinking out loud#because if I’m never going to get closure on any of this#i should be allowed to put my feelings somewhere they can be read at a later date#i would never think to email you any of this#for one it would make me look crazy—the woman who couldn’t take no for an answer!#clearly i took the ‘no’ and left you in the peace you so desperately wanted#but being ghosted after so long of being your pal and your confidant… well that hurts in a way i was never allowed to express#of course i still love you. i will never not love you#but you showed up in my dreams again last night#taunting me about all i cannot have#i know it’s my subconscious being a complete dick#and not really you#and then i got into it with him tonight about how i just have to accept this platonic life#most of the time i deal with it just fine. i have lots of hobbies as you know#hard to stay sad if you’re wrangling yarn and puzzling over reflexive verbs#but in the quiet hours i used to love so much#everything floods in#please forgive me my elaborate tag salads directed toward your unfillable absence#goodnight my darling dearest
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Self identified lonely old man
#VINDICATIONNNNN#two sorries one I’m a sad old man and like one million more raymondisms#which is when he’s like ‘ouuuhhh ik it’s so hard and lonely and it sucks so bad… this life We Have Been Given’#(pls don’t mention or think abt how I was the one who tricked you into this life)#‘but I know you understaaaand 🥺🥺🥺🥺 (pls understand)’#‘and I know you’ve been lonely (please don’t correctly identify me as the cause of this situation)’#‘but now we don’t have to face it alone isn’t that nice :) allll this time we’ve spent alone. being a lonely old man.’#‘now we can do it together 🥹🥹🥹 right??? please???? no lonely????? 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺’#I need to kick his head in#normalposting#mr delver i wont u…
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martin when he's lonely. reblog
#bluebird.txt#everyone shut up i'm making s1 archives crew sadder in my head again#so many people are like omg s1 archives crew they're friends#i know in my soul that as far as martin was concerned they were friendly (except jon) and that was it.#that was as deep as it went. they got along. they didn't really know each other though.#you see i love to project but i also know it is true that martin is just isolated even if people are nice to him#and it's nice to be like yay f is for friends! but i just Know In My Soul that that man could never escape the creeping loneliness#it follows you everywhere it sticks to you. he had no friends in the beginning. he had acquaintances. and it hurts.#and it makes my soul hurt. but also i know. i know martin. come hold my hand mr blackwood we can be sad together <3#tma#it's been multiple years this isn't a new take but it's my favorite bc i can hold it close like a plushie that makes you feel colder instea#n e ways. lonely martin for the win
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guys. guys !!!!
#vanu is rambling#ok idk this is gonna b a happy post but i think there are lots of people who love me in this world. or at least enjoy my presence.#like i always always always ALWAYS doubt if my friends or family like me and in my head they all secretly hate me#but like for these past couple months things have been different.#i don’t feel so left out (like i usually do in groups) or alone.#like my friends genuinely want me there like they always ask me to go places with them. and i almost always say no because im so busy or#i just cant but they still ask me everytime. yesterday the whole group was calling and playing a game and i got a bunch of texts like hey#where are you u shud join the call it’s rly fun ! but i just couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone at that moment.#today they were rly happy when i joined the call and idk it made me feel like. oh. maybe my friends do like me#and also i have two moods: i’m either super talkative or i go into my little shell and don’t say anything/add to a convo. and like during#those moments they’ll be like hey u ok? or they’ll just listen to me talk about ceramics and how fun it is or how much i hate eating pears#and like. we laugh so much together. like i have so much fun with all of them i love every single one of them omg#and scary thing is we might not even be friends after we start college. but yk what? that’s okay i don’t wanna think about that.#because like who cares? i’m not gonna let my fears ab the future ruin my friendships. i’ll always love them anyways. and we’ll always call.#i’m glad i met them. they’re all such beautiful and funny and amazing strong willed-people. they are my friends.#it’s just so crazy to me that they willingly want to spend time w me and are sad when i can’t. and they’re so understanding at the same time#they don’t get mad about it. and like they have mad eng last year in high school so much more enjoyable.#someone told me that this is ur last year do things so when you look back you don’t regret anything- so you can be proud of what you did#and my friends helped me with that. and like i still feel lonely the majority of the class because despite this there’s like a permanent#stain of sadness right there at the bottom of my heart. but they make the hard days more manageable.#like i’ve been on call with these people until ungodly hours at night just laughing and i go to sleep feeling a bit lighter.#they introduced me to the tech side of theater which i never thought i’d get into but here i am. they teach me silly facts and words in asl.#they taught me dances- knowing full well i SUCK at it- because we all had fun with it. theyve taught me it’s OKAY to be vulnerable in#friendships and that sometimes being open/yourself is quite literally the best thing you can do for your own soul and others. they’re cool#people really. really cool people
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So tired of continuesly feeling this way I keep trying and failing time and time and time again
#i dont want to feel a profound sadness anytime anyone (especially someone i know) expresses being grateful about their group of friends#i dont want to feel this way every time i find out about them being at a social gathering or whatever together#i feel so awful so so awfully patheticly lonely i feel so stupid and i feel so horrible when admitting it#and i fall into deep worry about my situation never changing bc everyone i know has a network of friends from childhood or school#and pretty much no one from my childhood or school stayed in my life i feel so scared of my future how will i live a life this way#anytime i come across a post talking about long time friends i cannot stomach reading it#it's all so debilitating and i dont know how much longer i can keep on ranting like this#i moved countries i hoped things would change i approached people i talked i asked to hang out three years later i'm left with two#(used to be three but she seems to not care about me at all) seperate friends i'm so grateful for both#but it doesnt work out. it doesnt work this way. i cannot socialize with them since theyre not muslim n we have very different life styles#so i tried finding muslim friends i got associated with the muslim students association went to gatherings joined the book club#i met very lovely girls but nothing more came out of it#i remember the first time i took part in something it was two years ago i talked with a group#it was a group who already were friends and one girl who also had just met them#a year later i find out theyve all become friends and hang out. vallahi i dont know what it is i'm doing wrong i'm so tired and so desperate#it kills me. it's so scary to not have a social network not have friends to lean on to call when youre in need it's so isolating#i've lived my teen years this way i'm continuing to live my 20s this way and cant stop but think it has to do with me#anyways enough of that now bye#nesi rants
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I feel so abandoned lately.. it's like I'm a little girl and today is my first day of school and I know no one once again. sigh
#vent in tags?#so aheem. yeah it happens that my friends and i always play together#but when one of us can't make it none of us play because we want to be together yknow#but it happens that today I wasn't going to be able to join. and one of my friends just went-#”oh nevermind. the two of us can join to advance and you can come another day when you're able”#and i just ? idk it kinda freaked me a bit because it's the first time they say that?#but well i agreed because idk. my first thought was that they were very excited to play or something. but it did make me feel a bit. uneasy?#and yeah i tell them that i may be able to join around 11 but they just. ignored my messages#and i waited for them to reply but the reply never came#and i still opened our disc server to see if they're there and yeah. they're talking. they were projecting something a while ago too#and idk it's not that deep but i do feel a bit bad. if it had been any of the other two we would've agreed not to play till another day#but the very first time this happens it had to be with me as the subject#I've always had a rooted social anxiety that i thought i had overcome in the past but i don't think i have#my thoughts are spinning and i feel bad and the recent friendship paranoia i got is not helping#if i was normal i would probably join the vc and ask them directly why they aren't answering my messages but I'm not brave enough#so i guess I'll play alone tonight and tomorrow we'll see#but i feel very sad and lonely right now#:(#vent#rant
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#i don't normally post stuff like that here but i need a place where i can just vent within it being seen by those people#anyway ok i just wish my friends were my friends more alsksjdj#i see ppl with their best friends how they talk about them what they do together and it just makes me sad#bc i want to have someone like that to do stuff and be silly with and talk and just hang out and i miss my best friend#bc we don't do that anymore#we've barely seen each other last year and when we do it's always just briefly and we never get to talk about deeper themes#some things i'm desperate to talk to her about and we've always done that but now she never has time for me#it feels like I've been replaced by her gf and they're doing everything together and i guess that's what you do you abandon your friends#no I'm not bitter or jealous. at least I'm trying not to be#she also has other friends a different group from uni that I've never met and i see she's having fun with them#and i don't have any of that and I really want to have a group of friends i just can't seem to find any#and we also barely even text anymore. sometimes i reach out and then it can take over a day for her to answer and it just feels shitty#ik she has her reasons and she's not doing it bc she doesn't want to talk or doesn't like me lol but it sucks that we can't even text#and i can't help but wonder if she does that to other people or if she's texting her gf right away and ughhhh#she feels so distant but i don't want that. i don't want us to be like that#i only have two real good friends that I've known forever and my other friend also sucks at reaching out and has her bf and friends#who i know but i'm also not really a part of that group. so basically i never see my friends and i feel fucking lonely woohoo nothing new#i want to have friends who reach out and just casually text me and i can tell them about my day and i see them at least once a week#and we can just hang out and have fun and god i sound so pathetic i don't even have that#somehow i missed the call where everyone started having their group of adult friends and a romantic partner and I'm still stuck#everyone just kind of has their own lives and I'm not a part of it#it just hit me again today i literally had a dream i met a bunch of people and we were having fun and it reminded me of how lonely i am lol#*without it being seen wow great typo in the first sentence that i can't change now#anyway i wish there were songs about this particular situation that i could listen to and be emo but i can't find any rip
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i've been less shy lately so damn i realized how. idk how to say it. wait
#🌙.vents#bcs okay during my shift for my class' booth i rlly helped quite a lot w my classmates in my shift too n yeah others too#i helped the lower school kids that visited hehe n then even a parent n yeah n not to mention my classmates too in general. yh#n to my classmate i was like. 'hey btw i like your mcr shirt' n i said that for my twin as well n. wow. yeah. i really did that woah#n then for my friend apollo n i helped out w their booth too. n i helped like two people for my shift for our (optional) fair committee n#yeah the long one w the discrepancies damn n we even talked a bit while waiting n all n then said hi to a lot of my old friends from back i#middle school. thinking abt it makes me want to cry actually it makes me so happy right now bcs like#my longest friend ever we rarely see or even talk but we're friends n we spent like the whole evening together w other friends#n. personally it just. aghhh i don't know it makes me happy when i can be like.. a friend for others? someone you can hug n then#someone you can open up to someone you know will listen someone you know won't judge you someone you. yeah#n i really mean it i don't know how to put it any other way because i just can't not be sincere about how i love n it hurts bcs#i don't want to be sad. i hate feeling tired. n that's so human n everyone feels sad n tired but#i'm so torn between being kind to myself n dehumanizing myself at the same time. that helplessness like you know better but you just can't.#ah yeah. not only that longest friend but also my longest friend in my school who moved for this sy for. yeah#used to talk n see each other everyday at school n we're third cousins actually n knew years after we were friends.#oh i'm crying again.. no. no i'll push that out of my head wait.. aa sorry i'm sharing my life story 💀 n i know it's because i'm lonely n#you see i just. i just can't. i know i should reach out but i can't & i wouldn't because everyone else have their struggles too#but i can't do.. this on my own but i want to be the one to help others. i notice too much i just need to shut it out somehow#ah yeah wait. other friends too :^) n i often wonder what others think of me. what i mean to them. how they see me#we're all human we all think n not everyone is so self-aware or introspective but. i find it all interesting nonetheless#i would share my own thoughts freely if one would ask. & my own curiosity n willingness to listen is endless#ah but.. nah no i won't entertain that line of thought any further. not sure if i already wrote this to myself today but yk the#i think. when i can really be free n all. i'm good w vulnerable moments i'm good in social situations. i can read them well. n i know what#to do. technically at least. mostly. not always bcs anxiety rlly sucks too n goddamn on the other hand i'm honestly insecure if i'm too#serious at times? like i take life seriously honestly but not like. in a boring way or wtvr i just really value life#most of this is just idle musing i think i've been here in my seat for hours. oh how the time flies huh? midnight is nearing & the tears#in my eyes are drying up. n i just wish that in this moment that time would wait and stop.#sorry i'm not trying to be poetic okay with an unintentional rhyme i'm just writing my thoughts fuck#nah i thought about this earlier n now i'm at a loss for words again. it's sunday n i'm still to tired to reply to the rest of my friends#i'm so sleepy i think i'll write a bit n sleep soon. calmed down after writing that last tag. i'll rest n do more tomorrow.
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aouhhh 🥺💖💙🥰
#ot3: ❤rhyme💛easy💙#tape entry circa 1980#ngl ive been feeling like a bit sad like... i just miss them sm hfdjks#i just wish so SO soso so badly that i could go home to them both back in the 80s#to be w the loves of my life but ALSO to have someone i can talk music to and we can just talk abt music for hours <33#i can just talk abt it to them and theyll completely understand and give their own thoughts abt whatever song/band/album im talking abt#and id love to hear them go on long insane rants abt their own favorite albums and for them to show me a new album they listened to#something theyd know i like cause we love the same music genres#fuck i just miss them so much... they understand me more than anyone and get along w me more than ANYONE#i couldnt even try to imagine a person who better suites me than them even if i tried to create the perfect person for me#they just ARE already the epitome of perfection for me like we were made to know and love eachother to get along so well to be inseparable#i love them... god i love them both so much just thinking about them always makes me cry#i almost never cry its only ever because of them that i cry...#i miss them so so fucking much i keep thinking about them throughout the day#just imagining me being w them to be able to kiss and hold them and show them just how much i love them both#actually today i was picturing them here w me which is something i never do#i just love and miss them... i feel lonely and just ah... idk i wish i could go off on an adventure w them rn#i want to escape the life im living rn and just run off on the road w them chasing after our dream of being rockstars#tbh id also just love to experience the train together and get to see all that crazy stuff yknow? would make good song writing material lol#idk i feel like i cant truly get into how much i truly love and miss them w/o sounding super depressed and pathetic tbh#so i keep holding myself back from really expressing how i feel abt them
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#i hate myself#i used to see this guy on and off back in uni and 2020 was the last time we got together#we called it off bc his mom was a nurse working with covid patients and my mom was immunocompromised#and we both were only allowed to see one person outside our household during lockdown#and clearly it couldn't be eachother#anyway we decided to break it off and reconnect once covid died down he even gave me a funny little present with a card#and the card said 'just some things as sweet as you' and they were all sour and bitter candies 😭#anyway restrictions died down and the motherfucker reached out to me first but had a fucking girlfriend?????#i was pissed but whatever#anyway i just decided to check his socials see what's up maybe connect again#idk i'm bored#and the fucker proposed yesterday#so like that's great#i'll just be sad and lonely and he can have his straight little fantasy
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i want to watch the things on my watchkist but i also never do its rly tragic
#i have plenty of time i always could but instead im like idk what abt laying in bed#whatever. im having a stupid gay moment so i have to like do that instead. <- this judt means i have to sit here and go God i want to be#loved god i wabt to hold somebody i need to be held i should buy a revolver. not elaborating on the last one there are several ways you can#interpret it.#DJFBFJFNFJGNGN#IT JUST. SIGHHH. SIGHHHHH. its my fault for engaging with romance media bc it always makes me so lonely. which sucks#bc it also makes me giddy at times like i like it. but then im likr I dont have this and then i get all emo#its whatever one day when we spontaneously grow and become a real person maybe we will be able to like go out and do like. i dont know#something#almost 1 year its crazy yk. idk.. sigh. i need 2 get my ged#not rly related to any of it but it is ged is the Thing i need to do so i can do everything else#like i need a ged to get a job i need a job to fix my life (itll force me to keep a schedule again) and to get money and i need money to#do Anything at all. sigh#i miss alcohol but also drinking alone sucks. but i cant drink with ppl anymore bc i get too sad. not like my friend edibles who never make#me sad At least not abt that. there was that post abt like humanity through the ages that i cried at RLY HARD for a full hour bc i kept#crying until my screen turned off and then calming down a bit and then turning my phone back on and seeing the post again and immediately#crying again DJFNJF#anyways ive been thinking and i rly wish there was likee. sigh. unfortunately ignoring the mushy stuff i need a partner for utility purposes#1 finances 2 i cant drive and i dont think ill ever be able to . ik i should just try and learn but the thought makes me real life nauseous#but i also uppn reflection would like to live in the countryside maybe. idk i change my mind constantly#bc city is convenient and i havent lived in Cities very much i dont like suburbs bc you cant walk anywhere and theres nothing 2 do#cities you can walk everywhere country you cant but you get to be outside and i want to start being outside again... creek rly solidified#this. my dream house it has a creek nearby#in fact its kind of exactly the same as the creek at granny n papaws house. but without leeches LOL. and maybe less cow shit#but ya. thered be a creek... well in one of my dreamhouses at least#my dreamapartment there isnt a creek bc the apartments in a city with lots of food options. which is a requirement#but maybe there is a little creek in the park in the city but i couldnt swim there i bet. unfortunately.... sigh. but this is where partner#with car clmes in in both situations is in rhe city they could drive me out to a lake . we would go together and maybe wed paddleboard#or we could get one of those little boats that you umm. with the umm. feet. what the... what r they called#whatever we had those at family reunions w papaws family when i was a baby. they were fun. paddleboat???????
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real sad boy hours
#why? just ‘cause.#actually I’m here at this chess tournament my brother is entered in. sitting by myself in the lobby waiting for him to finish his last game#and I’m honest to goodness trying not to openly weep. I feel so stupid#hold on. give me a second bc just writing this makes#makes me start crying a little and there are people around#life is too short#I love this kid. I’ve loved watching him grow up. and I’m always ALWAYS aware that everything is passing so fast#will I be here with him next year? will he outgrow all of this?#we don’t hang out as much anymore. he’s got his teenage things going on. his own life.#I don’t know. I’m trying to appreciate these moments as much as I can#it’s hard though. I feel like shit. my head hurts. my tinnitus has been driving me crazy#it’s hard to be present when you’re in a fog#last night in the hotel room we didn’t even really hang out. he just played on his phone until he slept. which is totally his right.#I just… I just hope I’m really appreciating this time#ok now I feel stupid for kind of crying in this hotel while lots of people walk around#i don’t know what more I could even do now. it’s not like I’m allowed to go watch him play or I can do anything but wait#I suppose I have to keep asking myself ‘am I appreciating this enough?’ and if I’m not then try to work on that#life is really shitty right now but I know there have been countless times I wish I’d been more present#so I wake up tired today and drink coffee & 5 hour energy and still I’m tired and my head hurts but I’ve still gotta try. just a little.#in a couple of years he’ll be off to college and have his own life#and it won’t be him and I going to the movies or driving him to school or having dinner together#anyway… juuuuust sad. and lonely. straight up not having a good time#but also I’m glad I’m here if only to hang around my brother a little bit#IAN! stop! god I feel so stupid letting myself wallow like this. it’s not helping. it’s just making me sad. focusing on the negatives.#whatevs. I’ve got major depression. suck my butt. I’m allowed to be sad sometimes.#this weekend didn’t really go like I thought#I guess I expected to read more and shoot the shit with my brother and hang out more but it’s whatever. life happens.#my mental & physical health has been bad for a couple months now so I couldn’t have reasonably expected to suddenly be great just because 🤷🏻#oh well!#text
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