#i think depression hit lmao
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Run bro
#rftd au#run from the dark#run from the dark au#tmnt#teenage mutant ninja turtles#art#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#crossover#tmnt crossover#rottmnt raph#rottmnt leo#rottmnt donnie#rottmnt mikey#ive got alot to do (all little art projects) so i might never get around to making this#also#i think depression hit lmao#idk im tired#character ref sheet#character reference#character redesign#i just wanted to give raph little freckles…#tmnt run from the dark au#tmnt rftd#tmnt rftd au
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wednesday, march 6th, 2024 ☀️
it feels like spring is here already and the warmer days make me so happy. as much as I like the cozy vibes, I was not built to be cold lol. this week has been really good so far and I feel like the future is bright. nothing like spring to bring out the optimist in me :')
today's self-care & productivity
had the most focused workday that I've had in what feels like forever
saw So Many birds on my lunchtime walk (and also these flowers!)
studied for ~2 hours and made some progress in the final challenge
ate fruit & veggies :)
#studyblr#studyspo#study inspo#study inspiration#studying#op#I have been in such a good mood this week! it feels so nice#I think I don't have seasonal depression and then spring arrives and it's like getting hit in the face with joy lmao
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me: i gotta get my shit together
the shit in question: drawing gay cartoons and writing gay fanfiction
#i finally got diagnosed with pmdd and lemme tell ya#it hit me HARD this month lmao#i haven't been able to focus at all and i think the lack of fandom activity is making me more depressed#fandom activity as in my participation#my biggest tell for being depressed is when i spend my free time playing video games instead of drawing#and guess who just got a high score in diner dash 😔#lmfao
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hello... (and bye ig 👋)
#👋😭 hi...#i haven't come on in about a month and i didn't realize a month passed by like that... i've kinda stopped using any apps on my phone#i barely even talk to my friends anymore lol 😭#i just saw my follower count this morning and realized i hit 13k and i was like 🥸 huh...#uhhhhhhh 😭 idk i wanted to say thank you i guess 🫂#i'm done with stayblr and tumblr in general 😭 this much has been obvious for a while now... i tried to fit myself back in during 5star but#i think i realized i've outgrown the vibes here and in online spaces in general... i don't really enjoy it anymore 😭 which is weird cause#i've used tumblr since i was in middle school so 🫡 end of an era some would say...#i think it sucks because i don't have the same feelings about this place or skz or anything in my life right now... i tried to ignore it bu#it's so obvious now that the entirety of december passed without me really talking to a single person / without me using social media /#without me really doing much except for like homework and assignments lmao#i think genuinely i've stopped enjoying everything i used to like and i don't know why 😭 it hit me the other day bc i don't even enjoy#pc collecting anymore which is CRAZY considering how much time and money i've put into that hobby so 👋🥸 who knows what goes on#i haven't consumed any skz content since rockstar dropped 😭 and that also feels weird to me... idk... i would say maybe i'm going through a#depressive episode but i don't really feel how i do then... i think i'm just tired like i always am and that's just how i am now .. i think#i'm just not really interested in things anymore? weird but .. yeah idk😭 if i knew what was wrong i would Fix It sndjdndkd mostly i'm just#sad because i haven't been talking to friends... i keep ignoring everyone and not replying to any texts from anyone because ????#i tell myself i will do it later but i know i won't ... idk i genuinely don't know why i'm struggling to talk to ppl anymore 😭 i've become#even more of a reclusive hermit than i already was 💀 and the worst part is i feel normal abt it#i don't feel /bad/ i just feel guilty that i'm not replying to ppl bc i don't want to hurt ppls feelings... on my end i feel Normal abt it#like i ??? is it weird that i'm so detached from everything that not even a month ago made me so happy..? that's weird right 😭 like idgi#i don't feel (as) depressed (as i usually do) but clearly ?? smth is wrong ?? like ik i'm not a clingy sentimental person but ? it kinda#makes me sad wondering if i really don't care abt ppl anymore ... but i think 😭 it's also the object permanence issues that come with adhd#not seeing or talking to the ppl i love . not doing my hobbies or seeing the groups i care abt . makes it easy to not care or forget what#they make me feel etc etc ... i get it... but idk 😭 if that's what this is . well wow it sucks ASS.. cause i feel guilty for not feeling#anything at all ... 😭 idk how to explain that HENSKDNISJS anywayyyy 💀#i came on cause i wanted to say thank you for 13k followers 😭‼️ and that i probably will not be online anymore unless i really want to say#this was a really long winded way to say i feel bad but i'm done with stayblr fr 👋🥸 i tried so hard for the last 2 years to make it feel#like home again but it stopped ages ago so 🥹 that's ok.. i still cherish my memories here 🫂 anyway thanku and sjsjsksksks bye i guess 😭#who knows maybe i'll enjoy it one day again and come back :') never know what the future holds 🫡
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Just know the urge to rewatch the breakfast club is plaguing me and it’s entirely your fault what have you done to me /j lol
LOL DUDE I was literally just talking with one of my sisters about how I'm kind of itching to rewatch that movie now lmaooo you *should* you should actually!
#asks#(also the reason I haven't rb'd the piece yet is cause I sent you that last message then got hit with the sleep deprivation beam haha)#(and today I went out)#(aether's version too aether if you happen to see this I absolutely saw thank you love ya lol)#BUT ANYWAYS YEAH#I just showed my sister ur b.c. art (she doesn't know d&dads she's just heard me babble about the Close boys a lot lmao but she likes b.c.)#and she went ''OH SLAY'' hahaha#she was saying how she used to be obsessed with that movie but doesn't like it as much anymore#Me though? I saw that movie when I was 15 and depressed out of my absolute mind so. I think it deserves a fresh watch loool#the criminal was my favorite because I am. how you say. predictable.#but I wonder if I would feel differently now...#looking at your piece specifically though I've been thinking ''shit I kinda wanna write the au now''-#which is to say that I think *you* worsened *my* brainrot hahaha#anyways yeah you know what yeah Mack me personally I think you should fr yw for the urge jaheklfhl
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Big shoutout to One Piece for awakening my motivation and inspiration to draw when it was dormant for *checks calendar* over a year
#It’s been a LONG ass time since I’ve drawn this much. And this often#Like I want to say since 2022 probably#I think depression was a big part of why I just. Did no art last year#(And also the fact that I was physically unable to for 6 months haha thanks back problems!)#But yeah. YEAH. I haven’t been this motivated and hyperfixated since I was churning out Tododeku AUs#I missed this I really did 😭 It’s soooo nice to want to draw and have ideas and be willing to actually sit down and do it#Thank you OP for my LIFE.#Shima speaks#Again I’m just sitting here and letting the inspiration lead me#Another reason why I’ve been drawing so much is bc I KNOW I’ll hit a wall at some point#So I want to churn out as much art as possible before then…LMAO#Me to me: Draw draw draw DRAW DRAW BEFORE YOU STOP WANTING TO#Me: Yes boss okay boss on it boss!
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using my annual six month tumblr reappearance to wish a happy No But Seriously Imagine It day to all who celebrate. i’m clocked the fuck in on phan twitter for the first time in probably 8 years because this joke is genuinely unironically healing my inner child, most specifically my 15 year old self who had to deal with the worst month of my entire teenage years, october 2015. i vividly remember like three full days of that month in excruciating detail and then it’s completely blank until at least february 2016, but in the midst of all the haze i have always remembered “no but seriously imagine it” gracing my dash for the first time like a flickering lantern in an abandoned old tunnel
#the stars are truly aligning for the most insane moment in internet history#dan and phil have the chance to do the funniest thing imaginable#but i think them not even coming online at all in the slightest for the entire day would also be the funniest thing imaginable#like the prophetic heritage post aligning perfectly with the 15 year anniversary of them meeting up for the first time?#thats fucking cinema#my most mentally ill tenage self would never believe this#to that depressed loser hitting post limit every day alone in her room#the world around you will actually get worse but you will learn how to cope with it#at least partially#you have to do ketamine every week to reach that point but like#at least you’re there lmao
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Did I choose to start redecorating my room this evening? Yes. Have I only just finish for the night? Also yes. There will be more tomorrow tho…
#personal*#jess talks#started the day really keen to draw Chika in her anime form but in different ages#was going really well until my new years plan gripped me SO MUCH I had to do it today lmao#and if I decide I now don’t like it (cus it’s less cosy) then I have time before I go back to work to rejig it again!#anyway it’s cute#more practically for when I’m working#doggy will hate it tho cus she can’t lay on my bed and look out the window anymore#might have to invest in a crochet/reading chair that she can fit on#also feels weird cus I don’t have any wall art or pop figures out🤯#this was all to make more space for my shelves anyway technically#so once I get another bookshelf I can dedicate it solely to pops!!#I think my depression is hitting again tho#cus I always do this before a break down#‘need a change’ is my tell lmao#anyway pray for me
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who else up feeling the soul-numbing empty hopelessness for absolutely no reason this friday night
#literally nothing bad even happened to me personally today cannot emphasize this enough#i just read one too many of the Wrong wikipedia articles during the period after the sun went down at fucking 4 pm or whatever and then#my brain just decided it was time to replay the biggest hits of the great 2020-2022 depressive episode for fun i guess#and now i’m having. a series of moments. over a series of ridiculous things#again not even specific things that have actually happened to me just the whole vague existential dread deal i guess#truly i haven’t felt this shitty without some kind of direct cause for a year and half at this point#which is having the semi-beneficial side effect of reminding me to appreciate just how good my mental health has been recently#like. remember how i used to just feel like this all the time for. actually most of my life Until a year and a half ago? damn that’s crazy#i hope i snap out of this lmao i really cannot deal with walking into the holidays as a hollow shell of a person#but i think i’ll be fine tomorrow actually pretty sure i’m just kind of sleep deprived after this week#caseyposting
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.
#not feeling so great as of lately#i thought it was just that i was thinking about stuff at a too late of a time yesterday but now its morning and i still feel bad#sure i slept very badly so maybe its still that but idk it still doesnt feel great no matter what the reason is#i feel like. so annoying lately#and like yea maybe i am and it shouldnt matter yk like all that ur allowed to be annoying and just be urself and whatever#but it just of takes a lot out of u when u t talk about ur interests or ur day or smth ands like everyone just brushes it off or ignores u#and obviously im probably being dramatic like this is a busy time of the year!#and its not always about me and like other ppl have their reasons to do what they do u know#but it still feels bad :'))#also this isnt about like anyone specific its like a combination of little things that FEELS bad to ME not a thing someone else does#like i know ppl dont have to care about stuff yk i like that i KNOW they dont care about so like what do i expect#and i dont ever know what to say to stuff idk anything about either so its very understandable#but its took me years to like. talk about things i like without prompting so it feels like a big hit when i dont get any reaction back fsgsh#and thats not trying to blame anyone else either its not anybody elses fault im not good at something#i think my kind of insecurity is showing one of my friends had to reassure me that yes they do want to hear how im doing fsgsh#but im thankful for that it feels good to hear when ur feeling kind of unstable with ur relationships fshsh#also since i am feeling like. unstable on EVERY relationship i suspect its just seasonal depression or stress or something#still wont stop the brain from like trying to blame itself lmao#this is kind of stupid idk what im trying to even say here#my post#vent#maybe ill delete it later?? this feels stupid
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alright besties new happenstance is officially written I’ll edit & post tomorrow after my job interviews 😊
#see there wasn’t even THAT much of a delay when I was having a full on depressive episode lol#i’m so good#although my ability to come up with ideas for the main characters of this story is definitely waning lmao#I don’t really know how to write like. happy established relationships that aren’t supposed to be taking critical hits#I just feel like this story is coming to an end#probably gonna shorten it to 80 chapters I think#this new one is pretty hilarious To Me#but like there is just Nothing goin on with the actual main characters or relationships
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how am i supposed to go back to work on monday like my life hasn't literally changed this past week lmaooooo like what
#everything has been put together except my office the bathroom and today's adventure of finding the right curtain rods lmao#but i have curtains in my rooms!!!!! will have to do the living room next#all the boxes and bins left are my fandom stuff that i gotta sort through and figure out what's give away storage or display#my bathroom just needs organizational stuff#and there's like random misc stuff that i need like lamps and bedside tables#the number of times ive been to the store to buy and return things... lord#but it does look much better and i feel good knowing the kitchen is pretty much done#no art is hung up yet either rip but i gotta figure out where i want that#a week is not enough time to do all of this omfg#tmrw im gonna try to get the office set up or at least start going through those boxes im making it my mission#i think ive hit a wall like i was just in Go mode and now that i know it's just fandom stuff i rly do not wanna go through it lmao#majority of it is like funkos or stuff from when i was a kid#also this area is like...... moneyyyy and there's so many ppl#the houses make me depressed a bit cuz some are vv fancy but others are just average and like it would be nice to own a house#but that is a whole other dream
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Mr worldwide come to the Netherlands challenge
#closest i can go is antwerpen and i fucking MIGHT OKAY#käärijä#the hyperfixation is strong i am actively thinking of going 👀#10/07 edit#still planning on going but ppl are liking this so#i just wanna let yall know this was a joke and at the time i didnt know he was going to songfestivalfeest#which i am also debating on going to but then ill have 3 concerts in 3 days that is a lot#but this was just a silly light hearted post please dont read this as me being mad#because i fully understand him not hitting every single country in europe for this tour#i of all people need to understand taking time for your mental health#lmao#i literally stopped 3/4 through my thesis because i was too depressed to function i fucking get it#so its all in good fun and lets all cheer for our lovely green finnish man!!! even if we cant see him#i know i will#💚💚💚
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you asked, you shall receive (also forgive me this is gonna be hella long but also it's ur fault bc u asked for it)
so what i was thinking of was that before the season even starts, hollywood thinks he's gotten over the whole qb-wr-breakup thing quite well. it's been more than a year since he got traded, he got a whole season down with his new team, so he thinks it's all gucci leading up to opening week.
this confidence comes crashing down on him though when the season actually starts, and he sees lamar & obj chopping it up better than they ever did (this is just a bold prediction laced w a lil hope from me but don't mind it). it doesn't help that lamar has really good chemistry with the rest of his brand new receiver core as well, with rashod and especially that rookie zay flowers (who's already been called a "better hollywood" before). it nags at hollywood's pride to see his ex (lmao) thrive without even thinking of him, to the point where he rants to kyler whenever the ravens do something (aka hating because they're good). he tries to keep his feelings at bay until week 8, but inevitably fails once the game rolls around and lamar has that same great chemistry with his receivers (especially obj, but he's like The Notorious B.O.T.T.O.M. so it doesn't matter)
the game goes how the game goes, but after the fact, they do the ole shake hands pat on the helmet thing and hollywood is zoned out most of the time. when he gets to lamar, he tries desperately to avoid eye contact, avoid seeing the shimmering lights of victory (another bold prediction but shhhh) in lamar's eyes. lamar doesn't carry that air of somberness and melancholy that he did during the preseason game last year, he looks like he's moved on from the trade for real and something about it bothers hollywood. basically, the roles are flipped from last time and hollywood hates it lmao
this is mostly from holly's perspective but if you want i could expand a lil more on lamar's side of things (i do think this all messed holly up more than it did lamar but maybe that's my bias as a ravens fan lol)
KARMA KARMA KARMA KARMA!!!!!!! I LOVE IT.
^^a good remind of my thoughts to hone in the irony
YES THOOOOO I LOVE IT. BECAUSE IT'S HOLLYWOOD'S 'BLAME IT ON THE BUSINESS. IT'S JUST BUSINESS. IT'S NOTHINF PERSONAL KID, HEH.' coming back and EGGING HIM ON THE FACE x10 OVER. Like he already got the shell of it with the whole thing accidentally hurting lamar's feelings and then relationship with the organization for a bit.. but those could be not exactly excused.. but have their damage diminished by the necessity cause of business. Hollywood's not the bad guy... the BUSINESS is! Hollywood's not responsible, doesn't need that weight, can't bear the weight anyways... the BUSINESS IS! the business CAN!
... and now, the business is Actually playing a role, without Hollywood forcing it to. Now, it says 'you know what? You want us to play the bad guy? .... Aight. Check this then.'
Quarterbacks need new wide receivers after their old (trustworthy) (best friends) Ditch them, so. All business did was get Lamar some. All business did was step up where Hollywood couldn't because business holds the power and the responsibility and Hollywood? Does not.
And if one of those wide receivers happen to be THE notorious B.O.T.T.O.M, old dirty bastard O.B.J?
That's just business, baby.
As it's .. 'apparently' always been. So why have the nerve to complain now, marquis? Hm? Seems a bit . Suspicious .
And clearly, Lamar is doing okay. No, more than ok, Better. He's doing WAY Better. And that's what was wanted, right? By business, anyways. And by personally, it should be too. By good people. And business isn't good people... so why does it get the positives? The Bad Guy?
... maybe because it wasn't.
At least in the beginning, anyways.
But Hollywood doesn't wanna think about that. And he doesn't want to think about how funny he feels about seeing Lamar so happy now... WITH OTHER PEOPLE, i mean. That's the problem. The ONLY problem. It's with other people. He's happy when Lamar's happy because he loves lamar and hes the kind of good person that loves that his lover is happy. He can do that. He doesn't have to FORCE himself to be good. He's not a bad person, no- fuck. He's not . Selfish. IT WAS THE BUSINESS. OKAY? IT WAS AN EXECUTIVE BUSINESS DECISION ON HIS PART. for his CAREER.
So he's not sore at all about leaving. He's not sore about some 'better Hollywood' on the- HIS old team now. He doesn't care about some new young wr core. And obj will probably pull some diva shit soon enough or whatever. He. Presumes anyways. Or... hopes, moreso- NO FUCK. HE DOESN'T HOPE. THAT WOULD BE- it's just- well. I mean. If something WERE to happen then well- so be it...........
Anyways. It doesn't matter. He doesn't. He doesn't care. Because clearly. Lamar doesn't either, anymore.. and hollywood Definitely doesn't care about that....... because if, and this is an IF, he METAPHORICALLY DID . . he would miss it. He would miss it like a horrible person would AND HE DOESN'T ! BECAUSE
HOLLYWOOD
ISN'T
A
HORRIBLE
--
.
#oh it DEFO fucked hollywood up in the long run FOshure#lamar got hit deep but it was all collapsed in one pit of agony for him#once that fat bag of cash was plopped into the ground where everything felt like it was all going to rot from the fall#... suddenly#the depression wasnt that so bad after all#once u can walk on the bag and all the resources that come with it#you can basically walk on air#walk over the pitfalls and the troubles in your life#but hollywood ? sure he got a few splinters cracking his road...#but it's not like theyre any big#at least not until he has to take some steps forward in his life and move on and#oh the cracks splitting apart oh the roads are diverging and theres a sinkhole and where does he go with this shit shit wait wait w#but he cant go physically back because the road fell behind him and all hes left to do is look#and look he does#UGHHH it's SO sick#ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLLYWOODS AFRAID OF LOOKING WEAK IN FRONT OF LAMAR#BUT LIKE... DO U THINK URE GONNA LOOK STRONG AFTER HIS TEAM STEAMROLLS URS LMAO????#its sooo sick and selfconscious AND IM SO SICK#i love this observation and this take it's SOOO good id LOVE to hear more of lamars thoughts just out of hunger for more#ted asks#hollywood/lamar#SO GOOD LOVE THIS THANK YOU#ted longer
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once again brooding abt how i should write an original novel
#that way it can be just my thing for ages. writing fic ends up gutting me 9 out of 10 times lmao bc of all the expectations wrapped up in it#writing a book would of course gut me as well. possibly worse. but it would be so far down the road that i wouldnt have to think abt it#i can go thru my little cycles of hyperactivity and depression a million times before End Product blues hit#fic is so special to me but MAN. does it feel poisonous after i publish. fucking. guh#@ self stop being a bitch and DO IT instead of talking abt it forever
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so confession ive been feeling really stuck with this blog tbh. it just feels so messy and cluttered here and im really struggling to feel like im able to, with a few exceptions, have any meaningful interactions (which is solely on me, yall are lovely <3). the logical thing i think is to remake but i hate remaking and need to think a little more on that. but ive had incredibly high muse for especially my prsk kids and i just. dont know what to do with it bc of this feeling
#im too sentimental to like remaking lmao#but AGH i think i need it#idk dude!! ive also been struggling with general multimuse insecurity bc some of the fandoms i write for are so different but like#thats just smth i have to work thru#its also fall so yknow. the depression starts hitting different around now and that might be part of the problem#anyway!! just needed to get this out there i think. i Might remake. we'll see#‧ miscellaneous. → 「 out. 」
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