#i think bc i had low expectations
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feel like i'm 15 again hyperfixating on sunny rn but i'm having the time of my life
#SUNNY HF IS BACK BABY#after my first one ended in like spring 2020 i thought thatd be it#and then s15 came around and i was actually like. normal abt sunny#i think bc i had low expectations#and i mean it wasn't a bad season i thought it was alright#but s16... oh my goodness#the stuff that was coming out in the weeks before the premiere made me really excited#i think it also helped that a shit ton of stuff wasn't leaked early on like it was for s15#with the casting call#i honestly was a little hesitant at first when the plot for the first 2 eps of s16 came out#but it did not take long for me to get excited about everything esp as more came out#and now the season has started and the premiere was great#so yeah anyways i am in super autism mode currently :]#iasip
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"We are not the easiest opponent for everybody else, let's put it that way."
#the quote i think is a ref to carlos and the penalty haha so had to add it#ah also this interview kinda confirmed what i was thinking earlier#about him keeping expectations low and taking any kind of success as a win#even if that means a few points#very pragmatic yknow#he said h'd be happy w being in the lower top 10#WHAT IF IM NOT HAPPY W THAT FERNANDO? WHAT IF I WANT YOU TO ASPIRE TO GREATER HEIGHTS#but nah im happy as long as its in the points but....id be happier if it was top 3-#nah bcs he had me getting excited over a p5 the other race#but honestly very nice and comforting to see him so happy all the time#also god im so tired and its so late and i still feel ill so the cuteness aggression hes giving me is insane#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#we do a little bit of f1#2024 chinese gp
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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'
#red said#recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis#like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes#and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not#for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening#i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine#as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital#as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin#ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes#some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am#bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me#like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD#there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife#but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't#tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us#like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well#i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point#anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also#been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them#i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it#most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables#honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk#is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry
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the fact that taz abnimals is set in a place called river city, and in today’s episode justin literally said “you got trouble” and NO ONE made a music man reference smh
#COME ON#i’ve been expecting it since episode one bc i thought they were theater nerds#it might be more obscure than i thought bc im still thinking abt the time i picked it for blather round and no one i was playing with#had seen it so i lost lol#i really thought it was like. intro level everyone knows it rip#or maybe it’s just low hanging fruit. too obvious and they didn’t want to belabor it#mine#taz
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Ngl still hurt by the anon who said my partner and I are both too feminine to tell im the butch despite the photos in question being from halloween and everything
#like i know i should just move past it and anon was clearly the asshole in the situation#welp... i am sensitive and already have trauma around being percieved as/told im too feminine to be how i wanna be👍#and the fact that it came from another butch#and they said they also are low income and wear feminine stuff like dresses sometimes#which... i know that is so hypocritical why am i letting someone like that get me down#and i wasnt even wearing a dress or a skirt or anything i just had halloween themed fake nails and a headscarf and like. a miniscule amount#of makeup on#but anyways#the fact it came from another butch really hurt#cuz like. id expect someone w a similar gender experience to understand how fucking hurtful that is#and i keep thinking about it bc i wanted to be poison ivy for purim but i keep having panic attacks#bc i keep worrying ill get told im too feminine again#fuck my life#vent
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I did it. I finally beat this game.
#and theres a long road ahead.#i may have 100% every terrirory but i missed a lot of dialogue#so i need to replay obv#but at least my desparation to complete the game is no longer#i can probably return to multitasking my time again instead of this being my singular focus#this means turning my attention to this blog#i have a lot of plans#im still on the fence about reviving felassan and putting him on this blog.#i sorta thought he would play a bigger part than he ended up doing#which is one of several disappointments in this game#but. ill say this: it was a good game.#it had its problems#some of them stupid af like idk how or why they did some of this shit#just making it bad on purpose ig??#idk but there were also some moments i really liked#i wish they could have just... done a bit more in certain aspects. they had a billion years to work on it.#if they needed more time to not feel so incomplete in certain ways#i wouldnt be complaining#anyway. yeah bittersweet like i thoughts#but not as bitter as i was fully expecting#thank god this didnt totally suck.#i woulda been crushed.#i give it... a 4.5/10#if that seems low it's because i am a harsh grader and also bc i think small changes would have made a drastic impact#okay wait ill be generous and say 5/10.#what are y'all's ratings? am i too harsh? not harsh enough? did yall hate this shit or do i need to relax?#ooc
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as i said b4, cant wait til I'm 30 to experience my own yuri cherry maho. its gonna be great
#ive been trying in the past 8 months or so to give dating a go and I've concluded that 1. the apps arent for me also i cant rlly trust an#dating app profile to actually pick a good partner. 2. i hate texting. i prefer in person unplanned low intensity meeting much more.#and 3. I'm not ready for it yet. i want to spend these next 2 years being selfish. i feel like I've never actually been able to be purposely#self centered and frankly a bit selfish. I've never done that. ive always been compromising for false narratives and expectations in ny head#and I'm tired. i dont think i can be a good partner rn until ive had my fill of self centered ness b4 i can progress to a healthy medium.#I'm open and of the right person comes along i trust myself to not drive them away out of habit and hyper independence#but fuck yk. as mich as i want it. its nit for me. tho tbh i do think i should kiss random ppl in bars just once this year bc like.#i havent done that in .. oh god 6 years. mitski was right. one good movie kiss yk#but yea. hhh its 10pm i need to sleep but alas i cannot
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this review for the ballad of songbirds and snakes is going to be critical so if you loved this book and don't want to see that critique then you are welcome to skip this post. im willing to have civil conversation and im also very willing to hear other points of views bc i love discussing books (and who knows! maybe someone could change my mind) BUT if you're at all going to be nasty and/or take it personally, then you will likely be blocked.
im gonna be so honest... the ballad of songbirds and snakes was a decent book. but. i don't think it actually added anything to the overall story. it added some perspective, maybe, to how snow became snow but it also felt... pointless? i think if I'm going to get a villain origin story, i want it to make me feel conflicted, or at least somewhat understanding to how the villain turned out that way. i want it to show me the gray area. but this book just... didn't do it for me. none of it was surprising. and also, from the beginning, i didn't overall care that much to know what made him this way, because the end result was still the same, and nothing happened to change that feeling for me. bc the only way snow was interesting was how he was as the villain. there was nothing beyond that to interest me, and i think that's what this book was trying to use as the draw. and moreover, to expand on my opinion that it didn't add to the series: i think it relied solely on easter eggs from the original trilogy to make you think it was adding anything. like "see, look at this reference i made! doesn't it remind you of the original books?" idk. like i said, it's a DECENT book on it's own. the writing is good, the story itself isn't bad--it just also gives you no reason to invest in the main character, and i think to some degree that's something that's supposed to draw you into a book. and like i mentioned, nothing surprised me. i saw all of it coming. i predicted every twist before it happened. which isn't always a bad thing! but i was also mostly underwhelmed when the twists DID happen. i was hesitant to read this book in the first place, hence why im only reading it now after the movie release bc my partner wants to see it, and honestly? im not feeling like i gained anything from the experience. i had fun reading it bc, again, it's written fairly well, but at the end of it, im just feeling.... meh.
(spoilers ahead in this paragraph only) i at first thought the only thing it added was why snow dislikes the mockingjays but the more i consider it, it didn't really even add that much either. he was just creeped out by them??? hmm.... (unless, and this might be reaching, he hated the mockingjays bc they showed him his true feelings about lucy??? there's a line about how he was getting tired of her music and maybe the fact that the mockingjays repeated music instead of voice, like the jabberjays (which he had no problem with) was like... his true feelings coming through? I'll have to sit with that and see what i think)
i will say, the parallels between characters in this book and the original trilogy are interesting and i will enjoy seeing those analyses but, again, i don't really feel like it added anything. i still think snow would have done the exact same things without them. because he never ACTUALLY cared about anyone at all, except for how he could use them. how they made him look.
if anyone is interested in a star rating, i gave it 3/5 bc the reading experience was relatively enjoyable, and the writing itself was good imo, and as a stand alone story it was not bad but also not excellent. it was all "just okay". and im trying to rate this as it's own story, not as part of of the whole. however, it being part of that whole is what makes me feel so let down
#text post#the hunger games#the ballad of songbirds and snakes#also the way i rate things may be different than you so if you read my take and think i rated it too high just keep that in mind#if i had a good time reading it i usually end up giving it 3 stars even if i don't think it's perfect#< unless the book has actually glaring problems in how it presented or handled things#also before someone comes at me saying i set myself up for failure bc of my low expectations going in:#if im going into a book like this and im skeptical i still ALWAYS hope for best and give it every shot to prove me wrong#it just didn't this time
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so i really like geats :)
#ace is definitely one of my favorite kamen riders and i loved every minute that he was on screen#absolutely adore michinaga and there's a lot of good dynamiccs and interesting themes that i think were explored well#is it perfetct? no there's pacing issues inconsistency and some odd writing in places but overall i feel the positives outweigh the#negatives by a substantial margin and don't ruin the show for me at all#i went into geats with low expectations but i had so much fun watching it and i absolutely adore the characters#it's kind of like revice in that it could be very hit or miss depending on a number of things but for me it's a hit just as revice is#i think the suit designs are beautiful the fight scenes are fun to watch and the characters each shine individually and together#i think the stylists for this show deserve some praise bc the outfits were so nice and fit each character so well#i actually really liked the later arcs even though the pacing is a bit messy i just really like the exploration of atonement and forgivenes#i have a lot more thoughts and still have a lot more geats content to go through but i'll just say i really liked it <3#kr geats lb#kr lb#umbrella.thoughts#umbrella.posts
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weeoo
#this is gonna be me talking in tags today#ive been rather sleep deprived lately trying to keep up with everything around me#and its been taking a toll on my health like#if i go too long like this i tend to feel more lethargic and my allergies kick in#i got a sore throat bc my room has been Freezing and then i get headaches way way easier#often times my face will flush but its just my nose and idk why#well anyways lmao i just aint feelin great due to lack of sleep#so i emailed my teachers and stayed home and others might say this wasnt it#but i can barely get to sleep at all these days and just bed ridding myself#seemed like the only way for my body to be like#'fine 🙄 u can sleep' lmao#thats actually one of the worst symptoms is im restless i just Cant grt to sleep no matter how hard i try#ive had a couple days where i was running on 2-3 hours bc i spent even longer Laying there#anyways i hope this makes a difference im tired of feeling tired and shitty#luckily my mood has weirdly been high#its just my sleep and health that are low#i think when the sleepiest soldiers are unable to get sleep thats when u know smths wrong#i think also so much is happening and me trying to keep up is taking more outta me than i expected#im a gal who gets overwhelmed easily even if im happy w whats happening lmao#tho im not Happy im more In a Good Mood lmao#side tangent but i HATE being an adult who doesnt have like idk Help lmao#like my dad was so nice to me sometimes and helped me sometimes#i could go a whole day sleeping bc id be fucking exhausted#and hed qake me up and ask me when i last ate and if i couldnt decide but itd been too long#hed make smth for the both pf us or hed make it For me and id just be able to like recover lmao#ah adulthood is hard lmao#alright im done#gata#no need to read <3 yall
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#i feel like. um. tours go where the audience is#and uh. perhaps. just a theory. two english speaking youtubers are going to have a larger audience#in western counties and especially english speaking countries#they even only have two shows in the very south of canada#wait dam ni did not know canada's population is TEN times less than the USA. that explains a lot#anyways i was just getting to the point that they definitely have dedicated fans all over the world who would love to see them#and they know that#but they have to consider whether they're going to have 50 people in a theatre or 500#and if they're going to be forcing those 50 people to travel great distances or 500 ppl who live right next door y'know#to be quite frank despite the rennassiance i'd say they're still less popular than at the II era#damn WAD had SIX canada shows something's up with that.... maybe it's just bigger venues#seems like WAD has a lot more shows in a lot of places but i did compare the venues in my area and the TIT one is 2.5x bigger#anyways yeah my own example. i'm not sure if i'll go. even tho i'm watchign them again i'm not a Fan like i was back in 2020#damn THREE shows in florida that's insane. why#but yeah even looking at the USA map there's nothing in the northern midwest#i'm sure there are at least 10 phannise in montana who are scrimping and scraping to travel to washington right now#but the fact of the matter is the northern midwest is the most sparsly populated area of the USA#so it just won't pay off to travel there - even tho the % phannie is probably the same as the rest of the USA#the population is low enough multiply by that % = too few people!#and on the europe map we can see they're only going to northern europe#they're not even going to france or spain#now i'm not an expert in europe but i am under the impression that northern europeans speak more english#so more of them will be fans of english-lanuage dnp#and tbh i think the reason they haven't said anything is um. that they expected people to know this.#dnp#also um. ppl talking about this in context of latin america and asia um there's another big continent missing: africa.#but nobody seems concerned about that one because nobody expects there to be dnp fans there#so like people must understand this to some degree#also if dan lost money on WAD it makes sense they'd be more conservative booking venues#it's entirely reasonable to be heartbroken ofc just saying this bc i saw ppl say The Only Possible Reason is racism
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sunny coming back in 1 week has me feeling a little rabid i cant lie
#i'm surprised bc i didn't feel like this last season#but i also had low expectations#honestly though i think s16 is gonna be good so i'm pretty excited#iasip
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well have had a good first month of 2024 financially where my et//sy shop is concerned at least!!
#helps that i've had no expenses that weren't directly tied towards sales (coupons & shipping labels)#if i made this amount of profit every month i'd be in decent shape for the year. im expecting less next month tho bc inventory* is#getting low. and it'll take me most of feb to replenish it i think#(*inventory of the things that actually sell lol)#anyway. i'll have a class to pay for next month so that'll eat up any profit i've made lolol#might have to order some new shipping boxes at some point but that can probably wait til march. we'll see#next week i get to do my personal budget and that's gonna be atrocious lol#tho very little of that is from like. irresponsible purchases at least
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...
#hello darkness my old friend. I have insomnia again#it seems i wont get back to sleep. making this the 4th night in a row of 4 to 5hrs sleep. woof#is it insomnia or am i on the bleeding edge of hyp0mania? idk its weird. i can feel the strain in my head#my thoughts dont connect as well. its like im being pulled in two directions. my brain becoming spaghettified. growing thin around the#middle. but im not as tired as one might expect. ive been pretty productive and optimistic but anxiety and internal restlessness are up#like im tired but also i need to get up and pace around. maybe jump up and down. maybe run in circles.#the energy comes in waves. sitting in lectures or sitting for the extended addition of l0tr has been somewhat unbearable#bc im so contained. i would not ever get up and walk around while those things were happening but i desperately wanted to#ugh. whats my problem? who's to say. could also b the medication. i see the psychiatrist next week and i think ill beg to b put back on#lam1ctal. just bc when i was taking it on a super low does i had a week or feeling the most normal i think i ever have in my life#anxiety and evil thoughts were so small and i felt happy in a way im not sure i ever have been#like i think under normal circumstances i just have a low capacity for joy. at most i feel neutral. like i was telling my friends how i#might do some field work in winter and they were enthusiastic abt it and i kno y bc it sounds cool but idk i just dont feel anything abt it#i cant see past the pain it will take to get there. and i mean mood wise i feel alright on 4bilify like in a nutral way but stable isnt#the same as feeling happy. but maybe its all just in my head. 25mg lam1ctal shouldnt b enough to b effective#but idk i think im just sensitive to the chemicals in my body. including hormone fluctuations. idk. i hope she lets me switch.#itll b a pain in the ass to readjust in terms of going off what im on now and it might not work#but theres literature on retrying lamicta1 and they say to avoid inflammatory reactions in the first 2 months. which i did not do. oops#not that i was trying. i didnt think abt it until id had a million holes poked in my skin and was experiencing a mild tatt00 allergy#ugh. anyway. tbh id prefer this being hyp0mania vs insomnia bc then at least i can continue to function a bit during the day#ive never done anything that wild while hyp0manic aside from injure myself from over exercising and make bad choices in how i spend time#ie become insane abt something and not b able to think abt anything else. ugh. and i guess at this point ive tentatively accepted the idea#of being bip0lar. so i swear to christ if i was misdiagnosed ill b so mad. its just that if i fill out an 4dhd and bip0lar checklist. i#get a way heavy positive with bip0lar and the 4dhd is meh. so i think i just have overlap in symptoms due to dyslex1a and 4utism#ugh. me and my collection of diagnoses. so it goes#unrelated
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I FINISHED A STUDY IN ICHOR TODAY
I liked it but I wish there was more !!! Even a happy little epilogue 🥹🥹🥹 there are some things I didnt like about it too but it’s more of an ick and a “????” Moment (itd be in the tags so just dont open tags if you dont wanna be spoiled
Now,
ZOOMS TO THE ASII MUSICAL
#a study in ichor#zombies run#i love victorian sam yao#AND ZOE OHHHH#i love them in there#her and phil#amazing#also the ick is uh: maxine is dead and paula started the apocalypse to bring her back ????#and then folded as soon as sam and the others got to her#by folded….. she went kaboom#like??? a lil odd#i mean its the victorian period i knew the times then were Not Good for the Gays#(horrible even)#but i dunno 🤔 i guess i just wish paula had more motiv than a dead gf#maybe she did all dat bc she died of overworking . so paula is like ‘i need to make sure this never happens again’#my expectations are low since its literally 5 episodes#so I guess it gets a Meh pass#maybe if the gays r gonna die let’s give them justifiable deaths i think#dats just me doe 🫡👍#neeks does a talking
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tummy hurts my final message goodbye
#ive had mild pelvic pain for like. half a week now. its a bit like period cramps + in the same area but not as intense. idfk why#I dont think its bowel (<-no other symptoms and pain area is too low down) or bladder related (<- usually more painful + affects peeing)#sometimes I do get cramps a few days before my period but im midway thru my cycle and idk its not usually like this#not ovulation pain either bc thats supposed to only last a few hours. i dont fucking knooooww#im trying not to think abt it or complain abt it bc if i focus on it too much ill imagine its worse than it is. its rly not that bad#just consistent which is annoying. hopefully itll pass in a few more days. adulthood is all abt having mysterious random pains in ur body#sorry for tmi abt my internal bodily functions do u guys still think im cool.#eurghhh. im glad i went out to parkour today but man i rly wasnt feeling like it. another depression weekend :-(#but its ok im a bit tired of complaining abt being depressed. who give a shit. im doing all i can at the moment and thats fine#back to jobhunting tmr hopefully itll be more fruitful. im expecting to hear back from a few ppl. we'll see. rolling my rock back uphill#im gonna go get a hot water bottle i think... my hands are soooo cold and maybe itll soothe tummy pain too#and then read a little more.. finished giovannis room earlier (so fucking good but. devastating) so im back onto deaths end#just another 350 pages to go.. v curious to see where its gonna end up cuz so much crazy shit keeps happening. im just at the fairytales#hope my loyal followers are having a peaceful weekend.... farewell#.diaries
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