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my-reality-my-rules · 2 years

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i know i’m supposed to think of it as getting closer to shifting, but every time i fail and wake up in my CR it just makes me feel sad and like it’s never gonna work. i get symptoms nearly every time i try an awake method and i feel like i’ve gotten pretty close before, but whenever i open my eyes i’m still in my CR. it’s just been especially upsetting lately bc i want to be with my DR friends so badly and i don’t know how to convince myself that shifting is real and not made up and something that i’m capable of :-(

[thanks for this ask!]

first, I'd like to give you ONE BIG WHOLEHEARTED APOLOGY BC THIS HAS BEEN SITTING IN MY DRAFTS SINCE THE START OF THE YEAR AND I TOOK TIME TO ACTUALLY REPLY-

fr tho i am so fucking sorry this took so long

I've been meaning to answer your question for some time now—but didn't know the exact words to give you then. inspiration struck when i was cramming my entrep homework earlier.

so, we've been assigned to watch some videos on successful entrepreneurs, and this is one of the links given to us (you don't really have to watch it). in short, it's an account given by asian entrepreneur Sadira Yeong Min Yi—about her success story, and what it had been like for her. i won't bore you with details, but sometime near the end, she says: 'It is normal to have struggle, despite someone might look very successful on the surface. So I find it very fulfilling for me to show them that it is achievable if you think so, and if you start executing. Failures are bound to happen. It is okay to be afraid, it is okay to have fear.'

it reminded me of your ask. while it's not necessarily the same thing that you've mentioned—the concept still applies.

here's a screenshot of the powerpoint we were given:

see the five aforementioned characteristics of the entrepreneurial mindset—decisiveness, confidence, accountability, resilience, and humility—and note that they can also be applied to shifting in general.

you've done the first part: you've addressed what it was that you felt had been holding you back from shifting. you stated you don't know how to convince yourself it's real, that you can achieve it. the next part would be asking yourself why. is it because you failed to fully shift? the disappointment of waking up here? whatever the reason is, acknowledge it, make your peace with it, and then start with the next two traits.

move with confidence, but take into account everything you do. evaluate the choices that you make, and the things you surround yourself with. do they help, or do they somehow hinder you? cut off toxicities and change bad habits.

then, there comes resilience and humility. admittedly, even at a passing glance, this would be the harder part to do. i myself didn't shift until april of 2021. believe me, it took a lot of patience and much more nights of crying; there will be days where you'd want nothing more than to disappear from this place, only to wake up where you left off the previous day. it grated, but i had to learn how to deal with the dissatisfaction if i truly wished to achieve my goal of shifting.

resilience, but with acceptance. change your mindset, even if it comes slowly.

I'm going to pretend I'm still in your shoes—that i still haven't shifted, and that my mind simply can't accept that i can do it. if it was me, I'd think it's because I'm subconciously resisting the thought of it, thinking that shifting is simply a dream i could never reach.

i have to learn to recognise that thinking about with that perspective gets me nowhere. self-pity gets me nowhere. I'd vent, and I'd cope, but i wouldn't let it blind me. for the most part, if it feels as if the thoughts never abate, then i at least try to think positive about them. yes, they're hindrances, but every mistake is also a lesson—and every lesson is something learned.

go for a breather. a change in scenery, maybe. set aside some tasks. if it feels suffocating, stop, at least for the moment. spiralling won't do you any favours. don't think about your DR for a while. think about here, about the things you love, about the things you can do.

find a support, and lean on it until you become better. heal, if you need it. when it's calm, you can make a more calculated decision. move forward, again, even if things don't come at the pace you want them to. just keep in mind that they will. you're going to work for them and they are going to be yours one day.

be gentle with yourself, but no less honest.

weeks before i actually shifted, i wouldn't have called myself unburdened—but i do remember feeling lighter than i have in months, and that had been borne from an effort of balance.

- - -

here are the main affirmations i use, if they could be of help:

I do not chase. I attract. Everything that belongs to me will simply find me.

What I think, I create. What I feel, I attract. What I imagine, I become.

I build my world with my thoughts.

you can ask yourself, What if I fail?, but what if you don't?

there's no formula for success, because the only constant there is is the mindset that you work with. you need to learn. accept that shifting is not an easy thing to do. if you don't start, how would you know? if you don't take the first step, how would you begin?

#fuck #i am once again apologising for the delay #shifting #shifting realities #reality shifting #desired reality #shift #Esther's shifting posts

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zevlors-tail · 4 years

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Rooftops

Pairing: ProHero!Deku x Reader

Description: Sometimes being a Hero isn’t just fighting villains and rescuing people from burning buildings; sometimes it’s battling demons and rescuing people from themselves instead.

Warnings: Suicidal reader, thoughts of suicide, attempted suicide? (reader doesn’t succeed), trauma bonding, mentions of bullying, little bit of touch starvation? Talks of therapy, decision to try therapy.

A/N: I guess you could say I needed to vent some heavy things. PLEASE do not read this if you are triggered by anything mentioned above. Also, I HC that Midoriya never would have gone through with it, but he might have at one point been in the reader’s position, and I wish they would expand on how what Katsuki said and did to him in middle school affected his life more. I will never be satisfied until we get a proper apology from Bakugou and the two of them sort out their feelings about it, bc you KNOW that had to create some trauma. So I guess this might be sort of a fix-it fic? Also, I’m sorry for the ending, it might be cringe, idk. I can’t help but add fluff to everything I write, apparently. I love Best Boi, what can I say?

You breathed in the cool night air as you leaned against the railing, fingers trembling slightly against the rusty metal. Everything seemed so surreal; the noisy traffic below, the people bustling down streets and alleyways, the dimmed apartment lights from the building across... What did any of it matter? In the grand scheme of things, you were just a small spec of the universe observing all these phenomenons, a waste of space taking up time that could belong to something or someone more useful than your sorry excuse of an existence. That’s what you thought, at least.

You leaned a little farther over and rested your chest against the bars of steel. Would anyone miss you if you were to just...disappear? If you dropped everything and left right now, would anyone care? Would anyone cry for your absence? These were questions you had asked yourself over and over again, and each time you had managed to convince yourself that maybe, just maybe, the answer was yes, someone would care. But each time the questions rolled around in your head, it got harder to convince yourself of that. You found doubts in every corner of your mind, in every crack and crevice of your brain that they could slink into. Quiet at first, but now as loud as a siren, they overwhelmed you and made you believe you were worthless. They beat you down, exhausted you, claimed your once happy spirit and soiled it with numbness and apathy. Those doubts were the reason you wholeheartedly believed that you no longer mattered to anyone.

They were also the reason you were twenty stories up in the air on the roof of your apartment building.

Steeling your nerves and taking a deep breath, you let everything sink in. This was what you were waiting for all these years. All of your life had lead up to this single moment; all of your past mistakes, all of your life decisions, all of the lost friends, your job, your family and their snide remarks, your short comings...and all the rest. It didn’t matter. Every time you blinked, every sneeze, every laugh, whether genuine or fake, didn’t matter. Nothing mattered, including you.

Nothing matters, and no one cares.

And with that final thought, you hoisted yourself up and over the railing, limbs heavy with a dull numbness as you planted your feet loosely on the other side. For a second you balanced yourself, arms outstretched behind you to grip on to the bars for one last fleeting sense of security. Just one more step. But even as you moved forward, you found that your hands seemed to tighten their grip on the steel, and suddenly you felt physical panic despite your mind telling you that this was what you really wanted. It seemed your body was defying your mind.

“I don’t think you want to do that.”

Startled, you stumbled back and tightened your hold on the rails until your knuckles turned white. Were you imagining things, or did you just hear a voice? And if so, who was it and what were they doing all the way up here? Whatever their business was though, it surely had nothing to do with you, right? So why were they meddling in your affairs when you just wanted to be left alone? The thought of it was just a little too much, and you found yourself snapping at whoever was behind you.

“Uh, yeah, I think I do.” It came out more spiteful than you meant it to sound. But then, that was just how you were these days...bitter and cold. All the more reason to end everything.

“Please, just come back over here to the other side of the railing. We can talk if you want, or I can just sit with you, or we can listen to music together if that would help?” The stranger’s voice was gentle and pleading, as if he was afraid to break you if he spoke too loud.

“Just leave me alone! Why do you care anyway?” You stole a glance behind you to get a good look at the person trying to talk you down. The first thing you noticed was the green hair, and then the pair of concerned emerald eyes reflecting back at you. Under those were a set of freckles, giving him an overall boyish look, and finally- his costume. You recognized Japan’s Number One Hero, Deku.

“Because I don’t want to see you get hurt...or worse.” His tone was solemn. “I’m sorry, but I can’t just leave you alone up here. Clearly you had one purpose for coming up here, and I’m not going to let you go through with it.”

For a moment, you felt your heart soar at the possibility that someone cared after all. But just as hope was about to take root and bloom within your chest, it seemed that your mind had other ideas to cut the poor blossom out. As fast as the feeling settled, it was gone, and you reminded yourself that this was his job; he was required to help anyone who he thought might be in trouble. It wasn’t like he really wanted to be up here talking to you.

“What the hell do you know about why I’m up here? And anyways...it’s your job to save people. You don’t have to pretend to care about me. It doesn’t matter if you’re the number one hero or not, you’re still going to forget about me some day or another. A week from now you won’t even think twice about me. I’m forgettable. I don’t matter...not really. So please just leave me be. You’re bothering me.” No matter how hard you tried to keep the anger in your voice, you couldn’t help how it faded with each passing second. It was tiring to keep feeling everything and nothing all at once. You wanted it all to just stop.

There was long moment of silence that passed between the two of you, which you took as a sign that you had been right about everything you had just said. Your anxieties and nerves were starting to get to you by then; you were about to really go through with it and had inched forward slightly when he decided to speak again.

“Once, someone told me to take a swan dive off the roof of my old school.” Your breath hitched as you stopped in your tracks. “I know what it’s like not to be wanted or needed by everyone around you. To feel like a failure, like there’s no hope left... Like you’re not worth saving. But even if you really think and believe all those things you said about yourself, just know that I care. And it’s not because it’s my job to, or because I’m a Pro Hero, or because I just happened to be in the area and saw you up here after my shift ended. It’s because at one point in my life, I could relate to where you are now.”

You were left without words for once as you stood there, wind whipping through your hair and eyes focused on nothing in particular. After the initial shock wore off, you finally turned around to face him. You searched his eyes for any trace of deception, anything to prove that maybe he was lying or just trying to get to you, but all you could find was sincere honesty. And Deku, upon seeing you turn around from the edge of the building, seemed to tense for a second before continuing.

“I climbed up to the top of the school roof that day and when I got up there, I just...stared down. All I could think about at the time was making the pain and the numbness go away. But then I thought of my mom’s face when she would hear the news...and I thought of how I would only be a statistic after that- a number, you know, like the ones I recorded every day in my notebook. But I didn’t want that. I had a name that I loved, a mother waiting for me at home, and a dream I was still holding on to. I realized what I really wanted was to prove everyone wrong, to still become the hero I wanted to be as a little boy. And even more than that, I just wanted the pain to stop. I think that’s what people truly want- just to feel better.” He gave you a small smile and offered a hand to you after that, and you swore his eyes were glistening a little if you looked close enough. “I would care if you were gone. I would think about it every day. I don’t even know your name, but your face is already engraved in my mind. I would have made the biggest mistake of my life had I ended things that day; look at where I am now! If I let someone else take away all their future opportunities and potential life experiences knowing that I could have stopped them, knowing that I didn’t offer them the support I desperately wanted when I was going through it, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

“...you mean that?” You couldn’t help the tremble in your voice.

“Every word. Please, just come back over to this side and talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours. I promise I’ll do my best to help however I can.”

Something pulled at your heartstrings as you listened to him. He had put into words everything you had been feeling these past few months, everything you wanted to express but just couldn’t. Tentatively, you reached out a hand to meet his, and he wasted no time as he wrapped his other arm around your waist and hoisted you back over the railing towards safety and into his arms.

“Oh thank god,” he breathed out. His arm was still wound tight around your waist as he pulled you flush to him and walked you backwards. When the two of you reached the wall of the entryway to the rooftop, he stopped and slid down to the floor with you, a heavy sigh of relief escaping his lips. “Please don’t ever scare me like that again.” You blinked back tears as you leaned into Deku’s tight hug, your arms coming up to wrap around him as well. You couldn’t remember the last time someone had been so loving and caring with you or the last time you had been hugged like this.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you. I’m here.”

That was all it took for the dam inside of you to burst.

Hot tears finally spilled over and soaked Deku’s costume as all the emotions you had been suppressing came back full force. You hid your face in his shirt to try and stifle your cries as much as you could, but it was no use. There was no hiding the turmoil in your soul; all you could do was endure the sadness and frustration while he held you and comforted you. Slowly the reality of the situation started to sink in, and the realization that you almost took your own life hit you full force.

“I...I almost-!” You didn’t have the strength to finish your sentence as you sobbed harder and shook in the hero’s arms. He eventually shifted the two of you around to a more comfortable position and rubbed circles on your shoulder soothingly while you cried, a look of understanding and empathy in his eyes.

“But you didn’t. And you know what that tells me? That despite all those lies you’re telling yourself, there’s still a part of you left that wants to live. There’s still a part of you, no matter how small, that’s holding on to hope that things will get better. Find that feeling deep down inside you, grasp it, and never let go of it. You deserve to exist here. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to wake up each day and live and enjoy life. And I know you probably don’t feel that way right now, but believe me when I say that it’s the truth.” A comfortable silence settled between the two of you as you took a moment to contemplate his words.

“You said we could talk if I wanted to...” you sniffled.

“Sure, we can talk. It doesn’t even have to be about anything in particular. Whatever you want to talk about, I’ll listen.”

So you told him everything. You poured your heart out to someone who was no more than a stranger to you, even if you recognized his face because it was plastered on every poster and broadcasted on every T.V. Even if you knew who Deku was, the person behind the mask was someone else entirely, and it brought a sense of comfort to you to know that a real person was listening to your troubles and caring about them. For once, someone was taking the time to make you a priority, and that was not something you were used to.

“I’m sorry, you’re probably tired of listening to me by now. I can’t believe I dumped all of that on y-” you tried to apologize, but he shook his head and cut you off before you could finish.

“Don’t be. I offered, didn’t I? I genuinely want to hear about what’s troubling you. Everyone deserves to be listened to, especially when they’re hurting. You’re important, and what you have to say is also important. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.”

You blinked up at him with wide eyes. How was he so good at this? A thought crossed your mind then, and you wondered for a brief moment if...had anyone ever listened to him? He had taken the time to calm you down and make you feel important by listening wholeheartedly to everything you had to say. The least you could do was return the favor, right?

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re a really good listener?” you asked, a small but sincere smile on your face.

“Yes, actually. Plenty of times, but I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing it. It just means I’m succeeding at making others feel important, which is what I aim to do, so thank you for that.” He stared up at the night sky, his eyes reflecting the sparkling stars above. They were...so full of life. You found that fact inspiring.

There was a small pause before you asked him another question, hesitance evident in your voice. “Have you...told anyone? About what you said to me earlier, I mean.” It came out more awkward than you intended it to, and he seemed confused about what you were trying to ask.

“About what I said to you earlier?”

“Y-You know, the...rooftop...” you trailed off, not wanting to pry if he didn’t want to talk about it after all. “I’m so sorry, I just assumed since you mentioned it earlier that maybe you wanted to talk about it or something- Ah, I’m making things worse, I’m really sorry!” You ran your hands through your hair, anxiety getting the better of you and making your heart race. Deku shifted slightly beside you but kept his arm around your shoulders, a look of understanding coming over him.

“Oh, that?” He gave a small airy laugh. “While I appreciate the concern, I have a really great therapist. It’s kind of a requirement for Pros; we deal with a lot on the job.”

“...oh.” Oh. Oh. You weren’t sure what you were expecting, but certainly not...that. “Again, I’m sorry if I pried,” you apologized one last time. At the sound of your third ‘I’m sorry’, Deku looked over at you thoughtfully.

“You know, I used to apologize a lot too. Actually, my therapist was the one who got me to kick the bad habit. Speaking of which...” He reached into one of the red pouches on his costume belt and produced a single card between his index and middle finger, the lamination of it emitting a dim glare as he held it out to you. “I think you could really benefit from therapy. I’m not saying that to be rude or anything-!” His face flushed as he tried to explain himself; he didn’t want you to feel like he was dismissing you or that he wasn’t concerned with your issues. “I swear! I just...really think you could use another person in your corner right now. They’re super nice, I promise! I’ll even help you set up an appointment if you want.”

You shrunk a little at the idea of seeing a therapist, but took the card anyway. The writing on the little piece of plastic stared back at you menacingly, an uncomfortable feeling settling in your gut.

Dr. T/N T/L/N Deku Agency Specialist in Psychology Phone: 800-888-8880 Email (Mon-Fri): T/nT/l/[email protected] Office Hours: Mon-Sat, 9am-5pm

As if he could read your turbulent mind, Deku pulled you closer and rested his head against yours. “I know talking to someone else about your problems seems scary at first, but it really helps. If you keep everything bottled up, then those feelings and problems don’t have anywhere to go, and they’ll eat you up on the inside. Therapy gives you a safe way of letting those feelings out and sorting through problems in healthy ways. Of course it’s ultimately your choice, and everybody’s experience differs...but it did help me.”

You considered everything he said, including his offer to help schedule an appointment. If nothing else, you could really use another friend... You pocketed the card and decided to worry about it later; exhaustion was starting to settle in by now, and the air only seemed to get colder by the minute. It had to be past midnight by now.

“Thank you for everything you’ve done. It means a lot to me, truly. I’ll...think about the therapist.”

“I’m glad to hear that. But in the mean time, can I see your phone?” The question caught you off guard and forced you back to the reality of where you were, and what you’d planned to do earlier.

“Uh, well...” you started, “I left it in my apartment. I didn’t think I’d need it up here since... Anyway, I don’t have it on me.” You stared off to the side, not wanting to talk about the subject any longer.

“Do you live around here?”

“Yeah, actually, I live in this apartment building.”

“Oh! Then, I’ll walk with you back to your apartment, since it’s getting kind of cold now. But first...” He whipped out his own phone, opening the contacts app and clicking on the ‘Create New Contact’ option. “What’s your phone number?”

“My phone number?” You stared at him, dumbfounded.

“Yeah, so I can text you and call you. I’d like to be friends, if that’s okay?” He gave you a shy smile with a faint blush, and it was hard not to burst into tears again.

A friend. You had made a new friend. One that cared about you, that wanted to make sure you were okay, that would put in time and effort to talk to you and see you. You could hardly believe it.

“Really?”

“Of course! Sooo, can I have it, then? Oh, and I guess I’ll need your name at some point too, huh?” he teased, a playful glint in his eyes.

“It’s Y/N,” you stated happily.

You immediately gave your number to him, and then the two of you stood to go back inside. He helped you up and held the door open for you, and from there you took the stairs back to your apartment. You made small talk on the way back, and things finally started to feel normal to you for once. But as soon as you turned down the hall that led to your apartment door, you started to feel it; that familiar sinking feeling was creeping in, apathy and the sense of nothingness overwhelming you again. The night was finally coming to an end. You would go back to your apartment, and things would go back to normal, and Deku would probably forget that you even existed. He said he would text, but would he really? He was so busy with hero work, and you half expected things to go back to the way they would be. What if nothing changed? What if you went back to feeling numb? What if everything that happened tonight didn’t really matter? What would you do?

“Whoah, Y/N, slow down. Everything’s gonna be alright.”

Huh? Shit! Had you said all that out loud?

You panicked as you stared at your door. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t-”

“Hey, look at me.” He cupped your face between his hands, tilting your head up to meet his concerned gaze. “Everything will be okay. But these kinds of problems don’t just disappear over night, they need time, and sometimes some outside help from others. I promise to keep in touch with you. I want to make sure you’re okay, and I’d like to get to know you better too. Maybe I can introduce you to my friends? They’re really great people, and they would make you feel right at home. But for now, let’s just focus on one thing, okay? Let’s get you settled back into your apartment for the night.” He ruffled the top of your head softly, and while others might have taken the gesture as offensive or belittling, you were just glad to have felt his warm touch.

“Okay,” you agreed quietly, and you twisted the handle to the door, which you remembered you had left unlocked.

The small apartment greeted you with familiar darkness, that is, until Deku flipped your light switch and the few lamps you had lit up the living room. He let himself in and shut the door behind the two of you, earning a surprised look from you and giving you an apologetic look of his own. “I don’t mean to intrude...I just...” He looked like he was choking over his own words. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to let you be alone right now...but if you want me to leave, then-”

“I don’t want to be alone either,” you were quick to cut him off. You had wanted to invite him to stay, but you also didn’t want to overstep any boundaries. However, it seemed like he beat you to the punch. “I don’t mind you staying. Besides, it’s late, and you look tired. The couch pulls out into a bed; let me get you some extra blankets.”

You tried your best to be hospitable, even with him insisting that you didn’t need to and that he could just crash in the comfy clothes he wore under his costume. You didn’t have any extra clothes for him, but at least you could give him a pillow and a blanket. As you went to fetch those, you also grabbed your phone from your desk and dropped it next to him on the makeshift bed. He took the liberty of entering his phone number and his real name into your contacts before passing it back.

“No way, you like All Might too?” he asked as you handed him the themed blanket. “This is the same exact blanket I have at home!” A wide grin came over him as he cuddled into it.

His enthusiasm made you laugh a little as you tossed him the pillow. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.” You started to walk away to your bedroom, and as you were about to turn the lights out, he stopped you.

“Hey, Y/N.”

“Did you need something?”

He peeked his head over the edge of the couch. “I just realized I never gave you my name. You can call me Izuku, if you want. Since, we’re friends now, and all.”

“Izuku,” you echoed, “I’m really glad I met you.” And you meant it.

“Yeah, me too.” A moment of silence. “That I met you, I mean! I’m glad I met you too!”

You smiled and turned the lights out. “I’m gonna head to bed.” You hesitated a bit to ask him the question burning at the back of your mind, but your anxiety forced you to ask anyway, the fear of not knowing eating at you. “Will you still be here tomorrow morning?”

He answered you right away and gave you a reassuring look. “I’m off work tomorrow, and I don’t have any plans, so I won’t be going anywhere unless you want me to.”

“Okay. Goodnight, Izuku.”

“Sweet dreams, Y/N.”

You let out a breath you hadn’t realized you were holding for so long, and with that, you made your way to your bedroom and changed into your favorite pajamas. The card that Izuku had given you earlier dropped to the floor while you were changing, and you picked it up carefully before reading it over again. Maybe...it was worth a shot. You had a lot you were dealing with, and the idea that you could talk to someone about it without being judged or made fun of almost sounded too good to be true. Sure, you had Izuku now, but you knew realistically he wasn’t going to be around all the time. You were tired of feeling like you were always alone, tired of feeling everything and nothing all at once, tired in general. It was all so exhausting. And he had said the therapist was nice...

You crawled into bed with your phone and pulled the covers over yourself. The home screen lit up the room as you opened your contacts and scrolled, looking for one name in particular. You tapped on his name and the familiar conversation screen appeared, the little vertical line blinking at you repeatedly as you worked up the courage to type out your message. Finally, your fingers flew across the keys, and you hit send before you could think twice about it.

Y/N: I think I want to schedule an appointment with the therapist. Can you help? 1:34am

It didn’t take long for you to get a response.

Izuku: Of course. I can contact them tomorrow, if you’d like? 1:34am

Y/N: I’d like that a lot. Thank you, Izuku. 1:35am

Izuku: Are you alright? If you need anything, come get me. I won’t mind. 1:35am

Y/N: I really appreciate that. I’m doing a little better. I’ll let you know if I need something. 1:35am

Izuku: Promise? 1:35am

Y/N: I promise. 1:36am

#tw: suicidal thoughts #tw: suicide attempt #tw: bullying mention #izuku midoriya #izuku #midoriya #izuku x reader #izuku midoriya x reader #bnha #mha #my hero academia #angst #fluff #comfort #izuku comfort #bnha izuku #midoriya x reader

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inosukki · 4 years

Text

jealous, various characters.

synopsis: how your boyfriend would react to his teammates seeing you in a bikini!

includes: bokuto koutarou, kuroo tetsurou, and semi eita.

bokuto koutarou

two words: emo mode😃

when bokuto invited you to the beach with his teammates, you were hesitant to accept

the only person you knew somewhat personally was akaashi, since you three would hangout all the time

plus, you were basically the polar opposite of bokuto, which meant that you didn’t immediately warm up to people

but he practically begged you to go and how could you say no to that cute face🥺

currently, you were sprawled out on the towel you brought for yourself and bokuto, clad in jean shorts and a t-shirt

you were sweating buckets so you decided to undress, you had a bikini underneath your clothes anyways

and the guys were playing beach volleyball, so it’s not like anyone was gonna notice... right?

well after you’d taken off your top and began to pull your shorts down your thighs, you could hear the entire team making their way over to you (as you all had set up your belongings in the same area)

quickly, you slipped off your shorts and sat criss cross on the towel

“[Y/NNNNN]!” a loud, whining voice called out

without giving you anytime to process, bokuto threw himself on top of you, causing you to fall over

“i’m thirstyyyy” he cried, pressing his face into your neck

your eyes widened at the display of affection, gently pushing him away

“idiot... you’re lucky i brought you a drink.” you teased, handing him the bottle of pocari sweat from your purse

“AHHAHHAHA LOOK!!! MY GIRLFRIEND BROUGHT ME A DRINK! YOU GUYS DON’T HAVE GIRLFRIENDS THAT BRING YOU DRINKS!”

just smile politely y’all. we’re witnessing mental illness❤️

you looked at him like🤨🤨 wondering wtf possessed him to even say that

as he sipped happily on the sports drink, hand snakes around your waist and ranting to akaashi about something you couldn’t quite catch, you observed the rest of his team sitting on their towels and gulping down their own drinks

“aaah, i forgot to bring my water and i don’t have any money...” your ears perked up at the sound of the person’s voice

you scanned the area, eyes falling upon wataru, who was empty handed. you felt bad

should i give him a drink?, you thought, mulling the idea over

it was hot and he had just played beach volleyball (which was much more tiring than regular volleyball) in the scorching sun...

it was as if your feet were moving on their own as you grabbed the bottled drink and moved away from bokuto’s grasp, not stopping until you reached your kouhai

“wataru-kun?” you mumbled quietly

his eyes trailed your exposed skin until reaching yours

you didn’t notice how the tips of his ears began to blush, or how his entire face was red

probably because yours was too... not because of him, but because that’s what happened when you talked to anyone who wasn’t in your immediate circle

you also didn’t notice how he was no longer looking into your eyes, but an area just below them

“eh... i heard you say that you forgot to bring a drink and i had an extra so... here you go!”

you extended your arm, waiting for him to accept it

you waited... and waited... and waited...

“wataru-kun?” you questioned, lowering your hand. god, did you just embarrass yourself?

it wasn’t until another first year (anahori, was it?) slapped the back of his head that he responded

“ah-thank you, [l/n]-senpai!” he blurted, grabbing the drink from your hand

you smiled, happily walking back to your seat

wait, where was bokuto?

you scanned the area to find bokuto a few feet away from his original spot, curled into himself and staring at the ocean

oh god, he was in his emo mode

“eh... akaashi? what happened to bokuto?” you whispered as to not alarm your boyfriend who could probably still here you

“wataru was staring at your chest and he got upset.” he replied in a monotonous tone

“AKAASHI!” you screeched, punching him in the shoulder. “why do you say things so bluntly? i’m going to go see if he’s ok.”

still embarrassed, you unconsciously crossed your arms

as you approached bokuto, you could practically feel the gloomy aura surrounding his form

“bokuto? are you alright?”

“i am a failure.”

HUH😀

“what? what do you mean?”

he turned to look at you, incredibly small and fully white eyes staring into your own

“another man was looking at my girlfriend inappropriately and i did nothing to stop it... i am a failure... you should breakup with me now.”

AHDJSJFKF WHAT KIND OF LOGIC???

“man...? wataru-kun is a first year, bokuto. he’s 15. a child. and i’m sure he didn’t mean to offend me, i didn’t even notice. if he had given me any trouble i could have handled it myself.”

your words fell on deaf ears as bokuto day in silence, resembling the 😞 emoji

you reached your hands to cup his face, but he turned around dramatically

“don’t look at me, this is the face of a loser!”

ok now you were a little annoyed

you forcefully grabbed his face and turned it towards your own with such ferocity that bokuto thought he’d gotten whiplash

“BOKUTO, you’re my boyfriend. my handsome, talented, amazing, boyfriend. you’re one of the top five aces in the country. wataru-kun doesn’t even compare to someone like you. he’s just a boy, go out there and show him what a man is! how scary and powerful his captain is!”

in a flash, the dark and gloomy aura dissapeared and was replaced by bokuto’s usually energetic and friendly air

“HEY HEY HEY, YOU’RE RIGHT. I AM THE BEST! I’M GONNA GO KICK HIS ASS IN YOUR HONOR!”

“bokuto that’s not what i meant—no!—BOKUTO!”

kuroo tetsurou

idk how to write for him lol😹👍

but i’ll try

so background😼 you’re like the unofficial manager of nekoma

you bring everyone protein bars and sports drinks and stay after practice to help pick up stray balls and do other ~managery~ stuff

EVERYONE LOVES YOU

lev calls you mom (he’s secretly your favorite)

yaku listens to you when you tell him to go easy on lev

taketora worships the ground you walk on (simp🙄🙄)

you call kenma your son but he glares at you when you do😹 (😿) big sad

(idk the other characters LOL)

everyone practically begs kuroo to invite you (which he was going to do anyway bc mf loves you duh)

so when he does your just like... um ofc u utter fool

lev had already told you about it when you were helping him practice his spikes so if kuroo didn’t invite you you would have shown up unannounced

but ngl you were lowkey feeling used bc after you accepted he told you that he’d gonna need the keys to your parents’ van bc it was the only car that could fit all of you in it

whatever you’re just happy to be there😋

you sat up in the front while kuroo drove, drumming your fingers against his thigh

“hey kuroo are we there yet”

“[y/n]... just look up what’s the point of asking”

when you guys arrived you and lev ZOOMED towards the beach to see who could make it there first

he won sadly :/

everyone else joined you so you guys began setting up

they were laying their towels on the sand, dropping their bags, and taking off their shirts

kenma kept his shirt on and was just on his switch the entire time

well everyone else was changing so you should too right🤩

you took off you swimsuit cover up and tossed it aside

and just when you did you heard the sound of squelching and a weight fall onto the floor

“TORA?? TORA ARE YOU OK”

tora’s nose was bleeding and he was twitching on the floor

AND NO ONE WAS ACKNOWLEDGING IT... LIKE IS HE OK

when you bent down to check on him his eyes widened, refusing to make eye contact

they were making contact with something else❤️

but he immediately corrected himself and closed his eyes

he might be a simp but he’s not a perv

you looked towards kuroo who was a few feet behind you expecting him to be mad or protective or whatever

but mf was laughing

LAUGHING

“oh god, that’s so pathetic! imagine fainting at the sight of boobs” he was dry heaving, hands on his knees as he doubled over

he didn’t give af🖕🖕 f u kuroo

semi eita

ion know how to write for this mf either

with semi, he hadn’t thought of inviting you to the beach with his teammates

he’d assumed it was team bonding/extra practice after their loss at the hands of karasuno

when in reality it was actually just a day off to have fun and forget about volleyball even if it was just for a few hours

tendou, your best friend, was the one to invite you

“come on, [y/n]! it’ll be fun! you don’t even have to go in the ocean if you don’t want to.”

you rolled your eyes, scoffing at the suggestion

“of course i’m going in the ocean, idiot. i’m not just going to watch you all have fun.”

his mischievous red eyes lit up

“perfect! i’ll pick you up from your dorm on saturday at two. make sure your ready.”

and that was that

tendou had picked you up as promised and the two of you made your way to the beach together

the sun was relentlessly beating down on you two, so by the time you had reached your destination, you were already sweating

“ugh,” you whined in displeasure. “my skin’s already starting to feel hot. i’m just going to change here, ‘kay?”

“good idea” he responded, taking off his shirt

you stripped down to your bikini and stuffed your clothes in your bag, wiping the sweat from your forehead.

a low whistle sounded from tendou

“wow, [y/n]! look at you, semi is going to just eat you up!”

you scoffed, punching him in the stomach. even though you knew he didn’t mean it in a suggestive way, you hated when he teased you. he knew just how to push you buttons.

“i will literally kill you. now lets go meet up with the others, creep.”

he chuckled, but followed you nonetheless.

you smiled as you saw the entire shiratorizawa volleyball team sat in a circle, enjoying a picnic

“hey, you guys started eating without us?” tendou cried, rushing past you to seat himself next to ushijima

“well you’re late, you deserve it.” yamagata uttered, not taking his eyes off of his food

you walked past the team, responding to their greetings with a smile and wave before stopping behind semi, lowering yourself to wrap your arms around him

“hello, eita!” you grinned, pressing a light kiss to his temple

he immediately stiffened against the abrupt touch, softening when he recognized that it was you

“[y/n]? what are you doing here?” he was thoroughly confused, turning his whole body to you

“tendou invited me! why do you not want me here?” you pouted, placing your hands on your thighs

at the suggestion he was immediately reduced to a stuttering mess. his usually stoic attitude was replaced by nervousness and defensiveness

“o-of course not! i just assumed only the team was coming. i’m glad you’re here, promise.”

his seriousness always made you laugh, maybe that’s why you loved teasing him

“i’m just fucking with you, eita.”

his automatic response was: “oh, well then eat shit.”

LMFAOOOO there’s the guy you know and love

you were about to slide in between eita and shirabu when you felt a pair of wandering eyes to your right

shirabu was... checking you out??? HUH

he didn’t even notice you were looking at him because he was looking straight at your thighs

MF EVEN LEANED BACKWARDS TO LOOK AT YOUR BUTT

you weren’t even offended because this was the funniest shit you had witnessed in your life

the kid that your boyfriend hated with his entire being was literally checking you out in front of him

before you could form a sentence that would surely embarrass the setter, you heard your boyfriend screaming and lunging at shirabu

“HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING YOU DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE SHIT? I’LL KILL YOU!”

“HUH? g-get off me! what are you doing?”

what da fawk😃

you immediately grabbed eita by his arm and pulled him away from the lowerclassmen, a shocked expression adorning your face

he was practically fuming, if you were in a cartoon, steam would’ve been blowing out of his ears by now. his eyes ripped themselves from shirabu’s cowering form and were now focused on you

“you were just letting him look at you! i saw you!”

NOT HIM TRYING TO BLAME THIS ON YOU

“well i was gonna tell him off before you acted like a fucking psycho... which was funny as fuck by the way.”

“it was not funny” he growled, folding his arms over his chest.

“it was too! as much as i enjoyed that, please never do it again. i can take care of myself, okay?”

he rolled his eyes but nodded nonetheless, earning a chaste kiss on the cheek

you thought that was the end of it but he stood up, grabbed your wrist, and dragged you away from his team

“we’re going somewhere private. now.”

time for the vaccum seal two handed twist gawk gawk wombo combo🥵🥵

[a/n]: this was requested and i wasn’t sure if you meant that you wanted random beachgoers to be staring at the reader so i just made a teammates do it hehe <3 WHY DID I MAKE THEM TOXIC AND WHY IS MY WRITING STYLE ALL OVER THE PLACE LMFAOO😹👍

#haikyuu imagine #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #kuroo tetsuro imagine #kuroo tetsuro imagines #kuroo tetsuro x reader #semi eita imagine #semi eita imagines #semi eita x reader #bokuto koutarou imagine #bokuto koutarou imagines #bokuto koutarou x reader

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londonparker · 3 years

Text

The perfect song

One shot

A fine morning had dawned

as I yawned and stretched in

my bed to take on the new morning

I heard my phone go off to see

a notification from Tom who

is my best friend

I’ve liked him for a really

long time but everything I

try to confess my love to

him it never ends up happening

I either freeze or someone calls,

Interrupts or I’m to soft when speaking

having to rethink what I tried to say

I am a singer and have a good amount

of influence and a few songs already

on Spotify, Apple Music, SoundCloud etc.

I thought that since expressing my feelings

verbally never seems to go to plan I’d write

a song right?

~~~~

I had checked the message that I was

sent “hey y/n! I was wondering if you

wanted to come over to my place later

today and watch a movie?”

Tom and I always watch movies

together it’s every Saturday we get

together and do something

~~~~~

In the UK I am a very well known

singer and keep making myself

well known around the world with a

little help from Tom

I’ve also done a few acting jobs as

extras to earn a little more every

now and then

~~~~~

I eventually got out of bed

and had a shower. As soon as I

got out I had responded to Tom telling

him I’d see him later around 7pm

I got dressed and headed downstairs

to eat some breakfast and start on the

song I had planned to do about my

feelings towards Tom

I spent the next 2 hours

perfecting my song for Tom

before heading out the door

I made my way to the recording

studio I record my songs out and

saw my producers there

I had told him about the idea and

he was all for it….

I wasn’t sure if I were to publish

it for everyone to listen to but to

practice It over and over again

I have a gift of learning tunes and

my music pretty quick I’d I set my mind

to it

I had used the piano in the studio and

and practiced the lyrics over and over

until I felt comfortable with the tune and

notes that I had sang and when I was

I let it all out

I thought the song was beautiful and

a true story of my feelings towards

my mate

I had stayed there the whole day

until I left to go to Tom’s and hang

out!

I left the studio round 6:25 pm

giving me just over 30 minutes to get

there

I parked outside his garage and

took a deep breath before getting out

my car and walking over to the front door

I had rung the bell to see Tom with a

smile on his face as I went in for a hug

He invited me inside as the movie

was already set up

y-aww it’s already ready

t-yeah I’m feeling extra excited

today

y-why is that?

t-your producer called and said

that your working on a new song

right!

oh shit-

y-um yeah I am but

t-but?

y-I don’t know if I’ll

publish this one..

t-what why not.

Bc it’s about you! Well that’s

what I wanted to say

y-because it’s about Tessa?

I had said that with a failure

to keep a confident tone and of course

a stupid thought why the fuck would

Tom believe that?

t-okay then…

shit- he doesn’t believe

t-umm anyways let’s go

see the movie yeah?

y-mhm! Yes, let’s go!

t-great! I got popcorn

a bit of chocolate and drinks

y-perfect!

t-cool

y-may I ask what are we watching?

t- primal fear!

y-yeah okay got it

If you were wondering primal

fear is Tom’s absolute favorite movie

and we see it at least once every 2 months

which is fine

We sat snug on the couch with a

blanket as I rest my head on his

shoulder

As we were about to start the

movie he got a phone call and

had to take it

He sat up and left near the

entrance and sat on the stairs

while he too the call

I sat on the couch for a good

20 minutes before getting bored

I made my way through the house

to a piano he had specifically for

me and next to it on the wall was

his guitar that he now uses

I started playing a tune which

lead into my song that I had

written about him and without

hesitation I started to sing

(Ya’ll don’t blame me for my song

lyrics I didn’t say I was good at it :/ )

“Do you now how you make

me feel?”

“Whenever your hear it’s a good

time”

“I want to stay with you till the

end of time ”

“Listening to your voice gives me

butterflies”

“I know your always on my mind”

“I want to be with you for the rest

of my life!”

“Oh Tom it’s you!”

And so forth as it went along

And I tell you I didn’t hold back!

I sang that song like I was at a concert

loud, proud and happy

As soon as I had finished the song

the entire house fell quiet

I had then taken a deep breath and

sighed as I exhaled

t-wow

I then spring up with my hands

behind my back

t-that sing isn’t about Tessa

is it?

y-…

t-it’s beautiful

y-Tom I’m so sorry

t-for?

y-do you uh…

t-feel the same way?

y-yeah?

t-if I kissed you would

that answer you question?

He then pulled me closer and

our lips smashed together, melting

into his lips I left reality just thinking

about Tom in that moment

He pulled away

t-oh I’m sorry I didn’t even ask-

I then cut him off by giving him

another kiss pulling away one last

time to see him smiling back at me

t-I really like you y/n

y-I like you way more!

t-damn you got me good

~Aesthetic~

#short story #tom holland #love story #tom holland x you #spiderman #british #london #peter parker #pov #date single #actor #london boy

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whoslaurapalmer · 3 years

Text

utena manga AND adolescence manga!!!! the longest of any of my utena posts why did i have so much to say.

-i do have to say that the box set is amazing. i’ve never owned hardcover manga before!! and the art is really beautiful and i love all the color illustrations....... -also came with a poster!! but i, don’t particularly want naked utena and anthy on my wall.

-i always love utena, so much -“it’s not shocking pink, it’s rose! it’s a nice color. i picked it out, after all.” babygirl (-omg the explanation that there is a list of stylists that she could get uniforms from and at least she picked one on the list) -poor kaido.......he’s the true Pre-Series Friend Who Shows Up In The First Episode And Is Never Heard From Again Once The Plot Kicks In

-i like that the manga has an explanation of how utena found ohtori academy because, you do wonder -- but i also like how she’s just There in the anime, with absolutely no explanation of how she got There, she’s just There and maybe she’s always been there!, re: time, it ultimately doesn’t matter, it’s where she wound up regardless -the.......floaty dreaminess of it......... -uggg wait especially because even though it has been akio manipulating her around all this time she still doesn’t truly go to ohtori because of akio she goes because of anthy

-i’m. look i don’t even want to say it cause this is a straight-up terrible nickname and i am in pain over it but i have to say something -mr -mr l -mr -licky -lick -i have to wonder how other people have translated that

-me: hey that looks like he licked the tears off her face??? utena: i named him -- the narrator living inside my brain: and at that moment lulu vandelay considered launching a book across the room for the first time in her twenty-six years of life

-you know utena if your aunt got transfered to amsterdam, you still would’ve wound up at an ohtori academy -what even happens at the ohtori in amsterdam?????????????? -what -do they do an exchange program?? do they ever get anyone back??? is amsterdam also creating a world?????? or are they fine over there??? -is it alt universe ohtori????

-chu-chu is so fluffy!!!! so soft.......big squish........huggable............ -anthy making him a tie because she felt bad about him not wearing anything!!!!

-THE MANGA MOVES VERY FAST HONESTLY -especially because i hit a point where i too was reading as fast as possible to get through it but there was still SO MUCH

-no nanami????? no nanami at all??????? except for that one picture of her??????? -no??????? -look. i really love nanami and i didn’t realize how much i really liked her until she wasn’t there :( cause i liked her in the first place but i miss all her antics :( and i liked where her character arc went a lot :( -she’s very loud about this but she’s really just that tumblr post that’s like ‘i put ‘i love salsa’ in the chat and no one said anything and i wondered if salsa had killed a parent or if salsa ever really existed’ and that’s relatable -and the second-guessing embarrassment of every single thing in your life and yet the commitment to radical high-and-mighty confidence about the same exact things to compensate??? good for her!!!!

-utena, with the power of dios: i can see every move! me: wow didn’t know dios had the sharingan

-INTRIGUED actually by touga having. a secret room with a big fucking calendar with zodiac symbols and all the fights predetermined -like there’s something super interesting about that -like...... -on one hand a physical representation of The Plot Being Controlled. The Plot Has A Map Now. on the other hand, touga has to write it all down like a nerd bc he’s not akio and has no sway himself over the narrative and he needs a reference

-i’m absolutely fascinated by how a group of people can come together and create The Same Story that is so different in the manga and the anime..... -just. how -in a good way and a bad way. in the good way, how do you collaborate with people like that????? in the bad way, how do you create two completely separate thematic takes on the same story -with so many of the same base scenes!!!! they go completely different ways!!!!! i’m!!!!!!!!!!!!

-oh i do love the character profiles. i like knowing birthdays!!

-akio grabbing utena because he thought she was anthy

-it fucking goes from. ‘everyone in this manga wants to fuck touga’ to ‘everyone in this manga will support utena, EVEN TOUGA?????’ like wow -he’s just.........living with them..................................... -like a creep -AND HE JUST GIVES UP THE STUDENT COUNCIL PRESIDENCY THAT’S THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING -doesn’t take much to get them to break the system down here but they’re still not breaking the system down here -oh my god it’s like the sad lemon man movie speedrunning the first 3 books and hitting the plot notes with none of the substantial theme -it’s just, i don’t think the manga is completely terrible, like i think there are some interesting moments but i also know the common perception is The Manga Is Terrible? so i’m like. do i pick out the interesting things and try and give them meaning? or do i just. wholesale agree that this is, on a whole other thematic plane and terrible (-my whole life is ‘i should be able to make my own opinion on something!’ vs ‘but i like to read other people’s opinions to make sure i don’t miss anything but that should not replace my own capacity for critical thought which i am clearly capable of and did a great deal of work on as a lit major!!’) (oh this is anxiety.) (it’s a lot of ‘i don’t want to misinterpret this in any way because that is a failure on my part so i’m digging around for explanations’ oh that’s still anxiety.)

-i mean. the emphasis on ‘friendship’ more than anything with anthy is, disappointing, but i DO also like utena trying to get anthy to make friends and that anthy’s first instinct is to take after wakaba because that’s super cute

-chu-chu narrating the curry story!! -he’s just such a sweet bean.

-utena: akio? the devil, lucifer? me, reigning my brain back in as it shoots into hyperdrive: okay lulu you’re right about the tarot symbolism but now is not the time, bring it back, girl (......utena’s the fool nemuro hall is the tower the car at the end of the movie is the world anthy stabbing utena is the ten of swords (not in the sense of betrayal but in the end of the cycle/story portrayed in the swords suit)) (ANYWAY)

-and then touga still somehow stays at the center of the story and utena relies on him....... -there’s a bigger reliance on men in the manga that is not, challenged at all, re: touga and dios -but at least akio’s still a full-on creep -actually i think he unsettled me just a smidge more which was a big accomplishment, considering the time i almost fell over furniture

-me: oh my god are utena and anthy gonna switch places??? me: NOOOOOOO -anthy’s coffin breaking because utena puts the ring back on....... -but, like........dios is completely incapable of action as well and utena doesn’t need him to rescue anthy -dios is more some ethereal grand thing here instead of an idealized past self that akio has lost access to and can never regain and was never truly good in the first place -although utena and anthy switching is, interesting. reinforces akio making utena a princess when again she’s neither and it’s.......a little “in the end, girls are all like rose brides” and women are manipulated around by men, but also, kind of loses what anthy holding the swords meant in the first place?

-touga: you have to do it, utena me: touga stop trying to steal the scene. get out. get out now

-THE CASTLE IS REAL?????????????????????????

-okay the absolute roller coaster between ‘he’s gonna kill dios????’ ‘that’s the manga backstory?????’ ‘DIOS IS JUST DEAD NOW????’ ‘NO HE WAS STILL DIOS THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!!’ -oh but you know you could read it as a, killing your past self sort of thing -...........although that doesn’t really vibe here, does it

-i think them being specifically ‘gods’ takes away from just the, cycle of humanity kind of thing........ -it’s so pleasantly vague in the anime because how dios came to be Dios and why anthy had to put a stop to it just doesn’t matter. it’s not what matters. it’s not what’s important. the fact that it happened at all is what matters. -and somehow he still wasn’t dios the whole time!!!!! -“she kept his sword in her bosom, one last token of her love!” that’s an.........interesting way to put it -i mean, yeah maybe?? but also, no??????????????????????????????

-anthy’s kind of, watered down a little in the manga too, in a way? -STABBING UTENA WAS SO IMPORTANT TOO

-noooooo where are my girls learning that it’s not about being a prince and that it’s just genuine love and being there for someone -i mean i guess the love is here but. “i must be the prince myself” no!!!! noooooooooo -you know what i don’t even want to THINK about akio and utena..........like that

-AND THERE’S STILL TOUGA!!! IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL!!!!!!!!!! TOUGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA -anthy: /wearing utena’s uniform me: /staring into the camera like i’m on the office

-like...............well that just continues the cycle then, doesn’t it, in a way -which, is its own kind of story.............. -and i guess you could also make a case for ‘well no one’s immediately recovered right after a story that takes time and it’s not always perfect and that could involve anthy emulating utena’ -BUT NO!!!! NO??????? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -i think that’s giving the manga too much credit considering how much it forced ‘the prince’ at the end!!!!!!!! -i get it. i get the ‘the manga is terrible.’ i see you. -it wasn’t, completely terrible, but, wow. i get it.

-okay hold on i still have two side stories before adolescence

-OH ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? ONCE AGAIN I HAVE TO DEAL WITH RUKA -WAS IT NOT ENOUGH THAT I HAVE ALREADY SUFFERED -ruka i still hate you. that’s all i have to say on that

-and black rose arc condensed to thirty pages???? -the way mikage acts towards mamiya is like. blatantly creepy in the anime but i didn’t think it was here???? rude. -anthy and utena holding hands after it, though.......

-OKAY, adolescence -i feel like, i was unduly harsh on the movie...... -mostly because i was reading the youtube comments on the dub before i watched and people were talking about how terrible the dub was (i did not watch the dub) -and i knew about the car and i was just really thrown by the car. the cars. just. unexpected -but if the manga speedruns in a bad way the movie speedruns in a way that not only hit the plot elements but picked up a lot of the thematic elements as well!! -i mean every arc was touched upon in some way! even the black rose arc! -which haunts me, regularly. -also i am forever going to be thinking about the fwwm parallel like damn -it really was a good time....... -oh! this in particular was why i was a little concerned about missing anything in thinking about the manga -like...is this a bad character choice in good writing, or is this a bad character choice in bad writing? sometimes i’m not always great at that

-anyway. -the manga was really mostly the same except somehow touga was more uncomfortable, there were no cars, and utena and touga had sex uggg -god i SWEAR when i was flipping through last week i saw a car though. i swear???? i thought i did????? -guess i didn’t!!

-touga: as long as you keep me there in your heart, i can continue to exist like this. i can stay at this school for all eternity. me: The Grief™ vs ohtori academy doing its thing vs I HATE THIS AAAAAAAAA

-anthy, to akio: be gone! you’re only in my mind! me: oh that’s a powerful statement though. re: like, how akio keeps anthy

-what i DID really really love was the little scene at the end with anthy and utena out of ohtori and older in a planetarium theater after everything and being cute on a date (with chu-chu!) and that that’s how it ends (even if utena was still thinking about touga) with them holding hands walking out............... -the softness!!!! 💖💖

#lulu talks about utena

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katzuyas · 4 years

Note

hi hello i’ve never seen yuri on ice but i’ve heard of it before and briefly know what it is about but i just wanted to ask if it’s worth a watch. i don’t watch anime but i’ve been craving some good mlm content but i don’t know if yoi is good mlm rep or if it’s hyped up by fetishizers or something like that. do you think i should give it a try??

this is a difficult question you’re asking, but short answer? yes, you should watch it.

long answer?

there’s so many different voices saying that yoi is queerbaiting, that it isn’t explicitly stated that the main characters are in love or together, that the relationship between yuuri and victor is toxic etc. etc. and I won’t say these voices are wrong. I won’t say I’m right in saying all those things have no valid ground in the content itself. because it may feel like that to me, but to someone who has been looking for open representation, for love loud and proud, it might feel not clear enough.

consuming a media is a primarily a personal experience. how you receive it is up to you. if you go into something with different expectations, you can be disappointed. if you go into something with no expectations at all, you can be pleasantly surprised, or even - as we have been in this fandom while yoi was still airing - blown away by what you see. perhaps most of yoi’s success lies there, in that element of surprise that you can only experience just that one time: when you watch it for the first time.

I’m honestly not sure if yoi is the best way to start watching anime, since there is so many subtleties that are at play in this show. I don’t know what you mean by good rep, either. it’s another personal distinction since we don’t really have any guidelines to what “good rep” means. it can really be anything you say it is. I don’t know if you think along the lines of e.g. love, simon or autoboyography or red, white and royal blue or what else. I don’t know your standards.

I can only speak for myself and to me, personally, yoi is not an anime focused on mlm. I feel like it’s marketed this way only in western culture to monetize on that, which is just yikes. back when yoi was airing, we only knew it was going to be a sports series. that’s all it was for so many of us, and that’s still what it is, primarily. it’s a sports series about the struggles of competitive figure skating. it’s a series about finding lost passion and a love, a drive for something you once loved but could never truly hold close. it’s so much more than just two guys being lovey-dovey and dramatic like most romance focused media are. thinking that yoi as just a mlm series takes so much depth from it. victuuri’s love plays a second, a third part of the story, and if you’re in it only for that then you’re setting yourself up for a failure even before you hit play.

also, I’m not trying to invalidate mlm at all. in fact, I’m so happy that more and more shows are created where this, two men loving each other, is treated in such an every-day way. not like the yaoi of old days where they had to hide their relationship, not like the romances full of teen drama and themes that make us cringe, but in a way where the world still revolves around something that puts two people together like it happens in real life and it’s normal. it’s natural. it’s good. it’s how the world should be, not what it is, and by watching it, a love grows in our hearts just as it grows in theirs.

I’d say yoi is a story for a mature audience, but not bc of any kind of nsfw themes - it requires looking deeper than just the surface. it requires understanding of what drives these characters, what has them come together, what they mean to each other and how that changes through the show, through their actions. if you can see that? yoi is an amazing series.

I highly recommend it, but only if you feel like you want to watch it and see for yourself.

also, because I feel like I have to say this: if you don’t like it in the end, it doesn’t automatically mean it’s bad rep. it just means it didn’t fulfill your expectations. and that’s fine, too.

#anonymous #ask

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prosopopeya · 3 years

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New Year’s Meme

this survey has been a tradition among my friend group for YEARS, but i haven’t filled it out since 2015 apparently. i’m not entirely sure why except 2016 was the year a lot of stuff changed for me, namely in that i finally got out of school in some form and started a new job, but i also had a few health problems that kept plaguing me (thyroid medicine being off, vitamin d) and my anxiety was all over the place. so here we go i’m doing it again and feel free to do it too if you want!!

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before? tried on wedding dresses. taught virtually. dealt (poorly) with drunk teenagers. performed in a pep rally. wore face masks all the time. i’m going to lump in living with someone. jon moved in october 2019, but i don’t think i did this quiz last year so. taught ap.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year? i don’t really like resolutions. they put too much pressure on me and i am a fragile person when it comes to setting expectations and living up to them. i did want to try to read more this year, and i maintained that until the pandemic, and then just kind of gave up requiring myself to do anything but live.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? i don’t think so. a coworker did.

4. Did anyone close to you die? jon’s cousin committed suicide in march or april. the circumstances were pretty upsetting. um. andy died in february, very suddenly. andy was my high school boyfriend for four years with whom i had a very... he scarred me in a lot of ways when it comes to sex and consent. it’s taken me a long time to unpack all of that. and i struggle with how much any of that was his fault or just bc he was a stupid kid too. our mutual friends had nothing but nice things to say about him on fb. anyway. he would guilt me into saying he’d kill himself if we broke up, and jon’s cousin killed himself over his girlfriend. so that was a complex part of the year.

5. What countries did you visit? none. literally the week before the quarantine, we went to asheville to visit jon’s cousin.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? maybe a different job? or at least some peace at doing mine.

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? march 13 we cancelled classes and had a technology training day; the 15th we had another one, and then we were virtual the rest of the term. it was such a sudden shift and while i so loved working from home tbh, it was such a relief after a supremely shitty january/february work-wise, i still had a lot of keyed-up, stressful days centered around transitioning to being the senior upper school spanish teacher. i hate it!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? writing 50k in the month of november. i have literally never done that before and actively reject nano as being typically unhealthy for how my mind works, so it was nice to do it entirely by accident.

9. What was your biggest failure? mishandling the drunken teenagers on that field trip in january.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? i sit crosslegged in my virtual teaching chair and i did it so much that my ankle hurt for the entire summer.

11. What was the best thing you bought? we put a deposit on our elopement in ireland. jon’s wedding ring. (i didn’t buy my wedding dress.)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? my best friend at work who keeps me sane and is represented by benny in my au, which other than the fact that he is not my sidepiece, is perfect he is crucial to my survival at work and i love him so much. (also he is gay and the french teacher so the benny parallels just keep coming). everyone who tore down a statue in virginia (and other places, but especially monument avenue). everyone putting their lives on the line during this pandemic.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? guess! but aside from all the obvious, i found out a friend of mine at work voted for trump. my work bff and i had been trying for years to sway his politics, but that had us both deciding to give up on him.

14. Where did most of your money go? food, ALCOHOL. god., our savings account. i did a pretty excellent job saving this year, though a good deal of that is because jon moved in and makes more money than me, and also we split all the bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? my wedding dress but strangely only when i went to try it on after it came in bc after the purchase i was so sure i’d made every mistake possible. my wedding band. wellbutrin changing my whole life. and, last but certainly not least, the gay angel and the bi(lingual) hunter. i wouldn’t have survived nov-dec in school without that distraction. the election.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2020? the entirety of taylor swift’s oeuvre this year, maybe specifically “this is me trying”

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. Happier or sadder? happier, i suppose, perhaps contrary to what should be the case, but wellbutrin is a hell of a drug. ii. Older or wiser? wiser. ii. Richer or poorer? richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? reading. cleaning. exercising.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? stressing. chaperoning.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? so, an update; last year was the first year i didn’t go to my mom’s for christmas. i was supposed to see her for thanksgiving last year, but she basically told us not to come bc she wasn’t feeling up to it (cool!), and we went to jon’s for christmas and my mom’s for new year’s.

this year, obviously we couldn’t go to my mom’s. instead, we rented a little cabin by the lake. it was perfect; it was really really nice inside, the beds were SO SOFT, the pillows were the best things i have ever laid my head on, like i took off the pillowcases to try to find the brand. we had a little tiny christmas tree with tiny ornaments from walmart that we decorated. the 23rd, we went and picked up our wedding bands. we slept two nights in the (cold) back bedroom so i could wake up and look out at the lake. it snowed for christmas. :)

we opened presents on christmas eve, per jon’s family’s tradition. on christmas eve, we also went to his family farm and sat outside and hung out a little. every year his family does like a secret santa sort of thing and i got my first present in that exchange, which is notable bc jon and i are not yet officially married. i got a remote control car -- jon’s idea bc i couldn’t think of anything, and he was so delighted to hear that i loved playing with rc cars when we went to the beach as a kid.

christmas morning we facetimed my parents and opened some presents together. then jon and i marathoned mandalorian (after spending the previous few days watching several die hard movies), and then we watched wonder woman 1984 which was a bad movie.

21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? ok LAST year for new year’s, we were in a hotel room, so that was nice, bc it meant minimal stress with my parents. i had always wanted to go to this restaurant near us that has a special new year’s menu, so we did that. the night before or after i think we went to cheesecake factory, which was also amazing.

this year currently i’m tumbling and he’s playing pokemon, and in a bit we’ll try to time it so we finish schitt’s creek in time for the new year.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? i re-fell in love with supernatural so that was nice.

23. How many one-night stands? 0. i submit we should randomly change question 23 each year to something more relevant to any of our life experiences.

24. What was your favorite TV program? what did i even watch this year. schitt’s creek. mandalorian. i mean obviously we know supernatural. the circle. are you the one (the queer season). pose. unsolved mysteries. we’re here! perry mason. watchmen. oh maybe that mcdonald’s monopoly fraud documentary. avenue 5. i’ll be gone in the dark. of those i think my favorite maybe is... pose or we’re here.

OKAY UM. on my 2014 version of this there were a bunch of questions about tv shows that i’m putting back in if only for the memories:

25. Which TV shows did you start watching in 2020? the haunting of bly manor, which we still need to finish. derry girls.

26. Which TV shows did you let go of in 2020? HERE’S WHY I WANTED TO RESURRECT THESE. here was my answer in 2015: “supernatural. goodbye, my sweet prince.” CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE

27. Which TV shows did you mean to get into but didn’t in 2020? Why? so far, queen’s gambit and that one on hulu with catherine the great. EVENTUALLY. 28. Which TV shows do you intend on checking out in 2020? fleabag. queen’s gambit. 29. Which TV show do you think you might let go of in 2020 unless things significantly improve? idk i drop things pretty regularly if they don’t entertain me 30. Which TV show impressed you least in 2020? GUYS HERE’S MY ORIGINAL 2015 ANSWER: “supernatural. :(”

anyway back to the rest of the quiz:

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? every person who refuses to listen to facts and information.

26. What was the best book you read? killers of the flower moon: the osage murders and the birth of the fbi, or the his dark materials series.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? well i knew about tswift so i’m not going to count her albums. i will count this song that jon played for me once in the car that got stuck in my head for two weeks straight and led me down into a great related-songs spotify playlist: through the roof ‘n underground.

28. What did you want and get? a wedding dress and a very specific kind of wedding band. a gay angel. a christmas getaway. animal crossing.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? idk i don’t know how many films i saw this year. maybe mucho mucho amor: the legend of walter mercado

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i was 32. we went to an escape room with a BUNCH of people -- work bff, my old work bff and his wife (old bc he quit and we’ve fallen out of touch :(), the cool new physics teacher and his fiancee, and the aforementioned trump voter and his wife, before we knew... we went out for brunch/lunch after. it was pretty great!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? not having to chaperone that school trip in january. dean being bi in english as well as spanish. cas just ilke, appearing in 15x20. not having to physically go back to work this fall.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? no! real! pants!

34. What kept you sane? jon. supernatural (in a way?). animal crossing for a while. wellbutrin! i haven’t really been able to detail this yet, but finally i did something about tumblr and my therapist making me think about adhd. my doctor gave me wellbutrin (bc i lack any official diagnosis and was on anxiety meds anyway, and he was like let’s try this!) and it’s fucking. it’s a fucking godsend. surprisingly enough, my students. trying to provide them a safe space has been a calming thing for me.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? jensen ackles’ silence. misha collins again, i guess.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? the summer was so fucking intense. i guess though it was me trying to exert my influence in a responsible way with my students without trying to try to make them feel uncomfortable but then one kid was a vocally upset trump supporter after the election and i had to try to defuse that situation.

37. Who did you miss? my old work bff. several old friends that i’ve fallen out of touch with bc i have no object permanence.

38. Who was the best new person you met? people i met through the spn resurgence!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020: if you manifest it in an au, it will come. no really though. maybe that expectations are only as important as i make them out to be.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: usually i have a hard time coming up with anything for this and i default to looking at my most played songs of the year. my most played song of the year received each and every one of its plays within the month of november and you can guess why. anyway see if this works

I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do Haunted by the ghost of you Take me back to the night we met - the night we met, lord huron

#happy new year #annual meme

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oikawa13 · 3 years

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love in the time of köttbullar

Shouyou sets the bowl on the tiny table with a flourish and an itadakimasu! and this is when it hits Atsumu harder than a Skurup to the temple:He wants this. Shouyou, hip cocked against the miniature kitchen countertop, smiling shyly up at Atsumu through the amber fan of his lashes, beautiful god-boy-man somehow glowing gold even under the buzzy LED lighting. Though they’re standing in a 430,000 square foot warehouse in Tsurumachi, Atsumu’s looking at Shouyou, and he’s home.

Amid the Flärdfull and the Smörboll, Miya Atsumu falls a little more in love.

words: 3,378 | rating: T

i’ve never been inside an ikea so this fic quite literally changed me as a person. sometimes loving a person is as scary as saying that first i love you!!!! and sometimes... love is easy as saying i love you at an ikea ; ;

LAUNCHING MERRILY DOWN THE PATH OF SIN (THE FIRST TIME)

"Bokuto said I should bring you home. But I don’t know where you live. So I took you here.”

“To hell?”

"No, Atsumu-san. To my apartment."

words: 1,990 | rating T

i wake up in the middle of the night thinking about this fic and then go on ao3 to reread it again its just so fdjgfhdjf good. i think about this shoyo a lot. theres something!!!! very dreamy going on here. this is the first part to a series btw, you can read them all if you want since theyre probably all around 1k :-)

lord i no longer believe in anything but the way he holds my name between his teeth

The miracle of the rabbit on the moon.

“We took this photo at their seventh birthday party. His father baked a cake. But someone ate all the jellybeans off the top before they could even sing the birthday song. That’s why Atsumu cried. He used to cry a lot. It stopped when the twins found out about volleyball, but before that Atsumu would cry over everything. Spilled milk. A skinned knee. The neighbor’s dog. He was the twin that was scared of paper straws. It's funny how things have changed.

“He looks happier now. Did you do that?”

words: 10,456 | rating: T

so, this goes just a liiiiitle past 10k so its up to you if you want to read it or not, i just thought i’d include it since its so! close! lol theres this part!!!!! they are holding hands underneath the table!!!!!!!!! atsumu are you drunk?!!! no!!!!! hes just so stupidly in love with shoyo. i cant stand them!!!!!!!!!!!

wait for it, wait for it

The notifications are up at 100+ again and Hana wants to check it quickly to make sure nothing's wrong, especially because she'd just cleared them before the media scrum. The fans, she figured, must be overjoyed with the win.Congratulations MSBY Nation!!! the first reply reads. #myspiker #atsuhinaBoth tags, she finds, are currently trending in Japan.

Five times #atsuhina trended on volleyball Twitter and one time it should have (but luckily didn't), as told by the MSBY Black Jackals' junior publicist

words: 6,043 | rating: T

this fic is SOOOOO much fun!!!!!! also i love hana, idk if i ever mentioned that before but yeah. this is like... hdjkdhgjfd so much ; ; <3

south of an early summer

Warmth, then, was being wanted back. Two weeks later, Atsumu holds that warmth in by Shouyou’s waist; he watches it, how it sleeps, and wonders what the heat will become next.

words: 2,602 | rating T | tw: atsumu being atsumu about (past) kg/hn for a split second

IF i wasnt an absolute fool and gave you all these recommendations to pick and choose from id just send you this and the walking emoji bc honestly!!!!!!!!! i may not know what the heck romantic means but i see this and maybe it is romantic! maybe its not the average romantic idk?!!!! but i do know theres something beautiful here. love ?? ; ;

truths in two’s

Shouyou leaves for Brazil in two hours.

words: 8,300 | rating: T

LDR.... but like, in probably one of the easiest 2 breathe/good feeling fic for ldr!!!! idk im a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ten reasons to break up with me: a love letter

1. It has to be you, ‘cause I won’t.

words: 4,197 | rating: T

pls....... i cant even THINK about this fic without crying okay!!!!!!!! insane. fuckign!!!! i love it so much, so much. it lives in my heart. this is the fic where i was like... i dont believe in love. yes i do. no<3 YES!!!!!!!! and cried and paced my room and finally FINALLY!!!!!! stopped feeling so hurt about hinata leaving for brazil again lmao!! like, i cant explain. this sounds crazy right???? anyway, i think... atsuhina can love each other so much it hurts when theyre apart but their love is so.... i mean......... they literally waited years to play together... so......... their love keeps them going..... GOODBYE!!!! i love listening to fka twigs cellophane & home with you and just..... being insane.

just can’t help myself

Five times Hinata takes care of Atsumu, and one time Atsumu returns the favor.

words: 5,025 | rating: T

*think about atshn taking care of each other* *cries*

blue crush

And there’s a promise there, sewn into the easy curve of his lips: I’m not going anywhere, Atsumu-san. Glittering eyes that cut through the rain-blurry dark like a beacon when Shouyou turns back to look up at him. Even if you fuck up all of our dates.

Murphy’s Law as demonstrated by Miya Atsumu.

words: 2,297 | rating: T

atsumu trying very hard to have things perfect and romantic and even in the failures its still very lovely<3

If I’m Icarus, You Must be the Sun (Allow me Three Mistakes)

He wonders if Icarus felt like nothing was wrong with self-destructing, because he had reveled in the sun, if only for a little while.

Atsumu finds, loving Hinata is the same.

Atsumu's love over the years, and the mistakes that accompany it.

words: 4,620 | rating: T

i am...very weak to the whole icarus/sun thing with hinata and his ships. this one though......... i think about it A lot.

in your eyes, i see our future

“Yer’ a real sweetheart, Hinata Shouyou.”

Shouyou smiles brilliantly. “Only for you~”

He scoots over so Shouyou can sit next to him. He can smell the pineapple body wash Shouyou is so fond of the moment he sits down. Shouyou passes the tray over carefully before settling against the headboard comfortably.

“What’s the occasion?"

(Or, Atsumu just really wants to marry Shouyou.)

words: 9,769 | rating: T

fhdsjjkjfdsj goes crazy stupid over marriage!!!!! listen... i do not believe in marriage!!!!! but for atsuhina, oh you bet i do!!!! :-)

breathing a hello

There’s no significance to them ending up here except that both of their lives are held in the sway of volleyball. Everything else comes second.That’s the crux of it, really.

words: 2,826 | rating: T

gjhfsjkfd shhhhhhhhh. my heart is very soft when i think of them here, please..... just!!!! pls.

if you’re out there in the cold, i’ll cover you in moonlight

My [23M] best friend and ex-boyfriend [23M] is visiting me for a week, and my current boyfriend [24M] who agreed to all of this is suddenly withdrawing from me. Can I get some advice? Please? Anyone?

words: 8335 | rating: T | chapters: 3 | tw: past kg/hn 😳

this one is optional since you wanted one shots and theres 3 chapters here. my idea of romantic is...well, i especially love when one of them is acting hurtful/mean/difficult to the other bc their own personal issues but the other loves them anyway??? and then they work on that issue!!! just!!!!! ; ;

Love in the Time of Insomnia

And anyway Hinata was sprinting out faithfully after Atsumu, who had keys to the gym like a badass, and who was going to give his spikers a few more tosses after-hours without Meian knowing like the greatest, most generous badass the Jackals had ever seen.

words: 2,457 | rating: G

running four kilometers just so atsumu can rest. this is what romantic means!!!! hdkshjfhdj

ode to what you’d have been

5 times it’s Kageyama’s fault and the 1 time Hinata realizes it has never been.

words: 3,628 | rating: G

loving someone including their flaws PART 2!!!!!! ok.... u might be like... um... this is romantic? hfdkhjfd LISTEN!!!! to me!!! there is nothing more romantic than being in love with someone and the ugly parts of them. going, i love you, all of you. and communication!!! and understanding!!! and feeling terrible and shitty and horrible but having the one you love accept you. and trying to help ease your mind, worries. *sobs real hard* also shout out 2 ‘okaaayy.... i hate sakusa now’

a shrine for a boy

Despite his uncertainty about how to tell Atsumu of his move to São Paulo, Hinata takes action. Things do not go according to plan.

words: 2,447 | rating: G

hinatas time 2 be romantic and fail but its ok bc!!!!!!!!!! :-) they are just dummies in love<3

the greatest distance between you and longing is defeat

(In other words: Atsumu, let go. I’m here now.)

words: 3,310 | rating: G

um... *cries* post break up.... o_o!!!! god they really thought they could????? lmao!!!!!!

the tear in this (our gentle language)

“I’m going back to Brazil.”

He isn’t asking for permission. This isn’t a consultation. Hinata Shouyou informs his boyfriend at their after-practice practice. Miya Atsumu has a volleyball in each arm, trying to pick up a third. It drops and rolls away from him. The thud resounding in an empty gymnasium.

Shouyou had tried to envision Atsumu’s reaction many times. He never expected to be met with silence.

Alternatively: an exploration of Hinata Shouyou’s return to Brazil

words: 7,204 | rating: M

ldr CAN be romantic ok!!!!!!!! it takes a lot of communication, time, and love ; ;

evening sun

Atsumu looks at Shouyou and thinks, I want to know every inch of you.

words: 1,502 rating: M

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twentytwojuiceboxes · 4 years

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Beyond A Promise Playlist

Listen to it here

Ok so I wasn’t really intending to make a playlist but i kept finding the perfect songs for this story and for these two. Each song I had either sonic or shadow or both in mind and I’ll explain each song choice below. @moralitas I hope these songs help capture the feel of the fic for you and for the rest of your readers!

1. i want war (BUT I NEED PEACE) - Kali Uchis

“My mind and my soul is the weapon, and every failure was a lesson, its time to stop blocking these blessings, see i just wanna grow into my greatness, I wish i had the time that you takin”

This song is supposed to be Shadows pov, specifically for these lyrics. I feel like he’s so used to bad things happening in his life that any possibility of anything good happening (having a place to call home, having someone to call a friend) he would just not let it happen. In beyond a promise, you start to see him grow out of that.

2. This Isn't You - Kyle Dixon

........

No lyrics for this one. I wanted a song for Sonic and Shadows late night runs. They never really spoke during their runs, so I deliberately chose a song with no words.

3. Rose Colored Boy - Paramore

“I want you to stop insisting that I’m not a lost cause, ‘cause i been through a lot, really all I’ve got is just to stay pissed off, if it’s all right by you”

This one is more of a fun one from Shadows pov. Kind of self explanatory, pessimistic protagonist with a optimistic love interest. I like to imagine this song over a montage of Sonic doing things that unintentionally make shadow smile against his will lol

4. Unthinkable (I'm Ready) - Alicia Keys

"You give me a feeling that I never felt before, And I deserve it I think I deserve it, It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore, And I can't take it, I was wondering maybe, Could I make you my baby?, If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy, If you ask me I'm ready"

So this song. This song was the one that made me want to make a playlist in the first place. I was listening to it for the first time in years and the emotion and the lyrics of this song are peak sonadow and i just.....hoo buddy just listen.

5. Blue Dream - Jhene Aiko

"We were coastin' on the coast when you opened my eyes, Made me notice where the ocean was holding the sky right, I was blinded, your smile shining behind those green eyes, The horizon so enticing please say you'll be mine"

This is just a sweet song from Shadows pov. More about the feel of it than anything.

6. Enter Galactic - Kid Cudi

"Reaching out to outer space dancing to awesome sounds, This all new to you?, Reaching out to hold your close so I don't slip away, Explore a new approach, A whole new free I say"

Both Sonic and Shadow haven't ever experienced romantic feelings before, so I like this song as them experiencing something new together. (Also space hogs lmao)

7. Overstimulated - Jhene Aiko

"Who's gonna hold my hand when I'm crashing?, Took you without looking now I'm looking up the side effects, Feel like there a fire set, That I should be dying next, my regrets, Oh my regrets"

After having been alone for so long I feel like being in new relationships, whether it be a friendship or a romantic one, can get overwhelming at times for Shadow. This is that. (***Scream Warning starting at 5:00*** the singer does scream at the end of the song I didn't want to catch anyone off guard with that)

8. Je Cherche Un Homme - Eartha Kitt

“Doesn't have to be prince or movie star, A Texas oil man or a french marquis, Doesn't have to be handsome as a picture, An ordinary guy's all right with me”

Obligatory slow dance scene. Picture this: Sonic and Shadow on a warm summer day, surrounded by Shadows plants. They’re swaying side to side, having a silly conversation, just enjoying each others company. (This isn’t in the fic but I couldn’t help myself with this song lol.) Plus, I always pictured Shadow as a Eartha Kitt fan, idk why but I do.

9. Sit Next To Me - Foster The People

“Come over here sit next to me, We can see where things go naturally, Just say the word and I'll part the sea, Just come over here and sit next to me, And I'll take you high, high”

This one is from Sonics pov. He, ironically enough, seems like the kind of person to would want to take things slow in a relationship, to enjoy the process and see where things go.

10. Amor De Siempre - CUCO

“Unos cambios tomaron lugar en mi vida, Amorcito sonriente entraste sin advertirme, Pero no importa ya, tenemos nuevas historias que contar, Amanecimos bien contentos y ahora vamos a dormirnos sin dudar”

Sonic can not only speak Spanish but speaks it fluently. This is A Fact and I have made it true lol. I wanted to reflect that with this song, but also when you listen it you’ll hear in some parts the artist sings some words kinda funny and I’m not saying that this is sonic playfully serenading Shadow but also.....👀 im just sayin lol

11. See You Again - Tyler the Creator

“20/20, 20/20 vision, Cupid hit me cupid hit me with precision, I wonder if you look both ways, When you cross my mind, . . . Can I get a kiss?, And can you make it last forever?, I said I'm 'bout to go to war, I don't know if I'ma see you again”

I love this song for Sonic because it has a lot of cheesy pick up lines which alludes to his playful side but also the main chorus just...oof. Both Sonic and Shadow do a lot of dangerous adventures/missions and at the end of the day, no matter how small, there’s always gonna be that worry if they’re going to see each other again.

12. Make Me Feel - Janelle Monáe

“Baby, don't make me spell it out for you, All of the feelings that I've got for you, Can't be explained but I can try for you, Yeah baby don't make me spell it out for you”

This one is Sonic all the way. It’s fun and playful but also serious in the sense of the artist really trying to convey all these feelings for another person. I absolutely adore the video as well, the colors are just *chefs kiss* delicious darling; can you imagine sonic going crazy to this song bc I certainly can.

That’s it for now, but I’m like 1000% sure I’m gonna update this playlist as the fic updates!!! I hope ya’ll enjoy!!!!

#sonic the hedgehog #shadow the hedgehog #playlist #beyond a promise #i was actively trying to not make this whole playlist jhene aiko #you could seriously follow this story with just her music i swear #but i do love these songs too #i know i added some of my own headcannons but i hope they still vibe with the fic #ioufxoufxour im just nervous rambling now lemme stop lmao

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seijch · 4 years

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send me selfship questions!!

for @raevaioli because i wrote too much the first time and didnt have space to answer everything else 🧍🏻‍♂️

(there’s a lot of shit under the cut NDJKDKS be Warned)

1. where was your first date?

well, youve already heard about the first date that we realized was indeed A Date with futakuchi, but my first Proper Date with him would have to be somewhere like an arcade where we can have fun but still talk?? personally movie (theater) dates aren’t good first dates bc you Have to stay silent until the movie is over?? what’s the APPEAL...

there’s a shared exhale of relief as the large stuffed pokemon gets dropped by the crane into the pickup zone. “i can’t believe you pulled that off,” i tell him.

“you know, just for that, i’m keeping it.”

“you don’t even like pokemon! what happened to ‘this one’s for you, baby?’” i ask, voice dropping an octave to imitate him.

“i never said that, first of all. second of all,” he continues, grip tightening on the rowlet, “i won it. so it’s mine.”

“you fucking suck.”

(he says all this, yet when he drops me off, he insists i take the rowlet with me and name it after him. i graciously oblige, dubbing it coochie jr.)

when it comes to kuroo, he probably Says it’s some kind of unplanned affair but it ends with him unloading a picnic basket as we watch the sun set bc he’s a SAP... hate that fool 😔

“you’ve got good taste in music,” i tell him as the next song on his playlist begins. he’s definitely planning something, but i don’t say anything as his driving becomes less aimless.

“oh, i know,” he grins. “good enough for you to ask me for recommendations, i’d say.”

i’m crossing my arms before his sentence gets to finish. “listen,” i start, “you can’t tell me it didn’t work. we’re together now, aren’t we?” he doesn’t choose to grace that with a response.

before we know it, kuroo’s parked the car. “we’re here.”

“here? at the park? what are you gonna do, hold my hand while we watch the sunset?” i tease, getting out of the car. he doesn’t respond. “tetsu?”

“you really think you know me, don’t you?” he appears from the other side, picnic basket in hand and a resigned smile on his face. “what do you suggest we do now that my surprise has been torn to shreds, hm?”

“i mean...can we still eat? i’m kinda hungry.” i point to the basket. (i’m clearly deflecting ,, i was Not expecting kuroo the simp to jump out so early and my heart Cannot Take It)

2. who normally plans the dates?

between me and futakuchi i’m going to say none of us! we don’t really go on Dates dates, it’s just Us Hanging Out !! with kuroo, at first it’s him tbh but after we get comfortable everything becomes a date... idk tbh i’m not the type to sweat that kind of thing 🕺🏻 i do like to Go Out and do things w my s/o no matter who they are but a date doesn’t always have to be going out nor does it have to be a Special going out yk??

3. what kind of dates would you two mostly go on? do you have a “date spot?”

i mentioned this in my answer for 24, but w kuchi we have this ritual of going out to eat every friday and after we get together that doesn’t change!!! if we’re feeling extra lazy we might order takeout but we always always spend our friday nights together... it’s def smth we look forward to even Before we start dating (and it’s smth we both wonder Why we anticipate before we get tgt)

in terms of a date spot? we have our favorite places (like the ramen joint i mentioned in 24) but other than that maybe a few other restaurants and that’s kinda it! our other dates are the occasional study date but i cannot study when he’s around,, just looking at his face pisses me off 😃 nah but we can’t focus on school together + we’d get heated over a meaningless argument and get kicked out NDNSJSJ

when we get domestic w each other (like in uni or beyond) kuroo and i have all our dates at the grocery store... idk abt you but the INTIMACY of buying groceries w someone you love is so [clenches fist] yk?? but before and sometimes after that point rlly it’s like Things To See and Things To Do whenever kuroo puts himself in charge of planning it bc he knows we both like to be engaged and have fun!! (i alr said it but our date spot is the grocery store <3)

4. what kind of date do you think the both of you would enjoy the most? why?

that’s a very good question... i mentioned it alr but kuroo and i vibe heavy w things that are engaging and give us things to talk about while we keep busy,, like maybe an amusement park or smth w all the rides (we’re definitely spinning the shit out of the teacups) mostly bc i think he likes being kept on his toes and i do too! i think we’d challenge each other to do better by setting an example for the other to follow just in general,, also ngl places w a lot of ppl are good too so we can peoplewatch,, the two of us are the type to read people with a glance and when we need downtime we’d sit down somewhere and just kinda . 👁👁 yk

“i might barf,” i announce, gait crooked from the dizzying ride.

“no, you won’t,” kuroo replies, allowing me to drape myself over him though he’s not walking straight either. “didn’t you hear? vomitting is banned in this country and thirteen others.”

“a shame. anyway, let’s go on the pirate ship ride next.”

(we sit at the outer edge. it’s not a good time for the folks in the two seats in front of us. we wipe our vomit—mostly my vomit—from the corners of our mouths and apologize profusely.)

when it comes to kuchi, i think he’d like smth where we would end up competing against each other! i mentioned this when i answered question 50, but kenji and i are almost TOO competitive over stupid shit so smth like laser tag (where everyone is like ... why don’t you want to work together aren’t you DATING) would be SO fucking fun

“it’s not too late to surrender,” he simpers, my body sandwiched between his and the wall. my gun’s been knocked out of my hand—that’s gotta be against the fucking rules—and part of me feels like i’m on a real battlefield, as fleeting the thought is. “some battles, you just can’t win.” he punctuates this statement with a sage nod, leaning so close his breath fans against my face. “so, what’ll it be?”

i close the gap, pressing my lips against his and relishing in the strangled groan that comes from the back of his throat as he reciprocates, free hand moving to the nape of my neck. the hand holding the gun drops. that’s all the opening i need.

i let him deepen the kiss, take his bottom lip between my teeth and gently tug as my hands reach for his gun while his brain is still between his legs.

aim. fire.

i’m the last one standing, and the lights turn on around us. “it’s always good to have goals,” i tell him, granting him a consolation peck to the lips. “but i suggest making them more realistic next time.”

9. what do you think your first impression of them would be?

now THIS is a question i knew the answer to going in bc my best friend (honestly she doesn’t get paid enough ,, or at all ,, for all the shit she has to put up w from me NDNSKSK) had to hear all abt my elaborate fantasies regarding these two but!!

my first impression of kuroo is 1) 😳😳 and more importantly, 2) I Want To Know What He’s About... bc he’s not the kind of person i’d get the full picture of w just one look and maybe a few words spoken? he’d pique my interest a LOT (and this is smth he shares w tsukishima, tho i don’t see myself in a long lasting relationship w him like i do w kuroo and kuchi!) and i’d end up worming my way into his life whether he likes it or not until i find out :-)

unlike kuroo i see kenji and go Wow. What An Asshole. ok no i don’t NDNSJSN i probably think he’s cute first THEN go what an asshole and there’s definitely a long period of time where we’re genuinely getting on each other’s nerves before it goes into the romantic relationship-adjacent dynamic you see in my answer to 24!

10. what do you think their first impression of you would be?

kuroo’s definitely curious. i don’t imagine him being unable to see thru me from the start but i prove myself to be Good Conversation so he’s fine (and ends up being more than fine) with me bothering him as much as i do. kenji probably sees me the way i think most people see me at first? very soft and sweet ,, and then he tries to rile me up, tries to test the waters and pretty quickly finds out that right under the nice girl is someone that won’t hesitate to mirror the shit he tries to dish out.

(again) 24. would you confess first or would they? how would it have gone?

i saw you said in the tags you wanted to see the kuroo one so here it is 🤝 i had all my fun writing kenji’s so this one is shorter than that but!!!

NDNSNSN anyway !!! with kuroo it’s kinda 50/50 bc i’m not shy when it comes to my feelings but at the same time i like to have the lowest chances possible for failure when it comes to things like this... but i simp SO heavy for him so lbr it’ll prob be me just bc i literally Cannot pretend that my intentions are platonic anymore and he’s not gonna do it first (later i find out he was trying to see how long he could go before one of us mentioned the elephant in the room)

(5:38 PM) me: anyway for the weekly song rec

(5:38 PM) me: khalid ft. john mayer - outta my head

(5:39 PM) me: specifically 1:16-1:25 :-)

the messages have sent before i can think twice or even consult anyone about it. there’s a beat of silence. then two. then three. i throw my phone down onto the bed as it bounces off the mattress and onto the carpet.

what the fuck!!!!!! bitch why did you do that!!!!!!!

there’s no taking it back now. he reads it ten minutes after it sends (not like anyone’s checking, that would be preposterous). the picture i took of him mid-sneeze two months ago lights up the screen, a facetime call from shithead 👺 bringing me to yet another crossroads. do i answer it and face the music (literally), or do i pretend to have been busy and act as though i didn’t just confess to one of my best friends through text and with music, of all things?

i pick up the call.

“i liked the song,” he says as soon as the call opens, “though i can’t help but wonder if there was a hidden meaning to it.”

“and if i told you there was?”

“well,” he replies, sounding a little out of breath (where is he?), “i’d tell you to open your door because i’m outside.”

true enough, when i race downstairs and open the door, he’s waiting for me. “and if i told you that was my way of asking you to be my boyfriend?”

“well, i think i’d want to ask if i could kiss you. assuming, of course, it was alright to do something like that so soon-“

he doesn’t finish his sentence. his lips are a little bit chapped, but pleasant nonetheless, and i tuck the newfound fact away in my file of things i know about kuroo tetsurou.

(for reference, the song lyrics for the part i mention are can you feel the tension / you’ve got my attention / i know we’re just friends but / i’d rather be together instead)

#💘 selfship #also both ari and my real name are Not good names to make ship names out of but????#and its not like kuchi and kuroo are ideal for ship names either so im rlly at a loss NSNDJSJ #excuse how Long it took me to answer this i had to go to work before i could even brainstorm 😔#nd yes...if i ask a man for music recs im 90% up to smth i Admit #BYE I PROMISE I LOVE KUROO LIKE IM IN LOVE WITH HIM BUT THE FUTAKUCHI BRAINROT... SO STRONG #fun fact i actually asked someone out using the song i mention in kuroos confession scene 😃#this is also called ari overuses the italics function 😃#anyway im sure im forgetting to say a lot of shit but ill cross that bridge when i get there :-)#thank you again for asking raenah NDNSMSM #also after having given it some Thought i think kuri would be half decent for kuroo??#for futakuchi ... god i hate this slimy bastard i can’t think #maybe chika w the ka coming from my real name 👁#i’ve never been huge on portmanteau names but . if i had to pick i would choose those

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charrfie · 5 years

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Might fuck around and write an entire character analysis essay on Robert Walton bc I’m tired of people not thinking he’s extremely complex 😳😳

Alright, so first of all, can I just say I fucking LOVE Mary Shelley’s writing. It’s INCREDIBLE and it’s amazing to me how easily she can create a complex character- or in other cases, create an extremely flat character to make a point about something, purposefully using the character as a plot progressor. It’s SO well done, and Walton’s character is absolutely not an exception. Despite only appearing directly through his letters at the beginning and ending of the book, you can still see exactly the kinda person he is and I LOVE that.

For example, the relationship he has with his sister who he writes these letters to, Margaret, is most likely the most distinctive note someone can take of his character. Their dynamic is one of such trust and friendship- which I can already tell you I’m a sucker for friendly family dynamics- and the fact that he’s so willing to write to her of all his adventures despite not being sure they’ll even get to her (and vice versa with her letters), makes me cry. Clearly family is a very important thing to him.

Not only that, but what Margaret has taught him along the way shapes his personality HEAVILY. One of the most notable examples of this is how Walton has modeled his values and behavior after hers. He is repulsed by the “unusual brutality” on the ship after practically being raised by Margaret and being taught by her to be gentle, caring, and affectionate. He temporarily latches onto the lieutenant before Victor’s arrival due to the kindliness he sees in him.

Education is a fairly prominent topic covered when it comes to Walton as well. For 14 years of his life, Walton’s education is almost completely neglected. Yet, he later self-educates himself (along with the occasional help of Margaret I assume), and attempts to teach himself math, the theory of medicine, and some branches of physical science. In letter two, he also mentions that he’s realized how important learning other languages is, which leaves it up for interpretation whether or not he has strived to gain the knowledge to speak another language or not. With how determined of a person he is, it wouldn’t surprise me.

His passions in general are such defining interests of his (and it also makes me extremely happy to hear him gush about it all in his letters). Ever since he was a boy, it’s been his dream to go out on the open sea on an expedition, and he refuses to stop at anything to achieve this. He does become distracted by the want to become a successful poet after he studies classic poet’s works (which further demonstrates his determination to educate himself and sets up one of the reasons he’s so willing to transcribe Victor’s tale), but after a year, decides against it due to failure, and proceeds trying to achieve his original dream that’s so long occupied him. No matter his wealth and the option to achieve a greater, easier life, he chooses to pursue what he’s been mistified with ever since he was a child. Material items and wealth mean little to nothing to him when compared with dreams and passions, things he speaks infinitely highly of.

And his relationship with Victor. OH BOY have I got a lot to say about this one but I’ll try to limit myself so this won’t go on too long. Walton’s relationship with Victor might be the highlight of the book for me honestly and it speaks so so highly of who he is as a person. This man, who is already trying so hard to follow his passions of going on an expedition through the arctic while still caring for his shipmates as well as he can, finds a crazed, half-dead man on an iceberg, and without the blink of an eye, takes him in and nurses him back to health as well as he can. While still tending to his duties onboard the ship to the best of his abilities, he devotes every second possible to care for the sickly guy who he’s barely met. He soothes his nerves and teaches him to open up about his traumatic past- but of course that’s only after he makes sure not to invade his personal privacy and not pry at underlying issues Victor may or may not want to share.

While yes, it’s true he doesn’t appear directly in the book outside of his letters, the entirety of the written story of both Victor’s and Creature’s tales are written by him. He intently listens to every word Victor says and writes down as much of it as possible. A whole book’s worth of information. The entire book is his writing!! This not only strongly speaks for his dedication he has to someone he’s only recently met, but also how empathetic he is. He’s so willing to listen to a stranger, so willing to make him feel like his thoughts, actions, and experiences are valid. There’s even a time he writes to Margaret that while he’ll attempt to write everything down, there may be times where he gets too involved in Victor’s retelling of his life, which proves that he focuses his attention completely on the conversation and Victor himself to be the best listener and consoler that he can.

His empathetic and considerate nature is even briefly mentioned by himself in his letters while referring to his job on the ship, saying “I am required not only to raise the spirits of others, but sometimes to sustain my own, when theirs are failing.” Even here, when directly stated, it is obvious Walton puts others before himself, and cares for their wellbeing, no matter if it’s his actual job to care for those people or not.

I am so sorry this quite literally turned into an essay long analysis, but I just had to type this out since I’m tired of people simply calling Walton a “foil for Victor with no other purpose than that,” so hopefully this all makes sense and we all understand that he’s complex now. I will absolutely supply more evidence without hesitation if need be.

#i originally meant to post this as a simple fucking ask but here we are #i didnt wanna bother the person who asked with a entire essay on this bc i was heated for some reason #actually tagging this bc people need to know my boys complex and not just a foil character #robert walton #<- also this tag bc thats totally what this is #hopefully the read more link works bc otherwise this will be way too long #character analysis #laika originals #frankenstein

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tsukiyaki · 4 years

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it’s okay to ask for help

As a student, I never asked teachers for help until Calc BC wiped the floor with me. The first office hours I attended, I didn’t hear a lot of what Mr. Stoll said at first. I was too focused on holding back the tears welling up in my eyes. I was embarrassed that I couldn’t just do it right on my own. I was scared that he’d decide I was a failure and yell at me for it.

Last year, I injured myself in a bizarre way. Even when I didn’t move, I felt considerable pain. I stayed home to recover and discovered medication that would help. I could wait a few more days for it to get delivered, or I could buy it at a local store right away. Despite the degree of my pain, I almost went with the first option, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to drive myself anywhere.

It took a long time to gather up the courage to call a friend. I stumbled through my request with a wordy explanation and nervous laughter, and she simply replied, “When do you need me to come?” Again, I almost cried--out of relief, disbelief, and gratitude. You’d think I had just confessed to a guy or something ... but no, this was even harder.

Recently, I forgot to overthink before telling a friend my unfiltered feelings about a small gesture that would mean a lot to me, so I started overthinking afterwards instead. In the time that passed between our messages, anxiety and regret warred within me. I told myself, “It’s not a big deal. You didn’t say that to force them to do anything, and you’re certainly not expecting anything. You’re just sharing about what matters to you, because you care that your friends understand you. And a good friend is not going to disown you or get mad at you for being honest or expressing your desires."

It didn’t work, so I ran to God.

Peace quickly stilled my heart, and I finally understood my emotions. Nothing I had told myself helped because I was speaking to the wrong problem. I wasn’t anxious about my friend thinking poorly of me. Quite the opposite, I had felt comfortable enough to expose myself for a hot minute. I let my guard down naturally. That’s a sign of growing trust. And it felt foreign and dangerous. It set off my internal security alarms, but something in me wouldn’t go into full lockdown mode like I was used to doing. That resistance was the source of my tension.

That’s when I connected the dots between this experience and similar ones in my past.

I’m only just getting to know the real me in my late 20s. I rejected and disconnected from so much of myself at a young age that I’ve lived most of my life convinced I’m someone I’m not. So ironically, for me, it’s a sign of healing every time I recognize and reconnect with even the fear that drives me at my core.

There I sat, tracing this fear all the way back to my childhood: I’m not allowed to have my own desires and needs. They don’t matter. It’s shameful that I even have any. And nobody would care to fulfill them anyway, so I can’t tell anyone about them, or they’ll reject me afterwards.

And I started crying. Because yes, this fear still haunts me, but I had just seen evidence of my healing and restoration.

There’s now a part of me that won’t stand for a life behind walls anymore. A part of me genuinely believes that my voice and needs matter. It declares that not only do I have the freedom to express my needs, I can also trust that there are people out there who care to listen.

It’s okay to ask for help. It’s possible to not have to lose anything when I can’t be the one giving and have to be the one receiving instead. It’s even okay to want to receive, and to receive, not out of necessity, but just because.

#dominoes

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izzyovercoffee · 5 years

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Prompt number: 14. “I can't come back.” Fandom: Republic Commando Rating: PG Warnings/Tags: none that I can tell, ask to tag if need Summary: Bardan keeps Parja company at the shop on a rainy day. Notes: if I get any details wrong... my bad. also if it wasn’t clear... a lot of my repcomm writing is set in an Etain-lives AU, mostly bc her death makes zero sense in the narrative

Bardan lies on an old, well-loved chaise stitched together with the itching fabric sourced from the local farmers. The lights overhead blink in periodic outages---in tandem with the crack of thunder outside and the brilliant flashes through a single window at the far end of the machine shop. One hand facing up, lazy, a device slowly rotates a few centimeters above his palm.

It’s not what he meant when he offered to help, earlier, but Parja insists he helps by lying there and “holding” the device.

To be honest, he’s not really sure what it does---and he doesn’t ask.

She stands about two arms’ length from the chaise, arms crossed over her chest. Her tightly braided hair falls over one shoulder, the braids adorned with polished, painted beads that match her usual armor.

“It’s not doing it,” she says, at length, after another two cracks across the sky outside. “Damn.”

“What’s it supposed to do?” he asks, curious.

“Shock you,” she says.

He looks away from the swaying, blinking lights, to the not-quite-cubed device in his hands.

“Ah,” he says. “Well, it’s definitely not doing that.”

“Is it doing anything?”

He frowns in the direction of the device, and raises his hand higher. A small effect on the force and it rotates a tad faster over his palm. He waits a few seconds, watching it spin, and turns his head to look at her.

“No,” he says.

“Damn,” she says again.

Parja moves forward to pluck the device from its rotation above his hand, and shakes it between two fingers as she walks back to her worktable. He watches her go, lowering his hand over his chest while he adjusts the one cradling behind his head.

“Need me to do anything else?” he asks.

“Just stay there,” she says, and sets the device down on the table. She reaches for something else---her toolbox---and appears to switch her attention to another project. “Maybe tell me a story.”

He’s not very good at stories. Mereel’s better at that sort of thing, and he’s a long, long way from Mandalorian Space.

“I don’t have any stories off the top of my head, Parja,” he says, and wonders at what else he could, should, be doing.

It almost feels like a waste, to lie here and do nothing when he could be outside, doing something. Filling up the time. Helping someone else. Helping Fi. Helping Etain. Helping the other Bralor, under whose care he placed Arla in spite of Kal’s disapproval.

She moves across the machine shop as the storm clouds outside finally open up, and the torrential downpour crackles over the metal roofing of the establishment. Parja stops at an old speeder, one in obvious and desperate need of TLC---as Mereel likes to put it, tender loving care---and kneels by the engine.

“Do you ever miss it?”

“Parja,” he says, “You’re never this vague.”

“Bard’ika,” she says, imitating the way he says her name, “I know this is a touchy subject for you. I’m trying to be tactful.”

“Please don’t worry about my feelings.”

“Someone has to.”

He frowns, and tilts his head to look back towards the ceiling, to the source of the ungentle drumming of the rains.

The quiet drags on---broken only by the storm---as Parja begins her work on the speeder.

Bardan thinks about what she could possibly mean. Miss it. Miss what? The Order? The War? The Core?

Someone has to. And what’s that supposed to mean, too?

“That’s not fair,” he says. “You’re not the only one who cares.”

She sighs, and then sets down one of her tools noisily onto the open toolbox lying on the hard ground.

“I know,” she says. “But of the two of us in here, it feels like I’m the only one.”

Alright. He can’t have this conversation lying down.

He shifts, to groaning tired muscles, and sits up. His legs swing over the edge of the chair, and his feet touch the floor with a soft, barely-there scuffle. His fingers loosely interlace, hanging with his elbows at either knee and hands between them.

Parja reaches out, to gently tug a stool over to herself so she can sit, and face both him and the speeder.

“I just want you to ask me plainly,” he says, “because the Order only ever talked in circles.”

The look she gives him is… studying. Curious. He can feel the gentle tug of that curiosity, that need, that urge to take apart and piece things together. It’s the look she wears when she plans to work on and rebuild old broken things and restore them to new---or, as she often says to him, better than new. Different, not wanting to reach for the impossible---not aspiring to be unbroken---but to have that brokenness shine through in its new form.

It’s in everything she does.

It sometimes reminds him of how things could be, should be, but not how things were---in the Jedi Order, that is.

“I’m sorry,” she says, and means it. He knows she means it, even without the unintentional taste of it on the force. “I haven’t met many ex-Jedi. I don’t know what the Order was like.”

He feels the shrug rise his shoulders even despite not intending to do so---a bad habit he’s picked up from Mereel, maybe. Or Jaing.

“I do miss it,” Bardan admits. “In the same way I miss a place, or a memory, through the lens of nostalgia---and then I endeavor to remember what it actually was like, when I feel myself doing so.”

Parja hums in response, neither an interruption nor a comment but an acknowledgement she hears him as she returns her attention on the project. She’s still listening---he knows this, too, from experience rather than any crutch to lean on through the force.

So he continues. “But the Order was… there was a very real pressure, there, to adhere to standards that many of us couldn’t keep, or couldn’t reach. A standard that the… Masters, themselves, did not keep. And the consequences…”

He pauses, chewing on the thought, feeling the weight of the pain in his chest and focusing on that pain as it threatens to claw its way up his throat. He lets himself experience it, feels it consume him, and allows it to dissipate.

Parja waits, reaching down for another tool as she works.

“...they were severe,” he says. “They always spoke of support, of acceptance, of love. And yet, those who needed it the most---the ones who couldn’t grasp the force easily, or what they were asked to do---were denied it, and dismissed.”

Parja pauses in her ministrations to look at him. “Dismissed?”

“No longer able to become Jedi,” he answers, and then frowns. He corrects himself: “Sorry. No longer allowed to become Jedi. Instead, they were sent to work elsewhere, under the supervision of the Order.”

“Work?” she asks, tense. “They failed, and they weren’t sent home?”

He feels a bitter smile infect his frown and doesn’t fight it. “Too dangerous, when touched by the force, to be let loose on the universe. And because we were all taken as young, young children---many didn’t know they could simply leave.”

He almost laughs.

“Many,” he adds, “Even if they knew they could, had nothing to their name, and no way to contact the family they were taken from. We’re not allowed possessions, in the Order, and absolutely no contact with family. I still don’t know if mine are alive. I wouldn’t know how to contact them, if they were.”

A bitter anger runs under that thought. A hurt, like betrayal, in his heart---but he also understands. He wants to think, to believe, that his birth family had no choice---that they sent him to The Order for a better life. Many were taken because, no matter what, it guarantees a better life.

Or it did, before... before the end.

Parja sets down her tool, and shifts on her stool to look at him fully.

“You have a family now,” she says. She looks down, to the ground, and back up at him as another crack of lightning, then thunder, booms outside. “But I’m sure if you asked Mereel…”

“I don’t want to,” he says, firm. “I’ve thought about it. I don’t want to.”

She purses her lips and nods, and doesn’t say whatever it is she’s thinking though he can see she’s thinking something. She’ll probably gnaw on it for a few days, and then blurt it out the next time he visits the shop, and…

And Bardan finds he’s perfectly happy with waiting until then.

“I’m free of the manipulation,” he says, unable and unwilling to hold the bitterness from his tone. “Free from having the phantom of failure wielded as a whip. And free from simply accepting that the death of good men should not somehow weigh on my conscience.”

Free, he thinks, from having the threat of attachments being found out, used against him, to keep him isolated and placid and content. Complicit.

Parja places a hand on the speeder beside her, and beckons him look at it. He rises from the chaise to join her.

“This speeder,” she says as she gently pats the top edge of the dented, rusted metal, “once belonged to a well known racer in the underground circuits, in Nar Shaddaa.”

“It’s a long way from Nar Shaddaa,” he says, surprised.

She smiles at him. “This racer pushed this poor speeder beyond its limitations. Do you see this damage, here?” Her gloved hands trace the places where the metal curls outwards, as if burst from the inside out. “And here?”

Bardan looks at the damage. “I do.”

“Sometimes,” she says, “when pushed too hard, too far, for too long---with no stops in between---the speeder will respond in any way it can to release the tension.”

She doesn’t explain, and he doesn’t need her to.

“The driver died,” she continues. “This speeder would have been left in a junk pile, if not for someone who saw its beauty, its real potential, under all its supposed failures, and rescued it. She brought it here, to me, and asked for me to restore it in whatever way I see fit.”

Parja, proud in her talents, in her ability, and her side projects, gently pats the speeder. “But I’m not fixing it up to race, because it was never meant to race. It was meant to ride, and to duck in and out between the trees.”

And she looks at him. “And there are no trees on Nar Shaddaa.”

He looks at the speeder.

There are no trees on Nar Shaddaa.

“Am I really helping,” he asks, “coming here, and lying on your couch while you work?”

“Yes. More than you know.” She reaches out, and gently takes his hand in hers. “More than you can know.”

She squeezes his hand, and then lets him go.

He lingers, unsure, but stands after a moment passes and returns to the couch. He sits down, first, and watches her attention pull away from him to return to her project. He watches her begin her work, sensing it’ll be some time before she’ll want to talk again, and takes a moment to breathe. To think. To settle.

And then he lies back down, one hand behind his head and another on his chest, and watches the ceiling lights sway as the storm outside rages on.

#writing: fictober19 #writing: repcomm #c: Bardan Jusik #c: Parja Bralor #writing: mine

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lookwhatilost · 5 years

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84 BPM

Justin had to attend to some stuff at the bar and go back to work, i sat around his apartment for a couple hours waiting for him to come home. i was looking through his vinyls and realized that practically all of them were things i listened to when I was doing my rolling stone 500 project and kind of laughed to myself abt it, like I’d done justin boot camp without realizing it

i was hitting his dab pen for a while without realizing it and got, like, a lot higher than i probably should have

he came home and was bitching to me abt work. holiday weekends in food service, he told me, basically jst meant they dealt w two saturdays in a row. he couldn’t finish inventory and he was there until 1 in the morning bc it was so chaotic.

we were talking and it occurred to me, like, jst based on what he was telling me, how similar he is to my ex boyfriend. more on a superficial narrative level than anything, but the parallels were definitely there. i guess the primary difference is “someone who thinks he’s jim morrison” vs “someone who used to think he was jim morrison when he was younger”... like this black sheep who used to get into a lot of trouble who’s since gotten his shit together and grown up a lot. he’s not harry after a 16 year time lapse, but i imagine he was probably a lot similar to him when they were the same age, jst in terms of how they were both living. similar character, i doubt, but I guess I have no way to account for it.

the circumstances were a lot different though – considering what he’s been through, who the hell wouldn’t want a sense of escapism from that? i jst am not sure why I’m always drawn to ppl like that.

and idk if it was because I was high but it rly hit me for the first time how old he actually is... jst noticing the details on his face and body that signified the beginnings of aging. his grey hair stuck out to me a little more than usual, the wrinkles around his eyes, his abdomen distending slightly despite the fact that he’s pretty thin. he told me he has high blood pressure lol. it was jst weird. i put my heart monitor on him and his resting heart rate was ten beats per minute faster than mine

i told him I wanted to bring pancake batter over the nxt time I slept over so I could make him a real breakfast and he objected – “dnt get used to that” – and i felt bad. he told me that he feels guilty of asking that of me, even though he knows i love to cook. i guess it makes sense. he won’t let me pay for anything no matter how much i ask. he tried to pay me back for the case of beer i brought over, i told him not to worry abt it. I noticed this morning he’d slipped $20 into my knapsack while i was asleep. he says he doesn’t want to be any kind of burden

I dnt know how to explain to people that if I care abt them, nothing they do is burdensome. i feel like it sounds like a lie.

i feel like ive been looping around these weird insecurities w him, jst sort of questioning whether i... i dnt want to say “deserve” bc it’s not the right word... I guess whether im comfortable w being doted on like this. im not used to someone bending over backwards for me bc they like me and want to make me happy. it’s cliche to say that I’ve always been on the other side of that, but i kind of have? it’s not that im mad abt that, or that I feel like im entitled to something bc of it. it’s jst not the dynamic im used to and it’s hard not to pick at it due to the unfamiliarity.

despite everything I feel like i dnt know where I stand w him. i know we’re, like, seeing one another exclusively. he tells his friends and his coworkers abt me and they pry at him for details and by no means is our involvement kept under wraps... but I dnt know. there’s still a part of me that says “you’re a rebound”, “he’s using you for sex”, “you’re jst arm candy to him”, “someone like him is never going to want someone like you and it’s only a matter of time before he finds out that there’s nothing to you” and lack of clarity abt what he is to me is feeding those wolves. but that’s a personal issue and they won’t go away if we establish that he is actually my boyfriend over some guy that I’ve been on a few dates with.

like he got me broadway tickets... you dnt buy your fuckbuddy broadway tickets. or maybe you do, i dnt rly know if that’s a faux pas but it certainly seems like one. but then i start thinking “this is an arrangement”. which is also so stupid. i jst wish i could jst... take him for what he is and not question him but my minds natural inclination to be super suspicious of everyone at all times is shooting me in the foot.

justin likes me. justin trusts me. despite his insistence that he has trouble opening up, he’s told me many personal things. he’s comfortable w me... and then that voice comes in... “you’re moving way too fast”, “you’re riding this infatuation too hard and soon you’re both going to snap out of it and realize that you dnt actually like each other”, “he’s acclimated to being in a relationship and he’s jst trying to fill the void his ex left. you’re jst a body. you could be anyone.” and i jst want to scream at it to shut the fuck up and leave me alone, to leave us alone, to jst let me have something. please.

i jst want to let myself enjoy something. but i dnt know how to be, in general, let alone in a relationship. im flying blind and it’s only a matter of time before i crash. and I’m going to do it bc im jst going to set myself up for failure so i can retreat to my isolation comfort zone and never be challenged as a person ever

flight or flight

#blog #justin #god's in his heaven

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w0nderlandkids · 5 years

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hi guys so bear with me this is gonna be a long one.

a package arrived for me today, it was from my school. i already knew what it was, they told me the other day it was coming, but that didn’t stop me from getting rlly hype over it.

it was my diploma.

my long awaited and well earned diploma finally arrived today and my immediate reaction was to cry.

see, college was a really rough experience for me. i started at one school and by the end of my first semester i decided to transfer. so i spent my 2nd semester applying to schools. this entire time my mental health started spiraling and i started losing a grip on my sanity. i was experiencing the worst my anxiety has ever been, i couldn’t leave my room and three panic attacks in one day was considered a good day. along with panic attacks, i started dissociating a lot. i lost touch with reality and it felt like i was watching someone else live instead of actually living myself. my body stopped feeling like my body. everything felt unnatural. my eating disorder was also at it’s worst. in the spring of freshman year i received news that shattered me and broke me. i thought i was spiraling before, this was like i was plummeting a million miles an hour.

eventually i did transfer schools. i originally had 2 majors and when i got to my new school i was going to have those same 2 majors and a minor. i was still struggling a lot with my mental health sophomore year. i stopped going to class. my A average became a C average. i thought partying and drinking and getting high was more important than studying and going to class. but that was my way of coping and healing. if i wasnt partying, i was sleeping. i wasn’t myself. i was a completely different person, but i didn’t want to actually deal with what happened. i wanted to stay numb. i ended up failing my first semester of sophomore year. i got a 1.6 GPA and was put on academic probation. this kind of snapped me into reality. i made a lighter schedule for the spring semester in hopes to boost my GPA, and i did a lot better. but i was still drinking and smoking and partying a lot.

i found out my second major and minor never made it into the system which was really shocking. i realized i didn’t want my first major but i was already more than halfway done so i had to stick it out. a lot of people started to doubt me. tell me i was gonna fail out of college with all the partying i did. told me transferring wasn’t gonna let me graduate on time. told me i was gonna fuck up more if i kept changing my mind with what i wanted to do. that i was a failure. i was going to amount to nothing. i peaked academically in high school. i met with my advisor and he told me i was set to graduate up to a year early. that stressed me out even more but it looked like graduating a semester early seemed like a real possibility.

junior year saw me finish out most of my gen eds and almost all of my major. but junior year also saw me struggle more with my mental health and unhealthy coping mechanisms. i joined a support group and found a family with those girls. but i was still going out a lot, especially after i turned 21. i was constantly going out with friends and going home with random guys for one night stands. i was smoking a lot and did other drugs. if i wasnt going out, i went to the grocery store across the street and bought 2 liter bottles of wine or 6 packs of beer and downing them in one night on my own. people came and went from my life and i constantly broke down because i absolutely HATED what i was turning into. but spring semester of junior year it became official that i only had a semester left.

which brings me to fall 2018. my final semester of college. i was sober and in the most loving relationship i ever had. i made a lot of progress with my mental help thanks to therapy and my support group. i decided what i wanted for post grad and i had a new job that i enjoyed. i still struggled with alcohol abuse, just because i was sober didn’t mean i didn’t have to fight the urges every single night. in november of 2018 i met with my dean who signed off on winter graduation. and on december 13, 2018 at 8 am i took my last final of undergrad and was officially done.

and today. on february 15, 2019 i got to hang up my diploma next to my sister’s college diploma. it was a bumpy ride, but i did it. i fucking did it and i am so fucking proud of myself.

3.5 years. 2 schools. 3 mental illnesses i struggled with. countless panic attacks. 1 failed class. 5 borderline failed classes. 1 failed semester. countless breakdowns. countless classes skipped. countless classes i was drunk and/or hungover in. 3 years of therapy. 3 switches in my majors/minors. a 2.7 final GPA. $100s spent on alcohol. countless mistakes. 3 broken hearts. 2 failed relationships. and a hell of a struggle later,

i get to say i’m officially a college grad with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology.

and i’d just like to say, a HUGE FUCK YOU to anyone who doubted me. to anyone who said i couldnt do it. to anyone who said i was a failure. to anyone who said i was worthless and would amount to nothing.

i. fucking. did. it. and i am so fucking proud of myself and no one can take that away from me.

even when i thought i couldnt do it, i still somehow did.

so even though i look like trash bc i was just waking up and was crying, here is me holding my diploma for the first time(:

#if you read this all i love you #mine #my post #rant #college grad #bachelor of arts #commencement is in may tho #i did it #and im so proud of myself

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