#i think bc for the first time in ages ive had time to think
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i really miss just having someone i can be peaceful and completely myself with. interacting is just too stressful!!!
#got hit by a wave of sadness tn out of nowhere#i think bc for the first time in ages ive had time to think#and realize how lonely i am. but i just want someone to be silent with bc my friends rn fucking stress me out#im also sad because the one classmate i really love is on a leave of absence#and even though i got to visit with her at the conference last week...she is nearly 20 years older and has a completely different life...#and i dont think there would be a way for us to become closer friends especially now that she isnt able to come to work in person :(
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happy valentines 👍 day
#figayda#fig x ayda#fig faeth#figueroth faeth#ayda augefort#fantasy high#dimension 20#d20#putting this up on top rest of the tags are just me talking ok#shout out to fig for being the only bad kid to stay together with their girlfriend post-fhsy. DESERVED.#scribbling poltergeist#junior's magic paintbrush#alt verison of the text couldve been want to be my crab queen but I only just thought of that now and I'm not changing it. SAD!#had sooooo many ideas for this drawing I had very cute sketch Hi everyone whos new to my blog btw I talk a lot in tags anyways I had a cute#sketch that was like. a card that Ayda was sitting at the top and fig was at the bottom and in the middle was a heart with clock hands and#shit. and ayda was sending down a uhhhh a heart that as it went down the page it aged. and fig caught it. bc ayda sending love letters#through time is my favorite thing in the whoooole world.#also had an idea because i just finished that season to have a traditional valentines card with cody that was like#“are you satan bc ive been waiting for you my whole life” bc he says that in the uh. first ep I think. anyways that be a great card I just#didnt haev the time. sad! i started drawing this on the 12th i had Zero time for anything else#wow i talked a lot tee hee ^_^ its ok because im special.
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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#feel like my relationship with my younger brother is changed completely forever not to be dramatic lol but i am sad#we used to b very close but he has kind of. found his faith again and gone full missionary christian which like. i knew meant the dynamic#was doomed lmao but actually acknowledging it makes me sad i feel like i'm grieving for the friendship we used to have even though#it is literally a me problem i think from his perspective he doesn't think anything has changed. but i feel weird about everything#also his new gf is nineteen and he is. almost 25 and i am the only one who feels weird about it like i know she's over 18 but! idk i can't#tell if i'm being overly cautious or if my gut instinct is right. my sister & her husband have a similar age gap but they met when they wer#both over 30 so like. it didn't feel weird. and i didn't feel comfortable actually seriously talking to him about it apart from the first#time he mentioned her over facetime (he went to another country to do mission stuff & met her there) so like an idiot i've just been#making jokes about the age gap becausee like. thats always been our thing lightly bullying each other lol but he blew up at me and said#i've had nothing positive to say about her since he's been back home and that he thinks i hate her and i'm out of line for constantly#implying he's creepy for dating someone younger. idk i felt like such a freak idiot horrible person about it. it completely blindsided me#bc yes the jokes were coming from a place of idk how i feel about this situation so i'm going to rely on the humour-based communication#we have always fallen back on as a safety thing but i guess i was wrong or the dynamic shifted or something anyway it's all fucked#& everyone is just telling me i feel weird out of some?? misplaced kind of jealousy thing?? because i'm 'losing' my brother to his gf lol#which does not feel right at all he has dated so many other girls and i have never had a problem it is literally the age gap like i haven't#even met this girl i'm sure she's very nice! i just worry about her being nineteen!! jesus. and yes maybe i do feel some resentment around#a brother younger than me who seems to be able to live his life with zero difficulty whilst i'm stuck being this unemployed loser who ruins#literally ever friendship & relationship ive ever had but i think thats ok right like i can't help feeling that. i don't fucking knowwww#am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely#concerned she's six years younger than him and still a fucking teenager!!!!!! i don't know
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dallon weekes has a portrait that ages for him in his attic like dorian gray but it also still looks pretty good because he doesn't really do anything wrong
#text post#dallon weekes#stream what love by i dont know how but they found me#seriously ive been a fan of him for a full decade now. man does NOT age#i remember thinking he was old when i was like 14 bc he was in his thirties... boy#42 is still not old but he doesnt look a day older from the first time i saw him#WHAT is his skincare routine#also. yeah ive been listening to his music again (old and new) bc of idkhow's drama being in the news#IM SORRY DALLON THAT YOUVE NEVER HAD A BAND LAST DESPITE DOING NOTHING TO CAUSE THE BREAKUPS LOL#kaily told me ryan seaman was kicked out before reading about it and was like 'oh thats kinda ironic dallon would kick someone outof a band#HE STOLE 26 THOUSAND DOLL HAIRS??????? HOLY FUCK#stream the brobecks stream idkhow and stream all the boys from the nicotine ep by panic! at the disco#oh wait you cant bc br*ndon never put that song on streaming services#despite it being the one of the best twtltrtd era songs... dallon wrote it!#i love dallon weekes he is so handsome and talented
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taro buys jiro a weird-looking kitty plushie
(this is a scene from my fic about taro and jiro going to the park and jiro getting a plushie! ;;w;;)
#gekkan mousou kagaku#delusional monthly magazine#jirotaro#tarojiro#jiro tanaka#taro j suzuki#my art#(i feel like i posted this at the wrong time or something so im reposting it--feel free to reblog even if you haven't read the fic!)#i finally finished illustrating this!! ;;w;; (ive been trying to finish this since i wrote it and idk why it's taken me so long T__T)#i realized while making this that i didn't describe the shopkeeper in my fic#i had imagined him something like this but bc i didn't describe him the shopkeeper could look like anyone#i realized also that i didn't describe taro or jiro either so they could have been furries for the whole fic and no one would have known#including me#but i meant for them to be humans#i think making references to their age did imply they were humans#also their hair is almost the same in furry form so describing their hair would not have helped in this case#i would have had to say something like#he grabbed taro's smooth hairless hand and taro stumbled forward without a tail to balance him#well there's probably another way to do it#anyway!! i finally illustrated my fic and i think there is a way to put images on ao3 so i might just put these pictures there!! \;;-;;/#btw! i am the first person who wrote a fic for this series!! i think i caused them to make a series tag for it#before my fic there was also a fanvid in the tag! \;;w;;/ but they didn't make it an official tag until mine#i think bc i didn't know what to tag and i put on like 3 variations of the series title
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look at my alternate yuu concept boy
#i just think the idea of isekaing at age 22 and being shoved into high school is so funny. shes just here now#185cm makes her the same height as leona btw. nearly six foot one. absurdly tall#she did not have friends b4 twst bc she had a Lot of ppl approach her bc of her parents#was very good at keeping a polite distance and went a little insane in twst as a result#fails all her classes at nrc bc she is going home at the end of this to her Real life so who cares shes here for a Good time#girl w/no subconcious desire to stay in twst tho i do think itd be good for her in the long run#she wants to go back to her own reality bc she wants to finish her degree. she was so close#Everyone's Big Sister (self-proclaimed) and incredibly obnoxious abt it#gets on v well with kalim and lilia and then cater is there in the background like. Please Let Me Out.#shes in gargoyle research. malleus is a little brother to her and i think he actually does see her as family more than a romantic partner#WHICH IS RARE FOR ME im usually all abt malleus > yuu but here it makes sense. they are platonic. u kno how it is#book 7 is a really bad time for her bc she learns all of lilias backstory and realizes how much shit he wasnt telling her#as if she were telling him anything serious abt herself LMAO but him leaving w/o sayign + finding out his backstory from a dream is just. h#book 7 i think is whats solidifying her desire to return home. she has a place where she belongs and its not here.#anyways ironically despite how much ive written here + how much ive thought abt her shes only a secondary yuu. yjn comes first always <3#i do really like her shes a lot of fun to think abt. very Messy and impulsive unlike yjn whos thoughtful and deliberate. u kno#god this was a tag essay. ok.#how do you art#twst oc#myuu stuff
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i wish i could articulate the experience of seeing a band you're into live like actually seeing them in person because its so strange yet fascinating
#every time i hear take me for a ride by sparks it makes me think of the nyc show - the first show of theirs i saw#bc that was their walk on music. and i was front row for that show#and like. it was so surreal. so strange. obviously in a good way but its just something id never experienced before#and i noticed this especially with russell in that i had a weird thought that went 'oh wow thats him. he realls looks like himself'#and like of course he looks like himself but what i meant by that was he looks like that guy who ive seen 5 billion images of. hes that guy#like not only does he look like the him in more recent pictures but seeing him in person like 10 feet away#its like i could recognize every era of him. i could see like 70s russell in his face. bc of course thats his face! but still#is this making any sense.#like i feel like if you met 70s russell once and never saw him again until now youd immediately recognize him#and sure thats because of two other things - one that he has distinct facial features kinda and also that hes aged so well#but it was again so surreal to be like. in the same space. right in front of. fairly close to. that guy whos been in my phone. you know?#this was true for ron and the other guys in the band too of course its that feeling of wow its them! those people ive only seen pictures of!#and again being front row for that was bonkers insane. its like what do you mean these people are real#but the thing w russell i just especially noticed almost immediately when they came out onstage like hes that guy. for real#is this making any sense . anyway i just had to finally get this one out#the only downside of this experience was that yes these people are real and yes they can see me. a little anxiety inducing#its like nooooo dont look at meeeee im such a weirdo i bought a ticket to see you like everyone else here#anyway. concert thoughts
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Happy poetry month! In the spirit of the month, what's your favourite poem? I'm not an avid poetry reader but mine is We Only Want the Earth.
Ooooh I'll have to check that one out, I don't think I've read it!
Hmmm as for favorite poem, there's a few I throw out as my top poem with frequency, but here I've got to say The Bridge by C. Dale Young. I just adore its positivity and the way it isn't afraid to be in love with the small details of life. That's just a feeling I relate with so much in my life and the whole poem is SUCH a vibe. Think I called it my idea of the world's greatest love poem in an essay once (which is def A Claim which idk if I'd fully back up now but the vibes are there) because it isn't just a poem about being in love with someone, it's loving everything they do and everything around you and loving just the world as a whole and how you see it everyday. Its such a vibe fr
Just- THIS !!!! ^^^^^^
#i love the way the mind runs the path from bubbles to dandelions... ME TOO KING!!!!!!#he just gets it. imo#i had to make a poetry collection for class once (i ranked this guy no 4 actually rip mr young i failed you here)#but i titled it after this poem and did this beautiful sketch of like the gg bridge over the bay or whatever the fuck water source (ive only#been to the airport lmao idk the geography in sf with detail) with like dandelions and a bunch of stuff in colored pencil it was so pretty#ANYWAYS what a blast. what a poem what a life etc.#i mean honestly once you start a poem with “i love” youre already flying high. like sentiment of all time for real. me fucking too bro#<if i sound crazy here i do NOT regret it. it is 4am though here and i just woke up after like 3hrs sleep to get driven back to college#after coming home for easter so like. whatever the fuck i was saying. we vibe#answered#THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK!!!! and the boops mwah <3#i cant superboop anyone bc im on mobile but feel booped superly etc.#omg wait that make me think of superman... clark the man you are... ahdjahs sorry now i really sound kooky lmao <3#i would boop him though. v boopable. or id let lois do it. shed enjoy that#ALSO I GOT NEW EARBUDS SO IM LISTENING TO MUSIC FOR THE FIRST TIME IN AGES#so i dont have to listen to my dads audiobook. instead julieta venegas is currently getting me through it. ily babe
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This is technically a Diana's age poll but I framed it partially around Julia's rescue because that's the event I need to contextualize and whether or not Diana is a thing yet is p important for my purposes. I would keep the Pérez run and postcrisis continuity in mind when answering this bc that's when this is relevant but I'd keep in mind that even though Diana is very young there (like early 20s) we don't know I don't think if she ages differently as a child (esp as a themysciran AND being made from clay) and in some versions she is older than she looks and was made earlier
Edit: I accidentally logic-ed this out in the tags lol 🤦♀️but feel free to still vote however you want. Going to publish this anyway bc I think I made some good points later in my tags
#blah#the 45 years is a guesstimation of julias age w her being in her late 40s#bc she has a middle school aged daughter which would make you lean a bit younger but shes also highly respected prof at harvard (is she the#dept head? i think so. and has a career that would suggest older. and shes also drawn middle aged so 🤷♀️#i would say late 40s early 50s for her honestly. but i moved it down a lil bit bc of vanessas age#wait shit i may have contradicted logic here bc wasnt the diana trevor stuff supposed to have happened before dianas birth. and that was#wwii. which would be btwn 42 and 45 years. BC PÉREZ!TREVOR IS OLD I FORGOT THAT#okay so actually there still could be a question of what happened first the timeline would just be much shorter#but then wouldnt julias family be boating during wwii? that makes no sense#im definitely thinkimg too hard about this probably. logically it would make the most sense if diana was like 20smth in reality. but thats#its own basket of worms honestly. like what do you mean hippolyta only had like 20 yrs w her daughter out of a lifespan of thousands of#years. what do you MEAN she became champion and ambassador so young like#like also thats the point though. she had to wear a mask in the challenge for a reason. her inexperience with men is what makes her the kind#of ambassador they need. and her youth and relation to hippolyta and role as the baby of the amazons is one of the things that makes her#ambassadorship SO important is bc she fulfills that role in an ancient sense. where it would be a sign of great trust and respect to send#someone close to the crown as an envoy bc it shows you mean business and arent going to reneg on whatever the deal is. bc if you do they#shoot the messenger#god anyways i very much answered my own question here in the tags like 100%. esp in regards to the pérez canon bc he very much laid this out#and i was trying to weasel my way out of it. only that didnt work and the decisions he made he made for a reason and they have huge#narrative importance. damn. okay then#i always write the shittiest posts and the best tags and then have to keep the post to keep the tags#i rlly need to make these tags posts ugh. anyways keeping this up bc of my tags abt diana and ambassadorship#also sidenote I LOVE HIPPOLYTA#just though id mention that. i love how much shes motivated by love and i also love when she makes fucked up decisions bc of that and has to#live with them. woman of all time FOR REALS#god this is making me want to reread historia again lol bc its the one ww comic i own. also its fire. and hippolyta gets to make shitty#decisions motivated by emotion and live w the consequences. and the comic is actually good unlike when that happened in the messner-loebs#run. which was the other instance of that ive read rlly. 10000% sure there are others but i havent fully gotten there yet.#i mean ive read other comics where she makes painful decisions thats like her whole deal but there are different vibes to those than the two#i mentioned. like the exile thing in ww year 1 or rlly anytime she has to send diana away
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maybe i should have gone into practical effects instead of computer science...
#when i was in middle school i used to use red and black pens + spit for blending to make it look like the backs of my hands were torn open#i can't believe it's almost 4am. i just spent 5 hours typing up an essay about MM's erik that i just fuckin privated bc i was embarrassed#AND I STILL NEVER SPELL HIS NAME RIGHT THE FIRST TIME AAAAAAAA#i was right but im going to save all my points for the fanfic im currently planning out and promptly NEVER GOING TO ACTUALLY WRITE#I say shoving my plans for my h2o s3 rewrite off the table#yes i skipped from s2 to s3 i had a BRILLIANT idea [season 3 h2o spoilers ahead be wary my mutuals who are still watching]#okay so you know how lewis goes to the american institute of marine bio in the middle of 3? since this is tied to my s2 rewrite fic i wante#to actually finally reasonably re-introduced dr denman to the story because i never liked that she just fucked off at the end of s1#despite WITNESSING the moon pool magic. so i made it so she runs into lewis while doing a presentation for the college and they have a chat#(because her JAW paper plays an important part in my s2 rewrite bc i imagine lewis is the kind of guy who SAYS he deleted every copy of#it... but ACTUALLY he secretly printed himself out a copy to study in private to compare to his own notes bc#[lewis voice] come *on* guys just THINK of the progress that he could make with this! [grabby hands in front of chest])#so yeah they have a chat and Linda kind of gives Lewis the opposite dilemma in s3 that Louise gives him in s1 about science and magic#since SHE knows about the moon pool and has been biding her time and she knows Lewis knows and Lewis is like ah... uh oh.#it will eventually tie into the idea it's not about forcing science and magic together or separating them#its abt respectfully and responsibly utilizing both to see their fullest potential. which lewis learned in s2 and Linda has... not.#BUT#later on she gets a call from 1 (one) ryan who is like 'hey so i heard u did environmental studies on mako for dr bennett a couple years ag#and i was wondering if you've seen anything weird there as im currently doing a-' and she's immediately like 'YOU SON OF A BITCH IM IN'#and he's like 'wha-' and she's like 'i have already booked my plane tickets we're going to have a great time we have lots to talk about :)'#and wheeee now they have someone who knows about mermaids on their team and it's the perfect way to bring lewis back to relevancy in s3 :D#it also gives me reason to have two bad bitches (linda and sophie) meet and get to know each other which is not a dynamic ive seen in#any of the H2O fics i've ever read so im very hyped to delve into how they'll play off each other#also charlotte is there so technically three bad bitches (only in my au Charlotte never lost her tail and is part of the gang she just move#because she felt like she needed to leave to really be able to find herself without being in her grandmother's shadow but she comes back bc#well... it's season 3 mako is sounding the fucking emergency alarms everyone is showing up sdkghkfjhg)#im also so so so hyped to show u guys who's coming back in the s2 rewrite because it ISNT denman and i think everyone thinks it will be :3c#(i said she when telling ppl to look forward to a familiar face... but can u blame me for getting hype she's one of my favorite characters!#i love u H2O#cruddy rambles
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The nicest person in the world is the lady who helped me tie my shoes at 5ish years old so i could go play during recess. (I elaborated in the tags but theyre fairly long,,) -???
#ive already told this story to some people but i love to tell it.#ok so when i was young i only wore velcro shoes bc i couldnt tie laces.#even now i havent learned the proper knot that literally everybody has learned. idk why i just cant commit it to memory but to be fair#i havent tried to learn it in years bc now i learned a different way to tie my shoes which takes longer so everybody is always like why do#you take so long tying your shoes.#but anyway this story is when i was around 5 maybe younger or maybe older but max 7 yrs old.#my mom only bought me velcro shoes since i couldnt learn how to tie my shoes normally and at some point trying to learn made me so#frustrated i just refused to try and cried etc.#so anyway in my old school there was this weird rule ive never seen anywhere else that we had to use other shoes in the class#i guess to avoid dirtying the floors or something.#and one time my mom bought me new shoes with laces and threw my old shoes probably thinking id have to learn it. i didnt lol.#so she tied my shoes in the morning and then i went to school changed shoes and like i had to like. put back my lace shoes on to go outside#for recess. now get that the teacher hated me. not sure why you would hate a child this age. but she was usually mean to me.#so when she saw this issue she was rlly annoyed and told me so and like the first few days she tied my shoes so i could go outside.#and idk after 2 or 3 times she got rlly tired of doing it and said i had to do it by myself. and she just like fucking left and went outside#leaving me alone on the staircase.#and now this building had a 2nd story which was like a house or flat where people lived. and they were totally unrelated to the school afaik#but the lady was always rlly nice. so she happened to be going down to go outside and about her day and she saw me crying by myself on the#staircase and said whats wrong and i told her i cant tie my shoes and she just helped me and consoled me and then i could go.#anyway she was an angel to me.#its hitting me now as i tell this that when i was a child many of the adults around me were really mean#so i really imprinted on nice adults like i thought they were really amazing and the best people ever.#anyway thank you for reading my story!!#lorisys
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I hope my brother can arrange something so he can bear me part of the journey home after this week is all over and done because I am starting to suspect I will not be a safe driver and it could pose an unacceptably high risk that I'll semi-accidentally drive off the road.
#when will this pain end#i hope to discuss it and hopefully minimise the fallout and at least we won't see each other for a week or two. hopefully by then he might#at least be not avoiding me :/#ridiculous and foolish to care so much about any single thing or any single person#i was already nearing the end of my tether socially for this week in any case#and is that a surprise? ive barely eaten and barely slept during this time#i want to talk to his mother who suffered almost identically the same thing at the same age but i dont know if i can bear it or not#i just want to clear this up with him somehow#and now - finally - ten hours after i was first told this - the tears are coming but they cannot#if they do i dont think they will stop#i just need to get through today and then i can break down#maybe i wont help with packing up tomorrow i might not be up for it i dont know#this week has been such a mix of so so good and so terrible#the talks have been really good and all#and i do not regret spending time with him#altho one problem was one time he apparently would have liked me to go away and didn't say but oh! i would have preferred if he had#i feel terrible for not realising that i should've gone away at that point bc it should have been obvious#except it's not to an idiot like me :/
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It does feel really nice to go into my kitchen and see it not entirely filled with grime...
Like I still have more to do. But it feels so open. Is this what it's like to have a functional apartment?
#speculation nation#i also realized i will need to move the curtain. to shower.#like uh. i washed the curtain from work. and its hanging on my shower curtain to not wrinkle#ONE of us is gonna have 2 change 😤#also. i am tipsier than i thought.#age old sitting is fine then u get up and ur like Whoa#yes ive had.. 3 shots. the first was nothing. 2nd was eh. had to do the third. for liquid motivation.#yes hello new followers hope u werent expecting anyone cool or put together haha#unfortunately this is rather typical behavior for me.#WELL at least this time ive got. a cleaner apartment.#better than the entire past month. i have belonged... to the void...#alcohol ment/#yeaaa yea yea#i was thinking kf bringing this strawberry shit home from work that i like to use for mixers#with like peach vodka and lemonade. peach vodka is my favorite#but i decided against it bc tonights a shots night rather than casual drinking#instead i had this. rose strawberry vodka. it's fine. rose strawberry is a very Me kinda flavor#both being favorites of mine. i dont like it in drinks as much as the peach vodka tho#im running low on peach so im saving it for when i wanna have nice enjoyable drinks. with my strawberry shit.#anyways. the rose strawberry shit is. 30%. while the peach is 35%. maybe thats why it didnt hit as hard#regardless. i need to take a shower. while properly tipsy lmaooo#i'll be fine. i can still type fine. see? i got enough coordination to not break my neck.#🕺🎉🎊
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actually ive been thinking abt this a lot lately like basically for years i assumed i was very (cis)het passing and only recently ive become aware that i am in fact. very obviously perhaps almost comically gay to other queer ppl. like lmaoooo ok then
#i think its bc a) when i came out at like 15 everyone was super surprised so i assumed ppl still found it unexpected even now#+ b) im not super aware of social cues generally (autism) so dont tend to pick up on stuff like that unless its explicitly said#+ also c) ive never felt like i physically appear very conspicuous bc i dont have any piercings/tattoos/never dyed my hair etc#i only cut my hair short relatively recently too..... so idk i just assumed i blended into the background for everyone#but now im interacting with ppl outside of my tighter social circle more often ive become more aware-#of how ppl might perceive me. or rather ive become aware of just how UNaware i am of how ppl might perceive me#and its really funny how many odd interactions ive had in the past suddenly make sense if u assume the other person clocked me as gay#like strangers that have gotten flustered around me that might be bc i was giving off strong dyke vibes etc#the other day i was in a bookstore and the guy behind the counter was very stiff + quiet until i replied to smth he said and suddenly he-#became way more animated + started talking to me more casually + that was the first time i realised i probably sound gay as fuck#like i think i kinda have a stereotypical gay mannerism/lilt to the way i talk... no wonder i used to get called a fag so often lmfao#or like i remember trying to find a lab partner in 3rd yr of my degree + i had to do it on call only bc of covid + there were a bunch-#of us with similar lab interests but it got sorted SO fast bc this one other student seemed to gravitate immediately towards me#and i remember thinking afterward that it was odd how quickly we resolved that. esp bc we didnt even meet it was just voice call#anyway yeah i found out she was a dyke much later but i think maybe she clocked me straight away bc of how i sound....?#and that was why she warmed to me so quickly... but god i remember debating for ages with my ex abt whether she was gay or not#like my gaydar is truly terrible i suck balls at picking up on cues so its funny that to some people im reeking signals#also i met up with an ollldddd old friend last week + 30 secs in she was like oh fuck you must use different pronouns now#gesturing to Me. like oh..... im visibly gnc......? or maybe behaviourally???? idk. also shes v femme which made me realise that-#i rly do come across kinda masc/butch nowadays. even tho ive never really thought abt it that deeply before or made an effort to#i mean yeah i do identify along those lines but ive never directly considered how to flag that to other people etc im just doing me baby#ANYWAY this has been a rly long ramble idr what point i was getting at but just find it fascinating to think abt how im read in public#bc im just genuinely so unaware of it. its weirdly rly validating to find out that im automatically recognised as dykey + a little masc#boosted my confidence a lot as well tbh ive felt rly comfortable in myself lately. partly also cuz im getting a little muscular ;^)#ANYWAYYYYYY enough of all that i need to go sleep if youre reading this ily goodnighttt xoxo#.diaries
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so Aubrie unfortunately passed away last run, but Merlot was lucky enough to spend some quality time with (and get his ass kicked ✨Magically✨ by) his Mama <3
#pigeon plays#not so berry#not so berry challenge#sims 4 legacy#nsb plum#merlot berry#aubrie berry#merlot actually got his hair color from aubrie#she's a descendant of l faba tho im not sure how distantly bc the tree doesnt go that far back#but i think its cute that once she aged up she matched dove#I KEEP GETTING VERY ATTACHED TO MY SIMS#i still remember meeting aubrie for the first time and being SO STOKED#it was FATE#she had the PURPLE HAIR she HAD to be dove's endgame spouse#and she WAS they were SO IN LOVE#i am FINE dont TOUCH ME#im glad ive got her saved to my gallery if nothing else
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