#i swear im fine really i am

[planetsano]

i will never be free from his shackles.

[writhe]

i need ONE WEEK without something that’s high-pressure or has stakes or is otherwise in some way emotionally challenging 

[loveydive]

the saddest thing about loving a podcast is that i cant physically hold it in my hands or highlight and annotate parts that i loved or display it in my bookcase

[fandomfluffandfuck]

Do you ever just-

Uhhh

Go insane?

[strwbrymlkshake]

THE TORMENT OF TRYING TO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO SHOWS YOU COMMON DECENCY. HELP

[taiyami]

I will go on and on about my vanity of being attracted to characters because of their personalities and then I'll look up a character and they are not even remotely human looking like honey what else is there

[p1nkc4lyps0]

hello gay people just a quick note here, my tumblr has broken so i cant access my messages, like at all, cant even look at them so if you need/want to messgage me at all just send me an ask either with your discord profile and ill friend request you or if your okay with me replying public just a regular ask thanks! :]

[broke-on-books]

I'm a fucking disaster send tweet

Also btw guys I got my drivers license

[dreamteamspace]

I avoid making my own posts like the plague at this point but 1) wheres the clip of the dteam making fun of eret’s lore and apparently reading an ooc message sent to them live on stream in a mocking tone (which dont get me wrong, is a shit move i just want the clip regardless) and 2) Why are my beloved streamers being little bitches who allowed this

[vanxcks]

god im so bored

[blue-madd]

Me : I'm not obsessed with this AU, it's only here for a few days

Me 10 months later, still crying about it, making 300 internet researches, on the verge of losing my sanity to make it accurate : ok maybe I'm a little obsessed

[bmpmp3]

im happy skyward sword will finally be a playable game but.......... twilight princess switch found dead in miami

[clumsyclifford]

(lots and lots and lots of thoughts and tw for mentions of death and suicide and also the atl discourse and also just general defeatism, and, like...oversharing?)

recently i’ve been thinking a lot about loss. sometimes death, and sometimes other forms of loss - like losing a friend when they ghost you for no reason, or losing something you took for granted (like one of your senses, or a band you always loved and thought for sure would never lie to you), or, yeah, losing your own life, or someone else losing theirs, with no advance notice. few people get advance notice, right? and i hear about death a lot, but i’ve been one of the lucky few in that i’ve very rarely known someone who died. i don’t even want to go in detail in case i jinx it, but i’ve been lucky about this. and i just. i keep thinking that i’m not going to be lucky forever.

but it’s hard to live like this. i can’t complain about it really because i can’t imagine having lost someone only to come onto the internet and see someone complaining about the fact that they’ve never lost someone. that’s not really what i’m doing, but i just have to say, the anticipation sucks. ‘cause we all know it’s gonna happen. i. i know. that the chances of me outliving my parents are extremely low. and the odds that. i hate typing this but like face your fears and everything. the odds that my grandparents live another ten years are astronomically low. and that scares the shit out of me. because i missed the opportunity to lose a family member when i was too young to be close to them, and now i’m old enough that i’m close with everyone in my family, and shit, guys, i know they’re gonna fucking die. i know i’m going to fucking lose everyone i love eventually, that’s the way life goes. everything dies, everything ends. everything has its time and everything dies. and every single person on this god damn planet has just kind of agreed to those terms, i guess. and i’m supposed to agree, too, because i don’t have a choice. because none of us has a choice! you either live your life out and come to terms with the fact that you’re going to lose so many people you love to so many different things in so many different ways, or you fucking kill yourself and force the people you love to lose someone. because you were too scared. because you were too weak. because you didn’t like the terms and conditions that got forced on you when you were born. because you decided that the circumstances of life were too much for you.

it’s a classic double-bind. and we value life so much! and for what??? this! shit! sucks! we try to solve problems and all we do is create more problems. and the optimists and the revolutionaries and the activists, they’re all so confident that solving this one problem is going to solve a bunch of other problems, but it doesn’t work like that. you can make life a little better for a lot of people but you can never make life all good for anyone. AND WE DON’T WANT TO ANYWAY. because humans need adversity in order to become interesting, well-rounded, empathetic people! we learn from the mistakes of others and if no one ever fucks up then we never learn! being a human being is a paradox and it’s the worst one there is. it sucks. i can only be a good person because i know of so many bad people. i only have a moral compass because i’ve seen moral compasses go awry. i don’t want to be good at the expense of others being bad. if my morality is learned on the basis of others’ suffering, what fucking morality is that? how good am i, taking advantage of the suffering others experienced to know what not to do? how is anyone good? so how can anyone be bad?

anyway i got way off track there, because my original point was this: the waiting fucking sucks. i feel like i’m getting ripped off here, because no one is dead yet and i’m already mourning them. i’m crying in advance because i know one day i’ll think to myself god, i want to talk to my mom, and i won’t have that option. i’ll wish i’d called my grandparents just one more time. i’ll wish i’d gone home more. that stuff is only supposed to hit me once they’re gone, but it’s hitting me now. and it’s useless to me now. all i can do about it now is wait. just sit and wait. sometimes it feels like i’m talking to ghosts when they call. then they hang up and i start to cry, because maybe that was the last call i ever had with them. and i probably won’t know. that’s the thing. i probably won’t know when i have my very last call with them. i’m not going to know it’s the last call until i don’t have the chance to make another one. i don’t have the words for how much that scares me. i don’t like that i don’t know this. i don’t like that i can’t control it. i don’t like that it doesn’t fucking matter how much mourning i do in advance - how much i grieve the loss before it even happens - because i’m still going to be blindsided and it’s still going to break my goddamn heart and i’m still going to be completely fucking inconsolable when it happens to me. and it’ll happen more than once, and i’ll be heartbroken every time, and i don’t know what i’m going to do. i don’t know how i’ll react. because it’s never happened before.

tonight my friend told me a story about how her grandma passed away this past summer. that’s how she said it. she said, “my grandma passed away,” and i thought, why don’t we just say that she died? but it’s too harsh to say it that way. and when my grandparents die i’ll say they passed away. and we’re so used to hearing about people’s late grandparents that i know when i speak about mine, no one will do any kind of double take. it’s only recently that i started doing a double take when other people talk about theirs. ‘cause when i lose mine it’s going to kill me. and i wish i’d never gotten close enough to them to miss them when they pass away. i could have been a shitty granddaughter. for my own sake i wish i’d been a shitty granddaughter. except i don’t do things for my own sake. if i did things just to spare myself the pain, i’d have killed myself already. ‘cause come on. this shit sucks.

i guess my grandparents are happy that i’m a good granddaughter. and that i call them semi-regularly, that i have tea with them and tell them about my class schedule over and over knowing they won’t remember it the next time we talk. it makes them happy, i guess. but they know i’m going to lose them. so how can they do that to me. and how can i do this to anyone else, knowing eventually everyone will lose me, unless i lose them first? how do any of us do this, all the time forever?

i know i just need to go to sleep. but i’m scared. all the time. and i’m on the verge of tears all the time just thinking about this. there’s no way out. there’s no escaping this. it hurts to wait and when the waiting is over it’ll hurt for a different reason and that pain will make this pain feel like a children’s game but as it stands i can’t believe how much it hurts just knowing that it’s going to hurt in the future. i don’t like it.

and i don’t know what to do when i lose the things i thought i could count on, because music is supposed to be a constant, and i thought i could trust these guys, and now i don’t know. because unfortunately people lie. and that means i can’t trust anyone, i guess. maybe the band is lying. maybe the person making the accusation was lying. i can’t fathom either side. i can’t imagine a person doing that. but nobody wants to admit to doing the bad thing because then they seem irredeemable, and then when they’re exposed for doing the bad thing they don’t want to admit they were lying. liars are stubborn. they’ll insist they never lied because if they admit they lied that’s just one more shitty thing they did to prove that their character is despicable and their morals are in the dirt and therefore that proves that they must be guilty of all the other shitty things they’re being accused of, because i mean, they did lie about it. and they wouldn’t lie if they hadn’t done it.

except that’s not true! because people will lie about ANYTHING! and people will lie just so they don’t make a bad situation worse, even when getting caught in that lie makes the bad situation way worse. i don’t know what to think. genuinely, i don’t. so far i’m at the stage in processing where i don’t trust anyone anymore. that part in the adventure zone, where taako says, “I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing!” that’s me right now. i don’t know what else to say about it.

anyway i’ve made like five different unrelated points in this fucking essay of a personal post, which is way too long. sorry if you read it all. i try to be a good, kind, decent, and generally optimistic person, but you should know this stuff is on my mind 100% of the time. last semester i took a positive psychology class, and we took this Values In Action (VIA) survey, to determine which positive character traits we each had the most strength in, and which ones we had the least. i really do consider myself an optimistic person in the immediate sense, and like i said, all this stuff is pretty recent in my line of thinking, and i was thinking it a lot less last semester, so i was definitely more optimistic back then. but on my VIA survey it rated me very low on hope. i know what that means. it means i don’t think things are gonna be good. in the long run, i mean. i could have told you that. i don’t think optimism and hope are the same thing anyway, because i think that in the very short run, immediately around us, things are going to find a way to work out. but in the grand scheme, everyone is totally and irreversibly fucked, and there’s no way out of that. i joke about nuking the earth but i’m not really joking. it would solve all of our problems if we wiped out the human race. right? can anyone say i’m wrong? i mean you can’t say i’m wrong. because we’d all be dead, and then there would be no one to miss us and no one for us to miss, and there’s not really a bigger problem to have than being dead, which eliminates the ability to have problems anyway. 

i don’t............like. let’s not nuke the earth, i guess. but that’s kind of where i’m at, sort of emotionally about the whole thing. i’ve given up on thinking i’m going to feel better about this. so i’m kind of like. we might as well nuke the earth. i don’t think things will get better if we don’t nuke the earth. i’ve mentioned nuking the earth too many times now and i’m sure you’re all very skeptical of me. especially since i sounded like i was wrapping up like two paragraphs ago and i have yet to stop talking.

anyway, i say a lot that everything will be fine, which i kind of believe, because people are resilient and stuff. but yeah, i’m not hopeful. not at all. this shit sucks, and it’s always going to suck, and it’s supposed to suck, it has to suck, or else we turn into shitty people who suck for different reasons. so! it all sucks all the time! it’s all shitty! by definition, we do not become good unless the things we experience are shitty! the most empathetic people are the ones who have gone through it the worst! and how do people go through it unless there are people who don’t care about them? how do people experience pain and suffering unless there are systems in place to disadvantage them? like holy shit, i’m not making excuses for the shitty people or the shitty systems in place, but do you know what i’m saying? everything sucks all the time. we can try and solve A Problem, but it’ll just create Another Problem. there are always going to be problems. and is that what we want? an uphill battle against Problems? we want to always have another hole to plug? i don’t have the energy, man. i cannot sisyphus this shit. sorry, but i just can’t.

so. having said that. it is 3:41am and i can’t tell exactly how controversial this post is, so i’m just gonna post it, because everything sucks and nothing matters anyway and nihilism or defeatism or whatever this is seems to be where i’m at right now, and go to bed. i think we can all agree that i need to get some sleep. pretty sure no one would dispute that. so uh. goodnight? goodnight, i guess.

[etho-slab-time]

Terrific News Everyone! Scott and Pearls Axolotl Makes Seven Items Binding Scar to Every Alliance On The Server!

[mine-curse]

Oohh im vauging, if it makes it better please feel free to discuss this with me. I didnt really feel right talking to any person directly about this because its an amalgamation of points. I will talk about the value of "outsider art" and/vs traditional narrative conventions all day.

Discussions of the utility of veiwing the dsmp throught hero/villan paradigms, fandom critical, im a little bit mean about ctommy (and fans) again. Most of the valuable points will hopefully be canabilized into a later better essay:

If having a literary interpretation of the dsmp story means flattening out the characters to villian and hero roles and picking one pov to be the hero at the expense of the nuance present in other povs........ Well that just sounds like no fun at all. And also not really what i would think of as literary but litterally who gives a shit about academic literary convetions, not me thats for fucking sure

Sorry i just. Dsmp is an unconventional storyline, told in an unconventional way that has actually gotten popular in a way that could facilitate understanding of the unique elements of its storytelling. Its a fun chance that doesnt come around too often so it rattles my chains when i see "x character is a villain" or even worse "x character is obviously a/the hero". They're all just dudes trying to do their things, and i absoluty get not having a full perspective and thats inevitably going to cause holes in peoples understanding. But like... claiming a specific perspective as a sort of default as would be implied by saying "tommy is obviously the protagonist" just feels like missing a big part of what makes the dsmp unique, to gain, something? i guess, im not sure. I havent actually seen a convincing anylisis of whatnwould be gained by veiwing ctommy as the protagonist.

See. From my personal perspective c!wilbur could be read as much as a "villian" as cdream. Like cwilbur from day one. I personally do not veiw the founding of lmanburg as a moral good or even a real practical nessecity. cWilbur did see it as a good thing. But hurt and traumatized a lot of people carrying out his dream. And the character that i would veiw as my "main", cTechnoblade would probably agree. And i have about as much sympathy for c!sclatt as i do for either c!dream or c!wilbur (maybe more), which is to say, some, some sympathy. I think there is sufficient justification to make the claim that any and all characters are antagonists. Both in some kind of "moral sense" and in a story utility sense, given that you can veiw most characters as pov characters.

And i just dont think a c!tommy centric reading is as self-justifying as people seem to claim. Like im serious. What is the justification?

That all the plotlines revolve or at least involve him? They really really dont. The syndicate, las nevadas, most of the egg plot, awesamdude and ponk's tragic relationship, i could keep going. Like. It just makes so much more sense to veiw the dsmp as a tapestry of lives, interacting and effecting each other (i swear I'll write the Shandification essay someday....) But all of them have their own motivations and shit going on, including c!dream.

That hes a moral center? I... no. Hes not. cTommy has had a hard time, but hes done and said some fucked shit, to techno, to tubbo, to jack. Like. Everyone has done some bad shit and also had a fucked up time. And similar to c!wilbur, I as a reader don't really vibe with his moral values as theyve been presented. I find him understandable and sympathetic, i understand why he feels how he does, but i can say that about almost every character, including ones that are often considered to be "obviously villans"

I dont even want to entertain the "streaming numbers" train of thought

Like, its media, and you can veiw it as you like. For me, i would present my "Shandified" version as more fun, because im at a point where i value media experiences that are unique and "personal" in some way. The kind of shit you get when you break/expand narrative conventions, when you explore new mediums, when you give platforms to relativly inexperienced but passionate creators, when you create a story that facilitates this type of creative and interpretive fandom engagement. If you value other things, cool. I am personally not into veiwing the dsmp narrative through tradional genre conventions or some kind of purely academic means. Especailly as a means to support my fav dude. I wish you the best in your anylisis of ctommy's hero journey against the big bad dream. Its just not something i, and many others are going to be that interested in.

[asterythm]

I'm honestly a bit confused on the problem with making fandom related blm art (as long as its not tagged blm and provides links to supporting blm). Could you please explain?

please realize before you read any of this that i am speaking as an nbpoc person who has been mostly off tumblr for the past few days, with the exception of occasional nighttime reblog sprees after my productivity blocker extension times out. i have been doing my absolute best to educate myself as well as possible so as to be the best ally i can be, but i am nevertheless imperfect and i very well may say something wrong. above all, please keep in mind that the voices that really need to be heard and raised up right now are the voices belonging to our bipoc friends, not my own.

also, i’m real tired -- im not saying this to seek pity or make this conversation about myself, just to ask you to forgive any spelling errors/grammar errors/run-on sentences. thanks. ill also definitely be putting a tl;dr at the end, because I can already tell this post is gonna get longggg.

that said, i appreciate that you’re actively seeking to learn, so i'll do my best to explain what i've gleaned based on what bipoc fanders have been saying. for starters, @/hazelmagix put one major issue very succinctly in her post on the matter (tw for swearing, but this is really the Big One):

in addition to the above Big Issue (ie. needing to bring Real Experiences That Real People Are Facing down to the same level as works of fiction), i believe that one of the specific issues that the tss fandom is facing right now came about after @/bleepblopbloop56 drew a lovely piece of art involving a black, trans roman that originally (to the best of my knowledge) had nothing to do with blm. if you’re a part of the fandom and you’ve been on tumblr at all these past few days, you’ve likely seen the results of that, but i don’t know how many people are aware of the full story right now so just bear with me here:

what happened was that some people outside the fandom (mostly bipoc!!!) came across the piece and voiced their discomfort about it (some kindly, but many not-so-kindly), presumably because they thought that the artist was drawing Real Person Thomas Sanders as black, as opposed to a fictional character who is often portrayed in all manner of diverse interpretations. eventually, it got to the point where the artist felt pressured to take their piece down. 

(for clarification, i don’t think it’s ever okay to harass creators to that point, but that’s a whole ‘nother matter entirely. the point is, it was mostly people outside the fandom.)

anyway, the situation ended up sparking outrage after someone else made a post pointing the issue out under the assumption that the attacks had stemmed from racism and transphobia within the fandom (not true). in response, people (predominantly white people, if i’m not mistaken) began to draw art of black trans roman. which would be great on its own, except it didn’t take long for folks to start attaching it to the black lives matter movement. which was less great (see above screenshot). the least great part of all is that so much of it stemmed from spite at the people who had originally been voicing their discomfort about the art -- the same people, mind you, who are not a part of the fandom at all.

not only was this effort misdirected, it was also hurtful because people (again, majorly white) were now using black skin tone and even the blm movement itself as a form of spite. the focus was not on explaining the situation to the original poc outside the fandom -- it was on using art and fandom to appear “woke”, and in the process, ignoring the black voices who were saying they were uncomfortable. and i want to make it explicitly clear that i’m not accusing those who have been drawing bipoc sides of having bad intentions; just that almost all of it has been extremely performative. in using blm for fanart in this way, fanders are taking a real-world issue and turning it into a tool to further our own fandom issue, and that is absolutely not okay. and even when it’s not being utilized for discourse, it can still be extremely insensitive to put real-world struggles side by side with fiction.

my original post about adding resources to fanart was never meant to imply that adding links automatically makes it okay, either. again, i haven’t been on tumblr often and so i had no idea what actual bipoc fanders’ stance on the issue was, and i didn’t want to speak over anyone. what i was trying to say was that if the fandom is going to be so keen on pushing blm, the absolute least that we can do is to actually take the time to educate ourselves on the movement and contribute in other ways as well -- such as signing petitions, donating, et cetera. otherwise, not only is the content performative and potentially hurtful, it’s just plain meaningless.

tl;dr -- 

black lives matter is not a trend for white and nbpoc people to take advantage of so that they can appear “woke”. 

putting fictional fandoms side by side with real life can display an unwillingness to acknowledge the real-world impacts of current events unless presented in a way that specifically appeals to you.

above all, listen to black voices.

(oh, and also: in the interest of raising up bipoc fanders, some wonderful blogs to start with might be @skyscrapersanddandelions, @mxnte​​, @lamp-calm-sanders, and @aleiimm​. however, do not go asking these lovely folks to explain something to you/to provide you further resources. it is not their responsibility to personally educate you. i’m only linking them so that you may support them and -- i really can’t say this enough -- listen to what they have to say.)