#i swear im fine really i am
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Only took a week and a half, but guess who finally actually feels sick with covid 😔✌️
#i should know by now that my specific flavour of chronic illness = a delay in symptoms#i *should know this* by now#ive only lived with it since 2016#i shouldnt be this shocked#force i feel disgusting#jesus *fucking* christ this is so *stupid*#wait a moment#vent post#realised i probably ought to tag that...#but ugh#at least now i know what the strange 'new' fatigue ive been feeling is 🙄#and now i know why i cant seem to write#ughhhhhh#>:(#i swear im fine really i am#i just havent been *sick* sick since 2020#completely forgot what it was like#i would take the worst of my usual symptoms over this *any* day of the week#blegh#my one consolation is that this means i can continue reading fic to my heart's content#and that i *dont* have to quote unquote go back to work#(work being. writing. and whatever else i usually do)#(nit that i had the cognitive function for any of that before this anyway.....)#ugh#okay thats all my complaining for the day thanks for listening#im sure ill be back to normal soon#in the meantime: im genuinely going to compile a superb@t rec list#not sure when exactly at this point in time#but soon#love yall
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dont you guys ever just make random characters in those papa louie games?? in my case, its ALWAYS vocaloid.
#miikanui#i swear im normal#these games are such a life saver for me during classes 😭😭#ESPECIALLY CIVICS.#AND ENGLISH. (sometimes)#school is kicking my ass#well#okay not really#things have been getting easier now that im balancing work and rest#EXCEPT FOR LAST NIGHT. that doesnt count.#i guess the only thing i'm worried about is how my schedule is going to look now that drama production has started#auditions are gonna be starting soon and im absolutely TERRIFIED.#i shouldve stuck with what i did last year and done backstage#SNAP OUT OF IT MIKA#YOURE GONNA BE FINE AND YOURE GONNA GET A ROLE !! (delusional)#oh before i forget#i might be a little inactive with posting art due to school and this :( i'll try and post art to the best of my abilities !!#why am i even putting it here no one reads tags#oh well#thanks for reading the tags if you did !! have a good day/night and dont forget to eat and stay hydrated :)#actual tags now#vocaloid#hatsune miku#luka megurine#papa louie#flipline studios#papa's scooperia#papas games#miikanui !!
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Sometimes I hate having the latest timezone because I get really insecure at night but everyone's asleep so I can't ask for a hug from my family and god it kind of sucks
#It's nice being up the latest because then I can somewhat ensure everyone else sleeps at peace (SOMEWHAT)#but god sometimes I wish I could be the one who's wished a good night after letting out my late night thoughts#not condemning anyone btw I just#Idk I'm gonna make vent art like usual it's the only thing i have#sorry if im worrying anyone im fine i swear i just need to calm the fuck down#why am i like this im so sorry everyone maybe i should just leave#i dont do anything good for anyone anyways im not that important all i do is just make everyone worry about me#i dont really do anything to help anyone im so useless im so pathetic maybe i should just delete my account and disappear#fuck im venting again i gotta shut the fuck up#im sorry#im so sorry ignore me please im probably gonna delete this in the morning or soemthign im just being stupid like usual#maybe this is why my dad always calls me a useless retard
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What's the difference? Nothing
What does it make me? Even more delusional and insane
#∞ ₒ ˚ ° 📎— kyunnya speaks#artem wing#sung jinwoo#sung jin woo#Zuo Ran#solo leveling jinwoo#Tears of Themis#IM COMPLETELY GONE MY LORD#WHY IS MY TYPE SO CONSISTENT LIKE BLOODY HELL#GOD IS REALLY MOCKING ME BY SHOWING ME TWO SIMILAR MEN WHO I CAN NEVER HAVE#GODDAMNIT#forever bitchless and a hopeless romantic#Im not even pretty 2 and thats a skill issue ofc I wint pull an Artem or Jinwoo#so this is why#I'm forever delusional#im fine#i swear i am#im actually sobbingth give me a man like them pls
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i think ive mentioned this before but like i cannot stress enough how fucked up i think it is that i started dissociating at such a young age and continued that for months and never realized
#crunchyposts#me ventilating#the mental illness chronicles#not as bad as others but like i was so young. im still young and this happened years ago so#and throughout those months i was like 'maybe the situation isnt as bad as i think it was'#meanwhile every time my brain tried to remind me of the situation i immediately started to forget that the world around me was real#tw dissociation#tw derealization#i was constantly saying to myself 'maybe youre overreacting' while i wandered through life feeling weird when people said my name#because i forgot that other people were aware of my existence#this did also make me a worse person i am a lot meaner to strangers now bc i forgot that they were also real#im better now i swear i know yall are real i know that im typing this#i know my name i dont feel as weird when i see pictures of myself#but i just get really mad on behalf of younger me being put in a situation that forced their brain to dissociate#there was probably someone i couldve talked to about this but i was barely aware of anything happening aroud me let alone the concept#of dissociation so#i say im ok now bc i dont want yall to worry im really fine now i just wannt to rant#wow i found old messages saying it caused me physical pain#and the next message was 'nevermind we're back to everything feeling fake we're good now' isnt that fucked up. trauma babyyyyyy
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i just wish hllvua boss was made by someone at least decent i just want to enjoy the depressed gay owl without feeling guilty for finding it silly
#im eepy idk#just feels bad man#like i really like the damn show she’s just a garbage human and it ruined it for me#like i get the excessive swearing and the sex jokes#i don’t get peeved by that#that’s fine idc#just#wny couldn’t someone ELSE write it#4 am ranting ignore me
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so tired of being a shitty bandaid for my parents' loneliness. like have u ever considered you passed your curse to me and some days i feel so lonely it's like i can't breathe around the emptiness in my chest????
#my dad is like#you can't just be in your room all the time then what's the point of you living here if ill be sitting here all alone then#and im like bhai what#mom also says this to me she always wanted to sit and rant and she used to say you never talk to me#both of these people don't even fucking get it that they're not even interested in me listening to me#mom just wants a sounding board for her venting and dad just wants someone to pretend everything is okay and happy all the time and#the only important things in life is the immediate present and food and making money and stuff#i swear this is why i feel so ????? about myself my identity like no i can't describe myself#because there is no myself there is just a white sheet of paper where people can write whatever they want#im so tired man#why can't they just go and live with each other and leave us kids out of it 😭🙏#like i genuinely am getting teary eyed about such a small thing but god. i want to have my own life so bad. im sick of feeling all these#complicated emotions guilt and anger and pity and obligation and duty like just god pls fuck off#people my age are so fucking mature and put together than me so confident so clear about their path#have friends partners breakups parties just so many new memories#and im just stuck.#and im fine with it now because i get it studying is really important and this is quite basic requirement to be perfect at#atleast my syllabus to survive in this industry#but then. let me do that only. please don't make me pretend to like you like spending time with you and everything#ive hated you for like. idk 14 whole years. since the first time you hit mom in front of me#i remember it so well like my childhood broke that day you slammed her into a wall for some stupid fight and her hair was all messy and#untied and you shouted so loud i thought surely everyone can hear. and then you left to roam around the city at night with your friends#i remember this because my mom and my sister sent me to check up on you with the excuse of a painting of a parrot that i had made#i didn't understand anything back then#but yeah fuck you fuck you fuck you for being so fucking delusional thinking i love you or something#ive prayed to god that you die and i still do#it would directly mean 4 people being happy#anyway#dni#this was meant to be fun and short lol fuck
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i will never understand the "stop casting straight actors as gay characters" argument. people just wanna out gay actors so they can have a better grasp on who to hate.
#like this is notttt the argument u think it is#'gay roles should be reserved for gay actors' TURN ON UR BRAIN#i understand wanting to have more queer actors and to have them get more recognition. that's completely fine and im all for that.#what im NOT for is trying to enforce that every gay character has to be played by a gay actor#like did u guys learn nothing from kit connor#or all of the other actors that were forcibly outed due to this argument. like seriously.#im sorry im ranting but dear lord man#i just saw a clip of a decently popular influencer saying shit like this and it makes me so upset. esp coming from a queer creator.#celebrities owe us nothing. absolutely fucking nothing.#they dont owe us that knowledge abt themselves and we should not feel like we're entitled to it just bc two men kissed on screen!! goodness#celebrities are people and they deserve their own privacy and to have their journeys on their own time just like everyone else#they dont even need to have a journey!!!! they don't have to do anything!!! they can just live their lives!!!!!#idk man this really gets under my skin#stop trying to force people to come out just so u can make sure the very little amount of queer media we get is 'genuine' or whatever#like u sound ignorant and bigoted dude cmon now#am i gonna get hate for this i swear#anyway rant done its 1:30 am im gonna go back to! writing!#long tags#rant
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Oh boy I can't wait to get 5 hours of sleep before this gp 🌚
#fernando. im gonna need you to pull out a banger performance today#to make me waking up worth it#hes gonna win the race guys.......#forgot to draw him with a crown but tnats fine because hes gonna win#if not im gonna need to draw myself au comfort art 😭😭😭😭😭#but god i really hope its noy a boring race(for me) cause ill just be morose and pass out for 4 hours#I WANNA BE HAPPY AGAIN 🥺 LIKE ZANDVOORT#hey guys remember that 15 years ago he won from starting 15 place- dont worry about the circumstances behind that#but ugh i guess i try to think about how good his starts are#like p5 wasnt that promising 2 race ago but hey look where we go#*got#sorry but i am kinda just manifesting a ferr//ari fuck-up and me//rc of course#nothing else matters as long as nandos on top 👏👏👏👏👏👏#my mclaren boy isnt even up there either so :((((#MANIFESTING PLEASE#sorry i am tiresd and delusional and am resigning myself to so little sleep 😭😭😭😭#i gotta be positive in some form!#im tired enough that i really am considering praying to my fernando poster HAHAHAHAH 😭😭😭😭#about to kneel down i swear to god#catie.rambling.txt
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thinking about my oc Bytte. and. her gender is Aro. her Aromanticism is inextricable from her gender experience.
#toy txt post#i love to make an alloaro oc whos a woman navigating a usually masculine role in society far before we ever coined aromanticism#whos Aromanticism informs so much about her but with no language to adequately describe it she doesnt really know how#and so she does kinda blow up her relationships by accident bc she does Want human connection#and what she Wants is to fuck someone whos friends with her and chill about it who will just be fucking Normal about it#and Not Make It A Big Thing and also for other people to not make it a big thing and they can hang out and be friends#but never fucking domesticize her. and its in part a rejection of the misogynistic role of Wife in historic (and even modern) society of#course but its also a rejection of the relationship hierarchy of Wife. of the romanticization. bc of her circumstances the only role on#offer of course has been Wife. but in the hypothetical situation where she was offered the role of Husband? she would at first probably#accept that. in theory. it sounds fine. sure. but if she tried to LIVE like that. to Live even as a Husband. it would Also be Wrong. to put#any of her relationships into that framework is to fundamentally ruin them forever. and she is living in a society that wants that to be#the only framework. anyway its crazy how ive made a character like that exactly Twice at least#(Bytte and Lucille. Bytte is a bit more genderfucky than Lucille. Lucilles gender is also ugly violent scary woman. for reasons)#both of these characters rn are cis. well. not /cis/ cis but theyre afab and women bc i want to explore that but i am thinking lately about#a transfem take. to explore. ive considered it and i dont think i want that for Bytte? all that means is watch out for future ocs#i could do a character very similar to Bytte as transfem and it would be really good but theres something about#and honestly it would probably make more SENSE for Bytte? due to gender roles in like ancient sparta or whatever?#but if shes transfem in sparta i think there would be subtle nuanced differences in how ppl interact w her that i dont necessarily want for#her? if that makes sense. i know this reasoning sounds weak in a vacuum but i Promise i have way more characters than this and i do want to#explore things differently. i promise there are complex transfem characters in witchverse and also complex characters whos asab im not#decided on yet. there are some im not sure i ever want to be decided on? the downside of being incredibly specific about fictional#characters is that it doesnt leave you all room for headcanons#sorry. good news is you can go make your own ocs about it 👍 idk. much to explore. much to think about#also sometimes a ''''cis'''' character CAN have a fun gender to play with honestly its just that mainstream media Never does#so theres no good way to be like no but listenn i swear its fun#anyway this is all moot cos im not a fucking writer im just making up little guys and doing nothing#also anyway. i think my gender is also aro and a little ace. personally. also before u get mad at me about these 2 ocs being like#probelmatic aro rep or smth: 1) aforementioned its moot anyway im not even a writer 2) these arent the only alloaro ocs i have its just#funny that i made this one twice lmao 3) my brain is huge. my ocs are rad. suck my ass. ♡#if only i Was a writer tho god. thered be sooooo many aro characters fr fr
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why am i only just now seeing that interview where that reporter brings up bruno famin, unintelligently may i add, ("bruno famin said it was your fault" wtf REALLY??) and Esteban just says, "No, no" and walks away god god god GOD
Do people think before they speak or like -- I mean, obviously not.
#it makes me so ill#glad he simply said no and walked away instead of engaging#clearly trying to bait a response out of him#but also he's so obviously hurt#i swear when i get my grizzly paws on bruno --- (i will do nothing i am a pacifist but my GOD)#im gonna get some anon message about this later about how este isn't a poor kicked puppy or smthn but honestly#i am getting used to waking up to anons so it's fine i would actually be sad not to have an anon to answer in the morning#as long as it's an ask with no name calling and it's not too aggressive i genuinely dont mind them#people keep telling me to stop answering them but tbhhhhh i don't really mind them i really don't#i just don't like the really aggressive ones
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cryingggggg enha just released what im positive will be the masterpiece of a century, @lebrookestore finally showed up in my feed (f u tumblr 🖕), and the weather is ABSOLUTELY DIVINE but here i am stuck in interview prep hell T^T
#im alive i swear i am#and i promise i will be back yall I PROMISE#these past 2 years have been so wOOOoooooOOOOOooooooOOOOooooOOOO#lots of hard work but also so much uncertainty about my future career/life etc#literally cant catch a break#(still cant figure out how i wrote doublure dargent last year 😪)#yall promise me that whatever you do#DO👏NOT👏SET👏YOUR👏HEART👏OUT👏ON👏MEDICINE#it will eat you up inside THIS IS YOUR WARNING#hopefully it will all be over for me on dec 3rd tho and ill get into my dream uni and things will all be fine 🤞🤞#also i swear im not complaining.. just repenting#and brooke ily i miss u and im sorry for being such a phantom this year (does not excuse me nonetheless) <3#and to the 201 followers that have somehow stuck by me: i love and appreciate every single one of you!#its really a miracle how i still see notifs on this blog ...#please stick around cause i actually have 2 new fics that im really excited about that i want to finish off and post within the next year!!#anyway rant over i will have a baddie comeback on of these days#i feel it 😌#medz moodz.☁️
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#i swear to fucking christ it happens every time#listen i understand that this is just a difference in personality thing and it's not like these people have done anything wrong#but there's a couple of people in the discord server that i just really need to be at 100 percent to deal with#but someone is in a channel and im like hell yeah I'll join voice after i go put this load of laundry in#and then in that 5 minute span one of the people i am not in the mood to deal with joins#and the probllem i am having is that these couple of people fucking instant join everything all the time before i do#so i just havent fucking talked to anyone in like a month#and everyone else gets along with them fine! so like! I'm not gonna take that away from anyone! guess I'll fuck off!#it's a whole thing and every time it happens i just get more agitated and it's just a Me Issue
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sorry 2 the ppl who find that they're the ones mostly starting convos in our dms. i aint got shit ta talk abt.
#spacie spoinks#also im autistic but yu all knew that#you could say socialization isnt really my forte#sidenote: i watched a vid by another autist and they explained one of my experiences soooo perfectly it was great#it was like‚ she had a list of all the criteria for each specific person she interacts wit#like here's what you do in scenario A here's what you dont do at all and here's what you do if scenario B happens#here's what you can talk ta rthem abt. here's what they like#like dats me bruh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#the lists are in my head but i think i should start making actual lists so i dont forget stuff#also explains why i have such trouble interacting w/new ppl. i have noticed that until im able ta observe them enough and figure out#the 'rules' for them i am unable ta interact w/them in a one on one manner#anyway all this ta say dont b afraid ta talk ta me im very friendly and nice i swear#i usually dont take a long time ta reply unless im busy or not feeling very social#if you made me upset or uncomfy or annoyed me in any way i would just block you no cap so dont worry abt that either#i have a very high threshold for what i find annoying so you'll b fine brah
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this is like . a genuine question because i really dont know . when it comes to teenage angst and all that , is it normal for your younger sibling to be physically incapable of going a single day without giving you a bitch face for asking them to help with the chore they just got told to help with (like . cleaning up the kitchen.) and then proceed to yell at you and make fun of you for asking more than once . like is this just the sort of thing that happens . every single day . because im not sure i can take this for another two years
#ramblings#just going to preface this by saying i am *fine* i promise#but i dont actually know how to explain how shitty she acts towards everyone in this family#and then she flips it around once you get pushed to breaking point and snap or yell#i dont know how much longer i can take from this because i jsut feel so intensely guilty#that i really want to just hurt myself . cause im the worst fucking brother int he world why am i making her upset this must be my fault#even if rationally i know its not#even if she isnt crying ! even if shes YELLING at me for asking her to do something that shes supposed to fucking do !#i dont want to clean her fucking hair out of the drain its totally my right to ask her to do that right?#but then i feel AWFUL because she obviously doesnt want to and its my fault and really i deserve a lot of pain because of that#just going to reiterate that im fine i swear i just really needed to get this out somewhere sorry for the rambling#vent tw
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got a 79 on my economics finals i need to jump off a cliff 😂
#i still passed that class and got good grades on the rest of my classes too#just waiting for one more but damn this just looks so fucking ugly 😭#dude barely thought anything and he did say he will let u pass as long as you attend his classes AND I DID WTF#even that one time there was only five of us in there like you could've considered attendance bro 😂#i swear all of us learned NOTHING in his class like he would literally just read off the book or a ppt and like..translate it in tagalog#a total of 10 mins of lecture then he starts gossiping with my classmates like it was fine at some point but then he really just kept doing#that on all of his classes like even in the exam day he was so noisy gossiping with the students 😭#he gave out the lesson resources(?) LATE too and i did try to understand them but the exams are just so fucking weird 😭#its like....idk i READ the lessons and understood them but the exam was still so fucking hard like do you want us to pass or not 😂#well idk im just pissed off KSKSKD a line of 7 grade made me the way i am now lol suicidal and shit 😂😂😂#the last time is another complicated story tho...i mean i don't care as much now bc i still passed anyway?#it just looks so ugly.....fuck you 😭#like he didn't even have homework or projects like dude literally just predicted the grade for pre-finals i mean from 93 to 79 like okay 😂#share ko lang 🙄#<- this might be my vent tag KDJDJ i hope no one uses the same thing lmfao
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