#im so sorry ignore me please im probably gonna delete this in the morning or soemthign im just being stupid like usual

[urplepurplegurgleturgle]

Sometimes I hate having the latest timezone because I get really insecure at night but everyone's asleep so I can't ask for a hug from my family and god it kind of sucks

[psychovigilantewrites]

Don’t Call Me That Pt. 2

Wordcount: 10,129

A/N:  I thought this part 2 would total up to 10k words, but when it hit 10k, I realised that I was only about 65 percent done. So based on the responses I got from tumblr, I decided to publish this first and then conclude the story later on!

TW:  mentions of r*pe, mentions of torture, mentions of drugging someone (??) , mental breakdowns, vulnerability, descriptions of anxiety

Also, HERE’S MY FAV MEMES!! I’m so sorry that I can’t tag respective meme creators, because I saved them on my phone and some of them I forgot to include your usernames!! I’M SO SORRY!!! And honest to god is wear there were more but i must have lost them im so sorry im so incompetent lmao

memeesss

You glanced at your phone.

It had already been a week in Hawaii with your friends, and Jason still hadn’t texted you.

Well, you should have expected it, really. Jason was a traumatised, mentally ill man who had been locked away for two years.

Of course he wouldn’t text you first.

You had contemplated texting him over the past few days, typing in an array of messages ranging from a simple “hey” to a whole paragraph, and deleting all of it without hitting send. Did he even switch the phone on? Was he surfing the internet? Or was the phone still there on the shelf where you had left it.

It was driving you crazy.

“Do you have a boyfriend we don’t know about?” a voice called.

You looked up and squinted at the man who was standing up, looking down at you. You were sitting on the beach, a little further away from the ocean where your friends were.

“What are you talking about?” you asked as Alex plopped down next to you.

“You’ve been fidgety the whole time,” he pointed out, combing back his dark shoulder length hair with his fingers, getting sand in them. “We’re on a private beach, and you’ve been fussing over your phone. Who are you talking to?”

“No one,” you grumbled truthfully.

“The girls have been gossiping,” he gestured to the two other girls playing in the water. Your closest friends. It was four of you in that inseparable group.

“Of course they have,” you groaned, “Tell them to SAY IT TO MY FACE, COWARDS!”

You shouted at them, earning you grins and middle fingers from the distance.

“They’re saying you’re in love with someone,” he chuckled, “But they always say stupid shit like that without any evidence. But sometimes, a girl’s intuition is just right, ya know?”

“Stop beating around the bush, Alex,” you rolled your eyes at him despite knowing he couldn’t see past your sunglasses. “No, I’m not in love. I’m just waiting for a text that might never come.”

“Why don’t you text him first?”

“Because it’s not as simple as that!” you flailed your arms, “He’s… complicated. I can’t just text him anything.”

“Girl, unless he’s Mr. Nottingham, or related to you, then it really isn’t that complicated,” he joked.

“Ugh,” you groaned again, falling back onto the cloth you spread out. “Fine. I’ll text him.”

“Atta girl,” Alex grinned, “I’m gonna head back in the water. Join us after. Please?”

“Yeah, yeah,” you waved.

Opening the text window for what had to be the thirtieth time, you finally decided to text him.

You: Miss me yet?

Staring intently at the small ‘sent’ below your message bubble, you waited for it to turn to ‘delivered’.

“Yes!” you hissed. It meant that Jason had indeed switched on the phone.

But after twenty minutes you realised that it didn’t matter if Jason switched on the phone if he didn’t want to talk to you. Cursing to yourself, you decided to join your friends in the water, hoping it’ll distract you from checking your phone every five minutes for a text message that might never come.

After an hour of actually spending time with your friends, all four of you returned to the villa, your mood elevated. Checking your phone, you could have jumped for joy when you saw not one, but four consecutive texts in a row.

Jason: Duck off. Jason: What the duck Jason: WHY CANT I SAY DUCK Jason: I DUCKING HATE THIS

You couldn’t let out a string of giggles.

“Oooh, lover boy texted you back, huh?” Alex peeked over your shoulder. “Gimme, I wanna mess with him.”

He snatched your phone from your hands, surprisingly swift and smooth for a civilian, raising it way above his head so you couldn’t reach it and opened the camera.

“Alex-!”

He threw his other arm over your shoulder and pulled you into his bare chest, crushing you before you could tackle him down. He snapped a picture and sent it.

You froze in horror.

“Why the hell did you do that?!” you yelled.

“Relax, I was just messing around,” he gave your phone back to you.

“You don’t- you don’t understand, you fucking asshole!” you screamed.

“I- I’m sorry,” Alex stuttered, surprised by your reaction. “I was just-”

“Fuck off!” you snapped.

Panicking, you saw the little notification below the picture turning from Received to Read.

No. No, no, no, no.

This was bad.

You didn’t want to overwhelm Jason by sending him photos of your activities, thinking that he might react badly to the sudden surplus of familiarity and sense of being close to someone. Now you were worried that he might start to push you away in fear, reverting back to how he was before, and months of progress would have been all for nothing.

He would probably start swearing at you, or worse- switch off the phone and reject any form of communication completely. You hurriedly texted a reply.

You: I’m so sorry! I didn’t send that, my friend was just messing around.

Expecting the worst, you braced yourself for the inevitable. Instead, he sent you:

Jason: Who the hell is that guy?? Jason: Why are you in your underwear??

Your mouth hung open as you stared in shock at the screen. Because you took so long to recover from the shock, he sent you another message.

Jason: ???

Snapping out of it, you texted back.

You: That’s just my friend. Sorry about that! And I’m not in my underwear, it’s a bikini! I’m in Hawaii.

You waited for him to reply, but ten minutes of you sitting anxiously on the turquoise sofa in the middle of the villa listening to the waves of the beach outside from the open doors passed by, and he still hadn’t.

Perhaps he’s busy- wait. There’s no way Jason would be busy. You tried to coax him into a conversation.

You: You can turn off your autocorrect if you want to swear without hassle. Go to your Keyboard settings.

You plopped your phone on the empty seat next to you and dried your hair.

“Ugh, come on!” complained Natalie, fully clothed and washed, walking towards the open concept kitchen from her room. “You’re getting sand everywhere!”

“Woops, my bad,” you grinned.

“There’s a shower outside on the porch for a reason you know,” she flipped her blond beach waves at you, looking through the fridge.

Alex stood quietly at the kitchen island, now scared to say anything.

You rolled your eyes. “Just don’t do it again.”

“Okay, I promise!” he grinned.

Ding.

Jason: fuck. fuck. fucking fuck. Jason: found it. You: Proud of you, man.

You went to your room and showered, then dried off and put on fresh clothes while waiting for Jason to reply.

Of course, he never did.

Groaning, you had to remind yourself that he was not used to human interaction, and texting would come unnaturally to him. Which meant that you had to be the one to keep the conversation going.

You: Do anything interesting since I left?

You saw him typing almost immediately this time.

Jason: no.

Of course not.

You: Have you been eating properly? Jason: yeah.

God, it was so difficult. You were in the middle of typing something when he replied again.

Jason: yoire not my mom Jason: yoire Jason: YOIRE Jason: FUCK WHY CANR I TYPE

You felt guilty for laughing, but you did anyway.

You: Now that you switched off autocorrect, it won’t correct your typos and misspells anymore. Jason: i fucking knw that. Ive been gone for two yeard not twenty. You: Then why do you sound like a grandpa? Jason: BECAISE YOU GAVE ME A FUCKINF IPHONE!! I USED AN ANDROID!!

Now you were really laughing out loud, so you sent him a GIF of a woman rolling her eyes.

Jason: wtf you can send gifs throug text now?? You: Welcome to 2020, my dude. Jason: im not your fucking dude

Typing a reply, Jason interrupted you once again.

Jason: teach me how to do that

Smiling widely, you found that you couldn’t wait for the next week to pass by so you could go back and see him.

***

“How’s Jason?” you asked the minute you reached the Cave computers, panting from the run down.

“Wow, hello to you, too,” Dick chuckled, spinning towards you on the wheeled chair.

It was a Sunday afternoon, and Bruce and Dick were in front of the computers, discussing a case that had connections to Bludhaven Police Department.

Gone for two weeks, you had a lot to catch up on.

“According to Alfred, he’s doing well,” Bruce answered, “Even started to ask for seconds last week. Now Alfred has been making portions for two.”

“He asked? For seconds?” you gasped. “How?”

“He left a note on the tray two days after you left. He’s been making meal requests, too. Texts Alfred in the morning to let him know.”

“Texted?!”

“Alfred slipped his number on the tray in case Jason wanted anything specific.”

“I slipped mine as well, but he hasn’t texted me yet,” Dick pouted.

“When did he start texting?” you ignored Dick.

“Last Sunday.”

So the same day you started texting him, then.

“He hasn’t texted me,” Dick sighed, looking dejected like a kid who was told Disneyland blew up.

“He’ll come around, Dick,” you offered him a smile, “I mean- he’s already texting Alfred!”

“Yeah,” he lamented.

“Okaaay, nice talk. I’m gonna go see him now, bye.”

You ran to the box, but stopped right before you opened the internal door. After checking your hair with your phone camera, you tried to stifle the butterflies in your stomach.

Ugh, you were so fucked.

Taking a deep breath, you knocked on the door.

“Yeah,” Jason’s muffled grunt answered you.

Pushing it open, your eyes immediately went to the bed only to find that he wasn’t lounging around reading a book like you expected. Instead, your mouth dropped open when you saw him on the floor, doing push ups.

Shirtless.

Jason had changed drastically during the two weeks you were gone. You noticed that he had definitely gained weight, as well as muscle mass.

“Uh, wh-what are you..?”

He stood up, and you swore your heart skipped a beat.

His muscles were much more prominent and defined now, and he looked like he was going to achieve Dick’s physique if he kept it up for another month or two.

“Welcome back,” he simply said before taking gulps from a water bottle you definitely had not seen before.

“Thanks,” you walked over and sat on his bed, “I’m glad to see that you decided to start taking care of yourself again.”

“What, this? This isn’t for me.”

“Huh?” you cocked your head in curiosity.

“I… I lost a lot of muscle mass. My body- it isn’t how it used to be,” he frowned, “And I can’t have you lusting over it when it’s not at its peak.”

“What- what do you-?” you stammered, suddenly getting hot.

Jason merely smirked and then continued his push ups.

You watched as his developing muscles rippled, a thin layer of sweat making his skin glisten in the light. It was amazing how he had progressed so much in such a short period of time. You guessed that he must have just been occupying his days by working out.

No wonder he’s been asking for seconds.

“Enjoying the view?” Jason breathed, pausing with his arms straightened, his head angled upwards towards you.

“No, shut up,” you looked away.

“Here, be useful,” he started, “Sit on my back.”

“What?”

“I’ve gotten used to my own body weight, I need extra resistance,” he elaborated, “Come on, sit on my back.”

“But it’s all sweaty,” you whined, pretending to protest. Definitely pretending- for the sake of your own dignity.

You got up and went over towards him anyway.

Carefully, awkwardly, you sat on his back as you would a park bench. You rested your palms flat against his sticky skin to stabilise yourself. Suddenly, he dipped down without warning, earning a soft squeal from you.

“Fuck, you’re heavy,” he strained, but continued to do the push ups. He was shakier, struggling with the weight, and after twenty-five, he paused. “Okay, I think I’m done.”

But before you had the chance to get off him, he suddenly stood up, throwing you off his back to have you fall on the floor on your ass.

“Jason, you assho-” you clapped your hand over your mouth, realising what you had just said.

Oh, no. Oh, fuck.

He stood towering over you, his jaw clenching as he stared you down with his cold, blue eyes.

“I’m so sorry! I forgot! It was a reflex and-”

“Whatever. I don’t care anymore,” he rolled his eyes, reaching for his bottle.

You blinked. Then scrambled to your feet.

“You don’t care anymore?” you repeated slowly.

“I don’t care if you call me that,” he huffed.

That made your heart swell and melt at the same time.

“I got used to your voice,” he mumbled, expression changing as he looked away. He frowned, as if he was angrily staring at a distant object.

You had just guessed that he didn’t like to be called his name because of a sense of familiarity, but now you were thinking that there was much more to that than what you had originally thought.

“So, I can call you… Jason?” you tested.

“Yeah, call me whatever you want,” he sat on his bed, looking up at you.

You smiled, thankful that you had finally crossed that bridge. “You know, I could get some workout stuff for you? Weights, bands, that bar thing that you can put at your door frame for pull ups…”

“You’d like to see that, huh?” he smirked.

“You flatter yourself too much,” you scoffed.

“How was Hawaii?” he changed the subject all of a sudden.

“It was fun. Beach was great, locals were great, loved the vibe- what are you doing?”

Jason had stood back up and started to walk closer and closer to you, getting all up in your space like a predator finally cornering its prey. You kept on taking steps back until your ass hit the edge of the desk.

Nowhere else to run, your heart started hammering. He leaned in, his hands resting on the desk on either side of your body, trapping you against the table and himself. You looked up and gulped. You could almost feel the heat radiating from his bare skin.

“Are you afraid of me?” he muttered lowly.

“Why would I be afraid of you?” you whispered.

“You tell me,” he said.

“Well, I’m not afraid of you,” you stated.

“Oh really?” he raised an eyebrow. Then, you felt his hand grip your wrist tightly, pressing down on your skin with his fingers. “Your pulse is very fast for someone who’s not afraid of me.”

“It’s because you’re all up in my space!” you argued.

“Didn’t look like you mind when your friend,” he snarled the word, “was all up in your space.”

“My friend? What- oh,” you widen your eyes in realisation, “You mean Alex.”

“Is that his name?”

“Alex is just a friend, nothing more. He’s just someone I’m close to,” you reassured him.

Which then made you think about why you were reassuring him.

“Oh, you were definitely close to him,” Jason growled.

“Wait- are you… jealous?” a smile creeped your lips.

He scowled at you for a few moments, and you could see the little tics in his expression that said he was annoyed. The flared nostrils, the muscles of his jaw clenching and unclenching, the very slight twitches at the corner of his left eye.

“No,” he finally said, taking a step back from you. “I’m going to shower. Since you couldn’t stop staring at me, the invitation is still open for you to join.”

“You know, I’m starting to think that maybe I prefer it when you were broody instead of this. Please go back to your depressive mental state,” you sarcastically replied.

Jason barked out an actual laugh. Though his laugh was odd, like someone who’s only now discovering that humans were indeed capable of laughter, you found comfort in it. It was no longer hysterical and devoid of humor. He was getting better, learning to embrace a connection with someone, and it made you extremely happy.

“Maybe I should,” he answered with a cheeky glint in his eye, “Then that way you can give me more sponge baths.”

He left you alone in his room, flushed and at a loss for words.

***

“I find it very odd that people would yell ‘Batman!’ when they realise you’re there,” you rambled while climbing out of the Batmobile.

You were absolutely drenched from the downpour that had been going on all night. It was 4 am on a friday night and you had just returned from patrol.

Bruce took off his cowl immediately, revealing tired eyes despite the relatively slow night.

“It’s like they’re saying ‘Look at me! I’m here! Please knock me out or hang me upside down from the-’ Bruce?”

Bruce had stiffen, staring at something behind you. You turned around and was shocked to see Jason in the mid-distance, sitting on the ground outside the black box that was his room, leaning against the cool metal.

He himself was staring intently at Bruce, not even sparing you a glance.

You looked back and forth between the two men, sensing a high tension silent conversation.

Then, Bruce’s eyes relaxed and the corners of his mouth twitched upwards ever so slightly in that hardly-there-Bruce-smile.

He gave Jason one stiff nod of understanding, then walked away to the computers at the other end of the cave, leaving you alone with his son.

Jason relaxed as you walked over to him, wringing your hair to squeeze out all the excess water.

“Aw, you waited up for me,” you teased, standing in front of him with your hands on your hips, grinning away.

“Fuck off,” he snorted, “I was bored.”

You noticed him clenching his jaw as he looked at you from top to bottom, eyes lingering longer on the ‘R’ on your left breast.

Ah, it was his first time seeing you in your uniform.

His uniform.

Suddenly, you felt like an imposter in those colors and had the strong urge to rip the uniform off.

You wanted to say something, but Jason beat you to it.

“There were times in that shit hole where I wanted to burn that uniform off my skin,” he grit, “Kept on thinking to myself. I wish I never became Robin. I wish I never met Bruce Wayne.”

Your heart shattered at his confession. It was extremely rare for him to bring up anything related to his two year torture, and the previous times were never in such detail.

Realising you needed to say something, you opened your mouth. “I’m so-”

“Don’t,” he cut you off, “You don’t have to say anything.”

Yes, sometimes you knew that he just wanted you to listen.

You nodded silently and went to sit next to him on the floor.

“It… suits you,” he forced out.

“Hmm?”

“The uniform. It suits you. More than it ever suited me,” he grumbled.

“Oh, I don’t know about that. I think your ass would look quite nice in green,” you joked, nudging his shoulder with your own.

He chuckled deeply, nudging you back even harder- hard enough for you to lose your balance and topple sideways, earning another breathy laugh from Jason.

***

Another month passed by, and you found yourself falling deeply for Jason- much to your dismay. You knew Jason wasn’t ready for any kind of intense emotions, and that it would take a very long time before he was.

So you swallowed your emotions down, stifling them and hoping it would go away.

The two of you had developed a pleasant friendship, often bickering and joking around, with Jason teasing you about your obvious physical attraction to him.

He also now occasionally waited outside his cube for you to come back after patrol, never really venturing too far from it, and still avoiding contact with both Bruce and Dick. Only you and Alfred had the privilege to speak to him.

Even then, sometimes you would visit his room but only getting a “I’m not feeling it today. Please leave.”

Understandingly, you would nod silently and leave him alone. You knew he still had his bad days, sometimes not eating his meals.

But mostly, he was getting better, both mentally and physically.

With nothing much to do the whole day, Jason was now obsessed with working out and bulking up. He now had a few simple equipment in his room- mostly weights.

You figured that it was a coping mechanism for him, a healthy outlet to channel all his rage and negative emotions into.

But come on. He was getting even hotter and it was making it extremely difficult for you to stop yourself from checking him out, fantasizing about him when he wasn’t around. Still, you couldn’t complain. Even though he hadn’t reached Dick’s size yet, he was very near to it, and his naturally bigger body frame and build made up for the still developing muscles.

Hell, he was now sporting a six pack.

But you knew that he was still not as well as you hoped he would be. The bloodshot eyes he had was proof that he doesn’t sleep well- and you soon found out why.

It was a little past midnight on your night off from patrol, and you were using your break in the best way you could think of- by sleeping. Something woke you up that night.

A soft knock on your door.

You frowned, eyes still closed, wondering who it was.

Bruce would usually knock twice. Strong, clear, and with purpose. Dick would start pounding rapidly on your door, annoying you intentionally. Alfred would give three soft knocks followed by a ‘Miss?’

Your eyes flew open. There was only one other person in the manor.

Throwing your covers aside, you jumped out of bed and rushed to the door to open it.

Jason stood outside your door in the dim lights of the hallway, frowning and running his fingers nervously through his messy dark hair. He was wearing a t-shirt with boxers, standing awkwardly.

“Jason?” you hated how your voice sounded so sleepy. You cleared your throat. “Are you okay? Would you like to come in?”

He nodded silently, and you made way for him to enter before closing the door behind you.

“Sit on the bed,” you told him while jumping back into yours, sitting up cross legged.

The bed dipped when he sat on it, copying your motion and crossed his legs.

You waited for him to say something, your eyes straining to catch his in the dark. But he just remained silent, staring into space and avoiding your eyes.

“How did you know this was my room?” you asked, starting with a light topic.

“Only one that was locked. I already know where everyone else sleeps,” he explained.

“That’s right,” you realised, “I tend to forget that you’re probably even more familiar with the manor than I am.”

“Did you know there’s an old dumbwaiter in Bruce’s room?” you saw him smirk from the shadows that was casted on his face, “I used to hide in there, waiting to catch him off guard.”

“What? Why?”

“Dick and I, we had a bet,” he recalled the memory, “Whoever gets to surprise Bruce first would owe the other a special favor. Only rule was that we had to have it on video as proof.”

You appreciated that moment, the first time he ever spoke about both Dick and Bruce as a fond memory.

“I won, by the way,” he continued, “But- I forgot to press record on my phone.”

“Oh, no,” you groaned for him.

“Yeah, and Dick refused to believe me,” he chuckled, “That old man didn’t want to admit it either. But I swear- the look on his face when I jumped out while he and some model were going at it- priceless.”

Your jaw dropped, and then you burst into a fit of laughter, tears filling your eyes.

“You- you- you jumped out on him while he was having sex?!” you squealed.

“Yeah,” he grinned, “I didn’t even care that it sort of scarred me, because I managed to catch Batman off guard.”

The both of you laughed, his deep voice mingling with your own on that quiet night.

“I’m glad you’re here, Jason,” you smiled warmly at him.

But then, his smile fell.

“I hate my name now.”

“I’m sorry,” you began, “You said it was okay to call you that, so I-”

“No, it’s fine,” he started running his fingers through his hair again, “It’s just- I don’t know.”

“You can tell me anything,” you reassured, “It won’t leave this room. I promise.”

He looked at you, worry in his eyes. “Okay. Fine. Yeah.”

You waited for him to begin.

He took a deep breath. “I’ve been having nightmares. Almost every night. It’s always the same one.”

“You want to tell me about it?” you prompted him after waiting for him to continue.

“I hate my name because he said it a lot. Joker,” he scowled, “After repeatedly burning my skin for my name, it’s like that’s all he said. In that annoying, high pitched, sing-song voice of his. Jason, Jason, Jason. It made me hate my name. It made me hate hearing it.”

“I- I didn’t know how much time passed when I was in there,” he continued, “But, fuck. It was- it was hell. And the worst part was that I kept on waiting for Bruce. Waiting and hoping for him to find me and save me. I was so desperate. You- I-”

He choked on his words. His eyes were squeezed shut and his lips tight.

You wanted to reach out to him, hug him, tell him that everything was okay now. But you didn’t. You waited for him to collect himself so he could finish telling you his story, just like how he wanted to.

“Anyway, I- despite all that,” he sighed, “That was the only thing that kept me sane. I kept on clinging onto the hope that he was out there, searching. And that helped for a while. Until- until that happened.”

He was breathing heavily now, fidgeting more. Jason was definitely getting increasingly agitated the deeper he went.

“Fuck,” he breathed, “Fuck.”

The moment you realised he was crying was when he let out a sniffle. You automatically took his hand in yours, squeezing it as a form of comfort.

“It’s okay,” you told him, “You don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready.”

“No,” he shook his head, “I need to. I have to. I can’t take this anymore. Keeping everything in, I feel like I’m about to fucking explode.”

“Okay, then take it slow,” you said, “No rush. Anytime you’re ready.”

He nodded, eyes still closed, as if he was afraid of letting you see him cry.

“One night,” he began, “I think- I don’t know what was different- but I think something went wrong for him. Or right? That’s how it was. Tormenting me was fun, but it was also an outlet for him. But at the same time when he was happy, he also tortured me. He came to me, and- injected me with some sort of drug. That never happened before. He made sure that my head was clear whenever he hurt me so that I could feel everything he did.”

“But- he did- and- immediately, I felt weak,” he continued, “I mean, I was already weak. But my head. It was cloudy. I remember everything clearly, but it was like my brain couldn’t process it, couldn’t communicate with my body. I felt like I was looking out through a window that was my eyes- like I was in someone else’s body, experiencing someone else’s moments.”

“He released me,” Jason’s voice was now barely a whisper. “He released me from the ropes, and I fell to the floor. And then he- he- fuck.”

He let go of your hand and started pulling at his hair, rocking back and forth on your bed. He was sobbing now, his shoulders jerking up in sharp intakes of breaths. The only thing you could do was to stay silent and hold back your own tears.

You rested your hand on his knee, giving him a textile connection with reality so he doesn’t fall into his own thoughts.

“You- he- he- ruh- ruhp-”

Your heart sank to your stomach in horror as you realised what Jason was trying to say. It was as if you were plunged into icy water, chills running down your spine at the true revelation of what he had gone through in that cursed cell.

“Oh, no,” you breathed.

“He pushed me down,” he choked, “Pushed me down and climbed on top. I- I couldn’t even fight him. I was- I was conscious the whole time and I knew what was happening, but I couldn’t fucking do anything.”

Your tears were falling down now, both at the sight of Jason looking so vulnerable and fragile, and at his confession. Not being able to help yourself, you threw your arms over his neck and crashed into his hard body, burying your face in the crook of his shoulder.

His arms immediately wrapped around you, clutching you so hard it was painful as he buried his own face into your shoulder.

“And he kept on saying my name,” he said in muffled cries, “Jason, Jason, Jason. The whole fucking time. And- and I knew. He didn’t do it for pleasure. He did it to torment me. He- he didn’t even- he didn’t even finish.”

Jason sobbed into your skin for the next few minutes, his tears soaking through your night shirt. “But I did. Even though it was painful. Fuck, the pain was worse than anything he had ever done to me before. But- he- I- I fucking came.”

The both of you were sobbing now, his ragged breaths mingling together with your own on that quiet night.

His grip on you was tight, as if he thought that if he let go, you would disappear. So he clung onto you with all his might to keep you there with him as he recalled the horrific events.

“That's what broke me. I was so disgusted with myself. I hated myself. And he- he saw everything and- and laughed. He laughed so hard, I thought he was going to choke and die. I’ve never seen him laugh like that. And I remember every single fucking moment of being helpless on that fucking floor while he- fuck. Fuck.”

“And then he left. He left me on the floor bleeding and I never saw him again. And I went fucking insane. I tried to kill myself so many fucking times. So many times, I lost count. That’s what I dream about every night. His laughs, and his ‘Jason, Jason, Jason’.”

And that was that. That was the story.

The end of Jason Todd.

The both of you cried long and hard that night in each other’s arms. Eventually, you both lied down on the pillows together, underneath the covers.

“Please don’t tell Bruce,” he whispered to you.

Your head was on his chest, his big arms wrapped around your waist, your legs tangled with his.

You smiled at that. Even with the trauma, even with the sense of abandonment he felt, he still wanted to protect Bruce from knowing the truth.

Because the both of you knew that the truth would kill him.

“I promise,” you whispered back.

And then the both of you fell asleep together.

***

“Has Jason been sleeping in your room with you?” Bruce asked you on one fine Saturday morning at breakfast.

It had been about a week and a half since the first time Jason knocked on your door and poured out his feelings to you.

“He gets nightmares,” you tried to explain.

He thought that if he told you everything, the nightmares would stop. But it didn’t. But he then realised that the only thing that made it better was sleeping by your side, having someone there to wake him up from living his own hell in a loop.

“And do the two of you… Just sleep?” Bruce frowned.

“Yes!” you widen your eyes in horror at the insinuation. “Bruce! Come on!”

“I know you have feelings for him, and I’m sure he does for you as well. But I don’t think something like that is what Jason needs right now,” he stated.

“Yes, I know!” you groaned at the thought having that kind of conversation with him, “Jesus, Bruce. I know. I’m just there to wake him up or help him fall back asleep. Nothing more.”

Bruce nodded, deep in thought. “Has he… told you? About what happened?”

You pursed your lips. “Yes.”

“You’re not going to tell me?”

“No.”

“Hmm,” his frown went deeper. “I understand. He will tell me when he is ready.”

“Exactly,” you smiled, hiding the fact that Jason may never tell Bruce what happened. Never the full story.

“He still hasn’t left the manor?”

“No,” you sighed, “I asked him if he wanted some fresh air. Just outside the main door, not even going down the steps. But he refused. Told me to, and I quote, ‘Fuck off’.”

“Well, he’s only just left the cave, and it’s just to your room,” Bruce thought out loud, “It’s still progress. Especially since he’s been talking to you about the past.”

“He only spoke about it one time,” you said, “And then never again.”

“I see,” he hummed, “And you’re okay with him sleeping with you?”

“Next to me, Bruce, sleeping next to me,” you corrected.

“Yes, and you’re okay with that?”

“Yeah, it’s all good,” you assured him, “I can kick him out any time I want- but I don’t want to. He looks like a lost puppy sometimes.”

“An angry lost puppy.”

You chuckled at that and couldn’t agree more.

*** While Jason got the sleep he needed when he was next to you, it was counterproductive on your end. You had never been with anyone before, and definitely had not slept on the same bed with another man.

So to feel his body heat and breaths against your skin, his occasional light snores, it made your mind go on hyperdrive.

Most of the time, the two of you would just lie down, your back against his front, or your backs against each other, or both on your backs just staring at the ceiling- and talked. You would be the one talking the most, of course, about anything you could think of. You would tell him about your day, your patrols, something you read about online, or the current news.

But that one particular night during week three of him sleeping next to you, the two of you were silent. It wasn’t an awkward or uncomfortable silence, but the kind of silence that was pleasant and was better described as a peaceful quiet.

You had your back pressed against his front and his arm was lazily draped over your waist. It was a cold night, and you were wearing just a tank top and pyjama shorts, snuggling under the covers that went up all the way to your nose.

Shifting a bit while snuggling comfortably, you pressed yourself against Jason’s body to get more of his heat. But then, you were met with something poking against your lower back.

“Ngh, please ignore that,” Jason huffed.

Oh.

For some reason, you forgot that Jason was a physically healthy male who was capable of having sexual thoughts and feelings. All this while, you thought you were the only one.

“Are you- uh- is that- uh-” you stuttered, feeling your face flush with heat.

Feeling your body suddenly alert with excitement.

“Yes, it’s my fucking penis,” he grit almost angrily, “What, never heard of an erection before?”

“Of course I have!” you argued rather defensively, “It’s just- I’m surprised, that’s all.”

“Why?” he demanded, “You didn’t think I could get it up or something?”

“No, of course not!” you denied, “It just didn’t cross my mind, that’s all.”

A pause. Then-

“Well,” he sighed, “You wouldn’t have been wrong.”

Your mind blanked for a second.

“What do you mean?” you asked softly.

“It’s my- fuck- it’s my first time,” he confessed.

“Your first time getting an erection?” you gasped.

“No, you idiot,” he snapped, “It’s my first time getting hard since… since… then.”

Oh. Oh, you were an idiot.

“It’s just- after that- even when I was downstairs, alone and safe, I- I couldn’t,” he told you, “I kept on thinking back to that time and- and I couldn’t. I found it disgusting.”

And immediately, like someone doused you in cold water, any feeling of horniness you had when you first felt his erection against you disappeared. You just felt so sad for him, but also angry. Angry that he had to go through all of that, and angrier that there was nothing you could do about it.

“So, why do you think you’re getting it now?” you asked. Perhaps talking about it in an objective manner would help guide him through his thought process.

“Are you kidding me?” he scoffed, “You’re fucking pressing your ass against my dick, what did you think would happen?”

“Wait, what?” your eyes widen, “You’re hard because of me?”

“No shit,” he said, “You’re hardly wearing any clothes, too.”

You shouldn’t feel happy due to the circumstance and context, but there you were ecstatic that he found you attractive enough to pop a boner after so long.

“Fuck,” he sighed, suddenly pressing himself closer to you.

His hand that draped over your waist when to actually grip it. Then, then, he grinded his hard on against your ass.

“Mmm,” he rumbled deeply, “Feels good.”

There. That was it. You were once again flooded with the feeling of heat that pooled at your stomach, a tingling sensation started at your core. Feeling hot despite the low temperature of the night, you clenched your thighs together, needing the slight pressure.

“Yeah?” you whispered.

“Yeah,” he grinded on you again, and then unexpectedly let out a chuckle.

“What is it?” you smiled, loving it whenever you heard him laugh.

“I thought… For the longest time, I thought I was broken. That he broke me,” he revealed, “I thought I needed to get all Wingardium Leviosa on this little fucker.”

“Oh my God,” you laughed and groaned at the same time, “You’re so fucking embarassing.”

He laughed along with you and continued. “But now I’m hard and- and horny. You made me feel like I’m normal again. Like I’m sixteen again, and getting horny over everything.”

Sometimes, we take the normal things for granted. Food, shelter, clothes. In this case, it was a goddamned boner. In a way, Jason’s erection was symbolic- however funny it sounded. Getting your sexual appetite and need back after being so traumatised was a massive leap for many people who had experienced the same thing.

It meant that Jason was healing well.

“Does that make you happy?” you asked.

“Not particularly,” he admitted, “But I’m definitely not sad either.”

“That’s good enough for now, then,” you beamed.

“Yeah,” he breathed.

Another few moments of silence. You could feel it, his cock pushing into you. However tempted you were to push back and grind, you held yourself still.

“Uh, Jason?” you voiced.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to like, take care of it?” you asked, “I mean. My bathroom is available. Or- there are many empty rooms.”

“No,” he simply stated.

“No?”

“No.”

“It’s kinda poking into me.”

“Just ignore it.”

“Ignore it?” you gaped, “How can I ignore it? You’re literally pressing it into my ass.”

“Well, then do you want to take care of it?” he teased.

You couldn’t argue back. “Fine, I’ll ignore it.”

He chuckled. “I’ll turn around.”

When he made the movement, you suddenly grabbed him by the wrist. “No, it’s fine. Stay here.”

You expected him to tease you like he usually would, make a crass comment, or even a ‘fuck off’.

Instead, he wrapped his arms around you again in silence, and the both of you drifted to sleep.

***

“Do you think this color suits me?” Natalie asked, holding up a floral red dress.

The four of you were at the mall in Diamond District. Now that high school was over, and everyone would be going off to separate colleges in a few months, you tried to spend time with each other as much as you could.

“Any color suits you, Nat,” you rolled your eyes, “You’re hot stuff.”

“Jesus, it’s like you’re shoving it in our faces at this point,” Sarah added, flipping her brunette hair to the side, tight curls flowing down.

“Aw, you guys,” Nat pretended to tear up, “I’m gonna miss you guys so much!”

“Not again,” Alex groaned, “We’ve been through this so many times.”

“I’m gonna be so miserable without you guys,” Natalie continued on, ignoring Alex’s interruption.

“I don’t know,” Sarah shrugged, “I think I’d enjoy New York. I can have pizza parties with the rats in my overpriced apartment.”

You chuckled at Sarah’s joke. Everyone was leaving Gotham except you. Deciding to continue with Robin, you opted for Gotham University- prestigious, old, and most importantly, close to home.

Your phone dinged in your pocket. You opened it to find texts from Dick.

Dick: OH MY GOD. Dick: I’m at the Manor. Dick: Was going to the Cave gym to work out. Dick: AND Dick: JASON IS HERE!!! WHAT DO I DO?!?!

That was new. Jason would usually just use whatever basic equipment he had in his room to work out. The fact that he was at the Cave’s sparring area where all the other fancier work out equipment were was out of the ordinary.

You: Just go. See if he reacts. If he suddenly stiffens and just stay there not doing anything, then leave. If he continues on, then it’s okay to stay- but don’t initiate anything! Dick: OKOKOK

You waited anxiously for Dick’s update. All four of you were now walking towards the food court, but you hardly listened to their bickering. Forty-five minutes passed before Dick texted you again.

Dick: OMG HE TALKED TO ME You: What did he say? Dick: He asked me to pass him his towel. You: That’s all he said? Dick: IT’S PROGRESS OKAY!!

Dick was right. It meant that Dick was now the third person Jason had spoken to. Adding another person to his list of contacts was definitely progress.

You were happy for him.

You:Is he still there? Dick: Nah he left Dick: But WOW he’s looking good. He must have been really going at it. I think he might get bigger than me soon You: All he does now is work out. He’s obsessed. Dick: Yeah I can tell

You decided to leave it at that for now and try to concentrate on your friends, but Dick sent another message.

Dick: ARE YOU TWO HAVING SEX?!?!

You spat out your drink, earning weird looks from everyone.

You: DICK!!!! WTF NO!!

Dick never replied.

***

“Can I ask you for a favor?” Jason asked, his voice breaking the silence of your dark room. The two of you were on your bed, lying down and staring at the ceiling.

“Of course,” you said. It didn’t matter to you what Jason asks for. He hardly ever asked for anything.

“Could you… Take me out tomorrow?” he requested, “If you’re not doing anything else, that is.”

“Uh, sure!” you nodded, surprised. “Where do you want to go?”

“Anywhere,” he shrugged, “It doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah, okay,” you hesitated, “But- are you sure? I mean, you don’t have to go so far so quickly. Maybe you should start with just going to the backyard?”

“No, I’ll be fine,” he insisted. “I’m not a kid.”

“Okay then,” you agreed. “Tomorrow.”

You kept on glancing anxiously at him the next day as he climbed into the passenger seat of your car. He was quiet, but looked perfectly fine.

Switching the engine on, you drove out of the garage and out the large automatic gates. Trees soon surrounded the lonely road on both sides as you descended downhill into town.

“So where are we going?” he asked.

“I thought Robinson Park would be nice,” you said. It was around three in the afternoon, yet Gotham was dark as though the day was ending. It was cloudy, skies grey and wind blowing.

“You’re taking me to a park?” he scoffed.

“It’s more quiet than anywhere else,” you reasoned with him, “Less people. Spacious. Lots of greenery.”

“Whatever.”

Reaching the parking space of the park, you noticed that there were a few cars. Mothers and nannies liked to bring children out to the park around that time. Joggers and teens, college students and retired elderly seeking a little escape from the high rise buildings of concrete and glass.

You turned the engine off and proceeded to open the door, only then noticing Jason stiffening. Looking over to him, you saw that his eyebrows were pulled down in a deep frown, his jaw clenched, his hands in fists on his knees.

You didn’t say anything or make any comment. Leaning back into your seat, you waited until Jason was ready.

About five minutes passed before he took a deep breath, gave you a nod, and then opened his door.

The two of you walked along a path at the park, going deeper inside and further away from your car. There were a few joggers around, some tourists, and some teens taking photos. You saw a group of kids in the distance playing frisbee, and the others were walking their dogs.

An empty bench stood in the middle of the park, overlooking a clearing. You headed there, Jason following closely behind.

“It’s a bit gloomy today,” you pouted, “As if Gotham could be anything other than that, of course.”

You looked at Jason.

He looked like a scared dog being brought out for the first time.

His jittery knees were bouncing rapidly, his wide eyes were darting at every movement, his forehead was covered with a thin layer of sweat, and his breathing was heavy.

“Woah, woah,” you reached out to him, putting an arm on his back. “It’s okay. I’m here. Just listen to me talk, yeah?”

“Yeah,” he gulped.

“Try to calm your breathing,” you instructed, “Deep breaths, Jason. In… out… In… Out… Yeah, see that’s great.”

“Yeah,” he breathed, now calmer. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” you smiled warmly, “You’re doing just fine.”

“No, I’m not,” he strained, “I feel like everything is too big. Too vast. The fucking sky looks like it’s going to crash down on me and at the same time suck me up into a void.”

“And despite all you’re feeling right now, you’re not breaking down or anything, are you?” you tried, “You’re okay, Jason. This is progress.”

“I guess,” he sighed, “I’m just- I’m so used to having four walls and a ceiling. Now everything feels too big.”

“I understand,” you empathized, “Whenever you want to go back, just say the word. Or we can even just go and sit in the car. No problem.”

“Yeah, okay, let’s do that,” he stood up.

The walk back to the car was faster.

“Fuck, I’m so fucking pathetic,” he said, running his fingers through his hair.

“No, you’re not,” you reassured him, “That was great, Jason. Come on, it was your first time outside in two years and a half. Cut yourself some slack.”

“I’m so fucking broken,” he choked.

“Don’t say that,” you scolded, “You’re not broken. And you know what, even if you think you are, we can always fix it. Baby steps. Maybe we can do this once a week. We were out for like, ten minutes? Next week we’ll try fifteen. How’s that sound?”

“Twice a week,” he stated, “I just want to be normal again.”

“Okay, twice a week, then,” you agreed, “We’ll try again in a couple of days, okay?”

“Okay,” he paused, “Thank you.”

“No problemo,” you grinned, “Would you like to stay here a bit longer or shall we go back?”

“Let’s go back.”

“Wanna stop by the diner? You can wait in the car while I ask for a take-away?”

“...okay.”

***

Jason and you had gone out twice more. Once three days after the first time, and the other a week later. The second time he went out, he lasted twenty minutes, though you were sure he was being stubborn on his part. He looked like he was having a heart attack, but he insisted on staying until he hit the twenty minute mark.

The third time, he was much much better. Surprisingly so. The two of you sat down on that bench for half an hour, with you even leaving him alone for a few minutes to get two ice cream cones.

After that, you took him for a drive around the city. He seemed to be more comfortable in the car, so you went all the way from Robinson Park to Diamond District, and back to the manor.

Bruce seemed very pleased with your update, and you swore you could see him actually smile.

“Thank you,” he had told you. “You’ve done more than I could have ever asked of you.”

“It’s no problem, Bruce. Really,” you reassured him.

“I’m his father. He is my responsibility. It’s my fault he’s even in that state. I wish I could do more for him,” he said solemnly.

“The fact that you understand what he needs is more than helpful, Bruce,” you smiled, “Not many parents can do that. You understand and respect him. That’s enough for now.”

He simply nodded.

Ever since your scheduled outings, Jason had become more and more relaxed whenever he was in the manor. He now walked to the kitchen on occasion to mess with Alfred while he cooked meals for him, sometimes sitting in the living room lounging on the couch while reading. Most of the time, though, he was down at the sparring zone of the Cave, working out.

But at night, he would never fail to knock on your door.

And at that particular night, you found yourself in the same situation again while lying down on your side with your back to his front, for the fifth time.

“You officially have to stop calling yourself broken,” you grumbled, “Because that thing poking into my ass is definitely not broken.”

He chuckled lowly. “You complaining, sweetheart?”

Oh, and yes. Jason now had started calling you ‘sweetheart’. Why? You had no clue. It was just a thing that happened. The look on your face when he first slipped it in was probably a sight to behold.

“No shit, I’m complaining, Jason,” you groaned, “You haven’t jerked off, yet? Not even once?”

“Nope,” he popped the P, “I just… I don’t want to… I don’t want to come.”

You sighed, understanding the situation. He had been disgusted with himself because he had ejaculated when Joker… Well, that. You hated to even think about it, so you always shoved the thought away.

“But unfortunately for me, I still get super horny,” he rumbled deeply, pushing his hips into you even more, “So fucking horny.”

“And then I have to suffer,” you complained.

“I can assure you, blue balls are more painful than something poking into you,” he bickered.

“It’s not that…”

“Then?”

“I get horny too, come on man,” you whined, “I’m a hormonal teenage girl. What did you expect?”

“You get horny too?” he whispered after a pause.

“Uh, yeah,” you admitted nervously. Somehow, the mood shifted, and your heart started drumming against your chest.

“Because of me?” he asked.

“Not you specifically, I mean,” you tried to back track, “You’re… Your dick pressing up against me like that, I mean, come on, Jason.”

“Simple question sweetheart,” he told you, “You get horny because of me, yes or no?”

You gulped. “Yes.”

Fuck, why did you say yes? You could have lied. You could have not answered.

“Yeah?” he breathed. You noticed that his hand was now on your hip, right above the waistband of your sleeping shorts, drawing circles onto your skin with his thumb.

You were nervous. The butterflies in your tummy was not helping you calm down.

“Yeah,” you squeezed your eyes shut, as if to protect yourself from anything he had to say.

“Fuck,” he groaned, gripping your hips and grinding his hard on against your ass even more. And did it… Fuck, did it get even harder?

Afraid of saying the wrong thing, and also out of nervousness, you remained silent. Jason’s chest rose and fall against your back, his respiratory rate increasing. His pinky finger slid underneath the waistband, testing the waters before slowly slipping his hand into your pants.

He went in so slowly, as if waiting for you to tell him no, to rip his hand away, to wrench yourself away from him. But you never did, so he went in deeper, caressing the skin beneath your pelvic bone, his heat just burning into you.

“You’re not wearing any underwear,” he commented, voice suddenly husky.

“I don’t wear them to bed,” you informed him.

“You mean to tell me,” he growled, “That all this while I’ve been sleeping next to you and you never had your panties on?”

“It’s more comfortable that way,” you mumbled.

“Jesus Christ,” he cursed. “Thank God I never knew. Would have been torture, and trust me, I know what I’m talking about.”

“Jason,” you gasped.

“It’s true,” he said, “Damn, sweetheart.”

He went lower, closer to your center.

Your core was tingly, small pulses of electricity buzzed through your body as Jason came closer and closer and closer and-

He slipped his hands between your closed thighs and cupped you.

“Mmm,” he moaned softly, “Warm. Fuzzy.”

“Fuzzy?” you laughed, even though you felt like screaming on the inside. Screaming for more.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, burying his face into your nape, taking a deep breath. “You smell nice.”

Oh, shit. You totally forgot about Jason’s aversion to strong smells.

“I’m sorry!” you quickly apologised, “I can switch to an unscented shampoo as well so it wouldn’t be too strong for you.”

“It’s fine,” he said, “I like it on you.”

He ground his hand into your center harder.

“Mmpf, Jay,” you breathed, “What are you doing?”

“I don’t know,” he confessed, “I’ve never touched a girl like this before.”

“Really?” you widen your eyes in surprise.

“I was kept in a cell for two years, I couldn’t exactly talk, let alone touch, anyone can I?” he quipped.

“Right.”

“Teach me,” he said.

“What?” you whispered despite knowing what he meant.

A pause of silence. A deep intake of breath, a slow exhale.

“Teach me how to touch you,” he purred.

Fuck, you felt like exploding.

“Are you sure?” you asked.

“Yes. If you… If you want to.”

Your mind quickly tried to analyse the situation. Bruce had specifically said that Jason didn’t need any complicated matters in the relationship. It made sense. You didn’t want to overwhelm Jason with any confusion or uncertainty.

But at the same time, you’ve been figuring out how Jason thought, bit by bit. He’s told you many times that he just wanted to be normal again, to feel normal, to do normal things. And this was something that was normal, that he should do, that he wanted to do.

And you knew that he probably would take the rejection even worse.

“O-Okay,” you agreed.

Slowly, you separated your thighs, raising the one on top and hooking it over his legs behind you. Due to your shift in position, you felt the minute Jason’s fingers dip slightly into your folds.

“So, uh, this is my first time with a guy as well,” you squeaked, “But I’ll try to guide you.”

You licked your lips.

“Uhm, well, I guess you can start by running a finger up and down between my- oh! Yes, just like that.”

His middle finger slid down to your opening, and then up again slowly. His movements were uncertain, brushing only slightly against your clit unintentionally.

It was different, having someone else touch you. Somehow, despite the inexperience, it just felt better.

“Holy fuck,” he gasped, “You’re so fucking wet. Do you usually get this wet?”

You felt your cheeks heat up. “No? Yes? I don’t know! I can’t feel it.”

“Shit.”

You let him play with you some more, his fingers sliding up and down, sometimes pressing against your fleshy parts, sometimes circling and gathering your wetness, sometimes just parting your lips. Hell, he even tapped the tips of his fingers on you randomly or brushed into your delicate fuzz. You knew he was just exploring, feeling you for the first time.

And that thought made you smile and sigh.

“Teach me how to make you feel good,” he rasped.

“Uh, so your fingers are wet, right?”

“Yeah. Because you’re leaking all over them.”

“Okay, good. Now find my clit. It’s slightly above your finger, okay, to the left a bit. More. Okay, there! Yeah, right there,” you sighed, finally feeling that delicious pressure.

“Here?”

He tapped your clit.

“Ah!” you moaned, “Yes- but don’t just- nevermind, just gently circle it. Clockwise.”

He obeyed, and hell since when did Jason just obey?

He circled you gently, like you said. But he also went so, so slow.

“Faster, Jay,” you panted.

He went faster, making you groan in pleasure.

“Like this, sweetheart?” he muttered, his voice low and cracking, and sexy, and husky. You’ve never heard him sound like that before, and it drove you wild.

“Yeah,” you breathed, “Yeah, just like that. Fuck.”

“Feel good?”

“So good, Jay. Press a little harder now- fuck. Fuck. Yes, perfect. Just like that.”

The pressure built as his fingers did their magic.

“You- you’re surprisingly good at that,” you stuttered, “You sure- mmm- you sure you’ve never done this before?”

“Despite what you think,” he husked in your ear, warm breath tickling you. “I’m very good at following instructions.”

“I can see that.”

“But I’m also good at improvising.”

“Wha- oh. Oh. Fuck! Jason! Oh my fucking god!”

He started pressing even harder, and going even faster, throwing away the slow build you were going for and instead pushing you towards orgasm fast and hard, as if he was determined to prove something to you.

“Feel good, sweetheart?” he purred, “You gonna come soon?”

“Oh my- fuck, yes! Fuck, don’t stop!”

“You want to come for me?” his deep voice rumbled.

“Yes!”

What the hell? When did he learn how to talk like that?

Because with the mix of his heavy pants, his low voice coaxing you, his barrage of pleasure at your clit, you felt the familiar tightening of your core. You threw one hand back and found his hair. Running your fingers through them, you gripped them tight and pulled.

You pulled on his hair as he forced the orgasm onto you.

“Oh my God. Jason, I’m gonna- fuck- I’m- fuck- ah!”

You moaned loudly as you felt your walls flutter, clenching over nothing as you reached your high.

“O-okay, stop, fuck,” your hand went from his hair to his wrist, stilling him. He withdrew his hands from your pants, and went to grip you tight again by the waist.

“Fucking hell, sweetheart,” he groaned, grinding into you. You pushed your ass back, feeling his hardened length against your flesh in your post-orgasm bliss. “Jesus, that was so hot.”

“That was- yeah,” you giggled, “Fuck.”

His face was still buried in your neck. You could feel his lips on your skin.

“Uhm, I can, you know,” you sputtered, “Try to help you out?”

“It’s fine,” he breathed, body still tight against yours, “Just go to sleep.”

“Are you sure?” you asked again, feeling guilty that he didn’t get off. “I don’t mind.”

“I do,” he said, “It’s okay, sweetheart. That was great. I enjoyed that. I told you, I don’t want to come.”

“Okay,” you sighed.

“Go to bed.”

“Thank you, Jason.”

“Fuck, I’m so horny.”

“Jason,” you whined, “Really, I can help-”

“I’m kidding,” he chuckled, “Goodnight.”

You pursed your lips.

“Goodnight.”

[wonderlustlucas]

four - hwang hyunjin

⇢ prompt They say good things come in fours. Who? Couldn’t tell you, but they especially do during Christmas. Maybe that’s just Saint Nick. ⇢ pairing hyunjin x female reader ⇢ word count 11.7k ⇢ genre fluff ⇢ warnings swearing. mentions of alcohol & s e x. teenagerz being teenagerz. insane amount of fluff & stupidity. kind of ends w a smutty cliffhanger. ⇢ summary After suppressing how you felt about Hyunjin back in high school, you thought you were done going back on your feelings. Turns out, a little time apart, the spirit of Christmas, and an accidental nap is the perfect cocktail for falling in love with your best friend.—friends to lovers!au ⇢ a/n hello & merry christmas! here is a gift for you all on this very merry day. also, thank you for 1,000 followers! that in itself is one of the best presents i could ask for. thank you for all your kindness & support on my blog & for following me in the first place! it truly means so much to me. i hope you enjoy reading! ♥︎

big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇[now] Sorry! I just woke up

big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇[now] Whats wrong fool

big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇[now] Did u rlly think 12 texts were gonna wake me up?🤦🏻‍♂️ godt damn u on some WACK shit

You roll your eyes in time with each consecutive text that Hyunjin sends, waiting for the lock screen of your phone to blacken after reading them. He’s about as useless as pedals on a wheelchair, you think, ignoring the texts and forcing the device into the snug back pocket of your jeans before transferring the last two excessively packed grocery bags into the trunk of your car with an exhausted huff. Christ, if the bagging lady put one more item in those bags, she would be the one to blame for six cans of soup rolling about the parking lot.

The license plate rattles when you slam the trunk lid closed before hurrying around to the driver’s side and anxiously hopping inside to start blasting the heat. It is obnoxiously chilly for the first of September. Well, not really. Your body is just beginning to get used to the ungodly wrath of summer’s sweltering heat leaving you in a constant state of sweat and nausea for the past three months. Not that you’re complaining, of course. You nearly did somersaults of joy when the morning news reported a temperature of sixty-one degrees with some wind gusts and welcomed the beginning signs of autumn with open arms.

You would never admit to Mom who told yo uon the way out to change out of a tank top or at least wear a jacket, but yes— you are, in fact, cold. But now you have godsent warmth blowing from the vents and the seat warmer on its highest setting beginning to thaw away the goosebumps painted on your skin. Giving your arms one last rub, you lean up enough to retrieve your phone and open the conversation with Hyunjin.

[2:37 PM] YN: please. smell my balls

[2:37 PM] YN: nothings wrong btw. i was GOING to ask if u wanted any specific snacks for tn buttttt someone didn’t answer

[2:37 PM] YN: and excuse u i called too. i may be an idiot but im not stupid

[2:38 PM] YN: ik u would never hear a text when ur having wet dreams of yeji

You stop there with a smug smirk when the three dots on his side appear, knowing you’ve hit his funny bone with this one.

[2:38 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: Bruh

[2:38 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇 :I’ve literally never have had a wet dream ab Yeji pls stop

You cannot fight your shit-eating grin, thumbs circling over the keyboard in thought as he apparently deletes whatever other text he was going to send when the three dots disappear.

[2:38 PM] YN: mmhmmmm

[2:38 PM] YN: because last time you slept over you weren’t whimpering her name in ur sleep

[2:38 PM] YN: sureeeee

You decide to end your teasing there and continue once you’re home. It is starting to get late, after all, and Mom will begin to worry that the creepy employee always in aisle sixteen has abducted you. Plus, you’re cruel and like to watch Hyunjin suffer. Switching the ringer off, you throw your phone into the cupholder and drastically lower the heat and turn off the seat warmer. It’s starting to feel like a sauna in here, and not in a fun way. Can’t understand how anyone enjoys hanging out in a sauna to begin with anyway, but to each their own, you guess.

In the five-minute drive it takes until you are pulling into the driveway, Hyunjin calls three times. He is incredibly peeved at your lack of a response to his distressed texts and still wound up from your text about Yeji. As if! You’re already a clown not realizing his ever-growing affections for you, but to think he had a crush on Yeji? You’re the whole damn circus!

By the time he calls a fifth time, now sat up on his elbow in bed and strumming an annoyed beat of his fingers at his thigh because he really just wants to yell at you for being the most annoying person alive (and maybe to hear your voice, too), you have brought in the last of the bags and look to Mom who has started to put the groceries away and expects you to half-heartedly do the same.

“It’s Hyunjin. He’s having an existential crisis because I haven’t answered his texts,” you explain to her, unenthusiastically holding your phone as it vibrates against your palm. Half of you wants her to ask to finish putting everything away first just so you can torture him even longer. Alas, such extravagant wishes are denied, because when it comes to Hyunjin, your parents would undoubtedly throw you under the bus just to keep that boy happy. And so, just like any other time, Mom’s undying love for Hyunjin has her dismissing you from the kitchen with a hearty laugh.

“Jesus Christ! What?” You hiss, halfway up the stairs when you tap to answer his call on the last ring.

“Wow! Look who finally decided to answer!” Hyunjin shouts back, the swoosh of his sheets once he finally falls back against his pillow again rustling all too loudly through the phone. “I was driving,” you spit, marching into your bedroom and collapsing against your bed, the same rustle of your blankets sounding loudly into his ear. “There’s a thing called the speaker, ___. Ever heard of it?” He retorts, evidently shutting you up and he knows he won this round if your silence is anything to go by.

“Whatever,” you groan, using all your toe strength to kick the sneakers off your feet by their soles, “what was so important that you couldn’t wait and had to call me five billion times?”

“I had a question. And you hurt my feelings.” Well, shit. You can practically hear and see his pout through the phone and your heart positively swells in your chest at how undeniably, unjustifiably cute he is. You sigh.

“I’m sorry for making fun of you about Yeji. I’m going to do it again but next time I promise I won’t pull the wet dream card,” you apologize frankly; because, in all honesty, it would be worse to say you are not going to do it again when you most certainly will. Bullying Hyunjin is fun, what can you say?

Hyunjin heaves an exasperated breath from his lungs because he knows there is no point in arguing with quite possibly the most sarcastic human he knows and that’s the best form of an apology he’s going to get. Whatever. He’ll make sure to wipe his morning snot and droll on your shirt in the morning. “Anyway,” he grumbles, in the background you hear Kkami bark from a few rooms over, “I was going to ask if you wanted to come over my place instead? I know your parents probably want to see me and stuff but mine are out of town for the night so we can sleep in my bed until like three without Mom waking us up to force feed breakfast.” You roll your eyes. Of course your parents want to see him.

“Plus, Mom just put that grey comforter I know you really like on my bed so we can cuddle all night and watch stuff on YouTube,” he quickly adds as a convincing afterthought. He’s really got his sales pitch going on this one. Truth is, you have only slept in his bed with that stupidly soft blanket twice last winter break, but it’s still sweet that he remembers how much you loved it (aka how quickly you fell asleep and how grumpy you were being woken up because it’s just that darn cozy). Either way, you would never pass up an opportunity to snuggle up with Hyunjin in the comfort of his own bed with his citrusy, floral scent on the pillows luring you to sleep.

“My Mom is going to be heartbroken, Hyunjin,” you tease, “but who cares. You had me sold at sleeping until three. Do you still want me to bring the snacks I got?”

“Oh, thank God. I love your Mom’s cooking but I haven’t left bed all day and I really want to keep it that way. And yes, please. I’ve been eating dry cereal for the past two hours.”

“Hyunjin, have you brushed your teeth yet?”

“No. Didn’t you just hear me? I said I’ve been in bed all day. Eating cereal. When would I have brushed my teeth?”

“You’ve officially taken breakfast in bed to a whole new level, Jin. I’ll see you in a few hours. Oh, and please, you have no concept of personal space so make sure you brush your teeth before I come over.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Love ya, bye,” Hyunjin promptly hangs up, probably eager to get back to binging whatever drama he’s watching before you lecture him about his hygiene again. Not that it matters, anyway; chances are, it went in one ear and right out the other and you’re going to drag him out of bed later to brush his teeth.

Damn. You didn’t even get the chance to say love you back. Not that it matters.

It doesn’t, you quickly shut down the pesky thought that keeps you up at night and force it back into the storage part of your brain labeled ‘Deal with Later,’ because, really, you’ll have to think about that later. It’s not that you don’t want to think about it yet… you just don’t have the time to stop and really figure out what your feelings toward Hyunjin actually are. Yeah. That’s it.

And now isn’t the time, you tell yourself, scooting up the mattress in order to bury your face in the pillows to suffocate the pounding throb in your head. Hyunjin is nothing special.

Well, no. That’s a lie. Everything about Hyunjin is special. Anyone with eyes, ears, even a nose can sense that. You had quickly found out just how wonderful he is when you met him freshman year of high school. At the time, he was everyone’s sweetheart by the first day, but it just so happened his eyes were all on you.

He was obviously adorable, and every class you had together he always made a point to talk to you and returned your sarcasm with an impressive level of expertise. So, when it came to him asking you to the first homecoming, the answer was yes without a second thought. But during the last slow dance of the night, with his hands gently holding your waist, he at last listened to his conscience and revealed that as much as he liked you, he truly did not want to date in high school. Or right then, at least. And honestly, you were glad; Hyunjin was quite possibly your favorite person you had met thus far, and you would have rather kept him as a friend than commit to a relationship the second month of school and risk losing him later down the road.

And boy, keep him as a friend you did. As it turned out, Hyunjin grew to be your truest, best friend in high school. Sure, you each had your own friend groups, but the two of you were the iconic pair everybody knew. But strictly platonic, despite the rumors and wishes that went around for the next four years. You like to think that neither of you ever developed feelings past what everyone feels toward their best friend— an innocent, wholesome sort of love.

But when had things changed? Hormones, as always, were definitely a big part of it. Hyunjin was always a cutie, but it wasn’t until he grew into his own skin and developed a newfound confidence did you start to see him differently. Until everyone saw him differently. Neither of you missed the way people stared him down, pupils dilating every time he ran his fingers through the black tufts of his hair, hearts aching for some sort of interaction. Or when you started attending parties, groups of girls would fling themselves at him in a blundering disarray, most of which he would turn down with a gentle dismissal that flew over their heads, too drunk to actually care.

But then there were times his dick made the decision for him, desperation and deprivation weighing in on him and you’d watch with a tight jaw as he’d leave the room with the pretty girl of the night skipping after him. You never realized it was only on those nights did you wind up in the back seat of Han Jisung’s car.

But even after the physical attraction sizzled out over time, things were not the same. Hyunjin wasn���t your hidden little treasure anymore. All eyes were set on him and it took more than a glass of water to swallow your jealousy. But why? Why were you so resentful all of a sudden?

It’s hard to share Hwang Hyunjin, you decided. Once established that you were his main hoe and he was yours, it became a significant burden watching others try and get in between. Not that they did it with a malicious attempt to separate you, but it still hurt. You’re selfish, and you admit it— Hyunjin, quite frankly, is the love of your life. Romantic or not, nothing could change your feelings toward him. It goes beyond his unfathomable beauty and spunky personality. Everything about him from his nose to his hands, to his distaste for onions and the way his face scrunches up when he lets out that giggle of his and even to the way he prefers to sleep against the wall but will force you to when you’re over so he can “protect you in case there’s a monster” all mount into this big, giant section of your heart set aside for Hyunjin.

So despite your efforts to ignore the pang of jealousy each time he would find a potential someone or the joy whenever he’d find his way back because “they kept wanting to hang out in the morning even though I said I don’t wake up before noon,” this Hyunjin-shaped hole in your heart seems to only grow the longer you ignore it. Kind of like every medical condition out there: the longer you ignore it, the worse it gets. So, basically Hyunjin is your heart disease.

Yikes. Sounds a lot worse when you try putting it into words.

Well, he won’t be your heart defect for long if he keeps ruining those pearly whites of his by only brushing once just before bed, you chuckle to yourself, rolling to your side at the sudden lack of oxygen between your face and the pillow. There’s a fleeting moment without thought when you unconsciously reach for your phone to check for any notifications before the fattest revelation of them all falls from the ceiling and smacks you right upside the face.

Shit. Looks like you’ve gone right ahead and totally dissected each and every fiber of your feelings for Hyunjin.

Blinking up at the ceiling, the weight of your emotions isn’t as heavy as you expected them to be. Instead, it’s more of a breath of fresh air, as if you have finally accepted the way things fell instead of ignoring them. Your feelings for Hyunjin have always been there. It just took a little effort to get them out.

Nevertheless, it is going to be difficult hanging out with him in a few hours with your exposed emotions still needing to be processed. Especially when he will pull you to his side and keep you nestled there the entire night. Rubbing your temples, you realize it will take some serious self-control to put everything on the back burner and just enjoy the time spent with Hyunjin.

Sighing, you check the time on your phone again. 3:21 and a text from Hyunjin asking if you could bring green tea.

“Mom!” You yell, defeated. “You were right!”

You used to think Hyunjin lived far away. Truthfully, he’s only fifteen minutes away if you go ten over the speed limit. But the only way to get to his house entails driving through the chaos of the mall and town center, which adds an extra ten minutes sitting through traffic no matter the time of day.

Now, Hyunjin’s college campus is two hours away. Well, technically five from you, since you’re almost three hours away in the opposite direction. So you’re lucky if you get to see him once a month with how hectic school becomes and how difficult it is trying to plan to come home the same weekend. Fortunately, it has worked out this semester. And while you should spend this time with your families, they know how much you crave one another’s company as the weeks drag on. The twenty-two minutes it takes getting to each other’s homes is totally worth it.

You expect Hyunjin to tell you to use the key hidden underneath the resin meditating frog statue in the front garden to unlock the front door when you text him you have arrived, but to your utmost surprise, he’s there, awake, to open the door for you.

“Stinky!” You yell, dropping your things on the floor to burry yourself in his embrace, standing on your tippy toes to wrap your arms around his neck in order to really get the full experience of hugging your favorite giant. “Poopy!” He shouts in return, long arms winding tightly around your waist and even going so far as to lift you up a few inches. God. Hate when he does that.

“Why are you up? I thought I’d have to let myself in with you sleeping all your problems away,” you ask, smiling gratefully when he bends down to pick up your bag. “I realized Kkami hadn’t been out all day, so I came down to let him out and find actual food,” Hyunjin explains as he makes way into the kitchen, opening the back door to let said dog back inside. “Aw, poor thing,” you pout, squatting to scratch at Kkami’s neck when he zooms faster than the speed of light to you, “does that mean you brushed your teeth?”

“I did, actually,” Hyunjin snorts right back, scrunching his nose at you before turning away to open the fridge. Sitting on the floor with Kkami in your lap, you take the opportunity to finally get a good look at Hyunjin now that he’s distracted. And of course, he looks good. Really good. Last time you saw him he still was a brunette, a look he rocked during the spring and summer months. This is the first time you’ve seen the freshly dyed black hair in person. Even though he always looks handsome, something about Hyunjin with black hair completely changes his aura. Brings back memories of how badly you wanted him in high school. You shiver at the thought.

And, to top it all off, how he manages to stay in such disgustingly good shape despite his atrocious eating habits never ceases to amaze you. Like, come on. The boy eats worse than a raccoon seven days out of the week, lives off boba, works out maybe five times a month, dances in his free time and still keeps his body in tiptop shape. God, you hate him. His pediatrician probably hates him, too. You even go as far as to sniff the fries in your dining hall and you gain five pounds.

Even now, he looks unnecessarily regal in the baggy material of his sweatpants and flannel. And the warmth of his kitchen’s ambient lighting does nothing to suppress the heavy thumping of your heart. So casual is his dress, yet how immaculate he looks rummaging the cabinets for a snack.

“Are you hungry?” He asks, the familiar softness of his voice shaking you from your daze as he closes the refrigerator door after his unsuccessful search. Here’s the thing: you really aren’t hungry, but Hyunjin clearly is, so if you say no then all he will be thinking about is food until you decide that you are hungry. “Yeah,” is what you say, nudging Kkami off your crossed legs to stand, “I brought green tea and a few snacks, but we could order Chinese food or something. The place near Dunkin’ and the gas station makes bubble tea now, too.”

Hyunjin’s brows shoot up, flashing his boxy smile. “Is it good?”

“I mean, I’ve only had their pork dumplings and mango tea before, and it was pretty good. I don’t know about their noodles or anything, though,” you shrug, moving to stand beside him at the kitchen island. Distracted by Kkami trying to jump onto the sofa in the living room, you don’t look to Hyunjin until the poor dog is successful in doing so. Startled to find him already gazing down at you, your heart truly is not prepared for him to go right ahead and wrap his arms around your waist, resting his chin on your shoulder. Totally not freaking out or trying to overthink his need to constantly cling, you justify his actions by quickly recalling the time he said, “My head is too godtdamn big for my godtdamn body.” More like his head is too heavy because instead of a brain it’s just a chunk of cement up there. He just needs to rest his head sometimes.

Yeah.

“Mm, I don’t know,” Hyunjin hums, swaying your body with his to an unheard tune. By now, any coherent thought has dissipated into thin air and all you can do is melt against him. “Why?” You manage.

“’Cus if we order anything that means I’ll have to get up and get it.”

“Oh my God, Hyunjin, really?” You laugh. Your hands naturally glide to where his are linked at your stomach, pressing to interlock your fingers overtop his. “If that’s the only reason for your uncertainty than I could always come get it, idiot.”

“No! It’s okay,” Hyunjin says, jumping back before you can even process it, “I’m not that hungry anyway.”

“Ohhh ‘kay,” you laugh breathlessly, whiplashed by the whole thing. Good thing you aren’t hungry, because when was the last time Hyunjin turned down food? Blinking at him precariously, he doesn’t seem to notice until one too many seconds of silence pass by.

“C’mon,” he demands excitedly, jumping back into reality, “my roommate told me to watch this anime called Soul Eater but I wanted to watch it with you.” Once again, before anything can even register past every single That Was Cute™ alarm ringing in your brain, Hyunjin is grabbing your bag and reaching for your hand, leading you out of the kitchen and upstairs.

You and Hyunjin binge aforementioned anime until he falls asleep first around 2 AM, only stopping to order food an hour in (he’s an indecisive man indeed), to get up to retrieve it, and to actually eat while catching up. For most of the night, you are able to forget the way his heartbeat against your back mirrored your own in the kitchen. But then, a little while after you fall asleep yourself, Hyunjin unconsciously shifts closer and you spend another hour blinking at his relaxed hand twitching against your abdomen, trying to keep the hurricane inside your heart at bay.

You can’t make it home October. Hyunjin texted you to let you know he was going to be the third weekend in, and you tried desperately to manage your time in order to make it work. But one group project in chem lead to another paper in psych and before you knew it, your roommate was listening to you sob over a boy and curse out your classes.

September left you emotionally wrecked, to be totally honest. You hate Hyunjin and you hate the way he makes you feel and you especially hate how realizing you have a crush on him makes you unsure if everything he does is his way of hinting he feels the same or if he’s always been this touchy and you are just now recognizing it. So, missing a month of seeing your favorite human being essentially means missing another day of trying to decipher which actions of his go in the Friend list, and which go in the Questionable list. And that, my friend, is unacceptable.

You absolutely cannot not go home this month. November is the calm before the storm (the storm being exams looming the second week of December), and while it would be beneficial maybe staying on campus to continue preparing, you tell yourself going home will be just as helpful. Mental breaks, and stuff. Totally not just to see Hyunjin.

Either way, Hyunjin asks you if you would join him on the seventeenth to go to his second cousin’s christening and you absolutely cannot say no when you know how bored Hyunjin gets at family events when they aren’t for him. And so, fast forward to the third Sunday of November and you are ready to pass out ten minutes after entering the church.

“I’m so happy for you two! I always knew you would last into college,” one of Hyunjin’s aunts exclaims, pinching your cheeks but the only pinch you feel is that of your heart.

Clearly she is misinformed, or just prone to jumping to conclusions but yet again, you can’t really blame her with how couple-y you and Hyunjin are. Past the single tunnel vision of your gaze, you watch her smile falter when Hyunjin goes rigid beside you and oh my God this is the most embarrassing moment of my life, his whole family thinks we’re dating and here we are still stuck in each other’s friendz—

“I’m glad you think so, imo,” Hyunjin suddenly picks up, sneaking an arm around to rest his hand on your hip, tugging you close, “I don’t know what I’ll do if she ever decides to leave me.”

It’s nice to think that he means it, to imagine that you are here not as a tag-along but to join him in a family ceremony because you are part of the family. The thought turns your blood to sugar and everything surrounding you falls apart; you listen to the rest of their conversation without processing it, the precise detailing in the marble pillars blurs into a mass of white, and you still feel his strong hold on the curve of your waist yet you are lost in the swam of possibilities.

How lovely it would be to live up to her assumption. To ‘last into college’ as a couple, not as best friends. To be able to call him yours even when you’re not together, to come home and kiss his lips, to sleep in his bed and it mean more than the laziness of blowing up the air mattress. At some point, he leads you into the third pew to sit beside his parents, and when you greet them with a hug all you can think about is them viewing you as more than their son’s friend.

God, you hate it.

You’re not as religious as Hyunjin and his family. But for the first time in years, you find yourself looking to the crucifix during the service and praying to whoever is up there to give you some strength and patience, because Lord do you need it.

Hyunjin is a funny guy.

Or so he thinks.

It’s not that he isn’t funny. It’s just— compared to your friends Minho or Changbin, he isn’t at the top of the list. When you think of Hyunjin, the first words that pop up are soft, loud, and dramatic.

It’s not that he isn’t funny. He’s just weird.

Insanely, ridiculously weird. For example, the time he called Jeongin a vitamin. Or the time he slapped half a bottle of sunscreen on his face. Or his random bouts of dancing at inappropriate moments. Just to name a few.

After the Baptism, Hyunjin acted like nothing happened. Didn’t even bring it up. Not even a joke. After the ceremony, you joined his family for a luncheon, which just involved the two of you being weird and making peculiar dancing videos on SnapChat with the swirly filter and complaining about school for a few hours until he drove you home. Obviously you stopped for food again on the way.

But that was it. Things went on as normal, and you returned to campus later that night and forced the whole experience to the back of your brain. It was officially grind season, and grind season meant studying for exams. No parties. No boys. And certainly no Hyunjin.

You both were home for winter break in the blink of an eye. And in normal Hyunjin style, he sort of vanished for the first week. Probably catching up on his strict sleeping schedule, you presumed, and accepted the fact that it was going to be a few days before you saw or even heard from him. The only anticipation you felt was wanting to give him his Christmas gift.

After what seems like an eternity away from Hyunjin, you get out of the shower on this fine Saturday before Christmas to find a slew of texts from him.

[5:52 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: Aloha mamacita

[5:52 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: How do u feel about getting froyo tn

[5:52 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: We can get fat and then u can sleepover aaaand

[5:52 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: We can stare at the wall for a few hours

[5:52 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: And

[5:53 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: *cough*

[5:53 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: Exchange Jesus gifts

See? Weird. Who wants froyo when it’s thirty degrees out?

[5:53 PM] YN: “aloha mamacita”

[5:53 PM] YN: uHmmmMMM

[5:53 PM] YN: im down mr president

[5:54 PM] YN: why do u want ice cream in winter tho. don’t u want like

[5:54 PM] YN: hot chocolate or seomthing

Obviously not. Two hours later, Hyunjin arrives to pick you up for froyo despite all your efforts in convincing him maybe you could take the train to the city and watch a light show, or simply drive around and swoon over the rich people houses and their Christmas decorations. He didn’t budge. This leads you to your second question of the day: why is it that when you threw on sweats for the occasion you called yourself a hag, but upon entering Hyunjin’s car you make a mental note of how hot he looks when he’s wearing the same exact thing? You groan at the thought. It’s because it’s Hyunjin, of course.

“Bonjour, mademoiselle,” he greets, flicking your forehead once you settle into the seat of his Subaru WRX because he’s a hotshot and likes to flex that he can drive a manual. Not really— the car is absolute garbage by now, having been his Dad’s old car (his Dad likes to flex too, apparently). However, Hyunjin takes care of it enough for it to seem five years old instead of ten, and, either way, watching him work the stick shift is unexplainably hot.

You swat his hand away. “Drive, bitch,” you huff, twisting to buckle yourself in. Once he’s reversed out of your driveway, you glance back to find him fighting against a devilish smirk.

“So,” you start once he has navigated out of your neighborhood. His brow twitches up. “Are you taking Hawaiian and French at school? You’ve been throwing quite a lot of languages at me recently.” Hyunjin shoots you an unamused look. You return it with a wrinkle of your nose.

“Anyway,” he ignores your teasing, pausing to switch gears for whatever reason so he can make it through a yellow light, “how did your exams go?”

“Well, you know…” You trail off, looking to your window. It feels a lot later than eight o’clock. With it getting dark so early in the evening nowadays, it feels as if nighttime is always following you.

“You know… what?” Hyunjin interrupts your daze, concern laced in his voice. “They were fine. I passed everything, I’m just worried about my major,” you explain sadly, barely glancing at him before you are turning back to the window to stare at the moon. Must be nice being a moon. Just get to hang out in the sky watching everyone and being watched.

“I mean, if you want to switch, now’s the time. Better do it now before the second semester,” Hyunjin advises, wise as always. Not really, but he’s right. “What are you thinking of going into?”

Yikes. He’s going to kill you.

“Nursing,” you blurt.

“Oh my Lanta, ___, are you serious?” He groans, stopping at a convenient red light presenting the perfect opportunity for him to smack his forehead on the wheel. Dramatic. “How are you gonna manage that? You’ll practically be two years behind everyone else!”

“I know,” you sigh, throwing your head back on the headrest, “that’s the problem. Bio just isn’t doing it for me. I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life in a lab watching mitosis. I need something more rewarding, so theoretically nursing is a perfect start. I don’t know, though.”

“Why don’t you switch to interior design or something? We could get our own HGTV show, ___,” he says, but you don’t meet his gaze when he glances over because beneath his words, you can sense some serious hopefulness. Interior design would be cool, but you’ve never considered that as a career choice. You once helped your parents pick out everything when they redid a bathroom at home and that turned out great, but as a major?

“I don’t know, man. I’ll have to talk to my counselor about it, I guess,” you shrug, pulling the hood of your sweatshirt over your head and tightening the drawstrings until the material covers your eyes, “why can’t you audition to be a K-pop star or something? I could be your manager. Heck, even your makeup artist. I’ve done your makeup before, remember?”

Hyunjin laughs, loud, and the sound sinks deep into your heart and makes you feel warm all over. Stress? Gone.

For the next few minutes or so, the ride is comfortably quiet. At some point, he turns on the radio and Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” floods your brain and reminds you to look forward to exchanging Christmas gifts later. God, you hope he likes it. You really went out on the sentimental gifts this year.

Hood shielding your vision, you jump when his large hand suddenly comes to grab the top of your head, squeezing hard and you imagine he’s trying to press some hopefulness into your brain. “Hand on the penis stick, Hwang,” you bark, blindly reaching for his own head across the way and pulling his ear when you do so. Good Lord, you hope no one can see into the car because… what.

Hyunjin lets out a giggle this time, reaching to pull you into a headlock and even though he’s got your head shoved up against his sturdy chest and goes on to give you a noogie, you’re stuck being all high and loopy on the sound of his happiness. And hey, it’s nice to know you’re the cause of it.

“We’re literally parked, idiot. If you had your hood down you would’ve realized,” Hyunjin snickers, releasing you after watching you struggle for a few seconds. Jerking away from him, you swiftly pull back your hood. “Oh,” you laugh, reading the flashy Yogo Factory sign above the building in front of you, “you could’ve just told me instead of watching me bask in misery.”

Hyunjin suitably ignores your moaning and groaning by getting out of the car and standing in front of the car, illuminated by the headlights. Why? Why must he look so scrumptious in his black hoodie and grey sweatpants and four-year-old white Nike sneakers? He has no gosh darn right!

After fixing the mess he made of your hair, you at last join him outside the car, shooting him another glare and moving ahead of him to open the shop’s door without waiting for him. “From now on, we have to start texting each other what we’re wearing before we go out, ‘cus this looks a little ri-donk-ulous,” Hyunjin whispers in your ear as you make your way to the cup selection, trying to ignore all the stares you— no, he is getting along the way.

“What do you mean?” You ask, plucking two medium sized cups up before turning to look at him. Then you look down at yourself. Oh. Looks like you’re both wearing the hoodie from junior spirit week. “Nice.” Just Couple Things™!

Back to Hyunjin being weird— why did he drag you all the way out here just to get a cup of chocolate frozen yogurt and maybe half a scoop of peanut butter chips?

Meanwhile, he watches in absolute disgust as you blow through your own dessert. Vanilla yogurt with probably every topping offered because you physically cannot make a decision, especially when they have chunks of cookie dough up there.

“So,” Hyunjin starts, trying not to look you in the eye considering you look like a goblin shoveling globs of diabetes down your throat, “have you talked to Jisung recently?”

You choke on a Fruity Pebble at his inquiry, prompting him to reach across the table and slap your back a few times until your esophagus is cleared. “Ugh,” clearing your throat one last time, you take a few sips of water while shooting him a glare. Jisung? Really? “How dense are you?” You hiss unintentionally.

Hyunjin raises his hands in defense. “Just a question.”

Yeah, just a question. Dumbass. “I mean,” you laugh awkwardly, “not really. We have a streak on Snap and sometimes we’ll talk occasionally but I don’t text him every day or anything. How about you?”

He shrugs, concentrating instead on stirring his yogurt into a goopy mess. “Eh. We still use our group chat a lot but that’s it. He’s too busy making music in Malaysia.”

You chuckle at this, picking out the boba from your own cup and leaving the rest now that it has started to look like something sold at the Chum Bucket. “That sucks,” you offer, not the best at giving him consolidation, you opt for linking your feet around his own in some weird act of intimacy, “isn’t he coming home for the holidays, though? I’m sure you can all have a reunion soon.”

“Yeah, he is,” Hyunjin hums, suddenly too focused on trying to escape your trap under the table. Annoyed Hyunjin is cute. “Stoooop,” he whines, kicking at your shins before breaking into boisterous laughter at your relentlessness, “I will not hesitate to throw this cup at your face.”

“Yeah, right,” you scoff, “I’d like to see you try.”

At this, Hyunjin drops his stupidly long arms beneath the table and easily captures your foot by the ankle, pulling hard enough for you to slip down your side of the booth. “Hyunjin!” You shriek, panicking slightly at your sweaty hand’s insecure grip against the leather. You’re going to fall. You’re going to fall flat on your ass underneath a table at a frozen yogurt place because the boy you like pulled your foot too hard. Fantastic. Ignoring you, he starts to wiggle your shoe off your foot no matter how hard you try to squirm out of his relentless grip. “Stop trying to eat my toes in the middle of Yogo!”

Finally, he releases your foot, letting it fall limp against his thigh.

“God,” you huff, breathless as you squirm back up your seat, cheeks burning ferociously, “you are such an ass.”

Behind the playful smirk he fails to hide, something darker glints in Hyunjin’s eyes and it makes your heart skip a beat. Then, “We should go.” The suggestion makes the heat of your blush scorch even hotter down your neck and you instinctively turn away, only to find the customers on the other side of the shop watching you with just as perturbed looks. Fantastic, part two.

“Okie,” you squeak out, blinking after him in complete and total bewilderment as to what just happened when he gets up to throw his trash away. Whatever. Following after him, you too toss your cup out before quickly finding your hand engulfed by his larger one as he leads you back outside, the sudden sharpness of the cold air bringing tears to your eyes. You desperately want to ask him what that was about, or why he’s acting so sneaky, but you stay silent, too afraid your voice will come out shaky and vulnerable. Instead, you let him tug you into his side and try to keep up with him no matter how badly your knees threaten to buckle with each glance you sneak up at him.

It’s silent when you enter the car, watching warily as he reverses out of the parking spot and maneuvers through the lot. Your heart rate seemingly cannot slow itself down, adrenaline taking the place of oxygen the longer you stare at him, at the concentrated scrunch to his face, at the cute tip of his button nose and at the swell of his lips and you distantly wonder what would happen if you pulled him into a kiss at the next red light.

In the midst of your daydream Hyunjin clears his throat, bringing you back to reality and you realize with a startle that he has caught you. Jesus Christ! What has gotten into you? You mentally smack yourself upside the head, instantly turning away from his cocky little gaze and staring straight ahead in search of something else to focus on. “___,” he sing-songs, slow and sensual and entirely demolishing the walls you have built around yourself. It is at this red light you wish to simply open the door and run.

“Yes?” You manage, wincing at how small your voice sounds and while looking out his window instead of into his eyes, you notice him grip the steering wheel hard enough to turn his knuckles white. The tension is insurmountable, weighing in heavily on your chest and you desperately wish to arrive home, even though that means having to survive the next twelve hours with him. Anything is better than the small confines of his car.

“What do you want to do when we get home?” He asks, cool as a cucumber. You pale. It is a dangerous question and you do not know if he realizes that. “Um,” you cough, scooting to sit up straight, “whatever you want.” You whisper the last part, genuinely petrified because you have absolutely no idea if your brain is twisting everything to make it seem like Hyunjin is flirting or if things are totally normal. No idea.

“Hm,” he offers, tilting his head in thought, “we shall see.”

Yeah. We shall.

The rest of the ride is quiet, comfortably or uncomfortably you cannot say because you are too busy trying to calm the Spongebob burning office scene occurring inside your own head, hopelessly telling yourself that everything is fine, Hyunjin’s fine, you’re fine. Just pretend like nothing happened, you tell yourself when Hyunjin pulls into his driveway with practiced ease. “Ugh,” he groans after retrieving your bag from the back seat, and you watch with a raised brow as he skips up to his porch, yelling, “I have to pee!”

“Begone with you, piss boy,” you tease, holding the screen door open for him as he struggles to unlock the storm door and pulling on one of his hoodie’s drawstrings just to annoy him. “Stop,” he growls, low and playful but nevertheless sending a swarm of butterflies to your tummy. You ignore him. Finally unlocking the door, Hyunjin shoves the keys into his pocket and seizes your wrist, yanking your arm down with enough force to nearly topple you into him. “Why are you being so annoying tonight?” He frowns at you, nose and brows scrunched in irritation and it is only because of his proximity do you finally soften up.

“Sorry,” you pout back, bringing your other hand up to boop his nose, “I just missed ya.”

“Ew,” he snorts, stepping past the threshold and kicking off his shoes. You follow suit, closing the door behind you and clicking the lock into place as Kkami comes sprinting over. “B-R-B,” Hyunjin announces, presumably bouncing away to the bathroom.

“Oh, boy,” you huff, squatting to pick up the fluffy little dog and hugging him close to your chest, “your dad is making my life very difficult.” Pressing a quick kiss to the top of his head, you put Kkami back down and grab your bag before heading upstairs, knowing Hyunjin is going to take his grand old time and probably take a shit while he’s at it. Plus, you’re impatient and dying to take your bra off.

Aside from what light his Gudetama nightlight offers, Hyunjin’s room is ultimately left dark. Here’s the thing: he used to have a lamp on his dresser, but then he took it with him to college and only brings it home for summer because he’s lazy and sleeps the majority of the time he’s home, anyway. Instead, he put up his little remote-controlled Christmas tree in addition to the lava lamp he has beside his bed. Perfect. For Hyunjin, at least.

Switching both of these on, their subtle glow offers just enough to keep you from banging your toe against something. It’s happened one too many times. Hyunjin’s room isn’t messy— he really isn’t a messy person to begin with, but he will reorganize the furniture in his room fifty times a year and you never know where the crooked leg to his bedside table will be to ambush your pinky toe.

Setting your bag onto his bed, you excitedly fumble past all your layers and unclasp your bra, maneuvering out of it with a delighted exhale just as Hyunjin begins his ascent up the stairs, steps creaking loudly under his heavy trudging. “I’m an idiot,” he grumbles, leaning against the doorframe to catch his breath.

You don’t bother to look at him, opting to quickly retort instead, “We been knew.”

“Ugh,” Hyunjin groans, exasperated, and you finally turn to him after successfully jamming aforementioned undergarment into your bag, “anyways. I don’t know why I didn’t just come up here, because I have to wash my face anyway and you do too and now we’re both going to have to share a sink.”

“Aw,” you coo, tone dripping with sarcasm as you pat his arm, “poor baby has to share the bathroom.”

“I’m actually going to strangle you,” he sighs, nevertheless following after you into the bathroom.

“Kinky.”

Hyunjin glares, unamused as he opens a drawer for his pink bow hairband and your striped pink and blue one that he bought for you, but keeps here for sleepovers. Yeah. He throws it to your face. “Sorry,” you offer, pulling the soft headband up to hold your hair back, “I’ll try to stop. I’m just so used to annoying you.”

“Clearly,” he scoffs, flashing his stupidly cute teasing smile and in your head, you imagine raising a white flag in surrender— he’s got you, he’s won, it’s over. Time to call it quits and head home. Evidently shut up (for now), you offer him a roll of your eyes before turning on the sink to wet your hands before pumping out some of his scrumptious watermelon face wash. Maybe if you scrub hard enough, you’ll manage to rinse away all the overwhelming thoughts of the night, too.

Barefaced Hyunjin is immaculate. Well, Hyunjin is immaculate twenty-four hours out of the day, but barefaced, freshly washed, hair messy, ready for bed Hyunjin is immaculate, and you are one of the few people lucky enough to see this eighth wonder of the world as often as you do.

Now, maybe it has something to do with the unexpected ambiance the light from his laptop, Christmas lights, and lava lamp have created together that makes him look so unfairly beautiful at this given moment. Or, you’re just insanely pussywhipped and looking for an excuse. You try not to think about it.

“Why are you so squirmy tonight?” He asks, frustrated enough to interrupt Kermit singing ‘Shawty I don’t mind’ playing from his laptop. “I’m not,” you defend, a weak argument indeed, given that you have just finished adjusting your position beside him for the umpteenth time.

“I mean, four female Ghostbusters? The feminists are taking over! I’m an ad—”

“___, you’ve touched my dick like four times. Don’t try and tell me you’re not squirmy. What’s wrong?” Hyunjin interrupts a second Vine, and even goes on to talk over ‘I have the power of God and anime on my side!’ like a lunatic. Oh Christ, you have? Surely you would have noticed. “Sorry,” you mumble, embarrassed as you bury your face into the curve of his pectoral and instinctively move your leg settled between his away, “I’m just hot, to be honest.” Technically, it is not a lie. Hyunjin’s family definitely keeps their thermostat at a higher temperature than yours and you always manage to sweat your ass off every time you come over. This time, however, you are certain it has more to do with the assault your heart is facing rather than your sweat glands.

At the sound of his tap against the spacebar to pause the video, you wordlessly and reluctantly sit up from your comfortable spot beside him in order to rid yourself of your heavy sweatshirt. Now, here lies the problem. Sweatshirt: off. Nipples: out. Realistically, Hyunjin has seen your boobs a number of times over the past few years, and even if he hadn’t, he probably wouldn’t even bat an eye. But right now, your heart is on the line, you’re embarrassed and you’re trying to play it extremely safe.

You toss the hoodie to the floor and nestle right back where you were anyway, slinging your right arm over his torso and ignoring his sharp intake of breath when you snuggle closer. “Better?” He asks, voice strained and it literally makes you nauseous. “Yep.”

He resumes the video. You had started early in the night watching Pom Poko, which unsurprisingly ended with the two of you crying at the bittersweet ending, then moved to TikTok compilations on YouTube to cheer up before moving on from them and onto the classic Vine compilations. You paid good attention for the most part, chuckling along with him to ‘What up, I’m Jared, I’m nineteen and I never fucking learned how to read,’ ‘Bruh chill, I don’t know why you in a big time rush,’ and all the other absolute comedic masterpieces. But after the fourth or fifth video of the same six second clips with an occasional rare one, you began to grow bored and decided to do what you do best: admire Hyunjin.

Sure, ‘Come get yo juice!’ followed by the loud smash of the oven made you smile, but you found the flashing lights casting shadows beneath Hyunjin’s eyes and lips much more fascinating. Of course, this is not the first time you have been held so close to him. But it is, however, all too easy to get lost in the sight of him and you’ve noticed recently that you are in desperate need of a map. Whether it’s due to your time away from him or simply an appreciation for untouched beauty you do not know.

Even now, your gaze flickers to his laptop once you hear ‘Get to Del Taco,’ but having already watched it five thousand times you tilt your head upward to catch Hyunjin’s silent giggle at ‘free-sha-voca-do.’ It’s a vicious cycle, really, going back and forth between wanting to simply enjoy the night and realizing enjoying the night lies totally in Hyunjin’s presence. And so, you continue to fall into this trap each time until you pay no mind to the videos at all, basking in the brilliance of Hyunjin’s joyous smile and the warmth his happiness makes you feel. It is this thought that slowly tugs you to sleep, a fight to keep your heavy eyelids open lost until finally, you give in to the comfort and allow yourself to drift off to the sound of ‘Step the fuck up, Kyle.’

You think you are dreaming.

You think.

“___,” the softness of Hyunjin’s voice at the crown of your head eases you from the clutches of sleep and you stretch your locked limbs before curling further into his side. “We didn’t open presents.” Even though you can’t see him, you can hear his pout, and you realize you must be awake to hear the disappointed words caught sluggishly between his lips so vividly. You hum, hesitant to open your eyes because you really want to go back to sleep. Just for a little while. And so, you ask, “What time is it?”

“Just past two,” he whispers.

You hum again, trying to formulate a sensible sentence in the parts of your brain still asleep, “We can… wake up at four. And open gifts. Okay?”

“Okay, weirdo,” Hyunjin chuckles to himself, sliding lower down the mattress after shutting his laptop.

You think you are dreaming.

You think.

You can’t remember ever falling asleep facing each other. But yet again, your brain is clouded beyond capability and now, you know for certain you are dreaming. Hyunjin never faces you.

Blinking slowly, it takes a few seconds for your eyes to adjust to the impenetrable darkness and you struggle to make out the features of Hyunjin’s face. You know you are dreaming, and so you tug him closer, throwing a leg over his thigh and an arm over his waist. Even in your sleep, you feel the sadness pricking at your heart, for even it knows this is only what dreams are made of. You like to make the best of it.

“You know I love you, Jinnie, right?” Your voice comes out funny, drawn out and mumbled like your tongue is numb and you fight the urge to feel for yourself.

“Of course I do. I love you too.” His reply surprises you. You thought he was asleep and, either way, hearing such fond words from him puts your heart at ease. He must be misunderstood.

“No. I mean like… I like you, love you. Like I want to kiss you… kiss you good morning and before bed love you. Send you hearts and take stupid couple pics and… go on dumb dates love you. You know?” Your words feel garbled and incomprehensible the longer you go on, trying to express how you feel when nothing is real proving to be increasingly difficult. God, if only you could do it when things are real.

You start to feel yourself slipping as he mutters a reply, mind in free fall and fuck, fuck, fuck, he’s whispering and you can’t hear him but you are too tired and helpless to wake yourself up to hear it. No, too lost in the next dream to go back. You can’t tell what is real and what isn’t. Christ, were you awake? You can’t tell. All you know is that you are warm, so, so warm and letting sleep take over you once more is the best answer to all your questions.

Hyunjin always says he hates waking people up. Because he’s normally the one needing to be awoken, whenever the roles are swapped he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do.

This time, however, he takes it upon himself to repeatedly smack your face with his pillow. Not a fun experience when it’s coming from someone who fails to recognize his own strength. “Jesus, fuck! Okay!” You hiss, the cloud of sleep abruptly ripped away from you with the slap of his pillow against your skin. Arms raised defensively in front of you, you catch his next swing and tear the pillow out of his grasp to shield yourself all before you have even opened your eyes. When you do so, with the blatant intention just to find where he is and hurl the pillow at him, you are met with the harsh light from his ceiling fan and have to squint past the stinging white light to see his shit-eating grin.

“Was that necessary?” You groan, undeniably annoyed and wanting to glare at him more but needing to rub the ache out of your eyes. “Yes,” is all he says, reaching for your bag and catapulting it to you. He is incredibly lucky you are quick enough to catch it before it thumps against your head. What has gotten into him? Did he eat an entire bag of Pixy Stix while you were asleep? You watch, still dazed from sleep and reeling from the whole pillow smacking attack, as he flings open his closet door and turns back around with two neatly wrapped boxes. You squint to make out the dancing Santa T-rex wrapping paper.

“Oh,” you chirp, understanding, and you unzip your bag to retrieve the large box taking up the majority of space, “thanks for waking me up. I’m surprised you remembered. Did you stay up?”

A rosy blush burns its way across his cheekbones. Odd. “I, um— yeah. No, actually,” he stutters, really odd, given he was bouncing off the walls not even thirty seconds ago, “I set an alarm. You made me sleepy.” Hyunjin sits beside you once you have scooted over, leaning against the wall and crossing his long ass legs. He keeps his eyes trained on the boxes in his hands. “Oh,” you hum, looking to your own gift and suddenly wishing for the mattress to swallow you up, “sorry. I haven’t gotten as much sleep as you on break so far.”

“I don’t think anyone ever has,” he jokes and you finally look to him, sharing a cheeky smile before he gets all shy again, tongue darting out to wet his lips, “um, Merry Christmas, ___.”

It’s a simple phrase, but it makes your heart swell. “Merry Christmas to you too, Hyunjin.” Leaning over, you wrap your arms around his shoulders in an awkward side hug, but still end up feeling all drunk and loopy on love when he eagerly returns the gesture, arms curling around you.

“Okay,” you huff, sitting back, “me first.” You dramatically hold your gift out to him, jittery and nervous all over. Buying for Hyunjin is always hard. He’s just so easy to please, but when you want to do more than just please him it’s a constant battle trying to decide how far out you are going to go for him each year.

You watch impatiently as he tears the wrapping paper open first, and then finally lifts the flaps of the box up. “Aw,” he whimpers, pulling out the quokka plushie and attached certificate, “you adopted a quokka for me?”

You grin when he hugs the soft stuffed animal to his chest, the weight on your shoulders partly lifted from his positive reaction. He reaches back into the box, brow scrunched in thought as he regards the framed picture. “The First Day…?” Hyunjin asks, perplexed as he reads the title above the constellation poster. You scoot closer, leaning over to look it over once more. “This was the constellation of stars on our first day of freshman year. The day we first met.”

“Oh,” Hyunjin sniffs, “that’s really awesome, ___. Thank you. This is coming with me to school.” At this, he hugs you again, probably to hide the tears you know are threatening to spill because Hyunjin is Baby and cries every year. “Anything for my favorite fake Aussie,” you smile, leaning your head on his shoulder as he reads through the quokka adoption letter.

“Okay! Your turn!” He exclaims, setting his gifts back into the box and passing you the smaller one of his. He catches your curious glance to the second one he keeps by his side. “We have to open this one together.”

“Christ, okay. Looks like I’m gonna be crying tonight, too,” you sigh sadly. “Ooh,” jumping ahead of yourself, you wiggle your eyebrows at the white box before you, “Hyunjin if you bought me a Fitbit… I swear to God. How many times have I said I am not working out with you?” However, once you finish tearing open the wrapping paper you find it is not, in fact, a Fitbit.

“It’s not a Fitbit, idiot,” Hyunjin scoffs a second too late, waiting for you to slip the lid off the box. “They’re bond touch bracelets.”

“Explain,” you murmur, enamored but confused at the two little house arrest looking bracelets.

“So basically, we each wear one,” Hyunjin starts, taking one of the bracelets out and a burst of color blooms across its small screen at the motion, “and if you touch it, mine vibrates and I ‘feel’ your touch.” As he explains, he buckles it around your wrist, twisting it so it lies correctly. You silently take the second one and help it on him, brain too caught up to actually say anything.

“Try it,” Hyunjin whispers, suppressing his excitement.

You gingerly bring a finger to the little screen, tapping it once, twice. Nothing happens. Frowning, you try again, tapping and holding, then a second time, and finally— a strip of pink light appears and the bracelet gently vibrates as you tap and hold a random pattern. In response, the bracelet on Hyunjin’s wrist lights up blue, buzzing in the same pattern.

“Oh, Hyunjin,” you sniffle, fighting back your own tears because you refuse to let yourself ugly cry in front of him, “this is amazing. Now I can annoy you year-round. Thank you so, so much. I love you so much.” He hums, pulling you close when you turn to give him a proper hug. To your utmost surprise, however, instead of letting go he curls one fist into your side and helps swing your legs over to straddle his lap. “Oh.”

“___,” Hyunjin sighs thoughtfully, fingers playing with the sleeves of your tee, “I love you, too.”

You nearly spit up your coffee. If you were drinking coffee. Instead, you’re left with a dry mouth and a slack jaw at his words. Huh?

Glancing to the constellation picture peeking out of his box, and then to the matching bracelets you both wear, you find your mind reeling trying to make sense of it all. Yeah, you say the forbidden L-word to each another all the time, but most certainly not with you on his on lap and his lips mere centimeters away. The answer is so obviously clear as day you have trouble believing it.

“Fuck,” you laugh all of a sudden, as soon as the realization hits you, “I wasn’t dreaming, was I?”

Hyunjin lets out a joyous giggle, hands linking behind your back. Unable to hide his smile any longer, he clarifies, “You were not, madam. We literally just finished talking about when we were going to open gifts and then I got ready to sleep. Two seconds later you dumped your heart out to me, but when I answered, you were asleep.”

“Bruh,” you wince, hiding your face with your hands, “I am so sorry you had to deal with that.”

“No, don’t be,” Hyunjin comforts, reaching to tug your hands away. Your gut does somersaults when he intertwines his fingers with yours. “I was actually, uh, planning on doing some sort of confession to you anyway, but then you went right ahead and did it for me. So thanks for that.”

“Wow,” you chuckle, trying to wrap your mind around it all, “does that mean you, ahem, perhaps like me too?”

“No, I just got us really couple-y long distance relationship bracelets, pulled you onto my lap, and kissed you because I just want to be friends.”

“You didn’t kiss m—”

The sly little fucker interrupts your retort by quickly dipping down to press a fat smooch to your lips, missing miserably and you don’t know if he did it on purpose but you quickly fix the problem, releasing his hands to cradle his jaw and tilt his head the right angle. Finally, finally you kiss him, breathing in the smell of him like some sort of aromatherapy and whimpering into his mouth when his tongue swipes against your own. It is like nothing you have ever experienced, the taste and feel of him making you tremble and igniting a burst of electricity through your veins. You could kiss him forever, you think, sucking on his plump bottom lip greedily until he finally pulls back, desperate for air or trying to reel himself in you can’t say.

“You have to open your other gift,” Hyunjin reminds, chest heaving, and your gaze follows his long fingers as they comb his hair away from his forehead. Automatically, as if kissing Hyunjin once grants you some kind of free pass to do the same, you brush a few stray strands away from his face before leaning back to admire him. “Stoooop. You can’t do that and not expect me to kiss you again. Open. Your. Gift.” Hyunjin whines, squishing your cheeks and turning your head away.

“Okay, don’t blame this on me,” you huff, reaching for the second box before jabbing a finger into his chest, “you, sir, need to stop being so beautiful for like, two seconds.”

He scoffs, helping you rip off the wrapping paper, “You’re the beautiful one here.”

“Ew,” you wrinkle your nose, most certainly not used to Hyunjin dishing out such compliments, “this is too Hallmark Christmas movie for me. Let me open my gift in peace, ugly.” This box, unlike the bracelets’, is simple cardboard and when you lift open the lid, a brown leather book looks back at you. “You remember Up?” He asks.

On the leather, it reads Our Adventure Book in mismatched colors. “Yeah,” you whisper, flipping open the cover to find two baby pictures glued on the paper, one of Hyunjin, and one of you. At the top, it’s labeled ‘Before Shit Went Down.’ You laugh.

On the next page, there are random photographs from middle school, and then finally each other’s eighth grade graduation portraits. Then, written at the top is ‘Here It Begins,’ followed by a selfie he randomly took with you a few weeks into school freshman year, and then some from homecoming. Silently flipping through the rest of the book, your tears flow freely now, touched beyond comparison at all the photographs and all the memories accompanying them. Some are from large events like prom, others from random moments you don’t even remember, but each and every one comes together to form a special mold fitting perfectly into that Hyunjin-shaped hole in your heart.

The last picture is from the christening last month. Of course, it isn’t one of the nicer photos his mom took of the two of you, but a SnapChat selfie with the flaming sunglasses filter. He’s mid-laugh and you’re pressing a kiss to his cheek. Funny thing is, you don’t even remember taking it.

The page next to it is blank, aside from what’s written at the top of the page. “Togetha Foreva,” you read aloud, voice choked up and God, you cannot fathom how gross you look right now. “What the fuck, man!” You sob, punching Hyunjin’s shoulder before wiping your nose and cheeks with the back of your hands. “I didn’t sign up for this cock and ball torture.”

Hyunjin laughs loudly at this, pulling you into a hug and giving you a few seconds to recover. “Hyunjin, this is like… seriously the best thing anyone has ever done for me, holy shit. God, you Pinterest son of a bitch, this is such a good idea,” you groan, flipping back through the pages and getting teary-eyed all over again, “I can’t express how much this means to me, Jinnie. Thank you, really.”

Flashing that toothy grin of his, Hyunjin tugs you to lie back down with him and tilts your head up to press a much more accurate kiss to your lips. “I meant what I said before, ___,” he murmurs, “I don’t know what to do without you, and I know we only get to see each other once a month but I can’t keep living as just friends. You’re so much more than that. And I hope all the pictures we add from now on will show this new chapter of our lives. If not, well, then I guess I’ll just burn the book.”

“Are you asking me to be Kkami’s official poop-picker-upper?”

“Yes. Wait— what? No!”

You break into a fit of laughter, only to be interrupted with him pinching your side and causing you to let out a yelp. “Hey!” You bark, jumping closer to him and away from his hand until, finally, you give in to your self-indulgence and go right on ahead in swinging a leg over his hips and pinning him beneath you.

“You ruined my serious love speech, ___,” Hyunjin pouts, face scrunched up at you.

“I’m sorry, baby, go on.”

You pause, blinking slowly at him. He blinks back, the silence in the air weighing in heavily as both of your two brain cells bounce around trying to figure out what did you just call him?

“Never mind,” Hyunjin says, voice a low rumble of thunder as he reaches for your hips and easily flips positions, “I think you’re on the same boat.”

You laugh, tilting your head back and eyeing him indignantly. Fuck, he looks unfairly delectable hovering above you.

“Okay, how many more times do I have to tell you I love you for you to formally ask me to be your girlfriend, stupid?” You scowl, bringing your hands to cradle his neck, thumbs brushing delicately against his jaw.

“Call me baby again and we’ll see about making that happen.”

You raise a brow, tugging his face closer by the chain of his necklace. “You’re lucky it’s Christmas, baby.”

[more-fandon-than-friends]

Missing 4

A/N:Long time no see, sorry. But hey, the next part is already planned out, so just writing it.

Part 1 Part 3 part 5

Au:Human AU and Famous

Pairing: Future/Pining Prinxiety

TW: 2 mentions of breakfast (half a sentence each), swearing

It's the second day of the show and Roman stands in front of his closet. He can't decide what to wear. He already planned all the out when he agreed to go to the show, the problem is Virgil. He hasn't thought of the fact that he wants to impress his ex when he decided what to wear. He wants to be extra, but not too much. Since too much may give them too much attention and Virgil doesn't like that. But at the same time he wants Virgil to be impressed

The second day and nothing goes like plan, great.

Half an hour later Roman finally has his outfit together and goes to eat breakfast. And honestly he is super excited to see Virgil. Even if they will never come together again just being around him for the time the show goes is enough. Spending sometime as Colleagues together is better than drown in misery. Maybe there is even the chance that they will come together again, or maybe Roman just daydreams too much.

After eating breakfast his chauffeur picks him up and drives him to the show. While humming along to some songs from the crying hearts, Virgil's band. Roman gets out of the car, goes in the building and waits in there for Virgil to show up, to be fair Roman is early in hope Virgil would be here already.

Virgil gets out of the bed this morning a lot more tired than Roman. Maybe because he hasn't slept well. His thoughts circled around Roman and he starts to see that he isn't over Roman, but he doesn't want to be some cliche-lovestory that's easy money for the TV channel. Should he just ignore his feelings? It's just a little crush anyway, remembering the old times when they were happy together, nothing serious, he'll get over it. Well, he won't make the first move anyway. Not when there are cameras everywhere. What will he do if Roman makes the first move?---

Alright Stop, he starts spiraling again and he already did that all night! He just throws a black Jeans, black shirt and his Tour Jacket on and eats a quick snack before leaving with a Uber.

And oh shit, he so isn't ready for this. They have to write a song together, open up again. They will spend like two month together. Virgil sighs quietly before trying to get his mind of things, by thinking about a few lyrics ideas he has for future songs from his band. He doesn't come far, maybe it's because his thoughts move back to Roman or cause the ride is short. What ever it is has the same result, he and Roman both sit in their room when the host comes in.

The host of the show smiles:"Hey, Boys. We have an idea."

Roman smiles back:"Really, Jenna, what is it?"

"Well! Since the first episode came out some fans have made edits for you. And we want your reaction to it!", Jenna says, turning the Laptop on.

'Oh shit', is Virgil's first thought. He doesn't wanna see shipping videos of him and his ex.

'Oh shit', is also Roman's first thought. Cause he might already saw one or another, but he can't be like "haha I wish".

They don't even have time to voice their options, because Cameras get turned on, sound to and the video starts.

The first edit starts with Roman and Virgil being first interdruced and paired together and continues with other moments where they look at each other or just something that fans have decided is cute, all while 'Trouble is', a song from Virgil's band that's about not forgetting an ex-lover, plays in the background.

All the musician does while watching is looking uncomfortable and keeping his lips a straight line. The actor doesn't look much better, he stops himself from awwing by biting his lip, he looks more comfortable than Virgil though, probably cause he actually enjoys that.

"So what do you think of it?", Jenna asks when it's over.

"Well the editing seems to be good, the transitions are smooth.", Roman answers, ignoring what it's about entirely.

"And you Virgil?", she asks again.

"I uhm.. Don't know?",he says unsure.

Jenna just nods and plays the next one.

This time there is a voice over from an old interview Roman made where he gushed over Virgil, back then they were together and happy. Over it are new pictures from the show, but also old pictures from Roman's Instagram, Virgil deleted all of the pictures.

"So, Virgil, how did you like it?", Jenna asks.

"It was okay, that person spend probably a long time getting all the pictures. I respect the hussle.", Virgil answers more put together, since he was more ready after the first one.

"Alright.", Jenna answers, getting a bit annoyed that both don't really react emotionally.

"I agree with Virgil, it seems time-consuming to edit those.", Roman adds, frustrating her even more.

"let's watch more later, you two should work now on your song.", the Host decides with a tight smile and grabs her laptop.

When the boys are alone both breath out, relaxing a bit.

"That was interesting.", Roman says.

"A kind way to put it.", Virgil answers, before starting:"So, any idea what the song should be about?"

"Hm, yeah. A love song would be great.", Roman immediately decides.

"Of course.", Virgil mumbles.

"You've written a few songs like that yourself, right? Could you maybe play one or another so I get maybe a more specific picture what I want?", request the actor with a grin.

The other boy screams internally at that, Roman used to do something like that all the time;

'Hey, love, I'm learning right now a romantic moment, would you please sing a love song for me' or 'Im not feeling like I could play romance in the moment, show me a bit real romance and I'll be ready to go to work... Maybe with a song?' Roman said things like that all the time. He loves Virgil singing, so he used every chance he got to hear it. And that grin just shows Roman knows what he's doing, and that Virgil always agrees.

"Yeah, sure", he tries to sound casual while he picks up a guitar and starts to sing.

If Roman wasn't already head over heels for the Emo he would be now. His voice is a gift from above. The way his eyes stay concentrated on the guitar strings while also having a dreamily look in them. He looks fully in his element, well he is fully in his element.

The actor has no other choice than to look at Virgil in awe, forgetting the cameras and later fan edits for a few minutes.

When the singing is over Roman knows to things:

1.his song is gonna be about someone Virgil being absolutely beautiful while playing the guitar.

2.he has to talk to Virgil about his feelings, today.

So it comes that Roman goes to Virgil, who is waiting for his Uber, after the cameras are turned off. "Hey, Virgil."

"Oh, hey Roman.", he looks up from his phone.

"Can we talk? In private?", the taller one asks.

"I- yeah Sure.", Virgil nods.

[rhinoswriting]

A Life On The Road - Part 1 (A Luke Hemmings FanFic)

Overview: Elizabeth and Calum have been best friends since they were 15/14 respectively. Elizabeth is from and lives in the UK, but her family lived in Sydney for a brief 2 year period which is how the two met. 

With Calum’s band, 5SOS, embarking on their biggest and most ambitious world tour to date, he has invited Elizabeth along to work as a photographer/content creator for their social media. This is in the hopes that travelling with them and getting to explore so many new cities will help Elizabeth achieve her dream of becoming a full-time travel writer.

Elizabeth is acquainted with the rest of 5SOS but doesn’t know them tremendously well. Obviously that changes as they are all forced to be in one another’s company for the duration of the tour. As the tour progresses and new friendships blossom, Elizabeth feels the connection between her and Luke grow more and more.

A/N: This chapter is a lot of story set-up and introduces you to the protagonist.

****************************************************************************

I lent my upper back against one of the work kitchen walls and peered out of the window beside me. Any other day, the grey curtain of drizzle would have perfectly matched my work mood. But today was not a normal work day for me. Today was my last day in this hell hole. I was finally getting out of here to pursue my dream of becoming a travel writer. I hugged my mug of coffee closer, content in the knowledge that nothing was going to step on my good mood today.

“I cannot believe you are leaving me with these people.” Drew complained as he walked over and lent some of his weight onto my shoulder while cradling his own steaming mug.

“I am sorry that I’ll be leaving you here. I truly am.” I told him, and I meant it, “But you know as well as I do how much this place can drag a person’s mental health down. So when a best friend offers to let you piggyback off their career to help launch you own, you take it and make the sacrifice of abandoning your work husband.”

“I hate that you have a famous best friend.”

“Don’t be a bitter bitch,” I laughed nudging him in the side with my elbow.

Drew and I chatted for a minute or two more before making our way back to our desks at opposite ends of the office. When I got to mine I noticed that someone (probably my manager or Josie, the company busy body) had taken my second coffee break of the morning as an opportunity to place an envelope and small gift bag by my keyboard. As I placed my coffee down I noticed that the people on my bank of desks had swivelled their chairs, and thus their attention, in my direction. I also heard the tell-tale sound of high heels on cheap carpet tiles that indicated Josie was making her way over.

“Elizabeth,” Josie cooed in her usual fake friendliness, “I can’t believe it’s your last day here already! We did a small collection for you in order to say goodbye and give you something to remember us by. It’s been such a great three years and eight months working with you. We’re all sad to see you go.”

“Thanks, Josie. I certainly will miss how precise you are with details.” I said trying not to make my sarcasm too obvious.

I rummaged in the tissue paper hoping to bring this moment in the spotlight to an end as soon as possible. First I pulled out a small, sleek rectangle. Through the plastic window of the box I spied a matte black fountain pen -it was a genuinely lovely pen which surprised me. Next I pulled out a small bottle of Kraken rum -my go to with Coke on work nights out- which was followed by a second, identical bottle. The fourth and final leaving gift was a new 10 shot pack of film for my Instax Mini camera.

“Thanks guys...” I awkwardly addressed the room, “These are all really thoughtful and nice. I love the pen. Uhh, yeah, thanks again. Stay cool and all that cliche stuff.”

I promptly sat down and unlocked my PC to indicate that the show was over and I should now be left the fuck alone.

The company’s internal IM program was flashing at me in orange, indicating I had an unread message.

[Drew Clarke - 10:47 am]  I am so sorry they are putting you through this. You look so awkward. I can see you blushing from here.  It is hilarious though :’D I made such a big deal about the stupid pen they wanted to get you having to be matte black Also my leaving gift to you is that I have done everything in my power to ensure Josie knows nothing about your leaving drinks tonight

I responded with a simple gif of some character I didn’t know mouthing ‘thank you’ to acknowledge his last message and then went back to work trying to complete as much of my remaining work as possible.

The rest of the day dragged on as it would any other day of the week. The only difference was that I had the occasional desk visit from a colleague to wish me luck or let me know they’d be at the leaving drinks Drew had arranged for me that evening. 

And then Drew was at my desk before the clock had even hit 5 pm,

“Start packing your shit up then. We’ve got a bar to get to.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------

My leaving drinks were actually surprisingly fun. Which was as much of a good thing as it was a bad thing. 

It was good because who doesn’t love people buying them either shots or rum and cokes? Plus Drew and I had had a beautiful drunken moment where we gushed over how much we treasured each other’s friendship and would definitely, definitely stay in touch always, and who doesn’t love those moments? 

It was bad because I got in at 3:30 am, set an alarm for 6 am and left my house for the train station at 7 am with a hangover headache already brewing.

My morning then got worse when I remembered I had to change trains at Sheffield. Non-direct train journeys are enough of a pain without a hangover, rucksack, camera bag and 2-wheeled large carry-on suitcase to slow you down.

When I finally, and ungracefully, settled myself on the platform at Sheffield I glanced around to locate where I could get myself a coffee and some form of breakfast. I had a 50 minute wait until my next train so there was plenty of time to try and nurse my hangover with coffee and carbs before getting crammed into another train and eventually reuniting with Cal in Edinburgh.

I spotted a place on the next platform over with indoor seating and made my way to it. Once inside the warmth of the glass rectangle I grabbed a twin pack of almond biscuits from the counter display and ordered a large cappuccino as well as a breakfast bagel. I then went and dumped all my luggage (promptly followed by myself) down at the nearest table and waited for my name to be called over the mellow jazz music.

Once I had returned to my table with my breakfast order, I opened my phone to check my messages and view the photographic damage from the night before. As I sipped my coffee I opened my photos app and was pleased when nothing embarrassing immediately jumped out at me from the 50+ square icons of photos and boomerangs that I had very little memory of taking. Most of the photos were blurry and every single boomerang was a fail, so I deleted them to save storage space on my phone. There was a super cute selfie of Drew and I, with his fiance, Adam, photo-bombing us in the background. It made me smile so much that I set it as the lock screen on my phone.

Next I moved on to my messages. There we unread messages awaiting me from Drew, Cal, my mum and weirdly my now ex-manager.

Manager Si: Didd u mange t geet home ok?/?. Gd luk w everythin

Work Hubby: I miss you already. Hope you got home safe! Text me by midday so I know you’re still alive x

Mum: Good luck on this big new adventure of yours! Do not forget to call us when time zones allow. Your Dad and I will always b here to support you and cannot wait to see you succeed. Say hi to Calum for us. Mum & Dad Xx

Cal: Hey, hey! So stoked to see you later and have you come oN FREAKING TOUR WITH ME!!! See ya in Edinburgh! X

I responded first to my mum, because I was raised right. I flat out ignored my old manager’s drunk text. I assured Drew that I was still alive because if I was dead it wouldn’t feel like there was a gremlin hammering away inside my skull. I followed that up with a screenshot of my new lock screen. Finally, I replied to Calum:

Morning :) Feeling rough after my leaving drinks last night. Have I already begun my new rock n’ roll lifestyle?! So fucking excited to see you again!! You are not prepared for the hug you’re gonna get! X

With everyone replied to (or ignored in Si’s case) I put my phone face down on the table and tucked into my breakfast bagel. Then as I still had 20 minutes to kill I thought what better place to slap some make-up on than the middle of a train station coffee shop?

Looking and feeling more human, I made my way from the coffee shop to platform 4 as they announced my train was about to arrive. 

I hopped on carriage L, placed my luggage in the overhead rack and settled into my seat for the next 3+ hours. I quickly shot a text to my parents and Cal, letting them know I was on my last train. Then I pulled my noise cancelling headphones on, opened up a relaxing Spotify playlist and promptly fell asleep.

[goldenmessenger]

TS Actor AU: Reach Out Your Hand Pt 1

Summary: Before recovery can come, you have to admit you have a problem first. In 2019, Roman’s been clean for about 6 years. In 2011, however? Clean is a long way away. He’s alone. Isolated. No-one to turn to. Except he might have one person. But Roman’s ignored him for the last 4 years. But then the voicemail comes.

Read on Ao3 here.

A/N: Hey everyone! So, I’m currently working on a multi-chapter fic set after the last two fics. But that’s probably going to take me a while. So in the meantime, have this fic that’s set 8 years before the others. This is some backstory on Roman, Remus, and Dillon, and how Roman got on the first steps to recovery. Also, I meant for this to be a one-shot, but it’s going to be a two-parter. It’s too long to post all at once. I apologize in advance for this, it’s really intense and a lot of whump and angst. I promise part 2 will make up for everything, and that’ll be up tomorrow.

As usual, let me know if you want to be added to the taglist! And once again, I apologize.

Content Warnings: Drunken texts, drug abuse, drug overdose, mild violence (vague mention), self-deprecating thoughts and language, whump, angst

****************************

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Sent at 11:24pm

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx:

happhy B-day roe

its me Rekus

Remus

i gootta new phonee 

im sorry

iwas the worts 

woest

worsr 

Cant typw

To drukn 

Miss u tho

First b-day wit out u

Do u mis me to?

See u on th news

Got that moie 

Movie deal u wanted

Hop ur doin wel 

That ur happy

M not

Mis u

Love u

****************************

Friday, March 20, 2009

Sent at 2:00 pm

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx:

Hey Ro, happy birthday,

it’s me again. 

I wanna apologize for the mess that I sent last year. Thought you’d like to know I’m in a much better place now.

I’m in college in San Francisco, probably gonna live there after.

Gotta boyfriend, just like you always said you would if we didn’t have to deal with everyone’s expectations.

Went to therapy, boyfriend’s idea

Though he was just a best friend then

It’s been really helpful. 

I was so awful to you. 

I honestly wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to see me again

You don’t have to forgive me, I just want a chance to talk

If you want to meet up

Just let me know

****************************

Saturday, March 20, 2010

 Sent at 10:00 am

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx: 

Hey Ro

Happy birthday again. 

At this point, I know you probably won’t reply

This probably isn’t even your number anymore. 

I don’t know why I keep texting you though

Closure, perhaps?

An inability to let go?

Whatever it is, it’s kinda sad

I can’t stop though

If by any chance you are reading this, please respond

I don’t care if it’s to say you hate me, or never want to talk to me again, please

I need you

I need my brother

****************************

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Sent at 10:00 am

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx: 

Happy birthday Ro!

This will probably be the last time I text you. 

My boyfriend, Dillon, pointed out that if you were going to reply, you would’ve already

I need to move on

I need to heal 

I still love you though 

You’ll always be my brother

****************************

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Sent at 11:00 am

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx: 

Ro

Ro, what the hell?

I know I said that I wouldn’t text again 

But I just saw the news

You punched someone?

What on earth

I’d honestly be kinda proud of you if I wasn’t worried

Are you doing ok? 

That’s not like you. 

I was always the violent one. 

I know what I said before, but if you need anyone to talk to, I’m here. 

I won’t be waiting for you anymore, but I’ll still be here for you, if you need me.

All you need to do is reach out.

****************************

Sunday, August 15, 2011

Missed Call at 1:00 am

Voicemail from (xxx) xxx-xxxx: 

 “Ro—Roman! Please, please tell me you’re there, that you’re alright—

I just heard, apparently you’ve been missing for two weeks? Two whole weeks, and I didn’t know—

Please call me back, or text if that works better! Please, no one knows where you are, if you’re ok, nothing!

I — I can’t lose you Roman.

I mean, maybe I did already, maybe I did a long time ago—

But that was different. At least you were alive. You were happy. At least, I thought you were happy. I’m not so sure about that anymore. 

But if by some miracle, some crazy insane miracle you still have this number, if you’re ok, please please let me know. 

I love you so much Ro. 

I don’t think I ever said it enough, but I do. So, so much. 

I hope wherever you are, you’re ok.”

****************************

The dark hotel room was illuminated only by the screen of his phone. He stared at it with glassy eyes, unseeing, as the message finished playing. Roman was leaning against the bed, sitting on the floor. His phone was gleaming on the ground next to him. 

Roman had read Remus’s texts as they came, of course, but he hadn’t thought they were sincere. That they were real. Nothing else in his life was, not even his own parents. So why should his own twin be an exception? But he didn’t delete the texts or block the number. He let the messages keep coming. And he didn’t know why. 

Maybe because part of him had wanted to hope. Why else would he be where he was now? Why else would he have used the most of the little money he had left to get himself here? Here in a dingy little motel on the edge of San Francisco. He hadn’t told anyone where he was going, not that anyone cared. Maybe Remy might’ve. Remy, who Roman realized now might’ve been his only real friend. At least, he could’ve been, if Roman hadn’t pushed him away when Remy had attempted to convince Roman he had a problem. Pushed him away just like Roman had done to everything else good in his life. 

That’s why he hadn’t contacted Remus yet. Why he’d sat here in this room with it’s flea-ridden bed and peeling wallpaper for almost two weeks now, only leaving to buy food from the nearby convenience store. Remus’s texts had seemed like he was doing well. Roman had looked at his Facebook too. Remus was in college, was living with his boyfriend, a job working as a tech at a local theater. He seemed happy. Roman couldn’t bring himself to ruin that like he ruined everything else. 

But that voicemail—he hadn’t ever heard Remus sound so frightened before. So worried. And about Roman, of all people. Why? Why on earth? Sure, they’d been close as kids, but they hadn’t even been in the same room for years. And Roman had ignored all of Remus’s attempts to make contact since. He couldn’t understand it. It made his head hurt. He was feeling bitterly jittery, and not very glittery. 

That was a weird sentence. When did his thoughts stop making sense? He needed his pills, needed them. He couldn’t deal with all of these thoughts and emotions. He needed them to go away. He needed them to stop. He fumbled on all fours for the bottle, and finally found it, open and empty. That wasn’t right, it’d been full only...only...he couldn’t remember. A wave of dizziness hit him, and he pitched forward, face planting into the ground. 

Something wasn’t right. Why was his brain so fuzzy. Everything hurt so much, he couldn’t think. He needed help. He needed Remus. He somehow managed to find his phone, and hit the contact simply labeled “R.”

The phone rang. And rang. Finally, it was picked up. And a familiar voice spoke.

****************************

Remus ran his hand through his sleeping boyfriend’s hair. It was a calming motion that somewhat helped to calm his racing mind. But not by much. Dillon had attempted to convince Remus to rest, but Remus couldn’t sleep. Not when Roman was missing. He’d gotten the news around midnight, from a former friend of Roman’s, Remy. 

Remy had been the one to tell Remus that Roman had been struggling with a drug addiction, though Remy didn’t know how long. He’d tried to get Roman some help as soon as he found out, but the other man had rejected it and broke off their friendship. Remy had gone to Roman’s apartment that morning to attempt to repair their relationship, with the hope that he could eventually convince Roman to get some help. But he was nowhere to be found. The door was unlocked, and there was two weeks worth of mail on the floor. He’d found Remus’s number on accident, on a post-it on Roman’s fridge, labeled “Bro.” That’s when he’d called Remus and, upon finding out he was Roman’s brother, told him everything.

Remus didn’t quite understand why Roman had his number saved like that, but the more pressing concern was finding Roman. Remus attempted to call Roman several times, each one going straight to voicemail.

He didn’t blame Dillon for falling asleep though. Remus would if he could. He couldn’t though. The hand that wasn’t running through Dillon’s hair had a death grip on his phone. He couldn’t stop staring at it, praying to anyone who would listen that it would ring.

He didn’t know what he expected though. Roman had never responded to him in the past, so why would now be any diff— 

“I’m a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie wooorld

Life in plastic, it’s fantastic...”

Remus startled as his phone’s ringtone filled the room. Next to him, Dillon shifted and blinked tiredly at him. 

“Why on earth do you still have that obnoxious song as your ringtone?” Dillon questioned, a little grumpy at being woken so unceremoniously. 

“You can brush my hair, undress me everywheere

Imagination, life is your creation...”

Remus could barely hear him. He could barely hear his own ringtone. All he could do was stare at the name that lit up the screen.

Lil bRO(man)

“Come on, Barbie, let's go party!”

Dillon looked up at Remus, the sleep slowly fading from his gaze as his brain slowly began to catch up.

“Re, what’s wrong?”

“I’m a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie wooorld

Life in plastic, it’s fantastic...”

The chorus of the song began to repeat, and Remus knew he was running out of time. This was something he’d wanted for years, and now, it was happening right in front of him. But he was frozen. For some reason, he couldn’t answer the phone.

“You can brush my hair, undress me everywheere…”

When Remus didn’t respond, Dillon sat up, and saw the phone lying limp in his boyfriend’s grasp.

“Imagination, life is you—”

Quick as a lightning bolt, Dillon grabbed the phone and hit ANSWER before it could go to voicemail. Almost as quick, he hit the speaker button.

There was a long moment of silence. Too long. Finally, Remus’s voice returned.

“Ro, is that you?” He asked, hopefully. “Are you ok, are you hurt, where—”

“Re. I— I didn’t acshully think you’d anshwer.”

Roman’s familiar voice leaked through the speakers like water through a broken dam. Despite Remus’s relief, however, he immediately recognized something was wrong. One look at Dillon’s face told Remus that he’d heard it too. The way Roman’s words slurred themselves together. Remus took a deep breath. He knew how to handle this. He just needed to stay calm.

“Of course I would.” Remus said sincerely. “Ro, why don’t you tell me where you are? Maybe I can come to you and we can have this conversation in person?”

However, Roman didn’t seem to hear Remus’s question.

“I meshed up Re, meshed up big time, I ran ‘way from evything ‘cause I shcrewed up, an’ now I’m losht an’ allone an’ I jus’ wanted to hear your voishe one lasht time…”

Remus felt his heart seize in panic at those words. He grabbed the phone out of Dillon’s hands as the man looked on worriedly. Remus clutched that phone like it was his lifeline. No, Roman’s lifeline.

“Roman, wait, what do you mean, one last time? Where are you, what’s going on?”

“Ate too many of th’ pret-ty white circles, and now I can’ shtand up right and m’ brain won’ work.”

Roman’s voice grew thick, and it began to sound like he was crying.

“M sorry Re, ‘m an awful brother. I can’ do anything righ’ an’ I was too much of a cow-ward to tell you I was here.”

Remus’s eyes widened in shock as his brain processed the information. White circles, didn’t a lot of pills take that form? Including addictive ones. And Roman was here? San Francisco?

He looked over to Dillon to find that his boyfriend had his own phone out, and was callling someone. Dillon caught his gaze, and mouthed 911. Keep him talking. Remus took a deep breath. He needed to keep it together. For Roman’s sake. 

“Roman, you’re going to be fine, just tell me where you are, and I’ll be right there. You said that you’re here? Where is here?”

“Th’ golden ci-ty, home of Saint Franny. Wan-ed to talk to you, couldn’ get up th’ nerve. ‘M in this shtupid lil hot-tel, it schucks. Bayshide Mot-tel, I think. Rom 320. Picked it cause it wash our birth-dayte.”

Remus quickly glanced over to Dillon urgently, and his boyfriend began relaying Roman’s location to the paramedics. 

“Ro, we’ll be right there, just hold on, ok? We’re on our way.” 

No response.

“Roman, Roman!”

Silence echoed from the other end of the line. 

“No, nononononono no! Roman, please!”

In a dark dingy motel room several miles away, the only sound was a brother’s anguished cries, and the only light was that of a cracked phone screen next to a limp hand.

****************************

AN: Again, I’m really sorry about this cliffhanger, and I will fix it tomorrow.

****************************

TAGLIST:

@ironwoman359

@galacticguppy

@trashpanda-remus 

@atticusfinchthelegend

@ravenclawunicorn1

@voidvirgil

@dogwithpants

@dreaming-about-kittens

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 40

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.1k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- note for this chapter: sorry? it had to happen. its not that bad yea?

btw, i forgot to add a request that i filled last chapter so i just added the screenshot to the last chapter. so to whoever requested them to look at old pictures together, obviously it was in chapter 39 and it was for you :)

oh and no request for this chapter, probably next one! :(

Chapter 40 : His chapter

NIALL

I was surprised to see her already awake when my alarm rang in the morning but I understood exactly why when I finally sat in bed after everything was ready. She was shaking one of her legs, looking nervously around the room and although I felt a bit bad for her, the whole scene was a bit funny too.

"Darling, come here."

Her eyes finally met mine and I sent her a smile, raising my eyebrows to incite her to get closer. She finally took the few steps that separated us and I pulled her between my legs, slipping my hands in the back pockets of her jeans as she looked down at me. She stared in my eyes and sighed and my gaze dropped to her lips when she licked them.

"A penny for your thoughts?" I asked in a low tone, tilting my chin up to look at her better.

"You've got all the money in the world, you could at least offer me a bit more I mean, a penny?"

Her lips curled and it made me laugh as I pulled her closer. Her hands slipped in my hair  and I let out a low sigh.

"I know it's not easy, and i'm gonna miss you every second of every minute of every hour of every day." I let out, making her roll her eyes with a small smile. "But hey, we'll facetime every night and i'll text you and send you pictures... okay?"

Slowly, she nodded and tilted her head as her hair fell around our faces, hiding us from the world. I was torn between being excited and happy for the trip or sad and nervous about leaving her behind and somehow, all these emotions made a weird mix, forming a lump in my throat.

"Do you promise..." she started so low I barely heard, letting her fingers brush down my cheek, jaw and neck before grabbing the collar of my shirt. "...to be faithful to me?"

I hadn't expected the question and I moved my upper body back a bit to see her better as my eyebrows raised. I could hear my heartbeats accelerate but I wasn't sure why. Was I hurt by her question, or did it make me mad that she could think that of me?

"I.. hate this question, but i'm gonna answer anyway." Her eyes finally met mine and I could read in them that she felt bad for asking, but that it was stronger than her. I felt my body relax a bit and sighed. "I promise. You're the only one for me, and i'm not going to cheat on you. Physically or emotionally."

Her lips curled more and it made me smile too. I tried to tell myself that she was insecure and that it's why she needed to hear these things a lot, but I couldn't help the feeling of annoyance creeping inside my stomach. i tried to ignore it, if only because I wanted our last moments together to be happy, and shrugged my shoulders slightly.

"Are you coming with me to the airport?"

Her eyes dropped to her hands now both playing with the collar of my shirt and she started nibbling her bottom lip. She looked vulnerable, sad, and slightly embarrassed but the first thing I ended up thinking as i looked at her was how much I loved her.

"I'd rather not." she finally admitted, shrugging a shoulder. "I know i'd be emotional and I don,t want to cry in front of everyone and your fans and paps if they end up being there. And I don't want to drive back home by myself, I know i'll be crying the whole time."

I waited for her eyes to finally meet mine but it didn't happen.

"Hey." I let out gently. "I understand."

Her gaze finally moved up to meet mine and she mouthed a 'thank you'. I had the feeling she was on the verge of tears and I finally got up, keeping my arms around her and bending down to kiss her lips.

"How long do we have left?" she asked in a whisper, her lips brushing against mine.

"Like, 15 minutes." I let out low too, walking slowly her way and forcing her to take a few steps back until her back leaned on the wall. "They're about to pick me up."

"And you've got everything ready?" she asked, tilting her chin up to send me a cheeky smile.

I smirked back and chuckled, bringing both of my hands to the button of her jeans while still staring in her eyes.

"Almost." I joked, bringing my lips back on hers to kiss her deeply as I moved her pants down.

She whimpered low against my lips and squirmed a bit, finally taking her jeans and panties off and pushing them away with one of her feet. I laughed against her mouth as she pulled on my shorts too, leaving them right under my ass and when she took my cock out, I groaned low, my lips leaving hers. I leaned my forehead against hers and stared at her as I grabbed one of her thighs to place it around my waist.

"13 minutes." she joked, making me smile again. "Please do it."

I felt the tip of my dick press against her pussy and I watched her lick her fingers and bring her hand between us. Quickly, she rubbed herself and grabbed my dick, jerking me off slowly with her wet hand and I felt my eyes flutter a bit at her touch. It made me realize I was going to miss this more than I thought I would. The sex was good with her and I always wanted more. Being without her for six weeks wasn't going to be easy. She placed two of her fingers on each side of my cock as I pushed it slowly inside her and it felt so good to be inside her again that I let out a moan, pushing her hard against the wall.

"You feel amazing."

My lips found hers and I kissed her gently, feeling her fingers slip softly in my hair. I groaned low in her mouth and when she mentioned '11 minutes' I chuckled through the kiss. I moved my cock out of her very slowly and pushed it back, feeling her body tense a bit but it only took me a few seconds to speed my thrusts, pressing her more against the wall every time. I leaned my forehead against hers again and watched hr lips part as she started panting lowl.

"I love you so fucking much."

I saw her eyes flutter open at my words and her grip tightened in my hair.

"You mean so much to me." I added just as low. "I love you so much, Olivia."

Her lips found mine again and the kiss was so rough that my thrusts became unsteady. She kept her hands in my hair when our lips parted and I felt myself getting closer and closer to my orgasm.

"I love you too Niall." she whimpered very low. "More than anything and anyone."

I felt myself get dizzy and she started moaning and shaking against me. I fucked her harder to reach my own orgasm and when I did, I felt the fingers of one of my hands curl against the wall behind her while the others sunk in the skin of her thigh that was still around my waist.

"Fuck."

I spilled inside her, shutting my eyes tight as her hands slid on my neck and chest, I waited until my heartbeats came back to a normal speed and opened my eyes only to see her smile at me.

"I'm gonna think about this every single night."

My eyes roamed on her face and I smiled fondly at her.

"Me too."

I don't know how long we stared at each other but from seeing her face, I knew that telling her how much I loved her while we were having sex was a good idea. It was not even planned, I just felt it and decided to say it and I never thought the result would be so good. I heard my phone and sighed without moving. It's only when I heard it a second time that I moved away from her. I stared at her half-naked body as I moved my shorts back up and passed my hand in my hair. She quickly put her panties back on and I finally took my shirt off, handing it to her. Her lips curled and she grabbed it, tilting her head as she stared at me.

"I know that's your kind of cheesy." I explained, chuckling a bit. "I hope it doesn't smell too bad."

She brought it to her face and smiled, shaking her head.

"I sort of kept your hoodie from last night, too." she admitted, biting her bottom lip and making me laugh this time.

"It's all yours."

I grabbed my phone and read my text messages before looking up at her. She hadn't moved, she was still leaning against the wall, her head tilted lightly, looking at me, and I smiled more, moving my phone to snap a picture of her. Her eyes got bigger and her lips parted as I put my phone back in my pocket.

"Oh god you didn't take a picture of me did you?"

I laughed again and grabbed my backpack but when I turned around, she was trying to take my phone, probably to delete it.

"Love, stop!" I said with an other chuckle, grabbing her hand gently. "I promise I won't show it to anyone! It's only for me.. for all those nights without you."

Her traits softened and although I knew she didn't like it at all, she nodded slowly. I cupped her face with both my hands and kissed her deeply, ignoring the sound of my phone again.

"Six weeks is barely anything." I whispered against her mouth.

"An eternity without you." she murmured. "I'll miss you."

"Not as much as I'll miss you."

                                                   ----

The ride to the airport and the process of getting aboard was long and painful and it's only when the plane took off that I finally seemed to relax. I leaned my head on the bench, feeling suddenly exhausted and closed my eyes for a while. I tried not to think about her and to focus on every place I wanted to see but it was not easy and I grabbed my phone to look at the last picture of her I had taken. Once again, she looked slightly vulnerable and it made me realize that she always turned me on when she looked like that. I ran my thumb on her over the screen of my phone and sighed, closing my eyes again for a few seconds. Did I make the right choice? Maybe I should have postponed that trip after all, right?

I jumped slightly when I received a message and opened the application on my phone only to see a selfie of my girlfriend making a grimace with the caption: 'Don't worry, i'm fine without you!' and it made me laugh. I saw she was typing and waiting until more words appeared, staring at my phone.

'Don't worry. Just have fun. I'll be there when you call. I'll be there when you come back. I love you.'

I smiled more and chuckled again, quickly typing an answer.

'You're perfect, I love you too.'

I quickly took a selfie of me blowing her a kiss and sent it to her. She answered me with a few emojis and I did the same before to switch to Louis' number. At first, I wanted to ask Harry but I realized that maybe I was a bit jealous of the relationship she had with him... or maybe I was scared that if they spent more time together, she'd forget about me and fall back for him. It was ridiculous and deep down, I knew it, but I didn't want to take the chance.

'Hey Tommo, would you and El mind checking on Liv while i'm gone?'

I was surprised to get his answer only a few seconds later and frowned a bit.

'I don't know about El but i'll entertain her, don't worry mate.'

'Is everything okay?'

'Don't worry about it, just enjoy your trip!'

I shrugged and sighed, closing the application and going back to my gallery. I started checking all the pictures of her and us on my phone and my heart twisted in my chest until I just turned my phone off and put it back in my pockets. My fingers brushed against the fabric of her panties that was hidden in the pocket of my shorts and this time, my heart literally skipped a beat. I wanted to put them in my bag but I forgot and it made me wonder if she knew I had kept them after making her cum with the vibrator I had bought for her. I knew I should have asked her before taking them but it was stronger than me and finally, I pushed them deeper in my pocket to make sure I wouldn't lose them.

I tried to sleep for a while but every single time I was about to fall asleep, an idea would pop in my head and i'd quickly grab my phone again to write a few lyrics or hum a few notes that I'd record. I always seemed to feel inspired by something and even if I had promised myself that I'd do nothing but enjoy this trip, I knew I had to write down all my ideas or i'd end up regretting it.

I was trying to get distracted from her and from the hole in my chest that her absence had seemed to dig but it was not easy. I said six weeks were going to go by very fast, she said it was going to feel like an eternity... and if I wanted to be honest, I was started to believe she may be right.

                                                           ----

"Niall! Let's go!"

I tried to read the text message I had received as we walked through the crowded but small town. It was pouring, I was only wearing shorts and shoes, but I was still heavily sweating. I hadn't seem Olivia face to face in three weeks and although it was tough to be without her, I was starting to feel at ease with my decision. This trip was even more incredible than I thought even if I had to stay in crappy motels and eat cheap food. It was an experience I really had to live at least once in my life.

'I miss you too' I quickly typed with at least one mistake before hitting 'send'.

We walked in a motel and I let my backpack fall on the floor, shaking my head slightly as some water fell into my eyes and finally put my cap back on.

"Okay, let's go get a few drinks."

"Amazing idea." I replied, searching through my stuff to find a shirt. just as my phone went off again.  "Fuck, I forgot, I have a facetime date tonight."

One of my cousins chuckled but I ignored it and just grabbed my phone, typing an other message quickly to my girlfriend.

'We're going out. Rain check?'

I didn't wait for an answer but still decided to bring my phone with me. We ended up drinking a few beers and meeting new people. It was fun, I was getting tipsy, and I started a conversation with the pretty girl sitting next to me. It took me about an hour to realize she was flirting with me but when she laughed, putting her hand on my thigh, I tensed. She moved her thick dark hair behind her ear and tilted her head with a smile, making me smile back. I liked her accent and her eyes and I was about to tell her about it when my phone rang. I saw Liv's face on the screen and immediately sobered up. I had changed her picture for the one she had sent me when I was on the plane and the way she grimaced on it made my heart skip a beat.

"I'm sorry." I told the pretty girl whom's name I couldn't seem to remember. "I have to answer."

I got up and walked out of the bar, letting out a 'hello?' in my phone. I brought my shoulders up when I realized it was still raining as water slipped inside my shirt, freezing me immediately despite the warm weather and the amount of alcohol in my blood.

"Oh shit, Niall?"

Her voice calmed me immediately and I smiled. I wanted to be mad that I was taken, I wanted to be annoyed with the fact that I was living the trip of a lifetime and that I couldn't sleep with a girl I just met in a bar, but as soon as her voice reached my ears, it seemed to reach my heart too. It was cheesy but I like it and I tried to take a mental note of these words to use them later.

"Olivia, are you okay?"

"I'm so sorry, I wanted to text you but my fingers slipped." she explained. "I'm having a hard time with this new phone."

I frowned, trying to stay under the small roof of the bar as people walked in and out. My shirt was already soaked and my hair was no better but I just wanted to listen to her some more.

"I didn't want to bother you, I know you're having fun, we can talk tomorrow." she quickly said. "I love you, Nee, goodnight."

"No wait!"

I had talked a bit louder than I intended and I felt something stir in my stomach. I didn't know if it was just because I missed her, or because I felt guilty for the thoughts that ran in my head only a few minutes ago when i was with an other girl, but I suddenly wanted to take a plane back home to be with her.

"I shouldn't have canceled our date, i'm going back to the motel now, I'll call you as soon as I get there."

Without thinking, I walked out in the rain quickly, my phone still pressed on my ear. The weather wasn't as bad as a few hours before but my shoes were still drenched and it made a weird sound as I walked.

"No, Niall it's okay!" she argued with a small chuckle. "I'm fine, really, you can't spend all the time talking to me, you have to visit and have fun. I'm fine here without you, remember? Or do I have to send you an other picture?"

She started laughing and my heart jumped on my chest.

"Send me as many pictures as you want. I miss your face."

This time, she kept quiet for a few seconds and when she talked again, I could hear worry in her tone.

"Are you sure, Niall? Are you sure you want us to talk tonight?"

I stopped waking, just feeling the rain fall in my eyes, trying to stop my heart from beating so fast.

"Yes."

                                                  ----

It took me about half an hour to get back to the hotel and as soon as I arrived, I texted my cousin to tell them I was gone and that i'd see them in the morning. I took a quick shower, not really enjoying the bathroom but it was better than being dirty, and finally sat in bed with my phone in hands. It took her a few seconds to answer and I realized she was on her laptop. She sent me a smile as soon as she saw me and licked her lips, bringing her shoulders closer to her face.

"Hey..."

"Hey petal, how are you?"

Her eyebrows raised and her lips curled slightly more. Fuck, I wanted to kiss her.

"I'm the one who should ask you that." she pointed out. "Are you okay, Nee?"

My eyes roamed on her face and I noticed she was wearing my hoodie. The sleeves were pulled over her hands and I desperately wanted to cuddle her.

"Yea, was just missing you."

She was about to answer something when I saw someone in the corner of the screen, making me frown. I sat up better in bed and tried to see who it was, and it suddenly hit me: she was not at my house, and also not at her apartment.

"Where are you?"

As if on cue, Louis appeared and sat next to her, handing her a cup of tea. She took a quick sip and thanked him, sending him a smile. I watched them interact and my heart seemed to sink in my chest.

"I'm at Louis'." she finally let out as if it wasn't obvious already.

"Is that why you didn't want to talk?"

"I wanted to talk, Niall." she frowned slightly. "I just didn't want to bother you. We don't talk as much these days and it's okay, I know you're busy and you're having the time of your life, and I don't want you to think i'm smothering you or stopping you from living this plenty."

My anger and jealousy faltered and my traits softened as I nodded.

"Can you go back home? I'd like to talk with just you."

I knew I had no right to ask her that and I was also aware that I was the one who had asked Louis to check on her but it seemed like I was just realizing that the world was still turning there, in London, without me.

Olivia glanced at Louis who sent her a smile and started nibbling her bottom lip.

"We sort-of had something planned..."

"No it's okay Livi, I totally get it."

She finally looked back at me after a few seconds and quickly nodded, her lips curling into a big smile this time, making me believe she wanted to talk to me as much as I wanted to talk to her.

"Okay, let me call you back when i'm home."

She blew me a kiss and without giving me time to answer, she hung up. I stayed in bed, motionless, realizing that I was alone in the dark in an other country and somehow, I felt extremely pathetic at that moment. I thought about the girl I was flirting with, I thought about the fact that I wanted to kiss her and maybe more, and even if that thought had crossed my mind only for half a second, I felt like shit. It was not Olivia's fault that I was here, or that I hadn't had sex in three weeks. It was my decision and she didn't have to pay for that. I had never felt that guilty before when in a relationship and it's not like it was not normal to lust other people but for some reason, I was scared that if I could have these thoughts, perhaps she could too. She was not spending her time all alone locked in my room, waiting for me to come back, and for some weird reason, it was just hitting me now.

I don't know how long I waited but I decided to call back again, even if it meant that I would look desperate. In fact, I sort of was.

"Babe, i'm in the car." she pointed out. "I'm almost there."

She had put her phone near the dash and I could see her hands moving on the wheel. She was not looking at me but I was staring at her and even from that weird angle, she looked pretty.

"Do you know what I want to do to you?"

Her face changed and she glanced at me but I could swear I saw her cheeks turn a soft shade of red, making me smirk.

"I really want to fuck you, pet." I added low. "I want to make love to you. I want to feel your warm body beneath mine. I miss you so bad."

She chuckled. "Me or fucking me?"

"Can't it be both?" I asked, raising my eyebrows, a smirk still gracing my face.

"It can."

I watched her and kept silent as she parked the car and turned to look at me in the screen of her phone, her head slightly tilted and her hair falling on her right shoulder, exactly like the picture I had taken of her before I left.

"I miss you too, Niall." she whispered, making my heart twist. "I wish you were here."

[tayegi]

Revenge is a Dish Best Served... Hot? (m)

When your roommate keeps you up late at night with her noisy rendezvous with male overnight guests, you and Seokjin team up to plot your revenge...  How? With a taste of her own medicine, of course. 

Dedicated to my roommate :”) ily, but please let me sleep.... 

Warning: Seokjin smut

Word Count: 17,051 

*********************************************************************************

Your heart stops in your chest when you walk in through the door of your apartment after a long day at lab—to find your roommate snuggling with a strange man you’ve never seen before on the couch. They look up at the sight of you and casually hold up their hands in greeting, but your roommate doesn’t even bother to move from where she’s practically lying in the stranger’s lap.

“You’re back from lab late,” Lei calls out to you.

You cautiously set your bag on the counter and think through your words before responding, “Yes… and I have to wake up tomorrow at six in the morning to set up an experiment.”

“Aw, you poor thing,” she offhandedly comments before turning back to her new male companion.

You remain standing in the foyer for a few moments, staring at the way she snuggles back into his embrace without a second thought. But neither of them notice your heated glare, and you have no choice but to moodily march into your bedroom… the one located directly next to the living room in which they currently occupy… with the very couch they sit on pressed against the wall of your room, your bed mere concrete inches from their canoodling… Luckily they aren’t having sex this time.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Normally, you are completely cool with your roommate having visitors over. Boyfriends, dates, one-night stands, whatever. You’ve had your fair share of hookups in the past, and it’s not your right to judge… when these hookups take place in the privacy of one’s own bedroom, that is. But your roommate has this strange preference for canoodling in your shared spaces…

And with only a thin wall to separate you from them, you can hear them as clearly as if they were standing right before you. You groan as you hastily change for bed and dive for your earplugs. But of course, it’s useless. You can still hear the high-pitched squeal of your roommate’s giggles through the spongey material. And with each passing second, the anger in the pit of your stomach heats until it reaches its boiling point.

Jin!!! You angrily text your best friend, in lieu of stomping out in the living room and giving the inconsiderate couple a piece of your mind like you’d really like to, She’s doing it again!!!!

Like always, it only takes him a minute to respond, Lei?

Yah. Who else? Ugh, im going fucking crazy!!!

What guy is it this time? The one who grunts like a pig during sex or the one who asked to borrow a pair of your socks?

Neither! It’s a new guy :( 

Just tell them to shut the fuck up.

Akljslkfjsdkflsk

Srsly, ___. Just do it.

>.< ur no help! Forget it.

Want me to come over and do it for u?

N.O. trust me, Jin, that’s the last thing id ever want.

Y? bc u cant stand to see me saving ur ass again?

No, bc ud only make things worse w/ that scary face of yours.

Not my fault ur blind and cant appreciate beauty.

U look like a mean alpaca

Wut??? Y u lyin? Bitch, im beautiful and u know it!

Whatever. ur no help. Now ill just suffer through the rest of the night listening to their gross scream laughing.

Wanna sleep over instead?

Nah, u live super far away. Just forget it. Maybe I can try to shove two pairs of earplugs in D:

U need 2 just grow a pair and deal with this problem instead of avoiding it.

Asjdflklsdfk maybe one day…

Aite, coward. But don’t turn to me crying.

… why are we even friends again?

Bc no one else likes you.

Jin, r u saying u like me…?;)

No. I tolerate u. plz don’t go putting words in my mouth.

Ya ya whatever. love u too, baby <3

Istg if u call me that one more time…

Goodnight, baby 😘 😘 😘

…goodnight

You smile fondly at that last message. Why is Kim Seokjin such a tsundere? Pretending that he doesn’t care for you, when you know that he probably sees you as a little sister to him. But he’s not Jin if he’s not cold and aloof. Shaking your head in amusement, you place your phone down and lie down on the bed with a smile on your face.

You’re not sure what higher power allowed you to befriend someone like Kim Seokjin years ago in college, but you thank that unknown deity on a regular basis. You don’t know how you’d survive the stress of grad school without Jin’s snarky, dramatic, mostly unwarranted comments every day. Just thinking of your best friend is relaxing enough to put you to sleep and within minutes, you feel your exhausted mind drifting off… Until—

“HEHEHEHEHE, you’re so funny!”

Lei’s high-pitched giggling instantly slams you back into full consciousness. You lay there, staring up at the ceiling in defeat, before flopping over to muffle a scream in your pillow. Fuck your life…

*********************************************************************************

“What are you still doing?” Jin groans as he watches you type furiously at your kitchen table.

“Sorry, I just need a few more minutes,” you say as you hastily type another line of code.

“I thought you wanted to grab food!” he exclaims, “Why are you like this?”

“Shh,” you shush him, “Go stare at your reflection in the back of my laptop and shut up.”

Jin sighs dramatically, “I think it’s very irresponsible for a full grown adult woman like yourself to demand that someone drives her to lunch, only to stand them up.”

“Relax, I’m not standing you up,” you mumble as you hastily delete your line of code and reconsider it, “I just need another second to rerun these analyses… And no one told you to pick me up! I could’ve just taken the subway.”

“And get mugged again?” he snorts, “Like I’m going to let that happen. I can’t deal with that again.”

You shoot him a wry glare, “Not everyone can drive around in their fancy little cars, Mr. Rich Kid.”

“Psht. You’re the one who chose to be a broke ass grad student. Who would willingly want to be a student for another four years?!”

“Six years,” you quietly correct him.

“Six years?! Okay, that settles it. You’re officially insane.”

“At least I enjoy it! You’re the one who sold your soul to the corporate overlords and have to suffer through that boring financial… wait what do you do again?”

“How do you know nothing about me?! Investment—”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Can you come take a look at my analyses?”

“Oh my god… I knew there was a reason you wanted me over,” Jin says with a good-natured sigh as he scoots over to peer at your laptop screen, “Your silly overeducated mind can’t handle a bit of math.”

You scowl at him as you show him the output of your analyses, “Just tell me if this is right or not…”

“What’s the magic word?” he chimes in a singsong voice.

“Sweet cheeks?” you offer.

He immediately scowls, “Forget it. Do your own damn analyses.”

“I didn’t mean that!” You exclaim, clinging onto his sleeve before he can walk away, “I’m sorry, dearest Jin! You are as rich in intelligence as you are in beauty! Please bless me with that sexy brain of yours!”

His lips twitch at your exaggerated words, but to your relief, he concedes, “Fine,” he sighs dramatically, “But only because you asked so nicely.”

You feel the urge to retort back, but you stifle it down in order to show him your output screen, “Please look this over and let me know where I fucked up…”

“What a noble man I am, helping you with the most basic math,” he’s as dramatic as always as he pulls your laptop towards him.

“Yes, my savior!” you pretend to swoon.

Jin actually cracks a smile at that, and opens his mouth to respond, but at that moment, two bodies come crashing in through the front door. Your gut twists in annoyance when you identify the intertwined bodies as Lei and her new man aggressively making out in the doorway.

At least they have the decency to briefly separate when they realize that there is company in the apartment, “Oh, hey guys,” Lei greets the two of you.

Both of you hesitantly wave back. Normally, she would spend longer chatting with the two of you (or flirting with Jin, more like), but this time, she is too engrossed with her new friend. As soon as she finishes greeting you, she reattaches her lips to her male companion’s, and they messily stumble onto the couch to make out more.

You stare at them with a disgusted look on your face, before you quickly catch yourself and politely clear your throat, “So, Jin, what do you think about my analyses?” He doesn’t respond, so you poke him after a second, “Jin?”

“Sorry, what?” he says, forcibly tearing himself from the stomach-turning spectacle, “I can’t concentrate when I’m literally on the verge of vomiting.”

You quickly shush him, horrified that your new guests on the couch might hear his offensive words, “Don’t be like this! It’s a beautiful and natural part of life!”

He ignores you, “Is this the shit you have to deal with on a daily basis?” Jin asks you in horror.

You wince, “Pretty much…”

“Damn… Ok, I’m gonna go beat them both up for you. This is unacceptable.”

“No!” you hurriedly grab his hand before he can follow through on his threat, “Come on, let’s just leave. Aren’t you hungry?”

“___, you seriously can’t keep running away from confrontation!”

“I know, but—ugh!” Frustrated, you shut your laptop and tighten your grip on his hand to forcibly drag him out of the apartment, “Lei, I’m leaving!” You call out before you step outside, but of course, she doesn’t even notice.

As soon as you shut the front door behind you, you whirl around in the hallway to face Jin, “I know that this is gross and really inconsiderate, but what can I do?”

“Just tell her to fucking stop,” he says, his solution as simple and blunt as always.

“I wish I could! But you know that her mother’s the landowner of this apartment complex. I’m paying barely half the rent of what a nice two-bedroom apartment like this downtown should go for! I can’t afford to piss her off!”

“That’s such bullshit,” Jin growls, “You can’t just let her get away with everything she wants because she can hold this over your head. Move out. Hell, if you need somewhere to stay, you can crash with me.”

“Ugh, it’s really not that simple. That’s not a permanent solution.”

“Neither is just letting her get away with this without any consequences for the rest of your life.”

“Yeah, I know… I just need to think of a better approach…”

“Fine. If you won’t talk to her, then get back at her.”

That makes you pause, “Wait… what?”

“Two can play that game,” he explains, “How is it fair that she can be so inconsiderate and rude fooling around with guys in your shared living space? So you should do it too. And she’d be a complete hypocrite if she found fault in it.”

“I…” you blink as you try to think it through, “Wait… that’s not such a bad idea, actually…”

“Of course it isn’t,” he says at once, “I’m a genius, after all.”

“No, you’re really stupid,” you absentmindedly inform him as you mull over his suggestion, “Wait… no, I think this actually could work, Jin! Wow, I just need to find a man to fool around with in front of her! This is exciting!” You exclaim, beaming at this point.

“Yes, exactly. Give her a taste of her own medicine. She probably lacks the basic empathy to understand how gross this is. So you need to let her know how it feels.”

“Ok,” you grin, “I think I will, thanks Jin! I’ll call Jung Hoseok tonight and ask if he wants to come over.”

“Wait—Jung Hoseok?” Jin asks with a wrinkle of his nose, “Are you really going to go down that route again?”

“Sure, why not? I mean, he’s the ultimate fuckboi, and I would never date him, but that’s not what I want from him tonight, now is it? And I think Hobi would always be down for a hookup with no strings attached.”

Still, Jin clicks his tongue in disapproval, “That seems excessive and rather dangerous for this ploy, ___.”

“Dangerous?” You repeat in surprise, “How so?”

But he only ignores you, “Why do you actually have to hook up with someone for real? Why can’t you just fake it?”

Your brow furrows in confusion, “Fake it? How would I fake it on my own? Do you want me to pretend to masturbate or something, you pervert?!”

He cringes at the very thought, “No way, you nasty. I was just saying that I’ll help you act it out in front of her.”

“You? Really? Why would you do something like that?” you ask, shocked by the very thought.

He shrugs, “Why not? It’ll be fun. You know I’d love nothing more than to get back at that gross, overly touchy roommate of yours.”

You pull a face of sympathy when you remember all the unwarranted flirting and excessive skinship Lei had subjected Jin to over the years you’ve lived with her. “But she knows we’re friends. She’ll never believe that we’re hooking up.”

“Why not? I’m hot. Of course you’d want to fuck me.”

You glare at him, but don’t have the energy to discipline him for once, “But why would you want to fuck me? That’s the unbelievable part!”

“Why not?” he says in a flippant tone, “I’m hot and horny, you’ve got tits, we’ve been friends for years, and things just fell together. Boom, done. Now let’s go get omelets.”

“Seokjin, they’ve long stopped serving breakfast.”

“Damn it, woman!” he exclaims, “I told you to hurry up!”

You can’t help but grin at that, “Guess we’re just going to have to eat fried chicken again!”

He shoots you a glare, “Again?”

You beam back, “Yup!”

*********************************************************************************

“Ok, she’s supposed to come back from the grocery store any minute now,” you hiss at Jin that next weekend, when you finally find the time to put your plan into action.

“Alright, what should I do?” he asks as he flops down on the couch next to you.

“Hmm… I’m not sure,” you say as you awkwardly swing your legs over his.

He easily lifts your legs and drags them over his lap, “Should I take off my shirt?” he asks, fingers already fidgeting with the top button.

“No!” You exclaim, sitting up to grab his hands, “What’s wrong with you?!”

“Oh please,” he says with a roll of his eyes, “You know you want to see it.”

“No, I don’t,” you snap back, and for good measure, you pull up the front of his shirt to cover him up to the neck, “Keep that nasty shit to yourself.”

“How is she ever going to believe that we’re fucking?” he sighs.

You pull your legs off of his lap, “I knew I should’ve just called Hoseok,” you groan.

“No, we can make this work,” he says, suddenly leaning down to lay on top of you, hands pressed into the cushions on either side of your face to keep from crushing you, “Isn’t this better?”

But you flush at his close proximity. Whenever you think that you’ve finally gotten used to his impossibly handsome face, he proves you wrong. And lying on top of you like this, with his face inches away from yours… You can see every detail of his face from the sharp angles of his jaw, to the intensity of his dark gaze, and the fullness of his pink lips. Flustered, you squeeze your eyes shut, and blindly fumble out of his grip.

“No, it’s not!” You exclaim as you shove him off of you.

He looks at you, surprised by your dramatic reaction, “What’s wrong with you?”

“N-nothing! I just… I want to be on top instead!” You practically shout as you push him on his back.

Confused, Jin nevertheless complies, “Alright, fine. Whatever floats your boat, you crazy woman.”

You sigh deeply. He’s a lot less threatening now that he’s on his back with his lips far away from yours, and you find yourself finally able to relax. Until you realize that you need to climb onto his body. “I just don’t want Lei to get the wrong impression,” you mutter as you awkwardly shuffle around on the couch, looking for the best position, “Can’t let her think that you’re the one in charge here.”

Jin snorts, but nevertheless crosses his arms behind his head and watches you make your approach under half-lidded eyes, “Whatever helps you sleep at night, babe. Now climb on up.”

Your face nearly explodes with heat from his casual use of the pet name. “You’re so annoying,” you grumble under your breath as you swing a leg over his waist. But it feels ten times more awkward to straddle him, and you quickly scramble up to hover above his stomach instead, avoiding his crotch like the plague. There’s a moment of uncomfortable silence. Then—

“Is this normally how you hook up with guys, ___?” Jin asks as he cranes up his head to try to look at you.

You scowl down at him, “Are you questioning my methods?”

“Yup. Stop being so damn awkward and sit down on me already.”

You flush at his word choice, “J-Jin, I—”

But he grows impatient with your hesitance and takes it upon himself to grab you by the hips and yank you down on him so that you straddle him around the hips, making you sit directly on his—

“Jin!” You yell out in indignation, your face as hot as a furnace at this point as you grab at his vast shoulders for balance.

That smug bastard is as unfazed as always, “What?” he says with a cock of an eyebrow.

You tighten your grip on his shoulders, “Nothing,” you spit out, “You’re just really… skinny,” you say, dragging your nails down his torso as a punishment.

He snorts in response and grabs your hands to flatten against his chest, “Does it feel like I’m just skinny?” he says as he forces you to feel the hardness of his pecs.

“Yes,” you growl, “You bony ass bitch.”

His face scrunches into a scowl and he opens his mouth to offer you an undoubtedly biting retort, but at the moment, the front door swings open.

“Hey, ___, I’m back. How are—AH! What is that?” Lei squeals when she realizes that you’re lying on top of a man, “Wait, is that Kim Seokjin?!”

Your best friend awkwardly pops his head out, “Hi.”

“Oh my fucking god… Are you guys hooking up?!”

“…Uh…Yes?”

Jin winces at your robotic answer and tries to make up for it by smoothing a hand up your thigh, making you jump in surprise, “It’s been like a year now,” he informs her, “Where have you been?”

Lei just shakes her head as she puts down her grocery bags on the ground, “I should’ve known. You guys were always too close to just be friends.”

But that comment makes you frown, “What do you mean by that?”

Jin slaps a hand over your mouth, effectively shutting you up before you can question her further, “Just shut up while we’re still ahead,” he growls into your ear, “And fool around with me.”

“What are you talking about?!” you hiss back, alarmed.

Instead of responding, he splays a large hand across your lower back and shoves you flush against him. It takes everything in your power to keep from squealing out in surprise, but when Jin unexpectedly bites down on your earlobe, you can’t help the squeak from bursting out.

“The hell’s wrong with you?” he whispers in your ear, “Can’t you moan like a normal person?”

“I-I’m sorry? I just wasn’t expecting—eep!” you squeal again when he presses a kiss to the sensitive skin under your chin.

He pulls back with a sigh, “Why are you acting like this? You’re the one who wanted to cause a scene, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I did, but I—” You stop there, embarrassed. How can you explain that you were expecting to just roll around, faking it? How naïve could you be?

Jin sighs again, “Fine, you can suck on my neck instead,” he says, craning his head upward to allow you access.

You pause at that, gazing down at the sight before you with wide eyes. Here is the most attractive man you have ever seen in your entire life, laid out before you like a seven-course meal, just waiting for you to have a taste. Your mouth waters, and if not for your crippling embarrassment, you might have dived right in to eat him whole. But this is your best friend… your platonic best friend who has never seen you as a woman. He’s just doing this as a favor to you, and you won’t allow yourself take advantage of the situation and enjoy this too much…

Easier said than done.

The moment you lean your face down, his masculine scent overwhelms you, making you lightheaded at once. You silently say a prayer in your mind, then lean down to press your lips against his neck. It’s a dry kiss—just a peck of your lips to his skin, but it still makes shivers slide down your back. How many times have you imagined touching him like this? Back in the budding years of your friendship during college, this was all you could think about. It would drive you insane, fighting back your urges to touch him, and staying awake at night stewing over your jealousies of his new fling of the week. It can’t be healthy opening this door again, when you’ve been doing so well keeping non-platonic thoughts of your friend out of your mind for so long… But how can you resist?

When Jin makes no sound of protest, you grow bolder, greedily parting your lips, and before you can second-guess yourself, you flick your tongue over his pulse point. There’s a beat of silence, where you realize what you’ve done and crippling embarrassment fills you. You’re just about to sit up and beg for forgiveness, when Jin does something very unexpected. He weaves a hand through your hair and pushes your head closer.

“Jin,” you whisper against his neck, shocked by the action.

He simply hums in response, “Keep going.”

Your heart is fluttering like a little bird in its cage as you silently obey. As though intoxicated, you can’t help but plant a series of open-mouthed kisses across the expanse of his neck, admiring the way his muscles flex as he twists his head to allow you room. But when you graze your teeth across a prominent vein, he suddenly groans.

“Do that again.”

The low, rumbly quality of his voice makes shivers wrack your body as you jump to do as he says. You gently sink your teeth into a patch of skin under his ear and soothe over the bite marks with your tongue until he groans again. You know that the sounds are probably for show—to feign pleasure to your snooping roommate, but you can’t help the way they send heat straight to your core.

Another few seconds of this, and Jin begins to shift from underneath you, presumably from discomfort. Instantly feeling guilty for sitting on him so heavily, you spring up to relieve him of your weight. But you’re a bit fuzzy with arousal and miscalculate your movements, unintentionally sliding down on him further… until your thigh rams into a strange hardness in the left leg of his jeans… wait could that be—?

“Ugh, how long are you two going to continue doing that?!” Lei’s shrill voice breaks you from your reverie.

You spring away from Jin as though burned, “Wh-what?” your voice is trembling, but you can’t help it.

Lei glowers at you from across the room, “I am trying to make dinner here.”

As though completely unperturbed by what had just occurred on the couch, Jin smoothly answers for you, “What’s wrong, Lei?” he asks with a perfectly arched brow, “Does this bother you?”

She glares back, “Not at all,” she spits through gritted teeth. “You know what? I’ll just eat out.” And with that, she snatches her purse off the counter and marches out the door.

You flinch as the door slams after her. Then you turn to stare at Jin with wide eyes, “Oh my god… I can’t believe that actually worked.”

He chuckles, “I told you it would, didn’t I?”

You laugh along with him, even as you peel yourself off his body and slide to the floor, “Thanks, Jin. She actually believed it! Now she’ll think before hooking up with a guy in our common space again!”

“Great. Just let me know if you need my help again,” he says as he rises to his feet.

“Wait, are you going somewhere?” you ask in confusion as you watch him pick up his phone from the coffee table and slip it into his pocket.

“Yeah, I have work in the morning. I should go home and prepare.”

“But I thought we were going to get dinner after this?”

“Next time,” he says as he makes his way to the door.

You’re a bit stung by his cold rejection. He doesn’t even have the decency to look at you as he blows off your dinner plans. Normally, you’d scold him for this kind of behavior, but this time, you’re a bit relieved that he’s leaving after such an awkward encounter.

“Ok. I’ll text you?”

“Yeah. See you later,” and without a second glance, he walks straight out of your apartment.

As soon as the door closes behind him, you collapse into an undignified pile on the ground, groaning weakly and clutching at your still pounding heart. What the hell had happened back there?!

*********************************************************************************

Unfortunately, it becomes apparent over the next week that your ploy with Jin did not work at all. Lei brings home a new guy less than three days after your romp on the couch, and to your utmost dismay, they go at it all night long. You’re basically a walking zombie the next day at school, horrifying your lab mates by the way you hog the French press throughout the entire day.

By the time you finally leave lab that evening, you’d like nothing more than to just faceplant in bed hibernate for about a decade. You trudge into your apartment complex, let yourself in through the front door, and nearly jump out of your skin in surprise at the sight of Kim Seokjin chilling on the couch.

“AHH! You scared me!” You exclaim, clutching your heart in fear, “How did you get in here?!”

“Your doorman recognized me and let me in the building,” Jin informs you, completely unfazed by your dramatic reaction.

“Oh… that makes sense… Wait, no! How did you get into my apartment?!”

“I have a spare key.”

“Oh…” You say, blinking at the realization. Then—“Wait, what?! How do you have a spare key?!”

“Your mom gave me one.”

“She did what?!”

“Shh. Keep your voice down. You’re so noisy,” he says with a wince. “I wouldn’t have had to barge in here if you would just pick up your phone… Why are you so late?”

“Late for what? …Oh shit. We were supposed to have dinner tonight, weren’t we?!” Wide-eyed, you dive for your phone, and sure enough, there are three missed calls, all from Jin. “I’m sorry, I don’t have service on the subway.”

He scoffs, “I could’ve just picked you up from lab.”

You hastily shake your head at the very thought of it, “Seriously, it’s not a big deal…”

“Fine… what do you want to eat?”

You hesitate, “Jin… it’s always nice to eat out with you… but maybe it’d be nicer to get take out?”

He squints at you in suspicion, “What’s up with you?”

Damn! How did he see through you so quickly? You widen your eyes, trying to play innocent, “Nothing! I just… wouldn’t this be more convenient?”

Still, he scrutinizes you from head to toe with those sharp eyes of his, “Why are you saying this? And why do you look so terrible? Do you have manuscript deadlines again?”

“No, that’s not it,” you quickly say, not wanting to worry him.

“Midterms? Bad meeting with your advisor?”

“No, no. None of those. Seriously, don’t worry. I just didn’t sleep well last night and I’m kinda tired.”

He leans forward so far that his nose nearly brushes you, making you instinctively jump back in surprise, “It’s Lei again, isn’t it?”

You freeze at that, like a deer caught in the headlights, “N-no?”

But he sees through you like you’re transparent, “Ugh, so our scheme didn’t work?”

You awkwardly drop your eyes to your feet as vivid memories of what had transpired between the two of you in this very room come flashing back, “No, I don’t think so… But hey at least we tried, right?”

You don’t have to look up to know that he’s boiling with anger, “Hell no!” he curses, “Are you seriously going to let that asshole get away with it? No, we’re just going to have to think bigger!” He dramatically declares.

“Jin…”

“Trust me, ___we’ll make her regret messing around with you like this.”

“Ok…” you warily agree, “If you say so…” but you can’t shake the excitement that bubbles in your chest at the thought of what he has in store for you.

*********************************************************************************

The next day, you find yourself propped up on the kitchen counter with Jin standing between your legs.

“When is Lei coming home?” he asks as he casually rubs his large hands over your thighs.

But you’re too distracted by the feeling of his warm palms on your bare skin that you can’t think, let alone respond. Why did you choose to wear shorts today, of all days…?

“___?” he says your name in confusion when you take too long to respond.

You jerk your head up in surprise, “Y-yes?”

He frowns at your strange behavior, “Your roommate… Lei. When is she coming back?”

“I… um…” you blink hazily at him, too mesmerized by the beauty of his perfectly symmetrical features up close to process his words, “What?”

He raises an eyebrow, and tries to ask the question for the third time, when there’s the sound of a key in the lock. “Hurry and kiss me.”

“W-what?!”

But at that moment, he reaches forward to cup your face in both hands and presses his lips against yours. The door slides open, and Lei curses at what she finds in the kitchen, but you barely notice. You’re too fully engrossed in the heady sensation of Jin’s silken lips sliding against your own.

“Hi guys, I’m home!” Lei practically yells to catch your attention.

Jin pecks your lips one more time before he pulls away to flash her a displeased look over his shoulder, “Hey.” And with that, he leans in to kiss you again.

Normally, you’d be embarrassed by this public display of affection, especially with your best friend of the last half-decade. But you can’t process anything other than the fact that the most beautiful man on planet earth is kissing you… finally. Never in a million years would you have ever predicted such a thing.

“What are you doing?” Jin whispers to you between long, languid kisses, “Kiss me back.”

That makes you realize that you’ve been completely still this whole time, unable to move one inch from fear as you passively accept his kisses. Tentatively, you begin to move your lips against his, but as soon as you reciprocate, Jin suddenly freezes. For a moment, you’re terrified that you’ve offended him somehow. Are you a terrible kisser? Do you disgust him?

But less than half a second passes before he emits a sound from the back of his throat that sounds suspiciously like a moan, then deepens the kiss. Surprised by the action, your hand instinctively flattens against his chest, but you’re unsure if this is to push him back or urge him closer. Jin interprets it as the latter and steps forward until he’s flush against you, forcing you to feel the hard lines of his body.

You must be possessed. There’s no other way to explain it. Why else would you take it upon yourself to explore the firmness of his torso with interest? It is completely unlike you to boldly slip your hands under his thin t-shirt and grope at the tight muscles of his stomach like a fucking pervert.

To make matters worse, Jin doesn’t provide an ounce of resistance as he eagerly arches into your touch and slides his hand from your face to grab at your hips instead. Then, he suddenly grabs at your thighs, forcing them to lock around his waist. And that’s when you feel it again. The strange hardness in his jeans that you felt a week ago during that incident on the couch. And there is no fucking way of mistaking it this time: Kim Seokjin is aroused. He has a fucking boner that you caused. What the fuck is happening?!

At that realization, heady arousal slams into you with the force of a sledgehammer. All you can think about is grinding against his erection. You want to touch him, kiss him, feel him all over. But most of all, you just want to make him feel good. It’s more than a desire at this point, but a raw need. At this point, you are so drunk off the sensations of his hard body pressed against yours and his sinful tongue sliding down your throat that you almost do something very stupid. Your hands dart to his belt, tingling with the need to touch him—

But the hard slam of a door makes you break away from him with a little yelp.

“You guys are fucking disgusting,” Lei mutters under her breath as she escapes to her bedroom.

There’s a brief moment of disoriented tension between you and Jin where all that can be heard in the kitchen is your heavy pants. But then he steps away from you, leaving you cold from the lack of contact.

“Jin…” you whisper in a small voice, “Wh-what was that?”

Despite his harsh breathing, your best friend seems relatively unaffected by what had just transpired between the two of you. He nonchalantly shrugs, “What do you mean?”

You stare at him for a moment, but the sight of his flustered appearance, with his full lips swollen by your kisses and his cheeks tinged a rosy shade of pink, only makes the voracious desire in the pit of your stomach flare with need. You tear your eyes away, “I… I don’t know. I think… I think we may have taken that too far.”

“Whatever. It worked, right?” his tone is unexpectedly cold as he responds.

You glance up in surprise before lowering your gaze again, “Yeah… but what just happened… um… should we talk about it?”

“What’s there to talk about?” he snaps, “We took it too far, right? We’re just friends, right?”

“Right…” you hesitantly reply, wondering what you’ve said to piss him off so much, “Just friends… nothing else… It’s not like we’re attracted to each other or anything crazy like that…” you say, praying that he’ll object to that obvious lie. The burning erection in his pants is undeniable proof otherwise.

He snorts, making you look up in hopeful surprise, “Don’t you even try lying to my face.”

“…Jin?”

“There’s no way you’re not attracted to me, so don’t even try with that bullshit.”

That was not what you were expecting at all. Angered by his arrogance, you flash him the deadliest glare that you can muster, “You’re so full of yourself, Kim Seokjin. Do you really think that every girl in this universe wants to hop on that dick?”

“Of course not,” he smoothly says, “but you clearly do.”

“How is your head so fucking big?” you snap, horrified by how spot-on he is with that assessment. “And look who’s talking: you were hard as a rock, asshole.”

Jin’s eyes pop open, as though shocked that you’ve noticed. “Yeah, so what?” he spits back, even as he awkwardly hovers both hands over his crotch area, “I’m human, of course I’m gonna pop a boner if someone’s fondling me in such a perverse way! Don’t think you’re special.”

Your face heats at the insult, “Really? So you weren’t attracted to me at all? You would’ve just popped a boner for anyone?”

“Yeah, exactly,” he says with a glare, “It’s just like masturbating, isn’t it? Being touched feels good.”

“Great,” you growl, “Well you can go take care of that yourself, dickface.”

“Or you could do it for me.”

That makes you stop in your tracks, “Wh-what?”

He rolls his eyes at your dramatic response, “Don’t get any ideas in that simple little mind of yours. It’ll just feel a bit better than my own hand.”

Anger flares in your chest from his condescending tone, and before you know what you’re doing, you’ve reached over to grab him roughly through the pants. “Does this feel just a bit better than your own hand?” you mock him as you massage his erection with both hands.

Jin licks his swollen bottom lip before shooting you a glare relatively devoid of any real anger, “Barely.”

Your eyes flash, and then you’re reaching into his pants to grab his bare cock. This time, Jin can’t help his instinctive reaction to your touch, doubling over as though he’d been punched, “___!”

You ignore him to squeeze what you can of his length in the restrictive confines of his pants. “Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll stop.”

His eyes dart to yours, “Don’t you fucking dare do that or I swear to god, ___.”

You resist a shiver at the sound of his uncharacteristically deep voice that’s dropped an entire octave with arousal. Drunk on his reactions, you would happily obey, but a new thought pops in your mind about how the two of you aren’t alone. You pause and try to remove your hand from inside his pants, but Jin quickly grabs your wrist, fearful that you might leave him hanging, “Lei could come out and see us,” you remind him in a hushed voice.

He relaxes slightly at that, “Then we’ll go into your room,” And without waiting for a response, he drags you in that direction.

He practically bursts into your bedroom and kicks the door shut behind him. You blush at the sight of your messy, unmade bed, but Jin gives zero fucks as he eagerly sprawls across your sheets and yanks at his belt. As you watch him, you can’t help but feel a bit of trepidation. This is your best friend of half a decade. If you cross this line, you might as well be flushing years of friendship down the toilet. What are you doing right now?

But at that moment, Jin finally gets his belt undone and yanks down his pants and boxers without a second thought, his hard dick instantly bouncing up to slap against his stomach. As soon as your eyes land on his throbbing length, you’re done for. All thoughts about the ethics of this situation drop from your mind as you crawl onto the bed after him, eyes fixated on his bare cock and practically salivating at the sight.

Jin watches you from under hooded lids, seemingly nonchalant as he lays back against your headboards, hands propped behind his head, but when you grab him in your warm hand again, his entire body spasms.

You can’t get over the feeling of him in your hand, so hard and big, yet velvety-soft to the touch. And the way he keeps twitching, as though trying to jump closer to the heat of your hand, is intoxicating.

You gently squeeze him from base to tip, marveling when copious amounts of precum slide down his cock from your action. It slickens your movements, allowing you to give him longer, harder strokes with each passing second.

After a minute or so, Jin suddenly crashes his head back against the wall with a loud groan of frustration. Startled, you look up at him, and nearly jump out of your skin in surprise to find him already staring down at you, his gaze so heated that you feel almost painfully hot in your own skin.

“Jin…” you whisper his name, cringing at the dry, broken quality of your voice. You lick your lips for moisture, ignoring the way his eyes lock on the gesture, and try again, “Jin, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he says, but the word comes out as a strangled groan, “Fuck.”

No matter what bullshit he tries to tell you, you know that he likes this. He likes this a lot, if the way he shivers and pants, his hands clenching and unclenching in the sheets underneath him is any indication. His teeth are gritted so hard that you can see a muscle jumping in his cheek, revealing just how difficult it must be for him to hold back his sounds.

You pout slightly at the realization. You’d like nothing more than to hear him moan for you. But you have a role to play here—you’re supposed to be completely indifferent, and begging for him to moan your name would ruin that purpose, no matter how much you want it. Somehow, you still value your ego more. Just like he does.

So you pump him harder, lowering your eyes to your work to avoid the heat of his gaze, and biting down hard on your bottom lip to resist the urge to taste him… The hot precum leaking from his tip is so tempting, but you force yourself to stay strong. You can’t let him win, like he always does. Not this time. It’s been your mission in life to prove to him that you’re not just another one of his fawning fangirls hanging onto his every word. You refuse to be that person… maybe because you want to be more than just that to him…

If you let your emotions take control right now, then you’ll be doomed. You’ll let him know how much you care… How much you’ve always cared about him. And then he’ll just laugh you off, like probably does with all the other love-struck admirers. You stand no chance. This will be as much as you’ll ever get from him.

And with that in mind, you suddenly slow down your pace, realizing that this is the only chance you’ll get to ever touch him. You close your eyes as you try to remember every detail—the weight of his cock in your hand, the very texture and warmth; his ragged breathing and the way he looks, whole body drenched in sweat. It’s then that you realize with a sinking heart that no man will ever compare. That this is it.

“Fuck, ___,” Jin groans, tearing you away from your thoughts, “Are you trying to kill me?”

You ignore him to wring your fist up his length, paying special attention to the sensitive head of his cock.

Jin curses again, “Fucking hell, ____! Why are you doing this to me?” He shifts in obvious discomfort on the bed, hips lifting towards your stingy touch.

“What do you mean?” you say as you examine his heavy, pulsating erection. It’s so hot and red, you can only imagine that he’s practically at his bursting point. You almost feel sorry for him. But if he hates this so much, he can just get himself off. His hands are just about as good as yours, apparently.

Jin throws his head back and groans deeply when you slide a thumb across his slit, “You’re fucking doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”

“Why would I do that?” you snort, “Aren’t you just getting a little desperate?”

“Yeah, because I want to fucking cum and you’re making it impossible,” he spits back, “Why are you so lazy? Why can’t you put in some fucking effort?”

“I’m just not interested,” You smoothly lie through your teeth, “This is so boring to me.”

“If we’re just friends and you’re not attracted to me whatsoever, then why the fuck are you even doing this?” Jin growls.

He’s got you there. “And if you’re not attracted to me either, then why do you want this so badly?” you shoot back, instead of addressing his question.

“Because your hands are soft and I want to fucking cum on them!” he practically snarls, “Don’t you dare think this has anything to do with you.”

Your nostrils flare in anger, and you’re almost tempted to just drop his cock and stomp out of the room. But that would mean that you’ve let him get under your skin. And you’re determined to not let him affect you one bit.

“Fine,” you snap. And with that, you begin jerking him off as fast as you can.

Jin’s entire form crumples at once, as he practically folds his larger frame over you. He’s a bit slow with his reactions this time and doesn’t have the self-control to hold himself back before a strangled moan tears through the room.

You ignore him and the wetness in your underwear as you impatiently stroke him towards his orgasm. His precum is still flowing, but it’s not quite enough, and you quickly duck your head to spit on him to further lubricate your movements.

Clearly not expecting that, Jin shouts out your name, astonished by the vulgar action, “___!”

“Shut up,” you growl in response, redoubling your efforts. He’s so close right now. You can feel it viscerally as if it was your own pleasure. The way his arms shake with the effort to keep him upright, the way his breathing goes haywire, and the way every muscle in his body tenses like a coil… He’s either on the edge or right there. And true to your expectations, it only takes another minute of your harsh pumping before he’s suddenly latching out to grab you with both hands.

“Fuck!” he shouts, entire body trembling as he bursts all over your hands. Any semblance of self-control disappears at that instant, where he helplessly jerks his hips up into your hand, desperate for more friction.

You patiently stroke him through his orgasm, using his excessive cum as lubrication. He meets you stroke for stroke, and the fluid motions of his hips makes your mouth go dry. You’ve never seen anything so fucking hot as Kim Seokjin when consumed mindless by his powerful orgasm.

But all good things must come to an end, and a few seconds later, he pushes away your hands with a shiver of overstimulation. You reluctantly withdraw and stare down at your cum-coated hands. For a second, you’re nearly overcome with the need to taste him by sucking his cum off of your fingers one by one. Somehow, you resist and reach over to pluck a few tissues from the nightstand, “Ew.”

Jin is still breathing too hard to respond. He shakily brushes his sweaty bangs off his forehead and tucks his spent length back in his pants, “Sh-shut up.”

You ignore him to reach for the hand sanitizer instead, intentionally rubbing it on in front of him to prove a point.

A heavy silence suffuses the room, and you have no idea how to address it as you carry on with your act. You realize that the logical course of action is to kick him out of your apartment… But you don’t really want to do that.

“Come on,” Jin says, breaking through the tension, “Lie on your back. I’ll eat you out or something.”

But the way he says it makes it sound like a chore, and your face heats at the implication, “Forget it, asshole. Don’t even front. I know what a selfish bastard you are.”

His brow furrows with indignation, “What the fuck? I’ll prove to you just how wrong you are. Get on your back, kid.”

Clearly that was the wrong thing to say to him as it just encouraged his competitive drive. You try a different approach, “No way. Why do you think I would ever want that?”

“Are you still playing this game? Calm down and let me rub one out for you.”

His crassness makes you shrivel up in embarrassment. There’s nothing you’d want more, but you know that the moment you drop your pants, he’ll realize how turned on you are… You’ve already soaked through your panties at this point, and you wouldn’t be surprised if you left a stain against the bed sheets. And he can’t know how aroused you are from just pleasuring him. You would never survive the embarrassment.

“Stop it,” you say, “Just leave me alone.”

You’re not sure if you’re more relieved or disappointed when he concedes. “Fine,” he bites out, “I didn’t want to go through that effort anyways, so you spared me.”

That stings more than it should. “Whatever. Just go home, asshole.”

Jin doesn’t even look at you as he angrily buttons his pants and yanks his clothes back into place. Then, without sparing you a single word, he marches straight out of your bedroom. You count down from ten in your head, and the moment you hear the front door slam shut, you collapse onto your bed with a deep groan. It feels like all the energy has left your body, making you feel exhausted enough to sleep for a decade.

What you had just done to Jin… That was single-handedly the sexiest experience of your life. And yet… why do you feel so empty?

*********************************************************************************

You don’t speak to Jin for the next week. For most friends, this is a pretty normal occurrence. But you and Jin are so close that it’s odd to not speak to him for even a day, much less an entire week. The first few days are tough. You almost forget that you’re fighting multiple times throughout the week, and pick up your phone to complain to him about the harsh feedback your advisor’s sent you, or the annoying thing Lei’s done this time, before you collect yourself.

But when the 10-day mark rolls by, you feel your defenses crumbling. You find yourself pausing in the hallway outside of your apartment, staring down at your dry phone with a frown. Normally Fridays are your bi-weekly dinner dates with Jin. It’s been a tradition between the two of you since you were in your second year of university. Surely, he wouldn’t be petty enough to forget this… right?

You’re about to pull up Jin’s contact in your phone to call him when a family of four nearly plow you over in their hurry to the elevator.

“Sorry, Miss!” the frazzled mother yells out before she shoos her children into the elevator.

It’s too hazardous to stand out here in the busy hallway, so you quickly unlock the front door of your apartment unit and let yourself in before hitting the green “call” button. You’re just about to toss your keys on the counter when a loud vibration makes you jump in surprise. Oh, you thought you were home alone. Lei was supposed to be out until late tonight. You look up to greet her, but the smile slides right off your face when you find someone much bigger than Lei sitting in the living room. The keys slip between your fingers to fall to the ground with a loud clatter.

“Oh, shit.”

But Jin beats you to it, rushing across the room to pick up your fallen keys for you, “Here,” he says as he hands them to you.

“Thanks,” you resist the urge to shiver as his fingers brush yours. Then you drop your gaze to your feet, too overwhelmed by his sudden appearance to look him in the eye, “Jin, what are you doing here?”

“Tch, don’t tell me you forgot about our dinner night?”

You peek up at him in embarrassment, “Really…? You’re not still mad at me?”

He rolls his eyes at that, “How can I be mad at you for something so stupid? Come on. Put down your backpack and let’s go.”

Suddenly overwhelmed with emotion, you lurch forward to throw your arms around his neck in a painfully tight embrace, “I’m sorry, Jin!”

He chuckles as he hugs you back, “Don’t be, ___... Seriously. Don’t be.”

You’re not sure what he means by that, but you don’t care. All you know is that you have your best friend back, “Let’s never do anything so stupid again.”

His smile doesn’t reach his eyes when he finally lets you go, “If you say so.”

*********************************************************************************

Jin insists on walking you back to your apartment after dinner (even though his car is parked just on the curb), and you decide that it’s only proper to invite him in for a drink. But as Jin watches you fumble around in the kitchen with a beer in his hand, he suddenly shoots you with an unexpected question:

“Hey, ___, have you ever thought about me as more than a friend?”

You nearly drop the glass you had been cleaning in shock, “Wh-what?”

“We’ve been friends for a long time. Surely you must have thought about it one time or the other?” he calls out as casually as if he was discussing the weather.

You slowly put down the glass as you deliberate your next words carefully. But how can you evade the question without straight-up lying to his face? “I… I’m not sure why you’re asking me that,” you slowly say.

Jin sighs deeply and plops down his beer on the coffee table, “Stop cleaning and come sit with me for a second.”

There’s no way you can reject that simple request without appearing suspicious, so you reluctantly wipe your hands and join him, “What’s up, Jin?” you ask as you cautiously take a seat next to him on the couch and fold your legs underneath yourself.

He pauses for a moment, fiddling with the hem of his oversized cream sweater, before speaking, “I know that I’m not your type. That’s what you’ve been telling me since we first met. But surely over the past five years that we’ve been friends, it must have crossed your mind at one point or the other, right?”

You gnaw on your bottom lip, unsure of his intentions behind this line of questioning, but terrified, nevertheless, “I’m not sure what you mean, Jin.”

He sighs in frustration before trying again, “Come on, ___. You can be honest here… Have you ever thought about fucking me?”

Your mouth instantly goes dry at his question, and for a moment it feels like you can’t breathe. “Wh-what are you--? Why… I-I never!” you choke on your words, then hurriedly backtrack to try to fix your mistake, “I mean, I’m not blind. I can admit that you’re objectively hot, but that doesn’t mean that I want to—” You break off, embarrassed beyond belief, “God, Jin! Where the hell is this coming from?!”

But the tall dark-haired man purses his lips together tightly and steamrolls on, “Really, ___? So you’re trying to tell me that in our five years of friendship, not once did you ever think about me sexually?”

You take a moment to inhale deeply and brace yourself, “Never,” you lie through your teeth.

His eyes narrow, “Really?”

“Really.”

He cocks his head to the side as he considers you, brow furrowed as though deep in thought. Then, he unexpectedly lets out a bark of laughter, “Bullshit.”

Your eyes widen in shock, “Excuse me?”

“You heard me. Bullshit,” he growls, “I know it’s not all in my head. I know that you want me, ___.”

Your face heats with indignation, “What the fuck’s gotten into you these days?!” you seethe, “I know how you act with the other girls, but can you keep your oversized ego in check with me at least?!”

“Fine, if you’re not the least bit attracted to me, then come here,” he says, grabbing you by the hands to drag you closer to him on the couch so that your thighs touch, “Do you really feel nothing when I’m this close to you?”

“No!” You exclaim at once, though you can’t help the way your body floods with warmth at the feeling of his hands on your skin.

“Really? Look at me, ___. You seriously don’t want to kiss me right now?”

“No, not at all!” you shriek as you try to rip your hands out of his grip, but he’s a lot stronger than you expected.

“So what you’re trying to say is that you feel nothing for me,” he presses on, a strange desperation flashing in his eyes before he quickly masks it, “There is absolutely no attraction between us, and you’ll only ever see me as a friend?”

“Yes,” you lie, since it’s all you’re good at, “I don’t like you, Seokjin, and I never will.”

At that, he drops your wrists as though burned, “Alright,” he mutters in a bitter tone, “I understand.”

You suck in a deep breath through your teeth to try to calm your pounding heart. It doesn’t work. “Good,” you whisper in a hoarse tone. Then you rise to your knees and smash your lips to his.

Jin is completely still for the longest, most devastating second of your life. You’re about to furiously apologize then throw yourself out the window in disgrace when he suddenly grabs you by the back of the neck and forcibly deepens the kiss. And then his tongue is in your mouth, boldly pressing past your teeth and curling with yours as his fingers tighten around your neck, holding you captive.

His kisses are nothing like the modest, chaste ones he gave you in the kitchen a week and a half ago. This time he’s on the edge of violent, devouring you whole and holding onto you so hard that you have zero chance of escape. It’s as though he’s afraid that you might try to leave again. But you wouldn’t even if you could. Because this has been five whole years in the making. You’ve wanted him since the first time you laid eyes on him. And now that you’ve finally got him…

You feel like you’re drowning under the heat of his touch. It’s like the blood rushing through your veins has turned to molten lava, burning you from the inside out. You’re completely powerless as you get swept up by your desires, like a leaf in the wind. All you can do is relish the sensations, clinging onto Jin with both hands as you silently beg him for more.

And he does not disappoint. Without missing a beat or breaking the heated kiss, Jin shoves both hands up your shirt, hot fingers trailing along your stomach and ribcage for a second before he boldly grabs your breasts. You gasp into his mouth in surprise, and the sound turns into a guttural moan when Jin slides his mouth from yours to suck deep bruises into the tender skin under your jaw. The multitude of sensations leaves you breathless. But before you can rip off your shirt to allow him better access, Jin suddenly jumps up and hauls you off your feet with formidable strength you weren’t aware he possessed.

His lips are on yours again before you can comment on this new development, distracting you with hot kisses until your back hits something springy. You break from the kiss with a yelp of surprise to find yourself in your bedroom, pressed flat against your messy sheets as Jin continues to mouth at the crook of your neck. Somehow, he had carried you to your room when you were unaware. And now that he’s not limited by the awkward positioning of your bodies on the couch, he’s able to lower himself on top of you, trapping you under his broad frame with no restrictions.

“Jin!” You yell out in shock when a shift of his hips has you feeling the painfully hard erection in his jeans for the first time.

He ignores you to yank on one of your legs, forcing it to wrap around his waist and allowing himself surface area to grind against as he loses himself to his lust. And then it hits you like a slap to the face that this is actually happening. That this isn’t going to be some casual make out session or another quick handjob. That after all of these years of fantasizing and waiting, you’re finally going to have sex with Kim Seokjin. This is actually happening.

“Seokjin,” you murmur his name when he begins nipping down to your cleavage, making him freeze in his tracks.

“…Yes?” He asks as he stares up at you with fearful wide eyes. You instantly recognize the trepidation in them, confusing you for a moment before awareness dawns upon you. He’s scared… because he thinks that you might ask him to stop. And you know that he would. He would do it in a heartbeat if that’s what you wanted. But he’s so aroused that it wouldn’t be anything short of excruciating.

So you giggle softly to dispel his fears and affectionately lean up to nip his earlobe, “Take off your clothes, Jin,” you whisper in his ear.

Your sultry request incites something within him, because less than a second passes before he’s shooting up onto his haunches and ripping off his clothes at lightning speed. You gasp out loud at the sight of his bare chest, hungry fingers darting to touch the hard muscle, but before you can make contact, Jin pushes your hands away to undress you as well. In a blink of an eye, your shirt hits the ground along with your bra. Jin pauses for a moment there, distracted by the mouthwatering sight of your breasts, but quickly refocuses when you wiggle out of your jeans and carelessly kick them off to the ground, leaving you decked in only a pair of thin cotton underwear. And together, the two of you peel them off your legs, leaving you entirely naked before him.

“Fuck,” he curses, eyes shamelessly devouring you from head to toe as he runs his tongue over his lips over and over, practically salivating at the sight of your bare body spread out across the sheets.

Embarrassed, you try to cover yourself with your hands, “Jin…”

He possessively rips your hands from your body and pins them above your head, “Don’t you dare cover yourself from me,” he growls before covering your lips with his swollen red ones again.

His grip is as strong as steel around your wrists and you couldn’t break free even if you wanted to. You never knew that your handsome, princely best friend possessed such strength, and it’s sexy to say the least. He had always seemed almost delicate, like he would be flimsy in bed, but you could’ve have been more wrong. It feels like a wall of concrete is closing in on you, surprisingly well-defined muscles rippling with every movement, and you feel light-headed from the intensity of your arousal.

“Fuck me, Jin,” you beg as you careen your hips up for friction.

He curses softly at this, but somehow resists, instead slipping his hand down to cup your mound, “How are you so fucking wet?” he asks in shock as he easily slides a finger inside of you.

You clench down on him at once, moaning at the sensations when he begins curling his finger inside of you. But it’s not enough. Not when you know how big and thick his cock is, and how much more nicely it’d fill you up than his slender fingers. “Seokjin,” you whine, “Please just fuck me.”

He bites down on his plump bottom lip at that, but somehow manages to refuse you with a shake of his head, “No. I gotta stretch you out first, baby. So I don’t hurt you.”

“I can take it, Jin!” you exclaim, practically thrashing underneath him when he slips another finger inside of you, rocking them both up against your g-spot in a way that makes you see stars in your vision.

Jin groans softly as you clench around him as hard as you can, clearly imagining his dick in the place of his fingers… which he could easily have, if he wasn’t so damn stubborn. “N-not yet,” he says, but the tremble of his voice gives him away.

“Please!” you mindlessly beg, “I want your dick so bad, I’m going to die if you don’t fuck me right now! Please, Jin!”

He falters at that, and when you lean up to bite down at the thick muscle of his neck, Jin’s resolve crumbles entirely. “Fuck, okay,” he breathlessly agrees, and with one last harsh twist of his thumb against your clit, he rises onto his knees to yank at his belt. “Get a condom.”

You’re so distracted by the residues of pleasure that continue to buzz in your system that you can’t process his words for a moment. But when you finally do, you hastily shake your head, horrified by the very thought, “I’m on birth control… And we know each other. You’re clean, right?”

“Yes, of course!”

“Then please cum inside of me, Seokjin,” you purr, wrapping both legs around his waist and rubbing your drenched slit against the front of his crotch.

His eyes darken at that, and in a blink of an eye, he has his jeans and underwear shoved to mid-thigh and his burning hot erection gripped in his hand. You can’t help the gasp that tears from your throat at the sight. He’s bigger than you remember. Not only is he long, but unbelievably wide in girth. You like dick as much as anyone else, but this is almost excessive. For a split second, trepidation breaks through the cloud of arousal. There’s no way he will fit… not without a great deal of pain, at least.

Jin senses your hesitation, and he lowers his head to give you a soft, reassuring kiss, “I told you to give me time to stretch you out,” he says as he gently slides the flat of his cock against your pussy lips.

That snaps you out of it, and you quickly shake your head, absolutely resolute as you spread your thighs for him, “I don’t care. Do it next time. Right now, I just need you to fuck me before I go insane!”

Jin pauses at that, “Next time…?”

You ignore him to lift your hips up, grinding your sopping wet pussy against his dick, “Please just put it in, Jin!”

He chokes back a groan at that and licks his lips, “Fuck, alright.” And his former line of questioning lost through this distraction, he shakily presses the head of his cock against your entrance, biting down hard on his bottom lip when it pops past the barrier, allowing him to sink in a good inch or two before he forces himself to stop. “A-are you okay?” he asks, voice quivering as hard as the arms trying to brace themselves on either side of your head.

It’s a bit uncomfortable having your entrance stretched this wide to accommodate his girth, but it’s not intolerable. So you nod your head and spread your legs wider, allowing him a full two more inches into your delicious heat before you press a hand against his stomach to stop him. “Ow, give me a moment,” you say with a wince.

He jerks his head in a curt nod, trying to be respectful of your needs, even as his hands grip around the sheets tightly enough to turn his knuckles white. In the minute he allows you, he restlessly noses around your neck, darting his tongue out to taste random spots, as though seeking any distraction to keep from shoving the rest of his cock inside of you like he desperately desires.

Taking pity on him, you raise your hips to meet his until you’ve got nearly half of his enormous cock inside of you. Already, it’s a bit more of a stretch than you can handle, and your body automatically attempts to push this foreign item out of you by tightening and squeezing around him. It’s completely instinctive, like a knee-jerk reflex, and you realize too late that it’s the absolute worst thing you could do to a man with his self-control shred to tatters.

The moment he feels your walls clamping around him as tight as a vice, Jin throws his head back with a gasp, then slams the rest of his length inside of you with a single jerk of his hips.

You’re suddenly overwhelmed, filled to the hilt, and you’re sure he’s hit your cervix by the sharp pain that stabs your lower stomach upon impact, but you wouldn’t dare stop him. Even the pain is poignant, the sharpness chased by the sweetest aftertaste of pleasure that has you hungry for more.

“A-are you okay?” he breathlessly asks, even as he begins to surge forward in your heat, hips immediately picking up a rapid pace.

“Yes!” You yell out, “Please don’t stop.”

“Fuck,” he curses as he digs his fingers into your thighs hard enough to bruise. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, you feel so good.”

You wrap your legs tighter around his narrow waist in response, silently urging him on as he literally fucks the thoughts out of your mind. As a result, neither of you notice the bang of the front door swinging open until a voice calls out—

“___, I’m home!”

You stiffen at the sound of Lei’s voice and dig your nails into Jin’s back to keep him from moving, “Shit,” you whisper, eyes wide with fear at getting caught, “We need to be quiet!”

Jin’s hot pants fill the air as he struggles to hold himself still inside of your hot pussy when all he wants to do is fuck you into oblivion. He manages exactly ten seconds before his eyes flash dangerously, “Fuck that shit,” and with that, he pulls back on his heels and slams into you so hard that your entire body knocks back into the headboard, and a scream of his name come tearing from the back of your throat before you can help it.

“Seokjin!”

There’s the sound of something clanging noisily as it hits the ground in the other room, followed by Lei’s cursing, “What the fuck…?”

Jin laughs under his breath as he continues to drill into you, delighting in the shrieks and bubbles of noise you helplessly emit. “Fuck, ____,” he moans dramatically, so that his voice can be heard through the thin walls, “You feel so good.”

You bite down on your bottom lip to hold back your laughter as you catch onto his wicked plan, “Oh Jin, please fuck me harder!” you wantonly moan at the top of your lungs, “Harder, baby, harder!”

Jin flashes you a brilliant grin before reaching up to bang his fist against the headboard, the loud thuds echoing throughout the room, “Like this, baby?” he half-yells, even though he has fallen motionless inside of you.

“Fuck yes!” You scream so loudly that even Jin jumps in surprise.

That is the last straw, and a second later, you hear the front door opening, “You guys are fucking disgusting!” Lei shrieks in the shrillest voice imaginable before slamming the door shut.

There’s a brief moment of silence before Jin blinks at you, “Do you think we finally got your revenge?”

“I sure hope so… What more can we do?”

A stunning smile stretches across Jin’s handsome face as he peers down at you, “Want to take this to her bed instead?”

You stare at him with huge eyes for split second, shocked beyond belief. He stares back with a raised eyebrow. Then, the tension breaks and the two of you burst into hysterical laughter.

“This is crazy!” you yelp as tears fill your eyes from how hard you’re laughing. This whole thing is just so ridiculous! Not in a million years did you ever imagine yourself to end up in such a wild situation! You clutch your aching tummy as you continue to be overcome by peals of laughter, and as a result, you don’t notice that Jin has fallen deathly silent until he suddenly grabs you by the hips with a snarl.

The laughter dies in your chest as you take in the sudden intensity of his cold stare, “Jin…?”

He tightens his grip around your hips when you shift around to try to look at him better, “Stop. Fucking. Moving.”

You instantly obey, freezing to ice as the implications of his words hit you like a ton of bricks. Your hearty laughter, with him buried deep inside of you, has probably shaken him up in the most agonizing way possible… Flustered, you nervously chuckle, unintentionally constricting and vibrating around his cock again.

Jin falls on top of you with a tortured groan, hands sinking into the pillow on either side of your head as he helplessly drives his hips forward into your warmth, “I thought I told you to stop moving,” he hisses as he pulls out just to ram himself inside of you, up to the hilt. And just like that, the tension breaks as the desire to cum rushes back, ten-fold.

“Oh my god, Jin,” you groan as he begins to mercilessly pound you into the mattress, “How are you so fucking big?”

He chuckles breathlessly, “I hope you’re not in too much pain in the morning.”

“I’ve already lost feeling in my legs,” you say, even as you wrap them tighter around his lithe waist, “What is this damn elephant trunk of yours?

That makes him laugh again, sweaty face flushing with a tint of pink, “I’m sorry baby girl.”

“Don’t be,” you groan, “Because it’s fucking awesome.”

“I promise I’ll be gentler next time,” he guarantees you through heavy pants, “But right now… I need to cum… fuck, I’m so close, ___.”

“Me too,” you groan, blindly lifting your hips for more. And as a result, you’re too dazed by your need for an orgasm to process the meaning behind his words. This whole situation should be unbearably uncomfortable and weird—you’re fucking your best friend of half a decade, after all. But for some reason, it feels right. Like you were meant to have him buried in your pussy. You’ve never known what empty felt like until now that you’ve finally experienced the ecstasy of complete fullness.

Warmth is bursting at the seams of your legs, coloring your vision a rosy tint, but still, it’s not quite enough. So you slip a hand between your sweaty bodies, seeking that extra boost that will send you off the edge. But before you can rub yourself to completion, a hand knocks yours to the side.

“Let me,” Jin offers, brow wrinkled in concern as he resumes drawing circles around your clit for you. It takes you a second to recognize the emotion on his face as jealousy—over your own touch on your body. It’s so childish and yet endearing that you can’t help but laugh at his illogical reaction. However, your amusement quickly dies in your chest when Jin vindictively digs his thumb into your clit with the perfect amount of pressure, sending you catapulting towards your orgasm so fast, you experience whiplash.

“Oh my god,” you whimper as you trash from underneath him, practically bucking him off, “I’m going to cum!”

Jin moans from deep in his chest in response to your warning and leans down to suck a hickey into your neck, “Do it,” he breathlessly commands you, “Cum for me now.”

Like a puppet on a string, your body automatically obeys, and with just one last hard slam of his cock into your fluttering walls, you squeeze your eyes shut and cum all over him. The white-hot pleasure overwhelms you, filling every cell of your body with blinding light such that your mind blanks entirely. Consequently, you’re too caught up in your own pleasure to notice when Jin stiffens above you, his own release triggered by the sudden vice-like clamping of your walls over his dick. He cums noisily, grunting your name and spitting various curses as he snaps his hips back and forth, riding out his orgasm in bliss.

When he’s emptied every last bit of his hot semen inside of you, Jin finally pulls out with a deep sigh of contentment. There’s a few minutes of blessed silence where the two of you simply lie there, nuzzling into each other with soft kisses, and listening to your racing hearts slow. You feel sluggish with exhaustion in the aftermath of your orgasmic bliss. And it feels so nice to have Jin gently mouthing at your neck as he holds you close to his body, both arms looped possessively around your waist like he never wants to let you go. Your eyes feel so heavy that you can’t help but close them, as you reason with yourself that it couldn’t hurt to doze off for just a few minutes…

But of course Jin has to go and ruin the peaceful atmosphere with his big, fat mouth.

“See? I knew you were attracted to me,” he chuckles, voice muffled by your skin.

And just like that, the mood breaks and your jaw drops with indignation, “What the hell?” you angrily shove him off of you.

Bewildered by your sudden shift in mood, Jin nevertheless rolls over onto his back, “Huh? ___, what’s wrong?”

“How are you so fucking arrogant, Kim Seokjin?” you growl as you hunt for your clothes.

“What? No, I’m not!” He protests in confusion, “How is it arrogance when I’m just stating facts? You’re clearly attracted to me! Why else would you have jumped me like some kind of feral animal?!”

Your face grows hot at the unflattering reminder, “Oh my god, shut up, Jin. I must have had a minor stroke or something. I don’t know what else could have possessed me to act in that a way. I’m such a basic bitch!”

“Why are you acting this way? It was good, wasn’t it?” he asks with a touch of defensiveness.

It was more than good. It was amazing. Mind-blowing, really. But there’s no way in hell you’ll boost his ego by letting him know that. “You have a big dick, I’ll give you that. But that doesn’t mean shit.”

He colors at your insult, “And you think you’re all that? All you did was lie down and take it, ___. I might as well have been fucking a ragdoll or something.”

“Oh yeah? Well look at you, asshole. I gave you a handjob and let you fuck my pussy. And what did I get in return? Just a bruised cervix.”

Jin splutters at the complete unfairness of your words, “B-but—what are you even—I tried to reciprocate, but you wouldn’t let me!”

You choose to ignore that, “All I hear are excuses! I seriously can’t believe you, Jin. Were you honestly expecting me to fall to my knees and thank you for blessing me with your dick?”

“Why not?” he hotly shoots back, “You were literally begging me to fuck you earlier. I think you could show a bit more appreciation.”

You heat up further as you remember the shit you said in bed, but you resolutely refuse to allow any embarrassment or weakness to show in front of him, “I don’t know who you think I am, Kim Seokjin. But I’m not one of your fangirls who pray that you’ll look in their direction, and allow you to use them like disposable sex dolls. That won’t work with me. I’m more than that. Jin, you know I am,” you say, hoping that he will agree with your statement.

To your disappointment, he snorts in derision, “Yeah right. You may pretend to be all high and mighty, but I know you’re just as thirsty for this dick as the rest of them. Just admit it, babe.”

Your ego is torn to shreds, yet you make you last attempt, desperate to not let this opportunity slip past you, “I won’t be another one of your playthings, Jin. I deserve better.” There’s a brief moment of silence following your confession. You’ve wanted to say this since you first caught feelings for him all the way back during college, and the fact that you’ve finally gotten this off your chest is both liberating and completely terrifying. You know that your chances are slim at best, but you can’t help but hope against hope.

“Tch, whatever,” is Jin’s gruff response when he finally catches his breath, “Fuck you too.” And with that, he collects his clothes and stomps out of your bedroom.

You sit there for a long time after he leaves, helplessly staring after him. Not even in your wildest dreams or most frightening nightmares could you have ever predicted him reacting in this way. With all of your years of friendship, you actually believed him to care about you. So his blunt, heartless rejection is agonizing to say the least. You had expected an awkward rejection—maybe a half-assed hug and a promise that you’d find someone else at worst. But you have never witnessed such coldness from this man who you had considered to be your best friend.

Suddenly wracked with shivers, you slowly slide under the covers and pull them over your head. The remnants of his cum is still seeping out of you, sliding down your leg to stain your sheets, but you’re too numb to care. You can only lie there and stare up at the ceiling as you fight the urge to cry.

*********************************************************************************

You can’t bring yourself to crawl out of bed the next morning until nearly noon. You know that you look like a hot mess with your hair matted and eyes swollen from crying. All you want to do is grab a glass of water from the kitchen to keep from dehydration, then spend the rest of the day cooped up in your bed.

Unfortunately, as you pour yourself water in the kitchen, Lei hears the commotion from her bedroom, and hurriedly rushes out to intercept you.

“___!” She yells your name, making you cringe.

God, you really need to get your own apartment… You take another long swallow of your water before you slowly put the glass down, “…Yes?”

She places both hands on her hips, clearly upset with you for some reason you can’t fathom, “How dare you pull a stunt like that last night!”

You wince at the volume of her voice, “What do you mean?” you ask, glancing longingly past her to the open door of your bedroom.

“Don’t you even try to play dumb, ___! That stunt you pulled with Seokjin! How could you do that to me?!”

“What the hell are you even talking about?” Irritation fills you for the first time at her hypocrisy, “Maybe we were a little loud, but so what? You bring home men all the time!”

“That’s not what I’m pissed about!” She says with a childish stomp of her foot, “Are you kidding me right now, ___?!”

“Lei, I really have no idea what you’re trying to say!” you exclaim, frustrated by this situation. Why is she acting up like this when you’re already feeling so miserable?

“You can’t possibly be this dense!” she practically shrieks at you, making you heat with anger, “I don’t care if you hook up with random guys! I care if it’s Kim Seokjin!”

“Why?” You yell back, “What’s so different about that asshole?!”

“What’s so different?” Lei repeats, dumbfounded, “Are you fucking—he’s different because I liked him!”

It takes a few seconds for you to process her unexpected confession. You open your mouth, as though to reply, but your words fail you. Instead you’re left gaping at her like a fish out of water as you try to wrap your mind around this. “Wh-what?” you finally croak out, “Lei, what are you even saying?”

“Don’t even try to play dumb,” she huffs, “I know how close you are to Seokjin. I bet he told you fucking everything! That lying bastard… Can you believe he rejected me by saying that he didn’t want to ruin our friendship, but then he goes and screws around with you just a year later?!”

You’re still reeling. “Hold on,” you say as you dig your fingers into your suddenly aching temples, “I need a moment to process this…”

But Lei ignores you to continue ranting, “Seokjin is an asshole, and we all know this. I’m not surprised. And I don’t care if you’re dating now. That’s fine. I don’t even care that you guys show your sickening PDA in front of me… But to fuck the guy who you knew I liked so noisily when you knew I was home?! Now that’s actually messed up, ___.”

You wince at the accusation, “It’s not like that, Lei. I seriously didn’t know!”

Your roommate sniffs loudly, “Yeah right, bitch. I hope that you’re pleased with yourself,” and with that, she turns dramatically on her heel to march out of the apartment.

“Wait, where are you going?!” You anxiously call after her.

“To fuck Jung Hoseok!” She informs you with a perfect flick of her long curls over a shoulder.

You flinch in shock, “Wait, you’ve fucked him too?”

“I guess he got tired of waiting for you,” she snickers before she slams the door shut.

You stare at the front door for a few seconds, contemplating your next course of action. What you really want to do is chase after your roommate and clarify this huge misunderstanding with her, but it’s clear that she won’t be receptive to anything you’re saying right now. So you decide to put that problem on the backburner. But for the meantime…

Your expression darkens as you pull out your phone to scroll to Jin’s contact. Done with being sad, your tears have all dried up and now you’re just pissed. Time to get some answers from this shady fuckboi.

*********************************************************************************

“Oh,” Jin’s eyes widen at the sight of you on his front door step less than half an hour later, “___... when you said that we needed to talk over the phone earlier, I didn’t realize that you meant in person… and right now.”

“Why? Is not a bad time?”

He shakes his head and moves out of the way, “No, please come in.”

You remove your shoes at the entrance before slowly walking across the vast apartment and taking a careful seat on his expensive leather couch. He lives by himself in a luxury apartment tower in the heart of the city. This is what happens when you don’t make the poor decision of entering a six-year doctoral program and living in near-poverty conditions until you’re thirty. Must be nice…

“How did you even get in here?” Jin asks as he pops open two beers from the fridge and hands you one.

You gratefully accept the icy beverage, “The security guard let me in.”

“What? Why?!”

You shrug as you take a sip, “I dunno. He seems to think that I live with you.”

“Oh… That’s weird.”

“Yeah…”

Things between the two of you are still awkward from the events of last night. All you can think about when you look at him is how good he looked in your bed, drenched in sweat and swollen red lips parted in pleasure. But the heat rising in your blood quickly chills over when you remember the way he had rejected you and crushed your ego mere moments afterwards.

“I had a really interesting discussion with Lei earlier today,” you say as you take another cautious sip of your beer.

“Oh?” His eyebrows raise in surprise, “About what?”

“About something that transpired between the two of you last year…”

“Oh…?” He folds his hands awkwardly in his lap, and it might just be your imagination, but does he suddenly look nervous?

You twist in your seat to face him, “Jin… why didn’t you tell me that Lei asked you out?”

His face blanches at the accusation and it seems like he wants to deny it at first, but thinks better of it, “I… I just… I mean, I didn’t see the importance of bringing up something like that…”

“How is it not important?” You snap back, temper rising, “Lei is my roommate. And you’re supposed to be my best friend! How could you have kept such a thing from me?”

He shrugs and drops his gaze to his lap, clearly abashed, “I dunno… It just wasn’t a big deal…”

“Of course it’s a big deal!” You practically yell at him, horrified by his heartlessness, “And to fool around with me in front of her when you knew she liked you?! How could you have done such a thing?!”

His ears are flushed pink at this point, “You’re right. I’m an asshole. I deserve this…”

But his apology still doesn’t explain shit. “You’re not normally like this!” You exclaim in frustration, “Why are you acting all shady and weird?! This isn’t like you!”

He shrugs again, unable to make eye contact at this point even if he wanted to. His broad form is shriveled up with shame, making him look like a little boy caught stealing. “I don’t know…”

That answer isn’t good enough, “Cut the bullshit, Kim Seokjin!” you growl at him, “And just tell me, once and for all: Why didn’t you tell me about Lei?!”

He chews his plush bottom lip for a few seconds as he mulls over his answer, “Because I didn’t want to,” he finally admits.

You’re practically tearing out your hair at this point, “And why’s that?!”

“I just didn’t want to!”

“Why the fuck not?!”

“Because I was afraid that you would never date me if you knew!”

The confession hits you like a slap of icy water in the face. It’s so unexpected, so completely disorienting that you can’t even wrap your mind around it. For a moment, you fear that you’ve misunderstood, “…What did you say?”

Jin’s entire face is as red as a tomato with embarrassment, but with enormous courage, he forces himself to venture on, “You’re a loyal person, ___,” he says in a small voice, “I’ve known you for five years now, and I know that you value your friendships above all else… Chicks over dicks, right?” he says with a humorless chuckle, “I knew that if you ever found out about Lei having feelings for me, that I’d be off-limits. And then I’d never have a chance with you!”

Oh god… What is he even saying right now? Could the great Kim Seokjin, the ultimate playboy with girls throwing themselves at his feet, begging for a chance, actually have feelings for you…? This can’t be real. “Jin…” you whisper his name, “Do you… do you like me?”

He winces at your question and buries his burning hot face in his hands, unable to respond except for a stiff nod of his head, “More than that…” he finally manages to choke out.

Your world spins dizzily around you, and you’re grateful that you’re sitting, otherwise you might have fallen over with the way your knees suddenly weaken to mush. “B-but… but why haven’t you ever said anything to me?” You croak, trying to process this bewildering situation, but it still feels like you’re in a dream.

“And get my heart broken?” he snorts, derisive, “No thank you.”

“How are you so positive that I’d reject you?” You ask, looking up at him in confusion.

“Are you serious, ___?” he says in astonishment, “You’re the one who tells me every day how you’re not attracted to me. And that you only see me as a friend.”

You flush at the accuracy of his words, “Yes, but that’s because you’re a fuckboy! All you do is hookup, and you don’t care for relationships.”

“Maybe that’s because I’ve been waiting for the right one.”

That statement takes your breath away, “But… b-but,” you stammer, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Why does it matter?” he bitterly counters, “You never reciprocated my feelings, and I’m not good enough for you, so why bother?”

“What?!” you explode at that. You’ve never heard anything so untrue. “What the hell are you talking about?! No one said that!”

“You have!”

Your face scrunches into a deep scowl, “What the fuck? No way! I would never say something like that!”

“Are you kidding me?! ___, you literally just said this to my face last night!”

“I did not! Do you have listening comprehension problems or something? Because there’s no way I would ever—”

“ ‘I deserve better’,” He spits out, quoting you word-for-word, “I get it… And I agree, okay? You do deserve someone better than me. But saying that to me like ten minutes after my dream of getting to touch you finally came true… That was too cruel, ___. Even you have to admit that.”

You’re so taken aback by his rant that you can’t even speak for the next few seconds. All this time… through the past five years of friendship and secret longing… this was all due to a simple misunderstanding? For a frightening moment, you fear that you might cry.

“Jin,” you whisper in a strained tone when you finally find your voice again. He peeks up at you in curiosity. You take a deep breath to stay calm, then firmly place both hands on his shoulders, forcing him to look you straight in the eyes. You won’t tolerate any misunderstandings this time. “Jin,” you say his name again, your voice clear and firm this time.

“Yes?” He says, looking up with a glint of hope shining in his eyes.

You squeeze his shoulders, and without breaking eye contact you say in the most serious tone you can muster, “You are the dumbest motherfucker I have ever met.”

His face crumples at once, “What?!”

You ignore his offended expression and tighten your grip in his broad shoulders, “You have no language comprehension skills whatsoever, and I fear that you might be illiterate,” you inform him with a straight face.

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” Jin exclaims, bewildered by your unexpected attack, but offended nonetheless, “I’m smarter than you, at least!”

You shake your head while kindly reaching a hand up to stroke his handsome face, “God must have invested all his time in your face, and forgotten about your brain, you dumb son of a bitch.”

He sits up with indignation, “Look at who can’t even write a simple line of code! I do all your homework for you, you idiot! How dare you call me stupid when you couldn’t survive grad school without my help?! If I’m illiterate, then you’re—”

You cut him off with a rough kiss that momentarily takes his breath away.

Instantly, the anger slides off his face, replaced with something much softer. Jin slowly runs his tongue over his lips and looks up at you with dreamy, half-lidded eyes, “It’s not fair for you to kiss me like that when you want me to shut up… Especially when you know how I feel about you.”

You playfully flick his nose in response, “It’s not my fault that you’re too dumb to realize that I’ve been in love with you since our second year of uni.”

His subsequent reaction is so hilarious that you wished you thought to capture it on film. With his doe eyes bulging, jaw dropping, eyebrows shooting into his hairline, Jin looks like a clown or some kind of slapstick comedian and you can’t help but giggle at his reaction, “You’re so silly.”

That snaps him out of it, “Why am I the one who gets all the blame?!” He exclaims in indignation, “You’re just as dumb as me, if not more! Why would you insist that you weren’t attracted to me?! What did you expect?! For me to try to make a move, thinking that you would never reciprocate? If I’m dumb, then you literally have an IQ of fifty!”

“How am I dumber than you?” you gasp, “You can’t understand spoken language!”

“Yeah? Well you can’t talk!” he shoots back, “ ‘I deserve better.’ How did you expect someone to interpret such a vague statement?! How can you criticize someone for misunderstanding when you can’t even speak properly?!”

His neck is turning red with anger, the veins bulging and his eyes as wide as a frog’s. You open your mouth to berate him, but instead burst into laughter, “Oh my god,” you choke out between semi-hysterical sobs, “How am I in love with such a crazy madman?!”

He pauses at that, “Wait… you’re in love with me?”

“Yeah, dumbass. If you didn’t have the language comprehension skills of a seven-year-old, you’d realize that when I said ‘I deserve better,’ I meant that I wanted to mean more to you than just a hookup…”

He falls silent at that, mouth forming a perfect “O” of realization. “…That does make a lot more sense…”

“Yup…” And with that, you pull out your phone to rapidly type out a text message.

Jin looks at you with a pout, “Wow, you confessed your feelings not even a minute ago and you’re already on your phone! Is this what our future relationship will look like?!”

You glance up from your phone to shoot him a wry grin, “Calm down, you needy child. I’m just texting my friend who recently got licensed as a neuropsychologist. We’re getting tested for our first date,” you say as you affectionately ruffle his black bangs.

Jin’s eyebrows shoot up with surprise, “Why? You know we’re both clean—we literally had sex yesterday!”

“We’re not getting tested for that,” you chuckle, “I’m setting up an intelligence assessment… So I can prove that my IQ is higher than yours, once and for all!”

His jaw drops at that unexpected turn of things, “You’re insane!”

“Am I?” you shoot back, “Or are you just chicken?”

He shakes his head with reluctant amusement, “Fine. Let’s do this. But how are you going to explain to our future children that you brought their father to take a fucking IQ test to prove a point for their first date…? Whatever,” he says with a scoff, “Please hand me that dictionary on the coffee table.”

“…Future children?” you numbly repeat, even as you follow his instructions. Then you quickly snap yourself out of it, “Wait, what are you doing with that dictionary?”

“Studying up,” is his curt reply, “I have to beat you at the test to prove to you how dumb you really are.”

Gasping with indignation, you quickly drape yourself over his shoulders to ogle at the small print of the book in his hands, “You’re on, asshole!” And with that, you reach over him to rapidly flip through the dictionary, trying to disorient him while soaking in as much information as possible.

This whole situation is ridiculous. It’s unbelievably childish and you should be ashamed of this type of behavior at your age… Yet, when Jin briefly turns his head to press a kiss against your cheek before evilly blocking your view of the dictionary, you can’t help but smile. Because as immature and absurd as this situation may be, for some crazy reason it feels right.

“You’re also going to write Lei a heartfelt apology letter for your behavior,” you say with a little nip at his ear.

He stiffens at the reminder, his neck flushing with embarrassment, “Yes, of course. I’ll go and do it right now.”

But you stop him with a hand on his thigh, “It can wait until the morning,” you inform him, “But for now…” you rub your palm over the bulge forming down his left pant leg. “I promise I’ll be patient this time.”

Jin’s eyes are heavily dilated when he twists around on the couch to look at you, “You better,” he says in a quiet, rumbling voice, “Because this time, I intend on enjoying you.”

Your pulse quickens and liquid heat fills the pit of your stomach. Because for some reason, his words sound like a warning… “Yes, please,” you say in a hushed whisper, eyes as round as saucers.

“And this time, you wouldn’t dare accuse me of not reciprocating,” he murmurs, hot breath fanning across your face, “I’m going to eat you out until you fucking beg me to stop.”

“Oh God,” you croak, arousal dampening your underwear at the very thought.

“No,” he smirks, “Just call me ‘Jin’.”

There’s a brief moment of silence as you slowly process his lame joke. Then—“Oh my god, Jin!” You groan as you shove his face away from yours, “Way to ruin the mood, dumbass!”

“Wait, what? No! Come on, ___, you know that was hot!” he says, lowkey panicking as he tries to reach for him again.

You simply sigh as you situate yourself on the couch with your legs spread, “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Just start eating me out so I don’t have to listen to your dumb dad jokes any longer.”

“Yah! How dare you?! I’ll have you know that hundreds—no, thousands of girls would have killed to—”

“Shut up and get to work,” you bark with a rough tug of his hair.

Chastened, he instantly drops to his knees, “…Yes ma’am!”

*********************************************************************************

Author’s Note: Please don’t ask me about any sequels or updates! This is solely a one-shot and will not be continued :) But I’d love any feedback! 

[silkkpopbonnet]

Teenager

After a horrible divorce Jaebum is left as a single father, life has taken its toll on him and sometimes he just wants to feel like young again. Love is hard to find, and when he does find it will it make him feel like a teenager again?

Jaebum looked down at his daughter’s soft curls and sighed. At 1.5 she was a picky little thing, and she was finally asleep after three books, something that his wife was supposed to be doing tonight. Not that he really cared, he felt like he was getting too old to be going out with the rest of the guys anyway. He was a married man with a daughter now. However; he kissed her little brown face and turned on her unicorn night light as he left the door cracked.

Taking his cell phone out of his pocket, Jaebum texted his wife.

                                Where are you?

It took a minute for her to respond, and he almost hit the call button before she answered.

   Working. I told you, another late night, please don’t be all behind me like that you know I hate that.

He knew she did, but Jesus another night? He groaned, sitting on the couch.

   I was supposed to meet the guys tonight. Are you gonna be another hour or?

He could tell she was probably angry by the way the little bubbles disappeared then reappeared. Finally a nice, lengthy, and very annoyed text came back.

 OMG, JB you saw them last week. I thought you liked being a daddy so much? You know how vital this promotion is to me. Just invite them over or something, I don’t care. Please let me get this done, I don’t want to have to worry about you and your hurt feelings.

Rude much? He read her text twice, deleting and writing again before deciding to just ignore her. She wanted space then fine.

                            Fine.

He smiled. Let her stew over that. Or not, she’d probably ignore him. It was like that a lot lately. Well, ever since she finished her masters and started working for that corporation she’d been so busy. She didn’t want to have kids, didn’t want any pets. Just him and her. Instead of him waiting around for her. He hated it, she used to be so carefree, she used to hug him more. They had sex more too now that he really thought about it.

He met Nia at a JYP party 6 years ago. He had stared at her practically all night before BamBam realized he knew the woman she was with. He had introduced them, and Jaebum was trying not to fall in love.

She was tall, maybe an inch shorter than him. Brown skin that glowed in the light, smooth like butter. Everything about her was perfect, from her ample bottom on those long legs, to the way she smiled at him with those full lips. She introduced herself confidently in Korean, her accent was adorable, and he was stumbling over his words. Their love was a whirlwind, they got married a year and a half later.

What happened?

Trying to push the memories away, he called Jinyoung to find out where everyone was. He could hear the rest of the guys with him.

“Hey, I can’t go out. Nia is still at work, and I don’t have a sitter. You guys want to come over?” He asked Jinyoung, as he looked through the cabinet for snacks.

Jinyoung groaned. “What? We planned this last week!”

Jaebum listened as Jinyoung explained what was going on to everyone else. Youngjae and Mark agreed to go to his house. BamBam and Yugyeom were upset.

“Tell them I’m sorry, I don’t have a sitter.” Jaebum remembered BamBam was there and quickly added, “And no, not some young girl BamBam knows, someone I trust.”

He heard a groan and then more talking. He knew they wanted to drink and dance. It was just getting so hard to coordinate with Nia now.

“It’s ok Jinyoung, tell them maybe next week-”

“No, hyung. We are coming over, we’ll bring drinks is that ok?”

Smiling, JB pulled the chips and cookies out he had. “Yea, please do.”

“See you in 20.”

Hanging up the phone, Jaebum looked down to see another text from Nia.

 It’s going to be like this all week, so don’t wait up for me.

So no time for just them, no time to hang out with his friends. He ran upstairs to make sure Areum was still asleep. Thumb in her mouth she was sound asleep, and he walked back downstairs wondering when his family, would indeed be a family again.

“Nia, don’t walk away when I’m talking to you. You scared Areum, what the fuck is wrong with you, it’s just milk!” Jaebum was chasing after his wife up the stairs to their bedroom.

“It’s not just the milk!” Slamming the bathroom door closed, he could hear her curse behind the door. “Fuck!”

Dinner was going fine, Nia had laughed at something he said, she was even home early. He had just refilled Areum’s cup when the baby had knocked it over onto the floor. Nia flew off the handle, causing Areum to cry for Jaebum. She was so tense, everything was unraveling at the seams.

“Nia, listen. Calm down, then come downstairs and let’s finish dinner. Maybe..” He got close to the door, placing a hand on the wooden surface. “Maybe, when Areum goes to bed we can talk. We haven’t talked in a while, I’ll rub your feet?” Feeling confident, he tried the doorknob only to find it locked.

“No.” The only answer he received.

Knocking on the door, he responded. “No, to what exactly?”  

As the door opened, Nia pushed past him and went into the closet. “No to all of it. No, to you touching me, being near me, no to her being near me. I just can’t deal with all this and you guys. I just need to leave.”

His mouth went dry, hands shaking slightly. For some reason, there was a strange ringing in his ears, and as Jaebum shook his head, he moved his tongue around in his mouth although it felt like lead.

“Being near me? Being near Areum?” He moved his feet slowly across the floor, to the closet where Nia was on her knees packing a suitcase.

“Yes.” She stopped long enough to look up at him. Her face devoid of emotion, no tears, no hesitation as she spoke her next words. “I don’t want to be here anymore Jaebum. I can’t, it’s bad enough you made me have a baby, this makes it harder.”

He knew he was breathing harder and faster than average. Jaebum knew he shouldn’t be as angry as he was and perhaps he should calm down, go downstairs and check on Areum. He should ignore what she said and just let her cool down. Instead, he allowed his emotions take control.

“What the fuck did you just say to me?” Slamming the door open to the closet. “Repeat what you said, real slow too and in English this time so I know you’re serious.”

She chuckled, standing up to straighten her suitcase. “We’ve been together four years, nearly five and you still have a hard time understanding English, don’t get cute.”

Gritting his teeth, he laughed to keep from cursing. “Wow. Ok, I’m pissed. Just to let you know and I’m trying to…what is wrong with you?”

“Everything!” She screamed. “I was doing great, I was doing fine, and then you came along and just…I was fine with that. I had things I wanted to do with my life Jaebum. It was my life, and I didn’t have to worry about anyone else. Then you just had to have a baby.”

“Her name is Areum! Areum Im! She’s our daughter for fuck’s sake Nia, I made you have her? If you didn’t want to get pregnant then maybe you should have stayed off my dick!” He didn’t want to cry, he didn’t want her to see his tears. The child who sat downstairs listening to her parents yell and scream was flooding through his mind.

“Like you weren’t begging me?” Nia watched him walk out the room, chasing him. “Oh, so now you don’t want to have the conversation? Really? You begged me, you practically cried to have her. Now she’s here, and all I can think about is everything I can’t do.”

As Jaebum hit the bottom step, he looked into the dining room to see Areum smashing her rice around, kimchi on her head. He smiled to keep from screaming. He smiled at Areum to keep from turning around and crying in Nia’s face. Ignoring his wife, he walked over to his daughter and scooped the food off her head.

“Hey you, let’s have a bath.” Lifting the baby from the high chair.

Areum smiled at him, his eyes and mouth on her mother’s face. “Apa.”

Nia was standing there as he faced her. “So, that’s it? You’re done? I have what I want, and you still don’t have everything you need Nia? We are your family, I made a pledge to love and respect you, but I’m having a hard time even looking at you right now.”

She waved a hand at him dismissively. “In some way, you feel the same. How many years has it been since Got7 has done something? Damn, even EXO vocal line had a Christmas album.”

“Got7 will always be there! I have my fans sure, but my family is something different! I’d give up everything for Areum if I had to.” He scoffed. “Now I know you wouldn’t even think about doing that.”

Walking past her, Areum placed her face in the crook of Jaebum’s neck. The feeling of her fingers holding onto him softened him. Made him calm down a little, even if he had no one else, she was with him, and he’d always have her. He wouldn’t let Nia have her, though it was clear she didn’t want to have anything to do with the baby.

As he made it to the stairs, Nia spoke. “I’ll be back for the rest of my stuff in the morning. I’ll get you divorce papers by next Monday.”

                                                    3 Years Later

“Areum! Your toys are everywhere why?” Jaebum looked at his foot and the Monster High doll currently missing an arm.

Areum sprinted around the corner, smiling as she picked up her doll, popping its arm back on. “Apa, you broke it.”

“You fixed her, maybe don’t keep your stuff on the ground and that won’t happen.” He shook his head and pointed to the rest of the things scattered around the living room. “Uncle Jinyoung is coming today, clean up.”

“He’s grumpy. I like Uncle Jackson better.” Areum pursed her lips as she made the dolls legs march along the couch, ignoring her father’s orders to clean up.

Jaebum chuckled. “Don’t tell him that, he thinks he’s your favorite.” Picking up the toys himself, he began tossing them into a chest.

Areum turned towards her father, a bright smile on her face. “I tell all my uncles they are my favorite, then they buy me toys.”

Jaebum laughed out loud, as she picked up the remaining few toys. “You’re a scammer.”

“BamBam said sometimes you have to please people a little then they do what you want. He said that’s how he gets the ladies.” Areum shook her head matter of factly before grabbing the remote, sitting on the couch.

Jaebum nearly hit his head on a cabinet as he looked at his daughter. “I’m going to talk to BamBam.”

“He also said never trust a big butt and a smile.” Areum laughed. “Big butt.”

“Areum!” Jaebum had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling. “That’s not nice for children to say. Don’t let me hear that again.”

The four and a half-year-old scrunched up her nose. “Fine…BamBam getting me in trouble.”

Scoffing, Jaebum shook his head and prepared himself some coffee. He knew everyone would probably be stopping by today. It had been 3 years since Nia had left and he was a single father. Nia hardly called, though she always sent a present on Areum’s birthday, Children’s Day, Easter and Christmas. Nia never had much to say to Jaebum, and somehow he knew it was for the best. The words she said, they still hurt his heart when he looked at his daughter.

Areum was a beautiful girl. Coily, dark hair that she liked to keep in a top knot on her head. She had so much hair now, it was more like a small bowling ball on her head. It had taken him a minute to do her hair correctly, but with the help of youtube and Youngjae’s girlfriend, he had it now.

She had his eyes and mouth, the rest of her face was Nia. Skin complexion in between theirs, she was sassy and sweet. She had a mean streak that Jaebum could thank Jinyoung for but; she was as kind and caring as Youngjae. Jaebum sipped his coffee as he watched Areum sing along to her cartoons. She was a good baby too, as soon as Nia could she went back to work and left him with an infant.

It took Mark holding Areum on his chest and talking to her in his deep voice, and that got her to sleep. As she got older, fooling around with BamBam and Yugyeom was her favorite. Now, after trading scowls with Jinyoung, Jaebum followed the two as they went to the store or mall and listened as they gossipped about the people around them.

He had a good life, it was peaceful. Jaebum and Areum. Although singing and producing tracks was still his passion, he had a daughter to fit into that schedule now, and he made it work. He took Areum to the studio, he made a place for her there and let her do what she wanted. He took her to meet clients, and she even put in her influence on some of the things he was working on. Right, he didn’t go out as much as he used to, and yea Jaebum had no interest in any woman, but…he was a father. That was his priority. Priorities, you had to have them straight, and he’d be damned if he was like Nia.

It still rocked his mind how she left like that. Just up and went, like she was never here. He remembered how he watched her gather her things the next day. She never looked at him, didn’t even kiss Areum goodbye. He cried that night like he never had before, a strong in your chest, a snotty cry that gave him a headache.

He thought she loved him. He had thought that she was just going through some stress and she’d come back and love him like she did before. She didn’t though and still hurt. A raw feeling in his body whenever he opened his nightstand and pulled out her picture. He spent a lot of time listening to Sza and Frank Ocean then. Spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to make her love him, sending texts that were never answered, calling her and only getting voicemail.

He had hoped that who she was when they met was who she always going to be because he was happy then. Maybe he was too blind to see that she was unhappy and using him as a band-aid for something that was too deep inside her to be fixed.

“Apa!!!!!!” Areum screamed his name, and Jaebum jumped up looking at her.

“Yes?” His heart was beating fast in panic as he realized he had drifted off in thought.

“Uncle Jinyoung is at the door, he’s been ringing the bell, can’t you hear?” She continued to jump around, listening to an old Twice song.

“Yea baby.” Getting up, he walked to the front door.

“About damn time.” Jinyoung moved past him, shaking the snow that lingered on his coat. “It’s cold in your hall, building manager needs to turn the heat on.”

Jaebum rolled his eyes. “It’s a building thing, the halls remain a good 55 for some reason.”

“Well, it’s dumb. How you feeling?” Jinyoung handed him a small bag, moving a package around in his arms.

Jaebum gave his friend a small smile. “I’m fine. Mark called me this morning, you guys really have to stop this.”

“Checking on you?” Jinyoung removed his shoes and walked down the hall behind Jaebum. “You know we won’t, you’re still hurting. Anyone can see that. She fucked you up bad, which is why I’m here to tell you we are going out tonight.”

Jaebum turned around, holding out a hand to stop Jinyoung. “Whose idea is this?”

Jinyoung sighed, his shoulders slumping. “Youngjae, now can I see my niece?”

“No.” Jaebum stopped him again as Jinyoung tried to side-step him. “Who?”

Trying to keep his voice quiet Jinyoung scowled. “All of us! We all think it’s good for you Bummie. Look at yourself!” Scoffing, Jinyoung pushed Jaebum to one side and smiled at Areum. “Who’s my girl?”

“I am!” Areum ran to Jinyoung, hugging his legs as he leaned down to kiss her head. “Is this a present for me? It’s not Christmas yet!”

“No, but I love you, so I bought you something.” Handing her the purple foil wrapped box, Jinyoung patted the couch next to him. “Open it.”

As Areum opened the gift, Jinyoung turned to Jaebum. “Make me some coffee hyung? Then we can talk.”

The two laughed and talked for a bit, Jinyoung asking Areum why she chose to pair her plaid leggings with that checkered top. When the girl answered couture Jinyoung, was taken aback.

“Ok, fine. I just don’t think the pattern goes well together.” He stood up, crossing his arms over his chest.

Areum sat her new doll to one side, to pick up the little doctors kit it came with. She side eyed Jinyoung as she answered. “What you think and know are two different things.”

“Well excuse me!” Jinyoung answered her with a loud laugh. As he walked over to Jaebum, he sat down, sliding his coffee mug over towards him. “Seriously, when she’s old enough I’m gonna fight your kid.”

Shaking his head, Jaebum smiled. “You taught her.”

“Don’t remind me.” Sipping his coffee, Jinyoung knew how the conversation was gonna go. “You aren’t yourself, and you haven’t been since she left. If you want me to be honest, and yes I am, when she got pregnant with Areum.”

Jaebum didn’t want to have this conversation, Mark had tried to, and he had ended up making their quietest member yell at him. “Jinyoung…I don’t want to.”

Gritting his teeth, Jinyoung continued. “I don’t care. Someone is going, to be honest with you and why not the person you’ve known the longest?”

“That’s not the point.” It was a sensitive subject, is what Jaebum wanted to say, but he didn’t want anyone to see him break down over Nia. See him as less of a man if he cried.

“Jaebum.” Dropping honorifics, Jinyoung tapped on Jaebum’s hand to get his attention. “She never really loved you, not how you loved her. Ok, that’s over, Nia is gone. She won’t apologize, she’s too haughty for that. She is not coming back, and you need to move on.”

Clenching his fists, Jaebum turned from his best friend. “Shut up.”

“Get rude, do what you have to, but it’s the truth. You’re a shell of who you were.” Finishing his coffee, Jinyoung continued. “Stop this. You’re coming out with us tonight, you’re going to have a good time, and eventually, someone will love you and Areum like you need to be. Until then, at least try…”

“Try to do what!” Struggling to keep his voice down, Jaebum picked up Jinyoung’s cup to fill it. He needed to move, he needed to walk around and hopefully, the distraction would cause Jinyoung to stop talking. To stop poking at the fresh wound that was still in his heart. “You guys say, move on. You say get dressed, let’s go out but I can’t. I loved her, does no one understand that? I loved her with everything I had. I made it work, culture differences and..” Jaebum ran his hands through his thick, midnight dyed hair.

Getting up, Jinyoung watched as his leader slumped over on the counter. He listened as Jaebum tried to calm his breathing and choke back on the tears that Jinyoung knew he was trying to keep at bay. “We know. I know. More than anyone, I know how you felt about her. That doesn’t change anything.”

“Maybe…if I give her more time.” Sitting up Jaebum wiped at the corners of his eyes.

“No. Nia doesn’t need any, because…I’m not going into this.” Looking into Jaebum’s eyes, Jinyoung pointed at Areum. “Do it for her. Don’t you think that Areum knows? She knows she has an absent mother, you know what she told Youngjae last week? She said she heard you crying in the bathroom, and Areum wondered if she had a mommy to love you, would you stop crying at night?”

Jaebum looked over at his daughter. He thought she was asleep, how much did she know? Touching at the stubble on his face, he looked at Jinyoung. “What else did she say?”

“Nothing. Please, just go out. Do something…” Jinyoung knew Jaebum wasn’t big on hugs, but he knew pain. He had experienced his own heartbreak. He knew how it felt to have loved, and watch it leave you. Breaking the unspoken rule, he pulled Jaebum into a hug. “We miss you, we miss the fun Jaebum, we missed when you were free.”

He knew it was time. Wrapping his arms around his friend, Jaebum squeezed him back. Nia wasn’t going to come back, and nothing was the same. He had built a wall around his heart and just threw himself into work and Areum.

“Fine. I’ll call the sitter.”

That night Jaebum looked at himself in the mirror as he fixed the collar on his black button-up.

“You look handsome Apa.” Areum stepped into the room wearing her unicorn pajamas.

“Thank you, baby, do me a favor tonight?” Jaebum turned towards her, as he walked into the bathroom to spray on cologne.

“Don’t call you while I’m hiding from the babysitter?” Areum’s grin was downright devilish.

“That.” Jaebum rubbed some lotion on his hands. “I need you to be a good girl, and sleep, when you wake up in the morning, I’ll be here.”

“Of course you will, you don’t pick up ladies like Yugy.” Areum smiled as Jaebum stared at her in the mirror.

“What?” He knew he heard her, but he was making sure.

“BamBam said that Yugy does that, he changes women like he changes his underwear.” She giggled. “I change mine every day.”

“Areum.” JAebum let out a heavy sigh. “I’m going to kill BamBam.” Closing the bathroom door behind him, Jaebum sat on the edge of his bed and pulled his daughter close to him. “You hear me cry sometimes?”

Areum grew quiet, she snuggled into her father’s side and wrapped her arms around his waist. “Yes, I’m sorry I told.”

“No.” Jaebum hugged her back, he buried his nose in her coily hair and took a deep breath. “It’s fine, I won’t cry anymore either.”

“You can cry if you’re sad Apa, why don’t you tell mommy you’re sad?” Areum moved her face to look up at her father.

Jaebum swallowed hard. “Mommy doesn’t want to hear that. So, I don’t tell her because it won’t help.”

Areum stayed quiet for awhile, she seemed to be thinking, her almond-shaped eyes staring at her father. “Why did mommy leave?”

He knew it was going to come one day. He knew he’d have to prepare for it, but he wasn’t sure how exactly. One day maybe she would see the truth. “Mommy was overwhelmed with everything, mostly me. She was just unhappy, and she is happier by herself. I suppose some people are like that.”

“She was happier without us?” Not missing a beat, Areum waiting for an answer.

“Yes.” Jaebum choked on the lump in his throat.

“So now, you’ll have to find a new wife?” Areum lets go of her father, she hopped down from the bed and grabbed a tissue from his nightstand.

Dabbing at Jaebum’s eyes, he tried to smile as she mostly wiped his cheek. “I don’t have to.”

“Maybe you should, everyone needs someone to love. BamBam said that too.” She kissed her father’s cheek, patting it.

“At least in that aspect BamBam is right. Now come on, the sitter will be here soon, and it’s time for bed.”

It was louder than Jaebum remembered in this club. Darker and hotter as well. Beyonce’s formation was playing, and as soon as BamBam came through the door, he and Yugyeom hit the dance floor. Shaking his head, Youngjae wrapped his arm around his girlfriend and followed Mark as he leads them to a secluded table in VIP.

“You mix that negro with that Creole make a Texas bama!!!” Youngjae’s girlfriend, Ava cried out as she danced around Youngjae.

He smiled at her, holding her hand, before placing one hand on her waist as she began to dance on him. Jaebum raised an eyebrow at the couple, wondering when Youngjae came out of his shell as he watched them.

“I like Ava, she makes Youngjae smile,” Jackson commented as he slid next to Jaebum.

“She’s good for him,” Mark added, waving a waitress over.

They watched as Ava lead Youngjae to the dance floor, he was confidently holding his own. Watching as the music changed to something with more bass. Jaebum grinned as Ava bent over in front of Youngjae, bouncing her ass on him, with Youngjae moving his hips to the beat.

“So, as they make a baby on the floor, we can watch BamBam and Yugyeom move like sharks through the water as they find some women.” Mark chuckled, as he sat back and waited for Jackson to say something.

“Don’t be a hater, Mark,” Jackson added right on time. “They have game, you have none and sit there scowling like an old man.”

“I get girls, they just don’t get me.” Mark sat up as the waitress came back with drinks, taking his own.

“So says the man who hasn’t had a steady girlfriend in two years.” Jinyoung retorted.

Mark downed his shot, pouring another. “Like I said, I get girls, they don’t get me.”

“Alright, alright. Let’s just have fun.” Jaebum took a shot offered by Mark, and downed it, coughing after the burn. “Damn.”

“So then let’s dance, let’s mingle.” Jackson stood up, running his hands over his mesh shirt under his jacket. “I bought this shirt to show off for someone who might be special, not Y'all.”

Laughing, Jaebum took another shot. “I might need a few more drinks first.”

“Fine.” Jackson pointed at Mark. “Wingman?”

“Wingman.” Mark grasped Jaebum’s shoulder. “Loosen up and let me see you out there, it’s nice to see you relax finally.”

Nodding at him, Jaebum ordered more drinks and turned towards Jinyoung. “So, I’m here, happy now?”

“Not quite.” Jinyoung put his phone down and scanned the room, before looking back at Jaebum. “How would you feel about being set up on a date?”

Jaebum slid his hand down his face. “Please don’t tell me you invited someone here.”

“No. Sunday, you can meet her. She’s international since that seems to be your thing.” Jinyoung poured a shot of Souju and groaned.

“Depends on what you mean by that.” Jaebum eyed, Jinyoung as he drank as well.

“She’s an American.” Jinyoung watched as a pair of women walked by the table, one plainly eyeing him.

“That tells me nothing.” Ignoring the woman’s friend who was looking at him, Jaebum continued to drink.

“You’ll see, that’s why I like America. I say American, and you don’t know who to think. I say China, and you know. I say Japan, and you know.”

“Is it code word for she’s black? I don’t like someone based on color, Nia was a black woman, yes, but that’s not why I liked her.” Jaebum felt himself getting irritated if that was the case.

“Calm down. No. I just meant you like international women. Nothing else, Jesus, calm down.” Jinyoung passed him a bottle of water. “Drink this, you’ve had 6 shots in 10 minutes.”

“I’m fine.” Jaebum pushed the bottle away. “I’m having fun remember?”

“It won’t be fun tomorrow.” Standing up Jinyoung finished one more shot. “Let’s go see what the others are doing.”

As they moved through the crowd, they watched as Youngjae and Ava made their way back to the table. BamBam was currently whispering something in a woman’s ear that made her smile. Yugyeom was holding a woman close to him on the dance floor. His hand on the small of her back as he pressed her body into his. Mark and Jackson were standing off to one side, laughing with a small group of men and women. Jaebum looked around at the people passing him and near him. It seemed like everyone was so young, but then again he couldn’t talk much. Mark was older than he was.

An old EXO song was playing now, one that he liked and as he bobbed his head to the music, he looked to the right. Either he was drunk, or something was messing with his head because the crowd seemed to part a little at just the right moment. Through the light smoke haze, he saw her. Standing there, with a smile on her face as she danced in the little group with her friends. A fitted black dress on that accentuated all the right places, her heels the brightest things she had on. Their electric blue color, making his eyes strain.

She was just there, and there was nothing else. The sounds became muffled, and everything seemed to slow down. Jaebum was never one for love, at first sight, lust yea sure but come on. No one was that…gorgeous. No one could be that perfect and not realize the effect she had on everyone in the room. Was she looking at him, her lip curled up into a smile, as she put her hands up and continued to sway.

The crowd milled around, and then she was gone. Jaebum panicked, trying to look over peoples head as he made his way over to her. She had left that area, and he turned around scanning the crowd, he just wanted to look at her up close, maybe know her name. Something, anything. Spotting Jinyoung, he made his way over to him.

“Did you see..”

“How could I not? You were practically drooling, you stood there so long you probably creeped her out.” Grabbing Jaebum’s shoulders, Jinyoung turned him towards the bar. “That way.”

Then she was back in his vision, drink in her hand as she stuck her tongue out and laughed. “Maybe I shouldn’t.” Confidence lacking, now as he took a step back. Jaebum looked back at Jinyoung, who shook his head.

“Go, or I’ll go over there and embarrass you.” Giving Jaebum an easy push, Jinyoung walked away from him to make his way back to the table.

It was simple right? He was so out of practice. Just go over there, say hello, introduce himself and ask her if she wanted to dance. Maybe buy her another drink since was almost done with the one in her hand. His heart was in his throat, as he finally neared the bar. Enough that she looked up at him, she grinned and turned back to her friend as Jaebum finally stood in front of her.

They stared at each other for a while, before she shifted uncomfortably on her feet. “If you stare any longer, I’m going to have to charge you.”

“I’ll pay.” Jaebum smiled, holding out his hand to her. “Jaebum, and you are?”

She slid her hand into his, and he gripped it tight pulling her closer so he could kiss her knuckles. She smiled wide, her friends ohh’ing as Jaebum let her hand go. “Amina.”

He listened to the deep cadence of her voice, slightly raspy, he liked it. “Amina, do you want to dance?”

“She does.” One of her friends taking her empty glass as Jaebum took her hand once more leading her out to the dance floor.

Amina said nothing, merely smiling as Jaebum pulled her close to him, My Type by iKON began to play. He turned her around, so her back was to his chest. “How are you doing tonight?”

Amina laughed. “That’s the conversation we’re going to have now?”

Jaebum turned her around, one hand on her back, the other holding her hand tight in his. “Can’t I ask how you’re doing? Isn’t that the polite thing to do?”

“Yea, I’m fine, and you?” Amina lets go of his hand to dance in front of him by herself.

“Doing better, I wasn’t sure about this place at first, but I think I’m warming up to the idea.” He came closer to her, placing his hands on her waist doing a slow grind behind her.

“Why is that? I’ve been here a few times the music mix is always good.” She pressed her body closer to his, lifting her arm, so it was behind his neck.

“Didn’t see anyone that caught my eye, friends dragged me out here, but now I see you so…” He let his words linger, definitely realizing that alcohol was making him more confident that what he really was.

Amina laughed, letting go of him so she could wrap her arms around his neck as the song transitioned. “Aren’t you smooth?”

“It’s the soju.” Jaebum grinned and leaned down so that he could rub his lips along her jaw. “You want to go sit down and talk?”

Nodding her head, she let him take the lead, going back to the table where Mark and Jinyoung sat looking at something on Mark’s phone. The looks of surprise on their faces went away quickly as Jaebum motioned them not to say anything.

“Hello.” Amina waved at the two, reaching out her hand. “I’m Amina.”

“Mark.” The first to take her hand, he smiled at her and nodded his head at Jaebum.

Jinyoung raised an eyebrow as he took her hand. “Jinyoung, do you guys want to be alone?”

“No, it’s-”

“Yes.” Jaebum cut her off. “If you don’t mind.”

Amina shook her head. “Y’all can stay, if Jaebum wanted to talk to me alone, he could ask me on a real date.” She looked pointedly back at Jaebum, crossing her legs under the table.

“How do you know I wasn’t going to?” Jaebum asked, and Jinyoung nudged Mark as he watched the exchange.

Licking her lips slowly, Amina grinned at him. “I figure you’d have brought that up already.”

“So, Amina where are you from?” Mark interrupted as he looked at her.

“San Francisco.” She answered, sliding closer to Jaebum.

Sitting up a little, Mark answered. “Oh, that’s whats up. I’m from LA. What brings you to Seoul?”

“Shouldn’t Jaebum be asking her these questions?” Jinyoung pushed a drink in front of Mark. “Show me that girl again.”

Amina laughed and turned back to Jaebum. “So, are you from Korea?”

“Yes, native Korean if that’s what you’re wondering. Why are you in Seoul though?” He draped an arm over the back of where she sat, as he moved his position Jaebum realized he was drunk. The room wasn’t shifting, but it was sweltering, and his face hurt from smiling so much.

“Business opportunities. I’m a MUA, makeup artist and the company I am working with had opportunities here. I thought why not.” She let her hand fall on his thigh. “I’ve been here for four months now.”

“Do you like it?” He hoped she did, he wished that he could see her tomorrow, and the day after and that she just wasn’t interested in him for tonight.

“I do. I think my Korean is getting better.” She moved her tongue over her nude painted lips, letting her hand slide up his chest. “Tell me something Jaebum, why haven’t you kissed me yet?”

He wanted to, nothing was holding him back even though he knew Jinyoung and Mark were watching his every move. “I’m interested in getting to know you outside of tonight.”

Moving away from him, Amina moved her legs over Jaebum’s until she was sitting sideways on his lap. “Good because I have to go, work in the morning, where’s your phone?”

Startled, Jaebum tried to calm himself down he didn’t want to give himself away too much, and he shifted her on his lap as he pulled out his phone. “Can I put mine in yours?” She pulled her phone out from her bra and handed it to him.  

Handing her phone back, Amina slid off his lap as her friends came up to the table. “Perhaps, I’ll hear from you soon?”

She didn’t give him time to answer as she started walking away, impulse reacted in Jaebum, he reached out taking her wrist pulling her back to him. One kiss, that was it. Pressing his lips against hers chastely, he let her go.

Amina covered her mouth as her friends laughed shuffling her towards the door.

“Well, I think you’ve had enough adventure for tonight.” Jinyoung interrupted Jaebum’s reverie.

“Naw, he just needs to get it wet one time, and he’ll be better.” Mark laughed before Jinyoung punched his arm. “Are you going to call her?”

As the rest of the crew came back to the table, BamBam saw the interaction and clapped his hyung on the back. “I saw that. You have to wait at least 2 days before you call. You don’t want to look desperate.”

“No, he doesn’t. They like it when you call the next day. Don’t text.” Yugyeom added.

“Or he can do what he wants because Jaebum is a grown man and he is capable of talking to women on his own.” Ava retorted as she sat down on Youngjae’s lap.

“Thank you, Ava.” Jaebum smiled at her. “I do know I am drunk, and I won’t be as bold tomorrow, so perhaps…I should go home.”

“Yea, we’ll share a cab with you,” Youngjae replied.

The ride home wasn’t long, and Jaebum mostly stared out the window as Ava whispered in Youngjae’s ear, rubbing his hand on her thigh. He smiled at how they were together. She was bolder than Youngjae, but it made him more open as well. As Jaebum got out of the cab to pay his half, he wished them goodnight. The crisp, winter air made him pull his jacket closer to him as he entered the code for his building.

Winter was indeed upon them, and he stumbled on his feet a little, burping. The taste of soju was sharp in his mouth, and he placed a hand on his stomach hoping he didn’t vomit. As he opened the door, the babysitter sat on the couch thumbing through a magazine.

“Thank you HaEun, you can stay the night if you want. I’ll pay you extra, there’s a spare room near Areum’s.” The girl stood up giving a bow.

“It’s ok, I can take a cab.” She placed the magazine down. “Areum was asleep the whole time. She got up for a drink, but she went back to sleep after.”

“Thank you for watching her. Stay inside until it comes and I’ll walk you down then.” He answered her, going to the kitchen for water. Jinyoung was right, he should have drunk some while he was there. He finished two bottles before the cab came, feeling a little better he walked HaEun to the taxi and paid the fare.

Back in the apartment, he took a deep breath and made his way to Areum’s room. The room bathed in a soft pink glow, he spied her laying halfway on her bed. She always slept weird, and he adjusted her body kissing her cheek. Pulling the covers over her once more, he left the door cracked and went to his own room.

As he got ready for bed, he took out his phone and stared at Amina’s phone number. He didn’t know when he would call her and half of him wanted to tomorrow. Maybe the next day but he wasn’t sure. He did want to see her again, but he didn’t want to look desperate either. Plugging the phone in, he turned over in his bed and fell asleep.

Chapter Two

[eterneli]

gimme all the texts mister spaghetti

TEXT MEME. | Accepting. (x)

“✆” for a morning text.

( sms – jack frost ) It’s 6am. The sun is up.( sms – jack frost ) Wake the fuck up.( sms – jack frost ) Time to get up and melt, Kaicicle ( :

“✉” for a text that wasn’t sent.

( sms – jack frost ) You’re probably the closest thing to a friend in my life right now.( sms – jack frost ) But I can never let you in. I’m sorry.

“☎” for a rushed text.

( sms –jack frost ) Can’t talk.( sms – jack frost ) Got a meeting. K.

“⁇” for a drunk text.

( sms – jack frost ) kaiiiicecream kaiciiiicle( sms – jack frost ) wai t alsoo kaice nd jongince( sms – jack frost ) get yo asss to th barr( sms – jack frost ) im waintig herre

“✿” for a suggestive text.

( sms – jack frost ) I get why people are so attracted to you.( sms – jack frost ) All that confidence and sweet talk, and the good looks.( sms – jack frost ) Never worked on me tho.

“ø” for a late night text.

( sms – jack frost ) Wanna break into SNU’s library?( sms – jack frost ) I heard they have violent ghosts there.( sms – jack frost ) And creepy possessed students.

“✘” for a hateful text.

( sms – jack frost ) Saw a piece of shit on the ground today.( sms – jack frost ) It reminded me of you.

“#” for a random text.

( sms – jack frost ) Did you know that in Welsh folklore, corgis were the preferred method of transportation for fairies?(sms – jack frost ) Yes, faeries rode corgis. Magic. BAM.

“@” for a scared text.

( sms – jack frost ) It’s all slipping through my fingers again.( sms – jack frost ) This fucking weight is crushing me all over again and I can hear the screams haunt me because they will come soon.

“&” for a loving text.

( sms – jack frost ) Don’t melt today.( sms – jack frost ) I only got you as an adventure buddy. Stay fucking alive or I’ll murder you myself.

“%” for a curious text.

( sms – jack frost ) What does it take to actually melt you?( sms – jack frost ) Fire, obviously. But at what intensity?( sms – jack frost ) This is strictly for government and scientific purposes btw. You need to cooperate, just saying.

“ツ” for an excited text.

(sms – jack frost ) Yiruma is back from his tour for a few days.(sms – jack frost ) I’m gonna be busy.( sms – jack frost ) Don’t bother me until I’m available again.

“$” for an accidental text.

( sms – jack frost ) Yes, president.(sms – jack frost ) I will see you then.( sms – jack frost ) Please have a good night and go home safely.

Twenty minutes later:

(sms – jack frost ) God fucking dammit. Why does this keep happening–just ignore this, Kai. It wasn’t meant for you.

“♀” for a heartbreaking text.

( sms – jack frost ) There’s a villain in every story. The wicked witch of the west/east, the evil stepmother, the monster, the beast. What does a villain look like? Well, it doesn’t always have a black cape, or a witch’s broom, or a big scary mask.( sms – jack frost ) I have a villain of my own, but it is kind of hard to see. It has a really good disguise–it looks a lot like me. Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? Or maybe it’s monster monster inside of me, tell me tell me what you see. Rip me apart, tear me to shreds, make me a prisoner inside my own head. Tell me what I am and tell me what I’m not. Tell me what I need and tell me what I got. It brings out my scars, my sadness, fear and aggression. It causes me a lot of envy and leaves me with … aching. Deprives me of my confidence, takes away my self esteem. It causes me to fear judgement and makes me yell and scream. This villain taunts me with words like this is some kind of game. But when it comes down to it there’s no one else to blame.( sms – jack frost ) This villain isn’t a creature or a devil sent from hell, it isn’t a witch or demon. The villain is myself. I try to fight it but it won’t stop. It’s never going to cease. It’s mean and a liar. I’m the beauty and the beast. There’s a villain in every story, a statement that is true. But how do you kill the monster when it lives inside of you?