#i still have so much more to do ughhhh
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i hate everything
#about to go on a rant cause i'm ✨ stressed ✨#i'm currently at the very end of my masters degree so i can be a fully qualified secondary teacher#however due to the teacher shortage i have been allowed to start working as a full time teacher and have been doing so for the last year#i love my job i love the kids i love the staff members#what i dont love is having to finish off my masters degree when i've been working in the profession for a year#i have learnt more being in the classroom for a year than my whole 7 years at uni doing my undergrad and masters#i am TIRED of having to waste my time and come up with bullshit assessments just so i can get this stupid degree#schools are on winter holidays at the moment and i am meant to be relaxing or prepping for the term ahead#but no ... i've been stuck in my room for the past week doing uni assessments to prove that i know how to implement teaching strategies#and showcase how to write a lesson plan EVEN THOUGH NO TEACHER EVER WRITES ONE WHILE WORKING???????????#i just feel really bad for the kids cause i spend all my free time doing my uni shit or sleeping cause im so drained#i never have enough time to organise things for my lessons or come up with fun learning activities#usually i just do the bare minimum and pray for a pass#but this assessment just has a satisfactory/unsatisfactory mark so i cant just half ass this shit#also can yall believe that im only half way through this assessment??????????#i still have so much more to do ughhhh#anyway if you read all that im sorry and thank you#marie.txt
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Forced against my will to post these(thanks @flopnandoalonso and @schumigrace ...) , but please enjoy gifs of: Fernando at the spa (PLEASE DON'T BLOCK ME)
#posting this and closing tumblr for the rest of the night DJKFSLGR#also gifing this doesnt even feel nearly as bad as the actual clip itself#so i linked it. go watch it.#THERES JUST SO MUCH YKNOW#cause like not only is all this feet stuff going on in the background. theyre also talking abt him peeing in the car#these gifs are just ... foot stuff hm#I DONT WANT IT ON MY BLOG EITHER BUT I GOTTA GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT#i hope youre happy. i stopped drawing for tonight to make these instead UGHHHH#yes i can be peer pressured#but also i think its very funny#this clip has haunted me for more than half a year and look here now you have it#i still think i like the other massage scene better. its a lot more subtle#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#tw feet#fernando(show)#fernando s1e4#we do a little bit of f1#normal posts that catie normally makes in a normal fashion
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its getting harder and harder to quiet the part of my brain that wants to be a humanities major
#like. okay. i love science and math and know i definitely want to do something in stem for my career#i enjoy and its more financially lucrative#which as much as i do not dream of labor etc etc is still something i need to think about#but as much as i know thats what i want to do i ALSO love studying literature and history !!!! and i would like to study more of it !!!#ik i will have to take some humanities classes in college but i want to get to the higher level ones where it goes super in depth#but i also know i would HATE a career in the humanities after college#so i shouldnt major in it..... even tho i really really want to keep learnign about those subjects.....#ughhhh iwant to do everything but college wants me to put myself on one career path and stick with it#boycritter et al
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dude if something gay doesnt happen to me soon i might actually go insane
#text#ughhhh trying to refrain from bitching and moaning in these tags. but oh my god.#being a fat trans dude is awesome but also kinda sucks like damn nobody want me fr!!#i hate that i had to grow up in one of the more nasty conservative parts of florida pre t no confidence in high school#and then had like a few months of actually doing gay shit w someone in college before getting rocked by a trauma response or some shit#so bad that it feels like i forgot how to do anything socially#why does one prolonged bad experience with someone when i was 15 still have to affect me like this as an adult. im a grown ass man#WHYYYYYYY DO I STILL FEEL LIKE THIS#dude i just wanna lay on someones lap like a cat again. is that so much to ask. kms
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hour and a half unpaid overtime I think that's a new record for me. on a day where I was supposed to have no overtime no less. funny how I only have 3 of those this month and the 2 so far I've had to work overtime anyway 👍
#i shouldve left at 4:15. killing myself at work in front of everyone#well im actually not that mad ive been listening to yhe national on loop for the last 6 hours of my shift nothing can touch me#but the disrespect....#my boss came n found me at 4pm and was like hey can u do another round of this assay (<- takes an hour and a half)#and i said no!!!! bc she already gave me too much shit to do i was busy ALL DAY and still ran over like how tf do u expect me to fit MORE#she gave me 1.5 hours to do 14 samples in this one assay where each one takes 15 mins plus 5 mins prep per sample beforehand#so like 20 mins per sample THATS 4 HOURS AND 40 MINUTES and thats assuming no repeats and no troubleshooting!!!#3x the time u scheduled for me... come tf on. i need to make a table of how to calculate how long an assay takes so she stops doing this#rly not that hard just ask me how long i need for it and ill explain it to u#and then i finished up n emailed results n went to go switch lights off in the other lab and shed left samples out for me to book in. GIRL#PLEASE EMAIL ME OR TEAMS ME DONT JUST LEAVE THEM THERE.. u know im working in the main lab ALL DAY#so im not gonna fucking see them!!!! and they need to be refrigerated!!!! next time ill just leave them out overnight and when shes like#why are these samples ruined jts expensive to get more ill be like well u didnt tell me to book them in so.#anyway she moved the other assay to friday n she was annoyed i didnt fit it in earlier but WHERE. WHERE WAS I MEANT TO FIT IT IN!!#also i have 2 separate multi hour assays booked friday already so good luck im out of the door at 4:15 if its not done its not done idc#ughhhh. if the bus is late too im going back to my work and blowing the building up#WHAT. EVER!!!!!!!#.diaries
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🏫🍃🌥️
#oooof... sleep was rough bc my face was super itchy. all of a sudden i got rashes in my face yesterday ?!?!? i have NEVER gotten that wtffff#hopefully it's just temporary nd will go away. it's still a tiny bit itchy but not as bad as yesterday :o#istg my life is a JOKE!!!! a joke!!!! rashes?!? what? maybe stress nd anxiety?? idk it's wild tho i cant deal w this#so i couldnt really fall asleep but i rested for a few hours#then i got up. took my dog out. had oatmeal. called the surgeron clinic.#and like... i told them abt my weight and they said im underweight?! and that my bmi is 18.9 and u need to have 19....#i told her that i cant gain weight bc i cant eat anything. that i cant have more fat than i already do bc then it hurts too much#she said she'll talk to the anesthesia doctors and call me later. she hasnt called yet#i rlly hope they understand the situation?? and that i can still have my surgery bc what else am i supposed to do???#ughhhh why cant anything ever just be easy and smooth for me??#i am sooooo tired of all these hardships piling on top of eo#then i walked to school.. took me an hour and im spent now bc im so weak nd malnutrioned skskskks#and im in class... it's a long one. still more than an hour left :'( my head hurts#ugh i just wanna be fine for once in my life#but yeah im like 75% thru all the hard things i need to do today#just need to finish class nd then walk home nd then hopefully get a call back and then i can relax (as much as i can lol)#i hope the itching goes down (still wtf is my body doing? i have no patience for it anymore) nd i hope im not too underweight for surgery om
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delighted that i'm so much more fond of chuuya at this point than i was just a couple years ago. it took the stormbringer play, the cannibalism play, and the fifteen manga (still haven't gotten to those two novels in their entirety, I Will Soon I Promise), it took 6ish+ years, but i can confidently say I Get It Now. Now i just need asagiri to break him (affectionate) in the manga and actually give him a character arc already <333
#i went through my own character arc okay i have Learned#still don't really get it from the pre-light novels era but i definitely get it now#he's actually written so well in those lns it's astounding. now fr if only that could be transferred to the actual manga *sigh*#if you can't tell i'm still so pissed and betrayed by the meursault arc. on all fronts lol but chuuya was one of the worst victims ughhhh#i may be hyped about this fyodor shit rn but do not mistake that as me forgetting how angry i still am over all that anticlimactic bullshit#happy birthday chuuya you really deserve so much better </3#been thinking so much lately about what asagiri is planning for him. or if he's planning anything at all. the signs are so contradictory!!!#i know the fandom made him a huge thing from the early anime days when he probably wasn't meant to be more than an extreme side character#why? again i still don't understand (shipping. it's shipping okay; that's why i was always unfairly biased against him lmao)#but even if that's the case then he wrote the light novels that are SO GOOD so like!!!!#now there's buildup!!!! now there's expectations for him!!!!!!#you can't just never have verlaine and adam not come back in the story again at some point#in the same way that ango did from a light novel#and how oda HAS to be addressed by the end of the story#and all the lore bs in 55 minutes#just WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING WITH CHUUYA ASAGIRI. I NEED TO KNOWWWWWW#THE SIGNS ARE VERY WORRYING BUT IN A COMPELLING WAY AND I NEED THEM TO PAY OFF SO BADLY#me going literally insane lately over a character i still claim to not be one of my favorites. lmao
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I’ve come to the conclusion that the only good thing about the covid years is that they gave me an excuse to skip the yearly hell of colonoscopy prep for three years in a row. Sadly, my time has run out and tonight is and has been Suffering Hours again. Also the readmore function on mobile seems to be broken now, so I can’t even complain in relative private out of respect to the squeamish and the many folks in worse situations who don’t deserve to hear me complain and to whom I wish the best.
#pain in the ass tag#health shit#no pun intended#i am rewatching nmtd to cope#hero’s birthday is imminent and I only have one more thing of water to down#so it’s almost over and I won’t be suffering alone#i have to pay over a thousand dollars every year for the privilege of spending a day torturing myself to clean my pipes#so they can be checked for inflammation#i have to PAY for this#chronic illness is ASS#yes it’s important that I do it but ughhhh#i had so much hope for the pill prep but NOPE STILL ASS#if I’m unhinged on here tomorrow it’s bc I’m gonna be high for a while thx anasthesia
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ik that people miss ambrosius' graphic novel design or whatever and its like whatever but uhhhhhhhh. um. uh.
#like. ik its fine to miss the long hair but like. idk!#idk! i just feel very hesitant bc like. i KNOW that fandom loves feminising queer asian men and. uh. uhhhhh#like its sort of a knee jerk type reaction but. WHY exactly do you want him to have the long hair. yk. do you know. what i MEAN#like the long hair in itself is like. i LIKE the idea of him with long hair. but its. the WAY people approach it ig.#like ok. his comic design is feminine. like not VERY fem obv but still much more fem than ballisters. right.#and so like. wanting movie ambrosius to look more like comic ambrosius is like. whyyyyyyy.#ITS NOT ABT THE HAIR. is what im trying to get at.#its abt how it feels weird to feel like ppl see queer asian men and immediately want to feminize them#yeah ok basically. yeah! this is coherent wow 10/10#ughhhh
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#went 2 a party + i feel like dirt like idk i feel so ugly + gross + at the same time i feel like ive gotten less ugly since i came out +#i look better as a guy but i still feel. not good + also party was at my family friends house + we were lookin @ pictures from when we#were kids like 8-14 ish and ughhhhh im so weird looking + also i was so skinnnyyy then i wanna die........................................#like theres a photo of me + two friends + ummmmmmmm i just want to die im sorry this is majorly stupid idk what im talking about#+ i just feel like me + my best friend have nothing to talk about + i have no friends + it has 2 be my fault because im like. the only#common factor in nobody liking me + i just feel like shit!! and i dont want to be like whiny and annoying and ugly and unfunny but im#not doing it on purpose............ ughhhh like ive changed so much in 2 yrs bc i was like whatever im doing is making people not like me +#i felt weird so i was like im just gonna change rlly hard + like i dont think its that easy but i am different bc i keep my mouth shut more#+ now i feel like i was more likeable before i hated myself + tried to be someone else but its like an endless cycleeeeee#whatever im just so miserable + at least when i was like more suicidal + fucked up i felt smart + less ugly#and also i hate my family + i dont want to live here + i hate my town but i dont want people to not like me but i do + i just feel like i#ruined my life............#ANYWAY IM FINE THOUGH. im goin to bed + everythings gonna be ok in the morning 🕊️#✉️
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taking a coin out and opening clip today like 'oh boy who am i going to project onto today ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶'
#snap chats#ugHHHH#had another nightmare about my mom so now that im free from commission work its projection time#ive had nightmares every day at this point but this one just. especially hit me for some reason LMAO#whatever now im trying to figure out who....#because it very easily could go either way and i know i can make both work very well. if i can be confident for .5 seconds for once#i have visions and reasonings for either or i just dont know which is better#they say you should do a coin flip because subconsciously youll want one result over the other#but in this case im genuinely at a stand still#i dont want to explain my reasonings for jo's vers and arakawa's vers for the fear of someone reading these tags#and liking one more than the other but then i end up doing the opposite#SO no one gets to know until i actually do it#i just gotta look at the wall and let my heart decide#this is the problem with two bitches you like having parental issues like Damn Which One Of You Would Be More Banger For Storytelling#TO SOME THE CHOICE IS OBVIOUS but theres just so much to play with here....#anyways we'll see what i do in a few hours. if i even do anything and i just dont look out my window ghandi style all day
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(reading my own ao3) wow this bitch is so correct and on point i wish there was more . cmon guys look at this shit https://archiveofourown.org/series/2536405
#kommento#// blatantly promoing my writing . i miss my 2021 early 2022 era i wrote so good#// not to shit on myself but i kind of lost my charm on that latest one from december#// but like woww ughhhh i wish there was more <- the writer#// FIVE MINUTES LATE I LOVE YOUU yorue the fucking epitome of the ever i loveyou kissing you#// AND ANTIHISTAMES !! AND EXTRA TIP and youre lost i love all of you i lveo you all mwa mwma mwamwamwa#// kind of fell off and lost the writing style i liked on dont let it rain BUT STILL i wrote something so IM STILL WINNING !!#// when i finish my kitchen fic it's over for all of you (shes almost at 2k and shes still going)#// when i finally finish something so au specific so self indulgent IT'S ALL OVER !!!!!#// i forgot my love for serialization and seeing things come together and whole i just wonder if i'll still have the ambition after that lon#// (in the corner) wow i wish theres more content of adachi and th attendnatn being friends#// besides the /wildly gestures at whatever the hell goes on in the iznmi tags/ whatever the FUCK this is#// i have ao3 svior btw theres so much shit censored when i open up the tag after 27 years and i do Not want to know what's in there#// sometimes i wish i could start all over and feel That Rush again where everythings so good and fun and whimsy#// learning new things one after the other like it's SO EXCITING !!!! just without the horrors this time#// and that i have YOU GUYS !!! (youre standing across me from the convenience store counter while i flop at using the barcode scanner)#// i wouldnt even KNOW adachis place in fandom i'll just be like LOOK AT HINM !!! hes so fucking terrible these two should be besties#// OKAY enogh remensicneing i need to GO !! BACK TO ACTUAL WORK !!! i love you all i hope youre all healthy
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ill be like I can totally make a lighthearted post mentioning a kink i have and i wont even freak abt it. and then i freak abt it
#its not even one of the ones i normally freak abt. fml. fml. its spreading. eventually i wont even be able to say Strals exist without going#into system shutdown or something. this sucks#this is also why i have so much trouble posting on my nsft is ill go over there and be like. Id love to **** some ***** and then i get#terrified. so i dont#my pfp over there is literally. **** ******* ** * *** but i go over there to post abt how i want to **** * *** and im like that is deviant#i cannot be saying that in front of my followers. who dollowed my nsft blog. where i list the things im into . and my pfo is * **** *******#** * *** so its not like theyd be HORRIFIED if that came up#but idk... i worry ppl dont read my dni over there. bc usually they just follow me after seeing that one post which doesnt rly mention any#of the ones im weird abt. except for like kind of it does but whatever its fine i cannottt freak out abt that post its existed for like.#months now. sigh. its all just a bit embarassing which sucks#“mdni”#IN A MASSIVE WAY. idr if any minors still r here if im still muts with any....#its just like. IDK i either feel a bit silly posting on it and its just mildly embarass Or i send myself into hysterics over how im an evil#person bc i like. well i cant say. obviously. but yk. stufffff. that i am into. I HATE TALKING ABT IT BC IT MAKES ME SOUND LIKE AN EVIL#PERSON AND LIKE. its not anything like. UGH. im not into kids or animals 👍👍👍 obviously. and idt its that bad the things im into some of#them r like basically baby shit like ohhh woww youre into *********** and yet even that i cant talk abt it bc im like um im going to be#smited by god and sent to hell or soemthing and actually i only thing its normal bc im a disgusting weird freak and everybody would kill me#immediately if they knew also im an evil person? its like. UGHHHH.#and the other stuff is. less 'mainstream' which is even scarier but ig in a way ive been More open abt it which is kind of funny. looks at.#but even then i dont rly go in detail bc yk. Stuff. im just like lol they r the way they r bc of how i am. and then i walk away forever#idk. ive been feeling so guilty over that specifically like. UGH. its not like. ugh. i rly cant talk abt it without it being obvious and im#scared byt im also like Compelled to talk abt it so ppl dont think its worse but im also compelled not to bc thats like oversharing i guess#as if thta isnt All i do on this fuckass blog. no matter what i do i lose. i hate my brain so badly i wish i could judt get over it and jus#be like yep these r the things and not have to like over clarify and explain and disclaimer everything and stuff . idk. it suck#mdni#the quotes didnt take it to the top like they used to. kms
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everything is too much rn im so stressed
#i still have 3 more assignments to work on that are due next week#which are all group projects by the way which makes it so much more unecessarily annoying#its been so stressful at home. i havent been able to spend time with my partner at all. im out of my anxiety meds#my room is a mess i need to clean and organize things and also my computer files are a nightmare rn and ;___;#i want to draw for artfight but i just literally have not had the time and energy to do it#im thinking maybe i really should not be participating this year but like. i did anyway bc its mostly this week that im busy but. UGHHHH#and i really want to draw ive been having some ideas for attacks i rlly want to work on!!!! and i wanna get some ppl back!!!! im!!!!!#im feeling so guilty about it#but also. yeah.
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ive just gotten home im absolutely freezing
#🧚🏽♀️ — luxe chit chat#like im SHAKING#teeth chattering the works#ughhhh today was so hard#still super grieving my friendship break up but im trying to get out as much as possible so i cant dwell at home#but holy fuck it's hard#my anxiety has been awful.. AWFUL#had a panic attack at the gym#so glad my mam happened to come with me or idk what i would have done#im rly not doing good#i keep thinking i wanna get back into writing but then i keep getting more and more hurt everyday so i just cant bring myself too#im soooo sad too bc i just finally got back into loving writing#oh well#i hope ur all doing well beautiful ppl <333
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dude not me thinking about post-gang war arc gang's bay aughghgh the character design ideas i have are so GOOOODDD
#at this point i feel like i just SHOULD make gang's bay a tv show when i can#but also that depends if i can get the necessary people on it. mainly being boat (which i dont think will be too hard?)#(but that also depends if he would be interested in so much as being a voice actor)#(and that's like the bare minimum i'd need from him. i'd hope he also wants to do more of the development as well)#(which i mean it seems right up his alley? he seems to like creating characters n stories for an audience right)#but anyway it may actually be higher priority to me than bwob at this point. as much as i still love the idea of it#im just SO invested in gang's bay now#i think the main thing is that the ocs ive made for gang's bay i've developed to the point of them actually feeling real to me#and like people i could talk to. and there are SO many stories i could tell with them#meanwhile boardwalk is meant to be smth a little more like a recent disney cartoon: a sort of blend between episodic and serialized#where it kind of starts as more of a sitcom but builds up to a big dramatic save-the-world type plot leaving everything changed for better#at this point gang's bay also kinda does that but on a smaller scale conflict-wise but is far more flexible#in that a LOT could happen before and after the fact. it's still at its core a sitcom#but it's still allowed to have a sort of story progression between the gang war and the characters changing & finding their life partners#gang's bay also has SO many more themes than bwob does at this point#bwob is supposed to be an allegory for acceptance of queer individuals or even any type of diversity#meanwhile in gangs bay there's friendship and trust and the meaning of masculinity and growing up and overcoming addiction and trauma and-#there's just SO much at this point dude. if any show SHOULD run for like 10 seasons or more it's gang's bay#honestly im not even sure where it would end at this point. either way if it were a show it'd probably be the best adult cartoon out there#UGHHHH im so hyperfixated on this cant you tell
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