#ITS NOT ABT THE HAIR. is what im trying to get at.
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ik that people miss ambrosius' graphic novel design or whatever and its like whatever but uhhhhhhhh. um. uh.
#like. ik its fine to miss the long hair but like. idk!#idk! i just feel very hesitant bc like. i KNOW that fandom loves feminising queer asian men and. uh. uhhhhh#like its sort of a knee jerk type reaction but. WHY exactly do you want him to have the long hair. yk. do you know. what i MEAN#like the long hair in itself is like. i LIKE the idea of him with long hair. but its. the WAY people approach it ig.#like ok. his comic design is feminine. like not VERY fem obv but still much more fem than ballisters. right.#and so like. wanting movie ambrosius to look more like comic ambrosius is like. whyyyyyyy.#ITS NOT ABT THE HAIR. is what im trying to get at.#its abt how it feels weird to feel like ppl see queer asian men and immediately want to feminize them#yeah ok basically. yeah! this is coherent wow 10/10#ughhhh
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@vulpixisananimal sifstem art jumpscare!! more specifically i got bored and decided to mess around with sif and mal's outfits.
#my art#this is how I think theyd present themselves either in person or in headspace. the slouchers <3#sifs outfit is simple; the boots i always give them (but with star laces for funsies); loose sweater; simple pants#the pants are Meant to be jeans but isat doesnt Specifically Have Jeans so. theyre just Pants.#the sweater is slightly looser bc sif doesnt seem like a Form Fitting Clothes kinda guy to me but hes Trying to be more open#on particularly good days theyll roll the sleeves up or wear a sleeveless one methinks#even if everyone Knows abt the self-harm scars its hard to Look at them.#i also associate them being more open with them not wearing an eyepatch. esp bc hes the only one of the three to go without it#for mal (or 'ami' as i like to call it) i wanted smth reminiscent of a mourning outfit bc mal du pays means homesickness#and i picked 'ami' as a nickname bc ami means friend :] at least according to my basic translator. i dont speak french <3#ami's outfit being dark is also reminiscent of the inversion thing its got going on in canon.#ik the veil is starred in the original but i think ami would want the fewest reminders of home. on account of The Issues#(actually if i can come back to sifs laces sif also has issues with reminders of it bc of the memory loss but the shoelaces are His Choice—#—which gives them a form of control over it and they can keep it subtle or undo it if he wants. which makes it easier)#anyway. i put amis hair in an updo and smoothed the hat bc i think ami wants to be Unremarkable. Unknown. so it keeps its silhouette Simple#(it still keeps the pins. theres smth comforting abt them. they shine like stars and theyre not stars and theyre not Home. but theyre You.)#and i kept the long hair i gave loop. dont ask me why its so long when the canon hair is short. maybe their hair kept growing over the loop#OH and i drew ami in a side profile bc Silhouette and also bc i think itd make an effort to keep people away from its blind spot#andddd i think thats about it? plus i actually managed to keep this one within a reasonable timeframe.#if their hair changes lengths/the proportions change between drawings. no they dont 💛 peace and love and body craft#OH AND YOU FINALLY GET TO SEE WHAT I MEAN ABT SIFS BOOTS BC THESE ARE THE BOOTS I GAVE THEM ON MY REGULAR DESIGN ARENT THEY NEAT#i did actually try to give sif a different font but nothing Works for them like the pixel font. i cant explain it.#i think 'ami' would be a nickname that mira gives it. bc. shes Fantasy French. and its a sort of 'youre more than your yearning/loss' thing#me every time i think abt sifstem: yeah they just rotate in my head. nothing major#me every time i talk abt sifstem: oh hey im almost at tag limit again#au Good what can i say
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future foundation bros
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I think about the idea that maybe, at some point mondo does actually cut his hair,, goofy thought would be that during the time he was in future foundation he got the teruki cut (mp100 reference in which in a fight teru gets his long hair cut by a sword) though it happens with his pomp or smth
then I think about him cutting his hair in general, I think the idea is just interesting to think about sometimes (especially with adding takas reactions in the mix) ((sorry the brainrot is real))
#this is not me saying that i prefer it to mondo keeping his hair long#in fact i ADORE mondo with long hair and him growing it out even more after hopes peak#hes so girlboy girly gal i love him and his pretty hair and i love drawing it#these are old doodles and seeing them again made me think about that concept#I like to think that mondo does cut his hair at some point to like. see what its like and then immediately after hes like#no yea i get why i didnt want it short it feels weird#obviously there can be some metaphor written in there but yk im rambling enough about this goodnight#danganronpa#mondo owada#kiyotaka ishimaru#ishimondo#PLEASE IGNORE THE LITTLE COMIC PART I WAS TRYING TO DRAW OUT AN IDEA AT THE TIME AND NOW I REALIZE IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE UMM#anyways it was supposed to be taka nagging mondo over his hair n mondo is like ehh ill think abt it ok thats all#kry k(art)
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todays concepts to grapple with are “accept Done over Perfect” and also “change is an inevitable constant”, both are very good sentiments that will better my life when i accept them, but it also means not restarting my crochet project and to stop staring at my face so hard in the mirror, and ima be real both of those r suck
#i wanna redo a pannel on my purse. but thatd be a few hours of work undone and redone#but also id like if it were Perfect. but also i dont wanna redo all that. but also i wanna finish this so i can move on to other shit#idk i cant tell if its something ill forget abt eventually or if its an issue that ill look at every time i use the purse#im. hgggnnn.#the mirror thing is bc of the dermotilomania and also my face is changing bc lack of teeths#isnt a huge deal. but also sometimes i look at the mirror like. Who Are You#i mean. rapidly dropping 50 pounds and losing half your teeth and anxiety making your face the ultimate stim toy. its like. yeah of course.#of course i feel weird. it ties in with being sick. so much shit has changed my body and i havent processed it rlly#thats why im leaning so hard into making clothes and dying my hair. reclaiming what i can control etc etc#i try not to worry abt how i look. i try to just focus on gaining weight and keeping my illnesses managed#but sometimes i look in the mirror like. oh. this isnt who i was#but change is inevitable and i will learn to love this new me too :)#i made myself feel better just by talkimg this out yay#im gonna get super high and crochet YIPPEE!!
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nothing to me will ever be more iconic than my beloved mutual managing to get me so invested in a (rarepair) ship for a media i had no previous interaction with that i was actively making my own headcanons abt their potential relationship dynamic and making song associations and engaging in others’ brainrot for months before i ever even considered getting in to said media. and now a year later i’m finally writing fic for them but still know next to nothing abt what they’re like in canon cause i still haven’t made it to that part of the story, the memories of the shared delusion are genuinely the only thing keeping me going.
#poppy if ur reading this ilysm ylne has been a constant over the past year (consistent in ruining my LIFE)#the most mundane things are them i was running a bath the other day and bam suddenly had an insane fic idea#was just putting my hair into a small plait rn and remembered the time i used that as insp for an angst idea. every song can be them too#i don’t really talk abt them on tumblr cause i’m still technically not actually. IN the genshin fandom#i play the game (now. entire months after i first was introduced to the ship) and i like characters and find the story intriguing but#my love for ylne transcends all that and the vision is both v simple and v insane & only my 3 twt mutuals bar poppy Get it#but also its really funny one of them isnt a playable character and probably never will be and he’s got like. a few mentions and#there is literally only one image of him out there (2 but the second was part of leaks drama). but im attached to his nonexistent wife#who he’s cheating on. the hannigram brainrot was easy to transfer across because they feel so similar but somehow even w/o cannibalism#they’re Worse and they’ve taken up permanent residence in my mind#and yes i’m only thinking abt all this as a way of procrastinating writing said fic its soso hard trying to do them justice 😔#i think its genuinely become a pattern where i will write things that are So divorced from their original media and honestly. what a slay#faera's
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#listen. sometimes. when i get emails pertaining to a specific project i worked on that nearly broke my brain. i just stop what im doing#and start playing Losing My Religion by REM. and i wish the person emailing me could see me face down at a table listening to thay song#mostly its fine. its just when someones trying to manage the data files so i kno im gonna have to go back thru and update my code#for a bunch of tiny stuff and its like: does this sound ok? and i just dont care so much that i want to start screaming#and then at the end of the day i hike up a fucking mountain going over what im gonna tell a therapist when my insurance switches#and im gonna say it in a way thats v calm and agreeable but i want to scream and tear my hair out. or maybe i wont b agreeable. i wasnt#last time i was in a therapist office but that guy deserved it and i wasn't being that bad#ugh. im just mad bc working on my stuff makes me so miserable that when i stop its like wow im no longer in agony. cool#coool. fun times. becoming increasingly apprehensive abt how im gonna try to b more healthy abt working while taking on triple#the responsibility with a phd project and being a student and being a TA. i mean. ill try but its gonna b fucking interesting#ugh. had to bust out the burnout playlist. which like. when u try to look at other ppls burnout playlists they all suck#theyre all like former gifted kid burnout Playlists and im like fuckkk offfff. why do u not have the incredibly specific vibes that im#looking for? i just demand the perfect burnout playlist and somehow nobody puts No Surprises on there#like what??? y not? its a song abt being so totally saturated that youve had enough. a heart thats full up like a landfill. a job that#slowly kills u. bruises that wont heal. how is it not THE burnout song? but whatever. i listen to too much radi0head.#ugh. but now my burnout playlist is becoming too much like my My Brain Doesnt Feel Too Good playlist#listen. i just need to curate playlist so that they can express the feelings for me#unrelated
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just had the worst hair cut experience :(
#not fandom related#personal log stardate#was rly dysphoric abt my hair so i booked an appointment online where you can basically get your hair cut immediately#booked a men's haircut. tried to be as masculine as possible when i went there. i did Not pass as a guy. they thought i was a woman#the whole time. when i wanted to pay the hairdresser was like 'you booked an appointment for a men's cut but you're a woman right?'#she asked that bc for woman the haircuts are more expensive and for men they're cheaper. like.#for a women's haircut you have to pay 20 € more lol. anyway i felt... not much tbh. i looked her in the eye and shook my head#to indicate no im not a woman and she rang me up for a men's cut#i don't feel all that much rn either it's just. looks like i don't pass. there's not much i can do.#i cant dress any more masculine my hair is short i use mens shampoo and deodorant#its probably my high voice. also im small. it might just be my ~vibe~ im a shy kinda person idk#guess i just have to wait for T to work its magic. so far nothing has rly happened#i actually had a cold and not a voice drop but i think ever since i /can/ speak a tiny bit deeper if i try#idk if my levels are good. my next appointment is in april so i just gotta be patient and wait#what's actually most bothersome abt today is that i couldn't play it cool. if this had happened to a cis guy and he would've been asked if#he's a woman he would've laughed it off or been offended and it would've been ridiculous to him. for me it was the worst come true and it#made me extremely insecure and i feel if i had just the confidence that a cis guy has it wouldn't have made me that uncomfortable and i#could've just brushed it off#anyway i gotta focus on my exams now anyway so ill just try to brush this experience off#the hairdresser wasnt even transphobic when i shook my head no im not a woman her eyes were sort of soft but calculating like she accepted#me i think but just the fact that it happened that i do Not pass that i Do have to out myself and can't just be myself w/o being questioned#hurts#also to my mutuals ive read your comments and messages i just havent had the energy to answer yet. i love you guys <3
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Look, I love Brokeback Mountain (2005) so much and I'm so glad that I get to exist in the universe where Ang Lee directed this movie with these specific actors and this specific version of the script, however part of me really wonders what Brokeback would have looked like if it had been directed by some of the other filmmakers who were in the line up for the project, using earlier versions of the script 🤔
Like imaginewhat Brokeback would've looked like with noted gay indie movie darling Gus Van Sant at the helm?? Or Pedro Almodóvar??? And then with other versions of the script floating around online, as well as deleted scenes and whatnot, I can't help but wonder abt what it would've been if other directors had gotten their hands on it first
#thinking abt this bc pedro almodóvars western short film is premiering at cannes this year and im really eager to see it if it gets a wide#release#he called it like. his follow up/response to brokeback mountain bc he was one of the directors whod been interested in making bbm but for#some reason it just hadnt worked out#anyways id never change a hair on brokebacks head bc i think its just. absolutely imperfectly perfect#but still cant help but think abt it yanno 🤔 like what the cinematography wouldve looked like or what scenes wouldve been expanded upon#or cut#who the actors wouldve even been at that time#cause like. the film had been made in 2005 but the script had been written since like 1998? it spent smth like 7 yrs not even in production#hell but just trying to get off the ground bc directors were interested but backed out bc male actors at the time didnt wanna touch it#idk its crazy to think abt how much has changed in hollywood#still brokeback posting#brokeback mountain
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man.
#i had this whole post ive been trying to formulate for so so long. abt my issues w ceewilbur and ccwilburisms and#to clarify i do like cwilb he is one of my faves. ik it may seem i wanna bite his arm off smtimes and i Do but#its mostly bitterness directed to the stuff Around him if that makes sense. yk the response to lots abt him#the way the overcompensation abt how he can be villanized swinging into a state where he Cant and never Did and wrong and if you critique#or acknowledge it you get snipped at and demeaned and treated like its a targeted hit on the mentally ill when its like#a mild disagreement with one of the most popular characters in the fanbase Easily#and w cc wil i do think he is just sm guy. im sure he's a nice dude idrc abt the ccs usually but he seems alright enough even tho he has v#goofy ahh takes and opinions but that doesnt make you Evil#but when i dive into what really has made me feel so alienated and snippy its. llmao its the racism yeah lol its super very much the racism#its very very prevelent and very common and very unchallenged. and it like. upsets me so bad its why i keep bailing on making my actual#full detailed post abt it. cuz everytime i try to formulate my thoughts i just get upset and frustrated i wanna rip my hair out#its hard not to feel like im talking to a wall when its so common and unchecked and. ive seen rightful critiques of these spaces and how#ppl interact with them Openly Mocked and brushed aside and treated like 'petty sensative internet drama' that ppl need to 'just get over'#sorry man im a fucking 🇲🇽 i cant exactly log off and Stop Experiencing Racism. and sorry that me feeling alienated and tired and sad abt#it is an inconvenience for you llol#and like idk. im not upset w anyone in particular this isnt a call out post or vague who give a shit and.#eh maybe im stupid but i really really believe a lot of ppl arent doing it on purpose#its just bein parroted ik i get it but#am i rlly not allowed to be tired? why should it feel like my responsibility to hold ppls hand and go hey mb treat poc and darker skinned#ppl like ppl. maybe you should examine why you need so many things made palatable to you through conventionally attractive whiteness first#idk. idk!!! am i crazy who fucking knows#but it has been weighing on me stupid style so bad#the shrinking fanbase and primarily yk common stragglers has just. rlly felt like a magnifying glass to my already existing issues abt it#idk man. idk im tired and im at work its 100°+ and my head hurts so this is all yr getting. lea me alone#and again this isnt a vague who Cares. just wanted to get it off my chest finally#huri.txt#discourse#<- ig
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👍🌟
#text#my body's been doing this thing recently where i like. almost but not quite fall asleep sitting up in the middle of doing shit#like i'll be on the swings and suddenly i cant like. keep my eyes open or keep swinging or hold myself up all the way#& today when i was getting my hair cut i felt like i was going to fall asleep and i was trying to keep my eyes open but i had like#black spots in my vision & i couldnt See for a minute#& it lasts for like. 5 minutes and its happening once or twice a day#also ive been getting enough sleep. so whats up with that#and ive also been taking naps like every single day 7ish hours after getting up cuz thats when my body like#gives up and is like. you cant do ANYTHING but lie in bed until u sleep. godbless!#so that's fun. the nearly falling asleep thing is new i think i dont remember this happening before#being just so so tired always is not new. im used 2 that <3#it's fun ! i love being a human person with a body#anyway. maybe typing it out will help me remember to like. ask someone abt it idk
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Listening to kill all your friends mcr song while editing a weird little limited life ficlet I'll probably never post because, as always, absolutely none of my mcrp ideas play nice with accepted fanon (Except for like 1 or 2 ultimately very superficial things like the colour of grian's wings) and also I hate the fact the tags are conflated with rpf..... because the power went out on our street due to a wholeass thunderstorm. Lightning struck and we heard the crack immediately. No delay. Oh boy. Really great sound but you know kind of awkward to be that close to death beam from sky yk. Also. Power outtage. For the whole area. Not great!
Anyway point being I was writing that ficlet with Devil Doesn't Bargain in mind but accidentally made it very Kill All Your Friends coded. So that's nice. I might post it. Idk.
#errrrrrrr no i wont maintag. lets ramble for five tags so it wont show up in any tags but#i can still organise it on my own blog#despite this tagging function not really ever. yk. functioning. yeah.#thats three. errrrrrr really hope i got Cleo's characterisation right because the concept of their character is so funky shes a zombie in a#game with zombies but shes got sapience!!! and snake hair!!!! she was a gorgon. cool as hell. theyre now dead. cooler.#anyway anyway. trying to get my ideas of multiversal mcrp storylines to work with the little bits and pieces of mcrp i actually know is#more than a bit complicated. i keep a lot of it under the mental umbrella term of CLRAU because its MY au and i do what i want#canon complicit. but not compliant.#thats enough. ordering now;#traffic#3ls4#need another rambling tag it used to be shut up cesca but im not 16 and mean anymore. hmmmm#think abt that later.
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listening to my flatmate while she talks abt hair removal mentally repeating to myself that its not my business what ppl decide to do with their body hair so I need to keep neutral abt the fact that she said it wouldnt get rid of lighter fluffier hair instead of jumping around the kitchen in joy + relief anyway I love body hair
#like THANK GOD the soft downy hair on the backs of necks and arms and lower backs is what keeps me on this planet earth muah#I love underarm hair + bush + tummy trails + leg hair + the fine hair on ppls faces and everywhere else it makes me so happy#I really truly don't understand ppl who don't. or who get insecure abt it like baby cmere let me teach u to love it too#fully respect some ppl just like being smooth etc I'm not here to police bodies. but I personally find body hair soo much sexier#and thats on being a dyke!#not that shes not hot i mean completely the opposite i think shes very pretty + would be all over her any day sorry (not) if u see this <3#buuutttt lets just say im not disappointed they told her that. i rly hope its not an insecurity for her thatd make me so saddd :-(#half past 1am thoughts 4 today ANYWAY gonna try to sleep again i love u everyone goodnight#.diaries
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oh anyway now that i finished the oc poll i totally gotta finish up drawing them in some different outfits bc it will be epic. im working on their autumn/winter designs rn i have 4/5 done BUT i wanna do a bunch of different stuff so it may take me longer than i think lol
#you guys can ignore all this btw this is just me using tumblr as a Rubber Duck to clear up my thought process#i might change up some stuff abt the autumn/winter outfits still#trying to strike a balance between. same but different to their spring/summer looks#like a lot of the hair is the same but slightly longer or more down. and most of them get jackets now. or longer jackets#polaris is the only one that doesnt. i want her to look the least dressed for the cold#bella im having a hard time balancing colors with rn she might be the only one who gets a different color in her outfit#mira i havent started on yet but i already have an idea of what im going to do w her#i always want her to have a cold-shoulder look so thatll stay no matter what lol#al im almost afraid looks TOO casual i feel like i gotta add something to him but idk what#like hes supposed to look casual. but like. the kinda causal where hes trying too hard to look casual. does that make sense?#and saiph. longer jacket means more insufferable hotrods#but his shirt is the same color as his pants still and now that its not a crop top i gotta like#make it clear that its not a jumpsuit. i did find a solution to this however it might be a little too.#whatever its also the opposite of polaris in a way so it works. fire and ice opposites and all
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if i get this job istg my FIRST order of business is doing anything to make me like my appearance more. literally anything. i have shit ive wanted to do for a decade or more im tired of not getting to do any of it
#idk exactly how yet. kind of depends on what they give me#but i want so badly to get a binder and i finally have money. or i could get my ears pierced#depending on whether its an issue w work maybe i dye my hair#levi.txt#i say this every year and never do it but idk. if im being paid decent money? if i have a job with an actual future?#i promised myself id at least try to get a binder by the end of the year anyway. i literally havent liked my chest since i was 12#and its not going away. ive tried ignoring it. and what im doing now isnt sustainable long term#and im so fucking tired to saying i want shit and nothing ever changing its driving me fucking insane#and im so tired of being in this body and not feeling like its actually mine#i do everything for other people. the only stuff i really bother to do for myself appearance wise i do bc i dont have any other choice#i feel like i need to do Something to like. assert ownership if that makes sense. prove that it doesnt belong to anyone else#and i need to stop worrying abt whether people will still like me if i do any of it!! thats part of the problem#'what if youre not attractive with-' you know whats universally attractive? SOMEONE WHO /LIKES THEMSELF/#and if people dont like me happy/confident then they sound like they fucking suck and i dont need them#delete later
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#sometimes. most times. if i cant articulate things properly i feel like my heads gonna explode. which is unfortunate bc i have the#language is hard brain problems. my neurology makes articulation difficult. but i try reguardless. which is sometimes. most times.#exhausting. that words gets thrown around a lot when i describe the patterns of my thoughts. exhausting. and it is i guess. tho id say its#more annoying and frustrating. but maybe its also exhausting. hard to tell when its how u think. but ive been reading a lot of papers this#weekend. enjoying the papers i read. papers about photosynthesis at the edge of habitability. about genetis and the structure and functions#of proteins. and the learning curve is steep but im learning bit by bit. and it just sorta makes me sad bc the way that my brain works has#so damaged the way that i interact with the world and i can see it at every step of my academic career. i dont even kno what to say abt the#past 2 years of my life. from where i stand now its just a black hole of self destruction. y did i do that? i dunno. at the time i was just#following the arbitrary rules and restrictions laid out for me within my head. did these rules have a rational basis? no. not usually. but#thats how it had to be. exhausting. but even then i coukd sometimes see thru to the wonder. and it was agony bc i wasnt allowed to think#abt it. its still agony now but i can feel it more often. maybe that's what happiness is to me. to be so full of wonder that i cant take it#i cant exist in that state or id b nonfunctional. its too big for my chest. it makes me want to scream and weep and pull at my hair. and#and its maddening bc i cant articulate it properly. except to call upon media short hands. there is wonder here. a nightmarish description#but not always. sometimes it was beautiful. theres a reason ive read annihilati0n 5 times despite hating the book. theres a reason i rewatch#the terror nearly once a month. to find beauty in a thing that causes you such terror and pain. theres something about it i can't find the#words for and its driving me nuts. exhausting. but so it goes#unrelated
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#there simply are not enough hours in the day lsjfdk#im trying to get through more of the readings i have for class but i just Know im gna fall asleep into them bc its already like 9:15 and i#i am usually DEAD to the world by 9:30#but i also Just washed my hair and need it to dry#i obvs was at work all day#then after that visited my horse and had dinner w/ my family#and fed my cats and did a teeny bit of cleaning#and i just. do not understand how im supposed to stay on top of everything and still sleep??#and yknow occasionally have time to relax a lil read for pleasure watch my shows do brainless shit#just. ???????????#i dont like this not at all#if/when I enroll in an actual full masters program idk how in tf im going to manage that#what im doing is like masters lite#its graduate level courses for a certificate#so its School and its committing to class work and projects that i cant even Think abt rn bc its tooooo overwhelming#but it's not a fully fledged masters track#tho i do think it could roll into one?#idk either way im not a fan of being an adult w/ adult responsibilities and independence
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