#i start school in like 11 days
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ahhh fuck it’s too close to february for my comfort
#just dandy thoughts#like dude what#i start school in like 11 days#i am not fucking ready#at least i read animal farm ig
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I'm. Alifve .
#levi's ted talks#not ninjago#I WAS OFFLINE FOR THE ENTIRE DAY SORRY CHAT 💔💔💔💔💔#school kicked my ass today this day was shitty af#nearly got kicked out of class. kept sleeping during classes. slept through fuckign break. Unreasonably cold weather#got back home tired af and just. Scrolled twitter until I fell asleep#woke up for dinner. fell asleep Again#woke up an hour before I started w/ my arabic tutor#and here I am now like. an Hour after she left#Yeag 🫶#it's 11 pm rn 💔💔
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sometimes my parents make me want to commit violent crimes
#mine#sorry for putting this on your dash im just angry & have no one i can really bother with this#my brother said he wasnt sure if he wanted to come with us to a castle tomorrow#but hes too young to be home alone all day#so i went to tell my parents bc i sidnt think they wanted to learn that tomorrow morning#instead of even asking why they immediately started with the passive agressive comments#and in an annoyed tone going 'i just dont get what could be so bad about a day of fun with family'#first of all he didnt even say he wasnt goint#second shut the fuck up#he cant speak anymore & is crying#i offer him a bunch of alternatives while my father insults each one and makes it sound ridiculous#while my brother types on his phone#my father starts ranting at my parent about it#as if my brother isnt right fucking there and also 11 years old#im so happy he isnt coming with us#like yeah i never see him but the times i do are always so horrible that im kinda glad about it#he avoids us like the plague & we avoid him back#my parent is fine most of the time#but never in situations like this#if other people are upset in a way that inconviences them theyre shit about it too#anything related to not doing good in school also#and like im fine#im upset sometimes sure but i know i dont deserve this & i can deal with it fine#i dont think my brother deals with it very well though#so im very worried about him#especially bc i think high school is going to be a big struggle for him#possibly more than me#and tbh i think im more of a parental figure to him than our actual parents
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they call me the griever because halfway through a thing I enjoy I’m already sad that it’s closer to being over
#blue chatter#trying to work on not doing this#and just enjoying the thing in the moment#this happens to me a lot with school breaks and such#like ‘oh I love being on spring break but I’m sad bc I’m already 3 days in’#‘oh I love summer vacation so far it’s too bad it’s already a month over’#and I’m like NO!!!!! blue!!!!!!!! you’re missing the point!!!!!!!!#you have the joy *right now* and you are SPOILING IT bc you’re too busy looking ahead to when it will be gone!!!!!!!!!#it happens with friend visits a lot. it’s less bad now but it still happens.#like. the first time I visited friends over spring break I woke up in the early morning of the last morning and just cried#because I only had a few hours left before I had to get on the plane home#and I start hurriedly stuffing seconds and minutes into my mouth and refusing to swallow#because maybe if I just cling extra hard then the time won’t pass-#but it does pass. and that’s okay. and I know that’s okay because life had more joyful things after that moment#had I stayed there on that day I would have been frozen as a much more miserable person#my friends themselves would have been very different people#I mean. fuck. between then and now two of us figured out our genders. both of them got married. they moved somewhere else now.#there’s a lot of little joys that got left behind there. a church they loved. a local park. mountains and windy streets.#but I wouldn’t hold ourselves there. which I try to remind myself when I start crying about lost time again#because yeah. this will end someday. human lifespans aren’t infinite.#but the future is full of life I still have to live. there’s no saying that I can’t have good things again.#and this period of my life is rapidly rushing towards a much more uncertain future and I know that and it’s scary#I know I have about 11 months to make several very adult decisions that will determine a lot of my future#but no matter what I choose this period of my life is not wasted#and I don’t need to hurriedly optimize every second and mourn losing them#and I know that. and I still feel sad and mourny. but that might be more indicative that I’m hungry or smth.
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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I'm so fucking close to dropout school
#this year started like shit#i failed most tests and I'm probably gonna fail most subjects this term#and the grades i get NOW apparatus are important for an access exam for in two years#and access grade on biology is like 11#i want to kms#i have a physics exam tomorrow and a maths one the Wednesday and I can't understand shit#also i couldn't go any single day last week bc i got sick#it's not even like I don't want to study anymore#i just need a year long rest or something#i don't have time or motivation for anything#like I want to draw but I suddenly remember I have school stuff to do but I get distracted very easily and I neither draw or study#maybe this isn't for me#but i also don't want to be an entire year without doing anything#god i wish i could be like my classmates and be good at studying#but I NEVER studied before#i always retained information well without studying#and here i am now possibly with ADHD#I'm gonna tell all of this to my psychologist tomorrow but idk what to do#i don't think my parents will allow me to dropout#i technically can since I'm no longer on obligatory education#i can't do anything#not art#not scp#vent
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So ✨️inspiration✨️ hit me over the head with an anvil on New Year's Day, and in order not to lose that absolutely staggering momentum I have since gathered, I have been devoting as much of my attention and effort as possible into running with it and am going to GO FOR THE FUCKING FINISH LINE THIS TIME OR DIE TRYING.
I've set myself a goal of 1,000 words a day until Easter to hopefully complete a first draft which I can then yeet into the void (my English teachers and English major uncle), and to keep myself on task, I will not be touching any fics until after I have met my word count goal for the day, which means there may well be a lot of days I don't get to fic writing.
The tldr of that is that I'll be writing much less, and therefore posting much less. (I'm also lowkey hesitant to engage in other media for fear of derailing myself but we'll see how long I can manage that...). The good news is there's quite a few things I have that are mostly done, so while I'm going to be sporadic, I won't drop off the globe entirely.
Thanks so much for understanding, and I'll either see you over on ao3 with the batfam or here screaming about my own tiny fandom
#sprite said#sprite... is writing#wow#i am offering fandom citizenship for those interested#sprite's novel#damn haven't used that in a while#3rd time's the charm?#wish me luck and coffee#school starts in like 11 days so....#and I'll be legit STUDYING a DIFFERENT hyperfixation which i have always intended to be yet ANOTHER novel/series....#.....#EVERYTHINGS GONNA BE FINE
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thinking thoughts
#mia's ramblings#thinking abt that one time i was so uncomfortable with my friend's pda thing that i left them behind at the koi pond#like i literally just. stood up. started walking away#i still have no idea why it made me uncomfortable and even now just thinking about it makes me sick#for some reason idrk#also thinking about those times where i was so mentally exhausted from everything that i didnt have the energy to stand up so i just#didnt go to school#obviously i told people i was “sick” or “masakit pakiramdam ko” etc which i mean#its a half truth? atleast ???#and thinking about how i just want to avoid Her bc i do Not want to be dealing with their relationship problems at 6am but yk#the moment she starts up conversation i just#put those thoughts at the back of my head and pretend like im not fucking tired of her bullshit#i could be so. mentally drained. to the point that i just avoid everyone by going to coop on my own or going to 7-11 just to Breathe#but the moment someone talks to me like jack or salve or heck even kui my brain just. forces itself to act “normal” and by normal i mean no#-mentally drained yk?#like the moment literally anyone starts talking to me the thoughts of being mentally tired just get pushed back and idrk how to tell people#-that im mentally exhausted without sounding rude so i just#let my brain just bottle it up until im so tired mentally that i literally cannot function#i think its called being overstimulated? yea#which yeah basically this shit happens every. day. until my brain just goes nope youre shutting down no school for today also youre getting#-a fever too#which like??? idk why it happens???#and its not like i dont want to talk to them either#like#obviously i do#but talking to anyone when im like this makes it feel like an obligation#which fucking sucks because i dont like being obligated to do stuff i just want to do it because well#i want to??#and i feel bad for peewee bc usually he'll talk to me when im at my limit so my responses are very short and yea#this is why i always say 'im tired' whenever people ask how im doing
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thinking about nora again
#fallout#okay first of all her full maiden name is lenore dubrovhsky#she's somehow related to the russian diplomat who is the grandfather of natalia dubrovhsky#maybe his niece? idk but she immigrated to the us after meeting nate during his tour because she claimed she was IN LOVE#i imagine she was in her late teens and nate was in his early 20s#and she falls for him and he promises he'll help her with going to college in the US and they'll have an equal marriage yadda yadda#so they get married and nora becomes a lawyer#so they've been married around seven years and she's doing her training as a legal secretary when oops! she becomes pregnant#(nate sabotaged her birth control but shhh she doesn't know that)#so nate persuades her into putting her career on hold just for a little while until they can start putting their son in daycare#(shaun takes heavily after nora's side of the family to the point nate jokes about whether his DNA had any say at all)#(he also later joins the army and dies in action)#so nora's being kept at home all the time. taking care of the kid. cooking all the meals. cleaning the house. barely any time for herself#and she gets so frazzled she gets into a minor car accident while taking shaun home from the doctor#nate freaks out and confiscates her car keys so now she can barely get out of the house without him on her arm#barely any adult social interaction and any family she could have had keeping her company was all the way over in russia#so she has a quickie with a door-to-door salesman and when her next kid pops out with red hair#the lack of resemblance to nate stops being funny#he agrees not to leave her but says he can't trust her at home alone anymore so he gets her a job at shaun's elementary school as a teacher#this happened around when shaun was 11 and he's harbored a hatred for his mom and his sister ever since#nate promised to raise the girl like his own but he's distant with her which rubbed off on shaun#so the girl. i'm calling her annabelle. TOTAL mommy's girl. wants to be just like her#so when shaun's seventeen he fakes his enlistment papers so he can be enlisted early and dies in combat#i imagine nora misses the baby boy she raised and is utterly upset he turned out this way#and by 'this way' i mean i imagine him as a patriotic misogynist and nora does not hold kind feelings towards the US for various reasons#nate was proud of his son for dying for a cause he believed in#so when annabelle's six nora gets pregnant again and that's when i imagine the bombs drop#the school nora works for is a really privileged private school (nate comes from old money) and that's where the cryo pods come in!#i imagine it would be like a 'saving america's youth for a brighter tomorrow' thing idk#also the day the bombs dropped nora killed nate before heading off to work. woulda been totally caught had the bombs not dropped HEYOOOO
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My dog has been having senior moments, such as randomly forgetting what she's doing or trying to walk into a street, and I've been calling her "Mr. President" when it happens.
Like, "No, Mr. President, we can't walk into oncoming traffic. That's how we get killed!"
#it makes me sad that she's so old. and it's only in the past couple months that she's been doing this.#she's still overall very physically healthy. we go on walks almost every day and as long as she wants to.#and she eats well and takes vitamins and her teeth are kept clean and her claws trimmed and her coat clean#but she's slipping a little mentally#she's 11 which is old as hell for a dog her size. the vet said golden retriever mixes (which is what i assume she is) usually live to 10.#and she's not even started going white too much. just around her snoot and a little on her paws.#so when i take her in the vet always assumes she's like 6#but I've had this crusty old lady since shortly before i was even legally an adult#and I'm scared for when she does die because my other dog dying damn near made me commit suicide#and like I've said. I've had her a lot longer.#if she were a person she'd be going into middle school. like.#and she's had her share of weird health things. she's had a thyroid issue since she was 4. she has a weird skin condition.#she's had a couple surgeries and has scars from being attacked by random dogs (not my fault. she's well trained)#she's fallen a couple times recently but the vet says that's normal for her age#she went blind then wasn't blind and is going blind again#her hearing is starting to get shit too#I'm just so worried about her. this dog is a person to me. she's more real than my family in my mind.#and my cat is cool and all. but she's not a people. she's just a cat.#i guess the best i can hope for her is she lives the rest of her life comfortably and can die peacefully in her sleep#i think I'd completely come unglued from reality if i lost another dog to surprise everything cancer#but that's what I'm most scared of#because it came on so quickly and no one caught it despite me being that person who takes their dogs to the vet over a cough#she's sleeping right now and making goofy ass dog dream sounds. and i know i won't hear that any more sometime soon.#dog#old dog#senior dog#clio#joe biden mention
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The fucking disconnect is so real.
#theo's thoughts#Story time for the people who love reading tags bc I love sharing things in the tags#So I work at a therapeutic day school and this past school year like four school days before Thanksgiving break I was asked a question#The question was if I would be willing to step up and be a long term sub in a middle school classroom#To me this was less of a question and more of a hey we need someone to do this and you're who the assistant teacher asked for#Which cool yeah fine I'll give it a go I really like that person (the assistant teacher who asked for me) and I trust her judgement on this#I was asked and accepted on Thursday. Friday‚ Monday‚ and Tuesday happen. Then three day Thanksgiving break#When we got back from break I was the teacher and it was rough at first and it sure as hell was never easy but I enjoyed it#My formal teacher observation was my boss basically going like so I see you doing all the things and the basis is there#But it's not being followed through on because of behaviors from the most unmedicated classroom I've seen in all my years working education#And now for the summer they're changing 2/3 staff that were in the room and who even knows who the teacher will be (a new hire? Maybe?)#If there truly is a new hire coming in (fed to the wolves immediately btw what a dick move) but that new hire will be the fourth teacher#These kids have had in a year? A year and a half max. The fourth. After the only thing I've been repeatedly told by admin for months#Is that we need to be stable and consistent because we may be these kids' only reliable source of that consistency and stability?#So you're going to have me come in and tell me I've done such a great job and then tell me you're moving me to 'give me a break'#Trauma informed care my fucking ass. I hope those kids raise fucking hell over it.#The brutal satisfaction of watching your own crops burn and knowing that the invaders will starve is great and all but these are kids!#They're barely just about to be teenagers (11 at the youngest and 14 at the oldest) and this is what you're going to do to them?#Yes they can be complete assholes and are often dicks to one another but they're in our school for a fucking reason? I don't get it.#Then two hours later after being told abt the change‚ the clinical director puts me as one of the three main recipients in an email#Saying that there's going to be a new student starting in that room in the summer and the real icing on the cake?#This all happens on last day before summer break. we're out of session for two weeks now and you're just dropping these changes on us now?#God I'm so fucking tired
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Ugh I was excited for today until I found out I'd have to spend it with people that actively make me hate being alive hate the future and drain me off all energy physically mentally spiritually like a vampire I can't stand to be around her she is the definition of stupidity and even then that's generous as fuck this bitch has filled her brain with so much garbage I watch her brain cells die at alarming rates every single time she uses her vocal cords her giggles make me want to jam a sewing needle into my ear repeatedly so I can never have to hear it again its a friendly reminder that my parents decisions this time my dad's constantly makes me want to die
#i cant even shes just so dangerously stupid#she thinks energy drinks with natural caffeine are safe to give people who have been told by doctor doing take caffeine with thia meds#ahe thinks of a child is CHOCKING to lie them face down n rub their back#she has the evangelical woman voice worse then women I've met n that cult ahe giggles constantly and behaves like the stereotype lil german#boy just got a lollipop over.... everyone and everything whe acts likw an 11 year old I just got the first boyfriend and all they could talk#is how perfect their boyfriend is and they're so pretty good for that I pulled a boyfriend is and it's like a God thing that they met how#SOOOOOOOOOO in love while constantly nonstop touching ahe has to be touching him her hand on his thigh her atm linked with his her heaf on#his chest she has to be in her lap they make out all over the place IT'S DISGUSTING AND EMBARRASSING STOP SWAPPING SPIT#she started a i. hwr words 'love diary of their love journey' they hadn't been dateing 2 months her kids are spoiled fake Instagram bitches#with such shitty views on politics SHE'S A TRUMP FAN GIRL SHENLOVES TRUMP MY DAD BROUGHT IN A TRUMPIE#there's so much i cant even say because even admitting it on tumblr is too embarrassing i wanted.to.likw her i liked her the first day but#THE MORE I GET TO KNOW GET THE MORE N MORE N MISS RED FKAGS#she threw away all my siblings clothes school books toys uniforms for sports their in toys i bought them that week make up jewelry#in the disguise of helping clean house#while i was at the hospital the kids call me in tears i call her beg her to wait and nope.ahe didn't i found the bags by the curb i brought#my dad sided with hwr because 'she didn't mean any harm she didn't know sje was throwing them away'#my mom hasn't bsen dead a year he started dating right after ahe died#hes talking about marrying this woman this woman who has never had an honest educated thought once in her life#WHO ASLO SPEMDA MONEY LIKE A DRUNKEN SAILOR AHE CAME FROM A WITCH FAMILY HER LAST TWO HUSBANDA WERE TOUCH SHE HAS NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE COMMON#SHE SPENDS LIKE SHE STILL HAS MONEY WHEN SHE DOSE NOT AND IT'S LIKE YOU DID NOT JUST SPEND OVER 180 DOLLARS N PASTRIES GOD#SHES SO FUCKIN STUPID AND EVERY HOLIDAY SINCE MY MOM DIED WVERY FAMILY GWT TOGETHER BECAUSE WE DON'T TALK OR.DO ANYTHING WITH MOM'S SIDE#OF THE FAMILY ANYMORE SHE'S THERE EVERY WINGLE MOTHER FUCKIN WEEKEND SHES HERE I'M EXHAUSTED SHES PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY DRAINING TO BE ARO#OUND SHES LIKE IF SOMEONE TOOK A GOLDEN RETRIEVER ON A DIET OF JUST FUCKIN COCAINE LITTLE GERMAN BOY WITH LOLLY AND CRUELLA DEVILLE AND FUSE#THEN TOOK A STRAW AND DRANK ALL THE SMARTS OUT OF THAT BEING#UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGH MY DADS GOIN TO NARRY RHIA BITCH SHES GOIN TO TRY TO BE A MOTHER TO ME AND MY SIBLINGS AND THEY'RE GOIN TO#be so fucked up because her kids are not ok SHE FUCKED THEM OVER BAD SHE HAS FOUR KIDS ALL ADULTS THEY'RE JUST WOW#I HATE MY LIFE I HATE WHAY FUTURE MY FAMILY IS GOIN TO BE THE GOOD THINGS IS I WON'T HAVE TO STAY I CAN GO N MAKE A NEW ONE WITH MY WIFE#FOR ME BUT MY SIBLINGS ARE FUCKED AND ANYTIME I WANT TO VISIT MY FAMILY YANDERE GOLDEN RETRIEVER BITCH WILL BE THERE WORMING HWR WAY IN#SHES CONSTANTLY CALLING N TEXTING MY DAD NONSTOP OF SHE'S NOT NEXT TO HIM AND IF HE CAN'T RESPOND INSTANT SHE FREAKS OUT N BUGS ME
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*voice of a girl that zonned out 2 hours ago and does not now what is going on*: I Sleept 0 hours last night and is totally functioning
#i have been cursed by the insomina gods#yesterday i rejoyenced realising i regularly was gotton 7-8 hours of sleep in the nights of the holiday period#and overall my insomina has been looking up recently#like im talking up to 6 hours on a school night sometimes! (yes sometimes sschool starts at 11 but i still hav to lissen so is still school)#so the gods cursed me for being a celebratory duck and made me get 0 hours of sleep#no ajustment period to return to my insomiac fays to get used to the feeling of heavy eyelids like brics i cant hold open#this was w no changed to my routine btwwww en no extra stress specifically on that day i had not before had#so yeah fate was basicly like now that you have engnolged that ur improving i have to put you back to squere 1#like a smakes and ladders board game but with numbers on the blokths#*SQUARES that js the word#how is it that this time last year i was regularly dealing w this shit and going through a functioning day like this#cant be me now#i have been spoiled by the sleep god and now i no longer now how to work on 0 hours of sleep an unmedicated brain and a crushing headache#(and it used to be that the days were i did get sleep i only got ever like 3-5 hours never any of this 7 hour shit i had saved up yet i#surviveded) i am no longer surviving succesfuly#my brain is too priocrepied trying to kwep my eyes open it cant think properly#there was a market today but i dint have the energy to go wich is a shame#also i am litterlay buried in dealdimes that i couldnt motivate myself to work on before i insominaed again so idk what ill do now#cry mabey but i am not feeling tears it is the buring jeeping my eyes open and they are not tears they are the regret of 3am me#insominac#insomnia#adhd#sleep#fail at life if lige is sleep and it is sleep in actuality#NO SLEEP BITCH LIKE COULD YOU NOT GAVE AT LEADT GIVEN ME 1 OR 2 HOURS JUST FOR FUNSIESES
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2005 British Grand Prix - Juan Pablo Montoya, Fernando Alonso + Kimi Räikkönen(my personal post-race highlights)
+ Bonus Jenson Button
#me at this race: 'go girl give us nothing!'#sry it just wasnt very exciting and yes ik there is important context but still! no champagne! how was this more boring than the US podium#but gotta respect kimi for still taking a swig despite champagne spraying not being permitted#also sry ik that last gif of nando is super random i just think it is very cute when they drop the bottles down to their teams#okay i think everyone def cursed jenson into not getting a podium by constantly talking about how cool it'd be if he won his home race#but heyyyyyy p2 on the starting grid so thats sick and im glad they showed him post-race#also i will never get over how good the 2005 bar honda racing suit looks like MY GOD ITS PEAK#(ugh ik its reasonable since im back in school but im still kinda disappointed i havent been able to keep up with my prior race a day plan)#(went from 9 races in one wk to barely 3 races across 2 wks wow my range is incredible!! *crying inside*)#juan pablo montoya#fernando alonso#kimi raikkonen#jenson button#we do a little bit of f1#2005 british gp#(2005: 11/19 races watched)#formula 1#f1
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.
#i joke about it and all but like. i cannot emphasize enough what an impact it had on me to be uhhhhhb#micro-institutionalized in the way that i was for the first 14 years if my life#and i am honestly going to count the time i soent in ''elementary'' school bc it wasn't a normal school. it was a charter school#that began as a parent organized alternative and swiftly devolved into an authoritarian nightmare#a bunch of people who were simply not ready to educate children let alone ''problem'' children#of which there were MANY because that school got all the kids who had been turned out of public school for behavioral issues#there were hardline rules about literally everything. normal childhood behavior was pathologized and punished and as a kid#you had no way to understand WHY#and so many of your peers were having problems because ofc those ''problem'' kids were typically severely traumatized#or were actively being abused#so even if it wasn't happening TO you you were being exposed to it in a hundred little ways every day#so i was confused and miserable all the time AND was struggling academically bc i had undiagnosed adhd#(or possibly just trauma?? i honestly neither know nor care which came first at this point)#so my mom pulled me and my brother out. him at 11 and me at 6 and said ''i'll just do it myself'' and#raised us in a way that wasn't religious but resembled evangelical or lds stuff#i couldn't watch commercial tv or listen to popular music bc my parents didn't want me exposed to what they considered inappropriate#and while i still had extracurriculars i was always the odd one out bc i had no exposure to pop culture or normal socialization#for my age group#it resulted in me always feeling alone and like i didn't belong. and since most of my social life was my parents and their friends#that was the perfect soup for adultification#i was fine with adults. put me with my peers and i was a mess#it made the transition to high school incredibly difficult but i DID make it#but that was only 4 years still in an institution. everything began to unravel once i tried to move into anything resembling ''real life''#and then my dad's suicide which was a major trauma in early adulthood which only made my mom's grip on us tighten#i did get to START life until 26. not really. and it's just been a game of catch up for the last 5 years#and im so *angry* at the unfairness of it all. at the time and experience and milestones that were taken from me. at how i blamed myself#for it for so many years and the problems i developed because of it all. dissociation and substance abuse and suicidality#the fear that still has a death grip on me#the courage required to just exist#it's *exhausting*
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idly wondering with what experts would diagnose me if I was 100% truthful and could remember every single thing that happened to me and every single quirk I developed because of it <3
#like esp. at the start my mother would sit in on all my therapy sessions#and i didn't yet grasp what therapy was for at age 11 so i just talked about my day#and showed the nice lady my latest drawings orz#all that got me was a 'oh that kid is just shy and a little scared going to school just force him to go it'll be fine <3'#never said anything about the nefarious bullying or the things going on at home#because at that point i was so naive i thought it was NORMAL#and other therapists later on only ever focused on my weight and how sloppy i dressed. never addressing all my other issues so i gave up#never talked about all the other stuff for a while.#also that ONE situation i can barely remember but that fucked me up the most i think back in kindergarten... never told anyone about it#except a friend last year. wondering what therapists would say about that if i ever opened up about that to them#after a bit of thought it'd also explain my aversion to being touched/examined by doctors in that area. great.#ANYWAY just wondering <333#also all the 'negative' feelings i immediately throw in the repression bin. like jealousy frustration anger annoyance entitlement etc#been told one too many times that these things are ugly and shouldn't be displayed. should stop acting like a spoiled brat#never learned how to handle any of that <333#recently have taken to being overly analytical about it all. trying to find what triggers these emotions and then rationalising them away <3#they do still fester deep in my soul tho <333#good thing i'm so good at repression that i forget about it all eventually until something makes me remember and then i suffer#but then i repress again and i can live in blissful ignorance again <333333#wish i could be a dumb silly billy more often and not think about things too much like i usually do haha#maybe that's why i'm so drawn to and fadcinated by the bimbocore subculture/movement...... 🤔#anyway anyway just thinking haha
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