#i could be so. mentally drained. to the point that i just avoid everyone by going to coop on my own or going to 7-11 just to Breathe

[maiaacchiato]

thinking thoughts

[bunni-v1]

Heyyaaa

May I request dorm leaders finding out you’re a girl please? If it’s too much u can make a part 2

Dorm Leaders Find Out You're a Girl?!?!?! (NOT CLICKBAIT!!!)

TW: Mentions of transphobia (nothing awful, just literally dropping the word lol); Idia is creepy

Info: Riddle, Leona, Azul, Kalim, Vil, Idia, Malleus x Reader (Platonic or Romantic); Fluff, Comedy(?)

🍓This one is gonna be long, like 5.3k words long. I love writing the dorm leaders so damn much <3 Besides, there’s been a long wait for this one, so I hope I make it worth it! You might see some favoritism shine through, but I did my best to keep it even. Hope you all enjoy!

Tags: @kierancaz @danchann33 @arashrita @the-ace-reader @akiyamasmizuki @kitsun369 @bloomstruck (I think I got all of you)

First Years

Ortho Sebek

Second Years

Third Years

-Okay so, I know we’re all wondering, how the hell do you get away with hiding your gender for so damn long?

-Firstly, those ceremonial robes do great at hiding the figure. The only tell would maybe be your hair, but feminine men aren’t unwelcome at Nightraven College, so you mostly get a few questioning stares and that’s it.

-Secondly, Crowley wants to save his own fucking ass. He already has to hide from the press that he has a MAGICLESS student from ANOTHER DIMENSION here, he doesn’t need the fact that you are a woman ALSO on his plate. So, obviously, he helps you hide your gender from others.

-Grim knows, of course, and he keeps his mouth shut for a few yummy cans of tuna (and threats of being expelled from Crowley <3)

-Even when you were just a janitor, he couldn’t have the rumor that he put a “helpless” young woman to work. (Like it wouldn’t be expected.)

-So how do you two do it?

-Baggy ass uniform. Crowley gave you at least three sizes too big.

-Your figure is completely hidden. Sure, you look completely homeless, but at least you’re hidden.

-For your voice, you simply deepen it. After some point, you blackmail Crowley into giving you a potion to help with it, since it's so taxing on your voice. (Or maybe your voice is naturally deep!)

-Sam provides you (for an unfairly pretty penny (not too different from your original world…)) any feminine hygiene products you might need.

-Honestly, you’re set for being cared for, but it’s the adjustment period that’s the hardest part. 

-Truly, it’s very jarring to suddenly be thrown into both a magical world and be isolated in a man's world with nowhere to hide.

-At least in your world you had other women who could understand your struggles. Here though? You’re completely alone.

-You notice how… messy some of these guys could be. How some of them smell… really rancid. -How rough they were with you and each other.

-Honestly, it’s kinda eye-opening. The way men show affection to each other is oddly refreshing to watch and experience!

-Ace and Deuce specifically are a good… trial run.

-That’s not what we’re here to talk about though…

-For the most part, it's incredibly easy to hide yourself for the first while on campus. Everyone on campus is so self-absorbed that they don’t bother questioning you.

-Your only real risk factor is Savannaclaw, but it's easy to avoid those guys (minus Jack, of course).

-However, you can only hide your gender for so long… It’s mentally draining to keep up this facade all the time around people you care about.

-So… how do they find out?

Riddle

-Riddle is the last student in Heartslabyul to find out.

-It’s not like he did anything to you for you to hold off on telling him (you know, other than the whole almost killing you that one time thing), it’s just that you don’t feel inclined to tell him. 

-Simple as that.

-He also really has no reason to question your gender. 

-Riddle didn’t have must interaction with people his own age until he came to night raven college, he doesn’t have the same social ideologies as other people do.

-Nightraven college is really his first touch with society outside of his mothers very watchful, conservative eye.

-So, excuse him for not picking up on stupid little gendered norms that the other students do.

-In his eyes, you dress like a man, you act (sort of) like the other male students, and you prefer he/him pronouns. 

-There’s nothing more to it then, right? If you identify as a man, he has no reason not to treat you as such - nor should he suspect you would hide your gender like that.

-Besides, this is an all boys school! Crowley wouldn’t allow you to attend here unless you were also a boy… right?

-He is aware there are exceptions — and you are already QUITE the exception, but surely Crowley wouldn’t be so cruel as to force a young woman to attend an all boys academy.

-Ah, sweet Riddle, ever in denial.

-He isn’t STUPID though. He notices how brotherly Trey is to you. He knows (and has heard) your many “secret sleepovers” with Cater.

-He ignores these things and doesn’t comment on them simply because, well, he likes you!

-He helps to tutor you sometimes, and he’s gotten to know you through that, and he really does come around on enjoying your presence.

-So, he ignores Trey and Cater’s odd behaviors for your sake.

-You keep him and his dorm members in high spirits, why would he want to shoo something like that away?

-He doesn’t really questionthings until he… overhears a conversation between Deuce and Ace. (A rather loud one, for how supposedly secret this topic was meant to be).

-One of them had gotten in trouble with a professor, and he was going to give them a stern scolding when he overheard what they were talking about.

-“Deuce, dude, you’re gonna want to sit down for this one.”

“What is it, I’m busy trying to finish my potionology homework.”

“Seriously this one is crazy, you’re not ready for for it.”

“Ace, if you’re just messing with me I’m going to leave.”

“Dude, the prefect is a girl.”

“…What?”

-Riddle did not bother the two after that. In fact, he just walked back to his room to sit and think about what he just overheard.

-It DID make sense. You didn’t quite fit in with everyone else for reasons outside of your otherworldly origin.

-You acted differently than the typical guy here at NRC, and you seemed to get along with the peers that were more ‘traditionally feminine’ best.

-It would explain Trey’s coddling and Cater’s secretiveness.

-Still, he didn’t want to assume. This was Ace and Deuce, and Ace could just be messing around with Deuce.

-So, at your next tutoring session, he broaches the subject as politely as possible.

-“So, prefect, I have… overheard something that I wanted to ask you about.”

“Oh no, am I in trouble because of Ace and Deuce again.”

“Not… technically… I did, however, overhear them talking about… you being a woman.”

“…I’m gonna kill them.”

“I could collar them for you, if that would help.”

-The confirmation was reassuring for Riddle in multiple ways. 

-1) Ace isn’t as terrible of a person as the thought he was.

-2) He wasn’t crazy in noticing the slight differences in you and your other peers.

-Now, you and Riddle aren’t exactly super close by any means, so your interactions with each other are limited to when you’re either being tutored or with friends in Heartslabyul.

-However, he is notably more nervous than he usually is.

-He doesn’t have some super secret crush on your all of the sudden, he just… never really had a chance to interact with women before.

-His mom kept him very sheltered from the opposite gender, so he has little to no experience with them.

-On top of that, because of his mother, he does have a slight fear of women. He’s afraid he’s going to upset you and you’ll blow a fuse on him or something.

-You have to assure him that you don’t bite and you won’t suddenly start screaming at him for no reason, and then he begins to relax a bit.

-Still, he’s very sweet and gentlemanly to you.

-If you need help with anyone around campus, you should come to him and he will have them dealt with accordingly.

Leona

-Leona “Respects Women” Kingscholar.

-Leona has SLIGHTLY worse smell than Ruggie, but he also knew immediately upon your arrival that you were a girl.

-In fact, he knew you weren’t a trans man, because they smell distinctly different from the typical woman.

-There aren’t many trans people in the Savannah though, so Ruggie not being able to pick up on that doesn’t really shock him.

-Leona, however, has smelled and seen plenty of trans people in his life time — you aren’t one of them.

-He won’t lie, he’s definitely interested in you. Women where he comes from are big and strong and proud, you’re just kind of plain.

-He keeps his ever curious eye on you though, because he’s interested in how you might navigate this whole thing.

-Now don’t get it twisted, he doesn’t care about you, he’s curious about you. 

-If you were to ask him for help on something, he wouldn’t offer it. (Not that you would, you seem particularly averse to him).

-However, if he were to see some creep trying to… well… creep on you, he’d chase them away without ever having you know he did.

-He was your secret bodyguard who wouldn’t admit it even if you held a knife to his throat.

-Still, he stayed out of your way and you stayed out of his. 

-A symbiotic relationship that you weren’t even aware existed… until you got in his way.

-Like Ruggie, when you start getting a little too involved in his ahem business, he gets pretty damn annoyed.

-You’re not exactly a threat to start, but you are a little trouble maker. If you find out what he’s up to, you’ll ruin his plans completely, and he can’t have that.

-However, he’s not exactly comfortable “taking care of you” like he is his male peers.

-He respects women, okay, you can’t blame him for not wanting to purposefully hurt you. (If his mom and brother found out, he’d never hear the damn end of it)

-He sends out Ruggie to scare you off, explicitly telling him he can’t hurt you on purpose.

-He knows Ruggie already has an idea of what’s going on, so he doesn’t have any qualms with telling him to be careful with you.

-Still, despite all this, he doesn’t really broach the topic until he’s forced to.

-He’s made it known to you, at this point, that he knows your secret. 

-He hasn’t caused you any extra trouble since his overblot, and he keeps his dorm members off your back, so you have no reason to interact with him… until, again, you get yourself into trouble.

-This time it’s YOU dragging him into your mess, despite him wanting nothing to do with it.

-You are convincing, though, so he gives and allows you to stay in his dorm room — rent free! Isn’t he so nice.

-Jack offers himself for protection if you need it, but you can see that Ruggie is quite bemused with the whole situation, so you decide to turn him down.

-Leona hasn’t tried anything yet, and he really could if he wanted to.

-You decide you can trust him. (You have to trust him).

-Then presents the issue of sharing a bed.

-Leona isn’t a weird pervert, okay. He isn’t absolutely leaping at the idea to be in bed with you — he’s so sorry.

-Honestly, it makes him a bit… uncomfortable.

-Sharing a bed is something you do with family or someone you’re involved with, not the weird magic-less kid who’s at least three years too young for you.

-So, Leona, ever the women’s rights activist, approaches you with a proposition.

-“Listen, I know you’re a woman and I know you know that. We’re not sharing a bed, there ain’t no way that’s happening.”

“Oh, so would you like the poor helpless homeless woman to sleep on the floor? How cruel can you be Leona.”

“Shut up, I’m not gonna do that to you. Listen, you can have the bed all to yourself and I’ll sleep on the couch, so long as you promise not to tell a single soul about this.”

“I promise.”

-You immediately tell Ruggie the next morning, and he is sure to make sure Leona never forgets it.

-Living with Leona for the short period of time that you do is very insightful!

-He’s actually pretty funny, much smarter than he lets on, and almost brotherly to you. Which does not fit the M.O. you built of him in your head.

-He’s gruff and pushy, but he does it out of genuineness.

-You end up getting really close to him because of it. 

-His quiet and laid-back demeanor are a break from the chaos of everyone else on campus, and he doesn’t make a big deal out of anything so you can just complain and he nods along unbothered.

-Only thing you notice that upsets him is when you bring up guys who bother you.

-Those guys tend to stop bothering you shortly after. How strange…

Azul

-Azul is hands down the last person on campus you want knowing about this.

-Riddle, Ruggie, Trey, Cater and pretty much everyone with half a brain tell you to stay as far away from him as possible.

-You see him in the halls sometimes, and he doesn’t look to bad. Unapproachable, sure, but he’s a rather pretty guy. Well put together and seemingly very smart from what you’ve been told.

-He helped to subdue Grim in the opening ceremony, so you know he’s magically capable. He’s also a house warden, so that goes unspoken, I suppose.

-He seems interested in you, from what you can tell. He always waves at you when he does see you in a sort of fake friendly kind of way. 

-You’ve seen him and his little (large, very large) goonies admiring ramshackle before.

-You’ve also politely asked them to not do that when you moved in, because it freaks you out a lot. To which they all gave you very eerie smiles and walked away.

-They remind you of a very small mafia, and you decided to heed your friends warnings because of that.

-You do so successfully for a long time too. Other than the few previously stated interactions, Azul seems un-inclined to bother you, and you don’t want to catch his leering eyes.

-Little do you know, Azul has a much more watchful eye on you that you initially thought.

-Sure, you don’t have much to offer him magic wise, but you have ramshackle. Oh, how he wants ramshackle.

-You are key to obtaining it, he just… has to find something on you first.

-You’re so painfully average. Perhaps a little more pretty in the face than his other peers, but you sacrifice that with the atrociousness of your uniform. 

-Truly, nothing about you is different.

-He almost gives up until Grim delivers him an opportunity in a pretty little bow.

-You agree to his contract out of the goodness of your heart, just like he knew you would. So sweet and kind are you, to practically hand him the deed to ramshackle on a silver platter.

-He notices, however, that Jade grows a very… sudden fascination with you.

-Sure, he told both Jade and Floyd to keep and eye on you and keep you in like, but for Jade to be so interested… very odd.

-Then, shortly after, Floyd’s own interest is piqued. Alright… less odd than Jade, but to have both of their eyes on you must mean he’s missing something. (I know I previously said that Floyd found out after Azul, but I was stupid and wrong and you should never listen to me when I’m talking about Floyd).

-He tries to get it out of them by any means, Asking, blackmailing, manipulation. He really does try, but their lips are sealed tight.

-It frustrates him to no end that they know something he doesn’t, and that he can’t figure out this very big secret.

-It stumps him for so long, because he’s looking in all the wrong places for the answer.

-Meanwhile, you know that Jade and Floyd know and you are TERRIFIED waiting for Azul to use this against you.

-The suspense starts killing you and making you anxious enough that its affecting sleep, so you decide to bite the bullet and arrange a meeting with him.

-Azul is honestly delighted, because he was just going to outright force the truth from you at this point.

-“I’m glad you set up this meeting, I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

“I know… I’ve been pretty nervous about it since Jade and Floyd started pestering me.”

“Before I talk about what I want to, I’d like to hear what you have to say. I’m a good listener after all.”

“Too good, if you ask me. Uhm, anyway, so I know that Jade and Floyd to you that I’m a girl already, but I’m really hoping you would just leave me be. You owe me after all.”

“…You’re a girl?”

“Did they not tell you…?”

-what. What? WHAT?!?!?!

-How could he not tell, he feel so incredibly stupid. Its so obvious now that he thinks about it.

-No wonder Jade and Floyd wouldn’t stop teasing him about it.

-He agrees not to let the secret out — he DOES owe you his life, after all. This is a minor trade.

-However, he does not mentally recover from this revelation for a while.

-He doesn’t treat you very different, I suppose. He’s more gentlemanly with you, and is generally more friendly, but those things come from saving a persons life regardless.

-He is, surprisingly, willing to ensure your whole gender thing doesn’t get out so long as you work a few hours at the monster lounge.

-Probably the best at keeping it to himself and making sure it doesn’t get out. You wouldn’t expect any less with Azul, though.

Kalim

-You and Kalim don’t really have much of a chance to interact.

-He seems sweet enough, and you know he’s much kinder than the rest of the dorm leaders, but you don’t really have any reason to interact with him.

-Kalim also doesn’t think too much of you. 

-You caused a ruckus at the entrance ceremony, that’s for sure, but you kinda blend into the background.

-Besides he’s a party animal — constantly hosting these huge parties at his dorm just because he can.

-As someone trying to keep out of trouble and hide such a huge secret… yeah, parties aren’t exactly your forte.

-So, when you get roped in to coming to Scarabia over winter break, Kalim is pleasantly surprised!

-He’s always excited to make a new friend, and you’re pretty infamous around school, so he’s extra excited to get to know you.

-Kalim has no reason to question anything about you, like most other people would.

-However, he isn’t stupid. He has plenty of younger sisters, and he picks up on social queues better than you’d expect.

-He definitely suspects something is off, but he figures you would tell him if something was up. 

-You actually find him quite easy to be around. He’s someone who makes it easy to let your walls down and just relax with.

-Despite his sudden mood shifts, he always makes sure that you’re happy and healthy and doing the best you can be in your position.

-However, you run out of the magical potion that deepens your voice pretty quickly, and you have to go back to dramatically straining your voice.

-You sound sick, honestly, and it makes Kalim worry. 

-He figures that you’re forcing yourself to deepen your voice so you’re still perceived as a man.

-Instead of asking you directly, as Kalim does, he goes to Jamil.

-“Jamil…”

“What do you need, Kalim?”

“Don’t you think somethings… off with the prefect?”

“Off? What are you talking about, nothings off with them.”

“No, I mean… do you think they might be… a girl?”

“…Kalim, that’s very rude to say. You need to be more respectful.”

“…You’re right, I’m sorry. Could we get him something to soothe his voice though, it sounds rough.”

-Kalim is a lot more watchful of you after that. He just… knows something is wrong, but he doesn’t want to be rude.

-It’s actually you who comes to him when no one is around for help.

-“Kalim, uhm, I need your help.”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“So, I’m pretty sure you know, but I’m not a guy… I’m a girl, and I really need help hiding it. The longer I’ve been here, the harder it’s been on me.”

-Sweetheart he is, he promises to both help you and keep your secret to himself — and he does both surprisingly well!

-He offers his private bathroom to you so you can shower in peace. 

-It’s honestly the best bath you’ve ever had with all his sweet smelling oils. Your skin feels so smooth and renewed.

-Still, even with this, you still don’t feel safe with anyone else — plus the fact that Kalim has random and horrifying mood shifts. You have to flee.

-And yet you still get dragged into more trouble with the octatrio. You still get exposed to the whole dorm by a crazed Jamil, and now have to deal with the horror that they’ll tell everyone.

-Kalim feels awful, and thus shows his forgiveness in the best way he can: giving gifts.

-You get tons of apology gifts from him in the coming months. Baskets of the best shower stuff you’ve ever had; a new, better fitted but still innocuous uniform; enough tuna to keep grim satisfied for years (and sweets that you happily keep to yourself).

-It’s so nice, but you start to feel bad. It feels like you’re taking advantage of his guilt, when you’re not really upset at anyone involved anymore.

-You’re welcome at Scarabia any time. None of his dorm members will ever cause you any trouble, and you can dress and act and sound however you want within Scarabia’s walls. 

Vil

-Miss beauty queen himself. We love Vil, we Stan Vil, we adore Vil… 

-Oh my god he’s a pain in the ass though, especially for you.

-He sees through you in an instant.

-Truly, Vil finds you to be more of a little pest than anything.

-You are constantly in trouble, you are magic less, and you decided to needlessly hide your gender.

-The last one is the worst offense in his eyes.

-Vil is someone who does not value gender, but expression. Your gender does not matter as much as your expression, therefore you hiding your expression irks him.

-He’s understanding enough in the fact that he knows you might be doing this to protect yourself, but he finds it stupid and useless, because you’re easy to see through.

-He avoids you, and you avoid him. Simple as that.

-Unfortunately for Vil, you’ve caught Rook’s eye, which means he must sit through many hours of Rook rambling on about his “findings” about you.

-When you tried out for the VDC, he was simply going to turn you and Grim away, but Rook convinced him to give you a chance.

-Rook wanted him to help your reveal your “inner beauty”, though Vil wasn’t sure if you had any of that.

-You wore baggy, horrifically ugly clothing up until winter break. Your hair was constantly a mess. Your skin was poorly taken care of, and the bags under your eyes were as dark as night.

-It almost made him feel bad for you… so despite his better judgement, he decided to invest time in you.

-Vil makes it very clear that he knows what your whole secret is.

-“I am aware of the fact that you are a woman, however, I will continue to use your preferred pronouns since it seems to bring you comfort.”

-He’s very insistent that you allow him to do your skincare AND your makeup whenever you give him the chance.

-Especially when he moves into ramshackle temporarily, he’s very insistent on maintaining your skincare routine.

-He essentially makes your entire nightly routine himself, and is right there over your shoulder making sure you do it right.

-Despite how overbearing it is, you actually make good friends with him through this.

-Being stuck alone in a room with no one but him to talk to forces you two to talk.

-You get to learn why he cares so much about appearances, and he gets to know why you hide to protect yourself.

-“It’s just… easier to pretend, because guys will bother me less that way.”

“I can’t understand why they would bother you. You’ve done nothing to them, so why would they want to do anything to you.”

“That’s the thing, I don’t know either. I just know it’s scary, and I don’t want to deal with it.”

-You move him, honestly. You’re strong even though you’re scared, and that’s beautiful. Thats what true beauty is.

-He helps you embrace your inner self and express that, while still helping you to hide your gender in a way that feels safe.

-You are always welcome at Pomefiore, and you can come to either him or Rook if you have any issues at all.

-It’s like having a big sister, almost.

Idia

-Idia has eyes everywhere.

-Every inch of that campus is (illegally) being monitored by his watchful eyes. 

-When he’s bored in class, he flicks through the cameras to amuse himself — maybe he’ll see someone slip and fall on their ass. That would be funny.

-He’s not really interested in you in particular.

-In fact, he’d like to keep a very far distance between the two of you.

-You’re… intimidating. You’ve fought some of the most powerful mages on campus and won.

-Total final boss energy, not something Idia is interested in being around.

-What he IS interested in is that wittle kitty you’ve got following you around.

-When he’s bored in class, he goes searching for Grim, and where Grim is you are sure to be.

-So, despite his aversion to you, he ends up spending a lot of time watching you.

-He starts to notice… things about you.

-He notices that you seem to put on a tough guy persona around… well… other guys in your class.

-When it’s just you and Grim though? You’re the softest softie he’s ever seen.

-It’s top tier cringe watching you try to being all macho, so he much prefers your more quiet and relaxed self you show in private.

-Seriously though, you’re a TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON when you’re alone with certain people.

-EVEN YOUR VOICE CHANGES!!!

-It’s so uber creepy, it’s like a jumpscare every time you drop that fake deep voice.

-If he’s being real, you’ve got a pretty voice. Honestly, you’re really pretty period. Too pretty to be a guy honestly.

-…

-….

-…..HOLY SHIT!!!

-He has to check your medical files to be sure — which he obviously has access to, thanks to having access to everything Ortho has access to.

-Blah blah blah allergies, blah blah blah horrific injuries from overblots, blah blah blah- AH HAH!

-Next to gender you are listed as… transgender man.

-He doesn’t wanna be that weird transphobic incel, but from what he’s seen? He highly doubts that.

-From what he’s seen in his (invasive) watching, you’re definitely doing the troupe of hiding your gender to better fit in.

-He feels like he’s in an anime or something.

-He doesn’t really want to bother you about it — but from watching you, you seem like someone he’d really enjoy being around.

-Ortho also insists that he’d get along with you very well!

-…It’s worth a shot right.

-He tries several times to “bump” into you, which always ends in him skittering away in fear.

-He psyches himself out every time. “They wouldn’t even wanna hang out with a loser like me.” “They’re way too cool for someone as lame as me.” 

-It’s not until you invite yourself to one of tabletop club’s meetings that he’s forced to interact with you.

-He’s really banking on the fact that you’ll be too busy talking with Azul to notice him, but then Azul leaves and its just you and him.

-Him and you…

-Both of you… in total and complete silence.

-��yep… 

-“Uhm, Idia…?”

“yES!?”

“I came here cause I wanted to talk to you, sorry for being so underhanded about it, I just couldn’t get you alone without you running off.”

“AH— I mean, ahem, okay. My bad.”

-You totally cornered him like an evil villain.

-All because you wanted to… be his friend?

-Is he dreaming, going insane perhaps, did HE get isekaied into an alternate universe where he was likable???

-Nope, Ortho just talks him up a lot, and you think his hair is cool. Huh. Kinda lame compared to what he was thinking.

-You guys talk a LOT after that. You exchange numbers and you text him about all sorts of stuff — and he’s actually interested in it!

-You learn that he’s been watching you and Grim for a long time, and while you scold him.

-You think it’s pretty funny that he’s embarrassed about his love for cute things.

-“If you’ve been keeping your eye on me for so long, you must’ve figured out that I’m a girl, right?”

“Yeah, you’re not great at hiding it. That macho guy act is suuuuper lame, you look like a noob lol.”

“Hey! I’m just copying what Deuce told me to do!”

-You guys don’t really see each other face to face very often, but like I said you text a lot.

-Sometimes he’ll text you shit like ‘I saw that, saved it for blackmail.’ After you biffed your shit on the pavement or something.

-When Idia gets more comfortable, you two spend hours on call whenever you get the chance.

-He lends you some of his precious manga, and even gives you an older TV he had laying around so you can watch stuff at ramshackle.

-Sometimes he invites you over to play video games with him and Ortho, and he gets all cocky and proud when you gush about how cool all his tech is.

-And, yeah, Idia definitely forms a little crush on you — but he would do that regardless of your gender. 

-He just likes you a lot, and you can feel safe on campus knowing he’s watching over you when you need it. (Mostly watching Grim, tbh.)

Malleus

-We know that Malleus enjoys… creeping outside of Ramshackle.

-He spends quite a lot of time on your front lawn, therefore, he’s usually in proximity of you.

-However, he is very intimidating!

-As a young woman in a magical world that you are not from, a very tall man with horns is the exact opposite of what you want to be around.

-Besides, you’ve heard the rumors about him — how powerful he is, and how scary he is.

-Malleus, on the other hand, is admittedly curious about you.

-He finds humans in their own right incredibly interesting, but you are not just a regular human.

-You are a human who has no magic and is from another world entirely. 

-You are something he has never once seen in his whole life, so excuse his childish curiosity.

-Still, you’re sort of cleverly avoiding him at every chance you get, and he just can’t quite find the time to talk to you.

-Until one night, you come back rather late and you find him in your yard… again.

-You send Grim in by himself and decide to confront him by yourself, because you are tired of being afraid to fall asleep at night.

-“Hey, you, could you maybe not stare at my house in the middle of the night!”

-Oh. You are quite feisty, and very bold to approach Malleus Draconia with such an aggressive tone.

-“I’m unsure what you mean, I’m simply admiring the architecture.”

“I don’t care WHAT you’re doing, you’re freaking me out! I know you’re supposedly some big scary monster guy, but I need you to STOP being weird outside my house.”

“…My apologies…”

-Malleus is pleasantly surprised at your spunk — he’s never been spoken to like that, he’s excited by it.

-After you yell at him, you let him explain himself, and you realize he is just… really, really bad at socializing.

-He wasn’t watching you, he just really enjoys silence and ramshackle is the quietest place on campus — even with you living in it.

-So, you give him the benefit of the doubt, because he really does just seem like he’s lost on everything around him 90% of the time.

-You don’t hang out with him during the day, but if you happen to see him on your lawn (as he usually is), you go out and hang out with him for a while.

-It makes Malleus happy, because you treat him like a friend. You give him cute nicknames, and you invite him inside for snacks, and you go out of your way to say hello to him when you pass him in the halls.

-He also gets to know more about you, and his curiosities about you and your world get quelled.

-He doesn’t really question anything about you, especially not your gender.

-Gender is hardly important for fae, and you seem confident in your expression, so he has no reason to wonder. Besides, there are far more thrilling things about you than your sex.

-So, you and Malleus start to grow close. So close, in fact, that you can confidently say that he’s one of your closest friends.

-At this point, almost everyone who you want to know about your gender knows. Everyone but Malleus.

-Initially you kept it a secret because you didn’t know how good he was at not talking, but now…

-Now, well, you don’t really have a reason.

-People usually question you at this point, or at least seem suspicious, but Malleus?

-Malleus shows not a hint that he thinks something is up. It’s odd to you, isn’t he supposed to be super smart or something. Maybe he’s just too respectful.

-Regardless, you decided to talk to him about it the next time you see him staring at the gargoyles around campus.

-“Hey Tsunotaro, what’re you up to?”

“Just admiring these gargoyles here, aren’t they fascinating? They were the first few installed in the school, if my memory serves me correctly.”

“They are very cool, but could I ask you something not gargoyle related?”

“What is it, child of man?”

“You know that I’m, uhm, a girl right?”

“Oh. I did not know that, how interesting.”

-He doesn’t understand why you would hide that, but it doesn’t really perturb him that much.

-The most you got was an eyebrow raise, and then he was back to his gargoyles.

-You were pretty satisfied with that, so you figured he wouldn’t tell anyone… and then you hear him loudly talking about it with his friends in Diasomania.

-Sigh… he means well, but he just doesn’t get the social stuff.

-You’re not mad, because pretty much everyone knows at this point, but it still sucks that he’s such a loudmouth.

[allaboutthemoonlight]

Understanding the Difference Between Hard Work and Workaholism, and Self-Care Strategies for Avoiding Burnout

Hi friends,

In today’s post, I want to talk about the idea of hard-work vs workaholism and the resulting consequence of burnout. It’s a longer post today because I believe this is something that many people are dealing with, especially in this space.

In the self-improvement and personal development bubble, there’s a constant culture of ambition and striving for improvement. While the intention behind this can be rewarding, it can sometimes fall into toxic territory with constant encouragement of and sentiments such as “just work harder” or “you‘re not disciplined enough”, often leading people to exhaust and overwork themselves.

Due to this, I'd like to discuss the significance of distinguishing between hard work and workaholism — both for productivity and well-being. While hard work can indeed lead to success and fulfillment, workaholism can result in burnout and physical and mental health issues. Recognizing the distinction between these two and equipping oneself with self-care strategies is essential for leading a balanced, healthy life.

What is hard work?

Hard work can vary from person to person, and it’s the same for everyone. Generally, hard work can be described as dedicated and focused effort towards achieving a specific goal. This can mean anything from daily runs to train for a marathon to watching numerous youtube tutorials to learn how to code.

The point here is that, although hard work involves a certain level of persistence, discipline, and strong work ethic, there’s often rewarding outcomes as you know you’re making progress towards something you want to achieve.

Understanding if you’re a hard worker or someone suffering from workaholism dictates a high level of self-reflection and introspection. In my experience, hard workers are those who:

Have a clear understanding of what they want to achieve

Are action oriented and know the purpose behind their efforts

Have the ability to achieve a work/life balance

Are either intrinsically motivated and have a high level of identified motivation

Maintain an internal locus of control

Know when to take breaks

Being a hard worker is a significant skill, one that can lead to personal development, growth, and multiple career opportunities, these are facts that can’t be denied. However, in our current environment where an individuals worth is often determined by their accomplishments and successes, the line between working hard and being a workaholic has been blurred.

Understanding workaholism

Now that we’ve talked about what exactly makes a hard-worker, I want to uncover the other reality: workaholism.

Workaholism is an uncontrollable and compulsive need to work constantly. It comes from feelings of from anxiety, perfectionism, or a desire to escape personal issues. This includes:

Obsessively thinking about work

Struggling to relax or unwind outside of work

Ignoring personal relationships and self-care

Feeling physically drained with fatigue and insomnia

Multiple studies have explored the mental and physical impacts of workaholism, revealing impacts such as high levels of chronic stress, anxiety, depression, fatigue, cardiovascular issues, among others. It’s truly an exhaustive list of consequences, all of which can lead to burnout and emotional exhaustion. Beyond mental and physical health risks, the effects of workaholism can include professional issues. It’s ironic that overworking oneself can have a negative impact on your career, yet there’s a higher likelihood of decreased job performance and strained professional relationships as a result.

I think Jordan Peterson said it best: “You don’t want to do so much work that the amount of you do interferes with the amount of work you could still do”.

Here are some of the key differences between hard work and workaholism to keep in mind:

Purpose and Motivation: Hard work is driven by intentional goals and motivation, while workaholism tends to be more compulsive.

Work-Life Balance: Hard workers manage to balance their professional and personal lives, while workaholics often neglect their personal life and self-care.

Sustainability: Hard work is sustainable over time with breaks for rest and recovery, whereas workaholism leads to burnout due to its unsustainable nature.

Control Over Work: Hard workers can regulate their work habits and take breaks when needed, while workaholics often feel out of control and struggle to stop working.

Stress Levels: Hard work can be stressful but usually within healthy limits, while workaholism leads to chronic stress and health problems.

What is burnout and how can we prevent it

With all that being said, I want to move on to clearly defining burnout and how we can avoid it. Burnout is a work-related state of exhaustion where you feel extreme fatigue, have a hard time concentrating, suffer from emotional dysregulation and poor cognitive function, and mentally distance yourself from the people around you.

Burnout doesn't happen all at once; it's a gradual process that builds up over time, often linked to workaholism. When you’re constantly in a mental state of go-go-go or feel the need to work excessively, you’ll start feeling stressed out from trying to meet all these demands. Over time, if you don’t find ways to take breaks and rest to recharge, you’ll lose energy and find yourself in a state of burnout.

This all happens because burnout leads to emotional exhaustion, detachment from work and others in your life, and a decreased sense of personal accomplishment and motivation.

So how can we prevent this?

There are 5 domains in our lives that we can pay more attention to for preventing burnout: physical, mental/emotional, social, work, and personal/leisure.

Physical Well-being:

Find a form of physical activity you enjoy and do it regularly

Take short breaks during work sessions to stretch and move around

Maintain a balanced diet to sustain energy levels

Get enough each night to support brain function during the day

Mental and Emotional Well-being:

Practice mindfulness techniques and meditation to reduce stress

Practice gratitude daily to adopt a positive mindset

Use deep breathing exercises to calm your mind and body.

Social Support and Relationships:

Seek help when needed through therapy, counseling, or support groups

Make time to connect with family and friends outside of work

Set boundaries for maintaining balance by defining working hours and learn to say no

Workplace Strategies:

Try to opt for projects or tasks in your work that align with personal goals and preferences

Try to schedule meetings to obtain feedback from your higher ups so that you have clear measures on your performance can identity areas for improvement

Find ways to make your work fun to sustain motivation and satisfaction in your work

Leisure and Relaxation:

Schedule leisure activities throughout your day to recharge

Dedicate time to hobbies and interests outside of work

Spend time in nature to connect with the environment and reduce mental fatigue

Thank’s for tuning in.

As always,

L <3

[strawberrykaon]

I think autistic primarchs would present very differently than in a baseline human. Its so much easier to cover up or explain away.

Like if Mortarion goes semi- verbal, he still sounds normal. But very stilted for a primarch. Its different from when I can only maybe say three words at a time. Usually I can only go "I don't know" or "no", or "go away". For him it's still full length sentences, like "I think I just need to be alone now". That can easily be explained to be exhaustion. But in reality he can't vocalize anything more complex right now.

Guilliman has be scripting since a child but no one notices. He just has over 100 scripts memorized for any occasion. Any question or change in the conversation. He already has a script lined up. He's capable of memorizing it. Conversations happen so naturally, you can't even tell the difference.

Even the way they stim can be so different to a baseline. Probably in ways a baseline can't comprehend. Traits like increased pattern recognition are standard in a primarch. All primarchs are far more "higher functioning" than any baseline.

Being behind their brothers developmentally by a few weeks is nothing compared to a baseline. What's walking at two months when most humans are closer to a year old when they start. Sure the other primarchs were walking much sooner. Some right out of the pod. But they often reached adulthood far sooner than any human. What constitutes a development delay to a primarch. If an apothecary can't tell what's a high blood pressure level in Guilliman. How can you tell?

Exhaustion that so many autistic face is so off from a baseline. They need less sleep. They can go through periods without rest for far longer. I think in cases like Mortarion, he can just push through an autistic burnout. Sure he's a bit more irritable, among other things. But hey, the point of a shutdown won't hit him till a few decades later. So therefore he must have high energy levels then even his brothers. Despite the toll on his mental health. Plus their recovery times are far shorter. Guilliman needs just a few days to feel normal after a year long campaign after all. Doesn't matter how he was acting prior. Any strange behavior can be hand waved away.

Mental conditioning can be used to suppress sensory overload. No point in having your super solider curl up screaming because he has super hearing. And you threw him into an active warzone. Lets make sure you can't process that information in way that would harm you. (Plus I think as a rule primarchs have a tendency to be more sensory seeking than sensory avoidant.)

Hell even their positions in the imperial society could make it easier to mask. If Perturabo wants something done in a certain way, you are going to do it that way. You're just some 25 year old iron warrior or serf that needs to follow command. Plus you don't know best compared to a primarch.

Of course they mask in typical ways. Mortarion hasn't rocked when upset since he was young. Because Nacrae told him that he should avoid such weakling behavior. Or still show more obvious traits like Dorn's flatter speaking style. (IDK how true this is but everyone says this and I'm not too familiar with Dorn to say otherwise.)

Also I like to imagine that the Emperor intentionally placed Autism into some of his designer babies. Thinking he could "avoid all the negatives but only gain those traits that would benefit them greatly." Only for his patience to slowly be drained. Like Perturabo having a meltdown while Dorn is trying to get the two of them to work together. But he's lost the ability to mask what little he does. And is just going, "We are to conclude this activity in an hour. I have to calibrate the ships sensors in an hour and half. You have already wasted 10 minutes. We must refocus so we can conclude in an hour..."

The problem start when understanding what's going on under the surface. Or when you start comparing them to their brothers. But hey you're below understanding what a primarch is thinking. And all the primarchs are little off. They're demigods. What makes these one's so different. Doesn't help they themselves won't consider it themselves. Or even be insulted by the implication. I'm not an invalid. Don't be ridiculous.

(I used Perturabo, Dorn, and Guilliman here because they're the common ones head cannoned as autistic. I went with Mortarion as well because I decided to just go with it. I know him the best. Plus this is all just headcannon. Just to be clear. Reasoning being his kids tend to present with a flat personality anyways. Also heard Mortarion was always behind his brothers, so developmental delays?? Idk yet where they got that in lore yet. Trying to get through all the books is a lot. Plus his other strange behaviors. But it could just be poor socialization as a child mixed with mental illness. Could also just be all three too. But more than these four could be autistic is my point. Sorry if this post was rambling or unclear. Or if anyone has done this before. I just wanted to get my thoughts out on the subject.)

[galene-gothic]

𝖠𝗅𝗅 𝖺𝖻𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗇𝖾𝗑𝗍 𝗈𝗋 𝖼𝗎𝗋𝗋𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝗌𝗂𝗀𝗇𝗂𝖿𝗂𝖼𝖺𝗇𝗍 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗇𝖾𝖼𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇

୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊ I hope this reading found you in good health, every reblog is appreciated and thank you for everything :) ˖♡ ˎˊ˗ ꒰ 🐇 ꒱

˗ˏˋ༻ʚ♡︎ɞ༺ˎˊ˗             PAID SERVICES

︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 1 ꒱

Your current or next significant connection is going to be a situationship, I wanted to read only relationships but this situationship came through very strongly so I’m just going to interpret this for you. They’re someone who feeds off of social and romantic attention with no intention of committing. They’re someone who’s mean and only cares about themself. They lack self awareness. They’re someone who feels like everyone blames them unfairly, this is funny because they’ll be the one victim blaming and gaslighting you. If you have a narcissistic mother or an unhealthy relationship with your mother, this person is going to be similar to your mother, even if you do not realise it when you’re with them, after things end, you’ll notice similarities. They’re a know-it-all and act like they’re all that but in reality, they are crippling with insecurities. They’ll not be focused on you and they’ll be giving you just enough to keep you in their life (probably just empty promises or a few sweet moments here and there). I hate to say this like this but this frustrates me. This person clearly doesn’t deserve you, they won’t even be able to fulfil your basic needs. ‘Vampire’ by Olivia Rodrigo is how this situation is going to turn out for you. I’m not even sure as to why you’ll be sticking with them, they’ll literally put in no effort and show no passion. They’ll be possessive and territorial over you.

However, they’ll not treat you right because they’ll not find you good enough to commit to. Also, you’ll be letting a lot slide so they’ll continue mistreating you because you keep on allowing it. They’ll be really critical of you and take a lot from you, completely drain you out but won’t give you even the slightest amount of respect. They’ll be bread-crumbing you, giving you just enough attention and appreciation to not lose you completely but will never give you what you deserve and require. You’ll convince yourself that you’re satisfied because of the affection and attachment that you’ll feel towards them. This is so major, they’ll teach you enough common sense, discernment and self respect to never let someone like them into your life again. They’ll be someone really arrogant and a show-off. At some point, you’ll literally feel abused (could be anything emotionally, physically, mentally). They’ll say something and treat you as if you’re an object and not a person at all. They’ll act very selfishly and make everything about themself. You’ll be forced to leave people behind, your social life will be dying and you’ll be going through a really lonely time, they’ll make you feel really shitty. You’ll have forgiven them many times already by then but they’ll still be leaving you in a position where you have to watch everything you say just so you can avoid fights.

You’ll start feeling a lot of guilt towards yourself for putting up with such poor treatment. You’ll start regretting them. They’ll start feeling like a bag of stress to you and you’ll see the opportunity to move on without regrets and you’ll take it. A lot of uncertainty is going to be involved in the situation but you’ll choose your integrity and feelings above that person so you’ll feel like it’s only fair if you get away. Your nervous system and mental state will be all over the place at that time so the fact that you’re choosing yourself is very admirable. You’ll think that it’s just ‘cause and effect’, they treated you like shit so you walked away. They’ll treat you so bad that you’ll feel like you can basically survive anything. After leaving them behind, you’ll feel like you’re already over the worst. You’ll learn a lot of life lessons from the situation. Things will collapse completely but you’ll be left with a chance to build something completely new. The way you’ll remember them is “I survived them”. This connection will be very important as you’ll stop wanting to involved in such situations. Due to how they’ll treat you, you will also be kind of defensive at times (when involved with them) but you’ll always apologise when you feel like you’ve done something wrong and try to make things better but they won’t have it in them to do the same thing. You’ll be very understanding with them and will try to be there for them through hardships but they’ll be nowhere to be found when you need them. You’ll learn and grow from this, take care and all love.

︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 2 ꒱

Your next partner is someone who’s patient, practical and responsible. They’re also someone who really values loyalty. They’re ambitious and persistent. They’re someone who works hard and likely has a strict routine. They’re very reliable but yeah once they get angry, it’s a bit of a show. They’re very stubborn too. They have a lot of responsibilities and stress in their life though. They work very hard and push themself to the limits. They can be over ambitious and burn themself out though. They take a lot onto themself and work under a lot of pressure. They’re also very serious about their goals. They’ll be very intentional in regards to you, they’ll be focused on you, there’s something about you that just inspires them and hypes them up. They’ll be determined to overcome any obstacles when it comes to you, they’ll be willing to work hard for your relationship. They’ll see how desirable you are and they’ll express it to you, they’ll make you feel like the most desirable person on earth. They’ll understand your thirst for knowledge, for experiences and they’ll think that you’re something on a different level. They’ll be interested in figuring out the deepest parts of you, in uncovering your deepest fears and darkest secrets. They’ll be truly tender with you and that’s exactly what you’ll want, someone who is willing to listen to you and take care of you. They’ll be affectionate and will try to be there for you. They’ll write love letters for you and send you romantic messages. They’ll be sensitive to your needs and kinda treat you like a kid. They’ll also act kind of childish and playful around you. They’ll have a very big crush on you.

Also, it will be very difficult for them to contain it. They’re going to admire your beauty and you’ll be able to catch them all flustered. Like the energy will just speak volumes about how they feel towards you. There will be an electric current between the both of you and also a strong psychic connection/ communication. The moment they’ll enter a room, they’ll look around for you. They’ll treat you the way an admirer treats one he or she admires. The dynamic between the both of you will include a lot of stimulation but you won’t be able to give up the craving for more. You’ll feel so passionate and excited regarding each other. You’ll act really youthful and childlike with one another. You’ll be fearless which will lead to you being reckless. You’ll also be really childlike with one another. Before the both of you even date, there’ll be a lot of impatience surrounding the situation for the both of you. You will just want to rush into things and most of you are going to do it. This relationship is going to interrupt with your plans. There’s something about the both of you being a power couple but still very incompatible. The chemistry between the both of you is going to fog your incompatibility though, you’ll still compliment each other regardless of your incompatibility. You’ll make bad decisions in this relationship but through each other, you’ll find different passions. You’ll learn more about yourselves. You’ll be loyal to them but you’re going to act obsessed with them. You’ll also let your mental health get the best of you. You’re going to be quite secretive about a lot regarding yourself and it could prove to be a setback in some way.

You won’t even be able to resist them though and it’ll be the same way with them, but you could end up using their irresistibility towards you against them if you aren’t careful. Frankly, you could end up acting really manipulative towards them. There might be something about them that will trigger you and you’ll hate-love them. You will meet them at a time where you’re processing a lot of anger and resentment or they’ll just make you tick off for some reason. They’ll feel like there’s a lot of trouble between the both of you. The way you’ll be acting will cause them to start thinking negatively because you’ll just shatter their dreams of you. They’ll feel like they have to make a decision concerning you because they will be feeling really dissatisfied and sad. For some of you, you’re going to be able to work it out and have a good long term relationship. For the rest of you, this relationship is going to take you one step closer to your ultimate love by shedding light into parts of you that need healing. You’ll start trying to manage life better after things end, you’ll start getting things that you want too, one at a time. From the relationship, you’ll learn about the importance of not being too aloof, having integrity and some of you will learn that rumours can ruin people’s lives (you’ll probably be involved in rumours if this is the case). You’ll learn that playing stupid games wins you stupid prizes. You’ll also learn that overindulgence is not good. You might also realise that you don’t really have true friends. You’ll learn how to be more mature and loving. You’ll start coming in terms with your sensitivity and kindness. You could end up being too loving though, make sure not to become a people pleaser, alright? Take care !!

︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 3 ꒱

Your next significant partner is someone who is very passionate about, they’re someone who tries to expand their potential. They are someone who truly believes in themself and gives their best. They have a lot of ideas, to the point they find them overwhelming even. They have a lot of potential for really great things. They’re someone who’s had important breakthroughs in life and are into self improvement. They’re taking action and are optimistic right now. Their past is still negatively affecting them though. They’re someone who is pretty secretive too. They’re still stuck in unhealthy cycles. This is very conflicting, they have strong personal values or are developing them but they weren’t the best person the past. They are also very realistic but still so delusional? They feel trapped by a missed opportunity of some sort. They’re still emotionally immature and possibly even depressed. They can be someone very resentful because of their tendency to obsess. They overlook what’s obvious in order to believe the little stories in their head when it comes to love. They’re very realistic regarding everything else though. They’re still very naive and can be very gullible to love bombing, they’ve possibly fallen victim to it before. They’re manipulative and really lonely. They lack proper communication skills. The relationship between the both of you is going to require really big effort of one of your part.

I’m sorry but this person could still not be over their past relationship or something like that. This relationship is not going to be long term. Despite, how qualified you might be for them, they won’t be noticing your greatness. You’re someone who pretends to be happy even if you’re not and that’s exactly what you’ll be doing when you’re with them. It will start off exciting for you but you’ll start feeling like you deserve better as you continue to be with them, somehow, your self esteem will be so low that you will feel like no one else would want you though. You’ll be feeling quite oppressed in that relationship. They will probably downplay the things that you say to them, etc. That relationship will be extremely stressful. You’ll also start feeling quite passive aggressive towards them. I’ve heard something like “women aren’t crazy, they’re driven to it”, you don’t have to be a woman but it could apply to you during and after this relationship. You’ll be too scared of having difficult conversations here. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is just a situationship as well. You’ll feel stagnant and stuck in the situation. They’ll act like things will inevitably come to an end but they won’t be ending it properly. It’ll be obvious that they’re still emotionally attached to their past. They’ll be avoiding ending things but they won’t be treating you right either. They’ll treat you like you’re a burden.

They’ll act like you disappoint them with everything that you do. They’ll treat you as if they are settling for you. You need to be very careful here because they’ll be lacking self awareness and emotional maturity. They’ll just act like things are hopeless and like you’re not all that important. At the beginning though, they’ll be trying to act as if they’re happy. They’ll be angry at you for some reason but it won’t have much if anything at all to do with you. You’ll learn how to pay attention to details because of this connection. You’ll learn how to use your intellect against people to be honest (probably unintentionally). Before entering a relationship with them or getting involved with them, you’re someone who has little to no fear of changes. Someone who knows how to take changes for the best or for the worst, someone who knows how to leave the old things behind. You’re also someone very quick to change perspective though. After your relationship or connection with them, you’ll become someone really successful, generous and strong willed. You’ll become someone who’s more free with expression of anything (including affection) but knows how to be harsh when things come down to it. You’ll gain some sort of an enlightenment. You’ll become someone indecisive though, and someone who prioritises having friends and lovers who treasure you and are on the same level when it comes to character. All the best and take care 🩵.

[justanotherrpmeme]

Fake Relationship starters

"So, are we really going to pretend to be a couple?"

"It's just for show. We need to convince everyone that we're in love."

"Do you think we can pull this off? I mean, we barely know each other."

"We'll have to practice and create a backstory that seems believable."

"What if we accidentally catch real feelings for each other?"

"This is all part of the charade. Emotions can't get in the way."

"I'm not sure I can handle all the fake kisses and affection."

"Think of it as a performance. We have to make it convincing for others."

"We need to be more convincing, show more affection in public. Make it seem real."

"It's temporary. We'll get through it and then go back to our normal lives."

"What if we have to meet each other's families?"

"We'll have to prepare well-rehearsed stories and act like we've been together for a while."

"I'm worried about getting caught in a lie."

"We just have to be consistent with our stories and avoid slip-ups. We'll be fine."

"I never expected this fake relationship to become so complicated."

"We knew it wouldn't be easy, but we're in this together. We can handle it."

"What if people start asking us personal questions about our relationship?"

"We have to be prepared with evasive answers or quickly change the subject. Keep it vague."

"I'm starting to forget what's real and what's fake."

"Remember, this is just a temporary arrangement."

"This fake relationship is starting to feel strangely real."

"We need to keep reminding ourselves that it's all an act."

"Do you think anyone suspects that our relationship is fake?"

"As long as we play our parts convincingly, no one should question it."

"I never thought pretending to be in love could be so exhausting."

"It's mentally and emotionally draining, but it will be over soon."

[text]: "Hey, don't forget we have that 'couple's dinner' tonight. Let's make sure our acting skills are on point!"

[text]: "Remember, we need to coordinate our stories about how we met. Let's come up with a believable backstory."

[text]: "I just got asked about our future plans together"

[text]: "We should plan a 'date' night to keep up appearances. Dinner and a movie, perhaps?"

[text]: "Any ideas on how we can make them look convincing?"

[text]: "Our friends are getting suspicious."

[text]: "I heard someone asking if we're serious about each other."

[text]: "Let's plan a weekend getaway to make our fake relationship seem more authentic. A romantic destination should do the trick."

[text]: "We have a 'meet the parents' event coming up. We should discuss our roles and make sure we're on the same page."

[text]: "I just got invited to a wedding. Should we attend as a couple? It could be a good opportunity to practice our act."

[text]: "I overheard someone saying they think our relationship is fake. We need to step up our game and prove them wrong."

[text]: "We should have a 'couple's game night' with our friends."

[text]: "We should create a fake anniversary date and celebrate it publicly. It'll make our relationship seem more authentic to others."

[text]: "I have an idea for a fake argument in front of our friends. It'll make us seem more like a real couple with ups and downs."

[connorsblog]

˙✧˖° YOU'LL BE OKAY 📷 ༘ ⋆｡ ˚

a/n: im currently still working on the spencer fic but i need to rewatch the last half of season 12 to refresh my memory! until then enjoy this :) (also ignore how my format will change a bit here and there, im experimenting with it!)

pairing: rosita espinosa x reader + maggie rhee x reader if you squint !!

warnings: dont read if you havent reached 11x24! spoiler warning. but basic twd gore warning, cussing, character death, etc

loosely inspired by lil jeep by lil peep (specifically the "i'm dyin', i dont think that my bitch know" part)

——————————————————————————

me, eugene, gabriel, and rosita finally made it home. it had been one hell of a day — fighting off walkers and the mental strain for rosita of almost losing her kid.

all of us had huddled in the apartment, judith's shoulder in a sling. she'll be fine, though. she's one hell of a damn fighter.

my eyes caught rosita whispering to gabriel about something. he looked crushed — and that didn't occur very often anymore, especially after he hardened over the years.

i decided after a few moments to head over there myself. to my surprise, they didn't stop talking as i made my way over there.

rosita just looked... upset. but light, as well. her face was calm but if you looked deep enough — you'd see her thoughts churning behind her eyes like the rough, dark sea.

"hey," she finally pulled her face away from gabriels ear, his face lightening up but you could see it behind his eyes — something went wrong.

"what's goin' on?" i got straight to the point. i didn't want to twiddle my damn thumbs while something may be happening.

"uh," she pressed her lips together as she began, her demeanor seemed to shake.

she leaned towards me — her scent as intoxicating as it always has been. her soft tone reached my ears, the words slipping my mind until she pulled away.

"you're bit?" i whispered, and my heart seemed to jumpstart itself, pounding annoyingly against my ribcage.

"you'll be okay, you know?" she whispered, her voice cracking so subtly i almost didnt notice it.

"i won't, ro. you know that." this time my voice cracked, tears threatening to spill like the overflowing, hot magma of a volcano — it was hard to hold them back.

she stayed silent this time, moving her hand towards mine. her grey sweater cuff brushed against my skin, tickling me so much i would've laughed if it had been any other day.

i breathed in heavily, my chest expanding so much i thought my heart'd explode any second. it was still pounding unrelentlessly against my ribs, taking my breath away as it did so.

"i love you, ro." i swallowed thickly, pressing her soft hand against my face as my tears threatened to burst once again.

"i love you," she whispered like it was a forbidden phrase, something i'd never not grin about. no matter the day.

like i had predicted — my lips stretched into a small smile, the skin cracking painfully. i didn't wince, though, i had just avoided thinking about any other pain.

after a few minutes of tricking my brain, everything except rosita's presence was a simple background lull, like an old fridge motor, no matter how annoying it got you'd get used to it whether you desired it or not.

the other's chatter had died down slowly, everyone beginning to get tired from the day we all had. judith and daryl looked the most drained, second to connie, magna, and yumiko.

wait, where the hell was luke?

i hadn't known him entirely well, but he made judith laugh. as well as michonne, which had always been difficult to do especially after rick.

rosita's thumb rubbing against my hand snapped my attention back to her, her dark eyes staring at me insistently.

"yeah?" i mumbled, wondering if she had anything else to add to the pile of shit from today.

"nothin' was just wondering where you went," she leaned her chin on my shoulder, her scent filling my nostrils with such strong warmth. i felt safe with her, like always. there was never a moment where i hadn't felt safe around her presence.

"jus' thinking," i wanted to urge her to come closer into my arms, i wanted her beating heart against mine until it couldnt beat any longer. i wanted her against me until i couldn't think of anything else except her.

——————————————————————————

after about an hour of me and rosita just talking, her head seemed to become a bit limp. she was dying, but i didn't want to believe that. my brain worked on a way to convince itself she'll just be gone, but not dead. it worked like cogs in a machine but nothing worked.

me and maggie had decided to get her into the bed, watching her chest rise and fall much easier now that she didn't have to hold her body up.

i sat in a plush chair next to the bed, my legs dangling off the arm as i tried to get comfortable. i couldn't, though, my body failing to feel any comfort unless i was in rositas arms, inhaling her sweet scent.

"love, you okay?" rosita asked as if she wasnt laying down, fighting for each breath she took, her lungs burning every minute.

"yeah, sorry. jus' can't get comfortable." i mumble, embarrassment tickling my cheeks as they turned bright red.

"come here," she offered, her hand outstretched for me to grab. i crawled in bed with her, my body fitting into hers like we were pieces of the same puzzle.

"any better?" she asked, pressing a weak kiss to my head.

"yes," i smiled softly against her shoulder blade, somehow forgetting for a moment. forgetting she could die any minute — any second her ever so loving heart could stop. the blood rushing out her body, stopping all movement and short circuiting the brain. all of our memories saved for me, nobody to share them with.

her sharp inhale made my thoughts snap apart, my eyes immediately averting to her. "you okay?"

"yes, sorry. i just —" she grunts, trying to move her shoulder, "shoulder hurts like a bitch." she half-chuckled as i gazed into her dark eyes.

most of my concern dropped from my face, some still lingering in case she needed help to breathe or move or anything.

my mind seemed to race. what if she died and turned immediately? not giving me a chance to lay with her peaceful body before it decomposes, not giving me a chance to be with her.

rosita noticed my thinking, but didnt stop me until i realized her eyes were burning into the side of my face, making me turn half towards her.

"sorry, can't seem to stop thinking today," i try to smile but all efforts fail, a choked sob seeming to come out instead.

she didnt utter a word, just immediately took me into her arms. her scent engulfed my body, my skin melting to hers as if she was a mold.

i had forgot about coco — my mind making her presence slip my memory — her small, sleeping frame moving ever so slightly in the corner of my eye as rosita kept her arms around my body.

i looked back up at rosita, her face peaceful as she struggled to continue breathing. she didn't panic, not at all. she just stayed calm despite her instincts telling her to try to breathe.

i unwrapped her arms from around me, laying her down against her pillow. i gently lifted coco from her once-peaceful sleeping position, pressing their faces together as rositas eyes drifted closed.

our hearts seemed to stop in sync, my heart jumpstarting itself and pounding against my chest as her body became still.

——————————————————————————

about a year later,

i was out in alexandria gardening with coco. she babbled incoherently, giggling everytime my too big of a hat for my head kept tilting over, threatening to fall down.

i heard dull footsteps coming from behind me, my late instincts to grab my knife evaporated long ago, just being able to turn around without the consistent fear of dying looming over my head.

"hey," i grinned as i saw maggie walk towards me, taking her into my arms, hershel following right behind her like a lost dog.

"how're you?" she asked gently, taking a loose strand of her messed-up hair and tucking it behind her ear.

"i'm good, how are you holdin' up?" i returned the favor, my mind drifting every few seconds.

i had strangely realized — maggie smelled familiar. like home, but home used to be a person. my person, but that person wasn't here. the last physical reminder of her existence was next to me, gardening like her life depended on it.

——————————————————————————

note: i enjoyed writing this so very much ! i miss rosita so dearly

[cmncisspnandmore]

Silent Moments

Silent Moments

Spencer x Reader

Warnings: Kidnapping, torture, blood, gore, past character death. Mention of dead mom. Suicide. 

Request:

Hello, I was wondering if I could make a request? Maybe it’s a Spencer x Reader and the reader is blind/deaf/mute (you pick which one) and the UnSub gets a hold of them and gets angry as they don’t understand why reader can’t answer their questions?

Authors note: This is not cannon, and doesn't follow the cannon timeline. Hotch isn't gone, and Morgan never left (Solely because i am stalling hardcore on finishing criminal minds and haven't really gotten too far into the seasons without Hotch and Morgan being gone.)

~~~~~

Most people believe that selective mute people are faking it. That we are purposely trying to avoid talking to others. That's not the case, at one point we were normal people. Having conversations, making jokes. Living life without taking our words for advantage. Then something happens, this horrid ugly anxiety rears its head, trapping the words inside. For you, it happened when you were 15, and you found your mother in the bathtub, dead as a doornail. The only indication that anything was wrong was the note taped to the bathroom mirror apologizing for the mess. From that day on, it was like your words were stuck in a box, locked in the bottom of your chest. 

You managed to finish highschool at home, through online classes, and copious amounts of anti anxiety meds. But for some reason those pesky words never came back. Every once in a while you would find a sound, but never anything intelligible. You got into college, studying criminal psychology. Communicating through writing on papers, and some signed english. Everyone was always trying to get you to talk, often getting frustrated when you didn't. It wasn't that you didn't want to talk, it was that you couldn't. If they thought they were frustrated, they should try living in your head. It had been almost 6 years since you said anything. You missed your own voice, therapy felt useless at this point. Medications were the only thing keeping you from going insane during the day. 

Then you met Dr. Spencer Reid in your serial killer lecture. He didn't try to get you to talk, he didn't treat you like you were dumb or that it was fake. He saw you for you. He took time to meet with you and answer the questions you had about his lectures. He would carve out hours of his own time when he was home to just get to know you. He would talk to you about anything and everything when the two of you worked through the entire lesson of the day. 

Spencer never once took your mutism as a burden. Eventually the semester came to an end, You was no longer his student, he no longer your professor. So when you stopped into his office almost a year ago, staring at him across his desk. Spencer just smiled, and asked if everything was alright, if i had needed anything. He was stunned when you managed to whisper that you wanted to have coffee with him, your body shaking with anxiety. It had taken you hours of practice and countless days of sending yourself into a sheer panic, to manage to get out those simple words that so many others wouldn't think twice about. 

So when you finally looked up at Spencer, and seeing tears openly falling from his eyes, you were shocked. It was in that moment that you knew, your words would be safe with him. After a moment Spencer had walked around his desk, tear stained cheeks and all. To hug you tight as you broke down from the mental and emotional exhaustion those words had caused.

From that day on, you two  became inseparable. Over the years you’ve been together,  you have managed to open up the box that your words were kept in around him. You could have actual conversations at times. It was still hard and draining, but you could manage, a few words here and there when out  in public around his team. 

When you had first met them they were nothing but understanding. They never pushed you and often times, would just text you throughout the day when they were on cases to make sure you’re doing okay. They had become your family. They cared for you in ways your own family couldn't after your mothers death. 

When someone knocked on the apartment door, you opened it without hesitation, seeing a man in a suit standing there. His hair slicked back, a gun in a holster by his hip. He looked like he could work with Spencer and the team so you didn't think much of it when you saw him through the peephole moments before.

“Are you Y/N?” He asked, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a FBI badge flashing it at you. You nodded, worry clouding your mind as the man nodded. 

“Im here to bring you to the hospital, something has happened to Spencer Reid. I was told to collect you immediately.” He reaches his hand out taking you by arm, you nod silently as your apartment door slams shut as he guides you down the hall. 

Your mind is foggy as he helps you into a black SUV and starts to drive. After a few moments you begin to realize youre going the opposite way of the hospital. Your mind is screaming at you that something is wrong, but your words are locked up tight. The crippling anxiety starts to seep into your every muscle. 

“You stupid bitch, you're gonna pay for what your precious boyfriend did to my brother.” the man driving pulls the gun out of the holster and presses it against your side as he drives. 

“At least you're not a screamer.” He smiles as tears flood your vision, and he presses the gun harder against your side. 

~~~~

Spencers POV

Walking through the bullpen Spencers gut is telling him something isn't right. You normally would have picked up the phone when he called even if you weren't able to say anything. But his last 4 calls have gone unanswered. His facetimes as well. The door to Hotchner's office is open, and Spencer walks through the doorway, urgency in his steps.

“Reid?”  Hotch sets the stack of papers down on his desk, his brow furrowing.

“Something is wrong, i don't know what but Y/N isn't picking up.” Spencers rushes out, pacing in front of his desk.

“Care to explain?” 

“She always picks up, or at least sends me a text saying that she cant talk right now. Not in the selective mute sense, but as in shes doing something and unable to pick up the phone you know. But i called her like 5 times and facetimed her with the stupid phone she made me get, and nothing. Its been radio silence on the other end. Im really starting to worry.” Spencer raked a hand through his unruly hair. 

With a nod Hotch stood from his desk, “okay, we’ll figure it out.”

As hotch picked up his phone to dial the rest of the team, Penelope ran into the office, her face horror struck. “I-I just got live video feed…. Someone hacked into my network. Oh god, its bad. So bad… I don't know how they got in. Im gonna have to fix that.” Garcia gushed, her eyes wide.

“Garcia whats wrong? Whats on the live feed?” Hotch urged, placing a hand on her arm trying to bring her back to the whole reason she came into the room. Garcia's eyes flickered to Hotch before she scurried over to his computer her manicured nails tapping furiously on the keys.

“It’s being bounced between a whole bunch of servers so im having a hard time tracing it, but its better if you just see.” She replies as she turns the monitor to face Spencer and Hotchner.

On the screen through a grainy camera feed sat you, tied to a chair, ropes on your wrists and ankles. Your head was down, your hair obscuring part of your face, but spencer would recognize you anywhere. No matter how bad the camera quality was. He spent hours memorizing every part of your face, and body. He knew your mannerisms better than his own. He didn't even need his eidetic memory to know it was you. Your face jerks up suddenly, the videos lack of sound made spencer wonder what you heard on the other end.  Your left eye was swollen shut, and your lip was split and bleeding. Your hair was stained red around your temple. You were shaking your head, and suddenly sound crackled through the speakers on Hotchner's computer. 

“Are you going talk to me? Tell me why they think my brother murdered those women?!” A male voice seethed, his masked form appearing in front of you as he stepped out from behind the camera. There was nothing to identify him by, he was wearing all black, a ski mask, his voice was distorted. Spencers mind was racing through all the cases they worked, but there were so many unknown factors. How long ago had the case been worked? How many women? Where was the case? How many siblings were there? Just one pair of brothers? 

There were hundreds of people who could be holding you captive. They worked so many cases a year, without more context it was hard to narrow it down. But whoever this person was they believed that their brother didn't commit the crimes he was convicted of and he was gonna use you to get to the team.

“S-she cant answer him, he doesn't realize she cant tell him anything.” Garcia whispered as the man yelled at you once again. Causing you to flinch as he struck out with his hand, sticking across your cheek.

“TELL ME!” He screamed, the speakers on the computer distorting with the volume of his voice. 

Once again, the demand went unanswered. “Fine, if you're not gonna tell me, then maybe i’ll give them some incentive to look a little deeper at the case, my brother was executed for a crime he didn't commit. Wanna know why? Because im the one who killed those women. I want his name cleared. You have 12 hours, before i gut her like  fish. Tick Tock Dr. your time is running out.”

The screen went black as video cut out, a flashing timer appearing where your picture once was, counting down the time the team had left. 

Spencers heart dropped, and everything felt cold. How were they going to sift through hundreds of cases before time ran out.

~~~~

Your POV

Your head hurt, you could taste blood, and you’re pretty sure you won't be able to see out of you eye for a month. The man who took you was pacing back and forth behind the camera on the tripod he had set up. He was muttering to himself, talking about how there was no way they would be able to save you.

“You know, your life would be a lot easier if you just talked to me. Told me why, But no you choose to keep your mouth shut. And you know what? You’re gonna die because of it. I hope you trying to protect your precious boyfriend is worth your life.” He smiled, grabbing you by your hair, yanking your head backwards. You could see the camera lens, but you knew that it was off, the red light that was on when he was talking to who you assumed was the team was off.

A small whimper left you as he brushed a gloved hand down your cheek. You wanted nothing more than to scream and tell him that you knew nothing. That spencer and the others didn't tell you that sort of information, they didn't want to risk upsetting you. He didn't seem to care or grasp the concept that you couldnt talk to him. 

“Now im gonna go and drop off a little hint for them, make the game more exciting you sit here like a good girl okay?” He patted your cheek before walking away to the computer he was using to live stream to the team. He turned the monitor towards you, starting the stream again. 

“I’ll be watching you, so don't try anything while im gone.” 

The door slammed shut after a moment. Your head was still aching as you blinked at the screen. You didn't know what was going to happen, and the hopeless feeling got worse as you watched the timer tick down.

~~~~~ Spencers POV 

 The whole team was gathered around the round table. Morgan was sifting through piles of work, handing the cases that contained male unsub to spencer who was reading them just as fast as they were handed to him. Garcia had set up her computers on the round table, trying to desperately back trace the connection of the live feed. 

“Garcia you getting anywhere” JJ asks after a few moments, watching the techs fingers get faster over the keys.

“Actually yes, I was able to back hack him and get into the stream but i still cant get where its coming from.” She muttered as she glanced up at Spencer.

“Wait, you’re in the computer hes streaming from?” Spencers hand hovered over the page he was reading a moment before. 

“Yes why?” Garcias full attention was now on the genius.

“Can you get a message to Y/N, she might be able to give us a hint on where she is.” Spencer rounded the table, his stomach clenching at the sight of you. You were staring directly at the camera. Your eyes vacant, much like when your xanax kicked in after particularly bad panic attack. 

“I think so but he wouldn't leave this up of he wasn't watching it as well.” Garcias fingers were moving over the keys again. Overtaking the computer remotely.

“Thats fine, just tell her that we can see her, and that were looking for her.” Spencer glanced down at the screen again.

“Okay. i’ll try.” Garcia muttered under her breath, as she brought up a text screen  on the computer. Quickly typing out a message, and waiting for you to notice it. The whole team was now watching the camera. Waiting to see if you would respond, after a moment your eyes scanned the text. With wide eyes you looked directly at the camera, more tears flooded down your cheek. 

A knock on the door caught everyone's attention, a delivery boy stood in the doorway a visitors pass stuck to his jacket. “Um i was told to deliver this to a Spencer reid…” in his outstretched was a blue box with a white ribbon. 

“Who gave this to you?” Spencer asks, pulling the box from the boys arms, ripping open the ribbon and tearing back the flaps of the box. Inside lay 2 identical pins, each a snake with red eyes, and black stripes. 

“Um just some guy, i didn't really see him, he was in a dark suv, you know government looking vehicles. It didn't have any plates or anything, all he said was make sure this got to spencer reid in the BAU.” The boy looked between them all. 

“Thank you,” Hotch said as he took the boy by the arm, “Agent Morgan, is gonna ask you a few questions.”

With a nod at Spencer, Morgan followed Hotch out of the room. “What significance is a pin?” Emily wondered out loud. 

“Ive never seen anything like this before.” JJ murmured, peering over spencers shoulder. 

“Its gotta mean something. It was intended for me, so it must be for me to figure out.” Spencer glanced down into the box again. What kind of message was the Unsub trying to send. 

“Um shes trying to tell us something!!” Garcia's voice broke the silence that settled over the room as spencer wracked his brain for what the pins could mean.

“I -I cant tell what shes trying to sign, im not very good at it. We usually communicate on paper.” Garcia moved aside, as spencer moved around the table.

Your fingers were moving rapidly, fingerspelling something out, but without your full range of motion, it was hard to tell what letters you were spelling out. “Can you isolate her hand movements?” Spencer wondered.

“Yeah, yeah give me a second.”  Garcia’s fingers worked overtime to isolate your hand movements. 

“S-c-a-r e-y-e b-l-i-n-d… Scar, eye, blind. He has a scar through one eye, hes blind in one eye!” Spencer announces. The whole team pausing for a moment to think back on the cases. 

“Wait wait, you said that there was 2 identical pins in the box? What if hes telling us hes an identical twin.” Emily wonders, walking back over to the pile of cases spencer had been going through.

“The Ashby case! Twin brothers, one has a scar, yes! The Ashby twins, in knoxville tennessee. Jordan was thought to have murdered 3 women on his parents farm. He had an identical twin brother Joesph, but we ruled Joesph out because we didn't think he would be able to commit the crimes with having surgery on his eye after a car accident left him blind in his left eye.” Spencer remembers, the hospital records showed that Joseph had declined his home visit nurses around when Jordan was murdering the women.

“What if Joseph had his brother pose as him, all he had to do was have him put gauze over his eye and refuse the let the home nurses check it. No one would figure it out that it was actually Jordan. Jordan must’ve just been an accomplice, he never actually murdered those women. He still would’ve gone to jail, but he wouldn’t have face the death penality. “ Emily opens up the file, laying it out on the table, the crime scene pictures laid out. Spencers eyes race over the pictures, until something in the top corner of one of the pictures of the living room catches his eye. In a glass hutch is a set of identical snake pins.  Just like the ones in the box. 

“The pins! They were in the house.” Spencer exclaims, pointing to the hutch, so everyone can see it. 

“Okay so now we know who has her, but how do we find her?” Emily looks over at Garcia who is waiting with fingers poised over her computer keys.

“Garcia check and see if Joseph has used a card anywhere in our area within the last week, i want to know when and where he got here.” JJ says, going to stand behind the tech, watching as her finger fly over the keys. 

The timer appears over the small window Garcia has open, the count down now saying they have less than an hour to find you. Static crackles through the speakers and Josephs voices pours in. 

“Oh no, you didn't play by the rules. I said not to do anything, i saw you though, telling them things through the camera. Now since you broke my rules, im giving you one hour to find her, before i make this dumb mute scream.” 

~~~

Your POV

Blood rushing in your ears makes everything sound muffled, as your captor pulls a hunting knife out of his pocket. “You know, I said I’d give them an hour to find you, but I think we can have some fun beforehand, right?” His grimy hand slides across your cheek down your lip. 

“I’m gonna have so much fun.” He smiles, trailing the knife up your chest, cutting the fabric of your shirt. He trails the knife down the top drawing a thin line of blood as he increases the pressure, cutting into the skin by your collarbones. 

Hot pain sears through you, and bile rises in your throat as he gets closer. Your head is pounding, as he continues dragging the blade across your skin. Almost like he’s painting a sick and twisted picture with his knife. Tears have soaked the front of your shirt, stinging the wounds that decorated your chest. 

“C’mon it’s no fun if you don’t scream!” He seethes, just as he raises his knife and slams it into your thigh, right down to the plastic handle. It takes everything in you not to scream. To resist, to not give him the satisfaction of knowing how much it hurt. It’s hard to breathe as the pain lingers, gripping you with icy hands. He rips the blade out of your leg, and blood starts to pour out of the wound. Soaking through your jeans and dripping onto the floor. You vision goes fuzzy around the edges after a few moments, only to be brought right back as he proceeds to do it again. Higher up this time, closer to your femoral artery. A cold sweat breaks out over your body, the room tilts slightly, and your head falls forward, black spots dancing across your vision. 

Out of the corner of your eye you catch a small movement, a glimpse of dark blue against the nearly black shadows of the warehouse. After a moment you see it again, as your captor picks up the knife again, holding it in his hands, staring at you for a moment before moving towards you again. 

“FBI DROP YOUR WEAPON!” Morgan’s loud voice echoes across the building. He emerges from behind a pallet, followed by the rest of the team, sans JJ who appears seemingly out of nowhere, with her gun aimed at his head. 

“It’s over Joseph,” Spencer’s voice causes your head to groggily turn towards him. A small whine-like sound escapes, startling Joseph and he drops the knife. As it hits the ground JJ reaches forward grabbing his arms and dragging him to the ground Morgan rushing over to help restrain him.

“Spencer…. Help me.” Your chest heaves as you watch him slide to his knees in front of you. His long fingers press against your jeans staunching the flow of blood from the wounds. 

“I got you, you’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna be fine.” He tells you, resting his forehead against yours as tears flow freely down his cheeks. You can faintly hear Emily calling for an ambulance, as the world fades away.

~~~

2 months later

“Y/n! Oh look at you! Those shoes are ADORABLE!!!” Garcia's cheery voice startles you slightly as Spencer reaches down helping you out of the car. You were attending a party at Rossi’s, the first one after you were released from the hospital after the incident. 

Glancing down you take in the low heeled strappy shoes you were wearing. They were the only somewhat fancy shoes you could walk in, you were still going to physical therapy 3 times a week to strengthen your leg. Joseph’s knife had done some serious damage to the nerves and muscles. The emerald green dress you were wearing fell to just below your knees, hiding the compression brace on your thigh. 

“Thank you,” You smiled, and Garcia stopped, tears springing to her eyes. 

“You know the shoes are great, but hearing your voice just made my entire week. I thought you were never going to talk to us again.” She cried, grabbing you and pulling you close. You had spent almost a full month non verbal, not even talking to Spencer. But after spending a few weeks in a psychiatric care facility you had made amazing progress. You still had your bad moments, but you had been practicing with Spencer all the time, talking to him, working on not letting the overwhelming panic take over. 

“You’re doing amazing sweetheart,” Spencer wrapped his arms around your waist after Penelope let go. You both made your way into Rossi’s house, it was decked out in string lights and soft white and gold decor. 

After a few minutes of saying hello, and people getting over the fact that you were walking, and talking again. You leaned over towards Morgan, raising your champagne flute to your mouth, “what are we celebrating?” 

Morgan glanced down at you, a playful smile on his face. “You’ll see,” he said with a suspicious twinkle in his brown eyes. The music changed to a soft slow song and Spencer appeared next to you, his hand on your elbow. 

“Care to dance?” He smiled.

With a nod you allowed him to take your champagne flute, and set it on the bar top. Pulling you onto the dance floor in the middle of Rossi’s, Spencer rested his hands on your hips, swaying softly. The song came to an end, and the next one started.

JJ came over, “Can we take a picture?” She asked, holding up a camera. You leaned into her side and smiled wide. 

“Great thanks!” She gushed, taking a few steps back towards Will. You turned around and were momentarily confused. Spencer was just behind you. Then a small movement in your peripheral made you look down. You hands immediately covering your face, Spencer was down on one knee. A beautiful 3 carat round diamond ring with two smaller marquise cut diamonds on the side sat in a red velvet box. 

“Y/n, we have been through hell and back, especially this past year: but there is no one I would’ve wanted to go through it with other than you. You have shown me a new perspective on life. You taught me to appreciate the little things, and not take things f

or granted. I know I’m not the one who usually struggles to put things into words. But I don’t think any words could ever describe how much I love you. So would you do me the honor, and marry me?” Spencer’s eyes were glassy with tears as he looked up at you. 

“Yes, a million times yes.” You nodded, a smile breaking out over Spencer face as he stood sliding the ring onto your finger and kissing you deeply. 

Maybe talking wasn’t always such a bad thing. 

[storiesbyjes2g]

3.89 Lose control

During our conversation about pre-wedding activities, Sophia and I found the idea of having a party appealing, but we had reservations about the traditional bachelor and bachelorette party. I'd never been to one, but I'd heard stories about them. Getting wasted and dancing with other women didn't appeal to me at all. My party didn't have to follow that formula; we could spend the night however I wanted. But the real reason we were anxious was because we both we both had a small circle of friends. We loved kicking it with our respective squads, but a party with just one or two sims wouldn't be lit.

"What if we did a joint co-ed party?" she offered.

That was the most brilliant idea, and it relieved us both. I mean, the whole point of a bachelor/bachelorette party was just to hang out with friends and have a good time, right? Who's to say we couldn't do that together? Our friends and their plus ones were enough sims for a fun, intimate party.

We tried to take Mama's advice and not show up early this time and walked in with the first wave. Heh, if Sophia had agreed to my offer earlier, we could have been super late, but let's not dwell on that. While getting a drink, I saw Alessia. I was low-key pissed, to be honest. Not enough to make a scene or even snub her all night, but we were definitely not okay.

Dub snuck up on me, and I almost dropped my drink.

"This is a nice place," he said. "The food selection is...interesting."

"Yeah. I guess I should have been more specific when I requested light refreshments."

"It's all good. Nothing like a little natural sugar to get you pumped up!"

"That's right. I expect to see everyone dancing, Dubstep."

"Dubstep??"

"Yeah! I think it's about time I gave you a nickname."

"But Dubstep though? I can't stand that music! It's everywhere at home!"

"Sorry, dude. I'm not often this clever. It's sticking!"

"Ugh! You better be glad your name can only be shortened, or I'd come up with something annoying for you too!"

"HA! Thank you, granddad I never met, for a boring name."

"Oh, hi Dub," Sophia said. "Thanks for coming!"

"Of course I'd come. I gotta make sure my boy Luc stays out of trouble!"

Sophia laughed.

"That's kind of you, but totally unnecessary."

I loved she said that. We had several conversations about my female friends, and she always expressed her acceptance of them. I believed her, but part of me wondered if she was actually cool with it or just trying to avoid conflict. Those conversations triggered her sometimes, and I knew she was still dealing with scars her ex-trash man inflicted. I never gave her a reason to doubt me, and I intended to keep it that way. Even so, her display of trust touched me deeply.

Less and Justin were chilling in the corner, probably relieved that I was busy. Did they keep in touch? Probably not. Regardless, I was happy they maintained a small connection, even though I still believed he was much too old for her. Once Rashidah and her husband showed up, Sophia hit the dance floor and got the party going. I sat down and watched her, mesmerized by the thought that tomorrow she would be my wife.

Chi Chi latched onto Maia as soon as she arrived and did not let her go. When Dub noticed, he not-so-casually got closer and watched their every move. I don't know why I thought it was funny, but I laughed anyway. Seeing him transition through this relationship, going from uncertainty about pursuing it to worrying about someone encroaching on them, was fun to watch. I knew Chi Chi was harmless, but he didn't, so I didn't laugh too hard. Still, what was Maia thinking? She was so gracious to endure all that talking for two nights straight. I knew all too well how draining it could be, trying to keep up with all the words that flew out of her mouth.

I eventually finished my drink and got out there to shake it with everyone. Poor Dub didn't even take one step and spent the whole night watching Maia and Chi Chi. I made a mental note to talk to him about it before we left, so it didn't become a big deal later on.

The fruity drinks were lame, so I invited everyone to the bar downstairs and bought us a round. The thumping bass from the DJ downstairs reverberated through the walls, injecting a surge of energy into our group. Moving the party downstairs was a genius move. The room was buzzing with excitement. Lively conversations and laughter filled the air. In the midst of all the excitement, I spotted Less trying to slip away, but I quickly caught her eye and called her out.

"Where were you last night?"

"What?"

"The engagement dinner? You didn't show."

She shrugged.

"I didn't want to go."

I needed a moment before replying, because her response struck a nerve. Her indifference was no stranger to me; I'd been dealing with it my whole life. It annoyed me then, and triple annoyed me now. I usually coped with it by ignoring her, but this was something I could not shrug off.

"You couldn't at least call and tell me you weren't coming?"

"I guess. Why are you so upset? You had the dinner and now this party. They're pretty much the same thing, so why do I have to come to both?"

I was teetering on the edge of losing my cool, and it caught me off guard. Despite all the challenges I faced in my life, I could never truly feel angry. I could've been mad at Dad taking us away from Mama, but I was just a little kid and more scared than anything. I couldn't bring myself to be angry with Mama for breaking up our family because my love for her was too strong. Less always got on my nerves, and I could've been mad at her countless times, but I felt pressured to always be in control as the oldest, especially since she always copied me. I just wanted to experience losing control for once, but was that the moment to waste my chance? In the grand scheme of things, it wasn't that serious. Less was just being Less, and as much as it pained me to overlook it again, I just took a few deep breaths and re-centered myself before responding.

"You're my sim of honor, Less. Does that even mean anything to you? We were doing toasts, and you weren't there. Dub did a toast for me, and we just met. Maybe I should have asked him or Maira to be my sim of honor."

"I'm sorry, Luca! I thought it was just a casual dinner or something. I didn't think you'd be mad."

I sighed and shook my head at her.

"You never do, Less."

Speaking of Dub, I saw him stewing on the sidelines, so I let Less go and went to de-escalate him.

"Am I crazy?" he asked as I sat down. "Is she really that bold that she would try to take my girl in front of my face?"

I was glad to have something comical to take my mind off my annoying sister.

"She's harmless, man. A bit of a flirt, yes, and she talks a lot, but she would never do that to you. She's sweet."

"Brooo! The talking! I thought maybe she liked me too because she had me hemmed up all night last night. I barely escaped in time to make a toast!"

I laughed.

"Believe me...I am aware. I feel like she has a word quota she has to reach every day or she'll explode or something."

"Yeah, and she's spending it all on us!"

"Seriously... But for real...I really appreciate you doing that last night. My sister should have been the one making that toast, but she wasn't there, and that really hurt my feelings."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I got you, bro. Whatever you need."

"I appreciate that, Dubstep."

"HEY!"

Dub and Maia by @mysimsloveaffair

[yoomiwrites]

Sugar Rush¹⁵

Summary: Reader has been working directly under the Admirals, Kuzan, Kizaru and Akainu for years. Little by little, the dynamic changes and friendship (and more) develops.

Note: And the last chapter for today. Thanks for anyone who is reading this. ♡

The days had begun to blur together, each one passing in a haze of avoidance, self-doubt, and mounting pressure. Ever since that encounter in the storage room with Kizaru, I hadn’t been able to think straight. The realization that I might actually have feelings for him had me tied in knots, and now it was all catching up to me.

I’d been avoiding him. Not just casually dodging him in the halls, but actively making sure our paths never crossed. It was exhausting, mentally and physically. Every time I saw a flash of yellow in the distance or heard his lazy drawl echoing through the HQ, I turned the other way.

And, to my surprise, he didn’t approach me either. No teasing remarks, no sudden appearances, nothing. It was like he had sensed the shift in me and decided to let me be. Maybe that should have been a relief, but it only made things worse. Each day that passed without his usual presence only deepened the growing pit in my stomach.

I tried to focus on my work, to drown out the confusing mess of emotions with paperwork and reports, but nothing seemed to help. My mind kept wandering back to him, replaying every interaction, analyzing every word, every look. I kept asking myself why I couldn’t just talk to him—why something was stopping me from being honest with him, and, more importantly, with myself.

My work had started to slip. I knew it, and so did everyone else. Papers piled up on my desk, deadlines were missed, and my usual efficiency had become a distant memory. It wasn’t long before Akainu’s temper flared. He had chewed me out more than once over the past few days, his deep voice booming through the office as he demanded that I pull myself together. His frustration was understandable, and while he hadn’t been unreasonably harsh, I could feel the tension building. I was letting everything slip through my fingers, and it was only a matter of time before I’d be in real trouble.

I was at a low point, probably the lowest I’d been since starting this job. Sitting at my desk, staring blankly at the half-finished reports, I felt utterly drained. The weight of it all was pressing down on me, suffocating in its intensity.

And then, there was a knock on the door.

I didn’t bother looking up, assuming it was just another pile of paperwork being dumped on me. “Come in,” I mumbled, rubbing my tired eyes.

The door creaked open, and a familiar voice drifted into the room. "You know, you’re not very good at hiding things."

My head snapped up, and there stood Kuzan, leaning casually against the doorframe with a knowing smile on his face. His presence in the office was unusual—he rarely bothered with formalities—but the relaxed way he carried himself was still the same. He looked at me with a gaze that was softer than his usual cool demeanor.

“K-Kuzan?” I stammered, sitting up straighter in my chair, not sure what to expect.

He walked in, hands in his pockets, his usual laid-back attitude never wavering as he made his way toward my desk. “I heard you’ve been having a rough week,” he said nonchalantly, as though commenting on the weather.

I grimaced, feeling the weight of his words. "Something like that," I muttered, not really in the mood to explain myself.

Kuzan chuckled, pulling up a chair and sitting down across from me. “You’ve been avoiding him,” he said plainly, his eyes fixed on me, leaving no room for doubt about who he meant.

I froze, my heart skipping a beat. He knew. Of course, he knew.

“I—” I started, but the words caught in my throat. What could I even say?

Kuzan leaned forward slightly, his gaze soft but serious. “You don’t have to hide it, you know,” he said gently. “No one’s expecting you to be perfect all the time. And from what I can see, whatever this is, it’s eating you up. You can’t keep working like this.”

I lowered my eyes, unable to meet his. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I tried to lie, but even to my own ears, it sounded pathetic.

Kuzan just sighed, leaning back in his chair, as if my response didn’t surprise him. “Look, I don’t know what’s going on in your head, and I don’t know how Borsalino feels about all this, but…” He paused, as if carefully choosing his words. “You’re not doing yourself any favors by pretending nothing’s wrong.”

I bit my lip, feeling the familiar tightness in my chest. He was right, of course. I was falling apart, and the more I tried to avoid the truth, the worse it was getting.

Kuzan’s voice softened even further, something I hadn’t expected. “If you have feelings for him, you need to deal with that. Keeping it bottled up is only going to make everything worse.”

I stared at my hands, my mind racing. “But what if…” I trailed off, my voice barely above a whisper. “What if he doesn’t feel the same? What if I’m just making things up in my head?”

Kuzan gave a slow, thoughtful nod. “That’s a possibility. I’m not going to lie to you. I don’t know how Borsalino feels about any of this, and there’s always a chance that things won’t work out the way you want them to.”

His words made my heart sink, but he continued before I could fully dwell on the fear.

“But,” he added, “isn’t it better to know? To get it out there and move on, one way or another? Otherwise, you’re just stuck. And from the looks of it, you’re on the fast track to losing your job if you keep going like this.”

I winced at the truth in his statement. My work had become a disaster, and I knew I was teetering on the edge. Akainu had already reprimanded me several times, and if things didn’t improve soon…

Kuzan stood up, stretching lazily before turning toward the door. “You’re stronger than you think, you know. But even strong people need to face their feelings sometimes.”

He paused at the doorway, glancing back at me with a small, knowing smile. “Just talk to him. Whatever happens, you’ll be better off for it.”

And with that, he was gone, leaving me alone in the silence of my office.

I sat there for a long time, his words echoing in my mind. I had spent so much time running, avoiding the truth, but maybe Kuzan was right. Maybe it was time to face it head-on. To finally deal with the feelings I had been trying so hard to ignore.

[bunni-v1]

First Years Finding Out Your A Girl?!?! (NOT CLICKBAIT!!!)

TW: Mild swearing, STRICTLY Female Reader, Discussion of Jack having a good sniffer (lol)

Info: Headcannons; Ace, Deuce, Jack, and Epel x Reader (platonic); Mostly for fun

🍓Hi. I'm back... sorta. I didn't have much time to write over the summer, and I honestly don't know how much I can write during school cause my schedule is... yikes. But I picked up something I wrote a while ago, edited it, and decided to post it. I'll be answering whatever's in my ask box right now, and then maybe work on some other stuff.

Ortho & Sebek

Second Years

Third Years

Dorm Leaders

-Okay so, I know we’re all wondering, how the hell do you get away with hiding your gender for so damn long?

-Firstly, those ceremonial robes do great at hiding the figure. The only tell would maybe be your hair, but feminine men aren’t unwelcome at Nightraven College, so you mostly get a few questioning stares and that’s it.

-Secondly, Crowley wants to save his own fucking ass. He already has to hide from the press that he has a MAGICLESS student from ANOTHER DIMENSION here, he doesn’t need the fact that you are a woman ALSO on his plate. So, obviously, he helps you hide your gender from others.

-Grim knows, of course, and he keeps his mouth shut for a few yummy cans of tuna (and threats of being expelled from Crowley <3)

-Even when you were just a janitor, he couldn’t have the rumor that he put a “helpless” young woman to work. (Like it wouldn’t be expected.)

-So how do you two do it?

-Baggy ass uniform. Crowley gave you at least three sizes too big.

-Your figure is completely hidden. Sure, you look completely homeless, but at least you’re hidden.

-For your voice, you simply deepen it. After some point, you blackmail Crowley into giving you a potion to help with it, since it's so taxing on your voice. (Or maybe your voice is naturally deep!)

-Sam provides you (for an unfairly pretty penny (not too different from your original world…)) any feminine hygiene products you might need.

-Honestly, you’re set for being cared for, but it’s the adjustment period that’s the hardest part. 

-Truly, it’s very jarring to suddenly be thrown into both a magical world and be isolated in a man's world with nowhere to hide.

-At least in your world you had other women who could understand your struggles. Here though? You’re completely alone.

-You notice how… messy some of these guys could be. How some of them smell… really rancid. -How rough they were with you and each other.

-Honestly, it’s kinda eye-opening. The way men show affection to each other is oddly refreshing to watch and experience!

-Ace and Deuce specifically are a good… trial run.

-That’s not what we’re here to talk about though…

-For the most part, it's incredibly easy to hide yourself for the first while on campus. Everyone on campus is so self-absorbed that they don’t bother questioning you.

-Your only real risk factor is Savannaclaw, but it's easy to avoid those guys (minus Jack, of course, but we’ll get to him).

-However, you can only hide your gender for so long… It’s mentally draining to keep up this facade all the time around people you care about.

-So… how do they find out?

FIRST-YEAR SQUAD

Ace

-He’s one of the first ones who find it out, and it’s in the very cliche anime way.

-After some point of knowing you, Ace is so comfortable that he just invites himself into ramshackle. 

-It’s never been an issue or anything. You’re thick as thieves now, you’ve survived death together a handful of times. If you ask Ace, that’s about as close as you can get with someone.

-Normally, you and Grim are just sitting around in the living area, but this time you aren’t. However, he does hear voices coming from your room. His curiosity is peaked.

-So, slippery guy that he is, he sneaks up to your room and his curiosity only grows when he hears a woman’s voice. Prefect getting lucky? And he didn’t tell him? Ace thought you guys were friends.

-He creeps up to your room, slides open your door, and!!! Holy shit it’s you. It’s you in a towel. It’s you and you’ve got tits?!?! 

-His first reaction is to… well… scream.

-“You’re a girl?!?”

“Why are you in my room???”

“You’ve got- boobs!”

 “Get out Ace!”

-Bro sits very politely and very quietly on your couch after that. Deep behind his blank stare, he is seething. You were a girl this whole time, and you didn’t tell him! He thought you guys were friends!

-He definitely fights you about it once you’re down and dressed. He’s just salty, he’ll get over it. 

-Swears up and down he won’t tell anyone.

-Immediately tells Deuce.

-That's it though! Deuce is part of the main quartet, he deserves to know! (You scold him for this too, but you figured it would happen one way or another).

-From him finding out, he doesn’t really treat you differently. You’re still a person, why should he act differently cause you’ve got different body parts than him.

-Though, and he won’t admit this, he’s a bit more… watchful of the others around you. Yeah, you can hold your own and he respects you… but guys like Azul exist, and he’s seen firsthand the torture Azul is capable of. 

Deuce

-As stated before, Ace outs you to Deuce almost immediately after finding out.

-Deuce, in all his awkward glory, completely shuts down. Disconnects from this plane of existence. He cannot believe the news he was just told.

-You, one of his best friends in all of twisted wonderland. You, the person who survived multiple overblots alongside him. You, who have seen him at his most vulnerable… are a girl.

-It isn’t even the fact that you’re a girl, it’s the fact that you kept this a secret from him for so long. You guys are… bros… how could you possibly hide something so important from him. Did you not trust him?

-Yeah… he overthinks things quite a bit.

-He also ambushes you the very next day with a million questions (very loudly (very in public)), to which you calm him down and reassure him that “No, Deuce, I don’t suddenly hate you. I wasn’t hiding it from you maliciously. I was going to tell you at some point, I just hadn’t had a good time to.”

-Deuce’s behavior definitely… changes… in some ways. 

-Deep down he knows you’re a kick-ass bitch and you don’t need to be cared for, but he can’t help but want to. 

-It’s definitely his mommy issues in play here.

-He just becomes more… protective and aware around you. Not in a creepy obsessive way, just in the same way a guard dog would. 

-Like Ace, he’s more than aware of what the people on this campus are capable of, and you’re completely magicless on top of being more feminine. Some guys at NRC would hop on an opportunity like that like nothing.

-He just doesn’t want to see his friends getting hurt okay :(

-It’s like you gained an overprotective older brother who also sometimes barks!

Jack

-Out of everyone, Jack was the first to find out.

-I don’t wanna be the cliche writer but… he’s got a sniffer on him. 

-He definitely could smell that something was up, but he didn’t want to assume! 

-You could be trans, you could be genderfluid, you could be anything other than a woman! It’s not his place to judge, and smell isn’t always the end all be all. You could just really smell feminine and that's how guys come in your world.

-Mr. Respectful would never want to assume anything… but he’s a little curious he won’t lie.

-Jack REALLY found out shortly after Ace, Deuce and Grim got their asses in trouble with Azul. 

-He’d never been given a reason to spend any more than a few minutes around you at a time. However, since he got pulled into this mess, he’s spent a lot more time with you.

-It happened when he was forced to hide under the desk in his office.

-You were so close and you just… smelled like a girl.

-He is so polite and so upstanding, he would NEVER ask you directly. But the suspense of not knowing really does take a number on him.

-By the end of Azul’s overblotting he is so awkward and nervous around you, that you absolutely have to say something.

-At this point, you figured most of the beastmen had an idea of you being feminine, however, you had no real confirmation of that. 

-Jack is such a “let's not bother other people” kind of guy, that you knew he wouldn’t want to say anything to you if you knew… so you decided to take the plunge.

-At the museum, you pull him aside and you have to ask.

_”Jack?”

“Hm?”

“You know, don’t you?”

“…”

“I figured as much. Don’t tell anyone, m’kay? I want to tell my friends on my terms.”

-It makes Jack respect you more than he already did. Not only did you have the confidence to confront him, but you did it calmly and you were understanding of his position.

-And honestly? Not much changes between the two of you.

-He just respects you a little more. He’s not particularly protective around most other students, he talks to you the same, and he doesn’t act like you’re special. You’re just… a friend. 

-The only thing that he may be different about is other beastmen. He does his best to shield you from them if he feels they might be a threat to your well-being. 

Epel

-Epel, being a more feminine-looking man himself… doesn’t think much of you.

-At this point, you’re well acclimated to things at nightraven college, and are very good at being “one of the boys.”

-His ONLY implication is how… differently Rook and Kalim treat you.

-At this point, Kalim has found out via the previous chapter, and Rook knows because of course he does. (We won’t be getting into that today though)

-They both are more… delicate with you? Rook whips out the charm times ten when you’re around. Kalim, although friendly with everyone, seems to be even MORE friendly when you’re around. Like he wants you to like him.

-Even Deuce and Ace have a few… odd tells.

-They both pointedly ensure Jamil is at least five feet away from you at all times. Glare at Rook when he’s a little too charming.

-Other than that, nothing really gives it away.

-Epel is completely and totally in the dark because you’re really good at hiding that you’re a woman.

-He does, however, eventually find out because… Deuce slips up. He’s there giving his big speech on the beach, hyping Epel up, and somehow he manages, “And the prefect is a woman, but she never lets that get in her way!”

-Epel: Shocked, confused, in awe… says nothing. He lets the information ruminate.

-He lets it ruminate for a very long time.

-So long, in fact, that he doesn’t raise his suspicions until the two of you are on a broom heading off to save Vil’s life.

-The silence was killing him, so he had to ask.

-“Prefect, are you a girl?”

“You didn’t know?”

“I couldn’t be sure, I look like a girl too, so you never know.”

“Yes, Epel, I’m a girl.”

“…Cool.”

-Honestly, he’s kind of jealous of you. You passed better than him, and you had to try harder.

-It doesn’t change how he treats you, honestly. He’s not that kind of country bumpkin, but he won’t lie and say he doesn’t have a little resentment held against you.

-He thinks you’re cool as hell, and you help redefine what femininity can look like to him much better than what Vil does.

-He, however, does actively become more protective of you. 

-Not because he thinks you can’t fend for yourself, but because he kinda wants to show off a little.

[general--winter]

uchiha shisui x reader - not a snowbird

author's note: I PROMISE I'm working on requests, I've just been working a bit more on ventfic one shots in my free time since it's finals and I kinda can't function, especially since I graduate university in two weeks, lol. This fic is greatly inspired by my own experiences with anxiety attacks and mental illness, so it's definitely not a one-size-fits-all type of deal. Hope you all enjoy!

rating: teen

fandom: naruto

pairing: uchiha shisui x gn!reader

word count: 2419

warnings: anxiety attacks, self-doubt/self-loathing, general mental illness descriptions

summary: snowbird - someone who migrates to warmer climates to avoid the winter cold

Sometimes, you can feel the void in your chest.

It burns ice into your heart, into your stomach. You shiver but you aren’t actually cold. It sucks the oxygen out of your lungs and causes you to hyperventilate. Your extremities tremble, every muscle in your body tenses. You try to catch your breath. There was no air to be consumed. You’re drowning in anxiety, the ice seizing control of every nerve in your body and brain, curling through them and freezing you from the inside-out. Your limbs scrunch up and your throat constricts, fighting against your instinct to breathe. At some point, the feeling in your hands and feet has vanished. It’s almost as if your body wants to shut down. That would certainly make sense, considering your inability to form any cohesive thought. Primitive thought was all you were capable of. Basic survival instincts. But even those are pushing to their max; seeing as your heart rate has skyrocketed and you’re heaving for breath faster than if you’d just ran a mile. Even though quite literally nothing had happened to make your fight-or-flight instincts surface.

Yeah. Anxiety attacks were fun. Especially when you had to hide them from your  house party guests. When they're the presumed cause.

You pulled yourself into a ball, trying to drain any heat you could from the wool blanket you kept in the bathroom for this very purpose. All you were able to do was drench it in your chills-induced sweat. And the tile floor pressed against your cheek was certainly not doing you any favors.

All the while, your thoughts raced. There were so, so many people around. All asking you about every minute detail about your life. Teasing you about your worst insecurities, prodding at topics that made you freeze up. It was too much at once. Everyone here was just a reminder of your past failures. Asking you why you never moved away from home, what happened to the rebellious nature you used to flaunt, why you were so compliant with the life path you always denounced—

From tailbone to skull, a violent, spasming shiver wracked your body. Where did all of your body heat go during times like these, you wondered? Did the cool floor drain it away? Or was your body leeching every ounce of warmth into the air to further torture you? There simply was no answer now, though you rationally knew it was just a sensation. A trick of the body and mind.

This situation sucked. And you had to reel it in before the partygoers got suspicious of their host’s absence. The music and chatter of your family and friends taunted you from outside, morphing into a muffled rumble as they entered your perception. Were you underwater? Your lungs might as well be filling with water rather than air. There was no relief from your stressed breathing.

It was a failure. Just like everything else in your life. Like how you couldn't do what you promised at seventeen, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at the doors of your university. Sure, you had graduated, but now what? You’re back in your hometown, right where you said you would never go again. Now your body’s natural instincts were betraying you, were kicked into overdrive. Making you a panicked mess on the floor of your new apartment’s bathroom. It was pathetic, you thought.

Knock, knock, knock!

The clear, rapt knocks of the wooden door pierced your eardrums through the haze of noise beyond, causing you to jump in place, clutching ever stronger to anything you could use to ground yourself, to physically keep yourself from sinking. Who came to your bathroom? The party was in another part of the apartment with a half-bath nearby. No one even knew where this one was, nor did they have any reason to come all the way here. It was your safe space. A defensive cove no one would find while you were breaking down. Honestly, you were shocked you had half a mind to stumble in here however long ago you started to panic. A few minutes? An hour? What time was it, anyway?

“Hey, is everything alright in there?” a voice gently spoke from the other side. Who had come here to laugh at your misery? Your senses were so overwhelmed that you barely registered the identity of the voice.

You couldn’t, didn't want to muster a response to this mystery person. They were surely someone you knew, and out of the twenty-or-so people at your place right now, there was only one you think you could eventually be okay with finding you here.

And, well, to your (mis)fortune, that exact person picked the lock of the bathroom effortlessly and nudged the door open. It made sense, after all. He was the only person who could ever tell when you left the room; it seemed that sometimes you were invisible to everyone but him. Your sunken-in, puffed eyes met his near-black ones above, sparkling and wide with concern. Half-delirious, you weren’t sure if he was an angel coming down from above to save you or a devil stalking over its prey.

“Oh, sweetie,” he sighed, coming to kneel down in front of you after quietly closing the door. The closer he got, the faster your breath rushed through your lungs. When he got too close, you were sure he could feel the arctic rush of air settled around your cocoon.

“Shisui… help,” you managed in a herculean effort.

“Do I help by staying or leaving?” he whispered, still crouched.

“Staying,” you forced out, reaching for his hand like you were about to tumble down a sheer cliff.

“Physical touch is okay?” he checked.

“Yes… No more talking for now… please.” The voice croaking those words was almost foreign. 

With a nod, Shisui scooped you up, blanket and all. He was so, so warm. Like you were laid atop a furnace. You sucked every ounce of heat from his body while he silently took you to your bed. His breathing obviously deepened and took on a steady rhythm. Was he trying to get you to match?

Shisui placed you gingerly under your comforter, pulling away the emergency blanket from your shoulders. In an instant he'd worked his way around to the other side of the bed and slipped under to grasp your halfway-catatonic body, folded instantly into a cocoon, in a warm embrace.

There was something about the way Shisui cuddled you, especially at times like these. While you were in that fetal position with your eyes clamped shut, trying to catch your breath at his pace like you ran a marathon, the pressure of his arms and body on you breathed life back into your icy limbs. Sensations in your fingers and toes returned, first to static and then to the gentle rubbing of Shisui's dress shirt and pants.

And when his hand stroked your head in just the right way, Shisui was blown back by the force of your reciprocated hug. He let out a gentle chuckle and continued to calm you. One of Shisui's arms was anchored around your shoulders, making sure you were tethered to reality, to your bed. His free hand traced gentle, random patterns on the plane of your clothed back. A long time ago, you'd told him that it was one of the most relaxing things someone could do to you. Ever since, it has been Shisui's go-to in these situations.

Your face dug into his chest, the scent of cologne overtaking your senses. The familiarity of it all smashed the breaks on your heartbeat and your body’s functions started to finally decelerate. Shisui was a very soft person to lay on. He was a lot more fit than you, but there was still some squish to his body. It filled out his figure aesthetically, but what mattered more to you was that it made him so much more comfortable to cuddle.

However, you suddenly became self-aware of how much your grasping hands must have been messing up his shirt and wrinkling the entire backside. Oh great, and you were starting to cry on his chest, making it all soggy. What if Shisui wanted to get back to having fun with everyone? If you remembered correctly, he was in an animated conversation with your dad about something. Weren’t you holding him back from doing what he wanted? And… did you even deserve to be comforted after abandoning your guests?

Swiftly, you let go of Shisui and tried to turn your back to him to make him let go. That, infuriatingly, did nothing to sway his grasp on your body, although now he was quite confused. His brows knitted together and his soft gaze was fixated on you. Only you.

I don’t even think I deserve to be comforted, you spiraled. I’m ripping Shisui away from his fun time and letting everyone else down just because I’m too pathetic to put up with some silly questions.

“You can go back,” you breathed out onto his shirt after trying in vain once again to worm your way from his arms and cocoon once again into your bed. “I don’t want to keep you. And I should go back soon, too.”

“Hey, you little dumpling,” gently teased Shisui, the soft lilt of his voice drawing a sob closer to your throat. You felt one of his rough hands run atop your head again. “I’m here for you, you've gotta get better. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

You opened your eyes and looked upwards, facing his tender expression. Normally, your heart would waver, but right now you were too caught up in your own self-loathing and panic to even think about that.

“But we really should get back to the party. I don’t want to hold you back from everyone,” you whispered. “I’ve already messed up your shirt too. It’s not presentable anymore. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry.” A firm, but loving tone accompanied these words. “You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. I know this can happen to you. I’m sorry that this is something you experience.”

Shisui shifted to sit up with a creak of the bed, dragging your head to lay on his soft lap. Your gaze focused up his body to look at him. One cheek was pressed against his body, the other caressed by his hand, gently wiping away the mist of tears on your lashes.

“If I could take on all of the hurt, all of the anxiety you experience, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I can’t. So the second best thing I can do is be here while you do.”

“But I’m wasting your time,” you whimpered. “You shouldn’t have to deal with this. With me.”

“Hey. No,” Shisui gently scolded, bringing his palm to stroke your one upturned cheek. You hesitantly met his intense gaze, focusing more on his eyelashes than his pupils. “When I said I wanted to be your boyfriend all that time ago, I meant it. And that means I’m your partner. During the ups and downs, during times of suffering and joy. I’m not a snowbird, I’m here for all of it. I chose to be with all of you. And this is included. So I will dedicate myself to you fully.” He smirked. "That's just the kind of guy I am, yeah?"

You let out a little snort, his speech breaking through the final layer of ice surrounding your heart. “That kind of sounded like wedding vows.”

A red-hot blush spread across Shisui’s face, and his once-intense eyes now shied away. He muttered while shoving his face slightly into your pillow, but you were able to catch what he said:

“Maybe I should write that down so I can say it again one day.”

A ghost of a smile graced your lips. Once again, you wrapped your arms around Shisui’s waist, now enjoying the rise and fall of his breath. The periodic motion and slight whistle of his nose slowed your beating heart while finally and successfully matching your breaths to his. No longer was ice pumping through your veins, but real, genuine blood that breathed life into your body once more.

You allow the sensation of being present in the moment to wash over you a bit more. In this time, you shift yourself back up into a sitting position to nuzzle into Shisui's shoulder, his arm draping over you once more and one hand reaching out to pinch your nose shut.

"If you don't mind me asking," he spoke with care, "what's got you so worked up? I've gathered that you feel guilty for keeping me and for leaving the party, but—"

You cut him off in a nasally voice. "I was just super overwhelmed by everyone asking me questions that shamed me. It wasn’t on purpose, I don’t think. They're all done by now, it was at the beginning of the party, but it was just really digging under my skin."

"Okay," Shisui replied with a snicker, letting go of your nose. "It’s over, then. You’ve got it out of your system. There’s no need to feel guilty, either. You were feeling unwell, so you left. I’m pretty proud of you for that. Maybe we can work up to leaving before an attack starts. You know, set some boundaries.”

“Yeah, I can talk to my therapist about it,” you replied. “I still feel a little guilty about everything, but… thank you for being here for me.”

“Of course. Anything for you, alright? Are you up to going back?”

“I think I spent all of my energy,”  you said, volume barely above a whisper. “I don't think I’ll be able to get out of this bed no matter how hard I try.”

“The party’s been winding down anyway. I’ll get rid of everyone for you, yeah?”

Shisui slipped out of the bed in one fluid motion, leaving a pool of warmth behind. Your head hit the backboard and your eyes slid closed, soaking in the presence that Shisui left behind as he took care of wrapping up your get-together. He was always so kind and understanding with you. It made your heart race in a different, more pleasing fashion. No matter what, he always made sure you knew you were supported by him. And, well, no matter how hard your brain tried to fight, you knew Shisui would always be there to grapple back until you learned how.

[creativecuteness]

Total Slaughter Island (Rescue Rangers) Chapter 1: One Month Earlier

Alright the official chapter one, I actually had a lot of fun writing this one. Back stories and different POV's are always so much fun to write. I don't really have much to say other than thanks to all the people who are reading this story I hope you'll like the chapter and more insight on Dakota's relationship with Chris.

Dakota Natalie was a kindhearted, gentle, quiet, but compassionate young girl. Her long brown hair and trustworthy eyes made her more approachable than the busy, stressed-out, and, at times, cold and distant members of Fresh TV. Who were scrambling to make deadlines and get the live feed up and running for what is hoped to be the hottest new teenage reality show, Total Drama Island.

Ever since last year, Chris has been planning his show with crazy challenges, high stacks, and, of course, drama-filled rivalries. (And maybe a hint of romance if sparks flow.)

But the real kicker was the one million buckeroos (in Canadian currency, of course) that were offered to the contestant that lasted the longest. (In other words, the person who avoids elimination in a pool of twenty-one other teenagers.)

Dakota expected that money to not even last a week. No kid, no matter how responsible, should have that much money without a little supervision. If she won that prize, her father would store the money away for both a rainy day and college funds. (Not that she even planned to go to college.)

Even though she’s been working for Chris for about six months, she couldn’t say she truly enjoyed it. Sure, the job paid well, and she got to work alongside her dad; however, it was just too overwhelming; the constant hustle and bustle left her physical, social, and mental batteries drained.

It was just too much for her introverted personality; she couldn’t handle high-stress and high-pressure jobs. She desperately needed some quiet time to recharge and had been contemplating quitting for a while. However, it was a stable income most kids her age didn’t have, not to mention she’d have to find a new job to replace this one, and she had no idea what she even wanted to do for a living. So, until she got her life figured out, she'll hold her tongue and exhaustion and went back to work. If she could even call it that since things have been very slow today, it was meant to be the series premiere of Total Drama, and yet she hasn’t been called down for coffee requests, to take notes on viewer opinions, or to watch the live feed to make sure everything was in working order.

Heck, she hadn’t heard from Chris since yesterday, which wasn’t a call for concern in itself per se. Her relationship with her boss has soured a bit ever since he started working on this project. Cutting corners by finding the cheapest island money could buy and lying to everyone, stating the game show took place in a five-star resort. Heck, even the food Chef was cooking broke every health code imaginable.

To say the show was created by a mentally stable individual was the understatement of the century. The way the contents were treated seemed like Chris thought they were cartoon characters doomed to be thrust into slapstick gag after violent slapstick gag. And to Dakota, that mindset was a lawsuit waiting to happen, not that she was surprised.

She always had a sneaking suspicion that Chris was masking his true personality, and Dakota was pretty sure he didn’t notice these observations the young girl took note of. Whether Chris was consciously aware of these patterns of behavior did matter, as it just proved her point that Chris was not what he seemed. In fact, Dakota brought up the behavior to her friend Amy, who was studying to become a therapist, and she agreed that Chris may be a sociopath. Or was it Psychopath? Dakota could never remember the differences.

She glanced at the clock hanging overhead; it was almost midday, meaning the contestants should be participating in their first challenge already, but the cameras were still down. Where was Chris? Why did it seem the show had gone radio silent? And more importantly, what was going on?

She was tempted to call someone and ask if everything was alright when, speak of the devil, she heard panicked whispers and peeked out the door frame to see numerus cameramen, producers, interns, and Chris and Chef themselves. They were back eight weeks early. no campers in sight, and no prize money was distributed. (Or at least not to her knowledge.)

She strained to hear what they were discussing, praying they came back cause of camera failure, but what she was able to make out shook her to the core.

“That was a close one; I thought I was going to be next.” An intern breathed in relief but seemed pretty shaken.

“Yeah, forget that stupid island; I’d rather make it big in the city than stay on a floating death trap.” Another staff member chuckled uneasily; the air felt tense with fear, whatever happened seemed to give everyone a fright.

“What happened down there?” Dakota questioned, “And where’s the campers?” She continued listening, and what she heard next made her heart drop.

“Good job, everyone! phew, we just avoided certain disaster. Now, how about you wash up? I’ll make some calls and see if we can rangel a new setting some more teens and forget the whole murderer on the island thing ever happened.

Dakota’s eyes widened, murderer?! Was someone murdered while filming? She feared something like this would happen considering the challenges Chris laid out weren’t safety-inspected.

“Please don’t let it be a camper; please don’t let it be a camper.” She prayed, hoping it was just an intern and not one of the contestants. Speaking of which, where were they? The young girl hoped Chris wasn’t heartless enough to just leave without them, but of course, asking Chris to be selfless in a situation like that is wishful thinking.

"Uh, Chris, are you sure it was a good idea to leave the rest of the kids on the island? For all we know, the killer could still be there.” Chef spoke his concern,

“Nonsense, they should be fine." He brushed off with a giggle, “I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the campers had a secret bloodlust and took it out on poor Zeke. If the killer doesn’t kill them, starvation and a harsh winter will. Now, I don’t want a word of this getting out to the public if anyone asks; the show ran into technical difficulties and will no longer be filmed live. Understand?” He glared, to which everyone agreed, not wanting to lose their job.

“Good, now if we..." Dakota listened until Chris got out of earshot, unable to believe her ears. A murderer on Camp Wawanakwa? And someone named Zeke was killed?!

“Wait, who was Zeke again?” She thought, she never got the chance to meet the campers in person.

She was startled out of her thoughts when a fellow co-worker eating some chips spoke up, “What’s up, girl? You seem like you’ve seen a ghost."

Dakota looked at her friend, Emily Jones. She had dark brown hair, two strands tied into small pigtails, brown eyes, wore a pink striped shirt, black jeans, ankle-high boots, and a black jacket tied around her waist.

“Yeah, just surprised to see Chris back so soon.” She spoke, feeling uneasy about the whole thing: “I thought the show lasted eight weeks?”

“Oh, you didn’t get the memo?” Emily spoke up, sitting upright.

“What memo?”

“The show’s been canceled; apparently some kid named Ezekiel Miller kicked the bucket. I guess the real world was too much for a sheltered homeschooler.” She revealed it a bit too nonchalantly for her friend’s liking.

“Wait, what happened?!”

“Some surfer dude found his severed head under his bunk late last night, and his legs were found not long after. The network was so freaked out they pulled the show off the air before any damage could be done.”

“Did they see who killed him?”

“Nope, Homeschooler was last seen heading to the confessional when some maniac grabbed him by the scruff of his hoodie and dragged him deeper into the forest. When Zeke didn’t return, Chris sent someone to search for him and found his legs and a threatening message in the outhouse. Yeah, they ran off like a bunch of animals with their tails between their legs and hightailed it out of there.”

“Did they get that all on camera?”

“Most of it, thankfully, it wasn’t shown on air. They were more concerned with scenes that showed the whole group than one lowly, sexist teenager raised by misogynistic parents in the prairies. Oh, did I mention he’s been homeschooled his whole life?”

“Yeah, once or twice.” Dakota muttered, surprised by how Emily wasn’t bothered by this. “What about the other campers? Please tell me they’re  safe."She hoped, but the next words her friend spoke shattered them immediately.

“Nope, those kids are dead meat. Chris and the crew bailed shortly after Zeke was found and left everyone else behind. Assuming the killer isn’t one of them, those campers are as good as dead.”

“No, they can’t be dead!” She yelled, feeling angry tears well up inside of her. “We can’t just sit back and let them die; we have to call the police, the coast guard, any..." Dakota abruptly stopped the last bit of Emily’s sentience, registering, “Wait, what do you mean assuming the killer isn’t one of them?”

“Exactly what I said.” She replied, “Isn’t it obvious? Someone must’ve gotten fed up with Ezekiel’s sexist remarks and confronted him about it. Being the socially oblivious person he is, he continued running his mouth, causing the blackened to become even more fed up until... She paused for dramatic effect, Dakota on the edge of her seat, as Emily explained her theory: “Wham! The murderer pulls out a weapon, and Homeschooler is no more. My money is on the delinquent; he’s been to juvie, ya know, and had a switchblade on him. I wouldn't put it past him to steal a meat cleaver from the kitchen.”

Emily returned to snacking, leaving her friend stunned silent. Was it possible? Could one of the campers be capable of doing this? To an innocent teenager who, yes, had backward views on society, but it wasn’t his fault, his parents filled his brain with misinformation.

“What are we going to do?” She asked quietly,

Emily turned to her friend and sighed sadly for once, showing empathy for the situation: "Nothing; the network doesn’t want to risk any more casualties, and getting authorities is out of the question. The island is undisclosed, and revealing that information will make us prime suspects, and according to the network and Chris, we can’t risk that. We spent a lot of money on this show’s success, and now that it’s canned, they don’t want to waste any more resources on some flimsy rescue mission. Their words not mine. Wait, where are you going?!”

Dakota got out of her seat, emotionally driven and demanding, answers, “I’m paying Chris a visit.” She spoke, straightening her denim jacket and pink dress. Fellow workers bid her good afternoon as she walked past, but they were ignored as she stormed down the halls until she reached a door with a large star-shaped dressing room sticker that read Chris McLean in black cursive letters. Dakota didn’t bother to knock as she barged in.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!" She exclaimed and automatically regretted not knocking. “Oh god! Ewgh! fluff!” She cursed, shielding her eyes, seeing Chris not only shirtless but fully orange.

“Oooo, someone used your tanning bed again?” She asked, the initial disgust fading away, seeing a bit of humor in the tanning incident. “Ha, that’s called Karma Bud." She thought smugly,

“Yep, and I have a pretty good idea who.” He said, “Also, I don’t remember giving you bragging privileges. What’s with the sudden outburst?"

Fully remembering why she came, Dakota put on her best defensive stance and confronted her boss. “Chris, I know what you did; you left twenty-one teenagers to die on a deserted island with no way out.”

"Whoa, whoa, slow down there. First of all, I didn’t abandon them; I just took a minor detour. Second of all, I didn’t leave anyone for dead. I have full intention on returning to rescue them.”

“Oh yeah, when?” She inquired, not convinced in the slightest,

Chris winced, knowing that lie wasn’t going to work. “Well, aren’t you just on a roll? Okay, yes, I’ll admit maybe I ran off when I saw that message and Ezekiel’s legs; maybe I should’ve warned the campers and got us all out of there. But I freaked out. Could you blame me?! The last thing I needed was my head on a platter, not to mention the time it’d take to get everyone out could’ve meant someone else’s life.”

"Yeah, well, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few!” Dakota snapped, “Now those teens are really gonna die and...! Have you no soul?!”

Chris winced again, trying to console an angry and emotional girl. “If this is what raising kids is like, I’m gonna rethink my answer on adopting.”

"Look, I know this is hard for you to understand. But sometimes you need to make sacrifices. Sure, a few people may get a bit ticked off, but one day they’ll get over it.”

“Not if it’s one of their children dying! Those kids had families, Chris; they’re the same age as me, and they could be dead in a week's time! Career or no career, they will never forgive you for this; you’re a coward, Chris! You saw danger and ran the moment it peaked its ugly head. You just cost innocent lives their whole future!” She yelled, fully crying now.

“Dakota, you know the network doesn’t want us...

"No, save it! I don’t care what the network wants; I want them home safe and sound and the killer brought to justice. I don’t want to be mixed up in your mistakes, and if you won’t rescue them, so help me, I will!” She yelled, slamming the door, leaving Chris dumbfounded. “Well, she took that just about as well as I expected.” He chuckled to himself. He underestimated Dakota’s kind heart; she felt sympathy and empathy extremely well, way better than most people here. It allowed her to connect with people’s issues and, at times, helped them relate. And considering the situation, she understood how everyone must be feeling. Scared, alone, and probably sacred for life.

“Ugh, what have I gotten myself into?” He groaned, knowing Dakota was going to be fighting tooth and nail to get those kids home. However, the network’s mind was set; they've convinced themselves that one of the campers killed Ezekiel, and while Chris would rather believe it himself, to believe the campers have a better chance at survival. Deep down, he knew he did a horrible, criminal, and overall unforgivable thing. And yet he did nothing to change it as Dakota desperately tried to get someone to rescue the remaining twenty-one campers. God, he didn’t want to think about how those numbers could be dwindling by the day.

It wasn’t long before word got out, and missing person reports were filed. In hindsight, they should have seen this coming. Word spread pretty quickly in this day and age. All it took was one loose-lipped employee, and the rest was history; the public outcry was overwhelmingly negative. People rallying together, demanding answers, and pressuring the network to fire Chris and save the teens, or at least reveal the information needed so authorities can handle it.

Sadly, the studio stayed tight-lipped, deciding not to get involved, much to everyone’s dismay.

Dakota walked into the office with a heavy heart. It has been one month since Ezekiel’s murder, and calls from distressed parents have become daily. Dakota lost count of how many times a parent or relative would call, asking for updates or a tiny sliver of information on the filming location. Unfortunately, not even Dakota or any employee knew the location of Camp Wawanakwa; only Chris, Chef, and a few higher-ups knew where the island was and didn’t want that information to get out of fear of being prime suspects.

“Ugh, they’re just a bunch of cowards—the whole lot of them.” Dakota thought bitterly, head down, and letting her muscle memory drag her to her office. “I can’t believe any of them; children are dying on a deserted island, and they don’t even have the decency to give the public peace of mind.”

The crestfallen girl moped into the room as Emily was reassuring another parent.

“Mrs. Anderson You have every right to be concerned for your son. No, worrying doesn't make you a bad mother; it’s completely normal in situations like these. Just know that we are doing everything we can to ensure he and everyone else comes back safely.” She reassured, “Yes, Mrs. Anderson? Yes, hello, yes, it appears you are going through a tunnel; I’m gonna have to let you go. Okay bye.” She sighed as she hung up.

“Who was that?”

Cody’s mother: She called me on her way to work, and it's the third time this week too.” Emily answered, resting her head in her arms, “We can’t keep living like this; we need to do something now before we get sued!”

“Oh, so now you're taking this seriously?"

The other glared, "Oh, don’t give me that look. You know I brush things off and use sarcasm to deal with stressful things; it’s my way of coping. Believe me when I say I am on your side."

The other didn’t speak; she just glared at her friend as an employee peeked inside. “Sorry to interrupt, ladies, but there’s a meeting starting. I wouldn’t skip this if I were you.” She spoke simply and left.

The two looked at each other and silently agreed, rushing to the meeting room praying for good news. Walking inside, it was deadly quiet; tensions were high as whispers were exchanged and concerns were expressed. Dakota locked eyes with Chris, who for once seemed remorseful. She quickly looked away, setting her gaze on the head C.E.O., who sighed deeply.

“It appears our decision to stay silent was a mistake.” He started, which many agreed with: “It has come to my attention that many parents have called out of both worry and dead set on finding their kids themselves through private investigators; some have even threatened legal action, which is something becoming increasingly harder to ignore. I have called you all here today because we need ideas. We are slowly running out of time, and staying silent is just making things worse. I believe it is time that we

“I know who the killer is!” Chef screamed bargaining into the room, much to everyone’s surprise and shock.

Honestly, I made Emily way too nonchalant about the whole killer on the island thing, but this is how she copes deep inside she's probably freaking out like everyone else, and I know Danganronpa came out in 2010 but Island of the Slaughter has some Danganronpa vibes, so I had to throw in the blackened reference. Also seems like Chef may have an idea who the killer of Wawanakwa is. But the question is does he? Find out next week when I post the last written chapter that I have backlogged. See ya on the flip side ;)

[swordofsun]

Okay, so Sam's whole thing is that the ends justify the means. It's a huge motivating factor for him in s4-12. He can justify draining a nurse because killing Lilith is a worthy cause. He can send a guy to sell his soul to a demon because capturing a crossroad demon to find Dean is more important. He can imprison Rowena and order a human sacrifice because removing the Mark from Dean is just that important. He can work with the British Men of Letters (and lie to Dean about it) because their goals are more important then his or Dean's feelings about them or what the BMoL had done previously.

It's a fascinating aspect of his character and it develops in s1-3.

It's starts with Devil's Trap and In My Time of Dying. In Devil's Trap he doesn't kill John. He goes with what Dean wants and let's Azazel escape to save John. Only to have John die within a week anyway. Over the course of s2 they learn that John sold his soul to save Dean. They also discover all of the horrible shit Azazel does over that year. Ava and Andy die. Ava's fiance die. Who knows how many other people when Azazel was collecting the kids for the death match. Sam dies and Dean sells his soul to save him.

All of which could have been avoided if Sam had just killed Azazel back in that cabin. Sam is the type of person to think about how much everything would have changed, how many people would have lived, if he'd just pulled that trigger. Debatable on whether or not Dean would have ever forgiven him.

If season 2 is a horror show of people who died brutally because Azazel was alive to kill them, then season 3 is other people laying the blame for various deaths at their feet. It starts with Isaac and Tamara in The Magnificent Seven blaming them for the people the demons killed after escaping through the hell gate and continues from there. Most significantly in Jus in Bello.

The episode has a important moral hinge point on whether or not to sacrifice one of the civilians to kill a bunch of demons and let them all escape. A plan that Sam is down for, especially after the potential sacrifice says she'll do it. It's clear that Sam is doing the mental math of one person dying vs lots of people dying. Dean talks him out of it, but the episode ends with Lilith killing everyone anyway. With a helpful rant from Ruby about how it's all Sam's fault for not killing the one person.

We can see how this effects Sam over time. He's more and more willing to take the ruthless option, even if it means hurting innocent people. With a harsh cumulation in Time Is On My Side when Sam tries to convince Dean to become an alchemy zombie living off the organs of others. Because Sam has decided that the goal of saving Dean from hell is worth killing people over. Maybe a lot of people.

It's worth noting that this is one of, if not the, last time Sam tries to argue Dean into an "ends justify the means" mindset. From thereon in he usually takes the "better to apologize than ask permission" and just does things. Even if he knows Dean wouldn't approve and that he can't justify them to Dean in a way that Dean would accept so he ends up spending all of s4 lying to Dean.

Crucially he clearly considers this a strength of his that Dean lacks. I think he only really starts to reconsider this approach in s13 when the way he was using Jack blows up in everyone's face and he can't just puppy dog eyes his way out of the consequences. He seems to take a much more measured approach with his group of AW hunters.

And those are my thoughts.

[thescribblings]

Question; if this's your future leo after war what about the rest of his brothers? Are they dead? Alive? And what are they doing?

Ooo, you're asking the big plot related questions 👀

I haven't gotten into this part of my AU yet due to, well, not being able to properly tell the story. But since you asked so nicely :]

LORE INFODUMP TIME!

(Seriously this got out of hand so fast-)

Here's a bit copied and pasted from my personal notes

*ninpo, he's more practiced than leo due to his portals vanishing at age 20-30, he doesn't need his nagamaki to portal anymore, and is very skilled with his portals all in all.

-can create countless tiny apple sized portals as long as he has enough focus to plan the trajectory of the apple, he can do tricks like that with little difficulty, and loves using it in battle

-he can phase his body between reality and the portal dimension, letting him pass through physical objects, and people

-he can summon his nagamaki, but he can also summon Leo's swords, depends what mental state he's in, along with which is closer. Same goes for teleporting to his, or Leo's weapon

-

*his inability to portal wasn't due to having lost his ninpo, per se, he had just used it up, kinda like being burnt out, but on a whole nother level

-his ninpo vanished due to his body using it as a life source, keeping him alive, at the very least. It did have severe side effects, his ninpo making up for skipped meals, dehydration, lost sleep and more.

-ninpo side effects consisted of being severely underweight from his habit to skip meal after meal, his scales dry and dull from his lack of water, and a constant wear and tear on his body from the lack of sleep for nights on end. When he'd finally crash due to his energy literally running out, he'd collapse on the spot, passing out and finally getting some well deserved sleep

-after appearing in the past, his body was so used to its survival tactics that he couldn't sleep, despite the undeniable safety. he couldn't eat without a trashcan in arms reach, and after his third time violently upchucking his food he avoided eating entirely, having to get iv fluids and a feeding tube with the lightest nutritional liquid they could manage, instead. He did still drink water, after marveling at how clean it was

-to combat the previous point, they slowly started introducing foods easy on the stomach more and more, eventually deciding to have him snack throughout the day instead of full meals. To help with his sleep issues, they tried giving him a small dose of a drug to knock him out, he didn't like it but it worked for the most part, casey would often spend the night in the medbay with him as a comfort for them both.

*His brothers, after meditating and talking with karai for the first time since his portals vanished, he saw three pairs of eyes staring into his, across from him. his brothers signature colours were swirling around him. He then passed out, and the colours shot out in a multicolored shockwave of sorts, wrecking his surroundings. his recovered ninpo completely drained from his body in mere seconds. In this scenario his ninpo had been drained despite his brothers ninpo having fused with his own, this however means that when he recovers his ninpo, it's as strong as the four of them combined, along with being multicolored from then on.

-he wasn't aware of what happened, afterwards, not remembering the encounter with his brothers

-his ninpo started recovering four times as fast, which wasn't a lot, but it was an improvement

-the stronger his ninpo got, the more his brothers could interract with the world. They were completely invisible, and not really there physically for the first few weeks, but as their ninpo grew, they started doing things around the lair, Akari (donatello) going into his counterparts technology, leaving notes on how to fix coding, improve tech. Michaelangelo helping everyone out with aches, illness, bad moods etc, giving them a mental and physical boost. Raphael protecting them by redirecting projectiles, acting as a shield if necessary, and even helping them find things they misplaced.

-eventually his brothers are visible to mikey, but the transition from invisible to visible was freaky, seeing glimpses of eyes, tall silhouettes around corners, feeling watched, the horror movie experience. Unlike mikey, the others needed to activate their ninpo to be able to see his brothers, but the latter are always capable of physically interracting with the world

-later on donnie and Akari work together to create cloaking brooch esque pendants that let his brothers be visible to the naked eye

-his brothers can still use their ninpo seperately, but they're usually careful, as they could easily drain nardo if it got out of hand

Here's just a bit of clarifying info ig?

Orions brothers are dead, they're tethered to him, in a way, but they're not stuck to him. The further away from him they are the less of their ninpo he has access to, it causes them no harm to wander around and he encourages them to live their lives the way they want to, and not just stick around him because them leaving affects him, it just so happens to be that they want to be around their brother, their family.

Like i said, it causes them no harm to wander, including Orion. Physically, at least (more on that later). Ori is just fine with just his own ninpo, he's still as powerful as he needs to be to protect himself and those he loves,

Their fused ninpo works kinda like a tracker, if Ori were to lose his brothers he could search until he felt more of their ninpo, and then follow that until he finds them, so on and so forth.

when they're all together, everyone can feel the others ninpo, Ori is just the vessel when they're together. This does however mean that one of, or all of Orions brothers could accidentally drain all of their ninpo, so they usually stay out of petty fights and let Ori handle them, but if there's something that needs a bit more teamwork? You'll get to see what they can *really* do when they fight as a unit

If their ninpo were to be completely drained, Orion would pass out and his brothers would fade and be put into a foggy dreamlike state, they won't be solid or visible anymore until their ninpo recovers. By the time he wakes up again he'll be exhausted, dizzy, and suffering from a horrible migraine.

This dreamlike state is how they first came to be in the present, after he spoke with karai and triggered the explosive reaction in the training room, The little bit of ninpo he'd recovered was completely drained. Which led to him collapsing on the spot and waking up a few minutes later, dizzy and with the worst migraine he'd ever experienced. After this, his ninpo recovered four times faster than before, but he wasn't aware that his brothers were with him again

As his ninpo recovered, his brothers became more tangible and aware, their perception growing clearer by the day. Eventually they started kinda haunting their family, in their own unique ways

Aaaand here's a whole set of notes on Orion and facts under the cut :p

(All words btw, it is split up a bit and i think i made it okay to read?)

*specifics

-weight, 230 kg

-height, 7'4, 223cm

-age, 40

-calorie intake, 6377, eats 1600cal meals, usually getting the last 1500 through snacking

*Will throw out food (especially meat) the day after it expires, the smell of rotted meat is too reminiscent of krang/sickness. Any and all leftovers are eaten within days most times, often not more than two as he has nothing against eating the same food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner

*often very resourceful, knows survival tactics and avoids wasting food (the previous point being an exception), is usually a very efficient meal planner, he's an omnivore, but he likes to lean more towards a carnivorous, protein rich and high fat diet. occasional keto meals

-any type of meat, often favoring red meats

-most fruits, berries, favorite is peach (sliced)

-any and all nuts, common snack, but he does also like incorporating them in meals

-vegetable enthusiast, loves trying different combinations and adding them in smoothies and the like

-has a sweet tooth, usually satisfies it with fruits, rather than candy and the such, although he does eat the occasional pastry, in moderation

-He avoids overly sugary foods, as they affect his more feral state, making him jittery, paranoid, and anxious, similar to being overcaffeinated

*basically immune to spice due to tastebuds being obliterated by the atrocious sensations he had to put them through

-figured this out when he had no issues eating one of mikey's extra spicy meals, leo tried a bite and struggled with the sheer amount of spice mikey had crammed in there

-it's a 'can handle spice' scenario, rather than a 'can't feel spice' scenario, find something outrageously spicy and he'll still have the typical 'ate something too spicy' reaction; reclined, fanning face, sweaty, flushed, panting with a slight grin, the masochist.

-he likes spicy food, since it scratches a masochism itch in his brain, though he rarely goes over his spice tolerance

*coffee enthusiast, his energy levels are on an all time low, so he can rely on the stimulant a bit much. Around five cups on bad days, though he tries to limit himself to max three, most days

*stress stims

-clicking in back of throat, very common one, usually represses it

-scratching at self, pants, furniture

-rubbing prosthetic thigh, often when phantom pains flare up

-compulsive hissing, uncommon, usually if he feels threatened, rather than stressed

-bursts of growling, more common than hissing, usually used as a "back off" sound, also if he feels threatened

-fiddling with clothes, nearby object, bracelet, nearby person

*sometimes, to comfort someone he'll start humming very quietly, not to be heard, but felt. The vibrations of his voice a comforting sensation to his family

-he started doing this in a desperate attempt to quiet casey down as a kid, when they couldn't afford to make noise, then it stuck

*has his occasional 'off day' where his feral tendencies are greatly exaggerated, memories of off days tend to be foggy. Easy to trigger episodes during off days

*despite his over all lack of energy, he loves exercise and is borderline a workaholic at times, the others having stepped in on numerous occasions when he starts getting too close to 'won't be able to walk tomorrow' territory.

-his favorite thing is running, will often go on early morning, late night, midnight, mid day runs, sometimes multiple a day, but usually just his daily ones

-enjoys the peacefulness of yoga, flexibility training, compared to his other interests

-weight lifting multiple times a week

*ninpo, he's more practiced than leo due to his portals vanishing at age 20-30, he doesn't need his nagamaki to portal anymore, and is very skilled with his portals all in all.

-can create countless tiny apple sized portals as long as he has enough focus to plan the trajectory of the apple, he can do tricks like that with little difficulty, and loves using it in battle

-he can phase his body between reality and the portal dimension, letting him pass through physical objects, and people

-he can summon his nagamaki, but he can also summon Leo's swords, depends what mental state he's in, along with which is closer. Same goes for teleporting to his, or Leo's weapon

-

*his inability to portal wasn't due to having lost his ninpo, per se, he had just used it up, kinda like being burnt out, but on a whole nother level

-his ninpo vanished due to his body using it as a life source, keeping him alive, at the very least. It did have severe side effects, his ninpo making up for skipped meals, dehydration, lost sleep and more.

-ninpo side effects consisted of being severely underweight from his habit to skip meal after meal, his scales dry and dull from his lack of water, and a constant wear and tear on his body from the lack of sleep for nights on end. When he'd finally crash due to his energy literally running out, he'd collapse on the spot, passing out and finally getting some well deserved sleep

-after appearing in the past, his body was so used to its survival tactics that he couldn't sleep, despite the undeniable safety. he couldn't eat without a trashcan in arms reach, and after his third time violently upchucking his food he avoided eating entirely, having to get iv fluids and a feeding tube with the lightest nutritional liquid they could manage, instead. He did still drink water, after marveling at how clean it was

-to combat the previous point, they slowly started introducing foods easy on the stomach more and more, eventually deciding to have him snack throughout the day instead of full meals. To help with his sleep issues, they tried giving him a small dose of a drug to knock him out, he didn't like it but it worked for the most part, casey would often spend the night in the medbay with him as a comfort for them both.

*His brothers, after meditating and talking with karai for the first time since his portals vanished, he saw three pairs of eyes staring into his, across from him. his brothers signature colours were swirling around him. He then passed out, and the colours shot out in a multicolored shockwave of sorts, wrecking his surroundings. his recovered ninpo completely drained from his body in mere seconds. In this scenario his ninpo had been drained despite his brothers ninpo having fused with his own, this however means that when he recovers his ninpo, it's as strong as the four of them combined, along with being multicolored from then on.

-he wasn't aware of what happened, afterwards, not remembering the encounter with his brothers

-his ninpo started recovering four times as fast, which wasn't a lot, but it was an improvement

-the stronger his ninpo got, the more his brothers could interract with the world. They were completely invisible, and not really there physically for the first few weeks, but as their ninpo grew, they started doing things around the lair, Akari (donatello) going into his counterparts technology, leaving notes on how to fix coding, improve tech. Michaelangelo helping everyone out with aches, illness, bad moods etc, giving them a mental and physical boost. Raphael protecting them by redirecting projectiles, acting as a shield if necessary, and even helping them find things they misplaced.

-eventually his brothers are visible to mikey, but the transition from invisible to visible was freaky, seeing glimpses of eyes, tall silhouettes around corners, feeling watched, the horror movie experience. Unlike mikey, the others needed to activate their ninpo to be able to see his brothers, but the latter are always capable of physically interracting with the world

-later on donnie and Akari work together to create cloaking brooch esque pendants that let his brothers be visible to the naked eye

-his brothers can still use their ninpo seperately, but they're usually careful, as they could easily drain nardo if it got out of hand

*protective over his leg port, when his prosthetics are detached

-often growls if someone comes to close, bites if you're unlucky

-only lets leo touch it without arguement, even his donnie always got growling during check-ups

-rarely goes without a prosthetic, if his leg is gone he'll use the built in spare, reminiscent of an endo skeleton

*The colour pink is traumatic, for obvious reasons, will trigger episodes, but he comes back quick when the colour is out of sight again. Not without agressive hissing, growling, and possibly pouncing if you're unlucky. If you're very unlucky he might go straight for the 5'7 nagamaki blade that he can summon on demand

-donnie designs contact lenses that cancel out the colour pink, until the exposure therapy pays off

*Recurring flashback dream, vividly relives sister krang torturing him as slowly as she can, slowly snapping his arm off before tossing it to some krang hounds as a treat, but mainly carving off most of his thigh, cutting into his femur from hip to a bit below the knee, before reaching into his leg and excruciatingly, slowly twisting the bone out of its socket, doing the same to his knee joint. Then ripping the last bits of flesh keeping his leg even remotely attached before holding up the femur as if in amusement (cue his screaming)

*dissociates quite often, can be completely gone, or barely there at times, other times he's just a bit out of it

*michaelangelo helped him teach his brain to wake up to certain triggers due to their special circumstances, words, patterns, etc

-krang

*when a panic attack is triggered he will flee, running as far away as possible (kilometers) before hiding somewhere quiet, dark, and secluded. Tends to scratch at neck, thigh, nape etc as a form of unintended self harm, the pain helping him stay somewhat grounded

-this can result in deep gashes from his nails, but due to his healing factor, they heal within days, and rarely ever leave a scar. If there is a scar it's usually barely noticable

-

-

*when an anxiety attack is triggered he'll likely dissociate, along with a lot of stress stimming

*neat freak due to being forced to live in filth for two decades, keeps the lair spotless, always does chores in time, daily showers at least, just feels most at home when everything is tidy and genuinely enjoys the process of cleaning

[penelopecolinb]

hello friends. there has been so much talk of censorship in the polin fandom recently, and i feel that as someone who lives in a country with no free speech, i have more of a grasp on the subject.

no one in the polin fandom is being censored.

the ONLY form of censorship happening is authors moderating comments, which ALL authors have the right to do. i have several points to make about the people who claim that they're being censored. I hope I'm able to articulate my points in a manner that is respectful and easy to understand. There is no intention to point fingers or place the blame here.

Free speech, as i'm sure everyone is aware, is the right to express your opinions. Which also means the right to express that you dislike an opinion. This is directly translated on ao3.

The anonymous fic posted that was clearly a troll was in the right to do so - they did not call anyone out on that fic, they even had a character address the kinkshaming issue. The author of that fic also, and i'm sure some of you who read a certain post will be shocked to hear this, has the right to delete the comments they got under their fic, just as the authors of the noncon fics have the right to moderate the comments under theirs (which they do).

The very crux of the problem is that these authors who were writing noncon fics were using vague tags, or tagging BOTH noncon and dubcon. People have stumbled across these mistagged fics, and it has affected them mentally. I know personally that some people are making it a point to avoid the polin tag on ao3 this month for precisely this reason.

And because of this reason, the censorship claim cannot be used. It wouldn't have been sound anyway, because the noncon fics are still up for people to read if they want. These fics themselves have no hate comments on them, as the authors have their comments moderated.

People bringing up that anonymous fic and how it shouldn't be allowed on the platform. But why? Did it call out any specific authors? Did it violate any terms of service? Out of context it could still be read as a fic, so why should it be taken down? Sure, the passive aggressiveness of the fic is petty at best and offensive at worst, but that alone does not constitute censorship.

as someone on the sidelines, watching this squabble over fics has been entertaining at times, but ultimately absolutely draining. and reading someone's post about how authors are being censored and how we should be creating a more positive atmosphere was incredibly frustrating and patronising to people who have had their safe space violated by these mistagged fics.

as someone who faces censorship every single day; as a muslim who is unable to protest in her own country right now; as a polin fan and as an avid fic reader, i am imploring all of you to think before you speak. i am begging you to analyse everything that has happened, knowing fully how it has affected so thoroughly a group of people to the extent that they have avoided reading anything on the tag at all, and maybe put that victim card back in your pocket so you can wield it for something else.