#i could be so. mentally drained. to the point that i just avoid everyone by going to coop on my own or going to 7-11 just to Breathe

[maiaacchiato]

thinking thoughts

[bunni-v1]

Heyyaaa

May I request dorm leaders finding out you’re a girl please? If it’s too much u can make a part 2

Dorm Leaders Find Out You're a Girl?!?!?! (NOT CLICKBAIT!!!)

TW: Mentions of transphobia (nothing awful, just literally dropping the word lol); Idia is creepy

Info: Riddle, Leona, Azul, Kalim, Vil, Idia, Malleus x Reader (Platonic or Romantic); Fluff, Comedy(?)

🍓This one is gonna be long, like 5.3k words long. I love writing the dorm leaders so damn much <3 Besides, there’s been a long wait for this one, so I hope I make it worth it! You might see some favoritism shine through, but I did my best to keep it even. Hope you all enjoy!

Tags: @kierancaz @danchann33 @arashrita @the-ace-reader @akiyamasmizuki @kitsun369 @bloomstruck (I think I got all of you)

First Years

Ortho Sebek

Second Years

Third Years

-Okay so, I know we’re all wondering, how the hell do you get away with hiding your gender for so damn long?

-Firstly, those ceremonial robes do great at hiding the figure. The only tell would maybe be your hair, but feminine men aren’t unwelcome at Nightraven College, so you mostly get a few questioning stares and that’s it.

-Secondly, Crowley wants to save his own fucking ass. He already has to hide from the press that he has a MAGICLESS student from ANOTHER DIMENSION here, he doesn’t need the fact that you are a woman ALSO on his plate. So, obviously, he helps you hide your gender from others.

-Grim knows, of course, and he keeps his mouth shut for a few yummy cans of tuna (and threats of being expelled from Crowley <3)

-Even when you were just a janitor, he couldn’t have the rumor that he put a “helpless” young woman to work. (Like it wouldn’t be expected.)

-So how do you two do it?

-Baggy ass uniform. Crowley gave you at least three sizes too big.

-Your figure is completely hidden. Sure, you look completely homeless, but at least you’re hidden.

-For your voice, you simply deepen it. After some point, you blackmail Crowley into giving you a potion to help with it, since it's so taxing on your voice. (Or maybe your voice is naturally deep!)

-Sam provides you (for an unfairly pretty penny (not too different from your original world…)) any feminine hygiene products you might need.

-Honestly, you’re set for being cared for, but it’s the adjustment period that’s the hardest part. 

-Truly, it’s very jarring to suddenly be thrown into both a magical world and be isolated in a man's world with nowhere to hide.

-At least in your world you had other women who could understand your struggles. Here though? You’re completely alone.

-You notice how… messy some of these guys could be. How some of them smell… really rancid. -How rough they were with you and each other.

-Honestly, it’s kinda eye-opening. The way men show affection to each other is oddly refreshing to watch and experience!

-Ace and Deuce specifically are a good… trial run.

-That’s not what we’re here to talk about though…

-For the most part, it's incredibly easy to hide yourself for the first while on campus. Everyone on campus is so self-absorbed that they don’t bother questioning you.

-Your only real risk factor is Savannaclaw, but it's easy to avoid those guys (minus Jack, of course).

-However, you can only hide your gender for so long… It’s mentally draining to keep up this facade all the time around people you care about.

-So… how do they find out?

Riddle

-Riddle is the last student in Heartslabyul to find out.

-It’s not like he did anything to you for you to hold off on telling him (you know, other than the whole almost killing you that one time thing), it’s just that you don’t feel inclined to tell him. 

-Simple as that.

-He also really has no reason to question your gender. 

-Riddle didn’t have must interaction with people his own age until he came to night raven college, he doesn’t have the same social ideologies as other people do.

-Nightraven college is really his first touch with society outside of his mothers very watchful, conservative eye.

-So, excuse him for not picking up on stupid little gendered norms that the other students do.

-In his eyes, you dress like a man, you act (sort of) like the other male students, and you prefer he/him pronouns. 

-There’s nothing more to it then, right? If you identify as a man, he has no reason not to treat you as such - nor should he suspect you would hide your gender like that.

-Besides, this is an all boys school! Crowley wouldn’t allow you to attend here unless you were also a boy… right?

-He is aware there are exceptions — and you are already QUITE the exception, but surely Crowley wouldn’t be so cruel as to force a young woman to attend an all boys academy.

-Ah, sweet Riddle, ever in denial.

-He isn’t STUPID though. He notices how brotherly Trey is to you. He knows (and has heard) your many “secret sleepovers” with Cater.

-He ignores these things and doesn’t comment on them simply because, well, he likes you!

-He helps to tutor you sometimes, and he’s gotten to know you through that, and he really does come around on enjoying your presence.

-So, he ignores Trey and Cater’s odd behaviors for your sake.

-You keep him and his dorm members in high spirits, why would he want to shoo something like that away?

-He doesn’t really questionthings until he… overhears a conversation between Deuce and Ace. (A rather loud one, for how supposedly secret this topic was meant to be).

-One of them had gotten in trouble with a professor, and he was going to give them a stern scolding when he overheard what they were talking about.

-“Deuce, dude, you’re gonna want to sit down for this one.”

“What is it, I’m busy trying to finish my potionology homework.”

“Seriously this one is crazy, you’re not ready for for it.”

“Ace, if you’re just messing with me I’m going to leave.”

“Dude, the prefect is a girl.”

“…What?”

-Riddle did not bother the two after that. In fact, he just walked back to his room to sit and think about what he just overheard.

-It DID make sense. You didn’t quite fit in with everyone else for reasons outside of your otherworldly origin.

-You acted differently than the typical guy here at NRC, and you seemed to get along with the peers that were more ‘traditionally feminine’ best.

-It would explain Trey’s coddling and Cater’s secretiveness.

-Still, he didn’t want to assume. This was Ace and Deuce, and Ace could just be messing around with Deuce.

-So, at your next tutoring session, he broaches the subject as politely as possible.

-“So, prefect, I have… overheard something that I wanted to ask you about.”

“Oh no, am I in trouble because of Ace and Deuce again.”

“Not… technically… I did, however, overhear them talking about… you being a woman.”

“…I’m gonna kill them.”

“I could collar them for you, if that would help.”

-The confirmation was reassuring for Riddle in multiple ways. 

-1) Ace isn’t as terrible of a person as the thought he was.

-2) He wasn’t crazy in noticing the slight differences in you and your other peers.

-Now, you and Riddle aren’t exactly super close by any means, so your interactions with each other are limited to when you’re either being tutored or with friends in Heartslabyul.

-However, he is notably more nervous than he usually is.

-He doesn’t have some super secret crush on your all of the sudden, he just… never really had a chance to interact with women before.

-His mom kept him very sheltered from the opposite gender, so he has little to no experience with them.

-On top of that, because of his mother, he does have a slight fear of women. He’s afraid he’s going to upset you and you’ll blow a fuse on him or something.

-You have to assure him that you don’t bite and you won’t suddenly start screaming at him for no reason, and then he begins to relax a bit.

-Still, he’s very sweet and gentlemanly to you.

-If you need help with anyone around campus, you should come to him and he will have them dealt with accordingly.

Leona

-Leona “Respects Women” Kingscholar.

-Leona has SLIGHTLY worse smell than Ruggie, but he also knew immediately upon your arrival that you were a girl.

-In fact, he knew you weren’t a trans man, because they smell distinctly different from the typical woman.

-There aren’t many trans people in the Savannah though, so Ruggie not being able to pick up on that doesn’t really shock him.

-Leona, however, has smelled and seen plenty of trans people in his life time — you aren’t one of them.

-He won’t lie, he’s definitely interested in you. Women where he comes from are big and strong and proud, you’re just kind of plain.

-He keeps his ever curious eye on you though, because he’s interested in how you might navigate this whole thing.

-Now don’t get it twisted, he doesn’t care about you, he’s curious about you. 

-If you were to ask him for help on something, he wouldn’t offer it. (Not that you would, you seem particularly averse to him).

-However, if he were to see some creep trying to… well… creep on you, he’d chase them away without ever having you know he did.

-He was your secret bodyguard who wouldn’t admit it even if you held a knife to his throat.

-Still, he stayed out of your way and you stayed out of his. 

-A symbiotic relationship that you weren’t even aware existed… until you got in his way.

-Like Ruggie, when you start getting a little too involved in his ahem business, he gets pretty damn annoyed.

-You’re not exactly a threat to start, but you are a little trouble maker. If you find out what he’s up to, you’ll ruin his plans completely, and he can’t have that.

-However, he’s not exactly comfortable “taking care of you” like he is his male peers.

-He respects women, okay, you can’t blame him for not wanting to purposefully hurt you. (If his mom and brother found out, he’d never hear the damn end of it)

-He sends out Ruggie to scare you off, explicitly telling him he can’t hurt you on purpose.

-He knows Ruggie already has an idea of what’s going on, so he doesn’t have any qualms with telling him to be careful with you.

-Still, despite all this, he doesn’t really broach the topic until he’s forced to.

-He’s made it known to you, at this point, that he knows your secret. 

-He hasn’t caused you any extra trouble since his overblot, and he keeps his dorm members off your back, so you have no reason to interact with him… until, again, you get yourself into trouble.

-This time it’s YOU dragging him into your mess, despite him wanting nothing to do with it.

-You are convincing, though, so he gives and allows you to stay in his dorm room — rent free! Isn’t he so nice.

-Jack offers himself for protection if you need it, but you can see that Ruggie is quite bemused with the whole situation, so you decide to turn him down.

-Leona hasn’t tried anything yet, and he really could if he wanted to.

-You decide you can trust him. (You have to trust him).

-Then presents the issue of sharing a bed.

-Leona isn’t a weird pervert, okay. He isn’t absolutely leaping at the idea to be in bed with you — he’s so sorry.

-Honestly, it makes him a bit… uncomfortable.

-Sharing a bed is something you do with family or someone you’re involved with, not the weird magic-less kid who’s at least three years too young for you.

-So, Leona, ever the women’s rights activist, approaches you with a proposition.

-“Listen, I know you’re a woman and I know you know that. We’re not sharing a bed, there ain’t no way that’s happening.”

“Oh, so would you like the poor helpless homeless woman to sleep on the floor? How cruel can you be Leona.”

“Shut up, I’m not gonna do that to you. Listen, you can have the bed all to yourself and I’ll sleep on the couch, so long as you promise not to tell a single soul about this.”

“I promise.”

-You immediately tell Ruggie the next morning, and he is sure to make sure Leona never forgets it.

-Living with Leona for the short period of time that you do is very insightful!

-He’s actually pretty funny, much smarter than he lets on, and almost brotherly to you. Which does not fit the M.O. you built of him in your head.

-He’s gruff and pushy, but he does it out of genuineness.

-You end up getting really close to him because of it. 

-His quiet and laid-back demeanor are a break from the chaos of everyone else on campus, and he doesn’t make a big deal out of anything so you can just complain and he nods along unbothered.

-Only thing you notice that upsets him is when you bring up guys who bother you.

-Those guys tend to stop bothering you shortly after. How strange…

Azul

-Azul is hands down the last person on campus you want knowing about this.

-Riddle, Ruggie, Trey, Cater and pretty much everyone with half a brain tell you to stay as far away from him as possible.

-You see him in the halls sometimes, and he doesn’t look to bad. Unapproachable, sure, but he’s a rather pretty guy. Well put together and seemingly very smart from what you’ve been told.

-He helped to subdue Grim in the opening ceremony, so you know he’s magically capable. He’s also a house warden, so that goes unspoken, I suppose.

-He seems interested in you, from what you can tell. He always waves at you when he does see you in a sort of fake friendly kind of way. 

-You’ve seen him and his little (large, very large) goonies admiring ramshackle before.

-You’ve also politely asked them to not do that when you moved in, because it freaks you out a lot. To which they all gave you very eerie smiles and walked away.

-They remind you of a very small mafia, and you decided to heed your friends warnings because of that.

-You do so successfully for a long time too. Other than the few previously stated interactions, Azul seems un-inclined to bother you, and you don’t want to catch his leering eyes.

-Little do you know, Azul has a much more watchful eye on you that you initially thought.

-Sure, you don’t have much to offer him magic wise, but you have ramshackle. Oh, how he wants ramshackle.

-You are key to obtaining it, he just… has to find something on you first.

-You’re so painfully average. Perhaps a little more pretty in the face than his other peers, but you sacrifice that with the atrociousness of your uniform. 

-Truly, nothing about you is different.

-He almost gives up until Grim delivers him an opportunity in a pretty little bow.

-You agree to his contract out of the goodness of your heart, just like he knew you would. So sweet and kind are you, to practically hand him the deed to ramshackle on a silver platter.

-He notices, however, that Jade grows a very… sudden fascination with you.

-Sure, he told both Jade and Floyd to keep and eye on you and keep you in like, but for Jade to be so interested… very odd.

-Then, shortly after, Floyd’s own interest is piqued. Alright… less odd than Jade, but to have both of their eyes on you must mean he’s missing something. (I know I previously said that Floyd found out after Azul, but I was stupid and wrong and you should never listen to me when I’m talking about Floyd).

-He tries to get it out of them by any means, Asking, blackmailing, manipulation. He really does try, but their lips are sealed tight.

-It frustrates him to no end that they know something he doesn’t, and that he can’t figure out this very big secret.

-It stumps him for so long, because he’s looking in all the wrong places for the answer.

-Meanwhile, you know that Jade and Floyd know and you are TERRIFIED waiting for Azul to use this against you.

-The suspense starts killing you and making you anxious enough that its affecting sleep, so you decide to bite the bullet and arrange a meeting with him.

-Azul is honestly delighted, because he was just going to outright force the truth from you at this point.

-“I’m glad you set up this meeting, I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

“I know… I’ve been pretty nervous about it since Jade and Floyd started pestering me.”

“Before I talk about what I want to, I’d like to hear what you have to say. I’m a good listener after all.”

“Too good, if you ask me. Uhm, anyway, so I know that Jade and Floyd to you that I’m a girl already, but I’m really hoping you would just leave me be. You owe me after all.”

“…You’re a girl?”

“Did they not tell you…?”

-what. What? WHAT?!?!?!

-How could he not tell, he feel so incredibly stupid. Its so obvious now that he thinks about it.

-No wonder Jade and Floyd wouldn’t stop teasing him about it.

-He agrees not to let the secret out — he DOES owe you his life, after all. This is a minor trade.

-However, he does not mentally recover from this revelation for a while.

-He doesn’t treat you very different, I suppose. He’s more gentlemanly with you, and is generally more friendly, but those things come from saving a persons life regardless.

-He is, surprisingly, willing to ensure your whole gender thing doesn’t get out so long as you work a few hours at the monster lounge.

-Probably the best at keeping it to himself and making sure it doesn’t get out. You wouldn’t expect any less with Azul, though.

Kalim

-You and Kalim don’t really have much of a chance to interact.

-He seems sweet enough, and you know he’s much kinder than the rest of the dorm leaders, but you don’t really have any reason to interact with him.

-Kalim also doesn’t think too much of you. 

-You caused a ruckus at the entrance ceremony, that’s for sure, but you kinda blend into the background.

-Besides he’s a party animal — constantly hosting these huge parties at his dorm just because he can.

-As someone trying to keep out of trouble and hide such a huge secret… yeah, parties aren’t exactly your forte.

-So, when you get roped in to coming to Scarabia over winter break, Kalim is pleasantly surprised!

-He’s always excited to make a new friend, and you’re pretty infamous around school, so he’s extra excited to get to know you.

-Kalim has no reason to question anything about you, like most other people would.

-However, he isn’t stupid. He has plenty of younger sisters, and he picks up on social queues better than you’d expect.

-He definitely suspects something is off, but he figures you would tell him if something was up. 

-You actually find him quite easy to be around. He’s someone who makes it easy to let your walls down and just relax with.

-Despite his sudden mood shifts, he always makes sure that you’re happy and healthy and doing the best you can be in your position.

-However, you run out of the magical potion that deepens your voice pretty quickly, and you have to go back to dramatically straining your voice.

-You sound sick, honestly, and it makes Kalim worry. 

-He figures that you’re forcing yourself to deepen your voice so you’re still perceived as a man.

-Instead of asking you directly, as Kalim does, he goes to Jamil.

-“Jamil…”

“What do you need, Kalim?”

“Don’t you think somethings… off with the prefect?”

“Off? What are you talking about, nothings off with them.”

“No, I mean… do you think they might be… a girl?”

“…Kalim, that’s very rude to say. You need to be more respectful.”

“…You’re right, I’m sorry. Could we get him something to soothe his voice though, it sounds rough.”

-Kalim is a lot more watchful of you after that. He just… knows something is wrong, but he doesn’t want to be rude.

-It’s actually you who comes to him when no one is around for help.

-“Kalim, uhm, I need your help.”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“So, I’m pretty sure you know, but I’m not a guy… I’m a girl, and I really need help hiding it. The longer I’ve been here, the harder it’s been on me.”

-Sweetheart he is, he promises to both help you and keep your secret to himself — and he does both surprisingly well!

-He offers his private bathroom to you so you can shower in peace. 

-It’s honestly the best bath you’ve ever had with all his sweet smelling oils. Your skin feels so smooth and renewed.

-Still, even with this, you still don’t feel safe with anyone else — plus the fact that Kalim has random and horrifying mood shifts. You have to flee.

-And yet you still get dragged into more trouble with the octatrio. You still get exposed to the whole dorm by a crazed Jamil, and now have to deal with the horror that they’ll tell everyone.

-Kalim feels awful, and thus shows his forgiveness in the best way he can: giving gifts.

-You get tons of apology gifts from him in the coming months. Baskets of the best shower stuff you’ve ever had; a new, better fitted but still innocuous uniform; enough tuna to keep grim satisfied for years (and sweets that you happily keep to yourself).

-It’s so nice, but you start to feel bad. It feels like you’re taking advantage of his guilt, when you’re not really upset at anyone involved anymore.

-You’re welcome at Scarabia any time. None of his dorm members will ever cause you any trouble, and you can dress and act and sound however you want within Scarabia’s walls. 

Vil

-Miss beauty queen himself. We love Vil, we Stan Vil, we adore Vil… 

-Oh my god he’s a pain in the ass though, especially for you.

-He sees through you in an instant.

-Truly, Vil finds you to be more of a little pest than anything.

-You are constantly in trouble, you are magic less, and you decided to needlessly hide your gender.

-The last one is the worst offense in his eyes.

-Vil is someone who does not value gender, but expression. Your gender does not matter as much as your expression, therefore you hiding your expression irks him.

-He’s understanding enough in the fact that he knows you might be doing this to protect yourself, but he finds it stupid and useless, because you’re easy to see through.

-He avoids you, and you avoid him. Simple as that.

-Unfortunately for Vil, you’ve caught Rook’s eye, which means he must sit through many hours of Rook rambling on about his “findings” about you.

-When you tried out for the VDC, he was simply going to turn you and Grim away, but Rook convinced him to give you a chance.

-Rook wanted him to help your reveal your “inner beauty”, though Vil wasn’t sure if you had any of that.

-You wore baggy, horrifically ugly clothing up until winter break. Your hair was constantly a mess. Your skin was poorly taken care of, and the bags under your eyes were as dark as night.

-It almost made him feel bad for you… so despite his better judgement, he decided to invest time in you.

-Vil makes it very clear that he knows what your whole secret is.

-“I am aware of the fact that you are a woman, however, I will continue to use your preferred pronouns since it seems to bring you comfort.”

-He’s very insistent that you allow him to do your skincare AND your makeup whenever you give him the chance.

-Especially when he moves into ramshackle temporarily, he’s very insistent on maintaining your skincare routine.

-He essentially makes your entire nightly routine himself, and is right there over your shoulder making sure you do it right.

-Despite how overbearing it is, you actually make good friends with him through this.

-Being stuck alone in a room with no one but him to talk to forces you two to talk.

-You get to learn why he cares so much about appearances, and he gets to know why you hide to protect yourself.

-“It’s just… easier to pretend, because guys will bother me less that way.”

“I can’t understand why they would bother you. You’ve done nothing to them, so why would they want to do anything to you.”

“That’s the thing, I don’t know either. I just know it’s scary, and I don’t want to deal with it.”

-You move him, honestly. You’re strong even though you’re scared, and that’s beautiful. Thats what true beauty is.

-He helps you embrace your inner self and express that, while still helping you to hide your gender in a way that feels safe.

-You are always welcome at Pomefiore, and you can come to either him or Rook if you have any issues at all.

-It’s like having a big sister, almost.

Idia

-Idia has eyes everywhere.

-Every inch of that campus is (illegally) being monitored by his watchful eyes. 

-When he’s bored in class, he flicks through the cameras to amuse himself — maybe he’ll see someone slip and fall on their ass. That would be funny.

-He’s not really interested in you in particular.

-In fact, he’d like to keep a very far distance between the two of you.

-You’re… intimidating. You’ve fought some of the most powerful mages on campus and won.

-Total final boss energy, not something Idia is interested in being around.

-What he IS interested in is that wittle kitty you’ve got following you around.

-When he’s bored in class, he goes searching for Grim, and where Grim is you are sure to be.

-So, despite his aversion to you, he ends up spending a lot of time watching you.

-He starts to notice… things about you.

-He notices that you seem to put on a tough guy persona around… well… other guys in your class.

-When it’s just you and Grim though? You’re the softest softie he’s ever seen.

-It’s top tier cringe watching you try to being all macho, so he much prefers your more quiet and relaxed self you show in private.

-Seriously though, you’re a TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON when you’re alone with certain people.

-EVEN YOUR VOICE CHANGES!!!

-It’s so uber creepy, it’s like a jumpscare every time you drop that fake deep voice.

-If he’s being real, you’ve got a pretty voice. Honestly, you’re really pretty period. Too pretty to be a guy honestly.

-…

-….

-…..HOLY SHIT!!!

-He has to check your medical files to be sure — which he obviously has access to, thanks to having access to everything Ortho has access to.

-Blah blah blah allergies, blah blah blah horrific injuries from overblots, blah blah blah- AH HAH!

-Next to gender you are listed as… transgender man.

-He doesn’t wanna be that weird transphobic incel, but from what he’s seen? He highly doubts that.

-From what he’s seen in his (invasive) watching, you’re definitely doing the troupe of hiding your gender to better fit in.

-He feels like he’s in an anime or something.

-He doesn’t really want to bother you about it — but from watching you, you seem like someone he’d really enjoy being around.

-Ortho also insists that he’d get along with you very well!

-…It’s worth a shot right.

-He tries several times to “bump” into you, which always ends in him skittering away in fear.

-He psyches himself out every time. “They wouldn’t even wanna hang out with a loser like me.” “They’re way too cool for someone as lame as me.” 

-It’s not until you invite yourself to one of tabletop club’s meetings that he’s forced to interact with you.

-He’s really banking on the fact that you’ll be too busy talking with Azul to notice him, but then Azul leaves and its just you and him.

-Him and you…

-Both of you… in total and complete silence.

-…yep… 

-“Uhm, Idia…?”

“yES!?”

“I came here cause I wanted to talk to you, sorry for being so underhanded about it, I just couldn’t get you alone without you running off.”

“AH— I mean, ahem, okay. My bad.”

-You totally cornered him like an evil villain.

-All because you wanted to… be his friend?

-Is he dreaming, going insane perhaps, did HE get isekaied into an alternate universe where he was likable???

-Nope, Ortho just talks him up a lot, and you think his hair is cool. Huh. Kinda lame compared to what he was thinking.

-You guys talk a LOT after that. You exchange numbers and you text him about all sorts of stuff — and he’s actually interested in it!

-You learn that he’s been watching you and Grim for a long time, and while you scold him.

-You think it’s pretty funny that he’s embarrassed about his love for cute things.

-“If you’ve been keeping your eye on me for so long, you must’ve figured out that I’m a girl, right?”

“Yeah, you’re not great at hiding it. That macho guy act is suuuuper lame, you look like a noob lol.”

“Hey! I’m just copying what Deuce told me to do!”

-You guys don’t really see each other face to face very often, but like I said you text a lot.

-Sometimes he’ll text you shit like ‘I saw that, saved it for blackmail.’ After you biffed your shit on the pavement or something.

-When Idia gets more comfortable, you two spend hours on call whenever you get the chance.

-He lends you some of his precious manga, and even gives you an older TV he had laying around so you can watch stuff at ramshackle.

-Sometimes he invites you over to play video games with him and Ortho, and he gets all cocky and proud when you gush about how cool all his tech is.

-And, yeah, Idia definitely forms a little crush on you — but he would do that regardless of your gender. 

-He just likes you a lot, and you can feel safe on campus knowing he’s watching over you when you need it. (Mostly watching Grim, tbh.)

Malleus

-We know that Malleus enjoys… creeping outside of Ramshackle.

-He spends quite a lot of time on your front lawn, therefore, he’s usually in proximity of you.

-However, he is very intimidating!

-As a young woman in a magical world that you are not from, a very tall man with horns is the exact opposite of what you want to be around.

-Besides, you’ve heard the rumors about him — how powerful he is, and how scary he is.

-Malleus, on the other hand, is admittedly curious about you.

-He finds humans in their own right incredibly interesting, but you are not just a regular human.

-You are a human who has no magic and is from another world entirely. 

-You are something he has never once seen in his whole life, so excuse his childish curiosity.

-Still, you’re sort of cleverly avoiding him at every chance you get, and he just can’t quite find the time to talk to you.

-Until one night, you come back rather late and you find him in your yard… again.

-You send Grim in by himself and decide to confront him by yourself, because you are tired of being afraid to fall asleep at night.

-“Hey, you, could you maybe not stare at my house in the middle of the night!”

-Oh. You are quite feisty, and very bold to approach Malleus Draconia with such an aggressive tone.

-“I’m unsure what you mean, I’m simply admiring the architecture.”

“I don’t care WHAT you’re doing, you’re freaking me out! I know you’re supposedly some big scary monster guy, but I need you to STOP being weird outside my house.”

“…My apologies…”

-Malleus is pleasantly surprised at your spunk — he’s never been spoken to like that, he’s excited by it.

-After you yell at him, you let him explain himself, and you realize he is just… really, really bad at socializing.

-He wasn’t watching you, he just really enjoys silence and ramshackle is the quietest place on campus — even with you living in it.

-So, you give him the benefit of the doubt, because he really does just seem like he’s lost on everything around him 90% of the time.

-You don’t hang out with him during the day, but if you happen to see him on your lawn (as he usually is), you go out and hang out with him for a while.

-It makes Malleus happy, because you treat him like a friend. You give him cute nicknames, and you invite him inside for snacks, and you go out of your way to say hello to him when you pass him in the halls.

-He also gets to know more about you, and his curiosities about you and your world get quelled.

-He doesn’t really question anything about you, especially not your gender.

-Gender is hardly important for fae, and you seem confident in your expression, so he has no reason to wonder. Besides, there are far more thrilling things about you than your sex.

-So, you and Malleus start to grow close. So close, in fact, that you can confidently say that he’s one of your closest friends.

-At this point, almost everyone who you want to know about your gender knows. Everyone but Malleus.

-Initially you kept it a secret because you didn’t know how good he was at not talking, but now…

-Now, well, you don’t really have a reason.

-People usually question you at this point, or at least seem suspicious, but Malleus?

-Malleus shows not a hint that he thinks something is up. It’s odd to you, isn’t he supposed to be super smart or something. Maybe he’s just too respectful.

-Regardless, you decided to talk to him about it the next time you see him staring at the gargoyles around campus.

-“Hey Tsunotaro, what’re you up to?”

“Just admiring these gargoyles here, aren’t they fascinating? They were the first few installed in the school, if my memory serves me correctly.”

“They are very cool, but could I ask you something not gargoyle related?”

“What is it, child of man?”

“You know that I’m, uhm, a girl right?”

“Oh. I did not know that, how interesting.”

-He doesn’t understand why you would hide that, but it doesn’t really perturb him that much.

-The most you got was an eyebrow raise, and then he was back to his gargoyles.

-You were pretty satisfied with that, so you figured he wouldn’t tell anyone… and then you hear him loudly talking about it with his friends in Diasomania.

-Sigh… he means well, but he just doesn’t get the social stuff.

-You’re not mad, because pretty much everyone knows at this point, but it still sucks that he’s such a loudmouth.

[fairytaleendingss]

Hey lovely, first, I just want to say I love your work so much. I wanted to request a poly Marauders fic with a female reader who's struggling with schoolwork and is overall feeling depressed. She starts to isolate herself from everyone, her grades drop, and she stops taking good care of herself. I understand this is a heavier topic, but I've been stuck in a slump and would love an angst/comfort fic. Either way, thank you!

Thanks for the request! Generally, I don't mind writing about heavier topics so don't be afraid to ask (hurt/comfort is my favourite thing to write tbh). I'm sorry you're not doing well but I hope this makes you feel a little better.

Overworked

Summary: The boys comfort you when you've been struggling with your school load.

Pairing: Poly!Marauder x fem!reader

CW: Angst, reader not taking care of herself, poor mental health.

—

It was getting dark outside, you noticed, glancing out the window of the library. Silver stars had began to twinkle in the inky black sky and the moon, in it's waning phase was hanging just outside of window, casting gentle rays off light over the table before you.

You didn't know how long you'd been there but from the looks of things, it'd been a while. It had been mid-afternoon when you'd decided to venture into the library for a study session.

Now it was late, it seemed, and your half-written essay sat before you, staring into your soul like it was mocking you. You rubbed your eyes, in an attempt to clear your blurring vision.

You'd been working on this essay for what seemed like days but for some reason, you just couldn't make it work. This was your fourth re-write and you still weren't satisfied. You resigned yourself to the idea that you may have to pull yet another all-nighter tonight if you were going to get it ready for submission in a few days.

It had been like this for weeks. A constant cycle of submitting essays and starting new ones, in preparation for your upcoming NEWTs. It was becoming overwhelming. The work was piling up and this point you were struggling to see the finish line. It felt as though no matter how hard you tried, you just couldn't manage to keep up and it was killing you.

You'd barely had time to sleep over the last few weeks and when you did, it was full of horrid dreams of missing due dates and failing exams. You we're completely drained of energy, engulfed by stress and had barely had time to take care of yourself amongst the hours of exam prep you'd put yourself through. Your friends had started to notice it too, the way you'd withdrawn yourself. You'd begun to pull out of group events and stop engaging with conversations on the rare occasions when you did find time to spend with them.

And the worst part of it all is that you'd had to blow of your amazing boyfriends more times than you could count. You were sure it was starting to take a toll on them as well but you were too embarrassed to tell them about what was going on. They were all so naturally smart and got good grades without barely having to try (apart from Remus, of course, who studied like his life depended on it.)

So instead of opening up to them about your struggles and your concerns, you'd taken to avoiding them where you could, which was only proving to fill you with guilt on top of everything else.

You noticed a splash of water drop onto the parchment in front of you but you were quick to wipe it away. You had to remain focused.

You didn't know how much time had passed when you heard the gentle pitter patter of footsteps across the stone floor. You looked up to see the one and only James Potter, eyes scanning the space, clearly in search of something.

You raised a brow at the sight. You weren't quite sure what he was doing here. James rarely entered the library of his own volition. You wondered for a moment if he had gotten lost.

Then his gaze landed on you and his face lit up like a Christmas tree. He jogged over to you, placing a soft, lingering kiss on your cheek. Then he crouched down beside where your form was slumped over the desk.

"Hey there, lovely. We've been looking for you everywhere. You missed dinner."

He was looking into your eyes with such affection that they once again, welled with tears. He looked beautiful in the low light of the library. His dark curls were disheveled as usual, flopping down into his eyes, and he was wearing his signature lopsided smile, the one that usually never failed to cause butterflies to flutter in your stomach. However, in this moment in just caused a wave a guilt to wash over you. You didn't deserve him. You didn't deserve any of your wonderful boyfriends.

Sensing your distress, a crease of concern formed between James' eyebrows. He reached out a hand to every so gently brush a stand of hair behind your ear, his thumb hovering for a moment, rubbing small circles in your cheek.

"What's wrong sweetheart?"

"I'm sorry I missed dinner," you pouted, trying to keep your tears at bay. "I didn't mean stand you up again."

"That's okay, love," James chuckled sympathetically. "We're just worried about you is all."

Your bottom lip wobbled at that. You knew you'd been slack in your efforts with the boys recently and it hurt your heart to make them upset like this.

"Oh darling, come 'ere." he tugged you towards him, pulling you into his chest and wrapping his muscular arms around your shaking frame.

This is when the floodgates opened and you found yourself sobbing into the front of James' shirt. You gripped the fabric for dear life as he held you, not taking any notice of the wet patch you were creating on his front. He whispered soft reassurances in your hair, rubbing your back gently and you finally let the emotions wash over you.

Eventually your tears began to slow and you pulled away, sniffling pathetically. You looked into James' hazel eyes, which were now clouded with concern.

He opened his mouth to say something more but you were interrupted by the sound of hurried footsteps rushing towards the two of you.

"Prongs?" Sirius voice echoed out through the Library. "Are you in here?"

"Yeah, I found her," he called back.

A moment later, the figures of your other two boyfriends peered around a bookcase. The relief melted from their expressions when they took in the sight of year tear stained cheeks.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" Sirius rushed towards you and James moved aside to let him take a closer look at you.

"Did someone hurt you? I'll kill them."

This elicited a chuckle from you as you wiped your eyes with a shaky hand.

"No Sirius, I'm okay. You don't have to fight anyone."

"Well thank god for that," Remus sighed teasingly. "We wouldn't want anyone messing up that pretty face of yours, would we?"

Sirius took on a look of mock offense. "How dare you! They wouldn't have time to get a lick in if they hurt our girl."

"Well, luckily you don't have to worry about fighting any imaginary people just yet," you giggled.

Remus took a seat at your other side, happy to see Sirius was able to make you smile. He hadn't caught many of those as of late. As he sat down at the table, he noticed your unfinished essay.

"Darling, tell us what's got you so upset?" he pressed.

You took a deep breath. "I've just been so overwhelmed lately. I just feel like I can't keep up and the work just keeps piling up. I don't know if I can do it anymore."

"Oh, love," Sirius cooed, a deep frown gracing his delicate features. "Why didn't you tell us."

"I don't know. You guys are so good at school. I was just embarrassed I suppose."

Remus reached out a gentle hand to rub your back. "You never have to be embarrassed around us, lovely. We just want to help you. We can't do that if we don't know what's going on."

"I'm sorry," you mumbled pathetically. You felt a bit silly now for ever thinking they'd judge you.

"It's okay, sweets," James muttered. "We'll always be here for you if you need us. No matter what, alright?"

"Yeah," Sirius added. "Even if it means I have to fight someone."

You chuckled, shaking your head.

"There's that gorgeous smile of yours," he exclaimed and placed a gentle kiss to your lips.

"Now, what can we do to help?" Remus asked gently. He had this kind, nurturing aura about him that always had a way of putting you at ease.

You sighed, mentally assessing your list of tasks. "I need to finish this essay but I just can't seem to get to the end."

"It sounds to me like what you need, love, is a good nights sleep. You need to take care of yourself before anything else." He suggested, looking at you sweetly.

"Maybe you're right," you relented. Remus always was the wise one of the group.

"Come on!" Sirius exclaimed. "Lets get you up to bed. James can sneak down to the kitchen and grab you some food and then Remus can help you with your work in the morning. How does that sound?"

He helped you up from your chair and James swung your bookbag over his shoulder.

"That sounds nice," you told him earnestly.

Sirius tucked you under his arm while Remus gently grabbed your other hand in his and you began to make your way towards the tower.

"I have one more thing to ask though," you announced as you made your way through the castle halls.

"Anything," Remus answered, pressing a kiss to the side of your head.

"When we get back to the dorm, do you think we can cuddle for a bit?"

James turned around to face you from where he was walking ahead, a goofy smile plastered on his face.

"Darling, you never have to ask for that."

[allaboutthemoonlight]

Understanding the Difference Between Hard Work and Workaholism, and Self-Care Strategies for Avoiding Burnout

Hi friends,

In today’s post, I want to talk about the idea of hard-work vs workaholism and the resulting consequence of burnout. It’s a longer post today because I believe this is something that many people are dealing with, especially in this space.

In the self-improvement and personal development bubble, there’s a constant culture of ambition and striving for improvement. While the intention behind this can be rewarding, it can sometimes fall into toxic territory with constant encouragement of and sentiments such as “just work harder” or “you‘re not disciplined enough”, often leading people to exhaust and overwork themselves.

Due to this, I'd like to discuss the significance of distinguishing between hard work and workaholism — both for productivity and well-being. While hard work can indeed lead to success and fulfillment, workaholism can result in burnout and physical and mental health issues. Recognizing the distinction between these two and equipping oneself with self-care strategies is essential for leading a balanced, healthy life.

What is hard work?

Hard work can vary from person to person, and it’s the same for everyone. Generally, hard work can be described as dedicated and focused effort towards achieving a specific goal. This can mean anything from daily runs to train for a marathon to watching numerous youtube tutorials to learn how to code.

The point here is that, although hard work involves a certain level of persistence, discipline, and strong work ethic, there’s often rewarding outcomes as you know you’re making progress towards something you want to achieve.

Understanding if you’re a hard worker or someone suffering from workaholism dictates a high level of self-reflection and introspection. In my experience, hard workers are those who:

Have a clear understanding of what they want to achieve

Are action oriented and know the purpose behind their efforts

Have the ability to achieve a work/life balance

Are either intrinsically motivated and have a high level of identified motivation

Maintain an internal locus of control

Know when to take breaks

Being a hard worker is a significant skill, one that can lead to personal development, growth, and multiple career opportunities, these are facts that can’t be denied. However, in our current environment where an individuals worth is often determined by their accomplishments and successes, the line between working hard and being a workaholic has been blurred.

Understanding workaholism

Now that we’ve talked about what exactly makes a hard-worker, I want to uncover the other reality: workaholism.

Workaholism is an uncontrollable and compulsive need to work constantly. It comes from feelings of from anxiety, perfectionism, or a desire to escape personal issues. This includes:

Obsessively thinking about work

Struggling to relax or unwind outside of work

Ignoring personal relationships and self-care

Feeling physically drained with fatigue and insomnia

Multiple studies have explored the mental and physical impacts of workaholism, revealing impacts such as high levels of chronic stress, anxiety, depression, fatigue, cardiovascular issues, among others. It’s truly an exhaustive list of consequences, all of which can lead to burnout and emotional exhaustion. Beyond mental and physical health risks, the effects of workaholism can include professional issues. It’s ironic that overworking oneself can have a negative impact on your career, yet there’s a higher likelihood of decreased job performance and strained professional relationships as a result.

I think Jordan Peterson said it best: “You don’t want to do so much work that the amount of you do interferes with the amount of work you could still do”.

Here are some of the key differences between hard work and workaholism to keep in mind:

Purpose and Motivation: Hard work is driven by intentional goals and motivation, while workaholism tends to be more compulsive.

Work-Life Balance: Hard workers manage to balance their professional and personal lives, while workaholics often neglect their personal life and self-care.

Sustainability: Hard work is sustainable over time with breaks for rest and recovery, whereas workaholism leads to burnout due to its unsustainable nature.

Control Over Work: Hard workers can regulate their work habits and take breaks when needed, while workaholics often feel out of control and struggle to stop working.

Stress Levels: Hard work can be stressful but usually within healthy limits, while workaholism leads to chronic stress and health problems.

What is burnout and how can we prevent it

With all that being said, I want to move on to clearly defining burnout and how we can avoid it. Burnout is a work-related state of exhaustion where you feel extreme fatigue, have a hard time concentrating, suffer from emotional dysregulation and poor cognitive function, and mentally distance yourself from the people around you.

Burnout doesn't happen all at once; it's a gradual process that builds up over time, often linked to workaholism. When you’re constantly in a mental state of go-go-go or feel the need to work excessively, you’ll start feeling stressed out from trying to meet all these demands. Over time, if you don’t find ways to take breaks and rest to recharge, you’ll lose energy and find yourself in a state of burnout.

This all happens because burnout leads to emotional exhaustion, detachment from work and others in your life, and a decreased sense of personal accomplishment and motivation.

So how can we prevent this?

There are 5 domains in our lives that we can pay more attention to for preventing burnout: physical, mental/emotional, social, work, and personal/leisure.

Physical Well-being:

Find a form of physical activity you enjoy and do it regularly

Take short breaks during work sessions to stretch and move around

Maintain a balanced diet to sustain energy levels

Get enough each night to support brain function during the day

Mental and Emotional Well-being:

Practice mindfulness techniques and meditation to reduce stress

Practice gratitude daily to adopt a positive mindset

Use deep breathing exercises to calm your mind and body.

Social Support and Relationships:

Seek help when needed through therapy, counseling, or support groups

Make time to connect with family and friends outside of work

Set boundaries for maintaining balance by defining working hours and learn to say no

Workplace Strategies:

Try to opt for projects or tasks in your work that align with personal goals and preferences

Try to schedule meetings to obtain feedback from your higher ups so that you have clear measures on your performance can identity areas for improvement

Find ways to make your work fun to sustain motivation and satisfaction in your work

Leisure and Relaxation:

Schedule leisure activities throughout your day to recharge

Dedicate time to hobbies and interests outside of work

Spend time in nature to connect with the environment and reduce mental fatigue

Thank’s for tuning in.

As always,

L <3

[carlottawllms]

The Night I Nearly Lost You

Mason Mount x Reader Angst / Fluff Word Count: 6.7K TW: mentions of accident and injuries (nothing descriptive or too bad)

I really hope you’ll like this one! Enjoy <3 As always, feedback is very much appreciated.

With the way you’d already gotten up on the wrong side of the bed, you should’ve known that staying in the warm heaven would’ve probably been the best solution for everyone.

Not only had you woken up in a cold sweat after a terrifying nightmare, but then the water in the much-needed shower just wouldn’t get warm and as if that hadn’t been enough bad news already, on top of all that your coffee machine had failed.

You should’ve just called it a day, but with the responsibilities adult life brought, it just wasn’t that simple.

Technically, it was your day off today, but as a paediatric nurse in the PICU in a London hospital that was understaffed and impaired by several sick colleagues, you never really had a day off – unless you weren’t home.

But since you’d nothing planned for today anyway, you’d agreed to being on standby in case someone was needed. Especially as the sick children shouldn’t suffer just because the health care sector was barely supported by the country’s politics.

And apart from that, you really loved your job. Sure, it was a challenging one – mentally and physically – and it could leave you crying in the on-call-room every once in a while, because the moments when there was nothing that could be done for a sick child anymore were far too devastating.

But then there were also the wonderful moments when children, cured of their illnesses, were able to leave the hospital. And seeing the children running down the hall, healthy and with grins on their faces and their relieved families, knowing you’d played a small part in that too, made it all worthwhile.

Just as you’d sat down on the sofa, your coffee ready for a relaxed afternoon on the sofa, your phone rang: Jessy. The deputy head of care service.

“Hi Jessy.”

“y/n, I’m very sorry to call this early, but Mary just called in sick and without her Helen would be on her own.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m on my way, I should be there in 15.”

You knew the drill, having done it countless of times already so at this point putting your shoes and jacket on, grabbing your bag and some snack within less than 3 minutes was second nature to you.

Traffic in London was always bad and especially in the late afternoons so with going some rather unconventional routes you hoped to beat the worst parts of the traffic so it wouldn’t take you too long to arrive.

And apparently for the first time today luck seemed to be on your side, as all the traffic lights turned green just in time for you to avoid having to stop altogether, but it left you the moment you crossed the last set of lights as the last thing you heard was a very loud horn and then everything went dark.

*

“Nah seriously mate, he’s jokes.”, Mason laughed, as he patted Luke on the back.

After a fairly draining training session, that had left his legs aching and burning, all Mason had wanted was to go home and flop down on his sofa with as little movement as possible, but instead he was now sat between Luke and Licha in one of the restaurants not far from Carrington.

The guys had talked about grabbing some early dinner together after the session and when they’d asked him to join, he’d not been able to refuse. They’d happily accepted him as part of the family, so who was he to say no to an invitation.

“Honestly though, I know him from the England squad like, Rashy can confirm that an-“, Mason interrupted himself when a name he’d not expected to see ever again flash up on his phone. “Hang on for a sec, I need to take this.”

He grabbed his phone as he left the table quickly, his heart beating out of his chest. After everything that had happened and not being on speaking terms for about 8 months, he hadn’t expected to ever hear from you again and seeing your name now brough feelings to the surface he’d buried six feet under.

After taking a deep, but shaky breath, he answered the phone. “y/n?”

“This is Elizabeth Brown from St. Thomas Hospital London, am I speaking to Mr. Mason Mount?”

“Yes, that’s me.”, he answered, his body suddenly feeling all cold. The hospital?

He knew he should be more careful with things like that. After years of being in the football business he knew that fans went down questionable paths to get information, but the moment the woman mentioned the hospital – the one you didn’t work at – his mind went blank.

“Erm…you said hospital? Is…is she okay?” Mason tried to stay calm although his heart was beating out of his chest. It was never a good sign when the hospital called and judging by the sick feeling in his gut, this wouldn’t be a good call either.

“Mr. Mount, I’m sorry, but Ms. y/l/n was involved in an accident and brought in a couple of minutes ago, she was rushed into surgery for treatment on several injuries, that’s all I can tell you right now. She had you saved as her emergency contact, is there any way you could come?”

There was a bit of a pause as he was too shocked to say anything. He tried to take steady and even breaths, but they just came out faltering, only adding to the lightheaded feeling.

“I erm…” Mason grabbed a hold of the railing close by. His legs were shaking, and he felt like he was going to faint any second. The accident…the surgery…you injured… “I’m actually not…we erm…we broke up 8 months ago and erm…I’m not in London…I-“

“You’re her only emergency contact.”, the woman explained kindly. “You can call family and ask them to come, but we’re not allowed to just call someone else.”

Running his hand over his face, he took a deep breath, trying not to panic as he thought about the options he had.

Unfortunately, there weren’t very many. You didn't have a very good relationship with your family – something that had always been hard for you - so he couldn't notify any of them. Your friends in London were not well disposed towards him since the break-up so apart from driving himself, he only had the option of asking Ben.

But you’d still saved him as your emergency contact so maybe he should actually go? Was it just because you’d forgotten to change it? Or had you meant for it to stay the same? But that wouldn’t make any sense, would it?

“Mr. Mount?”

“Yeah, sorry.”, he mumbled, running his hand through his hair. “I erm…I’ll see what I can do. I’ll either come down myself, which would take a couple of hours, or I’ll send Benjamin Chilwell. Can you erm…can you put that down somewhere, so he’s allowed to come in?”

“Yes, of course, no problem at all.”

“Thank you, Mrs. erm?”

“Brown.”

“Right, sorry. Thank you, Mrs. Brown.”  

“That’s okay.”, she told him. “Our doctors will do everything to make sure she’s alright. The surgery will require some time and then Ms. y/l/n will still be out due to the anaesthesia. So please don’t rush.”  

After the call ended, Mason took a moment. He leaned his head against the wall, eyes closed and willing to hold back the tears. His heart was beating out of his chest and with the sick feeling rising in his stomach he was afraid he was gonna vomit any second.

He knew there was only one right thing to do, but for some reason he didn’t think he should actually go. Your relationship hadn’t necessarily ended on good terms and as he’d been the one who’d fucked it up, surely you wouldn’t want to see him out of all people. Maybe he really should call Ben and ask him to go?

“I thought you go- Hey, Mase, is everything okay? What’s wrong?”

“I erm…the hospital called me, y/n was in an accident and…I don’t know if she’ll make it.”

Mason couldn’t explain it, but it was the moment he said it out loud that he truly realised it, that it became real. You’d been in an accident, the person he still cared so deeply about had been in an accident and rushed into surgery, and there was nothing he could do.

“y/n as in your ex?”, Luke asked, and Mason nodded as tears sprung into his eyes.

“Luke, what if the last thing I ever told her was that I couldn’t see a future with her? What if I never get to tell her just how sorry I am for everything I said and that I never meant it? That I was just scared and-“

“Hey, stop. Mase, you need to breathe.” Luke grabbed him by the shoulders as Mason was slowly starting to panic. “This is y/n we’re talking about. She’s a fighter, okay? She’ll make it and then you get to tell her you’re sorry and all that, okay? But right now I need you not to panic.”

Mason took a couple of deep breaths to get himself back under control and once his erratic breathing had calmed down a little, Luke let go of him. He was right, you’d always been a fighter and there was no way you’d stop being one now.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“No, I…they asked me to come down to London. Apparently, y/n has still saved me as her emergency contact, but erm…I don’t think I should go, you know?” Mason ran his hand through his hair again. “Things ended so badly, like I fucked up so much and I don’t think I should go…I just don’t think she would want to see me out of all people…it’s just that…she’s alone and…I should ask Ben to go and see her. I think they still talk and-“

“No, Mase.”, Luke shook his head. “I understand that there’s a lot going on for you right now and yes, maybe she just forgot to change it, but we don’t know that. Maybe this is your chance to make it all right, you know? I get you’re scared, but you should go and see her. Be there for her when she wakes up.”

“What if it just makes things worse? Luke, I hurt her so much and pushed her away when I should’ve just…I don’t know.”

“Okay.”, Luke sighed. “I do understand what you mean and why you’re scared, but Mase the moment she wakes up in hospital with wires attached to her body, she’ll be shocked and scared with hundreds of things on her mind, but your break-up won’t be one of those things. She’ll just be relieved to have someone by her side. You really should go.”  

A few minutes, in which Mason thought about his friend's words, passed. Luke was probably right, and he worried unnecessarily, but what if you really didn't want to see him? What if you just sent him away the moment you saw him?

“C’mon Mase, you and I we both know what the right thing is. Don’t be a coward and send Ben. I don’t know what really happened between you and her, but if she actually meant to keep you as her emergency contact, waking up with the realisation that you rejected her and instead sent Ben would break her heart all over again.”

Mason sighed and nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll erm…I’ll grab myself a coffee and head down to London.”

“Call the gaffer on the way, tell him about the family emergency and he’ll understand. Just be there for her okay?”

-

Without any preparation Mason jumped into the car, leaving Luke to explain why he’d just left so suddenly and made his way down to London.

After calling the gaffer and him unsurprisingly being very understanding of the whole situation, Mason’s thoughts kept travelling around one thing.

You.

You’d been the best thing that had ever happened to him and until today, he couldn’t believe he’d so royally fucked it up and lost you.

First, he’d sworn to himself he’d make it right and fight for you, but then he’d waited too long and too much time had passed. He’d convinced himself you didn’t want him to fight anymore. And he’d tried to convince himself that he didn’t love you anymore, that he’d just move on and find someone else.

But now that he was faced with the terrifying truth that he might not even get to see you ever again, he regretted everything even more. He knew he should’ve at least told you how sorry he was, and that the problem had never been you. What if you’d just left this world without knowing just how loved you’d truly been? What if all he was left with from now on was knowing you as a memory?

The four hours to London passed more quickly than he’d expected, and he found himself in front of the hospital. Just like Luke had asked, Mason shot him a quick message, letting him know he’d arrived safely and with one last deep breath he made his way into the building.

He tried to cross the hall quickly in an attempt to draw as little attention as possible, but when more people turned and stared, he realised he probably should’ve worn a cap and swapped his training gear for a dark hoodie and sweatpants.

“Hi, I’m looking fo-“

“Holy shit, you’re Mason Mount.” The way the receptionist gasped and stared at him with wide eyes made Mason feel incredibly uncomfortable. He buried his hands in his pockets and dropped his head as more people now turned to look at what was happening.

“Listen, I’m looking for someone. I was called for y/n y/l/n. Where can I find her?”

“I can’t believe it’s Mason Mount right in front of me. I’ll have a look in a minute, can we just quickly take a photo?”

The audacity this woman had was beyond him and it took him a lot to stay calm and level-headed when all he wanted was to scream at her to let him know where he could find you. He was in the right mind to push her off the chair and search through the system himself.

“I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I really don’t have any intention of taking photos with anyone here right now. And if you don’t want me knocking on every single door in this hospital, I kindly ask you again to let me know where I can find Ms. y/l/n.”

The woman looked a little shocked, probably not expecting him to put his foot down like that and depending on how butthurt she was, he could imagine her posting shit about him on social media in a bit, but in this moment, he simply didn’t give a shit about his own reputation. All he wanted was to go and see you.

“Oh erm…yes of course. It’s erm…” She clicked a couple of times, seemingly stressed as she looked for your information, before she nodded. “There it is. Floor 5, room 129.”

“Thank you.”, Mason smiled tightly before rushing off towards the elevators. There were three of them and the scoreboard of all of them showed 8. “Fuck.”, he muttered as he quickly decided to take the stairs.

Whilst running up the 5 stories, he prayed you weren’t out of anaesthesia yet as he desperately didn’t want you to wake up alone with no one by your side.

It hadn't been that long since he’d had his own surgery and he knew how relieving it was to have someone sitting by the bedside. He couldn't imagine how much worse it had to be for you, since yours hadn’t been a scheduled one and you were just thrown into this situation. 

Barely out of breath – a perk of being a professional athlete – he took the very last step and opened the huge door. Against his expectations he wasn’t met with the ward, but a regular room, equipped with a desk and sealed stacks of hospital gowns and masks.

A young nurse stood up the moment he entered. It was clear from her reaction that she’d recognised him too, but unlike the receptionist, she pulled herself together after a millisecond.

“Mr. Mount.”, the woman smiled. “Visiting hours are over, is there anything I can help you with?”

“Yes, I was called for y/n y/l/n. She had an accident and I’m the emergency contact.”

“Oh yes, okay. My colleague left me a notification saying that someone would come to see Ms. y/l/n.”

“How is she?” Mason noticed how his voice was a little shaky, the stifling atmosphere only a hospital could create and the burning fear you couldn’t make it through eventually taking a toll on him.

“She came out of surgery about 10 minutes ago and she’s stable. She’s made it through the hard part, Mr. Mount.”, the nurse explained kindly. “When you put these on, you can go and see her. It’s always better for patients to have someone by their side when they wake up.”

As quickly as possible, Mason pulled the blue visitors gown over his clothes before the nurse helped him with the mask.

“It’s room 129. She should be asleep for a while longer, but once she wakes up press the call button, please? I’ll have to check a couple of things.”

“Yeah, sure. Thank you.”

„Oh and you can take the mask off once you’re in the room. It’s just important to wear it on the corridor as there’s critical patients on this floor.“

With a key and a smile, she opened the door that sported ICU in big white letters on the frosted glass. It was 9.30pm and accordingly the corridor was quiet and empty, as Mason made his way to the room the nurse had pointed out.

His legs felt like jello and the way his heart was thundering in his chest, made him wonder if it could burst a ribcage. He couldn’t remember ever having felt this sick, but when he opened the door and saw you, his heart dropped to his stomach.

“y/n.”, he whispered as he felt his heart breaking in his chest.

There you were, asleep in bed with wires and tubes attached to your body. You looked fragile, your face pale. There was a huge gash across your eyebrow, several scratches on the parts of your arms he could see and as his eyes travelled lower, he spotted the cast around your hand and wrist.

The even beeping of the machines, monitoring your heartrate were as reassuring as upsetting, reminding him that it could be over in any moment. As the door fell closed with a gentle thud and he was finally alone with you, tears welled up in his eyes, quickly falling down his cheeks whilst he walked closer to your bed.  

“You need to be okay. Please, y/n.”

Never before had he felt this helpless and lost, this broken and all he wanted was to make you feel better, but looking at you, he didn’t know how. He didn’t know how to be the strong person when it had always been you who’d guided him through every storm.

Hesitantly, Mason reached out and grabbed your good hand in his as he sat down as close to your bed as possible, his eyes trained on the way your chest rose and fell evenly and the movements alone calmed him down a little. You’d be okay. You had to be.

He sat there for what felt like forever, holding your hand and stroking your skin whilst watching over every breath you took and the longer he stared at you the more he realised just how much he’ missed you and how much of an idiot he’d been.

He’d tried to keep it buried six feet under, but now that you’d nearly slipped through his fingers forever, it was like a slap across his face. He still loved you with everything he had.

“I’m so fucking sorry.” Mason lowered his head until he could place a soft kiss to the back of your hand. “Please wake up, y/n. I need one chance to tell you that I miss you and that I love you and that I wish I was yours again.”

For the next hour and half, Mason never left your side. The nurse came in once and reassured him, that you still sleeping was totally normal. She updated him on your injuries and told him that he could stay for as long as he wanted to, but he was sure that even if she’d called the security to remove him, he would’ve fought them and stayed.

Mason couldn’t remember when he’d placed his head on the mattress next to your leg and closed his eyes, but he must’ve fallen asleep a little and it was only when the beeping of the machines changed that he shot up from his position. His neck felt a little stiff, but he didn’t really pay any attention to it as your heart rate had suddenly picked up.

Unsure, if it was a good or a bad sign and if she should press the call button for the nurse, he observed you a little while longer. The cute little crease he used to kiss away appeared between your brows and in a flash, memories of better times rushed past him. Memories in which you woke up from a nap in his arms, tired eyes and a small smile on your face.

The light in the room seemed to be too bright for your liking as it took you a couple of attempts to open your eyes properly, but when you eventually did, he could easily spot the confusion on your features.

Frantically, your gaze flickered around the room, your bed, the cast on your arm and eventually to Mason’s hand still firmly clasped around yours. He could feel his insecurity skyrocketing and blushed deeply. He’d overstepped, hadn’t he?

But as he attempted to pull his hand away, you just tightened your hold on his.

Panic and fear, that’s what Mason saw in your usually so warm and gentle eyes when you raised your head and looked at him. It broke his heart to see you like this and whilst he really wanted to help, he didn’t know how.

“It’s okay.”, he whispered. “I’m right here.”

You had no idea what had happened, why you were in what looked like a hospital and why Mason of all people was sitting by your bed holding your hand but you knew one thing for sure: You didn’t want him to let go.  

Because despite your past, right now he was all you knew and the only familiar thing that gave you some sort of comfort and reassurance in the midst of panic.

The constant beeping around you, the unfamiliar surroundings and most of all the fact you couldn’t remember what had happened scared you. You felt restrained, your head pounded, and everything hurt and when the door suddenly opened flinched.

“Hey, it’s okay, yeah?” Mason squeezed your hand gently. “You’re okay.”

“My name is Ally.”, the young nurse smiled. “I know you must be very confused right now, but I need to ask you a couple of questions, okay?”

You looked at Mason, unsure if you wanted to speak to her, but when he just nodded and smiled you focused back on the nurse. “Okay.”

Your voice was raspy as you attempted to speak, your sore throat making it somewhat impossible, but before you could even ask for some water, Mason held the cup with the straw out for you to take a sip.

The nurse waited for you to finish before starting with a series of questions about yourself and how you’d ended up here and you tried your best to answer them, but as much as you tried to remember, the memory of what had happened didn’t come back.

“An accident is a traumatic experience, so it is quite normal that your brain tries to protect you and hold back the disturbing memories. Please do not worry about this. The surgery went well and if your condition remains the same, we can move you to the normal ward as early as tomorrow.”

She carefully removed some of the wires from your body, leaving you with just the clip on your finger that observed your heart rate.

“I’ll be outside whenever you need me.”, she smiled. “You can use the free bed, Mr. Mount. Sleeping in a chair isn’t the most comfortable.”

And with that you and Mason were back to yourselves. It was quiet for a moment as neither of you really knew what to do or say and as much as you’d love to ask why he was here, you didn’t think you were strong enough to have any kind of conversation right now. You were exhausted, still shocked from what the nurse had told you and above all, you were confused.

A couple of months ago, Mason had broken your heart and left you on your own to pick up the pieces. You should hate him and tell him to go, but you couldn’t. This feeling of comfort and safety only he could provide enveloped you as you focused back on him.

But you were aware he had responsibilities and probably needed to leave soon.

“You don’t have to stay.”, you mumbled, eyes dropping to where your hand was still tightly held by his. “I know you have training and-“

“Do you want me to go, y/n?”, Mason asked quietly, desperately hoping you’d say no. He didn’t want to leave you, but he knew he had no right to just stay. Not after having broken your heart and left you behind like something unimportant.

“I erm…” A shy smile flickered over your face, and you squeezed Mason’s hand. “I’d actually like you to stay.”

“Okay then. I’ll stay.”, he whispered, voice full of emotions. He felt as if he was 10 pounds lighter and the relief rushing through his veins gave him a little high as he got up from the chair and let you know he’d grab the bag of clothes he always kept in his car for emergencies.

“I’ll grab some things from my car, but I promise I’ll be back in a bit, yeah?”

With a fond smile on your face you nodded and you expected him to leave, but to your and probably his surprise, he leaned down and kissed you softly on your forehead. “I’m so glad you’re okay, y/n.”

Mason practically ran to his car and then back up as he didn’t want to leave you alone for too long and once, he was back and had changed into a t-shirt and shorts, he moved the bed the nurse had pointed out for him to use, as close to yours as possible.

You were still pretty exhausted and the lingering pain obvious on your features, but you seemed to fight the sleep trying to catch up with you. Your eyes constantly looked for Mason and it wasn’t long until he figured out why.

“Hey, I’ll still be here in the morning, okay? I won’t leave you alone, I promise.”, he told you softly before shuffling closer to you and turning onto his side so he could face you properly. “Go to sleep y/n. I’ll stay awake, yeah?”

Instead of answering, you straightened your arm until your hand was on his bed, palm up and only when Mason wrapped his hand around your smaller one did you close your eyes.

Mason’s heart squeezed in his chest. The moment a perfect reminder of that one hot summer night, he’d convinced you to sleep outside in his garden on nothing but thin mattresses. You’d both been lying on your backs, staring at the beautiful night sky. Whilst counting the stars, you’d absentmindedly reached your hand out and grabbed his and the moment had burned itself into his brain.

Whilst he watched you fall asleep peacefully, the tip of his finger just about caressed your warm skin. It was something he loved doing. Your skin was always so soft and warm and welcoming and whilst he knew you loved his touch, it was also an action that never failed to calm himself down.

Once he knew you were fast asleep, he settled down himself, body angled towards you and hand still wrapped around yours, but although he knew you were okay, sleep wouldn’t take over as he constantly needed to check you were still breathing fine.

But at some point he must’ve fallen into a light slumber, as he was awoken by your quiet whimpering. Mason shot up into a sitting position and wiped over his face in an attempt to wake up properly.

You were still asleep, but there were tears rolling down your cheeks and the way your body shook had Mason terrified you’d hurt yourself even more.

“Hey, y/n. Wake up, love.” He shuffled over and into your bed. Mindful of your injured body, he carefully pulled you against his chest as best as he could, arms wrapping tightly around your shaking frame. “C’mon, y/n. Wake up, it’s just a nightmare.”

He tapped your cheek lightly in an attempt to wake you up and get you out of that horrendous dream that was torturing your poor soul and the moment you gasped and opened your eyes, he let go of a deep breath.

“Mase!”, you choked, the images of your dream still burned into your mind, but the way he held you close to him helped you calm down slowly but surely and when you felt him pressing his lips to the top of your head as he gently rocked your body from side to side whilst whispering reassuring words, you relaxed into his chest.  

For a while you just stayed there, calming your rapid breathing with the help of his even heartbeat right under your ear and in that moment, you realised how easy it was to just ignore your past and just feel safe in his hold.

“Why did you come here?”

Your question hit him out of the blue and Mason was confused for a second what you were referring to, but then he realised.

“You’ve still saved me as your emergency contact.”, he explained quietly. “The hospital called me and told me about your condition and asked me to come see you. I wanted to send Ben first cause I didn’t think you’d want to see me, but then I just…I don’t know, I just couldn’t live with the thought of rejecting you and not coming to help you, you know?”

You didn’t say anything, too overwhelmed by the fact that despite not speaking for about 8 months, he’d made his way down to London to be there for you.

Maybe the two of you still had a chance? When he was willing to drop just everything and drive 4 hours for you, then why should you stay stuck in the past yourself?

“Can you please stay?”, you whispered, face pressing a little more into his chest as you felt your cheeks heating up.

“Of course.”

“No, I mean with me here…like…in my bed and…hold me?”

“I’ll hold you for as long as you want me to.”

“Forever then.”, was what you thought, but you knew you couldn’t say it out loud. Not yet at least. Instead, you sighed deeply. “Thank you, Mase. Also, for coming here.”

“Anything for you, love.”

It was the second time the pet name slipped out, but this time you could hear it and whilst Mason’s heart dropped to his stomach in fear of having overstepped, yours warmed in your chest.

The way his hand was running through your hair and up and down your spine relaxed you like nothing else ever could and it wasn’t long until you were back asleep in his arms.

“I’ll fight for you, y/n.”, he whispered as he watched you sleeping peacefully on his chest, something he didn’t think he’d ever get to see again. “I promise I’ll never leave you again unless you send me away.”

Mason dropped a gentle kiss to the top of his head before he closed his eyes and let himself drift off as well.

-

When the gentle rays of the morning sun had woken up both of you, you’d stayed cuddled up with each other for a while, simply enjoying a moment neither of you were sure would happen again.

He’d meant to speak to you about everything straight away, but the doctor and nurse came to do their rounds shortly after he’d gotten up and brushed his teeth, so he had to postpone the inevitable for a little while longer.

They explained what they’d done in surgery, that everything had gone well, and you would be transferred to the normal ward before lunch. You asked a couple of questions about recovery times and what kind of support you’d need and to Mason’s relief you seemed to be a lot better than what he’d expected.

And then, the both of you were back on your own.

The atmosphere was a little tense, the events of the night before hanging above you both and whilst you felt a little lighter about the whole situation, you still needed some sort of explanation for closure.

“I think we should talk.”, you mumbled, heart beating out of your chest. The night before had felt as if everything was okay and whilst you’d loved being back in his arms there was still this deep settled worry gnawing on your insides.

You patted the edge of your bed, signalling him that despite the serious conversation ahead, you wanted him to be somewhat close.   

“Why did you do it?”, you asked once Mason had sat down.

“I was scared.”, he admitted quietly, not needing you to be more specific with your question. “I fell so bloody hard for you that the thought of you ever leaving me…it just…it just messed with me. I already knew I’d most likely move to Manchester, and you’d just started that new job and…god I’m so fucking sorry I was such a coward.”

Ashamed, Mason dropped his head, fingers playing with the white bedsheets. He felt like shit and like the biggest idiot in the world. Instead of talking to you, he’d made up his mind that you’d break up with him anyway and to save himself from the pain, he’d done it first and ruined both of your lives in the process.

“There’s no excuse for what I did, but I need you to know that I am incredibly sorry. Ever since I left your flat that night, I haven’t stopped regretting the things I said and how I made you feel, how much I hurt you.”

Mason ran his shaking hand through his hair, heart beating out of his chest as he tried to keep himself together.

“I should’ve talked to you, I know, but I’d somehow made up my mind already, convinced you’d end things and let me go on my own because…we’re both not made for a long-distance relationship and…I just…the way I felt for you was so special and so rare and I just got so scared.”

“Felt?” Your voice was small and hesitant and when Mason looked up and saw the tears rolling down your cheeks, his heart broke all over again. He hated himself for how much pain he’d caused you in the past and how now it was happening again.

“Feel.”, he whispered, terrified of admitting it as chances were you didn’t feel the same anymore, but he needed to get it all off his chest to keep the tiny hope you’d take him back alive.

“I still love you, y/n. The truth is, I love you so much it scares the shit out of me because I know I’ll never be able to love anyone the way I love you. From the moment I met you, I knew you were special and that’s why it still hurts so much. I had the best person ever in my life and I fucked it up.”

“Mase.”, you sniffled, trying to hold your own tears back as you whipped Mason’s off his reddened cheeks. “Please don’t cry.”

“It’s ridiculous I know. I am the one who ruined the best thing ever and now I’m sitting here crying whilst you were the one I put through so much, but when they called yesterday, I thought I’d never get to tell you how sorry I am and how much you mean to me and I realised that I might never get the chance to hold you again and to tell you how much I love you and…I’m just such an idiot for pushing you away when all I ever wanted was to be with you”

His sobs and words were breaking your heart. Yeah, he’d hurt you, but it was obvious that he’d hurt himself too. Very much so and whilst you’d always wondered what it would take to heal fully from your break-up, you now realised that there was no way you’d ever get over it unless you faced the challenge and gave him a second chance.

A chance you knew he deserved. He’d dropped everything in Manchester, probably even went through the horror moment of calling his new manager and telling him he wouldn’t be able to attend training, only to then drive four hours to the capital to be here for you.

If he hadn’t cared, he would’ve sent Ben. But he hadn’t. And you appreciated it more than you could ever explain.

“I understand, Mase.”, you mumbled, pulling him into your chest and holding him close whilst you both cried in each other’s embrace.

“It’s not okay and it will take a while to be okay because you’ve hurt me a lot, but I accept your apology.”, you managed to say after a while, causing him to cry a little more and you gently ran your hand through his hair, scratching his scull in an attempt to calm him down. “Look at me please?”

When he pulled his face out of your neck and his bloodshot eyes found yours, you smiled at him softly.

“Yeah, you hurt me a lot and those last 8 months have been hell, but you’re here now and yes it will take a while to come to terms with it all, but Mase, I still love you too. I love you to bits and although I’ve really tried, I couldn’t get over you. There’s always been this pathetic hope to get you back someday.”, you sniffled as you sent him a teary smile. “Being without you was terrible and I don’t want to go through that again. You’re here now and we need to work on a lot of things and talk a little more, but I do want you back – if you’ll have me that is.”

Mason pulled his trembling bottom lip between his teeth as fresh tears fell. There was no way you’d just said that.

“Of course, I’ll have you.”, he sobbed. “There’s nothing else I want more.”

You gently cupped his face with your hands, thumbs brushing away the still falling tears and when he smiled at you, really smiled at you, your heart melted.

“I’ve missed you so much.”, he mumbled. “God, I’ve missed you so much you have no idea.”

“I do.”, you nodded. “Mase, I’ve missed you just as much.”

And before you could chicken out, you leaned in and pressed your lips to his in a hesitant, gentle kiss.  

—————

I genuinely hope you enjoyed reading this. You would make my day if you left a little feedback so I can see what you liked and what I can improve on 🩷

[strawberrykaon]

I think autistic primarchs would present very differently than in a baseline human. Its so much easier to cover up or explain away.

Like if Mortarion goes semi- verbal, he still sounds normal. But very stilted for a primarch. Its different from when I can only maybe say three words at a time. Usually I can only go "I don't know" or "no", or "go away". For him it's still full length sentences, like "I think I just need to be alone now". That can easily be explained to be exhaustion. But in reality he can't vocalize anything more complex right now.

Guilliman has be scripting since a child but no one notices. He just has over 100 scripts memorized for any occasion. Any question or change in the conversation. He already has a script lined up. He's capable of memorizing it. Conversations happen so naturally, you can't even tell the difference.

Even the way they stim can be so different to a baseline. Probably in ways a baseline can't comprehend. Traits like increased pattern recognition are standard in a primarch. All primarchs are far more "higher functioning" than any baseline.

Being behind their brothers developmentally by a few weeks is nothing compared to a baseline. What's walking at two months when most humans are closer to a year old when they start. Sure the other primarchs were walking much sooner. Some right out of the pod. But they often reached adulthood far sooner than any human. What constitutes a development delay to a primarch. If an apothecary can't tell what's a high blood pressure level in Guilliman. How can you tell?

Exhaustion that so many autistic face is so off from a baseline. They need less sleep. They can go through periods without rest for far longer. I think in cases like Mortarion, he can just push through an autistic burnout. Sure he's a bit more irritable, among other things. But hey, the point of a shutdown won't hit him till a few decades later. So therefore he must have high energy levels then even his brothers. Despite the toll on his mental health. Plus their recovery times are far shorter. Guilliman needs just a few days to feel normal after a year long campaign after all. Doesn't matter how he was acting prior. Any strange behavior can be hand waved away.

Mental conditioning can be used to suppress sensory overload. No point in having your super solider curl up screaming because he has super hearing. And you threw him into an active warzone. Lets make sure you can't process that information in way that would harm you. (Plus I think as a rule primarchs have a tendency to be more sensory seeking than sensory avoidant.)

Hell even their positions in the imperial society could make it easier to mask. If Perturabo wants something done in a certain way, you are going to do it that way. You're just some 25 year old iron warrior or serf that needs to follow command. Plus you don't know best compared to a primarch.

Of course they mask in typical ways. Mortarion hasn't rocked when upset since he was young. Because Nacrae told him that he should avoid such weakling behavior. Or still show more obvious traits like Dorn's flatter speaking style. (IDK how true this is but everyone says this and I'm not too familiar with Dorn to say otherwise.)

Also I like to imagine that the Emperor intentionally placed Autism into some of his designer babies. Thinking he could "avoid all the negatives but only gain those traits that would benefit them greatly." Only for his patience to slowly be drained. Like Perturabo having a meltdown while Dorn is trying to get the two of them to work together. But he's lost the ability to mask what little he does. And is just going, "We are to conclude this activity in an hour. I have to calibrate the ships sensors in an hour and half. You have already wasted 10 minutes. We must refocus so we can conclude in an hour..."

The problem start when understanding what's going on under the surface. Or when you start comparing them to their brothers. But hey you're below understanding what a primarch is thinking. And all the primarchs are little off. They're demigods. What makes these one's so different. Doesn't help they themselves won't consider it themselves. Or even be insulted by the implication. I'm not an invalid. Don't be ridiculous.

(I used Perturabo, Dorn, and Guilliman here because they're the common ones head cannoned as autistic. I went with Mortarion as well because I decided to just go with it. I know him the best. Plus this is all just headcannon. Just to be clear. Reasoning being his kids tend to present with a flat personality anyways. Also heard Mortarion was always behind his brothers, so developmental delays?? Idk yet where they got that in lore yet. Trying to get through all the books is a lot. Plus his other strange behaviors. But it could just be poor socialization as a child mixed with mental illness. Could also just be all three too. But more than these four could be autistic is my point. Sorry if this post was rambling or unclear. Or if anyone has done this before. I just wanted to get my thoughts out on the subject.)

[galene-gothic]

𝖠𝗅𝗅 𝖺𝖻𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗇𝖾𝗑𝗍 𝗈𝗋 𝖼𝗎𝗋𝗋𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝗌𝗂𝗀𝗇𝗂𝖿𝗂𝖼𝖺𝗇𝗍 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗇𝖾𝖼𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇

୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊ I hope this reading found you in good health, every reblog is appreciated and thank you for everything :) ˖♡ ˎˊ˗ ꒰ 🐇 ꒱

˗ˏˋ༻ʚ♡︎ɞ༺ˎˊ˗             PAID SERVICES

︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 1 ꒱

Your current or next significant connection is going to be a situationship, I wanted to read only relationships but this situationship came through very strongly so I’m just going to interpret this for you. They’re someone who feeds off of social and romantic attention with no intention of committing. They’re someone who’s mean and only cares about themself. They lack self awareness. They’re someone who feels like everyone blames them unfairly, this is funny because they’ll be the one victim blaming and gaslighting you. If you have a narcissistic mother or an unhealthy relationship with your mother, this person is going to be similar to your mother, even if you do not realise it when you’re with them, after things end, you’ll notice similarities. They’re a know-it-all and act like they’re all that but in reality, they are crippling with insecurities. They’ll not be focused on you and they’ll be giving you just enough to keep you in their life (probably just empty promises or a few sweet moments here and there). I hate to say this like this but this frustrates me. This person clearly doesn’t deserve you, they won’t even be able to fulfil your basic needs. ‘Vampire’ by Olivia Rodrigo is how this situation is going to turn out for you. I’m not even sure as to why you’ll be sticking with them, they’ll literally put in no effort and show no passion. They’ll be possessive and territorial over you.

However, they’ll not treat you right because they’ll not find you good enough to commit to. Also, you’ll be letting a lot slide so they’ll continue mistreating you because you keep on allowing it. They’ll be really critical of you and take a lot from you, completely drain you out but won’t give you even the slightest amount of respect. They’ll be bread-crumbing you, giving you just enough attention and appreciation to not lose you completely but will never give you what you deserve and require. You’ll convince yourself that you’re satisfied because of the affection and attachment that you’ll feel towards them. This is so major, they’ll teach you enough common sense, discernment and self respect to never let someone like them into your life again. They’ll be someone really arrogant and a show-off. At some point, you’ll literally feel abused (could be anything emotionally, physically, mentally). They’ll say something and treat you as if you’re an object and not a person at all. They’ll act very selfishly and make everything about themself. You’ll be forced to leave people behind, your social life will be dying and you’ll be going through a really lonely time, they’ll make you feel really shitty. You’ll have forgiven them many times already by then but they’ll still be leaving you in a position where you have to watch everything you say just so you can avoid fights.

You’ll start feeling a lot of guilt towards yourself for putting up with such poor treatment. You’ll start regretting them. They’ll start feeling like a bag of stress to you and you’ll see the opportunity to move on without regrets and you’ll take it. A lot of uncertainty is going to be involved in the situation but you’ll choose your integrity and feelings above that person so you’ll feel like it’s only fair if you get away. Your nervous system and mental state will be all over the place at that time so the fact that you’re choosing yourself is very admirable. You’ll think that it’s just ‘cause and effect’, they treated you like shit so you walked away. They’ll treat you so bad that you’ll feel like you can basically survive anything. After leaving them behind, you’ll feel like you’re already over the worst. You’ll learn a lot of life lessons from the situation. Things will collapse completely but you’ll be left with a chance to build something completely new. The way you’ll remember them is “I survived them”. This connection will be very important as you’ll stop wanting to involved in such situations. Due to how they’ll treat you, you will also be kind of defensive at times (when involved with them) but you’ll always apologise when you feel like you’ve done something wrong and try to make things better but they won’t have it in them to do the same thing. You’ll be very understanding with them and will try to be there for them through hardships but they’ll be nowhere to be found when you need them. You’ll learn and grow from this, take care and all love.

︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 2 ꒱

Your next partner is someone who’s patient, practical and responsible. They’re also someone who really values loyalty. They’re ambitious and persistent. They’re someone who works hard and likely has a strict routine. They’re very reliable but yeah once they get angry, it’s a bit of a show. They’re very stubborn too. They have a lot of responsibilities and stress in their life though. They work very hard and push themself to the limits. They can be over ambitious and burn themself out though. They take a lot onto themself and work under a lot of pressure. They’re also very serious about their goals. They’ll be very intentional in regards to you, they’ll be focused on you, there’s something about you that just inspires them and hypes them up. They’ll be determined to overcome any obstacles when it comes to you, they’ll be willing to work hard for your relationship. They’ll see how desirable you are and they’ll express it to you, they’ll make you feel like the most desirable person on earth. They’ll understand your thirst for knowledge, for experiences and they’ll think that you’re something on a different level. They’ll be interested in figuring out the deepest parts of you, in uncovering your deepest fears and darkest secrets. They’ll be truly tender with you and that’s exactly what you’ll want, someone who is willing to listen to you and take care of you. They’ll be affectionate and will try to be there for you. They’ll write love letters for you and send you romantic messages. They’ll be sensitive to your needs and kinda treat you like a kid. They’ll also act kind of childish and playful around you. They’ll have a very big crush on you.

Also, it will be very difficult for them to contain it. They’re going to admire your beauty and you’ll be able to catch them all flustered. Like the energy will just speak volumes about how they feel towards you. There will be an electric current between the both of you and also a strong psychic connection/ communication. The moment they’ll enter a room, they’ll look around for you. They’ll treat you the way an admirer treats one he or she admires. The dynamic between the both of you will include a lot of stimulation but you won’t be able to give up the craving for more. You’ll feel so passionate and excited regarding each other. You’ll act really youthful and childlike with one another. You’ll be fearless which will lead to you being reckless. You’ll also be really childlike with one another. Before the both of you even date, there’ll be a lot of impatience surrounding the situation for the both of you. You will just want to rush into things and most of you are going to do it. This relationship is going to interrupt with your plans. There’s something about the both of you being a power couple but still very incompatible. The chemistry between the both of you is going to fog your incompatibility though, you’ll still compliment each other regardless of your incompatibility. You’ll make bad decisions in this relationship but through each other, you’ll find different passions. You’ll learn more about yourselves. You’ll be loyal to them but you’re going to act obsessed with them. You’ll also let your mental health get the best of you. You’re going to be quite secretive about a lot regarding yourself and it could prove to be a setback in some way.

You won’t even be able to resist them though and it’ll be the same way with them, but you could end up using their irresistibility towards you against them if you aren’t careful. Frankly, you could end up acting really manipulative towards them. There might be something about them that will trigger you and you’ll hate-love them. You will meet them at a time where you’re processing a lot of anger and resentment or they’ll just make you tick off for some reason. They’ll feel like there’s a lot of trouble between the both of you. The way you’ll be acting will cause them to start thinking negatively because you’ll just shatter their dreams of you. They’ll feel like they have to make a decision concerning you because they will be feeling really dissatisfied and sad. For some of you, you’re going to be able to work it out and have a good long term relationship. For the rest of you, this relationship is going to take you one step closer to your ultimate love by shedding light into parts of you that need healing. You’ll start trying to manage life better after things end, you’ll start getting things that you want too, one at a time. From the relationship, you’ll learn about the importance of not being too aloof, having integrity and some of you will learn that rumours can ruin people’s lives (you’ll probably be involved in rumours if this is the case). You’ll learn that playing stupid games wins you stupid prizes. You’ll also learn that overindulgence is not good. You might also realise that you don’t really have true friends. You’ll learn how to be more mature and loving. You’ll start coming in terms with your sensitivity and kindness. You could end up being too loving though, make sure not to become a people pleaser, alright? Take care !!

︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 3 ꒱

Your next significant partner is someone who is very passionate about, they’re someone who tries to expand their potential. They are someone who truly believes in themself and gives their best. They have a lot of ideas, to the point they find them overwhelming even. They have a lot of potential for really great things. They’re someone who’s had important breakthroughs in life and are into self improvement. They’re taking action and are optimistic right now. Their past is still negatively affecting them though. They’re someone who is pretty secretive too. They’re still stuck in unhealthy cycles. This is very conflicting, they have strong personal values or are developing them but they weren’t the best person the past. They are also very realistic but still so delusional? They feel trapped by a missed opportunity of some sort. They’re still emotionally immature and possibly even depressed. They can be someone very resentful because of their tendency to obsess. They overlook what’s obvious in order to believe the little stories in their head when it comes to love. They’re very realistic regarding everything else though. They’re still very naive and can be very gullible to love bombing, they’ve possibly fallen victim to it before. They’re manipulative and really lonely. They lack proper communication skills. The relationship between the both of you is going to require really big effort of one of your part.

I’m sorry but this person could still not be over their past relationship or something like that. This relationship is not going to be long term. Despite, how qualified you might be for them, they won’t be noticing your greatness. You’re someone who pretends to be happy even if you’re not and that’s exactly what you’ll be doing when you’re with them. It will start off exciting for you but you’ll start feeling like you deserve better as you continue to be with them, somehow, your self esteem will be so low that you will feel like no one else would want you though. You’ll be feeling quite oppressed in that relationship. They will probably downplay the things that you say to them, etc. That relationship will be extremely stressful. You’ll also start feeling quite passive aggressive towards them. I’ve heard something like “women aren’t crazy, they’re driven to it”, you don’t have to be a woman but it could apply to you during and after this relationship. You’ll be too scared of having difficult conversations here. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is just a situationship as well. You’ll feel stagnant and stuck in the situation. They’ll act like things will inevitably come to an end but they won’t be ending it properly. It’ll be obvious that they’re still emotionally attached to their past. They’ll be avoiding ending things but they won’t be treating you right either. They’ll treat you like you’re a burden.

They’ll act like you disappoint them with everything that you do. They’ll treat you as if they are settling for you. You need to be very careful here because they’ll be lacking self awareness and emotional maturity. They’ll just act like things are hopeless and like you’re not all that important. At the beginning though, they’ll be trying to act as if they’re happy. They’ll be angry at you for some reason but it won’t have much if anything at all to do with you. You’ll learn how to pay attention to details because of this connection. You’ll learn how to use your intellect against people to be honest (probably unintentionally). Before entering a relationship with them or getting involved with them, you’re someone who has little to no fear of changes. Someone who knows how to take changes for the best or for the worst, someone who knows how to leave the old things behind. You’re also someone very quick to change perspective though. After your relationship or connection with them, you’ll become someone really successful, generous and strong willed. You’ll become someone who’s more free with expression of anything (including affection) but knows how to be harsh when things come down to it. You’ll gain some sort of an enlightenment. You’ll become someone indecisive though, and someone who prioritises having friends and lovers who treasure you and are on the same level when it comes to character. All the best and take care 🩵.

[connorsblog]

˙✧˖° YOU'LL BE OKAY 📷 ༘ ⋆｡ ˚

a/n: im currently still working on the spencer fic but i need to rewatch the last half of season 12 to refresh my memory! until then enjoy this :) (also ignore how my format will change a bit here and there, im experimenting with it!)

pairing: rosita espinosa x reader + maggie rhee x reader if you squint !!

warnings: dont read if you havent reached 11x24! spoiler warning. but basic twd gore warning, cussing, character death, etc

loosely inspired by lil jeep by lil peep (specifically the "i'm dyin', i dont think that my bitch know" part)

——————————————————————————

me, eugene, gabriel, and rosita finally made it home. it had been one hell of a day — fighting off walkers and the mental strain for rosita of almost losing her kid.

all of us had huddled in the apartment, judith's shoulder in a sling. she'll be fine, though. she's one hell of a damn fighter.

my eyes caught rosita whispering to gabriel about something. he looked crushed — and that didn't occur very often anymore, especially after he hardened over the years.

i decided after a few moments to head over there myself. to my surprise, they didn't stop talking as i made my way over there.

rosita just looked... upset. but light, as well. her face was calm but if you looked deep enough — you'd see her thoughts churning behind her eyes like the rough, dark sea.

"hey," she finally pulled her face away from gabriels ear, his face lightening up but you could see it behind his eyes — something went wrong.

"what's goin' on?" i got straight to the point. i didn't want to twiddle my damn thumbs while something may be happening.

"uh," she pressed her lips together as she began, her demeanor seemed to shake.

she leaned towards me — her scent as intoxicating as it always has been. her soft tone reached my ears, the words slipping my mind until she pulled away.

"you're bit?" i whispered, and my heart seemed to jumpstart itself, pounding annoyingly against my ribcage.

"you'll be okay, you know?" she whispered, her voice cracking so subtly i almost didnt notice it.

"i won't, ro. you know that." this time my voice cracked, tears threatening to spill like the overflowing, hot magma of a volcano — it was hard to hold them back.

she stayed silent this time, moving her hand towards mine. her grey sweater cuff brushed against my skin, tickling me so much i would've laughed if it had been any other day.

i breathed in heavily, my chest expanding so much i thought my heart'd explode any second. it was still pounding unrelentlessly against my ribs, taking my breath away as it did so.

"i love you, ro." i swallowed thickly, pressing her soft hand against my face as my tears threatened to burst once again.

"i love you," she whispered like it was a forbidden phrase, something i'd never not grin about. no matter the day.

like i had predicted — my lips stretched into a small smile, the skin cracking painfully. i didn't wince, though, i had just avoided thinking about any other pain.

after a few minutes of tricking my brain, everything except rosita's presence was a simple background lull, like an old fridge motor, no matter how annoying it got you'd get used to it whether you desired it or not.

the other's chatter had died down slowly, everyone beginning to get tired from the day we all had. judith and daryl looked the most drained, second to connie, magna, and yumiko.

wait, where the hell was luke?

i hadn't known him entirely well, but he made judith laugh. as well as michonne, which had always been difficult to do especially after rick.

rosita's thumb rubbing against my hand snapped my attention back to her, her dark eyes staring at me insistently.

"yeah?" i mumbled, wondering if she had anything else to add to the pile of shit from today.

"nothin' was just wondering where you went," she leaned her chin on my shoulder, her scent filling my nostrils with such strong warmth. i felt safe with her, like always. there was never a moment where i hadn't felt safe around her presence.

"jus' thinking," i wanted to urge her to come closer into my arms, i wanted her beating heart against mine until it couldnt beat any longer. i wanted her against me until i couldn't think of anything else except her.

——————————————————————————

after about an hour of me and rosita just talking, her head seemed to become a bit limp. she was dying, but i didn't want to believe that. my brain worked on a way to convince itself she'll just be gone, but not dead. it worked like cogs in a machine but nothing worked.

me and maggie had decided to get her into the bed, watching her chest rise and fall much easier now that she didn't have to hold her body up.

i sat in a plush chair next to the bed, my legs dangling off the arm as i tried to get comfortable. i couldn't, though, my body failing to feel any comfort unless i was in rositas arms, inhaling her sweet scent.

"love, you okay?" rosita asked as if she wasnt laying down, fighting for each breath she took, her lungs burning every minute.

"yeah, sorry. jus' can't get comfortable." i mumble, embarrassment tickling my cheeks as they turned bright red.

"come here," she offered, her hand outstretched for me to grab. i crawled in bed with her, my body fitting into hers like we were pieces of the same puzzle.

"any better?" she asked, pressing a weak kiss to my head.

"yes," i smiled softly against her shoulder blade, somehow forgetting for a moment. forgetting she could die any minute — any second her ever so loving heart could stop. the blood rushing out her body, stopping all movement and short circuiting the brain. all of our memories saved for me, nobody to share them with.

her sharp inhale made my thoughts snap apart, my eyes immediately averting to her. "you okay?"

"yes, sorry. i just —" she grunts, trying to move her shoulder, "shoulder hurts like a bitch." she half-chuckled as i gazed into her dark eyes.

most of my concern dropped from my face, some still lingering in case she needed help to breathe or move or anything.

my mind seemed to race. what if she died and turned immediately? not giving me a chance to lay with her peaceful body before it decomposes, not giving me a chance to be with her.

rosita noticed my thinking, but didnt stop me until i realized her eyes were burning into the side of my face, making me turn half towards her.

"sorry, can't seem to stop thinking today," i try to smile but all efforts fail, a choked sob seeming to come out instead.

she didnt utter a word, just immediately took me into her arms. her scent engulfed my body, my skin melting to hers as if she was a mold.

i had forgot about coco — my mind making her presence slip my memory — her small, sleeping frame moving ever so slightly in the corner of my eye as rosita kept her arms around my body.

i looked back up at rosita, her face peaceful as she struggled to continue breathing. she didn't panic, not at all. she just stayed calm despite her instincts telling her to try to breathe.

i unwrapped her arms from around me, laying her down against her pillow. i gently lifted coco from her once-peaceful sleeping position, pressing their faces together as rositas eyes drifted closed.

our hearts seemed to stop in sync, my heart jumpstarting itself and pounding against my chest as her body became still.

——————————————————————————

about a year later,

i was out in alexandria gardening with coco. she babbled incoherently, giggling everytime my too big of a hat for my head kept tilting over, threatening to fall down.

i heard dull footsteps coming from behind me, my late instincts to grab my knife evaporated long ago, just being able to turn around without the consistent fear of dying looming over my head.

"hey," i grinned as i saw maggie walk towards me, taking her into my arms, hershel following right behind her like a lost dog.

"how're you?" she asked gently, taking a loose strand of her messed-up hair and tucking it behind her ear.

"i'm good, how are you holdin' up?" i returned the favor, my mind drifting every few seconds.

i had strangely realized — maggie smelled familiar. like home, but home used to be a person. my person, but that person wasn't here. the last physical reminder of her existence was next to me, gardening like her life depended on it.

——————————————————————————

note: i enjoyed writing this so very much ! i miss rosita so dearly

[lemonlilactea]

Uhhh Rook concept, veilguard spoilers ahead but I like angst now I suppose

Again: dragon age veilguard spoilers ahead

They've seen every possibility, they know the dead before they meet the living. Their blood spilled at the site of the Veil being torn somehow allowed them to see everything, know everything, unable to fully change it, only able to make choices more informed than they should be, unable to fully change the end result. (because we love a good tragic hero)

They don't always understand what they know until it's too late to do much beyond making a choice, like seeing a blighted Treviso at the same time as a destroyed Minrathous, side by side mentally, unaware its a choice to be made until it happens.

At some point they begin to lose who they are to all the knowledge they bear, and all the possibilities of who they could be, who they could affect around them. They have to go through a process of grief for things they haven't done, and couldn't ever change, before they even choose them. They see the bodies of people they've just met lingering in their mind, unsure if they can keep Everyone alive, or whether those deaths are inevitable, unchangeable.

They've seen themselves fall in love with all of them, seen every possible direction everyone's journey might take, and seen every single pair of eyes drained of life.

They know Varric isn't real. Know Solas lies, they can read it like a script. That doesn't stop them from talking to him anyway. Avoiding the knowledge just as much as if they didn't know everything. It looks, feels so real, sometimes they can pretend.

Their nightmares are beyond extreme. Blood rituals, eclipses, dragons, demons, and so many dead. The scent of rot even when they wake up. The sound of screams, an almost permanent echo in their ears.

Can't change anything, can't do anything but move forward. Rook, moving in a straight line, always forward, forward, to the end.

[justanotherrpmeme]

Fake Relationship starters

"So, are we really going to pretend to be a couple?"

"It's just for show. We need to convince everyone that we're in love."

"Do you think we can pull this off? I mean, we barely know each other."

"We'll have to practice and create a backstory that seems believable."

"What if we accidentally catch real feelings for each other?"

"This is all part of the charade. Emotions can't get in the way."

"I'm not sure I can handle all the fake kisses and affection."

"Think of it as a performance. We have to make it convincing for others."

"We need to be more convincing, show more affection in public. Make it seem real."

"It's temporary. We'll get through it and then go back to our normal lives."

"What if we have to meet each other's families?"

"We'll have to prepare well-rehearsed stories and act like we've been together for a while."

"I'm worried about getting caught in a lie."

"We just have to be consistent with our stories and avoid slip-ups. We'll be fine."

"I never expected this fake relationship to become so complicated."

"We knew it wouldn't be easy, but we're in this together. We can handle it."

"What if people start asking us personal questions about our relationship?"

"We have to be prepared with evasive answers or quickly change the subject. Keep it vague."

"I'm starting to forget what's real and what's fake."

"Remember, this is just a temporary arrangement."

"This fake relationship is starting to feel strangely real."

"We need to keep reminding ourselves that it's all an act."

"Do you think anyone suspects that our relationship is fake?"

"As long as we play our parts convincingly, no one should question it."

"I never thought pretending to be in love could be so exhausting."

"It's mentally and emotionally draining, but it will be over soon."

[text]: "Hey, don't forget we have that 'couple's dinner' tonight. Let's make sure our acting skills are on point!"

[text]: "Remember, we need to coordinate our stories about how we met. Let's come up with a believable backstory."

[text]: "I just got asked about our future plans together"

[text]: "We should plan a 'date' night to keep up appearances. Dinner and a movie, perhaps?"

[text]: "Any ideas on how we can make them look convincing?"

[text]: "Our friends are getting suspicious."

[text]: "I heard someone asking if we're serious about each other."

[text]: "Let's plan a weekend getaway to make our fake relationship seem more authentic. A romantic destination should do the trick."

[text]: "We have a 'meet the parents' event coming up. We should discuss our roles and make sure we're on the same page."

[text]: "I just got invited to a wedding. Should we attend as a couple? It could be a good opportunity to practice our act."

[text]: "I overheard someone saying they think our relationship is fake. We need to step up our game and prove them wrong."

[text]: "We should have a 'couple's game night' with our friends."

[text]: "We should create a fake anniversary date and celebrate it publicly. It'll make our relationship seem more authentic to others."

[text]: "I have an idea for a fake argument in front of our friends. It'll make us seem more like a real couple with ups and downs."

[yoomiwrites]

Sugar Rush¹⁵

Summary: Reader has been working directly under the Admirals, Kuzan, Kizaru and Akainu for years. Little by little, the dynamic changes and friendship (and more) develops.

Note: And the last chapter for today. Thanks for anyone who is reading this. ♡

The days had begun to blur together, each one passing in a haze of avoidance, self-doubt, and mounting pressure. Ever since that encounter in the storage room with Kizaru, I hadn’t been able to think straight. The realization that I might actually have feelings for him had me tied in knots, and now it was all catching up to me.

I’d been avoiding him. Not just casually dodging him in the halls, but actively making sure our paths never crossed. It was exhausting, mentally and physically. Every time I saw a flash of yellow in the distance or heard his lazy drawl echoing through the HQ, I turned the other way.

And, to my surprise, he didn’t approach me either. No teasing remarks, no sudden appearances, nothing. It was like he had sensed the shift in me and decided to let me be. Maybe that should have been a relief, but it only made things worse. Each day that passed without his usual presence only deepened the growing pit in my stomach.

I tried to focus on my work, to drown out the confusing mess of emotions with paperwork and reports, but nothing seemed to help. My mind kept wandering back to him, replaying every interaction, analyzing every word, every look. I kept asking myself why I couldn’t just talk to him—why something was stopping me from being honest with him, and, more importantly, with myself.

My work had started to slip. I knew it, and so did everyone else. Papers piled up on my desk, deadlines were missed, and my usual efficiency had become a distant memory. It wasn’t long before Akainu’s temper flared. He had chewed me out more than once over the past few days, his deep voice booming through the office as he demanded that I pull myself together. His frustration was understandable, and while he hadn’t been unreasonably harsh, I could feel the tension building. I was letting everything slip through my fingers, and it was only a matter of time before I’d be in real trouble.

I was at a low point, probably the lowest I’d been since starting this job. Sitting at my desk, staring blankly at the half-finished reports, I felt utterly drained. The weight of it all was pressing down on me, suffocating in its intensity.

And then, there was a knock on the door.

I didn’t bother looking up, assuming it was just another pile of paperwork being dumped on me. “Come in,” I mumbled, rubbing my tired eyes.

The door creaked open, and a familiar voice drifted into the room. "You know, you’re not very good at hiding things."

My head snapped up, and there stood Kuzan, leaning casually against the doorframe with a knowing smile on his face. His presence in the office was unusual—he rarely bothered with formalities—but the relaxed way he carried himself was still the same. He looked at me with a gaze that was softer than his usual cool demeanor.

“K-Kuzan?” I stammered, sitting up straighter in my chair, not sure what to expect.

He walked in, hands in his pockets, his usual laid-back attitude never wavering as he made his way toward my desk. “I heard you’ve been having a rough week,” he said nonchalantly, as though commenting on the weather.

I grimaced, feeling the weight of his words. "Something like that," I muttered, not really in the mood to explain myself.

Kuzan chuckled, pulling up a chair and sitting down across from me. “You’ve been avoiding him,” he said plainly, his eyes fixed on me, leaving no room for doubt about who he meant.

I froze, my heart skipping a beat. He knew. Of course, he knew.

“I—” I started, but the words caught in my throat. What could I even say?

Kuzan leaned forward slightly, his gaze soft but serious. “You don’t have to hide it, you know,” he said gently. “No one’s expecting you to be perfect all the time. And from what I can see, whatever this is, it’s eating you up. You can’t keep working like this.”

I lowered my eyes, unable to meet his. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I tried to lie, but even to my own ears, it sounded pathetic.

Kuzan just sighed, leaning back in his chair, as if my response didn’t surprise him. “Look, I don’t know what’s going on in your head, and I don’t know how Borsalino feels about all this, but…” He paused, as if carefully choosing his words. “You’re not doing yourself any favors by pretending nothing’s wrong.”

I bit my lip, feeling the familiar tightness in my chest. He was right, of course. I was falling apart, and the more I tried to avoid the truth, the worse it was getting.

Kuzan’s voice softened even further, something I hadn’t expected. “If you have feelings for him, you need to deal with that. Keeping it bottled up is only going to make everything worse.”

I stared at my hands, my mind racing. “But what if…” I trailed off, my voice barely above a whisper. “What if he doesn’t feel the same? What if I’m just making things up in my head?”

Kuzan gave a slow, thoughtful nod. “That’s a possibility. I’m not going to lie to you. I don’t know how Borsalino feels about any of this, and there’s always a chance that things won’t work out the way you want them to.”

His words made my heart sink, but he continued before I could fully dwell on the fear.

“But,” he added, “isn’t it better to know? To get it out there and move on, one way or another? Otherwise, you’re just stuck. And from the looks of it, you’re on the fast track to losing your job if you keep going like this.”

I winced at the truth in his statement. My work had become a disaster, and I knew I was teetering on the edge. Akainu had already reprimanded me several times, and if things didn’t improve soon…

Kuzan stood up, stretching lazily before turning toward the door. “You’re stronger than you think, you know. But even strong people need to face their feelings sometimes.”

He paused at the doorway, glancing back at me with a small, knowing smile. “Just talk to him. Whatever happens, you’ll be better off for it.”

And with that, he was gone, leaving me alone in the silence of my office.

I sat there for a long time, his words echoing in my mind. I had spent so much time running, avoiding the truth, but maybe Kuzan was right. Maybe it was time to face it head-on. To finally deal with the feelings I had been trying so hard to ignore.

[the-shipper-center]

My vent as a former anti. Now, being a proshipper from 2 years

I can still remember the first time I stumbled into fandom spaces—it was around 2018, and, back then, it felt like a completely different world. I spent all my time on Amino communities, pouring my heart and soul into my posts about my unnecessary overly complicated gacha OCs. I’d obsess over any gay ship I came across because, let’s be honest, it was a lifeline. It felt freeing, validating even, to just fangirl and enjoy the ships that made me happy, no matter how niche or strange they seemed to others. I thought I had found my space, my people.

For years, I avoided TikTok like the plague. Until curiosity got the best of me in December 2021. That’s when I finally gave in and downloaded TikTok, thinking maybe I was just being close-minded. I wish I could say it opened my eyes in a positive way, but honestly, it was more like a punch to the gut. Everything I had loved, every ship I had adored, was suddenly labeled as problematic or "gross." And if you dared to enjoy them publicly? Forget it. You’d be torn apart, dragged for things you didn’t even realize people found offensive.

I was harassed constantly, called names, made to feel like I was disgusting for simply liking the things that had brought me so much joy before. At first, I tried to defend myself, to argue that shipping was just that—fiction. But it felt like everyone was screaming at me, telling me I was wrong. I started questioning myself. Maybe I was the problem? Maybe all the things I had loved really were as bad as they said? It got to the point where I was so mentally exhausted from the constant attacks that I gave in. I stopped enjoying those ships. I became an anti, turned my back on everything I used to like, because it was easier to just follow the crowd than to keep fighting. For two long years, I lived like that—policing myself, hating on the things I once loved, just to avoid more harassment.

The amount of hate I got was insane. It was like the second I stepped out of line from what the fandom deemed acceptable, they came at me full force. I can’t even count the number of times people told me to kill myself or threw disgusting jokes my way. The rape jokes were constant, like they thought making fun of something so vile was the way to make me feel ashamed of what I liked. No one should have to deal with that. I’d get these long paragraphs telling me how I was “a disgusting freak,” how I was the reason fandom spaces were “toxic,” all because I shipped something that didn’t fit their moral purity.

But the thing is, living like that takes a toll. It's draining to constantly censor yourself, to constantly fight against your own interests because someone else told you they were wrong. By mid-2023, I was exhausted. I’d stopped even enjoying fandom. I wasn’t posting, wasn’t engaging. I was just… there. And then, almost as a joke, I found myself wandering into a proshipper server. I thought, “Why not? I’ll just see what they’re all about. It doesn’t mean anything.” But the more time I spent there, the more I started to question why I’d let other people make me feel so ashamed of what I liked. I mean, seriously—how had it come to this? Being scared to talk about fictional characters and pairings????

Before I knew it, I started to find peace in that space, like I was finally breathing again. It wasn’t immediate, but little by little, I started to let go of the guilt I had carried for so long. And, yeah, I eventually became a proshipper myself. But it wasn’t some huge revelation or sudden change. It was more like finally reclaiming something I had been forced to give up. And now, looking back on those years I spent hating myself for liking what I liked? It makes me angry. Angry at the fandom, angry at the people who made me feel like I had to pick a side, like I had to tear myself apart to fit into their mold of what was "acceptable."

I made friends. Real friends. People who weren’t there to tear me down, but to support me and share in the things that made us happy. For the first time in what felt like forever, I had people I could talk to without constantly looking over my shoulder, wondering if I was going to get attacked for every little thing. These friends didn’t care if my ships were "problematic." They just wanted to enjoy fandom without the toxicity, without the constant fear of being canceled or harassed. And that was something I hadn’t realized how badly I needed.

I wasted years of my life trying to be something I’m not, all because of this toxic, moralizing part of fandom that I never wanted to be a part of in the first place. And the worst part? It wasn’t even about them; it was about me. They didn’t care. They didn’t know me. But I let them control how I felt, and that’s something I still struggle with. Even now, there’s this lingering doubt in the back of my mind, like, “What if they’re right? What if I’m the problem?” But deep down, I know that I’ve found my space again, and that’s all that really matters.

It’s just hard to accept that you let yourself be molded by people who didn’t care about you in the first place. That kind of pressure leaves scars, and I’m still working on healing.

[bunni-v1]

First Years Finding Out Your A Girl?!?! (NOT CLICKBAIT!!!)

TW: Mild swearing, STRICTLY Female Reader, Discussion of Jack having a good sniffer (lol)

Info: Headcannons; Ace, Deuce, Jack, and Epel x Reader (platonic); Mostly for fun

🍓Hi. I'm back... sorta. I didn't have much time to write over the summer, and I honestly don't know how much I can write during school cause my schedule is... yikes. But I picked up something I wrote a while ago, edited it, and decided to post it. I'll be answering whatever's in my ask box right now, and then maybe work on some other stuff.

Ortho & Sebek

Second Years

Third Years

Dorm Leaders

-Okay so, I know we’re all wondering, how the hell do you get away with hiding your gender for so damn long?

-Firstly, those ceremonial robes do great at hiding the figure. The only tell would maybe be your hair, but feminine men aren’t unwelcome at Nightraven College, so you mostly get a few questioning stares and that’s it.

-Secondly, Crowley wants to save his own fucking ass. He already has to hide from the press that he has a MAGICLESS student from ANOTHER DIMENSION here, he doesn’t need the fact that you are a woman ALSO on his plate. So, obviously, he helps you hide your gender from others.

-Grim knows, of course, and he keeps his mouth shut for a few yummy cans of tuna (and threats of being expelled from Crowley <3)

-Even when you were just a janitor, he couldn’t have the rumor that he put a “helpless” young woman to work. (Like it wouldn’t be expected.)

-So how do you two do it?

-Baggy ass uniform. Crowley gave you at least three sizes too big.

-Your figure is completely hidden. Sure, you look completely homeless, but at least you’re hidden.

-For your voice, you simply deepen it. After some point, you blackmail Crowley into giving you a potion to help with it, since it's so taxing on your voice. (Or maybe your voice is naturally deep!)

-Sam provides you (for an unfairly pretty penny (not too different from your original world…)) any feminine hygiene products you might need.

-Honestly, you’re set for being cared for, but it’s the adjustment period that’s the hardest part. 

-Truly, it’s very jarring to suddenly be thrown into both a magical world and be isolated in a man's world with nowhere to hide.

-At least in your world you had other women who could understand your struggles. Here though? You’re completely alone.

-You notice how… messy some of these guys could be. How some of them smell… really rancid. -How rough they were with you and each other.

-Honestly, it’s kinda eye-opening. The way men show affection to each other is oddly refreshing to watch and experience!

-Ace and Deuce specifically are a good… trial run.

-That’s not what we’re here to talk about though…

-For the most part, it's incredibly easy to hide yourself for the first while on campus. Everyone on campus is so self-absorbed that they don’t bother questioning you.

-Your only real risk factor is Savannaclaw, but it's easy to avoid those guys (minus Jack, of course, but we’ll get to him).

-However, you can only hide your gender for so long… It’s mentally draining to keep up this facade all the time around people you care about.

-So… how do they find out?

FIRST-YEAR SQUAD

Ace

-He’s one of the first ones who find it out, and it’s in the very cliche anime way.

-After some point of knowing you, Ace is so comfortable that he just invites himself into ramshackle. 

-It’s never been an issue or anything. You’re thick as thieves now, you’ve survived death together a handful of times. If you ask Ace, that’s about as close as you can get with someone.

-Normally, you and Grim are just sitting around in the living area, but this time you aren’t. However, he does hear voices coming from your room. His curiosity is peaked.

-So, slippery guy that he is, he sneaks up to your room and his curiosity only grows when he hears a woman’s voice. Prefect getting lucky? And he didn’t tell him? Ace thought you guys were friends.

-He creeps up to your room, slides open your door, and!!! Holy shit it’s you. It’s you in a towel. It’s you and you’ve got tits?!?! 

-His first reaction is to… well… scream.

-“You’re a girl?!?”

“Why are you in my room???”

“You’ve got- boobs!”

 “Get out Ace!”

-Bro sits very politely and very quietly on your couch after that. Deep behind his blank stare, he is seething. You were a girl this whole time, and you didn’t tell him! He thought you guys were friends!

-He definitely fights you about it once you’re down and dressed. He’s just salty, he’ll get over it. 

-Swears up and down he won’t tell anyone.

-Immediately tells Deuce.

-That's it though! Deuce is part of the main quartet, he deserves to know! (You scold him for this too, but you figured it would happen one way or another).

-From him finding out, he doesn’t really treat you differently. You’re still a person, why should he act differently cause you’ve got different body parts than him.

-Though, and he won’t admit this, he’s a bit more… watchful of the others around you. Yeah, you can hold your own and he respects you… but guys like Azul exist, and he’s seen firsthand the torture Azul is capable of. 

Deuce

-As stated before, Ace outs you to Deuce almost immediately after finding out.

-Deuce, in all his awkward glory, completely shuts down. Disconnects from this plane of existence. He cannot believe the news he was just told.

-You, one of his best friends in all of twisted wonderland. You, the person who survived multiple overblots alongside him. You, who have seen him at his most vulnerable… are a girl.

-It isn’t even the fact that you’re a girl, it’s the fact that you kept this a secret from him for so long. You guys are… bros… how could you possibly hide something so important from him. Did you not trust him?

-Yeah… he overthinks things quite a bit.

-He also ambushes you the very next day with a million questions (very loudly (very in public)), to which you calm him down and reassure him that “No, Deuce, I don’t suddenly hate you. I wasn’t hiding it from you maliciously. I was going to tell you at some point, I just hadn’t had a good time to.”

-Deuce’s behavior definitely… changes… in some ways. 

-Deep down he knows you’re a kick-ass bitch and you don’t need to be cared for, but he can’t help but want to. 

-It’s definitely his mommy issues in play here.

-He just becomes more… protective and aware around you. Not in a creepy obsessive way, just in the same way a guard dog would. 

-Like Ace, he’s more than aware of what the people on this campus are capable of, and you’re completely magicless on top of being more feminine. Some guys at NRC would hop on an opportunity like that like nothing.

-He just doesn’t want to see his friends getting hurt okay :(

-It’s like you gained an overprotective older brother who also sometimes barks!

Jack

-Out of everyone, Jack was the first to find out.

-I don’t wanna be the cliche writer but… he’s got a sniffer on him. 

-He definitely could smell that something was up, but he didn’t want to assume! 

-You could be trans, you could be genderfluid, you could be anything other than a woman! It’s not his place to judge, and smell isn’t always the end all be all. You could just really smell feminine and that's how guys come in your world.

-Mr. Respectful would never want to assume anything… but he’s a little curious he won’t lie.

-Jack REALLY found out shortly after Ace, Deuce and Grim got their asses in trouble with Azul. 

-He’d never been given a reason to spend any more than a few minutes around you at a time. However, since he got pulled into this mess, he’s spent a lot more time with you.

-It happened when he was forced to hide under the desk in his office.

-You were so close and you just… smelled like a girl.

-He is so polite and so upstanding, he would NEVER ask you directly. But the suspense of not knowing really does take a number on him.

-By the end of Azul’s overblotting he is so awkward and nervous around you, that you absolutely have to say something.

-At this point, you figured most of the beastmen had an idea of you being feminine, however, you had no real confirmation of that. 

-Jack is such a “let's not bother other people” kind of guy, that you knew he wouldn’t want to say anything to you if you knew… so you decided to take the plunge.

-At the museum, you pull him aside and you have to ask.

_”Jack?”

“Hm?”

“You know, don’t you?”

“…”

“I figured as much. Don’t tell anyone, m’kay? I want to tell my friends on my terms.”

-It makes Jack respect you more than he already did. Not only did you have the confidence to confront him, but you did it calmly and you were understanding of his position.

-And honestly? Not much changes between the two of you.

-He just respects you a little more. He’s not particularly protective around most other students, he talks to you the same, and he doesn’t act like you’re special. You’re just… a friend. 

-The only thing that he may be different about is other beastmen. He does his best to shield you from them if he feels they might be a threat to your well-being. 

Epel

-Epel, being a more feminine-looking man himself… doesn’t think much of you.

-At this point, you’re well acclimated to things at nightraven college, and are very good at being “one of the boys.”

-His ONLY implication is how… differently Rook and Kalim treat you.

-At this point, Kalim has found out via the previous chapter, and Rook knows because of course he does. (We won’t be getting into that today though)

-They both are more… delicate with you? Rook whips out the charm times ten when you’re around. Kalim, although friendly with everyone, seems to be even MORE friendly when you’re around. Like he wants you to like him.

-Even Deuce and Ace have a few… odd tells.

-They both pointedly ensure Jamil is at least five feet away from you at all times. Glare at Rook when he’s a little too charming.

-Other than that, nothing really gives it away.

-Epel is completely and totally in the dark because you’re really good at hiding that you’re a woman.

-He does, however, eventually find out because… Deuce slips up. He’s there giving his big speech on the beach, hyping Epel up, and somehow he manages, “And the prefect is a woman, but she never lets that get in her way!”

-Epel: Shocked, confused, in awe… says nothing. He lets the information ruminate.

-He lets it ruminate for a very long time.

-So long, in fact, that he doesn’t raise his suspicions until the two of you are on a broom heading off to save Vil’s life.

-The silence was killing him, so he had to ask.

-“Prefect, are you a girl?”

“You didn’t know?”

“I couldn’t be sure, I look like a girl too, so you never know.”

“Yes, Epel, I’m a girl.”

“…Cool.”

-Honestly, he’s kind of jealous of you. You passed better than him, and you had to try harder.

-It doesn’t change how he treats you, honestly. He’s not that kind of country bumpkin, but he won’t lie and say he doesn’t have a little resentment held against you.

-He thinks you’re cool as hell, and you help redefine what femininity can look like to him much better than what Vil does.

-He, however, does actively become more protective of you. 

-Not because he thinks you can’t fend for yourself, but because he kinda wants to show off a little.

[cmncisspnandmore]

Silent Moments

Silent Moments

Spencer x Reader

Warnings: Kidnapping, torture, blood, gore, past character death. Mention of dead mom. Suicide. 

Request:

Hello, I was wondering if I could make a request? Maybe it’s a Spencer x Reader and the reader is blind/deaf/mute (you pick which one) and the UnSub gets a hold of them and gets angry as they don’t understand why reader can’t answer their questions?

Authors note: This is not cannon, and doesn't follow the cannon timeline. Hotch isn't gone, and Morgan never left (Solely because i am stalling hardcore on finishing criminal minds and haven't really gotten too far into the seasons without Hotch and Morgan being gone.)

~~~~~

Most people believe that selective mute people are faking it. That we are purposely trying to avoid talking to others. That's not the case, at one point we were normal people. Having conversations, making jokes. Living life without taking our words for advantage. Then something happens, this horrid ugly anxiety rears its head, trapping the words inside. For you, it happened when you were 15, and you found your mother in the bathtub, dead as a doornail. The only indication that anything was wrong was the note taped to the bathroom mirror apologizing for the mess. From that day on, it was like your words were stuck in a box, locked in the bottom of your chest. 

You managed to finish highschool at home, through online classes, and copious amounts of anti anxiety meds. But for some reason those pesky words never came back. Every once in a while you would find a sound, but never anything intelligible. You got into college, studying criminal psychology. Communicating through writing on papers, and some signed english. Everyone was always trying to get you to talk, often getting frustrated when you didn't. It wasn't that you didn't want to talk, it was that you couldn't. If they thought they were frustrated, they should try living in your head. It had been almost 6 years since you said anything. You missed your own voice, therapy felt useless at this point. Medications were the only thing keeping you from going insane during the day. 

Then you met Dr. Spencer Reid in your serial killer lecture. He didn't try to get you to talk, he didn't treat you like you were dumb or that it was fake. He saw you for you. He took time to meet with you and answer the questions you had about his lectures. He would carve out hours of his own time when he was home to just get to know you. He would talk to you about anything and everything when the two of you worked through the entire lesson of the day. 

Spencer never once took your mutism as a burden. Eventually the semester came to an end, You was no longer his student, he no longer your professor. So when you stopped into his office almost a year ago, staring at him across his desk. Spencer just smiled, and asked if everything was alright, if i had needed anything. He was stunned when you managed to whisper that you wanted to have coffee with him, your body shaking with anxiety. It had taken you hours of practice and countless days of sending yourself into a sheer panic, to manage to get out those simple words that so many others wouldn't think twice about. 

So when you finally looked up at Spencer, and seeing tears openly falling from his eyes, you were shocked. It was in that moment that you knew, your words would be safe with him. After a moment Spencer had walked around his desk, tear stained cheeks and all. To hug you tight as you broke down from the mental and emotional exhaustion those words had caused.

From that day on, you two  became inseparable. Over the years you’ve been together,  you have managed to open up the box that your words were kept in around him. You could have actual conversations at times. It was still hard and draining, but you could manage, a few words here and there when out  in public around his team. 

When you had first met them they were nothing but understanding. They never pushed you and often times, would just text you throughout the day when they were on cases to make sure you’re doing okay. They had become your family. They cared for you in ways your own family couldn't after your mothers death. 

When someone knocked on the apartment door, you opened it without hesitation, seeing a man in a suit standing there. His hair slicked back, a gun in a holster by his hip. He looked like he could work with Spencer and the team so you didn't think much of it when you saw him through the peephole moments before.

“Are you Y/N?” He asked, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a FBI badge flashing it at you. You nodded, worry clouding your mind as the man nodded. 

“Im here to bring you to the hospital, something has happened to Spencer Reid. I was told to collect you immediately.” He reaches his hand out taking you by arm, you nod silently as your apartment door slams shut as he guides you down the hall. 

Your mind is foggy as he helps you into a black SUV and starts to drive. After a few moments you begin to realize youre going the opposite way of the hospital. Your mind is screaming at you that something is wrong, but your words are locked up tight. The crippling anxiety starts to seep into your every muscle. 

“You stupid bitch, you're gonna pay for what your precious boyfriend did to my brother.” the man driving pulls the gun out of the holster and presses it against your side as he drives. 

“At least you're not a screamer.” He smiles as tears flood your vision, and he presses the gun harder against your side. 

~~~~

Spencers POV

Walking through the bullpen Spencers gut is telling him something isn't right. You normally would have picked up the phone when he called even if you weren't able to say anything. But his last 4 calls have gone unanswered. His facetimes as well. The door to Hotchner's office is open, and Spencer walks through the doorway, urgency in his steps.

“Reid?”  Hotch sets the stack of papers down on his desk, his brow furrowing.

“Something is wrong, i don't know what but Y/N isn't picking up.” Spencers rushes out, pacing in front of his desk.

“Care to explain?” 

“She always picks up, or at least sends me a text saying that she cant talk right now. Not in the selective mute sense, but as in shes doing something and unable to pick up the phone you know. But i called her like 5 times and facetimed her with the stupid phone she made me get, and nothing. Its been radio silence on the other end. Im really starting to worry.” Spencer raked a hand through his unruly hair. 

With a nod Hotch stood from his desk, “okay, we’ll figure it out.”

As hotch picked up his phone to dial the rest of the team, Penelope ran into the office, her face horror struck. “I-I just got live video feed…. Someone hacked into my network. Oh god, its bad. So bad… I don't know how they got in. Im gonna have to fix that.” Garcia gushed, her eyes wide.

“Garcia whats wrong? Whats on the live feed?” Hotch urged, placing a hand on her arm trying to bring her back to the whole reason she came into the room. Garcia's eyes flickered to Hotch before she scurried over to his computer her manicured nails tapping furiously on the keys.

“It’s being bounced between a whole bunch of servers so im having a hard time tracing it, but its better if you just see.” She replies as she turns the monitor to face Spencer and Hotchner.

On the screen through a grainy camera feed sat you, tied to a chair, ropes on your wrists and ankles. Your head was down, your hair obscuring part of your face, but spencer would recognize you anywhere. No matter how bad the camera quality was. He spent hours memorizing every part of your face, and body. He knew your mannerisms better than his own. He didn't even need his eidetic memory to know it was you. Your face jerks up suddenly, the videos lack of sound made spencer wonder what you heard on the other end.  Your left eye was swollen shut, and your lip was split and bleeding. Your hair was stained red around your temple. You were shaking your head, and suddenly sound crackled through the speakers on Hotchner's computer. 

“Are you going talk to me? Tell me why they think my brother murdered those women?!” A male voice seethed, his masked form appearing in front of you as he stepped out from behind the camera. There was nothing to identify him by, he was wearing all black, a ski mask, his voice was distorted. Spencers mind was racing through all the cases they worked, but there were so many unknown factors. How long ago had the case been worked? How many women? Where was the case? How many siblings were there? Just one pair of brothers? 

There were hundreds of people who could be holding you captive. They worked so many cases a year, without more context it was hard to narrow it down. But whoever this person was they believed that their brother didn't commit the crimes he was convicted of and he was gonna use you to get to the team.

“S-she cant answer him, he doesn't realize she cant tell him anything.” Garcia whispered as the man yelled at you once again. Causing you to flinch as he struck out with his hand, sticking across your cheek.

“TELL ME!” He screamed, the speakers on the computer distorting with the volume of his voice. 

Once again, the demand went unanswered. “Fine, if you're not gonna tell me, then maybe i’ll give them some incentive to look a little deeper at the case, my brother was executed for a crime he didn't commit. Wanna know why? Because im the one who killed those women. I want his name cleared. You have 12 hours, before i gut her like  fish. Tick Tock Dr. your time is running out.”

The screen went black as video cut out, a flashing timer appearing where your picture once was, counting down the time the team had left. 

Spencers heart dropped, and everything felt cold. How were they going to sift through hundreds of cases before time ran out.

~~~~

Your POV

Your head hurt, you could taste blood, and you’re pretty sure you won't be able to see out of you eye for a month. The man who took you was pacing back and forth behind the camera on the tripod he had set up. He was muttering to himself, talking about how there was no way they would be able to save you.

“You know, your life would be a lot easier if you just talked to me. Told me why, But no you choose to keep your mouth shut. And you know what? You’re gonna die because of it. I hope you trying to protect your precious boyfriend is worth your life.” He smiled, grabbing you by your hair, yanking your head backwards. You could see the camera lens, but you knew that it was off, the red light that was on when he was talking to who you assumed was the team was off.

A small whimper left you as he brushed a gloved hand down your cheek. You wanted nothing more than to scream and tell him that you knew nothing. That spencer and the others didn't tell you that sort of information, they didn't want to risk upsetting you. He didn't seem to care or grasp the concept that you couldnt talk to him. 

“Now im gonna go and drop off a little hint for them, make the game more exciting you sit here like a good girl okay?” He patted your cheek before walking away to the computer he was using to live stream to the team. He turned the monitor towards you, starting the stream again. 

“I’ll be watching you, so don't try anything while im gone.” 

The door slammed shut after a moment. Your head was still aching as you blinked at the screen. You didn't know what was going to happen, and the hopeless feeling got worse as you watched the timer tick down.

~~~~~ Spencers POV 

 The whole team was gathered around the round table. Morgan was sifting through piles of work, handing the cases that contained male unsub to spencer who was reading them just as fast as they were handed to him. Garcia had set up her computers on the round table, trying to desperately back trace the connection of the live feed. 

“Garcia you getting anywhere” JJ asks after a few moments, watching the techs fingers get faster over the keys.

“Actually yes, I was able to back hack him and get into the stream but i still cant get where its coming from.” She muttered as she glanced up at Spencer.

“Wait, you’re in the computer hes streaming from?” Spencers hand hovered over the page he was reading a moment before. 

“Yes why?” Garcias full attention was now on the genius.

“Can you get a message to Y/N, she might be able to give us a hint on where she is.” Spencer rounded the table, his stomach clenching at the sight of you. You were staring directly at the camera. Your eyes vacant, much like when your xanax kicked in after particularly bad panic attack. 

“I think so but he wouldn't leave this up of he wasn't watching it as well.” Garcias fingers were moving over the keys again. Overtaking the computer remotely.

“Thats fine, just tell her that we can see her, and that were looking for her.” Spencer glanced down at the screen again.

“Okay. i’ll try.” Garcia muttered under her breath, as she brought up a text screen  on the computer. Quickly typing out a message, and waiting for you to notice it. The whole team was now watching the camera. Waiting to see if you would respond, after a moment your eyes scanned the text. With wide eyes you looked directly at the camera, more tears flooded down your cheek. 

A knock on the door caught everyone's attention, a delivery boy stood in the doorway a visitors pass stuck to his jacket. “Um i was told to deliver this to a Spencer reid…” in his outstretched was a blue box with a white ribbon. 

“Who gave this to you?” Spencer asks, pulling the box from the boys arms, ripping open the ribbon and tearing back the flaps of the box. Inside lay 2 identical pins, each a snake with red eyes, and black stripes. 

“Um just some guy, i didn't really see him, he was in a dark suv, you know government looking vehicles. It didn't have any plates or anything, all he said was make sure this got to spencer reid in the BAU.” The boy looked between them all. 

“Thank you,” Hotch said as he took the boy by the arm, “Agent Morgan, is gonna ask you a few questions.”

With a nod at Spencer, Morgan followed Hotch out of the room. “What significance is a pin?” Emily wondered out loud. 

“Ive never seen anything like this before.” JJ murmured, peering over spencers shoulder. 

“Its gotta mean something. It was intended for me, so it must be for me to figure out.” Spencer glanced down into the box again. What kind of message was the Unsub trying to send. 

“Um shes trying to tell us something!!” Garcia's voice broke the silence that settled over the room as spencer wracked his brain for what the pins could mean.

“I -I cant tell what shes trying to sign, im not very good at it. We usually communicate on paper.” Garcia moved aside, as spencer moved around the table.

Your fingers were moving rapidly, fingerspelling something out, but without your full range of motion, it was hard to tell what letters you were spelling out. “Can you isolate her hand movements?” Spencer wondered.

“Yeah, yeah give me a second.”  Garcia’s fingers worked overtime to isolate your hand movements. 

“S-c-a-r e-y-e b-l-i-n-d… Scar, eye, blind. He has a scar through one eye, hes blind in one eye!” Spencer announces. The whole team pausing for a moment to think back on the cases. 

“Wait wait, you said that there was 2 identical pins in the box? What if hes telling us hes an identical twin.” Emily wonders, walking back over to the pile of cases spencer had been going through.

“The Ashby case! Twin brothers, one has a scar, yes! The Ashby twins, in knoxville tennessee. Jordan was thought to have murdered 3 women on his parents farm. He had an identical twin brother Joesph, but we ruled Joesph out because we didn't think he would be able to commit the crimes with having surgery on his eye after a car accident left him blind in his left eye.” Spencer remembers, the hospital records showed that Joseph had declined his home visit nurses around when Jordan was murdering the women.

“What if Joseph had his brother pose as him, all he had to do was have him put gauze over his eye and refuse the let the home nurses check it. No one would figure it out that it was actually Jordan. Jordan must’ve just been an accomplice, he never actually murdered those women. He still would’ve gone to jail, but he wouldn’t have face the death penality. “ Emily opens up the file, laying it out on the table, the crime scene pictures laid out. Spencers eyes race over the pictures, until something in the top corner of one of the pictures of the living room catches his eye. In a glass hutch is a set of identical snake pins.  Just like the ones in the box. 

“The pins! They were in the house.” Spencer exclaims, pointing to the hutch, so everyone can see it. 

“Okay so now we know who has her, but how do we find her?” Emily looks over at Garcia who is waiting with fingers poised over her computer keys.

“Garcia check and see if Joseph has used a card anywhere in our area within the last week, i want to know when and where he got here.” JJ says, going to stand behind the tech, watching as her finger fly over the keys. 

The timer appears over the small window Garcia has open, the count down now saying they have less than an hour to find you. Static crackles through the speakers and Josephs voices pours in. 

“Oh no, you didn't play by the rules. I said not to do anything, i saw you though, telling them things through the camera. Now since you broke my rules, im giving you one hour to find her, before i make this dumb mute scream.” 

~~~

Your POV

Blood rushing in your ears makes everything sound muffled, as your captor pulls a hunting knife out of his pocket. “You know, I said I’d give them an hour to find you, but I think we can have some fun beforehand, right?” His grimy hand slides across your cheek down your lip. 

“I’m gonna have so much fun.” He smiles, trailing the knife up your chest, cutting the fabric of your shirt. He trails the knife down the top drawing a thin line of blood as he increases the pressure, cutting into the skin by your collarbones. 

Hot pain sears through you, and bile rises in your throat as he gets closer. Your head is pounding, as he continues dragging the blade across your skin. Almost like he’s painting a sick and twisted picture with his knife. Tears have soaked the front of your shirt, stinging the wounds that decorated your chest. 

“C’mon it’s no fun if you don’t scream!” He seethes, just as he raises his knife and slams it into your thigh, right down to the plastic handle. It takes everything in you not to scream. To resist, to not give him the satisfaction of knowing how much it hurt. It’s hard to breathe as the pain lingers, gripping you with icy hands. He rips the blade out of your leg, and blood starts to pour out of the wound. Soaking through your jeans and dripping onto the floor. You vision goes fuzzy around the edges after a few moments, only to be brought right back as he proceeds to do it again. Higher up this time, closer to your femoral artery. A cold sweat breaks out over your body, the room tilts slightly, and your head falls forward, black spots dancing across your vision. 

Out of the corner of your eye you catch a small movement, a glimpse of dark blue against the nearly black shadows of the warehouse. After a moment you see it again, as your captor picks up the knife again, holding it in his hands, staring at you for a moment before moving towards you again. 

“FBI DROP YOUR WEAPON!” Morgan’s loud voice echoes across the building. He emerges from behind a pallet, followed by the rest of the team, sans JJ who appears seemingly out of nowhere, with her gun aimed at his head. 

“It’s over Joseph,” Spencer’s voice causes your head to groggily turn towards him. A small whine-like sound escapes, startling Joseph and he drops the knife. As it hits the ground JJ reaches forward grabbing his arms and dragging him to the ground Morgan rushing over to help restrain him.

“Spencer…. Help me.” Your chest heaves as you watch him slide to his knees in front of you. His long fingers press against your jeans staunching the flow of blood from the wounds. 

“I got you, you’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna be fine.” He tells you, resting his forehead against yours as tears flow freely down his cheeks. You can faintly hear Emily calling for an ambulance, as the world fades away.

~~~

2 months later

“Y/n! Oh look at you! Those shoes are ADORABLE!!!” Garcia's cheery voice startles you slightly as Spencer reaches down helping you out of the car. You were attending a party at Rossi’s, the first one after you were released from the hospital after the incident. 

Glancing down you take in the low heeled strappy shoes you were wearing. They were the only somewhat fancy shoes you could walk in, you were still going to physical therapy 3 times a week to strengthen your leg. Joseph’s knife had done some serious damage to the nerves and muscles. The emerald green dress you were wearing fell to just below your knees, hiding the compression brace on your thigh. 

“Thank you,” You smiled, and Garcia stopped, tears springing to her eyes. 

“You know the shoes are great, but hearing your voice just made my entire week. I thought you were never going to talk to us again.” She cried, grabbing you and pulling you close. You had spent almost a full month non verbal, not even talking to Spencer. But after spending a few weeks in a psychiatric care facility you had made amazing progress. You still had your bad moments, but you had been practicing with Spencer all the time, talking to him, working on not letting the overwhelming panic take over. 

“You’re doing amazing sweetheart,” Spencer wrapped his arms around your waist after Penelope let go. You both made your way into Rossi’s house, it was decked out in string lights and soft white and gold decor. 

After a few minutes of saying hello, and people getting over the fact that you were walking, and talking again. You leaned over towards Morgan, raising your champagne flute to your mouth, “what are we celebrating?” 

Morgan glanced down at you, a playful smile on his face. “You’ll see,” he said with a suspicious twinkle in his brown eyes. The music changed to a soft slow song and Spencer appeared next to you, his hand on your elbow. 

“Care to dance?” He smiled.

With a nod you allowed him to take your champagne flute, and set it on the bar top. Pulling you onto the dance floor in the middle of Rossi’s, Spencer rested his hands on your hips, swaying softly. The song came to an end, and the next one started.

JJ came over, “Can we take a picture?” She asked, holding up a camera. You leaned into her side and smiled wide. 

“Great thanks!” She gushed, taking a few steps back towards Will. You turned around and were momentarily confused. Spencer was just behind you. Then a small movement in your peripheral made you look down. You hands immediately covering your face, Spencer was down on one knee. A beautiful 3 carat round diamond ring with two smaller marquise cut diamonds on the side sat in a red velvet box. 

“Y/n, we have been through hell and back, especially this past year: but there is no one I would’ve wanted to go through it with other than you. You have shown me a new perspective on life. You taught me to appreciate the little things, and not take things f

or granted. I know I’m not the one who usually struggles to put things into words. But I don’t think any words could ever describe how much I love you. So would you do me the honor, and marry me?” Spencer’s eyes were glassy with tears as he looked up at you. 

“Yes, a million times yes.” You nodded, a smile breaking out over Spencer face as he stood sliding the ring onto your finger and kissing you deeply. 

Maybe talking wasn’t always such a bad thing. 

[storiesbyjes2g]

3.89 Lose control

During our conversation about pre-wedding activities, Sophia and I found the idea of having a party appealing, but we had reservations about the traditional bachelor and bachelorette party. I'd never been to one, but I'd heard stories about them. Getting wasted and dancing with other women didn't appeal to me at all. My party didn't have to follow that formula; we could spend the night however I wanted. But the real reason we were anxious was because we both we both had a small circle of friends. We loved kicking it with our respective squads, but a party with just one or two sims wouldn't be lit.

"What if we did a joint co-ed party?" she offered.

That was the most brilliant idea, and it relieved us both. I mean, the whole point of a bachelor/bachelorette party was just to hang out with friends and have a good time, right? Who's to say we couldn't do that together? Our friends and their plus ones were enough sims for a fun, intimate party.

We tried to take Mama's advice and not show up early this time and walked in with the first wave. Heh, if Sophia had agreed to my offer earlier, we could have been super late, but let's not dwell on that. While getting a drink, I saw Alessia. I was low-key pissed, to be honest. Not enough to make a scene or even snub her all night, but we were definitely not okay.

Dub snuck up on me, and I almost dropped my drink.

"This is a nice place," he said. "The food selection is...interesting."

"Yeah. I guess I should have been more specific when I requested light refreshments."

"It's all good. Nothing like a little natural sugar to get you pumped up!"

"That's right. I expect to see everyone dancing, Dubstep."

"Dubstep??"

"Yeah! I think it's about time I gave you a nickname."

"But Dubstep though? I can't stand that music! It's everywhere at home!"

"Sorry, dude. I'm not often this clever. It's sticking!"

"Ugh! You better be glad your name can only be shortened, or I'd come up with something annoying for you too!"

"HA! Thank you, granddad I never met, for a boring name."

"Oh, hi Dub," Sophia said. "Thanks for coming!"

"Of course I'd come. I gotta make sure my boy Luc stays out of trouble!"

Sophia laughed.

"That's kind of you, but totally unnecessary."

I loved she said that. We had several conversations about my female friends, and she always expressed her acceptance of them. I believed her, but part of me wondered if she was actually cool with it or just trying to avoid conflict. Those conversations triggered her sometimes, and I knew she was still dealing with scars her ex-trash man inflicted. I never gave her a reason to doubt me, and I intended to keep it that way. Even so, her display of trust touched me deeply.

Less and Justin were chilling in the corner, probably relieved that I was busy. Did they keep in touch? Probably not. Regardless, I was happy they maintained a small connection, even though I still believed he was much too old for her. Once Rashidah and her husband showed up, Sophia hit the dance floor and got the party going. I sat down and watched her, mesmerized by the thought that tomorrow she would be my wife.

Chi Chi latched onto Maia as soon as she arrived and did not let her go. When Dub noticed, he not-so-casually got closer and watched their every move. I don't know why I thought it was funny, but I laughed anyway. Seeing him transition through this relationship, going from uncertainty about pursuing it to worrying about someone encroaching on them, was fun to watch. I knew Chi Chi was harmless, but he didn't, so I didn't laugh too hard. Still, what was Maia thinking? She was so gracious to endure all that talking for two nights straight. I knew all too well how draining it could be, trying to keep up with all the words that flew out of her mouth.

I eventually finished my drink and got out there to shake it with everyone. Poor Dub didn't even take one step and spent the whole night watching Maia and Chi Chi. I made a mental note to talk to him about it before we left, so it didn't become a big deal later on.

The fruity drinks were lame, so I invited everyone to the bar downstairs and bought us a round. The thumping bass from the DJ downstairs reverberated through the walls, injecting a surge of energy into our group. Moving the party downstairs was a genius move. The room was buzzing with excitement. Lively conversations and laughter filled the air. In the midst of all the excitement, I spotted Less trying to slip away, but I quickly caught her eye and called her out.

"Where were you last night?"

"What?"

"The engagement dinner? You didn't show."

She shrugged.

"I didn't want to go."

I needed a moment before replying, because her response struck a nerve. Her indifference was no stranger to me; I'd been dealing with it my whole life. It annoyed me then, and triple annoyed me now. I usually coped with it by ignoring her, but this was something I could not shrug off.

"You couldn't at least call and tell me you weren't coming?"

"I guess. Why are you so upset? You had the dinner and now this party. They're pretty much the same thing, so why do I have to come to both?"

I was teetering on the edge of losing my cool, and it caught me off guard. Despite all the challenges I faced in my life, I could never truly feel angry. I could've been mad at Dad taking us away from Mama, but I was just a little kid and more scared than anything. I couldn't bring myself to be angry with Mama for breaking up our family because my love for her was too strong. Less always got on my nerves, and I could've been mad at her countless times, but I felt pressured to always be in control as the oldest, especially since she always copied me. I just wanted to experience losing control for once, but was that the moment to waste my chance? In the grand scheme of things, it wasn't that serious. Less was just being Less, and as much as it pained me to overlook it again, I just took a few deep breaths and re-centered myself before responding.

"You're my sim of honor, Less. Does that even mean anything to you? We were doing toasts, and you weren't there. Dub did a toast for me, and we just met. Maybe I should have asked him or Maira to be my sim of honor."

"I'm sorry, Luca! I thought it was just a casual dinner or something. I didn't think you'd be mad."

I sighed and shook my head at her.

"You never do, Less."

Speaking of Dub, I saw him stewing on the sidelines, so I let Less go and went to de-escalate him.

"Am I crazy?" he asked as I sat down. "Is she really that bold that she would try to take my girl in front of my face?"

I was glad to have something comical to take my mind off my annoying sister.

"She's harmless, man. A bit of a flirt, yes, and she talks a lot, but she would never do that to you. She's sweet."

"Brooo! The talking! I thought maybe she liked me too because she had me hemmed up all night last night. I barely escaped in time to make a toast!"

I laughed.

"Believe me...I am aware. I feel like she has a word quota she has to reach every day or she'll explode or something."

"Yeah, and she's spending it all on us!"

"Seriously... But for real...I really appreciate you doing that last night. My sister should have been the one making that toast, but she wasn't there, and that really hurt my feelings."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I got you, bro. Whatever you need."

"I appreciate that, Dubstep."

"HEY!"

Dub and Maia by @mysimsloveaffair

[hermeticphoenix]

Tips for Beginners in Occult Magic

Hi everyone! I want to share some tips for those starting out in magic or the occult. These are based on my personal experiences, so take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. Remember, practicing magic isn’t just about wonder and mystery—it also requires self-awareness and maturity.

1. Work on your body, emotions, and mind first.

A lot of beginners dive into magic driven by emotions like curiosity or the desire to gain powers. While that excitement is normal, it can also lead to burnout or even danger. When I started my Hermetic journey, I had to focus on building a strong foundation, like taking care of my body, managing my emotions, and understanding my mind. This meant observing my thoughts, dealing with my triggers, and staying aware of my biases. I also worked on being physically healthier (though I’m not saying you need to exercise every day or become vegetarian!). The point is: if you’re not taking care of yourself, both physically and mentally, it could affect your spiritual life too.

2. Explore the occult in your own culture.

When I started practicing, I focused on Western occultism, even though I’m not from the West. Over time, I realized how important it is to learn about the spiritual and magical traditions of your own culture. For me, this was tricky because a lot of knowledge here is passed down orally or kept within families. But I eventually learned that some local astral beings were influencing my life—for better or worse. This might not apply to everyone, but if your culture has magical practices, it’s worth looking into. Then again, I'm not saying that you should agree with them or practice them.

3. Balance emotion with logic.

It’s easy to get caught up in the emotional side of magic, but it’s important to learn objectively too. You’ll probably come across ideas or beliefs you don’t agree with, but that doesn’t mean they’re useless. Understanding different perspectives can help you grow as a practitioner—even if you don’t adopt those practices yourself.

4. Stay grounded.

It’s great to be passionate about magic, but don’t lose touch with the real world. Some people become so obsessed with the occult that they develop unhealthy habits or mental instability. This can even create unwanted energy forms (phantoms) that drain you over time. Remember, you’re still human. Take care of yourself and stay connected to the world around you.

5. Knowledge doesn’t make you better than others.

Having occult knowledge or abilities doesn’t mean you’re superior or more “enlightened” than anyone else. Unfortunately, I’ve met a few practitioners who became entitled or toxic—basically like spiritual snobs. Don’t fall into that trap. Use your skills wisely and responsibly. Avoid harming others unless absolutely necessary (e.g. protection or defense), and don’t let anyone take advantage of your kindness either.

6. Know what you’re working toward.

Having clear goals can help you stay focused. It’s fine to experiment and explore, but don’t try to master everything at once—it’s a recipe for burnout. Take things one step at a time, and be patient with yourself.

7. Reflect on your practice.

Check in with yourself regularly. Sometimes we get so attached to our practices or beliefs that we forget to question them. Ask yourself: How is this affecting my life? Is it helping me grow? Am I holding onto ideas that no longer serve me? Magic is a journey, and there’s always more to learn.

Practicing magic is a lifelong process—it’s not easy, and it’s not for the faint-hearted. You’ll face challenges, but the rewards are worth it if you stick with it. At the end of the day, the goal is to transform yourself and your life. Take what resonates from these tips, and feel free to leave the rest.

With love,

Phoenix