#i should have gone alone
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gallery visit 12/1/24
(aligning with my new year's resolution to visit a museum at least once s week)
#art#there was a live sized print of a completely naked lady laying spread eagle with a bike helmet on#i should have gone alone#taking friends along was a mistake i shall not repeat#my photos#art gallery#day in the life#gallery visit#aesthetic#dark academia#light academia#academia#either you get it or you don't#xx
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This song is so Kim-coded
#cookie speaks#kim theerapanyakul#this band is better than therapy btw#l strongly reccomend Therapy and Just be Happy for my sad friends#not even kidding that this band saved my life when i wanted to kms llol#next time they come to LA I'm going to see them#i'm still heart broken that I gave up my chance last year#for a guy who couldn't bother to go with me#and ended up breaking my heart anyway#one of my biggest regrets from that relationship#all the shit he did to me and that's one of the things that hurt the most i'm ngl#i bought the tickets i was so excited#and he decided he would rather hang out with his friends#i should have gone alone#idk if I'm still in school next time they come around#im gonan go and I'll break my leg on the way home if I need an excuse for missing class#Spotify
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Yamask Ingo in sinnoh chilling doing pokemon stuff idk eating a berry
[That moment when little]
#submas#ingo dying amnestic then having his life pass before his eyes: oh shit i have so much unfinished buissnes#yamask is not native in sinnoh so imagine being the only new little guy there LEAVE ME ALONE#submask au#major character death#theres so many diffrent ghost ingos i love it its funny#i can never decide if emmet should have a beard or not. here its been 2-4 years maybe since ingo gone?
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(bighugemassive isat spoilers vvv)
thinking about loop in the sif is out au has me experiencing a very special kind of agony
just. just. siffrin, alone!! looping completely alone, none of their party members, not a soul in all of dormont, no star under the favor tree. only them, for years-decades-thousands of loops, until they finally, finally give up. until they can't do it anymore. and then waking up. in a world where their entire party is stuck in that time loop EXCEPT for them.
having to watch themselves over, and over, and over again, messing up and being utterly useless and holding every single one of the others back. the only idiot who doesnt remember. loop, working with a party that is no longer theirs to save a version of themselves who has never known a day of real hardship or suffering. a stupid, aimless traveler trapping each and every one of them here, loop included, who doesnt even have the decency to know theyre doing it! funny how there are two of them, now, and yet BOTH of them have completely and utterly failed their entire party in such drastically unique and awful ways. forcing them to relive this for eternity.
at least none of loop's party remembered. at least loop was useful in that they could take away the other's pain, shoulder it all on their own. siffrin can't even do that. all they're doing is hurting everyone more. and they don't know.
they're the reason, they're the key, it's their fault everyone is suffering and they dont even know!!!! useless. worse than useless. if only one of these loops they would just stay dead. it'd be better for everyone, that way, for their party and loop and even themselves. loop knows how it feels. loop understands. yeah the others have each other and loop had no one but at least loop is capable of helping the others now!!! at least loop can remember!!! siffrin doesnt deserve this he doesnt deserve the love and care and affection (affection he doesnt even RECOGNIZE, doesnt appreciate or cherish, takes for granted over and over and over again) he doesnt deserve to wake every day in blissful ignorance of the way hes ruined everything and everyone around him!!!!!!
loop who knows it all and who gets to watch the entire party except for siffrin work together and support each other. gets to see just how much better off they are without sif in the way. loop isnt even siffrin, anymore. theyre Good now theyre Useful now they Understand now. siffrin doesnt and never will. watching the careful, quiet way siffrin falls further and further behind. another timeline and still completely alone. thats just what the universe wants from them, loop thinks. for every siffrin out there to suffer.
and ohhhh if/when they break the loops depending on how that goes... siffrin who did nothing to contribute who did nothing to deserve this who shouldnt even EXIST being handed victory and unconditional love on a silver fucking platter and loop who just has to watch............
#isat spoilers#siffrin? more like sif is out au#I FEEL SICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK#JSUT. JSUT. being compeltely alone. for ALL OF THAT.#and then watching everyone you wanted to protect everyone you left behind. leaving You behind.#all helping each other all of them together the way it should be. you shouldn't have ever been a part of this.#or. well. YOU should be. youve EARNED it. youve gone through so fucking much you GET IT !!!!!!! you get it.#THEY shouldnt be a part of this THEY dont deserve this not your party not the victory always held out of your grasp#im jsut repeating myself now but lord. i m so. im so. im so.#WHATEVER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#alyalyoxenfree
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Have we taken into consideration that perhaps, the reason Merlin does not die, it’s because the Gods don’t want him to? They’ve been playing with him this entire time, and The Cailleach made it clear that even if Merlin wants to die, he can’t, and he cannot change the course of his life. Merlin does not say, “yes” willingly, but rather tests to see if the goddess in front of him knows about his destiny, and her answer proves him right. It’s not because she sees Lancelot going into the veil. It’s because she knows deep down Merlin cannot do anything now. Merlin is more powerful than Gods, and to prevent him to come to this knowledge, they constantly stop him from achieving his destiny.
#i’m obsessed with this episode even if it’s the saddest one of season four#i believe they should have dwelled more into who this goddess actually is#and what she really wanted#from the start she has been saying emrys will be morgana’s doom#yet we all know things could have gone differently#it’s as if everyone around merlin and morgana try to tell them what to do#and since they both feel alone#they listen to them#so much wasted potential with this episode i swear#merthur#merlin#arthur pendragon#bbc merlin#merlin bbc
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"Are you hurt?"
that is the only dialogue eddie has in 4x14 for over 20 minutes while he is unconscious
"Hey, Buck."
that is the first words that come out of his mouth after being shot and almost killed right in front of buck
just something to think about
#yes i'm talking about the shooting arc again leave me alone#what else am i supposed to talk about with no new episode this week#also the fact that “are you hurt?” could have been eddie's last words is devastating#they should have gone canon after this#911#911 abc#buddie
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O you, who at the world's far-off end dwell,
I know your wish- it is my wish as well.
#ephemer#khux#khml#kingdom hearts#kh#missing link#kingdom hearts union x#kingdom hearts missing link#kh ephemer#thinking about... how among the people in scala he's this legendary figure#but from a personal point of view he was simply someone riddled with grief#he founded a new world but he did so alone when he should have been with all his friends...#mine: kh#my art#so time may or may not have gotten away from me... i started this drawing in July. lol#the caption is part of old verse 2 from pokémon legends arceus#the entirety of which is absolutely perfect for ephemer but would be too long#i'll just write it in tags here:#'o you; who at the world's far-off ends dwell; i know your wish- it is my wish as well.#my own beloved is now gone from me; departed to a place i cannot reach.#my old companions have left me behind; their faces faded into days gone by.#still to my breast i clutch this hopeless dream; a futile wish for us once more to meet.#oh you; who at the world's far-off end dwell; i know your wish- it is my wish as well.#but ours are cold and endless winter days; warmed only by memories locked away.'#[minor edit: fixed the color of the lines on his shirt!]#[i am so proud of this one you don’t understand]
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I love this show and it means a lot to me,
and I feel disappointed and a little bit misled tbh by the choices they have made-
These are two thoughts that can coexist btw
#911 lone star#911 lone star season 5#like im not an idiot#okay i am but that’s not what this is#i was not expecting 20 minutes of emotional conversation#but bare minimum Tarlos is NOT a peck on the cheek with no actual dialogue#in the entire episode#bare minimum Tarlos used to be they would talk about things and it wouldn’t take that long#like this episode in context- this is like in season 3 is TK woke from the coma and the next scene was the 126 is going to be knocked down-#and we learn TK and Carlos moved in together form talking- we didn’t get the welcome home TK scene#this is like if in season two after TK stormed out after the farmers market- we never got the scene where he comes back#we see him storm out and the next episode they’re fine with nothing in between#this like is if the police station scene never happened - cause why do we need to see them talk about things?#TK storms out of Carlos’s place and the next we see they’re at darts-#cause we didn’t need any of that emotional bonding stuff right??#this is most like in season two when we see things get physical becuase Gabriel arrested Owen and no one knows why#and the next we see TK is coming home and we never saw them talk about it#although I would still argue this one is worse#look I’m not talking for anyone but myself here-#but the reason I know this should have been more is because those are the standards this show has set#these characters needed to have that talk-#in particular Carlos has gone through so much seemingly alone the last twenty four hours -#there’s no reason we shouldn’t have seen them have that talk#like forget the fandom for a minute- these make believe characters deserved a better conclusion to this arc than this#tarlos#carlos reyes#tk strand#okay im done#court dismissed - bring in the dancing lobsters
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you know. white liberals would be far less annoying (still deeply annoying) and far less difficult to take seriously (still deeply difficult) if they stopped lying to themselves and everyone else about what they were doing. ‘cause y’all either sound completely stupid and removed from reality at best or violently callous at worst.
(and before anyone fails their reading comprehension here, i am not telling anyone to vote or not vote or who to vote or not vote for. get off my dick.)
but no, you’re not doing “real leftism” by voting for kamala (something i have actually seen countless people say. “real leftists” would vote for kamala!!1!!1!! if you don’t vote for her ur not a “real leftist!!!!”). that’s not what that is. words mean things. you’re actually engaging in pretty textbook liberalism. it’s not “real leftism” to vote for a genocidal fascist who is actively employing genocidal fascistic policies both overseas and domestically, and who has pledged gladly to continue doing so. (again, bc this is the bad reading comprehension website, i’m not telling you if you vote for kkkamala ur not a “real leftist” (mostly because that’s meaningless); i’m saying that that act itself is not a """leftist""" action). if you feel the need to justify what you’re doing to yourself by pretending you’re doing ~real leftism~, stop.
you're not “stopping fascism” or “saving democracy” or whatever else. you’re not “stopping fascism” by voting for a fascist. you’re not “saving democracy” by voting for a fascist. if you genuinely can’t see in this current moment that kamala harris & the democrats are fascists, you are deliberately ignoring and excusing fascism as long as it’s happening to nonwhite people. it is willful, deliberate ignorance at this point and it is violent. you genuinely do not see victims of fascism unless it happens to white people.
you’re not “protecting palestinians” by voting for kamala. you’re not making their chances better or being better for them or improving their conditions. you’re not “more likely” to sway kamala on palestine; you can’t even threaten to withhold your support for her because of her wanton slaughtering of palestinians. 13 months of ongoing genocide and ongoing mass protest movements and multiple polls showing that she would literally guarantee the win in key swing states if she would just call for an arms embargo / ceasefire as part of her platform have not swayed her. she constantly, constantly reaffirms her willful, enthusiastic support of this genocide. she has said over and over again that she will not end her support for israel, that she would not have done anything differently than biden, that she has no intentions to stop sending israel arms and money so they can keep slaughtering palestinians and now lebanese. you are not “protecting” or helping palestinians by voting for her. keep their names out of your mouths.
you’re not protecting """minorities""" or """poc""" either. not when the candidate is a cop whose administration has already funneled billions of dollars into the police and the military, who is priding herself on wanting to create the most lethal military, on being tougher on the border&immigration than trump, who is happily continuing to perpetuate racist atrocity propaganda to justify the mass slaughter of palestinians, who continues to reaffirm and support the escalation of imperialism and war even elsewhere in the so-called middle east, who is gladly seeking (and securing) endorsements by racist white supremacist republicans (like dick fucking cheney. come on), whose administration has been for four years enthusiastically accelerating the climate crisis, whose campaign has been littered with examples of both their supporters and the politicians themselves being virulently racist. you’re not protecting us. you’re not helping us.
your candidate wants us dead. your candidate wants me dead. your candidate wants my people in iran dead. your candidate wants my sister peoples in palestine and in lebanon dead. your candidate is actively orchestrating their slaughter.
kamala might be better for you, white liberal american. fine. vote for her if you wish. no one is stopping you. but stop white knighting about it. stop pretending you’re doing this for anyone but yourself. stop lying to yourself and everyone else about what you’re doing. stop speaking over us the with fucking audacity that you’re somehow doing us a favor, and stop talking down to us, palestinians especially, like they are children who need to be ~explained~ the right way to save them. stick your white savior complex up your ass.
vote however you want, but stop lying about what you’re doing and who you’re protecting.
and if you want my vote too? fucking earn it.
#us politics#politics#genocide#kamala harris#liberal#joe biden#palestine#israel#racism#quasartalks#if dems wanted me to vote for them they’d stop being so fucking racist to me & people like me. they’d do the literal one (1) thing that the#statistic vast majority of usamericans want. but they won’t. they care less about winning the election — and less about /doing their job/#(you know - responding to the wishes of their constituents they represent) — than they do about being able to continue bombing hospitals#and burning children alive in tents. they would rather blow babies’ brains apart than win the election. they KNOW. that they would GUARANTE#A WIN. if they would STOP SLAUGHTERING PEOPLE. and they DO NOT CARE ABOUT WINNING ENOUGH TO DO IT. they dont care abt winning the election#enough to stop slaughtering civilians.#why should i care then? if they don’t? if they clearly don’t care enough to do the single thing that would guarantee the win?#you’re asking me to care about people who care more about killing me than they do winning the election. be so for fucking real.#and leave me alone. leave us alone.#vote for whatever you want. but keep our names out of ur mouths.#i’m going to try to have this b the only actual post abt this i make#but goddamn. dems are so disgustingly violently racist and you get madder at the ppl they deliberately denigrate than u do them for-#-alienating swaths of their voter base. y’all are a little too excited abt these racist maniacal genociders.#we see the way you celebrate racists. if kamala wins and you’re doing anything but breathing relief that trump is gone and strapping in to#actually 'pressure' kamala like u said u would? if i see any of you freaks Celebrating?? celebrating these racist wastes of space?#it’s on sight lmao
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Birthday Completed.. Am Thirtey Twoe
#i visited a rat cafe!! (it is not an eating or drinking establishment it's just a rat interaction establishment but i keep calling it that))#there was another american at the rat cafe and she took me to Dunch cuz it was my birthday and she also wanted to ask me about rat ownershi#note: in my brain Dunch is a meal combo like brunch -- a dinner so early as to overlap lunch -but at a less glamorous time and sounds worse#that was super nice and i think i now have another person on my small list of in person friends here!!! ;w;#then on the way home brief specter of disaster as i was like OH GOD... IVE PARKED IN A RESTRICTED BIKE LOT AND THEY TOWED MY BIKE#(because i had definitely just .. parked my bike in the area for monthly permit holders without noticing lol)#but it turned out instead they had just stuck it in a metered space where it should have gone to begin with so disaster averted lol#then when it was getting late i took myself out for a pot of tea and a fancy sweet at a local cafe! (actual cafe) (no rats)#honestly i'd been mad at myself for not planning anything with any friends and thinking i'd end up depressed and alone today#but i got just enough rat and human interaction and it was a really good day#i did a bunch of other stuff this week too#why did i write all of this in tags? unclear.......i'm extremely tired or i'd try to make a real blog post of it with pics etc. : I#eepy. so eepy
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Dang it... They sent me gloss books instead of matte 😭😭😭 I want the whole set to match...
I'm going to go through customer service about this, but I think their solution is to send me new books... But I have no idea what I'll do with thesw 300 extra books if they do that!!!
Any ideas???
#auuuufh#i could give some away#sell them at a discount i guess#aaa i have no idea.......#like its THREE HUNDRED WRONG BOOKS....#maybe i can do a sale to try and get them gone. $15 or something...#the books should stand alone and be fine to read in isolation#text post
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So I applied for a promotion a few months ago and I've made it through the tests, then the first stage interviews and tomorrow I have the second stage interview and my anxiety is fuckkkeddd! I don't see myself sleeping much tonight...😅😑🙃
#like i didn't think i would get passed the tests let alone the interview and now here I am#I've been in the same role for 9 years and this is a big change#like can i do it#or should i be less complacent and just stay in my comfort bubble doing this job#lately it's been exciting but 9 years in this same postion#while all my other team members have gone on to do more and grow#fuck anxiety really does fuck you#like i'm actively talking myself out of this but why#because my anxiety wants to keep me where i am#fuck i have the skills and the knowledge#i can do this#right...#fuck you anxiety#(this has been my headspace all night) just back and forth#ughhhhh#personal#9-5 job#work life#anxiety#mental health
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Manuela, the taukai wild woman, collapsed due to a combination of about a million tumours and also heatstroke. Mechi decided he could, at the very least, tend her in the hopes she would wander off the map...
oh no
On the bright side, at least the colony has a name now. Welcome to Sparks, everybody!
Wait, no, that wasn't an invitatio-
Three people?? No, no, no, we can't have this. There must be something Mechi can do to preserve his solitude!!
Now we have a scavenging outpost named Arwell nearby. Phew! Hopefully, Manuela and Nikodem get along well because they're going to be stuck together for a looong time.
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#rimworld#gracie plays#A Mechanitor's Message#art#my art#traditional art#rimworld art#unpolished art#tw illness#the only person Mechi likes is his sister#And maaaayyyybe his parents#but they're on thin ice#he definitely does NOT like Manuela#but I forced him to help her coz felt bad#I suppose I should have expected her to join#oh well#Immediately after she joined Nikodem decided that they wanted in too#fortunately Vanilla Outposts Expanded came through#phew#good mod#Hopefully I can just dump any other unwanted wanderers at Arwell and Mechi can remain blissfully alone...#have a fabulous day everyone!!#sorry I've been gone so long
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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I’m sick rn so I know I’m not in a rational state but it’s actually only just hitting me for real that winter break is here and I’m done with undergrad and my job of 2.5 years and I’m starting a new chapter and change is happening and I need to remind myself that change is good change is good change is good change is good change is good change is good change is good change is good change is good change is good change is good change is good change is good change is good change is good change is go
#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#what am i doing with my life#I still live with my folks I do not have an excuse to panic about life no#but me a decade ago could not even conceptualize me today#1. I’ve gone an entirely different path than the artist route I thought I was taking since like… preschool-highschool#2. me a decade ago didn’t think I’d make it to 18 let alone 24#but yeah#change is happening and I’m scared af but I shouldn’t be#and I’m on cold meds so I really should not be trusting my brain or emotions rn
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spending more than a few days around your family and no one else truly does cause a certain type of madness. and baby they call me the joker
#ughhhh#travelling with other people after travelling solo is exhausting#wdym i cant just go do my own thing#what do you mean i have to spend this entire time doing shit other people want to do while i just kinda stand around awkwardly bc i dont#have anyone to talk to#what do you meani constantly have to mask more than i ususally do bc i cant look at all neurodivergent or queer or. unhappy. or bored.#or tired#im so tired.#ive got a couple of days in london alone thank fuck#but ugh idk#its just constant 'you should appreciate this!! not many people get to do this!!#cant have a real conversation. treated like a child the whole time. cant even swear.#misgendered and deadnamed the entire time but whats new there#constantly surrounded by people#constantly have to be performing happiness because otherwise youre called rude and told to snap out of it#cant talk to people because everyone interrupts or talks over you or doesnt hear you#cant go on your phone at all if theres anyone around. and theres always people around#constantly on the border of being overloaded at all times but you still have to talk to people !!!#its not even my family this sucksss#'come to england so you can sit in a pub for 3 hours while everyone drinks beer and talks to each other you cant join in on any conversatio#you cant do anything else and if you dont look happy to just be sitting there doing nothing then you get yelled at!! and maybe this is a lit#paid for my own tickets) but#im not. this isnt *fun*. im sitting around surrounded by someone elses family who dont know me and i dont know them#doing shit i actively hate all day#and i constantly have to be performing and acting like im habing a great time the entire time or im spoilt#even thouhg i. i paid for my own ticket here#man i couldve gone to japan again#'isnt england amazing!!" yeah idk it seems like it is!! too bad weve spent this entire goddamn time in some tiny village in the middle of#fuck ass nowhere going on walks that are identical to the ones at home#love to actually go experience it outside of the. one full day. i get in london
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